137 - The Past Times with Nato Green

Transcript

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Speaker 41 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 41 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great NATO Green.

Speaker 42 Hello, NATO.

Speaker 43 Hello, gentlemen. Good to see you.
How are you?

Speaker 42 That you just joined us for a live show that has not been released yet.

Speaker 43 I know.

Speaker 43 I'm waiting to send it to my children.

Speaker 43 I invited my children to come to the live show, and they were like, no, we'll just listen to the podcast. Thank you.

Speaker 42 We should put it behind a paywall for them specifically.

Speaker 42 NATO, you're a great stand-up.

Speaker 42 Where can people find where you're going to be or any shows?

Speaker 43 Yeah,

Speaker 43 I'm trying to put together what will be my third album of political comedy. So if people want some good, you know,

Speaker 43 the kind of of comedy that you want to listen to right after you get tear gassed by ice agents,

Speaker 43 I'm on tour

Speaker 43 July 20th, D.C. Arts Center, August 3rd, Philadelphia Punchline, August 24th, Sacramento Punchline, August 28th, Comedy Fort and Fort Collins,

Speaker 43 August 30th, Denver Grawlicks Theater. September 13th, Portland Siren Theater.
August 2nd, Mike Drop Comedy in San Diego.

Speaker 42 Are you doing that all off the top of your head?

Speaker 43 I'm sorry. October 2nd, Mike Drop Comedy in San Diego.
Yes, all off the top of my head.

Speaker 44 It's impressive. Well, he's a little bit better than you, Gareth.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 42 No, I can't even get it right on my website.

Speaker 43 Seriously, you know, Gareth, I cannot manage being a successful comedian. I can manage memory tricks.
Good for you. That's something.

Speaker 42 That's half the battle. What did you just hold up, Dave?

Speaker 44 So

Speaker 44 when I got back from the gig we all did together,

Speaker 43 I had this really long

Speaker 44 printed letter and a typed note with it. And it's a guy's big pitch

Speaker 44 for an episode on a guy named Jack London.

Speaker 43 That's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 42 Well, spoilers.

Speaker 43 Whoops. Well,

Speaker 43 anyway, I'm on tour. Look it up at Mr.Nado Green on Instagram.
Okay, great. All the details will be there.

Speaker 44 And, Mr.,

Speaker 44 you go with the formal. You're not casual with the fans.
Well,

Speaker 43 there is a NATO green on Instagram who is not me because he's like a strapping young man who does a lot of like outdoors activities in the Australian Outback.

Speaker 43 So I like to check at his

Speaker 43 sunset vistas. Kill him.

Speaker 42 Go find him.

Speaker 43 He's hosting where he is.

Speaker 42 He's probably dropping pins.

Speaker 44 He sounds like he's having a nice life down there.

Speaker 42 What a great post for you to find him and live stream a killing.

Speaker 43 I'm going live while I'm murdering my Doppler gang.

Speaker 43 Yeah, and he murders you. Oh, no.

Speaker 42 Well, NATO, what we're going to do is we're going to take a wild ride through an old newspaper. You should lose, let's everybody lose a layer.

Speaker 42 And

Speaker 42 how we like to start is: you're going to try to guess what year this newspaper will be from with no context.

Speaker 42 I'll follow that up with a guess, and you'll win because Dave's, you know, seems normal when you look at him, but inside of his head, it's a haunted house of total nightmares. So

Speaker 42 you're free to guess any year, NATO, whatever you think.

Speaker 43 Well,

Speaker 43 because, as you know, I'm a labor guy, I think the year that I'm going to guess is 1877,

Speaker 43 the year of the nationwide rail strikes.

Speaker 44 Really good guess.

Speaker 42 I'm going to guess 1877.

Speaker 44 NATO wins because it is 1893.

Speaker 42 How does he win?

Speaker 44 Because

Speaker 44 you can't do that.

Speaker 43 You forfeited. You forfeited what?

Speaker 43 You forfeited.

Speaker 44 You're 100% forfeited.

Speaker 43 I will beat you.

Speaker 44 I will beat you. It's crazy to watch.

Speaker 42 It's just supposed to be a fun little warm-up for the guests and for the people who listen to the show.

Speaker 44 And now it's just people hearing you try to cheat.

Speaker 42 Because you forced this. You forced my hand.

Speaker 44 Look, there's rules. And one of the rules is you can't guess what's just been guessed.

Speaker 43 Wait a minute. I'm not sure there are rules.
Wait, let's not.

Speaker 44 He's not. He's kidding.

Speaker 42 Mr. Nato Green, do you say that?

Speaker 43 Thank you. Dr.
Nato Green is my father. Yeah.

Speaker 44 It is the White Oaks Eagle from White Oaks, New Mexico, July 6th, 1893.

Speaker 44 Now, I have never heard of White Oaks.

Speaker 43 I've spent a lot of time in New Mexico.

Speaker 44 And have you heard of it?

Speaker 43 White Oaks? Never.

Speaker 43 My wife is from New Mexico, so I've been going to Mexico for 30 years and have never heard of White Oaks.

Speaker 44 Oh, it looks like it's just a

Speaker 44 gold town.

Speaker 45 So that's what this is going to be. This will be all

Speaker 43 specter updates.

Speaker 44 It does not appear to be a city anymore.

Speaker 43 Oh, wait.

Speaker 44 Old commercial building in White Oaks. But there's no like, if you go to

Speaker 44 Wikipedia, there's no like population number that they usually have up there. So I'm assuming nobody lives there.

Speaker 42 So this could potentially just be one guy writing a paper for himself, A Descent into Madness.

Speaker 44 It is a ghost town. It is officially a ghost town.
Okay. Okay.
There we go. So it's a dead place.
All right.

Speaker 44 Like America.

Speaker 44 A New Jersey Enoch Arden. Is that his name, Enoch Arden?

Speaker 42 How are you spelling Enoch?

Speaker 44 E-N-O-C-H.

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 43 That seems like, that's like biblical, right?

Speaker 44 Yeah, it's biblical. It's like a.

Speaker 42 I was hoping it was Eunuch.

Speaker 43 Well,

Speaker 43 that's a thing.

Speaker 44 Yeah, it's a patriarch prior to Noah's flood. Okay.
Enoch is the biblical figure in patriarch. So it's just a guy named Enoch, I'm assuming.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 44 Enoch Arden has invoked the age of the.

Speaker 43 You could bring that back, though. You could just

Speaker 43 like.

Speaker 43 Imagine you could have a kid just so that you could name him Eunuch. Yeah.

Speaker 42 I like it. I definitely like it.
And by the way, I don't just name a kid and not follow through. So

Speaker 42 I'm going to ask the Moyle for a little extra.

Speaker 43 Keep going.

Speaker 43 You could further.

Speaker 44 You could also get it.

Speaker 43 All the way.

Speaker 43 Digging.

Speaker 43 Oh, God.

Speaker 42 Take out the digger.

Speaker 43 Okay. Wait a minute.

Speaker 43 Can I tell you?

Speaker 43 So

Speaker 43 I knew a guy growing up, and the circumcision didn't take when he was born. What?

Speaker 43 According to Jewish law, it doesn't count as a circumcision unless i guess there's blood and so like when he was in middle school his parents brought him back to the moil just to get stabbed in the dick

Speaker 42 just because it didn't bleed just to bleed just just to bleed it out so it was cut but the blood had not runneth so he needed to get a bloody one yeah he needs to get a bloody that is so fucking crazy It's time to, hey,

Speaker 44 Timmy, it's time to get your dick cut.

Speaker 42 I thought I already did.

Speaker 43 We're taking you out of school early.

Speaker 43 That I like.

Speaker 42 It's like, by the way, if you had pitched that to me when I was a kid, like six days off, but your dick has to get cut, I'd have been like, I don't hate the pitch.

Speaker 43 There's a lot I like. It's not dead on arrival.
It's not DOA.

Speaker 42 I'm still here, aren't I?

Speaker 43 Okay, 1893.

Speaker 44 Okay, so. New Jersey Enoch Arden has invoked the aid of the courts to regain possession of the wife he deserted 12 years ago.

Speaker 42 Regain possession.

Speaker 44 So

Speaker 44 it's a weird way to put it. Possession.

Speaker 42 He left and wants her back.

Speaker 44 He would like to get to get ownership back of his wife.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Possession is nine-tenths of the law, as they say.

Speaker 43 And marriage. And marriage.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 44 And who, during his absence, married another man.

Speaker 42 Well, that is. Now that's cheating.

Speaker 42 Now that's ridiculous.

Speaker 44 You got to wait 15 years.

Speaker 43 Good lord.

Speaker 42 Can't a man pause a movie without it going away?

Speaker 44 How human? When he had her, he didn't want her. And when he couldn't get her, he wanted her.

Speaker 42 This is classic me.

Speaker 44 So they're talking a little shit there. They're taking a dig.

Speaker 44 That's a prospecting town.

Speaker 43 That's the whole story. Yeah.
That's it. That's it.
That's the whole story. Well, that's it.
So he went to the judge.

Speaker 44 I assume he was like, can I have her?

Speaker 43 Is she in a different place? Do we think?

Speaker 42 Emotionally.

Speaker 44 I know. Yeah, no, she's probably in the same place because it sounds like he left.

Speaker 43 He's so awkward if you're the new husband. So

Speaker 42 I saw Ted today. Oh, God.
He's back in town.

Speaker 43 Well, yeah.

Speaker 42 Jesus. Do you even talk to him? I had to.

Speaker 42 He's trying to repossess me.

Speaker 43 What?

Speaker 43 Here's your caller, woman.

Speaker 43 Can I repo my wife? Is that

Speaker 42 this is horribly awkward, but I'll have her back now.

Speaker 42 My flag was in her sands first.

Speaker 43 I can't find anyone else to churn my butter.

Speaker 42 Believe me, I've looked. She's terrible, but there's only worse.

Speaker 44 Virginia has turned out the best summer advertisement of the season. Can't wait in the alleged discovery of natural ice.

Speaker 43 What? What the fuck?

Speaker 42 What? Was that even...

Speaker 44 This is

Speaker 44 before refrigerators.

Speaker 43 They were like, wait a minute. If it gets cold enough,

Speaker 43 we discovered ice.

Speaker 42 It really makes it sound like they were like, this is water

Speaker 43 the whole time. I know.
I don't.

Speaker 44 I think there's ice.

Speaker 42 They just found a bunch of ice and that was a big deal.

Speaker 44 I think they're saying, yeah, that, okay, it's July. so they're saying that there's still ice around in July.
I'm not buying it.

Speaker 44 It's a lie to get people to go there.

Speaker 43 Virginia?

Speaker 44 Yeah, it would have to be in a cave, wouldn't it, to stay

Speaker 44 ice that long? It's not a river.

Speaker 43 And

Speaker 43 why is that in a newspaper in New Mexico?

Speaker 44 Because they're hot and they want to go places.

Speaker 42 Are they commending the advertisement?

Speaker 43 Yes.

Speaker 42 So they're going, like, boy, we got a bunch of suckers.

Speaker 43 Idiots.

Speaker 42 He went to Virginia for ice.

Speaker 42 I mean, by the way, the beauty of America is now ice is everywhere.

Speaker 42 And it's coming to take us.

Speaker 44 Who wouldn't be anxious to spend a few weeks in the vicinity of such a cooling curiosity?

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 44 So I guess that's what I think we were otters.

Speaker 44 That's the vacation. It's the summer vacation.

Speaker 43 Dad, what are we doing this summer? We're going to go just sit near ice.

Speaker 43 What if I do anything with it? No, no, we're just going to sit next to it.

Speaker 42 And honestly, it's probably not even real.

Speaker 43 We're going to Virginia.

Speaker 44 Yeah, then you roll in, and the guy at the hotel is like, well, there it is. And you're like, that's water.
And he's like, well, it was.

Speaker 43 Wait long enough. It will be.

Speaker 42 Yes, let me tell you the history of that puddle.

Speaker 43 Dad, shut up.

Speaker 44 The canals of the country will experience a boom if the project of propelling canal boats by the trolley electric system can be successfully worked, and it is believed it can be.

Speaker 43 They're talking about electric canals because I'm seeing an issue.

Speaker 44 They're talking about electric boats on canals.

Speaker 42 Everyone died again. What is it with plugging in this water system?

Speaker 43 How,

Speaker 44 how, I guess that they would, I guess that

Speaker 44 the trolley pulling part would be on the land land next to the canal.

Speaker 43 I don't love it

Speaker 44 Remember this is a time when you'd get you'd guys on the shore would pull the the boat through a canal with ropes on the side NATO.

Speaker 42 I love how he says to me remember this is a time like I have it's oh oh this is still back when they pulled it it's it's good

Speaker 43 many times Gareth you know how all the back in the always with the canals and the pulling and the boat

Speaker 42 didn't start till 1898

Speaker 43 before that Before that, they had to push the boats up the canals. Ah, that I remember.

Speaker 43 And the mariners kept throwing their backs out.

Speaker 43 They all had slip discs because of all the pushing. And they were like, guys, wait a minute.
We could pull.

Speaker 42 Push with your backs, not with your legs.

Speaker 44 NATO remembers. Yeah.

Speaker 43 I was an active

Speaker 43 Canal Stevedor. in the 1890s.
That was when your first album came out. Yeah.

Speaker 44 That was the name of his first album. Yeah.

Speaker 43 Canal Stevedor. Yeah.

Speaker 42 It's a great name.

Speaker 43 It was released exclusively on purple daguerreotype.

Speaker 42 Which turned into 800-pound gorilla, if I'm not mistaken.

Speaker 43 Yeah,

Speaker 42 I don't love the idea. Water electric.

Speaker 44 Ice, ice, that's the headline. They could go today also

Speaker 44 the same. Leave orders with Stewart for ice.
He has purchased all the ice put up by the W.O. Spriggs Ice Company.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 44 So he's monopolized the ice in town.

Speaker 42 Ice Monopoly.

Speaker 44 And now they're like...

Speaker 43 I saw that documentary, Ice Pirates.

Speaker 44 Yeah. Yeah.
Same, this is it.

Speaker 44 Well, that, so this guy's a fucking asshole. He bought all the ice.

Speaker 42 But it's very funny to be buying ice when there's not really anywhere to hoard it, right?

Speaker 44 Well, I think, as I recall from an episode we did about this, this, I think all the ice is together in blocks

Speaker 44 to keep it from melting as

Speaker 43 crypto, and then you sell it. That's why I have the big square cubes for my cocktails.

Speaker 42 That's right. Right, they melt, yeah, but still, it will melt.

Speaker 44 It will melt, but you have it for a little while. You can put your face on it.

Speaker 42 You really gotta, but you just wait until that starts melting before you make a bid, and you're like, I'll give you a dollar for a big block.

Speaker 43 Yeah!

Speaker 44 Yeah, you put it in the ice house.

Speaker 43 Okay, but is this person?

Speaker 43 I still don't understand if this is the person buying the ice in Virginia or is he in New Mexico?

Speaker 44 I think he's in town here, and he bought the ice that was for sale in the area, and now

Speaker 44 he's hoarding ice. He's an ice hoarder.

Speaker 43 He's an ice hoarder.

Speaker 44 And so he's going to sell it to the locals. He's a dick.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 44 It's capitalism.

Speaker 43 Sure.

Speaker 44 We're all against it.

Speaker 43 We're against it. Well,

Speaker 42 I just, I don't know what we'd replace it with, Dave.

Speaker 42 Right.

Speaker 44 That's right. There's no better system.
We've tried everything.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 45 We've exhausted the other ones.

Speaker 44 Star of the South, go to Velasco for health, sea air, and comfort, where ships too deep for all the other Texas ports sail in and out with ease.

Speaker 44 Where fruits ripen earlier and pay better than in California, where the soil is a natural hot bed.

Speaker 43 Where?

Speaker 44 Valesco.

Speaker 43 Winter.

Speaker 43 I love, I mean, it is like

Speaker 43 it's a weird thing about New Mexico that like there's all of this history about like someone being sickly in somewhat in a more humid

Speaker 43 part of the country and being like, you should go to New Mexico

Speaker 43 for its healing purposes because it'll dry you out. Like there's all the All these

Speaker 43 people

Speaker 43 going to the desert for health reasons because it's.

Speaker 42 It's a dry heat.

Speaker 43 It's a dry heat. And I guess it'll deal with your malaria or whatever the fuck.

Speaker 42 Is there any connection to that being true? Maybe, right?

Speaker 43 Who knows? But I mean, it's just, it's

Speaker 43 such a primitive medical science to me of like, oh, oh, you're very sick? No, no, we're not going to treat you. Just go stand over there.

Speaker 42 Well, also, it would be so, if I was in New Mexico, I'd be like, we need to build a wall because they are sending their sick. Just put every sick person like,

Speaker 43 and if I lay down, they send people off on us. Yeah, yeah.
I'd be like, no.

Speaker 44 I never really thought about that, but that's telling what happened in those places. Just sick people came.

Speaker 42 I would really be like, we got to move.

Speaker 43 This is bad. Isn't that part of like, like, wasn't that part of Oppenheimer going to New Mexico? Was like, I just, I want to build

Speaker 43 and breathe the fresh air. Yeah.

Speaker 42 Imagine now coming to America to be like, oh, wow. So that fresh air, where is that fresh air at?

Speaker 43 Does that exist anywhere? Not anymore.

Speaker 43 We got rid of it.

Speaker 44 Fresh vegetables all winter. Coldest day in three years is 25 degrees above zero.
Warmest day, 92 degrees. That's not, that doesn't apply anymore.

Speaker 43 That's so good.

Speaker 44 Velesco offers the best investments in the south. Well, there you go.

Speaker 42 92 degrees being your cap for New Mexico.

Speaker 44 That's pretty amazing.

Speaker 43 I love the VC guy being like,

Speaker 43 get in early on the ripe fruit. Yeah.

Speaker 43 There's a lot of upside on the

Speaker 43 ripe fruit market. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 44 I don't know if I can put a picture in chat. Can I?

Speaker 44 I don't know if you guys should see this. It's a stand-up bathtub.

Speaker 43 What?

Speaker 44 Well, it's a folding.

Speaker 43 Is it a shower?

Speaker 44 It's a folding.

Speaker 42 No, don't you dare come.

Speaker 42 It's like a shark take idea that gets passed on. I think that's just a bath.

Speaker 44 That's a shower. So it's a folding stand-up bathtub.

Speaker 43 So it's a bathtub. It's like a Murphy tub?

Speaker 44 Yeah, it's a Murphy tub. That's exactly what it is.

Speaker 43 They haven't figured out that water flows down.

Speaker 43 Guys, we just learned that ice, the water freezes as ice. And also, I keep closing my Murphy tub and it spills water all over.
It's everywhere. Filthy water.

Speaker 42 The new Murphy tub.

Speaker 43 Murphy bed.

Speaker 42 Whoever came up Murphy from the Murphy bed was like, I need a follow-up hit.

Speaker 42 The Murphy tub. The Murphy toilet.

Speaker 43 After a day of wrangling horses or whatever I did and mining, panning for gold, I got into my Murphy tub to soak off all of my filth and scum

Speaker 43 and then just spilled filth water all over my house.

Speaker 43 These walls are just rotting.

Speaker 42 This whole wall needs to come down for some reason.

Speaker 44 Look, I think the tub I bought from you is broken because every time I fold it up, the house just floods.

Speaker 42 That's not a tub issue. No, the Murphy tub works great.
You just put it into your wall and that's the bath's over.

Speaker 43 Maybe you're not closing it fast enough. If you close it up, you got to watch it up.
You got to watch it up.

Speaker 44 I really try at all speeds. I got to be honest.
This is going on.

Speaker 42 If you're trying to really jam it, you've got to to jam it up.

Speaker 43 Yeah, I really jam it up.

Speaker 44 I mean, it's hard because it's full, but yeah, I do.

Speaker 43 No, no, it's supposed to be full.

Speaker 42 You want it full. That's a huge component of the Murphy tub.

Speaker 43 You have to save the water. Water is too scarce out here.

Speaker 43 I know. I know.
You can't waste the water by spilling it.

Speaker 43 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 42 Have you drank the water when done bathing before putting it up there? Because that has actually worked for a lot of our customers.

Speaker 44 Oh, it's very dirty water. So, no, it's full of my filth.

Speaker 44 It's like a couple weeks. I mean, I'm out for a couple weeks digging, and it's pretty.

Speaker 43 You had to use a chisel in the bath. Yeah, it's bad.

Speaker 43 It's bad.

Speaker 44 I've even tried to put an ice block in there, but again.

Speaker 42 All new Murphy tub.

Speaker 43 The house of the future.

Speaker 44 The ad answers all the questions. What is this? A combination folding bathtub with heater attached?

Speaker 42 It sounds so dangerous for 1893.

Speaker 44 Super dangerous.

Speaker 43 A hot tub

Speaker 43 that you put into your wall.

Speaker 44 Where can it be put? In any apartment of your house.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 43 Sure.

Speaker 42 That must mean compartment, I guess.

Speaker 44 It says apartment. It must be.
Yeah. Yeah, but they

Speaker 42 must mean like.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 44 What does it represent? A handsome piece of furniture.

Speaker 42 I do, like,

Speaker 42 I remember my mother, who is, when I say this, sounds like she's from the 1800s, but she would tell me, like, her aunt had the bathtub in her kitchen.

Speaker 42 Like, so I do understand the idea that you were just like, yeah, I want to like have the space. But

Speaker 42 it feels like the tech isn't ready yet.

Speaker 44 I did see that a lot in New York when I was there.

Speaker 42 People had the tubs and just living room tubs, kitchen tubs. Yeah.

Speaker 43 Were they like tenements?

Speaker 44 No, but they had like converted the building and not a great way.

Speaker 42 And yeah, well, that's one of the things, Mom Donny. It's like, dude, you're not like, he's trying to get tubs and bathrooms.
It's just like disgusting.

Speaker 44 What is it used for to wash yourself in?

Speaker 43 When?

Speaker 44 At least once a week. How?

Speaker 43 With soap and water.

Speaker 43 Does it say that? Yes.

Speaker 43 Once a week is also horrifying.

Speaker 43 People are like, that's pretty regular.

Speaker 44 And it's called the Folding Bathtub Company. I'm going to look it up and see.

Speaker 42 Spoiler, they don't exist anymore. They might be the people who came up with the walk-in tub technology, though, which has always been my favorite style of bath.

Speaker 43 A car fucked a tub.

Speaker 43 Like a bathtub with a sliding door.

Speaker 42 Well, they've got the like hand, like it's like for seniors, but it's like you open the side of your tub and then you get in and then you fill it, which is just its own strange experience to sit there naked waiting for the water to hit you.

Speaker 42 You know, it's like, it's like demolition, man.

Speaker 44 I mean, okay, it was a thing in the 19th century. In the late 1800s, the Muslim food.

Speaker 42 There are so many plumbing questions.

Speaker 44 The Muslim folding bathtub company in Chicago introduced a product that could turn any room into a bathroom. The closet-folding bathtub.

Speaker 43 I mean, Dave, Dave, any room is a bathroom if you shoot in it.

Speaker 43 That's a really good point.

Speaker 44 It also had a built-in mirror on one side for added

Speaker 44 primping value. Pimping,

Speaker 44 pimping would be totally different.

Speaker 43 Your voice is $150 now.

Speaker 44 Yeah, I mean, I guess. And then another company made, another company made their own folding bathtub.
Oh, so this one has

Speaker 44 a water tank. So when you fold it up, there's a water tank, and then the tub just goes around the water tank.
So that's how you get the heat.

Speaker 42 But the draining, look, I don't want to get caught up in it.

Speaker 44 The draining part is not good. The draining part is really good.

Speaker 42 Because there's no pipe that is going to. It's not like the pipe is on some sort of weird pulley.

Speaker 43 I'm imagining, like,

Speaker 43 do you remember

Speaker 43 there, like, there's, you know,

Speaker 43 like there, sometimes there's like a new thing that comes out, and then you go to people's house and they want to show you that they have the new thing. Yeah.

Speaker 43 I imagine people visiting other people's homes in White Oaks in 1893 and being like, Let me show you my new folding tub. Yeah.
And I'd be like, oh, can I get in it right now? Yeah.

Speaker 44 Everybody take a dip.

Speaker 43 Deacon, have some decency.

Speaker 44 Hello.

Speaker 42 Look at this mirror. Mind if I spread my cheeks?

Speaker 43 Deepen.

Speaker 42 I've never seen that part of me before.

Speaker 42 It's the only part I've always wondered what it looked like.

Speaker 43 I do have a taint after all. Whoa, that's dark.

Speaker 44 And it's wet.

Speaker 42 Oh, my lord.

Speaker 42 It's like someone folded a tub up there.

Speaker 43 My white oak is white and oaky. Oh, boy.

Speaker 43 Grace, get over here.

Speaker 42 There is never going to be an answer for me on where the water goes. It's just, they are, in my opinion, water is sloshing in a wall bog.

Speaker 44 After the bath, the water was drained into a basin that then had to be emptied.

Speaker 44 So that's problematic also, though, because you still have to.

Speaker 42 Yeah, it's just extra steps.

Speaker 44 It sounds like you're, it sounds like you're, but I would think that would be a problem with all bathtubs unless they were connected to pipes I agree yeah

Speaker 43 a company called I do like I do like that develop like I've been in I like

Speaker 43 that quality those bathrooms like I've seen been in them in Europe where it's like it's all tile and there's no stall and there's just a drain yeah like I think that's fun I do I do too yeah I like that

Speaker 44 a company called Brush and Rick introduced a similar creation of combination

Speaker 44 sorry Nina what was that that got really weird something at the end there

Speaker 44 you sounded you sounded like a guy whose kids left the house i gotta be honest the deacon shit in the tub you say crazy shit did the deacon crap in our folding tub

Speaker 44 um sure did the combin

Speaker 44 brush and rick introduced the combination sofa and bathtub sofa bathtub

Speaker 42 What are you talking about?

Speaker 44 Sadly, reports of sofas catching on fire and people getting burned while bathing made it a short-lived product.

Speaker 43 What? Guys. What?

Speaker 43 Everybody get in. We're inventing the microwave bathtub.

Speaker 43 Have you ever couch showered?

Speaker 43 They also.

Speaker 42 How did your house burn down? Well, we bought the sofa bath.

Speaker 42 The guy had not figured out a bunch of the stuff.

Speaker 43 It didn't work. It didn't work.
it caught fire that one time

Speaker 42 we had a bunch of people over guys

Speaker 43 it's time for the horse bath it's a horse with a bath that's in it you can ride to town in a tub the way a king would

Speaker 43 the horse caught on fire how

Speaker 44 The Mosley Folding Company referenced folding beds in their ads in a way to...

Speaker 43 The Mostley Folding Company is so fucking funny.

Speaker 44 Mosley.

Speaker 42 Mosley. Oh, I think I said mostly.
Oh, damn it.

Speaker 43 Still, the idea that they're like, wait, put it back in the wall, guys.

Speaker 44 Charles Hess obtained a patent for an improved combined piano, couch, and bureau.

Speaker 42 What? The actual

Speaker 44 fuck. People are just trying to figure out different ways to fold shit up.

Speaker 43 What?

Speaker 43 The piano.

Speaker 44 So it did not, it did not last very long, but for a short time just sitting in a room.

Speaker 42 What if the piano was a couch and a bath?

Speaker 42 But honey, come to bed.

Speaker 43 Hold on. But we're all laughing at this one.
What if I could fold this barbecue? What if this barbecue house was also a wife? Honey,

Speaker 42 come to bed.

Speaker 43 No, hold on.

Speaker 42 You cook on your wife's griddle, but it's also a mattress bath.

Speaker 43 I'm in possession of my wife.

Speaker 42 Where's your wife? Well, she's in the wall. I just bathed in her.
Wait, what?

Speaker 44 Which, do you mean the wife that's part toilet, or do you mean the wife that's part wall?

Speaker 42 I only have the toilet wife.

Speaker 42 I turned my wife into a toilet bath couch.

Speaker 43 She lives in the wall.

Speaker 43 You're thinking of Jeff down the lane. His wife is a combination

Speaker 43 barbecue.

Speaker 42 His wife's a barbecue

Speaker 43 bench bath stove.

Speaker 43 She tried to leave him, but she just can't.

Speaker 42 She doesn't have a leg to stand on because she's attached to the wall.

Speaker 43 I thought she had four legs to stand on.

Speaker 42 No, two of them are because the wall is sort of load-bearing.

Speaker 42 Let me ask my wife.

Speaker 43 You got one of those load-bearing wives?

Speaker 42 Yeah, I have a load-bearing wife who's a toilet. Here, let me, I'll take her out of the wall, see what she says.
Hi, boys.

Speaker 42 Anyone for soup? She's also a cauldron.

Speaker 44 So there are still a number of companies that offer modern folding bathtubs made of plastic and rubber today. Oh, my God.
Oh my God.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't hate it.

Speaker 44 I don't hate it either. It's not so.
It makes sense in today's world where they're just squeezing us.

Speaker 42 Yeah, it's one of those, like, yeah, you could see like Japan being big into like the folding bath walls or something. Like, if they did it, I'd be like, I'm listening.

Speaker 42 If it was in America, I'd be like, this is going to give you black mold.

Speaker 44 It's really weird. Okay.

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Speaker 44 Practical patriotism. No boy.

Speaker 43 Here we go.

Speaker 44 There is a crowd around the Hotel Stove in the country town.

Speaker 45 Hotel stove?

Speaker 43 Hotel stove.

Speaker 42 It folds into the wall.

Speaker 44 For the night was cold, and half the businessmen of the place had collected to hear

Speaker 44 the news and listen to the drummers tell stories.

Speaker 44 Okay, so it's a weird time, and no one's having fun.

Speaker 42 Worst member of the band to be chatting to.

Speaker 44 Pretty soon, one man got the bits in his teeth and began doing the bulk of the talking. Gentlemen,

Speaker 44 after several bursts of patriotic oratory, every man and woman who is a true American loves the good old flag as the emblem of what is best in government.

Speaker 43 Oh, God.

Speaker 44 The principles for which it stands cannot be too early instilled in the minds and hearts of newcomers on the field of action.

Speaker 44 Be they youths of our own blood or men of other lands come newly to the shores.

Speaker 44 That flag should ever wave in sight of Americans where it can be found a more appropriate and better place than right here in your beautiful town.

Speaker 44 And everyone erupted into cheers, as you would expect, because Americans are easy to get feverish about the flag. Who is he? A man leaning in inquired.
He must be a member of Congress.

Speaker 44 No, responded the clerk, toying with the register. He's in New York.

Speaker 43 Toying with the register.

Speaker 43 i'm gonna i'm just gonna finger the cash register real quick

Speaker 43 trying to pleasure the cash register

Speaker 43 it's a very sexy cash register

Speaker 44 dave's frozen face right now is unreal like it um he's a new york uh dummy drummies drummies or

Speaker 44 i can't read the word representing a flag factory in that town and the crowd caught on and abased the drummer up the stairs to his room.

Speaker 44 So they realized he wasn't enjoying the patriots of America, but he was selling flags, which is in itself a way to celebrate America.

Speaker 43 It's so weird

Speaker 42 that that culture has lasted as long as it has in this. Like, it is really amazing that just

Speaker 42 to live in a country where you just are always like, how great are we? While everything's falling apart,

Speaker 42 name a better place.

Speaker 44 I feel like the countries that do that actually really suck.

Speaker 42 Their whole business model is predicated on just bluster. Yeah.
It's like if you've only went and saw one band and then you stood around in the parking lot talking about how great the band is.

Speaker 43 Like, and you've only ever heard one band.

Speaker 42 You're like, man.

Speaker 44 I can do that. I can do that with Weezer.

Speaker 42 How good is Rush?

Speaker 44 Well, that's another one I could do it with. Yeah.

Speaker 43 Yeah. See? Yeah.

Speaker 42 Rush fans. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 42 I believe that one be.

Speaker 43 We are the priests of the temple

Speaker 43 of Sirix.

Speaker 43 And they were. And they were.

Speaker 43 I'd vote for PERT.

Speaker 44 When I was in... a freshman year in high school,

Speaker 44 we were taking a short story writing class. And

Speaker 44 near the end of the year for like our final, final, the guy's like, okay, you got to write a short story and then read it in front of the class.

Speaker 44 And so, our buddy just took the lyrics to that song and went up and read them.

Speaker 43 And we were all dying laughing.

Speaker 44 And then we all got like C's and he got an A.

Speaker 42 Yeah, that's huge.

Speaker 42 You're really writing some deep stuff over there.

Speaker 43 The thing, so, like, like I,

Speaker 43 when I was deep into my rush phase, which was in high school, like, the, like, the thing that people said about

Speaker 43 the highest quality, the best, the highest praise you can give to a band, the thing I always said about Rush was like, oh, they're so tight. They're the tightest band.

Speaker 43 That was the most important thing about a band was to be as tight as possible. Tight.

Speaker 43 They're just tight. They're tight.

Speaker 43 I mean, they were. They were very tight.
They were tight.

Speaker 42 There was some looseness in some of it, but for the most part, quite.

Speaker 43 And then at some point, I got into the punk band No Means No, literally because someone was like,

Speaker 43 they're tight. They're a punk band, but they're super tight.
I was like, okay, then I'm going to get it out. They're tight.

Speaker 42 I love a tight band.

Speaker 43 If I'm listening to something and it's not tight, I just can't stand it.

Speaker 42 I can't. They need to ratchet up.
This is just horrendous.

Speaker 43 If you were in a bar and someone started giving a speech about the American flag,

Speaker 43 what would you do?

Speaker 42 I would do what we all basically do, which is just be like, it's like how you feel during the national anthem, where you're just like,

Speaker 43 Jesus Christ, let's get this over with.

Speaker 42 What would you do?

Speaker 43 I would ask follow-up questions.

Speaker 42 Okay, so you'd be like, sorry.

Speaker 43 Excuse me.

Speaker 43 I'm completely that guy. I'd be like,

Speaker 43 what was the line he said? The flag and what it represents about our system of government. Yeah.
I would go,

Speaker 43 What does it represent about our system of government?

Speaker 43 Tell me about it.

Speaker 42 That's so good. That's such a good follow-up.

Speaker 43 Wait, I have a question. Excuse me.

Speaker 43 I would really like, I would fully columbo it. I was like, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt.

Speaker 42 I'm about to leave.

Speaker 43 I don't mean to bother you. But if you don't, I'm just a little bit confused.

Speaker 42 One more thing.

Speaker 43 One more thing, if you would.

Speaker 43 What is our system of government uh

Speaker 43 awesome yeah

Speaker 42 i think that whenever i see uh

Speaker 42 like the truck with the flag in the bed

Speaker 42 where i'm just like oh my god

Speaker 42 like why it really is such a way of letting them get away with so much shit Like, we should just start driving around with like Danish flags just to be like, yeah, we need to step it up here.

Speaker 42 We need some more socialism.

Speaker 43 Right.

Speaker 43 Not, not, like, not full, full flag, like, not, we're not full communism, like, not Cuban flags.

Speaker 42 Yeah, yeah, like, unless things improve, then we're going Cuban.

Speaker 43 Yeah, but some, some Danish flags.

Speaker 43 Yes, we just want some light socialism. Yes, yes.

Speaker 48 Just a tint.

Speaker 47 Um,

Speaker 44 all right, this one's just a blurb. The office celebrated the fourth at Nogol.
Enough said.

Speaker 42 not a lot got said um

Speaker 44 they're just saying that's where they did it they celebrated america they went to nogle what's now now i gotta look up nogle

Speaker 43 no no

Speaker 43 no uh

Speaker 44 is that a bar it's a census dec designated place

Speaker 44 it's a unincorporated community in Lincoln County. Population was 96 as of 2010.
So that's not a lot. Wow.

Speaker 42 The census, the census is even like, I guess you're a city.

Speaker 44 Yeah, I mean, I think these are just all places that popped up and they were big mining towns and then they went away because then all the stuff from the ground was gone.

Speaker 42 That's a better name for America.

Speaker 44 The stuff in the ground was gone?

Speaker 43 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 42 All the stuff in the ground was gone.

Speaker 43 I'm mapping the distance from White Oaks to Nogal.

Speaker 43 Of course.

Speaker 42 That's a first for one of our guests, NATO.

Speaker 42 NATO's mapping.

Speaker 43 To do some Google Maps. What do we want?

Speaker 43 I'm quickly realizing that Google Maps doesn't have the option of mapping the distance by

Speaker 43 if you're traveling by horse. Oh, right.
Right, right, right.

Speaker 42 And it would be so great for there to be this horse option.

Speaker 42 How long by a horse?

Speaker 44 They should have that.

Speaker 43 Yeah. How long by skateboard?

Speaker 42 How long by a horse with tub?

Speaker 43 A tub of horse.

Speaker 43 It's an eight and a half hour walk.

Speaker 44 But that's using the roads, right? It doesn't give you the walk on like paths or anything, like a path through.

Speaker 42 Great to be like, what's the horse path?

Speaker 43 What's the way as the crow flies?

Speaker 44 So what do you think? You think a walk is like a horse would like cut that by a third?

Speaker 42 I would think at least.

Speaker 44 Two-thirds? Two-thirds?

Speaker 43 Two-thirds, sure. Yeah.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 44 The depression in silver, the failing banks, the financial crisis, the continued droughts, the scarcity of Anheuser and

Speaker 44 Hauser shade and benches are cogent reasons, but failed to explain satisfactorily why no watermelons were on tap at Nogel's celebration.

Speaker 45 Not sure.

Speaker 43 They hadn't gone to Velasco for the ripe fruit.

Speaker 43 Not sure that.

Speaker 44 No, look, if I chose Nogele,

Speaker 44 if I'm going to Nogel, if I'm making the

Speaker 44 two and a half-hour trip,

Speaker 44 there better be melons.

Speaker 43 I agree.

Speaker 44 Why else am I going to Nogel?

Speaker 43 Oh, God.

Speaker 42 It's just

Speaker 42 that distance for for a melon.

Speaker 44 And then there's none. None.

Speaker 43 Brutal. Took me three days.

Speaker 43 For the 4th of July, no less. Yeah.
How am I supposed to celebrate American independence without a melon?

Speaker 43 Hey, how good is this country, though?

Speaker 42 It's awesome for sure.

Speaker 44 July 4th. A beautiful morning, but the town seems deserted as most of our boys left for Nogel.
And if it were not for Mr.

Speaker 44 Emilio, whose miniature man of war, which is blazing with versi-colored flags and the discharge of a few firecrackers here and there, we should hardly know that this is the greatest day of the American nation.

Speaker 44 And they say that

Speaker 44 I think that says Italians. And they say that Italians do not make good patriotic citizens.
Exclamation point.

Speaker 43 I do say that.

Speaker 43 At least one thing held true.

Speaker 43 Italians don't know how to do American patriotism.

Speaker 43 I mean, look at them.

Speaker 42 Honestly.

Speaker 44 Okay, well, you should have gone to Nogel then instead of writing an article in the paper about how bummed you are. Just go.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Monday afternoon while on a bender, Deffy Wallace. Deffy Wallace.
That's a nickname.

Speaker 42 I like it.

Speaker 44 Deffy Wallace got in an altercation with colonel fisk deffy came out of the mus with a knife cut was it a difficult

Speaker 43 hello

Speaker 42 jesus christ it's got a knife remember me

Speaker 42 i just put him in my wall toilet

Speaker 44 deffy came out of the mus with a knife cut over his eye and the colonel will have to appear before the next session of the district court he gave bond for 250 dollars okay All right, so it's a little fight.

Speaker 42 Yeah, he cut a man named Duffy, and he's got a fine.

Speaker 43 Did Deffy get cut or was he the cutter? Deffy got cut over the eye.

Speaker 42 The colonel cut him.

Speaker 43 Why did the colonel cut him?

Speaker 43 It doesn't say. We played Clue.

Speaker 44 But Deffy was on a bender.

Speaker 42 Deffy was on a bender.

Speaker 44 You know how Deffy gets.

Speaker 43 He does some shit when he's on a bender.

Speaker 42 Hey, he was on one so long he defeated logic.

Speaker 44 Oh, this is interesting. Brown and Ubrick are now carrying a stock of the finest quality of ice that nature has provided.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 42 Ice such a player.

Speaker 43 Again, with the ice. Yeah.

Speaker 42 I get it, sort of, but it's really

Speaker 42 such a short-term solution.

Speaker 44 I mean, if you're hot all the time and then somebody goes in with ice, like, I get it.

Speaker 42 Yeah, and your meat is going to last, I don't know, another seven days stop

Speaker 44 it comes from the clear pure waters of the bonito which is sufficient recommendation of its excellence

Speaker 43 okay well the bonito ice is that like a

Speaker 43 something

Speaker 42 it's a mussolini ice

Speaker 44 well this is uh okay black buck hunting in india The black buck of India is a... This is going to get weird, I'm sure.

Speaker 42 I'm nervous. I've got that, what do we call it? Racism gut?

Speaker 43 You know, where it's not to take a term?

Speaker 44 Racism a common.

Speaker 42 It's called the term turn.

Speaker 43 Uh-huh.

Speaker 44 It's a very graceful animal weighing between 30 and 50 pounds. The hide of the male when full grown is of inky blackness on the back, while the belly is as white as snow.

Speaker 44 The contrast is very striking. The horns are black and spinal in shape and the length average about 18 inches, although they have been known to reach 26 inches.

Speaker 44 They're usually found in herds and are difficult to approach on foot. That's weird.
Most animals would be like, hi.

Speaker 43 Hello.

Speaker 43 Come on.

Speaker 44 Did you bring your gun thing?

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 44 As the bucks toss their heads into the air from time to time in a very graceful manner, and some of them

Speaker 44 are almost sure to detect any attempt at stalking.

Speaker 44 They are at times hunted on horseback, but the usual method, I love how they describe the beautiful animal, and they're like, and here's how we kill it.

Speaker 42 Here's how to kill it.

Speaker 43 You can't appreciate the beauty of something unless you murder it. That's right.

Speaker 43 Back to possessing my wife.

Speaker 44 But the usual method in many sections

Speaker 44 is to use a conveyance very much like the back of a horse, only shorter and made of wood.

Speaker 43 Okay. So

Speaker 42 this is an advertisement to go to India to hunt. No, this is just an article about how great the hunting is in India.

Speaker 44 About how hunting this one animal is.

Speaker 43 How great it is.

Speaker 44 But it took a turn because now the horses are made of wood. So it's not normal anymore.

Speaker 43 I haven't found

Speaker 43 for a while.

Speaker 43 When I was in college, I got

Speaker 43 a research grant and spent a week in the archives at UC Berkeley reading San Francisco newspapers from the 1870s.

Speaker 43 Wow. And

Speaker 43 before like the 24-hour news cycle, and even, you know, before,

Speaker 43 like, when you correspondents would have to mail the thing back, and so there wasn't the expectation that, like, here's today's news. Right.
You know, the newspapers are just filled with like

Speaker 43 dispatches from my time among the yellow Chinese. You know,

Speaker 43 like, someone goes somewhere and then they send a letter and then the whole thing gets printed in the paper. Right.

Speaker 42 So some guy went black buck hunting.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Very early on, I discovered that some papers were using the double E

Speaker 44 when they printed up stories.

Speaker 44 And then they would just use it throughout the story. So it would just be Chinese, and you'd be like, you didn't really have to do that.

Speaker 43 Yeah. You really didn't have to do that.

Speaker 42 We're trying to expand our racist terms.

Speaker 44 Okay, so

Speaker 44 it's on wheels, is drawn by bullocks, and is called a jungle cart. But I don't know why you wouldn't just want to be on a horse.
It seems like it'd be worse to be on a cart.

Speaker 43 A jungle cart? Probably.

Speaker 43 It is very incredibly nimble when you're at navigating the jungle. Yeah.

Speaker 44 It's very close to the ground. And from both sides, project.

Speaker 42 That's the difference. You got a little, it's like a low, it's like a low stage.
You're like laying on it.

Speaker 43 He's sled. I don't know how it's getting pulled.
They're sledding.

Speaker 44 They're sledding. Yeah, they're sledding.

Speaker 44 And from both sides, project flat pieces of wood upon which the feet rest.

Speaker 44 The inside is hollow and holds ammunition and lunch.

Speaker 43 Well, the inside.

Speaker 43 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 43 Whoops. I reached down to get my sandwich and accidentally ate bullets.

Speaker 42 So you're kind of, it feels like you're skateboarding on a kitchen.

Speaker 43 That's the worst.

Speaker 44 A shooting, a a shooting kitchen.

Speaker 42 A fire kitchen.

Speaker 44 It is believed that they take the queer little wooden arrangement on wheels for a plow and consequently are not much alarmed as it draws near them in ever-decreasing circles.

Speaker 44 The bullocks move at the word of command and are accompanied by a shikery or native hunter, and the bucks never seem to fear the inhabitants, doubtless having learned they are without guns and are not to be dreaded.

Speaker 44 Oh, so the

Speaker 44 local natives are friendly with these animals, and now they're bringing in white guys to shoot them.

Speaker 42 Right. So the animals are like, you can trust him.
I know it's strange that he's on a kite board

Speaker 44 eating a sandwich.

Speaker 42 Eating a sandwich with a functioning kitchen behind him.

Speaker 43 Just out here luging through the jungle.

Speaker 42 Yeah, just having a luge hunt.

Speaker 43 With a snack buffet. Yeah.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Just some jungle funions.

Speaker 44 It may now fairly be assumed that Mayor Carter Harrison has entered the presidential field. He has begun to kiss the schoolgirls who visit the World's Fair.

Speaker 43 Well, this guy will get elected.

Speaker 43 He's checking one box.

Speaker 43 All tongue.

Speaker 43 What's my campaign strategy?

Speaker 43 Step one,

Speaker 43 statutory rape. Step two.

Speaker 43 Kissing young girls.

Speaker 42 Future voters.

Speaker 44 This is rather ticklish campaigning. A man is liable to get himself filled with lead for mistaking some fellow's best girl for a school miss.

Speaker 43 What the fuck?

Speaker 42 What does that even mean? That he might end up kissing a child who's actually a wife?

Speaker 42 that's the only slippery slope for molesting a child.

Speaker 44 I feel like they also might be calling like teenage girls, schoolgirls, and teenage girls at that point are very on

Speaker 44 the same. Yeah, very on the menu.

Speaker 42 It's a cool time.

Speaker 44 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 44 John Berry on his chestnut stallion Poison reached the entrance to the World's Fair at 9.30 a.m. Tuesday.
I love that.

Speaker 42 Rolling it on a horse named Poison.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 42 So So, Brett Michaels.

Speaker 43 Deck, deck, a deck, deck, a deck, deck.

Speaker 43 Oh,

Speaker 43 we come from different musical traditions because I went to Bel Biv DeVoe Poison.

Speaker 43 He's just air behind him. Poison.
Poison.

Speaker 43 Poison.

Speaker 44 Winning the great cowboy race, which commenced on the 13th from Chatron, Nebraska, the distance being 1,040 miles.

Speaker 44 The last 150 miles were made in 24 hours, and both horse and rider were completely worn out. More horse, though.

Speaker 43 More horse. Horse, yeah.

Speaker 43 Wait, can I just want to check in that am I correct that we've been reading the newspaper from White Oaks, New Mexico?

Speaker 43 And the only actual White Oaks news that we've, that has been in the White Oaks newspaper is Enoch trying to get his wife back and

Speaker 43 What's his buckets getting stabbed?

Speaker 44 I think that's it, yeah.

Speaker 42 What about Wall Tubs? Was that not?

Speaker 43 No, that was a company in Chicago.

Speaker 44 No,

Speaker 44 there's been ice discussions.

Speaker 43 But that was in Virginia, right? Well, one of them. There have been a couple of people.

Speaker 42 One of them.

Speaker 44 But there's been a couple of where to get your ice.

Speaker 42 You're not wrong to suggest that if you bought this for local information, you'd probably be a little hungry.

Speaker 44 Emmett Albright came in second at 11.15 a.m. and he will contest Barry's claim to winning the race.

Speaker 44 He wants a photo finish.

Speaker 43 Yeah. Like, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 44 One of the greatest feelings of pleasure that falls to the lot of man is experienced when, after waking up with the impression that it is time to rise for the day and lying in bed for some minutes, fighting off drowsiness, he finally looks at his watch and finds he still has four good long hours during which he may sleep.

Speaker 44 This guy has.

Speaker 43 This is a paper.

Speaker 44 He's got insomnia.

Speaker 42 This guy, this is, is that it? Yeah.

Speaker 42 So this is just the passing thought of a guy like, how good is it when you don't have to get up?

Speaker 43 How good is it when you wake up and you think that you have to get up and then you don't have to get up?

Speaker 42 How good is that?

Speaker 43 He's like, really good. Is there news? No.

Speaker 42 No, I just think that is so awesome.

Speaker 43 You imagine that there's somebody in White Oaks reading the paper and being like, man, finally someone blew open this sleeping in story.

Speaker 42 He just leans forward from the paper. Honey, you're not going to believe this.

Speaker 43 He's right.

Speaker 43 It is good to wake up and then fall back asleep.

Speaker 42 To live in a time where you have a watch and yet are not like, there's not enough information to put in the paper.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 42 Sleeping more is this just in sleeping more, awesome.

Speaker 42 Breaking news. Waking up and being able to go back to bed is a huge relief.

Speaker 43 Let's throw to our panel to discuss sleeping more.

Speaker 42 I'm sorry, we have to break in. Hey, how good is water

Speaker 42 when you're thirsty, huh?

Speaker 44 The Chinese rule, a beheaded banker for every broken bank, may yet have to be adopted in America.

Speaker 42 Ugh, what's this taking so long? They're still doing it.

Speaker 44 We've been saying this now for a long time.

Speaker 43 And they're still like mocking a version of it.

Speaker 43 Yeah, they are.

Speaker 44 They still do a version of it.

Speaker 42 They still will execute huge banking criminals.

Speaker 44 Yeah,

Speaker 44 if a CEO of a company is a total criminal, they're like, well, you're going to die.

Speaker 42 They just know what they're doing.

Speaker 44 And yet it still doesn't stop them from being fucking scumpages.

Speaker 42 I know. It's really shocking.
It shows you the...

Speaker 42 We have a problem.

Speaker 42 We have a big problem.

Speaker 43 Yeah, the rich guy.

Speaker 42 If Obama killed two bankers, man, the difference I would have.

Speaker 44 What about just prosecuting two bankers?

Speaker 43 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 42 Or saying he should prosecute two.

Speaker 43 I said this on another podcast, but one of my only conspiracy theories is

Speaker 43 that like

Speaker 43 in the in the 2008 primary, the financial sector got behind Obama early, like in 2007.

Speaker 43 And I believe that in 2007, they knew that the crash of 2008 was coming and were like, we need a black president, otherwise bankers are going to get murdered. When the crash comes.

Speaker 44 Oh, that's fast. That's a really good conspiracy.
That's a really good one.

Speaker 42 Is it? Can you ask the other podcast to edit that out so that's just ours?

Speaker 43 Boy, that's crazy. Because he did.

Speaker 42 He got like more Wall Street money than it was.

Speaker 43 It's like, why is the anti-war guy getting Wall Street money and the economy crashes? And then everyone's mad about the black president. I was like, oh, now.

Speaker 43 There we go. Now I see.
There we go.

Speaker 43 We should be dragging, you know,

Speaker 43 we should line up all of the layman brothers against the wall. You know what I mean?

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Just fold them into the wall like Murphy tubs.

Speaker 43 We should be bathing in Lehman Brothers. Ah, the blood.

Speaker 42 Just put one in a tub and squish them in the wall and the blood just comes out.

Speaker 43 The new Murphy killer.

Speaker 44 Superstitious people see more than a mere coincidence in the fact that on the same day at almost the same hour, the funeral of Edwin Booth, brother of Jay Wilkes, and the falling floors of the old theater in which Lincoln was assassinated occurred.

Speaker 44 Okay, so we did do

Speaker 44 was it a small-up that we did about the

Speaker 42 I don't know.

Speaker 44 We did do we did cover and you know it might have just been an article in a paper.

Speaker 43 Huh.

Speaker 44 The theater in which yeah, I think he was.

Speaker 44 Yeah, it was a paper.

Speaker 44 The theater in which he was executed was turned into like a government building was condemned and they just kept people working in it and for years it had been condemned and then they started working on the basement construction

Speaker 44 instead of the rest of it and then that didn't work because it all collapsed um so that's what he's talking about a bunch of people died but it was right when uh

Speaker 44 Edwin Booth was having his funeral, which is interesting.

Speaker 44 It's an interesting little fact.

Speaker 43 Sure.

Speaker 44 The president,

Speaker 44 oh, sorry. The present Makedo of Japan has abolished the custom of furnishing husbands to all women who have reached a certain age unmarried.

Speaker 43 Furnishing husbands?

Speaker 43 What's a better way to do it?

Speaker 42 I have him on layaway.

Speaker 44 It didn't work out for you.

Speaker 44 I'm sorry. I don't believe that you're gay.

Speaker 44 You now have a husband.

Speaker 42 Here's Greg.

Speaker 43 Hello.

Speaker 43 I'm pretty bad, to be honest with you. I need a lot of work.

Speaker 42 I'm an alcoholic.

Speaker 44 Well, now you're married.

Speaker 43 Hey.

Speaker 44 He must have made the acquaintance of an old maid from America and

Speaker 44 became jealous because his country had none of these delightful old girls.

Speaker 42 Oh, I love being here with you old bags.

Speaker 43 By the way, around

Speaker 42 every night I weep for 40 minutes.

Speaker 42 I have a lot of demons I'm fighting.

Speaker 44 I really don't know what that's saying.

Speaker 43 I mean,

Speaker 42 it sounds like it's saying that expats become furnished wives for older women who are unmarried.

Speaker 42 Now that I'm saying it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, obviously.

Speaker 43 Is it saying I could have married an old woman in America, but I went to Japan where I could be furnished as a husband.

Speaker 44 I think he's saying that our old maids are

Speaker 44 awesome.

Speaker 44 And so when he met some, he was like, well,

Speaker 44 they should be hooking up.

Speaker 44 All the old ladies should be hooking up

Speaker 43 with

Speaker 44 men.

Speaker 43 Right.

Speaker 44 There's no reason to leave them out there to

Speaker 43 rot.

Speaker 44 I mean, why can't a lady just

Speaker 43 go do her own thing, do whatever, do what she wants?

Speaker 44 Can you not just be like, I don't want to get married?

Speaker 43 Can that be?

Speaker 42 Well, we understand no man would have you, so we brought you one.

Speaker 43 Hello.

Speaker 42 What's for dinner?

Speaker 44 Hey, I suck.

Speaker 44 I'm really awful.

Speaker 42 I'm a real piece of shit.

Speaker 43 Who is the person?

Speaker 43 I don't understand how we got from Japan to this guy.

Speaker 44 I don't know.

Speaker 42 I don't know if we know. He just is sort of...

Speaker 44 There's no rhyme or reason for what's going on.

Speaker 42 I mean, we're at the end of a paper where a guy was just, you know, basically just celebrating

Speaker 42 some very stupid shit.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 44 All right, last one.

Speaker 43 Okay, sure.

Speaker 44 Langston and Owen cased their new well six miles north of town

Speaker 44 with some eight-inch pipe that several years ago.

Speaker 42 They had an eight-inch pipe for nearly.

Speaker 43 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 44 That several years ago had been used in roasting gold or in connection with an electrical gold extraction process, but which incidentally failed to extract the gold.

Speaker 42 That's a problem.

Speaker 44 So it seems that the pipes had never been cleaned and had considerable pay dirt encrusted on the inside. So I think what

Speaker 44 we're supposed to realize that the two guys abandoned the mine a long time ago, I think.

Speaker 42 And they never cleaned the pipes, which have gold in them.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Big.

Speaker 44 Which became loosened and fell among the well drillings when the pipes were put down.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 44 Last Monday, George Marquis, a prospector, happened along and liking the looks of the dirt about the drill hole, panned a little of it.

Speaker 44 It showed up rich colors. And the news of the wonderfully rich placers in a section here too.
Oh, sorry, here for here 2-4,

Speaker 44 never given a thought, spread like wildfire. So now people are going fucking crazy.
Yeah.

Speaker 44 There was much excitement for a little while among the natives, but unfortunately, the source of the gold was learned in time to prevent the loss of lots of labor, time, and grub in the vain search for more placer gold.

Speaker 42 So shitty, shitty mine.

Speaker 44 A guy came across some old pipes, and there's no,

Speaker 44 they were thinking it might be new gold. It's not, Gareth.
it's not it's old gold

Speaker 43 you can't get new gold out of old gold nope

Speaker 43 uh

Speaker 43 well

Speaker 42 what an exciting ending to a

Speaker 43 strange ride

Speaker 42 um well uh NATO thank you for helping us find some gold in old pipes that we call the pastimes oh you're welcome and people can find you at MrNATO Green that's right Mr.

Speaker 43 NATO Green Green on Instagram, NATO Green on Blue Sky. NatoGreen.net is allegedly the website.
Okay, allegedly.

Speaker 42 We're not sure yet.

Speaker 42 Well, thank you for joining us, NATO, and we look forward to the release of your dollop, and we won't reveal who that's about, even though there's a nice little tease.

Speaker 43 Great to see you guys. Good to see you.

Speaker 42 All right. Thank you, buddy.

Speaker 42 Some of these days,

Speaker 42 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 42 Some of these days.