056. Jamie Kennedy, Katherine Blanford, & Craig Conant | Balls

Skankfest New Orleans is happening November 14th through 16th.

Get your tickets right now.

There's only individual day passes left.

All access is sold out.

VIP is sold out.

It is the largest lineup we've ever had.

Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe Liss, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks, and many, many more.

Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music, and everything else you love about SkankFest.

Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single-day passes.

Great news, everybody.

Story Wars merch store now up and functioning, everyone.

Get your goddamn merch right now.

Represent the show that you love.

Show that you are yourself a Story Warrior.

We got t-shirts.

We got hoodies.

Maybe socks one day.

StorywarsMerch.com is the way to do it.

Butt plugs.

That thing you could put inside of a woman and control it from your phone.

The Story Wars breakfast cereal.

The Story Wars flamethrower.

Go to storywarsmerch.com and grab your merch today.

What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7.45 p.m.

to be a part of the show.

Don't be a piece of shit.

Just get your tickets and come.

It's fun, Buckface.

New York Comedy Club.com.

Before we start today's show, let's thank Yokratum for being a long time support.

a long time supporter of all things here at Gas Digital and Scan.

Thank you, Yokratum, for being a long time ship, for being a long time supporter of of the show, I know you have to keep it in.

It's my Dutch accent.

Oh, yo, Kratom, you'll do so.

No, if you're in the market for Kratom, you got to get it from your Kratom.com.

$60 for a kilo.

It's already the best deal on the internet.

There's no promo code needed.

They support us.

We support them.

We're not saying start using Kratom.

We're saying if you're using it already, you want to get a discount on it, you want to get a pretty high-quality Kratom, get it from your Kratom.com.com.

All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson, and Louis J.

Come.

What is up, Los Angeles?

Welcome to Story Wars night two, show three.

Look at you guys.

This is it.

Go on.

Look at yourselves.

We're in fucking Los Angeles at the comedy store, back for more.

You guys came on a fantastic night.

I'm Big Jokers, and that, of course, Luis J.

Gomez, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake.

You already know.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm really excited to be here.

I love Los Angeles.

My favorite show we ever did was the first time we were in Los Angeles.

You guys have just such crazy energy.

Every time we come here, we love you guys.

Now, that made good sense when you said it yesterday on the first show.

But now you're telling this crowd the other shows this week have not been great.

The other shows this week have been incredible, just not as good as the first time we were at the comedy store.

That was, you know, mind-blowing.

So you guys have your fucking work cut out for you.

Be better is what I'm saying.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

Why do they always feel so bad?

All right.

Like, I'm a piece of shit.

It's low self-esteem.

It doesn't matter.

We're going to explain this game to you after we get our great panel out here of contestants.

Lewis, start us off.

Oh, I'll start us off.

Please, why not?

Why not?

He lives right here in Los Angeles.

First time on the show, you know him from the Community Service Podcast.

And the Whoopsie Daisy tour makes some noise for Los Angeles' own.

The hilarious Craig Conant.

He saw.

Craig, you're what Dave Smith should look like.

Yes.

I know.

He went the other direction so hard.

Crazy.

He's got to hit the pookie one more time, bro.

10 to 2, homie, 10 to 2.

He's walked away from that.

Our second panelist on tonight's show, very excited.

Also, her first time here on Story Wars.

You might know her from Catholic Cowgirl on YouTube, clopping up as ladder skin for Catherine Blanford.

Come on.

Corduroy jumper, we heard you coming from the fucking laugh factory.

This is your gold jump suit.

You're about to fit in this little skinny jay.

I will.

I'll put it on like fucking Elvis.

Actually, I take it back.

Catherine is what I wish Dave looked like.

Yeah.

No, Craig's what he should look like.

Yeah.

Catherine's what we wish he would look like.

And now let's bring up our third contestant who who actually looks like Dave.

He's a regular here at the comedy store.

You might know him from a couple films like Malibu's Most Wanted or the Scream franchise.

How about it for the legend, the hilarious Jamie Kennedy?

Everybody,

everybody.

What a panel.

Everybody, a first-timer.

I'll give you guys a heads up.

Lewis cheats.

He's in cahoots with the crew, and somehow he's always way up ahead.

I don't need to cheat.

Jay is that bad at this game.

I'm not good.

I'm not great at it.

The staff would never cheat either.

It's not true.

You would do whatever Lewis tells you to do.

That's not true.

Sexually would.

That's also not true.

Tell everyone.

Tell everyone, Alex.

He'd rather you know he's a fucking sex predator than think he can't get laid.

Very impressive.

For everybody out there listening for the first time, and if it's the few people in here who have never seen the show before or unfamiliar, the game is very, very simple, Story Wars.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular

subject.

That subject?

Balls.

Yeah, but you write it always.

I know.

Well, I decided not to because I forgot to.

But I was vamping long enough for you to write four fucking...

I decided not to.

I made an executive decision.

I've written it like four shows.

You've done it.

Oh, four shows.

All right.

Balls.

It just broke the rhythm.

It was a hard one for me.

It broke the rhythm.

I can see why that would be hard for you.

Mine's all second person.

Well.

For the record, Craig goes, there's a subject?

We're all of his stories.

I didn't read the text.

I just said stories.

Well, it was a long text.

Hopefully, your stories will fall into the realm of balls.

They're all going to be about dicks.

You have the three most unathletic people on this table right now.

Wait, three most?

Oh, you three.

My balls.

I thought you were just shitting on all the guys here

and telling one of us that we were in shape.

We're all like, who's she talking about?

Oh, man, she's hurting my feelings.

She's like Dave.

Lewis looks like he swings a kettlebell every now and then.

Lewis?

Oh, yeah, he does, but at his girlfriend.

I'm in my thinking room.

It's one of those scary Joe Rogan monkey face ones, too.

It's going to fucking.

Oh, shit.

Everybody here has submitted three to five stories on balls.

Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read eight of those stories off one at a time.

There is eight rounds.

If it's your story that appears on that screen, you're the only person who knows that.

So it's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And for every person on the panel, you fool, you get one point.

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put it in this little slot right here and remove your hand.

That is your final answer.

You can't change it.

It sounds confusing.

You guys will get it.

You guys already know the show.

You guys will, by story three or four, you guys will understand what's happening.

That's not very encouraging.

And I'll tell you right now, look, it's a lot of fun.

This is going to be the most fun you're ever going to have on a podcast.

But I'll tell you right now, we don't play for fun here at Story Wars.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for.

Every week here at Story Wars, we are playing for a book from the Story Wars library.

Today's winner will take home the classic A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

It's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's that about?

After 18 years in a grueling French prison, Dr.

Manette is reunited with his daughter, Lucy.

However, their normally peaceful life is shattered as they live under the shadow of ongoing French Revolution, which draws Lucy's husband into mortal danger, a classic story of redemption, this special edition of the book was released to promote a four-part PBS television series.

Can you believe it?

How excited are you guys with the opportunity to win this book?

Do you have it on Cassandra?

What's up?

No.

But there is a four-part PBS television series in the sand.

Isn't PBS gone?

That's my final answer.

Isn't PBS gone?

Yeah,

they just got to fund it, bro.

What?

It's gone.

So, this book, I really want to win it.

This thing could be worth thousands and thousands of dollars.

What are we doing?

What are we doing giving this away?

Now we have to keep it in-house.

I think everybody understands how the game works as best as they're gonna.

Is this crowd ready for war?

Yeah.

Is this crowd ready for war?

Thank you, Roots.

The Roots are always here off camera.

You guys know that.

Quest Loving the Boys.

We can't afford to get them on camera.

With any further ado,

Alex, story number one.

Story number one.

I once threw a chair at my boss.

That's it.

Who doesn't have this story?

Am I supposed to do this

right away?

Right away.

You can't take it out now.

You're going to look awesome if you get it right.

And everybody in this room, by the way, loves that you spelled Louis' name wrong.

We like it so much.

Don't feel bad about it.

And look, unfortunately, you can't take it out and change it because it's your final answer.

You spell it like King Louis.

No, you can't take it out.

I'll just spell it correctly.

You can spell it correctly.

It's fine.

But I will say, if it was.

There you go.

Now it says Louise.

Right.

Thank you.

I know.

It's right.

It reads Luis.

But it's pronounced Louis.

If it was up to Craig,

this whole entire show would be over in four minutes.

Write the name down.

It's going to seem like it is to him anyway.

That was a fun show.

What show?

Early guests on Lewis.

Look, this, anytime there's violence, it could be Lewis.

Jason, you're just as violent as I am, except you're a pussy.

No, I'm just white.

You

are a Latino with that fire, and people are looking for problems when you come in.

You look like you're bringing a problem.

You have an angry face.

And you would throw a chair at a boss.

with reckless abandon and no care for a thing in the world.

But I don't think this is you.

I think you would have told me you threw a chair at a boss.

And if you didn't, you're either making the story up and you're just trying to hurt me.

I've seen you do this before.

I think this could easily be Catherine.

I see she's got this fire in her.

And I, you know,

the people that have been most violent towards me have been blonde women.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think it's Jamie Kennedy and he threw it at Wes Craven.

And

I said, I got the line, you old fuck.

And that's why I was killed in the 90s.

I thought at first it might be Jamie, but I feel like you, if you had ever had a job, you wouldn't have put boss.

You just would have put dad.

You know what I'm saying?

You look like.

Oh, you're saying I'm a country club.

Yeah,

you look like a little prissy bitch.

Love.

Then I thought it might be Bruis, but then I was like, no, he would never work anywhere where they would let him sit down.

So, no change.

And then.

Wow.

Now I think it's her, and she just wrote roast jokes for all of us.

All right,

Jesus.

Why would it be me?

Because I would never get rid of a chair.

Yeah, yeah.

If it wasn't broken, you're going to keep it.

You know what I'm saying?

Big J.

And then, and then, so I'm going to go.

Wait, can I say who I want to go with?

Of course.

Okay, I'm going to go with Craig because this has nothing to do with balls.

And he didn't understand laugh because I got fat sack.

Gee, Rosebattles at 10:30.

Can we do this?

Can we change it?

I think that your logic makes sense.

We already know that Craig has no idea that there's a theme.

And this is not on theme, so I feel like there's a context clue there.

It takes balls to throw a chair to your headshot.

Oh, that's the stretch.

I sent in nine stories, and three of them were

picker and balls related.

So I hit

but like accidentally.

You know what I mean?

I may say it's a long text.

It was just Catherine for that reason that I think it's it is balls, but proverbial balls.

Who the fuck?

Okay, but would you say throwing a chair at somebody is kind of a bitch move.

You know what I'm saying?

It's like.

So you think it's Lewis?

Lewis defended that.

Lewis defended that.

He got mad when I said that.

Yeah.

No, dude.

You've never seen ECW before.

It's particularly hardcore to throw chairs at people.

Okay.

Folding.

Sometimes I throw people through tables, ladders,

chairs.

Is this when you're thumbtacks all over the bottom of the ring?

Is this when you're in a video game and you're at your strongest?

Yes.

Jesus Christ.

I'm turned on for school.

Gross battles at 1030.

Jesus Christ.

Are you and Catherine having a meet-cute right now?

I have no idea what's happening.

Are you guys you've got mailing around us?

All right, I'm going with Craig.

I think he's a little confused.

He's a little high.

I want some of what he's smoking right here.

But you know what?

Hold on.

You don't have the energy of like violence, Craig.

Now?

Yeah, that's a really good point.

Now?

That's true.

Biz LA, man.

He's a bato.

Are you Mexican?

I'm half.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Half.

You know what I'm saying?

Dead.

How's your good point?

Half.

I am taking a different.

I'm going with Catherine.

Thank you.

Because this story doesn't require physical testing.

Yeah.

Okay, spelled it right.

Did you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Culture.

I mean, obviously, it could be Lewis, right?

You're Puerto Rico?

Puerto Rican, yeah.

Yeah.

Very violent culture.

Yeah.

But it would be too obvious.

Yeah.

A little bit.

Now, Big J, Philly represent right here.

So at the mummers, I could see you throwing some shit.

They don't know what that is.

That was great reference for only us.

It's a New Year's parade where the trashies, the trash come out and put on costumes.

It's a lot like the Puerto Rican parade, but less rape.

Yes.

Is that where they oil up the light posts right there?

Yes.

Yes.

They try to.

Like the Puerto Rican Day parade but more green cards.

Yes.

Sorry.

Craig,

it's a good possibility, but

I got problems with blondes.

I don't trust them.

And they can get angry.

See how you're smiling?

Oh, I'm all sweet.

I'm your substitute teacher.

Where's your fucking homework?

I'm going with Catherine.

Love it.

Catherine is the kind of hot that would fuck a student.

Yeah.

You're from.

You're the kind of hot one.

They show the picture and they go, what the fuck is this chick doing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm the hot that I get away with it too.

Okay, have you noticed the ones that don't get away with it?

Yeah, now you're hot enough to like kill your own child to get away with it.

Sounds like someone has a plan.

Alex, all of our answers are in story number one.

Wow, you guys.

Story number one belongs to

Jamie Kennedy.

I wasn't expecting that.

Yeah.

We didn't see you.

Yeah.

Don't say I don't have my sad card.

Wow, dude.

Oh,

he did throw it at West.

It's Mr.

Bitch.

Wow.

You are the dad.

All right, was this loud enough?

So I'll try to go to this story quickly.

It was the 90s.

I was working with a great group of actors, and I had done enough movies where I'm like, I got to make my own movie.

And one of the actors on set said, This is my brother's script.

Read this script.

I read it.

It was incredible.

I gave it to my management at the time.

Of course, they didn't get it.

So another guy at the company did get it.

And he said, in order to make the movie, we got to get Rob Lowe.

So Rob was the star of the movie.

Now we had a lot of meetings, and it was a comic book movie.

And I didn't know anything about fucking Spider-Man or Magna Man.

And so I was arguing with this guy and his brother.

Magna Man?

Yeah, Magna Man.

Exactly.

Don't waste your time trying to learn anything about him.

It's not a thing.

Yeah.

Jump right to Wolverine.

So I used to go to Astro Burger.

I'd take him down to Astro Burger.

This guy had never had a a movie produced.

We were arguing all the time about what the superhero's powers were.

Him and his brothers knew all of them.

They were like, no, he shoots out of his fucking wrist.

I'm like, no, his fucking elbow, all this shit.

I knew nothing.

Huge fight.

I lost it.

My mother had me when she's 46, okay, which might explain some of the mild retardation.

So

you got gray hair from the jump.

Yeah.

So

we would argue all the time.

And so, you know, when you have a spazz out, and you ever been to the fucking, you've ever been to Astro Burger?

What's Astro Burger?

It's down the street by Paramount.

Don't you make the story longer.

So, let's see.

What are you doing?

Anyway, I freak out and I said, You guys don't know shit.

And I threw my chair.

And

that's the story.

But

here's the issue.

The guy I threw my chair at was a guy named James Gunn.

No shit.

100%.

So not, I didn't want to alienate just the Marvel universe.

I wanted to piss off DC too.

So have you ever seen me as Magna Man's henchman number three?

No.

No.

Because I threw a chair.

So you were kind of right.

It would have been better to throw a chair at West Craven.

Yeah.

Did you get a charges press on you?

No, it was a fucking Astro Burger chair.

They're light.

Oh, okay.

James Guns on that much of a pussy.

Alex, where are our points?

I mean, I think I know where our points are at, but let everyone know.

All right.

On the scoreboard, all alone with four points.

Jamie Kennedy.

Wow.

I was about to say, who got points?

We all got it wrong.

I get it now.

All right, guys, let's thank Superpowers for supporting today's show.

We love Superpower.

We've all been there before.

You pay $200 for a doctor's appointment just for them to say, you're fine.

You need to drink some water.

That's it.

More water.

Superpower makes sure that will never happen again.

It's a one-quick blood draw that tests for over 100 biomarkers to unlock detailed information about your heart, thyroid, hormones, metabolism, nutrient levels, and even environmental toxins.

You can either visit a nearby lab or have Superpower send a licensed professional right to your house.

Superpower then creates an action plan just for you based on your results with supplement suggestions, nutritional guidance, and lifestyle and behavior adjustments.

You even get your true biological age that you can track over time.

Oh, oh, that's the, that's going to hurt.

Dude, I'm 43 years old.

This is literally what I need right now.

I'm so paranoid.

I'm such a hypochondriac.

You don't know.

And I think that that's the thing is you sort of walk around going like, all right, well, I hope everything is fine.

Knowing exactly what you do and the changes you need to make in your life to give yourself a long, extensive life, absolutely incredible.

I think back in the day, I used to be afraid because I was like, fuck it.

I didn't want to extend my shitty life, but now life's pretty good.

I want to extend my life, and superpower.com is going to help you out because guess what?

It used to cost $499 for the service.

They have an incredible deal.

If you go to superpower.com and lock in their special $199 price, it's going to change your life.

Literally, after you sign up, they're going to ask how you heard about them.

Let them know that you mentioned the podcast to support the show, but it's $199 for this incredible service.

Your biology decoded, your blueprint activated with Superpower.

All All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

I've witnessed firsthand why a man shouldn't attempt to wax his own balls at home.

Witnessed?

I mean, this sounds like it's written by a woman.

I don't think so because I would

if given the opportunity I would love to wax a man's balls why

I want I want to rip that

just one pervert in the crowd

by the way there was a woman sitting next to him like zapped his collar when he did that

sorry my mistress

Yeah, I never waxed my balls.

What about you boys?

Anybody up here wax their balls?

No.

Shave them, ladies.

Yeah.

No.

You can't because a clipper, if you get close, that's a real fucking problem.

No, no, I use a, I use like a Bic razor.

You stretch the bag out, then you paint the walls.

You get a flat surface.

Oh, wow.

Then you go under.

I manscape mine.

Yeah, it's just not constantly.

It's not even sponsored by Manscape, but I constantly manscape it.

Do you actually do it?

Also, I love Sherry's Berries.

My favorite treat.

Yeah, she's underwear.

It's pretty great, too.

Oh, I thought that's when it gets really red.

I got Sherry's Berries.

This is somebody that did it, or somebody who witnessed it.

Yeah, so it says see.

But I would.

We also could watch each other do it.

Yeah, I would watch a friend try to do this.

I wouldn't witness it.

I would love to rip it off.

I would like to be asked to do that.

And I guess if.

Fine, I guess you could rip tape off my balls, Catherine.

I'll just take hairy balls, you know?

Yeah.

Well, not if you're sucking them.

Who?

I'm looking at haircuts right now, going, who's the most manicured one on this table?

Oh, it's by far bitch.

I don't drive you at all.

I'm now a hairy bitch.

Well, you're just kind of...

There's hairs in places.

You know what I'm saying?

In different places.

Jamie, you look like you live in a pocket.

The big one or the changed one?

Yeah, when your story gets too long, you get put back in there.

Sorry, teach.

No, Big J is the most manicured by far.

I mean, Big J does his eyebrows, his fingernails, his fucking, he tans now.

I don't tan.

Why are you all red?

He fishes.

I have a yard.

I'm outside.

But I'm not laying out to tan.

Yeah.

I lay out to tan a little.

You do lay out to tan.

I don't, but like, I know what's happening when I'm out there.

Dude, now his arms.

You're lawnmowing with the foil on you.

Yeah.

Look,

I'm not sun worshiping, but I mean, I'm aware what's going on.

You also, you had a little pink streak in your hair at one point.

Still, yeah, I still would.

Yeah.

I'm just worried about the clothes.

He's got a little brown streak in his underwear.

Yeah.

You know that's not true.

You know it for a fact that's not true.

No underwear.

Right?

Fine.

I know for a fact it's not true.

The man's got a clean asshole.

Region of Skanks episode 414.

Go check it out.

Is that it?

I don't know.

Are you saying that for real?

I know he has a clean asshole.

I know for a fact he has a clean asshole at all times.

That could be a clue.

Yeah, I think you've seen him wax his own balls at home.

Oh.

Oh, so.

So this could easily be.

I think Lewis watched me wax my balls, so it's Lewis's story.

Good thinking, Craig.

All right, I'm going to get the voting going.

I think this is Catherine's story.

She was only thinking balls in one way.

She can't get her mind out of the gutter.

So she submitted this story secondhand about somebody else's balls.

Let me second that notion because I agree.

What a piece of shit Catherine could be.

Talking about balls.

You know what?

I don't even have to wait.

I'm with you.

You know what?

I can tell.

You got your fool me face on.

And now?

I love to bring the crowd to a complete halt.

Thank you.

Craig, everyone thinks it's Catherine.

Yeah.

I'm going Big J.

He's got, look how manicured he is.

Look how perfectly shaped his beard is.

That's some display.

What was the fourth best Backstreet Boy?

A.J.

McClain.

You got AJ McLean.

Okay.

All right.

Joey Fatone, you're thinking.

I was thinking thinking Joey.

You're thinking of Joey Fatone.

He got Joey.

It's always hurt that when people say you look like Joey Fatone, his name spells literally fat one.

Yeah, Joey Fat One.

Wait, can we take a side bet?

Because

this is Catherine.

I'm pretty positive about that.

Okay.

Side bet.

We all have Catherine.

Everyone's got Catherine except Catherine.

I know, but I ain't sponsored, but like Vanduel or something.

Are we even?

I don't know.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

All right, everyone.

Story number two belongs to

Big Jay Okerson.

No!

No, no!

Oh!

No, it's happening!

Bam, baby!

What is happening?

Bam!

What the fuck?

Bam!

Bam!

Yeah!

You think I'd let somebody rip shit off their own balls?

No, you're not.

I'm going to do that.

You're a nurse at heart.

Yeah, okay.

You're a natural-born nurse.

You would never do that.

Dude, yo, low-key, Jay, your acting skills, off the hook right there.

Everyone started jumping on Catherine.

I was like, right, what a fucking, what a weirdo.

Yeah, she said the scene was the wording to make it so it could be anybody.

But yeah, it was me.

My ex-wife had the...

Balls?

Yeah, she had balls.

Finally, somebody in the house had to.

No, she just had a jar of that, whatever the green wax is, which isn't even like strips.

It's the actual wax that you put on is what you pull off.

Like the wax gets hard and you pull off like,

and I put it on

relatively hairy balls.

Wait, you witnessed firsthand?

It was your own balls?

Yeah.

No, I just told, you're not listening.

I said when I started telling a story, Alex changed the wording so it could be anybody.

I get it.

This is a very abstract way to put this story.

This is your first time on the show.

I get it.

Story Wars.

Story Wars, folks.

God, if you guys don't kiss.

And I put the wax on half, like middle of my ball bag to like

side of my dick hair.

How is your relationship going at this point?

Are you all getting along?

We were good.

This is actually in a pretty decent place, I think.

Sure.

And I put it on.

And then

I let it dry, whatever.

And then I started grabbing and pulling.

And right away, I mean, on the first little lip I pulled, I was like, ooh,

oh, I can't do this.

And she goes, you can't change your mind.

She didn't like you at that point.

Why?

Could I have changed my mind?

No, she wanted you to, she wanted you to rip your balls off.

She said it was going to hurt, but I was like, chick hurt.

It's like a nose hair.

It pulls nerves.

Buddy, it's attached to.

I don't know if these hairs go all the way to my asshole.

Yeah, that was.

Did you go all the way?

Did you go back door or just stay in the bar?

I just did this half.

It ended up just staying half.

I just shaved the rest after because

when I did it, the first time I got down, and it took me,

I listened to Pantera,

and it took me over 30 minutes because every time you pulled down, I had a lot of hair.

It sounded like a phone book was being ripped.

Like

someone was tearing carpet.

It was so loud.

And then it was just, and then I'd walk around like air punching the Pantera while like a flap of like hairy swax is hanging off my dick.

My little pecker's bouncing around.

I'm not with her anymore.

Yeah.

We part our ways even with a child.

So you went half ball,

half Saudi Arabian.

Yes.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Did you take skin off?

I don't think, no, I don't remember there being any problem like that.

It went clean, but it fucking hurt.

Yeah.

That's why you got to do that.

And then the blood would come in where it's like, it looks like, oh, look how smooth that is.

And then blood dots just start showing up.

Oh, oh,

oh, God.

Oh, God, it's happening.

You got varicose veins and your body.

They just come up.

Yeah, they just start.

It comes through like Play-Doh hair.

Do you still listen to Pantera?

I do.

And every time it makes my fucking balls hurt.

We just saw Pantera a week ago.

And your balls are going.

My balls are like, oh, dude, remember?

Alex, we're two stories in.

Where are our points at?

All right, on the scoreboard in third place with two points, Catherine Blanford.

Why don't I only get two?

Because I'm a girl.

No balls.

Why don't I get four?

You guessed correctly.

You get two points for

guess.

Okay.

All right.

In second place with three points,

Big Jay Oakerson.

And in the lead with four points, Jamie Kennedy.

Sam.

Very early, still anybody's game.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I got into a big fight with someone I was dating in high school because they went with someone else to a debutante ball.

I mean, we're.

No.

Yeah.

This is

Catherine's story.

Nobody else.

We don't even know what a debutante ball is.

What the fuck is that?

If it's not, someone's got to wax their balls again.

This is.

This is.

What?

Debutante.

I haven't.

What the fuck is a debutante ball?

Are you a fucking princess?

I'm not getting invited to a debutante ball either.

That's not going to be.

What is it?

I think it's when you're a virgin.

I don't know what it is.

I think

you get deflawed.

This is that you're coming to womanhood.

Yeah, it's like what they do in Virginia or something.

Oh, ball.

Ball.

Hey!

I literally was like, what does this have to do with ball?

Oh, ball.

It is funny that Catherine goes, I'm not getting invited to a Debbie Top ball.

Who else up here is?

It ain't me.

Oh, with somebody I met in elocution school.

Catherine.

What?

This has to be you.

Tell me.

Just tell me it's not you.

Give me a reason to believe it's not you.

Well, because I would never let anybody I was dating look at another person.

They would never even have the chance to invite you.

Because you'll fight them.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So it's you.

So there's a fight.

Why not?

Yet a fight because somebody went to a debutante ball.

No, nobody I would date would have the balls enough to do that.

You know, they're afraid.

I would say that with your voice, they would kick you out of any Debutante ball.

I'm not allowed.

I'm just here for the punch.

Let me in the fucking Debutante ball.

You got.

Okay, then you got to go.

A war dress.

Hold a bottle of liquor.

A wart dress.

It's good.

It's corduroy.

You know, bitch, losing the crotch cut out of the pants.

All right, some leftover corduroy.

The only reason it might not be Catherine because they don't let you wear pant suits at a deputy.

Yeah, I would cut the crotch out of pants, and that's what I wear as a dress.

With a corduroy thong.

Yeah.

I tried to add that to it.

Didn't have it.

Didn't have it.

Ooh, it's going to hurt.

Can you hear my argument for the show, boys?

Hear my argument, though.

Yeah, obviously this sounds like me, okay?

But also,

doesn't this sound like something Jamie would do?

Oh, why the why the fuck am I going to a fucking ball?

Because you remember you heard your story and you were like upset or whatever because you hadn't like sold a movie yet and you were all mad.

So after I was making it in Hollywood, I was going to high school debutante balls.

Yes, it's Hollywood.

True.

Bruh.

Bruh.

Yeah, you guys called them something else, but the girls thought they were a Debutant ball.

You're just thinking like show ponies letting them walk around the dirt.

You go, look at them.

Look at that one right there.

I went to the world's biggest Debutant Ball on Epstein Island.

It was pretty sick.

Yeah, man.

You were trying to cast the next Powder Puff movie or something.

You were looking for young girls.

Yeah, I mean, this is...

We're literally just wasting time doing

a powder puff?

Yeah, a powder ball.

And then

You guys remember the powder puff girls?

Yes, they do.

These are freaks of nerds.

You know about powder puffs?

That one guy probably tacks it.

He's a weird one.

Powder puff.

Powder puff.

Powder puff.

Oh, he drives back up.

Yeah, that's all that they deserve.

Power puff.

This one gets his by the way.

Hold on.

That's, but that's a little weird that I know it.

Yeah, and it looks like, who's like, you get your feelings hurt pretty quickly.

Sensitive.

Catherine, can you please not hurt our fat nerd audience?

That was real debutante energy that came out.

You saw that?

What are you guys going to go home and play Magic the Gathering?

Fucking losers.

Y'all make me sick.

Fuck this show.

What?

I'm going to say,

I'm going to go a weird one here.

Yeah.

I know it's not Lewis.

I don't think it's Jamie.

Here's why I don't think it's Catherine.

We're seeing this debutante ball, but got got into a big fight with someone they were dating in high school because they went to the, it means the girl could have like told she had to go with somebody else.

It seems like it's some kind of formal event that it could be a guy getting mad at his chick for having to go with another guy to a dance.

For that reason, I'm going to throw a wild card here and say, Craig.

I just feel like

little bit of drama.

Thank you.

Here's, okay, can I ask this?

Lewis likes to fight, right?

Absolutely.

He's got a problem with it.

And where did you grow up?

Lewis?

Some weird.

In a decent place that didn't require this kind of personality.

You grew up in Richmond?

Tell me the truth.

No,

I grew up in Rockland County, New York, which is like super suburban.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Could you say that

a place where they may have a debutante ball?

I don't know what a debutante ball is.

Let me tell you something.

No.

No, no, no.

I don't think you've ever heard the word debutante.

I don't know what in your life.

Oh, I did.

No, I did.

Ed Powers did a series of pornography when I was a young man called Dirty Debutants.

Oh, Young Debutantes.

Dirty Debutants.

Dirty Debutants.

No, but Young Debutants is different.

Young Debutantes was a porn series, unquestionably.

I'm talking about the great Ed Powers.

Who's Ed Powers?

He made Dirty Debutantes.

And then

Black Dirty Debutantes was a nice series.

That's an oxymoron.

I was just kidding.

Wait.

That's a little redundant.

There wasn't no, not to be, there wasn't no debutante does Dallas.

That was Debbie.

That was Debbie.

That was Deborah.

Yes.

Craig, where are you from?

Craig, aren't you from PV, dog?

Palace Verde?

I live near there.

Now I'm from, I was born in Harbor City, raised in Torrance, Lomita, South Bay Harbor area.

So let's just break that down.

Torrance,

you've been there.

It's nice.

It's up to 605.

405.

There's only Debbie Tante there.

There's no Debbie Tony.

Yeah.

There's no Debbie Taunt.

And you're from Virginia?

Yeah.

Oh, come on.

Jesus Christ.

Virginia.

James.

Virginia.

I said, Craig.

You're an idiot.

You're a fool.

He's from fucking Virginia.

Craig is the dumbest answer you could have.

I thought it was a fucking, it might have been a wild card shot.

It was good.

It was either Catherine or Jamie.

Yeah.

Catherine votes for Jamie.

Craig, who's your answer here?

Catherine, strong answer.

Everybody's it, Alex.

Holy shit, you guys.

Story number three belongs to Lewis.

Jay Provez.

No!

What the fuck?

I had a fucking feel because I knew he'd fight somebody.

I knew you'd be fine.

Billy?

Hey, by the way, I bet you weren't even dating them.

I bet the whole time she's like, I don't know who you are.

You're like, shut the fuck up, bitch.

You're my parents.

How could you treat me like this?

Dude,

holy shit.

Damn, Jay.

Did you know?

I am bad at this.

No.

That's his rig.

These guys have played this a lot.

I never win.

But you know what's crazy?

I'm like John C.

Riley and Talladega Knights.

Hold on.

I want to apologize.

You think I'd ever go to Death Johnson?

I'm really sorry.

I constantly, by the way, people will argue that we're in cahoots because I often, certain ones like this, which I believe I said during this, I go, this isn't Lewis at all.

And then everyone.

Well, she started saying Lewis, and you were like, no, shut up, Catherine.

You shut her down.

Stop.

Making like that.

I was like, I'll listen to what you have to say.

And you were like, she's such a stupid bitch.

And I was like, dude, don't talk about our female friends like that.

So listen, it was a girl I was dating in high school.

She was Ukrainian.

And I guess in Ukrainian culture, they have like fucking debutante things when you turn 16 or 17.

I have no idea.

All I know is she wasn't bringing my Puerto Rican ass to this debutante ball.

So she was going with like another like Ukrainian kid, and I was so mad.

She went with another Ukrainian kid.

She went with a Ukrainian kid to this debutante ball.

That's why you've been funding Russia.

It all comes full circle, Vicky.

You knew you'd have your chance to get suckle net, Vic.

And that's where the anger started.

Yeah.

So, yeah, we got to a huge fight, and that was that.

Did you win?

Yeah, I beat the shit out of her.

It was pretty sad.

She had a weak chin.

She wasn't a good fighter at all.

Yeah.

I put her through a fucking wall.

She seemed prepared to fight, but Lewis just beat her like Commando.

No more invites to any Debutant balls after that.

Wait, say that again?

You were banned from the balls.

Well, he was

never going.

Did you want to go to the ball?

Oh, I wanted to go to the ball so bad.

You did?

I didn't.

What is a debutante ball?

I still don't know what it is.

I think it's my story, and I don't know.

I think it's like, I think when they turn 16,

right?

Does anybody know?

Are there any dirty Ukrainians here right now?

You don't know from Virginia, really?

I'm from Kentucky.

First of all, it's like Virginia.

Kind of like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a line.

Waltzing.

Kentucky doesn't have Debutant balls.

They have those slave parties.

Old South.

What are they called?

What they call Can't develop parties?

Yes.

Shut up.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

I am losing.

In last place with zero points.

Craig Konan.

Come on.

Hey.

This game's a puppy.

It's hard to get them all wrong.

We did discover yesterday it takes as much skill to win as it does to get zero.

As As much to get to perfect scores as it is to get zero.

So if you pull off zero,

you'll be the first.

Alex.

In fourth place with two points, Catherine Blanford.

Non.

How about inclusive?

Second to last more bare.

In third place with three points, Big Jay Ogerson.

And tied for the lead with four points each, Lewis J.

Gomez and Jamie Kennedy.

Lewis jumped up there.

Oh, yeah.

Let's take a second to thank one of our new sponsors over here at Story Wars, and that is Cash App, everybody.

For all the parents out there with teenagers, we know you're already trying to keep a million different things under control.

Cash App is here to help make sure your teens' money and their spending isn't adding to that craziness.

Lewis, this is a position you're in.

My daughter's past the teen years now.

Yeah.

James is about to be 13 years old, which this is literally perfect for him.

It's for teens age 13 to 17.

This is where they're learning how to spend money, how to be responsible with money.

Cash App makes managing money feel easier and just cooler.

That's the reality.

It has tools that can help teens develop real-world financial habits in a space that's safe and easy to navigate, all with your oversight and approval.

So if you got kids and you want to give them a little bit of responsibility, have them manage their own money in a smart way, this is a great way to do that.

There's no monthly fees, no minimum balance requirements.

There's no hidden charges when sending or receiving money.

And with the Cash App card, you and your teens balances receive 24-7 fraud monitoring.

And if something ever fails off, you have the ability to lock their card right from your phone in just one tap, skip the stress and give your teen a way to learn financial responsibility with no hidden fees.

All you got to do right now is download the Cash App and get started today.

And for a limited time only, new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn additional cash.

Just download the Cash App app and use the code Family10 in your profile.

Send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you're going to get a $10 deposit dropped right into your account.

That's crazy.

Terms apply, but that's free money.

That's Cash App.

Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank.

Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners, prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC, direct deposit roundups, overdraft coverage, and discounts provided by Cash App, a Block Inc.

brand.

Visit cash.app slash legal/slash podcast for full disclosures.

All right, let's get back into it.

Where are we at?

Story number four.

Story number four.

I had a roommate put his balls on my shoulder from behind.

And when Catherine

and by roommate, she means uncle.

He still made me pay rent.

Sorry, Alex.

I had a roommate put his balls on my shoulder from behind.

And when I turned to see what was on my shoulder, his penis kissed my cheek.

Okay, I just want to say, just based off of the word count, Jamie.

That's a long sentence.

Jesus God, every time.

Think about that.

Every time it's me, the penis is on my cheek now.

I was going to say Craig again because because

I'm going to take him on both ends of the rainbow there.

The first thing I thought he was part of a debutante ball.

So now maybe he's actually just kissing penises with his roommate.

No, the penis kissed his cheek.

No man would write penis kissed.

No man would write debutante ball.

No offense.

Wait, dude, that was masterful because you went, oh, ball.

And that's when I counted you out.

Yeah, I play this game at a very high level.

Wow.

I'm extremely manipulative.

Fuck, that was great.

As soon as you did that, I was like, oh, this idiot is dumb.

And I counted you out.

Wow.

Yeah, and he's faded.

This is...

No, he's just bald.

Fuck.

I mean, the idea of a penis kissing your cheek is the most adorable image I've ever had in my entire life.

I'm not gay, but I do want a penis to kiss me good night every night.

But like a soft one.

Yeah,

that's just laying on balls real soft, and it's like it companies comes over, it wakes up to give you one.

Yeah.

But

it can't be after you jerk off a little bit because they give you the stream of calm.

Like,

it's called a wet kiss.

Yeah, no, I don't want that.

Then it would be gay.

It's the a wet picnic.

I don't want it to be gay.

I mean,

I think it was you then.

Yeah, I'm getting Craig vibes.

This is a fun story.

It's a funny story.

He's playing dumb.

I I think he did know what the theme was.

I think that was a gag in the beginning.

And yeah, I could just, I'm picturing a penis.

I'm picturing a penis kissing his little cute cheek right now, and I just love it.

I want it to be real, so I'm going to vote for Craig.

I got nice cheeks.

You have those penis-kissable cheeks?

Come give me a whale.

You know what?

The thing is,

you know,

you put your dick on another man's shoulder in torrents,

it's getting

real.

You might pull back a stall.

Yeah,

but it is the softest part of the penis.

So it's like a little hug for your cheek.

Yeah.

That's what I've heard.

There you go.

A weird rubber.

This could be a fucking fake out again, and Lewis could have fucking died.

I know.

Catherine said earlier something about having to be third-party perspective on her stories.

And for that, I'm going to say

this might be Catherine.

You think so?

You think Catherine?

You think I wouldn't know what a dick on my shoulder feels like?

You think Catherine shared those people

on their shoulders?

You think Catherine shared a story about being sexually assaulted on Story Wars?

All right, that's fair.

Think so.

That's fair.

Is that considered sexual assault?

You don't think so?

Then it is you.

And I'm right back.

I'm like, oh, shit.

I am sexually assaulted then.

Kentucky in the house.

I'm finding out about myself tonight.

Oh, we're finding out Catherine's cool as shit.

That assault.

Come on, that's a fun Tuesday.

And after this show.

Super fucking cool.

She doesn't fucking start yapping her fucking mouth.

Shit.

And after this show, Catherine was surprisingly booked on every episode when it went to Netflix.

We changed the show to is that sexual assault?

Question mark?

Oh, dick shoulders, old ball shoulders Blandford.

If it's not in the eye, it's not S.A.

I don't, I don't, I want to say, Craig, but I feel like I've heard all your stories and I don't know this one.

I feel like it's Lewis.

I like this.

Don't even give an explanation.

Just feel like it is.

Feel it.

Then go with it.

I can't.

It can't be back-to-back stories, by the way.

Just so you know, it can't be somebody.

What does that mean?

It can't be the same person back-to-back.

It can.

It can.

It's happened plenty of times.

We're all randomly organized or generated.

Can you guys all, like...

Hey, security, kick this fucking asshole out right now.

I misspoke, asshole.

You don't laugh at me.

No, dude, that guy's wearing pantara.

That guy just waxed his balls today.

He has a pantera shirt.

Are you having PTSD?

And he's got the smooth.

I bet he's got the smoothest balls in the room.

That's what you listen to when you're fucking sheering down.

All right, what are we thinking here, guys?

Okay, I was gonna say, Jamie, but I feel like Jamie's never had a roommate.

Oh my god, I'm real.

I'm a realm.

I don't know something about this shirt.

I'm a real privileged debutante bitch to you.

Yeah, and look, you have a little Taylor Swift bracelet on.

That's cute.

Yeah, that's cute.

I feel like you wouldn't have a roommate.

The three of you for sure have.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I had roommates with a child.

I mean, I had a child, and we also had roommates.

I currently have roommates.

You currently have roommates?

I wasn't born like a Kennedy.

I'm not, that's my last name.

Yeah, so I think that's...

Yeah, you were.

Yeah, you were born a Kennedy.

I was, but I wasn't.

I'm still, you know, not far from Big Jack.

Can you turn your head like this for a second?

Why do you do it with your mouth open?

Is that your elbow?

Is that your elbow?

I can't.

I think I'm gonna be scared again.

What?

Stop it.

See, here's the thing.

This could be Craig or it could be Jay.

Jay's now, well, Jay and Lewis both have...

proven their masterful acting skills.

But Craig hasn't had one yet.

But then it should be Catherine because he's fucking, we could 0 for three with her.

Yeah, but not just that.

She's totally cool if you just put your dick on her.

Keep in mind how awesome that is.

Whose ever story this is, we take that home from this.

Yeah, we're all winners, technically.

So at a party, when it happens, she's like, finally.

I go, do I get booked now?

I thought that was funny.

They don't get it.

Yeah, I don't get it.

This game's hard.

Oh, there could be a giveaway.

Right there.

I'm going with it.

My gut.

I don't really know why, Lewis, but I think it's you.

This is some fucking Latino and Latino groom right now.

Yeah.

Half Latino on Latin.

These white people are all fucking eating it up right now.

They love it, dude.

They love us attacking each other.

Look at this.

Let's see you in it.

You fucking did, dude.

They just found out Craig was Mexican 15 seconds ago.

Yeah, it's got to be you.

I don't know why.

JB, what's the camera with?

That's wrong with Catherine.

Dude, I can't believe I'm going.

I don't know.

It just feels, it's so wordy.

So I feel like.

Yeah, because I fucking grew up in a country club.

So much time to write when nothing's wrong.

Alex, all of her answers are

story number four.

Whose story is this?

Wow.

Story number four belongs to Big Jay.

Joe Oakson.

I knew that.

I really owe her an apology.

You know what?

I went, Big Jay would have a roommate that would do that.

You would live with somebody like that, you little scoundrel.

Was it Joe DeRosa?

It was Joe DeRosa.

I love Joe.

That's awesome.

Joe was my roommate.

I moved him up from Philly to New York, and he lived with me for like a couple years, and with me and my ex and my daughter.

What?

And well, they were gone for the day.

And me and Joe behind.

And Joe, if you know Joe DeRosa, is a big, even though he's built like

E.T.

with long legs,

he'll be naked.

He don't give a fuck.

And he would come out of the shower.

He's always that guy who would just flap his little wiener around you.

And I was on the computer one time.

We just had like a communal living room computer.

And I was on it.

He kept calling my name from behind me.

And he's like, Jay, I'm like, what?

And he's like, and he just kept calling my name, waiting for me.

He just wanted to turn around and show me that his dick was out, that he was like in a towel, like naked.

And I just wasn't turning around.

I was just doing whatever I was doing.

And he's like, dude, and I just keep hearing his voice get closer.

And then finally, I just hear him laughing hard.

And I don't, I just feel like just something on my shoulder, but I assume it's like his hand or whatever.

And he goes, dude, dude.

And I was like, buddy, when I turn around, his dick kissed me on the cheek, and his fucking preges

fucking pulled a string off.

Mozzarella cheese!

And I just went, I just screamed, and he apologized.

It was such a frantic.

Wait, why was he, why did he have preges?

He didn't.

I don't know.

He was coming up.

Maybe he whacked off in the shower.

Yeah, that could have been posted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the...

Dude, he didn't catch corner, right?

No, no, I didn't.

Okay,

it was awful.

By the way, post is above board.

Pri is gay.

Post is like, all right, dude, that's.

No, there was there.

It was there.

It happened to be there, and my face hit it.

I didn't make it happen.

No, okay.

Do you think Joe kind of jizzes a little bit when he giggles, though?

Yes.

Yeah.

I really believe he does.

Big J.

Like E.T.

I ain't finally got one in.

Did you hear what you just said?

You're like, my face did it.

It wasn't him.

He was like, no, it's not his fault.

It was me.

I'm the problem.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, did you get to hit?

I'm a very victim's mentality.

I asked for it.

I should have just turned around and looked at his dick, and it never would have come to that.

You didn't swing on him, slap him, his pecker, something?

No, it was funny, man.

Okay.

It's hilarious.

Dare I say you have to be full white to understand this, but

white guys take a lot of laughter.

Now, just so you know, before you think Lewis is Hispanic, him and our friend Justin worked themselves up to full boner

months.

Justin worked himself up to like 75% boner.

I just was like, dude, stop.

Wait,

what?

So we went on the road years ago.

No, you don't want to hear the whole story.

No, it's fine.

Him and Justin whacked themselves up to

full boners.

And then

we went on the road.

We were opening for Big Jay.

This is like 15 years ago.

And

we were like,

this is where I was involved.

Jay, when we get to the hotel over where he went to go take a shit, and Jay takes...

Jay in front of the lady?

Well, that's what you did.

Everyone does.

We both really.

We're like, let's play a prank on Jay.

Let's both get naked.

And then when Jay comes out of the bathroom, we'll both be naked in the bed.

Haha.

Hey, hilarious, man.

Hey, look, we're naked.

You care, right?

You care that we're naked.

That's great.

Jay, your little boys want to show you their peepees.

So they want to show them.

Yeah, so we got in bed and we got naked, and then Justin's like, Justin's like, No, dude, he was like, We should be, we should be hard, it'll be really funny,

it'll be a funnier bit if we're hard.

Which, in retrospect, it would have been funnier if we were hard

because I fought him on it.

I was like, Dude, I'm not getting hard.

He was like, No, come on.

I started jerking off,

and I was like, Dude, I'm not jerking off in bed with you right now.

I don't think you realize that you were sexually assaulted in the room, and you were pretty cool about it.

He goes,

You know, Jay shits for a long time.

We got some time to fool around before he gets him down.

Dude, do you get punched for being sexually assaulted?

So, Jay takes, Jay,

he decides to fucking really take his time.

He takes a 20-minute long shit.

Someone's bed forever.

He turns out to try to like maintenance jerk.

He keeps him going down, and then he has to get it back up.

And I'm like, dude, this is.

Me, I'm cleaning up on World Star hip-hop videos in the bathroom.

So he.

I don't know why, by the way, every time you pantomime me, I look down.

He comes out of the bathroom.

Didn't he come to the bathroom?

We're naked in bed.

He doesn't even look at us, and he just leaves the hotel room.

I went to go smoke.

He doesn't acknowledge us.

He goes, he grabs cigarettes and leaves.

The amount of time we spent naked in bed together for no payoff.

The payoff is this.

Yeah.

Hold up.

Were you guys making tents or were you out?

No.

On top.

On top of the cover.

Dude, your two dicks were hard and it didn't even touch

was softer than it's it's ever been, Catherine.

That's not true.

Your buddy, Justin, he's outside smoking.

He's like, I just came from nothing.

Fuck.

Alex, that was for you, Jay.

That was the week we always did.

That was the week.

We always tell a story.

We were laying there, and Justin goes, I did five gay things in my life.

I'm going to tell you guys.

And we were like, don't.

Because we're going to tell everybody.

And he goes, nah, no, you're not.

I'm going to tell you guys.

And I went, don't.

I will tell people.

And if you remember, he didn't tell us.

And I think that's always a good thing because I don't think he wants wants people to know that he just did five gay things.

And I tell everybody that

imagine if we had more detail, you know,

that'd be the entire show.

We'd start another podcast based off that.

Alex, where are our points at after Four Stories?

All right, heading into halftime in last place with zero points.

Craig Conin.

I hope we're having that.

That's what,

yeah, that's

in fourth place with two points, Catherine Blanford.

I feel like I'm winning.

You are winning.

Catherine, you can just have the book.

I'm good.

I heard what they do to women in that book.

Have you?

Because I've heard that in London and Paris, two cities are linked by fate, love and a French revolution.

A French nobleman and a dissolute English lawyer have become dangerously entwined, and they happen to have an uncanny physical resemblance, a detail that becomes a matter of life or death.

Can this strange similarity be the key to saving a life or will it all lead to an even greater tragedy?

Nothing about women.

Nothing about women.

Alice, continue with the points.

Tied for second place with four points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Jamie Kennedy.

And now in the lead with seven points, Big Jay Ogerson.

The audience is so with you.

They want you to win.

Look at them.

They love you.

They love you, Jay.

You know what it is?

They love you, dude.

I do so much.

I make them laugh so much, and they just see me sad here every week watching my friend break my heart with lying to my face over and over again.

And I believe you every time and they watch it happen.

It's like a soap opera, they can't stop.

It is still very early in the game.

It is halfway, we're halfway through today's show.

We're gonna do some quick plugs, real quick.

Jamie, what are you plugging, my friend?

Oh,

you can go to jamiekane.com.

That's where you're gonna see all my tours.

I got a pod called Hate to Break It to You,

and

yeah, there we go.

Hell yeah,

Miss Blanford.

I'm on tour as well.

CatherineBlanford.com CatherineBlaford.com for tickets.

And I got a new podcast out with Shane Torres.

Oh, fun.

I love Shane.

Yeah, it looks like your baby.

She said he looks like our baby.

If you know Shane Torres,

perfect.

Yeah.

You guys did a good job.

Craig?

CraigConet.com.

I'm always on tour.

Catch me at a city.

I'm out there in these streets.

Woo.

On these cheeks.

Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

And they get it.

Listen to the Bonfire, Five Days a Week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course,

and also

I'm doing some live streaming now from home.

So

I did one last week for the first time, and it was great.

So I'll keep doing it if you guys keep wanting to watch it.

Just me going through my algorithm on YouTube.

It was fun.

It was a lot of fun.

And then, of course, the flagship show over here at Cast Digital, the motherfucking Legion of Skanks.

OG.

OG.

Yay!

Yay, yay.

Come to me live on the road.

I'm wrapping it up.

It's the end of the year.

The Bring Five Friends tour.

This is it, guys.

For the rest of the year, we're changing the name of the tour to the Bring Eight Friends tour, which is pretty sick.

If you guys want to bring eight friends to each, that would be pretty sweet.

And yeah, go to Lewisofskanks.com, grab tickets for any of the shows.

I'm going all over the place um check out all the other podcasts that i do the rags and legion of skanks i just filmed the special that's coming out in october on uh whatever platform we decide to put it on it's probably youtube

And I have a book.

Speaking of Story Wars, I have a book that I just finished.

It's available in pre-order right now on Amazon.

It's called Knives and Spoons.

Go to Amazon, grab it, get it in pre-order.

It's going to ship right before Christmas.

And I'm very proud of it.

I think you guys will like it.

And if you guys love the show, you should know that we do a pre-release for every episode.

GastDigital.com comes out monday nights before it goes anywhere else there's a bunch of on-demand episodes that aren't available anywhere else it's all uncensored all ad-free gasdigital.com use that promo code war to save a couple bucks a month all right let's get back to the show yeah

well

craig i know this is your first time doing the show and you're probably feeling like you're assed out

But you're not, my man.

I will tell you this.

You are actually only one good round away from being in the lead, if not being back in this game, because every time here for the second half of the show, the final four stories, we go double points.

It is anybody's game, Craig.

I'm back.

Anybody's game.

I'm back in, baby.

I'm fucking back.

This is it.

Now, whereas I know you've done either of these things yet,

if you double the points that you've made.

I didn't even mean to do it then.

It's totally cool.

I didn't actually say.

I said double the points.

I don't think that counts.

What's happening?

Let's say it's Jesus.

I don't think double the, I don't think, I think you have to say it.

I like it.

It's a good loophole.

Double.

All right, go ahead.

What's happening?

That's a fair question.

That's pretty, if you don't know that's coming, that could be a lot to take in.

Before, if it's your story and you fool people that it's not, you would receive one point for everybody you fool.

Yeah.

And two points for everybody that you guess correctly when you're guessing.

Now, that goes double points.

Wow.

This is the hairiest colt I've ever fucking witnessed who I died died in life.

For sure.

I mean, there are just rusty piercings on all of your faces.

Absolutely.

That's right.

They are metal nuts out there.

I love so much.

But they are loyal, and I love it.

And I feel like if an apocalypse happened, you guys wouldn't be killed very quickly.

No, no, no.

These guys, this is a lot of bunker.

This is a bunker audience.

Yeah, it's bunker.

Catherine, you want them on your side.

You'll be their queen.

Oh, y'all, please.

Absolutely.

This is the type of crowd that would, you know, jerk off the half boner if they were opening for you.

Absolutely.

But they definitely have a year's supply of some kind of cereal somewhere.

All right, Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I snuck into an Olympics opening ceremony disguised as a cleaner.

Jamie Kennedy, the only person with the means and situations to possibly even have that happen.

I mean, that's crazy.

I'm stuck in with my mom and my dad and my whole family.

With the queen.

Us Kennedys don't have to sneak.

Wait.

Craig, did you say you're half Mexican?

He already had the cleaning supplies on him.

And you're full Puerto Rican?

I'm half Puerto Rican.

All right.

That's two half.

Half Puerto Rican.

Yeah.

And Lewis isn't cleaning anything.

Wait, so hold on.

The Olympics,

where have the Olympics been in America?

Where are the balls in this story?

There's no balls.

You the one who didn't know it was a balls theme.

It's a balls move.

Yeah.

It's a balls move.

It's a balls the move.

Olympic sports have.

Some of them do have balls.

Balls.

Not anymore.

You know what I'm saying?

Hey.

Caitlin.

I mean, I can see Craig wearing like the uniform, you know, cleaner.

I think his energy says I need to get into the Olympics opening ceremony.

He doesn't give a shit about that.

You'd rather watch local dogs fight.

I brought wire snippers to Coachella.

And they were cheap.

I got them on the 99 cent store.

The clippers dented on the fence.

And then I just went, oh, and I just hopped it.

I was like, you fool.

Wasted a dollar.

Wasted a dollar.

Fuck Harbor Freight, am I right?

Where have the Olympics been out here?

Where's the Olympics been?

It doesn't say summer or winter.

We have to know where they've been.

So it's

Atlanta.

Atlanta.

Well, they're older, so maybe.

China.

Japan.

China.

Not make me feel good.

I've been nothing but nice.

Hold on.

But you would be a child then.

How old are you, Catherine?

That's right.

Exactly.

She goes, only two Olympics old.

Yeah.

This many Olympics.

Yeah, I mean,

I saw,

I remember it being in a little cradle watching Michael Phelps do his thing.

The last opening ceremony, they were disguised as a lot of things.

This was.

Oh, sorry.

Too much for this ganks?

Okay, sorry.

Sorry.

Delete that from the gas.

Wait, I don't don't get it.

All right.

Well, you will.

Thanks.

I mean, who wants to go to the Olympics here?

I mean, it's also just a fun story.

So, like, Craig, like, I wouldn't go to the Olympics, but if the Olympics, if I was there and I could just sneak in for like a fun story, I would do it.

But, dude, is it summer?

A lot of these Olympics are in foreign lands.

No offense to a lot of people.

It takes a lot of money to get to

historic.

Hold on.

Aren't the Winter Olympics, aren't they?

Every other one's in Utah, right?

Yes.

Every other one

is in Utah.

It's shit.

No, I think it's characteristic.

That's a great question.

I was seeing who knew most about the Olympics.

I believe her.

I think it's her.

That was a tell.

Fuck.

Who can speak it?

But it's summer.

I'm going to start the voting.

I already voted.

Damn.

Why are you seeing me?

I'm going, Craig.

First vote up.

Why do you think Craig wanted to get into the Olympics so bad?

How many stories have you had, Lewis, that

have been up there?

I think just one today, right?

You can have more than one, obviously.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You could have all of them.

Really?

Three, four.

But usually it's just two at the most.

Okay, tell

who

what?

I'm just writing your name, Lewis.

I got this.

I got who it's about.

This shit.

What?

What Olympics are we talking about?

That's what I'm saying.

Phone a friend.

Can we phone a friend?

Right.

I mean,

how would we possibly know that?

Yeah, if you're giving it away

if somebody said it.

At least.

Utah.

You guys are.

It's got to be cool.

Also, I mean,

we're six stories in.

We're an hour and 10 minutes into the show.

Oh, you're like, you know what?

This is a quadrant, a question show, right?

You thought that was the theme at this point in the show?

Look, now security's coming over to tell you to shut the fuck up.

We said the weakest security guard in the history of security guards.

That's how little respect we have for women.

We sent 112-pound

AIDS patient of a security guard to go and shut you up.

That's how little you could do to threaten us physically.

I bet she loved that so much.

I genuinely do.

I bet your members love it when you shit on them.

Yeah, they do.

Lewis kicks a lot of people out and throws it everyone.

They're like, give me more.

I love it.

That's why we have different meet and greets.

I go outside and like smoke a joy with everybody, and they're like, Lewis, fight my cousin.

And then Lewis just like gets in a stance and starts fighting.

I'm like, I'm going to go to bed, man.

It's like, hey, guys, I'm going to dip my hands in glass.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, you pop at the green.

He goes, he goes, you pop at the dresser.

Guys, I got to go.

There's a couponet.

It's two blocks over.

If they get you to fight their cousin, do they get double the points?

What the fuck?

It's brutal.

I get triple points.

I got a standing boo.

It happened, Catherine.

Yeah.

Don't be mad at the audience.

You have to understand

in order to trigger

double points.

You have to be a story warrior.

You have to have won a game with story wars.

So you guys can't actually trigger it.

You can't trigger it.

Until you win.

Are you kidding me?

Listen.

If one of you three wins.

This is like a hard metal DD over here.

You guys are fucking making up the rules

with a fucking denim vest cut off.

So uncomfortable.

It's only happened twice.

It was you and Adam Ray.

Adam Ray.

Adam Ray.

So delightfully uncomfortable.

Adam Ray.

Because they're all in on it.

They're like, oh, they love it.

They love not cheering.

Okay, but you want to tell you.

He did a slow belt.

He's like,

you know, that could be a little.

And you can see in the video, me and Lewis are going, like, done good.

And he just goes, and he just lays it out there.

The crowd does nothing.

He's like,

he went big faced with it.

He was so happy.

And I was like, ooh,

it doesn't work like that.

dude the fact that they have memorized everyone that's worn story wars is fucking insane

thank you roots some might say they deserve

double points it doesn't work right yeah yeah

so we have to we have to i was hoping when you let me So how do...

No, but you let me die.

I'm already losing.

Zero points, bro.

Can throw me a bone.

We don't have zero points etc.

We should have zero points episode that plays.

You squash, squash, squash.

Alrighty, guys, put your votes in.

We're halfway through these stories.

It's got to be Catherine.

So

there's a secret code to summon the DP.

Don't market it.

Basically, yeah.

That was a good one.

Look, it's hers.

She's got the outfit.

No, this is fucking...

That's the cleaner's outfit.

I wouldn't wear this.

She's the only one with jump suits.

We ain't got no rompers, dude.

Yeah.

You think we're getting full naked to wipe our ass?

None of us.

It's Catherine.

She's the only one with the jumper.

Romper, jumper.

What's the difference?

What is it called?

This is 400.

I didn't speak the whole show.

It all came out right now.

Better late than never.

They say that about nonverbal children a lot.

They say, just wait.

They're ready to speak.

They'll say it all.

It's not my fault.

It was the vaccine.

He is like Dave Smith.

Catherine's voting for Craig.

Craig's voting for Catherine.

Final answer.

How many have, who were the last two winners?

Don't play that game.

They're all randomly generated.

It's like trying to look at the roulette wheel and being like, There was two blacks in a row, the next one's gonna be red.

It should be Craig, but Jamie,

I don't even know where the Olympics are.

No, because there's no Olympics in America,

like several Olympics in America.

Oh, I forgot.

YouTube.

It's coming here.

It's coming here, but it didn't happen in the fucking future yet.

Do you find out I was

when I was young if I was Richard Jewel?

Boy, these guys really just wait until they say the joke.

Fuck us.

Can I switch it?

Craig's voting for me.

Craig is retarded.

Did I spell it right?

They spelled it right.

You spell it perfectly right.

Yes.

Then why am I retarded?

It's a crazy answer.

I mean, I guess I would.

I would do it.

Listen, I don't want to.

Do what you want to do.

I would say I don't.

I would know this about Lewis, but I've done this before, and it's Lewis, and then he winks at me like a fucking bitch.

And I wear that for the rest of the night, like I'm angry outwardly.

Why am I so nervous?

I don't even want the book.

That's the magic of Story Wars.

I don't fucking know, dude.

Fucking.

Yeah.

Craig, it doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.

Oh, it does.

He does want the book.

Tale of Two Titties.

By the way, he's never written anything other than Catherine, but he's erased it and written it in 17 different fonts.

It was always Catherine, but he just chose to fall.

It was always Catherine.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

It was always Catherine.

Blanford.

Yes.

Yeah.

I told you.

Yeah.

She's wearing the uniform right now.

I fucking knew it.

Wow.

Yeah, Olympics.

There's sports.

There's balls in it.

Okay.

You don't have my balls.

I had to stretch.

I got an internship working the Summer Olympics in London, 2012.

Not even mentioned.

We worked for the cleaning company.

It was an Australian cleaning company.

And

we would schedule the cleaners at different venues.

And I really wanted to go to the opening ceremonies because I heard the Spice Girls were going to pop out.

Well, in Europe, they have hot blonde girls as cleaners.

That's crazy.

No, no, no.

We're there, Mexicans.

You got to get out there to see the world.

Oh, but I want to see the opening ceremonies, but that wasn't my venue.

So my boss was like, the only way you can get in is if you pose as a sweeper.

And so I put on the uniform and I had a sweeper and a broom and thing.

You started pushing that big like puck thing down the ice.

Dude,

yeah, man.

No, they wouldn't let me drive.

I got so obsessed

with

what?

Yeah,

I thought you were talking about the zoning.

Each other's joke.

Yeah, no, no.

I thought you were talking about the Zimbabwe.

Yeah, this

bony.

The Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe.

The Zimbabwe.

You sure wasn't overly

opening it.

It's okay.

We're going to edit this whole section out of the podcast.

This past minute, we're going to just chop it, chip it up, put it up, put an ad right there.

We're good.

She forgot one detail.

It was the special Olympics.

I go where I know I can win, okay?

Retard.

So,

wait, so only retards wear rompers.

Yeah.

See, we can hide.

So, the Olympics weren't in Utah.

So, let me get the show.

That was a good, that was a good twist.

Okay, lots of short.

I kind of got obsessed with the cleaning, and I missed the ceremonies, and then they were like, get in here, you got to come to our VIP section.

It's very full.

And

I was with my friend, and we kind of caught shuffled in this like big crowd of people in the VIP section.

And I ran into a man in a wheelchair, and my friend was like, Do you know who you just bumped into?

And I was like, No.

And she's like, That's Stephen Hawking.

And I didn't recognize that situation.

I was in an elevator with Paul Abdul once, didn't realize it until afterwards.

Yeah, I didn't.

Stephen Hawking, I would notice in Eddie East, he's steering a fucking thing with his face.

Yeah,

yeah, but didn't create a force field.

Did not create a force field.

Or maybe turned it off for me.

I don't know.

Alex, after five stories, where are our points at?

All right, everybody.

I have a three-way tie for third place with four points each between Louis J.

Gomez, Craig Ponant, and Jamie Kennedy.

In second place with seven points, Big Jay Okerson.

Do I get any points from now in the lead with eight points?

Catherine Blanford,

how'd she win?

No.

But you know what's great?

It's you don't even know why you're in the lead.

It's like when you're treating like you just did a scratch-off ticket.

They go, you're like, did I win?

They go, $10.

Hey!

Yeah.

You took the lead.

I just tripled the points.

I thought they were going to start moaning.

He's just making sex.

Can we add rules?

Wait, can you guys do it and just see

what it sounds like?

Because they'll respond to you.

Triple the points.

If everyone starts moaning sexually, you can do that.

Why not?

That's fun.

Guys,

if anybody wins ever says triple points, you have to moan.

Hey, we went triple points.

That's how you sound sexually?

Oh!

Give a funny...

by the way it's because our crowd doesn't know they've never moaned sexually it's like asked them to speak mandarin for the first time guys speak mandarin

moan like sex other things you're not familiar with it sounded like they were taking a shit

damn it get laid you losers

It was insane.

All right, Story Warriors, let's take a quick moment away from all this fun gameplay and thank body brain coffee for supporting the show i created this company specifically for me my testosterone was low i wanted to naturally boost it without putting a needle into my ass i started researching supplements that worked it's packed with incredible adaptogens and nootropics that support testosterone naturally support brain function naturally and just overall are really really good for you it's five ingredients third-party tested and it genuinely works I've been dipping my wiener in it.

We'll see.

He's got a brown wiener now, which is pretty sick.

Yeah, if you guys, look, look, whether you guys have low testosterone or not, you want to make sure you have hormonal balance.

You want to make sure you're thinking sharper and feeling better.

If you want to just increase your virility, your energy, your brain function, you want to just be smarter, sharper overall.

It has so many different things.

Ashwagandha, Lions Maim, Tongad Ali, Eltheenim, all packed into some amazing premium freeze-dried Colombian coffee.

Comes right to your door in 30-day supplies.

Just go to bodybraincoffee.com right now.

Use the promo code WAR25 for 25% off today.

War 25, 25% off.

It's the best deal you can get on Body Brain Coffee.

So support this company.

It supports everything we do.

Thank you guys very much.

Bodybraincoffee.com.

All right, where were we?

All right, Alex.

Story number six.

Story number six.

At age seven, I crashed an elderly family member's car at the bank when they left me alone with it running.

Nothing to do with balls.

It's the first scene of

Ricky Bobby.

Is it really?

Yeah, shake and bake.

Shake and bake.

It's Jamie.

This could.

I was thinking.

Yes, because his family goes to the bank a lot.

Yeah.

That is true.

He's a Kennedy.

You gotta find these clues.

At age seven, I crashed my family's Rolls-Royce.

Yeah.

Elderly.

Who says elderly besides a Kennedy?

You know what I mean?

I told Lamar, our driver, to get out.

I told him to get his black ass out of our limousine.

I've got it from here.

I'm grabbing my mean coat.

Bitch.

And I'm like, I'm like, only $100.

You would say elderly.

I thought it might be your story, but you would never say elderly.

No.

Why?

Because they respect our elderly in the community.

Has Craig had a story in yet?

We say old.

Oh.

Craig's not had a story in yet, right?

No, you're right.

No, man.

And you would do that.

Yeah, allegedly.

What time, bro, did you start taking the drugs?

12.

12?

Yeah.

All right, so this is five prior.

Yeah, but he's addicted to adrenaline.

He loves firecrackers and shit.

Oh, was you trying to rob the bank?

How do you know that?

Everybody knows that.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

It's my brand.

Firecrackers Firecrackers and drugs, baby.

Look at it.

Age seven, I crashed an elderly family member's car at the bank.

This is a lot of backstory.

Now I'm thinking it's Jamie the way you read it like that.

That was good acting.

At age seven, I crashed.

No, we were, I was too busy in Nantucket.

Do you guys not know fucking geography?

Jesus Christ.

Fucking pulling the land.

Peter was a guy from Nantucket.

Jamie was bankrupt.

His dick wasn't that big.

He made me suck it.

I'm going to vote for Craig.

I feel like at one point we got to get a Craig story.

It's the only reason that I'm voting for him right now.

Well, no, no, Jamie.

Well,

don't you fucking change it.

No, you can't change it.

No, it was my last one.

I didn't take it down.

Oh.

You guys saw that, right?

Please have my back.

Fair, fair.

I got very serious.

You saw that?

Whoa.

Stop the tape.

Put that fucking beckon.

Putting a little cute.

I think.

Who's Janie voting for?

That might be the decision for me.

Hey, question.

Can you vote for yourself?

No.

God, this seems like a Craig story, but you wouldn't talk like that.

It's

weird that you asked that weird question just now before you voted.

It's acting.

And I feel like you've never, I haven't heard.

I don't see Catherine now that she just said that.

Oh, she asked if she could vote for herself.

Yeah, I mean, I guess that is a pretty big context clue.

Catherine.

What?

No, but is this you?

I vote for Catherine.

We're not driving cars to banks when I was growing up.

What?

What do you take?

How do you get to the bank?

We're not going to the bank.

You were in Kentucky.

Was it one of those like booze bus things where you guys all have to pedal to get to the bank?

Yes.

We don't, we're not.

I'm in the bike for him.

We're not going to the fucking bank.

I mean, the excuse being, we didn't take a car to the bank.

You're just trying to find something to deflect it away from you.

Everybody took a car to the bank.

Yeah.

You don't know me.

This is so Catherine.

God damn it.

Can we...

No, no, we can't change it.

It's 100%.

I think it's Craig.

I think it's Craig because he's a wild man.

It's Catherine.

So you just deflect it off yourself.

No, it's fucking Jamie, dude.

Why do you think?

At age seven, I crashed an elderly family member's car

when they would not give me all my travel checks.

What the fuck?

I didn't grow up in fucking London.

I'm from the streets of Malibu.

You know what I'm saying?

She's gangster.

It's hard.

It's hard.

Horn.

She's still...

Okay.

All right.

This is not an easy case.

See, Catherine's voted for Jamie almost every day.

This is...

Are you on Facebook?

She always thinks it's Jamie every time.

He's your Lewis.

I feel like we should be.

Well, I think it's because I feel like you've never had to, like, you've never actually gotten in trouble where you've had to lie to the police for anything.

You know what I mean?

You just call your lawyer.

My dad's not Lloyd Bridges.

I wasn't like born in Hollywood.

I don't.

I don't know.

I just look at Jesus.

I look like I'm selling fucking rum in the keys.

What are you talking about?

Does this scream posh?

Coglib's wall, dude.

Buying Coke in the keys.

Isn't real here.

Someone's having a memory.

Alex, all of our answers are in story number six.

Story number six belongs to

Craig Conan.

Yes!

Fucking.

Yeah, she.

I didn't.

I knew it.

You changed it to elderly.

I wrote, I crashed my Nana's car.

They wrote it different.

I don't talk like that.

No, yeah, I'd go to get it.

Yeah, no,

I would go to church with Nana, and she was crazy white lady, and she kissed the priests on the mouth and shit in front of everybody.

She buried two husbands and a son, kind of lady, and she took me to the bank and like in the 70s Dodge Dart, like a steel car, you know what I mean?

And she went in there and she left it with the engine running.

And I was always high on Kool-Aid, tropical punch.

You know, the red mouth, you know?

And I got got behind the wheel and i was playing with stuff and then i tried to hit the brake i hit the gas i crashed over a little curb into a brick wall took out a little tree and then everyone surrounded me because i'm seven you know

and then i i just get scared and it was a bench seat and i'm glad i was smart enough i just scooted over to the passenger side and I just waited for my nana.

And then she came.

She got in.

She said, don't tell anybody about this.

And then we took off.

That's cool.

She's a fucking gangster, dude.

That's a cool data.

Yeah, yeah.

But I had stories about balls.

You know?

I guess it takes balls, but I had real balls.

I mean,

there's not a ball to be seen in that story, Greg.

Balls?

But you know what?

It was a great story.

So we'll look at the story.

What are our scores looking like?

All right, in fifth place

with seven points.

Big Jay Okerson.

Just like that.

I mean, you go from second to last place just like that.

It's a brutal game here.

And we have an unprecedented turn of events here.

What?

We have a four-way tie for first place.

Wow.

Who have?

With eight points.

Oh, so I'm like in fourth place, but in fifth place, but I'm in second place, really.

No,

it's more like we all rule together and you're on a loser island.

No.

I'm unique.

You guys are all fucking followers.

Spiders.

Luis J.

Gomez, Craig Conant, Catherine Blanford, and Jamie Kennedy all in the lead.

Whoa.

We get to rip pages out.

They're all in the lead with

me.

Hold on.

I want to.

point

to

this.

God smart.

I mean, Jay,

you're only down one point.

This is almost a five-way tie, which is great.

Anybody can be going home with a tale of two cities by Charles Dixon.

Set during the French Revolution, a tale of two cities follows the French aristocrat Charles Darnay and the English lawyer Sidney Carton, two men who both love Lucy Manette.

When Darnay is sentenced to die by the guillotine, Carton enacts a desperate and selfless rescue, proving proving that even in war-torn France, love and sacrifice can triumph over hate.

Let's see if they know this book.

You going from first place to last place?

Yeah, kind of feels like for you, it was the best of times.

It was the worst of times.

Could you

open that book and read the first book?

I'm aware.

I know.

But my point is, I was afraid of the question because I thought you were going to know anything more about this book than just I would know.

And you just said the only thing that 100% of everybody knows.

I thought you were going to ask something about page 73 or something.

I've never read this book.

Down with Bloody Big Head.

Is that in it?

No.

Oh.

It's from Alex.

Oh, is this?

They're only noodles, Michael.

Oh, that was the law school.

Alex.

Story number seven.

80s.

Story number seven.

I once did an impression of a powerful celebrity to his face.

Every time it's changing.

Jamie.

I mean, that has.

In full makeup on a show where you did this exact thing.

No, I played characters.

That's true.

Well, everybody's a comedian.

Why do I always get blamed?

Wait, does anybody, do you guys do impressions?

Well, we've never met powerful celebrities.

You could have waxed your head and made fun of Joe Rogan.

Don't be an asshole.

We're in the Rogan sphere now, so how about you

have a little fucking respect for our friends over here?

We're a little bit fresh.

We're a little fresh in the sphere.

Well, just be careful because, you know, they're always watching in the sphere.

You can be in the sphere one minute and out of the sphere just like that.

So you gotta be careful.

That reminds me, I'll be taking my testosterone tomorrow.

It's like the Truman show.

You're right, I love Organ, me.

Elk hunting, 3 a.m.

Got it.

What if that was a Rogan

spot?

Right there.

Secret spot.

Right there.

They're making fun of it.

They're not taking it seriously, the sphere.

Yeah, no, right on stage in front of people.

Seems like they're going to put it out.

149.

They don't respect you.

Joe?

4-9.

Nice.

Oh, sick.

An impression of a powerful celebrity.

No, I can't do very many impressions.

I can do,

I do the best.

I do a great Trump.

That's a powerful celebrity.

That's true.

Right to his face.

Wonderful Trump.

I do a great.

Great Trump.

They're not letting you close to Trump.

No, they're not.

No.

Jay, what's your best impression?

None.

Your

impression is that I just, yeah, my Lewis is pretty dope.

My Josh Adam Myers.

I just need these people to get you.

I do Josh Adam Myers.

Come on.

You know I can do Josh.

You just got to talk like this, man.

That was spot on.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I can't do impressions at all.

Jay can't do impressions, can you, Craig?

Barely.

Barely.

Like the cookie monster.

know what I mean?

That's a powerful celebrity.

He is, bro.

He's the monster of all cookies.

Yeah, I'm not very good at it.

Impression.

Yeah.

Catherine, I feel like you probably do a great impression of somebody.

I don't.

I can't.

None.

I can't even...

No.

The only thing I do is Britney Spears stubbed her toe in the bathtub.

That's pretty good.

That's it.

She's a powerful celebrity.

And can't she?

Now that she has her money back.

No, no.

Oh.

Bulls green.

Oh, shit.

We're just wasting time before we all write Jamie.

Yep.

Why?

All right.

No, because you could be hiding that.

There's a lot of comics that have.

I know his act.

He does more impressions than he's saying.

But I also know that you guys, I know that you do a couple, even though

you don't.

Don't you?

I've seen you.

Jamie?

Sneakily.

Jamie?

Sneakily.

Yeah.

They all know that I do no impressions.

I mean, they will tell you right now.

He He does have so few impressions.

One of his impressions is of himself.

Yeah, hey.

Doing the voice that we.

Hey, I'm Lewis.

Hey, what's going on, everyone?

I do a pretty good Lewis.

You're really good.

I do a pretty sick Lewis.

Yeah.

Would you say you're a powerful celebrity?

What'd you say?

Would you say you're a powerful celebrity?

He would.

This might be Lewis.

You just blew my mind.

We've been smoking weed up here.

Now I'm thinking this is like Lewis.

Like I'm looking in a mirror.

This is what I would say.

I'll do it right to your face.

Yeah, but if you meet people,

you might want to do.

Oh, I could do Leanne.

Laura, you might be one of my babies.

Laura.

Oh, Skank Fest isn't big fans of Leanne Morgan.

No fucking way.

That's pretty good.

I thought you met Leanne Chrysler.

I did too.

I was like, yeah, I love Bert.

Who the fuck is Leanne Morgan?

Are you fucking serious?

She's Brett Butler, right?

Huh?

She's got that.

She got a sitcom.

I didn't write it yet.

Boy,

that's crazy.

The crowd took that joke off.

Jamie Kennedy

is my answer.

It's the only answer.

It's obviously.

Because it doesn't mean

I did characters.

That could be Lewis going early.

Jamie, characters are impressions.

It's impressions.

It's the same.

Nice.

Fuck.

I've been with Jamie this whole time.

Jamie, tell me.

Dude, you've been fucking profiling me.

All right.

This is a little bit.

You blame her a lot because she has pointed the finger your way a lot of times.

It's got to pay off at some point.

It does.

It's a numbers game.

Wait, why are you deflecting so hard, Big J?

I don't know, because you have to write every name in bubble letters, and it takes you 10 minutes.

So

I'm vamping so you can do your calligraphy.

So you keep on picking your nose and writing bubble letters.

We're all seeing it.

You're allergic to something.

You're having a real issue.

Oh, my God.

You've been holding a sneeze for the last three stories.

I'm not really sure how to spell JB after all this time.

Yeah, E.

You spelled it wrong.

You've only spelled it every time.

Did you spell that?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, that's wrong.

And then

Jay started spelling it the way that Craig spelled it.

Then I watched it happen.

I was like, you guys are idiots.

And I spelled it right.

That all just happened in my head just now.

Now he makes me Mexican.

I'm not Jaime.

Jesus Christ, bro.

I did Jaime.

See?

I did watch it happen.

Lewis.

Lewis.

There's multiple ways to spell it.

I'm sorry, man.

Go run your grandmother's car into a BFA.

It was a home savings of America.

Fucking tiny.

Thank you, Lewis.

Gee, this is really too much.

Dude, I put Jamie, but I feel like it's Lewis.

I wish it was.

You can switch.

Oh, is the I did impression of a powerful celebrity.

Is it because does that take big balls or does the celebrity have huge balls?

Oh, fuck.

You're right.

It was Craig the whole goddamn time.

Alex.

Story number seven seven belongs to

Jimmy Kennedy

once you put the word impression

you're used to doing shows with other celebrities

we're all God's creatures

okay let's see if this you guys will go with this okay so Coming out from Philly, I worked at a Red Lobster and I had nothing going on.

Came out when I I was 19, long story.

Got transferred and recommended to a Red Lobster.

The one on Ventura Boulevard is no longer there.

This is late 80s.

I was a host, and every day

different people would come in.

And one Sunday,

Arsenio Hall comes in.

Okay?

You guys should fucking know that.

And it was the height.

This was 89, okay?

So he would come in and, you know, I would get to seat him.

So I would just seat him and put him in the booth couple, two, three times.

But I was from Philly

and I really thought I had the keys to make it.

So I wanted to impress him.

So he remember how he would be, he would start the show and he'd be, I mean, hope he likes this, but he'd be like, and now

for me.

Give it up.

Remember that?

I think that's coming to America.

Yeah.

It bled over to the show.

So he did it with like music acts and actresses and stuff.

So I'm at Red Lobster.

I'm 19.

He would come in.

He always had a beautiful woman.

And they would take different beautiful women to Red Lobster.

Yeah.

I know.

I was like, whoa, but you know, yo, give it up.

Dude, it's a fisherman's platter.

Bro.

Dude, this is why they had bottomless shrimp, bro.

Bottomless shrimp and no fucking cheddar bays.

So

it wasn't him.

What do you mean if it wasn't him?

Red lobster at the hype?

Cheese biscuits.

Are you telling my story?

Come on.

Are you doubting that it was Arsinio?

Yeah, I'm profiling you right now.

So long story boring is

I was walking him to his table and I thought, I said, Arsinio, you're always so hype when you bring people out.

I go, do you do that with like important figures?

And he's like, what do you mean?

And I said, like, what if you were like, in now

for a man who's saving souls all over the world,

give it up for the man in the funny little hat, Bishop Desmond 2, 2.

That's pretty much his reaction, but less.

It was, he was like,

No, I wouldn't do that.

And then he went to the booth.

This was...

He didn't even give you like a friendly chuckle.

No, no, he went right to the booth and I haven't told him that story and I've been on a few shows with him.

So I would still like to be booked with him, but I didn't even do stand-up yet.

I was just doing background, so I had no idea.

And you already had an impression plan for him.

Well, I thought this is gonna, he's gonna love this, dude.

This guy's doing me.

We're at Red Lobster.

He's gonna invite me to sit in the booth.

We're doing this.

This is a bald story, for sure.

Yeah.

What type of asshole would do an an impression of somebody right to their face?

You're not a powerful fucking celebrity.

I'm powerful.

You heard Catherine before she said I was powerful.

She called you mighty.

She did.

Where are our points at, Alex?

All right, in the last place with eight points,

Jamie Kennedy.

No points.

In fourth place with 11 points, Big Jay Ogerson.

And tied for the lead with 12 points each, Luis J.

Gomez, Craig Conan, and Catherine Blanford.

Thank you.

Truly anybody's game still.

Down to the wire, anybody's game.

Final story, Alex, story number eight.

Story number eight.

I threw firecrackers at police officers on horses on the 4th of July.

Allegedly.

Craig, you picked your most famous stories.

I didn't read the text.

I'm sorry.

I sent like nine stories.

Two of them were about my ball sack, and they chose neither of them.

Have your performance.

That was crazy, the whole story.

We're going to have

a three-way tie for first place.

It's fine.

Can we get another one?

But that means

we have to go into an overtime.

Let's go through it.

Let's go through the motions first.

Oh, I guess we'll go through the motions.

Here we go.

All right, we all vote.

Thanks, Craig.

Wait, does he do you lose a point?

Do me a favor, make this dramatic, please.

Alex, all the answers are in.

This story belongs to

drum roll, please.

Craig Conan!

I'm sorry I didn't read the text, guys.

There was some obscure ball sack stories in there, though.

I just was like, I got juicy stories.

So which one you want?

I sent them like nine of them.

Yeah.

And they chose my claim to fame.

This is my first viral video.

It's a true story.

I was smuggling fireworks from out of state and selling them.

because I didn't really have a job.

And

and then it was 4th of July and I was Hermosa Beach I'm walking on the strand with my sister and her homegirls and I light a pack of firecrackers and I threw them down and I failed to notice a posse of sheriffs on horses in front of me and then they yeah they went

you know what I mean

and I ran and they got me

I have four charges.

Possession of explosive vices, detonation of explosive devices, assault on a police officer, and assault on a horse officer.

Assault on a horse officer?

Yeah.

It's called a horse officer?

That's what I said.

My whole punchline is: who made him a cop?

You know?

Dude, I'm not even kidding.

The fine on the horse was more expensive than the police human officer.

And then PETA, because those animals,

they sent me death threats all through horses, like Mongolian death, roll them in carpet, stomp them in horses, drag them by horses, everything.

And it just, it's in my mind.

It's all horse threats.

feelings.

But it's horse.

We drawn in court.

We made three local newspapers and my mom cry.

And

there's more.

There's so much more.

Yeah, but

I did it.

And

it feels weird because, like, I tell this story on stage, but yeah, it helped get me sobering off cocaine and alcohol and in the stand-up.

And

yeah, I'll be back.

No, uh,

yeah, I didn't, I didn't even see him,

but it, yeah,

that's fucking wild.

All right, hell yeah, dude.

Alex, give us our final scores right now.

We're gonna have to be going to overtime.

I think we already know that, but where are we at?

All right, tied for fourth place with 12 points each: Craig Konant and Jamie Kennedy

in third place

with 15 points, Big J.

Okerson.

And tied for the lead with 16 points each, Louis J.

Gomez and Catherine Blanford.

Neither one of us reads.

Wow, Catherine.

I can't believe this.

Wow, we're so connected right now.

This is wild.

This is terrifying.

Do you read?

What did you say?

Do you read?

Can I read or do I read?

The answer is no to both.

Yes, I both.

Kidding late.

So we're going to go into overtime right now.

Overtime, it's a little bit different.

It's just going to be me versus you, Catherine.

What they're going to do is they're going to pull up one story.

It's going to be one of these three people.

It's not going to be either one of our stories.

All right.

What we're going to do right now is like Jeopardy Rules.

You're going to wager an amount of your points.

Wow.

Right?

You're going to write write on the back, it's going to be a secret.

You're not going to tell me.

You're not going to tell anybody else.

That'll be revealed at the end.

So you write that on the back of your board.

Okay.

The amount of points.

And then they're going to give the last story.

So, Alex, you can pull up your final story.

The general jeopardy subject is balls.

Bing.

All right, our final story.

I dropped a bag of cement on my left testicle, causing it to swell up and get a hematoma.

And it's not Catherine or Lewis.

Say it again, I dropped a bag of cement on my left testicle.

And it caused it to swell up and get a hematoma.

Gentlemen, can I feel all of your balls real quick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Real quick?

You remember my.

I'll put it on your shoulder.

Kiss, kiss.

You know, I don't have a left nut, by the way.

Mine are front and back.

That's true.

Well, you got a twist.

So you got lips.

Mine go north-south.

Left, right.

You got ball lips.

I feel like.

I think I know who I want.

My answer to me.

I just.

Don't look at me.

I've never worked a hard day in my life.

He couldn't be bothered with concrete around his testicles.

Yeah, I don't think that Jamie's lifting concrete bags.

Craig, pick that up.

I think Big Jay, Big Jay also not really working hard manual labor.

Literally worked with concrete specifically.

Yeah, and I feel like you would know that word.

I don't know if Craig would say that big of a word.

Debutante.

No, he's good.

Checks out.

A hematoma in your ball.

Is that even possible?

Yeah.

What's a hematoma?

It's like where you know when you get like a bruise and it blows up like a fucking.

Oh, I thought that meant girlfriend in your world.

I got a hematoma.

By the way, I saw it.

Wait, so what is it?

It's a big.

It's like

you get blue balls, balls, but purple.

You don't want it.

Yeah, for your nuts, we're definitely how they blow up.

Is it blood?

Is it a

blood balls?

Blood balls.

Yeah, it's just a tip.

Catherine, it's blood balls.

Blood balls.

Here you can get picture.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I didn't know people were calling me a bag of cement now.

I don't know how.

I don't know how you can drop a bag of cement, a full bag of cement, and have it just hit your left nut.

The accuracy of that shot is Tom Brady-esque.

My final vote is for Craig.

Wait, hold on.

Did you put your

wager?

All 16 points.

You already told it.

It's okay.

How are we supposed to put how many points?

We were supposed to put it on the back and reveal later on how many points you've wagered.

Well, they can't see.

They're looking at it right now.

Sorry, I have a heat motel in my.

So essentially, right now, if we're both right, right, because I'll tell you that I wagered six points.

Yeah.

If we're both right, you win.

If we're both wrong, I win.

Okay.

Beautiful.

Alex.

Yeah, I feel like that wasn't right math, huh?

Yeah.

What he said was right.

Okay.

Yeah.

Alex, who's the final story belong to?

The final story belongs to Craig Conan.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Not a woman.

Not a woman.

Get rid of the book.

Give me the fucking book.

Say it.

Does a bitch get to be headed?

Oh, well, well, well, motherfuckers.

Say it.

I haven't said it yet.

Say it.

Say it.

I've had to dig a dump this whole show.

And I'm going to go back there.

And while I'm peeing, I'm going to think about all you motherfuckers who had to rise when I said, double points, my mother.

I got to leave.

I can't stay after that.

Big round of applause for your newest story warrior, Catherine Blanford.

A big round of applause for our entire panel, the great Jamie Kennedy, Brett Cond.

It's been awesome.

Thank you guys so much, Comedy Store, for having us out here and for letting us do storys.

We'll be back again here real soon, and we'll catch you next time on Story Wars.

Good night.

Good night.

Yeah.