048. Kam Patterson, Vinny Guadagnino, & Mike Feeney | Danger

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7.45 p.m.

to be a part of the show.

Don't be a piece of shit.

Just get your tickets and come.

It's It's fun, fuckface.

New York Comedy Club.com.

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J J Okerson and Lewis Jay Covin

What's up?

That's good energy, everybody.

Welcome to Story Wars at our new home, the New York Comedy Club.

Make some noise in here, please.

Or don't.

All right, don't make noise.

Fucking wow.

The music was a little loud.

Make some noise in here, New York City, please.

Come on, baby.

Welcome to Sarah Penny.

Another sold-out show here at the world-famous New York Comedy Club.

Who needs the mothership when we have the New York Comedy Club?

Well,

I don't know if this crowd knows, but you're dealing with two Rogansphere comedians.

I don't want to.

Your Story Warriors, Big J.

Okerson, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J.

Gomez in the motherfucking house.

We ask

every show.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

Pretty good.

And how many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars?

Whoa, okay.

A decent amount of people.

They came for Vinny from the Jersey Shore.

Can you believe that that guy doesn't know our shit?

If you'd say, who in here for sure knows our shit, it'll be that guy.

I thought that was you for the first five minutes I was here.

You know it's not my bandana month.

If you're not familiar with the show, we will explain it after we get our esteemed panel of guests up here.

And we have an amazing one tonight for you.

Came on a good one, everyone.

You know, our first contestant from his new podcast, co-host wanted an especial night at the comedy cellar.

How about it for the hilarious?

Mike Feeney, everybody.

Hi, everybody, everybody.

Mike Feeney, Mike Feeney, Mike Feeney,

Mike Feedy

Feels good to be back boys good to be back and our second panelist tonight you know him as being one of the regulars on kill Tony the hilarious Cam Patterson

Cam, you are a fucking genius.

Feel right at home, man.

Thank you for doing the show.

Our final contestant, last but not least, from his podcast, Something Went Wrong.

And, of course, you know him from the Jersey Shore on MTV.

It's the hilarious Vinny Guadanino, everybody.

Everybody.

Vinny Guadanino.

It's Vinny Guadanino.

It's Vinny Guada Nino.

Vinny Guadalino.

It's Vinny Guadanino.

Both Vinny and Mike Veeny have been guests on Story Wars before.

This is Cam's first time on the show.

So welcome back, boys, and welcome, Cam.

This could be quite the show today.

I'm excited.

It's going to be a great show.

If you're not familiar with the show, it's your first time listening at home.

Story Wars is a very simple game that sounds very difficult.

All five of of us on this panel have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis?

Danger.

Danger.

Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to pick eight of those stories at random and read them off one at a time.

They will appear on the screen.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody else that it's not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points.

For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

Once you put the name on your dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot and remove your hand.

That is your final answer.

You cannot change it.

Also, it should be noted that you could have two, three stories in a row because these are all randomly generated, the order.

So it really is anybody's story at any given time.

And Jay, listen.

I'll tell you right now, well, we always have a lot of fun doing this game.

Always.

Okay, Kim, you've never done it.

You're going to have so much fun tonight, I promise you, but you're not playing for fun.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for.

Every week, we're playing for a book directly from the Story Wars library.

This week, our winner will be taking home Lucid by Michael S.

Milano.

Devin Elson is a teenager with a troubled past and a powerful secret.

He can control his dreams.

But when those lucid dreams begin to blur into waking life, he starts losing his grip on reality.

As terrifying visions bleed through the seams of his consciousness, Devin must confront the traumas he's been hiding from and uncover the truth behind what's real, what's imagined, and what's been buried in his mind all along.

Thank you, Roots.

We always got the roots off camera.

I just want to say from, it's been a while since I've done this show, and you guys have gotten so much better at the tights explaining about the show.

I think it took roughly 40 minutes the first time I was on the show.

We didn't use the show as explanation for the first 20 months.

The first 20 episodes, it was me and Big J starting to cry and yell.

It was, I go, no, it's got to be your fucking story.

We really got that now.

It's an amazing game.

We have an amazing panel, and we're going to have an amazing night.

What do you think?

Are you guys ready for war?

I said, are you guys ready for war?

Let's fucking go.

Let's fucking go.

Oh, I'm ready ready to win this one today.

Without any further ado, Alex.

Story number one.

Story number one.

When I was younger, I would try to impress girls by having them sit behind me in my car.

While driving, I'd recline my seat onto their laps and look up at them as my friend in the passenger seat would steer.

This could be some dope-ass black shit none of us know.

They do tend to be reclined a little bit.

Yeah,

it's called something.

It's called like the skilo or something.

You ever ski-low a bitch?

This also could be Vinny.

Vinny's very confident.

The ladies like him.

He's impressing gals.

He looks up at them while one of his fucking lackeys steer the car.

I can see that happening.

Well, I'll tell you this.

When I was younger through now, there's not a lot of room behind me in a car.

So

I don't think it would impress a girl with how little leg room she had.

Oh, my God, my knees are right in your back.

This is very impressive.

It's like, oh, my God, you're fucking crushing my legs.

You piece of shit.

Lean forward.

I can't fucking breathe.

No, don't look at me.

Peene, what kind of car did you have when you were younger?

A Monte Carlo?

No, I had a coupe.

Okay.

Which is not a good car for reclining.

Because they're in the back with that little triangle window.

Yeah.

It's very claustrophobic.

That's true.

When I was younger, I just wasn't trying to impress girls.

Yeah.

Oh, I was.

Is that true?

I was gay.

You can't ski-lo a bitch in a fucking hatchet.

Oh, yeah.

I just can't drive good, so I couldn't have done this shit.

That doesn't have anything to do with that.

That is the definition of non-drunken sis.

I feel like you need some type of skill for this, though, man.

Maybe.

The friend in the past.

You believe in yourself, do some shit.

But if I know Cam, Cam loves some white bitches, and I'll tell you right now, nothing impresses a white bitch more than a dangerous black.

I'm telling you.

Oh, absolutely.

My dad always says two in 10 and keep your eyes on the road.

Fuck him.

I don't want to live his life.

Yeah,

Vinny's awful quiet.

He's quiet over here.

Vinny, what's going on?

Vinny just can't believe that we don't think this is impressive to girls.

What?

Yeah.

you guys don't know what skilo and a bitch does

i don't drive myself guys oh

but wait this is when i was younger this is when i was which is what it says and you really wasn't jay you wasn't driving yeah he wasn't driving at all it's him wait but jay like if you were bigger isn't your seat always in recline

you'd think no it was definitely as back this far as it could go

But I would always keep forward so my body was pressed close to the air conditioner.

Yeah, if you recline so much as...

That is true.

They want to overheat.

We let it hit the pits and shit on the long ride.

That's true.

Yeah, I mean, I'm getting Vinny and I'm getting Cam vibes here.

How come no one's pointed at Feeney?

I also wonder why I know why no one's pointed at Feeney.

Feeney's six foot nine.

He can't put his thing back in a car that much.

I don't think

I just, that wasn't me.

When I was younger, I wasn't trying to impress bitches like that.

I became a bitch whisperer later on in my life.

Well, it doesn't say you're getting girls.

it's just trying to impress them.

Yeah, you definitely scared them hoes away with his move though, dog.

They'll definitely run it.

I would pull out my dick a lot to impress girls.

I would do the same in the lunchroom.

I would go up and I would get my dick semi-erect and then I would go up to their tables with like in my...

This is a crime.

You're telling a crime.

No, I think there's a statute of limitations.

I don't know.

I think they changed these rules recently.

I don't know, dude.

I'd play it safe.

I think they changed them recently.

Dude, talk about your fucking wacky friend.

Always pose wiener.

Not you.

You were just leaning back in your car looking at chicks, laying down that skilo.

No, whatever.

I'm going to name it.

I'd go up to their lunch table with a semi-erectic in my pants, and then I would make it pulsate like in the pants.

I loved it.

There's just no way they did.

Well, that does make me believe that you didn't do this.

Yeah, hell no.

That's terrifying, by the way, man.

That's scary as shit, dog.

dog.

That would get you on a registry.

Yeah.

You'd have to announce when you moved.

I mean, look, we got to get some voting going here.

Vinny's being so quiet.

Vinny's so quiet.

I thought it was Cam until Vinny got very quiet.

I'm going to go with my instinct.

I still don't even understand this.

Quiet, Vinny.

But Cam might clean up right now.

It's very possible.

Ooh.

Ooh, he might clean up.

We're all going, Vinny, huh?

Ooh, four Vinnies.

If this is Cam.

Ooh.

What if it's Jay?

Oh, you piece of shit.

If it's you, I'll kill you.

Vinny says me.

I mean, I really hope that means it's Vinny.

Let's see.

Oh, boy.

Everybody's in.

Alex.

Story number one belongs to

Mike Feeney.

Welcome to the game, bitches.

I told you.

I told you.

No one looked at him.

I came to play.

Holy

shit.

Yeah, that was great.

I was not expecting that at all.

I'm excited now, dog.

That is, hey, look, I fuck with that.

That was good.

That was good.

He's like, I'm on your ass now, dude.

That was great.

That was phenomenal, man.

He had a car.

He said, I drove a coupe.

There's no way to do that.

Made no sense.

I just believed him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was in 1988, Buick.

And I got my there would be this hilly area in my neighborhood and I would recline and it would also it was like since it was in 88 there was no if you were in the passenger seat you could also control the pedals you could reach over there and I would legitimately just recline back while going up and downhill.

We'd be going like 40, 50 miles an hour in this in like a residential area with me just looking up in their laps and they're like

and while my buddy is just reaching over Siri and so many times we got like so close to like death, you know, complete like dying.

I mean it was there was one time we came over the hill and we got a little like air and then as we came out it was a hidden driveway and someone was backing up and we slammed on the brakes and my brakes locked up and we had to like screech so much that we i like adrenaline jumps i hopped

this it was it was during uh

yeah i did listen i didn't know mike finney lives this life a quarter mile at a time

dude by the way fast and furious and jackass were like the two biggest things at that time so yeah it was pretty heavily influenced and uh yep

that was me back in the day.

Better issue a lot of pussy.

Yeah, it really didn't translate to that.

Yeah, by the way, even your escape.

Actually, it wasn't even four.

The more I think about it, it was more just my buddy and I being like, look how fucking terrified they are.

Yeah, impressed.

I say impressed.

Even the way you describe it, you go, oh, they'd be behind me going like, ah, where am I going?

No, it was, you know, it was the fear, you know, the implications.

Either way, the story was dangerous.

Feeney just cleaned up.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, on the scoreboard, all alone with four points in first place.

Mike Feeney.

Yeah.

Yeah,

what a loser you are.

You're all alone.

Yeah, I guess so.

It's cold up here at the top.

You don't get points if someone votes for you anymore.

That was never the class.

I've done this eight times.

I still don't know how to play.

Yo, it's Luis J.

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Oakerson coming at you from Story Wars, the wildest game show podcast in the world.

Man, we're hyped to talk about Brunt Workwear, the boots that got our feet feeling like they're on vacation while we're dodging verbal grenades up here.

Jay, what's the deal with your brunt kicks?

EO Lewis, I'm rocking the Marin six-inch soft toe.

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Ooh.

Crowd goes nuts for the boots.

Straight out the box, these things are comfier than my couch.

Most boots I've worn, weeks of break-in torture, like walking on bricks, brunt.

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And they've got pants, jackets, the whole deal.

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Jay, you think these boots could survive your stand-up rants?

Survive?

These could survive your Puerto Rican temper tantrums, Lewis.

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Please support the show and tell them the story Wars sent you.

All right, let's get back into it.

All right, Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

I got stopped by Border Patrol recently with drugs on me, and I made it through.

All of us?

None of us are in jail, and we always go through Border Patrol with drugs.

I would say right away, the only person I think it isn't is Vinny.

Really?

I was going to say

I was going to say the only person I think it isn't is Cam.

Because he wouldn't have made it through.

Made it through.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good point.

That's an amazing point.

Cam's favorite, but Cam, yeah,

he's well known, though, too, now.

There's border agents that would be like, holy shit.

And he'd be like, yeah, take your drugs.

Border.

Where do you, I mean, driving to Canada, right?

That's where you get stopped by Border Patrol.

That's where you get stopped by Border Patrol.

Yeah, I was going to say, Lewis has had multiple run-ins with.

Oh, I've been turned around at the Canadian border.

Absolutely.

You wouldn't even go.

Because I mean, my dick semi-heart in my face.

Just pulsing.

Those charges don't go away.

They follow you.

By the way, I'm Louis Jake Omes, and I've lived in the neighborhood.

I'm on the sex under arrest, G.

Oh, wow.

Okay, so

this could be a J story.

You haven't driven into Canada.

Nope.

But it's Border Patrol.

Border Patrol could be

anything.

My last time in Canada was just for laughs.

When's the last time you left the country?

That was it.

Oh, what about?

But Lewis just went to Jamaica.

Whoa.

Lewis constantly leaves the country.

Yeah.

I always just went to Jamaica.

Yeah.

But that's, there's a border.

They give you drugs at the border in Jamaica.

No, it's still illegal there.

It's illegal.

No, it's not.

It is.

Weed is recreationally illegal.

Mushrooms are recreationally illegal.

You can't bring it on planes, though.

No, no, no, you can't.

So here's the thing.

I did, when I was in Amsterdam, I had a joint in my pocket that I forgot about, and I just flew to four different countries with a joint in my pocket, my hoodie, but they didn't stop me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They didn't stop me.

I wasn't stopped at all.

I mean, the going back, I feel like Lewis of Everyone has left the country a lot.

A lot the most recently.

When have you been on any trips recently, Vinny?

Like just Miami.

What?

Dang.

What the fuck?

I haven't left the country.

Actually, I went to Jamaica, too.

Oh, fuck it.

Wait a minute.

It's a great guy.

Why?

Are you dating Lewis?

Or are you about to be?

Cam, when's the last time you left the country?

Shit.

A couple months ago.

Where'd you go?

Canada.

Canada.

That's recently.

That's recently.

And do you do drugs, Cam?

No, I don't smoke a drink.

You don't smoke any weed or drink, nothing.

Wow.

Damn.

I think Cam's out.

Are we allowed to lie?

You were carrying Tony's drugs?

You're allowed to do whatever you want to do.

Oh, okay.

You could lie.

Just the story has to be true.

Damn, I thought it was you.

Yeah, no, I don't smoke with Jay.

Oh, well, then it's Lewis.

What about Jay, though?

Hold on.

Hold on.

Sure, it could be me, but I don't go out of the country.

Recently.

Yeah, recently it's me.

Recently, it could be the last couple years.

What did you say, Benny?

You just admitted to doing this.

He told you the whole story.

But here's right now.

That's what I'm saying.

That's why I don't think it's him.

That's why I don't think it's him.

He told you the story.

No, I know, but why?

So when it comes out, it's Lewis.

He's going to have to go and

see a crazy

reverse psychology if he did that.

Are you going to?

I

it could be Feeney twice.

It could be Feeney again for sure.

He's spoken to me.

Feeney is a pothead.

I went to he's got a boy-like face.

I would believe him if I was Border Patrol.

I don't know why.

I don't know why.

Damn, that's funny.

I would.

I don't know why.

He was holding it for someone.

He did it with a KRC anyway.

Oh, hell yeah.

Move deaf.

Hell yeah.

I didn't.

Here's my problem with this, is that this is such a Lewis-sounding story that it feels like one of you making this, making us trying to think that it's Lewis.

No, it's just that Lewis can't not write Lewis.

So it's definitely Lewis.

And then he said it's me.

I can write Lewis.

Yeah, it's just.

Why do you think it's Cam?

I don't know.

It just sounds like he would write that.

What?

I got stopped by Border Patrol recently with drugs on me, and I made it through.

That's it.

Short and sweet.

I think Big J is playing a little bit of a game here, and he's trying to put it on me.

He knows I caught him.

All right, we'll see.

Now he's going to try to get you to switch, man.

I think Big J had little steezies in his fucking bag.

He always has them in his Louis Vuitton bag.

They stopped him.

They didn't check.

He got through.

Border Patrol, is that, I mean, what does that mean?

Is that country to country only?

Oh, here he goes.

What is that even?

Is that

oh, the patrol for the border of the okay.

All right.

You know what?

You know what?

No way.

The border patrol.

That's like.

They're like on the making.

I think this is Big J or Vinny, but I'm going to go with Big J.

Ogden.

Here we go.

Big J Ogerson is my vote.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number two belongs to

Cam Patterson.

Oh, you piece of shit.

You playing the game now, baby.

KR and C.

KRC.

Oh, my God.

You playing the game now, baby.

Hell yeah.

Let's play this.

KRC.

He's a liar.

Nah, I don't smoke a drink.

Why'd you have drugs on here?

I stopped like a month ago, though.

And the funniest shit,

they ain't get the drugs or nothing.

They stopped me because I went with my dad.

And my dad, he had to marry.

They're They were like a black guy with his dad.

Impossible.

Nowhere in hell.

Come back.

He sue or a crime team.

No, we got stopped.

My dad had

domestic violence charge from 99.

And I was born in 99.

No, we all did.

That was Woodstock 99.

We went a little crazy.

Limpitzer.

Limbiscuit was very live that day.

Yeah, Y2K really changed everything.

So they stopped you.

Where was this at?

Canada.

In Canada.

Yeah.

That was on to it.

Yeah, yeah.

And

where'd you have the weed at?

Oh, my dog just had it on him.

He just kept going.

Somebody got weed on us.

I was like, what?

Somebody got weed there.

I don't know what to tell you, but it's weed in this car.

Wow.

But it was really because my dad had domestic view.

And

did you just admit it?

Or they just let him out?

They didn't even know we had the weed.

They thought it was because of the domestic violence charge.

The dogs smelled the weed and the dogs were like, there's definitely weed in this car.

No, I think he meant his dog as his friend.

I swear to God, he didn't.

it's a different

when you're talking about border patrol and dogs we do assume that it's drug dogs but you mean your friend had the weed my homeboy yeah my homeboy had the weed oh you really were kidding

I thought you literally meant dogs okay

oh you would actually was just being a racist piece of shit

my dog yeah yeah you can't say

my dog had gas on not my not my dog had weed in his fucking on his pouch no I didn't think that I all right forget it yeah You understand what I thought, right?

People, okay.

It's a service dog.

Nigga, do a great service.

God damn.

He's got weed on him.

Alex, after two stories, where are our points at?

All right, on the scoreboard in third place with two points,

Vinnie Guadanino.

I'm on the board

in second place with three points, Cam Patterson.

And in the lead with four points, Mike Feeney.

Damn, dude.

Hey, get off the phone and get your head in the goddamn game.

We're getting our asses kicked.

We're going to lose Lucid.

Alex, story number three.

That crushes with that woman every time.

It's very funny.

It makes it seem very official.

Yeah.

It does.

I like how you guys just went to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire sound alikes

so they wouldn't get demonetized.

For sure.

This is, what do you call that?

Like them old songs.

It's

public domain.

Fuck off.

Next slide.

Clean slate.

Story number three.

I once went down a half pipe on a rented city city bike, and it did not end well.

Probably not Jay.

Well, in fairness, it doesn't say, and I hit a fucking flip or some shit and nailed it.

It says it didn't end well.

I mean, I know, Phoenix,

did you like skateboarding or?

I did BMX, but I was

more street than vert.

You know too much about this shit.

Yeah, I did.

I had pegs and everything like that.

It wasn't me, I'm telling you this, but it is, because if it was me, I would have lied and said I didn't.

But I did have that experience, but that's not me.

And if I did it, I feel like it would have ended.

It would have ended okay.

On a city bike?

A city bike is crazy.

That's so heavy.

A city bike is nuts.

It's like 50 pounds.

It's not, do they have city bikes?

Cam, where are you from originally?

Orlando.

Orlando.

They don't have city bikes in Orlando.

Yeah, we do.

You do.

You can get an online city bike.

But I'm not.

Come on.

What I look like.

Yeah.

Yeah, fucking

bitch.

I'm going to tell you right now who it is.

It's definitely Vinny.

Oh, my God, bro.

It's 100% Vinny.

Why do you think it's Vinny?

Because Vinny definitely did some skateboarding and stuff like that.

I recently had Vinny on my show, and we watched a video of him and Lil Wayne skateboarding at a skate park together.

So it's 100% Vinny.

Fuck that.

I'm getting on the board.

No, this was you.

But you can, I mean, vote whoever you want.

I'm telling you right now.

I'm in this list.

It's not Cam.

It's not Big J.

You can write me if you want.

You're throwing away your vote.

I feel like they've given too many to you.

I think it's Lewis.

It could be Lewis, too, but Lewis.

I don't know if you're very, if it's not Vinny, it's Lewis.

But you sold me hard on that because when first that I had,

he forgot that you watched this video together.

And when you said that he has a skateboarding history, Vinny went, skateboarding?

You reminded him that you watched a video of it.

Yeah.

And also, I want to say this: if Lewis did do this, it would be well documented on every podcast he ever did.

He tried to fucking drop in.

Lewis does 30 podcasts.

I rented a city bike maybe two times in my entire life.

Well, I wouldn't rent any more either if I watched it.

One time, I'm locked in.

One time I was live streaming on Periscope on the city bike, and then I hit something and I flipped over the front of the

front tire.

You think it's Big Jay?

Vinny, you're retarded.

This is definitely Vinny.

That's why he's voting for me.

You guys all owe me one if it's Big E.

Alex.

This story belongs to

Louis J.

Gomez.

Daniel, why didn't you fight harder?

Yeah, why didn't you fight harder?

The story's a lie.

You would have never stopped telling it.

No, I'll tell you what happened.

This was in Amsterdam when I was 22 years old.

We were staying in Utrecht, which is like a city right outside of Amsterdam, like 30 minutes outside of Amsterdam.

And we rented those shitty, like they're known as city bikes, but there's like a Dutch, they're like Dutch city bikes, right?

Big, way, way worse than the city bikes that are rented here.

These are big, clunky, like there's no brakes on them.

Like those those beach cruiser ones.

Dude, they're fucking so heavy and ugly.

And we saw people on a half pipe and I was like, dude, this is going to be fucking great.

I'm going to go down this half pipe.

Never been on a half pipe in my entire life.

Never touched a half pipe.

I went up, dude.

I literally, I mean, it went exactly how you thought it went.

I went straight down and fucking flipped over.

The bike landed on top of me.

I tore my shirt, my pants.

One of my shoes flew off my body.

It was ridiculous.

And my mom died on that trip.

I think that was the reason.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She did.

She died at home while you were on the trip not caring

shout out doctor said if you'd have been there you could have helped

shout out to dan doherty and gene who told me not to do it

you said she died alone she did die alone begging for her boy

her dying face was the letter you from lewis

no she was saying where i was she was like he's in uotrecht

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, heading into round four with zero points in last place, Big Jay Okerson.

A lot of game left.

Lots of game left.

Tied with three points each, Luis J.

Gomez and Cam Patterson.

And tied for the lead with four points each: Mike Feeney and Vinny Guadanino.

It is anybody's game,

except for Jay's problem.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

I was a paper boy, but wouldn't deliver the paper into the projects because it was too dangerous.

Not Cam.

Me?

Ain't nobody else.

Stephen.

Say the name right now.

It's Mike.

I am about that paper boy, but I was never a paper boy.

You were never a paper boy?

It's definitely you now saying that shit.

That was crazy.

That was insane.

No, bro.

I lived on Long Island.

There were projects where

you would drive to the projects.

It's not a deliverable thing, you know?

Vinny, were you a paper boy?

No, I was a pizza delivery boy, and the fucking projects in Staten Island are fucking gay.

Gay projects.

That's where Wu-Tang is from.

Okay.

That's actually...

Lewis.

I was a paper boy.

No, but I had no choice as to where I would go.

I delivered papers with my uncle Howard, who would drive me.

He was a loser.

No, no, no, no.

He did it in his car.

And he would take me on the weekends at like two o'clock in the morning, and we would throw them out of the car window.

And I got really good at like fucking hookshotting

people's doors.

But we didn't, you know, our route was our route.

We didn't, we were in a car too.

We didn't care about going to the hood.

What about you, Jay?

I was a paper boy, and I lived in a

pretty shitty neighborhood.

There was no project where I lived, but I will say that I didn't deliver the papers because I didn't want to.

I would just leave them and then not do it.

Eventually, they find out and they're pissed.

I feel like it's Jay.

So it's either Vinny, Jay, or Lewis.

I genuinely mean this.

There's no projects where I lived.

Did you live in Philly?

Yeah, but the whole neighborhood was just like a shitty neighborhood.

There's no project.

That doesn't mean you didn't have to work in the neighborhood you lived in.

I didn't know what.

What?

Nobody works.

You think people leave the neighborhood to deliver papers in a different neighborhood?

That'd be crazy.

Yeah, anybody who lives in the world.

Well, you were on a bike.

How did you deliver the bike?

Do you think your current mailman lives in your neighborhood?

He's a fucking mailman.

A paper boy?

You think somebody comes on a bike from other neighborhoods away?

That's insane.

It doesn't have to be a bike.

He was in a car.

Feeney just dunked on you, Jay.

You're going to take that from little Mike Feeney.

If Lewis votes for me because of that, it's Lewis.

I don't know who I'm voting for yet.

Usually I'm suspicious of Mike, but Long Island, are there projects?

Shirley, Mastic are projects, but that was a little further from me.

Mastic.

Yeah, you fucking don't.

CI, you know what I mean?

It is.

Feeney, you look like the digital paperwork video game.

I played that video game for Nintendo.

Yeah, it was great.

I was always hitting the sewer grates.

It sucked.

But it's one of you three, and I'm leaning towards Jay.

I don't think Lewis had...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, I did.

But then also, what about Cam?

He got dismissed too quickly.

I mean, he's also so young, though.

Yeah, I don't think.

I'm 26, but I wasn't throwing no fucking papers on Lewis.

That's an old person's job.

I apologize.

literally the opposite I was never one either that's kind of crazy though

that was an instant out of the key but there are projects where people

there's projects there's projects in Staten Island there's projects in Philly's projects ever I mean Rockland County there wasn't projects but it was like a hood area projects is is I mean it would be early this says into the projects you know I mean the word projects is very telling to me yeah it's not just a hood it's it's like public housing so that's right that is that is a city and where are they

where are they dangerous?

Where are you from?

Orlando, they're dangerous in Orlando.

I don't know, are they?

Oh, you're gonna say something more dangerous.

I voted Vinny every time, and I've been wrong every goddamn time.

You're wrong, it's either Vinny or Big J.

I'm saying Jay.

Then, all right, I'll take your word for that and say it's Vinny.

I want it to be Big J.

It's Big J or Vinny.

The big that's the lie about there was no projects, and we were in the dangerous part.

There was no going to, it was just just a shitty neighborhood.

We didn't have projects.

He did say that Wu-Tang is from Staten Island.

That was the part of New York is projects.

Yeah, for sure.

I don't know if there was.

No, but he was there projects by you.

You didn't deliver papers.

I did not know.

I was a pizza boy.

What was your first job?

Well, that was in the Staten Island Mall.

Delivering papers.

Maybe.

No.

Damn.

Yeah, I mean, so if you're

I kind of believe Vinny right now.

I'm thinking, you know know what, I'm going big Jay Okerson.

Sorry, Jay.

Oh, fuck me.

It might be Lois now.

Oh, someone's fucking cleaning up hard with these votes for me.

Is everybody voting for at least somebody?

So where someone's not getting fully swept there?

Well, I mean, a lot of someone's getting three points.

Come on.

Ooh,

I fucking bet it was Vinny.

It's got to be Vinny.

Oh, if it's me, that'd be so sick.

Alex, Alex, everybody's in.

Story number four belongs to

Vinny Guadanino.

Vinny, I believed you.

That's the game, all right?

I feel so betrayed every time someone lies in my face and I believe them.

I know.

I'm taking that.

No, you did exactly right, but I know what he means.

He just goes, you looked me in the face and said you've never delivered a paper in your life.

Damn.

How could you?

No, no, no.

So, Jay, you're right.

That was the funniest joke I've ever heard, where he thinks the mailman lives in his neighborhood.

But wait, wait.

Oh, no, Benny's dunking on you.

No, no, no.

Guys, wait, wait, wait.

It's very funny, but there's no analogy.

Paperboy is not a mailman working for the government.

It's a kid who gets papers dropped off and you bike around the neighborhood and throw papers unless you're a fucking loser like Lewis' uncle, who has that job well into driving

okay so there's a loophole here you're right so so there was like the satin down paper right if someone didn't get their paper if someone didn't bring it to them like you said you didn't do that I would wait in a car with a stack of papers and deliver it to the whole island that didn't get there.

I was like the backup paper boy.

Oh shit.

So sometimes we would get calls from the projects to go in and my dad was like, don't fucking go in there.

You know, because the last guy that went in there, like he lost his pants and they jumped him and shit.

I swear to God, the last people.

What was the funny name that we don't know what it means exactly for black people?

We say, Don't go in there.

There's a bunch of fucking taroos.

I'm not saying it.

Yeah, it's the word.

Jay, what was the funny name that we don't know?

We know what dude, Italian Staten Island, it was right there.

Afraid of black people.

I mean, that's all

it all lined up.

God damn it.

Fuck.

Damn, bro.

Go on, Alex.

Who's on the board?

In last place with two points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

No, no.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Alex, Alex,

Alex.

Are you pissing me?

You could have just said on the board.

In last place, you fuck.

You know I'm

trying his best.

I'm doing my goddamn best.

I did my best.

He's still new at this.

You're getting the hang of it.

Trying his best with two points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Craig Roots.

With three points each.

I have a tie between Louis J.

Gomez and Cam Patterson.

It's an ethnic war right in the middle.

In second place with four points, Mike Feeney.

And in the lead with seven points, Vinny Guadanino.

First lead.

First lead ever.

That was an ass kicking of a round.

Vinny can just not lose in life, you son of a bitch.

All right,

we are halfway through the game right now.

So why don't we take a quick moment, plug some things that are coming up, and then we'll explain what happens in the second half.

Vinny, what are you plugging?

Just watch my podcast, Something Went Wrong with Vinny, and go on my Instagram, comedy shows in my bio, all over the country.

Miami coming up next week.

Cam.

Cam.

Oh, shit,

I'm on the road to show all the time.

On Instagram, I cancel Fenny.

And then I'll first start doing Twitch.

So, same shit, just cancel Fenny.

That's it.

Oh, yeah.

Let's go.

Mike Feeney.

I am Mike Feeney on social media.

I actually have a brand new podcast that's out.

If you're watching, I don't know when this comes out, but I assume it's out right now.

It's called Co-Host Wanted.

It's on my YouTube.

It's on all the platforms.

I have a person come on every week, and then I interview them to be the permanent co-host of the show.

If I like them.

Nice.

I like that.

What happens if you like the second guy?

That's the end of the show.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll just have to tune in to find out, won't you, gang?

Season one is out right now.

Please go watch it.

Thank you.

Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

I'm all over the place.

Look for a city near you.

And listen to the bonfire with me and the great Robert Kelly, Five Days a Week, Faction Talk Series XM103.

And of course, right here on Guest Digital, Legendary Legion of Skanks.

And watch my specials, both on YouTube now, both Crowdwork specials.

Them they.

Oh.

And of course, me and Lewis now officially in the Rogan sphere.

Come see me live on the road.

We have a lot of stuff coming up.

First of all, we got the first week of August, we're going to be in Los Angeles, California, doing Story Wars Live from the Comedy Store, at least two shows.

We're also doing Morse Plains, New Jersey on June 29th.

So if you're in the New Jersey area, come check out Story Wars Live.

Then I got a few other things coming up.

Atlantic City on the 5th and the 6th.

My special, I'm taping on July 12th.

That's already sold out, but there are tickets available for the Thursday and Friday in Tampa right before it.

So the 10th and the 11th, you can get tickets.

A lot of other dates coming up.

Timonium, Maryland, Kansas City, Missouri, Providence, Rhode Island, and many more.

Go to Lewisofskanks.com, grab those tickets for all of those shows.

Check out all my other podcasts, The Regs, and obviously Legion of Skanks.

I just finished the first draft of my book, Knives and Spoons.

It's available for pre-order right now on Amazon.com.

So go grab that.

I think you guys are going to really like it.

A lot of these stories that I tell in Story Wars are going to end up in the book.

That's weird for a cookbook.

It's a coloring book.

He goes, Two scoops of butter.

That's when I dropped in on this fucking bike.

But we're, I'll tell you right now, SkankFest, all access officially as of today, sold out, which is pretty incredible.

But you can still get

still get single-day passes.

So if you guys want to come out to one or all three days, you got to buy individual day passes.

Go to SkankFest.com.

And I'm giving away a pair of golden tickets.

No purchase necessary.

Go to bodybraincoffee.com and pick up some of my coffee.

But you don't have to.

You guys can do there's other rules and regulations there or whatever.

But yeah, my coffee that boosts testosterone and brain function, bodybraincoffee.com.

And make sure you guys subscribe to Gast Digital, GasDigital.com.

Use the promo code WARSORWAR.

You get access to, I think, 30 episodes that aren't available on YouTube or anywhere else.

Pre-release and an ad-free version of this show.

Uncensored version of the show, plus access to the racist live chat, which is so much fun.

Go to GasDigital, GasDigital.com.

Use that promo code WAR.

All right.

We've reached the second half of the game and everybody is tense.

I do not want this book out of our library.

Lucid

by Michael S.

Milano.

For Devin, sleep used to be the only place he felt in control.

In his dreams, he's confident, strong, unafraid.

But the more time he spends in his dream world, the more dangerous his waking life becomes.

A reality fractures, and the line between nightmare and memory dissolves.

Devin realizes he may not be dreaming anymore, and he may not be the only one in control.

Yeah.

And

sure.

I have two points.

It's not looking good, but that can turn around in one round.

And Cam, I know you're new to the show, but what you're about to find out is for the second half of the show, the final four stories, we go double points.

Yeah, is there a camera that shows every the audience?

Okay,

because if people at home can't see that, I mean,

we got the wide shot.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, it's all super fun for sure.

The crowd goes nuts.

It's become part of the show, a big part of the show, and how people relate.

But it's an actual thing on the show.

Whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got a point.

And if you guessed the right story, you got two points.

Now that goes double point.

Hey, Jay, the guy that looks like you was doing the double points thing.

Yeah, he's in.

He's way hitting this.

I love how much fun Cam's having.

I don't even like reading, but I want to win.

Give the book away.

It's not about that.

Sweet victory.

Ah, our final four stories.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I went to visit a friend to see her new baby.

She didn't tell me she lived in a trap house with drugs, guns, and naked people everywhere.

Vinny.

I think this is the first one they're not going to say my name to.

I mean, I don't want to be racist.

Yeah, I know.

I don't mind being racist.

I just didn't want to say it first.

I mean, you know.

Kim, were you the baby in this story?

Nah, no, that would, it's not me.

It's not me.

I'll say this in defense of myself.

I've never said the word trap house in my life.

I think I've asked you.

And I'm not even fully sure what it is.

So

it's a

drug house.

Well, it's also,

what do they call them?

Subway apartments or what do they call them?

Railroad subway?

Railroad style apartments, right?

Because you get trapped inside.

I thought it was like trap music.

I thought it was a drug.

No, it is.

It is drug, but I'm saying, aren't they usually railroad-style?

Oh, I didn't know that.

My boy?

You think it's got something to do with the art deco, the architecture of the building?

Well, look, sure, we're cooking crack in here, but it's not a trap house because you see, this is an open floor plan.

And a trap house tends to have that room-to-room.

No, typically, they're

crazy, man.

They're pre-war.

I know what you say.

I grew up in a trap house.

I'm right in a railroad apartment.

I'm going to write Cam's name down if you can answer one question for me, Alex.

Did you change the word

erware to everywhere?

There was nigga people

do that.

They do that.

They will do that.

They do that.

They will take liberties to make sure you don't liberate that.

I mean,

this sounds so much like cam.

That's the thing that makes me feel like it's not because it's

fucked.

Oh!

Oh, no!

Nigga, you!

Wait a minute.

Yeah, what about you?

I did have railroad apartments, but no one was cooking crack.

My mom was cooking chicken cutlets, okay?

I think by definition, you still trap house.

That's true, that's true.

According to Lewis.

Yeah, according to Lewis, you were trapped in that railroad apartment with your mom's chicken cutlets.

I believe that.

Pounded down, paper-thin.

I believe that

one of the defining factors of a trap house is the fact that it is railroad style.

Maybe I'm wrong about that.

No, it's just drugs that a people doesn't.

Alex, shut the fuck up.

That's what I believe.

Yeah.

I know it's true.

I will say this.

I will say the only, I don't think it's Lewis, but now I'm also...

Jay's been...

Could it be you?

Yeah, dude.

I hang in a trap house.

No, no.

When you're visiting,

you're friend with it.

Yeah, you're visiting a friend with a new baby.

I will say that Jay, my son was born,

and Jay was at the the stand.

I brought his son to a trap house.

I used to live a block from the old stand,

and Jay was at the stand every single night.

It took Jay a full year and a half to meet my son.

I don't think he's visiting some random bitch with a new baby.

Okay.

That's a crazy thing to say, you son of a bitch.

I held your son as a baby.

Yeah, he's still a baby after.

No, I held your son as a baby, you fucking jerk-off.

You don't remember that?

Look how angry he's getting right now, guys.

That hit a a sore spot.

No, it was maybe six months.

Maybe.

Okay, but

six months is still this.

So we're down to Camervinny.

I mean, what are we even doing here?

It's fucking Cam.

But here's the thing, Dan.

Is this a game where we're psyching ourselves out?

Are we just wasting time?

I get it.

We got to vamp and make jokes.

It's alarming to me, though.

That's what they ain't like.

It's not a thing that would alarm me.

All right.

They never said they were alarmed.

That's what I'm saying.

I wouldn't even write it down.

It's a regular day in my life.

You know what I'm saying?

Can't let everybody jump up.

I swear to God.

Next time Vinny, though.

Shut the fuck up.

It really could.

Oh, shit.

All right.

It could be Vinny.

It could be Vinny because Vinny's

Vinny's got some dirtbag friends.

Yeah, that is true.

I used to go to the projects, the Park Hill projects, to like, deliver papers.

Until all those fucking Gapadoos came out and fucking saw you, right?

God damn it.

It so clearly seems like a Cam story, it makes me feel like it's not.

Oh, it's not, by the way, if it's Vinny, he's going to pull

it.

It's over.

Should I go, Vinny?

I'm not letting go yet.

Should I go Vinny just to just to keep us all close?

What did you put?

Who'd you put, Vinny?

Cam.

Cam.

That's crazy, dog.

That's insane.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Let's do it.

Alex, please be obvious.

Story number five belongs to

someone who came and saw my baby right away, by the way.

Big J Ogre.

No fucking way.

Wow.

Big J is playing the fucking game.

Dude.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

How did it happen?

By the way, Cam guessed it right.

Yeah, how?

I knew all of you who didn't grow up around black people would fall for the fucking trap house line.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

True, I don't know if I'm listening.

I see your point, yeah.

Lewis talked me out of it.

Let the fucking family.

I sent you all right to Cam, and you all played my game perfectly.

Who is this woman with the baby in the trap house?

Oh, yeah.

She's

her name's Tracy.

I've known her for a long time.

And then we would hang out a little bit when we were younger.

And then when I moved to New York, she started,

I mean, just getting ran through by black dudes.

And then

one of them put a baby in her.

And me, I was hanging out with, remember, Larry Bia?

Larry Bia is a great dude, but I mean...

The whitest of black guys you can go into a situation like this with.

And I was in the neighborhood and she goes, oh, I want you to come see my new baby.

And we did.

And when we got to the house right away, she starts walking us in.

She has to tell everybody outside to be cool and stop fucking like staring at us shitty because we're friends of hers.

And then it was just like a tower of terror.

Of every

flight we went up, like a door opened, and there'd be people like naked fucking in there, like close door, motherfucker.

And then the other room, there'd be people like doing drawing.

It was fucking what.

And then at the top,

it was a giant eyeball.

More door.

I gave the ring.

I swear to you, the craziest thing is like, and music blaring everywhere and spray paint on the walls.

And then the last steps, like the fifth flight of steps, there was just a beautiful white room with a baby sleeping.

Just sleeping there perfectly.

And then the same terrifying going all back downstairs.

But she had to keep, she had to follow behind us to say, don't kill them.

They're my friends on every fucking floor.

But I stayed a little bit on the fuck floor.

I just watched.

I didn't jump in.

There was about 75 inches of black dick in that room, four guys.

So

I was gonna watch.

I didn't, I didn't watch.

How did you know it was him?

He from Philly, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

You guys don't respect my gangster.

You see these painted nails, you forget I'm from West Philadelphia.

Okay, feels good.

What are our scores looking like?

Hey!

Before we do that, I will say I did confirm that a trap house has nothing to do with the railroad station.

Okay, yeah,

I looked it up.

I don't know why you looked.

I think we were all new for sure it had nothing to do with the design of the home, of said home.

I don't know where I came up with that.

I think you were thinking of the wire because they would go in the front door and then they would run out to the back alley.

Maybe he goes, It's a trap house.

It's a trap loft.

Alex, where are our scores?

All right, on the board in last place with three points, Luis J.

Gomez.

In fourth place with four points, Mike Feeney.

This is a travesty.

A travesty.

In second place

with seven points each, tied up,

Cam Patterson and Vinnie Guadoninho.

And in the lead with eight points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Wow.

That's crazy.

The impossible has happened.

That is crazy.

Is that the biggest comeback?

Back in the game.

Do you believe in miracles?

We've had some crazy comebacks.

But here's the understanding.

Big Jay hasn't won a game, I mean, in six months.

I don't know.

I think the length of the show.

He's won four games ever.

He very is rarely in the lead.

This is a very good position for Jay to be in.

This is a big thing.

I don't want to get too hyped because it's just going to

upset me.

But I got this.

Yo, it's Louis Jay Gomas and Big Jay Oakerson bringing you the madness on Story Wars, the sickest game show podcast around.

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Jay, what trash were you carrying?

Lewis, my wallet was a saggy leather mess.

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You see that new titanium black beast they got on the website?

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Ooh, blasphemy.

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Jay, that AirTag give you peace of mind or what?

Yeah,

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All right, where were we?

Alex?

Story number six.

Story number six.

I once almost drowned trying to impress a girl by jumping off a cliff into the water.

This is fucking feeny again.

Trying to impress the ladies.

There's no way.

Listen, why do you do things alone?

And then, by the way, everything you do, the girls are always like, what is that?

Joel, shake it out.

Listen,

that's very funny that there's two Impressive Girl stories.

Obviously, I wouldn't submit two of them.

Obviously.

All right,

let's just cut right now.

Cam's not getting that beautiful hair with the Impress No Bitch.

It's going to take 75 hours to drive.

No, no, it does say almost drowned.

Oh!

Look, look, hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Wait a minute, hold up.

Stop clapping, bitch.

Wait a minute.

Stop clapping that goddamn corner, nigga.

Hey, I am

a phenomenal swimmer.

I believe you.

I'm fucking you.

You grew up in Orlando.

That's big.

I'm a great swimmer.

Orlando, the landlocked capital of the world.

What are you talking about?

There's no hotel anywhere near.

No, I'm saying.

In Orlando, he's fucking now.

There's water all over Orlando.

Yeah, just flat Orlando.

What cliff is in Orlando?

In Disney World.

Disney Cliff.

Disney Cliff.

Space Mountain.

Never heard of it?

Goofy's Cliff Dive?

I guess you haven't been in a while.

Listen,

I want to throw my hat into the ring for Lewis.

So it's you?

No.

Because Lewis goes to Jamaica and all these tropical places when they go there.

I'm just afraid of heights.

I know, but to impress a girl.

I brought her to Jamaica.

Whether there's a girl's like, she goes, oh my God, I get so wet for heights.

Okay.

Guess I'll try.

Maybe this is the story.

Maybe this is the genesis that made you scared of heights.

No, I've always been afraid of heights.

Terrified of heights in a very crazy way.

Yeah, ever since you try to jump off of a foot ladder for a girl to impress you.

I think this is Lewis or Vinny.

Wasn't me.

I don't know what this is.

I don't know what this is.

Do you go cliff diving?

Have you been cliff diving?

Of course.

He's done.

Everything has.

He just said, no, hold on.

You said, no, you've never been cliff diving?

He's lying.

No, he's lying.

Yeah, he delivers papers and he cliffs dives.

There was a whole episode of Jersey Shore where you guys went cliff diving.

Yeah.

There's got to be a time you cliff dive on Jersey Shore.

It's been 73 seasons.

I went from a young, new comic to an elderly, old, washed-up comic in the time your show's been running.

Never went cliff diving.

All of that, never cliff diving.

My whole career trajectory, no cliff dive.

Okay.

Jay,

I have to ask, have you ever been cliff diving?

All right, no way, dude.

I would not, not only would I not believe the water's not deep enough for me to cliff dive, I just see it for sure.

I'm gonna hit the rock on the way down.

I'm the cell phone viral video of a guy just fucking up.

I can also see your loose shirt flapping in the wind and propelling you up.

Absolutely.

It's very like a reverse parachute if I do.

I do wear

your baggy shirt.

Yeah, it goes, what's happening?

Is the FUBU army landing?

Got a fucking foo boo baseball jersey cruising me to safety.

Hey guys, I was trying to kill myself.

He's like a flying squirrel.

Yeah.

I mean, I was thinking Feeney at first, but Vinny.

It's got to be

Feeney wouldn't do the two impressed girls stories.

Thank you.

Please vote for me.

I think it's Lewis.

I'm telling you, right, the only reason I'm thinking it's Vinny is because he's saying, I've never been cliff diving.

That's nearly impossible impossible for a like.

Preston Girls has

been cliff diving.

I did a cliff

in Hawaii.

I went cliff diving off a 40-foot cliff that was the same one.

I found out after I did it, that that's the one that Justin Bieber jumped off and blew his eardrum out.

Doing.

Yeah.

So I would, I would, I've done it.

I was in Hawaii and I went up to go cliff dive.

I was with a chick, and I literally stood there on the edge, paralyzed in fear, and walked back in

like a fucking pussy.

It's yeah, it's Lewis wouldn't tell that.

Jay, I swear to God, that's a true story.

All right, I believe you.

I swear to God.

You erased it.

And

I'm really baby in this league.

You all say it won't be.

When I wasn't winning, I was like, loose as a goose.

Now I'm like, hang on.

Everything matters.

You look at me in the face and tell me this isn't you.

Jay, I want you to win.

You haven't won in months.

Shut up.

You also know I've said.

You don't say it for a new friend.

Oh, the guy left.

He hates me now.

Great.

Just like my real dad.

I've told you how many times.

I've told you how many times that I'm terrified of heights.

I just talked to the story recently about the split.

Lewis, I swear to God, all my life, I've known you so, and I know so much about you.

Oh, my lit.

We have

tattoos of a thing to know who knows each other best.

He won.

And I won the thing, and I promise you, until this moment, if it's true, I had never knew you had a problem with heights in my life.

Really?

I just told you the story about on top of the stratosphere with dreams?

You don't listen.

I don't listen.

You don't listen.

I don't.

What, dude?

It's all white noise.

You're afraid of white noise.

It might be Lewis.

You're wasting a vote here, pal.

It's got to be.

You're wasting a vote here, pal.

Lewis does that to me all the time, too.

He goes,

and then I don't, and then it's him, and he looks at me, and he goes, sorry.

Fuck that.

Vinny, you've never been cliff diving with a woman.

No, no.

He's been so quiet.

You know, don't go off like that.

Nah, fuck that, dude.

I'm going Mike Feeney.

I'm with you, James.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Feeney, stupid.

After he just said that, maybe.

You're very dumb.

You're very dumb.

And

you've squandered your lead.

Now I'm thinking it's Feeney because he's really

squandered.

It's an insane word.

I'm learning so much right now.

I'm so happy, dog.

It's so dope here.

I know you was on the jersey short, nigga.

That's cool as hell, man.

That fucking dope.

I had no idea.

This is really goddamn cool, man.

For For 27 years.

Hey, no idea, dog.

Cool as fuck.

Life is great, man.

Crazy.

That's how my career is going, guys.

Oh, that hurts the most because Vinny definitely knew who Cam Patterson was.

Damn it.

That's true.

I'm a big fan.

No, you was.

I know you're going to judge the show.

That's dope, man.

I'm going against my instinct to say Lewis, and I'm saying Vinny.

Nah, it's Mike.

It's Mike.

My hope is he voted last.

You're going to be pissed.

It's going to be Mike because

he's selling it.

Ah, you fuck.

It's definitely Mike.

Fuck.

Whoa.

I fucking fuck you.

This story belongs to Lewis Jay Gomez.

Why don't you wire to help me?

Tell me.

Tell me it's not.

Can I say something to you out loud?

Stop winking at me when it's you.

It makes me feel like a bitch.

Every time it's him, I look over, I go, no, he goes.

And I go, and I go, I I guess my first instant, I go, ooh.

And then I go, fuck, fuck you.

Stop trying to make me fucking wet morning.

So I am terrified of heights, but I have gone cliff diving a decent amount considering how terrified of heights I am.

And the story about Hawaii is true.

I really went all the way up and I was like, fuck this.

And I walked back down while literally everyone cackled and made fun of me.

But this one, I was like maybe 17 years old,

16.

There was a place in,

it's Orange County, New York.

It's between like Rockland County and Orange County.

It was called the Deep Hole, and it was like a spring that everyone would jump off of cliffs into.

And we were jumping, there was a little bitch cliff that was maybe like 12 feet high, and we would jump off that all afternoon.

And we were just about to leave, and these cute girls showed up, and there was a higher one.

They were like, You guys aren't gonna go off the higher one?

And I lied.

I was like, I was like, oh, I've been doing it all afternoon, obviously.

I'm like, Hispanic Greg Lucanus.

So then they were like, sure, come on, do it.

And I was like, all right, I'll do it.

And then I went, I started,

I started climbing.

Witness the pageantry of a human dolphin.

I started climbing up the cliff to try to get there, all the way up to the high one.

And I slipped and I fell down the rocks while I clawed and screamed.

I tore

like five fingernails.

And I mean, just literally my body smashing into rocks.

I landed in the water.

I literally went under.

I couldn't fucking breathe.

I was just fucking gasping for air.

And these bitches just laughed at me.

Yeah.

Of course.

He came over and went, you have a booger.

On top of everything?

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah.

That was worth the points.

That story sucks.

His lack of good defense made me, made me.

Yeah, Vinny's got my numbers in it.

Vinny knows when it's me.

The silent assassin.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with four points.

How did this happen?

Mike Feeney.

That was it.

By the way, Mike.

Can I tell you something, Mike, and give me your hand?

I understand this pain.

This happens to me a lot.

Almost every week, I come out of the gates on fire, nailing it first round, and it's like three, and everybody else has nothing, and then I just never score again.

It was, I know, it was the best moment of my life.

I know.

This sucks.

Do you remember?

They got excited.

Cam Patterson was like, this game fucking won.

And what you did was amazing.

And you haven't felt even good since.

No.

I'm in a a terrible you have those same four boys.

Are you still the same, same four?

I haven't gotten anything right now.

That's insane.

It's not insane.

It happens to be constantly.

Well, Jay on the last one wrote my name down and erased it.

Yeah, that was crazy.

That was nuts.

That was a great last-second betrayal on your part.

That was fantastic.

I'm sorry, Alex.

You put that shit on God, nigga.

That was classic.

Oh, God, it's not me.

I swear to God.

He will swear on his son's pancreas.

He doesn't give a shit.

He's cold.

Oh, God, it's not.

Fucking ice water in his veins.

Alex.

In fourth place, with seven points, Cam Patterson.

It's tight.

It's tight.

In third place, with eight points, Big Jay Okerson.

What an emotional roller coaster.

In second place, with nine points, Luis J.

Gomez.

sitting pretty

and in the lead with 11 points Vinny Guadanino

from the Jersey Shore from the Jersey Shore

I'm in truly anybody's game still though this is it's way closer than you think Vinny, I would tell you to invite over Snookie and fucking Jaywow

because lucid is a psychological thriller about trauma, control, and the dark power of the subconscious.

When Devin discovers the art of lucid dreaming, he begins manipulating his dream world to escape a broken home and a painful past.

But something else is lurking inside his mind, something that remembers what he's trying to forget, and it's getting stronger every time he sleeps.

Vinny,

it's right there.

You can almost touch it.

Can't wait.

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

I fucked the girl who gave me chlamydia

again

just to be sure that she was the one who gave it to me.

It's Cam.

No.

It's Vinny.

No.

Cam.

It's me.

No, Vinny.

Cam, Vinny.

The only one who I feel like would even write that would be Lewis or Cam.

Yeah, I've never had chlamydia.

I don't believe anything you say from here right now.

Fuck you.

All right, I currently have chlamydia.

But you're living with it, not dying from it.

Again.

Again.

Twice as crazy, dog.

Twice as crazy.

Say no more.

Twice as crazy, dog.

No.

Jay?

Yeah.

Do you have a defense?

Never had chlamydia.

Or if I did, undiagnosed.

And then it just eventually went away.

Would it just go away?

No.

Does it eventually go away on its own?

No, I don't think so.

Fingers crossed to say you don't think so.

He said, I don't think so, and then tapped his fingers very curiously.

Yeah, what's your, what do you think, Vinny?

I'm trying to follow the logic.

If you fuck a girl with chlamydia, and then you have chlamydia,

and then you fuck her again, how do you know?

Does she still have chlamydia?

Right, it's a bad thing.

You would have to get rid of the chlamydia,

go back to her.

She still has chlamydia.

You would need a control group, you're saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

This is high-level.

This is high-level understanding.

Yeah, you're right.

Absolutely.

You're using scientific theories.

Yeah.

This is an eight-month project.

No, yeah.

There's the hypothesis.

We actually got NYU funding to finish this experiment.

Vidya, have you ever had chlamydia?

No.

No?

What are you talking about?

That was the whole storyline in season six, I think.

My whole career is built on chlamydia.

The whole house got it.

Jersey sure comes with vaccinations for this kind of thing.

The cough was crazy.

Vaccinations.

The cough was crazy.

Yeah.

It's the chlamydia.

I want to say this.

You know, I wouldn't write this.

Lewis would do this.

I wouldn't write this.

Lewis would.

But here's the thing.

Would Vinny write fucked the girl?

I feel like he wouldn't write that.

Made love.

It's a little.

Yeah, yeah.

He smushed mushed the girl.

Oh, yeah, exactly.

I smushed the girl.

If you're on the

Alex change that, my fist pumped some chick.

Ha ha ha.

You beat up her beat.

Cam.

Cam, have you ever had chlamydia?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I have, yeah, yeah.

I appreciate your honesty.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm with you, Feeney.

I think I'm feeling camera.

Chlamydia.

Dude, that's crazy, though, man.

That's fucked up.

Can I tell you something?

I sincerely apologize if it's not you.

And it could be Vinny.

This could be Vinny playing.

When he said he didn't have chlamydia ever, he laughed until his wife.

Here's what we wanted to do.

Why are we missing these two guys?

Lewis,

before you put your thing down,

another point for Vinny.

Everyone who always is like, how does that even work?

That's usually their story trying to throw it off the scent.

And he did that whole.

All right, forget it.

I don't know.

I'm overthinking.

I don't know what I'm talking.

I'm going to do this.

I mean, if this is Vinny, he is doing a great job at acting like it's doing so good.

But he did it last time.

I don't think he would write it.

This is his audition for him.

This is a fresh rear.

Why do you think it's him?

Let me see that.

He coughed when he said he got committed.

He did cough.

It was also the finger thing was crazy.

I told you I had committed.

Yes.

I've had committed.

Did you ever do this?

No, that's fucking retarded.

Literally, literally.

Why would I go?

It's one of them two.

That's insane.

I got to be honest with you.

I'm a little worried about my vote now that I heard Cam say he understands what happened here and has retarded.

You couldn't find out if she's the one who gave it to you if you haven't already and you fucked her.

Yeah, god damn it, it might be Vinny that himbo.

What the fuck, dude?

I have Cam written down, but I might be changing my votes if you want to.

No, leave Cam.

What are you guys thinking?

You think it's Vinny?

Yeah, bro.

That's fucking.

You think it's Cam?

They're racing.

It's always them.

It's always them.

Yeah.

All right.

That's the Hillbilly hideout we got over there.

Hillbilly Hideout.

Hey!

I fucked a girl.

Fuck.

That shit just dumb.

Like, as a nigga who had committee, that's fucking stupid.

My vote is for Vinny.

I can't let Vinny pull this far ahead.

It might be Lewis.

It could be Lewis.

He's done, and he has a video always.

Wait a minute.

They always throw in two stories in a row at one point, so this is it.

It happens.

So fuck you guys.

Okay.

Alex, everyone's in for question number seven.

Story number seven belongs to

Cam Patterson.

Damn.

That's two right answers I've erased and two back-to-back rounds.

He threw me off with retarded.

You had Cam written for so long on your board.

Yeah, fucking reacts now.

How hard is it not to react, Cam, when you watch him start to change it?

No, but when he starts to change it, you're like,

because you did the whole the whole this thing and that god damn it it's not fun anymore fee

oh man

feeny's going through it oh man i had to call myself retarded for that one man

yeah

i did that though i did that no i had

i had so i this girl she kept telling me to take the condom off the whole time and i was like no i'm not gonna do it i was like shit maybe like 17

i said no i'm not gonna do it and then i finally did and i caught committee and then uh like a year later, I fucked her again.

But I didn't really know.

I didn't know it was her, though, who gave it to me.

But when I fucked, I'm like, let me take the condom off.

And then she was like, no.

And I was like, bitch, it was you.

She found out after you.

Yeah, I was like, bitch, you definitely gave it to me.

That's how I knew it.

Man, a year of chlamydia, get insurance.

Go to a clinic.

That's fucking retarded.

Ooh, that's a shake-up.

That's a good shake-up.

That's a shake-up.

That's a shake-up.

What are the scores, Alex?

All right.

On the scoreboard,

in last place,

having scored zero points since round one.

Alex.

Alex.

Mike Feeney with four points.

In fourth place with nine points, Louis J.

Gomez.

In third place with 11 points, Vinny Guadalinho.

In second place with 12 points,

Big Jay Oakerson.

And in the lead with 13 points, Cam Patterson.

I mean, it is anybody but Mike Feeney's game.

But wait a minute, wait a minute.

This is the section where we start quadruple points, right?

No.

No, no, Mike.

But I'll tell you what, that major point Shacob brought to you by double points.

God damn it.

Mike, you can still make a showing, bud.

Is this what you feel like every week?

Every week.

This sucks.

This is crazy.

By the way, emotionally, I've already won.

We're here.

I'm still in it at the last question.

That's crazy.

That's so rare.

Usually, by the last question, I'm texting Christine, like, what do you want to get for dinner?

Doesn't matter.

Sober.

Alex, we have one final story.

Story number eight.

You're my only solace, miss.

The only joy is from that woman.

She loves the sound.

Yeah.

Alex, keep it doing one more time.

Story number eight.

She's going to shit her pants.

I got to say, it's also, it's not that it's just she's laughing, it's that it's murdering equally as hard every time.

She falls over.

Story number eight.

She loves it.

It's identical.

It's like she's a program.

She literally just slapped her knee.

Yeah.

This is how we're finding out she's a Terminator.

Every time they say play, she just does the whole thing exactly.

Yeah.

She's on a loop.

It's somewhat troubling.

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All right, where were we?

Alex?

Story number eight.

I got into a verbal altercation at Six Flags.

I got into a verbal altercation at Six Flags with the ride operator of Nitro.

Best roller coaster in the park.

That's why you weren't taking it lightly on him.

On the way out, we knocked over his extra large drink, which spilled all over the controls.

And we were chased by security across the park.

I know this happened to Lewis.

I know it's not Big Jay because he wouldn't have ran after being chased.

Hey, you motherfucker.

Yeah, not Jay.

I'm fat.

I don't want to go to jail.

No, I think Jay would rather take jail time than run.

Depends.

What am I doing?

A week?

I'll do a week.

Before I run, a week.

I mean, verbal altercation is.

This is another one of those situations where it seems so Lewis-like that it feels like I'm getting thrown off the scent here.

Yeah.

But I've been, again, going against my gut every time and been wrong every time.

It's Feeny.

I feel like it's a Feeny.

Yeah.

He gets into verbal altercations.

All right, so we know it's not Cam.

All right.

But what about you, Vinny?

I mean, I went to New Jersey.

I went to Six Flags.

You know, never did this.

It's not me.

Fair.

You never did it.

So,

Feeney, why did you get into a verbal altercation with this write-up?

I did not get into a verbal altercation.

I'm actually terrified of Rollercoaster.

This isn't Cam simply because he grew up in Orlando.

You're not going to fucking Six Flags with Disney to Disney right now.

It's not.

Hold on, first of all, Six Flags is bigger than Disney and closer to home.

Well, no, and

we got a lot of university.

Yeah, here.

That shit way better.

Unless you think Cam got into this last week at Six Flex.

I would the great adventure.

Punch a motherfucker in his face.

Night drove my nuts.

By the way, the extra large drink thing is making me think they're making fun of a fat guy who was working at the thing, which makes me think it's super fat-cocked and great-bodied Vinnique Guadanino.

No, no, no.

No, Vinny's a nice guy, though.

I couldn't imagine that.

He's a very nice guy.

That's why I just said.

No, the guy had an extra large drink, and my dick is huge.

I don't think that's a good idea.

This is the thing.

Here's what I'll tell you.

Knocking over a drink out of somebody's hands is a mere big J move.

Like, we'd get that aggressive.

I don't see Feeney getting that aggressive.

You said that was in his hands, which nobody said.

Yeah, he didn't say that.

Knocked over his extra link.

Either way, knocking over somebody's drink, it's not a Feeney move.

I don't don't think it's a Vinny move.

It's a very different thing.

Accidentally knocking over a drink versus slapping either hands, which you made very specific, which makes me know.

This is Lewis.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You showed your ass.

Dumb, dumb.

Big J.

Can I tell you why I'm torn right now?

You sure can.

Because I want Big J to win.

But I also know that this is his story.

And the way he reacted to me throwing it at him.

Never been a verbal altercation at an amusement park in my life.

I go there for childlike whimsy.

I go there to win stuffed animals with the basketball game.

You're clearly getting into altercations.

Shut the fuck up, you're right.

Right now.

This is the guy.

This guy is a world of alternative.

You're in a world of altercations all the time.

You get into maybe more altercations than Meg.

You're in a fat fat,

thank you.

He's a lunatic and he's saying crazy shit.

Jay is trying to get everyone to vote quickly.

Everybody, take your time.

It's Lewis.

I won.

Oh, wait.

Although, Cam.

Cam voted Lewis, which means he would win.

Fuck.

Yeah, so, shit.

Let me convince you it's not Lewis.

This isn't Lewis.

I want Jay to win.

But I'm letting you know that this is Big Jay Ogerson.

I don't know why he's saying, I don't know why he's doing this head fig.

I want Jay to win, but this is Jay.

It's not.

I don't just...

Why would I get into a verbal altercation with a Six Flags guy?

Jay, you get into verbal altercations with people for no reason or whatever.

No, I look for justice where there is none.

Damn.

It's not going on the fucking nitro.

By the way, it's only been.

Was it you?

Guys, how about this?

It's only been about six months since I can officially get on a roller coaster at Six Flags without them having to politely ask me to get off because it can't close.

I'm in a one-music barcode.

Jay has told me specifically that he was able to fit on roller coasters two or three years ago.

Nope.

Fully loaded tours, first time.

That was last year, first time ever.

I don't know.

Finney, no.

I don't know.

Feeney, Feeney, you're getting very hurt because of Jay.

You're killing him.

I'm giving it to Jay.

You're killing him.

You're killing him.

You're giving it to Jay, you fool.

I want John.

We wiki a bunch.

I want Jays.

I want Jay.

He loves your idiots.

You just gave him the game.

He probably did.

It's probably a big joke.

Fuck.

The final story belongs to

Mike Feeney.

Fuck.

That's a clean sweep.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I knew it.

Thank you, Ruth.

Holy shit.

Feeney only scored points on the first and last round, and it was all the points.

God damn it.

Feeney, tell us this story.

I have no idea who won't get it.

I was in, I was at, we were at Six Febs, we were in high school.

My buddy and I, we went on Nitro.

I was truly terrified of roller coasters.

He got me to go on it.

We had so much fun on Nitro because it is the best roller coaster.

And we wanted to go on it again without getting off.

And the guy who worked there was, in retrospect, doing his job, but

in our mind, being an asshole to us, he was overweight.

And he, and he,

on the way out, we were walking, you know, when you walk right past the controls, there's like a zigzaggy ramp going down.

And my buddy and I, he had this big, extra-large lemonade there.

And my buddy knocked it, like, just kind of knocked it over to be like, fuck you.

We didn't know it was going to land on the control board.

And then he was like, my controls.

And then he

electrocuted everybody on the ride?

Yeah, they had to, they shut him down.

Final destination.

But then we had to like run down.

By the way, you can't just like run.

It's not steps.

It's like a long, like crossing, zigzagging thing.

And he, and I, and I remember distinctly him chasing us and like trying to get closer.

And then thankfully, the people that were on the roller coaster with us were like, that guy sucks.

And they like kind of blocked his path.

Like, we got through while he was like being like, dogs, move out to the side, move to the side.

You know, and then security got called.

I hid in the arcade.

My buddy went some, we like, we like, you know, dispersed for 20 to 30 minutes and then had to come back together.

And then we just stayed on the other side of the park the rest of the time.

Did you just avoid the nitro?

Yeah, yeah.

It was quite thrilling.

Yeah.

Not as thrilling as that was.

That was wild.

All right, you were dude.

Verbal altercation had me dead to rights.

That was the moment I was really, I was sweating it out.

Alex, all of of our eight stories are done.

Where is our final point count?

All right.

In last place with nine points.

What?

Lewis J.

Goldman.

Not last.

Not last.

This will love me.

In fourth place with 11 points, Vinny Guadaninho.

What a game.

What a game today.

So mid.

With 12 points each, I have a tie for second place.

Making your winner tonight with 13 points, Cam Patterson.

I got to be honest, second place, second place feels like a victory right now.

I got to be honest.

I gotta not.

Hold on a second.

Let me just say something.

Alex, I know that this book came to the office, right?

It was somebody sent it in.

There's a note.

No, no, did you read the note?

Dude, it says, Dave, I've been a listener of part of the problem for many years.

This has nothing to do with the story worthy of skips.

This is four days later.

That's such a long letter.

They gave him...

It's handwritten.

Read the whole thing.

For many years, and always find your insights to be illuminating.

You homo.

Cam, just so you know, now you're taking this book that has been dedicated to Dave,

but you will also be taking home the postcard the guy wrote with everything in his heart to Dave that Dave Smith will never ever see or know about.

Dude, it's the author of this book sent it to Dave, signed it.

We just stole it and gave it away.

All right, I'm back in.

This show's fun.

Put the postcard in.

Here, guys, sign the book.

Everybody, sign the book.

Everybody, how about it?

For your newest Story Warrior.

Cam Patterson.

Oh!

You know,

Cam.

Cam.

Cam, we always got to tell you, it's your first time doing the show, what you win with becoming a Story Warrior privileges, you get to say, you get to ignite the.

Oh,

Wait, no,

you got to say double double

You now have that power for life your newest story warrior Cam Patterson having a big round of applause

For everybody on this panel Benny Guadaninho Mike Feeney

for Story Warriors.

Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us.

We'll catch you next time.

Until then, I'm Big Jay Olkerson.

I'm Luis J.

Gomez.

Peace.