040. John Crist, Robert Kelly, & Zac Amico | Chaos

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

Very excited to announce that we have merch available right now at our brand new website, storywarsmerch.com.

So if you guys want to rep the show that you love and you do love it, there's there's so many different things.

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Rep the show that you guys love.

Whether you got double points or double tits, guess what?

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Go to storywarsmerch.com.

That's storywars with a Z merch.com and grab your t-shirts or hoodies today.

We're going to have other stuff coming out.

This is the first limited run.

These are all limited edition designs.

So grab them now before they disappear.

Fill her up.

You're You're listening to the gas digital network.

Janey's Nashville in Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Ogerson and Louis J.

Gomez.

What is up, everybody?

Welcome to night four of Story Wars, the Nashville Comedy Festival.

Make some fucking noise if you're in this room and you're feeling good.

It's the final night.

Very excited to be here, guys.

It's been incredible.

Every single night, it has gotten crazier and crazier and more fun.

I have a feeling tonight is going to be no different because we have an incredible panel.

But first thing first, has anybody clap your hands if you've heard of Story Wars and you know what you're here for?

It's everybody.

That's fantastic.

How many people here are not familiar with Story Wars?

All right.

This bitch.

Okay, well.

He just wandered in here, lady.

How'd that happen?

She'll get involved.

Don't worry.

Everybody loves Story Wars.

We are your Story Warriors, Big Jay Olgerson, the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, Louis, Jay Gomez.

We have a fantastic, fantastic panel of guests tonight, everybody.

Very excited for this one.

Did we save the best for last?

Maybe.

Maybe.

We'll see.

We'll see.

Our first guest contestant coming to the stage right now.

You know him from the You Know What Dude podcast, the Regs podcast.

He's my work husband at the bonfire and his latest special killbox available right now.

How about it for the living legend, the great Robert Kelly?

Bobby Kelly is a story warrior, which is very exciting.

Very few people have won the show, so this is one of the...

You just had to stuff a taco in my face because Lewis won't let me eat on stage.

Oh, it's on your lip now.

Wipe your lip.

We all saw it spit out of your mouth.

Ew!

You can't smoke, you can't eat.

Keep second, don't blink.

Don't you do whatever you want, dude.

Your second competitor and guest is another story warrior, actually.

He's got his brand new show.

Zach Amigo's Morning Morning Azoo started on Gas Digital next week.

Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for another living legend, Zach Amiko.

Yeah.

Hello.

What if we somehow got another, a fatter competitor now?

And our next competitor, in the interest of space.

You know him from his podcast,

Net Positive.

He is the author of the book, Delete That.

Everybody, how about it for Nashville's very own, the great John Christ, everybody?

Let's do it.

And the lightning strikes.

Another hern can't hold.

A sleepless night.

As it hair rolls on

out of control.

Gank, gank, gang, deep in her heart.

The thunder rolls.

Yes.

That is so much cooler than comedy.

Way cooler.

Miss Your Tits.

Hey, when you guys are done pandering,

John's not even at the table.

He's not even at the table.

And I got no money.

Bobby's on my lap.

I got no.

Oh, I'm good.

John's in the audience.

Scooch in, John, you good-looking son of a bitch.

He asked me if I could do the show, and the first question he asked was, how much do you weigh?

I go,

why would you ask that?

Yeah, doing Story Wars is a lot like getting on a private or a biplane.

You know what I mean?

You have to make sure everything is a lot of things taken into consideration.

If this was an airplane and Zach was in the middle of the seat, I would ask for a refund.

Yeah, I have some notes.

Tweeting at Delta.

I was like, what the fuck's going on right now?

If you are here, if you're this lady and you're unfamiliar with Story Wars, you're listening at home for the first time, quick exclamation of the game.

Everybody on this panel, all five of us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis, chaos.

Chaos.

Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to read eight of those stories off one at a time in no particular order.

There can be doubles when you see the story pop up here on the screen.

If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody else.

It's not your story.

And if it isn't your story, it's your job to figure out whose story it is.

Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points.

Every time you fool a person, you get one point.

Once you have your answer written on the dry erase board, you put the dry erase board right here in this little slot.

That means it is your final answer.

You cannot change it.

And I'll tell you right now, this is going to be a lot of fun.

We all know Story Wars is fun.

We all play it for laughs and fun, but that's not it, Jay.

Let everyone know what we're playing for today.

We are always playing for a book from the Story Wars library.

And tonight's book, a brand new copy of Lysistrata by Aristophanes, translated by Doug Parker.

Doug.

Lysistrata is a 2,400-year-old comedy that still hits like a scandal.

In it, the women of Greece, fed up with endless war, decide to withhold sex until the men agree to peace, and it spirals into absurd, riotous chaos.

It's bold, funny, and shockingly relevant.

Is that a thing?

No, what?

Is that a Story Wars thing?

What are you talking about?

The woo-woo-woo?

Yeah, it's a rich.

Oh, I guess it must be.

Yeah, I mean.

I guess it's a thing we do.

People cheering?

If everyone's up to speed, without any further ado, miss your tits.

I can, by the way, I can see Areola on your right tit.

I think you can see Areola.

Am I right?

Am I looking hard?

Am I looking too hard?

Oh, wait.

I've been looking at this lady's tits.

Hold on.

No, her tits are fantastic, but

they're covered.

Over here, I think there's like full tits.

Very good.

They're both gentlemen with this.

Good for you, boys.

I like his tits.

Hey, guys.

Whose ever tits are your tits?

Good tits.

And solid tits.

Is that your wife, sir, with her tits all hanging out like that?

Hell yeah.

That's not very Christian of you, but it's all right.

I thought this was Nate Bargatzi country.

How dare you?

I think everyone's ready for war.

It's got some big slobbers.

For the final time at the Nashville Comedy Festival, are we ready for war?

Then without any further ado,

Alex.

Story number one.

No, wait, I was going to say it.

I'm just pose for this picture.

I think you're pausing for a dramatic effect.

Story number one.

Story number one.

In high school, a cop car pulled up on my friends and I drinking in the woods.

Lewis.

We ran and split up.

I went back and collected all the booze and hid it behind my house and never told the rest of the group.

You piece of shit.

That is a pretty chaotic story, but that's not my.

So you know this this show.

I've only drank a handful of times before I was in the body.

Stop saying that.

Stop saying that.

I swear to God.

Stop saying it.

Bobby stopped drinking at nine years old after an AA meeting.

This isn't Bobby.

Yeah, Bobby vehicular homicided a kid when he was 11, so he had to stop drinking.

It's not true.

That is not true.

It's not me because it said we ran.

Yeah.

There's no running.

And it's not John because his last name is Christ.

And he wouldn't be.

Thank you.

No.

I had to blame it on somebody else.

Bobby, when did you get sober?

13.

What?

I got sober.

No, 15.

Sorry.

I started drinking at 10.

This could be me.

But how old were you 15 in eighth grade?

What?

Did you get into high school?

I was in high school.

Okay, and did you drink in high school?

No, I got sober at 15.

Yeah, but high school starts.

I was in jail.

I was in jail, and then I went into high school.

Why are you saying it like you didn't want to admit that to us?

I'm like, all right, you found me out.

Bobby has the origin story of the penguin.

And Zach has the body.

Together you guys rule the tunnels.

It's a matter of who on this would be,

who's the most drinking in the woods energy up here?

Well,

Woods, I think, is pretty important here.

I grew up in West Philadelphia.

We did have Woods.

I think the kids would drink there, but I wasn't a high school drinking popular kid at all.

Sounds like a cover to me.

Does it could be a lie?

It's hard because I don't know him.

He's very good-looking.

I feel like you drink now?

I do not.

You don't drink.

Have you ever had drinks?

Yeah, I've been sober for five years.

You're sober?

Yeah.

Five years.

Sober for five years.

It's John Christian.

It's John Christ.

It could be John.

It very well could be John.

It's you, right?

Because you can't lie because you're Christian.

It's you, right?

Look at me.

Look at me.

God will hate you.

Look at me.

You're committing a deadly, deadly sin.

Bobby, I like this.

Ask him the question straight up.

If the lights flicker, he's lying.

It's you.

I think, Bobby, that's a good sell, dude.

I think this.

Is it hard for you to stay sober because every time you touch water, it turns to wine?

Nice.

Some people are so heathen in here, they don't even get that reference.

Our audience has no idea what that means.

That's what Jesus did.

Miss your tits.

Can you scooch over a hair, dude?

I mean, just.

Wait, I thought you said Mr.

Tits, and I turned around.

Mr.

Tits, where do you chime in on this?

Before you feel bad about what I've said, I'm Mrs.

Tits.

I mean, I'm definitely, as soon as the story was read, I was leaning toward John.

Really?

I mean, I'll tell you right now, it was definitely not me.

Me and my friends were out drinking in high school.

Worthless.

It's fucking hell.

Lewis is a fucking liar, and I'm not talking people out of him anymore.

He ruined my week.

We all lie on the show, Jay.

You can't be upset.

Yeah, last night in the last story.

I know, but you come in with it a whole earnest, and you say it, and I believe you because you're my friend, and I don't think you'd lie to me.

And then I become your fucking big, hey, guys, it's not Lewis.

And then you take points, and then you win, and then what you do, you laugh at me for losing.

Last night, I mean, I don't want to give any spoilers because I don't know if this one will be out before last night's, but last night's during the last one, I just stole it from Big J.

And right before they read it, I leaned into him and I went, I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah.

I was winning at the last story, a come from behind victory, brought to you in part, by the way, by double points.

I was cruising the victory.

I informed everybody that the last story was Lewis.

And then talked myself out of Lewis.

At the last moment.

And then at the last moment, and then Lewis leaned over to me right before they said the story.

He goes, I'm so sorry.

And he ripped the book away from me so much that Yakov Smirnov had to feel bad for me and promised me a different book.

Fucking Soviet Russia book reads you.

I've been doing that joke for two fucking days.

I'm okay with it.

I won't stop.

I got no problem with it.

It's got to be John because it says and I.

It's actually properly written and it says friends, not friend.

Okay.

Bobby.

Bobby, stop talking.

You made the sale, dog.

John Chris.

John Christ.

That's my final vote.

Nice and easy.

Yeah, thank you.

Everyone thinks it's John.

Who does John think it is, though?

Fuck, wait a minute.

Wait.

I don't like Lewis's fucking...

What are you doing right now?

What's up, dude?

Nah, I don't like this.

Bobby, wait, wait, Bobby.

You sold me.

What do you mean?

Now you don't think?

John, look at me.

Bobby, I'm bad at this game.

I need your help.

you've won before

what's he doing you're a BJ that's dirty no oh he thinks it's me oh then it's definitely him boom

does John need a new micro marker that marker

has low budget why don't you guys get John a good marker

because you guys are atheist fucking devil worshipers

Actually, God doesn't want him to play this game.

Stop.

Every marker you give him won't work.

Jonathan, stop.

Dry out his dry erase marker.

You are better than this, John.

You are slumming it.

You are currently slumming it.

All of our answers are in, Alex.

That story belongs to

Zachamika.

Come the fuck on.

Why do I want to believe my friends always?

He said I can't run since high school.

I really just believed him.

That was the reason I didn't vote for him, but Zach used to be so much skinnier.

I forgot how skinnier he was.

Fuck, miss your tits.

He didn't come out like this.

I should have thought.

What got me was, and I never told the rest of the group.

I feel like the four of us, if we did that, we would be like, I got it.

I got the alcohol.

Never told the rest of the group is insane behavior.

I had a giant stockpile.

That's crazy.

It was like 15 people.

And I took it all and I hid it behind my mom's garage.

And that was my liquor for like the summer.

And now you do it with tacos.

Don't let the cops see my tacos, Sash.

Zach and Miguel just cleaned up.

Cleaned up.

Round one came, pulled way ahead.

Oh, so he gets everybody's points.

All right, so I see Zach's game.

Every time there's activity in the story, it's Zach.

Damn.

Alex, where are you?

On the scoreboard, everybody has zero points besides Zach Amiko with four points.

Reluctant, reluctant applause.

Man, I wish I had double points on that.

What's the two?

It's double points.

Hey, can we turn on the air conditioning so this lady has double points?

Miss your tits.

I got to make sure this guy stays in front.

God damn right.

He's got to block.

My pastor told me he's got to sit right there.

Absolutely.

Sir, you have no idea your importance tonight.

You are John Chris's guiding light.

Keeping on the right path, keeping away from monsters like us.

Miss your tits.

I don't know if that thing is see-through or not, but I think I see-through it.

I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't know.

They're great tits.

Sir, can I see your dick so I don't feel like I'm just fucking your family up?

If she has children, they should be taken away by the state.

Yeah.

Twice.

Because she's feeding them well.

I'm going to say something.

John, plug your your ears.

Jonathan, plug your ears.

I'm going to say that if this woman's nipples are bigger than

this,

I'd see them right now.

All right.

Yo, what's good, Story Wars fam?

It's Louis J.

Gomez and Big J.

Okerson bringing the heat on the wildest game show podcast ever.

Look, I used to change smoke to keep up with the chaos, but now I'm all about that Lucy

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Lewis, when are you going to jump on that Lucy train?

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That doesn't mean gay.

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Pop one right in before we start taping.

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That's right.

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Alex, story number two.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh, no, that's not.

You don't do it there.

All right, my bad, my bad.

Nah, it's false alarm.

My fault.

My fault.

My fault.

You just go, ooh, ooh.

Yes.

All right.

Story number two.

I called a black girl who I was on a date with colored by accident.

John Chris.

It was on purpose.

She didn't know what she was.

That is such a southern story.

That's how you found Jesus, right?

This could also be Bobby.

Bobby is

That's the girl.

I think she's here.

First of all, I wouldn't do it by accident.

Yes, you would.

Bobby.

Boston's so inside of you.

Yeah.

Three times now in our working relationship of three years, working together daily, I've said, damn, dude, did you even look around before you said that?

And you went, did I say it?

You don't even know.

It's not true.

Boston falls out of you.

You put on NWA, fuck the police, and I just sang the song live on Bob on live radio.

But when you sing it, it's okay.

Is that what you've heard?

That's what Bobby does when he calls black people the N-word.

He just sings it at them.

Yeah.

Get off my lawn, you.

Get away from Dawn, you.

You're singing, it's okay.

Big Jay wouldn't date a black girl.

He's racist.

That's not fucking wrong.

It's not him.

That's wrong.

Bobby's true.

Bobby used to be a little player.

Every color of the rainbow.

I've dated black girls, absolutely.

Yeah.

And you're old, so you would accidentally call somebody color.

And you're well, I'm so old that when you did it, it wasn't offensive.

Yeah, that was like it was actually what you called them.

Yeah, she understood everything.

You were like, you got to go before my family family sees you here.

She goes, oh, I understand, Mr.

Bobby.

I'm going to go wash off my face and leave here rotting jiffy.

Are we missing that?

It might be Calorid, and that was her first name, and he mispronounced it.

Ooh, that is very

phonetically.

It could be Bobby still.

Phonetically was her sister.

almost got them both when their mama was out of town

wait so the joke is like that that I'm just new here but that Bobby's like dumb or she's like not

no yeah that's the joke okay all right yeah yeah I think it's racist you cocksucker no

no they're all knocking on you yeah

this is confirmation this isn't

let me catch you up uh Bobby's dumb and I'm fat let's go okay Lewis is racist this isn't Lewis because Lewis was deflecting Lewis has never dated a black girl.

That's not true.

I had a full-fledged black girlfriend.

That's not true at all.

Yes, it is.

She cut the refrigerator cord.

When she caught me texting other girls, she cut the cord of my refrigerator and nearly electrocuted herself.

It actually made her hair straight.

Now she got the good hair.

When was this?

You don't remember this?

Right during the beginning of the pandemic.

That hot, big-booted.

Ironically, it was a black and decker.

She wasn't that black, dude.

That chick wasn't black.

She was straight up black from Washington, D.C.

Oh, she was barely black.

I mean, after she was electrocuted, she was.

Yeah, I thought she was light-skinned, half-Hispanic, so she wasn't that black.

You came up in the Black Circuit.

You definitely did a black girl.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

but I didn't start in the Black Circuit in the 1950s where I'd call a black girl colored.

I'd call her a sister before that.

Come on, sister.

Colored?

Call her a sister.

Yeah, Lord, my rear.

Across 100 inch history.

Hey, colored girl.

You want to drink from the cleanest water fountain you've ever seen?

I think it's.

John, what's your dating history been like?

Are you married?

No, I got a girlfriend.

But before that,

have you been slinging dick or have you been kind of a monogamous?

It's okay.

You know, Jesus had hair of wool.

Yeah, what is it?

What's the deal?

I thought that was John the Baptist.

Jesus was black.

I don't know if you know that.

Oh, yeah.

Mary Magdalene was definitely black.

My mom has a photo with Jesus hugging Trump.

They're both white.

No shit.

Yeah, they're both white.

She was there for that?

It's on the fridge.

Jesus Hugging Trump.

Both very white.

Both very white.

Oh, my God, that was the hottest ticket in Tennessee that day.

I would feel more comfortable having this discussion if the crowd wasn't entirely white.

That would be.

That is not our fault.

Black people don't love jokes about black people.

They hate them.

There's one colored person.

I'm jumping.

I'm joking.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It was

shit.

Come on.

Hey, guys, let's not be dicks about this.

You think black people are coming to a show where the prize is a book?

What the fuck?

Holy shit.

We have jumped the shark, everyone.

That's it.

I'm not a boy.

Black people can't jump sharks because they don't swim.

You're up, Jay.

Jump Chris.

What?

You think it's Chris?

I think this is Bobby.

I feel like there's different parts of this pod where I feel like because I'm off the table, I might be off the camera, and I'm not sure.

I'll be like, I wasn't there for that part.

My final

post, Robert Kelly, locked in.

Really?

For strategic reasons, I'm going Bob.

Not me.

I think it's John.

I'm going John.

I don't know.

Because whoever's wrong, I don't want them to get all the points, so I want to split it up.

I'm going John.

Big Jay, John.

Now I think it might be John because I don't think he cares about his answer.

Fuck it.

It's not going to be John.

It's John.

John, fuck.

Why would you you think Big Jay?

That's crazy.

I think I would come on this podcast for the first time.

It's true.

And that's what I would say.

I don't think so, but that's why I think it's Bobby.

Also, Jay, nice handwriting.

Thank you.

Alex, all of her answers are locked in.

That story belongs to Robert Kelly.

I was very nervous.

It was my first black girl that I dated.

I was very in love with her.

And it was just when it went from that word to African-American

and black, I was confused on which word to use to not be offensive.

Why did you have to use any?

Why do you have to describe her color to her?

Because I said, this is the first time I'm going to...

Did you go, sweetheart, being that you're a

colored person?

African-American?

Did I jump the shard?

I said, I was like, I've never dated.

I was going to say black, but then I was like, African-American.

I was like, that's the wrong one.

And then I said that.

And she was like, motherfucker, I ain't bitch.

I ain't colored.

Yeah.

And she actually forgave me.

She's like, I understand.

And then we had a great date.

And me and Debbie dated for a little while.

Debbie?

Her name is Debbie?

Debbie.

Yeah, fucking Debbie.

Was there a Z in there somewhere?

Or an apostrophe?

Oh.

The apostrophe E-B-B-Y.

She was one of the, I was in the bathroom.

The B.

I remember.

I went to pick her up at her house in a very dangerous neighborhood, and she came out of the house with a bowl of peaches.

And she went to the corner.

Because that's what white people like?

She walked up.

She's like, baby, you want a peach?

I was like, I do.

And then she fed me a peach.

And then she had the yells.

She goes, get out of here.

He's my boyfriend.

Leave him alone, Lamar.

He said this was before it switched.

When did it switch?

1957.

Yeah,

I thought it was the Gettysburg Address.

Well, down here it switched that.

When President Lincoln said it wasn't okay anymore.

That guy was there, dude.

I think it was him.

It switched four score in seven years ago

this

guy

uh alex where are our points at

all right on the scoreboard with two points each tied for second place luis j gomez and robert kelly

and in the lead with six points zachamico wow

you didn't say my name yep

If you're score, if you're scoring by Christ's rules, the first shall be last.

By the way, I'd like you to know that me and John both have voted for each other, both stories, and both eaten shit hard.

Oh, yeah.

Well, John, I mean, him voting for you was just a crazy vote.

It made no sense.

Oh, yeah, well, I don't know you guys.

I look like a problem.

Yeah, I don't know you guys' reputations that well.

Yeah, no, Lewis is the piece of shit.

Everyone, I'm the nice guy.

Yeah, Jenny, you look like a real weirdo up here.

You don't know the reputation of a guy with pink fingernails?

Okay, they're dip gel.

And I'll say this.

It's supposed to strengthen them.

Miss your tits.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I headlined a show where the feature had no arms.

All right, that does whittle it down.

It's fucking Jay.

It's Jay and me.

That's it.

Let him read the story, Bobby.

I headlined a show where the feature had no arms and no legs.

He closed on an inspirational speech.

I couldn't follow him.

One night, I decided to put one of my arms in my sleeve when I walked out.

I bombed for an hour, and an amputee military vet tried to fight me in the parking lot.

This story reeks of Lewis.

Headlined.

He does everything.

This is everything that Lewis would go.

Like, what?

I would do that.

All these things you would do.

You go, you know what will ingratiate me to this guy?

I'll pretend I have no arm.

I've been, let me tell you something.

This ain't me, but I've been in this situation.

I've had, I've given a guest spot to a handicapped person, and they ended on like, they think that we can't do the thing.

And John, we can.

No, no, this is, you don't know the guy.

It's a direct impression.

You.

No, I'd get an Oscar if I was playing him.

People can do what they want to do.

If you do this, you can get a golden ticket on Kill Tony.

Wait, let me show you my misshapen shoulders and limp, though, first.

Ba-ba-ba!

Meow.

John Christ.

I'm going with John Christopher for the third time in a row, playing a numbers game.

I feel like

this went from hiding alcohol from the cops to racism to

where does the show go from here?

Well, the natural progression.

We kill a person.

We are chaos.

Then we all suck on her tits.

It really degenerates into a full-blown room org.

I headlined it.

This is a chaotic story.

I would do this.

I will admit that.

Bombing for an hour sounds like me.

And

an army vet trying to fight me we wouldn't try to fight we would fight i i can see this being john john seems like he'd be booked for military gigs

that's kind of i don't know why no it's not a necessary military gig it says an amputee military vet that was there also so there was multiple people in the room i understand what you're saying so it was a vfw show which means gino booked it

exactly your references aren't going to work with people that nobody knows sorry

It means a very old man comedian from New York used to book shows at VFWs, which makes me think it's New York side,

not John.

Why they don't have those down here?

John?

Do they have bad VFW military shows down here?

Yeah, but no, they're good.

Oh, I thought you were asking if they have handicapped people here.

Do they have handicapped people here?

No.

I didn't think so.

God country.

Send him to Joel Osteen's.

Yeah, they call him colored.

Fix him right up

there's so much arm behind that baby arm i'm just pulling it out it's john john again i keep saying john but it's got to be john eventually it's john these are random they're all random yeah they're in that was it could be two bobby stories in a row this also could be this sounds like a bobby story could easily be that story that's exactly what i went to and i'm going with it bobby was this you it's 100 a bob story Bobby, is this you?

No.

Why'd you think about it?

Because you asked me a question, and I like to think think about things.

How did he.

Bobby.

What?

Is this not you?

Yes.

Okay.

Bobby, it is.

Bobbo.

Could be a double.

We haven't had two stories in a row in a while for somebody, and that happens.

It's a pure game of numbers.

You wrote Booby?

Why did you write Booby?

I already know.

I'm thinking of this girl still.

Is that anything you wrote, Booby?

Yeah.

I wrote Bobbo.

Oh, I thought you were.

B-O-B-B-O-E.

Babo.

Baboo.

Bobby Aruni.

And he wipes sweat off his forehead when everyone votes for him.

He's nervous.

That didn't happen.

I headlined the show where the feature had no arms and no legs.

He closed on an inspirational speech.

I cannot follow him.

One night I decided to put one of my arms in my sleeve when I walked out.

I bombed for an hour, and an amputee military vet tried to fight me in the parking lot.

Did somebody ask you to do that?

I needed to read it out loud.

There's too much chaos happening right now.

That's the theme of the show.

That was crazy what you just did.

I had on a show.

Boop.

Bing, bang.

Bang.

Couldn't follow him one night.

Decided to.

That makes me feel like it's you and not Baba.

But it's headlining.

Yeah, that does make a sane.

But it's a show where they've let in people with no arms to work.

If Lewis bombed, he would have called one of us and told us that story.

Do you think I call you every time I bomb?

You think I call you every weekend?

No.

It's insane.

But when you bomb because you put your arms in and acted handicapped after a handicapped person was on stage, I would know that.

But Bobby has been doing comedy since, I believe he said earlier, 1950-something.

That's not true.

When you can make fun of handicaps, they called them invalids.

And they would thalidomide people.

So this is...

Bobbo!

I'm going with my original instinct.

John Chris.

I'm going with Bobby.

Bobby, you're going with me?

No, I'm going with John Chris.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

That's the jiggy.

Wait, Bobby's looking very excited about it now.

He does, right?

He's like, you're going with me?

No, no, no.

Oh, okay.

No, John.

It's John.

But

you wouldn't want Lewis to write John.

You wouldn't want him to get points with you.

You want to get ahead of you.

Why I wouldn't get points with you.

Direct him in the wrong way.

Direct him to you then.

No, let him get points.

No, but why wouldn't you direct him to you to take his points away?

Jay, let people play how they play.

I'm just saying, dude, let him get points.

I'm trying to save you right now.

I'm not trying to save me.

No, it's just.

Bobby is trying to direct you away from John.

John, swear in this Bible.

Tell me it's not you.

He's trying to direct you towards John.

He's like, oh, good, good, good.

You're saying John.

Stop the real Bible.

Why would Bobby have the Bible?

Why would Bobby want you to have the points?

Why would he make sure you don't pick wrong and he gets the points?

Because he's my friend.

He's my friend.

He's my friend.

Man, he's my friend.

You really need a father.

What's up, brother?

Bobby's not your father.

Your father left you.

I know.

It was by choice.

Your father left Earth.

Wow.

That's how much he wanted to be away from you.

Miss your tits.

I do it like sitcoms.

Sometimes it's sad.

Miss your tits.

Left.

And then when I'm winning, I'll be like, Miss your tits.

I'm going my original answer.

John Christ.

You're a dumbass.

Why do I have a cross?

You did good.

Oh no.

Fuck.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Might be Bobby Toys that are all pissed.

That story belongs to John Chris.

Yo!

Yes!

I'm terrible at this game.

Dang.

You had it.

Lewis knows.

Lewis knows.

There we go.

I was very impressed.

That was the Little Rock Looney Bin.

That's nice.

Wow.

Yeah.

And yeah, that's a real story.

And he tried to fight.

What happened in the fight?

Did Did you try to fight him back?

Well, I thought that was going to be, because the, okay, it was Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

You guys know how the club, so we, like, we, we become buds.

Like, we were, I was driving him everywhere.

We were, like, so in the.

Oh, you had to.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was manual.

You just threw him in the back of the pickup truck.

He goes, hey, hold the wheel when I shift gears.

Oh!

I'm back.

So he was in the, he was like, like, I was like, I couldn't follow him because he did this whole thing.

And then, like, he gave this whole inspiring speech, and he got a standing ovation, which I thought was offensive.

It should have been.

It should have been.

Yeah.

Did they applaud too?

Yeah.

Look at another thing you can't do.

Wait, you had to drive the feature around?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That he had to load him up, or I don't know how you say it, but yeah.

Brett Eastman is.

Did he come in a box?

Yeah.

Sort of.

But

he was hilarious hilarious because he was like, mentally, he was all there.

But he was just, it was hilarious.

Yeah, he was missing all kinds of parts.

Yeah.

His sense of smell was great.

He can see real sharp.

But he was funny.

And then I was like, I was bombed every night.

I was like, what do I have to do to follow this?

You had to follow a pillow with a head.

They like put him.

He had a table.

They like put him on a table.

Oh, my Christ.

Oh, my Chris.

No, he had like a...

Was it his table?

I think they brought a table.

They have to have a table.

Is it a irider diet coke and a table you can't make a do not make him have to check a table every time he goes somewhere come on just have a fucking table for him dude don't be a fuck he had to be awful hottest girlfriend though of course

no way he went on the road with a glow worm no

hottest girlfriend hottest girlfriend i've ever seen what was her fucking damage

I don't know.

We didn't talk about it.

She was like his handler or something.

No, she.

Did he have a...

She was his feetler, too.

Did he have a wiener?

Oh, he didn't get that close.

No?

I don't know.

Do you think he just lived in her stomach like quado?

I don't know what that is.

Did he ever tell her?

Did he lose the limbs in war?

No, he was born like that.

At any point in the weekend, did he inform you to turn on the reactor to get an atmosphere on Mars?

Jay, they don't watch

Total Recall.

There's no science fiction down here.

They don't care.

You don't watch Total Recall.

Oh, miss, you're a tit.

Speaking of quado.

All right.

Well, there we go.

Alex, where are our points at after round three?

All right.

After round three in fifth place with zero points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Wow.

Wow.

We're only halfway through the game.

With two points, John Christ.

I only got two for that.

On the board, yeah, you fooled two people.

Fooled two people.

Oh, okay, I got it, I got it.

Tied for second place with four points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Robert Kelly.

All right, I'm not worried about that.

They're in cahoots.

And in the lead with six points, Zach Amiko.

We got it out.

Six.

All right.

This is the regs trying to suppress me.

Yo, it's Louis J.

Gomez and Big J.

Oakson Oklinson coming at you from Story Wars, the wildest game show podcast in the world.

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Jay, what's the deal with your brunt kicks?

Yo, Lewis, I'm rocking the Marin six-inch soft toe.

Check these bad boys out.

Jay, they look more like five and a half inches.

Nope.

No, no, no.

I measure from the base.

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All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

For a month, I drove a car with no brakes.

And

If this isn't Lewis, I'm going to fucking kill myself, dude.

And would memorize routes to avoid going downhill.

Oh, my God, dude.

That's a waste.

I mean, by the way, I did, when I was in high school, my car did, its brakes went out completely and I almost crashed into a house.

But I didn't drive it around for a month.

That's crazy.

He's lying.

He does this constantly.

All right.

And then he gets me.

He says something like that.

And then I go, yeah, Lewis, what is that?

Come on off.

Fuck up constantly.

I'm going to leave this open.

This could very much be Lewis.

Don't listen to me at all.

I've never heard this story, but he is a reckless, dare I say, Chinese woman-like driver.

I will say, I am a horrible driver.

Fucking awful.

I am a horrible.

I will admit that, but that has nothing to do with the quality of my car.

He says some, no, cars are beautiful until he bashes them to pieces by crashing in other cars.

And he says things like, dude, I'm doing good.

I haven't been in an accident in six months, he said to me one time.

That's impressive.

Even the guy from Major League who does the commercials goes, if you don't have an accident for a year, your price goes down.

And Lewis can't get to that.

I have a hard time.

Well, it's been, I got a new car in December after totaling the Audi.

And it's going, what is it, January, February, March?

Probably doing four.

I'm not going to ask John.

Can you give me a second opinion on this?

Does that guy right there have a boner in his jeans?

That's a, yeah, that's a right.

That guy's completely rocked up, right?

Yeah.

That guy's got a complete fully.

Don't turn around, Titan.

That might be a zip.

Don't turn around.

Dude, sir, can you push down on it for me?

Nope.

It's not a problem.

Oh, fucking optical illusion.

Damn, dude.

Sorry.

I thought you had a super hard cock.

No, my bad.

I didn't mean to pull the brakes.

Jake, real quick, more tits over there.

Oh, my my God, look at the tits.

Damn, this town is tit-heavy.

Yeah, let's play the game.

Nashville is the town of four heads and tits, huh?

And that girl.

That's pretty cold as opener.

John, did you grow up with money?

No, my dad was a preacher.

Dad was a preacher.

Yeah.

He grew up with everyone else's money.

No, no, I see.

That's a pretty good joke.

That's a pretty good joke.

That's a pretty good joke.

That's a pretty good joke.

Somebody get a picture of him shaking hands with him and send it to his father.

I knew it.

I knew you went and had to get an entertainment.

You become gay.

Why, Zach, why did you say it was immediately?

What kind of reputation does Lewis have that you were like, it's for sure Lewis?

He just told you this guy he's been driving.

First of all, he's 40-something.

He's been driving for three years.

And in those three years, he was impressed that once he was not in an accident for six months.

Well, let Zach answer the question.

Why do you think it was me, Zach?

Because I spent every road gig with Lewis in his passenger seat, and I just hear,

maybe she, maybe we're going to be with it.

And I go, Lewis, I go!

As he almost collides into something.

And that's the Audi that had the technology to stop.

Yeah.

I will say I should fucking sue Audi for the amount of times that it didn't stop.

It's crazy.

Lewis one time was in an accident, so his out he was in the shop and they gave him a loaner.

And for some goddamn reason, they gave him like a fucking, like, like a,

what was it?

A fucking muscle car.

Oh, yeah.

It was like a challenger or something.

And then, so I went to his house and he goes, let's go.

Uh, he goes, let's go pick up food for the gals.

And I go, yeah, I'll drive.

I brought my car.

He goes, no, no, no, no, I want you to see the charger.

And I was like, no,

I'll drive, dude.

He goes, come on.

And I was like, okay.

It was raining terribly.

Lewis lives in New Jersey with winding roads to get to this barbecue place.

He's showing me, he goes, dude, look at how this thing hugs curves.

He's taking 70 miles an hour.

He's weaving down roads.

And I go, Lewis, dude, it's very dark here.

You're going to hugging curves.

How you doing, miss?

So I miss, oh, Miss your tits.

Lewis is hugging these curves for sure.

And we're almost going off the road.

We're hitting grass.

And I go, Lewis, those lights are, I think your lights aren't on.

And he goes, dude, they're just low.

And we can't see anything.

And it's raining.

And he's flying around.

And then we finally skid where Lewis loses control over a second and goes, whoa, whoa.

And I go, can you please pull over?

And he did.

And we found that the lights, in fact, were not on at all.

He was driving 30 miles above the speed limit around corners

in the rain.

In the dark.

In the dark.

This is why this is definitely his story.

Yeah, I don't look.

Vote for me all you want.

I actually don't give a shit because you're not going to, I already know whose story it is, 100%.

Whose?

What do you think?

Go ahead and convince me so I can tell everybody else and fucking lose again.

I'm getting a vibe that this is Robert Kelly's story.

You don't have a license.

I don't have a license.

You think it's who?

I think it's Bobby Kelly's story.

Me?

Bobby Kelly's been driving for the better part of 40 years.

When brakes could go out in a car because there was no computers.

Well, yeah, you didn't have to get your car inspected back in the day or any of that.

Well, Bobby's being very quiet right now.

He's also sweating and wiping his head again profusely.

And I don't know at the time if the Model T Yeah me if the Model T had brakes.

It might even have brakes.

It was a concept car at that point.

This is the retarded logic.

You're going to put your feet down like Fred Flintstone.

Me being a bad driver has nothing to do with not having brakes in your car.

It's retarded.

It's not the logic.

It's Lewis.

Vote for me.

No, but no, no.

You being a bad driver is the person who would go, my car doesn't have brakes, but I'll give it a shot.

It's 100% Lewis.

I'm saying Lewis.

I'm talking about Lee.

Jay would never do that.

Jay is too anal to have a car with a little thing wrong with it.

Oh, my God.

You can't do anal in a car with no brakes.

I don't think it's Big Jay.

I think this is Bobby Kelly.

Jay, you're retarded.

I genuinely think you're retarded.

I don't care.

Who did you pick?

Bobby's retarded.

You picked me.

Who'd you pick?

Lewis?

You know me?

You know, I thought you had the lock.

I said Lewis.

You can choose.

You can read.

Now Bobby's acting bad.

What?

Oh, shit.

Ah, shit.

Ah, shit, dude.

Come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Now you touched it.

Oh, come the fuck on.

Don't say you touched it.

You do.

Come on.

Ask me again.

Ask me again.

Wait, wait.

If Bobby's acting bad, the show's going to get canceled this season.

He's got a bunch of shows to get canceled.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's true.

But you guys never watch those shows.

If you guys have ever seen the TV shows Bob's on, Bobby, just write your answer.

We know what you, you cocksucker.

Okay, okay, okay.

It doesn't matter.

He's putting J, Bob, Big J.

Bobby.

He's nervous.

You can't write your own name,

I'm not writing it.

No.

He forgot how to spell your name.

Dude, he's fucking...

No.

I think it's Big J.

Big J.

It's Big J.

You just said it wasn't Big J.

You know it's me.

You know it's not.

It was Bobby the whole time.

You're a son of a bitch, dude.

Alex, all of our stories are in.

That story belongs to Lewis J.

My God.

Oh, this is amazing.

Thank you guys so much.

I didn't think it was going to be Lewis after all that.

And man.

Oh, man.

I'm so happy.

I don't know.

Sometimes you wake up.

I got your number, you dumb speck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Miss Your Tits.

I got to tell you.

Yeah, it was my 1989 Chevron.

I was like, my mom.

Oh, man.

Ah, that was.

And I almost, and I thought even,

I'm sorry.

It was in high school.

I had a 1989 Chevy Caprice, giant fucking beast of a car.

And this thing, I mean, everything was wrong with it.

I had no insurance.

I had no registration.

We just drove this thing into the fucking ground.

It might have been more than a month with no brakes.

And I used to time it at red lights.

I would like slow down a mile down the road and I'd take my foot off the gas.

And the amount of times that I just straight up ran through red lights onto people's fucking lawns, it was insane.

So eventually

I had to memorize routes that didn't go downhill at all because i would literally die so you couldn't drive on your own career

that wasn't funny man it wasn't that good that hurt yeah

i supported you in everything you do zach i don't know dude i don't know if it was funny or if i'm just feeling good but a man did that make me laugh zach good stuff it was also a great story i'm happy with everything you guys are all great i also couldn't go uphill because my car would fucking i was in it

no that whatever it was like it had no pickup so it wouldn't go uphill and I couldn't go downhill I had to find the flattest routes

that is funny you should have just gotten a fat friend to be your brakes

the car eventually the car coming back the car eventually was it was so shitty that me and my friends just took it down to a place called Pex Pond and we beat it with hammers and baseball bats and left it like office space it's crazy that's all that Lewis got rid of his first ex-girlfriend

stupid car.

How would you get home?

Can I have another double-jacked ico up here, please?

Don't worry, though.

Lewis cut her fingertips off and took her teeth out.

What were you saying, John?

Well, if he could only go uphill, how would you get home?

No, I could barely go uphill.

Yeah, but you had to come back to the original.

I had to figure out all the story's a lie.

Yeah, it's a lie.

He had to get home.

He just had to drive to the wrong side of the track.

That's like, well, going uphill both ways to school.

You had to come down.

Who's the dumb one now, John?

I didn't.

It wasn't that hilly, John.

All right.

Where are our points at?

Oh.

Oh.

Someone gets fact checks.

Also, one of those points.

On the scoreboard, tied for last place with two points each.

Big Jay Okerson and John Christ.

Hey, we're going to come back.

We're going to come back.

I'm not worried.

Are you worried?

Nope.

I'm not either.

In third place with four points, Robert Kelly.

Barely anything more.

In second place with six points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Whatever.

And in the lead with eight points, Zach Amiko.

Enjoy it now, you scallywag.

I'm about to really tank this.

I'm about to really fucking blow this lead.

Zach, I know you're panicking right now because you want this book so bad.

Lyssa Strada, this Cygnic classic edition translated by Douglas Parker, doesn't treat the play like a museum piece.

The language is fast, foul, and electric, capturing the rhythm of everyday speech while keeping the poetic force of the original.

It feels ancient and modern

at the same time.

We are at the halfway point of the game.

We did four stories.

At this point, we do some plugs real quick.

John, what are you plugging?

I'm just here to have fun, man.

Here to have fun.

John does not respect our audience at all.

Well, none of these people come to his show, please.

He's like, please, can you bleep out my name?

He doesn't need it.

He doesn't want it.

Tits, save your cash.

Zach Amiko.

Zachamiko's morning zoo.

Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

Gas Digital Network.

I hope you guys fucking tune in.

I'm really excited about it.

I'm fucking pumped.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Robert Kelly.

Baboo.

I just want you guys to have fun, too.

No, I'm kidding.

Seriously.

No, the rags and the bonfire.

Make sure you check those out.

Big Jay.

Also, Bobby's going to be at the County Mothership, and check out punchup.live slash Robert Kelly.

I do his plugs every day.

BigJComedy.com for all my days or punchup.live slash Robert Kelly.

Sorry, Bobby gets money for that.

I am all over the place.

Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

John, you don't get it.

It's a point I reference.

I apologize in advance.

Please like me still.

My first, or actually now at both point, at this point, both halves of my double crowd work special are currently out.

Them, they, available right now on YouTube for free.

Thank you for all your support.

Keep up that support, please.

And of course, the bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly and the flagship show right here on the Guest Digital Network, the legendary Legion of Skanks.

Can I get, can I, how do I be involved?

Can I join?

The Legion of Skanks?

Yeah.

Of course.

Your fourth skank.

We can replace Dave Smith with you.

I swear to God.

If we voted right now, me and Lewis would vote unanimously to bring you in over Dave Smith.

Let's go.

Why don't you tell him the core values before he joins this club?

Well, listen, we'll fill you in.

if he turns from a conservative Christian to a liberal Jew over the years.

You think the word colored was bad.

Wait, why is Dave Smith on bad?

He's on bad.

No, he's great.

We love Dave.

We love our Dave Smith.

Come see me live.

I'm on tour right now.

The Bring Five Friends tour.

Come to a city near you.

Bring five friends.

I'm desperate.

And

yeah, I'll be in Europe at the end of May with Scott Chaplin, and I'm filming a new special, which is going to be directed by the great Robert Kelly in Tampa.

Yeah.

July 12th.

There's, there's, I mean, a handful of tickets left, so get them now.

Don't wait till the last minute.

And make sure you guys, if you love this show, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show.

We bleep that a lot of stuff.

You know, John's over there, he pulls his dick out a lot during the show.

If you want to see the uncensored version where John's pulling his dick out and beating it off, you have no idea what he does.

He's a real pervert.

He's one of his tits.

Real pervert.

But yeah, the uncensored version, ad-free version,

plus a bunch of on-demand episodes that are not available anywhere else.

They're all at gasdigital.com.

Use the promo code WARS, W-A-R-Z, to save on a premium membership.

And yeah, check out all the other pods that I do, the Regs, Legion of Skanks, and I do a bonus solo podcast for people on my mailing list.

So join my mailing list at lewisofskanks.com.

And that's that.

That is that.

It's a lot of pods.

Now,

yeah, I'm in last place.

Who gives a fuck?

This game is far from over because nobody's pulled far ahead.

Who's winning?

Zach, eight points.

Whatever.

I'm only six points away.

And that's very easy to make up.

That kind of distance

is easy to make up, especially when we go for the final four stories.

Couple points.

I got it now.

I'm in, dude.

You got it.

John knows what's up.

I'm in.

In case you're not.

To explain it really quickly, whereas before, if you fooled anybody, you would pick up one point.

If you guessed the the correct story, you got two points.

Now that goes to double points.

So you get it now.

He says double points.

They play the music, and then everyone does their impression.

Yeah,

the music, and then everyone does their impression of a black person.

Okay, yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus, Zach.

That's in the liner notes.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ, Zach, Bobby.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I took someone on a third date to a music festival.

We got locked into a surprise mosh pit on the lawn where we were both lifted off the ground and scared for our lives.

It's not Jay or Zach.

It's fair.

I mean, this, it's so obviously Big Jay.

Only Jay would bring a chick to a fucking heavy metal concert on a date.

No women want that, Jay.

Yeah.

I wouldn't assume they would.

I always do dudes at festivals.

Gay?

Yeah.

I go to festivals and dude,

dude, dudes.

I set up a little tent.

Couldn't be Bobby because it said third date.

Mm.

And I don't even know if that applies because I don't even know him, but I'm a.

That's fair.

He might be married.

I don't know.

I am

oh shoot, all right, dang it.

But for years, he was the cheater.

It was not for years, it was for

Bobby.

That'll be on the uncensored version.

It's not cheating.

John's gonna have to subscribe to Gaston in order to get that information.

I took someone on a third date to a music.

John's not going to a heavy metal show.

That's crazy.

It does.

It could be Christian.

It could be P.O.D.

or some fucking horse shit.

That is true.

Yeah, you're kind of assuming that it's a shit.

It could be crazy.

It could be some fucking dog shit that fucking would like that shit.

Have you ever heard of Skillet?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

I knew

there's some ex-Christians.

Why would he draw us?

I could hear them.

I could hear him.

It could be you, John.

Don't you get like a year to just go out and do weird shit?

That's a rum spring.

That's Amish people, dude.

That's wild, dude.

I'm Catholic.

I don't know.

I think it would be Zach.

No, they said lift it off the battle.

Zach, you did this last time when it was your goddamn story.

You were a thinner man at one point in your life.

It's true.

And with enough people.

Like Gulliver's Travels.

Did someone use two fingers?

It was a pit of people.

A pit of people.

I like it.

Surprise.

He's reading it.

It's you because you're pretending like, oh, babe,

I'm going to go.

You're good, asshole.

Why are you reading it?

It's you.

Has there there been a surprise?

No, sure, Bob.

It is me.

Get ahead.

It's fucking you.

It's you.

Bob, look at me in the eyes.

Get ahead.

It is me.

It is you.

It is me.

Don't fucking mind fuck me, Zach.

Look into his wacky eyes.

I want to say, Zach.

There's been no Zach story yet.

It's a mosh pit.

Numbers, wise.

I stay away from mosh pits.

There has been a me story, and you don't know that's not how you spell my name.

you've been my friend for 10 years

big joy

i know it's one of the two

big jay's putting it in early uh early yeah that he put it in yeah you always we've heard that before

i always go last that's false lewis does that to cheat that's not true i've been voting a lot first lately okay cheater

Jay right now is definitely

voting a lot.

Every time he it's him, he's worse than that.

This is what he's doing.

This is what he does.

He does this every time.

Everybody vote for me, please, and I'll take the points.

Also, he does that when it's him as well.

And he also says everyone vote for Judas and then he does that.

It's not Lewis because Lewis wouldn't be scared for his life.

He would try to fight everybody.

That's true.

I don't think Lewis would also call anything a third date.

I don't know.

It doesn't seem like it's not.

I would have like third fuck session.

And if everyone that I know, Big J,

I mean, literally, he hits on like fucking three things.

He'll watch World Star videos, he goes to music festivals, and he fucking takes three shots in order to hang out with his friends.

This is it.

That's my grinder bio.

Zach, Zach, is that an earring?

That's an earring, right?

Bob, you've asked me

for eight years, every time you look at my lip, is that an earring?

We still think it's a pink booger.

I thought it was a fucking gross mole.

I was disgusted the whole show.

But it's not.

It's a little earwomb.

And now you want to suck it.

Yeah.

All right, you want to see this one?

Because he has an earring on his gawk.

It's not an earring if it's in my dick, Bob.

It's a dick?

Yeah, it's a dick.

Yeah, but your dick looks like an ear.

I do have cauliflower dick.

It's the only way I can get fat chicks to eat vegetables.

Okay, five-second break.

Bring John Chris back in.

John?

Sorry, those are editing notes for later.

Just to keep John out, and then we'll...

I feel bad.

John doesn't know the people on the panel the same way that we all know each other, so he's at a little bit of a disadvantage.

I'm still trying to figure out if you're Matt.

Lewis.

No.

I mean,

John, we're all just trying to figure that out, dude.

That's what Legion of Harry is all about.

John, John,

worse.

I see what's going on.

He read Moshpit on the lawn, and he's trying to figure out if it's a Mexican guy.

Okay.

Very clever.

I don't know how to ask once we got started.

I don't know how to ask.

Yeah, Moshpit on the lawn.

This is an OzFest type thing.

This is way in the back.

What?

PNC Bank Art Center type thing.

I'm going to go to Camden.

Big Jay's, he just talks a lot.

As soon as you start to bring it up for him, it's very obvious.

It's Big J.

That's my.

my obvious anything.

Whoever it is,

we need to know what the song is, and we got to play it.

We got to know who the band was.

That's fair.

Surely we know.

It was slipknot.

If you were funny, you'd do it again.

I thought about it a lot.

Zachariah.

Ooh.

You know what?

I raise you, motherfucker.

No way.

No way.

It's because he said third date, like that was a big deal.

Okay.

This is what you think of me.

This is what you think of me.

Dude, stop fucking.

Okay.

What?

All right.

What?

I don't care.

Lose points, dude.

It's Zach, you dip.

Everyone's answers are in?

You've never won.

That story belongs to Big Jay Open Series.

Don't I, though?

Woo!

Sometimes I win.

Woo!

Sometimes I win.

Woo.

Was it OzFest, Jay?

It was OzFest.

It was Slipknot.

I uh.

It was, right?

Dang it.

It was OzFest.

It was slipknot.

It was slipknot.

That's crazy.

I

am.

I was, then wasn't, because he's a bad person, but then it turns out he's totally cool and am a Marilyn Manson fan.

And Marilyn Manson was the headline before Ozzy that year at OzFest.

And I

became my ex-wife,

Carla, who is Colombian and Argentinian.

American, but that's her background.

So she knows much more Tito Puente than she knows anything metal.

But I'm like, Marilyn Manson, oh, the artist, and the blah, blah, blah.

You got to see him.

So Slipknot came on.

That was just the first album came out.

I didn't really know it yet or anything.

So I was like, yeah, I don't know this bandit.

I'll let's go walk around the fucking festival village for a while.

And I go, and when they get off stage, let's go.

We were on the lawn.

My hookup was on the lawn.

And then

I go, let's get a good place in the lawn so we can watch Marilyn Manson from really far away, but as close as possible.

And

she was like, sure.

And then Slipknot stopped.

This is a nightmare third date for a girl that doesn't like metal because it's a fucking nightmare.

There's dust everywhere.

There's dirty fucking people in black t-shirts.

Yeah, she dressed up like she was like, oh, I'm going to look cute for a heavy metal festival.

And I was like, no, you should have brought sneakers.

And

we walk around the festival, and then Slipknot stops.

So I go, oh, let's go now so we can get a good place on the lawn while everyone's like switching over.

And we go and we bury ourselves deep in the lawn.

And Slipknot comes back out.

And they go, one One more song.

This is your national fucking anthem.

And they play a song called Spit It Out.

Great song.

And in the middle of that song.

She spit his dick out.

She spit my fucking dick out.

I mean, the woman takes direction.

She, uh,

no, uh, John is giving confession right now.

John on a mock wallboard.

Prayer app.

John does teleconfessions.

No.

I have a filter on my phone that goes to my pastor.

I say, spit it out, and it's not.

No, okay, yeah, that's fair.

Can't look that up.

Spit it out is something this pastor said a few times.

What's that mean?

I don't get it.

It's not that kind of Christian, Zach.

It's not that kind of Christian.

So

we get in the middle of the thing and Slipknut comes back out.

They start playing Spit It Out.

When they play this song live, historically, always, it became one of my favorite things when I'd see them, once I became a fan.

But they have the whole they do a breakdown, they have the whole audience get down on their like they tell everyone to get down the ground.

They won't even move on until you get down on the ground, and everybody gets down.

And me and Carla sort of get down.

We're like, I guess we'll play along.

And I start seeing, and then at some point, it's taking so long, we just stand back up.

And we are the two people standing in a sea of people on the ground.

And I'm seeing frat dudes look at each other with a real.

If Carla was down, you guys would still be married.

No shit.

But we're sitting, and I see these frat dudes looking at each other with a real, like, fucking, like,

you ready for this?

And I don't know the song.

And I'm just like, we'll get past this and then we'll watch Marilyn Manson's gonna be so good.

And then he just says the thing and he goes to the body, jump the fuck up.

And the entire building turns into a mosh bed.

And everyone jumps up.

And me and her are, I'm holding her, screaming, don't panic, in the most panicked voice possible.

And both of our feet aren't on the ground.

And when it was over, I had

told her that the wind was why there were tears in my eyes.

I go, no, it's fucking windy, but that was crazy, huh?

I was pretty sure we're going to die.

I was screaming, don't worry,

don't panic.

All right, there's a lot of points for me.

You got a tough score, Alex.

On the scoreboard in last place, with two points, John Chris.

Oh, where's your God now?

Hallelujah, dude.

With six points.

Big Jay Okerson.

Ooh, what place is that?

That's third place right now.

Tied for second place with eight points each.

Robert Kelly and Zachamiko.

Before and after.

And in the lead with 10 points, Lewis J.

Gomez.

Okay.

I'm doing pretty good, consider Lewis cheats.

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank yokratum.com for supporting today's show.

We love Yo Kratom.

Home of the $60 kilo.

Yo, a kilo of Kratom.

It's incredible.

That's 1.1 pounds, Jay.

2.2 pounds.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot that we're doing double points.

Yes!

Double pounds!

Double pounds.

Double pounds of Kratom, everybody.

Double pounds.

It looks like if you order a kilo of Kratom, you're going to get double pounds.

Double pounds.

Thank you, Roots.

Well, look, if you're in the market for Kratom, you got to get it from YoKratom.

They're the marketing sponsors for everything here at Gas Digital and for Skank Fest.

Longtime supporters of all the shows that we do.

So if you're in the market already, support the company that supports us, yokratom.com.

All right, where were we?

Alex.

Story number six.

Story number six.

My father was involved in a melee that got him stabbed with a knife.

Somebody's playing the game for me now, Jay.

My father, if you don't know, my father was murdered with a knife.

Everyone knows.

Everyone knows.

If they don't even know, they can tell by your behavior.

Is that for real?

Yes, what do you got?

My father was murdered with a knife, but I wouldn't have put that story in.

That's retarded.

Oh, I got it.

John, you're the only one who doesn't know anybody.

Is it possible your father was involved with a name?

Your pastor father.

No.

Was it an exorcism going bad?

It didn't say murder, though.

So I can't look.

Bobby's dad was a piece of shit.

Your dad was a piece of shit.

Zach, your dad was like.

My dad could have been stabbed by the night.

Zach's dad was some weird shit back in the day.

He's got crazy stories about his dad.

Stop it.

His dad wasn't president.

His mom was weird.

Everyone up here has questionable fathers.

Except John.

John, was your father trying to stop Damien from becoming the Indian guys?

Was your father in front of an abortion clinic trying to stop girls from going in?

Shane did this where he put a, his story was I got into a fight with my girlfriend in Jamaica.

So this is somebody trying to fucking play the game right now.

Which means, what, me?

No, no, exactly.

The only way this could be the case is if it's me,

Zach, or Bobby.

John doesn't know your father was.

Unless his dad was actually in a melee that he got sapped with a knife.

All right, so if.

The real thing is we know Lewis doesn't know the word melee.

He certainly doesn't know how to spell it.

I think that's one of their best songs.

Unless he says, when I meet an open-mic female comedian, she melee me.

And I'm only saying this because I would do it too.

But we would first write out M-A-Y-L-A-Y, melee.

Sure.

Oh, you wouldn't do that?

Why you're so smart you know how to spell melee?

It's you, you fancy.

Now I'm thinking it's big jig.

Do you really?

You think my father was stabbed?

I never mentioned that.

Your father was murdered by a knife, and I never mentioned that my father was also stabbed.

That didn't come up.

But none of you have mentioned this to me before.

Right, because it's John Christ.

His father was an unscrupulous piece of shit pastor who had many families around town, and one of them got pissed off one day and stabbed him with a knife.

How long was it?

When did your dad become a pastor?

My whole life.

Your whole life?

Yeah.

After that stabbing.

Yeah.

Did he have like a weird upbringing?

Was he like involved in bad shit whenever he was younger?

His dad's a pastor.

Your dad's just passed.

Yeah.

And isn't Melee one of y'all's best soccer players?

Interesting.

Interesting.

Lewis wouldn't know how to spell Melee because of his interest in soccer.

Can I get this straight, though?

So he can just tell a real...

This really happens.

Bobby, don't make me think this was you.

They all have to be true stories.

Bobby, don't make me think this was you because your father, you don't know very well, and all you might know is he was stabbed once and he definitely left.

No, it's not me.

But if it's.

Okay, never mind.

I'm not wasting my time.

But this could be Lewis.

It's just being real.

It could be.

It's definitely Lewis.

He just may not have written it.

I have this story.

This is my origin story.

Is it who submitted this?

It's who submitted it.

So everyone except you on this panel knows for sure.

That Lewis's father was stabbed in what most would consider a melee outside of a strip club.

I think.

Patterson, New Jersey.

I think he was a piece of shit, Pat.

He was a pimp.

Well, he was a good pimp.

Oh, he was a good pimp.

His mom, though.

But how long has this podcast been going on?

This is our 40th episode.

So

this story has been covered before.

Oh, Legion of Skanks has been going on for, I think, the better part of 27 years.

And I think

it's come up a lot almost daily when we have to excuse Lewis' behavior to remain friends with him.

Okay.

Oh, got it, got it, got it.

You have to remember that it's.

In the history of Legion of Skanks, Lewis' dad being killed were what we call an Old Testament story.

Yes.

Oh, I got it now.

I got it.

It would be called net positive with John Christ if there was no murder in Lewis's life.

My father was never stabbed, but he did lie to me once and say he smoked potwood.

I feel like Jay would have mentioned his father being stabbed to me.

You think?

But I think

Bobby doesn't talk about his father.

I feel like it's all like repressed memories.

He does talk about his father, and he may be making a lot of money.

He was raised by two fat women.

That's a good joke.

He probably was.

Gilbert Grape's mom and Gilbert Grape's mom.

You're my knot in shimmering armor.

That's the only way we can make this.

You're my nod in shimmering armor.

The only thing I'm thinking, my instinct is Zach because I know his dad was like a fucking...

Zach has great stories about his father being a real shithead.

A real shithead.

You wrote this knowing that, and you're going to try to throw us all to Zach right now, you scumbag.

Jay,

whatever.

Please.

I think I should get points because Lewis's father was stabbed with a knife.

You don't get points just because they have that story as well.

I should.

It's whoever submitted the story.

That is the rules.

It's Bobby or Zach.

That's what's going on, Bobby.

It's not me.

My dad was a Vietnam vet.

He was a drug actor.

He got stabbed with a bayonet.

Yeah.

Fucking Charlie got him.

It was a May Ray.

Now we're cooking, bro.

Ah, worth it.

This is the podcast.

All worth it.

This is a podcast.

Sure, that exact action got Shane fired from SNL, but look where he's at now.

All of my instincts are saying Zach Amiko, because I know what a shit had his ad was.

I can't believe all your instincts aren't winky.

You want to vote for yourself.

I kind of want to write a little bit.

It's crazy.

Your instinct should make you go, I must have put this in.

You're saying John.

All right, you know what?

If Zach's doing that, it's Zach.

For sure.

I'm going with my instinct.

I'm going Zach Amiko.

Zach played the game.

I think John's one of two people in this room who would use the word melee, and it's not me.

John takes a team.

John, it's got nothing to do with your father being stabbed.

You'd probably use the best grammar and language.

That is how you spell melee.

Who'd you vote for?

I voted for Zach.

It's Zach.

I think Bobby's voting last for this reason.

Good guess, John.

But it technically is you, too.

Yes.

No, it is him.

We should get half points.

That's not true.

You should.

You shouldn't.

New rule.

New rule.

New rules.

Yeah, that's the right answer.

I think it's the right answer.

If it's fucking Lewis, I'm going to honestly.

Listen, hey, stop, everybody.

I got to say something serious right now.

I want to understand what's going to happen.

Look at this lady's fucking tits.

First things first, miss your tits.

Lewis, look at him.

Lucin up his kit.

I'm going to tell you, if it's Lewis, we're going to take an intermission.

I have to go in the back, and I got to break something.

Jay

lives all of his life by limping lyrics.

I smoke so much pot, dude.

I'm going to do it all for the nookie.

Come on.

And Lewis, I'm going to take that cookie and stick it up your yeah.

I'm going to stick it up here, yeah.

Stick it up your yeah.

Zach's going to grab that cookie out of your hand and eat it.

Five-second rule.

Dookie don't count.

Alex, I read that.

All of our answers are in.

If this is Lewis, he's playing 3D chess, and I will never be more impressed.

That story belongs to

Lewis J.

Collins.

Sometimes you're going to just hide and play in sight, everyone.

Well deserved.

Very well deserved.

I can't be mad.

That was brilliant.

That was great.

Who told you to do that?

I did it.

I just had the idea.

Oh, thanks for using that subject.

It's bullshit.

It's fucking bullshit.

Hey, I want you to have this on audio.

Lewis, you're smart and funny.

Let him.

That was the only advantage I had this whole time with not knowing.

It was beautiful.

I got it.

John got us points on that one.

Yeah.

And now I think he's beating Big J.

Oh, he might be winning.

Motherfuck.

This is so you deserve every moment of that, dude.

Thank you very much.

Oh, that was a delightful round.

That feels good.

I guess we know the story.

Lewis's father, piece of shit father, was stabbed in cold blood by a guy, and he probably deserved it.

It was probably justice.

He was outside of a shrimp club in Patterson, New Jersey.

Shrimp.

And he was a hit.

Why no, you already told the story to prove that it wasn't your story.

Yeah.

Oh, you cocks up.

And it was a 15-year-old kid.

A 15-year-old kid came.

They got to a fight, and he came back and he stabbed him with a kitchen knife after he got into a fight with him and his friends.

A butter knife.

He's a pussy.

Lewis was father such a pussy.

He was killed by a butter knife.

He was a plastic butter knife.

It's like, ooh, my organs are so soft.

His father was killed with a spork outside of a strip club in Patton, New Jersey.

It was only topless.

I got to be honest with you guys,

those points in that round was worth my dad's death.

I believe that.

I love you, Papa.

I'm abusive.

I love you, Papa.

Thank you.

The one thing you gave me.

Oh, yeah, dude.

You know what?

God bless you.

Dude, miss your tips.

Alex, where are our points at?

Fuck you, dude.

Okay, that was brilliant, dude.

You're a piece of shit.

In last place

with six points.

No, is that real?

I'm back in last.

John Chris.

Oh, thank God.

And Jay Overson.

Oh, or Ty Ross.

Oh, both of you.

Ty, John Soros, John Sorry, sorry, Joseph.

Yeah, I didn't realize we're both pieces of distress.

We're both dumb as shit.

But you have a great excuse.

You didn't know that this was definitely Lewis's story.

It's making me so happy.

Oh, that worked out better than I thought it would.

Go ahead, Alex.

Tied for second place with eight points each.

Robert Kelly and Zach Amiko.

It doesn't matter.

Me and Bobby are going to go back to our Airbnb and eat our feelings after this.

And in the lead with 16 points, Lewis Jay Comead.

thank you roots

the roots are here they're off cat we and thank you double points

it's almost like they keep loading Lewis stories into when it's double points interesting

Not that I've noticed that over the last 20 episodes.

That's not even close to true.

It's all random.

And my first story was in the the first round.

Keep on hosting.

I have to ask you.

This is like surprisingly.

I would say this was a good thing.

Well, are we moving on to the next story?

Yeah.

Oh.

You can't go to the next story because Alex.

Alex.

You're next to Lewis.

Oh, it's a whisper.

Story.

Talk about yourself.

Number.

Seven.

Story number seven.

In middle school, me and my buddy both tried to make a move on the same girl at the same time, unbeknownst to the other, while watching a movie in the dark.

And she let it happen.

John Christ, unbeknownst.

Make a move?

Bobby Kelly, that's true, Bobby.

You are from a different era.

How many stories has Zach had in so far?

One.

This could be a Zach move.

They're all freaks.

All free.

They're from Jersey.

This is a very Jersey-type story.

Zach uses big words like unbeknownst.

Does he?

Yeah, for sure.

Zach's got a great vocabulary.

He went to NYU.

Yeah, but that could be Lewis trying to throw us off.

Lewis on his bet.

He's still reading it in context, doesn't know what unbeknownst means.

If this was a Lewis story, it would end with, and then we got in a fist fight.

Him and the girl.

I want to say.

No, this isn't John.

He wouldn't.

Tell that, John.

Because they were in the dark.

What does that mean?

Is that the girl?

That's that girl that you and your friend fucking pigged out together?

Bobby.

Huh?

Lady.

Lady.

Shut up.

Oh, I want to say Bobby.

That's what they said at the movies.

It's John or Bobby?

Because John wrote it because it's a cleanup of a dirty story, or Bobby's just an older gentleman who uses these words.

I think

John would feel very ashamed about double-finger-banging a girl with his best friend.

That's not what he said, Hashem.

No, he said made a

move.

Which is well, she let it happen.

What do you mean?

Yeah, but that could be.

She fucking spread her legs and then their pinkies touched.

They're like, whoa.

Listen, it could be a light tit grab.

It could be one making out and the other one rubbing some ass.

It could be pretty innocent.

I mean, if it was Bobby, it was a silent movie.

So that's true.

It's not easy to do that.

We got it.

We got it.

What are we doing sound effects now, dude?

You have to fuck lower than the real-to-real.

Security, can you violently remove that woman?

Why?

No, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait.

Bring her up.

Bobby, you should want her remove, because, by the way, I'm going to, on your word, miss.

I'm just going to blindly put Bobby Kelly down.

Don't do it.

If she's right, if she's right, she can stay and she'd be a Jay's corner for an episode.

You're going to be, and this is not my fault.

I don't like this.

Don't do this.

I don't like this at all, but it's Lewis's thing.

I'm trying to save you.

I'm going with you, Miss.

You're so confident it's Bobby.

I'm going to say Bobby.

If it's not, as Lewis stated, you will be, and I think the word is violently thrown out.

But I'm trying to save you.

For that reason and that reason only.

Is anyone on this panel gay?

Everyone, sort of.

Zach's bisexual.

We're not gay, but we've done gay stuff.

Zach is bisexual.

This could have been Zach's origin story of turning into a bisexual.

Yeah, Zach's bisexual.

Me and Lewis, the French kissed.

He also had sex with a pocket pussy I was holding.

Yeah.

No, you.

No, no, no, no.

He jerked me off with a pocket pussy.

Oh, that's true.

I didn't move my hands.

He didn't move his dick.

No, Bobby got jerked off by his friend who played guitar for him.

Very true.

And Bobby sucked kicked for a steak.

Yeah, but it says made a move, and this girl lit it.

Wait, Bobby, we're not done yet.

Also, Lewis sucked off Bobby on stage.

Well, it was a dildo.

It was a dildo, but it was

a lot of people.

It was such a good dildo.

It was the best blowjo ever.

Hey, John, I thought Christians don't judge.

No, no, I just.

John, this could be your next chaos story.

Just for the game.

And Bobby fucked the sink.

That has nothing to do with it.

I just wanted to add another thing.

It's true.

But, John, I will tell you this, and I'll tell you this only.

Unbeknownst was auto-corrected in any one of our phones.

So if you don't know which one of us it is, don't judge on that.

Interesting.

Every year,

Lucy from the club here goes up to the festival and she comes back and tells us,

the clean Nashville comedians, what happens up there at the festival.

Oh, it's all gay shit.

Yeah.

We've heard her.

She's like, you have no idea.

We call her Lucy Fur.

Yeah.

Skank Fest is essentially just a puddle of gay sex.

I saw Jay put a gun in Lewis's ass.

Oh, yeah.

Well, and I put a gun in his ass another year different times.

And then twice, though, I put a gun in Lewis' ass.

But wait, before you think...

It's getting gayer gayer and gayer.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I guess when you lay it all out like that, it does seem like we all have to go.

You're laying it out like that.

But the thing was, what was amazing about the human body, you'll find out, is when it got to the...

I made love to his ass with a gun.

The gun,

and we played the song, We're Not Gonna Take It.

Hilarious.

Great idea.

Now, are you familiar with the song?

Good story.

Good song, yeah.

There's a breakdown.

We're not gonna take it.

There's a breakdown after the guitar solo, a cappella, hand clapping with just, we're not going to take it over and over again.

No, we're not going to take it.

At that point, I released the gun, and Lewis's.

Shot it?

His anus was able to hold on to it while we both clapped in unison.

The gun hung out.

It was.

Is this legal?

In Vegas.

Hey, John.

John, can I go to church with you this weekend?

Yeah, I think you need to.

And if you've never heard a success story from a man whose father couldn't take a knife, and then he could take a full gun.

Hey, you know what?

Fair point.

That's the power of Christ.

Amen, brother.

Yeah.

Amen.

And Lewis, it was your job to be better than your father, and you are.

I was.

You are.

So,

votes.

I'm in.

I'm in way early.

This lady's whole life is in the balance.

In middle school, me and my buddy both try to make a move in the same girl at the same time, unbeknownst to the other, while watching a movie in the dark, and she let it happen.

Buddy, if it's you, I'm going to quit.

It's going to be the Louis J.

Gomez presents Story Wars.

I really wish it was me.

Fuck.

Four days in a row, I can't take this kind of deception from you.

Four days in a row.

Jay, don't do it.

You don't know the pain of your podcast partner leaving you.

Oh.

What does that mean?

Who'd you vote for?

Big J, who'd you vote for?

Oh, Bobby, because that lady made me.

Bobby, is this you?

Yeah.

That solves it.

Bobby.

It's either Bobby or Zach.

I'm running out of ink.

Oh, no.

Zach, dude.

Dude.

Dude, Zach.

Bobby Kelly.

Everyone voted for Bobby.

Oh, fuck.

This might be Zach catching up to me right now.

Fuck.

Suck my balls, Alex.

Tell me.

This story belongs to John Chris.

Get her out.

Fucking drag her out.

Grab her by her lady, Parson.

Fucking remove her.

Drag her out by the tits.

Oh, my fucking God.

Did that guy go to go aggressively attack a lady?

Don't do that.

When I said that, he got up.

He's like, I'll take care of this, sir.

Don't.

That energy you were going to use to attack a woman.

Can I please get another double Jack Daniels and Dyke Hope?

Thank you.

John, please tell us this story.

What happened here?

I think that's the story.

I mean,

what did you guys do with her?

Holy shit, since that guy moved, miss your tits.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Wow.

Holy.

I'm sorry.

He's been in front of them the whole time.

God bless.

It was John's story.

We don't rest Catholic.

We don't do that.

Oh, my John, you piece of shit.

It was Passion of the Christ?

What?

What?

So what did you do with these girls?

Or this girl?

You look like Crona.

Something about the Passion of the Christ gets me so hot.

No, well, to be fair, I didn't know the depth of the depravity of these stories.

That was about the wildest thing I ever heard.

I thought you said you know the depth of her fucking high school pussy.

No, I didn't.

We were not allowed to do that.

Still up.

Me and Vincent, both get in here.

I was like holding her, I was holding her hand.

You were holding her hand.

And he was touching her leg, like above the knee.

Was that the move?

That was it.

That's as far as it went?

I quit.

Yes.

John?

How would you like to do the gathering of the jugglos with us next year?

Am I out of the Legion of Skanks now?

Am I?

You're on now.

You're in.

Now I'm in.

Oh, you're in.

Oh, I'm in.

Sweet.

You're so dirty, you went the other way.

Yeah.

That's making a move on a girl.

If I making a move on a girl, she wakes up an hour later.

John, by simply looking forward, have you made a move on Mr.

Tick?

I'm not making eye contact.

You know, the more we make her laugh, the more they pop out of that thing.

Get her going.

Get her going.

The best thing is there was one point where she was holding both their hands and they both went, you fucking slut.

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know you were a whore.

Oh, my God.

Damn, that is a shake-up.

Wow.

Alex, where are our points at?

This is crazy.

I'm not last anymore.

Oh, no.

And I wait.

You were last place with six points.

Is this real?

Big Jay.

Yeah.

You suck.

Big Jay is so bad at this game.

You're so bad.

You're good with them.

Big Jay.

Everyone enjoys me doing bad at this point.

It's like a thing.

Sir, did you attack a lady?

Alex.

Next up, I have a tie with eight points each.

Robert Kelly and Zach Amiko.

Ooh.

I told you I was really going to shit the bed on the side round.

Thank you.

In second place, with 14 points,

John Chris.

If I win this, if I win this game,

wow.

If you win this, you can't tell anybody.

and in first place with 16 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

John Chris is on your ass.

I'm holding on to my lead by a thread right now.

Coming for you, brother.

Wow.

I feel like if all, if like they captured someone from al-Qaeda and they put all five, like you guys interrogate, we would like, after an hour, we like, We got nothing to do.

We didn't, we came up with nothing.

We have very, very little skills in this area.

Yeah, yeah, true.

No pertinent information.

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I swapped out my old headset and the difference was night and day.

The comfort alone, crazy.

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Plus the 80-hour battery life, never had to worry about charging mid-game.

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Alex, our final story, story number eight.

Hold on.

No, what do I need to do?

I need to win this, and then somebody else,

you need to not win.

So,

if you guess the correct answer and I don't, you win.

Let's go, baby.

Wait a minute.

Is this the last question?

What if it's 20

win?

But, John, consider it's one of your stories.

It could be a sweet, it could be a landslide.

Can I ask a question?

So, this is double points.

Yes, you did.

Oh, my God, dude.

That was almost the one.

Go ahead, Alex.

Story number eight, please.

Our final story.

Story number eight.

One time on a trip, I got walked in on by housekeeping while I was masturbating, and I got so scared that I threw my phone instead of covering up.

That's not John.

Probably not John.

Most likely, Bobby.

Yes?

This could be Lewis.

We know you jerk off with your fucking.

Yeah, Jay jerks off with his phone.

I don't jerk off with my phone.

I don't jerk off my phone.

He just jumped off.

I jerk off my computer.

I have a dude.

I jerk off all my phone.

I'm all laptop.

Laptop.

Well, I can't look at such a small screen.

I got walked in on housekeeping while masturbating.

Jay likes that, actually.

That's the thing he enjoys.

No, stop.

What?

Don't tell lies about me.

I like videos of guys who do that, where they whack off and pretend they're listening to the headphones so the maid comes in and sees their wieners.

You could have stopped that.

I like videos of guys.

I do, though.

So, Bobby, what do you jerk?

Do you jerk off to your phone ever?

I use my phone all the time, but this is not me.

But Bobby also has iPads and all kinds of shit.

He jerkes so many.

He's got so many gadgets.

I bring VR on the road.

I jerk off with VR.

I do like a VR headset.

It's pretty wild.

It's the fucking best, dude.

Bobby, and Bobby, let me tell you, he's very open.

He's married for a long time now.

He's got a son at home.

He's got limited time at home.

He says, as soon as he gets into a hotel, first thing, pants off.

Hallelujah.

Spreadleg bed jerk.

That's what I did in the Airbnb we're sharing.

Oh my God.

I was there before you.

Is that what you?

Is that your naps?

It's got to be Zach.

It's Zach or Lewis.

Yeah, I agree.

I wouldn't be scared.

And I really mean this.

If a housekeeper walked in while I was jerking off, I would continue to jerk off.

I wouldn't stop.

I'd be like, you interrupted me.

Now join, lady.

Yeah.

She's so mad at you.

What?

But I believe you.

You believe me.

It's true.

It's not me.

Are you doing this to me again?

Listen to me.

I need to get this answer correct in Joshua.

It means nothing to me.

I'm I'm out.

I know.

Well, no, you're not.

Tell me the truth once in four days.

Look at me and tell me the truth.

Oh, yeah.

Jay can't win.

Jay can't win.

Tell me the truth.

It's not me, dude.

But here's the thing.

If it was me, I wouldn't want them to know that.

So I got to lie to everybody.

Don't care about them, dude.

It's just a dumb book.

What?

Whispers?

What?

Guys.

You can do that?

I can do whatever I want.

Bobby.

What?

I mean, I feel like we kind of have a rapport.

I don't trust anybody else.

I like you too, John.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not like Zach.

You have good instincts.

The Lord is your shepherd.

What I'm going back to here

is that the theme was chaos.

And some people would think this is a regular 9 to 5 activity.

Who would this be chaotic?

It would not be chaotic to me.

But it would be a mischief.

I'll tell you, that's a good point, John.

He would not care.

He would not care.

I would not care.

But Jay hates his body.

So if somebody walked in with his little dots, he'd be like, ooh, this is chaos.

I'm out of the game.

Why?

Wait, Bob, can I tell you why I agree with you?

Covering up.

Covering up.

And that's,

he showers in the dark.

Never mind a Mexican walking in.

Who is this?

My hole mole.

I told you that in confidence.

He has sex with his shirt on.

I'm telling you, it's the cover of the bread.

Oh, God, miss your tip.

I'm going, Big J.

Big J.

Something crazy about you.

Anybody else with a set, put my dick away?

Yes.

Hold on.

And Lewis doesn't jerk off.

He fucks open micers.

What does that mean?

He uses open micers as, instead of masturbating, as like a human fist.

It's like masturbating, but sadder.

It's like masturbating, but with more shitty conversation.

But better jokes.

Okay, so what.

I got to wait for you, right?

Are you waiting for me?

No, maybe I'll wait for you.

I defer because

your pod.

I am in lead.

And I will tell you right now.

Bobby, who are you going to vote?

I was going to vote for whoever you voted for, so there was no way for you to win.

That was my strategy.

That's such a piece of shit.

But I won't.

Integrity of the game.

But I won't.

Integrity Integrity of the game.

I'll vote for.

You should vote first now.

Oh, yeah, it is great, though, right?

Come on, we do love that.

Thank you, Roots.

Lewis, you can win right now.

I can win right now.

Don't be a fuck.

I think it's Big Jay.

This would absolutely be the wildest ever.

I think it's Big Jay.

If he votes, here's the thing.

I genuinely think it's Big Jay.

He could be driving you to me.

Lewis could be driving you to me.

But no, hold on, listen.

Jay, no, no, no.

He's not going to vote for the same person because there's no strategy in that.

Because if we both vote the same thing, I win no matter what.

But I'm going to vote for who I really think it is, which is Big J.

So if I were you, I would vote for one of these other guys or me

to have a chance to win.

But I genuinely.

If I won on this and this was my story, they would carry me into the streets.

And you have to let me in.

You have to let me in.

You're an immediate legend.

And you get to say double points.

They almost come out.

You know,

I called Nate.

I called Nate and asked him if I should be on the show.

And what did he say?

Yeah, he said I couldn't.

He's like, I wouldn't do it, man.

It's career suicide.

Zach hates God.

Well, not if you believe in the same God as me.

Hope you don't mind going back to clubs.

Oh, shit.

I'm going to give Big J as my final answer.

All right.

I'm locking in Bobby.

Ooh, it might be Bobby.

Fuck.

Fuck, it might be Bobby.

It's Bobby.

Oh, man.

I've been.

I've never been.

This is wild.

This is a lot of tension.

It's a lot of attention.

Should we see what the audience thinks?

Do they think it is?

Yeah, Abba, we'll have an audience vote.

If you think it's John Chris, clap your hands.

What if that's Jesus?

I see everything.

If you think it's Zach.

If it was Jesus, it would whistle when he clapped.

What?

No, come on.

No, listen.

Do not take Zach's paganism

without some humor.

That was a good one.

John, I'm sorry.

If you think it's Zach and Migo, clap your hands.

No one's clapping for this godless piece of shit.

It's either him or him.

If you think it's Bobby Kelly, clap your hands.

You know what?

I'm fucking offended at all of you.

If you think it's Big J, clap your hands.

Big J.

And if you think it's me, clap your hands.

It's a split room.

It's a split room.

It's a split room.

God damn it.

Bobby was the most.

People pull up Bobby the most.

I think they clap for the most.

No, they clap for you the most.

Oh, you're wrong.

No, I'm right.

Me.

Clap for me.

Who thinks it's me?

Okay.

Who thinks it's Big J?

It's almost exactly the same.

Wait, one more time.

Me.

Big J.

They think it's him a little bit more.

I think it's the same amount of people, though.

Well, you're all stupid Rube hillbillies.

Alex.

You guys need the power of Christ in your lives.

Alex, all of our answers are in who

was this story?

Wow, you guys.

That story belonged to Zach Amiko.

Oh, well, Zach, tell the story.

I have no idea where our points are at right now.

That's fucking crazy.

Zach,

I am.

I'm shiprocked.

Oh, my God.

You were my guest.

Opening for Jay.

Last night, somebody got psilocybin mushroom pills.

Okay.

I took one to be a nice boy, micro-tripping.

We had to go do a podcast, go back to my room, turn on the TV.

I knew I was going to have internet, so I'd saved photos.

John, earmuffs.

I don't know half these words mean.

Alex, if you could slide John off the screen for a second.

Post-pressure note.

Shiprocked is a heavy metal cruise, by the way.

I knew I was going to have internet, so I'd save photos to jerk off to.

Micro tripping on mushrooms, I thought I saw a face in the curtains, and it scared me.

So I was like, let me fucking reset.

I'm going to fucking whack my bag real quick.

Holding my phone, had TV on blast, and the guy came in to take my fucking suitcase.

It was a guy.

No one knew this was a gay story.

I know I didn't say, which it was.

And the dude, so you would think he would knock and then give it a second and then open the door because they take your bag on the last night of the cruise.

He literally knocked, opened the door, and it's me on my phone, jerking off, and I didn't know it was on the TV.

And it was Monsters University.

Not just monsters.

So it's not your fault.

Barely legal monsters.

I panicked, but I've been caught cheating so many times.

My instinct wasn't to put my dick away.

It was to throw my phone across the room.

Sorry, sir.

I wasn't seeing somebody else.

So this guy just sees me fully jerking off, looks at me and goes, stay rock and close the door.

Nice.

I don't know who won this right now.

Alex, give us our final points.

Zach, did you clean your penis with a towel elephant of some sort on that cruise?

In last place with six points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

It's been a long festival.

In third place with eight points, Robert Kelly.

In second place with 14 points, John Christ.

And tied for first place.

With 16 points each, Luis J.

Gomez and Zach Omigo.

Winner gets their own morning show on Gast Digital.

We do have a tiebreaker round.

Clearly, loser got his own fucking morning show on Guest Digital.

We do have a tiebreaker round.

The way it is going to work is Alex is going to read one more story.

It belongs to one of the three guys besides me and Zach up here.

Me and Zach have to wager an amount of our points on the back of our book.

Secret wager.

Secret wager.

And then we have to vote.

We could vote for the same person, different person.

It doesn't matter.

But this is our official tiebreaker round.

I think I speak for everybody when I say miss your tits.

Guys, are you having a great time at Story Wars tonight?

This is it.

Hey, Lewis, no matter who wins.

It's been an honor, and I love you.

And you fucking made a really great show, dude.

Oh, thank you, bro.

I appreciate it.

And Zach, I'm pretty sure John Christ hates you.

No, no, they don't hate anybody.

I don't hate anybody.

Zach, get the fuck away from my friend John Christ.

So we're going to take a moment here while Alex figures out the last story, which is going to belong to Big J, John, or Bobby.

It's

Final Jeopardy style.

So we have to put the wager first.

Yeah, on the back of your board.

Don't let me see it.

Of your 16 points.

Of your 16 points.

You got to go.

Okay.

Thank you.

13.

You can't let me see it.

What?

You can't let me see it.

Okay, sorry.

Yeah.

Miss, if you could use your tits to

no, no.

Okay.

Really?

Me and Bobby do we we should start a pod.

Yeah,

dude.

Yeah, dude.

I'll do anything you, John.

Anything.

I'll do it with you.

Let's hook up.

Not like that, you fucking perverts.

John, Bobby is a guy.

He said, do it.

Despite Bobby's filthy, godless life, this is a guy that still prays.

It's very weird.

Yeah.

Nothing's wrong with it.

It's just weird that he does.

Alex.

Lewis Lily's praise on women.

Yeah, it's just spelled different.

Alex, our wagers are in.

All right.

Overtime story.

Story number nine.

I split my pants at a wedding.

Both of you vote for Bobby and see who voted more, put more points in.

It's 100% of John's story.

It's not me.

I heard that.

I mean, the fact that John would think that John would think that's chaotic.

100%.

That is chaos, David.

That is chaos.

That's right.

He did think that.

That's actually.

He did think handholding was fucking.

That's actually normal for me.

I actually have to bring an extra pair of pants to every wedding I go to.

He did equate a blowjob to a knee touch.

If it was Bobby, it would say I had banana splits at a wedding.

yeah there's a banana split bar dude fat dude

yeah Bob you fat fuck

wait a minute that'll earn them

wait a minute

yeah I mean

yeah I mean it just

fuck

I mean you guys gotta talk it out I want this so bad you do want it so bad I mean I gotta go

but I feel

this could be a fucking deception though this could it could be jay

trying to have a jay bobby chain it doesn't say i split my jorts

i buy those baggies so it doesn't happen i lost my chain wallet at a wedding

just the chain it doesn't go to a wallet yeah i mean this could be a bobby callie story as well bobby i feel like it's

splits pants once a month i thought this was the title of his next special

Wait, Jay and Bobby, who who are we siding with?

Who do we trying to help here?

Are we trying to help him or him?

Well, you're not trying to help anyone.

Well, he might be.

See, now we're out.

We're done, right?

We're out of the game.

We're out.

He's trying to get you guys over to some other spot with that shit.

I didn't realize.

I just believed him.

I didn't think he was taking over to fucking throw us off track.

Oh, shit.

I'm going fucking John Chris.

I'm going John and let's just base it on wager.

Fuck off.

Fuck it.

I love you very much, buddy.

Whoever wins, Lewis, you're my best friend, and I love you so much.

I love you so much, Zach.

This is so way over dramatic, unless you guys put the same exact scores up.

Alex, show the score.

Wait, wait, wait.

Do you show the score first?

No, after.

Okay.

This story belongs to Robert Kelly.

Hey, boys.

What an unchaotic story to have in there.

I've told you that I split my...

I went to Colin Quinn's wedding and the first dance.

I got carried away with Prince.

They were playing a Prince song.

Should I do a split?

And I, no, I tried to just make a move and my pants just split down the middle.

And I had to leave his wedding.

You touched a girl's hand.

You made a move.

Zach, how many points did you wager?

14.

14?

14.

I wagered six points.

It looks like the book stays here.

We get to keep our brand new copy of Lisa Strada, where Parker learns hard into the comedy.

The jokes land, the insults sting, and the raunch is profoundly front and center.

But underneath the laughs, the play is still asking serious questions about power protest and how far people will go to make change, especially when they're not the ones in charge.

wow.

Liz Estrada stays right here.

I'm so happy to be the most winningest story warrior.

Did you win every fucking day?

It's lopsided.

Like her tits.

Wait, I have to say something.

Yes, you're a tits.

Wait, Lou, I gotta tell you something.

What's that?

Bobby won you this game.

Why do you think that?

Because I wrote four.

Bobby went really,

and I put a one in front of him.

Wow.

I was just saying words.

Bobby.

Bobby mind fucked me out of this game.

Not meaning to.

But I need you to know.

I love you and I'm happy for you.

I love you too, baby.

Zach, that's nonsense.

You love Satan.

You.

Bobby hurt you just now.

You're hurt by him.

He fucking leaned the game on you.

You let the fucking bullets.

Guys, thank you so much for coming out to Story Wars tonight.

Thank you very much.

Clap it up for your panel.

John Chris, Zach Amiko, the great Robert Kelly.

I'm Big Jay Ogerson.

I'm the Puerto Rican Radicalistic Luis J.

Gomez.

We'll catch you next time on Story Wars.

Until then, peace.