058. Ryan Long, Monroe Martin, & Scott Chaplain | Loss

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All right, let's start this motherfucker.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J.

Okerson and Louis J.

Gomez.

Yeah,

what is up New York Comedy Club welcome to Story Wars.

Can you make some fucking noise in here tonight for us, please?

Oh, yeah.

Another sold-out show, Story Wars, right here at the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night.

If you guys are in the New York area or visiting, please come hang out with us this year.

But buy those tickets in advance because we have been selling out.

Thank you guys.

Always be closing.

Always be closing.

Lewis is always closing.

Everybody, welcome to Story Wars.

Here's this packed house.

Dude, how many people here, we ask every week, how many people are here familiar with the game Story Wars?

Besides this black guy, how many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

Couple guys, couple guys here.

He looks so confused.

Well, I'll tell you right now.

He's getting pissed.

Is that Rajah Jackson?

Holy shit, don't fuck me up, sir.

Please.

Calm down, sir.

I don't know what a problem with you.

By the way, if somebody jumped on top of you and started punching your unconscious face, I would just go, they're wrestling.

Do you go, stop them?

I go, no, they're wrestling.

We will explain the game to anybody here who was unfamiliar after we get our amazing panel up here on this stage.

Okay.

Our first contestant coming to the stage, absolutely hilarious.

He has a special right now called Problem Solved on YouTube, and you know him from his podcast, The Boyscast.

How about it for the the hilarious Ryan Long and Long?

Ryan, very happy to have you back on Story Wars.

Is this your second or third effect?

Third hat-trick.

Wow, this is it.

You haven't won yet, though, right?

New mic covers, too, eh?

Happy to be back with the boys and the upgrades.

No, I did the opposite of win both times.

Dead last, okay.

That's called Jay-in-It.

Jay-ing it hard.

Redemption is coming your way, Ryan.

Our second competitor, making his Story Wars debut.

He's a hilarious comedian and podcaster, regular on all the gas digital podcasts.

Clap it up, sliders count for the one and only, Scott Chaplin.

Let him hear it.

Let him hear it.

Oh, Scott Chaplin.

Oh, she's a child.

He's going to get up in your guts, Scott Chaplin.

He's going to bust your back, Scott Chaplin.

That was very sensual.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The intro was so nice.

Very sexual.

Our final contestant, last but not least, he's got a special on YouTube right now called Live from Nairobi, Kenya.

Make some noise for the hilarious Philadelphia Zone.

Monroe Martin in the house.

Also, Monroe's first time on Story Wars.

We're very happy to have you here, my friend.

Fuck yeah.

I'm happy to be here.

Holy shit.

It's great.

This is an amazing, amazing panel.

That's right.

Red mic covers.

Yeah.

Ryan noticed that also.

You said nothing, Scott.

I liked it.

I don't know.

How about you have a little appreciation for colors, Scott?

For the love of God.

For anybody here who is unfamiliar with the show, that black guy, right?

Yep.

And then

for

anybody listening at home for the first time, Story Wars is a very simple game.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject?

Loss.

You live, you lose, folks.

So astute.

Real astute.

Real astute.

Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to read eight of those stories one at a time.

You will see it here on the screen.

If it's your story, you're the the only person who knows that.

It's your job to

fool people that it's not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points for every person you fool on the panel.

If it is your story, you get one point.

So you can win up to four points.

If it's your story, once you write the answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot, remove your hand.

That's it.

That's your final answer.

You can't change it.

I'll tell you right now, it's a ton of fun.

We always have fun here in Story Wars, but we don't play for fun, sir.

That's not what we're playing for.

No, no, no, not just points either.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

Every week, sir, every week,

sir, every week here at Story Wars, we are playing for a book from the Story Wars library.

Tonight's winner of Story Wars goes home with how to talk to your cat about gun safety

by

the American Association of Patriots.

Using a whimsical premise, the author parodies extreme political rhetoric and fear-mongering by applying these controversial societal issues to the lives of cats.

This book hilariously uses a straight-faced QA format to address absurd questions, such as: do cats really like to play with guns?

And what's the proper age to teach my cat about gun safety?

One of my favorites.

It's a biggie.

Actually, this book shaped a lot of Lewis's young years.

Sure.

It is going to be a very, very fun one, and I think I'm ready.

Is this crowd ready for war?

Is this crowd ready for war?

That's better.

And with no further ado,

Alexandra, story number one.

Story number one.

I thought my car was stolen and I reported it to the police.

Four days later, I remembered that I had just left it in a parking lot.

Within weeks, the car was actually stolen, and nobody would believe me.

A classic.

The boy who cried wolf.

What does it say about me that I thought it was Monroe, then I thought it wasn't Monroe, and then came back to thinking it was Monroe by the end again.

That is racist.

He was a real roller coaster.

Well, a cops didn't arrest him, so it's not Monroe.

He wasn't even there.

I mean, Scott grew up in Jersey City.

It's a shitty area.

Scott has shitty cars that are easily stealable.

I've known Scott a long time ago.

May I say something?

Please.

I really needed you to drive to Baltimore two weekends ago, and we used my car, and it doesn't work.

Voice is cracking there.

It doesn't work anymore.

Oh, your car's done?

It broke down?

It's pretty much done.

I got to say, Scott bought some

2006 BMW.

2007 BMW.

It was gifted to me by a man named Mohammed.

And it blew up.

Go figure it.

Some would say that car's the bomb.

Don't get gifted.

gifted with VMW.

Mom,

problems.

That's dangerous.

I don't think there's a lot of car theft in Canada.

I would never call the cops, so it's obviously not me.

See, I would assume that you might have an okay relationship with cops.

Maybe not, though.

Well, they're mounties, so they show up on a whole bunch of people.

They're trying again.

Yeah.

I think if you read every sentence and realize the person was furious the entire time, and that's why...

That's why there was confusion about the car.

It's, where's my car?

Where the fuck's my car?

And then it's, oh, my car's fine.

And then it's like, oh, my car was stolen.

Nobody believes me.

It was written in a

grown man, far calmer than

in a year.

Scott, it seems like you're playing my favorite game, a sub-game here at Story Wars called It's Always Lewis.

If you just read every story as me, they all kind of make it Lewis.

These stories are always about Wisconsin.

Which is his spell.

It's crazy shit.

Yeah, it's always probably Lewis.

Yeah.

So I will say, Jay, you know this.

We know each other probably.

We just talked earlier today.

We've been working together for nearly 20 years now.

You know this.

I've never had a car stolen.

I just started driving again.

I don't know that for sure ever, but I mean,

you were not a driver for so long.

Yeah, I just started driving again like three or four years ago when I moved out to Jersey.

Before that, when I was, I drove from 16 to 19, the shittiest cars on the planet.

Nobody's stealing any of the cars that I got.

So I'm out, guys.

Trust me.

It's not really that good of a.

My car was too shitty to steal.

Yeah.

Because enough to stay over the night.

Shitty cars are easy to steal.

People.

This very much could be Lewis.

I couldn't have fucked her.

She was gross.

All right.

Well, we got our answer.

There's nothing I could have.

I can't even put myself in a mental space

to think for four full days I wouldn't have remembered that it was, I parked in a parking lot.

Like, I can't even think of the scenario that this happened in.

He parked, went somewhere, went to a parking lot, parked, and then decided to walk home and forgot.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

Jay, have you ever had a car stolen?

I feel like you have, right?

I've had a car broken into and stolen.

Kurt Metzger parked my fucking car in a towway zone

and it was gone.

And then when we called all the tow places and they're like, we don't have your car, realized then it was stolen.

He would have gotten it towed had it not been stolen.

Yeah, they stole it.

And then when they found it, I had my first headshots ever.

I mean, a real, like,

and there was a stab, it was like stabbed into the dashboard, and uh, and my joke book was missing.

So, if you see some punk fucking thug from Camden, New Jersey out there ripping shit with his fat white jokes,

and that was when Jake gave up on writing jokes.

Why?

I'm not sure if I was gonna just take them

hurting my hand writing all day like an idiot.

For what?

Some piece of shit's gonna come take it anyway.

I don't know why.

This story is screaming Scott Chaplin to me still.

And I also feel like he was very quick to be like, I think we got our answer, everyone, right?

He's looking at everyone in the face, getting a little fucking hambony.

This is, I've seen,

this is Lewis.

Whatever you just did and put it on me, I think you've done that before behind my back.

And I think it's fucking you.

No, that was Scott.

You know the guy?

Yeah, that it was his condom in the backseat of the car.

Listen, you cunt.

It was Louis J.

Gomez.

Lewis is the person.

This sounds like something you do.

I would know the story about you, I feel like.

And Scott doesn't feel like he's...

I'm trying to look at who's dippy enough

to forget they parked their car.

Scott's a pothead.

He's

no, I'm not.

I'm sober.

Are you?

No.

No.

He literally, we smoke it while I'm driving I go please don't smoke in my car he goes here here

idiot what are you talking about all right I got my answer pothead Scott Chaplin yeah

forgetting this car in a goddamn parking lot like a goddamn stoner You're not wrong.

Look, I convinced everyone too.

God, I'm good at this game.

I'm really good at this game.

The Jersey Maniac.

It's a Jersey story.

It's a Jersey story all day long.

Big parking lots, lots of cars, lots of of car thieves.

That's my Trump.

It was a wonderful car.

Dude, you should fucking really work on a Trump.

No one's covering that.

My Trump rules.

Yeah, it does.

It's good.

I'm voting for a scot all day.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Well, well, well.

Uh-oh.

Oh, shit.

Story number one.

It's Monroe.

Fuck.

Belongs to the city.

I don't think the cops was shit.

Ryan Long.

Holy shit.

It was right there.

It was right there.

Big Jay, it is I who is dippy enough to do that.

This was in Canada or after you moved?

Yeah, it's Toronto.

By the way,

this is the funniest part.

So when I went to get my car, they had like, because

when they dropped it off, they took it for two weeks, drove it around like Joy wrote it, left it in a parking garage.

That's where I got it.

And they had to go pick up my stuff.

And they had a bag of my stuff, and it was just one limbiscuit CD.

And here's the thing: it was-and it wasn't my CD, but none of the cops believed that either.

So, whoever stole my car brought his own limbiscuit getaway music

because he can only steal cars that he said she said bullshit.

Great story.

Ryan Long.

Oh, shit.

Oh, and I will have

to go.

I remember his energy, though.

He was over here shaking.

So I was like, it was you.

It was at the corner.

It was Corner Comedy Club.

I went to the comedy club, parked around the corner in a church parking lot, and then over the course of the night, forgot that I have driven, got a ride home, and then the next morning was like, where's my car?

It should be in my parking spot.

I'd forgot all about it.

Are you hammered?

No.

he doesn't count ketamine as hammered

just like a flighty chick.

Yes, that's correct.

Yeah,

that's the scenario you were dealing with.

Well, I'll tell you right now, you did a great job fooling everybody.

I mean, I already know the point spread, but Alex, let everyone know where our points are at.

All right, on the scoreboard, all alone in first place with four points.

Ryan Long.

Damn.

Very, very solid start, Ryan.

Ryan Notorious, I mean, I think he has maybe the lowest score in Story Wars history.

Not great at the game.

Great on round one.

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I wanted ball deodorant for you.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

I once couldn't find my phone in my own home and became so nervous that I began to turn on my friends who were visiting.

Ryan.

It happened the same time you lost your car.

Who's playing snake on my Fido phone?

Here's the thing.

I mean, I know Big J

is very strange about his phone.

He was back in the day a notorious cheater.

So I'm assuming the anxiety, and I, as am I, I'm on anxiety.

You love giving people your phone, really?

I mean, look, I know the anxiety, though.

When you're a notorious cheater, if you lose your phone, you're like, why don't you unlock your phone?

Just let the front row take a peek.

Jay, you won't even let me look at your phone right now.

Correct.

But I'm saying that I could see you being very nervous that you left your phone open.

Maybe your chick had it.

A lot of flaccid dick pics.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you leave the phone open?

Then you start freaking out on everyone in your house.

Jay also loves his friends.

He invites people over.

He loves gatherings.

He loves juggalos.

You're selling me too hard.

It's the friends we're visiting part, though.

That's what makes me think it was Jay.

He would call them acquaintances, yeah.

Employees.

So

I had a lot of interns over this past weekend.

My interns slash punching bags slash drivers slash cooks.

I mean, if it's like

nervous is the funny, like nervous, I guess.

That's what I'm saying, Lewis.

You had like such a scenario played out.

It's also a high scenario, too, by the way.

This is clearly high.

Paranoid.

Paranoid.

Yeah.

Which is Scott.

I mean, what Lewis is describing is very correct.

I definitely

wouldn't have wanted my chick just...

willy-nilly with my phone for sure.

I suppose every other guy who would love it.

Yeah, no, no guy would love it.

I guess that's the idea.

It's like so nervous.

That's what I'm saying.

Like the nervous.

If I lost my phone, it's not even any, it's not even my girl.

I assume that I might have left it open and that it's so exposed.

The amount of dick pics, my fucking.

Well, then you'd be nervous.

I'd be extremely nervous.

That's a great one.

I'd be head-butting walls.

There's a great body cam thing of them going on a boat and getting ready to arrest a guy and his chick's there.

And they go, give her your phone.

He goes, give her your phone.

He just throws it in the water.

No, no, no.

The one I saw, he just chucks on the right.

He jumped in the water, dude, With his phone.

Do you remember that?

He jumped in the water.

It might be a different thing.

The one I saw, he just goes, they go, you give me a wife.

He goes, NASA, all right.

He just throws it in the water.

He's like, if he talks about it.

If I tried to buy a new phone, I would bite it in half.

Here.

As I said, if I was ever laying bloody dying on the ground, I'd go, throw my computer in a fire.

Clear all of my history.

I remember I was dating a girl once, and then she sent me like images of her on a bridge being like, I'm going to kill myself because you won't be with me.

And then I was cheating on my girlfriend with there at the time.

And then I was like, I was like, fuck, dude.

I was like, if she kills herself, I have to get to her body to get her phone to remove all of the evidence of me cheating on my girlfriend.

What bridge is that?

You're jumping in water, right?

Plus, I have to change her ID to 18.

Hey, kid, what are you doing?

Ryan votes early.

Ryan thinks it's Scott.

Why do you think it's Scott?

Oh, sorry, that's your last.

That is your last.

You left it up there.

Please.

Please.

I don't think it's Scott.

I might be putting him back on there.

I'm not getting Scott vibes at all.

Scott is a pretty comical and collected guy.

Monroe, cool as a fucking cucumber.

God damn it.

Monroe acts like he plays jazz music.

He does.

He plays trombone like a genius, never a lesson in his life.

The guy is pure jazz.

Let's see.

Ooh, we got some votes going.

Ryan Long Monroe votes for Ryan Long.

Scott Chaplin votes for Big Jay.

Ryan Long votes for Monroe.

Why Monroe?

By me.

Silent for what?

Okay.

I feel like you guys would have had spicier stories than this.

Possible.

Maybe.

You would have spruced it up a little bit.

I fought Monroe right away.

I'm going off.

I'm going Big J.

I just know how nervous Jay gets around his phone, dude.

Please.

Waste your vote, idiot.

Always Lewis.

Done.

Say no more.

Jay's able to waste his vote because it's him.

Got it.

Two points for Jay.

Hip, hip, hooray.

Alex?

Story number two belongs to

Big Jay Ogerson.

Wait.

Two points for Jay.

Yeah.

You voted Jay too?

I nailed it.

I mean, Lewis, you basically just told the story.

I remember

I had Julian McCull and Sean O'Connor at my house.

Sean's first time at my house.

Julian was like, and they came over to watch, like, I think an Eagles playoff game or something.

And it was just one of those.

I smoked a bunch of weed, and I remember just going to smoke, like, oh, my, remember the balcony on the place in Queens.

I was on the balcony smoking, and I just went like, oh, let me check.

I haven't checked my, you know, sunk into this game for a while.

And I was like, hmm, hmm,

okay

I mean cigarette immediately flicked and I'm in the house going calling out my ex's name because you're trying to gauge for aggressive yeah yeah yeah

you're like hey what's up she's like upstairs like oh god but it was like too even tone that I couldn't tell if she was like nothing

and just going through and I mean and like and the guys that were there were like you need help looking for something because I'm like flipping cushions and shit and like you need help looking for something she's punching holes into the walls looking in the holes.

And I mean, I literally, I was like, I'm fine.

Watch the game.

It's fine.

I just got to fucking figure something.

And then it was just in like the side cushion of a couch.

And I found it was just the energy shift.

And those two guys.

I'm doing anxious thinking about this story right now.

Those two guys,

like, when they saw what, they didn't, I didn't explain anything.

I was short and shitty with them for a second.

And then when I found my phone and they saw me like collapse on the couch and like a

they were like, they were like oh yeah

Alex

where are our points at?

God damn.

All right on the scoreboard in last place with zero points Monroe Martin wait I'm the only one with zero

Tied for second place with two points each.

Lewis J.

Gomez Big Jay Ogerson and Scott Chaplin.

Oh, can that be our new high five?

The turkey?

No, you do the hand.

No, you do a hand.

Turkey.

Oh, that's fun.

Turkey.

Turkey.

Is that ours now?

Nobody's done that?

No one's done that.

It's probably been done a thousand times.

Nobody's done a turkey.

Never like this.

Oh, dude.

Turkey.

By the way, that is now part of story lore's the lore.

Yes, dude.

Story lore.

Storylore.

And in first place.

In the lead with four points.

Ryan Long.

Huge news for my cat.

All right.

It is truly anybody's game.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I once got jumped by family members in the middle of the night in a suburban neighborhood and nobody helped me.

I mean, Monroe, this sounds like a fucking...

You threw me?

It's an origin story.

What?

That didn't even make no sense.

This is the ashes that you rose up from.

A suburban neighborhood?

You mean our neighborhood?

What?

You say I was in a neighborhood with a bunch of white people.

But the rest of us

neighborhood.

Yeah.

No, I'm not

sure.

I didn't grow up in a suburban neighborhood at all.

I grew up right in a city.

West Philly.

West Philly?

Oh, I thought it was a good idea.

But you were in.

I know your story, but you were in foster care.

Oh, okay.

You were shuffled around.

All of it.

Listen, Lewis.

Because it sounds like it was his cousins.

Absolutely.

But Lewis, all of his family members, I believe, were murdered outside.

Damn.

Turkey.

Turkey.

Turkey.

In bad neighborhoods.

So I don't, this is not Lewis.

But the family members thing,

he was a foster kid, so he's got no family members.

So that is the only

ex-factor.

But every time you're imaginary friends, every time.

Every time he was unwanted by another family, they would ship him to another family.

And for just that first night, he would go, are you guys my family forever now?

And they'd go, sure, kiddo.

And then the next morning, their white kid would be like, who's the black guy in my room?

And they're like, get out of here, you piece of shit.

And that, and this, and just that on and on until

all that, it's over and over again until

he graduated high school.

It was just a series of that over and over.

Monroe was like the blind side, except he couldn't play football.

They kept trying.

He goes, you got to get under the pads.

Under the pads.

He's like, I don't know.

It's not, my mechanics aren't good for it.

Oh, what a waste of an adoption.

He's like, I'm very interested in science.

He goes, yeah, a black scientist, that'll be great.

Fantastic, instead of a fucking off-tackle.

Yeah, Monroe, I mean, I got to be honest with you, as I'm looking at everyone on this panel, I just couldn't imagine it being anybody else.

And it's not racism, it's just that.

It's the suburban.

No, it's the family that's jumping you.

Lewis, you're also not white.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's why I'm like, why wouldn't it be Lewis?

He's right.

Then you grow up and like Lewis isn't white.

It's not a shit.

Lewis isn't white.

Lewis isn't white.

Oh.

Lewis isn't white.

By the way.

Lewis isn't white.

By the way.

Lewis isn't white.

I did look at white guy.

When Lewis lays in bed at night and finds himself not being able to fall asleep, that's what he just hears over and over again.

Lewis with a guess.

I am white.

No, leave me alone, voices.

Takes the clanhood up.

I mean, my instinct is screaming, Monroe Mom.

Maybe I'm wrong here.

This is my vote.

Monroe.

The foster care thing's fucking that one up for me.

But I will say his sister was in foster care with him as well, so I think he was somebody.

Was it?

He jumped you?

Separate home?

Separate home?

He jumped him into the family.

Oh, dude.

And that's why Monroe is a Rollin 88 Crip.

Yes.

I do know for a fact that Monroe is a Rollin 88 Crip, and that's probably maybe how he got in.

I'm going to go Monroe for that reason.

I'm going to go to one of these two ships.

I know.

I feel like.

I could really see Jay getting jumped by his cousins.

Someone would help him, though.

He's pathetic.

Christ's sakes, pull somebody off of him.

He's pathetic.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Whose story was this?

Story number three belongs to Monroe Martin.

I think he could have sold the Foster care harder.

He was the only person bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about suburbs.

He was like, things are going to be all right here.

And then he got jumped by a bunch of hillbillies in the middle of the night.

They're like, we have trees.

So which family members jumped you, Monroe?

So I was like 17 years old and I just moved into this new home and they locked me out of the house because I came home too late.

Like they had like a curfew and I got there like an hour late and I got mad and I like fucking like kicked the whole accidentally kicked the hole in their fucking You don't have to lie to us.

We know it wasn't an accident.

It was an accident.

What do you think he's talking about,

dude?

you took them down yeah i kicked the fucking hole in the pool in the pool above ground yes they were trash anyway and i kicked the hole in the oh dude that's a letter

i was like these other little foster kids were like you destroyed our pool

we're foster kids above ground pool is the best it's ever gonna get

so then i i left and i thought the coast was clear i was like 10 blocks away but then they pulled up in the minivan and fucking

they got me they got me and they jumped you they jumped us like real like real beat you up

how do you lure him in he goes son

hug me

no i think it's a trick son you're my son i forgive you i forgive anything you're my son you're not my son

uppercut to the gut

take that somebody else's son

a stone cold stunner oh shit uh all right so practicing wrestling moves on, dude.

Three stories down.

Give us our points, Alex.

All right.

In last place with zero points, Monroe Martin.

I believe white people.

I believe.

I'm like, no, you're right.

It wasn't him.

Why did this story never teach?

Tied for second place with four points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Big J.

Okerson, and Scott Chaplin.

Yo, Turk needs some points.

And in the lead with six points, Ryan Long.

God damn.

Ryan, you are inching dangerously close to walking home with how to talk to your cat about gun safety by the American Association of the Space.

That being said, my favorite book's How to Teach My Dog About Peanut Butter.

No shit.

This is going to up your game because it's presented as a genuine self-help manual for the patriotic cat owner.

The book highlights the absurdity of certain viewpoints by by suggesting that your cat, like any good American, should be prepared to defend their home, country, and constitutional rights.

That's why I name my cat Dave Smith.

Cats are not born with a sense of patriotism or what it means to be American, but with this book, you can teach them.

Hey guys, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors here at Story Story Wars, longtime sponsor at this point, and that is PrizePicks.

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And I'm not a sports guy, so it really makes me get into the games.

Jay, when I go to your house and I watch, and you guys are loving football, loving basketball, I feel like an asshole, not anymore.

Yeah, because I now I have prize picks, I have actual skin in the game.

I get so excited.

It's so easy to understand.

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All right, where were we?

Alex,

story number four.

Story number four.

One time I lost my temper at the post office when the woman who worked there refused to help me.

I told her that I had Tourette's and she felt bad and proceeded to help.

This isn't Lewis because

I was with him.

And by the way, lost my temper post office, woman worked there, refused to help me.

I told her I had Tourette's.

Lewis wouldn't say I have, he wouldn't make an excuse.

Did you say I'd give you Tourette's?

He would be like, he's like, I'm your nightmare, bitch.

You wouldn't make an excuse, like, oh, sorry, I'm just acting crazy.

No,

if I've lost my temper, I want her to know it's because of her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I will say, I don't want to keep up there on a job.

I'm doing what Jay does to me every time, but I watch Jay lose his temper at workers.

And I'm not saying that this person's black, but I'm imagining the woman being black.

I am.

I don't know why.

Post office worker, likely black.

You can hear going from one story to DMV, which is mostly black.

yes.

And

they were not helpful, and I did have to hold back a lot, sure.

But I didn't say anything, and I still don't have a real ID.

And every form was right.

But once again, I don't think you would say you have Tourette's.

I brought two times everything I needed,

and they were so black.

They were so black to me.

They were.

So the Tourette's thing is the X Factor.

Excuse me.

Scott's a nice guy.

Yep.

Scott has, he's got a lot of rage.

Scott's got a dead dad.

He's got his own fucking issues.

He's got a jersey thing, but Scott's also not a bad person.

So I could see Scott losing his head and be like, oh no, no, I need to come up with an excuse for this.

I didn't just say the N-word.

That was a condition

that

goes, no, that just comes out of me whenever one of you people pisses me off.

Whenever I need a stamp.

Now, mail this package, and don't make me say it again.

Yeah, I mean, this does feel like Scott.

I feel like Scott, I can see Scott getting hot-headed.

I would never tell someone I had Tourette's because

that's retarded.

That's why I think it's Lewis.

Yeah, and then you started making faces thinking that Tourette's people look different or something, too.

You might want to go go Durrette!

And she was like, oh, yeah.

Me and Lewis are.

You know, you did.

He did.

He started twitching his shit.

She's like, that's not part of it.

I'm telling you.

Yeah.

He started limping out the door.

Yeah.

He used to go, can I lick the stamps?

Let me say something.

As soon as we saw Lost My Temper, we all thought Lewis for sure.

But the excuse of Tourette's, I'm telling you, one of the

four reasons me and Lewis are bonded brothers for life is the idea of this.

Me and Lewis understood more than anything in Bronx's tale after they beat up the bikers.

When he grabbed him, he goes, Look at my face.

I did this to you.

You don't want her to think you just have Tourette's.

You want to know, I'm furious at you, and I want to ruin the rest of your fucking day.

And I will wear that with a badge of honor.

And so does Lewis.

This isn't Lewis.

If it is, I'll kill myself on stage.

Holy shit.

Tonight,

I'll put a knife in my own throat and bleed out in front of you.

But until then, I'm watching Scott Bad.

I'm watching Scott Bad Act too.

He's going, damn, is it Big Jay?

Man, Scott sure is really thoughtful over there.

It's fucking Scotty the hottie.

That's what I think.

Oh, Scott's playing my favorite game.

It's always Lewis.

It's always Lewis.

No, Jay.

Lewis goes very disrespectful on purpose.

I like that.

It's not me, dude.

I wouldn't make the Tourette's excuse.

Ryan votes for Scott.

It's my Tourette's.

Monroe votes for Ryan.

We have all of our answers in.

Alex, whose story was story number four?

Story number four

belongs to

Lewis Jay Gomez.

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

Everybody.

Kill yourself.

Seraphina.

Kill yourself.

Go get me the knife they cut the.

Get me the knife they cut the limes with.

Seraphina, get me a sharp knife they cut the limes with.

I'm going to try to take my own life on the stage.

What?

This, you never took.

So let it.

Not only is this me, Jay.

Cut Jay's life in, you got face scared.

You know, was I sitting in the car waiting for you?

No, listen, not only was this me, this happened today.

Get the fuck out of here.

This happened to me this morning when I went to, and I fucked up because I told you that I went to change my address at the post office today.

I was like, fuck, why don't I tell them that?

In the green room.

Scott's so bad at acting.

He's telling the truth.

It fucked me up.

I didn't think it was him, though.

And he goes,

I would never.

I almost started to feel bad.

I go, poor Scott, dude.

Everyone's just guessing, obviously.

He's going to get no points.

So, no, here's what happened.

I went to go change my address.

I get there, and my ID isn't my current address that I get my mail to.

It's my son's mother's address.

So.

That's adult.

Well, because I moved and I never wanted to, I didn't bring the, once again, same thing with you.

I went to the DMV and I couldn't change the address because I didn't have the right form or the right mail.

I had everything.

I had everything right.

No, no, no.

You're misunderstanding.

Twice, I had everything right.

These people were just being very black to me that day.

So it was a black woman in the post office.

Oh,

yeah.

Why does it have to be black?

What difference does color make in the story?

So, I, well, I'll tell you why, because I gave her my ID and I was like,

I have to change my address.

I filled out the thing online first.

Then she was like, you have to give me a barcode.

Then I gave her my ID.

She's like, yeah, this doesn't match.

And I was like, what?

She was like, yeah, I need something that matches with your ID.

And I was like, I don't have anything.

I started like twitching like this.

I was so mad.

I was moving all day.

I moved today.

So I'm moving all day.

I'm doing all this shit.

And I got so angry.

But because you're in one of these, like, I need to change my address.

There's no, there's no screaming at this woman.

There's no getting, I need to get this done.

So the only thing I could do was start to fucking twitch and fucking shake.

And she's like, she's like, nah, honey, nah, nah, I ain't the one.

You're not doing that to me.

And I was like, what?

She's like, she's, yeah, you ain't going to get all angry at me.

I was like, I'm not angry.

I was like, I actually have Tourette's.

So, damn.

It's an affliction.

I have a mental affliction.

You're a mental dude.

She felt bad.

She was like, she goes, oh, I'm sorry, baby.

I didn't know.

And I was like, that's right.

It's okay.

You're a badass.

I had to give her a lease in my life.

Can I have dibs on Jay's points after the episode?

Alex, four stories down.

Could I talk you out of Lewis?

No,

Scott talked me out of Lewis.

Honestly.

Yeah.

It's good acting.

I tricked you guys into thinking

I was confused.

Look at how well I'm talking now.

You did.

Let's get back to the game.

you want

and realize who you're playing with boys

shape up

four stories down we're at the halfway point alex where door points stand all right in last place with zero points monroe martin yeah

zero zero zero

No one's ever gone zero.

No one's ever gone zero.

No, you're halfway.

You're halfway to goal, baby.

Yes.

Alex.

Story Wars history.

In fourth place with four points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Tied for second place with six points each.

Ryan Long and Scott Chaplin.

Woo!

And in the lead with seven points, Lewis Jay Gomez.

Are you just watching your home?

Are you keeping motivated with a picture of your home?

No, no, no, my sister's on ChatGPT sending me ideas for the backyard.

Oh, that's hilarious.

I thought you were like,

remember while you do it all, man.

If you look closely, you see the woman from the post office in a cage.

Oh, my God.

We are at the halfway point of the show, four stories down.

At this point, we always go over some plugs real quick.

Monroe Martin, what are you plugging, my friend?

Nothing.

nothing okay he's pissed he's not happy to be here

come on socials nothing all right monro martincomedy.com monroe martin iiio instagram and twitter

support monroe

anito points why do i trust y'all hilarious comedian terrible at story wars terrible scott chaplin uh scott underscore chaplin on all the things and i'll be at skank fest in november i'm sure all these boys will be there too

come come through

Boys, I just actually announced New York doing four shows for the Comedy Festival: Appleton, Milwaukee, Columbus, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Baltimore, Fort Worth, Dallas, San Francisco, Sacramento, Nashville.

Please come out to those.

Watch my special Problem Solved on YouTube.

Just reached a million views a bit ago, so check that out.

Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

Big Jokerson's Peter North American Tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

I'm coming to this week.

Oh, no, this is going to be on a couple weeks.

I have Calgary coming up, Pittsburgh, Columbus, Ohio, of course, Skang Fest.

I'm going to be doing a weekend at the Comedy Mothership in October, last weekend of October.

And then the Thursday of that weekend, we're going to be doing two Story Wars down at the Mothership Express.

Main room.

They've invited us.

We've killed it so much in Austin that they invited us to the main room at the Mothership.

Two shows, October 30th.

Let's sell it out quickly.

It's going to be great.

Which raises the question,

did they offer it to us or did we ask?

Hmm.

Doesn't matter.

I think we're doing that also.

I think we're doing the same kind of thing when I'm in Philadelphia Thanksgiving weekend.

I think the Wednesday before we're going to do Story Wars down there.

Story Wars is fucking coming to us to see near you as well.

Of course, listen to the Bonfire 5 this week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course, the flagship show right here on Guest Digital, The Legion of Motherfucking Skanks with me, Lewis, and Dave.

And I'm doing live streaming now on YouTube.

Check that out as well.

And double album, double vinyl of them, they is going to be available very soon.

Very cool.

Come see me live on the road, September 11th through 13th, Portland, Maine, Key West, Florida, coming up right after that.

Levittown, New York, Kenosha, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri, and more.

Go to Lewisofskanks.com, grab those tickets.

The Bring Five Friends store wrapping up 2025.

Gonna be a blast.

We're also actually, we should announce as well for the New York Comedy Festival.

We were invited.

We didn't ask.

This was invited.

We were invited.

November 11th, we're actually taking Story Wars to the Gramercy Theater, which is going to be a fucking blast.

Huge show.

It's going to be huge.

Huge.

Joe Biden?

That was my Biden, yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, but get those tickets because that will sell out and it's going to be a goddamn blast.

Big, big show at the Grand Mercy Theater, which is great.

Subscribe to Gast Digital if you love this show.

There's a bunch of episodes that aren't available anywhere else, all at gasdigital.com.

You guys get uncensored release, ad-free release, pre-release on all the episodes, and thousands and thousands and thousands of hours of uncensored content, only available at gasdigital.com.

And sign up for my mailing list.

Why not?

Oh, and pre-order my book.

We're talking about books.

I got a book.

I wrote Knives and Spoons.

It's on Amazon.

Comes out right before Christmas.

Right before Christmas.

All right.

Second half of the game.

Monroe, you're probably feeling pretty lousy.

Yo, I feel like I've been lied to my whole life.

In fact, I don't know who's telling the truth.

What I can only assume is one of your cousins is almost thinking about leaving because you're so far out of this game.

Yo.

You want to replace me?

I don't want you to feel that way because let me tell you something.

Monroe, you were once.

He's going to him.

He's going to beat you up again.

He can't ready to beat you up if you lose.

What happened?

You ain't learned, son,

Monroe.

If you swept one round of your story at this point, you could be back in this game.

And you are more than back in this game at any moment.

Because for the final four stories, you probably didn't know this.

We go double points.

Turkey.

How?

Which is, it's look, it's self-explanatory, sure, but just for the rest of the people, you should know that whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point.

If you guessed somebody correctly, you got two points, those both now convert to double points.

Uh-oh, love it.

Got it.

All right.

Well, second half of the game, ready to rock.

It's anybody's game.

Truly, some people probably think that's unfair, but fuck it.

It's not real.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff,

second half, Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

In fifth grade, on the morning of a family member's funeral, I was sat down and told that my uncle was a homosexual.

So,

quote, please don't call things at the funeral gay.

It does look like Scott comes from a bunch of like retired fucking officers, like policemen who would say something like this, hey.

Hey, listen, your uncle Carl was a little light in there.

So

big voice.

Huh.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, this is definitely a scream.

Look at Scott pretending to read it over and over again.

Go back to the tapes.

I've been done reading this shit over and over again.

Yeah, Scott, I'm getting away from you.

I was confused.

That's all.

Scott's got a dead dad.

Imagine it's his dad.

And I'll tell you why.

Let me tell you why.

Good God.

Let me tell you why.

Because...

Why do they think he was going to call things gay in his father's house?

Someone starts crying.

Who picked the gay sound?

Okay, how old was I when my dad died?

Old enough to drive because you got a car.

I remember that from your ass yeah i was 23 and no one had to tell me to not call things gay that's not true

and it says in fifth grade oh in the fifth grade

oh

yeah guys when your father passed away you drove off to that abandoned barn and did a foot loose dance by yourself to just cut jay's coming at me too hard but i go jay

hmm Yeah,

Jay's 47 years old.

This is like in the fifth grade to call things gay.

That's part of Jay's age bracket.

I would have called Monroe colored.

Society showed me the way.

But society showed me the way.

He's a black man.

I mean, Scott.

And I respect the shit out of that.

Scott's from Jersey.

He's got his, you know, family members, cops, firemen, fucking.

That's true.

Everyone's getting killed.

They're all first fucking responder-faced people.

I will say it's weird that they're asking somebody in the.

Were you asked to speak at the funeral?

Yeah.

You were Monroe?

Oh, shit.

Cancer?

I was.

I was.

Yeah.

He goes, I have a few words I'd like to say about Uncle Tone.

Hey.

I think we all know that Carl was a bit of a pickle tickler, but...

I think Monroe would have used down low or something like that, you know?

And Ryan hasn't said a word, and none of us have looked at him.

Everyone in Canada has done gay shit.

It's for heat.

The winters are unbearable.

Also, in Canada, do they call it the fifth grade?

I feel like they would call it something else, right?

Oh, my God.

Like the 5.5-kilometer grade.

My gay uncle wouldn't be invited to the funeral.

He's got a gay uncle.

I don't even have a gay uncle.

Do you have a gay uncle?

Not anymore.

Since that fucker went down with the HIV.

Don't call things at the funeral gay.

What did you say?

Scott, I mean, I know you go on the road with you a lot.

You're very quick to call things gay.

I pulled my dick out one time in a hotel.

Yeah, only when you pull your dick out, yeah.

What do you mean I'm gay?

Ryan Long.

Brian Long is a musician.

He was a wild child, I feel like.

Yeah, he probably thought gay was like

beautiful.

So he got called gay a lot, so he had to call other things gay to deflect from people calling him gay because he's got a pretty good.

I don't think they would, if it was me, they wouldn't even tell me that because they knew it would be wasting their breath.

God stopped because he's gay.

Oh, thanks.

It's Ryan or Scott.

What do you think, Han Turkey?

I do call it gay when people cry, but.

Yeah, I do call things gay, but like, you know.

We all call things gay.

Right, exactly.

So where are we even?

In the fifth grade.

Yo.

Except in a free society.

The guy that fucks my mouth for money, I call him gay all the time.

I call him the F-word.

I mean, as best I can with his cock in my mouth.

It's hard to hit a double G with, Lewis.

It's hard to hit a double G with cock in your mouth.

I just, I was telling you, I didn't want you to.

Because if

they told me my uncle was gay, I'd have to say, unfortunately, I know.

Oh, found that out the hard way four years ago.

Wait, wait, wait, the party, mom.

Scott Japlin is my aunt.

I keep on going after Scott today.

One of these stories has to be him.

I was going to copy you, but you don't know.

Like, look at this.

No one points this out.

What is this?

He's being a fucking worm over here.

Yeah.

It's Lewis or Scott.

I know that for a fact.

And I was hoping to copy Jay, but Jay doesn't have to be there.

I'm thinking it's fucking Ryan now.

God damn it.

I should have fucking wrote the name Ryan down.

Do you this is

a great effort?

Are you saying that to me?

If it's me, we won't go on a pontoon tomorrow.

It's not you.

I'm not going to pontoon tomorrow.

He's going to be dead.

I'm going to have to kill myself on stage tonight.

Someone take my corn tickets.

No, I don't think it's you.

Lewis already had to do that.

Are you trying to do...

Are you...

All right, Scott hasn't had one yet, right?

Nope.

But that doesn't matter.

They all are random.

Yeah, I feel like two of us haven't had one.

There's.

I'm going to go with this, Scott, and I'm going to...

You said Scott, right?

Yeah.

Brother.

Are you trying to throw me Ryan with this nonsense?

Because you want to get way aheader of me because that makes you feel good inside.

A header is not a word, Jay.

Way aheader of you?

Don't.

Can I be honest with you?

If I'm being completely honest, there's part of me.

Fuck, it's Scottish.

Listen, I'm so good at this game that I feel bad about winning, so I kind of hope I'm wrong, but I think I'm right.

Shit.

Let's now.

Wait, can we take?

No, let's take a look at Jay.

You want to take the ride, buddy?

Let's take the ride.

Let's go.

Scotty the hottie.

Ridiculous.

Fuck, is this Jay?

Wait, Monroe.

Monroe, did you already put it in the slot?

Yeah, but no, you can't change it.

I can't change it.

Nope.

He has zero points.

Let him change it.

Look at me in the eye.

Get points.

You can't do the game.

Let the brother have some points.

Oh, fuck it!

All right.

New rule for today.

If you have zero points, you can change your answer.

No,

I'm gonna stick with Jay.

He says, Big Jay, I think.

We're waiting on the money.

That really wasn't a good answer.

If it was Big Jay and then he changed his thing, that was an expert move on your part.

I feel bummed out more that Monroe's going to have zero points again.

If this is Lewis, I'm going to be fucking furious.

I think you'll be Jay.

Oh, if it's me, I'm just going to do it.

If it's Lewis, I'll kill myself by choking on his dick.

I'll have Lewis hold my head on his dick until I can't breathe

and then pass out and die on his penis.

Alex,

whose story was number five?

Story number five belongs to

Scott Chaplin.

yo, it's so scary when it's your story.

Oh my god.

You're like, you keep reading.

I'm like, I have to.

I don't know what else to do.

By the way, Jay was just deflecting.

We played such a bitch.

We play every week, and I'm telling you, that deflecting is great when it's your story.

You go,

Set down.

Dude, I was looking for a pencil in my pocket.

Like, let me tap in, do some math.

You feel like cheating on a test.

Yeah, I was like, you're like, am I a good actor?

Damn.

I can't see from this angle.

I can't see.

It's maneurthyms.

Oh, you can't see what you have.

So I'm like, yeah.

And you were deflecting a lot.

So that's why I was like, it was probably him.

Scott, what happened here?

Whose funeral was this?

So, yeah, when I was in the fifth grade, an uncle of mine passed away.

So the night before the funeral, we were all like, got together.

No, this uncle wasn't gay.

He was the uncle who died.

He died hunting in the woods.

He had a heart attack, right?

So then the night before, we all, the whole family gets together, and I'm just like, calling.

Sure he did.

Sure he did.

Sure he did.

Sure.

Not only wasn't he gay, he was doing the most manly thing ever.

It was with his friend and his friend like ram to get help.

And he was blowing his buddy and their bunker caved in.

And so the night before the funeral, my family got together and and everyone was hanging out.

And I probably said gay like a hundred times that night.

Like we were watching a movie and I was like, this is a gay movie.

I'm not watching this.

Like, you know, with this fucking

uncle.

Those cookies you're making look gay.

And everyone was like, yo, chill, chill.

And then the next morning, my sister was like, my sisters were like, someone's gay in the family.

You got to stop saying that.

And then they were like, dad, tell Scott who's gay in the family.

And then my dad was like, Chair, talk to your son.

And you were like, is it the uncle that keeps sneaking into my room at night?

They're like, no, it actually wasn't.

He's doing that also.

Did you slip up and call anything gay at the funeral?

No, but I realized how many people were gay that day.

From that day on, I had gay dar.

Yeah, I noticed.

I didn't say nothing about calling it queer.

I think we could all agree.

Scott's autobiography, Death is Gay, coming out in November.

Alex, God damn.

Now they got to switch it up.

I gotta watch y'all like this.

Another story, Dan.

Where are our points at?

Don't even mention me.

Oh, it's only right.

It's only right.

Amazingly, still in last place with zero points.

Monrey!

If you ain't first, you laugh.

If you ain't first, you laugh.

Is that who's hitting into the bookshelf?

The bookshelf is going wonky and wacky behind you.

Oh, I think it was me.

All right.

Ghost of Scott's uncle.

Ooh.

Ooh, God.

Nice bookshelf.

Is this restoration hardware or crate and barrel?

I'm a CB2 guy for like other rooms, not my main stuff.

I'd be a good gay uncle.

You'd be a good gay ghost.

Judging all your furniture.

Damn.

Ooh, what is this?

Macy's warehouse?

Alex.

Tied for third place with eight points each.

Big Jay Ogerson and Scott Chaplin.

Yeah.

In second place with 10 points, Ryan Long.

And in the lead with 11 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

The greatest story warrior to ever live.

Oh, damn.

All right, story warriors.

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God damn it.

All right.

Let's get back into it.

Alex, story number six.

Story number six.

A woman once smashed my nuts so hard while dancing that it messed up my testosterone and caused fertility issues.

Is this a fiction story?

I hope you know that's not what messed with your testosterone.

Yeah.

And also, you know, that's not dancing.

It is in Jamaica.

Oh, shit.

I mean, I...

Ryan was in the motherland.

I will say that, Ryan, out of everyone up here, you seem like you have fertility issues.

Very possible.

How would I know?

It's the smashing nuts while dancing.

My brain went to like, oh, got kicked in the dick.

And I'm like, no, dancing.

Who smashes nuts while dancing?

Well, like, they grind.

What?

They have like sex.

I know, because I go, babe, you're not going dancing.

Oh, that's right.

He doesn't see.

Someone grinded up on his balls.

I agree with you.

Yeah.

No, I couldn't see a position in dancing, fast, slow, or otherwise.

Yeah.

Where my nanny is.

Mine's not going to smash.

Well, it's involuntary dancing, and after she says, get away from me, it's a kick in the nuts.

Oh, you think this is possibly like a stripper who just did a lag dance and just I thought it was like one of those white guys, like y'all be kicking him and punching,

right?

Oh, so

Monroe's got big black nuts, one

and a child, and a child.

But he has a child, so maybe there's not fertility issues.

Hardcore dancing.

I have a child, black 22.

That means 22 years I could have gotten my nuts smashed since because I only have one.

But I love cream pies.

Wait, he got one nut?

I know it's not me or Lewis because we already have such high tea that ours isn't in front of me.

That's a great point.

No, I did have low tea.

I did test for that.

That's why I drink potty break coffee.

Pottybrinkcoffee.com.

That's why I give it to my friends while I inject testosterone directly into my ass.

You love it.

I mean, look, dancing, look, I'm out right there and then.

I just don't dance.

You'll never get that.

Not well.

Remember I beat you in that contest?

You just beat me to dance off.

That felt nice.

Yeah, but neither one of us.

Is that what you feel like every week here?

Neither one of us.

Have you ever break danced?

No.

Break danced.

Okay.

Oh, dude.

Lewis break podcasts.

He break fucking.

He break lunch.

Every break dancer.

He pretty much breaks.

Yeah.

He breaks something.

This seems.

I'm getting.

Ryan, you can get sucked into a club by some hot chicks that fucking bounce around you.

You're tall and lanky enough.

You can just hands up behind your thing and let them smash on your nuts i don't go to doctors like that though right

and cause fertility issues though is my concern yeah why would you even know that i would

unless you're unless you're trying to get a chick pregnant and you're like after a while like

i wouldn't call that fertility issues i would call that a solved problem and free birth control

he goes yeah

vasectomy he goes A chick once smashed my nuts while dancing.

I don't need to wear a condom.

She's like, do you have a condom?

So when I was younger, as chick,

you're going Monroe, even though he's got a child.

He had to go because he probably had to work for that child.

Monroe, big balls, got a child.

That's it.

Just in case, I need some points.

No, you don't get points for voting.

Just in case, god damn it.

I need some fucking points.

Jay, you're drawing a cock.

Is that a legal move?

Jay's voting for Ryan

Long Daddy.

What has been?

Some smash nuts.

I thought he admitted it.

Just in case.

Jay not paying attention to anything that's going on in the game right now.

Jay can't get his major.

Monroe, you can.

If this is Monroe, I'll kill myself on this stage.

Yo,

I need some points.

You're about to get some because this asshole doesn't pay attention.

Dope.

Moving forward, guys, you can't both figure this out.

But, Alex, make it official.

Whose story is this?

This story belongs to Monroe Martin.

Okay, okay,

all right.

But if that's true, then why has Ryan not been able to get me pregnant?

Okay, Monroe, tell us this story.

What happened here?

Who are you dancing with?

Where was how long ago was this?

I went to a dance hall club at 21, and some skinny girl, which I don't really fuck with like that, she was dancing with me and was smashing my balls to the point where they were swollen.

They were like swollen, and then it caused varicoseal.

You know what varicoseal is?

Where it's like the fucking veins in your nuts, kind of like.

Why did it get to that?

Because she caused so much trauma that it's like.

But was it trauma with like, here's the thing: one crazy ass

that you'd go, okay, no, no, no, no, she was like, you know, like the dance hall shit where they'd be jumping on you and they'd be spinning and all that shit?

It was that type of shit.

That shit crazy.

Do you remember the song?

Nigga, my stomach was hurting.

It was like elephant.

I got the right temper cha-ta-ta-ta-ding.

Every week you spell something with the exact same motion.

Was it Since I keys to my Bima?

It was at the...

You remember the Lions then near Temple?

It was there.

He knows it.

It's a fucking I do know that.

It's like in the middle.

It's just like a basement.

They just play music.

There's no like lights.

No laws.

No law.

Nothing.

No real beer.

It's not malted.

No chicks.

Just fun.

And how did you find out that you had fertility?

You try to get your wife pregnant?

Yeah, and then they were like, oh, you have varical cell and it causes your testosterone to drop.

So I had to get surgery that boosted my test, like over time.

You got body brain surgery, huh?

What is it called?

Lewis's coffee that makes your nuts nice.

Oh, oh.

Turkey sales.

Turkey.

Makes your nuts.

Body brain coffee.

Six stories down.

We got two more stories.

Alex, give us our points.

Do I get points for voting for me, though?

No, you don't, but you get votes for you.

God damn it.

You got votes because I wasn't paying attention.

Yeah.

Because I wanted to draw Ryan's dick in nuts.

Alex,

I chose funny.

In last place.

Don't say it.

But now with two points.

Can a skinny girl come

together now?

now?

Alex

in fourth place with eight points, Big Jay Ogerson

in third place with twelve points, Scott Chaplin

in second place with 14 points, Ryan Long.

And in the lead with 15 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

I'm right there.

You are.

I mean, truly anybody's game.

And remember, you would have only gotten one point in that last round, but because of double points,

Got two points.

Thank you.

Turkey.

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

A family member lost an eye after shooting themselves in the face.

Their glass eye remains in my possession since their passing.

If this was Lewis, I would have already put this thing in my mouth.

This is a crazy canal thing.

My butt mouth.

Num, num, num.

This seems like a Canadian problem.

Everyone's got a fucking gun.

Everyone's shooting some guns.

It seems like a cleaning a gun thing.

And I go, oh, Canadians just, that's probably a job they have.

Yeah.

Yeah, here in America, we just have gay uncles.

We fucking

out here.

That's different in Canada.

Since they're passing, who took the glass?

Who would want the glass eye?

Went on to be Monroe's second testicle.

Now a proud father, but now a proud father.

Huh.

Could this be Scott or Ryan, I got a feeling.

There's no guns in where I'm from.

Yeah, that's racism.

Just because of...

What happened today, okay?

It doesn't mean it's white.

There's no guns where you come from.

It's where guns are from.

Look it up.

Yeah, they all have guns in Canada.

They have rifles in Canada.

There's no handguns in Canada.

Yeah, it's also said.

I didn't grow up.

The man didn't die, so it was like a fucking pellet gun or something.

You were shooting squirrels to make hats up there or something.

This is a wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia trash store.

But I don't know.

Actually, Ryan, did you grow up like, were you

broke?

No, middle class, yeah.

Okay.

If they say middle class, they were rich.

I have a feeling he's rich.

Yeah.

And he said middle school.

But what if it was suicide attempted?

No.

I'll tell you what we didn't grow up shooting guns in our face.

Not you, but maybe you're a stupid ass fucking family member.

Fucking children.

I mean, Scott.

A lot of family members

in the police force.

They all have guns.

Yeah, that's a fact, yeah.

Scott's got a lot of tragedy to him.

I can see this being a Scott Chaplin fucking tragic story.

I so get that.

I don't know why you guys aren't making fun of me like you have been

and writing my name down very quickly.

Apologies.

Apologies.

Ah, fuck.

Scott's like, I don't have a good argument against me.

No, I don't, but

I'm trying to think of a good argument against me, which would be, yeah, I don't know.

I'm going to say this.

Looks more of a gunplays, Jersey, or Philly.

If this was Louis Philly,

if this is Lewis, honestly, he's making the story up.

He's a liar.

But also, why not me, though?

When stories that they're heard before,

I go, you're making it up.

Left unsupervised?

But you wouldn't be left something, you know?

Like, if you're fucking no one, you know?

Okay.

You would show up to the fucking will reading and fucking take your glass eye.

Okay.

Oh, I got nothing?

Give me the eye.

Anybody want that eye?

Well, give it over.

Where I come and repay our debts.

I don't see

self-in-the-face bite.

Doesn't mean something like that.

Isn't that like currently, like, do they do do glass eyes?

Okay.

They still do glass eyes?

I would assume they're new material now.

Yeah.

If you've never shown me a fucking glass eye that you have,

then I don't know you.

You didn't even know he had Tourette's.

Right.

He's right.

I never took the time to find out.

I've been a bad friend.

I feel like this sounds like a Scott story, but I could see Ryan being I feel like Scott right now.

I'm bad at defending myself.

Wait, Ryan, you also have a tattoo of his eye.

Ryan's got like a cool guy.

I'm dark, and I'll have some fun, fucking cool things in my house.

Also, I think that's probably.

You want to see my glass eye?

Dude, Ryan, you made a music video where he's singing to the eye.

It's inside the tarantula tank.

I've never shown this to another girl.

It's in a ring case.

Yeah.

He meant the world to me.

Uncle Gus?

I'm getting the voting going.

Go for it.

I'm going with Ryan.

I'm going different than you.

Lewis, pitch me why this isn't Jay.

Because honestly, the only reason I don't think it's Jay is because if he had a family member's glass eye, I genuinely feel like I would know about it.

It would have been up one of our butts on the show by now.

You have a story over there.

Wait, it only counts if I put it up here.

Oh, yeah, once you put your head in, take your hand away.

It's official.

Okay.

My vote is for Scott.

Let it be known.

Scott, the eye chaplain.

Yeah,

that's how I played it.

No.

Nuh-uh.

It was you, Lewis.

Alex.

Story number seven belongs to

Scott Chappell.

I didn't even get points, and I'm so happy it wasn't you.

That was a win for me.

Talk to me about

This family member.

Was he the same person that you were speaking at their funeral?

No, no, no, this is another person.

Oh, is this Uncle Faggot?

Yeah, it was cum.

Anyway.

Shot a load in this face.

That's where the dicks go now.

The gay shit that that eye saw.

The memories inside of that thing.

Arabian goggles gone wrong.

Yeah, when my grandfather was a kid he was shooting like a bb gun and then it it didn't go off so he looked at it and he shot him and it went off in his face and then he didn't tell his parents for like two days because he was nervous so they couldn't save the eye

and then when he died wait a minute

No, don't fuck it up.

He wouldn't.

Oh my god.

Yo.

No!

I pulled another kill, Tony.

That's wild.

You carry it on you at all times?

Yeah, it's a little bloodshot, too, so it's like,

we're definitely ready.

You carry it on you at all times.

No, I brought it here for this.

It's usually on my desk at home.

Actually, you know what?

Damn.

He goes, Where's my phone?

He goes, Oh, no.

All right, that's my glass eye.

Yeah, yeah, hold on, let me take down your number.

He just had to stop by the pawn shop on the way here.

By the way, it was to re-pick it up.

He'd already sold it to the pawn shop.

He's like, Oh shit, I need that.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, in last place with two points, Monroe Martin.

Shake and bank.

Just saying catchphrases.

This we can turn it around.

In fourth place with eight points, big Jay Okerson.

Stagnant.

Stagnant.

In third place with 16 points, Scott Chaplin.

In second place with 18 points, Ryan Long.

And in the lead with 19 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Holding on to that lead, baby.

It is

hopeless for me and Monroe, but

Lewis.

Giant Killer.

Listen, you could always play Giant Giant Killer.

Yeah.

But Lewis, Ryan, and Scott are vying desperately for How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety by the American Associate of Patriots.

How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety is a satirical and deeply humorous guide presented in a serious tone by the fictional American Association of Patriots that teaches cat owners how to have difficult conversations with their pets about topics ranging from gun safety to abstinence, online predators, and other dangers that threaten their nine lives.

Do we keep it?

Does it stay?

It's anybody's game still.

Alex, our final story, story number eight.

Story number eight.

My friend's dad used to force me to race him around the block and made his two sons watch and cheer.

I never won once,

and he would celebrate every time.

This feels like poor Monroe brought out to the suburbs for foster care,

and he was a chubby kid, and his fucking white, fucking foster dad would just beat him in athletics all the time and go, Look at that fucking black kid I adopted, doesn't even

dunk.

I'm raining threes on this asshole.

He can take our pool, but he can never take our trampoline.

That's my son.

We jumped his ass last night.

Showed him what was what.

I will say, Jay started coming out the gate very like,

and also Jay's slow, so he can't win a race.

I know that, and I wouldn't have accepted the fucking race.

Says in the language that you had no choice.

Dude, no friend's dad forced me to do anything.

I wanted to be malicious.

Yeah, mine either.

It was my fault for what I was wearing.

That's right.

That's right, ladies.

I'll take responsibility.

I was dressed like a slut, and I was drinking too much.

And I had it coming to me.

I just think, so I would say, my instinct initially said Ryan, but I just feel like Ryan's.

Winner takes grandfather's eye.

Ryan's like a lanky, like,

athletic dude.

I feel like you could beat an old man in a race.

I'd crush an old man in a race.

But he never won, though.

No, that's what I'm saying.

It says he never won, so I feel like it couldn't be Ryan, but maybe it could be.

I think the friend's dad in Canada, you get arrested for bullying a kid like that, right?

That's true.

Probably.

Yeah,

fuck.

I want to go with Monroe.

It does seem like Monroe, he does have the most tumultuous childhood.

He made his two sons watch and cheer.

He's so fucked up.

There's a weird lesson happening there.

Dude, this is Monroe's fucking origin story.

Poor Monroe, every story makes me feel worse and worse about his life.

You're such a great guy for all these things that have happened to you.

Hey, you're not the sum of your traumas, dude.

You're not that.

You're better than all that.

But for that reason, for sure, this is Monroe being tortured by white people pretending to be nice for a change.

Can I?

Monroe, if I ever invite you over to my house, you're going to make me race?

No, I just want you there.

No,

I'll let you know.

I just want you there.

I don't want to jump you with my friends.

I don't want to humiliate you in athletics in any way.

I just wanted you to hang out with me.

I appreciate it.

Jay is saying a lot of words right now.

This is a comedy show, and I'm trying to bring the oomph.

No,

I feel like Jay is just trying to get people to vote for Monroe right now.

This feels like he's just going.

This would be a core, every day I'd bring it up.

I'd go, I don't know, dude, I've been fucked up ever since that guy used to make his kids cheer while he beat me in racing as a player.

Have at it.

I hope you lose.

Don't say me, Scott.

I feel like Jay.

Pete Lewis.

I'm telling you, take this book out of my life.

I want the last thing I see before I have to, I believe, kill myself on this stage tonight.

I'll say, like, if you guys, I'm voting for Big J, if you want to play the game, the reality is, if you vote for Big J as well, there's no way you could win.

Because I'm a point ahead of you.

It's not me.

Okay, I got them.

Say that again.

I'm one point ahead of you.

So if you vote for Big J as well, there's no, and it is Big J, there's no way you win.

Yeah, why'd you tell me that?

Good point.

Lewis loves explaining math to whites.

Makes him feel white.

Also, more importantly.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-oh.

What's going on over here?

Because you wouldn't be telling me to change my vote if it was you.

That wouldn't make sense.

That's also true.

Oh, shit, Scott.

Fuck.

Who would you say?

I said you.

Oh, this might be Scott.

Think it's Scott?

Two fucking stories in a row in the last round?

That'd be crazy.

Would that be in a row?

Yeah, it would be.

The last one was Scott.

Glass eye.

Oh, then Monroe.

I mean,

you fucking Scott's changed his answer three times.

You're going to have to get a comment off your butt there.

Mom, I mean,

Scott, I mean, all

it's Monroe.

Yeah, why didn't you write anything down?

Scott's, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Damn it.

It's hard to say the same white story.

It's Monroe.

You can't beat Scott.

That's how I felt.

Yeah.

But then I've got to be right, though.

That matters the most.

That's also true.

It does.

That's the pride you walk home with.

Monroe, don't write your own name.

Just you, you psycho.

Monroe putting his vote down for Big Jay Ogerson.

Is it final?

His final answer, Big Jay Ogerson.

Because he hasn't had a story yet.

Yeah, I have.

Yeah?

Did he?

No, you have.

My story was,

oh, we had a good time with it.

No, you didn't.

The phone, yeah, yeah, we did.

The phone.

The phone.

Looking for my phone.

Oh, okay, shit.

Yelling at friends.

Alex, Alex, all of our answers are in.

This is our final story.

It's probably Lewis.

Whose story is it?

The final story belongs to

Ryan Long.

He got a perfect score in the first round, perfect score in the last round.

It's because we're not at the stand anymore, so I'm not fucking high out of my mind.

That's right, we can't smoke here.

Uh, tell us the story: what happened?

Who was this abusive father that made you do this?

So, there's two parts: one is I won, like, some you know, the 1500 or whatever for my region, and I was running.

And then, so he got wind of that and then forced me to race him.

And then, who was it?

John Candy?

My buddies, two of my buddies, his dad's he went to jail.

Turns out he was like crazy Cokehead, so he was just on Coke the entire time,

forcing eight-year-olds to race.

And the bass player of Nickelback.

Wow.

Wow, Ryan.

I mean, I already.

Fresh out of jail, coked out of his mind.

This is my block.

By beating kids in foot races is hilarious.

And it wasn't just that, like anything.

Someone would be like, I'm good at yo-yoing.

He'd be like, I'll fuck a show-you know, yo-yo.

Like,

here's my girlfriend.

You think?

I'm going to take your bitch.

Yo, Steve, your dad sucks.

I just got hair on my balls.

You want to see fucking hair?

Yeah.

Look at this.

Look at this thatch.

It's a thatch.

I mean, I already, I did the math on this, so I know who won, but Alex, why don't we make it official after eight stories?

Where are our points?

All right.

In last place.

Woo!

With the official.

Can I say?

With the official new

lowest score in Starring Wars history

with two points from Roe Martin?

Your cousin left

your cousin left before he could see your victor, your victory.

He's back.

Yeah!

What up, cuz?

D-E-I,

D-E-I,

D-E-I,

D-E-I.

You know what's going on?

You know what I'm saying?

Can we pull out the I when he says the I?

D-E-I.

We've never had anybody get zero points.

And Monroe, you would have been our first zero-point guy had Jay been simply paying attention.

If I stop drawing Ryan's beautiful cock from memory,

I almost wrecked that like five, dude, like five times.

I was like, why is he doing that?

Lewis is like, shut the fuck up.

I go, why would I shut up?

Ryan tried to warn you three times, and I was like, I was busy creating.

Well, you're down here.

You're down here like, the balls aren't nice enough.

They weren't.

I picture you have beautiful balls.

Sorry.

Alex, I want to apologize for that.

Continue with our points.

In fourth place with eight points, Big Jay Ogerson.

In third place with 16 points, Scott Chaplin.

Second place scored 19 points.

And your winner tonight with 26 points, Ryan Long.

Wow, whoa!

Sun Seema, who got the keys to Mabima?

Alex.

That's got to be pushing one of the top scores ever.

It's close.

Stutter from the bottom now we're here.

Ryan Long, you are America's newest story warrior.

Do you want to.

You've now gained a very specific ability.

Would you like to flex that real quick?

Speech, speech.

No, no, you know what you can say.

What's the ability?

No, only story warriors can say.

I thought it was over.

No, it's over, but

for next, just I can say it.

You can just trigger it.

Oh, goddamn.

Should I take my shirt off?

Please.

Double points.

Ryan, welcome to the family.

Welcome to the family of story warriors.

Everyone makes a noise for Ryan.

You're no story warrior.

What a show.

I just want to say that my win is all of your win.

Yeah.

And everybody, a big round of applause for everybody up on this panel, everyone.

Monroe Martin,

Scott Chaplin,

of course, you know, Story Warrior, Ryan Long.

For Story Wars, everybody, I'm Big Jay Oakerson.

I'm the Puerto Rico Rider.

I'll take Luis J.

Gomez.

Catch you next time.

Until then, peace.