050. Jeff Ross, Bonnie McFarlane & KP Burke | Fun

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go to storywars merch.com and grab your merch today what's going on story warriors if you love story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience come out to the new york comedy club every wednesday night at 745 p.m to be a part of the show don't be a piece of shit just get your tickets and come it's fun face newyorkcomedy club.com Hey, before we start today's Story Wars, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors, and that, of course, is Yo Kratom.

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okinson and Louis J.

Domino.

What is up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars.

Make some noise for me, will you, New York City?

All right.

It is

another sold-out show here at the New York Comedy Club.

Our new partners, lapping up for our partners, the New York Comedy Club.

Great club.

Sold out every show.

We've sold out every show.

Yeah.

It's our new home right here at the New York Comedy Club.

We always ask this to our sold-out crowds, how many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

Just a couple of jerk-offs in the crowd.

Well, jerk-offs, don't worry.

We're going to explain it.

We do have an amazing game.

We will explain it for you after we introduce our amazing panel we have of contestants today.

Do you want to go first?

Yeah, sure.

Our first competitor on today's panel, making his Story Wars debut from the American Loser Podcast, right here on the Gas Digital Network.

Clap it up for KP Burke.

KP looks like a dad who's about to tell us to turn our music down.

Correct.

I just want my kids back.

You don't know what it's like to have to work in the morning.

Our second contestant, you know, her from Women Aren't Funny.

Her book, You're Better Than Me, and she is one of the most hilarious comedians working in the world, makes some noise for the hilarious Bonnie McFarlane.

Bonnie McFarlane, Bonnie McFarlane, Bonnie McFarland, Bonnie McFarland, Bonnie McFarland, Bonnie McFarland, Bonnie McFarland, Bonnie McFarland,

Bonnie.

Hey, Bonnie, welcome back, Bonnie.

I feel good.

I feel this is a different location than I'm used to.

It still feels like you guys are the same.

We're still here.

Yeah.

Well, our final competitor coming back,

once again, another person who's been on Story Wars before, making his New York Story Wars debut.

You guys know him as the Roastmaster General himself.

Brand new show on Broadway starting August 5th.

Clap it up for Jeff Ross.

Jeff, I see you have your story support dog.

In case I get emotional, yes, Bonnie.

I was going to say you love young bitches.

That's right.

This is my, this is Nipsey.

Yeah.

She's very.

Is it a good rapper, Nipsey Hustle?

Yeah, Nipsey Hustle and Nipsey Russell.

Oh, okay.

It's a double.

Plus, she nips a lot, as Bonnie just found out in the back.

She's a nipper.

I didn't need that, little pinky.

Dog already bit you, huh?

This is her fourth day in New York City.

She's a country dog, turned city dog.

So why not bring her to a live show where she's going to lose her fucking mind?

Just tear off this girl's fucking nose in front of the entire crowd.

I thought I would break her in and get her used to the skank crowd.

Hell yeah.

I thought you were going to say Puerto Ricans.

Don't worry.

Same thing.

Most of this front row's had to have a tetanus shot in the last year.

If you are unfamiliar with the Game Story Awards, it's your first time listening at home.

I will explain the game to you right now

all five of us on this panel including Lewis and I have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject tonight's subject Lewis fun fun

could be anything anything yes stuff

the subject is stuff

our lovely producer Alex is going to read those stories off in random eight of them one at a time.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool the people that it's not your story.

If it is not your story, it is your job to guess whose story it is.

And for every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points.

For every person on the panel that you fool, you get one point.

Once you write the name of your vote on the dry erase board, put it in the slot right here and remove your hand.

That is your final answer.

You can't change it.

And here's the thing, I'll tell you right now, for those people who haven't been here before, this is a lot of fun.

You guys are going to have a great time.

I'm going to tell you right now, you're going to really love it.

But we're not up here playing.

They've already bought their ticket.

No, no, no.

And there's nothing funnier than watching you two like dyslexic special needs kids explain the rules to a game.

They don't understand their household.

You're still laughing.

That's joy.

Wow.

Wow.

They don't take the game seriously.

This is the kind of attitude I expect from people who don't enjoy watching.

What do we win?

We're not playing for fun.

We're going to tell you what we're playing for, Bonnie.

Jay, let them know.

Act like this doesn't matter to you.

It matters.

Every week here on Story Awards, we're playing for a book from the Story Awards Library.

Tonight's winner goes home with The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain.

It's huge.

You guys only do books with the N-word, is that correct?

Yeah, okay.

That's this month's theme.

Tom Sawyer lives on the edge of responsibility, constantly chasing freedom, mischief, and the thrill of the unknown.

But when a nightmare adventure leads him and Huck Finn to witness a murder, everything changes.

This carefully adapted version retains the heart and n-words of Twain's story while streamlining the journey at a fifth grade reading level.

But Lewis, you can, if you have trouble with some of the words,

let me know.

I'm a couple years away from it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it seems like everyone's ready.

Are we supposed to guess whose story that is?

Nope.

It was Mark Twain's.

Oh, okay.

We can all start with two points.

My Uncle Joe has a similar story.

I don't know.

He's from

The Adventures of Joe Ross.

I think this crowd's ready.

You guys ready for war?

Are you guys ready for war?

And Alex.

Thank you, Roots.

And Alex.

My dog just Zeke Heiled.

But you said, are you ready for war?

It's finally learning.

Alex,

story number one.

Story number one.

My significant other and I used to drive around and give people the finger and then laugh hysterically at their reaction.

That sounds fun.

It does sound fun, actually.

I'm hung up on this significant other, which

this person is gay, so it is obviously you.

I think this is Bonnie.

I didn't until she started talking first, and then I thought it might be her.

And this does seem like something that, like,

bond with Rich Voss over.

He gives his little stubby Jewish finger, and then he laughs.

He'd be so scared if somebody could have been.

No, not while he's in the comforts of his car.

It's a very Jersey thing to do.

It is.

I feel like.

Where are you from?

This is

the great state of New Jersey.

Wow.

Awesome.

Well, then he gets it.

Jeff, that holds up.

Well,

it does feel like something all three of us could have put in.

Definitely.

Well, it could be me and Lois also.

But they don't know the word significant, which I understand.

Alex would change that if we just gave the name of our girl.

Yes.

Is the dog playing or no?

I'm confused.

That's Jeff's significant other.

All right,

I like that.

Dogs don't have fingers, so it's not Jeff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's only one ex-cop-looking guy on this show, pal, and it's me right here, all right?

And ex-military, yes, sir.

Army.

I'm Navy.

That's weird.

I have so much in common with your dog.

That's awesome.

Both bomb sniffing.

But also, you wouldn't be afraid of somebody if you did it to them.

That is true.

Right.

This feels like subterfuge.

Right.

You came out, I assure, of the military with massive trauma.

Wait, the Navy?

Yeah.

A knowledge of musicals.

And that would

you still feel that military bump, you know?

That excitement, that drive for conflict.

KP, you're not married, but you have a long-time girlfriend.

Unfortunately, yes.

Yeah.

Oh, big check.

You can't kill them if you cut off her fingers and take out her teeth.

We're looking at stuff.

I have stepkids.

I kind of like them.

Well, you can keep them.

And, Jeff, if you never get caught.

Also true.

Thank you, Jay.

I don't see this being Big Jay.

Big Jay is not like

a pranky type of guy.

Well, we used to, Lewis,

together, we used to love driving up to Canada and just doing a show your tits sign.

Yeah, we would do that.

Just hold it up to everybody and see how everyone reacted.

And no matter how gross the woman was, I'd just smack it against the window.

Listen, we learned quickly.

We started it for sure to see tits.

But by the first half hour of the first time we ever did it, we realized that's

borderline never happening.

Tits were never happening, but you could get a woman to be violently angry

and chase you on the highway.

No, but it was a good social thing because we would judge if somebody was cool if you did it and the girl was kind of like, fuck you, laughing about it.

You're like, cool chick.

But if they would be like, I'd like almost swerve and kill their own family, we'd be like, damn, what a cunt.

Now show up, frigid bitch.

Why is this bitch so up tight?

So Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie.

I was going to say this feels like a run-up to that.

You guys are like

giving people the finger and then you're...

We weren't looking for a fight.

We were looking for tits.

Yeah, that's what you guys, that's how slow your brains work.

You did it for two years on this, and then you're like, what?

We're not getting anything out of it.

Yeah, we might as well look at the tits because it's weird, everybody.

All right, I'm ready to guess.

Mark Twain.

Okay.

All right.

It's in play, I think.

Am I right?

No one's ever done that, but I think technically that is in play.

I'm really just on guard for when this guy in the front has to go to the bathroom.

My dog thinks he's attacking me.

He had a machete.

I don't know who it is.

Yeah, it's you.

I would know then.

Yeah, yeah.

You wouldn't know.

I think this is Bonnie.

This sounds like a Bonnie and Rich.

Put it killing time.

This is what made them fall in love.

I don't know.

Bonnie cried when she was.

She was saying that.

When she sent this in, when Bonnie sent this in, she started crying because she was like, ah, I remember when we used to just drive on the highway and give the finger to people and we'd laugh all night.

He put a ring on that finger.

I'm going to put my vote in for KP.

Wait, can I weigh in for a second?

Please, please.

Oh, no.

Well, no, I mean,

KP, first of all, like,

you're a stepdad.

You're a Navy veteran.

Like, you seem like such a nice guy that this would be the craziest thing you ever did in your life.

So I could see this being a origin story of your comedy life with your significant other.

I respect it.

I respect it.

And Bonnie, I do think this is probably Bonnie's story because she jumped on it so quick.

But I don't think it was with her current husband.

I think this is like a high school, college kind of boyfriend thing.

High school teeth?

That's what I think.

I was gay before I met Rich.

He turned me.

That's how.

Okay, girlfriend then.

Girlfriend.

She's just blatantly lying.

Girlfriend.

I'm trying to show you what a lie sounds like.

I think KP is being quiet.

I think that KB is a very funny dude.

I think his girlfriend's Jersey Trash as well.

This is something that Jersey Trash would bond over, driving down the highway.

Right there, KP Berg is my vote.

Bonnie locked in.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number one belongs to

Bonnie McFarland.

How do you guys always know?

Because it's not about tits.

I'm only going to put stuff about tits in now.

You fooled a few people.

Oh, damn it.

You got some points there, Bonnie.

So what happened?

Was this you and Rich?

Yes, of course.

But we had rules.

Like, it had to be like a straight, normal, you know, whatever that is, looking white.

Yes.

Somebody who couldn't say like, oh, they're racist or something.

Like, we wanted people just to be like confused, you know?

Did anyone ever get mad at you?

People were, it was hilarious.

People would be like,

like, what did I do?

We'd be like, you know what, you did.

I like that you didn't have to say you go, Rich would be terrified to get into a thing with a person.

You didn't say you wouldn't get involved in that.

Rich is too much of a pussy to give a finger.

We'd speed off.

We were cool.

Nice.

God, what a couple of rebels.

Alex, after one story, where are our our points at?

All right.

On the board with one point, Bonnie McFarland.

And tied for the lead with two points each.

Big Jay Ogerson, KP Burke, and Jeff Ross.

Alex.

You didn't say Lewis's.

Oh, I'm sorry.

With zero points.

That's all right.

First story.

Luis J.

Gomez.

First story.

First story.

First story.

Means nothing.

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All right, where were we?

Alex,

story number two.

Story number two.

A week before my 15th birthday, I came home from school to one of my parents yelling at me to clean my room.

I went to my room and found a brand new moped with a red ribbon around it.

My parent was cracking up saying, happy birthday.

I'm sick of driving you around.

You're on your own now.

What a fun parent.

This has to be Jeff's wacky, hilarious Jewish parents.

Your wealthy, hilarious Jewish parents.

Also, like, they had to go back to their 15th birthday for something fun.

Sad.

I think that's sad.

Jewish parents usually would not let a Jewish kid

a moped.

That is true.

So

being a Navy guy or a martial arts guy feels more like a daredevil kind of personality.

My mom had no money to buy me gifts.

Or a license.

Wait, can I say Jeff also grew up in the city?

I wish if my mom was going to feed me a moped.

Oh my God.

I would love her.

You grew up in the city, Jeff, right?

New Jersey, actually.

Oh, really?

Newark, New Jersey.

Wow, so they could...

White kid on a moped in Newark.

I don't think so.

I was going to say, like, who's the most traumatized here?

Because that's who this is.

I'm thinking of who lived in a place where their parents drove them around.

If you grew up like in the city, your parents don't even drive you around much.

You kind of walked around but if you were in jersey your mom could have drove you around this is kp you grew up in jersey you said right

yes sir were your parents hilarious and rich

not quite not quite yeah but a moped a moped is like you know lower middle class can afford to buy their kid a moped my mom honestly was close to driving a moped herself for

to get to actual work we should we drove a chevette

Yeah, so she wasn't even me.

If she got me a moped, she'd be like, and now you have to take me to work every

Jay was a fat kid.

They can't put a fatkin on a moped.

She fucking can, dude.

No, you can't, dude.

If it was either one of you guys, we'd already know about it.

You know,

if I ever had a moped as a kid, I would, I'd still be driving that moped today.

I'd be sick.

Yeah.

Damn, I wish I had a fucking moped.

Now I think you both did it.

Now I think it's what there's.

KP, did you have a moped when you were a kid?

Maybe you could do it.

You could answer that one.

It's going to give away the story.

Well, you lie.

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

Gonna lie.

No.

Do they still make mopeds?

Have they been replaced by something?

Yes.

I hit a guy off of one the other day with my car door.

Yeah, I felt pretty bad.

I didn't stop to fucking.

And then did you go, oh, I remember when I had a moped.

My mom was so sick of driving me around.

Yeah, I think KP just showed his ass.

I don't think he's kidding.

I think he actually just fucked up.

This is a KP Burke story.

I'm not going to tell you that.

You go, KP, did your mom drive you around?

Come on, man.

What's the interrogation about?

That story belongs to Jeff Ross.

Suck your feet.

Jesus.

They got me with the Jewish parents wouldn't let their fucking kids.

Come on, man.

You know what?

My dad did not care if I lived or died.

It was all part of it.

I rode that fucking thing in the snow on Route 22 to the catering hall.

My mom had died, so my dad was driving my sister and I around all the time, and he just couldn't do it anymore.

So he's like, here, independence.

Wow.

Wow.

That was awesome.

God damn.

What year was that, Jeff?

That would have been the

brought a tear to my eye.

That would have been like.

I would rather a moped than a mom, to be honest.

The moped was pretty fun, and more guys humped my mom than the mopeds.

But yeah.

I've been in a reflective state.

I've been writing a show that's going to be on Broadway, August and September.

You're all invited.

Yeah, hell yeah.

So I went back and I I found all this stuff and I completely forgot this story 100%.

But my dad was a character and I found a letter just a few weeks ago that he wrote me when I graduated high school.

And one of the things that was a fun memory that he put in the letter was this moped story that I had forgotten completely about.

So

yeah.

Well, there's one good dad on the panel.

Oh, no.

Two years later, he died of a cocaine overdose.

So the show's a lot of fun.

So

it's like he knew I would need fucking independence or I would have to learn.

Yeah, we wanted to call the show originally drudging up old shit.

But Bonnie's right, I did have to go back a long time for a fun story that didn't involve, you know, Dave Chappelle or John Stamos.

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't want to give it away.

It would have given it away.

So that was a fun one.

Thanks for reminding me of that.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

Not yet on the scoreboard.

You know, it's fine, Alex.

Just move on.

With still zero points.

Luis J.

Gomez.

With one point, Bonnie McFarland.

Tied for second place with two points each.

Big Jay Okerson and Katie Burke.

The deuces.

I'm coming for that book.

I want you.

Run away, Jim.

Run away, Jim, and me are going home together.

I'm saying run away.

That's more PC.

No, no, you're doing the right thing.

I don't know if that's a fifth grade reading level version, but we'll see.

Did I do this right by writing me on here?

It's illegal.

You can't remove yourself everything, but it doesn't matter.

If you voted last, it really didn't matter.

Yeah.

Don't make it a habit.

I'm supposed to pretend that it's someone else even when I vote.

Yeah.

If you vote early.

Yeah.

If you're the last poster.

I see.

Jay, just tell him he's not supposed to.

You're not supposed to do that, Jeff.

All right.

I just want to be a good guy.

Wow, dude, I'm cool.

I'm cool with it, but like Lewis is a fucking hard ass, I guess.

This guy's the commissioner, I guess, all of a sudden.

So now I guess don't do it.

There are rules, Jeff.

I guess don't do it ever again, or else Lewis.

I like being a

good guest.

And in the lead with six points.

Oh, sounds like a good guest.

Jeff Ross.

This is so fun.

Damn.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I once faked an Irish accent to secure sex with someone way out of my league.

It worked.

Hello.

Let's hear your Irish accent.

I want to hear everybody's Irish accent.

That's a great point.

We'll see who does the best Irish accent.

We can get laid.

Oh, Bonnie,

let me see your little lucky charms.

Oh, God.

It's working.

Let me see your pink flower.

I can't believe that it's you.

Oh.

And now it's uncomfortable.

Oh.

JP,

what's your Irish accent sound like?

It's a little, it sounds like somewhere between Katie Boyle and Column Turrell.

You know?

It's not really good.

How about the movie with Brad Pitt's snatch?

You just kind of talk.

It's not because you're confident.

You don't have to understand what you're saying.

Just going to dash out.

Oh, okay.

Oh, shit.

That was not a good accent.

That was not a good accent.

That was good, really good.

That was really.

If you just talked like that, I would be like, oh, this guy's from Irish.

I probably would have had a development deal by now.

Yeah.

And by that nose, I would think you fight a lot, which is very Irish.

The guy who brought the attack dog in here is making me nervous.

No, she's a good, she's a good donkey.

She's okay.

Lewis, you would, what?

Let me hear your Irish accent.

Here's the problem.

Hold on.

What are you hiding?

I'll do it.

What are you hiding?

I'll do it.

I'm saying, you know this isn't me.

I'm inconsistent with accent.

So one, my Irish might even be Scottish, and it's eventually going to turn into just fucking Babba-da-Boopy Italian.

And also, when I do,

I'm such a bad Impressionist and like hack with accents, the only thing I can say in Irish accents are like leprecha exclamations.

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, me pot of gold.

But I wouldn't fake that to get pussy.

What about zombie?

Oh, y'all want to come back to my house?

You do.

I had, this is true, though.

I had a girl fake a British accent once all night, and then I hooked up with her.

And as the sun was coming up, she was like, oh, I have a confession to make.

And I was like, oh, boy.

I'm a guy.

I'm not British.

I'm a guy.

That wasn't me.

I lied to you.

And I have AIDS.

I've heard you do Zombie, Jay.

It's pretty good.

It's pretty good.

You're underselling right now.

But I'm doing an impression of her singing it.

It's already sang like that.

I've heard it.

I don't have any consistency where I would think I can.

I'm also...

No, dude, I've never bullshitted a chick to get pussy because I'm like, she's going to find out.

And then be like, ew.

There is a clue in here.

It worked.

So that eliminates a lot of people.

I think this is Lewis.

You think it's me.

You think I was faking an Irish accent?

Yeah, dude.

You're a

point.

To the point where it worked.

Yep.

I don't do a good Irish accent.

That would be a brown-skinned Puerto Rican.

Be like, oh, I'm from Dublin.

I am.

You're not Saustine.

You're not fucking college grads, dude.

These are teen runaways, bro.

They don't know.

Oh, he's got culture.

you're like oh raw tt hey i think wait wait w we have to hear jeff's irish accent here's what's happening with this one the reason i asked jp because i i don't know

kp

we just meet they're right next to each other in the alphabet dude we couldn't let it ride one more time thank you i appreciate no i i appreciate it we only met when i came up here and

we met once at a funeral home no but we've been writing his name down like a hundred i didn't write it down i just wrote me and you so you met once at a a funeral home.

We met at Jeff Ross and I met at a funeral home.

Really?

You don't remember this, I guarantee you.

Are you the guy who killed his mom?

Correct.

Back for one more.

For one more.

You came to make sure you finished the job.

I said, how much more work do I have to do, Jay?

Are you the guy who let me in at two in the morning?

Very close.

Fuck that dead body.

Dangler funeral home.

Thank you.

Yo, for seven grand, this guy will do anything.

Dangler funeral home, West Orange?

Leonard Petruno?

You had to bring that up.

Oh, true story.

Yeah, my cousin.

Yep, yep, that was my uncle's brother.

You bumped him from speaking at his funeral.

Nice.

Wait.

I like that.

Your uncle's brother?

Leonard's brother was my uncle Paulie.

Uncle Paulie wanted to speak at the funeral, and they said, cousin Jeff is here.

He's going to talk instead.

And my uncle had to fold up his notes and walk away.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Oh, Jeff!

That's ridiculous!

What?

I got a better theory.

I like that.

I hope you roasted that guy.

He was folding up his thing.

He's like, I love it.

No, I got a better theory.

I think that maybe,

well, like 15 people spoke, so I think your uncle fucking chickened out.

Possible.

Don't worry.

He's dead.

So it's all good.

Oh, thank God.

No, but you're here to avenge his getting bumped, are you not?

He died of a broken heart.

Yeah, that's true.

The first official diagnosis.

He has to be buried with a speech.

But here's the thing.

But here's here's the thing with the story war.

That was a really good Irish activity.

I was good.

You're also very in tune with the Irish culture of the movie.

Bonnie is also Irish, I think.

Yeah, but women don't do stuff like that.

I can't trust them.

We get laid no matter what we're saying.

But I was going to say the way this is written.

feels like

it's very well written.

I was laughing at just the two-sentence stories.

I was like, oh, that could be Bonnie.

She's a great writer.

But then when this guy started breaking out the Irish,

I was like,

I think it might be me now.

You've convinced me.

You've convinced me.

You want to take credit for you?

KP, how long have you been with your check?

Three years.

Three years only?

Oh, this could be you.

It's not Louis.

I hate to say if it's not Lewis, it's KP.

But it's Lewis.

No, but it could be Jeff again.

Do you see what he's doing?

Yeah, but he's going to fucking run away with the whole thing.

First of all, I've never seen an Irish person out of my league.

So

it's not me.

Doesn't exist.

Facts.

Say no more, Jeff.

It's not you.

Well,

this doesn't mean that the other person was Irish.

Maybe they were just trying to have an accent to be interesting.

Right.

Bonnie McFarlane, folks, immigrant from Canada.

Conniving.

Oh, yellow.

Keep your mouth shut, eh?

Just married the first piece of shit she tripped over to stay in our fine country.

I came to America and married stupid wretch.

Hell yeah.

You're living that Schwarzenegger dream.

I'm going to be a Kennedy one day.

I'm going to be a Voss.

I voted three times for KP already.

I'm going to start the voting right now.

I got to choose KP on this.

It's got to be him at least one time.

I'm going with Lewis.

I think it might be Jay only because, what the fuck?

Like,

why do you keep on telling somebody that's it all?

No, it doesn't.

Because you're a lunatic who will do anything for pussy.

Oh, no.

Shamer.

We're wrong again.

Oh, no.

All answers are in.

Alex.

This is Big Jay.

I'm going to be pissed.

It's not.

Story number three belongs to

KP Burke.

Yes.

Oh.

Jay, that was a ridiculous guess.

You were

what?

KP,

tell us about this story.

Who was this?

So it was a Dominican girl, and she thought...

Wow.

She kind of thought that the way she speaks Spanish at home and then she can speak

in a more professional tone outside of the home.

She thought I could code switch as well because I told her I was Irish.

And then we got her back to the house and she goes, can you please talk Irish for me?

And I felt

Irish.

Literally, her request.

Literally, her request.

And I didn't want to do it, but she was Dominican and terrifying.

She had a pretty solid body on her.

So, wait, you weren't fooling her.

She said, I know you don't talk like that.

Fake it.

She told me to fake it.

Fake character.

She took her shirt off.

I wasn't going to do it.

She took her shirt off, and then I went,

Oh, rot,

Nipsey.

Okay.

She got the full Irish experience.

I looked up while I was fucking her, her and she was petting my dog.

Wow.

Wow.

Not a lot to work with down there, Jay.

That's crazy, though.

She broke into other activities.

I've never opened my eyes from fucking and seen a girl doing a different activity.

She's like, what are you doing?

She goes, no, I just realized I didn't turn off my ring camera.

I got a FedEx.

She was from Patterson.

They were wild.

Christ Almighty.

Well, by the way, can I just say that this

is really fun?

Like, the theme's fun, but the show's fun.

Because you're winning.

I guess if you're winning.

I don't feel competitive with you.

I don't feel competitive.

No, but if you had one point, you might.

Oh, I tell you what, you are feeling competitive because everybody wants to go home with the book.

Yes.

In a town full of rules he refuses to follow.

Tom Sawyer is always looking for a way out of school, work, or trouble he usually started.

But after a graveyard encounter turns deadly, Tom must decide whether to speak out.

Knowing the truth can put him at risk.

This edition presents Tom's adventure in an abridged format that preserves the story's weight while making it more accessible to early readers.

Let's go home with the winner.

Our scores?

This guy's hilarious looking.

He looks like Indian Sam Murrell.

Look at his face.

If that guy didn't go to a good barber, every hair on his body would connect.

He'd be like one of those Mexican wolf boys.

I bet he knows how to trapeze.

Bet me $30 he knows how to trapeze.

He's not laughing, he's just staring and eating

because he's always focused because he has to follow the family business of walking between buildings on a rope.

Don't you understand?

You're looking at a lifelong Middle Eastern daredevil.

Your eyebrows are in permanent scowl position.

I'm sorry, your eyebrow.

This guy is the fucking Anthony Davis of Umbakistan.

You just burp.

Is he lighting his shoe up?

I don't know.

Alex, our scores?

All right, on the scoreboard, tied with the lowest scored, two points each, Luis J.

Gomez and Big J.

Ogerson.

And tied for second place with three points each, KP Burke and Bonnie McFarland.

In the lead with eight points.

Wow.

Jeff Ross.

It's okay.

When me and Lewis are behind like this, we do that Taledega Knights thing where you fucking one of us whips the other one around, dude.

We're going to nail this.

Oh, shake and bake.

Shake and bake.

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All right, where were we?

Alex,

she can be

story number four.

Story number four.

When I was a child, the most fun thing in the world to me was spinning in a chair while holding a toy steering wheel.

It stayed the most fun thing until I was far too old.

It does sound really fun.

Yeah?

How fun?

Sounds like the most fun thing in the world.

Like you would do it until you're way too old.

Maybe.

Spinning in a chair while holding a toy steering wheel.

This sounds like retarded girl shit.

Oh.

You can't believe you have your...

Someone's letting you drive.

It's the most fun thing in the world.

No one's judging my driving.

But it also sounds like little fat guy shit, too.

Don't call it.

You don't know if Jeff was fat when he was little.

I was fat enough for this.

Oh.

Oh, you met me.

Yeah.

You piece of shit.

If this was Jeff, it would be sad because then he doesn't even get a car.

He gets a moped.

It's true.

I'll tell you this.

I thought this was supposed to be fun.

I'll tell you this.

I'm stoned enough to realize that, like, this does sound because

also,

Lewis will tell you, as a fat kid always, I love being weightless.

So flipping in a pool is one of my favorite things in the world.

And this sounds reminiscent to me of pool flipping.

Like, you're getting to do something that the little guys do on just swings and fun shit.

Whereas I'm a fat, so I need like office furniture.

Yeah, you can't like,

you can't sit in one of those like radio flyer wagons.

The wheels just fucking bang.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

My friend pulling me, he's got fucking rocky three veins in his arms.

He's fucking vascular.

Yeah, I mean.

This could very well be me.

I'll say it.

I like having fun.

I'm fucking, as a a fat person, my whole life.

I do a Zoom podcast with Jay every week, and he lies on his tummy and he kicks his feet behind his head.

And by the way,

when Lewis starts talking and I zone out because it's nonsense,

I just start crossing my feet and see if I can make my totis come out from behind my head.

He has like, yeah, childlike wonder.

This is a very big Jay type of story.

I know, poor Lewis, he put out an amazing fucking coffee brand, Body Brain Coffee, quick plug.

But I don't like coffee because that's for adults.

So I'm sure it's great, but I don't know.

I'll ask my mom how it is.

I can see this being Jay, but also maybe it could be Bonnie.

Bonnie.

Yeah, I can see this happening with Bonnie.

Oh, I was joking.

I was just making the fucking girl driving joke, but maybe.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Bonnie was like little, I imagine like a tomboy trying to do things that little boys were doing.

We're all on the spectrum, okay?

Also, Lewis, though.

Funny, did you do like little girl things?

Did you play with like dolls and like playhouse, or did you do like little boy things?

Yeah, no, I did all of it.

I was all over the map.

Yeah.

I wouldn't have done something stupid like this.

Oh, Lewis grew up in a

ridiculous childhood where you had to make your own fun for sure.

I did have to make my own fun.

Your mom was what I think professionals call a problematic.

Yeah, but would he have had a spinning chair that seems

too much of

your family may have been too much of pieces of complete shit to have a spinning chair?

Yeah.

Could have been a bit of a chance.

No, you're not.

Buddy, you could have spinning chairs out the ass, but you come from pieces of shit who can never have spinning chairs, and that's why I don't know if that's a good thing.

A spinning chair is...

That made me think.

Now I'm back to fucking rich ass fucking Jeff Ross with his spinning ass chairs.

Yeah, he's got a moped.

He's got a spinning.

And the funniest thing is

spinning ass chairs.

You're fucking 360 chairs, asshole.

I like that you guys think I was rich.

That makes me feel like I did well in my life.

Can I tell you something?

Of the Jews on the thing, you're the most Jewish.

I'll take it.

Oh, I already, I mean, so.

Who do you think this is, Jeff?

Does he want KP, do you everybody go?

I'll go.

I know.

No, I mean, I know who it is.

You know who it is.

I don't like to go till last because then I'm fucking it all.

Oh, because it's you again?

It's him.

Come on, dude.

Is that what you're doing right now?

What?

It's not me.

I can't tell if you're trying to brilliantly steal the round from everybody by

controlling every one of you and voting for someone else.

It's not even the stories.

It's you guys, the tells, you know, I know the tells.

All right, I'll just write it down and then I'll show you.

I'm so curious.

First of all.

The fucking spinning chair was his moped, right?

Like, that's how bad Lewis's childhood was.

Yeah, Yeah, okay.

First of all, like, it's so.

That was my first.

He's staring at me.

He's staring at me like

kind of a little boy crying through that, through, through, like, this one hits home.

I feel like Jeff is trying to sell it too hard now.

Jeff is trying to sell it.

Ooh, is he?

But I think

it's a little bit more like that.

I think Big J is playing the game right now.

Yeah.

And I think this could easily be Big J.

Vote for me, but is it definitely not you before I say Jeff?

It's definitely not me.

Come on, dude.

That's what I mean.

I should have just been quiet.

I would have been the only one to get it right.

But look at me.

Look at me.

If it's not you, I'm going to say Jeff.

And by the way, here's another way I know it's not you.

Because when you said it back as a joke early on,

you quoted it as...

until I was way too old.

So you didn't write it because it says far too old.

Far too old.

So you didn't actually write it, so you had to tell in there that I picked.

I played poker.

I live.

I'm A-OK with this.

This is how I'm playing this game.

I'm okay with this.

It moves you nowhere.

This is a.

Can we put it in the thing?

Put it in the thing.

But can you

answer my question?

Big J is doing a nice little fucking acting thing right now.

Here it is.

That's my vote.

You're an idiot.

You sold it hard.

It's Lewis for sure.

Yeah.

I don't.

Maybe, Jeff.

Oh, if it's Jeff, I'm going to be pissed.

I'm going to be pissed if it's Jeff.

Everybody thought he's doing.

Story number four belongs to

Big Jay Okerson.

Yes, I knew it.

I fucking knew it.

I did all right, though.

I did all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, Big Jay Okerson came to play the game.

That was impressive.

That was impressive.

That was good acting.

When I was a kid, I'd leave school.

My mom worked at a daycare center across the street from my school.

And I would go there, and

I just had to kill time till my mom was done work.

And I would go upstairs, and they just had an office chair, like a big, cushy, black office chair, and a stupid little, I mean, like a baby's steering wheel thing.

And I would, for three hours in a clip,

just fucking spin myself on this thing and hold the steering wheel and I would get dizzy and it made me so happy and I'll tell you why all this is

my whole life

my whole life

I've always been in a weight that has been

just on the edge of maybe you can or cannot ride this ride

So I've always waited in the line and several times, sometimes in front of a lady I've had to have the people come over and say I'm sorry you can't control yourself enough to be able to fit on a machine

a machine that's built on fucking steel and metal and

high-level tech robotics can't support what you've done with pizza and McDonald's

So you gotta find your small victories.

And mine was spinning in a fucking office chair all day.

I'm like, whoa, I'm on a roller coaster.

No one's judging me.

Alex, the scores?

That was a big round.

I'll never make fun of a fat kid again.

Yeah, you will.

Yeah, you will, you monster.

All right, tied for fourth place with three points each.

KP Burke and Bonnie McFarlane.

Oh, humiliating.

In third place with four points, Louis J.

Gomez.

In second place with five points, Big Jay Ogerson.

I wish I knew that Polish fucking Russian dance that stupid MMA girl does right there

and in the lead with eight points Jeff Ross

What a game we are halfway through at this point We're gonna go around the table and just do some plugs real quick

Oh good you trained to the kill blacks

good Good.

No, that's good.

That was a test.

Everything's fine.

Josh, that's your dad's fault, probably.

Josh, that's probably because of your dad, whatever his name is.

You don't know him.

Josh, to be fair, you do look like a chew toy.

Josh, do you not be built and have hair like a bone?

Josh, you're the first person.

Human dog bone?

Lunge at a German Shepherd like that.

You're you're very brave.

Yeah, dude.

That's Jews taking back fucking German Shepherds.

Yeah.

Fuck you, Hitler.

Now Jews train us to kill blacks.

So, Jeff, what are you plugging, my friend?

You have your show starting on August 5th on Broadway.

Previews, August 5th.

Take a banana for the ride on Broadway at the world-famous Niederlander Theater.

I hope you come out.

Can I come in?

Yes.

Can I come to a premium?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Can I look cool and bring my daughter backstage and show you?

Oh, of course.

Yeah, of course.

All right.

You're all invited except KP.

Yeah.

No, I'm kidding.

Fucking lying.

KP T.

Fucking Irish voice piece of shit.

It's going to be fun.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

There's air conditioning.

There's cheap seats in the balcony.

And there'll probably be some skanks.

First time Broadway?

First time doing anything like that.

Fuck you, dude.

That's awesome.

That's amazing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bonnie.

Bonnie, you on Broadway?

I'm going to be at his show.

Yeah.

That's where you can see me.

What do you want from me?

Plug.

Why are you staying at us?

We just want you to plug all your hilarious stuff.

You're great.

And we want you to stay where you're at your podcast.

I don't do my podcast anymore.

Rich and I stopped doing it.

We're trying to like.

Go back to giving the finger to strangers.

Yeah, we want to like go back to our roots where we like.

You got to go grassroots.

Film that.

yeah you stopped doing the podcast we stopped doing the podcast officially yeah because it was people would always be like does it help your marriage and it no it really didn't it was just like you just had to think of all week like something that really bothered you and then can i

i had to think of something that really bothered you did you guys only talk about bad stuff on air well it i mean rich just loved to list places that he'd been that week you know and he'd be like oh i went to home depot

Okay.

You know what I mean?

So then you had to be like, listen, everybody.

Then I had to start a fight to get some, because he only reacts,

he only has energy to defend himself.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Sure.

So it got, yeah, it was unhealthy.

Well.

Good plugs, Bon.

Yeah.

KP.

So they can catch you at BonnieMcFarland.com.

Great.

KP.

Right on.

American Loser, the latest show added on Gas Digital Network.

Thank you guys very much.

Happy to be here.

And

my Instagram is at KPBerkSucks.

We got some cool reels going on.

And I have one request, if I can.

I'm sorry.

If I can have one request.

Can my dead uncle do,

can he open for you for that show?

Only if he does it in an Irish accent.

Nice.

Yo.

Can I tell you something?

Jeff, I hope you don't do that so I can be the first comic ever to some point do

have my feature act be 25 minutes of respectful silence.

25 straight minutes.

The host comes back out like, okay, give it up for fucking Uncle Charles, y'all.

Big J.

Oh, shit.

Bigjaycomedy.com for all my days.

Big Jay Oakerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

Wait, are we done?

We're not done yet.

No, no, no.

We're halfway more straightforward.

I love it.

So,

of course, listen to me and Robert Kelly, the great Robert Kelly on Faction Talk Series XM103, The Bonfire, five days a week.

And of course,

the flagship show right here at guestdigital.com, the legendary fucking Legion of Skanks.

Make sure you check it out.

Oh.

And both.

Both parts of my double crowd work special, Them They, available right now on YouTube for free.

Fucking check it out.

Just go comment and don't be a fuck.

Lewis?

I'm filming my next special July 12th in Tampa.

Those, thank you.

It's gonna be so.

I saw the set.

It's gonna be great.

Saw the set.

It's gonna be great.

The actual special taping that has sold that, but we do have tickets available for Thursday and Friday before at Side Splitter.

So come check that out.

I'm going to Timonium, Maryland, Kansas City, Missouri, a bunch of other places.

Lewisofskanks.com.

Check me out on tour.

Check out all the other podcasts that I do, like the Regs and Story Wars, obviously.

Send them for my mailing list.

And I'm writing a book right now called Knives and Spoons.

You could pre-order it right now on Amazon.com.

And yeah, that would be great.

It comes out.

It's a Middle-earth novel, fiction, right?

And also, if you love this show, we do an uncensored ad-free version of the show that comes out every Monday night on GastDigital.com.

You don't have to wait till Thursdays to get it on YouTube or anywhere else.

Go to gasdigital.com.

There's an on-demand library with a bunch of episodes that are not available anywhere else.

Use the promo code WAR when you check out and you save a couple bucks a month.

And you have your own fucking coffee, dude.

You have a coffee brand.

I can't do the coffee during the plugs, Jay.

I got it.

Oh.

Thanks.

Can you?

I thought I was being a great friend there.

No, it's all good.

Lewis has coffee.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I feel like the audience could use some right about now.

You fucking lackadaisy pieces of shit.

Well, it's not their fault.

You're the thing, KPP.

Arguing over what to plug.

I mean,

that's fair.

KP, Bonnie, you guys are probably feeling pretty low about yourselves.

Like, you're pieces of shit who couldn't be able to do it.

I lose every time here.

I never do well.

You probably feel like fucking buffoons.

Like, why did I even show up?

This is stupid.

The game's dumb.

I don't like it.

Yes.

And I'm not good at it because I'm losing so much in fucking just four stories.

Yeah.

But here's the good news.

You might not be aware of this.

Bonnie, you might not remember.

KP, you're brand new.

Jeff, but you do.

I just remembered.

I got a shot.

Double points?

Is that what she just remembered?

Did Jeff win before?

No.

Well, what?

You piece of shit.

What the fuck was that?

That was crazy.

G-Mike.

G-Mike.

G Mike.

Get up on the stage.

Let me smack your butt.

The double points.

G Mike, stand here.

Let me smack your bottom for that.

There should be some sort of a punishment.

There has to be a punishment for what you just did.

You just played a non-winner

DP

drop.

Huh?

You can say it.

You just fucking played a false double points drop.

CJ, you have to be a Story Wars winner in order to trigger double points.

I mean, anything could happen now.

I got cocky last round, and I got, my face got told.

Yeah, you're feeling good.

You're feeling good.

Mike, come up here and accept your spanking, please.

What's wrong?

Is your father-in-law watching?

Get up here.

You need to get a spanking, Sherry.

You played DP for the Raw for not a winner.

Tell him to make a sudden move around the dog, Jay.

Mike, come over here and act like you want to hit the dog.

You're going to take the spanking.

Why are your employees not taking their spanking?

I don't understand what's happening.

Michael,

yes.

I thought it was like a silly thing you were saying.

So get up here and accept your spanking.

You do not.

You do not play the music for someone who is not a story warrior.

No, listen.

Everyone included Lewis will agree I'm firm but fair.

This is how the Diddy freak off started.

You know that, right?

No, shit, dude.

I want to see.

Did you see that thing jiggle when I hit it?

What is good to know is that is this still anybody's game?

Because for the second half of the game, we go, of course, double points.

Thank you, Roots.

We'll be back right after these messages.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

My friends and I once covered our teacher's mailbox in chewed bubblegum for fun.

Man.

Oh, my God.

I mean,

that's such a chick Canadian prank.

It's not me.

It's KP.

I'm going back to Lewis.

This is you.

He did not have money for chewing gum.

This wasn't high-lev shit.

This was like stuff you get like, this is like dried-out stuff you have to wet with your spit to get it to chew.

Parasites in it?

Nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, this just, this wouldn't have been a prank that me and my friends would.

Sure would.

No, we would throw eggs at a car, or we would like knock on the door.

I'm not stupid idiots who would have to peep through our windows.

You guys are dumb fucking bubblegum morons.

Oh, is it you, Big J?

Are you doing it again?

Look at me.

Tell me you never chewed chewing gum and then put it on a mailbox.

Never once.

For fun.

Who put that at the end?

This doesn't seem fun or funny.

What?

This doesn't seem fun or funny.

Yeah, well, that's why they had had to write for fun.

Right.

We would cover their mailbox.

First of all, I never knew where a teacher lived once in my life, ever.

Well, yeah, at first I thought it was like, you know, I don't know.

I can't remember.

I can't.

Remember, Bonnie on Legion of Sancts years ago told like a story about her hanging out with her teacher inappropriately at a strip club.

At a strip club.

That wasn't like that I read over.

You were physically and emotionally molested by a teacher.

I always forget that about you because you seem so together.

At the time, now now in adult eyes looking back,

it was bad.

But at the time, I really, I thought it was cool.

I thought I was like,

this guy knows funny.

I hate to pull us away from Lewis, but this is probably Bonnie.

Oh, shit.

I just feel like...

You were like, he started seeing somebody else, and you were like, let's go cover his fucking mailbox with bubblegum.

Bubble gum.

Oh, I guess now he's, I'm a fucking sophomore, and he's back on fucking freshman.

Let's keep that.

You guys don't think it's hilarious that Bonnie was molested?

Fucking gross.

That's rude.

Wow, dude.

It's because there's too many dudes in here.

Jeff,

were you the type of person to do pranks when you were younger?

We did something similar, my friends and I.

My friend Hamo, his dad was just, yeah.

Hamo.

Yeah.

Oh my god.

He never got teased.

He never

was he fat?

He was fat.

It was short for Hamowitz, and his dad thought everybody

was anti-Semitic.

So we would drive around and steal Christmas ornaments off people's lawns and put like 30 Santas and reindeer on Hamowitz's front yard.

Suck over that piece of money.

So, you know, I guess that's a little more of a prank than what this is.

But if you're little, and this doesn't have to be a mailbox for mail.

This could be a little mailbox in the classroom.

This could be...

You seem like you know a lot about this mailbox.

Mailbox.

Yeah, there's not a lot to go on here.

It's the for fun that's driving me nuts.

Like somebody wrote that out and was like, I don't know if they understand why we did it.

Can I tell you this?

I don't want to throw anybody any direction, but I will say the three dots is very me.

I'm a big three dot guy.

Oh,

what is that called?

Ellipsis.

Ellipses.

Oh, I didn't even know that, but I'm a big three dot guy.

I never heard what you just said at all ever.

And I'd like to now use it and get mad at other people people and they don't know what that means.

I'll be like, you never heard of that before, you stupid ass.

But I'm a big three dots guy.

I found out if I'm trying to text like I talk, I talk a lot in three dots.

Chewed bubble gum.

For fun.

Oh, we covered her mailbox in chewing gum.

For fun.

I'm leaning.

I'm leaning Bonnie.

I think she's too stuck on it.

Of course you are because it's you, you.

I would never write for fun.

I would never write it.

For fun is sticking in her ass too much, I believe her.

This is Lewis, Jay Gomez, and his stupid fucking goth friends.

Jay, this is

not what I would do with my friends.

Uh-huh.

No, you guys were way cooler than me.

We were thieves.

We weren't putting chewers in.

Oh, you guys were the badasses in the neighborhood.

My vote is for Bonnie.

Well, it's Lewis, though.

Yeah,

Bonnie.

This does sound Canadian.

Chewed bubblegum.

Ah, fuck, now I'm worried it's Bonnie.

Fuck.

It might be Bonnie.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

This story belongs to

Louis J.

Gomez.

We did it for fun, not for evidence.

We're trying to get a

fingerprint off of it.

We were leaving the movie theater and they were giving away whatever their bubble gum was.

It was like samples, like individually wrapped sticks.

You couldn't afford gum.

You had free giveaway gum.

No, no, it was like promotional.

What was it?

It was like zebra-themed gum.

It had like stripes on it.

Oh, fruit stripe.

It was fruit stripe gum, yes.

and we took hundreds of fruit stripes

and then we just chewed them like we just fucking just put so many pieces in our mouths we know how gum works thank you

that was true he was giving you a fucking he was giving you a walkthrough of gum

and then yeah when you chew it it gets hydrated and becomes chewy

you see we showed up at one of my teachers houses and just took the entire wads like six of us had huge wads of gum and just wrapped her entire mailbox in it and then left it.

And did she ever say anything?

Was there any other action?

There was no payoff

at all.

She's like, I'm just going to get the gum off.

The gum is still there to this day.

It still stays with Lewis.

He wakes up.

Alex, where are our points at?

Tied for fourth place with three points each.

KP Burke and Bonnie McFarland.

Two dumb Irish motherfuckers.

In third place with eight points, Jeff Ross.

In second place with nine points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Let's fucking go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Don't worry.

KP Bonnie, you guys are terrible, but just know that anything's possible with double points.

Also, he's going to win the book and he can't even read.

Stop that.

Stop that shit right now.

The fifth grade version, Bonnie.

I got this.

I know I got it.

Where are we at?

Story number six?

Oh, yeah.

Story number six.

While I was in high school, my college-aged co-worker took me to a Pearl Jam concert,

got me drunk, and did wild things to me sexually.

I mean, Bonnie.

This is when Bonnie got fucked by Professor fucking

James Dean.

This person later went into the adult film industry.

Oh, that was my math teacher, Mandingo.

I mean, if this isn't Bonnie,

what is this Braggadocia story?

Anyway, she went on to beat Jenna Jameson after she sucked me dry.

Men do go into the adult film industry as well.

No, they end up in it.

Women go into it.

But wait a minute, is this all I'm reading this in a weird way.

Pearl Jam sucks enough to want to blow people for money.

Well, I was in high school, my college-age coworker took me to Pearl James.

Could this be girl-on-girl sex?

If you wanted to, Lois,

but do it on your own time.

Can you explain it?

Can you tell me how that might be slow?

Got me drunk and did wild things in me sexual.

I mean, if this is a dude, this dude sucks.

Why?

Just fucking telling a jerk-off story.

Oh, man, I got molested by a hot 32-year-old when I was 19.

And dot, dot, dot, fun.

Yeah.

Anyway, you might know her as Riley Reed.

Fuck right off.

Pearl Jam has to be playing during someone's high school era.

Yeah.

Correct?

Yeah.

How old are you, KP?

37.

I think I'm the youngest guy here.

37.

Okay, so this is Bonnie, 100%.

Getting fingered at a Pearl Jam concert.

My son just got fingered at a Pearl Jam concert.

I know, but that was by you.

You're trying.

No?

What do you want to learn out there in the world with scary people?

I'm sorry.

No, he just saw a Pearl Jam at a Jazz Fest.

So this is any age can go see a Pearl Jam concert.

Or get molested at one.

This is Bonnie.

Bonnie got molested

by a co-worker, the owner of the fucking company she worked for.

Speak your truth.

First of all, that's

not me.

Sure.

All right.

Say no more.

Sold.

Ah, fuck, it's Lewis.

He's holding off.

He's waiting for everybody else to vote.

So we have to go.

I've literally said KP every time.

No, you couldn't see Pearl.

I've said Pearl.

You never saw Pearl Jam because during Pearl Jam, you were staring at a guy's bush while you were sucking his cock.

No, that's what you think happened.

You never saw, you heard Pearl Jam, but you were looking at some fucking teacher's beaver.

A co-worker, I'm sorry, college-age co-worker.

You were raped.

You're a victim.

It's not your fault.

I'm going, Bonnie.

It just seems almost too obvious, but I'm going to jerk off to the story later pretending it's Bonnie.

Either way, if it's KP, I'm jerking off to it.

Remember, Rich made me straight.

Oh, right.

Fuck.

All right.

Ah, shit.

Alex, everybody's in.

Story number six belongs to

KP Bird.

Dude,

no

fucking way, dude.

KP,

you got fucked by Mandingo.

Sure did, buddy.

Dude,

come on, you're lying.

He bought me beer, man.

All right.

I understand then.

This one was weird, man.

It was my senior year of high school, and a girl I worked with at a pizza place was in college.

She used to buy us beers, and she was a bit of a hoe.

And she told me.

Pretty.

She was very pretty.

And she told me I'm the only guy that ever looked at her like she was a person and not a thing.

You're Nicole, what do you are?

Oh,

here's Nicole when you are a person.

You're a lovely little girl.

You're a lovely.

You're a lovely girl.

Oh, I love you.

Look at you being a person.

She's such a person.

I've never met the better person in my life.

You're just a hole for cocks to fucking dump their loads in.

I think you're worth more.

You're a four-leaf clover in my eyes.

Sure, to the rest of the world, you're a gaping hole to dump their seed in.

She's a little bit of a daughter.

Come on, Bobby to better make it that.

It always becomes Italian.

Hey, hey, buddy, Bobby to move.

She disappeared.

I went into boot camp, and when I got out of boot camp, they give you your phone back.

My buddy Greg calls me up.

He goes, hey, man, we found her.

She was disappearing for a while.

And I said, oh, cool.

Is there like arrangements being made?

Is there a funeral?

And he goes, can you get to interracialgloryholes.com right now?

And there she was, drywall and all, just doing it.

Yeah, if you want to do Glory Hole, though, you're going to want to do the dick that'll fit through the hole the most.

It's just common sense.

It's interracial, for sure.

KP loves sex stories and funeral stories.

If you can overlap them, that's a fucking across-the-room blast.

100%.

I like how vulnerable you're being in these stories.

I'm trying to bleed.

I'm trying to bleed here, guys.

You are.

You are.

It took more than just a wheel to entertain me as a kid, Jay.

My mother was taking care of children downstairs while I was spinning in a chair like a retarded kid.

It seems like retarded behavior, but I loved it.

And I would be so bummed with someone go, come on, it's time to go.

And I go, ooh, I had so many more spins.

Alex, after six stories, where are our points at?

All right, in last place with seven points, Bonnie McFarland.

I thought I won that one.

I didn't get any points.

No one's pulled ahead crazy.

In for

place with eight points.

Jeff Ross.

It's all right there.

Close game.

Tied for second place with nine points each.

Big J Okerson and KP Burke.

I'm coming for Hulk.

I'm coming for Hulk Hogan.

I mean, Huck Finn.

Yeah, that same guy.

Same thing.

And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

This

might be the tightest game we've ever had at this point.

Absolutely.

Where everybody's still this involved?

How many more stories?

Two more.

Two more.

Anybody's game?

Absolutely.

Alex, story.

Number seven numbers

story number seven

in college i was trying new creative outlets i got to act out a character from the rocky horror picture show i want you guys to know that lewis is and this is i'm sorry to say this on pride month but lewis is a theater faggot to the

to the umpteen power this guy can't wait to put on fishnets and prance around in front of other guys who like music this This is Lewis

so hard.

He was trying new creative outlets.

Do you think that sounds like Lewis?

Yeah, gay sex.

No.

Lewis likes to throw a lot of words in front of gay sex to make it sound like not gay sex.

So by the time I was in college, I was already...

I went to college for a year.

Just long enough to try gay stuff.

Yeah.

Sorry.

And yeah, I mean, at that point, I wasn't doing like theater stuff, but you can say this.

I was a big Rocky Harrow Picture Show fan.

I would dance and sing the songs with my sister.

Lewis, also, we found earlier on Legion of Skinks, was raped by his sister.

Molested.

KP, KP, where'd you go to college?

The United States Navy.

Also, big

heart, yeah.

Rocky Harris, too.

Oh, midnight showing everything on the poop deck.

I mean, Jeff, where'd you go to college and when did you go to college?

Boston University, just a couple years ago.

Nice.

Okay, Rocky Horror Picture Show has been around.

Rocky Horror Picture Show, it's been around for a long time, but it was really big in what, the 80s doing that?

Like showing up at the theater and dressing up as the characters.

Hey, can me and Lewis have popcorn?

I've never wanted popcorn more, but they're,

god damn, they're loving loving it.

I had to ask for the popcorn, but an empty cup leaping over a German Shepherd?

Sure.

Thanks, ma'am.

Listen, really hooked me up.

If you feel like somebody should pay, you can have the dog bite Serafina's fucking arm off when she walks back here.

This

reeks of Lewis to me.

I don't know, but saying the word creative outlet seems like way out of your smart dome.

Jeff.

It's definitely Jeff.

Oh, you're writing me?

No, I can't see.

Oh, Bonnie.

Ooh, me.

Oh, man.

Did they have Rocky Horror in Campbell?

This is not even a single thing.

Of course they do.

This is just brand new last year.

To someone.

Jay.

I think it's Lewis.

Jay, you're giving up the opportunity.

Okay.

Keep talking that shit.

I think Jeff does a lot of weird shit.

I do now.

He loves treading the boards.

Fuck.

I think think it's Jeff.

Yeah.

It's Jeff.

He's going to write me again this piece of shit.

This guy doesn't play by the rules.

And you told him the rules.

I told him the rule.

And I was like, hey, I don't care about the rules.

Take away his points.

What are they popping the corn?

No, sorry, I came all over the thing.

I was just pinning it up.

It's okay.

That's okay.

Alex, make it official.

That story belongs to Jeff Ross.

What?

Oh, you said I'm not going to say that.

Do I lose points by saying me?

Ooh, this is a point right here.

So which character did you act at, Jeff?

Oh, well, this was freshman year at Boston University.

I already loved Rocky Harve just from high school because he could go in my town and watch the movie and it was fun and throw popcorn and stuff.

But then in college, someone said, do you want to be Frankenfooter?

So I put on the Frankenfooter makeup and the stockings and I got to act it out.

And I remember walking back through Kenmore Square at like two in the morning with my roommate from Brooklyn who didn't know me that well yet.

And like, but he was kind of into it.

He thought I was cool and I was trying something wacky and different.

And

some guy walking, some Boston town, he walking through Kenmore Squares, like, you you know, basically calling me fucking disparaging names.

And,

oh, what are you doing, Rocky Harris?

And my Brooklyn roommate goes,

hey, fuck you, or I'll Rocky Harrow your face.

And that's when we became best friends to this day.

Sweet trap.

More stories like that when you go see Jeff perform.

Banana Takes a Ride.

JeffRossBroadway.com.

Alex Murray points out.

Where's his popcorn?

On the scoreboard, tied for fourth place with nine points each.

Big J Okerson and KP Burke.

Nine points.

Worth the game.

In third place with 11 points, Bonnie McFarland.

It's the best I've ever done.

In second place with 12 points, Jeff Ross.

And in the lead with 14 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

I'm excited about Tom Sawyer.

You should should be.

Tom Sawyer is a clever, rebellious boy who often finds himself in trouble, but always finds a way out through charm or cunning.

His bond with Huck Finn, an outcast with a free spirit, leads them into a series of thrilling escapades, including witnessing a murder.

What?

And getting lost.

Escapades?

And getting lost in a cave.

Their adventure, you feel like the witnessing of murder would be paramount.

Yeah, it's like, and a cave.

Yeah, because they witnessed a murder and then they saw a cave.

Their adventures reflect a deeper journey of growing up and finding one's moral compass.

Fifth grade reading level, there's a Tom Sawyer.

I think it's about.

Are you looking for the N-word?

You're a scanner.

Whoa.

Any everybody's still in this game by far.

Let's go.

Story

number

eight.

Story number eight.

I got banned from a comedy club because I got caught having sex in the green room.

Look, we all have have this story.

Louis hasn't been banned from a club.

Me and Lewis have sex in the green room together.

Don't ask.

Don't ask.

Well, you've probably been banned from a lot of clubs, Lewis.

Yeah, just for my act, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bonnie, you're a green room slut, no?

You're a backstage, Bonnie.

If I wasn't eating popcorn, I'd come back at you.

I'm too busy right now.

I'm surprised this one doesn't end with for fun.

Wait, whose was that?

That was yours.

I'm a Jersey comic, so we just don't have green rooms at those clubs.

It's just me in a VFW hall waiting for my name to get called.

Jay, fucked up Jersey.

Have you been banned from a comedy club?

I got my dick sucked at the Stress Factory.

I think that's it.

I feel like

this might be Jeff, but we just had Jeff.

So now I don't know if they will kill you.

It could be two in a row, easily.

Absolutely.

You've done some shady shit in comedy clubs.

Absolutely.

Guys, for the love of God, stop chewing into the microphones.

Every one of you.

It's insane.

I don't know who it is.

Louis is such hot, salty popcorn.

We have one story left.

Wait 30 seconds to shovel popcorn in your face.

I can't.

It's so good.

I want to, dude.

I want to, but I can't.

It's really good popcorn.

Oh, my God.

I think this is quietly KP Burke.

I'm ready to vote.

Really?

I don't feel like I know.

I can see this being Bonnie, too.

Bonnie is a fucking- No, band?

You fucking, you fucking yuck yucks.

That's what she says when she sucks it off.

yuck yucks.

We're going to suck it off a mountain of yuck yucks.

I mean, I can see it being Jeff.

Jeff's been doing comedy for 70 years.

Back when green rooms were green.

But I can see this being a Bonnie McFarlane story.

Bonnie, Big Jay, you've got a wild side.

Yes, it could be me, but it's not me.

But I mean.

You should say that.

No.

This could be Lewis.

But I don't think he's banned from any club.

I don't think he's banned from any club.

Who, rich?

You.

Rich, richest banned from Richmond.

Richest banned from banging.

Just for being racist.

No, I've never been banned from a club.

I've had a couple weekends canceled for being me, but not because of

having sex.

If this was Jeff, this would be a story that people...

It's like, why would Jeff be banned from a club?

I've fucked plenty of people in comedy club green rooms.

I've never been banned for it.

That's really.

I feel like they would have just used this as an excuse to ban Lewis.

Oh, yeah.

So, I've already wrote Lewis down.

Oh, guys, no.

No, somebody's got it.

Guys, no, guys.

Somebody's cleaning up.

No.

Jay.

I mean,

you know me, dude.

If I've been banned from a comedy club, you would know better than anybody else in the world.

I don't know those bullshit ass plays you play.

You literally.

I do feel like I would know.

You would know it.

I would know it about it.

Let me fucking drink some popcorn.

On a hot day, I love a big glass of popcorn.

I'm going to go with

Original Instinct.

Alan Bonnie.

Bonnie.

Bonnie Mac.

It could be some kind of a weird, like the fucking the ice pick, ha ha's ice pick up in fucking Saskatchewan, Canada.

She's from a place where she could have done a lot of fucking in comedy clubs and got beat up.

If this is Lewis you're a deplorable piece of shit

Got mad

This might be I think this is Bonnie fuck Lewis if you talk me out of you I'm gonna slug you in the chops

Don't get mad at me.

You deserve it.

You're a liar.

If it's me and you change it for me, you're giving up your victory.

But it's not me, dude.

So you're gonna, if you if you vote me and it's Bonnie, I think she might end up winning.

No, I freak out.

What do I do?

Put me, because I don't want you winning.

What do I do?

Miss.

You look like a local dental hygienist.

I'm not asking you to Dominican in an American flag shirt.

You're just trying not to get catapulted over a wall, miss.

You have called the cops on several young black women trying to sell lemonade outside of your apartment building.

What?

Who do you think this is, please?

Lewis?

Jay, Jay, listen to me.

This woman is fucking retarded.

She's retarded.

Look at her face.

It's fucking retarded, you're right.

How did I not even know?

Why did I ask a retard that question?

Lewis, tell me who's not retarded here.

I would say

this guy right here.

He's at the bottom.

You don't mean that at all.

He has the answer.

No, this guy's he's already killed.

He'll kill again.

Sir, who do you think it is?

I think it's Bonnie.

Who means nothing to me?

Miss, you have tit tattoos.

You make aggressive young decisions.

It's Louis, because if anybody doesn't guess him, he wins, and that's why he's acting so hard.

Miss, miss.

You are,

you are a dumb bitch.

Hold dare.

She's my views.

Oh, somebody lost.

Somebody lost.

Oh, boy.

I mean, I probably still lost because all of you idiots gave somebody else all the points.

It might be Jay.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Either way, he's in ecstasy with his popcorn right now.

I know he had hot hot popcorn here.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Let them know who it isn't.

The final story belongs to

Bonnie McFarlane.

You idiots!

You stupid fools.

I've been drinking popcorn all night.

You know I'm not fucking thinking clear.

Was this in Canada?

No, it was in New Jersey.

I can't remember the name of the club.

Rascals.

Rascals.

Yes.

It was with KP.

It was with KP.

But it was my story.

You got banned from Rascals for banging?

West Orange?

West Orange?

Yes, we were trying.

When we first met, we tried to have sex in every comedy club that we could.

Did you get the cellar in?

The cellar has the room.

Yeah.

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Seller's old hat.

But yeah.

But Rich didn't get banned.

Because he went and apologized.

He like, oh, yeah, yeah.

So sorry.

I'm sorry.

He's just being a guy.

You were being a sex with Bonnie.

She said,

You were being a slutty pig, and he was just being a guy.

Yeah, he couldn't help it.

You understand that now, I assume.

I think I could have got back in if I'd apologized, but I was like, fuck you.

And then it did go under pretty quickly after that.

You've apologized for fucking Rich yourself in a mirror several times.

Alex, we.

You could just picture you and Rich fucking with the MC just watching.

I didn't want that part to come out, but thank you.

That's fair.

He's the one who's Norton you asked.

This could be

a wild shake-up.

So, Alex, after our final score.

Wait, who caught you?

Like, what happened?

Oh, just the manager came in, and then we...

You saw Vols as nuts?

Oh, shit.

Sorry.

My bad.

I usually get harder than that.

Bang, bang, bang.

And he pointed to his never again tattoo.

He just closed the door, and then Rich.

She means nothing to me.

That's so true.

He's like, I'll take the door deal, whatever you want.

I'll do a guarantee.

Alex, what are our final points at?

All right, our final scores in fourth place, tied with nine points each.

Big Jay Okerson and KP Burke.

It's all about showing up, bringing the laughs.

in third place with 12 points, Jeff Ross.

Very respectable.

There's a one-point difference between second place and first place,

but your winner tonight with 18 points, Louis J.

Comez.

Bonnie right there.

Wow.

Holy shit.

I'll never get to say double points.

No, but it does rule to say double points.

Holy shit, Lewis, you are taking home the adventures of Tom Sawyer for a fifth grader.

You're going to do so good with this.

You're going to pass this pop quiz with ease.

I know it.

What an amazing show.

How about a big round of applause for all of our contestants here tonight on Story Wars?

KP Burke, Bonnie McFarland, Jeff Ross, August 5th,

Preview Start.

Take a banana for the ride.

Coming on Broman.

I'm going to be there, Jeff.

Let me in.

Thank you, bud.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

I'm going to make a real scene outside.

Thank you all so much for hanging out here on Story Wars.

We will catch you guys next time.

Until then, thank you so much.

Peace.