053. Josh Barnett, Sarah Tollemache & Tristan Bowling | Happiness

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All right, Story Warriors. Before we get into our show, I want to let you know that today's show is sponsored by Yokratom.com.
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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson, and Louis Jake Omega.

What is up, everybody? Welcome to Story Wars. Make some noise in here with you, New York Comedy Club.

We are back live here at the New York Comedy Club, New York City, our first show back after a month. Thank you for being here, guys.

Let's go.

Let's go.

How many people are we asked? This is our first time back in a few weeks, live.

And how many people here are familiar with the Game Story Wars?

Beautiful.

That feels good. Yeah, how many people are not familiar with the Game Story Wars?

This couple right here. That's it.
They are a very attractive couple. This is a very hot couple.

They just have to do anything.

They just have to do anything in the world to keep their hands off each other for five seconds. Oh, God.

They're like, I'm starting to chafe. We have to go to a show.

I just want to watch. I would put you guys on the stage tonight.
You guys are so hot.

You'll give you $1,000 to let me watch you fuck.

Story worse. We sexually harass the audience.
That's the whole show. Show me your penis, dude.

We don't just attack the women.

What do you say? say we get our panel out of here? Let's get our panel. We'll explain how the show works.

We'll explain the game for those of you who are unaware.

Arford, you want to introduce our first guest? Sure, our first contestant on the show making his Story Wars debut, former UFC heavyweight champion, and you guys know him from a GCW Bloodsport.

Clap it up for Josh Barnett. Come on.

Nobody knows me from any of that shit. That's not true at all.

Everybody knows me from occasional appearances on Joe Rogan, and they act like I've never been on the show before. They also don't know me as being a buddy of yours.
Yeah, well, no. Now they do.

Now they know we're fucking. And my reputation is forever tainted.
Yeah.

You don't want to associate with me. It's a bad idea.
I'm one of his best friends in the world for the longest time. I had no idea he knew you until you just said that right there.

I thought it was a blind booking. That was awesome.

You know Josh Barton. Hey, she should close to the vest, you know? Fuck.

Oh, our second guest.

Well, I do know her, and she loves me. You know her from the Lady Journal podcast.
How about it for the hilarious? Sarah Talamash.

I don't know if you guys, I feel like your demographic does not listen to Lady Journey. What?

That's not true at all. My uterus has never been happier.
No, there's plenty. This couple listens to it together.

Coming up for air for hot, sloppy sex.

She makes him listen to Lady Journey while while a black guy fucks her, right?

That's as you should. Yeah, that's its own genre on Pornhub.
Yeah,

our third guest, and our third guest, also making a Story Wars debut from his podcast, The Modern Apes. Clap it up for Tristan Bowling.
Come on.

What a panel. Oh, wow.

Good to see you. Thank you all.
Thank you all for being here.

Now, as we always say, for the people listening at home who don't know the show, or if you're here, and this couple,

I'll explain the game. Story War is a very, very simple game.
Everybody on this panel, all five of us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

And today's subject is happiness.

Ooh.

I forgot that I write that down. It's something nobody's going to have after tonight.
Oh, shit.

This was a way tougher subject than I thought it was going to be. That's how sad my childhood was when I was trying to come up with happy memories for today's show.
At least it's entertaining.

It will be entertaining for sure.

Alex, our lovely producer, will read off those stories one at a time, eight of them, in fact.

And when it comes up on the screen, if it is your story, you're the only person who knows that, it's your job to trick everybody to think that it is not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.
You said big energy to me backstage.

You came in like the guy who talks in boys to men songs.

If you want to jot it down on the thing, you can do it and then slide it over

over here, baby. For every person, for every story, you guessed correctly, you get two points.
Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point.

When you write your answer on this dry erase board and put the dry erase board right here in the slot, that is your final answer. Once you remove your hand, you can't change it.

And I'll tell you right now, this game is so much fun. You guys, you're going to have a lot of fun tonight.
The whole panel is going to have a lot of fun tonight. But we're not playing for fun.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for.

Lewis, let me tell you something, brother.

Over here at Story Wars, every week, we are playing for a book from our Story Wars library. Tonight's winner takes home a copy of The Blind Side by Michael Lewis.

The Blind Side tells the true story of Michael Or, an urban teenager surviving on the streets of Memphis with no stability, no support, and no plan.

Everything changes when he is taken in and eventually adopted by a wealthy white family who helps him rewrite his future. It doesn't say white family just to be able to do it.

That's what it is, though.

They're white and white. They were white.
That's the whole thing.

Michael Lewis weaves together heart, grit, and a second chance in a story that's about way more than football.

It's a modern American parable about belonging, belief, and the power of being truly seen.

It's up in the air right now. It's up in the air.

That was very beautiful what you just did right there.

And before we start today's show, I just want to ask my producers, where the fuck

is the Story of Wars bookshelf?

Wait, there's a bookshelf. Where is it?

So, unfortunately, in the time that we weren't here the last few weeks,

the property manager or a landlord or something allowed it all to be thrown away.

The Jews?

You could have just said the Jews came.

Alex. We didn't even know how to break it to you.

We didn't want to put you in a bad mood before the show. Wait, every book? Every signed book? No!

The championship belt. The Soyuz Wars Library belt.

Everything's gone. And

it's been a heat wave for the past three days, too.

And they didn't sell it? Man,

I want to have a great show, but that's a real issue. That's huge.
I shouldn't have asked.

I saw no bookshelf. When he said Soyuz Wars Library, I'm really bummed.
Man, me and Lewis, our energy is about to become so low.

No, man, we can do it. We have a lot of energy.
I'm not pissed at all.

There goes the happiness. Oh, man, that's totally cool.
All of our stuff.

We have a new bookshelf on the way, but the books are irrelevant.

We were going to auction those books for cancer kids. New York Comedy Club doesn't care about cancer kids.
You are here first. Tweet it, hashtag it, tag them.

Put it on Reddit.

Wow.

That's a powerful. Are you ready for war? I'm ready.
Oh, you.

Yeah. Well, you know what? Timmy's not ready for bone marrow anymore.
Yeah, I hope he's not. Sorry, dude.
Put your house in order, Timmy.

No one's going to hit you a home run, and the Legion of Skanks aren't going to cure your weird kid disease. John Cena's not showing up to give you a fucking stunner or whatever.

Because the New York Comedy Club threw out all of our belongings. Who? What?

How did it happen? Oh, this championship belt's probably just trash.

Read the inscription or something.

On a scale from zero to Palestine, how mad are you right now?

Oh, dude, Palestine, October 6th.

When Hamas was Hamas's. I'm ready to do something.
Yeah.

I'm ready to descend on their fucking comedy clubs on fan boats or whatever the fuck those things were in the sky. Fucking paragliders.
Yeah, paragliders.

Showing up in the bayou.

I don't know if those things are weight appropriate for me, but I'm going to be coming in real low under radar.

I don't want to.

We have to move on from this very quickly here, but

I can't wrap my brain around why the Jewish landlords.

That was a redundant. I know.
Jews are the lords of the land. You know, it's kind of funny that the Puerto Rican is going after the Jews.

It sounds like this is going to become Westside Story 2 or something. Oh, yeah, dude.
What is this going to end up in like? Me and Lewis are destined to end in a fucking dance battle. Yeah.

You stole my new shoes in the matching laces.

Are they apologetic? Are they doing anything to, I mean, these books are priceless. These are the Story Wars library books.
Signed by everybody who did the shows. They're probably in the tunnels.

Go get it next to the soiled mattress. Oh, that's right.
When they have to restart society, they're going to have other books.

They wrote in my Mashugana book. What do I do with this? This one's been approved by Mike Feeney.

They got books, they got books, they got a bookshelf. They got a book with you, and you booked it.
They signed it with me. And it it goes in your beeping book.

Oh, we are racist. I can't believe.

I can't believe we haven't started the show yet. I'm so upside down with anger.
We're going to have to edit all of this out because the Jews at YouTube are going to get pissed. Oh,

more like YouTube. And I'll tell you this.

They're suppressing millions of my views.

About six, right? I know they are. It's the worst thing they've done in the past six months.

Easy.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war?

Jay's so bummed right now.

I've got to keep my eyes on the prize, baby. Why keep your eye on the prize or you're just throwing in the fucking garbage? Yeah.

I hope one of you guys wins this because this is getting hucked into the fucking wet street after we walk out of here, apparently.

i'm fucking pissed

all right i'm gonna shake we're shaking it baby we're going we're moving well i'm actually fine i'm good the stand would have never done this to us never

the stand would have shown us respect no no no they would have never paid us but let's give some credit where credit's due at one point legion of skanks one of our table decorations was the ass

if you remember it was sent it was a big rubber ass yeah slash vagina hole that just sat in like a doggy style position on table Very hot.

And if you wet your hand enough, you can punch right into the asshole or a pussy.

It's the

stress ball of my demographic.

And then one day they go, oh, I just, I don't know, it disappeared. Like, did it? No.

Same thing with the sword. Oh, yeah, they just threw out our sword.

Now it's one guy who has a sick fucking room, dude.

You guys want to see my sword?

Yeah, well, I'm fucking a pussy.

Tally hoe. You know, you can punch in the ass, right?

It's got his fist in its ass. He's holding a sword.
He's fucking it. Yeah, that guy rules.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war?

Alexandra, without any further ado, story number one.

Story number one:

I had a craving for some ice while on Molly at a hotel. I set out for the ice machine, but I ended up running through the hallways in the middle of the night in nothing but my underwear.

Happiness.

You don't know how they were running.

Could have been without a care in the world.

This could be a Lewis story. What's striking me here is middle of the night.
You're not a middle of the night guy at all.

Jay, if you listen to Story Wars, it's in history. It's like they, because people do analytics on it now and write it, and they come up with charts and shit.
What do you stop?

Seem like a fucking offensive lineman? Something like 77% of the time, Jay starts off by going, I think this is Lewis's story. Oh, I can't believe it's that low.
Yeah.

Is Jay like a night out type person? He's not a Molly. Well, he did have a Molly addiction for a good year.
That's not even sort of true.

You could have stopped anytime you want.

He said,

sure.

I mean, you're talking about a year that I did it maybe like six times that year. Oh, stop.
Molly? In one night?

We're on camera.

Six times, six times.

Molly? Six times, yes, yes, yes, yes. Easy.
It was a Molly era in our life.

I think you were doing it way more than me, probably.

We had a lot of people. He tried to drag me into a thing.
I'm like, no, I did it a couple times. It comes like a bad thing.
Alex, he was doing it more than me, right? Jay, what you're saying is crazy.

I feel like you were the Molly ringleader.

We knew where to get it.

Yeah, you.

No, that's some Indian guy.

This guy?

There he is. Tell him.
I only did it six times. Man, it looks like he would have some good molly.
Oh, hell yeah, dude. That guy's a DJ in 18 countries.

I mean, this seems like Tristan's young, he's good looking, partying. Dude, I would be, my body's so crazy, I would look terrifying.
Running through the hallway, I'm mostly arms and legs, dude.

I would look like a cryptid.

Like, I have a Mothman physique. It's bad.

And also, I do antidepressants, so Molly just straight up doesn't work.

Fun fact. That's also why.

That's also why I didn't do it a ton either. I was never really getting where everybody else was because of Lexapro.
I know. Yeah.
What a bummer. It's Sarah.
It's Sarah Talamash.

I'm sorry. The topic was happiness.
I didn't know it was gayness.

Sarah has a sloppy Molly addiction that she still struggles with every day.

It's the one thing I can't give up.

She spends ample time in her hotel, in her underwear.

I mean, this is definitely not Sarah's or if there's anybody on this panel, I don't believe it's Sarah. Sarah, do you have you ever done Molly? Yes.

Because this is well, she could be playing the game goods. I don't think we would assume this, but you're right.
I don't know Sarah's young, wild years.

When was the last time you did Molly?

04?

That's why I feel like these people are laughing at your nerdiness. They're like,

04.

What a loser.

How old were you in 04?

Oh, oh,

24, I think. Oh, right, yeah.
Molly age. They had Molly back then.

They did.

Well, did they call it Molly? I don't know. Proto-Molly.
04, I was like five. Right.

I am old. You're not.
I'm just stupid. I don't know drug history.
What are you guys doing these days? Fentanyl? Not like jank them and shit.

Tristan,

white dog. Tristan's young.
I don't think you have a ton of hotel experience stories yet, do you? Nah, most of the time I'm in a hotel is like with my parents and we're at Disney.

Yeah, that's what I was. I mean, that's when I crank up the moment.

Yeah.

I'm Mickey Mouse.

Now, can I tell you,

let me give you an explanation for why I'm going to say this is 100% who I know it is. Okay, who you know.
Absolutely.

100%.

This, a lot of hotels, right? Traveling around for fighting.

Right. You're constantly trying to maintain a weight, so you'd get a craving for something gay as ice.
Is this how much I fucking weigh? Like, my weight class.

I'm talking about when you fought Phantom.

Would they be fighting if they're doing Molly all the time? Yeah, sure. You think not?

They're not checking for that in your pee.

And then also a body good enough to go, I'm just going to walk to get ice in my underwear. If anyone sees who gives a shit, look at this body.
Because I'll destroy them with my hands.

When is he getting fucked up? Please, by all means, say something about my weird boner and my underwear.

While I'm getting ice out of a machine with my hands.

No, I'm wrong. It's Lewis.
It's got to be a guy. 77% of the time, it's Lewis.

I actually wouldn't have chosen Lewis myself.

Josh, when's the Jokerson thing? When's the last time you did Molly Josh?

God, it's been a really long fucking time. Yeah.
Yeah.

Since Sarah was four? Right.

I don't know. Yeah, she's definitely younger than me.

Baby, are you going to be a little bit more than that?

Sarah's. No, I'm just not going to tell a woman next to me that she's older than me.
Sarah's older than you. Sarah's older than you think.
I know.

Just so you know, you can flosh your teeth with her husband.

I'm going to say she is. No, Sarah presents as

young.

They didn't laugh hard enough at that. They're like, is she?

They're still not. Sarah, low mid-30s.
No, 47. Yeah, she's almost the same.
Same age as me. Yeah.
Same age. Same age.
If that was true. We're all aging the same.

Lewis is Puerto Rican, so he's going to hang in there real good for a while.

He's going to look good for a long time. All right.
I am getting the voting started. It's very obviously Tristan, young, fun, having a party in his undies.

I'm imagining it. I'm turned on right now.

Let's get Tristan with this couple later on. I got another $1,000 on it.
Tristan's my final answer. I'm going Big J with all the Molly talk earlier about him and DJ

dealers. Oh, no.
Big J would never go in his underwear to get something.

Someone's cleaning up. No, it's not happening.
I'm going Lewis because you chose me. And also, I can see you being freaky in Jamaica, absolutely shocking all the people who work at this resort.

This is a this is more of a strategic guess,

Jay. You idiot,

you're such a fool. It's been a few weeks.
You don't lie to me on the show, right?

Final answer: Louis Jay Gomez. All the answers are in

Alex.

Wow, you guys. Wow, you guys.
This story belongs to

Josh Barnett.

I said he was on an ice diet.

I did not end up. I got the ice.
Oh, nice. I got the ice.
It just, it felt so fucking good running down these air-conditioned hallways. And you're underwear.

Yeah, that

concept of happiness was in full effect.

Did anybody stop you or try to? No. In fact, I didn't see a fucking soul.

It would have been way better if I had and I would have something to report back, but instead it was just my 250-some-pound ass flying up and down the hallways, having the time of my fucking life.

There was a security guard. I had a bucket of ice in my hands.
There's a security guard who lifted his hat to look at the camera for a minute and went, man. Nah, fuck what I am.

Forget it. I mean, it was in Seattle.
I looked at a tucker out. He'll tuck her himself out.

It was in Seattle

many, many, many moons ago. But even then, we still had fucking weirdos running up and down the place.
So

they're like,

no, not this one.

Fucking a clean sweep. Wow.
Alex, we're a point. A clean sweep.
That's crazy. On the scoreboard in first place with four points.

Josh Barnett. Wow.

We are failing. Unlike Red Band, I actually used the napkin you gave me.

He was using his fingers. Fuck, I mean, I'm surprised Red Band didn't lick it off.

We all. I've heard Expo markers and get you a little buzz.

That's fucking crazy. I know that fucker really well.

Clean sweep, Josh Barnett, Alex.

Story number two.

Story number two.

A kid beat me up in middle school.

When I heard about him dying later in life, it made me genuinely happy.

So far, it's 100% Lewis to me.

I mean, that's a tough one. It's so short and succinct.

I mean, this reeks of Lewis to me, damn it.

Lewis would celebrate another person's death merrily.

But getting beat up? Uh-uh.

I could easily see that.

Sorry, Josh. I've seen you box.
I just don't get beat up.

Not in middle school. You went to an all-girls middle school.

Your mom made you dress like a woman to get in. It was like the reverse of that movie, Just One of the Guys.

I can see this being Big J.

Could you? Yeah. Beat up? No, I'm kidding.

For sure.

Yeah. And I'm sure I could be cold enough to be like, oh, that guy died? Kill her.
That's cool. For sure.

I can completely wrap my head around this thought process.

Right. This just is not Josh's story.
That's one thing I'm sure of.

You're pretty right there. Yeah, yeah.
It's not Josh's. No.
Sarah, Sarah. You should have.
Well, here's the problem. I mean, listen, I guess.
Because women are fucking vicious, dude. That's about it.

If you gotta beat up a chick that gets beat up, she will wish differently.

Is middle school an age where a

what grades are there?

what ages is that where a guy can beat up a girl sixth seventh eighth grade girls can beat up other girls no but this is here's the problem it might be a mistake that was made in the changing assistant

dying later right implies to guys alex you fucking idiot

you absolute asshole

guys can still beat up girls in middle school i thought that was cool

nobody ever i got kind of frowned upon when i punched women yeah yeah yeah because you're good at it

and middle school is a bit sloppy, I have to admit, Tristan might be built where he punched a girl and she did the Van Dam, like, look at her lip blood and look at him, like, now you're about to get fucked up.

Crosses her arms, yeah, corrupt, flying, flying fucking kicks over the motorcycle.

Yeah, I just hit girls with like over-the-hand world star hip-hop-only wrist-connecting

shots. Oh, wow, I really thought it was Sarah until I

bully still alive.

Is this your husband? Yeah, I just

She sees him every day.

I'm going in the inside. Tristan is a scrawny kid.

I'm sure in middle school, he's a smart ass, funny, which will tend to make you friends and then make someone who doesn't like you at all really hate your guts.

And you can get bullied for that reason.

I'm voting for Tristan.

Let me tell you, you're giving away points. You're all fools.
I did not, first off, I never got bullied. I've always been a genius.

As a boy genius, you would never bullied me. As a boy genius, every teacher was sucking my dick, regardless of gender or creed.

No, this just never happened to me. I feel like whenever I look back on my bullies and I realize that I was a pussy, so I got to be like, ah, I got to give them their own.

If I saw me, I'd beat me up, too. Also.

Also, your bully would be still pretty young, so that would be a pretty vicious death to be celebrating. Yeah, it would be like car accident.

Lewis's bully could have died from natural causes or stage four. He died died in the Marines.
Prostate cancer. Yeah.
He died in the first Gulf War. Yeah.
It could be just bad Molly.

Or it could be just bad Molly. Okay.
That's true.

I mean, aren't you from Arizona? Yeah. I feel like people die young in Arizona.
Yeah, heat stroke.

Dry heat and heron.

Yeah.

I'm 27. I should be a grandpa where I come from.
Right. It could be Josh back to back, but it's not.
No, Josh was not going to be able to do that. He wouldn't be happy about this.

No, but there's got to be an origin story. I would be fucking delighted.
Whenever...

I was put out a fucking Thanksgiving post. It was like, you know what? I am thankful for the day that I can see all my enemies crushed underfoot.
So that is a real thing for me.

However, this wouldn't make me genuinely happy because it wouldn't have happened by my hand. Okay.

That was a different route than my brain. I got to say,

if I showed my work, all the fucking division signs and X's,

it was going more like this was your like, never again.

I'm going to train to fight, and then I'll beat up the bullies yes but you just wanted to kill people

Jason I want to I want to watch the light leave his eyes

and no I signed that contract seeing a man's soul escape's the whole point of killing him yeah I mean the best way to beat a guy is to see the will fall out of his eyes oh I bet you break I will say that Jay is doing a lot of yapping

very often when Jay starts talking and talking and talking he's overcompensated for something what's the percentage

What's the stats on that?

Lewis?

Fucking what's the overview? Give him baseball scores. Jay had three triples this morning tonight.
But yeah, I'm getting a little bit of a Big J vibe on this story. It's either Big J or Tristan.

Yeah, I agree with you. Unless you fooled me, but congratulations.

Tristan might get me on a Fool Me Once right now, but he seems so genuine and like, this isn't my story, but my boys, blah, blah, blah.

It's the whole thing. I'm telling the truth.
It's not mine. Yeah, that's exactly what a liar says.
Oh, that doesn't help at all. Yeah, you guys waste your points.
I don't care.

It's not me.

Now I think it's true. What else do you want me to say? Now I think it's true.
What else do you want me to say? Waste your points. Do your thing.
Waste it. The truth.

It's either, in my head, it's either Big J or Sarah.

I don't think Sarah got beat up by a guy. It could have been.
She's just crazy. It's unlikely.
She's so tiny. Why would some guy?

You grew up in South Africa, right? No, Texas. I was just born in the world.

Pretty much the same thing.

It's a similar shape.

It's a similar shape.

The bottom part. You were born there.
When did you move to Texas? Oh, in 79. So I was like a year old.
Okay.

Yeah.

South Africa. Black boy, then put me in the head.
Yeah.

Yeah, he was mad about apartheid. She's 47, so she came over on the Amistad.

You went full District 9 on your ass?

Once the bug creatures came in, it was pretty much no quality of life. Yeah.

Just for the typo, I'm going to say Big J.

Maybe yours.

Well, I'm the feminine touch. Okay, she thinks Tristan.

It feels a very Arizona thing to me.

That's all I'm saying. Something that happens in the depths of the world.
My original instinct told me, Tristan, I'm going with Tristan.

It's true. No offense.
I can just see you having people in your life that die young.

It's true.

I know several.

But it's cool.

Hang on. I like to gauge my answer by the audience's reaction to what I do.

I would love it if that was true. You're an idiot.

I would love that.

Tristan? Jason, it's not always me. I'll lose points just for this to be real.
Jason, it's literally you always think it's me. You're wasting your time.
Every time. Every one of these stories is you.

It's just not you who submitted it.

Isn't that the classic Lewis thing? He says, actually, this is my story. However, it's not actually my story.
Yeah, he's a fuck.

This one?

This is not my story. I don't have this story.

Bullshit.

God damn it. It's Lewis.
I know it. Fuck.
You're an idiot. Well, if it ain't him, it's Lewis.

You're smiling too much. You're so excited.

All the boards are in. You're so fucking giddy.

I hate you, dude. God damn it.
Alex, I came here on an hour's notice for you to shit on me.

I'm sorry Tim Dylan couldn't make it tonight or whatever.

Had to come up shit without my fucking ass. It's not me, goddamn it.
Fuck you guys.

Alex?

Story number two belongs to

Louis J.

Rome.

God damn you.

God God damn right.

Oh, that felt great. That's right, Jeff Diaz burning hell.

Some other Puerto Rican whooped your ass? Yeah, dude. He beat me up the

first day of school.

I kicked out of one school, and I got sent to another school. And

we were something on the lunch line. I thought it was tough.
And I started arguing with him. There was this cute chick named Jessica Janier up there.
And I started talking shit.

I was like, yeah, fuck you, dude. Fuck you.
I'll fuck you up. And he said he squared up and I swung on him.
He ducked. He fucking came up, cracked me.
I fell down.

Then the lunch monitor came over and she was like, what are you guys doing? We were like, oh, no, we're just kidding. We're play fighting.
We pretended to play fight in front of this cute chick.

And then,

yeah,

that was that. And we never talked about it again.
And then I secretly plotted against him for years and years and years. I had a little fucking pincushion doll, and I would have fucking...

And nothing, but never faced him again. Never faced him again.
What what did he die he would have wrecked me where'd he die from yeah I think it was like a car accident or something

it sounds like you did it

I think you know it was weird his brake line was cut yeah

his diet coke was poisoned it was weird there's a guy in his back seat

just me under his car yeah yeah I think he got cape feared by some guy who hated him I like the idea of Lewis just under there like undoing you joint bolts

We didn't have fathers. We don't know what's going on under that car.

Cut the brake line. He goes, I don't know what I cut.
I cut some.

Just a wing.

Alex, where are our points at after two stories?

All right. On the scoreboard, in last place with zero points.
Sarah Tolomas and Tristan Boling.

Damn. The two most feminine people on the panel.
Right.

That's tough. I can't compete with this guy, dude.

In third place with two points, Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with three points, Louis J. Gomez.

And in the lead with four points, Josh Barnett.

We're feeling good and we're looking good. Oh, yeah.
Alex, you two new people. Are you guys having a good time? We figured it out.
You figured it out.

You're liking it. Yeah.
Good, sweet. All right, you guys just kiss each other.
Come on.

Tongue, dude. Grab a tit.

What are you doing? You guys don't even party. In front of multiple countries-renowned Indian DJ.

Good luck making it in his mix.

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ChefIQ.com. All right, where were we?

Alex Lewis's third story.

Story number three.

Story number three.

When I saw a child being born in person, I felt a wave of happiness like I've never felt before.

It was followed immediately by one of the least happy things I've ever seen.

What?

Godzilla. Right.

I'm like, after birth, nothing to do with a birth at all.

Someone released a monitor lizard.

Or like a projector shot out of their vagina and showed birth of a nation. You know, it's just

It's like, how bad is it? I feel like this is a story of your child being born, Sarah.

Like, you had a moment of happy and it was the happiest moment ever. And then, what happened after that? Well, they give you the baby.
That's positive. Ew.
Yeah, but what?

But if this is her story, what was the least happy thing she's ever seen?

The baby looked exactly like Joe.

His mouth is so small.

My nipple's not going to fit in this thing.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like this is a female story. The way it's written, it's like poetic.
It's, yeah. You have kids, Josh?

That you know of? Yeah. Okay, fair, fair.

It's the life of a fighter, man.

Yeah, just roaming around the wastes, you know, seeing wherever the day will take me, you know, fighting whoever comes. Condoms are for boxers.

I do bare knuckle fucking. I do bare knuckle fucking.

bare back fighting.

But still PKFC. Yeah.
Yeah.

I like the risk. Bare knuckle fuck club.
Yeah. Nah, sweetheart.
It's better this way. Yeah.

I mean, look, when I saw my son being born at Washington,

you watched. Oh, my God.
Yeah, of course. It was the happiest moment of my life.
It was incredible. Followed immediately by the

least happy thing? Well, yeah. Then they came in, they brought me back to jail.
But

it was just a mother. They let me out for the day.
It was pretty nice.

So you watched your son being born? Of course, yeah. You watched your daughter being born.
I did. Yeah.
Me too. I did feel, yeah.

She was in there.

He was life coaching my ex-wife.

You're going to do great. You don't need drugs.
But this isn't necessarily somebody that has the child. This could be any child being born.
The way I saw a child being born is not my child.

Like from a distance.

Well, so they probably change it because some people in the panel have kids, some people don't. So my assumption is Alex said.

Which is making me think it's somebody with kids. Yeah.

The killer's in this room.

Well, on this panel has kids. I do.
Me, Sarah, and Jay.

I don't got kids. Yeah, me neither, man.
It's all over the place. My daughter's 22.
Lewis's son's 12.

And Sarah's got a baby. Oh, this shit's contagious.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's like age.
Jizz. An and afterbirth everywhere.
I think it travels through jizz, this particular sickness. Fuck, that sucks for me.

I love jizz.

God damn, what do I do now? Big framework.

So proud of all of mine at this point.

All right. I'm getting the voting going.
This feels like a female story.

Very poetic, very sweet. I want to know what happens at the end of it.
I hope it's Sarah's. Sarah's my answer.

Me too. I also don't know if she spells her name with an H or not.
That's all right.

I don't care. Don't care.

I put Sarah in fun letters.

Thank you. Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Somebody else cleaning up if everybody says that. This one's hard because, like, who says a wave of happy? I don't know.
You, Sarah. Yeah.

Please write your answer in collectively. I felt a wave of inertia and endorphins crashing against my cerebral load.

That's exactly how I talk.

Cerebral load?

Is it you? You think it's me? You think this is me? Lewis doesn't. You saw your child being.

I love my son. Maybe, but not as a baby.
Didn't you jerk me? Stop rhyming at me, Josh.

I don't like that.

You're like, that's my problem. No, babies are fucking great, dude.
I love my son, but there was nothing bad that happened right after. Didn't you jerk off in the hospital while your son was born?

Don't, that's not what happened.

We were going to be born. Three stitches.
Three stitches.

You saw your son be born. Then you looked over your son and saw your old load stitch.

Like, you could have been a baby.

No. This could have been another baby.

This was a big problem in my relationship. It's actually, it was really the straw that broke the camel's back.

Flashlight? Yeah, so no, we were going into the hospital. She was being induced.
It was going to be a long labor, long process.

So once we got in, I settled in, went to the bathroom, rocked one out into the sink.

You were stressed. I wanted to get it out.
You know, you're going to be there in the fucking hospital for 24 hours. You want to be focused on the baby and the important things.

Exactly. You can't be worried.
Wait, I understand. You can't be worshipped.
Fucking exactly. Rocked it out in the sink.
And

I feel so. Did you turn the cold or the hot water? Washed my hands.
I feel so insane. In the same sink? Yes.

Ew.

Shoot it in the toilet like a marine. Have some.

Get the angle right. Yeah, hit it on the coastline and then flush that shit.

And yeah, then

somebody, I told a story on a podcast and she got very upset. My son's mother.
Very upset. And we really never, never recovered from me telling this story on a podcast.

I went with Sarah. I'm just doing a wild card, Josh.
Yeah. Wow.
Okay.

You know. All right.
All five answers are in, yeah. Because it is Sarah and she doesn't actually give a shit.

Who even gives a fuck?

I was more tired.

Alex.

All right.

This story belongs to

Big J Ogre said.

No way.

No way.

No way. I'm so bad at this game.

God damn it.

Big J, you have a feminine way of writing.

I have to paint a picture with words.

Like an Emily Blunt over here.

It was not my daughter.

When I was,

let me see, I guess, 15, 14 or 15,

my mom went into labor with my first sister. And

we had to rush to the hospital. In Philly, the streets, the way they work, we pull up in front of Jefferson Hospital, which is just one-way,

small city streets. My stepfather was driving, and he let me off with my mom, who was like in labor.
It was happening.

And they got her a wheelchair, and they just brought me in the whole process with.

And then,

you know, my mom's naked, and they bring me in the delivery room.

And they had me standing in a spot where I'm looking at my mom's fucking pussy,

which was a lot. You're like, oh, God.

I don't want it.

And then

I started seeing baby be born. And then I was like, oh, it was like, I was blown away.
I mean, I was really like taken back. I'm like, this is my little sister.

It's like, this is, whoa, this is fucking nuts. And then when her head was almost out, and I was feeling this like internal emotion of like, I'm watching my sister come in the world.

I guess my mom has a super tight pussy. And

they grabbed scissors and put it, and they cut her pussy to her asshole.

And I just watched it. I was like, ah.

And then my stepfather came in and I was like, I've got terrible news for you.

Bro, I've got horrible news.

This entire section in the YouTube video is just like, beep,

beep.

Why? I wasn't into it.

How'd you take seeing your mom's Brazilian? It was not Brazilian.

It was, but more Amazon than like the coast.

The favelas. More Manaus.

Jungle tundra. Yeah.
Yes.

The doctor, the guide had a machete, though, so

he got us through most of the hedge pretty easy. It's basically Hannibal Holocaust at this point.

Oh, man, I'm having so much fun, but I just remembered about our bookshelf.

I mean, I'm having so much fun. Why would you bring that thing on? What a fun show, but holy shit.

I'm bummed out about that bookshelf. It's your own hall.
No one reached out to us. They were just like, hey, this is happening.
Deal with that.

Oh, you fucking. That's crazy.

Was it here? It was here.

Did you see what they kept, though? What do they keep? Just junk. No.

Yeah, actual trash. Just like some can.
There are books in the green room. Oh, we're going to take your books, New York Comedy Club.

It wasn't part of the thing. That we keep our stuff here, yeah.
That our stuff could be here,

and they wouldn't throw it. And they said nothing about Jews.

They didn't even let us know Jews were in the ladder or this. We have no idea.

They kind of went to look for it downstairs and they were like, Yeah, we don't know where it is. We guess it got thrown out.

Wow. Come on.

Everybody,

they water down their drinks.

Start turning on them. The popcorn's made of people.

Motherfucker wow. Okay, Alex, where are our points at?

After three stories, it just be bumming everyone out again.

All right, still in last place with zero points each. Sarah Tolomash and Tristan Bowling.
Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Game's a puppy.

Game's a puppy.

In third place with three points, Luis J. Gomez.

In second place with four points, Josh Barnett.

And now in the lead with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Everybody,

I'd like to thank the new couple,

fucking DJ Ashraf.

That's DJ Khaled.

Yeah,

DJ Snake star, DJ Snake Charm.

These two guys were towing my car and having a little bit of leftover Coke earlier.

And most certainly, this couple going through an emotional breakup because he's excited and she is not enjoying herself.

Oh, my God. And remember, guys, I know you're like, oh, we don't have that many points.
Like, we're at, I don't care anymore. Care.

Because what you get to bring home is the blind side by Michael Lewis.

Yeah.

Now, Sarah, you went ahead and just had a white child of your own and hoped for the best. But the blind side explores

how one position on the field, the left tackle, became the most important role in protecting the quarterback's blind spot.

With Michael Orr's rare mix of size, speed, and instinct, he became the perfect player at the perfect time.

Author Michael Lewis connects dots between big talent, high-stakes recruiting, and the behind-the-scenes strategy that reshaped the game of football. That's bullshit.

Josh is correct. He was at best an average player, and I don't even know if he's in the league anymore.
I mean, fuck, left tackle is not that fucking important.

But the important thing is that White family probably got a couple mil for taking care of them at the end of the day. Well, you know, at least it turned out right.
Yeah, and Sandra Bullock,

for all of her efforts, her husband fucked a Nazi lady.

I may be blurring reality in the thing.

Don't change it.

Alex.

Story number four.

Story number four.

Two of my close friends got into a fight, and the the one that I was closer with was really upset about it.

To make them feel better, we broke into the other friend's car and stole their driver's seat in the middle of the night.

It made my friend feel better.

Sarah? Yeah.

Now,

I'll save you guys trouble. It's very wordy, so I get that, and that was my initial impression as well.
But then we stole their driver's seat. Lewis knows what a ratchet is?

How do you steal a driver's seat? Well, you do it.

I don't know if you guys are playing possum right now, but I would tell you, me and Lewis, neither of us absolutely have no idea how to take a driver's seat out. This is out of our pay grade.

This is neither me nor Lewis. So all the focus is over there.

It's not Sarah. Maybe Tristan, because they like, you're young and you like watching YouTube tutorials or something.

Absolutely. Yeah, Tristan is three clicks away from finding out how to remove a driver's seat, without a doubt.
For sure. 100%.

I would sooner learn how to steal the car what's the point of taking the driver's seat because it's funny well because you don't want to ruin your friends it's funny you're not

was it funny

you were just doing it as like an immediate like bum the other guy out to make the other guy feel better this is something you can replace i assume i hope uh the front driver's seat uh

but

uh

josh i'm feeling this is a very like dudes dude thing. Where did you grow up at? Seattle, Washington.
Seattle, Washington. I grew up working on cars, still can.
Yeah.

So it's Josh. It's not a problem, whatever it may be.
A lot of people are saying that you paid Courtney Love to pay a guy to kill Kirk Cobain. Is anything

tell me there's any truth to that? Allegedly,

I would have used a better shotgun. Damn, dude.
You could have definitely fucked Courtney Love in the right time

when she was hot.

I mean, when she was hot, I was probably like fucking 16. so yeah that would have been something special she didn't want to do she was on drugs

whatever gets your next fix is no one laughing is this too real yeah no is it in your thoughts did you grow up in Seattle proper or were you in the outskirts I'm from Ballard so that means nothing there's an LA joke there's an LA joke maybe it is maybe it's just for Ballard for Seattle people

everyone will come up to me like oh where are you from I'm from Seattle well usually the second question is what the fuck do you do because everybody wants to know what you do so they can get off of it whatever it is I'm from Oh, my friend's from Seattle.

Hey, where are you from? Spokane, Auburn. It's never fucking Seattle.
It's always some podunk-ass fucked up place that nobody from Seattle would ever claim.

Tacoma this weekend.

Exactly. Man, fucking

Tacoma this weekend, everybody, at the Tacoma Comedy Club. Check me out.
Tacoma. Five show.
We added a 4 p.m. on Saturday.

We don't consider you podunk. You're good people.

When I say podunk, I mean we'd buy tickets to a 4 p.m. show that I've never done in my life.
Tacoma's not podunked, but in the 90s, it had the most dangerous neighborhood in the entire fucking U.S.

It also created

the most serial killers.

Does it? Yeah, the most serial killers are from

Washington. Tacoma aroma.
They say that's because of the rain. The rain

for Tacoma, it'd be the fucking paper, but pulp mill plants. What's that? Well, they take all these wood byproducts and turn them into paper and pulp.
And you can smell all that shit in the air.

And it kills you?

I'm alive. Okay.

Well, you're stronger-willed than most.

Yes.

You're just the one that made it out on the other side. Yeah, you get an extra piece of money.
I didn't see any of this.

I didn't see any of this in Twin Peaks. None of it.

Well, technically, that took place in Snoqualmie. Seems like everything was all just cherry pie and backwards talking midgets.

I mean, that's pretty accurate. Yeah, there's a big giant guy who goes on about weird shit you don't understand.
Yeah, dude, I can't do

that. Josh Barton, everybody, he was the third bass player in Mud Honey.
These are all just...

You can just make up Seattle stories. No one gives a shit.
This guy was... Dude, he was in Allison Chains before they popped.
I was in Grunt Truck.

Broke ground on Starbucks, this guy. That's the only Seattle reference I have.
Oh,

you guys don't recognize the first tambourinist from Pearl Jam.

This guy played on 10. The one you love.
We were Mother Love Bo.

Fucking Jay Okerson and his grunge rock knowledge. Oh, yeah.
I know all that horse shit.

I'm the only person that can tell you three Tom Cochrane songs.

Life is the highway, the first one.

Are you wondering where the other two are? We're in the middle of a goddamn game, Jay.

Oh, yeah, this is for sure Tristan.

I grew up. Stop wasting everybody's time and write that down.
Tristan.

I was a theater kid. Goddamn right you were.
I didn't grow up. You and your faggot-ass theater friends were fighting.
Then you removed the thing. How big is there?

Now he's going to have to sit in the back seat to drive home.

Home.

How dare you?

Very rude.

You made me fight. You.
I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it.
I mean, I'll be honest, like, Big J and Lewis have been doing a hell of a job playing fucking

diversion here tonight. Yeah, Lewis is a piece of shit liar to the

C. He's a bad person.
Sarah pulling this off.

However, wrong as I may be, I think it's Tristan.

And I spelled it like sex. I think you're right.
Yeah. Ooh, I like a Trist.
I like that for sure.

I did a little racial profiling, and I went with Lewis. To be Puerto Rican.
It is pretty Puerto Rican. It's not wrong.
But then he would have taken the wheels, too. Just so you didn't be in there.

It's true.

And those he's not getting back. Yeah.
That's the VI. That's the tax.
I am also going Lewis because close to the same reason, but also I don't think he's been in a car legally.

I feel like he needs to be invited in like a vampire. Yes!

Currently still.

Currently still. His car's under his dead father's name.

Yeah, he dropped me off in it once.

Okay, so the cops pull us over, dude. Just get out and run.
Hold up a mirror to me. You're white.
You're okay.

I think this is either Tristan or Sarah.

Sarah, where did you grow up? Houston, Texas. The suburbs outside of the ward.
The fifth ward? The fifth ward. Yeah.

With the ghetto boys, yeah.

I was in the ghetto boys. This is a very 90s fun.

Because the other thing is, like, taking a car seat out of a car in the 90s is probably a lot easier than fucking. Tristan's 22 years old.

Like, a car now to take a car seat out seems like a whole to-do. And Sarah's day, you need one little wrench, fuck

four

bolts, you pull the fucking seat out, you're done. I want you to be right.
No matter how many points I lose, I like the idea of the handiness of Sarah.

Sarah, did you have to like the ghetto boys because you were from Houston? I never, I didn't really listen to them. What? I know.
You're African and from Houston.

And you didn't listen to the ghetto boys.

I appreciated that. One of my favorite musical, just funny things that I think about is in that song that I love, Mind's Playing Tricks on Me, that's the Ghetto Boys main famous song.

There's a midget in the group who's the best. Yes, Bushwick Bill.
Bushwick Bill. And Bushwick Bill in the song goes, he's talking about his mind being crazy.

He goes, this guy came up on him and he goes, he stood about six or seven feet. Now, that's the dude I'd be seeing in my sleep.
And you're like, six or seven? Like, that's not.

He said he was saying 15 feet. But to a midget, that is a lot.

Is that the same album that has Bushwick in the fucking hospital? The cover of the album is him and his friends. Him and the other two rappers, Scarface and Willie D., if you look at it, Ghetto Boys.

What's the fucking album called? I forget, but like, they're wheeling him.

It's in the hospital while they're taking him because he just, to scare his own girlfriend, that midget, shot himself in the eye and blew his eye out.

And then when they got to the hospital, him and his two rap buddies were wheeling him down in a gurney with a bloody eye. And they go, smile.
And they snapped a picture for everybody. It's the best.

I guess you guys hate Houston. Yeah.

My answer with all that is Sarah Tolomash. Yeah.
Well, that's a good guess. I think that's a good answer.
It's a good guess. Alex, everybody's in.

That story belongs to Tristan Bowling.

Lewis?

That was a good guess.

Truly, I back that.

That was a good guess, either way. That was a good guess.

Sarah, can you tell the story like it's yours?

Tristan, tell Sarah to tell the story so we can hear like it's from her.

Yeah, I'll put a tear of this.

No, No,

one of my buddies just got a new girlfriend, and he was being all hot shit, so we chased him down the street with bottle rockets. Nice.

And he tried to fight my buddy Hayden, and we were like, you don't fight Hayden. He's our guy.

And now, is Hayden the fucking.

Was he the dweeb that we make fun of,

but other people can't fuck with him? In a weird way, we were all the dweeb. Sure.
Yeah. You were like the Borg.
You were the collective. Together, you were strong.
Separately.

You all had the same Marvel comic that you shared.

You were like, my name is Tristan, or you may know me as Six of 14.

I come from Feta Delphi.

You know, you wouldn't understand. We have power rings, but.

No, no. So he was being a dickhead, and we realized he always bragged about how his car never got fucked with because he unlocked it all night.

So we stole the front seat out of his car and took it into the desert and shot it with guns. Oh, you destroyed it.
Yeah, yeah.

So this wasn't like you're going to get it back tomorrow and it's a good laugh. No, it was never going to come back.
And for the rest of his senior year,

he drilled in a lawn chair.

Shut up, dude. Yeah.
Is that real? Yeah, dude. He had a lawn chair as his front seat.

And you can't assume it's more than $500 to replace ultimately. Yeah, it took years for him to find out it was us.
Because he would be like, who did this? And we're like, I don't know.

He did eventually find out. Yeah, no, he had suspicions, but we eventually.
He stole a lawn chair. He was like, I'm starting to think it was you guys.

Yeah, I got a new lawn chair. Did he find it hilarious? Eventually, he was like, You guys are dickheads.
Like, that's pretty funny. But we've gotten each other back.

He's like, Thank God I stole that same car.

Yeah, no, but it was a good time. Arizona fun.

Hell yeah, you fooled. Tristan, you fooled a few people.
You got some points there, buddy. I'm no longer zero.
Wow. Alex, what are our scores?

In last place with zero points,

Sarah Tolomosh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I feel like we're being genderist.

In fourth place with two points, Tristan Bowling.

On the board.

Climbing out of this well.

In third place with three points, Louis Louis J. Gomez.

Come on, the rattlesnake. The fucking rattlesnake.
He's writing a book. He's got coffee.

In second place with six points, Josh Barnett.

Come on, legend. Legend of the sport.
Legend of the sport.

Show your respect. Don't let me down.

And in the lead with eight points,

Big Jay Okerson.

This is stupid. This is stupid.
If it weren't for the Reggie White jersey, I'd be pissed.

I'm Jay. He's a legend.
It makes me happy. It's ironic because today's topic is happiness, but it makes me happy when Jay is in the lead.
I genuinely love it.

Jay, he's lying. He's going to fuck you so hard, dude.

There's going to be a point in this game where you can pinpoint the moment where Lewis shoves it off my ass, almost like the ass we had a Legion of Skanks.

We can just fucking straight punch through it. He'll do that to me.
You'll see. Well, look, we're at the halfway point right now.
We've done four stories.

Let's get some plugs out of the way real quick. Tristan, what are you plugging? You got a great podcast.
What else is going on?

You can see me. I'm doing a cruise.
If you guys want to spend four grand on a cruise.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm doing it.
Yeah, fine. Bro, who don't? Yeah, who doesn't have $4,500 burning hole in their pocket?

Yeah, it's New York. Things are affordable.

No, but yeah, find me at the stand. I do a lot of shows there, and Tristan is a comedian on Instagram.

How old are you, Tristan? How old are you?

How old am I? Yeah. 27.
27. I just let you run with the 22 thing.
I wanted to be pretty. Wow.

Sarah.

Hi.

You can find my special on YouTube, Butthole Money. And then...

Thank you.

And then Instagram, Stalamosh. Oh, yeah.
Sarah's one of the funniest. Make sure you check out her stuff.

Josh Parnett, butthole money is my travel advice.

Also, my kink.

But now I've got Josh Parnett's Bloodsport 14 having it at the Williams Center this Saturday, 1 p.m.

Come see the hardest hitting action in professional wrestling. It's a show built for wrestlers, and they're going to beat the average living shit out of each other for your enjoyment.

Then I got a seminar.

I'm coming this afternoon. If you like how they destroy each other, then come to my seminar at Immortal Jiu-Jitsu on Sunday at 12 p.m., and I will teach you how to destroy your fellow man.
Hell yeah.

I hope we got to get Josh.

Josh, you got to come on Skank sometime. I got a thousand questions.
I'd love to ask you.

I will do whatever Lewis asks of me

because he is my best buddy. Yeah, well, your best friend.
I thought I was one of your best friends. He's coming to Blood Sport.
I am. I'm coming to Black Sports.
If you want to sit next next to him,

punish him all day long at the Williams Center, you can do that. And I'll allow that.
Is he going to beat the show to you? I might. Don't have, I hope not.
Dear God, I hope not.

I mean, look, if he comes, it's okay. You know, he enjoyed it.
If he hit me hard enough, I'll come. Let me.
Yeah, it's true. Is it because you're a pussy faggot?

You know, this isn't this gank. This is Sorry Wars.
Sorry.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates. If you're listening live, who knows where we're at? I don't know how far away this is.

But I'm coming to a city near you on the Big Jay Ogerson's Peter North American Tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it. Peter North? You get it.
He's my buddy. Nuh-uh.
Yes, I did that.

I did Thanksgiving at Peter North's house once.

If you don't know what's happening,

I know you don't know who Peter North is. Peter Norton, my childhood, he was a porn star who had not just a great,

not just a great, long, and pretty thick dick, like the perfect dick, not overly huge, not small at all, but he blew loads that would, and I've learned this from

my slut girlfriend, that

the amount of load does make a woman feel better. He would change the color of your face, and Adam Carolla called him in front of me the decorator, which is a great name.
Right.

Oh, what a great name for him. Huge car guy, super nice.
So I call my tour is called Big Jay Okerson. He's a great actor.
Great actor. Right.

The guy's been a fucking detective, three different detectives.

And each one had its own individual, like, it's the thing.

Peter North, Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. And then the poster's got a load all over the earth.
So you get it. It's all about that.

If just Josh Barnett gets the joke, I'm okay with it. Peter North had a Ferrari that he twin supercharged.

But more importantly, the guy blew loads that would literally change the structure of a person's face.

Of course, check out Legion of Skanks, the flagship show right over here at the Legion of Skanks or at Gas Digital. My apologies.

Of course, listen to the Bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And some fun information coming out soon on the double vinyl release of Them They

coming out, as well as we're going to release in some way all four unedited hours of the theme they are tapings, the four shows we did in Denver. So look out for those.
Punch it.

Punch it.

Lewis.

Come see me live on the road. Timonium, Maryland, next weekend, August 8th and 9th.
I got Providence, Rhode Island coming up at the end of August.

Empire Comedy Club, Portland, Maine, coming up in September. Key West, Levittown, New York.
Lots of dates. Go to Lewisofskanks.com.
Grab those tickets. Sign up for my mailing list.

Check out all the other pods I do. The Regs, Legion of Skanks, my bonus podcast for people on my mailing list.
I'm writing a book right now where it's basically completed completely.

It's coming out in December. You guys can pre-order it right now.
What's it called? Mostly lies?

Thank you, Chad GBT.

Any anthology of stories of me kicking ass and taking names?

Grab my bullies dead. Go to my bullies dead.

Oh, sweet

My bully's dead. One man's journey.

No, dude, the excerpts, you've sent a couple of them, dude. Yeah, I'm excited.
It's gonna be great. It's gonna be fantastic.
It's called Knives and Spoons.

You can pre-order it right now on Amazon.com. And yeah, thank you guys for supporting me.
Subscribe to hold on. Scribe to Gas Digital.
Make sure you guys do that.

Use the promo code WAR, and you guys get a bunch of episodes that are no longer on YouTube or anywhere else. Plus, you get pre-release on all Star Wars episodes,

ad-free and uncensored. Gastdigital.com, brand new platform.
Use that promo code WAR. Yes, Josh.
What was the show I did with you? You did

the Lewis and Zach show. Boom.
Listen to that as well.

It's over. It's no longer a show.
What the fuck?

Well, Zach, Zach got

convicted.

Zach got convicted of all crimes.

All crimes.

The FC List was just Zach. Yeah.

All right. Yep.

Now, don't listen to that.

Sarah,

Tristan, you guys are probably, Lewis even,

you're probably feeling pretty shitty about where you're at. No, I know how this goes.

I'm pretty shitty because I realized I was on a shit. You shouldn't fucking.
Follow with the Epstein guy. No, he's not really a pedophile.

Wait, who? Tristan or Lewis? No, Tristan. I'm not a pedophile.
No, he's not a pedophile. I've seen his lady.
She's a normal girl.

By the way, even if Tristan was fucking a 14-year-old, it wouldn't look crazy. It would be crazy.
It'd look pretty normal, actually. Yeah, it's like that documentary Girls Wanted.

Yeah, it's their fault. Yeah,

I'm helping her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're helping her. It looks better you than some other monks.
I heard the backstory.

Sarah,

Lewis, Tristan, don't worry.

Because what we do here, we don't really tell this to you before you start the show, and it's your first time here, I believe.

No, Sarah, it's your second time.

So you know for a fact that the final four stories, we go double points.

That's right, everybody. We go double points here on Story Wars.

In case it's unclear,

before when you fool every person you fooled, you got one point. Every time you guessed the correct person's story, you got two points.
But now that bumps up to double points.

Are my shorts too short?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

I don't know.

They're below.

Yeah, they're doing all right, but I feel like they're too tight. Very 2002.
Yeah, they're good.

I'm going to start to get in Jenkos.

For our final four stories, we do

go double points.

So really, it's anybody's game. Alex, do me a favor.
Story number five.

Story number five.

I decided to have a few beers in Mexico with my friend. I ended up drinking a lot, getting kicked out of a strip club called the Diablo Gato,

and losing my shoes.

I still had fun. This is Josh hanging out with the Diaz brothers in Mexico.

Well, here's the thing. Arizona's right by Mexico.
No, I'd be terrified the entire fucking time. Are you kidding me? Yeah, you didn't dip over.

I believe, if you say you've never been to Mexico over that border, I believe you. I've never been, I've never left the country.

Just so you know, if you have and you're lying to me, I'll never forgive you.

Deep. No need to forgive.
It was a lot. It ain't me, dog.

We're straight. I mean, Sarah's not getting kicked out of a strip club.
That's crazy.

And I don't, I wouldn't go to Mexico.

I've heard a story.

I'm like into the building the wall. I have heard, though, if

Sarah, while a straight woman, if she sees a naked vagina, she will just dive at it teeth first. Just swing a finger right straight to it.
And listen, I don't know.

I've never been there for that thing, but that is that's a talking comedy.

I have a friend that used to work at Spearman Rhino as security and had to kick out a celebrity female for being too aggressive. Shut up, my God.
Barbara Streisand, Caitlin Jenner.

Do the Jewish share? No.

Honestly, I don't see this being anyone else but Josh.

What makes you think that I end up in drinking a lot?

Your look, your vibe, your attitude. I don't get out of striping.
The fact that you can walk out into the Mexico City street without shoes and be like, that's okay.

I mean, sit your stupid Mexican pussy on my dick or else.

Yeah, it's another thing. It's like, yeah, in the last story, you don't have any clothes.
This one, you have no shoes. There's a theme here.

I don't get naked often.

But when I do, I tell the stories on this show. Yeah, yeah.

Until you're the devil, cat.

I will admit that I have some devilish characteristics. I have a few tomes and novels and grimoires.
But... You got

Necronomicon?

Necronomicon?

Yeah, something similar. But

this ain't me. This ain't me.
This is not me. Lewis has the Negro Comic-Con, which is waiting to exhale.

I thought it was Let Me Hold a Dollar. Come on, dude.
You read that book? That's a really nice bike.

Dude, Whitney Houston was a star of that book.

This is an interesting one. Deciding to have a few beers in Mexico is crazy.
You have to be traveling

in my life

on my daughter. Never been to Mexico ever.

Wow, if that's a lie, that's a fucked up lie.

Now, here's the thing. I haven't seen my daughter since she was six.
And

I couldn't even tell you what she looks like. So if she dies, I don't know.
Yeah, no. freckles, not? Who knows? You're looking very tanned.
Freckles. I don't know, maybe.
Maybe she's blonde.

Maybe she's brunette. I don't know.
You're looking very tan these days, though. Thank you.
Did you just come back from Mexico? Yeah, no.

I have a backyard now, but I have my girlfriend yell at me in Spanish. I can see this also being Lewis.
I'm not going to lie. Lewis has been awfully quiet.
I hate to take, you know.

Has you been to Mexico? I've been to Mexico a lot. Yeah, of course I have.
I was in Mexico literally three times this year.

Jay, whoa, whoa.

That's crazy.

I feel like it'd be funny for another It Be Lewis come around again.

This guy's a piece of shit I've seen him operate in strip clubs, too. He's no problem.

No doubt. They love me.
They love me at strip clubs. They tell me.
Strip clubs to me. That's exactly what someone who says when they're an issue at strip clubs.
That is right.

He goes, what are you talking about? Do they love the way I grab at everybody and tell them, I'll pay you, bitch?

I'll give you a life, you slut. Do you want a son?

You got to leave your kid behind, though. Yeah.

We already have a James.

You can bring your James.

James, James, James. You can use it on holidays, but only holidays.
Oh, you have a girl, James? That's cool.

Speak Spanish, Louis?

What do you call her, James Etta? That's pretty sad.

Louis cannot speak Spanish. No, he can't.
But I've been to Mexico a lot. I went to Mexico

a few weeks ago. A couple of months before that, we went to the...
You don't have to know Spanish for him to understand. El Prostituto?

El, put your dick between my tits.

Sarah,

having a few beers in Mexico is pretty fucking crazy. I'm going to be a little bit more.
Oh, yeah, just lean in and he's on the road. He's on the road a lot.

They were like in Texas, South Texas, near the border. They decided to go to a cheap place, get some cheap beer.
Oh, wait a second, though.

But Sarah's in Houston right by strip clubs in Mexico, which we know she loves. Sarah's not getting kicked out of a shop.
She said the last time

in 2001. I swear to you, I heard a story.
Now, this is domestic, but I heard a story about her in Nebraska taking off her pants and trying to aggressively scissor girls against her will.

Do you know how hard it is to scissor someone who doesn't want to be scissored? You have to get low and shoot up

with both legs. It's crazy.
And I'll tell you what, she's almost a legend for that. They call her La Blanca Fabuloso.

Hit him with a Boston crab.

Then she hit him with a Boston crab.

I'm so sorry. The fact that Lewis is putting Sarah Lee.
La Blanca Fabuloso.

My answer is Josh Barnett. Oh, come on.
You're crazy. I cleaned my bathroom with LeBlanca Fabioso.
I thought it was.

They have the scrum and bubbles. La Blanca Fabuloso has the scrum and bubbles.
Who'd you?

Oh, May Jay.

Luis. No.
It is Louis. Oh, she's for sure.

You're fool. You're fools.
I'm just Tristan because Arizona.

By the way, Arizona is full of trash situations.

I mean, I don't think it's a bad guess. Listen, I got enough Mexicans in Arizona.
True that.

You've had your fill. You've had it up to here with Mexicans.

That's as high as they get. By four.

Abuelas, niños, niñas, enough of them.

Why do you think I'm here? I want to see Dominicans for the first time in my life.

That hot couples Dominican. Oh.

That means they both have fully shaved privates. Oh, I love the vid video.

Fucking James.

Nothing.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Holy shit, everybody. No.

This story belongs to. Not Sarah.
Is it Sarah? That bad is Sarah. Sarah, Totovos.

Wow. Wow.
Holy shit.

What a badass.

Clean sweep. We should have known because women take their fucking shoes off and they start walking around.

God fucking damn it. That was the tell.

And she clean sweeped it while there was double fucking points.

That is a big deal. Sarah, tell us a story.
What happened?

You know those nights where you're like, let's just have, we'll go to New Gales, Mexico.

Get those bikes.

Well, my friend lived in, I forgot what town, in Tucson. So then we were like, let's just catch up and have a few beers.
She just got back from England. And then it,

surprisingly, I can remember most of it but we befriended this Mexican guy that can't get back into the U.S. because he got arrested for selling Coke.
Classic. He became our new friend.
We then...

You definitely weren't doing Coke.

No. No.

No, no, no.

And then

there's all kinds of bars there that are like you drink, but then there's also karaoke. And then it's almost like a variety show happening.
No, it's called Kara Kokey.

Kara Koki, yes, and then so we did that and then we founded a strip club called El Diablo, which

the Diablo. Yeah,

the Devil. The Black Cat.
The Devil Cat. Oh, I meant to say, yeah, it was the Black Cat.
That's what I meant. And

we got too friendly with the strippers too much that it started getting kind of aggressive. Meaning, like, they didn't want us to be there anymore because I think we were taking away from their job.

Because you're actual girls there. Yeah.
Well, because we were such drunk. I don't think strip clubs like when a chick just comes in.

Yeah, and just is a drunken buffoon when they're like, we're trying to make money and you guys are being dipstick. We might be actually able to rape this woman.
Yeah. It's the only time,

surprisingly, I still to this day, I'm like, I don't know why I didn't get raped, honestly. I don't either.
You're a pretty woman.

Hey, you deserve to be raped that night. Thank you.
Thank you. I don't want you to live in that.
Don't live in that. You're a beautiful woman.

You're a very beautiful. Hey, Sarah.
You had a child. Your body snapped back.
Fantastic. You should have been raped that night.
Thank you. Sarah, I speak for everyone.

We all would have raped you that night. Sarah.
Sarah, on my worst day, I would have raped the fuck out of you that night.

Probably twice. There'd have been so much evidence all over your stomach.
I know.

God damn,

that makes me upset. Jesus.
Hey, can I say I'm having a lot of fun right now? This guy's definitely a sleeping. He's sleeping.
Yeah.

Oh, hey. Hey, dude.

You have no idea, but every guy on this panel laid their dick on your forehead.

There's footage of it. It's crazy.
DJ Oshroff is going to fucking put it in his mix.

I like it. I was sure it says got wood and he's sawing logs.

Wow, that's a shake-up from zero to hero. What are the scores looking like, Alex?

All right. In last place with two points, Tristan Bowling.

In fourth place with three points, Louis J. Gomez.

Stay there. Stay there.

It's anybody's game still, motherfuckers.

Is that true? We'll see.

We'll see.

In third place with six points, Josh Barnett.

And our top two are tied with eight points each.

In the lead, we have a tie between Big Jay Oakerson and Sarah Tolomas.

Do we have tiebreaker criteria? It's

yo, it's up to fate now, Queen.

Oh, I don't mind that at all. Where are we at? Swims? I feel good, dude.
You were looking like a fucking idiot. No, no, no, is anybody's name still? Dude, Sarah had zero points for the last story.

I know, and she caught up and she'd leapfrog right over you like a fucking moor. Please, I'm ready.
Alex, story number six.

What the fuck was that?

Did you have a seizure?

there it is

he's

it's like the real version and the teamu version right next to each other you fucking woke up the cock we have got wood at home

got wood woke up

wait are you are you asking for penis

You know what? But it does imply that you're asking for a guy to have a hard cock for you.

What other type of wood would you want? Got wood? He goes, because I'm trying to build off of

my three season room.

Do you have wood?

Are you asking for hard cocks?

I think more than actual lumber, you're asking someone for a hard penis

to put inside one of your holes.

Mouth and or asshole.

Sir, why are you speaking that? Were you at a loud concert yesterday and you lost your voice?

Yeah, well, concert was by the way, that couple has already fucked two times in the bathroom since we started the show. It's unbelievable.
They're so hot. I can't believe it, dude.
I'm hard.

I got wood.

You want to see my wood, bro? You love it. You love it so much.
Teak.

Teak.

Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors here at Story Wars, and that is Chubbies. Oh, the summer is in full effect.

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Again, you support the show 20% off Chubbies with order code wars with a Z at chubbyshorts.com slash wars. All right, where were we? Alex.

What are we at? Story number six. Story number six.

Story number six.

Pull your shit together, would you?

You're a mother. You're a mother now.

A neighborhood friend taught me how to shoplift. As I was about to make a clean getaway, my grandmother saw me.

I bolted out of the store and she ratted me out to my parents. All right, parents says a lot, this is doing a lot of heavy lifting in this story.
Hold on, how is this happy?

How is this happiness at all? There's nothing happy about this story.

I bolted out of the store and she ran me off to my parents because there was probably happiness when they got to the end.

Oh man, if Josh wasn't on this panel, I would be going, if whoever put the story as it is a fucking moron, but I can't because it could be Josh's. It could be Josh.

I figured. So this story is pretty cool.

Yo, this story kicks ass. It's probably the origin story of a pretty badass motherfucker.

Yeah, I'm thinking, Josh, this isn't a.

It has to be like

a neighborhood where the store is right by your grandmother's house. Do you know what I mean? Like, my grandmother was never near.
It sounds very New York. Yeah, it does.
That's what I'm getting at.

Your African grandmother was in a hut.

Yeah, like spearing fucking lions or whatever. She was there.
Lewis has no connection to his grandmother. I know that she died when she was 17 years old.

That is true. it is true.
Your grandmother died.

It's very, very sad.

Lewis's mother was fucking 15. Lewis's grandmother was 17 years old.

It's a terrible tragedy. I don't like bringing it up.

It's very racist. Josh, is in effect indeed, yes, a Puerto Rican joke?

Can I say ratting on your family is a white thing. I think.

Everybody here's white. Oh, not Lewis, you're saying.

Lewis's whole life he has aspired for whiteness. I mean, he's tried everything in his power.

He's tried everything in his power.

I thought he was white originally. His name's Luis.
He calls himself Lewis. Yeah, until he got to Gomez.

His name's Luis.

When I heard Gomez, I was like, you can't have my car keys. No, no, no, no, not at all.
This guy, but definitely Lewis has definitely run ballet.

Listen, neighborhood friend taught me how to shoplift.

As I was about to make a clean getaway, my grandmother saw me. I bolted out of the store and she ratted me out to my parents.
This could be Tristan.

Frey, you think I steal? I think you have parents. Tristan, did you? And I'll tell you that me and Lewis, me and Lewis did not.

I mean, like, Frey, and I have an old white grandma. I guess, I don't know if she would rat out on me.

And your parents are involved.

Tristan, that's a cool part of your story. You started comedy very young, and your parents did support and brought you.
Yeah, but like, also, if

my grandma came and just be like, we saw Tristan stealing something and be like, why you a fucking snitch, bitch? Like, my parents.

No, your parents took you to comedy. Your parents were Chinese shit fucking stitched.

Yeah.

Oh, you dig this is fucking

stealing things from store. No.

Great dishonor.

Oh, my.

How Chinese are your parents? So Chinese. 0%.

Mostly Polish, but they dabble.

Yeah, but they also

punch you and they don't say anything. No, Josh is weird.
His parents are American, but they speak exclusively in racist Chinese accents.

It is funny for a little bit, but at the end of the night, you're like, oh, you want Lion King? And you're like,

it's tiresome by the end of the night.

It's exhausting. It's exhausting.

All right. We got to get some votes here.

I mean, maybe Tristan.

It's not me.

That's what I would say if I was. Exactly.

I'm going with Tristan. It wasn't Jay.
Jay doesn't bolt. Dude, I'd be winning so hard if I got points based off of people voting me when it's not fucking me.

It's not Tristan.

You say it's not Jay. Josh doesn't bolt me.
Now, shut up. It's not about Josh now.

You say it's not me because I don't bolt. I was a kid, dude.
I bolted.

There was all kinds of shit that would happen. I'd bolt.
If you bolted,

you'd boil it less.

I didn't bolt every time. I'd bolt for a bit.
A bit of bolting. I'd bit of bolt.

And then when the heat from the cop car would be burning the back of my calves, I'd stop and I'd be like, I'm not even a part of this.

I'm just a fat Jewish kid from down the hill.

And that worked out for me a lot. This is Tristan.

Jay doesn't bolt. Rosenberg.

Oh, okay. Josh doesn't bolt.
He just has bolts in his neck. Yes.

I went with Big Jay. Shit.
I'm now stuck between Sarah and Big Jay. Sarah, you already took your fingers off it, but I got to tell you, shoplifting.

I only stole porn in my life, porn magazines. Well, that's gross.
Yeah.

Because you used them to masturbate. Well, they didn't have the internet.
I put them in the bushes. They were there also.

All right. Just

waste your points. You're letting someone sweep, by the way.
Lewis, it's not me. You're letting someone sweep.
If it's you, fuck it's him.

Oh, shit. Louis, if it's you, I'm going to fucking pour this beer on your dick.
I dare you. I want to drink some more first.

Lewis, I have to piss so bad, and if this is you, I'm going to pee my pants right here onto the stage. You happy? You're going to make sure some pisses pants?

I thought it was Tristan, but the way he's reacting right now is making me think it's not a bad thing. If you make this big dude in my battery, and it's you, I'm going to be angry.

Just give your fake answer if it's you, fuckface.

It is him. I told you, never be happy about this.
He always does it. It's his gosdamn show as much as yours.
And I don't know why, but he keeps winning.

I'm barely involved in this show.

If it's Tristan, he just convinced me that it wasn't him.

Great work. I wish I was a genius like that.
Who is straight up nothing?

If you make a sit here all this time and it's been you, everyone else is in because you're making some fucking fancy to-do, write a thing.

If you say me, I'm going to punch you because I know it's you then. I'm going to be upset.
I'm going to deadleg you.

I'm going to deadleg you like that. I'm thinking this is Josh Barfuckin.
Very possible.

Alex, everybody's in. Fuck up Lewis's night, please.

Story number six belongs to

Josh Barnett.

God damn it.

Fuck you, Lewis.

Fuck you.

I'm a white guy with a pass. All right, it happens.

The Section 8 kid showed me how to fucking steal, and I grabbed a fucking... You were Section 8 or you hung out with me? No.

Are you fucking kidding me? No, I was not Section 8. Fair.
My parents were, what's the problem with Section 8 kids?

Because my fucking parents were blue-collar as fuck. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No, I mean, my dad's like, yeah, beat your mom.
He didn't do that. But, you know what I mean? It's just like...

Well, did she have to learn? No, I mean, no. Mom went to

data entry and moved into like systems and networking. And dad went to mama entry.
Running the whole,

the email servers and all that shit for the fucking hospital. But I grew up blue-collar as shit.

This kid taught me how to you just fucking steal shit. I was like, you can just do things? I did.
And at the last second, my fucking grandma's like, hey, what's up, Josh?

I'm like, boom, blew the fuck out of that place. Then all of a sudden, as I'm playing with my new Voltron, the vehicle one,

not the lion one, my dad snatches me and drags me all the way up the hill into the fucking, into my bedroom, which was a bunk bed with only the upper bunk.

And I'm like, keel-hauled, hands on the fucking bunk, getting attacked with a belt. Just getting the shit ripped out of me.
And then my mom calls the cops on me at the end of the day. Jesus Christ.

Whose side were they on? No, because here's the thing. Neither one of them were going to have a fucking thief in their family.
That was the whole thing. Let me ask you a question.

As a trained killer, as you are, technically a trained killer. Yeah.
How do you feel about the fact that Tristan didn't respect you enough to sit through that whole story?

Do you feel like maybe he deserves it? I love it. Do you think maybe he deserves Tristan? Do you think he deserves a world-class beating? No.
If he could handle what would be coming at him. No.

I met him. I met his lady.
I don't want any of the

money. You were talking to my lady a little fucking long back there, bro.

Oh, shit. Sorry that she was turning it.

Tristan's turning it up. What the fuck do you mean by that, bro?

You can see me this Saturday, brother. Dude.

Tristan, you are definitely getting blown in. I don't want the new boot.
I don't want the big boot. You are getting blown in an Uber tonight, dude.

Babe,

to you see i must have dropped that fucking guy i mean that guy was coming at you all sideways like hey pal it's nothing

nah um you could kill me any second you wanted to what are what are our scores would never do that no at the end of the day so um you don't hit with what it came down to was just it was a stupid decision as a kid and that's it did you get to keep the toy no they turned you know what's funny just give ultron no No.

The fucking... What's funny is the

pay and save didn't even fucking like, what? You stole something?

They didn't fucking register it.

And you know what's funny is the kid who taught me to steal, he stole the shittiest stuff. Like the fucking army men with the parachutes and the gum shit.

Nobody even cared.

Those were expected to be stolen. Exactly.
Like, who the fuck buys that anyways? They're always covering dust on the fucking. Look who just got three free lighters.
What a a jerk off.

Alex, where are our scores at after six stories?

Before scores, can I ask Josh why this story made him think of happiness?

Because there was a glimmer of happiness and we thought we were getting away with it. And then

we weren't so sure. I'll accept it.
And you know what? We didn't know that happiness was going to come to an end until our dad fucked the fucking ever-living shit out of us.

What did he do? You mean beat you up?

Yeah, I mean that's how you make a UFC fighter. Tomato, tomato.

He goes, they did what? Oh, I'm going to butt fuck these kids so hard tonight. Yeah.

This is. I don't know which one would have been more preferable.

CPS will never get here in time to stop me from cornhole you and I

feel like my prostate would have been pleasured before that belt had a dungeon.

This is a ladder's chairs and your asshole match.

It was an ass whooping. It was everything all at once.
That was the summer my father milked me.

He beat the shit out of me. Yeah.

Well,

everyone you fight in that octagon is your dad.

Actually, I respect him for it. Oh, nice.
Everyone I fight in the octagon is just someone in my way. Just a black.
And they have to die. Just a black, not like.

Just a black talking in the movie theater. Yeah.

Fuck, I don't have enough fists for that.

I mean, how nice must it be if there's black people talking in the movie theater to know that you can just stop it?

If I had any kind of training, I would go, Yeah, what kind of theater have you been to? I don't do that. I go, I just look at my girlfriend and go.

Okay.

I wish, dude, if I could perform an arm, if I even understood how an arm bar worked, I don't still. Big J, I got it.
25 years, I don't understand how it works.

But if I could just turn around and go, hey, man, we all paid for the movie enough.

When I get to that point, I've already peeked back and been like, I probably could beat this fat guy up. And I go, that's enough.

If it's even anybody a shade darker than white, I go,

damn, dude.

You should come back and watch the 10 o'clock. I have this for you.
So I guess it's fantastic Quattro now.

My quadric fantasy

at the time. My lady at the time of this story is black.
And she's like, What the fuck? These people won't shut the fuck up. And you go, Yeah, you know that.
No, I actually start. I take my watch off.

I do all this shit. And I turn around.
And she's like, oh, you were hiding your watch from your girlfriend? Oh, no. Dude, this is black.

Look at all those black people talking. And she was looking at you like, ooh.

And you go, don't let them see it. Go ahead, go off.
Don't let them see it.

And

I take my watch off. I'm like, all right, if this is it, it's it.
And I turn around and I go, motherfucker, are you going to be on your phone right now.

And they just looked at me and they talked a little bit of shit. And I was like, are you sure you want to fucking keep going with this? And they just like backed off.

And another time with the same gal, I've never had that situation. Another time with the same gal, there was a whole like a bunch of fucking dipshits sitting in front of me.

We were kind of low in the audience. And this kid had headphones on for his like Walkman cell phone.
I don't know what the fuck it was at the time. Walkman was right.

For sure that.

anybody has auto reverse so it starts playing

and then all of a sudden the talkies start.

I told this motherfucker I was like look

I can hear you your shit is so loud I can hear you over the movie like turn your shit off five minutes later I can hear it cranked back up again I step up and I kick the front row in front of me and the whole row levels up

and like all these like 14 year old girls freak out and run out of the movie theater. What movie was it?

Lego movie. I wish it was.

Something

more project and walk in the clouds.

It was a fine matinee of cocoa.

Spice World. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And spice up your life. Yeah.

So, yeah, I fucking unseated a whole row of seats just to fucking tell some fucking kids to get the fucking. Absolutely fucking Luli, dude.

Absolutely.

With my black girlfriend,

Iris the shit of that. How many times do you have to point to her that day and be like, oh, am I?

Then will you explain this?

Here, kiss me for proof.

Yo, French me, everyone's looking.

Let's look at our scores real quick. Alex, please.
All right.

On the scoreboard in last place with two points.

Tristan bowling.

I like him. I like him.

You're still involved. Mostly here for moral support at this point.
I promise you, you're you're still involved.

In fourth place with seven points, Louis J. Gomez.
Still fourth?

It's crazy.

You got four points there, buddy. I thought I was going to jump up.
It's a prime number. It's a prime number.
Four points, bro.

Tied for second place with eight points each. Big J.
Okerson and Sarah Tolomas.

You got that one right, Sarah, right? The last one? Yeah. No.
Oh, I thought you threw it in. I guess you.
Oh, wrong.

Yeah, I guess Jew. I went Jew.

And in the lead. I didn't have parents.

In the lead with 12 points.

Josh Barnett. I'm deceptive.

Josh.

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All right, where were we? Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

For many years, I had very painful hemorrhoids.

Anytime you saw me being happy, I was faking it.

No conversation necessary. It's Lewis.
I've seen the video of you and Ari Shafir looking deeply into each other's assholes. And there was despair.

I will say that for years I did have a very painful hemorrhoid.

I would describe it exactly that way. Yep.
But it was not me.

It is you.

By the way, debate. I swear on my son's life, may my son get struck dead in his bed right now.
You said it was not you.

You told me once you found out your son was gay that you didn't love him anymore.

So I don't believe your swears on his life anymore.

You're ready for him to go. You said you hope AIDS takes the old-fashioned way.
You're wasting it. I'm going to, you know,

I mean this.

May my son die tonight. Yep.
That is not me. Hey, Louis.
It's going to be a sad night for Beatrice. What it be from?

I've seen the show.

May my son die of hemorrhoid poisoning.

He already has it.

Lewis, I've seen the show. You very frequently threaten your son's life.
Yep.

I've never lied.

Hold on, hold on. Alex, backing up on this, I've never once lied while swearing in my son's life.
Alex?

I can neither confirm nor deny that.

You are a piece of shit. Red skin.

You're not helping me. Wait, can I ask a question? How are hemorrhoids caused?

Gay

Oh!

Has that draining on the toilet? K-sex helps a lot. Pushing hard on the toilet for sure.
You know, lifting weights. We're not wiping good enough, but here's what I'll tell you.

We're lifting weights if you're really tough and strong. Eats a lot of protein.

For sure. I problematically wipe my ass until it's clean beyond

anything you would need. You could definitely.

You could eat a loose blow pop out of it.

You need a bidet.

I have a bidet.

How can you need so much toilet paper? Look. I don't use a lot of toilet paper.
I tell everyone I just told everybody. Don't get my assholes clean.
You go to Japan, you learn

the art, the excellence of the bidet.

Buddy, I learned that in Wayne, New Jersey.

I put it on, and the idea is you keep your back straight and tall, and then you just fucking turn left and right. You rotate a little bit, you shimmy, you give it it all.

And you eventually get where you hear

the dead pulse of when it hits the asshole. It's going like,

starts going, y'all.

And then you know, and for the next minute and 15 seconds, whatever the countdown is, it will clean the poops out of my ass, and then I will only take two wipes.

I always relate it to when you've washed a dish and you run your thumb across and you get that.

That's how you are when you get up off of a bidet. Yeah, the guy's not wrong.
And this guy's killed a man in Japan once.

You have to do like

a bidet for using his bidet

You got to do like an anal swish and spit Absolutely. I'm telling you that I could

You scrape the back of the tongue I could probably aim when I let my body accept in water. I could probably aim where I hit I could probably blow up a balloon on a clown's mouth

It's crazy to be this psyched about your asshole and also this psyched about Peter North. You should be

you're too young to know who Peter North is, son. You're right.
He's not fantasizing about a guy's load. No

Tristan. You painted a picture.
Tristan. With a load.
I know. Tristan, there's plenty of young porn stars who I'm sure blow magnificent loads, but Peter North is the OG.
They call him a decorator.

He would change the structure of a woman's face with come.

It's not like he's changing it to like a typographical map of Utah. He's just coming on a girl's face and she's like, sick, it's the 90s.
Have you seen it?

Absolutely. The guy's not a scientist.
It is topographical. Yes.
Absolutely. There are levels to this.
There are different gradients.

The guy could definitely change the geographical structure of your face with his humongous menacum. Lewis,

vote? Hemorrhoids?

Look, here's what I'm going to say right now. This is what I know.
A lot of times when women give birth,

they pop a little roido.

Right. They pop a little roido right out out of their butthole.
Yep. Been with a lot of gals who got kids.
Hemorrhoid's regular thing. Wow.
My mother, I know.

They cut it with that scissors when I watched her pussy get

with the. I remember the magical night when my mom's pussy became her pussy/slash asshole.
Right.

For years after having a baby, her tired asshole. Hemorrhoid.

Everything. Poop, babies, piss.
It's a river sticks.

I can't wait to see Chiron.

You stare down that dark hole and see what mystery shows up next. Just lost.
Maybe a falcon, but with like puma paws. Have you ever seen me happy?

I don't know if you're ever happy. You're like the incredible Hulk of depressiveness.

Thank you. You're always a little bit more happy.
You do. Your natural face is a scowl.

Yeah, it's a scowl.

But I'm actually pretty happy. Oh, sure.

You have a fantastic woman. But I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going based on the fact that I know that most women that have babies get hemorrhoids.

I'm going Sarah Tolomash with her hemorrhoid asshole. We're all picturing it now.

Me too. Wow, people.
But this was actually before you even came up with the description. This sounds very feminine in a way.

Lewis dropped this hint 50 times on Legion of Skanks that he was having a hemorrhoid problem. He was like, Yeah, but it's just like a stupid thing.
I don't even care about it. But it came out.

I have a hemorrhoid problem. I'll tell you, that would be crazy if I put that.
Yeah, now that he boxes, he doesn't have hemorrhoids anymore. Yeah.
See? Not anymore.

No, they always say he's boxing his emotional hemorrhoids.

Everything he goes there, he's boxing his father hemorrhoids and his

mother who wasn't a junkie hemorrhoids. He was a son hemorrhoids.

Yeah, those two abortions hemorrhoids.

I'm really stuck. He would have named them Gary and Clark.

Gary Clark Jr.? Gary Clark Jr.

I'm really stuck.

It's either Sarah or Lewis or it's Josh. It could be Josh.
It could just be heavy.

I mean, I could take a hemorrhoid. You know what? Josh.
Because the lady who... When you're clanging and banging that hard, dude, you could blow an asshole for sure.
Easily.

That's how he lost Mike for three months. Gee, Mike.
I'm saying, Josh, because there's a woman who is correct about Sarah's shoes.

And if I lose, and if I lose, it's your fault, and I'm coming for you.

That's the woman who sold heroin to Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Thank you for the master.

He was done. You were right to kill him.

That was all of it. That was all the good stuff.
Alex, all of our stories are in.

Whose story was this?

I think you know whose story this was, Louis.

Story number seven belongs to Louis Jay Gomez.

I said it second one, dude. Second one, I guess you.
God damn it. I know about your dusty, dirty ass.
I know you never cleaned it. You know why I hate this?

Because I did his fucking podcast and he was happy then, but it's all clearly a lie. Yeah.

This bitch lied to me. Yeah, exactly.

Yes, you did.

You said it with your eyes.

Come on, back up.

Why would you hurt young Tristan?

Do you not understand

for this?

This is all I have. First off, we got a long way to go.

Sherry, this is my mom, everybody.

Give it up for her. She loves you, boy.
She loves her mom. She loves you, boy.

I, yeah, no, there's not much more to this story. I had a very painful hemorrhoid.

I feel bad almost taking the points. As your friend, I know off-microphone a lot, you go, yeah, that was funny, that thing we did last week, but like, it actually is bad.

It hurts. I swear to God, there was a two-year period where I've been like, anytime I was smiling, I was like forcing it up.
It was so bad, and it was brutal. Now, let me ask you,

very sure, Tristan, you remembering like a very old classic moment from Legion of Skanks? Yeah. I complained.
I was like, dude, I was like, my hemorrhoid's brutal.

And this is before I knew about Ari's asshole. And he was like,

your hemorrhoid is probably nothing. And I was like, dude, I was like, trust me, it's really bad.
He's like, let me see it right now. And then I showed him my asshole.

He was like, that's not a hemorrhoid. That's not even.
He's right. And then we opened up Ari's asshole and we looked into the Demogorgon's face from Stranger Things.
It's a Hellraiser, probably.

It was two people in the audience turned to stone, like Medusa.

It was Ari's asshole, it is a different thing. It's like a.

I don't even know. It's like the mouth.
Doesn't hooks fly outrazer? A little bit. It's like the mouth of like,

I don't know what, like a Jim Henson labyrinth. You know, remember Beetlejuice, the original one, where they stretch out their faces? Yeah.
That's what

Ari's asshole looks like Alec Baldwin's face when he changed it to scare people in Beetlejuice. I was going to say Gina Davis.
Gina. The eyeballs inside of the mouth with the top.

The eyeballs on the tongue. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah.
For sure. But, Lewis, I know you had a painful hemorrhoid and you were living with it, but

here's my concern with you. Years

is crazy. Years makes me worry about that because why wouldn't you handle that within like weeks? Well, it's not handling it.
I didn't do it. Forget months.
I just don't have a hemorrhoid anymore.

I guess my asshole sucked it back up somehow. There's more

than that.

Your voice is dead on your asshole. That's not true.
That's not the way it works. It was never addressed with the doctor.
You don't know the way it works, man.

You just said your asshole.

You don't have to have hemorrhoids. Your hemorrhoids, it's essentially an inflamed vein in your asshole.
We all look at the doctor, the Indian doctor knows. He's like, that is what it...

He's a fucking DJ.

I'm a list of some DJs fucking thing. No, you know what? I apologize.
He became a DJ at 17. He was a doctor by 12.
I'm sorry. He went to college at eight years old.
He's dark as shit, dude.

Look at him. He is dark as shit.
It was weird that you're the one that said that.

He's got a black shirt on. He's strange.
Huge eyeballs. You know what, Josh? You have a lot to lose.
Let me and Lewis handle this.

He is freakishly ethnic. Yeah, you are.
Without a doubt, for sure. So you look like Sentry from the New Avengers.
It looks like he came to our fine country in a ring

with a tiger on it. The void, yeah.
Yeah.

Alex, where are our points at? DJ Ashraff.

On the scoreboard in last place with only two points.

Tristan bowling.

He's been on fire, though.

Funny-wise, on fire. Crushing it, dude.

In a way, the people's winner.

Look,

points-wise, was not worth you getting out of bed. But

emotional-wise, the people are involved. Lewis texted me in the middle of a movie with my girlfriend.

She still wants to find out how fucking that stupid movie ends. Yeah, we're going to go see it together, which is the not rape Franco.
Oh, that is the

other guy.

Yeah, the other one. The unrapey Franco, except in this movie, he gets connected to a girl, which is pretty rapey.
Yeah. It's not good for the family, but good for the one brother.

Alex, together in theaters now.

In fourth place with 11 points. Lewis Jay Gomez.
Can I please get ahead?

Stay there.

God's good. This guy plays.
Every week he shows up. Damn, the bridge between me and Lewis is literally like nine points.

Tristan, at this point,

literally,

you cannot win.

I know. Will you go with a miracle involving double points?

Can we start quadruple points?

That would be crazy.

Tristan, you sound like a fool back there.

Sorry, guys. I'm a dreamer.
Obama got us here. Dude, I appreciate the fact you think I've had the box, but you sound like a fucking asshole right now.

Alex, story number eight. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
And tied

with 12 points each. I assumed.
Three-way tie. Big Jay Okerson, Josh Barnett, and Sarah Tolomov.

Holy shit.

And I'm very close.

I'm at a win.

This last story is going to be so fucking crazy. I really hope we gave Tristan 20 bucks because this is not worth it hanging out anymore.

He needs that book. He doesn't need that book.
I've never even seen the movie. Let's see.
By the way, if he got a full...

He's not crazy. You think I grew up with sports? Eat a cock.

If Tristan had a complete sweep right now with DP

scoring eight points,

you would get to.

He would be

just behind Lewis, who's in last place now. Just what Lewis wants.
Before the question.

If he does everything he could do to get the most exciting round possible in his favor, he still comes in absolute last place.

Hey, you guys, check the citizen app because I'm fucking healing myself. He's going to, Tristan, and I know from back in Arizona, he's going to light fires tonight.
Yeah.

You saw what happened on Monday?

You guys saw what fucking happened?

You think Tristan Bowling wasn't prepared for a live active shooter situation?

I got a duffel bag in the car.

Alex, our final story, story number eight.

Story number eight.

While walking with a group of my very high friends, we got stuck behind a group of sloppy drunks. Aggravated, we sped past them just to turn around and realize it was a group of Down syndrome adults.

Oh, dude, that rules.

That's fucking awesome.

You can never tell. My heart.

All the Downeys bullied whoever this was, dude. My heart of hearts says Tristan.

This is an act. They don't allow Down syndrome people in Arizona.
Joe Arpaio snipped that in the bud. Oh, Joe Joe Arapeo, yeah, you're right.
Your sheriff doesn't know.

He puts him in pink and makes him stand behind him in a fucking weird field.

Wait, who? Whose story was the last story?

Wait, what?

Hemorrhoid? It's yours.

It was yours. It was yours.
What about hemorrhoids?

You forget so soon. Oh, yeah.
I mean, he told that whole story.

It's your show.

The Got Wood guy got woke up.

Every time I look at him, he's like.

You can convince me right now that's Rake Yan from Jackass12N3.

Rake Yan's show.

I'm getting Sarah Tolomash vibes.

It's a funny written story. Sarah's a funny writer.
Sarah, it's funny. I know you almost only as like, I mean,

obviously a comedian, but like in social situations with Joe and as a mother. Were you a pothead at one point? She didn't mind.
I smoked weed, but it wasn't

a drug of choice.

You didn't inhale. I didn't inhale.
The friends could have been. But the friends were very inhaling.
You're right, the friends. Right.
And Sarah loves laughing at retards.

I don't know a lot about Sarah, but I know a few things, and one of them definitely is just

a million laughs at retards. Right.
That's what Joe and I brought Joe and I together.

Yeah, I mean, plus, I mean, they're in Africa. They're on some sort of safari trail.
Yeah, I feel like

you know, you see the retards grazing amongst the plains, right? Absolutely, dude, with rhinoceros, which are very dangerous, hippopotamus, or endangered.

I'm going to guess Tristan because you're young and you still have a group of friends. Yep.

You're right. You've never had a group of friends once in your entire life.
No, I have. I mean, I like the idea.
So why couldn't it be you?

I do like the idea of that in South Africa.

You guys would like, I don't know.

What if it's Josh Barnett with a bunch of his friends, but it's high-elite level fighters?

We were so sloppy drunk. I wouldn't

beat it retards, and then we beat them into being normal.

I arm-barred a retarded guy until he fucking did long division.

That girl's leaving. I'm sorry about your retard, brother.

I just wasn't. That girl's got a retard brother.
She gets mad.

She'll be fine.

All right, I'm going to start the voting going. I feel like this is Sarah.
I don't know. I'm getting Sarah vibes.
Lewis, if this is you.

Can I tell you something if this is you? Please. I'll continue to do the show with you, but our friendship's over, as you know it.
It's okay. I don't give a fuck either then.
It's wordy.

Your friendship is a patient. I think it's a woman.
I think it's Sarah. Your friendship is meaningless to me.
I'm putting Sarah as well because I want to be cool and I want you guys to like me.

I do like you. Tristan, stop.
I already like you. I love you better.
How great is Tristan tonight, guys? Go on.

Guys, I'm coming right now.

Everyone's answers are in.

Alex?

The final story belongs to

Tristan Bowling.

Fuck.

Almost a queen sweep if it wasn't for this witch beside me.

What a horrible, terrible person. You goddamn bitch.

No, no, it would, no. So me and my buddies got obliterated in my Toyota Avalon.
Nice.

Before going to see a Coyotes game in Phoenix, we won tickets just because they're giving them out. They're not even team anymore.
Are they not? Yeah, no, it's shocking.

Turns out hockey doesn't work well well in Arizona. No shit.

119 degrees in the winter, they don't have.

I know, right? Isn't that shocking? Isn't that becoming cost-effective because of the ice?

No, the Zamboni guys paid heavily. But

no, we were walking in front of just the slowest group of all time, and we're already high, so we're walking slow.

And we're like, these guys, every time someone would pass us in a coyote's jersey, they would start howling.

And so we're like, these guys are fucking obliterated.

And then we like spedwalk past them, like, look at these dick bags. And it was just a gaggle

of just the most Down syndrome guys we've ever seen. They could have been drunk, too.
Nah, I mean, they could have been drunk too, but they're more Down syndrome than drunk.

They can drink, they can drink. I mean, drinking usually doesn't put your eyes further across.
You'd be surprised. When I did karaoke, a lot of retards like to sing drunk.

And I mean that positively.

No, so

we

we walked past a flock.

Is that the technical term? Yeah, it's called a goofy. You're wrong.

It's a goofy of down syndrome. Yeah, yeah, that's good.
I thought it was a murder of tards.

Is that the next book we're raffling on? No, I think it is.

A murder of tards, storing Gregory Peck. Yeah.

Fuck. It's a Dickens novel.

Dickens Couch. But

no. So we walked past them and we all just started chuckling like, oh my god, we thought they were drunk.
And then they howled again, and my buddy looks at me.

He's like, they're turning into werewolves. Oh, God.

And that became

a matter. He's already as superhuman strength as humans.
I know.

They're honestly exceptional. And

truly the perfect soldier. But

they can all play the piano. They can carry the heaviest weapons.

Oh, yeah. Dude, imagine a downsitting guy with a light machine gun.
Yo, is that fucking retarded guy holding a tech gun?

Yeah. Is that a 50 cal? He's just straddling?

No, but

we eventually

we're still high as fuck, and they got on the jumbotron and just kept on howling.

And that's when my girlfriend at the time got very upset because we were laughing hysterically at these guys turning into werewolves in front of us.

But in actuality, they're chomping down on devil dogs, having the time of their life. Shout out to downsiting to me.
So she didn't like the you were a piece of shit? It's time for her to go.

Or enjoying life? Yeah,

enjoying life.

What are you laughing at the misfortune of others, like a normal person? I choose to call it living La Vita Loca. Yes, exactly, it is.
Yeah, and uh, no, it was fantastic.

Those retards will push and pull you out,

La Vita Loca. No, yeah, right side inside out.
A lot of those retards, our eyes are color red, and their skins are the colour mocha. Yeah,

I only know that songs pull you out. Yeah.
Living Levita Loca. Yeah, and I only know that y'all from Shrek 2.

Alex. I only know from trying to get laid in 97.

Alex, what is our final spread at? Eight stories. This is crazy.
I have no idea who won right now. No idea who was in the world.
All over the place. This is crazy.

In last place, no longer with the lowest score in Star Wars history with eight points. Hey, Alex, don't frame it like that.

Hey, Alex. You got yourself out of it, dude.
It was really, it was that close.

She's going to frame it how she wants to frame it. Tristan Bowling.

Look at the beers I've gathered. My girlfriend's going to be pissed.

In fourth place with 11 points. Fuck off.
Lewis, Jay, Gomez.

I hate losing.

I still love you guys, though.

You're at the bottom with me, pal.

Water's warm.

I did pee in it.

We have a tie for second place with 12 points each,

and your winner tonight with 16 points,

Sarah Tolomos.

Dig Jay and Josh, Tya 12.

Sarah gets the book. 16 points.
The blind side. She's the blind side.
That's right. True story going right to Sarah Tolomas.
I like the digging of this. This is good.

You could have just adopted a black child to become an athlete.

But you gave birth to a white child with no athletic skills. Read this and weep.

Oh, you didn't sign it yet? I'm sorry. Give it back to Lewis and sign it.
We're all going to sign it. By the way, we're going to sign it.
You're going to take it home.

Thank God, because they will toss it here like it's garbage.

Having a big round of applause for our winner, Sarah Talomash, your newest story warrior.

Sarah,

we always

got to let every winner know that you now wield the power

of saying the phrase that gets everybody to go for. The phrase that pays.
The phrase that pays. What's the phrase that pays? Well, what happens for the last four stories? We go.

double points

everybody big congratulations to our newest story warrior Sarah Talmash how about it for Tristan Bowling

Tristan Bowling first time on the show

UFC legend MMA legend Josh Barnett

Thank you guys for being here for Story Warriors. We'll catch you guys next time.
Until then, good night.

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