138 - The Past Times with Andy Beckerman

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Speaker 32 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Speaker 32 Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 32 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Andy Buckman. Hi, Andy.
Thank you for joining us.

Speaker 32 Hello, hello, coming to you live from the Herodimus Bosch painting. That is America.
There you go, there you go. Good work.

Speaker 32 You got a cat, cat on your lap? Happy cat on your lap? Yeah.

Speaker 32 He's clinging to me lately, which makes me scared. We all are.
You're a beacon of light for us in this dark time.

Speaker 32 How are you handling everything, Andy? The American collapse, etc.

Speaker 32 Okay, here, very quick. I'll tell you exactly.
I think this very short story will tell you my emotional state.

Speaker 32 The other night, I saw just a very, a small, like, pinprick. You can kind of see it on my finger, right? Just a very little like wound, very tiny, less than a millimeter, okay?

Speaker 32 And I got into my head that there must be a splinter there that I'm not seeing. So I took some tweezers and started digging in my finger.
Okay.

Speaker 32 If that lets you know emotionally

Speaker 32 where I am. No splinter.
There's no splinter. There's no evidence of a splinter.
I didn't see a thing there. I just assumed that there had to have been a splinter.

Speaker 32 What's your wife's reaction to something like that?

Speaker 32 Well,

Speaker 32 I mean, she's in the same same bucket as I am, just different, a different section of the bucket. Yeah,

Speaker 32 she's finding fake splinters in other places.

Speaker 32 Well,

Speaker 32 you have a couple great podcasts. One that Dave and I have been on a couple of times, Couples Therapy.
You do it with your wife, Naomi, but you're really flaunting this cat loving you this much.

Speaker 32 It's really ridiculous. And then you have another show called Beginnings that you do.
Yes.

Speaker 32 And people can get those wherever people get podcasts, unless there's some

Speaker 32 special. Do you remember what podcasts were a novelty, Andy?

Speaker 32 Yeah. Or if you know where I live, come to my house, knock on the door.

Speaker 32 No, no, Andy, I would not do that.

Speaker 32 I'll give you like a flash drive with some episodes on if you want. I just, that feels like, that's not how they do it in Cuba.
I don't think that's not.

Speaker 32 I mean, it's fine. All right.
Well, we'll, we'll put your address in the... the info when we post this.
Hey, the CIA has tried to kill me with a poison cigar, too. So, you know what?

Speaker 32 Me and Cuba, we're in the same bucket. I know they tried to kill me.
KO me? Cuba, same bucket.

Speaker 44 All right. I know they tried to kill you with a very small sliver recently.

Speaker 32 Yeah, we all heard about the disappearing splinter. Yeah, Ken Klippenstein reported it.

Speaker 44 I like that you're using a huge microphone that sometimes you lower and so your shirt just says Jews instead of silver juice.

Speaker 32 Yeah, it is nice that the mic is so big that sometimes it's

Speaker 32 super

Speaker 32 you can see what everyone in high school called me if I just move the mic like Jews!

Speaker 32 Where did you go to high school?

Speaker 32 I went to Exeter Township Senior High School.

Speaker 44 Oh, where's that? In what state?

Speaker 32 Reading, Pennsylvania.

Speaker 32 Oh, shit. So you're a Redding Jew? Yeah.
Yes. I had to, I had to, I didn't know anything about like the whole private school world.

Speaker 32 And when people asked me where I went to school, I just said Exeter, because that's what we called it. We didn't say Exeter Township.

Speaker 32 You know, you just said whatever, you know, the shortened form was. And so

Speaker 32 there's a very fancy private school called Exeter. Oh.

Speaker 32 And so I would say that and people would get impressed and they would be like, oh, he's one of us.

Speaker 32 We can, we can, you know, tell, we can say all the horrible white supremacist shit around this guy because he's been to

Speaker 32 the school. And then very quickly I learned that that's

Speaker 32 like Andover, like all the, you know, like the prep schools that shovel you into Harvard, that shovel you into, you know, hanging out with Paul Wolfowitz.

Speaker 32 Great guy. Great lucky.

Speaker 32 Great guy. Just still.
Is he still with us cooking? I hope so. I hope so.
Yeah, he's because we're starting to lose some of those great guys. We lost Rummy a few years ago.

Speaker 44 If he had just gotten that flat tax through in post-war Iraq, I think that whole situation would have turned around.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Yeah, it would have brought back at least half a million Iraqis to life. Absolutely.
No, I think we're all, I mean, look, we're big pro-Iraq guys. We all are.
So

Speaker 32 I think that just remember that when you're listening to this, that's how this kind of skews. We're big into Iraq.

Speaker 32 We're big Iraq guys.

Speaker 32 Andy, as our guest, you're going to get to guess what year this newspaper is going to be from.

Speaker 32 Dave will

Speaker 32 make it so you win either way.

Speaker 44 Crying has already begun.

Speaker 32 Dave's going to make it so you win either way.

Speaker 44 You're a sore loser.

Speaker 44 It's carrying over.

Speaker 32 You're the Trump of the past times first five minutes.

Speaker 44 And by that, you mean a winner.

Speaker 32 All right. So, Andy, you could guess could be 1700s, could be 1,800s, could be 1900, it could be 2000s.
Who knows? Wait, I've always wondered this. Is there a year it can't be?

Speaker 32 Like, is there a year where there were no newspapers in America?

Speaker 44 Like, the 1650s is when I think the first ones start popping up.

Speaker 32 But I wouldn't say 1650.

Speaker 32 I'm going to say, I'm just going to year my favorite disease. So 1918.

Speaker 44 What's your favorite disease?

Speaker 32 Likes that flu. Got to love that flu, baby.
Likes that flu, baby. That flu.
I like 1918. Really showboating this cat for those who are.

Speaker 32 This cat is

Speaker 44 really getting involved.

Speaker 32 He's really pulling folks. Cat's our fourth.

Speaker 32 I will guess,

Speaker 32 I like your guess. I like your guess a lot, to be quite honest with you.
I'm just going to lower it. I'm going to go 1875 just so we have fun.
But I think you're right.

Speaker 32 I think it's going to be near there.

Speaker 44 Well, then you're wrong because it's 1908. You're like, Andy wins.
Andy wins. Fair and square.
And I knew he would.

Speaker 32 And I knew he would.

Speaker 44 And, Gareth, what do we do on this podcast when we lose?

Speaker 32 Show hole.

Speaker 44 What do you have to say?

Speaker 32 I lost.

Speaker 32 Yeah, you did. Dave just started doing this last episode, Andy.

Speaker 32 He's like, now I'm going to show him. And then if the guess is hell, it's just hell.

Speaker 32 Stop. You're very poor.

Speaker 32 Just stop it.

Speaker 32 Can you say show hole?

Speaker 32 No. All right, let's start.

Speaker 44 The Alex Tribune of Alex, Oklahoma. And of course,

Speaker 44 April 3rd, 1908, of course, I had to go look up where Alex is. And

Speaker 44 right now it's a town of like 450. And then, of course, I had to look at their high school because if you look on pictures pictures of Alex, all that comes up is their high school football team.

Speaker 44 And if there's, if there's 400 and some odd people there, then how good can the football team be? And so I looked it up, and they play an eight-man, they play in an eight-man team league.

Speaker 32 I like that.

Speaker 32 Wait, does that mean they're both offense and defense? They must be an Iron Man.

Speaker 32 Or maybe

Speaker 32 it's there's an all-time QB like we used to do when we were a kid.

Speaker 44 All-time QB? Yeah.

Speaker 44 What does that mean?

Speaker 32 You just rotate around. One guy's the QB the whole time.

Speaker 44 Yeah, but that's what happens on regular football.

Speaker 32 You're not listening. No, I'm paying for it.
Oh, God.

Speaker 44 A guy switches sides. Andy.

Speaker 32 Yes, Dave.

Speaker 32 Whoever has the best arm.

Speaker 32 That's stupid.

Speaker 32 Andy and I are laughing at you, buddy. And we love you, but we're having a laugh in your direction on this one.

Speaker 44 Did they let, did they let, and did they call you the Jew? Like, we're the the only, how many Jewish guys were in your school? Talking about me,

Speaker 32 yes, Gareth. I know, they never called me the Jew.
Well,

Speaker 32 for the listener, you have a giant star David on a chain. I was David,

Speaker 32 like Flavor Flavia. Oh, I didn't know that was affiliated with a religion.
I just thought, I just, to me, it made me feel like I was a lister. I've seen people in Hollywood wear these, I think.

Speaker 32 I don't know. Frank Gilman wears one.

Speaker 44 I went to a

Speaker 44 Catholic school and a Jewish guy was there.

Speaker 44 Wow. You can imagine when they called him.

Speaker 44 I could never understand it, but there he was. And he took a lot of heat.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 44 This is the headline. Some spiritual excitement.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Someone's going to die.

Speaker 44 Last Friday, last

Speaker 44 Friday, please.

Speaker 44 What is his name? P-L-E-A-S?

Speaker 32 Please? Please. Please?

Speaker 32 P-U-L-E-E-Z-E. Please.

Speaker 44 Why wouldn't you put the E on the end?

Speaker 32 I mean,

Speaker 32 nobody asked nicely.

Speaker 44 Last Friday, please Lindsay of Texas and Oklahoma visited Alice.

Speaker 32 Please, Lindsay. Lindsay, please.
Please. Please.
No, I'm having a bad time Lindsay's melting down please

Speaker 32 Jesus Christ Lindsay Lindsay it's just a bowling party stop

Speaker 44 please visited Alex

Speaker 44 please visited Alex telling the landlord of the hotel

Speaker 44 that he was expecting to lease some land in this vicinity

Speaker 44 His trunk was carried with considerable oh, this is a dude his trunk was considered

Speaker 44 his trunk was carried with considerable

Speaker 44 secrecy up the backstairs and deposited in his room under lock and key.

Speaker 32 There is a body in there.

Speaker 44 There's a body.

Speaker 32 It got there. So far, it's just like how a bag goes to a room, but they're all like, they were very,

Speaker 44 very.

Speaker 32 And he wanted it.

Speaker 44 He did not announce what was in his trunk.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Need to say more?

Speaker 32 We know what it is. Prop comic.

Speaker 32 We know what's in there. Opening for favorite top.
It's please Lindsay. Hello.
Oh, my my god

Speaker 32 please lindsey

Speaker 44 i call this a workhorse

Speaker 44 it's a horse with a workman's outfit

Speaker 32 it's a horse skeleton with a construction hat on so mine aren't combinations of anything they're just pretty straightforward i just show items i've acquired i call this one a candelabra this is a robe Look at that.

Speaker 32 I bet this is the sort of thing you put on. You're like, hey, I just took a shower.
Okay, I guess I'll wear this around my room for a little while. It's a real

Speaker 32 chilly. It's chilly.
I'll put on my robe. I'll put on my while you're putting on your robe.
Why not light one of these candles?

Speaker 32 Look at this.

Speaker 32 Oh, my God. Carrot Top does a lot of different.
Carrot Top, well, you'll like his stuff. He's combining stuff a lot more.
Honestly, this sounds like the prop comic for America 2025. Absolutely.
Yep.

Speaker 32 Question.

Speaker 32 The best. Do get booked as a prop comic who just bring.
a couple. Hey, what do you call this? Yarn?

Speaker 32 Yes. Yarn? Yeah, what is this? Yarn?

Speaker 32 Yarn? Huh? Look at that. I got four different colors of this shit.
What am I doing with this shit? Look at that. Huh? I mean, men don't use yarn.

Speaker 44 Am I right?

Speaker 32 Huh? How about this? Uh-oh. Better look out.

Speaker 32 Somebody called the Dustbuster.

Speaker 32 Oh, boy. Branson, Missouri was run by Nazis.
That is this kind of comedy in America now.

Speaker 32 That's the opener. All right.

Speaker 32 Give him the light. He's doing that Branson Missouri stuff I don't love.

Speaker 44 Okay, so then Lindsay went out, his pockets bulging.

Speaker 44 There's a lot of

Speaker 44 presumptive shit going on. Yeah.

Speaker 32 Who's the reporter? Does it say? Was there a byline? No.

Speaker 44 Nobody says who wrote.

Speaker 32 Nobody will put their name on this.

Speaker 32 Bulging pockets.

Speaker 44 He went out to make arrangements about the lease, no doubt. In the course of the evening, he came back to the hotel.

Speaker 32 But

Speaker 44 when he got there,

Speaker 44 the cupboard was bare. The trunk had mysteriously disappeared.

Speaker 44 All right, so someone stole a shit.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 By the way, you had to sign a lease every time you got a hotel room.

Speaker 32 Yeah,

Speaker 32 12-month lease.

Speaker 32 And just the security deposit. A 12-month lease.
I just need it for like three nights. We don't do those leases here.

Speaker 32 You're going to have to break the lease if you want to leave. I mean, that's fine.
You can break the lease, but there's a you're gonna incur a fee.

Speaker 32 There's some chic-das pain up here you might want to take care of before you move out.

Speaker 32 I just got here yesterday.

Speaker 44 A Lindsay, being somewhat intoxicated, raised a rough house with the landlord who had never even seen the trunk, but he locked it in the hotel room. He's supposed to be upset.
Yes.

Speaker 32 But how is also a landlord?

Speaker 32 Just this whole system.

Speaker 32 Quick question. Did the bulging pockets ever feature back into this? Or was that just local color? I hope they do.

Speaker 44 I mean, when you see a man coming out of a hotel with thick pockets, you know something's up.

Speaker 32 It sounds like this is what happened. Someone got, this guy got robbed.
And then it sounds like this is a pro-skew, landlord skew.

Speaker 32 So they're just making regular things seem mysterious to make it seem, they're just trying to throw you off the scent.

Speaker 44 Or they're buddies with

Speaker 44 the owner of the hotel, so they're just trying to back him up because there's like 10 people in the fucking town.

Speaker 32 Then you'll never get. He came downstairs with a jacket on.

Speaker 32 You know what that means.

Speaker 32 Quick, what do you think was in the pockets?

Speaker 32 Cats.

Speaker 32 What did you say?

Speaker 44 Cats.

Speaker 32 Living or dead? That's interesting.

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 32 Okay. Oh, Schrodinger.

Speaker 44 There's one pockets for alive cats, one pockets for dead cats.

Speaker 32 I like to think toilet paper. I like to think this guy liked the room paper a little better.
And if he thought, if he went to the lobby and had to go drop,

Speaker 32 that he would have that, you know?

Speaker 44 That's fair.

Speaker 32 I don't know why. I was imagining salamanders.
Like, he's a little kid who was going out and just soaking stuff in the forest. Like what kids would just

Speaker 32 say, you're of the age where it's like, don't let him show you. He's got worms.
In his pockets, in his pockets, in his pockets.

Speaker 44 Do kids still go out and catch salamanders? Is that still a thing? No. No.
It's not, right? We used to always catch salamanders.

Speaker 32 Yeah, we got skinks. You ever have those? Skinks? Skinks.
Skinks? Little tiny lizard guys. No, I never heard of skink.
You had those in

Speaker 32 Redding?

Speaker 32 Yeah. Hey, Redding Skinks.
Yeah. Never heard of the Redding Skinks? No, I never heard of the Redding Skinks.
The minor league team? No.

Speaker 32 All right, Skinks fans. Let them hear it.

Speaker 44 Okay, so this proved to be Lindsay's undoing for the trouble soon reached the ears of authorities who put him under arrest for bootlegging. What in the fuck just happened?

Speaker 32 Well, okay, now it's now, okay, so he's a bootlegger. He, okay.

Speaker 44 So that's what was in his pockets. It was booze.

Speaker 32 Now I do think he had skinks in his pocket. Yeah.

Speaker 44 Enter detectives

Speaker 44 searching for the lost trunk. About one o'clock, the trunk was found with a few pints of bad whiskey in it.

Speaker 44 The hotel office was temporarily converted into a calaboose. It's the second time we've heard that phrase, and I feel like we have never heard it, but today we've heard it twice.

Speaker 44 Never heard it before.

Speaker 44 And after being guarded therein all night, Lindsay was taken to Chickashaw, where he confessed to whiskey peddling.

Speaker 44 He is wanted in Chickashaw on three other charges, in Lindsay for several offenses, and by the federal authorities for breaking U.S. laws.

Speaker 44 we can safely predict that he will get his.

Speaker 32 Jesus,

Speaker 32 chill out.

Speaker 32 I feel like there should be a noose emoji at the end of that. Yeah,

Speaker 32 we'll show him.

Speaker 32 There's something great about robbing someone doing something illegal. So, like stealing a guy's bootleg boots, because then he's like, What are you freaking out about? He's like, Someone took that.

Speaker 32 Nobody took

Speaker 32 it, it's fine. Just

Speaker 32 yeah,

Speaker 32 or

Speaker 32 or

Speaker 32 maybe there was legitimate stuff in there,

Speaker 32 and he's being framed. Why, why immediately jump

Speaker 32 to think that pleases a criminal?

Speaker 32 Thank you. Devilish idea.

Speaker 44 Thank you.

Speaker 32 That's quite a, that's quite a, that, that's, that's quite a theory. I like it.
So you rob the trunk, and then you just put three bottles of bootlegged whiskey in it. Yeah.

Speaker 32 And then whatever you say, and the police are like, shut up, asshole. We don't believe you bootleggers.

Speaker 32 So what you got with all my salamanders, though? Yeah,

Speaker 32 we know it was in there.

Speaker 44 You take out all the candle operas and robes and you replace it with whiskey.

Speaker 32 How am I going to do my show tonight?

Speaker 32 What am I going to do with my show?

Speaker 32 It's just a regular packed suitcase. It's your regular packed suitcase.
Hey, look at another shirt. Okay.
How many did I pack?

Speaker 32 This is crazy. This is some crazy stuff, guys.
You ever see a belt? Look at that.

Speaker 32 Oh, which loop am I on? I don't even remember

Speaker 32 and i got two of these freaking things oh boy oh are you guys understanding my hook it feels like there's a lot of uh blank stares out there right now i just imagine a belt in each arm waving like it's one of those things outside of a car dealership

Speaker 44 Several morals are attached to this tale of a trunk, among which is this one. If you must pedal booze, do not patronize yourself unless you are willing for your friends to spirit away your spirits.

Speaker 44 Yeah, I got drunk with a bunch of guys, and he told him he's got booze in his room.

Speaker 32 Oh my God.

Speaker 32 The writer of this line item, I hesitate to even call it an article. You know that they had that line at the end.
Yeah. And then they just, they're like, I got to write this.

Speaker 32 This line is too good to waste. I know where I'm headed.

Speaker 32 I got my ending. He's got note cards on his wall.
I know the ending. I know the ending, which is good.

Speaker 32 Like he's plotting a TV show. Yeah.

Speaker 32 All right, so then line two.

Speaker 44 Oh, do you want to know the price of

Speaker 32 eggs? Let's guess. Let's guess.

Speaker 32 What, for a dozen or an egg? How did they sell an egg? I don't know.

Speaker 44 It just says eggs. It doesn't say.

Speaker 32 You've got a price of eggs?

Speaker 44 That's what you have. It just says eggs, and then there's a price.
price.

Speaker 32 I'm going to based on the price. What do you think? Is it per egg or per

Speaker 32 amount?

Speaker 44 Per egg. I think it's per egg.

Speaker 32 Per egg. I'm going to say two cents.
I'm going to say

Speaker 32 four cents.

Speaker 44 It's nine cents.

Speaker 32 What? What? Is Trump in the White House?

Speaker 44 Corn is 45 to 49 cents.

Speaker 32 What?

Speaker 44 Maybe they sell corn by the dozen?

Speaker 32 I'll take 12 kernels. I'll do 12 cobs.

Speaker 32 There we go.

Speaker 44 J.G. McAllister, who has been troubled with rheumatism lately, carried the mail today.

Speaker 32 They only did initials for like a full century.

Speaker 32 There was a, yeah, there was a while where they just did initials like that's it they'd give your address out but they'd be like nobody could know the first two names yeah

Speaker 32 qw wenzel yeah who lives on main

Speaker 32 look he carried them all today dave's dog right now is literally like please please dave's dog did like a thing in a movie where they like where like you know people are like slipping on banana peels and they cut to the dog and the dog goes

Speaker 32 yeah that dog right now is look at that people slipping on banana peels this is obviously a buster keaton film in my mind. Well, we did an episode on that of,

Speaker 32 we did a dollop on the banana. It is absolutely fucking crazy.
Like,

Speaker 32 it's so good.

Speaker 44 It was a legitimate

Speaker 32 insurance. Yeah, like insurance fraud garore for people just putting out banana peels and just being like, don't got zooks.
Was it like some con artist that was doing it?

Speaker 44 It was a bunch of con.

Speaker 32 It was like, yeah, it was like the whole movement where like, like, it was just like, you you know how, like, if you buy like a couple pseudo feds, now they're like, we need to see ID.

Speaker 32 Back then, if you're getting three bananas, they're like, we're not idiots.

Speaker 32 We know where this is headed.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 44 J.G. McAllister, who has been troubled with rheumatism lately, carried the mail today for the first time in three weeks.

Speaker 32 Oh.

Speaker 32 What a lovely story about making the infirmed work.

Speaker 32 Did it it say you got his Medicare benefits then? No, no, no. That's why he had to keep carrying.
There you go now. Walk it off.
Walk your rheumatism off. You're ready to go.
Did Hemingway write that?

Speaker 32 That's just like one sentence.

Speaker 32 Guest editor Ernest Hemingway.

Speaker 44 Can you guess which dog that is?

Speaker 32 That is Maple.

Speaker 32 Nope.

Speaker 32 Pablo?

Speaker 32 Nope.

Speaker 32 My boy?

Speaker 44 That's your boy.

Speaker 32 That's Larry?

Speaker 44 That's Larry. He got a cut.
He got a summer cut.

Speaker 32 Wow. He looks way different.
It's a beautiful cut. He does.
You ruined your dog. Yep.
Yeah. It's over.
He's depressed.

Speaker 32 It's like one. He's still in bed.
He's like, I can't do this shit.

Speaker 44 J.E. Mc McMinn recently purchased a fine violin and has been making the evenings melodious.
Mac is a good musician.

Speaker 32 Which back then was probably enjoyable, but my brain just thinks of today where I'll be like, take your fiddle and shove it up your ass.

Speaker 44 Yeah, get that thing the fuck out of here.

Speaker 32 What if it's just turkey in the straw over and over again?

Speaker 32 Do you know anything else? No.

Speaker 32 Do you care to? No.

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Speaker 44 Uh, J.E.

Speaker 32 Henry's these guys come on, stop initials, stop.

Speaker 44 They all start with Jay.

Speaker 32 It's ridiculously stupid.

Speaker 44 J.E. Henry's wagon show is to be here this evening, according to the posters.

Speaker 32 Oh, my God. It's a wagon show.
It's got to be absolutely horrible.

Speaker 44 Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the red wagon?

Speaker 32 Whoa. And people are going to be able to do it.
Someone pulls out on stage. There's a spotlight on the wagon.
And everyone's just clapping for like 10 minutes and then they pull it off.

Speaker 32 And now the blue wagon.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 And now some prop comedy from Lindsay. Well, that's going to be a hard act to follow.

Speaker 32 By the way, hey, you ever seen a cane? What are these things? That's crazy. Ever seen someone walking with it? They're like,

Speaker 32 it helps me walk. This one's curved.
This one's straight? Pick a shape.

Speaker 32 I'm sorry. I didn't know we could do it both ways.

Speaker 32 That's pretty crazy to me.

Speaker 44 Anytime someone talks about a prop comic, most people think a carrot Top, but for most people, that's just

Speaker 44 a memory or a vision of a guy who pulls things out and talks about them.

Speaker 32 For me, saying this on the streets of Vegas with nobody around.

Speaker 44 For me,

Speaker 32 just the way carrying little flyers behind him.

Speaker 44 The story happened in Vegas. It's Carrot Top trying to get me to go to a brothel so he can watch me have sex with

Speaker 32 my escort.

Speaker 44 He tried for a good half hour, and I was like, That's not, that's absolutely not happening.

Speaker 32 Is this prop or comedy? Pre-ripped Carrot Top?

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 32 Okay, so he couldn't just like pick you up and go, we're going to a brothel. Fuck him.

Speaker 32 Suck this man's dick,

Speaker 32 Mr. Top, please.
Shut up. Boy, he's really hot.
Not Carrot Bottom. Yeah.

Speaker 32 Bang my friend. Do what Caretop says.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 32 That's amazing.

Speaker 44 J.E. Henry's wagon shows to be here this evening according to posters displayed in and about town.
The circus, if such it is, fails to recognize

Speaker 32 this so-called circus.

Speaker 32 The wagon guy's like, don't call it a circus. It's not a circus.
No. It's a wagon show.
I have five bunnies.

Speaker 32 We're the the ringmaster, wagon man? No, no, it's not what it is.

Speaker 44 The circus, if such it is, fails to recognize the value of newspaper advertising, which leads us to doubt whether it is much of a

Speaker 32 salty-ass publication, wanted some money.

Speaker 32 You come to dumb dipshit, couldn't take out a two-cent ad. Yeah, idiot.

Speaker 32 Hey.

Speaker 44 You come to Alex.

Speaker 44 You pay for a fucking ad. Yeah.
You understand? By the way. But But your circus isn't a circus.

Speaker 32 Writing an article about a wagon show that hasn't paid for advertising is really the dumbest gripe of all time.

Speaker 32 Like, nobody's going to know about his wagon show because he didn't put his name in the paper. Alex, who comes here Thursday night with his wagon show.

Speaker 32 They should rename the Streisand effect the wagon show effect. The wagon show effect, because now everybody wants the now everybody knows about the wagon show.

Speaker 32 And people are like, I don't understand. It's like, well, there was one time a wagon show where

Speaker 32 You guys could do a dollop episode on why it's called the wagon show. The eras of the effects.

Speaker 44 That's right.

Speaker 32 It's called the dinosaur effect.

Speaker 44 Musicale, is musicale a word?

Speaker 32 Musical is a word.

Speaker 44 Yeah. Musicale by pupils of miss lockhart.

Speaker 44 Last Friday evening occurred one of the most pleasant events which Alex people have enjoyed for some time.

Speaker 44 This was the occasion of the musicale given by the pupils of Miss Gordon Lockhart at the Adair home.

Speaker 44 The pupils showed remarkable proficiency and delightfully entertained the audience of invited guests which had gathered.

Speaker 44 So this is a time period where you had to go to shit like this because it was all that was happening. And it's horrendous.

Speaker 32 Someone's house? Yeah, what's happening?

Speaker 44 The kids sang.

Speaker 44 They did a musical. It's like a school musical, like that kind of thing.
The thing you wouldn't go to unless you were were a parent.

Speaker 44 Even as a parent, you're like, this should be shorter, shouldn't it?

Speaker 32 Like the thing, like if your parents are having a dinner party or something, and you go down and like sing a son, this I never did this, just so we're clear. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 32 But yeah, right. I hear all these stories of like actors.
They're like, yeah, I used to, when my parents had a dinner party, I'd go down and sing something from South Pacific, and everyone clapped.

Speaker 32 And that's now why I'm an actor.

Speaker 32 It doesn't take much to make me hate actors all over again, but that pretty much does it. And it's so reminiscent of what I did.

Speaker 32 And by the way, I just want to say, because Dave, I think you threw out something that might offend some of our listenership, which is that you don't have to have a kid in like a choir or a concert to go to that stuff.

Speaker 32 Yeah, you do.

Speaker 32 No, you don't. I've gone to a ton of those.

Speaker 44 I've got nieces and nephews.

Speaker 32 No, no, no.

Speaker 32 I to a school where I don't know anyone. Some nights I'll just be a little down in the dump.

Speaker 32 Some nights I'll just

Speaker 32 sometimes I'll just find out that I'll just go to the school and I'll just go stand in the back and I'll just be like, man, this is just fun. This is just good stuff.
You and Dershowin. Just go and

Speaker 32 a couple of easygoing dudes who just get how it works.

Speaker 32 I love my Dershaw.

Speaker 44 Okay, musicale is a thing. It's a musical gathering or concert, typically small and informal, often private.

Speaker 32 So

Speaker 44 it's an actual thing. Sounds horrible.
So

Speaker 32 uh

Speaker 44 here's an example uh used in a sentence musicales at which anita and her mother played the piano

Speaker 32 it sounds terrible country of origin for the word yeah please sir

Speaker 32 i would much rather go see a wagon event than sit in someone's living room be like oh cool mother daughter

Speaker 44 The embroidery club met Wednesday with Miss Bednar and spent a most enjoyable afternoon, vocal and instrumental music being an agreeable feature. Dainty refreshments were served.

Speaker 32 Every man was the first two initials, and every woman was just the last name and a miss.

Speaker 44 Miss. She gets a miss, yeah.

Speaker 32 Well, she's not a full human. She's not.

Speaker 32 Not until like 19, what, 67? I think we're going to repeal that nasty law pretty soon, Andy.

Speaker 44 I would like to point out that there is a newspaper story about an embroidery club, and Gareth is stuck on the name. Gareth, it is a newspaper story about embroidering.

Speaker 32 It doesn't surprise me. My first thought was it does not surprise me.
There is nothing going on. There is nothing going on.

Speaker 32 I don't know if you read the New York Times, but there's embroidery articles all the time.

Speaker 32 Ever heard of Etsy? A1 embroidery, and then like D17, something about maybe genocide somewhere. But the embroidery is Page one.

Speaker 32 Boy, they've really

Speaker 32 handling it well.

Speaker 32 As they always do.

Speaker 44 Quite a number of members were absent through illness, and we thought it a measly shame.

Speaker 32 A measly?

Speaker 44 I think they're.

Speaker 32 Like you're one of the little rascals? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 44 I think it's a word. I think it's wordplay.

Speaker 44 Contemptibly smaller few. No, I guess it's not.

Speaker 32 A measly. Measly's tiny, yeah.
Oh, I thought you were just like saying it like a measly. That's what I meant like a disease, like you didn't show up because you have measles.
That'd be great.

Speaker 32 Maybe.

Speaker 44 But honestly, that might be what's going on because he put measly in quotes, which is what I think.

Speaker 32 So in other words, we understood measles better that time than we do now.

Speaker 44 No, 90%.

Speaker 32 The HHS secretary was.

Speaker 44 No, you want to get it, so then you don't get it again.

Speaker 32 It's great for you.

Speaker 44 That's what they say.

Speaker 32 No, it's good. No, I always say, listen to the guy who

Speaker 32 God's trying to remove his voice for the sake of society. Listen to that guy.
Please, listen to me.

Speaker 32 Like, evolution is trying to silence RFK. Hold on, drink pond water.

Speaker 44 No, it's great to have a guy in charge of our health who wakes up every morning and just chugs a glass of feces.

Speaker 32 Chugs a glass of feces and then does Roids and is like, our our bodies are temples.

Speaker 32 Wait, sorry. I'm not supposed to do that?

Speaker 32 No, I like it for you. I like that for you a lot.
I mean, do you not like my, like, my shiny skin? No, you look very...

Speaker 32 You're definitely.

Speaker 32 I mean,

Speaker 32 there's no doubt about it.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 It feels like you want us to keep going, so I'll keep trying. But yeah, you look really good and jacked, and the roids are really working.

Speaker 32 And yeah you've got you've got a good you've got a healthy everything about you looks very healthy a glow

Speaker 32 you got a glow there's a big glow there's that beckerman

Speaker 44 blossom the beckerman yeah the beckerman beckerman blossom is what they call it

Speaker 32 doctors can't figure out what's wrong well i mean that's um that's an interesting follow-up obviously but uh

Speaker 32 but uh you know i think that i would you know let it let them look is what i would say let them keep looking andy because you're looking good so i don't know what they're yeah what they're they're even going for.

Speaker 32 So

Speaker 44 Naomi's a lucky lady.

Speaker 32 Lucky woman. Lucky woman.

Speaker 32 I'm not allowed to sleep in the bed with her. Well, I mean, again, I think, you know what? Let's get back to the paper because I think when we're doing the personal stuff,

Speaker 32 it's getting a little,

Speaker 32 it's upsetting, maybe, but good for you. And let those doctors, let those doctors figure it out.
Yeah, let them figure it out.

Speaker 32 I'm sure you sleep in a little, maybe a little bed near the bed or something like that, maybe is where she's got yours. Floor.
Yeah. Floor, maybe.
There's a space under the bed.

Speaker 32 Thanks for sleeping on the bed. All right.
That's crazy to hear.

Speaker 44 Like that X-Files episode. Yeah.

Speaker 32 Yeah, no, that's crazy to hear that he's under the bed, Dave. Obviously, that's, I mean, that's not great.
I think. Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 32 I don't love it, to be honest with you.

Speaker 32 All right. All right.
Three, two, one. Hurry up.

Speaker 32 Oh, Jesus, hurry up.

Speaker 44 Great big bundles of old paper for sale at the Tribune office. Five cents buys a bunch.

Speaker 32 So for

Speaker 32 look, how this is

Speaker 44 this is their

Speaker 44 times version of like a seed DVD collection. What else is there to do?

Speaker 32 It's like get old papers and read them. Yeah, just grab it and you're like, wow.
We were so dumb back then.

Speaker 32 Now drink your iodine.

Speaker 32 We knew so little.

Speaker 32 There was cocaine in this soda? Crazy. That's crazy.
Hey, honey, will you pass the radium?

Speaker 32 I just want a couple licks. I just want to do a couple licks before bed.
I want to read in bed, so I'll just open my mouth so you don't get disturbed. Can you help me?

Speaker 32 My jaw's feeling a little detached. Don't not too much.
Don't move it too much.

Speaker 44 The Mystic Cave Company at Sulfur has been in Mystic Cave Company.

Speaker 32 Yeah, we're out.

Speaker 32 That's a great name for a production company. Mystic Cave Company and Hathaway.

Speaker 44 What happens in it

Speaker 32 is in a story

Speaker 32 that will blow your mind. Something you've never seen before.
We definitely have it filmed and edited.

Speaker 32 We should go downstairs and check out the basement.

Speaker 32 Uh-oh.

Speaker 32 What's in the basement? Probably something dramatic.

Speaker 44 Is it a cave?

Speaker 44 What is that?

Speaker 32 This summer.

Speaker 32 Or some summer. Summer.

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 32 And Hathaway

Speaker 32 is

Speaker 32 filmed in this.

Speaker 44 The Mystic Cave Company at Sulphur has been incorporated with a capital stock of 20,000. it is the purpose of the company to explore the cave which has been the subject of many a newspaper story

Speaker 32 what so this is kind of like they're uh they're submersible

Speaker 44 i think they're i mean they're they're trying to sell stock in a bullshit thing is what yeah it sounds like uh it sounds like absolutely the second anyone asks questions you're like let me take you let me take you down there i'll show you how good it is

Speaker 32 there you go and they're like they're walking behind you, like slapping a blackjack onto their palm. Yeah, right, yeah, right, yeah.
Yeah, just go down the cave, you'll come back up for sure.

Speaker 32 There you go, you got this, feel better, kill the lamp.

Speaker 44 I mean, there is a mystic caverns in Sulphur City, Texas, I think Sulphur City, Texas. Oh, no, it's in Harrison, Arkansas.

Speaker 32 No, no, it's in Schittsville, Texas.

Speaker 32 I feel like it's either Texas or Arkansas. Two of our finest.

Speaker 32 I don't know.

Speaker 44 I mean, you know, we got nothing on this.

Speaker 44 Nothing ever came of

Speaker 44 the sulfur caverns. I mean, the Mystic Caverns.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 32 Are these Mystic Caves still a company?

Speaker 32 Can I still buy stock in them?

Speaker 44 Andy, Andy.

Speaker 32 Why are you so Andy? Hold on. Let me open my

Speaker 32 Alpha Robin Hood. No, Andy, Andy.

Speaker 32 Andy, Andy.

Speaker 32 Andy, this is over 100 years ago. They folded.

Speaker 32 Andy. Still investing.
It'll come back. That's what everyone tells me about the stock market.
Andy, Andy, no. It's coming back.
Andy. $80,000.
Oh, my God, Andy. Andy.
Andy.

Speaker 32 Andy, no. It's good.

Speaker 44 I like to see someone with a little hope.

Speaker 32 Too late.

Speaker 44 I think you made a really good buy.

Speaker 32 Hey, honey, how was work? I made some interesting investments at home while you were gone.

Speaker 32 I mean, climate change is going to destroy everything anyway in my lifetime. So, like, why not invest $80,000 in a company that no longer exists? Yeah.

Speaker 32 Find the flaw. It's hard for me to push back, to be honest with you.
I don't know.

Speaker 32 Remember what it was, like, our grandkids' kids' lifetime? Like, in our lifetimes, it went from grandkids' kids' lifetime to like, yeah, it'll probably take us all out.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 That's cool. Even when it was like your kids.
I was like, All right, let's keep it there, not any closer. No, it's like, no, we're all gonna die from it.

Speaker 32 Yeah, yeah, remember when you could look, you could like say, Oh, it's gonna climate change is gonna kill us soon, and then you look at your watch as a joke, like as if it was happening.

Speaker 32 Now you can literally look at your watch and be like, Oh, yes, no, uh, in the next three hours, there's gonna be like a class 12 fire cane that's gonna fly through here where they just keep going, like, once in a century, and you're like, You say that every weekend now, so

Speaker 32 time to change our metrics.

Speaker 44 Mother's modest demands. Lawyers will take almost any case and Chicago lawyers, it seems, will take anything.

Speaker 44 A Chicago woman put her son in a children's home there and is now bringing suit because they cut off the boy's curls.

Speaker 44 She's right.

Speaker 32 Oh, my lord. She's right over curls.
Is it just a short haircut or do they shave the kid's head?

Speaker 44 I bet they shaved it, but that's

Speaker 44 great.

Speaker 32 Every time you got a bad haircut, you could bring a suit. That would be pretty bad.
I mean,

Speaker 32 most haircuts in the wild, you're like, oh, God. Oh, terrible.
Like when you're in the middle of a bad haircut and you're like,

Speaker 32 and you got to still sit there and be like, that was awesome.

Speaker 32 John Grisham's barbershop. John Grisham's Anne Hathaway.
A Mystic Cave Production.

Speaker 44 Every curl was worth $1,000 to me, she says.

Speaker 32 Whoa.

Speaker 44 And they gave him a bath, too, against my wishes.

Speaker 32 Oh, Christ. Plus, they took off his back tar.

Speaker 44 I brought my little dirt boy in, and they fixed him.

Speaker 32 Now you leave him nice and dirty and curly. Do you understand? I'll be back at five, honey.
What, this? He smells like violets? Yes, we should be.

Speaker 32 He's not my kid anymore. Get rid of him.
You can keep him. My boy had curls and was filthy.
Goodbye.

Speaker 32 Enjoy your new life, Gabriel.

Speaker 44 He is a delicate child, and bathing makes him sick. I haven't given him a bath since a year ago, Christmas.

Speaker 32 Jeez. Boy, we are really RFKing.
No, I'm just imagining like the shape of a child, but you just see bugs crawling all over this shape, like centipedes.

Speaker 32 Like an anime creature.

Speaker 32 I haven't given him a bath for over a year. You broke our streak.

Speaker 32 That tub, they were like, sweet God, throw the tub out. But you poke through, and there's no actual child below there.
It's just the butt. The child's gone now.

Speaker 32 It's just the body in the shape of a child. This is just a million bugs who got a wig.

Speaker 32 Help us. Can you feed us more larvae?

Speaker 32 Our curls! Our curls are gone. Our curls,

Speaker 32 the source of our power.

Speaker 32 The fuck's freaking out. Well, we had a good run, boys.

Speaker 32 I'll be honest, we're not a boy at all.

Speaker 32 You got us.

Speaker 32 You got us. All right.

Speaker 44 It is,

Speaker 44 she's asking for 15,000.

Speaker 32 That's just nuts.

Speaker 32 That's 12 million eggs.

Speaker 32 Nuts.

Speaker 44 Well, that's actually $574,000 today.

Speaker 32 Oh, now it makes sense. Sure.

Speaker 32 Sounded nuts back then. Yeah.

Speaker 32 But when you adjust for inflation. Yeah, no, now I get it.
No, now I get it. Now I get it.
Now it makes sense. Yeah, you get it, right?

Speaker 32 Yeah, you cut off his curls and you bathed him, so now I want half a million dollars. How will we ever rebuild? Hair doesn't grow and dirt doesn't accumulate.
This boys are forever different.

Speaker 32 This one time the CIA put a splinter in my finger

Speaker 32 and I sued them. Andy.

Speaker 32 Andy. Andy.

Speaker 32 It happened. Andy.
And I sued them for about $6 million, and I won. Is that right?

Speaker 32 I mean, you just invested $80,000 in a cave that was a swindle. Where do you think I got the $80,000 from? Okay.
$80. Cash Patel.
$80. Cash Patel.
What?

Speaker 32 I don't know who the CIA director is, so it's Cash Patel. Andy walked over and gave me the money directly.

Speaker 44 Have you

Speaker 44 stopped taking your meds?

Speaker 32 Uh, I didn't start taking them. The doctor is very mad.

Speaker 32 Boom.

Speaker 32 Boom.

Speaker 32 It's like, are you going? Like, you've been buying them. I prescribe them.
You're going to be refills.

Speaker 32 I like to swim in pills.

Speaker 32 Yeah, like

Speaker 32 Scrooge McDuck with pills. By Scrooge McDuck and my pills.

Speaker 32 I'm diving into a bin of Zoloft.

Speaker 32 Oh, yeah. Spitting it out.

Speaker 44 A contortionist gave a free show at a pool hall Wednesday night. He raised several dollars among the onlookers.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 44 What?

Speaker 44 That means

Speaker 44 you've lost a bunch of at that contortion.

Speaker 32 It's just like a terrible contortionist. He's like almost touching his toes.
Bet you didn't know that was possible, did you? Give him a dollar and get out of here. Journalistic shade.
Huh?

Speaker 32 Look at that.

Speaker 44 I can scratch the back of my head.

Speaker 32 Look at that. I can put my elbow all the way behind my head.
Huh?

Speaker 32 Now give me four quarters. I'm going to put him on my elbow and catch him.
This guy, he's opening for please.

Speaker 32 He's opening for wagon guy. Wagon guy's like, boy, this guy fucking sucks.
I mean, I'm actually.

Speaker 32 Hold on, this is like a great show. You got the Contortious, you got Weez Lindsay, and then you got some wagons.

Speaker 32 That is a pretty good lineup. Yeah.
I don't hate it.

Speaker 32 Oh.

Speaker 32 Some dogma. You like a dogma with the sometimes Larry.

Speaker 44 That was Larry that got down, and that's Pablo that's now laying on the.

Speaker 44 So Pablo came over and he's like, You want to hang out and sleep together? And Larry was like, Goodbye.

Speaker 32 Sounds like us.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 44 The little ones, many wrinkles are smoothed away by the soft fingers of little children.

Speaker 32 Oh,

Speaker 44 Jeffrey Epstein.

Speaker 32 Oh my god.

Speaker 32 What the fuck?

Speaker 32 What the fuck? That's what I'm saying. That's all I was doing was getting younger.

Speaker 44 Come on down to Creepy Spa.

Speaker 32 What the fuck?

Speaker 44 It's not

Speaker 32 great.

Speaker 32 It's not great. You better have more than that because that is crazy.

Speaker 44 The music of their flute-like voices

Speaker 32 oh my

Speaker 32 god it's not getting better

Speaker 32 oh my god just going down somewhere where kids are working kids are just indentured and they're just rubbing your face and you're like don't stop talking kids it's like a travel brochure for a little st james just make me youthful again

Speaker 44 come on down to dershowitz spa

Speaker 32 if you're just in the lobby and you're like oh look there's a bunch of you could go spelunking hey look at this honey apparently these kids kids will touch you all over to get rid of wrinkles.

Speaker 32 And their voices help, too. I didn't know about this before I booked this vacation.
I swear to God, I didn't

Speaker 32 specifically call about this.

Speaker 32 I might go back for wrinkle treatment again.

Speaker 44 The music of their flute-like voices calms the most turbulent mood and banishes the darkest frown.

Speaker 44 The power of the little ones consists of their

Speaker 44 innocence,

Speaker 32 Which I plan on taking from God.

Speaker 44 This is the worst thing we've ever read on this podcast.

Speaker 32 This is a really bad one. This is like an evil cartoon.
You know, like where, like, we've trapped the kids and we're sucking the innocents out with the magic syringe. Yeah.

Speaker 32 Oh, just usurping innocence through child massages. Just like something like Disney made in like 1982.
Yeah. They were like being bankrupted.

Speaker 44 Who's the billionaire that takes the blood of his field?

Speaker 32 Brian Johnson. Oh, no, that guy.
No, that guy.

Speaker 44 This is like a guy who's early days.

Speaker 32 I'm never going to age. And it's like, dude, nobody wants to fuck you.
Okay. You look like a mannequin.
He does. He looks like the crypt keeper, right? He looked, yeah.

Speaker 32 He's like, I look so young. And it's like, you look like you don't exist with us.
That's what you look like. He's like, it's all carrots and my son's blood.

Speaker 32 You're like, yeah, no, I don't know what your plan is here. Some point go do something.
That might be nice. He's like, I can't.
I have to stay in my chamber. So I never age.
I drank the wrong grail.

Speaker 32 He chose poorly.

Speaker 44 They bear in their hands that lily, the magic might of which gates the brass cannot resist.

Speaker 32 Oh, this is fucking.

Speaker 32 This is like Trump's letter to Epstein.

Speaker 32 Do you know how flowery the language got once it was about

Speaker 32 child

Speaker 32 labor? Let's just say child labor.

Speaker 32 At best. At best.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Jesus Christ. Like, they really had to dress it up.

Speaker 32 They were like, get Yates in here. We really got to make this a little more colorful.
Otherwise, I mean, we know what we're really doing. Otherwise, this is the most evil thing anyone's ever written.

Speaker 32 Oh, my God. A

Speaker 32 tiny.

Speaker 44 That was horrible.

Speaker 32 Marquis sad's over here vomiting so evil

Speaker 32 yarn

Speaker 32 how was the massage it's insane

Speaker 32 it was absolutely insane

Speaker 32 i guess they get four kids to do it instead it was super bad it made me really tense honestly it's really horrible

Speaker 32 i'll say but my crow's feet are gone i mean i look good

Speaker 44 Yeah, I mean, that's good. I look good.

Speaker 32 I just

Speaker 32 have to try to shut out that one kid whispering into my ear, can we trust you?

Speaker 32 But other than that, it was a pretty nice experience.

Speaker 32 I got a funny little bunch of kids say, save me over and over again. That didn't help.
And by the way, I couldn't even pay attention to their pleas because they got these little flute voices.

Speaker 32 Just everything sounded like a song. Please, please.
What am I?

Speaker 32 Seeing a prop comic? Honestly. I mean, it was just like, I just could remember the songs they were singing.
Please, please help free us.

Speaker 32 We're here against our will. They killed our parents so that we'll forever be here, rubbing the heads of adults.
Help, please, don't ignore us. It was just, it was an unbelievable experience.

Speaker 32 Petchy.

Speaker 44 Piscatorial.

Speaker 32 Swear to God, we're about to start with piss, which is a great opening. Piss! Piss! It's good for you! Piss!

Speaker 32 Drink some today. Drink piss.

Speaker 32 I like to imagine Dave's in that room with all the dogs, and he's like just boarded up the door outside and told his wife to leave him be. You stay out of here now, honey.

Speaker 32 The dogs and I live here now. Or it's like a cask of a Montelado type thing.
He's been walled in.

Speaker 32 And he's just podcasting.

Speaker 44 James Henderson, while fishing in the Washita last Friday, landed a big catfish, which furnished eating for a large number of Alex families that evening.

Speaker 32 Crazy.

Speaker 44 Do you want to guess how much it weighed?

Speaker 32 How much the catfish weighed? Oh, wow, inflation.

Speaker 32 I mean, big to feed enough people.

Speaker 32 I'll go

Speaker 32 24 pounds, Andy? 18.

Speaker 44 Of the scales at the meat market, the fish weighed 64.

Speaker 32 Boy, that had to get confusing. 64?

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Holy shit.

Speaker 44 And what were we going to do? That's one of those ones. Yeah, what is it? That's one of the ones you put your fist in and the catfish

Speaker 44 eats around it.

Speaker 32 6,000. You know, the ones.

Speaker 32 Oh,

Speaker 32 that's huge.

Speaker 44 That's crazy.

Speaker 44 The ones you see on the shows where the guys are like grabbing the fish.

Speaker 32 Yeah, where they're, yeah, they're like, yeah. Well, let me introduce you to Grabber.
He'll show you how to catch. And he's like, teeth, I ain't got a lot, but but I'll show you a trick or two.

Speaker 44 Those who are not acquainted with the Wichita may think this is a common, ordinary fish story, but it is not.

Speaker 44 The fish that swims in the wonderful Washita, the farmers who till the soil which it makes fertile, and the towns that grow up on the banks are all waxing fat with prosperity. Mr.

Speaker 44 Henderson thinks there are bigger fish in the Washita that have yet to be caught.

Speaker 44 Man, there's fish in there that are hundreds of years old that deserve to be bare.

Speaker 32 It's like, yeah, it's pretty hard to prove you wrong, I guess. There's fish so big they ain't even been caught.

Speaker 32 And monsters. Monsters you can't see everywhere.
All right, Uncle Greg. Uncle Greg, come on now.
Come on now, Uncle Greg. He's doing the monster rift.
Full of great monster meat. Oh, it's so tasty.

Speaker 32 If only you could see him to capture them. All right, we're going to go inside for a little bit.

Speaker 32 that'd be so great to open a restaurant where you're like we serve monster uh just so you guys know there's a monster on the menu tonight we just killed a fresh monster a couple days ago so we're low on the meat but if you want a little monster chili or something like that don't worry about it do you have a do you have a specific kind of monster or just monster in general this thing uh this week we actually caught a creature from a lagoon Oh.

Speaker 32 Yeah, so he kind of had gills and he was tortured and he was trying to solve something. So we shot him in the head and we've just been making fillets out of him all week.
And I can definitely see it.

Speaker 32 Because last week I came in here, you served me Bigfoot and it was just an empty plate and you said only the right people could see it. Yeah, no, you'll be able to, this will be,

Speaker 32 there, you will get a plate of something. Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 32 Yep, without question.

Speaker 32 Hey, give me two helpings. Yeah, there you go.
You're going to love it. This guy falling off the bone.

Speaker 32 I will point out there has been a bit of controversy over whether or not this was just a man swimming a man swimming with a catfish attached to his head a man with a catfish on his arm all right enjoy

Speaker 44 eight sausage to win wife

Speaker 44 sorry say that again please no actually don't sausage to win wife Is this how Joey Chespa got married?

Speaker 32 Does that even know me that? Oh, eight ATE. Sorry, in my mind.
I swear to God, I thought the number two. I thought, in my mind, this is like the most Dada

Speaker 32 construction for a headline ever.

Speaker 32 It was sausage me wife. It was just like you show up and you're just like, sir, I want your daughter.

Speaker 32 Well, she's not going to come cheap. I want 15 sausage for her.
I'll give you eight.

Speaker 32 Eight.

Speaker 32 Eight would be just for some random. This is a perfect woman.
You're going to need to up it from eight. I'm not.
I should have started lower, shouldn't I have? You should have.

Speaker 32 I mean, I think you know how to negotiate. I don't know if you know how to negotiate.
Have you never

Speaker 32 eighty thousand dollars to buy into your company? We don't, we no, no, sir,

Speaker 32 sir. We're sausage people,

Speaker 32 okay?

Speaker 32 So,

Speaker 32 Dave, you're muted again.

Speaker 44 Okay, sorry, there's a lot going on here with dogs.

Speaker 32 No, he meant your personality is too muted. Yeah,

Speaker 32 we want to see more, Dave. Really swing

Speaker 44 when Heinrich was courting Mary. He had a rival, one John

Speaker 32 This is how America pictured Germans. Yeah.

Speaker 44 The two met one evening at her home and got into a dispute as to their capacity for frankfurters.

Speaker 44 Which happens. Amongst the Germans, this happens.
This is very common.

Speaker 32 They could eat far more Frankfurters than you could. They've got another six years for this to be the stereotype.
Yeah.

Speaker 44 In the demonstration which followed, both ate 47 when Johnson became when Johnson became ill and had to retire

Speaker 44 or de combat.

Speaker 32 There was like a guy named Nathan in the bushes who was like, I've got an idea.

Speaker 44 Johan will act as best man at the wedding.

Speaker 32 I completely forgot that this was any nuptial

Speaker 32 part of this.

Speaker 44 Johan got sick and couldn't eat any more sausages, so Heinrich won.

Speaker 44 And she, being an elegant, wonderful woman, had agreed to this. Whoever eats the most sausages gets my hand in marriage.

Speaker 32 So they're going to figure out who marries me is the way we always do. Whoever can eat the most sausages.
Is there an article about how she feels about this? Oh,

Speaker 32 come on. What the fuck are you doing? Stop.

Speaker 32 Jesus Christ. Come on now.
This is the locker room. We don't care how they feel.
How many sausages to porker?

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 44 How many sausages can she take? You know what I'm talking about right now? Dave.

Speaker 32 Dave, easy.

Speaker 44 How many of you have a lot of people? I want a woman who can take 47

Speaker 44 double penetration, and then there's 47. David, what? David.

Speaker 32 That's Carrotop's pitch. I just know.
Anytime I like a girl, I show up and I'm like, I ate 30 sausages.

Speaker 32 I really,

Speaker 32 I really like you a lot. I'm starting to get the feels.
So I ate another 10 sausages today.

Speaker 44 After the diarrhea subsides, I would like to come back and marry you.

Speaker 32 I'm really, really ill.

Speaker 44 All I taste is like a metallic.

Speaker 32 It's bad.

Speaker 44 I say that because

Speaker 44 I did a Jimmy Dean hot dog commercial, and I had to put like 50 hot dogs in my mouth. And you spit them out, but

Speaker 44 at the end of the day, my... It was just my for three days, my, my mouth tasted metallic.
I was just like, this is awesome.

Speaker 32 I had to do

Speaker 32 Hot Pockets came up with a thing called the Side Shot, where it's like a little bun with like Hot Pocket juice squirted in it. No.
And I did a commercial for those. And I, yeah, same thing.

Speaker 32 Like, had a spit bucket, but I was pounding those things in the commercial. And the next day, I went for a run.
And as I was running, I was like,

Speaker 32 smell. And I smell my cigarette.

Speaker 32 I'm secreting side shots.

Speaker 44 Oh shit. Okay.

Speaker 44 Last one. Woman's secret.

Speaker 32 Every woman. I have feelings.

Speaker 32 Every woman. I don't like it when men eat hot dogs for my affections.

Speaker 32 Honey, there's a captivating article.

Speaker 44 Keep that secret to yourself, woman.

Speaker 32 Lady, stop.

Speaker 44 She's going to upset the entire sausage market.

Speaker 32 Stock market crashed.

Speaker 32 Right.

Speaker 32 1929. It was from the lack of sausage eating.
Yeah. Well, women finally spoke up about how they feel about sausages.
Now we're all going to be poor.

Speaker 32 Great.

Speaker 44 Every woman has a secret that she will not tell her neighbors. If she is of the housekeeping kind of woman,

Speaker 44 it is a secret connected with good bread making or a certain way of testing jelly.

Speaker 32 This is just so unfucking believably horrendous. Quick, let's just go around the horn.
How do you guys test your jelly?

Speaker 32 How about a woman doing?

Speaker 44 I put a sausage in it.

Speaker 32 Oh my God. I genetically engineered a tongue, put the jelly on it, and however the tongue kind of naturally reacts to it.

Speaker 32 Because there's no like other stuff attached to it. There's no like brain attached to the tongue.
You just made it your

Speaker 32 gene engineer stuff. Jellies? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just for jellies. It's a crisper.

Speaker 32 You have a better way of testing jelly? I'd love to hear it. Well, I just,

Speaker 32 I fill my wife with it.

Speaker 32 Now, how do you like this one, Ophelia?

Speaker 32 Take your feelings out of it.

Speaker 44 Or maybe it is a secret whereby she can make coffee that her neighbors despair of equaling.

Speaker 32 I just love how

Speaker 32 like it's almost like women were just shitty Barbie dolls where I was like, you can have jelly tasting or you can have coffee making, but we all know they're gossiping.

Speaker 44 If she is a vain woman, it is a secret of putting on face powder so that it does not show or the secret of making some kind of a lotion that will take off sunburn.

Speaker 44 Don't say that a woman cannot keep a secret.

Speaker 32 Yeah, you definitely do not want to take off your sunburn. I would

Speaker 32 like

Speaker 32 if there was one thing I know about 1908, it's that melanoma was in style. Keep it.
Keep it. Keep it.
Put the butter on. Go stand in the hot sun for a little while.
You want that pink color.

Speaker 44 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 32 Did my skin look like a brown recluse has been biting it for the last year?

Speaker 32 I don't know.

Speaker 32 That's such a bizarre.

Speaker 32 I feel empty after the end. And it wasn't feeling good before it.

Speaker 32 Can I ask a When do newspapers stop with the moralizing?

Speaker 32 Because every time I listen to an episode of this, and it's before a certain date, but I don't know what that date is, it's always like the moralizing tone in every article of like, this piece of shit lost all his whiskey, and now we're going to throw him in jail.

Speaker 32 Yeah,

Speaker 32 David, you know better than me.

Speaker 44 I think it was, I think it was like the 70s,

Speaker 44 but I think

Speaker 44 at that point, they just put it in the hands of like ask,

Speaker 44 whatever. So it switched, and then you could, and then you could do it in there, like write

Speaker 44 fake letters and then respond.

Speaker 32 They were like, here you go, you could be a real piece of shit here.

Speaker 32 So, like, post-Watergate. They're like, I guess we got to take this seriously.
Yeah.

Speaker 32 Dave's hated again.

Speaker 32 Well, Andy, sweet Andy Beckerman, thank you for joining us. A real pleasure.

Speaker 32 Couples therapy.

Speaker 32 Beginnings. True, both.

Speaker 32 And you're only wearing shirts that says Jews now, which is, we love that. The government has mandated it.
They sent me a little star of David, a yellow one I have to put on my jacket. Like, what?

Speaker 32 I got more than, I got, I don't have more than one jacket. I do.
They got to send me more. Yellow stars of David.
I got three jackets. I just keep changing it.

Speaker 32 Just keep, first of all, stop wearing so many things, and we'll give you one star. We don't have enough stars.
The economy is the economy. We don't have this big star budget, okay?

Speaker 32 We're not a hidden cave with an Ann Hathaway in it, okay?

Speaker 32 All right, everybody, this was the pastimes. Thank you.

Speaker 32 Some of these days,

Speaker 2 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 2 Some of these days.

Speaker 50 What's up, doll heads? Join the Gear Force. Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

Speaker 50 That's right, I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Two shows, a 7:15 and a 9:30.

Speaker 50 But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th, Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September 16th.

Speaker 50 Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th. And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.
on September 21st.

Speaker 50 I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th, Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th, Columbia, Missouri, September 28th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th, Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st, Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd, two shows.

Speaker 50 And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows. And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at RoosterTeethfeathers.

Speaker 50 Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Speaker 32 Join me.

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