054. Patton Oswalt, Adam Carolla, & Jason Mewes | Day Jobs

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All right.

Let's start this motherfucking show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars, live from the comedy store in Los Angeles with your hosts, the Story Warriors, Big Big J Okinson, and Lewis, Jake Oman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

What the fuck is up, Los Angeles, California?

I'm so excited to be back here with this.

I will tell you right now, last time we were in LA, my favorite Story Wars episode that we ever did.

You guys are incredible.

You're incredible.

Says it every week.

You say it every week to every crowd, you piece of shit.

That's not true.

You're gaslighting the audience.

I only say it to crowds where future me shows up in the front row.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

Hello, guys.

Definitely you.

Look how much you're showing off your thighs in your older years.

Oh, I can't wait.

I can't wait to get there.

He looks so comfortable and happy.

Look at his.

Is that his uncomfortable girlfriend with him?

Do you know the show?

How many people here know the show Story Wars?

Who is unfamiliar with the show Story Wars?

Get him.

I'll tell you, you guys are in for a real treat tonight, and we will explain what the show is.

But you guys, we have an amazing panel, Jay.

We do indeed.

Do you want me to introduce the first person?

Please.

All right, everybody.

You know our first guest from the film Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay and Silent Bob strike back.

Jay and Silent Bob reboot.

He's the fucking most hilarious person in the world to almost all of us.

Make some noise for Jason Muse in the how.

Jason, very happy to have you on Story Wars.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

It's a big deal.

Our next competitor.

Sounded sarcastic is why they're laughing.

No, I understand.

It is.

It's a big deal.

It's a big deal.

It's a big deal.

But you did say it wrong.

You were like, Jason Muse, big deal.

It's a fucking huge deal.

No, you were taking it the wrong way.

I was saying it was a big deal for him.

I was taking it the way you said it.

No, that's not true.

You may have meant it a different way, but you.

No, you don't understand what I'm saying.

I was saying it's a big deal for him to finally get on the show like Star Wars.

All right, that I gotta back.

I gotta back that up.

I gotta back that up.

Our second panelist on the show, very excited.

You know him from the Adam Carolla show.

Clap it up for Adam Carolla.

Adam, so good to have you here.

Thank you for being part of the show.

My pleasure.

That was sarcastic.

I get to speak in front of people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is good.

This is going to be big for you.

Last but not least, our third and final contestant on Story Wars tonight.

You know him from Ghostbusters, Frozen Empire.

Ratatouille, who's the piece of shit who gave those as the goddamn.

How about a comedy fucking legend, everybody?

Make some noise.

Nobody thought he was going to be here.

Nobody.

Make some noise for Pat and Oswald, everybody.

Oh, it's groovy.

Hell yeah.

Pat, thank you for being here, even though it's considered career suicide to associate with us.

Yeah,

I'm just here to raise money for Diddy's Defense Fund.

I hope to win a lot of money for him.

My secret is not going to get pardoned, so we've got to do everything we can.

All right.

That makes sense.

Serafina, could you grab me my bag, my satchel, with my reading glasses, please?

You think she heard that?

Maybe, who knows?

She's probably freaking out in the back right now.

Yeah.

She's going to have to.

I've heard her just be like, fuck you.

Yeah, it's very possible.

It's very possible.

She's at her wit's end.

Is she?

Oh, nice.

Thank you.

For anybody here who is not familiar with the game Story Wars or people listening to home for the first time, it's a very simple game.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject.

Today's subject?

Day jobs.

Day jobs.

Ooh.

Day jobs.

That's right.

I'm sorry, I misunderstood.

I thought it said gay gay jobs.

Every story ended up with me blowing a guy in an alley.

Was it during the day?

Yeah, the light goes by the sun was.

Square sun was up, and I got paid.

Square biz.

All right.

Adam, we've all seen the man show.

We know.

We've seen the show.

That was one of the best segments.

It went viral.

All five of us have submitted stories on day jobs.

Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to read eight of those stories one at a time.

It'll appear here on the screen.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to convince everybody else in the panel that it's not your story.

If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Yeah, and every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

For every person that guesses you on the panel, I'm sorry, for every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

I'm sorry, I fucked it up too much.

I'm so good.

Patent Osborne's making me very nervous.

I am.

Okay.

I'm already lost right now.

Of course you are.

One more time.

Fumfering around.

Thank you.

Get away from me, Serafina.

Christ.

You're a child.

She's a vixen.

She comes onto all of us backstage.

Get the fuck out of here, you sexy child.

With your boobs that probably stand straight up and shit.

For every time, directly, it's two points.

For every person on the panel, you fool.

It is one point.

Once you write the person's name on the dry erase board, put it in the slot, remove your hand.

That is your final answer.

That's that.

And I'll tell you right now, gentlemen, it's a lot of fun.

We're going to have have so much fun.

For the people who haven't been here, it's a ton of fun.

But we are not playing for fun.

Jason, let them know what we're playing for.

Every week here on Story Wars.

Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library.

And today,

today's book, this week's winner, takes home At Home with the Queen by Brian Hoey.

At Home with the Queen is the true account of Angela Kelly, the Queen's personal dresser and close companion, who spent more than two decades living and working inside the royal household.

It's a behind-the-scenes portrait of daily life with Queen Elizabeth, told by the woman who saw her in moments both grand and ordinary.

I'm sorry, you guys came with a good night.

Your fans are going to rush the fucking stage to get that thing.

I'm I'm just saying, it's going to be really intensive.

I got this shit on audio already, so

I'll donate it if I win.

Plus, I went to DraftKings and put a lot of money down on Jason earlier today, so I may be phoning it in.

Those odds are still live if you're watching at home, everybody.

DraftKings,

I think this crowd understands what's happening.

I think our panel understands what's happening.

Are we ready for war?

Then, Alex, with no further ado,

story number one.

Story number one:

I worked at a video rental place when I was a teenager.

I would read negative notes about my family left by other employees on the computer.

We were on the do not rent list.

Hmm.

This is giving me

flicks of Pat and Oswald for some reason.

I don't know why.

So do we go in order?

Like, how does I still lose?

We're still lost.

No, no, it's okay.

Don't be lost.

So this actually might be Jason playing the game right now.

Yeah.

This could be Jason's story.

He's playing stupid right now.

Nope.

I think he doesn't know what we're doing.

And And that's how he's going to win.

Yes.

Damn it.

I can't wait to get fucking read that book, dude.

No, we talk out to see who we think it is.

Oh, okay.

And you can lie right now.

You can do whatever you want to do.

Hang on.

Doesn't this beg the question, who had a family that was so unpleasant, but they themselves were charming enough that the store was like, let's hire this kid from this family that we hate.

Yeah, they know the family.

So, yeah, they know the family, but this, so again, if we're talking about like insanely charming, kind of looking at Adam Carollon for a while.

Yeah, I don't know.

I do have a certain genesic.

I mean,

when Adam was a teenager, VHS didn't exist yet.

Yeah.

We used wax cylinders.

We had to wine the gramophone.

I feel like Pat and Adam are out on this one.

Yeah, they didn't.

By the way, video rental place implies not a chain.

Like, this is a real, like, there's a, like, the bead curtain for the porn.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

If those bead curtains could talk, I wonder if that worked.

They'd give up the names of a lot of priests.

The porn, it was funny what they'd used to delineate because there was a place that I went to that had old-time saloony western doors.

I knew a place like that.

And I always wanted to walk through it and go, all right, this porn section is only big enough for one retarded sheriff who's got to beat off by high noon.

Like, it's a weird thing, it's a weird thing, right?

Yeah, the fun of the saloon doors was if you squat down to look at a regular movie on the lower shelf near the saloon doors.

Oh, you get

some of the covers.

Little fat perf kid 101.

Yeah.

Or someone who might work at a video store would know that.

just a guy up here telling some jokes, man.

Talking of selling us restocked porn sections more than once.

Jason just fucking Agatha Christie.

That one.

That was a slip-up.

No, that was a slip-up, Mr.

Okerson.

I was taken to court by a video place before, a video rental place for not returning pornography.

That seems like that's a story for a different show.

All right, a different storytelling show that you're a part of?

It's literally a story for this show.

All right, so you had to be decent, but your family had to be

hot trash.

Hot trash.

Can I write that?

Now we write your name down.

Yeah, yeah, you can start whenever you want.

Whatever you want,

I am getting BJ vibes.

What?

Did you work in a video?

You did work in a video store.

What?

You guys probably know each other really well, too.

We do.

You do.

Can we Google shit?

Like, is he

no?

You know what?

I thought we knew a lot about each other, but I don't know what the fuck Lewis is talking about.

No.

What?

Did you work at a video store?

Yup.

Am I spelling it right?

I've never seen it.

I'm going to go with Quentin Tarantino and just fucking see if I can.

I'm going Big Jay over here.

Wait.

What?

Yeah, how are we going to decide?

And Bigger J?

Yeah, I'm going Big Jay.

It's not funny to me because he showed me the back.

He's right.

Oh, boy.

Which J,

Patton?

Oh, oh, sorry.

Hang on.

You writing gay is not going to delineate.

I thought you were going to put the...

I thought you were going to put the gir on the end.

All right.

Damn, someone's...

All right.

I'm gonna, who'd you guess?

You.

Are you out of your mind?

You've convinced yourself I've told you I worked at a video store in my life.

I mean, everyone voted already.

You definitely worked in a video store.

Thank you.

You forget that you tell me these things.

Never once for even a day in my life did I ever work at a video store.

There's nothing to lose now.

You've had like two day jobs ever.

None of them was at a video store.

I have not had a lot of day jobs, that's true.

But none of them was at a video store.

Uh-oh.

Never once.

There's nothing to lose now.

I guess there is nothing to lose.

I guess you're right.

You voted for yourself.

No.

Yes.

Bigger Jay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll bail to another man's piece if he shows it to me.

All the answers are in.

Story number one belongs to

Louis J.

Gomez.

Suite, now explain we all lose points.

No, I'm the only one who got points there.

Now, here's the thing.

I'll say, you know,

look, I win this game a lot.

I'm very good at the game.

I see the comments.

I read the comments on YouTube and people are like, dude, this show sucks.

Louis always wins.

I can't help being good.

I don't know what else to do except for being so fucking good.

Fuck,

it just fucking hit me, dude.

You know for a fact I never worked at a video store.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

It was Blockbuster Video, which was my least favorite job that I ever had in my entire life.

And yeah, me and my family, we would, I mean, we had multiple accounts.

My cat had an account, my aunt had an account.

So they would literally, they put my family on the do not rent list.

They had all of our names listed, and I got a job there finally, and I was like, oh, that's fucking crazy.

Because

you could put notes.

So I deleted all the notes, and

my family was able to rent again.

You built your family's name back up in the community?

But they never put together that you were part of that family or they just...

Lewis grew up like Gilbert Grape.

He

has always had to try to get the family better, taking care of a retard.

I was the retard.

Lewis was the, I'm sorry.

I was the retard.

Lewis was Arnie.

His sister was Gilbert Grape, and then

the fat mom.

Alex, after one story, where are our points at?

All right, on the scoreboard, all alone with four points.

Lewis J.

Gomez.

Wow.

What are you clapping for?

Aren't you bored of clapping for Lewis?

They love it.

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All right.

Where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

I answered phones in a porn warehouse taking orders for dildos, sex swings, nipple clamps, and fetish magazines.

Orders?

Hmm.

Hmm.

I've worked in a warehouse before.

Yeah, you got to like do like an order pick.

They give you a thing, you have to go.

That's funny shit to pull off a fucking warehouse line.

Wrong dildo, Johnson.

Well, the fact that the person's answering phones, that also.

Pen, you're a 50-year veteran.

That's insane.

I mean, I respect you so much.

You're a genius.

That could be.

That was insane what I just watched happen.

I got so excited with my little Agatha Chrissy thing.

a certain.

By the way, he said the N-word 13 times.

It's probably best.

Yeah.

13, I counted.

But that's all of them.

So they're done.

They're out.

Every variation.

Soft A, hard all of them.

It's like Meisner technique.

It's just different

technique.

All right.

This is, to me, feeling like Big J

and not based based on anything other than me not wanting to erase the last time I wrote it.

So it's mostly an effort thing.

You care about the environment, Adam.

No, I feel like any warehouse you work in turns into a porn warehouse just by you walking in.

If the place sold auto parts and you work there.

I work in an auto parts warehouse, and I did make it very pornography.

Hold on.

Lewis, is that true?

Did he work at an auto warehouse?

I don't know that he ever worked at a porn warehouse.

I think I would have heard this.

I will say right now.

I will lead everyone in and say, I don't believe that Big J

has ever worked at a porn warehouse.

I would describe him as a porn warehouse.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like his thing.

I'd be the guy yelling.

By the way, we're not going to believe a fucking word you say ever again.

It's true.

Ever again.

If the show's over and you're taking a piss and I hear water going into the toilet, I'm going to go, he's just dumping it out.

He's not pissing.

I fuck that guy.

He's listening to us while he's pretending to be a picture.

He's listening to us dumping water.

All right.

God damn it.

I want to say, Jason Music, being very quiet.

No.

Definitely wasn't me.

I wouldn't have lasted a day at a job like that because I would have been like, oh,

I'd be trying out all the products.

Sucking the dildos.

The dildos.

You would have gotten a high swing.

And

nipple clamps.

I would have been like, oh, this feels good.

While you're not manning the phones,

your phone is ringing non-stop.

Cranking your nips.

Sales have gone down this week.

All these butt plugs are smeared.

And it's the goddamn Christmas rush.

What the hell's happening back there?

Telling you.

I don't feel like you need a dedicated sex swing.

I feel like all swings turn into sex swings after the sun goes down.

It's true.

You go.

You have to pay double sometimes.

All right, we crossed the line.

You hear that?

I felt it.

I felt it.

You hear that, Twitch?

All swings are sex swings when Adam's around.

That's right.

We can ask questions.

Once the sun goes down.

As soon as the sun goes down, your sun's going down on me.

That's right.

It's sun with a you.

You know what I'm talking about.

What kind of park is this?

jason so i was gonna ask i can't ask a question i guess because that person would have to answer and then it gives it away that doesn't make sense they could just lie they could lie that's part part of the thing is trying to throw i mean the game would be a really short game if we just could ask and they had to yeah

i was i'm trying to

i'm thinking this has to be uh this has to be you have to be at least 18 to i would think answer phones and shit so it has to be

like

trying to think.

I think everybody's trying to deduce.

I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel like everyone here has been working in the entertainment as far as I know.

And I maybe let me Google it real quick.

No.

And that, like, since they've been adults, right?

And a lot, since they were like in their 20s, right?

No.

Basically.

How long have you guys been doing comedy and stuff?

I've been doing it for

a while.

I've been doing it forever.

Yeah.

Jay was a kid.

He was 19.

27 years.

Yeah.

I know who I'm going to write for the answer.

Big Jay walked right out of the video store and onto the stage at the improv.

That's how.

One nipple clamp still hanging off of him.

Corolla, I ain't going back, I told them.

I'm going to answer already, just because this is my feeling right now.

Corolla.

Jason, could you write it a little bit smaller?

Yeah.

I'm going to make sure that people look back.

It's your dry race board, man.

Use the space.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hold on.

I got on my jeweler's loop and found out it said Adam C.

Adam, you have.

Lewis has me so paranoid now to that last round.

He really does.

Yeah.

And by the way, you can, two stories in order is all randomized.

That's exactly.

Yeah, oh, it could be me easily.

No, it's not Lewis.

Wait, wait.

I've done this before, and I've been wrong, but this time I'm so right.

It's definitely not Lewis.

He would have told me this.

I agree.

I think it's Adam.

I think Adam Corolla has warehouse energy through and through.

Just whatever it is.

I can see you just on the floor, really in your space.

Why are you guys all?

I hate, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I hope I'm.

First off,

the notion that I could get a job that was indoors is completely off the table.

I was strictly an outdoor cat when it came to jobs.

Yeah, but a warehouse is the outdoors of indoor jobs.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Whoa, wait a minute.

That,

holy shit.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I got to go hike to the top of Runyon and think for a few hours.

That was.

Jeez, that was a goddamn Zen Cohen.

I knew as a comedian, but philosopher.

No, man.

It's above my pay grade.

What the fuck?

I'm about to blow your mind.

Uh-oh.

Because

Pat and Oswalt lived in San Francisco, where there's a bunch of weird fucking places like this that exist.

Wait, no, take my answer right now.

No, you can't kid.

No, I'm just kidding.

I take it very seriously.

Yes.

You're like, no, no, no, no.

There's rules here.

Look, my piggy was on.

There's chaos.

Hey, you said as soon as you take your hand off, I had my hand on it.

I've been watching your fingers this whole time.

Alex, all of our answers are in

Big J is correct.

That story belongs to Patton Oswald.

Just creepy warehouse south of market, and I would answer phones, and people would order, and I would get a lot of orders going.

Now, my billing address is this, but it needs to be delivered to this post office box.

Now, read the order sheet back.

I want to know that the delivery, and I had the power to just destroy lives for like

a year.

It was amazing.

Amazing.

It was before the internet.

Are people cavalier about asking for odd fetish magazines?

They're very, very calm until it gets to telling you where to deliver it.

And these were like the far end of the spectrum fetish magazines.

crush stuff, Shaiza stuff, just

like stuff that I didn't even, and I was a comedian and I didn't even want to, I'm like, I can't get any material out of this.

This is brutal.

It was just the worst shit.

No, you'd be surprised.

Yeah.

You really could.

You could definitely get material out of this.

Shit

pornography in general was pretty much my first 10 years and then my last seven.

Alex, two stories in.

Where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with zero points, Jason Muse.

And don't take such pleasure in it.

No, right?

Savor it.

In third place with two points, Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with three points, Patton Oswald.

That was a sweep.

It's almost a sweep.

And in the lead with four points, Lewis Jay Gomez.

Boo.

Boo.

He lies to his friends.

No, boo.

Wait.

Why does Patton have three?

Every person you fool.

Wait, where am I?

Every person you fool, you get one point.

Every time he gets the correct story, you get two points.

Wait, why also did he was like Jason Muse with last place?

I know, I didn't like that.

But what about Adam?

What about Adam?

She didn't even mention Adam.

She didn't even mention Adam.

Thanks a fucking lot, Jesus.

I said add to Adam, but you guys talked over me.

You didn't like my tone.

Hey, Alex, can you stop yelling at our celebrity guests?

Are you out of your fucking mind yelling at Jason Muse, you psycho?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I was told that.

You can't believe he's here in front of you.

Alex, story number three.

We gotta have a meeting.

Story number three.

I deliver liquor to a house with two girls sunbathing naked in the back.

Okay, cool guy.

I kept saying how big my dick looked in my shorts.

It was pretty cool, you know.

They both started blowing me, and then I...

Then I switched bodies with my dad and I won the rapping contest

at the prom.

It was pretty cool, man.

It was the craziest summer I've ever had.

Why did we buy that relic that we both both touched at the same time?

I used my massive hog to take down the door.

Thank God my dick was so big or else.

I probably would have died that day.

Louis, did Jay ever tell you this story?

I'm trying to gather clues.

All right, sorry, Alex.

Finish this story.

Alex, remember how you acted towards Jason Hughes, you fucking nutbag?

You're out of your tree.

You're out of control over there.

When did the cars moving and stereo start playing?

That's for the really old people in the audience.

Sorry, Alex, continue.

I delivered liquor to a house with two girls sunbathing naked in the back.

I went into the house to get a better view, but the girls went inside at exactly the same time.

I had to hide inside of a closet to avoid them.

I mean, this is a scene.

Yeah.

This is a Jason Museum.

Jesus.

Did you leave out Fade In?

I love the fact that the guy went in to see titties and then never came out of the closet.

Yeah.

Yeah, well.

A lot of range.

A lot of range, gentlemen.

Who's a...

Had he.

I just love the idea of trying to get a better view?

I can just imagine you going inside and just pulling your sunglasses down.

Doom, boom, boom.

And then hop on a stranger's skateboard and skate off.

Why did this person hide?

Because the girls came in?

They came inside at the exact same time.

Well, it looks like somebody snuck into the house to look at them naked in the back.

So they weren't supposed to.

I'm pretty sure whoever story this is is committing a felony.

Exactly.

That's what I'm saying.

Did they break into the water?

Didn't the show just a sting operation?

What is it?

Later, Chris Hansen arrived

with the Fresno Police Department.

It should read: I broke into a person's house so I could sexually assault two women.

Done.

I realized they could kick my ass, so I hid.

Corolla,

is this you?

No.

Yes.

China.

I think this is the man's show origin story.

Although it can't be Corolla because he goes inside the house, and as we know, he's an outdoor thing.

He needs to be invited in like the vampires and sinners.

I'm getting Corolla vibes again.

It's got to eventually be him, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

Yeah.

So kind of getting Jason vibes.

Jesus.

dude.

These are in no order, right?

No, they're all scrambling.

There's going to be two in a row.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Jason would not hide in the closet.

I would have pulled my dick and balls out and been like,

God damn it, I believe him.

I think it's.

Adam Carroll.

And

we were all today days old when we learned that Jason Muse speaks in third person.

I liked it.

I feel like it's Adam or Jay.

I don't know.

I'm trying to picture someone younger and afraid of pussy.

I'm sitting right here.

I don't know.

Someone who answers phones for dildos and shit.

I don't think it's afraid of your.

I was delivering nipple clamps.

Oof.

Man.

I don't think it's you, though.

It's not me.

If it is Jason Muse, this is dramatic.

Yeah, yeah.

If this is Jason Muse.

Well, you guys are waiting on me.

If this is Jason Muse, he really doesn't understand how to play the game.

No, I tore him between Jay and Adam.

He filibusters for 45 minutes, and then he goes, it was me.

Thank you, everybody.

All right.

I'm just going to go.

No.

Damn.

I wouldn't do a basic B and E to see Pussy Dude.

They're doing a second show tonight.

Oh, I'm going to go.

I'm going to go at him.

Welcome to the 2 a.m.

show.

Jason Mews was on the first day.

Come on, guys.

I need fucking points on the board.

He is.

Jesus, I don't want her to be like, and yet still again and still again.

Jason Muse Mews with zero.

She is not

been kind to you.

You've not been good to our friend Jason Muse.

All right.

Everyone's in, Alex.

Story number three belongs to

Adam Carolla.

Yeah.

You made the right decision.

The story is a little bit truncated,

not as simple as it reads.

Please take your time and be expansive.

There's a second show, I'm told.

And brevity's the soul of wit, so I'll keep it short.

But I was delivering booze for the Flask liquor store on Ventura Boulevard.

I was not delivering it to this house.

I was delivering it up a hill, and I realized my friend Michelle lives in this house.

And it was during the summer, and I was like 16, and I went to knock on the door.

I was going to say hi, and the door swung open.

And so then I walked in, and I saw her and her buddy Beth naked in the backyard.

And I was like, oh, dear God.

And I walked around the house to get a better shot from the master suite.

I didn't realize you knew them.

It makes it so much better.

Yeah.

Thank you, Mr.

Krillip.

Prosecution, your witness.

Would you like to take?

No?

All right.

And so.

I have nothing further.

The exact story you would tell that you heard dad if he caught you?

Yes.

They walked in as soon as I got to the back of the house, and I was cut off.

I could not get through the house because now they were in the house and I had to hide in the closet.

And

I lived off of my own semen for 26 years.

That's all I had.

Was rat-dropping.

The diary of Ann Spank.

That's right.

Yeah.

Thank you, Roots.

Yeah.

The Roots are always here on the street.

All right.

Do we really need to go to the tote board?

We can all do the math.

Adams fooled absolutely no one in that round.

Alex, real quick, where are our points at after three stories?

In absolute last place with zero points.

Adam Carolla.

Thank you.

In fourth place with two points, Jason Mutes.

In third place with four points, Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with five points, Patton Oswald.

Oh, yeah.

He's on your ass.

And in the lead with six points, Lewis J.

Gomez.

You know, Pat may be in fifth place

overall or in second place.

I don't know what you are.

Are you in second place?

I think second.

Second overall, but number one, an Anne-Frank double entendre jizz jumps.

Always.

Undeniable.

And I know it's been said.

Yeah.

It's been said many times, but it bears repeating.

I'll see you at my Mark Twain prize ceremony.

Thank you.

Adam, don't get down, man.

There's still plenty of chance for you to win this game.

It's just, I got kids.

They look up to me, man.

And when Papa comes home with a fucking goose egg, it's just going to be tough.

There's still a strong chance you get to bring those kids at home with the queen by Brian Hoey.

Oh, yeah.

It covers everything from state visits and royal tours to quiet mornings and private conversations.

Angela Kelly shares how clothes were chosen, how appearances were prepared, and how trust was built over time.

Her role went far beyond fashion.

She was a constant presence through the years of history, ceremony, and change.

Wow.

So it's not for nothing.

Well, like I said, I got the audio book, but it was read by Gilbert Godfrey.

So

I do feel like I'd like to turn some pages because I think it took away from the regalness.

It wasn't as regal as

I think.

It was a weird choice.

I'm sure it wasn't the first choice.

All right, boys, let's take a quick moment and thank Mando for supporting today's show.

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You got to switch to Mando.

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Yeah, if you're chasing after children, you don't want to chafe.

No, I'll tell you this.

I get Botox in my armpits, Lewis.

So I don't really have a bunch of armpit sweat.

That's not my issue.

But I will tell you.

You don't have to tell people that, Jay.

I feel like that's one of these secrets that I would take to my grave.

No, no, no.

I do it.

It's okay though.

They knock me unconscious and play with my asshole.

No, so that's not my issue.

But there's nothing, you're not Botoxin where your ball bag meets your fucking legs.

And that's where Mando comes in big time.

Look, all of their products are baking soda-free.

You just called me gay for Botox and checked out.

All of Mando's products are baking soda-free and paraben-free.

I know you don't like parabens in your balls.

Whatever they are, you don't want them anywhere near your balls.

No, not even anywhere.

If it's got parabens in it, dude, you're not coming near this sack.

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You're using Pro Sport, aren't you?

Yep.

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All right.

Where were we?

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

While working at a store, I would trust random customers to watch over the place while I ran out for coffee and donuts.

Big J.

It does, listen.

It does.

Well, here's

one thing that's my friend, you will know.

I don't drink coffee.

You're not even a big donut guy.

No.

There's gigantic fucking huge Skull Island donuts in the back.

Dude, I'll say everyone.

Fuck voodoo donuts.

What's the point?

Right on the show, I'll say it.

I don't need a whole box of cereal on top of a fucking donut.

Just make a goddamn chocolate donut or a glaze, you fucking psycho.

He needs all that shit.

Hey, a full Snickers bar and melted marshmallow and something that's shaped like a hippopotamus and fondant.

Yeah.

I'll just say this about, those are huge donuts.

Like you shouldn't, if you're eating a donut and it slips out of your hand and drops on your foot, you shouldn't break a toe.

That's too much donut, right?

Way too much donut.

Way too much.

In their defense, voodoo donut started in Portland, Oregon.

And Portland, Oregon, if you've ever been there, is the home of people who still eat like they're lumberjacks, even though the lumber industry is no longer happening.

They didn't adjust the calories down, so

every breakfast is 18 pancakes and a pound of bacon, and then I got to go design websites all day.

But they're still dressed in flannel and

there's a donut back there literally with bacon on it.

Oh, yeah.

It's insane.

They used to sell a donut with, and I'm not making this up, with Nyquil in it.

So you could eat it and then kind of a shot of Nyquil, and the city made them stop selling that one.

It's like a speedball.

Damn, dude, that was like a four loco of Fappy.

They had to stop it.

They knew it was a problem.

Get it out of there.

These guys are going down.

Okay, well, I ran and grabbed donuts and coffee.

Love a donut.

My favorite sweet treat is donuts.

I will say that right now.

Why?

Why?

But not.

I don't know.

What does that have to do with anything?

It's your favorite sweet treat.

So you would run out for coffee and donuts, perhaps you're saying?

I enjoy coffee.

This does sound like the kind of thing that Lewis would have the confidence to go, you watch this fucking place, I got to get a snack.

And then, like, and people would be like, fuck, we better watch.

Like, a threat.

That absolute force of will.

I could see Lewis doing that and successfully getting away with it.

Well, the guy, listen, let me tell you from knowing the guy, he's a fucking

conundrum.

Because

he would be the guy who he says would work super hard to compete with his friends to be the best worker at a place, but also would ignore the drive-through for a half hour so you can masturbate in the bathroom.

Yeah.

And any race, no

computer.

And he also, he would dig into the company.

He'd get into the mainframe.

He started changing shit at blockbuster.

It's like Band of Brothers shit, man.

I love it.

Beautiful.

Yeah, so this is like Lewis could be as good an employee, as bad as this employee is, and be this guy.

But for coffee and donuts strikes me as it wouldn't be the reason.

I'm in a French curler?

No, I just don't think it would be like you left for coffee.

What job could it have been of yours?

You would have left for coffee and donuts.

Wasn't my job.

You just jerked off at KFC?

No.

And then you're like, man, I need fucking coffee and a donut.

Hey, does somebody watch this drive-through?

Hold on.

Customer?

I've worked a lot of jobs.

Taco Bell, kfc shop right blockbuster video oh selling mango on the street

there's a tag team gaslighting going on over here like i know him so well

i know him so well i know everybody

i don't know what job this could be but this could be lewis but i don't want to vote for him because

i don't know i don't think it is here's what i'm watching happen right now jason muse is he's so happy that nobody is onto his steps right now

what he's doing right now he's holding his neck up real straight right now.

He's trying to smile.

I don't even think I can hold my neck up straight.

He's trying to not smile.

I'm watching like a vein start to pulse in his fucking forehead.

This is so obviously Jason Muse.

No.

Yes.

This is not.

We know it's Muse, baby.

You know it's not you.

Yeah, yeah, he's trying to pass it off.

You're doing a thing.

Yeah.

You're doing your thing.

You're going to lead everyone astray.

You're an idiot.

I'm not talking to anybody else.

I'm talking to you.

Talk to me.

Well, you know, it's not me because there's no prepubescent naked chicks.

Every one of my stories ends with a 13-year-old that's naked.

There's no child sex swing.

This is legally above board, so it's not Adam.

Yeah.

There's almost no trafficking involved.

Well, could the stories be the same place?

Like, could it be the warehouse?

Technically.

Could it be the warehouse that, like, he could have popped off

taking a rare?

He ran a person.

Watch this porn warehouse.

We haven't had a Lewis story, have you?

Hey, would you mind watching this porn warehouse?

Don't touch anything.

I know you're going to want to smell stuff.

Yeah, okay.

Patton, you son of a bitch.

Yeah.

How dare you?

I know he's doing the thing he did to me the first time.

Patton, what are you doing?

I'm going with Patton, man.

Oh, my God.

Let me this asshole conviction.

Why would you be mad if everyone's voting you?

Because you're giving Jason Muse a wild amount of points right now, you fools.

Well, we have to make up for how Alex has treated him.

Hey, can I ask a hypothetical?

If I get zero points this entire game, can I stay for the late one?

Yes.

That is an effect, and we've never had to activate that before.

Never score.

Okay.

Yeah, like a college football player red shirted the whole time, right?

It's a victory last night.

Still got eligibility for the late show.

Jason just wrote L,

scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble.

And then I think a pedophile swirl.

Yeah.

Lou,

Larn.

I figured it didn't matter.

No, we know.

I mean, Lewis.

Big L.

That was crazy.

Big L.

Don't judge me.

It's your fault to spell your name Spanish and pronounce it white.

You want everybody to get that?

The guy's a notorious pothead.

He was homeschooled.

You're going to go, it's Lewis.

And he's going to go, I'm looking at it, dude.

It's definitely Luis.

And you're going to be like, no, it's Lewis.

He goes, but you're making that decision.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number four belongs to

Jason Mews.

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

Oh, Jason.

You tell me a lot of things.

You lie.

You let him clean up.

Fuck.

Big Jay.

You're good, man.

You're a beer or me.

Give me a beer.

I need something to do.

I got to take take the edge off, man.

I've got to take the edge off.

Want the key with you?

Not that much edge.

So

does it matter who I vote for if I know it's my story and I lose or no?

Okay.

Yeah, it doesn't matter yet.

I didn't know if I like, wait till you all vote and I vote for myself and I get more points.

There's no point.

To be fair to me, I thought we were playing Storage Wars, and I love that.

I love that show.

And I've seen every episode, and I showed up totally prepared.

And then this shit show.

Oh, no.

This is a good one.

I was not expecting that.

I was thinking when I went to be here.

I was like, I'm not going to be $50 in cash.

That's right.

Yeah.

Me and Lewis are actually American pickers.

In our downtime.

So, what store was this, Jason?

So,

this was my comic book store.

Kevin Smith and I have a comic book store in New Jersey we've had for 26 years.

And I used to to work at the comic book store when it first opened and it was not only for coffee and donuts but I didn't want to get too specific which I realized like you were like well it's not him maybe because of coffee and donuts but it was also to go grab like heroin and crack so

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, not 20 years ago.

That's how long the store has been open.

But this was in when I was about, so when I started using when I was 21.

So it it was right around 21, 22 is when I like started using.

And like, I would go and I sometimes we get coffee and donuts, but sometimes also like the person I'd buy drugs from would be like, hey, I'm going to be at the 7-Eleven, so I'd like to.

Oh, perfect.

Coffee donuts and stuff.

Yeah.

Because I didn't want them to come to the store, right?

Oh, my God.

I didn't want the drug dealer coming to the store.

Yeah, dude.

I got confused.

I was like, Duncan sells heroin?

Yeah.

You get heroin.

Yeah.

Big bite.

Big bite hot dog.

America runs on H.

It really does.

But later,

later on, people,

later on, people would tell, like, years later, people would be like, you know that I just was at the comic book store like a year ago and Jay just left me in the store and asked me to watch it.

They would like tell Kevin, he'd be like, what the fuck?

Anyway, but yeah,

that's, yeah, that was me.

Hell yeah.

Good shit, though.

You fucking called it, bro.

What are our scores looking like, Alex?

At halfway points?

Oh, yeah, let's see this.

We already went over those, didn't we?

I think we all kind of get what the scores are.

I don't know why.

I mean, I'm going to tell you how to do a podcast, but doing them every single round, it's so monotonous.

At halftime, with zero points in last place, Adam Corolla.

Yeah.

You know, I did win the Times Toyota Grand Prix, the celebrity Grand Prix in Long Beach a couple years.

I just wanted to put that out there.

I know it's not a racing show.

Far more impressive.

I want to put it out there, yeah.

In fourth place with four points, Big Jay Okerson.

Yeah.

Tied for second place with five points each.

Jason Mews and Patton Oswald.

And in the lead with eight points, Louis J.

Gomez.

I'm allergic to winning.

I'm having a sneezing attack right now.

Look at the lights.

Tear at the lights.

Right?

No, keep your eyes wide open.

Hold on, dude.

It's coming.

I don't know.

The light makes you sneeze, right?

Yeah, I thought it.

Yeah.

Wait, are you...

Yeah, he's fucking.

I don't know, but it's one of those.

You're making me sneeze.

I don't know.

I'm like,

it doesn't feel like it's going away.

I told Serafina to get me napkins.

Serafita, where are the napkins?

Jesus Christ.

Idiot kids.

I am embarrassing myself in front of our celebrity panel.

Someone hand him up a napkin.

Who has an extra napkin?

Help him.

Oh, let's get the audience involved.

This is less embarrassing.

Yeah.

Yeah, hey, everyone through that's a lot of napkins.

Let's create a new strain of COVID tonight.

Look at those naps.

This couple fucks in the car a lot.

That's for stomach jizz.

Let's to wipe off stomach jizz.

You're gonna leave it?

Oh.

I'll put it in my pocket like an old man.

Thank you.

You want to use my hanky?

We are at the halfway point, four stories left.

Thank you, finally, Al.

You know how long you took?

I got it from a strange Puerto Rican in the front row.

Instead of you.

Lewis's future self handed him napkins.

A fucking time fucking wormhole almost opened up, you idiot.

If they see each other, one of them ceases to exist.

Did you even see Looper?

God, dude, I don't understand, James.

Real quick, we're going to plug some things before we go on to our final four stories.

Pat, what would you like to plug, my friend?

Oh, when does this drop?

It'll be out on our platform on Monday and then everywhere else next Friday.

So like, yeah, next Friday, or next Thursday.

There are still some tickets left

for my shows at Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh on September 12th and 13th.

And later this month, I'm not sure the date, I think it should be the end of August, I will be on an episode of Star Trek Strange New World.

So make sure

to tune in to that.

That was amazing.

Adam Carolla,

you get a plug even with a zero?

Wow.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

You don't.

Go ahead, Jason.

Oh,

check out Nagra.

Has there ever been an instance when you enacted the slaughter rule rule like in Little League when the nine-year-olds get beat 21 to nothing and the coach just calls the game?

Just like you just corral

the parking lot and just wait till the game's over.

It's getting embarrassing.

The slaughter rule made you feel like shit.

Can we just stop now?

It's over.

More harm than good, right?

Yes.

All right.

You can go to AdamCorolla.com.

I got podcasts and live shows and stand-up and all that stuff.

Very cool.

Jason Muse.

Thank you.

Same thing.

Jay Muse, J-A-Y-M-E-W-E-S.com for my live shows.

And I stream on Twitch, play video games, stuff.

I got an operator skin in Call of Duty, which is fucking my

amazing to me.

But yeah, check out my live shows.

I'm all over.

Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

I'm coming to a city near you.

I'm Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American Tour.

Coming on a City Near You.

If you get it, you get it.

Oh, yeah.

He shot big, big loads.

Adam's actually the person when I went to the show.

He's called his name when I said Peter North.

That's the thing he shot big loads in porn.

And he goes, oh, we had the decorator on the show before.

I never heard that term.

Decorator?

Ah, fuck, that makes me laugh.

That's a good...

I mean, you know, the hedgehog's still the best porn nickname, but the decorator's pretty good.

The decorator's a great name for a guy who cums massive loads.

No, no, no, he doesn't fully get it.

He would change your facial structure with cum.

Like he's redecorating.

Check out the bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series 67103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course,

them they, both my specials available on YouTube, both Crowdwork specials and

doing some new live streams on YouTube.

So fucking follow along with those, man.

I'm having fun.

I did my first one, so

stay tuned.

That's been a lot of fun just watching my fucking algorithm.

And of course, the flagship show at Gass Digital, Legion of Skanks.

Fuck you.

Come see me live on the road.

We're doing the Juggalo.

No, this will be out then, yeah.

Yeah, gathering of the Juggalos.

Gathering the Juggalos.

Week of the fucking weekend.

Yeah, yeah.

It'll be a lot of fun.

Come see me live on the road.

The Bring Five Friends tour wrapping up this year, guys.

It's going to be...

You know, bring four.

If you don't have five, that's okay.

I think some people get confused.

They think they have to bring five friends or not.

Don't come.

Yeah, or don't come.

No, no, you can come with just you.

It was just getting sad.

There was a lot of single dudes with beards in the audience.

And I was like, dude,

there they are.

Clap your hands if you're a single dude with a beard in the audience right now.

Yeah.

We know our audience.

A lot of lonely assholes that listen to our podcast.

Clap your hands if you're wearing somebody's merch shirt, banned or otherwise.

A lot.

Yeah, I know my audience.

A lot of merch shirts, man.

Yeah, so come see me on the road, Lewisofskanks.com.

Sign up for my mailing list.

I got got a book that's available for pre-order right now.

It's officially done, officially finished it this past weekend, so you guys can get it on Amazon.com.

It's called Knives and Spoons.

It's a cliffhanger.

It's a cliffhanger.

Who knows what's going to happen?

It's a three-book series.

And yeah, make sure you guys check out all the other pods I do.

The Regs,

Legion of Skanks.

Sign up for Gast Digital if you love the show.

We do a pre-release of this show every Monday just for subscribers.

It's ad-free.

It's uncensored.

There's an on-demand library.

There's maybe 20 or 30 episodes that are not available anywhere else in the entire world.

Gastdigital.com.

Use the promo code WAR and you save $1.50 a month on the premium membership.

Only the members are going to get to hear the and spank joke, by the way.

That's only for paid members.

That's it.

That's it.

You've got to be a member.

So look,

here's the thing, Adam.

You're bummed out, dude.

I would be bummed out, too.

Under normal circumstances, I would be bummed out.

But you don't have to be.

Jason, explain something.

Well, for the final four stories, every time we play the game, we try to make sure it's everybody's game because we go double points.

Thank you, Roots.

Quest love, everybody.

Quest love.

The people have spoken, they love double points.

Am I in mid-Somar right now?

What fucking...

This is just terrifying.

No.

We're all going home, right?

Or does only one of us go home?

Patton, you're the May Queen.

God damn it.

No, don't leave.

Yet, you're the May Queen.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, shit.

So, double zero.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how that works.

No, no, no.

It's before

if you fooled somebody,

you got one point per person you fooled.

If you guessed the correct person, you'd get two points.

But now that flips to double points.

Well, my grandfather used to have an adage.

He'd say, fool me once, shame on me.

You get fooled 129 times in one fucking show, you are a loser.

And it was pretty wordy.

And I didn't know what he meant meant at the time because I was seven, but it's not until this moment that I knew what that man was speaking of in 1974.

So, for that alone, I'm glad I'm here tonight.

Adam, you're gonna get to go into the Wicker Man.

Yeah, me and Nick Cage.

Too deep a cut.

Alex,

we're going to our second half.

Story number five.

Story number five.

I tore tickets at a cheap movie theater in the suburbs.

The staff was reselling half stubs to accumulate enough money to purchase fortified wine and stay drunk during work hours.

This isn't Lewis because fortified wine.

Me or him, we don't know what that means.

And I was I was trying to hear I would accumulate men.

All right, that one I got.

I think a fortified wine is basically malt liquor for white people.

Okay.

Okay.

That's basically.

But reselling half stubs.

Yeah, what does that mean?

Tour tickets, you give them the stub, and people get back into the theater or coming to the theater.

Seraphina just came up here, and I got a half stub.

God damn it, Lewis.

She's a kid.

She's a hot child.

She is a very pretty child, I could agree.

You're a very pretty child, Serafina.

You should be in pageants so other people can masturbate to your image.

All right.

All right.

Okay, working in a movie theater.

Jay, you never worked in a movie theater.

I would know this about you.

I know Jay really well, so this is an easy game to be able to do it.

You said he wasn't a lying sack of shit.

He's lying about it.

I'll tell you this.

I have no idea.

I do not trust a fucking word out of these.

He

is diabolical, and I'm tuning.

I'm sorry.

If I don't tune you out, I'm going to fucking go crazy.

You're right.

He's a terrifying man.

He's a twisted

fucking cannibal lecter sitting down that moment.

Every goddamn day I got to deal with this fat.

Pathological.

Sick to my stomach.

He's got a disease, man.

But I'm also curious.

I feel sorry for a story, bro.

I haven't had a story yet.

That's true, true but i will tell you this do you play do you roll like that does the show roll like that yes technically it's all randomized he does not have it was randomized but each story was one of ours right it does is not everybody submits three to five so it could be someone could have no stories there's been a lewis story hasn't there yes

but not a jay story

but that's what i'm saying there's been a pat there's been an adam a jay can i say don't try to play that don't play on that i'm not saying i'm gonna i'm not saying i'm not sitting i'm just unless, again, but Lewis

can play that way.

Because, all right, well, I'm telling you this, on my life, sorry.

Don't judge my sign again, motherfuckers.

On my life,

I still have no idea what fortified wine.

I don't know what it is.

This is how diabetic is.

And when this is all done, when he tells you, don't play that way, I immediately want to play the opposite.

Like, that's, you know what I mean?

Lewis is a he's difficult to deal with because he's fortified wine.

I don't know what fortified wine is.

You're given some all-good roller hockey nicknames, but

Ben, I appeal to you before you take your fingers off of that.

Not falling for it.

I don't get it.

I know.

Wait a minute, bro.

What would I gotta?

I'm gonna have to fucking say Lewis to stop him in case it's him.

This might be him, but I don't think he knows what Fortified One is, and I still don't know what it is.

He said it's like hooch, but I don't know.

Big J is doing an Emmy clip right now.

Look at this acting.

It's amazing.

I know.

Just deep.

We got three Big J's.

How happy are you?

Are you thrilled that they're saying me?

Look at me.

Are you bowled over with happiness?

This isn't me.

This isn't me.

Damn it.

It's not me, dude.

I love you, dude.

I'm telling you right now, it's not me.

I know it's not you.

I know you.

Have I ever worked at a movie theater, Jay?

Maybe.

I didn't know you worked at a fucking video store.

You knew I worked at Blockbuster Video.

I didn't.

See, I'm telling you,

he fogs men's minds.

You can't think straight.

I think what's happening right now is Patton Oswald is playing a high-level game of Story Wars, and he is throwing it on to me.

This is beautifully written.

There's like three or four big words in this sentence.

Nobody else up here knows big words.

Patton Oswald.

Oh, water.

You're fine.

You're right.

You're trying to show us how smarter you were than all these fucking retards.

And you're right.

You are.

And you showed your ass.

Lewis, you said it, Daddy-O.

This is Batten Oswald.

I'm on your ass.

I'm going to tell you something.

Uh-oh.

By the way, if it's you, I wish it was me.

It would break your heart.

Jay's heart would be.

Adam, you'd have to be here for the second show.

I couldn't do this shit for this second show.

I get too emotionally.

I'm like, you looked me in the face.

Wow, I'm like a hurt woman.

Alex, all of our answers are in after five stories.

Story number five belongs to

Pat and Oswald.

Fortified one.

There's no friends in Story Wars.

There's no friends.

No friends.

Can I offer up this little

slice of wisdom before we go up to the toadboard?

I don't know what what the score is, but I just want to sort of just

want to slide in this piece of wisdom.

And I've said it many times.

It's not pertaining to this.

But, you know, on Rotten Tomatoes, you go to Rotten Tomatoes.

I've argued this, and I think you'll agree with me.

It's just as difficult to get a zero as it is to get 100%.

I would argue that it's more rarefied air, that there are more movies that get 100%.

It's nearly impossible to get a zero on Rodney Tommy.

And I'll tell you right now, in the history of the show, we've never had anybody get zero on the movie.

Okay, that's

true.

But that's what

that's what we're saying.

That would be

in a weird way.

I would say you are the winner.

How do you think you'd get zero?

Again, back to the Ron Tomatoes analogy.

It's more difficult to get a zero.

I think that's what I'm thinking.

I think the goal now.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's damn near impossible to get a zero in this game.

Yes.

With that being said, you know, it's like getting pulled over and blowing a 7.3.

You know what I mean?

Like, come on, fuck it.

You got to tip your cap.

The fucking 0.09ers.

Fuck those.

The fact that you found the keys and got in and pushed a pedal at all.

Nice man.

You've overachieved by even being pulled over.

Yes.

And they're found.

We're all on the same page.

There's a certain nobility in zero.

Okay.

Alex, where are our points at?

Wait, did Patton tell us the story of the fortified women?

Oh, shit, I'm not sure.

That's literally what we would.

The theater was so friggin' cheap that they couldn't afford a ticket tear.

So I would sell the tickets in the booth, and then I would tear them in the booth and give them their subs.

And then the next person to buy one, I would just give them the other half, and we would pocket that much and create a pool of money.

Then we go down to the giant foods in the same mini-mall mall and buy a bunch of Night Train and Mad Dog 2020 and just be fucking hammered.

And we were showing the worst movies that summer.

It was like Who's That Girl and

Jaws the Revenge, like all these bad 80s movies.

And we were hammered.

The My Virginia summer.

I realized how crazy it is that Jaws, the Jaws.

The Jaws.

Followed the family to the Bahamas.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Followed the family.

He had bloodlust for this family so much, he took them on vacation trying to get over him murdering their family in wherever New York that was.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That movie is stunning still to watch.

Yeah.

And I recommend drinking a bottle of Mad Dog 2020.

Yeah, yeah.

A little bit of grape.

Some say Mario Van Peebel's seventh finest work.

Fuck.

That's so funny.

Alex, where are her points at?

I think she, we discussed it.

Stuck at the bottom with zero points, Adam Carolla.

Think rotten tomatoes.

Think rotten tomatoes, people.

Just as much skill.

In fourth place with five points, Jason Mews.

In third place with eight points, Big Jay Ogerson.

I'm here.

I showed up.

In second place with nine points, Patton Oswald.

And in the lead with 12 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Evil.

Evil.

Evil.

Let's move this along.

I got to get to Vegas.

I got a feeling.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number six.

Story number six.

I once argued with who I was told was R.

Kelly about his cable bill at one of my jobs.

Um.

All right, Big J.

Big J grew up in the hood.

I'm trying to get there.

He's trying to find.

I'm trying to find an angle on why it would be me.

Is this someone coming in to pay their cable bill, or is this someone that they were on the phone with?

I'm assuming they were on the phone.

One of my jobs.

That's a good question.

Okay, okay.

You know,

Trump's talking about pardoning P.

Diddy.

He should do P.

Diddy and then R.

Kelly at the same news, the same presser.

But they have to live together?

What a holiday sitcom.

What a great sitcom that would be.

One guy likes him young, one guy likes him bruised.

Now, what happens?

I'm walking on sunshine.

Whoa!

Can two sex criminals share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

It rights itself.

You spilled oil everywhere.

Who would be the Oscar and who would be the Felix?

I think R.

Kelly would be the Oscar.

Yeah.

And Pete Diddy would be the Felix.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Tony Randall type five.

I mean, I know it's been discussed.

So this was somebody arguing on a phone, and it feels like maybe the co-workers were maybe pranking this person.

Like, oh, this is R.

Kelly.

Or the person was

pretending that they were R.

Kelly's assistant and they were trying to get something for free.

Either way, there's a person who dealt with black people in their youth, and the only person up here that has that origin story is Big Jay Orchestra.

Yeah, you're right.

All right.

I didn't grow up in a black neighborhood.

But I don't think that affects my

being a part of this story.

You're saying it's

why would

being around

why would being around black people make me that I argued with R.

Kelly about his cable, Bill.

I don't even see the correlation.

You're falling apart, dude.

What?

I don't see your point.

You better ask for your lawyer, right?

You think I wouldn't have told you if I talked to R.

Kelly before?

You didn't.

You talked to somebody else that told you it was R.

Kelly.

It's a non-story.

Oh, fuck you.

You're being crazy.

Now I'm starting to wonder if anybody on that side of the table knows who R.

Kelly is.

I'm putting my face.

Really?

Yeah.

Come on.

Guys, you're being an idiot.

Trust me, I'm being stupid.

You're being a fucking idiot.

No, don't.

This is all gaslighting.

Oh, that was.

Okay.

This is soap opera shit now.

Let me just ask you.

Are you fucking two lemmings going to go along with this ass wipe?

Are you going to fall the guy who's got the hot hat?

I am so at fucking C right now.

God damn it.

I'm going to go at Adam.

What's R even stand for?

Robert.

A Robert.

Is Kelly such a long last name that we have to abbreviate your first name?

No one's got enough time in the day to say Rob Kelly.

Adam, let me rub your head for luck before I guess.

Okay.

God.

I.

It's not Lewis.

I know it's not Lewis.

Right?

Fucking good.

These two are.

I mean, guys, just put Big J down on the board.

Why would you?

That's not really a fun way to play the game.

Just to yell at everybody to put me down.

Why would he?

Is that far, guys?

Is that really fun?

It's probably Jason Muse.

It is, because that's what I'm writing, and you're an idiot.

Jason Muse, lock it in, two points for the big guy.

Oh, come on, Pat.

Thank you.

Nah, I'm going.

Have a suspicion.

I'm just going.

I have a suspicion.

Crazy.

I have a suspicion.

Did you draw my beautiful lips?

Wow.

Those are nice lips.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Tell me why this is Big J.

Story number six belongs to Big J Ogerson.

Yeah.

I don't make a lot of.

I think we did want points.

I don't make a lot of NASCAR references on stage, but what happened there, Lewis, is you tucked in behind me

and you just bump-drafted me right to winner circle.

That's what happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I worked at a, before DirecTV was called, DirecTV was called USSB, and I got a shitty job like just answering phones and billing department.

And they got a call, and it was from a Robert Kelly, and they were saying.

Accepted.

They had him.

The real bummer is that none of our panel get that.

He was like, I believe I did pay.

To this day, I don't know if it was R.

Kelly, but they put him on, they said like, yeah, that was a big thing.

R.

Kelly has an account with us.

It was very new.

And I was like, oh, that's.

And then one time Robert Kelly called it and they put it in the queue.

And they were like, you want to answer it?

And I was like, yeah.

He goes, he's three months late.

So they want me to get on.

And I went on the phone and argued with what I just choose to believe to this day was

music hit maker.

Number one selling artist, national touring.

And we'll leave it at that.

Let's leave it right there.

Let's get the next question.

We're good, right?

International pay-to-ho,

Robert Columbar, Kelly, Kelly.

Wow.

And

I believe that, I still believe to this day that I did that.

And I don't know if I, I don't know if me telling him that his cable is going to get cut off is what sent him into that spiral.

But I don't know that it's not.

So to those girls and their families,

I apologize.

Wow.

That's big of you.

That's powerful.

Where's my camera?

Alex points

in last place, but now with four points,

Adam Carolla.

By the way, I don't want to go happy Gilmore on your ass, but if this was golf, I'd be dominating right now.

So think about it.

In fourth place, with five points, Jason Muse.

In third place with nine points, Patton Oswald.

In second place with twelve points, Big Jay Okerson.

And in the lead with 16 points, Louis Christ.

Jay Gomez.

I don't want to win.

I don't know what to do.

Stop cheating.

It's a skill and a curse.

I do get accused of cheating so much now.

People are like, he just cheats.

They're right.

You're in cahoots with a full staff that fears you.

You govern by fear, and they will tell you whatever.

There's giving you a buzz in your pocket or something.

Oh, I want to bring it up.

I texting you all the stories before I came in.

You asked, I'm going to.

You fuck.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just.

I think it's like that chess champion.

I think there's some sort of anal probe situation coming up.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

They're zipping him.

I just have a giant black dildo in my ass right now.

Every time Lewis says a name,

who knows when every time Lewis says one person's name, he'll be like, Pat, let me ask you a question.

Adam Lewis.

Oh,

I'm going to go Adam.

Also, he farted out my name in Morris Code back in the green room.

So that's when I got suspicious.

Yo, it's Louis J.

Gomez and Big Jay Orchardson coming at you like Cleopatra from Story Wars, the wildest game show podcast in the world.

Man, we're hyped to talk about Brunt Workwear, the boots that got our feet feeling like they're on vacation while dodging verbal grenades up here.

Jay, what's the deal with your brunt kicks?

Yo, Lewis, I'm rocking the Marin six-inch soft toe.

Check these bad boys out.

Ooh, straight out the box, These things are comfier than my couch.

Most boots I've worn, weeks of breaking and torture, walking on bricks.

But Brunt, it's like they hugged my feet from day one.

Oh, that made me miss my mom just now.

Yeah.

Anyway,

I've got the toes waterproof safety toe.

Look at this beast.

Plaid.

I'm stomping around like I'm ready to build a skyscraper, but they feel like my favorite snakers.

Other brands, forget it.

Blisters for days.

Brunt's built for real work, no breaking BS.

And And they've got pants, jackets, the whole deal.

Tough as hell, but comfy.

Jay, you think these boots could survive your stand-up rants?

Survive.

These could survive your Puerto Rican temper tantrums, Lewis.

That's actually racist.

It was a little racist.

Guilty is charged, though.

Also, it's racist that I use them for style, but you use them for day work.

Are you a Mexican day worker?

Do you work 16-hour days for $16?

Are you tired?

Are your feet feeling so bad?

Squeezing up in my very uncomfortable boots.

Your feet are going to feel like they're on a

trying to think of the Spanish word.

You're going to feel like you're walking on clouds as we send your ass across the border the same way you came.

It's going to feel like your feet are in candy.

Yeah.

You feel like sneakers when I take the long walk back to my dangerous village.

When I'm swimming through swamps, my bronz workwear, they feel so good.

Eventually, I will be killed because I cannot afford to pay the cartel anymore.

But I say, bury me in my bronze workwears.

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Alex, how many pesos is $10?

We just want to make sure that everyone knows.

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All right, where were we?

We're down to our final two stories.

Final two stories.

Oh, yeah.

Alexandra, story number seven.

Whoa,

story number seven.

I was once fired from a day job after lying about coming into work.

My boss had called me from my own desk to ask me how the day was going.

That's fantastic.

This is tough.

This is fun hijinks.

Yeah, this could be anybody up here.

That's also a great story.

Hmm.

You had to have a desk, though.

That man limits.

This came from my own desk.

That could be a warehouse, Adam.

That's true.

Or a blockbuster.

Absolutely could be a blockbuster.

Wait, you don't have a desk at blockbuster.

No, it's just the desk.

The counter, desk, the counter.

That's true.

That's true.

You know, Socrates once said the warehouse is the indoors, outdoors.

I think that's him.

I think he

quoted some of that.

That's going to haunt me.

That really will haunt me.

I might actually have to go write that down.

I fucking own a warehouse.

I'm not going to work today.

Oh, shit.

So I I was fired from a job.

A day job.

All right.

It's not you, Lewis, right?

Look at me.

That's all.

I just need you to look at me.

You toughen my eyes.

Yeah.

It's not you.

I've actually, I don't, I've.

You never had a desk job ever.

Well, I've had desk jobs, but I've never been fired, really.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, you...

You have worked at gyms.

Maybe you did that.

It's a guy we know, Jim.

He's got a.

Jude.

All right.

Let's see.

Dude,

I feel like Patton is too responsible

for this kind of behavior.

He was robbing people and buying hooch at a liquor store.

He worked at a dildo warehouse.

Once you ship like 50 dildos, the laws don't apply to you anymore.

Time doesn't mean anything.

International waters, that bitch.

That's done.

Yeah, you're done.

After all, Patsy said, I realize he actually fits in with the Legion of States.

Thank you.

Thank you.

One of us.

One of us.

I'm getting Corolla vibes on this.

I'm getting them to the only thing I'm bumping up against is the desk.

Yeah.

That's what I'm bumping up against.

Well, it was a child's desk from an elementary school.

If there's a chair welded to it, it doesn't really count.

Not Henry Ford at that point.

Yeah, you don't have a...

No, Adam's all outside work.

I'm a setdoor guy.

He never worked a job, and no job with a desk at all.

Why should I tell you?

You're fucking dominating this game.

That was like, there's no fucking chance Jason Muse had a desk job that he had called from.

No.

I'm in your office, Jason.

Yeah, let's.

I'm going to go Adam.

I think.

I can't imagine Patton has another story.

Thanks.

All the great.

You've already told that one story you tell.

So you're all the great friends.

I don't mean that.

I'm saying they already told two of his stories, but I don't think it's it's random.

I don't.

Jason is right.

All the great comedians max out at two stories.

A warehouse.

That's how you become a legend, kids.

You never do more than two.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I just don't imagine they picked.

You got to know when to walk away.

It's random.

I don't think it's random.

I think they're picked.

It is random.

It is random.

It is all randomized.

100%.

All right.

Well, then I'm an asshole.

By the way, Lewis's butt implant just went off to make him say random over and over again.

Yeah, random.

Okay, random.

I said it.

You are vibrating.

All right, I went with Adam because Lewis said.

Just followed me.

You just follow me straight to the story.

Follow me straight to hell, my friend.

Alex, all of our answers are in seven stories.

Holy shit, you guys.

Oh, fuck me running.

Who is it?

What is it?

Oh, what?

This story belongs to Lewis Jay.

Holy shit, am I kicking ass in this game?

Damn, I wrote Lewis first.

Fuck!

The stakes of this game has just gone to nothing.

There is no way anybody on this panel could possibly catch up.

Go ahead, tell us your stupid story about that one desk job you had.

Remember, I used to ask you,

dude, I thought he was just a friend of friend.

Guess what the shop was?

Equinox.

At a gym.

It was at New York California Racquet Club, and I used to live walking distance from the, it was in Gram Mercy, and I would, I set my desk phone to forward to my cell phone.

So I just like lie in bed and get gym calls.

Like I was just like jerking off and smoking weed.

And my boss.

We're having a two-week offer.

And my boss, he called me and he's like, Hey, how's the day going?

I was like, Great, dude.

It's the best day I've ever had.

And he's like, Yeah, I'm sitting at your desk right now.

And I was like, Uh,

man, yeah, they fired me.

That was my last job.

And he was like, You're like, dude, I can't jerk off at my desk.

You freak, fucking weirdo.

Alex, I really did clean up.

Thanks to double points.

I

yeah, I really

do we need to do the last cat.

Not really.

We don't have to, but for the fun of the show, why not?

Where are our points at, Alex?

All right, in last place with four points, Adam Caroy.

Why take the dig?

In fourth place with five points, Jason Mews.

Oh, the claps have gone down to patters.

In third place with nine points, Patton Oswald.

In second place with 12 points, Big Jay Oakerson

Lewis has 47 points.

Savior claps

and in the lead with 24 points

Lewis J Gomez

let's do let's do like the the ultimate last question round where you get 20 points for this feel

let's do it feel whoever gets his fucking

20 points Patton can win everybody can win if it's a 20 point

yeah come on bro you said you don't want to fucking win

Hey, Louis, me and Jay have discussed.

And we've decided for the first time ever to give just a chance to people on the panel.

Our last question is going to be quadruple points.

Yes!

Oh, Lewis.

I love all of our little monsters.

This is unprecedented.

Wow.

All right, so you're saying I got a shot at eighth place?

I just want, look, Lewis, you're going to win this thing.

Just let me read a couple of pages.

Just let me read the fucking forward, would you, bro?

Come on.

Just seriously.

Give him a taste.

Give him a taste.

Let me me wet my peak.

It's just a glossary.

Let me just look at the fucking glossary.

Seriously.

This could change everything.

Does Lewis win?

This is the first time we've ever done this.

This is huge.

So it's every

person you fool, you get four points.

And every time you guess the story correctly, you get...

Eight points.

Okay, this is huge.

It's huge.

This is huge.

Normally, before Lewis makes a proclamation, this biggie has to talk to his manager.

But in this case, we're going for it on the fly.

We're doing it.

Wait.

Yeah, Jay.

It wouldn't change.

It actually also wouldn't change anything.

For the first time ever, we're going

send tuplet points.

I love that half the audience is holding up seven fingers, the other half's holding up three and a half.

You got a lot of fun.

I probably didn't say it right.

It's okay.

No, no, no.

Jay, if it's your story, you can get 16 points.

So there's two people in the panel that can still win.

It's my name.

People have spoken to it.

They want Septuplet points.

Fine, for every person you fool, you get seven points.

Every time he gets the story correctly, you get 14 points.

First time in the history of Story Wars.

Wait.

Ew, that works out.

I don't think Adam could win.

So for the first time ever,

what's 10?

DECA points!

Yeah!

So what happened that night, Patton?

I don't know.

Big J,

he just went crazy.

I don't know what

he kept upping it.

There was a mood.

I heard that people got the same vibes at Altamont.

Like, it just was

really out of control.

But every time you fool somebody, it would be that many points per person.

Yeah.

I think we could have stopped back at a quadruple.

Yes, I said that.

Oh, quadruple then.

I think we've committed to set a couple of points.

Yeah.

All right, I've had to piss for like 20 minutes.

All right, what's this?

I'm not telling you how to run your show.

Bring it home.

I was at Woodstock 99, and I was not that frightened as I am right now.

This has gotten really dark and weird.

If you guys are thinking this is all just for bullshit, remember, eyes on the prize.

You can take home at home with the queen by Brian Hoey.

Do you even realize that it offers a rare look at Queen Elizabeth II through the eyes of Angela Kelly, her longtime personal dresser and trusted companion?

Kelly paints a picture of a monarch who is sharp, grounded, and surprisingly laid back in an intimate account of a royal life told by someone who spent years by the queen's side, choosing outfits,

sharing quiet moments, and witnessing history from inside the palace.

So, with no further ado, Alex.

Just

had

just realized that it was written by the perspective of the Queen's dresser, and it really tickled them.

I just watched him lose it.

I'm so happy right now.

He's not happy after it.

Just the person who dressed her.

The one who dressed her.

It's a pretty thick book for that, I think.

But yeah, nice and thick.

Alex,

stir it in Marie.

Story number eight.

Someone in my family was sick and had a living nurse.

What?

Every once in a while.

Alex,

letting us live.

all nurses that are going to live in the sick family are living.

What's the alternative?

You need to take it to bed.

My grandfather's got a rare thing.

He needs a nurse who is

under brains.

A living nurse, good.

Yes.

Mus empty bedpan.

Chain sheets and colostomy bag.

Wait a minute.

It is called visiting angels.

Someone in my family was sick and had a live-in nurse.

Every once in a while, she would give me a call asking me to meet her someplace where she would have sex with men and squirt breast milk on them.

It turned them on for me to watch.

Well, that's the origin story of someone who's doing heroin by 21.

Big J.

I mean,

if you're correct, you get

14 points.

14 points.

Very nice.

There are too many clues in this room.

I'm sorry.

I mean, so is it the family member that squirted the breast milk or was it the live-in nurse?

But would it turn on the nurse or the men or both?

Like, was that part of it?

Would she tell the men, like, and by the way, this kid's watching us.

He's going to be in a movie someday and do heroin.

You're not going to believe who this kid's going to be, who you squirt.

Well, so, this, how is this anybody's day?

Whose day job is this?

The nurse?

What are we talking about?

What the fuck just happened?

His job was to.

Although, wait a minute.

Lewis is right.

Was this person paid to go watch?

Because then technically this is their day job.

There's no kickback.

Right.

What's the vague on this?

You know what?

The vig is memories.

You're right.

Beautiful memories.

Beautiful, beautiful memories.

Sometimes the most important thing.

Yeah.

The best Vig of all.

Thank you.

Beautiful.

I am getting Jason Muse vibes right now.

Of course you are.

He seems to know a lot about this, though.

He did, though.

I will say that.

I'm going Patton, bro.

Now, Pat's not

watching...

a woman squirt breast milk.

He was a child.

He's not.

He was selling dildos.

He told me backstage he was lactose intolerant.

So this can't be him.

This could, don't be surprised if this is quietly Adam Corolla.

Well, this is anyone's game.

I'm putting my final vote in.

Jason Muse.

Sorry, Jay.

I just sabotaged your chance of beating me.

I haven't experienced this kind of drubbing since dancing with the stars.

All right.

You're in the mix.

Can I vote for myself?

Everyone picked Jason Muse.

Dude.

If it's you, Lewis, I'll kill myself on stage.

I swear to God, if it's you,

I don't know how, but I'll do it.

Now if it's not Jason Muse, whoever it is, is going to probably win the game right now.

I hope.

Wow, you're good at math.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Final story.

The final story belongs to

Jason Muse.

Which means nothing.

This is mainly a 21 years.

The origin story of a 21st century.

Yeah, I love that.

That was amazing.

He knew.

He knew right away.

So what it was, sorry.

I did get paid.

Oh.

Memories, dude, memories.

You're by the quart or the gallon.

It was just straight up.

Sometimes it was for milk, sometimes it wasn't.

Milk money.

Someone was really sick of my family, and this nurse took care of her.

But she would call me and be like, hey, man, do you want to meet me here?

And I'm going to have sex with this guy.

And he likes when someone watches.

So I would sit in a chair and watch her like squirt milk on him.

The crazy thing is, her kid was like 12 years old, like 12 or 14 years old.

Well, she was still producing milk, is my point.

Oh, otherwise they could have had him come watch.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Do you have a kid to do this?

The first time she did it, I was blown away because the kid's like 14 and she still somehow was producing milk.

But yeah, whatever.

How old were you?

It was last week.

No, no, no.

I was, my mom,

I was 20,

26, I think.

I was like 26, 25.

It was when I was doing drugs again.

Anything first for a fix.

You said it.

You called me.

Yeah, but this chick, this nurse, I'm picturing a Jamaican obese lady.

Nicknamed the decorator.

Not obese, but on the thicker end.

On the thicker end, but but uh, yeah.

Anyway,

I feel like it got real quiet, like it's almost too weird.

Oh, I mean,

if you're watching out there, Jason misses you.

Yes.

I don't why haven't you called me?

What the fuck?

I don't want to get political about the ethnicity of the nurse, but these people come to our country and they do the jobs.

They do the jobs we won't do.

They clean our toilets.

Here we go.

They bust our dishes.

They make our food.

They squirt and lactate on the elderly.

They do the jobs Americans won't do.

Let them stay.

Let them stay.

Let them stay.

Let them stay.

That's right.

That's right.

Are you going to pick cabbage in the hot sun or lactate all over a loved one?

No, they're not.

I see the lazy in their eyes.

Who's gonna clean your hotel room?

Who's gonna squirt milk juice all over Nana?

Exactly.

This guy.

That's right.

You're making it.

Why is it Nana?

Alex, let's make it official.

What is our final score count?

All right.

In last place with five points.

Jason Muse.

What the fuck?

I went from fucking tits.

I don't get first-round draft pick next year.

I have to see right now.

I'm a Tonado, motherfucker.

You were trying to tank it.

You were trying to tank it to get the first-round draft for the next round.

For the late show, it's going to take mayhem.

Fucked me.

God damn it.

I can't win for losing.

In fourth place with 18 points, Adam Carolla.

It's fucking so many points.

It's so many points.

It's so many points.

Ironed every one of those.

In third place with 23 points.

Patnaws won.

Yeah.

That's a crazy amount of points.

And your winner tonight

with the highest score in Story Wars history

with 38 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

How the fuck was this my idea to quadruple the points and I come and made me go in last bucket place?

Because what we ended up doing was

set top points.

Louis Jay Gomez, congratulations, you fuck.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I love you so much.

Having a big round of applause for our panel up here on Story Wars.

The great Pat Noswal,

the great Adam Coroa, the great Jason Hughes.

I am Louis Jay Gomez.

He's the great Big Jay Oakerson.

This is Story Wars.

We'll check you next week.

Good night.