047. Jim Norton, Bryan Callen, & Tim Butterly | The Seven Deadly Sins

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You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors giving up for Big Jay Oakerson and Lewis Jake Omega.

What is up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars.

Make some noise, Austin, Texas.

Wow, we have returned to the comedy mothership, taking over Austin, Texas.

Look, you guys are beautiful, beautiful people, and I really appreciate everyone being here.

All right.

There's no more to that.

Sentimental moments.

I was saying, you know what?

It's true.

This guy was here last time.

He's got his juke curls.

I remember.

I remember.

What a cyst.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

Find out.

Maybe it's not.

Who is not familiar with Story Wars?

See, it's always a popping.

Just two fucking losers.

Get him out.

Get him out of the way.

That's not how the idea is to get new people to enjoy the show.

Well, maybe.

This is why we stay still and kill Tony's in Italy right now with 30 comics.

I hope their plane crashes on the way back.

Hello, baby.

If you're not familiar with the game, we will explain it once we get our esteemed panel of contestants out here.

Our first contestant, brand new resident right here in Austin, Texas, you know him from the Dad Meet podcast and Tim Butterly show on YouTube.

How about it for the hilarious Tim Butterly?

Hey, what's up?

I mean, we're just probably not even going to mention returning story warrior as well.

That is also true.

You're on.

Because people know the fucking show, man.

Yeah.

Returning Story Warrior Warrior.

And last time you were here, he didn't have the

only person to ever have the DP privileges revoked.

That's nice.

Me, the fucking nicest guy ever.

That is true.

We had one episode where we decided you weren't weren't allowed to do it, and after we got so much pushback from the fans, we're like, you know what, it's back.

Just like that.

Our second contestant on today's show, first time on Story Wars.

You guys know him from his very popular podcast, The Fighter and the Kid.

Clap it up for Brian Callen.

Good to be here.

Good to be here.

It's time.

I wrestled the high school coach.

It's awesome.

Our third and final contestant.

This new special unconceivable available Friday on YouTube.

How about it for the hilarious Jim Norton in the house?

Oh, yeah.

more than words is all you've to do

who's in charge

then you wouldn't have to say

I you love me

because I

know

ready

We harmonize those beautiful

whoever's in charge of the the music we we'd want music for all three obviously i mean i can't

stop yelling no dude that moment only existed just now no because of the ineptitude of our staff

their stupidity breeds creativity that's why we don't get super smart people to do this shit exist our staff why do the other two guests get to say hello and i just have to sit here while you two fucking getting it sing

i really fell into that more than words today

apologies well i mean you know just maybe for the next show we put on music for all three guests What was the music supposed to be for me?

Taps.

It's Raining Men.

Something Latin and old.

Oh, menimo.

But guys, I'm really happy to be here, and I've done Story Wars before, and I'm just really honored that you invited me back.

Nice hand for the guys.

Sincere.

Very nice of you to say, Jim.

Thanks a lot, Lou.

Did you win when you were here last time?

I mean, it's not important, but yeah, I did.

He's another returning story warrior.

Fairly effortlessly, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, Brian.

Yeah, I'm new.

I'm new to the game.

Brian, you're new.

You're at a real disadvantage here.

I am.

You're already probably a little better at the game than I am.

I've won, and I can say this, every episode, it's the same number because the first four wins came early on, I think, and then I forgot how to play.

Yeah.

And I believe I'm now 4 and 56.

Yeah, I.

Wow.

But tonight,

you could always possibly be there for the night,

the night it all turned around.

If you are unfamiliar with the game Story Awards, your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game that sounds very complicated.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one given subject.

Tonight's subject:

Seven Deadly Sins.

Alex, our lovely producer, and dumb, we learned tonight.

If she could pull her head out of her ass for five seconds, is going to read those stories one at a time, eight of them, in no particular order.

And if it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story.

If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And every time you guess correctly, you get two points.

Every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

Once you put your answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the little slot right here and move you, remove your hand.

That is is your final answer.

You can't change it.

All right.

And I'll tell you right now: listen, Brian, you never played the game.

It's a lot of fun.

It's just a ton of fun.

We're already having a great time.

You don't even know.

But we're not playing for fun.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

Every week.

No.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I give a lot.

Every week on Story Wars, we are competing for a book from the Story Wars library.

Put that in a post.

I love libraries.

What do you have?

It's Lolita in Philadelphia.

Oh, Oh,

no, no, no.

Much better than that.

This week's winner gets Fierce Love by Reverend Dr.

Jackie Lewis.

Oh, my God.

I love Lewis.

I love her philosophy.

Reverend Dr.

Jackie Lewis presents a powerful roadmap for personal and collective healing rooted in radical love.

Drawing from her life as a black queer minister and activist, she shares deeply personal stories and practical tools to help readers dismantle fear, confront injustice, and choose love even in the most painful moments.

This is a call to live courageously and compassionately, even when it's hard.

Wow.

Amazing.

Dr.

Revere Jackie?

Yes, like the first time you do anal.

What happened?

Can I ask a question?

If we're putting the answers on the back of the thing and then showing the crowd, yes.

Because

I can see both of yours.

Oh, no, it's a wide open debate.

We could all see your answer.

Oh, okay.

How did you win this before?

Oh, it's been on.

Is he playing possum?

Jim gets me every time.

We were far apart.

Now it's like a little angle.

I just thought I could see her as I was supposed to.

I apologize.

Sorry.

He knew that.

He's trying to get in my head.

He's getting in your head, dude.

And you're letting it happen.

He knows I'm the worst at the game.

He's attacking me first.

He's getting the weak limb.

Jay, this is your internal monologue is coming out through your mouth right now.

Oh, God.

Lewis, protect me.

I think I'm gay.

Stop stealing my internal monologue.

So horny.

Let's get this.

Is this crowd ready for war?

Is this crowd ready for war?

And without any further ado, Alex,

story number one.

Story number one.

What the fuck?

Yes, clear your voice.

It'll happen.

Hey, Marge Simpson, start over.

The Christ was that.

You got a longer in there.

Hold on, Babe Ruth, read it again.

Story number one.

Are you ready for the first story of the night?

Yeah, it was 1996.

Give me another Marborg.

I would like to apologize.

I I lost my voice a little, but I'm going to power through it tonight.

Yes.

What a chick move.

What a chick move.

You don't call it your own bravery,

but I'm going to forge through because no one else could possibly read these.

Story number one.

I once gave 100% of the money I owned to a prostitute.

I mean, I swear to God, I almost submitted this exact story.

Am I allowed to claim a story even if it's not mine?

I mean, I feel like most guys who have been with prostitutes have been here in this exact moment.

100%?

100% of the money.

It's my money.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This early in the game.

Now, I don't think it's Lewis because I think every time he's seen a prostitute, it was 100% of his money.

Jay has probably shorted most of them.

Half Jewish, I guess.

Sure.

I think I have an advantage here because I've been watching Jim and Brian since I was a pup, and I'm just some guy to them.

I like that you say

pup.

I think Callan

would make a big deal about the money thing.

I think he wouldn't dip that low frequently.

No, Callan's not Jewish.

No, but I'm very generous.

But a lot of times,

prostitutes?

No, but then they go, what's going on with your shoulders?

And this one's on the house and that stuff.

So then I end up just, I say, I'll give you, let me pay you something.

At least that's how it always ends up.

Let me pay you something.

And then we end up just doing what you were doing.

And I'm like, all right.

Here's the thing.

I know.

We must go to this point.

I'm going to praise Tim because Brian is good looking.

No offense.

No, but like, you're one of those guys who wouldn't probably want to pay for his sex because you're like a guy who got laid a lot.

Tim, you're very quiet.

So I think that you would fall into the love bug.

And I'm not hot like you.

I get it.

I appreciate that.

Sarcasm ignored.

Thank you, Tim.

All lie.

But no, because I know that's not my story.

So I'm going to guess that this might be

Tim or Jay.

Tim's been with his wife since fucking like

processes.

And did you ever ask how he met her?

The minute I got married, I was like, what?

What, girls?

That's fair.

So look, here's the deal.

All right.

This story is Jim, me, or Big J.

Let's get real.

All right.

Okay.

Sometimes a girl needs help with her rent.

Does that count?

Well, Tim, what's your argument for nursing?

What's your argument for Callan?

He'd care about the money.

Yeah, I think he's probably got enough money that it seems ridiculous to him when it's like, you probably have to hit a coin star first.

You know what I mean?

Shit, yeah.

What am I going to do?

Buy another Tesla?

I mean, I have gotten a prostitute, given her my last $200, and then been like, $200.

I shouldn't have done that.

Yeah, cheap prostitute.

She hookers.

I took money from my grandmother to get a prostitute.

She would keep quarters in a jar and I would, or a can.

She had a can.

This is fucking.

True story.

She got a hoof and a horn.

$7 and two cigarettes in Plainfield, New Jersey.

I got a prostitute.

I didn't mean to.

I was giving her a ride, and she said, also, I only have $7.

And I give her two cigarettes.

It's in the 80s that happened.

Right.

And I should be prouder of that.

And then I sucked her off.

Tim, if she had a cock, she would have got $10.

I mean, I think we, you know, a few of us on this panel have had this story.

I'm getting Big J vibes.

I'm going to say I'm getting Lewis vibes because you lived in hotels and shit.

And just like, you were living a pretty trash lip ring guy life.

I had a full-fledged prostitute addiction for a couple years.

So I will tell you right now, this has happened more than more than once.

I'm not going to let you bully me out of this like you always do.

This is a Jay movement.

It's Jay.

This is what he does.

Yeah, somehow, this is what I always do.

That's why I lose every time.

See, I'm going with...

Don't follow whatever Jay's doing.

I'm clearly a bad path to go down.

He's not wrong.

I'm going with Jim.

Because Jim, the idea behind 100% of your money means you're broke, means you have empty pockets.

So there's something about going, I don't have to give you 100% of my money, but I'm going to, because I hate myself that fucking much.

And you can tip me by spitting in my fucking mouth.

So I'm saying, Jim.

I mean, that's a really great guess.

And yeah, even though it's not me, I will, if you say me, I'm going to team up with whoever it really is and accept responsibility for the story.

I'm going to put my answer in.

Big Jay Okerson is my final answer.

Wow.

I hear the audience whispering, Lewis.

Fuck you guys.

I think it's Big Jay.

Big Jay, I think, would have fallen in love at a certain, like, and like, if you're not the, weren't always the confident guy you are now.

And I think that Jay would have been like, I love you.

Sarcasm ignored.

Thank you, Jim Norton.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number one belongs to

Big Big Jay Ogerson.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

All right.

That is correct.

Yep.

Funny enough, Jim,

to tie into something you said a minute ago, I got a job with this engineering company doing like grunt work stuff, just like counting cars and laying down weird shit just to count cars, basically.

Cards or cars?

Cars, cars, like in the road.

You were counting cars.

Yeah.

It's for engineers.

Like a retorted person.

Yeah.

It's how you break into engineering.

My autistic nephew needs a job.

Stand on the fucking shoulder of the road and sort of.

Sort of.

Sort of.

Well, what was the most cars that you counted?

Fucking cars.

I got so many cars.

That was my next question.

Let's get my next question.

Let's guess.

My next question.

You guys wouldn't even believe me.

It's so many cars.

They go to a different parking lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You could do that.

If you found one of those car carrier trucks related to it.

5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 4, 3, 5.

Then you lose track.

Just constant formulas going in my head.

No, it was just stupid, like, road work labor, essentially.

And when we were doing one of those road work things on the other side of the highway, there was a sign.

It was like massage triple.

You know, it was like a roadside whorehouse.

So you walked in smelling like asphalt and

tire dust.

Probably.

What happened was I just made a note of where we were.

This is before like cell phones and GPS and everything.

I'd made a a note where we were in my head and go, When these guys that I've just been sent out here with to do this job with, I don't know them at all, go away, I'm going to go back to this whorehouse, just see what all the hubbub's about.

Just to see.

And I went in, and it was this older, red-headed, like real freckly lady with like turquoise jewelry.

And she said,

She said, Story number one,

Enter.

No, so before I went on this trip, I was broke.

I was just like,

really?

From counting cars?

They didn't pay you well?

Yeah.

Well, they paid all right, but

I didn't have money.

I needed my grandmother gave me $200 to

just to have to get food and stuff for the couple days.

I gave adding lessons.

You should have just done what I did, steal from the old bitch.

But I went in with this to this whorehouse, and the old lady lays down and starts massaging, and then she starts grazing my dick.

And then, with no words, she goes, she goes, Do you start fucking her hand with her finger?

And I went, Yeah.

And she goes,

She goes, 300.

And I went, I don't have 300.

I count cars.

She goes, What do you have?

200.

And I gave her the first day of my food money for all the week.

And then I lied and said that the money must have flown out of my pocket because I was wearing swishy pants.

It was the 90s.

And then the guys, those strangers sent me there, had to use their expense account to buy me food all week like a child.

I respect that a lot.

Thank you.

Me too.

I wasn't thinking.

I wasn't thinking down the road.

She asked me how much money I owned.

I was like, $200.

If she was cool, she would have been like 80.

Like, she would have seen that I was a fucking rube.

Yeah, but you should have just said $140.

Right.

Yeah.

It was such an easy lie to tell.

She was taking whatever at 18 years old.

I wasn't savvy with hoes.

It's right there, right in the middle.

I didn't see players' ball yet.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, all right.

On the board.

On the scoreboard, leading our little scary

quiz show.

I'll tell you, boys and ghouls.

That story was long and boring.

The voice is familiar, I'm not going to lie.

Could you just say, Jim, close your eyes, I have candy for your mouth?

Alex, where are our points at?

On the scoreboard with two points each.

Louis Jay Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, and Jim Norton.

Oh,

because Jay fooled people.

He fooled two people, so we got two points.

You got it, Jim.

Yeah, all right.

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Yo Kratom for supporting today's show.

We love Yo Kratom.

Long-time sponsors for everything here at Gas Digital.

I bought 100 kilos.

I'm going to have a kilos, dude.

I'm walking around with major weight.

$6,000.

Yeah, I mean, we love your Kratom.

They've been with us for a very, very long time.

The marquee sponsors for SkankFest and Gas Digital.

And they're the home of the best deal possible on the internet, a $60 kilo of Kratom.

Well, I got to tell you, now that I've bought 100 kilos, I will be selling them out of my car for $55, but they are cut a little bit with some baby powder.

Nice.

Baby laxative, you shit.

More baby laxative.

So I want you to shit when you think you're about to almost do heroin.

We're not telling you to get started with Kratom.

We're saying that if you're already using Kratom and you know the benefits of it, get it from yourkratom.com.

The problem's here.

You might as well invite the devil in, you know?

All right, where were we?

All right, Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

I faked a stomach virus on a three-day trip with my friends so I could hide in a rest stop bathrooms edging to dirty pics from a girl I was hooking up with.

Which of the seven deadly sins is this?

Is it all of them?

Three of them.

Just lust, lust.

Is it every deadly sin?

I fate to start.

I mean, it's lust for sure.

Hide in a rest stop bathrooms

edging to dirty pics?

What does that mean?

Jerking, like kind of jerking and stopping.

Jerking and stopping.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

How much, first of all, you got high testosterone.

I'm like, every, every rest stop.

But it's also cell phone, too.

This is like, you know, it's somebody who from the last X amount of years, this is not 1991 with fucking Polaroids.

No one's jerking off.

It's like rifling through a cell phone.

I say work backwards from Lewis.

How could this not be him?

If we get him out of it, then I have no fucking clue.

Is the end of that story hepatitis?

What do you think?

I would fake a stomach virus to jerk off.

That's ridiculous.

I would just say, hey, guys, I'm going to go jerk off in the bathroom over there.

Actually, knowing Lewis, you might just leave the conversation without saying anything.

No, it's on a three-day trip, like driving trip.

I got to stop, guys.

And you can say you got to stop because you have to shit, and then you go jerk off.

A three-day trip with my friend.

So, all right, so here's what I'll tell you.

I've never taken a three-day trip ever in my entire life.

This is like speaking such definitions, and you have no idea.

What do you mean?

Every time you do this, somebody goes, I took a three-day trip with you.

You go, oh, well, sure they want.

Yeah, but I.

I didn't jerk off on that one.

No,

I've never taken a road trip.

I mean, I could be on the road doing comedy, but that's not a three-day trip.

He's getting serious.

He's not having fun with it anymore.

He's being angry.

You guys would be like, I got to go jerk off.

No.

And then

Tim is.

Who would stop?

Yeah, that's true.

I guess you wouldn't stop.

No, you'd have to say that.

Who would fake a stomach virus?

I'm going with Callum because, again, a good-looking guy wouldn't just admit, like, hey, I'm going to go jerk off on a toilet.

Like, that's something you would expect from myself or Jay or Lewis.

But, Brian, I'm going to say it was you.

I think it was you.

Really?

Yeah.

Fuck, that I'd stop every.

toilet.

You were Lewis.

Lewis got angry at me.

I mean, I could see it being Jim in a heartbeat.

Me too.

Jim's a little pervert.

No way.

Jim really understood the definition of edging.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

He gave you a textbook straight up out of the fucking Webster's dictionary definition of edging.

Edging.

Edging sounds like a different kind of masturbation, like where you jerk off down like this, but you get in a crab and just jerk straight down.

You use your elbows.

Yeah.

I even understand the edging green.

I'm gonna edge and a girl i was hooking up with girl is in parentheses so

quotes

hey that's

you're reading into that

also i'm trying to i'm trying to think if are we thinking this is cell phone pictures or polaro

it's not polaroid it's not polaroid doesn't make cell phone pictures and i'm just trying to think of a time where

like norton would be on a three-day road trip in a time where there was like

do you know what i mean like like accessibility accessibility with really good pictures, like porn pictures on your phone.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

Sure.

I almost feel the same way.

I almost think I fought of it for that reason.

Anything I would be on a three-day driving trip for would be comedy related.

And it was never in a time where I would have a good picture to jerk off to at a rest stop in a phone.

Grainy at best.

Because the picture was forbidden.

Unless it was like a girl with a dick.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

I wouldn't need to go into a rest area for that.

I mean, that's not exactly a secret.

You go to a restaurant areas.

that comes to you.

Tim, you're kind of a

sensible haircut,

and you're a nice family man.

So I feel like, you know, that would be something that you'd like to do.

You think I'm getting picked from hooking up to you?

Well, if you're a quiet deviant, you can't show it.

But I would believe that you have

a kind of a temperamental tummy.

Right?

For sure.

Yeah,

it would be actual diarrhea if it was my size.

I ate Indian food.

I'm not into spicy food, right?

Right, right.

Does that make sense?

That makes plenty of sense.

I gotta say, I think Tim, though, possibly being a guy who would go on a three-day trip with friends, that's very you.

Like, let's just go fucking see the desert or whatever.

I'm such a great fucking hang.

It's crazy.

Oh, and you're not trying to do it.

Do you want to go watch the stars?

Anything you do with that guy?

He's such a blast.

And you might, and you,

yeah, I could see this very much being Tim for that reason.

Just remind you, Tim wasn't hooking up.

Tim's been with his wife for a long time.

I've been married 20 years.

20 years.

That's why he'd have to go into the bathroom and fake the stomach because his fucking wife is in the car.

He's not going to ruin his relationship with his wife for story words.

No, it's going to be a fucking great bit on a podcast.

Trust me.

We'll talk about it later.

She's like, I just got over it.

What is your fucking problem?

I can see Callan's a good-looking dude, you know, high school, college athlete.

That's the type of shit where you go, dude, we're going to go cross-country.

I get the most pussy.

I don't even jerk off.

That kind of guy, you know?

Guys, hear me out.

Hear you out.

This is a three-day trip with friends.

This is right after high school school when he just started dating.

That's what I'm saying.

His now wife, I'm saying, it's new.

Like, this is, this is,

we're thinking this is a much dirtier story than it is, sort of like a cute, adorable thing of a long-term couple that is.

Jerking off in a

restaurant bathroom is a cute, adorable story.

Edging, edging, edging, and

edging.

Edging.

And it's, yeah, it's actually nice.

He missed her so much.

Like, guys, I got to look at her.

And this would make her feel fantastic if she heard this.

And unlike most of us, he's going, I'm going to marry this girl.

Yes.

I've been married before cell phones had cameras.

I've convinced myself.

I'm thinking this is Norin or Callan.

What's that?

You're right.

Norin or Callan.

You're absolutely right.

It is one of us.

I'm not above it, but.

I think Jay went way too aggressively at Lewis in the beginning.

I'm going Jay.

Dude, two Jay stories in a row had two in a row to open with.

I'd be like,

that would happen to me, though, on the one hand.

The giveaways, Jim knew what edging was i i know i my whole jerk came off habit was edging i love to edge i love what is the difference it's when you don't let yourself come you just spend hours and hours wishing that you're differently oh yeah

you just wish you didn't blink so much and all these things yes

i gotta change

it

you can't change it i'll stick with tim jim norton is my answer ah dude i'm gonna edge that's so fucking romantic i'm about to bust but i'm not gonna

yeah because i'm gonna save it for you.

I have high blood pressure.

Tim, I think that's why you twitch so much.

You're just fucking edging too much

all the time.

Like, if I just came, I would not, ah, I blink normally, but I'm fucking.

Yeah, that's almost, almost,

that's amazing.

Alex, locked in.

No wonder your stomach hurt.

All of her answers are in.

Story number two belongs to Tim Butterly.

Wow.

Did I basically tell the story?

Yeah, I mean, no, this is actually like three years years ago.

What?

Here's the reveal.

The girl I was looking at, I was my wife.

I didn't want to put my fucking wife in the thing.

Yeah, sure.

It also sounds way gayer.

Jerking off to your wife is the gayest thing a guy can do.

Yeah, that is.

I challenge that.

I accept.

I think sucking a dick and jerking to your wife are neck and neck.

I sent my wife a dick pic, but it was soft.

It was after like a run.

She just sent a barf emoji back.

So that was hot.

Stink lines.

You know, so we have to be a little bit more.

That's your edging.

No, I was at a music festival with my homies.

They actually, oh, shit, they don't know this story.

They might be finding this out right now.

I was fine, guys.

But no, in the hotel and the 14-hour drive back, I was just like, I'll be back, guys.

Give me a minute.

Did you have to stay?

And I was texting my wife, like, babe, you got any more?

That's so.

Did you have any Daniel Day?

Did you like Daniel Day-Lewis?

Like, everywhere you guys went and they stopped you hungry, you had to go, I don't think I'll be able to keep anything down.

I'll get, I'll get you guys in the parking lot.

I mean, yeah, every, yeah, I kept up the charade the whole time, and I was like swollen with seed.

So, you were edging, you were edging, but you were a three-day edge.

So, you weren't, you weren't losing it, you were just holding it.

I was holding it in the were you holding it for on purpose.

It would have been easier to hold my breath for that long.

Was the sin lying then?

Uh, so much, no, no it's lust what's no it's like getting high right edging like that like you keep you keeping yourself on that fucking like that that rock jim we get it you're edge no i mean no i jim i don't usually get to talk to people about this i know i've never seen jim more excited about a word now you gotta you gotta take take his online workshop it's great can an older gentleman speak to his young charge

edge

yeah you really suffer and then the release my god yeah sexual discipline

you're in the clouds

You guys are doing regular come.

You have no idea what I'm even talking about, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, Alex, where are our points at after two stories?

All right, on the scoreboard.

Jesus, come on, Alex.

At this point, are you kidding at this point?

With two points each: Louis J.

Gomez, Tim Butterly, Brian Callen, and Jim Norton.

Okay.

I don't even hear.

What?

And in the lead with four points.

You hear me now, right, Jay?

Yeah, big Jay Ogerson.

Early lead, solid reading of the panel, Jay.

Very impressed.

I'm not getting excited.

Yeah, today's your day.

Shut up.

Jay, today is your day.

Shut up, dude.

This is an insurmountable lead, Jay.

Hold on to this, you know?

Alex, do one of my stories next.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three:

Skizzap, Scooba, Appley Bob, Bosey, Bozy Bob, Middy Bob, Middy Bob,

Homala Zibal, Bibble, Bibble, Hummel, Zibble, Bibble, Bib.

On two occasions, I was chased out of black neighborhoods

while attempting to act black.

On two occasions, parents.

Not one, but two.

That means someone got caught stealing twice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Didn't learn his lesson the first time.

I think this is Lewis because he thinks he's a chameleon both directions, but both directions don't like him.

They both call him Uncle Tom the other direction.

Jay, you were actually a wigger growing up.

So was Tim, right?

Time to go to the middle of the Tim.

Did you have some wiggerdom in your life?

There's wiggers in my family for sure.

Yeah.

I come from a long line of workers' comp wiggers.

I actually found out I was 75% Ashkenazi wigger.

Callan's a great actor, so I can see him trying to fucking get down with black people and fucking research.

Give me a little black voice, Callan.

So racist.

No, No, it wasn't.

That wasn't the working thing.

I said when someone does a sketch and he just starts with a circle and the cross.

I have to go, Jay, just because you're the only guy I know who was really dressing like that, like in comedy.

Yeah.

Like, I remember you from those days.

The problem with this story not being me is I have never been chased out of a neighborhood because he won't run.

Yes.

No.

Well, maybe it was chased.

C-H-A-S-T.

They didn't want me there.

They said they want fat white chicks.

Yeah.

You had to be kind of fast, right?

You were chased.

That's what I'm saying.

I wasn't chasing faster than black.

My friends.

It could be a car.

Could be cars and you were coming.

My friends would run.

And then the problem was I couldn't keep up with them.

And then the people behind chasing us were getting closer to me as I was getting further from them.

And then I would eventually stop and call for them to come back.

Just be like, guys, fuck this, dude.

We ain't running.

Yeah.

Because you don't have to run faster than the bear.

You just have to run faster than your fattest wigger friend.

that's got to be on a cave wall somewhere yeah

yeah it's not lewis because lewis you would stand and fight at least one of those times you wouldn't yeah you might get beaten

i'm a badass jim jim jim bad motherfucker it's not true he won't even fight a gay australian guy what are you talking about i'm telling you this is not this could very well be a young lewis trying or even a lewis uh going to like a place he lived as an adult and being like i'll act black and they'll and they'll come at him for it.

Do you think I acted black as an adult?

Yes.

I do.

You're always late.

Shit.

You're right.

Me and my son's mother did break up.

True.

There's a, yeah, I mean, look, I don't really ever act black.

I've been trying to act white my entire life.

Yeah.

Except for those two occasions when we chased that neighborhood.

Jay, you are a card-carrying wigger.

I mean, there's just no other, even now, you're kind of turning back into your wigger.

I've never shut up, up, dude.

Shut up, dude.

It's so black.

Y'all are bugging.

Yo, come on, money grip.

Stop fucking around, money grip.

Yeah, I mean, Jay, you.

You talking that shit?

I'm going to get the biscuit out my car.

You used to wear foo boo.

You used to like one pant.

You still wear one pant lego.

Yeah, but he was doing white boy crazy.

Yeah.

He was doing white boy crazy and like dancing for them and shit and doing the robot.

He wasn't acting black.

Yeah, but that's that's acting to black people.

Look, black people aren't that smart.

No, it's also right.

I didn't really act very black.

Yeah, he was being stupid.

I dressed a part for sure.

Yeah, but this is from the black perspective, you were dressing the part that was enough acting black for them.

Well, look, if we're going by this,

I had multiple problems at several black comedy clubs while attempting to act black for sure

in those scenarios.

I'm sure by the time I got off stage and it was going bad, I had already ditched what I thought was funny and started doing like the, why people stupid?

You ever see a mother?

You ever look at a motherfucking shoe when he's taking a doo-doo?

And

I would fall right into that, no problem.

But yeah, I was never.

I was chased out of a black neighborhood while dressed as Winnie the Pooh.

But that wasn't trying to act black at all.

Those glasses.

Those glasses help you blend in.

Callan, no, if you were black, it would have been Winnie the Pookie.

Winnie the Pookie.

Callan, could this be you?

It's a good question.

I do a good 70s black guy.

Let me hear the 70s black guy.

What it is, little mama.

All right, all right.

See how I do that?

That's my motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah, it's my mother.

That's like Callan style.

No, I don't think so.

I hate to keep on voting for Big J, but I'm giving my vote for Big J.

Everybody vote for Lewis.

I swear to God, it's him right now.

Guaranteed.

Guaranteed.

Yeah.

Guaranteed.

Callan,

you're wasting your vote.

Jim?

Okay.

Jim?

Wow.

Big J-O Gristie.

I know it is.

I got Lewis because I think he was probably pretty fast when he was younger and he was able to run.

I was slower.

You can believe it.

Were you?

Yeah.

All right.

Fat kid, always a metalhead.

Fat kid, I was an eyeliner, long purple hair.

I would have chased you out of my neighborhood.

Oh, what are you just saying?

Tim.

Tim, you're a fool.

Am I a fool?

You look at a bad place, right?

Yes.

Amongst white trash, I was.

Right, but then

I got chased by white kids for being the black kid in in the neighborhood.

Yeah, and then you would you took me to the black neighborhood to buy weed and you got chased by the baby.

Tammy, Timmy, Timmy.

You're wasting stupid muscle.

Big Jay is fucking.

Oh, he's cleaning up on this.

This is not me.

No.

Oh, it's fucking Callan.

God damn it.

It's Callan.

God damn it.

Alex.

Come on now.

It's not Callan.

Come on, now.

Alex, whose story was this?

This story belongs to

Jim Norton.

Jim Norton.

No way.

No way.

Jim Norton

acting black.

Oh, fucking perfect.

That's okay.

There it is.

There it is.

Did you laugh?

Would you run away when you were laughing?

Ladies and gentlemen, I was the white kid who wanted to be black long before it was fashionable.

Fat Shelto Adidas with the fat laces, zero sense of identity.

One time I got chased out.

Me and my buddy Eddie were on,

I forget the

George Street in New Brunswick, buying Kango hats.

And

a gang of black kids surrounded the outside of the store.

So I had to call my dad to come and pick us up.

That's how they knew you weren't black.

They beat this shit.

You all went home and like, he called him and that motherfucker came.

Walk here, mama.

Why?

The second time I was with my buddy and we were walking to the projects from North Brunswick to New Brunswick to the projects to buy crack.

And

we got, there's a place, a street called Howard Street in New Brunswick.

And we were, I had my hat and I was my little get up.

And like fucking 12 kids again chased us with sticks.

And that's when we, like, we, there's a, I, I, I was running, and the fucking kid hit me with a stick, and my friend went, leave him alone.

Oh,

dangerous.

Yeah.

So they caught you.

And they did, yo.

Yo.

But we were right on the border, so it was kind of like they just hit it and they just let us go.

Gave you a rattanning.

They sure did.

Jim just cleaned up on that round.

Holy shit.

You know.

Alex, where our score is at after three stories

on the scoreboard with two points.

Alex, you can go home.

I mean, I feel bad for you right now.

Lock out, dude.

You too.

Okay.

I had some soup.

Yeah.

She does sound like Biden.

Yeah.

Why don't you just go buy yourself a Mercedes-Benz?

God damn me.

Fuck.

Janice Joplin joke.

Boo.

Asshole Jim.

I should have done mom's maple and they would have kicked me out of that neighborhood.

Oh, I fall victim to the over their head reference so long.

Have you guys ever sold Space Camp?

With two points each, Luis J.

Gomez, Tim Butterly, and Brian Callen.

With four points, Big Jay Ogerson.

And in the lead with six points, Jim Norton.

Hey, sweep a rope.

Come on, guys.

Hey, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Brunt Workwear for supporting today's show.

We love shut the fuck up, sir.

Oh!

What do you guys hate work boots?

Go ahead, Lewis.

Tell them about work boots.

We love Brunt Workwear.

They have incredible boots.

I'll tell you right now, I wear them all the time.

I don't go on like a job site.

They just feel and look great.

But if you guys are working in nine-to-five in construction or fucking roofing or whatever the else fucking real men do, Brunt Workwear has got you covered.

Dude, I saw you swimming these shits last night.

They're amazing.

Straight out of the box, these things are comfier than my couch.

Most boots feel you have to break them in.

You got the fucking rough exterior.

It takes a long time.

The bottom of your foot hurts.

Brunt, it's like they hug the feet from day one, just like your favorite pair of old sneakers.

Yeah, they truly are incredible.

They have the waterproof safety toe.

They have the six-inch soft toe.

They have so many different styles, genuinely fucking incredible.

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Be the construction worker in your local fucking YMCA cover band.

All right, where were we?

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

One time, in a moment of extreme anger, I threw a turkey sandwich at my roommate.

It was my sandwich and I ate it anyway.

I can't keep on voting for Big Jay, but I need to.

You got it.

I need to do that.

The roommate was Kurt Metzger.

Jay would not let a sandwich go.

Is Lewis.

He's so arguing.

Lewis knows for a fact I wouldn't eat a turkey sandwich off the floor.

There's no chance.

No chance.

Are you a germaphobe?

No, it's just, yeah, I mean, if that's what it takes, if that's what you call a germaphobe, I guess so, yes.

I don't want to eat food off the floor.

Call me a germaphobe.

I guess me and Howie Mandel will get some sort of medication.

Yeah.

And so I cannot scoff at the idea of eating floor food.

It's either a Lewis or Brian, because, again, that's an act of like aggressively throwing a sandwich at a roommate.

That seems like something that either Brian or

Lewis would do in a moment of anger.

Like two guys who would do that, I think.

If I was going to get physical with my roommate.

I would just fight him.

I wouldn't waste my sandwich.

I'm not gonna throw a fucking sandwich at the guy.

Yeah.

Yes, you would.

All right, fine.

No, not you.

Not you, Brian.

I don't know.

I don't know that of you, but Lewis would throw anything at anybody.

I'm not a thrower.

He never played sports.

He told me last night.

That's true.

I never.

You know what I mean?

I wouldn't have hit him with it.

I would have missed.

You did a rugby throw, like those Europeans.

Well, I assume you missed them and it fell, and then you ate it anyway.

You know what I mean?

Like, yeah, this is.

I mean, what?

So

you must have hit him with the turkey sandwich and got great satisfaction.

Your anger left you, and then you went, fucking, this is what I thought.

And then you put it back together.

You see how insightful that is?

He understands what that experience was.

It's a broke move.

And then just, yeah.

It's a broke move for sure.

It's Brian.

I think everyone here at one point was broke.

Brian, were you ever broke?

No.

Sorry.

My father refused to pay my credit card bill once,

but then he relented after I cried.

Tim is not an angry guy.

Tim's not going to get into, like, he's not going to lose his cool like that.

No, I would eat off the floor.

Yeah.

You're going to be eating off the floor this whole week, probably.

Tim,

this isn't Tim at all.

It's either me or Brian.

I think you would know more about the sandwich if it was mine.

I think this is Brian.

This is Brian or Big Jay.

What do you mean?

Is that acting like this couldn't be?

I think it's Brian.

It couldn't.

What do you, Jay?

You have anger problems, and I don't want to keep on pointing it out, but you're, you know, they call you Big Jay Ergerson for a reason.

Yeah.

Yeah, because

you eat sandwiches.

Because my other friend who was shorter than me was named Little Jay.

You thought it was fat all this time?

I mean,

it rests on the fact that you picked it back up and ate it.

So I know.

Okay, admittedly, it looks like, oh,

Jay's the guy who we can picture most diving to the floor

for castaway floor food.

Or you're lucky.

To make sure we get to eat it.

It's floor food, you fucking asshole.

You're lucky.

That's Lewis.

It's Lewis.

It's broke.

It's broke, Bruce.

Absolutely.

Lewis would throw it because he's angry.

This is not Alpha pick it up like Ollie

on you.

Yes.

Don't

a thousand times, yes.

Jay is fooling you right now.

No, no, no.

Lewis, shut up.

I would not eat a turkey sandwich off the floor.

Yes, you would.

You would.

You would, would, you piece of shit.

I wouldn't.

You're a vagrant, an animal.

No.

This is not extreme anger for Lewis, number one.

Number two, there's something very bratty about it was my sandwich, and I'm hearing it in Callan's voice.

Like, it was my sandwich.

You don't know me.

I'm not Bratty.

It was my.

Fuck you.

I'm not even Bratty, Tim.

You're being a dick right now.

You stomped your foot.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not.

I'm eating it anyway because it is my.

You go fucking edge in a bathroom.

It has to be Big J at one point if I just keep on picking his name.

I'm picking you again because it's you, dude.

You're Tony in.

Ah, it's either Callan or Jay.

Yeah.

Audience thinks it's Callan.

I hear them whispering.

I have a combination.

God damn it.

I'm going Brian Callan just because if it's Jay, I'm going to be so pissed.

I one time edged at my roommate and ate it off before.

I like the same thing.

Now that's better.

Fucking here come the white worms.

Brian Callan's in my boat.

Yeah.

I got Big Jay.

Callan, huh?

This This is fucking amazing.

I'm a sandwich thrower.

I was going to go with Callum, but now I'm going to go with him.

You calm down.

You fucking calm down.

He's freaking out, guys.

Doing your sensible fucking haircut.

Who'd you go at Lewis?

I'm bad with Burns.

Yeah, I want Lewis.

You're an idiot, Jim.

I know.

Everybody's in.

That story belongs to Lewis, Jay Gomez.

Jay's on fire right now.

Yeah, it was my roommate Forrest.

Wait a minute.

Hold Hold on.

Don't get me started.

Did his mom have the cancer?

Yeah, no, we got into a huge, we were roommates, we got into a huge argument, and I didn't, I wanted to punch him so badly, but I had a turkey, big turkey sandwich in my hand, and I fucking douched him right in the chest, and it exploded.

It didn't just like hit, it didn't go boom and then hit the floor.

It wasn't wraps.

It exploded everywhere.

And it's worse than you think.

I literally picked up the ingredients of the sandwich and I remade my turkey sandwich.

Yeah, I remade the sandwich with all of the floor ingredients.

Did you rinse it off?

No, I didn't rinse it off.

I had no money.

You didn't have running water?

It was my.

Who's money?

You're going to wash bread and turkey?

I would absolutely wash the turkey at least.

That's psychotic.

You got to just eat it.

He's got to eat it.

Yeah.

I'm wrong.

Yeah.

Washington.

Washing a sandwich is crazy.

Why?

It's already, it's been a while.

What was in that weed?

That's crazy.

Everyone's like, Jay, where did you get your stupid ideas from?

I'm sure Lewis scrubs.

Like a little floor turkey.

Washing a sandwich is crazier than eating it off the floor.

It is, yeah.

No one washes it.

The sandwiches are not waterproof.

The turkey, at least.

Nah.

Nah.

I would dabbling.

I can't believe this is an argument between

five adults.

Yes.

Scrape it.

You could scrape it.

You scrape it.

You pick little pieces of hair off of it.

Yeah, and also don't be a pussy.

Just eat the fucking sandwich.

Absolutely.

A piece of tooth.

It's got mint from his shirt.

I just kissed it up to God.

Alex, where our score is at?

In last place with two points each.

Tim Butterly and Brian Kemp.

I haven't slept in six days.

In third place with four points,

Luis J.

Gomez.

A polite little golf applause.

That's nice.

In second place with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

And in the lead with eight points,

Jim Norton.

Effortless.

It's just a winner.

The kid's a winner.

We are halfway through our game right now.

That means we're going to do some plugs.

We're going to go around the table real quick.

Then obviously we have four more stories after the shim.

What are you plugging, my friend?

I just started a turkey sandwich washing company.

Do they come to you or you got to go to them?

They do in-calls.

I have a special on YouTube now.

It's called, I keep forgetting what I named it.

Fuck.

Do you have that, Alex?

Unconceivable.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, unconceivable.

Good marketing.

Good morning.

It's a real marketing machine.

No, it's a mental block I'm making.

You like Mr.

Beast.

I have a special on YouTube, and I'm very happy with it.

So I hope people like it.

I have a podcast.

Just search for special.

So that's it.

Unconceivable.

Okay, it's good.

Thank you.

Oh, come on.

Come on.

Brandon.

I'm going to be at the Brayton Improv July 5th, day after July 4th.

So

yeah, make sure you get out there.

It should be a lot of fun on a Saturday after the fireworks go off.

And I have a special coming out that I shot here about three months ago called False Gods.

Oh, yeah.

But it's not there yet, but it's coming.

Butterly.

Check out my podcast, Dab Me, Tim Butterly's Show.

I'll be at Dead Crow Comedy in Wilmington, North Carolina, June 27th and 28th.

I'll love to see you there.

Tim Butterly.com for tickets.

Thank you very much.

Big Jay Okerson.

Out of breath.

Bigjaycomedy.com for all my dates.

Look for a city near you on the Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

It's a great tour name, by the way.

Peter North American.

North American Orchers.

I don't want to call my special American boner.

But I chickened out.

All right.

Yeah, but I'm seeing me on the road to tour.

Sorry.

Watch my specials, them and they.

Both crowdwork specials available right now on YouTube.

Make sure you check those out.

And listen to the Bonfire with me and Robert Kelly on Faction Talk Series XM 103.

And of course, the legendary Legion of Skanks right here at Guest Digital Network.

Thank you, Nazis.

Come see me on the road.

Also, July 4th weekend, I'll be in Atlantic City, the 5th and the 6th.

That's the weekend before I film my next special in Tampa, Florida.

The special taping is sold out for Saturday night.

You can still get tickets for Thursday and Friday, July 10th and 11th, Tampa side splitters.

A lot of other dates coming up.

Go to my website, Lewisofskanks.com.

Obviously, check out all the other pods that I do, including Legion of Skanks and the Regs.

And you guys should go pre-order my book.

I just wrote a book, and it's called Knives and Spoons.

You can get it on Amazon right now.

And if you love this show, the uncensored and ad-free version is available exclusively for subscribers to the Gas Digital Network, GastDigital.com.

We pre-release the episodes.

They come out every Monday night before they go anywhere else.

Plus, we have thousands of hours of content that is not available anywhere else, all uncensored, all ad-free on the one and only GasDigital.com.

Use that promo code WAR, and you save $1.50 a a month on your premium membership.

What's the name of your book?

Knives and Spoons.

Knives and Spoons.

Yeah, because my mother.

I don't care why.

Jim?

There's nobody more diabolical

and evil than Jim North.

He's waiting for the movie to come out.

Case reading.

I'm glad God gave you aid.

He's confident in playing for keeps because he wants Fierce Love by Reverend Dr.

Jackie Lewis.

Reverend Dr.

Jackie Lewis combines theology, activism, and raw memoir.

Fierce Love challenges readers to reimagine justice through the lens of love.

Dr.

Lewis offers nine core principles to guide a more compassionate life, touching on race, sexuality, forgiveness, edging, and community.

With her signature warmth and clarity, she argues that choosing fierce love is the most radical and necessary act in a divided world.

Damn.

And also, Tim, you're probably feeling.

Oh, also, Brian, you guys probably just feel like pieces of shit or shit need to come out.

Sure, sure, but you're probably feeling pretty low.

Like, you can't crawl out of this and you came here for fucking nothing.

What's this for again?

We got the book.

Yeah.

Fuck.

You're not far away from this book because for the final four stories, we go double points.

You guys have quite the following.

But it's really not a big deal because everyone gets 60 points.

Oh, I see.

It's a thing.

Yeah.

They got to get to the riots in a hurry.

I don't want you to lose sight of what was said, Brian, because of all that hubbub.

But

whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got a point.

And if you guessed somebody right, you got two points.

Now you get Tim.

They give you twice as many.

In other words,

DP.

Jim's your internal monologue again.

I'm abstaining from saying the phrase.

I'm going on a DP fast

because I believe in myself and I refuse to accept the kind of treatment you guys gave me.

Wow.

I'm the Nelson Mandela of

DP Tantra.

I have a new special ad.

It's called Double Points.

Wow, I hate hate that.

It depresses me.

Makes me fucking, my stomach hurts.

Alex, oh man, it gave me.

It's like me a favor.

Alex, why don't you growl out story number five?

She died

about three minutes ago.

Yeah.

She's got teeth.

She's got consumption.

Yes.

Yes.

We got Fudgie the Whale.

Tom Corvelle.

Anybody over 50 from New Jersey?

I was on a hike with a sexy woman.

Now I walk tonight wearing her skin.

I was on a hike with a sexy woman.

I was on a hike with a

sexy woman who was walking ahead of me showing her underwear.

Just then, I needed to take an emergency shit.

In a panic, I ran the wrong way and pooped further down the path.

That was a Brian Cowell.

This is hot guy shit.

This is, yep.

Yep.

There's a hike.

I don't fucking hike.

I'm not going to take a girl on a hike.

Not after that.

Yeah, that's a beta move.

I'm not going to go, hey, do you want to go on a hike?

The only people who've ever been on hikes here are you and Tim Butterly.

Yeah,

that's what I'm doing.

And this is also going to be Tim Butterly's wife.

Describing his

sexy woman.

Sexy woman is what is such a sexy woman.

I'm going Tim.

So you're saying you agree?

Because she would love to hear that, wouldn't you?

No, Mary Joe's hot as fuck.

Let's go.

Well, by the way, he has a delicate tummy, as you know, so.

Yeah, but Tim wouldn't put in two log stories.

I think this is a Callan move.

Jim, good-looking guy, had to fucking took a pretty girl on a hike, and then all of a sudden had to shit and race right back down the hill, and they stepped in it on the way down.

I'm going to say.

it says it says

I ran the wrong way and pooped further down the path.

What does that mean?

Does that mean they went this way?

They went toward.

I don't know what does it mean, Brian?

Callan, you're out of your mind.

Callan, you're saying you've never been on a hike?

I mean, I've been taking a girl

on a hike forever.

Give it a give it a give it a give it a give it.

Hey,

you're just super stoked on physical fitness?

Why would you do that?

I mean, you're from L.A., there's canyons,

there's places to hike, there's hot women, there's sexy women.

All right, I'm going Tim Butterly.

Yeah, I'm going with Brian.

Babe, I'll be right back.

I have to go Edge.

It's probably Norton, but I'll go with Callan.

No, I don't think Norton said Callan.

I would have taken a shit and then let her write.

Mud pie.

Or I would have just gotten it on my dick.

Hey,

why did I have to do it?

This could be butterly.

It's written like it's butterly.

That's my issue right here.

But it's another lust story, another story about his wife.

A sexy woman.

A sexy lady.

There's a duty story.

He's very respectful.

Is this lust, though?

Yeah, why are all of your sins with your wife?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's just what we get into there.

They're into scat.

Guys, who do we think this is?

No, that's Brian.

Don't guess me and waste it.

Well, I guess guess me and get it wrong.

Callan.

This is California shit.

Lewis.

Might be Lewis.

I've never been on a hike in my entire fucking life.

Yeah.

Me?

And he shits his pants.

Who takes somebody on a hike for a date?

That's you because you were courting your lady.

Right?

Tim would take his wife on a hike for a date, unquestionably.

100%.

For sure.

And I have done this on hikes with her.

Thank you.

But this is not my story.

Oh, shit.

At one time, we were hiking in Oregon, and I was ankle deep in water, and I said, hey, watch the path for me.

I'm about to unload.

There you go.

And I went through some bushes to what I thought was like a little clearing.

No one would see.

It turns out it was a secondary path.

And as I heard footsteps approaching in the dirt, I tried to finish up really quickly.

I cut the log.

It went into my shoes and all down the back of my pants.

And when I got,

this is a different story.

I went back to my wife and I went into ankle-deep water and I sat down.

I was trying to splash the

shit off of my legs.

And she went, oh my God, did you shit?

So

this is not my story

that's a good head fake great it's a great

story thanks jim that's an awesome appreciate you dude why the dilly dally

i don't think an emergency shit would take lewis off of pussy

not me and i have outside sorry

i should have pexponded i should have pex pond one time i had to shit so badly and then i i wiped it with my socks and then i i threw my socks in the pond yeah

do you know one time I had to shit so badly, I had on satin shorts and no underpants.

No, I had underpants, but I had to shit in the yellow jackets.

I wore satin shorts.

I would have left them alone, man.

I just liked satin shorts.

This is what you did right after trying to act black.

You moved on the satin shorts.

I wonder why you got chased out of the neighborhood.

Hey, you guys.

Well, it feels pretty good in the do-rag.

I might as well try.

All right, if you're going to make fun, I'm not going to tell you.

I gotta go to HM and they gotta

sale on satin shorts.

Fucking satin shorts.

I'm glad you guys are having fun.

That's good.

I try to open up.

And you, what is your book about?

I'm serious.

Why did you name it that?

Tim Butterly is my answer.

Callan answered too fast to Tim.

Jim, you will never know.

Alex, all of our stories, answers are in.

Story number five belongs to

Brian Callan.

God damn it.

God damn it.

I'm back.

You hiking LA LA homo.

I know.

And

I had to shit now, not like in a minute, right now.

And I went, I looked at her and went, ah, and I like pretending I was going to scare her.

And I ran, fucking, I ran, but I didn't run backwards.

I ran that way and I shat.

And then I could hear coming.

She goes, what are you doing?

I go, woo!

And

she came out and I went, oh, like that.

I was going to scare her, but I went ah in her face.

So she didn't look down.

I was kicking dust.

And then we fucking, I was was like, holy shit, you know, that's one of those things like I have an amoeba or something.

And we kept walking.

And then I had to shit now,

again, now, not in a couple seconds.

And I went, ah, and I ran again

and I shat again.

And then I, and I, I fucking was hiding.

And I was, and I, and, and she was like, what are you doing?

You're trying to scare me.

And then I did it again.

I fucking scared her again.

The third time, she goes, are you sick?

And I said, I think so.

And then we had to walk back through the minefield.

And I swear to God, as we were walking, I went like this.

It was so awkward.

I liked her so much.

She was, it doesn't matter, but I went.

And then there was a bird.

It wasn't even, it was a shitty bird.

And I went, that's an eagle.

Look right there.

And she was looking up and she goes, that's not an eagle.

I go, that is an eagle.

That's a small eagle.

They have small fucking come up with some fucking ornithology.

Anyway, it didn't go well.

I didn't get late.

And I had

I tried to wash my ass in the sink at the hiking place.

It's a bad story.

It's a fucking great story.

That's a fucking

made-for-TV movie.

I fucking love that.

There's a shitting ghost on the path.

Yep, yep.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

What are our scores looking like, Alex?

On the scoreboard in last place with four points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Brian Callen.

Getting my dick kicked in here.

Boy, that's rough.

It's all right.

I'm figuring it out.

I'm figuring this game out.

In third place with six points, Tim Butterly.

That's cute.

In second place with 10 points, Big J.

Okerson.

Not too excited.

And in the lead with 12 points, Jim Norton.

Yo, it's Luis Jay Gomez and Big Jay Okerson bringing the madness on Story Wars, the sickest game show podcast around.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number six.

Story number six: The journey to the dark side.

Strike me down.

Unleash your anger.

I once got caught staring at a woman in a bikini at the pool, and she screamed at me.

Jesus.

Can I claim that one too?

I want that story.

I like that.

Louis?

No.

what was it?

Yeah, I think that was probably Jim.

You're probably right.

I've been quite staring.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you're such a sweet human being, but when you're staring.

Yeah, it's ugly.

Because I don't stare at the breasts.

I go right through the pussy.

Yeah, you look when you're staring, you look like you're hard on small things.

You know what I mean?

You got that kind of that scowl, so I would imagine she's probably.

Yeah.

I mean, this could be Tim Tim's a sweet boy, but this could be Buddha who was younger, you know, yeah.

Here's why yeah, this is why I would think Tim, because the screaming would affect you.

You don't seem like a pervert, like you seem like a private pervert, like a guy who will edge in a bathroom.

Right.

But but but Tim doesn't, Tim isn't threatening.

This feels like this woman was

no, but I think Jim makes a great point, which is that like this is this is a story that I wouldn't even remember.

It's like, what?

Some lady screamed because I was staring at her tips.

I think that affected Tim in a way where he's like, oh, wow, this is a big deal in my life.

This could be the Norton Origin story for sure.

That's right.

She screamed at him and you fell into like a vat of something, radioactive something.

I stared at her pussy and she yelled.

And I'm like, well, no more of that.

You fire-started her pussy.

I can't come unless there's a woman screaming at me.

I'm confused.

You look like you're frowning.

Why am I not attracted to that?

You know?

Yeah, this is like a a nice guy story.

This affected this person.

Tim is a nice guy.

Jay's a nice guy, and I can imagine

a piece of shit.

What?

Well, I don't agree with that.

Thank you, Tim.

You don't know him that well.

He does.

He sees all of me.

Is the age mentioned in the story?

No.

Oh, I can't see it.

It's on the screen.

Yeah, there's no age.

Oh, okay.

Staring at a woman.

This is going to fucking wreck the vibe.

Sorry, folks.

I'm going with Jim.

This is a storyline.

This is a mistake, fucker.

See, I can see you staring at a woman not letrously, but just out of curiosity, or you're just, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

But you were like, uh-uh.

Yeah.

And then she thought,

he's looking at me for too long.

Yeah.

Although in New York, you can stare at a dude for too long and get in a fight, right?

Oh, yeah.

It depends on where you're at.

If you're making a warrior attack with a dude on the subway, you either have to fight or fuck right there.

Yeah, that's it.

Or both.

If you're on on the east coast and you're looking at somebody for too long, it's on.

It's not the 80s.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Yeah, that's true.

This was in the 80s.

Yeah.

Yeah, especially if you're caught on someone's turf.

Yeah.

Now, Jim was, now, Jim, Jim was at the pool.

I'm looking at your skin.

Thank you.

Right?

Yes.

So you don't spend a lot of time in the sun.

No, I avoid it completely.

Yeah.

This is Jim Norton, summer community pool in Jersey, looking at an older lady's camel toe.

A good guy.

I would do this.

I don't think it's weird if somebody says this was me.

That's why I think it's Jim.

I don't think it's you.

I think it's Tim.

Very possibly.

Tim.

I'm going with my instincts.

Tim Butterly.

Wow.

Really?

Nice guy, Tim.

Staring at a woman like he isn't a nice boy thing to do.

That's what every boy did.

Not Tim.

He wouldn't.

You're wrong about him.

I wish you wouldn't say these things.

Good guess, Tim.

Very smart.

All right.

Everybody's answers are in.

Alex.

That story belongs to

Jim Norton.

Fucking shit.

I told you.

I told you.

Can I ever be right?

What happened was I was about five and

it was the Jim Norton origin story.

I told you.

This is the Jim Norton story.

I was at the apartments pool with, and there was a woman.

She was dating the superintendent.

Like, no, the maintenance guy.

She was dating the maintenance.

She was all, I mean, I was five.

She was probably 30.

And in her bathing suit, I could see pubic hair sticking out the side.

And I was sitting with my friend Tony, and I go, I see hairs.

And she sits up and she goes, What did you say?

And I went, nothing.

And Tony went, he said he can see hairs.

And she goes, you little fucking pig.

And I left the pool

face first into a lifeguard's penis.

Whoa.

Now we're talking.

And he said, quick, you need oxygen.

I was like, oh.

I used to, when I was a kid, I remember finding out that if you put on goggles, you can see pubes coming out of the sides of women's bathing suits.

So if you saw an aerial shot of any pool that I was in with older women, it was just like their heads and just a fat kid like dead man floating right in front of their pussies

Like this.

Goggles on.

And by the way, the story does have a happy ending because the maintenance guy she was dating in the apartments was cutting the lawn and he pulled the lawnmower back and he cut off three of his toes.

So that is a nice ending.

Fuck that emasculating bitch.

I hope she's dead.

Yep.

That guy's a terrible lawnmower.

That's why she had that big old bush.

Jim is cleaning up today.

Alex, where are our points at?

Don't strain your voice.

All right.

In last place with four points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Put a little enthusiasm in it.

It's okay.

Can't win them all.

Next up with eight points, Brian Callum.

Ah, fucking hey.

I'm still second to last.

With 10 points.

Tim Butterly.

We're coming back.

And tied for the lead with 14 points each.

Big Jay Hilkerson and Jim Norton.

Wow.

Maybe you guys are here for the night.

Maybe you're here for the night it happened.

Alex, story number seven.

story number seven

without actually knowing how to play my instrument i made it all the way to the all-city band made up the of the best musicians from every school

this sounds like a good boy story yeah yeah

that does

And that sounds like a modest way to say that I play an instrument fluently.

I don't really know how to play, right?

Yeah, I dabble, I dick around.

Yeah,

because if I could play anything, I'd be if I could play the piano, I'd drag it to the beach.

You know what I mean?

It's the only reason you'd play an instrument is to get laid, I think.

But if you're if you love music, which you clearly do because you're a romantic,

right?

True surprise.

Yeah, the lady was like, I adore music.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Did you play in the entrance?

I adore music.

Partly, do you adore music?

He shreds a flute.

Putting you play guitar, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, I was in the all-city.

I'll see.

Jim, do you play any instruments?

I do not.

I've never played an instrument in my life.

Perfect.

This could be you.

It could be.

It absolutely could be me because maybe I would lie.

And I always did want attention, but it's not me.

I can see this being Lewis and then him bragging about it, too.

I was a drummer in a band, bro.

I was going to say, did you play school?

I did play, but I was really bad.

I just like, I wasn't good on like...

In band, you had to play that side, that side.

There was like four percussionists.

One's on the bass drum, one's on the snare drum, one's on a cymbal.

It's like retards.

Just

bad.

But that's...

Well, that was pretty convincing, Lewis.

Plus, you don't really.

You just said you don't really have to know how to play the instrument, which I can do right now.

Yeah, anybody can play a bass drum.

You just do this.

I was raised on the piano.

You were raised in the piano?

Yeah, my father used to place the piano in front of the window so I could watch the neighborhood children play through my tears.

Strength in this life, fun in the next, boy, again,

forced me to play songs just beyond my capability.

My mistakes were numerous, and with my mistakes came the bite of the rattan cane on my boy back.

Again, yes, Papa, I would say.

Don't give up on me, Papa.

He had a cruel smell.

He smelled like gunmetal and rawhide.

He had such a black moustache.

He was a Marine.

His hands were built for enforcement.

I was born with my mother's hands.

It was Callan.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Was that the birdcage?

Yes, no, it's just me.

I just don't know about it.

I'm an actor.

I studied theater for a long time.

Jay, this could be you as well.

I can't imagine Jay doing any extracurricular.

I don't, it's true.

I didn't do much.

My school didn't offer much extracurricular.

And all I played was like drum stuff, too.

Here's the thing.

If it's all city, he grew up in a city.

That's Lewis.

Tim doesn't give me city vibes.

Tim grew up in a city.

Jay grew up in a city.

I grew up in a suburbs.

What city did you grow up in?

Philadelphia.

Oh, Philly.

Yeah.

All right.

I don't get Philly from you.

Outskirts?

Thank you.

No.

No, actually, the worst part.

Oh, yeah.

Kensington.

The scariest part.

Of course, Kensington.

I love Kensington.

We used to summer there.

We have a timeshare.

I think Tim Butterly plays the guitar, but I think this is probably a different instrument.

I think that's such a bogus guess that it's you.

Yeah, I got to go with you.

Tim just cut me off because he's afraid they're going to get people to start.

That's a great point.

Tim's afraid the avalanche of truth is going to spill upon him.

Tim Butterly is my answer.

I think he was probably like saxophone.

He just faked it.

Tim's very likable.

I could see them being like, ah, just let him fucking play in the L City band.

I feel like Brian is showing us he could do impressions.

He could play fast and loose.

He improvs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You saw that?

It feels like he could schmooze his way through something like this.

Look at my fingers.

Look.

Jim's been quiet.

He has a dick in his mouth.

Well, you know, it's not yours, Rob.

He'll be talking.

That's why he's a professional.

That's why there's only one Jim Norton.

The legend.

The legend, Jim Norton.

The legend, Jim Norton.

Let that be a lesson to you aspiring comics out there.

You woo, woo, woo guys.

Fucking Callan, huh?

You know, Callan a lot.

Yeah, because I always would have a rolling piano when I was in the fucking band.

Didn't have to be a piano.

All-city band.

I say Tim Butterly.

I think it's a Tim vibe.

I'm going Lewis.

Plays the drums.

Stupid move, Callan.

I'm going with TB.

I just don't see anybody playing a guitar.

Is it a marching band?

I think of marching band.

It's Tim.

It's Tim.

We all know it's Tim.

Everyone, it's Tim, right?

I don't know.

Now I'm thinking it might be Lewis because he's pushing too hard to fool everyone.

Alex, if you could pull it together.

That story belongs to big.

I didn't know you, you quiet, you talented giant.

Jay, this you are so close, Jay.

He cleaned up, he cleaned up perfect round with double points.

Damn.

Wow.

Am I the only one who got it?

Oh, no, it wasn't a perfect ground.

You got Jay.

Oh, no, he changed it.

Somebody's sly as a fox.

Fuck.

It was basically what everybody was guessing the same thing.

I played drums.

Lewis, almost like your story, when you took drum lessons but played with like the school band, you had to do like a thing.

So it was like snare drum of the most basic level or bass drum, timpani, which was essentially just doing role.

It was just nothing to it.

And I didn't know how to play or read music or anything.

And, but because I just went to a shitty school with like a shitty school system in West Philly, it was just, I just kept getting booted up to these things.

And

just like listen and let like a black kid do it right and then just be like, you know, kind of like mime with him and play along.

I never got caught, but I genuinely never knew how to play or read music or anything.

I was just standing there in a tie they make you wear.

It's It's the end of Whiplash.

You're covered in sweat, just holding two symbols together.

Oh,

if you got lucky enough to get symbols in the song, that was the best because you only happened a few times.

You'd lay at Ray and then it really shit right out for them.

Wink at a girl.

Honestly, the drum line was such a good movie.

Alex.

I just look again.

I don't watch movies.

After seven stories, where are our points at?

Big J, I think you have a pretty big lead right now.

That was good.

All right, in last place with four points,

Louis Jay Gomez.

Oh, that did.

I did feel that.

If Jay wins,

I'll be happy.

I'll be happy today if Jay wins.

I could be in last place.

Don't jump on my happiness.

Yeah.

It's my happiness.

Yeah.

We did it.

Yeah.

In fourth place with eight points, Brian Callen.

God,

I'm so used to taking first in wrestling.

In third place with 10 points, Tim Butterly.

Tim Butterly.

A gentleman's third.

In second place with 14 points, Jim Norton.

No, no, I don't deserve it.

And in the lead with 22 points,

Big Jay Oakerson.

So the only way for anybody to even tie it with Jay would be if the last story belongs to Jim and nobody guesses Jim.

The only way just to tie with Jay.

Guys, what is that smell I'm smelling?

I think it's part self-help, part spiritual guide.

Fierce Love by Reverend Dr.

Jackie Lewis.

Equips readers with the tools to navigate a chaotic world without losing hope or humanity.

Reverend Dr.

Jackie Lewis draws from her interfaith background and decades of activism to offer a loving yet urgent call to action.

Transform your life and the world around you with the fierce, rule-breaking kindness.

He's coming home with this guy.

I feel good.

I'm going to vote before the next story.

Lewis.

Oh, yes, you got to do one of mine so I could possibly tie.

That's the only shot any of us have.

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All right, where were we?

Now, for all ethnicities.

Alex, our final story, story number eight.

Story number eight.

Yeah.

Story number eight.

Dude, her voice is scratchy.

It's got soda in it.

It's a soda and brandy voice.

I broke both hands punching drywall when I hit a stud after my friends got in a fight at one of my shows.

Huh.

Well, if it would not be a good idea.

No,

Lewis is the guy who gets into the fight.

This is a story about somebody punching a wall because Lewis got into a fight with another friend.

And if it was at Lewis's show, it would have been the club owner punching.

Fuck.

You're really bullying me today, Jim.

It hurts a little bit, but it's funny.

I hate when I have to laugh at him trashing me.

Yep.

I mean, look, I've broken hands punching things, but that's because of whores.

Yeah.

I've never been passionate enough to punch a wall over friends.

Hit a stud, huh?

So, somebody, their friend, so your friends were fighting at a show, and you're Brian is a terrible actor.

So, let me get this.

Look at this story.

So, let me get this straight.

Look at friends.

I don't do this.

I don't go.

My friends aren't getting along.

By the way, if you broke both hands punching drywall and hit a stud, did they go like this?

Yeah.

How'd you hit the same stud?

Yeah.

You're like, you go, ah, ah, is that the stud?

Look at me a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That must be a two by eight.

Right.

Somebody knows, somebody knows construction around here, and I don't.

I don't work with my hands.

Because they're broken.

Damn it.

I hate.

Oh, fuck.

There goes my piano.

Have you found?

I'm sorry, too.

Brian, haven't you talked on podcasts about hanging out with dudes that get into fights and shit?

Yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I talk a lot about it.

I have a lot of fight stories.

None of them are true, but a lot of them are.

I could see a lot of five S stories about how I almost fought.

How do you tell fight stories on a podcast where the other guy is the fighter?

Just you have to have a lot of call.

The ball's on Brian Dallas.

Brian's like, hold on, fight story.

I got this one.

You got to be a liar.

What if Brian's just finding out right now that he's the kid?

What?

Oh, shit, because he he did the.

Wow.

Fuck, that's right.

Yeah, I study, I wouldn't break my hands, though.

I study kung fu.

Yeah.

You see through the target.

Well, no, we don't punch in kung fu.

It's it's

a.

And when you move from your khara, you break.

You go, this is too much information, but you go right through the stud.

Eze!

So a lot of it's here.

So

my master used to force us.

We had vats of rice.

My tutelage was cruel.

He

forced me to hold the horse stance.

I used to have to wear a testicle cinch.

The pain was excruciating, but I went somewhere else.

He sold me.

I think this is Tim Butterly getting,

he's an emotional guy, and he got sad about friends fighting, and he wanted to stop.

So

he drew it back to him.

You think I'm a big dryball punching guy?

That's nuts.

Who drinks out of you that?

I think you fake a stomachache and edge.

That sounds like something.

I'm fucking almost calm now.

Fucking shitheads.

No way.

I see Brian getting lit up back at the apartment, probably upset.

One tear in his eye, but not crying.

And one, two.

Oh.

Tie that fuck.

And there goes my piano lesson.

Yeah, that is it, too.

It was definitely like a one-two.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Quick.

I throw fast.

I got a viper quick.

He threw one, two, and then dipped and then realized he was in excruciating pain.

That's what happens.

Yeah, he goes, that's what happens when you fuck.

I think I agree.

Brian Callan is my answer.

Yep, there he is.

I'm going.

I'm going.

Oh, no, I forgot to pick a fake guy.

I'm going Louis J.

Gomez.

Yeah, Lewis could have done it.

I can see Lewis punching.

Yeah.

And this gets me triple points here.

Alex.

help me

please

someone help me Rachel

She's the one with the point

the final story of the night belongs to Tim Butterly

It was Tim Butterly the kid will throw hands he'll throw hands He'll surprise you

Wow Tim, tell us this story It actually was exactly what you said my friends got into a fight with each other at a show and i went home and i said no one cares about me

i had a two-year-old at the time that i couldn't hold for six weeks

no one cares about hug my leg yeah daddy loves you hug my leg i'll pet your head with my stomach

touch you with my wrist it was a really stupid fight too it was uh we were leaving Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia, best club in the world.

Great club.

And one of my boys bent over to tie his shoe, and another dude went behind him and acted like he was fucking his butt.

Like, hey, check it out.

And he stood up and he's like, yo, dude, seriously?

And they started like shoving each other.

It had to be broken up.

And I went home and I was screaming in my house at my wife.

I said,

this was my night.

And then I had to spend 18 hours in an emergency room.

This was my big night.

No fake sodomy around me.

I think I know who won this game, but Alex, let's make it official.

What are our final scores?

Yeah.

All right.

And

if I got it,

just sign it.

Just sign it.

In last place with four points.

Before the night ends.

Jay Gomez.

You.

yeah,

we'll see three ghosts

in fourth place with eight points.

Brian Callin.

Oh,

I'll do better next time, Papa.

Could you sing Total Eclipse of the Heart?

I was so worried about that Bonnie Tyler reference.

Double points.

All right,

no, keep going, it's inspiring

in third place with 14 points.

Jim Norton,

big deal,

and your winner tonight

with twenty-two points:

big

J

Okerson

Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech.

Austin,

Austin, Texas, you guys made me feel like a princess tonight.

She's an idiot from Philadelphia.

She should be pumping gas.

Now I'm taking on fierce love by Reverend Dr.

Jackie Lewis.

She spells Jackie with a UI at the end.

She shouldn't be published.

You guys could always say you were here for the night.

The night.

I'm back.

I'm back in the W column.

And here's the many more.

This is probably going to start a journey of many, many wins.

It'll become less special as i lay fucking hammer down across this game over the next several months so stay tuned feel happy for me now soon you will fear me

uh

thank you all

how about a big thank you to our awesome fucking panel tonight jim norton

Come on.

The great Brian Callen.

I'll be back.

I'll be back.

I'm going to Google my contestant.

Your newest local son, Tim Butterly, in the house.

Thank you for having me.

Everybody, I'm Big Jay Oakerson.

I'm Louis Jay Gomez.

Thank you guys for hanging out on Story Wars.

We'll catch you next time.

Good night.