139 -The Past Times with Mike O'Connell

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Mike O'Connell.

The greatest dog.

Hi, Mike.

How are you?

How are you?

Good, how are you?

All's well in the zoo.

All's well in the zoo.

As always.

Dave, thoughts seems stroking my beard, yeah, it's looking good on my chin.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Um,

there'll be no side chemistry.

Um, Mike, we've known each other

longer than I've known Gareth.

Definitely.

I met Gareth at your reading in

whatever year that was.

No, that's not where I met you.

I thought that was where I met you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, different reading, different reading.

I apologize.

i uh i've been in so many readings yeah you're a good reading guy i am not in this not in the actual show i'm just i'm a good reader a great reader yeah you're an amazing reader mike what is your album called do you do you have a title uh yes the title is a gaggle of red flags

and uh it's

it's just uh

you know, a consortium of sad songs and

introspective songs

well your last one was called sad songs to be sad to right sad songs to get sad to yeah to get sad to that is on uh all of the streaming services which look good yeah

i actually went to your first time you did all those and i was kind of crying it was very strange i was like in the back alone like

oh my god that's the goal

mike is one of the funniest human beings so you should go he's the funniest and he can make you the saddest yeah god he's funny

once i made everyone laugh i decided to make them cry there's there's a clip of mike when he did kimmel back in the day and his amp doesn't work when he's about to play his guitar oh yeah it is

what a you rolled with the punches so well yeah i did i mean i'm not bragging but uh you know you've been in that situation you kind of have to oh so good and mike's someone you really need to see in person if you get the chance.

Truly, yes.

Literally.

Do not communicate it well, I agree.

It can be communicated, but you see Mike live and you are like...

It's quite confusing when in video.

Well, Mike, after shows,

people will be like, oh, you were funny.

You were funny.

And then

people would be like, you're amazing.

And then one out of every six people would be like, you're fucked up.

Like, people would be like,

I don't know.

And then they'd go, you're fucking crazy, man.

And I was like, well, that's a compliment.

They're like,

this is not a compliment, sir.

No, I legitimately want to get help from you right now.

I have some therapist friends.

And I know people at mental hospitals.

Yeah, that has happened.

It has happened.

And I always think it's charming.

And then it's not.

And then it is.

There are so many people who are like, but you feel a little shitty when people think you're not pretending to be mentally ill.

Well, Mike and I did a show once at San Jose, and I came out, I was hosting, and the first thing I said was, San Jose is either pretty hot women or homeless people.

And

it was brutal and Mike was like, dog, that's not a good way to start a show.

He's like, I live here.

I'm no MC myself, but I feel like that might be a bad way to start a program.

It was bad.

Where can people get the new album, Mike?

It will be on all the streaming demons and, and,

you know, Apple Music and whatnot.

The streamins.

The stream-ins.

Streaming demons.

And then you don't know when it'll be out necessarily.

I think it'll be out the first week of September.

Okay, great.

All right.

And it's called A Gaggle of Red Flags.

Yes.

All right.

You got it.

That's what I settled on.

Well, it sounds like you're brimming with confidence as usual over your choices.

A song about lacking confidence on the album.

So this

works out quite well.

There you are.

Okay, Mike.

So

the way this will happen at the beginning is that we're going to guess what year this paper's from.

Dave will, you're going to win no matter what.

Because Dave has

yeah, but it's not earned because Dave, it's just how Dave is passive-aggressively doing stuff to me.

But anyway,

it doesn't even matter.

So, but you guess first, Mike.

That's the best way to do this.

Otherwise, some weird stuff happens.

So, it could be,

it could be 1700s, probably going to be 1800s, 1900s, could be 2000s, but it's up to you.

Okay, I'm going to go just 100 years from my birth, 1876.

1876.

It's interesting.

I like that a lot.

I'm going to say.

You're wrong.

1894.

You're way off.

The mic is much closer.

It's 1858, July 27th.

So that's a legitimate win.

You're off and wrong.

It's just say I lost.

See, Mike, I have to do all that stuff before,

and now it seems strange that I did it, but I have to do it because of Dave.

Dave has imbalances.

You're almost psychic in a way because you called it.

Yes, I got that part right.

You suck, Dave.

So obviously, as we said beforehand, the loser needs to say I lost.

So before we continue.

I don't remember that part, but I for the sake of the show, once again, I will just say

I lost.

Oh, it's hard to say you lost in modern times because people, oh, no, it's not.

It took a while.

I say

it took you like 30 seconds.

30 seconds.

Come on.

Okay.

It took a while.

It was like, it was hard to watch.

It was hard to watch.

All right.

Let's just, come on now.

Let's get this show cooking.

The Detroit Free Press, Detroit, Michigan.

Tuesday, July 27th, 1858.

You're of our Lord.

Police court.

Oh, it's just a list of crimes.

Oh, they're good.

John Fay stole a sheepskin, the property of the Michigan Central Railroad Company, and was sent up for 90 days.

Hmm.

90 days for stealing a sheepskin.

Yeah,

got you in the workhouse.

And then you get out, and then they put you in the poorhouse.

So that's probably 180 days.

That hasn't changed.

I don't know why you stole it, though.

If memory serves back then, they were pretty cheap.

I like how

it's the property of

the railroad.

Railroad, yeah.

They're just transporting the sheep.

Yeah.

Under the dark of night?

No, it's how like a firehouse had a Dalmatian, you know, like a little mascot that the trains just had like a sheepskin that they were like.

What do you think, Grace?

Yeah.

Ephraim Beecher stealing six chickens from Dan Coaglin.

The complainant was unable to identify his chickens with exactness, and the defendant was given the benefit of a doubt and discharged.

I mean, to be fair, asking someone to identify their chick, like,

it's like a lineup.

They bring them into the lineup room, like, all right, which four are yours?

Like, they all look very similar.

And I've never trusted the name Ephraim.

You know, I agree.

It's Dodge, Dodge City.

That name.

I agree.

I agree.

I would assume that they were like, okay,

describe your chickens without them being there.

And he was like, well, they're

chickens.

Beaks.

Yeah, beaks.

Clawed.

There are only a certain amount of kinds of chickens, so I guess.

There's three.

There's three.

What?

I think there's three.

You know that for sure.

What just happened?

I don't know.

Just guessing.

There's only three types of chicken, and they all look the same.

That's my album.

I like it.

It's ready to drop

quicker than mine.

Cheers will come out sometime in the next 10 years.

Charles Watson and Henry Hamlock were tried for assault.

They were on a spree on celebration day, and as a natural consequence, got drunk, drew pistols, etc.

As a natural consequence in 1853, a natural consequence.

They got drunk, so obviously there was guns.

They were tried for assault.

40 days.

So yeah, it's just, it's a longer sentence for the sheepskin.

Yep.

Yes.

Cheapskin should be the

most egregious.

Yeah.

You can run around with guns and you 40 days is all you get.

Yep.

Sheepskin,

they'll hang you.

That's right.

Times have changed.

The same fate as the sheepskin.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it for the crime.

Oh, that's the start of the paper.

It's a light day in Detroit.

Yeah.

That's a light day in Detroit with three, just three animal-based crimes.

It's

week's probably the same.

crimes listed up top.

So much more murder.

Well, there was,

let me see, I think there was a murder.

Assault and battery.

Assault and battery, fine for cost of suit.

And

for suit?

Oh, no.

This is just two guys, dock loafers, were sent up for 30 days.

So they were loafing on a dock.

Dock loafers.

You don't hear it as much.

You don't hear it as much these days, unfortunately.

Well, if you do, it's like yacht rock attire.

That is true.

That is not unwrong.

Thank you for putting that so diplomatically.

Thank you for leaving me with a puzzle on whether or not I was right.

That is so not wrong.

It is a quandary.

A woman's rights champion.

A dilapidated female.

That's a...

She's a fixer-upper.

She's the insurance company's coming by later.

We're going to assess her.

But so far, I don't know.

We might just have to tear her down and do a full rebuild.

The editor was like, perfect word choice.

Perfect word choice.

Wow.

Dilapidated female.

Holy shit.

I haven't seen a woman like this since I drove past that house out in the prairie.

We're condemning her.

She is done.

A dilapidated female of a very uncertain age, dressed in a dirty calicone gown, slip-shod shoes and a very limpsy sunbonnet took our office by storm yesterday love a limp

yeah they were attacking they were attacking yeah yeah no wonder she's dilapidated

she looked very seedy and we need not add jesus leave her alone

wore no hoops she wore no hoops oh my god the i think the girl

the absolute disgusting.

Hoops are in dresses, so that's

she's wearing a dress.

She was going hoopless.

By the way, I don't know

the level of comfort,

the difference in the comfort level of hoop and non.

Seriously.

Oh, just hell.

Just getting ready was hell.

Or sitting, you can't sit down in a hoop dress, right?

Like, how could you?

Well, if you do, you sit like, it's like how, you know, it's like you've got to like lift it up like a hen.

I mean, you've just got got to like lift it all up and then kind of plant down and then drop it over yourself.

But

if you're attacking journalists, you just don't want those hoops in your way.

You know, you want to have,

you want to have like a, just a skirt.

Yeah, something you can sort of get a gallop going in.

At the Detroit news.

Yeah.

She said never a word, but threw a small book at our head and dodged out as quick as lightning.

Okay.

I'm just going to say that.

And the first winter gave her is that she's fast as fuck.

Yeah.

Don't you think she just tossed it on the desk and they're like, that was on our head.

Just why would she stick around?

Everyone was like, God, so many problems.

I guess it really matters what the book is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I know.

Astonished, we'd hurried to the door and caught a glimpse of her apron strings streaming out behind as she turned the corner at such speed that the thought was at once suggested that she must have taken us for policemen and been reminded thereby of sundry nights spent in the caliboos for vagrancy.

A lot of assumptions.

She's also of an indeterminate age, but she's very fast.

So we're, yeah, it's hard to figure out.

Well, we don't know how old she is, but we're not cops, but we don't know how old she is.

We don't know much.

She had an apron on, and she's definitely been to jail, just judging by the way she was.

Beautiful writing,

poetic, with the strings flowing behind her.

Yeah.

I believe they just called her a prostitute.

Oh, my God.

Oh, which part was that idea?

By saying she got

spent nights in the calibus for vagrancy, they're saying for vagrancy.

They're saying, yeah, no, she's a street.

She's a street lady.

And the calibus jail, like that was just a common phrase.

No, no, you pay extra, you could put it in the calaboose.

Another 50 bucks to let you go in that calibus.

Yeah, for sure.

Absolutely.

Trust me, boys.

Contented with this explanation.

Go ahead.

God.

This contented with this explanation, we returned and incidentally picked up the book, which was found upon examination to be an essay on women's rights, coached in the most emphatic and unmistakable terms.

Boy, I don't know what was her problem.

Why was she so curious about women having rights?

Seems like she's doing fine with the society as currently constructed.

I hear the article seems like

she might be right the way they're talking shit about her for no fucking reason.

Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, I know what her problem was.

She doesn't like the tiered system.

Hoopeless.

You may as well have your legs open, woman.

Honestly, no hoops running around, hoopless.

No hoops.

Women's rights.

Perusing this, we found that our friend of the CD

is a reformer on a grand scale.

She proposes nothing less than a colonization of the female race independent of any such useless appendages as men.

The book is headed Mental and Psychological Phenomena or the Wife's Revelations.

A written verse upon the cover mutilates four lines of the sublime exposition of Hafed in the fire worshipers as follows.

And then

they're really mad.

Yes, I am of that impious race.

I am of that

outcast few who hail youth's everlasting place where love's sweet empire reigns.

Tis heaven.

Okay.

And then it goes on to list the stuff she wants.

So here we go.

Get ready.

I mean,

buckle up for this bullshit.

We want a track of land and some good gentlemen who will be honest enough to pay us when we work.

So that we'll be able to do that.

Okay.

Thank you.

Over the edge.

Thank you.

I've heard enough.

Okey-dokey.

Holy shit.

You know, women are just not comfortable with you promising a wage.

They actually want follow-through, which is just

disgusting.

Disgusting.

They're calling for gentlemen as well, which is, you know, they're

not a lot.

Not a lot of nice dudes back then.

No, fuck no.

Are you kidding me?

The idea, imagine finding like a guy where you're like, I think like they would probably get together and be like, don't worry, Tom is actually nice.

He pays money for work.

I see.

He pays for work.

He gets it.

Down with all the wicked and brutal propagandism of the human race by organized and systematic frauds for the enslavement of the sex.

Why may not every guilel daughter of Adam and Eve

daughter of Adam go out as Eve did and cultivate a garden instead of starving and rotting in the vile attics and basements or swelling and hooped, flounced popetry?

puppetry.

Good.

This is the back to the paper comments.

Good.

We second that last suggestion.

It sounds spunky.

How the words change over time.

We should like to see them plowing and mowing in the hot sun with the thermometer at 98 or carrying bags of wheat weighing 200, cleaning out the barn and butchering fat borkers and making themselves generally useful by shining, shitting up a pole, a slippery pole, to the top of a haystack and sliding onto the pig sty.

We go in for the all-women, no man reformation.

Wonder how many generations will survive to perpetuate the names of the founders.

Good God.

They're just like, can we get paid for our work?

And the skies, yeah, why don't you lift a giant sack of feed?

Your job is to go into the bar and clean out the porkers.

God,

I mean, it's shocking.

It's so similar to Twitter.

You just can't, yeah, I can barely breathe.

It's just so similar.

It's almost like something you'd see under like a thing where a guy's like, for real.

All right, listen to me.

Your job is pretty straightforward.

Clean out porkers and shut the fuck up.

Porkers.

The guy is just like using kind of

very esoteric language to talk about pigs.

Yeah.

Clean out the porkers.

Well, I mean,

justified in throwing the book and running away.

And then

she said like a hooped-based, you know, she talked about the hoops in her treatise.

She said it's just...

hoops are fucking ridiculous.

And

she was exactly right.

She hated hoops and wanted to be paid for work.

And these guys are like, This is disgusting.

Oh,

that is a bridge too far.

A bridge

too far.

Excuse me.

Well, I hope it worked out for her.

It didn't.

She went back to the caboodle or wherever.

They sent her straight back to the cabikalagodoom, boom, boom.

Yeah.

She would have been one of the first ladies in town to wear pants, and they would have lost their minds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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desperate fight stabbing a fray

a man named george sheldon a runner for one of the omnibus lines was stabbed at the central hotel yesterday in a very serious manner manner receiving several bad wounds that's not not a serious manner maybe in a joking fashion it wasn't one of those mild stabbings that we used to in town.

But it's all good.

Was it a legitimate stabbing or like a

stabbing?

It's a goofy one.

He goofed it.

He goofed it pretty good in his gut.

It was a bit of a lark stab.

It was cute.

It was a cutie.

Although we know someone who could get stabbed in a goofy way, Luke.

Like, if there's any human being on earth who would get stabbed, it would be like a jokey joke.

Well, he has stabbed himself.

And

there's a story about him like that.

That is

pretty goofy.

Yeah, he like dropped a sword on his foot and was like, oh, no.

Oh, like, oh, you know, and that's the first part of that sentence is the most important.

He had a fucking sword for no reason.

Yeah.

No, like multiple.

You're like, what?

He was like the guy that watched the QVC sword fucking thing back in the day.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I need that.

I need that for sure.

You're basically giving Katana's away.

That's crazy.

It can't be that sharp if it's from QVC.

It can't be very sharp.

They may as well take that sword and slash those prices because this is a steal.

I'll take six.

I'll take six.

I'm not an idiot.

Only five didn't cut my foot open.

Yeah.

Okay, so the manner in which the affair occurred was as follows.

Sheldon found some of his clothes mutilated by being cut with a knife and repaired repaired to the parlor where he found

imagine that order where you're like, My shirt's a bit torn,

sweet mother of mercy.

I do believe I've been,

I'll go to the smoking room

to reflect on this.

Time to go think about this.

Where he found a Dr.

James Lewis, whom he accused of having done it.

The latter denied it, and a fight ensued.

The parties using chairs at first.

Well,

well,

you go to accuse the local doctor of stabbing you.

Yeah.

There's going to be a fracas.

The one bridge to not burn when you've been stabbed.

Like, accuse someone else who used the doctor.

I love that then.

The first thing they went to was a chair fight.

Yeah.

And then

one guy's stabbed, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's bleeding out.

No, he's not stabbed yet.

His whole clothing was.

His clothing was

stabbed, stabbed.

Well, that's who I turned to first.

No, he's a fucking doctor.

He ripped my clothes apart.

Sorry.

No,

he was at a hotel, and in his room, he found his clothes had been cut up.

Some guy stabbed his outfit.

So he's a dick because no one slices your clothes unless you're a dick.

Yeah,

if you're a pleasant human, no way.

They finally grappled, and in the melee, the doctor used a knife with which he had previously been cleaning his nails.

Okay, well, that's a fucking

no one should start cleaning their nails with a knife.

There's just like shards of clothing on the knife.

He's like, oh, just for my nails, just for my nails.

Is that corduroy under your nail?

Are all your fingers bleeding?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you gotta clean them.

To be fair, though, I mean, imagine the under-nail gunk that we were dealing with back then.

I mean, it had to just be be like

a

you needed, you needed a bowie knife just to clean the nails.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

You needed a really, like a Rambo knife just to

spray it around.

Yeah, just to get under there.

My great-grandpa, he just cut the tips of his fingers off.

That's better.

Ah, that's a good idea.

That's a sound criminal, right there.

Yeah,

that's easy.

Even before the fingerprints were available.

You talk about Stubbs Anthony?

Yes.

You talk about him fondly a lot.

I do.

He was great.

He almost seems imaginary, but I trust

to you.

Yeah.

Not to us.

We celebrate him here.

So the doctor stabbed Sheldon several times with it on the head, shoulder, and side.

Oh, so he was going for a kill.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes.

Shoulders, knees, and toes.

To go from like,

you stabbed my clothes, and then you'd be like, well, that was actually a better era, considering you've knifed my head.

Stabbing someone in the head is amazing.

I do feel like this doctor is way too ready with a knife.

I don't know.

Well, I mean, he's a doctor, Michael.

He's an operator.

You never know

if you amputate someone.

Well, he looked to the nurse and he goes, knife.

There's a nurse in here?

There's a nurse, yeah.

She handed him the knife.

Can I get the clothes knife and then I'm going to take the stomach knife?

Not the clothes knife, stomach knife.

Stomach knife?

How about give me the head blade?

So he stabbed him multiple times.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

The knife was a common pocket knife, and the blade was not of sufficient length to inflict a very deep wound.

All right, so it's a little knife.

Yeah, okay.

But there's still

you're not supposed to be punctured.

No, does that lessen your time in the hooskow when it's just a tiny knife?

The cuts in the side are just below.

Your honor, he hit him with a cutie.

He got it at an amusement park for fucking throwing balls into barrels.

Good lord.

It barely broke the skin.

The cuts in the side are just below the ribs and are very bad ones.

Well, yeah, those are

the cuts.

Any cut seems pretty.

Yeah, I'm opposed to any stabbings personally.

Sheldon got away from him and went downstairs to the office, his course being marked the whole length by a stream of blood.

So he could follow the trail.

At least I'll know where I started.

Yeah.

The doctor immediately went out and bought a small pistol of a peddler.

This fucking doctor is this doctor.

It's like Dr.

Giggles or

one of these horror doctors, horror movie doctors.

Doctor won't let it go.

Now I'm going to shoot him.

And they could just, that was just the time.

Not that you can't walk into Walmart and get a gun, but back then they're like, yeah, please take it, take it.

Yeah, the guy was like, there's a five-minute waiting period.

And he was proceeding to load it when he was arrested by officers Whitman and Mahaney and lodged in jail.

Boy, those cops got there fast.

Yeah, they did.

Way different.

They were drinking

a bar, probably.

Yeah, they were.

Yeah, probably.

Ah, shit.

Here we go.

The wounded man was taken upstairs and medical attendance was summoned.

Hey, Doc.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm good.

No, I'm okay.

I'm okay.

He's the only fucking doctor in town.

I think it's better.

I'm feeling a bit better.

I'll just put one of these brown towels on it.

I think I'll feel a little bit better.

This guy has killed half the population of this village.

I don't care to see him.

I don't care to see him.

I really don't.

I'll fix that.

I'll fix it.

Nurse.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Take off the handcuffs.

Take off the handcuffs.

I'm ready to operate.

I really need to get.

I really need to get in there.

I want to save this man from what's happening.

I just need my knife back.

All right.

Now, I'm just going to delicately take the head off.

There we are.

You should be feeling a lot better.

His wounds will probably not prove fatal unless those in his side are much worse than anticipated.

So you don't know.

So you don't know.

Can someone luck?

Yeah.

These seem to have

made by turning the blade of the knife in the wound and maybe...

Oh my God, he's stuck in twisted.

He's touching.

He's stuck and twisted.

He's as twisted as it is.

That's how you get away with a tiny knife.

You know how to use it, you know?

Yeah, you just poke it all the way through.

There you go.

I'm used to a larger knife, but I do adjust.

All right.

Quick question.

Would you rather be stabbed with a large knife without the twist or a tiny one with two twists?

Ooh.

I don't know.

Dr.

Lewis is a traveling eye doctor and would seem to have been...

It would seem to have been a man of ungovernable passion, if not of desperate character, from the manner in which he used his knife.

He inflicted several wounds upon himself during the fight, cutting his leg and hand with his own knife.

I don't think it was backwards.

He needs some knife lessons.

I don't know if they were available back then.

He goes to the knife range and just starts.

It's like you stab

potatoes.

Nobody.

I'm afraid you stabbed yourself again.

God damn it.

I don't know what's crazier.

The fact that

he's stabbing with tidy or knives or that there was an eye doctor in existence.

Just a madman eye doctor, just roaming the fucking

roaming.

Yeah, it would just be like uh

so what's wrong with your eyes i can't see out of them

all right here we're gonna give you the same pair of glasses every other feller gets i can't see

well

yeah i don't know that's pretty much that's it's the fact that he had to relocate to detroit from chicago for stabbing so many ophthalmologist patients Well,

my doctor's new, but he had to leave the truth.

He stabbed a guy a bunch.

He's growing up.

He's one of the new, there's a new ophthalmologist.

They're called cutters.

Yeah, he's a cutting ophthalmologist.

It's no different than the lasers of today.

It's today's, yeah.

He would shave part of your cornea off just to, you know, like.

This is called knife lacing.

I overcut.

Oh, we'll shave your eyeballs until you can see right.

Trust me, trust me.

Don't worry, all right.

I'm gonna start and just say when

the eye doctor is, yeah, the eye doctor is like the old dentist where you're just like, I don't trust this motherfucker.

No way

with your eye, then

I'm gonna put a series of needles in your eyes until they get better and then a couple leeches.

Okay,

take care of the children yes a small boat yeah thank you agree i just i i just i i i just completely agree with that

a small boat containing six youngsters was capstized was capsized on saturday in the river opposite the foot of second street through the carelessness or inexperience of its juvenile managers All right.

Those are kids.

Kids.

Yeah, they sunk a boat.

They're kids.

Yeah, you know, those kid captains, they can be problematic.

They're not as sharp on the deck.

But

Counterpoint?

Very cheap.

Very cheap.

Yeah, they're just explorers.

You really think we'll be able to find a new passage to India?

Oh, yeah.

For sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We seem a bit lost, boys.

But you know where we are still?

Shut up.

Yeah, shut your face.

I'm driving pictures.

We're getting pictures with chalk.

They should bring back that, though, is for people who drive cars, vehicle managers.

Oh.

Because I think that the boat manager

is just

too flowery for these journalists.

They were just trying to get their poetry in there.

That's what I was saying.

If you were able to get a young child driver for your car after you'd had a couple drinks, I don't hate it.

Uber Kid.

You just get like a kid dropped off to drive your car home.

You guys haven't done Uber Kid?

Oh, they're great.

Yeah.

You want to go as high as you can go.

You know, 17 is probably best, safest.

But 10 is fun.

They honk the horn so much.

They love it.

Oh, they love it.

The sunroof's always down.

How you doing, Master?

I'm pretty drunk.

You have a good time today?

Yeah, he's all right.

Today,

he's day drinking.

That's what he's doing.

You can only day drink and get these kids.

Well, there's curfew.

You gotta get curfew.

There's something to think about as far as the curfew.

Oh, I can't take y'all away because I gotta be home by 8:45.

You ready to go, Vroom Vroom?

Yeah, yeah,

what

uh, they uh they were fortunately discovered and all rescued by a y'all boat, which was sent out from the shore to their relief.

If parents will allow their children to play on the wharves and take sails upon the river under no proper care, they must not be astonished to receive from them,

they must not be astonished to receive them home stiff and cold as their bodies may be taken from the water.

Nick just capsized.

The yawl boat is

the yawl boat is pretty good.

The captain.

Hi, y'all.

You worried?

You guys drowning or what?

Y'all in a bit of a fix.

I'm here.

I'm here for you.

I'm worried.

I'm here for you.

The y'all boat's here.

So, what's y'all's plan now?

Y'all need me or

should I just go on, y'all?

What are we thinking?

Do you need help?

Should I get out of here?

Where are y'all at?

Don't worry.

The y'all boats here.

Just the idea.

Well, you're just going to have a cold, dead child if you keep letting your children misbehave.

Yeah, keep letting them go on a boat on the river.

In 1853, the idea that they're like, kids can't go on boats seems, again, it's one of those.

I'm like, they had that line back then of like, no, Tom Sawyer, it was a dream of a child to just escape on a boat.

Oh, that was their whole thing.

If a child's on a boat, he should have a slave.

That is law.

Oh, Lord.

It's July, and looking at the temperatures, it's like the temperature of the water is like between 77 and

78.

That's now, so it's probably five degrees cooler.

But they wouldn't freeze.

They'd just be swimming around.

Yeah, right.

It's all humid.

It kind of feels nice.

Y'all need to eat.

It's like we got to capsize more.

We got to capsize more often, friends.

Y'all okay?

We meant to capsize to cool our

brows to cool our brows come down no y'all need to get on the y'all boat this is crazy this is literally crazy right now here you go come on form a human chain link everybody hold each other's hands y'all are doing we're swimming no you're not y'all are doing y'all capsize y'all are coming out of that water you understand me whether y'all like it or not all right the y'all boat is not here to discuss i'm here to enforce y'all get up on my get up on the y'all boat now Now

should be ashamed of yourselves, y'all out here doing stuff like that.

Unbelievable.

There is a great you can die.

That water is it.

That water is as cold as mildly heated soup.

It's like

it's a command soup.

It's like a poorly made soup.

This is like a bad soup.

Somebody didn't stoke the fire under the under the mulligan stew.

Y'all get up there now.

You, the eldest, you should be ashamed of yourself.

You Boil yourself half.

I'm refreshed.

Shut up.

No.

You died, basically.

How y'all voted ashore?

Y'all vote to shore.

Yeah, we got them.

We got them.

Y'all ain't gonna believe what they were up.

They're capsizing out of here, and they want to keep going.

They look like they're in swimsuits.

Yeah, it's not good.

It was obviously a group suicide attempt.

And that's what they're trying to do is they're all trying to go at once.

Kids love that stuff.

They think they go to heaven in one boat then.

You know how they do with the packs.

With the packs, the different packs, the suicide packs.

You know how y'all be going around?

They got the packs.

They love a pack, these kids.

Kids now be packed.

And when I was a boy, we didn't packed once.

No.

Y'all, you were on your own.

We did it by ourselves.

We did.

You made a self-packed.

I became a blood brother to my other hand.

That's how I did it.

I became a blood brother to my, I cut my one hand, I cut my other hand, I put them together and I said, a bond is forever formed between right and left.

That was how we did it.

You remember that?

We were boys.

Y'all remember.

Anyway, these kids are just.

Yeah, go ahead.

I remember we made fun of you when you did that.

Well, I didn't need you back then.

I had my right hand.

I didn't need y'all.

Look, do you want the kids?

Do you not want the kids?

I'm not staying here for my freaking health.

Okay.

Just leave them in the river.

They're having fun.

They are drowning the lot of them.

It looked like they were drowning.

They were splashing at each each other.

They were splashing.

They were screaming.

It was simple hijinks upon reflection.

No, I do not agree.

I do not agree.

What looks like

they were losing their minds in there.

And if anything, they were declaring hijinks after the fact.

During, they needed me.

By the way, I fell in love with this group since I got them to shore.

I am.

I just, I'll be honest with y'all.

Like, I just, I've been hugging these kids.

I just, they are incorrigible little scare.

We actually wanted to talk to y'all about that.

I'm not doing anything.

That's maritime law.

I can do what I want.

I don't follow land law.

It was in the middle of the river henceforth.

There were no laws.

There were no laws when I was out there when I'd hugged them.

And I must have been in Europe.

Stop.

It's become a pattern that you keep rescuing boys from the river and then.

They are drowning.

Y'all didn't see them.

They're drowning out there.

God.

Now, before we get them off, let's do one more group hug and then one individual hug with me and each one.

Yes?

No, sir.

I can't step on shore, by the way, boys.

There's some stuff happening.

On a couple lists.

On a couple.

A couple lists that I don't want to talk about.

That's why I live out here.

Rivers, my

river's my life.

River is my home.

River's my home.

I got a water mansion.

All right, I got to go.

All right.

No, I'm going.

No, I feel y'all want me to go.

I'm going get out of here.

I get it.

I'm feeling the

save.

Gonna miss the hell out of these kids.

All right, that's it.

Here we go.

There is a great deal of carelessness.

It's hard to leave.

I can't be honest.

Nobody ever asked me questions about my y'all boat.

Y'all want to know why it's called that?

No.

All right.

There is a great deal of carelessness manifested by parents in regard to their children, and it is a growing evil.

It is not unusual to see children of not more than three or four years of age straying in dangerous localities along the wharves.

On whose shoulders would the blame lie if they were drowned?

I'll tell you whose.

God damn it.

Yeah.

The journalists just following around three and four-year-olds just being like, whoa, you're up to no good.

I should push them in.

Show them.

Make a point.

I should show them by pushing them.

Three and four-year-olds just

wandering like stray dogs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I picture of 1850.

That's how I picture 1853.

I don't picture someone like, that's dangerous.

Oh, no.

There's no, that's dangerous.

That's why you have 11 kids.

You'd be like, yeah, you're going to lose like four to drowning, three to TB.

You boss, why don't you set the dock on fire while you're on it out there?

And if they escape a watery grave, who will save them from drowning in the lakes of moral depravity that are to be found along the streets and docks of this city?

Parents, take care of your children.

Wow, don't live near the docks.

Yeah, docks are going to the docks.

Docks aren't a great place for kids.

It's so little to do.

You stick to dirt mounds.

You hear me?

Yeah.

Trash and dirt mounds.

Go collect the fish and hooks in your feet.

Preferably in your feet.

Take all the hooks.

You boys are cooking hooks.

You got 17 today in the foot.

Yeah.

Well done.

That's like six kinds of tetanus.

Tetanus.

Impressive.

Stolen property.

Officer Port arrested a woman in Windsor yesterday having having in her possession a quantity of red flannel and several dark-colored straw

hats, which were undoubtedly stolen.

The owners needed to convict her by identifying the property.

Wow.

The owners needed to confess

her.

Basically, they found a mission.

Nobody reported it.

Yeah, they found a woman with a lot of stuff.

They're like, where'd you get it?

But a lot of Canadian stuff, which they were...

A lot of flannel.

They're like, we can't have these men and women in America wearing flannel like those Canooks.

This woman's trying to start grunge again.

And what isn't Windsor?

Windsor's not in Canada, Canada.

It's not in Canada.

It's just right over the border, I guess.

Yeah.

Is that what I thought it was?

Because that's, I remember you could go to Windsor and get drunk if you were like 17 or 16

in the 80s.

Windsor is a charter township.

It's like unincorporated.

Yeah,

it is different from Windsor, Ontario, which is a crazy thing.

Oh, okay.

That's what I was thinking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think a lot of kids died when they would drive up to get drunk in Canada.

Hope so.

Well,

the teetotaler speaks up.

Yeah.

That'd be awesome to go to that bar, like my age now, walk in there and be like, this place is pretty cool.

A lot of like 17-year-old kids.

It's awesome.

You guys want to hear some stories about being an old man?

It's like hard enough to go into a place with 28-year-olds.

Yeah, 17-year-olds.

But they're getting younger and younger.

This is crazy.

So, what's your favorite Pokemon?

Any of you remember TRL?

I was negative five when that was out.

Amen.

The latest from Utah.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

The Mormons remain at Provo yet, not wishing to bring their females near the soldier boys.

Jesus Christ.

I just, I mean, on

Jesus Christ.

Not wanting to bring their females.

Well, you get them around the soldier boys, and then they're getting the sex.

I take them to the park, let them run the energy out.

This is like right before the Civil War.

Like, what are the soldiers?

Like, there's just

like, what's going on?

Oh, they're fighting.

The soldier boys are just like fucking marching down the street.

And

don't let the ladies near them.

When was the Mormon

war?

I mean, it's definitely, they're definitely out there to fight Native Americans, but

I don't know when the Mormon wars were.

That was a war that went on for a while.

Utah War of 1857 to 1858.

Oh, wow.

Bada Bing.

What was that war all about?

Yeah.

Between Mormon settlers and troops over them having their own territory.

They're They're like, we found a fake Bible.

They're like, no, you didn't.

They're like,

we're going to start some shit about this.

You're coming up with fake Bibles.

We're fucking attacking.

I mean, you got to.

They found a fake Bible, and they're like, apparently we could take eight wives.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The general's like, sounds a little dodgy, I'd say.

It's on the front page of this one.

No, no, you guys haven't read the found

once you read it you'll it'll totally become pathetic

why do you read the part about anal there's a whole section yeah the um one of the options is for that oh there's this is a long book so you guys better just take some time to read it and stop attacking us go to the diagram page

I didn't know.

I really didn't know there was a Mormon war that

exploded.

I mean, it makes sense.

It didn't.

We tried to stamp out the Mormons Mormons a while ago.

No, but they put him down.

They put them down and just said, you guys could stay there.

Yeah, eventually they're like, well, just be weird here.

They're like, oh, for fuck's sake, fine.

Just stay there.

Don't do not leave.

Just be weird here.

Just be weird there with your little extra Bible.

Awesome.

The women were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you guys were on the right track.

Please

shut up and put your hoops on.

Kathy, you have some apologizing to do.

uh

they are living there the majority at least in tents while their comfortable houses in this city remain vacant with all the doors and windows boarded up okay so that yeah this must be when there's fighting going on

none of the genteels can obtain house room either for dwellings or for store purposes This is particularly hard on the merchants who have brought out large stocks of goods.

Can we sell during the war?

Sad.

You don't have any cokes or sprites.

It's kind of boring.

I know.

No, you've got to be.

You've got lame products.

Flowers.

Anyone want a flower?

Do you like Fanta?

Anyone want to buy a woman?

I've got nine.

I've got a lot of money.

I've got a whole card of Dave's here.

Please, we need to.

I need to serve rights.

Quiet.

I wouldn't buy that one.

She's a little yippy.

No reason is assigned by the Mormons for this dog in the manger policy, except, as they say, they want first to see what the army will do and where it will locate.

As yet, none have been able to procure sleeping apartments except the governor, secretary, marshal, and commissioners.

It's all the top guys.

We have nice places.

We're fine.

That's cool.

And even most of them had for a while to sleep in their wagons.

Many of the merchants arrived in the city today.

All right.

Well.

What was the dog in the.

Yeah, dog in the manger.

Dog in the manger.

Dog in the manger.

I don't know.

This isn't Jesus at all.

In our Bible, Jesus is a dog.

By the way, anals, all systems go, nine wives.

It was a dog.

He was born in April.

Yeah.

That's what it says in our Bibliography.

So we're going to do Christmas in April if that's cool with everyone for our dog, our dog good.

I mean, look, God is dog backwards so i think that could be the army attack they're like no

way you're doing christmas in april all right we gotta go kill him they're doing a dog jesus

this is just nuts no oh but it's a puppy look at him

it's very cute but no who are you who's gonna get worshipped who's a little good boy oh

oh my god all my dogs all my dogs just were like what yeah you're i mean the fact that one of your dogs is like i love when animals sleep on pillows with their heads.

Oh, my God.

It's one of my favorite learned skills where dogs are.

I mean, you're just

interrupting.

You're just in the way.

Yeah, they're just like, he's doing that stupid shit again.

Talking to his imaginary friends.

So a dog in the manger is someone who selfishly prevents others from using or enjoying something, even though they cannot use it or enjoy it themselves.

Just, I mean, most of the time.

Oh, I can't have eight wives.

I can't have eight wives.

I'm going to go stream with the guy with eight wives.

All right.

We got a real dog in in the manger on this wife thing, getting a lot of pushback.

It's the party pooper of yesteryear, I guess.

This guy's fucking up our whole game.

This dog in the manger.

The army's pretty bad.

They're nuts.

They're saying one wife.

I think it would be.

Yeah, go on.

Sorry.

A literal air castle.

What?

No, this guy was like, and then it's an ad

Steiner, an aeronaut, has got a new idea in his head, which he proposes to put in practice on the occasion.

He's a musk of their generation.

He is.

Of the New York State Fair at Syracuse this fall.

He intends to have built a small house, say about 10 square feet.

That's a really small house.

I mean, it's very shed.

Are we calling it a shed or a house?

It's a dog house.

It's a house.

Trust me, it's a house.

It's a dog.

If you're in the fucking sky, it's a house to you.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

10 feet in the sky.

Okay.

And capable of containing in comfort four or five persons.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Agreed.

Agreed.

All right.

We're all on the same page.

No way.

Which, with its occupants, is...

to be slung beneath his large balloon, Star of the West, and taken up to the clouds.

Honestly,

absolute death.

It's like

a guy, he drank, he drank

14 meads, and he was like, and then he read Jack and the Beanstalk, and he's like, Cloudhouse.

Cloudhouse it is.

I was dying for an invention and the gods gave me one.

Cloudhouse.

Cloudhouse.

You know, it's like I'm a drunk gulliver.

Yeah.

Drelliver.

Yeah.

How many people are you thinking you can fit in here?

So five people can fit there, and then obviously

the balloon runs out.

I mean, you live there for, what, 30 minutes?

Yeah, it's just,

it's hell.

I mean, it's basically like a hot air balloon adventure, but instead, like it would be like in the basket of the hot air balloon, you're like, you can fit 10 in here.

Yeah.

It's like, let's have a, let's have a quick dinner.

Just to pretend like we live in a cloud.

And then you're going up.

You're like, how do we get down?

He's like, I don't know.

I I can't believe you guys said, yeah.

This is just an outhouse with a balloon.

You can take off with the cloud house, but no one ever figured out how to land.

But no one ever figured out the landing.

Oh, my God.

This is a bad plan, sir.

Yeah, I agree in retrospect.

Well, that's our lives done.

We have frequently heard of snakes visiting houses and of their sometimes having been found in and under beds, but we do not recollect ever having heard of as remarkable an escape as an awful death from a snake as the following.

Wow,

from Mr.

T.W.

Bliss, who was present.

Oh, yeah,

sure.

Yeah, I'm sure that's your name.

You fucking murdered somebody

in some other town.

And the snake took a knife.

About five weeks ago, two children of Jacob Schull were living about three and a half miles west from Washington, one H9 and one four,

becoming weary from the excessive heat, lay down on the bed shortly after dinner and were soon fast asleep.

Sometime during the afternoon.

Wait.

So dinner is lunch?

Yeah, no, and then supper would be dinner.

Oh, my God.

No, I was just reading a book

from that time, and that's they're like

dinner is at two o'clock.

Okay, supper.

I don't hate it.

It's insane.

Now we call it keto.

Now we call it starvation.

We could name these things anything we want.

I think that's the lesson here: is that like, what the fuck are we all calling the same thing?

Honestly, yeah.

And how many for dinner?

Oh, our dinner is breakfast.

Oh, God.

Mr.

Schell and our informant, who were working in a field, were compelled to seek the house for shelter from a heavy shower.

They'd scarcely entered when Mrs.

Schell went to the bed to replace some of the covering, which had become displaced when a horrible sight met her eyes.

The head of a huge rattlesnake.

projecting from between the children and its body in close proximity to theirs.

That's actually not good.

No.

Yeah, no.

Or really good.

Depending on.

I don't agree.

On your passion for your children.

Yeah,

correct.

Oh, you'd be like, no, let them, honey, honey, let him go, let him go.

Let him finish this.

Take the one on the left.

Jade, lefty, lefty.

Take the boy.

Take the boy.

The boy.

Bite the boy.

Hey, Hank, will you put your head right near this?

Put your head down by the front a little bit, would you?

Do you hear a little bit of a shaking?

It's like a maraca.

Just go.

Go close.

He wants to hang out.

He's ready to party.

He likes to.

Give him a big squeeze.

Try to dig his breakfast out of his stomach.

Mrs.

Schell was, of course, much frightened, and there is not much doubt but that it would have terminated fatally to at least one of the children had it not been for the providential arrival of the two men, who,

with more presence of mind,

quietly removed them from either side of the bed at the same time without alarming the snake.

Wow, snake was what a lazy snake.

I feel like, I agree.

Yeah, I feel like a rattler would be honest.

Yeah, the snake was just like, oh, that's cool.

I get the bed to myself.

I don't hate it.

I thought I made two new friends, but

where are we all headed?

Hey, Timmy,

can you get up?

Listen, don't turn around,

but just carefully slide off the bed.

But don't turn around.

Where are we going?

It's fine.

I'm just taking you off the bed really quietly.

Okay.

Okay, don't turn around.

Don't forget to take the snake.

What?

Where are we going, mom?

And can we bring Steven?

Can we bring Stephen the snake?

That's my fucking snake, mom.

And now you're just strangling it.

Okay, well,

undoubtedly saving their lives.

His snakeship was then unceremoniously dispatched.

I mean, you're just making up words.

Yeah, there's just like, he's the ruler of the snakes.

Yeah.

I know, he's like a lord snake.

It proved to be a very large one with six rattles in its tail.

How it got there is a mystery.

I don't know what the standard is, but that's

a three rat.

I've seen a three and a four rat, but a six rat.

We got a six ratter here.

And things like fighting moraka.

Who was sleeping after that?

Oh, I'd sleep.

You'd be able to sleep in the bed the next night?

More than ever.

Dave, you're forgetting.

This is how they live in Australia every day.

Christ, you see the size of that spot, huh?

Well,

and they dispatched, they dispatched the snake, so you are free.

Yeah, no, yeah, and I'm writing on the next one, so you got at least a week until the next rattler shows up.

Dispatched it.

You go over there.

In Australia, they're like, are there enough snakes in your bed?

Yeah.

You want a snake in your toilet.

It's what eats the sheep.

It's

flash.

Don't have flash.

Let the snake eat it all.

All right.

Last one.

All right.

The highest ascent of Mount Blanc.

Mr.

Walford, a Cambridge, England from England student, has made the highest ascent of Mount Blanc this year.

He was determined, he said, to go higher than

I don't know what that is.

What's M-L-L-E?

Dot,

no, no, no, no,

Yeah, maybe.

Malorde.

Oh, Malille.

Oh, Mademoiselle.

Mademoiselle.

It would be strange to be like, I'm going to go higher than any woman on this mountain.

They're not allowed to climb it.

Especially because it's named after a pen.

Yes.

Pen mountain.

All right.

So.

You've heard of the fountain pen.

Well,

I got you one better.

We'll say, Mademoiselle.

Mademoiselle d'Augueville, who went up last summer and therefore went on the summit, was lifted upon the shoulders of his guide, who, in like manner, was lifted upon the shoulders of his companions.

No.

Mr.

W, in this manner, succeeded in mounting higher than any of the visitors to Mount Blanc.

I feel that that is not

a viable way to top a mountain.

I agree.

It's like, could I get on my, could I get on me, friend?

Can you you imagine saying that to your Sherpa?

All right, put me on your shoulders.

Now, Jerry, here we go.

Lift us both.

Wait, I'm taking credit.

I'm taking credit, but you're going to take me.

I put me up there.

Yeah,

I'm going to take a look at the crew.

I gave you 35 cents, motherfucker.

Lift me up.

Toss me.

Boys, on the count of three, we all jump.

I know there's no oxygen, but now's a good time to just put me up on your shoulders.

All right, I'm going to get on Ralph's shoulders.

That does show some sort of entitlement there.

Yeah, that guy to be be the one who's like, yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, Christ.

Well, there you go, Michael.

I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, this is the eight.

Thank you for knowing the supper arrangement more than any of our previous guests.

Oh, yeah.

It's a very bizarre situation.

What book were you reading?

I was reading ghost stories.

Ooh, sure.

And

there's just a lot of ghost stories from the mid-1800s.

That's so bad.

They're always talking about,

I I dressed for dinner and I supped with, you know, Caroline St.

Clair.

And then there's a ghost.

And then there's a fucking ghost.

And then, and then there was a ghost.

And it was unsettling.

Yeah,

of course.

Well, thank you, Doggy.

Thank you for having me.

You are the greatest.

People can listen to a gaggle of red flags or sad songs to get sad to, wherever people stream or get music.

What is your preferred way people would get this?

Just buy the album?

Is that number one?

I guess buy the album, but

that seems to be something from another time, like these newspapers.

Don't let them know.

Don't let them know.

Don't let them know.

Yeah, that's only available for

purchase.

Don't be jerks.

Give Mike.

Yes.

Give Mike.

Yeah, no, stream it so the artist doesn't make any money.

It all goes to a corporation.

Do that.

I don't know.

I think that that's for the best.

And at least somebody heard it.

Well, who's going to not build the parks if we don't give the corporations all the money?

Thank you.

Thank you.

You rest your case.

Thank you, Michael.

Thank you for having me.

Thanks so much for

letting me be on this.

We love you.

You'll come back.

Thank you, Doug.

All right.

And as we do with all of our guests, at the end, you're fired.

Thank you very much.

I look forward to that.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What's up, doll heads?

Join the Gare Force.

Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

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But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th.

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Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th.

And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.

on September 21st.

I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

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Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th.

Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.

Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd, two shows.

And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.

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