136 - The Past Times with James Fritz

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All right, everybody.

Welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, turning champion.

Beast from the Middle East, James

Fritz.

I'm the mayor now, dog.

Yes, hello, James.

Welcome back.

Thanks.

Good to see you boys how are you i'm okay how are you that's good i'm excited sounded real right i'm okay

i'm okay yeah yeah yeah it doesn't sound you don't sound suicidal

no no you sound like you're secure uh james you your album old man yells crowds at crowd

at crowd which is play on words it's such a funny title and the picture is great oh thanks uh you don't know when that's coming out but that will be coming out yeah it's getting finalized as we speak.

You mean you're finishing the material?

Yeah, it should be ready.

Adding a bunch of laughs.

That's allowed, right?

They call that sweetening.

Yeah, I'm going to sweeten this, baby.

Yeah, you should.

I saw you run it early on, and

I'd recommend sweetening that.

Yeah.

Run it into the ground.

Am I the only guy who takes out laughs?

Do you get too many?

I get too many, so I think it's a little much, so I'll always take a couple out.

Yeah, I mean, I think, like,

we don't pander, so I think,

yeah, it doesn't really, it's not really a thing for us.

You hate success?

Yeah, actually, I think.

I mean, the way you do it, yeah.

When you make that face, yeah, I hate it.

Oh, am I just me?

And I say, oh, is that just me?

That's a good one.

Is that like good?

Or is that just me?

By the way, my new special, or is that just me coming out the day before James's?

And my new title of my special is, it's me.

Oh, no, you motherfucker.

Well, James, you know what we do here.

We're going to go.

Clown around.

It's a clown around time.

I'm assuming your house is skunk-free?

No skunks at the moment, yeah.

Okay.

That's cool.

But they raised his red because they got the skunks out.

Well, to be fair, they've given you a...

they've lived up to their end of the bargain of not having skunks in your place.

Yeah, it's been a calendar year.

Might as well

price.

You're moving into the city, I love you're moving into a Winnebago, correct?

Yeah, full of skunks.

By the way, James, we just found out on an episode of The Past Times, Winnebago was actually an Indian tribe, and we've honored them by naming a traveling toilet after them.

That's right.

Isn't that nice?

Because we care.

Yeah, we love them.

It's not nice?

I don't think it's very nice.

I thought it was nice.

That's not okay.

What the fuck?

Bro, we gave you a repair.

Was that one of your comedian rhetorical questions?

You know, I just must muster.

Isn't that nice?

Is that just me?

Is this comedian brain damaged?

Oh, is that just me?

What is that?

It's a giant skunk.

This is skunk.

They raised my rent, so I domesticated mine.

Doesn't look like it wants to be there.

Yeah, they look happy.

He just died.

He's happy.

In a moment, he'll be look at how much he loves the spotlight, though.

James, you know what we do here.

Uh-huh.

We go through a newspaper.

It's old.

You can tell Dave's into it.

He's yawning.

Fuck.

What uh what year you think this fucker's from, man?

Marino.

Yeah, just take a just take a guess seventh

i'm feeling somewhere in the seventh 17

i'm sensing like two sevens

1737

now you can't jump in what our guest is our guest is guessing now he guessed 1737 now you guess a different one i actually agree with him i think it's 1737 no you have to pick you can't pick the same one out of all the let's do months let's do months what month do you think it is in 1737 james i'm guessing guess now well i mean here's the thing is it's right now

February?

I think it's January.

James is right.

It's January.

All right.

Guess what year, James?

Guess what year in January?

Guess what?

Guess what year?

1737.

What day in January?

Say it now.

Say it now, James.

I'm guessing somewhere in the 13ths, 13.

Yes.

How did you do that?

I don't know.

Psychic.

That was amazing.

You know, Dave, is your goal to end the fun warm-up guessing game?

Because we might be at the point now where it can't go on.

I think it's fun when I nail it exactly.

What do you mean?

Where's that?

I got the money.

Just because you're a baby.

Don't be such a bad person.

Where's he from?

USA, baby.

That's where.

Sometimes other people win, Gareth.

Yeah.

You're such a sore loser.

Just let.

Yeah, maybe say.

It's a really weird way to take out aggression.

Maybe play some of those laughs you took out.

Play them for yourself right now.

You need them.

Oh,

I didn't take any out.

I was lying.

I don't know.

Oh, no.

It was just, you know.

What you heard was as sweet as it got.

It wasn't that sweet.

All right, Dave, what's this shit pie called?

The Virginia Gazette, Williamsburg, Virginia, January 13th, 1737.

Hmm.

Times were different.

Yeah, not not a shit pie.

1737, so this should be quite alienating, I would hope.

This is, okay, so this is setting up the story.

So, sir,

London, July 21st.

James, don't answer that.

He's reading from

a paper addressed people back then?

Yes.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm a paper.

Ah, nice to meet you.

I'm a man reading you.

Harvey, are you okay?

Sir, this is said from London, July 21st, 1737.

I send you the enclosed, a very remarkable letter concerning the late cruel usage of a poor old woman in Bedfordshire

who was suspected of being a witch.

By the way, if you were to tell me what's in a 1737 paper,

a bit of witch trial talk, I would imagine.

Yeah.

You will see by it that the late law for abolishing the act against witches has not abolished the credulity of the country people.

But I hope it has made

proper

provision for punishing their barbarity on such occasions.

Wait, is this?

Is he pro or anti-witch?

I think he's anti-witch punishment.

Yes, I think he he is.

Oh, wow.

Which is a very progressive stance.

Yeah.

It really is.

It's like the Bernie Sanders of that time.

Just like, they should not be beaten or drowned.

Witches are people, too.

Give a witch a job and she will stop craft.

So this is.

This will be, hopefully I can read this easy, but remember that the S's look like F's

this time.

For sucks fake.

Yeah.

Sir, the people here are so prejudiced in belief of witches that you would think

yourself in Lapland.

Whoa, I said that.

Telling shit about another place.

That's where they're witches.

You want to be a bitch?

Be sure to take your witches.

Now coming to the broom.

Hey!

Hag.

Hey!

These witches are kind of...

A cat falls out.

Jesus Christ.

That's right.

Do you like that?

No.

There is not a village in the neighborhood but has two or three.

Oh, there's two or three witches in every neighborhood.

Yeah.

Well, that's the census.

Those foolish witches.

Any witches in your house?

About two or three witches.

Ah, it's just me and the two other witches.

All right.

Thank you, ma'am.

Are you guys texting each other?

Yeah.

Is that a problem?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're like, I don't care if it's not, it's not, it's not witchcraft.

It's just a couple of guys.

Yeah.

And why is it nobody?

No.

Hold on a second.

Oh, I'm doing the pastimes with James and Dave.

Yeah, it totally sucks.

Hi.

These guys suck.

Wow.

All right.

Okay, go ahead, guys.

You're doing great, James.

I just was leaving messages to myself throughout the show.

Fuck, that's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Well, you weren't supposed to comment on it.

Sorry.

This is audio only, right?

I can take my shirt off.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's audio only.

Stop spreading the news.

Let's see this much more.

I call it all my tits.

Huey Lewis and the news.

I call my butt the news.

Want to spread it?

We don't need a paper.

I gotta say, I think it's getting in the way.

I'm upset to be here.

About a week ago, I was present at the ceremony of ducking a witch, a particular account of which may not perhaps be disagreeable to you.

An old woman of about 60 years of age had a witch!

Every old woman's a witch.

Yeah, you hit 60, burn.

Excuse me, witch.

Where'd you get those potatoes?

I'm just a regular woman.

Quiet, witch.

I.D., please.

How'd you conjure them?

It says here, you're 60.

Sign of the beast.

Witch.

No.

No.

Had long lain under an imputation of witchcraft, who, being willing

to clear herself, consented to be ducked.

Oh, I'd be ducked.

That's when they were.

I know ducking.

They used to kill women with ducks.

They're witches.

Have you ever heard of a witch ducking?

A witch ducked her?

A witch.

How?

He was a quack.

All right.

Nuts.

I'm sorry.

And the parish officers promised her a guinea if she should sink.

A what?

Wait, wait, wait.

Promised her a what?

A shilling if she sinks.

But wait, witches sink.

That's a good deal.

Is that what had it?

Was it witches sink?

Yeah,

they sink.

Witches float.

I think regular women.

I don't think we've ever had enough fun with how bad of a test that really was.

If she dies from water she's in the clear yep

look it's everybody floats so that that would be the real problem there that's an rem sign so are and they're gonna give a guinea to her if she floats if she sinks if she sinks so if she's not

if she dies

you get on the scuba gear you go down with your guinea yeah so if you drown they flick a guinea at you that's right hey the place.

There you go.

Yeah.

One to grow up.

The place appointed for the operation was in the River Oust by a mill, and there, I believe, 500 spectators.

Wow.

I mean, it's a show.

500.

That's a good draw for

1737.

It's great.

Where are we?

That's a great draw.

That's the Brea Improv.

That's a great draw.

That is.

That's a really good draw.

That's a great draw.

Not enough people show up and they put the curtain behind them.

That way way, it won't seem as bad.

You should have done this on a Friday, Saturday, Tuesday.

It's hard to fill the street.

You just turn into witches anymore.

I don't know.

Ralph Barbozzo was just here, so this is the people.

People are all spent out.

Darren Carver, the witch burner, was just here.

About 11 o'clock in the forenoon, a woman came and was tied up in a wet sheet.

We're in a wet sheet competition.

Ladies!

Ladies!

Welcome to Lapland.

Tonight we're doing wet sheets.

All but her face and hands.

Her toes were tied close together, as were also her thumbs and her hands tied to the small of her legs.

Oh, God.

They fastened a rope about her middle, then pulled off her cap to search for pins.

For the notion is, if they have but one pin about them, they won't sink.

Well, it's science.

Wait, if they have a pin, they'll float?

Like a haircut.

Yeah.

Think about it.

Oh, yeah, now I get it.

For sure.

Didn't take too long to make that connection.

Come on, Bill Nye.

Did you just Dennis Miller Bill Nye?

He did.

Not okay.

Not okay.

You're a modern-day witch.

You should be thrown in a river for what you just did.

Come on, keep up what you place, Bill Night of Saints.

When all preliminaries were settled, she was thrown in, but unhappily for the poor creature, she floated.

Though her head was all the white,

she floated.

Yeah, she was like, I don't want to be a part of this society.

Though her head was all the while underwater.

Upon this, there was a confused cry.

A witch, a witch, hang her, drown her.

She's drowning, Frank.

She's already drowning.

Pick a death, too.

Hang her, drown her.

Light her on fire.

Light her on fire and throw her in the water.

Those are actually lagger heads.

Light her on fire and make her jump over a bunch of horses.

Jesus Christ, I'm just old.

Shut up, witch.

Goddamn witch won't quit talking.

Stick a pen in it.

Stick a pen in her.

She's a witch.

She was in the water about one minute and a half and was then taken out half drowned when she had

the doctor.

If I pronounce you half drowned, this lady

is clearly half drowned.

This woman is not a witch and is half drowned.

She needs mouth to

When she had recovered breath, the experiment was repeated twice more.

Oh my gosh.

Jesus Christ.

She's okay.

I think I'm okay.

All right.

So just two more, just to piece.

My day is not going so bad.

Yeah.

Could be worse.

I could have been drowned three times.

Yeah.

A half drowning.

two more times.

So one and a half amount to a really 1.5 drowning.

But with the same success, for she floated each time.

Successful.

She's doing great.

You're doing so good, old lady.

I'm very old, and that's the problem.

You're doing so good.

I'm starting to think you're real.

Yeah, three more times.

My bones are light.

Yeah, well, that's probably helping you right now.

You ain't sinking, which is sink.

So two more.

You're one away from freedom, old lady.

Is this the original three strikes?

Your outro?

For she floated each time, which was a plain demonstration of guilt to the ignorant multitude.

The third flow.

Wow, she's floating the third time.

I think she's really had to be lonely to be a newspaper man during the

you guys are all insane.

Yeah, he's calling his readers the ignorant.

What's that word mean?

For notwithstanding the poor creature was laid upon the grass, speechless and almost dead, they were so far from showing her any pity or compassion that they strove who should be the most forward in loading her with reproaches.

I don't know what that means.

Like someone had to go over.

She's a shit after this?

Or I would think someone has to go over and be like, hey, way to go.

You're okay.

She's like,

she's not.

She's a witch.

She's going to self-apologize.

No, she's not okay.

She's a witch.

No, she's a witch.

Alex, she is.

Okay.

But she's on the grass now.

Such is the dire effect of popular prejudice.

As for my part, I stood against the torrent, and when I had cut the strings which tied her, had carried her back to the mill and endeavored to convince the people of uncertainty of the experiment and offered to lay five to one that any woman of her age so tied up in a loose sheet would float but all to no purpose for I was near being mobbed so his way of proving how wrong it was was he suggested to drown a younger woman no

he didn't even suggest it he was like I would

they're crazy people I'll prove you how cruel you are get me a teen

and I didn't realize they threw her in a sheet in there so that that wrapped her up like a mother.

The possibility of drowning is very high.

Very high.

Yeah.

The trick is not to load her in face down.

Yeah.

And it's much higher if you do, like if you're not a witch and you sink, you're dead.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, there's really, it's very, it's,

they've come up with a really good system if you want to kill women.

Yeah.

And a scant.

And a scant 200 years later, they got the vote.

We'll We'll finally allow them to work.

Sometime after the woman came out, and one of the company happened to mention another experiment to try a witch.

No, no, we're going to do it a different way.

But now,

which was to weigh her

if she bleeds, she's a woman.

There we go with the body image

against

the Bible.

For it seems a witch could not outweigh a Bible.

Oh my God.

We're not that far.

Think about it, gentlemen.

I really am having trouble thinking about it.

This will come back soon.

I think we're a year away from this Bible wait.

If that.

That'll be determining if someone commits if an illegal immigrant committed a crime or not.

Right.

And then, like, the really rich witches will show up with a 180-pound Bible.

Yeah.

And be like, see?

Yeah.

Sell them the heavy Bible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I immediately seconded that motion as thinking it might be of service to the poor old woman and made use of an argument which

had

some weight with the people.

For I told them, if she was a witch, she certainly dealt with the devil.

And as the Bible was undoubtedly the word of God, it must weigh more than the works of the devil.

This seemed reasonable to several.

To separate.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

I was weighing evil the other day.

This old track.

Yeah, I got a bunch of evil the other day.

And those that did not think so could not answer it.

Yeah, because that's the other problem.

It's like you're like, if you have a brain, you're like,

I got to shut the fuck up.

But that's so stupid.

Talked about.

Yeah, if you well, actually, these guys.

Yeah.

That sounds like a witch got you.

Yeah.

Witch got your tongue.

Yeah.

Wrap him up, boys.

We got to.

Weigh him against the Bible.

See if he's got real knowledge or witch thoughts.

At last, the question was carried, and she was weighed against the Bible, which weighing about 12 pounds, she outweighed it.

By the way, what?

What the fuck?

A 12-pound Bible is.

Damn.

Yeah, but back to me.

it a few times?

Well, there weren't a lot of Bibles.

There was probably just one in the church because they didn't have a bunch of

churches.

You didn't want people absconding with it, so you had to make it heavy.

And now we're such a rich land, we have the sequel in hotel drawers.

Yeah.

This country's doing good.

Yeah.

We need heavier Bibles, though.

Yeah, I agree.

I agree.

I don't know when our Bibles got so light.

Well, they woked the weight.

They woke the Bible.

They woke the way.

This convinced some and staggered others, but some who believed

through thick and thin went away fully assured that she was a witch and endeavored to include that belief into all others.

Well, I mean, he saved a witch.

Right.

So she

survived all this?

Yeah, he saved a woman from being murdered by a town.

By using like dumb logic.

He was like, I think she would probably be lighter than the Bible if she was a witch.

And people are like, that's pretty good.

Yeah,

I got no holes I can see in her.

That's pretty good.

If you tie a balloon to her knee

and she flows.

She flows.

She's a witch.

Yeah, keep it going over there, Bill Nye, the science guy.

Dennis Miller's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather stop.

Just saying, guy.

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From the Gentleman's Magazine for August 1737.

Finally, a little class.

Little whacking material.

Yes.

Maxim.

Dear Maxim.

Dear FHM, my wife's a witch.

Sir, reading your magazine for July, the deplorable condition of the wretches who eat one another.

And

that must have been a hell of a story.

I kind of want to read that one.

Yeah.

People are eating each other.

Yeah.

Regarding the people who eat each other.

Yes.

In response to the eating people thing.

We've gotten a lot of mail about the eating people thing.

I ate my friend the other day, and it's not that crazy.

Thank you very much.

And first cause, it induced me to write to you the following remedy for a leak in a ship.

Okay, so it was a ship.

It was a shipwreck, and they'd eat each other.

So that happened.

Oh, okay.

Okay, all right.

That's fine.

So being practical, you're like, if you don't want to have to

eat people, people, this is how you fix a ship.

No, I'm good eating the people you want it to have.

Yeah, well, as a matter of fact,

I'm the one who shot a hole in the boat.

Not thinking it is known to practice, but can assure it was tried with success on His Majesty's ship Antelope

above 20 years ago.

Let a small net be made with the

I can't read that.

Messi's missiles, four or five inches diameter and filled with oakum.

With proper weights,

oakum, like the oakum ridge boys, oh, yeah, yeah.

With proper weights just enough to sink it, let it gently be hauled fore and aft for the outsides of the ship, and it will quickly find out the leak.

Huh?

You lost me.

You lost me when you stopped talking about eating people, to be honest.

Yeah, I'm still thinking about that.

Yeah, is there more about that?

Yeah, I know how to fix a hole.

Put a witch in it.

Yep.

I mean, if it's being a witch in time, saves nine.

Whatever.

This is a genius idea, and you guys are just mocking it.

Okay, whole boy.

Say it again.

I'm not going to say it again because it won't.

Why don't you say it one more time there, Mr.

Bill Nye, the science guy?

uh by the violence

go ahead go ahead magellan how you fixing a hole in your boat what are you the beatles

and it was what yeah that's exactly what he used to do fixing a hole where the rain crept in oh we all live in that my mind from wandering by the way haven't you heard i covered magical mystery tour

it will quickly find out the leak by violence of the suction and the oakum continually drawing through the

I still can't read that, messels, meshes, meshes of debt.

It will flop it, it will stop it, and rub it down.

Yeah, girl.

And stick shast until proper means can be used to do it more effectually.

Shastamic Napoleon.

If you please, if you please.

Do not.

You are

not.

Do

shast to me.

That's literally for me, I think.

That's the only person who's like, that was pretty good.

You're bad.

Jasmine McNaspy.

I'm trying to do older references than the newspaper today.

Shasta McNassy.

Sorry.

Until proper means can be used to do it more effectually.

If you please to publish this for the good of my countrymen who use the seas, you will oblige.

So it's just a guy writing in a letter.

It's like, look, we don't need to be eating each other.

Let's fix the ship.

Yeah, well, all right.

Good stuff.

It's like a city council meeting.

The paper was just like the city council where people would just show up and just be like, I don't think you should be able to kill your neighbor with wood.

I'm against it.

All right, thank you, sir.

Sir, I am clerk of a church.

It's got to be clerk.

It's a K-L-A-R-K.

That's got to be clerk, right?

Clerk.

I'm a clerk.

A clerk?

I am clerk of a church.

I am clerk of church.

Clerk, the clerk of the church.

Okay, this might be

Dennis Miller doing a chicken.

Clark-a-doodle-dook.

It's time to wake you up.

Okay, so this is racist, so I'm going to.

Do it in Dennis Miller's voice, then.

I am clerk of a church, and I am to read the laws about fornication and black people two times in the year in the church

okay which yeah this seems like church this seems like church

this should happen in a church absolutely yeah yeah

which laws are written hand which i can't read with

but i have opinions on black people here we go so he is the clerk of a church and he can't read so that's the problem yeah is that an issue for a church clerk i mean it's all misspelled like you can barely read what he's saying that's good um and i which which I can't read without some gentle folks

laugh at my blunders.

I have

seen

this.

I have seen your gaffer and can read in it as well as the Bible, for it is written in printing hand.

And

does Sir you well fend

send the laws in that hand by,

boy he's really uh illiterate or

or give me an order upon the next justice to tear it out of his book for use in the church or pay my fine or

this is the guy who's like trying to get people into the church no he he is he's like the second he's not

of the church yeah but that's not helpful to be

well he should be able to read and write as the clerk yeah i mean it's not a great like, it's not a, it's not doing, uh, it's not a great ad.

Yeah, your whole thing is based around reading the one book.

Yeah.

Maybe he memorized the book.

Maybe that's why it's so heavy.

It was like terribly written.

He was like, I kept the typos.

It's all pictures.

That's why it's so heavy.

It's 8 million pages.

Flip it fast.

And he has been asked to read.

He's been asked to read some laws, but he can't read.

So now he's asking them if he can get help or tear a page from the bible can i no don't do that i just rip this one out is that okay

or or if they will pay his fine uh

yeah that's it so he's any of this about god no

he signs it your unknowing friend now watch me rip this bible in half as a feat of strength

Oh, that was sad.

It's strange.

Yeah.

And

racist?

and racist

only a little i mean i'm not gonna be the guy on your demo you feel bad for the illiterate racists

really do you want me to read it the way it was written because it's

yeah i do i mean

it gets you and then i want that to be a clip and then take my face no dave go for it dave yeah yeah go ahead dave tee off buddy read it with passion

Don't be afraid to really hit the words.

Yep.

Do your best character work.

Keep reading it.

I can't find out the design of the above letter unless it be to expose the ignorance of a parish clerk or to show the necessary of the vestries being furnished with the printed body of laws.

There may be many laws in force which the minister or clerk are enjoined to read in the churches under severe penalties on failure.

I can't oblige my new correspondent with an order on any justice of the peace to tear his book, but if he can prevail on his vestry to be at the expense of purchasing a complete body of the laws of this colony, I will undertake

to supply them.

Well, okay, so

he's saying he's going to help him out.

He's going to help him out.

Oh, okay.

That's all we could have just said that.

So the racist is getting helped.

Yeah.

Did you see how into it James was?

James used to really.

That's the clip.

It felt like Do Dennis Miller.

It felt like the bagat part of hearing like Bible stories where I just checked out.

Yeah, I checked out a little bit.

Hey, I'm more checked out than a library book on this one.

Something like that.

Yeah.

More checked out than Bob's big boy.

I'm doing more checking out than the electronic checkout at the grocery store.

I'm more checked out than

Andrew Guamo's mistress sister last night.

I'm more checked out than a beautiful set of legs at a construction site in Manhattan right now.

I'm more checked out than the first album cover by the specials.

Fucking A, these are deep but accurate.

Yeah,

that's

I'm more checked out than Slovakia.

More checked out than they watching us do this bit

another time.

Last week, Mr.

Samuel Lane died of apoplexy at Exeter.

He's an attorney worth about $30,000.

Okay.

Damn, that's a lot for back then, I assume.

Richard died.

That's a lot.

Yeah.

He got his money in such a way that he has had more curses bestowed on him than there are farthings in the above sum.

Oh, so they're very convinced that he's horribly cursed.

He's a piece of shit lawyer.

Like, he's just a shit asshole.

Yeah, cursed all the way to the bank.

This old man used to say that old age and matrimony were two of the most damnable things that were ever invented.

Wow.

I think old age was invented.

Yes, it was.

I wanted to be a baby forever.

And then someone had to go and make time.

And then they made aging the law.

Why the hell did we do this?

This is crazy.

We could be a bunch of fucking babies.

How cool would that be?

And it's not crazy to say because we would all be the same age.

It would be fine to fuck.

What?

Order in the court.

Order.

Hold on.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Hold on.

I'm the first libertarian.

Let me get it back on track.

I'm saying in the land of babies, old age doesn't exist.

They would be having sex with each other, and that would be fine.

And it's baby on baby.

I can see there's still a lot of blank stay.

No, no, no.

No, I'm still.

I'm saying what I'm saying.

Don't say it again and louder and lean into the mic.

Be clear.

If everyone was one, having sex with each other wouldn't be strange.

It'd be hot.

It's only creepy because I'm a grown man.

What?

I had to unmute him because that was just going really bad.

Well, you guys had a nice run.

I foresee how the podcast has been canceled.

I'm back, baby.

And talkier than ever.

That's what he says to the one-year-old.

I had a little time to reflect on what I said, and there's something I'd like to say.

Okay.

I'm doubling down.

Yeah.

Now, when I talk about it, I'm dressing like a baby.

How are you, baby?

Wait.

No, no.

In real life, you're gonna dress like a baby and talk about babies.

But I make this point looking like a baby in a diaper and a bonnet.

You think this will help your point?

I think I'm going down with the ship like a baby.

Plug a hole in the ship.

Okay?

What I said is fine.

The babies are all witches.

Don't try to co-op my point.

Stand by what I said.

Go ahead.

What did you say again?

I said.

The letters in his name made these words.

Sue all men, which was very true of him.

Wow.

And tis said he was so well pleased with it that he gave the person five, whatever, pens or whatever, who first invented it.

Sue all men?

Sam.

Sue all men.

Yeah.

His name's Sam.

Hashtag sue all men.

Sue Allman Euel.

Very creative.

Wow, it must have been hell to be alive back then, huh?

I mean, it's not great.

Must have been absolute fucking hell.

Yeah, it was a lot of book-based violence.

It's just like, everything's fucking crazy, and they're fun escapes.

You were like, yeah, I saw that coming.

All right.

It seems hard to trust your neighbor back then.

Yeah, absolutely.

Anytime two or more people are gathered, you'd have to be like, Are they about to throw me into water?

You literally could never be like, Can I tell you something?

Like, that's nothing you know.

You'd always just be like, I agree, God did give us corn.

And then you just go to your room and be like, What the fuck is going on?

We need to get a third book in this town.

Yeah, this town needs a third book so bad.

And then that's a bit more checked out than the third book.

The Protestants are in great consternation on account of nine letters de cachet having been sent here to take away nine young damsels, daughters of good merchants and trademen of this town.

This is like a magical realm.

What the fuck is going on?

So they're...

This is not a real city.

No.

They're sending.

Oh, so letters come and it's like, look, we need your daughters.

We need your daughters.

Okay.

All right.

What are we going to do?

Yep.

That's that.

We had a good run.

Five have already been taken.

Two Miss Grovels, Miss Greel,

I can't read that.

Miss Levelyn and Miss Cape.

Letters de cachet have likewise been sent to Rowan Balbeck

and C.

Rowan Bubbe.

Where this will end, God almighty knows.

When they have thus taken the children of Protestants, they oblige the parents parents to pay such a yearly sum to the convent or monastery into which they are put as the prosecutors think fit.

And this they call paying for the children's board.

Whatever is required must be paid, and the sum required seldom fails in being extraordinary.

So they just take girls to be nuns and then they charge the parents and they got it, and they're like, yeah, you're paying $7,000 a year, and then we have her here.

Oh,

it's either that or which.

None or witch.

You get two choices.

Two bad options, but at least she lives.

Yeah, what a life.

Yeah.

It doesn't it seem weird 1730s?

It feels like this should be like 1400s, but it's 1730s.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's shocking.

But the Salem witch trials were like at this time.

Yeah.

It's really expecting to start reading about elves and shit.

It would not surprise me at all.

We've talked about this before.

We fully expect fairies to come into

political campaigns in the next 10 to 15 years.

I talked to

the good fairy Mary, and she has assured me that she would be Secretary of State if I were to be elected.

Charleston, South Carolina, September 10th.

The sloop John and Thomas William Wilkinson master from this port bound to New Providence after being several days at sea and then about 40 leagues from any land met with sudden squalls of thunder when a flash of lightning struck the mast splitting it all to pieces then went through the part partners of the deck struck out three planks below the bend on the starboard bow which caused the vessel to fill immediately and obliged all the people on board, being seven in number, to take to their boat in order to save their lives.

I just hurt someone's stomach.

Whose stomach was that?

It was mine.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I had a gurgle, and it wasn't even my stomach.

It was like my esophagus.

I'm sorry, James.

I'm sorry, Dave.

I am a witch.

It sounds like you got worms and snakes in your throat.

I have a serpent esophagus.

Hang him upside down from a tree and tickle his nose with an oxtail.

Punch him in the stomach a bunch, and if he dies, he was a man.

He shall swallow a whole fish.

No one killed 40 eggs.

Feed him 40 eggs.

Jesus Christ, he's pounding those.

You can't even make cool hand Luke in this economy.

We're not going to do that.

What?

We're not going to coolhand Luke this economy again.

Whoa.

You little coy bastard.

In this little boat, they were exposed several days to the mercy of the seas and weather.

Crofing the Gulf.

Oh, crossing the Gulf.

Sorry.

That makes more sense.

I love crofing the Gulf.

That's what just happened in my throat.

Croft the Gulf.

The Acrophagus.

Crossing the Gulf where they filled sundry times so that the greatest number were obliged to quit the boat whilst the others freed her from the water till on Monday last they arrived safe in this harbor.

Oh, everything worked out.

Yep, everyone's fine.

Nobody had to eat anybody else.

There was definitely one guy who was like, shit.

Probably going to need to make shanks out of each other.

Look at you, Bob.

We can see the land.

Dibs on Bob.

Yeah.

I'm going to shank.

I'm just saying, things could go wrong really fast.

What if we get tired swimming that whole mile?

Let me eat Ted and then we'll go.

Just, I need my strength.

I'm worried I'm not going to be able to make the journey.

By the way,

I heard he's a lawyer.

And a spectator.

Anyone?

New York.

Yeah.

On Wednesday, yeah.

New York.

On Wednesday last near 11 o'clock at night, we felt an earthquake here.

The first since we.

A witch queefed.

Jesus Christ.

A witch has queefed.

The land shook

How the fuck do they believe in earthquakes in a time of

crazy

It's so weird to be like here's what happened.

Yeah

the plates in the ground were rubbing against each other

Also, there's a chance Diane did it with that big stick

I believe she has a black heart and spells in her belly.

I believe this woman can fly and in Pangea.

You see, land slowly moved away from each other and that explains why certain areas have similar species.

Also, that woman birthed a demon

two nights ago.

The first sense we had of it was like a strong gale of wind, which increased till it began to resemble the noise of coaches swiftly driven, which continued and increased till it came to the place where it was felt.

Here we had

first one single shock and after an intermission of a few seconds, a violent tremor, which continued upwards of a minute.

By the noise, it seemed to move from the westward to the east.

We hear from Rheinbeck that it was felt there and that some houses were somewhat damaged at and about Phillipsburg, also upon Long Island.

But as yet, we have heard of no considerable damage.

That was like in modern-day

arguably better than what we'll be dealing with in like five years,

like far more accurate with tremors.

Yeah.

And then also, this paper started with which sheets.

Lost sometime in August last a silver snuff box, gilt on the inside and a coat of arms engraved on the lid being three tiger's heads and the crest of a lion rampant.

Whoever brings it to Mr.

Thomas Hall in Prince George County or to the printer of this paper shall have half a pistol reward.

Half a pistol.

Which half?

What's a pistol?

The handle.

What do I have to do for the whole pistol, asshole?

I don't know.

What is a pistol?

I got half a pistol.

I got half a pistol if you bring back my fancy spit box.

There you go.

Yeah.

You got my nosebacker?

Here you go.

Take a barrel.

Can't you just use like an old Dr.

Pepper can like my dad used to?

A gilded three-lion thing for your fucking tobacco spit.

Yeah.

Oh, it's so my son doesn't accidentally drink out of it.

The guy with the cool Zippo.

You ever go in for a tasty Dr.

Pepper and it's your dad's spit?

I've done the cigarette putts.

You ever done that?

Yeah, good.

I've done that like probably six times in my life.

And every time, and probably like three times told people.

And the other three, I was like,

yeah, yeah.

Don't hide it, hide it, hide it, hide it, hide it.

Yeah, that was basically college.

Just drinking cigarettes.

Price one shilling, ten and a half.

What was it, Dave?

What was it?

Pistole or whatever.

Oh, it's a gold coin.

Oh, pistole.

Half a pistole.

It's the French word for a Spanish coin.

That's right.

We took a pistole, huh?

Price one shilling.

That's the right word for it.

Like if someone took your urine, is pistole.

Stop.

Price ten shillings one

oh well this is fun

I've actually been reading some controversial thoughts from across the pond

imagine the pyramid of toddlers huh if they're all the same age why is it gross that's all I'm saying

you only grossed out by it because you know what it is today but if you had no idea it would be fine

what

uh price is one shilling ten and a half D.

What's D?

D is dollars?

You're the, Gareth, you're the English guy.

What's a D?

Duckets, mate.

Ducket.

Ducket?

Yeah, it's a ducket.

Yeah, it is.

Fuck off.

Why'd you come to me for information if you don't know what you're wearing?

Oh, I thought D was for Dano.

Danny.

No one's helpful.

Poems on several occasions, never before printed by a gentleman of Virginia, price 15D.

I ain't paying for for fucking Virginia columns.

This guy just put an ad in the paper and he's like, hey, I wrote some poems.

No, that's a male.

Virginia ones.

Yeah.

We wager poems against the Bible.

Poems lose.

Damn it.

Bible's undefeated.

Yeah.

The heaviest object known to man.

Okay.

Not being able to speak up.

Nothing's heavier than the Bible.

Jamaica is remarkable for earthquakes.

The inhabitants, Dr.

Sloan informs us, expect one every year.

That author gives us a history of one in 1687.

Another horrible one in 1692 is described by several anonymous authors.

In two minutes' time, it shook down and drowned nine-tenths of the town of Port Royal.

Wow.

the houses sunk outright 30 or 40 fathoms deep.

Oh, it's a fathoms deep.

I can't even imagine how deep it is.

That's one fathom.

Everyone stop.

James, get back here.

I was thinking about it.

The earth opening swallowed up people as if, and they rose in

other streets.

Some so some were some were kicked up and some went down.

The earthquake shot some people.

What kind of fault is that, Gareth?

Go ahead and tell the...

Oh.

It's a...

Who muted me?

Strike Slip?

Strike Slip?

Yeah.

Nah, it's a...

Yeah, it's a...

Stalag.

Stalagmite?

Yeah.

Stlagmite.

Stalagmite.

Might...

Though there were 2,000 people lost and 1,000 acres of land sunk,

that's a lot of people for them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a lot of land, too.

I mean,

all the houses were thrown down through the island.

One Hopkins had his plantation removed half a mile from its place.

No, that's not that.

No.

Don't lie to us.

Now you're lying.

Now you've got to.

Well, I guess we've relocated.

The earthquake moved us.

All the wells from one fathom to six or seven, the water flew out at the top of a v it with a vehement motion, while the houses on the one side of the street were swallowed up.

On the other, they were thrown on heaps.

And the sand in the street arose like waves in the sea, lifting up everybody

that stood on it and immediately dropping down onto its it looks like piss, but that can't be piss.

It looks like piss.

All the places landed on the piss.

Yep.

That's an old newspaper.

That's an old journalist joke, end joke they like to do to see if people are still reading.

You just end the story with piss.

And

we'll see who catches this.

Is anyone reading?

There was piss.

It was piss.

Yeah, it was piss.

You've read this far.

Piss.

Piss.

Letters from Venice say that at the Pope's request, one Ragonioto, a native of Ancona, and a darling

goo goo, do you like me?

Was apprehended.

Baby cop.

That's right, ma'am.

Baby cop.

I mean, I just can't imagine the life that you've created.

Every time you see a baby, you're going to ask him he's a cop.

What have you done?

No.

You guys.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

In my version of the baby.

You're like, give me your bad number, and they're like, it's this mini.

Wait a minute.

BPD.

Baby police department.

No, the idea for the last time is that everyone's a baby.

Yeah, no, we got it.

But then why are you asking?

Well, they're going to have to procreate in the land of babies.

I got the idea of your dream scenario.

No.

So why are you asking if babies are cops?

Yeah.

If you're already in your perfect fantasy land, why are cops even there?

I thought you were ACAB.

Someone's trying to ruin Utopia.

ABAB.

APAB.

ABAC.

All babies are cops.

Until proven otherwise, that's how you got to operate.

Tell you what, this town's got to shit.

It's real ABAC.

Okay, so this guy was apprehended at the square of St.

Mark, who, tis said, has already murdered 49 persons with his own hands and threatened Cardinal's.

Al Poroni and several clergymen.

Well, that guy's

awesome.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

He's a go-getter.

He's a go-getter.

Yeah.

What, James?

You don't like the murder?

I don't not like it.

Wait, what's cool to say?

I love murder.

Murder is awesome.

Peer pressure.

Say it.

I think everyone should be murdered if they think differently than me.

Is that the right?

That's right, right?

It's correct.

You're going to fit in today's world.

Great.

Now you're mayor of New York.

There we go.

Extract from

extract of a letter from Ellie dated July 5th.

On Friday last, Mary Bird, contempt for the murder of her husband by poison, was brought on a sledge and burnt in view of.

Wow,

I just didn't expect that.

I just wasn't expecting that.

Burnt in view always hits.

Burnt in view.

It's very.

On a sledge.

Yeah.

We're not even making up a fun test for this lady.

No, just

put her on a slab and burn her in front of the burner.

And burnt in view of many thousands of spectators whose curiosity inclined them to the site of an execution so uncommon in this country.

And

as there was something extraordinary in the woman, I have sent you particular account of her as follows.

Blood!

So much red blood.

Or devil's juice.

The devil's Kool-Aid.

Her behavior while under

condemnation was something remarkable for her.

Was she very strange when she was ablaze?

Very whiny, yelly, complainy.

I wouldn't be that way.

It was very weird.

Very unladylike.

Just turned to her husband.

Was she always like this?

How'd she put up the wood?

It's crazy.

How'd you put up with this?

Fucking neck, neck, neck.

She got that voice, Dan.

Talk about shrill.

The pain, the pain.

We get it.

We're all in pain.

Wow.

Her passion for

day, her gallant, was strong.

She could not hear the very rattling of his irons without being all of a fire, which passion, she said, had frequently assaulted her when she was engaged in her deepfelt and most solemn devotions.

Okay, so whatever.

God is like going into her and oh, nice.

Yeah, it's a God thing.

It's a god.

Oh, yeah.

What?

She's really into God.

I don't.

Well,

the high

bailiff.

finally

the high bailiff finding no likelihood of her being brought to a true sense of the horrid crime she had been found convicted of, tell her a gallant

was removed,

gave orders to the jailer.

What is going on?

Can I be your clerk?

How many counts does a fathom?

Jesus Christ, Goofus.

Gave orders to the jailer for his immediate discharge out of prison and briefly forbid his ever being admitted to the sight of her again.

After this, she seemed to show some signs of real penance and owed not only the fact itself and the justice of the sentence which had been parsed on her,

and also declared that she had given the potion in warm ale but not in hasty pudding as commonly reported

and they believed in earthquakes

this is how second city started

but she gave him the first half

Hasty pudding, but she gave him the first half ounce for which she immediately felt the pangs of conscience and

wished sincerely that it might not have the expected effect.

That her method of giving was thus.

She

mixed the arsenic with brown sugar and then put in the ale and gave it to him.

Hey, this sugary drink has a weird little flavor to it.

You won't mind a shit.

This is a really weird sugary beer.

Just have another sip.

It's really good once you get past the top and the middle.

It's got a strong chemically taste that just feels covered up by just pieces of

sugar.

You want more sugar, you say?

I guess.

Or more points.

There you go.

I mean, I said too much.

Wait, what?

More sugar.

Yeah, okay.

Some of her friends taxed her with having formally murdered two of her bastard children.

Jesus Christ.

You killed your bastards.

But she declared.

Who's going to grow up to play the blues?

But she declared that

to the last that the

accusation was false and that she never had been guilty of even the intention of murder, except the fact for which she was to suffer.

It was remarkable that even when she

shewed the most evident signs of true acceptance, She

preserved a boy, this is hard.

Okay.

She was carried to the stake in a garment made of sackcloth covered with pitch.

Beautiful.

Oh, so it'll burn.

So it'll burn better.

Yeah.

Nice sack.

And it was observed that when she was going to receive her punishment, she turned aside her pitched cap and cast her eyes among the spectators.

Her countenance was at that time cheerful and bespoke a great deal of resignation.

She spoke little at the stake.

I mean, what's there to say at that point?

Well, yeah, at that point, you're just like.

Did I ever tell you guys about the weirdest sleepover I was a part of?

All that time had to say she

compromised briefly and addressed herself to the spectators in the following manner.

That she deserved the punishment she was going to suffer, that she freely forgave all the evidences against her, but that her

well, this isn't fun.

I want to say that we want you screaming while you're going, no, no, I didn't do it, but we know you were.

Resignation is not hot.

No, it's not.

No, I guess we should kill you on the slab, but now we feel

cut her down.

She said she hoped that all women would take warning of her shameful end oh some ally i don't know maybe

yeah we'll see i'm everyone

yeah

um how about i want to end it with an ad sure or piss wheel county february 3rd ran away from the subscriber on the 21st of last month a convict servant man named edward ornsby he is irish

of low stature.

He is Irish of low stature.

Has an impediment in his speech.

He had on.

I'm Irish.

Give me a lisp, Garrett.

Garrett.

I've come from a different country.

It's called Ireland.

It's not too close and it's not too far.

There you go.

That's not bad, is it?

Why are you looking at me like that, James?

It's not that bad.

Okay.

I heard it was low stature.

Well, it's a bit of low stature.

It's all all the kids.

He had on when he...

Wait, he had on.

Shop.

Just be quiet, you.

You know, you're not white in this country yet.

1770 is true.

Yeah.

Well, that's very true.

No wonder so many people online have come after me for doing this thing.

Now you've made this whole thing feel a bit racist.

That's not nearly as fertile of front.

Not nearly as fertile of front.

He had on when he went away a green drugget coat lined with two sorts of

shalloon and a drugget waistcoat of two sorts and a gray colored pair of breeches.

He is a tailor by trade.

It is supposed he has gone away in the company with a mulatto woman known by the name of Anne Rilly, Rilly,

who being whipped last court held for the county of King George, they possibly have on the marks of her back.

And it is supposed he has changed his clothes and wears a whitish-colored broadcloth.

Whoever will bring said servant to me shall have two

something reward.

What an

court, so he ran away with her.

Yeah, as you should have.

Well done, sir.

Yeah.

I hope he escaped and never found him.

Brought to you by Ginger Beer.

Drink it.

Oh, shit.

Well, James, thank you for another joyful ride through

the nightmare.

That was

a spooky one.

That was spooky.

That was strange.

That felt like a Halloween episode.

Maybe we'll save it.

Old Man Yells at Crowd is coming up soon.

Where will you be posting about it?

Fritz is dead.

Instagram.

Yeah, follow me on Instagram.

Fritz is dead.

X is really fun now.

X is fun.

X is back.

I like Friday.

X is back, baby.

So is comedy.

That's why you did it.

Instagram, yeah, follow me there.

I guess.

The main.

Why am I still talking?

This.

That's better.

Oh, God.

This episode's over.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What's up, doll heads?

Join the Gare Force.

Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

That's right, I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois.

Two shows, a 7:15 and a 9:30.

But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th, Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September 16th.

Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th.

And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.

on September 21st.

I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th.

Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th.

Appleton, Wisconsin, October October 1st, Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd, two shows.

And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.

And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at RoosterTFeers.

Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Join me.

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