039. Yakov Smirnoff, Elle King, & Jared Freid| Restaurants

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the gas.

Jamie's Nashville eight story wars with the Story Warriors, Warriors, Big Jay Ogerson and Louis Jay Gomez

What's up Nashville Comedy Festival night three?

Oh yeah.

Are we here for night three of Story Wars?

Wild.

Do I even have to ask him?

First of all, we are your Story Warriors, Big Jay Ogres and the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake.

Louis Jay Gomez, thank you guys so much for being here.

This is great.

Who in this room is familiar with the game Story Wars?

Who is not familiar with the game Story Wars?

That's impossible.

A couple people back there.

Some people are on the fence?

Let me ask a different question.

Who has been at another Story Wars during this festival here in this room?

Okay, so it's a bunch of new people.

It's been so much fun so far.

You guys missed some great shows.

You guys missed some great ones, you dumb pieces of shit.

But you came tonight, and tonight is going to be a fantastic night with amazing contestants, everybody.

Our first,

our first, because you were on my foot.

Our first contestant, you know him from his special 37 and single, available right now on Netflix.

How about it for the hilarious Jared Freed, everybody?

Come on, shake your body, baby.

Do that gunk.

I know.

You can't control yourself any longer.

Come on, shake your body, baby, do that gunk.

i know you can't control yourself any longer

thank you thank you great to be here welcome to story wars jared you look great thank you you everyone looks wonderful i feel like he's lying to us yeah

i'm sorry i tried it looks like you tried to say it for real and looked at us both and went you uh

i definitely gave up midway through

and our second contestant uh this woman uh first time on story wars first time on a comedic comedic stage ever, just had a baby three weeks ago, and this is her first night out, clapping up for the one and only, L King.

Elle, thank you so much for being here and joining the show.

You are way bigger than this.

And last but certainly not least, our final contestant, everybody, a comedy legend from Russia from the tonight show, Showtime, the Comedy Couch podcast.

Make some noise for the legend, the hilarious Yaakov Smirnov, everybody.

Fantastic choice, Harrington.

Right on the nose, they call that.

If you are not familiar with Story Wars, or if you're listening at home for the first time, quick explanation of the game.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis?

Tonight's subject is restaurants.

Restaurants.

Our lovely producer, Alex, will read eight of those stories off one at a time.

We will see them on this monitor.

When the story comes up, if it's your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody else that it's not your story.

If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And for every story you guess correctly, you get two points.

Every time you fool somebody, you get one point.

Once you write your vote or your guess on the dry race board and put it in the slot and remove your hand, that is it.

That is your final answer.

And, you know, we are playing for fun.

We have a great time here on Story Wars, but that's not all we're playing for.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for tonight.

It gets pretty serious in here when you find out what we're playing for.

It's a book always from the Story Wars library.

Tonight, the winner will be taking home a brand new copy of City Bird and Other Poems by Patrick James Dunagan.

City Bird and Other Poems is a love letter to San Francisco, not the postcard version, but the real thing.

Cracked sidewalks, smoky bars, endless fog, and all.

Patrick James Dunagan writes like a man who's walked every block and felt something on each corner.

Brand new copy, City Bird and Other Poems.

It's a really good book.

I masturbated to it last night.

That's right.

So now you can have a fresh copy.

I love it.

You can re-ruin the same pages all over.

I'll squirt all over it again.

I love the audience.

This is just great.

This audience is jacked.

The community you've put together is just unbelievable.

Yes, these are the Story Warriors they're here to represent.

And I tell you,

they're ready for war.

Alex, with no further ado,

what have you done?

Well, we'll start with that.

Everyone came straight from their AA meeting.

Oh, Jared, this is going to get much weirder to you as the show goes on.

I can't believe there was an Arsenio Hall-style hoot that just happened.

What do you mean?

Arsenio Hall?

Is that the name?

I've never heard of him.

I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, sorry.

We are completely unique and original.

Oh, okay.

Lewis, get him to hoot one more time, why don't you?

Thank you, Roots.

We also have the roots off camera.

We don't pay them to be here on camera, but they're Black Thought and the guys.

Yakov did El Senio like three times.

I did.

I did.

Without any further ado, Alex.

Story number one.

Story number one.

I was drunk drunk in a restaurant bathroom and took my shirt off while pooping.

A child crawled under the door to my stall and looked up at me screaming that I was naked until a parent dragged them out.

Well, I want it to be L.

I don't think it is.

I don't think it is.

I mean, this could be

Jared's a good-looking guy.

I can see you taking your shirt off for a poop.

Jay's not pooping in public or taking a shirt off.

I wouldn't poop public and take my shirt off in any situation at a restaurant for sure.

But let me just say, guys, Jay was terrible at this game, but he's getting much better.

And this could be Jay throwing everyone off because this is something that two things that Jay wouldn't do.

Right.

I wouldn't do them.

Why wouldn't he do them?

Well,

thanks for asking.

I'm fat and insecure, and I don't like to be the guy who just shit and fat and shirtless.

But you do like when children look at you naked.

I do love that.

No, I don't look at them.

I don't look at them.

And your fatness would heat you up to need to take off a shirt.

It seems meaner when you say it.

Right.

Yakov is rushing, so he's probably drunk all the time, I would assume.

It's possible as a teenager.

It's possible.

Yeah, they taught us how to drink when we were young, like 16 years old.

You got to finish a bottle of vodka.

Otherwise, you're not a man.

And then maybe you would take your shirt off in a bathroom while you were taking a dump.

I wouldn't remember.

That's true.

I would say that, too, if the story ended with a child looking at me naked.

I don't remember.

Well, in Russia, they don't have heat, so I'm assuming you're not taking your clothes off.

Lewis,

Russia isn't only the stuff you saw in Rocky IV.

I keep telling you that.

You got to go to the place.

You got to go to the place.

Not just a whole country making a machine of a man to take down our best black.

Yes, I am.

Whichever one, whoever wins this war is fine with me.

I'll go with that.

Jared,

this has you written all over it.

You're a handsome enough guy that I know handsome guys don't mind telling fart and shit stories.

That's true.

Because it's still somehow the girls are like, oh, he's human.

I'm going to go with Jared Fried.

Pow.

I'm thinking this could be Elle.

She was just pregnant, right?

When you start pooping, you're sweating.

You know, you're, you know, you're getting all freaky and weird.

Your nipples are probably shooting milk out of them.

You don't want to get milk and poop on your shirt.

So, Lewis, are you doing pornographic ASMR right now?

Leaking with fluids, just the slurping of a baby.

I don't know how many

dads take their kids into the bathrooms like that's weird

but I just also feel like it's you you seem like you wear like button downs a lot are you wearing one right now

I know that's a zipper but like I feel like you wear a lot of layers oh that's a T.

Oh that's nice that could come off easy

no if you're taking a shit you could really rip open a button down like a real especially here in Nashville tell them snap shirts crack

I think it's Yakov.

Look at him.

Take off that jacket right now.

Damn.

That didn't take a lot to get.

Why is Yakoff in the best shape on this stage?

It's making me furious.

I didn't know.

Yakoff is 76 years old.

I didn't know you were hiding that Putin body under there.

I have a young wife, and I grew up near Chernobyl.

That's why I look like that.

You're a mutant.

I'm putting it in first.

Jared?

My first instinct was Jared.

My second guess was L.

But Big J could be playing a fucking crazy game now.

He's gotten so much better just during this trip.

I mean, he still has never won a game, but he's still 3-37.

3-35.

Someone told me there's a fourth one you missed.

Ooh, someone said that.

Jared, was this you?

No.

He hesitated.

No, it wasn't.

I think it's Yakoff.

Oh, wait, before everybody puts it in there, I've already voted, and I do this a lot.

I go early, and I don't want to fuck this up.

This could be Lewis.

I don't know why I didn't think at all.

This could be Lewis.

I think I always look this way, but I forgot this is completely a Lewis situation.

Lewis sweats profusely.

I do.

If I'm eating something spicy, we went to Hattie B's earlier on today, and I'm just pouring fucking spices.

We went to Hattie B's, and two workers came over to ask if he was okay.

They asked if they should turn the heat down.

They asked several questions, and he was falling to pieces and using a lot of napkins.

This could be Lewis.

He gets hot, he will poop in public, and he encourages, not only welcomes, but encourages children to come watch him shit.

I don't know why we're looking over the fact that Yaakov moved to this country and experienced the freedom of America and was like, holy shit, I'm going to rip off my shirt in this fucking IHOP bathroom.

It is ultimate freedom.

Right.

Oh, I didn't think about that.

Like, this was a moment where he was like, I'm not living like this anymore.

It's the most liberating thing in the world.

L brought up a point that I'd even consider the fact that, like, yeah, typically it's a mom that brings a child into the bathroom that would drag the child out from underneath.

So, I'm gonna go with my instinct, which is L

King,

the only mom on this stage.

Ooh,

ooh, ooh, it's all over the place.

All right, pop it in.

Everybody

has

there,

final answers in

Alex?

If this is Lewis, I'm going to be.

It is.

He closed the pen fast.

He's excited.

You cock.

You cock.

Come on.

That story belongs to Jared Freed.

Fuck.

Oh, thank God.

First instance.

Oh, thank God.

So, Jared, the story's pretty much what we said.

You're super hot.

Love taking your shirt off, taking a shit.

I love

having my shirt off during a dump.

I was in Freeport, Maine, and I was at a bathroom at an IHOP and

went in.

You don't realize when your shirt's off while you're shitting, you are naked.

Well, you take your shirt off and you're like, I'm out getting naked.

I'm just taking my shirt off.

Then you pull your pants down, you're like, oh, I'm naked.

Through the mouth of babes, because

this kid ran into the bathroom, ran ahead of, there was a line of like 10 people.

I was hammer drunk and

ran ahead of the line, got under the divider and started screaming, he's naked, he's naked.

And I said, kid, you're right.

I

never would have thought of it that way.

Because pants on ankles, shirt off on the handicap rail.

That's where you hang it up.

You took the handicap stall, you piece of shit.

There is more room.

It's nice.

You can do a little dance.

Well, when you have the choice, you know, you want to go to the

point.

Did you hear another man's voice go, hey kid, wrong stall?

So, yeah, then the kid got dragged out from underneath by his legs, and then I had to walk by the whole line, and they just looked at me like I was a fucking pedophile.

You know,

I was like, he ran in on me.

Do you take your shirt off at most public shits?

Most dumps, I try to have a shirtless.

Why?

Why not?

What do you?

It's America.

What a country.

Right, that's What a country.

Jay has to take up a chain wallet, some accessories, some fucking

beef.

You definitely can hear when my pants hit the floor.

It's like a ghost taking a shit, just chains and everything smacked the ground.

Alex.

The coast of the Christmas past needs to take a dump once in a while.

Alex, what is our point spread after one story?

All right, after story number one, I have Jared Freed with one point.

That's right.

And tied for the lead with two points each.

Big Jay Okerson, L.

King, and Yakov Smirnag.

Wait.

Where does that lead Lewis?

Don't be an asshole.

It's a first story.

I just want to know where the game stands, Lewis.

Alex, for reference?

Lewis has zero points.

That's all good.

They're still with me.

All right, Jay, let's take a quick moment and thank Mando for supporting today's show.

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Enjoy, Mando.

All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

Recently, I was served spoiled potato salad at a restaurant overseas.

I kept eating it trying to place what the flavor was.

The flavor was spoiled milk.

I mean that just sounds like food in Russia.

Right.

Very funny.

It says overseas.

More importantly, that's an old man's story.

That is true.

I'm having potato salad at the restaurant overseas, and all of a sudden I'm like, what is this?

Spelled spoiled milk?

Sounds like my Jewish dad would say that.

It was the story of an older gentleman, for sure.

I was going to say this was, oh, she tours a bunch, and she was overseas.

But I don't know what's...

That's a boomer.

Yakov, this has you written all over it.

Yeah, I almost just pointed because it really just is giving you, you know.

Can you say potato salad for me?

Potato salad.

Oh, man, that's what I was hoping for.

That is exactly.

That was ASMR.

That itched my balls a little bit.

Just hear, I needed to hear him say potato salad.

So satisfying, yeah, it felt good.

I'm trying to imagine this as anybody else but Yakov, and I can't.

Overseas is such an old-man word.

No offense, not that you're that old.

You look better than everyone else.

No, you look amazing.

This is not, you know, but can you see Yaakov in his underwear in front of the fridge eating potato salad with a fork from the tub?

He's like, is this spoiling?

I can't see him any other way.

He's got to go to his young wife and be like, smell this.

It turns her on, okay.

That's all we make him taste it, and you go, spoiled milk, right?

Oh, why'd you let me try it?

Yeah, this, oof.

I want to believe it's anybody else.

Also, Lewis could be throwing us off yet again.

Lewis has gone overseas recently.

I go overseas every year, two, three times.

He loves potato salad.

Oh.

Does he?

No, I don't do carbs very often, my friend.

No, but

he takes a lot of people to Jamaica.

Truman.

And they hire

a local slave to

cook them meals.

I see you looking down.

I'm not there.

I don't go to this.

Yeah.

I don't believe this.

And you also can't call them that.

They're not happy if you call them slaves.

You have to call them the help.

Oh, the help.

Sorry.

And they come in and they're like, Mr.

Lewis, I whacked up some other more food for you.

And potato salad sounds like a very

Jamaican dish.

Jamaican returns.

Potato salad sounds like a Jamaican dish.

Well,

the milk was spoiled because they have to import it.

They don't have cows there.

This could be Lewis.

Are we overlooking the fact that Elle was recently pregnant?

Potato salad feels like a pregnancy food.

It's true.

Right?

I ate the fucking shitload of potato salad pregnant.

But if I took one bite and was like, this shit tastes funny, not like an old man would say, I kept eating you trying to place what the flavor was.

No, I would fucking spit that shit out.

This makes me think it's Elle even more.

She attacked Yakov just now.

She really did.

She turned hard.

I didn't see it in her.

I would say that's her.

Guilty.

Wait a minute.

Yakov, say, say spoiled.

Spoiled.

Yeah.

That, I don't know.

Damn it, I'm back to him.

Yakov has the pest word.

She wanted to point at me for this potato salad.

I think it's her.

Yakov, just say they ran out of coleslaw, so I got the potato salad.

They ran out of coleslaw,

so I got a potato salad.

It's him.

It's him.

It's him.

There's nobody else that could have a lot of people.

I sound like Andrew Dice Clay, all the sudden.

So I got a potato salad.

Oh!

Oh.

He's trying to throw us off the scent.

The other thing, Jay is throwing a lot of accusations out as well, which very often is a tell for Jay, but you've not been overseas.

I am also, I am an old Jew who enjoys a potato salad.

When's the last time you were overseas?

Shit.

Fuck.

It's been a while.

Yeah, Jay doesn't go overseas all day long.

Jay is getting into his potato salad years.

I am.

I'm going to make my own, though, I think.

I love a potato salad.

And you know what I'll put in it?

A little relish.

I'll put some non-spoiled milk in mine.

Because of that one time you had spoiled milk.

This could be Lewis.

Lewis does travel a lot.

He goes overseas a lot.

Yeah, I do.

He takes his son places.

That sounds like a father-son snack, a little potato salad.

I'll never take him to an I-Hot bathroom when Jared's there.

Hell no.

Yeah, that much.

Or unless you go, hey, son, you want to see a naked man?

Stall three.

I mean I want to see a guy living his best life

in the handicap zone that's right I'm going with my original instinct this sounds like a Yakov story the whole thing just sounds it screams Yakov

could be L

you guys

Elle's got money she's not going to Europe and having potato salad no I recently just got really bad potato salad from Publix and I spat that shit out so it's definitely not me

She's pointing at him, though.

Now, fuck, I can't change my answer.

The way she's doing this makes me think it's her.

I think it's her now.

Fuck.

Yeah.

It's the letter.

You think it's me?

That's how you spell it in Russian.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

You should put a crown on it.

Oh, this is.

I'm last, but

fuck.

All right.

I'm going to go on with, I'm going to go with Yakov.

This, I, fuck.

Let me tell you something.

I just met Elle for the first time tonight.

I would be impressed to find out that she is that unscrupulous of a liar.

She looked me right in the face, and I believed every word she said.

So just know, if it's her, I'm hurt.

Alex, whose story is it?

This story belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

Clean the fuck up, Jay.

Make fun of my zero points now, bitch.

Wow.

That is.

I did it again.

I was in Jamaica.

I told everybody, let's stop before we vote crazy for Yakov.

This could be Lewis.

But is Jamaica really like overseas?

Like, you can say that wherever you are.

Overseas.

Yeah, that's it.

It's literally overseas.

I mean, like, I'll see.

It's, yeah.

Overseas is crazy to call Jamaica.

Well, I didn't want to.

I say Jamaica.

It's trash farther, so yeah.

Yeah, no, that's overseas.

That's overseas, in my opinion.

I was in Jamaica, and it wasn't at the villa.

It was, I stayed at the Rock House Hotel.

Beautiful hotel, incredible hotel.

The restaurant there was so fucking good.

Everything was delicious.

Did it serve potato salad?

Except this shitty potato salad.

I got it and I was sitting there.

I was going, I love potato salad.

I was like, this is, and then I thought it was like a flavoring that I wasn't free.

I was like, what is this?

I know this flavor.

I kept on eating it.

It's not really good.

And I kept on eating it.

And meanwhile, by the way, I'm not noticing other people are sending their potato salad back in the background.

I'm like, more for me.

Are you?

No, no, I'll take that.

I'll take that.

And yeah, and then after, and then as soon as it hit me, I was like, oh, that's just spoiled milk.

Then I got very nauseous and I sent it back.

They did nothing.

They still charged me for it.

It was crazy.

What?

Yeah.

Did you pay?

No, I was like, no, you have to take this off the bill, you dumb Jamaicans.

Nice.

I got ready to go.

Is the island of Aruba paying you to tell this story?

But no, it was still a great hotel.

Incredible hotel.

Terrible potato salad.

The worst potato.

Worst potato salad I've ever had in my entire life.

Was that your Yelp review?

Ruba.

It was fantastic.

The views are amazing.

The potato salad.

It's not even on the beach.

Your room is in a cliff.

You jump off of the cliff from your room.

It's pretty sick.

Pretty sick.

The Rolling Stones used to stay there.

Anyway, Alex, Alex, where are our points at?

On the scoreboard with one point, Jared Freed.

That one point.

That's sarcasm.

Tied for second place with two points each.

Big Jay Okerson, L.

King, and Jakov Smirno.

We're all fine.

We're fine.

We're fine.

And in the lead with four points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Woo, woo, woo.

Thank you, Roots.

Fuck.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

Ruby Tuesdays is the only restaurant I've ever taken a dump in.

L.

King.

She just laughed.

She couldn't believe she wrote it.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I love fucking Ruby Tuesdays so much.

I'm not going to lie, I will say, I love Ruby Tuesdays, but maybe too much to take a dump there.

Last place with a salad bar.

And their croutons

are

rye bread.

No?

Pumpernickel.

That's pretty good.

That's an.

I've taken a lot of shits at Ruby Tuesdays about shit information.

I do not know.

He shades about shit in public, but he has shit in public.

And they're all in the shit.

The fact that there's only one restaurant that he's ever done.

This is screaming of big democracy.

I've told every, I've had this shit in public story ever on stage.

That's not true.

100%.

I feel like you would poop in public at a lot of different places.

You're wrong.

Oh, really?

I'm very prissy.

Okay.

I didn't get that vibe.

I understand.

I did get that vibe from him.

From you, I know, but it doesn't pay for it.

You're like a proper gentleman.

Elle, just so you understand, Lewis one time checked two knuckles deep into my butt to make sure there's no brown.

No, no, no, listen.

There wasn't any.

And there was nothing.

There was no brown.

I put a napkin around my finger first.

Put a napkin around his finger.

Put a napkin around my finger.

It was a bet.

Nothing.

Jay's like, I wiped so, he was like, I wipe so crazy.

You can go two knuckles deep into my asshole.

You won't find any shit.

And I was like, bullshit.

Everyone's got a little poop up there.

And then we had to go to the bathroom, took a break from the podcast at the Creaking Cave.

I wrapped a napkin around my finger.

Don't be, you guys are gay, not us.

This guy

is.

This is like a story of our friends.

Your behavior towards this is disgusting.

I know you guys had a lot of doubts.

I do think this show is going to sell to Disney Plus.

I don't know.

That was a confident phone call I made you, Jared.

Do you think they'll take it?

Yeah.

Well, if you tell the poop knuckle story.

Well, no, there was no poop.

That's the story.

My bet initially was that you could.

Excuse me.

My bet initially was that you could put a blow pop up there, take it out, and safely consume it without any worries of, what would that be, botulism, hep C?

Yeah.

Where did this conversation happen?

Is this like your subtle way of coming out or is that...

This is not subtle.

It's not subtle.

Yakov, the things me and Lewis have done on camera would have our fingernails ripped off in your mother country.

More than that,

the government would shock us or do something to change our ways.

Yakov, are you a big public pooper?

Do you go to poop in public a lot?

You travel a lot.

I do.

I travel a lot.

I tried to stay away from Ruby Tuesday because of the

salad bar and croutons.

Oh,

but they're pumpernickel.

That's why I stay away from there.

Yeah, but I will go to the bathroom if I have to.

Yeah.

But I might go somewhere else.

At McDonald's across the street or something.

So

women aren't telling poop stories.

This is not Elle.

No one would ever do that to herself.

But Elle is pretty cool.

She got face tattoos.

She poops in public.

She shows, don't go in there for 45 minutes

unless you love it, sluts.

Elle's a problem.

Never mind.

I just don't think it's you because you already talked about shitting and IHOP, so you're like more free and like shirtless.

I just, I think you're such a gentleman.

That I would not go to the no that yeah, no, no, that you're you're picky.

I'm

but

I still would go somewhere.

Like that's too nice of an establishment, Ruby Juse?

No.

No.

I would still go if I have to.

Let's put it this way.

Jared, we know it's not Jared because

he said the other one was an IHOP.

Yeah.

So this wouldn't be the only place you've shit.

I can't, you know.

You can't lie on the show, so.

You can lie now, but you can't lie in the stories.

No, this is.

It isn't me.

I got to say that.

Well, no, I'm saying I don't think it's you because you said you've

shit.

You said

that.

If it was only one place you've shit, it would have been IHOP.

Lewis.

I've shit everywhere.

Have you ever lived near a Ruby Tuesdays?

There was a Ruby Tuesdays at the Nanuette Mall where I grew up, and I never once have been inside of it.

I would go to Fridays.

I chose one day, one restaurant, Fridays, it was.

I'm a loyalist to Fridays.

Jack Daniels saw so, right?

Pretty sick.

I think this is very obviously Big J.

Yeah.

Really?

I'm with you, Lewis.

I really think it's Big Jay.

You can't know that.

Is that like a salad bar?

No, because you don't really like pooping in public, and the fact that there's only been one restaurant kind of checks out with you.

Do you shit in a bunch of restaurants?

Yes.

Or a piece of garbage trash.

Do you poop on Tuesday in one or Ruby Tuesday in one restaurant, then go to Fridays?

On alternating days, yes.

On Fridays?

And then Starbucks.

I have shit in several Starbucks.

Starbucks are nice shits.

Well, you're by yourself.

The problem is a line will gather.

And I really, while I leave all my clothes on except my pants,

I do take a shit for a real walk, if you know what I mean.

I check in on some local news.

Maybe some of you.

I call Jay in the morning sometimes and he'll be like, hey, dude, I got to call you back in an hour.

I'm taking your shit.

I was like, how long are your shits?

It depends.

How far.

He wears depends.

That's why he your shit is.

I wear depends.

Yeah.

Yeah, it depends, man.

How much does WorldStar have updated that day?

Your phone is covered in shit speckles.

No.

Lewis, you think I clean my asshole, Pristine, and leave my phone all shitty?

Does that make sense to you?

Get your head out of your shitty ass.

I'm going, Big J.

Oaks.

Are you really?

You're a jerk off.

Now he's trying to.

Oh, and he convinced you all of a sudden.

I just can't see Yakov sending in this story.

L.

Is there a Ruby Tuesdays here in Nashville?

I'm thinking I'm going to go Elle because dump.

L.

The word dump is not a throw-off, but like she would think maybe that we wouldn't think that was her.

That's a dump.

Elle's not sending in a poop story.

This is Big J.

Don't even wish her.

I want everyone to not get their points right now.

If you want to see that.

Elle goes at the outback and calls it an awesome blossom.

That was a good joke, Jared.

Wow.

Wow.

It's how much you knew about it.

This Puerto Rican flim flam car salesman fucking change you all answers to me.

Sons of bitches.

Well, go ahead, Alex.

Make them feel stupid.

There's no reason for this whole show, Jay.

It's you.

There is no reason for this whole show because it is Big Jay Ogre.

Pumpernickel croutons are a really

tucked cruiser.

And they were like soft and crispy.

Damn, they were good.

Yeah, I mean, the story is almost as simple as that.

I was at a Ruby Tuesdays really enjoying my salad bar.

And then I got some kind of a weird fucking, I'm sure frozen few minutes ago steak.

And in the middle of it, it just took over and I had to go break the seal for the first time ever.

I shit in a restaurant.

What was this?

15 years ago?

Wow.

I think half the room's about to commit suicide from that story.

Why?

Because they're upset that I don't shit in public.

Don't feel sad for me, gang.

It is imagining.

Yeah, I won't.

I've shit

my pants by accident not shitting in public.

No, I know.

I know how against it you are.

I don't like it.

The few times I've done it, like a nightmare happens.

The one time, I told you, the first one I stopped at a rest stop, went in in the handicap stall, and a guy kicked in the door next to me and screamed no while he shit the whole time.

The entire length of the sheet was screaming no, and like different things where I was like, no, no, no.

Alex, after three stories, what is our point spread?

All right.

In last place with two points, Yakov smeared off.

Hello, Yakov.

Tied for third place with three points each.

Big J and Jared.

Okay.

In second place with four points, L.

King.

And in first place with six points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Six points like the star, David.

Fuck.

Yo, it's Louis J.

Gomez.

And Big Jay Okerson coming at you from Story Wars,

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Straight out the box, these things are comfier than my couch.

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Other brands, forget it.

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And they've got pants, jackets, the whole deal, son.

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Jay, you think these boots could survive your stand-up rants?

Survive?

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Yeah, boy.

Alex.

Sorry.

No, you go.

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

I drove a Rolls-Royce to get free dinner at Denny's on my birthday.

It's not Big J.

It's not

D.

It's not tater salad either.

I mean, this is obviously L or Yakov.

Yeah.

L or Yak.

It could be Yakov.

But my instinct was L.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That's so nice.

But it's a really good idea that I will take from you because I believe it's you.

What?

Do you eat free dinner driving the Rolls-Royce?

Yeah, I mean.

Why would you do that?

It's the most American thing you can do, Yakov.

It's a good point.

I think they still do that.

Maybe I should do it on my birthday.

Do you get free dinner at Denny's on your birthday?

Ooh.

This guy knows.

How would they know?

Do you have a show ID?

What if I just,

you could just make a fake ID?

Did you make a fake ID to just get free food from Denny's?

You've gone above and beyond.

You just want to commit a crime.

I could just eat.

I could just go on a Denny's eating spree across America and never pay for food.

It's my birthday again.

I'll have the usual.

Free dinner on your birthday is wild anything off the menu

Grand Slam.

I don't know what that you guys are trash.

I don't know what any of this stuff is

This is hell.

She doesn't know what to do with her money

She wants to be regular, but she wants to show up big time.

I'm just like you eating at Danny's in my Rolls-Royce.

What type of car do you drive, Al?

A Volkswagen, but I have multiple cars.

You have multiple cars.

Okay, Bragger.

Well, I got classic trucks, motherfucker.

I wouldn't get a Rolls-Royce.

This is Yakoff, no question.

Very possible.

That comes from a time where a Rolls-Royce would make black guys high-five.

You pull up the dude Arsenio and a fucking thing.

He goes, Oh, okay, okay.

Yakoff.

That was my Arsenio.

Keep going.

For Yakoff.

I wish I had the Rolls-Royce.

This is the most made-it in the 80s story I've ever fucking heard.

That was night court money.

No, they don't pay that much.

No.

I mean, it's also, it doesn't mean you own a Rolls-Royce.

Just as I drove a Rolls-Royce,

you bum the Rolls-Royce to go to the pleas.

You bum one from somebody.

somebody.

Ah, shit.

I'm going.

My first instinct was L.

I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

Oh, wow.

Really?

Lock it in.

Lucky you.

Lock it in.

I can.

Oh, look at Lewis copying.

I'm not copying.

I'm just going with my actual instincts.

That's a queen's crown.

It's a king's crown.

L King.

I don't know.

I'm kind of doubting.

It feels like maybe something that you would do.

I don't know.

Oh, now Elle's energy is making it.

It's like classy if you did it and just like trashy if you did it.

I would do it.

Elle starts whispering when she's lying.

It's one of her major tells that I've got to.

Oh, should I just trust my fucking butt?

Trust your butt.

I don't know.

L.

King.

Trust your butt.

Big Jay.

That's a crazy vote.

It's a crazy vote.

But it's not so

crazy.

When the answer is L.

King.

Oh, dude, if it was you, I thought you were going to be like, it's not crazy.

Crazy well.

I was like, oh, no, I don't know know Rolls-Royce.

Well, I start crying and go, I invited you to go with me to Denny Saturday.

I told you it was my birthday, and you said you had other stuff to do.

I said, I read it in Rolls, dude.

It's no big deal.

I said it was no big deal, but it was.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

That story belongs to Yakoff.

Yes.

My guy, classy guy.

Damn.

Jared, you nailed it.

Well,

what happened is that I actually bought a Rolls-Royce in England and brought it to America.

And

amphibious?

Huh?

Oh, you said that on a boat.

It's a right-hand drive, yeah.

But yeah.

You a Rolls-Royce and Feival Mouse coming over to America.

So I was proud of it.

And I thought it was kind of a funny thing to do is to go get a breakfast

or dinner in Denny's on my birthday.

And it was my birthday.

And I ate crow

because

there's a lot of people there who could not afford

dinner.

And I was preloading.

So I learned my lesson.

And then I tried to buy everybody in Denny's dinner.

Let's say you backed 20, 40 bucks.

And most people accepted it, but one couple said, no, I'm sorry.

I'm buying my wife a dinner.

You're not.

So that was my, I learned my lesson.

I didn't realize it was going to be such a downer of a story.

I think everybody was laughing, like, oh, shit, it's Yago Spirito.

Well, then he fucked the guy's wife.

Moon's over in Miami.

He's like, everyone thought I was a piece of shit, and then I tried to make it right, and they said, no.

No, yeah.

But some people took it.

Oh, most of them did.

Yes.

Did you sign autographs and stuff?

Yes.

On the napkins, yeah.

How long ago was it?

80s, sometime,

yeah, sometime in the 80s.

Wow, that's fucking crazy.

You got chewed out for driving a Rolls-Royce.

If you were black, they would have celebrated you.

That was your problem.

Yeah.

Not being black.

Being black Russian, yeah.

Next to admitting.

Yeah.

A black Russian.

That's the scariest thing I've ever written down in my dream journal.

The scariest whites mixed with the scariest other.

Anything else?

The scariest whites mixed with the scariest rest of it?

Oh, shit.

Alex, we're four stories in.

What is our point spread at?

All right.

On the scoreboard, in last place with three points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Really?

Good.

That's what you get for throwing it in my face.

Next up with four points, L.

King.

Tied with five points each, Jared Freed and Yakov Smirnoff.

And in the lead with six points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

All right, we're at our halfway point in the game, which means that we usually do plugs.

If you guys got anything you want to plug, this is probably coming out in about a month.

So if there's anything you want to plug, touring dates, website, whatever it is.

I'm going to be in this room Saturday at 4 p.m.

doing my one-hour show.

So if anyone want to come see my show, that would be great.

And then I have my theater in Branson, Missouri, where I perform regularly.

And so it's on my website.

And then I tour around the country.

You have your own theater?

I have 2,000 seat theater.

What the fuck?

I should have guessed it was his story

in Branson, Missouri.

Branson, Missouri.

I've been there for 32 years

and it's because you know when I was playing Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, Tahoe, but then Soviet Union collapsed and none of my contracts were renewed.

So I started looking for a place where they did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed.

I ended up in Branson, Missouri.

Was that a fan, I think, when they did...

Jakob Spirovi goes, I miss old Soviet Union.

Yeah, it's coming back.

So anyway.

New metal and Soviet Union.

Love it.

L King?

Honestly, I just had a baby and this was how I got the fuck out of the house.

Yeah.

So, like, I'm down to take a shot and see where the night goes.

You know, maybe someone can drive me home.

I'm going to fuck L.

King tonight.

Dude, that'd be dope.

Get L.

King in the family, dude.

That'd be pretty fucking dope.

She's cool.

Jared?

I'm going to be taking a shit in the handicap bath with Megan

after the show.

So if you yell over the door, just say what's up.

Please don't steal my shirt.

Yeah.

don't let any of your kids out.

Otherwise, there's a special on Netflix 37 single.

You can watch it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Watch that.

Big J.

BigJcomedy.com for all my dates or punchup.live slash Big J Okerson.

All over the place on Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

I'm all over the place, of course.

Listen to the Bonfire five days a week Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course, the flagship show of the Guest Digital Network right here, the legendary Legion of Skanks.

And

it's coming out in a month, so both parts of my two-park crowd work special, Them, They, available right now on YouTube.

Fucking check them out.

Watch them again.

Very cool.

Come see me on the road, the Bring Five Friends tour.

I'm desperate.

And

you can just bring five friends.

It'd be sick.

I'm going to be going to Europe at the end of May.

It's going to be a ton of fun.

Amsterdam and London and Glasgow and Dublin and Manchester.

And then I'm filming my next special on July 12th in Tampa, Florida at Sidesplitter.

So get those tickets.

They're about to be sold out.

So get them now.

Make sure if you love this show, you should know that we do an uncensored ad-free version of the show.

A lot of the stuff we've said tonight has been bleeped out.

Yako has been saying the N-word the whole show.

You guys got to get the

uncensored version.

It's pretty crazy.

We couldn't get a dump button fast enough to it.

But the uncensored ad-free version is available exclusively on gasdigital.com if you're watching this on YouTube or elsewhere.

Plus, there's an entire on-demand library that are thousands of episodes deep for all of the shows, and there's probably a dozen and a half Star Wars episodes that are not available anywhere else.

Use the promo code WARSW-A-R-Z at gasdigital.com.

And obviously, check out all the other pods that I do: the Regs and the Legendary Legion of Skanks.

And sign up for my mailing list.

I do a bonus solo podcast just on my mailing list on my website, Lewisofskanks.com.

Okay.

Well,

I'm feeling pretty shitty.

I'm in last place, but what our guests probably don't know is that this game's not over for me.

It's not.

Because

for the final four stories,

we go double points.

Techniroots.

If that wasn't clear,

if you were taken aback by that fanfare, I apologize.

To explain it better, whereas before,

if you fooled somebody and it was your story, you got one point.

And if you guessed the right store, you got two points.

Now that goes to double points.

I never thought I would describe this audience as being whimsical,

but they are whimsical.

Beautiful bunches.

Consider me surprised.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I went to the fanciest restaurant in Amsterdam.

My cousin and I got into a fist fight, and I flipped a Victorian chair.

My grandmother cried.

Jesus Christ.

Oh my God.

sounds like a fable

the fanciest restaurant in Amsterdam L stop looking left and right

nobody up in this fucking thing knows what a Victorian chair is beside you oh wait Jared you might

I I feel like your parents had Victorian chairs

yeah probably but you didn't know that but I didn't you know the words here I believe I know this isn't Lewis

Not Lewis.

Nothing.

Anything I've ever been together.

More than twice at both times I spent no money on food.

It was all hookers and drugs.

Right.

Lewis doesn't fist fight in family.

He puts it outward.

And he wouldn't know what that chair was that he flipped.

And I believe his grandparents died at 30 years old.

Right.

So he's out.

You're not going.

to Amsterdam and going.

Not with the fanciest place.

And not with family.

I'm just trying to figure out, is Yaakov a fancy restaurant in Amsterdam person?

Well, he's not going to Denny's again.

I don't know if you heard what happened last time, but everybody turned on him for being all fancy and coming in for some free moons over Miami.

I can see this also.

Look, it's between Jared and Al, very obviously.

I'm wondering about your cousins.

Like, are you from a big fan?

Are you Italian?

Are you Latino or what?

He's so jolly.

He's joined.

How insulting both of those words are.

I just needed you to say it, not me.

What do you think?

I'm some greasy Italian or some greasy Puerto Rican.

I have cousins.

I don't know if we're flipping Victorian chairs, though.

Yeah.

I mean, Elle, you do have punch a family member in the face energy.

That's fucked up.

Right.

Elle does look like she had a fallout, but then came back to the family.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of times at a Thanksgiving, they have to say, hey, are you and Jenny going to be cool?

Or do we have to, honestly,

or do we have to ask one of you not to come?

Right.

And you go, if she doesn't talk shit,

comedians don't travel with their entire families anywhere.

Well, can't you see Rob Schneider in the corner going, but no?

Like talking like.

Right.

They're taping the Jigolo movie.

The Gigolo movie.

No.

Do you have a face tattoo?

Yeah, I do.

I feel like you're a

winning, right?

What did you get that tap for?

To impress you.

Yeah.

Lewis's cousins are 100% dead or in prison.

These are just facts of life.

And I don't know that to be true for sure, but it's true.

Yeah, my grandmother, I wouldn't be in Amsterdam with my grandmother.

That's just not happening.

It's definitely not me.

His grandmother sold drugs in America.

That's true.

She did in Patterson, New Jersey.

Grandma Jane.

They would call her Grandma Candy.

What?

She gave guns to kids.

Yeah, I'll go on my gun this one.

I think Lewis is the one who travels to Europe.

No, no.

Lewis?

Yeah.

He does not travel to Europe.

I travel to Europe.

He thought Jamaica was overseas, remember?

Right, but

I've been to Europe twice in the past year.

Didn't he say that?

I'm heading across the pond to the Bahamas.

So I don't know when I land there if it's tomorrow for you or if it's the middle of the night.

Okay.

I've written L, I think, almost for every sword so far, and I have been way wrong.

I think Lewis is a fancy-ass motherfucker and is like trying to be like flipping shit all around this.

That's not wrong.

People really can't see the gay in you.

Potato salad fucked his chair.

I heard you talk shit about grandmas earlier.

That's wrong.

L's pushing too hard.

Yeah, she's pushing way too hard.

Yakoff, I don't don't know why you're listening to her.

She fights family members.

She has nice restaurants.

She's not going to be to you, but if anybody got into a bar fight, it would be you.

Listen, I understand what you're saying.

I don't think this is Lewis at all.

He wouldn't say Victorian chair.

He doesn't know what that means still.

Now,

I don't.

I mean, the Victorian era.

Is that an era, right?

Oh, now it's Lewis.

Fuck.

Yeah.

He's now.

It's you.

If you hit me, Yeah, it is him.

What?

Dangerous liaisons?

I didn't like the way he smiled when he said Victorian.

Alex, all of our stories are in.

If you wink, I'm going to punch you.

Oh, no.

That story belongs to L.

King.

Yes.

Oh, thank you, sweet Lord.

It was fucked up.

My dad was filming European Gigolo, and just

I had gotten kicked out of school and he said what do I do with her and my mom said you fucking take her so I did get into a fist fight with my cousin we cool now because we moms hoe

but

drinks with your kids are probably okay no they're cool they're cool man

they're fucking cool man

yeah

but I flipped a chair my poor little Filipino grandmother was crying get along please and I was like fuck you

why'd you have to to fight with your cousin um I don't really know she was a fucking bitch and

I was I probably was like calling her out she might have thrown a drink in my face or I did that I don't know I never really remember like my wrongdoings because I just remember like my pain and

that was just that was it I remember that it was it was cool did you win the fight Fuck yeah, I won.

Look at me.

Are you kidding me?

I'm a linebacker.

Yes.

I won the fucking, she was a ballerina.

Like I won the fight.

Yo, L King fucking rules, too.

I'm leaving.

I don't want to sit next to her now.

We have a lot of common friends that said, L King fucking rules.

L King fucking rules.

Yakoff, you cool.

What?

Alex points?

On the scoreboard in fifth place with five points, Yakov Smirnov.

In fourth place with six points, L.

King.

In third place with seven points, Big Jay Ogerson.

It's gotten to the point where Jay is just happy to be in third place.

Oh, I stopped listening.

I don't even know who's after me.

In second place with nine points, Jared Freed.

And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

If you think the Story Warriors are ready to part with this book, City Bird and Other Poems, these poems echo with the voices of Bay Area legends, Joan Brown, Jay DeFeo, Lou Welch,

but filtered through Dunnegan's own restless searching lens.

The long title piece, City Bird, is a freewheeling emotional ride through memory, art, and the strangeness of staying put while the world changes around you.

That was beautiful.

Brand new copy.

That was beautiful.

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank CrowdHealth for supporting today's show.

We love CrowdHealth.

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That's joincrowdhealth.com slash W-A-R-Z.

All right, where were we?

Alex.

Go, Joe, you do it.

No, you don't care.

Alex, story number six.

Story number six.

I went to a restaurant alone on my birthday and randomly sat next to someone who had the exact same birthday as me.

The bartenders gave us a dessert with a candle in it, and I lit her hair on fire.

This is beautiful.

And also, definitely not L, unless she had a lesbian stint at some point.

She absolutely had a lesbian.

She did call herself a linebacker.

That does tend to mean you've had a woman's knees on your shoulders once or twice.

Rich chick who fought her cousin.

Yes.

In Amsterdam.

She went straight to the the red light district and ate some bitch out.

I mean, I have been to Sturgis twice, so.

My little girl's at Dyke.

Dyke Arino.

Dyker Ramba.

Dyker Rama La La Bading Dong.

A restaurant alone on my birthday.

Why are you eating it so slow, you weirdo?

This is something you would do, you sentimental savage.

And randomly set.

Lewis feels like an alone birthday guy.

I get the opposite vibe.

I feel like you're like.

Stop flirting with me, Ellie.

No, no.

No, I feel like you have to be a little bit of a birthday,

right?

Lewis is prepared to raise your child with you.

Okay, so I got two motherfuckers.

I'm a great father.

Good.

Yeah.

Great.

Yep.

That's nice.

Look.

There's my son.

The same guy shouting out my real ass dad.

I'll give my son up for your children.

Oh, mine are really cute.

Mine's pretty cute, too.

Yeah, he's cute.

Mine's gay.

I don't know.

Yeah, there's so little.

Neither does Lewis.

Oh, great.

Well, the jury's out.

The jury's out, is all I'm saying.

It's a good kid, though.

I don't take Lewis as a birthday alone kind of guy.

He doesn't want to, but Lewis also, and we share this as brothers, we're dramatic saps.

Yeah.

And we would do a thing where you go purposefully to a place by yourself.

And then, but I am not

outwardly personable enough in that setting to just start talking to somebody and then have some weird fucking rom-com meet-cute fucking happen with a candle being put.

And so I lit her hair on fire hilariously.

This is a story told with confidence of a guy who would even put himself in that position.

This is Jared Freed.

That's crazy.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

I swear I thought the whole cloud was going to clap.

In my mind, I just explained my whole fucking beautiful mind, like red strings thing and brought you to the end.

And you guys are going to be be like, Holy shit, that's what we were all then.

Yakov, when did you get married to your young wife?

I feel like Yakov was fucking all over Branson.

Oh, dude, no doubt.

Those fucking hillbillies were throwing their daughters at him.

Yeah, Yakov slings dick.

We know this.

Why are you asking?

Okay,

we're talking about your big Russian sickle.

Oh,

it's a hammer.

Oh, even the roots like that.

Alone on your birthday is pretty wild.

Wild?

It's a little wild.

It's just sad.

No, it's not really sad.

It's a mentality where you're like, I'm going alone on my birthday, but I feel like that has a little bit of L-King vibes to it.

I would fucking never.

You might.

I could see this.

Are you kidding?

I can see you just being like fucking coming down from heroin or whatever you used to do.

and she's like i'm just gonna go by myself today

and spot on actually

i would throw a party and just like sit alone in a room by myself yeah that's true but i i would light a bitch's hair on fire maybe for fun yeah but not like accidentally and be like oops sorry it's our birthday

oh okay you know what i looked at this as guy meeting

a girl and some kind of what I called it a meet cube but this you just said someone there had the birthday you guys could have been like well then bitch is night

And then you're like, Girl, light that candle right near my fucking stupid hairsprayed hair.

And you were like, I got you, bitch.

And then you lit her on fire.

Right.

This is more mistake.

Question: Al, which restaurant was this at?

No.

No.

I think that this is maybe a you think you're so quiet right now.

Why are you so shy?

I think it's Yakov.

I think this guy took his Rolls-Royce over to

impress some woman, some rando at the bar.

Is this the ceremony where he met his wife?

Right.

That's

right.

Right.

In Russia, they light women's hair on fire to impress the kid.

You are my bride now.

Right.

Take off that hair so no man find you attractive.

You got me.

Not Big Jay.

Big Jay is not a go-alone

for his birthday type of guy.

He likes to have all of his friends and minions around him.

Or I'd order in.

I could see this being Jared or Elle.

Maybe it's two stories in a row for Elle.

It could be.

Could be.

Could be.

It's all randomly generated.

She's learning the game, though.

I like that.

Elle's a drinker, too, so she could

roll up to a bar.

No doubt.

Like, I'm not going to be alone on this birthday.

Fuck that shit.

That's true.

I do give that off.

I would love another drink.

But you know what?

This also could be a Jared on the Road story.

He's on the road that weekend by himself.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

It's just, I don't know, Yaakov.

Yeah, Jared, that Jared, giant cock of his.

Yeah.

Jared is pushing it on me.

But I think it's him, too.

Yeah, I think he's going back and forth.

He's throwing it on other people a little bit too much.

I'm going Jared.

You give sound logic why it's Jared.

He goes, Yakov.

It's a deflection.

This is Jared.

He got his his vote in quickly because he wanted other people to not vote for him.

Now he's freaking out.

He's picking his nose.

That's another tell.

He's rubbing his knee.

Look, he's rubbing his knee.

Now he's got his hand in his pocket.

It's a lot of things happening with Jared Freed.

Checking his phone.

Here he is.

There he goes.

Alex?

That story belongs to Jared Freed.

Thank you.

I actually have the picture of her lighting her hair on fire.

Oh, shit.

So that's what I was getting.

So what happened was I was in New York.

It's my birthday.

I did two shows in between them.

I went to Cocoduck, which is this like nice chicken finger

place.

They do like chicken fingers.

You look at trash tonight.

And so I went to this nice chicken nugget.

It's a chicken nugget place that puts like caviar on the chicken nugget.

So I like sat out, I had a glass of wine.

That's like a personification of a Rolls-Royce to a Denny's.

Yeah, it's a high-low moment.

You guys don't know what the word personification means.

Yeah, it's to make it a person.

I sit at the bar and you can't get into this restaurant.

I sit at the bar and then suddenly the seat next to me opens up and this young girl, she was like 24, sits next to me and all she orders is a chicken nugget with caviar on it and a cocktail.

It's very like Gen Z.

I'm going to do the thing.

And I said, is that all you ordered?

And she goes, oh, it's my birthday tonight.

I was like, that's crazy.

It's my birthday too.

And you Frenched.

I fucked her right there on that bar.

No.

I have to live through your beautiful dick.

So then the bar heard about it, bought her a glass of wine.

Let's celebrate our birthday together.

It was a very sweet thing.

And then they gave us a frozen yogurt at the end with like a candle in it.

And then she takes my phone to take a selfie.

She goes, let's take a selfie with it.

And I take a selfie.

And literally, as we're taking the selfie, she goes to give me a kiss

and lights her hair on fire.

And I have it on.

I literally have it on camera.

Wait, she kissed.

She kissed you.

Did she want it to fuck you?

Did she want to give me a kiss on the cheek?

She wanted to fuck you so badly.

Yes, she did.

She was very sweet.

It was very rom-comedy, like, very like, you couldn't.

And when she went to give me a kiss, it lit her hair on fire.

And a woman walked by and goes, whacks her in the face.

And

she goes, holy shit, the whole bar.

Stunk of burnt hair.

And it's funny because she was so embarrassed.

Dude, there's nothing funnier than a hot chick eating shit.

Oh, dude, it really, it tickles me to no end.

And the manager was even hotter because she was this woman who, she goes, I used to work at Live, and this happened every night.

Like, she was like a nightclub woman, so she like whacked her.

And then the girl was so embarrassed, she kept going, I'm fine, I'm fine.

And like her hair is like on smoking.

That smell stays.

The whole bar stunk like burnt hair.

And I felt so bad, but then I had the other show to go to.

So I go, okay, well, it was nice to meet you.

Sorry.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Yeah.

Text me the burn ward you're at.

I'll come pick you up.

24-hour CBS, gave you some cream.

We wished you, this happened two years ago.

I wished her a happy birthday.

She wished me a happy birthday on her birthday, said hello, and that was it.

That's it.

So you never fucked her.

No, she was very, very nice.

Well, I mean, Jess.

You dirty dog.

You piece of shit.

You fucked that burn victim.

That was sweet of you.

You was, yeah, bring your Freddy Krugerier over here.

Lay on your left side.

She'll leave fire marshal bills.

Holy shit.

Wow.

Okay.

That was a lot of points that Jared did not get.

That was brutal.

I can't.

I couldn't.

You guys were all looking at other places, and I was like, oh, I'm going to get some good ones there.

Nope.

Alex, where are points at?

Okay, we have a tie for last place with nine points each.

Jared Freed and Yakov Smirnov.

Yeah.

Poor guys.

I knew this show was anti-Semitic.

Those poor saps.

That's right.

Jesus.

I don't know if that was a

Klansman.

It was real.

I don't know if that was a

togetherness or

no.

It was like a double.

It was a double dance.

That was a threat, Jared.

Oh, okay.

Security.

That was a security guard.

Your yam worker can't save you from this.

Alex.

In third place with 10 points, L.

King.

Yeah.

In second place with 11 points, Big Jay Okerson.

Wow.

And in the lead with 14 points, Louis Jay Gomez.

Story Warriors are taking over, baby.

All right.

This feels great.

This is good.

Jay, we might keep this book in the Story Warriors library, and I'm very excited because this is one of my favorites.

Oh, dude, you know it's one of your favorites.

I mean, it's smart, it's personal, and it's got that rare thing in poetry almost never has

real atmosphere.

Wow.

You don't just read this book, you move through it.

It's a brand new copy.

Jared, looks like you're going to have to keep that old spunked up one you have.

But I mean, guys, remember, the second half of this game is double points.

Anybody's game still?

It really is.

Yep.

Very close game right now.

One of our closer ones, Alex, story

number seven.

Story number seven.

When I was a kid for Thanksgiving, my family would go to a dinner theater cabaret with singers, dancers, and comedians.

I mean, this dinner theater/slash cabaret was.

What if this is how we found out that Yakov was American the whole time?

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

The bit was over tonight on Story Wars.

He's just a character.

He's doing it his whole life from Ohio.

My name's Steve Johnson.

And

yeah,

we used to gather together a little cabaret, a little light cabaret.

Read one history book about Russia, though.

Here I am.

This.

My instincts are saying, L, this seems like,

yeah, like, this is, rich people don't want to cook their own meals.

They're like, let's just go to dinner theater, cabaret, singers, dancers, comedians.

It seemed jewel to me.

This feels poor.

It could be Lewis.

This feels poor.

Does it?

Yeah.

I agree with you, Lewis.

I thought this seemed a little more like.

My half Puerto Rican, half Italian Irish family is going to a dinner theater on Thanksgiving.

There's got to be a buffet, and it's not as good a theater as maybe it sounds like.

I don't know if you ever heard about Lewis's mom, but do you know how much turkey and heroin cost?

Don't be an asshole, dude.

Don't be a piece of shit.

Let's just say the turkey's not not going to have stuffing.

We would have turkey every year.

Huh?

We had turkey.

We had turkey every year.

I want to say this feels jarred to me.

This feels like a...

Yeah, it feels like kind of gay.

It feels just left of gay.

It feels like the origin story of a gay

who overcompensates by getting naked in front of children in bad.

That's a fair point.

Is there a Russian version of Thanksgiving?

No.

No.

No.

There's no thank you in Russia.

Thank you for a shared.

Thank you for a shared outdoor bathroom for my entire family.

We ought to not thankful for anything.

No.

And no cabaret either.

You try being thankful when you bathe in a wooden tub.

Yeah,

I'm kind of leaning towards L right now.

You would.

You would.

But my family didn't love each other, so we wouldn't do nice shit.

Why so fucking quiet?

Jesus Christ.

Dark.

We were all thinking differently of Rob Schneider.

The darkness of Rob Schneider.

We didn't do shit.

Oh, my God.

Steve Arino, it's fucking stupid.

I'm a gigolo.

Jokes on me.

Jared was the last story, though.

Has Jay had any stories today?

Yeah, the shitting in Ruby 2's is.

This feels big J for some reason.

I kind of feel like that too.

Like, are you secretly theatrical?

I mean, look at the gloves.

Yeah, gloves.

I mean, look at that.

Those mean something.

They came from somewhere.

Do you paint your nails?

It's you.

It's you.

My nails, an Asian lady dip-gelled them.

It sounds like a.

It's a quicker drying process.

and my nails harder.

Not me.

This is a...

I feel like Jay, I've been friends with Jay for 20 years.

I would have heard that his family didn't do Thanksgiving and they went to a dinner theater and cabaret.

I wouldn't admit that.

No,

Jay is self-deprecating.

Okay.

Yeah.

Very self-deprecating.

I would tell this if you're not going to be able to do that.

Yeah, this isn't something you would hide.

But Jewish people, for some reason, they like to do retarded shit.

Right.

That's why I'm taking Jared as my first guess.

Theater, cabaret, Murder, Jesus.

There's a lot of decisions that they make.

It's a lot to do on Thanksgiving.

Yes.

I don't know.

This is maybe Lewis.

Now he's pushing.

He's pushing this Jew joke a little hard.

I think you're a little crazy.

Wait a minute.

I know Lewis.

Listen, the only advantage me and Lewis have is we do know each other well.

I was in musical theater in high school.

I had a little

loud fruit.

Yeah.

But his family was not tight to do this.

So this is not a good thing.

No one was tight.

I will say, I don't want to make it sound like it's me, but my family was, when I was a kid, they kind of kept it.

No, you come from just pieces of shit.

Your mom was the town slut.

She wasn't a slut.

She was the town slut.

My mother fucked many a policeman.

Many policemen.

She had sex with a few cops to keep us safe.

She was a single mother living in West Philadelphia.

It was a bad neighborhood.

Sometimes she had to throw down with a bitch, but when guys would come around, she fucked a few cops to keep us safe.

I I don't think that's why I think this is Big Jay.

You think in between sucking off cops, we went to dinner theater.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

It's Jared.

That was insane what you just said.

It could be Jared.

It could be Jared two stories in a row, but maybe it's Elle.

Fuck.

This is a tough one.

Can I go to the audience and ask?

Can we pull the audience?

Who do you guys think it is?

Really?

Jay?

No.

This feels just very inner-city Philadelphia.

You're saying names now.

You think this sounds West Philadelphia?

That's crazy.

Did you only watch the beginning of Fresh Prince?

My family went out to the cabaret and watched some comedians and sit there saying dances and boom, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I feel like Shabbat is more important than Thanksgiving, right?

Okay.

Probably.

You know what?

Dude, is it two stories in a row for Jared?

Is this his third story, though?

We had a story earlier.

Oh, yeah.

I don't think they, I mean, it's all randomly generated, but did they get to three Jared stories?

And

this is where we might be.

I'm going with it.

I think I in out a lot too, Al.

What?

L King is my vote.

All right.

Everybody's locked in.

Sorry, I started yelling at Yakov.

I was like, don't you fucking take it out of that.

That's your final answer, Yakov.

That story belongs to Big Jay Operson.

He was pushing too hard.

Fucking knew it.

Wow.

No way.

Really?

Wow.

Yeah.

When my grandfather was alive, we did a lot more Jewish side of the family things.

And he loved musicals and all that kind of stuff.

And we would go to this,

I'm trying to remember the name of the place, but we would go to this place for Thanksgiving always, Palumbo's.

And they would put on like a dinner theater thing with cabaret with like

minor strip teas.

And then like somebody would come out and be like, you know, yo, be swell.

Yo, be great.

Gonna have the whole world on a plate.

And then at the end, we would buy the cassette tapes of like the songs of Fiddler on the Roof sung by the guy at the place.

And that's how they got out of cooking turkey in my Jewish family.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Alex, the scores, please.

Oh, my God.

I think Jay might be in first place place right now.

This is crazy.

This is wild.

All right, on the scoreboard in last place with 10 points, L.

King.

Tied for third place with 13 points each, Jared Freed and Yakov Smirnoff.

In second place

with 14 points,

Louis J.

Gomez.

Wow.

Wow.

And in the lead with 15 points, Big Jay Ogerton.

Yo, yo, Christine is so wet right now.

It's still anybody's game.

This is the closest Story Wars game that I think we've ever had.

Right now, it truly could be anybody's game.

One final story.

This is crazy.

Holy shit.

Alex, story number eight.

Story number eight.

When I was younger, I worked at a restaurant and got into a physical altercation with another employee because they were taking care of my tables.

Fuck.

This definitely, physical altercation always feels like Lewis.

Right.

Jay, I've never worked in a restaurant.

Me either.

Me either.

That's a woman job.

No offense, Al.

Waiting tables is a woman's job.

Yeah, listen.

You'll suck a cousin

for just being a bitch.

You'll definitely attack an employee.

Is all of L stories kick the shit out of this one bitch for fucking up?

I don't need you to take care of my tables, bitch.

So me and these other hoe moms took care of business.

Jared, do you ever work in a restaurant?

Absolutely.

Yes.

Really?

No, I haven't.

Really?

Alex said I was one of the only people that never worked in a restaurant.

No, that's that.

Yeah, I'm taking...

This takes Yakov out of it.

This takes L out of it.

You know what I'm saying?

They had restaurants in Russia?

Yeah, I don't know.

Have you ever fought anyone?

No, no,

I'm not confrontational.

I'll make jokes about them.

No, that sounds like...

what the guy at the beginning of the movie who murders everyone sounds like.

Oh, absolutely.

Have you been in a fist fight?

He's like, yippee ganye, motherfucker.

You never been in a fist fight?

I've never been in a fist fight.

Dude, she thinks you are such a queef right now.

I know.

She's really

dressing me.

She's not going to make you feel good

online.

She's going to be like, what was that lady I was sitting next to?

You've never fought anybody?

Homo never even punched a cousin.

Elle, did you work in restaurants ever?

Yeah, I've worked in a restaurant.

You worked in a restaurant?

Yeah.

Real.

People's burger in Pasadena for two fucking days.

They made burgers in a fucking station.

Okay, now I'm on Elle.

The way she just said that, it sounded like she fucking murdered.

I got in trouble for taking 50 cents off the table and putting it in my pocket.

And she said in an accent very close to yours, it's for the jar, not your pocket.

Damn.

So I lied and would take the bus to town and just like fuck around and say hard day at work when I go home.

That was it.

But never, you'd never beat up another waitress for taking your tables.

No.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah.

I feel like you might have.

Yeah.

This, I mean, Lewis also will flat-out lie.

He absolutely may have worked in a restaurant.

I've never, I've never seen a lot of people.

I'm trying to remember if you ever told me somebody working in a restaurant to know this whole thing's a lie.

Oh, wait, I did work in a restaurant.

There you go.

Yeah.

I did.

That's who it is.

I just remembered.

Yeah, that's who it is.

I mean, literally for like two days when I was a a teenager.

Absolutely.

But you got fired for fighting your coworker.

For doing a very nice thing while you were probably fucking off and smoking weed.

You are an unscrupulous beast.

Guys, guys, guys, these are your last answers.

You're going to let Jay win right now.

What is wrong with you?

You think it's me?

No, it's not you.

It's L, obviously.

It's so obviously L.

What are we doing here?

I did think it was L at first.

This is fucking retarded.

I was just saying, like, I obviously was not a waiter ever.

I worked as a busboy when I was 15 years old for like three days.

It just says I worked at a restaurant.

It doesn't say you were a waiter.

Oh, it took your tables.

Maybe your bus tables.

I'm fighting somebody for bussing my tables.

I'd high-five them.

Probably.

Thank you for busting my tables.

You do really care about it.

I get tips for bussing tables.

Don't you, though?

No.

I don't know.

I never worked in a restaurant for real.

I simply forgot that I worked at a restaurant.

I'm going to change this to L.

King, and I swear to God, if you lead me wrong,

ooh, I don't know what I'm going to do.

You think it's a good thing?

No, he's lying.

All right.

I don't care.

Now he's lying.

They pull the tips.

That's why I got in trouble.

Jay, we want to keep this in family.

I don't know.

If you're right, you would win.

Yeah, you're right.

Wait, no, you win, though, if you're right.

If I'm right, I win.

Yeah, but if you're wrong, you're actually.

You know what, Jay, vote for me.

L.

King.

Now, talk to me for real, though.

Is it you?

Yes.

Good.

Vote for me.

Is this how you feel when I do this to you?

I would never lie to you.

Good vote for me.

Fuck.

Yakoff, where are you leaning?

Wow!

Were you going to wipe that off?

He drew a penis.

I'm just doodling.

Yeah, he's going L.

It's L

or fucking Lewis.

Do what you got to do, my friend.

I hate this.

You're so close to winning right now.

Why would you do this to your friend?

I'm not doing anything to you.

You know what?

Either way, it's going to stay in the Story Wars Laboratory, it feels like.

That's just good thing.

Would you do this to me?

Would you hurt me?

Yes.

That's why God gave you a gay son.

You know, he loves this show, and he's going to hate that Uncle Jay called him gay.

No, you're not really gay.

But if if you are, it's your father's fault.

He just doubled down and rewrote my name.

Bigger.

He wrote it bigger with more flair.

I was just doodling, okay?

Damn, his voice is so satisfying.

Everyone's in the final story belongs to Alex.

That story belongs to Louis J.

Gomas.

He said, I'm sorry in my ear.

You were so close to winning.

Christine, why are you laughing so hard?

Oh, fuck, that was awesome.

If he would have written Lewis, he would have won.

Oh, fuck, he can never win.

It's making me so happy.

Oh, I'm so happy that I don't care that my son's gay.

It does ease the pain.

And now you can read of these gay-ass poems.

Alex, let's do our final scores.

What about the story, Lewis?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

That's why he's so excited that I lost.

I was a bus boy.

And yeah, it was a Mexican restaurant, Fiesta Cancun.

And the reason, and we didn't, it didn't matter how many tables you bust, these Mexicans were so good at busting tables that they were like just busting around me.

I was like, oh, I don't know how to fucking keep up with them.

And then this one Mexican guy started taking my tables, and I didn't want to get fired because I wasn't fast enough.

So I was like, hey, man, that's my table.

And I don't speak Spanish, and he only spoke Spanish.

So it just escalated into like this little short Mexican guy getting in my face.

Then I put my finger at him and he grabbed my finger and bent it back.

And I was like, ah!

And then I told on him.

I tried to like tell on him.

And they were like, all right.

And then they fired me anyway in a couple days.

I'm all fucked up.

Shout out to Fiasse Cancun.

Great restaurant.

We'll get you another book.

That needs to be merch.

We'll get you another book.

I don't know why it feels so good to win.

Oh.

Final scores.

All right.

Our final scores in last place with 13 points.

Yakov Smirnov.

In fourth place with 14 points.

L.

King.

In third place

with 15 points.

Big Jay Okerson what

I wasn't even second dude I thought I was second I for sure was just like second place to first loser I'm the second loser big swing

in second place with 17 points Jared Freed

And your winner tonight with 18 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Oh, Lewis takes home a brand new new copy of City Bird and Other Poems by Patrick James Dunagan.

How about a big round of applause for our entire panel up here tonight, everybody?

The legend Yuck of Smirnoff,

the badass L King, and the hilarious and handsome Jared Freed.

Thank you very much, Nashville Comedy Festival.

You guys have ruled so far.

We got one more tomorrow night.

If you guys, I think there's like 10 tickets left, so try to come back tomorrow night.

Crazy panel tomorrow night.

What a fun.

You guys have a fun time?

Fun time.

Thank you guys so much for joining us on Story Wars.

Until next time, everybody, peace.