137 - The Past Times with Nato Green

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great NATO Green.

Hello, NATO.

Hello, gentlemen.

Good to see you.

How are you?

That you just joined us for a live show that has not been released yet.

I know.

I'm waiting to send it to my children.

I invited my children to come to the live show, and they were like, no, we'll just listen to the podcast.

Thank you.

We should put it behind a paywall for them specifically.

NATO, you're a great stand-up.

Where can people find where you're going to be or any shows?

Yeah,

I'm trying to put together what will be my third album of political comedy.

So if people want some good, you know,

the kind of of comedy that you want to listen to right after you get tear gassed by ice agents,

I'm on tour

July 20th, D.C.

Arts Center, August 3rd, Philadelphia Punchline, August 24th, Sacramento Punchline, August 28th, Comedy Fort and Fort Collins,

August 30th, Denver Grawlicks Theater.

September 13th, Portland Siren Theater.

August 2nd, Mike Drop Comedy in San Diego.

Are you doing that all off the top of your head?

I'm sorry.

October 2nd, Mike Drop Comedy in San Diego.

Yes, all off the top of my head.

It's impressive.

Well, he's a little bit better than you, Gareth.

You know what I'm saying?

No, I can't even get it right on my website.

Seriously, you know, Gareth, I cannot manage being a successful comedian.

I can manage memory tricks.

Good for you.

That's something.

That's half the battle.

What did you just hold up, Dave?

So

when I got back from the gig we all did together,

I had this really long

printed letter and a typed note with it.

And it's a guy's big pitch

for an episode on a guy named Jack London.

That's fucking hilarious.

Well, spoilers.

Whoops.

Well,

anyway, I'm on tour.

Look it up at Mr.Nado Green on Instagram.

Okay, great.

All the details will be there.

And, Mr.,

you go with the formal.

You're not casual with the fans.

Well,

there is a NATO green on Instagram who is not me because he's like a strapping young man who does a lot of like outdoors activities in the Australian Outback.

So I like to check at his

sunset vistas.

Kill him.

Go find him.

He's hosting where he is.

He's probably dropping pins.

He sounds like he's having a nice life down there.

What a great post for you to find him and live stream a killing.

I'm going live while I'm murdering my Doppler gang.

Yeah, and he murders you.

Oh, no.

Well, NATO, what we're going to do is we're going to take a wild ride through an old newspaper.

You should lose, let's everybody lose a layer.

And

how we like to start is: you're going to try to guess what year this newspaper will be from with no context.

I'll follow that up with a guess, and you'll win because Dave's, you know, seems normal when you look at him, but inside of his head, it's a haunted house of total nightmares.

So

you're free to guess any year, NATO, whatever you think.

Well,

because, as you know, I'm a labor guy, I think the year that I'm going to guess is 1877,

the year of the nationwide rail strikes.

Really good guess.

I'm going to guess 1877.

NATO wins because it is 1893.

How does he win?

Because

you can't do that.

You forfeited.

You forfeited what?

You forfeited.

You're 100% forfeited.

I will beat you.

I will beat you.

It's crazy to watch.

It's just supposed to be a fun little warm-up for the guests and for the people who listen to the show.

And now it's just people hearing you try to cheat.

Because you forced this.

You forced my hand.

Look, there's rules.

And one of the rules is you can't guess what's just been guessed.

Wait a minute.

I'm not sure there are rules.

Wait, let's not.

He's not.

He's kidding.

Mr.

Nato Green, do you say that?

Thank you.

Dr.

Nato Green is my father.

Yeah.

It is the White Oaks Eagle from White Oaks, New Mexico, July 6th, 1893.

Now, I have never heard of White Oaks.

I've spent a lot of time in New Mexico.

And have you heard of it?

White Oaks?

Never.

My wife is from New Mexico, so I've been going to Mexico for 30 years and have never heard of White Oaks.

Oh, it looks like it's just a

gold town.

So that's what this is going to be.

This will be all

specter updates.

It does not appear to be a city anymore.

Oh, wait.

Old commercial building in White Oaks.

But there's no like, if you go to

Wikipedia, there's no like population number that they usually have up there.

So I'm assuming nobody lives there.

So this could potentially just be one guy writing a paper for himself, A Descent into Madness.

It is a ghost town.

It is officially a ghost town.

Okay.

Okay.

There we go.

So it's a dead place.

All right.

Like America.

A New Jersey Enoch Arden.

Is that his name, Enoch Arden?

How are you spelling Enoch?

E-N-O-C-H.

Okay.

That seems like, that's like biblical, right?

Yeah, it's biblical.

It's like a.

I was hoping it was Eunuch.

Well,

that's a thing.

Yeah, it's a patriarch prior to Noah's flood.

Okay.

Enoch is the biblical figure in patriarch.

So it's just a guy named Enoch, I'm assuming.

Okay.

Enoch Arden has invoked the age of the.

You could bring that back, though.

You could just

like.

Imagine you could have a kid just so that you could name him Eunuch.

Yeah.

I like it.

I definitely like it.

And by the way, I don't just name a kid and not follow through.

So

I'm going to ask the Moyle for a little extra.

Keep going.

You could further.

You could also get it.

All the way.

Digging.

Oh, God.

Take out the digger.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

Can I tell you?

So

I knew a guy growing up, and the circumcision didn't take when he was born.

What?

According to Jewish law, it doesn't count as a circumcision unless i guess there's blood and so like when he was in middle school his parents brought him back to the moil just to get stabbed in the dick

just because it didn't bleed just to bleed just just to bleed it out so it was cut but the blood had not runneth so he needed to get a bloody one yeah he needs to get a bloody that is so fucking crazy It's time to, hey,

Timmy, it's time to get your dick cut.

I thought I already did.

We're taking you out of school early.

That I like.

It's like, by the way, if you had pitched that to me when I was a kid, like six days off, but your dick has to get cut, I'd have been like, I don't hate the pitch.

There's a lot I like.

It's not dead on arrival.

It's not DOA.

I'm still here, aren't I?

Okay, 1893.

Okay, so.

New Jersey Enoch Arden has invoked the aid of the courts to regain possession of the wife he deserted 12 years ago.

Regain possession.

So

it's a weird way to put it.

Possession.

He left and wants her back.

He would like to get to get ownership back of his wife.

Yeah.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, as they say.

And marriage.

And marriage.

Wow.

And who, during his absence, married another man.

Well, that is.

Now that's cheating.

Now that's ridiculous.

You got to wait 15 years.

Good lord.

Can't a man pause a movie without it going away?

How human?

When he had her, he didn't want her.

And when he couldn't get her, he wanted her.

This is classic me.

So they're talking a little shit there.

They're taking a dig.

That's a prospecting town.

That's the whole story.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it.

That's the whole story.

Well, that's it.

So he went to the judge.

I assume he was like, can I have her?

Is she in a different place?

Do we think?

Emotionally.

I know.

Yeah, no, she's probably in the same place because it sounds like he left.

He's so awkward if you're the new husband.

So

I saw Ted today.

Oh, God.

He's back in town.

Well, yeah.

Jesus.

Do you even talk to him?

I had to.

He's trying to repossess me.

What?

Here's your caller, woman.

Can I repo my wife?

Is that

this is horribly awkward, but I'll have her back now.

My flag was in her sands first.

I can't find anyone else to churn my butter.

Believe me, I've looked.

She's terrible, but there's only worse.

Virginia has turned out the best summer advertisement of the season.

Can't wait in the alleged discovery of natural ice.

What?

What the fuck?

What?

Was that even...

This is

before refrigerators.

They were like, wait a minute.

If it gets cold enough,

we discovered ice.

It really makes it sound like they were like, this is water

the whole time.

I know.

I don't.

I think there's ice.

They just found a bunch of ice and that was a big deal.

I think they're saying, yeah, that, okay, it's July.

so they're saying that there's still ice around in July.

I'm not buying it.

It's a lie to get people to go there.

Virginia?

Yeah, it would have to be in a cave, wouldn't it, to stay

ice that long?

It's not a river.

And

why is that in a newspaper in New Mexico?

Because they're hot and they want to go places.

Are they commending the advertisement?

Yes.

So they're going, like, boy, we got a bunch of suckers.

Idiots.

He went to Virginia for ice.

I mean, by the way, the beauty of America is now ice is everywhere.

And it's coming to take us.

Who wouldn't be anxious to spend a few weeks in the vicinity of such a cooling curiosity?

Wow.

So I guess that's what I think we were otters.

That's the vacation.

It's the summer vacation.

Dad, what are we doing this summer?

We're going to go just sit near ice.

What if I do anything with it?

No, no, we're just going to sit next to it.

And honestly, it's probably not even real.

We're going to Virginia.

Yeah, then you roll in, and the guy at the hotel is like, well, there it is.

And you're like, that's water.

And he's like, well, it was.

Wait long enough.

It will be.

Yes, let me tell you the history of that puddle.

Dad, shut up.

The canals of the country will experience a boom if the project of propelling canal boats by the trolley electric system can be successfully worked, and it is believed it can be.

They're talking about electric canals because I'm seeing an issue.

They're talking about electric boats on canals.

Everyone died again.

What is it with plugging in this water system?

How,

how, I guess that they would, I guess that

the trolley pulling part would be on the land land next to the canal.

I don't love it

Remember this is a time when you'd get you'd guys on the shore would pull the the boat through a canal with ropes on the side NATO.

I love how he says to me remember this is a time like I have it's oh oh this is still back when they pulled it it's it's good

many times Gareth you know how all the back in the always with the canals and the pulling and the boat

didn't start till 1898

before that Before that, they had to push the boats up the canals.

Ah, that I remember.

And the mariners kept throwing their backs out.

They all had slip discs because of all the pushing.

And they were like, guys, wait a minute.

We could pull.

Push with your backs, not with your legs.

NATO remembers.

Yeah.

I was an active

Canal Stevedor.

in the 1890s.

That was when your first album came out.

Yeah.

That was the name of his first album.

Yeah.

Canal Stevedor.

Yeah.

It's a great name.

It was released exclusively on purple daguerreotype.

Which turned into 800-pound gorilla, if I'm not mistaken.

Yeah,

I don't love the idea.

Water electric.

Ice, ice, that's the headline.

They could go today also

the same.

Leave orders with Stewart for ice.

He has purchased all the ice put up by the W.O.

Spriggs Ice Company.

Wow.

So he's monopolized the ice in town.

Ice Monopoly.

And now they're like...

I saw that documentary, Ice Pirates.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Same, this is it.

Well, that, so this guy's a fucking asshole.

He bought all the ice.

But it's very funny to be buying ice when there's not really anywhere to hoard it, right?

Well, I think, as I recall from an episode we did about this, this, I think all the ice is together in blocks

to keep it from melting as

crypto, and then you sell it.

That's why I have the big square cubes for my cocktails.

That's right.

Right, they melt, yeah, but still, it will melt.

It will melt, but you have it for a little while.

You can put your face on it.

You really gotta, but you just wait until that starts melting before you make a bid, and you're like, I'll give you a dollar for a big block.

Yeah!

Yeah, you put it in the ice house.

Okay, but is this person?

I still don't understand if this is the person buying the ice in Virginia or is he in New Mexico?

I think he's in town here, and he bought the ice that was for sale in the area, and now

he's hoarding ice.

He's an ice hoarder.

He's an ice hoarder.

And so he's going to sell it to the locals.

He's a dick.

Yeah.

It's capitalism.

Sure.

We're all against it.

We're against it.

Well,

I just, I don't know what we'd replace it with, Dave.

Right.

That's right.

There's no better system.

We've tried everything.

Yeah.

We've exhausted the other ones.

Star of the South, go to Velasco for health, sea air, and comfort, where ships too deep for all the other Texas ports sail in and out with ease.

Where fruits ripen earlier and pay better than in California, where the soil is a natural hot bed.

Where?

Valesco.

Winter.

I love, I mean, it is like

it's a weird thing about New Mexico that like there's all of this history about like someone being sickly in somewhat in a more humid

part of the country and being like, you should go to New Mexico

for its healing purposes because it'll dry you out.

Like there's all the All these

people

going to the desert for health reasons because it's.

It's a dry heat.

It's a dry heat.

And I guess it'll deal with your malaria or whatever the fuck.

Is there any connection to that being true?

Maybe, right?

Who knows?

But I mean, it's just, it's

such a primitive medical science to me of like, oh, oh, you're very sick?

No, no, we're not going to treat you.

Just go stand over there.

Well, also, it would be so, if I was in New Mexico, I'd be like, we need to build a wall because they are sending their sick.

Just put every sick person like,

and if I lay down, they send people off on us.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd be like, no.

I never really thought about that, but that's telling what happened in those places.

Just sick people came.

I would really be like, we got to move.

This is bad.

Isn't that part of like, like, wasn't that part of Oppenheimer going to New Mexico?

Was like, I just, I want to build

and breathe the fresh air.

Yeah.

Imagine now coming to America to be like, oh, wow.

So that fresh air, where is that fresh air at?

Does that exist anywhere?

Not anymore.

We got rid of it.

Fresh vegetables all winter.

Coldest day in three years is 25 degrees above zero.

Warmest day, 92 degrees.

That's not, that doesn't apply anymore.

That's so good.

Velesco offers the best investments in the south.

Well, there you go.

92 degrees being your cap for New Mexico.

That's pretty amazing.

I love the VC guy being like,

get in early on the ripe fruit.

Yeah.

There's a lot of upside on the

ripe fruit market.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if I can put a picture in chat.

Can I?

I don't know if you guys should see this.

It's a stand-up bathtub.

What?

Well, it's a folding.

Is it a shower?

It's a folding.

No, don't you dare come.

It's like a shark take idea that gets passed on.

I think that's just a bath.

That's a shower.

So it's a folding stand-up bathtub.

So it's a bathtub.

It's like a Murphy tub?

Yeah, it's a Murphy tub.

That's exactly what it is.

They haven't figured out that water flows down.

Guys, we just learned that ice, the water freezes as ice.

And also, I keep closing my Murphy tub and it spills water all over.

It's everywhere.

Filthy water.

The new Murphy tub.

Murphy bed.

Whoever came up Murphy from the Murphy bed was like, I need a follow-up hit.

The Murphy tub.

The Murphy toilet.

After a day of wrangling horses or whatever I did and mining, panning for gold, I got into my Murphy tub to soak off all of my filth and scum

and then just spilled filth water all over my house.

These walls are just rotting.

This whole wall needs to come down for some reason.

Look, I think the tub I bought from you is broken because every time I fold it up, the house just floods.

That's not a tub issue.

No, the Murphy tub works great.

You just put it into your wall and that's the bath's over.

Maybe you're not closing it fast enough.

If you close it up, you got to watch it up.

You got to watch it up.

I really try at all speeds.

I got to be honest.

This is going on.

If you're trying to really jam it, you've got to to jam it up.

Yeah, I really jam it up.

I mean, it's hard because it's full, but yeah, I do.

No, no, it's supposed to be full.

You want it full.

That's a huge component of the Murphy tub.

You have to save the water.

Water is too scarce out here.

I know.

I know.

You can't waste the water by spilling it.

Let me ask you this.

Have you drank the water when done bathing before putting it up there?

Because that has actually worked for a lot of our customers.

Oh, it's very dirty water.

So, no, it's full of my filth.

It's like a couple weeks.

I mean, I'm out for a couple weeks digging, and it's pretty.

You had to use a chisel in the bath.

Yeah, it's bad.

It's bad.

I've even tried to put an ice block in there, but again.

All new Murphy tub.

The house of the future.

The ad answers all the questions.

What is this?

A combination folding bathtub with heater attached?

It sounds so dangerous for 1893.

Super dangerous.

A hot tub

that you put into your wall.

Where can it be put?

In any apartment of your house.

Okay.

Sure.

That must mean compartment, I guess.

It says apartment.

It must be.

Yeah.

Yeah, but they

must mean like.

Yeah.

What does it represent?

A handsome piece of furniture.

I do, like,

I remember my mother, who is, when I say this, sounds like she's from the 1800s, but she would tell me, like, her aunt had the bathtub in her kitchen.

Like, so I do understand the idea that you were just like, yeah, I want to like have the space.

But

it feels like the tech isn't ready yet.

I did see that a lot in New York when I was there.

People had the tubs and just living room tubs, kitchen tubs.

Yeah.

Were they like tenements?

No, but they had like converted the building and not a great way.

And yeah, well, that's one of the things, Mom Donny.

It's like, dude, you're not like, he's trying to get tubs and bathrooms.

It's just like disgusting.

What is it used for to wash yourself in?

When?

At least once a week.

How?

With soap and water.

Does it say that?

Yes.

Once a week is also horrifying.

People are like, that's pretty regular.

And it's called the Folding Bathtub Company.

I'm going to look it up and see.

Spoiler, they don't exist anymore.

They might be the people who came up with the walk-in tub technology, though, which has always been my favorite style of bath.

A car fucked a tub.

Like a bathtub with a sliding door.

Well, they've got the like hand, like it's like for seniors, but it's like you open the side of your tub and then you get in and then you fill it, which is just its own strange experience to sit there naked waiting for the water to hit you.

You know, it's like, it's like demolition, man.

I mean, okay, it was a thing in the 19th century.

In the late 1800s, the Muslim food.

There are so many plumbing questions.

The Muslim folding bathtub company in Chicago introduced a product that could turn any room into a bathroom.

The closet-folding bathtub.

I mean, Dave, Dave, any room is a bathroom if you shoot in it.

That's a really good point.

It also had a built-in mirror on one side for added

primping value.

Pimping,

pimping would be totally different.

Your voice is $150 now.

Yeah, I mean, I guess.

And then another company made, another company made their own folding bathtub.

Oh, so this one has

a water tank.

So when you fold it up, there's a water tank, and then the tub just goes around the water tank.

So that's how you get the heat.

But the draining, look, I don't want to get caught up in it.

The draining part is not good.

The draining part is really good.

Because there's no pipe that is going to.

It's not like the pipe is on some sort of weird pulley.

I'm imagining, like,

do you remember

there, like, there's, you know,

like there, sometimes there's like a new thing that comes out, and then you go to people's house and they want to show you that they have the new thing.

Yeah.

I imagine people visiting other people's homes in White Oaks in 1893 and being like, Let me show you my new folding tub.

Yeah.

And I'd be like, oh, can I get in it right now?

Yeah.

Everybody take a dip.

Deacon, have some decency.

Hello.

Look at this mirror.

Mind if I spread my cheeks?

Deepen.

I've never seen that part of me before.

It's the only part I've always wondered what it looked like.

I do have a taint after all.

Whoa, that's dark.

And it's wet.

Oh, my lord.

It's like someone folded a tub up there.

My white oak is white and oaky.

Oh, boy.

Grace, get over here.

There is never going to be an answer for me on where the water goes.

It's just, they are, in my opinion, water is sloshing in a wall bog.

After the bath, the water was drained into a basin that then had to be emptied.

So that's problematic also, though, because you still have to.

Yeah, it's just extra steps.

It sounds like you're, it sounds like you're, but I would think that would be a problem with all bathtubs unless they were connected to pipes I agree yeah

a company called I do like I do like that develop like I've been in I like

that quality those bathrooms like I've seen been in them in Europe where it's like it's all tile and there's no stall and there's just a drain yeah like I think that's fun I do I do too yeah I like that

a company called Brush and Rick introduced a similar creation of combination

sorry Nina what was that that got really weird something at the end there

you sounded you sounded like a guy whose kids left the house i gotta be honest the deacon shit in the tub you say crazy shit did the deacon crap in our folding tub

um sure did the combin

brush and rick introduced the combination sofa and bathtub sofa bathtub

What are you talking about?

Sadly, reports of sofas catching on fire and people getting burned while bathing made it a short-lived product.

What?

Guys.

What?

Everybody get in.

We're inventing the microwave bathtub.

Have you ever couch showered?

They also.

How did your house burn down?

Well, we bought the sofa bath.

The guy had not figured out a bunch of the stuff.

It didn't work.

It didn't work.

it caught fire that one time

we had a bunch of people over guys

it's time for the horse bath it's a horse with a bath that's in it you can ride to town in a tub the way a king would

the horse caught on fire how

The Mosley Folding Company referenced folding beds in their ads in a way to...

The Mostley Folding Company is so fucking funny.

Mosley.

Mosley.

Oh, I think I said mostly.

Oh, damn it.

Still, the idea that they're like, wait, put it back in the wall, guys.

Charles Hess obtained a patent for an improved combined piano, couch, and bureau.

What?

The actual

fuck.

People are just trying to figure out different ways to fold shit up.

What?

The piano.

So it did not, it did not last very long, but for a short time just sitting in a room.

What if the piano was a couch and a bath?

But honey, come to bed.

Hold on.

But we're all laughing at this one.

What if I could fold this barbecue?

What if this barbecue house was also a wife?

Honey,

come to bed.

No, hold on.

You cook on your wife's griddle, but it's also a mattress bath.

I'm in possession of my wife.

Where's your wife?

Well, she's in the wall.

I just bathed in her.

Wait, what?

Which, do you mean the wife that's part toilet, or do you mean the wife that's part wall?

I only have the toilet wife.

I turned my wife into a toilet bath couch.

She lives in the wall.

You're thinking of Jeff down the lane.

His wife is a combination

barbecue.

His wife's a barbecue

bench bath stove.

She tried to leave him, but she just can't.

She doesn't have a leg to stand on because she's attached to the wall.

I thought she had four legs to stand on.

No, two of them are because the wall is sort of load-bearing.

Let me ask my wife.

You got one of those load-bearing wives?

Yeah, I have a load-bearing wife who's a toilet.

Here, let me, I'll take her out of the wall, see what she says.

Hi, boys.

Anyone for soup?

She's also a cauldron.

So there are still a number of companies that offer modern folding bathtubs made of plastic and rubber today.

Oh, my God.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't hate it.

I don't hate it either.

It's not so.

It makes sense in today's world where they're just squeezing us.

Yeah, it's one of those, like, yeah, you could see like Japan being big into like the folding bath walls or something.

Like, if they did it, I'd be like, I'm listening.

If it was in America, I'd be like, this is going to give you black mold.

It's really weird.

Okay.

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Practical patriotism.

No boy.

Here we go.

There is a crowd around the Hotel Stove in the country town.

Hotel stove?

Hotel stove.

It folds into the wall.

For the night was cold, and half the businessmen of the place had collected to hear

the news and listen to the drummers tell stories.

Okay, so it's a weird time, and no one's having fun.

Worst member of the band to be chatting to.

Pretty soon, one man got the bits in his teeth and began doing the bulk of the talking.

Gentlemen,

after several bursts of patriotic oratory, every man and woman who is a true American loves the good old flag as the emblem of what is best in government.

Oh, God.

The principles for which it stands cannot be too early instilled in the minds and hearts of newcomers on the field of action.

Be they youths of our own blood or men of other lands come newly to the shores.

That flag should ever wave in sight of Americans where it can be found a more appropriate and better place than right here in your beautiful town.

And everyone erupted into cheers, as you would expect, because Americans are easy to get feverish about the flag.

Who is he?

A man leaning in inquired.

He must be a member of Congress.

No, responded the clerk, toying with the register.

He's in New York.

Toying with the register.

i'm gonna i'm just gonna finger the cash register real quick

trying to pleasure the cash register

it's a very sexy cash register

dave's frozen face right now is unreal like it um he's a new york uh dummy drummies drummies or

i can't read the word representing a flag factory in that town and the crowd caught on and abased the drummer up the stairs to his room.

So they realized he wasn't enjoying the patriots of America, but he was selling flags, which is in itself a way to celebrate America.

It's so weird

that that culture has lasted as long as it has in this.

Like, it is really amazing that just

to live in a country where you just are always like, how great are we?

While everything's falling apart,

name a better place.

I feel like the countries that do that actually really suck.

Their whole business model is predicated on just bluster.

Yeah.

It's like if you've only went and saw one band and then you stood around in the parking lot talking about how great the band is.

Like, and you've only ever heard one band.

You're like, man.

I can do that.

I can do that with Weezer.

How good is Rush?

Well, that's another one I could do it with.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See?

Yeah.

Rush fans.

Yeah.

All right.

I believe that one be.

We are the priests of the temple

of Sirix.

And they were.

And they were.

I'd vote for PERT.

When I was in...

a freshman year in high school,

we were taking a short story writing class.

And

near the end of the year for like our final, final, the guy's like, okay, you got to write a short story and then read it in front of the class.

And so, our buddy just took the lyrics to that song and went up and read them.

And we were all dying laughing.

And then we all got like C's and he got an A.

Yeah, that's huge.

You're really writing some deep stuff over there.

The thing, so, like, like I,

when I was deep into my rush phase, which was in high school, like, the, like, the thing that people said about

the highest quality, the best, the highest praise you can give to a band, the thing I always said about Rush was like, oh, they're so tight.

They're the tightest band.

That was the most important thing about a band was to be as tight as possible.

Tight.

They're just tight.

They're tight.

I mean, they were.

They were very tight.

They were tight.

There was some looseness in some of it, but for the most part, quite.

And then at some point, I got into the punk band No Means No, literally because someone was like,

they're tight.

They're a punk band, but they're super tight.

I was like, okay, then I'm going to get it out.

They're tight.

I love a tight band.

If I'm listening to something and it's not tight, I just can't stand it.

I can't.

They need to ratchet up.

This is just horrendous.

If you were in a bar and someone started giving a speech about the American flag,

what would you do?

I would do what we all basically do, which is just be like, it's like how you feel during the national anthem, where you're just like,

Jesus Christ, let's get this over with.

What would you do?

I would ask follow-up questions.

Okay, so you'd be like, sorry.

Excuse me.

I'm completely that guy.

I'd be like,

what was the line he said?

The flag and what it represents about our system of government.

Yeah.

I would go,

What does it represent about our system of government?

Tell me about it.

That's so good.

That's such a good follow-up.

Wait, I have a question.

Excuse me.

I would really like, I would fully columbo it.

I was like, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to interrupt.

I'm about to leave.

I don't mean to bother you.

But if you don't, I'm just a little bit confused.

One more thing.

One more thing, if you would.

What is our system of government uh

awesome yeah

i think that whenever i see uh

like the truck with the flag in the bed

where i'm just like oh my god

like why it really is such a way of letting them get away with so much shit Like, we should just start driving around with like Danish flags just to be like, yeah, we need to step it up here.

We need some more socialism.

Right.

Not, not, like, not full, full flag, like, not, we're not full communism, like, not Cuban flags.

Yeah, yeah, like, unless things improve, then we're going Cuban.

Yeah, but some, some Danish flags.

Yes, we just want some light socialism.

Yes, yes.

Just a tint.

Um,

all right, this one's just a blurb.

The office celebrated the fourth at Nogol.

Enough said.

not a lot got said um

they're just saying that's where they did it they celebrated america they went to nogle what's now now i gotta look up nogle

no no

no uh

is that a bar it's a census dec designated place

it's a unincorporated community in Lincoln County.

Population was 96 as of 2010.

So that's not a lot.

Wow.

The census, the census is even like, I guess you're a city.

Yeah, I mean, I think these are just all places that popped up and they were big mining towns and then they went away because then all the stuff from the ground was gone.

That's a better name for America.

The stuff in the ground was gone?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All the stuff in the ground was gone.

I'm mapping the distance from White Oaks to Nogal.

Of course.

That's a first for one of our guests, NATO.

NATO's mapping.

To do some Google Maps.

What do we want?

I'm quickly realizing that Google Maps doesn't have the option of mapping the distance by

if you're traveling by horse.

Oh, right.

Right, right, right.

And it would be so great for there to be this horse option.

How long by a horse?

They should have that.

Yeah.

How long by skateboard?

How long by a horse with tub?

A tub of horse.

It's an eight and a half hour walk.

But that's using the roads, right?

It doesn't give you the walk on like paths or anything, like a path through.

Great to be like, what's the horse path?

What's the way as the crow flies?

So what do you think?

You think a walk is like a horse would like cut that by a third?

I would think at least.

Two-thirds?

Two-thirds?

Two-thirds, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The depression in silver, the failing banks, the financial crisis, the continued droughts, the scarcity of Anheuser and

Hauser shade and benches are cogent reasons, but failed to explain satisfactorily why no watermelons were on tap at Nogel's celebration.

Not sure.

They hadn't gone to Velasco for the ripe fruit.

Not sure that.

No, look, if I chose Nogele,

if I'm going to Nogel, if I'm making the

two and a half-hour trip,

there better be melons.

I agree.

Why else am I going to Nogel?

Oh, God.

It's just

that distance for for a melon.

And then there's none.

None.

Brutal.

Took me three days.

For the 4th of July, no less.

Yeah.

How am I supposed to celebrate American independence without a melon?

Hey, how good is this country, though?

It's awesome for sure.

July 4th.

A beautiful morning, but the town seems deserted as most of our boys left for Nogel.

And if it were not for Mr.

Emilio, whose miniature man of war, which is blazing with versi-colored flags and the discharge of a few firecrackers here and there, we should hardly know that this is the greatest day of the American nation.

And they say that

I think that says Italians.

And they say that Italians do not make good patriotic citizens.

Exclamation point.

I do say that.

At least one thing held true.

Italians don't know how to do American patriotism.

I mean, look at them.

Honestly.

Okay, well, you should have gone to Nogel then instead of writing an article in the paper about how bummed you are.

Just go.

Yeah.

Monday afternoon while on a bender, Deffy Wallace.

Deffy Wallace.

That's a nickname.

I like it.

Deffy Wallace got in an altercation with colonel fisk deffy came out of the mus with a knife cut was it a difficult

hello

jesus christ it's got a knife remember me

i just put him in my wall toilet

deffy came out of the mus with a knife cut over his eye and the colonel will have to appear before the next session of the district court he gave bond for 250 dollars okay All right, so it's a little fight.

Yeah, he cut a man named Duffy, and he's got a fine.

Did Deffy get cut or was he the cutter?

Deffy got cut over the eye.

The colonel cut him.

Why did the colonel cut him?

It doesn't say.

We played Clue.

But Deffy was on a bender.

Deffy was on a bender.

You know how Deffy gets.

He does some shit when he's on a bender.

Hey, he was on one so long he defeated logic.

That's right.

Oh, this is interesting.

Brown and Ubrick are now carrying a stock of the finest quality of ice that nature has provided.

Wow.

Ice such a player.

Again, with the ice.

Yeah.

I get it, sort of, but it's really

such a short-term solution.

I mean, if you're hot all the time and then somebody goes in with ice, like, I get it.

Yeah, and your meat is going to last, I don't know, another seven days stop

it comes from the clear pure waters of the bonito which is sufficient recommendation of its excellence

okay well the bonito ice is that like a

something

it's a mussolini ice

well this is uh okay black buck hunting in india The black buck of India is a...

This is going to get weird, I'm sure.

I'm nervous.

I've got that, what do we call it?

Racism gut?

You know, where it's not to take a term?

Racism a common.

It's called the term turn.

Uh-huh.

It's a very graceful animal weighing between 30 and 50 pounds.

The hide of the male when full grown is of inky blackness on the back, while the belly is as white as snow.

The contrast is very striking.

The horns are black and spinal in shape and the length average about 18 inches, although they have been known to reach 26 inches.

They're usually found in herds and are difficult to approach on foot.

That's weird.

Most animals would be like, hi.

Hello.

Come on.

Did you bring your gun thing?

Yeah.

As the bucks toss their heads into the air from time to time in a very graceful manner, and some of them

are almost sure to detect any attempt at stalking.

They are at times hunted on horseback, but the usual method, I love how they describe the beautiful animal, and they're like, and here's how we kill it.

Here's how to kill it.

You can't appreciate the beauty of something unless you murder it.

That's right.

Back to possessing my wife.

But the usual method in many sections

is to use a conveyance very much like the back of a horse, only shorter and made of wood.

Okay.

So

this is an advertisement to go to India to hunt.

No, this is just an article about how great the hunting is in India.

About how hunting this one animal is.

How great it is.

But it took a turn because now the horses are made of wood.

So it's not normal anymore.

I haven't found

for a while.

When I was in college, I got

a research grant and spent a week in the archives at UC Berkeley reading San Francisco newspapers from the 1870s.

Wow.

And

before like the 24-hour news cycle, and even, you know, before,

like, when you correspondents would have to mail the thing back, and so there wasn't the expectation that, like, here's today's news.

Right.

You know, the newspapers are just filled with like

dispatches from my time among the yellow Chinese.

You know,

like, someone goes somewhere and then they send a letter and then the whole thing gets printed in the paper.

Right.

So some guy went black buck hunting.

Yeah.

Very early on, I discovered that some papers were using the double E

when they printed up stories.

And then they would just use it throughout the story.

So it would just be Chinese, and you'd be like, you didn't really have to do that.

Yeah.

You really didn't have to do that.

We're trying to expand our racist terms.

Okay, so

it's on wheels, is drawn by bullocks, and is called a jungle cart.

But I don't know why you wouldn't just want to be on a horse.

It seems like it'd be worse to be on a cart.

A jungle cart?

Probably.

It is very incredibly nimble when you're at navigating the jungle.

Yeah.

It's very close to the ground.

And from both sides, project.

That's the difference.

You got a little, it's like a low, it's like a low stage.

You're like laying on it.

He's sled.

I don't know how it's getting pulled.

They're sledding.

They're sledding.

Yeah, they're sledding.

And from both sides, project flat pieces of wood upon which the feet rest.

The inside is hollow and holds ammunition and lunch.

Well, the inside.

Jesus Christ.

Whoops.

I reached down to get my sandwich and accidentally ate bullets.

So you're kind of, it feels like you're skateboarding on a kitchen.

That's the worst.

A shooting, a a shooting kitchen.

A fire kitchen.

It is believed that they take the queer little wooden arrangement on wheels for a plow and consequently are not much alarmed as it draws near them in ever-decreasing circles.

The bullocks move at the word of command and are accompanied by a shikery or native hunter, and the bucks never seem to fear the inhabitants, doubtless having learned they are without guns and are not to be dreaded.

Oh, so the

local natives are friendly with these animals, and now they're bringing in white guys to shoot them.

Right.

So the animals are like, you can trust him.

I know it's strange that he's on a kite board

eating a sandwich.

Eating a sandwich with a functioning kitchen behind him.

Just out here luging through the jungle.

Yeah, just having a luge hunt.

With a snack buffet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just some jungle funions.

It may now fairly be assumed that Mayor Carter Harrison has entered the presidential field.

He has begun to kiss the schoolgirls who visit the World's Fair.

Well, this guy will get elected.

He's checking one box.

All tongue.

What's my campaign strategy?

Step one,

statutory rape.

Step two.

Kissing young girls.

Future voters.

This is rather ticklish campaigning.

A man is liable to get himself filled with lead for mistaking some fellow's best girl for a school miss.

What the fuck?

What does that even mean?

That he might end up kissing a child who's actually a wife?

that's the only slippery slope for molesting a child.

I feel like they also might be calling like teenage girls, schoolgirls, and teenage girls at that point are very on

the same.

Yeah, very on the menu.

It's a cool time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

John Berry on his chestnut stallion Poison reached the entrance to the World's Fair at 9.30 a.m.

Tuesday.

I love that.

Rolling it on a horse named Poison.

Yeah.

So So, Brett Michaels.

Deck, deck, a deck, deck, a deck, deck.

Oh,

we come from different musical traditions because I went to Bel Biv DeVoe Poison.

He's just air behind him.

Poison.

Poison.

Poison.

Poison.

Winning the great cowboy race, which commenced on the 13th from Chatron, Nebraska, the distance being 1,040 miles.

The last 150 miles were made in 24 hours, and both horse and rider were completely worn out.

More horse, though.

More horse.

Horse, yeah.

Wait, can I just want to check in that am I correct that we've been reading the newspaper from White Oaks, New Mexico?

And the only actual White Oaks news that we've, that has been in the White Oaks newspaper is Enoch trying to get his wife back and

What's his buckets getting stabbed?

I think that's it, yeah.

What about Wall Tubs?

Was that not?

No, that was a company in Chicago.

No,

there's been ice discussions.

But that was in Virginia, right?

Well, one of them.

There have been a couple of people.

One of them.

But there's been a couple of where to get your ice.

You're not wrong to suggest that if you bought this for local information, you'd probably be a little hungry.

Emmett Albright came in second at 11.15 a.m.

and he will contest Barry's claim to winning the race.

He wants a photo finish.

Yeah.

Like, what the fuck is that?

One of the greatest feelings of pleasure that falls to the lot of man is experienced when, after waking up with the impression that it is time to rise for the day and lying in bed for some minutes, fighting off drowsiness, he finally looks at his watch and finds he still has four good long hours during which he may sleep.

This guy has.

This is a paper.

He's got insomnia.

This guy, this is, is that it?

Yeah.

So this is just the passing thought of a guy like, how good is it when you don't have to get up?

How good is it when you wake up and you think that you have to get up and then you don't have to get up?

How good is that?

He's like, really good.

Is there news?

No.

No, I just think that is so awesome.

You imagine that there's somebody in White Oaks reading the paper and being like, man, finally someone blew open this sleeping in story.

He just leans forward from the paper.

Honey, you're not going to believe this.

He's right.

It is good to wake up and then fall back asleep.

To live in a time where you have a watch and yet are not like, there's not enough information to put in the paper.

Wow.

Wow.

Sleeping more is this just in sleeping more, awesome.

Breaking news.

Waking up and being able to go back to bed is a huge relief.

Let's throw to our panel to discuss sleeping more.

I'm sorry, we have to break in.

Hey, how good is water

when you're thirsty, huh?

The Chinese rule, a beheaded banker for every broken bank, may yet have to be adopted in America.

Ugh, what's this taking so long?

They're still doing it.

We've been saying this now for a long time.

And they're still like mocking a version of it.

Yeah, they are.

They still do a version of it.

They still will execute huge banking criminals.

Yeah,

if a CEO of a company is a total criminal, they're like, well, you're going to die.

They just know what they're doing.

And yet it still doesn't stop them from being fucking scumpages.

I know.

It's really shocking.

It shows you the...

We have a problem.

We have a big problem.

Yeah, the rich guy.

If Obama killed two bankers, man, the difference I would have.

What about just prosecuting two bankers?

Yeah, sure.

Or saying he should prosecute two.

I said this on another podcast, but one of my only conspiracy theories is

that like

in the in the 2008 primary, the financial sector got behind Obama early, like in 2007.

And I believe that in 2007, they knew that the crash of 2008 was coming and were like, we need a black president, otherwise bankers are going to get murdered.

When the crash comes.

Oh, that's fast.

That's a really good conspiracy.

That's a really good one.

Is it?

Can you ask the other podcast to edit that out so that's just ours?

Boy, that's crazy.

Because he did.

He got like more Wall Street money than it was.

It's like, why is the anti-war guy getting Wall Street money and the economy crashes?

And then everyone's mad about the black president.

I was like, oh, now.

There we go.

Now I see.

There we go.

We should be dragging, you know,

we should line up all of the layman brothers against the wall.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Just fold them into the wall like Murphy tubs.

We should be bathing in Lehman Brothers.

Ah, the blood.

Just put one in a tub and squish them in the wall and the blood just comes out.

The new Murphy killer.

Superstitious people see more than a mere coincidence in the fact that on the same day at almost the same hour, the funeral of Edwin Booth, brother of Jay Wilkes, and the falling floors of the old theater in which Lincoln was assassinated occurred.

Okay, so we did do

was it a small-up that we did about the

I don't know.

We did do we did cover and you know it might have just been an article in a paper.

Huh.

The theater in which yeah, I think he was.

Yeah, it was a paper.

The theater in which he was executed was turned into like a government building was condemned and they just kept people working in it and for years it had been condemned and then they started working on the basement construction

instead of the rest of it and then that didn't work because it all collapsed um so that's what he's talking about a bunch of people died but it was right when uh

Edwin Booth was having his funeral, which is interesting.

It's an interesting little fact.

Sure.

The president,

oh, sorry.

The present Makedo of Japan has abolished the custom of furnishing husbands to all women who have reached a certain age unmarried.

Furnishing husbands?

What's a better way to do it?

I have him on layaway.

It didn't work out for you.

I'm sorry.

I don't believe that you're gay.

You now have a husband.

Here's Greg.

Hello.

I'm pretty bad, to be honest with you.

I need a lot of work.

I'm an alcoholic.

Well, now you're married.

Hey.

He must have made the acquaintance of an old maid from America and

became jealous because his country had none of these delightful old girls.

Oh, I love being here with you old bags.

By the way, around

every night I weep for 40 minutes.

I have a lot of demons I'm fighting.

I really don't know what that's saying.

I mean,

it sounds like it's saying that expats become furnished wives for older women who are unmarried.

Now that I'm saying it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, obviously.

Is it saying I could have married an old woman in America, but I went to Japan where I could be furnished as a husband.

I think he's saying that our old maids are

awesome.

And so when he met some, he was like, well,

they should be hooking up.

All the old ladies should be hooking up

with

men.

Right.

There's no reason to leave them out there to

rot.

I mean, why can't a lady just

go do her own thing, do whatever, do what she wants?

Can you not just be like, I don't want to get married?

Can that be?

Well, we understand no man would have you, so we brought you one.

Hello.

What's for dinner?

Hey, I suck.

I'm really awful.

I'm a real piece of shit.

Who is the person?

I don't understand how we got from Japan to this guy.

I don't know.

I don't know if we know.

He just is sort of...

There's no rhyme or reason for what's going on.

I mean, we're at the end of a paper where a guy was just, you know, basically just celebrating

some very stupid shit.

Yeah.

All right, last one.

Okay, sure.

Langston and Owen cased their new well six miles north of town

with some eight-inch pipe that several years ago.

They had an eight-inch pipe for nearly.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

That several years ago had been used in roasting gold or in connection with an electrical gold extraction process, but which incidentally failed to extract the gold.

That's a problem.

So it seems that the pipes had never been cleaned and had considerable pay dirt encrusted on the inside.

So I think what

we're supposed to realize that the two guys abandoned the mine a long time ago, I think.

And they never cleaned the pipes, which have gold in them.

Yeah.

Big.

Which became loosened and fell among the well drillings when the pipes were put down.

Okay.

Last Monday, George Marquis, a prospector, happened along and liking the looks of the dirt about the drill hole, panned a little of it.

It showed up rich colors.

And the news of the wonderfully rich placers in a section here too.

Oh, sorry, here for here 2-4,

never given a thought, spread like wildfire.

So now people are going fucking crazy.

Yeah.

There was much excitement for a little while among the natives, but unfortunately, the source of the gold was learned in time to prevent the loss of lots of labor, time, and grub in the vain search for more placer gold.

So shitty, shitty mine.

A guy came across some old pipes, and there's no,

they were thinking it might be new gold.

It's not, Gareth.

it's not it's old gold

you can't get new gold out of old gold nope

uh

well

what an exciting ending to a

strange ride

um well uh NATO thank you for helping us find some gold in old pipes that we call the pastimes oh you're welcome and people can find you at MrNATO Green that's right Mr.

NATO Green Green on Instagram, NATO Green on Blue Sky.

NatoGreen.net is allegedly the website.

Okay, allegedly.

We're not sure yet.

Well, thank you for joining us, NATO, and we look forward to the release of your dollop, and we won't reveal who that's about, even though there's a nice little tease.

Great to see you guys.

Good to see you.

All right.

Thank you, buddy.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.