044. Tony Hinchcliffe, David Lucas, & Valerie Vaughn | Family

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Fill her up.

You're listening to the gas digital network.

Nashville Comedy Festival.

Welcome to Story Ward.

Give it up for the Story Warriors.

Dick J.

Okerson and Louis J.

Gomez.

What is up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars.

We are your Story Warriors, Big J.

Okinson and Lewis, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Jay Gomez.

That's right.

That's right, May Bargatzi.

We're taking over your town.

These people are animals, everyone.

Savages.

We have no papers.

We need papers for sure.

No, they're going to give them to us too.

How many people here are familiar with the show Story Wars?

They all are, Joe.

They all are.

They all are.

They would just randomly come to to this little tiny portion of the comedy club for no reason at 10 o'clock at night.

Well, you'd be surprised.

How many people are unfamiliar with Story Wars?

One guy.

One asshole in the back.

Everyone spit on that guy right now.

No, he's not an asshole.

He seems all right.

He's here getting ready to have a good fucking time, everybody.

Oh, thank you very much, Alex.

Everybody, the lovely Alex, our producer.

Our narrator and producer.

We have an amazing panel of contestants tonight on Story Wars.

Let's get it fucking going and bring them out here right now, everybody.

Our first contestant, you know him from his special on YouTube, Uncancelable, make some noise for the hilarious David Lucas.

Or so we thought.

There he is.

Yeah.

Yes, sir.

And our second contestant, you might know her from Kill Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for Valerie Vaughan.

They're very slow on the left-hand side of the room.

I don't know what's happening over there.

Just claps just stop.

Valerie Vaughan.

You knock her drink over.

On her.

There she is, guys.

Clap it up.

I would say what a piece of shit, but that was a fantastic whistle.

That was me.

I mean, was it?

That was me, yeah.

Do it again.

That sounded better the first time.

Valerie, thank you so much for joining us.

Our third contestant, last but not least, from the show, Kill Tony.

Make some noise for the one and only Tony Hitchcliffe, everybody.

I wish they were as excited to see us.

Jesus Christ, you fucking pieces of shit.

They barely clapped when we came out here.

We got to do this, dude.

We should start doing this when we come out.

Hey, everyone, welcome to Story Wars.

Hose us down with your cum of adoration.

A bunch bunch of blow hanging out of my nose.

It's all right, dude.

Showbiz, man.

Good to be here.

I'm glad you thank you guys so much for having me.

You know, I filmed Netflix, Kill Tony, 12 years in the making this week.

It comes out at midnight.

I sold out two Bridgestone Arenas here in Nashville.

But man, being at Story Wars on a Sunday night in the closet connected to Zaney's is the highlight.

It's the highlight of my week because this is what it's about.

It's about the roots.

It's about the grits and the gravy of comedy.

It's not all about the big Netflix deals and arenas.

It's this is where it all starts is in tiny cavernous rooms just like we started Kill Tony in the belly room 12 years ago.

So if you guys play your cards right in 12 years, you can be successful.

I'll be 60.

We're only expecting Jay to live for another eight years.

You want me to make it to 60?

Oh my God, I got to stop smoking.

If you are unfamiliar with the game Story Awards, a quick explanation.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis?

Family.

Family.

Alex, we'll read those stories out one at a time in no particular order.

It will appear here on the screen.

If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It is your job to fool everybody else here to think it's not yours.

If it is not your story, it's your job to figure out whose story it is.

And for every person you fool, you get one point.

Every time you guess a story correctly, it is two points.

Once you write the name on the dry erase board, put it in the little slot right here.

Very high-tech stuff we have.

Then that is your final answer.

You can't change it.

And by the way, we're not just playing for fun.

Jay, tell them what we're playing for today.

Oh, boy.

You're always playing at Story Wars for a book from the Story Wars library.

And tonight, it's a very special one.

A signed copy of Permanent Record by Mary H.K.

Choi.

Permanent Record is a coming-of-age story about falling in love when you're still figuring yourself out.

Pablo Rind is 20, deep in debt, and working the night shift at a Brooklyn bodega after dropping out of college.

He's stuck, directionless and spiraling, until a chance encounter with a celebrity turns his world upside down.

Wow.

I

really hope I win that fucking book.

You want that, dude?

Permanent record.

Wow.

Mary H.K.

Choi, I'm guessing Asian.

Wow.

It's gotta, I gotta win that.

Is the only person on the stage that knows how to read?

No,

my master taught me how to read.

You did?

You did?

Wow.

Incredible.

This is your first time enjoying Mary H.K.

Choi or Bok Choi because you don't eat vegetables, you fat fuck.

Yes.

More jokes like that are in the barrel.

Ready to go.

A bok choy joke.

If anybody doesn't have any questions and we're all ready, I say,

let's get to war.

Thank you, Roots.

Alex.

Story number one.

Story number one.

When I was 10 years old, I ruined my family's trip to Disney World by crying and freaking out so much that we had to leave after only an hour.

Tony, you're going to draw it.

Tony just wrote N-word on the.

So your early guest is David Lucas.

I know exactly whose story that is.

Exactly?

Yeah.

Well, whose do you think it is?

It's between the the five of us?

Yep.

Yeah.

Between all of us.

It could be any one of us.

I would say, Tony, this does have Tony Hinchcliffe energy

crying and freaking out so much.

No.

I know his mom.

She's not leaving Disney World.

She pays her money.

That's a real white girl right here.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking first, too.

This could be Valerie.

I've never been to Disney World.

I believe it.

This is why no women that get fake boobs ever went to Disney World as a child.

It's a thing.

If you have the love of your family, you don't need fake boobs.

That's true.

You were either not taken to Disney World by your father or taken to Disney World by your uncle.

Yeah,

I feel like this has Tony Hinchcliffe energy all over it.

I did.

It was my first,

I mean, I have been to,

I was.

He is tongue twisted right now, folks.

I have been, by the way, a disclaimer, I hate it when comedians do this, but I am going to give one.

I have been day drinking all day with Kid Rock.

So, I'm in, I know I don't seem drunk, but believe it or not.

Well, if you're going to day drink, that's the got to do it with.

No doubt about it.

In Nashville, Tennessee.

Was you Kid Rock and an Eagle?

That's what I picture.

It's a bald eagle.

I swear to God, I was directly next to a fucking eagle.

In fact, I hung my towel.

I went in the hot tub at one point.

I hung my towel on an American Eagle.

She was there.

There's a geranium.

She was there was not what we were all expecting.

She was there.

This could be Tony also, because at 10, he was battling a fucking gender issue.

And he probably started crying because he couldn't put on Snow White's dress.

You probably left after an hour at 10 years old at Disney World because you couldn't close the latch on any of the rides otherwise.

You fucking piece of shit.

David, I don't know if that did happen to you, but I will tell you, this is not my story, but I've had to walk off many a ride in my life.

There's nothing worse than your girlfriend that can fit on the ride following you off.

So everyone knows you're ruining her good time, too.

My eating has now caused no fun for both of us.

But I wasn't 10 when that happened.

Yeah,

I don't believe that black people get to go to Disney World in their childhood either.

So it's not Valerie.

It's not David.

I don't think think it was Jay either.

I don't think Jay went to Disney World when it was good.

I think it's Val.

I think it could be Val.

I think it could be Tony.

I didn't go to Disney until I was 19 years old.

That was the first time I went to Disney World.

Fucking grown-ass Puerto Rican ass Puerto Rican.

Selling churros, nigga.

You got a job as goofy.

It was Val.

I don't give a fuck what she says.

That's some white parent shit, bro.

And I know Tony's mom, and she's Italian.

We all know Tony's mom.

Yes, my 76-year-old obese mother.

Yes, you know her well, Louis.

Yeah, I call her Mickey Moose.

Ooh.

I call yours

Dead Brenda.

You can't call her.

She's in Puerto Rico.

She needs some toilet tissue right now.

Yeah.

I think, man, I'll start the vote.

Start the voting, Jay.

My first instinct.

That was my first instinct.

I'm sticking with it.

Val, is this not you?

I live right next to Disneyland, so why would I go to Disneyland?

Ooh.

And where'd you grow up?

In Huntington Beach.

Huntington Beach.

Yeah.

Nobody's going to Disney.

Nobody's going to Florida to go to Disney.

It's a great point.

No, she.

Well, then I'm with Lewis.

I'm going with my first instinct, Tony Henchcliffe.

He's whiny.

He looks like a 10-year-old boy.

Yeah, I'm super whiny.

This is him right there.

He cries.

He freaks out.

He's Tony Henchcliffe.

That's, I cry and freak out all the time.

That's the secret to wild success.

No doubt about it.

At the mountaintop, it's just all of us crying and freaking out.

It must be so sad there.

Well,

this is an interesting conundrum for me because while I've sat mostly silent, I will say that it could be Val, but I'm also getting a suspicious feeling from the other table over there.

Now, I know it's not David Lucas.

Because he doesn't cry and freak out at all.

But I feel like one of you two may have had a little fucking temper tantrum.

Lewis cried at Milo O'Notis.

Don't be an asshole.

I didn't cry at Milo O'Notis.

I cried while describing the plot of Milo O'Notis to my friends while I was drunk.

I'm going fucking.

I think Big Jay is actually a pretty good answer.

As you wrote that, I'm going, fuck, this could easily be Big Jay.

He was a whiny little bitch of a kid.

You've told me this before.

I was.

Alex, all of our stories are in.

That story belongs to Big Jane.

Foxes.

Fuck.

Tony, by the way, Tony played this last week in Austin, and Tony is very good at this.

And I got beefed with fucking double points shit, by the way.

That's some bullshit.

I got up eight to one against everybody last week and ended up fucking losing.

That's bullshit.

Yeah, in the rare occasion that my father was kind of forced to take me with

his new wife and her kids to Disney World, we got there, and because I had no father figure, I was really girly.

And one of my...

Yeah, you have more of an ant figure?

Yeah, one of my girly things was I was terrified of weather, which you do know that about me before.

Bad weather scared the shit out of me.

Weather.

Yeah.

I thought you said leather.

I'm like, well, that turned out

getting over that.

Not anymore.

Weather, like bad weather would scare the shit.

I mean, Florida is like notoriously just constant.

So when the skies would get out there, they get like black for a half hour.

Yeah.

Looks like David Lucas on a hot air balloon.

Absolutely.

But no teeth in sight.

You know what I mean?

Just David Lucas.

Yeah.

And it was terrifying skies.

And I knew it was only going to, I didn't know this, but we know.

Everyone else knew it's going to last 30 minutes and then it'll be sunny again.

But I had such a freak panic attack that we were all going to die in some fictitious end-of-the-world storm that was coming that eventually my father disappointed so much, I assume, that we didn't speak much until I was in my 20s after that.

But he,

yeah, we got on the fucking monorail, and I remember everyone just being like head-shaky, like, what the fuck?

But I was not going to make it through the rest of that day.

So I ruined Disney.

Wow.

And in the turn, drove my father away.

Yeah.

I side with your father.

Yeah.

Well, you can all side with the fact that I just had a pretty great fucking round there, Bub.

God damn it.

Worst record in the history.

This might be your game, Jay.

This might be your game.

Maybe this is quickly, pull ahead early.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

On the scoreboard with two points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

And in the lead with three points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Wow.

It feels sweet.

Ooh, it feels sweet.

Wow.

All right.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

My sibling once took mushrooms and then got arrested for going to sleep in a tent inside of a wall office.

that's white that's white

that's white the mushrooms that make me think it's white that is some white shit you're right black people just started taking mushrooms in the last three years if it was my if it was my siblings if it was my siblings smoked crack and then got beat up by a cop i would think it was david lucas but yeah or val

val are you an only child

no i have a brother okay

how old is your brother uh he's two years older than me so he's like what 45

you son of a bitch.

Sam, Louis, Lewis, you invite us here, and then you fucking go, oh, you look at you.

That's how he gets him, dude.

Tony's a whiny bitch.

You've been begging me all day.

You want me to show the crowd the text messages?

Yeah, I'm going to show you.

You keep begging me to come here.

I will show you the text messages.

There were no Canadians at this festival.

15 times Tony says, I'm coming, that I'm not coming.

I'm coming.

Sorry, I'm hanging out with Kid Rock right now.

I can't answer you.

I'm coming.

I'm not coming.

I thought we were sexting each other.

I was spelling it C-U-M-M-I-N-G.

That's how much I cop.

Yeah, I mean, just so you know, I was third hand

living the whole drama.

He was like, Tony's coming.

We're all good.

And I was like, breathe easy.

Show's going to be great.

He's like, Tony hasn't answered and said nothing to me.

In two hours, he's gone, ghost.

I swear to God, one day when you're at Kid Rock's house for the first time and you're looking around at all this crazy shit, it's literally a White House replica.

It is the most diabolical house anybody has ever seen in their fucking lives.

And one day you're going to be there and you're going to be like, oh, now I know why he wasn't texting me back.

Now I get it.

Yeah.

You need to tip out in the wild turkey lounge here.

Yeah, about story wars on a Sunday in a fucking black box.

What is this?

I went to the other, by the way, I went to actual Zany's.

I walk into the green room.

There's like fucking five creepy liberal white open micers looking back at me.

I'm like, I think I'm in the wrong place.

So there's somewhere else that rare vibe of just like people like, oh, there he is.

That I've never.

Tony, are you are you an only child?

No, I have a bunch of siblings.

Oh, you have a brother.

I've met your brother.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have a ton of siblings.

Val's got an older brother.

Huntington Beach is a very mushroom-y sort of environment.

Yeah.

California.

How many brothers and sisters do you got?

I got one sister, and she is a degenerate junkie.

So she's not a degenerate junkie, but I don't see Genicee Gomez sleeping in a tent in a Walmart, really.

How many siblings do you got, Big Jay?

Five.

So this could be you, too.

I don't think so.

All of Jay's siblings are like 10 years younger than him.

What city did you grow up in?

What city did you grow up in?

Philly.

So Walmart was like a big deal there, huh?

I didn't know there was a Walmart was a thing when I was younger.

Walmart is their Gucci.

Yeah.

Philly.

In Philly, you're probably right about that, but no, there was no like accessible Walmart.

Now, Kent, listen to Kent.

For people that don't know, these are all randomly generated stories.

So it could be Big J twice in a row very easily.

Val grew up rich.

I don't think her family went to Walmart.

I love that you say they're randomly generated.

Like you run them through a computer system or something and it's not just

one producer who got such

a random story.

Minutes before the show started,

trying to do their work at the last second.

Ooh, are you generating, Cynthia?

Are you generating

the show?

Tony submitted his stories 18 minutes ago.

Whoa, we give it to Alex.

She puts it through the storyator.

And then

the storyometron.

My phone fell in Kid Rock's hot tub at one point in hiding.

Oh, dude, you should sue him.

Ah, okay.

I'm leaning Val on this story.

She's being very quiet.

She's being very coy.

Yeah.

This is something that my brother would do, but it wasn't.

It wasn't him.

I feel like like she just admitted it in a weird way well listen i know tony's brother and i could see him doing this whoa now you're deflecting whoa that's it you do donnie he would do this and i will say walmart is actually a big deal in ohio

is it oh yeah we were always more i had kmart did you guys have kmarts yeah kmart sure yeah oh no for sure there was kmart but i mean uh yeah there was even far mores you guys have far mores

No, I never heard of it.

Uh, I'm thinking it's Tony or Val, Tony or Val.

Val deflected.

She was like, This is something Tony's brother would do.

I think I truly believe this is Val.

There's a very nice Walmart in Huntington Beach.

Ooh, I think Tent City.

They don't put...

But here's the thing: if we all vote Val and it's Tony, Tony's going to pull so far ahead of us right now.

Not so far ahead of me.

But

they don't put tents up in the the hood walmart in the hood no i've never seen a tent fully put up in a walmart inside of a walmart in a in a hood walmarty show for sure

yeah but it's walmart

they put everything behind glass they lock it all down so i don't know let me uh yeah i need a tent and deodorant and toothpaste and nail clippers and uh everything else val is this you it's really not me you think what do you think she's gonna be honest yeah it's not me val is it you i promise She's smiling right now.

She's getting nervous.

It's not me.

Ah, fuck.

I think it's Val, but if it's Tony, he's gonna fuck us up right now.

I'm so pissed.

It's not me.

I'm going, Val.

God damn it.

That was my first instinct.

Never ignore your instincts, Gomez.

Yeah.

All of our answers are in.

I like when you talk it out to yourself.

It's hot.

That story belongs to Tony his father.

What?

I knew it was Donnie.

What did I say?

What did I fucking say?

The crazy fun fact, Val, is that it actually wasn't Donnie.

It was Jeff.

And we were, it was a July 4th Lake House party.

And it was, uh, they took me there.

You know, they're all much older than me, my older brothers, 12 years and 16 years older than me.

And I was like, I don't know, I was like, whatever, cool little age, 14, 15, or whatever.

So I was happy to be at a lake house on July 4th where there's fireworks.

I'm not really drinking or anything like that.

And the big thing was that these people whose house we were at were like,

God, I can't remember.

They owned like a fucking baseball team or something crazy.

And we really shouldn't have been there because we were like three trashy, white trash brothers.

And I'm like, man, I hope nobody does anything stupid.

And my brother ate mushrooms and indeed just left the party, fucking got somehow into the city.

This was like away from the lake house.

And we got a call saying, Hello, this is Sheriff so-and-so.

We got your brother.

We have your brother.

And we're like, Why do you have our brother?

He's like, He was sleeping inside of a tent inside of a Walmart.

And we knew for a fact that he had eaten like way too many mushrooms, like two-eighths or whatever the fuck, like a lot of mushrooms throughout the night.

And

and uh yeah then we had to fucking go pick his ass up from the jail hours later damn sleep did he end up having like a drug problem ever it was just was one dumb mushroom yeah his entire life he ended up having a drug problem and uh

he had a lifelong major problem yeah pretty much but uh this was uh during his sober period

and you know how those sober people do what with a good old mushroom trip so it's not really a funny story it's quite depressing now that I think about it, but I only had minutes to write my family stories.

I'll tell you what's not depressing.

The points you just got, buddy.

Oh, yeah.

Alex, let's look at these scores.

All right.

On the scoreboard with two points, Valerie Vaughan.

Ooh.

With three points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Ooh.

And in the lead with five points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

He can't miss.

Can God stop blessing Tony Hinchcliffe with such great luck?

Did Tony not almost throw a perfect game in Austin?

It was great right up until the very end.

Close.

Yeah, those.

I don't like double.

I want to talk with you guys.

It's kind of crazy.

It's like if the NFL was like, okay, for the last two minutes of the game,

you could get 100 points while I touched on.

It's like,

what the fuck is the rest of the strategic game for?

That would be

the NFL.

That would make the last two minutes of the NFL fucking awesome.

That would really juzh up.

What are you talking about?

You know how great that would be?

That would really throw things into high gear for that last two minutes.

You just named a great idea that they should add to football.

Jot that down, Alex, would you?

The NFL brought to you by Gas Digital.

Have you ever wanted your games to be computer generated?

All right, Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I had an aunt named Cricket.

She used to rob banks with a shotgun.

I mean,

I don't want to be racist here.

I mean,

but every element of this story is black.

Totally computer generated.

I mean,

this is going to be wonderful if it's Val.

I had an aunt named Cricket.

It's the blackest sentence anybody's ever written.

That could have been the whole story.

I have an aunt named Cricket.

How much more black could this story be?

It's like, yo, yo, yo.

I had an aunt named Cricket.

She used to rob banks with a shotgun, and all the bankers would be like, oh, hell no.

And she was like, here, take this motherfucking bag and fill it up, motherfucker.

Aunt Jemima just stole your fucking money, bitch.

That's the only name that would have been blacker.

Only slightly blacker version of this story.

Bro, I noticed.

I saw Rob Banks was somebody's name.

David Lewis, please just defend this here.

First of all, cricket is a southern white name.

No, stop it.

If you're from the South, you know cricket is for white people.

I mean,

moon crickets, it's a whole thing that people say.

Lewis.

You are kind of right because Jimmy the Cricket was a nigga.

Alabama, white.

Listen,

this could be Lewis deflecting hard because Lewis comes from real trash garbage himself.

Don't be that way, Jay.

You also come from trash garbage.

But what is criminal?

What do you want to translate to in Spanish?

Crique?

Cucaracha.

That's always cucaracha.

I know this shit sounds like some shit my auntie would do, but she ain't did this.

Your aunt Cricket didn't do this?

He's like, you know what?

I got an auntie named Cricket, but she didn't know Rob no Bang.

Sure.

Guilty charge on the

I got an auntie cookie.

I don't got an auntie Cricket.

Black aunts and crickets both make noise in movie theaters.

And if I would have wrote this, it would have been A-N-T, because that's Aunt Cricket.

Not Aunt Cricket.

That's white.

Aunt Cricket?

No, aunt's black.

No, it's not aunt.

Auntie.

Oh, Auntie.

Auntie Cricket.

I don't know.

Auntie Clark.

is black.

Or auntie.

We say auntie or auntie, not aunt.

I mean, if this is Val, this is the craziest story ever.

There's no way.

That's fucking.

Val doesn't have an aunt cricket.

What's your auntie's name?

How many aunties you got?

I have

Auntie Amber.

Okay.

I have my Aunt Lee.

Aunt Sapphire.

Are they all strippers?

I don't know.

I have a lot.

Aunt Destiny.

My Aunt Shaniqua.

Any of your aunts start with a C?

No.

Because I'm just trying to see where cricket would derive from.

Like, why would you call an aunt cricket?

Well, maybe she had,

you know, a little

like flincher.

What do they call it?

A tick.

A little cricket tick.

Where she rubbed her legs together and had those inner thigh brown.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She make a lot of noise at night.

You got to lick it before you cricket.

Yeah.

When a fat person wears corduroys, they sound like crickets.

Oh, Oh, yeah.

Just zipping down the street.

I learned that lesson young.

Yep.

Yep.

Sounds like a shit.

I feel like there's some redneck shit.

There's no rednecks up here either.

I feel like.

Hey, Jay's from Philly.

He can have.

It's not a redneck.

What are you talking about?

Feels blackneck to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was more that.

Little Juneck, little blackneck.

All my aunties are established women that have never been to jail.

What about your Uncle Charles Charles?

Charles Charles?

You miss your Uncle Tony reference.

Oh, Charles.

Yeah, this is David.

This is not fun conversation.

This is your fucking conversation.

Super fun conversation, everybody.

That was the shortest round we've ever done in the history of the show.

Glad we dragged it out a little bit, honestly.

We made some jokes.

Big J, that's a ridiculous answer.

Bro, this is not.

You about to be mad than a motherfucker.

Tony says, Holy shit, Tony says, Val last second.

Tony says, Val last second.

Yep, I don't know much about Val, but I know that you guys don't have real families at all.

And I'm going to get Val here just by process of elimination.

And Tony knows all my family.

I might have an aunt who used to rob banks.

I can't wait to hear this shit.

Alex, all of our stories are in.

Fuck, I think Tony's right.

Yep.

I'm right.

This story belongs to

Valerie Farr.

What is happening right now?

He's really good.

I told you that wasn't me, Nick.

Bell, you have a black aunt?

This was my great aunt that my parents never let me meet.

But she used to rob banks.

She was a heroin addict, and she would rob banks with her best friend.

Her friend drove the VW Bug as a getaway car,

and she would go in with the shotgun.

Thelman cricket

crime spree spree together.

Oh my God, that is fucking crazy.

I'm sorry, David.

We were all very racist just now.

I'm really, I feel like we really, we really were out of pocket in a lot of ways, man.

I thought we were.

Y'all thought it was me from the beginning.

Y'all read this shit.

You're like, it gotta be black.

We were flat out killing.

We were killing time to give this show a little stretch.

Let's lay in each story.

I started laughing.

I'm like, nigga, this is not my aunt.

I wish I had a gangster-ass aunt like this.

Right.

I want to just formally apologize to all the black people watching it at home.

Where's my camera?

To the two black people that are here in the audience.

Thank you guys very much.

I'm

David's family, who is here watching the show.

Hey, those are the two black people.

His aunt crickets here.

Those are the two black people.

My grandparents named

all their kids something that would be horrible.

Yeah, I love that you guys, that's how many black friends Big J and Lewis has, where it's like, oh, Cricket's a black name.

Like it's Javante or something.

It sounded very black name.

Oh, Aunt Javante.

It just sounds like it sounds like a racist name that a white person would call a black person.

I started comedy in the Black Circuit, and I worked with a lot of crickets.

There's actually a wing restaurant in Atlanta called J.R.

Crickets.

It's really good.

Nice.

I'm there this weekend.

I'll check it out.

Hell yeah.

David can tell you where every wing restaurant in the country is.

Yeah.

Shut the fuck on that dumbass mustache, bitch.

You look like Tyler Perry presents Puerto Rico, bitch.

That's stupid.

You look like Tyler Perry.

That wasn't that good.

That was okay.

It was pretty good because Lewis doesn't know what Tyler Perry looks like.

No idea.

You all kind of looked at the strongest.

You know what Lewis actually looked like?

He looked like one of them 1940 circus strongmans.

If he noticed his hat off, you know the niggas that pick up the weights with the circles on the outside?

Lewis.

Watch the strongest man in the world.

If Lewis wore

one of of those one-strap singlets,

I feel like this is what white people thought Tarzan looked like 50 years ago.

You know what you look like?

You look like Big J Shadow.

That was not good at that.

That wasn't that good.

Fuck.

I've also lost substantial weight.

You have one.

Boy,

that wasn't that good.

Welcome to another episode of That Wasn't That Good with Luis J.

Gomez and David Lucas going back and forth.

It's unbelievable.

Only at the room connected to Zane's.

The room connected to Zane's.

Yeah, I feel like.

Y'all should just change the name of this show to a black show called That Ain't Me.

Damn.

Trademark that.

Alex, shut that down.

We have to trademark that before a black person steals this show.

That ain't me.

That ain't me.

It's such a better name than Story Wars.

Please, God.

I'm going to make that shit next week.

It's going to be BT.

Buy the URL right now.

That ain't me.

Val cleaned up.

Tony pulled ahead even more.

Alex, where are our points at?

Fuck.

Is Tony ahead?

Yeah.

A lot now.

All right.

Normally, he's behind.

Hey, you son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

What's the next door?

David's score is the exact same as his credit score, ladies.

This is incredible.

My credit score is terrible.

I be paying so much money for bullshit.

What's the scores, Alex?

With zero points each, Luis J.

Gomez and David Lucas.

Wow.

Hey, that one wasn't good either.

That wasn't good.

That ain't that good.

That ain't that good.

With three points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Yeah.

It's showing.

It's showing.

You're still in the game, bro.

With five points, Valerie Vaughn.

And in the lead with seven points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

America

is gray sundy.

He has pour a drink on a lobby.

Yeah.

Were you guys not at Kid Rocks today?

From Sea

Shining Sea.

I'm getting nervous.

Tony's pulling far ahead right now, and I want this book.

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I marry H.K.

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I sign it every day.

Buy my book.

It's so far.

Oh, you've seen her interviews, I see.

You guys might not know because you're racist, but that was a dead-on impression of Mary H.K.

Choi.

Maybe the best in the business.

I sign it and everything.

I don't know how.

It's like he summons her.

Yeah, I don't look her up tonight.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

Computer generator.

I keep a family member's cremated remains in a shoebox.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

This is also a very black sentence.

Y'all been fooled once already.

Don't start looking at me.

Y'all niggas thought I had a hunt cricket.

Can I tell you my first feeling on this?

Lewis.

Don't be that way.

I think it's Lewis.

The cap of my pen cannot come off fast enough.

We, hold on.

Don't just start voting, you psychos.

What are you doing?

Oh, you don't want to eat the vote, huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Talk it out.

Talk it out.

I was raised Catholic.

We don't cremate our family members.

We bury them.

That's just true.

You're wasting your vote.

You can't afford that.

You're wasting your votes.

They jumped in quick.

They jumped in quick.

You guys are idiots.

All of you guys, it's too late to change your votes now.

You've wasted your votes.

We don't cremate any of our family members.

They are all buried.

They're buried literally.

Am I lying?

My aunt, my grandma, and soon to be my, or I'm sorry, my great-grandma, my mother, and soon to be my aunt, all in the same hole.

I swear to God, that's it.

That's true.

I had dinner with the aunt the other day.

It's coming.

Yeah.

They're all in the same hole.

All in the same plot, and there's no headstone either.

What the fuck?

What city is it in?

Jesus Christ.

Lewis, by the way, Lewis.

Well, down to the fucking wire, lie his ass off in this game.

I swear.

Even after you voted, he doesn't want me to also do it.

Please.

Vote for me, idiot.

What city city are they buried in?

I don't even know.

Exactly, liar.

No, I'm not.

I swear to God.

How you don't know where your mother's buried.

I never visit my mother's grave.

You didn't go to the funeral?

I've never once.

Yes, you do.

I swear to God.

You told me you learned how to play Tears.

In my dead mother's life, I never visited my family.

But you don't know where she's buried.

I swear in my...

May my mother burn in hell.

No, my name.

If I saw you in heaven,

somewhere in Rockland County, New York is my great-grandmother, Rose, and my mother.

They're in the same plot.

I'm going to give my aunt a headstone in her own plot because she wants it.

She's like, no, just bury me in that plot.

Not happening.

Just throw me in the hole.

Yeah.

Keep me in a shoebox in your house.

My father.

No, my dog is in a shoebox in my house.

You keep talking this.

You keep talking this out.

Who do you think it is?

Why did you burn your dog?

I don't know.

Give me a second here.

I'm thinking it's probably David Lucas in the future.

You keep the friendship.

Just to me.

What'd you say?

Why'd you burn your dog, but not to me?

Why'd I burn the dog?

Because you cremate the dog.

You don't bury the dog.

That's crazy.

Some people consider their dogs their family members.

Not Lewis.

That is true.

That's a good point.

But I wouldn't, that'd be crazy.

No.

Lewis wouldn't have fucked the family member.

Only a dumb white bitch would think their dog is their family member.

Not me.

No, no, I'm sorry.

Not that you're a dumb white bitch, but that is a very dumb white bitch mentality.

No, that's not my family member.

I don't think it's Jay.

I keep, this seems like a David Lucas thing, or maybe a Tony Hinchcliffe thing.

Well, you're in for a special treat.

A very special treat because it's your ad.

You're my mom's dead body.

Bring out his

mom's dead body.

Yeah.

Bring that shoebox out, bro.

You're an idiot, Jay.

You're wasting your fucking steel toe.

I'm letting you know.

You're deflecting so hard.

I'm joining David Lucas.

But you burned your dog.

David Lucas.

David Lucas.

That lets me know it's you.

You're just whipping.

Bro, you know, black people have funerals.

We always have fish fries to bury our relatives.

They do, but black people don't cremate, do you?

No.

They have fish fries?

Yeah.

Man, you must have been to a lot of funerals.

david used to be a funeral dj

wicket wicket i keep a family member's cremated remains in a shoebox lewis is using his producer brain right now he's like that went too fast everybody

burning their

burn some time about burning time you guys all wasted your vote you're you guys are all fools you're a fool

for putting your family in a shoebox

who's a fool yep Lewis, what kind of shoebox do you keep your shoebox?

No, the VIs.

It's the shoebox.

And you know one thing about black people, we always

waste a shoebox.

You're right.

We We don't waste a shoebox.

I got all my shoeboxes.

That's true.

Is this Tony Hinchcliffe?

I'm George Point.

That's my point.

Exactly.

You get it.

All right.

Who do you guys think it is?

Big Jay.

I don't think it's Big J.

I've been to Big Jay's house.

There's no.

It's not me.

It's not me.

Shut your fucking face.

I wouldn't be wasting this much time.

I swear to God, it's not me.

Yes, you would.

Go ahead and vote, bro.

Everybody don't vote.

I'm going to go fuck it.

Tony's a weird one.

I'm going Tony Hinchcliffe.

Come on, I need these points.

You will get

nothing.

You will get less than nothing on your own story.

I can't wait to know less.

You will end up with zero.

Alex, where are our points?

I'm sorry.

Whose story is it?

That story belongs to David Lucas.

Fuck, that's right.

God fucking damned it.

Yes, sir.

I told you guys.

I'm more excited about you getting zero than me not getting it right.

I put my daddy in a Jordan box.

What year?

I cremated him.

I put him in a Jordan 11 box.

Nice.

This is what I just guessed.

He died, and his ex-wife didn't want to give up their insurance information.

So they called me and I was like, this nigga was not in my life enough for me to pay for a funeral.

And the funeral home told me that a cremation was $3,500 $3,500 with the chapel rental.

And I said, sign me up for that.

We had a big picture of the nigga in his heyday.

And the ashes was already delivered to my house.

And my mom said, what you want to do with him?

I said, put him in one of them shoeboxes and put that nigga in the garage of my favorite car so he can make sure don't nobody steal it.

And that's the truth.

He's in my garage right now.

Wow.

God damn it, you idiots.

You almost voted for me.

I was right there.

Fuck, I changed it to Zoni at the the last minute.

I said, because I said black people don't waste shoeboxes.

It's true.

Which I was mad I had to waste a shoebox.

He was curious.

I was mad for you, David.

I got to be honest with you.

Almost put them in a punk can.

Sometimes, David, to connect with his father, you can't tell he's wearing a jacket, but he dips his elbows in the ashes before he goes out.

Sometimes

he has to have ashes on his black elbows.

Oh, well, we lost here.

There we go.

You can't handle it.

Can't handle it.

Get out of the kitchen.

There goes Aunt Cricket, everybody.

She's either angry or she has to.

She just reminded her she has to go lotion her elbows.

She's like, oh, fuck.

That reminds me.

How many points I got now?

Fuck me, Alex.

Where are our points at?

With zero points.

Shut the fuck up.

You don't have to say it.

You don't have to say the zeros.

That could just be known.

You flew here for this.

With three points in fourth place, Big Jay Oker Son.

I'll be honest with you, I come out of the gates humming every week, and then I never score again.

Almost weekly, that happens.

I'm like, here I go.

I've arrived.

This is bad.

Don't shake your head, no, Alex.

She has a great voice to deliver that answer.

Bad news.

Yeah, you're right.

In third place with four points, David Lucas.

Yeah.

You know what it is, David.

That story was great.

She doesn't like me or Lewis, so she loves telling us when things are going bad.

Fucked up, Alex.

In second place with five points, Valerie Vaughan.

And in the lead with seven points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Do you want a job?

You want a job with Kill Tony?

Why are you so happy you're giving Tony the lead points?

Do you hear the way she said that?

She was so excited.

It's exciting for her.

I love Tony.

It's exciting.

Hello, Alex.

Oh, you guys, too, up.

You know what, Alex?

Do you like arenas?

Lewis's biggest fear.

Don't let them find out that producers can make a livable living.

Well

all right we're at the left foot.

We're at the halfway point.

I love this.

At this point we we do plugs but you guys aren't allowed to plug on that side.

I'm pissed.

We get it.

They're doing arenas blah blah blah blah blah.

You You have a pretty big plug, Tony.

Why don't you give it one more time?

Here it is.

We are on Netflix.

I mean, this is it.

Right now, on

a couple weeks, it's out Bill Tony on Netflix.

We also, of course, do it every week on YouTube.

It is, if you think about it, it's an unprecedented deal.

But I'd also, I have a new book that I'd like to plug, and it's called Permanent Record.

It's from Mary H.K.

Choi, and the book is mine.

It will be mine.

I

will have that book.

It is my book.

And it's not for sale.

And it is signed.

Valerie?

Just getinthecar.com.

Go to getinthecar.com and get in the car podcast.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, bro.

David Lucas said.

We make our Netflix debut this year.

I'm on tour at DavidLucasComedy.com.

Fuck with your boy.

Sick.

Big Jay.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

All over the roads.

Look for a city near you.

Big Jokerson, Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

Oh, yeah.

And the first half of my double crowd work special.

Them, they is out.

Them is out right now.

Part two.

Oh, nice.

So part two is out right now, too.

So both parts are, everybody, them and they, both available right now on YouTube.

Please like it, share it, all that shit.

And listen to the bonfire with me and Robert Kelly, Sirius XM Faction Talk 103.

And of course, the legendary Legion of Skanks, the flagship show of the Gast Digital Network.

Come see me on tour.

A bunch of cities.

In May, I got Houston, Fort Collins, I got Fort Myers.

I'm going to Europe.

I'm going to Amsterdam, Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester, and London.

That's all coming up just in May.

Go to Lewisofskanks.com to grab those tickets.

Make sure you guys subscribe to GastDigital.com.

If you guys love this show, we do an uncensored version of the show only available for Gast Digital subscribers.

Plus, there's an on-demand library that has thousands of episodes Zeep with Legion of Skanks and all the other great shows on the network, and a bunch of episodes of Story Wars that you can't get anywhere else.

GastDigital.com, use the promo code WARS with a Z

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and you guys can get yourself a discount on the membership.

Thank you, Tony.

You know,

we're going to cremate you and put you in David's garage

right next to the old man in a pair of chucks.

Oh,

listen, I know a lot of us,

most of us probably feel like we're out of this game.

You're feeling pretty low about yourself.

Lewis, you particularly.

I feel like you're shit.

You feel like shit.

But you know better than anybody.

You're not out of this game.

You're not out of this game at all.

Not at all.

Because for the final.

four stories.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I think it should be.

How many of you think it should should be the final two stories?

No, we've polled the people, and the people have decided that for the final four stories,

we get double points.

Thank you, Roots.

Roots.

People love it.

Yeah, Black Thought and the boys.

Yeah, we hire the Roots, but they can't play.

They don't appear on camera.

That costs more, but they're over there every time.

Quest love.

David's really looking.

This is the world that he lives in, that that could be a possibility.

No, nope.

Don't look too hard.

But that just means simply: whereas if you fooled somebody in your story before, you got one point.

And if you guessed the correct story, you got two points.

Now that goes to double points.

Now.

yeah,

Tony, it's anybody's game still.

Oh, I couldn't.

In fact, I don't even care about the first half.

Who gives a shit?

This is what happened to you last time.

Yes.

You were kicking ass until double points.

You were even way further ahead last time.

Tony hates double points.

We'll be right back after this commercial break.

Like Tony doing a little dog.

Tony's a chihuahua.

If I was a chihuahua, you know who would want to eat me?

Mary H.K.

Choy.

No shit.

But I'll tell you what, in between puppy, fucking jerky, this girl's throwing down a nice book.

Hell yeah.

alex

story number five

story number five

my grandfather was sent to jail for robbing a bank he died months after getting paroled okay dare i say probably valve

turns out david comes from fine upstanding fantastic african-american people and valerie comes from a bunch of unscrupulous pieces of shit

We have two bank robbers on the panel.

Could it be from the same family now?

That would be impossible.

I wouldn't have done two of

the same thing like that.

No.

Unless you had two amazing stories of criminal fucking.

Nope.

No,

I know exactly who this is.

Who?

This is Tony.

And you want me to tell you why?

He does have some like mob ties in his family, right?

Bro,

Tony's daddy is a real.

Garbage man?

man.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

This is,

I know Tony enough, and Tony's car in high school was black and white.

That nigga drove like a Caprice or some shit.

I drove a Honda.

I mean, Tony, you've talked about your father or your family having mob ties, right?

Yeah, yeah, but not anymore, but for a long time.

He got out?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tony grew up blacker than me, bro.

The way things ended up, it's not not like the 90s anymore.

The way things ended up, it's hard to keep up

a true mafia racket nowadays.

The FBI really cracked down on it when it became glorified.

So everybody just went their own ways?

Well, interesting.

Do you know about Youngstown?

He goes, well, dude, the heat's coming down.

Do y'all know about Youngstown?

Huh?

Do y'all know about Youngstown?

Ohio?

Yeah, it's like the halfway point between Detroit and New York.

That's where gangsters will go set up houses.

And Chicago and New York and Cleveland and Pittsburgh.

It's like the halfway point.

It's the halfway point between everywhere.

Yeah.

Well, of the Midwest.

And the main freeway,

Interstate 80/76.

Youngstown is mentioning a lot of rap songs, bro.

This is definitely 1,000%.

If it's Val again, I'm going to be so fucking pissed.

Because David's convincing me that it's Tony.

I know it's not Big J for a fact.

How do you know that it's Sony?

Because I would have heard this story.

There's no way Jay would hide something like this.

Unless I was ashamed until tonight.

Sorry, pop-up.

The world's got to know.

Did you have a grandfather, Lewis?

I know you didn't have a father.

I had two grandfathers, Tony.

No, but you know what he means.

My

father's father was like straight up Puerto Rican from Patterson, New Jersey.

Ew.

But it could also be Val.

She's quiet as fuck right now.

Yeah, Val.

Val hasn't said a goddamn thing.

Val,

when did your grandfather die?

Well, one of them died before I was born, and the other one died.

He died months after getting parole.

The other one died or left.

What kind of job did your grandfather have?

I don't know.

He was a drug addict.

And then my dad died.

How did he get money for those drugs, Val?

Huh?

How did he get money for those drugs?

I don't know.

Val's acting strange as as fuck.

I want to believe this.

I don't believe that Val would be retarded enough to put in two bank robber stories.

That's crazy.

I wouldn't.

There's no way she could be that retarded with tits like that.

Tommy.

No way.

But I feel like Tony's kind of deflecting it onto Val right now.

Yeah.

I mean,

David is so confident.

I've been knowing Tony for like seven years.

All right, geez, why don't you just fucking tell him that I accidentally told you the story once or something?

Jesus fucking Christ, David.

My God.

Double points, everybody.

Oh, it's double points.

Oh,

you guys start bringing up my genealogical fucking line up here.

The grandfather, there it is.

There's his prison sentence.

I mean, I think it has to be.

It has to be Tony, first instinct.

He was a drug addict.

My grandfather was a drug addict.

She said.

No, I'm.

You're going to regret this, Jay.

Shit.

If it's Val and she pulls ahead of everybody right now, that would be hilarious.

I'm gonna go, Val.

Jay's going, Val.

I think this is a bad guess.

Though we caught you on the camera, it wasn't me.

David, Tony says, David.

I did come from a...

You ever seen the movie American Gangster?

Yeah.

That's my great uncle.

What?

Yeah.

Denzel Washington?

Frank Lucas.

Congratulations, dude.

That explains your meteoric rise to success.

No.

Frank Lucas.

Frank Lucas.

The story about the story of Denzel.

Frank Lucas is my great uncle.

That's crazy.

Oh, I mean, it is awesome, but it's not as awesome as Denzel Washington.

I kind of built my emotions around that it was Denzel Washington.

I thought it was one degree of Kevin Bacon from Denzel Washington.

I have a question, Lewis.

What's double.

What do you get for double zero?

What do you get for double zero?

You get two times zero is zero.

Alex, whose story was that?

Fuck, dude.

I'm sorry.

I'll let you guys know.

Fuck you, Tony.

I hate it when people do that on my show.

I didn't mean to do that.

I hate it when people host it.

You motherfucker.

Go ahead, zero boy.

Two times zero.

Call for it.

Two times zero is zero.

But Alex, whose story was that?

You've heard of Zoro.

You're fucking zero.

You need to wear like one of those gay masks.

Can we get, can someone take off?

Can we, sir, you look like Fat the Fat Man.

You look like you're wearing black socks.

Do you mind taking off one of your socks and making eye holes and we can wrap it around Lewis's fucking face and call him zero for the rest?

Doesn't sound like fun.

Yeah.

You're right, Tony.

I did have zero points.

Alex, whose story is that?

That story belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

And guess what?

That round is worth double points.

Oh, no.

So

guess who just took the lead, bitch?

Guess who?

Guess, guess, guess, guess, guess who just took the lead?

Computer generator.

Motherfuck, what?

Yeah.

You just never said this before.

No, I never said it before.

My mother's father, because what's funny is I was going to start stuttering because I said my father's father, and then everyone just moved on.

But my mother's father, I met him one time in his life.

He was in jail my entire childhood because he robbed a bank.

And then he got out, visited us for Christmas one year, and he died like a month after that.

Wow.

That was an awesome motherfucker.

Yeah, he was a badass guy, man.

Spend most of his dude.

Yeah.

And this was the non-Puerto Rican.

This is the non-Puerto Rican.

This is the white grandfather.

Wow.

Even the whites in your bloodline were weak.

Yep.

Unbelievable.

And and, I have no idea where he's buried.

He's actually the ultimate fuck you.

In a shoebox, huh?

Alex, where are our points at?

Oh, fuck.

I love the sound of this.

I do kind of have double zeros, like one zero on top of the other zero.

Oh, my God.

It's pretty fucking sick, dude.

On the scoreboard in last place with three points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Dude, that's wild.

At one point in this game, Lewis said, tonight's your night, dude.

In fourth place with four points, David Lucas.

In third place with five points, Valerie Vaughan.

In second place with seven points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

And in the lead with eight points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Motherfuck.

Oh, that felt so fucking good.

Oh, I was out of it.

Now I'm back in it.

Wow.

What a roller coaster ride this game is.

Well, yeah.

If the hill was at the end, because it fucking double points.

Okey-dokie.

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank yokratom.com for supporting today's show.

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That's 1.1 pounds, Jay.

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Oh, that's right.

I forgot that we're doing double points.

Yeah.

Double pounds.

Double pounds of kratom, everybody.

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kilo of kratom, you're going to get double pounds.

Thank you, Roots.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number six.

I mine last, please.

Story number six.

I started off so good.

My sibling and I lived in a broken Winnebago.

We would push it from one side of the street to the other for street cleaning.

Well,

Big Jay.

Why don't you just sign it, Big Jay Ok?

That's crazy.

Sincerely, Big Jay Okers.

Sure.

No, this is not.

Jay's never let.

Whoa, no, you're not.

Too late.

He didn't take his finger off it.

He did take his finger off it.

You motherfucker.

He did.

He took his finger off it.

You can't change it once your finger's on it.

That's a crazy vote.

Jay lived, all of his siblings are younger than him.

This is.

You guys don't know as much about each other as you think.

He didn't think that you had

a grandfather.

Lewis,

I wouldn't live in a broken Winnebago.

He wouldn't live in a broken Winnebago, and also his siblings are a decade younger than him.

He lived with a child in a Winnebago.

I'm too prissy to live in a Winnebago.

Look at his nails.

You think he's living in a Winnebago?

That's a powder gel I got at Gulch Nails today.

I got powder because the gels I think were starting to value.

You understand?

I think they're making my nails weak.

This could be a dip.

I did a dip.

I think this is Val.

Yeah, not an outside.

This is some Huntington Beach fucking where we're beach kids.

I agree.

I don't know.

My family is pretty white trash, but not like that.

No, I don't believe you, Val.

Sure, it was.

This seems like a Val origin story.

it is no i think it's one of you two maybe

i mean i never know how many uh bedrooms did your childhood at home have lewis i actually lived in a pretty nice house in newport but that's that's also let me tell you something square feet oh i don't know it was a big house at what age did y'all move there uh we moved there when i was seven and we moved out when i was 17.

why'd y'all move out you've totally convinced me that totally sounds believable though there you go why'd y'all move out at 17 because she got this cool new Winnebago.

This sick fucking Winnebago.

Couldn't wait to show everybody your dope-ass Winnebago.

Also,

Big Jay and Lewis could be conspiring to throw us off.

By the way, we have such

massive Story Wars integrity.

We would never do that.

Matt and Shane did it on the show last week, and I will never be actually friends with them again.

Val, Val, Val, Val.

If it's not you, you're wasting your vote.

It's Val.

She's wasting her vote.

It is wasting her vote.

I'm going to tell you this.

A broken Winnebago, I would never listen to a broken

Val or Jay.

And Lewis and his sibling have a hard time living in the same neighborhood alone a broken Winnebago together.

It can never happen.

It's definitely Val.

It's a Huntington Beach fucking love story.

Her and her brother.

No doubt about it.

Totally, Val.

All of our stories are in Alex.

Wow, you guys.

That story belongs to Tony Hinchcliffe.

Why am I so aggressively bad at the game that I am a co-founder of?

Fuck.

Fuck.

That's crazy.

He pulled so far hedges now.

And Tony.

Oh, the Trump dance.

Tony, and

I want you to give due respect right now because I want to let you know, whatever whatever this score is about to break everybody's hearts with is brought to you solely by double points.

You know what?

I love double points.

We love double points.

Always have.

Good system.

Perfect time for it to happen.

So I guess I should explain myself because it is kind of wackadoodle.

I

moved to Los Angeles immediately after high school.

And, well, there was a few months in Columbus, but then I went to LA and my super cool hippie brother that we all know and love, Donnie, did indeed live in a fully operational awesome, like a 19 fucking, I think it was like 68.

Donnie, are you here?

Is Donnie here?

He's in the Winnebago, bro.

He is here.

There he is.

What year was that, Winnebago?

What year was that, Arden?

22 years ago.

No, but I mean, what was the...

72.

It was a 72.

okay

all right and uh and indeed we had it he had a whole setup he was in the driveway of a really nice house with uh there was like it was like three bedrooms and we had there was so there were three people living in the house and we paid minimal rent he was already there so i pitched in too and we had this awesome sr v that was plugged into the thing and uh we didn't have to like run the water or anything because we had a little side door that was it was just a perfect la setup it's a fucking great way to be 18 or 19 in la and we lived a hippie ass lifestyle smoking blunts from the time we woke up all day long one day we had we decided to throw a party up in malibu and you guys ended up white lotusing each other like a company party

We were just going to the beach.

We were going to camp in Malibu and we had only had a paper map.

We didn't have like smartphones at the time.

And we thought we found a single thing.

Where do you guys get pussy in this situation?

Yeah, anytime we wanted because we're built like and we have these faces it's it's different it's that you can't you can never fathom jay anyway but we did we had a we'll just fuck you into winnebago while your brother's there hey i can't finish unless my brother watches

i mean yeah it was it was a wild it was like tour bus life but anyway we uh one more time for donny henchcraft everybody

Anyway, man, he is 80% proud of you and 20% resentful issue.

Donnie, did you hear me tell the story about Jeff at the Walmart?

Yep.

Okay, perfect.

Donnie's trying to do cocaine in the back.

Leave him alone, Donny.

He's living that life.

But what's amazing is that we thought we found a shortcut because we had a paper map and we had a fucking 72 Winnebago that we barely ever drove.

But we're like, let's go.

We're taking our home to the fucking beach.

This is going to be awesome.

And the shortcut, it turned out we didn't read the map properly because it was over the Santa Monica Mountains over like tens of thousands of feet in the sky.

And we completely blew out the fucking engine, the brakes, everything.

I mean, we broke, we found a way to break everything about this vehicle.

And so, yeah,

eventually it didn't work out in the driveway because the fucking owner of the house or whatever is like, you guys gotta, you can't fucking just park up,

whatever, it was like 26, 28 foot RV.

So we ended up pushing it out to the street.

And when you have a broken RV, there's street cleaning every fucking week.

Did you tell your brother Jeff this story and that's why he fell asleep in that tent?

Yes.

Yes.

But you have to picture me and that guy literally every Tuesday having to push this fucking, I mean, massive fucking RV to the other side of the street.

And then the next day, Wednesday's street cleaning on that side.

So you'd have to fucking push it back to the other side.

Just the trashiest shit you can imagine.

Just an in-neutral Winnebago?

Yes.

It sounds dangerous as shit.

Now you're picturing it.

Unbelievably ridiculous.

With a ladder on the back, I assume.

Yep.

Yep.

Fucking crazy.

Sometimes, yeah, it's just insane.

And now, you know, I mean, holy shit.

Look, it's still anybody's game, but Tony pulled very

except for it's probably not Jay's game.

God fucking damn it.

I'm always out by slightly after halftime.

Can I just do the first part?

Can I just say, in last place with three points?

Big Jay Ogerson.

none of us none of us know anything else except that

that is correct in last place all right

everyone knew it was correct I scored three immediately do I get more points

do I get more points for being correct about that

in fourth place with four points David Lucas

In third place with five points, Valerie Vaughan.

In second place with eight points, Lewis J.

Gomez.

Well, that's a lot, Lewis.

That's really good.

It's not over yet, Tony Hinchglam.

And in the lead with 15 points.

Tony Hinchglam.

Lewis.

Lewis, you're our only hope.

Please, do not let Mary H.K.

Choice sign copy of Permanent Record out of our lives.

I'm going.

Do you understand as Pablo is swept into Lee Anne's glamorous orbit?

He's forced to confront the parts of himself he's been avoiding.

With crackling dialogue, smart humor, and heartfelt vulnerability, Permanent Record is perfect for anyone who's ever felt like they're falling behind in a world that never stops moving.

Look, I've read the book twice.

I love the book.

I don't want to let it go.

Keep it here, please.

It's got your cum stains all through it.

You can't stop finishing this book.

Something about Choi's writing style has always finished you.

Hey, let's take a minute and thank our sponsor for today's show, and that is Ridge Wallet.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

My friends and I used to lock my sibling in a closet until they said the N-word.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

Not necessarily.

What do you mean?

I'm out.

We can say it.

They can say it.

It would be a crazy thing.

It would be weird, yeah, I guess.

That's some rich orange county shit.

Look, I've been doing a podcast with Big J for, I guess, 13 or 14 years, and this is your humor.

My humor?

Your humor.

I can see you doing this to your little brother.

I can see you doing this to little Bobby.

Bobby would be funny to see him before.

Yeah, it is funny.

I don't know, but

Orange County is kind of like the South.

They kind of like big truck, redneck energy in Orange County.

But I feel, where'd you grow up, Big J?

Philly, but I don't also think.

But I feel like I don't think a white girl would tell this story.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like this seems like most other people, except for Big J or Tony, would be embarrassed to have this story.

But you're half white, Lewis.

And proud of it.

He's only proud of that half-woman.

I feel like the N-word.

Did you grow up...

Who did you grow with?

Your mom or your dad?

I grew up with my mom.

My dad was murdered when I was four years old.

And your mom is Puerto Rican?

My mom was white.

Oh, white.

So, yeah, N-word would be taboo.

I was called the N-word by the rest of my family.

Oh.

How many siblings you got?

Well, I got...

Stuttering.

You said that.

I got one full sister, and then I got a half-brother and half-sister.

They grew up in the house with you?

I'm just the sister.

Lewis has a sister, and she's older.

She's older than you, right?

She's older than me.

Yeah, so this was sibling, sibling singular.

Yeah.

I wouldn't have a sibling.

We had no problem saying the N-word in my household.

We have to lock in a closet that was like,

it's not only accepted, it's encouraged.

You know, no one knows more about being in a closet than me.

And while, of course, I know this isn't my story, I,

using my pure instincts, know exactly whose story it is.

And that story belongs to Big J.

Wow, wow, very slick.

I have a feeling that Tony's right right now.

I was going to vote for Val because Tony did.

This ended up being me.

I can't vote for me.

Louis J grew up with one sister in the house, which is sibling singular.

Big J, how many siblings did you have?

Eventually three.

Age range.

I was 11 years older than my brother, 15 years older than my sister, and 19 years older than my other sister.

So that was not your house.

I don't like him being a detective right now.

You could be a fucking Sherlock Homeboy.

You could have more than one sibling, and you only locked that one in the closet.

No, but siblings is singular.

Well,

it would still be a specific sibling.

The youngest person

did it to everybody.

All right, so you had how many?

I have one brother.

I used to get locked in the bathroom.

Thank you.

My cousins would lock me in the bathroom and do Bloody Mary.

Toit?

Fuck yeah.

I like it.

Bloody Mary, but never, never that.

Tony's Italian.

They damn near get a pass.

Puerto Ricans damn near get a pass.

Lewis.

Yeah.

Big Jay.

Jay just whispered to me.

He was like, dude, don't waste your vote on me.

It's a waste of a vote.

We're going to lose it.

Jay doesn't want to fucking lose by that.

I could throw a curveball into the mix.

Please.

My grandmother's white.

Whoa.

Your grandmother's white.

Yeah.

Maybe you have white cousins or something.

But you didn't lock your grandmother in the closet

until she said the N-word.

That'd be great.

Okay, I don't do it.

Some of my relatives don't fuck with that word.

Fine, I'm scared.

You got me.

I think I chose right.

It's Val or Big Jay.

But I feel like would Val

would Val say this story?

I could see Big J doing this with his little brother Bobby with his friends.

Philly trashed.

These kids were fucking animals.

There's black people everywhere.

He was afraid of him.

If you grew up white in Philly, you got the N-word pass.

I feel like you did.

I will say it wasn't that big of a deal.

Yeah, but it's just a funny thing to do to your little brother.

It's hilarious.

It's objectively hilarious.

Guys, do this tonight.

If you're you're out there and you have a small child that you could lock into a closet and have him say the n-word to get out come on put your put yourself

it's fucking old steph curry i think i'm gonna go with big j okerson god damn it jay damn steph curry big steph curry oakerson the three-point king

alex let's find out

That story belongs to Big Jay Ogerson.

You son of a bitch.

You were trying to fool me right now?

You don't want to keep the broken off mic.

Let's fucking go.

Off mic, I tried to convince Lewis it wasn't me.

Was it Lil Bobby?

Of course.

And by the way, this is what the 90s were so great.

My assorted mix of white and black friends, we thought it was the funniest thing when my brother was like really little.

We put him in a closet until he would say the N-word.

And then we would all laugh together in racial harmony at how funny that was at a little boy saying the N-word.

And then we would all do whatever we did as friends.

No one really overthought it, except it was funny to hear a little boy say the N-word.

Would he cry?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Him crying the N-word rules.

We go, just say the N-word and you can get out.

Oh, fuck.

That was crazy.

It would be really funny is if you locked him in the closet and then said, say the N-word, and then let him out and open the door.

There's just a bunch of black guys standing outside.

That is genuinely funny.

He had to walk out and face everybody.

I didn't mean you guys.

Can I get back in the closet?

Oh, yeah.

One of those black guys named was Moonir.

Moonir and Armani.

What two fucking black dudes do they have waiting for you after you just said the n-word?

Oh, shit.

Someone call Aunt Cricket.

Moonir definitely had an Aunt Cricket.

I love it.

I got to hear this a story.

I can't get away.

We got, what's the points?

You're in double point territory.

I think you're out of last place.

Nope.

In last place with four points, David Lucas.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jay just

small victories.

This is how I felt in CrossFit.

I just didn't want to be last.

I just didn't want to be last because they all have to sit there and cheer for you until you're done.

It's insane.

In fourth place with five points, Big Jay Ogersha!

In third place with nine points, Valerie Vaughan.

In second place with 12 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And in the lead with 19 points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Oh, man.

Dude.

That is a perfect rendition of your dick, dude.

Very crazy.

Your sack is always tight, and your head starts the same exact plane as their shaft.

You are circumcised, but still, the skin perfectly stops at the bottom of the head.

And then the helmet begins.

Not at that rough part, like the outside of a quarter you see on most dicks.

Damn, the golden pony, everybody.

Wow.

I'm sorry, dude.

I'm just feeling good.

You're so happy.

Jay's already given up.

He's just happy that he's not in last place.

Dude, I'm in crosshair right now.

Come on, David.

You got this, man.

Don't give up.

Off microphone, he whispered to me.

He's like, Dude, don't do it.

We can't lose this book.

That was crazy, dude.

You're a piece of shit.

I'm playing the game.

Sorry, dude.

I'm a baller.

Alex, we're on our final story.

Story number eight.

Story number eight.

I cleaned a bloody knife after my sibling's friend stabbed somebody at my house.

All right, what?

All right, this definitely, can I tell you guys, let me just make it easy for everybody.

This isn't me or Lewis.

I mean, if this is Lewis, dude, then you've been pulling a sham on me your whole life.

This would be major.

Well, my sister's only friends were gay guys, so if she cleaned their bloody dick, I would believe it.

Yeah.

And if you clean that knife, you might have AIDS.

Wah, wah, wah.

I mean, this seems like a val-type story.

A woman would clean a bloody knife after a friend stabbing.

What?

That's too gnarly.

I couldn't do something.

I agree.

That's too gnarly.

That's pretty heavy.

Yeah, but like gnarly, like how people in California say it's like gnarly.

No, not in a cool way.

It's like

it's too heavy.

No, David, I see you're getting ready to write.

Explain, please.

White bitch shit.

This bitch over here.

I feel like

that's very white because

black people don't like blood.

Ah.

Black people don't feel like black.

They like Crips.

As I have on a blue shirt.

We don't rap.

But that is very black to hide the evidence.

Like, that nigga didn't get stabbed in hell.

You know what I'm saying?

Also, Tony, he's actually wearing a crips shirt had you made that joke by the way

wow oh my goodness yeah i mean

well i will say valerie looks like you ever see the movie bully valerie looks like someone who was involved in a lot of teenage crimes like cleaning knives for dudes that she liked bad boys that she thought were going to be good guys what spot did the person get stabbed in

I don't know.

It's not my story.

What spot?

I don't know.

But if somebody were to have a bloody knife, where do you feel like this pot would be, Val?

I mean, the stomach, maybe?

Okay.

Tony's very close with his siblings, too.

He might.

Look, one's a hippie, but you got several siblings.

One might be a homicidal maniac.

No, it's the sibling's friend.

So this could just be...

People always have an oddball friend out there, right?

So this isn't.

And hippies hang out with anybody who has drugs.

That's true.

He's like, oh man, I stabbed somebody in my house.

Now, this seems like a female sort of activity cleaning a bloody knife knives

you're taking the blood out of it is any kitchen where just the sort of just the uh just the instinct to want to make flatware clean again

i bet she made a delicious sandwich yeah

spreading the mayo on with a fork clean a bloody knife and then i put in a nice brie and crackers for everybody my two hunters are tony and and uh val

yeah i mean tony cleaning a bloody knife is, that seems like

that would affect you, but maybe not a woman so much because, you know, you just got to hold down your motherfucking man.

I'm prone to go with you, David, and say Val.

Yeah.

I'm going to go Tony.

Ooh.

That's a quick deflection.

Yeah, I feel like she got nervous.

She freaked out right away.

She said, I'm going to go Tony.

She fucking spazzed out

as she always does.

Classic Val,

skitzing out like a lawyer.

Orange County.

Yeah,

yeah, Huntington Beach is a bad fucking area, too.

Here we go.

No, it's not.

I thought it's a nice area.

It's very nice.

The Huntington Beach bad boy, Tito Ortiz, I think he's.

Yeah, but he was the best.

He was a bad boy this year.

I grew up in Newport.

Newport's not like a little better than Huntington.

It's a little better than Huntington Beach.

Huntington's dangerous.

Where's Christine?

She's my California expert.

Yeah.

Some stuff in Huntington.

She left.

Bored.

Oh, well, well, there's only one person that it could be, and that person is, without a doubt,

David Lucas.

Oh, shit.

Nigga, I ain't touching no night.

Not no blood in there.

All right, well, maybe I'm wrong on this one then.

Yes.

All right.

I think it's Val.

I'm seeing her face right now, too.

All the answers are in Alex.

That story belongs to

Valerie Bond.

Fuck.

Somehow I'm still in last place.

Because we all got this shit right.

Now, what happened here?

Well, I totally blocked that story out of my memory.

And then

I called my dad and I'm like, what's some crazy family stories?

And he goes, what about the time you cleaned the knife after somebody stabbed somebody?

And I was like, that I was like, I wish something that cool happened to me.

And then he's like, no, it really did.

And

my

pregnant 17 year old cousin was staying with us maybe she was 18 hot she was supposed to be watching us hell yeah and then

you are come from garbage

yeah you have really risen above

her her podcast is get in the van

get in the fucking van put the lotion on the skin

I really don't have very much memory of what happened, but I do remember cleaning the knife and being scared that I was going to get cleaned.

How old were you?

Probably 16.

Nice.

Nice, good formative years.

I'm a good sister.

How did the stabbing go down?

I have no idea.

So this story shouldn't even count.

Who told you to clean it?

This did happen.

You don't know what happened.

No, it did happen.

It sounded like some lying-ass shit.

No, no, it really.

That's trauma.

That's trauma.

Yeah, I was scared of getting busted.

Tony, you let your trauma out as an expression of being homosexual.

So what do you.

the

what the fuck was that supposed to be?

Uh, I gotta be honest, I don't know where the fucking scores lie, except I know I didn't win.

Yeah, I think I know who won already, but Alex, where are our final scores at?

All right, in last place with eight points, David Lucas

eight,

as in he ate everything they put into

Trauma.

In fourth place.

Alex, let the crowd calm down first.

In fourth place with nine points, big chair.

Wow.

Wow.

He's not last.

He's not last.

He's not last.

That's a W for me at this point.

In third place with 11 points, Valerie Vaughan.

Ooh, la la.

Let's play.

She placed.

In second place with 16 points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Aww, isn't that sweet?

Making your winner tonight with 19 points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Not only

is Kill Tony available right now on Netflix,

but much more importantly, far more paramount,

Tony gets to bring home a signed copy of Permanent Record by the great

Mary H.K.

Choi.

And Tony, you can now, you can, as a story warrior, you can now trigger double points.

There's so many people that I'd like to thank for this moment.

First of all,

out there in the crowd, one of my good friends, Anthony Florig, ladies and gentlemen, he's from Youngstown, Ohio.

He once

called me and said, I'm going to come visit Los Angeles.

Can I stay on your couch?

And I go, I'm living on a couch,

but you can stay on the floor.

And I said, why are you coming to Los Angeles?

And he said, I'm coming to Los Angeles to win the prices

to which I responded I don't think you know how that works

but you can come stay at my place and

he

came and he stayed at my place and he was on the floor we had a fun night I was working at the comedy store at the time and we had a fun night that night everybody that I introduced him to was my first friend from home visiting me at the comedy store ever so everyone was excited he's at the back door as I'm checking people's IDs and everybody goes, Wow, Anthony, nice to meet you.

What brings you to LA?

And he told everybody, looked him right in the eyes, and goes, I'm here to win the prices right.

And every single person looked at him like he was fucking nuts.

And that we had a lot of fun that night, a whole night at the comedy store, watched Don Barris until 3 or 4 a.m.

He had a car at the time.

I did not.

And he drove me home.

And I hear a little tussle at 3 or 4, maybe 5 in the morning.

And it's him waking up off the kitchen floor.

That's right.

It was a kitchen floor.

And he went,

and

a few hours later, I get a phone call.

It's him.

And he says, come outside.

I walk outside, and he is holding a piece of white billboard like that.

What was the total?

$20,980 retail.

Motherfucker won the prices right.

I figure, why not?

Since I saw him, I was really just going to thank the president Donald Trump, but I saw Anthony out there and I figure we're better than on Story Wars to tell you the true crazy fucking story.

You won the prices right.

Can you please tell us what you won?

Oh, yeah, but the objects.

A grill,

$40 in Campbell for V8 juice,

an armchair and an ottoman, eight small kitchen appliances, four hundred dollars in board games, two folding bicycles,

and a wine cooler, an antique restored player piano,

Roy Hill Attic Heirlooms Mission dining room set, and the Norataki Fitzgerald Fine Tina Clark.

Dude, Bob Barker would be proud.

And on top of all that, tonight you're going to leave with a very HK person record.

Congratulations.

Tony, do you want to wield your powers for the first time ever?

What does that mean?

Well, you now get the ability to say the term that triggers the

fanfare.

There's so many

I would like to thank,

first of all, shout outs to single points.

Shout outs to my aunt Cricket out there watching.

And more than anything, I'd love to thank my new favorite part of the game.

It's called double points.

Congratulations to Tony Hinchcliffe for being our newest Story Warrior.

A big round of applause for all of our guests, everyone.

Tony Hinchcliffe, Valerie Vaughan, David Lucas.

I'm Big Jay Okerson.

And I'm the Puerto Rican Rados like Luis Jay Gomez.

We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars.

Good night.