059. Ron Bennington, Ian Fidance, & LeMaire Lee | Neighbors

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Merch is available right now at storywarsmerch.com.

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Ogerson, and Lewis, Jay Come.

What is up, New York City?

Welcome to Story Wars at our new home, the New York Comedy Club.

Make some fucking noise in here tonight, please, will you?

Let's go.

Let's go.

It's the holiday week.

It's our first not sold-out show.

It's back to school week, dude.

It's a fucking roughie.

It's fine.

Summer's over.

It's just that section over there.

It's fine.

We're going to pretend that didn't happen.

That's where the assholes go anyway.

Yeah, we don't like those people.

We've been known that.

Welcome to Story Wars, everybody.

We always ask this before we play any of these games.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

Yes!

And how many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

Dude, he fucking...

Dude, he just sold him out.

He was like, this asshole right here.

He was waving his hand.

Him.

This guy's an asshole.

It is a very, very easy game and very fun.

We'll get our competitors up here and then we will explain the show for those of you who are unaware.

Our first competitor coming to the stage, everybody.

You know I'm from the Panties in the Mouth podcast.

Make some noise for the hilarious LeMare Lee.

LeMaire, very happy to have you on Story Wars.

It is your first time competing, right?

Yes.

And he's hungry.

I'm here to win, Lewis.

I know you are.

Your competition tonight, returning Story Wars player.

You know him from the Being Ian with podcast with Jordan.

Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for Ian Finance.

Ian, did you get LASIK or did a bully take your glasses?

I did Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu today and I wore contacts.

Oh, I thought maybe a guy choked your vision back.

I can see.

And also, he didn't do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

He had sex with a man.

Yeah.

I had

Brazilian.

So

he was a Jew.

So it was great.

It worked out.

Last but not least, our final competitor, first time here on Story Awards, it is our honor.

He's a broadcasting legend from Bennington on SiriusXM.

How about it for the hilarious Ron Bennington in the house?

Ronnie B, thank you for being here with us, my man.

What a pleasure.

I'll be playing for the Epstein Victims.

Seems to be in the news a little bit.

That's an easy way to get people on your side.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Yeah, we never choose people to play for it.

That was so stupid of us.

Thank you all for being here.

I will now explain the game for those of you listening at home for the first time, or anybody here who is unaware.

It's a very simple game.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis?

Neighbors.

Ooh.

He's right here.

Alex.

Neighbors.

Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time.

It'll appear here on the screen for you.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody else that it's not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And for every person you fool, you get one point on the panel.

So if it's your story, you can win up to four points.

Every time you guess the story correctly, it is two points.

once you write the name of the person you're voting for and put it in this little slot right here and remove your hand that is it that is your final answer you can't change it and i'll tell you right now this game is so much fun we always have a ton of fun but we don't play for fun jay let them know what we're playing for today every week here on story wars everyone is competing for a book from our story wars library tonight's winner goes home with the art of war by son tzu

Sun Tzu's The Art of War is a foundational text on strategy and psychological warfare, providing a framework for leaders to achieve success through careful planning rather than brute force.

For instance, chapter 13, the use of spies and the crucial role of intelligence gathering in a successful military camp.

Yeah!

Sun Tzu.

I want to keep it here in-house, Lewis.

Well, listen, it's one of my favorite books.

I've read it many and many times.

It's honestly why I'm so good at Story Wars.

It does.

It's the art of Story Wars.

I did feel like it was going to be a thicker book.

Very simple.

It's a picture book.

I like that it's that small.

I like that.

I like a short book.

Is it always this small?

It's actually, it's in Japanese.

No, it's not, but it's like it's poems.

It's poems?

No.

It is in Japanese, you idiot.

Look.

It's very simple.

Numbers are not in this issue.

It is a question of not attacking too aggressively.

It says aggressively.

Concentrate.

You must have stretched out why the island is a hut.

No mercy.

Enemy deserve no mercy.

No can defend.

That's chapter three.

Chapter three, no can defend.

Crane kick exclusively.

Does everybody here understand this game?

I think if they're going to get it, they're going to get it.

So I think this crowd's ready for war?

I don't think they are, Jay.

Is this crowd ready for war?

Alexandra, with no further ado, story number one.

Story number one.

I watched my pregnant 12-year-old neighbor play double Dutch at 3 a.m.

Well, this does reek of black guy.

Double Dutch, pregnant, 12, 3 a.m.

So much happening here.

I know, that's a lot.

I think it's Lewis, though.

This sounds like a Lewis story.

I mean, it kind of does.

Puerto Rican is pretty close to black.

I would argue.

If it's not you, it is Lewis.

You realize for sure.

Double Dutch at 3 a.m.

I mean, this is...

That's the hood.

That only happens in the hood.

I did a little double Dutch in my life.

But you also grew up in the hood.

I grew up in the hood.

He grew up in the hood.

Ian's from Delaware.

Delaware is kind of the hood sometimes.

That's also true.

There is some hood in Delaware.

I think it's Ron.

I think it's Ron because Ronnie grew up in Marcus Hook, which is a bad, bad area.

It's not true.

What?

I went to elementary school there, but I'm a Twin Oaks boy.

I'm Upper Chichester.

Well, I didn't know we were with royalty.

Yeah, so sorry.

I'll just say this.

We had yards.

Nice.

Deal with it, Louis.

How's that sound?

But also, Ron is from a generation where being pregnant at 12 was kind of the norm.

Yeah.

Well, it was only if it was by her 35-year-old husband.

Yeah.

She was married to Elvis, I think.

This, I mean, I feel like I'm really dicking around here trying to stretch before I write down the words Le Maire.

I believe that's two words, by the way.

Also,

how is it spelt?

I'm just going to put LM down for you.

You'll know.

I think there's an apostrophe and a semicolon.

Mom got it from Family Feud.

LeMaire, you are black, but you're also one of the nerdiest, sweetest.

Like, you're not like a ghetto black guy.

Did you grow up in the hood?

Did I grow?

I was born in Detroit.

What?

You're one of them nice sweet blacks.

I'll say, I'll say.

You ain't.

I reckon you're good enough to come inside.

I ain't never.

I ain't never heard you be loud

or nothing.

Oh, my God.

LeMaire, I'm guessing Haitian background.

Do you have a Haitian background?

No, I was born in Detroit.

My mom got my name from Family Feud.

She saw the LeMaire family on there and was like, that's it.

she took a family's last name dude it's Le Maire it's it's him it's God it's LeMaire

show me who watched their pregnant neighbor dude double dutch

I'm still going Lewis

why do you why do you think it's me because you have to vote for somebody besides yourself

you did force me to I mean I don't know the

somebody with a stabbed parent, that's kind of hoodish, you know?

No, it's very, I was born in Patterson, New Jersey.

I grew up in West Havershire, New York, which is kind of hood.

And look, I don't know.

My best friend was a white kid named Forrest.

You and Forrest making it through the mean streets of Rockland?

Shut up.

It's nonsense.

But you are trash, and you may have watched these things happen before.

I mean, look, look, I'll get the voting going.

People always accuse me of voting last.

They think I'm cheating.

I'm very good at the show.

There's a whole thing on Reddit.

They're like, dude, Louis' got to stop playing.

He's too good.

I will never stop playing.

I'm the fucking Story Wars champion, the ultimate story warrior, and I'm going to go for broke every time.

I will never hold back.

I know that this is Le Merly.

Why are you making it like you were going to pull some crazy thing out of your ass?

We've all described exactly why it's 100% Le Maire.

I'll go first so you see that I'm the one.

You are a crazy asshole.

I think I spelled this right.

boom i'm sticking to my guns why

why did you why did why did you write it as tiny as your teeth

understand

what that is

i thought he needed space i don't know

you're an eight-point font

yeah yeah you didn't even write it confidently you were to zoom in on the video of this it's gonna i'm happy you did that lemaire because this is what Lewis.

Lewis, he lets me fucking lead the charge on how it's somebody else, and everybody goes there.

And then Lewis steals a bunch of points.

Yeah.

He's a piece of shit, so you did a good thing.

I am going with Ronald Bennington.

Ooh, that's kind of a good one.

That was my second choice.

Maybe.

I'm going with LM

or Lim.

Lemmer Lee.

His last name's not Mayor.

Isn't it, though?

Yeah.

It might as well be.

Alex, all of our answers are in who does story number one belong to?

Story number one belongs to

Lemairely.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Le Mare, I mean, could you have written a more black story?

Jesus Christ.

I tried not to.

I tried tried to

I don't know my dad and I love fried chicken all right

obviously Jesus Christ

on the nose

LeMaire did you watch the whole thing or just till you come

this happened when I was a kid and uh yeah it was we were just hanging out how old were you I was probably like 10.

We were on the porch.

And you saw her and then you were like, oh shit, she fucks.

Let's go.

my mom was like stay away from that fast ass little girl that's what she was saying yeah mama she's pregnant

3 a.m and he's on the front porch watching a kid across the street yeah

this is why we've canceled dei it's not my thing but

it's set for life at that point oh yeah i just realized that lemaire looks exactly like the grown-up version of the little chubby black kid from Hook that rolled and made himself into a ball.

You remember that little kid?

Oh my god!

And it's and instead of eating made-up food, he eats real food.

Whoa!

The kid was adorable.

He was adorable.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with zero points, Ian Fidance.

Yeah.

I'll come back

in fourth place with one point, LeMer Lee.

Wait, how did he get a point?

You because you voted for Ron.

Oh, you got him the point.

You got nothing and gave everything.

And tied for the lead with two points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, and Ron Bennington.

All right.

Feels good.

That's a good start.

Yeah.

Well, this was a fun game.

Thanks for having us all here.

Rob, there's hours more of this.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

I kicked down the door to my neighbor's apartment during a party to choke her boyfriend for talking shit.

I blacked out in anger, and when I came to, a family member was pulling me off of him while screaming that I was a good boy.

Well,

again, this slaps of Lewis, obviously, but let me say, I'm a couple places here where this is not Lewis.

If Lewis even had a family member, which he has none.

I have.

I have multiple family members.

And the reason they wouldn't put, most of them aren't around anymore because they wouldn't pull anybody off anybody.

Do you know what I mean?

They're like, good idea, Lewis.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is.

Dare I say not Lewis?

Ooh, this has bit me before.

It bit you before.

No, no, that was LeMaire, actually.

This is very Ian-coded.

Yes.

Yeah, Ian's a little of a fucking lunatic.

He's punk rock.

He's Ska.

Ska makes you rageful.

It's such shitty music that it fucking...

It turns you into a fucking lunatic.

You kicked in a door, you choked her boyfriend, then you kissed him.

Then you blacked out.

Family members come everywhere.

And you were a good boy.

You are a good boy.

Thank you.

And you're a good boy.

I think,

I don't know.

I'm between Lewis and Ron.

You're between Le Maire and Ron.

Seriously, that was good.

I'm not going to say who yet.

You don't have to, please.

What do you think, though?

Why are you thinking it is me or Ron?

Well, you're trash.

Okay.

So this seems like...

Doesn't hurt.

Seems like something that would happen in the mean streets of Rockland County.

That's true.

You know, he was saying you didn't do a good job managing a KFC.

You went over to beat the shit out of them.

You know, kind of makes sense.

Was a 20-somethings Ron this possibly wild?

I mean, I couldn't see this kicking in a door to.

Yeah, Ron used to do angel dust.

Oh.

Yeah, Ron used to be an actual problem.

You know, I thought that in the meetings, that could be a safe place to talk to.

Yeah, I mean, Ron is doing a little self-soothing right now.

I feel like he's hiding something.

Well, here's what I'm doing.

I'm trying to...

Because now if I think it's Ian, I'm trying to find a clue somewhere in his tattoos.

You know how they always have a story for everything.

Blacked out in anger and came to...

It wasn't a blackout in alcohol, but it must have been a...

I'm imagining a big party.

Everyone's getting fucked up, but this just seems like...

Ian.

Lemaire's a sweet boy.

Lewis, I don't think you would like blackout in anger.

I can see you getting really mad, but then if something bad was about to happen, you're like, yo, yo, doggy, watch out.

You know?

No, I don't black out in anger.

He browns out.

No, when I get angry, it wakes me up.

I'm in my highest form when I'm angry.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's no blackout.

Well, was it Jay?

Jay.

We're avoiding Jay.

I understand.

Here's the problem.

Jay's new fucking boys to men look is throwing everyone off.

Jay is a violent animal.

I've watched Jay Jay physically attack people.

Oh, would a violent animal be able to do this?

Doom, doom, doom, da-da.

Doom-dum-da.

Da-ya-ya-ya.

Dad-da.

That was beautiful.

Is that this guy?

Is that the guy from the story?

It doesn't seem like it is.

Jay's got a lot of anger,

you know, and it looks he has family members.

Watch your mouth, dude.

Dude.

Yo, pick your next words careful.

Blackhead anger

during a party.

Okay, it is a party.

Okay.

I'm getting Ian or Jay vibes.

Ian, defend yourself.

Why isn't this you?

Yeah, I think it's Ian.

Jay's not a party guy.

Right.

Not into it and was never invited.

Are those coincidences?

I don't know.

Yeah, but when Jay was younger, he could have been a party guy.

Yeah.

No, that's when I would have been, but that's when they didn't invite me.

Now they invite me i'm not a party guy so it's i'm thinking jay got like bullied for being overweight and he was a kid and went over and just got angry and tackled someone that's what i think

i did uh sometimes get like fat rage you know you were hungry my grandmother would give she would go she goes if those kids keep saying those things go out there and she would say go sit on them

go take a move

like just with my arms folded i guess in some way she was picturing it.

You're the Yokozuna of Northeast Philly.

Go get him.

She was saying it to make me feel better for sure, but like.

How would that make you feel better?

Hey, you know how you're abnormally large?

Use it.

Yeah.

Fall on him if you're so fat, they say.

Yeah, I mean, Ian's got a wild side to him.

Yeah, no, he's in the hardcore music scene.

Why are we kidding ourselves?

We know it's Lewis.

Why are we having this kind of Ronnie, I'll tell you right now.

Here's the thing: I do a prank to my friends when I see them on the streets of New York if they know it's not me.

And I go up to them and I put my head down in their armpit, and then I just start to push like that while they're screaming like no-no.

And I saw Lewis in front of the pizza place, and I started to head in, and then I went, what the fuck am I doing?

He dreams of something like this every night of his life.

Do you know a prank I've been doing to friends?

He's always got his eyes open for a problem.

You know what's a real fun prank I've been doing lately is going up to a friend in public and taking my phone out and going, this guy's here to meet a kid.

I like a prank.

I like that a lot.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude.

I like that a lot.

I did it to my buddy in the bathroom and we're going to ask you to go.

You're in a Walmart dude.

Grocery store, Walmart.

That's where they catch him all.

It's better not to do it to a friend, just a stranger.

I'm stealing this prank.

Do it.

It's the best.

I did it to my buddy last week.

We saw Blink 182 in Florida and it was in the bathroom.

He got jumped by a bunch of people.

And I go, this guy's here to meet a kid.

He goes, no, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

That sounds guilty.

Yeah, because

you're all adults at a Blink 182 concept.

You're all there to meet children.

But it's like, literally,

the only reaction to that is to say the things that the pedophiles are saying.

Yeah.

That's just somewhat different.

That's not even my screen name.

I just wanted to give them guidance.

No one's going to tell them that this is dangerous and they shouldn't do this.

Thank God for you, it's me.

We got to get some voting going.

You already wrote somebody down, Linda.

You want to get the voting going?

That was a good distractionary anecdote, Ian, but you are my fucking guy.

I think Ian.

Wow.

I think

Ian.

I'm going Lewis.

I'm going obvious choice Lewis.

Everyone Everyone picks Lewis as just really.

I'm going Ian.

Even though part of me thinks it could be Jay, it could be Ron.

It could be LeMay.

Are you going to let go?

All of our answers are in.

Alex.

Fuck.

Story number two belongs to

Ian Fiday.

It was me.

Yes.

Yes, it was me.

When was this, Ian?

This was 2009, 2010.

Quick 22 concert.

I just got out of the hospital, and my mom was bringing me to my apartment to get my stuff because I had to go away for a while.

And I went to my neighbor.

I asked my neighbor, Jess, if she'd watch my cat, and her boyfriend was in the living room.

He's like, fuck you.

He's a piece of shit, drunk.

And I just kicked the door in, and I blacked out.

And I came to and I was choking him.

and my everybody was screaming and my mom pulled me off him and goes, my son is a good boy.

So obvious now.

Why were you going to, where were you being sent away to?

You're being committed?

Detox.

I had to go to detox.

You were sitting there.

And then I had to go to an outpatient rehab.

Wow.

Yeah.

Were you there?

It's your sponsor.

He's your sponsor, Chris.

We brought him here.

Sorry, I haven't been calling you.

I'm scared of doing my fourth step.

Yeah, so yeah.

And then once I got to the fucking, because they took me in, and I was too drunk, so they had to take me to the hospital.

And I pulled my IV bag out and sprayed blood all over the nurses and spiked it like a football.

I just kept screaming like, what are you, the Joker?

What the fuck is that?

Why?

So serious?

Well, I was pissed because I was like, look, if you just give me vodka, I'll feel better and leave you alone.

And then they had to strap me down and put a spit mask on me.

And then my mom had to pick me up.

And then I had to, because they wouldn't let me in the...

Was she still calling you a good boy at this point?

Because she was wrong.

Your mom was wrong.

Yeah, my mom was a good boy.

You're in the cell blowing a guy and stabbing another guy.

No, this is not him.

This is the vodka.

Yep.

10 years sober.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Ain't fighting.

10 years sober.

And funnily enough, that guy that I choked, dead now.

Ian wins again.

He had a crushed larynx he never quite recovered from.

He was allergic to cats.

Alex, we have two stories down.

Where are our points after two stories?

All right.

In last place with one point, Ian Fidance.

In fourth place with two points, Ron Bennington.

In third place with three points, LeMaire Lee.

And tied for the lead with four points each.

Louis J.

Gomez and Big Jay Ogerson.

Turkey.

Turkey.

Hey, guys, even though I lost, it was fun to come here tonight.

No problem.

If you don't understand, there's a few more of these.

All right.

Alex,

story number three.

Story number three.

The first time I saw a dead body was my neighbor being dragged from his home after a heart attack.

I was seven, and my mother woke me up to watch.

Lewis,

how old were you when your father was stabbed at the body?

Come on, dude.

No.

Come on, dude.

How old were you when he was struck down like a Jedi?

Four years old.

Four?

Yes.

So that was the first time I saw a dead body, so you know it's not.

You didn't see that body.

I mean, I was at his funeral.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Did you kiss him and cry and they had to pull you off with him?

But it was a Puerto Rican funeral.

They had him up in a chair smoking a cigarette.

Oh, yeah, dude.

They involved him like this, giving like gang symbols.

Your dad was the best.

I think this is a Ron story.

This feels like a Ron.

It could be Lewis, but I don't think his mother could wake up.

She was on here.

I don't know.

There's a few things that'll perk up even a junkie, and that's a dead body in the neighborhood.

And you're going to wake up your boy, your only friend.

She was competing with Lewis's sister for who was the hottest in the house.

So she had to.

Iron was her boy.

When's the first time you saw a dead body?

Again, it was a relative.

It was like three or four forced to kiss a dead body in a casket, the Irish Catholic way.

Thank God you added in a casket.

That happened at seven, the other thing that you're talking about.

I mean to me, this is a J story 100%

because it's so passive.

You know what I mean?

Somebody had to call him in.

My mom wouldn't wake me up for this.

My mom knew My mom's, my young life was, her life was marred by me, her allowing allowing me, because she was a young mom, to watch like terrifying movies when I was way young.

So she'd think you'd enjoy it?

No.

No.

What she knew was, that means every night when she was in her room trying to be 22 and fucking flicking bean or fucking some guy,

all of a sudden her fat little pajama son would be trying to not make the floor squeak to sneak into her room.

So she wouldn't wake me up to see something that would keep me up in the middle of the night.

But you're allowed to lie on this show.

So that could be a lot of fun.

That was elaborate, though.

That's a big around of that.

That was so elaborate that you know it was a lie.

He's gone.

I will say, this does.

Because Jay, when he was a little kid, he was like a fat little mama's boy.

And I can see your mom being like, Jay, you got to come see this.

No way.

Jay's going to be like, Jay.

He's dead.

Is his ghost here?

That's what my mom knows I was.

Mom, is that cream soda coming out of his mouth?

Does this dead guy mean I can't have sugary cereals?

This is the saddest show that I've ever heard in my life.

It's horrifying.

Le Maire.

And by the way, all the stories are randomly picked.

So

it could be Ian twice in a row.

It could be Le Maire again.

Yeah, I was thinking it might be Ian twice in a row, but I don't know.

Ian's not showing the same symptoms of being

questioned as before.

What was your little break?

What were we saying?

Ian, what was your relationship with your mother?

It was good.

This isn't about me, Jay.

Why don't you think she were a good boy?

Does a good boy deserve to watch a dead body at Carter?

This good boy saw dead bodies way before seven.

Really?

Explain, please?

That seems uncomfortable.

Just like a lot of relatives died.

Oh, like at funeral homes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought you were saying like in the mean streets.

Like, where were we going to fucking Sarajevo?

I'm getting major Big J vibes.

And I see him writing my name now, which I've never.

Oh, I wonder why you got my vibes since I wrote your name down.

That's a smart move to try to drive everybody over to me because it's definitely you.

This is what Jay does when you're doing it.

My mother wouldn't wave me.

It's Jay.

I know it's Jay.

That's 100%.

My mother will answer Jay.

But Dean, don't take your hand off.

Let me tell you why.

Why?

Why?

Tell me why.

Why?

Wait, why am I listening?

Listen to me.

I've done this on the show.

I'm telling you, I can call my mother.

She would would answer the phone right now.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Let me just say this.

Can't do it.

Can't.

Let me say this.

You can call her afterwards to prove it if you'd like to.

I'm willing to tell you, I'll call my mother.

I could be lying.

Still, so that's fair.

I'd call right after this to prove it.

This doesn't mean anything.

Jay's terrified that he's losing all these points right now.

He's freaking out.

It means nothing.

Call her afterwards, whether it's you or not.

The points are done.

Why would he care?

It's crazy if we were wrong.

Because you're going to give all the marriage.

If it's Lewis, you're going to give Lewis all the points, and I think it's Lewis.

Lewis just did a flip move.

When I said him, he did a flipperoo on me and got everybody to go.

It was crazy what he did, and it was brilliant.

You know, but it worked.

Ron.

Yeah, but Lewis.

I don't know if it's Ron.

Lewis saw a dead body before seven.

I saw multiple dead bodies.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

There was the one time we found the dead body down by the train tracks, by the creek.

Me and my friends were walking along.

You want to see a dead body before you get away?

I don't know that it's Lewis.

I don't know that it's Lewis, but it's not me.

Ron.

Jay is a liar.

Jay is a liar, Ron.

Don't take your hand away.

Ron.

Don't take your hand away.

Don't take your hand.

Don't take your hand.

What do I do?

You were doing the right thing there, Ron.

I don't know if it's Lewis, but it's not me.

It is 100% Big Jay.

Could be Ron.

Could be Ron.

Could be Ron.

Oh, no.

I didn't even think of Ron.

Ian, you fool.

Ian, I literally told you this story before.

Oh, fuck!

Oh!

God damn it!

I'm going to back up, Jay, because I'm going to tell you this.

I'm not that interested in people.

So this is a difficult game for me to think that anyone would care about any of these stories.

What?

But I believe in one thing.

I believe in Big Jay Okerson.

Well, we all do, but he's also lying.

My promise to you was that it wasn't me.

Oh, my God.

I believe it's Lewis.

But it's not me.

Yes!

There you go.

La Maire.

Good answer, LeMaire.

Yes, good answer.

You have fucked yourself so hard, it's crazy.

And I'm watching you do it.

I'm watching you push the needle right into your arm, and I ain't doing nothing about it.

Oh, it may be Ron.

I think it's Ron.

God damn it.

No, it's Jay.

It's Jay.

I believe it's Jay, but I will say that Jay's...

If it is Jay, he's pretty good at acting at this point.

Yeah.

Because I'm starting to bother.

That's all I got, man.

Can you explain your...

Is there any other way?

Can you explain away

your love of morbidity, Den?

My what?

Your love of watching people die and stuff.

What do you think I like watching people die?

I think you do, dude.

I think you like watching people die.

You're just assuming that I like watching people die?

I don't know.

I don't like that at all.

What?

You mean true crime?

I do enjoy true crime.

That counts.

I don't enjoy true crime.

But I don't.

Let the mayor, we got to get this voted, my friend.

Okay, I'm going, Ron.

That is my second.

The mayor's so confused.

He was about to vote for himself.

How does this crazy game work?

God damn.

Alex, everybody's in.

Ooh, this is a biggie.

This is a big round right here, boys.

Story number three

belongs to

Louis J.

Gomez.

Wow.

No, my mother didn't take me to my father's funeral when I was four.

That would be crazy.

There was no way I could see my dad's dead body when I was four years old.

Yeah, the first time it was my neighbor.

It was, you know, it's exactly what the story says.

My mom, there was was all these like ambulance in front of the house, and my mom wakes me up.

She's like, hey, hey, come look in front.

I didn't know why.

Just groggy at it like two in the morning.

I see a body being dragged from the house in a body bag and it haunted me to this day.

Yeah.

That is.

I can't unsee this dead body.

It was just in a body bag.

And I was a huge Undertaker fan.

It ruined that for me.

Oh, my God.

No, if you put him in that bag, he's dead for real.

Dude, that is crazy.

What was she thinking?

She was a junkie, Ian.

Afterwards, did she just go, we all float down here?

That's evil.

Yeah, dude, isn't it great when you realize when you were a kid that you were really ripe for the picking for a good molester?

I was.

I can't believe I wasn't just taken.

I would have went, probably.

Jay, Ron, I'd like to be a big man here and apologize.

It's okay.

I should have believed you guys.

I looked to you.

I would have called my mother.

What are the scores?

All right, in last place with one point, Ian Fidance.

I've already read the book.

Okay, I don't need the book.

In fourth place with three points, LeMer Lee.

In third place with four points, Ron Bennington.

And tied for the lead with six points each.

The Story Warriors, Big Jay Ogerson and Louis Jake.

Man, Turkey.

They are good.

Both?

Incredible.

Both.

So it's way early to say this.

We're both throwing a perfect game right now.

Yeah.

We're both doing great right now.

Jakes.

And Jay.

Jay is terrible at this game.

Terrible.

It's going to fall apart for me.

My bookshelves are empty at home.

I've never won.

I bought a bookshelf because I was like, it'll be fun to have all the signed books and remember all the ones I win.

And there's nothing on it at all.

There's a sono speaker and

a cringe humor award I won for up and coming comedian of 2009.

I had already been doing it for 10 years.

Well, guys, thanks for having me in.

No problem.

It's been so much fun.

There's literally

five more stories.

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Cash App for supporting Story Warriors.

Story Warriors, I'll tell you right now, we all use Cash App.

If you've ever been with a Puerto Rican hooker, you've used Cash App.

I'll tell you that much.

But they have an incredible thing that they just started doing.

They have Cash App Teens, which is designed for agents.

Oh, nice, dude.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, oh, shit.

Sorry.

Oh, I woke up.

Wow.

What?

They're advertising this on Archbishop.

Damn, dude.

This thing is brazen.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not teen prostitutes, Jay.

Cash App is designed to meet teen to meet teens.

Wait.

Yeah.

To meet teens.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong.

Cash App.

They have a version where you can let your teen use it, ages 13 to 17.

And it has intuitive educational tools.

It's available through sponsorship by an eligible parent or guardian.

So they get a Cash App card.

It's a great way to teach your teen responsibility and how to save money, how to, you know, to manage their money and how to budget their money the right way.

Yeah.

This platform also has tools that can help teens develop

real-world financial habits in a space that's safe and easy to navigate, all with your oversight and approval.

They have to do whatever you say.

We'll say that Cash App really allows teens to fill out their information online

in order to have access

to incredible tools to just become better and more fiscally responsible.

With Cash App, these tools become something they actually want to use because they were designed with them in mind.

Finally, no one wants unnecessary surprises.

And with Cash App, there is no monthly fees.

There's no minimum balance requirements and no hidden charges when sending or receiving money.

And it is better to receive, if you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

With the Cash App card, you and your teens balances receive 24-7 fraud monitoring.

And if something watched the whole time.

And if something ever fills off, you have the the ability to look at their card right from your phone in just one tap.

So, skip the stress and give your teen a way to learn financial responsibility with no hidden fees.

Download Cash App Today and get started today.

And for a limited time, only new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn additional cash.

So, download the Cash App right now and use the promo code.

Honey, it's dad.

I put some money into your Cash App and noticed that you already had $75,000 in there.

Could you explain that by any chance?

Just download Cash App now and use the promo code Family10 in your profile.

Send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account.

This seems like it's a terrible idea for Cash App, but a great idea for you guys.

It's free money.

I don't literally, the math doesn't add up.

It makes no sense, but they're doing it.

Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank, and banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners, prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, member FDIC, direct deposit roundups, overdraft coverage and discounts provided by Cash App, a block ink brand.

Visit Cash App/slash Legal/slash Podcast for full disclosures.

Man, I am completely filled up.

Bricked up.

Bricked up right now.

All right, where were we?

Story number four.

Story number four.

When I was a kid, I would rummage through my neighbor's garbage because he had empty condom boxes that had nude women on them.

I kept the boxes hidden in my room.

If there was ever a Big J origin origin story.

What?

No, come on.

You really think this is me?

Yes.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Buddy, I had better access to pornography than this bullshit.

This is pre-internet, right?

LaMaire's young as fuck, right?

How old are you, LaMaire?

I'm 35 as of last week.

Not young as fuck.

But I mean, you weren't rummaging through garbage for condoms.

I think he was.

Yeah, I disagree.

There were no condoms in his neighborhood.

That's what happened to that 12-year-old girl.

Yeah, they're 12 years old, getting pregnant.

This poor little horny raccoon over here

couldn't get it done.

Jay is a pervert.

He loves porn.

And I know the boxes specifically what they are.

Back in the day, in like, yeah, in the 80s.

I don't recall naked women on a condom box.

Maybe he was nose because he's the one.

Maybe it is.

I guess so.

But I've seen these boxes 100%.

And they were girls, they had like their pussies spread on them.

Oh, my God.

Literally, it was straight up porn on the condom box.

Really?

You don't remember these?

No.

You definitely.

This is your story, you lying beast.

On my life.

On my life, condom sabir.

Tell your mother right now.

My life.

She wouldn't really know this, Jay.

She'll tell you if I'm this person.

Ian.

Yes.

You're a little bit of a horn dog.

Yeah.

I never did this.

And how old are you?

40.

You're 40.

See, this is the generation.

Oh, my God.

Hi, Non.

Hey, Mom.

I'm on my Story Wars podcast right now.

Just quick question.

Hold on,

let me answer it.

Let me ask you.

Sure, Lewis has a question for you, Mom.

First of all, nice to talk to you.

Hi, Lewis.

How are you?

I'm pretty good.

Not too bad.

Well, anyway,

do you believe that your son is the type of kid

that would do this?

Do you believe, and be honest about this?

Do you think that Jay, when he was a young man, maybe at teenage years, would

rummage through his neighbor's garbage because they had empty condom boxes that had nude women on them?

Do you think that he wouldn't possibly keep the condom boxes hidden in his room?

Is that your son?

Could that be him?

No.

Nice.

Wow.

I love you.

Well, listen.

Listen.

I was just going to say you're lying because you're Jewish.

Yeah, no, Jay, you're a liar like your son.

We don't trust you.

I love you, mom.

I'll call you tomorrow.

By the way, and my mother, at one point, my little brother, who knew where my porn magazines were when he was like an autistic three-year-old, started saying the word big tits over and over again.

And my mom just started watching him.

And he just kept saying big tits and walking to my room and then stared.

He stared at a telescope box that I did not have a telescope in.

It was filled with porn magazines.

And he just kept saying the word big tits.

And my mom touched that box and it rained porn magazines on her.

So she knows I wouldn't waste my time with some fucking condom box.

I stole porn magazines.

You're good, Jay.

You're good.

Wow.

Oh, no, Ron.

No.

Too late.

Yeah, Lewis like knew the fucking thing.

He knew the colour.

He gave it away.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Shit.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, turning into a seal.

Hold on.

When I lie, I do seal impressions.

Everyone knows that.

No, what are you doing?

It would be back-to-back Lewis.

Oh, he's panicking.

It would be back-to-back Lewis.

So I didn't think, but it is.

This is Big Jay.

You guys are idiots.

You're throwing it.

You're throwing.

He's so upset.

Look how sad he is.

It's so obviously Big J, you fools.

It's not really random.

They wouldn't put me twice in a row.

Yo, didn't you hear what his mom said?

Now.

Now he ready to do that.

Now, my son, boy.

Why the fuck would you wait so long to show me that perfect impression of my mother?

Ian, what the fuck?

Why would you hold back that dead-on impression of tear?

I was going to say.

This game's good.

This game's good.

Yeah.

Congrats, man.

Ronnie B, can we talk about Philly moms?

My mom would have answered if I called her at 3.30 in the morning.

You know, there was a friend of mine, Mitchell Walters.

Anytime you called his dad, he would just go, Jack of Spates, because these motherfuckers had card tricks planned, and he would win money saying, my dad can guess the card on the phone.

I saw people lose hundreds of dollars to him.

And it was always Jack of Spades.

You know what I mean?

Somehow it always got the Jack of Spades.

First time I saw him do it, I'm like, fuck, that's a good trick.

And then I go, oh no, these two Jews are cheating everybody in Miami Beach.

They will eventually get killed.

Yeah.

Well, they're both dead now.

Oh, nice.

Good, good, good.

Yes.

Ian killed them.

Linaire, what do you think, my friend?

I think you guys never even questioned if it was Ron.

Ron hasn't had one come up yet.

That's true.

It could be Ron.

I didn't even put in any questions.

I mean, this is my first time on the game.

We send stories.

If I guess Ron, every time, will I lose?

No.

No.

You could just guess Ron every time if you'd like.

It's a terrible strategy.

You'll eventually get points, probably.

At some point, you'll

be so easy to manipulate.

It's crazy.

But, Mayor, you're an adult.

Dude, you're a smart, strong man.

You know, you get extra points if you write your social security number.

He's right.

He's right.

385.

What's your banking password?

I'm going with my instincts.

The horniest guy at these two tables is Big J.

O'Connor.

LeMaire Lee.

No.

Not me.

LeMaire's a little pervert, too, but he's too young, I think, for these condom bucks.

Yo.

Yo.

This might be LeMaire.

LeMaire is a big pervert.

We may have straight fucked up.

Fuck.

LeMaire might have just.

LeMaire's a real pervert.

Yeah.

Like Like a sick, twisted fellow.

Come on, dude.

Le Maire got catfish once.

I think he lost his virginity.

No, no, he just got covered in catfish, and then he was like,

he loves catfish, this guy.

I think LeMaire lost his virginity to a gay trans.

I don't even know what that means.

Is that so many things?

I don't even know.

Is that just a lady?

The lady, I think.

Alex, all of our answers are in: who does story number four belong to?

Story number four belongs to

Lewis J.

Yes,

finally, I'm on the board.

They wouldn't do me back-to-back.

You're crazy.

Can I say you gave it away off the rip?

You were like, Yeah, when we were little, there were these boxes with pussies on it.

Dude, I thought

I've never seen that.

I was hiding in plain sight.

I thought that was going to really.

It worked on me, dude.

It's like Superman's glasses.

It's right there.

But

I fall for it weekly.

Damn it.

Yeah, I mean, that's it.

There was a guy.

It was a guy like maybe, I want to say 10 doors down from me.

And we were like one day just playing

in the street.

And we saw like his garbage spilling open.

Like maybe cats had gotten into it.

And we saw all these condom boxes.

And it was, yeah, it was like porn stars with their pussies spread open or a girl stuck in a dick.

And it was on the cover of these boxes.

And me and my friends were like, yes.

And we started digging through the garbage.

And then we would regularly return to his garbage

to dig through his garbage.

And very often he did not have any point.

It was just us just digging through garbage.

Now you realize it's not easy for a guy who's using condoms to get pussy constantly.

So your boners are dependent on how often that guy fucks.

Yeah.

That guy had to fuck three times for you to have a new pussy to jerk off to.

Dude, I had a drop, like a drop ceiling, like a shitty office that was in my bedroom.

And I used to keep them in my ceiling.

And I would fucking

just jerk off to garbage.

That's how fucking.

Oh, yeah, dude.

That's how John Bender escaped the closet.

At least it smelled like fish.

I like

just a fish bone out of a fucking throat.

Just cartoon garbage.

Yeah, fish bone.

One boot.

A toilet.

Yeah.

A ham with a giant bite taken out of it.

A can, a fishbone, a boot.

That's hilarious.

All right, Alex.

Where are we at?

I think I lost the lead.

All right, tied for fourth place with three points each, LeMaire Lee and Ian Fides.

In third place with six points, Ron Bennington.

Thanks.

Wow.

In second place with seven points, Luis J.

Gomez.

No way.

And in the league.

No way.

With eight points.

Come on.

Big Jay.

Ogre Sal.

Yo.

You guys.

You guys might be here for the night.

You might be here for one of the nights, dude.

Very few nights.

He's only won five or six times out of 70 games.

This game has been going for over a year easy now.

I've lost every four or five times.

I've been involved in every single one of them.

Lewis missed one, and I lost that.

Listen, we are at the halfway point of the show.

We've gone through four stories, which is great.

Truly, anybody's game still.

But at this point, we're going to just do some quick plugs.

Ron, what are you plugging, my friend?

Well, I do have to leave now, but I just want to say

that everything from the first half, I want to go out there and make sure everybody.

I'll say this: David Byrne on the Beddington show tomorrow from Talking Heads.

Oh, nice.

And

a quick announcement: he and i are starting a new band so yeah get out of here yeah what's it called it's just uh called the other talking heads oh my god that's brilliant because people will come thinking it might be the talking heads

the other we're putting really small how long you got we're gonna have lemaire write it yeah you're doing it you do it in the fishbowl thing or no no just in the studio yeah that's awesome hell yeah ian finance uh hi everybody ianfinance.com for all my tour dates uh next weekend I'm going to be at Comedy Connection, Providence, Rhode Island, then New Brunswick at Stress Factory.

And September 26th, 27th in Toronto for JFL Toronto Comedy Bar.

I'm going all over.

So, Ianfidance.com for tickets and my YouTube page, Ian Finance Comedy.

It's where all my stand-up goes.

And I have a new travel show coming out called Ian Do, an odd guy doing odd jobs.

And that's coming out soon.

So subscribe to that.

Hell yeah.

Thank you.

I say bullshit because I know those are are Jay's dates.

Straight bullshit.

Were those my dates?

Let me call my mom to verify.

Panties in your mouth podcast.

That's it.

No, that's not it.

September 9th at Phantom Pattern in Millersville, Pennsylvania.

And also September 10th at Soul Joels in Potts, that place.

This show will be coming out.

This show will be coming out weeks after that happening.

How great was Potts Town?

It was fucking a hoot.

Remember?

Oh, my God.

Remember they had cheesesteaks that just were a little bit off of good?

Yeah.

Let's go skank fest.

Big J?

BigJComedy.com.

For all my dates, I'm all over the place.

Look for a city near you on Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

Of course, let's go to the Bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

Of course, the flagship show of Gas Digital right here, the Legion of Skanks.

I'm doing live streams now on my YouTube, Big J Okerson over on YouTube.

So follow those.

I'll be doing another one this week.

So every week, I'll be having at least one come out.

So stay tuned for those.

Double vinyl of them, they coming out very soon.

And

I think that's it.

We're doing Story Wars

at the Comedy Mothership.

I don't know if you know that, but that's where comedy goes to fucking crush.

Joe Rogan told me so.

That's the reason I take 73 pills every single morning.

Our friend Joe Rogan.

Turkey.

Turkey, yo.

Me and Lewis have most of our phone calls from ice baths.

That's how Rogan's fear we are.

We don't fuck around.

I just saw a Mark Marin PSA that disagrees with you 100%.

Okay, fair enough.

Sure, Mark doesn't see it the same way.

Okay, for sure.

That's because he's not in the Rogan sphere.

I would feel that way as well if I wasn't in the Rogan sphere.

yeah he's not in the sphere that guy probably pays for his terry black's barbecue

that guy that i haven't paid for brisket in austin texas for three years you idiot

mark marron you dumbass

oh man you want to be in the sphere so hard

Tell me the last time I've paid for a beer on that one street in Austin, Texas.

Six?

Oh, fuck.

Come see me live.

Six times is correct.

Give LeMaire Maire four points.

Come see me live.

The Bring Five Friends.

So we're wrapping up this year.

October I got Saratoga Springs, Kenosha, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri, Chandler, Arizona.

And it's going to be a goddamn blast.

We're excited about the mothership Story Wars.

Two shows in the main room this time, by the way, which is great.

So get those tickets.

They will sell you.

Big room.

And

I think we're going to be doing Philly Story Wars right around Thanksgiving, right?

Thanksgiving weekend.

Thanksgiving weekend is going to be a goddamn blast as well.

So come out and check out those shows.

Those will be fun lineups, too.

Make sure you guys check out all the other pods that I do.

The Regs, Legion of Skanks, my solo podcast available just on my mailing list as well.

If you guys want to grab that, the Lewis Channel podcast.

And my book, this is a storytelling show.

I have my own book coming out.

It's called Knives and Spoons.

It's going to be coming out.

You can pre-order it right now on Amazon.

I just found out I will have hard copies at Skank Fest, which is incredible.

And by the way, Ronnie B coming out to Skank Fest this year for New Orleans, which is incredible.

Very excited about that.

We added a first time in a couple years.

We added Ron.

We added Davatelle.

We added a bunch of fucking absolute legends that are going to be coming out.

You can can still get single-day passes, but those are going very quick.

Go to skankfest.com.

And make sure you guys subscribe to Gast Digital.

If you love this show, we have dozens of episodes that aren't available on YouTube or anywhere else.

You get an uncensored and ad-free version of the show, and there's a pre-release for every episode.

We premiere on Monday nights on GasDigital.com.

Use the promo code WARWAR, and you can save a couple bucks a month, and it supports the show directly.

All right.

Second half of the show, Jay.

Well, the second half of the show, because I assume, LeMaire and Ian, you guys probably feel like stupid pieces of shit who shouldn't even have wasted your time coming out of the house today because you look like fucking fools in front of a bunch of strangers.

Or maybe you're falling into my trap.

Sure.

But

maybe we are.

Because as fans of the show know, for the final four stories, we go double points.

It's anybody's game run.

Jesus Christ, double points.

Unbelievable.

G-Mike.

G-Mike, whip yourself.

G-Mike, hurt yourself.

Pinch your own nip.

Mike, immediately hurt yourself.

The people demand justice.

Thank you.

Okay.

That was actually excessive.

You gotta understand.

See,

if you win the game Story Wars, you can trigger double points.

Thank you, Roots.

Now,

Roots.

The Roots are here, yeah.

The Roots are always here.

They're off my, we don't pay them to be on camera.

They have a very high fee to be on camera.

But off camera, it's Quest loving the boys and Blackfought over there, bringing them home every time.

And they basically have to play.

Go birds.

They have to pretty much play every time that we say double points.

Damn it, dude.

Oh my god, the way he works that fucking hi-hat.

Quest love, everybody.

Before,

for the first four stories, if you fooled somebody, you got one point.

If you guessed the correct person, you got two points.

That now actually reverts to two points.

Double points.

I do.

I do like that.

I like that he didn't play it for the fucked up.

He fucked up.

Mike,

you redeemed yourself.

Unhit yourself, Mike.

Take that bruise off your forehead, you psycho.

Second half, let's go.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

When I was a kid, I told my friends a funny joke that two old guys who lived together on my block raped a girl who we all crushed on.

It's a joke?

One of my friends told their mom, and it started unwarranted drama.

It seems like it was warranted drama.

I would describe that as a.

Someone has to get to the bottom of this.

Unwarranted.

Unwarranted drama.

This.

No.

We didn't have rapists in our neighborhood.

By the way, no, it was a fucking funny joke he told.

I wish I could say this was going to be Lewis three stories in a row, but there's no way that's possible.

I will say Jay, when he was a kid, was a fat little liar.

And

I could see him making up stories.

That was that kid, like the kid who's always got a story in the neighborhood, always trying to be funny, rape jokes, early core values, legion of skanks.

This is screaming, Big Jay Okras.

So why did Ian react so viscerally?

Because it's him.

But I do feel that energy where this could be me.

Now that Lewis explained it so much that I'm like, this is not one of mine, though.

I looked again, but for sure.

Call your mother.

No, don't know.

She'll always answer, Lewis, and she will tell you that there's never been a story of me telling someone raped people that I crushed on.

I think it's Le Maire.

Agreed.

Yes.

There's living on a block, a girl we all crushed on.

And then it started unwanted drama.

You know, they hate drama.

Yeah.

So.

Baby mama drama.

Those people do love and hate drama.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

No, if it said crush her ribs, I believe it was Le Maire.

No, if it said ate her ribs.

It's a great show, folks.

I'm getting Big J vibes.

Big J, defend yourself here.

I mean, you told stories.

You got in trouble in high school for telling a story about a girl that you pretended to have sex with.

That was the whole thing.

No.

Jay had to apologize to to the entire school.

No.

Because he made up a story about banging a chick and it became a whole thing, unwarranted drama.

Was he the original Manti Teo?

Lewis, you're telling me that you're not.

He's the Manti Teo.

And says, Lewis, you told that story so wrong.

It hurt every step of the way.

What was the story?

I used to cut school with this girl all the time, and we were not hooking up in any way.

We were children.

And a kid, when I would walk home from her house, he'd be like, Where were you?

Why were we down to school today?

I go, I cut with this girl again.

And he kept going, like, man, you cut school with her a bunch.

Like, what are you guys must be hooking up or something?

And I said no several times.

He's like, come on, dude.

And I go, well, I'm not even going to say you think whatever you want.

And then he likes her and he goes, yeah, I would try to hook up with you, but you're fucking Jay.

And she went, what?

Now, normally.

And then she went to the school board.

Correct.

She was so offended that she went to the superintendent

schools.

Absolutely correct, Lewis.

Whereas most girls would call me and yell at me and we'd get into some kind of weird, like, I didn't, but I did, blah, blah, blah.

She went directly to her parents who took it to the police and school board

who called me and told me that I would be expelled.

or I would have to go to the store and buy a suit husky section, double-breasted to hide my tum-tum, and then go up and speak in front of a fucking auditorium about lying about people and stuff like that.

And I told my mom, and by the way, she would back, this is what I call her right now, I said, damn, mom, we got to move.

And she was like, no, you're going to have to make this apology.

Damn, mom, so what are I going to get a job now?

I'm out of school.

And she said, and by the way, if we answer this now, she would go, well, you're funny now, because I did have to go, yeah, I bought a fucking suit and I had to go in front of an auditorium and be like, lying about people is the bad thing.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

For something that should have been her going, Did you fucking say whatever?

I go,

and just kids fighting, it became a real thing.

However,

would you describe that as unwarranted drama?

Oh, you think this is that story?

No,

that was definitely unwarranted drama.

I've lived unwarranted drama, if that's your question.

Unwarranted drama is words that Jay would use

until I heard Jay tell that story.

You think I just told this story?

That would be gangster as shit.

Lewis, I'm starting to think this is you again.

We have had people get three stories, and we have.

But it's not me.

It's Big Jay.

I told my friends a funny joke.

The two will go to the bottom.

Look at Jay acting like he didn't write this.

Go, Jay.

Keep on pretending to read it.

Hey, Jay, who are you going to vote for?

I'm thinking,

it couldn't be Lewis three in a row, but it might be Lewis three in a row.

It could happen.

It is randomly generated.

Le Maire, maybe.

Yeah, that's who I thought initially was Le Maire.

Jay is having a meltdown right now.

Are you guys watching this?

Should I change?

So,

is this the same points as the first round?

This is double points, Ron.

Oh, okay.

What the fuck?

Did you win, Ian?

Have you won?

What?

Have you won Story Wars?

No.

Where did you go when we explained all this?

What?

What's happening?

You can only trigger double points if you're a winner.

I can only trigger what?

What are you thinking, LeMaire?

Not much.

Ah, fuck, I let it go.

It's definitely Ian.

I can tell you it's not Ian.

But LeMaire could be just trying to get me not to vote for him right now.

That is true.

Do I get points if you vote for me?

If I vote for you and it's you?

Yeah.

If it's not me.

What

you know how the game works.

Are you trying to fucking are you?

What is that?

What's that sit mean?

Le Maire, talk to me.

Look at me in the eyes and talk to me.

Ah, shit.

I'm going with Le Maire.

It's Le Maire.

I know it's Le Maire.

I know it.

Story five, all of our answers are in Alex.

Story number five belongs to

Ron Bennington.

Holy shit.

Can I tell you, finally that joke pays off the way

I dreamt about it when I was in sixth grade.

What was the joke?

Well the joke was we were talking about this girl.

She was the first girl in the neighborhood to get tits.

And

she also had a dead arm.

so holy shit God gives a God

she was sexy as fuck everybody loved her everybody loved her and then I thought like you know I keep the conversation going and I go well you know there's two old guys that collect junk or whatever they raped her and

And we used to stand on corners, so there was like 15 or so, right?

And then suddenly, why, you know, I'm not here, like a half an hour later, mothers start to come out and grab a kid and take them back.

And here one kid fucking ratted to his mom, and the mom started, you know, calling the other mothers.

Like, have you heard about this rape detector?

Investigating.

Yeah.

And that's what the unwarranted drama

that I was speaking about.

There was no rape.

Yeah.

But this is part of the confusion of being in sixth grade, grade, is that we really use the word rape too much

because we could not at that age imagine girls wanting this.

You know what I mean?

So we'd be like, you know who I would rape in our class?

If society would just lighten the fuck up already?

I mean, so, you know, we weren't doing it, goddammit.

But we were, you know, trying to become adults at a very young age, thinking that rape was probably the only way we would lose our virginity.

But

I think I got some points on this one.

Oh, my God.

Alex, five stories down.

Where are our points spread at?

All right,

tied for fourth place with three points each.

Le Mer Lee and Ian Fidance.

In third place with seven points, Louis J.

Gomez.

In second place with eight points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Wow.

Just like that.

Just like that.

And in the lead with 14 points, Ron Bennington.

Dare I say, dare I say, Ron raping the competition.

Dare I say.

Ron, you are disturbingly close to taking home the art of war by Sun Tzu.

You know?

More than just a military guy, the art of war is a masterclass in strategy.

The book details how to assess a situation, use deception, and leverage knowledge to achieve a goal.

For instance, chapter 10, the use of terrain teaches you the importance of positioning and the six specific types of ground.

Wow.

You know,

I've been saving up for years to get that book.

And the fact that I won the first time I come out, thank you guys.

No, Ron.

There's still a chance for other people.

There's a couple more.

Three more.

You got to know when to walk away from the table, Jay.

You do say you got to know one to fold them.

All right, Story Warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Body Brand Coffee, my coffee brand, for supporting today's show.

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Probably does it with a little cream and a splenda.

Of course.

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And then I started.

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Bodybrand coffee.

I do a bump of the coffee and then I do a shooter with the creamer to take it down.

Well, yeah, dude, I just gum the creamer all day long.

All right, where were we?

Alex, story number six,

story number six:

I lost my neighbor's child in a cornfield.

What the fuck?

How is this?

What?

Yeah,

that's Ian.

Yeah, he broke a lot of Delaware corn.

Is that a thing?

Maybe it's a thing.

You know what?

I can't believe that was the whole setup.

I think the kid died.

I really do.

That's whoever tells the story.

I mean, this is vague.

All right.

The sad thing here is only one person grew up near corn, and that's Ian.

I did grow up near corn.

I grew up near no corn, so I'm leaning towards the end.

Jay grew up listening to corn.

I did.

Me too.

Boom, dop, da, boom.

boom, dop, dab.

Boom, bob, dab.

If it's that I lost my neighbor's child at a corn concert, I'd like that stage.

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, dude, I fucking took a

girlfriend's stepsister to a Marilyn Manson concert.

I'll go anywhere with anybody.

Speaking of rape, right?

Oh, dude.

You know who I would have totally raped?

My girlfriend's stepsister.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to see the uncensored version of this show, you can simply go to GastDigital.com.

Who's the Bobo Code War?

I think it was Lewis.

Come on.

Come on.

The cornfield.

Cornfields, Rockland County.

The Rockland County Cornfields.

This is crazy.

Everyone knows the Rockland County.

That's right.

Rockland County Corn Fair.

The cornucopia.

Yeah, we're all.

No, it's not Ian.

There are cornfields in Delaware.

Yes, of course.

And Jersey.

Yeah, but would anybody trust their child with Ian?

That's crazy.

He looks like a

child.

This is what happens.

Yeah.

This is a lesson not to.

You look like you have sex with children.

That's your whole thing.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, you like fawn over them and you kill them and keep them.

You don't have sex with them.

Yeah.

You like do some kind of weird tanning to their skin that keeps them like fresh and hard.

And they're my little trophy.

You drink.

You don't fuck your trophies.

I don't fuck a trophy.

What is this guy?

A stupid fucking idiot?

What are you a moron?

You don't come in the Stanley Cup.

You just keep it for a couple weeks and give it to someone else.

I mean, learn about life, dickface.

Grow up, moron.

All right.

I mean, can you pull your head out of your fucking ass for five seconds and play the game?

Based off of the fact that there are cornfields in Delaware, apparently.

That alone.

Go ahead.

You would look that.

Oh, if it's Ron again, the game's over.

Ron, if this is you again and you got another eight points, we can't just end the game at this point.

Do slaughter rule.

Yeah, that's enough.

No moss.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

All right.

Story number six belongs to

Le Mer Lee.

Wow.

What neighbor trusted you with their child?

We went to the children.

Do you want me to take your children to a constant?

I lived in central Pennsylvania for a while, like 10 years, and

the youth pastor, he went there.

He had to run in the house.

You're all victims.

It's only a ladder.

Yeah, children was a word for virginity.

Before you tell this story, I want everybody to know: hurt people, hurt people.

He left me and my brother with his child, and he lived next to an Amish farm, and they had corn.

And he went in the house to grab something.

He was like, You watch my son?

And me and my brother play rock, paper, scissors.

And then the kid just ran in the cornfield.

And you're like, oh, fuck.

Yeah.

How long before you found him?

It took like four minutes.

The daddy came out and just screamed.

I was going to say years later, they emerged as the children of the corn.

They started a cult.

One person was Satan.

Have you ever seen Field of Dreams and it took a while?

That's a good reference.

You told me you were from Detroit.

I am from Detroit.

I'm fucked on that.

I'm from both.

Holy shit.

Wow.

What a shakeup.

That was a huge round for LeMaire.

It truly is anyone's game.

Give us our points.

All right.

And last place with three three points,

Ian Finance.

Some things.

Some things stay the same.

Keeps you hungry.

In fourth place with seven points, Luis J.

Gomez.

In third place with eight points, Big Jay Ogerson.

In second place with 11 points.

LeMare Lee.

And he's coming to lead.

Shake up.

And holding on to the lead with 14 points, Ron Bennington.

Thanks, Ian.

He's on your ass.

We have two more stories, truly anybody's game at this point.

Probably not Ian's.

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

I had a family member start a romantic relationship with the meanest neighbor in the neighborhood.

He grabbed my penis in public.

Can I say who I wish it was?

I know it's not Jay because his penis isn't grabbable.

If he would have said he like, like, detinged it or.

It is me.

How about that?

My dangling penis and he stroked it right

in public.

When you say grab, it's like a handful, not like, you wouldn't say, all right, just grab that.

Let me grab that.

It says grab, not pinch.

Call my mom.

See if a family member

have a family.

Well, Jay, I will say that Jay's mom also did date a bunch of men in the neighborhood.

That's not fucking true at all.

That's not true.

It is true.

That's not true at all.

Your mom was out there.

She was dating.

No, no.

She was like, boyfriend, stop.

She fucked a couple of Randos.

But I was at my mom mom's house for that.

I mean, I could see your mom just dating the meatest ever.

You want to call my mom and see if she was a whore like this?

No, that's it.

I will say that.

She will answer.

I want to make fun of your penis size because it is hilariously small.

Your penis is crazy.

Mine's more than ever.

Yours is so slightly above ever.

Dude, you film it so much, and I've seen it.

It's so weird-colored and

it's colored like it's colored like Nepopolitan ice cream.

Yes!

Neapolitan ice cream.

Circumcision's like a whole different person.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Ian just said Nepopolitan ice cream.

I just want to let that slide.

I'm sorry to get it.

That chocolate vanilla and strawberry that was helped along by the relationships of his father.

I know what you mean.

Small?

It's fine.

Can I see?

I've seen it so many times, I could draw it like a police sketch artist.

Hey, what was that condom box next to your deck?

I've never seen one of those.

Wow.

He's climbing me.

Small?

Small.

You call that small?

There's a G.I.

Joe standing next to it.

There's a full man.

That's right.

There's a full man right there.

We're in a Monopoly Hotel.

It's like, oh, that's a fucking hotel next to it.

A man that is barely taller than my penis.

I'll be honest, it was kind of close.

It was a close-up, yes.

Took up the whole shot.

It was.

And I also pushed my balls and gunned down.

That looked like a 0.5.

That's a weird angle, brother.

I did notice dental floss pulling your balls back.

He took the drink.

Once again, I'm getting Jay vibes.

His mom was out.

I'm not saying she's a slut.

I'm saying she did date a lot of guys throughout your childhood.

And I think there's more to this.

This is a family member.

It does say family member.

It could be a cousin, a sister.

It could be mom for sure, but I'm saying it's

you're deducing mom.

My thing is, I have the feeling Lemir has a very big family.

And he loves having his penis touched in public.

I don't mind.

No, no, no, it's Le Maire.

His penis would have grabbed him.

I mean, I think there's probably more to the grabbing of the penis.

It was probably an accident, and there's more context to that.

Because I would have heard about Jay being molested by his mother's boyfriend.

Is that getting molested?

Why do you keep making my mother dating somebody?

Oh, no.

You're absolutely right.

None of my mother's boyfriends touched my penis.

But you know, they all.

Yeah.

You want to call my mom and see if any of her boyfriends have ever touched my penis?

Here's the thing.

Not Swimsuit Joe.

This whole thing, the meanest neighbor tends to be like a younger person.

You know what I mean?

So I think it's going to be with a sister or a cousin.

And a lot of bullies will go for the fucking nut slap.

You know what I mean?

So he just turned it around, palmed it.

Because he was a criminal.

I should be a detective, honestly.

I'm starting to believe in myself.

I think it's Ron.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's Ron as well.

I'm going to, we're last place.

We got to fucking figure it out.

I'm swinging for the fences.

I'm swinging for the fences with E.

Wait, you're not in last place.

You're in second.

Shut up, dude.

That is a life-size representation of Big Jay's penis.

Lewis,

go out and write Little Jay.

That's a good piece.

Jay's writing something.

Oh, that's right.

All right.

Ron votes for LeMaire.

Ian votes for Ron.

LeMaire votes for Ron.

Jay votes for Ian, but he drew my penis.

I vote for Ian, but that is Lewis's penis.

And it's very, very small.

That's hard.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

His penis looked like he was trying to do the limbo.

Like it was like leaped back.

Yeah.

It was very weird.

What was happening to it?

Why is it so weird-shaped?

Story number seven belongs to

Big Jay Okerston.

I told you guys, you idiots.

And it was his mom, that slut.

It was not my mom.

You want me to call my mom, Answer?

No, it's fine.

It's fine.

Yeah, have her tell the story really slow.

She will, Ian.

If I call her, she will.

It was my grandmother.

No way.

So, my mom?

My mom.

Across the street was a guy named Jerry who was a married older guy when I was a kid.

And he was the meanest, like...

He would lie and say there was stuff on his lawn.

Don't go on his lawn because it'll eat our shoe.

He was just a mean, like, get the fuck off my lawn type guy.

That's me now.

I bought a house.

I literally bought signs today that say, keep off my lawn.

I sit in my rocking chair in my front porch.

Nice.

I really did.

Well, that was Jerry.

Jerry was that guy completely.

And

he was the meanest guy.

But his wife died.

My grandfather died.

And like two years later or so, when I was like 10, they got together.

And

I guess he was good for her, like in companionship, but he was just the shittiest dude.

The penis in public is school clothes shopping.

And it's the 90s.

And I got pants that was sagging below my ass.

and they were way low in the thick.

And this guy started pawing at my cock in a store, screaming, There's so much room in his crotch, Jeanette.

And he just, it was fucking crazy.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why did he have to do that?

He didn't.

Can I always say, though, my favorite thing, it's such a fun story.

Jerry is dead now.

He died.

He died.

He died about a year.

He came to death.

He died.

died he came so hard from young man penis that he died he did it he died about uh a year and a half after my grandmother because it was funny we went to my grandheart we went to my grandmother's funeral no

but this guy was such a nasty guy uh my grandmother passed away we saw him at the funeral and then in the jewish stuff they do like a year later they come back to do the stone

ceremony.

We went back for that.

And when that ceremony was over, me and my brother and stepfather were smoking a cigarette

between the cars, and it was raining and shitty.

And we heard a horn honk, and we all like jumped.

And we look over, and it was Jerry, and he goes like this, the fuck out of the way, and then peeled off.

And that was the last time we ever saw that guy walked out of our lives after 30 years.

Oh my God, get the fuck out of the way and go.

Yeah.

And he jacked me off in public.

Nice.

Alex, seven stories down.

We have one more to go.

Where are our points?

All right.

In last place with only three points.

I in fighting.

Alex, what's our lowest score ever?

It was two points.

Damn it.

Damn.

Tied for third place with 11 points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Le Mare Lee.

Nice.

And tied for the lead with 14 points.

Wow.

Whoa.

Wow.

Big Jay Ogerson and Ron Bennington.

Go birds.

Go birds.

I mean, look, truly anybody's game except for Ian still.

Ian, you're borderline uninvolved.

But we have.

By the way, I don't know that this has ever happened before, but I'm giving my points to Jay Ogerson because...

I'm done with this fucking game.

No, Ron.

Ron, you can just hang in this one more story on that.

All right, one more.

One more.

Okay, one more.

Yeah, we got him.

We kept him.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is our final story.

Alex, story number eight.

Story number eight.

I became friends with a new neighbor who hit me in the head with a baseball bat.

What the fuck?

That can't be right.

Before or after.

I feel like this is screamy, Ian.

Before or after is a good question, Ian.

Thank you.

What do you Also, I do feel like LeMaire is not.

He's a very forgiving person, though.

You can crack him on the head with a bat.

And then he goes, that was too racist.

And he goes, it's okay, man.

Could be an accident.

I was accidentally hit with a baseball bat when I was a kid.

Are you giving yourself a battle?

By my neighbor.

By my neighbor.

By a neighbor, and then you guys became friends?

We were sort of frenemies.

What is happening?

Did you just tell us the answer?

No, don't vote for me.

You'll be wasting your points.

Interesting.

You'll be wasting your points, folks.

Le Maire.

Le Maire.

Le Maire's eight drinks in.

Le Maire, you could win.

Le Maire, you could win.

You're wasting your points.

Lamaire can't see right now.

Lemer, you can win.

You don't want to think about that.

I'm not saying that answer is wrong.

I'm saying you want to wait out a little bit more.

Yeah.

No, this one I was very young, and yeah, we were playing, I was playing catcher, and my neighbor hit me up.

Are you actually about to tell us a story?

Well, no, it's not this story.

Oh, I'm confused.

Okay, all right.

It's a completely different story.

I got you, got you.

That's what happened last time, though.

Right.

You said it was a completely different story, and then you told the same story.

I forgot to tell you guys, dude, and I've known him for a while.

Lewis is a deplorable piece of shit.

The depths he will sink of betrayal is unbelievable.

I've sworn on my son's life while he was in the room and lying.

Oh, my God.

Looked right at him in the eyes, and he goes, On my son's life, should he die in his sleep tonight?

Oh.

And lied right to my face.

It was great.

It was great.

But I'll tell you what, this guy's got a fucking shelf full of books.

I do.

I win the game a lot.

Yeah.

I'm getting Ian vibes here.

I'm just saying, like, Ian, you're that guy.

You're the guy who gets hit in the head with a baseball bat, and you become friends with the guy, and you guys are lifelong buddies.

Hey, thanks.

Yeah.

That is a trait of Ian.

Yeah.

This game is so close.

We're all doing like the fucking John Wick.

Yeah.

I got nothing to lose.

I'll fucking write Alex.

Oh, so you won't be taking home the art of war, a 13-chapter guide to military strategy by Sun Tzu, written around the 5th century B.C., it teaches that war should be the last resort and won by manipulating the enemy's mind.

Chapter 12 covers attacking with fire, including burning baggage trains and eliminating enemy soldiers in their camps with fire.

The art of war.

No.

I'm just going to go with my instinct here, you know?

What's yours?

I'm saying Ron Bennington.

I'm throwing a fucking Hail Mary.

I'm saying Ian, motherfucking finance, right here.

Ian.

Oh, everybody's going in a different direction.

I'm saying LeMaire.

What the fuck did I do?

Wow, everyone has voted for somebody different right now.

This is crazy.

Ron, who did you voted for Lewis?

Yes, because it's Lewis.

LeMaire wastes his vote.

Jay's not a get hit in the head with a baseball bat type guy.

I wouldn't become friends with a person.

Yeah.

You're right.

Lewis would respect the guy that had the balls to him in the head with the baseball bat.

Real-ass dude.

Gotta respect.

Wow.

Rules of the jungle.

You're a rattlesnake, too.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Final story.

Whose story did that belong to?

The final story belongs to

Ron Bennington.

Ron, was it one of the guys that you falsely accused of rape?

Because you kind of had that one coming.

That was this the unwarranted drama?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, it was the, you know, we used to play a lot of San Lat baseball.

He was the new kid, so I

started punching him.

And

because, I mean, we hadn't seen him around.

Welcome to Phil.

And, yeah.

And then he came up and whacked me with a baseball bat.

But why that happened, another kid stole his glove.

So he came back with his dad, right?

And my mom had to come out of the house and go after his dad because he was coming for me.

Straight up.

And that was like probably in September.

And then in June the next year, he got an above-ground pool.

Looks like I'm making a new button.

Enormous.

Enormous.

You can't make world pools and not a pool.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck.

And then did one of your friends take a vapor's sign baseball and lose it so you all had to come together

to take care of one of the best capers of all time in the summer of 1968?

Can I tell you something?

And LeMaire's blind dad was the guy who owned the house.

Yeah.

And I was calling a game and the Jets stole home.

That was unbelievable.

And the dog had a bigger dick than Lewis.

Damn, dude, what a little dick.

Little dick.

I guess, Ian, can we get points?

Can we wrap this fucking game up, I guess?

Alex, final points.

I think I know who won because I know how to do math, but make it official.

All right, and last place.

You're not going to know the art of war, that's for sure.

Coming in last place with three points and the second lowest scorer in Story Wars history.

Ian Finance.

Ian Finance, everybody.

Come on.

That's huge.

Tied for third place with 11 points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and LeMaire Lee.

It's a respectable score, Le Maire.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

Second place scored 18 points, and your winner tonight with 20 points, Ron Bennington.

Ron Bennington, you go home.

You're now a story warrior.

You go home with the Art of War by Sun Tzu.

And by the way, Ron, you can now trigger

double points.

Double points, everybody.

Double points.

What a night.

Let's go.

With that power comes responsibility.

Will you use it for good or evil?

We'll find out, I suppose.

How about it for Ron Bennington, your newest story warrior on Story Wars?

And a big round of applause for our entire panel.

Ian Finance,

Ramire Lee.

One more time for your new champion, Ron Bennington

for Story Wars.

I'm Big Jay Okerson.

I'm Luis Shay Gomez.

We'll catch you guys next time.

Until then, peace.