041. Nick Rochefort, Kevin Ryan, & Crack Amico | NYC

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

Very excited to announce that we have merch available right now at our brand new website, storywarsmerch.com.

So if you guys want to rep the show that you love and you do love it, there's so many different things.

We have great designs.

We have double point shirts, Story Warrior shirts, hoodies, everything you guys want.

Rep the show that you guys love.

Whether you got double points or double tits, guess what?

Story Wars has you covered.

Go to storywarsmerch.com.

That's storywars with a Z merch.com and grab your t-shirts or hoodies today.

We're going to have other stuff coming out.

This is the first limited run.

These are all limited edition designs.

So grab them now before they disappear.

Hey, real quick, before we start today's Story Wars extravaganza, I'd like to talk about one of our amazing sponsors, longtime sponsors for all things gas digital and story wars it is yo kratom home of the 60

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All right, let's start this fucking show.

Fill her up.

You are listening to the cast digital network.

Ladies and gentlemen, live from New York Comedy Club and Story Wars

with the Story Warriors, Big J.

Okerson and Louis J.

Gome.

What is up, everybody?

Welcome to our new home, the New York Comedy Club, for Story Warriors.

Make some noise in here.

You're part of the first one.

Wow.

Part of a very special night.

This is huge.

I'm very excited.

We're back in New York.

It's been a while.

We took almost an entire month off for our New York City shows.

We have a brand new partner in the New York Comedy Club.

And they're great, man.

I really wanted to just say thank you.

If you guys are in the New York area, for the people watching at home, come visit the New York Comedy Club.

They have three locations right here in New York City.

What a great, what a great club.

Not saying that the other club wasn't great, but you know, there were issues.

There was, in fact, issues.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

This couple right here is not.

They have no idea what this is.

But they came on a good night.

You're going to enjoy yourselves.

Or walk out early.

I hope it's not that.

I hope you stay for the whole thing.

How many people here, besides this couple, are not familiar with Story Wars?

Just raise your hand.

Look at the look at how boring though.

How boring the people are that don't know the show.

I guess, though, it is weird to cheer hype to something like, who doesn't know the show?

Yeah!

I've never fucking heard of this in my life.

This is crazy.

I think we came to the wrong place.

We're going to get our contestants up here for Story Wars, and then we will give you an explanation of how the game works.

In no particular order, everybody, our first guest, you know I'm from the Are You Garbage podcast.

The Are You Garbage Root66 comedy special is available right now on YouTube.

How about it for the hilarious?

Kevin Ryan, everybody.

Unimpressed.

She won't clap until she knows.

I like that.

I appreciate it.

No, I like it.

Make us earn it.

I appreciate that.

Kevin, is this your third appearance or second appearance in the story?

Third appearance.

Wow.

Have you ever won?

I have won, Michael.

He's a story warrior, folks.

Here we go.

Our second competitor today, you guys know him as, I mean, basically the official rapper of the entire gas digital and legion of skanks universe.

Very talented performer.

Clapping up as loud as good for the one and only crack amiko.

She turned rapper and then we saw he was a white guy.

She was like, yeah, okay.

She loves wiggers, and that's her thing.

It's her one thing.

Who knew?

Last but not least, our final contestant.

Perfect guy life with Sam Hyde is the show.

Scuffed Realtor.

You know him from all his wacky endeavors.

How about it for the hilarious?

Nick, Rosha for it, everybody.

Nick, it is your second appearance on Story Wars.

We're happy to have you back.

I'm so fucking excited to be in your new place.

I hope you're happy here, Lewis.

You know what?

It feels great already, guys.

I love it.

They can't turn the lights down, but that's okay.

Hey, hey, look.

Every place is a good thing.

It's always time to flip out.

Story Wars, if you're not familiar, is a very simple game.

Everybody on this panel, all five of us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Today's subject, Lewis?

New York City.

New York City.

To celebrate our brand new home, the New York Comedy.

New York Comedy Club.

Our lovely producer, Alex, will read eight of these stories off in no particular order, in random order.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It is your job to fool people that it is not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And for every time you guess correctly, you get two points.

Every person you fooled, you get one point.

Once you write the name on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot.

That is your final answer.

You cannot change it.

It sounds very confusing, but you guys are going to, you're going to get it very easily, I promise you guys.

And by the way, I know what you're thinking.

You're like, this sounds like a fun game.

That's enough.

They're probably just playing for fun.

That's not true, folks.

We're not just playing for fun.

Jake, tell them what we're playing for today.

High stakes.

We always play for a book from the Story Wars library.

Today, the book goes to the winner, a brand new copy of The Greyhouse by Shauna Martsoff.

It's a big deal.

Based on true events, The Greyhouse follows a family's chilling return to a former residence, unaware that something malevolent has lingered behind its walls.

As strange events unfold, they're forced to confront buried memories and a haunting legacy they never intended to reclaim.

With each passing day, the house reveals new secrets, pulling them deeper into a web of spiritual unrest and long-forgotten tragedies.

Brand new copy.

Brand new copy.

We haven't even read it ourselves.

So brand new, this binding is perfect.

It's the stupidest bit, but I love it.

I love the shit out of it.

What bit?

Bit?

It's

surprising the game.

My apologies.

I mean, if you don't want the book, I have to play with the book again.

I was going to say, it's a brand new copy of The Grey House by Sean Marks off.

Dude, he's so pissed.

He came for stand-up comedy.

And this guy's furious.

Wait, this couple?

Yeah, I mean, they have no idea what they're in for.

I thought my parents were here.

This fucking investor you brought with you, Lewis.

Miss, if you're here.

Just give me 60 minutes of your time, sir.

Miss, if you're here, who's saying the N-word at a little kid at the park right now?

That's what I want to know.

Her sister.

Sis, I got to go to a comedy show.

Tag in.

She's got that fuses lit.

She's out of here in about 15 minutes.

I try to ingratiate, and Lewis is the opposite.

He goes, they're not going to like us, so I hate them already.

They're sweet people.

They're very nice.

They're very good.

They're here to have a good time.

Listen, they're envious.

I assume one of them has read The Greyhouse by Shauna Martsoff.

What if she is Shauna Marsoff?

Holy shit.

Shauna Martzoff came for the show and sat in the front row to the show.

Give me back my book.

I won't be a part of this nonsense.

I think

there's no further questions.

Are we ready for war?

Are we ready for war?

And with no further ado,

Alex, story number one.

Story number one:

After a late night of drinking, I decided to walk across the bridge and watch the sunrise.

A guy thought I was about to jump and said, It's gonna be okay, man.

Okay,

so

I'm only going based off of who should kill themselves.

And I think that this might be a Big J story.

Really?

Yeah.

That makes me think it's you right away because I'm trying to think of who's a simp that would walk across a bridge

with a girl to sunrise.

Oh, okay.

You think I was thinking about a girl?

I'm sure.

This doesn't seem to seem like which one of us here goes, hey, you know what?

I want to go lonely watch the sunrise on the other side of this bridge.

I assume this is a chick.

I thought either to me this was Nick

or you, Lewis.

And the fact that you threw it to me right away.

Suspicious.

It's very suspicious.

Nick, are you a big drinker?

I'm a huge drinker.

Because this is,

I mean, ladies and gentlemen.

Do you like sunrises by any chance?

The asshole birds.

This is a cocaine-fueled story, if you're not paying attention.

Sunrise.

Sunrise is, yeah.

Come on.

You don't drink when the sun is coming up.

That's true.

Lewis, you picked the wrong guy to accuse me, dude.

All these things aren't me.

Late night of drinking.

I don't have any of those.

Walking across a bridge hates on.

I'm walking.

I assume if they're a late night of drinking, I'm hoping I'm hooking up or something.

A walk across the bridge does not seem like we're getting towards hooking up at any point.

And I would have bailed on this way earlier and been like, ah, I'm good.

It was great hanging out, but enjoy the sunrise.

Krakamiko, when did you stop drinking?

I didn't even visit New York for the first time until I was sober for like two years.

Well, none of the questions are going to be about him.

He's like, one time I watched.

He's not here today.

He's like, at the end of Seeplus in Seattle, I watched

something, something.

Krakamigo's an artist, though.

Maybe he was looking for inspiration from the rise of the sun.

I wouldn't be drinking, though.

This could all be a lie, too.

He could be making that up.

He could have been here drinking.

It's true.

Yeah, he can make up this part.

Yeah, the stories have to all be true.

Yeah, the stories are.

I'm just saying he could have been tricky.

Could have been a big big drinker?

I'm a problem.

Problematic.

Problematic, so maybe.

What the fuck?

Some might say problematic.

That was a little too real.

I was talking to your family earlier.

They said it's a bit of a problem.

He goes, yeah, me and all of his friends are actually pretty worried.

Is that why you invited my parents here?

This is an intervention.

Mom, Dad,

you're in the same room again.

Well, they just pulled out a little note.

They go, Kevin,

I remember when you were a little boy.

You were a ray of sunshine until the drugs got a hold of you.

I'm telling you, I'm leaning Nick, and I'll tell you why.

Because Nick is not from New York.

He lives in Rhode Island.

Kevin's been living here for a while now, right?

Yeah, I'm not a bridge guy.

Yeah, but

it says the bridge.

There's so many bridges.

I would have been like the GW.

Yeah, the GW, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridge.

There's all of these different bridges.

To not specify the bridge is a person who doesn't really know which bridge he was on.

Are you allowed to walk across all of them?

I will never know.

As somebody who's been doing this show three times, this is what he does.

What do I do?

Kick ass and take names?

I'm telling you, Lewis.

This is what he does.

I'm all out of bubblegum.

Lewis's mistake to me was accusing me out of the gates when none of this is me.

Yeah, this is a very good thing.

I had a

brief period of three years where I did cocaine every night, and this easily could be one of my Coke-fueled nights.

It is.

I'll admit that.

You're going, Lewis.

I think I am.

Big Jay's not a big drinker, I will say.

I jot.

I'm trying to think of who would be approachable enough for this man to come up and say, hey, it's okay.

I feel like Lewis, the guy, would stay away.

Yeah, that's true.

Lewis would also have a knife, a blade out.

Like, I'll throw you on this fucking bridge.

Don't talk to me.

I'll take you out with me, man.

You want to come with old man?

Mind your beeswax.

Mind your beeswax.

I'm going to go with my intuition.

I'm leaning Nick right now, not knowing the bridge.

I'm going to be bummed if it's Nick, because that was the first time.

It's 100% Kevin.

You think it's Kevin?

Oh, yeah.

He's played this game three times.

I've watched you guys game each other.

I'm sitting back here just watching you guys outgame each other.

They will never know.

I will vouch to tell the truth this whole entire show.

Yeah.

This one is me.

Crackheaded.

He's the most approachable guy.

Who the hell on this stage?

Who the hell would you walk up to if they're going to kill themselves?

It would be Kevin.

No one knows knows about it.

That's true.

I've also been quoted a couple of times.

Sweet-faced guy.

Don't kill yourself, man.

It's not a bad argument.

You clearly have something to live for.

Yeah.

Unlike the other guys on the stage.

Kevin is the most likely to have someone stop and be like, hey, bud, but, bud, it's going to be fine.

Like, yeah, Lewis is going to be a little bit more.

Yeah, nobody's going to stop a wigger from killing themselves.

He's going to.

Do it.

No one will miss you.

I'm still going with my first instincts.

I'm first to vote right here.

Nick Brocherford is my vote.

I'm going to do Nick, too.

He's lying.

His first instinct was me.

Yep.

He is lying.

I just want to say mean things to you.

I think it's going to be

for Kevin.

And I'm split down the middle.

Pause.

I hear arguments for both.

Does it go in a way or is it just a lock-in?

I'm going to go with Kevin.

I'm 100% sure that everybody's really fond of the guy who probably made them a nice sandwich at his local bakery.

I just now thought about how bad my handwriting is.

Oh, crack is dyslexic.

He's writing backwards.

All right, I'm going to go next.

Who's Kenvy?

All right, I think all of our answers are in, Alex.

That story belongs to

Kevin Ryan.

Yeah.

Never bullshit a shitter.

Dan.

Hell yeah.

Nick came to play.

Dan.

Yeah.

Nick came to play.

Yeah, that was just

laid out why it was you, and it just wasn't very like, just let me

make myself look like an asshole.

I was like, you know what?

It's Kevin.

He's tap dancing too much.

Which bridge was this, Kevin?

The George Washington Bridge.

The GW.

Yeah, which I did put in there, and I was like, they're going to for sure.

That's a crazy bridge to be walking.

First of all, it's at 181st Street.

I live all the way up there.

Where the coast is.

Well, you've been to two states.

It's not even borough to burrow.

I was seeing what Jersey was like at 6 in the morning.

I got all fucked up at Patty's right down the street.

Well, you got fucked up in Gramercy and went up to the George Washington Bridge?

That is psychotic.

You lived up there.

I live up there.

Okay.

So

I got out of the cab.

It was beautiful.

It was beautiful.

The sun was coming up.

I've never walked up here.

He's talking about Washington Heights, folks.

It was a horrible neighborhood.

The sun was beautiful, and I was like, I'll walk across the bridge.

Women get murdered in that park yearly.

Many, ritualistically often.

Yeah, you're not wrong.

He's the wrong shape to rape, though.

You know what I mean?

True.

You don't rape that silhouette.

It's true.

Even if you're a little bit of a drink.

You don't talk the silhouette off of a bridge.

And this was back in the day when there was no railing.

Like, there was just like a railing, like a three-foot railing.

That's it.

You could just easily jump over.

And they had a guy 24-7 posted up in a box, like a little booth up there.

And I didn't know.

What a depressing job to have.

I know.

Stopping people people from killing themselves or watching them kill themselves.

Well, it's all watching.

Because the booth would have to have some kind of a motorized thing.

It would go back and forth.

If someone's jumping over there, you got to go, yeah, shit.

You got to get out of your booth.

You're going, sir!

Knock it off!

There's so many reasons to live!

Wait, son of a bitch.

Sir, see?

So I didn't realize.

I didn't know at first.

I just thought he was just another weird guy on the bridge.

And he's like, how you doing, man?

And I'm like, I'm cool.

How are you?

And meanwhile, I'm like, weird.

Check out one last shot.

My shirt's ripped.

And I look like I'm like just lost it all in a casino.

I'd been drinking for like 10 hours.

And

he's like, yeah.

But the worst thing is I took a picture of the bridge, posted it on like Instagram and Facebook.

And then my phone died.

So I was like taking a nice stroll over the bridge.

And then my phone died.

I went home and passed out for like eight hours.

And everybody that ever met me thought I jumped off the bridge

All right, well in actuality I had McDonald's and went to bed

10 hours But yeah, he was like it's not worth it and then I was like oh no, I'm not gonna kill myself and he's like okay

He's like no I mean McDonald's this time.

It's not worth it.

Just go to sleep gonna go right to yourself.

You don't really want it.

You think once in a while he he doesn't try that hard to get somebody to stop and kill themselves because he wants to keep his job?

It's like twice a year.

he's like, Do it.

Yeah, there'll still be good numbers.

Yeah, yeah.

If you were like, oh, I'm like 78 for 80.

Wait, you think there's 80 people going up there?

Yeah, I'd have to think.

I guess.

Jumping off a bridge a year?

That's what I got.

You don't know most of them.

They're just gone.

Yeah, like, I guess in my eyes, it makes the news or something.

If you're going to kill yourself, that's the way to do it.

Kevin, I believe you just tricked three people.

Alex, where is our point spread at?

On the scoreboard

with zero points each, Louis Jay Gomez and Big Jay Okerson.

That's right.

It's one round.

We're good.

Slow starting bullshit, huh, Lewis?

Jesus Christ.

All good?

Yeah, I see that.

Maybe this place is bad luck.

We're getting gamed.

And with two points each, Kevin Ryan, Krakamiko, and Nick.

Look at this.

The boys game this way.

Oh, yeah.

We are embarrassing ourselves, Jay.

It's heating up early, buddy.

We're going to be absolutely fine.

Alex,

story number two.

Story number two.

I thought my serious girlfriend would be into having a threesome.

After arranging a surprise rendezvous at a New York City hotel, it turned out that she hated that idea

and would never do that.

Surprise rendezvous is crazy.

Setting up a surprise without having the conversation.

This has Lewis or me written all over it.

Yeah.

And it ain't me.

Well, I mean, Jay is into having threesomes, but most of his women are going to be a little bit more.

Oh, yeah, I'm into it.

Hey, guys, I'm into it.

Yeah.

I hate those nasty things.

Yeah.

Guys, I'm into it.

All right, fine.

Every guy is into having threesomes, but you regularly have threesomes with your girlfriend, and she is into it.

So that's why I'm thinking it's not you, but this could be.

But this could be one of his ex-girlfriends.

Sure.

But I don't think Jay would have the confidence to set up a surprise rendezvous.

Oh, who would have that kind of masculine confidence?

You, Lewis?

Exactly like I said?

Look at you.

You don't know how to not be an egomaniac.

You give yourself away.

Jay wouldn't be

badass and balls out to do something this radical and cool.

No, I'm not.

Jay couldn't be this much of a dope.

I wouldn't be stupid enough to not preemptively set it up, have the conversation, know what's going on.

There's three other guys here who would probably also do that.

When you're blown out on Coke, you're not thinking right, Lewis.

You know what I mean?

Just you're not.

Licking your lips and rubbing your nose,

making fucking business plans.

Crack could pull this off, though.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Maybe, too.

It seems like kind of a party thing to do, which again, well, I've had a, since I've first visited New York, I've had a long time serious girl, and I'm loyal.

I don't try and do that kind of shit.

And I think it doesn't mean you're not loyal.

You fucking, you know, she's.

I love her too much.

You love her too much?

You have a three-second girl.

Yeah, we love our wives too much.

It would fuck everything up, man.

You fucking heathen.

That's the gayest thing I've ever heard as you're talking about your longtime girlfriend.

It's not very hip-hop.

I'm in love.

What can I tell you guys?

I'm not embarrassed about it.

The investor's wife hates love.

And I also don't think that Kev would try this.

I think this is a Lewis or Nick thing.

Now I'd fucking fuck you, dude.

You're loyal like me.

I don't think Kev has the big enough dick to try to pull this thing off.

This is a huge, cocked, awesome broad thing.

Probably like Lewis.

Just a little bit of a bunch of people.

Lovable, radical, badass motherfucker who would have the balls to fucking pull some shit like this off.

I hate that.

I love this game, but it's just like all of the people I like, I feel like they're lying to me.

Or they're very mean to me, and I take it's the wrong way.

I'm saying we're loyal guys.

We're on separate teams right now, dude.

Wouldn't you, Kevin?

Nick, how long have you been married to your wife?

15 years.

15 years?

No, I've been married 10.

I've been with her 15 years.

You've been with her 15 years.

Did you guys visit New York City a lot together before you got married?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

I do.

I just met Nick in the green room.

He was like, yeah, I'm staying at this hotel.

It's a cool, trendy hotel.

A lot of weird sex stuff happens here all the time.

So I feel like.

I subscribe to this website called the Upside Down Pineapple website.

I feel like...

You guys are on there.

Remember, you guys remember me?

Yeah, you guys.

Remember that time?

You were rubbing my back and you were like, get her, Nick.

Get her.

That was fun, wasn't it, for you?

I was working my ass off.

I really.

I hope these two lovely people are hardcore swingers.

That would be great.

I just hope they're hard.

Huh?

You got a couple.

Oh.

What does that fuck design?

You're swingers.

I told you they were on that website.

You're gay.

You're gay.

You're gay.

So is Jay.

He's your best friend.

He's not very gay.

Nice.

Oh.

Sir.

Lovely couple.

Sir, language.

Wrong show.

Whoa.

Monday nights together.

I'm so sorry for the rest of the people in here.

Sir, if we could have you come Monday nights to the stand, that'd be fantastic.

Legion of skanks, where we not only are okay with but encourage that kind of behavior.

Ah, fuck.

But even, honestly, I could see Jay doing this as well.

I really could.

New York City Hotel, you were coming to New York City for years and years and years.

This could be you and your ex-wife before you guys were married.

Could be.

It's not.

No, but she would have threesomes with you as well.

Really?

She would never do that.

If this is you, Jay, that's a lie, because she would.

So maybe that's not me.

It's Nick.

It's Nick.

I gotta think it's Nick Rochefort here.

It could be Nick.

Jesus.

But I have a feeling

it's Lewis.

Who would be this girlfriend?

Most of my girlfriends with that have a threesome.

Do you think I'd have a surprise threesome?

You really think that?

I'd just set it up and show up at a hotel with a girlfriend.

That's psychotic.

Right.

Eating hooker pussy is psychotic.

That's always psychotic.

I have done it.

I have done it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get your nose in there.

It'll wake you up like smelling salts.

It stinks.

Nick Rochefort is my answer.

I don't want to jump out of turn here.

Fuck, all right.

I'm going with my gut.

I'm going with Lewis.

God damn it.

Rochefort picked Krakamiko.

I think Kraken pulled this off.

That's crazy.

That's it.

I could, but I wouldn't.

Don't hate to play.

You hate the game.

Everybody's answers are in.

That story belongs to

Nick Roche.

Yes.

Yes.

Horseshit.

The horseshit.

I was so bad at this game.

All right.

You guys are good guessers.

All right.

This is your wife before you guys got married?

It was.

Like every normal guy.

Surprise?

I had a drunk conversation with my wife, like, our 19th date, and she was like, girls are so pretty.

And you're like, he takes that in his head.

He's like, got it.

She's right.

I know exactly what you mean by that.

At the time, she was working for HomeGoods as a buyer, which is a pretty big job, right?

So she's like, do you want to go to New York with me for a corporate visit?

And we can stay in a hotel.

We were staying at the

Royalton Hotel, which is like Philippe Stark's hotel.

You know, it was really nice.

And I was like, tonight's the night.

So, and I thought she was.

She's all goosebumps and fucking home goods.

Yeah, yeah.

She's like jazzed up about the fucking bath match she's about to buy.

Hell yeah.

The 50,000 Moroccan bath match she's about to make it over for.

God damn right.

So I, you know, I, like a normal guy, I arranged a

fucking threesome

on a very reputable website.

Oh, it was on the side.

It's a list of Craig, I think it's called.

It was called.

Something like that.

Wow.

So I was getting all these,

we were at dinner at like Beauty in Essex.

It was like a big deal.

I was like 20.

You know, she's older than me.

She's 85.

I'm 40.

So we're at dinner, and I was like, I have a surprise for us.

And she's like, what?

And I was like,

we're going to have a threesome tonight.

And I shit you not.

She was like,

do you have a a fucking sex problem?

And I was like, no, I thought you said six and a half months ago that girls were pretty.

It was genuine.

I told you I wanted to marry you.

Like, we were like, we knew we were going to get married.

And I was like, oh, shit.

Like, I was getting replies.

And I was like, wow, this girl's fucking incredible.

I can't believe I'm going to pull this off.

And it was like Russian goth girls.

I was like, this is going to be so dope.

And I was like, no.

She was like, fuck you, asshole.

We fought in cabs, like two other restaurants.

She's like, what, do you think we're gonna stay up all night fucking some Russian girl?

I have to meet my boss at six in the morning.

I'm gonna be all hopped up on fucking Coke.

You're gonna be some of my bot.

And I was like, oh, shit.

We're married now.

We have two kids.

That's cool.

Yeah, it's good, though.

We made it through.

There's life on the other side.

We all make mistakes, guys.

Oops.

That is a great story.

Yeah, I tell that at cookouts in front of her father.

She loves that.

Her state trooper father.

Oh, shit.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

On the scoreboard, with zero points, Big Jay Okerson.

With two points, Louis J.

Gomez.

With three points, Nick Roche for it.

And in the lead with four points each, Kevin Ryan and Krakamiko.

I like the sparse cheers building up.

I like that organically happened.

Well, fuck me.

Alex.

Crazy.

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Usually this is 12, 18 hours after I put him on my balls.

He has nothing but good things to say about the smell of my balls.

Bourbon leather like it was fresh in the morning.

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All right, where were we?

Story number three.

Story number three.

As a child, child, I visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City.

When no one was looking, I scratched a piece of paint off of a Vincent Van Gogh painting.

All right, now.

I want to say this is...

This is a school trip.

This definitely is...

I mean, Kevin's a Philly piece of shit like me.

And we have no respect for art.

I love paintings

yeah you want to look at some paintings

to all different colors and stuff

yeah that's a dude knocked his ear off

fucking wacko

uh my trip to New York was canceled 9-11.

I want to believe that to be true.

Then I'm going to say, even though I've written his name down, it will be for three out of three times.

This seems like it could be fucking Lewis.

Lewis lived a little upstate.

I respect art.

Thank you very much.

No, not at this point.

You were a troubled piece of shit, kid.

It's not your fault, but you had horrific parents who left you feral, and you can't appreciate art.

And you thought it would make your fucking other

goth mascara friends happy if you showed them like you scratched your head.

Jay, you currently are goth and wear mascara.

Right.

But you are not going to catch me in a museum.

I feel like Jay has been doing a lot of Yapid right now.

Sure.

As soon as this came up, he just started immediately throwing

it.

We took trips to New York when I was in school, but I don't remember.

All I remember from those trips were that we did stop around like 42nd Street at a time where you could still see it was pretty shitty, like the late 80s.

So I remember seeing it, but I don't ever go to a new museum.

I never went to the painting was a Van Good.

I never went to

MoMA.

We went to the Museum of Natural History.

Do not lock that in.

Do not lock that in.

He always does that.

He's like,

I have been to New York at the Museum of

the Museum of R1s, but I did not scratch a Van Gogh.

We went to the Natural History Museum and I did steal a Tyrannosaurus Rex bone.

I'll admit that.

I took it in.

So that was your only hit you want us to believe.

Hey, guys, I'm going to hit all the famous museums and take a little something for myself.

I bet you still have a little fucking locket with your Van Gogh paint in it.

I think I'm getting very much Big J vibes.

Write it down, you fool.

I think it's you, so I don't care.

You're from the middle of the day.

You said you never visited New York until you were an adult.

Same defense, yeah.

Where are you from?

North Carolina.

Cack-a-lack.

It's behind enemies.

We really should have picked a different subject when Kraken Miko's been to New York exactly twice.

This being one of them.

This This is like I'm aware of everything he's done all day, every time he's been here.

I showed up at Gas Digital.

He's like, yo, so one time I wrote a rhyme on a corner.

Now, again, this could be Nick.

This could be Nick.

It's just simple order.

They wouldn't go my story, my story.

No, they won't.

It's all randomized.

Really?

It's genuinely randomized.

And we've had it.

And by the way, it's been a while since we've had two in a row.

Is it Nick?

The gambler inside my head was

shit.

The degenerate piece of shit can be a little bit more.

It's all genuinely, it's all, it technically can be three in a row, which I think we had happened one time in the history of the show.

It was three in a row.

It was Bobby Kelly.

It made me furious.

Yeah, that would make me.

Are you guys hooked up?

Would you?

Would you?

Would you?

Maybe.

There we go.

Maybe.

Maybe.

This guy's smooth as shit.

I don't know.

This guy's guy's on both sides of the ball.

My guy.

He's like, I'm gay.

Let me just feel.

Come on.

Maybe it was me.

I'm a gay doctor here.

Big J, did you visit MoMA when you were a kid?

I did not.

Did you take,

you grew up in Rhode Island?

Yeah.

Did they do trips to you, I guess?

They did, and I didn't.

They did.

My dad did not let me do that.

I believe that.

Yeah.

Fair.

Son of a bitch, I'm putting Lewis down for the third turn.

You're a fool.

That's why I think it's Jay.

You're the fool.

No, you're the fool.

I think it's Jay because he's voting for me.

And this would make no sense as me.

What?

Crack is that?

Because I would steal fucking paint off of a Van Gogh.

I don't think it's called stealing.

I'm going to do this in the middle.

Destroying.

Destroy Reekin, I believe.

Destroying a Van Gogh is the most psychotic fucking thing in the world.

You didn't know that.

You weren't raised with any class to know what Van Gogh was.

Crack is remarkably well-spoken.

that's as a child I visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art

a piece of paint off of a Vincent van Gogh painting

I'm going Big J Okerson this is where he got the idea to paint his nails that's crack fuck it's well spoken it says crack

I just think it's something you would do you were a bad little bad fucking kid I was a bad kid I was a shit kid

but it wasn't like that type of stuff it was like I wanted attention I had ADHD that's not a bad kid thing to do yeah yeah and then I would think your mom wouldn't take you to a museum, but then I remember you went to WrestleMania.

That is true.

No, but she wouldn't take a museum.

This was definitely a school trip.

You're still in school.

That's what I was picturing.

Yeah, and I think you threw everybody off.

Maybe.

I'm going Nick.

Never been to New York.

No.

Likely story, Rosha Fort.

Everybody's locked in.

Everyone's stories are locked in.

That story belongs to Louis J.

Gohan.

Damn it.

Fuck yes.

Let me tell you how hard I'm trying to play this game.

I kept on calling it MoMA, knowing that that's not MoMA.

I was hoping that somebody would lock into that and be like, oh, he's saying the wrong.

It's not even MoMA.

Yeah, it was a school trip.

Is that not MoMA?

That's not MoMA.

And it was a school trip.

It's the Museum of Modern Art is MoMA.

And it was a school trip.

And yeah, we went and there was like a Van.

I don't know exactly which Van Gogh painting it was, but everyone was like, ooh, that's a Van Gogh.

And I went over and I just went, like, it was a booger.

I went,

and then I put it in my pocket.

I literally tried to steal a piece of the Van Gogh to keep with me.

And then literally, I just forgot about it within minutes.

So it was like, oh, it didn't really matter.

Just got washed in it.

I just got washed in my jeans.

And that was that.

Your mom washed one cycle of all your clothes with Van Gogh painting.

Yeah.

And that was that.

But nobody saw me.

Nobody knew that I did it.

But it was like, it was kind of like fucking exhilarating to destroy a piece of that.

That is probably psychotic.

That might have to be looked at by a doctor.

Yeah, yeah.

Damn it, Jay.

Oh, I feel good.

Jay, just keep on voting me.

Maybe you'll get more points.

Well, I got two right now.

Alex, why don't you tell me what's up?

All right, on the scoreboard, in last place with two points,

Big Jay Ogerson.

Thank you, Roots.

We brought the Roots over with us.

In third place with three points, Nick Rochefort.

Tied for second place with four points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Kevin Ryan.

And in the lead with six points, Krakomico.

I know you guys better than you know yourselves.

Possible.

I listen to all these podcasts.

They said I was a loser for listening to all you guys' podcasts.

Who's the loser now, pop?

You're not a loser.

There's a very good chance you can go home and throw in your pop's face a copy, a brand new copy of The Greyhouse by Sharna Martsoff.

You see, Emma's family is desperate for a new start.

The Greyhouse becomes more than just a home.

It transforms into a sentient force, both protective and menacing.

In this atmospheric tale, each room whispers a piece of the story, drawing them into a confrontation with forces far older and more personal than they ever imagined.

The line between reality and the supernatural begins to blur, challenging the family's sanity and their understanding of what truly haunts them.

The Greyhouse,

Shauna Martoff,

Alex.

Story number four.

Story number four.

I once bought two girls a round of drinks to impress them.

It came to $86.

I only had $90 in my account.

I told them I'd be right back and just left.

That's me.

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

This is this is.

I want to say this is crack amigo.

It sounds like lyrics.

I wish I had $90 in my bill.

This is a Lewis move, too, possibly.

That is true.

It's not a Jay move.

I don't feel like Jay would just leave on that bill.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe I would.

But I didn't.

I can't picture Jay hanging out at a place that had $40 drinks.

Oh, yeah, good point.

All right.

Ooh, that's making me think Nick Rosha for it.

Maybe they were fat.

Maybe there's food, too.

You know what I mean?

It's possible.

There's a lot of mozzarella sticks.

If I bought two girls a drink, one of them was fat as a safety.

You know what I mean?

Even if I was working on the not-fat one, I was like, well, the fat one will probably like it.

You're shorting your investment.

This photographer looks like a spy.

What do you look for my ex-wife?

Get out of here, you scumbag.

I paid her the money.

I gave her the goddamn money.

You see the way he hid behind the pole?

She's like,

what do you want?

I showed my finances.

That's a real fear Jay has.

That came out way

quick.

Fear.

Fear means it's not real, Kev.

I mean, Krack did say earlier that he's very faithful to his chick, so why is he buying two girls a drink?

Was he been with her since he was 12?

Yeah.

But he's only been to New York City since he's been with his girl.

Fuck.

And I believe that.

In North Carolina, drinks are a fucking dollar.

That's true.

Yeah, that's a mortgage in North Carolina.

How long have you been with your chick?

Me?

Yeah.

10, something like that.

Something like that.

It's Lewis or Nick.

I mean,

I'm stupid, but to have $90 in my account and go to a place, that place is charging a cover.

I'm not a cover kind of guy.

Is that...

That's got to be crack again.

Yeah.

$86 for one round of drinks.

You'd have to be hanging out in a very expensive place.

That's crazy.

We're also to impress them.

Doesn't necessarily mean you're not going to be able to do it.

Was this in Santorini?

Where was this?

Yeah.

I'm going with Lewis again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fourth time.

Four stories.

Feels like a lot of times.

Fourth time.

I admit, like, I do hang out at very classy places.

I'm very rich.

You're right.

Well.

Are you currently in a relationship?

I'm in a situationship.

Still be trying to impress bitches, though.

Oh, that's right.

This could be very, very recent.

This could be very recent.

It's not me.

But I only had $90 in my bank account.

It's not that recent.

That's a good point, too.

I don't know.

Maybe you play it fast and loose.

Yeah.

It really depends on what time of the month this was.

I gotta be honest with you guys.

This is a toughie.

Yeah.

I'm leaning Lewis or Nick.

Nick was like hotels and, you know, fan, like, who's like, to me, that's not people who live in New York.

Are I going to a place?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's also.

That's like someone who's visiting New York is like, oh, well, let's go to this club.

If you're not interested in fucking these girls, too, that would be a reason.

Like, see, the relationship, you're just throwing me off.

Yeah, it's like you're just, you're, you're like, let me, and then you're like, yo, fuck these bitches.

I've been paying $90.

I'm not even fucking them.

I'm out.

I'm going Big J fucking Oakerson.

That's it.

I don't know how you got there.

I thought we were leaning Nick.

No.

Wasn't that all to be like Nick?

It could be Nick.

That's making me think Lewis.

No, that was weird.

You were already thinking.

No one saw that coming.

I did.

That's why it's big.

It's crack.

Nick keeps on voting for crack, and it's never cracked.

I'm like that fucking idiot at a carnival game that just keeps playing the same number.

I'm like everybody's slutty aunt that plays keynote numbers like one, two, three, four, and five.

I think I'm going Nick, but I've guessed Nick four times in a row since it's been him.

I think Louis.

This is not anybody that lives in New York to me.

That's why it's great.

Rhode Island, Nick.

Yeah.

Drinks are cheap, and we drink clam juice.

I'm going, Lewis.

I'm going, Big Jay Oakerson.

I think that this could be Big J.

Fuck us.

Big Jay might have cleaned up just now.

Did he?

No, I think Kevin did.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Nobody voted for Kevin.

Nobody did.

No.

Oh, no.

Alex, make it official, you piece of shit, Kevin.

That story belongs to Kevin Ryan.

Did it!

She's not rooting for Kevin.

We all like me.

She's picked her favorite.

I don't know who it is, but it's not Kevin.

When Kevin got that, only one in the room, she was like, fuck.

Pieces.

Yeah, shit.

Fucking bald pussy.

You pieces.

You know, damn it.

How long ago was this?

What did you think about me?

About 10 years ago.

Right before you got with your mother.

Why are you thinking about me?

You're on a fucking date.

Don't think about me.

I got a wife.

Oh, yeah?

You want a kiss?

Hey, the guy's going to kill him.

Go kiss him.

Kiss him.

I'm in this cool website.

It's called upside downpineapple.com.

It's been a few years.

Maybe you could bring her home for a threesome with your wife.

Babe, I know it's been a while.

Remember 16 years ago you said girls were pretty?

You walk in with her, she's like, really, Nick?

Really?

Here's my answer.

It's the same girl.

It's the same girl from 15 years ago.

It's her.

She's not goth anymore.

She's got a jean jacket on now.

She assimilated.

My wife drags her in by her hair and fucks her brains out.

Yeah.

Now, this is what I'm talking about.

This is exactly what I wanted.

So, this is right before you got with your chick.

Yeah.

I was at a bar with a friend who was in town, and then he disappeared.

I couldn't find him.

So, I was at the bar, and there was these two girls, and we were like talking.

I'm like, God, my buddy had like set us up, like knew that, and then he disappeared.

He's probably doing blow in in the bathroom or something and never came back.

And then, so I was like, oh, I'll get you guys something.

Thinking he was going to come in with his credit card that worked and was like, I'll pay for it.

He didn't show back up.

And

I still don't know what they got.

They ordered, and they were just drinks, but it came out to $86.

And I literally looked at it.

I was like, oh, let me go grab my buddy to see if he wants anything.

And I just fucking bounced.

Done.

It's just out.

Ran across the George Washington Bridge.

I got nothing to live for.

My pussy better called out today.

You're all right, man.

He goes, I got $90 in my account.

Can't even press two chicks.

Lost my buddy.

Buddy left with a good credit card.

Wow.

Okay, Alex.

Where are our points?

What is shake up?

That's crazy.

Kevin just pulled deep ahead.

All right.

On the scoreboard, in last place with two points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

In fourth place with three points, Nick Rochefort.

In third place with four points, Luis J.

Gomez.

In second place with six points, Krakamiko.

And in the lead with eight points, Kevin Ryan.

He is a story warrior for a reason, everyone.

This game's awesome.

I hated it at the beginning.

I now love the game.

Well, this is our halfway point of the show.

Great concept.

The halfway point of the show, which means that we're going to go around and get everybody's plugs real quick.

Nick, what are you plugging, my friend?

Every Tuesday night, this is the one.

This is now plugs.

This is when we're supposed to talk about the things we do, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

All right, every Tuesday night live on YouTube.

You can watch the Scuffed Realtor where we look at real estate listings.

Thank you.

Yeah.

We look at 50 real estate listings, and then in a couple of weeks, we're going to be launching the second season of our show.

A couple of weeks is going to be pretty wild.

This is Extreme Peace Season 2.

So you get well.

Crackamiko.

Yeah, check out my music.

Youtube.com/slash crackamico.

I got a Patreon.

I also got a podcast that I do every Wednesday with Dalton Bruitt and Robbie Goodwin called The Crowder Boys.

Yeah, but

check out my music.

Appreciate y'all.

Kevin Ryan.

Check out the AYG Back on the Block Tour.

We're going to San Fran, Portland, Seattle, Burlington, Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, Rochester, and Toronto.

Go get them tickets.

I love yous.

Love yous.

Big Jay Okerson.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates coming up.

I have Governor's Long Island, San Diego, Cincinnati, all over the place.

Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

That's good.

I'm all over the place.

So look for me in a city near you.

Check out second hit both parts of my special, them, they, double crowd work special.

Are both out right now.

Part two released two weeks weeks ago go check it out let's get them numbers rolling and of course uh bonfire faction talk series xm 103 with me and the great robert kelly five days a week and of course the flagship show of gas digital legion of skanks the legendary legion of skanks

my tour the bring five friends tour coming to a city near you please bring five friends

Fort Myers, Florida next weekend, San Antonio, Texas, Fort Worth, Texas, Dallas, Texas.

Then I'm going to to Europe with Scott Chaplin.

I'll be in Amsterdam at the end of this all at the end of May.

Amsterdam, Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester, and London.

Got Boston coming up in June.

Levittown, New York coming up.

And then my special.

I'm filming in Tampa, Florida, July 12th, the weekend.

I got a bunch of shows, but I'm filming on July 12th.

So get those tickets at Lewisofskanks.com.

Check out all my other podcasts, The Rags, Legion of Skanks.

I do a solo podcast just for subscribers to my mailing list.

So go to my mailing list, subscribe.

And if you love this show, we do an uncensored, ad-free version of the show that is pre-released just for subscribers to the Gas Digital Network.

It comes out every Monday night before it goes to YouTube and everywhere else on Thursdays.

So you get a pre-release, uncensored, ad-free.

And then there's maybe 20 episodes that are no longer available on YouTube or other platforms.

They are exclusive for Gast Digital subscribers.

So if you're just hearing about the show now and you guys want to go catch up on all of the episodes we've done, go subscribe to Gas Digital.

Use the promo codes WARS with a Z, and you'll save a couple bucks a month and you support the show the best way possible.

We have four more stories to get through.

Jay, you're bummed.

I can tell you're bummed.

Of course, I'm bummed.

But you don't need to be bummed.

You know that.

I know I don't need to be bummed, but it's still hard not to be.

But I do know that there is,

I'm not even sort of out of this game because what we do here at Story Wars for the final four stories is we go double points.

Now I have a question as a reigning story warrior.

Yeah.

I've heard there was a big, there was a bit of a backlash.

Don't worry, things are back to normal.

Things are back to normal.

It's unregulated.

There's no governor on this.

No, no, no, yeah.

Okay.

You can

trigger.

I was just checking.

I don't want to do nothing.

You just want to do it.

I was just seeing what you're doing.

Well, maybe

you can explain to people that before, before, if you fooled somebody, I don't want to explain anything to anybody.

You got one point, and if you guessed somebody correctly, you got two points, but now that's

probably times two.

Would that be my correct and my own view?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, just check.

Okay,

Alex, please.

Story number five.

Story number five.

One time in New York City, my driver dropped me off at my destination, and before the door shut, without thinking, I said, Love you.

About an hour ago.

I've been telling you guys all night I only love one person.

I would never make this mistake.

I mean, this is almost like wiggers don't think.

They just love.

That's the truth.

I gave Krakomico a ride one time, and I think before he shut the door, he told me he loved me.

I think.

But he does love you.

Yeah.

He doesn't love a random Uber driver.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He didn't think of it.

wait do you think i was his driver do you think that's how he describes me

wiggers don't think

wiggers just go yeah shit

forward eyes forward yeah when you're constantly thinking of rhymes the words just kind of flow sometimes but jay's not jay's not a uber man he's a city driver for a long time you drive and also i'm uber player i'm violently disrespectful to uber drivers i know that's what makes if an uber driver looks at me wrong i'll report him i'll fucking get him fired for you.

I'm not even kidding.

But Lewis is also very distracted.

That's what he's doing.

So he might be like whatever he's saying.

He's running late to his own show, whatever it happens.

I do have extreme ADHD.

It's actually an affliction.

Thank you very much for pointing it out to everybody.

Wow.

What a lady.

Who says that?

Affliction.

This could very much be Lewis.

This could be me.

And I might mean it.

I'm a guy calling back.

I love you, man.

I'm a very emotional guy.

No, you're not an Uber guy.

When was the last time you took an Uber in New York City?

The day before I moved?

Oh, you know what's funny?

It doesn't even say Uber.

It just says my driver dropped me off of my destination.

Oh, it was probably my limo driver then.

Oh, this could have been.

I got a Hummer off-run.

Wow, you have a Hummer Limo off-run?

I mean, my instincts does say Krakamika.

I want to guess Kevin just to shut him down in case it is him.

Don't go misallocating your points like that.

If they gave Kevin two in a row and then right afterwards, it was on the second round where he can get double points, I swear to God, I would...

I would be furious.

Alex, whose side are you on anyway?

It's random generated.

It is random generated.

The story is so fucking wholesome.

I know.

I thought this was the Skanks.

Which makes me think it's Krakamiko.

I'm not a big Uber like that either, though.

Lewis knows I drive almost every time I come to New York.

Oh, that is also true.

Why would he take a driver in New York City?

That's a great point.

He parks a car, gets out of the hotel, takes an Uber.

He doesn't stay at a hotel.

Oh, there.

He lives on comedians' couches.

Yeah, it's true.

Okay.

Damn.

Well, fuck me then.

Oh, by the way, since

my driver dropped me off, he could be describing you as his driver.

It's not an Uber driver.

It's just his driver.

It's very possible this is me that he's talking about

outside.

I love Jay.

I would never refer to him as a lowly driver.

It's insane.

No, I mean, look, if you're being technical, it is just your driver.

I did not put it.

But also, who says to my who says my destination?

Yeah.

Think about how many people.

Somebody who would say, My affliction.

That's what I would say.

A lot of words rhyme with destination.

This is Wiggerton.

Manifestation.

Masturbation.

We got a couple of bars here, boys.

Condensation.

Hater nation.

Making a mistake.

Mistakenation.

Okay, I see what you're saying.

Okay, crack.

I see what you're saying now.

I'm going Nick again.

What are you doing?

Cracking.

I can also see this being Nick as well.

Nick, how many stories has Nick had in so far?

Just one?

Just one delightful story.

And I guess I don't answer questions for cops.

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I'm trying to figure out, do you pre-sort them before the show or during the show?

Because I feel like they could get real mad that I said that they don't do three stories in a row.

So, like,

I'm a degenerate gambler.

I'm just trying to

get behind the slot machine right now.

I mean, I can see this.

Also, Nick does.

This is Lewis.

An extremely lovable guy, like a very sweet guy.

And I can see you just being close at the moment with somebody.

I fucking knocked an old lady's teeth out right before I walked in here.

I stole her purse.

And I love the money money I stole right out of her purse.

All right, I'm going Nick Rosher for it.

Just because Krack, I don't think, takes cars when he's here.

I don't know if Krack has a phone, if we're being honest.

They got Uber on Metro PCS.

Firefly.

My mid-mobile promo code barbara.

That's Jay.

That's a Jay story.

Is that a J story?

Jesus.

I thought it was Jay, too.

If it's not Krack, and I have been.

Oh, if it's Jay, I'm going to be so pissed.

We're locked in.

Alex, please.

Alex, what you want.

That story belongs to Krack Amiko.

Damn it.

In that favorite point,

I didn't say it into the mic.

It doesn't count.

It technically did.

Crack, was your driver Jay?

He was.

Yeah.

Wow.

And I would have bet.

Wow.

I would have bet a million dollars that he did not remember that, but he did.

Me and Christine thought I was adorable.

He was such a sweet guy.

He just said he loved us before we closed the door.

Only three people ever said I love you to Jay.

You're the only one who may have ever meant it.

Fuck.

That is crazy.

They knew it together.

That's fucking wild.

It was Jay the whole time.

Fuck.

He called you his driver.

In fairness, he was in the back seat.

I was driving him.

That was the role he was facing.

Is the temperature okay for you, Mr.

Amigo?

And he went, I said no conversation, please.

Here, do you drive a lot?

Take my card.

Take my card, personal.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

That's fucking crazy.

Crack just pulled ahead.

I mean, this has been a fucking wild night for the competitors tonight.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, you guys.

In last place with three points.

It's unbelievable.

Nick Rochafort.

Bullshit.

It's all right.

In fourth place with four points.

Louis J.

Gomez.

Fuck.

Fuck me right in my little butt.

Gay guy.

Fuck me right in my little butt tonight.

Oh, that she liked that one.

Kiss me.

Go on, do it.

And kiss me, his girlfriend.

As she sucks down her fourth colonopin.

In third place with six points, Big Jay Hungerson.

In second place with eight points, Kevin Ryan.

And in the lead with 12 points, Crack Amiko.

I want to get the DP.

Not like that.

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All right, where were we?

Alex,

story number six.

Story number six:

I once cried in a subway car while a smelly homeless guy played guitar and sang, and I love her by the Beatles.

Dare I say I'm going to type Lewis again.

Dare you say you're not typing, you jackass.

Yeah.

Writing.

Jay does get very emotional with music.

I don't ride subways.

Yeah.

This is someone who lives in New York.

That has lived in New York.

No, but you used to ride subways.

I was out there riding subways

five times in my life.

I don't think I cried on any of them.

This is the only mode of transfer.

You're crying on the subway.

It's like your only mode of transfer.

You're down and out.

You live in here.

You're not visiting New York and crying.

I've never cried on a subway.

That's the point.

I never cried.

Wait.

Well, I remember one time my subway got stuck, like in between stops, for I want to say like 45 minutes.

A frustration cry.

It wasn't like it was like a punching the windows and screaming with tears streaming down my face.

But I wouldn't call that crying.

That was more like rage.

I don't.

Rage crying?

Does the Hulk really cry or is he just angry all the time?

I don't even know.

He's trying so hard to not Hulk out that he's...

That's my secret.

I'm always crying.

He's always crying.

He's always sad.

And Lewis doesn't know the Beatles either.

Lewis knows like new metal bands only.

Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling.

There's no smelly homeless guy playing that, though.

I've cried on the subway multiple times.

That's a thing.

That's a product of living here and just being.

How many stories has Kevin had?

Two already?

One.

I think he had two.

The Bridge.

Oh.

I've had The Bridge and The $86 and the Smelly Subway Guy.

What?

Yeah, son of a bitch.

He did tell us one time, but so far, every time he's just gone, this is my story.

Yeah.

I said I'd never lie.

Right.

Like Abe Lincoln or the other one.

Pinocchio.

You're thinking of Pinocchio.

That's what I was thinking of.

Abe Lincoln?

Wait, I mean Pinocchio.

Who did it with the baby?

That rat pastor who lies all the time with the short shorts.

Yeah, that's me.

God damn it.

I have no idea who the story belongs to.

Mrs.

Lewis.

Mrs.

Lewis.

I couldn't even tell you what the song, and I Love Her, sounds like.

I have no idea what that song is.

That's what you would say.

That's what I, what I really are.

You were calling the museum a lot of.

You were calling the whatever, the whatever.

I've never been there.

How does the song even go?

And I love her.

When does that song go?

I don't know.

The Beatles are gay.

He knows.

I know that that part goes, and I love her.

I don't have the choruses for you, though.

Oh, really?

What Beatles songs?

I know.

That's a puddle of mud, Lewis.

What a poem.

Nice try, buddy.

What a poem.

Yeah,

and the way you smack my ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This reminds me of Minona.

Oh, fuck me.

Fuck.

Lewis, you're going to get me some points here.

I don't think Big Jay's had a story yet.

He hasn't.

I have not.

I'm going Big Jay Okerson.

I think the whole been on a subway only a few times.

It doesn't matter one of those times you cried like a baby bitch toad.

I know Jay cried at a train concert when he was thinking about his grandma.

My mom mom just died and they played drops of Jupiter.

And her favorite planet was Jupiter.

The song's about his mother dying.

It's a big planet.

Big Jay Okerson's sensitive.

Music touches his soul.

He paints his nails.

He's a woman.

It's Big Jay Okerson.

Yeah, that's Jay.

That's got to be Jay.

Have it.

Beatles?

Or it's Roshufort.

Yeah, right, dude.

I don't listen to the fucking Beatles, dude.

If it's Kevin.

I'm listening to Eminem's first album, dude.

What are you talking about?

If If it's Kevin and Kreck, we're fucked up.

I wonder if everybody knows I can't identify a Beatles song.

I had a feeling, I wasn't really putting you in my way out who it is.

But what if it's Kevin?

It's not me.

It could be Kevin.

It's not.

Oh, it's his story and he says he's crying.

Kevin has three stories on this one.

He's already so far ahead, I'll be so angry.

I'm losing, right?

He's going to be the new host of this fucking show.

You're going to win this thing.

He's Kevin.

On AYG Digital.

Check it out.

It's only $4.99 to sign up.

He's got the hummer limo preemptively.

Big things happening around here, boys.

Big Jay's driving me home.

Yeah.

Lewis doesn't know the names of songs.

That's true.

Fuck.

I want to say it's Nick or J.

Do you say

no?

Double points.

Got out of that one.

The whole empire almost came crashing down.

We're going to need that.

I'm going to need the final wave file of this.

Dude, he's going to be pissed.

I get a couple of these spritzers in me, you know?

Who are you leaning towards, man?

I want to say Nick.

I want to say Jay or Nick.

you guys all trippy it's just being around you it's kevin or jay it's not me i promise if you're gonna guess nick just guess nick don't period

or jay

he went lewis this could be any of you homos

you're so close to winning bee don't fuck this up now dog the whole streets are on your back right now crack you get one guess one opportunity

Mom's spaghetti.

Yeah, yeah.

Gang, gang, gank, gang.

Clarence's parents had a real good marriage.

Oh, shit.

I'm going Jay.

I don't want to, but I'm doing it.

Fuck, man.

Worried.

I'm going Nick just in case.

There you go.

Head your best.

There you go, making mistakes again.

Fuck it.

Everybody's locked in?

Locked in.

Alexandra.

Jay doesn't look happy.

That's because that story belongs to Big Jay over here.

Yes.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Damn it.

Back.

You cried to another song, you pussy.

Training the Beatles?

No, this was it was a night.

I got caught cheating terribly

with my ex real bad.

And it was just a day of, and we had a car, but we were in the house.

I got kicked in the balls and screamed at, and it was just a nightmarish day of having to be there for all of it.

And then I had to go do comedy shows in the city that night for work.

And I was like, I'll take the train, I guess.

And I got on the train, and it was just, my life was like crumbling around me, I felt like.

And this guy was just going through, I mean, this fucking wook.

I mean, just a gross.

And he was like, I give her all my love.

And I was just like,

I just gave him like 10 bucks.

I just sat there.

Amen, brother.

Amen.

You're not the gods of you.

Dude, you're really tail.

You shouldn't be down here.

And he was like, thanks.

What are the scores?

All right, on the scoreboard in last place with seven points, Nick Rochefort.

Geez, I thought that would have brought me to the lead.

Tied for second place with eight points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Big Jay Okerson.

Don't, he's going to cheat on you.

No.

We're still in the honeymoon, Bride Page.

And tied for the lead with 12 points each, Kevin Ryan and Krakamiko.

Let's go.

Is this the last round?

I think we have two more rounds.

It's anybody's game still.

Sure.

Is this a tight race?

It's tight, right?

It really is.

It's actually closer than you think.

Yeah.

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Wow.

Straight out the box, these things are comfier than my couch.

Most boots I've worn, weeks of break-in torture, like walking on bricks.

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That's how I describe my best friend Jay.

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please support the show and tell them that story wars sent you and remember that's wars with a z

because we're cool because we're super cool uh alex story number seven

stop it

story number seven

i joined a bunch of jews in a mobile mitzvah tank in new york city

i put on the tefillin wrap and prayed with them as a joke

well jay's jewish Yeah.

That still would be funny if I did that.

That's actually.

There's no way they thought Lewis was Jewish.

I think to fill.

Like, hey, what's going on, homes?

Keep on joining mine.

I love your car.

What?

I'm praying with you, but it is a joke.

I.

I also.

This sounds like it's up Nick's alley.

Yeah.

Well, I was going to to tell you guys about this cool new gang I just joined.

I've got a newsletter that I can hand out of the door.

Let me know.

I mean, this could be easily be Nick.

But honestly, Big Jay, I can see Jay doing this as a joke.

You're only half Jewish.

But do you, though?

Is this really beginning to my personality?

First of all, I have no idea.

Now, I could think contextually what to fill in rap is, but I've never heard that word before.

And I am Jewish.

That feels like something you got pulled in.

This doesn't seem like something I would do.

For as a joke, what am I doing it for?

Because it looked cool with your gloves.

Possibly.

I can't argue.

I'm a fat ass.

Let me tell you something.

If I went full Jew, I'd do it big.

Oh, I'd have the coolest thing.

It's a chain wallet curly cues?

I'd have

my curly cues with clutch in the back.

I think this is screaming Nick Rochefort to Nick Rochevort.

No, no, I wish.

I wish I had the balls to do some things like this.

It would be cool.

I've written letters to France thousands of times.

I've gave them plenty of warnings.

I mean, there's nobody else on this panel that I could see doing this.

I wish I would did this, Lewis.

I really do wish I did this.

I grew my mustache out.

I can't.

I'm going.

Hail Mary on this one, actually.

Crack?

I'm going crack.

That's Lewis.

Well, crack is.

You think you don't know what Tefillin is, but I do?

No, fuck you.

You think you don't know what Tefillin is, but I do?

That's a funny haircut you got there.

Sure, I'll dance with you.

It's either Nick or Lewis.

Stop.

It's either Lewis.

I'm not damned, but crack might really know what Tefillin is.

He also said Tefillin.

I said Tefillin.

See, Jay's having an existential crisis right now.

I want to win so bad.

Finkel and Einhorn, Einhorn, and Finkel.

It could be crack, because

these mitzvah tanks hang out at like, you know,

they're at like the places that New Yorkers don't go to.

Where you would white rap?

They go to the place where you would white rap at?

Times Square?

Times Square.

Handing out your CDs.

They are places which they should not be.

I mean,

this has to be Nick.

Yeah.

It's Nick's sense of humor.

Can I do a Bud Light, too?

Nice try, Lewis.

No, Lewis,

you were Jewish, right?

He was born Jewish, but he liked it.

Don't lie.

I don't celebrate, but you know, I'm a.

But that would be.

Yeah, he's one of the hidden ones.

That would be a Lewis.

Lewis all rudd.

Lewis did sell tickets in Times Square for a very long time.

Ooh, bang.

That's the

one.

It's so obviously Nick, but please.

Yeah.

It's so obviously Lewis, but.

Yeah, Lewis, but wouldn't it be funny if I went to you and the other barkers?

Yeah.

We weren't barkers.

We sold tickets.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

We have respect for this.

Lewis, whatever you do, you're barking.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's Nick Nick or Lewis.

Lewis or Nick, we've learned this mistake.

Nick or Lewis.

Nobody noticed when I did it.

You get the pass.

It's Krakamiko.

You're making a mistake, Jesus.

Mark my words.

The mistake is already made.

You're locked in.

I'm locked in my neck.

Here you go with Kev.

What do you got, Lewis?

I want to go

Lewis.

I don't know.

What are you going?

Why am I acting first?

What the fuck is this?

I'll be blown away if Lewis knows what Tefillin or Tefillin rap is.

He could have Googled

what three of these words are.

Mitzvah.

Great point.

Mitzvah, Tefillin.

Joke.

It means like when you.

Oh, that deserves better.

That was great.

That deserve way better.

That was great.

Thank you.

Fuck.

He's trying to pay for this Hummer tonight.

I got to go, Nick.

That's throwing.

If it's Lewis.

Lewis.

Oh, look at Lewis's face.

God damn it.

Lewis.

God damn it.

God damn it.

That story belongs to Lewis J.

Club.

I knew it!

It was exactly when I was selling comedy glove tickets.

I fucking knew it.

I was in Union Square.

There you were.

And it's the mitzvah tanks.

It's just essentially a van with a bunch of Jews inside of it.

And I was like, hey guys, I'm going to go fucking in the mitzvah tank and see what they do.

And then

they were like, well, you know, they're out there like Jews.

Jewish Jews.

And I was like, I was like, hey, I'm Jewish.

And they all looked at me like, what?

I was like, no, no, I am.

From the old country.

I was like, I said, I swear to God, I'm Jewish.

And then they're...

But you were swearing the Christian God.

They had to accept me into their mitzvah tank, and they brought me into this little hot van, and they wrapped a leather strap around my arm.

I thought we were doing like a Mexican knife fight, but they fucking said a prayer.

Is this the beat-it video?

Yeah, yeah.

And they were like, you got to put on to fill in.

I was like, oh, yeah, I know what that is.

And then, yeah, they prayed with me, and it took way too long.

And after like five minutes, I was like, this sucks.

Can I please leave?

And that was that.

You asked if I could please leave.

Yep.

I was like, I hate this.

Did you tell them you weren't Jewish?

Nope.

Never told them.

Oh.

Well, that was a fucking shake-up on score.

I'm so named.

I knew it.

Goddamn right.

Anybody's game, Alex.

Where are we at with points?

Lewis has to be winning.

On the scoreboard in last place with eight points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Sorry, brother.

Love you.

I was tied for second a second ago.

I had to leave you behind.

In third place with 11 points, Nick Rochefort.

Yeah, out of the doghouse.

Tied for second place with 12 points each.

Kevin Ryan and Krakamiko

mad

with 14 points.

Louis J.

Gomez.

He was using the juice to get ahead.

Very clever.

I'm not out of this game.

Maybe you're not.

Yeah, if we all quit, maybe you'll win.

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It all comes down to the gray.

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All comes down

to story

number eight.

Story number eight.

My friends and I were offered a free $100 plus cab ride home if the cab driver could watch one of the girls in our friend group get fingered,

the girl said yes immediately.

My friend fingered her, and so did the driver.

Wow.

Nick.

Jay was the driver again.

This is a double.

This is Nick again.

It was Kakamiko.

This is before we got to his destination.

This was en route to destination.

What happened?

I want to say this is Nick.

They did say cab.

Cab ride home.

Cab's old school.

No one's taking cabs.

This is Jay or Lewis.

No one's taking cab, and they have no one's taking a cab driver.

I mean, I will say, if you know me and Jay, this sounds like the Legion of Skins original story.

I wish I was somewhere a part of the ladder of this story anywhere.

I'd be so stoked on this situation.

Well, the cab driver fingering the girl would bum me out.

No, it wouldn't.

Why would you?

Wait a minute.

But it's not, it's his friend's girl.

One of the girls in the group.

It's just some girl.

Fingered.

The girl said yes immediately.

She wasn't dating anybody in the group.

She was just a girl.

How do you know were you there?

It says my friends and I were offered a free cab ride if one of the girls in our friend group got a girl.

I gotta be honest, it sounds like a chick wrote this story.

Sure, yes.

So, Lewis?

What guy's just hanging out with a bunch of girls who are getting finger blasted?

Well, that's what I'm saying.

Lewis rolled with a friend group that had a bunch of girls.

Were you, Nick, were you like a club guy?

Did you go to clubs and shit?

Oh, yeah.

In New York City.

No.

But you hung out with a group of people, had some chicks, some dudes.

DJ Poly Deez from Rhode Island.

Nice.

I'm sure he was in the cab.

Yeah.

So that's the friend that fingered the girl, clearly.

And Vinny Guadagoopa Goops fucking.

I wish.

Got the lefto spillover.

I think this is a good thing.

How much is a cab ride in Philadelphia?

From.

You have cabs in Philadelphia?

You think they're taking a cab to Philly?

No, this is like going

to Queens or Brooklyn.

$100 plus.

$100 from where to with $100 cab ride is like fucking

that would have.

That's far.

$100 yellow cab ride.

I feel like Kevin's too nice of a guy to be involved with that type of hijinks.

That's crazy.

Oh, cab ride.

This is Jay's bad accent.

It's definitely Jay.

What?

Cab?

Well, no.

I thought they said American.

I didn't think it was Jay at all until that little show right there.

You can save me if you want.

Save me if you want, but I'm telling you, this is the problem.

He said home.

I was writing Nick.

Nick's not $100 cab ride isn't home.

Home.

Yeah, you're right.

It's not going to be Nick.

You're right.

That's why I made the noise.

Could have been going back to that hotel.

Watch one of the girls.

I don't know how to say that.

I don't think this is a Kevin thing, and I think if it was Lewis, he's not watching anybody get fingered without doing something.

He's doing something.

I'm not going to be a fucking sideline guy

no way no but

i swear in my son's life i would finger a girl in a cab i know you would i know you have done it before you lewis you fingered a girl i've gotten blowjobs in cabs i banged oh i banged the winner of america's next top model in the back of a cab i won't say which one i'm gonna yeah rupaul

that was the gay year right

i'm gonna go out on a limb here i'm gonna say everybody in this room has fingered a girl before in a cab it's a weird thing to think think about, but it's probably true.

Maybe not.

Yeah.

Yay.

Ah, yes.

Yeah, to see what you were missing.

Why are you not

smiling?

His fag hat girlfriend was like, yes, he has.

He's totaled her out on the way here.

A cab ride home.

Jay was involved in crazy hijinks like this.

This is a very big Jay-type story.

You live deep in Queensland.

$100 $100 cab riding.

I just know

like a girl in a friend group.

Yeah, but

it's funny, the only person I'm thinking of is a girl who would do this.

But it's not me.

Is it the girl?

You leave my wife out of this.

Is it the girl that I...

Hold on.

Is it a girl that I banged in the back of your car while you fingered her?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But.

You leave my wife out of this.

Again, that's also.

That was 15 years ago.

Yeah, that was before.

That was hours ago.

Really?

Well, that's got to be Jay.

Okay.

Big Jay Fingerson.

Well,

then it's...

That is my vote, and I'm sticking with it.

Well, Lewis is locked in.

I feel, I could be wrong.

I feel like you recently told this stories on the Chronicle of Jason.

No.

No?

No.

I feel like.

I mean.

I don't know.

I could be wrong.

Listen, maybe it's me, but I would tell you on my life.

It's not.

I did not tell the story.

I didn't tell the story.

You didn't tell the story.

Maybe it's me, but this is not a story I told on your show.

No.

No, I can't believe you.

I know.

Why would you?

I'm boring your straight back.

For sure, but I definitely didn't tell this on you.

Maybe it's me.

I could leave that there.

I'm going with Nick, and I'm saying cab ride home means hotel or something.

That's how I'm playing it.

It's so, Jay.

It's crazy.

Wait, I feel bad.

You're going to look like a goddamn fool.

Big Jay Fingers.

That's not my name.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to do some math.

If me and Lewis vote for Big J, does he win regardless?

If it's Big J?

Yeah.

I'm ahead.

If it's Big J.

Yeah.

He's locked in.

Yeah.

If you get the right answer, I don't really know the scores, but I believe you're two points behind me.

If you get the right answer and I get the wrong answer, I believe you win.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So if you're just trying to vote the same as you,

it would be possible.

I did not pay you to figure that out, but you're right.

I was for sure like he's going to vote Big J.

I'm going to vote Lewis.

And by chance, if it's, I win,

I'm going Lewis.

If you go Lewis, we tie, and it's Lewis, we tie, just a heads up.

And then what happens?

We fight outside or something?

I don't have a tiebreaker.

Do we battle wrap?

We have to use a.

Do we battle wrap?

It's a Teflon wrap knife fight

in the Humberlino.

So to give yourself

to go for the, it's either we guess the same and we tie, or you go for a win.

I'm letting you know it's not me.

I don't think it's Lewis.

You would have heard this story, Crack.

Lewis, look at me.

Is this you, man?

Not me.

That's what he would say, dude.

I'm just,

you know.

It's not me.

Fuck.

It'd be crazy if it's Kevin.

Oh, if it's Kevin, that's bonkers.

What?

No, it's not bonkers.

I'll say, because Kevin.

Why do you guys think I get no pussy?

What the fuck?

No, it's not that.

You're just like, ah, you're like a degenerate dirtbag with a drinking problem who's got a small dick and his parents don't call him.

Stop.

Listen, this could be a good guy's move.

You were offered a free cab ride if the driver could watch finger one of the girls.

I fingered a girl before.

I know, yeah.

But you said.

But the girl, you said.

Show me how you do it.

The girl said yes.

The girl said yes immediately, and then your friend did it.

So So the driver, so the person wasn't really involved in like the filth.

You were just there while it was offered.

It's me.

All right.

It could be you.

It's totally me.

It could be Kevin for that reason.

He was just a victim of circumstance.

I told you I wasn't going to lie on this.

It's me.

Yeah, but hanging out with...

That's right.

Kevin was the victim in this story.

Let's get out of here getting my limousine.

My limousine.

Man.

Track and me go.

It's on you.

This is tough.

Trek really wants to win this game.

I really want to.

He does want to win this game.

And I think it's Big J, but it's like, there's nothing I could do.

He's got like defensive coordinator vibes going.

You call that run and Ryan?

I didn't have friends that were girls in my group of daily hangouts since I was back in Jersey.

That was right after high school.

Never in New York.

That person thinks you're bullshitting, Jay.

That's my friend who's a girl.

Does Jay have enough where if he gets it right, he can...

Jay's...

Too many people have voted for me.

Too many people voted for me if it was me.

Yeah, if it it was him, it's over.

Jay can't win.

He's going, Nick.

We got an interesting, we have an interesting finale.

Good strategy.

I respect it.

You went for the W.

Everyone voted for different people, essentially.

It's hard to know it's not Lewis.

Alex, everyone's in.

Our final answer.

That story belongs to

Nick Roche.

Whoa!

Let's go!

I told you, homeboy.

I told you, congratulations on your win, Playboy.

Congratulations on your win.

Yo, wiggers, stay together.

Never forget.

Yo, wiggers always together.

Yo, we're all wiggers.

Yo, we all wiggers here.

Yeah, that's what's up.

That's graffiti.

Yo, that's what's up.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Damn, dude.

Yeah.

Bop, bop, bop, bop.

We're splitting that book, crack.

I have no idea who won right now.

This is crazy.

I feel like I'm at the shelter.

Tell the story real quick.

This is bonkers.

All right, this is a true story.

All right, I went to college in Staten Island.

I went to Wagner College.

I have no idea.

That's crazy.

So I was drinking in the city one time.

It was me, a girl I was dating.

A buddy of mine was visiting me from Providence, and my other, my roommate in college was from Providence with me, and this fucking tramp that was at from our fucking dorms.

And we're driving home, and we were going to get dropped off at the ferry, the Staten Island ferry.

And he's like, I'll give you $100.

I'll give you a free ride home if I can fucking finger the girl right now.

He was Irish.

Yeah, he's an Irish guy.

The Jamaican Timmy.

Timmy O'Malley was his name, I think.

And we literally,

this is a fucking true story.

My buddy won a grimy story contest on a radio station in like 200 fucking four.

And we pulled down an alleyway and this girl was just like, I'll do it.

Like, I'll give you a free ride home.

And she's like, I'll do it.

And she fucking just like scooted, like, kind of like, just like cracked, just leaned on Kevin, fucking pulled her fucking,

she had pants.

So she pulled her fucking pants off, and her shit was totally out.

My girlfriend was sitting here.

I was sitting in the front seat.

And my buddy was just like,

like, right, like right in.

And I was like, holy shit.

And I was the innocent bystander.

I was sitting in the front seat.

And then I just saw the fucking cab driver's hand go like through the glass.

And just like, and I was like, oh, shit.

I was like, nah, chill.

And then like, like,

put your hand to the glass.

I was like, nah, don't.

Ah, fuck it.

I was like, I'm not about to fucking fight an Irish guy.

They're so tough.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

And then we just drove home in silence, like this.

Like, college freshman, like, I was fucking 18.

I was like, just, Jesus Christ, New York's too big of a city for me.

But, but, but he drove you all the way back to school.

It's a shake-up.

Alex,

tell us our final scores.

I have no idea who won right now.

What a fucking crazy ending.

All right.

Tide for last place with 12 points each.

Big Jay Ogerson and Kevin Ryan.

What the fuck?

What a turn of events.

This game sucks.

It's a stupid fucking idea.

End game.

Fuck.

In third place with 14 points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Your winner tonight with 16 points.

Crackamico.

Whoa!

Crack Amiko.

You beat Nick by one point.

Nick had 15 points.

That's crazy.

Holy shit.

That was absolutely amazing.

Congratulations to Krakamiko, our newest fucking story warrior.

You enter the R.

And

Krack,

you won because of

double points.

You flew too close to the sun.

Evan, a big round of applause for everybody on this panel.

Nick Rochefort,

Kevin Ryan,

your newest woman.

Your newest story warrior.

Good great Craig Amigo.

We are your story warriors, Big Jay Oakerson.

And I'm Louis Jay Gomez.

We'll catch you guys next time.

Good night.