055. Sam Tripoli, Mayhem Miller, & Josh Potter | Women

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It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe Liss, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks, and many, many more.

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Great news, everybody. Story Wars merch store now up and functioning, everyone.
Get your goddamn merch right now. Represent the show that you love.
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Go to StoryWarsMerch.com and grab your merch today. What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45 p.m. to be a part of the show.
Don't be a piece of shit.

Just get your tickets and come. It's fun, fuckface.
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Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, Story Wars live from the comedy store in Los Angeles with the Story Warriors Big J Oakson and Lewis Jake Oman.

What's up?

What the? Oh,

Lewis goes, takes it right to the people. What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Story Wars.
Make some fucking noise in here, please.

This is it. What a week.
This is our second of three shows. We're very excited.
We love coming to L.A. The last show we did earlier tonight, fucking incredible.
First show that we did in L.A.

was my favorite Story Wars episode that we ever did. You guys are up against some pretty incredible shows.
And I'll tell you right now, your energy, it's all about your energy.

Are you guys ready for a great show tonight?

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

Wow. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

They all know it. Who's not familiar with Story Wars? Like, nobody, right?

What? Yo, boo, oomie came.

When you heard that voice, it's not like, was he an Asian guy? He went, hugo!

They just, they handle it wrong.

It's great to be here at the comedy store in Los Angeles. We have an amazing show for you.
Lewis, should we get our guests out here, please? Yeah, I think we should. I think we should.

Don't point, just say it. Oh, you want? I'll go.
All right, it's fun. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, our first competitor and panelist on Story Wars Los Angeles from the Josh Potter Show.

Clap it up for Josh Potter.

Oh boy, how are you?

One of our most requested guests on Storywork. Really? People love you, bro.
Especially, thank you. People love you.

You made my day.

Hell yeah.

Go now, point to who you want me to say.

Well, I can't tell you're on one

the top one

everybody

legendary mma fighter you know him from mtv's bully beat down

make some noise for the great jason mayhem miller

See, I can crank it all the way up. I like that.
I love it. Our next contestant.

I swear, officer.

Our next contestant has no choice but to look like a fucking lame asshole when he comes out.

There's nothing that our next guest can do to top what Jason Mayhem Miller just put down.

Dude, if he just comes out and fucking dies into the audience,

hurts somebody. He's got to pull his dick out.
He's got to pull out a revolver, shoot this guy in the head.

Fucking shoot. He'd fucking lick a few off in the belly room.

Go ahead, Lewis.

Our final competitor, I mean, I would say family at this point for the Legion of Skanks Universe and the Story Wars universe. You know him from his incredible podcast, the Tinfoil Hat Podcast.

Clap it up for Sam Tripoli.

The Legend.

The Legend.

I don't even know what was happening.

I didn't even know what was happening. What just happened? I was like, am I going to have to rape somebody to beat this?

It would have sent a message.

I'm so happy you asked me. Dude, I go, they're doing Story Wars orders here.
If they don't ask me, I'm going to cry so hard. I'm going to be so upset.
Sam, we love you, dude. You're family.

You're literally.

You're a fucking old school OG family.

Let me kiss your ass for a little while, okay? I'm going to say something, man.

So, during the political correctness bullshit time, these guys are all on their own in New York City, battling all the fucking faggots, okay?

And they stayed with it, and now everybody goes to New York for when when their specials come out to kiss the ring because Legion of Skanks keeps it fucking real, right?

We beat the faggots.

Take that, faggots. Got three to five for that.

Legion of Skanks won, faggots zero.

We love you, Sam. We're happy you're here.

I guess we'll explain the rules of the show for some people that don't know.

Story Wars is a very simple game. Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted, come on, have submitted, get to it, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject, women.

That's right, pitches. Let's go.

Can you believe they still ask me? I like them too.

I am not gay. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read eight of these stories.
There's eight rounds, one at a time, in no particular order. It's going to come up on the screen.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to fool everybody that it is not your story.
So we got to buzz in and say it's our story? Nope. Nope.

I think I got it. I think I got it.

It's like, see what you spin the wheel, then you.

Now, which one one of them I'm going to wrestle?

Josh Potter. All right, perfect.

Everybody on the panel including Lewis and I I'm gonna start over. Okay,

I Don't know if he really doesn't understand or not. It's

don't get flustered

No, no, I got it you guess the guy's story right and then you tell him yours

You guys swap stories, you do impressions of each other. Yeah, we swap them back and forth and then everybody has a good time.
Everything's just made up. Oh, okay, okay.

I fuck with you. I watch the show.
Ah, big fan, big fan.

If it is your story,

it is your job to fool everybody that is not your story. If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.
And for every person you fool, you get one point.

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. The way you vote is you put the name of the person you're voting for right on the dry erase board.

Once you put the dry erase board in the slot right here, remove your hand. That is it.
That's your final answer. You cannot change it.
And I'll tell you right now,

we hide it at all?

No, you don't hide it. You put it right in the slot.
You're good. And I'll tell you right now.
This is caricatures.

You could draw it. Yes, you can draw first.
I will try. You got to do it quickly.

You got to do it quickly, Jason.

I'm going to say, do it well before quickly. I'd like to see a good character.

Fine, quality before speed.

All right, so it's win, lose, or draw. Ooh, I liked it.
Ish. Sorry, it's a young crowd out there.
That was from the 80s.

So I'll say everyone here is new. Nobody's been on Story Wars before.
You're all

virgins.

And I'll tell you right now. I've never felt so safe and endangered.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm in danger to myself and over here.

This is a very fun game, and you guys are going to have a ton of fun. The three of you guys are going to have more fun than you've ever had in any other podcast.

But we're not playing for fun, are we, Jason? No, not just fun.

Everybody who plays Story Wars is playing for a book from the Story Wars library. And a brand new car.

Yeah!

Today's book,

Like a Mother, a Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy.

Lewis wrote that or you? No, no, no. Like a Mother is Angela Garb's book about what actually happens to the body during pregnancy.
She started writing it while pregnant herself

after realizing how many basic things like what the placenta does or why she was suddenly so tired weren't being explained.

So she went looking for answers and turned what she learned into something honest, clear, and surprisingly easy to listen to. Wow.

The stakes have never been higher. I hope they hire you for the audiobook.

May I ask, do you offer the audiobook?

No, no, it's always a tactile copy. It's a tactile copy.

All right.

Sam is in pure danger over on that side of the table.

Mayhem's a loose cannon, and Josh Potter drove me one time in Buffalo for two miles,

and I didn't know he was fully blind.

Jay knew me when I drove a car.

And then at one point, when he turned a corner, a black woman, and I swear to God this is true, had to dive onto her hood to avoid being hit by Josh Potter. Well, if it's at night, he can't see them.

Yeah, she had optical camouflage.

You know what? Point made, I take it back. He's fine.

It was at night, Jay.

It was definitely at night, and she was

black.

Story checks out. Alex.

I think we're ready for war. Are we ready for war?

And with no further ado, Alex,

story number one.

Story number one.

The first woman who approached me after a long relationship gave me her number. That night, I left her four messages.
I never heard from her again.

This is a hard one. This could be Josh and Mayhem for complete opposite reasons.

Stalker versus lonely right now. Temporary restraint in order never stopped nobody.

No.

You're allowed to get as many messages as you want. You know what I mean? If it was Lewis, he would have broken her house already.

Yeah. You dumb bitch, give me your address.

After four messages, the fourth one is, I'm standing above you right now.

So you sleep to your side, huh?

Now,

this is behavior I don't expect.

That's the whole story? Bro, this guy's a red heron.

I don't know if I'm misusing that phrase, okay? I just read it in the book. Hey.

All right, but he's red herring in us, okay? And

he's the one that did that. 100%,

20,000%, I think. Well, you're supposed to write it down.
That four messages, so specific.

It's a cryptic number, bro. I think that you are into conspiracies, and you know that four messages unlocks the pussy vibe or shuts you all the way down.

You know.

I will not argue with science. Now.

Science!

We're going to find that Jason is a secret genius who can read people like no one else.

His energy alone makes me want to say it's Sam.

You guys think I got autism? Yeah. You guys think I got autism? I think it's called autism.
You guys think I got autism? He's got to do it too. You guys think I got autism? You guys think I got.

More like bath salts. J-K-L-O-L.

Wait, so who are we guessing is you, you motherfucker.

You just get a whole soliloquy about that. It's Sam.
I changed my mind. Look at his face.
Sketchy as fuck. Four text messages in three seconds.

I'm going to tell you right now, you're going to guess me and you're going to be wrong. I know this reads me completely.
Are you the guy that hasn't had sex yet? Who? Are you talking about me, Sam?

Yeah.

Are you out of your fucking mind, Sam? I mean, I thought you wanted to show you.

No, I didn't have to. It's hung in a girl's vagina.
There's a difference. Sometimes you put it inside of them and you don't come.

I've...

Edging. I heard of it.
Edging.

I'll say I busted out some tantric moves myself. I'll tell you this.
I've been to therapy since then and we've remedied the situation. Nice.
Right. Congratulations.

Dude, you're like sting. So how about you suck my dick, Sam, and I'll come in your mouth.
How about that?

Well, thunder. No, I just, I knew this was going to be the trope of me, and I'm telling you right now, I wouldn't put this obvious of a story in the fucking queue like this.

This is funny because it's going to be someone. Oh, it's like lol.
It's Jason because it's like he could fuck a bunch of girls or whatever, and whether they want to or whatever. But like, this is.

Or boys.

Or boys. Or boys.
Or boys. Or boys.
Not discounting. Since 2025.
This has Mayhem Miller when he was young, like 10 years old, kind of energy right now.

Oh, I'm going to go. I just realized that Mayhem laughs like an overdub in an Asian movie.

You think you can defeat me?

Come on, Bruce. Let you try my Wu-Tang style.
So,

some of you want to play Story Wars.

Take the story from my hand.

I also have a feeling that you guys have told so many stories that you're running out of stories.

This sounds like I could just make up a story story.

Like, you're just make up a story? Of course,

we never make up a story.

Big and deep. Oh, shit.
We would never make up a story. And no, I mean, we haven't had a...
The game has integrity. We've already built in fail-safes if we run into stories.

Wait, you've never repeated a story on this show? No.

Also, it doesn't say text messages. It says messages.
So this could be Big Jay when he was like 11, leaving voicemail. No, no.
Hey, no, it could be Sam Trump. Whatever they are on that.

Setting carrier pigeons over there.

When I was 11, after a long relationship?

I say, eight to nine is tough.

I mean, by the way, a long relationship could be anything. Someone's been to prison, okay? So it's fair.
It's fair. All right.
Hey, I got that wiped off my record.

I'm going to go Potter. Oh, shit.
We're doing this now? All right. I'm ready.

I'm thinking it's Potter. I think he had a great story about.

I wish I got points for you being fucking wrong. That's what I wish right now.

I think Potter's playing the game, and I think he's playing it well.

I don't know how it happened, but I just watched

Mayhem

write.

He wrote left-handed with his right hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't need a house to describe it.

It's crazy looking.

I didn't know I was going to get this reaction or in the third grade I would have practiced for.

Thank God we all have short names. Everybody was like,

it was lettering and they're not laughing up words, Bubba.

He wrote like a weird person eats cereal.

He wrote like a stroke.

Hold on, I can't see everyone's votes. Sounds like someone got the COVID shot, huh? Oh shit.
What's everybody's handwriting? I think I'm a fan of the camera.

I'm not sure if I can get him to handwriting right there.

Mayhem's handwriting is newspaper clippings like a cereal toilet.

It's all ransom notes. He writes in ransom font.

Mayhem. He writes in ransom fun.

Every letter is a different font.

It's part of my brand identity. It's Helvecta, Swirl.

It's Comic Sands, you want to fucker.

Ariel font.

Times New Roman. It is not.
Time's new Roman. Sam, who'd you vote for him? Potter.
All right.

You want me to turn it this way so you can see it? Yeah.

Yeah, I want to see who's winning the game now. Potter? Everyone say Potter.
No, you said me. Yeah, goddamn me.
He said big gay J. That's what he said.

Alex, I didn't write gay Alex. Alex, everyone's answering.
Why don't you go tell them who's winning the game? Story number one belongs to Big Jay Open Senate. Oh,

Bay

Potter.

Nice job. Damn.

Okay.

This game has gotten a lot more complex.

Jason, what is this story?

How haven't I heard of this?

You probably have. You probably haven't.

Who brags about that? That's pretty badass. Dude, it was a witness.
It was one time the chick didn't call me back. No, not even calling me back.

Sam thought it was Brag Wars. He's over here writing Brag Wars.
I broke up my long-term girlfriend that was with me since before I started doing comedy. And then

still a young comic, though. We broke up.
And then I was at the comic strip one night in New York. And after the show, like a girl, she looked like a young Leah Remini.
She was so pretty.

And she came over and started like chatting me up which by the way she was saying like she was flirting with me but it was things that were hurtful but it I just took it because

she was like she goes I'm very attracted to you she goes but like my dream guy is like John Goodman

you went into this ate a jar of peanut butter you're like Timo Goodman

So I was like, all right, and then she came in over. She goes, call me sometime.
And I remember I had to drive back to Philly that night, back home.

And Kevin Hart said to me in the car, I was telling him, I was like, I was excited. I was like, yo, this girl is so beautiful.
And she gave me her number.

He goes, yeah, man, just like, don't call for a couple days.

And I was like, why? He goes, just don't look so hungry for it. Just like, chill, like, call her in a couple days or text her in a couple.
I think text wasn't even much of a thing at that point.

He's like, call her in a couple days or something. And I was like, yeah.
Yeah, I'll play it cool.

And then I went home and immediately called, and no answer. So I left a message.
and I was like,

I was like, I was like, hey, it was great meeting you tonight. I just wanted to say, hey, and I'm going to be back at the comic strip like

Thursday if you want to come

hang out again or bullshit or whatever.

And then I was like, I hung up, and then I was like, ooh, wait.

I'm there on Friday.

Or something like, you know, I called back and I was like, actually, it was, it was like, you ever see the movie Swingers? I've watched it. I saw the movie Swingers after this happened.

I was going to say when I told the story, someone goes, dude, this is like swinging. And I watched that.
I was like, holy shit, dude, identical. I called two more times.

Three times I called her back after that first time to go, like, shit. I'm actually there on the late show, not the early show.

But I can put you and whoever you want on the guest list.

Jon Favreau would never pull that bullshit.

I never heard from her again. Seriously, figure out first night.

11 during this. No, no, no.
I was. was uh, I got it half right, and she was Lisa Lampinelli, and she

that young woman was the queen of mean, the female Don Rickles, Lisa Lampinelli, life coach, Lisa Lampinelli. You center off of men, bless your heart, Alex.

One story down, where are points at? All right, on the scoreboard in second place with two points, Josh Potter.

Oh, what a beast.

Hey, can I can I change my answer real quick?

And in the lead with three points, Big Jay Okerson. There he is, folks.
There he is, folks. Big Jay Okerson.

The crowd roots for me every week. Is that Big Jay?

Allegedly.

You know what I mean? That's like who you're looking for, you know what I mean? In the local area. If that's who you're looking for, I'm definitely getting questioned.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. I thought it was me at first.
I was like, did you not hear the answer?

Look, man, it's work in progress. All right.
All right.

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Nicotine is an addictive chemical. All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two:

I was robbed by two women while I banged their friend.

Well,

this got a Lewis flavor to it. It's got a little Puerto Rican spice on it.

I think so. Right? Or you're being oddly quiet.
Oh, man, now I know how this game is playing. Puerto Rican.
I know this one sounds like me again, probably, but

I thought this was mayhem all day long, but as soon as he said Lewis, I was like, right. It really, yeah.

Right, it's Lewis. Who doesn't have some version of this story?

Touche, motherfucker.

Yeah, I wish I had a version of this story. No doubt.
Some version. Sure.
Yeah.

Yes. Do I get points? We've been friends for 15 years.
There's no O in my name, you dick.

You're like family that doesn't know how to spell names. I literally can't.
I still flunk for a while.

I give a goddamn brave heart speech about how he's like my brother when I brought him up on stage.

Is that better? That is better. I wish I had a version of this story.
I've never had that many women in a room at one time.

And to get robbed, you have money, too? I mean, good God.

What is this? Paradise?

Hold on, come on.

This could be a young Sam Shirley. Mayhem.

Could be mayhem.

Could be fucked with y'all, huh? My initial instincts was mayhem because.

Sound like I do hang out with the

man.

But you were

a star.

You go over to Japan. Big in Japan.

Huge in Japan.

That's a good.

People are going to touch me on the subway to see if I'm real.

And that is a place where I think,

dare I say, no pun intended, a triad, a triad of women. Sim, Sim.
I take my finger off.

No.

You can't change it. Oh, you can.

I'm not going to change it. Oh, he already put it in the middle.
I'm changing my name to Louis J. Mayhem Miller.

That would be awesome if he legally did that.

No, Jay was like a fucking a few good men right there, and he just persuaded me. Mayhem, it could be Mayhem.
You can't handle the truth. Exactly.
It could be Mayhem if it was trans.

If it was trans, it could be mayhem.

This just seems like

three chicks with dicks robbed me.

Well, it's technically just two.

I feel you keep coming up out of like some kind of weird like satin sheets and going like what's that noise in the other room and she goes lay back down everything fine

and you're like yeah she goes yeah everything good lady boys she's rifling you go I just have like I have some pretty expensive luggage out there you go everything could they good they good that was definitely so big look how big

those lady boys will get you

and dude that was definitely not a happy ending to this story for sure. I know.

Big J, why am I getting a U-vibe? Really? Yeah.

Have you ever heard of that? What would be probably the number one story in my life ever? Did you not hear the last story?

Yeah, no, this didn't happen.

No, I mean, no.

It could be too much. Could you imagine the voice messages he's leaving on these phones? I mean, holy shit, this is...
That's three girls. That's fucking

12 messages he's got to leave right there.

if it's not Lewis, it's mayhem.

Mayhem. It could be Lewis.
It could be Lewis. Like, Lewis could be, you know, triple E worry storytelling.

Me and my wife have had friends who we've robbed chicks. We've done this to women.

But I'm on the other end of the room. You and your gigolo squad? I'm on a sucker.
Who was this? Steve Green,

your chubby guitar-playing friend?

Mayhem's drawing somebody with a giant nose, but there's, oh, there's one Jew on the panel. That's it.
Hey. That didn't go over well.

boo Palestine

well taking political stances now boo

Israel did everything right I think

this episode gets five times the views on YouTube

Jay swears allegiance to you to Israel okay Israel are they from the river to the sea or is that against Israel

from the river to the sea or not that if that's not the Jewish thing One of the two. So which one's positive over here?

What crowd am I talking to?

This seems like a young Jay on the road, banging a hooker on the road.

One of the...

What do you do? Immediately?

That's a very Jay-defensive move. Put my name.
It's not me, so I'm not worried about it. If this is Jay, after that last story,

can we put some context into the... I guess you've lived a long life.
I mean, you've been through. I've fucked dangerous women who are capable of robbery.
They're the best in bed.

The trick that I'd always do is lift up the TV, right? Put your wallet underneath it, and then put it back down.

You've never fucked a Puerto Rican woman. They can carry a TV.
Go find your wallet.

I had one that hooped my wallet. Oh, my God.

I've seen a Puerto Rican woman put an OLED 70-inch in her back. That's bullshit.

I think you're.

Apparently, Cheechin Chong is here. Look how good that is.

I'm a prop comic, yo. He's a black comic.
Sam Tripoli is not a bullshit. I feel like I'm at Atlantic City over here watching this guy, but he's painting everything.

Tip your waitress. By the way, somebody just cleaned up because you guys are fucking fools.
And the three of you voted for me. So, just so you know, idiots.
Can we all do caricatures? Not you, man.

You're a genius, but you two are idiots.

I voted for Jason. No, I know.
Can we all draw a picture of Jason? I'm not blind. Oh, okay.

Josh thinks everyone's blind? Yeah, I just, hey.

Over here, Josh, is meeting your friend Jay from Ford.

We all live in our own reality.

You need to give him some of that shit for his Glock Homer.

I have no idea who Lewis voted for. What if all Josh's answers he has to write down while he touches the person's face to be like,

braille

i'm just gonna draw

the next one

you gotta hold the table and feel the vibration

alex oh

you're looking smug as fuck man you're telling me you drop like tricked us right now no no no i didn't trick you i think that somebody

tricked my fucking self then no maybe i feel like all the women who voted to go to the forest with a bear instead of a man right have you ever seen that shit that's how i feel right now

i made a bad decision that's a great difference

alex all of our stories are in answers are in sorry story number two belongs to

sam tripoli

yo that was pretty masterful i will admit and take my drawing back yeah you got me that's right

goddamn low when you put it down i you're right basically uh i was at uh i think it was over here at the saddle Ranch and these three

houses. Local rubber.

Oh, you come for the chopped meat, but you stay for the mechanical bolt. Yeah, you stay for the syphilis.
That's what you stay for.

And I go over there, and these three hairdressers were hanging out, and I'm like, let's go back to my place. And I'm like, let's do it.
I'm like, I might bang three chicks, dude.

So we go back, and one's really hooking and wanting to hook up.

So we go in my room, and I leave the other two in the other room, and they just started stealing video games, cash, and money, which is really weird, because if they would have all fooled around with me, I would have just gave them that shit.

You know what I'm saying?

A little thank you package for the story, dude.

Is this Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six?

Yeah, babe, take it.

I don't even give a shit about that, dude. I get pussied by the threes.

Take whatever you want. Hey, just wait outside of GameStop for some hoes with some battle toads.

Oh, yeah, dude.

You need to find an Asian girl with a custom fucking controller.

Hey, what else?

Did you catch them before they left?

No, they left with it. They grabbed her real quick.
I'm like, why are you guys running so fast? Trying to put my pants up. I'm like, what's going on? Thank you for the sex buy.

At least she had sex with me, and that kind of makes it easier. But after, I was like, looking around, I'm like, oh, fuck, my video games are gone.
My cash, TV's gone.

You have good self-esteem because I would actually be thinking, all I would be thinking about all night is that when those girls go, this is their plan, they're going to rob a guy, and they go, who has to fuck them?

Hey, Fatso, why don't we go in your room?

Be quick. Be quick.

I don't know if this is like a spoiler for future stories. That might be for me, but I can't imagine sex being loud enough to not hear HDMI cords being

and like I draw a pammer, dog. I drop hammer.
Are you friends out there in the hardware? Are you fussing around with my one connect box?

His entertainment console got post-nut clarity.

Are you guys filling it out? They cleared it out. Are you guys filling with the entertainment system over there?

I would have played duck hunt.

Hey, you guys got my Chrome. You guys pull my Chromecast out?

I'm hearing a hum.

Fuck. All right, Alex.

Where's our points?

Yeah, running. All right, Tide with two points each, Louis J.
Gomez and Josh Potter.

And Tide for the lead with three points each: Big J Okerson and Sam Tripoli.

Alex, first time I'm already dominating.

It's that easy.

Story number two.

Story number three

When I was 22, I hooked up with a 41-year-old woman. The next day, her 10-year-old son asked me if I was his new big brother.

This sounds like me, Lewis,

Mayhem.

I wish I had this story. Yeah, I kind of tried to delightful.

It's a broad spectrum up here. You know what I'm saying? Anybody could have done this.
This has to be Josh Potter. He's the only one up here who looks most like a 10-year-old.

I have a white beard, and somehow I look like a 10-year-old. That is insane.
But at some point,

you're a toddler. You don't know a 10-year-old who's had to deal with a long-term poltergeist.

You've already lost your family on the other side. He's been through some shit.
I get how, again, this reads me completely.

I would vote for me if I was one of you, but I'm telling you, like,

I'm not fucking a 41-year-old when I was 22. How do you? Oh, what? You're so great?

No.

It was the opposite of that. How would I riz up a 41-year-old at 22?

Were you a virgin late into your life? Oh, yeah. When did you lose your virginity? Actually, it is 22, but that is not my...

That's not a virginity. How old was the word? Because your mom's friend Carol fucked you in front of her son?

The girl I lost my virginity to was 26, so she was older, but not that old. That's like, seems like, I don't even know how I would meet a 41-year-old.

It's really easy. You just go to Chuck E.
Cheese, and then

by the way, I don't even know how to do that, and I'm almost 41 now. You go to a grocery store.

Yeah. I mean, they're not hard to find.

A park with pretty much any sidewalk in a city.

Where are humans?

Everywhere, Josh. I know you're blind, but we're in a room, a sea full of people.

That's kind of a sad term.

I don't like this feeling that I'm having. Yeah, I know.
It bums me out, too. Yeah, what's the matter, man? Jason's going to start beating you up because he said.

Feelings.

Angry. I don't like this.
I don't know what we're coming to. Therapy.
Empathy.

Make mayhem.

Confused. Yeah.

Why?

Not supposed to feel feelings. You push that shit down and forget about it.

I got to hang out with this guy more. Take it out on the enemy.
Raped. Right, no.
You just got to join my alpha course. Yeah.

$600 a month. Hey.

I'm making up for lost time over here. Interest.
Man, yo, man.

Am I going to blow it again, man? Jesus Christ, I just gave up on this game already.

Louis Jay, if it's not you, I don't know what to do. Jason, man, you know what?

I agree. I agree.

This is my fucking vote.

May and Miller. Although, I see what Josh is doing over there.
That's not a bad guess. That's a sleeper.
He hasn't talked the whole time.

I kind of fucked it up last time. Yeah, you.

I've said some stuff.

No, I meant this round. This, like, you're letting me over here.
here.

I'm going to rebound my virginity.

Yeah, it's a redo, yeah, because last time it wasn't Jay Gomez. This time, it's definitely Jay Gomez.
Yeah. Why did you make his face wider? That's all he did.
That's all the adjustments he made.

Man, don't make it a racial issue. It's just this facial tissue.

Dude, I love he's strong. You like Titanic.

I was going to say, this looks like a strong.

I'm going to pay you like my friends for it. If mayhem ever witnesses you get murdered and tries to give a description, I will avenge you,

Lewis. Your beauty really does translate to the page.

Dare I say,

Alex, all of our answers are in round number three. Whose story was it?

Holy shit, everybody. Holy shit.
Story number three belongs to

Josh Potter.

Whoa!

He told us!

He told us!

Holy shit! Holy

shit! You charismatic son of a bitch. You dog.

Not only will you get the cat boots. I fucked that old lady, I'll tell you.

I can't believe her son was there. It was crazy.

Are you my new big? Not even are you my big girl? I'm about to go to dadnight. And it's like, well, you play, and I was playing video games with him and stuff.
And what am I going to do? I'm there.

He's asking me. You should have stole all the video games and left.

He said,

learn something.

If only I could inception. What did you say? He goes, are you my new big brother? And you were like, well, let me ask you this.

I laugh. Would your new big brother be fucking your mother?

Because if so, sure.

I laughed very hard and I turned to the mother and she laughed and then he went to school and then we had sex again. Oh,

bed. Yeah.

Oh, she was a mess.

Oh, what was her name? I'm guessing like a Dorothy or a Darlene. No, it was an old name, though.
Peggy? I'm not going to say it. Agatha.

Was she blind, too?

Well, you might have a nin on that shit.

They met at a cane store.

No, she was just sad.

You guys met at a park cutting slits in your tennis balls so you can put them on the bottom of your walking things?

Oh, hey, you cut a little plus sign into yours too? Yeah, I know. It kind of grips better.

A lot of people don't know that. Oh, fuck.
And also, the best ones to use are pen eight. Yeah, we said at the same time.

Alex, three stories down. Where are our points at? All right, on the scoreboard in fourth place with two points.
Louis J. Gomez.
Come on. You're in the game, dude.
No, you're here.

No, dude, you're here. Oh, I like that.
Oh, that was cool. I've never been here live.

Tied for second place. Best crowds.

Tied for second place with three points each. Big Jay Okerson and Sam Tripoli.

Respect.

Her name was Mary.

He was the little lamb.

Old as hell name.

And in the lead with six points, Josh Potter.

Stunning.

Stunning.

Pretty badass. Thank you.
All right, let's take a quick moment and thank you. Kratom for being a longtime supporter of all the shows here at Gas Digital, all things comedy.

I'll tell you right now, they support Skank Best. Not all things comedy.
Gas Digital. No, no, no, no.
Gas Digital, All Things Comedy, SiriusXM,

Riot Cast Network.

Yo, mom's house. Yo, mom's house, stand-up New York Labs.

Things that don't exist anymore.

These guys,

everybody.

No, they're great. They've been supporting us at everything we do at SkankFest for a long time.
Genuine comedy fans. We love these guys and they support us in everything that we do.

So, really, what we're saying is if you're in the market for Kratom, you should get it from yokratom.com, who has just incredible quality Kratom. The absolute best price on the internet at $60 a kilo.

And yeah, you should just support that company because they are great. Fuck yeah, yo, Kratom, home of the $60 kilo.
Suck it.

All right, where were we? Three stories down, Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

A woman once went to the police and told them I assaulted her.

I should not be admitting this on this show.

I'll tell you what really sucks here is that everybody, including the two of them in this room, know it's mayhem or Lewis.

i mean i'll tell you right now i would not admit this on this show

as your lawyer i say do not admit this

i'll tell you right now uh

it's a pretty big show i wouldn't be going around admitting this little show

you might

You psycho.

Whoever story this is, we are not going to delete this story from the episode. There's no way to do it.
Oh, that's happened. That's happened.
That's happened. We won't delete it.

We won't do it. We'll put it on the show.
Come on. It was somebody from LA.
They almost made us delete a story from that episode, and it would have fucked up the entire episode. Yeah.
He's Chinese.

He told Joke.

We're not deleting that from the episode. What?

Yeah, I mean, look, i i mean no can i just come out in front and say i've never more confidently done anything in my life than put this on the

screen here i really

you've met lewis he's definitely capable of trusting a woman to this i know but lewis hey man i beat those motherfucking charges all right

that's not the only thing you beat

my meat for three to five. I mean, it's God.
I would love to see Mayhem on a show called Police Reports with the Z at the end, you know, like the same year.

I tell the dude, I say,

Today, a man was robbed and arrested in the comedy store today.

Take it. I'm on the Adam Corolla show.
That's my job. I love you, dude.

Well, I'm going with Lewis. I'm going with Lewis, too.
No way.

Am I insane? I just watched the way you were. Yeah.
I've been studying people's writing. Yeah.
The way you wrote Mayhem.

There was no heart in it. You were just like, I got to say something.
What if, what if, uh,

what if, uh, what if Lewis have you? Hey, that's you, dude.

Is that Lewis? That's Lewis.

That's totally you. Yeah, save those for posterity.
Mario over here beating women.

Oh, hey, what do you mean I beat you? You said you liked it, eh?

You chunked a barrel and hit her with a hammer. Also, you could have just put an L for Luigi.

There's also a Luigi.

What if this was an elaborate plan for Lewis just to tell this story to be able to write his Gotham City Mayhem logo up here right now?

Oh, did you make it a fucking anarchy song? Yeah, dude.

17-year-old me just came in his pants. Yeah, dude.
That's fucking man. You should have gotten a tattoo in your stomach just like that.

Alex, whose story was this?

This story belongs to Louis J. Gomez.
Ah!

It's about fucking time.

I knew, though. I knew.
I knew.

It got me. Fuck.

Fuck. I only got one person.
Hey, man, y'all are very good at that.

No. I didn't assault her.
Did she learn her lesson? This is a story that I. You'll know the story when I reframe it.
Did she learn that?

Reframe it.

Did she learn all the time to let you claim what she was doing?

I was walking from a spot at the, this is a long time ago, at the comedy seller to Eastville Comedy Club from the West Village to the East Village, and a cop van just rolls up on me with two cops in it and the chicks in the van.

And she's like, that's him right there. That's him.
And I'm like, I'm like, what?

They were like, good guests.

Was it Ice T and Marisha Haggerty? Oh, that'd be great for an episode of Law and Order. Oh, my God, dude.
If it was Benson and Detective Quinn, too.

Is this not going to

be old?

Dude, I was like, what? They were like, come here. She was like, yeah, so she's crying in the van.
She's hammered. She's fucking really drunk.

And they were like, they're like, yeah, she's saying that you assaulted her. And I'm like, what?

I've never seen this woman in my life.

These are their stories.

Don't go.

Any relation to a true people is strictly coincidental.

So yeah, I was just like, dude, I was like, I'm going for a, I'm a comedian. I'm going to a show.
I just came from another show.

And then the cops, these two dudes, you just saw a moment where they were just like, dude, I just fucking believe him. And they were like, just go.
And then they just like dealt with her.

They went and raped her?

This is in New York? This happens. It's in New York City.
Puerto Rican privilege. Hell yeah.
Goddamn right, dude. But I mean, literally, my life, I just watched my life.

Thank God you were in the barrio, yeah.

So anyway,

that didn't work.

I wanted more points. I know, for admitting to a crime.

No, that's not, that was all you were going to fucking say. Well, that's the thing that got me.
You see, he didn't admit to a crime. He just said a woman once went to the police and said it.

He didn't say I assaulted a woman.

He also didn't say that's where i made my mistake alex actually took out when he wrote thank god i was wearing gloves

they didn't fit they must have quit

alex where are our points at

all right in last place with two points jason mayhem miller yeah

that's a victory in it on the board on the board fuck sorry guys i'm trying to make it entertaining i'm not really thinking real clearly you're doing a good job you're drawing the pictures this is insane get out my art i'm I'm telling you, it's good.

I like it.

I misunderstood this. Please don't hurt me.
I feel like a buddy comedy flick is happening right here.

Blind and insane.

I'm down. Write the fucking first six pages.
You write the next six pages. And then this guy will write the last half.
Yeah.

Three voices coming together in one jumble fuck of comedy.

It's about time. Ba, ba, ba, ba da, ba.

Alex

in fourth place with three points Luis J. Gomez

tied for second place with five points each Big J Okerson and Sam Tripoli

and in the lead with six points Josh Potter

Sneaky son of a bitch.

Big J, may I have one of your beers? Of course,

these are everybody's beers. Oh, thank you.

All right, we are at the halfway point of the show.

Which means that we're going to do some quick plugs, and then we'll explain what happens in the second half of the game. Josh Potter, what are you plugging, my friend? Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Please go to thejoshpotter.com and see where I'm coming to perform live and watch the Josh Potter show. It's here at the comedy store.
We tape it. So check it it out.
It comes out every Wednesday.

I love you. Thank you very much.

I remember my dates. Jason Miller.
Hey, hey, so you know, I'm a mixed martial arts fighter, but I also have JapanLA.com. Yeah, I sell Hello Kitty.
What are you going to do about it?

And follow me at Mayhem Miller. Last time we had you on the bonfire in New York's because you were in town for

toy conventions.

Look, I'm a fun guy, and the profit margin's better than cocaine.

Mr. Tripoli.
I got Kansas City coming up, Chicago coming up, and then I have Tulsa, Oklahoma City, and then I'm headlining the fat man at the Comedy Mothership. So that's

in October 17th. So go check it out.

Bigjaycomedy.com for all my dates. I'm all over the place.
Big Jay Ogerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it.
Sam Triple E.

I really like that understated thing, you humble bragger. Nearly everybody.
You motherfucker. I love it, dog.
You guys are not sure. I wish I showed Peter North loads.

Hey, hey, there's an app for that.

There is. And Celery Juice, I think I heard.

Look for a city near you. I'm all over the place.
I'm coming

all over the fucking country and out. I'm doing some Canada, too.
Whoa. Yeah.

Huh?

And maybe some overseas. We'll figure it out.

Of course, listen to the Bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

Tim Pole Hat Comedy. And then, of course,

the flagship show right over here at Gas Digital, The Legion of Skanks.

And also, I did, for the first time last weekend, I did a live stream.

YouTube live stream, so I'm going to keep doing those, man. If you guys enjoy them, man.
A lot of fun just going through my algorithm and talking shit like I would be doing if nobody was watching

come see me like come see me live on the road guys I'm finishing up my tour for the year the bring five friends tour

you know what guys I'll say for the rest of the tour bring seven friends why not that'd be sick dude yo it's George I'm telling you why not come see me I'm gonna be everywhere go to Lewisofskanks.com grab tickets for all those shows because this is the end of the year this is it putting on a new special uh check out all the other podcasts that i do the regs legion of skanks obviously uh

i have a book that i just finished that is available for pre-order right now on amazon.com we'll be giving it away on story wars i'm sure at one point it's called knives and spoons it's my memoir of my childhood it's funny and fucked up and you know i think you guys will like it so uh yeah do that and subscribe to gas digital if you love the show get the uncensored ad-free version of the show it comes out on monday nights instead of thursdays when it comes out on youtube and everywhere else.

There's like 20 or 30 episodes that aren't available anywhere else.

Go to gasdigital.com, use that promo code WAR, and you save a couple of bucks a month and you support the show and just the fucking best, guys.

Best audience in comedy.

Yeah.

Now,

sure.

Mayhem, Lewis.

You guys are probably feeling pretty shitty about yourselves right now. No, I'm not.
I'm not. I mean, I know how it works.
How does this affect your championship rankings?

Do you guys like do your careers? There's no point. I'm terrible at the game.

Jay's only won five times. I've won like 20.
My self-esteem is bulletproof.

Hell yeah, Jay. Listen.

Mine is the exact opposite.

It doesn't matter. Because, Josh, as you sit atop...
the rankings and Jason, you at the very bottom.

The game is still anybody's because with these scores, it could change just very simply in one round because for the final four stories over here at story wars we go double points

thank you roots quest love black thought and the boys over in the back corner we do not pay them enough to be on camera but they are here the roots everywhere they come they show up They still show up.

They love them. He goes, guys, I don't have cash.
And Quest Love goes, bruh.

And then Black Thought does, I don't know, it's crazy. It's sweet.
Thank you guys.

Yeah.

The hot music, the hot music. Oh, sorry.
So, Jason, you're not at the point. You're not positive Tourette's, I think.

You're not even sort of out of it. I just keep saying like, yeah, we can do it.

You're not even sort of out of it because if you fooled somebody before, you got one point, and if you guessed the correct story, you got two points. But now that moves to double points.

Out of control, dude, out of control. Attention is ratcheted.

Oh my god. Buddies, game.

Alex,

lay it on us. Story number five.

Story number five.

I once got catfished by an Asian on plentyofish.com

who showed up at 260 pounds.

She was so thankful that she later dropped off a trash bag full of edibles.

I mean, this

should have had a picture of Potter next to it.

Come on, man. So hard.

Listen, again.

I mean, I get it, but

let me tell you why it's not me.

I feel like I should get points just for letting you tell you why it's not me. I mean, this,

I would never have the gull to go on plentyofish.com and think someone's going to come fuck me on it. A 260-pounder Asian would.

I don't know. What if she has high self-esteem?

Huh? What if she has high self-esteem? She's out there. She's like, I'm a sexy.

I don't know. You know what I mean? I'm not expecting anyone to want to.
I mean,

it's not a show of wealth and royalty. I'm telling you, you're going to guess me and you're going to be wrong.
And

someone's going to get away with murder here. And I wish I could figure it out.
This reads Sam Tripoli to me

only because of the website.

I would never swipe right on an Asian, so you know it's not me.

All right. Sam's USA is a cool.

Touche, you bring up good arguments. It's called Uncle Sam for a reason.

I mean, plentyofish.com is crazy. Is that even an app, or is that like a website? I wasn't going on that list.
Oh, fuck you.

Come on.

I know.

I know.

Come on.

Oh, the fucker is this.

Really? You think I'm on plentyofish.com? No, but the fact you buy it, I don't know.

Now I do because you went like this. Is that a like a dating thing? No, hold on.
There's a difference between an app and like a thing, right? There's like match.com is an orange.

There's probably an app. An app isn't thing.
Every theater. No, no, hold on.
There's Tinder that's like swiping. 100%.
Match.com is not swiping.

I bet it is at this point. Plenty of fish, bitch.
It's a hooker one. But back in the day, it wasn't, right? 260 pound Asian.
I'm right. Thank you very much.
Plenty of fish.

Hey, fuck you, bitch. Security.

Security. You fuck her.
Remove this bitch right now. I'm serious.
Do not remove her. She's right.
You remove her right now, security. She's right.

Free speech. And Lewis, she has very dramatic bangs, which means she will write a letter.
She will have this. It's not even her, Jay.
I'm talking about this one right here. Oh, no, yeah, this one.

Have her fucking booted.

A 2000. This guy goes out in the morning and catches fish for local seafood restaurants.

Some Some would say he catches plenty of fish. Yeah.

We should all put our microphones down and walked offstage together at that point. He goes, who cares who won, dude? That was the best.

I mean, you know that I'm not on plentyofish.com. That's psychotic.
Yeah, you're on blackoff.com. Oh, my date.

Oh, do it. Yeah, Lewis definitely is a fish.
Jade Date.

Lewis, you are a smooth black guy wearing a sweater. No, I'm not good on any of these apps, dude.
Any of those apps, I just swipe, I swipe, I swipe.

Nobody finds me attractive except 500-pound black women. Nothing wrong with them.
No, this is in the deep recesses of the internet.

Plenty of fish is like, oh, I didn't even know they made barrels big enough a 260-pound Asian could fit in. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's how

fucked up plenty of fish is. It's like the gutter of.

No one's doing that. Them Asians are the chicken of the sea.
Listen, you're all laughing because you think it's me, but it's not.

And you're going to be really taken off guard when I'm going to be able to do that.

Can I also say, mayhem again, a lot of time in Asia.

Also.

But that's like three Asian girls over there. I know, but as a fighter, as a fighter, you eye up people and categorize them in pounds.

You know what? I did it. I think I could definitely single-leg a bitch that big.
Oh, no, without a doubt. No, you're in no danger for sure.
What if that's...

She's out of your your weight class,

but your skill level at her best could be it's just not even a fight,

but I'd like to see it happen.

Take her to deep waters. How could it be if a girl showed up and she goes, Well, look, I'm co-I know I catfished him, but I'm still showing up with pussy, so he's gonna be excited.

And then Mayhem Miller fucking arm bars you.

You shaved your pussy for that?

You shaved your fat Asian pussy for that.

That sucks.

But it's Potter.

All that said.

Watch.

Watch. Triple E, is this you?

I like how I waited for an answer. Is he going to say yes?

Is it you? If it's you, I won't put this in.

He's feigning racism to get out of it, but it probably is him.

Lewis,

every time he alters it,

can tell you something, he's got something there.

His editing has been world-class. It's becoming more and more you

each and every time. That's become,

wow.

Wow. Get this guy a stick.
Look at the ears.

Yeah.

It's photorealism.

You have a talent.

If I had time, I would do it in pointulism.

A couple of art students. Yeah, I know.

I have no idea who's

having a real hard time.

It's not me. May I ask this? Is a large Asian more exotic? Did you just say out loud, it's not me? Yeah.

You just go, who is it? It's not me.

So it's someone else. Do you know what I'm right now? So like, I had to read out a crazy.
Is it you, fuckface? That was crazy.

That was weird.

The way you did that was weird. I haven't had edibles in a very, very, very...

They just did.

They just did.

Oh, my God. I'm deadass.

I told you not to take 100 milligrams. That's insane, dude.
But 100 milligrams is not insane for me. That's like, whatever.
Just from the guy who dropped the big bag?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

He dropped a finger.

Whoever dropped him in the back in the green room is. No, I brought him back.
He came to me outside. Who's the guy? Who's the guy? Is this guy back here? What's the company's name?

That is him, yes.

A Smokey's Edibles. Smokey's Edibles?

They are really good, sir.

Serafina!

Serafina, get me edibles!

Yeah, Serafina, give me a few packs. We'll throw them out to the crowd.
Yay!

Spread the word. Once we figure out who got catfished by this fat Asian bitch.

It's Potter, dude. I wish I sampled the Orient in this way.
See, ah, shit. Here's the problem.
I'll do it out. Potter, every time his excuse, he did the same thing on the last one.
Yeah.

It's just, he's like, he's like, yeah, right, dude. Why would I do that? That's no, like.
That's not what I said. I said, I wish I did that.
Now you're floundering. Wait, can I change it?

No, all I got to do is erase this mustache and make it white. Get it.

I promise you, this is not me, and I would love to. You said that last time.
I know. It's all the same.
And I was right.

No, it was you. Oh, okay.
I'm drunk.

Believe what you want. I wish I fucked a 260-pound Asian.
I've never seen one that Luis is making you look like a Dr. Seuss character right now.
You do look like a Dr.

Seuss character in this particularly.

And we found Waldo. Can I say something? It's a terrible drawing and not terribly accurate.
Everyone would know who you're talking about.

It's both bad and

it's bad. Bad, but bad.

And it had captured your essence. It's like the Timothy McVeigh.
Like, if the cops came in with that drawing, we'd all say it's possible. You'll go, that might be Josh Potter.

Listen, I don't know. I don't think he would do anything with accusing him of, but

ask him.

Alex

story number five belongs to

Jason Miller.

Mayhem.

Mayhem, if you're nasty. Mayhem, I got it.

I got it. I goddamn described why it was him and then just went potter.
Yeah. I got it.
Oh, how the taste is. All right, well,

the story is right there. That's what happened.

But I'll expand upon it. Please.
260 pounds to you is like nothing, I feel like. Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? 265 is the limit for heavyweight in the UFC.

So it's something. It's something.
All right, all right. No leave.
I did not know that. Let me tell you guys,

it's all strategy. Did you ask her her weight or are you just guessing? Man, look, I put in planting fish on purpose because that was a long time ago.
All right. Let me preface it.
Sure.

Different guy.

You know what I mean? Pictures weren't as, you couldn't just bust them out as great. So she had some special angles.

And, buddy, now, the first part of the con was fantastic. Dude, dude, dude.
I'll come over. I said, yeah, all right.

I said, oh, this is going. Man, as soon as I opened the door, she kept her face locked into my face so I could just look in her eyes and look at her face.

And then she guided herself in the door and immediately started touching in good spots. Yeah.

She was moving you back and back towards the kitchen so she can reach over your shoulders for snacks. Yeah, yeah.

She doesn't know you're afraid you eat healthy.

Dora.

Dora.

Wait, protein, yaki.

Yeah.

Ma'am, fuck the fatty, dude. That's the moral of the story.
Well, you know what I mean? Well, one of a few that night.

You know what I mean? Throw the meat inside the buns, you know what I mean? And look, by the time the thing was damn over, I was like, wow, fat girls ain't half bad.

Fat girls.

I had to admit, I had to admit if they're asian it's sort of spiritual no here's the thing is that she was so thankful and appreciative i was jacked ripped and like muscle head in my prime form and i said man this is actually gonna be kind of fun oh yeah and so i lifted her up all right you know because

had the strength to do that and then i tossed her around uh you know like she'd never been in her whole life ever or since

Bless her heart. Fatties need love too.
And

see, and our last part was to throw you guys off a bit, okay? That's a true story. She tried to come over and say, hey, I'm in the area.
I did one of those. I'm at LAX.
Like, oh, what?

She's like, well, I got you a present. I'm like, all right.
So when I come back home, it's a trash bag. I'm like, these fucking neighbors.
No.

Weed, weed, weed. Yo, you could do some viral marketing, sir, wherever you are.
Leave that.

Who are some chubby chicks? You know what I mean?

Oh, that's a good point. The dude who gave us these edibles, edibles, you should, do you have a fat girl who will fuck the fans?

Look, she doesn't have to be Asian preferred, but it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be a plump Asian.

The way that you describe Santa Claus. She did.
Hey, yeah, I never saw her again.

The way you described that story was like, now it sounds more like it would be mine because it's like you get there and you're like, oh, oh, oh, you are bigger than I, you know what I mean?

You're touching her body. Shit, maybe I can find her again in this age of Ozempic.

Oh, you don't want the loose skin from that showing off. Yeah, no, you just wrap it over the top of your head and get to work.
Oh,

wrap it over.

JK L O L.

I'm dating someone. Oh, God.
A loose skin Asian woman is going to look like a hairless cat. Yeah, yeah.

No, I know, like a flying squirrel.

Spinello, is that the company?

What's the company called again?

spinello and smoggies et al these got me funky dude i'll tell you right now

damn dude see that cannon oh you just knocked over their drink

damn dude that had no echo idiot at all you fucking reta women are so dumb she just smacked it

she just smacked it at this guy somebody give me another one i want to throw it i'm jalen hurts dude her pickleball instincts kicked in.

All right. What are our scores at?

All right. In last place with three points.
Louis J. Gomez.
Dirty bitch.

Yeah.

Alex. Alex, why do you sound disgusted with Mayhem Miller's behavior with this fat Asian? Hey, look at here.
I was a gentle lover and I was attentive. He was an attentive gentle lover, you bitch.

Get over yourself, Alex. We had a good time.
We had a magical night. I'm sorry if that came out.
No, you don't have to feel bad about that. She should apologize to you, but everyone's okay.

The rage that Mayhem makes love with must be intense. Yeah, you know what I mean? God, I bet you're pure anger.
Yeah. She's loving it, and then there's a scary moment where

he punches the wall over her head, and she's like, Was that on purpose? He's like, No, I'm good, I'm good. What round is it?

Got me refucking. Got me bigger.

She's banging my head off. Bloody knuckles on the wall.
She goes, oh, are you okay? He's like, yeah, I don't know. It's fine.
No, no, that bitch is banging my head off the headboard.

Too much, Sargon. Lewis, did you guess? You didn't guess Jason on that one or any of them on that one? No, I would have guessed that.

I feel like you see him and you're like, oh my God, this guy's like me times 10 or whatever. And you're like, I can't even, I don't even, is it, is the story belonging to me? You know what I'm saying?

It's very possible. You're perplexed.
They told me in the back, I can't guess myself. I I think me and Lewis have fucked the same 260-pound woman before more than once.
Simultaneous.

Yeah, we've been friends for a long, weird time. That's like a foursome.
It'll be like an Eiffel Tower, but like, really, like, a London Bridge.

There's a real droop.

Alex.

In fourth place with five points, Big Jay Ogerson.

I love throwing shit out, dude. Yeah, that looks pretty cool.
Get in that guy right there.

Hey, get them over there. It's in the dark.

Is this the power? Is this the power the t-shirt gun guys have?

Who the fuck wants it?

We gotta send one way back.

Oh, wait, I wanted to try them.

Throw one back. Throw one back.

Jay, right here. Hey, take it.

Don't eat the whole date thing, bro.

No, we got a bunch of back.

They'll get me more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're going to get me more.

All right.

Did you finish the points, Alex? No, I barely started.

Where are points at, Alex? In third place with six points, Mayhem Miller.

I'll take it in second place with nine points Sam Tripoli

and in the lead with ten points Josh Potter

I'm getting annihilated right now I wish all these people would come see my shows

I'll buy a ticket.

Thank you.

Okay, let's take a quick moment, Story Warriors, and thank one of our incredible sponsors, which is actually my company, Body Brain Coffee. The reason I'm killing it so much on Story Warriors.

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Where were we? Alex, story number six.

Story number six.

I was getting blown by a girl who was mean and kind of ugly.

That really woke me up.

In the middle of it, I texted a nicer, prettier girl, and she came over and finished the job.

The mean Uggo was very, very mad.

What? Ooh, we!

I know who this could be. Who? Who's Jacob Mess?

No, no, what? No, Sam Tripoli definitely says the word. Sam said he was doing brag stories.

He said he was doing brag stories. Yep.

I can hear it in his voice. That's the problem.
Go ahead, say it. Read a little tape.
Come on, read it, Sam. Read the story.
Ugo. Yeah, yeah, just say that.
Mean and reading. The ugly is such a.

How is she blowing you in both of those things?

How did you get past mean to get her to blow you? Meaning ugly girl's a little bit more. Why was that ugly? She's like, I'll blow you, you ugly piece of shit.

You want me to suck your little dumb dick, you fucking asshole?

I mean, mean, ugly girls do give blowjobs at one point. They all do, right? What? Hey, that seems deflective.
What makes a girl mean and nice? Teeth? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, I think on the right night, any of us will fuck a rattlesnake in the mouth.
Yeah.

This rattlesnake.

Any

given night.

I'm here for it. I meant on the right night, but I'm not supposed to.

Yo, I'm here for it.

The little Frodian slipping down a fucking rattlesnake.

Sorry, guys.

I took those candies in the back. I don't know what that was.
I mean,

man,

don't even try to get me off, Sam Tripoli. It's you.
I know it's you. I'm going to write your name left-handed with my right.
Dude, do you take this whole thing?

Oh, no, don't take the whole thing. Look,

I take the whole thing, and I'm.

Louis! Louis!

Louis!

Do the whole thing. No.
Do the whole thing.

No. Why would you fucking want to hurt your friend?

Who does that?

Louis tries the cocaine, too. This might be fentanyl.
You try. try it.
You just do the whole thing. I thought you were off weed.
You were my inspiration to work out. No.
No, I was.

I'm doing more than half.

More than half.

More than half. More than half.

More than half. More than half.
More than half. More than half.
More than half.

For the record, Lewis got me addicted to weed years ago. I did.

And then he kind of stopped smoking weed. So

I don't continue to smoke weed like I do it all the time. Can I give Big J a compliment and make him comfortable to eat the rest of it?

Big Jay looks so tan and svelte. He went from a Kyle Schwarber jersey to a Bryce Harper jersey like that.

Go Phils.

You look good, buddy.

I knew some of those words.

It's a baseball joke. Sam

Tripoli, you ugly, getting your dick sucked, son of a bitch.

You ugly bitch. I'm in the room, dude.
You ugly.

You getting your dick sucked by ugly bitches, son of a bitch, is how I meant the word that. Oh, my God.
The way I said it the first time, said you're ugly, you're a gorgeous man.

The ugly girls is what I meant. Okay.
I was just saying. Danny, I feel better.
Affinity for ugly girls. Man.

Shit.

I mean, you're such a nice guy, that's all.

That's why I think that's a good thing.

Listen, the word ugo is thrown. That's the only reason I would say this isn't Lewis.

Right?

Yeah.

The word ugo.

But also, it could be mayhem Miller because

he says crazy words.

And also has the gumption to text a girl while an uglier girl is sucking his cock actively.

Listen, i might change my answer i have done this 100 i just talked myself in the mayhem

i mean you almost talked me into mayhem right now who is that that's no this is uh the flat earth because i know you believe in the flat earth

i decided to pick a visual representation of you instead of the actual you

so as not to cause confusion potter huh who'd you say i said sam

sam sam potter

Did you put it? Oh, you put it up? Are you off?

If it's in your hand, it doesn't count yet. Who said me? Who said me? I said you.
Oh, damn.

Sam Tripoli.

Yeah, I know. I never did this.
We can shake him down, huh? Did you do it?

I'm in trouble. Don't try to mind me with Sam.

I'm going to vote Sam Tripoli.

Everyone's answers are in Alex.

My sister told me you did that.

She looked like me with a bow in her hair.

And she was the prettier girl for the story.

Wow, everybody, this story belongs to Josh Potter.

Holy shit.

This man is unstoppable.

Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter.

Hard to argue.

Hard to argue with.

Like the artful Dodger. Buy tickets to my fucking shows for Christ's sake.
How about that?

Potter. You grabbed your pot.
Take it to Potter's show at SamTripoli.com. Josh.

Your energy. I'll tell tell you exactly how this happened.
Wait, wait, you did a smooth thing on the show. You started the show being like,

getting pussy. That's crazy.
I never get pussy. I know.
I'm the old loser who never gets pussy.

All your stories are but getting sucked and fucked.

And then you have such fucking clout that when someone ugly and mean is sucking your dick, you go, I'm going to have a better bitch come sup you. But you vamp, vamp down there on my wiener.

that day was one of the best days of my life

because I was at a bar and two girls were talking to me and I just accepted the one that was appropriate to me I thought

and I went home with her and and she was just mean

and she was ugly 260 Asian and she yeah poor pretty much I mean she might as well he said she was mean and he was sucking his dick was she headbanger ball no she was like she's like you're like yeah I'm even here sucking your dick right now like that kind of thing you know what I mean?

And it's like, you're gross.

Hold on, hold on. Hold on.
So you kicked her off your dick. No, no, no.
And by exactly what happened,

I was laying there while she was sucking my dick. We were drunk or whatever.
And I had my phone, and I was like, you should come over to the

other girl who's at the bar who's prettier and nicer, just like shooting my shot, whatever, you know? Who cares? I was shooting my shot. Then she rang the doorbell.

And the girl was like, who's here? I go, I don't know. And then like,

she went, we both went downstairs to like open the door. And it was.
And you still didn't know? No, I knew it was her. Baby got to tell me who it is.
No, I knew exactly who it was. And I was like,

my heart was racing. Oh, shit.
No, she.

I texted this girl. She rang the doorbell.
She rang the doorbell at an odd hour, so I knew she was coming over. She's like, I'm here.
And she rang the doorbell.

And so the girl faced the other girl, and it was like a funhouse mirror, like looking into.

And I was like, and she was like, You really just brought another girl over? I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. I was like,

And that was like the worst I've ever been. But that is uh wait, so did the one leave? Yeah, she left, and the other one came in and did the other thing.
And then

she's like, You're fucking

Let me say this before the internet runs wild with rampant narratives. This lady was mean.

She deserved it.

She was not nice.

She was very mean. Did the second girl, like, she was jerk off the spit of the other girl first? No, she knew what was going on.

I said this mean lady was sucking my dick, not as good as you would do it, but like, oh, I did one of those, yeah. Oh,

she was like, she was like, you're fucking blind.

Wow, what a meet-cute.

What happens when one guy's getting away from me? This was one of those things.

It was fun. It was a fun day in my life.
I'm almost 40 now. These won't happen anymore.
You've got to relish them. They've been married for 12 years.
Give them a hand. Let's relish these memories.

You know, I was like 25 or whatever the hell, you know.

What a day.

What are our scores at? That was, I mean,

ass kicking we just got.

I'm sorry.

I'm winning. I'm sorry.
On the scoreboard in last place with three points, Luis J. Gomez.

My, how the mighty Lewis, have you ever lost like last place? Now, by the way, well, welcome to the bottom. I've been down here a bunch.
Let me tell you something. It's all right, dude.

It keeps you loose and funny when you're like,

I don't care. Let these three play.
I don't know what the fuck's happening. It's always obviously me when it's me.
Everybody seems to know immediately.

And then you, every time I guess you, you're like, it's not. And then I tell everyone else not to to say you, and then you win.

It's pretty much, and just on and on with that. I've seen that episode.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called Anyone That's Still Available on YouTube.
Alex.

In fourth place with five points, Big Jay Ogerson. All right.

All right.

Yep.

In third place with six points, Mayhem Miller. Climb in the ranks.

Get him a title shot, baby.

All right, all right.

In second place with 13 points, Sam Tripoli.

Always finding the pattern.

And in the lead with 16 points, Josh Potter.

How are we supposed to play against Kaiser Sosa?

He fucking threw us all for a loop. I agree with you.
He threw us for a loop. He was like, guys, I don't even know.

is like pussy. Is it cool? You guys tell me I never got it.

And then every story is like, I'm nuts deep in this pig.

And then her friend's like waiting, begging, like, can I have some of it? And I'm like, sure, baby, there's plenty for both of you.

Everyone has a little kiss, and then we practice kissing each other, too, yeah.

And every story is like, oh, that was just that one time. Yeah,

one story is not indicative to a lifetime.

You sound guilty.

Well, I mean, now you're all perplexed.

You did that shit last night.

You slut. I wish.

Alex.

Oh, you're right, Lewis. That was subtle.

And I have been drinking. But I should tell you guys

what's going on tonight. Everyone's playing for a chance to win, like a mother, a feminist journey

through the science and culture of pregnancy. Like a Mother breaks down how the body changes during pregnancy and after birth.

Garbs explains how organs shift, how breast milk is made, and what it takes for the body to recover after labor.

She mixes medical research with her own experience, and the result is a book that's informative without ever sounding clinical.

I gotta win. This is the only way I'm gonna find find out.

This is it.

Hey, why are we sponsored by an OBGYN?

I don't know. How breast milk is made is a weird thing.
I'd like to read into that. How it's made? It just

happens, right? There's a baby, and then your tits.

Breast milk has electrolytes in it. You suck on them.
And then you suck like a baby on a tit. It happens in the mammaries.

It does. Very good.

Sounds like you don't need the book.

No, no, no, no. He wrote this motherfucker.

You guys don't know this, but Mayhem Miller's pen name.

Yeah.

I'm a lesbian.

Angela Garbs.

He works under Angela Garbs.

Alex, story number seven, I believe.

Story number seven.

I convinced my conservative girlfriend into a threesome during which she froze like a goat and ruined the experience.

Ah, that sounds like big Joak and said finally.

Who's my conservative girlfriend?

You didn't even move. You didn't even move.
Froze like a goat.

Froze like a goat is hilarious. We're not going to acknowledge that.
Froze like a goat is fucking great.

I don't understand that. I don't understand the analogy.

Oh,

the scared goats, when they scare the goats, I think a deer when the deer in the headlights.

Sure, but this is funnier. All right, it's regional.
It's regional. I'd love to take credit for this.
This isn't me. I don't know what

I don't have a conservative girlfriend ever in my life. I don't know what the hell.
I think it's you again. I don't know what the hell a girlfriend.
And she did like this.

Ah!

Ah! You know the one.

I do. I remember.
Meme of five, my life. Fuck.
I got to get off the internet. Bro, it's like a.
Who knew that mayhem was gonna have a great goat impression?

That's crazy. God put this here for us.
That big Asian girl found out.

I mean, it's tripoli, tripoli, tripoli. Yeah, I mean, that's what's making me conservative.
It's like, yeah, yeah, I would never

like categorize.

Also, goat, it's like whatever, the balfamuzza, whatever the hell you talk about with this devil and all that shit.

i'm sorry

baphomet

i know that one man i've seen tattoos in prison you guys aren't yeah it's sam you guys aren't stoked on satan i love how you guys do not think highly of me that's what i've learned tonight

well let me say something i'm giving a lot of i said here's the thing Conservative girlfriend, what's actually selling me here is froze like a goat. Very funny line.
Okay, so thank you.

So it's what's it's not mine.

And I don't believe in Lewis. What happened, man? Hey, that's I'm blind, not drunk.
Get off my back.

He dropped his cane, huh? Right here. Oh, shit.
Oh, that's some. No, no, you don't put it on.
I didn't put it on yet. That's a goddamn miracle.

I mean, this is kind of lining up with Potter's whole night, right? Like, he's really been convincing some bitches to do some shit.

Yeah, Potter, is this you just laying the fucking dick down hard again, dude?

Sam, I don't...

You're coming in here with your goddamn trifocals, confusing the shit out of everybody.

And meanwhile, you're just fucking crushing snatch all around town, dude.

May I say, if I'm the villain you think I am, would I have enough time to discern what political party they are in? Yeah.

Okay, that's fair.

Can't tell you about your fucking political leads when you're copping stuff down their throat, dude. Right, dog?

I got a lot of other hoops to jump through, not the political party part, so I don't discern that. Yeah, this seems like tinfoil hat shit.

This seems, I would never call a girl. I guess my ex-wife is a liberal,

queefy Hispanic chick.

And Christine just watches this, whatever we watch. No one gives a fuck.
Well, I'm thinking. I can see this being mayhem as well.
Mayhem, you're a fucking fighter.

Oh, yeah, I definitely could do this.

I'm on the Adam Carolla show. Shit.

I can have two conservative girlfriends having threesome with me.

But I'm dating someone. Lewis?

You just said it, and you're absolutely right. It's Mayhem.
I think, yeah, Mayhem lives a wild life. And he wouldn't date any conservative.
I get points for a tricky guy.

He also froze like a goat.

Froze like a goat.

Sam, I wrote you, pal. Okay.

Froze like a goat. And the fact that Sam is saying.
Froze like a goat. It's a funny line that Sam would write.
Thank you.

I did feel that way, too.

But it's now that I hear it, though, I hear it in Mayhem's voice.

True. Now, I think he's wasting his time.
She froze like a goat.

Now we got to guess who you wrote. Look, Katie, I was rushed, all right? It wasn't as good as it could have been, all right? Who is that, Big Jay? So he thinks it's Josh.
I don't have that.

Who's blind? Big J thinks I have hair. I draw you like a French girl.
Your guess is a take-no-nonsense black teacher from a 90s film.

That looks like it's hell-electric boogie.

You think I'm not Casey or JoJo from Joe to see?

But my body!

My body! Do you think I'm the baritone bass talking guy from Boys to Men who's the only one who's not in the band anymore?

Big J thinks I have hair. That's not me.

It's me.

Alex, all of her answers are in.

Story number seven belongs to

Mayhem Miller.

They uncovered my pots and my plan. Yeah, bud.
I did that. Sorry about that, lady.
You tricked some people.

You know, why are you getting conservative? Look, she said she wanted to do it. She said she was down.
She was not down.

Now, the thing about this girl was this particular girl was a bodybuilder, very strong lady, used to posing. And when she froze like this goat,

I was mid-coit getting a vice pinch with a body lock of a thousand like Star Wars when they crushed the thing. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. The Wall Star, sure.
This is him all the time, by the way.

I don't know how he's not tired. They say, I'm all the way awake or I'm all the way asleep.

Anyway, man, look man the one girl was a pro okay here's the thing right what I didn't say was a Christian conservative okay because she was very I don't know I guess they trained her that being lesbian is for bad

because

no definitely not what was she look let's not get into all no it's important she wasn't 260 pounds I'll tell you that was she Latina no I just told you to answer man read between the lines see where it is investigate cease your investigations conservative asian yes so anyway

was it asian i'm just i never told this story so i'm a little bit i didn't know there was any lodges to repair conservative she listened to praise music all the time it's kind of catchy i gotta be honest

now uh look she was fine with just me the other girls floating around and as she came closer she would lock up even tighter and i'm like ah and then then she would float back and then uh and then it was relaxing

and then i was like fine hey just give me a back rub did she she tighten up on you when you were in her? Because that might work, dude. I mean, listen, I was done pretty quick.

She froze like a goat. Yeah, I mean,

I feel bad about it. I'm like, ah, well, maybe I shouldn't have explored this with you.
No. And say 10 Hail Marys and go home.
No, you did the right thing every step of the way in that story.

Wait, did I trick anybody? You did. Sick, sick.
Alex, where are points at? All right, on the scoreboard in last place with seven points. Lewis J.
Gomez.

All right, all right.

I don't give a fuck. I'm happy.
I like being in last place. Feels nice to lose for once.
You're on 10,000 grams of THC. Dude,

I'm floating right now. You are looking like you're an iron mountain.
There we go. There we go.

Send the last one, Lewis.

Damn, snagged it. You sort of got shit, Lewis.

Don't throw it back.

He doesn't even want it. He's on the show when a girl you throw like.
He was able to snag in the front row. I was just disappointed in myself with what a faggot throw.

A guy in the very front row was able to snag it gingerly out of the air. Is how light and shallow that throw was.
In your defense, you're heavily medicated. It's true.

I'll tell you right now, Sarah, you should be rich. These edibles

are bananas. Yeah, they're doing a job.
I mean, look at

the packaging for just one dose.

Three nuts. Look at this.
One

bad for the environment, good for your brain.

It's a lot of waste. It's a lot of waste, fucking spirillo.
Nah, not spinello. That's how Plan B comes.

I love it.

A lot of packaging for one little magical pill. Dude, I'll tell you now: like, I have taken a lot of edibles.
That was a dude. You are retarded right now.

Holy shit. Hey,

listen, sure, dude. You've taken a lot of edibles before, but have you ever taken 100

milligrams

once, man.

This guy's fucking out of his tree, dude. You gotta

do it and

read,

man.

The game

cannot be the people.

What's the next

story?

I wish the whole audience would have started just fucking laughing in slow motion. Story was the best.

In third place.

Did I do fourth place?

I forgot you were doing the scores.

Do it in slow motion. Do it in slow motion.

Alex, keep us on track. It's crazy.

Every time we try to do the scores on this show, it's three in the morning to be in Lewis.

In fourth place with nine points. We're on New York Times.

In fourth place with nine points, big Jay Ogerson. Big Jay Ogerson.

In

third place with 10 points, Maha Miller. Oh, what?

Oh, my God.

I was so worried, bro. In second place with 13 points, Sam Tripoli.
He's an expert.

And in the lead with 16 points, Josh Potter.

Take your bow. Well-deserved bow.
Locke, you almost fell off the fucking stage.

He threw us off. He could smell the edges.
Thank God. Thank God.
Yeah.

It's okay. I've been doing this my whole life.
I get there. I find it.
I'm like a Roomba Roomba on a stage. He uses whiskers like a cat.

It is still

anybody's game

for Lewis.

Lewis isn't going to remember this game. Oh, yeah.

But you know what?

I can play Giant Killer. Yeah!

Yeah!

What do you play?

Oh, that felt so good. Thank you.

Alex, story number eight.

Story number eight.

I once had a weapon pulled on me by a ghetto lesbian after getting into an altercation with a small group of her ghetto lesbian friends.

I know I went deep on the Sam Triple E lore.

I went deep on the Sam Triple E lore last time, but this is Sam Triple E, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait. You wouldn't use such nice language.

Ghetto lesbian friends. I would totally say that.

This is what you think is kind speech.

Ghetto lesbian friends. What's each? Introducing me to the royalty? Well, I feel like there's a lot of ghetto lesbians in Los Angeles.

Buddy, we're in in West Hollywood. This is their home turf, bro.
The fuck off their gang. There's like five ghetto lesbians that work as door menu movie or...

Yeah. I got thrown out of here for calling one of them fucking.

I got patted down by a ghetto lesbian on my way in here.

I thought it was five Mexican dudes.

It was three in a trench coat.

Each and every one of them's fucking side part in their hair were sharper than the last.

Yeah, it triply is. They're so gay, they tuck their pussies.

It's not even like tucking your wiener. They still also tuck their pussies, so there's a tuck.

They got a switchblade to hinder sports brawl.

Tripoli, you're confrontational sometimes. You can be.
Yeah, for sure.

Especially against small groups of ghetto lesbians. Yeah.

That's your one thing.

I mean, it's not Potter.

Lewis, if you got approached by a bunch of lesbians. That fact didn't even describe you a ghetto lesbian.
Yeah.

What would you say to them? What would you dissuade them from attacking you? A bunch of ghetto lesbians? Pardon me, dykes.

Yeah.

Hey, homies.

Yeah. Hey.
Get Out of the way. Just so you know, God's watching.

He goes, God is good all the time. And they went, and all the time God is good.
That's right, ladies.

Yeah, you're an abomination.

I mean, you know,

anyone who knows me knows that if it's anything lesbian, I would be jerking off to whatever's going on here.

Lewis, I don't know if it's the accent you just have built in, but we we always made the joke, but when you say mayhem, you say mayhem every time. I hope people go back.

Mayhem.

You can't imagine how many people will write that on my damn stories like mayhem. When it's right there next to it, mayhem.

But I am quite a ham.

So is that what you were doing? Were you calling him a mayhem? Because I'll respect the shit out of that. I was.
Oh, you're lucky I'm on 80 years. No, mayhem, that's a good thing.

Weird stranger, stranger, drugs.

That's just Easter.

I'm gonna go. Has yours kicked in yet? Yeah, yo, are we still playing this game? I forgot all about it.

I don't even know what we're doing. I'm having an out-of-body experience right now.

Spears are talking to me, and they're saying it's Sam Tripoli.

Spooky.

Oh, it's so spooky. I can't tell if Lewis is hiding from me or just hot.

It's you, huh? Oh, it is you, huh? Lewis is on four. Am I finally going to draw you for the correct time? I'm going to draw you how you look to me right now.
Oh, my God.

Is this it? This is your opus. This is your opus right now.

Who is this? Can I say my opus? I haven't made this miss the stand once.

Now who's gonna suck his dick

until he gets bored and calls in your best friend to suck his dick?

If Josh Potter wants his dick sucked, his dick's getting sucked.

Look at yourselves in the mirror, ladies. Could be you next.

That's not the moral of that story. Oh, sorry.

I jumped again, buddy.

Sam Tripoli is my answer. I don't know if he's going to show it just yet, but so far, I know he's drawing you, but you look like a member of the...

Wow, that looks insane. That looks like...

Is this Pirates of the Caribbean? Now, you look like

i don't know if you remember i'd like to thank the sponsors

not stinky or pinky but you look like dinky the ghost

from uh activision's pac-man yeah yeah yeah yeah you're like dinky the ghost

yeah

i stole

apologies

that's amazing I feel like he's going to be animating for Disney by the time this year. That's fantastic.

What if Lewis was a cartoon wise turtle?

Say no more. No, no, you did it already.

Shit, you're right. Yeah.

Wise old turtle, Lewis. Sage.
Fuck damn it. I really wish that you would have realized that he would have taken

fucking requests early in the show. I know.

I didn't even know I knew how to draw until tonight.

Lewis sounds like a printer running out of ink right now.

Where the fuck is the cyan? Where's the cyan?

I'm just trying to make his trip even weirder.

Is everybody in? Yes.

All right, Alex, our final story.

Our final story belongs to

Louis J. Gomez.

A broken clock is right once a day.

Man. But I knew.
You won, Paul.

I still didn't win. Fuck, Alex.

No, I didn't win. I didn't win.
But it's alright. So yeah,

when I used to sell comedy tickets on the street, I was on 34th Street and a bunch of ghetto lesbians walked by. And I was like, hey, because I used to sell tickets for this comedy club.

I was like, hey, do you guys want to go to a comedy show? You dudes can use a laugh.

Hey, what's up, bro? What's up, buddy? What are you doing?

And then they were like, they're like, no. And I'm like, all right, whatever.
They're like, whatever, you, motherfucker. I was like, yo, fuck you, you stupid dyke bitch.

And she came over and burped pussy in your face.

And then she was like fat and short, and she was like a bulldyke. She had like a fucking, like, a crazy, like, uh,

short haircut, but like a little mohawk in the middle. Like Kwame?

Yeah dude and yeah she

you remember that Men on the Mission? Men on a Mission

from the WWE

from the WWF the you remember men on a mission?

I don't know if it was Mo or Mabel but she had that like the big giant fat one.

Shut the fuck up

remove this guy now

and sit him next to me.

Okay.

Aw. Wow, that was actually a sweet thing.

Oh, my bad.

I should have yelled that. I'll go.

Yeah, so then, yeah,

I started yelling at them, and then she pulled the blade on me. And then I was like, okay, I'm not going to get sliced and beaten by a fucking bunch of lesbians.
No, no, no. It's still a girl, dude.

A girl with a knife is still like a child without one. No, that's not true, dude.
Lesbians count as like seven-eighths men. No.
Especially a ghetto one. No.
Yeah, dude.

Yeah, a black lesbian is a seven-eighths man.

I didn't say black, I said ghetto. You just got to find the rhythm of their fucking arm fat swings.
Wait, you're sorry. And if you could time it right, you could sneak through.
It's like pitfall.

Or frogger.

No.

Look, you fought this lesbian to the death or no? No, I ran.

Well, I didn't run, but I backed down. Was it a kumite?

I backed down.

I fought to, or I live to see another day.

You said I want to

say anything or you just ran off? No, I just backed down. I was like, yeah, all right, whatever, lesbians.

Back-to-waist low.

Yeah, whatever, straight guy. You reeled back on that hate speech real quick, huh? Yeah.
Well, next time, I'll teach you some moves that I learned from Stephen Seagal. Dude, I would love so much.

For Mayhem Miller to bully beat down lesbians who attacked you. Oh, no, man.
Listen, I learned a couple of disarms that saved my life. That's why I say, Stephen Sagal saved my life.
Yeah.

Bill Hatfields and McCoys. Yeah.
Alex, what are our final scores?

All right, in last place with nine points.

Big Jay Ogerson. What?

No way.

I flew, I flew so many hours. Yeah.
My weekend before this got canceled.

Oh, man.

I love you, dude.

Tied for third place with 13 points each. Luis J.
Gomez and Sam Tripoli.

I'll take it. It's a respectable score, Sam.

Second place scored 14 points, and your winner tonight with 16 points,

Josh Potter

an amazing performance an amazing performance Josh Potter

it's all over

you take home like a mother a feminist journey through the science and culture of pregnancy wait that's what he's taking home that's what he's taking home

absolutely everybody how about it for your newest story warrior Josh Potter

Yeah!

Potter fucking killed it.

Potter.

Someone's about to get a stick side by side.

Please come out to that show. Those shows, there's multiple, please.

How about a big round of applause for our entire panel up here tonight? Sam Tripoli,

Mayhem Miller,

of course, your newest Story Warrior, Josh Potter, over there.

Guys, thanks for hanging out here with Story Wars with us. I'm Big Jay Okerson.
I'm Louis Jay Gomez. And we'll catch you guys next time.
Peace.