138 - The Past Times with Andy Beckerman

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Andy Buckman.

Hi, Andy.

Thank you for joining us.

Hello, hello, coming to you live from the Herodimus Bosch painting.

That is America.

There you go, there you go.

Good work.

You got a cat, cat on your lap?

Happy cat on your lap?

Yeah.

He's clinging to me lately, which makes me scared.

We all are.

You're a beacon of light for us in this dark time.

How are you handling everything, Andy?

The American collapse, etc.

Okay, here, very quick.

I'll tell you exactly.

I think this very short story will tell you my emotional state.

The other night, I saw just a very, a small, like, pinprick.

You can kind of see it on my finger, right?

Just a very little like wound, very tiny, less than a millimeter, okay?

And I got into my head that there must be a splinter there that I'm not seeing.

So I took some tweezers and started digging in my finger.

Okay.

If that lets you know emotionally

where I am.

No splinter.

There's no splinter.

There's no evidence of a splinter.

I didn't see a thing there.

I just assumed that there had to have been a splinter.

What's your wife's reaction to something like that?

Well,

I mean, she's in the same same bucket as I am, just different, a different section of the bucket.

Yeah,

she's finding fake splinters in other places.

Well,

you have a couple great podcasts.

One that Dave and I have been on a couple of times, Couples Therapy.

You do it with your wife, Naomi, but you're really flaunting this cat loving you this much.

It's really ridiculous.

And then you have another show called Beginnings that you do.

Yes.

And people can get those wherever people get podcasts, unless there's some

special.

Do you remember what podcasts were a novelty, Andy?

Yeah.

Or if you know where I live, come to my house, knock on the door.

No, no, Andy, I would not do that.

I'll give you like a flash drive with some episodes on if you want.

I just, that feels like, that's not how they do it in Cuba.

I don't think that's not.

I mean, it's fine.

All right.

Well, we'll, we'll put your address in the...

the info when we post this.

Hey, the CIA has tried to kill me with a poison cigar, too.

So, you know what?

Me and Cuba, we're in the same bucket.

I know they tried to kill me.

KO me?

Cuba, same bucket.

All right.

I know they tried to kill you with a very small sliver recently.

Yeah, we all heard about the disappearing splinter.

Yeah, Ken Klippenstein reported it.

I like that you're using a huge microphone that sometimes you lower and so your shirt just says Jews instead of silver juice.

Yeah, it is nice that the mic is so big that sometimes it's

super

you can see what everyone in high school called me if I just move the mic like Jews!

Where did you go to high school?

I went to Exeter Township Senior High School.

Oh, where's that?

In what state?

Reading, Pennsylvania.

Oh, shit.

So you're a Redding Jew?

Yeah.

Yes.

I had to, I had to, I didn't know anything about like the whole private school world.

And when people asked me where I went to school, I just said Exeter, because that's what we called it.

We didn't say Exeter Township.

You know, you just said whatever, you know, the shortened form was.

And so

there's a very fancy private school called Exeter.

Oh.

And so I would say that and people would get impressed and they would be like, oh, he's one of us.

We can, we can, you know, tell, we can say all the horrible white supremacist shit around this guy because he's been to

the school.

And then very quickly I learned that that's

like Andover, like all the, you know, like the prep schools that shovel you into Harvard, that shovel you into, you know, hanging out with Paul Wolfowitz.

Great guy.

Great lucky.

Great guy.

Just still.

Is he still with us cooking?

I hope so.

I hope so.

Yeah, he's because we're starting to lose some of those great guys.

We lost Rummy a few years ago.

If he had just gotten that flat tax through in post-war Iraq, I think that whole situation would have turned around.

Yeah.

Yeah, it would have brought back at least half a million Iraqis to life.

Absolutely.

No, I think we're all, I mean, look, we're big pro-Iraq guys.

We all are.

So

I think that just remember that when you're listening to this, that's how this kind of skews.

We're big into Iraq.

We're big Iraq guys.

Andy, as our guest, you're going to get to guess what year this newspaper is going to be from.

Dave will

make it so you win either way.

Crying has already begun.

Dave's going to make it so you win either way.

You're a sore loser.

It's carrying over.

You're the Trump of the past times first five minutes.

And by that, you mean a winner.

All right.

So, Andy, you could guess could be 1700s, could be 1,800s, could be 1900, it could be 2000s.

Who knows?

Wait, I've always wondered this.

Is there a year it can't be?

Like, is there a year where there were no newspapers in America?

Like, the 1650s is when I think the first ones start popping up.

But I wouldn't say 1650.

I'm going to say, I'm just going to year my favorite disease.

So 1918.

What's your favorite disease?

Likes that flu.

Got to love that flu, baby.

Likes that flu, baby.

That flu.

I like 1918.

Really showboating this cat for those who are.

This cat is

really getting involved.

He's really pulling folks.

Cat's our fourth.

I will guess,

I like your guess.

I like your guess a lot, to be quite honest with you.

I'm just going to lower it.

I'm going to go 1875 just so we have fun.

But I think you're right.

I think it's going to be near there.

Well, then you're wrong because it's 1908.

You're like, Andy wins.

Andy wins.

Fair and square.

And I knew he would.

And I knew he would.

And, Gareth, what do we do on this podcast when we lose?

Show hole.

What do you have to say?

I lost.

Yeah, you did.

Dave just started doing this last episode, Andy.

He's like, now I'm going to show him.

And then if the guess is hell, it's just hell.

Stop.

You're very poor.

Just stop it.

Can you say show hole?

No.

All right, let's start.

The Alex Tribune of Alex, Oklahoma.

And of course,

April 3rd, 1908, of course, I had to go look up where Alex is.

And

right now it's a town of like 450.

And then, of course, I had to look at their high school because if you look on pictures pictures of Alex, all that comes up is their high school football team.

And if there's, if there's 400 and some odd people there, then how good can the football team be?

And so I looked it up, and they play an eight-man, they play in an eight-man team league.

I like that.

Wait, does that mean they're both offense and defense?

They must be an Iron Man.

Or maybe

it's there's an all-time QB like we used to do when we were a kid.

All-time QB?

Yeah.

What does that mean?

You just rotate around.

One guy's the QB the whole time.

Yeah, but that's what happens on regular football.

You're not listening.

No, I'm paying for it.

Oh, God.

A guy switches sides.

Andy.

Yes, Dave.

Whoever has the best arm.

That's stupid.

Andy and I are laughing at you, buddy.

And we love you, but we're having a laugh in your direction on this one.

Did they let, did they let, and did they call you the Jew?

Like, we're the the only, how many Jewish guys were in your school?

Talking about me,

yes, Gareth.

I know, they never called me the Jew.

Well,

for the listener, you have a giant star David on a chain.

I was David,

like Flavor Flavia.

Oh, I didn't know that was affiliated with a religion.

I just thought, I just, to me, it made me feel like I was a lister.

I've seen people in Hollywood wear these, I think.

I don't know.

Frank Gilman wears one.

I went to a

Catholic school and a Jewish guy was there.

Wow.

You can imagine when they called him.

I could never understand it, but there he was.

And he took a lot of heat.

Yeah.

This is the headline.

Some spiritual excitement.

Yeah.

Someone's going to die.

Last Friday, last

Friday, please.

What is his name?

P-L-E-A-S?

Please?

Please.

Please?

P-U-L-E-E-Z-E.

Please.

Why wouldn't you put the E on the end?

I mean,

nobody asked nicely.

Last Friday, please Lindsay of Texas and Oklahoma visited Alice.

Please, Lindsay.

Lindsay, please.

Please.

Please.

No, I'm having a bad time Lindsay's melting down please

Jesus Christ Lindsay Lindsay it's just a bowling party stop

please visited Alex

please visited Alex telling the landlord of the hotel

that he was expecting to lease some land in this vicinity

His trunk was carried with considerable oh, this is a dude his trunk was considered

his trunk was carried with considerable

secrecy up the backstairs and deposited in his room under lock and key.

There is a body in there.

There's a body.

It got there.

So far, it's just like how a bag goes to a room, but they're all like, they were very,

very.

And he wanted it.

He did not announce what was in his trunk.

Yeah.

Need to say more?

We know what it is.

Prop comic.

We know what's in there.

Opening for favorite top.

It's please Lindsay.

Hello.

Oh, my my god

please lindsey

i call this a workhorse

it's a horse with a workman's outfit

it's a horse skeleton with a construction hat on so mine aren't combinations of anything they're just pretty straightforward i just show items i've acquired i call this one a candelabra this is a robe Look at that.

I bet this is the sort of thing you put on.

You're like, hey, I just took a shower.

Okay, I guess I'll wear this around my room for a little while.

It's a real

chilly.

It's chilly.

I'll put on my robe.

I'll put on my while you're putting on your robe.

Why not light one of these candles?

Look at this.

Oh, my God.

Carrot Top does a lot of different.

Carrot Top, well, you'll like his stuff.

He's combining stuff a lot more.

Honestly, this sounds like the prop comic for America 2025.

Absolutely.

Yep.

Question.

The best.

Do get booked as a prop comic who just bring.

a couple.

Hey, what do you call this?

Yarn?

Yes.

Yarn?

Yeah, what is this?

Yarn?

Yarn?

Huh?

Look at that.

I got four different colors of this shit.

What am I doing with this shit?

Look at that.

Huh?

I mean, men don't use yarn.

Am I right?

Huh?

How about this?

Uh-oh.

Better look out.

Somebody called the Dustbuster.

Oh, boy.

Branson, Missouri was run by Nazis.

That is this kind of comedy in America now.

That's the opener.

All right.

Give him the light.

He's doing that Branson Missouri stuff I don't love.

Okay, so then Lindsay went out, his pockets bulging.

There's a lot of

presumptive shit going on.

Yeah.

Who's the reporter?

Does it say?

Was there a byline?

No.

Nobody says who wrote.

Nobody will put their name on this.

Bulging pockets.

He went out to make arrangements about the lease, no doubt.

In the course of the evening, he came back to the hotel.

But

when he got there,

the cupboard was bare.

The trunk had mysteriously disappeared.

All right, so someone stole a shit.

Yeah.

By the way, you had to sign a lease every time you got a hotel room.

Yeah,

12-month lease.

And just the security deposit.

A 12-month lease.

I just need it for like three nights.

We don't do those leases here.

You're going to have to break the lease if you want to leave.

I mean, that's fine.

You can break the lease, but there's a you're gonna incur a fee.

There's some chic-das pain up here you might want to take care of before you move out.

I just got here yesterday.

A Lindsay, being somewhat intoxicated, raised a rough house with the landlord who had never even seen the trunk, but he locked it in the hotel room.

He's supposed to be upset.

Yes.

But how is also a landlord?

Just this whole system.

Quick question.

Did the bulging pockets ever feature back into this?

Or was that just local color?

I hope they do.

I mean, when you see a man coming out of a hotel with thick pockets, you know something's up.

It sounds like this is what happened.

Someone got, this guy got robbed.

And then it sounds like this is a pro-skew, landlord skew.

So they're just making regular things seem mysterious to make it seem, they're just trying to throw you off the scent.

Or they're buddies with

the owner of the hotel, so they're just trying to back him up because there's like 10 people in the fucking town.

Then you'll never get.

He came downstairs with a jacket on.

You know what that means.

Quick, what do you think was in the pockets?

Cats.

What did you say?

Cats.

Living or dead?

That's interesting.

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, Schrodinger.

There's one pockets for alive cats, one pockets for dead cats.

I like to think toilet paper.

I like to think this guy liked the room paper a little better.

And if he thought, if he went to the lobby and had to go drop,

that he would have that, you know?

That's fair.

I don't know why.

I was imagining salamanders.

Like, he's a little kid who was going out and just soaking stuff in the forest.

Like what kids would just

say, you're of the age where it's like, don't let him show you.

He's got worms.

In his pockets, in his pockets, in his pockets.

Do kids still go out and catch salamanders?

Is that still a thing?

No.

No.

It's not, right?

We used to always catch salamanders.

Yeah, we got skinks.

You ever have those?

Skinks?

Skinks.

Skinks?

Little tiny lizard guys.

No, I never heard of skink.

You had those in

Redding?

Yeah.

Hey, Redding Skinks.

Yeah.

Never heard of the Redding Skinks?

No, I never heard of the Redding Skinks.

The minor league team?

No.

All right, Skinks fans.

Let them hear it.

Okay, so this proved to be Lindsay's undoing for the trouble soon reached the ears of authorities who put him under arrest for bootlegging.

What in the fuck just happened?

Well, okay, now it's now, okay, so he's a bootlegger.

He, okay.

So that's what was in his pockets.

It was booze.

Now I do think he had skinks in his pocket.

Yeah.

Enter detectives

searching for the lost trunk.

About one o'clock, the trunk was found with a few pints of bad whiskey in it.

The hotel office was temporarily converted into a calaboose.

It's the second time we've heard that phrase, and I feel like we have never heard it, but today we've heard it twice.

Never heard it before.

And after being guarded therein all night, Lindsay was taken to Chickashaw, where he confessed to whiskey peddling.

He is wanted in Chickashaw on three other charges, in Lindsay for several offenses, and by the federal authorities for breaking U.S.

laws.

we can safely predict that he will get his.

Jesus,

chill out.

I feel like there should be a noose emoji at the end of that.

Yeah,

we'll show him.

There's something great about robbing someone doing something illegal.

So, like stealing a guy's bootleg boots, because then he's like, What are you freaking out about?

He's like, Someone took that.

Nobody took

it, it's fine.

Just

yeah,

or

or

maybe there was legitimate stuff in there,

and he's being framed.

Why, why immediately jump

to think that pleases a criminal?

Thank you.

Devilish idea.

Thank you.

That's quite a, that's quite a, that, that's, that's quite a theory.

I like it.

So you rob the trunk, and then you just put three bottles of bootlegged whiskey in it.

Yeah.

And then whatever you say, and the police are like, shut up, asshole.

We don't believe you bootleggers.

So what you got with all my salamanders, though?

Yeah,

we know it was in there.

You take out all the candle operas and robes and you replace it with whiskey.

How am I going to do my show tonight?

What am I going to do with my show?

It's just a regular packed suitcase.

It's your regular packed suitcase.

Hey, look at another shirt.

Okay.

How many did I pack?

This is crazy.

This is some crazy stuff, guys.

You ever see a belt?

Look at that.

Oh, which loop am I on?

I don't even remember

and i got two of these freaking things oh boy oh are you guys understanding my hook it feels like there's a lot of uh blank stares out there right now i just imagine a belt in each arm waving like it's one of those things outside of a car dealership

Several morals are attached to this tale of a trunk, among which is this one.

If you must pedal booze, do not patronize yourself unless you are willing for your friends to spirit away your spirits.

Yeah, I got drunk with a bunch of guys, and he told him he's got booze in his room.

Oh my God.

The writer of this line item, I hesitate to even call it an article.

You know that they had that line at the end.

Yeah.

And then they just, they're like, I got to write this.

This line is too good to waste.

I know where I'm headed.

I got my ending.

He's got note cards on his wall.

I know the ending.

I know the ending, which is good.

Like he's plotting a TV show.

Yeah.

All right, so then line two.

Oh, do you want to know the price of

eggs?

Let's guess.

Let's guess.

What, for a dozen or an egg?

How did they sell an egg?

I don't know.

It just says eggs.

It doesn't say.

You've got a price of eggs?

That's what you have.

It just says eggs, and then there's a price.

price.

I'm going to based on the price.

What do you think?

Is it per egg or per

amount?

Per egg.

I think it's per egg.

Per egg.

I'm going to say two cents.

I'm going to say

four cents.

It's nine cents.

What?

What?

Is Trump in the White House?

Corn is 45 to 49 cents.

What?

Maybe they sell corn by the dozen?

I'll take 12 kernels.

I'll do 12 cobs.

There we go.

J.G.

McAllister, who has been troubled with rheumatism lately, carried the mail today.

They only did initials for like a full century.

There was a, yeah, there was a while where they just did initials like that's it they'd give your address out but they'd be like nobody could know the first two names yeah

qw wenzel yeah who lives on main

look he carried them all today dave's dog right now is literally like please please dave's dog did like a thing in a movie where they like where like you know people are like slipping on banana peels and they cut to the dog and the dog goes

yeah that dog right now is look at that people slipping on banana peels this is obviously a buster keaton film in my mind.

Well, we did an episode on that of,

we did a dollop on the banana.

It is absolutely fucking crazy.

Like,

it's so good.

It was a legitimate

insurance.

Yeah, like insurance fraud garore for people just putting out banana peels and just being like, don't got zooks.

Was it like some con artist that was doing it?

It was a bunch of con.

It was like, yeah, it was like the whole movement where like, like, it was just like, you you know how, like, if you buy like a couple pseudo feds, now they're like, we need to see ID.

Back then, if you're getting three bananas, they're like, we're not idiots.

We know where this is headed.

Okay.

J.G.

McAllister, who has been troubled with rheumatism lately, carried the mail today for the first time in three weeks.

Oh.

What a lovely story about making the infirmed work.

Did it it say you got his Medicare benefits then?

No, no, no.

That's why he had to keep carrying.

There you go now.

Walk it off.

Walk your rheumatism off.

You're ready to go.

Did Hemingway write that?

That's just like one sentence.

Guest editor Ernest Hemingway.

Can you guess which dog that is?

That is Maple.

Nope.

Pablo?

Nope.

My boy?

That's your boy.

That's Larry?

That's Larry.

He got a cut.

He got a summer cut.

Wow.

He looks way different.

It's a beautiful cut.

He does.

You ruined your dog.

Yep.

Yeah.

It's over.

He's depressed.

It's like one.

He's still in bed.

He's like, I can't do this shit.

J.E.

Mc McMinn recently purchased a fine violin and has been making the evenings melodious.

Mac is a good musician.

Which back then was probably enjoyable, but my brain just thinks of today where I'll be like, take your fiddle and shove it up your ass.

Yeah, get that thing the fuck out of here.

What if it's just turkey in the straw over and over again?

Do you know anything else?

No.

Do you care to?

No.

Yeah, the dollop is brought to you by mood.

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Uh, J.E.

Henry's these guys come on, stop initials, stop.

They all start with Jay.

It's ridiculously stupid.

J.E.

Henry's wagon show is to be here this evening, according to the posters.

Oh, my God.

It's a wagon show.

It's got to be absolutely horrible.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the red wagon?

Whoa.

And people are going to be able to do it.

Someone pulls out on stage.

There's a spotlight on the wagon.

And everyone's just clapping for like 10 minutes and then they pull it off.

And now the blue wagon.

Yeah.

And now some prop comedy from Lindsay.

Well, that's going to be a hard act to follow.

By the way, hey, you ever seen a cane?

What are these things?

That's crazy.

Ever seen someone walking with it?

They're like,

it helps me walk.

This one's curved.

This one's straight?

Pick a shape.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know we could do it both ways.

That's pretty crazy to me.

Anytime someone talks about a prop comic, most people think a carrot Top, but for most people, that's just

a memory or a vision of a guy who pulls things out and talks about them.

For me, saying this on the streets of Vegas with nobody around.

For me,

just the way carrying little flyers behind him.

The story happened in Vegas.

It's Carrot Top trying to get me to go to a brothel so he can watch me have sex with

my escort.

He tried for a good half hour, and I was like, That's not, that's absolutely not happening.

Is this prop or comedy?

Pre-ripped Carrot Top?

Yes.

Okay, so he couldn't just like pick you up and go, we're going to a brothel.

Fuck him.

Suck this man's dick,

Mr.

Top, please.

Shut up.

Boy, he's really hot.

Not Carrot Bottom.

Yeah.

Bang my friend.

Do what Caretop says.

Oh, my God.

That's amazing.

J.E.

Henry's wagon shows to be here this evening according to posters displayed in and about town.

The circus, if such it is, fails to recognize

this so-called circus.

The wagon guy's like, don't call it a circus.

It's not a circus.

No.

It's a wagon show.

I have five bunnies.

We're the the ringmaster, wagon man?

No, no, it's not what it is.

The circus, if such it is, fails to recognize the value of newspaper advertising, which leads us to doubt whether it is much of a

salty-ass publication, wanted some money.

You come to dumb dipshit, couldn't take out a two-cent ad.

Yeah, idiot.

Hey.

You come to Alex.

You pay for a fucking ad.

Yeah.

You understand?

By the way.

But But your circus isn't a circus.

Writing an article about a wagon show that hasn't paid for advertising is really the dumbest gripe of all time.

Like, nobody's going to know about his wagon show because he didn't put his name in the paper.

Alex, who comes here Thursday night with his wagon show.

They should rename the Streisand effect the wagon show effect.

The wagon show effect, because now everybody wants the now everybody knows about the wagon show.

And people are like, I don't understand.

It's like, well, there was one time a wagon show where

You guys could do a dollop episode on why it's called the wagon show.

The eras of the effects.

That's right.

It's called the dinosaur effect.

Musicale, is musicale a word?

Musical is a word.

Yeah.

Musicale by pupils of miss lockhart.

Last Friday evening occurred one of the most pleasant events which Alex people have enjoyed for some time.

This was the occasion of the musicale given by the pupils of Miss Gordon Lockhart at the Adair home.

The pupils showed remarkable proficiency and delightfully entertained the audience of invited guests which had gathered.

So this is a time period where you had to go to shit like this because it was all that was happening.

And it's horrendous.

Someone's house?

Yeah, what's happening?

The kids sang.

They did a musical.

It's like a school musical, like that kind of thing.

The thing you wouldn't go to unless you were were a parent.

Even as a parent, you're like, this should be shorter, shouldn't it?

Like the thing, like if your parents are having a dinner party or something, and you go down and like sing a son, this I never did this, just so we're clear.

Yeah, absolutely.

But yeah, right.

I hear all these stories of like actors.

They're like, yeah, I used to, when my parents had a dinner party, I'd go down and sing something from South Pacific, and everyone clapped.

And that's now why I'm an actor.

It doesn't take much to make me hate actors all over again, but that pretty much does it.

And it's so reminiscent of what I did.

And by the way, I just want to say, because Dave, I think you threw out something that might offend some of our listenership, which is that you don't have to have a kid in like a choir or a concert to go to that stuff.

Yeah, you do.

No, you don't.

I've gone to a ton of those.

I've got nieces and nephews.

No, no, no.

I to a school where I don't know anyone.

Some nights I'll just be a little down in the dump.

Some nights I'll just

sometimes I'll just find out that I'll just go to the school and I'll just go stand in the back and I'll just be like, man, this is just fun.

This is just good stuff.

You and Dershowin.

Just go and

a couple of easygoing dudes who just get how it works.

I love my Dershaw.

Okay, musicale is a thing.

It's a musical gathering or concert, typically small and informal, often private.

So

it's an actual thing.

Sounds horrible.

So

uh

here's an example uh used in a sentence musicales at which anita and her mother played the piano

it sounds terrible country of origin for the word yeah please sir

i would much rather go see a wagon event than sit in someone's living room be like oh cool mother daughter

The embroidery club met Wednesday with Miss Bednar and spent a most enjoyable afternoon, vocal and instrumental music being an agreeable feature.

Dainty refreshments were served.

Every man was the first two initials, and every woman was just the last name and a miss.

Miss.

She gets a miss, yeah.

Well, she's not a full human.

She's not.

Not until like 19, what, 67?

I think we're going to repeal that nasty law pretty soon, Andy.

I would like to point out that there is a newspaper story about an embroidery club, and Gareth is stuck on the name.

Gareth, it is a newspaper story about embroidering.

It doesn't surprise me.

My first thought was it does not surprise me.

There is nothing going on.

There is nothing going on.

I don't know if you read the New York Times, but there's embroidery articles all the time.

Ever heard of Etsy?

A1 embroidery, and then like D17, something about maybe genocide somewhere.

But the embroidery is Page one.

Boy, they've really

handling it well.

As they always do.

Quite a number of members were absent through illness, and we thought it a measly shame.

A measly?

I think they're.

Like you're one of the little rascals?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it's a word.

I think it's wordplay.

Contemptibly smaller few.

No, I guess it's not.

A measly.

Measly's tiny, yeah.

Oh, I thought you were just like saying it like a measly.

That's what I meant like a disease, like you didn't show up because you have measles.

That'd be great.

Maybe.

But honestly, that might be what's going on because he put measly in quotes, which is what I think.

So in other words, we understood measles better that time than we do now.

No, 90%.

The HHS secretary was.

No, you want to get it, so then you don't get it again.

It's great for you.

That's what they say.

No, it's good.

No, I always say, listen to the guy who

God's trying to remove his voice for the sake of society.

Listen to that guy.

Please, listen to me.

Like, evolution is trying to silence RFK.

Hold on, drink pond water.

No, it's great to have a guy in charge of our health who wakes up every morning and just chugs a glass of feces.

Chugs a glass of feces and then does Roids and is like, our our bodies are temples.

Wait, sorry.

I'm not supposed to do that?

No, I like it for you.

I like that for you a lot.

I mean, do you not like my, like, my shiny skin?

No, you look very...

You're definitely.

I mean,

there's no doubt about it.

Yeah.

It feels like you want us to keep going, so I'll keep trying.

But yeah, you look really good and jacked, and the roids are really working.

And yeah you've got you've got a good you've got a healthy everything about you looks very healthy a glow

you got a glow there's a big glow there's that beckerman

blossom the beckerman yeah the beckerman beckerman blossom is what they call it

doctors can't figure out what's wrong well i mean that's um that's an interesting follow-up obviously but uh

but uh you know i think that i would you know let it let them look is what i would say let them keep looking andy because you're looking good so i don't know what they're yeah what they're they're even going for.

So

Naomi's a lucky lady.

Lucky woman.

Lucky woman.

I'm not allowed to sleep in the bed with her.

Well, I mean, again, I think, you know what?

Let's get back to the paper because I think when we're doing the personal stuff,

it's getting a little,

it's upsetting, maybe, but good for you.

And let those doctors, let those doctors figure it out.

Yeah, let them figure it out.

I'm sure you sleep in a little, maybe a little bed near the bed or something like that, maybe is where she's got yours.

Floor.

Yeah.

Floor, maybe.

There's a space under the bed.

Thanks for sleeping on the bed.

All right.

That's crazy to hear.

Like that X-Files episode.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, that's crazy to hear that he's under the bed, Dave.

Obviously, that's, I mean, that's not great.

I think.

Yeah, that's fine.

I don't love it, to be honest with you.

All right.

All right.

Three, two, one.

Hurry up.

Oh, Jesus, hurry up.

Great big bundles of old paper for sale at the Tribune office.

Five cents buys a bunch.

So for

look, how this is

this is their

times version of like a seed DVD collection.

What else is there to do?

It's like get old papers and read them.

Yeah, just grab it and you're like, wow.

We were so dumb back then.

Now drink your iodine.

We knew so little.

There was cocaine in this soda?

Crazy.

That's crazy.

Hey, honey, will you pass the radium?

I just want a couple licks.

I just want to do a couple licks before bed.

I want to read in bed, so I'll just open my mouth so you don't get disturbed.

Can you help me?

My jaw's feeling a little detached.

Don't not too much.

Don't move it too much.

The Mystic Cave Company at Sulfur has been in Mystic Cave Company.

Yeah, we're out.

That's a great name for a production company.

Mystic Cave Company and Hathaway.

What happens in it

is in a story

that will blow your mind.

Something you've never seen before.

We definitely have it filmed and edited.

We should go downstairs and check out the basement.

Uh-oh.

What's in the basement?

Probably something dramatic.

Is it a cave?

What is that?

This summer.

Or some summer.

Summer.

Yes.

And Hathaway

is

filmed in this.

The Mystic Cave Company at Sulphur has been incorporated with a capital stock of 20,000.

it is the purpose of the company to explore the cave which has been the subject of many a newspaper story

what so this is kind of like they're uh they're submersible

i think they're i mean they're they're trying to sell stock in a bullshit thing is what yeah it sounds like uh it sounds like absolutely the second anyone asks questions you're like let me take you let me take you down there i'll show you how good it is

there you go and they're like they're walking behind you, like slapping a blackjack onto their palm.

Yeah, right, yeah, right, yeah.

Yeah, just go down the cave, you'll come back up for sure.

There you go, you got this, feel better, kill the lamp.

I mean, there is a mystic caverns in Sulphur City, Texas, I think Sulphur City, Texas.

Oh, no, it's in Harrison, Arkansas.

No, no, it's in Schittsville, Texas.

I feel like it's either Texas or Arkansas.

Two of our finest.

I don't know.

I mean, you know, we got nothing on this.

Nothing ever came of

the sulfur caverns.

I mean, the Mystic Caverns.

I'm sorry.

Are these Mystic Caves still a company?

Can I still buy stock in them?

Andy, Andy.

Why are you so Andy?

Hold on.

Let me open my

Alpha Robin Hood.

No, Andy, Andy.

Andy, Andy.

Andy, this is over 100 years ago.

They folded.

Andy.

Still investing.

It'll come back.

That's what everyone tells me about the stock market.

Andy, Andy, no.

It's coming back.

Andy.

$80,000.

Oh, my God, Andy.

Andy.

Andy.

Andy, no.

It's good.

I like to see someone with a little hope.

Too late.

I think you made a really good buy.

Hey, honey, how was work?

I made some interesting investments at home while you were gone.

I mean, climate change is going to destroy everything anyway in my lifetime.

So, like, why not invest $80,000 in a company that no longer exists?

Yeah.

Find the flaw.

It's hard for me to push back, to be honest with you.

I don't know.

Remember what it was, like, our grandkids' kids' lifetime?

Like, in our lifetimes, it went from grandkids' kids' lifetime to like, yeah, it'll probably take us all out.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Even when it was like your kids.

I was like, All right, let's keep it there, not any closer.

No, it's like, no, we're all gonna die from it.

Yeah, yeah, remember when you could look, you could like say, Oh, it's gonna climate change is gonna kill us soon, and then you look at your watch as a joke, like as if it was happening.

Now you can literally look at your watch and be like, Oh, yes, no, uh, in the next three hours, there's gonna be like a class 12 fire cane that's gonna fly through here where they just keep going, like, once in a century, and you're like, You say that every weekend now, so

time to change our metrics.

Mother's modest demands.

Lawyers will take almost any case and Chicago lawyers, it seems, will take anything.

A Chicago woman put her son in a children's home there and is now bringing suit because they cut off the boy's curls.

She's right.

Oh, my lord.

She's right over curls.

Is it just a short haircut or do they shave the kid's head?

I bet they shaved it, but that's

great.

Every time you got a bad haircut, you could bring a suit.

That would be pretty bad.

I mean,

most haircuts in the wild, you're like, oh, God.

Oh, terrible.

Like when you're in the middle of a bad haircut and you're like,

and you got to still sit there and be like, that was awesome.

John Grisham's barbershop.

John Grisham's Anne Hathaway.

A Mystic Cave Production.

Every curl was worth $1,000 to me, she says.

Whoa.

And they gave him a bath, too, against my wishes.

Oh, Christ.

Plus, they took off his back tar.

I brought my little dirt boy in, and they fixed him.

Now you leave him nice and dirty and curly.

Do you understand?

I'll be back at five, honey.

What, this?

He smells like violets?

Yes, we should be.

He's not my kid anymore.

Get rid of him.

You can keep him.

My boy had curls and was filthy.

Goodbye.

Enjoy your new life, Gabriel.

He is a delicate child, and bathing makes him sick.

I haven't given him a bath since a year ago, Christmas.

Jeez.

Boy, we are really RFKing.

No, I'm just imagining like the shape of a child, but you just see bugs crawling all over this shape, like centipedes.

Like an anime creature.

I haven't given him a bath for over a year.

You broke our streak.

That tub, they were like, sweet God, throw the tub out.

But you poke through, and there's no actual child below there.

It's just the butt.

The child's gone now.

It's just the body in the shape of a child.

This is just a million bugs who got a wig.

Help us.

Can you feed us more larvae?

Our curls!

Our curls are gone.

Our curls,

the source of our power.

The fuck's freaking out.

Well, we had a good run, boys.

I'll be honest, we're not a boy at all.

You got us.

You got us.

All right.

It is,

she's asking for 15,000.

That's just nuts.

That's 12 million eggs.

Nuts.

Well, that's actually $574,000 today.

Oh, now it makes sense.

Sure.

Sounded nuts back then.

Yeah.

But when you adjust for inflation.

Yeah, no, now I get it.

No, now I get it.

Now I get it.

Now it makes sense.

Yeah, you get it, right?

Yeah, you cut off his curls and you bathed him, so now I want half a million dollars.

How will we ever rebuild?

Hair doesn't grow and dirt doesn't accumulate.

This boys are forever different.

This one time the CIA put a splinter in my finger

and I sued them.

Andy.

Andy.

Andy.

It happened.

Andy.

And I sued them for about $6 million, and I won.

Is that right?

I mean, you just invested $80,000 in a cave that was a swindle.

Where do you think I got the $80,000 from?

Okay.

$80.

Cash Patel.

$80.

Cash Patel.

What?

I don't know who the CIA director is, so it's Cash Patel.

Andy walked over and gave me the money directly.

Have you

stopped taking your meds?

Uh, I didn't start taking them.

The doctor is very mad.

Boom.

Boom.

It's like, are you going?

Like, you've been buying them.

I prescribe them.

You're going to be refills.

I like to swim in pills.

Yeah, like

Scrooge McDuck with pills.

By Scrooge McDuck and my pills.

I'm diving into a bin of Zoloft.

Oh, yeah.

Spitting it out.

A contortionist gave a free show at a pool hall Wednesday night.

He raised several dollars among the onlookers.

Oh, my God.

What?

That means

you've lost a bunch of at that contortion.

It's just like a terrible contortionist.

He's like almost touching his toes.

Bet you didn't know that was possible, did you?

Give him a dollar and get out of here.

Journalistic shade.

Huh?

Look at that.

I can scratch the back of my head.

Look at that.

I can put my elbow all the way behind my head.

Huh?

Now give me four quarters.

I'm going to put him on my elbow and catch him.

This guy, he's opening for please.

He's opening for wagon guy.

Wagon guy's like, boy, this guy fucking sucks.

I mean, I'm actually.

Hold on, this is like a great show.

You got the Contortious, you got Weez Lindsay, and then you got some wagons.

That is a pretty good lineup.

Yeah.

I don't hate it.

Oh.

Some dogma.

You like a dogma with the sometimes Larry.

That was Larry that got down, and that's Pablo that's now laying on the.

So Pablo came over and he's like, You want to hang out and sleep together?

And Larry was like, Goodbye.

Sounds like us.

Yeah.

The little ones, many wrinkles are smoothed away by the soft fingers of little children.

Oh,

Jeffrey Epstein.

Oh my god.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

That's what I'm saying.

That's all I was doing was getting younger.

Come on down to Creepy Spa.

What the fuck?

It's not

great.

It's not great.

You better have more than that because that is crazy.

The music of their flute-like voices

oh my

god it's not getting better

oh my god just going down somewhere where kids are working kids are just indentured and they're just rubbing your face and you're like don't stop talking kids it's like a travel brochure for a little st james just make me youthful again

come on down to dershowitz spa

if you're just in the lobby and you're like oh look there's a bunch of you could go spelunking hey look at this honey apparently these kids kids will touch you all over to get rid of wrinkles.

And their voices help, too.

I didn't know about this before I booked this vacation.

I swear to God, I didn't

specifically call about this.

I might go back for wrinkle treatment again.

The music of their flute-like voices calms the most turbulent mood and banishes the darkest frown.

The power of the little ones consists of their

innocence,

Which I plan on taking from God.

This is the worst thing we've ever read on this podcast.

This is a really bad one.

This is like an evil cartoon.

You know, like where, like, we've trapped the kids and we're sucking the innocents out with the magic syringe.

Yeah.

Oh, just usurping innocence through child massages.

Just like something like Disney made in like 1982.

Yeah.

They were like being bankrupted.

Who's the billionaire that takes the blood of his field?

Brian Johnson.

Oh, no, that guy.

No, that guy.

This is like a guy who's early days.

I'm never going to age.

And it's like, dude, nobody wants to fuck you.

Okay.

You look like a mannequin.

He does.

He looks like the crypt keeper, right?

He looked, yeah.

He's like, I look so young.

And it's like, you look like you don't exist with us.

That's what you look like.

He's like, it's all carrots and my son's blood.

You're like, yeah, no, I don't know what your plan is here.

Some point go do something.

That might be nice.

He's like, I can't.

I have to stay in my chamber.

So I never age.

I drank the wrong grail.

He chose poorly.

They bear in their hands that lily, the magic might of which gates the brass cannot resist.

Oh, this is fucking.

This is like Trump's letter to Epstein.

Do you know how flowery the language got once it was about

child

labor?

Let's just say child labor.

At best.

At best.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Like, they really had to dress it up.

They were like, get Yates in here.

We really got to make this a little more colorful.

Otherwise, I mean, we know what we're really doing.

Otherwise, this is the most evil thing anyone's ever written.

Oh, my God.

A

tiny.

That was horrible.

Marquis sad's over here vomiting so evil

yarn

how was the massage it's insane

it was absolutely insane

i guess they get four kids to do it instead it was super bad it made me really tense honestly it's really horrible

i'll say but my crow's feet are gone i mean i look good

Yeah, I mean, that's good.

I look good.

I just

have to try to shut out that one kid whispering into my ear, can we trust you?

But other than that, it was a pretty nice experience.

I got a funny little bunch of kids say, save me over and over again.

That didn't help.

And by the way, I couldn't even pay attention to their pleas because they got these little flute voices.

Just everything sounded like a song.

Please, please.

What am I?

Seeing a prop comic?

Honestly.

I mean, it was just like, I just could remember the songs they were singing.

Please, please help free us.

We're here against our will.

They killed our parents so that we'll forever be here, rubbing the heads of adults.

Help, please, don't ignore us.

It was just, it was an unbelievable experience.

Petchy.

Piscatorial.

Swear to God, we're about to start with piss, which is a great opening.

Piss!

Piss!

It's good for you!

Piss!

Drink some today.

Drink piss.

I like to imagine Dave's in that room with all the dogs, and he's like just boarded up the door outside and told his wife to leave him be.

You stay out of here now, honey.

The dogs and I live here now.

Or it's like a cask of a Montelado type thing.

He's been walled in.

And he's just podcasting.

James Henderson, while fishing in the Washita last Friday, landed a big catfish, which furnished eating for a large number of Alex families that evening.

Crazy.

Do you want to guess how much it weighed?

How much the catfish weighed?

Oh, wow, inflation.

I mean, big to feed enough people.

I'll go

24 pounds, Andy?

18.

Of the scales at the meat market, the fish weighed 64.

Boy, that had to get confusing.

64?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

And what were we going to do?

That's one of those ones.

Yeah, what is it?

That's one of the ones you put your fist in and the catfish

eats around it.

6,000.

You know, the ones.

Oh,

that's huge.

That's crazy.

The ones you see on the shows where the guys are like grabbing the fish.

Yeah, where they're, yeah, they're like, yeah.

Well, let me introduce you to Grabber.

He'll show you how to catch.

And he's like, teeth, I ain't got a lot, but but I'll show you a trick or two.

Those who are not acquainted with the Wichita may think this is a common, ordinary fish story, but it is not.

The fish that swims in the wonderful Washita, the farmers who till the soil which it makes fertile, and the towns that grow up on the banks are all waxing fat with prosperity.

Mr.

Henderson thinks there are bigger fish in the Washita that have yet to be caught.

Man, there's fish in there that are hundreds of years old that deserve to be bare.

It's like, yeah, it's pretty hard to prove you wrong, I guess.

There's fish so big they ain't even been caught.

And monsters.

Monsters you can't see everywhere.

All right, Uncle Greg.

Uncle Greg, come on now.

Come on now, Uncle Greg.

He's doing the monster rift.

Full of great monster meat.

Oh, it's so tasty.

If only you could see him to capture them.

All right, we're going to go inside for a little bit.

that'd be so great to open a restaurant where you're like we serve monster uh just so you guys know there's a monster on the menu tonight we just killed a fresh monster a couple days ago so we're low on the meat but if you want a little monster chili or something like that don't worry about it do you have a do you have a specific kind of monster or just monster in general this thing uh this week we actually caught a creature from a lagoon Oh.

Yeah, so he kind of had gills and he was tortured and he was trying to solve something.

So we shot him in the head and we've just been making fillets out of him all week.

And I can definitely see it.

Because last week I came in here, you served me Bigfoot and it was just an empty plate and you said only the right people could see it.

Yeah, no, you'll be able to, this will be,

there, you will get a plate of something.

Yes, absolutely.

Yep, without question.

Hey, give me two helpings.

Yeah, there you go.

You're going to love it.

This guy falling off the bone.

I will point out there has been a bit of controversy over whether or not this was just a man swimming a man swimming with a catfish attached to his head a man with a catfish on his arm all right enjoy

eight sausage to win wife

sorry say that again please no actually don't sausage to win wife Is this how Joey Chespa got married?

Does that even know me that?

Oh, eight ATE.

Sorry, in my mind.

I swear to God, I thought the number two.

I thought, in my mind, this is like the most Dada

construction for a headline ever.

It was sausage me wife.

It was just like you show up and you're just like, sir, I want your daughter.

Well, she's not going to come cheap.

I want 15 sausage for her.

I'll give you eight.

Eight.

Eight would be just for some random.

This is a perfect woman.

You're going to need to up it from eight.

I'm not.

I should have started lower, shouldn't I have?

You should have.

I mean, I think you know how to negotiate.

I don't know if you know how to negotiate.

Have you never

eighty thousand dollars to buy into your company?

We don't, we no, no, sir,

sir.

We're sausage people,

okay?

So,

Dave, you're muted again.

Okay, sorry, there's a lot going on here with dogs.

No, he meant your personality is too muted.

Yeah,

we want to see more, Dave.

Really swing

when Heinrich was courting Mary.

He had a rival, one John

This is how America pictured Germans.

Yeah.

The two met one evening at her home and got into a dispute as to their capacity for frankfurters.

Which happens.

Amongst the Germans, this happens.

This is very common.

They could eat far more Frankfurters than you could.

They've got another six years for this to be the stereotype.

Yeah.

In the demonstration which followed, both ate 47 when Johnson became when Johnson became ill and had to retire

or de combat.

There was like a guy named Nathan in the bushes who was like, I've got an idea.

Johan will act as best man at the wedding.

I completely forgot that this was any nuptial

part of this.

Johan got sick and couldn't eat any more sausages, so Heinrich won.

And she, being an elegant, wonderful woman, had agreed to this.

Whoever eats the most sausages gets my hand in marriage.

So they're going to figure out who marries me is the way we always do.

Whoever can eat the most sausages.

Is there an article about how she feels about this?

Oh,

come on.

What the fuck are you doing?

Stop.

Jesus Christ.

Come on now.

This is the locker room.

We don't care how they feel.

How many sausages to porker?

Yeah.

How many sausages can she take?

You know what I'm talking about right now?

Dave.

Dave, easy.

How many of you have a lot of people?

I want a woman who can take 47

double penetration, and then there's 47.

David, what?

David.

That's Carrotop's pitch.

I just know.

Anytime I like a girl, I show up and I'm like, I ate 30 sausages.

I really,

I really like you a lot.

I'm starting to get the feels.

So I ate another 10 sausages today.

After the diarrhea subsides, I would like to come back and marry you.

I'm really, really ill.

All I taste is like a metallic.

It's bad.

I say that because

I did a Jimmy Dean hot dog commercial, and I had to put like 50 hot dogs in my mouth.

And you spit them out, but

at the end of the day, my...

It was just my for three days, my, my mouth tasted metallic.

I was just like, this is awesome.

I had to do

Hot Pockets came up with a thing called the Side Shot, where it's like a little bun with like Hot Pocket juice squirted in it.

No.

And I did a commercial for those.

And I, yeah, same thing.

Like, had a spit bucket, but I was pounding those things in the commercial.

And the next day, I went for a run.

And as I was running, I was like,

smell.

And I smell my cigarette.

I'm secreting side shots.

Oh shit.

Okay.

Last one.

Woman's secret.

Every woman.

I have feelings.

Every woman.

I don't like it when men eat hot dogs for my affections.

Honey, there's a captivating article.

Keep that secret to yourself, woman.

Lady, stop.

She's going to upset the entire sausage market.

Stock market crashed.

Right.

1929.

It was from the lack of sausage eating.

Yeah.

Well, women finally spoke up about how they feel about sausages.

Now we're all going to be poor.

Great.

Every woman has a secret that she will not tell her neighbors.

If she is of the housekeeping kind of woman,

it is a secret connected with good bread making or a certain way of testing jelly.

This is just so unfucking believably horrendous.

Quick, let's just go around the horn.

How do you guys test your jelly?

How about a woman doing?

I put a sausage in it.

Oh my God.

I genetically engineered a tongue, put the jelly on it, and however the tongue kind of naturally reacts to it.

Because there's no like other stuff attached to it.

There's no like brain attached to the tongue.

You just made it your

gene engineer stuff.

Jellies?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just for jellies.

It's a crisper.

You have a better way of testing jelly?

I'd love to hear it.

Well, I just,

I fill my wife with it.

Now, how do you like this one, Ophelia?

Take your feelings out of it.

Or maybe it is a secret whereby she can make coffee that her neighbors despair of equaling.

I just love how

like it's almost like women were just shitty Barbie dolls where I was like, you can have jelly tasting or you can have coffee making, but we all know they're gossiping.

If she is a vain woman, it is a secret of putting on face powder so that it does not show or the secret of making some kind of a lotion that will take off sunburn.

Don't say that a woman cannot keep a secret.

Yeah, you definitely do not want to take off your sunburn.

I would

like

if there was one thing I know about 1908, it's that melanoma was in style.

Keep it.

Keep it.

Keep it.

Put the butter on.

Go stand in the hot sun for a little while.

You want that pink color.

Jesus Christ.

Did my skin look like a brown recluse has been biting it for the last year?

I don't know.

That's such a bizarre.

I feel empty after the end.

And it wasn't feeling good before it.

Can I ask a When do newspapers stop with the moralizing?

Because every time I listen to an episode of this, and it's before a certain date, but I don't know what that date is, it's always like the moralizing tone in every article of like, this piece of shit lost all his whiskey, and now we're going to throw him in jail.

Yeah,

David, you know better than me.

I think it was, I think it was like the 70s,

but I think

at that point, they just put it in the hands of like ask,

whatever.

So it switched, and then you could, and then you could do it in there, like write

fake letters and then respond.

They were like, here you go, you could be a real piece of shit here.

So, like, post-Watergate.

They're like, I guess we got to take this seriously.

Yeah.

Dave's hated again.

Well, Andy, sweet Andy Beckerman, thank you for joining us.

A real pleasure.

Couples therapy.

Beginnings.

True, both.

And you're only wearing shirts that says Jews now, which is, we love that.

The government has mandated it.

They sent me a little star of David, a yellow one I have to put on my jacket.

Like, what?

I got more than, I got, I don't have more than one jacket.

I do.

They got to send me more.

Yellow stars of David.

I got three jackets.

I just keep changing it.

Just keep, first of all, stop wearing so many things, and we'll give you one star.

We don't have enough stars.

The economy is the economy.

We don't have this big star budget, okay?

We're not a hidden cave with an Ann Hathaway in it, okay?

All right, everybody, this was the pastimes.

Thank you.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What's up, doll heads?

Join the Gear Force.

Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

That's right, I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois.

Two shows, a 7:15 and a 9:30.

But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th, Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September 16th.

Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th.

And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.

on September 21st.

I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th, Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th, Columbia, Missouri, September 28th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th, Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st, Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd, two shows.

And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.

And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at RoosterTeethfeathers.

Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Join me.

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