061. Robert Kelly, Paul Virzi, Sean Donnelly | Sickness

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Pick J Olgerson and Lewis J.

Gomez.

What is up?

Thank you guys for coming to Story Wars at our brand new home, the New York Comedy Club.

Make some fucking noise in this place.

Hell yeah.

Another sold-out show here on a Wednesday night in New York City.

If you're ever in the area, please drop by to the New York Comedy Club Midtown.

I'm very excited about today's show, Jay.

We have a fantastic show.

We always ask this of every crowd, how many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

Okay.

Not as many as usual.

Who's not familiar with Story Wars?

What's going on here?

Why would you come?

Are some people undecided?

I thought that wasn't everybody.

I don't know.

I'm sort of familiar with it.

Well, we will explain the game if you're a first-timer shortly after we get our three other contestants up here on the stage.

Our first contestant, you know him from the Burbs Bros podcast, and he has a special fun to watch available on YouTube.

How about it for the hilarious Sean Donnelly?

Sean, Sean Donnelly, Sean Sean Sean Sean Sean Donnelly Sean Sean Sean Sean Donnelly Sean Sean Sean Sean Donnelly

Hello everybody, how are you?

Making a Story Wars debut tonight Sean Donnelly.

Very excited.

Holy shit.

Never played the game before.

Holy shit, the drummer from Corn just showed up.

What's up, doggy?

Okay, your next competitor on today's show.

It's going to be one of those nights.

Okay,

you know him from his brand new special, Reasonable Man, available right now on YouTube.

Clap it up for the one and only, Paul Versey.

What's up, what's up, what's up, everybody?

Evie!

What's up, guys?

What's up, Paul?

Happy to have you.

Another first-timer here.

Yes.

Two first-timers in the show, which means

our third and final contestant is a returning story warrior.

You know him from a special killbox available on YouTube.

You know him from You Know What Dude podcast, The Regs, and of course, my work husband at the bonfire makes noise for the great Robert Kelly in the house.

Robert Kelly, Robert Kelly, Robert Kelly, Robert Kelly, Robert Kelly, Robert Kelly.

Now, Bobby, you have won Story Wars in the past.

You are defending your title tonight.

Double points.

You don't get them doing a top.

I'm just letting these guys know what's at stake.

You understand?

I do.

I do.

It's power.

I have no idea what that means, but they love it.

You guys all look like the same video game character that I dress differently.

You're early in a grand theft auto wardrobe.

We shouldn't be sitting next to each other.

We had them eat for an entire half a day.

It looks like the evolution of Sean transitions.

I'm the okay.

It was very woke of you.

Thanks.

What's up?

Oh, what's up?

Yes, my drinks.

I'm going to need it.

This crowd of feels a little tight.

They'll get it.

They will get it.

If you are not familiar with the game Story Wars in the Room, or if you're your first time listening at home, it's a very, very simple game.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject, Lewis?

Sickness.

Get down with the sickness.

This guy's so excited about our topic.

Why are we clapping about sickness?

Because you're a good audience member, you cocksucker.

Yeah, he goes,

why are we laughing, having a good time?

Let's get out of here.

It's because he looks like a doctor from the Wild West.

I deserve more.

They loosen, Bobby.

They're warming up.

Take your shoes.

Takes a second.

Don't worry.

This crowd's going to be fantastic.

I know it.

We have also.

These two women in the corner are

mourning the death of Charlie Kirk right now.

Hey, girls.

Sorry.

These Republican bitches in the corner are fucking.

I really do like Charlie.

We'll add it that out from the YouTube one.

I bet both of those ladies have a bikini that's the American flag.

A thousand percent.

Good for them.

And the one nodded, and the other one thought if she threw hers away, yeah.

All of us have submitted three to five stories in the subject sickness.

Our lovely producer, Alexandra, is going to be reading those off one at a time, eight of those stories in no particular order at all.

And if it's your story, it is your job to fool everybody that it is not your story.

If

it is not your story, it's your job.

to guess whose story it is.

And for every person you fool, you get one point.

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

It sounds more confusing than it is.

You guys will get it.

That was mostly my fault.

Jay was very confused himself.

Once you write the name of your guests on the drive race board, put it in the slot, remove your hand.

That's it.

That's your final answer.

You can't change it.

And I'll tell you right now, guys, Story Wars is fun.

We always play for fun, but that's not all we're playing for.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

Every week here at Story Wars, we are playing for a book from the Story Wars library today.

A great honor.

Today's winner goes home

with Queenie by Candace Cardi Williams, creator of Sex in the City.

It's a story that follows Queenie Jenkins, a 25-year-old Jamaican British woman.

I gotta go to my car real quick.

I'll be out.

Fuck.

A little cash.

A 25-year-old Jamaican British woman in London who finds herself straddling between two cultures.

She works at a national newspaper where her voice is often dismissed as she compares herself to her white middle-class peers.

All the while, Queenie is navigating painful breakups with her long-term boyfriend in this must-read novel about womanhood, sex, and the friendships that get us all through.

Queenie, by Candice Cody Williams.

Half this crowd just became pro-burning books.

I actually already have this book, but I'd love another.

You have the book on tape.

You write Queenie fan fiction.

I think everybody understands, at least if they're going to, they've already got it.

If they don't, they'll get it.

Without any further ado, Alex.

Are we ready for war?

I forgot they asked the crowd if they're ready for war.

Okay, we should have moved on.

You're off today.

You're off today, and I'm not trying to point it out.

You just did, though.

Sorry.

Can you ask them if they're ready for war?

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war?

Are you ready for war?

Yeah, that's good.

Oh, oh, the thing was great.

Oh, you're picking up the slack.

Hand turkey.

Hand turkey.

Alex, story number one.

Story number one.

A girl once told me she had an STD, so I should only have anal sex with her.

Turns out, the STD lives in the butt, too.

That was poetic.

But I got to tell you, something weird.

Versey just looked through my soul, through my eyes.

That was crazy.

I looked over the demo and Versey went, he almost gave me like a, I know it's you, but I won't say anything.

No, it's between two.

I know who it is.

It's between two, but I know who it is.

So what do you think?

Which two?

It's Jay or Bobby.

Why fucking me?

I've been married for fucking 20 years, a piece of shit.

No, but you're into anal shit, I think.

Yeah, on me, not with women.

I like it on me.

And I don't have herpes in my ass.

STDs were in assholes, though, back when you were doing this stuff.

The way she wrote their assets.

I feel like in modern-day society, these STDs do not live in assholes.

Bobby is 71 years old.

That's why that joke worked with me.

Old-timey STDs.

And by the way, no offense to you.

I'm not saying that you're not.

You don't think I get lame, but you know,

you don't look like a dude that's like, I'm putting your ass.

You don't look.

Why?

Because I look super Catholic.

I'm not going to let him bully you like that, dude.

I think you butt-fuck plenty, bro.

I bet you butt-fuck so much.

I'm a fucking machine.

Yeah, dude.

Sean Donnelly looks like he has scurvy.

And I call it butt-fucking.

Thanks, guys.

I know it's not Versey because Versey pukes if there's like an ingrown pube hair on the vagina.

Well, no one loves that.

I actually, I think

Verzi is right.

I think it's either Bobby or Big J.

We know it's you.

Says Lewis, who it probably is.

No, I give the STDs.

I don't get them.

That's you.

That is.

I think it doesn't work that way.

Well, you had to get it from somewhere.

Oh, man.

Sounds like it might have been this girl's shut.

The way this story is written, it makes it sound like it's a Keebler elf.

Just like he lives in the butt, too?

Somewhere in the forest.

there's a magical STD.

It's not Lewis because he used STD, and Lewis doesn't use acronyms.

He would say, you know, herpes or AIDS.

Also, by the way, it's STI now.

They took disease out, so this seems like an old thing.

Is that fun?

Didn't it?

Yes, it is, Bobby.

Is it I now?

I thought an STI and STD were different things.

Oh, dude.

No.

They just changed it.

They got a DWI and a DUI.

No, it's better than marketing.

So now the fucking infection.

Well, it's better marketing because infection sounds like you can cure it, and disease sounds like you got it forever.

No, it's definitely Lewis.

Look, Lives in the Button had the terminology correctly.

Lives in the butt is the language that's making me think that this is Big Jay.

It's a Bobby-type story, but it's Big J wording on this story.

Lewis is talking way too much.

It might be him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lives in the butt is my life.

Yes.

And Lou.

First of all, Jay and Verzi.

Germaphobes.

I mean,

homophobes.

Oh, that's right.

You're right.

I apologize.

They hate poopophobes.

But I think gay people are germs.

No, both of them are homophobes.

They're germophobes.

They hate, they hate poop and anything, and they take nine showers a day.

You think not like you're like poop.

I love poop.

Who likes to go, let's get anal, but make it shitty?

Who does that?

I'm just saying, if you do anal, shit's going to get on something.

That's where shit comes from.

And also, when

once your dick is hard, and a girl says, put it in my ass, you just do it.

Okay.

And then you

And then you don't, you got questions.

Where did you eat?

When did you shit?

Yes, you do.

Then you

shit.

Yeah.

You got questions.

Do you have a bidet?

What's going on?

And then when you're done, Lewis, I'm with you.

Then you pinch the poop out of your helmet like a Play-Doh thing, right?

I think if the girl tells you to fucking.

It's Bobby.

It's fucking Bobby.

Can I write?

When can I write?

All right, I'm going to get the vote going.

I think I agree with Verzi on this.

I think it's Big J language, the Bobby story, STD.

It's an old-timey turn.

No, you made up the Big J language thing.

Big J's language, we all agree with it.

Everyone here is in agreeance on this.

The great Bobby Kelly,

story warrior, my brother.

That's my vote.

I'm changing it now.

I got mine.

You son of a bitch.

You're slick.

You're slick.

You controlled that whole conversation.

Paul Versey votes for Big J for the audio listeners at home.

Bobby Kelly, holding on to his pen, chewing his.

Whenever someone votes for you, and it's not you, you just want to vote for them it's like an internal anger you're like well I don't think it is Paul but

Bobby what are you waiting for I think

why are you waiting for me now I think it's you I was gonna vote by the way I'm starting to write Lewis and now you're waiting for me makes me think it's you

maybe that's as a story warrior that's how I roll it's a technique it's my technique this is like the grossest price is right rule it's not me it's not me you would have known if I had some type of shit what

Well, here's the thing.

The interesting part, can I say something really quickly?

They don't say that they fucked in the story.

Not yet.

Whatever.

So, that's interesting.

Am I allowed to say that?

You're right.

You know what I mean?

Both of you.

The lady just said just turned into a Sherlock Holmes anal.

Lewis, is this you?

No.

Jay, it's not me.

Don't waste your book.

You know, I want you to win this book, Jay.

You wouldn't sell that often.

Just one more thing.

He didn't technically put it in her ass.

Bobby, if you hurt me, if you hurt me, I'm going to be hurt.

I'm going to tell you right now, I know who it is.

And it's because of the wording.

It's written.

It's written well.

Like a joke.

It's really like, if you look at it, turns out the STD lives in the butt, too.

Like a tonight show.

Like a perfect joke.

Sean Donnelly, wow.

Nobody saw that kind of work.

By the way, all those compliments, I thought you were talking about me.

I was like,

that's what I thought.

Jay,

Jay.

It's a joke.

Perfection on the page.

It made everyone here laugh.

It could only be one person.

You should have.

Sean Donnelly.

First time anybody's ever said that ever.

Jay, you should have known.

You looked at me the whole time you were saying it.

You should have known when I said in written.

Oh, yeah.

I don't write things anymore.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

All right.

Story number one belongs to

Big J.

Oh, yeah.

I fucking did it last minute.

I changed it because I saw it.

No, I saw his eyes.

I saw his eyes.

I fucking told you.

Wow.

Yes.

The STD lives in the butt, too.

That's something he would say.

I double point.

Now that you say it, I can hear you.

I don't know when I should say it.

Yeah, Good job, bro.

I got to be honest, I was worried it was going to be so hilarious it would give it away, but it was, in fact, me.

Jay, I apologize.

You're a good writer.

Thank you.

Jay, did you fuck this girl in the butt anyway?

Yes, but now here's the thing.

Now, take the word anyway is not the right.

No, I understand.

You know, now when I tell it to you, you'll remember the person.

My sister?

No.

It was a comedy club Booker's niece.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you smell her.

Her nickname was HPV.

Pep C.

No, Hep C.

Oh, Hep C, right.

Hep C.

Absolutely.

And then,

so when I hooked up with her, she was the girl with a nickname, Hep C.

No, we nicknamed her when we found out.

I thought you knew it beforehand.

Oh, it was Hep C.

It was Hep C in the butt.

It wasn't her.

I got a blowjob from AIDS.

First of all,

you can get Hep C.

Kristen AIDS.

You can get Hep C

easier in the butt and AIDS and all those things.

Turns out, but I was in there at the moment, and I thought she she was the doctor.

She seemed to have it.

So she goes, We should just do anal because I have Hep C.

And I was like, Word.

What?

And then, so I did that.

And then I went home, my iPhone one, and looked it up, and

it's in there too.

It's in the butt, also.

I don't have it.

I luckily do not have it.

That's when you had to type it.

You couldn't even go, hey, Siri.

I love you.

Yeah.

But anyway,

it is in the butt, though.

So, everyone, put that down.

All right, sick.

Alex, where are points at after one dictator?

Sickness.

All right, on the scoreboard in second place with two points, Paul Versey.

Yes.

Wait, why am I in second place?

Yeah.

Why am I in second place?

And in the lead with three points, Big J Ogerson.

Oh, because he tricked X amount of people.

Because he tricked X amount of people.

Early lead for Big Jay.

Early lead for Big Jay.

Okay, Story Warriors.

Let's take a quick moment and thank Chubbies for supporting today's show.

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All of my bathing suits and summer shorts were Chubbies.

I was showing off these juicy thighs.

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And Chubbies are not just shorts anymore.

Oh, they got to send me these joggers because they look dope.

And I'm a joggers guy now.

I've had joggers age.

Oh, yeah.

Remember when you gave me shit for wearing joggers?

Before I was wearing joggers before anyone in the crew.

Now everyone wears joggers.

You were doing it as a little young, though, if I got to be honest with you.

Premature joggers.

You were in premature joggers, but they were joggers nonetheless.

Look, they're perfect for anything you're doing in life, whether you're just trying to lounge about, look good by going out and hanging out with friends, doing comedy shows or podcasts.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

As a child, I fell seriously ill with mononucleosis, but my mother dismissed my symptoms.

I was secretly taken to the hospital by a family member where I spent a week under the care of a nurse who I still masturbate to occasionally.

It's definitely, it's Bobby or Lewis.

No.

Also, it's Sean.

Neither one of us can.

Neither one of us can spell mononucleosis.

And Lewis knows that, and

that was Lewis throwing us off the path.

He looked up how to spell mononucleosis.

I definitely played this board in Newark on Trail, I'm pretty sure.

No, the beginning starts.

No, that was dysentery.

The beginning starts too much like a novel.

As a child, I fell seriously ill.

That's fucking Sean.

Look at his fucking beard.

That's Sean.

I'm writing my ship captain memoirs.

Okay.

Lewis's mother was a fucking junkie prostitute.

Those are just facts.

Jesus.

Your mother was the local town Philly whore.

Just fucking hit the fire.

My mom fucked cops to keep a single mother household safe.

We're not going to do this.

We're not going to do this.

Hand turkey, let's stop attacking each other's moms.

We do this every week.

But anyway, your mother would ignore your mono and then

you would masturbate still to a nurse from your childhood.

All of that is above board.

I'm not arguing.

I'm just saying.

I just want to spell my name wrong.

I know who I think it is.

I think it's Bobby.

Because I think it's nostalgic and he's the oldest.

But is mono like an old, is an old-timey thing?

I think mono was when I was a kid, you would hear about mono.

No, mono, you can get it now.

It's like the kissing disease, but to know if you have a story about mono, you're probably past the age of 40.

You know what I'm saying?

Does anybody know, does mono live in the butt?

Don't have to be a doctor in the house.

Paul, how old are you?

I'm 46.

46.

Yeah, we're all in the same range, except for Bobby.

Why do you say that?

Because you're a lot older.

Your mother was a whore.

Junkie processes.

Just facts.

Sean did it.

He wrote too early.

He's got all the signs.

He's got all the signs.

Sean, look at me.

Your glasses are fogging up like you're nervous.

That's cold diabetes.

As a child, I fell sick with Manonukinos.

Now he's doubling down.

Now he's doubling down, everybody.

Yeah, damn it.

I'm starting to tell you.

Yeah, but listen, if we all vote Sean, then if it's not Sean, somebody's getting way ahead.

For sure.

I love how the crowds guess it.

That could be

trying to fucking get us.

That's a trick.

I'll see it in the mic.

You're tricking us.

Now I think it's Bobby.

Oh, shit.

I have a question.

Just know, this is because the theme is sickness.

Is anyone else feeling like a cell phone is vibrating right now?

Because I've been feeling this for about three days.

It feels like there's a cell phone in my pocket and it's not.

And it keeps on happening anytime I'm sitting here.

You think for three days we all have felt the same thing

and then somehow ended up in this room?

The cell phone is a vibration.

That's a Netflix series worthy story.

Is that some sort of disease?

What is happening?

It's called dumb.

It's mononucleosis.

Stupid.

I think I'm changing again.

Let's see.

Why are your glasses fogging up?

They're fogging up.

Because you're nervous.

Yeah, dude.

Get a hat on.

I'm going to see if Sean's tells are real tells or if there's just crazy things happening to him physiologically.

Him sweating.

He's giggling like a lunatic.

He's trying to vote Bobby really early.

God damn it.

I know it's Sean.

Story two.

Oh, dude.

I voted Sean Donnelly.

I'm changing.

I'm going though.

Robert Kelly votes for Louis J.

Gomez.

You're talking too much.

Okay.

Is that Louis plus Gomez?

Lou J.

Gomez.

Ooh.

You idiots.

Oh, wow.

Oh, it is you.

Nope.

Fools.

Better not be Sean.

I'll be so fucking pissed.

It's you.

Alex.

It's you.

All of our answers are in.

Come on.

Story number two belongs to

Robert Kelly.

No!

No!

Number one!

Number one!

You motherfuckers.

All right.

You wrote it like that, you fucking dick.

Real quick.

Real quick.

Turns out Sean's glasses pertain precipitation.

Guys, real quick, double points.

You wrote it.

You wrote it like that.

Of course, I did.

I don't know how to spell money.

We do a podcast.

I'd have to look that up.

I'd ask Dawn, then look it up again.

Chat GPT wrote that stuff.

Fuck.

So,

us about this nurse, Bobby.

She was my aunt's friend.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

She was hot, too.

She came in, and

I almost died.

And

I was in bed, and I couldn't shower or do anything.

I was so weak.

And I remember she came in.

She goes, hey, I'm just going to give you a bath.

And I thought I had to get up.

And all of a sudden, she just.

How old were you?

Oh, God, young.

What?

So young.

Fuck you.

I mean,

why did you, oh, God, like that before you said that?

Because when I jerked her.

Oh, God, I was was eight.

I think I remember it was.

Oh fuck, I was a toddler.

I remember.

Did you picture a woman's veiny hand grazing over your bald bird?

She was more close to a candy striper than a nurse.

She wasn't that old.

That's why Paul liked her.

The word candy was in it.

I remember she pulled my pants.

Hey, stop touching my dick.

Stop washing my dick and give me candy.

She pulled my pants down and she started cleaning, very gently cleaning

my penis and my balls and all that stuff.

Dude, you were molested.

Yeah.

Fucking molested.

That's not

shy.

She gently started.

No, there was a fucking pedophile in your home.

He's like,

what the fuck?

You had mono.

You don't need somebody to fucking wash your dick for you.

I'm tired.

Benjamin.

Doesn't it just make you as fucking sleepy?

God,

God, I feel weak.

I mean, she's an asshole.

I was molested.

I don't even felt.

The fuck would mono require someone to wash your little child for you?

There was a trial.

She went away.

Boston's fucked up.

Boston's fucked up.

That is crazy.

That's regular for Boston.

No, because I couldn't.

I was so weak I couldn't get out.

What was this hospital on Epstein Island?

I couldn't get out of the bed.

It was medical.

It was medical.

She had gloves on.

Does that sound awesome?

She was really hungry.

I think I need you to wash my penis, madam.

So hot.

I'm going to jerk off to the story later.

So you say to my voice memos, slow.

Alex, two stories down.

Where are our points at?

All right.

On the scoreboard, in third place,

tied with two points each.

Sean Donnelly and Paul Versey.

All right.

And in the lead tied with three points each big J Ogerson and Robert Kelly

On fire crackle crackle

What are you guys doing?

Ketamine

GHB are you guys sharing afring you fucking queers?

No, it's not that we're gonna do gay stuff with that

We're gate raping each other

all right.

I'm fucking losing right now.

What's up, Story Warriors?

Let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors, and that, of course, Turtle Beach.

What do we call it?

Electronics?

They're all things gaming, really.

Headphones.

Gaming hardware?

Gaming hardware.

That's a good thing.

But their star attraction, of course, is that Gen 3 Stealth 700 headset that has the battery.

It lasts for 80 hours.

You know, I gave these.

I've talked about it a bunch.

I gave these out Christmas presents to my brother-in-laws, who are both gamers.

They love them, still use them.

You got them.

I got them right here in my hand.

Look at this.

I'm not kidding, dude.

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All right.

W-A-A-R-Z.

Where were we?

All right, Alex.

Story number three.

Story number three.

I got arrested in a hospital parking lot while doing donuts in a blizzard.

If it's eating donuts in a blizzard would be Bobby.

I think it's that candy striper after after she molested Bobby.

This sounds like Sean, too.

No, donuts, Paul.

Look, I'm looking at your fucking triple gold chains.

You did donuts when you were younger.

This does a fucking Italian dickhead.

It does seem like a gold chain type of crime.

Fucking fucking Westchester Fast and the Fury.

It's a fucking guinea Greek move right there.

What?

In a fucking Honda's, a 97 Honda city.

Donuts in the snow.

No.

We didn't have cars.

We were fucking poor, you piece of shit.

You and your asshole friend, Gian Carlo, in your tight fucking jeans.

Your Zeke Cavaricis.

We just went to the San Jannaro festival, you fucking dick.

This fucking story has Dracar Noir all over it.

Let's get some Zeppelins and go fuck my cousin's fat friend.

Let's put my T-tops in the trunk and do some doughnuts.

I know it's Sean now.

You sprayed some jupe on your neck like a fucking jerk off and did doughnuts in your Honda Civic.

No.

Yeah.

Nope.

Versey, look at me.

What?

It's you.

It's fucking you.

It's you.

Because you have fucking confidence, Bugsy.

Oh, shut up.

You turned your whole body.

You said, look at you.

Yeah, but fucking man does.

What?

Wait, what?

I don't know.

When you tell someone to look at you, a man looks at you.

You know why it's him?

Who's the most quiet right now?

It's Sean.

I'm telling you right now, it's Verzi because he hasn't written his shit down.

What?

You haven't even made a guess.

Because you just called me a chain-wearing guinea.

I got to fucking defeat it.

Defend myself.

Don't forget, Greek.

Put the mic down after you call me a fucking Greek.

Paul, you're Italian.

You're wearing two chains.

There's no defense against being a chain-wearing guinea.

You know what?

I'm

by Paul.

I'm proud of the two chains, and I'm proud of being a guinea.

A guinea Greek.

Which they almost never are.

Yeah,

I mean, I'm trying.

I want to

stretch this round out a little bit, but there's just no other answer here.

Sean.

Sean, Sean, do you have a car now?

I do not.

Okay.

It's Paul.

The Irish don't do donuts.

Paul, what do you drive?

What do you drive?

I drive Alexis.

There you go.

It's Paul.

Oh, dude.

It's almost November to remember over at Lexus.

Got arrested, though.

Got arrested is a very Puerto Rican thing, so maybe it could be me.

You didn't have a car until four months ago.

I think it's Sean because Sean doesn't seem like a guy that would get arrested, but if he did, it would be for something like that.

So write it down.

I'm going to fucking write it.

Why don't you write your name down?

The Irish don't do donuts.

We just fight our cousins.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, they get it out the old-fashioned way with gypsy fights.

Yeah, dude.

Nice car.

Nice rims.

Paul Versey.

And that's his car.

Everyone voted for Paul except for Paul.

This is such a fucking versey story.

You guys are fucking.

You guys are fucking fucking

fucking.

You can hear.

Fuck all these.

You can hear his voice.

I got arrested in the hospital

while I was doing donuts in a fucking blizzard.

Fucking Yankees.

Guys, 5-0.

Oh, shit.

This story is so Paul.

It was on the way here.

This fucking asshole had a PBA card that night, you piece of shit.

I know you did.

You knew somebody who knew your cousin.

My cousin is?

My cousin Greg's on the job.

Alex, whose story was story number three?

Story number three belongs to Paul.

I knew I should have fucking tucked these in.

I should have tucked these in before this shit started.

How old were you, Paul?

So

I was in college.

I got arrested for...

Actually, I thought the story was going to be different.

I got naked in the emergency room, waiting room.

And I was molested?

No, I got,

so, so my buddy, we were at a party and my buddy broke his finger and I was trying to just stay at the party and hook up.

And he just goes, you better fucking come with me.

And I was all fucked up and blackened out in this blizzard.

And we got there and I got naked in the waiting room while he was getting fixed.

And

I got mad.

You get mad at you.

You know when you're drunk, man?

That's the Greek part of you, right?

You know when you're mad at drunk?

And I was just like, I can't believe I left this fucking party.

He broke his.

And I just started pissing all over the, pulled my dick out.

I started pissing all over the place.

Got naked.

Whoa, you didn't get arrested for the donuts, you lunatic.

You thought it was the donuts?

It was he

sexually assaulted

the waiting room.

I tried dancing with the nurse naked.

And then, yeah.

Yes.

I got a fucking hand job.

And you're fully naked in the lobby?

Yes.

And then my buddy said, you better grab your, the nurses start freaking out.

Grab your clothes.

I got dressed.

We went in the parking lot.

We're sitting there.

And he goes, dude.

You want to do donuts?

And I go, fuck yeah.

And we started spinning around.

And all of of a sudden, we just hear, whoop, whoop.

Cops lights.

Cop gets out.

He goes, which one of you?

I swear to God, he goes, which one of you pieces of shit got naked in that hospital?

I was so fucked up that I go, somebody did that, man.

I was fucked up.

And you were still naked?

And he goes, I bet you.

He goes, I bet you it was you.

Go to court.

True story.

Go to court.

Courtroom is packed.

The judge calls me up.

It's Little Falls, New York.

I went to a junior college up there.

And he goes, all right, Mr.

Versee, I understand you got naked.

Says you got naked here in an emergency room.

When asked why Mr.

Versey is naked, his response, my belt buckle came undone, and the fucking bailiff was a big trooper, and he just goes,

and the judge goes, if I see you in this town again, I'm going to throw you in jail for 30 days.

So that's the story.

Yeah, and then we got off.

Nice.

Hell yeah.

Paul Versey, great story.

There was so much more to that story.

There was so much more to that story.

Like when it came up, I'm like, shit, they're leaving a lot out.

All right, Alex, we got three stories down.

Where are our points at?

Paul earned nothing.

All right.

In fourth place, there's a tie with two points each between Louis J.

Gomez and Paul Versey.

In third place with four points, Sean Donnelly.

Killing it.

And tied for the lead with five points each, Big Jay Ogerson and Robert Kelly.

Still early, Louis.

Still early.

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Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

When I was a young boy, I was told I had a disease that would keep me from ever playing sports at a high level.

There's no Jews on the panel.

Jesus.

Not that big on a panel.

Jesus Christ.

Jay did everything he could to not look like a Jew.

He put his hand up slowly.

I'm Jewish.

Relax.

When everyone on this panel was a young boy, we were told we were too fat

to ever play sports.

That's not a disease.

It's a choice, like gay.

All right.

This is.

This crowd takes it all in very literal, dude.

This is.

This is definitely between two.

It's got to be Sean because he's Irish.

It's Sean or Lewis.

It's not Lewis.

Lewis never played sports.

Yeah, Lewis never because he had a fucking disease.

I played every sport.

And Lewis was never a bully.

I played every sport for exactly one season.

Until you were told that you have a disease.

I have no sports disease.

Right in my athletic histbone.

I will say that I do have very wide base flat feet.

Does not work well with cleats.

Is that a disease?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, if you wrote the story, you would have called it that, I guess.

I love the finesse that you really make everybody go back and forth because you're just saying I was like, oh, it's you.

You could have been told this and then played the sports afterwards.

Look, this was not me.

I was not a big sports guy.

At a high level, is sort of the thing that tells you that it's not me.

Jay is such a lunatic that he believes that he could play sports at a high level.

To this day, he believes if he believed hard enough, he can go and be a quarterback in the NFL.

I don't know about that day one, but I tell you.

But

it's more, what you're talking about is much more of like,

if I believed that I could run and walk up this wall and backflip it, I could do it.

But I don't believe that I can.

So when I try, I'll eat shit because I'm going to stop doing it.

But if I was just like, I'm going to do it, I could do it.

But I don't.

I think it's Bobby, and I'll tell you why.

It's written like the other one.

When I was a young boy.

When I was a young boy.

A wee lad.

A wee lad.

Back in the old country of stupid Boston.

Back on the shores of Boston.

I mean, Bobby, remember the steak and trees truck would come in.

It's Lewis or Sean, 100%.

I'd put money on it.

Bobby is 5'4.

He was never playing sports on a high level.

That might be the disease.

Bobby is a giant midget.

That might be his disease that kept him at height.

and not able to

know.

You don't have a disease.

You never have a disease.

You don't know if I don't have it.

I have a disease.

What?

Don't tell me I don't get diseases.

Are you that fucking nuts that you want to have a disease now for this argument?

I don't like you telling me I don't have fucking diseases.

Lewis's disease was not having a dad to play catch with.

Jesus.

What the fuck?

Why do I get shit?

Everybody else is so much true.

Come on, Sean.

Guys, guys, guys.

There's gotta be a self.

There has to be a fucking line.

Sean, there's gotta be a fucking line.

lost and loaded.

He had a dad.

He just got murdered.

Oh, Bobby.

Some taste.

I'm sorry.

He did have a dad.

And then he got killed.

Oh,

damn, he's right.

If he didn't get killed, we wouldn't have him today.

You'd have some fucking weird, healthy, good version of a Lewis.

Can you imagine if he didn't have high-level sports disease?

We would have lost him to the pros.

We're four stories out.

Who's had stories so far?

It's been Big J, it's been Verzi and Bobby so far have had stories.

No, that doesn't mean anything.

It could be two stories in a row.

It's all randomly generated.

I was looking at why you're not going to be able to do that.

Oh, you can look.

Sean, this would have come up as well.

This also seems like it could be like an Irish thing.

There's an Irish confidence that they have that.

that you'll never play rugby,

you'll never be a professional bowler.

Sean, Sean, did you play sports as a kid?

I like Little League and stuff like that.

Yeah.

Like not, I wouldn't call it a high school.

And then you got the bad news.

And then you got the bad news.

Sean, do you have stage four tennis over?

Sean, do you play sports now and where you're at now?

I'll give you three guesses.

No, no, and no.

I'm voting for Sean Donnelly, and I still feel the vibrating in my legs.

That's the disease.

I'm going to go with Lewis.

Idiot.

Oh, shit.

Am I now?

Yep, you just wasted your vote, Jay.

Oh, unless it's Jay.

Oh, fuck, it's Jay.

It's between Lewis and Sean.

Fuck.

I think it's two stories in a row for Jay.

Fuck.

It's Jay.

Two stories in a row.

This is shit.

That's how I'm going to throw my Lewis vote.

Fuck.

Because Jay can't lie.

What fucking disease do you have?

What the fuck?

It's called heavy.

Wait, game unfolds.

Wait, so high level means smoke and weeds?

Alex.

All of our answers are in story number four.

Whose story was that?

Fuck it.

He's so happy.

To big.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck.

I'm pissed.

Fuck this game.

Wow, Jay, that was good.

And I nailed it too.

Both times when it was Jay's story, I knew it.

I was like, Jay, he has that confidence, the psychotic confidence.

Yeah,

I got tall when I was young, quick.

So I have a disease that's called Osgood Schlotter's disease.

I had it too.

What is it?

Osgood Schlotter's disposal.

So you're not on the show.

No,

he's been right here

the whole time.

He's been with us.

He's apologizing.

So it's just like a cartilage knot.

Basically, it's hurt.

It makes your knees hurt.

Like all the time.

What does it call it?

Osgood Slaughter's disease.

Is that the name of the penguin?

Nope.

That's Osgood Oswald Cobblepot.

I'm sorry.

That's what I thought it was.

That'd be a disease.

You have the penguin disease.

I have penguin feet.

I wish they had named pot.

They should have named AIDS.

They said, you'll never dunk with

Oswald Cobblepot.

I said, shut up.

Osgood Schlausney, yeah, they told you.

So what was funny was, so I played sports always, but like neighborhood sports, not organized.

And I went to,

on my senior year, I switched to South Jersey to a school that had like a football team and shit.

So I did the hell week, like the two-a-day practices.

And then once it started getting into running plays, and I had no idea, first of all, they just made me a fat offensive lineman.

I offered my services as a tight end and quarterback.

He was the most offensive lineman on earth.

They were like, you're 300 pounds.

And I was like, yeah, you're right.

So maybe like a fullback or whatever.

And they were like, offensive line.

They were like, yeah, but I'm good in the pocket.

I'll stay in there.

I swear to you, I told the coach I have a cannon.

I said, I was worried.

I go, I got a cannon.

The guy goes,

so they put me on offensive line, and it was boring.

And I didn't know what was going on, and I was doing terrible at it.

So

to join the team, I had to fake.

like you know lie and say that i had nothing i that i cleared medical for it and then once i didn't want to play because i was like, Yeah,

I'm not going to be good at this.

I'll be a detriment to the team.

I went, Osgood Schlaughter's disease.

Doctor says I can't play.

They gave you an out.

Yeah.

That's great.

So, yeah, I think I still have it.

Same exact thing.

But I'll tell you what, I ball through it because ball is life.

Jay, this is the furthest lead Jay has ever had going into the second half.

Of course, by the way, every time I get to, this has happened before.

It's always in the first half before the points mean almost anything.

So this will be a short-lived happiness, but I'm feeling good right now.

Feeling great right now.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, tied for fourth place with two points each: Luis J.

Gomez and Paul Verzi.

In third place with four points, Sean Donnelly.

In second place with five points, Robert Kelly.

Respectable.

Respectable.

And in the lead with nine points.

Big change.

Wow.

Huge lead.

You deserve it.

Huge lead.

Yeah.

You deserve it.

You have Oshgosh Bhashbar disease.

He's got Oshkosh Bagash disease.

But, Bobby, I'm living with Oshgosh Bagash, and I'm dying from it.

Oshkosh Bagoshkosh.

We're at the halfway point of the game.

Four more stories to go.

At this point, we do some quick plugs around the table.

Bobby Kelly, what are you plugging, my friend?

Go to mypunchout.live/slash Robert Kelly for all my dates and check out me and Paul Versee.

And check out me and Big Jay on The Bonfire.

And me and Paul Versey have a podcast called Bone to Pick.

Hell yeah.

How many times do you have to say the names before you remember the name of your and Paul's podcast?

Twice.

Twice.

You want me and Paul do a podcast called me and Jay do a show called The Bonfire and then me and Paul hang out.

That's the name of our podcast.

A couple of times a week, we bang it out, and it's called

Bone to Pick.

There it is.

Well, you just gave me my bone for next week, you condescending asshole.

Paul Versey.

This Saturday night, I'm at the Dojo in Morris Plains.

And then October 2nd, I'm in Sacramento, California.

The punchline.

No, and then San Francisco at Cobbs on October 3rd.

More dates.

Texas doing October 17th in Toronto.

Go to PaulVersee.com.

And my new podcast, Paul's Best Podcast, comes out this month.

So check that out.

Well, you said.

And I do another

podcast.

Okay.

Caulk sucker.

Well, you did it.

What am I fucking?

You both do it.

Paul.

Let him know.

Me and Bobby do a show called The Bonfire.

Bobby does a show.

I do a podcast with Bobby Cox.

You didn't even plug the regs, you fucking piece of shit.

Hey, Verze, hey.

Whoa, what?

Oh.

You pulling out your little molested dick?

What is that?

Oh, God.

Oh, it's like the nurse.

Oh.

Go to regs.com for the merch, baby.

Regsmerch.com.

Regsmerch.com.

I just showed my side fat to the hot chicks.

I apologize.

That was fucking.

It's going to bother me for a year and a half.

Bobby.

What, Jay?

What?

I saw it happen, and emotionally, I was right there with you.

I was like, God, I hope this shirt's going to be worth what's happening because these girls have just decided they're never, ever going to even think about possibly fucking you.

You could have went to bed tonight masturbating the idea that maybe they would have, but now you know they wouldn't and it kills you.

I heard Alice.

It kills me that it kills you.

It fucking hurts so badly.

Oh, Sean Donnelly.

I wish you weren't.

Well, Paul Verzee and Bobby Kelly have a podcast called Pone to Pick.

Check it out.

Pone to Pick.

Pone to Pick, baby.

No.

No, me and Dan St.

Germain have a podcast called Burbs Bros.

And look me up on Instagram at ShawneeTime.

Love that podcast.

Hell yeah.

Big podcast.

Big Jay Okerson.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

I'm all over the place.

Look for a City Near You.

I'm Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American Tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

That means I'm coming to all the cities because he had a lot of come.

Peter North.

It's an old reference.

Thank you, sir.

That guy knows a big cum load when he sees it.

And of course, I'm doing live streams now on YouTube.

Check those out on my YouTube page, Big Jay Comedy or Big Jay Okerson, one of those two.

Those are fun.

We're doing those like once a week.

And then, of course, listen to the flagship show over here at the Gas Digital Legion of Motherfucking Skanks.

Hell yeah.

And me and Bobby Kelly, no Paul Versey, who does a show with Bobby called a bone to pick Wednesday nights.

And that double vinyl for them day, my crowd work, double special limited edition vinyl coming out very, very soon.

Check for that.

Come see me on the road at Lewisofskanks.com.

October, I got a lot of stuff coming up.

Kenosha, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri, Chandler, Arizona, and a lot more.

We're doing some live story wars on the road.

October 30th, we'll be in Austin in the main room at the Mothership.

Two shows, one night.

Lots of fun guests planned for that.

Then November 11th, right here in New York City, this is going to be a fucking big one.

The guests are absolutely huge.

We are doing the Gramercy Theater right here in Gramercy.

It's going to be incredible.

Huge room.

Come out if you're in the New York area.

November 11th, one show, 9 p.m.

Make sure you guys check out all the other pods that I do, the Rags, Legion of Skanks, my solo podcast.

Go pre-order my book, Knives Knives and Spoons, on Amazon right now.

And last but not least, subscribe to Gast Digital if you love this show.

We do a pre-release on all the episodes, uncensored versions of all of our episodes, add-free versions of the episodes, and there's an entire on-demand library of a bunch of shows, maybe 20 or 30 shows that are not available anywhere else.

You can't get these episodes unless you subscribe.

Gastdigital.com.

Use the promo code WART.

You save a couple bucks a month.

That's it.

Second half, a little bit different, Jay.

Second half is a little bit different.

First of all, let's not forget, everybody, keep your eyes on the prize.

No one's out of this game at all.

And we're all looking to take home Queenie by Candace Cardi Williams.

It's both funny and heartbreaking as it traces a young woman's messy quarter life crisis.

Through Queenie's encounters with toxic relationships, workplace megroaggressions, and the weight of expectations,

this novel shows how easy it is to spiral when the world refuses to make space for you.

Yet, through humor, honesty, and raw self-reflection, Queenie's story becomes one of survival and the slow, difficult process of piecing yourself back together.

My drugs is good.

And

this book is still possible for anybody to take home because, uh, and I know,

Sean and Paul, you guys may have been confused a little earlier when Bobby was throwing it around all willy-nilly, but the reality is, for the final four stories, always here on Story Awards, we go double points.

You weren't kidding when you said they love it.

Yeah, they love it.

That was fucking nuts.

They love it.

But

if they win, if Paul or Sean win, they become a story warrior.

And they get to say

double points.

And the only reason why Bobby said that was so he could let everybody know that he's a story warrior.

Yes, he is a story warrior.

But the reality is, whether you're just saying it it for fun, all crazy or not, for the second four stories, whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point.

If you guessed somebody's correct story, you got two points.

That now goes to double point.

These Republicans are having a blast.

I know.

Hell yeah, girls.

Without further ado, Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

one time I got arrested for drinking on the beach and had to spend all night in a cell with a guy who was arrested for pistol whipping the guy who his wife was cheating on him with

how is it sickness

I mean it's a pretty sick story I guess

it's Sean because he doesn't know how the game works

and he just agreed with that really quickly and went like that.

So, yeah, I think you showed the hand.

No, I was saying, like, no,

the lenses are fogging up again.

Not only do you guys look like you all have kind of the same voice, too.

Yeah.

I feel like all of you would have got arrested at the same time for drinking on the beach trying to fucking scam some chicks from fucking Long Island.

But

Bobby's going to women with his watches.

Drinking on the beach, Irish.

Spend the night in jail.

Irish.

Irish.

Pistol whipping.

Irish.

Meeting a guy who pistol whipped his

wife who was cheating on him.

Oh, pistol guard.

The guy.

I was in jail.

She's very Irish, too.

The night in jail could also be Puerto Rican.

Sure, but street justice, that's Irish.

It's true.

It's like that movie with the five points with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Yeah, absolutely.

You know what?

This is total West.

It's 100% sure.

Sean Donnelly was a member of the Westies.

We all know.

They are a violent, mafia-like crew.

He takes no prisoners.

Kill it will, Sean Donnelly.

You're a psycho.

I don't know.

Also, Sean,

I think it's Bobby because it seems very Boston-y to me.

Ah, fuck, it does now that you say that.

There you go.

Have you been to Robbie?

Have you been around?

This is Bobby's stupid Mr.

Liver fantasy.

It is you, you fucker.

Look at his face.

It is him.

It is him.

This is the story that turned Bobby's life around.

This is what he got arrested for while that one

stepdad was sucking your dick and the other one was good.

And there was one that was good.

I don't listen to all your stories.

I don't listen to all your stories all the way through.

Bobby stopped drinking when he was literally 11 years old.

Right.

And I got arrested.

People got arrested for drinking liquidity.

They wouldn't have.

Listen.

Listen.

They wouldn't have put him in a cell with an adult.

He went to Juvie.

This is.

When you went, when you.

Why are you trying to convince us it's you?

It's not.

It's him.

I'm just saying.

He looked at me weird.

Sean, have you been arrested before?

Yeah, but not for this.

What were you arrested for?

I got arrested for dropping over the subway turnstile when I was a kid.

He can't lie lie either because that was one of my three wishes when he asked me

Did you what did you live near a beach?

Were you near a beach ever?

No, near a beach like throwing up against diarrhea.

I will say Sean does look like he's never been to a beach.

Yeah

The Sun is your black people

The Sun's your black people.

You cross the street when it comes out.

Yep, the story was I went to the beach and I burst into dust.

Then it would be Sean.

Yeah, Sean handles the sun like sinners' vampires.

I thought this game was going to be easy, and when I won the first one, I was like, I got this.

Dude, I suck.

I have no idea.

What about

yourself?

Verse going through a whole thing right now.

I think this might be a little bit of acting because also drinking on the beach, once again, Italian Guido double fucking gold chain behavior.

I haven't had a story.

Sean hasn't had a story yet, though, either.

It was goddamn Paul and the rest of the Cobra Kais out on the fucking beach getting ready to pick on the new karate kid who came in town from Reseda.

Is it Lewis?

I voted too early.

It's Lewis or Bobby.

You vote, who'd you vote for?

This is a fucking Tuesday in Boston.

They all go through.

It's like a rite of passage in Boston.

You're right.

Bobby wouldn't even remember this story if it was him.

No, I don't think this is Bobby.

I think it's Bobby.

I'm going, you know what, dude?

Only because the reason I'm thinking, Sean, is because he hasn't had a story yet.

And I just feel like mathematically speaking, but I also feel like he said no in such a genuine way.

I'm going with my instinct.

This is a fucking

dirty Italian Guido story.

All fucking Versey.

Bobby's face is scaring me right now, dude.

There's your virtuous people.

You're in it with him immediately.

Your gut with the look he gave, you might be right.

Shit.

I'm sticking with Sean.

You can't change it anyway.

Oh, okay.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Five stories down.

Story number five belongs to

Sean.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

What's up, baby?

All right.

But you're so pale.

I really did do the newbie thing.

I go, yeah, yeah.

I just, I nodded.

I didn't get out of here.

It has nothing to do with sickness.

No, what the guy did was pretty fucking sick, if you ask me.

You went to Mental Man.

She goes, defend how this is sickness.

And I said, that's a fucking sick thing to do to sick.

It's sick.

So I win.

So you were, what beach was?

How old were you?

It was Ocean City, Maryland.

Hold on.

Talk to the microphone.

You're a professional comedian.

I went down to Ocean City, Maryland.

We got arrested for drinking on the beach in Ocean City.

And I was put in a cell with a guy who fucking was in there because his wife was cheating on him.

He went down to all the bars, got the guy in the middle of the street in front of everybody and took out his pistol and just beat the shit out of me.

White guy?

White guy.

You were fine.

Yeah, I feel like white guys pistol whip.

Yeah, in the middle of the fucking night, I talked to the guy all night.

He was a nice guy.

And then in the middle of the night.

He seemed like a sweetheart.

Nice enough, ultimately.

I wasn't fucking his wife.

Well, yeah, don't fuck his wife.

Yeah.

In the middle of the night, he fucking goes, You want to see something cool?

I go, sure.

And he rolls down his beard and pulls out one jewel.

And he goes, Pretty cool, huh?

And just puts it.

What the fuck?

Was he a wizard?

He didn't smoke it with you?

He just showed it to you?

What a jerk off!

I'd been like, what are you?

Let me give me.

Lewis is going to grow a beard now.

I already have one.

Oh, God.

Okay.

We have five stories in, Hinturkey.

I am a newbie.

I'm very much a newbie here.

Five stories down, Alex.

Sean just cleaned up a little bit because of double points.

They're getting so sick of it.

They're starting to hate double points.

Not the old brows in the corner.

They're loving it.

They love it.

This is aerobics for them.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place.

Don't be a bitch.

I pay you.

With two points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Tied for third place with six points each, Sean Donnelly and Paul Versey.

Yay!

Yeah, boys.

Coming back.

In second place with nine points, Robert Kelly.

And in the lead with 13 points, Big J Ogerson.

Wow.

This is your day, dude.

For the people who haven't,

you guys might be here for the night.

You guys understand?

We've had 60 episodes of the show.

He's won five times.

Ever.

Ever.

We play so much.

That's because you got Oshkosh Bagosh disease.

Yeah, doctor said I would never be high level.

Hey guys real quick.

Let's talk about one of our sponsors

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Usually those are my balls usually you smell like absolute shit.

Yeah, no what's going on?

I'm confused Well, I'll tell you right now.

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It's so funny because we do joke around here, but they really are disgusting.

They're gross.

And for a long time, I was like, what am I going to do about it?

Just have gross balls?

No, I genuinely use, I only use it in my armpit.

We all thought you were going to kill yourself for a while.

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All right.

You know, the Whopper is flame-broiled.

That's why it's good.

It's flame-broiled your way.

That's why there's grill marks on it.

All right.

Let's get back into it.

All right, Alex.

Story number six.

Story number six.

When I was in my early 20s, I got strep throat and didn't see a doctor for over a month.

I spread it to multiple people in my group of friends.

Didn't Bobby already tell this story?

No, dude, this is so Lewis.

This is Lewis Lewis was such a trash street kid at this point.

Early 20s.

I knew Lewis was early 20s.

He was a piece of shit.

A lip-pierced, just sloppy.

His clothes were all handed down to him from his drug dealer.

Dude, not yet.

These are all facts, right?

He was a weed dealer.

Facts.

That's not a drug dealer, and they were cool.

They were triple five souls.

Here we go.

Cool shit, dude.

So I'm telling you,

this guy is a guy.

He had no insurance.

It's not you.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

It's you, Lewis, because you don't care about other people.

And Lewis doesn't care about his fellow man.

Oh, he does not.

Also, I forgot about that.

He also doesn't care about

he would have herpes take a bite of your apple and then fucking give it back to you and not tell you.

Absolutely.

Also, you

know in health insurance.

You were doing comedy stuff in your early 20s, right?

Nobody here in health insurance in the early 20s.

All right, good point.

Lewis, we're pussy with a sinus infection.

You don't give a shit, dude.

Yeah, it's not Sean.

Sean, you look like your parents had benefits.

Your parents had Irish fucking Medicaid.

Would a medicine man never come by?

Well, here's the thing.

I've never had strep throat, so that's well, yeah.

If you don't go to the doctor, you can't be diagnosed, but you assumed.

No, it's that over a month.

It says the person went to the doctor eventually.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've never had strep throat.

I've talked about this specifically on podcasts before.

I've never had strep throat.

People talk about it all the time.

He's lying.

See, this is nuts.

This is lying.

I've mentioned this on podcasts many times.

You've never heard me.

And a lot of people have heard me talk about this on podcast.

No, New York.

i was on podcast with you for 25 years sir i've never heard anybody please

yes sir what's your name

chuck you've heard lewis referenced before on podcast

okay thank you i have chuck i thought you were on my side go what are you doing you're an idiot that was awesome all right i'm gonna go i'm gonna go bobby because he was very quiet during that and voted right away sure yeah well that's what i do

i think bobby literally told the exact same story twice.

I think that's what's happening.

Bobby, there's wants to go home an hour ago.

He's got a family he loves very much.

No, I want to go home because these girls saw my side fat.

Bobby,

call me on the ride home.

I'll talk you down, buddy.

I know what that's like.

You were like, I'm going to be so funny.

And then you're like, these girls are so, their pussies are so dry right now.

No, Paul.

Paul, no.

Fucking Paul.

Asshole, Paul.

Why?

I can't fucking

hear why.

You'll hear why, because it's

strep throat fucking Gomez.

This story belongs to

Lewis, Jack Gomez.

Don't call it a comeback.

Don't call it a comeback.

My ass kicks.

What is happening today?

This story is for you, Lewis.

I helped you out, Lewis.

I helped you out.

No, I didn't know I had strep.

I thought I was just sick.

Jay, but I was like,

I had a girlfriend.

I was cheating on my girlfriend.

I made out with both of them.

Then I fucking coughed coughed at my other friend's mouth.

There was like eight people who got strep throat, and they were wondering how it all happened.

And it was just me.

And I had white, crazy lesions on the back of my throat.

It was the most pain I've ever been in in my entire life.

But I had no insurance, and I didn't realize you could just go to a free clinic.

So I just fucked.

So eventually, this girl was like, You just gotta go to a free clinic.

And they gave me like fucking.

You stop getting me strep pussy and go to a doctor.

Yeah,

it was uh, it was the most painful experience of my life, but I did only have strep one time.

Strep pussy.

And strep can also live in the butt.

That's Science Corner with Sean Donnelly, right here on Story War.

Alex, take stories down.

Where are our points at?

All right, in very last place with only four points.

Louis J.

Donas.

I'm not going to win this one, guys.

I just don't see it happening.

There's still time.

There is time still.

In fourth place with six points, Sean Donnelly.

In third place with 10 points, Paul Bersey.

All right.

In second place with 13 points, Robert Kelly.

That's a story warrior right there.

And in the lead with 17 points.

Big Jay over Sam.

This is a photo off.

This is Big Jay, you've never...

Guys, photo op.

Jay was in the lead story number one.

We're six stories down.

He still has a lead and a sizable lead.

Take your phones out.

This has never happened.

But he could lose.

He can still lose.

He could lose.

Easily.

By one.

I feel pretty good.

If If I lose this game, I will...

I'll everybody on this panel kick me in the dick.

Oh, shit, Bobby was close.

Fuck.

If I lose...

All right, let me sort that out over the next question.

I thought I was way ahead.

What is that vibrating?

I swear to God, it's crazy.

It's a thing.

It's phantom.

It's a phantom.

There's a phantom vibrating, but does that mean I'm dying?

Let me ask you a question.

Are you taking like heartburn medication?

No.

Okay.

It's stage three, whatever it is.

No, last night I was in my son's parent-teacher night.

I'm sitting in the chair the whole time.

I'm like, who's going to fucking sell it?

This afternoon, I was doing the podcast with you guys.

Felt the same thing.

Right now, I really am worried.

I might die.

I hope.

Fuck, wait, dude.

Do you remember?

I came over to see your new house this week.

Yeah.

I did bring you a cursed vase.

Now, I thought that was just funny.

Like, there was a cursed vase.

I'm like, oh, that'll be cool.

Time to give Louis Spice gave it to you when I said it was a vase, but it is, it is cursed from an Indian thing.

You know what?

I hope it's your coffee.

Go home,

bury it, and cut yourself and hold it to the moon.

And you're golden.

Alex?

Story number seven.

Story number seven.

When I was 16, I went to the doctor, and the nurse was so hot that I jerked off in the time between when she left and when the doctor came in.

That could be all of us.

That could be all of us.

Let's not lie.

That's Lewis.

Lewis, that's, come on.

Look at his face.

I mean, I've done, I've, look, it's a famous story.

I did jerk off in the hospital while my son's mother was giving birth to my son.

Oh, that.

Fuck, I forgot.

That

literally ended our relationship.

No way.

I mean, if the mood calls, I do it.

Airplane bathroom, comedy clubs,

anywhere I want to jerk off, I will jerk off.

So, this, I will say, this is something that I would do.

Just know that my silence is not compliance with this.

This is fucking epic.

Silence is violent.

I'm not going to say Jay, or it's your dude.

Sorry.

Fuck you, dude.

Not in a million years would I do this.

That's crazy.

That's Bobby.

This is Bobby.

This sounds like Bobby to me.

It could be Louis.

I don't know.

This is when you found out you had Oshkosh-Pogash disease and you got nervous, and jerking off helps you relax.

He's deflecting.

Buddy, I'm telling you, this is not my disease.

Sean is too Catholic for this.

This is not Sean.

See, Jay is a pervert, but he's, I just don't think this is his type of perversion.

Like, this is a me or Bobby thing.

I'll say that right now.

Bobby's head is down.

Look, he's looking down.

He's thinking about this hurt.

There's a lot of shame.

There's a lot of shame in his face.

Do you think I have two jerking off at the hospital story?

Yes, I do.

Yes.

Yes.

I do.

I didn't give the other one though.

If you could do it once, you could do it twice, Bobby.

This is screaming, Bobby Kelly.

What are you screaming, Bobby?

Bobby, tell me, convince us that this is not you.

It's not me.

No, with

back it up with something.

I'm talking.

Buddy, first of all, I'm not going to give the same story.

You know, I'm going to.

By the way, the first part of that sentence was a different tone of voice.

If you told me that you were showing your voice for a new cartoon you were doing, I would have believed that.

I didn't know that.

No, it was too new.

You went,

let me do it,

the way he was looking down, it's Bobby.

We all submit three to five stories, so they just happened to, these are the two that happened to come up when they were generating them.

I could see Bobby just, this is, look, you like nurses?

You think they're hot?

Who doesn't?

You jack off to them.

Are you guys nurses?

Do you have a nurse outfit?

Well, what do you do so we can jerk off to that?

They spend their husbands' money.

That's what they do.

You think their husbands are still alive?

Idiot.

I'm sorry.

This reeks of Bobby.

That's the flesh.

He's just talking to them because look at him fidgeting.

It's Bobby.

I fidget, dude.

It's Bobby Schmutzing around because I'll tell you.

This one smells like Robert Tokelli to me.

I'm going to say Bobby.

He was 16.

This kid was.

Oh, no, I can tell.

This kid was hyper-sex.

Oh, if this is Big J, we don't even got to do story number eight.

This is going to be crazy.

If we all vote Bobby and it's Big J, it's not me.

Oh, fits it's you, dude.

It's an easy, not me.

This is easy to see.

It's not me.

I would have had like bitch.

Jay, is it you?

No.

That would be three stories for Jay.

We've had that happen.

Bobby had the first time he won, he had three stories, and that's probably the reason why he won.

Ah, dude, I'm trying to strategize.

It's not working.

Jay, yes.

Have you ever jerked off in a hospital?

No.

See, it's a little

bit more.

If it's Jay dude Lewis

I already told you I told you a story about how he left open a hospital told you he did this

Yeah, so that means he's already he's done it once he's gonna do it again

give me a hospital.

I'll jerk off there now

Give me the opportunity Lewis loves jacking off the white coat.

I love jacking off to the smell of Bobby.

Are you just beating around the bush to kill time for no reason because it's Texas?

Make it seems Bobby.

It's Bob still.

Bobby, if it's you and you're just wasting this much time, I'm going to fucking punch you in the back.

No, he won't.

Lewis won't do that shit at all, dude.

It's Lewis because he gets aggressive when he gets nervous.

That's what I like about you.

Fucking queer.

Sticky.

Fucking do it already.

Sticky.

Bobby, if it's not you, I'm going to be blown away.

I know it's you and you, you piece of shit.

Stop it.

Is it?

It's fucking you.

Look at me in the face.

Look, if it was Jay,

he would be really fucking exuding happiness right now because he's about to clean the fuck up and win this game.

If it's one of you, I'm leaving.

So

you think I'm lying to you?

Bobby.

Shit, this might be versus fucking showing you.

You took your hand off.

Wow, Bobby.

Yeah.

Look at me.

Yeah.

I didn't lie to you.

Okay, great.

You thought I did.

No, I didn't think you lied.

I thought you were playing the game.

Oh, you can win.

I want this to be, I want to be right so bad right now.

Bobby, look at me in the eyes.

I want this.

What did I tell you?

I'd tell you it wasn't me.

He lied.

Alex, whose story was this?

All right, everybody.

Story number seven belongs to

Sean Donnelly.

You're a hunk of shit.

I think differently of you now.

I was 16.

Relax.

Y'all.

You, you fucking pervert.

Jesus.

I don't mean that I don't mean I'm just mad

is this what is this what heartbreak feels like

I'm sorry

Jay I thought you wanted to win so bad and I wouldn't care if you lied to me Sean tell us the story

That's pretty much it

We had to tell our we had to tell our producers when they called the comments to tell them

I can tell by this that that Paul and Sean both thought they were supposed to send the entire story written out.

Yeah, so I went, I was six.

I was fucking 16.

Why were we in the hospital?

It was just a doctor's visit.

I wasn't in the hospital.

And I went in, and the nurse was so hot, and I was 16, and I was fucked up, and I jerked off.

And then the doctor came in about 15 seconds after I finished.

But you finished in the office.

In the office.

Where did you jizz?

Into the garbage can.

Oh.

I've done that.

This is the first time I've said this.

I am.

Who am I sitting next to right now?

You're sitting next to to me.

By the way, this Indian guy agrees with you, but they're a third world.

Everything's in the trash can.

I love how everybody took this

theme.

Hold on.

This crowd stinks.

That was great.

Everything's a trash can in India.

Come on.

Not Indian, next year.

Shit.

Even worse.

Well, stop dressing like an Indian.

Damn, not even sort of close.

Thank you, brother.

His name's Sean.

Hey, you guys have a check spot on Story Wars?

I know.

It's a problem.

They do drop checks on the youth story.

Right at the climax of the show, they come out and drop checks every single episode.

Oh, she's time for our final story, where it all comes together.

Who can win?

Your checks, please.

Is this the final story?

This is it.

Story number eight, Alex.

Now,

no points.

I'm sorry.

All right, in last place with four points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Yeah, you're vibrating.

That's bad.

In fourth place with 10 points, Paul Versey.

In third place with 13 points, Robert Kelly.

Wow.

Wow.

I tried to save you.

In second place with 14 points, Sean Donnelly.

The fucking long shot.

And in the lead with 17 points, Big Jay Okerson.

I mean, truly, it's anybody except my story right now, Jay.

You have, you're hanging on by a hair right now.

Sean Donnelly nipping at your heels.

Bobby Kelly's right there.

Former story warrior.

This is it, folks.

This is for all the potatoes.

No one pay attention.

Pay your bills.

Everybody, check out

for

the fucking crux.

Why would they do a check spot right at the end of the fucking show?

Guys, don't tell anybody that story that I told you about jerking off in the...

Also, guys, you can keep a secret.

Do you guys drop checks during Sean's perverted stories?

I love how sickness was the theme, and it's just about jerking off in hospital.

Sickness has nothing to do with this episode at fucking all.

Okay, Story Warriors, I know what's going on right now.

You guys are probably low-T.

Your brain's not firing on all cylinders.

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How many of these stories did you guess the wrong person?

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All right, where were we?

We have one more story, ladies and gentlemen.

It's our final story.

Alex, story number eight.

Story number eight.

One time in front of a lot of people, I called out, I'm hitting that side mirror on that far away car with this snowball.

Then I did it.

Sickness.

I like it.

I think it's Lewis.

Because you can hear Lewis going, sickness.

Look, that's me.

But if you know anything about me.

Big Jay, you know that's a big J.

My father was murdered.

Nobody ever taught me how to throw.

I have the worst fucking arm you'll ever see.

But that would have been a big moment in your life.

That would have been a huge moment in my life.

Sickness.

That's 100% little chubby, Philly Big Jay by himself, hits the mirror, and he went, sickness.

And then he did tummy time and watched the movie.

I think it's either Lewis or it's Jay.

I can see this being Big Jay only because Jay, Jay knows how to play the game on another level.

I'm sorry.

I keep checking out it.

Bobby keeps hurting my feelings by assuming me.

I'm looking at you telling you this.

This plays back to playing sports at a high level.

You're trying to make up for shit.

And Jay just cut me off because he knew I was going to make a great point on purpose.

I know exactly what happens.

I don't apologize, but I know what's going on right now.

No, Bobby's.

Here, can I say, if we all vote for Jay, it'll take it away from him.

He doesn't win.

Even if, even if,

We should all just vote for Jay.

We should all just vote for Jay just in case.

And just kick him in the dead.

And just we take away his victory.

And we

want to mind.

If that's even Paul, who has 10, he will win the game.

Hey, Paul.

Oh, God, let's do it.

Paul.

What?

I didn't do it.

I didn't do it.

Fuck you.

Look at me.

Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at my eyes.

I'm looking.

Look at me.

Stop moving your head.

Did you do it?

Don't look down.

what look at me don't look away did you do it did you do it did you I don't put it back on me did you do it I didn't do it stop looking down look in my eyes look in my eyes did you do look at the fucking mirror

I just realized Paul should start smoking cigars and Bobby should start wearing jeans

I mean, look, I'm going to stick to this.

I don't know why it's so funny.

It's fun plans for everyone to fucking vote Jay.

Oh, he's getting so bummed.

It's definitely Jay.

Is it you?

It's you?

No.

Sean, it's not me.

Sean,

it is not me, Sean.

You cannot you saying, sin.

You're going to give this.

You're going to guess wrong, and you're going to give it a Jay.

You fucking vote.

I tried to hand this to you.

Yeah, but I won't give it a try.

It's not Lewis.

You know what?

No, he had no childhood.

What does it have to do with throwing a fucking snowball?

That's a good point.

He was a little gun.

This is not a big deal in the world.

It blew Lewis's mind because he was a fatherless child.

It's you, Jay.

Okay.

Your mother blew the local fucking something.

Police officers.

Police officer.

To protect a household with a son and a single mother in West Philadelphia.

Big Jay.

He's got a good arm.

He understands the parameters of the game.

Sometimes you think outside.

He's been playing the game long enough to think outside of the box, and everyone is thinking sickness like a sickness.

I'm telling you right now,

Big Jay, the snowball thrower.

You think Lewis went too fast with that?

I think it's Big J because.

Oh, good.

I'm going to do Lewis.

Cut you off again because he's freaking out right now inside.

He knows it's about to be fine.

It's Big Jay because he's smart enough to.

We all went sick hospital fucking strep throat AIDS.

He went surfer sickness.

That's Big J.

He went another direction.

It's 100% Big J

because he went.

And you could also say it like sickness.

Me?

No, him.

Yeah, he would say it's sick.

Sickness.

I could see Big Jay doing that.

What do we think here, boys?

It's Big J.

Hold up.

You've been sending his name for a couple of minutes.

Nah.

Oh, suburban kid.

City?

City.

Suburban.

Suburban.

Yeah, Jay wasn't suburban.

Everybody's suburban.

Jay was city.

I feel like city has less of a chance of...

Lewis with a wiener in his mouth.

Now we're going to be demonetized on YouTube.

Thank you, Jay, for showing gay porn on this channel.

Fucking asshole.

I'm trying to do this for money.

Oh, also.

We don't do this for fun or a book.

We do it for money, Jay.

And also.

You can't take it out.

No, I know it's going to be the same answer, but I'm also drawn next to it.

It's you.

No, it's you.

I think I'm going to be you, dude.

It's the Prophet Muhammad.

I don't care.

Just so you know, that penis belongs to a six-year-old boy.

That's child porn.

And the prophet Muhammad thinks it's okay.

Oh my god, the Indian guy is furious.

Oh,

this Mexican Indian guy is crazy.

I did it.

You guys are idiots.

You hate the J of victory.

You fucking idiots.

Because I think it's a personal fucking guess.

I've got a duck feeling.

Nobody voted for Big J.

You guys are fucking.

Oh, I'm pissed.

Why?

I don't know why.

I do want you to win, but I like taking it away from you more.

I do understand that.

No, like, I really do.

I'm happy that you're going to be happy if you win this.

And I think you might.

Alex, whose story was it?

Story number eight

belongs to

Big J.

There you go.

I was like telling you.

We all know who won this game.

I'm sorry, Jay, tell the story real quick.

I mean, there's not much more to it.

It's just a pretty sick moment in your life.

I was, this is not a fat, lonely child.

This is when I was filming a TV show.

You're a fat, lonely adult.

I was a fat, lonely adult.

Who thought it was high school?

I know it was like back in the day.

I was filming a TV show, and we were outside in

Chappaqua, New York, and it was wintertime.

And I loaded up a snowball and they had like the sprinter vans for all the crew people.

And I just had a lot of people around.

I go, side mirror.

Zinged it.

I mean, far.

And it went, boom.

And it went, oh.

Shit.

You did that.

I told you to do that.

Lewis, Lewis, my bad.

My bad.

I mean, look, I will say I was playing a dirty game trying to take it away from him.

Alex, make it official.

Where are our final points?

All right, in last place with eight points, Louis J.

Gomez.

In fourth place with 10 points, Paul Versey.

In third place with 13 points, Robert Kelly.

Second place scored 14 points, and your winner tonight, his sixth win of all time with 23 points, Big Jay Ogerson.

All right, thank you all.

Thank you so much.

I'll give you a little something here before I go.

I'd like to say,

and just to really make sure the night goes smooth and I make sure everybody here goes home safe and happy, I'd like Lewis to know that the entire show, I've been vibrating his leg with my phone.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you so much.

It's great to be a Story Warrior.

How about for our amazing panel?

Story Warrior Robert Kelly,

Paul Versey,

Sean Donnelly.

I'm BJ Ogerson.

I'm Luis J.

Gomez.

Thank you for hanging out here on Story Wars.

We'll catch you guys next time.

Until then, peace.