054. Patton Oswalt, Adam Carolla, & Jason Mewes | Day Jobs

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Speaker 4 Great news, everybody.

Speaker 9 Story Wars merch store now up and functioning.

Speaker 11 Everyone, get your goddamn merch right now.

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Speaker 13 What's going on, Story Warriors?

Speaker 8 If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7.45 p.m.

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Speaker 16 Hey, before we start today's Story Wars, let's talk about our amazing sponsor, Yo Kratom. Yo, Kratom, our marquee sponsor of SkangFest every year.
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Speaker 19 All right.

Speaker 17 Let's start this motherfucking show.

Speaker 20 Fill her up.

Speaker 20 You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Speaker 23 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars, live from the comedy store in Los Angeles with your hosts, the Story Warriors, Big Big J Okinson, and Lewis, Jake Oman.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 27 Wow. What the fuck is up, Los Angeles, California?

Speaker 29 I'm so excited to be back here with this.

Speaker 5 I will tell you right now, last time we were in LA, my favorite Story Wars episode that we ever did.

Speaker 32 You guys are incredible. You're incredible.

Speaker 33 Says it every week.

Speaker 34 You say it every week to every crowd, you piece of shit.

Speaker 29 That's not true.

Speaker 35 You're gaslighting the audience.

Speaker 30 I only say it to crowds where future me shows up in the front row.

Speaker 35 Hello. Oh, my God.

Speaker 10 Hello, guys. Definitely you.

Speaker 33 Look how much you're showing off your thighs in your older years.

Speaker 25 Oh, I can't wait.

Speaker 5 I can't wait to get there.

Speaker 30 He looks so comfortable and happy.

Speaker 33 Look at his.

Speaker 38 Is that his uncomfortable girlfriend with him?

Speaker 39 Do you know the show?

Speaker 9 How many people here know the show Story Wars?

Speaker 29 Who is unfamiliar with the show Story Wars?

Speaker 43 Get him.

Speaker 47 I'll tell you, you guys are in for a real treat tonight, and we will explain what the show is.

Speaker 5 But you guys, we have an amazing panel, Jay.

Speaker 48 We do indeed.

Speaker 39 Do you want me to introduce the first person?

Speaker 25 Please.

Speaker 28 All right, everybody.

Speaker 9 You know our first guest from the film Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob.

Speaker 27 Jay and Silent Bob strike back.

Speaker 22 Jay and Silent Bob reboot.

Speaker 40 He's the fucking most hilarious person in the world to almost all of us.

Speaker 51 Make some noise for Jason Muse in the how.

Speaker 5 Jason, very happy to have you on Story Wars.

Speaker 52 Thank you. I appreciate it.

Speaker 47 It's a big deal.

Speaker 5 Our next competitor.

Speaker 9 Sounded sarcastic is why they're laughing.

Speaker 10 No, I understand.

Speaker 5 It is. It's a big deal.

Speaker 32 It's a big deal.

Speaker 39 It's a big deal.

Speaker 53 But you did say it wrong.

Speaker 10 You were like, Jason Muse, big deal.

Speaker 33 It's a fucking huge deal.

Speaker 32 No, you were taking it the wrong way. I was saying it was a big deal for him.

Speaker 56 I was taking it the way you said it. No, that's not true.

Speaker 39 You may have meant it a different way, but you.

Speaker 6 No, you don't understand what I'm saying.

Speaker 36 I was saying it's a big deal for him to finally get on the show like Star Wars.

Speaker 28 All right, that I gotta back. I gotta back that up.

Speaker 28 I gotta back that up.

Speaker 5 Our second panelist on the show, very excited.

Speaker 46 You know him from the Adam Carolla show.

Speaker 45 Clap it up for Adam Carolla.

Speaker 48 Adam, so good to have you here.

Speaker 33 Thank you for being part of the show.

Speaker 58 My pleasure.

Speaker 60 That was sarcastic.

Speaker 45 I get to speak in front of people.

Speaker 61 Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good.

Speaker 62 This is going to be big for you.

Speaker 34 Last but not least, our third and final contestant on Story Wars tonight.

Speaker 65 You know him from Ghostbusters, Frozen Empire.

Speaker 39 Ratatouille, who's the piece of shit who gave those as the goddamn.

Speaker 39 How about a comedy fucking legend, everybody? Make some noise.

Speaker 53 Nobody thought he was going to be here. Nobody.

Speaker 66 Make some noise for Pat and Oswald, everybody.

Speaker 25 Oh, it's groovy. Hell yeah.

Speaker 47 Pat, thank you for being here, even though it's considered career suicide to associate with us.

Speaker 48 Yeah,

Speaker 68 I'm just here to raise money for Diddy's Defense Fund. I hope to win a lot of money for him.

Speaker 65 My secret is not going to get pardoned, so we've got to do everything we can.

Speaker 69 All right.

Speaker 60 That makes sense.

Speaker 50 Serafina, could you grab me my bag, my satchel, with my reading glasses, please?

Speaker 71 You think she heard that?

Speaker 47 Maybe, who knows?

Speaker 72 She's probably freaking out in the back right now. Yeah.

Speaker 35 She's going to have to.

Speaker 52 I've heard her just be like, fuck you.

Speaker 9 Yeah, it's very possible. It's very possible.

Speaker 71 She's at her wit's end.

Speaker 71 Is she? Oh, nice.

Speaker 65 Thank you.

Speaker 34 For anybody here who is not familiar with the game Story Wars or people listening to home for the first time, it's a very simple game.

Speaker 34 All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject.

Speaker 76 Today's subject?

Speaker 53 Day jobs. Day jobs.

Speaker 25 Ooh.

Speaker 77 Day jobs.

Speaker 76 That's right.

Speaker 79 I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I thought it said gay gay jobs.

Speaker 79 Every story ended up with me blowing a guy in an alley.

Speaker 62 Was it during the day?

Speaker 73 Yeah, the light goes by the sun was.

Speaker 79 Square sun was up, and I got paid. Square biz.

Speaker 43 All right.

Speaker 68 Adam, we've all seen the man show.

Speaker 35 We know.

Speaker 68 We've seen the show. That was one of the best segments.

Speaker 37 It went viral.

Speaker 34 All five of us have submitted stories on day jobs. Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to read eight of those stories one at a time.
It'll appear here on the screen.

Speaker 34 If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to convince everybody else in the panel that it's not your story.

Speaker 34 If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

Speaker 5 For every person that guesses you on the panel, I'm sorry, for every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

Speaker 57 I'm sorry, I fucked it up too much.

Speaker 24 I'm so good.

Speaker 81 Patent Osborne's making me very nervous. I am.

Speaker 82 Okay.

Speaker 24 I'm already lost right now.

Speaker 25 Of course you are.

Speaker 24 One more time.

Speaker 49 Fumfering around.

Speaker 54 Thank you.

Speaker 83 Get away from me, Serafina.

Speaker 84 Christ.

Speaker 85 You're a child.

Speaker 5 She's a vixen.

Speaker 29 She comes onto all of us backstage.

Speaker 39 Get the fuck out of here, you sexy child.

Speaker 76 With your boobs that probably stand straight up and shit.

Speaker 81 For every time, directly, it's two points.

Speaker 5 For every person on the panel, you fool.

Speaker 36 It is one point.

Speaker 81 Once you write the person's name on the dry erase board, put it in the slot, remove your hand.

Speaker 3 That is your final answer. That's that.

Speaker 5 And I'll tell you right now, gentlemen, it's a lot of fun.

Speaker 3 We're going to have have so much fun. For the people who haven't been here, it's a ton of fun.

Speaker 86 But we are not playing for fun.

Speaker 5 Jason, let them know what we're playing for.

Speaker 5 Every week here on Story Wars.

Speaker 76 Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library.

Speaker 85 And today,

Speaker 62 today's book, this week's winner, takes home At Home with the Queen by Brian Hoey.

Speaker 62 At Home with the Queen is the true account of Angela Kelly, the Queen's personal dresser and close companion, who spent more than two decades living and working inside the royal household.

Speaker 71 It's a behind-the-scenes portrait of daily life with Queen Elizabeth, told by the woman who saw her in moments both grand and ordinary.

Speaker 68 I'm sorry, you guys came with a good night. Your fans are going to rush the fucking stage to get that thing.
I'm I'm just saying, it's going to be really intensive.

Speaker 55 I got this shit on audio already, so

Speaker 79 I'll donate it if I win.

Speaker 79 Plus, I went to DraftKings and put a lot of money down on Jason earlier today, so I may be phoning it in.

Speaker 40 Those odds are still live if you're watching at home, everybody.

Speaker 89 DraftKings,

Speaker 5 I think this crowd understands what's happening.

Speaker 9 I think our panel understands what's happening.

Speaker 87 Are we ready for war?

Speaker 39 Then, Alex, with no further ado,

Speaker 90 story number one.

Speaker 91 Story number one:

Speaker 91 I worked at a video rental place when I was a teenager. I would read negative notes about my family left by other employees on the computer.
We were on the do not rent list.

Speaker 92 Hmm.

Speaker 76 This is giving me

Speaker 27 flicks of Pat and Oswald for some reason.

Speaker 93 I don't know why.

Speaker 52 So do we go in order? Like, how does I still lose?

Speaker 81 We're still lost. No, no, it's okay.
Don't be lost.

Speaker 6 So this actually might be Jason playing the game right now.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 60 This could be Jason's story.

Speaker 5 He's playing stupid right now.

Speaker 24 Nope.

Speaker 70 I think he doesn't know what we're doing.

Speaker 68 And And that's how he's going to win.

Speaker 94 Yes. Damn it.

Speaker 52 I can't wait to get fucking read that book, dude.

Speaker 70 No, we talk out to see who we think it is.

Speaker 21 Oh, okay.

Speaker 6 And you can lie right now. You can do whatever you want to do.

Speaker 24 Hang on.

Speaker 68 Doesn't this beg the question, who had a family that was so unpleasant, but they themselves were charming enough that the store was like, let's hire this kid from this family that we hate.

Speaker 9 Yeah, they know the family.

Speaker 68 So, yeah, they know the family, but this, so again, if we're talking about like insanely charming, kind of looking at Adam Carollon for a while.

Speaker 93 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 79 I do have a certain genesic.

Speaker 55 I mean,

Speaker 29 when Adam was a teenager, VHS didn't exist yet.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 79 We used wax cylinders.

Speaker 54 We had to wine the gramophone.

Speaker 35 I feel like Pat and Adam are out on this one.

Speaker 66 Yeah, they didn't.

Speaker 34 By the way, video rental place implies not a chain. Like, this is a real, like, there's a, like, the bead curtain for the porn.

Speaker 66 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 20 Oh,

Speaker 25 yeah.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 68 If those bead curtains could talk, I wonder if that worked. They'd give up the names of a lot of priests.

Speaker 79 The porn, it was funny what they'd used to delineate because there was a place that I went to that had old-time saloony western doors.

Speaker 38 I knew a place like that.

Speaker 79 And I always wanted to walk through it and go, all right, this porn section is only big enough for one retarded sheriff who's got to beat off by high noon.

Speaker 84 Like, it's a weird thing, it's a weird thing, right?

Speaker 34 Yeah, the fun of the saloon doors was if you squat down to look at a regular movie on the lower shelf near the saloon doors.

Speaker 25 Oh, you get

Speaker 71 some of the covers.

Speaker 62 Little fat perf kid 101.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Or someone who might work at a video store would know that.

Speaker 60 just a guy up here telling some jokes, man.

Speaker 79 Talking of selling us restocked porn sections more than once.

Speaker 68 Jason just fucking Agatha Christie. That one.

Speaker 60 That was a slip-up.

Speaker 53 No, that was a slip-up, Mr. Okerson.

Speaker 71 I was taken to court by a video place before, a video rental place for not returning pornography.

Speaker 41 That seems like that's a story for a different show.

Speaker 13 All right, a different storytelling show that you're a part of?

Speaker 40 It's literally a story for this show.

Speaker 79 All right, so you had to be decent, but your family had to be

Speaker 66 hot trash.

Speaker 24 Hot trash.

Speaker 52 Can I write that? Now we write your name down.

Speaker 56 Yeah, yeah, you can start whenever you want.

Speaker 67 Whatever you want,

Speaker 81 I am getting BJ vibes.

Speaker 66 What?

Speaker 81 Did you work in a video? You did work in a video store.

Speaker 71 What?

Speaker 52 You guys probably know each other really well, too.

Speaker 22 We do.

Speaker 56 You do. Can we Google shit?

Speaker 52 Like, is he

Speaker 39 no? You know what?

Speaker 71 I thought we knew a lot about each other, but I don't know what the fuck Lewis is talking about.

Speaker 25 No. What?

Speaker 81 Did you work at a video store?

Speaker 52 Yup. Am I spelling it right?

Speaker 24 I've never seen it.

Speaker 79 I'm going to go with Quentin Tarantino and just fucking see if I can.

Speaker 6 I'm going Big Jay over here.

Speaker 24 Wait.

Speaker 52 What? Yeah, how are we going to decide?

Speaker 52 And Bigger J?

Speaker 39 Yeah, I'm going Big Jay. It's not funny to me because he showed me the back.

Speaker 25 He's right.

Speaker 76 Oh, boy.

Speaker 76 Which J,

Speaker 66 Patton?

Speaker 71 Oh, oh, sorry.

Speaker 71 Hang on.

Speaker 79 You writing gay is not going to delineate.

Speaker 10 I thought you were going to put the...

Speaker 51 I thought you were going to put the gir on the end.

Speaker 97 All right.

Speaker 34 Damn, someone's... All right.

Speaker 71 I'm gonna, who'd you guess? You.

Speaker 75 Are you out of your mind?

Speaker 34 You've convinced yourself I've told you I worked at a video store in my life.

Speaker 81 I mean, everyone voted already.

Speaker 100 You definitely worked in a video store.

Speaker 45 Thank you.

Speaker 58 You forget that you tell me these things.

Speaker 65 Never once for even a day in my life did I ever work at a video store.

Speaker 88 There's nothing to lose now.

Speaker 31 You've had like two day jobs ever.

Speaker 62 None of them was at a video store.

Speaker 34 I have not had a lot of day jobs, that's true. But none of them was at a video store.

Speaker 18 Uh-oh.

Speaker 66 Never once.

Speaker 22 There's nothing to lose now.

Speaker 24 I guess there is nothing to lose.

Speaker 60 I guess you're right.

Speaker 83 You voted for yourself.

Speaker 101 No.

Speaker 101 Yes.

Speaker 56 Bigger Jay.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 21 I'll bail to another man's piece if he shows it to me.

Speaker 84 All the answers are in.

Speaker 91 Story number one belongs to

Speaker 91 Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 52 Suite, now explain we all lose points.

Speaker 30 No, I'm the only one who got points there.

Speaker 60 Now, here's the thing.

Speaker 29 I'll say, you know,

Speaker 34 look, I win this game a lot.

Speaker 72 I'm very good at the game.

Speaker 29 I see the comments. I read the comments on YouTube and people are like, dude, this show sucks.

Speaker 13 Louis always wins.

Speaker 104 I can't help being good.

Speaker 13 I don't know what else to do except for being so fucking good.

Speaker 39 Fuck,

Speaker 39 it just fucking hit me, dude. You know for a fact I never worked at a video store.

Speaker 25 Hell yeah.

Speaker 25 Hell yeah.

Speaker 5 It was Blockbuster Video, which was my least favorite job that I ever had in my entire life.

Speaker 6 And yeah, me and my family, we would, I mean, we had multiple accounts. My cat had an account, my aunt had an account.
So they would literally, they put my family on the do not rent list.

Speaker 3 They had all of our names listed, and I got a job there finally, and I was like, oh, that's fucking crazy.

Speaker 5 Because

Speaker 36 you could put notes. So I deleted all the notes, and

Speaker 6 my family was able to rent again.

Speaker 72 You built your family's name back up in the community?

Speaker 68 But they never put together that you were part of that family or they just...

Speaker 48 Lewis grew up like Gilbert Grape.

Speaker 22 He

Speaker 28 has always had to try to get the family better, taking care of a retard.

Speaker 41 I was the retard.

Speaker 24 Lewis was the, I'm sorry.

Speaker 32 I was the retard. Lewis was Arnie.

Speaker 34 His sister was Gilbert Grape, and then

Speaker 38 the fat mom.

Speaker 30 Alex, after one story, where are our points at?

Speaker 91 All right, on the scoreboard, all alone with four points. Lewis J.

Speaker 85 Gomez.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 9 What are you clapping for?

Speaker 53 Aren't you bored of clapping for Lewis?

Speaker 106 They love it.

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Speaker 38 All right. Where were we?

Speaker 107 Alex, story number two.

Speaker 91 Story number two.

Speaker 91 I answered phones in a porn warehouse taking orders for dildos, sex swings, nipple clamps, and fetish magazines.

Speaker 55 Orders?

Speaker 102 Hmm. Hmm.

Speaker 72 I've worked in a warehouse before.

Speaker 71 Yeah, you got to like do like an order pick.

Speaker 88 They give you a thing, you have to go.

Speaker 71 That's funny shit to pull off a fucking warehouse line.

Speaker 40 Wrong dildo, Johnson.

Speaker 68 Well, the fact that the person's answering phones, that also.

Speaker 44 Pen, you're a 50-year veteran.

Speaker 60 That's insane.

Speaker 31 I mean, I respect you so much.

Speaker 5 You're a genius.

Speaker 63 That could be.

Speaker 5 That was insane what I just watched happen.

Speaker 68 I got so excited with my little Agatha Chrissy thing.

Speaker 68 a certain.

Speaker 79 By the way, he said the N-word 13 times.

Speaker 79 It's probably best.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 79 13, I counted.

Speaker 61 But that's all of them.

Speaker 59 So they're done.

Speaker 73 They're out.

Speaker 68 Every variation.

Speaker 68 Soft A, hard all of them.

Speaker 33 It's like Meisner technique. It's just different

Speaker 88 technique.

Speaker 79 All right.

Speaker 79 This is, to me, feeling like Big J

Speaker 79 and not based based on anything other than me not wanting to erase the last time I wrote it.

Speaker 63 So it's mostly an effort thing.

Speaker 37 You care about the environment, Adam.

Speaker 79 No, I feel like any warehouse you work in turns into a porn warehouse just by you walking in.

Speaker 88 If the place sold auto parts and you work there.

Speaker 39 I work in an auto parts warehouse, and I did make it very pornography.

Speaker 25 Hold on.

Speaker 79 Lewis, is that true?

Speaker 79 Did he work at an auto warehouse?

Speaker 57 I don't know that he ever worked at a porn warehouse. I think I would have heard this.

Speaker 58 I will say right now.

Speaker 24 I will lead everyone in and say, I don't believe that Big J

Speaker 21 has ever worked at a porn warehouse.

Speaker 5 I would describe him as a porn warehouse.

Speaker 93 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 107 It's like his thing.

Speaker 60 I'd be the guy yelling.

Speaker 79 By the way, we're not going to believe a fucking word you say ever again.

Speaker 25 It's true.

Speaker 20 Ever again.

Speaker 79 If the show's over and you're taking a piss and I hear water going into the toilet, I'm going to go, he's just dumping it out.

Speaker 77 He's not pissing.

Speaker 63 I fuck that guy.

Speaker 62 He's listening to us while he's pretending to be a picture.

Speaker 80 He's listening to us dumping water.

Speaker 93 All right.

Speaker 34 God damn it. I want to say, Jason Music, being very quiet.

Speaker 52 No.

Speaker 52 Definitely wasn't me. I wouldn't have lasted a day at a job like that because I would have been like, oh,

Speaker 52 I'd be trying out all the products.

Speaker 41 Sucking the dildos.

Speaker 52 The dildos.

Speaker 69 You would have gotten a high swing.

Speaker 53 And

Speaker 52 nipple clamps.

Speaker 25 I would have been like, oh, this feels good.

Speaker 33 While you're not manning the phones,

Speaker 35 your phone is ringing non-stop.

Speaker 85 Cranking your nips. Sales have gone down this week.

Speaker 68 All these butt plugs are smeared.

Speaker 52 And it's the goddamn Christmas rush.

Speaker 109 What the hell's happening back there?

Speaker 68 Telling you.

Speaker 79 I don't feel like you need a dedicated sex swing. I feel like all swings turn into sex swings after the sun goes down.

Speaker 58 It's true.

Speaker 73 You go. You have to pay double sometimes.

Speaker 79 All right, we crossed the line. You hear that?

Speaker 63 I felt it. I felt it.
You hear that, Twitch?

Speaker 44 All swings are sex swings when Adam's around.

Speaker 80 That's right.

Speaker 52 We can ask questions.

Speaker 79 Once the sun goes down.

Speaker 29 As soon as the sun goes down, your sun's going down on me.

Speaker 25 That's right.

Speaker 79 It's sun with a you. You know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 22 What kind of park is this?

Speaker 52 jason so i was gonna ask i can't ask a question i guess because that person would have to answer and then it gives it away that doesn't make sense they could just lie they could lie that's part part of the thing is trying to throw i mean the game would be a really short game if we just could ask and they had to yeah

Speaker 60 i was i'm trying to

Speaker 52 i'm thinking this has to be uh this has to be you have to be at least 18 to i would think answer phones and shit so it has to be

Speaker 52 like

Speaker 52 trying to think.

Speaker 41 I think everybody's trying to deduce.

Speaker 52 I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel like everyone here has been working in the entertainment as far as I know. And I maybe let me Google it real quick.

Speaker 104 No.

Speaker 52 And that, like, since they've been adults, right? And a lot, since they were like in their 20s, right? No. Basically.
How long have you guys been doing comedy and stuff?

Speaker 35 I've been doing it for

Speaker 35 a while.

Speaker 14 I've been doing it forever.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 72 Jay was a kid. He was 19.

Speaker 58 27 years. Yeah.

Speaker 52 I know who I'm going to write for the answer.

Speaker 79 Big Jay walked right out of the video store and onto the stage at the improv.

Speaker 59 That's how.

Speaker 93 One nipple clamp still hanging off of him.

Speaker 24 Corolla, I ain't going back, I told them.

Speaker 52 I'm going to answer already, just because this is my feeling right now.

Speaker 62 Corolla.

Speaker 5 Jason, could you write it a little bit smaller?

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 60 I'm going to make sure that people look back.

Speaker 22 It's your dry race board, man.

Speaker 115 Use the space.

Speaker 101 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 79 Hold on. I got on my jeweler's loop and found out it said Adam C.

Speaker 22 Adam, you have.

Speaker 68 Lewis has me so paranoid now to that last round.

Speaker 20 He really does. Yeah.

Speaker 5 And by the way, you can, two stories in order is all randomized.

Speaker 116 That's exactly.

Speaker 81 Yeah, oh, it could be me easily.

Speaker 38 No, it's not Lewis.

Speaker 92 Wait, wait.

Speaker 49 I've done this before, and I've been wrong, but this time I'm so right.

Speaker 34 It's definitely not Lewis. He would have told me this.

Speaker 65 I agree. I think it's Adam.

Speaker 57 I think Adam Corolla has warehouse energy through and through.

Speaker 31 Just whatever it is.

Speaker 30 I can see you just on the floor, really in your space.

Speaker 56 Why are you guys all?

Speaker 45 I hate, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 54 I hope I'm. First off,

Speaker 79 the notion that I could get a job that was indoors is completely off the table. I was strictly an outdoor cat when it came to jobs.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but a warehouse is the outdoors of indoor jobs.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 59 Whoa.

Speaker 24 Whoa, wait a minute.

Speaker 60 That,

Speaker 24 holy shit.

Speaker 68 Guys, I'm sorry. I got to go hike to the top of Runyon and think for a few hours.
That was.

Speaker 37 Jeez, that was a goddamn Zen Cohen.

Speaker 79 I knew as a comedian, but philosopher.

Speaker 68 No, man. It's above my pay grade.
What the fuck?

Speaker 38 I'm about to blow your mind.

Speaker 19 Uh-oh.

Speaker 65 Because

Speaker 34 Pat and Oswalt lived in San Francisco, where there's a bunch of weird fucking places like this that exist.

Speaker 52 Wait, no, take my answer right now.

Speaker 40 No, you can't kid.

Speaker 52 No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 13 I take it very seriously.

Speaker 114 Yes.

Speaker 115 You're like, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 24 There's rules here.

Speaker 52 Look, my piggy was on.

Speaker 24 There's chaos.

Speaker 52 Hey, you said as soon as you take your hand off, I had my hand on it.

Speaker 58 I've been watching your fingers this whole time.

Speaker 9 Alex, all of our answers are in

Speaker 91 Big J is correct. That story belongs to Patton Oswald.

Speaker 68 Just creepy warehouse south of market, and I would answer phones, and people would order, and I would get a lot of orders going.

Speaker 68 Now, my billing address is this, but it needs to be delivered to this post office box. Now, read the order sheet back.

Speaker 68 I want to know that the delivery, and I had the power to just destroy lives for like

Speaker 68 a year. It was amazing.

Speaker 40 Amazing.

Speaker 68 It was before the internet.

Speaker 34 Are people cavalier about asking for odd fetish magazines?

Speaker 68 They're very, very calm until it gets to telling you where to deliver it.

Speaker 68 And these were like the far end of the spectrum fetish magazines.

Speaker 68 crush stuff, Shaiza stuff, just

Speaker 68 like stuff that I didn't even, and I was a comedian and I didn't even want to, I'm like, I can't get any material out of this.

Speaker 25 This is brutal.

Speaker 107 It was just the worst shit.

Speaker 65 No, you'd be surprised.

Speaker 85 Yeah. You really could.

Speaker 54 You could definitely get material out of this.

Speaker 74 Shit

Speaker 34 pornography in general was pretty much my first 10 years and then my last seven.

Speaker 2 Alex, two stories in.

Speaker 58 Where are our points at?

Speaker 91 All right. In last place with zero points, Jason Muse.

Speaker 24 And don't take such pleasure in it.

Speaker 21 No, right?

Speaker 25 Savor it.

Speaker 91 In third place with two points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 91 In second place with three points, Patton Oswald.

Speaker 9 That was a sweep. It's almost a sweep.

Speaker 91 And in the lead with four points, Lewis Jay Gomez.

Speaker 59 Boo.

Speaker 53 Boo. He lies to his friends.

Speaker 49 No, boo.

Speaker 49 Wait.

Speaker 52 Why does Patton have three?

Speaker 83 Every person you fool.

Speaker 52 Wait, where am I?

Speaker 83 Every person you fool, you get one point.

Speaker 47 Every time he gets the correct story, you get two points.

Speaker 52 Wait, why also did he was like Jason Muse with last place?

Speaker 60 I know, I didn't like that.

Speaker 114 But what about Adam? What about Adam? She didn't even mention Adam. She didn't even mention Adam.

Speaker 52 Thanks a fucking lot, Jesus.

Speaker 91 I said add to Adam, but you guys talked over me.

Speaker 41 You didn't like my tone.

Speaker 29 Hey, Alex, can you stop yelling at our celebrity guests?

Speaker 39 Are you out of your fucking mind yelling at Jason Muse, you psycho?

Speaker 57 What the fuck is wrong with you?

Speaker 108 I was told that.

Speaker 39 You can't believe he's here in front of you.

Speaker 100 Alex, story number three.

Speaker 61 We gotta have a meeting.

Speaker 91 Story number three.

Speaker 91 I deliver liquor to a house with two girls sunbathing naked in the back.

Speaker 29 Okay, cool guy.

Speaker 89 I kept saying how big my dick looked in my shorts.

Speaker 118 It was pretty cool, you know.

Speaker 31 They both started blowing me, and then I...

Speaker 68 Then I switched bodies with my dad and I won the rapping contest

Speaker 28 at the prom. It was pretty cool, man.

Speaker 68 It was the craziest summer I've ever had.

Speaker 40 Why did we buy that relic that we both both touched at the same time?

Speaker 63 I used my massive hog to take down the door.

Speaker 39 Thank God my dick was so big or else.

Speaker 33 I probably would have died that day.

Speaker 68 Louis, did Jay ever tell you this story? I'm trying to gather clues.

Speaker 29 All right, sorry, Alex.

Speaker 83 Finish this story.

Speaker 39 Alex, remember how you acted towards Jason Hughes, you fucking nutbag?

Speaker 22 You're out of your tree.

Speaker 22 You're out of control over there.

Speaker 68 When did the cars moving and stereo start playing?

Speaker 68 That's for the really old people in the audience.

Speaker 5 Sorry, Alex, continue.

Speaker 91 I delivered liquor to a house with two girls sunbathing naked in the back. I went into the house to get a better view, but the girls went inside at exactly the same time.

Speaker 91 I had to hide inside of a closet to avoid them.

Speaker 62 I mean, this is a scene.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 22 This is a Jason Museum.

Speaker 84 Jesus.

Speaker 68 Did you leave out Fade In?

Speaker 79 I love the fact that the guy went in to see titties and then never came out of the closet.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Yeah, well.

Speaker 66 A lot of range.

Speaker 79 A lot of range, gentlemen.

Speaker 119 Who's a...

Speaker 21 Had he.

Speaker 31 I just love the idea of trying to get a better view?

Speaker 36 I can just imagine you going inside and just pulling your sunglasses down.

Speaker 25 Doom, boom, boom.

Speaker 33 And then hop on a stranger's skateboard and skate off.

Speaker 52 Why did this person hide?

Speaker 52 Because the girls came in?

Speaker 36 They came inside at the exact same time.

Speaker 65 Well, it looks like somebody snuck into the house to look at them naked in the back.

Speaker 52 So they weren't supposed to.

Speaker 47 I'm pretty sure whoever story this is is committing a felony.

Speaker 41 Exactly.

Speaker 52 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 68 Did they break into the water?

Speaker 60 Didn't the show just a sting operation?

Speaker 24 What is it?

Speaker 79 Later, Chris Hansen arrived

Speaker 79 with the Fresno Police Department.

Speaker 5 It should read: I broke into a person's house so I could sexually assault two women.

Speaker 66 Done.

Speaker 52 I realized they could kick my ass, so I hid.

Speaker 66 Corolla,

Speaker 23 is this you? No.

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 90 China.

Speaker 31 I think this is the man's show origin story.

Speaker 68 Although it can't be Corolla because he goes inside the house, and as we know, he's an outdoor thing.

Speaker 68 He needs to be invited in like the vampires and sinners.

Speaker 29 I'm getting Corolla vibes again. It's got to eventually be him, right?

Speaker 37 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 37 Wait a minute.

Speaker 98 Yeah. So kind of getting Jason vibes.

Speaker 24 Jesus.

Speaker 54 dude.

Speaker 79 These are in no order, right?

Speaker 22 No, they're all scrambling.

Speaker 79 There's going to be two in a row.

Speaker 116 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 52 Oh, yeah. Jason would not hide in the closet.

Speaker 52 I would have pulled my dick and balls out and been like,

Speaker 62 God damn it, I believe him.

Speaker 25 I think it's.

Speaker 84 Adam Carroll.

Speaker 45 And

Speaker 47 we were all today days old when we learned that Jason Muse speaks in third person.

Speaker 114 I liked it.

Speaker 52 I feel like it's Adam or Jay. I don't know.

Speaker 52 I'm trying to picture someone younger and afraid of pussy.

Speaker 68 I'm sitting right here.

Speaker 61 I don't know.

Speaker 52 Someone who answers phones for dildos and shit. I don't think it's afraid of your.

Speaker 72 I was delivering nipple clamps.

Speaker 87 Oof.

Speaker 52 Man. I don't think it's you, though.

Speaker 35 It's not me.

Speaker 34 If it is Jason Muse, this is dramatic.

Speaker 102 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 52 If this is Jason Muse. Well, you guys are waiting on me.

Speaker 31 If this is Jason Muse, he really doesn't understand how to play the game.

Speaker 52 No, I tore him between Jay and Adam.

Speaker 22 He filibusters for 45 minutes, and then he goes, it was me.

Speaker 114 Thank you, everybody. All right.

Speaker 52 I'm just going to go.

Speaker 23 No.

Speaker 66 Damn.

Speaker 62 I wouldn't do a basic B and E to see Pussy Dude.

Speaker 79 They're doing a second show tonight.

Speaker 52 Oh, I'm going to go.

Speaker 52 I'm going to go at him.

Speaker 68 Welcome to the 2 a.m. show.
Jason Mews was on the first day.

Speaker 37 Come on, guys.

Speaker 52 I need fucking points on the board.

Speaker 52 He is.

Speaker 52 Jesus, I don't want her to be like, and yet still again and still again.

Speaker 52 Jason Muse Mews with zero.

Speaker 60 She is not

Speaker 15 been kind to you. You've not been good to our friend Jason Muse.

Speaker 101 All right.

Speaker 62 Everyone's in, Alex.

Speaker 91 Story number three belongs to

Speaker 105 Adam Carolla.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 79 You made the right decision.

Speaker 79 The story is a little bit truncated,

Speaker 75 not as simple as it reads.

Speaker 68 Please take your time and be expansive.

Speaker 79 There's a second show, I'm told.

Speaker 79 And brevity's the soul of wit, so I'll keep it short. But I was delivering booze for the Flask liquor store on Ventura Boulevard.

Speaker 79 I was not delivering it to this house. I was delivering it up a hill, and I realized my friend Michelle lives in this house.

Speaker 79 And it was during the summer, and I was like 16, and I went to knock on the door.

Speaker 79 I was going to say hi, and the door swung open. And so then I walked in, and I saw her and her buddy Beth naked in the backyard.

Speaker 59 And I was like, oh, dear God.

Speaker 79 And I walked around the house to get a better shot from the master suite.

Speaker 40 I didn't realize you knew them.

Speaker 70 It makes it so much better.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 68 Thank you, Mr. Krillip.
Prosecution, your witness.

Speaker 84 Would you like to take?

Speaker 64 No? All right.

Speaker 73 And so. I have nothing further.

Speaker 29 The exact story you would tell that you heard dad if he caught you?

Speaker 57 Yes.

Speaker 79 They walked in as soon as I got to the back of the house, and I was cut off. I could not get through the house because now they were in the house and I had to hide in the closet.

Speaker 54 And

Speaker 79 I lived off of my own semen for 26 years.

Speaker 63 That's all I had.

Speaker 22 Was rat-dropping.

Speaker 60 The diary of Ann Spank.

Speaker 55 That's right.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Thank you, Roots.

Speaker 102 Yeah.

Speaker 109 The Roots are always here on the street. All right.

Speaker 79 Do we really need to go to the tote board? We can all do the math.

Speaker 107 Adams fooled absolutely no one in that round.

Speaker 100 Alex, real quick, where are our points at after three stories?

Speaker 91 In absolute last place with zero points.

Speaker 105 Adam Carolla.

Speaker 118 Thank you.

Speaker 91 In fourth place with two points, Jason Mutes.

Speaker 91 In third place with four points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 91 In second place with five points, Patton Oswald.

Speaker 78 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 33 He's on your ass.

Speaker 91 And in the lead with six points, Lewis J.

Speaker 74 Gomez.

Speaker 79 You know, Pat may be in fifth place

Speaker 79 overall or in second place. I don't know what you are.
Are you in second place?

Speaker 76 I think second.

Speaker 79 Second overall, but number one, an Anne-Frank double entendre jizz jumps.

Speaker 24 Always. Undeniable.

Speaker 79 And I know it's been said. Yeah.
It's been said many times, but it bears repeating.

Speaker 68 I'll see you at my Mark Twain prize ceremony.

Speaker 60 Thank you.

Speaker 90 Adam, don't get down, man.

Speaker 76 There's still plenty of chance for you to win this game.

Speaker 39 It's just, I got kids.

Speaker 79 They look up to me, man.

Speaker 79 And when Papa comes home with a fucking goose egg, it's just going to be tough.

Speaker 76 There's still a strong chance you get to bring those kids at home with the queen by Brian Hoey.

Speaker 24 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 40 It covers everything from state visits and royal tours to quiet mornings and private conversations.

Speaker 65 Angela Kelly shares how clothes were chosen, how appearances were prepared, and how trust was built over time.

Speaker 9 Her role went far beyond fashion.

Speaker 76 She was a constant presence through the years of history, ceremony, and change.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 39 So it's not for nothing.

Speaker 79 Well, like I said, I got the audio book, but it was read by Gilbert Godfrey. So

Speaker 79 I do feel like I'd like to turn some pages because I think it took away from the regalness.

Speaker 75 It wasn't as regal as

Speaker 79 I think. It was a weird choice.
I'm sure it wasn't the first choice.

Speaker 17 All right, boys, let's take a quick moment and thank Mando for supporting today's show. It has been a hot summer and your pits need an upgrade.
You got to switch to Mando.

Speaker 17 It's deodorant plus sweat control. It blocks odor all day long while still being gentle on your skin.

Speaker 17 So whether, no matter what you're doing, whether you're chasing the kids around, Lewis, if you're chasing kids through a park. Yeah, if you're chasing after children, you don't want to chafe.

Speaker 17 No, I'll tell you this. I get Botox in my armpits, Lewis.
So I don't really have a bunch of armpit sweat. That's not my issue.
But I will tell you. You don't have to tell people that, Jay.

Speaker 17 I feel like that's one of these secrets that I would take to my grave. No, no, no.
I do it. It's okay though.
They knock me unconscious and play with my asshole.

Speaker 17 No, so that's not my issue. But there's nothing, you're not Botoxin where your ball bag meets your fucking legs.
And that's where Mando comes in big time.

Speaker 17 Look, all of their products are baking soda-free. You just called me gay for Botox and checked out.

Speaker 17 All of Mando's products are baking soda-free and paraben-free. I know you don't like parabens in your balls.
Whatever they are, you don't want them anywhere near your balls. No, not even anywhere.

Speaker 17 If it's got parabens in it, dude, you're not coming near this sack. Fresh scents like bourbon leather, Cloverwoods, Mount Fuji, or hold on, Jay, let me smell.
You're using Pro Sport, aren't you? Yep.

Speaker 17 So look, Mando starter pack right now is perfect for new customers.

Speaker 17 It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice, like the mini body wash or the deodorant wipes, which I love, plus free shipping.

Speaker 17 And we have a very special offer. If you go to shopmando.com, shopmano.com, and use the promo code WARS, W-A-R-Z, W-A-R-Z with a Z.
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Speaker 17 20% off site-wide, plus free shipping. Once again, promo code WARS W-A-R-Z at shopmando.com.
20% off. All right.

Speaker 19 Where were we?

Speaker 45 Alex, story number four.

Speaker 91 Story number four.

Speaker 91 While working at a store, I would trust random customers to watch over the place while I ran out for coffee and donuts.

Speaker 48 Big J.

Speaker 84 It does, listen.

Speaker 53 It does.

Speaker 22 Well, here's

Speaker 34 one thing that's my friend, you will know.

Speaker 71 I don't drink coffee.

Speaker 5 You're not even a big donut guy.

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 34 There's gigantic fucking huge Skull Island donuts in the back.

Speaker 3 Dude, I'll say everyone.

Speaker 57 Fuck voodoo donuts.

Speaker 62 What's the point?

Speaker 57 Right on the show, I'll say it.

Speaker 15 I don't need a whole box of cereal on top of a fucking donut.

Speaker 74 Just make a goddamn chocolate donut or a glaze, you fucking psycho.

Speaker 40 He needs all that shit.

Speaker 9 Hey, a full Snickers bar and melted marshmallow and something that's shaped like a hippopotamus and fondant.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 79 I'll just say this about, those are huge donuts. Like you shouldn't, if you're eating a donut and it slips out of your hand and drops on your foot, you shouldn't break a toe.

Speaker 79 That's too much donut, right?

Speaker 47 Way too much donut.

Speaker 34 Way too much.

Speaker 68 In their defense, voodoo donut started in Portland, Oregon.

Speaker 68 And Portland, Oregon, if you've ever been there, is the home of people who still eat like they're lumberjacks, even though the lumber industry is no longer happening.

Speaker 68 They didn't adjust the calories down, so

Speaker 68 every breakfast is 18 pancakes and a pound of bacon, and then I got to go design websites all day.

Speaker 27 But they're still dressed in flannel and

Speaker 5 there's a donut back there literally with bacon on it.

Speaker 57 Oh, yeah. It's insane.

Speaker 68 They used to sell a donut with, and I'm not making this up, with Nyquil in it.

Speaker 68 So you could eat it and then kind of a shot of Nyquil, and the city made them stop selling that one.

Speaker 52 It's like a speedball.

Speaker 40 Damn, dude, that was like a four loco of Fappy.

Speaker 27 They had to stop it.

Speaker 53 They knew it was a problem.

Speaker 107 Get it out of there.

Speaker 53 These guys are going down.

Speaker 36 Okay, well, I ran and grabbed donuts and coffee. Love a donut.

Speaker 47 My favorite sweet treat is donuts.

Speaker 34 I will say that right now.

Speaker 66 Why?

Speaker 69 Why?

Speaker 60 But not. I don't know.
What does that have to do with anything?

Speaker 34 It's your favorite sweet treat.

Speaker 72 So you would run out for coffee and donuts, perhaps you're saying?

Speaker 35 I enjoy coffee.

Speaker 68 This does sound like the kind of thing that Lewis would have the confidence to go, you watch this fucking place, I got to get a snack. And then, like, and people would be like, fuck, we better watch.

Speaker 68 Like, a threat. That absolute force of will.
I could see Lewis doing that and successfully getting away with it.

Speaker 38 Well, the guy, listen, let me tell you from knowing the guy, he's a fucking

Speaker 10 conundrum.

Speaker 25 Because

Speaker 34 he would be the guy who he says would work super hard to compete with his friends to be the best worker at a place, but also would ignore the drive-through for a half hour so you can masturbate in the bathroom.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 52 And any race, no

Speaker 112 computer.

Speaker 34 And he also, he would dig into the company. He'd get into the mainframe.
He started changing shit at blockbuster.

Speaker 68 It's like Band of Brothers shit, man. I love it.

Speaker 90 Beautiful.

Speaker 39 Yeah, so this is like Lewis could be as good an employee, as bad as this employee is, and be this guy.

Speaker 34 But for coffee and donuts strikes me as it wouldn't be the reason.

Speaker 30 I'm in a French curler?

Speaker 76 No, I just don't think it would be like you left for coffee.

Speaker 34 What job could it have been of yours? You would have left for coffee and donuts.

Speaker 62 Wasn't my job.

Speaker 34 You just jerked off at KFC?

Speaker 90 No.

Speaker 15 And then you're like, man, I need fucking coffee and a donut.

Speaker 53 Hey, does somebody watch this drive-through?

Speaker 20 Hold on. Customer?

Speaker 34 I've worked a lot of jobs.

Speaker 58 Taco Bell, kfc shop right blockbuster video oh selling mango on the street

Speaker 79 there's a tag team gaslighting going on over here like i know him so well

Speaker 79 i know him so well i know everybody

Speaker 76 i don't know what job this could be but this could be lewis but i don't want to vote for him because

Speaker 90 i don't know i don't think it is here's what i'm watching happen right now jason muse is he's so happy that nobody is onto his steps right now

Speaker 13 what he's doing right now he's holding his neck up real straight right now.

Speaker 6 He's trying to smile.

Speaker 52 I don't even think I can hold my neck up straight.

Speaker 112 He's trying to not smile.

Speaker 110 I'm watching like a vein start to pulse in his fucking forehead.

Speaker 41 This is so obviously Jason Muse.

Speaker 61 No.

Speaker 66 Yes.

Speaker 101 This is not.

Speaker 100 We know it's Muse, baby.

Speaker 79 You know it's not you.

Speaker 52 Yeah, yeah, he's trying to pass it off.

Speaker 41 You're doing a thing.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 97 You're doing your thing.

Speaker 5 You're going to lead everyone astray. You're an idiot.

Speaker 74 I'm not talking to anybody else.

Speaker 62 I'm talking to you. Talk to me.

Speaker 79 Well, you know, it's not me because there's no prepubescent naked chicks.

Speaker 79 Every one of my stories ends with a 13-year-old that's naked.

Speaker 112 There's no child sex swing.

Speaker 60 This is legally above board, so it's not Adam.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 79 There's almost no trafficking involved.

Speaker 52 Well, could the stories be the same place? Like, could it be the warehouse?

Speaker 108 Technically.

Speaker 52 Could it be the warehouse that, like, he could have popped off

Speaker 20 taking a rare?

Speaker 22 He ran a person.

Speaker 40 Watch this porn warehouse.

Speaker 22 We haven't had a Lewis story, have you?

Speaker 62 Hey, would you mind watching this porn warehouse? Don't touch anything.

Speaker 9 I know you're going to want to smell stuff.

Speaker 79 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 30 Patton, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 48 How dare you?

Speaker 39 I know he's doing the thing he did to me the first time.

Speaker 60 Patton, what are you doing?

Speaker 40 I'm going with Patton, man.

Speaker 22 Oh, my God.

Speaker 97 Let me this asshole conviction.

Speaker 34 Why would you be mad if everyone's voting you?

Speaker 57 Because you're giving Jason Muse a wild amount of points right now, you fools.

Speaker 53 Well, we have to make up for how Alex has treated him.

Speaker 79 Hey, can I ask a hypothetical? If I get zero points this entire game, can I stay for the late one?

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 39 That is an effect, and we've never had to activate that before.

Speaker 60 Never score.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 60 Yeah, like a college football player red shirted the whole time, right?

Speaker 53 It's a victory last night. Still got eligibility for the late show.

Speaker 29 Jason just wrote L,

Speaker 31 scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble.

Speaker 36 And then I think a pedophile swirl.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Lou,

Speaker 117 Larn.

Speaker 107 I figured it didn't matter.

Speaker 59 No, we know. I mean, Lewis.

Speaker 101 Big L.

Speaker 83 That was crazy. Big L.

Speaker 32 Don't judge me.

Speaker 9 It's your fault to spell your name Spanish and pronounce it white.

Speaker 53 You want everybody to get that?

Speaker 39 The guy's a notorious pothead.

Speaker 77 He was homeschooled.

Speaker 65 You're going to go, it's Lewis. And he's going to go, I'm looking at it, dude.

Speaker 23 It's definitely Luis.

Speaker 22 And you're going to be like, no, it's Lewis.

Speaker 34 He goes, but you're making that decision.

Speaker 57 Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 91 Story number four belongs to

Speaker 91 Jason Mews. What did I tell you?

Speaker 25 What did I tell you?

Speaker 100 What did I tell you?

Speaker 59 Oh, Jason. You tell me a lot of things.

Speaker 61 You lie. You let him clean up.

Speaker 118 Fuck. Big Jay.
You're good, man.

Speaker 56 You're a beer or me.

Speaker 40 Give me a beer.

Speaker 40 I need something to do.

Speaker 77 I got to take take the edge off, man.

Speaker 88 I've got to take the edge off.

Speaker 39 Want the key with you?

Speaker 5 Not that much edge.

Speaker 45 So

Speaker 52 does it matter who I vote for if I know it's my story and I lose or no? Okay.

Speaker 36 Yeah, it doesn't matter yet.

Speaker 52 I didn't know if I like, wait till you all vote and I vote for myself and I get more points.

Speaker 56 There's no point.

Speaker 79 To be fair to me, I thought we were playing Storage Wars, and I love that. I love that show.

Speaker 84 And I've seen every episode, and I showed up totally prepared.

Speaker 79 And then this shit show.

Speaker 38 Oh, no. This is a good one.

Speaker 78 I was not expecting that.

Speaker 25 I was thinking when I went to be here.

Speaker 29 I was like, I'm not going to be $50 in cash.

Speaker 56 That's right.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 72 Me and Lewis are actually American pickers.

Speaker 66 In our downtime.

Speaker 31 So, what store was this, Jason?

Speaker 52 So,

Speaker 52 this was my comic book store. Kevin Smith and I have a comic book store in New Jersey we've had for 26 years.

Speaker 52 And I used to to work at the comic book store when it first opened and it was not only for coffee and donuts but I didn't want to get too specific which I realized like you were like well it's not him maybe because of coffee and donuts but it was also to go grab like heroin and crack so

Speaker 52 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not 20 years ago.

Speaker 52 That's how long the store has been open. But this was in when I was about, so when I started using when I was 21.
So it it was right around 21, 22 is when I like started using.

Speaker 52 And like, I would go and I sometimes we get coffee and donuts, but sometimes also like the person I'd buy drugs from would be like, hey, I'm going to be at the 7-Eleven, so I'd like to.

Speaker 25 Oh, perfect. Coffee donuts and stuff.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Because I didn't want them to come to the store, right?

Speaker 94 Oh, my God.

Speaker 52 I didn't want the drug dealer coming to the store.

Speaker 68 Yeah, dude. I got confused.
I was like, Duncan sells heroin?

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 73 You get heroin. Yeah.

Speaker 60 Big bite.

Speaker 24 Big bite hot dog.

Speaker 68 America runs on H.

Speaker 25 It really does.

Speaker 56 But later,

Speaker 25 later on, people,

Speaker 52 later on, people would tell, like, years later, people would be like, you know that I just was at the comic book store like a year ago and Jay just left me in the store and asked me to watch it.

Speaker 52 They would like tell Kevin, he'd be like, what the fuck? Anyway, but yeah,

Speaker 52 that's, yeah, that was me.

Speaker 87 Hell yeah.

Speaker 52 Good shit, though.

Speaker 97 You fucking called it, bro.

Speaker 87 What are our scores looking like, Alex?

Speaker 52 At halfway points? Oh, yeah, let's see this.

Speaker 59 We already went over those, didn't we?

Speaker 118 I think we all kind of get what the scores are.

Speaker 79 I don't know why. I mean, I'm going to tell you how to do a podcast, but doing them every single round, it's so monotonous.

Speaker 91 At halftime, with zero points in last place, Adam Corolla.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 79 You know, I did win the Times Toyota Grand Prix, the celebrity Grand Prix in Long Beach a couple years. I just wanted to put that out there.

Speaker 77 I know it's not a racing show. Far more impressive.

Speaker 78 I want to put it out there, yeah.

Speaker 91 In fourth place with four points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 91 Tied for second place with five points each. Jason Mews and Patton Oswald.

Speaker 91 And in the lead with eight points, Louis J.

Speaker 85 Gomez.

Speaker 36 I'm allergic to winning.

Speaker 108 I'm having a sneezing attack right now.

Speaker 38 Look at the lights. Tear at the lights.

Speaker 38 Right?

Speaker 71 No, keep your eyes wide open.

Speaker 23 Hold on, dude. It's coming.
I don't know.

Speaker 79 The light makes you sneeze, right?

Speaker 66 Yeah, I thought it. Yeah.
Wait, are you...

Speaker 60 Yeah, he's fucking. I don't know, but it's one of those.

Speaker 100 You're making me sneeze.

Speaker 31 I don't know.

Speaker 41 I'm like,

Speaker 83 it doesn't feel like it's going away.

Speaker 81 I told Serafina to get me napkins.

Speaker 119 Serafita, where are the napkins? Jesus Christ.

Speaker 39 Idiot kids.

Speaker 110 I am embarrassing myself in front of our celebrity panel.

Speaker 68 Someone hand him up a napkin. Who has an extra napkin?

Speaker 49 Help him.

Speaker 39 Oh, let's get the audience involved.

Speaker 20 This is less embarrassing.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah, hey, everyone through that's a lot of napkins.

Speaker 68 Let's create a new strain of COVID tonight.

Speaker 40 Look at those naps. This couple fucks in the car a lot.

Speaker 39 That's for stomach jizz.

Speaker 9 Let's to wipe off stomach jizz.

Speaker 84 You're gonna leave it?

Speaker 117 Oh.

Speaker 5 I'll put it in my pocket like an old man.

Speaker 105 Thank you.

Speaker 84 You want to use my hanky?

Speaker 58 We are at the halfway point, four stories left.

Speaker 2 Thank you, finally, Al.

Speaker 31 You know how long you took?

Speaker 13 I got it from a strange Puerto Rican in the front row.

Speaker 2 Instead of you.

Speaker 39 Lewis's future self handed him napkins.

Speaker 62 A fucking time fucking wormhole almost opened up, you idiot.

Speaker 40 If they see each other, one of them ceases to exist.

Speaker 62 Did you even see Looper?

Speaker 22 God, dude, I don't understand, James.

Speaker 30 Real quick, we're going to plug some things before we go on to our final four stories.

Speaker 5 Pat, what would you like to plug, my friend?

Speaker 68 Oh, when does this drop?

Speaker 47 It'll be out on our platform on Monday and then everywhere else next Friday.

Speaker 58 So like, yeah, next Friday, or next Thursday.

Speaker 68 There are still some tickets left

Speaker 68 for my shows at Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh on September 12th and 13th.

Speaker 68 And later this month, I'm not sure the date, I think it should be the end of August, I will be on an episode of Star Trek Strange New World.

Speaker 24 So make sure

Speaker 68 to tune in to that.

Speaker 25 That was amazing.

Speaker 45 Adam Carolla,

Speaker 79 you get a plug even with a zero?

Speaker 117 Wow.

Speaker 68 Oh, yeah, you're right. You don't.
Go ahead, Jason.

Speaker 25 Oh,

Speaker 52 check out Nagra.

Speaker 79 Has there ever been an instance when you enacted the slaughter rule rule like in Little League when the nine-year-olds get beat 21 to nothing and the coach just calls the game?

Speaker 79 Just like you just corral

Speaker 79 the parking lot and just wait till the game's over. It's getting embarrassing.

Speaker 60 The slaughter rule made you feel like shit.

Speaker 73 Can we just stop now?

Speaker 109 It's over. More harm than good, right?

Speaker 22 Yes.

Speaker 59 All right.

Speaker 79 You can go to AdamCorolla.com. I got podcasts and live shows and stand-up and all that stuff.

Speaker 60 Very cool. Jason Muse.

Speaker 85 Thank you.

Speaker 52 Same thing. Jay Muse, J-A-Y-M-E-W-E-S.com for my live shows.

Speaker 52 And I stream on Twitch, play video games, stuff. I got an operator skin in Call of Duty, which is fucking my

Speaker 85 amazing to me.

Speaker 52 But yeah, check out my live shows.

Speaker 115 I'm all over.

Speaker 76 Big J.

Speaker 9 BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

Speaker 89 I'm coming to a city near you.

Speaker 34 I'm Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American Tour. Coming on a City Near You.

Speaker 10 If you get it, you get it. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 33 He shot big, big loads.

Speaker 9 Adam's actually the person when I went to the show.

Speaker 34 He's called his name when I said Peter North.

Speaker 71 That's the thing he shot big loads in porn.

Speaker 27 And he goes, oh, we had the decorator on the show before.

Speaker 22 I never heard that term.

Speaker 84 Decorator?

Speaker 28 Ah, fuck, that makes me laugh.

Speaker 20 That's a good...

Speaker 79 I mean, you know, the hedgehog's still the best porn nickname, but the decorator's pretty good.

Speaker 59 The decorator's a great name for a guy who cums massive loads.

Speaker 51 No, no, no, he doesn't fully get it.

Speaker 39 He would change your facial structure with cum.

Speaker 39 Like he's redecorating.

Speaker 9 Check out the bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series 67103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

Speaker 28 And of course,

Speaker 9 them they, both my specials available on YouTube, both Crowdwork specials and

Speaker 34 doing some new live streams on YouTube.

Speaker 71 So fucking follow along with those, man. I'm having fun.

Speaker 28 I did my first one, so

Speaker 10 stay tuned.

Speaker 15 That's been a lot of fun just watching my fucking algorithm.

Speaker 34 And of course, the flagship show at Gass Digital, Legion of Skanks.

Speaker 38 Fuck you.

Speaker 41 Come see me live on the road.

Speaker 33 We're doing the Juggalo.

Speaker 71 No, this will be out then, yeah.

Speaker 48 Yeah, gathering of the Juggalos. Gathering the Juggalos.

Speaker 60 Week of the fucking weekend.

Speaker 58 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 46 It'll be a lot of fun.

Speaker 35 Come see me live on the road.

Speaker 30 The Bring Five Friends tour wrapping up this year, guys.

Speaker 47 It's going to be...

Speaker 81 You know, bring four.

Speaker 5 If you don't have five, that's okay.

Speaker 29 I think some people get confused.

Speaker 31 They think they have to bring five friends or not.

Speaker 60 Don't come.

Speaker 105 Yeah, or don't come.

Speaker 30 No, no, you can come with just you.

Speaker 29 It was just getting sad.

Speaker 76 There was a lot of single dudes with beards in the audience.

Speaker 46 And I was like, dude,

Speaker 45 there they are.

Speaker 31 Clap your hands if you're a single dude with a beard in the audience right now.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 20 We know our audience.

Speaker 36 A lot of lonely assholes that listen to our podcast.

Speaker 39 Clap your hands if you're wearing somebody's merch shirt, banned or otherwise.

Speaker 39 A lot.

Speaker 68 Yeah, I know my audience. A lot of merch shirts, man.

Speaker 100 Yeah, so come see me on the road, Lewisofskanks.com.

Speaker 46 Sign up for my mailing list.

Speaker 58 I got got a book that's available for pre-order right now.

Speaker 47 It's officially done, officially finished it this past weekend, so you guys can get it on Amazon.com.

Speaker 46 It's called Knives and Spoons.

Speaker 33 It's a cliffhanger.

Speaker 87 It's a cliffhanger.

Speaker 83 Who knows what's going to happen?

Speaker 33 It's a three-book series.

Speaker 103 And yeah, make sure you guys check out all the other pods I do.

Speaker 47 The Regs,

Speaker 47 Legion of Skanks. Sign up for Gast Digital if you love the show.
We do a pre-release of this show every Monday just for subscribers.

Speaker 5 It's ad-free. It's uncensored.

Speaker 36 There's an on-demand library.

Speaker 58 There's maybe 20 or 30 episodes that are not available anywhere else in the entire world.

Speaker 46 Gastdigital.com.

Speaker 58 Use the promo code WAR and you save $1.50 a month on the premium membership.

Speaker 68 Only the members are going to get to hear the and spank joke, by the way. That's only for paid members.

Speaker 48 That's it. That's it.

Speaker 72 You've got to be a member.

Speaker 32 So look,

Speaker 103 here's the thing, Adam.

Speaker 6 You're bummed out, dude. I would be bummed out, too.

Speaker 34 Under normal circumstances, I would be bummed out.

Speaker 87 But you don't have to be.

Speaker 47 Jason, explain something.

Speaker 65 Well, for the final four stories, every time we play the game, we try to make sure it's everybody's game because we go double points.

Speaker 65 Thank you, Roots.

Speaker 40 Quest love, everybody.

Speaker 59 Quest love.

Speaker 39 The people have spoken, they love double points.

Speaker 68 Am I in mid-Somar right now? What fucking...

Speaker 53 This is just terrifying.

Speaker 59 No.

Speaker 68 We're all going home, right?

Speaker 24 Or does only one of us go home?

Speaker 115 Patton, you're the May Queen.

Speaker 94 God damn it.

Speaker 84 No, don't leave.

Speaker 22 Yet, you're the May Queen.

Speaker 49 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 63 Oh, shit.

Speaker 79 So, double zero.

Speaker 109 Oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 116 Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how that works.

Speaker 24 No, no, no.

Speaker 59 It's before

Speaker 72 if you fooled somebody,

Speaker 71 you got one point per person you fooled.

Speaker 65 If you guessed the correct person, you'd get two points.

Speaker 71 But now that flips to double points.

Speaker 79 Well, my grandfather used to have an adage. He'd say, fool me once, shame on me.

Speaker 79 You get fooled 129 times in one fucking show, you are a loser. And it was pretty wordy.

Speaker 79 And I didn't know what he meant meant at the time because I was seven, but it's not until this moment that I knew what that man was speaking of in 1974.

Speaker 74 So, for that alone, I'm glad I'm here tonight.

Speaker 68 Adam, you're gonna get to go into the Wicker Man.

Speaker 45 Yeah, me and Nick Cage.

Speaker 79 Too deep a cut.

Speaker 9 Alex,

Speaker 100 we're going to our second half.

Speaker 26 Story number five.

Speaker 91 Story number five.

Speaker 91 I tore tickets at a cheap movie theater in the suburbs. The staff was reselling half stubs to accumulate enough money to purchase fortified wine and stay drunk during work hours.

Speaker 9 This isn't Lewis because fortified wine.

Speaker 15 Me or him, we don't know what that means.

Speaker 20 And I was I was trying to hear I would accumulate men.

Speaker 60 All right, that one I got.

Speaker 79 I think a fortified wine is basically malt liquor for white people.

Speaker 25 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 24 That's basically.

Speaker 68 But reselling half stubs.

Speaker 79 Yeah, what does that mean? Tour tickets, you give them the stub, and people get back into the theater or coming to the theater.

Speaker 5 Seraphina just came up here, and I got a half stub.

Speaker 62 God damn it, Lewis.

Speaker 33 She's a kid.

Speaker 110 She's a hot child.

Speaker 10 She is a very pretty child, I could agree.

Speaker 34 You're a very pretty child, Serafina.

Speaker 9 You should be in pageants so other people can masturbate to your image.

Speaker 93 All right.

Speaker 25 All right.

Speaker 29 Okay, working in a movie theater.

Speaker 47 Jay, you never worked in a movie theater.

Speaker 89 I would know this about you.

Speaker 36 I know Jay really well, so this is an easy game to be able to do it.

Speaker 21 You said he wasn't a lying sack of shit.

Speaker 73 He's lying about it.

Speaker 20 I'll tell you this.

Speaker 20 I have no idea.

Speaker 68 I do not trust a fucking word out of these.

Speaker 24 He

Speaker 21 is diabolical, and I'm tuning.

Speaker 68 I'm sorry.

Speaker 68 If I don't tune you out, I'm going to fucking go crazy.

Speaker 20 You're right.

Speaker 59 He's a terrifying man.

Speaker 22 He's a twisted

Speaker 68 fucking cannibal lecter sitting down that moment.

Speaker 33 Every goddamn day I got to deal with this fat.

Speaker 79 Pathological.

Speaker 80 Sick to my stomach.

Speaker 76 He's got a disease, man.

Speaker 52 But I'm also curious.

Speaker 97 I feel sorry for a story, bro.

Speaker 41 I haven't had a story yet.

Speaker 52 That's true, true but i will tell you this do you play do you roll like that does the show roll like that yes technically it's all randomized he does not have it was randomized but each story was one of ours right it does is not everybody submits three to five so it could be someone could have no stories there's been a lewis story hasn't there yes

Speaker 52 but not a jay story

Speaker 52 but that's what i'm saying there's been a pat there's been an adam a jay can i say don't try to play that don't play on that i'm not saying i'm gonna i'm not saying i'm not sitting i'm just unless, again, but Lewis

Speaker 52 can play that way.

Speaker 40 Because, all right, well, I'm telling you this, on my life, sorry.

Speaker 52 Don't judge my sign again, motherfuckers.

Speaker 22 On my life,

Speaker 39 I still have no idea what fortified wine.

Speaker 51 I don't know what it is.

Speaker 68 This is how diabetic is. And when this is all done, when he tells you, don't play that way, I immediately want to play the opposite.

Speaker 37 Like, that's, you know what I mean?

Speaker 39 Lewis is a he's difficult to deal with because he's fortified wine.

Speaker 39 I don't know what fortified wine is.

Speaker 53 You're given some all-good roller hockey nicknames, but

Speaker 39 Ben, I appeal to you before you take your fingers off of that.

Speaker 94 Not falling for it.

Speaker 105 I don't get it.

Speaker 25 I know. Wait a minute, bro.

Speaker 20 What would I gotta?

Speaker 85 I'm gonna have to fucking say Lewis to stop him in case it's him.

Speaker 39 This might be him, but I don't think he knows what Fortified One is, and I still don't know what it is.

Speaker 40 He said it's like hooch, but I don't know.

Speaker 68 Big J is doing an Emmy clip right now.

Speaker 37 Look at this acting.

Speaker 20 It's amazing.

Speaker 21 I know. Just deep.

Speaker 31 We got three Big J's.

Speaker 62 How happy are you?

Speaker 40 Are you thrilled that they're saying me?

Speaker 69 Look at me.

Speaker 60 Are you bowled over with happiness?

Speaker 36 This isn't me. This isn't me.

Speaker 35 Damn it.

Speaker 5 It's not me, dude.

Speaker 57 I love you, dude. I'm telling you right now, it's not me.

Speaker 29 I know it's not you. I know you.

Speaker 81 Have I ever worked at a movie theater, Jay?

Speaker 54 Maybe.

Speaker 53 I didn't know you worked at a fucking video store.

Speaker 57 You knew I worked at Blockbuster Video.

Speaker 90 I didn't.

Speaker 24 See, I'm telling you,

Speaker 68 he fogs men's minds. You can't think straight.

Speaker 31 I think what's happening right now is Patton Oswald is playing a high-level game of Story Wars, and he is throwing it on to me.

Speaker 100 This is beautifully written.

Speaker 41 There's like three or four big words in this sentence.

Speaker 29 Nobody else up here knows big words.

Speaker 25 Patton Oswald. Oh, water.
You're fine.

Speaker 113 You're right.

Speaker 109 You're trying to show us how smarter you were than all these fucking retards.

Speaker 53 And you're right.

Speaker 24 You are.

Speaker 51 And you showed your ass.

Speaker 39 Lewis, you said it, Daddy-O.

Speaker 53 This is Batten Oswald.

Speaker 27 I'm on your ass.

Speaker 72 I'm going to tell you something.

Speaker 31 Uh-oh.

Speaker 41 By the way, if it's you, I wish it was me.

Speaker 100 It would break your heart.

Speaker 13 Jay's heart would be.

Speaker 39 Adam, you'd have to be here for the second show.

Speaker 59 I couldn't do this shit for this second show.

Speaker 39 I get too emotionally.

Speaker 72 I'm like, you looked me in the face.

Speaker 87 Wow, I'm like a hurt woman.

Speaker 110 Alex, all of our answers are in after five stories.

Speaker 91 Story number five belongs to

Speaker 91 Pat and Oswald.

Speaker 32 Fortified one.

Speaker 68 There's no friends in Story Wars. There's no friends.

Speaker 58 No friends.

Speaker 111 Can I offer up this little

Speaker 79 slice of wisdom before we go up to the toadboard?

Speaker 112 I don't know what what the score is, but I just want to sort of just

Speaker 79 want to slide in this piece of wisdom. And I've said it many times.
It's not pertaining to this. But, you know, on Rotten Tomatoes, you go to Rotten Tomatoes.

Speaker 75 I've argued this, and I think you'll agree with me.

Speaker 79 It's just as difficult to get a zero as it is to get 100%.

Speaker 79 I would argue that it's more rarefied air, that there are more movies that get 100%.

Speaker 79 It's nearly impossible to get a zero on Rodney Tommy.

Speaker 5 And I'll tell you right now, in the history of the show, we've never had anybody get zero on the movie.

Speaker 24 Okay, that's

Speaker 20 true.

Speaker 42 But that's what

Speaker 5 that's what we're saying.

Speaker 85 That would be

Speaker 112 in a weird way.

Speaker 116 I would say you are the winner.

Speaker 113 How do you think you'd get zero?

Speaker 79 Again, back to the Ron Tomatoes analogy. It's more difficult to get a zero.

Speaker 85 I think that's what I'm thinking. I think the goal now.

Speaker 66 Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 29 It's damn near impossible to get a zero in this game.

Speaker 41 Yes.

Speaker 79 With that being said, you know, it's like getting pulled over and blowing a 7.3.

Speaker 25 You know what I mean?

Speaker 22 Like, come on, fuck it.

Speaker 79 You got to tip your cap. The fucking 0.09ers.
Fuck those.

Speaker 40 The fact that you found the keys and got in and pushed a pedal at all.

Speaker 113 Nice man.

Speaker 39 You've overachieved by even being pulled over.

Speaker 61 Yes.

Speaker 59 And they're found.

Speaker 79 We're all on the same page. There's a certain nobility in zero.

Speaker 55 Okay.

Speaker 44 Alex, where are our points at?

Speaker 40 Wait, did Patton tell us the story of the fortified women?

Speaker 22 Oh, shit, I'm not sure. That's literally what we would.

Speaker 68 The theater was so friggin' cheap that they couldn't afford a ticket tear. So I would sell the tickets in the booth, and then I would tear them in the booth and give them their subs.

Speaker 68 And then the next person to buy one, I would just give them the other half, and we would pocket that much and create a pool of money.

Speaker 68 Then we go down to the giant foods in the same mini-mall mall and buy a bunch of Night Train and Mad Dog 2020 and just be fucking hammered. And we were showing the worst movies that summer.

Speaker 68 It was like Who's That Girl and

Speaker 68 Jaws the Revenge, like all these bad 80s movies. And we were hammered.

Speaker 68 The My Virginia summer.

Speaker 14 I realized how crazy it is that Jaws, the Jaws.

Speaker 79 The Jaws.

Speaker 10 Followed the family to the Bahamas.

Speaker 60 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 84 Followed the family.

Speaker 9 He had bloodlust for this family so much, he took them on vacation trying to get over him murdering their family in wherever New York that was.

Speaker 59 Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 68 That movie is stunning still to watch. Yeah.

Speaker 68 And I recommend drinking a bottle of Mad Dog 2020.

Speaker 48 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 60 A little bit of grape.

Speaker 39 Some say Mario Van Peebel's seventh finest work.

Speaker 87 Fuck. That's so funny.

Speaker 57 Alex, where are her points at?

Speaker 88 I think she, we discussed it.

Speaker 91 Stuck at the bottom with zero points, Adam Carolla.

Speaker 109 Think rotten tomatoes.

Speaker 79 Think rotten tomatoes, people. Just as much skill.

Speaker 91 In fourth place with five points, Jason Mews.

Speaker 91 In third place with eight points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 84 I'm here.

Speaker 75 I showed up.

Speaker 91 In second place with nine points, Patton Oswald.

Speaker 91 And in the lead with 12 points, Louis J.

Speaker 60 Gomez. Evil.

Speaker 49 Evil.

Speaker 49 Evil.

Speaker 79 Let's move this along. I got to get to Vegas.

Speaker 63 I got a feeling.

Speaker 17 All right, let's take a quick moment to thank Vaya for being a new sponsor on Story Wars. I've known Vaya for a long time.
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Speaker 17 You said cannabinoids. You sort of falling asleep in the middle of the water.
Cannabinoids. The cannabinoids are coming.
I told you this would happen. The machines will rise.

Speaker 17 They're all going to laugh at you. They're all going to laugh at you.
The cannabinoids are going to come.

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Speaker 19 All right, where were we?

Speaker 29 Alex, story number six.

Speaker 91 Story number six.

Speaker 91 I once argued with who I was told was R. Kelly about his cable bill at one of my jobs.

Speaker 25 Um.

Speaker 112 All right, Big J.

Speaker 5 Big J grew up in the hood.

Speaker 30 I'm trying to get there.

Speaker 15 He's trying to find.

Speaker 30 I'm trying to find an angle on why it would be me.

Speaker 68 Is this someone coming in to pay their cable bill, or is this someone that they were on the phone with?

Speaker 47 I'm assuming they were on the phone.

Speaker 25 One of my jobs.

Speaker 24 That's a good question. Okay, okay.

Speaker 79 You know,

Speaker 79 Trump's talking about pardoning P. Diddy.

Speaker 79 He should do P. Diddy and then R.
Kelly at the same news, the same presser.

Speaker 62 But they have to live together?

Speaker 20 What a holiday sitcom.

Speaker 35 What a great sitcom that would be.

Speaker 49 One guy likes him young, one guy likes him bruised.

Speaker 109 Now, what happens?

Speaker 74 I'm walking on sunshine.

Speaker 55 Whoa!

Speaker 68 Can two sex criminals share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Speaker 53 It rights itself.

Speaker 21 You spilled oil everywhere.

Speaker 68 Who would be the Oscar and who would be the Felix? I think R. Kelly would be the Oscar.
Yeah. And Pete Diddy would be the Felix.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 20 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 79 Yeah, Tony Randall type five. I mean, I know it's been discussed.

Speaker 68 So this was somebody arguing on a phone, and it feels like maybe the co-workers were maybe pranking this person.

Speaker 88 Like, oh, this is R. Kelly.

Speaker 47 Or the person was

Speaker 6 pretending that they were R.

Speaker 36 Kelly's assistant and they were trying to get something for free.

Speaker 5 Either way, there's a person who dealt with black people in their youth, and the only person up here that has that origin story is Big Jay Orchestra.

Speaker 24 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 61 All right.

Speaker 48 I didn't grow up in a black neighborhood.

Speaker 38 But I don't think that affects my

Speaker 71 being a part of this story.

Speaker 71 You're saying it's

Speaker 73 why would

Speaker 73 being around

Speaker 60 why would being around black people make me that I argued with R.

Speaker 22 Kelly about his cable, Bill.

Speaker 85 I don't even see the correlation.

Speaker 45 You're falling apart, dude.

Speaker 81 What?

Speaker 39 I don't see your point.

Speaker 80 You better ask for your lawyer, right?

Speaker 40 You think I wouldn't have told you if I talked to R.

Speaker 84 Kelly before?

Speaker 105 You didn't.

Speaker 5 You talked to somebody else that told you it was R.

Speaker 29 Kelly. It's a non-story.

Speaker 69 Oh, fuck you.

Speaker 39 You're being crazy.

Speaker 65 Now I'm starting to wonder if anybody on that side of the table knows who R.

Speaker 25 Kelly is.

Speaker 106 I'm putting my face.

Speaker 101 Really? Yeah. Come on.

Speaker 6 Guys, you're being an idiot.

Speaker 108 Trust me, I'm being stupid.

Speaker 39 You're being a fucking idiot.

Speaker 59 No, don't.

Speaker 20 This is all gaslighting.

Speaker 68 Oh, that was.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 80 This is soap opera shit now.

Speaker 20 Let me just ask you.

Speaker 79 Are you fucking two lemmings going to go along with this ass wipe?

Speaker 28 Are you going to fall the guy who's got the hot hat?

Speaker 68 I am so at fucking C right now.

Speaker 48 God damn it.

Speaker 52 I'm going to go at Adam.

Speaker 79 What's R even stand for?

Speaker 20 Robert. A Robert.

Speaker 79 Is Kelly such a long last name that we have to abbreviate your first name?

Speaker 60 No one's got enough time in the day to say Rob Kelly.

Speaker 24 Adam, let me rub your head for luck before I guess.

Speaker 73 Okay.

Speaker 19 God. I.

Speaker 65 It's not Lewis. I know it's not Lewis.

Speaker 61 Right?

Speaker 68 Fucking good. These two are.

Speaker 5 I mean, guys, just put Big J down on the board.

Speaker 116 Why would you?

Speaker 38 That's not really a fun way to play the game.

Speaker 20 Just to yell at everybody to put me down.

Speaker 60 Why would he?

Speaker 24 Is that far, guys? Is that really fun?

Speaker 29 It's probably Jason Muse.

Speaker 49 It is, because that's what I'm writing, and you're an idiot.

Speaker 10 Jason Muse, lock it in, two points for the big guy.

Speaker 23 Oh, come on, Pat.

Speaker 38 Thank you.

Speaker 79 Nah, I'm going. Have a suspicion.

Speaker 52 I'm just going.

Speaker 105 I have a suspicion. Crazy.

Speaker 27 I have a suspicion.

Speaker 6 Did you draw my beautiful lips?

Speaker 99 Wow.

Speaker 60 Those are nice lips.

Speaker 58 Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 5 Tell me why this is Big J.

Speaker 91 Story number six belongs to Big J Ogerson.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 117 I don't make a lot of.

Speaker 117 I think we did want points.

Speaker 79 I don't make a lot of NASCAR references on stage, but what happened there, Lewis, is you tucked in behind me

Speaker 79 and you just bump-drafted me right to winner circle.

Speaker 80 That's what happened.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 34 I worked at a, before DirecTV was called, DirecTV was called USSB, and I got a shitty job like just answering phones and billing department.

Speaker 15 And they got a call, and it was from a Robert Kelly, and they were saying.

Speaker 58 Accepted.

Speaker 59 They had him.

Speaker 40 The real bummer is that none of our panel get that.

Speaker 79 He was like, I believe I did pay.

Speaker 39 To this day, I don't know if it was R.

Speaker 34 Kelly, but they put him on, they said like, yeah, that was a big thing. R.
Kelly has an account with us. It was very new.

Speaker 10 And I was like, oh, that's.

Speaker 34 And then one time Robert Kelly called it and they put it in the queue. And they were like, you want to answer it? And I was like, yeah.
He goes, he's three months late.

Speaker 28 So they want me to get on.

Speaker 34 And I went on the phone and argued with what I just choose to believe to this day was

Speaker 34 music hit maker.

Speaker 9 Number one selling artist, national touring.

Speaker 37 And we'll leave it at that.

Speaker 68 Let's leave it right there.

Speaker 68 Let's get the next question. We're good, right?

Speaker 9 International pay-to-ho,

Speaker 39 Robert Columbar, Kelly, Kelly.

Speaker 10 Wow. And

Speaker 62 I believe that, I still believe to this day that I did that.

Speaker 34 And I don't know if I, I don't know if me telling him that his cable is going to get cut off is what sent him into that spiral.

Speaker 9 But I don't know that it's not.

Speaker 27 So to those girls and their families,

Speaker 60 I apologize.

Speaker 38 Wow. That's big of you.

Speaker 62 That's powerful. Where's my camera?

Speaker 13 Alex points

Speaker 91 in last place, but now with four points,

Speaker 42 Adam Carolla.

Speaker 79 By the way, I don't want to go happy Gilmore on your ass, but if this was golf, I'd be dominating right now.

Speaker 79 So think about it.

Speaker 91 In fourth place, with five points, Jason Muse.

Speaker 91 In third place with nine points, Patton Oswald.

Speaker 91 In second place with twelve points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 91 And in the lead with 16 points, Louis Christ.

Speaker 85 Jay Gomez.

Speaker 116 I don't want to win.

Speaker 76 I don't know what to do.

Speaker 65 Stop cheating.

Speaker 68 It's a skill and a curse.

Speaker 5 I do get accused of cheating so much now. People are like, he just cheats.

Speaker 34 They're right.

Speaker 40 You're in cahoots with a full staff that fears you.

Speaker 53 You govern by fear, and they will tell you whatever.

Speaker 39 There's giving you a buzz in your pocket or something.

Speaker 61 Oh, I want to bring it up.

Speaker 52 I texting you all the stories before I came in.

Speaker 22 You asked, I'm going to.

Speaker 85 You fuck. I'm just kidding.
I'm just.

Speaker 79 I think it's like that chess champion. I think there's some sort of anal probe situation coming up.

Speaker 33 Yeah. That's what I'm saying.
They're zipping him.

Speaker 36 I just have a giant black dildo in my ass right now.

Speaker 70 Every time Lewis says a name,

Speaker 39 who knows when every time Lewis says one person's name, he'll be like, Pat, let me ask you a question.

Speaker 73 Adam Lewis. Oh,

Speaker 66 I'm going to go Adam.

Speaker 79 Also, he farted out my name in Morris Code back in the green room. So that's when I got suspicious.

Speaker 17 Yo, it's Louis J. Gomez and Big Jay Orchardson coming at you like Cleopatra from Story Wars, the wildest game show podcast in the world.

Speaker 17 Man, we're hyped to talk about Brunt Workwear, the boots that got our feet feeling like they're on vacation while dodging verbal grenades up here. Jay, what's the deal with your brunt kicks?

Speaker 17 Yo, Lewis, I'm rocking the Marin six-inch soft toe. Check these bad boys out.

Speaker 17 Ooh, straight out the box, These things are comfier than my couch. Most boots I've worn, weeks of breaking and torture, walking on bricks.
But Brunt, it's like they hugged my feet from day one.

Speaker 17 Oh, that made me miss my mom just now.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Anyway,

Speaker 17 I've got the toes waterproof safety toe. Look at this beast.

Speaker 67 Plaid.

Speaker 17 I'm stomping around like I'm ready to build a skyscraper, but they feel like my favorite snakers. Other brands, forget it.
Blisters for days. Brunt's built for real work, no breaking BS.

Speaker 17 And And they've got pants, jackets, the whole deal. Tough as hell, but comfy.
Jay, you think these boots could survive your stand-up rants? Survive.

Speaker 17 These could survive your Puerto Rican temper tantrums, Lewis.

Speaker 17 That's actually racist.

Speaker 17 It was a little racist. Guilty is charged, though.

Speaker 17 Also, it's racist that I use them for style, but you use them for day work.

Speaker 17 Are you a Mexican day worker? Do you work 16-hour days for $16? Are you tired? Are your feet feeling so bad?

Speaker 17 Squeezing up in my very uncomfortable boots.

Speaker 17 Your feet are going to feel like they're on a

Speaker 17 trying to think of the Spanish word. You're going to feel like you're walking on clouds as we send your ass across the border the same way you came.

Speaker 17 It's going to feel like your feet are in candy.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 17 You feel like sneakers when I take the long walk back to my dangerous village.

Speaker 17 When I'm swimming through swamps, my bronz workwear, they feel so good. Eventually, I will be killed because I cannot afford to pay the cartel anymore.
But I say, bury me in my bronze workwears.

Speaker 17 Look, they didn't just make a durable work boot. They reinvented comfort for the hardest workers out there.
Mexicans. And for a limited time, Story Wars listeners.
Now in tiny Mexican sizes.

Speaker 17 Story Wars listeners get $10 off. They're like a woman's boot for a man.

Speaker 17 Alex, how many pesos is $10? We just want to make sure that everyone knows.

Speaker 17 $70 billion.

Speaker 17 70 billion pesos off at Brunt.

Speaker 17 It's always one wacky number. Story Wars listeners get $10 off at Brunt

Speaker 17 by using the code WarsWithaZ at checkout. Just go to Bruntworkwear.com, B-R-U-N-T, Workwear.com.
Use that code wars with a Z, and you are all set.

Speaker 19 All right, where were we?

Speaker 9 We're down to our final two stories.

Speaker 38 Final two stories.

Speaker 60 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 49 Alexandra, story number seven.

Speaker 23 Whoa,

Speaker 91 story number seven.

Speaker 91 I was once fired from a day job after lying about coming into work. My boss had called me from my own desk to ask me how the day was going.

Speaker 52 That's fantastic.

Speaker 14 This is tough.

Speaker 5 This is fun hijinks.

Speaker 10 Yeah, this could be anybody up here.

Speaker 68 That's also a great story.

Speaker 23 Hmm.

Speaker 93 You had to have a desk, though. That man limits.

Speaker 72 This came from my own desk.

Speaker 54 That could be a warehouse, Adam.

Speaker 55 That's true.

Speaker 107 Or a blockbuster.

Speaker 61 Absolutely could be a blockbuster.

Speaker 71 Wait, you don't have a desk at blockbuster. No, it's just the desk.

Speaker 54 The counter, desk, the counter.

Speaker 71 That's true.

Speaker 52 That's true.

Speaker 79 You know, Socrates once said the warehouse is the indoors, outdoors.

Speaker 88 I think that's him.

Speaker 42 I think he

Speaker 25 quoted some of that.

Speaker 87 That's going to haunt me.

Speaker 59 That really will haunt me.

Speaker 22 I might actually have to go write that down.

Speaker 24 I fucking own a warehouse.

Speaker 73 I'm not going to work today.

Speaker 48 Oh, shit.

Speaker 79 So I I was fired from a job. A day job.

Speaker 97 All right.

Speaker 18 It's not you, Lewis, right? Look at me.

Speaker 18 That's all. I just need you to look at me.

Speaker 36 You toughen my eyes.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 5 It's not you. I've actually, I don't, I've.

Speaker 84 You never had a desk job ever.

Speaker 58 Well, I've had desk jobs, but I've never been fired, really.

Speaker 86 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 106 Oh, wait.

Speaker 106 Yeah, you...

Speaker 34 You have worked at gyms.

Speaker 38 Maybe you did that.

Speaker 5 It's a guy we know, Jim.

Speaker 69 He's got a.

Speaker 71 Jude.

Speaker 25 All right.

Speaker 113 Let's see. Dude,

Speaker 79 I feel like Patton is too responsible

Speaker 80 for this kind of behavior.

Speaker 29 He was robbing people and buying hooch at a liquor store.

Speaker 61 He worked at a dildo warehouse.

Speaker 68 Once you ship like 50 dildos, the laws don't apply to you anymore.

Speaker 68 Time doesn't mean anything.

Speaker 22 International waters, that bitch.

Speaker 24 That's done. Yeah, you're done.

Speaker 31 After all, Patsy said, I realize he actually fits in with the Legion of States.

Speaker 27 Thank you.

Speaker 68 Thank you.

Speaker 49 One of us. One of us.

Speaker 36 I'm getting Corolla vibes on this.

Speaker 68 I'm getting them to the only thing I'm bumping up against is the desk.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 68 That's what I'm bumping up against.

Speaker 5 Well, it was a child's desk from an elementary school.

Speaker 79 If there's a chair welded to it, it doesn't really count.

Speaker 79 Not Henry Ford at that point.

Speaker 90 Yeah, you don't have a...

Speaker 59 No, Adam's all outside work.

Speaker 80 I'm a setdoor guy.

Speaker 47 He never worked a job, and no job with a desk at all.

Speaker 72 Why should I tell you?

Speaker 40 You're fucking dominating this game.

Speaker 76 That was like, there's no fucking chance Jason Muse had a desk job that he had called from.

Speaker 51 No.

Speaker 15 I'm in your office, Jason.

Speaker 52 Yeah, let's.

Speaker 86 I'm going to go Adam.

Speaker 52 I think.

Speaker 52 I can't imagine Patton has another story.

Speaker 73 Thanks.

Speaker 116 All the great.

Speaker 40 You've already told that one story you tell.

Speaker 22 So you're all the great friends.

Speaker 52 I don't mean that. I'm saying they already told two of his stories, but I don't think it's it's random.
I don't.

Speaker 80 Jason is right.

Speaker 79 All the great comedians max out at two stories.

Speaker 114 A warehouse.

Speaker 79 That's how you become a legend, kids.

Speaker 79 You never do more than two.

Speaker 52 No, no, no, no, no, no. I just don't imagine they picked.

Speaker 22 You got to know when to walk away. It's random.

Speaker 52 I don't think it's random.

Speaker 52 I think they're picked.

Speaker 22 It is random.

Speaker 35 It is random. It is all randomized.
100%.

Speaker 114 All right.

Speaker 52 Well, then I'm an asshole.

Speaker 79 By the way, Lewis's butt implant just went off to make him say random over and over again.

Speaker 59 Yeah, random. Okay, random.

Speaker 118 I said it.

Speaker 10 You are vibrating.

Speaker 58 All right, I went with Adam because Lewis said.

Speaker 41 Just followed me.

Speaker 24 You just follow me straight to the story.

Speaker 58 Follow me straight to hell, my friend.

Speaker 5 Alex, all of our answers are in seven stories.

Speaker 91 Holy shit, you guys.

Speaker 38 Oh, fuck me running.

Speaker 25 Who is it?

Speaker 28 What is it?

Speaker 91 Oh, what? This story belongs to Lewis Jay.

Speaker 29 Holy shit, am I kicking ass in this game?

Speaker 52 Damn, I wrote Lewis first. Fuck!

Speaker 9 The stakes of this game has just gone to nothing.

Speaker 81 There is no way anybody on this panel could possibly catch up.

Speaker 65 Go ahead, tell us your stupid story about that one desk job you had.

Speaker 40 Remember, I used to ask you,

Speaker 52 dude, I thought he was just a friend of friend.

Speaker 31 Guess what the shop was? Equinox.

Speaker 54 At a gym.

Speaker 46 It was at New York California Racquet Club, and I used to live walking distance from the, it was in Gram Mercy, and I would, I set my desk phone to forward to my cell phone.

Speaker 47 So I just like lie in bed and get gym calls.

Speaker 30 Like I was just like jerking off and smoking weed.

Speaker 97 And my boss. We're having a two-week offer.

Speaker 46 And my boss, he called me and he's like, Hey, how's the day going?

Speaker 58 I was like, Great, dude.

Speaker 57 It's the best day I've ever had.

Speaker 5 And he's like, Yeah, I'm sitting at your desk right now.

Speaker 46 And I was like, Uh,

Speaker 28 man, yeah, they fired me.

Speaker 58 That was my last job.

Speaker 34 And he was like, You're like, dude, I can't jerk off at my desk.

Speaker 90 You freak, fucking weirdo.

Speaker 5 Alex, I really did clean up.

Speaker 5 Thanks to double points.

Speaker 97 I

Speaker 68 yeah, I really

Speaker 68 do we need to do the last cat.

Speaker 25 Not really.

Speaker 5 We don't have to, but for the fun of the show, why not?

Speaker 46 Where are our points at, Alex?

Speaker 91 All right, in last place with four points, Adam Caroy.

Speaker 14 Why take the dig?

Speaker 91 In fourth place with five points, Jason Mews.

Speaker 15 Oh, the claps have gone down to patters.

Speaker 91 In third place with nine points, Patton Oswald.

Speaker 91 In second place with 12 points, Big Jay Oakerson

Speaker 39 Lewis has 47 points. Savior claps

Speaker 41 and in the lead with 24 points

Speaker 94 Lewis J Gomez

Speaker 52 let's do let's do like the the ultimate last question round where you get 20 points for this feel

Speaker 52 let's do it feel whoever gets his fucking

Speaker 39 20 points Patton can win everybody can win if it's a 20 point

Speaker 52 yeah come on bro you said you don't want to fucking win

Speaker 29 Hey, Louis, me and Jay have discussed.

Speaker 29 And we've decided for the first time ever to give just a chance to people on the panel. Our last question is going to be quadruple points.

Speaker 29 Yes!

Speaker 29 Oh, Lewis.

Speaker 53 I love all of our little monsters.

Speaker 41 This is unprecedented.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 79 All right, so you're saying I got a shot at eighth place?

Speaker 79 I just want, look, Lewis, you're going to win this thing.

Speaker 79 Just let me read a couple of pages. Just let me read the fucking forward, would you, bro?

Speaker 69 Come on.

Speaker 98 Just seriously. Give him a taste.

Speaker 97 Give him a taste.

Speaker 40 Let me me wet my peak.

Speaker 112 It's just a glossary.

Speaker 79 Let me just look at the fucking glossary.

Speaker 76 Seriously.

Speaker 40 This could change everything.

Speaker 83 Does Lewis win?

Speaker 29 This is the first time we've ever done this.

Speaker 76 This is huge.

Speaker 29 So it's every

Speaker 13 person you fool, you get four points.

Speaker 29 And every time you guess the story correctly, you get...

Speaker 91 Eight points.

Speaker 48 Okay, this is huge.

Speaker 79 It's huge.

Speaker 109 This is huge.

Speaker 79 Normally, before Lewis makes a proclamation, this biggie has to talk to his manager.

Speaker 79 But in this case, we're going for it on the fly.

Speaker 18 We're doing it.

Speaker 90 Wait.

Speaker 57 Yeah, Jay.

Speaker 62 It wouldn't change.

Speaker 91 It actually also wouldn't change anything.

Speaker 9 For the first time ever, we're going

Speaker 39 send tuplet points.

Speaker 116 I love that half the audience is holding up seven fingers, the other half's holding up three and a half.

Speaker 24 You got a lot of fun.

Speaker 70 I probably didn't say it right.

Speaker 24 It's okay. No, no, no.

Speaker 5 Jay, if it's your story, you can get 16 points. So there's two people in the panel that can still win.

Speaker 80 It's my name.

Speaker 84 People have spoken to it.

Speaker 39 They want Septuplet points.

Speaker 29 Fine, for every person you fool, you get seven points.

Speaker 29 Every time he gets the story correctly, you get 14 points.

Speaker 100 First time in the history of Story Wars.

Speaker 100 Wait.

Speaker 59 Ew, that works out.

Speaker 109 I don't think Adam could win.

Speaker 109 So for the first time ever,

Speaker 84 what's 10?

Speaker 25 DECA points!

Speaker 25 Yeah!

Speaker 49 So what happened that night, Patton?

Speaker 37 I don't know. Big J,

Speaker 68 he just went crazy. I don't know what

Speaker 68 he kept upping it.

Speaker 60 There was a mood.

Speaker 68 I heard that people got the same vibes at Altamont. Like, it just was

Speaker 107 really out of control.

Speaker 39 But every time you fool somebody, it would be that many points per person.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I think we could have stopped back at a quadruple.

Speaker 47 Yes, I said that.

Speaker 24 Oh, quadruple then.

Speaker 47 I think we've committed to set a couple of points.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 79 All right, I've had to piss for like 20 minutes.

Speaker 22 All right, what's this?

Speaker 56 I'm not telling you how to run your show.

Speaker 25 Bring it home.

Speaker 68 I was at Woodstock 99, and I was not that frightened as I am right now.

Speaker 68 This has gotten really dark and weird.

Speaker 53 If you guys are thinking this is all just for bullshit, remember, eyes on the prize.

Speaker 109 You can take home at home with the queen by Brian Hoey.

Speaker 40 Do you even realize that it offers a rare look at Queen Elizabeth II through the eyes of Angela Kelly, her longtime personal dresser and trusted companion?

Speaker 62 Kelly paints a picture of a monarch who is sharp, grounded, and surprisingly laid back in an intimate account of a royal life told by someone who spent years by the queen's side, choosing outfits,

Speaker 62 sharing quiet moments, and witnessing history from inside the palace.

Speaker 39 So, with no further ado, Alex.

Speaker 31 Just

Speaker 31 had

Speaker 58 just realized that it was written by the perspective of the Queen's dresser, and it really tickled them.

Speaker 56 I just watched him lose it. I'm so happy right now.

Speaker 69 He's not happy after it.

Speaker 60 Just the person who dressed her.

Speaker 56 The one who dressed her.

Speaker 53 It's a pretty thick book for that, I think.

Speaker 62 But yeah, nice and thick.

Speaker 41 Alex,

Speaker 26 stir it in Marie.

Speaker 91 Story number eight.

Speaker 91 Someone in my family was sick and had a living nurse. What? Every once in a while.

Speaker 78 Alex,

Speaker 113 letting us live.

Speaker 53 all nurses that are going to live in the sick family are living.

Speaker 68 What's the alternative?

Speaker 20 You need to take it to bed.

Speaker 60 My grandfather's got a rare thing.

Speaker 84 He needs a nurse who is

Speaker 73 under brains.

Speaker 65 A living nurse, good.

Speaker 71 Yes.

Speaker 57 Mus empty bedpan.

Speaker 59 Chain sheets and colostomy bag.

Speaker 79 Wait a minute. It is called visiting angels.

Speaker 91 Someone in my family was sick and had a live-in nurse.

Speaker 91 Every once in a while, she would give me a call asking me to meet her someplace where she would have sex with men and squirt breast milk on them.

Speaker 91 It turned them on for me to watch.

Speaker 70 Well, that's the origin story of someone who's doing heroin by 21.

Speaker 52 Big J.

Speaker 21 I mean,

Speaker 76 if you're correct, you get

Speaker 104 14 points.

Speaker 91 14 points.

Speaker 68 Very nice. There are too many clues in this room.

Speaker 37 I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 I mean, so is it the family member that squirted the breast milk or was it the live-in nurse?

Speaker 68 But would it turn on the nurse or the men or both?

Speaker 68 Like, was that part of it? Would she tell the men, like, and by the way, this kid's watching us.

Speaker 37 He's going to be in a movie someday and do heroin.

Speaker 39 You're not going to believe who this kid's going to be, who you squirt.

Speaker 119 Well, so, this, how is this anybody's day?

Speaker 31 Whose day job is this?

Speaker 85 The nurse?

Speaker 87 What are we talking about?

Speaker 110 What the fuck just happened?

Speaker 68 His job was to.

Speaker 68 Although, wait a minute.

Speaker 68 Lewis is right. Was this person paid to go watch? Because then technically this is their day job.

Speaker 60 There's no kickback.

Speaker 66 Right.

Speaker 33 What's the vague on this?

Speaker 68 You know what? The vig is memories. You're right.
Beautiful memories.

Speaker 68 Beautiful, beautiful memories.

Speaker 25 Sometimes the most important thing.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 29 The best Vig of all.

Speaker 59 Thank you.

Speaker 84 Beautiful.

Speaker 5 I am getting Jason Muse vibes right now.

Speaker 24 Of course you are.

Speaker 52 He seems to know a lot about this, though.

Speaker 66 He did, though.

Speaker 88 I will say that.

Speaker 66 I'm going Patton, bro.

Speaker 57 Now, Pat's not

Speaker 57 watching...

Speaker 58 a woman squirt breast milk.

Speaker 24 He was a child.

Speaker 52 He's not. He was selling dildos.

Speaker 79 He told me backstage he was lactose intolerant.

Speaker 118 So this can't be him.

Speaker 66 This could, don't be surprised if this is quietly Adam Corolla.

Speaker 79 Well, this is anyone's game.

Speaker 29 I'm putting my final vote in.

Speaker 5 Jason Muse.

Speaker 68 Sorry, Jay.

Speaker 5 I just sabotaged your chance of beating me.

Speaker 79 I haven't experienced this kind of drubbing since dancing with the stars.

Speaker 65 All right. You're in the mix.

Speaker 52 Can I vote for myself?

Speaker 34 Everyone picked Jason Muse.

Speaker 56 Dude.

Speaker 22 If it's you, Lewis, I'll kill myself on stage.

Speaker 39 I swear to God, if it's you,

Speaker 20 I don't know how, but I'll do it.

Speaker 72 Now if it's not Jason Muse, whoever it is, is going to probably win the game right now.

Speaker 54 I hope.

Speaker 37 Wow, you're good at math.

Speaker 57 Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 27 Final story.

Speaker 91 The final story belongs to

Speaker 91 Jason Muse.

Speaker 94 Which means nothing.

Speaker 105 This is mainly a 21 years.

Speaker 59 The origin story of a 21st century.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 54 That was amazing.

Speaker 24 He knew.

Speaker 52 He knew right away. So what it was, sorry.
I did get paid.

Speaker 42 Oh.

Speaker 39 Memories, dude, memories.

Speaker 40 You're by the quart or the gallon.

Speaker 52 It was just straight up.

Speaker 52 Sometimes it was for milk, sometimes it wasn't.

Speaker 52 Milk money. Someone was really sick of my family, and this nurse took care of her.

Speaker 52 But she would call me and be like, hey, man, do you want to meet me here? And I'm going to have sex with this guy. And he likes when someone watches.

Speaker 52 So I would sit in a chair and watch her like squirt milk on him. The crazy thing is, her kid was like 12 years old, like 12 or 14 years old.

Speaker 52 Well, she was still producing milk, is my point.

Speaker 24 Oh, otherwise they could have had him come watch.

Speaker 55 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 52 Do you have a kid to do this? The first time she did it, I was blown away because the kid's like 14 and she still somehow was producing milk.

Speaker 21 But yeah, whatever.

Speaker 22 How old were you?

Speaker 52 It was last week.

Speaker 52 No, no, no. I was, my mom,

Speaker 52 I was 20,

Speaker 52 26, I think. I was like 26, 25.
It was when I was doing drugs again. Anything first for a fix.
You said it. You called me.

Speaker 71 Yeah, but this chick, this nurse, I'm picturing a Jamaican obese lady.

Speaker 62 Nicknamed the decorator.

Speaker 52 Not obese, but on the thicker end.

Speaker 52 On the thicker end, but but uh, yeah.

Speaker 52 Anyway,

Speaker 52 I feel like it got real quiet, like it's almost too weird.

Speaker 109 Oh, I mean,

Speaker 44 if you're watching out there, Jason misses you.

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 21 I don't why haven't you called me?

Speaker 52 What the fuck?

Speaker 79 I don't want to get political about the ethnicity of the nurse, but these people come to our country and they do the jobs.

Speaker 20 They do the jobs we won't do.

Speaker 79 They clean our toilets.

Speaker 68 Here we go.

Speaker 79 They bust our dishes. They make our food.

Speaker 73 They squirt and lactate on the elderly.

Speaker 79 They do the jobs Americans won't do.

Speaker 48 Let them stay.

Speaker 49 Let them stay.

Speaker 73 Let them stay.

Speaker 49 Let them stay.

Speaker 24 That's right.

Speaker 116 That's right.

Speaker 79 Are you going to pick cabbage in the hot sun or lactate all over a loved one?

Speaker 48 No, they're not.

Speaker 51 I see the lazy in their eyes.

Speaker 79 Who's gonna clean your hotel room? Who's gonna squirt milk juice all over Nana?

Speaker 49 Exactly. This guy.

Speaker 59 That's right.

Speaker 116 You're making it.

Speaker 60 Why is it Nana?

Speaker 29 Alex, let's make it official.

Speaker 31 What is our final score count?

Speaker 105 All right.

Speaker 91 In last place with five points. Jason Muse.

Speaker 25 What the fuck?

Speaker 23 I went from fucking tits.

Speaker 79 I don't get first-round draft pick next year.

Speaker 20 I have to see right now.

Speaker 52 I'm a Tonado, motherfucker.

Speaker 60 You were trying to tank it.

Speaker 79 You were trying to tank it to get the first-round draft for the next round.

Speaker 79 For the late show, it's going to take mayhem.

Speaker 86 Fucked me.

Speaker 79 God damn it. I can't win for losing.

Speaker 91 In fourth place with 18 points, Adam Carolla.

Speaker 20 It's fucking so many points.

Speaker 42 It's so many points.

Speaker 69 It's so many points.

Speaker 79 Ironed every one of those.

Speaker 91 In third place with 23 points.

Speaker 91 Patnaws won.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 22 That's a crazy amount of points.

Speaker 91 And your winner tonight

Speaker 91 with the highest score in Story Wars history

Speaker 91 with 38 points, Louis J.

Speaker 85 Gomez.

Speaker 52 How the fuck was this my idea to quadruple the points and I come and made me go in last bucket place?

Speaker 59 Because what we ended up doing was

Speaker 40 set top points.

Speaker 39 Louis Jay Gomez, congratulations, you fuck.

Speaker 30 Oh, I'm so excited.

Speaker 39 I love you so much.

Speaker 115 Having a big round of applause for our panel up here on Story Wars.

Speaker 42 The great Pat Noswal,

Speaker 39 the great Adam Coroa, the great Jason Hughes.

Speaker 29 I am Louis Jay Gomez. He's the great Big Jay Oakerson.
This is Story Wars.

Speaker 5 We'll check you next week. Good night.