043. TJ Miller, Mike Rainey, & Danny Polishchuk | Minorities

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Fill her up.

You're listening to the gas digital network.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars, America's favorite new comedy game show.

We are your Story Warriors.

I'm Big Jay Oakers, and that, of course, is the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake Louis Jay Gomez.

We are happy to be here at the New York Comedy Club, our new home.

Sold out show three weeks in a row.

Thank you guys so much.

All 17 of you filled these seats.

We did it, dude.

We got

two large groups in here.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

How many people it's first time hearing about it.

A couple people?

Actually, a lot more people than usual.

That's fine.

I know.

That's what you guys are going to love it.

I'll tell you right now, in an hour and a half, you're going to be like, holy shit, that was the best show I've ever been to.

I thought everyone was going to explode.

Look at that.

It is the best show.

Also, because most of the people know the show, so it's funny.

They didn't even get behind us.

They were like, ah, best show I've ever seen.

I'm sure it'll be fun.

If you're not familiar with the show, we will be explaining after we get our esteemed panel up here of contestants.

We have an amazing panel tonight.

First person coming to the stage, you know him from the Boyscast podcast, as well as the bathhouse.

Make some noise for the hilarious Danny Poe is Chuck everywhere.

Danny Poe is Chuck.

Poe is Chuck.

Danny was so excited he'd knocked over everyone's waters.

Sorry, sorry.

They were yelling at me to come in.

You came in like a Polish chuck.

I've split you faster than I've ever ran.

You walked in here like a real Polish chuck.

He Polish chucked those bottles of water on the floor.

And your second competitor making his Story Wars debut as well.

You know him from the Dad Meet podcast,

Delco Derpo, and actually one of the authors of one of the books we gave away on Story Wars, which is pretty incredible.

Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for Mike Rainey.

Jay, do me a favor, knock all those books off so we could just have mine up here, please.

Yo, sorry, sorry.

So I'll turn them around.

Thank you.

Shame them.

Our third and final contestant, last but not least, from the dear Jonah stand-up specialty as on YouTube, the gentle giant tour currently going on.

It is the hilarious TJ Miller.

A lot of split opinions.

TJ, is your hair oddly oddly darker than normal?

I tried to get a dye just in the center, but it didn't work.

Everybody thought I was a charlatan.

Hey, buddy.

You look very hot as a brunette.

What's that?

You look very hot as a brunette.

Thank you.

I like it.

It suits you.

Suit case.

Sorry, if you're not familiar with the show, we always have a meet-cute start in the beginning and see how the relationship develops throughout the show.

Will me and TJ kiss?

I don't know.

You got to make it to the end.

TJ, you look like you're wearing one of those Down syndrome Instagram filters.

Killed it.

Killed it on that one.

That was great.

Absolutely, man.

No, I do.

Calm down, everybody.

The claws are already coming out.

Everyone's excited to play Story Wars.

If you're not familiar with Story Wars and it was your first time listening, it's a very, very simple game.

Everybody on this panel, all five of us, has a secret.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, has submitted three to five stories on one specific subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis?

Minorities.

Minorities.

You don't go out!

You fucking act like it!

You fucking act like it!

Fucking piece of shit!

Who better to talk about minorities than three straight white guys, we figure.

How is Anthony Koopier not here?

I am.

I'm serious.

Now what you identify as?

I am a gay woman.

Alex

is going to read off eight of those stories one at a time.

I don't mean to cut you off, Jay, but I've never seen the audience get more excited about a topic.

This 100%.

Well, Lewis, it's a pleasure.

You have shaped your audience.

It's a 100%

white racist audience.

Look at the fucking minority.

We've been waiting for this day.

Everybody go to Skank Fest.

It's crazy.

Everybody

is showing teeth right now.

Love it.

That was great.

It is.

It's an Ariane.

Skankfest, everyone's got a minority story.

Minority reports.

Absolutely not.

In no particular order, Alex is going to read at random

eight of those stories one at a time.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It is your job to fool people that it is not your story.

If it's not your story,

I said, God damn it.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And for every story you guess correctly, you get two points.

For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

Once you write the name of your guess on the dry erase board, put it into the slot.

Are you fucking serious?

And take your hand away.

That means it is your final answer.

You can't change your answers.

TJ, what's wrong?

I.

What is wrong?

Well, I'm a little concerned about how this whole thing will go.

So

we all are, man.

We all are.

TJ is very competitive.

I am competitive.

Have you won a Story Wars yet?

I did this thing called

Lip Sync Sync Battle.

It was in 1982.

And listen

when I say that I won.

Ooh.

And now here we are.

What did you lip sync?

What's that?

What did you lip sync?

Sometime the sun goes round the moon or something like whatever that is.

That song, that's what I did.

I thought you pointed this Moby looking motherfucker.

I thought he might know.

Hey, sir, you're...

I think what's funny, too, is he was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

So you're a longtime EDM producer.

But yeah, listen, I'm nervous, okay?

There's no reason.

Well, listen.

Also, you and your girlfriend have the same glasses and face.

Actually, Jay.

They're like cartoon characters.

Jay, you know, one time,

one of the Legion of your Skanks pulled out

the plug from the pinball machine that I was playing.

Michael Harrington, yeah.

That was a classic.

That was honestly the beginning of the Legion of Skanks T.J.

Miller love story.

Well,

it was pretty upsetting.

And when it happened, I thought, if there's one thing I will do,

instead of lashing out at these gentlemen, I will one day come on to a heretofore not known podcast and win.

And that's what I intend to do.

Holy shit.

All right.

Well, TJ, I don't want to get you too hype.

A win is enough, but we're not just playing for bragging rights here, TJ.

Yeah, if you want to know what you're going to win, you're going to want it even more.

Tonight's winner wins Tropical Secrets, Holocaust Refugees in Cuba by Margarita Engel.

Set

during World War II, Tropical Secrets follows Daniel, a Jewish boy who finds refuge in Cuba after being turned away by other countries.

As he adjusts to a new culture and faces the pain of separation from his family, he forms deep bonds with the people of Cuba who have secrets of their own.

Margarita Engel brings to light Cuban and Jewish culture through a moving yet poetic lens.

Wow, that's beautiful, man.

It sounds like the ovens in Auschwitz just got hotter.

They got a little spicier, I'll tell you that much.

I didn't know there were Jews in Cuba.

Yeah, Jubins.

Jubans.

On my life, that's what they're called.

That was a great joke.

It's not a joke.

They're called Jubans.

The guys I was on Z-Rock with were Cuban Jews.

They were Jubans, okay.

Oh, no.

They were Jewish Columbians, which is also a thing.

Julumbians.

Julumbians.

Everyone's laughing, but this is the realest thing I've ever said in my entire life.

Tropical Holocaust, Adolf Hotler.

Is he responsible for that?

Yes, Adolf Hotler.

Yes.

This guy gets it.

I think this crowd is ready for war.

Are we ready for war?

Let's go, baby.

Then Alex,

let's stop the waiting.

Story number one.

Story number one.

I used to hide my green day CDs under my dresser so that my black friends wouldn't know that I listened to music other than rap.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm going to say what it's calling out.

That's the end of the story.

It's the whole story.

It's the whole story.

I don't know why this hits me.

My first instinct was Danny.

Yeah, Lewis looked directly at me.

I don't have black friends with conviction.

Maybe, Rainey, what part of Philly were you grew up in?

Delco.

Yeah.

I think the sister that Danny, yeah, Delco was like, I mean, there was white friends.

I never had black friends.

Never?

No, I grew up in a very different friend.

Still not.

And you're like, and never ever.

It's a policy, okay?

And never, ever.

It's called sticking to your guns.

Where'd you grow up?

Burlington, Ontario, Canada.

Oh, yeah.

There's no black people in Canada at all.

No.

A lot of Indians now, but.

I was just in Burlington.

It is a real shithole.

Yeah.

Well, it was nice.

It used to be.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean there's definitely some black kids there.

And once in a while, you'd have to hide your green day.

A telling thing to meet here is Green Day C D's.

Yeah.

I got Dookie on from Columbia House, but I never really.

I have a Dookie poster.

I have Dookie in my underwear.

We just pulled the CDR right out.

Jay did have black friends.

He would have to hide it from them because they would kill him because he grew up in Philly proper.

Yes.

And so this could be a Big Jay story pretty easily.

It could be a Big Jay story.

I didn't have Green Day.

Dude, I do not like Green Day.

You look like you do.

Do I?

you look so much like you do that if i was across the street with gate i would turn to her and be like that guy likes green day

i thought green day guys were like horizontal striped shirt kind of guys you know what i mean your shoes you're wearing uh vans no no vans all right no vans nucky duck boots um i didn't have multiple i only know two green day cds i've never i never got into green i was more into metal not into like pop punk yeah pop

were you ever into sketch uh what is

ska.

Were you ever into ska?

I thought I hated ska, hated pop-punk, punk 182,

uh, bunny buddy boss zone.

There were audible gasps when you were in the middle of the morning.

The only thing that got us a little in the scoff for a second, anybody, was that you didn't realize Gwen Stefani's mid drift was singing ska that whole time.

We had no idea.

That guy likes Green Day.

No, but I did, I did secretly enjoy that Tragic Kingdom

Beautiful Lady.

And I remember when I had that CD, I got in like the ninth grade, and I was hanging out with my friends who like metal music, and they saw the CD, and they were like, dude, that's gay.

And I was like, no, I got it to break it.

So we like broke it and burnt it and melted it down.

And I was like,

don't speak.

I know just what you're saying.

Just don't speak about it.

But I did secretly enjoy the No Doubt C D Tragic Kingdom.

Jay, how long was your wigger phase?

Has it had anything?

Shit is going on about it.

It feels like he's in the middle.

I think it's a global ultra section of his wigger phase right now.

What was I

core wigger was probably

I mean Green Day's era for sure.

Yep.

But I never liked Green Day.

That's all that's secret.

But again, it's also, it's also, and Lewis could probably back to that, it's also too targeted for the thing.

It's like, if I'm hiding from my black friends, it would have to be like Moody Blue's greatest hits and Kenny Rogers, the gambler.

There's so many things I would have had to hide because I was all over the place.

JJ just like Kenny Rogers because of the chicken place

you know that guy sang that guy sang yeah

it wasn't just my friend

tj you're a fucking you are a walking enigma you could have used whoa

your friends you had to hide your green day cd from your enigma friends

there's no i i'll tell you

Because I personally know, there's no possible way that I used to hide my Green Day CDs under my dresser so that my black friends wouldn't know that I listened to music other than rap.

I never had a dresser.

Case closed.

Can I tell you something?

I'm going to say something.

I kept my clothing in cabinets.

You fucking idiots.

It's bold.

I'm getting a TJ vibe here.

I know everyone on the panel pretty well.

And TJ, he just seems like when he was younger, he would love Green Day he seems like he'd really want to impress his black people

TJ how do you feel about Green Day

how do you feel about black people green day is my ska let me put it that way

green day is my ska

I feel like I'm hurting someone's feelings who really to this day probably still likes Green Day by saying how much I find them just deplorable.

They were so fun to watch, though, because they were so into it.

Right, but I don't know.

A guy heavy faking an English accent is annoying as shit.

Take it back.

It's really annoying.

They were terrible.

I do take it back.

Oh, Malia.

Here we go.

Yeah, exactly.

Dude, you have the toy, Mali.

Oh, no, no, no.

You get knocked down and I get up again.

That's Dishwalla.

I'm Tambawamba.

Don't do it.

They're the only ones for it.

Listen to me, wine.

Remember they had that secret song about Jacking Off at the end of that album?

Oh, yeah, I do remember that.

I mean, not that I ever would like a green day song.

A dingo ate your baby.

Same one, right?

Look, I'm going to get the voting going here, okay?

I'm thinking TJ.

TJ won't make eye contact with me.

He's looking down.

He does have black person hair.

I feel like this could easily be

TJ, and this is going to be my final answer right now.

TJ motherfucking Miller.

Wow.

It's Miller time, baby.

Strong walk.

Strong talk.

I might surprise you here, Lewis.

I'm going

with Michael Rainey.

Whoa.

Michael Raine's a horse.

Strong Jonathan.

That's how I feel.

Ooh, everyone's getting goosed up.

TJ's hiding his answer.

I lost my answer, and now I'm starting to think.

I'm trying to get into it.

We got three votes for Mike, one vote for Jay.

Who did you vote for?

I voted for TJ, but now I'm thinking it's Mike.

I feel like everybody else read something right now.

It could be.

I really thought it could have been Jay.

I really thought it was you.

No,

it was Green Day.

Jay did hang out with black people, but he secretly loved Marilyn Manson and fucking gay men.

It wasn't secret.

Yeah, Green Day does seem like the intro to this.

Sure.

I would bring that's a gateway drug.

I would bring my black friends to see Marilyn Manson and Corn and all that.

Yeah,

this wouldn't be something I'd feel like I'd have to hide.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number number one belongs to Mike Rainey.

Wow.

I knew it.

I knew it.

So, Mike, what happened here?

Your black friends would have beat you up if they saw you like Green Day?

Well, no, the thing was, I had no friends at this time.

But I just fantasized so much about black people liking me because I was so heavy in the rap

that that wasn't happening.

And then

I accidentally got into Green Day, and I was like, if I acquire a black friend,

I cannot have Green Day CDs out because

it was the only white shit that I had out.

So I was like, if I acquire a black friend, they cannot see this because they cannot be.

You can't say acquire a black friend.

What year is it?

Wait,

I got to understand.

The Green Day, you said it was the only white shit I had around.

What was the other stuff?

Everything else was like a stylish black.

Super hip-hop.

I was throwing a bunch of people in the film.

Yeah, it was super hip-hop.

Yeah, it was Wu-Tang.

it was mob deep

i got you so i understand but it is much more hilarious that you were doing it for potential black friends you were worried you were such a friend slut you were worried that you were going to meet them and then have to bring them home immediately and they were going to see your bedroom day one hang with your new black friend right in the bedroom that's no time to take down

i thought that sound garden i thought that's how black people worked i didn't

they just go through all your stuff right away yo you my best friend what's your mom making stovetop i'm coming.

So

did you end up bringing any black friends home?

No, I didn't get a friend for like two more years.

And every time you went to listen to Green Day,

you want to listen to Green Day, you have to fish underneath your fucking dresser.

Another day, no new black friends.

Might as well pop on Dookie.

Was it Dookie?

It was Dookie, and they had an EP, which I think was, I think it was an EP called Kerr Plunk.

Kerr Plunk.

Oh, I remember that.

Yeah, I remember you.

Was it all shit album names?

I gave up on them after that.

Yeah.

You didn't make it to American Idiot?

No, no, I checked out by then.

He's been walking out for a good start.

That's when they really kicked it up for me.

Yeah, I love green.

I acquired one black friend, and that was enough.

All right, nice.

You're like, this is enough.

That was his name.

Did you ever tell them about the greenhouse?

No.

They're going to see it now.

So,

Alex, where are our points at?

Oh, boy.

All right, with zero points.

Louis Jake Omez.

Fuck you.

You don't have to say zero.

You can say without any points,

Louis Jake Omega.

You can say that.

You don't have to hurt him.

Sorry, Rose.

I'll defend you to my death.

On the board with one point, Mike Rainey.

And tied for the lead with two points each, Big Jay Okerson,

Danny Paulashuk, and TJ Miller.

Yeah!

All right!

Yeah, motherfucker!

It's fun, TJ.

You getting it now?

Just say in the lead.

You can say with the most points.

Are you having fun?

What?

Are you having fun?

Hey, I'm at work, man.

My mother just died.

I don't want to talk about it.

Same.

Go ahead.

TJ was supposed to do the show three weeks ago, and he was like, my mom just died.

Give me a couple weeks.

And now I'm here.

It's back to everything.

All right.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

I keep interrupting.

It's too much.

I don't mean to keep interrupting.

I'm going to leave in 20 minutes.

Let's go for it.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

I once got a rub and tug from an old Chinese lady who had trouble breathing.

She was wheezing the whole time and it was very distracting.

Eventually, she made me finish myself because she was too old and tired.

No, it's me.

Don't see me.

I had that experience!

I completely forgot this!

I thought for sure this never happened to to me.

I feel like everybody but Danny would get a rubbin' tug.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You don't have rubbin' tug energy.

I don't have any energy.

No, he does.

He looks like he bows the entire way in as he passes everyone.

Danny has old wheezy Chinese lady energy.

Yeah, I was doing the rubbing tugs.

When I

wade, this comes back to

Mike, me, or you, Lewis.

That's who I would be between if I was TJ and Danny.

If a Chinese lady's heart stops, do you have to do CPL?

Pray to God.

Very nice.

Thank you.

Very nice.

I mean, yeah, Mike, you've gotten a handful of rubbing tugs in your day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have we all gotten rubbing tugs here?

I have not.

I can't stop getting them.

I'm serious.

And I won't stop.

It was in my vows.

I will not stop getting rubbing tugs.

So, yeah, I get them.

That's actually the reason I never got one because I always assume it's just like an old wheezing Chinese lady.

I go,

what is this fun about that?

I had to hide my Weezer CDs from that old Chinese lady.

My buddy got a rub and tug, and at the end of it,

she kept saying, Oh, a big boy.

Who's a big boy?

He was such a big boy.

And it totally made him become flaccid of course

don't be patronizing yeah it feels like she's mocking him he became flaccid oh it almost filled my whole tiny chinese hand

uh

i mean

look we've all had similar stories to this but this one is losing more than one person no you can only pick one danny

uh i'm getting Big J vibes for this one.

Really?

It could be me.

I said, it's me, Michael.

Very often when it's Big J, he does exactly that.

He goes, it could be me.

And I think historically, Lewis gives minorities the most problems.

Yes.

So I think even when he's not trying, this is Lewis.

That's what I feel like.

I feel like this is Lewis.

It's like, oh, this is my life.

I get the wheezy coffee leg.

Yeah, but would you.

I wouldn't finish myself.

I wouldn't make her finish me.

Would you admit to actually finishing?

I don't know.

I don't think you would.

I would admit to

me, like, get someone else to finish me.

I paid.

Yeah, I'm not.

Yeah, I paid a lot more.

I'm not finishing myself at a rapid job.

Not in the transaction, I was agreeable.

That's actually insane.

Big J is a nice guy.

Yeah.

So he wouldn't complain.

I would be like, no, no.

Mike's nice too, though.

No, but Mike's real.

I had one minor complaining to me, and then if they're like, you're complaining about this, like, yeah, it's crazy.

That is not a crazy complaint.

No, Lewis.

If she didn't finish me, I would be like, can you get somebody else?

First of all, if she's wheezing in my ear, I'm going to ask for somebody else very quickly.

Yeah, I see.

I can see Lewis doing it.

I can see Lewis asking for somebody.

I'm not wasting my fucking $140, so I've heard,

on a wheezy, not old lady that's not going to finish me off.

Lewis would give her a shout of albutyroll while she jerked him off.

You're almost done.

I'm getting major Big J vibes on this one.

Which is making me think it's Lewis because I want to say, like, TJ just put up Mike again.

I also think this could be Mike again.

I mean, I think he's cool.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Guy Party.

You know what?

I think this shit is fucking cool.

Thank you.

Guy gets it.

So bad news.

I chose Mike.

Thank you.

I mean, I believe Danny when he says he's never been to a rubbing time.

I've never been to a Rubin Time.

It would be so mad.

I think if it was him.

It's just like one time time and then I know.

Hi, José, baby.

TJ.

Lewis.

Is this you?

I don't know if you remember earlier, I not only admitted it, but I screamed about it.

He did admit it.

I can see that being a TJ strategy.

Yes, if.

He said it's definitely him.

I won't listen either.

Fuck.

Do it, buddy.

Come at me.

Believe the.

Dude, because I feel like this is strategy.

I'm going TJ Miller again.

So much strategy.

Every time I walk by an Equinox, I think of you.

You son of a bitch.

You know how much I loved Equinox.

Hey, dude, it's terrible.

Here we go.

Ooh, I like it, like you.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Shit.

It's TJ, isn't it?

Fuck.

It'd be funny if I got what it was like, scream.

And I was like,

go ahead and tell him, Alex.

Story number two belongs to Lewis.

Jay, go back.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Jay always talks himself out.

Yeah, dude, this was right next door to Stand-Up New York.

It's actually a New York comedy club now.

The door directly next door, upstairs, it was an old Chinese lady.

Lay down China.

Dude, she fucking...

Dude, the whole time, it wasn't even like wheezy.

She was wheezy, but then she kept on like clearing her throat with phlegm.

And she was turning off.

She's trying to breathe.

You like, yes?

You tense here.

Hack!

Big boy.

Hack!

Dude, after, after, I mean, I want, I mean, 30, 40 minutes of her just, like, doing this with

me.

40 fucking minutes.

She's going forever, dude.

Holy shit.

First of all, anytime I'm going to rub and dunk, I didn't even get the massage.

I turn right over and I go, let's go.

I don't want to waste it.

I'm still 40 minutes on a shitty massage.

Just go get to it, Ming Ping.

It is, but honestly, why not prostitution?

Because it's such a weird idea to be like, you know what?

I'd like you to do the thing that I do better.

No, honestly.

That's what you're banks of to masturbate.

You're not worried about AIDS with a hand job.

That's really the difference.

Depends on where you're getting the hand job.

It's true.

Sounds like a bad thing.

I worry where I go.

so eventually my dick was just kind of like semi-erect, and she's just

and wheezing and fucking coughing.

And then eventually she's like, you take too long, you'll finish yourself.

And then I just jerked off as I looked at this old lady.

Well, guess what, Lewis?

Her daughter's here in the back to avenge her.

She's come back to defend her mother's honor.

It's either that or her remains right over there.

Oh my god, is that my hand baby?

No!

Oh no!

Hand baby!

I'm sorry to say it has AIDS.

I've looked for you everywhere, hand baby.

Lewis, have you ever gone back to check on her to see if she survived?

No, she definitely died at least a month later, dude.

She had some sort of weird disease.

Yeah, it wasn't good.

Do you think she's in heaven with your mom?

What?

You think she's in heaven with your mom right now?

No, no, no.

There are separate heavens.

You know that.

There's a Chinese heaven.

Just try to make make it easier for you.

Alex, where are our points at?

On the scoreboard with two points each: Big Jay Ogerson, Danny Paul Shaw.

God damn it.

And TJ Miller.

God.

And tied for the lead with three points each: Louis J.

Gomez and Mike Rainey.

Let's go, baby.

It's tense.

It's tense.

Tight.

Very close game.

Tight game.

Alex.

Don't fuck me on this one, Alex.

Story number three.

Story number three.

I was robbed by a lesbian in a prostitution scam in Trinidad.

This sounds like TJ.

I mean, TJ is the type of guy to

go to foreign countries because all of us are losing.

You know what?

But sometimes when you're scammed in Trinidad, it's not a scam at all.

It's a lesson.

So, yes, I was robbed by a lesbian in a prostitution scam in Trinidad, but I see it as a lesson.

It was an opportunity, not a mistake.

A teaching moment.

What teaching moment?

I picture Lewis going there to Trinidad just so he can experience some kind of dad.

Any else?

Even if it's a Trinity one right now.

If this, now, would Alex change a place?

Because Lewis isn't a Trinidad.

He's an island man.

Yeah, but I never heard of him going.

I don't think she would change a place.

Now everything feels like it's Lewis, right?

Yeah.

Oh, he's the only minority I'm.

He's jacked off to that elderly Asian woman.

By the way, now you're like prostitution scary.

I believe it.

Lewis is so bad at being a minority that I've said on the this stage multiple times, hey, five straight white guys doing stories about minorities.

I just count Lewis like he's not Puerto Rican.

That's fucking wacky as hell.

And by the way, he doesn't even correct me.

He goes, nice.

I never went to Trinidad, but I did go to Vietnam.

I'm glad I vamped long enough for that to pop.

Danny, I mean, I know that Jay has been robbed by a few prostitutes.

You've told me a few stories of you being robbed by prostitutes in your life.

Sure.

I don't remember if one was in Trinidad.

I've never been to Trinidad.

I've never been to Trinidad.

I've been to Trinidad.

I didn't even know Trinidad was a real place.

It's kind of Trinidad and Tobago.

It's kind of too bad that

these people on the stage.

It's okay.

It's fine.

All right, never mind what I was saying.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel like Rainey doesn't own a passport.

You're correct.

I think, TJ, you look like you would hire a lesbian just for the conversation.

True.

But I don't have to hire them.

Yeah, this one just said like TJ.

What is exactly a prostitution scam?

I wonder if.

Like, did they fake me prostitution?

Did they rob you?

Were the lesbians robbing you or the scam itself was robbing you?

Yeah, like, was this like a short-haired Trinidad?

No, it's either they take your money or they reveal like a Scooby-Doo-like penis.

Oh, that is a scale, Doug.

That is a scale.

Then I could be like,

and I would have got away with it if it weren't for you, pesky lady boys.

If it wasn't for you, pesky lady boys.

I would have come if it wasn't for this penis.

I'm leaning TJ.

I'm leaning Jay.

TJ does, he has that.

He's been in multiple movies.

He's fucking traveled the world.

TJ, have you been to Trinidad?

I can't stop going there.

Lesbian prostitution.

I gotta go gut.

I gotta go gut.

And I won't, you know what?

I won't do it domestically.

I won't.

I only go to lesbian prostitution rings in Trinidad.

Because when I think sexual experience, I think lesbians.

So I pay money for women to be like, I'm not into you.

Yeah.

Had a left field.

Do you have any?

I feel like like this is a Big J story.

I remember you talking about being robbed by lesbians once in a foreign country.

We've been friends for a long time, and it's sort of making me feel like this is you, my friend.

Wow.

I did get robbed by a prostitute, though.

Wow.

He didn't deserve it.

Everyone's locked.

Locked and loaded, Jay.

Alex.

That story belongs to Big Jay Oker Son.

you little fucker.

I'm sorry, TJ.

You piece of shit.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I didn't remember if it was Trinidad.

I remember you got robbed in a

foreign country, you got robbed, and it was Trinidad.

It was Trinidad.

Wow, that's nuts.

Why did you pick that?

Where was the deal?

How did you get into the prostitution scam with women that don't like men?

So

I was in my

really creepy jungle hotel room I was out there doing a gig was a black comedy circuit gig that they had me do out there while Carnival was happening in in Trinidad and we went there did a show

and I went back and this show was full of gorgeous I mean half-naked women was the it was like a club that they just decided to do a comedy show at and uh and after the show this was not a place where I was getting any second looks from anybody and I but I was horny as shit.

And I went back to my...

I couldn't imagine you not getting second looks in Trinidad.

Well, this guy must have loved Green Day.

Another Green Day under his dresser.

He's probably got some CDs under his dresser.

That's where these money cones hiding.

No, so this is before,

especially in Trinidad, I had no working, functioning internet in any way.

This is early 2000s.

And so they had the newspaper, you know, the back of those shitty newspapers that would have prostitutes that would come over.

And I got, and it was like the equivalent of like

$100 American dollars, it was or something.

They might have used American dollars, but $100, I remember.

They were like to come over.

And then, you know, I called, they said they were coming.

I was nervous as shit.

And then...

I get a knock on the door.

And it's one of the hotels where it's like, it's,

you know, your door goes right to the outside, like a balcony.

A motel,

that's a motel, yeah, yeah.

It's a lesbian motel,

that's not always a motel, but

for the first time.

But right now,

I think by definition, it's a motel,

no, not always when it goes out.

It's a lobby, but in this case, it's a motel,

yeah.

Every morning they have not all ladies, certainly not always, it looked no, like it looked like uh Jay just let it go, it was a motel Jesus

We're not judging you.

I did the sign outside.

I didn't choose to stay.

That's where I was put up by his show.

But it was a very jungly around it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sir.

I apologize.

That was fucked up.

What was fucked up about it?

That was only fucked up what you did.

That's one way to put it, yes.

But yeah, so I got a knock on the door, and I open the door, and it is

an obese,

bulky,

obvious, bulldykish lesbian.

Yum, yum, yum.

A stud.

I think they call that.

And she goes, she goes, hey, she goes, all right, $100 or whatever.

And I was like,

oh, wait.

I go, is it just,

I go, are you the girl?

And then she very quickly, and you know, congratulations to her, goes, she goes, no, no, I just clicked the money, then I send the girl up.

And I was like, oh, thank God.

And I gave her the $100.

And then as soon as I closed the door, she goes, she'll be right up.

As soon as I close the door, I go, there's no one's coming back.

That was the girl.

And I insulted her and then handed her $100 for free and told her to go on her way.

I don't know if it was a prostitution scam or you just didn't have good etiquette with prostitutes.

No, no, no.

She scammed me.

What was I supposed to do?

Just whack myself off like a fucking weirdo?

Prostitution etiquette.

It's funny.

I love that you're like, I don't have to fuck you, right?

And she's like, no, give me the money.

And thank God, I don't have to fuck you.

I mean, it's like she played the move was so smart.

She goes, he's going to be so excited that he's not fucking me, and there's someone he will be attracted to coming up.

I didn't even think twice.

I go, oh, yeah, here, take all of my worth.

She sent up an uglier girl, and she's like, no, no, no, I'm the next girl that says that that's going to give me another $100.

And as she tells the story, it sounds the same.

She's telling a friend, she's like, yeah, opens the door, and there's this obese bullshit.

So

want to be weird, but this feels a little less like a lesbian prostitution scam and more like this bulldyke took your money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just robbed by Alex.

Sounds like a regular scam.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's not even a lesbian.

I guess maybe she would have had sex with me for the hundred dollars, but luckily for her, she was too fat and ugly.

She was so gross that she scammed you.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, on the scoreboard with two points each, Danny Paulaschuk and T.J.

Miller.

We stink, man.

With three points, Mike Rainey.

And tide for the lead with five points each.

The Story Warriors, Louis J.

Gomez, and Big Jay Ogerson.

The way it should be.

This never happens.

We can hold on to our book, Jay.

We can hold on to Tropical Secrets.

Do you know how much I want to keep this book?

In Tropical Secrets, 13-year-old Daniel escapes Nazi Germany and ends up in 1940s, Cuba, a place unlike anything he's known.

Struggling with loss and loneliness, he slowly finds hope through unexpected friendships with Cubans and the kindness of strangers.

Told in lyrical verse, what?

This is...

Wow.

What?

This is a powerful story of Jewish survival, identity, and the healing power of human connection.

Don't tell Dave Smith.

Yeah.

And just so we're clear, in Cuba, the book is being sold as the diary of Tan Frank.

So don't get confusing.

Working titles.

A working title.

Working title.

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All right, where were we?

Yeah, Alex.

Story number four.

Story number four.

I once hooked up with two heavyweight women in the back of a cab.

When the Arab cab driver told us to cut it out, the girls started yelling racial slurs at him.

I know it's not Jay because there's no way three heavyweight women are going to put in the back of a cab.

It could have been an escalade.

They make bigger cabs, dude.

They make big cabs back.

There were bigger cabs back then.

They got the cabs with the sliding doors.

There were huge cabs back then.

Don't say this couldn't be me.

It is me now.

How about that?

I'll just admit it because you can't insult me.

I can fuck two fat chicks in a cab.

Two heavyweight women.

Back of a cab.

It's hilarious.

Danny, how long have you been married?

Well,

this feels almost one year.

Oh, yeah.

So this could be early Danny, big old Canadian cab, two big old fucking

native Canadians.

Yeah, he didn't even say heavyweight.

He didn't even say heavyweight black women, which means it could just be big, bulky, thick Canadian bitches.

Just full of piss and sap.

Yeah,

it feels like the women in Canada are built for winter.

This seems like a thing that happened in Philly to me.

Oh, I don't know.

Ooh.

I don't like that little deflection.

Plus,

I could be wrong, but I think Canadians refer to Middle Easterners as Arabs.

No, Arabs are Arabs.

What do you mean?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

This is really coming together for me.

I mean, you've been married forever, Rainey, right?

Yeah, a quarter century.

Quarter century.

Quarter century.

Really?

Yeah, 30 years.

25 years ago?

24 years?

Yeah, man.

That's wild.

I know, man.

What's the...

Just kidding.

I wasn't going to.

Imagine if I was like, what's the secret?

I would never.

I'm not going to do that.

Sorry.

I mean,

this seems like it could easily be a mere Big J story, but I'm getting Danny Paulerstruck vibes on this one.

I don't know why.

Yeah.

I know why.

He said A-Rab, but he didn't call the heavyweight women black.

You're imagining black women?

I was imagining black ones, so there's a lack of the word black there, making me think it's big, thick Canadian fat chicks.

Thick Canadian.

We have blacks in Canada.

With the tits that they're weirdly thin up here, but heavy down here.

Yeah.

Like someone's trying to get to the last two paces up.

If you look at this,

yes.

And cut it out makes it seem like you're doing three stooges shit in the back.

Yeah.

Hey, cut it out.

That is a Canadian fan.

Hey.

See, I feel like

quite that down.

Call it like Uncle Joey.

Oh, dude, that guy's fucking Canadian, too.

You're right.

I feel like this had to have happened.

Koolye is Canadian.

Koo Ye.

This is a Koo Ye/slash College Shuff story.

Nonsense.

Say no more.

See, I feel like this had to happen.

Mr.

Shaw has happened shortly after 9-11.

I said, I think this had to happen shortly after 9-11.

Because that's when you were really getting A-Rabs, your vocabulary.

I'm not going to America.

The A-Rabs are coming.

When you could call.

Danny, you don't have to act anymore.

Everyone has voted.

Everybody's voted?

Everybody's kind of giving you a chance.

You can't raise yourself.

The charade's over.

By the way, if there's anyone who's not Danny, this is Lewis.

He loves fighting with cab drives.

Oh, this is the girl's fault with the cab driver.

Yeah, this isn't Lewis.

Go on.

Alex,

fuck our shit up.

This story belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

Fuck this

man!

Fuck this game!

Oh, I'm so pissed I didn't get a clean sweep, Danny, you son of a bitch.

I had everyone thinking it was you for no reason.

This doesn't seem like a Danny story at all.

And you know what?

You know his private life.

How do you, Danny?

I mean, it could have happened.

But yeah, I was going to say, Danny, how do you feel about the fact that everybody was like,

you hooked up with two heavyweight women in the back of a cab with a bunch of people?

Threesomes or threesome, all right?

So

it was right after 9-11.

I know, because it must have been when it was still cool to call it.

It was my ticket selling days for this club.

I met these two fucking just absolute pro wrestlers in Times Square.

Like the Big Show and the Great Khali.

These bitches were tall, man.

They were massive.

And I was in the cab and I was making out with one.

The other one was sucking my dick.

Give me your typhoon.

Give me your earthquake.

Dude, it was so gross.

Dude, I was just 19 or 20.

I was a mess myself.

And the cab driver was like, hey, couldn't it help back there?

And these bitches just went to town on him.

They're like, fuck you, you dirty sand N-word.

I mean, it was crazy.

And then you just.

And then I came.

How it's going to go.

How's going to go?

How it's going to go.

And you're like,

and then you imagine an elderly Chinese woman.

That's what I would have done.

Yeah, dude, these bitches, these bitches.

These came quicker.

They were gross.

I will tell you that much.

I love it.

I've talked about the one because I ended up hooking up with the other one again, and she looked like, you remember?

Because I was, I had a rose.

I was one heavyweight's better than heavyweights.

Sure.

Talking, she looked,

I've mentioned this reference to you about the one girl.

She looked like Station from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

Remember when the two stations became Giant Station?

That's too specific of a reference, but she was, she was an animal.

And she's here now.

Bring her out, everyone.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Say hello.

Angry.

Oh, I just cleaned up there, though.

What are our scores, Alex?

Can't believe everybody thought it was me.

All right, on the scoreboard, in last place with two points.

Fuck you.

Yeah, I've even done one of mine and talked about this on the telephone before I fucking came here.

That's why I'm going to leave in fucking 10 seconds unless you put one of my fucking stories up there.

And I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me.

Ever felt that?

In last place with two points, TJ Miller.

On the board.

On the board.

In fourth place with three points, Mike Rainey.

In third place with four points, Danny Paulashuk.

In second place with five points, Big Jay Okerson.

Hanging in.

And in the lead with eight points, Louis J.

Gomez.

We're at the the halfway point of the show, so we're going to go around and do some plugs with everyone real quick.

Another four stories coming up.

But TJ, what are you plugging, my friend?

I'm so excited that everybody came to see the show.

I love the show.

It's a great new logo with the question mark and the little devil horns.

I thought this was going to go a different direction for me, and it's not going to time.

No, there's not any more time.

In fact, there's no time at all.

So I'd like to plug kind of the end of this show.

I'd like everybody listening to be excited about the second half of the show.

That's what I plugged.

Wow.

My granny, rather than plug anything, I would just like to celebrate the life of TJ's deceased mother, Enorma Miller,

who rose from the trenches of being a heavyweight prostitute.

Without a doubt.

Without a doubt, you're getting the audience on your side right now.

Thank you, brother.

Yes.

Without a doubt.

Who rose from the trenches.

This is the best move you've

been screaming at Arabs.

So go ahead.

To raising one of the finest comedians that entertainment has to offer.

That's what I want to do.

It's a double back that won't work, but they forgave you enough to act for you.

That's how charitable this legion of story warriors

is.

Thank you.

Touch me again, and I'll fight you physically.

Danny Puck.

I don't need to.

I'm too, too good.

I'm going to be in Calgary at the Lav Shop June 5th to 7th.

You can get tickets.

Good club.

Amazing club.

DannyComedy.com.

Check out the boys cast and the greatest calling show on the internet.

Low value mail every Monday night.

Boys cast So good.

Let's go, baby.

Big J.

BigJcomedy.com for all my dates.

I got Long Island Governors coming up, San Diego, Tacoma, Washington, Charlotte.

Look for a seat in you, BigJcomedy.com.

Of course, the Bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly, the legendary Legion of Skanks right here on Gas Digital Network.

And them, they, both parts of my double crowd work special available right now on YouTube.

Go check them out.

That's cool, baby.

Luis.

Come see me live on the road next weekend, May 28th through June 1st.

I'm going to be in Europe.

I'm going to be in Amsterdam, Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester, London.

It's going to be a blast.

I got Boston coming up in June, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Long Beach, Missouri, Mobile, Alabama, Atlantic City is coming up.

This is all before I film my next special in July 12th in Tampa at Tampa Side Splitters.

Very excited about all this.

It's a great club.

Incredible club.

Thank you.

Come see me on the road, please.

And also check out all my other podcasts, The Regs, Legion of Skanks, my private bonus podcast, just for people on my mailing list as well.

And you know what?

I just launched my own coffee brand that supports testosterone.

So go to bodybraincoffee.com.

That's on brand.

Yeah.

What about your solo stream?

What is that?

Because I jumped on there and it was fucking hilarious.

Oh, yeah.

TJ called in earlier today for my solo stream.

I'm streaming on my YouTube channel as well.

So do all that.

That's so good.

And if you love this show, if you're listening to this show right now and you really love it, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show.

Like up here, we're saying so much crazy shit that we can't put out on YouTube.

So go to gasdigital.com.

You get a pre-release on the episode.

There's a bunch of episodes that are not available anymore on YouTube or anywhere else.

Gastdigital.com, use the promo code WARORWARS.

Both of them work, and you'll save a buck fifty on a premium membership.

And you get access to thousands of hours of many other amazing podcasts, including Legion of Skanks and all the other shows we do on Gast Digital.

All right.

Second half.

Second half.

Now.

TJ's down in the dumps right now.

TJ.

TJ, I know you're feeling, you're making dinner plans.

You're ready to get out of here because you think you're out of this game.

Buddy,

you couldn't be further than out of this game because I think you know from being on the show before, the final four stories, we go double points.

Is that true?

That's right, TJ.

It's very much true.

Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point.

If you guessed the correct story, you got two points.

Now that goes double points.

You're chick in the back.

It's just funny whenever double points comes on, she's in her phone, but she's just going like, like,

it just catches her.

Like, it's such a tanky tune.

Yeah.

She loves double points.

Thank you, Roots.

I like the woo-woo-woo part at the end.

Yeah.

Yeah, we made that up.

That's our thing originally.

That's my favorite part.

That's what I liked about it.

Some of these are about Arsenio Hall, but I'm like, what?

Who's that?

This better go my way.

It could.

It could.

Alex.

I swear to fucking God.

Story number five.

Story number five.

While having sex with a black girl for the first time, she said,

you're turning me out.

And I had to turn her over so she wouldn't see me holding back laughter.

Oh, we already came back as a black man.

What a crazy trick.

Oh, we got the craziest craziest magic we've ever seen here on the show.

That's T-E-E-J-A-Y, Miller.

He's coming back?

Probably not.

What if it is his story?

Brilliant move what he did.

Oh, if it's his story and he just did that, what a fucking hardcore move.

Miss, can you ask TJ Miller if this is his story?

Thank you.

When having sex with a black girl for the first time,

you're turning me out.

I mean, that would

make all of us laugh.

I think you would get too winded turning a lady over.

Me?

Yes.

It's possible.

So I'm going to go with.

I'm going to go with somebody else on this one.

Jake, he's gone.

He's out.

He's gone.

He left

again?

No, there's no.

There's no way it's actually TJ.

But if it's TJ, that's crazy.

That's insane.

But he is insane.

But I do think it did upset him that it wasn't his story.

I think Alex had one shot to keep TJ on the show, which is to make story number five hits.

When the guy's a thespian,

he is a bit of an actor.

Jay got ripped off by a thespian scam in Trinidad.

Big old thick thespian.

I'm getting Danny Paula shucked by me too.

No.

I've never had sex with a black woman.

Have you really never had sex with a black woman?

How come?

No, but now I'm married, so it's not going to happen.

What would hold you back from that?

Being married.

Well, I mean, before that.

Have you been married?

No, no, no.

I've only been married for like a year.

Just the situation never.

How old were you when you got married, Mike?

Never officially married, but been together for 25 years.

Okay, and how old were you before you you guys got together?

21.

21.

Yeah.

Any black checks before that?

No.

Oh, I thought you're going to assist me.

He couldn't even get a black friend.

He was like,

I do like to roll my ends.

Yeah.

I'm getting.

No, TJ.

No, TJ's gone.

TJ is gone.

If this is his story, that's insane.

I think it's going to be his story.

That's crazy.

That's crazy if it's his story.

But maybe he's just hiding out until we all guess something else.

Maybe.

And he's going to come back with triumphant images.

Also, Jake is a scumbag.

If TJ was like, go back in there and tell me what's going on.

Yeah, that's true.

Jake is your fucking climbing piece of money.

Zero loyalty.

You think TJ's going to hire you to do nothing?

You've erased yourself.

It's foolish what we're doing.

I mean,

TJ would be the smarter answer here, but I'm still going Danny Polishuk.

I don't believe him when he says he's never had sex with a black woman.

I think it's Jay.

I think it's Jay.

No, nobody,

no woman is saying Jay is turning them out.

Look at me.

It's insane.

No offense, Jay.

And this is, I'll say it for both of us.

We don't have dicks to turn black women out.

That's what I thought about.

I was laying on top of her and her insides were going in and outsides.

You turning me inside out.

Get off.

Yeah.

My insides?

Oh, my outsides.

I'm going with Danny as well.

No vote from TJ.

No vote from TJ.

All answers are in.

Alex.

That story belongs to Danny Paula Shock.

You know it.

You know it.

We knew it, Danny.

Great as I said.

Damn it.

I just want to say, before the show, Lewis, you came up to me and you go, TJ said he's doing something.

Oh, God, what's it going to be?

And it was just leaving all the time.

No,

he had another plan at one point, right, Alex?

Oh, for sure.

And Alex put the kibosh on his plan.

I think that probably bummed him out for the beginning of the show.

Oh, God, what was it going to be?

I don't know.

He said in the green room.

He goes, I got to leave at 8:45.

Did he really?

Yeah.

It just seemed like it was a joke.

It's TJ.

He's just going, haha, funny, TJ.

So what happened with this black girl you had sex with?

Met her on Tinder randomly in Ottawa and had sex with her.

And then she said that, and I was like, eh, eh.

We should take a black girl with like a super Canadian voice.

Like, you're turning me out.

You're turning me out?

You're turning me oot.

She's girl.

You're turning me out.

You're losing my hoosey too hard.

Ooh, woot, boo.

You're turning me woot.

I mean, was she was she on section eight no we don't have that no no no she's actually rich no no no no you're on section man you are racist i'm on section oot it should be a crime how you're me eh

i'm gonna call the mounted police no she was actually really rich actually but uh no i i didn't know i had that gear in me i'm not gonna lie she was like rich like chocolate uh that too

and sweet the darker the berry hell yeah yeah they say once you go black you never go back and i never went back so well um

actual racism.

Actual racism.

Alex, where are our points at?

In last place with two points and not here anymore.

Well, there's still time.

There's still time for him.

TJ Miller.

Did he text anybody what his vote was?

He said it was Jay.

In fourth place with six points, Danny Paulashuk.

In third place with seven points, Mike Rainey.

In second place

with nine points,

Big Jay Oakerson.

And in the lead with 12 points,

Luis J.

Gomez.

All right.

That's right.

Story.

Just to clarify, TJ's stories will still be in here,

right?

Or are you removing them from the game?

I was going to leave him in, I guess.

We've never faced this before.

We've never faced this before.

I don't know.

What if through TJ not even being here, he ends up winning?

Is that possible?

Yeah, technically, if he...

He could make up that many points?

Yes.

Yeah, 100%.

Technically, he could, yeah.

TJ can still win by not being here.

Okay.

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank yokratum.com for supporting today's show.

We love Yo Kratom.

Home home of the $60 kilo.

Yo, a kilo of Kratom.

It's incredible.

That's 1.1 pounds, Jay.

2.2 pounds.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot that we're doing double points.

Yeah.

Double pounds.

Double pounds.

Double pounds of kratom, everybody.

Double pounds.

It looks like if you order a

kilo of kratom, you're going to get double pounds.

Double pounds.

Thank you, Roots.

Well, look, if you're in the market for Kratom, you got to get it from YoKratom, but the marketing sponsors for everything you're at Guest Digital and for Skank Fest, long time supporters of all the shows that we do.

So if you're in the market already, support the company that supports us, yokratom.com.

All right, where were we?

Story number six.

Story number six.

I went and visited Alcatraz recently, and it was the golden hour, and I realized that's not that bad of a place to be.

And then suddenly, Al Capone was blowing out my cheeks, and he was busting it up from behind.

And it was the golden hour, and I loved it.

I loved being fucked in the ass by Al Capone.

My name is Mike Rainey.

Guy's killing, he's not even in the room.

My name is Mike Ready.

Really got me out of baby.

All the votes are in.

All the votes are in.

That story belongs to TJ Miller.

So TJ, elaborate on this story?

Tell us what happened there, bud.

You have his phone number?

You call him.

Yeah, I do.

All right, should I?

What if he deads my call?

I mean, there's not a real.

There's not a real story to tell.

That was not even in the form of a story.

That was like a manic thought.

Alex.

Alex, you let this story get in.

What is wrong with you?

It's like a fever dream.

I texted TJ Miller to get his stories in last Saturday because he tends to do it sort of last minute.

And

I bothered him about it all day today.

And at about 7.20, he said, I'm in a cab.

I'll give them to you when I get there.

And when he got here, they all read the same way as this one did.

And

I pulled him aside and I said, you can't do that.

And he said, but they're all true.

That is the only rule.

And the show was starting, so like, what am I going to do?

It's the only rule.

They have to be true stories.

True stories.

So, all right.

Yeah, Alex, stop badgering our guests.

When he got here, he's like, Mike, I just want to congratulate you on San Francisco.

And I,

yeah, I was like, yeah.

But you did, you go, thank you.

I did, yeah.

I figured it was for getting butt fucked.

Alex, we're a points at.

In last place with two points, TJ Miller.

In fourth place with 10 points, Danny Paulisha.

Good showing.

People are doing well this game and one left.

In third place with 11 points Mike Rainey.

In second place with 13 points.

Big Jay Ukerson.

And in the lead with 16 points, Louis Jay Gomez.

Jay, I'll tell you right now, you're right.

You're nipping in my my heels right now.

You could come from behind and get this victory.

Jay's only won four Star Wars games ever.

No, you won four, yeah.

Yeah, well, they said three, and then someone else was like, I think there's four.

No, there's four, yeah.

Somebody fucked up.

But anyone could win this victory.

This is anyone's game, genuinely, but

Jay, there's a real chance here.

In a weird way, I'm rooting for you.

Stop.

I want you to just win another one.

I want to defeat you.

I'm not going to, I won't, listen to to me.

I won't just give it to you.

You have to take it.

I'm going to take it.

Because when I win it, it's going to be so sweet when I bring in the story

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All right, where were we?

Alex,

story number seven.

Story number seven.

I traveled by cab from Arizona to Mexico for the sole purpose of eating Mexican hooker pussy.

Look, this sounds like my origin story.

I don't know why I was going to say it could also be Mike Rainey, but it's not.

I mean, me, you, and Rainey are sort of the same scumbag.

Yeah, no cabbies were berated, so I don't think it's you, Lewis.

How expensive of a cab is that?

Depends where you're at in Arizona, I think, right?

That is true.

That's a great point.

Does Arizona border Mexico?

I have no idea.

I think so.

I believe so.

Isn't that where Stanhope lives?

So in case he has to dip out of the country.

uh, we, I think we want to say this is TJ Miller.

It's a little too coherent for

TJ story.

Dan, I don't think it's you because I don't think you've ever been to Mexico.

I've been to Mexico, really?

I have, yeah.

For what purpose?

Uh,

eating hooker pussy.

I think this is a Gaffegon joke.

Yeah, why is Mexican hooker pussy always says the the same as me, cheese?

Oh, what about Mexican hooker asshole?

Oh, it's Wallace the asshole.

Me, cheese.

It's all the same thing.

Why did he say

this guy has TB?

These guys got super TMR.

Look, it does sound like Matt, I will admit that.

You know what?

Didn't I just sell you, Lewis?

I'm just fucking coming to take this game.

Jay?

Oh, I thought you were going to say me.

I am.

Jay,

I want you to win.

You're not ruined for me to win.

I want you to win.

No, you're not.

I'm not going to fall for your wiles and wins.

Rainy, have you been with some prostitutes?

I mean, you've been with your chick for 25 years, but you've probably, you know.

Yes, I've been, well, just washy-washy.

I would go after Eagles games.

And

you got to sometimes.

You're feeling down.

Yeah, even after wins, though, Jay, you go in there, there's 50 guys wearing Eagles jerseys.

It feels like fucking

guys.

It's It's not me.

Everyone's writing my name.

It is not me.

You're about to give Jay the same thing.

You seem very decisive sexually.

That's why I'm picking you for this.

You like this story, too.

He just gets scammed.

Jay, the fact that you're loving it.

Hold on, let me just say this.

I know it's Jay.

You're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

I know it's Jay, and I'll tell you why.

Why are you playing this charade?

Everyone's in.

Charade was the name of the prostitute, actually.

Sharade Martinez.

Sherad.

Sherad Martinez.

No, because Jay would know this story if it was me.

You know, I would tell you that I took a fucking cab from Arizona to Mexico.

I've been to Mexico a couple times in my life.

Do you think I've ever traveled from Arizona to Mexico?

You're an idiot.

It has to be you.

Could it be rainy?

I don't think it's rainy.

I don't think rainy.

My pothead memory is so short and terrible that I'm telling you, I believe you told me this story happened two weeks ago.

I think it's going to be Big Jay.

But would Big Jay eat Mexican hooker pussy?

Would I take a cab to Mexico?

That's the thing.

If it was 15 minutes over the border, yes.

No.

Yes, you would.

Nuts, dude.

I'd be afraid.

I'd be afraid to do that.

I'd be like, what if I can't get back?

It's different from turning down a woman in Trinidad because he's right there for that.

He's traveling there for this, and it's like he's going to take what he's got.

But Jay, I mean, Jay,

would he have his passport on him to go to Mexico?

I don't know if he'd go for Mexico.

You like like to travel, though.

I love traveling.

I love hooker pussy.

Oh, you love eating hooker pussy.

Danny, Danny, Danny.

Could this be Danny?

Oh, that's not awesome.

It's definitely.

Listen to me.

I swear to God, it's not me.

So I have to figure out who it is right now because I can't let Jay take this.

If I were you at this point, I'd write TJ.

No, I don't think it's TJ.

Could it be Danny?

Was Danny a fucking dirt ball?

Danny could be a secret dirt ball.

What was his favorite?

It wouldn't be much of a secret, would it?

Also, it's a very Canadian-friendly thing to do to go pay a prostitute to eat her pussy yes

i wish i would have thought back

what uh i may have what was danny's other story the black girl the black girl he's also fucked up black

i mean this guy's a bottomless a bottomless bit of surprises but i just don't feel like danny's the same type of dirt ball that the other three of us are eating hooker pussy i know that is a dirt ball move but it's in the world of dirt ball that is the most vanilla like oh this guy that's vanilla oh he wanted to go be like not vanilla but like, oh, he wanted to go get some hooker pussy, and he just made her feel good and left.

Yeah,

I don't think they make her feel good, they want to be loved.

I think you're a unique dirt ball.

It's like, out of the four of us, you look like you're into hookers, but you could also be caught in a kitchen with Chris Hansen.

Sure,

thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, what a compliment.

Rainy, do you not?

Do you really not have a passport?

I don't know.

I believe that.

Yeah.

So, this is Big J or Danny?

I'm going to go with my original instincts, which says Big J.

Would Jay bring his passport to Arizona?

That's crazy.

Why would you?

To go eat hooker pussy.

Danny.

By the way, this is crazy if we all said Lewis and you're taking this long and it is you.

That would be nuts.

I will say if it's me and I'm just

in your life.

I'm still hosting.

Fuck.

Is it Danny or Jay?

I just, I don't think Jay would travel to Mexico to eat hooker pussy.

Unless you're trying to get us to to check.

I wouldn't travel to Mexico at all.

But you would eat hooker pussy.

Yes, but domestically.

Buy American.

MAGA shit right here.

You know what?

I'm going to.

You're going to go down there and start taking their jobs, eating pussy.

Process of elimination.

I don't think it's Rainey.

I don't think it's Big Jay.

I'm going with an oddball here.

Danny Paula Schuck is my guest.

You might be right.

Alex.

That story belongs to Mike Rainey.

No.

You you son of a bitch.

You had a passport the whole time.

No way.

No way.

That's insane.

You had a passport this whole time.

No.

You illegally traveled to another country?

Here's the deal.

I was in the military, and I was in the Marine Reserves, and we had to do two weeks every year.

And for this two weeks, we had to go to Yuma, Arizona.

And as soon as you get there, they give you the rundown saying, look, whatever you do, you know, when you're not working, you can do what you want, but we advise you not to go to Mexico because you're going to get scammed.

So that night, as soon as everybody got a few in them, we got in a cab, and the guy's like, Yeah, I could take you to Mexico.

So they took us to Mexico, and immediately the scam starts.

They make you change cabs like three or four times, but they do deliver on the prostitutes because we did tell him what we wanted.

And I said, I just want to eat pussy, man.

And bless his heart, he's a place for that.

We got white pussy, we got black pussy, we got yellow pussy, we got bloody pussy.

If you can find cheaper pussy, eat it.

Eat it.

I just watched that last night.

So eventually they bring you to a hotel and they wave you in.

You get matched up with a girl.

They put you in the room and you're there for an hour.

So I ate pussy.

For an hour?

No, I ate pussy for a little bit and then I ended up fucking and then I took a nap for the rest of the 15 minutes or whatever.

The whole Mexican experience.

The whole enchilada, you know.

Lazy, horny.

The whole enchilada is great.

But then the scam starts all over again going back.

You have to get into multiple cabs before they take you back to the base.

And when it's all said and done, I think each cab was maybe like 40, 50, or 60 bucks.

Oh, damn.

But they did give you what you wanted, and I got to eat hooker pussy.

Wow.

And you've got a lot of points just now.

Alex Warrow points.

How was it?

It was great.

I enjoyed it.

Gross.

Moy Caliente.

Really gross.

On the scoreboard in last place with two points.

TJ Miller.

Still on the board, though.

Still on the board.

In fourth place with 10 points, Danny Paulichuk.

In third place with 13 points, Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with 16 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Oh,

what a shake-up.

What a shake-up.

And now in the lead with 19 points.

Mike Rainey.

Hold on.

He should have 17.

He got two for each of us.

TJ didn't vote.

I've been counting

that TJ got zero points every time, and I've just been putting it toward whoever's score.

We're acting as if TJ's here score-wise.

I'll tell you what, Alex, give TJ two of mine just so I'm still winning, and TJ's got a few more points.

I mean, that's crazy, though.

Now I'm three points further away from my goal of winning this game.

It's being ripped away from us.

This is ridiculous.

He's still got some time.

He's still got one.

I mean, fine.

I guess the game's not real.

Whatever, Alex, go.

Listen, that's not the thing.

The idea is that's how the game works.

And Mike was able to jump ahead thanks to one thing and one thing only: double points.

Thank you, baby.

Thank you.

They're handing out everyone's bills.

Everyone's like, yeah, fucking double points, fucking asshole.

Thank you, Roots.

By the way, I have such like

dad left when I was young syndrome that every time the door opens, I'm going, TJ?

She's some stupid girl.

TJ?

Alex give us our final story

story number eight

when I was a kid I had an old Indian lady babysitter she would microwave bananas put ketchup on them and feed them to me My parents found out and I never saw her again.

That is a Canadian delicacy.

Microwave bananas.

Absolute fucking lootly.

And Indians are all over Canada.

They're lousy with them.

They're lousy with Indians.

Canada's lousy with old Indians.

I've never had an Indian babysitter.

They're all lousy.

Dad, would she pour the ketchup through her fingers when she put it on the fucking bananas?

Oh, microwave the banana.

My babysitter maybe put my own ketchup on my own banana.

But I was going to say, by the way, microwave the banana sounds like she was blowing you.

Do you want me to microwave your banana?

It's not race if it's dead on impression.

Pretty spot on, y'all.

Your parents found out

and never saw her again because you're fucking uppity white Canadian parents don't understand other cultures

and their hot banana ketchup.

Yeah, but hold on,

Big Jay's doing a lot of talking right now.

Indian babysitter?

Not in a million years.

They don't have Indian people in Philly?

You also have never been to Trinidad, you piece of shit, you liar.

By the way, vote for me.

You're giving it to you, then you're giving

a banana.

I remember you saying on Skanks at one point you had an Indian babysitter.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

You did.

You've never heard that.

I've heard this.

But I would play it more like, oh, I had an Indian babysitter when I was younger, but she wasn't in trouble for giving me ketchup and bananas.

This is not a thing that happened to me.

I've never had ever an old Indian lady babysitter in my life, let alone this story.

You claim you heard once.

Sorry, sorry.

Just pull that out of gas.

I mean, I shouldn't even be saying this.

I should just take the points myself, but I remember you specifically saying you had an Indian babysitter.

But I think that's a good thing.

That's crazy.

You're having a real, a genuine, false memory.

No, I'm not.

When this story, when we find out whoever this story is, and you go, Jay, but I'm still going to say that.

This is terrible big J acting right now.

That's all.

It's his wife.

Fucking real acting.

I think it's Mike, but now I'm.

All right, here's the deal.

It's not Lewis's parents because he didn't have parents to find out.

He can't say parents.

If this is Lewis, then there was a finagling here.

Jay just said his dad left.

It's Danny.

Yeah, I'm going to Danny.

Jay's trying to get everyone to vote quickly now.

Everyone take your time and vote.

I never had an old Indian lady babysitter.

Fuck, I was just trying to get Rainey to choose Jay.

I know it's Danny.

Fuck.

Jay never had an Indian babysitter.

I said that one time on the show, you remember.

I was really just trying to convince Rainy to vote Jay.

I know this story from Jay.

I know it.

God damn it, it's not Jay.

It's Danny, obviously.

Fuck.

Oh, dude, if it's Lewis, I'm going to break something.

Alex.

That story belongs to Danny Paul Jackson.

What do you think your parents did to her?

Killed her.

Deported her, probably.

Danny, did you like the snack?

Did you eat it?

I was really young, but when my parents, I don't even remember it, but when my parents found out, they were just.

How'd your parents find out?

I think she told them.

She's like, I made them some microwave bananas.

Why don't you want to just tell us that you tattletailed on this old age?

I didn't tell her.

I don't really, I have no memory of this.

My parents just tell me they're like, you were like four or something, and she was making you.

And my parents watched me.

They gave my kid ketchup, eh?

You're supposed to put maple on your bananas.

There's these young white chicks for the rest of my career.

Was she microwaving that shit to cover up her smell?

You think?

I don't know what was going on, but it's possible.

Something definitely stings in India.

Definitely whatever was in the microwave.

It might be why I am the way I am.

Do you think Indian people smell like ketchup and bananas now?

Ketchup and bananas.

That must be an Indian ear.

No.

Well, I already know who won, but Alex, make it official.

Go for the scores.

Motherfucker, wow.

Okay, with the lowest score in the entire history of the show.

Wow, I thought I would have that.

In last place with two points, TJ Miller.

In fourth place with twelve points, Danny Paul Shuck.

In third place with 17 points,

Big Jay Okerson.

Your winner tonight

with 23 points,

Mike Rainey.

Mike Rainey, you take home Tropical Secrets, Holocaust Refugees in Cuba by Margarita Engel.

Believe it or not, it is a fiction.

It is a work of fiction.

Thank you so much.

When you're new to Story War, you now get the right to say the term.

The N-word?

You have also earned that right, but that's a different meeting.

Double points.

Yes.

Make sure everybody's going to be here.

Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight.

You guys are a great audience.

Thank you for supporting the New York Comedy Club.

Amen.

A big round of applause for all of our guests.

One more time for the late, great TJ Miller.

Danny Paulashuk.

Your newest Story Warrior, Mike Rainey.

I'm Big Jay Okerson.

I'm the Puerto Rican Radicals like Louis Che Gomez.

We'll catch you next time on Story Wars.

Good night.