045. Jim Florentine, Colum Tyrrell, & Chris Stanley | Mistakes

What's going on, Story Warriors?

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you're listening to the gas digital network

ladies and gentlemen it's story wars with the story warriors babe j okison and lewis jay Gomez.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars.

Make some noise in this fucking building, please.

Wow.

Wow.

Ooh, we're packed up.

They got great energy in here today.

Very good energy.

Thank you so much for being here.

Our new home of the New York Comedy Club here for Story Wars.

Thank you guys for being a part of this.

How many people here are familiar with the show Story Wars?

That's most.

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

Okay, a decent amount.

You guys are going to have it.

Listen to me.

We're going to blow your mind today with the best comedy game show on the planet.

Am I right, folks?

You're about to have your mind fucking blown.

If you're not familiar with Story Wars, we're going to explain the game after we get our esteemed panel up here, which we have an amazing one tonight.

Your first contestant coming this stage, your special dear Jonah, available on YouTube.

And you know him from the gentle giant tour, make some noise for the hilarious Jim Florentine, everybody.

And our second competitor from High Society Radio on the Gas Digital Network and the Bennington Show, clapping up for Chris Stanley.

And our third contestant, you know him, from the Column Turtle Show.

So who else could it be but the hilarious Column Terrell?

Make some fucking noise.

Very exciting to have the three of you boys here.

If you're not familiar with Story of Wars, or if you're a new listener at home, here is how the game works.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one given subject.

Tonight's subject?

Mistakes.

Mistakes.

Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read eight of those stories off one at a time in no particular order at all.

Now, if it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

So it's your job to trick other people to think it's not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Every time you guess a correct story, you get two points.

For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

So you can get up to four points if it's your story.

And

once you put your answer in this slot right here that is your final answer you take your hand away you can't change it that's that and by the way this is a really fun game I'll tell you right now we just we come up here we we laugh everyone has a great time in the crowd we're all having a lot of fun but we don't play for fun Jay let them know what we're playing for today what

bitch

today

the winner takes home suddenly frugal by Leah Ingram oh wow

Suddenly Frugal is a practical guide to Lee Ingram designed to help readers save money without sacrificing their lifestyle.

I need this.

Aimed at people who want to cut costs quickly, the book offers hundreds of real-world tips on how to lower bills, spend less on groceries, reduce energy costs, and shop smarter.

Whether you're dealing with a job loss, preparing for a big purchase, or you just want to build better financial habits, take control of your spending without feeling deprived.

Oh, nice.

Directly out of the Story Wars library.

They also call that being Jewish for dummies.

Jay, you didn't know that.

You didn't know that off the top of your head?

I figured, yeah.

I did not.

Yeah, I should have memorized that.

There can possibly be hundreds of ways to save money.

Are you nice?

Are you crazy?

Tell that to Leah Ingram, dude.

Ziploc bags.

Reuse them.

Bang.

Shit.

That's one.

Is that in the book?

Without any further ado.

Is this crowd ready for war?

Is this crowd ready for war?

Scary.

Scary.

Then, Alex, please, story number one.

Story number one.

I ejaculated inside a one-night stand because I mistakenly thought she said she was on the pill.

She was not.

Interesting.

I read it, by the way, as she was reading it.

I read it as I ejaculated inside of a nightstand,

like one night stand, and I was like, either way, it's a real mistake.

Either way, my first thought is you.

Nightstand or a one-night stand?

I believe this story.

You're my first instinct.

I'll always say that.

Well, listen to me.

I do love a cream pie.

I'm the mayor of Cream Pie City.

Everyone knows that about me.

Cream Pie Jones.

That's a real cause.

I'm the constable of Cream Pie City.

I thought you were the comp troller.

The comp troller.

That's good.

Hell yeah.

The cum.

The comp troller.

Look,

it was good.

Some people are new.

Look, here's the thing.

I will tell you right now, and I do this a lot.

I will admit that this is this thing that I would do.

You're coming in a one-night stand?

That's you?

I've come in so many one-night stands.

I met a girl one time at Coyote Ugly in the city, in the East Village.

She was ugly.

Was she working?

She was in ugly stage.

She was coyote ugly

and i met i just met her i fucked her in the bathroom i came inside of her i was like well that was crazy i think i might have a child out here right now with an ugly woman i don't think you can get pregnant in a bathroom

i think there's like uh something about that sacred area fucking in a bathroom oh i thought it was the scrubbing bubbles it's the fluorescent lights

um but yeah i have i've cream pied many a stranger's but it's not because

this show is hot that is

it's so poetic.

I always do this, and I fuck myself, but let me tell you why I would,

why this might not be Lewis.

He doesn't care if they're on the pill.

I don't care if they're on the pill.

He doesn't ask.

He blows a load and assumes if she accepts that load, she's figured it out.

That is the root.

Yeah.

Ask for forgiveness, not permission.

That's what we say.

It's very Catholic of you.

But he still could have mistakenly thought she was on it, even though he didn't care.

No, I've come in a lot of girls that were on pills, but not the pill.

No, but that's my thing.

I understand what Jim's saying, though, for sure.

Like, you would have done it anyway, but she, you thought she told you she was, so you were like, oh, I guess super safe now.

I think a lot of dudes have this story.

That's not an extremely unique story.

It's actually the best excuse to ever come inside a girl and go, you said earlier you were on the pill.

She's like, no, I didn't.

I go, what?

What?

She said, I'd like to chill.

What?

Are you gaslighting me?

I mean, Colum Terrell is a fucking savage, a savage.

Facts are facts?

But don't let that persuade you that this is me.

Colum's getting married in like two or three weeks.

I'm getting married in two or three weeks.

Oh, yeah.

So now's your...

Last chance, horse.

Who wants another cream pie in the bathroom?

So

my only thing is I don't know that on the eve of his wedding or a couple weeks before his wedding that he'd be telling this story on a very popular podcast.

These are his vows actually.

That's the weird part of it.

By the time this comes out, he'll be married though, right?

Yeah.

It was in like two weeks.

Yeah, yeah, something like that.

All right.

Jim.

Yeah, she's pregnant.

That's why we're getting married.

Jim, you.

It's very Irish.

Holy shit.

You're a longtime pussy slayer, Jim Florentine.

And I asked,

were you a condoms guy, or were you trying to not use?

Condoms.

Big time condoms guy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think.

See, I think it's Lewis because Lewis right away jumped on it saying, I've done that before, but I didn't care.

And he's talked a lot, and he's done this very same thing.

What the fuck did I ever do to you?

Oh, that's good.

Well, you came inside me when I told you I wasn't on the pill.

So I know this could be you.

Buttermouth.

Little both.

So Florentine's, I'm not a condom guy.

I will admit that.

It's 2025.

Who's a condom?

That's crazy.

Who chooses condoms?

I see that she asked me to put a condom on.

I'm like, all right, she's cool.

Then I fuck her without a condom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There hasn't been AIDS since 1997.

That's crazy.

We figured that out a long time ago.

Penn and Teller told us that AIDS isn't real.

They did.

Yeah, bullshit.

That was a special episode.

Yeah, yeah.

The episode of Bullshit, we were like, I'm not wearing a fucking condom again.

Thank you, Penn and Teller.

They red-pilled everyone.

Fuck, I want to just write Lewis.

Jay, you choose me for almost every story.

That's his good strategy.

And Jay has, out of 50 episodes or so, Jay's won four times.

He's on the show every week.

I wouldn't follow Jay's lead too often.

This is what I'm saying.

I'm going column.

I mean, look, everyone here I can see doing this.

Florentine, you've had a couple days where you fucking, you know, you don't always work on hims.

You're a fucking rock and roll comedian.

This guy fucks.

Yeah, this guy fucks.

Big Jay, you're a piece of shit.

I'm not a cream pie guy, though.

You know what I mean?

No, you are.

Who's not a cream pie guy?

It's our instincts.

I'm the mayor of Bukaki City.

You've been known that.

Population one.

Could it be Chris Stanley, though?

He's very quiet over there.

He is, but he hasn't said much.

And maybe.

I don't picture him ejaculating for some reason.

Who comes?

Fucking crazy.

Stanley just starts to sweat.

He gets out of breath.

He almost passes out and he gives up.

Was it good for you?

No?

Fuck.

I think it's Florentine.

This guy's old school.

Florentine got quiet when we started talking to him.

That's what I'm going on.

And he was very quiet when actually when it came up, even after you guys started talking.

I'm sitting right next to Florentine, by the way.

And I'm sure.

Got the inside scoop.

I'm sure this is Florentine.

Right.

And I hate condoms, by the way.

Yeah, for the record.

Just let him know.

Hey, ladies, we all hate condoms.

Yeah.

This is a safe space.

So if anybody wants to get raw, dog, tonight,

I'm going with my first thing.

I'll start the voting off.

Carlym Turrell, you're a fucking degenerate.

But a degenerate doesn't care if she's on the pill.

That's what I'm saying.

True.

No, you do care, though.

You do care.

I wouldn't come inside of a stranger now, but in my 20s and 30s.

Last night.

I guess you're infected with the woke mind virus then.

I'm infected with some viruses.

I'll tell you that much.

Column Turrell is my final answer.

Is that the way we play it?

I thought we were all supposed to turn at the same time.

No, no, no, not at the same time.

Fuck.

No, no.

We could.

You can do it anytime you want.

Is this the only game show where the hosts play the game?

Maybe.

Shut the fuck up.

Why would I shut the fuck up?

You're inviting me here.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm just saying it's a compliment.

It's a compliment.

We love this game.

We will play it.

Steve Harvey isn't playing the feud, dude.

Okay?

It'd be a better show if he did.

Oh, hell yeah.

Alex Trebeck would be alive if he would have played that game.

It would have kept him alive.

Ooh, two votes for Jim.

Three votes.

Oh, Jay.

I have Jim written down, but

I want to win this book.

Lewis has hurt me me so much before.

In what way?

In the bussy.

This exact way.

Yeah, it hurt, but then I came inside of you and it slid a little bit easier.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

There's new people here.

Sorry.

All right.

Everyone's locked in.

It's Chris Stanley.

Motherfucker.

Story number one belongs to Colin Terrell.

God damn!

The king.

A real fucking

Irish savage.

You said, why would he do that when he's getting married in hours?

She's a good girl.

She's cool.

So what happened, Colin?

Who was this fucking

animal that did this to you?

No, it was fucking this Mexican chick.

Oh, well, dude, you got to double back that if you're on the pill.

But then while we were fucking, I go, are you on the pill?

And then she's like, what?

Okay.

She goes, okay.

Are you on the pill?

And she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

And I was like, okay.

And then I came.

What's she going to say?

We breed like Gramerons.

Was it after midnight?

Yeah, so then I came and she goes, did you just come with me?

And I go, oh, yeah.

And she goes, why would you do that?

I'm not on the pill.

And I go, you just said you're on the pill.

She goes, oh, I thought you asked me if I was on the pillow.

And I was like, I don't care about your comfort.

I was about to bust.

And a Mexican girl with Irish gene, that's crazy.

Did you ask her to queef it out?

I walked her down to CVS, an Irish goodbye.

And then he kicked her in the stomach.

Then I saw the prices.

I brought her for a drink.

I walked her down to CVS and I kicked her in the stomach and left.

I had to ask someone to unlock the fucking 10 B section.

God damn it.

Anyway, early league.

There we go.

Interesting first round.

Alex, Let's go to our points.

Fucking ridiculous.

On the scoreboard with two points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Oh, God-laze.

And in the lead with three points, Colin Terrell.

Early lead.

Early domination.

Yo, it's Luis J.

Gomez.

Epic Jay Ogre's time.

Bringing all the madness on Story Wars, the sickest game show podcast podcast around.

Ham, hey, hey.

My old wallet was a disaster, bulky, falling apart, giving me a crooked spine.

Jay, what trash were you carrying?

Lewis, my wallet was given to me by my grandfather.

It was given to him by his father before the war.

But that thing's a piece of shit compared to new Rich Wallets.

It's an essential family heirloom.

It means the world to me emotionally, but honest to God, it's a piece of shit.

It makes me think my grandfather didn't care about me because now I have a new titanium black beast

that I got on the website for Ridge Wallets.

It's my new go-to bathroom site.

So long, world star, hello ridge.com.

Now I stage jerking off to wallets.

Slim as hell, holds 12 cards plus cash.

Oh, I'm going to finish right now.

Made with badass aluminum and carbon fiber over 50 styles.

And that RFD blocking that we're always talking about, they got it.

Digital pickpockets can suck our dicks.

Ridge actually gave me an idea with their carbon fiber AirTag wallet.

I'm going to put an AirTag attachment on everything I own.

Ridge's lifetime warranty means it's the last wallet I'll ever buy.

Their suitcase and key cases, same sleek, tough vibe.

With over 100,000 five-star reviews, you know it's legit.

Look, the crowd's mumbling.

They're so excited.

Oh, there's a murmur in the room.

Jay, that airtag.

Does that AirTag give you a peace of mind or what?

Suck, fuck yes, dude.

Hell yes.

No more freaking out at the bar.

Right now, just in time for Father's Day, Ridge is having a huge sale, up to 40% off.

Go to ridge.com slash Warswithaz to grab the perfect gift for your dad and yourself.

That's ridge.com slash wars with a Z.

At checkout, let him know that Story War sent you to support the show.

Give dad the upgrade he deserves.

All right, where were we?

All right, Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

Me and my friends saw a car parked on the edge of an embankment of a canal.

So we pushed it into the water and the car completely sank.

Embankment?

Stand by me shit.

What the fuck is that?

That's not a mistake.

That's being awesome.

It's being a badass.

It's general fun.

Can you just push a car in?

Do cars move when you push them?

It says it's parked.

It wasn't even abandoned.

It was just parked.

Yeah, there was a guy asleep.

And you sunk it.

I mean, this is a massive crime.

You kill a guy.

Yeah, what?

Is Ted Kennedy on this panel?

If this is Lewis, he's lying.

He would have always talked about this.

Sure.

I mean, if Jay did this, me and Jay have been podcasting together for 14 years now.

I've known you for nearly 20 years.

If you sunk a car?

If you committed grand larceny via car sinking, I would have heard this story.

Oh, we laughed.

Also, I don't know what an embankment or a canal is.

Canal is water.

An embankment, I think it's next to the water, Jay.

City bank.

Yeah, Yeah, is that like a water wall and a canal?

Who the fuck grew up near canals here?

See, that, to me, Column, Ireland, drunk.

They do have fucking canals.

I don't know about that.

A bunch of friends out drunk.

Isn't a canal.

Am I crazy?

Where they kind of...

Oh, here's Column outside.

It's right on the outside of your castle.

I'm telling you what, a canal is a canal is like man-made water levels, so you can go up and down.

A fucking canal.

Have none of you looked at the news?

You beat the Panama Canal?

Stop saying canal.

I'm explaining it to you, idiots.

No, you just keep saying canal over and over again.

Well, tell me what an embankment is.

One time by using the canal.

One time I went to Chase Bank on Canal Street.

I'll admit that.

Yes.

I think it was Column and that Mexican girl was in the car that he blew along.

Yeah, like Eminem Stan.

Fucking Kennedy, that bitch.

I mean, could it be two column stories?

And all of these stories are all randomly generated, so this could easily be two column stories.

Colin, will you tell me how many stories you submitted today?

I will not tell you anything.

You fucking warm.

Why not?

Game started, man.

Lewis, can I ask you, is this you?

Did you do this, Lewis?

Me?

It says, no, the problem is it says me and my friends.

So that rules out Lewis.

Lewis wouldn't say embankment.

That's true.

Lewis wouldn't say embankment.

He maybe grew up near some canals.

That's what I'm thinking.

Lewis was

an automatic.

In Jersey, in upstate New York.

And that's that's what I'm thinking.

Florentine also is New Jersey, right?

You grew up in Jersey?

Jersey.

Are there canals in Jersey?

Jersey and Florida.

There's canals everywhere.

Very canaley places.

Someone who pushed a car into a canal would say there's no canals in New Jersey.

Chris, where did you grow up?

I don't have a license, so I would definitely not make Queens.

Yeah, there's no canals or embankments there.

It's the East River.

I really wish I knew what an embankment was.

I think it's just the side of a canal.

I think it's the side of a canal.

Like a riverbank.

It does sound like

the edge, I guess, like right here.

Oh, it's Jim.

It's Jim.

It's Jim.

Jim, Jim.

Yeah, it's like this.

Jim knows exactly what's going on.

But I feel like Lewis might have put in embankment as a word to throw you.

You think he would have looked up water wall and a thesaurus?

Yes.

Side of river.

Or maybe Alex changed the wording a little to throw everyone off.

She can do that.

She can do that.

She can, but she wouldn't have.

I mean, that's such a specific word.

Somebody wrote this.

Alex doesn't know what embankment means.

This does sound like an Irish sentence.

Colin, could you read this out loud?

Me and me, friends

saw a car parked on the edge of an embankment of a canal.

So we pushed it into the water, and the car completely sank.

I mean,

you read that really well.

Diddly, diddly-dee.

That's how you find a leprechaun.

I'm going to get it going.

This is a hard one.

I'm going Florentine because he grew up around so much possible canal.

Yeah.

But hold on.

Stanley, were you a degenerate as a kid?

Because this is a crazy thing to do.

No, he was a shit, my guess would be.

I would assume a real fucking scumbag.

It wasn't until high school I turned into a piece of shit.

Otherwise, I was a lonely little boy.

Yeah, I don't think this was middle schoolers that did this.

Seems like a...

Doon, doon, doon, doon doon.

Grade school.

Grade school?

You think 10-year-old kids are pushing a car into a river?

You want to see a body you guys want to make a body

I only lived in Florida for two years during high school so just well you had to get out because they were going to catch you for pushing this car in this in the canal what is the statute of limitations on a crime of this magnitude

it was a fucking Ferrari or something this is crazy fuck this Ferrari

I mean, part of me thinks it's Colin, but I'm just going to put my vote.

I'm going to put my vote in for Chris Stanley.

Yeah.

Good luck with that shit.

It's Colin Lewis or going Jim again.

I went with Jim.

If Lewis never told me he buried someone's car in the ocean or in an embankment canal, he would have never told you that before.

If he never told me that,

then it's a made-up story.

He was in a rush today and he just made up a fake story.

It's not even a mistake.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number two belongs to

Jim Florentine.

Yeah!

Fuck!

He was such a liar.

Fucking knew it.

Jim's a liar.

Florentine heard ACDC come on the rodeo.

He's like, let's fucking do something.

It's time to break some stuff.

Let me know.

Florentine's a lot of people.

What happened here?

It was down in Florida, yeah.

Me and my friends are going to like a county fair, and we had a park like a mile away, and all his cars were like on the side of the road.

And it was his car, it was like right on the bank, but it was like leaning into the water almost.

Oh, yeah, Steve.

It was like three of us, and we just went like this.

He was asking for it.

We just pushed it.

It flipped over and it just went underwater.

What type of car was it?

It was like a little like fiat, like a Ford fiat.

Was it a decent car?

Yeah.

Sorry, he parked there.

We didn't even tell you, you want to do it?

We just saw it, like, you know what?

And all three, we just kept walking.

How many tow truck places and police do you call before you even think maybe to the bottom of the canal?

Next to the embankment?

Yeah.

I thought we were right on the embankment.

We should have been fine.

And did you guys run or did you just stand there?

No, we just walked right into their fair, got some cotton candy.

And you ruined somebody's life?

That's what insurance is for.

Yeah, it's insured.

He didn't know where the car went.

They thought it was a magic trick.

He probably thought it got stolen.

He didn't know it was under because it was completely underwater.

That's so funny.

By the way, what he didn't know is that that guy told his kids to wait here.

He'll be right back with some funnel cake.

Yeah, that was Susan Smith.

She didn't do it.

Oh, shit.

All right, Alex.

What are our points at?

Ooh, fuck.

All right.

On the scoreboard with two points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, Jim Florentine, and Chris Stanley.

Dead Heat.

Wow.

In the lead with three points.

Call him Turrell.

Fuck.

It's a game.

The people's champion.

It's a game.

Ooh, it's a game.

Playing it up.

Alex, i'm freaking the fuck out this is chris stanley's freaking the fuck out alex story number three

story number three

i thought there was an entire class of children on the challenger spaceship when it exploded

i was corrected decades after it happened

this could be bad information making its way over the pond to column

Or this could just be a Lewis thing.

There was a teacher on it, right?

Is that what you're doing?

I was a teacher on it in the Ashley.

Christy McCullough, yeah.

She blew up while all of her students watched on TV, and myself included.

I watched it.

It was

funny.

What?

At the time.

At the time.

No, because it was crazy that it was like all this build-up to it.

It was like, it went completely wrong.

Seems scarring.

Sure.

Look, maybe it's the reason I can't come unless I kill an animal.

How wouldn't you

have heard about this for decades?

What year was this?

Yeah, 80 something.

87.

87.

I was five years old in 87.

I watch it on TV, so

it's not me.

This is Big Jay or Florentine.

No, these are.

It's Lewis.

Yep.

Why do you say Lewis?

Big Jay's getting nervous because I mentioned his name and immediately he wants to define it.

Because I'm completely aware from day one that it was just the teacher got the one ship on.

That's what you would say.

Lewis and Columb.

Lewis and Column.

It's one of those two.

Whoa, whoa.

Column.

Column because he's foreign.

They don't teach him about space travel there.

No, God, no, that's the craziest thing of ever.

And Lewis, because Lewis is young enough that he may have just always taken that information.

He's like, oh, shit, a teacher in her class died.

And then not long ago, someone's like, no, we shouldn't.

And I swear to God, I just recently even, you could have told me this happened in 1961.

You could have told me it happened in 1961.

It was Apollo.

85.

I've never even heard of this.

Yeah, this isn't Column.

This is.

Big J right now.

He's getting very nervous.

He's starting to throw out accusations right away.

As soon as I accused him, I went.

I watched this in a classroom.

Dude, you don't pay attention to the news.

I think it's you.

It was TV one.

We were forced to watch it in a classroom.

You don't know who's on there.

You just turn the TV on because it exploded and you watched it.

If you watched it, you knew who was on it.

Stanley, how old are you?

I'm 41.

Yeah, I think we're too young to have like decades later.

Lewis is panicking right now.

I need to hear from Lewis.

Let me do a little timeline work.

In fact, we just.

So wait, so Kyle Reese had to be born for Terminator to even happen.

It's a paradox, dude.

He came back.

What?

It's Lewis.

He's a lying Puerto Rican piece of shit.

And you heard him here first.

Jay's going too much.

Look, these girls are going to leave.

They're so upset with the way you're behaving.

You're going with Jim.

Sorry, ladies.

I'm sorry you got to deal with a lying piece of shit like this.

You just come to enjoy yourself at a comedy show.

My apologies.

One of Jay's big tells is when he starts freaking out and talking a mile a minute.

When this is not me at all,

I want you to remember this in the future because Lewis says the same shit about me every week and he's never consistent with me.

I've won this game more than anybody in the history of the game.

You play it more than anybody and I'm tired of it.

I play just as much as you, you see.

I'm not good at it.

Jay, how old were you?

You gotta ask.

Jay, how old were you when you watched us in class?

What about Jay?

What year was it?

I think 87.

If it's 87, I was 10.

Sounds right.

But we watched it in a classroom.

Fifth grade.

Yeah, but I remember the whole thing was it was a contest and a teacher won.

It was just a teacher got to go.

I didn't think it was controversial.

I don't think it was a contest.

A bunch of students.

It was something.

She didn't send in a bunch of shit from the back of a story.

I mean, the story very clearly states they watched it live back then, and then decades later, they figured out what happened.

How is that saying that?

That's not saying at all.

It goes, I thought there there was, you just say they thought there was an entire class.

And I was corrected decades after it happened.

It's only decades after it happened.

Lewis, it's like when you say, I thought there was only four million Jews killed in the Holocaust.

When there was only 100,000.

You're right.

Jesus Christ.

I'm Jewish.

It was like 150.

Yeah, I'm like 20%.

Chris Stanley says, Jay, it's smarter.

Really?

I'm saying, Jay.

You locked it.

I switched it off.

No.

No, good, good,

Good, good.

Jim, Jim, wait for you to take your hand off it.

I'm telling you, this is definitely not me, dude.

It's ah, shit.

You fell for Lewis's bullshit.

You gave him points.

You don't got to act anymore.

All the votes are in here.

You think it's me still?

I still think it's you.

If it's me, I will fucking take your cock in my ass in front of this audience.

You can enter me dry.

Why didn't you say

my hands?

Hold on.

If it's me, I will, and I mean this, I will let the entire panel gang fucking.

No, it's not you.

Oh, really?

That's not it.

There's somebody there.

Somebody just killed somebody.

That's what we're here for anyway.

Oh, it's Chris Stanley.

He still thinks that his kids died in that.

Fuck, Alex, everybody's in.

Shit, who the fuck is this?

This story belongs to Chris Stanley.

I almost did it!

Motherfuckers!

Damn.

I told told you it wasn't me.

You two are too big.

I told you it wasn't me, and you swore to everybody it was.

Bullshit.

Stanley just cleaned the fuck up.

That's what I like.

Also, the behind that story is I'm an idiot.

That's all.

Yeah, there's nothing more tomorrow.

That's the whole story.

I don't bother to fucking look into things.

When did you hear this story for the first time?

So I was corrected for the first time on the air when I was about 38 on fucking Bennington.

I was like, man, it was also a shame all those kids died.

And then then they were like, what are you fucking talking about?

Oh, I also thought San Francisco was an island up until a couple of years, too.

It's not good geography or space.

Do you know

one of those?

That could be one of them.

Do you know how they knew that Christine McCullough had dandruff?

How?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the wreckage.

Jesus, that's.

I'm not clapping.

RIP.

It's inaccurate.

I liked it.

It's not.

Alex.

after three stories, what is our point spread at?

All right, on the scoreboard with two points each, Luis J.

Gomez, Big J.

Okerson, and Jim Florentine.

Respectable.

Respectable.

Oh, it's early.

In second place with three points, Column Turrell.

It's not over.

Wow.

That's for you.

And in first place with six points, Chris Stanley.

Thank you.

Yeah, let me tell you something so much.

This is all

for you.

Me and Chris drove down here together and I told him, this is the first time doing the game, I said, by story number three, you're going to competitively really want to win this game.

And I can see now you're getting that fucking itch.

All I want is that fucking financial book.

Buddy, everybody wants more money.

When life throws unexpected expenses your way, Suddenly Frugal by Lee Ingram is the handbook you'll wish you had.

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This book shows you that frugality doesn't mean giving up what you love, it just means being smarter about how you spend.

Wow.

Chris Stanley, you already got a place for this in your mantel.

I know you do.

I don't have a checking account.

Oh, okay.

Let's get him a book.

Let's get him a book on the challenger.

So he knows we're really happy.

If we really need to hit his fucking weak spots, for sure.

That's a lot less sad than I thought it was.

It is funny when you finally go, oh, it's just a teacher?

Just adults?

What's the big deal?

Yeah.

How old is she?

She's halfway, yeah.

All volunteer adults?

Suck, dick.

Bullshit.

All right, let's get real, fellas.

Have your balls ever sung so bad that you're dodging dogs in the street?

That's where Mando whole body deodorant saves the day.

Jay, spill it.

When did Mando save your ass?

Yo, Lewis, last summer, I was at a comedy fest, sweating like a pig, and my grundo was screaming for help.

Popped on some Mambo bourbon leather solid stick, pits, balls, even the feet.

Boom!

I was fresher than a menthol cigarette.

I thought I just might mask the funk, but this stuff stops the odor cold.

I'm a believer man.

Zero stink, even after 12 hours.

Hell yeah.

I had a Story Wars saving where I was running around like a maniac before the show.

Mando clover wood sprays on my pits, thigh folds, and yeah, my butt crack.

Crowd laughs.

Kept me smelling like a champ.

I figured it'd be some weak-ass deodorant, but it's doctor-made, blocks odor for 72 hours, and beats a shower.

My confidence is just through the roof.

No whiff checks needed.

Jay, you tried that Pro Sports scent yet?

Well, not yet, but I'm all in for this starter pack.

Stick, cream, free wipes, and a mini wash.

It's like a spa for my shit.

Mando is safe for everywhere.

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All right, let's get back into it.

Alex,

story number four.

Story number four.

One time I bought a sandwich at a deli, and it was 100%.

PJ.

Everyone's bought a sandwich at a deli.

If it was stolen, it was Lewis.

It's true.

If it was stolen, it was Lewis.

And if it was corned beef, it was Columb.

Oh, come on.

One time I bought a sandwich at a deli and I was 100% positive I gave the guy behind the counter a $20 bill to pay for it.

He said I didn't.

We got into a huge argument.

After leaving the deli?

I realized the money was in my pocket the whole time.

Alex, I should have stopped your reading halfway.

It's Lewis, if everybody wants to write it down.

It's Lewis.

This is fighting in a deli.

You do this every time.

Yeah.

Yeah, but this stinks of you, Lewis.

Come on.

I mean, look, I will tell you right now.

He's been doing this.

He's been giving one that's obviously him, and then being like, why would I put fight in a deli for my fault reasons?

He has you by the balls, Jay.

Jay thinks every day.

You're just watching every story.

He goes, it's Lewis.

I guarantee you.

He's hurt you so many times.

And also, before we're done discussing it, he's doing the double triple blow that he did last week.

Before we're done discussing it, though, I will also tell you why it's not Lewis.

And then it will be him.

Sure, it will.

But now,

Jay, you grew up in South Philly, so you weren't around.

West Philly.

West Philly, you weren't around Delis.

Colin wasn't in Ireland.

So it's...

What do you think?

You guys don't have sandwiches.

You've never heard of Queens.

I've got a lot of Queens and Bronx.

Hold on, time out.

Wait a minute.

First of all, I grew up in Rockland County where there wasn't Delis to buy sandwiches like that.

Rockland County.

Oh, God.

Oh, fucking Jeff Bezos over here.

But everyone here has been in New York City.

Everyone in here has been in New York City for two decades.

That is a good argument that we've all been here long enough to have this story happen.

We've all lived in New York when $20 in our pocket meant something.

Yeah, I mean, look, I've been into many arguments in delis, but I mean, I'll tell you.

Yeah, this one.

You would have heard this from me.

I think I did.

In one way or another, I've heard this story.

Yeah, I think you've heard it in your own head because it's your story.

This is.

You want to think that.

But, buddy, take out Deli Worker with Uber Driver, with Guy at the Counter at a Thing, or Hotel Worker.

Jay, these are all your stories, too.

You have as many freakouts as I do with workers.

I am slightly better than you.

I fly off the handle a little bit less, and I'm a little more reasonable.

I'm a little less trained

to fight and a little less aggressive.

What kind of sandwich was it?

Oh, good question.

Grilled chicken.

I know what a sandwich it was.

How do we know this?

This is Sunny Nanny's, dude.

This is you.

Sunny and Annie's, I'm banned from.

I know exactly my points.

He's banned.

You're banned from a fucking deli.

The best sandwich deli in New York City is not allowed to go in this.

It's a great sandwich deli.

But it's not because

I didn't get into an argument about money.

It was because the woman called called me racist because I started calling.

All right?

No.

They both had a point.

That's not what happened.

Was she Asian?

Why did I get banned?

You had to hear it.

No, you had to hear it.

It's happened so many times.

If you hear how she sounded, you realize he was just doing a dead arm, right?

He goes, you sound like this.

If she wasn't a cunt, she would have been like, that doesn't sound like me.

A very good

of the world society.

Oh, no, no.

The woke mafia.

Yeah.

Hold on, Alex.

Do you remember what happened?

I kind of do.

Yeah.

You needed to pay an an extra 25 cents for a bag, and they wouldn't give it to you for free, even though you had paid for your order.

No, but that's not what happened.

No, no, no, I'll tell you.

So they said, hold on, no, no, no, no.

You can say Alex itself.

No, it's more specific.

It's more specific.

So, no, you had to spend a minimum of $10 on your credit card, and my sandwich was like nine bucks.

So I was like, all right, I guess I'll get gum.

I was like, I'll get gum or whatever.

97 cents.

So, no, no, listen.

No, I paid for it.

And then she was, and then she's like, Do you want a bag?

I was like, Yeah, she's like, That'll be 25 cents.

I was like, but I only have a card.

She's like, got to spend another $10.

And I lost my shit.

Didn't you do a fucking clear?

Oh, yeah.

I cleared the shelf of everything.

How could this not be Lewis?

I'm letting you know it wasn't.

Yeah.

I've had some incidents, but I will tell you right now, I do believe that this is Jay.

You've also had to do it.

You think it's me?

That's why I think it's you, because you're just saying that.

When Jay says, I thought maybe you had a real reason.

He's doing non-stop talking.

When he talks over and over and over again, it's him.

He's trying to hide.

Non-stop talking.

He just told us the entire story about Sonny and Annie's.

You won't shut up.

See, now Chris Stanley's quiet and he grew up in Queens.

He was around a lot of delis, too.

Oh, so many delis.

But this is Lewis, as every story is.

Have you voted me for every story?

I'm not wrong.

Lewis has done all these things.

He just didn't submit them.

I do make a lot of mistakes, I will say.

Here's the issue is you two are just going back and forth on each other this whole time.

These little assassins are sitting here inside.

You fucking know it's why we're losing.

That's how we got the last one.

Look at your fucking head in the game, dude.

Look at Jim Notz.

Florentine hasn't said anything.

Look how pouty those girls are.

They hate this.

Come on, girls.

You'll learn to love it.

Through time, you'll learn to love it.

Jay.

I think it's Jay.

I think this shit's a fucking red.

I think it's a red.

It's a fucking Harry.

I think it's Jay as well.

I just, I just know, I don't know these other guys.

I would have checked my...

I'm a reasonable human being.

Lewis just remembers, I remember getting you $20 and I'll destroy this place you have a legion of skanks tattoo on your neck

are you don't are you changing your answer I don't have a good argument against that if you want to vote me vote me but you're probably giving Lewis a lot of points or Chris Stanley no Chris voted me so fairly again when it's not you and someone says it's you you know it's them Chris did go Jay very quickly

I chose Jim because he didn't say much but it was between you two and he just changed his answer so it's obviously not Jim why would he change his answer

at this point changes he knows it's him so it's got to be be Chris.

He is a thespian.

Would

that mean?

Would Chris get two questions in a row?

Yeah,

it's possible.

It's definitely all random.

It's not.

I only know it's random, but you think that what are the odds of him getting two in a row?

It happens.

It happened a couple weeks ago here.

It's like the roulette table, bro.

But obviously, Chris, all right, whatever.

I already put my vote in.

I wouldn't have thought this was a mistake.

I would have thought I got a free sandwich.

I'm overweight.

If it's Jim, that was way overkill.

Yeah.

That's nuts if it was Jim.

Alex, everybody's answers are in.

You guys, that story obviously belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

God damn it.

It was too fucking obvious.

Fuck.

You too.

That was, no, because that was two rounds in a row you were saying that.

Alex, I was like, I put that one in.

I was like, she's not going to put that one in.

It's so obviously me.

I'll just throw her that story.

Yeah, it was a deli somewhere in the West Village.

Wow.

And it was another incident.

Not only did it,

the argument ensued, it turned into me grabbing candy off the shelves in front of him and fucking throwing them at his face.

He started throwing food at me.

I'm like, fuck you, you piece of shit.

He's like, fuck you.

People cleared the store and I fucking left and I was like, fuck, it's coming.

I had my sandwich and then I reached in my pocket.

The $20 bill was there the whole time.

The whole time it was there.

You're a friend to the working man.

That's you.

You guys never met this guy?

Did you go go back to the deli and give them a shot?

No, no, no, no, that one I never went back to.

Yeah,

you two sitting here all silent, all sweet.

I have plenty to say, damn, beautiful.

What are our scores?

The halfway mark, fuck.

All right,

in last place with two points, Jim Florentine.

A smattering applause is worse than none.

In fourth place with three points, Column Turrell.

People's champion.

What?

In third place with four points, Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with five points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And in the lead with six points, Chris Stanley.

Yes.

This,

I mean this.

In 50-some shows that I've won only four, maybe even three,

this might be the closest contested first half of the game.

It's very close.

Am I right, Alex?

My financial future rests on this.

I know.

You're goddamn right, dude.

I need that book.

You've been fucking yourself so hard with your grocery bill.

Well, this is real.

This is the half point of the game at this point we'll go around and everyone will do some plugs real quick before we get into our second half column what are you plugging my friend oh check out my podcast cockfight podcast with drew dunn and lev fur and the people love it right

yeah

and also

Let me see the date here.

Just announced in this very room, I'm going to be recording my next stand-up special on October 23rd.

That's Thursday, October 23rd, in New York Comedy Club in Midtown.

So, two shows for that.

And we're not, everyone's going to be there, right?

Right.

Thank you.

The Bennington Show on Sirius XM airs weekdays noon to 2 East and

Faction Talk 103, right before the bonfire.

And High Society Radio, my podcast that's available on YouTube, Gas Digital.

And you can follow Stanman42069.

42069.

People say that's you.

A lot of people say it's me, but who knows?

Who knows?

It's crazy.

Laurentine?

My latest comedy special, you can't please them all, Amazon Prime, and podcast everybody is awful.

Fuck yeah.

Big J.

BigJcomedy.com for all my dates.

Got Long Island coming up, Sacramento, San Diego, Tacoma, Charlotte.

Look for a city near you.

And of course, listen to the Bonfire five days a week Faction Talk Series X7103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course, the flagship show right here at Guest Digital, the motherfucking legendary Legion of Skanks.

Come see me on the road June 26th.

I'm going to be in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

June 27th, Long Beach, Mississippi.

June 28th, Mobile, Alabama.

Then we're doing a live Story Wars in New Jersey at the Dojo of Comedy on June 29th, Sunday night.

Just one one show, Atlantic City coming up in the beginning of July.

And then I'm taping my next special in Tampa, Florida.

The tickets for the special are sold out, but you can still get tickets for the Thursday and Friday before for side splitter.

So come check me out and check out all the other pods we do.

You know, the Regs, Legion of Skanks.

And last but not least, my book, you know, speaking of stories, my book, Knives and Spoons, is available for pre-sale right now on Amazon.com.

Comes out December 2nd.

You guys can buy it right now.

And that's that.

Fuck yeah.

Oh!

and if you love the show, you should know that Story Wars comes out before it goes anywhere else, ad-free and uncensored, to gasdigital.com.

Every Monday night is when we premiere the show.

If you guys don't want to wait for Thursdays, you can get it at Gast Digital.

Use the promo code war at gasdigital.com.

There's also an on-demand library, there's maybe 20 episodes that aren't available on YouTube or anywhere else anymore.

And plus, there's thousands of hours of amazing other podcasts that are all uncensored and ad-free.

Gastdigital.com, use that promo code WAR.

Yeah.

All right.

We've reached our second half of the show, our final four stories column.

Jim,

you guys are probably feeling like you're fucked over.

It's too late to climb back into this thing with your piddly little hilarious pathetic scores.

But

the good news is for the final four stories, we, of course, move on to double point.

What?

Can I do this?

Which is obviously pretty self-explanatory, but if you didn't get it, that means whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point, and if you guessed correctly, you got two points, now that moves to double points.

Is there ever a triple-point situation?

Don't be a fucking

crazy crazy.

That's crazy.

That's gluttony.

What the fuck's wrong with you?

Look at me.

What are we, the family feud?

It's a real show.

I don't got time to be kissing everybody's goddamn girlfriend.

Alex, second half, story number five.

Story number five.

I grabbed a guy's dick to get two girls to have a foursome.

The girls only hooked up with each other.

Does that mean the guy's fucked?

Lewis.

Lewis.

Wait, wasn't this in like American Pie or something?

Isn't this a sequel?

This was American Pie, yeah.

American Pie, the sequel.

One time I fucked a pie because it was warm.

Can I vote for Jason Biggs?

One time we had a foreign exchange student, and we hit a camera in a room.

Nice.

Did you guys not see American Pie?

Okay.

Again, dare I tell you, Jim Florentine

is a cocksmith.

Yeah, but I wouldn't grab another guy's cock.

That's the difference.

Jim is from that era where that was gay.

But here's the thing.

Oh, yeah.

You know what?

You might be right.

That's some old school thinking.

It's old-school jersey shit right now.

That's fair.

That's fair.

I don't want to keep on going back to Big J, but I will do.

But I'm going to say, though, Big J at one time in his life would have grabbed a guy's dick to get...

One time.

He grabbed my dick on the way down here.

Hello, get in there.

Look, no one's even having a foot.

Ooh.

That's balls.

Yeah, hand stuff.

No, but I'm just saying, Big J does have like that.

Big J, and I'll throw myself into this category.

At one time, we were just desperate scumbags and would do anything to get pussy.

And I could see these girls being

dick and we'll fuck you.

And then it just didn't happen.

Sure, I mean, that does track.

I can't wait till we find out who this is because I wonder if it was a pussy.

Probably me or Lewis.

Yeah, probably you guys.

If it was just grabbing bear cockskin or through pants.

Obviously it was over the pants.

I don't know.

We don't know until we find out.

God, it was me and Big J.

I was the guy who's the pants.

And we just sat there jerking each other off while these chicks fucked each other.

Column's got his sunglasses on.

He's trying to hide his eyes.

I do.

This could be

Column.

Could be Jim.

It also could be Jim.

Jim again, dude.

Slade pussy.

Come on, you think I'm going to grab another guy?

Yeah, I don't.

You don't strike me as that.

Yeah, you don't strike me as like...

Is that even something you would want, Jay?

Sure.

Fucking handful of cock and two chicks.

And then

a foursome and another guy.

Clearly, I'm gluttonous.

A foresome.

Two girls and another guy.

And what happened?

The guys just sit there talking?

You've never done that?

Fucking like No, I'm saying I have it on one of the J.

Me and a buddy just watching two girls hook up?

I've never done that, no.

Is that a thing?

You are a voyeur, though.

You've done that multiple times?

No, I've said I've had four sons.

Oh,

what are you going to say?

I was talking about the girl.

What do you do when the girls are only hooking?

It says only the girls hook up with each other.

What do the dudes do?

Just

kissing each other?

Do you guys high five a bunch?

Play candy.

Oh, dude, that's how I would eat your pussy.

I mean, look, two girls hooking up in front of us is better than nothing happening at all.

No doubt.

Play candy crush, hang out.

I'm going to go with Jay here.

Jay hasn't had a story yet, and this sounds like something he would do.

I like what you're fucking saying.

It's a dangerous thing.

Oh, one guy tells the world he loves grabbing guys' dicks, and now I'm the dick grab guy.

I'm just saying.

Really, Lewis.

It's a scarlet letter.

I'm thinking the guy with the painted nails on the panel grabbed the dick.

Whoa.

I'm pretty mad.

I think this is.

I don't want to feel it.

Fools, every one of you.

Big Jay Okerson is my vote.

I want to say that makes me

f in Christ.

Yeah, I didn't.

What?

I think it's Lewis, but

I didn't want to be left out.

Your reputation precedes you,

Mr.

Okerson.

I don't think it's Lewis.

There's no need for all the song and dance, Jay.

Yeah, there is.

I need points.

Just tell us about the dick you grabbed.

Just fucking say it.

I'm going column.

No, you're way wrong.

Look how depressed he is now.

Oh, fuck.

He's so bummed.

He's so funny.

He's so bummed.

Someone just wrecked shop, and I hope it's Colum.

Alex?

That story belongs to

Big J over S.

It does?

Oh,

I guess that was me.

Feels good.

Thank God.

Group tank.

Feels as good as grabbing a dick.

And that, by the way, was double points.

Yeah.

This is what we do.

My favorite.

Woo-hoo.

So, Jay, I mean, how much more to the story here than me?

Who was the guy?

Was it Kurt Metzger?

No, was it Bear Dick, though?

Jim Jeffries.

Down under.

We were in South Africa and we had our chicks with us, and the girls were like, we were trying to get our girlfriends to hook up

with each other.

And they were like...

Wait, they were your girlfriends?

Yeah.

You were treating your girlfriends like road whores?

In Africa, of all places.

In Africa.

Apart-time.

Well, you can't just fuck strangers in Africa, dude.

It's true.

Going back to the 80s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, no, and then the girls, everyone was drunk as shit, and they did like the, if you grab his dick, we'll do it.

So he pulled his dick out, and I grabbed it in the middle, and I was like, like this.

Oh, so it was bear, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm glad I asked.

Full shaft, hard,

no, it got there, no, yeah, not in the beginning.

That's nothing

boring, no, it was soft, but you know, an uncut foreign wiener.

And God bless him.

And then we went back to the

yeah,

you're getting married, planning the people, getting married.

Two weeks.

And then we went back to the room and the girls fucked around.

And then we were like, so

now we'll get involved.

And they were like, nah, it's crazy.

And we just let.

It was fucking.

But they were your girlfriends.

But you just guys left.

You were told, well, you were trying to girlfriend swap?

Thought we were.

What did the girls say?

You guys definitely thought we were.

You were doing a swap.

We thought so.

The girls probably were like, you guys are gay.

Yeah.

I think they never snapped back from how fast I grabbed his cock upon the suggestion.

And somehow, that's obviously me.

Weird.

Alex, the points when you...

All right, on the scoreboard in last place with four points.

Big J.

Come on.

Really?

Boo.

Everyone knew that gay story was me, and I got fired down to last place.

Wow.

Boom.

In fourth place with six points, Jim Florentine.

All right.

Moving up.

In third place with seven points, Column Turrell.

In second place with nine points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And in the lead with 10 points.

Chris Stanley.

I'm right up your ass.

Fuck.

How do I come back from that?

Do you know how much it sucks to get zero

points on the first story that comes up of yours and it's the first story of double points.

Yeah!

Yeah!

More than the first round.

It sucks shit.

Yeah.

Hey, you guys ever wonder how all these comics come up with these wild stories off the top of their heads?

It's not just trauma and desperation, it's body brain coffee.

This isn't your average cup of Joe.

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Alex,

story number six.

Wow.

Story number six.

My classmate asked me to smell a jar he had in his backpack

It ended up being a jar he used to come in what

what

What it didn't smell good

redundant redundant

This could be any of us

You know what this could be any of us

Because the problem is the other person this is this thing this isn't a story you can judge by the person who stands before you what What's the mistake?

I'm mad.

I didn't think of it.

What is the mistake?

I'm mad.

I didn't think of this.

Never trust a boy.

Yeah, this definitely seems like a Florentine prank.

This is back when they had jars and shit in the day.

Did they have jars over in Ireland?

Not really.

Oh, they had a lot of balls.

They had ball jars.

There's a lot of jars in Ireland.

Oh, that's a good thing.

I was a jar in Ireland.

There's a lot of jars.

Jarred shit in Ireland.

Yeah.

In your fruit cellar, you have a mason jar full of cum.

No, why don't we Welsh?

No, that's

crazy.

The Welsh

boo the Welsh.

Yeah.

Can I?

I'm trying to say it was Welsh's.

Listen.

That sounds like a jar of pickled cum.

And I think Lewis can say this about me on this.

None of us,

we would know if each other knew anybody who kept a jar of their own cum why do you keep the cum in a jar why don't you just let it go

on 4chan for years there was a guy called jizz okay

and he would um cum into a two-liter bottle all year long and then post on uh christmas day oh yeah i saw i saw pictures of this guess what spoiler alert it wasn't cum well

telling her like green tea or something why you tasted it

oh how could you not not taste it?

There is only one way to tell.

Look to see if a Coke's pure.

Fuck.

I mean, look, look, it's a hilarious prank.

To like make somebody see the cum jar.

Do you think he like washes the cum jar?

It's like full of...

Dog, ain't no one washing a cum jar.

It's a jar of jar.

What's the purpose?

Accumulating.

See, Lewis and Jay would know if they did this.

They would have heard the story before.

There's definitely a weird kid with a jar full of cum.

I understand understand that.

Yeah.

I mean, coming in a jar, I'm just going to chalk that up to foreign weirdness.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For every reason, I'm guessing call him.

Yeah.

I mean, that just, I'm like, a cum jar.

Like, who can?

That's never even heard of that.

Why, why add the last sentence?

It didn't smell good.

We can all because the guy's funny, whoever said this.

Yeah, that's the other thing.

Always adding tags, whoever wrote that.

I think

that's the mistake he wanted to smell good.

He was like, ooh.

He goes, and much to my chagrin,

bleachy old load.

Yeah.

I was expecting lavender.

The mistake was trusting Daniel.

That was the mistake.

I'm thinking it's Column or Chris.

I'm leaning Column.

Yeah, I'm with you, Chris.

I have my reasonings here.

What are you saying?

I'm not telling you until you vote.

Why?

Because you're going to change your answer.

And I want to get your points.

This is.

Do I benefit if you get this wrong?

Maybe.

If it's you.

No, but it's not me.

So how can I...

What's the strategy for the game?

This is not me.

Watching you checkmasters going fucking.

You don't want to tell Lewis what the right answer is if you think you've got it.

I don't want to tell him what it is.

I don't care.

I think it's Jay, then.

I think it's Jay.

You're giving me the wrong.

You're not giving me the wrong.

That's crazy.

Okay.

Dude, I'm so Jewish.

If somebody's like, smell my cum jar, I'd be like, what do you have a cum jar for?

Like, why do you have that?

Well, no, he was tricked.

He didn't say what the jar was.

I wouldn't just smell a jar out of someone's back, but I don't have like

why are you huffing jars of cum?

Hey, dude, smell my cum jar.

You want to know what I'm writing?

I'm guessing this was just.

You want to know what I wrote?

I want to know what you wrote.

I wrote Jim.

You wrote Jim?

Because this is the second one where there's no mistake.

Because earlier you just pushed a car into the river.

That was a mistake.

This guy doesn't know what a mistake means.

So I'm locking in Jim.

And that's what he has.

He's the only one who misread the entire question of the show.

In a few minutes now, he's going to say, My name is Jim.

That's his other story.

All right.

I'm not agreeing with you, but

I don't want Chris to pull so far ahead of me if it is him.

Good tactic, good tactic, good strategy.

My vote to Chris Stanley.

Good strategy.

Everybody's locked in, Alex.

That story belongs to Chris Stanley.

Smart, good, smart.

Smart.

This is my first time.

This is my first time.

Good game, Lewis.

Damn.

So the year was 2000.

I was walking into the

cafeteria of Brooklyn Technical High School, and my buddy Zach was like, hey, check out this jar.

And then it was like one of those those, like, you know, brown jars, so you couldn't really see what was in it.

And then I smelled it, and it was disgusting.

And then he was like, dog, that's my cum.

You just had a smell memory, didn't you?

I just saw your face.

You had a smell memory.

Yeah, no shit.

It was a jar of cum.

Old cum.

Fucking nut.

Filled with smell.

Did you ever find out why he kept it around?

Because he was hilarious.

Zach, Zach.

Who's a young Gilbert Gottfried?

Zach Galavanakis.

Yeah, it was Galavanakis.

You're right.

Chris, when was it?

I think it was Eddie Izzard.

Pre-9-11, 2000.

2000?

And where?

Kaduka.

Brooklyn.

He remembers all this, but he doesn't remember who was on the challenger.

It is crazy.

Chris, what was your reaction?

Did you like fucking.

Well, it was understated at first because you know what I mean?

It's just like, wait, what just happened?

And then it hits you again and again.

Understated?

Like, it's a real, like, you're taking in a a perfume.

Exactly, yeah, because like, oh, yeah.

You're letting it dance on your palate.

It was awful.

It's fucking burned into my goddamn brain.

What, did he do it just as a prank?

No, no, no, no.

He asked other people to smell it.

This was just his lifestyle.

He just like fucking saving his cum.

So he came in the jar first and then decided what to do with it.

He goes, I start letting people smell this.

Yeah, he wanted to fill it.

But I was going to keep it to myself.

He wanted to fill the jar.

Can you ever fill a jar with cum?

Because eventually it dries and just becomes flat like the surface itself.

It evaporates faster than it.

You'd have to put on, you'd have to put so much cum to make stacks of dried cum.

No, no, they freeze cum.

I guess you could just put it.

Does it turn into?

No, I'm just talking about if you just come and keep it in a fucking book bag.

You think it doesn't?

You'd have to cum 700,000 loads to build a level of just a thin layer of cum that it would dry up.

Do you think a Puerto Rican boy from Brooklyn couldn't fucking just jack that much

in high school?

Apologies.

Remember on Legion of Skanks years ago, we were going to all, this was a bit that we had an idea to do.

We almost went through with it.

We were going to come, let it dry, then scrape it and sniff it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you should do that.

Yeah, yeah, come on.

It was going to be one of the wheel of punishment, snorting somebody's cum.

The wheel of punishment.

That's right.

Yeah.

Big fat rail of nut.

Snorting a fucking rail of nut.

that Ari escaped.

Yeah.

Mature.

All right.

Well, where are our points at, Alex?

All right.

You're lucky, Lewis.

On the scoreboard in last place with four points, Big J.

Fuck you, Alex.

I mean, boo.

You host the show.

Boo.

Boo.

In fourth place with six points, Jim Florentine.

Yeah.

What up?

In third place with seven points,

Colum Turtle.

Nine of the people.

In second place with 13 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And still in the lead with 16 points, Chris Stanley.

Thank you.

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you.

been a big game.

Don't worry, Jay.

I'm not going to let Suddenly Frugal go.

Guys.

It's our book.

It's coming back.

It's in our library.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

I thought the expression, the brunt of it, was actually the blunt of it

until my early 30s.

Interesting.

I want to say this is

Chris Stanley again because he didn't learn things till late.

Dumb as fuck.

Right, the challenger.

Come.

This could be Lewis.

Lewis is dumb as shit.

Yeah.

Not dumb as shit, but.

I'm a published author.

Huh?

I'm a published author.

It's not published as yet.

There's still time to stop it.

Stop the presses.

Listen, I make mistakes like this a lot.

Don't say that.

And this is definitely a mistake, which lets me think it's not Jim Florentine.

No, it couldn't be.

Whose ultimate mistake is not knowing what mistakes are.

Well, I actually made the mistake of believing that.

I voted wrong.

But why weren't they corrected until their early 30s?

Because it seems like if this is such a thing, they were constantly saying the brunt of it in conversation.

Listen, can I tell you why I think this is Lewis?

Why?

Because he's a guy that self-complains like he goes, and then I had to take the blunt of it.

I like what you're saying.

And then blah, blah, blah.

And then I got to take the blunt of it.

Lewis, it's Brunt.

It could have been Lewis penning his new novel.

And then ChatGBC said, that's not the same.

Right.

Lewis just wrote a book where he probably talks about himself taking the blunt of it a lot.

He wanted that as the title.

And he just found out.

Oh, it's not his early 30s now.

No,

that's the key.

I don't know.

Either way, I'm going to smoke a brunt after the show.

God damn it.

It's him.

That's a clue.

Some does him.

Yes.

Oh, I mean.

I mean, look, call him, you know, English sense.

English is his third language or something.

I have no idea what he's speaking over there.

I'm the best of English in this panel.

Want to fuck with me?

Yeah.

I mean, this also could be an American expression, and that's why he was saying it the wrong way.

Right, that's what I was thinking.

He doesn't understand our crazy American words.

It's a hard language, it's a very difficult language,

but I know Cantonese.

That's why you confuse your R's with your L's.

Maybe it's J.

Anyone here do a little time off?

No.

But it's a very special.

Then I would still believe that it is the blunt of it, even if I had it right.

That's true.

You're stubborn.

I'm going to go.

Lewis is answering fast, making me think it's Lewis.

I feel like Jim hasn't said anything at all, so I'm going to go.

Think it's me, baby.

I'm out.

Can you just tell me if it's you?

Jay, you.

Pinch my leg if it's you.

You think it's always me.

Pinch my leg though.

Every story you think it's always.

Pinch my leg if it's me.

It's you?

Yes.

Fuck.

It's Lewis.

He's stupid.

He told me.

Lewis, pinch my leg.

It's Lewis.

I'm going Jim again.

Fuck.

It's got to be.

I think this is a mistake.

Make Jim has a language mistake.

Yeah, language.

Different

I can't affect this game less if I threw a fucking microphone on one of your games.

You're doing great, Jay.

I think you two would have corrected each other, hanging around each other all the time, but somebody said that.

That's why you're talking about it.

Yeah, I love correcting people when I know the right thing.

It does make me really a jam.

I knew you into my early 30s.

If I was saying the blunt of it, you would have corrected me.

Well, there's also a part of me that would just nod my head and shit talk you behind your back.

Caddy.

so caddy i'm like this motherfucker doesn't even know how to speak angler alex all of our answers are in please let me lewis

that story belongs to

column

god damn yes

fuck none of the people

none of the people

it wasn't lewis

i feel lewis was also wrong about it but just didn't write it in

So column, I mean, there's not much more to this story.

No, I just, I said it wrong on a podcast and everyone made fun of me.

So that was...

That does.

The blunt of it sounds better, though, right?

Like it makes more sense.

Nah.

It definitely sounds better.

I'm reading it now.

It sounds the blunt of it.

Like to be blunt.

No, no, we can see it.

So this lady is a college professor.

She says no.

Who is?

The one with the pink hair?

I'm not listening to you.

You don't got your life together at all.

She's a sassy English professor.

Oh, gee, I didn't know you had a little British accent.

Yeah, that's

she slept with two students.

Three students.

Three.

Hot.

They were of age over there.

Oh my god, what are the scores?

In dead last place.

Don't say it.

With four points.

Big J Ogreson.

Just stop voting for me.

It's going to be you eventually.

I want to see the stats of how often Big J thinks the story is made.

It's crazy.

You've tripped.

Except when it is you, I say not you a lot.

I got you once tonight.

Once tonight.

That's good.

Go ahead, Alex.

In fourth place with 10 points, Jim Florentine.

In third place with 11 points, Column Turrell.

Wow.

Man of the people.

Man of the people.

Man of the people.

In second place with 16 points, Chris Stanley.

Motherfucker.

This is it.

And now in the lead with 17 points, Louis Jay Gomez.

Fucking tight.

It is getting exciting for everybody but me in here.

Because one person is going home suddenly frugal.

Leah Ingram delivers a crash course in conscious living for anyone ready to reclaim control over their finances.

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The book is both a guide and a wake-up call.

It's not just about saving money, semicolon, nice.

It's about making informed choices that align with your values, your goals, and your future.

I know, I can see it.

I'm excited.

Very close, Chris.

Oh, yeah, I know.

We have one more story.

This is fucked up.

I could go take a shit and change nothing.

Alex.

Story number eight.

Story number eight.

A girl insisted I wear a condom, and I didn't have one, so I used saran wrap instead.

Definitely fucking Lewis, man.

Come on, every story's him for sure.

The smart

Alex just changes it.

If I get too close,

she's working.

They're in cahoots.

The smartest man alive is on this fucking panel.

Did Lewis have saran wrap in the house growing up?

Ooh, that's a good question.

I think it was probably parchment paper.

I wrapped my dick in Reynolds wrap.

That's a spiky.

Spiky aluminum.

I mean, I wouldn't,

I just would convince her to not wear a condom at that point.

I'm very good at that.

This could have been young.

This is

Jim Florentine down the shore, fucking some sloppy pig after a Bon Jovi concert.

This is really high.

I only saw Bon Jovi at the garden, so I wasn't

sure.

Never mind.

Never mind.

Never mind.

It's not Jim.

I was sure it was that Bon Jovi night.

No, see, but this is the girl insisted I wear a condom.

So that's when Lewis McGuyve wrote up a fucking

colour.

I was like, give me a pen, a piece of cub, and a q-tip.

This is after 20 minutes of him saying he's fine, there's no reason to wear a condom.

He goes, all right, fine, let me go fancy something.

No, I got this cool, I got a cool one from Europe.

Yeah.

I'm going to zhuzh something up in the fucking kitchen real quick.

But Jay, did you ever hear Lewis talk about this?

An elastic band.

No, I don't.

Well, there's no way you fall.

Do you think he would have brought that that up, though?

I do.

I do.

I do think he would have brought that up.

I think he would have just said he was using Saran wrap and then slipped it off right before he went in and fucked it wrong.

Oh, come on, dude.

You think I would stealth and admit it on a podcast?

Yes.

What is it, dude?

What is it?

Do you have Florentine?

Oh, Saran Rap broke.

Dropping shit over there.

This could be Big J, though, too.

Could be.

I'm going Jim Florentine.

You don't think on the road?

I've said so many times that Jim Florentine.

I think his dick is too small to wrap saran wrap around.

Wow.

Saran wrap could wrap a peanut, dude.

It clings.

It's called Kling Wrap.

You're fucking...

Now it might be Lewis, bro.

Oh, you're fucking

Kling wrap.

Kling film.

Oh, I want to say you now.

I'm so pissed.

It's Jim, though.

This is Jim.

I'm getting a Jim vibe.

This is fucking.

See, it's Jim fucking playing pussy.

See, I think it's Lewis, but then you would have heard the story.

The question is.

Because Lewis would have told you that before, for sure.

You got hanging out.

Jim.

Jim, explain to me how this is a mistake.

Oh, you're right, Colin.

You know what?

Please, for the love of God, tell me why this is a mistake in any way.

It's genius.

I don't.

Stop it.

This is just, you just, you fucking ghosted it.

You stealthed a chick.

I'm getting Jim vibes.

Jim, is this you?

You think I'm going to admit it?

I want to get a feel.

What is what he hopes for when he does that?

I just want to get a feel for your reaction.

I don't know.

Do you think I would do something like this?

Well, you said you wear condoms.

Yeah.

Oh, he did.

He did admit that.

But she insisted.

This isn't insisting of wearing a condom.

He didn't have one at the time.

We didn't have one, yeah.

It sunk to the bottom of that river.

No, Jim gets a lot of pussy.

And he has a lot of saran wrap.

I would sooner just fucking jerk off before putting saran wrap on my dick.

Really?

That's not a good thing.

Saran wrap is crazy.

I don't believe that.

It's Lewis.

The one time I didn't vote for him.

It's him.

But Jay, you're wrong all the time.

Yeah, but Jay there.

Yeah.

I am the worst at the game.

Yeah, you are.

At least tonight.

No, no.

100% of the time.

Column is just convincing girl to not wear a condom guy.

I just wouldn't wake her up.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That is the easiest thing.

I'm getting married.

Now, what about Chris Stanley?

I'm getting married next week.

I get this off my chest.

I feel like Chris Stanley tells a bitch straight out of the gates, no condoms, or he ain't showing up.

I'm going Chris.

What if he's there and she insists?

But this is.

It could be Chris Stanley.

This is very good.

God damn it.

I'm sure he didn't have a lot of chances to get laid.

What the fuck?

I can't picture Chris too.

We're rapping as Dick and Saran rap.

I don't know why I can't picture it.

No, I would actually just jerk off.

Yeah, with Saran Rap still.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that is the most efficient way to clean up.

Yes?

Jim Florentine is my answer.

That is my answer, too.

Chris Stanley getting two votes.

Everything is on.

I can't answer Jim because then we'll tie, correct?

No, I would win.

You would win.

I'm a point ahead of you.

Okay, you would win.

We need to hope that I'm wrong and you're right.

Can he vote for himself?

No.

Okay.

So it's not you.

So I can't say Jim, and I really need to learn how to manage money.

I'll tell you, this dude's not me, but it's not me at all, but I could definitely wrap my dick in a saran wrap.

So I'm going to say,

dude, I can rap it so much.

You got to go, Lewis.

I probably have to use a pretty good poll.

That's the only way you can win this.

Look, band strategy, dog.

All right.

I want to say Jim, too.

Oh, look at Lewis's face.

Oh, he's smiling big.

He's smiling big.

Well, I want to hit you.

What is it?

It's fucking Jim.

It's not, it's Jim.

So happy if it's Alex.

The final story belongs to

Jim Florentine.

Yes!

I knew it!

Woo!

I knew it.

A little bit less and less, please.

Not one mistake mentioned.

Guess I'll be poor forever then.

Why would I learn this book's secrets?

Jim told another non-mistake story.

No.

it wasn't.

She might have edited it down.

It wasn't a mistake because that was my first girlfriend.

She broke up me the next day because I used Saran Rappa.

Because.

Yeah.

There's a lot of subtext in this.

I see.

It's about the human condition, Kanye.

It's an allegory.

To this day, I think about her every time I eat leftovers.

Yeah, I bet.

Good game.

Alex, make it official.

What are our final points?

Fuck.

All right.

Refer to me as man of the people, please.

Coming in last place

with eight points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

I want to break the set, but I don't know how sturdy it is.

In fourth place with 11 points.

Call him Turtle.

Man of the People.

In third place with 14 points, Jim Florentine.

Big jump.

Big jump.

And in first place, your winner tonight, Louis J.

Gomez with 21 points.

Oh my God, that

hurts so much for you, Chris.

No shit.

You could taste it.

You could taste that fucking victory, but it didn't happen.

Louis J.

Gomez, everybody, your repeat winner must be nice.

I hope this book sucks.

I hope you have to read the whole thing.

Books are dumb as shit anyway.

Thank you so much to our amazing panel.

One more time, everybody, for Calm Terrell.

Chris Stanley, great Jim 14.

Thank you guys so much for checking out Story Wars.

We're here every week at the New York Comedy Club.

Make sure you check us out on GastDigital.com, everybody.

Thank you so much.

Until next time, I'm Big Jay Okerson.

I'm Louis J.

Gomez.

Peace.