060. Mike Cannon, Kevin Clancy, Noel Leon | Fall

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45 p.m.

to be a part of the show.

Don't be a piece of shit.

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It's fun, fuckface.

New York Comedy Club.com.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Okerson, and Lewis, Jake Omega.

What's up?

Oh, how we feeling?

New York Comedy Club, New Homan Story Wars.

Make some fucking noise in here for me, would you please?

Holy shit, it's another sold-out night.

It's rainy.

It's crazy out there, but you guys are the absolute best.

It has not fucking rained one Story Wars since we've been here.

It has not or has not not?

It's rained every time we've been here.

How did I say it?

Too many negatives?

I don't know how many nots you said.

It has never not rained here.

Not, not, not.

I did not, not, not understand you.

Lewis, don't stop staring at that woman's nipple rings to her shirt, you piece of shit.

Nice nipple rings to your shirt, slut.

Edit that.

It's not Legion of Skanks, but she did.

She did show it.

It's not what the show is, but you did need to hear it.

It's not what the show is about.

We will edit that out.

That's not going out to the masses.

That's just for everyone in the room.

You need to hear it from a friend first, and I'm glad you did.

That's her nips, all right.

Hey,

how many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

How many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars?

Two idiots.

Okay.

You can't alienate the people.

There are new people you want to bring in.

I'm being aggressive today.

I know.

It's very strange.

I stopped smoking weed again.

I feel like I'm on Adderall.

You want to fight?

Who wants to fight?

You want to go, dude?

No.

Okay.

We will explain the game if you're not familiar, that guy,

after we get our awesome, awesome panel up here.

Our first contestant tonight on Story Wars, you know, I'm from KFC Radio over at Barstool Sports.

How about it for the great Kevin Clancy in the house?

What's up, boys?

How we doing?

KFC making his Story Wars debut.

How excited are you?

I am excited.

I am very popular.

Very big deal.

Our next competitor on today's Story Wars, you guys might have seen a special traumatized animal on YouTube.

He's part of the Beautiful Boys podcast.

He is a returning Story Warrior.

Did you win?

Nope.

No, he's a loser.

Put your hands together for Mike Cannon.

Returning Story Wars competitor, Mike Cannon.

What's up, boys?

Yeah, yeah, what up?

Our third and final contestant is an LA-based comedian and writer.

How about for the first time on Story Wars?

Make some noise for the hilarious Noel Leon, everybody?

I think I speak for everyone when I say, Noel, pretty toyed,

pretty toy.

Thanks for coming.

Can you learn how to treat one person with respect when they walk through our doors?

Can you give them five minutes before you make them feel like a piece of shit?

Pretty toit.

You're also pretty toy.

How about that?

I'm not.

Kevin, you're okay.

Kevin, you are fantastically toit.

Lewis is right.

I'm right.

You're right.

KFC is toit.

Thank you all three for being here.

If you are listening at home and you are a first-time listener, you're not familiar with the game, Story Wars.

It's a very, very simple game.

Lewis, start writing the thing.

Oh, shit, that's right.

All you're doing great.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic.

Today's topic, fall.

Ooh.

No one ever joins with me.

Alex, our lovely producer, is going to have eight of those stories randomly generated and put them up here one at a time on the screen.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody else that it is not your story.

If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And for every person you guess correctly, you get two points.

Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point.

So you can win up to four points if it's your story.

That's the best way to gain points.

Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put it in this little slot right here and remove your hand.

That is your final answer.

You can't change it.

And that's basically that.

Very, very simple, very fun.

And I'll tell you right now, it's a lot of fun, but we are not playing for fun, folks.

Jay, let him know what we're playing for today.

Every week here on Story Wars, we play for a new book from the Story Wars library.

Today's winner goes home with Why Gary Why

by Jodi Plosh.

In

sure.

In Why Gary Why?

Jodi Ploshet

recounts his experience.

Guy recounts his his experience of being molested and kidnapped by his karate instructor, Jeff Douche.

Jeff Doucet, it's the famous story of the guy who, the father shot the guy in the head at the.

Yeah, this guy's a huge comedy fan.

He gave me this book.

It's signed by him as well.

The guy who shot him?

No, the guy who got raped.

Oh my god.

Look how shaky his handwriting is still.

No way.

He traumatized.

That's got to suck to get raped by karate stance point.

I guess you just

stand there and take it, bitch.

Defend yourself from that rape.

No can defend.

No can defend.

Oh, man, it was paint in the fence, but it was too high to block his dick.

No one saw the karate kid.

In a desperate, vengeful act, his grandfather, Gary Plochet.

I thought it was his father, guys.

Right?

It's his father.

You think they have it wrong?

Yep.

I thought it was just a fucking pull from the internet, no?

Lewis knows his rape stories.

No, I know it.

Sorry.

In a desperate, vengeful act, his father, Gary Plocher, boom, hunted down the abuser, confronting him in a crowded parking lot before.

Guys, do me a favor.

None of that happened.

Stop using fucking AI to write these descriptions because it was at, it wasn't at a crowded area.

He was at a payphone at the airport.

I don't even think this guy got molested.

Did you write this book?

Lewis, just do it from memory.

Hey, instead.

Page one.

Today's winner goes home with a napkin with the word fart written on it by me.

Jake, get the book.

Oh,

I thought the fart thing was going to be classic.

All right.

Why do I feel like this is like a porn that you watched?

And then it said based on a true story.

And this was the footnote to the book.

It does feel like it's all wrong.

He hunted down his abuser, confronting him, I guess, at an airport at a payphone before shooting him to death.

Yep, Okay.

In the head.

The book's title is the question a deputy asked the grandfather in the aftermath.

This is a visceral and unflinching account of a family's pursuit of justice that captivated and horrified a nation.

Now.

That is a great book right there.

We're a little dicey on the details, but read it yourself and you'll find out.

That's cool.

He didn't even flinch.

He just took it.

Yeah.

I'm going to give you the one-inch rape.

I think everybody's got it.

I think everybody's excited about the book.

Listen, the synopsis is great because it really told us nothing because it's all bad information.

It's all bad information.

It's his father I just fact-checked.

You get to learn about it yourself.

You were able to fix that in your phone, but they've had all day to do.

Sick.

Well, let's hope everything goes better in the game itself, everyone.

Without any further ado, are we ready for war?

Let's go.

No.

Nope.

That energy felt bad.

Miss, lead with your nipple rings.

Are you ready for war?

Yeah.

Well, then, Alexandra, with no further ado, story number one.

Story number one.

One summer, I was so depressed that I watched the same movie every day and developed legitimate loving feelings for the lead character.

Can I say something?

This is a girl?

It's probably a girl, but also

it's, I mean, the topic is fall.

This is in the summer.

It's such a minute detail.

The person should have just wrote one fall.

It would have made no difference in the story and it would have fallen under the category.

No one's going to fact-check this.

This would not have been fact-checked at all.

I would have never learned that this person had this happen in the summer and not the fall.

It feels disrespectful to the show.

Alex, any way you want to defend not being retarded when you saw this?

Well, I allowed it because they fell in love with this character.

Oh,

you do fall in love.

Okay.

Well, it doesn't say.

I feel like they should have included the word fall.

Well, time for me to play my favorite game.

This is definitely Lewis.

It's always Lewis.

This is probably Lewis.

He did the move right there, the summer thing.

He told, he's in cahoots with Alex.

No, the fall is, oh,

kooky how that works.

It's a vague interpretation of the topic.

Play with it.

You're artists.

I did have to have that conversation with Jay.

He was like, the fall is like, this is a woman.

I was like, dude, you could fall in love.

You could fall down.

There's the autumn.

Come on, dude.

Fall from grace.

Fall on ice.

Yeah.

Here's the thing.

This is a very womanly story, so that's why I think this belongs to KFC.

Kevin, you seem like a little bit of a ladyboy.

I can see you getting emotional.

I can see you falling in love with a character.

You're from, how old are you, Kevin?

I'm 40.

We're from a generation where we really, we only had TV.

We didn't have podcasts.

We didn't have social media.

I'm 47.

We were men.

We would watch.

We would watch Save by the Bell and we

fall in love with Tiffany Amberthesen.

Like, literally, it was like feelings.

Topanga, I would have killed my own mother to touch Topanga's titty.

Did you see Tiffany Amber Theseon yesterday?

Oh, I'm naked eating carrot cake on Instagram.

51 years old.

Who is?

Tiffany Ambertheson.

James is her carrot cake.

51.

I mean, what's a carrot cake?

Is it a tea frosting?

Is it a regular old buttercream?

It was a naked cake.

Naked Tiffany Amber Theseon eat a naked cake.

That I could fall in love with.

This is not me.

I could definitely blast off to a picture of a great carrot cake.

I will say.

If it was Lisa Turtles, she would have been eating red velvet cake.

Going back

and looking at, like, the problem is, you go back and look at Kelly Kapowski, she's like 14 years old.

You know what I mean?

It's a little weird when you're a 40-year-old guy.

No, I look back still and I'm like, I'm attracted to this child.

You're right.

Yeah.

I don't take myself back there.

I stay the age I am now and still feel the same feelings for her.

I hope she could be my first kiss.

Lewis wore eyeliner.

True that.

That's kind of you got like eyeliner, cowboy hatch, cowboy bread.

Had very deep feelings about things.

I feel like this could be a lot of fun.

I think this is honestly.

I'm going to say it's Lewis because you just posted about Tiffany Amber Thearson like two days ago.

No, that was Kevin who posted about it.

He did a whole video about it, but she was not a movie star.

This is the same movie every day and developed a legitimate loving feelings for the character.

But because Kevin posted that Tiffany thing, I see what a simple little pussy he is.

This is Kevin's story.

I'm telling you, it's Kevin's story.

I'm going to start the voting.

Kevin is my final vote.

He's got a little heart right there because he's a little lover boy.

I think everybody on this panel has the ability.

I mean, it's a very girly thing, but I feel like everybody.

You're depressed now.

I feel like every one of us has the ability to fall in love with a care.

We're all emotional weirdos.

I know this could be Lewis for sure.

Also, we need like Shane Gillis eating a carrot cake naked.

I feel like that would go by.

Lewis actually has that in his phone.

Oh, really?

I have a picture of Shane's ass if you'd like to see it after the show.

Maybe later.

It's more of a bubble than you think it's going to be.

It's better than you think.

Natasha Leon went on stage naked.

This could be like a whole thing.

Who went on stage naked?

Natasha Leon.

She went on stage topless like two years ago.

Really?

How was that?

15 years too late?

No.

Damn.

The next episode of this, we can all.

Yeah.

No, no, no, Miss.

Out loud, please.

Just call out whatever you want.

You're part of the show.

She was like, Shane.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Lady?

The heroin's kicking in.

This is the best part.

She showed up in her fucking underwear and she's just talking to us.

Dude, she's in the fucking garden of Michigan

right now.

Bow, bow, man, oh, bomb, bang, bow.

She's got a tattoo of a dojo on her arm.

You think she's sober?

No, this bitch's fucked up.

My votes, Kevin.

Who else is voting?

I want to say this is you, dude.

Please.

Wait, but why would you be depressed one summer?

Why would I be?

Oh, yeah, we need a better.

Oh, your father was murdered.

Your mother was a junkie prostitute.

It's Lewis.

I actually,

I like when you do that.

I'm glad you're wasting your points.

Me too.

And that's it's way to play the long game trying to get them not to say.

It's karma because you say bad things about my parents who are watching us right now from hell.

Who are watching Story Wars from hell.

Satan tells you to watch Story Wars from Hell.

Wait, is that why there's so many flies?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah,

they definitely get gas digital down in hell.

Kennon, who do you think it is?

I think it's you.

The speed in which you've answered the throw, the summer thing, that was like a complete mirage.

Lewis plays the game, so he would throw this in there so he has an excuse to be like, what's one of these dumb shits?

Did that?

Exactly.

That would be a great strategy.

It was a great strategy, but I didn't fall for it.

Kennon writing Lewis with a little

Puerto Rican

schmuggagoo whatever they call that.

I think a little schmugga.

Schwa?

A little booger on the page.

Accent mark.

Noel, what are you thinking here?

I think it's you because you've been very quiet.

Yeah, and I'm telling you.

Jay has said said 10,000 words in the middle.

Jay, shut the fuck up.

What are you talking about?

I thought I was killing up here.

The weight of the pauses in between words.

Yeah.

The silence is what says.

Shifty eyes.

He does have shifty eyes.

Yeah.

I don't remember being depressed as a kid ever.

I definitely could fall in love with a lead character for sure.

But it wasn't just like one thing.

Like, I thought

Cousin Larry, Balky Bartakamo.

You fell in love with Cousin Larry?

No, his girlfriend.

I fell in love with Cousin It from the end of the day.

His girlfriend in the show.

There was definitely a lot of TV people.

I can't think of a movie this would be for me.

It's not me.

Halle Berry.

Yeah, I went through it, everybody.

It's not me.

Halle Berry and the Flintstones movie?

Come on.

Come on, dude.

Toy.

Toy.

Noise.

You know why I hate if I didn't watch that movie?

Because back in those days, everyone would have been black.

That is true.

It was culturally inappropriate.

Kevin, Noel, we got to get these answers in.

What are we thinking?

I'm going to go with Mike.

I think you are a depressed little emotional boy that could have done this.

Wow.

So I'm locking it in.

Mike Cannon.

Noel wrote Billy.

That's awesome.

That's fine.

Well, I guess it's Noelle.

Who's Billy?

The character she fell in love with.

Billy Bob Curtain.

What?

Billy Bob Curtain.

No, I'm going to go with Louis.

You're going with me.

Yeah.

Let's see.

She definitely thinks Jay's Jay's name is Billy.

I do read Billy.

Noel,

do you think his name is Billy?

No.

Dude, being a hot chicken floating through the world, not having to have respect for anybody rules.

Just voting for somebody else because you don't remember one person's name is Billy.

I always say Lewis because he's the only person I really know up here.

Well, that rules.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Whose story is story number one?

Story number one belongs to Mike Cannon.

Let's go.

Let's go.

All the reasons you had for him were valid for you.

It was valid for you.

I'm so gay.

I thought you had this peg.

Yeah.

Yeah, like, I don't even think Mike has to be depressed to do this.

He could be happy and falling in love with characters on television.

What movie and what

was this?

What year?

And let me see if we can guess the person.

What year?

It was

2007, I think.

And it was for a full summer after my senior year of college.

Is this like a Hollywood it girl of the time?

It was a Hollywood it girl, but kind of an indie, but it blew up to be a mainstream success.

Of course you can.

Oh my god.

It's not Elliot Page, is it?

I'm going to say Natalie Portman.

You're correct.

Wow.

Wow.

Professional.

Professional.

Yeah.

There they go.

And she's wearing the headphone.

Which movie?

Garden State.

Yeah, Garden.

Garden State.

You are so gay.

That is crazy gay.

I had a butter knife to my wrist every fucking morning just watching that movie.

I had a crush on her in the movie Heat because she tried to kill herself.

Now, like a weak-willed lady.

Yep.

Wait, hold on.

Do I get points for picking that but not remembering his name?

No.

Billy's unbelievable.

No, you've just made an enemy out of Big J for the rest of your life.

It wasn't me.

It was definitely KFC.

She thought was Billy.

So, all right.

Well, Alex, where are our points at after one story?

All right.

On the scoreboard in second place with two points, Kevin Clancy.

And in the lead with three points, Mike Cannon.

Cleaning house.

All right.

Let's take a quick moment, Story Warriors, and thank Turtle Beach for supporting today's show.

We love Turtle Beach.

Great, great hardware for if you're a video gamer or even a podcaster.

I use my Stealth 700 headsets for podcasting all the time, whenever I'm on the road.

The surround side makes you feel like you're actually really in the game.

The battery lasts for a whopping 80 hours.

Jay, you literally, this was your gift last year for Christmas to everybody you know.

It was indeed to everybody I know who's a gamer for sure, which I have two brother-in-laws who are, and it made me look like a hero because, again, I'm not a big-time gamer myself, but I mean, they were so excited to have these because

they are way involved in like the online gaming.

Yeah, it has the first ever cross-play dual wireless transmitter system.

You can easily switch between your consoles and your PC, and you can multitask like a pro.

Not just that, they have a bunch of great hardware.

Turtle Beach has been in the game for a very long time, been in the game.

Get it?

So make sure you guys go to turtlebeach.com and use the promo code WARS, W-A-R-Z, for 10% off your entire order.

10% off.

Once again, that's turtlebeach.com.

Promo code WARS with a Z.

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Let them know we sent you there.

And support us.

Support us.

Have a great time gaming.

Let's go.

Alex, story number two.

Lewis.

Story number two.

I fell down a flight of stairs while sleepwalking.

Hmm.

Appropriate usage of.

I feel like a girl's girl's the only person who wouldn't die from this

just by lightness.

Just by lightness?

Yeah.

You fell down a flight of stairs.

If I started a fall sleeping, I'm dead.

There's no way the thunder that I come down those stairs with doesn't cause permanent brain damage.

Oh, you're going to do damage to yourself, damage to the home.

The stairs are fucked.

The foundations for sure fucking out of hand.

You're definitely going to have to fucking.

They're not carpeted.

It's the first house that ever gets totaled.

Yeah, you know what, dude?

This thing's a wash.

We're just going to give you all the cash for it.

I am very clumsy.

I actually have been texting and walked straight into a metal pole in New York and had to go to the ER.

But it's not me.

But it's not you.

Well, I think women are less susceptible to sleepwalking than men.

Am I just making that up?

Yeah,

totally made up.

That is science that has never been said out loud before ever.

Pretty good to me.

Sounds like a fact that I just made made up, but it sounds good.

No doubt.

Black people don't dream.

And midgets don't sweat.

One in,

you heard it here first.

One in five men sleepwalk.

Huh?

Is that true?

It's a true fact.

Why would you know that fact unless you have a history of sleepwalking?

Wow, great point, Canon.

You also tried to really put out there another, like a second story, but it's not me.

Like, I don't know.

That felt very proactive.

What a weird, fun fact.

I walked into a column texting, whatever it was.

Billy, we got this.

She thinks my name is Fat Billy.

Hey, yeah, Fat Billy goes, Big J.

He booked her on the show.

He literally booked her.

You're the one who, like, I booked her on the show.

Have you?

You've been talking to me.

She reached out to IBM.

That is under Big Jay Operson.

There's no Billy in the name.

She just clicked the link on my stories.

It was a metaphorical Billy.

Oh,

the Royal Billy.

The Royal Billy.

Like the Royal We, like the, yeah.

I see.

We are all Billy.

We are all Billy.

The other thing is, I think, what I'm noticing now is that Noel does not have a good poker face.

As soon as you called her at it for a second, I saw her face just started to distort.

She's trying to hold back a smile.

Her eyes started twitching.

I'm thinking this very well could be Noel.

Well, it could be, except it's you.

They can't all.

I know.

You don't sleepwalk.

You would know if if i've ever sleepwalked ever sleptwalk you laid it on thick with the whole like i would die if i fell lewis would also know if i ever slept if he ever sleptwalked i would know i will say right now this is the good thing about having the bad thing we know each other very well so i will tell you right now big jay does not sleepwalk i would know that about him and if lewis this is lewis's story for sure he's kept a crazy thing for me

and he lies to me all the time so i will say this could be lewis

i he's never told me a sleepwalking story but he might just lie and say he's done that and then be like, oh, I don't tell you everything.

Does Lewis, for road trips, does Lewis pack a sleeping bag and mittens?

So he can't sit on the road.

Lewis fits whatever you can fit into a fanny pack and it's all wet.

This also feels like a battered woman story.

She's like, no, I didn't, I wasn't pushed.

I fell down the stairs.

I don't think so.

I think she's still figuring things out.

She's like, I don't know who this is, but it's definitely a woman.

Now I also think a lot of guys have put hands on Noel.

She thinks Billy is spelled B-I-L-L-A-E.

My name's Jayukonch.

I've been staring at you for months online.

Look at me.

See me.

Excuse me, Billy.

All right.

I'm going to start it up again, guys.

I'm saying Noel.

I've never been more positive about anything in my entire life right now.

I just want you to know if it's you, and accept this as my friend.

I'm going to slap you in the face.

because I'm not going to vote for you.

Well, I might fall asleep, it'll wake me up.

Very possible.

Your sleepwalking problem?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to slap you, but don't get mad at me.

Don't fight back.

I won't.

Okay.

Then I'm going to go with Noel also.

Nice.

Smart move.

Yeah.

I could see Noel.

Unanimous Jacob's laddering down.

I'm excited by this.

I mean, if this isn't Noel, somebody just cleaned the fuck up.

I'm going to say

Jay.

Wow, she got it.

It's definitely all her.

Her name she remembers.

It could be more of her.

I think she's going to write Jay or Billy the whole night.

That's it.

Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay.

Lewis, she knows my name.

Do you feel me growing?

We were so excited to have a hot chick on the show.

And in two minutes, she's like, what's your name, Louisa?

The fat one.

Not the dirty one.

The fat one.

I'm I'm going to call him Billy.

He looks like a Billy.

What if I just accepted?

Yeah.

Hey, Billy.

I'm Billy now.

Yeah.

Billy, can I get a ride home?

Yeah, wherever you sway out of my way, but I'll do it.

Alex, all of her answers are in.

Story number two belongs to

Kevin Clay.

Fuck you, Billy.

Fuck you.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Give me that fucking book about that guy getting raped.

Billy wasn't mean to you.

Turns out on Billy.

Tell us a little more.

Tell us a little bit more about this story.

You sleepwalk.

Do you still sleepwalk?

I haven't in a while, but I sleep talk and sleepwalked, sleptwalked like a lot in my life.

This is my freshman year of college.

Well, you can sleep, talk, the talk, but you can't sleepwalk the walk.

I have done it.

I've done it all, man.

But yeah, it was like freshman year of college, a couple weeks into the semester.

In the dorm.

In the dorm, went like running down the hallway i needed i i had shoulder surgery from it back like i fucked my shit it pretty much ruined my life to be honest but other than that it was uh it was it was all worth it because maybe i'll win this rape book now so you know in the long run in the long run i came out ahead but remember it was his father that raped him out of payphone because some people

in the payphone right some people uh some people sleepwalk but some people when they it's almost like a version of like night terror so you like violently sleptwalk like you would run and scream jumped out of the bed rang out everyone in the dorm thought I was a fucking psycho.

It was like the only time in college that I wasn't higher on drugs or whatever.

And everyone thought I was, of course.

You have to on your podcast talk to Kurt Metzger about this.

It's the only person I know who I've experienced the same hilarious thing with, like a waking up.

Like, I mean, my favorite, to give one story, was he woke up screaming in the middle of the night.

He goes, there's a laser in my eye.

And his girlfriend, Big Help, went,

Well, that's funny.

So, so I was at the time,

I was living with a girl, and one of the times I sleptwalked, I thought the room was on fire, but I just got up and ran out and left her there.

Oh, I thought you were going to say you tried to figure out.

I was like, it's on fire.

It's on fire.

She was like, you didn't even try to help me.

And I was like, well, I don't know.

That's probably a sign of things.

You were like, well, I was going to pee on you, but I thought better of it.

Is that public accumulation why you became a comedian?

Public humiliation.

Of the sleepwalking?

Yeah.

No, no, there's other things, but nothing.

That happened later on.

Well, all right, we have two stories down.

Alex, where are our points at?

Kevin just cleaned up.

Yeah, let's go.

On the scoreboard in second place with three points.

Mike Cannon.

And in the lead with six points, Kevin Clancy.

Wow.

Hey.

Good thing we all showed up.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I woke up hungover after blacking out only to realize that I had adopted a dog, paperwork and all.

I took her outside to shit.

We locked eyes and I fell in love.

Girl.

It does.

Only girls I know that black out and do full-blown activities that require pulling out identification and shit.

I blacked out and voted.

I blacked out and wrote three chapters of a book.

And I woke up, it was genius.

I blacked out and I registered for the Army.

It's all in Noel's voice.

And I'm already a corporal.

Noel, do you have a dog?

No comments.

Oh, wait, Jesus Christ.

Yes, I do.

I have a pit bull.

You have a pit bull.

Did you adopt it after getting blacked out?

You can lie.

The whole game is to lie.

She just can't strategy.

She's like, oh, man, yeah, you got me.

I'm like, I look like this.

I've never had to lie.

I did not.

You lie.

Remember, you told everybody you thought my name was Billy.

You knew my name was Jay.

You're super into me, right?

I'm sober, so I don't, you know.

Now?

Now, after.

You're drinking a Heineken.

A Heineken zero.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you have to get home and feed a dog.

You can't be all fucked up.

I have a question.

What's your dog's name?

Whitney houston so it is a female job i'm just checking i'm just making sure

i'm gonna go we're just wasting time

noell moving forward why

final answer noelle jay don't not remove your hand

you removed your hand dude yeah

Billy doesn't exist.

Oh, I thought her name was Billy.

Oh, that's my bad.

I don't really know people's names like that.

She looks like a Billy.

Judges, note that Big Jay's Billy counts as Noel.

All of her answers are in.

Story number three belongs to

Noel Leon.

Billy!

That would have brought the house down if it wasn't her.

If it was somehow.

That would have been crazy from somebody else.

So, what happened here?

You really are sober now.

Yeah.

Was it because of this decision you brought a baby killing dog into your life?

Funny enough,

she's like 60 pounds and she was like,

she has like a long nipple that's like really, really abnormally long.

Jay's hitting hard again.

And so I was like blacked out.

So I was blacked out drunk and I woke up with her like literally slobbering over me.

And I was like staring at.

I get in trouble when I do that to women.

I was staring at this nipple.

I was like, either something really strange happened last night.

I don't know.

So, anyways, I got stuck with this straw.

I was like shitting blood.

It was a traumatic experience.

But we're in love, yeah.

But you're shitting blood?

Was the dog also drunk?

The dog also woke up and like, did you adopt me last night?

What the fuck happened?

God damn, dude.

I gotta stop drinking to local wrestling shows.

My mom got blackout drunk and chipped herself instead of the dog.

All right, well, Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

On the scoreboard, tied for third place with two points each.

Louis J.

Gomez and Big Jay Okerson.

Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.

What a great gift she gave us.

That's going to be, you're going to be yelling, Billy for the rest of your career, dude.

Big J Billy Okerson.

Just do me nicknames.

Billy Okerson.

You should have two sets of quotes in your name.

I'm Big J Billy Okerson.

No, dude.

No, it's not Big Jay.

It's Billy J.

Okerson.

Billy Jay.

It's very obviously Billy J.

Okerson.

I'm going to start carrying on.

She thought your name was Billy Jay.

Buddy.

Like I'll fucking hit you.

I'm going to start walking on stage with a fucking real axe.

Billy J Ogerson.

Billy J.

Hey guys, you have ox parking here.

Alex, continue.

In second place with five points, Mike Cannon.

Good.

Doing good.

And in the lead with eight points, Kevin Clancy.

Kevin right now playing a damn near perfect game.

Very nice.

All right, Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

One time I went on a date to the movies.

While walking up the stairs with all of our snacks and sodas, I took a fall, and the entire movie theater laughed at me.

I'm getting some context clues.

Snacks, soda, clumsy.

I think this might be Billy J.

Ogersey.

Billy J, Billy J.

Yodi Odi, itty odi, itty yogi.

um

this does sound like me.

I love snacks.

I love movies, and I do not love stairs.

Jay loves going to a movie.

He stocks up on snacks.

My living nightmare is that a room full of people will be laughing at me because I fell and did something fat.

He does crush rooms.

He makes everyone laugh.

This sounds so much like Jay.

It does, but it's not.

So that's going to be a problem.

See, that's how you play the game, Noel.

You deny it even when it's you.

Yeah, watch.

Do it the other way again.

Yeah, I think it's Jay.

What?

You guys are nuts.

You made a big stink about falling down the stairs the last story, though.

This one you didn't really.

You know what I mean?

You said about you'd break the stairs.

This is walking up the stairs.

Okay, and it's movie theater.

That is a particularly clumsy thing.

And I have fallen upstairs before.

Falling upstairs is one of the most embarrassing things ever, dude.

It's about to just go down.

When you try to stop it, you know what I'm saying?

Fattest night of my life.

Fell upstairs.

McDonald's bag broke and all of my French fries just rained down the stairs behind me.

Fucking Billy.

You have more than one falling up the stairs snack story?

Probably.

But this isn't one of them.

but yeah movie theater stairs though are more of like uh it's a less violent fall you're it's long steps usually right

you sure know a lot you know a lot about movie theater stairs somebody was measured i enjoy movie theaters

um when what was the last movie you saw in a theater weapons weapons is that a snack worthy movie oh yeah Is every movie a snack-worthy movie?

It's a very snack-worthy movie.

What did I get?

Good question.

Pretzel bites?

And some movie theater nachos.

No popcorn.

No, not this time.

But

I did get,

now they just give you the soda cup and you get to go make a suicide like when you were a kid.

Oh, like you do all the different, like a retarded person, you do all the flavors?

Yes.

But because I'm also an older gentleman and worried about dying soon, I make a suicide of all zero sodas.

Exactly.

That is fun.

That's one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard in my life.

I love it.

It doesn't matter when you're pumping vanilla flavoring into it if the soda is zero.

But in my mind, I've done something.

That's a Billy move.

That's classic Billy.

What do you do with your...

This is textbook Billy.

What kind of a butter in the popcorn situation?

What do you do with that?

When I was younger, always too much butter, always too much salt, realized, and then I'd be like...

By three bites in, you're like, I think I hate popcorn.

And then you realize you just got to put salt, then a zip of butter, and then you go about your day, you'll be fine.

But these are things.

You really caught Jay on a very passionate subject of his

Billy Why is going to be his book.

And also, I'm a Twizzler's guy.

I wouldn't feed red vines to slaves.

Tastes like wax lips.

It's insane that anybody likes them.

Yeah, I mean, we haven't really explored anyone else.

I would think this would be a no-welser because that seems like a female move as well to fall upstairs.

And it also has a comma.

That's so you know, it's not me.

Kevin, is this you?

Is it?

Kevin, where'd you grow up?

In the Bronx.

Okay.

Was it at Magic Johnson Theater?

Because if you fell, you have AIDS.

But you're living with it, not dying from it.

Cannon was an athlete in high school right college baseball got that big fat beautiful ass of yours You ain't falling up those stairs You get up those stairs every time I gazelle hop up those stairs Every time someone brings up Cannon is the third thing I say and the guy's got a thumper.

He's got a fat ass The kid's got a fat ass fucking funny handsome and a fucking fucking dog, huh?

Yeah.

This could be Cannon.

I'm thinking KFC, possibly.

He was sleepwalking in Philadelphia.

Apparently, not my thing, huh?

I'm getting the voting going.

Big Jay Oakers said story.

What for?

You dumbass.

Now I think it's you, you fuck.

You think every story is me.

Well, when you say it's me, it's not me.

It makes me think that.

Although maybe you're just saying that because it does seem like a lot of elements are a me story.

But you might write a me story to throw people off and make them say me when it's.

Jay, we shouldn't do the show together anymore.

You don't trust me as a human.

Every time I trust you, you lie to my face, and I have to go hit something else.

Jay, Jay, Jay.

All right.

Do you want to catch up to these people or not?

Jay, do you want to catch up to these people?

We can't let them take another book from the Story Wars Library.

I want to know if you want to catch up to these people.

The club took all of our books.

Now we're left with nothing.

I'm letting you know this is not me.

It's not.

Or vote for me and lose again.

Do you know who I am?

Be the biggest loser ever on the fucking show.

That'd be great if this was the biggest loser.

I just watched the documentary.

Lewis,

tell me, look me in the face and say it's not you.

Listen, if you tell me it's not you and it's you, I won't go on a pontoon boat with you.

We're going on a pontoon boat for this week's Legion of Skanks.

It's pontoon skanks, you son of a bitch.

No, Lewis went on a pontoon boat, and now for that reason, everyone's got to love pontoon boats now.

Pun sanks.

So he's dragging us out to do a show on on a pontoon boat.

You can just drive it.

They don't ask you for it.

If they don't want to know if you're going to drive it, it goes five miles an hour.

It's for catching dockfish and swimming and finger fucking and bait.

You nitwit?

You're not fucking Don Johnson hitting the fucking seat.

It goes like 18 miles an hour.

Don't be a cunt.

Wow.

We almost sunk one on my bachelor party.

Really?

Yeah, too much weight in the front.

Wow.

I can't believe you brought Big J to your bachelor party.

Yeah.

They called it the Billy Incident.

remember the billy incident that's why i don't get pontoon boats anymore where do you take this pontoon boat uh greenwood lake

just a circle

stay still no i literally just drive it away from the dock and then i anchor and then i get high and drunk and be like ah

that's the whole time

jay all right

you think i'm wasting pontoon day

Wait, say it's not you or I'm not doing pontoon day if you're lying to me.

It's not me.

Okay.

This guy wants to go on a pontoon day.

I really want to go on a pontoon day.

This guy has said the word pontoon out loud to me every day, 17 times every day since he's gone.

Who else would go to the movies and be a clumsy, dumb fucking idiot?

Jay, you can also see her underwear.

Lewis.

Edit it.

Edit that out.

That's nothing to do with the show.

I just wanted my friend to know that.

That's my friend.

I do not, however, see the outline of a clit ring, so she does keep it above the waist, which I do appreciate.

No jewelry downtown.

I appreciate that.

What do we think?

As an amateur gynaecologist,

Kenneth's got a single thing.

I'm going with Kevin, I think.

He's been quiet.

He's been pointing the finger really quickly at other people.

He has been quiet, and he's clumsy.

And then also agreeing with whoever says whatever.

So I'm going, Kevin.

Well, Kennon, you just made your fucking bed, Mr.

Sister, because now I know it's you.

I was going to say,

the lady doth protest too much, Michael.

And I feel like you're right that he is an athlete, and this was a super embarrassing moment that stuck with him for life.

And that was

a terrible thing.

And he's an athlete, so he was trying to take three steps at a time.

Yeah, I'm trying to show off.

I'll hold the snacks and jump up those little tiny long stairs.

Yeah, I take three at a time.

No, Mike, you're being crazy.

There's like five feet between each step.

Shut up, bitch.

Sit back and watch watch and then honor me by sucking my dick.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Tell me, it's Big J.

I can't.

That story belongs to Louis J.

Herman.

Shut up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Let me tell you something.

He's just kidding.

He feels fantastic right now.

Once we're going to feel like shit

on Tuesday when we're filming at my house instead of pontoon boats.

Let me make this very clear.

I love pontoon boats.

He just gave it up.

I love winning story wars more.

He just gave it up.

Wow.

Lewis, I will not pontoon with you.

You will do an episode without me or you will come to my home.

Oh, you will change your tune on Tuesday to a pawn tune.

I will not be there.

You guys are going to sit there with zinc on your nose waiting to cast off.

And I'm going to be home playing video games alone, waiting for you in a pavilion.

Fuck, you had my name.

You had it in the slot.

You looked your friend of 20 years, Billy, right in the eyes.

That's how you treat Billy?

This was high school.

This was what movie?

It might have been American Pie.

Like, this is like straight up like my, like, I'm 43 years old.

This is like my

old school movie,

you know

I'm so clumsy period like dude.

How do you I mean you know how clumsy I am and I was out with my girlfriend

I don't think I'd ever forgive him if I wasn't.

You'll look at me for a friend in the world.

Jay, you know about that.

I don't know anything about you.

You're a bad person.

You're a bad friend.

Lewis tripped over his Jankos.

I did.

I was wearing big-ass Jankos in a chair.

I fucking, I walked, and it was me and my girlfriend and another couple, like her best friend, her boyfriend.

And I'm walking upstairs and it was like during the previous.

So,

whatever it was, like, whatever movie they were advertising, it was like a very bright moment where the entire theater was lit up.

I'm like,

and then I just fell, and everything, literally, both popcorns, both sodas, spilled onto the floor in front of me.

I looked up, and everybody in the theater was pointing and cackling at me, except my girlfriend, who was doing this.

How much longer do you stay together with her?

We stayed together until the first year of college.

Better than I would have thought.

Hook the pontoon to a car and take it to his house.

Can I get a pontoon to your house?

That's a great thing.

Pontoon to me.

But I will be taking part in no pontoon.

That was crazy what you just did.

You just damaged a long-term friendship.

Oh, no.

He did it again.

He did it again.

Billy wins.

Billy wins.

Wow.

Wow.

Billy.

Demsha.

Billy.

Billy.

Billy.

Billy.

Why are there so many liquids on me?

Oh, Lewis, meet Lewis.

Alex, give us our points, Brad.

That was a big round for you, huh?

You're a fucking copper.

You're a lousy human.

All right, heading into halftime in last place with zero points.

Noel, Leon.

Because I'm just too good of a person, really.

You're You're not bad like some people I know

who are really bad people.

You looked at me right in the face.

You didn't even shiver a little bit.

I was about to swear my son's life.

I really wanted that round.

I really wanted that round.

If I see you on a pontoon boat, if you cave at all, I will never respect you again.

You better never be on a pontoon boat.

Lewis knows one thing for sure.

He knows he abandoned the idea of pontoon boat.

He waited out and he goes, we'll do it at Jay's house.

We'll pontoon another day.

We got years to pontoon.

I literally did.

Yeah, he knows it's not gonna, he knows I will hold firm to that.

And he went, Yeah, you know what, dude, worth it.

Alex.

All right, in fourth place with two points, Big Jay Okerson.

You do not patronize me

in third place with five points, Mike Cannon.

In second place with six points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And in the lead with eight points, Kevin Clancy.

Kevin,

I'm going full tilt behind you for the rest of this game.

However, I can help you shake and bake style to win this.

I'm going to do my best.

I want this book out of Lewis's life.

Don't you dare.

Because...

Why, Gary, why?

It's a definitive true crime memoir by author Jodi Plashay about the highly publicized 1984 case.

They updated it.

They updated it.

The book tells the chilling story of a father,

yes, a father,

who, upon learning his son has been abused, hunted down the perpetrator and killed him.

It's a powerful and candid account of a father's vengeful act to save his son and the long, difficult journey of a family undertaking, what a family undertakes to find peace and justice after a life-altering tragedy.

This guy's a comedy fan, huh?

That's heavy.

I mean, he kind of missed the boat on saving his son.

No, no, I don't use that term.

Missed the pontoon boat.

Don't rub it in, asshole.

I really missed the pontoon boat.

Lewis is never going to read this book, and he wanted to go on that pontoon boat.

We are at the halfway point of the show.

At this point, we always do a quick little plug session.

Noel, what are you plugging?

What?

Huh?

Star stuff.

Do you have anything to plug?

Any shows?

Any podcasts?

Anything?

What a life she has.

I don't even care.

I don't know.

Money just falls off the group.

I have a movie that I wrote that's coming out on Hulu this Christmas.

Oh, wow.

On Hulu.

What's it called?

It's called A Comedy of Heirs.

It was called Noel, Noel, Noel, but then I got so much shit from my friends for making a movie that was my name, even though it was a Christmas movie.

They were right.

Yeah.

Well, he has a movie that he wrote called Billy the Billy.

It's true.

It's a crime noir.

There was an interview I did about it there.

They were like, Noel of Noel and Noel and Noel.

I was like, okay, I got to change the name.

Well, I can't wait to watch it.

Very excited.

Cannon?

Check out the pod, beautiful boys.

And I'll be on the road.

I'm in in Levittown in Portland, Maine.

And my CannonComedy.com for all that.

KFC.

My podcast is KFC Radio.

You can find that wherever podcasts are available.

Follow me on all social media at KFC Barstool.

And my co-host, Feidelberg, just put out his first season of his television show, Les Mascots.

That's on

YouTube, on their channel, Out of Order.

First episode.

Every Tuesday night, 8 o'clock, new episodes.

I believe it's a 10-episode season.

So go check that out.

Very cool.

Very cool.

Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

Got Calgary, Portland, Appleton, Wisconsin coming up.

I'm all over the place.

Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

Wow.

That's a good thing.

Thank you.

Thank you, Lewis.

I appreciate that.

Of course, check out the Bonfire Five Days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

Live streaming now on YouTube once a week.

So check those out on my YouTube page, Big Jay Okerson.

And, of course, the flagship show right here at Gas Digital, the Legion of Motherfucking Skanks.

Yeah.

Come see me live.

I'm finishing up my 2025 tour.

I'll be in, I got a lot of stuff coming up.

I have

Portland, Maine, Key West, Florida, Levittown, New York, Kenosho, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri, and many more.

Go to LewisOfskanks.com, grab those tickets, sign up for my mailing list, get my bonus podcast just for subscribers for that mailing list.

It's free.

Boner podcast.

Boner podcast.

I do two other pods, The Regs and obviously Legion of Skanks.

Check those out.

Also, I have a book that I just finished.

It's available for pre-order right now on Amazon.

It's called Knives and Spoons.

It's a memoir of my childhood.

It's funny and dark and fucked up and sad.

I think you guys will dig it.

So go pre-order it right now.

And make sure you guys, if you love this show, we have a bunch of episodes that are not available anywhere else.

We do a pre-release of the show every Monday night just for subscribers to Gas Digital.

It's ad-free.

It's uncensored.

All the shit we said about this chick's nipples, that's going to be on the uncensored version.

And go subscribe at gasdigital.com.

You get, I mean, I think it's like 40 episodes now that are not available anywhere else, plus thousands and thousands of hours of other uncensored ad-free content.

Use the promo code WARS with a Z or War and you save a couple bucks a month.

It's a brand new platform.

We just built brand new apps for iPhone, Android, everywhere.

And we really appreciate the support.

So go do that.

Alex and G-Mike, if you guys are hilarious when Lewis's book comes out and we use it as a book to give away, you should write a completely wrong description of the book.

He goes, when Lewis's grandmother was stabbed in front of a strip club and father became a prostitute,

alternate title, Why Billy Why?

It's in the works.

It's in the works.

By the way, tonight's winner doesn't only take home why Gary Why, but also we're throwing in a special edition of Fart on a Napkin

by Billy J.

Ogerson.

Fart on a napkin tells the chilling story of somebody to think of something very fast because

the description of the book we were going to use was going haywire.

So Fart stepped in the play and became a number one bestseller just like that.

Boom.

Alex, story number five.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, I'm an idiot.

You're a fool.

It's fine.

I got it.

For the new people on the panel.

You got so hyped up.

For the new people on the panel, you see, especially Noel.

Noel, you're far behind right now.

You're at zero points.

It feels at this point like...

Do you think this is like

an underdog story?

Well, and I also think of it as an underdog story.

Obviously, you're not great at the game.

But just so you know, it's not over for you, okay?

Because at the end, you seem like it's an insurmountable hill that you have to climb, but that's not true.

Because for the second half of this game, we go double points.

That's right, everybody.

It's as simple as it sounds.

Nobody's out of the game because before, when you fooled somebody, you got one point.

If you guessed a correct story, you got two points.

But now, of course, that goes to double points.

I really want to win this book because

I went to this thing last night.

It's like Slam Poetry, and everyone snaps after you read a story.

And I think it'd be great to read a raping story in front of all of you.

Absolutely.

I think it's great.

Just read excerpts in front of these.

Somebody went on a date with a black guy with an afro.

Somebody went on a tender date with a thoughtful Latino.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I fell off my bike once in traffic, knocking the wind out of myself.

I then walked my bike home while crying and hyperventilating.

I actually have a very similar story.

I really don't.

Jay?

Come on, dude.

No, no, no, listen to me.

Come on.

Listen to me.

Why would you.

I have a very similar story.

When I was a kid, I was riding my bike with my eyes closed.

I used to do this.

I would just drive down the street with my eyes closed, and I started veering toward the side.

And there was a giant pickup truck with like an out-jugged rear view mirror on the side mirror.

And I was just riding with my, and the mirror hit me directly in the chest and knocked me bulk off my bike.

And I slammed my head into the ground.

And then I literally just wheezed and cried as I walked my bike home.

It's the story.

You're doing the fucking...

Fuck you, dude.

You're not talking me out of it.

Jay, no, no, no.

Fuck you.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop.

Hear me out, dude.

No, dude.

No, you're hurting.

And I mean this.

I go home wearing this every week jay i wouldn't lie to you again

you dude fuck you hard no dude no thank you

no no

no

can i say what i think is happening right now is i think big jay is playing the game i think this is big jay's story right

i'm going to no

no stop it you can't do that that's actually literally against the rules that's literally against the rules

having a little bit of fun bud right

oh

i'm going to talk to the commissioner about this.

Whoa, I'm taking this all the way up to the fucking commissioner.

It's funny how many people like on Reddit and the Facebook group take it so seriously.

Like, dude, you know, if they're cheating, that's actually against the law.

There's like laws for game shows.

You can't actually cheat on a game show.

So, but we should.

Draft Kings is going to hear about this.

And notice that we are very honest on this show.

At the very least,

we've never.

That's crazy.

We don't cheat.

That is crazy.

crazy i feel like that what you did was cheating you lied right to your friend's face so meanly literally the game i know but you're not supposed to if you care about somebody a lot of people think i'm like i'm in cahoots with alex where i have her put stories out at some time i know yeah i would start those right if i knew how reddit worked i would start a reddit throw that said you and alex work together against me specifically every week

i i i do think this is big jagged let's go to the panel what do you guys down there write it down tell me what do you get what you feel like i thought it it was Noelle immediately because I looked at her and she has the poker face of a three-year-old.

I'll tell you this much.

I'd poker face.

Oh, you know what?

I'm mad at you.

Come on now.

That would have gotten way more.

That was a good one.

Poker face.

That was a good guy who just called me out movie.

I know.

But she also wrote that before I even said her name before.

So that took the scent off.

Then Lewis is kind of selling me on the fact that it might be Jay playing the game.

But then Lewis is also a liar.

No, actually, I was going to say have fun, but you know what?

Don't have fun.

Because if you're not going to say Louis, he's going to get these points and it's going to drive me fucking bananas.

Lewis, your fucking intense stare is horrifying.

So you're right.

If it's not going to be me, please make it Lewis.

Vote me if you want to.

But if not me, please do Lewis so he doesn't get more points.

I hate this.

I think that

I know.

We haven't had a Billy story yet, right?

No, to be honest, to be fair, they're all randomly generated, so that doesn't actually mean anything, right?

We've had people literally at the end the very last story.

Have we ever had somebody not have a story pulled?

I think they have to at least have one story.

I think that's mathematically impossible.

We made it.

We've never had somebody with zero stories pulled.

We've had people with one.

We've had people with three stories pulled.

We've had people with three stories pulled in a row.

Damn.

To be fair, I also lie.

I can't lie when we're having, like, when I'm having sex.

Like, if someone asks me if I'm...

Somebody, fuck her.

If I had an orgasm, I'll just start laughing.

Noel, is this you?

Yes.

You can't lie while having sex.

So if a guy's like, do you like this?

I'm like,

I just smile very often.

What type of faggot would ask a girl if she came?

No comment.

You're such a bro.

What are we thinking, boys?

Damn.

I'm a he-male.

I think I'm going Big Jay Okerson.

Oh, fuck.

Billy Jay.

Billy J.

Mike.

I'm just going to...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, take your hand off of it.

He's desperate for points.

Lewis is going to get points right now if it's him.

He's desperate for points.

You're going to give Lewis points.

Oh, wow.

Cannon.

Are you just trying to placate Billy or are you trying to win the game?

I would never.

Billy can do nothing for him.

Billy is less of a threat in terms of points.

You're ahead of him.

For sure.

All right.

I'm going with Lewis.

Wow, you're a full ass handed to you.

Jay, Jay, good job.

Good job, Jay.

You convinced one of these people not to vote for you.

Shut the fuck up.

You know that about me.

I know that.

I know that one time you fell off your bike in traffic, knocking the wind out of yourself.

Do you know that?

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Damn it.

Story number five belongs to

Big Jay Overseer.

You dumb bitch.

Oh, my God.

Canada, I don't like what Lewis does to me, so I'm going to apologize to you for the way I just looked at you and talked you out of getting points.

I feel terrible about it.

Oh, she's pulling the plug.

That's probably a good move.

Yeah, I mean, she fell.

I think that was happening.

Have a good one.

She left.

Oh, shit.

Oh, was it all the sexual harassment?

No.

No, that was.

It was on account of the drugs, I think.

It was not at all.

It was.

Yeah.

It was the nipple rings made out of kettlebell.

Hang on.

Yeah, the K-hole was the door.

It was the reason.

Let the door close.

The

Jash closed the door?

The

methadone clinic closes the thing.

That was crazy.

We talked about her nipple rings, and she was not okay the rest of the time.

She also went to the bathroom 47 times in the first half of the show.

Kratom is one hell of a drug.

This lady wants to be friends with her, and it wasn't going great.

No, no, it isn't first.

Oh, she's like, should we move people up into the front?

I mean, these are two front row seats.

It's on camera view.

I think we should.

Anybody else have nipple rings or want to show their pussy?

Come on up here, man.

Show those nipple rings.

Come on.

Come on now.

Fill it up and ask those nipple rings.

Here's the thing, Gal.

Are you on

ear?

It doesn't matter.

No, no, yeah, go ahead.

Are you on heroin too?

Here's the promise.

You guys aren't wearing a skirt, so we can't see your puzzy.

You know what?

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

She's hot, dude.

It's a hot.

Are you Asian?

Are you Mexican?

I can never tell.

Vietnamese.

I'm Mexican, Asian.

You're Mexican?

Vietnamese.

Filipinan.

Filipino.

Oh, the Mexican.

I said Filipinan.

Now it's a friendship.

There you go.

Filipina and Mexico.

both enjoy a good donkey show.

Both

zero age limit on getting sex change work.

Also, very, very low ages of consent in both those countries.

Low ages of consent.

You can put a baby in a family member.

Come on now.

The Philippines.

Your parents met on a rickshaw.

The Philippines.

Statistically, one of you has to be a nurse.

Damn.

Oh, every night, dinner, your dinner food still has faces on it.

Philippines.

Philippines.

Wait, have we not voted?

Yeah, we did.

We did.

We're our points at.

That's where we're at.

Alex, where are points at?

All right.

After story number five.

Oh, I didn't tell the story is what it was.

Oh, sorry, please.

And we got it.

I once drove a bike in traffic, knocking the wind out of myself.

And then I was...

No, I fucking went.

It was going in the chat.

I thought I was going to make like a light.

And then when I realized I wasn't, I like hit the brakes hard and then hit like a curb or something and went forward on the bike.

So it just whaled me in the chest.

And I, and there was so, it was, it was like

windows down weather for sure enough that people were like out there.

And I went,

and I cry, walked it back.

It's the worst look.

I should have got back on the bike and like wheezed road home, but I slowly went by every car going,

help,

something's wrong.

Is this forever?

How old were you?

45,

22 years old.

This was last time.

I was coming back from college.

Not young, like 17?

Yeah.

Buddy, it hurt.

I got fucked up on this thing.

I didn't want anybody to know.

I was like, I think I had to go to the hospital for real, but I can't let anybody see me sit on the ground and cry.

I think I saw you on the West Side Aisle.

It's very possible.

Alex, where are our points at?

Five stories in.

All right.

On the scoreboard, in last place with zero points.

No Eli on.

Do we have to rub it in every round?

Noel, if you'd give me the opportunity, I would rub it in.

Oh,

okay.

Get it?

But only with his right hand.

He's uncoordinated with his left.

Listen, it's not over.

You still have enough questions that you can win this game.

Alex.

Thank you.

In fourth place with five points.

Mike Cannon.

You're slipping, bro.

No.

It's because you're a pussy and you couldn't stick with Billie Jay.

You'd have nine points right now had you voted me because it is double points.

Damn, dude.

You know who would have really enjoyed that?

That girl who OD'd.

She's getting narcaned on the bar as we speak.

She's back alive, but she doesn't know what happened here.

Sorry, go ahead, Alex.

In third place with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Don't touch me, you fucking lying piece of shit.

In second place with 10 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Smattering of a pause.

Did this guy just nuzzle in?

Did he just come in?

Is it my boyfriend?

That is your boy.

Okay.

I thought some dude just weirded you out.

He goes, no one's going to take the bait.

What's up there, mama?

Hey, you want me to bring your family over here on a pontoon boat?

Alex.

And in the lead with 12 points, Kevin Clancy.

That's a good score.

Fuck.

I'm catching up, Kevin.

That's a good score.

Kevin's like silent and deadly in the corner.

He's killing it.

Yeah, you're stinking.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number six.

There's eight total?

Eight total total?

Yeah.

Story number six.

I fell for what I thought was going to be a $100,000 opportunity.

It was taken away from me, and my life hasn't been the same since.

I'm going to say Canon because

he went prematurely gray, which means life turned around young.

He got out of college.

They were like, you're going to play in Turkey for $100,000.

And then you fucking twisted your ankle or something.

Yeah, Canon, you're not just great.

You're like gray, like you went to a haunted house and fell asleep there.

And then you walked out of it the next day, like this.

I am specter.

Yeah, you have an inexplicable three hours of your life that you are unaccounted for.

And you just came home different with gray hair.

I also kind of feel like it's candid.

I'll tell you why, because I feel like out of everyone offers.

I've got to earn $100,000 for anything.

Yes, and I think that you're so poor that it changed your life.

What

he thought it was going to be.

Because it didn't come through, it changed their life.

What sport did you play?

I played basketball.

Really?

Yeah.

I have a small cock.

She just checked out your cock.

She's like, that ain't a basketball penis cock.

Oh, you must be able to fly with that tiny penis not holding you down to the earth.

Can you do flips before you dunk like the Globetrotters?

Do you think a big dick for like, you know, like, like, shavers will like swim their legs, or swimmers will shave their legs?

Yeah.

Shavers and shavers their legs.

Shavers also swim their legs.

Do you think that a big dick like slows you down on the water or does it act as like a rubber?

To cut you through the water.

That's why that tricker was so good.

Yeah, if you backstroke, it's like a fucking fin.

Slice it through the water.

You guys probably don't know about a lot about nautical shit, but

slice it through your big fat dickle slice.

Yeah,

I don't think that Noelle has ever really had anything taken away from her.

She's just

Noelle has been offered several hundred thousand dollar opportunities.

She's taken some, she hasn't taken some.

She turned some down for the hell of it.

That's why I think it's her because I think she was offered $100,000, lost it, and was immediately offered $300,000.

Yeah, this wasn't about the opportunities we took.

Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, Kevin's been in the fucking business a little while.

I feel like that wouldn't change his life.

So here's the thing.

We all work in the business, right?

It's like one of these young comic things.

You think you're going to get a TV show.

You think you have a pilot.

You go through multiple rounds.

You get fucked in the end.

It doesn't happen.

A lot of people have that story, but I believe that this is.

You'd be wrong.

Mike.

I think that's a lot of fun.

Wait, before we before we jump on this please let me tell you something about this piece of shit

i'm great at the game just bought a house homeowner now fantastic

as of today

and the emotion i saw in him today was life-changing because these are the amounts of money that would change everything for lewis forever And I think Lewis thought he was getting a hundred thousand dollar opportunity, and that would take, that would fuck you up.

That would set you on a path.

No, no, no.

I think this is a while back, and that's what set you on a path to start your own network and all this goofy shit you do.

Yeah, where aren't you?

You were going to LA with Nate.

I was going to LA with Nate, and that would have been a multi-million dollar opportunity that I fucked up.

Lewis would have been running his carnival rides at Nate Lamb.

Oh, my God, dude.

Could you imagine a Nate?

Could you imagine a Nate-friendly, clean Lewis?

How great would that be?

I would love it.

Oh, that'd be so good.

Hey, guys ever go to a bathroom and realize someone didn't wash their hands?

Stories are all I used to open for Nate, and he would tell me, he'd be like, man, just be clean.

That's all you got to do is be clean.

It would be great.

And all I would do is I would just omit, like, fuck.

But I would still be like, so anyway, there I was.

I was effing this bitch in her ass.

No, you hear me.

I'm clean.

It's clean.

Did you ever have sex with a baby?

And then I ejaculated on its butt, on its tussy,

comedy.

Please.

Yeah, I'm getting Mike Cannon vibes on this.

I'm now getting you because I think you're throwing it off because you do great.

You do well for yourself.

And this does seem kind of like small potatoes for you.

Lewis, I'm voting for Mike Cannon.

If it's you, we're back on the pontoon boat.

If it's you,

I'll go back on the pontoon boat.

Just like that.

Yeah,

I'm reading cannon on the story all day.

Young comic, young comic, desperate for the opportunities.

Kevin's been in the barstool.

He's not a comic.

He don't give a shit about those things.

Noel has gotten all the opportunities.

I mean, this also could be Big J.

Big J, ooh.

But that's even more.

Big J.

$100,000 opportunity.

No, but I remember years ago, before you had the bonfire, they did a test show on Sirius XM with Big J, and he was offered $40,000 a year.

That was the number that was on the table, and it got taken away from him.

First of all,

he finished to be a co-host on the Dan Soder show.

That is true.

$40,000 per year.

I remember this.

This is the number.

And he didn't get it.

And he cried on a podcast about it because he thought it was life-changing money.

Yeah, I sure did.

Looks like old silly Billy strikes again.

Oh, man.

Noel, I convinced Noel.

Oh, no, what?

Oh, fuck.

Alex, all of her answers are in.

Story number six belongs to

Mike Cannon.

He's a crazy.

I was pretty sure.

Of that one, because that one's on me.

Yeah, that was

two and a half years ago.

Kevin offered me a job on Barstool.

It was me.

It was true.

I was the opportunity that was taken away.

And I have not slept since, and this is going to restart it all.

And I feel so fucking tired.

Was it you offered it to him?

And then somebody above you said he was going to be able to do it.

He just bought the company back for $1.

And he was like, I hate comedians.

That's it.

I came inside my wife for a second child because of this offer.

This story is fucking meta.

This is meta.

Hold on, you say an offer now.

Bring me this.

It was an offer on the table.

Like, dude, not only the offer, you went through the negotiations.

It was all the way to the literal signing date.

And then you got there to sign?

No, it was like coming.

Dave Porton ordered us, he hired a slice of pizza instead of you.

But, like, the best pizza.

The best pizza.

Like, the best pizza little falls New Jersey has to offer.

Am I right?

It had no flop.

Question: Did you know Kevin was going to be on the show?

Yeah.

Okay.

Son of a bitch.

Is that why you wrote this to rehash this here?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, because I'm asking no.

That's what you're doing.

By the way, do you know how?

There's a wonderful passive aggressiveness to, I fell for.

Like, oh, clearly I was duped.

Oh, dipshit Cannon.

Thomas to do a job and turn his life around, take care of his family, huh?

Ah, that's what you get for being a good guy, right?

Kevin, did you know that this was Cannon's story?

And what are you talking about?

Like, no fucking dip.

As soon as you read it, you're like, fuck.

He literally goes,

oh, I can't wait to watch back and see that.

Bro, I didn't say a word.

I just went, Mike, and put it down.

Oh, fuck, dude.

It actually is.

Oh, it's terrible.

I wanted to build out a whole comedy branch of Barstool.

And we were...

Like everybody in my podcast world was in agreement that Mike would be a perfect fit.

He's great guy.

He's very funny.

And we're going to put a battery in his back.

And, and then, uh, like, you're crushing him all over again.

I said, this is going to be the show that is going to make my Canada household name.

And then Dave Portnoy came in and said, like, nah, dude, I got to review a slice of Domino's deep dish.

They're putting pepperoni on it now.

That's pretty cool.

I'm going to pay the slice of pizza

$120,000 a year.

The amount of times.

It means the money is laughable to me either way.

To Port Noah, $100,000 is like 10 cents to any of us at this table.

He could have a business.

He could have bought you that much.

He could have taken it out of his pocket in cash and been like, here you go, Mike.

If they would make a million-dollar bill, I would ask seven of my friends for that bill.

I'd be like, hey, can I just get a quick million?

Oh, yeah, one bill.

One bill is easy.

Yeah.

Like, now you need to get him a new interview.

I think there was almost a moment.

Maybe I'm wrong.

I think you, like, when Dave bought it back, there was like a text that was like, hey, does this mean anything?

Like, for I was like, oh, yeah, it does.

It's probably all gone.

Portnoy's the man, right?

He probably wants me to be a part of the family.

He, Lego, like, actually, only you specifically know.

Verbatim, Dave Portnoy, so many times has said, I don't get comedy.

I don't like stand-up comedy.

And I was like, well, I'm trying to sign a comedian to your.

Well, why don't we tell him to figure out what's going on in Palestine?

Yeah.

Palestine.

Palestine.

Palestine.

Like, that's how little I care about being Jewish.

Palestine.

All my grandparents are dead.

Palestine.

You know how

it sounds like a Jewish place, like Palestine.

Steinberg.

Oh, Palaceburg.

By the way, you know how spiteful you have to be to just sacrifice Story War points just to stick it to me?

Just gave me extra points, you son of a bitch.

Alex, where are our points at?

He's going to go to bed now.

He's going to go with the best.

Honey, I did it.

Man, it was great.

Putting a third one in your nap.

It was a hundred thousand dollar story.

It felt better than our child being born.

Not the one we can't afford because of the deal falling through, but the one we had.

Alex, six stories are in.

Where are our points at?

All right.

After six stories, in last place with zero points.

No Eli on

Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.

In fourth place with seven points,

Mike Cannon.

It was worth it.

Worth it.

More than worth it.

In third place with ten points, Big Jay Oakerson.

I just realized my book is Why Portnoy Why?

Dude, the conversation with your wife and child having a situation goes, hey, babe,

do me a favor, call the car dealership and tell them we're going to have to dial back to an Altima.

God damn it.

Alex.

In second place with 14 points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Hey, baby, return the fur coat.

No, dude, I promise you there's going to be another opportunity.

I'll get you that curved coat, baby.

I promise you.

This reminds me that it's a wonderful life.

I will be on a bridge later.

Oh, my God.

I'm such a fool.

I was like, oh, good.

Cannon's on a show with me.

We're buddies.

I can't wait to do this show with Mike Cannon.

Motherfucker.

This doesn't make up for changing everything in his life forever.

Alex.

And in the lead with 16 points.

Kevin Clancy.

Great.

Victory.

Must taste sweet

when you don't know the pain of having to sleep on a couch for three years since this whole thing fell to pieces.

Fuck me.

Alex Heathporton only paid $1 for his company and levels Cannon's life.

Oh, but the Wayne Ale House does have good pizza, and he was right about that.

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Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

When I was a kid, I was playing in a large pile of leaves that had been raked up for over an hour before realizing that there were multiple piles of dog shit in the leaves.

I was covered head to toe in shit.

Does it make sense that I feel like this is like this story happened to Lewis, but he's not aware of it?

What's that smell?

Ah, somebody rolled it shit.

What is that?

I can also, I see this being the vibe that I'm getting.

I've been crushing it tonight.

I've been very on point tonight.

You're second.

Kevin's played a perfect fucking game.

Okay.

And he destroyed my friend Mike's soul.

It's me crushing Mike's soul.

That's me crushing tonight.

You have put permanent tension in our relationships, friends.

No, I'm getting Noel vibes right now.

This is like a cute chick story.

You're playing in leaves when you're a kid.

Not to mention, a girl would tell a story because you'd go, ew, Noel, you were covered in shit.

And you go, would still.

Wood still.

When Alex was done with half the sentence, Noel goes,

oh,

no one's going to think it's me covered in shit.

Yeah, I'm getting Noel vibes.

Where did you grow up when you were a kid?

Where were you living?

Great point.

No comment.

I am studying.

You can't say no.

She's like, i lived where there are a pile of leaves i lived where there are shitty piles of trees noelle the junkie who had to leave could have played this game better than you did

she'll be like just say a beach yeah she goes

vote for billy you'll get points eventually

If you vote for Billy every time, you'll eventually get points.

If there's double points, you'll get four.

Can I say that there has been nobody in the history of the game that has gotten zero points?

Wow.

We've said that.

It's as difficult to play a perfect game as it is to never get one point.

It's as depressing.

I'm not over that.

I mean,

there's no way you're getting points this round, Noel.

This is crazy.

Noel, is this you?

No comments.

Say no.

Just say no.

No.

Noel.

Say the beginning of your name.

No, take it.

Oh, no.

Jesus Christ.

Kevin.

Oh, shit, arms, Kevin.

Oh, man.

Alex.

This story belongs to

Lewis J.

Well, you're lying.

You would have told me about your fucking Dookie Day story.

The Reddit threads are going to go wild with that one.

I mean, he was just fucking that girl and cheated.

He put it together.

Dude, you just visualized me in the shit.

We did.

Noel, can you once say it wasn't me?

Instead of accepting full responsibility, he goes, I'm not going to answer that.

Then you'll know it was me in the shit.

Yeah, I was just playing at my friend Mike's house.

There's not much more to the story.

We were rolling around the leaves and punching them back up.

I bet it was like a full hour of like piling them back up.

They're like, let's jump back in.

We dive in, come up.

And then literally, after a little, I was like, what is that fucking smell, dude?

Must be my fucking gay ass friend.

Dude, there was

shit everywhere.

Like, I was literally on my face, on my head, on my back, on my clothes, everywhere.

I threw out the clothes.

I didn't even wash them.

Noelle also celebrated like she guessed correctly.

Noelle has no idea what's going on right now.

I still have zero.

She's puzzled by the entire thing.

Alex, seven stories down.

Where are our points at?

I just pulled ahead pretty fucking hard, boys.

God damn.

In last place with zero points.

Noelle, Leon.

It's a first.

It could be a first.

It could be a fucking Story Wars first tonight.

I'm excited.

You're going to win, and no one's going to care.

She's the story.

Maybe.

Damn right.

You can't be the best at something.

Be the pretty girl.

You're the fucking worst.

You can't be the best at something.

Be a pretty girl.

It doesn't hurt.

It doesn't hurt.

Alex.

In fourth place with seven points, Mike Cannon.

In third place with 10 points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Don't touch me.

Don't be touched by you.

In second place with 16 points, Kevin Clancy.

You, you shifty Puerto Rican.

And now in the lead with 22 points, Lewis Jay Gomez.

Guys,

you came on a good night.

It is anybody's game.

And by that, I mean Lewis or Kevin's game.

It couldn't possibly be anyone else's game.

And Lewis, at this point, I have to be semi-rooting for you to keep in our library.

Why, Gary, why?

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That woman does not like the book.

We have one more story.

Final story of the night.

Folks, you guys ready for the final story?

Come on.

Alex,

story Story number eight.

Story number eight.

I fell down a well.

Like straight out of an episode of 1950s TV, I was stuck in a well.

So how about straight out of the episode of baby Jessica who actually fell down a well in the 1980s?

This happened before.

Well, finish the story, Alex.

I fell down a well.

Like straight out of an episode of 1950s TV, I was stuck in a well.

All right.

Well, who here grew up on the frontier?

I've never seen a well.

I don't even know what a well is.

Where'd you grow up?

A prairie.

Ain't you from me already?

There are not.

There are no wells in the world.

I grew up on a prairie.

Yeah, West Philadelphia.

The well capital of Pennsylvania.

There's a well outside of Yankee Stadium.

How do you sew a well, really?

Like, what's the you have to be blindfolded and walking around

and also thin enough to fit down said well.

Who has seen a well?

I've seen a well.

I've seen a well.

In like a movie, I've seen the rain.

No, who's that girlfriend in high school who you her house was uh her double-wide trailer was on well water, which turned her blonde hair rusty orange.

Oh,

she had uh, she was hot, though.

Besides that, though, hot.

Where did you grow up?

San Francisco.

San Francisco.

I moved to New York to lose the Valley Girl accent.

Her name is Noel.

Her name's a Palindrano.

San Francisco, there is No Wells.

Are No Wells.

Your name's a Palindrome front to back, right?

Noel Leon.

Leon Noel.

But it rhymes with.

Jay, stop trying to fucking get her to like you.

She thinks your name's Billy, dude.

Hey, he knows your name frontwards and backwards.

You don't even know his name.

You want to to come over to Billy's house and see a

currently power-malfunctioning wine refrigerator?

I mean, all right.

Something's wrong with you.

You grew up in the Bronx?

Yeah, where are you from?

I grew up in Rockland County, New York.

Yeah, but you too, right?

Yeah, yeah.

There's a little like

well in Havestra.

No wells in Havestra, no.

There's no running water in Havestra.

Right, you have to use wells.

For sure, there's wells.

This is.

Wait, there's no...

Havestraw is where he's from?

Yeah.

I feel like you guys did some some like drinking in the woods type shit.

Yeah, that was the place we grew up.

Very suburban, very like.

I think you've gone on like a vacation.

Where the wells are.

Where have I gone on vacation?

Yeah.

Where there's wells?

I don't know.

Do you guys realize

if we all vote for Noel, there's no chance she can get points

unless it's not her and she, for the first time tonight, guesses one of the other four people it is.

It could be the first zero ever.

I'll be playing the game so she can get a zero.

I think it's Noel.

Who falls in a fucking well?

It's always a girl.

Baby.

Baby Noel.

Baby Noel.

That's why she's well known in her town in San Francisco.

You know this like allegory of the guy, like some guy who wins in a well.

It's from like Noel.

Yeah.

Is this your story?

I like Noel trying to figure out sentences.

Guys, wells are

relative.

They just love.

See, I'm actually a writer for a bunch of things, but I believe it.

Don't form sentences in real life.

You better on the written word, the written page.

The written page.

My brain is 80 days.

This is how hot she is, though.

She's never written a TV show.

It's just some rich dude being like, yeah, babe, we're going to put this on.

He just tells her, she wrote up,

he goes, babe, you just wrote the new season of Kirby Enthusiasm.

I did.

I just texted you, I miss you.

He's like, I know, babe, and I was able to turn that into

10 solid episodes.

He's like, oh my God, I'm

a TV writer.

I'm a fucking muse.

I'm getting Noel vibes on this.

Yes.

I feel like Noel could fall down a well.

Yeah.

You're the only human here who would fit down a well.

No, I mean, wells can be down.

Wells can be pretty big.

Oh.

Sounds like he knows someones.

I've heard a lot about Wells.

That sounds like someone who knows Wells.

the size of Wells.

Wells can have a.

She's like, I filled in a Fleischmann model, which is actually more of a narrow barrel leading to

a city reservoir.

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

The Bronx, you don't think of Wells and the Bronx, but I don't know what's going on here.

Kevin seems like he's in a little bit of a nervous energy right now.

He's fidgeting.

He's fidgeting a lot.

He's fidgeting a lot.

He's cutting off my theory right now.

He's getting nervous and I'm going to start convincing everyone.

So immediately trying to throw to somebody else.

I forget.

If it was Kevin, I think it was three months ago.

I think he's from the Bronx.

He bought a house.

He's confused about his whereabouts, and he fell on a fucking well.

He's like, Batman.

He has no idea.

And ever since then, he's been possessed by the spirit of an underground puma.

This feels to me like a Rockland County.

That seems very plausible for Rockland County.

You guys were quick to be like, there's no wells in Rockland County.

There definitely are wells in Rockland County.

It's the suburbs, for sure.

Oh, yeah, there's wells.

There's probably, yeah, I guess in the woods.

Yeah, there's no wells in Havastra.

No wells in Havishro, but you go to Stony Point, you go to Little Tompkins Cove.

Yeah, that might be a thing.

You were from Havishroll and then you came over to fucking well land over in Rockland.

And before you know it, you're like, what is this thing?

Can I go down it?

And then you fell into it.

What is this?

1950s TV?

Yeah.

I'm not going to fall in this thing.

What is this?

Fucking Andy of Mayberry?

Oh, yeah.

Wait, who would say that

straight out of an episode of a 1950s TV?

who would make that comparison?

A successful television writer?

No, we can't.

I think that's Kevin Lagoon for that.

Kevin or Noel?

God damn it, Kevin, just no.

If you do that, you're going to give Noel a boring-ass one point.

I am interested in that, but you need everyone to go along with that.

You're okay.

The fact that we're not all aligning for a zero here is insane.

I have fucking integrity, dude.

Kevin Clancy, that's my answer.

Fuck.

I can't believe.

Lewis, if you let Kevin Clancy take home my fart napkin,

she said, Kevin, which makes me believe she doesn't believe in that for real.

Alex, all the answers are in.

Oh, if it's me or Big Jay, we just clicked.

Final story?

Story number eight belongs to

Kevin Clancy.

The serendipity that it's No Well is fucking unbelievable.

She gets on the board with No Well

through the fucking water.

So what happened here?

That's crazy.

Big J nailed it, man.

A couple months ago, I bought my house and I fell down the fucking wall.

I'm like, ah.

Nailed it.

I don't know what was more on point.

Mike's story or your story?

What is this Fakakta thing?

Should I go ass first down it?

Bro, there was.

Well, how'd you fall down the wall?

How deep was the well?

It was like, there was a piece of wood over it that I thought I could stand on, but it was open and rotten.

Yeah, legit.

I stepped on it, went boom, and fell through.

The The only thing that saved me was I hit like a, I guess like a two by four was kind of going across it.

So I like, boom, landed on that.

Otherwise, I would have probably been like.

I hit a family that was living down there.

I would have been like eight feet underwater in a fucking well.

And no, like I would have been absolutely stuck.

The only thing that saved me was landing on a two by four that just ripped my shit apart.

But otherwise, I was all by myself.

I would have had to be in a well be like, help me.

He had a

colleague that can go and can help.

What is it, girl?

What is it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kevin's falling down the well.

Kevin's wife's like, I don't speak dog.

What?

Yeah, no, I don't know.

Now,

is it food?

I gave you food.

You suck.

How long were you stuck in the well?

No, I mean, the wood that I landed on saved me.

I was able to kind of get out of it, but otherwise, I would have really been by myself.

I just feel the news cameras go out there.

We're on hour 42 of baby Kevin.

I was, yeah, I was a 39-year-old man stuck in a well.

Unbelievable.

You know what?

I'm happy, though, that you got some points at this point, Noelle.

And I'll tell you why.

It would have really sucked for that woman to die an OD death foaming in the mouth in a yellow cab, knowing that she missed the only zero points in the entire history of Story Wars.

So I'm happy.

I haven't seen Silence of the Lambs, but there was a well in Silence of the Lambs, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Noelle.

Did she get stuck in the well?

Noelle, you're pretty and dippy enough.

You'll see the inside of a well eventually.

You'll help a stranger move a couch

inconceivably.

And then I'll remember this episode of Story Words and scream.

If you walk by Kevin crawling out of the well, he looked like the fucking ring.

She dies in seven days.

Seven days.

That was our final story.

Kevin, you're going to have your contract in seven days.

We're just tying up the loose ends.

We just got to knock the I's and cross the T's.

It's getting late.

I have to get home to my son, Barstool.

Oh,

God damn, dude, that sucks so much.

Your son, who has to share a room with his brother, and you and your wife.

Alex, what is our final score looking like?

What a great show.

Fun times.

I think I know who won, but make it official.

All right.

Our final score is in last place with four points, Noel Leon.

In fourth place with seven points, Mike Cannon.

Cannon hasn't scored a point since round two.

That was crazy.

Yeah, that was bad.

It was all worth it.

In third place with 10 points, Big Jay Okerson.

Big Jay.

Big Jay Okerson.

Play.

Second place

scored 20 points.

And your winner with 26 points.

Louis Jay Gomez.

Oh.

Alex.

Why don't you say Louis Jay Gomez asterisk Alex Scarlatto because you help him every week?

Because I would never.

She would never.

She has integrity.

That's That's true.

She has integrity.

She has no integrity.

She let Mike Harrington put Cumminside in her.

That is true.

He's a good guy.

He's a great guy.

He's a great guy.

He's a good guy.

He's a great guy.

He's a good guy.

He's a great guy.

Great father.

Good guy back in with a good guy.

Great husband.

Alex, I don't have an argument against that.

Good guy.

He's a good guy.

Well, that was it.

I get the fart.

She didn't even say

that.

Can I get the fart napkin as a constitution prize, second place?

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, where's the fart napkin?

That's a framer.

Absolutely.

That's where the fart napkin go.

Can you write it on another one?

I'll sign it too.

Fartnapkin is gone, but you know what?

You guys are incredible.

Guys, one more time for our entire panel of guests tonight.

Noel Leon,

Mike Cannon, Kevin Clancy.

If you guys want to enjoy Story Wars Live, we are here every Wednesday night at the New York Comedy Club, Grammar C, 7.45 p.m.

The tickets sell out every week, so make sure you get them in advance.

I am Louis J.

Gomez.

They would have made it to the Methadone Clinic if they made it to the end of the show.

He is the

B.J.

Ogerson.

Until next time, thank you, Story Warriors.

Good night.