139 -The Past Times with Mike O'Connell

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Speaker 46 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Speaker 46 Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 46 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Mike O'Connell.

Speaker 45 The greatest dog. Hi, Mike.
How are you? How are you? Good, how are you? All's well in the zoo. All's well in the zoo.

Speaker 45 As always.

Speaker 45 Dave, thoughts seems stroking my beard, yeah, it's looking good on my chin.

Speaker 45 Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Um,

Speaker 45 there'll be no side chemistry. Um, Mike, we've known each other

Speaker 45 longer than I've known Gareth. Definitely.
I met Gareth at your reading in

Speaker 45 whatever year that was. No, that's not where I met you.
I thought that was where I met you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, different reading, different reading.
I apologize.

Speaker 45 i uh i've been in so many readings yeah you're a good reading guy i am not in this not in the actual show i'm just i'm a good reader a great reader yeah you're an amazing reader mike what is your album called do you do you have a title uh yes the title is a gaggle of red flags

Speaker 45 and uh it's

Speaker 45 it's just uh

Speaker 45 you know, a consortium of sad songs and

Speaker 45 introspective songs

Speaker 45 well your last one was called sad songs to be sad to right sad songs to get sad to yeah to get sad to that is on uh all of the streaming services which look good yeah

Speaker 45 i actually went to your first time you did all those and i was kind of crying it was very strange i was like in the back alone like

Speaker 45 oh my god that's the goal

Speaker 45 mike is one of the funniest human beings so you should go he's the funniest and he can make you the saddest yeah god he's funny

Speaker 45 once i made everyone laugh i decided to make them cry there's there's a clip of mike when he did kimmel back in the day and his amp doesn't work when he's about to play his guitar oh yeah it is

Speaker 45 what a you rolled with the punches so well yeah i did i mean i'm not bragging but uh you know you've been in that situation you kind of have to oh so good and mike's someone you really need to see in person if you get the chance.

Speaker 45 Truly, yes.

Speaker 45 Literally. Do not communicate it well, I agree.

Speaker 45 It can be communicated, but you see Mike live and you are like... It's quite confusing when in video.

Speaker 45 Well, Mike, after shows,

Speaker 45 people will be like, oh, you were funny. You were funny.
And then

Speaker 45 people would be like, you're amazing. And then one out of every six people would be like, you're fucked up.
Like, people would be like,

Speaker 45 I don't know. And then they'd go, you're fucking crazy, man.
And I was like, well, that's a compliment. They're like,

Speaker 45 this is not a compliment, sir. No, I legitimately want to get help from you right now.

Speaker 45 I have some therapist friends. And I know people at mental hospitals.
Yeah, that has happened.

Speaker 45 It has happened. And I always think it's charming.
And then it's not. And then it is.

Speaker 45 There are so many people who are like, but you feel a little shitty when people think you're not pretending to be mentally ill.

Speaker 45 Well, Mike and I did a show once at San Jose, and I came out, I was hosting, and the first thing I said was, San Jose is either pretty hot women or homeless people. And

Speaker 45 it was brutal and Mike was like, dog, that's not a good way to start a show. He's like, I live here.
I'm no MC myself, but I feel like that might be a bad way to start a program. It was bad.

Speaker 45 Where can people get the new album, Mike? It will be on all the streaming demons and, and,

Speaker 45 you know, Apple Music and whatnot.

Speaker 47 The streamins.

Speaker 45 The stream-ins. Streaming demons.

Speaker 45 And then you don't know when it'll be out necessarily. I think it'll be out the first week of September.
Okay, great. All right.
And it's called A Gaggle of Red Flags. Yes.
All right. You got it.

Speaker 45 That's what I settled on. Well, it sounds like you're brimming with confidence as usual over your choices.

Speaker 45 A song about lacking confidence on the album. So this

Speaker 45 works out quite well. There you are.

Speaker 45 Okay, Mike. So

Speaker 45 the way this will happen at the beginning is that we're going to guess what year this paper's from.

Speaker 45 Dave will, you're going to win no matter what. Because Dave has

Speaker 45 yeah, but it's not earned because Dave, it's just how Dave is passive-aggressively doing stuff to me.

Speaker 45 But anyway,

Speaker 45 it doesn't even matter. So, but you guess first, Mike.
That's the best way to do this. Otherwise, some weird stuff happens.
So, it could be,

Speaker 45 it could be 1700s, probably going to be 1800s, 1900s, could be 2000s, but it's up to you.

Speaker 45 Okay, I'm going to go just 100 years from my birth, 1876. 1876.
It's interesting. I like that a lot.

Speaker 45 I'm going to say.

Speaker 45 You're wrong.

Speaker 45 1894.

Speaker 45 You're way off.

Speaker 47 The mic is much closer. It's 1858, July 27th.

Speaker 45 So that's a legitimate win.

Speaker 45 You're off and wrong.

Speaker 47 It's just say I lost.

Speaker 45 See, Mike, I have to do all that stuff before,

Speaker 45 and now it seems strange that I did it, but I have to do it because of Dave. Dave has imbalances.
You're almost psychic in a way because you called it. Yes, I got that part right.

Speaker 45 You suck, Dave.

Speaker 47 So obviously, as we said beforehand, the loser needs to say I lost. So before we continue.

Speaker 45 I don't remember that part, but I for the sake of the show, once again, I will just say

Speaker 45 I lost. Oh, it's hard to say you lost in modern times because people, oh, no, it's not.
It took a while. I say

Speaker 45 it took you like 30 seconds. 30 seconds.
Come on. Okay.

Speaker 47 It took a while. It was like, it was hard to watch.

Speaker 45 It was hard to watch. All right.
Let's just, come on now. Let's get this show cooking.

Speaker 47 The Detroit Free Press, Detroit, Michigan.

Speaker 47 Tuesday, July 27th, 1858.

Speaker 45 You're of our Lord.

Speaker 47 Police court. Oh, it's just a list of crimes.

Speaker 45 Oh, they're good.

Speaker 47 John Fay stole a sheepskin, the property of the Michigan Central Railroad Company, and was sent up for 90 days.

Speaker 45 Hmm.

Speaker 47 90 days for stealing a sheepskin.

Speaker 45 Yeah,

Speaker 45 got you in the workhouse.

Speaker 45 And then you get out, and then they put you in the poorhouse. So that's probably 180 days.
That hasn't changed. I don't know why you stole it, though.

Speaker 45 If memory serves back then, they were pretty cheap.

Speaker 45 I like how

Speaker 45 it's the property of

Speaker 45 the railroad. Railroad, yeah.

Speaker 45 They're just transporting the sheep. Yeah.

Speaker 45 Under the dark of night? No, it's how like a firehouse had a Dalmatian, you know, like a little mascot that the trains just had like a sheepskin that they were like. What do you think, Grace?

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 47 Ephraim Beecher stealing six chickens from Dan Coaglin. The complainant was unable to identify his chickens with exactness, and the defendant was given the benefit of a doubt and discharged.

Speaker 45 I mean, to be fair, asking someone to identify their chick, like,

Speaker 45 it's like a lineup. They bring them into the lineup room, like, all right, which four are yours? Like, they all look very similar.
And I've never trusted the name Ephraim. You know, I agree.

Speaker 45 It's Dodge, Dodge City. That name.
I agree. I agree.

Speaker 47 I would assume that they were like, okay,

Speaker 47 describe your chickens without them being there.

Speaker 45 And he was like, well, they're

Speaker 45 chickens.

Speaker 45 Beaks. Yeah, beaks.

Speaker 45 Clawed.

Speaker 45 There are only a certain amount of kinds of chickens, so I guess. There's three.

Speaker 45 There's three. What? I think there's three.

Speaker 47 You know that for sure. What just happened?

Speaker 45 I don't know. Just guessing.

Speaker 45 There's only three types of chicken, and they all look the same. That's my album.

Speaker 45 I like it.

Speaker 45 It's ready to drop

Speaker 45 quicker than mine.

Speaker 47 Cheers will come out sometime in the next 10 years.

Speaker 47 Charles Watson and Henry Hamlock were tried for assault. They were on a spree on celebration day, and as a natural consequence, got drunk, drew pistols, etc.

Speaker 45 As a natural consequence in 1853, a natural consequence. They got drunk, so obviously there was guns.
They were tried for assault.

Speaker 45 40 days. So yeah, it's just, it's a longer sentence for the sheepskin.
Yep. Yes.
Cheapskin should be the

Speaker 45 most egregious. Yeah.
You can run around with guns and you 40 days is all you get. Yep.

Speaker 45 Sheepskin,

Speaker 45 they'll hang you. That's right.
Times have changed. The same fate as the sheepskin.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 47 That's it. That's it for the crime.

Speaker 45 Oh, that's the start of the paper. It's a light day in Detroit.
Yeah. That's a light day in Detroit with three, just three animal-based crimes.

Speaker 47 It's

Speaker 47 week's probably the same.

Speaker 47 crimes listed up top.

Speaker 45 So much more murder.

Speaker 47 Well, there was,

Speaker 47 let me see, I think there was a murder.

Speaker 47 Assault and battery. Assault and battery, fine for cost of suit.
And

Speaker 45 for suit? Oh, no.

Speaker 47 This is just two guys, dock loafers, were sent up for 30 days. So they were loafing on a dock.

Speaker 45 Dock loafers.

Speaker 45 You don't hear it as much. You don't hear it as much these days, unfortunately.
Well, if you do, it's like yacht rock attire.

Speaker 47 That is true.

Speaker 45 That is not unwrong.

Speaker 45 Thank you for putting that so diplomatically. Thank you for leaving me with a puzzle on whether or not I was right.

Speaker 45 That is so not wrong. It is a quandary.

Speaker 47 A woman's rights champion.

Speaker 47 A dilapidated female. That's a...

Speaker 45 She's a fixer-upper.

Speaker 45 She's the insurance company's coming by later. We're going to assess her.
But so far, I don't know. We might just have to tear her down and do a full rebuild.
The editor was like, perfect word choice.

Speaker 45 Perfect word choice. Wow.

Speaker 45 Dilapidated female. Holy shit.

Speaker 47 I haven't seen a woman like this since I drove past that house out in the prairie.

Speaker 45 We're condemning her.

Speaker 45 She is done.

Speaker 47 A dilapidated female of a very uncertain age, dressed in a dirty calicone gown, slip-shod shoes and a very limpsy sunbonnet took our office by storm yesterday love a limp

Speaker 45 yeah they were attacking they were attacking yeah yeah no wonder she's dilapidated

Speaker 47 she looked very seedy and we need not add jesus leave her alone

Speaker 47 wore no hoops she wore no hoops oh my god the i think the girl

Speaker 45 the absolute disgusting.

Speaker 47 Hoops are in dresses, so that's

Speaker 47 she's wearing a dress.

Speaker 45 She was going hoopless.

Speaker 45 By the way, I don't know

Speaker 45 the level of comfort,

Speaker 45 the difference in the comfort level of hoop and non.

Speaker 45 Seriously. Oh, just hell.
Just getting ready was hell.

Speaker 47 Or sitting, you can't sit down in a hoop dress, right?

Speaker 45 Like, how could you? Well, if you do, you sit like, it's like how, you know, it's like you've got to like lift it up like a hen.

Speaker 45 I mean, you've just got got to like lift it all up and then kind of plant down and then drop it over yourself. But

Speaker 45 if you're attacking journalists, you just don't want those hoops in your way. You know, you want to have,

Speaker 45 you want to have like a, just a skirt. Yeah, something you can sort of get a gallop going in.

Speaker 45 At the Detroit news. Yeah.

Speaker 47 She said never a word, but threw a small book at our head and dodged out as quick as lightning.

Speaker 45 Okay. I'm just going to say that.
And the first winter gave her is that she's fast as fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 47 Don't you think she just tossed it on the desk and they're like, that was on our head.

Speaker 45 Just why would she stick around? Everyone was like, God, so many problems. I guess it really matters what the book is.
Yeah.

Speaker 45 Yeah. No, I know.

Speaker 47 Astonished, we'd hurried to the door and caught a glimpse of her apron strings streaming out behind as she turned the corner at such speed that the thought was at once suggested that she must have taken us for policemen and been reminded thereby of sundry nights spent in the caliboos for vagrancy.

Speaker 45 A lot of assumptions.

Speaker 45 She's also of an indeterminate age, but she's very fast. So we're, yeah, it's hard to figure out.
Well, we don't know how old she is, but we're not cops, but we don't know how old she is.

Speaker 45 We don't know much. She had an apron on, and she's definitely been to jail, just judging by the way she was.
Beautiful writing,

Speaker 45 poetic, with the strings flowing behind her. Yeah.

Speaker 47 I believe they just called her a prostitute.

Speaker 45 Oh, my God. Oh, which part was that idea?

Speaker 47 By saying she got

Speaker 47 spent nights in the calibus for vagrancy, they're saying for vagrancy. They're saying, yeah, no, she's a street.
She's a street lady.

Speaker 45 And the calibus jail, like that was just a common phrase. No, no, you pay extra, you could put it in the calaboose.

Speaker 45 Another 50 bucks to let you go in that calibus.

Speaker 45 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 45 Absolutely. Trust me, boys.

Speaker 47 Contented with this explanation.

Speaker 45 Go ahead.

Speaker 47 God.

Speaker 47 This contented with this explanation, we returned and incidentally picked up the book, which was found upon examination to be an essay on women's rights, coached in the most emphatic and unmistakable terms.

Speaker 45 Boy, I don't know what was her problem. Why was she so curious about women having rights?

Speaker 45 Seems like she's doing fine with the society as currently constructed. I hear the article seems like

Speaker 45 she might be right the way they're talking shit about her for no fucking reason. Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, I know what her problem was.

Speaker 45 She doesn't like the tiered system.

Speaker 47 Hoopeless. You may as well have your legs open, woman.

Speaker 45 Honestly, no hoops running around, hoopless. No hoops.
Women's rights.

Speaker 47 Perusing this, we found that our friend of the CD

Speaker 47 is a reformer on a grand scale. She proposes nothing less than a colonization of the female race independent of any such useless appendages as men.

Speaker 47 The book is headed Mental and Psychological Phenomena or the Wife's Revelations.

Speaker 47 A written verse upon the cover mutilates four lines of the sublime exposition of Hafed in the fire worshipers as follows. And then

Speaker 47 they're really mad. Yes, I am of that impious race.
I am of that

Speaker 47 outcast few who hail youth's everlasting place where love's sweet empire reigns. Tis heaven.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 47 And then it goes on to list the stuff she wants.

Speaker 45 So here we go. Get ready.
I mean,

Speaker 45 buckle up for this bullshit.

Speaker 47 We want a track of land and some good gentlemen who will be honest enough to pay us when we work.

Speaker 45 So that we'll be able to do that.

Speaker 45 Okay. Thank you.

Speaker 45 Over the edge.

Speaker 45 Thank you. I've heard enough.

Speaker 45 Okey-dokey.

Speaker 47 Holy shit.

Speaker 45 You know, women are just not comfortable with you promising a wage. They actually want follow-through, which is just

Speaker 45 disgusting. Disgusting.
They're calling for gentlemen as well, which is, you know, they're

Speaker 45 not a lot. Not a lot of nice dudes back then.
No, fuck no. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 45 The idea, imagine finding like a guy where you're like, I think like they would probably get together and be like, don't worry, Tom is actually nice.

Speaker 47 He pays money for work.

Speaker 45 I see.

Speaker 45 He pays for work.

Speaker 45 He gets it.

Speaker 47 Down with all the wicked and brutal propagandism of the human race by organized and systematic frauds for the enslavement of the sex.

Speaker 47 Why may not every guilel daughter of Adam and Eve

Speaker 47 daughter of Adam go out as Eve did and cultivate a garden instead of starving and rotting in the vile attics and basements or swelling and hooped, flounced popetry? puppetry.

Speaker 47 Good. This is the back to the paper comments.
Good. We second that last suggestion.
It sounds spunky.

Speaker 45 How the words change over time.

Speaker 47 We should like to see them plowing and mowing in the hot sun with the thermometer at 98 or carrying bags of wheat weighing 200, cleaning out the barn and butchering fat borkers and making themselves generally useful by shining, shitting up a pole, a slippery pole, to the top of a haystack and sliding onto the pig sty.

Speaker 47 We go in for the all-women, no man reformation. Wonder how many generations will survive to perpetuate the names of the founders.

Speaker 45 Good God.

Speaker 47 They're just like, can we get paid for our work? And the skies, yeah, why don't you lift a giant sack of feed?

Speaker 45 Your job is to go into the bar and clean out the porkers.

Speaker 45 God,

Speaker 45 I mean, it's shocking.

Speaker 45 It's so similar to Twitter. You just can't, yeah, I can barely breathe.
It's just so similar.

Speaker 45 It's almost like something you'd see under like a thing where a guy's like, for real. All right, listen to me.
Your job is pretty straightforward. Clean out porkers and shut the fuck up.

Speaker 45 Porkers.

Speaker 45 The guy is just like using kind of

Speaker 45 very esoteric language to talk about pigs. Yeah.

Speaker 45 Clean out the porkers.

Speaker 45 Well, I mean,

Speaker 47 justified in throwing the book and running away.

Speaker 45 And then

Speaker 45 she said like a hooped-based, you know, she talked about the hoops in her treatise. She said it's just...
hoops are fucking ridiculous.

Speaker 45 And

Speaker 45 she was exactly right. She hated hoops and wanted to be paid for work.
And these guys are like, This is disgusting. Oh,

Speaker 45 that is a bridge too far. A bridge

Speaker 45 too far.

Speaker 45 Excuse me.

Speaker 45 Well, I hope it worked out for her. It didn't.

Speaker 45 She went back to the caboodle or wherever.

Speaker 45 They sent her straight back to the cabikalagodoom, boom, boom. Yeah.

Speaker 47 She would have been one of the first ladies in town to wear pants, and they would have lost their minds.

Speaker 45 Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 1 the dollop is brought to you by mood.

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Speaker 5 No. We're talking about mood.
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Speaker 47 desperate fight stabbing a fray

Speaker 47 a man named george sheldon a runner for one of the omnibus lines was stabbed at the central hotel yesterday in a very serious manner manner receiving several bad wounds that's not not a serious manner maybe in a joking fashion it wasn't one of those mild stabbings that we used to in town.

Speaker 45 But it's all good.

Speaker 47 Was it a legitimate stabbing or like a

Speaker 45 stabbing? It's a goofy one. He goofed it.
He goofed it pretty good in his gut. It was a bit of a lark stab.

Speaker 45 It was cute. It was a cutie.

Speaker 47 Although we know someone who could get stabbed in a goofy way, Luke. Like, if there's any human being on earth who would get stabbed, it would be like a jokey joke.

Speaker 45 Well, he has stabbed himself. And

Speaker 45 there's a story about him like that. That is

Speaker 45 pretty goofy. Yeah, he like dropped a sword on his foot and was like, oh, no.
Oh, like, oh, you know, and that's the first part of that sentence is the most important.

Speaker 45 He had a fucking sword for no reason. Yeah.
No, like multiple. You're like, what? He was like the guy that watched the QVC sword fucking thing back in the day.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I need that.

Speaker 45 I need that for sure. You're basically giving Katana's away.

Speaker 45 That's crazy. It can't be that sharp if it's from QVC.
It can't be very sharp.

Speaker 45 They may as well take that sword and slash those prices because this is a steal.

Speaker 45 I'll take six. I'll take six.
I'm not an idiot. Only five didn't cut my foot open.
Yeah.

Speaker 47 Okay, so the manner in which the affair occurred was as follows. Sheldon found some of his clothes mutilated by being cut with a knife and repaired repaired to the parlor where he found

Speaker 45 imagine that order where you're like, My shirt's a bit torn,

Speaker 45 sweet mother of mercy. I do believe I've been,

Speaker 45 I'll go to the smoking room

Speaker 45 to reflect on this. Time to go think about this.

Speaker 47 Where he found a Dr. James Lewis, whom he accused of having done it.

Speaker 47 The latter denied it, and a fight ensued. The parties using chairs at first.

Speaker 45 Well,

Speaker 45 well,

Speaker 45 you go to accuse the local doctor of stabbing you. Yeah.
There's going to be a fracas. The one bridge to not burn when you've been stabbed.
Like, accuse someone else who used the doctor.

Speaker 47 I love that then. The first thing they went to was a chair fight.

Speaker 45 Yeah. And then

Speaker 45 one guy's stabbed, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. He's bleeding out.

Speaker 47 No, he's not stabbed yet.

Speaker 45 His whole clothing was. His clothing was

Speaker 45 stabbed, stabbed. Well, that's who I turned to first.
No, he's a fucking doctor. He ripped my clothes apart.

Speaker 45 Sorry.

Speaker 47 No,

Speaker 47 he was at a hotel, and in his room, he found his clothes had been cut up.

Speaker 45 Some guy stabbed his outfit.

Speaker 47 So he's a dick because no one slices your clothes unless you're a dick. Yeah,

Speaker 45 if you're a pleasant human, no way.

Speaker 47 They finally grappled, and in the melee, the doctor used a knife with which he had previously been cleaning his nails.

Speaker 45 Okay, well, that's a fucking

Speaker 47 no one should start cleaning their nails with a knife.

Speaker 45 There's just like shards of clothing on the knife. He's like, oh, just for my nails, just for my nails.
Is that corduroy under your nail?

Speaker 45 Are all your fingers bleeding? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you gotta clean them.
To be fair, though, I mean, imagine the under-nail gunk that we were dealing with back then.

Speaker 45 I mean, it had to just be be like

Speaker 45 a

Speaker 45 you needed, you needed a bowie knife just to clean the nails. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
You needed a really, like a Rambo knife just to

Speaker 45 spray it around. Yeah, just to get under there.

Speaker 47 My great-grandpa, he just cut the tips of his fingers off.

Speaker 45 That's better. Ah, that's a good idea.

Speaker 45 That's a sound criminal, right there. Yeah,

Speaker 45 that's easy.

Speaker 45 Even before the fingerprints were available. You talk about Stubbs Anthony? Yes.

Speaker 45 You talk about him fondly a lot. I do.
He was great. He almost seems imaginary, but I trust

Speaker 45 to you. Yeah.
Not to us.

Speaker 45 We celebrate him here.

Speaker 47 So the doctor stabbed Sheldon several times with it on the head, shoulder, and side. Oh, so he was going for a kill.

Speaker 45 Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Shoulders, knees, and toes.

Speaker 45 To go from like,

Speaker 45 you stabbed my clothes, and then you'd be like, well, that was actually a better era, considering you've knifed my head.

Speaker 45 Stabbing someone in the head is amazing. I do feel like this doctor is way too ready with a knife.
I don't know. Well, I mean, he's a doctor, Michael.

Speaker 47 He's an operator.

Speaker 45 You never know

Speaker 45 if you amputate someone. Well, he looked to the nurse and he goes, knife.

Speaker 45 There's a nurse in here? There's a nurse, yeah. She handed him the knife.
Can I get the clothes knife and then I'm going to take the stomach knife? Not the clothes knife, stomach knife. Stomach knife?

Speaker 45 How about give me the head blade?

Speaker 45 So he stabbed him multiple times. Yeah.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 47 The knife was a common pocket knife, and the blade was not of sufficient length to inflict a very deep wound.

Speaker 45 All right, so it's a little knife.

Speaker 47 Yeah, okay. But there's still

Speaker 47 you're not supposed to be punctured.

Speaker 45 No, does that lessen your time in the hooskow when it's just a tiny knife?

Speaker 47 The cuts in the side are just below.

Speaker 45 Your honor, he hit him with a cutie.

Speaker 45 He got it at an amusement park for fucking throwing balls into barrels. Good lord.

Speaker 47 It barely broke the skin.

Speaker 47 The cuts in the side are just below the ribs and are very bad ones.

Speaker 47 Well, yeah, those are

Speaker 47 the cuts.

Speaker 45 Any cut seems pretty. Yeah, I'm opposed to any stabbings personally.

Speaker 47 Sheldon got away from him and went downstairs to the office, his course being marked the whole length by a stream of blood.

Speaker 45 So he could follow the trail. At least I'll know where I started.
Yeah.

Speaker 47 The doctor immediately went out and bought a small pistol of a peddler.

Speaker 45 This fucking doctor is this doctor. It's like Dr.
Giggles or

Speaker 45 one of these horror doctors, horror movie doctors.

Speaker 45 Doctor won't let it go.

Speaker 45 Now I'm going to shoot him. And they could just, that was just the time.
Not that you can't walk into Walmart and get a gun, but back then they're like, yeah, please take it, take it.

Speaker 45 Yeah, the guy was like, there's a five-minute waiting period.

Speaker 47 And he was proceeding to load it when he was arrested by officers Whitman and Mahaney and lodged in jail.

Speaker 45 Boy, those cops got there fast.

Speaker 47 Yeah, they did.

Speaker 45 Way different. They were drinking

Speaker 45 a bar, probably. Yeah, they were.
Yeah, probably. Ah, shit.
Here we go.

Speaker 47 The wounded man was taken upstairs and medical attendance was summoned.

Speaker 45 Hey, Doc. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
No, no, no, no, no. No, I'm good.
No, I'm okay. I'm okay.
He's the only fucking doctor in town.

Speaker 47 I think it's better.

Speaker 45 I'm feeling a bit better. I'll just put one of these brown towels on it.
I think I'll feel a little bit better. This guy has killed half the population of this village.

Speaker 45 I don't care to see him. I don't care to see him.
I really don't. I'll fix that.

Speaker 47 I'll fix it. Nurse.

Speaker 45 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Take off the handcuffs.
Take off the handcuffs. I'm ready to operate.

Speaker 45 I really need to get.

Speaker 47 I really need to get in there.

Speaker 45 I want to save this man from what's happening. I just need my knife back.
All right.

Speaker 45 Now, I'm just going to delicately take the head off.

Speaker 45 There we are. You should be feeling a lot better.

Speaker 47 His wounds will probably not prove fatal unless those in his side are much worse than anticipated. So you don't know.

Speaker 45 So you don't know.

Speaker 45 Can someone luck?

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 47 These seem to have

Speaker 47 made by turning the blade of the knife in the wound and maybe... Oh my God, he's stuck in twisted.
He's touching.

Speaker 47 He's stuck and twisted.

Speaker 45 He's as twisted as it is. That's how you get away with a tiny knife.
You know how to use it, you know?

Speaker 45 Yeah, you just poke it all the way through. There you go.

Speaker 45 I'm used to a larger knife, but I do adjust. All right.
Quick question. Would you rather be stabbed with a large knife without the twist or a tiny one with two twists? Ooh.

Speaker 45 I don't know.

Speaker 47 Dr. Lewis is a traveling eye doctor and would seem to have been...

Speaker 47 It would seem to have been a man of ungovernable passion, if not of desperate character, from the manner in which he used his knife.

Speaker 47 He inflicted several wounds upon himself during the fight, cutting his leg and hand with his own knife.

Speaker 45 I don't think it was backwards.

Speaker 45 He needs some knife lessons. I don't know if they were available back then.
He goes to the knife range and just starts. It's like you stab

Speaker 45 potatoes.

Speaker 45 Nobody. I'm afraid you stabbed yourself again.

Speaker 45 God damn it.

Speaker 45 I don't know what's crazier.

Speaker 45 The fact that

Speaker 45 he's stabbing with tidy or knives or that there was an eye doctor in existence. Just a madman eye doctor, just roaming the fucking

Speaker 45 roaming.

Speaker 47 Yeah, it would just be like uh

Speaker 47 so what's wrong with your eyes i can't see out of them

Speaker 45 all right here we're gonna give you the same pair of glasses every other feller gets i can't see

Speaker 45 well

Speaker 45 yeah i don't know that's pretty much that's it's the fact that he had to relocate to detroit from chicago for stabbing so many ophthalmologist patients Well,

Speaker 45 my doctor's new, but he had to leave the truth.

Speaker 45 He stabbed a guy a bunch. He's growing up.

Speaker 47 He's one of the new, there's a new ophthalmologist. They're called cutters.

Speaker 45 Yeah, he's a cutting ophthalmologist.

Speaker 45 It's no different than the lasers of today.

Speaker 45 It's today's, yeah.

Speaker 45 He would shave part of your cornea off just to, you know, like. This is called knife lacing.

Speaker 45 I overcut. Oh, we'll shave your eyeballs until you can see right.
Trust me, trust me. Don't worry, all right.
I'm gonna start and just say when

Speaker 45 the eye doctor is, yeah, the eye doctor is like the old dentist where you're just like, I don't trust this motherfucker. No way

Speaker 45 with your eye, then

Speaker 45 I'm gonna put a series of needles in your eyes until they get better and then a couple leeches.

Speaker 45 Okay,

Speaker 45 take care of the children yes a small boat yeah thank you agree i just i i just i i i just completely agree with that

Speaker 47 a small boat containing six youngsters was capstized was capsized on saturday in the river opposite the foot of second street through the carelessness or inexperience of its juvenile managers All right.

Speaker 45 Those are kids.

Speaker 45 Kids.

Speaker 47 Yeah, they sunk a boat.

Speaker 45 They're kids. Yeah, you know, those kid captains, they can be problematic.

Speaker 45 They're not as sharp on the deck. But

Speaker 47 Counterpoint?

Speaker 47 Very cheap.

Speaker 47 Very cheap.

Speaker 45 Yeah, they're just explorers. You really think we'll be able to find a new passage to India? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 45 For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 We seem a bit lost, boys. But you know where we are still? Shut up.

Speaker 47 Yeah, shut your face. I'm driving pictures.

Speaker 47 We're getting pictures with chalk.

Speaker 45 They should bring back that, though, is for people who drive cars, vehicle managers. Oh.
Because I think that the boat manager

Speaker 45 is just

Speaker 45 too flowery for these journalists. They were just trying to get their poetry in there.
That's what I was saying.

Speaker 45 If you were able to get a young child driver for your car after you'd had a couple drinks, I don't hate it. Uber Kid.
You just get like a kid dropped off to drive your car home.

Speaker 45 You guys haven't done Uber Kid? Oh, they're great.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 45 You want to go as high as you can go. You know, 17 is probably best, safest.

Speaker 47 But 10 is fun. They honk the horn so much.

Speaker 45 They love it. Oh, they love it.
The sunroof's always down.

Speaker 45 How you doing, Master? I'm pretty drunk. You have a good time today? Yeah, he's all right.
Today,

Speaker 45 he's day drinking. That's what he's doing.

Speaker 45 You can only day drink and get these kids. Well, there's curfew.
You gotta get curfew. There's something to think about as far as the curfew.

Speaker 45 Oh, I can't take y'all away because I gotta be home by 8:45.

Speaker 45 You ready to go, Vroom Vroom?

Speaker 45 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 45 what

Speaker 47 uh, they uh they were fortunately discovered and all rescued by a y'all boat, which was sent out from the shore to their relief.

Speaker 47 If parents will allow their children to play on the wharves and take sails upon the river under no proper care, they must not be astonished to receive from them,

Speaker 47 they must not be astonished to receive them home stiff and cold as their bodies may be taken from the water.

Speaker 45 Nick just capsized.

Speaker 45 The yawl boat is

Speaker 45 the yawl boat is pretty good. The captain.
Hi, y'all. You worried?

Speaker 45 You guys drowning or what? Y'all in a bit of a fix.

Speaker 45 I'm here. I'm here for you.
I'm worried. I'm here for you.
The y'all boat's here. So, what's y'all's plan now?

Speaker 45 Y'all need me or

Speaker 45 should I just go on, y'all?

Speaker 45 What are we thinking? Do you need help? Should I get out of here? Where are y'all at?

Speaker 45 Don't worry. The y'all boats here.

Speaker 45 Just the idea. Well, you're just going to have a cold, dead child if you keep letting your children misbehave.
Yeah, keep letting them go on a boat on the river.

Speaker 45 In 1853, the idea that they're like, kids can't go on boats seems, again, it's one of those.

Speaker 45 I'm like, they had that line back then of like, no, Tom Sawyer, it was a dream of a child to just escape on a boat. Oh, that was their whole thing.
If a child's on a boat, he should have a slave.

Speaker 45 That is law.

Speaker 45 Oh, Lord.

Speaker 47 It's July, and looking at the temperatures, it's like the temperature of the water is like between 77 and

Speaker 47 78. That's now, so it's probably five degrees cooler.
But they wouldn't freeze. They'd just be swimming around.

Speaker 45 Yeah, right. It's all humid.
It kind of feels nice. Y'all need to eat.
It's like we got to capsize more. We got to capsize more often, friends.
Y'all okay?

Speaker 45 We meant to capsize to cool our

Speaker 45 brows to cool our brows come down no y'all need to get on the y'all boat this is crazy this is literally crazy right now here you go come on form a human chain link everybody hold each other's hands y'all are doing we're swimming no you're not y'all are doing y'all capsize y'all are coming out of that water you understand me whether y'all like it or not all right the y'all boat is not here to discuss i'm here to enforce y'all get up on my get up on the y'all boat now Now

Speaker 45 should be ashamed of yourselves, y'all out here doing stuff like that.

Speaker 48 Unbelievable.

Speaker 45 There is a great you can die.

Speaker 45 That water is it. That water is as cold as mildly heated soup.
It's like

Speaker 45 it's a command soup. It's like a poorly made soup.
This is like a bad soup. Somebody didn't stoke the fire under the under the mulligan stew.
Y'all get up there now.

Speaker 45 You, the eldest, you should be ashamed of yourself. You Boil yourself half.
I'm refreshed. Shut up.
No.

Speaker 45 You died, basically.

Speaker 45 How y'all voted ashore? Y'all vote to shore. Yeah, we got them.
We got them. Y'all ain't gonna believe what they were up.
They're capsizing out of here, and they want to keep going.

Speaker 47 They look like they're in swimsuits.

Speaker 45 Yeah, it's not good.

Speaker 45 It was obviously a group suicide attempt. And that's what they're trying to do is they're all trying to go at once.
Kids love that stuff. They think they go to heaven in one boat then.

Speaker 45 You know how they do with the packs. With the packs, the different packs, the suicide packs.
You know how y'all be going around? They got the packs. They love a pack, these kids.
Kids now be packed.

Speaker 45 And when I was a boy, we didn't packed once. No.
Y'all, you were on your own.

Speaker 45 We did it by ourselves. We did.
You made a self-packed. I became a blood brother to my other hand.

Speaker 45 That's how I did it.

Speaker 45 I became a blood brother to my, I cut my one hand, I cut my other hand, I put them together and I said, a bond is forever formed between right and left. That was how we did it.
You remember that?

Speaker 45 We were boys. Y'all remember.
Anyway, these kids are just. Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 47 I remember we made fun of you when you did that.

Speaker 45 Well, I didn't need you back then. I had my right hand.
I didn't need y'all.

Speaker 45 Look, do you want the kids? Do you not want the kids? I'm not staying here for my freaking health. Okay.

Speaker 47 Just leave them in the river.

Speaker 45 They're having fun. They are drowning the lot of them.

Speaker 45 It looked like they were drowning.

Speaker 45 They were splashing at each each other. They were splashing.
They were screaming. It was simple hijinks upon reflection.
No, I do not agree. I do not agree.
What looks like

Speaker 45 they were losing their minds in there.

Speaker 45 And if anything, they were declaring hijinks after the fact. During, they needed me.

Speaker 45 By the way, I fell in love with this group since I got them to shore. I am.
I just, I'll be honest with y'all. Like, I just, I've been hugging these kids.
I just, they are incorrigible little scare.

Speaker 45 We actually wanted to talk to y'all about that. I'm not doing anything.
That's maritime law. I can do what I want.

Speaker 45 I don't follow land law. It was in the middle of the river henceforth.

Speaker 45 There were no laws. There were no laws when I was out there when I'd hugged them.
And I must have been in Europe.

Speaker 45 Stop.

Speaker 47 It's become a pattern that you keep rescuing boys from the river and then.

Speaker 45 They are drowning.

Speaker 45 Y'all didn't see them. They're drowning out there.

Speaker 45 God. Now, before we get them off, let's do one more group hug and then one individual hug with me and each one.
Yes?

Speaker 47 No, sir.

Speaker 45 I can't step on shore, by the way, boys. There's some stuff happening.

Speaker 45 On a couple lists. On a couple.

Speaker 45 A couple lists that I don't want to talk about.

Speaker 45 That's why I live out here. Rivers, my

Speaker 45 river's my life. River is my home.
River's my home. I got a water mansion.

Speaker 45 All right, I got to go. All right.
No, I'm going. No, I feel y'all want me to go.
I'm going get out of here. I get it.

Speaker 45 I'm feeling the

Speaker 45 save.

Speaker 45 Gonna miss the hell out of these kids.

Speaker 45 All right, that's it. Here we go.

Speaker 47 There is a great deal of carelessness.

Speaker 45 It's hard to leave.

Speaker 45 I can't be honest.

Speaker 45 Nobody ever asked me questions about my y'all boat.

Speaker 45 Y'all want to know why it's called that? No.

Speaker 45 All right.

Speaker 47 There is a great deal of carelessness manifested by parents in regard to their children, and it is a growing evil.

Speaker 47 It is not unusual to see children of not more than three or four years of age straying in dangerous localities along the wharves.

Speaker 47 On whose shoulders would the blame lie if they were drowned?

Speaker 45 I'll tell you whose.

Speaker 45 God damn it. Yeah.

Speaker 45 The journalists just following around three and four-year-olds just being like, whoa, you're up to no good. I should push them in.

Speaker 47 Show them. Make a point.

Speaker 45 I should show them by pushing them. Three and four-year-olds just

Speaker 45 wandering like stray dogs. Yeah.
Yeah. That's what I picture of 1850.

Speaker 45 That's how I picture 1853. I don't picture someone like, that's dangerous.

Speaker 47 Oh, no. There's no, that's dangerous.

Speaker 45 That's why you have 11 kids. You'd be like, yeah, you're going to lose like four to drowning, three to TB.

Speaker 47 You boss, why don't you set the dock on fire while you're on it out there?

Speaker 47 And if they escape a watery grave, who will save them from drowning in the lakes of moral depravity that are to be found along the streets and docks of this city? Parents, take care of your children.

Speaker 45 Wow, don't live near the docks.

Speaker 47 Yeah, docks are going to the docks.

Speaker 45 Docks aren't a great place for kids.

Speaker 45 It's so little to do.

Speaker 45 You stick to dirt mounds. You hear me? Yeah.

Speaker 45 Trash and dirt mounds.

Speaker 45 Go collect the fish and hooks in your feet.

Speaker 45 Preferably in your feet.

Speaker 45 Take all the hooks. You boys are cooking hooks.
You got 17 today in the foot. Yeah.
Well done.

Speaker 45 That's like six kinds of tetanus.

Speaker 45 Tetanus. Impressive.

Speaker 47 Stolen property. Officer Port arrested a woman in Windsor yesterday having having in her possession a quantity of red flannel and several dark-colored straw

Speaker 47 hats, which were undoubtedly stolen. The owners needed to convict her by identifying the property.

Speaker 45 Wow. The owners needed to confess

Speaker 45 her.

Speaker 47 Basically, they found a mission. Nobody reported it.

Speaker 45 Yeah, they found a woman with a lot of stuff. They're like, where'd you get it? But a lot of Canadian stuff, which they were...

Speaker 45 A lot of flannel. They're like, we can't have these men and women in America wearing flannel like those Canooks.
This woman's trying to start grunge again.

Speaker 45 And what isn't Windsor? Windsor's not in Canada, Canada. It's not in Canada.
It's just right over the border, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 45 Is that what I thought it was? Because that's, I remember you could go to Windsor and get drunk if you were like 17 or 16

Speaker 45 in the 80s.

Speaker 47 Windsor is a charter township.

Speaker 45 It's like unincorporated. Yeah,

Speaker 47 it is different from Windsor, Ontario, which is a crazy thing.

Speaker 45 Oh, okay. That's what I was thinking.

Speaker 45 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 45 I think a lot of kids died when they would drive up to get drunk in Canada.

Speaker 47 Hope so.

Speaker 45 Well,

Speaker 45 the teetotaler speaks up. Yeah.

Speaker 45 That'd be awesome to go to that bar, like my age now, walk in there and be like, this place is pretty cool. A lot of like 17-year-old kids.
It's awesome.

Speaker 45 You guys want to hear some stories about being an old man? It's like hard enough to go into a place with 28-year-olds. Yeah, 17-year-olds.
But they're getting younger and younger. This is crazy.

Speaker 45 So, what's your favorite Pokemon?

Speaker 45 Any of you remember TRL?

Speaker 45 I was negative five when that was out. Amen.

Speaker 47 The latest from Utah.

Speaker 45 Oh.

Speaker 47 Uh-oh. The Mormons remain at Provo yet, not wishing to bring their females near the soldier boys.

Speaker 45 Jesus Christ. I just, I mean, on

Speaker 45 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 45 Not wanting to bring their females.

Speaker 47 Well, you get them around the soldier boys, and then they're getting the sex.

Speaker 45 I take them to the park, let them run the energy out. This is like right before the Civil War.
Like, what are the soldiers? Like, there's just

Speaker 45 like, what's going on? Oh, they're fighting. The soldier boys are just like fucking marching down the street.
And

Speaker 45 don't let the ladies near them.

Speaker 47 When was the Mormon

Speaker 47 war? I mean, it's definitely, they're definitely out there to fight Native Americans, but

Speaker 45 I don't know when the Mormon wars were. That was a war that went on for a while.

Speaker 47 Utah War of 1857 to 1858.

Speaker 45 Oh, wow. Bada Bing.
What was that war all about? Yeah.

Speaker 45 Between Mormon settlers and troops over them having their own territory. They're They're like, we found a fake Bible.
They're like, no, you didn't.

Speaker 45 They're like,

Speaker 45 we're going to start some shit about this.

Speaker 45 You're coming up with fake Bibles. We're fucking attacking.

Speaker 45 I mean, you got to.

Speaker 45 They found a fake Bible, and they're like, apparently we could take eight wives. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The general's like, sounds a little dodgy, I'd say. It's on the front page of this one.

Speaker 45 No, no, you guys haven't read the found

Speaker 45 once you read it you'll it'll totally become pathetic

Speaker 45 why do you read the part about anal there's a whole section yeah the um one of the options is for that oh there's this is a long book so you guys better just take some time to read it and stop attacking us go to the diagram page

Speaker 45 I didn't know. I really didn't know there was a Mormon war that

Speaker 45 exploded.

Speaker 47 I mean, it makes sense. It didn't.

Speaker 45 We tried to stamp out the Mormons Mormons a while ago. No, but they put him down.
They put them down and just said, you guys could stay there. Yeah, eventually they're like, well, just be weird here.

Speaker 45 They're like, oh, for fuck's sake, fine. Just stay there.
Don't do not leave. Just be weird here.
Just be weird there with your little extra Bible. Awesome.

Speaker 45 The women were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you guys were on the right track. Please

Speaker 45 shut up and put your hoops on. Kathy, you have some apologizing to do.

Speaker 45 uh

Speaker 47 they are living there the majority at least in tents while their comfortable houses in this city remain vacant with all the doors and windows boarded up okay so that yeah this must be when there's fighting going on

Speaker 47 none of the genteels can obtain house room either for dwellings or for store purposes This is particularly hard on the merchants who have brought out large stocks of goods.

Speaker 45 Can we sell during the war?

Speaker 47 Sad.

Speaker 45 You don't have any cokes or sprites.

Speaker 45 It's kind of boring. I know.
No, you've got to be.

Speaker 45 You've got lame products. Flowers.
Anyone want a flower?

Speaker 47 Do you like Fanta?

Speaker 45 Anyone want to buy a woman?

Speaker 45 I've got nine. I've got a lot of money.
I've got a whole card of Dave's here.

Speaker 45 Please, we need to. I need to serve rights.
Quiet. I wouldn't buy that one.
She's a little yippy.

Speaker 47 No reason is assigned by the Mormons for this dog in the manger policy, except, as they say, they want first to see what the army will do and where it will locate.

Speaker 47 As yet, none have been able to procure sleeping apartments except the governor, secretary, marshal, and commissioners.

Speaker 45 It's all the top guys.

Speaker 47 We have nice places. We're fine.
That's cool. And even most of them had for a while to sleep in their wagons.
Many of the merchants arrived in the city today.

Speaker 45 All right. Well.
What was the dog in the.

Speaker 45 Yeah, dog in the manger.

Speaker 47 Dog in the manger. Dog in the manger.
I don't know.

Speaker 45 This isn't Jesus at all. In our Bible, Jesus is a dog.

Speaker 45 By the way, anals, all systems go, nine wives. It was a dog.
He was born in April. Yeah.
That's what it says in our Bibliography.

Speaker 45 So we're going to do Christmas in April if that's cool with everyone for our dog, our dog good.

Speaker 45 I mean, look, God is dog backwards so i think that could be the army attack they're like no

Speaker 45 way you're doing christmas in april all right we gotta go kill him they're doing a dog jesus

Speaker 45 this is just nuts no oh but it's a puppy look at him

Speaker 45 it's very cute but no who are you who's gonna get worshipped who's a little good boy oh

Speaker 45 oh my god all my dogs all my dogs just were like what yeah you're i mean the fact that one of your dogs is like i love when animals sleep on pillows with their heads. Oh, my God.

Speaker 45 It's one of my favorite learned skills where dogs are. I mean, you're just

Speaker 45 interrupting. You're just in the way.
Yeah, they're just like, he's doing that stupid shit again. Talking to his imaginary friends.

Speaker 47 So a dog in the manger is someone who selfishly prevents others from using or enjoying something, even though they cannot use it or enjoy it themselves.

Speaker 45 Just, I mean, most of the time. Oh, I can't have eight wives.
I can't have eight wives.

Speaker 45 I'm going to go stream with the guy with eight wives. All right.
We got a real dog in in the manger on this wife thing, getting a lot of pushback. It's the party pooper of yesteryear, I guess.

Speaker 45 This guy's fucking up our whole game.

Speaker 45 This dog in the manger.

Speaker 45 The army's pretty bad. They're nuts.
They're saying one wife. I think it would be.

Speaker 45 Yeah, go on. Sorry.
A literal air castle.

Speaker 45 What? No, this guy was like, and then it's an ad

Speaker 47 Steiner, an aeronaut, has got a new idea in his head, which he proposes to put in practice on the occasion.

Speaker 45 He's a musk of their generation. He is.

Speaker 47 Of the New York State Fair at Syracuse this fall. He intends to have built a small house, say about 10 square feet.

Speaker 47 That's a really small house.

Speaker 45 I mean, it's very shed.

Speaker 45 Are we calling it a shed or a house?

Speaker 45 It's a dog house. It's a house.
Trust me, it's a house. It's a dog.

Speaker 45 If you're in the fucking sky, it's a house to you.

Speaker 45 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 45 Yeah. 10 feet in the sky.
Okay.

Speaker 47 And capable of containing in comfort four or five persons. No.
No.

Speaker 45 No. No.
No.

Speaker 45 Agreed. Agreed.
All right. We're all on the same page.
No way.

Speaker 47 Which, with its occupants, is...

Speaker 47 to be slung beneath his large balloon, Star of the West, and taken up to the clouds.

Speaker 45 Honestly,

Speaker 45 absolute death. It's like

Speaker 45 a guy, he drank, he drank

Speaker 45 14 meads, and he was like, and then he read Jack and the Beanstalk, and he's like, Cloudhouse.

Speaker 45 Cloudhouse it is.

Speaker 45 I was dying for an invention and the gods gave me one. Cloudhouse.
Cloudhouse. You know, it's like I'm a drunk gulliver.
Yeah.

Speaker 45 Drelliver. Yeah.
How many people are you thinking you can fit in here?

Speaker 45 So five people can fit there, and then obviously

Speaker 45 the balloon runs out. I mean, you live there for, what, 30 minutes? Yeah, it's just,

Speaker 45 it's hell. I mean, it's basically like a hot air balloon adventure, but instead, like it would be like in the basket of the hot air balloon, you're like, you can fit 10 in here.
Yeah.

Speaker 45 It's like, let's have a, let's have a quick dinner.

Speaker 45 Just to pretend like we live in a cloud. And then you're going up.
You're like, how do we get down? He's like, I don't know. I I can't believe you guys said, yeah.

Speaker 45 This is just an outhouse with a balloon. You can take off with the cloud house, but no one ever figured out how to land.

Speaker 45 But no one ever figured out the landing. Oh, my God.

Speaker 45 This is a bad plan, sir. Yeah, I agree in retrospect.
Well, that's our lives done.

Speaker 47 We have frequently heard of snakes visiting houses and of their sometimes having been found in and under beds, but we do not recollect ever having heard of as remarkable an escape as an awful death from a snake as the following.

Speaker 45 Wow,

Speaker 47 from Mr. T.W.
Bliss, who was present.

Speaker 45 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 45 sure. Yeah, I'm sure that's your name.
You fucking murdered somebody

Speaker 45 in some other town. And the snake took a knife.

Speaker 47 About five weeks ago, two children of Jacob Schull were living about three and a half miles west from Washington, one H9 and one four,

Speaker 47 becoming weary from the excessive heat, lay down on the bed shortly after dinner and were soon fast asleep. Sometime during the afternoon.

Speaker 45 Wait.

Speaker 47 So dinner is lunch?

Speaker 45 Yeah, no, and then supper would be dinner.

Speaker 45 Oh, my God. No, I was just reading a book

Speaker 45 from that time, and that's they're like

Speaker 45 dinner is at two o'clock. Okay, supper.
I don't hate it. It's insane.

Speaker 45 Now we call it keto.

Speaker 45 Now we call it starvation.

Speaker 45 We could name these things anything we want. I think that's the lesson here: is that like, what the fuck are we all calling the same thing?

Speaker 45 Honestly, yeah.

Speaker 45 And how many for dinner? Oh, our dinner is breakfast.

Speaker 45 Oh, God.

Speaker 47 Mr. Schell and our informant, who were working in a field, were compelled to seek the house for shelter from a heavy shower.
They'd scarcely entered when Mrs.

Speaker 47 Schell went to the bed to replace some of the covering, which had become displaced when a horrible sight met her eyes. The head of a huge rattlesnake.

Speaker 47 projecting from between the children and its body in close proximity to theirs.

Speaker 47 That's actually not good.

Speaker 45 No. Yeah, no.

Speaker 45 Or really good. Depending on.

Speaker 45 I don't agree. On your passion for your children.
Yeah,

Speaker 45 correct. Oh, you'd be like, no, let them, honey, honey, let him go, let him go.
Let him finish this. Take the one on the left.
Jade, lefty, lefty. Take the boy.
Take the boy.

Speaker 45 The boy. Bite the boy.

Speaker 45 Hey, Hank, will you put your head right near this? Put your head down by the front a little bit, would you? Do you hear a little bit of a shaking? It's like a maraca. Just go.
Go close.

Speaker 45 He wants to hang out. He's ready to party.
He likes to. Give him a big squeeze.

Speaker 45 Try to dig his breakfast out of his stomach.

Speaker 47 Mrs.

Speaker 47 Schell was, of course, much frightened, and there is not much doubt but that it would have terminated fatally to at least one of the children had it not been for the providential arrival of the two men, who,

Speaker 47 with more presence of mind,

Speaker 47 quietly removed them from either side of the bed at the same time without alarming the snake.

Speaker 45 Wow, snake was what a lazy snake. I feel like, I agree.
Yeah, I feel like a rattler would be honest.

Speaker 45 Yeah, the snake was just like, oh, that's cool. I get the bed to myself.
I don't hate it.

Speaker 45 I thought I made two new friends, but

Speaker 45 where are we all headed?

Speaker 47 Hey, Timmy,

Speaker 47 can you get up?

Speaker 45 Listen, don't turn around,

Speaker 45 but just carefully slide off the bed. But don't turn around.
Where are we going?

Speaker 47 It's fine.

Speaker 45 I'm just taking you off the bed really quietly. Okay.

Speaker 45 Okay, don't turn around.

Speaker 45 Don't forget to take the snake.

Speaker 45 What? Where are we going, mom?

Speaker 45 And can we bring Steven? Can we bring Stephen the snake?

Speaker 45 That's my fucking snake, mom. And now you're just strangling it.

Speaker 45 Okay, well,

Speaker 47 undoubtedly saving their lives.

Speaker 47 His snakeship was then unceremoniously dispatched. I mean, you're just making up words.

Speaker 45 Yeah, there's just like, he's the ruler of the snakes.

Speaker 47 Yeah. I know, he's like a lord snake.

Speaker 47 It proved to be a very large one with six rattles in its tail.

Speaker 45 How it got there is a mystery. I don't know what the standard is, but that's

Speaker 45 a three rat. I've seen a three and a four rat, but a six rat.
We got a six ratter here.

Speaker 45 And things like fighting moraka.

Speaker 47 Who was sleeping after that?

Speaker 45 Oh, I'd sleep.

Speaker 47 You'd be able to sleep in the bed the next night?

Speaker 45 More than ever. Dave, you're forgetting.
This is how they live in Australia every day.

Speaker 45 Christ, you see the size of that spot, huh? Well,

Speaker 45 and they dispatched, they dispatched the snake, so you are free.

Speaker 45 Yeah, no, yeah, and I'm writing on the next one, so you got at least a week until the next rattler shows up. Dispatched it.

Speaker 47 You go over there.

Speaker 47 In Australia, they're like, are there enough snakes in your bed?

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 45 You want a snake in your toilet.

Speaker 45 It's what eats the sheep.

Speaker 45 It's

Speaker 45 flash. Don't have flash.
Let the snake eat it all.

Speaker 47 All right. Last one.

Speaker 45 All right.

Speaker 47 The highest ascent of Mount Blanc.

Speaker 47 Mr. Walford, a Cambridge, England from England student, has made the highest ascent of Mount Blanc this year.
He was determined, he said, to go higher than

Speaker 47 I don't know what that is. What's M-L-L-E?

Speaker 45 Dot,

Speaker 45 no, no, no, no,

Speaker 45 Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 45 Malorde.

Speaker 45 Oh, Malille.

Speaker 45 Oh, Mademoiselle. Mademoiselle.

Speaker 45 It would be strange to be like, I'm going to go higher than any woman on this mountain. They're not allowed to climb it.

Speaker 45 Especially because it's named after a pen. Yes.

Speaker 45 Pen mountain.

Speaker 47 All right. So.

Speaker 45 You've heard of the fountain pen. Well,

Speaker 45 I got you one better.

Speaker 47 We'll say, Mademoiselle.

Speaker 47 Mademoiselle d'Augueville, who went up last summer and therefore went on the summit, was lifted upon the shoulders of his guide, who, in like manner, was lifted upon the shoulders of his companions.

Speaker 45 No.

Speaker 47 Mr. W, in this manner, succeeded in mounting higher than any of the visitors to Mount Blanc.

Speaker 45 I feel that that is not

Speaker 45 a viable way to top a mountain. I agree.
It's like, could I get on my, could I get on me, friend? Can you you imagine saying that to your Sherpa? All right, put me on your shoulders.

Speaker 45 Now, Jerry, here we go. Lift us both.
Wait, I'm taking credit. I'm taking credit, but you're going to take me.
I put me up there. Yeah,

Speaker 45 I'm going to take a look at the crew. I gave you 35 cents, motherfucker.
Lift me up. Toss me.
Boys, on the count of three, we all jump.

Speaker 47 I know there's no oxygen, but now's a good time to just put me up on your shoulders.

Speaker 45 All right, I'm going to get on Ralph's shoulders. That does show some sort of entitlement there.
Yeah, that guy to be be the one who's like, yeah.

Speaker 45 Thank you.

Speaker 45 Oh, Christ. Well, there you go, Michael.
I don't know what to tell you. I mean, this is the eight.

Speaker 45 Thank you for knowing the supper arrangement more than any of our previous guests. Oh, yeah.
It's a very bizarre situation. What book were you reading? I was reading ghost stories.
Ooh, sure.

Speaker 45 And

Speaker 45 there's just a lot of ghost stories from the mid-1800s. That's so bad.
They're always talking about,

Speaker 45 I I dressed for dinner and I supped with, you know, Caroline St. Clair.

Speaker 45 And then there's a ghost. And then there's a fucking ghost.

Speaker 45 And then, and then there was a ghost.

Speaker 45 And it was unsettling. Yeah,

Speaker 45 of course.

Speaker 45 Well, thank you, Doggy. Thank you for having me.
You are the greatest.

Speaker 45 People can listen to a gaggle of red flags or sad songs to get sad to, wherever people stream or get music.

Speaker 45 What is your preferred way people would get this? Just buy the album? Is that number one? I guess buy the album, but

Speaker 45 that seems to be something from another time, like these newspapers. Don't let them know.
Don't let them know. Don't let them know.
Yeah, that's only available for

Speaker 45 purchase. Don't be jerks.
Give Mike. Yes.

Speaker 47 Give Mike. Yeah, no, stream it so the artist doesn't make any money.

Speaker 47 It all goes to a corporation.

Speaker 45 Do that. I don't know.
I think that that's for the best. And at least somebody heard it.

Speaker 45 Well, who's going to not build the parks if we don't give the corporations all the money? Thank you. Thank you.
You rest your case.

Speaker 45 Thank you, Michael.

Speaker 45 Thank you for having me. Thanks so much for

Speaker 45 letting me be on this. We love you.
You'll come back. Thank you, Doug.
All right.

Speaker 47 And as we do with all of our guests, at the end, you're fired.

Speaker 45 Thank you very much. I look forward to that.

Speaker 45 Some of these days,

Speaker 45 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 45 Some of these days.

Speaker 52 What's up, doll heads? Join the Gare Force. Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

Speaker 52 That's right, I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Two shows, a 7:15 and a 9:30.

Speaker 52 But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th. Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September September 16th.

Speaker 52 Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th. And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.
on September 21st. I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Speaker 52 Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th. Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th. Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.

Speaker 52 Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd, two shows. And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.

Speaker 52 And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at Rooster T Feathers. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Speaker 45 Join me.