057. Josh Wolf, Pete Lee, & Valerie Vaughn | Art

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Skankfest New Orleans is happening November 14th through 16th.

Get your tickets right now.

There's only individual day passes left.

All access is sold out.

VIP is sold out.

It is the largest lineup we've ever had.

Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe Liss, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks, and many, many more.

Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music, and everything else you love about SkankFest.

Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single-day passes.

Hey, Story Warriors.

Merch is available right now at storywarsmerch.com.

We've got a whole bunch like the double points, the logo, and so much more.

And until the end of the month, one lucky fan is going to get two free all-access VIP passes to SkankFest New Orleans.

So if you've purchased anything in the past or anything during the month of September, you are automatically entered.

That could be from Story Wars, Legion of Skanks, Regs, or the Gas Digital Merch page.

You will get an entry into the contest.

Plus, we're going to be doing a special VIP meet and greet at Skank Fest for fans who show up and merch.

Get yours today at storywarsmerch.com.

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7.45 p.m.

to be a part of the show.

Don't be a piece of shit.

Just get your tickets and come.

It's fun, Buckface.

NewYorkComedy Club.com.

Before we start today's show, let's thank Yo Kratom for being a longtime supporter of all things here at Gast Digital and All Things Comedy, All Things Gank Fest.

Just an absolute great company that supports great comedy.

It's home of the $60 Kilo, which has never changed in all the years they've been with us.

A $60 kilo of high quality, lab-tested, directly delivered to your door, Kratom.

How can you beat that deal?

And as things change, that never does.

You'll get that $60 kilo today, tomorrow.

And we're not telling you to go start using Kratom.

That would be stupid.

Don't use Kratom recreationally.

If you're benefiting from Kratom and Kratom is helping you in your life, because there are a lot of amazing benefits, that's who we're talking to.

People that use Kratom recreationally are gross, I will tell you right now.

But look, if you're using it in place of, you know, being hooked on,

you know, opiates or heroin or painkillers, it's helped out a lot of people that I personally know, and that's who we're talking to right now.

So if you're already getting Kratom, why not get it at the best price possible from the best place possible, yokratom.com?

All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Okerson, and Lewis Jay Come.

Hey,

what's going on?

Welcome to Story Wars.

Make some fucking noise in here, would you please, New York City?

Thank you.

We're back in New York, right here at the New York Comedy Club, our home, which, by the way, I will say, the management and the owners of the New York Comedy Club, very sorry about our Story Wars library bookshelf.

They came back and they were like, what can we do to make this right?

Call your fans off right now.

We were just kidding, but our fans fans have been saying terrible things about the management and how they feel about children with cancer.

Did we make that joke?

Maybe.

Maybe.

It's possible.

But I mean, all of our books, though, still.

Well, whatever.

I'm going to get over it.

You got to get over it.

It's just a whole bunch of books that everybody signed from all of you.

It's invaluable.

Just right now, somewhere out there in a New York City dumpster is all of these books.

So if you find them, it's a real treasure if you're a Story Wars fan.

Yeah, is this a how-to how-to-fix your own air conditioning book signed by Tim Dylan, Krista Stefano, and Dan Soder?

Holy shit.

We always like to ask the crowd, sold that or not.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah.

Just three, three guys in the back.

It's all good, man.

All right.

No, so listen, sorry, you haven't heard of us, but now you are about to be in for a treat because this is going to be the most fun you've ever had in your goddamn life.

Am I right, people?

Am I right, people?

Although

those three guys do seem like more of a Legion of Skanks bunch, but, you know, all right.

They'll cross over.

They'll cross over.

We should get our fucking panel out here.

It's a fantastic panel.

If you're not familiar with the game, we'll explain it after we get our panel up here.

We have a great one.

Our first first contestant and guest, you know her from our podcast, Get in the Car.

And, of course, from Kill Tony, how about it?

For the glorious.

Valerie Vaughan, everybody.

Make some noise.

Valerie Vaughn.

Valerie Vaughn.

Valerie Vaughn.

Valerie Vaughn.

Poopa poop of poop.

Poop of poop.

Val, very happy to have you back on Story Wars.

You're the only panelist tonight returning.

Are you happy to be back here?

I'm so happy to be back.

Very good.

Very good.

Your competition is very, very stiff.

We're all stiff now that you showed up.

Lewis, your son's here.

I'm sorry, James.

You got it.

You're to learn the truth one day.

This is a hot woman.

No, he knows.

He's stiff.

From his special Tall, Dark, and Pleasant on YouTube.

On tour right now, the always hilarious Pete Lee.

Pete Lee, Pete, Lee, Pete, Lee,

Hi guys, how are you?

What's up, buddy?

Hi, Valerie.

I'm not your friend on Instagram, but I've pinched and zoomed.

And

hey,

Pete, Lewis's son is here.

Oh,

yeah, you've never heard that.

No, he just feels.

Can you imagine being Lewis's son?

Yeah.

I'm not even going to say a sentence after that.

Just like let your mind wander.

Our third final contestant,

he has a podcast called Hey Man, and his campfire special is out right now.

Makes noise for the first time on Story Awards, the hilarious Josh Wolf.

Hello?

Hello.

All right.

I'm just going to start saying it to all the comedians I see now.

Lewis, you're included in this one too.

Just pay for your own barbecue.

And no one has to represent this Terry Black's place this hard.

It's so good.

Every comedian is just a hard time.

I'm wearing Bub City barbecue right now.

Why are all these comedians swaddled in places that give you free meat?

Well, this is the thing.

They give you free meat, but then these assholes also hand you free merch as you walk out the door, and it's pretty solid merch.

And they send you free meat.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

I got like a brisket and ribs and sausage.

I'll wear the fucking hat.

I'll tell you something.

It's weird.

Is that I could afford meat, but there's something about free meat

that makes it taste way better.

Yeah, Val loves free meat.

I love free anything.

That's what I say whenever I suck someone off at a glory hole.

I go, well, it was free meat.

What am I going to walk away from that?

Jay, my son is here.

Oh, James, a glory hole is a hole in a bathroom

where one man will put his penis in for another gayer man to.

gayer.

I guess that is a little gayer than just sticking your dick through the hole, for sure.

If you're just going in the glory holes to put your wiener in the hole, whatever, man, you don't know what's on that other side, but you know what you're getting on the other side of it in your beautiful, beautiful mouth.

Free meat.

Free meat.

Free meat.

Look, I'm excited.

I found out tonight, but before we even got in here, that Josh is a grandfather eight times over.

Nine.

Nine times over.

Yeah, nine.

That's insane.

Yeah, my oldest.

You're the hottest grandfather I've ever seen.

My oldest grandkid is older than him.

My oldest son's pull-out game is terrible.

Has not quite figured out an old either, apparently.

And so, yeah, I got a lot of

grandkids.

But how you started having kids crazy young.

You know, my, yeah.

Yeah.

And I.

How old?

Well, when I had my son, I had met a woman.

She had two kids already.

And so then after we broke up, I have all three kids still.

No.

Yeah.

What did she do?

But

I'm just saying, you got to tell us.

You got to fuck up pretty big.

I have some

Canadians.

And I have a 13-year-old grandkid.

Wow.

Without a mustache.

Aww.

Wow.

I feel like he was taking a shot at your mustache, James.

No, no, I told him outside how it was great.

What did you say to my son about his mouth outside?

I said it's almost as hairy as your dad's.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You start doing grandpa things to him, like pulling a quarter out from his ear.

Keeping some worthers in my pockets.

You know better than the day you can call it dame abroad.

Yeah, I'm going to take you downtown, see?

Well, look, we actually, I didn't explain to Pete and Josh the rules before the show, so we should explain it to them very clearly, Jay.

Story Wars is such an easy game.

so much easier than we make it sound.

Yeah, but

everybody are you gonna write down today or not?

Chef Ann?

Thank you very much.

You got it.

I love your tablecloths, by the way.

Thanks, Pete.

Yeah, you know, you're getting big when you're like getting tablecloths.

It does feel out of our success range, I will admit, but it is pretty nice.

Story Wars, very simple.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis?

Art.

Ooh.

Eight of those stories have been picked at random.

And Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read them off one at a time on this screen right here.

If it's your story, you're the only person who knows it's your story.

So it's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story.

You want to deflect.

If...

It's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

Every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

So if it's your story, you can get up to four points that round.

Once you write the person's name on the dry erase board, put it in the slot, remove your hand.

That's it.

That's your final answer.

You can't change it, baby boy.

And I'll tell you right now, Story Wars is a lot of fun.

We're gonna have a lot of fun.

You boys in the back, you're gonna have fun tonight.

But,

but

we're not playing for fun.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

Well, I hope somebody here wins this book because they'll throw it out here.

We'll sign it.

Might as well just chuck it in a bum.

But if you do go home with the book, we always play for a book from the Story Awards Library.

Tonight's book, and tonight's winner, takes home All Because of You by N.

Thompson.

All Because of You begins with Lennon Summer returning to her hometown of Pine Creek.

After years away, she takes a new job to rebuild her life, only to discover her boss is Hayes Crawford, her brother's best friend, and the man she secretly loved as a teenager.

Hayes is now a single father devoted to his young daughter, and their unexpected reunion stirs feelings they both thought were gone.

All but close to you, Eddie Thompson.

Hayes is now a single father devoted to his young daughter.

Is this the Josh Wolfe story?

No, it is.

What is this?

Didn't we just hear him say this?

This guy just collects all the neighborhood kids and calls them his.

Ladies and gentlemen, he just dates girls and collects their kids.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, I'm leaving.

I'm taking your kids with me.

What we've dated for four months.

I know, but they love me more.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war?

Come on, are you ready for war?

Yeah,

then without any further ado, Alex,

story number one.

Story number one.

I clogged the toilet at the Museum of Natural History.

Valerie.

I knew you were going to say that.

No, it was just panty liners and shit, though.

I clogged the toilet at the Museum of Natural History after looking at Valerie's OnlyFans.

Awww.

Thank you.

I did.

I clogged the toilet at the Museum of Natural History because I took a dinosaur-sized shit.

Hell yeah, dude.

Bronosaurus shit.

Have you ever clogged a toilet before?

Sure, I have, yeah.

With Jay, not with toilets.

You don't know?

You just walk away.

You just walk off on it.

You don't look back.

How do you not look back?

That's crazy.

Dude, I go through these binges.

I just did this.

I went through a binge month.

That's why I'm wearing a sweatshirt in August.

And

I get that lifestyle.

30 pounds in a month easily.

I filmed the special.

I'm just fucking just killing myself.

So it's been three days.

I'm back.

Regardless.

I'm fast.

Yeah.

So, but here's what happens:

it's a psychological thing.

As soon as I'm done with the binge, like that, the day I decide I'm done, the next day I take the fattest shit ever.

And I'm talking about like coming out of the toilet.

Like it, once it breaches the water, and it's like, it's got like fucking.

I'll tell you what, this isn't bothering me in your description.

It's this.

Like there's topography.

Like the din of a football feed.

You know, it wait, it came out of the water and back in?

Yeah, like

icebergs right right ahead.

Yeah, dude.

It looked, yes.

It looked like Nessie coming out of there.

Wow.

Crazy, dude.

SeaWorld.

So I'm saying,

I've had stories like this.

Ever at the Museum of Natural History, I don't know, but...

Oh, do you know you like to binge and then go fucking take in some natural history?

Yeah, maybe.

It's probably one of those shits.

But do you not shit while you're binging?

I do.

It's a weird.

Dude, it's like a mind-body connection, dude.

I don't want to make it spiritual, but like something happens as soon as i stop binging for a full month i just my body releases it all at once that's very insane if you understand that full body cleanse kind of like a cleanse thank you val i'm gonna you shit like a dave matthews bus

that was a good one

i don't know why i think this much like me I feel like, Pete, you're probably not a public shitter.

No, but I would leave it like it's installation art.

Oh, yeah, no.

If I clog a toilet at a museum, I'm walking on it.

You're anti-public pooping?

It would have to be a real emergency.

And I'm telling you, that emergency wouldn't pop up upon plans to go into a museum.

But I would say that clogging a toilet is an emergency.

I would also say that Museum of Natural History, if I had to guess, probably a pretty sweet place to take a shit.

Oh, my gosh.

Feels clean.

It's going to be clean.

Museums, that's a fucking nice shit spot.

Yeah, it's also national.

It's like marble floor.

Yeah, that's true.

There's also probably nobody in the bathroom either at a museum.

No, yeah.

They're too busy looking at arts like Doris.

I'm just like, oh my god.

Fucking.

Nerd sex.

That's right.

A glory hole, perhaps.

Possibly.

All right.

Here's the thing.

I know it's not Val.

No woman is ever sharing this story.

No hot shit.

I don't know about that.

I don't know about that.

Nope.

There's no reason.

The game's not important enough.

The way girl clogs a toilet, though.

I always picture it, because they're little butts.

it's clogged with like a bouquet of little thin shits.

You ever see when a cartoon puts like 80 cigars in their mouth?

It's like that.

Death by a thousand cigars.

Each individually one would have gone down fine, but they fucking they all hit at the same time.

All right, I'm going to get the voting going.

Everyone accuses me of voting last.

I'm going to start first right now.

My vote is Pete Lee.

Pete is a New Yorker.

Josh is not a New Yorker.

I know you come to New York a lot, but I just, I'm playing.

So maybe you come to New York and see the place.

Jay doesn't take public shits.

Val's not telling this story.

Josh isn't from here.

The only one we got left is Pete motherfucking Lee, and that's my vote.

I'm good at this game.

And I've been pretty good.

Here's how good I am at this game.

I know Lewis's whole little to-do-do-dad right there means it's fucking him.

I don't know why I'm thinking

Lewis sold tickets and milled around the fucking city and probably had his shit at a lot of places.

And he probably binged and then fucking dumped.

Classic look.

Don't you dare, Val.

I feel like you were just.

You see me as a fucking, you see me as a shit clog.

I feel like you deflected way too hard that whole thing.

Okay, well.

You're talking too much the whole time.

Well, you idiot, you just gave up points.

No offense, Val, but I think this makes you even hotter.

I really do.

I really do.

It just.

No.

You were never an object to me, and now you're really a human.

Really human?

You're really a human.

and but I just the the detail for me is Lewis Museum

you guys definitely not very cultured for sure I I Pete I'm going you just because you look like every dude I've ever seen come out of a public bathroom stall

Pete's usually a snappier dresser yeah yeah but I mean this is kind of like who's coming out you know so I mean I do carry wipes with me everywhere do you yeah I do Do you

go to the Back to the Beginning concert?

Yeah, I went to

Birmingham.

I got to meet Ozzie.

It was great.

This guy will take a public shit.

It may have been Pete.

I may have fucked up with Lewis.

Alex, all of our answers are in story number one.

Whose story is this?

Story number one belongs to

Josh Wolfe.

So

the wolf, the wolfinator.

I was in the museum and I had I was holding it as

you know when you're like doing Kegels just walking around trying to hold in your shit, right?

Oh no, I meant

well I was kegeling up in the museum and

you know you know you're your asshole, it's letting it go and bringing it in and letting it go.

And then finally it just when you do this over your little brother's face with spit, that's what your asshole is doing with your shit.

You're touching cotton, basically.

And you know the wipe is now going to take forever because it's really mushing it into your butt, to your butthole.

I didn't like you doing this.

Yeah.

This would be the motion of your poops.

Yeah, I like you in two fingers, though.

That's...

Oh my god, dude.

I mean, that's going to be, that's about a poop.

You laying out poops like this, you lady boys?

No.

Well, that's the thing.

What made this memorable wasn't a clogging in the toilet because I've clogged probably too many.

But

there were a a lot of kids in the, there was like a field trip and shit.

So there were kids in the bathroom.

And there was a kid in the stall next to me.

And

he could hear how bad it was going.

And he put his little hand under this, and he goes, I'm so proud of you.

Oh, my gosh.

So sweet.

And I was like, oh, my God.

Yeah, so it just made it weird.

I've clogged it.

Did he give you some M MMs like a potty drink?

I got the fuck out of there, dude.

I love that you were doing Ask Kegels and then you did like Ass Lamaz.

I thought that was funny.

Are you okay there, mister?

Alex,

I mean, it was a clean sweep on story number one, so I already know the answers.

But give us an official breakdown of our points.

On the scoreboard, all alone with four points.

Josh Wolf.

The hell of a debut.

Will you deduct a point from my As Lamaz bomb?

As Lamaz bomb.

I thought it was a good line, but the people who have spoken.

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

In high school, I farted in front of my crush.

You can't spell fart without art.

Now I want this to be Val again.

Yeah.

God damn it.

I only know that because dudes fart in front of everybody, so it wouldn't be like remarkable to remember.

For me, if I fart in front of my crush, I'd remember that forever.

I would.

I fought.

Really?

Yeah, fat guys can't fart in front of their crushes.

It's more to fucking.

That's like your suicide.

You can't go give hugs after sports.

No.

There's so many things you can't do.

No, no, no.

All right.

Yeah.

That's like

you're a grandpa, and you're fucking handsome and fucking in shape That's like a young handsome dude thing you fart in front of girls they go oh, you're so fucking Josh Josh is also the name of a guy who farts in front of girls.

Yeah.

Oh Josh Josh Josh come on

Come on.

I have to suck that in a few seconds

I Have to put my face down there constantly for you No, no, we're not farting in front of women.

We still pretend we don't shit.

Oh dude, I'd shit you just said you shit lockness monster out of the fucking.

There's no women here that want to have sex with me.

If there were, I wouldn't shit in front of them.

Yeah.

Well, anyway,

this is ridiculous.

This is not art.

This shouldn't count.

This should be a disqualified story.

I thought it was you at first, Lewis.

You love wordplay.

I do love wordplay.

This would be...

This would be...

I mean, is this above board technically?

Yes.

It is above board.

And I'll tell you what.

I think when I think about it, again, I don't know Pete very, very well,

but I think we share a lot of the same

we have

in bed and sat and sang 80s songs though.

That is true.

That was a fun night.

Apka, upstate New York somewhere.

It was beautiful.

We didn't touch dicks, but we it was close enough.

We sang wham.

I feel kindred spirits with you enough to feel like this would also,

it's not me.

So I feel like this would resonate with you also that you fart in front of your crush.

Yeah.

Someone stick with you a little bit.

I'm a pretty feminine man.

I don't know.

Maybe this could be me.

Wait, this isn't what we're supposed to be doing, right?

We're not supposed to be arguing for you.

It's one tactic.

Okay.

I didn't say this to you guys before.

Don't vote for yourself if it's you, even if you get the last vote.

I don't want to do that.

Wait.

Wait.

The reason I think that this could be Pete is because there's also a cute joke.

Joke at the end.

And Pete's a jokey.

How many times have you been on the Tonight Show, Pete?

Nine.

Nine fucking times, dude.

It's the same amount of grandchildren you have, John.

That's crazy.

I agree with you.

That's the joke at the end.

I feel like when Pete texted this, what Alex took out was this emoji at the end of it.

I love that emoji.

You know, I do.

That's exactly what happened.

Val, if you farted in front of me, would it be like in front of your crusher?

I was

That's a clip.

I think it was definitely you.

Yeah, well, okay.

Val, have you ever farted in front of a man?

Yes, I have.

Without them paying.

I'm definitely, like, you know, I'm more

queef gal?

Yeah, more.

I'm more of a queef gal and a burp girl.

You're burps.

I have the loudest fucking burps you've ever heard.

Yep.

Oh my God, you're so gross.

I spent an hour straight burping last night.

Like, that is where all of my gas.

Straight hour burping.

Yes, all of my gas comes out of my mouth.

But I can see,

in a weird way, I can see this kind of being Val as well.

Like that, you're right.

Somebody said in the beginning, that's a big deal for like a girl to fart in front of their crush.

Yeah.

That's like a huge fucking deal.

To the point where they would make it a story on a show like Story Wars.

I still think you can't spell fart without art had to come from Pete Lee.

Like, there's no, there's no way that that's coming from either one of you two.

Zero percent.

I'm telling you, this is this is in Lewis's wheelhouse, too.

Have I ever submitted a story like this in the history of Story Wars?

A joke within the story?

Nope.

There's the the first time forever.

Well, you're really good at the game.

Maybe you're switching up your game.

It's a fucking new strategy.

Maybe it's a new strategy.

You're right.

You know what?

I'm going to go with my old strategy and just say Lewis again.

It always says Lewis.

For every single.

Oh, my God.

Now I'm thinking it might be Big J.

Why would you vote for me?

You know it's not me.

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

All right.

I'm going Pete Lee again.

I think the joke gave it away.

Definitely Pete Lee.

Thanks, Bub City.

Pete Lee.

Pete.

I'm going Val.

Sorry.

Oh, wait.

Whatever.

I don't even.

Stop winking at me.

I don't even know what it means in this scenario.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number two belongs to

Lewis J.

Gomez.

My God.

Bugs.

He had me.

Ah, that was good.

Being the resident story warrior, I am constantly experimenting with new techniques

to become the Supreme Story Warriors.

Is this your Tiger style?

Yeah, dude.

When you said it was me because of the joke, I was like, Your Honor, these accusations

are baseless.

Shameless.

He threw

a fun, quirky joke at the end to throw it your direction.

I did.

I did.

And then just flat out shut down.

This should be disqualified as a story user.

I did say that.

I said it should be disqualified.

I mean, I'm I play the game at a high level.

You're an unscrupulous piece of shit.

This was, there's not much more to the story.

Me and two girls and my buddy John Hickey were playing a board game.

Some, whatever, I don't even remember what game was.

It was a hilarious board game.

All I know is we were just having a grand old time.

It's called Fart Your Crush.

We were playing Crush Fart.

You go,

Crush Fart 25th Anniversary Edition.

Dude

No, but we were just we were having such a grand time.

We're all cackling and laughing and high-fiving.

I was connecting with this girl for the first time.

Dude, something happened.

I also love after-school cartoons.

I leaned back, like literally laughing so hard.

Both my legs were in the air.

I just went.

I mean, it cut through the fucking group.

Like, literally, everyone backed up.

They moved.

That's nice.

They should have held swords up, like, to let people walk through.

Then

everyone paused, and then everyone, all three of them, started just laughing at me.

Like the fun of the game was gone, but it was all like they were just laughing at me, and I never fucked that girl.

She never talked to you after that?

Never talked to me again after that.

That's how many women you fucked.

You're like, I didn't fuck that one.

Yep.

That one was not my son's mother.

That woman went on to be Ellen DeGeneres.

Alex, where are points after two stories?

All right, on the scoreboard, in third place with two points, Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with three points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And in the lead with four points, Josh Wolf.

Thank you.

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Chubbies for supporting the show.

It's about to be cold outside, and you could be a guy who's wearing chubby shorts all year long.

We know plenty of people who do things like that.

Or you could check out Chubby's fall collection dropping on September 9th.

Later this year, they're even launching the new Comfort Collection.

What was that fucking diggy just took a shot at me?

Well, you love wearing chubby shorts, and you're a shorts guy year-round.

You're a hoodie and shorts guy guy year-round.

It's a strange thing.

Well, I just did, I thought we were friends.

I didn't know we were taking shots.

Well, Jay, you're going to love it because their comfort collection is incredible.

They have everywhere joggers, so you look like a jogger everywhere you go.

And there's never a bad time to shop for Chubby's original stretch shorts either.

Um, I swim all year round, I go in the steam room and the sauna and the hot tub.

Jay, you have a hot tub in the backyard, so you need your chubby shorts all year round.

But their fall collection and comfort collection is just absolutely, just like you were coming at me, is all.

You know what I mean?

Oh, no, no, no, Jay.

You look great.

You honestly, you have the nicest legs in comedy for a fat guy.

Thank you all.

Whether you're layering up for tailgates, lounging through lazy Sundays, or just leaning fully into fall comfort, Chubbies has you literally covered.

And for a limited time, Chubbies is giving Story Wars fans $10 off your order with the code WARS W-A-R-Z at chubbieshorts.com.

That's code WARS W-A-R-Z at Chubbies, C-H-U-B-B-I-E-S Shorts.com.

Support the show.

Show your thighs and respect with Chubbies.

All right.

Where were we?

Yeah, great.

Alex.

Sorry.

I don't know why in my head I was thinking.

I was like, I got to think of a funny grandfather thing to say about Josh right now.

And then there was dead silence.

I had nothing.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I broke a piece of art in a hotel room.

I bumped it and it fell down.

Messed up the frame, glass, and the art itself.

I bought art supplies and spent the week fixing it.

I mean, I think that they would.

So it's not you because you would have just hidden the piece of art under the bed or some shit, right?

You wouldn't have fixed it.

Yeah, but he would write that because they're dishonest when Dave isn't here.

Yeah, but you feel like the only person up here who would feel guilty enough that they would have to fix it.

I would, yeah.

I would too, to be honest.

Would you?

I would.

Oh my god, we're so good.

I think if you bump a piece of art in a hotel room, I don't think that I think you just call down to the desk and be like, hey, come clean up this broken art.

Get this stupid piece of shit you've got 50 of at Bed Bath and Beyond and bring another one up.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is a crazy.

So this is a very nice person.

This is screaming Peatly right now.

Yeah.

Screaming Pete Lee.

I'm very nice.

This just screams tall, dark, and pleasant.

I like that one.

Thank you.

I'll support a joke even when you won't.

See, not that nice.

I mean.

Oh, shitty going over the top.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, Val, I think it's you.

I would do that, but I really didn't.

I don't know if you'd bump a piece of art.

In everything that I've known about you, in every picture I've looked at,

all of them.

And real.

You just told me you spill your drinks all over yourself.

I do spill my drinks, yeah.

I was doing Kevin Nealon's crowd work show, and then you sit down with him.

And just like the carpet on stage of the Laugh Factory removed, and I spilled a drink, it shattered our glass on stage.

And I am a drinker, but not that bad.

She's clumsy.

Yeah.

Yeah, if Val bumps into something, she bumps into it twice.

That's true.

Her tits.

That took me a minute.

Yep.

Folks,

story number three is bombing for some reason.

I can't tell why.

We're really off on this one.

I can't exactly put my finger on what's going on with this.

Because we're killing time before we all say Pete Lee.

Who else would do this?

I would never waste time doing this.

What do you see in a hotel room?

It's considered art in any way.

It's just like circles and nonsense.

Yeah.

Well, what if it was like in the...

Did it say it was in the room or in the lobby, maybe?

It said in in the hotel room.

In the hotel room.

You broke lobby art and you try to tell anybody and just slowly come back at night to fix it.

That's true.

Hammo's going to put this tarp up.

You don't mind front desk person, do you?

Do you know that they

nail they nail the art to the walls, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, and the only reason I know that is because I have tried to steal hotel art.

Nice.

I was like, I love this.

Oh, no.

Okay, then maybe it is you.

Maybe.

Or it's probably a vase or something.

Oh no, a frame.

I did steal a vase from Equinox before they banned me.

That's not why they banned me either.

What a gay thing to steal.

That's the most gay thing that's ever happened in an Equinox.

You think it doesn't sound gay because you call it a vase out of a vase?

The vase.

I'm taking this vase.

I did hide it directly in my asshole.

Your eyes.

All right, there we go, and we're back.

Story number three is back.

I mean, I can't vote for Pete three times in a row, but can I?

Why?

I voted for you twice.

It worked out.

That is true.

I think you have to.

I think I have to.

This screams Pete Lee.

It might be Val, though,

but Pete Lee, third time in a row.

Third time's a charm.

I just made that up.

That's my saying.

Dude, that's a good saying.

Pete Lee, here we go.

I'm going for it.

I'm going with Val because I just want to connect.

Well, she hasn't fart her shit yet, so maybe she's clumsy.

What if it was a fart?

That knocked down the piece of art?

Yeah, yeah.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

All right.

Story number three belongs to

Pete Lee.

Yeah.

Is that sound effect for if everyone guesses the right person or if you fool everybody?

No, there's separate ones for if you fool everyone.

Okay, I suppose to make sure that's what that was, though.

Did I get points for everybody guessing me?

No,

no points.

Nope.

No.

No, because that seems like fucking swift.

I don't know.

That story couldn't have been more me.

Yeah, it was so me.

I won't say what town I was in because I'm still waiting to get caught.

But yeah, I was watching a lot of White Collar on Netflix, and uh he does like art crimes and stuff and uh yeah, I uh I was pretty drunk and um I just kind of like stumbled in the bathroom and then I the the frame like dropped on top of the toilet it broke the glass.

I ordered glass on Amazon to the hotel

I replaced the glass

and then and then I literally ordered touch-up paint and I touched it up and I was like this is really good.

Uh

This is really good.

There's no way that the art expert that's the maid that cleans the room

is going to be able to tell this is an original.

The front desk must have been like, this is the most courteous dude who's ever done Coke in any of our rooms before.

He ordered his own glass up to the rooms.

Oh, if I was that Coke, I wouldn't stumble.

Okay.

All right, that one.

I don't even think you didn't think that was funny.

You guys were like, that checks out.

Yeah.

Facts.

That's more of a mushrooms thing.

Alex, after three stories, where do our points stand?

All right.

In last place with zero points, Pete Lee.

In fourth place with two points, Valerie Vaughn.

Two points.

Valerie Vaughan is one fine piece I ask.

Two points, all right.

Two points.

Hell yeah.

You ever seen a couple guys high five over an 80s movie joke?

Sick.

Thanks for the high five.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

In third place with four points, Big Jay Ogerson.

In second place with five points, Louis Jay Gomez.

And in the lead with six points, Josh Wolf.

Pete, dare I say, you're going to have to pull your head out of your ass, or you're going to be watching somebody else go home with all because of you, which follows Lennon and Hayes as they navigate the pool between safety and risk.

Hayes has built a life centered on responsibility, putting his daughter first.

But Lennon has guarded her hard after past heartbreaks.

Working together forces them to confront old memories and decide whether they are willing to trust each other with a second chance.

Wow.

I think we can all agree that no matter who wins that book, I'm going home with it.

Somebody's going to the beach.

You're the only one who desperately wants to read it.

Hey, I know I didn't win, but could I borrow it?

Yeah.

I mean, just the tug of war between the hearts.

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

I have won many awards for my drawing and painting abilities.

Sounds like something I'd say.

I haven't, though.

Jay's also a very good drawer.

I don't know how he is at painting, but he's pretty good at drawing.

Never even tried.

It hasn't been Jay yet, right?

Nope.

But that doesn't matter.

No, no, no.

It's all randomly.

Oh, it's shuffled.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Blackjack.

I have won many awards.

Yeah.

This also could be Lewis, too.

Many awards.

That's a little braggadocious, which is also my pimp name.

I have won

many awards for my drawing and painting abilities.

I will say that right now on the show.

I have actually.

It would be childhood awards, too.

Oh, well, yeah, that is true.

I was pretty good when I was a kid.

Yep.

But I didn't win awards.

I didn't win a bunch of awards.

No.

Who would say the word abilities?

A woman.

Valerie Vaughan.

I think Joshua.

You think I'd say abilities?

Yeah, because you've been around for centuries.

Yeah, but we were chiseling rock and shit.

We weren't drawn.

You're in like old pictures that are in sepia tone.

When you have sick-ass monster cans, and James, do me a favor, write this down.

When you have monster cans, people are going to compliment all of your abilities and tell you that things are good.

You know what I mean?

If she tried to fix your brakes and just slapped it with a hammer, you'd be like, that was pretty good.

Yeah.

But would you win awards for it?

Yeah.

They'll just give you awards.

They'll just give you awards, for sure.

Look, this guy's lost so many awards to a hot chick.

Clearly, if you want this book here, take it.

You just have it.

I don't care.

She wins, you win.

I don't care.

I mean, if you want to both read it.

We can read it together.

Val, how are you at art?

Can you draw if you do artists?

I am horrible at art.

Really?

Yes.

Horrible.

I draw stick figures and like the when I draw like a dress on a girl, it's a fucking

triangle.

That's what a dress is.

That's racist hangman.

I'm not an artist at all.

Do you both paint?

The both of you?

Jay's very good at art.

Never painted in my life.

Not once, ever.

I don't believe that.

I can draw this one cartoon guy.

It's his nails.

He's lying to everybody.

I can draw this one kind of cartoon guy.

Pretty cool, though.

It's pretty neat.

He's got a hat.

Oh, let's do that.

Let's all draw a picture real quick.

Yeah.

Look at this little guy.

Let's all draw a picture guy.

You could draw me?

That's pretty good.

And look, I can make him giving a thumbs up, too.

Are we all drawing a person?

Yeah, a person.

A whole person or just a face?

Just a face.

Hold on.

Oh, just the face.

Hold on.

I want it to be good for some reason.

I'm going to give my guys some little chin hairs.

You guys are taking long.

Ooh, maybe some earrings.

That'll be fun.

Ooh, I'm going to give him an eyebrow piercing.

That's neat.

Maybe a little body.

I'm thinking a polo shirt.

I'm so sorry, Jay.

Oh my god, Pete, Pete, you drew Big J?

You just doubled his own joke.

You guys both called me fat and didn't listen to each other.

Can I be honest with you, Jay?

Like, I'm pretty fat right now.

And

I saw Jim Gaffer the other day, and I was like, oh my God, he's fatter than me.

And I got mad.

So I made a tit joke about you, but do you want to feel each other's?

Yeah, how does it feel?

No, don't do the bottom part.

Do the up top part.

Do the up top part.

All right.

Ooh, up top is real nice.

What about under here?

So is this everybody?

Up here is fucking rock solid.

Down here is a thing.

So is this everybody's guesses?

Wait, wait, I want to see everybody's.

Yeah, so you have to draw the person you guessed for.

Okay.

Oh, let me see yours.

I'm going with you.

Thank you.

Big J is at, and he could easily lie and say he said he's never painted.

I'm thinking this is Big J's first story.

You guys might have tried to not do that good, to trick us.

Oh, my God, you're a great thing.

First instinct.

Ooh.

First instinct, Big J.

Okerson.

Ooh.

I don't like that.

What?

You guys are all voting for me because I drew a really awesome, that one character I draw?

You guys are really jumping guns.

Jay, I'm voting for you, but because of my joke, I'm just writing Jay.

Okay, thank you.

Big, heavy, titted J.

C-cup J.

No, that's his bra size.

Double J's.

Someone's cleaning house.

It's right Lewis.

It's you or Valerie.

You write Lewis every time.

Oh, no.

You're an idiot, dude.

It's not.

It's really not.

Oh, is it really not this time?

It's really not.

Is this just you doing?

This is you doing.

This is Jay wasting time for no reason at all.

Why would I?

I wouldn't.

I don't know why you would.

Because this is not.

Somebody's getting a lot of points, and it could be you.

I'm starting to think it's not Jay.

Fuck.

Lewis Jacob Gomez.

Right?

Look at the tits on this pig.

God, everyone here is so fat.

Someone's killing it here, no matter what.

It might be Josh, too.

That could be Valerie trying to throw it over somewhere, trying to get it off of her.

Maybe.

Valerie,

who would want to get off on Valerie if it's you?

What?

Your son's here.

What is this?

Say ejaculate, dude.

Keep it clinical.

Sorry.

If this is you, dude, it's going to kill me.

Why me?

Because you're going to get so many points right here.

Everyone here is wrong.

You could take at least a point away from me by writing me.

Yeah, I know.

Math.

I'm playing this strategically.

Oh, you're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, oh,

there's one person you could have taken their points away.

You fool.

Alex.

Alex, whose story was this?

That story belongs to

Lewis.

Who would say drawing abilities?

There is a single breadth.

I have won many awards

for my drawing and painting abilities.

First grade Fire Prevention Award.

Second grade Fire Prevention Award.

Shoprite West Havishra Easter Coloring Contest with paints.

Another year, like three years later, Easter Coloring Contest with paints.

That's all my awards.

That's many.

Louis.

Nope, nope.

That was four.

What?

Four awards you chose.

That's many.

That's many.

I gotta say this, Lewis.

I know your dad was stabbed, so I'm so proud of you.

Oh, yeah.

I do forget your dad was stabbed.

I'm proud of you, too, dude.

Four awards.

I only know that because of roast battles.

I'm so sorry.

I said that.

That's okay.

No, don't worry about it.

Your dad would be so proud in Puerto Rican heaven, which is hell.

How could you say that about Bad Bunny?

Puerto Rican heaven, which is hell.

Alex, nice little shake-up just now.

Let us know where our point spread is.

All right, in last place with zero points, Pete Lee.

He's holding up the rear.

In fourth place with two points, Valerie Vaughan.

Miss Valerie Vaughn.

Tied for second place with six points each.

Big Jay Okerson and Josh Wolf.

And in the lead with eight points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Well, we are halfway through our game.

We have four stories down.

I'm in the lead.

I'm always in the lead.

I'm pretty good at this.

Let's do some plugs.

We have this whole second half of the show to get to.

It's really anybody's game.

So, but Josh, what do you plug in, my friend?

My latest special came out on my YouTube channel yesterday called The King.

Yeah, we got a latest special

film.

That might be the oldest thing I've done in a long fucking time.

My.

I got myself.

That was good.

That was good.

My latest special came out on my YouTube channel yesterday.

It's called the Campfire Special.

And I do a podcast with my son, my youngest son, called Hey Man, which is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a good time.

It's a good time.

What a dumb idea.

P.

Lane.

All right.

You can catch me this weekend at the Ontario Improv.

Is this coming out this week?

Probably a couple weeks.

All right.

Janesville, Wisconsin, August 22nd, 23rd.

Follow me on Instagram at Bill Cosby.

No, I'm just kidding.

It's at Peatly Peatly Peatly.

And please, that's all I care about.

Fuck yeah.

At Peely Peely Peely, do that.

I don't give a fuck.

That's all that matters.

Hell yeah.

Mallory Vaughn.

You guys can just find all of my stuff on getinthecar.com, pretty much.

And then get in the car underscore on Instagram.

Hell yeah.

Very cool.

Big Jay.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

Look for a city near you on Big J Okerson's Peter North American Tour.

Coming on a City Near You.

If you get it, you get it.

And of course, Bonfire, five days a week, Fashion Talk Series X7103

with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course, the flagship show right over here at Gas Digital, the motherfucking Legion of Skanks.

Oh.

And I've also started doing some live streaming, so follow my YouTube on that Big J.

Okrason.

Very cool.

Come see me live in the road to bring five friends who are coming to a city near you.

September, I got Portland, Maine coming up.

I got Key West, Florida, Levittown, New York,

and a lot of other stuff.

Go to LewisofSkanks.com.

Check out all my other podcasts, The Regs, Legion of Skanks, my solo podcast.

Get my book on pre-order right now, Knives and Spoons on Amazon.

And subscribe to Gast Digital, the brand new Gast Digital.

Go to GasDigital.com.

You get, there's like 30 episodes that aren't available anywhere else of Story Wars, plus pre-release on all the episodes, ad-free, uncensored episodes.

Gasdigital.com.

Use the promo code WAR.

You save $1.50 a month.

It supports the show.

Thank you very much.

You bought.

All right.

We have four final stories to go.

And Pete, you're probably feeling pretty shitty right about now.

Honestly, I've been getting laughs, so I'm all right.

No,

no, I've watched you throw a full-blown hissy fit.

You want this book and you want it bad.

I really do.

Well, here's the good news: you're not out of the game.

I'm not at all.

Not even sort of.

You can come back in one round because for the final four stories, we decide to go double points.

Let's go!

Holy shit, Pete Lee.

You're back, dude.

And we're back.

It's just like that, because before, if you fooled somebody, you'd only get one point.

And if you guessed the right story, you get two points.

But now that moves up to double points.

Self-explanatory.

Yeah, yeah.

You guys love double points.

I was wondering what was going to happen when everybody did it, but no, just you.

No, they love double points.

All right.

I feel like we're in Tommy Boy.

I'm like, you were there?

Second Tommy Boy reference.

So, Pete, in order to trigger double points.

You need to be a story warrior.

You need to have won an episode of Story Wars.

I get to do what?

Hold on.

I'm Josh Wool.

Wait,

what do I get to do?

Are you sniffing that market?

I need to win somehow.

I'm just coloring in my grays.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I once bought a piece of art from an antique store and it haunted my house.

I heard a man talking to me every night until I burned sage and placed religious figures all over the house.

And then

me and my friends built a Wickerman

and

we all all dance naked around a few.

Hey, hey, Val, I have a question.

So you got a house?

Mine burned down.

It did.

By the way, the week that my house burned down, Big J and Robert Kelly, medium-sized,

they went on their podcast and they're like, he was renting.

And I was.

Bobby Kelly was hurt by that.

He brought this information to me.

Dude, dude, dude.

He said that he gave you, and this is a fair thing.

So, by the way, I was

my like my house burned out of the Pacific Palisade.

So, everything I own and the place that I was renting.

The thing you don't know is I did own a house in the neighborhood.

So I did.

You survived?

Yeah, well, no, fuck no.

But we get like 10% of insurance.

But, dude, do you know how many, by the way, I love you guys for this?

I know your sense of humor is theirs.

So, can I tell you something?

They went on the week that my house burned out, and they're like, he was a renter.

Fuck him.

And I, like, can

this is being misconstrued can I tell you my whole uh you know how like old men's ears keep growing old ladies hands keep growing and uh they come up to me in airports so that clip uh on Fanon because I went on Fallon the next day after my husband done and old ladies hands just keep growing and 70 million people saw this thing and they're all old ladies and they fucking walk up to me in airports with their giant old lady hands and they lock me in

It's like five in the morning.

Imagine your greatest trauma in life.

They're like, I'm so sorry about your home.

And I'm like, fucking the fuck.

And every meet and greet I do, I'm so sorry about your home.

And I fucking love your awful fucking piece of shit fans.

That,

dude, in the middle of these old lady hands at my meet and greet, they're like, you fuck, you are a renter, you piece of shit.

And it makes me feel so good.

They buy tickets, though.

They buy tickets.

That's what's important.

They buy tickets.

They buy tickets.

And I love you guys so much.

They're consumers.

I had a house on the ocean.

I'm also catching a little bit of Bobby's shrapnel here because what happened was, and I understand Bobby's point, though,

was that

Pete was getting, people were hearing the story that Pete's house burnt down.

That's how you heard it.

Yeah.

And so

he immediately, everyone gave, to no fault of his own, everybody gave your home you owned burned down energy.

And then, and then it was like, it was a rental.

You're like, oh.

Yeah.

But I also went.

Somebody else's house burnt down that we don't know.

But your towels.

That's offensive.

What towels?

I'm so sorry.

This is a place to tell a joke.

I don't know where you stand in Israel, Palestine, but I argue both, depending on the Uber I'm in.

I'm sorry I said that.

But no, but yeah,

I didn't want to tell anybody about the other thing, but I even went on Fail and I was like, I was renting this house.

I even said it.

So I said it.

I vote for Val.

Come on, Pete, get your double points.

Yeah.

I don't believe in ghosts.

I don't believe in ghosts, you guys.

You're the only one with sage in their house.

I don't believe in ghosts.

I take that back.

I take that back.

I'm a male feminist.

Come on.

Val, you don't.

You think this is Lewis?

I didn't have time.

I'm too

hard.

It's definitely her.

I don't believe in ghosts, though.

I'm about to get

double points.

Didn't even give give me a chance.

No, I jotted it down before she finished talking.

All of her answers are in.

Story number five belongs to

Valerie Vaughn.

And you know what's funny?

Alex actually took out a story once while on my period.

Yeah.

We still knew what we did.

Well, it was I started my period in an art class.

It was a weird non-laugh.

That felt not supportive.

So you really, you, you really did hear me put a harder.

Isabelle, you really did hear a man talking to you every night?

No, I really did.

So I bought this piece of art.

It's like a long little rectangle.

It's a girl giving her dog a bath.

Like, what do you think is long?

Oh, my God.

That'll kill you.

Six inches.

It was pretty big.

But it's a a girl giving her dog a bath, and I hung it in my hallway.

And my house was so fucking haunted until I got rid of that thing.

It was haunted.

You heard a man talking to you every night?

Every night.

Did you just leave your cam open?

That would have been hard.

I was laying in bed, and I.

Did it sound like watching you sleep?

Did it sound like Pete at all?

You should totally pee.

Yeah.

My pain.

I'm not staying.

not paying for this by the administrative, am I?

Hey, ooh, I'm a ghost.

You should totally pee right now.

Is that the house that you live in?

Fart.

Yeah.

You totally have to fart.

You totally have to fart.

We could both survive on this plane.

Because you're so light.

Ooh, your bra's getting tight.

You should totally loosen them out.

Only touching yourself can free my spirit.

That's not what you do.

I don't know.

Can you maybe suck your own boo?

Where's this ghost?

15?

I hope that's what people are doing.

You should bathe your feet.

Ooh, that wouldn't be hot at all.

Sucking your own toes would probably make the spirits rest.

Yes, that's a girl.

That's a girl.

I care about you.

I care about your mind and your future.

And I'm not afraid of your past.

You should call me gay.

That was my grandfather's name.

Who owned the painting?

Shame my penis while I masturbate.

Tell me how small it is and how dumb I am.

What a loser I am.

This little dumb thing would never make you feel good.

I'm so close.

Oh my God.

I lost everything I own, but I actually have a lot of money.

And I'm one of the owners of Liquid Death.

Ground level liquid death.

Second floor.

So I'm sorry, Val, we interrupted your story.

Oh, yeah, there's a man speaking to you at night.

You had to burn flowers.

Nothing as cool as that.

I wish they were saying that to me.

That would be so much better.

Is it what they were saying?

You're going to die a bloody death.

No, he kept saying, I'm talking to your father.

He hates you.

He doesn't forgive you.

You'll feel the sting of a thousand spiders.

So this is what I kept hearing is terracotta eyes.

How creepy is that?

Terracotta eyes.

Terracotta eyes.

Just those words.

Yeah.

Just a jest.

And it's like a lyric?

It was like when you...

You're ruining.

It's like when

you hear yourself talking in your own head.

You think it was the Mexicans doing your tile were stuck in the walls or something?

Maybe.

Well, the guy that lived there before me also

dug out a huge hole in my backyard and buried all of his shit because he was a hoarder.

So I feel like there's just like that.

Buried his stuff.

All of his stuff.

He knows what's in there, yeah.

Currently?

Yeah.

When he said it, was it like Pete Lee Terracotta?

I got it.

Every moment of the night.

I think that was pretty quick-witted.

It was fantastic.

And it was one of Hart's three major 80s hits.

You guys are so young, you're like, that was like one of my mom's songs.

Alex, where are our points at?

Five stories in.

All right.

In last place with two points,

Valerie Vaughan.

In fourth place with four points.

Hello.

Pete Lee.

Let's go, Pete Lee.

Oh, my God, Valor, you're beneath me.

Welcome to the points party.

Tied for second place with 10 points each.

Big Jay Ogerson and Josh Wolf.

And in the lead with 12 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

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All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, story number six.

Story number six:

I've been to the same art museum over 100 times, but I've only gone inside once.

What am I?

Oh my God.

A $10 bill.

What?

Are you the devil?

You're the devil.

You're the devil.

Dude.

It sounds like such a fucking...

Do you have a suit jacket with question marks on it?

Yeah.

Almost for riddle of this.

riddle me this batman is there a subway stop near a museum well almost for the same reason i thought the story about the clogging the toilet was i know you sold tickets around the city a bunch so that's why i would feel hold on can you order drinks more loudly

with extra ice please

i hope he takes it literally oh oh sorry uh two beers

This strikes me as you selling tickets outside.

Me.

Yeah.

Selling tickets.

Well, you're not going inside because you're selling tickets outside.

All the Lewis does is sell tickets.

Damn, that's how you sound, idiot.

That was a supportive roast.

Oh.

Thank you.

Apologies.

I hope I made it for the dead dad being stab joke.

So.

Oh, wait, I didn't say that part.

I mean, look, I will say that.

I mean, you shouldn't play the numbers game here, but I've already had two stories out today.

It should be pointed out.

It's random.

It's random.

Hey.

There he is.

Yeah.

Hey, fuckface.

I know the rules.

I made them.

Dude,

this guy laid these bricks.

No, I made it.

I own it.

Yeah, I'm a brick layer.

Her nickname is Bricks.

I mean, no, look, you're right.

This is obviously somebody who has worked in a building that an art museum was in, something like that, right?

Oh, maybe.

Maybe it's SiriusXM.

Is there an art museum at Sirius XM?

No?

I don't think so.

Yeah, but

you're denying it like you denied the other two.

The exact...

Oh, he's a scumbag piece of shit like that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, with your Kaiser Sosi mustache.

Yeah.

Your deceptive fucking mustache.

I feel like some of these people, they've never seen the movie.

The context seemed meaner than it really was.

I know that's the joke that got into all line of Kaiser Solar.

There's no solar.

That's a fucking edgy comic.

Damn, dude.

You know what?

You walk out of my drop.

You teeter that line, people.

Yeah.

Yeah, Val, your mother warned you about me.

Valerie, you do a lot of person-on-the-street stuff also, right?

Sometimes.

Yeah, this seems like...

But I don't live in a city, so.

There's no art museum.

No.

Wait, what city do you live in?

Huntington Beach.

What's your address?

What time is your most vulnerable?

What time do you usually home?

I live in Huntington Beach.

Oh, in L.A.

Oh, I have a home there, too.

Is it burnt down?

That one's currently on fire.

Yeah, yeah.

I have a place here in Columbus Circle, and then I have a place in Beverly Hills now.

All right.

Pete.

Pete, what did you do with your last comic sending money?

How are you doing this well?

Would you get in ground-level Starbucks?

I invested it in gas digital.

Nice.

Oh, my God.

They're making tablecloth money.

Fuck me, dude.

I fucked up.

I sold early on that.

You did.

I mean, this could be anybody here.

I mean, I'm getting Big J Vibes.

Big J, you haven't had a store yet, right?

What fucking art museum am I going to?

But you didn't go.

You just stood out front.

Honestly, with those glasses, the MoMA.

I did.

Oh, I got an an exhibitor, isn't it?

Wow.

I've been to the same art museum over 120 years.

So being outside of it, smoking a cigarette.

This is near a comedy club or his job at SiriusXM.

I'm going Big Jay Okerson.

He's doing, look at his bad acting face right now.

Look at him.

Look at it, guys.

Look at it.

Really focus in on his face.

Look at it.

Jay, is this you?

No.

Yeah.

Jay, look at the crowd and let everyone know.

Is this you?

No.

Yeah,

that's a lie.

That's a lie.

That's you.

Yeah.

You guys are my blood fucking idiots.

This is Lewis.

It could be Josh again.

I'm going to put Josh because he's been alive forever.

That's true.

This could be over the course of seven years.

I have like not a lot of exposures exposures if you've been alive for centuries.

It's true.

I'm a Highlander.

And on my last life, I decided to podcast a new comedy.

Josh is

ignoring.

It's true.

I've been to New York City over a thousand times in my lifetime.

Josh has the same lifeline as the vampire Lestett.

Nice.

Sick reference.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number six belongs to Big Jay Okerson.

Sorry, I feel like I guided everyone towards you.

Wait, you said Josh, right?

What museum is this, Jay?

Come on.

Let me give you two seconds to think about it, and I bet you guys can finish the story for me.

Okay.

Come on.

We got to start it.

You said you're going to be a little bit more.

Where am I from?

Where am I from?

Oh,

you would cry outside of the Rocky statue like a faggot.

I'm not going in the fucking museum.

I'm going to run up and down the steps, do the Rocky thing, go pay my respects to the statue,

and then go about my business.

I've done that over 100 times easily.

Easily.

I've personally done that over a dozen times.

Yeah.

And I'm not from Philly.

What's the one time you went inside?

School trip.

They made us.

Yeah, yeah.

They made us.

We asked if we could just stay outside and keep going up and down the steps and jumping like Rocky,

but they it is what it is.

Dude, how do we not see that?

Huh?

How do we not see that?

We did.

Everybody except you did.

I was worried it was too obvious it was me, and I was right, except for you.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, back in last place with four points.

Pete Lee.

Yeah.

Back in last.

Back in last.

That was the most hurtful use of the word back

since I referred to my ex.

She had a bad back.

Oh, man.

Having a chick at RH, you have to describe as having a bad back sucks.

Hey, how's your girlfriend?

Her back's bad.

Wait, can I tell you guys?

Can I tell you guys my favorite?

There's a comedian out of Minneapolis named Dwight York that that needs to be shouted out.

He had this great joke.

He goes, he looked like he just got out of prison.

He goes, my girlfriend and I can't do it doggy style because she's got a real bad back.

I mean, she can get up on all fours.

I just don't like looking at it.

Shout out to Dwight York.

You know what's so funny?

You know, I know the name.

I worked with him one time at the Buffalo Chip and fucking Sturgis, at Sturgis Festival.

Oh, shit, yeah.

He was hosting the comedy show in the little fucking room there.

Did you fly into Minneapolis and he drove you?

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, he doesn't have a license.

No, not at all.

You guys want to have a nice reminiscing after the show?

This old story.

Well, let me get my points from my fucking sick-ass Rocky story.

Please.

Alex points.

In fourth place with six points, Valerie Vaughan.

In third place with 12 points, Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with 14 points, Josh Wolf.

Hey,

do I get a point handicap for my age?

No.

No, I.

No, my brain works a little slower.

No, I'd see.

You can't see that well.

Look, you can take it up.

You take it up with me.

You can take it with a position?

I dude.

I have to make sure I'm not sitting on my nuts all of the time.

Your face doesn't say that at all.

Yeah, but my nuts do.

Damn.

I'd like to see them one day.

They have the same hair.

Short curls.

Get a little bit of curl on the back.

Alex.

And in the lead with 16 points.

Lewis Jay Gomez.

Everybody, I couldn't warn you enough to get on your game for these last two stories because this club can't wait to throw out all because of you.

It's a second chance romance set in the close-knit community of Pine Creek.

Choosing each other could mean revisiting old wounds, but it might also give them the future they both want.

Their story is about the courage to open up again and how the place you once left behind can hold the love that you were meant to find.

That girl's got to go Jill Off.

That was so hot.

She's going to flick bean.

That was so erotic the way I read that.

Does Lewis win all the time?

Yeah, he's a cheater, and he works with the.

I don't cheat.

Everybody who works at the show and does the points and scoring also works for Lewis and is afraid of him because

he threatens them their jobs.

He threatens them physically sometimes.

And I've seen him hit him.

Yeah.

And the J stands for winner.

They're laying loads on you, dude.

Yo, Pete, these comedy loads.

All over you.

Yeah, but they were nice.

They were.

Story number seven.

How many stories left?

Two.

Sarah, can I get another Maker's Mark double?

I love you, Lewis.

I love you, Pete.

Wait, I mean, Val.

I do love you, Lewis.

Story number seven.

I finger fucked some dude's belly button at a music festival.

All right, can I say, you know, it's sandbagging myself, it's Valerie, me, or Lewis.

You guys don't know, but I fucking, I go to music festivals.

I'm not trying to cast reasonable doubt, but like, uh...

Which finger would you use to finger fuck a dude's belly button?

Well, this one, because this one's kind of mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that is true.

The pinky is condescending.

You're like, mmm.

The pinky's going to tickle.

You got to fill the belly button up.

If you get too deep, it's going to get that tickly tingle feeling.

But I am from the early 2000s, so I'd be like, Sufi.

Nice.

I like that.

That was a Dane Cook joke.

I love him, by the way.

He's a comedian from then.

I didn't mean to.

When you didn't laugh, that was hateful.

He's a friend of mine.

I made a joke about him one time on a podcast, and then we talked.

And he goes, hey, you made a joke about me, and it was hateful.

And I go, oh my God, I love you.

And we hugged.

And we kissed.

And

I fingered his belly button.

And

I love him.

So look, I'm getting Josh Wolf vibes.

I think the music festival was the original Woodstock.

And

yeah, it was a free love.

It was Jimi Hendrix.

It was free love, dude.

Fucking Santana was on stage just wailing.

You were like, oh, come here, dude.

You're an acid.

It was Altamont.

The Hell's Angels were getting a little rough with the people.

But so Kingswood, Deep Purple went on.

Everything was on fire.

It didn't matter.

Smoke on the water.

Fire.

Finger in this chip.

Smoke on the water.

Finger fuck a slut.

Bong gang, gong gang, gong.

Dude, that makes this one.

But yeah, you're thumbing it in.

Yeah.

That's button.

While you're grabbing top fat.

It feels though.

Oh, yeah, a little fupa and finger blast.

Fupa finger blast right there.

That's the motion.

Dude.

What a crazy thing to high-five on.

What?

My son is here.

Yeah.

No, your son is here.

He should know the things we've done.

We were friends for long before you were born.

Your father's a different man now.

Wink, wink.

He's in an urn.

No, that requires.

I want to say this is Val.

This is Val getting content.

Some fat guy came over, and you figure fucked up.

If it was me, I wouldn't have said some dudes.

Well, if it was you, the other one, you wouldn't have said sage and witchcraft.

That's true.

Hey, Val.

Hey, Val.

I've only known you today.

Yeah.

This many days?

This many days.

Nice.

And that was the finger that he put in that guy's eyes.

That's right.

This many days.

I've known you this many days.

I got to be honest, I don't know.

You don't have to go that that deep in a belly button.

The G-spot's pretty up front.

You keep doing it like this.

Oh, yeah.

That's how I get in there.

Come here.

Yeah, yeah, come hither, motion.

But I don't know you to be vulgar, even though you keep hitting your vape like a stripper.

Well, yeah.

I am pretty vulgar.

By the way, have you ever gotten a lab dance where she doesn't hit her vape?

You're like, all right.

Just give me one second.

Give me 90 seconds of attention.

Yeah.

Will you say the word, will you say finger fucked?

I finger fucked some dude's belly button.

Yeah.

Well, I'm done.

I'll see you guys.

Val, I swear I didn't want that for the clip.

Yeah.

I wanted it for journalistic integrity.

I don't want to make them my drunk.

Oh my god, I'm drunk.

I definitely think it's Val.

You think it's Josh, don't you?

Finger fuck some dude's belly button.

If it was me and I know that I'm most likely to be the only girl here, why why would I say some dudes?

You know?

Okay, Val.

It would be like I, I don't know.

Okay, Val.

I've been in a lot of narcissistic relationships

and I understand

through probable deniability.

Okay.

Are we drawing?

Do we draw the people in?

And I hope that we're not that.

Josh.

We're not that.

I promise.

Dude.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Josh is the only one here.

Well, not you.

Without that belly.

Josh votes for Val.

Val votes for Pete.

Pete votes for Val.

And Big J Arguson is drawing a way too detailed the picture.

It's Val.

Did we have to draw a picture?

I just was this time.

Are you drawing Jit Val?

Yeah.

But with big monster tips.

I think that's what Val's part.

Val's got way better hips than that, dude.

You're making Val look like a goddamn dude.

Oh, thank you.

Sorry.

Thank you, Lewis.

Let's just give her a big cock.

Do it.

Honestly, Val, if that's what's going on.

Give me a big one, though.

If you're going to give me one, make it big.

How's that feel, Pete?

With the big cock and Val?

Yeah.

Guys, I'm really good at drawing dicks.

Have you guys ever seen that episode of It's Always Sunny where the hot chick has the dick?

Yeah.

I was always like, that would never be me.

That's Val.

I've had three whiskeys.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Whose story was story number seven?

Story number seven belongs to Josh Wolfe.

Yeah.

No, this is Josh.

Look at the dick.

No, it's Josh's dick.

That's his hair.

I was taking mushrooms, and there was this big dude who was shirtless who was running up to people, and he was shaking his shirtless like this, and he was running around.

And that's how you met Big Jay Okerson.

Exactly.

Woo!

Gathering of the jugs, 2014.

But

he was running up to people, and I couldn't hear what he was saying.

And then he ran up to me, and he shook his belly at me, and he goes, How many knuckles deep do you think you can go on my belly button?

And I was like, what?

And he said, how many knuckles deep?

And I was like,

none, dude.

Zero.

And he said, everybody's doing it.

And I was on mushrooms, and I didn't want to be the only guy who didn't finger fuck this guy's belly button.

Went in Rome.

Right?

So I put my finger in, and it got stuck.

That's my asshole.

Dude,

it got stuck.

That's Rome belly button.

That's the stinky belly button.

It got stuck because with the sweat and the suction

and Chinese finger trap.

Exactly.

You got to push back in to get it out.

I had to push with this hand and when it popped out he turned around and he went, I finally found someone to do it.

And I was like, oh, fuck this guy.

How does this

and then I rubbed my finger under my brother's nose?

How does it correlate into art?

Val brings up a great point.

Because music is art.

I was told to interpret it however I wanted to interpret it.

Music

is is art.

I've had some acid trips, and I just right now was like, oh my god, I was there.

Yeah.

You were with me.

That was me.

All right, Alex, we have one more story, one final story.

All right.

Number eight.

Well, first, our scores.

You can go.

No.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

I don't want to run him off.

Okay.

I didn't mean to interrupt the show, but he just.

No, it's okay, Alex.

No, no big deal.

He just started a fight with our front row.

Whatever.

I would never.

Relax, dude.

You can't rob him.

He has no house.

I just have two apartments.

On the scoreboard in last place with four points.

Pete Lee.

But what you guys don't know is this last round is quadruple points

In fourth place

with six points,

Valerie Vaughan.

In third place with 12 points, Big Jay Oakerson.

And tied for the lead with 20 points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Josh Woods.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Woo!

Woo-wee!

It's a snobber knocking down here.

It's door wall, y'all.

We're getting crazy with it now.

Woo!

Bring it all home with the doorway.

Why going down that wild?

Don't do it now.

It's Puerto Rico versus somebody who's a descendant from Lucy in Africa.

Yeah.

A Puerto Rican and a 2,000-year-old vampire.

We actually found Josh frozen in Antarctica.

We unfroze him to be here.

The world's oldest man.

Jurassic Park Wolf.

I tried to get my grandkids to call me LeBron, but my son wouldn't let me.

I thought that would be the best one.

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I'm soaking my penis in it, but it has been doing something.

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All right.

Where were we?

Alex, our final story.

Story number eight.

Story number eight.

I worry that I might be Eskimo Brothers with Artie Fouquis.

Because every hot girl I've ever hooked up with in New York is friends with him on Instagram.

Valerie.

Now, it's not.

I don't know who that is.

No, I believe you don't know who that is.

Okay, Val.

Artie Fouqua.

I've heard it, but I really don't know.

I mean, I think there's a chance I'm Eskimo Brothers.

And I don't live in New York.

I would say there's, I'm very likely Eskimo Brothers with Artie Fouqua.

Everyone's probably Eskimo Brothers with Artie Foucault.

He's got a 12-inch penis.

He survived the Tracy Morgan coma.

Big eyes, Teflon.

Can you remind me what Eskimo Brothers is?

I bet you mean both slept with the same person.

Okay, okay.

Wait, Val.

Yeah.

You know, 12-inch penises.

Sure.

That's me.

I call my dick the weekend because it's never long enough.

I'm more like Labor Day.

That was a no-look joke.

I didn't even look at you.

Have you ever been with a woman?

Yeah.

You have?

Okay.

Oh.

Have you ever been with a woman who wants to also be with a 12-inch penis black guy?

Wait, what?

Have you ever been with a woman who would also fuck a 12-inch tick black guy?

Yeah.

No follow-up questions.

Wait.

Can I tell you guys what I did recently?

You guys know Instacart.

My Instacart dude was, dude, imagine a black guy that's so big that he takes up the full circle.

Done.

He's so fucking big that he's like, yeah.

And

I made him buy regular condoms for me on Instacart.

I think that's so funny.

There's no way.

He had to be like, yeah, these ain't for me.

Yeah, he was definitely telling.

He was like, I work for Instacart.

He had to be like, scan the code.

I swear.

My magnums.

While we're at it, get my big ones here while I'm here.

Yeah.

Yeah, he probably put it his own order in there.

I'm getting Big J vibes.

He's voting for Pete Lee very quickly.

I feel like this is Pete Lee.

Which I feel like he's gotten a little bit nervous with.

Well, yeah, we just got to say that.

Because I hook up with a lot of NYC chicks.

Pete Lee's the dick down.

Pete Lee, by the way, does

low-key hook up with some hot chicks.

Absolutely.

Can I also say in my defense that

in my 47 years of life,

which

I've acquired some wealth.

Like, if you and I were together, people would be like, that guy's got a boat.

That's all I want is a boat.

That's all I want is a boat.

I could get us one.

Pontoon.

I'd be bored with it.

But

yeah,

I've only been single for nine months of my life since I was 15.

So I'm doing a single year.

So I know, I know, not attractive.

But a challenge.

The guy.

Valerie, just so you know, though, I don't know if you heard, but the guy fills up regular condoms.

The whole thing rolls all the way down, probably even.

At least they're not extra small, though.

Dude, black guys buy them me.

Is that a thing?

Are extra small condoms a thing?

I don't know.

When I first met...

I don't think anybody would make, though.

If you make extra small, if you purchase extra small condoms, it's the night you're hanging.

They would never.

They would never actually.

Can I say something like that?

Le Petites money.

Le Petites.

That's the same night you're putting that on.

You're listening to

white satin and tying a noose.

I have a theory that when somebody cuts you off, you're not supposed to say it.

She goes, when I first met and then you cut her off.

That's fine.

Don't say it.

It's better.

Don't say it.

Yeah, but I'm glad he goes.

Don't say it.

Don't say it.

By the way, you weren't supposed to laugh at that.

I just want to let her know a rule.

She goes, when I first met, and he goes,

and don't say it.

Yep.

All right, this is either

Pete.

You're right, you're right.

Peter or Big Jay,

this is either Pete or Big J.

New York guys, been around the game for a long time, know Artie, likely Eskimo Brothers with them.

The only thing is I'm saying, Big J, and

I'm not even trying to take a shot at you right now.

Your penis is so small that

I'm just saying like facts.

So, your penis is so tiny that I don't know that I would be comfortable admitting that I might be Eskimo Brothers with RTV.

Yeah, I know, that's a strange thing.

That's a reflection because I know from that one time that you showed it to me, remember when you and Justin were masturbating in front of me?

Your penis was like problematic.

No,

James, James,

James,

it's not what you think.

Uncle Justin.

This is a manipulation.

No, Uncle Justin, your father thought it would be hilarious to have their wieners out when I came out of the bathroom once.

Hold on, stop right there.

It is.

It is.

Continue.

But I didn't know that your father's penis was out because his hand swallowed it like.

I don't know.

I'm sure you're fine because it comes from whatever your mom's dad's penis.

Thank God.

It's like your hair fine.

Thank God.

Yeah, the penis comes from the mother's dad.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank God your hairline and penis are coming from your mother and your mother's father.

Who I heard was doing all right.

Grandpa said at a hammer.

Grandpa Sidney?

I had a fucking hammer.

So anyway,

Pete Lee, Big J, Pete Lee, Big J.

I might be Argentina.

Oh, I suppose.

Can I ask this?

Please.

Do I have any chance of winning on this last point?

No.

Wait.

You're going Big Jay?

Do I have Betty?

I'm going Big Jay.

So I'm going to go Pete, so one of us wins.

You know what?

That's a great way to do it.

There is a tiebreaker as well.

So if you want to do Big J, you can as well.

But go Pete Lee because that's a fun way to end the game.

Yeah, let's do that.

Big J, okay.

Do Pete Lee, dude.

Do Pete Lee.

What should I do?

Val, just sit there and look pretty.

Val.

For the love of God, you're doing fine.

Val,

you won, okay?

Here's the book before the game's over.

Just take it.

Pete Lee, last one to vote.

Probably because it's him.

Shut up.

You've never invited me to Skank Fest.

That's not true.

Wow.

Well, I'll tell you right now Pete Lee if you submit next year I will put in a good word

with Rebecca Trent.

There's no fee

Can I can I say this $100 and a hotel room

Somebody somebody breaks heart

Dude Big J and I have the same lawyer or same

shut up

We have the same agent agent We have the same agent.

Justin Edbrook.

Will you do snake vest this year?

Please.

You're in.

You're 100% in.

By the way.

Wait, can I say this?

You know my martial arts background, right?

Play hardball, dude.

Play hardball.

That's right.

You're not even lying about it.

You actually have martial arts background.

Yeah, I was a national champion, kickboxer,

champion in Taekwondo and Hopkido.

Really?

What?

Let me tell you something, and I mean this is a compliment i would fight you in two seconds without even thinking about it

i'm saying clearly you might be able to beat the living shit out of me i'm just saying i wouldn't even think twice if i was like let's go fucking talk about it outside

and then i'll be banged up like this and go like fuck peely knows shit

big jay pee pee's looking for you what is he well tell him where i'm at

and then he comes and fucks my world up

honestly big j i would let you punch me until I was on the ground, and I would never fucking do anything to you.

Oh, until we kiss.

Until it turns into a full-blown makeup session.

Dude, I'd be like, Zip.

And he goes, God, how do you know what I like, Daddy?

But, Lewis, can I say this?

And I mean this fighter-to-fighter.

I love you.

And

you know this, that there's never been more people that have gone like, like, could you, every time I tell people I have a martial arts background, they go, could you beat up

Big Jay?

No, Lewis.

They go, could you beat up Lewis?

And I go, no, because you train.

Yeah.

You train.

And I haven't been training in years.

Yeah.

And I recently won a fight against six cops.

And I went to jail.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

And I was exonerated.

And

you were justified.

And I'm not kidding you.

Did you guys almost kissed

one of the cops.

If I text him after this, he will pick me up.

He's that good of a friend.

But

I'm so untrained, but everyone always holds, like, by the way, Joe Rogan, do you guys know him?

Have you ever heard of him?

He's a scientist.

From News Radio.

Every time I tell people about my martial arts background,

because

I'm a nightmare.

They don't don't even bring up Joe, they bring up you.

They go, Would you ever.

And one time we were at the stand table, and Derek Gaines and Maron Martin, and there was this racist guy.

He was

an Irish guy.

And he was like, Motherfuckers, I'm going to beat you guys up because they're both black, and I won't say the words.

And then we were sitting there eating.

Fatherless.

What?

He can say that because he's part of it.

But I'm 47 and I would spar with you

if we do it in a loving way.

But dude, where did you fight six cops?

What the hell are you skipping over that?

He changes over some of the pet shots.

Oh my god.

I recently won against six cops, but Josh.

Whereas one of them was my bet this week.

Josh, I fought them in the past.

Which you're familiar with.

Pete, are you saying, are you challenging me to a boxing match at Skank Fest?

Is that what you're saying?

I am, and I fucking, I hope,

I want to do a set.

I want to do a set.

I want to get my fat ass into shape.

Okay.

And I want to have a respectful fight.

Because everyone always,

by the way,

Pete, viral moment.

Pete, I want you to know something real quick before you say this.

And I want you to understand this.

Lewis is my brother, friends for over 20 years.

Yeah.

We're entwined and worked together in projects out the fucking wazoo.

I would take a bullet for this guy.

And I'm telling you, I'm rooting for you so hard

to, I mean, just

deliver the ass whooping of a lifetime to his face.

Wait, is it martial, is it a martial arts fight or boxing?

Oh, I hope it's guns.

Yeah.

You guys should have a duel.

Machete fight.

Pete, Pete, I'll tell you right now, let's talk over.

I'm actually looking for a boxing match of staying fist because I also need the reason to get back in shape.

Oh, you think you'll want Pete's ass super quick?

No, I think Pete's martial arts champion.

He might be able to fucking recognize that.

Oh, that's sarcasm.

That's not, he doesn't mean that engagement.

Jay really is.

Jay was in middle school.

He's like, oh, he's talking shit about you.

Oh, hey, black guys.

Those white guys are talking shit about you.

I wouldn't.

Look down with you guys.

By the way, I don't give a fuck about getting my ass ass beat.

I got my ass beat by the cops, and you know how they win?

Handcuffs.

I thought you beat them up.

Yeah, I did.

Until handcuffed.

Okay.

Dude,

it was shackles, and I was still winning.

Pete, let's talk about it after the show.

We have to get your final vote.

I love this.

I'm very interested in this fight.

You're the last person to put up a name.

Lewis, you're a martial artist, right?

So this is like SM, right?

Like, do you guys know SM?

You know, like, fucking where you're like, yeah, like, yeah,

SM.

But, but, you know, that this would be this would be something that would be like, like, we respect each other.

Yeah.

All right.

It's consensual non-consent.

Kill him, Pete.

Give him everything you got.

And I'll tell you what: if this is going down, I'll announce right now: I am willing to fist fight Valerie Vaughan at Skank Fest.

Gloves, no headgear.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

Wait,

Valerie, you uh.

How about Mud Wrestle?

That's perfect.

Let's do a Mud Wrestle together.

I'm going to try to just get you to 69, me, boss.

He keeps pulling me towards his face.

I'm like, get over here, you.

Dude.

Dude, that's so hot, all those cities.

But you have a boyfriend that's like right here, right?

Okay.

Well, then I can't say this.

Say it.

Say it.

Say it.

Say it.

You and I fight respectfully.

Yeah.

And by the way, like in the rules of sparring and fighting, and by the way, you can kick the shit out of me.

And I'll actually be like, oh my God, we're better friends.

Yeah.

I'm not kidding.

I've been knocked around and it'd be an honor.

I love that.

You trying to fuck or fight, dude?

Yeah,

he never said it.

Pete, I want you to take that fucking rental house burning down rage and deliver it all into this guy's face.

But the winner gets Valerie Vaughn.

Oh, nice.

Complete ownership.

I like that.

I like that.

For one year, you own Valerie Vaughn.

Sorry.

Where's your boyfriend?

Sorry.

You have to make your own fucking TV dinners, Deadbase.

And can I say this?

Sorry for the whole show.

I'm so sorry.

But we're taking her.

I'll be a GIMP.

Well, she's ours now.

I'll gladly be a GIMP.

But I'll take her.

Lewis, dude, literally people go,

I've had 14 people in my life that I'm scared of.

And you don't even know it.

You're number five.

I'm number five.

You're number five.

What makes me better?

Kelly Clarkson's number five or four.

That would have been funny if I didn't have a moment like this.

Some people.

I accept your challenge.

You're hammered.

Write the name down of your final answer.

It's the last story.

They're waiting to start another show.

We gotta wrap it up.

The club has asked the other club.

I know Mike Cannon and Brandon Sagalow are here.

Hell yeah, yeah.

Mike Cannon and Brandon Sagalow,

two former story worst competitors.

I can already tell the club, I can already tell the club did a thing where they were like, I don't know, shows him long.

I guess go be a presence in there and see if it makes them move quicker.

Unfortunately, Pete was facing away from them and just gave us a dissertation

on wanting to fight Lewis.

By the way, if it's Pete and he's taking this long to fucking vote, I'm going to kill him.

What was the question?

A new guy's leaving.

Oh, no, new guy.

All right, sweet.

All right.

You see, I'm just going to do Coke in the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

Final vote, Pete.

Hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I have to pee so bad.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It's like, it's like at the end.

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete has finally put in his answer.

All of our answers are in.

Alex, where are we at?

Holy shit, Alex.

Holy shit.

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, no.

Who was that?

The final story, but it was fucking Josh.

Two.

Pete Lee.

Wow.

Gallagher, motherfucker.

That was good.

He's an animal.

That was so impressive.

That's what the cloth is for.

Oh, now it's story words.

Pete, I feel like I already probably know this story.

Everyone's probably Eskimo brothers with Artie Foucault.

He laid them all out.

Yeah, it's like me and like our, like, one other lady.

You know the girl it was.

Oh, oh.

By the way, my beard is all wet.

All right, Alex, where are our points at?

I just want to say I agree.

I agree.

All right.

One more for me.

You just got hammered seven minutes ago.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't even know where I'm at.

But I do want to fight you respectfully.

Let's talk about it after the show.

I agree.

Respectfully.

Like, really respectfully.

Let's do it.

Alex, final scores.

We're going to wrap it up.

All right.

Our final scores in last place with six points.

Valerie Vaughan.

In fourth place with eight points.

Pete Lee.

In third place with 16 points, Big Jay Oakerson.

Oh, look at Christine.

Doesn't even believe in that clap.

She was like,

second place scored 20 points, and your winner tonight with 24 points.

Josh Wolfe.

Yeah.

Grandpa Josh Wolfe

Grandpa Josh Wolfe and Madame Wolf

guys autographed by N Thompson herself Wow

Josh you also can now trigger double points

Everybody wins Val, my son is here

My future son is here.

Yo.

Dude, your son thinks we are so awesome right now.

James, just so you know, when you're not around, we can do that whenever we want.

Just make girls do that.

That's just part of life.

We're pretty much rock stars.

Doesn't even matter.

Well, you want to see the Easter girls?

Oh, you're lucky.

I'm not going to do it, but I would if they wanted to.

Easter girls just rip them off in two seconds.

It's crazy.

Dude, we're doing a thing.

We're doing a thing.

He's trying to do it.

Ah, how about it for your newest Story Warrior, Josh Wolfe?

Hey,

guys, thank you so much for coming out to the Story Wars Live at the New York Comedy Club.

We really appreciate you guys being here.

Come every Wednesday night.

We're sold out every week.

So get your tickets in advance.

You guys are the shed.

Thank you so much.

Have a great night.

Good night.

Valerie Vaughan, Pete Lee, your new history warrior, Josh Wolfe.

We'll catch you guys next time.

Good night.