136 - The Past Times with James Fritz

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Speaker 38 All right, everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Speaker 38 Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 38 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, turning champion.

Speaker 38 Beast from the Middle East, James

Speaker 38 Fritz. I'm the mayor now, dog.
Yes, hello, James. Welcome back.
Thanks. Good to see you boys how are you i'm okay how are you that's good i'm excited sounded real right i'm okay

Speaker 39 i'm okay yeah yeah yeah it doesn't sound you don't sound suicidal

Speaker 38 no no you sound like you're secure uh james you your album old man yells crowds at crowd

Speaker 38 at crowd which is play on words it's such a funny title and the picture is great oh thanks uh you don't know when that's coming out but that will be coming out yeah it's getting finalized as we speak.

Speaker 38 You mean you're finishing the material? Yeah, it should be ready. Adding a bunch of laughs.
That's allowed, right? They call that sweetening. Yeah, I'm going to sweeten this, baby.

Speaker 39 Yeah, you should.

Speaker 39 I saw you run it early on, and

Speaker 39 I'd recommend sweetening that.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Run it into the ground. Am I the only guy who takes out laughs?

Speaker 38 Do you get too many? I get too many, so I think it's a little much, so I'll always take a couple out.

Speaker 39 Yeah, I mean, I think, like,

Speaker 39 we don't pander, so I think,

Speaker 39 yeah, it doesn't really, it's not really a thing for us.

Speaker 38 You hate success?

Speaker 38 Yeah, actually, I think.

Speaker 39 I mean, the way you do it, yeah.

Speaker 38 When you make that face, yeah, I hate it. Oh, am I just me? And I say, oh, is that just me? That's a good one.
Is that like good?

Speaker 38 Or is that just me?

Speaker 38 By the way, my new special, or is that just me coming out the day before James's? And my new title of my special is, it's me.

Speaker 38 Oh, no, you motherfucker.

Speaker 38 Well, James, you know what we do here. We're going to go.
Clown around.

Speaker 38 It's a clown around time.

Speaker 38 I'm assuming your house is skunk-free? No skunks at the moment, yeah. Okay.
That's cool.

Speaker 39 But they raised his red because they got the skunks out.

Speaker 38 Well, to be fair, they've given you a...

Speaker 38 they've lived up to their end of the bargain of not having skunks in your place. Yeah, it's been a calendar year.
Might as well

Speaker 38 price.

Speaker 39 You're moving into the city, I love you're moving into a Winnebago, correct?

Speaker 38 Yeah, full of skunks. By the way, James, we just found out on an episode of The Past Times, Winnebago was actually an Indian tribe, and we've honored them by naming a traveling toilet after them.

Speaker 39 That's right. Isn't that nice?

Speaker 38 Because we care. Yeah, we love them.
It's not nice? I don't think it's very nice.

Speaker 39 I thought it was nice. That's not okay.

Speaker 38 What the fuck? Bro, we gave you a repair.

Speaker 38 Was that one of your comedian rhetorical questions?

Speaker 38 You know, I just must muster. Isn't that nice?

Speaker 38 Is that just me?

Speaker 38 Is this comedian brain damaged? Oh, is that just me?

Speaker 39 What is that?

Speaker 38 It's a giant skunk. This is skunk.
They raised my rent, so I domesticated mine.

Speaker 39 Doesn't look like it wants to be there. Yeah, they look happy.

Speaker 38 He just died. He's happy.

Speaker 38 In a moment, he'll be look at how much he loves the spotlight, though.

Speaker 38 James, you know what we do here. Uh-huh.
We go through a newspaper. It's old.
You can tell Dave's into it. He's yawning.

Speaker 38 Fuck. What uh what year you think this fucker's from, man?

Speaker 38 Marino.

Speaker 39 Yeah, just take a just take a guess seventh

Speaker 38 i'm feeling somewhere in the seventh 17

Speaker 38 i'm sensing like two sevens

Speaker 38 1737

Speaker 39 now you can't jump in what our guest is our guest is guessing now he guessed 1737 now you guess a different one i actually agree with him i think it's 1737 no you have to pick you can't pick the same one out of all the let's do months let's do months what month do you think it is in 1737 james i'm guessing guess now well i mean here's the thing is it's right now

Speaker 38 February?

Speaker 38 I think it's January. James is right.
It's January. All right.
Guess what year, James? Guess what year in January? Guess what? Guess what year? 1737.

Speaker 38 What day in January? Say it now. Say it now, James.
I'm guessing somewhere in the 13ths, 13. Yes.
How did you do that? I don't know. Psychic.

Speaker 39 That was amazing.

Speaker 38 You know, Dave, is your goal to end the fun warm-up guessing game? Because we might be at the point now where it can't go on. I think it's fun when I nail it exactly.
What do you mean?

Speaker 38 Where's that?

Speaker 38 I got the money. Just because you're a baby.

Speaker 39 Don't be such a bad person.

Speaker 38 Where's he from?

Speaker 38 USA, baby. That's where.

Speaker 39 Sometimes other people win, Gareth. Yeah.

Speaker 39 You're such a sore loser. Just let.

Speaker 38 Yeah, maybe say. It's a really weird way to take out aggression.
Maybe play some of those laughs you took out. Play them for yourself right now.
You need them. Oh,

Speaker 38 I didn't take any out.

Speaker 39 I was lying. I don't know.

Speaker 38 Oh, no. It was just, you know.

Speaker 38 What you heard was as sweet as it got.

Speaker 38 It wasn't that sweet.

Speaker 38 All right, Dave, what's this shit pie called?

Speaker 39 The Virginia Gazette, Williamsburg, Virginia, January 13th, 1737.

Speaker 38 Hmm.

Speaker 39 Times were different.

Speaker 38 Yeah, not not a shit pie. 1737, so this should be quite alienating, I would hope.

Speaker 39 This is, okay, so this is setting up the story.

Speaker 38 So, sir,

Speaker 39 London, July 21st.

Speaker 38 James, don't answer that. He's reading from

Speaker 38 a paper addressed people back then?

Speaker 38 Yes. Hello.
Hi. I'm a paper.
Ah, nice to meet you. I'm a man reading you.

Speaker 38 Harvey, are you okay?

Speaker 39 Sir, this is said from London, July 21st, 1737. I send you the enclosed, a very remarkable letter concerning the late cruel usage of a poor old woman in Bedfordshire

Speaker 39 who was suspected of being a witch.

Speaker 38 By the way, if you were to tell me what's in a 1737 paper,

Speaker 38 a bit of witch trial talk, I would imagine. Yeah.

Speaker 39 You will see by it that the late law for abolishing the act against witches has not abolished the credulity of the country people.

Speaker 39 But I hope it has made

Speaker 38 proper

Speaker 39 provision for punishing their barbarity on such occasions.

Speaker 38 Wait, is this? Is he pro or anti-witch?

Speaker 38 I think he's anti-witch punishment. Yes, I think he he is.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 38 Which is a very progressive stance. Yeah.

Speaker 39 It really is.

Speaker 38 It's like the Bernie Sanders of that time. Just like, they should not be beaten or drowned.

Speaker 38 Witches are people, too. Give a witch a job and she will stop craft.

Speaker 39 So this is.

Speaker 39 This will be, hopefully I can read this easy, but remember that the S's look like F's

Speaker 38 this time.

Speaker 38 For sucks fake.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 39 Sir, the people here are so prejudiced in belief of witches that you would think

Speaker 39 yourself in Lapland.

Speaker 38 Whoa, I said that.

Speaker 38 Telling shit about another place.

Speaker 38 That's where they're witches.

Speaker 38 You want to be a bitch?

Speaker 38 Be sure to take your witches.

Speaker 38 Now coming to the broom.

Speaker 38 Hey! Hag. Hey!

Speaker 38 These witches are kind of...

Speaker 38 A cat falls out. Jesus Christ.
That's right. Do you like that? No.

Speaker 39 There is not a village in the neighborhood but has two or three.

Speaker 39 Oh, there's two or three witches in every neighborhood.

Speaker 38 Yeah. Well, that's the census.
Those foolish witches.

Speaker 38 Any witches in your house? About two or three witches. Ah, it's just me and the two other witches.
All right. Thank you, ma'am.

Speaker 38 Are you guys texting each other? Yeah.

Speaker 38 Is that a problem? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 39 We're like, I don't care if it's not, it's not, it's not witchcraft. It's just a couple of guys.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 39 And why is it nobody? No. Hold on a second.

Speaker 38 Oh, I'm doing the pastimes with James and Dave. Yeah, it totally sucks.
Hi.

Speaker 38 These guys suck.

Speaker 38 Wow. All right.
Okay, go ahead, guys. You're doing great, James.
I just was leaving messages to myself throughout the show. Fuck, that's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Speaker 38 Well, you weren't supposed to comment on it.

Speaker 38 Sorry. This is audio only, right?

Speaker 38 I can take my shirt off. Yeah.
Yeah, it's audio only.

Speaker 38 Stop spreading the news.

Speaker 38 Let's see this much more. I call it all my tits.

Speaker 38 Huey Lewis and the news. I call my butt the news.
Want to spread it?

Speaker 38 We don't need a paper. I gotta say, I think it's getting in the way.

Speaker 39 I'm upset to be here.

Speaker 39 About a week ago, I was present at the ceremony of ducking a witch, a particular account of which may not perhaps be disagreeable to you. An old woman of about 60 years of age had a witch!

Speaker 38 Every old woman's a witch.

Speaker 39 Yeah, you hit 60, burn.

Speaker 38 Excuse me, witch. Where'd you get those potatoes? I'm just a regular woman.

Speaker 38 Quiet, witch. I.D., please.
How'd you conjure them?

Speaker 39 It says here, you're 60.

Speaker 38 Sign of the beast.

Speaker 38 Witch.

Speaker 38 No.

Speaker 38 No.

Speaker 39 Had long lain under an imputation of witchcraft, who, being willing

Speaker 39 to clear herself, consented to be ducked.

Speaker 38 Oh, I'd be ducked. That's when they were.
I know ducking.

Speaker 38 They used to kill women with ducks. They're witches.

Speaker 38 Have you ever heard of a witch ducking?

Speaker 38 A witch ducked her? A witch.

Speaker 38 How? He was a quack. All right.

Speaker 38 Nuts. I'm sorry.

Speaker 39 And the parish officers promised her a guinea if she should sink.

Speaker 38 A what?

Speaker 38 Wait, wait, wait. Promised her a what?

Speaker 39 A shilling if she sinks.

Speaker 38 But wait, witches sink. That's a good deal.
Is that what had it? Was it witches sink? Yeah,

Speaker 38 they sink. Witches float.
I think regular women.

Speaker 38 I don't think we've ever had enough fun with how bad of a test that really was.

Speaker 38 If she dies from water she's in the clear yep

Speaker 38 look it's everybody floats so that that would be the real problem there that's an rem sign so are and they're gonna give a guinea to her if she floats if she sinks if she sinks so if she's not

Speaker 38 if she dies

Speaker 38 you get on the scuba gear you go down with your guinea yeah so if you drown they flick a guinea at you that's right hey the place.

Speaker 39 There you go.

Speaker 38 Yeah. One to grow up.

Speaker 39 The place appointed for the operation was in the River Oust by a mill, and there, I believe, 500 spectators.

Speaker 39 Wow. I mean, it's a show.

Speaker 38 500.

Speaker 38 That's a good draw for

Speaker 38 1737. It's great.
Where are we? That's a great draw. That's the Brea Improv.
That's a great draw.

Speaker 39 That is. That's a really good draw.

Speaker 38 That's a great draw. Not enough people show up and they put the curtain behind them.
That way way, it won't seem as bad.

Speaker 38 You should have done this on a Friday, Saturday, Tuesday. It's hard to fill the street.
You just turn into witches anymore.

Speaker 39 I don't know.

Speaker 38 Ralph Barbozzo was just here, so this is the people. People are all spent out.

Speaker 38 Darren Carver, the witch burner, was just here.

Speaker 39 About 11 o'clock in the forenoon, a woman came and was tied up in a wet sheet.

Speaker 38 We're in a wet sheet competition. Ladies!

Speaker 38 Ladies!

Speaker 38 Welcome to Lapland. Tonight we're doing wet sheets.

Speaker 39 All but her face and hands.

Speaker 39 Her toes were tied close together, as were also her thumbs and her hands tied to the small of her legs.

Speaker 38 Oh, God.

Speaker 39 They fastened a rope about her middle, then pulled off her cap to search for pins. For the notion is, if they have but one pin about them, they won't sink.
Well, it's science.

Speaker 38 Wait, if they have a pin, they'll float? Like a haircut. Yeah.
Think about it. Oh, yeah, now I get it.
For sure. Didn't take too long to make that connection.
Come on, Bill Nye.

Speaker 38 Did you just Dennis Miller Bill Nye? He did. Not okay.

Speaker 38 Not okay. You're a modern-day witch.
You should be thrown in a river for what you just did.

Speaker 38 Come on, keep up what you place, Bill Night of Saints.

Speaker 39 When all preliminaries were settled, she was thrown in, but unhappily for the poor creature, she floated.

Speaker 38 Though her head was all the white,

Speaker 38 she floated. Yeah, she was like, I don't want to be a part of this society.

Speaker 39 Though her head was all the while underwater.

Speaker 39 Upon this, there was a confused cry.

Speaker 38 A witch, a witch, hang her, drown her. She's drowning, Frank.
She's already drowning.

Speaker 38 Pick a death, too. Hang her, drown her.

Speaker 38 Light her on fire.

Speaker 38 Light her on fire and throw her in the water.

Speaker 38 Those are actually lagger heads.

Speaker 38 Light her on fire and make her jump over a bunch of horses.

Speaker 39 Jesus Christ, I'm just old.

Speaker 38 Shut up, witch.

Speaker 38 Goddamn witch won't quit talking. Stick a pen in it.
Stick a pen in her. She's a witch.

Speaker 39 She was in the water about one minute and a half and was then taken out half drowned when she had

Speaker 38 the doctor. If I pronounce you half drowned, this lady

Speaker 38 is clearly half drowned. This woman is not a witch and is half drowned.
She needs mouth to

Speaker 39 When she had recovered breath, the experiment was repeated twice more.

Speaker 38 Oh my gosh. Jesus Christ.
She's okay.

Speaker 38 I think I'm okay. All right.
So just two more, just to piece.

Speaker 38 My day is not going so bad.

Speaker 38 Yeah. Could be worse.
I could have been drowned three times.

Speaker 38 Yeah. A half drowning.
two more times. So one and a half amount to a really 1.5 drowning.

Speaker 39 But with the same success, for she floated each time.

Speaker 38 Successful. She's doing great.
You're doing so good, old lady.

Speaker 38 I'm very old, and that's the problem. You're doing so good.
I'm starting to think you're real. Yeah, three more times.

Speaker 38 My bones are light.

Speaker 38 Yeah, well, that's probably helping you right now. You ain't sinking, which is sink.

Speaker 38 So two more.

Speaker 38 You're one away from freedom, old lady.

Speaker 38 Is this the original three strikes? Your outro?

Speaker 39 For she floated each time, which was a plain demonstration of guilt to the ignorant multitude.

Speaker 38 The third flow. Wow, she's floating the third time.
I think she's really had to be lonely to be a newspaper man during the

Speaker 39 you guys are all insane.

Speaker 38 Yeah, he's calling his readers the ignorant.

Speaker 38 What's that word mean?

Speaker 39 For notwithstanding the poor creature was laid upon the grass, speechless and almost dead, they were so far from showing her any pity or compassion that they strove who should be the most forward in loading her with reproaches.

Speaker 38 I don't know what that means.

Speaker 38 Like someone had to go over. She's a shit after this?

Speaker 38 Or I would think someone has to go over and be like, hey, way to go.

Speaker 38 You're okay.

Speaker 38 She's like,

Speaker 38 she's not. She's a witch.
She's going to self-apologize.

Speaker 38 No, she's not okay.

Speaker 39 She's a witch. No, she's a witch.

Speaker 38 Alex, she is. Okay.
But she's on the grass now.

Speaker 39 Such is the dire effect of popular prejudice.

Speaker 39 As for my part, I stood against the torrent, and when I had cut the strings which tied her, had carried her back to the mill and endeavored to convince the people of uncertainty of the experiment and offered to lay five to one that any woman of her age so tied up in a loose sheet would float but all to no purpose for I was near being mobbed so his way of proving how wrong it was was he suggested to drown a younger woman no

Speaker 38 he didn't even suggest it he was like I would

Speaker 38 they're crazy people I'll prove you how cruel you are get me a teen

Speaker 38 and I didn't realize they threw her in a sheet in there so that that wrapped her up like a mother. The possibility of drowning is very high.
Very high. Yeah.

Speaker 38 The trick is not to load her in face down. Yeah.

Speaker 39 And it's much higher if you do, like if you're not a witch and you sink, you're dead.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Yeah. Yeah.
No, there's really, it's very, it's,

Speaker 38 they've come up with a really good system if you want to kill women. Yeah.
And a scant.

Speaker 38 And a scant 200 years later, they got the vote.

Speaker 38 We'll We'll finally allow them to work.

Speaker 39 Sometime after the woman came out, and one of the company happened to mention another experiment to try a witch.

Speaker 38 No, no, we're going to do it a different way. But now,

Speaker 39 which was to weigh her

Speaker 38 if she bleeds, she's a woman. There we go with the body image

Speaker 39 against

Speaker 38 the Bible.

Speaker 39 For it seems a witch could not outweigh a Bible.

Speaker 38 Oh my God. We're not that far.
Think about it, gentlemen.

Speaker 38 I really am having trouble thinking about it. This will come back soon.
I think we're a year away from this Bible wait. If that.

Speaker 38 That'll be determining if someone commits if an illegal immigrant committed a crime or not.

Speaker 38 Right. And then, like, the really rich witches will show up with a 180-pound Bible.

Speaker 38 Yeah. And be like, see?

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Sell them the heavy Bible. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 39 I immediately seconded that motion as thinking it might be of service to the poor old woman and made use of an argument which

Speaker 39 had

Speaker 39 some weight with the people. For I told them, if she was a witch, she certainly dealt with the devil.
And as the Bible was undoubtedly the word of God, it must weigh more than the works of the devil.

Speaker 39 This seemed reasonable to several.

Speaker 38 To separate.

Speaker 38 Yeah, that's pretty good.

Speaker 38 I was weighing evil the other day.

Speaker 38 This old track.

Speaker 38 Yeah, I got a bunch of evil the other day.

Speaker 39 And those that did not think so could not answer it.

Speaker 38 Yeah, because that's the other problem. It's like you're like, if you have a brain, you're like,

Speaker 38 I got to shut the fuck up. But that's so stupid.

Speaker 38 Talked about. Yeah, if you well, actually, these guys.
Yeah.

Speaker 38 That sounds like a witch got you. Yeah.
Witch got your tongue. Yeah.
Wrap him up, boys. We got to.
Weigh him against the Bible. See if he's got real knowledge or witch thoughts.

Speaker 39 At last, the question was carried, and she was weighed against the Bible, which weighing about 12 pounds, she outweighed it.

Speaker 38 By the way, what? What the fuck? A 12-pound Bible is. Damn.

Speaker 38 Yeah, but back to me.

Speaker 38 it a few times?

Speaker 39 Well, there weren't a lot of Bibles. There was probably just one in the church because they didn't have a bunch of

Speaker 39 churches.

Speaker 38 You didn't want people absconding with it, so you had to make it heavy. And now we're such a rich land, we have the sequel in hotel drawers.
Yeah.

Speaker 38 This country's doing good. Yeah.

Speaker 38 We need heavier Bibles, though.

Speaker 38 Yeah, I agree. I agree.
I don't know when our Bibles got so light.

Speaker 38 Well, they woked the weight. They woke the Bible.
They woke the way.

Speaker 39 This convinced some and staggered others, but some who believed

Speaker 39 through thick and thin went away fully assured that she was a witch and endeavored to include that belief into all others.

Speaker 39 Well, I mean, he saved a witch.

Speaker 38 Right.

Speaker 39 So she

Speaker 38 survived all this?

Speaker 39 Yeah, he saved a woman from being murdered by a town.

Speaker 38 By using like dumb logic. He was like, I think she would probably be lighter than the Bible if she was a witch.
And people are like, that's pretty good. Yeah,

Speaker 39 I got no holes I can see in her.

Speaker 38 That's pretty good. If you tie a balloon to her knee

Speaker 38 and she flows. She flows.
She's a witch.

Speaker 38 Yeah, keep it going over there, Bill Nye, the science guy. Dennis Miller's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather stop.

Speaker 38 Just saying, guy.

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Speaker 2 Yay. I miss you.
I miss you, Gareth. All right, I'm done.

Speaker 1 The dollop is brought to you by mood.

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Speaker 39 From the Gentleman's Magazine for August 1737.

Speaker 38 Finally, a little class.

Speaker 38 Little whacking material. Yes.

Speaker 39 Maxim. Dear Maxim.

Speaker 38 Dear FHM, my wife's a witch.

Speaker 39 Sir, reading your magazine for July, the deplorable condition of the wretches who eat one another.

Speaker 39 And

Speaker 39 that must have been a hell of a story. I kind of want to read that one.
Yeah.

Speaker 39 People are eating each other.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 39 Regarding the people who eat each other.

Speaker 38 Yes.

Speaker 38 In response to the eating people thing. We've gotten a lot of mail about the eating people thing.
I ate my friend the other day, and it's not that crazy. Thank you very much.

Speaker 39 And first cause, it induced me to write to you the following remedy for a leak in a ship. Okay, so it was a ship.
It was a shipwreck, and they'd eat each other. So that happened.

Speaker 38 Oh, okay. Okay, all right.

Speaker 38 That's fine.

Speaker 38 So being practical, you're like, if you don't want to have to

Speaker 38 eat people, people, this is how you fix a ship. No, I'm good eating the people you want it to have.
Yeah, well, as a matter of fact,

Speaker 38 I'm the one who shot a hole in the boat.

Speaker 39 Not thinking it is known to practice, but can assure it was tried with success on His Majesty's ship Antelope

Speaker 39 above 20 years ago.

Speaker 39 Let a small net be made with the

Speaker 39 I can't read that. Messi's missiles, four or five inches diameter and filled with oakum.

Speaker 38 With proper weights,

Speaker 39 oakum, like the oakum ridge boys, oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 39 With proper weights just enough to sink it, let it gently be hauled fore and aft for the outsides of the ship, and it will quickly find out the leak.

Speaker 38 Huh?

Speaker 38 You lost me. You lost me when you stopped talking about eating people, to be honest.
Yeah, I'm still thinking about that. Yeah, is there more about that?

Speaker 38 Yeah, I know how to fix a hole. Put a witch in it.
Yep.

Speaker 38 I mean, if it's being a witch in time, saves nine.

Speaker 39 Whatever. This is a genius idea, and you guys are just mocking it.

Speaker 38 Okay, whole boy.

Speaker 38 Say it again.

Speaker 39 I'm not going to say it again because it won't.

Speaker 38 Why don't you say it one more time there, Mr. Bill Nye, the science guy?

Speaker 39 uh by the violence

Speaker 38 go ahead go ahead magellan how you fixing a hole in your boat what are you the beatles

Speaker 38 and it was what yeah that's exactly what he used to do fixing a hole where the rain crept in oh we all live in that my mind from wandering by the way haven't you heard i covered magical mystery tour

Speaker 39 it will quickly find out the leak by violence of the suction and the oakum continually drawing through the

Speaker 39 I still can't read that, messels, meshes, meshes of debt. It will flop it, it will stop it, and rub it down.

Speaker 39 Yeah, girl. And stick shast until proper means can be used to do it more effectually.

Speaker 38 Shastamic Napoleon.

Speaker 39 If you please, if you please.

Speaker 38 Do not.

Speaker 39 You are

Speaker 38 not.

Speaker 38 Do

Speaker 38 shast to me. That's literally for me, I think.
That's the only person who's like, that was pretty good. You're bad.
Jasmine McNaspy.

Speaker 38 I'm trying to do older references than the newspaper today.

Speaker 38 Shasta McNassy.

Speaker 39 Sorry. Until proper means can be used to do it more effectually.
If you please to publish this for the good of my countrymen who use the seas, you will oblige. So it's just a guy writing in a letter.

Speaker 39 It's like, look, we don't need to be eating each other. Let's fix the ship.

Speaker 38 Yeah, well, all right. Good stuff.
It's like a city council meeting.

Speaker 38 The paper was just like the city council where people would just show up and just be like, I don't think you should be able to kill your neighbor with wood.

Speaker 38 I'm against it.

Speaker 38 All right, thank you, sir.

Speaker 39 Sir, I am clerk of a church.

Speaker 38 It's got to be clerk.

Speaker 39 It's a K-L-A-R-K. That's got to be clerk, right?

Speaker 38 Clerk. I'm a clerk.
A clerk?

Speaker 38 I am clerk of a church.

Speaker 38 I am clerk of church. Clerk, the clerk of the church.

Speaker 39 Okay, this might be

Speaker 38 Dennis Miller doing a chicken.

Speaker 38 Clark-a-doodle-dook. It's time to wake you up.

Speaker 39 Okay, so this is racist, so I'm going to.

Speaker 38 Do it in Dennis Miller's voice, then.

Speaker 39 I am clerk of a church, and I am to read the laws about fornication and black people two times in the year in the church

Speaker 38 okay which yeah this seems like church this seems like church

Speaker 38 this should happen in a church absolutely yeah yeah

Speaker 39 which laws are written hand which i can't read with

Speaker 39 but i have opinions on black people here we go so he is the clerk of a church and he can't read so that's the problem yeah is that an issue for a church clerk i mean it's all misspelled like you can barely read what he's saying that's good um and i which which I can't read without some gentle folks

Speaker 39 laugh at my blunders.

Speaker 38 I have

Speaker 38 seen

Speaker 38 this.

Speaker 39 I have seen your gaffer and can read in it as well as the Bible, for it is written in printing hand. And

Speaker 39 does Sir you well fend

Speaker 39 send the laws in that hand by,

Speaker 39 boy he's really uh illiterate or

Speaker 39 or give me an order upon the next justice to tear it out of his book for use in the church or pay my fine or

Speaker 38 this is the guy who's like trying to get people into the church no he he is he's like the second he's not

Speaker 38 of the church yeah but that's not helpful to be

Speaker 38 well he should be able to read and write as the clerk yeah i mean it's not a great like, it's not a, it's not doing, uh, it's not a great ad.

Speaker 38 Yeah, your whole thing is based around reading the one book. Yeah.
Maybe he memorized the book.

Speaker 38 Maybe that's why it's so heavy. It was like terribly written.
He was like, I kept the typos.

Speaker 38 It's all pictures. That's why it's so heavy.
It's 8 million pages. Flip it fast.

Speaker 39 And he has been asked to read.

Speaker 39 He's been asked to read some laws, but he can't read. So now he's asking them if he can get help or tear a page from the bible can i no don't do that i just rip this one out is that okay

Speaker 39 or or if they will pay his fine uh

Speaker 39 yeah that's it so he's any of this about god no

Speaker 38 he signs it your unknowing friend now watch me rip this bible in half as a feat of strength

Speaker 39 Oh, that was sad.

Speaker 38 It's strange. Yeah.
And

Speaker 38 racist?

Speaker 39 and racist

Speaker 38 only a little i mean i'm not gonna be the guy on your demo you feel bad for the illiterate racists

Speaker 39 really do you want me to read it the way it was written because it's

Speaker 38 yeah i do i mean

Speaker 38 it gets you and then i want that to be a clip and then take my face no dave go for it dave yeah yeah go ahead dave tee off buddy read it with passion

Speaker 38 Don't be afraid to really hit the words. Yep.

Speaker 38 Do your best character work.

Speaker 38 Keep reading it.

Speaker 39 I can't find out the design of the above letter unless it be to expose the ignorance of a parish clerk or to show the necessary of the vestries being furnished with the printed body of laws.

Speaker 39 There may be many laws in force which the minister or clerk are enjoined to read in the churches under severe penalties on failure.

Speaker 39 I can't oblige my new correspondent with an order on any justice of the peace to tear his book, but if he can prevail on his vestry to be at the expense of purchasing a complete body of the laws of this colony, I will undertake

Speaker 39 to supply them.

Speaker 39 Well, okay, so

Speaker 39 he's saying he's going to help him out.

Speaker 38 He's going to help him out.

Speaker 38 Oh, okay.

Speaker 39 That's all we could have just said that.

Speaker 38 So the racist is getting helped.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Did you see how into it James was? James used to really.

Speaker 38 That's the clip. It felt like Do Dennis Miller.
It felt like the bagat part of hearing like Bible stories where I just checked out. Yeah, I checked out a little bit.

Speaker 38 Hey, I'm more checked out than a library book on this one.

Speaker 38 Something like that.

Speaker 38 Yeah. More checked out than Bob's big boy.
I'm doing more checking out than the electronic checkout at the grocery store. I'm more checked out than

Speaker 38 Andrew Guamo's mistress sister last night.

Speaker 38 I'm more checked out than a beautiful set of legs at a construction site in Manhattan right now. I'm more checked out than the first album cover by the specials.

Speaker 38 Fucking A, these are deep but accurate. Yeah,

Speaker 38 that's

Speaker 38 I'm more checked out than Slovakia.

Speaker 38 More checked out than they watching us do this bit

Speaker 38 another time.

Speaker 39 Last week, Mr. Samuel Lane died of apoplexy at Exeter.
He's an attorney worth about $30,000.

Speaker 38 Okay. Damn, that's a lot for back then, I assume.
Richard died.

Speaker 38 That's a lot.

Speaker 39 Yeah. He got his money in such a way that he has had more curses bestowed on him than there are farthings in the above sum.

Speaker 38 Oh, so they're very convinced that he's horribly cursed.

Speaker 39 He's a piece of shit lawyer. Like, he's just a shit asshole.

Speaker 38 Yeah, cursed all the way to the bank.

Speaker 39 This old man used to say that old age and matrimony were two of the most damnable things that were ever invented.

Speaker 38 Wow. I think old age was invented.
Yes, it was.

Speaker 38 I wanted to be a baby forever. And then someone had to go and make time.
And then they made aging the law.

Speaker 39 Why the hell did we do this?

Speaker 38 This is crazy. We could be a bunch of fucking babies.

Speaker 38 How cool would that be?

Speaker 38 And it's not crazy to say because we would all be the same age. It would be fine to fuck.

Speaker 38 What?

Speaker 38 Order in the court. Order.
Hold on. No, no, no.
No, no, no. Hold on.

Speaker 38 I'm the first libertarian.

Speaker 38 Let me get it back on track.

Speaker 38 I'm saying in the land of babies, old age doesn't exist. They would be having sex with each other, and that would be fine.

Speaker 38 And it's baby on baby.

Speaker 38 I can see there's still a lot of blank stay. No, no, no.
No, I'm still.

Speaker 38 I'm saying what I'm saying. Don't say it again and louder and lean into the mic.
Be clear.

Speaker 38 If everyone was one, having sex with each other wouldn't be strange.

Speaker 38 It'd be hot.

Speaker 38 It's only creepy because I'm a grown man.

Speaker 38 What?

Speaker 39 I had to unmute him because that was just going really bad.

Speaker 38 Well, you guys had a nice run.

Speaker 39 I foresee how the podcast has been canceled.

Speaker 38 I'm back, baby.

Speaker 38 And talkier than ever. That's what he says to the one-year-old.
I had a little time to reflect on what I said, and there's something I'd like to say. Okay.

Speaker 38 I'm doubling down.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Now, when I talk about it, I'm dressing like a baby. How are you, baby? Wait.

Speaker 38 No, no.

Speaker 38 In real life, you're gonna dress like a baby and talk about babies. But I make this point looking like a baby in a diaper and a bonnet.
You think this will help your point?

Speaker 38 I think I'm going down with the ship like a baby.

Speaker 38 Plug a hole in the ship.

Speaker 38 Okay?

Speaker 38 What I said is fine.

Speaker 38 The babies are all witches.

Speaker 38 Don't try to co-op my point.

Speaker 38 Stand by what I said. Go ahead.
What did you say again?

Speaker 38 I said.

Speaker 39 The letters in his name made these words.

Speaker 38 Sue all men, which was very true of him.

Speaker 39 Wow. And tis said he was so well pleased with it that he gave the person five, whatever, pens or whatever, who first invented it.

Speaker 38 Sue all men?

Speaker 39 Sam. Sue all men.
Yeah. His name's Sam.

Speaker 38 Hashtag sue all men.

Speaker 38 Sue Allman Euel.

Speaker 38 Very creative.

Speaker 38 Wow, it must have been hell to be alive back then, huh?

Speaker 39 I mean, it's not great.

Speaker 38 Must have been absolute fucking hell. Yeah, it was a lot of book-based violence.
It's just like, everything's fucking crazy, and they're fun escapes. You were like, yeah, I saw that coming.
All right.

Speaker 38 It seems hard to trust your neighbor back then. Yeah, absolutely.
Anytime two or more people are gathered, you'd have to be like, Are they about to throw me into water?

Speaker 38 You literally could never be like, Can I tell you something? Like, that's nothing you know. You'd always just be like, I agree, God did give us corn.

Speaker 38 And then you just go to your room and be like, What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 38 We need to get a third book in this town. Yeah, this town needs a third book so bad.
And then that's a bit more checked out than the third book.

Speaker 39 The Protestants are in great consternation on account of nine letters de cachet having been sent here to take away nine young damsels, daughters of good merchants and trademen of this town.

Speaker 38 This is like a magical realm. What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 39 So they're...

Speaker 38 This is not a real city.

Speaker 39 No. They're sending.

Speaker 39 Oh, so letters come and it's like, look, we need your daughters.

Speaker 38 We need your daughters.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 38 All right. What are we going to do? Yep.
That's that. We had a good run.

Speaker 39 Five have already been taken. Two Miss Grovels, Miss Greel,

Speaker 39 I can't read that. Miss Levelyn and Miss Cape.
Letters de cachet have likewise been sent to Rowan Balbeck

Speaker 39 and C.

Speaker 38 Rowan Bubbe.

Speaker 39 Where this will end, God almighty knows.

Speaker 39 When they have thus taken the children of Protestants, they oblige the parents parents to pay such a yearly sum to the convent or monastery into which they are put as the prosecutors think fit.

Speaker 39 And this they call paying for the children's board. Whatever is required must be paid, and the sum required seldom fails in being extraordinary.

Speaker 39 So they just take girls to be nuns and then they charge the parents and they got it, and they're like, yeah, you're paying $7,000 a year, and then we have her here.

Speaker 38 Oh,

Speaker 38 it's either that or which. None or witch.

Speaker 38 You get two choices.

Speaker 38 Two bad options, but at least she lives.

Speaker 39 Yeah, what a life. Yeah.
It doesn't it seem weird 1730s?

Speaker 39 It feels like this should be like 1400s, but it's 1730s.

Speaker 38 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's shocking.

Speaker 38 But the Salem witch trials were like at this time.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 It's really expecting to start reading about elves and shit.

Speaker 38 It would not surprise me at all.

Speaker 38 We've talked about this before. We fully expect fairies to come into

Speaker 38 political campaigns in the next 10 to 15 years.

Speaker 38 I talked to

Speaker 38 the good fairy Mary, and she has assured me that she would be Secretary of State if I were to be elected.

Speaker 39 Charleston, South Carolina, September 10th.

Speaker 39 The sloop John and Thomas William Wilkinson master from this port bound to New Providence after being several days at sea and then about 40 leagues from any land met with sudden squalls of thunder when a flash of lightning struck the mast splitting it all to pieces then went through the part partners of the deck struck out three planks below the bend on the starboard bow which caused the vessel to fill immediately and obliged all the people on board, being seven in number, to take to their boat in order to save their lives.

Speaker 39 I just hurt someone's stomach. Whose stomach was that?

Speaker 38 It was mine.

Speaker 39 What's going on?

Speaker 38 I don't know. I had a gurgle, and it wasn't even my stomach.
It was like my esophagus. I'm sorry, James.
I'm sorry, Dave. I am a witch.

Speaker 39 It sounds like you got worms and snakes in your throat.

Speaker 38 I have a serpent esophagus. Hang him upside down from a tree and tickle his nose with an oxtail.

Speaker 38 Punch him in the stomach a bunch, and if he dies, he was a man.

Speaker 38 He shall swallow a whole fish.

Speaker 38 No one killed 40 eggs. Feed him 40 eggs.

Speaker 38 Jesus Christ, he's pounding those.

Speaker 38 You can't even make cool hand Luke in this economy.

Speaker 38 We're not going to do that. What?

Speaker 38 We're not going to coolhand Luke this economy again. Whoa.
You little coy bastard.

Speaker 39 In this little boat, they were exposed several days to the mercy of the seas and weather.

Speaker 39 Crofing the Gulf. Oh, crossing the Gulf.
Sorry.

Speaker 38 That makes more sense.

Speaker 38 I love crofing the Gulf. That's what just happened in my throat.

Speaker 38 Croft the Gulf. The Acrophagus.

Speaker 39 Crossing the Gulf where they filled sundry times so that the greatest number were obliged to quit the boat whilst the others freed her from the water till on Monday last they arrived safe in this harbor.

Speaker 38 Oh, everything worked out. Yep, everyone's fine.

Speaker 39 Nobody had to eat anybody else.

Speaker 38 There was definitely one guy who was like, shit. Probably going to need to make shanks out of each other.
Look at you, Bob. We can see the land.

Speaker 38 Dibs on Bob. Yeah.
I'm going to shank. I'm just saying, things could go wrong really fast.
What if we get tired swimming that whole mile?

Speaker 38 Let me eat Ted and then we'll go. Just, I need my strength.
I'm worried I'm not going to be able to make the journey.

Speaker 38 By the way,

Speaker 38 I heard he's a lawyer.

Speaker 38 And a spectator.

Speaker 38 Anyone?

Speaker 39 New York. Yeah.
On Wednesday, yeah. New York.
On Wednesday last near 11 o'clock at night, we felt an earthquake here.

Speaker 39 The first since we.

Speaker 38 A witch queefed.

Speaker 38 Jesus Christ. A witch has queefed.
The land shook

Speaker 38 How the fuck do they believe in earthquakes in a time of

Speaker 38 crazy

Speaker 38 It's so weird to be like here's what happened. Yeah

Speaker 38 the plates in the ground were rubbing against each other

Speaker 38 Also, there's a chance Diane did it with that big stick

Speaker 38 I believe she has a black heart and spells in her belly. I believe this woman can fly and in Pangea.

Speaker 38 You see, land slowly moved away from each other and that explains why certain areas have similar species. Also, that woman birthed a demon

Speaker 38 two nights ago.

Speaker 39 The first sense we had of it was like a strong gale of wind, which increased till it began to resemble the noise of coaches swiftly driven, which continued and increased till it came to the place where it was felt.

Speaker 39 Here we had

Speaker 39 first one single shock and after an intermission of a few seconds, a violent tremor, which continued upwards of a minute. By the noise, it seemed to move from the westward to the east.

Speaker 39 We hear from Rheinbeck that it was felt there and that some houses were somewhat damaged at and about Phillipsburg, also upon Long Island. But as yet, we have heard of no considerable damage.

Speaker 39 That was like in modern-day

Speaker 38 arguably better than what we'll be dealing with in like five years,

Speaker 38 like far more accurate with tremors.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 And then also, this paper started with which sheets.

Speaker 39 Lost sometime in August last a silver snuff box, gilt on the inside and a coat of arms engraved on the lid being three tiger's heads and the crest of a lion rampant.

Speaker 39 Whoever brings it to Mr. Thomas Hall in Prince George County or to the printer of this paper shall have half a pistol reward.

Speaker 38 Half a pistol.

Speaker 39 Which half?

Speaker 39 What's a pistol?

Speaker 38 The handle. What do I have to do for the whole pistol, asshole?

Speaker 39 I don't know. What is a pistol?

Speaker 38 I got half a pistol. I got half a pistol if you bring back my fancy spit box.
There you go. Yeah.

Speaker 38 You got my nosebacker? Here you go. Take a barrel.

Speaker 38 Can't you just use like an old Dr. Pepper can like my dad used to?

Speaker 38 A gilded three-lion thing for your fucking tobacco spit. Yeah.

Speaker 38 Oh, it's so my son doesn't accidentally drink out of it. The guy with the cool Zippo.

Speaker 38 You ever go in for a tasty Dr. Pepper and it's your dad's spit?

Speaker 38 I've done the cigarette putts. You ever done that? Yeah, good.
I've done that like probably six times in my life.

Speaker 38 And every time, and probably like three times told people. And the other three, I was like,

Speaker 38 yeah, yeah. Don't hide it, hide it, hide it, hide it, hide it.

Speaker 38 Yeah, that was basically college. Just drinking cigarettes.

Speaker 39 Price one shilling, ten and a half.

Speaker 38 What was it, Dave? What was it? Pistole or whatever. Oh, it's a gold coin.

Speaker 38 Oh, pistole. Half a pistole.

Speaker 39 It's the French word for a Spanish coin.

Speaker 38 That's right. We took a pistole, huh?

Speaker 39 Price one shilling.

Speaker 38 That's the right word for it. Like if someone took your urine, is pistole.

Speaker 38 Stop.

Speaker 38 Price ten shillings one

Speaker 38 oh well this is fun

Speaker 38 I've actually been reading some controversial thoughts from across the pond

Speaker 38 imagine the pyramid of toddlers huh if they're all the same age why is it gross that's all I'm saying

Speaker 38 you only grossed out by it because you know what it is today but if you had no idea it would be fine

Speaker 38 what

Speaker 39 uh price is one shilling ten and a half D. What's D?

Speaker 38 D is dollars?

Speaker 39 You're the, Gareth, you're the English guy. What's a D?

Speaker 38 Duckets, mate. Ducket.

Speaker 39 Ducket?

Speaker 38 Yeah, it's a ducket. Yeah, it is.

Speaker 38 Fuck off. Why'd you come to me for information if you don't know what you're wearing? Oh, I thought D was for Dano.

Speaker 38 Danny.

Speaker 39 No one's helpful. Poems on several occasions, never before printed by a gentleman of Virginia, price 15D.

Speaker 38 I ain't paying for for fucking Virginia columns.

Speaker 39 This guy just put an ad in the paper and he's like, hey, I wrote some poems.

Speaker 38 No, that's a male. Virginia ones.
Yeah.

Speaker 38 We wager poems against the Bible. Poems lose.
Damn it.

Speaker 38 Bible's undefeated. Yeah.
The heaviest object known to man.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 38 Not being able to speak up. Nothing's heavier than the Bible.

Speaker 39 Jamaica is remarkable for earthquakes. The inhabitants, Dr.
Sloan informs us, expect one every year.

Speaker 39 That author gives us a history of one in 1687. Another horrible one in 1692 is described by several anonymous authors.

Speaker 39 In two minutes' time, it shook down and drowned nine-tenths of the town of Port Royal. Wow.

Speaker 39 the houses sunk outright 30 or 40 fathoms deep.

Speaker 38 Oh, it's a fathoms deep.

Speaker 38 I can't even imagine how deep it is. That's one fathom.

Speaker 38 Everyone stop.

Speaker 38 James, get back here. I was thinking about it.

Speaker 39 The earth opening swallowed up people as if, and they rose in

Speaker 39 other streets.

Speaker 39 Some so some were some were kicked up and some went down.

Speaker 38 The earthquake shot some people.

Speaker 39 What kind of fault is that, Gareth? Go ahead and tell the...

Speaker 38 Oh.

Speaker 38 It's a...

Speaker 38 Who muted me?

Speaker 39 Strike Slip? Strike Slip? Yeah.

Speaker 38 Nah, it's a... Yeah, it's a...

Speaker 38 Stalag.

Speaker 38 Stalagmite? Yeah. Stlagmite.

Speaker 39 Stalagmite.

Speaker 38 Might...

Speaker 39 Though there were 2,000 people lost and 1,000 acres of land sunk,

Speaker 39 that's a lot of people for them.

Speaker 38 Yeah. Yeah.
That's a lot of land, too. I mean,

Speaker 39 all the houses were thrown down through the island. One Hopkins had his plantation removed half a mile from its place.
No, that's not that.

Speaker 38 No. Don't lie to us.
Now you're lying. Now you've got to.
Well, I guess we've relocated. The earthquake moved us.

Speaker 39 All the wells from one fathom to six or seven, the water flew out at the top of a v it with a vehement motion, while the houses on the one side of the street were swallowed up.

Speaker 39 On the other, they were thrown on heaps. And the sand in the street arose like waves in the sea, lifting up everybody

Speaker 39 that stood on it and immediately dropping down onto its it looks like piss, but that can't be piss. It looks like piss.

Speaker 38 All the places landed on the piss. Yep.

Speaker 38 That's an old newspaper. That's an old journalist joke, end joke they like to do to see if people are still reading.
You just end the story with piss. And

Speaker 38 we'll see who catches this. Is anyone reading? There was piss.
It was piss.

Speaker 38 Yeah, it was piss. You've read this far.
Piss.

Speaker 38 Piss.

Speaker 39 Letters from Venice say that at the Pope's request, one Ragonioto, a native of Ancona, and a darling

Speaker 38 goo goo, do you like me?

Speaker 39 Was apprehended.

Speaker 38 Baby cop.

Speaker 38 That's right, ma'am. Baby cop.

Speaker 39 I mean, I just can't imagine the life that you've created. Every time you see a baby, you're going to ask him he's a cop.

Speaker 38 What have you done? No.

Speaker 38 You guys. Oh, my God.
Holy shit.

Speaker 38 In my version of the baby. You're like, give me your bad number, and they're like, it's this mini.

Speaker 38 Wait a minute. BPD.

Speaker 38 Baby police department.

Speaker 38 No, the idea for the last time is that everyone's a baby.

Speaker 39 Yeah, no, we got it. But then why are you asking?

Speaker 38 Well, they're going to have to procreate in the land of babies. I got the idea of your dream scenario.
No.

Speaker 39 So why are you asking if babies are cops?

Speaker 38 Yeah. If you're already in your perfect fantasy land, why are cops even there?

Speaker 38 I thought you were ACAB.

Speaker 38 Someone's trying to ruin Utopia.

Speaker 38 ABAB. APAB.

Speaker 38 ABAC. All babies are cops.

Speaker 38 Until proven otherwise, that's how you got to operate.

Speaker 38 Tell you what, this town's got to shit. It's real ABAC.

Speaker 39 Okay, so this guy was apprehended at the square of St. Mark, who, tis said, has already murdered 49 persons with his own hands and threatened Cardinal's.
Al Poroni and several clergymen.

Speaker 38 Well, that guy's

Speaker 38 awesome. Yeah, he's a good guy.
He's a go-getter. He's a go-getter.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 What, James? You don't like the murder?

Speaker 38 I don't not like it. Wait, what's cool to say?

Speaker 38 I love murder. Murder is awesome.
Peer pressure. Say it.
I think everyone should be murdered if they think differently than me. Is that the right?

Speaker 38 That's right, right? It's correct. You're going to fit in today's world.
Great. Now you're mayor of New York.
There we go.

Speaker 39 Extract from

Speaker 39 extract of a letter from Ellie dated July 5th. On Friday last, Mary Bird, contempt for the murder of her husband by poison, was brought on a sledge and burnt in view of.

Speaker 38 Wow,

Speaker 39 I just didn't expect that. I just wasn't expecting that.

Speaker 38 Burnt in view always hits. Burnt in view.

Speaker 38 It's very.

Speaker 38 On a sledge. Yeah.

Speaker 38 We're not even making up a fun test for this lady. No, just

Speaker 38 put her on a slab and burn her in front of the burner.

Speaker 39 And burnt in view of many thousands of spectators whose curiosity inclined them to the site of an execution so uncommon in this country. And

Speaker 39 as there was something extraordinary in the woman, I have sent you particular account of her as follows.

Speaker 38 Blood!

Speaker 38 So much red blood.

Speaker 38 Or devil's juice.

Speaker 38 The devil's Kool-Aid.

Speaker 38 Her behavior while under

Speaker 39 condemnation was something remarkable for her.

Speaker 38 Was she very strange when she was ablaze? Very whiny, yelly, complainy.

Speaker 38 I wouldn't be that way. It was very weird.
Very unladylike. Just turned to her husband.
Was she always like this?

Speaker 38 How'd she put up the wood? It's crazy.

Speaker 38 How'd you put up with this?

Speaker 38 Fucking neck, neck, neck.

Speaker 39 She got that voice, Dan.

Speaker 38 Talk about shrill. The pain, the pain.
We get it. We're all in pain.
Wow.

Speaker 39 Her passion for

Speaker 39 day, her gallant, was strong.

Speaker 39 She could not hear the very rattling of his irons without being all of a fire, which passion, she said, had frequently assaulted her when she was engaged in her deepfelt and most solemn devotions.

Speaker 39 Okay, so whatever. God is like going into her and oh, nice.
Yeah, it's a God thing.

Speaker 38 It's a god. Oh, yeah.
What?

Speaker 39 She's really into God. I don't.

Speaker 38 Well,

Speaker 38 the high

Speaker 38 bailiff.

Speaker 38 finally

Speaker 39 the high bailiff finding no likelihood of her being brought to a true sense of the horrid crime she had been found convicted of, tell her a gallant

Speaker 39 was removed,

Speaker 38 gave orders to the jailer.

Speaker 38 What is going on?

Speaker 38 Can I be your clerk?

Speaker 38 How many counts does a fathom?

Speaker 39 Jesus Christ, Goofus.

Speaker 39 Gave orders to the jailer for his immediate discharge out of prison and briefly forbid his ever being admitted to the sight of her again.

Speaker 39 After this, she seemed to show some signs of real penance and owed not only the fact itself and the justice of the sentence which had been parsed on her,

Speaker 39 and also declared that she had given the potion in warm ale but not in hasty pudding as commonly reported

Speaker 38 and they believed in earthquakes

Speaker 38 this is how second city started

Speaker 39 but she gave him the first half

Speaker 39 Hasty pudding, but she gave him the first half ounce for which she immediately felt the pangs of conscience and

Speaker 39 wished sincerely that it might not have the expected effect. That her method of giving was thus.

Speaker 38 She

Speaker 39 mixed the arsenic with brown sugar and then put in the ale and gave it to him.

Speaker 38 Hey, this sugary drink has a weird little flavor to it.

Speaker 38 You won't mind a shit.

Speaker 39 This is a really weird sugary beer.

Speaker 38 Just have another sip. It's really good once you get past the top and the middle.

Speaker 38 It's got a strong chemically taste that just feels covered up by just pieces of

Speaker 38 sugar. You want more sugar, you say? I guess.
Or more points. There you go.
I mean, I said too much. Wait, what?

Speaker 39 More sugar.

Speaker 38 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 39 Some of her friends taxed her with having formally murdered two of her bastard children.

Speaker 38 Jesus Christ. You killed your bastards.

Speaker 39 But she declared.

Speaker 38 Who's going to grow up to play the blues?

Speaker 39 But she declared that

Speaker 39 to the last that the

Speaker 39 accusation was false and that she never had been guilty of even the intention of murder, except the fact for which she was to suffer. It was remarkable that even when she

Speaker 39 shewed the most evident signs of true acceptance, She

Speaker 39 preserved a boy, this is hard. Okay.
She was carried to the stake in a garment made of sackcloth covered with pitch. Beautiful.
Oh, so it'll burn. So it'll burn better.

Speaker 38 Yeah. Nice sack.

Speaker 39 And it was observed that when she was going to receive her punishment, she turned aside her pitched cap and cast her eyes among the spectators.

Speaker 39 Her countenance was at that time cheerful and bespoke a great deal of resignation.

Speaker 39 She spoke little at the stake.

Speaker 38 I mean, what's there to say at that point?

Speaker 39 Well, yeah, at that point, you're just like.

Speaker 38 Did I ever tell you guys about the weirdest sleepover I was a part of?

Speaker 39 All that time had to say she

Speaker 39 compromised briefly and addressed herself to the spectators in the following manner.

Speaker 39 That she deserved the punishment she was going to suffer, that she freely forgave all the evidences against her, but that her

Speaker 38 well, this isn't fun.

Speaker 38 I want to say that we want you screaming while you're going, no, no, I didn't do it, but we know you were.

Speaker 38 Resignation is not hot.

Speaker 38 No, it's not. No, I guess we should kill you on the slab, but now we feel

Speaker 38 cut her down.

Speaker 39 She said she hoped that all women would take warning of her shameful end oh some ally i don't know maybe

Speaker 38 yeah we'll see i'm everyone

Speaker 38 yeah

Speaker 39 um how about i want to end it with an ad sure or piss wheel county february 3rd ran away from the subscriber on the 21st of last month a convict servant man named edward ornsby he is irish

Speaker 39 of low stature.

Speaker 38 He is Irish of low stature.

Speaker 39 Has an impediment in his speech.

Speaker 38 He had on.

Speaker 38 I'm Irish.

Speaker 39 Give me a lisp, Garrett.

Speaker 38 Garrett.

Speaker 38 I've come from a different country. It's called Ireland.
It's not too close and it's not too far. There you go.
That's not bad, is it? Why are you looking at me like that, James? It's not that bad.

Speaker 38 Okay. I heard it was low stature.
Well, it's a bit of low stature. It's all all the kids.

Speaker 39 He had on when he... Wait, he had on.

Speaker 38 Shop.

Speaker 38 Just be quiet, you. You know, you're not white in this country yet.

Speaker 38 1770 is true. Yeah.

Speaker 38 Well, that's very true.

Speaker 38 No wonder so many people online have come after me for doing this thing.

Speaker 38 Now you've made this whole thing feel a bit racist.

Speaker 38 That's not nearly as fertile of front.

Speaker 38 Not nearly as fertile of front.

Speaker 39 He had on when he went away a green drugget coat lined with two sorts of

Speaker 39 shalloon and a drugget waistcoat of two sorts and a gray colored pair of breeches. He is a tailor by trade.

Speaker 39 It is supposed he has gone away in the company with a mulatto woman known by the name of Anne Rilly, Rilly,

Speaker 39 who being whipped last court held for the county of King George, they possibly have on the marks of her back. And it is supposed he has changed his clothes and wears a whitish-colored broadcloth.

Speaker 39 Whoever will bring said servant to me shall have two

Speaker 39 something reward.

Speaker 38 What an

Speaker 39 court, so he ran away with her. Yeah, as you should have.

Speaker 38 Well done, sir. Yeah.

Speaker 39 I hope he escaped and never found him.

Speaker 38 Brought to you by Ginger Beer.

Speaker 38 Drink it.

Speaker 38 Oh, shit. Well, James, thank you for another joyful ride through

Speaker 38 the nightmare.

Speaker 38 That was

Speaker 38 a spooky one. That was spooky.
That was strange. That felt like a Halloween episode.
Maybe we'll save it. Old Man Yells at Crowd is coming up soon.
Where will you be posting about it?

Speaker 38 Fritz is dead. Instagram.
Yeah, follow me on Instagram.

Speaker 38 Fritz is dead. X is really fun now.
X is fun. X is back.
I like Friday. X is back, baby.
So is comedy. That's why you did it.

Speaker 38 Instagram, yeah, follow me there.

Speaker 38 I guess.

Speaker 38 The main. Why am I still talking? This.

Speaker 38 That's better.

Speaker 38 Oh, God. This episode's over.

Speaker 38 Some of these days,

Speaker 2 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 2 Some of these days.

Speaker 44 What's up, doll heads? Join the Gare Force. Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

Speaker 44 That's right, I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Two shows, a 7:15 and a 9:30.

Speaker 44 But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th, Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September 16th.

Speaker 44 Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th. And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.
on September 21st. I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Speaker 44 Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th. Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th.

Speaker 44 Appleton, Wisconsin, October October 1st, Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd, two shows. And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.

Speaker 44 And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at RoosterTFeers. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.
Join me.

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