038. Tim Dillon, Dan Soder, & Chris Distefano | Failure

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the gas

live from Rodney's in New York City.

It's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson and Louis Jake Omegs.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars.

We're your Story Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson and Louis Jake Omez.

Let's make some fucking noise in the sold-out Rodney's Comedy Club.

Look at this.

I can feel the ghosts of rodney dangerfield looking down at us right now oh i bet that'll come into play a lot tonight

uh how many people here we always ask this are not familiar with story wars

not familiar don't raise your you're at a comedy show you retarded women

lewis do not drive away the only women that ever come to the show no you know they're retarded that was crazy they were like

you girls aren't retarded you're polite But you have no idea what you came for tonight.

You just got tickets to whatever.

Said, fuck it, girls night.

They came for Chris D.

Let's get real.

Oh shit, they know.

They definitely came for Chris D.

I forgot he was here.

How many people here are familiar with Story Wars?

Hell yeah.

Good.

That feels good.

That feels very good.

Well, let's get our contestants up here and we'll get this game going.

What do you say?

Our first contestant, everybody, you know him and love him from the Soder podcast.

His special on the road, you can watch right now on YouTube.

He is my former work wife.

How about it for the hilarious Dan Soder?

Here to win it.

Here to finally win.

I want to see a couple points so big.

Our second contestant on the show, absolutely hilarious.

You're going to know him from History Hyenas and his brand new special.

It's Just Unfortunate.

Available on Hulu.

Clap it up for Chris DeStefano.

Come on.

Returning Story Warrior.

Yeah,

we have an actual Story Warrior on the panel.

A story warrior you want, and I believe Chris, if I'm not mistaken, was the first ever person besides you were on a win.

Wow.

Yes, I was.

I fooled you guys with a story about 9-11.

Just Just so you know, if you win tonight, you're only one win shy of me.

Yes.

I'm not good at the game.

Yeah, Jay's only won three times in the history of the show.

Someone said four, but that doesn't feel much better.

Our final contestant, everybody, last but not least, you know him from the Tim Dylan show.

And how about his new special, I'm Your Mother,

available right now on Netflix.

It's Tim Dylan.

What a panel.

Thanks.

Hell of a panel.

Tim's excited to be here.

He really is.

It's the first time I've seen you be excited to do somebody else's podcast.

I'm practicing for the lying on the show.

This is going to be a very fun one.

If you're unfamiliar with Story Wars here or you're unfamiliar listening at home, it's a very simple game.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's topic, Lewis?

Failure.

Failure.

Our lovely producer, Alex, will read those stories out one at a time, randomly.

Eight of them, they will appear on this screen.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody else that it's not your story.

And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Man, for every person you fool, you get one point.

Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points.

Once you write the name on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in this little holder right here and let your hand go.

That is it.

That is your final answer.

You cannot change it.

It's a lot of fun.

And I'll tell you right now, we're not just playing for fun.

Look, you guys are going to have a great time tonight, but we're up here for more than fun.

Jay, tell them what we're playing for tonight.

We're always playing for a book from the Story of Wars Library.

Tonight's book, a brand new copy of The Light Within the Light: Portraits of Donald Hall, Richard Wilbur, Maxine Kuhman, and Stanley Kunitz by Gene Braham.

One of my favorites.

Gene Braham offers intimate portraits of four eminent American poets: Donald Hall, Richard Wilbur, Maxine Kuhn, and Stanley Kunitz, delving into their personal histories and the evolution of their poetic voices.

Through in-depth interviews and reflections, Brahm reveals how each poet's life experiences shaped their work.

Wow.

Can you believe it, boys?

I can't.

It's going to be a great one.

Everybody, are you ready for war?

Let's get drafted.

Then, Alex, if you will,

story number one.

Story number one.

I failed my written test for my driver's license because I didn't study and just assumed everything on the test was common knowledge.

This feels Tim or Jay.

I.

Then I'm going to say Tim because I did feel right away like this seems like an aloof thing, but I would do this.

First of all, I think I also did this.

I wish it was mine

because I actually studied and I passed, which makes me a loser.

So this does seem cooler, but I failed the driving test once in the actual car.

I passed my test.

Yeah.

Walked in.

There was five questions.

Yeah.

Very easy.

That was on my birthday.

Could this be your story?

Like, is that, are you also in this story?

Yeah, he might have thrown it off.

You're in this.

Everybody.

We're all in it.

Can I explain this to you outside, Tim?

You saw it.

But I didn't know if you were in it.

I didn't know that.

Jay just explained it again.

He said, all five of us.

And then I said, in the thing, it's written right into it.

I say, everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I.

I even purchased Have Lewis and I to make it sound like official.

Listen, Tim.

He's not going to understand it unless Steve Bannon tells them.

That's right.

I don't listen.

Did Mr.

Bennon give him the instructions or not?

You get a white nationalist to tell me something?

My 16th birthday was the written test.

And then a week later i took my driving test and i got because i was so ready to get out of my house and i passed both yeah you keep insisting on telling us this story which makes me feel like it's made up i would love to tell you guys that a guy sent me a dm today of a lewis cheat sheet that he said that i should use and he gives things

he said he ran it through ai and has all your tells

i don't remember any of them what are my tells i wish you knew them that's why ai was created to map lewis's brain i mean this guy

this guy went in good.

Yeah.

Let me see.

I'll get it because this mind.

I mean, I know Jay's tells.

If Jay starts speaking really loudly and blaming everyone else over and over and over,

he also tells me the things I do that give it away.

I'm going to say that it was Jay because I feel like the man who would be most likely to fail a written test would be a man wearing fingerless gloves.

Just feel it was a computer.

It was a computer test.

It was like four buttons, like multiple choice.

And I did fail it once.

Dan, did you pass your written test?

Yeah.

Give me a license first time out?

Yeah.

Went down to the DMV, nailed it.

Yeah, I don't know about that.

I don't know about that at all.

I think maybe he was in Colorado relaxing.

There is no driving test in Colorado.

Smoking a little weed,

figuring that it's just going to be a drive.

No, I had to drive.

My driving test was I had to drive my driving instructor, who was also the football coach, just downtown so he could drop off some documents.

I drove him back and he's like, you passed your test.

I was like, thanks, Coach Cooper.

This feels like a Jay story.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel like Jay is now not paying attention to the shots specifically because I feel I'm going to have to bail on this because, but I was looking for Terminator.

I think, too, because every time it is one of Jay's stories, he gives a little smile.

He does that.

He can't hide it.

I think it does say that I do give a little smile.

Jay smiles.

Jay is a horrific actor.

One of the worst in the business.

But what a great smile.

I just assumed.

And just assumed everything on the test was common not got it who would say like who common not like the i wouldn't even use those words

like those words words are too poor for tim yeah if it was tim tim would say just assume everything on the test was known by these peasants yeah i don't know yeah um i don't know i still i think it could be lewis on frequent words and phrases lewis uses when lying 100 not me 95 of the time lying if used more than four times okay never happens by the way thank you for telling me my tells.

Yeah.

Right.

90% lying.

You should do this at the end of the show.

No, you're not going to remember any of this shit.

I will 100% remember this stuff.

One of my tells it says excessive physical adjustment.

Yes.

They say they're moving around a lot.

He starts pointing and gets really loud.

I'm not some of my lines.

Honestly, if I say that three times, 90% of the time I'm lying.

Believe me, 85% of the time I'm lying.

Trust me, 80% lying.

I swear, 75%.

Can you send this to your girlfriend?

Christine's in the back with a fucking knife just practicing.

Oh, it's fake.

Lewis, you gotta listen.

Lewis, what was, do you remember your written test?

Yeah, it was five questions.

I took it on my 16th birthday.

Why was it five questions?

I have no idea.

It was so easy.

Because there is no written test that's five questions.

I swear to God, it was five questions.

Dude, they don't even have that at fucking chilies about how the meal was.

I was 16.

You're rocket full of shit.

You have five questions.

I remember the day.

It was raining.

I was 16 years old.

It was on my 16th birthday.

I was so

strangely get serious.

James Charles.

What year were you born?

What year were you 16 years?

I was born in 82, so it was

98.

98, number one in the charts.

Bastry boys.

I was going to say in sync, tearing up my heart.

Probably, yeah.

Maybe.

Who else is gay out there?

All right,

I'm going to start getting this voting going.

I mean, I feel like Jay is completely disconnected because it's him.

Jay's reading your chart.

I'm reading your chart.

Wait, do we all do we vote secretly?

No, you write it.

We've told you this twice, Tim.

No, I know.

You write your answer on the board, and then when you put your board in the thing, it's your final answer.

Gotcha.

Okay, I'm just confirming it.

Yeah.

Do you want to get deported dude i would stop talking like that to tim

tim goes jd pants oh my god you are

it is gonna be it's story

story wars el salvador

uh i'm gonna i'm gonna start the voting i'm gonna say big jay ogerson i feel like jay is it's doing a lot of acting right now it's lewis okay

it's motherfucking lewis i'm gonna say lewis please it is lewis i think no one's

i haven't heard chris say much well i think he thinks he's going under the radar it's not these italians can be extra sneaky

well i feel but i feel like i can smell your pasta sauce it's chris this is a tough one because i did not I failed the written test, the computer thing, but I

but I also, I feel like, didn't everybody not study the first time?

I'm like, you're like, no no one studied.

No, no, I didn't.

Everyone up here passed their first test.

I didn't.

This is your story.

That's why I voted for you.

This is Big J.

It's not.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Swear to God.

This story belongs to Louis J.

Golden.

Son of a bitch.

Every time he tricks me.

You know it.

You knew it.

I fucking knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I was being honest.

Why would I have such a

weak and hold?

When I was 16 years old.

talk ai

when i was 16 years old i did uh pass it it was five questions this is all true took my driver's set my actual driving test a week later when i went to re-get my license when i was 38 when i moved to jersey i was like i was like five questions i'm gonna have this easy peasy i know all this i went in it was 50 questions multiple choice i had no dude but i failed it by the eighth question i had gotten every question wrong yeah i didn't study anything

God fucking shot.

God damn it.

That felt really good.

It did.

You got me, Jay.

I got you.

Dead to rights.

You got me.

You were pushing me too hard, just like HyperTalk said.

That's his tag.

Alex, where are our scores at?

On the scoreboard with two points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Big Jay Okerson, and Tim Dylan.

Oh,

that feels good.

We got it.

All right.

Oh, the the two sad handsomes in the middle.

Boo hoo.

All right, quit throwing it at us.

Oh, shit.

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All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

My father fell down the stairs on the way to the hospital while my mother was giving birth to me and broke both of his legs.

I thought these were Danzig lyrics.

This sounds like a Tim Dylan fucking.

By the way,

I wish

that was also what it doesn't say is cable news was on in the back.

My father was crazy.

And then Tim was created.

Yeah, all that needed to say is at ISLIP Hospital.

Yeah, yeah.

In Long Island.

I know.

This is a...

Yeah, that's called a Long Island birth.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's what we call a Nassau County birth.

Oh, yeah, she got the old Nassau County.

Dad broke both the legs as the baby game.

Yeah, we went to an island this game.

Yeah.

You know what?

They didn't even fucking set the legs.

They just put Billy Joel and they reformed like T-1000.

I know it's not Dan because his father wasn't at the hospital when we was born.

He's a happy ass.

Peter was yours.

Yeah.

Derry was a happy ass.

This is definitely Chris or Tim who had present fathers.

No, but this story is saying that the father wasn't there.

My father went down the stairs on the way to the hospital.

I don't even know what that means.

While my mother was giving birth to me and broke.

Oh, by the way, I didn't realize you were reading it.

I thought you were just admitting it.

No, no, no.

I don't know how the game is playing.

I was like, damn, what are you doing?

No, no, no.

But here's what I'm trying to understand.

So the father isn't at the hospital while the woman's broken.

No, he's fucking two legs broken.

Yeah, I mean, the guy, it's got two broken legs.

I don't know if he's in the hospital.

Or he fucking, or he knuckles it there and he deserves that world's greatest dad bug.

Yeah.

Or no, how about it could be Lewis and Jay?

because what if that's the mother told them Lewis when

you can you tell us when your dad was stabbed?

My dad was stabbed when I was four years old.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

He might have been so he might have

murdered.

Hey, well, did he could let me ask you this.

Could he not run away because he had broken legs?

Yeah.

That's why.

Is that why he was killed?

That's how he gives it up?

He goes, no, his run was a little wobbly because of his legs.

He didn't fall down the stairs.

Someone broke his legs.

Someone broke his ears.

Maybe it's Chris's dad because he was some gambling dad.

Some Italian shit.

And now he lied to Chris and he's like, oh, I fell down the stairs.

And Chris is like, did you, though?

Yeah, that's what it is.

That's a story my mother.

He goes, also, the jets didn't cover.

Yeah, I remember your birthday because the jets didn't cover.

And

I broke my legs on the way to the hospital.

Yeah, it was such a good.

My father's, he was there.

I feel like if this was Dan or Jay, I would have heard that.

That was that happy hour.

Yeah, you know where he was.

I would have heard this story.

Dan, was your father in the hospital when you were born?

No.

He wasn't.

He really wasn't.

I was kidding.

I'm not.

When I said that about you.

Oh, your dad wasn't there?

Someone did happy.

He was happy hours.

What do you guys not understand about $5 onion rings?

He has 10-ounce buttons.

He has a shit in your ears.

He said it eight times.

He was at Happy Hour.

One hour.

Unlimited margaritas.

Jay, where was your dad?

Kids forever when you were born.

He may have been there.

I don't know.

You don't know if your dad was there or not?

I don't.

He has no memories from when he was zero.

Are there photos?

He did hold me at least twice as a child.

There's pictures of that, yeah.

Did he have casts on both his legs?

To the best of my knowledge, he was two legs working.

Yeah.

Tim, I like everything you've been doing here, but I believe this is the kind of acting that got you into Joker 2 Folly A Do.

There was a lot of talented people in that movie.

There was a lot of talented people in that movie.

Yes.

A lot of them.

Awarded.

Don't vote for me.

That's fine.

I think I might agree with Jay.

I think this could be Tim.

I saw the little smirk around.

That's Chris.

Chris.

Tim.

It's Chris or Tim.

I'm saying Chris because this is the way Italians behave.

It is.

It is.

I honestly.

God damn it.

You're right, Dylan.

It's the way Italians behave.

I think it's Lewis.

I'm telling you right now.

Ah, shit.

Ah, shit.

I kind of like it.

It's Lewis and Chris.

His family couldn't afford stairs.

There's no way they afford it.

Because I think it's something that's mine taller than a shot no Lewis definitely lived in door to lawn

I lived in a basement apartment you can't fall up the stairs

oh Chris or Tim Chris or Tim Chris or Tim

I feel like Chris just threw out any name That's healthy.

Well, that's the reason why I think it might be Chris here.

Yeah, there's no confusion.

Chrissy, is this you?

No, I told you, I feel like I thought it was Lewis because I think you're so good at this.

Oh, God, that smile is dreamy.

I have to believe it.

Christ is handsome.

Look away, Lewis.

Well, Chris, is it you?

Oh, I could tell you.

It's honestly not.

That would be funny if it was.

You don't think you would have heard?

I've told every story about my father.

I don't have any more material left.

That's it.

My final vote is Tim Dylan.

I saw Tim smirk.

I feel like he was trying to hide something.

Son of a bitch, I can't pull my back.

Here it is.

Tim Dylan.

Big random answer.

That's my instinct.

Alex, all of our answers, Rand.

That story belongs to Chrissy Dean.

Yes.

Timmy.

Yes.

You're a good.

Yes.

Tim, can I tell you right now?

You led me there.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah, dude, that guy fell right down the stairs.

My mother said, I was born at 8:34 a.m., August 26, 1940.

They said, my dad came in like 8.05 a.m., bleeding from his knees.

And they said my uncle called him, and he like woke up at 7 a.m.

Mom was in labor and he fell down the concrete steps of my house in Ridgewood and just in a cab, too broken, full of gas.

Yeah, that's what he said.

And then my mother moved me to the Amish country shortly after for our safety.

That's true story.

Great story.

Great story.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

On the scoreboard with two points each:

Louis J.

Gomez, Big J.

Ogerson, Dan Soder, and Chris DeStefano.

And in the lead with four points, Tim Dylan.

It's early.

Yeah, it's early.

Very early in the game.

It's early right now.

Fuck, this is fun.

Alex.

Story number three.

Story number three.

Before Easy Pass, I was driving with no cash and couldn't get the toll arm to raise.

I caused a huge traffic jam and had to bet him to open it on the intercom while everyone was pony at him.

I feel like Tim or Lewis.

No, I'm going to say Lewis.

No, I'm going to say not Lewis because he only got his license when he was 40.

Yeah, you're right.

They didn't have them.

I didn't start making money until I was 40.

No, but Lewis drove before that.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

He drove.

He just didn't.

He wasn't.

I drove 50 years.

I drove from 16 to 19.

Then I moved to New York City when I was 19, and then I didn't get my license again until I was 39.

I can hear the horror, the honking of you going, what do you fucking want right now?

I'll try to go home and tell you,

I fucking go.

You got money?

Can I have money?

And it can't be Dan because they didn't have easy pass in Colorado.

Yeah, what are you going to drive, New Jersey?

Another farm?

Yeah.

Where they have like mountain pass?

Yeah,

fucking.

You got to pay a prospector.

Yeah, Boulder Pass.

When did he

come out late

20, 30, 30 years?

I mean, I feel like it's always been out easy.

Look at Tim.

This is good acting.

This is the acting from Tim right here.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Easy pass.

Why did he volunteer that?

Oh, I don't know, Sherlock Holmes.

That was.

Riddle me this.

I could feel your heart beating faster right now, like daredevil.

It's this kind of acting that garnered you the part in the horror film Thanksgiving.

I made $3,500.

But you got the SAG health insurance.

Did they let you keep when they decapitated you?

Did they let you keep your prosthetic cap?

I had a head.

I wanted to answer that.

I had a head.

That's awesome.

I gave it to President Trump.

Joe Rogan presented it for me to President Trump.

It's not me.

I understand why people think it's me.

It does feel like

Lewis is just.

It feels like a Lewis move.

It's a Lewis move because, number one,

he has no cash.

He doesn't know he has any cash because he's.

It's another person's cash.

Yeah, and it wouldn't be Tim because Tim would just drive right through the office.

I'd go through it.

He wouldn't stop.

I'd go through it.

I'd go through it.

Yeah.

I don't know.

But if they said, watch me do that, I said, I'm fighting anti-slavy.

By the way, I mean, Big J.

Big Jay is very quiet right now, which is not, it's not a J Tell to be super quiet.

Jay's usually loud and throwing it at other people.

This is a Jay.

But I think he knows his tells now.

Jay's been driving since he was 19 years old to New York City, back and forth between Philly and

Taylor.

He's been driving through tolls more than a year.

He didn't know the spot, and he didn't think that he didn't have the cash for whatever reason.

And it was all cash then.

And it was all cash, but he didn't have any of it for whatever reason.

Oh, you're going with it.

I don't know.

God damn it.

I was so sure it was Lewis.

No, it's going to be Jay.

It's Jay Oakers.

Have at it.

I think it's Big Jay.

Jay's trying to not do his tells that he got from the AI guy right now.

He's just like, have at it.

Is Jay?

Well, I'm not going to say honestly.

Jay's been driving a long time.

Jay's been driving a very long time.

Yeah.

Bad move, Dan.

I'm trusting my instincts on Lewis.

My marker's dead.

It could also be Lewis.

I hope it's Jay.

Well, it's Tim.

It's not.

I'm 19 years old right now.

I started driving two years ago.

Live your truth.

I'll go Big Jay Okerson.

Final answer.

That was my first instinct.

Alex, lay it on these fucks.

That story belongs to Dan Soder.

What the fuck?

No!

Oh, my God.

Insane.

That's wild.

Dan.

That's insane.

It's called a toll.

It's a toll pass.

470.

You motherfucker.

You got yourself out of it with that.

That's a little bit of a flim flam, right?

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no.

There's no lie here.

You just said before Easy Pass.

Yeah, before the era.

I was about to say you used before Easy Pass as an era.

He could have said before the movie Independence Day, and it would be on the up and up.

So you lied about it being called Easy Pass?

It was

like E470 Pass or whatever, but it was Toll Way.

I was going to put Toll Wave.

That shouldn't count because he lied in his story.

Well, no, no, no, no.

Let me say this.

There's no lie here.

It was before Easy Pass.

It was before the Easy version.

It was before Easy

game.

Before Easy Pass, you think about New York.

Yes, that's what it was.

It was a slick move.

It was a slick slick move.

He's a sneaky fucker.

But it is.

It's above board.

I'll tell you right now.

I get it.

It all checks out.

I make up the rules as we go.

It's above bond board.

Why don't you tell your friends in the Trump administration about my cool moves?

Yeah.

Oh.

So you flim-flammed us.

So what happened?

They let you through, Dan?

Oh, dude.

Yeah, it was a scene.

It was like five cars.

One of them was a giant truck, and it was off E-470, which is like, you know, that guy's looking for.

And it was like the honking of trying to talk in an interconfluence going,

and I'm going, I don't have any cash.

I was like, 17.

I was like, I don't have any cash.

And it was like,

I was like, you just please let me through.

Please let me through.

And then they're like,

oh, man.

It's very embarrassing.

Alex, where are our points at?

Yeah.

Three rounds.

That even fold you.

That was slick.

It fooled me, and I'm actually ashamed.

Dan just pulled the head.

All right, on the scoreboard tied for last place,

I have Louis J.

Gomez, Big J.

Ogerson, and Chris DeStefano.

Wow.

It's early.

I know.

In second place.

This is usually where I max out.

In second place with four points, Tim Dillon.

And in the lead with six points, Dan Soder.

Swift moves.

Swift moves.

Yep.

That was a big one.

It's getting intense.

Dan, you are inching closer to a brand new copy of Delight Within the Light: portraits of Donald Hall, Richard Wilbur, Maxine Kuhman, and Stanley Kunitz.

This collection presents a nuanced examination of the intertwining of life and art in the lives of Hall, Wilbur, Kuhman, and Kunitz.

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The narratives underscore the resilience and

adaptability required to sustain a lifelong commitment to the craft.

You can taste it.

You can taste it.

I don't want to get too excited.

Are these three girls that don't know what the show is?

Are you guys having a good time?

Fuck yeah, great.

Three new fans.

I thought one of them just woke back up.

What?

Yeah.

By the way, that did seem like that.

No, don't turn it off.

I'm still watching that.

Yeah.

What?

Is Tim go up yet?

Guys, Guys, let's take a quick moment and thank CrowdHealth for being a supporter of today's show.

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That's joincrowdhealth.com slash wars.

Let's get back into it.

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

My best friend and I tricked his developmentally disabled aunt into thinking we were kidnapped by leaving a ransom note for her.

This is the definition of Tim Dylan.

This is.

This is a hard note.

This is on his Wikipedia.

This is a hard

This is

his Macaulay Culkin

in the good sun.

I mean, this could be a disaster.

I've never spent time with anyone who is developmentally disabled.

Yes.

In my life.

Yes.

And his

developmentally disabled aunt is on Kill Tony next week.

Gold ticket.

No,

it seems like me, but no, nobody I knew was like a retarded person.

Well, see, that's...

No, and I wish I did know more, but I just didn't.

Let me tell you that Lewis knows how to play this game.

As well as autism and all that.

And he would never.

Lewis in life would never say developmentally disabled, but he knows if you said his retarded aunt, we would just think it was Lewis because he was going.

No,

it's clearly Lewis because he's probably in contact with those types.

Absolutely.

I don't even think he knew those types were those types until he got around other people.

You guys ever been around sharper people?

These people are so cunning.

Do you know you can get friends your age that don't lick your face?

I mean, guys,

the story stories.

No, I always tried to make it.

Literally, I always tried to make friends of people who were like doing good.

Even so.

I wouldn't hang out with someone.

Tim, in the story, your friend is doing good.

It's his development.

I can't even say it.

Development is a good thing.

That's why you had someone look it up before you submitted it.

Yeah.

No, I wouldn't hang out with someone's development.

Even the grammar, though, of it, my best friend and I.

That's not not Lewis Gomez.

Does it talk like that?

That's not the kind of grammar they have in the Aurora, Colorado School District.

This sounds like a guy with a dad with two broken legs.

He goes, Do you want to play ransom, though?

I go, what's ransom now, Chris?

Because you know the recorded on there.

My development disabled aunt is just Maurice.

It's just young.

This is Maurice.

That's it.

That's it.

The kids were taken.

That's it.

I said Lewis.

I think he had someone write it for him or he was.

I don't think Lewis had a best friend.

Lewis is smarter than you think.

He goes, you don't say that as an imaginary friend.

This is a Lewis move for sure.

But I feel like I would have heard this.

I screams Dim Dylan, though.

Yeah, Lewis being involved in a rampage.

If I knew a developmentally or retarded person, I would have done this, but I didn't know anything.

I know, but I do.

I would have done that.

Although, I do have to say, I do have to say, though, a situation like this, this does sound like some just Philly trash shit to do.

And that's big Jay.

And that's big Jay.

Yes.

Right?

Good argument.

Yeah.

I'm probably going Jay, but I still think it's Lewis.

I think Tim is, there's a whole fucking wall of lies happening before our very own show.

I haven't lied one time on this show.

Think about it.

I have not lied one time.

That is also true.

But that's the game.

So I feel like at this point.

No, the game is to be an honest person, not say, oh, easy pass is

not here.

Tim, let's let's not, Tim, let's not do this.

All right.

Let's not throw mud at how each other gets points.

I mean, I can also say, by the way, Dan Soder, he's a little bit of a trickster.

I can see you and your buddies doing this, thinking this was funny when you were.

First off, I have the kidnapped voice.

I wouldn't need a note.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Note will be always.

We have your hurry.

You have your son, you retarded bitch.

Hey, dumb-dumb.

Hey, dum-dum.

Where's Rory and Dan?

She's developable mubble blue.

She's the mubble.

If you ever want to see the bag of MMs we took from her.

She's going, you talk, dog, if you ever want to see your pudding again.

Yeah.

This is Tim Dylan.

I think it's Tim Dylan.

I'm going to go with Lewis or Jay.

It does sound like a Philly dirty.

I'm going to go with Jay.

I wish it was me because this is hilarious, but I didn't know any

developmentally disabled people or retarded people.

Alison Chase worked.

I would have wrote, my best friend and I tricked his goofball aunt.

Yeah, but then we would have to do it.

Yeah, we know what you would do.

This is your book report language.

Yeah, sure.

Jay recently learned to change the way he says things.

We went through this

club.

This is gloves off dress shirt, Jay.

I'm sticking with my original gut choice

of Timmy D.

Untrue.

Until Tim.

Alex, did you change the wording of this at all?

She works.

I'm no longer answering that question.

Oh!

Damn!

Oh!

Girl, get it.

You let him go to space for 11 minutes.

Slay.

Slay, bitch.

Next thing you know, they're fucking yapping about the rules.

Everyone is voting Tim right now.

I'm interested.

I don't like that you lay in the cut like this.

Sometimes I lay in the cut.

Okay.

When he's guilty.

Yes.

He does do this when he's guilty sometimes.

The guy told me.

The robot man?

The robot AI guy told me.

This could be a Chris fucking D story.

It's not.

I used to be a physical therapist.

I would never do this.

As I think of him, I would try to do it money.

I think it could be genuinely anybody on this panel.

But it is Tim.

It's not me.

I'll tell you, you're going to just keep losing.

I feel like Tim's being very honest right now.

I'm being this honest.

I'm 1,000% honest.

I think this is Chris fucking D.

Chris D.

I think this is Chris D.

D.

See how excited he was to tell you what somebody else is?

Let's see.

No, I'm not excited at all.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

That's right, belongs to Tim Dylan.

Of course,

of course it does.

Of course it does.

Of course.

Developmentally disabled?

You couldn't spell that.

If someone was going to kill James, you wouldn't even be able to.

This is nothing.

Are you crazy?

Oh,

boy.

But do I lose or I lose?

You just know you won one point because you tricked me.

Oh, I got a point from you.

I did my job.

Timmy, look me right in the eyes.

That was so honest the way you were talking to me.

Yeah, I said I believe you.

Now, bitch!

I really believed him.

I saw you were hurt.

So what happened to this story, Tim?

Did she believe you guys?

Her name was Denise.

We called her Doink

after the name of the clown in Tekken.

And she called his mother and started crying because she was really stupid and she thought we had been kidnapped.

Who wrote the note?

Me and my friend.

Did you guys do the thing where you cut out the letters for magazines?

No, we just wrote it like crazy.

She was that dumb.

Also, Doink was a professional wrestler.

They used it in Tekken.

You know what I mean?

Whatever.

You're so gay.

Whatever it is.

I'm sorry.

Maybe if you spent less time playing video games and more with human people, you would have known you just got mad.

Fuck, I can't believe I fumbled that.

It was so obviously Tim.

Alex, where are our points at after four rounds?

All right, in last place with two points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Right.

Tied for third place with four points each.

Big Jay Ogerson and Chris DeStefano.

If I beat Lewis, that should count as a win for me.

All right.

In second place with five points, Tim Dillon.

Fighting.

And in the lead with eight points, Dan Soder.

Dan can smell that book right now.

I fucking need it so bad.

Well, you know what?

I want to make things interesting.

Since I previously won in September, I'd like to do double points.

Double points!

Oh,

yeah.

What?

Hold on.

What does that mean?

They told me.

Tell them.

You're allowed.

So, so in the Jay, you want to explain what it exactly is?

Sure.

I can explain it to you.

For the final four stories,

before if you fooled somebody, you'd get one point.

If you guessed the correct story, you got two points.

Now that goes double points.

That's it.

Oh, man.

Double points.

And if you win, you get to say it.

Who said it?

Oh, oh, sorry.

Yeah, we're story warriors.

So, yeah, also, before we get into our second half, we're going to do plugs real quick.

Tim, obviously, brand new special right now available on Netflix.

I'm your mother.

Incredible.

Killing it.

In the top 10 tonight.

It's nine.

But we're we're getting beat right now by the love on the spectrum yeah so go home and watch it please let's put those autists in their place rfk rfk

it's in the vaccines it's in the vaccines

uh anything else to plug tim

Chris, what do you plug it, my friend?

For me, you guys,

what do I got?

I got a special out on Hulu.

Hilarious.

Yes, hilarious.

And then

I made a critical mistake, and I booked myself at Madison Square Garden, the arena on September 11th.

And that show, yes, thank you.

And that show has now rightfully been moved downstairs to the theater.

So you could see me in the basement of Madison Square Garden where I belong.

So you go to ChristieComedy.com and people are getting refunds like hotcakes.

So there are tickets available, folks.

And my manager is at Coachella.

Only Burning Man would be worse.

My manager's at the burn.

Dani Oder.

Just DanceOter.com.

I'm on the road.

Hell yeah.

Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates, everybody.

I'm all over the place.

Second half of my double cryborg special.

Well, this will be out when this comes out, right?

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

It is.

When's this come out?

This week?

This comes out Monday, yeah.

Nope, won't be up.

Yep.

Yeah, you're coming out.

Yeah, 420, it came out.

Second half of them, they, they, out, 420.

Please support that shit.

Everyone made the first one.

We got over a million on the first part, so please, let's fucking do it again.

Thank you all so much.

Listen to the bonfire, and of course, the flagship show right here, Gas Digital, the legendary Legion of Skanks.

Come see me on the road.

The Bring Five Friends tour.

Come into a city near you.

Please, Bring Five Friends to any of these dates.

It'd be pretty sick if you guys did that.

American Comedy Company in San Diego next weekend.

I'm going to be in Houston the week after that.

I'm going to Europe at the end of May.

Go to Lewisofskanks.com.

I'm touring every weekend until I film my next special in July in Tampa.

So get those tickets.

And if you love this show, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show.

Every Monday night, it's a pre-release before it goes anywhere else.

You get Story Wars, uncensored, ad-free at gasdigital.com.

We also have an on-demand library that's thousands of episodes deep, and there's probably about 20 episodes of Story Wars that you can't get anywhere else.

Use the promo code WARSWITHATZ and you save a buck fifty a month.

You get the premium service, and you get to support this show.

It's the number one way to support the show.

And yeah, check out my other podcast, The Regs, that I do with Dan Soder and Joe Liss, and maybe Bobby Kelly.

And

yeah, that's it.

Sick.

Hell yeah.

Here's where it gets interesting.

Alex,

story number five.

Story number five.

I ran for student council treasurer in fifth grade and lost.

Tim Dylan.

Yeah.

This is where it all began, dude.

Yes.

This is, I'm not a Fed.

That's like a Fed move.

True.

Right.

It was a Fed move.

Well, I was an actor.

I didn't have time.

Literally.

Lewis would try to get in student government.

Yeah, Lewis loves power.

I did a lot of weird things.

I really did.

I was in chess club.

I was in musical theater.

I was in all these things that you wouldn't expect me to be in.

Oh, I know you weren't in musical theater.

Chess surprised me.

Yeah.

But musical theater, I know that about it.

I didn't know how to play chess and I joined the chess club.

Did you do good?

No, I never won a single match.

I don't know how to play to this day.

Why did you join?

I just know how the pieces move.

Why did you join the?

Because I thought it'd be hilarious to join chess club.

It was what was going to be the punchline.

Yeah.

The punchline was like, look, I'm in chess club.

Ooh.

I go, and so play me.

Okay.

This guy goes right here.

Treasurer, there's only one Jew on this panel right now, Big Jay Oakerson.

I'm looking over at you.

You think I ever wanted to get involved in the student government?

Maybe.

Never once.

The only thing I ever did school activity-wise like that was I joined the safety patrol because they let you leave 15 minutes or so before school was over.

Do a sweep money.

Do a sweep.

No, to go.

To what?

To do what?

I'll tell you exactly to do what?

You stay on the fucking.

pedophiles going after you.

And then the rest of the kids are going to be able to do that.

I run decoy.

I run decoy.

They send me out there with my fucking volumptuous curves.

Whoa, who's this fuckable fat kid?

And then I just run like in a figure eight through the neighborhood trying to keep them off the tail.

Can you imagine, by the way, like the pedophiles chasing after Chris and Dan?

And they go, Jay Okerson and Tim Dylan will distract him.

And the pedophiles, like, what?

Always.

We're so cushy.

Yeah.

But safety patrol, you'd leave and then you'd be the person.

It was stupid.

They gave you a yellow banner, right?

It was a dumb orange.

It was a dumb idea because, in my mind, I was doing a set.

I hated school so much that I was like, I can get out of school 15 minutes early.

But you have to stay like a half hour past to do this when it's a red light.

As if nobody can understand red lights.

You have to do this, and then when it's green, you drop your arms and go, go ahead.

What if a guy plows through the safety squad?

Well, I was the front line for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, it was my job, I guess, to take the hit.

I guess I had to take the brunt if it did go down.

All right, we'll send Jay Okerson out there.

The teacher goes, yeah, yeah,

that kid's a fucking tank.

The safety thing is digging into my fucking tit meet.

Chris team.

He'll at least stop a Saturn.

Chris went to college.

He was a good student, good kid.

Yeah.

My fifth grade, dude, I literally thought I could make the NBA.

When i was in fifth grade i swear to god when i was in fifth grade i used to get a mushroom haircut from super cuts and then shout out to the room i swear to god dude and then i would ask my cousin downstairs to braid it because i want it to be so i would get the super cut haircut from my mom and then my cousin would braid it and i would go shoot jump shots could your cousin braid you know my cousin's puerto rican girl yeah she would just braid my hair

and so and so i wouldn't i would say i would say yeah i I'm not, I play ball.

I don't even think, I went to Catholic school.

I don't think we had a student council.

Dan was ripping butts by this point.

He doesn't give a shit about politics.

No.

I was acting.

I was on a tour.

Tim was also ripping butts, but they were different butts.

I was ripping butts.

They were producer butts.

I was touring on a tour, which you guys know about fifth and sixth grade.

I was acting.

It was like barely in school.

Yeah, but you guys could have had some like floating government, you know, a child actor.

They go, why don't it be fun?

Actor kids are like, we should make our own government.

They go, oh.

My initial instinct on this one, which I'm going to stick with, is Luis J.

Gomez.

You're an idiot.

I I think he tries to jump in.

You're a fool.

Well, you say so.

I don't think I'm a fool.

I think you're going to give a bunch of points right now to Chris fucking D.

That's why I think it's happening.

Chris D could also be the one.

I think this is Chris.

It could very much be the one.

I don't think that Tim would lie to me twice in one game.

I'm not going to lie.

I do think it's Louis.

I really think it's Chris.

Dan.

He showed his mind's work on his.

I wish that we had a camera on that to see.

You made something that wasn't a letter.

You turned like a T into a C.

Yeah, I was gonna just edit it because I was gonna go Tim, and then I was like, No, you're an idiot, dude.

We're giving Chris.

Why do you care?

This is Chris because I want to win.

Why do you care?

It's Chris because Dan's in the league.

What if it's Dan?

Oh, if it's Tim, I think it's Hashi Chris.

Now, but I put

you voted Dan.

Nobody voted Dan.

I fucking wish, bro.

All right.

Everyone wish I was in the government.

Alex.

That story belongs to Tim Dylan.

You lied again.

I lied again, you son of a bitch.

See?

I know it.

Yeah.

I knew it.

You got me.

I knew it, dude.

You got me.

See?

I know it, dude.

You really.

This is why Lewis doesn't trust men.

Yes.

You lied right to my face twice in one day.

You said it out loud.

Tim wouldn't lie to me twice.

Remember when I told you I need

advances from Gas Digital to pay my rent?

Yeah.

And then I would take a photo of like a lobster I bought with it.

This is it.

This is who you are.

Oh, yeah.

Who won this student council treasurer position?

A girl named Andrea Zuckerman.

Zucker something.

And she was like, of course you're trying to call it.

Feldman, sorry, Andrea Feldman, and she had red hair.

And she won.

And

now we're killing a lot of people in Gaza.

Butterfly effect.

It's what happens.

That's all I'm going to say.

Yeah.

Now that fat kids at Gaza.

I love that like.

Astronomy Kutchers, girlfriends, a methane.

Everybody wants to be like student council president and shit.

And then Tim's like, I'll control the books.

You thought of him first, Tim.

You said Tim right away and you got swayed, dude.

Fuck.

I thought it was you.

I thought I was threatening cuts.

Chris, I thought it was going to be you too.

I thought maybe your father taught you how to cook the books or something.

That's exactly it.

That's true.

He's like, that's my dad.

He always does stuff with voiceovers when he's remembering it.

That's my dad.

He taught me.

I'm getting my fucking dick kicked in right now, Alex.

We are.

Ah, fuck.

Tim might have just caught up to me.

On the scoreboard in last place with two points.

Louis J.

Gomez.

Oh, damn, Tim.

You got double points

with four points.

Big Jay Okerson.

Tide with eight points each.

Dan Soder and Chris DeStefano.

And in the lead with 11 points, Tim Dillon.

There he is.

Son of a bitch.

That was a big move.

It's your week, buddy.

It is your week.

Wow.

That's a tip.

I hope House Hunters takes your number ninth spot on Netflix.

Don't say that.

It's going to happen.

The algorithm's listening.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number six.

Anybody's game still.

Story number six.

One year, I failed a class and had to go to summer school.

Lewis.

Then I had to switch summer schools because I was violently threatened on the first day.

This is a Chris or Jay story.

This seems like a Jay.

Jay went to school with black people.

Black people violently threatened

Big Jay.

Yeah.

Well, this is summer school, but all right.

This feels like a Chrissy D story.

No, I never went to summer school, man.

My mom made me go to school.

She was very, I could not be how my dad turned out.

I went to summer school one year, but I was not violent.

I was doing the violent threatening.

Right.

Yeah, but maybe you just changed your perspective for the points.

This is his easy pass moment.

Is it possible Schoter went to summer school?

I did go to summer school.

Okay.

But I was not violently threatened.

You think Dan was a great student?

I wasn't saying that.

I don't know why you could be mean about it.

I went to summer school.

Tim is too smart for summer school.

No, I went to summer school, but you did.

Yeah, but they wouldn't let me.

Like, I wouldn't be able to.

You can't, first of all, how do you switch summer schools?

Where do you go?

Go to another district?

It doesn't even make sense.

Yeah, because it was.

What other school school do you go to?

Summer school is where you're going to be threatened in every summer school.

Yeah.

That is true, though, because it all filtered into one school.

Yeah, summer school was not, every district didn't have their own summer school, so I don't know how that even happened.

Well, where did you go to school, Chris?

Queens?

Yeah, Archbishop Malloy.

That's right.

Let's go, Cougars.

Come to the meetings, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

This is just off instinct, off pure instinct.

Off pure instinct.

I feel like it's Chris.

Nope.

I feel like his parents made him leave.

He said he was threatened.

His parents made him leave.

He didn't probably want to leave, but they were like, you're not going to get in a fight.

You're not going to fuck it up.

I'm thinking it's Chris.

No.

It's also.

Look at Chris's face right now.

No.

He can't really.

It is Chris.

He's just pointing for some reason.

You know what?

And it could be Tim.

It's fully Chris.

He goes, I think we have a clip of it.

Yeah.

Chris didn't say any words.

He's just pointing

fully Chris.

He goes, Deuce, not school in the summer.

No, because I think it was Tim because

he switches summer schools because he tells the school that his disabled aunt was kidnapped, and that's what it is.

It's Chris.

It's not me.

I swear it's not.

It's Chris.

I mean, Tim is

Tim is making a great point right now.

But also, Tim is smarter than all of us.

No, it's not true.

That's not true.

Tim could want us all to vote wrong.

Tim's the scientist and we're the chimps.

I do not believe.

I do not believe you.

Listen, I think it's Chris.

I think it's Big J because that's, again,

it's a Jewish thing.

It's Jewish no Chris it's not

you guys are gonna feel dumb

you guys are gonna feel dumb maybe

maybe watch this

big J Lewis what are you writing Amy

Chris Amy hungry

I never went to summer school you can ask my mom

because it's a Jewish thing to do big Jay went I know that I am Jason is a country star

it sounds like I'm being racist but I believe that went.

Nobody ever been to Richard.

Jay went to school in fucking Philly.

It was a very 100.

Nobody's taking Jay out of a Philly school for this.

Think of where Jay went to school.

Who's switching Jay to another school?

Think about it.

They're going to Jay and going, deal with it.

Unless I'm totally wrong, which I could be, but it feels like this is a Bishop Malloy thing.

This is not a Philly thing.

My mother would tell me to deal with it for sure.

This is not a Philly thing.

Jay's had a lot of problems with being

a business.

If this happened to Jay, they'd just send him to bed.

They don't have a problem being Jay at all.

Jay's a real pussy is what I'm saying.

Lock it in, bro.

It's not me.

Lock it in, Big Jay Oakerson.

He belongs to Big Jay.

Yes.

I'm really going to win.

It's a Jewish thing to do.

I've lost all respect for Philadelphia.

Yeah.

Told you.

You're so big when you win a super.

Oh, fuck.

Jay, what happened here?

I had to go to summer school one year, and they send you to actual Overbrook High School is where summer school was.

I went to a school called Lamberton that was shitty, but West, but Overbrook High School was where we had to go.

That's the school where

Fresh Prince got into one little fight and his mom got scared.

Holy shit.

Wow.

Yeah.

Where they got, well, they'll pick you up and spin you around.

Did your mom go like this before?

Yeah.

You're You're moving with your father in Canton, Ohio.

He doesn't want you, so you're coming back.

He fucking jazzy jeffed you out of it.

No, so I had to go to Overbrook, and my mom dropped me off in the morning, and it was...

I don't know what the reverse of the turd in the punch bowl is, but that's what it was.

I was the only white face in this entire.

Oh, my little piece of parmesan.

I mean,

and I remember, I always remember the kid.

His name was John Walden.

I saw the first like black friend of mine, school friend, uh, at the top of the steps, and I was like, oh, nice, like a friendly face.

And I was like, John, and he went

and ignored me.

And then I got away outside.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was like, and I, yeah, no, I think I had more of like a, oh, okay, okay.

Like, oh, I didn't win.

So, like, then they let us all in.

They let us all into the school.

And then there was somewhere I found out right away.

Like, my class wasn't for like an hour or so.

So I was there way early.

And they go, but you can't just linger in the school for the hour.

You got to go outside.

So I went back outside and I go, I called my mom from the phone.

There's no cell phones.

I call her from the payphone in the school.

I was like, hey, can you come get me?

Because I don't want to hang out around here for an hour.

Like, we'll get breakfast or something, please.

And she was like, all right, fine.

But she goes, but come to the curb because I'm not stopping.

And she goes, this neighborhood's crazy.

It was bad.

It's a bad neighborhood.

And so I was waiting on the corner.

And then while I was waiting for her, a car pulled up with loud music and weed smoke billowing out of it.

And the guy in the driver's seat, it's four people in the car.

And the guy in the driver's seat goes, yo, my man, come here.

They were black.

He goes, yeah, my man, come here.

And I go over like a doofus.

I'm like, and he goes, nah, come here.

And I put my head like almost out of the window.

And he reaches over his passenger and grabs me and pulls me into the window.

He goes, yo, you got some money for me?

And I went, no.

And he goes, but you're going to have some tomorrow, right?

And I was like, yes.

And he goes, and you're going to have some for me every day for the rest of the summer, aren't you?

And I went, uh-huh.

And then he goes, Yeah.

And he let me go and he drove away.

And then my mom pulled up and my lip was quivering.

And I got in the car and she was like, What's wrong?

And I was like, I can't go back here.

Or you have to give me money to give to a guy every day.

She was like, you're going to have to become school treasurer.

So

to get that money,

siphon it.

You're going to siphon it to him.

You're going to have to skim off the top, baby.

So it cost, my other friend was in summer school that year, and his mom paid for him to go to some, it was like a hundred bucks.

And you would get the summer school credit, but you went to one classroom.

with every kid, it didn't matter what you were there for, PE, history, it didn't matter.

You were sitting in there and it was a guy with, it was a black dude with so many

prefixes and suffixes on his name.

It was like Dr.

Reverend something, something, Esquire, DDS, Lutheran.

And he didn't teach us anything except what he wanted to teach us.

He would just say about it.

It was like prison knowledge.

He was like, when the head of the mafia dies, the whole mafia falls apart.

It's like the head of the snake.

And then he would quiz us on that shit.

And then we got credit for summer school.

Nice.

Jay comes out, wearing one of those Muslims.

I was like, You see, mom,

what I should have done was spoken to that man about his inquiry into my money.

I should have said it is my money, but if we need a community, I would share it if it would come back to me tenfold, brother.

Emma,

good morning, beloved.

Assalamu alaikum, mom.

Asalam alaikum.

Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamuum, mom.

Solid.

Alex, after six rounds, it was a big shake-up just now.

Big Jay got some points.

Where are our points at?

All right, everyone.

On the scoreboard in last place with six points, Luis J.

Gomez.

It was a big round for you.

Tied for third place with eight points each.

Big J.

Ogerson and Dan Soder.

Fuck this game.

Stupid.

Oh, you're going to lie to me?

I was going to stay together again, but I guess, fuck this game.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

No, I don't care.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

Baby.

Come on.

Baby, take those pants.

Come on now.

In second place with 11 points, Tim Dylan.

Oh,

damn.

Wow.

And in the lead with 12 points, Chris DeStar.

Pull it out.

Molloy, we come back.

We don't go to summer school.

It is funny when the stories aren't about you and everyone's like, this piece of shit.

Yeah, shit.

Like, it's got to be scumbag Chrissy.

Oh, that story?

That's this fucking like.

That's my first story tonight.

Everybody, every story has been like, this seems like some Philly fuckface.

We're like, you fucking Jew.

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

I was doing a bar show and I thought I saw one of my friends in the back of the room.

I snuck through the crowd and surprised him by running up and tickling him.

It wasn't my friend.

Chrissy D.

This is so Chrissy D.

I thought Lewis.

I thought Lewis.

I don't know.

This is Chrissy D.

No, dude, Lewis is a tickler.

I am a tickler.

You can't open it.

You can't stop it.

The funniest part about Jay's looks like a tough guy.

He's got gloves on.

He's so ticklish.

It's adorable.

Stop on P.

Come in and pee.

Those pretty girls.

No, look, Lewis.

Lewis tickled me in the green room today.

I do tickle.

Yeah, he's a tickle bar.

He's too upfront about it right now.

Dan, you don't seem like a tickle is fucking disgusting.

Even a friend, to start with a tickle.

It's too much intimacy.

No.

Dan's got those long, gangly fingers.

I'm noticing that you're tickling you.

I come across the shadow.

Dan, you're not going to slide up behind somebody and tickle.

I have never acknowledged anyone that I have seen from my past.

I've never acknowledged one person.

Tim would not tickle somebody.

If I saw someone I knew, I would be like, I don't even.

No, you.

It just feels.

Why would I admit to someone?

No, Tim's not a tickler.

Tim's not a tickler.

Tim is the only person on this panel that has sex with men, and he's the straightest of us all.

We're the only ones who would tickle.

Tim would never.

We are all way gayer than Tim.

Lewis, Chris, are you just saying it out loud?

Are you just serial killing it and just saying you did it?

No, it's not me.

I am a tickler.

I believe that this is Chris.

The secret here is the friend.

I saw one of my friends in the back of the room.

Who's more likely to see a friend in the back of the room of a bar show?

And I know, by the way, I never, ever did bar shows.

Yeah, you do.

I ran my own shows.

Never, I mean, like five times in my life, I did.

Getting booked on a bar show is hard.

That was his built-in excuse.

So I goes, well, I mean, my bar shows, I wasn't counting.

Lewis will play games like this.

Yeah, because you

you're running.

Jay didn't do bar shows.

You know what?

These guys absolutely do.

Soder and Tim did a lot of bar shows.

Dan was doing bar shows.

When Dan was doing bar shows, he was drinking a lot.

That's right.

That's a fucking great point.

I wasn't a drunk tickler.

Yeah, you tickled Nate Margotzi.

That's who it was.

You thought it was Nate.

It was some fucking fish.

First off, you don't tickle Nate right into an enemy's hosting position.

He goes, oh, that feels so good.

You're my best friend now.

He goes, in Tennessee, that's how we make friends.

Buddy, you just tickled your way into a best friend.

This could be Dan or Chris, in my opinion.

I feel like it's you or Chris.

I feel like it's you, and you're just saying it out loud.

You can say it to me all you want.

You're going to waste your points, my friend.

It is so hard.

Yeah.

I do not believe this was Tim Dylan at all.

It wasn't me, but I think it was,

I don't know.

Do I see Lewis getting off the stage?

and running towards someone to tickle them or do I see Chris doing it?

It's not the clue.

I can see doing it.

The bar show is freaking me out on Lewis.

The bar show is freaking me out on Lewis because he's definitely the most likely to run up.

And that's something, but also that's something that he would put in to throw you off the scent.

Correct.

I was doing a bar show, and I thought I saw one of my friends in the back of the room.

Lewis has, like, Lewis,

New York City friends.

Like, Chris grew up in New York.

Lewis grew up in Westchester, but I guess you could.

Broccoli County.

I know.

I'm being nice.

I don't know.

Who do you think is more likely to see their friend in a bar show?

I feel like this is a Lewis move.

I think it was Dan when his drinking days at a bar show.

I think he thought it was Nate.

No.

I'm going to go with Chris.

I'll probably lose again, but should I go with Lewis?

It's either Soder or

you shouldn't go with me, Timmy.

I wouldn't lie to you.

I'm your real friend.

All right, I'm going with Lewis.

That's Lewis.

That's 100% Lewis right now.

I'm going to go with Lewis right now, but it could be Chris.

It's not me.

It's really not.

Chris.

I'm telling you, it's Dan Soder.

I'm positive.

I don't fuck with tickle monsters.

If it's Dan, I'm dying.

I don't know what Colorado is doing.

When Dan was drinking, Dan would tickle his friends.

Unquestionably.

When did I ever tickle you when I was drunk?

You never tickle you when you're saying

you were a problem when you were drunk.

When you black out, the tickle monster woke up.

That's not possible.

I don't have a tickle monster that lives inside of me.

That was prayed away at a young age.

You know what?

I'm going by first instinct.

I've been losing this whole game because I've been second-guessing myself.

Chris D, he's a tickly, fucking, charming son of a bitch.

Absolutely Louis.

And here it is.

Out of tickle.

Come on.

I'm not in yet.

I'm going, Louis.

Don't you dare.

You're fucking letting somebody pull ahead so far, Jay.

You're an idiot.

You're a fool.

You're a fool.

Jay, don't let your hand go.

Fuck, you're an idiot.

I swear in my son's life, that's not me.

Alex.

That wouldn't stop him.

I still don't believe.

By the way, I found out 75% of the time when he says that he's lying.

Right?

I have the AI guy told me that.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

That story belongs to Dan Soda.

Fuck, you are a tickle monster.

Drinking Dan.

Turns out I'm a drunk tickler.

You see, I was concerned about Dan's alcoholism, and that's how I knew that.

That's crazy.

The truth is, this was after I quit drinking.

Oh, really?

That's crazy then.

You just like to tickle.

It's crazy.

I don't know.

I like to bring joy to people.

I was at a bar show in Brooklyn and Billy Wayne Davis.

Yeah.

We were both on Whiplash at UCB that night.

It was like a Monday, and I was at like Cheyenne Nimesh's show in Brooklyn.

And I see a guy in the back.

I'm like, oh, it's Billy Wayne.

And I just walked in.

So I went through the crowd.

This is what makes it worse.

Can I say something?

A person who you think could be a person named Billy Wayne, when it's not the right person, is a person you shouldn't shouldn't tickle from behind.

Well, I took a shot at Love, Jay.

Yeah, you wouldn't accidentally tickle like a Tyler.

Yeah.

But as I went through the crowd and I got closer to him, I started going, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Oh, God.

And then I fucking,

I got into the dude's rib cage and got like three good ticks off.

And then I looked up and he was going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have a picture of me and the dude in my phone.

Because I was like, this is so funny.

I got to take a picture and show my friend Billy Wayne that you look exactly like him.

But I just remember coming through that packed-ass room going, dick up there.

I mean, the run-up is the craziest part.

You're watching your cell phone though.

I should have got knocked out.

You're gearing yourself up.

Yeah, I should have been black as fucking wild.

Imagine the guy would have just started coming.

Yeah.

He goes, oh, okay.

You're mine now.

All right, Alex, where are our points at?

I mean, Dan just cleaned fucking up.

I told you guys it wasn't me.

Chris got him.

Chris got him.

I started smiling.

Yeah, I knew it, dude.

Check the tick.

On the scoreboard, in last place with six points, Luis J.

Gomez.

In fourth place with eight points, Big Jay Okerson.

Not last.

In third place with 11 points, Tim Dylan.

What happened?

What the hell?

In second place with 14 points, Dan Soder.

What the fuck?

How many points has he had?

What the fuck?

And in the lead with 16 points, Chris DeStefano.

This is crazy.

Oh my god, it is shaking up.

Who is going to take home the light within the light?

You've already won, Chris.

Portraits of Donald Hall, Richard Wilbur, Maxine Kuhman, and Stanley Kunitz.

The light within the light illuminates the personal and professional landscapes of four distinguished poets, offering readers a window into their creative processes.

Bram's insightful commentary and the inclusion of Barry Moser's wood engravings enrich the textual portraits.

The work stands as a testament to the enduring power of poetry and the human spirit.

Are you guys ready

for our final story of the night?

Wow.

Wow.

Light within the light.

It's a page turner.

Alex, our final story.

Story number eight.

Story number eight.

I tried to kiss someone on a roller coaster and went in at the wrong moment.

We hit a bump and accidentally butted heads, breaking their nose.

Everyone's going to say me.

I promise you it isn't.

Because that bitch would have been dead.

No.

That also seems like some dirty New Jersey, close to Philly, six flags.

Bullshit.

That Big Jay would do.

It's not even a roller coaster.

It's just a shopping cart on top of a car.

Exit 7A off the turnpike, dude.

Six flags.

That sounds like someone from Delco County would do that.

Yeah.

Jay to how me and your dad met.

Jay, when he was younger, had no game.

He was afraid of women.

Wow,

afraid's the wrong way to put it.

That's mean.

Now I think it's you, you piece of shit.

I always had game.

Yeah.

Ah, this feels.

It says their nose, so it could be Tim because he could have just changed it from.

Gay people don't go on roller coasters in what are you talking about?

Yeah, they go into rest stops off the highway.

Yeah, who's going to roller coaster?

I can't cruise a fucking craziest thing ever.

Yeah.

Hey, how about you suck a dick while we're going like this?

What are you trying to get off?

It's an insane thing.

Trying to get your dick bit off?

This is a Chrissy D story.

No, well, you know what?

It could be Dan because Dan's got a fucking...

Look at his head.

I'm telling you right now.

That's a head that would break something.

The story would have started.

I turned a girl quadriplegic.

I decapitated a girl on the roller coaster.

I snapped her spine like a roller coaster.

Dan had put you in a roller coaster.

It's like a final destination death.

I legally can't ride roller coasters with this head.

We hit a button.

I honestly think think it's Baxter.

We've got any butted heads breaking.

It's Chrissy D.

This sounds like a Chrissy D.

So Chris head game always, always a good-looking dude.

And then he was like slick enough to be like, oh, man.

I have a lot of stories from Chris.

Yo, you're just so kissable.

Ooh, ooh, it hurts.

You're so pretty.

Ooh, you so fun.

Damn, I got to get it right now.

I got to get it right now.

Yo, give it to me on the Great American Stream Show.

Yo, shout out.

Keep your hands inside the car

this is chrissy d 100 chrissy d no

it's again it's snow it's big jet it no guys i know it's chrissy this way that's again

no

how many times do i have to tell you it's snowman oh yeah use it uh no i uh what do you think i'm thinking i'm also

i'm leaning toward chrissy i honestly don't go on rides like that

He goes, bro, after I broke that bitch's nose, oops.

Oops.

Would you believe she still sucked the bra?

I don't mind a little fucking sauce on my noodle.

Do you remember the time you broke the girl's nose on the loop-de-de-loop?

Everyone voted Chrissy D.

I meant to tell you that almost fucked me in the long run.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

This is our final story.

I have no idea who's going to win this.

I can't even.

I don't remember what the points are.

Whose story was this, Alex?

It's not us, Lewis.

It's not us.

We're not winning, unquestionably.

That story belongs to Chris DeStefano.

So,

yep.

So who wins?

Well, we'll tell in a minute, but Chris went.

Yeah,

at Hershey Park

in Pennsylvania.

This girl, Lisa, we all went down there.

I was like 16, and my boys were sitting behind me, and they were like, whole time, they're like, yo, Daredevil kissed her, dare to kiss her.

And I was like, I'm gonna go for it on the roller coaster.

It's called The Comet.

Nice.

And her shoes, a wooden roller coaster, and we're going up, right?

And I'm like, I'm gonna do it at the top.

Like, at the very top, is when I'm gonna do it.

Were you about to hit her with a line?

Like, you want to make this coaster even more of a thrill ride?

And it was one of those, like, you got to be this tall to ride Chrissy D.

Yeah.

It was like a lap bar, right?

It wasn't, so I, we could move.

So I said, I'm just going to go in and kiss her.

And I, because it was beautiful

like at the top, it was like twilight.

And I was gonna, my plan was, I was like, hey, look over, look at this beautiful sky.

And so my plan was like, oh, look over.

It was the sky is gorgeous.

And she went to like, look, and then I turned to kiss her, and the roller coaster started descending, and it hit because it's wooden, it hit like a piece, and my head just slammed to her head.

And she literally covered in blood.

And then the ride is going, you know, 80 miles an hour.

My friends behind me were all getting sprayed with blood.

So high

so she literally we get back into the station and she's hysterical crying did it look like when Fabio got hit by that pigeon yeah yeah dude it was so bad and my boys were like you know like blood all over the shirt I'll never forget dude my one of my friends my friend Pete shut up he he had blood all over shirt he was mad he goes this is a brand new Ed Hardy

expensive too yeah it was remember that was big back then and then we went to the tent at her.

She part of the hospital thing they have there.

And I went with her, of course, and they're patching up her nose.

And now she has two huge tissues up her nose.

And then my friend Pete goes, I dare you to try to kiss her again.

And I did.

I swear to God, we kissed.

Swear to God.

There you did.

What it is.

Wow, forgive.

I love it.

All great stories.

Alex, what is our final tally?

All right, our final scores

in last place with 10 points,

Luis J.

Gomez.

I rarely come in last.

I have the most wins in Star Wars history.

You gotta be humbled.

Yeah, once in a while, you gotta lose one big.

In fourth place with 12 points,

Big Jay Ogerson.

Pete Lewis.

That feels good.

Pete Lewis.

In third place with 15 points, points, Tim Dillon.

In second place

with 16 points,

Chrissy D.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

And your winner tonight with 18 points, Dan Soder.

Yes.

Dan Soder.

you are taking home a brand new copy of the light within the life.

Portraits of Donald Hall, Richard Wilbur, Maxine Kuhlman, and Stanley Kunis by Gene Bram.

My father fought in Vietnam, but he couldn't win that war.

I had to win this one.

Congratulations, Dan.

You are the newest story warrior, and now you get a certain privilege.

Double points!

Yes!

Free me from my prison.

Everybody, thank you for being here for the story.

Did you ladies have a great time?

Fuck yeah, they did.

One more big round of applause for everybody on our panel.

Your winner, Dan Soner.

Great Christian Steph, no specials on Hulu.

Tim Dillon, who's special available right now on Netflix.

But Chef, baby.

For the Story Warriors, I'm Big Jay Operson.

I'm the Porter of Karatosic Luis Shay Gomez.

We'll catch you next time.

Until then, peace.

Thank you.