052. Yakov Smirnoff, Brendan Sagalow & Rachel Wolfson | Violence

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7.45 p.m.

to be a part of the show.

Don't be a piece of shit.

Just get your tickets and come.

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All right, Story Warriors.

Before we get into our show, I want to let you know that today's show is sponsored by Yokratom.com.

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J.

Come.

Yeah, what's up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars.

Thank you for coming out.

Make some noise here at the New York Comedy Club for us.

The new home.

The new home.

The new home.

Live every Wednesday night, and sometimes twice on a Sunday.

Sometimes twice on a Sunday.

When we got to stockpile them.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

How many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars?

Oh, okay.

A lot of people.

They're going to love it.

You guys are going to fall in love tonight.

Once again, you two,

you're going to fall in love with this game.

Just so you know.

Look, he's taking his clothes off already.

And then you're going to go home and take that girl back hostage.

I believe in you.

If you're not familiar with the game, we will explain it after we get our esteemed panel of contestants up here.

Lewis, why don't you start introducing our guests for the evening?

Yes, you guys know her from Jackass 5, I think it was, the one that just came out?

Four.

Four?

Whatever.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know her from Jackass 4.

Hilarious comedian clapping up his loudest card for Rachel Wolfson.

Hey, Rachel.

Hi, Rachel.

Thank you for doing the show.

Oh, thank you guys for having me.

First time on Story Wars.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Our second contestant, you know him from his podcast, Sag Daddy the Pod.

His special Thin Lips is available right now on YouTube.

How about it for the hilarious Brendan Sagalow?

Yeah, what the fuck's up?

Is that your own rap?

That's good.

Yeah, good is that.

Yeah.

And they were like, it is?

That's what I'm going for.

Everyone's going to ignore you almost knocking over the Story Wars bookshelf.

Oh, my God.

That thing's coming down.

If I don't win this, I'm knocking it down.

And our third competitor for the evening, a literal living legend returning to Story Wars.

You might recognize him from Night Court or just touring the entire world.

Clap it up as loud as can for Yakov Smirnov.

Yakov Smirnoff returning to the show.

Thank you, my friend.

This is one of the most unexpected friendships in comedy is Yakov Smirnoff and the Legion of Saints.

Nobody saw that happening.

I did.

I've had it on my whatever that thing is.

Vision board.

The vision board.

Damn, that would have been funny.

If you are not familiar with the game here, or if you're listening at home for the first time, Story Wars is a very simple game.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis?

Violence.

Violence.

Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to pick eight of those stories in no random order, and she is going to read them one at a time.

It'll come up here on this screen.

If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody that's not your story.

And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Now, for every story you guess correct, you get two points.

Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point.

Once you write the name on the dry erase board, put it in this little slot right here, remove your hand.

That is your final answer.

You can't change it.

That's that.

It sounds very confusing.

I promise you guys, after a story or two, you're going to get it.

It's going to be your favorite show ever.

And I'll tell you right now, this is a lot of fun.

This game is so much fun.

We love it.

Everyone loves it.

But we're not playing.

Just kidding, you guys.

You think that now, Sagalow.

Let him laugh.

Make fun all you want, Sagalow.

But you know what, Alex?

Start him with negative five points.

No, fine.

We're not playing for fun.

Jay, tell him what we're playing for.

Every week, we are competing for a book from the Story Wars library.

Tonight's winner goes home with the Young Writers' Day by Just Bree, signed copy.

When 14-year-old aspiring author Marlee James enters her school's Young Writers' Day competition, she's just hoping to share her love of storytelling.

But as the event draws near, the pressure builds from jealous classmates demanding teachers and her own teenage self-doubt.

When a mysterious anonymous story circulates through the school, Marley finds herself caught in the middle of a literary mystery that threatens to overshadow the entire celebration.

And we're just going to give that away to the winner.

Young Writers' Day.

You got to earn it, though.

Just Bree?

Do you think she's dead?

She's so little, but what if that was just like a dumb thing she wrote before she got hit by a car?

Well, I guess the winner's going to find out.

Let me ask this crowd: are you guys ready for war?

Are you guys ready for war?

Then, Alex, without any further ado, story number one.

Story number one:

One year on Christmas Eve, my uncles fist-fought each other.

My grandfather had to step in and punch one of them in the face.

Reeks a Lewis, but

I don't know if he had a grandfather.

He has this much family.

I'm Puerto Rican.

All we have is family.

No, no, no.

But I think before the first Christmas, most of them get killed.

Don't be that way.

Don't be that.

You're right.

But

I really didn't have.

I only met my one grandfather once, and my Puerto Rican grandfather, I don't even know if he's alive or dead right now.

I got to be honest with you.

So this is not me.

This has white trash written on it.

White,

specifically.

White trash.

And who is the biggest white trash person on this panel?

Jay, but.

I'm fucking Jewish.

We don't celebrate Christmas Eve.

Yes, you do.

You literally celebrate Christmas.

You're a terrible Jew.

Yeah, now.

Or, in my opinion, a great Jew.

Yes.

You're full Jewish.

My dad's not Jewish, but I grew up with.

My dad left when I was three.

The red herring, folks.

Yeah, no, my uncles wouldn't.

This wouldn't be a story that could possibly be me.

My uncle's

fist fight.

That is the weakest argument you have.

On a Christmas Eve.

Well, if we're talking about the Jewish uncles, my uncle Mark, who was like a kind of a rough and tumble heroin addict, would beat the shit out of my super Jewy Uncle Barry.

Uncle Barry would get fucked up over.

So it's not a fist fight.

It would be a one-sided ass kicking from my biker-y Jewish uncle Mark

to my very nebishy tuck-in-his shirt on a fucking weekend,

Jewish, lot of allergies type guy.

Right.

Rachel, what type of family did you come from?

Normal, not really.

They're Jewish.

They're Jew, you're Wolf Sam.

But not, yeah, but not like

super Jew.

They're like,

they're not like tunnel Jews.

They're above ground.

Nice.

Jewish.

But maybe your uncles were fist fighting because they were pissed off they couldn't celebrate Christmas.

I don't know.

This screams Soviet Union to me.

I tell you, it's very, very possible.

A tough Russian upbringing does seem like your dad might have to punch one of the uncles in the face.

On Christmas Eve, my uncles fist fights for heat.

For heat.

It was so cold they needed to move and to create friction.

Like the flash.

No, I think this is Rachel.

Because only women really think think about their grandfathers all the time.

Oh, yeah.

He's not wrong.

Right?

Yeah, I'm feeling.

This doesn't feel like Yakov to me.

Well,

we didn't celebrate Christmas.

It was not allowed.

Yeah.

It's true.

Not allow.

It was not allowed.

Jehovah's Witnesses?

No, communists.

Oh.

Right.

Wait, in communists, Russia, you weren't allowed to celebrate Christmas?

Correct.

That sucks.

Where Santa has to bring everybody the exact same thing.

One billion chia pets, please.

Everyone get a bottle of vodka.

Even little ones.

Well, they changed it.

You know, they

didn't allow Christmas, but they moved the tree and the decorations to New Year's instead of Santa Claus with Father Frost.

Arnold Schwarzenegger from the Batman movie?

The what?

Oh, never mind.

It was a bad joke.

It was a bad joke, young folks.

Two of these

in the morning.

Maybe it's Sagalow, though.

Sagalow, you're out here accusing everybody left and right.

That's true.

I would think it was me if I was doing that.

Oh, and I found out that Sagalo is just like a long-island piece of shit with a bunch of dumb degos that probably punch each other.

He's a fucking wigger.

Their uncles beat the shit out of each other.

Okay, hold on, you guys.

don't turn on me this couldn't possibly me be me why you couldn't even

you couldn't even get the sentence out

no this just never happened i would understand if it did if because i would think it was me if i were you but it just i swear to god i swear on my mother that this your mother is a whore

you can still swear on a whore that's actually how i get off

i stand above them going you fucking are

rachel's awful quiet though but yeah but if you're Jewish, Christmas Eve doesn't really resonate with us.

We're still around on Christmas Eve.

Like, we celebrate others people's Christmas Eves.

With the whole family?

With someone's family.

Did you guys drink on Christmas?

We drink every day.

There you go.

My family's a bunch of fucking sober idiots.

Yeah, with the fury of a thousand lions inside of them.

Wait, you're Jewish?

I'm half Jewish, yeah.

And you're Jewish?

And I'm Jewish?

Secular, you're half Jewish?

Which hat?

The top or the bottom?

Look at us.

Yeah,

my dad is Jewish.

Really, that's not really that Jewish.

No.

Your mom's got to be Jewish.

Yes.

You got to come out of a Jewish pussy.

It's Sagalow.

Jewish pussy.

You talking about Big J?

You motherfuck.

I have no idea who this is.

No one's given us.

I'm down the.

Sagalo or Rachel?

I swear to fucking God, bro.

This is not you, right?

You don't even have multiple uncles.

You have one aunt.

She's like 100%.

I'm going to start the voting right now.

I'm going Big Jay Okerson.

Really?

There's something shady about the way he's acting right now.

Because you're accusing everybody, too.

Here we go.

But I'm going to say Rachel, because I don't know.

You just seem like somebody whose family would fight each other.

Thank you.

Sagalow, did you grow up with your mom or your dad?

Both of them.

What?

They love each other still?

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

But I did grow up.

They separated and then divorced once I was out of the house.

It was one of those.

You were already gone.

But your mom would still make your dad celebrate Christmas.

Yeah.

Sago, even though they waited, it was still your fault.

What?

Yeah, yeah, you know.

It was all you.

If you would have been better, they would have stayed together.

Well, yeah, yeah.

Rachel says, Yakov, Yakov's the last to vote.

Dear diary.

I still think about Captain Frost.

Captain Frost.

God bless my family with a chia pad.

I'm going with Big J.

All right.

All right.

Here we go.

Now, poor Uncle Barry.

Wow.

Who'd you vote for?

Yakov.

Oh, my God.

She said she called it early.

She said this smells of Russian, of Mother Russian.

My uncle's fist.

Like who talks?

Right.

Like the fist?

Fist fall.

Very specific.

Could have been Lewis, too.

Shit.

Well, Alex.

Everybody's in.

Alex.

Story number one belongs to Brendan Sagalow.

Oh!

You fools.

I fooled you, fools.

I fooled almost all of you except for one.

So do I not get a point for that?

Are you not even half Jewish, you piece of shit?

Yeah, I am half Jewish, but we kind of forgot about that.

We celebrated one year.

My dad tried to make us celebrate Hanukkah at like 14, so we've had like 14 years of presents and Christmas and happy, and then he tried to do anxiety and sadness.

Yeah, but slow it down a little bit.

Slowed it down, dreidels,

chocolate gold.

There's something so great about having to celebrate boring-ass Hanukkah for a bunch of years and then finding out you get some Christmas.

Having Christmas removed and replaced with Hanukkah is probably what caused that little skirmish up in Gaza.

I think there's a bit of a dust-up happening over there.

So, Sagala, what happened here with your uncles?

Well, they fist-fought each other, yeah.

I was playing Santa that year, too, so I was still dressed up as Santa.

You were wearing that outfit.

This is cool, Santa.

This is MC Santa.

Fuck me.

Yeah, and then my grandpa tried to get in, like being like, stop it, stop it.

And then one guy kept fucking throwing, so he just hit him right in the face.

And I'm dressed as Santa C in all of this.

How old was grandpa?

Still had it, huh?

Was he a merchant marine or something?

Oh, yeah.

He went, he went out.

He was, he was until he asked for death.

Isn't that ballsy?

Like, yelled at God, like the Truman shit?

No, he was, they, they took him to a fucking hospice and he was just like, just stop feeding me.

Like, he was still there.

He could have kept going.

I wish they would have done the same with you.

You know, the minute I said that, I knew that was coming.

I go, ah, fuck you, dude.

Yeah, so they just fought, and then, and it was really funny, but to only me, I got yelled at for laughing.

What the fuck?

Right, comedy fans?

That's crazy.

You should be able to laugh.

You weren't crying.

You were dressed as Santa the whole time?

Dressed as Santa the entire time.

Because you're a wigger, so you're like, yo, yo, yo.

That was good.

The crowd comes around.

You know, go get it.

You're not allowed to say that word anymore, by the way.

Yo.

Uyger.

Can't say Uigger?

Why not?

We took it back.

What about Uygro?

It's a great old Kurt Metzger joke.

He's like, I'm not going to say African-American.

Yeah, so they fought.

It was a big thing.

I laughed at it.

I got in trouble for laughing at it.

I had to take my Santa's suit off very sadly.

Oh, because you got in trouble for laughing with...

A bunch of dumb fucking uncles with stakes on their face.

Yeah, dude.

Jerk-offs.

Well, it paid off today, my friend.

You fooled some people.

Do I get a point for that?

Yeah, I get a couple points.

You get some points.

Alex, go over our scores.

All right, on the scoreboard in second place with two points, big Jay Okerson.

Out of the gate strong.

And in the lead with three points, Brendan Sagalow.

Just so you guys know why this is big,

if you follow the show, for those of you that are new, you should know that I'm terrible at this game.

And I've been a part of every one since day one, ground level.

We started this thing together.

And I've won four times.

Out of like 50 shows.

Out of 50 some odd shows.

It's getting excruciating.

But here we go.

Second place.

It's not bad.

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

My elderly landlord got into a fist fight with my mother.

My mother lost the fight because my landlord used a weapon on her.

I know this sounds like me.

But my mom would fuck up an old woman.

I'm letting you know my mom could scrap.

Yeah, my mom's been in some scraps for, but this smells like a Russia story to me right here, dude.

An elderly landlord got, it wasn't, it didn't even say an elderly landlord lady.

It's like a woman fighting a guy in some war-torn stone-built place.

I was imagining a female landlord, but this is probably true.

And the mother only lost to this man because he used a fucking weapon.

Well, they have the weapons of mass destruction.

That is true.

That was never proven, though.

I mean, a lot of people have said Drago's punches were his weapon.

He killed our best black fighter.

Rachel, I'm getting Rachel vibes on this as we're reading this story.

No,

a similar thing happened, but not me.

Similar?

That seems like a lot of people.

That sealed the deal for me.

Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds like someone lying if I.

You have fist fights in your family.

They're not going to put me after me again.

That could happen.

That happens.

It's all randomized.

Your family loves fist fights.

They love fisting.

Your family is super stoked on fisting, dude.

It's the Jewish way.

Not your dad's side.

But it was.

Rachel, did your family rent?

No, they own.

These guys are some high-falutin Jews.

They could do both.

They rented and they owned.

Are you allowed to like lie?

Like, could she have just lied to you?

Yes, 100%.

It's a whole game, Brendan.

I should have just said my uncles were dead.

Yes.

They died in a

fist fight.

A holocaust.

They died in that fist fight.

They threw that punch from the end of Rocky III when they both.

I mean, Jay recently told a story about his mom getting into a fight with a crazy woman in the neighborhood.

She'll fuck around.

Your mom does fight people.

Absolutely.

I don't remember our landlord growing up at all, but she never fought him.

That's for sure.

And no one ever used a weapon on her.

But this does seem like a very

single mom, promiscuous slut story.

You know, like that in the fresh prince in the beginning, instead of him getting into a fight, his mom was on a basketball court?

Yeah.

My mom got one little fight and then called me a pussy for not helping and then sent me to go live with my gay uncles in fucking Bel Air.

You're moving with your two uncles.

I pulled up.

I'm leaning Rachel or Yakov.

Yakov,

did your mom ever get into fist fights when you were younger?

She was tough.

Would she lose?

If it was with my dad and my mom, she would win, yes.

But

landlord-wise,

we didn't have property.

It was

you have to really

understand the infrastructure of communist Russia

in order to really nail Yakoff of one of these stories.

I have to believe everything he says.

I don't know how it works.

I have no idea how it works.

Pancakes were illegal.

We didn't have a wall.

We had

roofs or anything like that.

We had walls.

No, I'm fucking around.

Berlin walls, yeah.

Maybe this is Rachel.

I don't know.

I think it's Rachel.

Rachel's being very quiet and cold.

I'm just going to ask: is this you?

Yeah, it's totally me.

That seals it for me.

She takes a shot.

Women never lie.

You have to kill her.

Believe all women.

Yeah.

Hashtag me too, everybody.

Lewis, stop flirting by writing her whole name out.

Ms.

Wolfson.

Hey.

Big J,

three votes for Rachel.

Alex, all of her answers are in.

Uh-oh, you guys, this story belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

Oh, my God.

That's why you wrote her full name.

You were taking it in.

I was so happy.

Yeah, my mom was a piece of shit.

And she would regularly just get into fight with everyone in the neighborhood.

And our landlord was an old lady.

And my mom was like fighting with her about probably not paying the rent or something.

And I remember my mom's like sort of swinging.

She was righteous.

The landlord was righteous.

No, you did the right thing.

She sort of swinging.

Sort of swinging on this old lady, but the old lady was hanging like clothes, so she had a bunch of hangers in her hand.

And she started whacking my mom in the face with these hangers.

Wire?

No, they're the plastic ones.

Those hurt.

Yeah, and she, yeah.

And she, yeah.

I was like, see, mom, how it feels?

And,

yeah, my mom got, she got the best of my mom.

This old lady got the best of my mom right in front of me.

Then I had to look down at my feet and act like I didn't see.

Dude, watching your mom was.

Your mom should have wrote a book.

Yeah, this is chapter three in Lewis's book.

Yeah.

Damn.

Oh, that's a I just cleaned the fuck up.

So your mom got beat up by an old lady, but it doesn't matter because you you made points right now.

Alex,

all right, on the scoreboard in third place with two points, Big Jay O'Keefe.

I'm playing the game.

You are.

I'm playing the game.

Yeah.

I don't want you behind me.

I want to win you over.

In second place with three points, Brendan Sagalow.

Whoa.

And then.

Damn.

And in the lead with four points, Lewis J.

Gomez

Well played

I'm gonna need you to fight a little bit more when we all think it's you I have no idea what's going on

Alex story number three

Story number three

I was hired to perform at a strip club between strippers.

An unhappy customer who only wanted strippers had a shotgun.

They threatened to blow my head off.

Brings a totally different meaning to the phrase, I'm dying up here.

Damn, putting a joke in this is so funny.

I mean, this.

I think Yako films.

I thought it was Yako, yeah, for sure.

Be like, knock, knock, here's my story.

I was thinking Rachel possibly because she was doing comedy, and they were like, Are you going to take your like they don't know?

Like, are you taking your clothes off too?

And they got pissed off at you.

Yeah, no,

do they have strippers in the Soviet Union?

You don't want to look at them.

We had then the expression in Russia: women are like buses.

That was it.

Self-explanatory.

Maybe that's why the customer was unhappy.

But this could be Yako has been performing in America for, you know,

how long now?

I've been here for 47 years.

Yeah, so this was a gig.

I think this is a gig back in the 80s.

This is where you take any gig that they throw at you.

And

he got asked to perform.

And I mean, a shotgun, that's some Midwest

This wasn't in Russia.

No, this was definitely not in Russia.

No shotguns there.

No.

No,

no weapons.

Just rocks and whips and shit.

I mean, they.

Well,

people don't have...

No, people don't have weapons in the Soviet Union.

They don't have strip clubs either.

What a depressing place.

That's why I came here.

Yeah.

For the strip clubs and the weapons.

No, for the strip college.

That's why you can buy all their hottest chicks in the mail.

Yeah.

I think this is Big J.

I've never performed in a strip club, but I've.

And also, Big Jay's never written a joke.

That's what I mean.

There's no way.

It brings totally different meaning to the phrase, are you too fucking?

I sent it along with a picture of me doing this.

I mean, I've performed at strip clubs before, a few times, at this point.

But

all the customers there were happy when I was up on stage.

Really?

They were like, leave those bitches in the back.

Do more stuff.

Do more knock pussy.

We did the hustler club in Detroit like three years in a row.

And every time

they would pay us in cash, and every time we would walk out with no money.

They didn't even pay you in the regular cash.

They paid you in the club cash.

$50.

Yeah.

$50.

Grace, have you performed at a strip club?

Do you want to?

Yeah.

I'll perform anywhere.

Nice.

Yeah.

I say, I feel like this would be a job also that they'd offer to a female comedian.

You know what I mean?

Somebody's

threatening to blow Rachel's head off.

That's psychotic.

For not pulling her titties out at a strip club?

They might be really upset.

Yeah, maybe she grew up in like a broken.

Does Rachel have titties?

Oh, you do.

Look at that.

I brought them out today.

I didn't notice.

No, thank you.

You are.

You are classless.

What?

You nice.

First time on the show, you fucker.

All right, I'm going to get the voting going.

I say Yakov Shmiranov.

We all thought it was him in the beginning.

Nobody really changed their mind on it.

I'm going to show you how to show because it could be any, it could be,

Rachel, but I think they wouldn't be unhappy because they'd be like, if we, well, I think if they'd be like, if we laugh, maybe she'll take her shirt off.

And Jay, I don't think would put the joke there.

So, yeah.

Yeah.

I got to think of it on the spot.

Yakov is my vote.

I also

am going Yakov.

Another vote for Big J.

John.

I'm starting to think I might be the only person whose name he knows.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number three belongs to

Yakov, Smirnovsk.

Yes.

Yes.

You fooled no one.

Now you must move back to Russia.

There you go.

That's what I was afraid of, that this

show will end up like this.

What city was this in?

Anchorage, Alaska.

Oh, my God.

Was it the Great Alaskan Bush Company place?

Because I know they have like comedy and stuff like that.

I think it was a classy strip joint, it was called.

Classy strip joint?

Classy strip joint.

And they hired us, a couple of comedians, to go between

strippers.

And they thought it would be it was a good idea

to make some extra money for, you know, and this was true.

And the guy, I walked on stage after a stripper, and the guy said,

I'm going to blow your head off.

And

I believed him.

That was the shortest show I ever had, you know.

Well, at a strip club, blowing someone's head off can mean two different things.

You know, like.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

It is true, Yakov.

Perhaps that Eskimo was trying to suck your dick.

No, but I liked that gig.

That was a good gig.

Because there was, you were hanging out with all the old...

The strippers.

Yeah, I ended up dating one of them, and her name was Pillow.

Why did they name her Pillow?

Well, it's probably not her real name.

It's probably...

That was like a family name.

Real.

Was that a family name?

I don't think so.

I think the real name was Blanket or something like that.

No, I don't, but it was Pillow that I was dating for a while.

How long did you date Pillow for?

Two weeks.

Did you ever learn her real name?

Why?

Did you get jealous when you'd see her dance after that and guys looking at her?

No.

No, I was looking at her, and

I thought it was good that they were looking at her, that way better than in Russia, you know, that nobody wanted to look at them.

You know,

did you guys ever fight?

Pillow fight, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He punched her a couple times just to soften her up.

What are our scores?

The same thing, just everybody got two more points?

Pretty much.

All right.

On the scoreboard in fourth place with two points, Rachel Wolfson.

Yeah.

I'm on the board.

Who's on the board?

In third place with four points, Big Jay Oakerson.

In second place with five points, Brennan Sagalow.

And in the the lead with six points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Young Writer's Day is coming home with me.

You know it is, dude.

As the school buzzes with creative energy, tensions rise between students vying for the spotlight.

Friendships are tested.

Rivalries flare.

And Marley must decide what matters more.

Winning.

or staying true to her voice.

With the help of her quirky writing group, she begins to uncover the truth behind the anonymous story and learns that sometimes the best stories come from the most unexpected places, including her own messy, beautiful life.

Just Bree.

It's Just Bree, the late Just Bree.

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Turtle Beach for supporting today's show.

I'm wearing my Turtle Beach headsets right now, Jay.

I know you are.

Turtle Beach won my heart by getting involved in the video game guitar world.

Very impressed with that.

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You know, I told you this a thousand times.

I was the bell of the ball at Christmas giving all of the gamer nerds in my family these headphones.

No, it was great, dude.

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I use them to podcast when I'm on the road.

That's how good the microphone is on them.

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Get the ultimate immersive gaming experience today with Turtle Beach.

All right, where were we?

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

A friend of mine got stabbed with a kitchen knife by his wife.

A friend of mine got stabbed with a kitchen knife by his wife because he took away cookies that she was eating.

That's a fat, angry lady.

Only women will hang out with other fat women to make themselves feel hotter.

This is a Rachel story.

This does sound like someone I'd be friends with.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then she gossiped to all of her other friends about her fat bitch friend got stabbed with a kitchen knife.

You are.

Over cookies, this pig.

It does feel like that.

Also, in Mother Russia.

You get stabbed for some fucking cookies, honestly.

It's just sustenance at that point.

Yeah.

We do not have cookies in Russia.

You have to wait in line for bread, you have to stab for your cookies.

There were no chips of hoi, there were no Oreos.

I'd murdered for a sugar cookie.

Taste blood of another for one snicker noodle.

Yeah, I mean, a friend of mine got stabbed with a kitchen knife by his wife.

I mean, we are just trying to watch you explain how this couldn't be you.

I feel like you're the only one involved in stabbing stuff.

Do you hold on?

Do you think that by his wife?

Oh, oh, there's a guy that got stabbed.

I was imagining it.

I'm sorry.

I imagined it being a woman that got stabbed.

No,

the friend got stabbed by his wife because he took away the cookies.

It is weird.

You know what?

Rachel.

And I'll tell you exactly why, real quick.

This is her first time playing the game.

This isn't even a story about her.

She just goes, hey, a person I know got stabbed.

Violent story.

Well, it's a friend.

I think that counts.

It's a friend.

Any one of us could know somebody who got stabbed by someone.

My father was stabbed by somebody.

Right, and I know you.

So I'm saying I'm always one degree of Kevin Bacon from a good stabbing story.

That's true.

I think it's you.

Me?

Yeah.

Well, throw it down, sweetheart.

She just read the word cookies.

Yeah.

It's fair.

i have duel i've been involved in cookie stabbing so it's either you or brendan yeah jay's like that that husband was me dude fucking el fudge or those fudge stripes dude i'll fucking bite a bitch's nose off

oh for a tate

oh i love a tate that's new shit shut up dude talking about an old el fudge or something Those are shit cookies.

You're shit cookies.

Your family's all dead from drugs and shit.

I think, actually, I don't know.

It's got to be one of you.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Someone from this table.

I don't know.

Rachel's been talking a lot this round.

Doing a lot of deflecting there, eh?

Stabby?

Yeah,

look, we are story warriors.

We would not.

This wouldn't even register as a story in my mind.

I'm going to say, I agree with Big Jay.

I think think this is Rachel.

I was going to say, Feinstein, Rachel Wolfson.

You didn't have to say what the mistake was going to be.

I'm going to write Rachel Feinstein now.

It's fucking crazy what you just did.

Whatever.

Rachel, I was going to call you Rachel Feinstein.

But Rachel, whatever her actual last name is.

Damn, but this also does scream like Philly, you know?

Absolutely.

So it could be Big J,

or it could be Feinstein.

You know, she's been pretty quiet.

Yeah, Rachel Feinstein.

Where is Rachel Feinstein?

When I think of a Jew named Rachel,

Feinstein is where my head is.

Where are you from?

Rachel?

Many places.

Do these places have cookies?

We might be overlooking Yakov here.

Why?

Why?

Why me?

You might know somebody who was stabbed by a wife over cookies.

No, I don't.

Well, I wouldn't know.

Now, this isn't Yakov because it would end with, and that's the way the cookie comes

really gives new meaning to the phrase.

That's Brendan Sagalow,

Rachel Wolfson, and Louis J.

Gomez.

All right.

I'm saying old

Rachel.

Is that everybody?

All right, everybody's locked in.

Alex.

Story number four belongs to Yakov Smeard.

Oh,

oh,

Yakoff.

You son of a bitch.

Wow.

That was great.

Wow.

Yeah.

Who was his friend?

You would know him,

Tom Arnold.

Tom Arnold got stabbed.

Roseanne?

What?

For taking away cookies.

Yeah.

It might just sound like a fake insult you'd make up in a rap song or something.

They were supposed to lose weight,

Roseanne and Tom Arnold.

And Janie

Janie Craig gave him

20 million dollars to lose weight

and they couldn't do it so

so they they vouched to like

to be each other's sponsor to make

to stop the other person from doing something that they shouldn't be doing.

And he walked into the kitchen and

she was eating Jenny Craig's cookies.

And he grabbed the bag and

then there was a knife, you know,

and she just stabbed him.

In the arm or like...

No, in the chest.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's got a scar and everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

This is also the least crazy thing Roseanne's ever done.

I'm not sure.

That's the crazy thing.

It wasn't the weirdest thing she did that year.

Yeah, Roseanne.

Holy shit, that's a shake-up in score right now.

Wow.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, on the scoreboard in last place with two points, Rachel Wolfson.

Thank you.

Next up, I have a tie with four points each.

Big Jay Okerson and Yakov Smirdoff.

In second place with five points, Brendan Sagalow.

I don't know how.

And in the lead with six points, Louis J.

Gomez.

That's right, Jues.

Six points.

Is that the fourth story?

That was the fourth story, yeah.

Holy shit, this is a tight game.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Rachel, you're still in this.

Don't worry.

Okay.

You didn't come for nothing.

This is the halfway point of the show.

We go around and do plugs real quick.

Yakoff, anything you want to plug, my friend?

Tom Arnold's chest wound.

Jenny Craig?

Yeah.

He is actually,

I have a podcast called

Comedy Couch, and that was the last podcast that I did with Tom Arnold, and he shared that story, yeah.

And so what's coming up, I'm doing the tonight show with Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, this Tuesday.

Oh, yeah.

So that will be good.

A real step down from here at Story Wars.

I'm trying.

I'm trying to get down to the bottom, yes.

And

then I'm doing

on the 25th of June, Grand Olopry for the first time.

Oh, wow.

Nice.

That'll be fun.

This first time doing Jimmy Fallon?

Jimmy Fallon, yeah, I did Johnny Carson show.

Yeah, Jimmy Fallon's just like gay Johnny Carson.

Should I mention it to him

on Tuesday?

Yeah,

it's the first time.

Yes.

Hell yeah.

Sagalo.

Just listen to my podcast, SagdaddyDapod, and follow me on Instagram and all that stuff.

Thank you.

Hell yeah.

Nice.

Oh, and punchup.live/slash Brennan Saglow or whatever the fuck that is.

Rachel.

At Rachel Wolfson on Instagram.

Follow my DMs page, Wolfie DMs.

You can see what people DM me on the internet.

What?

You're going to show them what I DM you?

Anonymously, because there's like wives and children and jobs involved, so I keep it, you know.

Lewis doesn't have any of those things.

Good.

Nothing to lose.

RachelWolfsoncomedy.com for upcoming dates.

And yeah.

Hell yeah.

Big J.

BigJcomedy.com for all my dates.

Look for me on the road.

Coming to a city near you.

Coming on a city near you on Big Jokerson's Peter North American Tour.

If you get it, you get it.

And, of course, listen to the Bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course, the legendary Legion of Skanks right here at Gas Digital.

And both my Crowdwork specials are available on YouTube now.

Them, they, both parts available right now.

Check those out, please.

Very cool.

Yeah.

Come see me on the road.

Go to Lewisofskanks.com filming my next special in Tampa on June 12th.

Tickets are sold out for those shows, but you can get tickets for the warm-up shows in Tampa on June 10th and 11th.

Bunch of other dates coming up all throughout the summer and fall.

So yeah, grab those tickets right now.

Also, if you love this show, you should know that we do a pre-release on the show every Monday night.

You get it before it goes to YouTube or anywhere else.

Just go to gasdigital.com.

It's uncensored and ad-free.

There's maybe 20 episodes that are no longer available on YouTube or anywhere else, so you get the entire on-demand library, plus thousands of hours of other amazing shows like Legion of Skanks and all the other great gas digital shows.

I'm writing a book myself that'll probably be a

thank you.

It'll probably be a

book that we give away on Story Wars at one point.

It's called Knives and Spoons.

It's available for pre-order right now on Amazon.com.

And it's dark and funny, and I think you guys will like it.

And I got a bunch of other shit, so follow me on social media.

Check out all the other pods, the regs, Legion of Skanks.

And that's that.

Yeah, boy.

Rachel, I know this is your first time playing the game, and we want you to feel welcome here and happy, and not sad thinking you're out of this thing.

Yeah, a lot of people at this point are like, oh, I'm checked out.

I can't win.

Yeah, like, I'm too far behind to win this thing.

Right, like a loser.

Right.

I don't feel that way.

What you're.

Of course you do, and stop beating yourself up.

It all irons itself out because for the final four stories, we go double points.

Wow.

No one saw that coming.

No one saw that coming.

So now

if you need any more explanation, before if you

fooled somebody, you got one point.

And if you guessed the right story, you got two points.

Now that goes to to double points.

So happy that you're so excited about it.

So nobody is out of this game.

It's a very tight one.

It's getting heated up.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

The first time I had flossed in months made my gums bleed really bad.

I thought it would be funny to smear it all around my mouth and call my significant other in so when they opened the door, I could kick it and say they hit me in the face with it.

I screamed and they cried.

Lewis.

I was going to say Rachel.

That's a good prank.

First of all, somebody has gum disease

on this panel.

It's a serious thing, gingivitis.

I thought Rachel right away, but now I am thinking.

No, Rachel's got a beautiful smile.

She flosses every day.

That's fair.

Yeah.

Do you floss?

I floss every day.

That sounds rehearsed.

It's getting a little hot in here.

Now, this is such a chick thing to do.

I know I keep voting for you, but that's a chick thing.

It is a very chick type of prank, but it's also disgusting.

It is.

Women do disgusting pranks.

Yeah, we do.

100%.

Yeah, I feel like.

What do they use to floss in the Soviet Union?

We do not have floss.

Floss was not allowed in Soviet Russia.

Dragon whisker.

Dragon whisker.

Nobody even knew about floss.

What is it?

I believe that.

I believe that.

They're like, oh, the thing to kill presidents with?

Shut up.

You'll get that on the way home.

You know, like a fucking...

I got it.

Yeah, like me.

I don't watch it.

Good.

I mean,

this does seem like a womanly sort of...

When was the last time you flossed?

May, I floss twice a day and I water pick.

Oh,

water pick, yeah.

Is that a recent thing?

Yes.

A couple years ago, but I mean, now I can't live without my water pick.

Guys, waterpick.com, use promo code Lewis.

It's incredible.

I mean, dude, I tell you right now, I used to not give a shit at all, but now you floss, and then you water pick, you see exactly how much you miss with the floss.

Oh, my God.

You have no idea how much food is in your disgusting gums right now.

Well, this is definitely Lewis.

I mean, what a story because it's so new to you.

You're You're fucking 45.

No way.

I think this is Big Jay.

Okay.

He started the voting off early.

He's not.

That was crazy what you just told her.

I'm giving you a great oil high.

Stuff comes out when you floss.

Like, you're at an epiphany.

You're in your 40s.

That's crazy.

No, no, no, no.

Water picking is different than flossing, Jay.

I'm aware, but you're like, do you water pick the whole thing?

Yes.

What are you making a face for?

Because I don't believe you water pick as much as I do.

As much as I do.

Rachel, you're a fool.

Rachel, you're a dumb fool.

I'm pissed off that I complimented your smile.

Your smile sucks, actually.

A lot of...

It's not the flossing part that I.

What?

What is the part?

He's a cornball making a stupid-ass joke?

I think it's the part where you called your significant other in to sh.

Actually, no, maybe I take that back.

Maybe it's Brendan.

I haven't had a significant other in 14 years.

But you floss nonstop.

And I love a floss.

Let me see your teeth.

Yeah, he does not floss.

I floss.

I'm just kidding.

You do.

No.

Brenda, you do have little tiny teeth.

Fine.

Guess it's me and lose.

I get a little tiny teeth.

Big J, what's your dental history?

What do you mean?

I had braces.

Okay.

And now he has veneers like a faggot.

This is why we can't go mainstream with this show.

Do you like flossing?

I do.

Yeah.

I floss.

And someone told me this was weird.

I floss every day in the shower.

While he's jerking off.

Yeah.

I tie it around my neck.

But yeah, I floss.

Yeah, every day.

I'm a big.

Why did you get veneers?

My teeth were crooked, and I didn't have...

I did the Invisaligns.

But I have to do too much broadcasting to be like, oh, everybody,

you change?

So I was just like, just fucking, just give me new fresh teeth.

Eight and six.

It looks all right.

Wait, Lewis, look.

My answer is Big Jay Okerson with his big fake smile.

Because underneath that, it's a fucking goddamn nightmare.

They couldn't give you.

You know what?

Sure.

Lead people to believe it's good.

Oh, you fools.

Guys, Big Jay's going to clean the fuck up right now.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Everybody's going to clean up.

Shut up.

Everyone's just shut up everybody.

Shut up.

What are we going to think?

I mean, it's fine.

If you either of you, you know.

If you want Jay to go this far ahead,

have him clean up.

This is something that he would do to any one of his multiple fucking wives.

He's going to clean up because you guessed him.

He's still going to clean up.

He gets a point or two.

Oh, it's double points.

Fuck.

He's going to clean up so deep and hard, much deeper than he cleaned his fucking gums.

I'm trusting you.

Wait, you're like in the

first and second.

You're first place.

No, I'm in second place.

Lewis is in first place.

I am.

So

you're not.

He's setting you up.

Okay, everybody, shut up.

Brendan.

he just convinced you that if he loses and you lose with him, nothing changes.

He's still in the league.

He's manipulating you right now.

No, he's manipulating you.

That's crazy.

He's lying to his bloody teeth.

His bloody teeth.

I made my choice, but that doesn't mean anything.

But if I don't vote for you,

huh.

Then you just stay where you're at, right?

Well, does anyone push me down?

If I

can?

We all push you down.

Boy, do I know it.

Your uncle, probably.

He's trying to stop you from jumping ahead of him.

Jay,

whatever your name is, Brendan.

Brendan.

Rachel Feinstein.

Lewis is frazzled.

I'm telling you, Jay is.

It doesn't make any sense for Lewis to get you.

Jay is getting harder.

Lewis is you?

No.

Jay is playing you like a harp.

Harp.

I'm thinking it's Jay, dude.

Jay is playing you like a harp.

You're gonna be.

Can I touch your wrist and ask you?

Yeah.

Oh, ooh, do some

CIA lie detector tests.

Is this you?

No.

It moved a little bit, by the way.

It's hard to go over you.

Now she likes it.

Lewis, is your name Lewis?

Gomez.

It is.

My name is Louis Jay.

Gomez.

All right.

Is today

Sunday?

It is.

Did Did you do this?

Is this you?

No.

He's trying to make my blood pulse.

I'm going, Big Jay.

Wow.

Idiot.

Jay's pissed.

Take him down with you, dude.

He wanted those points.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

That story belongs to Big Jay Ogerson.

That rules.

I got your brother.

Jay?

Yeah, that was it.

I mean, I had to pretty much put the whole story down to make it make any sense.

But yeah, my girlfriend, this is pretty white trash.

My girlfriend who lived at my parents' house with me,

I remember just taking it, my fucking gums were

hurting.

So I flossed them.

And

it was profuse how much they were bleeding, where it went past being scary and started being funny.

And then I go, and then I mushed it on my my face.

And I went, Cheryl.

What a great white trash name.

Cheryl.

And she goes, yeah.

And when she opened the door, I did, you know, I kicked it.

I was like, no, you fuck.

And she's like, screaming for this.

I was like, that's really bad.

It's real bad.

And then I was like, nah, it's just from Flossing.

And she was like, eh, like, she was grossed out by that, too.

Like, what's wrong with your tea?

I go, oh, I don't think I take care of my gums.

But

all worth it.

all worth it.

What are you working in cahoots with fucking sagalos?

I don't work in cautes.

I'm seeing you were trying to get him to vote me.

It was the right thing to do.

How are he wars?

There's alliances and stuff.

That is true.

We can have alliances.

Alex, what are our scores?

All right.

In last place with two points.

Rachel Wolf says.

It's not over, Rachel.

It's not over.

In fourth place with four points, Yakoff Smirnov.

In third place with eight points, Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with nine points, Brendan Sagalo.

Damn.

Second place.

And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

I'm on your ass, dude.

Please.

Truly, anybody's game, except for Rachel, probably.

I'm just happy to be here.

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All right.

Where were we?

Alex, story number six.

Story number six.

In high school, my sibling was getting bullied by a classmate.

I confronted the bully at school and said, if you mess with my family, you mess with me.

The bullying stopped.

Wow.

I mean, I guess got a moral.

You mess with me.

If you mess with my family, you mess with me.

This is a very cool story.

And then I said that cool thing, and the bullying stopped.

And the bullying stopped.

And then I had a beer

and ate some pussy.

Sorry.

I think.

Can I make a guess here?

Please.

There's a lot more to this story

that had to be left out.

And this is, oddly,

Rachel Wolfson going.

I think this could be Rachel as well.

She's got a sister who I believe is a senator or something.

Yeah, then she would be defending me if I got bullied.

Now.

No, in general.

But when she was a nerd kid growing up to be a fucking senator or whatever.

You had to kick her ass.

We didn't live in the same town

going to school growing up.

I went to a boarding school, a troubled youth program.

Really?

Yeah.

And then you would probably come back to.

No, I wasn't allowed to leave.

The boarding school.

But eventually you did.

Yeah, but she was already out of high school.

Older than you.

She could also be making all of this up right now.

Women are liars.

No, you could look all this up.

I just believe her, though, for some reason.

You're mesmerized by her great smile, and you you have bleeding gums Murphy over here.

My gums are good, dude.

Give me a piece of floss right now, dude.

You can fucking hang me from the ceiling by my gums.

Nothing.

Do you have siblings?

Who, me?

Yeah, I have an older sister, but I guarantee you I would never say any of that.

You would rap it.

I would go, you and me, we're dancing.

We're doing a step-up thing outside

yeah I have an old I have an older sister

I feel like it's Lewis how many oh yeah how did I even think about this is with Lewis with his sister you think that I stopped my sister from being bullied yes that's insane my sister was two years older than me she'd getting bullied by a girl you think I'd go up to her girl bullies and be like you better fucking stop that's retarded

that's a crazy thing you what everything you just said makes me think it's you more than ever before you know in fact in chapter five of my book knives and spoons you'll see that I did not do that.

That's right around that age time and I did not do that.

Writing your name and you're going to have to convince me of otherwise.

Could it be British?

Do you have any siblings?

I'm the only child.

Oh no.

In Russia we are not allowed to have siblings.

Yeah, he had seven siblings but they were all murdered at birth.

No, no,

we lived in a communal apartment and my parents and I shared the bedroom until I was 26 years old.

So when I was a little kid, my parents wanted to be romantic.

They would send me to look out the window.

Oh, my God.

What the hell was out the window?

Just snow?

No,

but then my dad would say, what do you see?

And I go, our neighbors being romantic.

And he said, how can you tell?

I said, because their son is looking at me.

And they told me

my parents told me I was the only child because we had only one window.

So, no, I didn't have siblings.

But maybe he felt like him and that kid were brothers, and that that kid got bullied and you picked on him.

It could be a turn of phrase, but I say, Lewis.

Lewis, do you have siblings?

I have one older sister.

I have a half-brother and half-sister that I've never met, but I have one older sister.

It would be his sister who's two years older than me.

She was on the heavier side in high school and probably got a little

bit of high school.

She was very skinny and hot.

She's watching.

Why are you going to put that on me?

You put that on me now, dude.

Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay,

Jay.

Do you really believe that, Jay?

Yeah, I gotta go in my gut.

Rachel, you're yeah, Lewis, I think you would go with your fucking

paperclip lip-piercing and be like,

And you even threaten like violence to a girl.

You were threatening, like, oh my God.

Guys, guys, you're all

so dumb.

No, no, don't take your hand away.

Why?

Yakov.

Why?

Because logically speaking, you have an older sister.

Yeah.

Were you protecting your older fucking sister in high school?

That's crazy.

I wasn't.

It's fucking my crib.

My sister wasn't bullied.

She was just a fucking quiet nerd.

She wasn't getting bullied.

That's who gets bullied.

No,

not girls.

Girls don't get fucking bullied.

Nerd dudes get bullied.

I did the bullying.

I know.

He's working so hard for nothing.

For nothing.

It's so you don't get all the points, Jay.

I think it's Big Jay now.

That came out of nowhere.

No, I'll tell you why.

He's panicking.

Jay has a younger brother who's five feet tall.

Can I tell you something?

Let me tell you something.

I'll tell you this before you

do.

My little brother, Bobby, is really tiny.

He used to get fucked with in high school a lot.

Now he's 11 years younger than me, so I'm much older than him.

And I came back.

I was visiting my mom one time, and he was telling me that.

And he said, all these kids hanging out at this basketball court.

And I went there and just flat out threatened those kids.

That's the whole story that we just read right here.

They went, no, I didn't go, you messed with my family, you messed with me.

I go, if I hear anything from him again, I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you.

And they told their parents, and then the cops made me have to turn myself in.

They gave me some weird warning or something.

But this is not.

I didn't go.

If you mess with my family, quote, if you mess with my family, you mess with me.

That is something a young, dumb Lewis

wrestling fan.

Yeah.

Fuck, I'm telling you.

100% dude.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Maybe it's not Big Jay.

The only reason why is because if I'm reading this, it says, I confronted, confronted the bully.

Nope, you're an idiot.

I confronted the bully at school,

which I don't think you'd go to the school of the bully.

Right.

And buy

basketball courts.

Rachel, I think this is Rachel.

Because if a girl did this, it would turn me on.

Do you even think about that, Lewis?

And I can't get a boner here.

You guys are all fools.

Alex, read the fucking answer, you fucking idiots.

You stupid idiots.

Except for one of you, who's a genius.

This story belongs to Rachel Wolfson.

Damn.

Wow.

Sorry about your boner.

I got to go to the bathroom.

Rachel, was it all bullshit you didn't go to a boarding school?

No, all of that was just

no,

I did get sent to a troubled youth program, but before I got sent to that, I went.

My sister was getting bullied at school by this stupid girl, and my sister would come home crying every day.

And I was like, I'm going to go talk to her.

So I went to pick up my sister from school, and I walked in, and I found this girl, and I was like, if you're messing with my sister, you're messing with me.

And she never bothered my sister again.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Woo!

Jewish bullies.

Who saw that coming?

I did.

Oh, right.

I saw it coming, you idiots.

That wasn't your diary.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with four points, Yakov Smirnoff.

Wow.

It's okay, Yakov.

You're killing on this show either way.

Yeah.

Tied with eight points each: Big Jay Okerson and Rachel Wolfson.

In second place with nine points, Brendan Sagalo.

And in the lead with 14 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Fuck.

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

When I was in high school, I got into a fight where my head hit the concrete and I woke up in a hospital.

I still don't have any recollection of that day.

Did the bullying not stop?

She just forgot that it didn't stop.

She goes, oh, wait.

Oh, wait.

They killed someone, I know.

This feels...

I'm going to go Sagalow.

I'm getting a Sagalow body, too.

You think I hit my head?

Yes.

You think I've hit my head before?

I think you're a pussy.

Obviously, you did.

I feel like the word high school wasn't used in Russia.

It would be like all upper-middle academics or something.

Early in high school we had one window.

Yes.

That was all the lessons you needed.

I think this is Big J.

It's possible.

No, I think I would have heard this if this was Big Jay.

This is one of the things about me and Big J doing podcasts together for so long that I would have heard a story where he got knocked out and hit his head on the concrete and woke up.

But maybe you forgot that I told it because you hit your head on concrete.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's what my head did that day.

But that's not a good argument either, because you would have heard the gum story.

You would have heard stories that he had.

No, no, no.

The gum story, that's embarrassing.

He shouldn't have even shared it here.

Not for those points.

Sagalow.

I didn't fight anybody.

In high school, I was a little goth girl.

I was just going to the mall and

Smith movies and but sometimes sometimes a fight will happen to you.

I don't know not me.

Were you popular in high school?

You better fucking believe it.

That's a no.

You better believe it.

I think you're making some headway with Rachel right now, Sagalo.

She's in, dude.

She's on the ropes.

Sagalo, you were never in a fight in high school?

No, not in high school, no.

What?

Well, okay, he said I was never in a fight.

And then this time he said, no, not in high school.

Not in high school.

When did you get into a fight?

I mean, yeah, when I was older.

It's happened.

I have gotten into a fight.

Well, it might be one of my stories, Lewis.

You fought only as an adult?

Only as an adult.

Well, no, you.

There's a space between adult and high school.

No, there's not.

Yes, there is.

You go from high school to adults.

College.

College.

College where you start your fighting.

I went to three colleges.

That's how smart I am.

You always got kicked out for beating the shit out of somebody.

You always beat up the fucking wheelchair kid, and they'd make you move to colleges.

This fucking guy doesn't learn.

That's when I really got my fighting out in

community college.

I'm trying to sway my own mind for any reason to say this isn't Sagalow, but everything in my mind is coming up.

Son of a bitch Sagalow.

So I will throw my hat in

first.

Brendan Sags.

Lose.

I don't care.

I'm also saying, Brendan.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Yakov just had to learn your name to guess you.

That's how much he knows it's you.

All right, all right.

I guess I'll just gonna have to guess what I think who it is.

I don't know.

I mean,

I don't know.

You took Alex's job away.

Alex, make it official.

That story belongs to Brendan Sagalow.

I don't like lying.

I don't even

feel good.

Do fights even happen?

Are fights even a thing?

Dude, I was trying not to laugh so hard.

Every time it is me and I'm lying, I'm like, no.

Who did you have to do a fight with?

I still don't remember it to this day.

Like, I.

Who it was?

You don't remember?

No, I remember.

I know who it was because they told me, but.

Non-stop for the rest of high school.

As they stood above you.

I fight for it, for sure.

As they stood above you going, you just got knocked the fuck out, man.

My buddy was picking me up to go to high school because we were driving at the time.

I get in the car.

That wasn't strong.

Huh?

Huh?

Please don't interrupt.

And

I was driving.

Well, I see what you've done?

I get in the car and then boom, I'm in the hospital.

And I don't remember the day, but apparently, so my buddy, this guy, Justin, he got into a fight with these guys the day before, which I don't even remember.

How fucking nuts is that?

And he lost the fight.

They kicked his ass because he...

Multiple guys got jumped?

He jumped.

The multiple guys jumped him.

Yeah.

and they kicked his ass and he said you picked the wrong guy to hang out with the next day

well I'll tell you what miss please um

so uh he got his ass he said it was because he got blood taken that day

and that idiot challenged them again the next day He goes, it wouldn't have been better if I had some cookies in me.

So then he says to me, because they were like, we're going to kick your ass.

And he says to me, hey, man, can you just walk me to my car in the parking lot?

Because they're going to be,

I can't get jumped again.

So I go, okay.

And we're in the parking lot.

He gets in his car.

This kid, we called Fathead.

He picked up a rock and he went to go throw it at the car.

And I jumped on him.

And he fucking, who, and my head hit the concrete.

And I got up and I was like, what the fuck?

Throwing up and all that shit.

One of the guys, this guy, Matt Marino, who actually talks Italian now, he didn't talk like that.

he was like

no he was talking like me and now I saw him at the high school reunion he was like hey how's your corn you know

so maybe he got hit in that fucking yeah there you go he's like hey there's that fat kid we fucked up

hey this guy eats a lot of gaba goo

he was like hey are you okay and i went why why do you ask and he goes you just hit the head and i went you hit your head and i went i literally was like where are we and he was like we got to call the fucking cops then the ambulance came i got in the ambulance woke up in the hospital.

I woke up and I went, what the fuck just happened?

My parents go, God, we've been telling you all day.

Like, we've been telling, we just told you.

You're gay.

You were in a big dick sucking contest.

And you slipped the guy's dick so much because you love it a lot that the giz knocked you out.

Yeah.

You went a trip to fucking Chugballs Island.

All expenses pay.

We all get to go.

We've been telling you all day.

And I still don't remember to the day, to this day.

Do you remember the kid that did it then?

I remember.

I actually went to the cops.

I mean, I don't know how long this is going to go on, but we went to the cops and

the officer said, actually, I should be being arrested because I jumped on the kid.

And I was just watching Boondock Saints at the time, so I was really like into justice.

And so I was really upset by that.

We should arrest you.

You went there with a head injury.

You're like, we should arrest you.

Yeah, they go, you jumped on, you started the fight, so we should arrest you.

And I was like,

that's sound logic.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, ah, shit, whatever.

I can't poke any holes in it, no matter how much I want to.

I want to make fun of it, but I was like, you know what?

He makes a point.

Yeah.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with eight points, Yakov Smirnoff.

In fourth place with nine points, Brendan Sagalow.

Wow.

Oh, geez.

That was your big opportunity.

Well, I did guess me.

Does that count as a point?

No.

No.

Tide with 12 points each.

Big Jay Okerson and Rachel Wolfson.

And in the lead with 18 points, Louis Jay Gomez.

Oh, I'm bringing Young Writers' Day home.

We have one more story.

Wait.

Hold on, Jay.

Young Writers' Day is a heartfelt, funny, and empowering middle-grade novel about finding your voice, standing up for your work, and discovering that everyone's story deserves to be heard.

Perfect for readers who love books about books, creative kids, and navigating the ups and downs of growing up with passion and purpose.

Just brief, Young Writers' Day.

It's up for grabs.

This is going anywhere except Yakov Smeardog's house.

Who likes books about books?

What type of loser?

This loser.

One more story, Alex.

Story number eight.

Story number eight.

Coming home from school, I watched my neighbor's Rottweiler kill my other neighbor's two dogs right in front of me.

Someone in the neighborhood felt bad and tried to dognap the Rottweiler.

Dognap the Rottweiler.

Oh my god, that's awful.

I mean, this is a Puerto Rican story if I've ever heard one.

I will say that.

I will admit that.

I think you'd still be talking by the time you watched a Rottweiler murder two dogs in front of you.

That would stay with you.

Yeah.

Just bummed everybody out.

Yeah.

Rottweilers are sad.

This is the next story.

leave out, it goes, story number eight, I was raped.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to sort that out.

By the way, nobody really felt bad that I got knocked out as a kid.

You lived.

You lived to forget the story, dude.

We're also imagining very small, cute dogs that a Rottweiler just ate.

You know what if they were just more pussy Rottweilers?

Do they have Rottweilers in?

I know.

It's a good question, Rachel, because I also thought Yakov first on this one.

When any time I just hear everyone standing by while their parents fucking dogs kill each other.

No,

they had German Shepherds and

Siberian Huskies, but no Rottweilers.

That's what I call women in Russia, Siberian Huskies.

Maybe the one strip club.

I mean, this.

You know what?

This sounds like it would really affect your life for the worse.

Me?

Do you have Rachel?

Do you have any dogs?

No.

I'm a cat person.

Because you saw dogs get murdered.

It's Rachel.

No.

No.

I grew up, I had dogs, but I'm a cat person.

I mean, this is like watching a dog get eaten by another dog would really fuck you up.

I mean, I watch those videos online all the time.

It would not make you follow an appropriate Jewish girl's path and go into a world of comedy because you've been affected greatly by the time you saw those two dogs die.

You know, you really can't talk about how often pit bulls are attacking other dogs without seeming racist.

It's a weird thing.

Racist?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like naming crime statistics.

It's the whole problem.

You're like, you know what, leave it alone.

Mention Chicago.

It's a whole thing.

Well, there's no one black up here.

So we have to figure this is a white person's story.

I'm kind of leaning, Rachel.

I got to be honest with you.

That's where I'm at.

No.

Rachel, have you ever watched an animal die?

No.

But I do watch Dateline.

So I watch humans die.

That's fun.

Yeah.

Did you have dogs growing up?

I had a dog named Sebastian and a dog named Chichi.

Sebastian was a half Sheltie, half golden retriever.

He was fully ridden.

And Chi-Chi was a little Chihuahua who had no teeth who used to bite me on the face.

You had Chi-Chi first, though, right?

I had Chi-Chi.

I named her because I couldn't say Chihuahua as a kid, so I would say Chi-Chihuahua.

How cute is that?

I mean, how cute is that?

It's even cuter that because of that, we know that's why your porn name is Chi-Chi Benson.

Chi Chi Benson is

my porn name.

I grew up on Benson Street.

My first dog was Chi-Chi.

Great porn.

That's a great porn name.

Chi-forn.

That's a guy also.

Mine is terrible because it's a great porn name, but for a girl, my name would be Brandy Brockton.

That's hot.

Brandy Brockton and Chi-Chi Benson in Analust Five.

Why not Sebastian?

Why wouldn't you be Sebastian?

It wasn't my first dog.

Actually, my first dog was really named Dookie.

For the Green Day album?

No.

This is true.

Dookie?

This is true as well.

He was named Dookie because he would shit all over the house.

And instead of cleaning the shit, my parents were just like, we're just going to call him Dookie.

That's what he does.

Oh, so his name's the warning.

Yeah, his name is what he does.

Like that Rottweiler was named Death Dog.

That was a bad joke.

No, you're doing good, dude.

Folks.

I like a dog named Sebastian.

Did he wolf like, aren't you embarrassed?

Wolf?

No, he was named after Sebastian Bach, the lead singer of Skid Row.

Who blocked me on Twitter?

That's gayer.

Can I ask a question?

What is a dog nap?

Stealing, like kidnapping, but a dog.

He's fooling you, dude.

So they tried to dognap the Rottweiler so they would save him from being put down.

Is that why I'm assuming?

This is a woman fucking story.

The whole thing.

No, I grew up in the suburbs.

This would not happen.

This only would happen in the suburbs.

No.

I think this is Yakov, to be honest, dude.

I think it's Yakov.

This is very Soviet.

Yeah, it's very...

Read it like in your voice.

And then someone felt bad for the dog.

The dog that just killed the other dogs.

I'm walking in.

I'm walking in.

She's got wolf in her name.

She's doing a dog story.

It's so obvious.

It's right in front of us.

You know what?

I I didn't even think about the wolf and the name thing, but that is now the entire reason I think it was you, Rachel.

That's literally not at all.

I've given up the other reasons why I thought it was you, and now it's just because your name has wolf in it.

You love dog stories, stories about dogs and them killing each other.

The mighty animal kingdom.

Wow.

Brendan and Yakov going into a one-on-one battle.

Oh, really, Mr.

Sister?

Then I'll fucking say you.

Alex, all of our final answers are in.

final story.

The final story belongs to

Rachel Wolfson.

Damn.

Woo, woo, woo!

We knew it.

We knew it.

The dog nap was the thing that really got me at the end.

I was like, she would remember that cute little detail.

It's like, they try to save the dog.

So anything else?

What type of dogs did it kill?

Italian greyhounds.

Six substantial size dogs.

That's fucking.

This, so I was in the middle.

The neighbors on one side had the Italian Greyhounds.

The neighbors on the other side, they owned an Akita, a Pitbull, and a Rottweiler.

Like, there was some shady shit going on over there.

And I come home, and the son was walking the Italian Greyhounds.

And this dog would, their dogs would always get out.

And

fucking trap house dogs.

Yeah, and like,

which, yeah, we were in, it was a nice neighborhood.

And

the Rottweiler got out and attacked the two dogs.

I watched the dog get flung up in the air.

It like died right in front of us.

This was like the Brendan Sagalow of dogs.

Yeah, essentially.

Yeah, cute and cuddly.

Did these dogs belong to the girl that you confronted?

Because that would be a fucked up day, wouldn't it?

No, sadly.

But yeah, crazy.

And

you watched these dogs die.

Yeah.

And was it sad?

Yeah.

And that's what it was?

Someone tried to kidnap the Rottweiler at a station.

Oh, yeah, the next day.

Well, the whole neighborhood was really upset.

So, someone in the neighborhood felt bad and tried to

dognap the dog to kill it.

And then the cops were killed.

Oh, to kill it.

Oh, I thought they were saying to try to save it from being taken by the menu.

No, no, no.

They wanted to, like, they wanted to kill the dog for killing the dogs.

Yeah, Vegas is rough.

I'm sorry.

Holy shit.

Oh, it was Vegas.

If I knew you were from Vegas, I just would have said you for almost every story.

Yeah.

God damn, that's fucking wild.

Was it a nice neighborhood?

Didn't sound like it.

Yeah, it was nice, Alex.

What's our final scores?

All right, on the scoreboard in last place with eight points, Yakoff Smirnoff

in fourth place with nine points, Brendan Sagalow.

Second place is a tie, and your winner tonight with 22 points is Lewis J.

Gomez.

Congratulations again, Lewis.

Once again, you have finagled and fucking

cocks.

I played well.

I think, first of all, also, I think I had one story named in the first half, and I still scored that many points.

Let it be pointed out to all the people on YouTube that goes, oh, Lewis's story is rolled the second story.

Or votes last.

Fuck off.

Nice, humble win, bro.

I'm just that good.

I'm just

a guy who's got a good record.

Come on, son of a bitch.

Louis Jake Gomez keeps

Young Writer's Day by Jus Bree in the Story Wars library.

Thank you, Lewis, for saving that book for us.

You know I want to get in on that thing.

I want to learn everything about that person.

How about a big round of applause for all of our amazing contestants tonight?

The living legend, Yaakov Smirnov,

Brendan Sagalo,

Rachel Wolfson.

Thank you all so much for being here, everyone.

I'm Big Jay Okerson.

I'm the Puerto Rican Radalthink, Louis Jay Gomez.

We'll catch you guys next time.

Until then, peace.