037. Tony Hinchcliffe, Kim Congdon, & Ari Matti | Lies

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Fill her up.

You're listening to the gas and human.

Ladies and gentlemen, live from Comedy Mothership, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Ogerson and Louis J.

Gomez.

What the fuck is up?

Comedy Mothership.

Let's go!

Round two!

Who was at the Story Wars?

Sorry, who was at the early show?

Who was not at the early show?

Okay, love it.

Love it.

Different crowd.

Good.

Sort of a different crowd.

Kind of a different crowd.

Half a different crowd.

This girl is in the exact same seat.

I know it's a weird.

I know.

It is crazy.

Well, you got rid of your family.

That's strange.

Yeah, that girl.

You had a whole family with you earlier.

Where'd they go?

You're just hammered.

She's like, fuck you guys.

Okay, well.

That hurts.

Well, it was a weird way to say it.

You're going going to be like, oh, they were tired.

They didn't enjoy the first one.

And was like, just give the other ones away.

She couldn't even move one of the tickets.

There's one empty seat right there.

Fuck.

Mother fuck, that hurts.

Right.

But we are your story warriors, Big J.

Okrison, the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, Louis J.

Gomez.

Very exciting to be here.

Very, very exciting.

And we have three amazing contestants coming up here right now on the show in no particular order of importance, everyone.

Our first guests from the

Kim Congdon Takeover and our special childless MILF on YouTube.

How about it for the hilarious Kimberly Congdon, everybody?

Miss a greed, come and see me in the comments and tell me who's a bad bitch.

If you're a woman and you wanna be a comic, then you gotta be a a bad bitch.

You try to make it in this game, you can't be average.

You gotta be a bad bitch.

Bad bitch.

Gotta be a bad bitch.

Bad bitch.

Bad bitch.

Bad bitch.

And your second guest,

this guy is so funny.

He is a regular on Kill Tony and a regular right here at the Mothership.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Ari Maddie.

Oh, I thought we were all going to sing along.

You guys know the Estonian anthem, no?

I think so.

That was my guest.

And last but not least, our third guest of the evening.

You might know him from the WWE's Roast of WrestleMania, and maybe you know him from a show called Kill Tony right here at the comedy Mothership.

How about it for the hilarious Tony Hitchcliff?

It's been 22 more hard years.

I'm still stuck

in

the rival.

I'm being quite a sick of the streets.

Holy shit.

This is a very, very exciting panel.

This is a crazy panel.

I'm very excited to have all of you guys on competing on Story Wars.

There's maybe a new Story Warrior crown tonight.

I love the fact that you guys finally took my advice and started a show with a format and tables and red microphones and buckets.

This is very exciting, really smart.

Wow, did not make it.

You can't make a noise exactly.

If you take too long to tell your story, then you want to bring up the angry West Hollywood bear.

Lewis is the angry North Jersey bear.

Yes, I am.

Jay is bread ban.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Or bread fan.

Nice.

If you're not familiar with Story Wars, here is a quick overview of how the game is played.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Today's subject, Lewis?

Lies.

Lies.

Alex, our lovely producer, will read these stories off one at a time in no particular order.

It can be two times back-to-back, the same person's story.

And

if it is your story, it is your job to fool the other people that is not your story.

If it is not your story, it is your job to guess whose story it is.

And for each time each story you guess correctly, you get two points.

And for every person you fool, you get one point.

Once you write the name on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in this slot right here and remove your hand.

That is your final answer.

That is your final answer.

You cannot change it.

It seemed very confusing.

You guys will play along.

It'll be a lot of fun.

And by the way, we're not playing for nothing here.

I know it's a lot of fun.

It's a lot of laughs, but ladies and gentlemen, we always have something on the line.

Jay, tell them.

It's a fucking game at the end of the day.

And you have to have something to play for, something to get up for, as they say, in sports.

And today, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library, In Living History

by Hillary Rodden Clinton.

In Living History, Hillary Clinton offers readers a thoughtful reflection on her years in public life, providing personal insights into her role as First Lady, Senator, and influential advocate.

She candidly addresses both the triumphs and controversies that defined her journey, emphasizing her unwavering dedication to improving health care and advocating for children's rights.

I think it's just you open it up and it's hollow on the inside with a noose.

True.

Did she look like that when she was cheated on?

She's hot there.

Hot!

Hot!

No, no, no, no, no.

She's banging.

That was also picture day, though.

It's not bad.

I know.

I wanted to go to.

I want to go, what the fuck are you talking about?

You know what?

Not bad at all.

Not bad at all.

She was pretty toyed when she was younger.

I got to be honest with you.

Damn.

Better than you think.

Yeah.

This would probably pick her spirits up right now if she's watching this.

Hey, Hillary Rodham.

Would

100%.

Would.

Can you imagine eating her out, though?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, I could.

She got a pussy just just like all the other ones.

I could picture it.

What do you say?

Let's get to war.

That is what Hillary would say.

I have a sneaking suspicion this TV is not on again.

No, it's going to be on.

You're fine, Jim.

All right.

Okay.

Well, then, Alex, without any further ado.

Up.

This happened the first show, too, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

It is on?

Yeah.

It's on.

Okay.

Story.

Number one.

It's not on.

That's not on.

Do you guys have a bigger TV budget?

Story number one.

We're looking at an iPad.

Oh, no.

This show ain't going to be picked up

anytime soon.

I remember.

Kill Tony was like this 12 years ago.

Yeah.

I remember.

You're probably going to be able to get it.

We have a lot of

working out the ganks by the time you guys are.

Look, we got the buckets and the red microphones.

You know, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Alex.

Story number one.

I once lied to a dog adoption service about how big my apartment was by sending them pictures of a yard I found online.

Now,

I'll tell you, the only person, the person I know the best on this stage, obviously, is Lewis here.

And I will say, I remember when Lewis got his dog Sport, and I will say he lived in the basement of some place.

And I have to assume nobody would give you that dog.

I didn't adopt my dog.

I bought him off of a website called NextDayPets.com.

Nextdaypets.com.

Who the fuck adulthood?

They sent him in a little crate underneath a plane.

Oh, you did go to the airport to pick up sport.

That was in the poem you wrote.

Yeah, that's right.

So I didn't have to lie to anybody.

I had to pay $500 and they just sent me this dog.

They're like, do what you want with him.

And I did.

My first instinct was Lewis, but now I'm really believing that.

And now I do believe that story.

Yeah, Jay did adopt the dog.

Wait, where do you adopt a dog?

What do they do in Estonia?

You just get one.

It's Tony.

No, literally.

Take one of the loose ones off the street.

I had a dog when I was a kid.

Those are the scars from my face.

The dog bit me.

You know why?

I told my stepdad I want a dog because I watched Lassie and I was like, fuck yeah.

You know, help me with my homework and shit.

And then my stepdad just went to the woods and brought home a baby wolf.

True story.

And then the wolf attacked me, bit me in my fucking face.

We went to the hospital and the next day I asked, why the fuck did the dog attack me?

My stepdad looks at me and goes, it's a wolf.

That is the most war-torn Eastern European story I have ever heard in my life.

And a dog adoption is the most pussy-ass American shit I've ever heard in my life.

You bitch ass.

Get the dog.

It is true.

It is true.

Every story from Ari is going to be like, so I was waiting in line for bread for eight days.

Yes.

My mother was pissing on me and my siblings for heat.

We had to eat the soap.

I mean, look, I know that Jay adopted a dog.

I know that he lived in, you know, a decent-sized apartment for New York City, but it is New York City, and you didn't have a backyard.

So I'm leaning a little Jay.

I don't know that Tony doesn't have a dog.

It's got to be Kim.

It's not me.

We don't have to adopt dogs either in Florida.

We just get them during the hurricanes.

Nice.

Swear to God.

You get free dogs.

Just take off the collar and go, oops.

You just drive up their highway.

They're in fucking boxes on the side of the road.

You'd name it after the hurricane that was happening.

Dude, the way Americans care about your dogs is absolutely insane.

They have like coats and a hospital.

You're like, my dog has a tumor, dude.

Fuck your dog.

I will say that.

Fuck your dog.

My dog's got a weird lump, dude.

I have a lump.

I ain't going to the fucking hospital.

Yeah, dude.

Adopting a dog as a white person.

Yeah, get a new dog.

Yeah.

What do you do for dogs?

Get new dogs.

We pick them up on the side of the road.

Series.

I swear to God.

You had a dog that you picked up on the side of the road?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hurricanes.

People are trying to get rid of them because they have to go find hotels to survive in.

And they have like dog breeding shit.

And they have a bunch of fucking dogs.

And they start giving them away during the hurricanes every season.

If you want a dog, go to Florida, save a life.

Yeah, and then you put them in your backyard, you have them fight, you bet money.

It's a whole Puerto Rican thing.

It's a fun time, Ari.

I would do that.

I know.

Do they still do that in Puerto Rico?

Yeah, yeah.

It's more like cock fights, but.

Oh, that's awesome, too.

No, not that type of cock, Ari.

He's like, oh, I can cockfight, yeah.

No, Tony, we just find our own cock in the woods.

I gotta say, Tony's been pretty quiet during this time.

He's so high and drunk.

That's absolutely retarded.

I will say he is high and drunk.

Yeah, it is there.

It's ridiculous.

We got very high and drunk in the green room.

Yes.

Hell yeah, dude.

I'm going to start the voting right now.

Big Jay Ogerson, I know he's got a dog.

I know he adopted it.

I know that he has no backyard.

So Big Jay Ogerson is my answer.

I think I'm going to do that too.

I don't think Tony would go to an adoption place for a dog.

Let me warn you all that Lewis is a conniving piece of shit and this is him.

Well, we know fucking Wolf Catcher over here didn't adopt a dog.

If it was you.

Wait, wait, is that a tell me?

When you lie to you cough.

Oh, it's a Russia.

We cut out told people.

No, I just remember that we're supposed to.

Okay, yeah, I fucked that up.

Like, it's definitely not me, obviously, right?

I'm going.

Estonia isn't even real.

Show them?

Oh, yeah, man.

You put them in the slot.

When you put in the slot, you final answer.

You told the rules three times, you drunken asshole.

Yeah, I don't know.

Alex, all of our stories are in.

I think we've been fucking tricked over here.

This might be a recent adoption by Ari Maddie.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

You guys have definitely been tricked.

No, that story belongs to Tony Hinchcliffe.

What did you expect?

Me to lose

Clean fucking sweep.

Tony Hench Cliff story number one.

What did you do with this dog, Tony?

It was a, it was a very, it was a

tiniest apartment.

Where's the dog?

Girlfriend was the one that wanted the dog.

And fucking.

And

we did it.

We got a little tiny dog in a tiny little apartment.

Unbelievably tiny.

So I went, yeah, I went online and I googled like backyard.

And

I literally, I'm like, I'm not going to screenshot like the first one.

So I scrolled like twice like that, clicked on one, screenshotted it because they wanted a fucking picture.

I'm like, I'm going to get this dog.

And then, bad, they're like, wow, what a perfect yard.

Take the fucking dog.

It needs saved.

Did your ex take this dog?

She has it now?

Yep.

The dog lives a prosperous, prosperous, unbelievable life.

It actually lives in Chicago now.

Little pepper.

It's the youngest rising puppy.

One of the fastest rising puppies.

I guess it's like fucking

14 or 15 now.

Jesus Christ.

I'm an old man.

That dog's about to die.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That dog's not with your picture in your head.

It's got like a milky eye now.

It's got one of those like half wheelbarrows that its bad legs are in.

It's on its last thought.

Like, I just wish I had a yard.

Yeah.

Yeah, this dog got blue.

Yeah, he did.

They show the picture of the yard to the dog.

He's all happy, dude.

It just starts pissing all over.

It's like,

doesn't know why it loves the picture of the yard so much.

Never seen a yard, never seen a yard.

Fucked up apartment.

It's like a kidnapping situation.

We made sure at that point to torture the dog permanently.

No, he might.

No, I'm kidding.

Jesus God.

Alex, where are our points at?

You know, when people don't laugh, that means that they truly think it's believable what you just said.

So I'm like, yeah, I tortured my dog for 18 years.

He's like, okay, next story.

Tony Hinchcliffe, evil overlord who tortures dogs.

Yeah.

They remained a puppy forever.

It's true.

Like Jim Morrison, dude.

Forever young.

Alex, where are our points at?

On the scoreboard with four points.

Tony Hinchcliffe.

That's it.

That is it.

Oh, this is a scoreboard.

Nobody thought it was Tony's still.

Clean sweep.

I always pictured Tony having a big apartment.

No, God, no.

Especially then.

So dramatic.

Especially then.

All right, let's take a quick moment and help out all of our smelliest story warriors out there.

And look, if you play the Story Warriors game at home with your friends or with the game, we know you're sweating.

It's a high-stakes, crazy, energetic game.

And you guys probably are a little bit smelly at this point.

And by the way, deodorant is no longer just for your armpits, but everywhere, all over your body.

This is a new thing.

A lot of people are advertising this now, but Mando was one of the first people to do it.

Total body deodorant for everywhere you have a little crack or crevice, your balls, your grundle, your undertits, your fucking back, your feet, anywhere where you can smell, Mando has you literally and figuratively covered.

Listen, Story Warriors, you're fat.

And your girlfriend probably is too.

There's no reason you both have to smell terrible.

Very unlikely that you're fat and you have just a smoking hot, unsmelly girlfriend.

Let's get real.

Listen, maybe,

maybe.

Once in a blue.

Once in a blue.

The king of queens, the fuck out of here.

Look, they have everything.

They have cream deodorant, stick deodorant.

They have spray deodorant that's aluminum-free.

All of their deodorants are paraben-free.

I don't know what parabens are, but they seem like they're nasty little things.

Little buggers.

Go right now.

Support the products that support us, everyone.

If you go right now, we have a special offer.

If you use Code Wars over at shopmando.com at checkout, you're going to get $5 off that starter pack.

And that starter pack is a great way to go.

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One more time, shopmando.com, code wars at checkout for $5 off that starter pack.

Here's to a confident, odor-free 2025.

All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, let's do story number two.

Story number two.

Me and a friend set up a donation bucket for the homeless.

We used the money to buy concert tickets.

All right.

That has YouTube written all over it, dude.

It does, and I know it's not me, so I think this is Lewis.

Jay loves concerts.

Jay goes to a lot of concerts.

I love concerts.

He would do anything to go to a concert.

I will say that

Kim looks the most homeless up here, so it's believable for her.

Well, where Ari's from everyone's home.

That's true.

And no one plays concerts.

And we don't set up donation buckets for Louis.

It's called democracy.

Help yourself.

Figure it out.

Yeah.

You fuck.

I will say this smells of Puerto Rican.

Yeah.

And it's not me.

I don't go to concerts like that.

You're telling me.

I've been to a lot of of concerts.

Lewis, this is a brilliant idea.

I will say that this is an amazing idea.

I want it to be my idea.

It is your idea.

It is your idea, yeah.

Yeah.

I guess maybe it is.

Let's see.

Put your vote in.

What concert was it?

Incubus.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

she got me.

You piece of shit.

Let me tell you how good Lewis is this game, though.

This probably is him, and it was for Incubus.

and somehow if history serves me correctly on this show i will somehow convince everybody else it's not lewis

to the point where they'll change their answers and then it'll be lewis and then he wins again and i go to three and 32

come every week to lose to feel bad uh

yeah i to be honest with you jay does go to a lot of concerts i don't believe that jay would have the balls to go this is a ballsy badass guy move in my opinion uh I'll have to go.

I'm not a really badass, fucking real-ass dude would do that.

This is the type of thing a really good-looking guy in a baseball cap with a mustache would do.

A class act.

Great father.

I could see this being Tony Henchcliffe.

Tony's fucking like all classy and rich now.

Tony grew up as a piece of shit.

Yeah.

An actual piece of shit.

And he was a shady motherfucker doing.

Rich, yes.

Do you read Tony as classy?

Is that the thing?

I mean,

it's not even a dig.

I just like, it's like, what is he like?

Pinkies out?

Like, espresso?

This is yardless behavior, but

this stinks of Lewis to me.

Lewis is a piece of shit that will step over the homeless to get to a concert that I promised you was a shitty band.

Lewis, is it you?

No.

Yes, it is.

Let me ask you.

Waste your votes.

She just soulbothered you, dude.

She just soulbothed you.

Jay, is it you?

Jay is throwing it on me so fucking hard right now.

You know what I'm going to do here?

Because I like it.

I like it like this.

I notice.

We all looked this way the whole goddamn time.

And then

I realize someone's awfully quiet over here.

You've never been to a conversation.

Never been to a concert?

What is even concert?

I kill everyone.

What is ticket?

Do you mean walkthrough?

what is music

we have to consider that he just said he's never been to a concert that seems insane that's crazy and also he put up the vote before anybody else which is typically a tell in this game oh

ari or you've really never been to any concert ever i went to one it was a marilyn manson concert how'd you get the money for those tickets my sister bought them

stealing from the homies

your sister a donation bucket in estonia wouldn't work, guys.

I would assume that.

Yeah.

Or it would just be filled with shit you wouldn't want, like a fucking half a sandwich or like

a big rock.

A rock.

But a big one.

Yeah, your homeless don't do shit.

They just put up the bucket and just sit there like a fucking fool.

Yeah, and then Tony picks their name out of it and they come up and get a good sleep.

Keeping the homeless on stage for 20 years.

That's it.

That's how it happens.

I did notice a guy.

I was walking here yesterday, and there was a homeless guy that had a camera, a really, really, really, really, really nice camera.

And it said, get your picture taken, you know, real quick, professionally, fucking $5 or $10 or whatever.

But he's like laying there, like, totally, like,

right, like total homeless.

Looks homeless, but with a great camera.

Damn.

And

I took his camera.

No, I'm kidding.

But I thought to myself, it's great when they contribute in some way.

Yeah, they should.

Like, you go to Spain, they're all dancing on a slack line.

That's dressed as Superman.

Yeah, yeah, they do shit.

Play a guitar.

Impressive.

Slack line.

Here is just a shitty sign.

I'm going with Lewis.

This is Louis J.

Gomez.

He's an unscrupulous piece of shit.

This is what just fucking.

This is what Jay does.

He always does bubble letters when it's in.

Cohed and Cambrie or something.

You know what?

I gotta be honest with you.

I don't know if that is a tell of mine.

Did I write bubble letters?

Did you write bubble letters?

Very possible.

It's when he's nervous, he needs to have extra lines in there.

You might be right about it.

I don't know if that's true, but this is Lewis.

I'm going Big Jay Oakerson.

He was going to see fucking

the insane clown posse, and he's trying to throw it on me right now.

The only time I saw the insane clown posse is when you made me go see them.

Big Jay's my answer.

Yeah, they said we can get them red, but they said we can't make them work.

This is still your home club, you know.

Timmy, you're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

You're giving Big Big Jay fucking.

You're not.

He's trying to bully you.

He's taking advantage of the fact that you are severely inebriated.

I'm

not going to be able to accept that.

I wouldn't lie to you like this.

It's Lewis.

Look at me.

If it's not Lewis, it's not me.

Which one of you would lie to me?

Well, I would definitely lie to you.

I have a history of lying to Kim.

Oh, and I can never read it, dude.

He's really good.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

She'll buy it.

Lying is his stand-up, dude.

Okay, that was mean.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I mean, I'm letting you know right now, it wasn't me.

I don't think it was Ari.

I don't think it was Tony.

I don't think it was Kim.

I genuinely believe it's Big Jay.

Fuck Jay.

He doesn't believe it.

Look me in the eyes with your sweet little blue eyes.

Fuck.

I'm going to go.

I think it's Lewis.

You guys are fools.

You're right.

Fucking idiots.

All right.

Big Jay is just caught up in Tony Hinchcliffe.

Big Jay.

Look at me.

He just caught up on Twitch.

Look at his sweet blue eyes.

Did you do this?

You can't tell you if this is Lewis for sure.

It's not me.

Wow.

You're starting to change the break.

Right to Tony Hinscliffe's face.

You didn't set up a donation bucket

to get to go to a concert?

I've done a similar thing in my life, but not for a concert.

I also have.

He's fucking breaking.

You guys are idiots.

I'll give you this fun fact right now.

I didn't really go to concerts until I was a little bit older, for sure.

I didn't go to concerts young.

Jay did this when he was 35 years old.

You'd be blown away.

Oh, oh no, Tony, you're fucking up, dude.

Oh, you're fucking up.

Wait a minute.

I don't like the baby story.

You can't change it.

You can't.

You can't change it.

I can't change it.

No.

Kim, you're safe.

All right.

She is.

It's like a fucking clan meeting in here, dude.

Fucking crazy.

Relax.

It's over.

Alex, all of our stories are in.

They went crazy.

That story belongs to Louis J.

Of course.

It was obvious.

Dude, I had that out 15 minutes ago.

He was so passionately.

It was 100% incubus.

That's actually the thing that made me vote.

When you said he's probably lying and it's probably incubus, I went, he would do that.

Yeah, not only that, the cops came and they fucking took our money bucket away from us.

Yeah, we did it for like three days in a row.

And we kept on getting more and more money.

Like, this is a fucking brilliant idea, dude.

We're so close to incubus tickets.

What did you write on the sign?

I don't know.

We just fucking, it was like one of those big jugs.

We like sold it from my friend's parents' house.

And we just said, you know, support the homeless or something.

There's these little weird.

And you look like you do now.

And they still gave money.

No, I was fatter and more pierced.

And yeah, I don't, you know, it was very obvious.

People just called the cops on us.

They were like,

they're obviously not collecting money for the homeless.

I, uh, me and Lewis, the connective tissue in us is unspoken.

It's because I have, that's why I thought it was Lewis, because I went around not for a concert, but collecting money.

I was like, if you just knock on doors and say, I'm collecting money for Jerry's kids,

they just give you money.

Jerry Seinfeld's kids.

Yeah, yeah.

But my mom mom found out and she made me give the money back and apologized to everybody.

So I learned my lesson before I got to incubus age.

Wow.

Yeah, when I asked you, Big Jay, at the end there

that you didn't do this, instead of saying no, you said I started going to concerts when I was much older in life.

Well, because I could have just lied to you, but I gave you a fact.

Jay's a really good liar.

That's how you cheat on women.

You give them facts and figures, and then they're like, Yeah, you know what?

He's telling the truth.

Sure.

I saw women last night.

At least I got a point there.

That was nice.

Thank you, Tony.

I really did convince you at the end.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

On the scoreboard with one point, Luis J.

Gomez.

Whoa.

Thank you, Tony.

Tied with two points each.

Big Jay Ogerson, Kim Congdon, and Ari Matty.

Wow.

Two points.

That's a lot.

Where am I at?

In the lead with four points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Thank you very much.

I'll sit back down.

Thank you.

I'm so fucked up.

Alex.

I got to drink quicker.

Story number three.

Whoa.

Story number three.

I had a fake vaccine card made to perform during the pandemic.

Who didn't?

I got vaccinated.

Boo.

One shot or two.

What if I shot electricity on my fingers?

Okay.

His eyes start bleeding.

Yeah.

Boo, boo.

You've woken me.

Fake vaccine.

So it's you.

I did get it.

Well, for my, I did get the original vaccine, but then for the booster, but you needed, I just faked it.

Because there was no way to say it was a fucking card.

It was too much stutter.

It was a full thing ever.

And you were in

you got Lewis again

You will waste your vote on me this time I will say this where was Lewis performing that he had to present a vaccine card

That's not a

I don't even know how that's a dig.

No, I'm saying where was I performed during the entire pandemic No, me too.

Planes by myself.

It was great.

Me too, but I never had to show a vaccine card.

Oh, I guess to travel.

I guess to.

Yeah, to travel, you had to.

But in New York, I had to get vaccinated to go to Europe and do shows.

So I did get vaccinated the first time.

To perform during the pandemic.

Is Lewis just telling us this is his story?

I'll say it a thousand times.

He does this.

He goes, this story is me.

And I go, don't listen to him.

Yeah.

And then it's him.

He's trying to incubus us right now.

Incubusing me, motherfucker.

If I could remember one of their songs, I would have the best reference right now.

What the fuck do they sound like?

Inkbus?

Yeah.

All right.

We'll get to it later.

We'll get to that reference later.

Fuck a little Inkabus song.

I think that it's Tony.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Well, in L.A., yeah.

People in L.A.

had to be vaccinated to...

Oh, you were here.

No, not during the pandemic.

You didn't move here during the pandemic.

It was after the pandemic.

Yes, I did.

Yeah.

You're right.

Goddamn dead city.

But you were in L.A.

I got Kim Congdon on this.

She was in L.A.

That's

definitely needed.

Kim performing with a fake vaccine card.

I love how nobody's questioning me just because they're like vaccine.

We don't even know.

We didn't even know there was a fucking pandemic.

We were out in woods catching wolves.

Fuck pandemic.

Have you heard of Russia?

Louis who also be writing these letters.

Don't write my name down, Jay.

It's a waste.

I'm telling you right now, it's not me.

I'm writing you down right now.

You are a lying.

I think that it's Jay or Lewis.

The Puerto Ricans are strangely bad at lying tonight.

No, I'm not.

I'm not lying.

I will tell you this.

I got vaccinated and then I did the same thing as you.

I lied about the boosters because I was like, enough is enough.

Yeah, I swear to God.

I got vaccinated at fucking.

Enough is enough.

And then you took the country back on January 6th.

You've been consistent.

It's not me.

It's a waste of a vote.

It's got got to be an LA person.

It's Kim or Tony.

Kim or Tony.

I think it's Jay.

You said that you had one.

I think you're incubating.

Yeah.

Or yeah.

You know what?

He's incubating us.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going, Lewis.

Wait, is it Big Jay now?

Why would Big Jay choose me?

This is what Jay does.

He's overacting.

He's changing his score right now.

Lewis, Lewis, is it you?

No, that's right.

I don't know if Lewis, the vaccine card.

I swear on my son's life, it wasn't me.

Why?

That's not even fun for the game.

It's Jay.

That's not even fun for the game.

That's kind of may my son die of COVID-19

if this was me.

Or natural causes.

Actually, I think Lewis would swear on his son's life because he'd want to win that battle.

I want to win this Hillary Ronham Cole book so badly.

You know what?

I'm a switch.

Jay's changing it over and over again.

I really think

Ari.

That's crazy.

Sure.

I think Kim is reading Jay in a weird way right now.

Jay, look at me.

How blue are they?

How blue are they?

He's got the man has beautiful eyes, even better eyebrows, but I'm not going to be fooled by them.

Some of my eyelashes.

Your eyelashes are pretty.

I think Jay is doing a lot of switching up.

He's doing a lot of overacting, a lot of fooling people.

I'm going Big Jay Okerson.

Overacting?

How dare you?

Big Jay Okerson is my final answer.

Let's see.

Let's see.

Who is it?

Alex?

That story belongs to Tony Hinch Claw.

Two stories already.

Nobody picked Tony.

Nobody picked Tony.

Oh, my God.

Now, put it down.

Put it down, Tony.

Tony.

Tony, put that book back.

If you want it, you're going to have to win it back.

Holy shit.

Tony, are you aware of what you just grabbed?

This is crazy.

In living history, with clarity

and sincerity, Clinton discusses her significant contributions, including spearheading policy initiatives aimed at children's health and women's equality.

The book also tackles the personal struggles and difficult decisions she faced under immense public pressure, highlighting her growth as both a leader and an individual.

This is my bio for comedy shows.

I can't go on the fuck.

He did two clean sweeps in in three stories.

You're disgusting.

I knocked over.

May I have another crown and coke, please?

For the young new king of the show.

For the crown weighs heavy on my

huge head.

You were going to say tiny head.

You were going to call your own.

I changed it in the last section.

Oh, the weight.

Oh.

Alex.

did Tony...

These Mike fucking flags bite cop.

You guys got them before you even got the logo.

It's unreal.

There's no logo.

But you should get that thing.

Where did you bring that from your bedroom, Big J?

Yeah.

For the next two nights, my ACDC Highway to Hell blacklight posters lays flat.

Yeah,

that's your.

You curious little devil you.

evil question.

Did Tony guess right on the first story?

The first story was Tony's and he got a clean sweep.

Then he guessed wrong.

Then he guessed.

He guessed wrong.

Okay, I thought maybe he was going for a Tony.

Tell us, I mean, I mean, there's not much more to this story, but why'd you?

Oh, yeah, no, it's easy.

I wanted to go back to,

or no, it was something.

There was something going on.

That's a federal crime, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, it was so easy, by the way.

I wish i could tell you who got it for me um but i it was like the it was the craziest thing the comedy store the comedy store forced people to have a uh a vaccination card i had already lived here for fucking it took them forever to open it was like may whatever the fuck of the next year anyway uh i was there for something

and um i called one mexican That's what it took.

And he's I'm literally like I'm checking into this hotel Friday.

It's two days away.

You could do that.

He's like, yep.

Send a fucking $100 or $200 or whatever.

And when I checked.

You could have just printed it online, Tony.

You're not kidding.

No, no, no, no.

This was legit.

They were fucking psychos at the time.

They were like actual doctors?

That's what we did.

A Mexican doctor would be hilarious.

Might be like on a fucking, on the actual.

My daughter made one on her phone to get into a cheesecake factory.

It's unbelievable.

She was trying to father.

She was trying to find Pick Jay.

He was passed out in there.

Yeah.

Just surrounded by fucking chicken salad sandwiches and

that bread with the oats on it.

Oh, what's that oat bread?

But I just thought it was so cool, you know, going back to L.A.

after, you know, fucking performing every goddamn fucking night, every night, multiple times a night here indoors, going back to L.A.

when I checked into the hotel.

It was there.

Mr.

Hinchcliffe, you have an envelope waiting for you.

It was a Mexican hat at dropped it off at the hotel for when I checked in.

Yeah, Texas didn't give a fuck.

They just French-kissed COVID here.

They didn't give a fuck, dude.

Yeah.

And we get it less than anybody.

It's you guys that are fucking always sick.

Yeah.

Us New York queers

wearing our masks and going to the Philharmonic.

Alex, where are our points at?

I'm fucking furious.

I already know the points.

On the scoreboard in last place with one point.

Oh, shit.

Louis J.

Gomez.

Thank you guys.

Tied with two points each.

Big Jay Okerson, Kim Congdon, and Ari Maddie.

Wow.

I'm going to send you guys a picture in my yard and then adopt you.

And in the lead with eight points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Jesus fucking God.

You know, when it rains, it pours.

Sometimes life just giveth and giveth and giveth.

I have no trouble sleeping at night at at all.

Tony cannot miss.

Except for Drew Nickens.

But besides that choice.

Oh, come on.

He's a special case.

He does a spot every few months.

No, Drew Rules, I love him.

That is true.

Tony doesn't miss.

I went to Vegas with this guy.

Dude, I lost two grand in 10 minutes.

First time in a casino, by the way.

I lost two grand.

This guy,

before we took the flight, the flight was already boarding.

You know, in Vegas, they have the machines, the slot machines next to the gate.

We both put in $500.

I lose mine, three pulls, gone.

This guy, two pulls, $1,200, go straight on the flight.

That's because Tony.

And he doesn't even.

I watched him win like $30,000 and $40.

That's because Tony was pulling me.

That's important.

It's the Netflix deal.

I mean, it's unprecedented.

He has a deal with the devil.

Yeah.

yeah, part of my deal with the devil is that's actually from my bedroom, the question mark with the devil horns.

Yeah, the question mark is his sexuality.

Yes, yes.

And it's only for ye all to question.

Because when I go home at night, I can't even open my door.

I have a special dildo detector in which

you have to wrap, you have to sit on a

and then it goes, welcome home, sir.

Yeah,

yeah, a retina scan, a retina scans for broke faggots,

yeah,

yeah,

you do an internal anal scan,

second chamber colon scan, that's security.

You can't cartwheel through that, Catherine Zeta Jones.

Suck my dick,

interior anal scan.

Real quick, let's thank one one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story Wars, and that is Turtle Beach, everybody.

Turtle Beach saved my ass this year.

I'll never forget that.

How cool they made me look over the holidays with their amazing products for gamers.

Most impressively, the Stealth 700 headset.

I'm using them right now.

The microphone that I'm speaking through right now is the Stealth 700.

I'm using them to hear right now.

You sound better than you've ever sounded, Jay.

Okay.

Your voice sounds like an angel.

Thank you.

I like the way you made it deep.

and you look like an angel wearing them i'm gonna put this on my i'm gonna put this uh headphone on my butthole right now and i'm gonna have you start uh mumbling and humming

it's really incredible and it's not just the headsets they have everything they have a full range of gaming gear that is absolutely top tier quality this is if you go to any of the best buyers somewhere they are somewhere in the ladder of the of what brought out the new

guitar controllers again.

So I'm excited.

I know.

They make incredible products, including the Guitar Hero controllers that I use at Jay's house when we jam out the origin of this show.

Story Wars doesn't exist without Legion of Skanks, and Legion of Skanks doesn't exist without Guitar Hero.

And honestly, Guitar Hero coming back and being popularized again thanks to Turtle Beach.

All comes full circle.

It all comes full circle.

Our whole lives have funneled down to this moment.

It actually makes sense that Dave Smith is nowhere near us right now.

If you go to turtlebeach.com and use code WARS right now, you're going to get 10% off your entire order.

10% off your whole order at turtlebeach.com with promo code WARS with a Z.

After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them.

Please support the show.

Tell them that we sent you.

It helps us out so much.

And you get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle Beach today.

All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

When I would go away in the summertime, I would show people a picture of someone I went to school with and say I was dating them.

100% Kim Gongman.

That's such a chick thing to do.

I didn't even bet you.

See who I'm dating, bitch.

No.

Y'all fucking wish I was that gay.

Don't let them be sexist about it.

One of them is gayer than me.

No, when Kim was in high school, she was a slut.

That's not true.

Okay.

I take it.

I lost my virginity in almost 18 and half of it in a Honda Accord.

Oh, my God.

Half of it.

Yeah.

That's a Hispanic miracle.

Santa Maria.

What do you mean, half of it?

Like, I started in a bedroom halfway, and then his mom was going to come home.

We were like, let's just go fuck in the car.

Damn.

Wow.

You like reverse slutted.

Yeah.

It usually goes.

I lost my quick virginity in a bed, like a lady, and then I went in a hunk out hoard.

And you lost your male virginity in a car.

Yeah.

I didn't even consider Kim.

I didn't think this is a girl move.

This seems like a guy move to me.

This is like a fat guy move move move.

This is a guy move.

I would never lie about dating a guy.

I could just date a guy.

This is a fat guy move.

And I'm not, I don't want to point at anybody on the panel.

I'm having second thoughts about Kim.

Fucking cucks.

It is a fat guy move.

Go away where?

It's a a fat guy move.

It's 100% fat guy move.

You went to...

How dare?

What the fuck is wrong with everybody on this panel?

That's crazy.

It is a fat guy.

Every fat guy.

Because I'm reading it again and isn't very effective.

Also, the word summertime is a fat guy word.

Yeah.

And it went out

season.

Summertime, it's like you have a fear of it.

You can fucking see the t-shirt in the pool when you hear that word.

Yes.

Maybe it's Kim.

Yeah.

Well, well, summertime was in the bed, summertime was in the car.

So.

Hey.

That was a good one.

Fuck.

I mean, no, Ari Matty's a hot European bitch, so I know he's just getting pussy left and right his whole life.

To me, it's who went away in the summertime.

Yeah, exactly.

Go away.

Where did your parents send you?

Go away.

Yeah, go away.

That's fat, too.

Yeah.

Fat

Sky to camp.

That's what you say to fat people.

Yeah.

Yeah, you send them away for the summer.

Yeah, you send them to fat camp.

They do come back skinnier.

They sweat a lot.

They have to run around.

There's activities.

Also, going to fat camp and showing a picture of a fake girlfriend.

That makes sense.

It's a fat fucking guy.

It is a fat it's a fat thing

god damn it but you know what

our story is but then again you did try to deflect from kim and typical behavior would be you would go deeper into the theory that i'm throwing out but

oh the fat thing really is shell shock

you tend to be the more the more you pick at the scab of the story it does feel fat jay jay might vote for himself right now

i should have done this

maybe the people that i would see when i went away in the summertime would have thought i was so cool the only thing is uh jay didn't go to like summer camp or anything and his parents weren't like going away to like i went to oh no no no i went to jewish day camp yeah i know but you know you would go visit your father and his other family sometimes oh that's fat true and fat people are more the catfishing type when it comes to photos fat people do with their own bodies what i'm willing to do to adopt a dog

Although I will say, I spent time with my father, like staying at his place four times in my youth.

That's enough to show a picture.

Wouldn't chicks do this?

It is.

It is enough to show a picture.

Jay showed people a picture of a backyard and said he was fucking it.

Now let me fuck your dog.

You see how wet the lawn?

Look, there's a huge backyard.

There's always a plenty of place to run around.

If I catch it, I should be led to fuck it.

Look at the size of this yard.

Jay, I love you.

I can can totally imagine you being like, Yeah, fuck there.

Yeah, it wasn't me.

It doesn't feel like Lewis didn't go away.

I didn't go away at all.

I had nothing.

I was just walking.

But how would you show the picture?

There's no phones.

Jay, you're like 47.

By the way, nailed it.

Yes, I'm 47.

Really?

You're 47?

Yeah.

I know, men.

You should work at a carnival.

Those are still.

You would never give away a stuff.

Paint the nails, 47.

I love it.

Okay.

So when you

so when you were okay 15, this was 1962.

Sure.

So how would you show the picture?

You cut him.

No, that's a computer.

Not even a PC.

Dude, you're pretty PC.

Yeah.

How would you show this?

I would trick a girl into getting into one of those booths where the light bulb exploded.

Yeah, how would you show the picture in 1966?

And then I would take it and I would say

this is my gal back home.

This is what we're fighting for.

Jay, is it you?

No.

Look at me.

It's gotta be a good thing.

I think Kim is being

very performative right now.

That's what I feel.

I think I'm gonna be.

Can I change it?

Nope.

No, you can't.

No, it's in.

My first guess, Kim, is going to be correct.

I think you're right.

She's a psycho.

Kim would have.

This is a good one.

I would have.

It's crazy.

Kim is playing the game great, by the way.

It's crazy that you think I'd have to make up a boyfriend.

It's so easy for a girl to get a boyfriend.

Already Already explained it.

Maybe you were an awkward girl.

She's trying to spit at them.

Now, Kim,

I don't think.

Look, I would say it's Kim, except for she's not a fat guy.

The timeline.

Jay, is it you?

No.

I fucked up.

It's Kim.

That's making you write me.

I think it's Big Jay.

It's Kim, dude.

I'm so scared it's Tony.

It's my biggest.

If it's Tony again, it's Tony.

Oh, it's Tony again.

The show's over.

We can't catch up.

Yeah, this is a severe problem.

Yeah.

This is.

Did we vote Tony just to make sure he can't catch up?

No, that's terrible strategy.

Is it?

Why?

Why would that be a terrible strategy?

Tony, close that fucking book.

You don't own it yet.

1982

Kane was a family endeavor.

Tony, you're breaking the rules.

We loaded Chelsea's diaper bag and all.

Don't just give it away, man.

Can't wait to find out more about that diaper bag in a mere matter of minutes.

Oh, shit.

Is it Tony?

Is it you?

No.

That's Jay.

Fuck.

What?

Dude, I hope it's not Tony.

I really.

Fuck.

If it's Tony, we're fucked hard.

It's crazy.

Tony will be up fucking.

It will be insurmountable.

Back to Jay.

This is what happened with the popular vote.

He's right there in front of us.

The winner was clear all along.

Everyone's answer locked in.

That story belongs to Big J.

Yes.

Yes.

Fat guy behavior.

Fat loser behavior in 1961.

The day you might.

Summertime.

So fat.

It wasn't cool.

How would you?

But how would you show the pictures?

This is a real question.

I would go away on the weekends so they can fire hose black people down the street.

The year was 1955.

A separate fountain.

No, I go visit my father in the summer once in a while.

And

the years he would have me.

And when I would go there, I remember I brought a picture of Kim Kropinski.

Poor Kim Kropinski.

In what form?

How'd you get the picture?

School picture.

Ari, do you not know that pictures existed before phones?

Why do you keep saying this?

No, no, but it's a good question.

It's a good question,

how'd you get that?

It's creepy if you have a girl's picture in the...

That's right.

In school, everyone would get school pictures, and then they would like give, you know, at the end of the year, it's like you'd give pictures with a little note on the back.

They were friendly things, and I got plenty of those as like, you know,

hey, thanks for being fat and drawing me a picture or whatever.

Did you jerk?

Did you jerk, right?

Wait, you would draw pictures.

You would jerk off to that fucking picture.

No.

You would draw pictures for girls.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, I had a guy behind me in class that would draw pictures for

me for me.

Fat guy.

Yes.

Fat guy behaviors.

And then one day he was like, I finished my book.

And I was like, I swear to God, I I was like 14 years old.

He was like, I finished my book and you're in it.

And then he gave me the book and it was the most graphic sexual scene of him eating me out.

Wow.

Solid fucking.

Fat guy eating you out.

His fingerless gloves grazed upon my hips.

It was summertime.

His palms were warm.

I wasn't away at the time.

No,

what's funny was the person I was trying to impress with the story was the only kid I became friends with in my dad's neighborhood who was a six foot four, and we were young, it was like 13 years old, and he was like a six foot five, gigantic, fat black kid named Kenny.

And I'm showing a picture of a narrow-ass, flat, 13-year-old white girl.

And I'm like, this is my girlfriend.

He was like, okay,

why would I give a shit about this?

Like, you can see on the back, she wrote, have a great summer and keep in touch.

So

we're probably having sex.

What was their name again?

Kim Kropinski.

Sounds beautiful.

A Polok girl?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This was a nice mix-up.

I don't think Tony got any more.

Wait, did you vote for Jay?

I voted for Kim Cong.

You know, this is the story.

You do know this story, the part of the second part of it.

Kim Kropinski at one point came to a party I had, like a graduation party or something at my house.

And we held hands, which was a pretty big deal.

Very cool.

And then

for a fat guy, big deal.

For a fat guy.

At my fattest, I could have fucked Miss Estonia.

I promise you.

Oh, shit.

Definitely not.

Highest per capita supermodels in the world.

You know, I don't know about it.

You may be completely right about that.

It is.

I have to take your word for it.

Our genetics are very

supermodel.

Kim Kapinski, I was super size.

Super size me with that supermodel.

Me and Kim Kapinski were chatting on the phone in like the little kids' way of like, you know, we're kind of an item now.

And then I was like, like, What would you do if I was there?

What one day she ghosted completely, and after a couple days of not talking to her, I saw her brother, who was older than us, riding his bike, and I was walking with my friends.

And I don't know why I thought that was the time to go, hey, what's up with your sister?

I thought we were kind of like talking, and then she

just stopped answering the phone or whatever.

And he goes, Yeah, it's actually kind of fucked up.

She really liked you, but then all of her friends were like, You can't fucking be into that fat guy.

So,

that's why she's ghosting you or whatever.

And then I was like,

that's cool.

Fuck her anyway.

With my friends who were like not trying to laugh at me hard.

It was so awful.

Jay is hanging with all black kids, so they really wanted to laugh hard at him.

Moonir Smith was really biting his tongue.

Moonir isn't there?

How did she ghost?

You got ghosted by a Kropinski, dude.

Kropinski?

Wow.

You know, by the way, if you're wondering when a Polish girl ghosts you, it's during World War II.

I will say this, though.

It's a good joke.

I'll say this.

I still see her on Facebook from time to time, and she's aged like a Kropinski.

So I'm fine.

Alex, where are our points at?

On the scoreboard, in last place, with three points each.

The Story Warriors, Louis J.

Gomez.

Wow.

Don't you guys always win?

No, I never win.

I'm 3-31.

Really?

yes really

what are you losing what's your record uh like

maybe 16 i think lewis wins like 60 of the time yeah i win a lot that seems about i'm a good liar lewis is 14 19 and 1 hell yeah

thank you sir

that's better than a full room clap one go yeah

yeah that was awesome are you are you an orthodox jewish legion of skanks fan

i've been wondering that all night i'm so glad you are

Sir.

Legion of banks.

This guy goes to Bank Fest every year.

Stage dives into a pile of ones.

Oh, just Scrooge McDucks it.

Fuck you, dude.

That's wild.

McPenny Angels.

He's going to be doing the goddamn comedy jam.

He's singing Modest Yacht.

No one's allowed to do Kanye here.

He's off the karaoke list.

Still making that jewelry, though, huh?

God bless him, the Jews.

Alex, continue with the points, please.

Tied for second place with four points each.

Kim Congdon and Ari Matty.

Okay.

And in the lead with eight points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Still anybody's game.

It's still anybody's game.

Tony, anybody's games.

We're halfway through.

Now we go around and do some plugs, some quick plugs.

Ari, what are you plugging, my man?

Instagram.

Instagram, okay.

It's automatic on it.

Just the platform.

Yeah.

You guys just try it.

I like it.

There's pictures on it.

You don't even got to print them out.

Lime wire.

Any song.

Every song.

Well, also.

A few weeks.

Tony, this will be out in like three weeks from now.

Oh, oh, yeah.

So we're already on Netflix.

Don't worry.

We're already making so much money.

Yeah.

If you haven't yet, go watch it.

But what I'm here to plug is

my new book.

It's actually, I say mine because I own it.

It's from Hillary Rodham Clinton.

It's called

Living History or something like that, I think.

I have a bad angle at it.

What is it?

Loving or living?

Living, yeah.

That's

what I'd like to plug.

My new book.

And And also make sure you watch Kill Tony fucking now on Netflix, everybody.

Come on.

You're goddamn right.

Kimberly.

Yeah, thank you guys so much.

KimCongdon.com for show dates.

Thank you so much.

That's right.

Bye.

Hell yeah.

Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

First half of my double crowd work special, Them They is out right now on YouTube.

Part two, they coming out 420.

So look for that coming out really soon.

Man, I need you guys again.

So fucking thank you so much.

Almost in a million views.

So that's fucking amazing.

Hell yeah.

Look for me to sit near you.

And of course, the bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course,

the flagship show of Gas Digital, the legendary Legion of Skanks.

I don't do enough shit.

Come see me live on the road.

Lewisofskanks.com is the tickets.

I'm going to Europe in like a month and a half.

I'm going to Amsterdam, London, Manchester, Dublin, a bunch of places.

Filming a new special in July in Tampa.

So get those tickets at my website.

And if you love this show, you should know there's an uncensored version of the show that premieres every Monday, every Monday night on gasdigital.com.

Use the promo code WAR.

You get the uncensored version.

Plus, there's an on-demand library.

At this point, there's at least a dozen episodes that aren't available anywhere else, all uncensored, all ad-free, all in one place.

Gastdigital.com.

Use that promo code WAR.

Check out all the other pods: The Regs, Legion of Skanks, and the great Lewis and Zach show.

Wow.

Good lord.

Thank you.

Now I see why you quit smoking weed and drinking.

That was very good, Lewis.

Thanks.

Thanks, Tony.

Now, I know you probably think that me and Lewis are going to be sulking because we're out of this game, but we're not out of this game.

It's still anybody's game because for the final four stories, we go double points.

No.

Holy shit.

Oh, no.

Fuck this guy.

No.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Mr.

Hinchcliffe.

Not yet.

You may have Madison Square Garden, but we have Hillary Ronham Clinton's living history.

It still belongs here until you take it from us.

As before, if you fooled somebody with your story, you get one point.

If you guessed the correct story, you get two points.

Now,

you get double points.

Thank you, Roots.

We have the roots here, they're always off camera.

We can't afford them on camera.

But thank you to Questlove, Black Thought, and the boys.

They donate their time.

They love the show that much that they donate their time.

They just come here.

They said they have a deal with the tonight show.

They can't be on camera.

But you can see Questlove's little fucking pear-shaped ass up there.

It's like a bowling pin behind drums.

Tell them I said so.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I lied about being a world-class server to get a job at a fancy restaurant.

I worked there for a month stealing money while pretending to know all about wine and fine dining.

Can I write the words?

Can I write kids?

This seems like me.

I noticed.

I will say.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I know this seems exactly like something I would do.

And I will say.

It's gotta be a chick thing.

I mean.

Only a woman would consider any server to be a world-class.

World class.

I'm world class.

Yeah, who talks like that?

I need you guys to understand me.

Yeah, you're Puerto Rican like Pitbull and everything's world.

I'm the worldwide.

I'm world class.

Top of the heat, baby.

Who believes that it's not me?

I need you guys to know it wasn't me.

I did.

I was a server at a restaurant.

It was not fancy.

The only restaurant I ever stole from was the restaurant I love more than anything, the swamp restaurant.

Shout out to the swamp.

That's where we already lived in Estonia.

Most per capita swamps in the world, by the way.

Super bottles and swamps.

We got a shit.

Regularly.

Super bottles and swamps.

You're bound to get laid.

It wasn't fancy.

And I didn't work there for a month.

I worked there for almost three years until I dropped out to be a comedian at the Swamp Restaurant.

It's the only restaurant besides this Italian.

I didn't steal from the Italian.

You worked at the Pancake Spot in LA, you liar.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Oh,

and Lewis thinks a pancake spot is

world-class.

World-class.

It was a great pancake spot.

Wait a second.

You worked at the Pancake Spot.

What was that place called?

That place was delicious.

The Griddle.

The Griddle.

Ooh, it was good.

Yeah, dude, listen.

Were the servers in the world?

I know it sounds like me.

I swear to God, this is not me.

Whoa, don't do that.

Why?

I swear to God.

You swore on your son.

This is Texas.

Don't swear on your God or your guns or your government.

I swear on my abortion.

Rest in peace, Kyle.

Rest in peace, Kyle.

So funny to name my abortion Kyle.

That is a good giveaway name, you know.

You're like, I'm not going to use that again.

Kyle, Kyle.

Oh, one less Kyle.

Boohoo.

Everyone can agree with an abortion, Kyle.

Little Kyle couldn't last a while.

People are.

Little Kyle, he didn't smile.

Dude, people screaming at you as I have an abortion claim as you walk by, you just go, it was a Kyle.

It's a Kyle.

No, don't stop, stop jeering.

It's a Kyle.

My intuition is on.

It was going to be a Kyle.

Everyone's like, all all right, dude, I get it.

Even the women with the umbrellas out there are like, go ahead.

This kid was about to be a Kyle, everybody.

Do not sweat this one.

Tony, were you ever a server?

Oh, I was a server at a really nice.

I'm not talking about with a man in the bedroom.

I'm talking about.

Oh, wow, dude.

Wow.

I was world-class at both things.

Low-hanging fruit.

Yeah.

And

this show is so fun.

I worked at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for years.

Yeah.

Fancy for black people.

That's a fancy restaurant.

That is fancy.

If you're ethnic, that is fucking like you saved up a few weeks.

Ari, what about you?

What was your job?

Bartending and stealing.

Nothing fancy, but it's a fancy thing.

It's kind of feeling like it's Ari.

But Tony would say fancy restaurant.

That's a gay thing.

You know how he gets a fat thing?

Fancy's a gay word.

Yeah.

Yeah, this feels like Tony's a master.

I do say the word fancy.

You love the word fancy.

And I've known Tony for 13 years, and I've heard him say the word fancy a bunch of times.

I like fancy shit.

Yeah, I think I'm going to go Tony with the, but I could also see

Ari being like, fancy.

It's definitely Kim.

I know it's you.

It's not me.

You stood up as soon as he came up.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway,

it sounds just like me, and I understand that, but it's a waste, and I think I'm going to go Tony on this one.

Ari, is it you?

If it's not you, it's not one of these guys.

So if it's not you, it's Tony.

It's you.

It's not me.

It's either you or Tony.

I'm telling you right now.

It's Kim or Tony, and I'm going.

I know exactly who it is.

Who?

I'm going to put my vote in last.

Well, that's funny.

Ari, I'm telling you.

Okay, it's Tony.

I'm not going to talk about it, and I'm going to go last.

Who are you putting, Kim?

I'm putting Tony.

That's what I did.

I went with Tony.

I know for a fact that this is Arimatty.

What?

As shit.

Ah, shit.

Arimatty has a fucking working at a fancy restaurant.

There are no fancy restaurants in Estonia, so it had to be a lie.

Or it was like a ground round or a Bennigan since we don't have it.

It was the grittle.

Alex, it was pancake place.

That story belongs to Ari Maddie.

You snuffed it out, you bastard.

I'm just going to go with whatever Lewis goes with, so there's no chance he can.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

Ari, tell us a story.

What else did you do?

I went to Australia and I needed a job at this place called New.

Do you guys have the series called Home and the Way?

It's an Australian series.

No, sounds like Shoni's.

One of the biggest shows in Australia.

My mom is a word for it.

For some reason, it was sold to Estonia.

I don't know why.

Did you have guys have Commissar X?

The dog who investigated.

Okay.

So, Comisar X, really?

No?

Night Rider?

Night Rider?

Night Rider.

We got Night Rider, Sex in the City, Game of Thrones, all same year after the fucking union collapsed.

Wow.

Literally, terminator one

matrix all at once

wow yeah that's a lot to lay on people so there's this place home and away

it's an australian family they're going through tough times

if you live in estonia i assume you really want the matrix to be real

also i asked i asked ari to tell the story and he just started naming tv shows that came up well anyway so so there was this place in home and away they filmed in noose australia one of the most beautiful beaches you've ever been in so i went there and then i got a uh there was a jamie oliver owned restaurant there and i went for an interview and the owner's last manager strong gay guy and you know gay guys see a european guy lose their mind

tell me so he's kind of like

yeah already showed up in a speedo though so he's like leaning me into like you sure have qualifications and i'm like yeah sure he's like you have the the H1.

I'm like, they have the H1, the H2, you know.

Our steak is almost delicious as an uncircumcised dick.

And then I just created a fake email to own a fake restaurant in Estonia and wrote a fake suggestion letter.

Like, this guy's amazing.

Took them about a month to figure, dude, I fucked so many.

They're like high-roller clients with 10 grand bills, and I would really riff cocktails.

Like they would say a cocktail name, ha ha ha, random, bop, bop.

It tasted so shit.

But you know, part of fancy thing is just selling.

You're just bullshitting.

Every wine, you're like, it's a California summer, you know.

Well, you're not bullshitting if you're a professional and good at it.

I guess, yeah.

That's one way to put it.

And then, you know, there was another bartender there that was from Slovakia, and he goes, listen, I'm stealing money here.

This is how you do it.

So we would bring our own bottles of booze in the backpack and stock.

Bah, ba, ba.

And you sell 80, you know, 80 fucking cocktails and shit.

Wow.

Woo!

20 grand in a month till they figured it out.

Woo!

What happened when they figured it out?

You just fired you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, none of the.

My boss was wolves.

Yeah, none of the money made sense.

And the gay guy really wanted to believe me, but

did you flirt?

Did you flirt with him a little bit?

I always flirt with gay guys.

I throw them off.

That's how he got it.

And it feels really good.

That's how he became a kill to me.

And someone's after you.

Tony.

That's how it works.

You cannot say no to me.

Feels good when someone likes you, you know.

That's true.

That's why Lewis has the record for all-time appearances as a guest on

Tony.

I do.

Hell yeah.

That's how I got him because I flirt with Tony.

So you get everything with me.

Yep.

You've never stolen from a restaurant?

I worked at a restaurant when I was like 15.

I worked at a Mexican restaurant as a busboy.

I'd have an opportunity.

They weren't giving busboys access to anything.

Jay?

Never.

Wow.

I was a damn good waiter.

I took it very seriously.

Did you?

The restaurant I worked at, I would fucking,

if someone ordered like five shots, I would tell the bartender to like fill them to the top because they were my friends.

And then I would split them in half and sell 10 shots.

Cash.

Yeah, that's a good one.

Can I say

I've been drinking enough and smoking enough weed that I just now realize that this guy's is not wearing a halftop with his belly button out.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

No,

he's wearing a dirty brace around his stomach.

It's a brace, but I thought it was a belly button.

It is a wild brace.

That's a wild brace.

Yes, sir.

Is your stomach broken?

You got stabbed in Afghanistan?

Well, why don't you say that out loud before we start shitting on you, dude?

That's too respectful.

There was a look that I got when he looked back at me.

He's like, You want a fucking piece of this?

I'm like, Whoa, there's something cold behind those.

He goes, I got stabbed in Afghanistan.

Guys, great laughs.

I'm an American hero, though.

So

no, have your chuckles.

Life's different because I fought for your freedom.

Wait a minute.

You were in.

Oh, it's a little stained from my blood for your freedom.

You were in the military and you went to Afghanistan to fight, and then you had hand-to-hand combat with the Afghanistan.

They stabbed you?

And they stabbed you?

This is like saving planet rocks.

All right, I vote this guy as lying.

He goes, yo, anyone can make up a story and anyone can buy a back brace.

There is real blood on his brace.

I will say that.

Sir, how long ago did this happen?

Why are you bringing it?

Is it your blood or their blood?

No, this one's mine.

Oh, sick.

How long ago did this happen?

99.04.

February 18th, 2002.

You can't just get a clean brace at this point?

They all get dirty.

They all get dirty.

It's a matter of how much it fits.

Can you wear it under your shirt?

It's not as good of a story.

Yeah.

You gotta explain why you got race on already.

You should write

all about my back bracelet on that thing.

Oh, it itches.

If it was up to him, they would have kept a knife in his absence.

Exactly.

You have the knife?

I sent with me from Afghanistan.

Wow.

Did you kill the guy?

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Well, you killed him.

Oh, my God.

Hell yeah, brother.

This is a fucking warrior, dude.

I was 18 years old.

Like, 16-year-old kid.

Oh, it was a child.

Oh, you could have just left that out and took the chance.

Listen, in comedy, you gotta take the chance.

Sometimes you gotta chance.

Dude, you have the craziest.

You see these kids?

Holy shit.

It was a blind race.

Do you want to play Story Wars with us?

Whoa!

I once killed a child.

Dude, imagine if this came up as a story.

You're like, what?

One time I murdered a child.

How old was she?

That's fat guy behavior.

That's fat guy behavior.

He was like an Afghan lady.

15 or 16?

So you bullied an Afghani kid.

Was it?

It was like 2 o'clock in the morning outside of

an AP.

We were waiting for a helo to come in and lift us out.

Uh, dude came in like 20 yards away, uh, so we conditioned four or M16, break.

I'm sorry, I'm military.

How many clicks was that?

Yards is about 60 feet.

Clicks, what's he doing this in Africa?

Somebody, get this guy a microphone.

Um, we told him to get on the ground.

Uh, he does so, uh, and uh we start taking sniper fire from a dune about 200 yards away.

You guys don't see this, but he's getting harder and harder.

Sniper fire, okay.

Okay.

So we bury ourselves in the fucking rocks and return fire.

And that lasts for

40, 50 seconds.

And then the army post behind us starts putting up flares in the air.

And it's bright.

Also, it gets me out bright.

Okay, okay.

Yeah.

I look over, and the guy who we've.

The little kid was like, fireworks!

Oh, my God.

Daddy, let's go watch fireworks together.

This is the pretty good thing.

Pretty Americans won't mind.

They're good guys.

You know, it's New Year.

They gave us water yesterday.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

What could go wrong?

It's purple, Daddy.

Just one more purple fireworks

before we go to war again.

Since I'm in the middle of making the sandwich, I guess I'll just take the knife with me to look at the beautiful stars in the sky.

Nothing could go wrong, Daddy.

Okay, okay.

Now, by the way, now he's a guy.

I love how it turned into a guy.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, flares are up.

Yeah, flares are up.

Go ahead.

Yeah, 18 and 16 to have sex and to kill.

Just fine.

You're right.

Oh, he's having flashbacks.

Fuck.

Dude, he's.

This might not be good.

Yeah.

His back brace is getting browner.

He reaches like up underneath his jacket, and I think, oh, oh fuck, he's going for a gun.

But I don't have a shot.

My partner's like between me on the line.

So I have to flip around the interesting, grab it by the barrel shard, and I run at him.

I just butt-stroke him with the barrel, and I see his butt.

Butt stroke.

Tony's a pro at that.

Hell yeah.

I've been butt-strocked since you started talking, stud.

Notorious Hollywood butt striker.

That's a move in the military.

We got to butt-stroke these guys, dude.

That's so gay.

That's the meetings you guys are having.

So this child, you're butt-stroking him.

Continue?

Across the face!

I see his jaw just snap out of place.

That's you hitting him with the butt of the gun.

Yeah, so you hit him.

Did you already see him pull something out?

Not at the time.

So then what happened?

He drops to the ground, and I'm just, I don't confirm the kill.

I'm looking, I'm staring up at both.

First mistake.

You always confirmed the kill.

You thought you killed him with gunboats?

If you've not learned the fucking thing, you're going to end up wearing a dirty bag brace for 30 years.

Go get this.

Well, you thought he was standing on on the ground.

You started singing fucking Cretan's Clear War.

He's like, wa-bop, doll, hail to the chief.

Ooh, that red, white, and blue.

And he was like, cack.

Ah!

I should have confirmed the kill.

It ain't me.

It ain't me.

He gets distracted by the money.

Y'all are going to get me my 16-year-old scalps, and I want my 16-year-old scalps.

I need three scalps.

I need three scalps that add up to the age of 34.

I got this trapper

up and like tackles me.

We go down in a hand-to-hand.

I can't clear my nine.

So I took my hand and I shoved it up through his eye socket.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Game of Thrones.

Until like he started pitching at me off.

So I rolled him off of me and I'm like trying to stand up and then my legs don't work.

I look down and there's this massive fucking knife sticking out of my chest underneath my thigh.

Whoa.

And I'm like...

This was like dating Lewis.

It's a lot, dude.

I was there.

I was there, dude.

I got stories.

My thumbs twitched.

I was there.

And I lose my shit.

Like, you don't feel it, but you start thinking, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, I'm dying.

I'm dying.

And

my survey partner slams me on the deck, and he's like, leave it in, you can't take it out.

That's what Lewis said.

Our point being, you're both survivors.

I wear a back brace for a different reason now.

This is an undershirt back brace.

Sir, he's telling a great story.

Shut the fuck up.

Sir, come on.

This is an American hero.

He's bored with it.

He's like, move on.

You killed the drinks.

He's like, great.

Are you going to help me open up this comic book store or what?

Blah, blah, blah.

Tell it to your shrink, bro.

Are you going to give me a VA loan for this thing or what?

He ordered a sex on the desert to drink.

And like, I'm convinced I'm dying.

I'm trying to, like, tell, here's the letter from my girlfriend.

You got to tell my kid I love him.

This document package has to go to the colonel.

And then there's wind.

You know, the guy you were telling it to was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

And

my tell my wife I love her.

Okay, sure, got it.

And then there's wind and light.

And I'm like, fuck,

this is how it ends?

And then all of a sudden this dude who's like shaved in the the last days, like, don't worry, Corporal, we got you.

Shoves this massive fucking needle in my throat.

It's the helo fucking coming down the land and the lights.

And then I'm out.

I wake up three weeks later in Landsold, Germany.

Wow.

We thought that guy was dead, huh?

You woke up in Germany?

That's

his worst nightmare.

That is fun.

By the way, the Jew would have woken up in Germany and been like, oh no, I'm in hell.

By the way.

Send me back to Afghanistan.

By the way, none of us were there.

This guy could have fell on his own knife and made that whole story up in the medvac.

The story started tapered off at the end in terms of excitement, too.

I was like, all right, finish the fucking story.

So

I killed him.

I would have never said he was 16.

Yeah, he's like, I killed the guy.

And then blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's a great story.

But it was a soldier.

It was a young soldier.

Or it was a civilian.

Hey, dude, in Africa, a five-year-old.

Hey, don't ask, brother.

You just butt him in the face.

All right, stop asking this guy questions for the love of God.

Alex, where are our points at?

This is exactly how we deal with stuff like this in America.

But for the beginning, just get back to.

To get back to gay, fancy stuff.

To get back to the original point.

The original point.

Let's stop thinking about the innocent kid that died, please.

Alex, next.

Sorry.

On the scoreboard with three points.

In last place, Big Jay Ogerson.

Suck my dick.

Wow.

Fat guy behavior.

That is classic fat.

That's so summertime.

Suck my dick.

It's so hot.

That's so exhausting in the hot weather.

So summertime.

Alex.

In fourth place with four points, Kim Congdon.

Wow.

I'll take fourth place.

In third place with seven points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Wow.

In second place with eight points, Ari Matty.

Wow.

That's so many points.

He should get the book, right?

Wait a minute, Alex.

Seven?

All right, yeah.

We had three before.

Now seven?

Fuck.

All right.

Go ahead, Tony.

Tell us dump score.

In first place with 12 points.

Oh, my God.

Tony Hinchcliffe.

Oh, my God.

Still anybody's anybody's game.

Give him his book.

Give him his book.

Give him his book.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

They're with me now.

You pieces of shit.

We're not just going to give him the book.

Hillary Clinton's memoir, Living History, chronicles her compelling journey through the world of politics, public service, and personal challenges.

Her commitment to advocacy and reform is evident through detailed discussions of her legislative efforts and humanitarian projects.

With thoughtful introspection, Clinton examines both situations.

I'm going to win that fucking back.

Let me cut you off.

Offering valuable insights.

I'm going to win that fucking book.

You know what I'm going to do with it?

I'm going to tuck it into the front of this guy's back brace.

And if anyone tries to stab him, that book is going to block it.

And it's going to make up for one of the soldiers that she killed in Benghazi.

Every time.

She's actually going to be stopping death instead of causing it for the first time in her life.

Look at that.

That's beautiful.

All right, Jay, let's take a quick moment and talk about CrowdHealth, which is a great, great service.

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Okay.

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This is a great company.

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All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, Alex, story number six.

Story number six:

In the last year, two of my family members have lied about having a serious form of cancer.

What the fuck kind of crazy shit is that?

Yeah, that sounds foreign.

We don't believe in cancer.

No, you can't use that now.

I actually heard cancer over the highest by population cancer.

Estonia.

Look, I've met members from Kim's family, and they are lying pieces of garbage.

A lot of them.

And I'll tell you right now, this is definitely a Puerto Rican, Florida type of behavior.

Yeah.

In my opinion.

I agree.

It's not me.

I agree.

It seems Puerto Rican to me, too.

And yeah.

Puerto Ricans don't get sick like that.

We're in the sun, dude.

I'm serious.

Have you ever seen a Puerto Rican?

They look so healthy.

Yeah, I know.

They're lying, Kim.

Yeah, they lie about having cancer.

I'm throwing up an early guess because I have to piss so bad, I'm going to cry.

I think it's Ari.

I saw his face as soon as we read the thing.

I think it's Ari.

I'm going, all right.

No, but talk it out more because I have to piss so bad.

Louis Vamp.

It's definitely not my family.

Kim, I mean, I can see your mom doing this.

I can see your dad doing this.

Let's not bring moms into this, Lewis.

I could see your mom doing this.

Didn't you say your mom died of cancer?

No, she had cancer and killed herself with cancer.

Oh, in the last year.

That wouldn't be your mom.

So

instead of letting the cancer take her, she committed suicide via needle.

Yeah.

It is pretty good.

That's what she used.

Yeah.

The needle was metal, yes.

Mrs.

Gomez.

She's watching.

That's.

They let you watch Story Wars in Hell.

That's where we have that logo.

Yeah.

Is mom watching?

Well, okay, it can't be Lewis because he doesn't have a mom.

Oh, okay.

It's not moms.

It's not just moms.

It's any family member.

It's Jason moms.

Oh, shit.

Did I do that when I stole the moment?

Two of my family members.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What?

I messed up the curtain when I stole the book.

It was before that when I went in the middle and soaked in extra applause.

That was Lewis.

Oh, it was Lewis.

Perfect.

That sounds a bit fun.

I'll do whatever the fuck I want to do.

Wait, is Joe here?

Is Joe Rogan watching right now?

I won't do anything I want to do.

It's fine, Joe.

He just fucking hits me in the neck with a fucking bow and arrow.

Yeah, I mean, my instinct is Kim Congdon.

I feel like your family is a little bit trashy.

They're, you know, they want attention.

I feel like this is your family.

Kim, seriously, is this what you're doing?

It could be Lewis for my family, no.

This is Puerto Rican behavior.

Is this yours, Ari?

Relax.

I wrote Ari down first, and I'm going to go with Ari.

I felt like it was Ari and me.

Kim's freaking out.

Her handwriting's all scribbly and waggy, right?

Fuck, it's Louis.

Yeah, no.

It's got to be Lewis.

Oh, I can't tell you.

They're fucked up.

Okay.

God.

Wait, the fat guy had to pee first.

Don't waste it, Lewis.

It's not me.

I thought they have like a bigger

bladder or something.

Wait, is it Big Jay?

Did Big Jay just leave so we didn't have to see his face?

I think it's Ari.

Wait a minute, hold on.

Big Jay?

This could be Big Jay.

His face is all about garbage and they're probably fat, so they're sick.

You're right.

It's believable.

You can't clearly see the tumors on fat people.

Thinking you have cancer, that's fat problems.

That's what I'm saying.

My family is like.

I've really done my best to lose weight.

I used to not be able to sit in this shirt.

Hey, have you guys ever pissed?

This is weird.

I'm just looking for a friend in the world here.

Have you guys ever pissed?

Oh, I wish I could.

And then you're not pushing piss anymore.

Like, you're like, I'm done pissing, but there's still piss coming out.

Yeah, now you're, it's because you're 47, dude.

Yeah.

Welcome to being in your 40s.

That's rough.

I was like, I'm done pissing, but I'm looking down.

There's still piss.

Jesus.

My final vote is Big Jay Oakerson.

Yeah.

You're a sucker and a half.

We fucked up.

We all fucked up.

Alex

That story belongs to Kimberly Clark.

I knew it was Kim.

I knew it was your trashy ass family.

Fuck.

Which family member?

Two of them?

Yeah, both my parents.

Shut up.

Well, they're

it's like less like lying and more like confirming before they check to like kind of lie, like to kind of be like, But they've spread the word that

they have cancer and it's over.

My dad was like, It's this last week.

He was like, this is over.

And trust me, I'm not going out with cancer.

I'm going out with an explosion.

And I was like, I got to go.

I have a show.

I don't know.

That's what that guy said to that guy right before he stabbed me.

But he was just coming.

Too many bad guys.

Anyways, yeah,

it's a very exaggerated form of

health worries.

Yeah.

Where they just call and go, this is the end.

And what is your mom saying?

Call us and say goodbye.

One time she called, and she was like, I have cancer.

And she was like, don't tell your sisters.

And I was like, oh my God.

And I cried for two days.

And then my boyfriend was like, call her again and ask, like, about details.

And I was like, what did the doctor say?

She was like, well, I haven't went yet.

But my shoulder feels like it.

No, I just know, Kim.

This is sometimes it feels like the end.

She also has a thick Puerto Rican accent.

It's hilarious.

Yeah.

Kimberly,

listen.

Something very bad happened.

I need to tell you something.

I'll leave you a little bit of insurance.

It's not much.

You gotta pay off my bills first.

There's some stuff to take care of with my sister.

Pedro, listen.

That's hot.

This is the end.

You know.

I had cancer.

That's so hot, dude.

A Puerto Rican girl

talking about dying.

Oh, my god.

She gave a piece of paper with her last wishes.

Like, this is the DJ I want at my funeral.

Yeah, they're both like very dramatic where they call me and say it's the end a few times.

And I keep believing it, dude.

I'm like the most gullible person ever.

I'm like, this is it.

Say goodbye.

Losiento.

Yeah, so that's it.

Los Ciento.

Los Ciento.

That could be a bit of a shakeup right there.

It is a little bit of a shakeup.

Alex, where are points at?

On the scoreboard with three points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Hey, what was that?

Three points.

Three wins.

That was that guy blowing his nose.

It was?

Yes.

God, thank God.

I thought this guy farted out of his stab wound.

Oh, no.

The trachea, the tracheotomy of stomachs.

Go ahead, Alex.

With seven points, Louis J.

Gomez.

With ten points, Kim Congdon

and tied for the lead.

Oh

my god.

With twelve points each.

How dare you strike down your master?

I have some ideas of my own, Tony.

Ari, your journey to the dark side is almost complete.

Wow.

Wow.

It's still anybody except for Big Jay's game.

Shut the fuck up.

This time I last.

What if both stories are mine?

I had a clean sweep twice.

You don't know.

You don't know yet.

I'm always.

Damn, I should have said a shit.

Alex, you ever story number seven?

Take a shit and you stop pushing out, the shit keeps coming up.

You guys got something to do with my age?

Oh my God, Jay.

God damn it, that looks bad.

Oh,

story number

seven.

I'm sorry, Larry.

My mother was secretly having sex with a long-haired man.

When I saw him, she told me it was a female friend having sleepovers

no your mom was out there she was a single mom for a few years yeah no doubt yeah I can see this happening easily

Was your mom banging a little bit, Big Jay?

No doubt, but mostly cops.

No long-haired men.

There was no long-haired men in the mix that I could remember at all.

A guy named Ron, who punched our fucking front door in.

While my mom had my stepfather up there fucking him the first night she met him.

Yo, my mom fucking got town.

Did you get to hang with the cops when you were younger and you eat donuts and whatnot?

No donuts, which would have been great.

No, my mom fucked cops and DJs, but the DJ would have like, uh, would be like, I'd go home from school.

A short-haired DJ?

Likely story.

He didn't have short hair.

JR.

This isn't me, but my my mother.

Jay's giving a lot of details.

Once again.

My mother had sex for sure, but there was no secret about it.

We were in a very small apartment.

I was aware she was having sex.

Were your parents together, Ari?

Everyone's dead.

I believe them.

It's true.

Under rubbles, my guess.

And not like a cool death.

I think this is Lewis.

Wasn't your mom having a lot of sex?

Yeah, but no secrets also.

The money is something.

No, my mom, mom, by the time I was old enough to see anything, my mom was borderline celibate.

She didn't really date any guys.

There was one guy named Izzy that she was banging.

What?

That's a girl's name.

Yeah.

Izzy is a long hair.

That's a long-haired guy.

Long-haired motherfucking name.

Looks like a bitch.

Looks like a chick.

Izzy looks like a chick.

And he did the, yeah, he's doing the thing with the band again.

That's what I said.

Somebody was like, that guy's banging your mom.

I was like, Izzy?

Oh, nice.

That joke is not going to throw me off, though.

Wow, it was fantastic.

But what do we think about Tony?

What do we think about Tony?

Tony, were your parents together?

They They were, right?

No.

Divorced.

And your mom was hot.

You submitted her to hot.

And your father was a mobster, and your mother would have to hide having sex with a long-haired guy.

It's Tony.

Boo, yeah.

It could be Tony.

Is it here, Tony?

It's Louis or Tony.

It's Lewis or Tony.

I agree with you.

But again, not Lewis because there's no secrets.

She was a...

A whore.

A whore.

A whore.

My mom was a whore.

She was not a single mom.

She was a whore when she was raising me.

She was a whore before she was raising me.

You know, my mom was a slut.

Yeah.

You got to have a slut.

Your mom just fucked a bunch of guys for nothing.

For the protection of the game.

For protection of our house.

Yeah.

Like, there's cops constantly in and out of that place.

And in and out of that place, if you know what I mean.

Sorry, Terry.

I love you.

A mom who doesn't get dick is a miserable mom.

And my mom was pleasant.

Yeah.

Mom's got to get fucked.

And my Jewish mother was willing to go knees behind the ears to get Christmas in our lives.

100%.

100%.

Go, Terry.

It was gonna be Hanukkah for us all the time.

I put Lewis.

Yeah, because of the deflection.

And Lewis is saying me, and I know he thinks.

I didn't put it in yet.

Fuck this.

So all our moms were whores?

That's crazy.

Yeah.

You can totally see.

Our moms were whores.

Is anyone's mother an active whore still?

Dead.

but she might get fucked yeah my mom's alive she's been my stepfather for a long time before that man she got down yeah even with my stepdad my mom would

yeah

i think i'm going with lewis big j okerson is the answer bullshit very obviously

you're you're letting big john there's a tiebreaker here right because i don't want to go with the same as there is there is a tiebreaker yeah okay

Then I'm just going with the right answer.

Neither one of you guys got points just now.

Just so you know, because it's Big Fucking J.

It's not, though.

Holy shit.

You'll see that.

If it's

Tony, if it's another Tony story, I'll kill myself.

Break Lewis's heart.

That was Kim Congden's story.

Wow.

Nobody guessed Kim.

I think Kim just pulled the fuck ahead.

Yeah, this is crazy.

Alex, whatever your name is, Kim.

No, you gotta tell story.

Tell a story first.

No, that's what I'm saying.

Kim, what happened here?

Yeah.

My dad was a fisherman, and he would go out for months at a time.

And I was just very, very young.

I barely remember this.

I remember walking into my room and seeing a long-haired person.

And then...

And then my mom being like walking out and being like, you remember my girlfriend that spent the night?

And trying to like gaslight me into thinking it was like her friend that was sleeping over.

And then when my dad asked me, Was there another man here?

I was like, No, but I think mommy had like a long-haired girl here.

And that girl was and my dad was like, I know you're tight, bitch.

And yeah, he figured it out.

Yeah, your dad had long hair, too.

Man, my dad had long hair, so he knew.

But dude, every time you tell a story, it becomes more and more evident how you fell into Lewis's arms at one point.

Ah,

yeah.

Your mom was a real-ass dude.

Yeah, no, she is.

She still is.

Damn.

Well, if that cancer.

Well, did you hear sounds from the bedroom or something?

No?

No, no, no, no, no.

She wasn't like a fucking pig, dude.

She kept it in her own terms.

She was a great mother.

She just liked to fuck, okay?

Get off her ass.

Those things are mutually exclusive.

Alex, where are our points at?

God damn it.

Yeah, this is bad.

All right, on the scoreboard in last place

with only three points.

Holy shit.

It's one of the lowest scores in Story Wars history.

It's nearly impossible to get three points in Story Wars.

The saddest part of this is he's still pissing right now.

I don't think I am, but that means nothing, apparently.

Tied with Colin Terrell for the lowest score in Story Wars history.

Oh my god.

You gotta get it.

No, he's Irish.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Wow.

I got in an Uber at 4:30 this morning to get here.

Go ahead, Alex.

With seven points.

Luis J.

Gomez.

It's okay.

We may be losing this book, but it's okay.

Fuck.

Fuck.

That book is walking out of our lodge.

Are we tied for fucking second place?

This is bad.

Tied for second place.

Oh, my God.

With 12 points each.

Oh, my God.

Tony Hinchcliffe and Ari Matting.

Oh, my God.

And in the lead,

with 18 points.

18.

Kim Cowden.

Oh my God.

We got to go over these points.

It's not over, Kim.

Stop looking the pages.

We don't know where we got this.

That's what I do not worry that book was.

That's what she thinks you do with books.

And I think it's safe enough to say that that major shift in the game brought to you by Double Point.

Thank you, Roots.

I'm getting into it now.

Holy shit, 18 points.

They got really wet.

I knocked him over when I stole the book.

It's soaking.

It makes me feel like my mom's underwear with a long-haired guy.

All right, Jay, let's take a quick moment and thank Cornbread Hemp for supporting today's show.

We love Cornbread Hemp.

They make incredible THC gummies and THC-free gummies as well.

So I like using the ones that go to sleep.

The sleep time gummies are 25 milligrams of CBD and one milligram of THC.

So very, very low THC.

So you don't got to get high, but you still get to bed really, really with a great full rest.

This is my favorite thing to take before I go to bed.

But they have incredible products, guys.

If you guys are trying to cut back on alcohol, my doctor, when I was smoking all weed, he was like, dude, don't smoke it.

Just eat it.

It's a way healthier way to do it.

All right.

Don't drink.

You're poisoning your body.

THC gummies are the way to go.

And a lot of people are switching from a lot of their other crap and switching over to THC gummies.

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They're the best.

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And it's real THC with no synthetics.

This is 100% legal hemp with fast and free shipping right to your door, Jay.

Oh, yeah.

Alcohol does not have to be your default anymore.

Whether you're doing dry January or just looking for a healthier way to relax and have a guilt-free good time, you got to.

Jay, it's April.

Huh?

It's April.

You said whether you're doing dry January, yeah, but just in case you decide to do it.

Whether you guys are doing dry April or just looking for a healthier way, people believe dry April is a real thing, or just looking for a healthier way to relax and have a guilt-free good time.

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That's cornbreadhemp.com/slash wars, code wars, cornbread hemp.

This is the good life.

All right, let's get back into it.

Let's do our last story.

Story number eight.

I once meant to send a text to my friend telling them to lie to the person I was dating about where I was.

Lewis.

I accidentally sent it to the person I was dating.

It's me or Lewis?

It's me or Lewis.

I think everyone has this story.

I've done it.

No, dude.

I'll tell you what a funny list would be: the next text you send when they go, what?

And you go, fucking around, dummy.

That's the name I wish you had.

I mean, I mean, this is me or Lewis.

Just so you guys watch out.

This might be Don Me.

Sure.

Yeah.

It's all of us.

I really think everyone's done this before.

Accidentally sent it.

100%.

Yeah, I did it last week.

I literally did it last week.

Yeah, but I've never lying to a speaker.

Genuinely.

I believe her.

I haven't.

Because I want to believe her.

I'm telling the truth.

She's lying to her boyfriend right now.

He's watching.

I love you, baby.

I just love going to the library for two hours every other day.

And smelling like a black dude when I get back.

I'm kidding.

I wonder if you were a babe.

I said I was kidding.

I'm not a guy I'm dating in my entire life.

I swear to God.

I do believe her.

That is God.

No, I've never lied to a guy I was dating.

I've never lied to you.

If she was going to lie, she would have lied to you.

I've never lied to you.

I don't know.

Maybe not.

Most deserve to be lied to.

I've never lied to you.

We've been friends for 13 years.

I've been very honest with you.

I don't lie.

Well, I've never dated you, but we're very close friends.

I've never lied to Jay.

Ari, we just met.

I feel like I have to lie to you because I don't trust you, but.

But you're a foreigner, dude.

I don't know.

I'm kidding.

No, I think it's a lie to you, too.

I'm going with Lewis.

This feels Lewis, too.

Big Jay, I don't want to.

Look, Big Jay's a liar.

Big Jay was in a full-fledged

other relationship while with his wife.

He is doing the bubble letters, I will say.

He's doing the bubble letters.

He's doing the bubble letters for the first time.

Even though I've looked to see if there's consistency in that theory, there isn't.

Sometimes I'm just feeling bubbleheaders, dude.

I'm an artist.

I like to tag Lewis.

I once meant.

Who would say I once meant?

That's a very specific way to talk, right?

Almost like you feel like a young king.

Ooh.

I once meant.

Ooh.

Because people write kind of how they talk.

That's what I've noticed in this.

They write it in the way that they talk a little.

ari can you read this that's why ari said fancy fancy like read this read this out loud i once meant to send a text to my friends

no no come on i'm just reading it it's telling them to lie to the person i was dating about where i was i accidentally sent it to the wrong person i was dating this is all correct

perfect read perfect read though but i'm gonna say this

i'm mathematically fucked on this game.

Who hasn't done it?

Oh my God.

That was a good idea.

I once meant to send a text to my friend.

No.

I mean.

Dude, it could be Tony, too.

Fuck.

I once meant to send a text to my friend telling him that

I've done that so many times.

I was standing about where I was.

That's the name of the context you're talking about.

Willis, did you do this?

The fact that everyone over at the table

is a lot of people.

I have a story very much like this, but it's not this.

Who are you voting for?

Either Big J or Ari.

Why?

Because.

It's one of us.

Because I genuinely think it's one of them.

I know Big Jay's dating history, and this could just be a natural flub, especially when Jay was married.

That was when you had to press the button three times to write a letter.

So that was a whole to-do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He went to the basement.

He does pretty much.

Who's this before?

I go.

It took me a long time to write.

Question Read It.

It was for somebody else, but just take her name out and put your name in it.

Because it does say text, and Jay is very old.

yeah

i i would call it sms yeah pigeon letter

this is you

yeah oh it's you

shit it might be is it you are

no no i'm gonna let kim guess because i don't want her to just copy me and stay in the lead i'm gonna play strategy

i'll stay here all night i mean here's the thing unless somebody takes a clean sweep kim is winning this no matter what so we we can try to get somebody to win this game right now, and everyone can vote for the same person, and then that person could take over Kim's thing.

I'll be honest with you, I don't know what the fuck.

So, just want anyone else besides me to win?

No, I want to be.

I want to be

a female story warrior.

Impossible.

It's not going to happen.

Not today.

Not with Hillary's book.

This is going to a man.

The last thing I do.

That's crazy.

Fuck.

It might be Tony, dude.

Fuck.

I think it might be Tony.

I think Ari's acting now.

And Ari's trying to take it off.

Yeah.

His text, when he read it, it sounded so natural.

But I could also see Big J going, I once sent a text and starting to light a cigarette.

I think it's Big J, but I have a feeling it's Ari just because he's trying to throw it to different people after he's already voted for no reason.

The only reason it might be Ari is because he doesn't know that everyone's got the story.

Yeah.

Ari, Maddie.

That That is my vote.

I guess it's not me because none of this reads as a fat thing.

This isn't a fat thing.

Who are you sending to me?

It seems like any size person could do something like that.

Technically, your fat thumbs could have hit the wrong name.

It's not bad.

It's not bad logic.

Who'd you vote for?

Me?

Yeah.

Who did I vote for?

You don't even even remember.

You.

We got three votes for Lewis, two votes for Ari.

Alex, whose story is this?

This story belongs to Lewis J.

Govie.

Yes!

You didn't even push me away too far because you wanted me to get a couple points.

I want you to reach two points.

I want you to be the same as Column Terrell.

That's crazy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, but luckily, here's the thing.

I wasn't cheating.

I've told you this story before.

I didn't want to include that detail.

I also included in the text.

All I texted to my ex was my son's mother.

I was like, hey, and I texted Gary Veter, who's a great comedian.

I was like, hey, dude.

You know this story.

Yeah.

I was like, if Beatrice asks you, say that I was with you

all night tonight.

And then I was like, I'm really smoking weed with Dave.

And I was lying to my son's mother about smoking weed, not cheating.

It was just a lot of lies.

But yeah.

And I sent it to her.

She's like, really?

I was like, fuck.

But apart from that.

He couldn't tell the story without being like, I wasn't cheating.

He couldn't just be like, I lied about smoking weed.

Yeah, well, it's true.

I was.

I mean, I was cheating, but that wasn't what the story was.

She didn't catch that.

Yeah, she didn't catch that one.

Alex, where are our final points at?

I already know who won, but

on the scoreboard, final points with seven points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Wow.

Big Jay.

Wait, watchers.

With nine points.

Luis J.

Gomez.

Wow.

We can beat him.

We all beat him.

Tied with 16 points each.

Tony Hinchcliffe and Ari Matty.

Oh my God.

Wow.

And you're a winner with 18 points.

I thought we won.

Kim Congen.

Oh, God.

You're just pouring beer on a microphone.

The first ever female story warrior.

Holy shit.

Kimberly Cognon is the newest story warrior on the Wall of Legends.

Making history.

Holy shit, everyone's going to sign the book so you can take it back with you, Kim.

Kim, our official newest story warrior.

Make some fucking noise for Kim Cognon, everybody.

And having a big, big round of applause.

Those guys really just have to shoe things.

I didn't believe you.

He does.

A big round of applause for all of our fucking guests tonight, everyone.

The great Ari Matty.

Tony Hinchcliffe.

Kimberly Congle, your newest Story Warrior.

For Story Wars, I'm Big Jay Okerson.

I'm Louis J.

Gomez.

We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars.

Until then, peace.

Thank you all so much.