051. Brian Redban, Kurt Metzger & Tommy Pope | Money

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7.45 p.m.

to be a part of the show.

Don't be a piece of shit.

Just get your tickets and come.

It's fun, Buckface.

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Hey, before we start today's Story Wars, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors, and that, of course, is Yo Kratom.

Long time.

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We give Yo Kratom double points.

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Home of the $60 Kilo, everybody.

That price never changes no matter how many things in the world do change.

Presidents, time,

assassination attempts, Gaza wars.

What else?

There's something else going on over there.

I don't know, man.

You've been listening to me.

Part of the problem too much.

I've been digging into the part of the problem.

It starts playing after my last video sometimes.

Yo, creatum.com, home on the $60 kilo.

Let them know that we sent you no promo code needed.

All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars, live from the Comedy Mother Ship in Austin, Texas, with Big Jay Okerson and Lewis J.

Gome.

Gomez.

What is up everybody welcome to Story Wars make some fucking noise in here Austin

We are at the mothership the home of Story Wars Austin Texas this is it what a what a fun I'm seeing a lot of familiar faces like a lot of people here on the last show Yeah.

The entire front row is identical.

I didn't realize that guy's Jewish locks are dreadlocks.

That's somehow grosser than Jewish locks.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

How many are not familiar with the game Story Wars?

One stupid bitch.

Lewis.

That isn't how you get people interested.

She's giving it a chance.

No, and you are blowing immediately, you're blowing it.

Fucked you, lady.

No, Miss, he doesn't speak for the show.

I hope you.

This is one of the best times you ever had.

She thinks she's better than us.

Oh, my God.

You're not better than us.

You don't, what have you created, lady?

Lewis was a com Lewis was a complete orphan by 16 years old.

He doesn't understand what he does.

He's a piece of shit.

I smoothed it over.

I smoothed things over, I feel like.

Well, we are very excited about today's show.

It's going to be a great one.

Why don't we introduce some of our guests, Jay?

Absolutely.

Why don't we introduce all of them while we're at it?

You know what?

Let's do it

two of the three, and maybe we'll do a third after.

Our first contestant doing the show, I believe, for the first time from right here in Austin, Texas.

You know him from Kill Tony.

You know him from the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

How about some noise for the hilarious Brian Red Van in the house?

And your second competitor from the Stuff Island podcast and entire season one and season two on Netflix.

Clapping up for the one and only Tommy Pope Pope.

Tommy Tommy Pope.

Tommy Tommy Pope.

Tommy Tommy Pope.

Tommy Pope, Tommy, Tommy Pope.

Tommy Pope, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy Pope.

It's Tommy Pope.

It's Tommy Pope.

That walk is so long.

Well, you didn't.

No, it's not your fault.

I'm not blaming you.

I'm just saying we have to.

It starts over there.

Calm down, Pope.

Jesus Christ.

He's wearing polo right now, also, just so you know.

What is that cologne that you're wearing?

Imagine looking like a bed bug making fun of my cologne.

Jesus Christ.

Tommy Pope, Tommy, Tommy Pope.

Tommy Pope.

Tommy, Tommy Pope.

Tommy Poppy.

Holo.

And last but not least, our final contestant on the show.

You know him from his 30-minute special on YouTube.

He's an Emmy Award-winning writer.

He is my oldest friend in comedy.

He is the hilarious Kurt Metzger joining the show.

Kurt Metzger, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Metzger, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Metzger, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Metzger, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Metzger, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Metzker, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Metzker, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Metzger, Kirker, guys, smashed somebody's table with my hips on the way up here.

Kirk Metzger.

Kurt Mesker always fucked this guy's drink up with my hips, dude.

Oh, well, that's because you're like you've been on the saddle lately.

You know what I mean?

It looks like so.

Yeah, your hips are widening out.

Yeah.

You're getting those yellowstone haunches.

I got

the hips of a land, man.

The hips of a fucking, yeah, a real surveyor's body.

Oh, what's up, Red Band?

What's up, TP?

Let's have a look.

Can I piss?

Right now?

What?

TP's got to piss.

Tommy, you have to piss right now?

No.

I mean, we were in the green room for hours.

I had a tinkle before the show.

Good.

Good.

So I wouldn't disrupt it.

So two of you guys have never played Story Wars before.

We'll explain the

rules real quick.

Wow.

Start it over so we have it clean.

So two of you guys haven't played Story Wars before.

Let's explain the rules real quick.

Story Wars.

Story War right away.

Sturvy Burst.

Sturvy Ward.

Sturvy Blurs.

Story Wars is a very simple game that sounds very complicated.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject?

Money.

Ooh.

Money.

Alex, our lovely producer.

Or wait.

Tonight is going to be G-Mike.

Yeah, because our lovely producer

is going to be...

Alex, she'll fucking boo.

What the fuck?

Alex, show them your voice.

Listen to what it sounds like.

Story number one.

She can't do it.

That rules.

She can't do it.

Alex.

No, we made her do it the whole show.

It was painful the last show.

Alex, say, I'll get you.

and your little dog too.

I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too.

Alex,

say come into my gingerbread house, Hansel and Gretel.

Come into my gingerbread house, Hansel and Gretel.

All right, one more.

Alex, do the entire Vincent Price speech from Michael Jackson's thriller.

Darkness falls across the land.

The midnight hour is close at hand.

Creatures crawl in search of blood to terrorize y'all's neighborhood.

And whosoever shall be found without the soul for getting down must stand and face the hounds of hell and rotten summer oh love to have you on the secret show

for no mere mortal can resist

the evil of the thriller

Thank you, Alex.

So G-Mike will be reading off our stories in no particular order, one at a time, for eight stories.

If it is your story, you're the only person up here who knows that, so it's your job to fool the others that it's not your story.

If it is your story, or if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

Every time for every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

Once you write the name of your guests on this little dry erase board, put it in this stand right here, and remove your hand, that's your final answer.

You can't change it, boys.

And I'll tell you right now: look, here's the thing: two of you guys have never played before.

Kurt, Brian, it's a fun game, but we are not playing for fun.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for tonight.

Every week here at Story Wars.

Can you just call me Brian?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, that's Brian.

I'm Brian.

Oh.

Tommy, you

TP.

Red Ben's name's Brian?

Yes.

And my last name is.

Alex.

Say Red Ben's name.

Holy shit, I'm so sorry.

Tommy.

You don't know my last name yet.

It gets worse.

I thought it was Dennis.

I thought it was Red Ben.

We're in Texas, baby.

He's swearing on the bed.

Hey, Red's on the show.

Hey, Red.

Who's coming down here, Red?

Not much.

What are you doing here?

Red Ben.

Who?

Tommy, you've played the game before when it was on Legion of Skanks.

I think I did.

That's what Jay said.

I did?

100%.

On Legion of Skanks.

We did it.

Alex, tell him he did.

He did it.

Never run.

It's all three.

All three names.

Thank you, Alex.

Thank you, Alex.

Predators on Starry Wars, guys.

Come on, give him some love.

I swear to God, he played.

Well, Jay, you're stupid.

Tell them what we're playing for.

Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library.

Tonight, our winner takes home the best and basic and easy recipe of Texas cooking by

the Texas Department of Tourism.

Published by the Texas Department of Tourism, this cookbook features a collection of classic recipes that highlight Texas's rich culinary traditions.

With straightforward instructions and everyday ingredients, it offers an accessible way to experience authentic Texas barbecue and cooking.

Copies are available across the street at Scruffy Souvenirs and Food Mart on 6th Street.

What a book!

32 pages of recipes.

It's just, that's a pack of dikes

just brewing up diarrhea in a pot at a bus stop

but yeah

tell me how much you don't disrespect our price

i i'm i'm looking forward to it i would take both your and red man's life for that cookbook

i want that known

i love donald pope and i would take his life

it's gonna get pretty heated in here Everybody wants a piece of the basic, best, easy recipes of Texas cooking by the Texas Department of Tourism.

It's coveted.

And a number one over at Scruffy's across the street on 6th.

A state cookbook.

I think, yeah.

I think this crowd is ready for war.

Are we ready for war?

Are we ready for war?

That one lady just nodded.

Yeah.

Then, G.

Mike, with no further ado,

story number one.

Story number one.

My family never had a bank.

God, your voice sucks.

That does not hit like Alex.

Okay, all right.

Well, we got to do what we got to do.

I bet Tommy Pope would read it really good.

My family never had a bank account and did all the banking and bill payments at a check caching place.

All right, this is my story, but it's not my story.

Just so you guys know, my mom was against bank accounts, but I did not submit this.

Well, that's easy enough.

Okay, never mind, then moving on.

I mean, you do this a lot.

You say, this is my story, but this one isn't my story.

That's the story, yeah.

The whole story is we went.

That was it.

This is a hard game, dude.

Wait, can you reread that?

It's on the screen in front of you, Tommy.

It should be called Sentence Wars.

Well, it makes me feel like this is not Kurt's story.

Oh, yeah, I guess you could be playing

the game well, right?

Because the idea is you'll tell the story story.

Tommy, did you grow up with a trashy family?

What?

Did you grow up with a trashy family?

Yes.

Not like that.

That's insane.

Yeah.

You know what's so crazy about it?

Yo, we need to go to fucking Target to do our banking.

That's insane.

Hold on.

Let's read that.

My family never had a bank account.

You see how weird that is?

And did all the banking and bill payments at a check cashing place.

No one in the family, not one member of the family, has had a bank account.

And this person thinks that you have to get a bank account as a family.

That's 1800s type shit.

That's you hold coins under your mattress.

How are you getting by?

Where are you from?

I grew up in Rockland County, New York.

Ew.

He's not wrong.

Red Benny, you're from Ohio, right?

Way better.

No, it's not.

Ohio.

Nice suburbs.

The shittiest suburbs of Ohio.

Oh, hell yeah.

Did you grow up?

Where in Ohio?

Oh, yeah.

We started off very, very rich, and then my parents got divorced.

We were the first divorce in Ohio, I think.

What the fuck?

Yeah, too.

Yeah.

1982, I think.

Red Band used a soundboard for his parents' divorce.

This is so vague and so, it's very difficult.

Yeah, I know it's hard, but I'm getting some Tommy Pope vibes right now.

No,

that's crazy.

No, it's not.

That's not crazy.

Let's keep saying it's crazy.

I can't tell if Kurt's playing the game phenomenally and it's Kurt, but I know Kurt's family, this is not, I don't think they were banking in a channel.

They were Jehovah's Witnesses.

I feel like those are like...

Yeah, they hid their fucking money and blankets.

Oh, we just buried our dead in our backyard.

Yeah, no birthdays, but you banked with banks.

But Jay's from a trashy family, too, and I can trust.

Yeah.

They never had a bank account.

They had a bank.

They didn't need a bank account.

Oh,

I hadn't considered that.

They were a bank owner.

Not those kind of Jews.

Right?

My parents, while not making a lot of money, were medical professionals.

They owned a house, too, right?

Yeah.

You can't own a house without a bank account.

You're out.

I don't believe you can own a house without a bank account.

You're out.

Your parents were dead when you were.

My dad was murdered when I was four, and my mom was.

That sounds like not having a bank account.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

Yeah, you were like three kids in a trench coat opening up in a bank account.

Because your fucking parents were dead.

I mean.

You didn't buy your couches couches at a store.

You bought it at a center, right?

Like, you rented all your business.

You rent a center.

No, look, my mom didn't have a bank account.

This is absolutely the truth.

And I didn't have a bank account until after my son was born.

That's genuinely a true story.

That's how they get you.

But this was not my story.

I'm getting, honestly, I can see this being Big J, but I think it's, I'm getting Tommy Pope vibes.

Okay.

Tommy looks frazzled for sure, but I don't know why I don't think I always look frazzled.

Also, this is crazy.

So, you just write down our guess now?

You write down your guess, you put it in the slot.

Kurt, we went over the instructions at the beginning of the game.

I know, I didn't catch it, and I was too embarrassed to ask.

Why don't you put your

board in the stands?

I got that board.

Okay.

Final answer.

Tommy Pope is my vote.

I'm going.

What's his name again?

The first.

I feel like this would be too obviously me, Jay.

Well, you keep saying it's you.

Okay, be an idiot.

Oh, come on.

Come on, Curtis.

Now, does it, I'm not saying his last name is obviously

Redband, one for Thomas.

Tommy Poop.

I say Lewis.

Tommy Penis.

Penis Pizza?

Yeah, Tommy.

Penis Pizza.

Okay.

Oh, cock pizza.

Tommy cock pizza.

Call him Thomas.

Oh, you're a picture.

And the pizza is because he's Italian.

I liked it.

We're having a good time.

Mike.

Mike, all of our answers are in.

That story

belongs to Big Jay Okerson.

Wow!

I know it.

Now, when it's your night, let me say this.

It's your night, dude.

Can I say, Jay, I have a real issue.

They never had a bank account.

Liar.

Yeah.

I mean, that's...

They owned a house.

On my life.

You can't own a house without a bank account.

On my life.

On your life.

Absolutely.

From the time I lived there,

I mean, when I left,

I would go pick up their checks from their hospital jobs and then take it to a check cashing place and have them also, which we were member of, so they only took like 1%.

And then you could also pay like your phone bill and your electric bill and cable and shit there.

And it was just, and they just get the rest in cash in a thing, and it would live in a drawer, drawer cash.

That's how they live their lives.

Yeah, how'd they buy it?

What about now?

Um, I don't know, maybe a windfall of cash.

I have no idea, probably something illegal.

I don't have the answer.

No, they both worked in a hospital actually

or something.

Huh?

There needs to be another level of this

show where you have to take a lie detector test.

Yeah.

I'm not having any of this.

Your mom is going to be a good one.

I'll just say, I just.

I should have called my mom, shall I answer?

And you get double points.

Yes, call your mom right now.

Double the points.

Double the points.

And Jay, your mom says

if she had a bank account while you're over here.

Double the points.

No, no, no, no.

Hold on.

Triple the points.

Terry?

No, his name's Terry.

Yeah.

So call your mom right now.

If she had a bank account, Jay, should we disqualify this round of your points if she had a bank account?

Sure.

Speaker.

Speakerphone.

Yeah, well, can I get her on the the phone?

No, first.

No, no, no.

How does she answer the phone?

She's like, ooh, I'm so horny, Jay.

I'm so glad you called me.

She's probably sleeping.

Jay, I'm.

I'm just being older and getting a call from what's up.

Hey, mom.

Speakerphone.

I'm going to put you on speakerphone real quick.

You're on my phone in front of a couple hundred people.

But

I told.

No, no, no.

We're on speaker phone, piece of shit.

And let me ask a question.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Let me speak to her.

No, why?

I'll say exactly.

If you have a problem with the way I said it, you can correct me.

No, but if I correct you, can I speak to my mother?

We just woke this lady up.

Please, she's being a good sport.

Mom, hi.

Hi.

Is that her?

Hey, Terry.

It's good.

No, ask her.

Don't leave the question.

Mom, Kurt's here.

Kurt?

Metzger Kurt?

Yeah, Mr.

Kurt.

Hey, hi, Kurt.

Hey, Terry.

Lewis is also here.

Oh, Lewis is here, too.

Shit, I forgot.

Hi, Lewis.

Hi.

Hi, babe.

That's not a soldier.

Red tear.

So hold on.

Don't lead.

Don't leave.

I promise you I won't leave it.

Just ask her a very blank question.

Blank slate question.

Don't tell her anything.

Can I tell her the story I told you?

No.

Why don't I just read what I wrote?

No.

I want you to just ask her a clear question.

Don't say anything else.

Just ask a question.

Okay.

Mom.

Put it to the.

Up until the time that I left the house was gone,

there was no bank account in the household.

Everything was I.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ask a simple question.

You're leading.

Can I ask the question, please?

The story I wrote is my question.

No, no, no, no, no.

Stop.

No, no, stop, stop, stop.

What are you going to dick around?

You're leading the fucking question right now.

I know what you're doing.

If you're not leading the witness,

he is.

Let me ask the question.

Overruled.

Terry, how are you tonight?

What?

She doesn't speak Spanish, dude.

Derry.

Derry.

What?

Up until Big Jay moved out of the house.

He calls me Jay.

And up until your little baby Jay moved out of the house,

did you or called you Big Jason?

I love you, Mo.

Hang on.

Did you or your husband have an actual bank account?

Up until the time that Jay moved?

Yes.

I'm

going to say no.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

You're a bad mother.

Just killed it, mom.

You did great.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

I love you.

That was beautiful i love you i'll call you tomorrow

that was beautiful

suspense did not see that coming

she heaved a big sigh before she said the answer the suspense she had no idea what the suspense was let's stop doing the rest of the show what did she do

what did she think happened

i want to say no

Why would everybody be so excited for our lack of a bank account?

Oh, my God.

It was a smart move when I was a kid.

She just thought that was a dream, by the way.

She's like,

Did Jay call me last night with a scream?

Sounds like a dream.

That's what it sounds like.

That's very possible.

I haven't talked to my son-in-law.

I dreamt you asked if I had a bank account,

and everyone cheered when I said no.

What a crazy dream.

That's how Jews get to heaven.

Dude,

they were smart to get me.

I started driving, and you can't wait to drive a ton.

So they would go on payday, they'd go, go to the hospital, pick up our paychecks, go to the check cashing place.

Yo, I got to have kids that get like pick up the mail and shit.

I got to get a mom that picks up the phone when it calls.

Oh.

That's fucking nuts.

What time is it right now?

Jay just cleaned the fuck up.

And I will say, I mean, well, you know what?

No, we can say it.

Jay won the earlier show tonight.

First time.

I mean, first time in 35 episodes that he's won a show.

And now he is way ahead of everybody.

Mike, tell us our points, right, right now.

Never go to war with Jay when a cookbook's on the phone.

greatest blunders.

A book of food?

A food book.

Shut up.

Motherfuckers ready to go in.

Mike, where are our points at?

Jay fooled all four people, so Jay has four points.

Damn.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Wow.

Let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting today's show.

Body Body Brain Coffee is my brand, full disclosure.

And I'll tell you right now,

I wouldn't be able to come out here and battle with the best story warriors on the planet if I wasn't fueled up on Body Brain Coffee.

I'm fueled up on it.

Why do I suck shit so much?

Story Warriors is all about battling it out with your brain and your balls.

And if you're running low on either, we've got that fixed.

It is testosterone forward coffee designed for dudes who want to think faster, hit harder, and fuck smarter.

It's packed with Tonga Ali for natural testosterone support.

Do you know that Tonga Ali is my favorite Jean-Claude Vande Dame villain for kickboxer?

Ashwaganda to chill the hell out.

Lionsmane to boost your brain.

Do you know Ashwagandha is my favorite place the Black Panthers from?

Lions Man to boost your brain and L-theanine to keep you focus sharp without the crash.

And the coffee, it's not some dusty mushroom dirt water.

It's bold, premium, Colombian freeze-fried coffee that actually tastes amazing.

Lewis, I got to work on jokes for Lions Mane and L-theanine.

Well, drink some more Body Brain coffee.

Your brain's going to fire on all functions.

Woo!

So, right now, go to bodybraincoffee.com and use the promo code WAR15 for 15% off.

That is WAR15 for 15% off at bodybraincoffee.com.

Level up your brain, unleash your balls.

I'm going to unleash them on you.

All right, where were we?

Mike, story number two.

Story number two.

She answered, dude.

I haven't talked to Jay's mom in years.

My mom would picture it at noon.

I sold my entire comic collection to pay for an abortion.

Jesus Christ!

There's more.

Jesus fucking Christ!

She joined AA years later and called me up out of the blue to tell me she was never pregnant and the money was for meth.

I already know.

I already know.

I already know.

Hold on, wait a minute.

Is this my father's story?

I already know the answer.

It's just like a dark side of red band I never saw coming.

This could be.

I mean, this guy complimented my cologne.

You think I'd be in this fucking cesspool of retardation?

Yeah, comic book collection does scream Red Band or Metzger.

I can see Metzker.

I see Metzger 100%.

He's wearing that hat.

Oh, it could be.

But that's a Red Band story if I ever heard one.

Red Band's coming out hot.

I'd say, pay for your own abortion, bitch.

Red Ban, out.

Red Bond.

Red Bond.

I was into comics, but I would never sell it for a woman.

Yeah, you would.

I'm not waiting for it.

For an abortion?

I already know.

I'm not waiting.

Let's say.

I can already see the abortion math in your head.

Guys, don't be so quick to vote.

We can riff a little.

Fuck this, this guy.

I don't care.

The podcast still, guys.

Moving on to comedy show, first and foremost.

I know everybody gets hung up on the winning.

I'm going to continue to call my fucking mother and eat up seven minutes.

Yeah.

You should call this story mom show and we should call her mom.

Let's get to it.

Let's fucking get to it.

Setting mom.

I mean, it's a scrap.

Lewis wasn't a comic books guy.

I wasn't a comic book collector.

Never.

I was.

Not once in my life have I ever had a girl have an abortion.

They did it without you wanting them to.

He refused to pay.

One pregnancy, one child.

How many miscarriages Lewis told?

Yeah.

42 miscarriages.

I've super kicked a couple bitches in the stomach, but

Lewis said, your body, your problem.

You have full autonomy over handling this yourself.

Jay never had comic books, unquestionably.

Not enough to sell for an abortion.

That's a lot of comments.

All my abortions were cash.

Cash is king at the abortion clinic.

I don't look.

They tell you that.

Yeah.

They tell you that when you go

after hearing that mom voice.

Me, I'm a stem cell man, so I talk to him round back.

It's like landman, but of stem cells.

Land man.

I mean, Red Band, please defend yourself here.

Is this, this has to be you?

No, I mean, I used to collect a little bit of comics.

It's him, it's him, guilty.

No, but it was like literally when I was in high school.

Have you ever had a girl have an abortion?

Oh, many times.

Yeah.

Many times.

I mean, I have seven ghost babies right here.

These lights look like they're looking at them.

They're floaters.

Yeah.

Okay, this is an uplifting story, though, Red Band.

This is a good story.

Instead of being a murderer,

you just paid for a good time.

No, no, I'm just kidding.

It's all fake.

Wow, I'm just looking.

I mean,

yeah.

I had comics, but I know it ain't me, so it's got to be Red Band.

Dude, shelf massacre

it says red barrel

redband you can't you can't vote for yourself

Redband and that's a grave that says baby

if it's not him you you'll be me in the fucking the top two

what let's go ahead

you know you don't get points for voting for yourself

did you vote for yourself

Yeah, you can't do that.

It's against the Story Wars rules.

I don't want to say this.

I got the internet.

Mike, all of our answers are in.

That story

belongs to Brian Redband.

Of course it does.

20 years of comic books, every Spider-Man, everything.

You should get points for saying it first, because I said it first.

Shut up.

So, Redband, what happened here?

Who was this absolute monster of a woman?

I went through the Grateful Dead phase in college, and she was a hippie.

We used to sell acid and grilled cheese and nitrous together.

Nice!

We used to go to Cuba and get these big giant nitrous tanks too for tops.

You definitely put a baby in that.

We didn't.

We didn't.

Do you remember when

I've been to six fish concerts, but I've never seen fish?

I just went to the parking lot to buy opium.

Yeah.

It's the only place you get opium.

This was a crazy thing to be.

Nobody tries to buy opium.

Dude, you should have a pretty badass back in the day.

Really?

What are you?

A fucking Native American?

It's a weird purge.

It's like peyote.

Dude, if you can get it, I say, do it.

Do it, do it.

It's not that crazy.

We used to do it all the time.

Yeah, it's.

Can we get Red Band to the side?

Don't do the things you can do.

I don't want Red Band to clean his sign with his hands anymore.

It's bothering me.

Was he using his hands the whole time like a psycho?

I don't give a shit.

Just abortion.

Yeah, he's trying to wash the blood.

Just dead babies underneath.

DNA of all my dead fucking kids.

Did you tell when they were haggling price of what they were going to pay for your comic books?

You're like, dude, this is for an abortion, man.

Come on.

Look out for a guy.

This was like 30 years ago.

Is this a Kevin Smith movie?

No, but it was like, I remember it being like $200 to $300 back then, and they gave me $400 for my whole.

I mean, I'm talking like...

10,000 comics every single good comic, right?

It would be worth over.

How much was the abortion?

Like $200, $300.

Oh, this is a long time ago, dude.

Less than a PlayStation 5.

Yeah.

But I didn't call it

more fun than a PlayStation 5.

True that.

What are we talking about?

Well, what's weird was...

Are we talking about Tyrion?

Me and Lewis were kidding, but I feel like abortion has really affected a lot of people in this room.

Is that what we're doing right now?

We're talking about Tyrone.

Next question.

Guys,

talk about becoming a man.

Guys, I'm calling Terry.

What is going on?

Yo, that's a right of passion.

What is going on?

Is what that is.

This seems like a good job for Terry.

Alex, or I'm sorry, Mike, where are our points at?

This is chaos.

I think everyone should lose points for that.

We have Lewis, Tommy, and Kurt with two points each.

And in the lead with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

God damn it.

I mean, I'm a runaway train at this point.

You better make that casserole for me.

Mike.

Austin's finest casserole.

Story number three.

His cookbook family is nuts.

Story number three.

I stole money out of a stranger's car and wet with my friends to an amusement park with it.

Yeah, Lewis is right.

The audience said it.

We were all thinking.

This is such a benign story.

This could be anybody.

That's what a Puerto Rican was.

That's a very suspicious.

Yeah, he's like, well, it wasn't a violent robbery.

I could have cut anybody.

Why would you say out your car.

I thought it could be anybody until you said that.

Lewis, you're an unscrupulous asshole who would just go opening fucking doors and see if you can steal money out of it for sure.

I mean, who didn't do that as a kid?

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, 100%.

How many of you, if you didn't steal money out of cars when you were a kid?

One bitch.

Open doors.

Wait,

blow it up.

Everybody, Miss, you stole money out of cars when you were a kid.

Yes, you did.

I don't think they understood the question because no one in here clapped.

Clap if you did do that.

It's all, this is Texas.

It's a very common thing.

I mean, it's about how it's.

Was it common?

That was a decent amount of people.

That was patchy at best.

Most people didn't.

Jay,

I don't think Jay would have the balls to steal money out of a car.

Is that what the problem is?

Balls?

Yes, balls.

How about scruples?

Or class?

Aren't scruples balls?

Or my scruples?

Dude, so much.

Oh, dude, they're going to kick me in my scruples.

Oh, they're going to drag my scruples across your face to keep this shit up all night.

You got a lot of fucking scruples talking to me like that.

You got a big old fucking fet set of scruples coming in here with that hat, boy.

Tommy, did you steal as a kid?

Yes.

The first time I've ever stolen was from a Wawa.

I took little, you know, penny candies.

A couple of newspapers.

Red, red, let me finish.

And I would steal handfuls of penny candies and I'd shove them in my fucking my jeans and my mom would take me back to the to Wawa and say, you gotta pay for this shit.

Call your mom right now.

I want to verify this story.

You don't wanna believe it.

You know what?

I will.

I'll take an attempt at this.

Call your mom.

I want to take some answers.

Bro,

here's what's bananas about this.

I'm gonna eat up a lot of time and I don't want to do this.

My dad just got his kidney removed

cancer.

Oh cancer.

Is that good or bad?

I thought you were gonna say like he woke up in a ice in a bathtub of ice.

Was it in Thailand?

Yeah.

My dad got kidnapped and had his kidney taken.

Guys,

I'm gonna call my fucking mom.

Just so you know, no pressure, Tommy.

She's not awake.

She's a 12-hour night nurse.

Listen, I'm not putting any pressure on you.

I just want to say that.

Oh, are you not?

If I called my mother again right now, she'd answer all over again.

I think mine would too.

Why don't you just call my mom instead?

First of all, I don't believe what just happened.

I think Alex answered that going, hello!

No, no, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.

Let me call my mom instead of it.

I was going to show you my call.

Let me see what happens.

This is going to be fucking nuts.

And also, she's not going to answer.

Mama Pope.

She's making the sauce now.

She's probably stirring gravy.

She's Irish.

She's Irish.

Oh.

She's Irish.

She's Irish.

she's boiling the

crock pot.

Set it and forget it.

That's mom papilla.

Crock pot.

That's what alcoholics cook with.

Crock pot.

Because you can pass out and just leave.

Yeah, little for me, little for the pot roasts.

Yeah, see?

Your call has been forwarded to Blue.

Oh, she did it.

She did it.

She dated it.

She dated it.

No, that's actually a good woman.

That's a good woman.

She dated it.

No, she already did it.

I'm fucking 45.

If I have a child and my child tries to call me at this hour, it's almost midnight.

What is that?

I'd be so disgusted.

I'd be like, kid, grow up.

Go on.

Well, I would think there was an accident with my child probably at 2 in the air.

Yeah, but who gives a shit at that point?

Just three of us.

One of us dies.

Did you steal when you were younger?

Yeah, but not out of strangers' cars.

It's less like a weird...

Like, the juice ain't worth the squeeze.

That's like stickball shit.

The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

The juice, juice, not the juice.

Oh, my God.

Calm down, Dave Smith.

The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

Dave Smith.

You understand?

Locks it in.

Also, who had teenage access to an amusement park?

Yeah, there was no amusement.

I wouldn't go to sex holes.

I didn't literally until I was 19 years old.

You could pay with change at the amusement park.

Was that an amusement park, really?

No.

What?

If you could pay with a stranger's change.

Oh, Oh, I don't know if they said it was change.

I've talked to you.

I was assuming it was cash at this point.

I haven't.

How much did you take?

I didn't go to Six Flags until I was 19 years old.

That doesn't matter.

You might have went to a different one.

Does Six Flags have a jail like Disney?

Six Flags?

Well, they will.

Didn't Alex, did you get banned from Six Flags?

Yes, I did.

Alex got caught with weed trying to go into Six Flags when we all went on a big company trip and we had to like,

literally, they were so bad at it.

She just came back like 10 minutes later to a different gate and they let her in yeah but it was a whole thing

they were like were you the lady come back were you the lady with the weed and she went brains

i need brains

lewis might be somebody that thinks fairs are amusement parks though like he goes

he's puerto rican and he does call car he calls carnivals amusement that's not that's not an amusement park and if somebody did write that and it's a carnival then that doesn't count as points for them i'm honestly tommy tommy chose kurt i'll wait Luna.

That makes no sense.

Lunas was so suspicious.

I think it's a trick.

You guys are retarded.

Am I now?

Also, you can't say that word anymore.

You cover him for Jay or Red Bay.

I think the fact that Tommy chose Kurt is telling, and I think it's Tommy.

Oh, shit.

Why would you choose?

Oh, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake.

Why'd you give him a tell?

Fuck.

Tommy Poe is the answer.

Yo, I'm going to go with Dewis Jay Gomez on this one.

You're an idiot, dude.

That's a good one.

That's a good one.

No, he's right.

He's going with your choice, ain't Tommy.

No, he's going with me.

That's a real good one.

Tommy's his mother's not awake when he wants to talk to her.

Shut the fuck up, bro.

It's because she disowned him after he stole money out of a stranger's car and went to an amusement park.

She probably just wanted to show off.

I'm not saying I didn't, but that wasn't my story.

All right.

Everybody's locked in.

G-Mike.

If I'm wrong, he's Lewis, but

that story

belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, bitten by the rattlesnake.

You got to watch that rattlesnake.

This show sucks.

I'm having no fun.

Called my mom.

I think.

The bitch didn't answer.

I don't know what to say.

Dan got snake.

You know what?

I think it was subconscious because he put my name that I was like, oh, motherfucker.

Fuck this guy.

Yeah, well, that was a good plan, my end.

All right, next question.

So, hold on, let me tell the story.

Oh, God.

Red Ben, give me your audience to clean this.

This is what I was like, maybe 11.

Me and my friends would regularly just break into cars in the supermarket parking lots and clear out all the change.

And this one time we were walking by like a pickup truck outside of like

just some store, and we saw a brown paper bag on the front seat, and we're like, all right, let's just grab that, see what it is.

We grabbed it, and there was two or three $100 bills in the bag, along with some other shit, like some magazines or whatever.

And yeah, me and my, it was me and my friend Mike and his older brother Serge.

And then Serge took all of the money and gave

Serge, yeah.

Sergio?

Sergio.

Yeah, that's what you call a guy named Sergio.

Sergei, Serge.

Serge Tankian.

You've heard the name Serge.

That's it.

Never?

Not like

you, Serge.

I didn't grow up with a bunch of Surges.

It's a name, Jay.

Yeah, from the guy from System of it Down.

But there's a lot of Surges out there.

All right.

He protected me.

So,

no, but his older brother gave us $20 each and kept the rest of the money for himself because he was like three years older than us and we couldn't do anything about it.

And then I took that $20 bill and I went to Rye Playland.

It was during my summer camp days.

Rye Playland, folks, home of the Dragon Coaster.

That's like in Mad Max when Mad Max goes in the old amusement bar and the weird mutant children.

Woohoo!

Goony!

Dragon Ridge!

Mike, where are our points at?

On the scoreboard.

We have Brian Redband, Tommy Pope, and Kurt Metzger with two points each.

I suck at this game.

This game starts.

In second place with four points, Luis J.

Gomez.

And in the lead with eight points.

Wow.

Big Jay Oakers.

Wow.

I bet Jay is going to be working some real magic in the kitchen pretty soon.

You have no idea, buddy.

You guys have to win every game.

This is just a game.

I've won five times out of like 50 some odd games.

Yeah.

Lewis has won a bunch.

I won a lot.

You keep telling your own stories.

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Mando for supporting today's show.

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Now, if you don't mind me, I'm going back to business.

Where were we?

Oh,

no.

Mike, story number four.

Story number four.

One of my parents thought they became a millionaire from a publisher's clearinghouse effort.

Oh,

Big J or Tommy.

Well, don't keep in mind, Kurt's parents believed in Jehovah's Witness shit.

So they could have believed in it.

So did Michael Jackson, the great Michael Jackson.

You know what I mean?

Kurt's parents were duped.

Easy.

Suburban, right?

I like it.

Yeah, suburban.

Avon, you and Avon back.

My parents were under 60, though.

I like this.

Yeah, but I mean...

It's a bit of a Nigerian email scam, that thing.

I met your mom, and she would love to meet Ed McMahon.

What did you say?

I met your mom, and she would love to meet Ed McMahon.

I don't know about that.

That would be top of the the dream.

You know what she does?

She listens to, she's going to watch it.

Oh, like, she'll ask about comics I know.

How's Jay?

How's.

Or ones I don't know that well.

How's Theo Vaughan?

She don't give a shit about Ed McMahon.

My mom is fucking crazy.

Apologies.

Whose parents?

She doesn't know what talented man.

Whose parents do we think?

Whose parents do we think are dumb as shit?

What?

Because whoever's parents this is.

Oh, Ohio people could really

get into some fucking

publishers clearing house for sure.

Really, it's like they're going to pull up one day.

It's a good question.

Yeah.

It's a good.

One of my parents.

It comes down to intellect at this point.

I feel like this is also a dad thing.

Like dad's.

That's true.

This feels like a dad.

That is a dad thing.

Yeah, absolutely.

Keep out the CD player.

I think single mom.

Single mom.

Single mom waiting for.

When real Prince Charming isn't coming, you think the government Prince Charming is going to come and get you out of this with with this guy.

That's an aggressive father that beat the fuck out of you when you were like weak.

He's not going to believe in these schemes.

You know what's really sad?

Her father was time.

What?

You say, like, an aggressive father would never put up with this shit.

No, fathers are the ones who are supposed to get mad at your mom believing in publishers' clearance.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're going to win this.

And he goes, you're going to let some, you think some fucking company is going to come save you from me and my abuse?

Show up with a chair.

Yes.

You know what I find, though?

Oh, keep dreaming.

You think Ed Ed McMahon's going to come out of his ivory tower to save you, you getting fat bitch?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, now it's...

Ooh, I wish you would.

I bought you a tremendous thing.

Try to get help.

I'll kill you.

I'll kill your whole family.

It's like I told you when I first met you.

I'll kill your whole family.

I bought you a treadmill for Christmas.

You just hang wet clothes over there.

You taubby pile of dump.

When's it your fault, you dump of shit?

Okay, so it's either

both, but I guess is what I'm doing.

Yeah, we're just saying facts.

This is a low-watt brain.

Anyone that thought that they won this much money has a horrible kid that's really stupid that uses a bunch of drugs to write.

Okay, that nails a cam.

And his ballading.

You got to let us guess first.

You know what I find sad about this story?

That was at least Ed McMahon.

Now it's all Indians doing these scamps.

Oh.

Those jobs are gone now at Publishers Click.

Are you going to get star searches, Ed McMahon?

I like that.

They're out there pretending to be AI, sending out fucking publishers claiming it.

Tommy, is this your story?

What?

I think it's Tommy.

Imagine.

Imagine.

My parents.

I'm imagining it.

I'm writing your name.

I would never.

I think that's why your mom didn't answer.

Your mom is currently.

She's right now, Curry.

She's filling out a form.

That's why she didn't answer.

She's giving all of her data right now.

The voicemails are still.

Okay, I'm putting TP because of how Tommy Pope said imagine.

Tommy, I can't answer the phone right now.

I'm getting three free months of Apple television.

Tommy Pope is my answer.

Yeah, this is Tommy Pope written all over Eat.

Which one of you are dumber?

Who'd you say, Brian?

What's that?

Kurt Matzker.

Yeah, it's possible.

I mean, it's possible, but

you just sold yourself.

You showed your ass, right?

Bang,

Yeah, RB.

RB.

You're screwed now.

Aren't you?

Let me jerk you off.

Let me tell you the answer.

Mike, all of our answers are in.

That story

belongs to Kurt Metzger.

I knew it was one of them.

Kurt, I didn't know your mom was such a stupid bitch.

Not my mom.

No, no, no, no.

It was a dad.

It was your dad.

Okay, I'm going to tell you this straight up.

It is one of the craziest.

I was 12.

12 years old.

Call your mom.

Yes.

Well, yes, dude.

Everybody else.

She doesn't have to verify anything.

I'm going to tell you the story.

Please.

My dad has an office he built in the garage, right?

He goes, he calls me and goes, Kurt, listen.

I just found out I'm a millionaire.

So I'm like,

oh, cool.

Like, I'm like, oh, cool.

And he goes, yeah, don't tell your mom yet.

Okay, now

I'm in sixth grade.

I'm in 12.

I look in his hand, and he's holding a Publishers Clearinghouse envelope that says, you are definitely a millionaire.

So if you remember Publishers Clearinghouse, they got in trouble because some old lady sued them because they would write on the envelope say you've already won a million dollars.

It's done.

You have it.

But then you just like buy magazines.

It's like a Nigerian print scam, but with magazines.

So I knew what that was at 12, and I was like, oh, yeah, don't worry, I won't tell mom.

You shouldn't either, or anybody else does.

He never spoke of it ever again.

He just figured it out pretty quick.

Because

he died.

We never talked about it one time.

As we shouldn't.

Not before he shared it with you once.

God damn it.

That's so funny.

Mike, where are our points at?

After four stories, halfway through the game.

On the board with two points, Tommy Pope.

With four points each, Louis J.

Gomez and Brian Redband.

With five points, Kurt Metzger.

Oh, coming back for that cookbook.

Yeah.

And in the lead with eight points, Big Jay Okerson.

They're so behind you.

God damn.

They're so behind you.

Can you imagine if I win a double header, dude?

Wow, that'd be crazy.

Don't I get points for deflecting?

That last round doesn't have more points or points for half rounds.

We're going to go to

relax.

Jesus Christ.

I've never seen a more unruly panel.

We're halfway through the game.

Let's do plugs real quick.

And then we have four more stories, guys.

It's anybody's game.

What are you plugging?

My new podcast, The Derp with Kirp, is coming up.

Hell yeah, dude.

Check out The Derp with Kirp.

Yeah.

Tommy.

It's Steph Island.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, Mark.

Red band.

I have an AI band where I play a woman.

It's called Cat Bread Music.

Hell yeah, dude.

What?

This is the most psychotic panel we've ever had in the history of the show.

It's fucking nuts, but I love it.

It's Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates all over.

Peter, North American tour, coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

Of course, listen to the bonfire five dates a week, Faction Talk, Series X7103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

My special is them, they both available on YouTube.

And of course, right here on the Gast Digital Network, the legendary Legion of Skanks.

Hell yeah.

Come see me on the road, guys.

I'm tipping a special July 12th in Tampa.

Those shows are already sold out, but my July 10th and 11th shows at Side Splitters still have tickets available, so come watch me warm up for that.

Then a bunch of other stuff coming up in August, I got Magoobi Joke House in Timonium, Maryland,

Kansas City's coming up, Providence, Rhode Island, Portland, Maine, and many more.

LewisFskanks.com is a website.

Check out all the other pods.

I don't know what happened.

All the other pods.

Legion of Skanks, the Regs.

Subscribe to Gas Digital.

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And I have a book that I just wrote.

It's coming out December 2nd.

It is available for pre-order right now.

Just go to Amazon and look for Luis Yagoma's Knives and Spoons.

It's a pop-up book.

Coloring book.

All right.

Now,

Brian, you were getting a little worried there.

Say maybe there's got to be a way to mix the game up a little bit, shake things up.

Tommy's freaking out.

And you are freaking out.

Tommy's flat out freaking out.

He's like, why did I come?

This game's over.

But it's not over.

I don't think it's over.

I was just asking, I thought you get points for people guessing incorrectly your name.

No, but for the final four stories, you do get double points.

That was nuts.

Now I get it.

Now I understand the show.

Can we start over?

Well, listen, there is a bad thing.

That was fucking amazing, Jim.

It was

we're not starting over, Tommy.

It's a great time right there.

We're not starting over, but there is a bit of a reset now because, whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point, and if you guessed the right person, you got two points.

Now that moves up to double points.

Tommy, does it feel like your mom picking up the phone when you call?

that was fun.

Yeah, can I have another drink?

I'm dead serious.

Can I have a white cloth, please?

Mike, it's time for story number five.

Can I get speaker?

Story number five.

In high school, we would drink on a golf course, then get breakfast at a diner next door.

A few of my friends would pretend to use the bathroom and beat the check.

Finally, they caught on, and as we got up to use the restroom, they locked the doors and called the cops to arrest us.

Tommy Poke.

What?

Why?

Because it's cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Kind of, sort of.

Yeah.

Sounds like the plot of Caddyshack.

In a roundabout way, yeah.

Book stories.

Were you the guy to threaten the Irish kid in Caddyshack?

You have a t-shirt on that has a big collar like you're hiding wearing a collared shirt with a t-shirt.

Look how long that collared shirt is.

I want him to leave.

No, just a bourbon whiskey or whatever.

Turkey fake ginger.

Okay.

A hard reset.

Tommy, I am getting Tommy Pope vibes here.

Of course it's fucking.

What?

Of course it's it's me.

No, Tommy.

Of course I love that.

Having a good time with my boys.

Getting fucked up on a golf course.

Going to a diner.

Getting arrested with my.

God forbid.

Have a little fun as a teenager.

This could be an Ohio story.

Yeah, because remember Brian said he was rich?

And it sounds like a thing happens.

I mean, I think Tommy pretty much just admitted that it was him.

What are we ignoring right now?

Tommy's a tricky one.

I think he's picking up the game.

he's playing the game he's playing the game like a dago

yeah dumb dago

jewelocks who do you think it is

no yeah no this is sounds great time i wish yeah it's kurt it's kurt again

it's kurt again it's a hundred percent i mean i could see with that hat on it's one i don't feel like kurt was like a drinker in high school that's not the way i'm i wasn't i was a good boy

Mother said I was.

And then it turned.

Tommy was partying.

Tommy's been a cool guy for a long time.

That's me.

Brain Red Bang.

That's my final answer.

I feel like Tommy is being as honest as possible.

That's me.

And we're all ignoring him.

You want some points?

You want some fucking points?

I want to call my mom again?

That's me.

Because if Mom Dukes answers the phone, she's going to say, oh, that sounds like Tommy.

You never did answer that phone, though.

That's me.

Write it down.

I'm going to.

R-E-D-B-A-N.

Fuck.

I also think this is Tommy.

They're doing it, Red Ben.

I think it's Tommy Pope.

They're doing it, Red Ben.

He does.

Tommy does remind me of the Hillside Strangler movie with Nicholas Dutera.

What?

You know what I'm talking about.

Out of the both of us, who do you think is a fucking Hillside Strangler?

No, I would be your cousin, and we would do it together.

Yes.

Tommy,

see Thomas Howell played his cousin that he did it with.

Thomas, Tommy,

you have to put an answer down that's not yourself on the board.

This guy, am I right?

They refuse to put your name as Red Ban.

That's Red Ban.

That's one word.

Red Ban.

Just square on the nose.

Mike, all of our stories are in.

And Serafina, can I get a sugar-free red ball?

I'll take a white claw.

So, me and, yeah, me and Kurt are going to be bad girls tonight.

Guys, one more time for

one more time for Seraphina, our intern.

Come on, how great is she doing?

She panics at attention.

How about Serafina?

She panics if you talk to her a little.

Thanks.

Mike, that story

belonged to Tommy Pope.

Oh, I got tricked.

Jesus Christ.

He said it a hundred times.

I know.

It's called an orgy of evidence.

You would mix it up, like, you know, like, oh, it can't be him.

He's the only one that hasn't had it.

Tommy, is there any more to this story?

Who were these friends?

What was this?

Yeah, in high school, we were drinking a golf course

outside of Philly,

and we would get all fucked up and go to Lanark Diner.

That's where they filmed Silver Linings Playboy.

That one scene.

Nah, dude, fuck that.

Fuck that.

Lanark's Diner.

I know what you hear you're talking about.

Go birds.

It really is always sunny in Philadelphia.

Go birds.

Blow your fucking brains out.

Go birds.

Yes, so they would just, they'd start locking us up.

So we go from getting blacked out in the golf course, go to get some brunch at two in the morning at the Lanark diner.

Try to fucking beat the bill.

And then people would beat the bill.

Yeah, so two of us would go to the restroom, they'd skedaddle, and then, you know, the booths would get a little, they'd wane.

You know?

And then the old bat that has a fucking hairspray head, she wouldn't be paying attention.

And then two more drunks, high school, bop out the front door, and they figured out that we would just every week

beat the bill.

So they got you actually.

And they just locked the doors.

How many times did you do it before they found out?

Months.

The same time.

The same time, same.

Every week.

Yeah, every weekend.

And then so you'd be like, hey,

don't remember us, right?

But we're young, you know?

Boy, how did they put it together?

You're young.

They had a doge to find this

missing diner money.

Yeah.

All right, Mike.

Where are our points at after five stories?

All right, and last place with four points, Brian Redband.

Good.

Good.

With five points, Kurt Metzger.

With six points, Tommy Pope.

Oh, I got a shot.

I got a shot.

Winning the game.

With eight points, Luis J.

Gomez.

And with 12 points, Big Jay Okerson.

Tonight.

Mike, I like when you say in fifth place, in fourth place, in third place, just don't give the points.

Don't make it your own thing.

Do what Alex does.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Mike

story number six

story number six

I used to put tape at the end of twenty dollar bills and put them in cigarette and candy machines and use the tape to pull out the money before it was completely collected.

I got free items plus the change over and over again.

I called it a magic dollar and sold the free items from my trunk.

Ooh, that last part changes everything.

Truck.

Truck is the key word.

Yeah, I was going to say this again is a Lewis.

But

Lewis didn't have a trunk until recently.

I don't think this is

a new heisty.

That's not true.

So I used to steal sneakers from the Palisades Center Mall and sell them out of the back of my trunk.

This is you then, for sure.

Yeah, that's up.

I drove one when I was 16 and 19 before I moved to New York City.

Stole sneaks from a Palestinian mall.

No, the Palisades mall.

That would be a very daring.

That's ballsier than Greta Thunberg.

I went to Palestine.

I don't go to Palestine to steal.

It's a good sneak.

More of a standard.

How'd you get in there?

That's more of a sandals culture.

Did you have to hang glide out?

So, I mean, I didn't sell sneakers out often.

The guy who owned the pizzeria that I worked at would tell us to go steal, like, pay us essentially to go steal sneakers sneakers from the mall.

What?

You had a kingpin?

Yeah.

Pizzeria owners want to be in the mob.

So this guy was like, he'd go to all of his friends in Rockland County and be like, just tell me your size and the brand you want.

And then he'd just say, hey, Nike is size eight.

You know, Adidas, size 12.

And then we'd go and steal the sneakers and come back.

Then one time we showed back up and he was like, I can't take any of these sneakers.

So we had like six pairs of sneakers.

Then I went around Havestra with sneakers and I'd open up my trunk.

I was like, who wants to buy sneakers?

Who was the guy, the leader?

The Shredder?

You were the Foot Clan?

I got these local boys moving sneakers for me.

Did you wear the referee shirt?

Please.

But this wasn't me.

Yeah.

Sam.

I'm getting red band vibes.

Red Band likes technology.

That's what I thought, too.

Yeah, he seems like he would know those weird tricks.

I would say cigarette machine.

Age dates people.

But then I look around and I'm like, oh, I have one.

Everyone's Everyone's old here.

It could be time to do it too, by the way.

That's a very filiest thing.

I would never do.

I don't smoke.

I've eight.

But I think you would.

I think you would call.

You called it magic.

I'm like, eight?

I feel like this is a red band scam.

Yeah, this is a red band.

That's a great way to put it.

It's a red band.

Okay, you know know what, Lewis, I'm going to say red band because he called it his magic dollar.

Yeah.

And I feel like red band's the kind of guy with a little bit of whimsy in him.

You know?

Well, Lewis loves his imagination can make a Japanese body pillow come to life.

Can I throw in the mix here?

Can I throw in the mix here that Lewis smokes cigarettes?

Lewis is a scam artist.

Don't be an asshole.

It's true.

And Lewis loves magic.

He would consider this more of a crazy.

Yeah, but here's the difference.

He loves magic.

This is definitely a portion of it.

Yeah, but I had a magic dollar.

I had a magic dollar.

It wasn't this.

Shit, this could be like a...

A different magic dollar?

Yeah,

I had a dollar that I did magic with.

I'd put a pen through it.

Yeah, this was your magic dollar.

You also would use it to steal money from cigarette machines and candy machines.

Ah, shit.

I already know he broke into cars.

Yeah.

Okay.

What would a cop say?

He'd say Lewis is the Puerto Rican one.

I'm saying Lewis.

The magic thing is what really sealed it for me.

He loves magic.

Yeah, because I forgot Puerto Ricans love magic.

With boyish whimsy, he loves it.

A lot of people don't know.

A lot of people don't know that.

The islands love of magic.

Here's what I'm thinking.

Like every kid at some age, between 13 to 18, you're smoking cigarettes.

you're at least trying to this doesn't even mean somebody smokes cigarettes it means that they were using the $20 bill to to rip off the cigarette machine to sell the cigarettes and to get money a cigarette machine yeah

he's telling you why it's him but it doesn't that's insane you know that they like they get off on getting

they get off on telling you about their crimes these people imagine that

imagine just replace cigarette machine with dildos that's not saying we we like dildos i mean it's a no but it doesn't say they.

It's a dildo machine.

They put it in the cigarette machine and use the tape to pull out the money before it was completed.

I got free items plus change over and over again.

I called up my match dollar and I sold the free items from the truck of my car.

They didn't smoke the cigarettes.

They sold the items.

Look how fast you can read your own words.

Yeah.

That's Lewis's business mind.

No, Lewis's business mind is ridiculous here.

This is before he learned his business mind because $20 bills getting cigarette change isn't large margins.

You got to keep this totally candy machines, exclusively.

Hold on.

That sounds like something the founder of Skank Fest would do.

This

might be brilliant.

I want you guys, I want everyone to vote for me because I want to get the right answer and continue to move ahead with points and have you guys all be wrong.

Yeah.

You fucking dog.

This is number one.

Oh, Kurt Metzger voted.

That's a wild card pick.

Wow, Tommy, that's, I mean, do what you want.

That's a wild card pick.

I feel like weird vibes.

Me and my sister did go through a stealing phase.

I told Jay about that.

We stole all these.

You told me that was to take that to my grave.

Now you're just telling everyone?

Yeah,

because I want to, you know,

I want to make the game good.

G-Mike, all of our answers are in.

That story

belongs to Brian Redman.

Yes.

God damn it.

You anime motherfucker, I should have known with the magic dollar.

You take clear packing tape, like the clear shit, like, and you just put it at the very, very tip of a $20 bill and you wrap it around on each other so it makes a handle.

Then you put it in a cigarette machine or any kind of machine, and you put it in, and you just go wing, and it will credit you for the $20, give you change, and give you your cigarettes.

Then you want to go back to the future?

So anyway,

I used to like in high school, like

sophomore, senior year, just have open up my trunk during lunch and everyone would come and buy cigarettes and fucking pop.

So I would make money on top of that shit.

Sounds like a David Lynch movie, the way you describe it.

No, Red Band is very innovative.

I respect that.

The tech, look, he likes technology, so that was a good guess.

Sure.

He learned how to beat the computers years ago.

I got the IP address of everyone in this room right now.

Nice, dude.

Mike, where are our points at?

In last place

with six points, Tommy Pope.

Fuck you.

Do you think the guy with the dreadlocks is looking on his phone, or did he nod off like heroin?

Heroin.

I bet he's got good stories.

Yeah.

I would also be exhausted if I had the blood of Palestinian children on my hands.

Sure.

For sure.

The guilt must be killing him.

The guilt must be killing him.

Serafina, stop flirting with Redband, you slut.

Jesus Christ.

Do we have the scores?

Keep on going.

You better make me some of that dip.

That's all I can say, Jay.

At last places Kurt Metzger with five points, actually.

Yeah, sorry.

That's cool.

I have to piss.

Tommy Pope with six.

In third place, we have Brian Redbam with 10 points now.

And tied for first place with 12 points each, the Story Warriors, Big J.

Okerson, and Louis J.

Gomez.

I'm coming for the gold, bitch.

Oh, boy, I am nervous.

You do not know how bad I want this book.

You know, the Texas Department of Tourism and Scruffy Souvenirs, conveniently located across the street, and Food Mart

come together to showcase the kind of meals served at family gatherings, small-town diners, and backyard cookouts across the state of Texas with a focus on simple techniques and bold, familiar flavors.

This book is a tribute to everyday cooking that defines Texas.

Very exciting.

Mike?

Mike?

Story number seven.

Story number seven.

When I was a kid, I would find receipts in the supermarket parking lot, and then I would go to the store and return unpurchased items on the receipt for money.

That's just brilliant.

That's just something we should all do now.

I actually, I know this, I thought this scam when I watched it was one of those Hookers the Points or something they were showing.

Oh, no, it was just like like a junkies documentary on HBO.

And everybody, that was the move.

They'd go and find, like, you know, laundry detergent and shit

receipts and then return them to the store.

And I was like, these toothless fucks are brilliant.

That was a really smart move.

I wish I had the balls to go do it.

I got to go piss, but I said red band.

I'll be right back.

All right.

You just voted and got out of here?

Okay, Kurt.

Sure.

I'll be right back.

We'll vamp.

It's smart.

I actually have never heard of this.

Did you vote already, Birdman?

Oh, no, no.

I have never heard of this scam before, and I've thought I've heard a lot of them, and it's so basic and simple.

They have to, like, you can't only do it a couple times, I bet.

I mean, is this Kurt's story, and then he doesn't want to show his game face?

Very, very possible.

That's actually a good

idea.

I don't know if Kurt's is fucking brazen either.

He was like a weird.

Is that yours?

Yeah, just kid.

It's real ginger, not fake.

I don't know how brazen this is, though.

No, you got to have the balls to go do it.

This might be funny.

I watch a lot of intervention.

Okay.

This is the truth.

This is like my favorite show.

Intervention.

As soon as I get home tonight, I'm going to fire up four to five hours of intervention.

Sure.

Did you ever see the season when they were

when

they were in Alaska or in Canada and they go on the actual tribal lands?

like they're doing like a.

Yeah, that is the funniest because the interventionist has to go, okay, everyone's just here because they love you and they want to read letters.

And they'll go, Uncle Running Wolf, you first.

And he'll be like, Your addiction has affected me in the following ways: The moon no longer cries when I sleep.

So I think it could be Tommy.

It seems like it would be Tommy, honestly.

I didn't finish what I was saying.

You were a young Flim Flam man in Philly.

Tommy,

I've learned.

I know enough about every addiction and fucking speed,

meth heads, crackheads.

The boys and girls that are, they're willing to get their fucking boots on the ground

to get the next fucking hit.

They'll do whatever the fuck they need to do, right?

You heroin guys, slow.

I don't watch, as soon as I fire up intervention if it's speed I'm fucking locked

I'm locked in I'll throw popcorn on I'm fucking this is my shit if it's like sleepy beepy I'm fucking anorexic I'm taking you know fucking heroin you just fall asleep in a fucking Tommy what does this have to do with the game

the point is this kind of shit

uppers dude this reeks of Kurt crackheads They fuck, no, they'll go, they'll fucking, they'll rummage through the outs, the, the, the, the trash cans outside of a.

They rummage through the out,

like, literally the trash cans outside of, like, a Target or whatever the fuck it is.

You'll find a receipt for an item.

And these fucking meth heads will run to that aisle, grab that item, and claim this is my shit.

Yeah, that's what the thing is.

Yeah.

Did Kurt ask you to vamp?

My point is, I would never.

All right, Tommy, don't worry.

I'm back now.

I drain the main vein.

I'm good now.

What's a question?

Okay, what am I missing?

Tommy, did you vamp like I asked?

Stop being a pussy.

Do you want to

look or not?

Tommy just word by word resaid this sentence

for 10 minutes.

With a story.

I'm getting Tommy vibes on this one.

I was just telling you.

Tommy, is this you?

Huh?

It's definitely Tommy.

I mean, it was just passionate.

I'm putting my vote in.

Tommy Pope is my answer.

There's a lot of Tommy Pope red band crossover that gets very

tricky.

I've had one story.

I've had one story.

One story.

Except for this one.

What'd you do?

Big J.

I like that.

Oh, Jay came out of the world.

Little gloves, big world.

If I fall behind

because of this,

we deserve to lose.

Is this you?

Yeah.

Look at.

It's me, dude.

Just tell me straight.

Is this you?

I mean, you.

I'm in between two actors from tires.

Jay, this is a cookbook that's me, Jay.

I put an O in the Lewis.

Lois, did it?

Who'd you vote for, Brian?

Big Che, right here.

I don't think it was Big Che.

He's got those Ben Franklin glasses on.

He's looking.

Oh, that's right.

He's looking.

Oh, shit.

Now he's changing it to me.

Fucked.

That is comfortable.

Oh.

Wow!

Drama, baby.

He knows that's him.

He's just doing the drama.

Don't you do it.

Don't you fuck.

Don't you do it.

Don't you do it.

Why would you do that?

Can I call my mom?

Why would you do that?

Come on, Jay.

Mike, all of our answers are in.

You're fucked.

I've got news for you.

You're fucked.

You're all fucked.

How you got there?

You're all right.

That story

belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

I'm back.

I'm fucking back.

I'm back.

Put the scores on my back.

Jay Haddon.

Jay Haddon written down.

Yes.

I need to go with my heart more.

Give me extra points for pushing.

Oh, this was a classic classic scam.

I didn't have to piss so bad, I would have got it.

Classic scam.

I mean,

I would do this probably two or three times a week at the local shop, right?

You always want, we would watch,

what was it, Supermarket Sweep.

They would tell you which items to get because they're like the high value.

So you try to find, you'd find pampers, like, oh, those are worth some fucking money.

Meat, meats were always worth a lot of money.

He would go in, get 20, 30 bucks.

It was pretty fucking sick.

What'd you say?

Wow.

Security.

Remove this man violently.

It was way too obvious.

You played me like an old-timey cigarette machine.

You gave me the old red man skidoo.

Jay's really bummed out.

I love it.

Here's the good news.

Available just footsteps away at Scruffy Souvenirs and Food Mart.

This cookbook offers a straightforward collection of classic traditional Texas recipes.

From nachos to tortilla soup to corn pudding,

these dishes are rooted in local tradition and designed for everyday cooks.

It's a practical introduction to the flavors that define real

Texas home cooking.

Wow.

You know,

Jay, when you told me you were going to buy Elizabeth Warren glasses, I wasn't for it at first.

But they're paying off big.

Mike, where are our points at?

On the scoreboard in last place with five points, Kurt.

Oh, I know.

You stink.

Come on out.

Tied for third place, Brian Redband and Tommy Pope.

With how many points?

With 10 points.

Try to miss Alex.

Never done this before, man.

12 points in second place, big Jay Okerson.

And in first place with 18 points, Louis Jay Gomez.

Oh, shit.

I love how bummed Jay is right now.

He really thought he was going to get two victories tonight.

It's like the old scorpion in the frog story.

I think you guys should get half points, by the way, in the future.

The Scorpiki.

No way, dude.

We get double points.

Oh my god.

Thank you.

Thank you, Roots.

That roll.

You can do that whenever you want.

Yeah.

Doesn't that feel good?

It feels great.

Oh, Tommy, you didn't know this.

If you win, if you become a winner of Story Awards, you become a Story Warrior and get privileges to do that.

You could ignite that.

I'm going to fucking win tonight, Jay.

And my mom's going to fucking answer.

Let's go!

Next question.

Okay, I predict that Dommy Pope wins.

His mom doesn't answer, and he goes, it's okay, mom.

It's okay.

We'll get him next time.

It's okay.

We have one more story.

Mike, story number eight.

That's it?

I got one more.

No, you can win still.

I can't win.

You can still win.

You can.

I can't win.

You can.

There's only one left.

Yeah.

You got to lose 10.

Well,

tie you get tie, and then we have overtime.

Story number eight.

All right, Mike.

Nice attitude.

Juice awake.

Ju, Ju, Ju, Ju, Ju, Ju, Ju, Ju, Ju, Ju.

Yeah!

Power, dude!

That felt so fucking good.

Mike.

Reminds me of a guy.

I had a guy use a credit card scam to pay a crazy high cell phone bill I had.

He guaranteed it would work.

It caused me financial and legal trouble for years.

That's a great story.

Yeah, I feel like this could be a Kurt Messica story.

It could be, but it ain't.

I had one story.

One story.

Huh?

Only one story.

The whole thing.

I know.

That's why it's probably Tommy Pope.

weird thing.

Tommy could be overplaying it right now.

This could be him.

It's a strange announcement.

Oh,

I think I know who it is.

I said it in four stories.

Who'd you say, Brian?

Tommy.

I never said he's like my mom talking about cell phones right now.

Okay.

He tricked me.

Okay.

It was at the Olive Garden.

He came out of the parking lot.

Either I just had three claws or Jay told me this story a long time ago.

I told you.

I like that.

That's interesting.

I like that.

Yeah, I'm not solid on it at all.

But I have a feeling.

And I say, go for it.

Let's see.

If everybody votes,

Tommy can't win.

If

Kurt votes for Jay and it's Jay, Jay can't win.

Play.

I wouldn't know if this was.

Because this sounds like a doing black rooms back in the day kind of story that Jay would have told me from.

You were in the same black rooms.

I know.

JJ seems frazzled because Kurt said that right now.

This is reading frazzled?

You seem frazzled.

What do you even mean?

I'm just playing the fucking game.

Drinking three claws at a show has never steered me wrong once.

Tommy, who is the one who's a little bit more

who is your cell phone provider, Ross?

Did you get Ryan Reynolds' cell phone?

That's actually good.

Singular.

I came here to have like one story.

And the one story was like, I basically signed off on it.

Yeah.

Do you want to ask your mom and call her and see if she

no, I just want to hang out with my friends.

I just want to have a good time with my friends, man.

Yeah, there.

Pig.

Fucking pig.

I'm going.

Oh, you know, actually, go ahead.

All right, hold on.

That's my second guess.

Big Jay is my answer.

I feel like Kurt had this insight.

I could be totally wrong.

You know, I had three claws, so.

I already lost, so.

Louie?

Yes, sir.

Louie's getting it.

You think it's me?

You know why I think it's Jay?

Because a long time ago, when I had a credit card, I remember there was all these sneaker stadium charges, and I think it was Buck Wild

at fucking Laugh House that did it, but I can't prove it.

But I think that's what it was.

And I feel like I bet this is Jay.

All right, all of our answers are in.

G-Mike,

this story

belongs to Big Jay Odyssey.

Thank you, Kurt.

I know a lot of the old dirt on Jay.

I remember you told me.

I'm just trying to mask it under the idea that I have a feeling this is Jay.

This is Jay told me the story years ago.

It is completely Jay.

I forgot it until I saw it.

I just remember miserable.

You had all these hilarious trips.

Remember when, remember when.

Well, wait, I'll tell you this story first.

Okay.

Kurt was correct.

Buck the fuck wild.

That was his name.

Italian.

I go, yeah.

Black Circuit Community.

See his name is Aziz Ahmad something.

Something like that.

He ended up spending a lot of time in jail at one point.

but he uh he ran over a federal agent him and a corrupt

him and a corrupt judge were making counterfeit money and they shot him in the hand or something and the fed jumped on his car and I guess supposedly Buck shot him through the hand

well that guy said to me I was complaining I was like fuck I guess I was using my cell phone not nights and weekends and uh and he was like he just said so casually he goes I can handle that he goes what the fuck you come meet me in North Philly at this terrifying McDonald's

in the parking lot.

Come on.

Who the fuck put that there?

Kurt, you're going to have to get more used to hat life, my man.

I'm not, dude, I'm not a real cowboy.

This is how I find out.

It was just storytime hat, that's all.

Oh, shit.

Gad, he met you even at McDonald's.

So to meet him at McDonald's, and I went there and I stood there and he goes,

all right, give me your cell phone.

It was like Nokia phone.

He goes, give me a cell phone.

And then with my cell phone, he calls whatever, like, you know, it was ATT right away.

He calls them up and he goes, hey, I'm sitting here.

I got my, I got a kid with his grandma.

His grandma's going to pay a cell phone bill.

And then they were like, you know, and he just reads off numbers that he has written down on a piece of paper.

And then he hangs up and he goes,

and you give him $100 and he'd solve this problem for you.

And I gave him the $100.

And then

two months later, they find out it's a scam.

And then I have a bill for like $3,000

that affected my credit.

Because he fucks your life up.

Yeah, it affected my credit until I was 35.

I was like 19.

I had the same problem.

Yeah, he was like, I'm susca.

He goes, no problem.

And then they find out.

It's like, almost like, well, they call me with like, you're lucky you're not having to go to jail.

They're like, that we're just going to make sure you're paying that money that you owe still.

Did they take everything out of your bank account at one point?

Well, I don't know if you heard about my family.

We're afraid of banks.

We are terrified of banks.

I just take it on your parents.

In a time that I was friends with Kurt, I had a thing where I was like, yo, my family's crazy not having banks.

You got to have a bank.

And then I went and deposited money in the bank.

And it was like $400.

And I tried to take some out with an ATM card.

And the ATM card said, like, it's not releasing the money or something like that.

And then I went to the bank, back to the bank, and withdrew with a slip my entire $400 and never went back to a bank until I was 37.

Wow.

I was not till 32.

Yeah.

Yeah, my girlfriends would always have, like,

I would sign off my check.

I would, yeah, sign off my check and she would deposit it.

That's pre-9/11.

She had a lot of it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it was embarrassing when I would use credit cards when I was going to hotels when I was younger.

I go, they go, are you Carla Okerson?

Like, no, no, no.

That's the Latina with better credit that I married.

Yeah.

By the way, you could just argue with the hotel.

If you show up and be like, I don't have a credit card for incidentals, they'll let you eventually go in.

And Buck the Fuck Wild, Puerto Rican, if you're out there listening, Buck the Fuck Wild, you never made right with me on that.

Well,

remember with Kev, what he would do with Kev?

Where he pulled a badge out.

We pulled a what?

Him and Kevin Horton a car, because Kevin always go on these shows with him.

And he gets pulled over by a cop and Buck pulls out a badge.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

No, I know it was Buck Wilde, Michael Blackson.

That's a different one.

But this one, Buck pulls a badge out, and the cop goes, you're on the job.

He goes, I'm a court clerk.

He goes, all right, slow down.

The guy was.

Yeah.

Kevin Hart got pulled over.

It was Tu Ray, Michael Blackson, the African king of comedy.

Yeah.

And

they all got pulled over.

And before they got in the car to go do a show in New York, they said,

Are you

they were like Michael Blackson in particular.

He was like, Buck, Buck Wild, this car's not fucking stolen.

Like, paper's funny on it, right?

And he's like, nah, man, we're all good.

They got pulled over on the side of the road, on the side of New Jersey Turnpike.

Of course, it was stolen.

They have everybody face down, they have everybody face down the ground.

Kevin Hart, everybody, they're all face down.

And Michael Blackson starts panicking and screaming to the cops, I'm the African king of comedy, and starts trying to pull this dash sheiki out of his bag.

And they're like, calm down.

And they pulled the gun.

Excuse me, officer.

I am very scared.

I am African king of comedy.

Yeah.

Mike, this is the end of the game.

Give us our final point count.

The final scores.

In the last place with nine points, Kurt Metzger.

Wow.

I feel like that last question was a friendship victory.

Yeah, it was.

Shouldn't have pissed.

In third place with 10 points each.

Tommy Pope and Brian Redband.

We did it.

And your winner today with fucking Kurt just shouldn't have said.

Jay told me that.

Fuck.

Louis Jay Gomez.

Oh, my God.

I literally took food out of Jay's mouth.

Delicious Austin Fair.

Thank you very much.

I'm very excited to do this.

Oh, Louis J.

Gomez, your winner of tonight's Story War.

Who would have thought?

Oh, I don't like it, but god damn it, I respect it.

How about it one more time for Lewis?

Everybody winning tonight's game.

How about it for our entire panel of great comedians?

Kurt Metzger,

Tommy Pope,

the great Ryan Redband.

His name's Brian.

Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us in Story Wars.

I'm Big Jay Okerson.

I'm Louis J.

Gomez.

We'll catch you guys next time.

Until then, peace.