042. Howie Mandel, Joe List, & Kerryn Feehan | Mental Health

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the gas.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Okerson and Louis J.

Gome.

What is up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Awards.

Let's make some noise in the New York Comedy Club.

Our new home.

Our new home of Story Wars, everybody.

Welcome to the World Wars.

Sold out two weeks in a row.

Sold out two weeks in a row.

We're two for two, everybody.

I mean, sure, there's 18 seats in this place, but that's okay.

Well, that's okay.

They don't know that at home.

They don't know that at home.

We don't have to point that out.

But we always like to ask the crowder, who here is familiar with the game Story Wars?

And who here is unfamiliar with the game Story Wars?

All right.

Well, we'll have some new fans when the show's over.

That's going to be fantastic, everybody.

It's a very, very easy game.

We are your Story Warriors and your host.

I'm Big Jay Okris, and that is Louis Jay Gomez.

We're going to get our three.

amazing contestants up here, and then we will explain the game quickly and get into it.

What do you say?

I'm very excited about all of these guests.

We have pretty amazing guests, everybody.

Our first guest, in no particular order of importance, everyone.

Now, Now, please, his new special, Enough for Everybody, is out May 21st.

And you know, I'm from, of course, the Tuesdays with Stories podcast.

Make some noise for the hilarious Joe List, everybody.

Have you

fake trip?

Beautiful.

Good.

Solid trip.

Breath fall.

Your second guest and contestant, another returning Story Wars competitor.

Her brand new special, Don't Serve Me Out Right Now on OnlyFans.

That's right.

That's why you want to visit her, OnlyFans.

It's for her comedy special.

Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for Karen Feaham.

Thank you, Karen, for joining the show.

Our third and final contestant and guest of the evening, you know him from America's Got Talent.

You know him from Howie Mandel Does Stuff.

You know him from Bobby's World.

You know him as the voice of Gizmo.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody, comedy legend, the hilarious, Howie Mandel, joining us on Story Ward.

Thank you, all three of you, for joining Story Wars today.

We have a phenomenal show for you.

If you're not familiar with Story Wars out there listening or in the room, it's a very simple game.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject.

Today's subject, Lewis?

Mental health.

Mental health.

Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to take eight of those stories randomly and put them up here on the screen one at a time.

It is your job to guess whose story it is.

If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that.

And if it's not your story,

you're supposed to guess whose story it is.

Yeah, every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points.

For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

It sounds confusing.

You guys will get it.

It's very easy.

Once you put the name on the dry erase board, to put put the dry erase board in the slot and remove your hand, that is your final answer.

You can't change the answer.

So that's that.

And look, we're playing for fun.

We all know that.

Everyone here knows that Story Wars is one of the most fun podcasts out there.

But that's not all we're playing for.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

We always play for a book from the Story Wars library.

Today,

the book that goes to the winner, Mocking Jay by Suzanne Collins.

Mocking Jay drops you into a war-torn world where Katniss Everdeen becomes the reluctant face of rebellion.

While it is the third and final book of the Hunger Games trilogy, you don't need to know details from the earlier books to feel the weight of what Katniss is fighting for.

The book builds a vivid, self-contained portrait of society on the brink, anchored by a flawed but powerful heroine.

Mocking Jay.

The Hunger Games.

Mocking Jay.

Look how excited Howie is.

It's weird that, and

you'll attest to this.

Like, when we come here, we have no idea what the gift is, right?

Right.

You have no idea what that means to me.

No, I'm serious.

Look at the cover of that book and look at my one tattoo.

Oh, wow.

What?

It's that book.

That book.

I swear to God, that's my one tattoo is the bird from the cover of that.

I'm not kidding.

Wow.

I swear to God, I am fucking not kidding.

That is, look,

look.

That's crazy.

That's so weird because

I have a green eggs and ham tattoo on my leg.

It's true.

It's my favorite book.

It's true.

That's so fucking weird.

What are the chances that I would.

Did you know?

Did you do something?

You're fucking with me.

I couldn't assume.

Does anybody on our producers know that?

No.

I bought it at a thrift store like four weeks ago.

What are you talking about?

It's from the Story Wars library, the vaults of the Story Wars library, G-Mike.

These are original prints.

Yeah, we have a lot of books in the library, and we just pick one at random every week.

It happened to be

a thigh.

Why do you have that tattoo on you?

Because that book, I read that book

part three exclusively?

Yeah, I'm serious.

I guess you don't need to see the other two to realize the weight of what Katniss is fighting for.

You read the second paragraph on page 42.

Read that paragraph.

Okay?

This is fucking weird, man.

So weird.

Why is it weird?

No, don't.

Then don't.

You know what?

It's personal.

No, no, don't.

Let's play the fucking game.

No.

No.

No.

No, no, you don't want to know.

You don't want to know.

We all want to know.

Second paragraph, page 42, right there.

Is it always printed the same size?

Pardon me?

Is it the second paragraph?

On page 42, the second paragraph maybe she's right

start there no right here yeah oh wait no that is the second paragraph can i walk on my laptop the the column uh maybe she's right yeah i certainly don't have the sole claim against snow's life right and i think i can count on her getting the job done fair enough that's it

oh oh

oh i see how it connects

so fucking weird this is the weirdest night of my fucking life.

I've never been here.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war?

Then with no further ado, Alex.

Our first story.

Story number one.

I once spit on my own windshield after arguing with someone driving me home in my car.

this

has to be lewis or karen yeah this sounds like a this could be a drunk karen she makes irrational decisions the spitting sounds like lewis but the someone driving me home sounds like karen that is a womanly activity being driven home yeah

yeah who would drive lewis home in his own car

unless he hit the windshield from the back of an uber it's very possible

wait one spit on my i mean hold on.

Somebody's signing up.

What's the topic tonight?

Mental health.

Mental health.

Oh, then that makes sense.

Yeah.

Did they spit on it after they got out of the car?

Hold on, somebody's signing into AOL right now.

Spread off.

We're doing great.

Yeah, just give it a second.

Just one second.

We have to power up our 1998 internet real quick.

Generator is almost at 70.

Hold tight.

Hold it steady, Alex.

What's happening over there in the booth?

Sonic Youth is about to play.

Yeah.

Is fucking Hendrix plugging in?

There it goes.

This does sound like the chaotic, insane behavior of Lewis.

But who would you argue?

Jay, you're also, you have just as much road rage as me.

You're also just as inclined to spit.

And if somebody's driving you home in your own car, it could be one of your many wives or girlfriends.

I'll tell you right now why this isn't me at all.

Yeah, I've never had anyone drive me home and I wouldn't be arguing with them while they were.

This isn't a situation I'd be in.

You wouldn't argue?

Jolis?

Yes, I would argue.

Jolis is an alcoholic and used to be a wild person.

And I like spitting my mouth.

I just don't know if he's hitting a windshield with those teeth in the way.

Aww.

Hurtful.

This doesn't strike me as Howie.

Yeah, Howie's a notorious germaphobe.

So I don't think I'm going to be able to do it.

But you could spit.

It's his spit.

It's his car.

On my own windshield.

Not going to bother you?

What would bother me is driving somebody home.

I don't like anybody else in my airspace.

Okay.

I like that.

Should I move?

I would be alone.

I could argue.

I would be alone.

Okay.

Yeah, this doesn't seem like.

It's got to be Lewis, but Lewis seems like the kind of guy that's like, I'm driving myself, doggy.

I don't picture you getting a ride.

Sorry about the impression.

Well, this does feel

fantastic impression.

It was very on point.

I think it's this sounds, maybe, this sounds drunken to me for sure.

Yeah.

Someone had to drive you home because you were drunk.

No, this is a moment of blinding rage.

That's what this is.

No, you add a tree because what's the satisfaction of spitting on your own windshield?

Because you don't know what

it is.

I don't think so.

You go, Karen, you think Karen is.

I don't think it's me.

Karen's now.

When's the last time Karen drove a car?

Giveaway.

Karen was a problem drunk for a very long time.

Problem drunk.

I've never seen her drive a car ever.

And then

she's just the, I don't think it's me.

But can I tell you one problem?

Karen never spits.

We literally, by the way, just had

an argument about, she thinks a blowjob is to fluff.

Sometimes.

Not every blowjob is to completion.

A blowjob is to come in the person's mouth.

Thanks for watching.

Gender-specific.

I think a blowjob can be a lead into fucking.

It doesn't have to be completion every time.

A blowjob to completion is obviously nice.

But if I said to you, I've blown a guy twice in the last two days, wouldn't you think that I've got to go?

You told me not to tell anybody that.

Wait, I'm confused.

So you're saying that Karen blew a guy and spit his cum on her own windshield?

No, no, no.

The cum is a...

This is a side topic.

Oh.

We were talking about it on the way home.

But we were talking about it.

Yeah, this is me with a mouthful of cum,

and then I spit on my own windshield

I'm convinced it's Karen I think this

what I know about Big J is Big Jay he has anger issues he argues with people this is all true I could see you getting into an argument with your wife who's driving your car and you getting so angry that you had to spit on your own windshield I don't let no bitch drive me around bro

this is not how I was raised dog

I don't know anybody here but I think it was you Jay because I I just think, no, I just feel like I just, it's the whole vibe.

Like you would go, I'm going to spit in your fucking face, but you have a windshield there.

I just did that to a Jamaican guy recently.

Yeah.

It was to clean him off.

Oh, Lewis.

Lewis, have some class, Willie.

What is my audition for America's Got Talent?

Unadulterated racism.

And Big Jay Oakerson is my vote.

Really?

I'm going to tell you this.

I'm going to go with Lewis.

This is what he does every time.

Well, not every time, but this time for sure, because

he knows this isn't me.

He's very aware this isn't me.

So that's him deflecting.

It's Lewis.

I'll take my points.

Everyone's answers are in.

Alex.

That story belongs to Joe List.

Joe Lisz.

No way.

No way.

Joe, who was driving you home?

My My friend Ira, Proctor, comedian.

I mean, we got, we were all shithouse.

And I was never afraid of dying in a drunk driving accident.

I was always afraid of getting arrested.

So as long as someone else was driving, I didn't care.

So we were both like in blackouts, and we were arguing about whether or not the East River is a river.

Okay.

And he's like, it's an estuary or whatever.

And I think it might not be a river, but I was like, it's called the fucking East River, you fucking idiot.

And then we were at a red light, and I was like, I fucking hate you, fucking idiot.

It's the river.

And then I got out and hocked a Lugie at him, but on the windshield of my own car, and I walked home.

And then when the other guys got home, they were like, yeah, you hocked like a nasty Lugie on your windshield.

And the next day it was like fucking dried and kicked on.

And then they also had to drive your car back to your place.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I walked.

Yeah.

So that was me.

Wow.

Holy shit.

Joe just cleaned up.

Joe just did pretty good, man.

Only Karen guessed him right there.

Let's do the points.

After one round, Alex.

All right.

After one round.

In second place with two points.

Karen Feahan.

What?

I only got three points?

I hate this game.

And in first place with three points, Joe List.

I can't.

You want to tell me how Lewis and Howie are doing?

The Story Warriors and Howie Mandel have zero points each.

It's early.

It's early.

It's early.

It's the first story.

It's all right.

Warming up.

Start.

Just stretching.

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Brunt Workwear for supporting today's show.

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They have not only boots, but they have like other apparel as well.

But really great company.

I wear my Brunt work boots all the time and I just wear them casually.

Yeah, I got the, they sent me the Marin six-inch soft toe ones, which I got to be honest with you, I didn't think I was going to like.

And then I put them on.

They look much better than I thought and also feel amazingly comfortable.

Yeah, I got the toes waterproof safety toe, which are incredible.

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All right, where were we?

Alex,

story number two.

Yes.

There we go.

Finally.

Thank God.

Story number two.

My grandfather spoke to birds until we gave him electric shock therapy.

This sounds only like Howie Mandela.

No.

Howie's from a generation of people that would electric shock therapy that he was.

Right, but not his grandfather.

They love electricity when he got a grandfather.

He's fucking 68 years old.

That's two years ago.

Yes, his grandfather was born in the 1840s.

I should have kept that to myself.

I do think this is where they thought

shocking someone's brain would do the trick.

Yeah.

Like just like banging a fucking, like trying to Fonzie your head somehow.

By the way, speaking to birds can't be the worst thing he was doing.

Like if it was just speaking to birds, you would an electric shock.

They would in Howie's Day.

I feel like talking to birds is kind of cute.

He had to have been fucking kids as well, which makes me think it.

You're not wrong.

It does seem like a hard indictment for someone simply speaking.

Hey, I feel like that's what they told a young Howie.

They're like, grandpa, like speaking to birds.

Don't worry.

Just a pile of bodies in the basement.

Is that what we call it?

What Zappin?

I don't know.

This could be Boston, too.

I mean, it could be, this feels like, could be Karen-E.

Karen is also very old.

That is true.

Yankee, Lewis.

You can tell by her everything.

At least I had a grandfather.

We will say, too, Joe came out of the gates firing an awful lot of accusation.

Yeah,

just so you know, there can be two, even three stories in a row.

It's all randomly generated by the Story Wars computer.

This could be me.

Double Joe.

Could be Joe for sure.

Double Joe.

Double Joe Litter.

That's a dream come true for Karen.

What a dream.

I mean, my guts tell me.

I know.

I know my first instinct, but I want to play the game a little longer.

Yeah, I do want to.

I want to riff a little longer, but we've all decided it was Howie five minutes ago.

We just know.

We just know it's Howie.

I'm not sure.

I'm really not sure because

when did electric shock therapy start?

That feels more like in the doctors.

Are they still doing it?

I don't think they do it anymore.

I don't think they do it anymore.

Raise your hand if you've had electric shock therapy.

Oh, you had it.

That's what happened to this guy's hair.

Tweet, tweet.

He had white people's hair before he was electrocuted.

Tweet, tweet.

He won't talk to me.

Tweet, tweet, motherfucker.

They gave you electric shock therapy.

Did it work?

No.

Why did they give you therapy?

Who are you talking to?

I was like talking like a flying potato and stuff.

It's a bird.

It's a flying potato.

That's not.

It's a bird.

That's a bird.

That's a potato, pisado, poverto.

What do you think

of this potato?

Talk to it.

He won't.

He won't talk to him.

He's shocked.

Who is this with you?

Who's this with your mom?

That's your mom.

You sent him for electric shock therapy.

Well, the doctor said.

You let them shock your son, you awful, evil wench.

But, ma'am, you sent your son.

You guys live in a castle?

When did you first notice your son was talking to the potatoes?

He was 16.

He was 16.

At what age is it a problem

talking to potatoes?

Mom, potatoes.

Potatoes, you're 16.

Mom Potatoes says that you have to let me get a Playboy subscription.

He was really talking to potatoes?

Really?

But you said shock therapy didn't work, so now you've just accepted that your life is involved,

tethered slightly to reality through your mother, and then also talking to potatoes in your free time.

Did the potatoes talk to you?

He's dating a French fry.

Now that makes sense.

So

he wasn't talking to potatoes.

He was just answering questions.

That is very fair.

It sounds crazy if you're just talking to a potato.

But if the potato is talking to you, it's impolite not to answer.

You're talking with potatoes, not at them.

Right.

It's a dialogue.

That's how things get discussed.

The doctor's like, we're going to shock him.

You're like, please take him.

Yeah, give it a whirl, dude.

Something's going to happen.

Take him from my home.

He's psychotic.

And he came back from all that with his hair all fricased and was like, potato's still there, ma.

Sorry.

Damn.

What type of potato?

Was it just regular potatoes?

Or a Mr.

Potato head?

And his name was Philippe.

Philippe, it was a Latino potato.

You think it'd be Irish?

Interesting.

Papa's fritas.

Yes.

Do you feel that your son is in a good space right now compared to where he was?

Son, we're not here.

We're potatoes.

Yeah.

This is Philippe.

Lewis, you look like a bird potato named Philippe.

I look like a Puerto Rican potato.

You're a Puerto Rican potato bird named Philippe.

Damn.

Did he just speak normal English or do you have an accent?

No, I just don't.

What's the first thing the potato said to you?

Like, how do you, like,

hello?

Was it polite?

He would talk shit about people as a rude fucking potato.

Like, give me an example of what the potato would say.

This bitch sucks.

He's talking about your mom.

He's like, she's going to fry you, dude.

Get out of the house.

Don't trust her, dude.

She's got electric bolts in her eyes.

I see it.

She's power-hungry.

And you, you had to go to, he was 16 at the time, and you, you got him help, which I love.

I'm an advocate for mental health.

But the truth is that, what do you like?

Do you say, can you see my son?

And they say, what's the problem?

And you say,

he says the potatoes are talking shit.

And the doctor was like, Philippe?

He's talking to Philippe?

Oh, shit.

I'm going to get the voting going.

This is great.

I want to just interview you for the rest of the show about

the money.

I'm sure we'll circle back.

I'm going, Howie.

Yeah.

Somebody took my pen.

I bet you the potato took it.

Potato strikes again.

There's two, right?

I might have someone here somebody did.

Yeah.

I'm going, Howie.

Someone's going to sweep hard if this isn't Howie.

This is Howie, and that's a potato for you, sir.

Put it right on the board.

Howie's going to be the big lead if it's not him.

If it's not Howie, that's crazy.

Well, no, Howie doesn't get points for us voting for him.

Somebody else is going to be the big lead if it's not him.

No, no, he would get all the points if it's not him.

What doesn't?

If it is him, I mean, it really is.

It's not him.

Joe, you have no idea how this game works.

Joe, neither of those are right.

Everyone's locked in?

Yeah.

Everyone's locked in.

Alex.

Wow, you guys.

This story belongs to Karen Feahan.

I told you!

Fuck!

It was a clean sweep.

Fuck!

I said it was her.

I told you.

This is like Boston, Iowa.

Oh, shit, man.

We forgot Karen's 70s.

Oh my God, I know.

I'm old too, stupid.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we zapped the shit out of my ginka.

He was.

He was talking to crows in the backyard, so my my mom drove him like three days a week to this hospital.

It starts with a B in Boston.

Bats are crazy hospital.

Now her dad talks to her calls Finn Hospital.

Boston Hospital?

Yeah, but it's like Bellevue or something like that.

It's like a cookie bird one.

My mom would just like chain smoke outside while they zap my grandfather.

But then he was good as gold.

But that's what I mean.

They would like, like, what's the rest of the day after a zap day?

Like, does he go home and he's like, I'm hungry.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, like, go, like, get some drive-in.

I don't know.

God bless him.

Some mashed potatoes.

Whatever.

And when he died, he was no longer talking to the birds or anything.

He was like,

did he have any self-awareness?

Like, that was crazy.

No, he kind of just turned into a different, better guy.

When he died?

No.

Like,

after he got zapped.

Is he dead now?

Yeah.

He's been dead for a while.

You guys have to be a better guy.

Where's Ginkgo?

They're born.

They miss him.

I don't know if that changed his brain chemistry as much as they treated it almost like a dog zapper where it was like he's like, you know what?

I'm not talking to birds.

And then he sees them, and then he sees the birds outside, and the birds are talking to him.

He's just like, get out of here, dude.

Get out of here.

If I talk to you, it gets nuts.

Yeah, my mom always carried around like a taser just to give him a little.

He's like, what do I want for an appetizer?

I'm going going to go talk to that swallow outside.

Blap.

Wow.

Swallows for her favorite bird.

Come on, favorite bird.

She got a hard follow up for him.

Guys, my crow's feet line was really big.

Nobody heard it.

That was good.

Oh, fuck.

Do it again.

Joe, you're now not in the lead.

But Alex, where are our points at after two stories?

Oh, shit.

Furious.

All right.

On the scoreboard with zero points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, and Howie Mendel.

It's okay.

Howie, you're doing as good as the people who made the show.

I'm tied.

In second place, if you look at the zeros, those look like potatoes.

You should look at them, sir.

Maybe you're talking to those three.

In second place with three points, Joe List.

And in the lead with six points, Karen Feahan.

Gotta respect it.

First time she's ever been a six.

Because she's an eight.

Oh,

fuck.

I thought we were all gonna do like the sitcom audio.

I don't even like the game.

I don't like it.

I think it sucks.

You're obsessed.

Alex, story number three.

Here we go.

Story number three.

Here we go.

9-11 genuinely didn't bother me.

Howie Mandel.

I mean,

bother is a weird way to put it.

Did it bother me?

Didn't bother.

I was living in New York City during 9-11.

It didn't bother me.

I mean, I did have

dreams that buildings were falling on top of me for 20 years afterwards.

Yeah, I know.

I got a feeling, too, this is Lewis.

But he's like, the way he's saying this right now, it's making me wonder if it is him, though.

Well, no, I mean,

so on 9-11 every week.

I had to, this is a story that a lot of people know about me.

On 9-12, I had to rollerblade from 23rd Street and 7th all the way up to Rockland County, New York.

That bothered me.

That bothered the fuck out of me.

So it literally, I mean, 9-11 probably bothered me more than about 4,000 people.

He said, when you had to run, that's one of my favorite things in that story is when you were rollerblading and you had to go over like, to get out of the way of cars, you had to go on like those subscribers.

There was no cars.

And so, what happens is on the George Washington Bridge, there's the rumble strips, so you can't go too fast on the bridge.

And I didn't realize it, so I'm fucking, ha, ha, ha.

And I hit a rumble strip, and it felt like the electric shot paraphrased me.

After that, Lewis started talking to potatoes

ever since that day.

And I got up to exit three on the Palisades Parkway, and then some dude in a red car pulled over.

He's like, You want to ride?

I'm like, Yeah.

He was like, Fuck you, Faggot.

That's better than getting raped.

He picked me up.

There's no way it's Howie because he's the the only one with an actual career.

He can't be affected.

He can't just say

unaffected.

We're the only four that's affected.

It isn't me, but I'm Canadian, so it would bother

all of you.

It would bother me more,

but it's not me, but I'm just giving you.

I don't know how I'm playing.

I don't understand what I'm doing.

You're doing great.

But I know I'm doing better than the kid who talks to potatoes.

This could also be.

If that's your bar, for sure.

Yes.

This could also be careful.

The word bother in 9-11, you know, doesn't, it doesn't, bother is a small word compared to 9-11, right?

Like, it didn't bother me.

It devastated me.

Well, it's either you're happy about it or not.

No, no, just that doesn't.

It just didn't.

I don't know if it's that cut and dry.

You know?

You're one of those?

Or, you know.

I can see this being Jay.

Jay was living in Philly at the time.

Where you just

trying so

to throw us off.

I'll tell you this.

Please put it up.

You're a fool if you put me.

9-11 literally bothered me.

That's sold out.

It bothered.

It bothered me, you idiot.

Oh, now he's

going to be able to get it.

He's down on the bother.

By the way, Big J is playing the game right now.

I'm letting you know it's Big J.

Here.

Question.

Were you driving from Philly at that point?

Yeah.

On 9-11, I left my ex-what became my ex-wife's house late, late night, drove by

the area at like 7-something in the morning, and then on the way back to Philly, heard Howard Stern talk about it.

Played basketball later that day.

I'm not going to lie to you, it didn't bother me that much.

It changed my, but if we're going, but if you're going by your logic too, Lewis, it bothered me for sure because then my hour and a half from Philly every day became like three and a half, four hours.

So it bothered me in that regard too.

The action of 9-11 didn't shake my foundation.

I was devastated.

I care about America.

Wait, now I think it's Joe.

I do think it's Joe.

So what's funny is I worked at 9-11, I got a job selling comedy club tickets for specific on maybe the 6th of September at this comedy club specifically.

So this is like the first comedy club I even ever entered in New York City.

And what's funny is right after 9-11, the week after we came to see a show here, and the old New York Comedy Club logo used to be the New York City skyline, and they had the Twin Towers.

And the host, his name was Ozzie Baez.

He passed away, but he was doing jokes that were bombing.

And the third time he had a joke that he kept on doing this.

Every time a joke was bombed, he goes.

And the third time he had a joke that bombed, he went, meow,

and crashed it into the Twin Towers on the sign.

And it was maybe one of the hardest times I've ever laughed for anything in my life.

Ozzy Baez, rotten piss.

Here's what's making me think it's not Lewis is because you're supposed to tell your story after the fucking thing, and Lewis has been talking for eight minutes straight.

It bothered me.

9-11 bothered me.

All right, I'm writing Big J.

Everyone else is listening to me.

You might as well throw it away.

It's not throwing it away.

Jay just cleaned up.

You guys are idiots.

Jay just cleaned up.

I hope I cleaned it.

You fucking fools.

You're playing the long game here.

Jay just cleaned up.

Look, look at his face.

Everybody's locked in.

Get me with the points.

That story also belongs to Karen Feahan.

Two in a row, Karen.

No.

How is she so far ahead?

I don't know if I've gotten one right

in five weeks.

Come on, Karen, talk about what an evil witch you are.

Upon reflection, I had a great day.

Were you here?

I was here.

I just moved here.

I was 18.

I got day drunk as fuck.

I went, I had sex with two different guys.

I went to a store here.

We were at Twin Towers.

I was like, we're doubling up.

Always remember.

We're doubling up.

They called her Building Seven.

I did one in Astoria, then I went back to Manhattan where my dorms were and did another one.

It was, I mean, I consider myself not only unbothered, but I had a good day.

Wow.

You're really a patriot.

You are.

Yeah.

You are so fucked up.

You are the most.

You should do some USO stuff.

Oh, my God.

Your grandfather talked a fucking bird.

You don't give a shit about 9-11.

I'm not thrilled sitting beside you.

It can't be good to have next to you.

I know.

That was a lot of points.

That's a wild amount of points that Karen just got.

That's insane.

It's all the points you can get.

Got it.

She literally, she got two perfect rounds just now.

I don't know if we can catch up.

Let's just end the show.

Alex, where are points at?

On the scoreboard with zero points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, and Howie Mandel.

It's okay, we can come back

with three points.

Joe List.

And in the lead, with 10 points,

Karen Fehan.

Everybody, this is why the game doesn't make any sense.

I knew he was going to say this.

this.

He gets the game.

Karen, Karen, Karen.

Even the name.

Karen, Karen.

Even the name.

You're winning and being the biggest fucking loser I've ever met.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's the only show on NBC Howie doesn't host.

Guys, keep your eyes on the prize.

Get back in the game.

We're playing for the Mocking Jay, where the games are over, but the real battle begins.

The Capitol's grip is slipping, and Katniss is forced to become more than just a symbol.

She must become a weapon.

While there are two books that come before this, Mocking Jay stands on its own as a haunting exploration of propaganda, trauma, and the cost of freedom.

It's actually how I describe Karen's stories.

Nice.

It's darker, more psychological storytelling, delivering action and suspense.

Wow.

Especially page 42, paragraph 2.

Now,

is one of the prequels called Mocking Lewis?

Mocking Jay.

Mocking Lewis.

I got it.

What do we got?

The dumbest crowd ever here.

What the fuck?

Well, half of them have been fucking electric shots.

Don't piss him off.

He'll spit on your windshield.

Everybody just break your own glasses.

Ooh.

All right, here we go.

Big score coming my way.

The tides are about to turn.

Oh, yeah.

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Turtle Beach for supporting today's show.

We love Turtle Beach.

They've been a sponsor for a few of our shows now for quite some time.

Their Stealth 700 headsets are absolutely incredible.

It's what I wear to game.

I'm not a massive gamer, but I'll tell you right now, when I'm chatting or if I'm gaming, being able to hear super clearly, they have like the surround sound hearing.

So if people are sneaking up on you, you can hear it really easily.

Plus, the microphone is podcast quality.

It sounds absolutely great.

Very often when I'm on the road, I bring myself 700 just to record the podcast with you guys on the road.

And not only the headsets, they have all kinds of gaming equipment.

I believe we look this up, Lewis.

They are involved in the ladder of these new guitar controllers for Rock Band, which is pretty exciting.

So Turtle Beach is really thumping it all out there.

The headsets got me through a Christmas looking like a hero to all of the gamers and my family.

My sisters both married nerds who love video gaming.

Real fucking virgins.

I mean, I can't, my sisters must be the only women they've ever fucked because these guys are Dorix.

But they love the Turtle Beach hardware.

I'll tell you that much.

I call them turtle bitches.

Turtle bitches, turtle fucking, turtle bitch nerds.

A bunch of total bitch ass nerds.

Just look right now, go to turtlebeach.com and use the promo code WARS, W-A-R-Z, to get 10% off your entire order today.

Once again, that's turtlebeach.com.

Use that promo code WARS with a Z and save 10% off your entire order.

After you purchase, they're going to ask where you heard about them.

Let them know that we sent you.

Get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle Beach today at turtlebeach.com.

All right, where were we?

Alex,

story number four.

Story number four.

I have dated three different people who would cut themselves.

If this isn't Lewis.

Yeah, I mean.

It's so Lewis.

It's so Lewis.

I mean, one of them is Karen.

Yeah.

She cut herself at

Karen again on 9-11.

Yes.

All on 9-11.

Yes.

I fucked three cutters on 9-11.

I mean,

if I dated Jay, I would cut myself.

Hell yeah.

This one is slam dunk, one of the two of you.

Because Howie's been married for 55 years.

Karen would not be around a guy that cuts.

It's too emo.

I haven't dated three women.

Guys that cut are crazy.

So it's one of you two.

I mean, I've hooked up with a few cutters in my life.

I will admit that right now.

But I haven't actually officially dated.

The only reason this might not be Lewis is because he's dated more than three people who cut themselves.

It doesn't say at least three.

Just a little bit I know of you, Jay.

I think this is you.

You were a party clown.

You showed up where nobody wanted you yes

i could see you with somebody who just never cut themselves and said now i want to cut myself yeah yeah for sure jay jay loves marilyn man he's goth he just rolled down the street blaring slipknot out of his window spit it out oh you're an idiot joe oh every time you do this joe every time you do this you're dead on right I'm right.

You're absolutely right.

It feels too obvious to be Lewis, so it's making me think it's you.

I think me?

Yeah.

You're out of your mind.

Could it be Joe?

Yeah.

Maybe.

No one thinks it's Howie.

I think Louis Deflection play.

I agree.

If this is Karen, I will punch you in the head, Karen.

If this is you and you get a

third story with absolutely nothing.

Punch me in the head.

I will cut you.

Punch me in my head.

It won't bother her.

She'll just go fuck two other people.

Easy peasy.

Wait,

wait, wait.

Because with Joe, he could like stretch and like make us like girls.

Like, maybe they're not full cutters, but like they like

paper cut.

Joe's like, that counts.

You're sad.

You got a paper cut.

You got a paper cut.

Count.

Cutter.

I mean, I know a few girls that you've dated.

I don't know that they cut themselves, but I could see them cutting themselves.

I don't know if I've dated anyone else.

You were explaining to us backstage that you have foot warts.

Yeah, and genital.

And genital warts.

You name a wart, I got it.

So do you think a woman that he dated would think, oh, maybe if I just bleed this out, I would be safer?

Like after spending time.

I think people like to bleed out.

But I think it's you.

Now I'm trying to think, does Joe List masturbate with his feet?

Yeah, how do you get warts on your dick and your toes?

You have to have double joints, for sure.

No, they're unrelated.

What do you mean unrelated?

They're on the same fucking guy.

They're related.

Both their last names are List.

It's Foot Wart List and Dick Wart List.

Dick Warts is from fucking women.

Yeah.

Footwarts is from the Super Bowl.

One little piggy went to market, one little piggy stayed home, and the other one tickled your dick.

At a bathhouse.

Why was that piggy at the bathhouse?

You know it's Tuesday, the gay day.

Don't tell me it's cheaper.

I don't think this is Joe.

I think this is Big Jay.

Do you believe it to be yourself?

No, it's not me.

It is.

Okay.

I'm going, Big Jay.

I'm getting my first point, ski.

You'll see.

You're a full slam dunk.

That's Jay.

Fuck.

You think so?

It's definitely Jay.

What made you feel that before we say the answer, Joe?

The way Lewis is acting.

Me too.

But Joe, look at me.

It's not me.

Hit me.

Alex?

That story belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

Damn it.

Damn it.

I only fooled Howie because he didn't know anybody here.

Who are the other two girls?

I mean, I haven't dated as, you know, whatever.

I hooked up with a handful of times.

I mean, these girls were fucking dark.

They were.

Black girls cut themselves?

Wow.

I had one girl that did it in front of me.

I went to her place in Harlem and she was all fucked up on alcohol.

And then she was like, she grabbed a knife and she started slicing herself.

And

I had to wrestle the knife out of her hand.

Then I was trying not to get my fingerprints on the knife.

I was like, what if she kills herself?

Then they're going to find my DNA and my fingerprints.

I'm fucked.

Did you still fuck her?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Louis, Louis, Louis.

That's the kind of never-say-die attitude you need, young man.

Yeah,

I have a type, and they're lunatics.

I've dated a lot of actual genuine lunatics.

Stop it.

Do you not have a son here tonight?

Oh, he's right over there in the corner.

Oh, he must be so proud.

That's your dad.

Totally forgot.

Who's your daddy?

He fucks cutters.

Is your mother a cutter?

Oh, no.

Maybe.

Not to the best of my knowledge.

I don't think so.

No, it wasn't his mother.

It was before and after his mother.

No.

But if anyone has, if anyone, if any one of these girls has a right to, it would be his

son.

All right.

Well, Alex, where are our points at?

Okay, everyone.

On the scoreboard with zero points.

Howie Mandel.

Chewing the game.

Hanging on to that potato.

In fourth place with one point, Louis J.

Gomez.

In third place with two points.

We're getting killed.

Big Jay Okerson.

In second place with five points,

Joe Liss.

You're catching up.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And in the lead with 12 points, Karen Feehan.

It's okay.

There's a game happening here.

This is a game.

Wow.

It looks bleak, sure, but trust me, it's a game.

It's half time of the show.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's how we do plugs.

And then we'll get into the second half in a second.

But Howie, what are you plugging, my friend?

Oh.

I'm going to be...

I'm going to, after this, I'm going to go back to the hotel and nap.

I don't have it oh Josie you're gonna be on my podcast I'm on the podcast you're on howie mandel does not you've been on the podcast would you come on the podcast

you'd love to come on the podcast Karen would love to come on anything okay

your son's here you know what I want we're all trying all kidding aside is there any way that you would come to LA and be on the podcast we will have potatoes glore

That'd be great.

Just a guy talking to a potato for an hour.

That would be fantastic.

Who has that?

Who has that?

Well, you had Bill Burr talk to Billy Corga that one time.

He was so fucking mad at me.

That is kind of like a guy talking to a guy talking to a potato.

You have no idea how fucking mad he is at me.

Like, really?

Burr.

Still?

It's insane to be upset about this.

Why?

Come on out, Bill.

I couldn't begin to guess.

The world is a vampire.

I couldn't begin to guess why he's upset about this situation.

Are they really brothers?

No one knows because publicly we're saying his mother fucked Billy Corrigan's dad.

So?

My mom used to fuck local cops.

So she fucks everybody on 9-11.

True, but that's only on the high-holes.

I don't know.

I guess the fact is that he realized that his

mother was the pumpkin his dad was smashing.

The world is a vampire.

Karen, what are you plugging?

I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland on June 8th.

Please come.

And then the following weekend, I'm in Cincinnati at Comedy Comet.

And check out my podcast.

Check out my comedy special.

Hell yeah.

Very cool.

Joey List.

When's this come out?

I can't remember.

Sorry, you told me.

No, maybe you didn't tell me.

No, it comes out next week, right?

This will be out next Monday.

But the people who are watching it now know it's out now.

Right.

Well, it's out now Wednesday, the 21st, my comedy special, Small Ball premieres in movie theaters across the country, one night only.

You can go to joe listsmallball.com, and then I'll be at the Atlanta punchline May 29th and 30th, I think, something like that.

Yeah, Big J.

Uh, bigjcomedy.com for all my dates.

Levitt Tale, New York, governor is coming up very soon.

Also, I'm all over the fucking place.

I don't know the names of all these places.

Charlotte,

Texas, San Diego, Diego, American Comedy Company.

Look for a city near you.

BigJ Comedy.com.

Second half of my double crowd work special, they is out right now.

So them, they, both parts out right now.

Go watch them on YouTube.

Check them out.

Please subscribe.

Comment.

All that hoopla.

Listen to the Bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course, right here on the Guest Digital Network, the legendary Legion of Skinks.

Come see me live on the road to bring five friends who are coming to a city near you.

Next week, I will be be in San Antonio, Texas on May 22nd, May 23rd, Fort Worth, Texas, May 24th, Dallas, Texas.

Then I'm going to Europe.

I'll be the end of the month, 28th, I'll be in Amsterdam.

Then I'm in Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester, London, and then I'm in Boston.

And then it's all coming up until my next special that I'm taping in Tampa, Florida on Saturday, July 12th.

Tickets are just about sold out, but you can get tickets for Thursday and Friday as well if you guys want to watch me warm up for it.

Check out all the other pods that I do, the Regs, Legion of Skanks, my bonus solo show if you sign up for my mailing list.

And I make sure you guys, guys, if you love this show, you should know that we do an uncensored, ad-free version of the show that premieres every Monday night before it goes anywhere else at gasdigital.com.

There's like 20 or 25 episodes that are on demand on the website that you can't get anywhere else.

If you guys love Story Wars, support Story Wars by going to Gas Digital and using the promo code WarsWith a Z, and you save a buck fifty a month in the premium membership and it supports the show directly.

All right,

all right.

Now

we have four more stories to get through.

And I know, Lewis, you probably feel pretty low about yourself.

I feel terrible.

I know Howie's not feeling good right now.

Howie's probably feeling pretty low about himself right now, sitting there with Zero.

Sure, he doesn't know anybody or any of our pasts as we all do with each other, but no excuse.

I feel terrible.

Thank you.

I'm here to tell you.

I'm not enjoying myself.

There's no reason to feel that way.

No, I thought it would be good.

I thought it would be good.

And then sometimes things don't live up to what you think.

I'm sitting beside the most fucked-up person I've ever met.

You have an audience of people that talk to potatoes.

I have not scored a fucking point.

It's the fun.

It's not been a positive experience for you.

I understand that to be true.

But this all could turn around very quickly for you because for the final four stories here at Story Wars, we go double points.

Thank Thank you, Roots.

It's anybody's game, Howie.

It is.

Whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point, and if you guessed the right story, you would get two points.

Now that goes to double points.

I'm excited.

Can we get some popcorn?

Karen wanted popcorn.

Some of that popcorn that's going around, Karen was asking for it.

She said, I need something salty in my mouth.

We're all dying for the mocking jay.

Here we come, Katniss.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I sent my mother roses for her birthday, and instead of thank you, she told me to go fuck myself.

I think we finally have a Howie story on our hands.

I was going to say Joe List again.

I'm going to say you.

Your mother has

a father who's.

Howie just gave up on the show.

He's not using his mic anymore.

Fuck this whole show.

I'm sorry.

I was going to say you.

I think it's you because your mother sent your father for shock therapy.

Yeah.

Which means she was fucked up anyway.

For sure.

Her dad talked to birds.

My mother hates flowers.

You are the spawn of this.

You don't give a shit about 4,000 deaths.

Upon reflection.

Wouldn't that where it would bother you more?

In the moment, maybe you don't realize what's going on, but when you reflect on it, it doesn't bother you, is even fucking sicker.

So I think that you come from the

two men having sex with her.

Yeah.

Right.

She comes.

If I may, I think it was 3,000-something deaths.

Yeah, I think it was just under 3,000, actually.

Oh, yeah.

So not that big a deal.

I guess upon reflection.

I guess upon reflection.

What are we even talking about this anymore for?

Thank you.

I just think, I don't know anybody here, but I just think you come from the most fucked-up family of any of you.

Karen, do you?

I don't know your family history, but you and your mom get along.

We do, but my mom hates flowers.

Every time I've gotten her flowers, she's like, Well, there you go.

Flowers die.

Yeah.

Okay.

So there you go.

Flowers die.

My point.

This is the point.

I mean, this isn't my story, though.

Oh, there you go.

Now you figured out how to play.

Whoa.

You weren't bothered by the rules.

Joe, yeah, you said you thought Howie early.

I'm thinking this is Howie.

I'm not putting it down yet, but I wanted to show my flower drawing.

I like that.

Those are flowers.

Why do you think it's Howie, Joe?

It just feels like, I don't know.

I don't know Howie too well, but it feels like there's probably some pain somewhere there from a younger time, a tough mother, I feel like, somewhere in your life, maybe.

I come off tough.

I'm not a tough mother.

I come off like I had a really tough upbringing.

I feel you.

I don't know.

A Canadian mom might be like, you know, you're sitting here like a sissy instead of chopping wood or something.

But it feels like it could be like a, oh, go fuck yourself.

You don't have to give me that.

How do you give a Canadian that accent?

How did you do it?

Oh, go fuck yourself there, eh?

Go fuck yourself, eh?

Go fuck yourself.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, mothers.

Canadians are nice, and mothers, I assume, are even nicer.

The way Joe just said, go fuck yourself, I feel like it's Joe now.

That's your mom.

My mother, I have done four late-night television sets in a row without hearing a word from my mother.

Wow.

Maybe I'll change it to you then.

You can't change it.

You already took your hand.

No, I'll change it.

What's you?

She didn't know the rules.

And then I can't.

Shit.

Sorry.

You know what?

I don't think it's you now because I can't change it.

No.

Because she had two in a row.

What are the changes?

He didn't spell my name right.

He can change it.

What's wrong?

He wrote Karen.

What's wrong?

See?

It's Karen.

It's whiter.

It's C-U-N-T.

Yeah.

C-U-N-T.

It's spelled the way a girl would spell it if she fucked two guys on 9-11.

How do you spell Karen?

Karen.

There's two R's, just like the two guys she fucked on 9-11.

Robert and Ricky.

Unrelated.

They're retorts.

It's the train I took.

Yeah, I love that you have explained the jokes.

I got it.

Two R's.

Let's see.

Okay.

I'm also leading Howie.

Golf.

Howie, what's your relationship with your mother?

Good.

Good.

I called my mother every day of my life when I moved out to L.A.

I have such a non-comedian upbringing.

I come from such a coddled, wonderful...

I don't...

He's lying to my face right now.

No, okay.

We were beaten daily by the mill.

Because I think I'm right.

I don't give a shit if you think it's me.

I want to get on the board.

I have a feeling this is.

It could be Joe.

Joe.

It could be Joe.

It could be Joe.

Look at me.

Why didn't you?

Joe has a tiny mouth.

He can only get one popcorn kernel at a time.

Each kernel is such a choice.

I can't change this to Joe.

You can't change.

Why?

That's the rules.

What you locked in?

Who'd you lock in?

How?

Joe?

Fuck.

Could it be Joe again before it happened?

I don't think it's Joe.

I cannot, please.

I might have spelled it wrong.

Can we do do one pass?

It's not us.

I'm going to let the audience decide right now.

If you think Howie can change it, clap your hands.

Well, hold on.

We got to see how many people picked up.

If you don't think Howie should be able to change it, clap your hands.

Look at these story warriors in the crowd.

It's like, there's rules.

We've got to respect the rules.

I want to get it.

Here's your appointment.

Give me a point.

Give me a fucking point.

Howie, Howie, we're going to make one exception.

One point.

One exception.

You are the only person that we've ever bent the rules for.

You can change your answer this one time.

In honor of Howie, we should call it Sorry Warriors.

Sorry Warriors.

Sorry Wars.

Tory Wars.

I forgot the name of the show, but you got the joke.

Popping fellow button.

In honor of Joe, we should call it Story Warts.

With a Z still.

Spell Joe

Ish.

Fuck, do I think it's Joe or Howie?

Joe,

Joe, look at me.

Is this you?

My mother doesn't talk like that.

What?

She only swears she doesn't talk about it.

Dude, I met your mother.

I mean,

dude, I mean, we should almost real quick tell the story.

We've told it on other shows, but Howie and the audience should know.

Joe invited me over his house one time years ago.

Maybe the second time I ever met Joe in my life, I was on the road with Nate Bargazzi, and Joe's like, Come over, guys, come hang out, drink, we're drinking beers in the backyard.

And then I had to pee, so I was like, oh, can I pee?

They're like, pee in the backyard.

I was like, no, I want to go inside.

So

I went into Joe's house.

And literally, his parents, whether this is one o'clock in the morning, his parents are just in bed.

I'm trying to find the bathroom, right?

And I'm slapping my hand to try to find the light in the bathroom, right?

And I just hear, excuse me, can I help you?

I was in Joe's parents' bedroom.

And the craziest part was it was late, like when they went to bed, I had just had surgery.

I had appendicitis, so I was like laid up on pills.

And I live, they live in like the suburbs.

It was like 15 years ago or something.

It was a long time ago.

So they went to bed, and it was just me recovering from surgery, like watching a hockey game.

And then like two hours later, there's a big Puerto Rican just with his hand on the wall.

And my dad was like, excuse me?

Hello?

It's fucking crazy.

I'm here to watch you sleep.

And my mother didn't even say fuck you then.

No, she didn't.

She let him.

I'm going with my original instinct, Howie Mandel.

I feel like there's some darkness there.

I think there's a story with you.

He was coddled.

Let's see.

All five answers are in, Alex.

That story belongs to

Howie Mandel.

Well, Howie, at the very least, you're on the board.

So that's good.

That's good, right?

Yeah, we changed the rule for him to just continue to fool us.

That was fucking dope.

I was on Saint Elsewhere for six years.

He spent days, you worked with Denzel Washington.

Oh, that's the old

Aunt Begley tactic.

The old Aunt Begley Jr.

So, why did she tell you to go fuck yourself?

Okay, so my mother,

I had to put my mother in assisted living because

Because she said, I never help with anything.

No, but

she had dementia, and she still has dementia, and I didn't know how bad it was, but I wanted to be a good son, and she loves roses.

I didn't know how far the dementia had gone, but I decided, because I'm very successful, I'm going to send her a dozen roses every hour on her birthday.

Well, that's not the end of the story.

You know, the story is going to end with go fuck yourself.

Why would you, why would you go, oh,

but every hour, I had a guy delivering a dozen flowers.

It started at nine in the morning, and then I figured a dozen flowers would come, and she'd call me and go, Howie, it's beautiful.

Thank you for the flowers.

But then she'd forget about the flowers, and an hour later, she gets another dozen flowers.

So she got another dozen flowers, and then she gets another dozen.

And now it's nine o'clock at night.

You know, there's like 250 fucking flowers in her place.

And she hadn't called me, so I checked on her.

I went, Mom, Mom, she said, What the fuck do you want?

Go fuck yourself.

I said, What do you mean, go fuck myself?

And she's never talked like that to me again.

You put me here.

You put me here.

Go fuck yourself.

And I said, Why are you saying that?

She says, Because the fucking gardener is storing all his fucking roses in my apartment.

That's a true story.

Did she turn around when you said I did that for you?

She doesn't understand.

She's got dementia.

She didn't understand.

She wouldn't.

She's going, fuck off.

And I go, no, no, no, it's not the gardener.

This place is filled with fucking roses.

Mom, mom, listen to me.

But fuck you, mom.

It's a gift.

It's your birthday.

It's not my fucking birthday, you fucking piece of shit.

You fucking put.

I had to hang up.

And she never.

So it started with, oh.

But it ended with, fuck

That's my story.

You guys worked it out since.

You worked it out since, I trust?

Well, now I don't send roses.

I send forget-me-nots.

You just get her tattooed like memento every birthday.

I'm Howie.

She's

not her 9-11 flower.

Hold for the laugh.

Where are our points at, Alex?

On the scoreboard, tied for last place with two points each.

Big Jay Okerson and Howie Mandel.

Feels good.

Feels good to be alive.

On the board.

I'm on the board.

I'm on the board.

In third place with five points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Wait a minute, with five?

Didn't I get four points just for you guys incorrectly?

You had one.

Yeah, and you had one before.

Fuck you, Alex.

That's five.

You need shock therapy?

You need a zap, dude?

Zap him up.

In second place with nine points.

Joe List.

Thanks, guys.

Good job, Joe.

These losses fester.

And in the lead with 16 points.

Jesus Christ.

Pitching a perfect game so far.

Really?

Karen Feahan.

Nobody's going the distance on a perfect game.

Who knew?

Well, I mean, it's she got both of her stories, she got full points, and she's guessed correctly every single time.

Yeah, this is crazy.

Oh, that's what they meant by perfect?

Yeah.

Shut up, Jeff.

He's so mad.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number six.

Story number six.

When I was a child, my mother fist-fought the neighborhood crazy lady in front of me.

Shit.

I will admit that I have this story.

My mom fought a lot of people when I was a kid.

In front of you?

Yeah.

My mom was also the neighborhood crazy lady.

So some other kid has this story.

This is Joe's story about your mom coming to his house.

Wow.

We know when pushed to a limit, Howie's mother can get pretty wily.

Yeah.

I was thinking this.

When she gets her breaking point, she doesn't hold back.

Has Jay not had a story yet?

I haven't.

I'm thinking Jay.

Jay's mom was trash.

How do you know?

Jay's mom was white trash.

My mom's five foot tall and like 98 pounds.

She wasn't a fighter.

Of course.

Yeah.

It's always the little...

It's like if you have a, you see like a chihuahua, we'll go after a great thing.

Your mother was a little tiny bitch that went out.

Sure.

Sure.

Tattooed on her little back.

I'm in it.

That's an early crazy guess.

Sometimes

just saying your mother is a bitch is fun for me.

They don't let me talk like this, son.

America's got talent.

You're not allowed to say that.

You can't go, that was a great dance, but your fucking mother's a bitch.

You can't say that.

But here you can

more fun.

This could totally handle an audition.

And the next guy's going to talk to a potato.

Dude, if you promise a golden buzzer, that'd be fucking great.

Let's push him through the live rails.

You're going to Hollywood.

This could be Karen again.

Yeah.

This feels very mashful.

Karen, did your mom get into fights when you were a kid?

It was more my dad, but yeah, my mom's not like, wasn't like a fist fighter.

She like pushed him to shove.

She could have.

She more just hit us.

Oh, geez.

A little.

A little.

A little.

Like, spanking.

Like in a hot way.

Yeah, like spanking.

Yeah.

Just like some white bondage discipline.

Yeah.

Joe, your mom's not fist fighting people.

No.

No.

My mom's tiny.

She's not fist fighting people.

Being tiny doesn't mean anything.

People fisting it.

Lewis has done the movie he does where he tells us, he goes, hey, this is my story, by the way.

He goes, I have this exact story.

I mean, obviously, this certainly could be Lewis.

He's like, this week, I feel like you're phoning it in a little, Lewis.

You're like, cutters, crazy mom.

I'm tired.

Would you do this in a red light?

Did you send these in in a red light today?

Yeah.

I feel like he just whispered to Alex when he was walking up.

No,

I swear.

Well, you know, just fun facts about me.

Mental health.

I can picture Howie's mother pulling the sweater over the lady's head and fucking hockey fighting.

A real canuck beating.

Oh, like giving a noogie?

Yeah.

No, it was a hockey joke.

Oh.

And it could be.

I would usually argue against Lewis on a story like this, but it says when I was a child, and Lewis's mom died when he was a little bit older.

So a lot of times the mother story short.

Well, he could have died way after the fight.

For sure.

He didn't.

She didn't know.

No,

Jay's playing the game right now.

I'm letting you know right now, this is Big Jay Ogerson.

He's

in Big Jay.

Yeah.

Remember that?

And was it me?

And it was you.

Oh.

You did the exact move.

You're out of your tree.

You're out of your tree.

But who uses quotes?

The quotes is throwing me off.

It doesn't feel like either.

People are characters in Lewis's mind.

Like, this is how we talk.

You're not real parable.

It is not me.

I'm letting you know.

You're going to let Big Jay clean up on fucking points right now.

If I knew you better, which one of you who writes in this font?

So if you're saying James is helping up on points, why aren't you already writing James?

I'm going to write Big J.

I think it's Big J.

Write it.

I will.

Thank you.

Here, look.

Well, you're cussing it out.

I genuinely think it's Big J.

I was trying to, you know, stretch out each round, John.

I'm hosting it in the business.

You can still talk.

I got a gain on you.

You're putting Lewis?

Karen.

Karen.

I'm letting you know.

I swear on my son's life.

I'm looking at my son in the eyes.

I swear on James's life.

May James get struck to death by lightning tonight.

Oh, my God.

This is not me.

He does this a lot.

But have I ever been on your life and lied?

He hasn't had enough.

He's the mother.

He's a son of a cutter.

Dude, no.

Joe.

No.

Don't take your...

No, Joe.

Look how frazzled he's getting.

He's losing these points.

I'm trying to look at James.

May James be fucking struck by lightning dead tonight if it's me.

Karen, you're an idiot.

You're giving Big J more points.

Oh, my God.

Probably Big J.

Is that why you talk to potatoes?

Is your dad like that?

Says she talks to potatoes.

May he be electrocuted by the doctor that electrocuted this kid.

You're an idiot.

You are fools.

Karen, is it you?

Oh, it might be Karen again.

If she got a third story in, I'm going to shit my pants on.

No, dude.

No, with Devil Blow.

The game's over.

Oh, no.

It'll be a record for sure.

Everybody's locked in.

Alex.

Quotes makes me think it's Karen.

Fuck.

That story belongs to Big Jay.

I knew it.

You idiots.

You fools.

I told you.

Baby James, I love you.

I would have never been in your life unless I meant it.

Jay, your little tiny mother was a problem?

No.

You understand, the neighborhood crazy lady had got it in her head somehow,

possibly because it was true, that my mother was having sex with her imaginary boyfriend who was an actual local radio DJ in Philadelphia

called like Turntable Harry or something.

And

I really forget what it was.

She told me today, you know, he didn't even have a good name.

There was no alliteration.

I'm trying to remember the name of it.

Turntable Terry?

Something Harry.

Something Harry.

Hurricane Harry or something.

But he was a, and she believed that she was in a relationship with him.

And just me and my mom were coming home from a grocery store one night.

She was holding a bag and I was holding a bag.

And we walked up the steps to our duplex apartment outside.

And

the lady just came up.

All I know is she got in my mom's face.

Immediately started screaming at her.

And my mom, I think almost just worried because I was there, dropped the bags and beat the shit out of this lady.

It was awesome.

And then we went inside.

And to this day, I will tell you, this is what I know about my mom.

I love her to death.

And that's such a badass moment.

And he had told her on the phone even today, I'm not quite sure.

This lady was crazy.

She was not dating this DJ, but there is a strong chance my mother fucked that DJ.

She fucked that DJ.

His name was JR, but I'm sure there was others.

Hell yeah.

You know what I mean?

She dropped those groceries.

Jay was like, No!

Oh, my man.

My mom's puss was all over the afternoon drive.

Traffic and weather on the ones, they called her.

Alex, after six stories, where are our points at?

All right.

On the scoreboard, tied for last place with six points each.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Yeah.

And Howie Mandel.

Two Hollywood elites.

In third place, I also have a tie with nine points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Joe List.

That's right, Joe.

I'm coming for you, Karen.

Here we go.

Lisa's not in me anymore.

Oh, come on.

My son's right there.

You're very sensitive about the kid.

And in the lead with 16 points, Karen Feahan.

I like how nobody's really rooting for me.

Well, you ruined your perfect game now.

I know.

You did.

I told you.

I wrote down your brain.

I looked you in the eyes.

I swore on my son's life, and I said it was.

That's not the first time he's done that to you, I'm sure.

I was like, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.

I'm mad now, though.

Ooh, our final two stories.

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven:

Whenever I've made an embarrassing mistake in public, I'd rather act crazy than sorry for my mistake.

Oh, everyone?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I don't have the ability to.

I don't know.

That would freak me out more to act crazy.

Well, how do you define crazy?

I don't know.

Yelling at people, shouting, you know.

All right.

Well, I've never seen Lewis be sorry.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he makes a lot of embarrassing public mistakes.

And he acts crazy.

This does feel like Lewis to me.

Yeah.

It's so...

This does seem like this is not fair to me.

All right, because exactly, like, you can't act crazy in public or it's all over news.

No, it doesn't seem fair to me because this seems like this could be anybody's story, and I don't know anything about any fucking person.

Just your mic, Howie.

Well, here you go.

Use my my mic.

See, that's...

I didn't want other people to hear what I was saying.

I was talking to you guys.

Well, let me fill you in.

I'll get you a little background before you make any crazy decisions here.

Okay.

Lewis would do everything involved in this story.

But who wouldn't?

Me.

I wouldn't act crazy.

So you act crazy in public all the time.

Rather than being in.

I don't understand.

If I fall, I get up and go, like, I'm about to do that.

And start biting a wall or something.

I don't know what it means.

I don't know what this means.

Yeah.

I don't like, like, I think it's Joe.

Joe, like, drops drinks on strangers.

Joe's face got so boyish and impish when you said that.

You go, I bet it's Joe.

And he went, do you?

I don't.

Wait, drop drinks on people?

What are you on?

Your mind?

He texted me last week.

He was on a flight and he dropped his whole green tea on the girl next to him.

I did do that.

He's like, I'm panicking.

I'm panicking.

What do I do?

I didn't say I was panicking.

It's like

three paragraphs.

So you started biting the stuffing out of an airplane seat.

I was sitting next to a hot lady.

It was New York to L.A., and she was very hot.

So it was like a hot, cool lady.

Yeah, even hotter when you dropped your hot tea all over her.

And I.

Stupid.

She was steaming.

And I knocked.

Wow.

She was boiling.

Talk about tea bagging.

Right?

But then.

I'm not allowed to say that on America's Got Malin either.

I think you could probably thinly veil it.

But anyways, I was embarrassed.

And I didn't act crazy, though.

I took a shit on her foot and

acted like a child.

So now she has warts just like you.

I think this is...

Patient Zero over here.

I think this is Karen or Lewis.

It's Lewis or Joe or Howie.

Or Jay.

I'm so stoned.

I thought Joe was just telling this story, and we'd already figured out that it was him.

I can see this being Howie.

Howie, you have a little bit of a wackydoodle energy to you.

I can see you.

Okay.

He can't act.

I mean, I'll tell you that

this is my problem with this.

I have done this.

I'm telling you, I've done this.

I think everybody has done this.

Like, you want to cover it, you're embarrassed, so you just continue.

So I get it.

I think it's you because, yes, and this is why.

I think now you're playing the game by saying you don't understand that.

To not understand that you're embarrassed so that you act crazy, I don't believe that you don't understand it.

So does that, am I making sense?

For sure, yes.

I do what you understand what you're saying.

I genuinely don't like, I don't understand I'm trying to picture a thing of embarrassing.

Like, I try to open a door that's not, that's locked, and I feel silly because it says it's more push-pull, and then I go,

I'm not understanding the thing.

I think it's Joe List.

Like, if you walk in on somebody in the bathroom, right?

Like, you're in a public bar or whatever.

Show me a wiener.

Show me a wiener.

Show me a wiener.

This is Lewis or Karen, because you guys are like soulmates for the same thing.

Jealous.

It could be one of you two.

It's jealous.

I would say this does.

I think this applies to not only everybody here, everybody there.

This applies.

I don't really, I just don't get embarrassed.

Me neither.

If I walk in on you in the bathroom, cool.

I'm cool.

Yeah, when's the last time it was embarrassing?

I just don't get embarrassed.

It's kind of like, I'm thinking like, even if you like when you wave at somebody and then you realize

it's not them.

So then you make.

So then you pull your dick out.

I'm off my men.

That's beautiful writing on my name.

Am I thinking this is

Joe List?

Why are you doodling my

that's how you spell it?

Yeah.

Oh, popcorn.

Uh-oh.

I'm putting Karen Joel.

Look, he's embarrassed.

He's freaking out.

Yeah.

Wow.

Too much.

Going too hard.

I certainly think Howie keeps guessing me because it's the only name he knows how to spell for sure.

Howie's just done touching his marker.

He just puts you for every.

Erin touched it.

Yeah, it's true.

You know what?

I'm going with my first instinct.

Howie Mandel.

This is it.

This was a good one.

This is what it is, Lewis.

Fuck, it's Lewis.

It's not.

It's Lewis.

Someone's about to get a lot of points.

Let's see.

Who?

Oh, if it's Joe.

Ooh, Joe.

I'm going to get a lot of points.

Who is it?

Alex.

All the answers are in.

That story belongs to

Howie Mandela.

Oh!

Howie just cleaned up.

That's so good, Howie.

Thank you.

How many points did I get?

How many?

Oh, Day, you'll talk about that after.

I can tell the story now.

And when I tell a story, you want me to use the microphone if you want to.

Listen, you're a pro.

I just quietly want to tell myself the story.

Truthristic.

I'm acting crazy.

This happens.

Toe to the potato.

So

I'm in a public restroom and I'm in the stall and there's a person in the next stall.

And the person says, hello.

And I say, hello.

And then I hear them say, how you doing?

And I go, I'm doing good.

How you doing?

And then I hear them say, nobody showed up.

And I go, well, who's supposed to be here?

And then I realized, I'm a fucking idiot.

That guy's on the phone.

So I don't want him to think that I didn't know that.

So I just continue the conversation.

Is it still seven?

Well, why is it blue?

Then tell him to get out.

He finishes.

I hear it flush.

And as he's leaving, I'm still screaming.

And you tell Cheryl

that there is no way it was 11.

That's a nice story.

That is.

That is better than waiting for him to hang up the phone and go, sorry, I thought you were talking to me while shitting.

Sorry, I thought we were having a normal, as normal people do, a shit conversation.

Oh, man, and the public restroom is just a fucking great place.

Embarrassing.

I love when people are uncomfortable.

I don't like when I'm uncomfortable.

I used to, this used to be my act when I was a kid, even in school.

I used to take a chocolate bar in there and I'd rub the chocolate all over my hand.

And I'd see somebody in the next stall and then I'd stick my hand on there and go, you got toilet paper?

Dude, I would do the same.

We did that at a Burger King.

We took a chocolate bar and rubbed it all over the toilet seat and on the walls.

We were drawing swastikas.

We were fucking.

And then we'd wait outside of the bathroom until like the employees would one by one go in.

You watch them come out and refuse to clean it up.

You know, James, kids' stuff,

just kids horsing around.

I would do that.

All the swastikas and chocolate shit.

Why'd you have to have the swastikas and because of me?

Oh, come on.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

I don't.

All right, Alex, where are our points at?

All right, everybody.

In last place with six points,

Big Jay Ogerson.

Man, points are points, man.

I'm here for the game.

In fourth place with nine points, Joe List.

I dropped to fourth place?

This is double.

We're in the double round, idiot.

Head out of your ass.

I've got popcorn in my hair for a bit.

In third place with 12 points, Howie Mandel.

Sit down.

Sit down.

It's crazy.

This is a crazy crowd.

They're insane.

They are.

Unhinged.

In second place with 13 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And in the lead with 16 points, Karen Feah.

Things are heating up.

Somebody tonight is going home with Mocking Jay.

Suzanne Collins takes a dystopia to its breaking point.

And you don't need prior knowledge of the Hunger Games series to feel the emotional impact.

From underground bunkers to battlefields, the story plunges into a full-scale civil war led by a young woman trying not to lose herself.

It's a dark, powerful entry point into a broken world on the edge of change.

Great book, but the cover is kind of dumb.

What the fuck are you saying?

All right, right.

Alex, great calves.

Pardon me?

No, little calves.

You clamped, climbed out of the fucking gutter and

this is close.

Go ahead.

Sure, you swore to God on your son's life that it wasn't you, which

is a weird tactic.

We could all say that.

I'll kill myself if it's not.

We could all threaten reality to the game.

That's not against the rules.

It's above board.

Alex, our final story, story number eight.

Story number eight.

I once saw my grandmother pick an old box of cigarettes up off the ground because she collected Marlborough Miles.

My friends witnessed it, and I pretended not to know her.

Louise.

Louise, it's me, your grandma.

Shut up, I don't know, you crazy old lady.

Louise!

My great-grandmother, first of all,

did she smoke Marlboroughs?

She might have smoked Marlborough Lights.

She did not collect Marlborough Miles, and she was not Latina.

That's your grandmother.

My grandma Jane was also white.

Uh-huh.

You think white people didn't collect Marlboro methods?

Well, you were doing a Latina.

I know because it's your aunt that was part of the bit, dude.

That's all.

Hey, Louise is white ass.

Hey, I'm a blanca.

They call me a blanca because I'm the white one of the family.

Yes, he.

I already got Jay written down, but I'm not.

It's not my final answer.

Can I tell you something?

I swear that I wait after the show, I will go find my daughter and put a fucking bullet between her eyes.

She's 22, and I love her to death, and I will murder her dead if this is me.

You know what, Frances, this is me.

If my grandmother smokes cigarettes, never one day in her life, Jay,

I will call my daughter right now.

We know you're not going to kill your daughter, but

you're not swearing on her life that the Lord may strike her down.

My daughter?

Oh, yeah.

The Lord, sweet Lord.

Take her, but painfully.

Take her eyes first and make her suffer through that,

and then all of her senses one at a time.

And then maybe her limbs later learn to live without things.

And every time she gets a new zest for life, because she's going, okay, you know what?

Sure, I don't have eyes or arms

and nothing where I can't hear, but I can still, I find joy in one of the things, we take that from her too.

God will take it away from her over the course of, let's call it, six excruciating years.

You know what?

Because my grandmother got Marlboro Miles.

I believe him.

It's not Jay.

Thank you.

Wow.

I'll tell you, it's not Jay.

Lewis, who are you willing to kill your family to prove to be a snipe?

Any other family members of being a murder?

I would not swear in anybody's life.

That's against my own personal thought.

Oh!

No!

No, it's not me.

That's it.

It's it's just not me i swear i mean the only person i care about is my son it's not me and i swear on lewis's son's life may

no i may what should happen to him what should god do to him

may you die may you

how old are you how old are you

no not you his son

how old are you

That's his girlfriend.

Is she on a seven-second delay?

What kind of kid do you have here?

Oh, it's a lot longer than seven

may you be struck dead young man

and you know how much I care I don't give a shit about you but you know it's not me it's not me I would never my family didn't smoke my family doesn't and Marlboro is an American brand I grew up in Canada so may

God strike you dead little boy

I'm not allowed to say that on America's Got Talent.

Well,

Howie, I don't mean that you might want to talk to SP about that because I believe if you are telling the truth, you can say those things.

So I think it's Karen.

Did I spell it right this time?

No.

No.

K-A-D-R-A.

Kadrin?

No,

that's a six.

The six is silent.

Oh.

I wish the six was silent.

Good one.

Joe, did your grandma smoke?

This is a topic.

My grandmother,

I think she smoked for a while, but then stopped.

That's a Boston trash would collect what's going on.

It's also Philly trash.

That's why I thought Jay, and then I erased it.

No, for sure.

Listen, I will murder my daughter.

By then, also, God will take all of her senses.

It feels very clear.

Karen, did your grandma smoke?

Yeah.

What'd you smoke?

Like the skinny ones.

I bet.

Caprice.

Yeah.

You come a long way, babies.

By the way, you can get Marlboro in Canada.

You can, but it's a whole lot.

If you're picking them up from the ground,

you're not importing them.

And it's.

Yeah, nobody finds a sweet imported cigar.

You never find a fucking

Benson and Hedges on the ground.

I like you show yourself.

I like that.

I wrote Karen or Jam and Oracewan.

The fact that you think Karen, you know Karen Wells, making me think Karen.

This could also be Lewis, though.

It feels very fucking marshfield.

I mean, I personally, I collected Marlborough Miles.

I would find cigarettes on the floor and I would tear the things off because I thought I was going to fucking win a leather jacket or a jet, but it was never going to happen.

You did get the sleeping bag, though.

He still uses it.

No, I mean,

because I had the Marlborough Miles catalog, and I always thought I would collect it off and send them in, but when it came down to actually getting an envelope and sending them in, it just never happened.

Yeah.

You got a tail and a butt plug

and a trip to the Marlborough Ranch.

Woo!

I don't even think I have a chance.

Does anyone have a chance?

So it's just Lewis and Karen, The only two with the channel.

No, Hallie's got a chance, too.

That's not true.

What do you mean?

We're in the double round.

Don't you understand how this acts?

What's double?

It's four points.

It means you can get double points.

Hey, hey, hey, where the fuck are you going?

Where the fuck?

This is like that.

We're right on the precipice of

the colours.

This is the crux of the game.

What kind of?

I've never been on an episode of this.

What the fuck are they walking out?

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

We only started 45 minutes late, you assholes.

But they said.

What do you have dinner plans or reservations, you dickheads?

Where would they go?

Where would they go?

Fuck.

Christ only knows.

My grandmother.

I can see this being Big Jay, though.

I really could see this being Big J.

I could see this being Big J, but it's not.

I don't want my daughter to die like that.

I don't think you believe in spirits the same way that I do.

What do you mean?

Going back to the instinct.

You always go with your instinct.

You know what?

I'm going to also go with my instinct.

Big Jay Okerson.

Shit.

It's Karen or Lewis.

Fuck.

Conrad Lewis.

What a fool.

What a fool Karen is.

All right.

Go, Karen.

Shit.

Shit.

All right.

I feel.

All of our answers are in, Alex.

The six is silent, though.

It's tattooed on my lower back, if you want to say it.

That's how she gets her whole stable.

Everybody's in.

The final story belongs to Alex.

The final story belongs to

Joe List.

Joe List, go away.

That's insane.

What's the story, Joe?

Joe?

The story was: I was on the track team.

It's a big surprise, I know.

And I was a big, big distance runner, ladies.

And my grandmother literally did not smoke, but collected Marlboro miles.

loved tents?

My grandfather smoked.

I had an uncle that smoked, and she literally would just pick him up off the trash and ask everyone she knew who smoked cigarettes.

And then

she picked him up off the ground, and all of the kids in the team were like, yo, that old lady just picked up some fucking cigarettes.

And I was like, oh, shit, that's crazy.

Yeah.

Oh,

ew, you gross old bitch.

And then later on, I love you.

I'll see you, huh?

Later on, I did see her.

It was like chatting with her.

A couple people were like, wait, do you know the fucking old lady that picked up?

And I had to be like, Yes, that's my grandmother.

She picks up my memory.

That's insane.

Uh, yo, I mean, Joe, Joe just wins.

Let's go over the final scores right now, Alex.

This is crazy.

I don't know.

All right, our final scores

in last place with six points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

I showed up.

I showed up.

He tried

in fourth place with twelve points.

Howie Mandel.

In third place with thirteen points.

Luis J.

Gomez.

Your winner tonight

with 17 points.

Joe List.

He's finally, he's finally a story warrior.

Joe, you win bragging rights.

You win the option to say double points.

You win

Mocking Jay.

Mocking Jay.

The story of Katniss.

Really, the end of her story, but it doesn't matter, apparently.

You know what I'm doing?

I'm getting this tattooed on my fucking chest.

That's original as shit.

Will you just rip up page 42 and give me 42?

I love that paragraph two in page 42.

Will you just rip that out and give me that?

One more time.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe she is.

I certainly don't have the sole claim against Snow's life, and I think I can count on her getting the job done.

Fair enough.

Thank you so, so much to our entire panel.

Congratulations to our newest story warrior, Joe List.

One more time for Karen Feehan.

One more big round of applause for the great Howie Mandel joining us.

We are your Story Warriors.

We are here at the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night, 7.45.

Until next time, everybody, peace.