135 - The Past Times with Mike O'Brien

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All right, everybody.

Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Mike O'Brien.

Hi, guys.

Thanks for having me.

Mike, it is a pleasure.

It's been a long time,

but it's good to see you in the podcast world.

You have a podcast with Brad Morris.

That's right.

Business trips.

Yep.

Everyone, check it out.

There's 18 of them out already,

and it's improvised.

We have fun guests.

Among the ones out, there's Vanessa Bayer, Beck Bennett.

Great, great.

And then we're going to start releasing new ones, which will include,

let's see, Lisa Gilroy, Fred Erson.

Lots of good people.

Aha!

Yeah, all right.

Ah, it's fine.

Just it's hay.

I got a whole bunch of hay in me.

I haven't heard of any of those people.

Yeah, no, me.

No, that's great.

And you're on the All Things Comedy Network.

That's right.

I'm a proud ATC.

I've heard of that.

Yeah, we're ATC people.

And you and I used to open for Steve Byrne, which means we used to do the

dance on an audience member bit at the end.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Still do it.

I do it on my own shows now.

I've sort of taken it.

Really?

No, no, no.

That'd be amazing.

I think that's

allowed.

Pretty much burns.

I was inspired by it.

Okay.

It's different.

Well, when we were doing that, because you had really not done,

you had kind of, I think you'd been,

you weren't off SNL for that long, but you were just starting to do it and you were so immediately good at it.

And then you sold AP Bio.

And then you were like, I'll actually be really successful instead.

And it was an interesting choice.

It's a strange decision you made.

Yeah, during that whole thing, I thought you meant I was good at the male dancing.

That's what I mean.

I was like, I don't think that's a good thing.

That's all I've ever heard about you.

Yeah, you were so good at dancing.

That's all Gareth says about you.

Immediately good.

A lot of people.

Well, look, you've produced a lot of stuff.

And yeah, that's great.

But man,

you really danced at the end of Steve Burns' show as well, man.

Never, never comfortable, always finding reasons to be like, I don't know, Steve, I'm kind of sick tonight.

Kind of sick after doing stand-up.

I'm a little too sick for the stage tonight, to be honest.

It seemed like you were fine a minute ago.

I caught it during your set, whatever it was.

It's going around during your set.

Everyone was catching it.

Well, Mike, thank you for being here.

We're excited to have Brad on, and everyone should go check out business trips.

We are,

you know, we're going to go through an old newspaper.

And I think when we say that, people go, that's not exciting.

It's exciting because we said so.

So

you get to guess what year this paper is going to be from with no context.

Okay.

Dave, stop.

Dave, stop every face.

That's the magic that we do here.

You get to guess what year this paper is from.

I'll also guess.

You'll probably win because Dave is passive-aggressively

not letting me win this anymore.

We have a new, we have a new wrinkle.

If you don't guess it, we don't do the podcast.

okay right and you have to get it the exact year yeah but it could be could be 1700s 1800s could be 1900s we had one in the 2000s but it's i would favor 1800s 1900s if i were you okay

any year mike just a year oh do i guess it now yeah yeah oh i thought you could yeah yeah i think you can actually know president roosevelt well do you want to do do you want to do a headline from it dave that doesn't give away too much i will i will give a hint Okay.

There was a president.

Interesting.

1912.

So it's not now.

Damn.

1912 is good.

And I like it a lot, Nick.

I really do.

Well, thank you guys for having me.

Yeah, of course.

Thanks for coming by.

Good luck with everything.

I'm going to guess 1881.

You're wrong.

Mike

is closer.

It is 1900.

So congratulations.

Now, that's a legitimate win, Mike.

But

even if I won, you would win.

But that's a legit win.

So good point.

Well, it depends on what is, you know, what are the,

you know, every week is different.

It could be the metrics have been the same.

And the number.

Nope.

The metrics can be different.

Nope.

Could be the vibe.

It definitely seems like a thing that hearing a couple headlines would affect the guessing, but it's.

And you know what?

Now, we don't need...

I get it.

Dave, I think it's a great way to to do it.

Dave, I think it's a great way to do it if you want to.

We don't need, you know, keep your producing stuff in your own.

We don't need to do it.

Dave, I think it was a great way to do it that way.

I think you got it.

Yeah, I think you heard.

I really respect so much about you, even outside of the way you orchestrated that.

Yelling.

You're yelling.

David, Dave, read.

Dave, look at my text.

Look at my texts.

It's sending you a bunch of texts.

I'm good.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

Let's start.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Did I say?

I didn't say what it is.

It's the Kalespil B or Cali spell.

I never heard of it.

You're from Kalespil, right, Mike?

Yeah, I grew up in Cali.

It is Cali Spell.

It is Cali Spell?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

We like to cater it to each guest.

So this is...

You can,

any of the problems we're having, you can maybe fill in some of the issues.

So you grew up there.

Was it nice growing up in that state?

Yeah, it's a, you know, it's a big state.

I'll give it that.

Yeah, the shape of the state is the only state that's changed.

That's

they got a different and you like being

from that area of the country.

Uh-huh.

It's cool.

Yeah.

Shout out to all my family.

Spell bees.

And you guys were into what'd you

what's the first headline, Dave?

Did you have horses or what'd you have?

He had horses.

What's the first headline?

It's the Cali spell, as Mike says, Montana, June 15th, 1900.

The first headline is Friday, June 15th, 1900.

So had I done that, it would have been terrible for the guessing game.

That's true.

You don't have to go with the first one.

You could have gone with like the third or something.

Unless that's every headline.

Unless this is just some editor's descent into total madness.

Just run the date again.

Run the date.

We lose the date.

And look, the last few papers haven't been selling well yet.

Every day's the date.

Give them the date.

That's what they want.

And then say the date again.

Say it again.

Say the date.

All the ads are the date.

Oh, Gareth, my glasses.

Remember the glasses I lost on tour?

Yeah.

The new ones are ready, although I just found them yesterday, the ones that I lost on tour.

mike the search for these glasses was just i'm texting the staff at this theater in san francisco

hey

any anything turned up do you think the janitors might know all this to just find out where the were they

well they were in my head first of all it was in it was in three pieces but it was in the bottom of a bag that's why i didn't find them because they were okay you shattered them slowly smaller than they usually are okay good good you think a janitor got into your bag

it's not crazy that's the guess tell you what it's not it's crazy

that there will be vengeance all right it's a fine theory it is customary for a new aspirant for public favor in the newspaper field to make known with its first issue its business and political policy so it this is the first this is the first uh edition of the of the paper.

You know,

I have a theory that people from the past were way dumber than we are now, but this person sounds pretty smart.

I didn't know a lot of that.

No, it's good to peel back the curtain of the newspaper business for those who.

Because I think a lot of people want to escape when they read the newspaper, but a lot of us are curious, how's the sausage made?

So

it's kind of nice to hear the process a little bit.

The custom is a good one.

It avoids the possibility of future misunderstandings.

So you tell the people what you do, and then someone's not picking up a Democratic paper expecting Republican news.

Right.

Or wig.

This is probably a wig paper.

Yeah, definitely.

It lets people know what to expect and enables them to judge of the propriety or policy of extending moral and financial encouragement.

So this is just sort of, this really is like a set of directions on how to make a paper.

Is he supposed to be printing this?

It feels like you're

lighting a fire on our competitors' asses.

Some people don't know.

They pick up a paper and they're like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, right.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

This is the second page, and this will be a little less important than the first, but still super cool.

So just to let you know.

Okay, so right off the bat, the B will be, first of all, a newspaper.

Yikes.

Feels like,

you know, we could.

Yeah.

Yeah, if you're holding one and got to sentence four, you got that part already.

Yeah.

If I were the network, I would be like, we can get to it.

We can get to it.

There's a trip.

We get it.

Yeah, it's a trip.

It expects to give the people of northwestern Montana more and fresher news for the price asked than they have ever had before.

Now, that is not catchy.

Then the price asked than they've never had before?

They've never had to pay.

We got a slogan.

Now we make the paper around it.

Democracy dies in darkness.

A price that they will have never paid before.

Asked.

Asked.

Been asked to pay before.

As fast as arrangements can be made, the B will have correspondents in every part of the country who will be expected to do the full justice to the various sections they represent.

Sure.

All right.

Okay.

In short, the Calispel B will endeavor to give full value.

Short is not how you start any of this.

Inches pretty long.

Cut some of this out already.

Fuck me.

And when it fails to do this, it will not expect the patronage of people who look to get value for what they pay out.

This is starting to take on like a riddle cadence.

It's a crazy person for sure.

By the way, the date was the easiest part of this whole thing so far.

Yeah.

The BS started with the purpose of going ahead, not standing still.

It will give its readers such a newspaper as they are willing to pay for, but it is not in a position to give something for nothing.

In this office will be found a printing plant equal to that of any country newspaper in Montana.

Call in and see them.

If you know anything about printing plants, it will do you good to look over this outfit.

All right.

So we got a...

We learned a little bit about what's coming.

It's going to be a newspaper.

Yep.

And it's going to cost a little money.

Yes.

And the reason it's going to cost money is because they bought a big printing thing.

Yep.

And

he's pretty pissed off about the whole thing.

It's really not.

It's not a labor of love.

This is like, I'll show you, Janet.

It sounds like he might have come from another town where he set up a paper and everyone was like, what is happening?

Oh, fuck.

Come out of here.

It's not free.

When I first got hired to write at SNL, I didn't really know what joke writing was.

Like,

I'd come from Chicago improv and I was, you know, knew how to do a sketch, sort of, but not really like update jokes.

And they'd always tell new writers, if you don't get something on, like, write 10 update jokes.

And I was like, I don't know what those look like, really.

And then

I was watching Seth, and I was like, it seems like it's just a lot of similes.

You get some headline, and then, you know, Obama's trying to pass health care.

And then you say, that's like when my wife tries to convince me to eat vegetables.

So I just would write like 10 of those every week.

But

this is reminding me that I almost did.

I was like, this sounds like a guy on this first date saying all the problems he's got

in the relationship.

And I'm like, oh, God, that's my bad weekend update.

By the way, we'll take it.

That's pretty, we'll take the scraps of SNL on the show.

No problem.

Yeah, we'll take it.

That is so funny to start on that show and be like, all right.

Now, how do you write jokes?

How does this, what's this whole idea for?

What is the show really?

I've never seen it.

Honestly, like breaking down, just having those headlines in front of you is intimidating.

If you haven't done a lot of stand-up or something, it just says something like, you know,

the oldest man in the world died.

And you're like, I don't have a second half for that.

That's impossible.

It's already pretty good.

Yeah, it's fine.

I think just turn these back in.

Maybe snitch in an accent.

That's pretty much what my stand-up is.

You just keep saying.

I'll just say it in an accent.

Repeat it in an accent.

Explosion of dynamite.

Now we're fucking talking.

That should have let you lead with that.

Without question.

What is a newspaper?

Without question.

This is

your opener.

What you read is how you end it to be like, if you're bored, here's some.

Here's what I thought.

A terrible accident occurred today at the hail mine three miles from here in which five men were instantly killed by an explosion of dynamite.

Hail mine?

What?

Hail mine?

They're getting

H-A-L-E hail mine.

Still not helping me a ton, if I'm being honest.

Oh, Tony Hale.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Tony Haley.

Burkey gesturey performers.

Okay, got it.

That's right.

Got it.

That's right.

Okay.

But they're mining gold.

They just do it like Tony Hale.

They are mining gold.

So five died.

Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, so five men are dead.

Anyway.

Anyway,

that would be a good SNL one.

Anyway, they all died.

If you just kept pitching that every time, yeah, it could be.

It's fun.

They all died, you see?

Yeah, underline.

It's good to end it.

Anyway,

it's good.

It's going to end the sketch.

It's just a little bit of a sketch.

Anyway, it's underline.

Yeah.

Want Seth to really hit the anyway?

Gas explosion.

This is Alberta.

Fuck that.

That was taking so long.

What the fuck?

An explosion of gas occurred in the Canmore coal mine today, killing eight and injuring seven.

Jesus Christ.

Unrelated mining explosions.

And I mean, to get there, you really had to sift through some just weird, like a diary.

Yeah,

everyone is reading the diary, going, like, is he going to talk about the fact that our whole town blew up?

There's been nine explosions in different mines today.

When do we get to it?

Miner killed.

PC done.

A miner was instantly killed by an explosion of giant powder in the Gagnum mine.

Ah, the uh, that's the Korean guy.

Yeah, yeah, Sai.

Yeah, Cy.

Wow.

I thought here I was thinking I might be alone.

And holy fuck.

Talking about Sy there.

You're talking about Sy.

That guy had a very there will be blood name, too.

What was it?

PC Dunham or something?

This is when everyone was initials.

It was only initials.

That was all you were legally allowed.

Yeah.

But yeah, he had, what was he in There Will Be Blood, HW?

Yeah,

I think HW.

Oh, he was Daniel Plainview.

And his son was maybe HW or HW.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not funny, but it's interesting.

It's just a fact.

It's just kind of an interesting.

Now, Mike, you bring the joke on that.

How make that funny now?

Sounds like when my wife goes by her initials.

Yeah.

Anyways,

why is anyways underlined here?

British accent.

Ah, sounds like my wife goes by to me.

It's better.

See?

how about German accent?

It sounds like when my wife goes by,

pretty good.

I like British better.

I like the British.

Well, we're not here to do that part of this.

France.

It sounds like when my wife goes by, but I'm worried you're going to, I'm worried you're going to start.

I don't.

No, I'm going to stop it now, to be honest.

I like that it wasn't French.

He just said France.

It's France.

It's France.

Do France.

Do France now.

Well, I didn't want him to do a Canadian French accent.

I wanted it to be very...

Right.

He knows I can really get into the minutes.

The Quebecois.

Yeah, exactly.

The Quebecois.

Marriages invalid.

San Francisco Judge Beecher today rendered an important opinion in which he holds that marriages between divorced persons in the state consummated within one month after the decree of divorce has been granted are invalid and that in the eye of the law, such persons are unmarried.

Consummated?

Okay.

So.

That consummated, as far as I'm.

It throws me off.

Yeah, because that test means banging, but I don't know if that's what they're talking about.

Feels that's, I mean, that's the only one I know.

But it feels like what they're saying is if you got

married a month after your divorce and fucked.

No.

But if you don't fuck,

then yeah?

I mean, that's kind of what it's

oh

no, they're saying if what if Dave was just making this whole thing up and it was just like his dissent

after this, Dave tells me he's leaving the business.

I can't get to the man.

I can't catch you.

This paper didn't even exist.

No one blew up.

Nobody blew up.

That's no city.

Okay.

They're saying if you get it basically, if you get married

within a month after getting divorced, then that

divorce is invalid.

No, then the marriage is invalid.

The new one.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, right.

Sorry.

Then they're not married.

It'd be great if the divorce was invalid.

Well, now you're married to the woman you divorced again.

You're back to being married.

Unfortunately, you really fucked up.

Not only are you not married to her, you and your ex are back together.

So

our law is a little different out here in the country.

Over 1,300 California couples have been married at Reno since the enactment of the law.

Oh, so now people are running to Reno to get married, which is a great place to get married.

It's so beautiful.

Oh, God.

It's beautiful.

Is it just about the one-month thing that they're like, wait a little while.

Yeah, they're like, come on.

I feel like I'm kind of with them on that.

I mean, I wouldn't make it invalid, but it does seem odd that so many people would.

It's rare to get divorced and then remarried within 30 days.

Well, Mike, now you're taking shots at my dad, and uh, that's

I'll be really upfront with you.

That's not okay, okay?

We're not gonna dip into that because I'll tell you what, it worked out fine for everybody, okay?

Okay, so it's uh it's actually the best way to do it, pretty quick, pretty quick.

Might I suggest having a baby in that first year?

That works out pretty good, too, by the by.

Okay,

worry about a thing.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh boy.

That's weird.

Boy, I wish this law was around when I was 14 years old.

Holy fuck.

But that's a great age for that to happen.

No, it's just probably I had no notes on that.

The one thing I thanked them both for was like, look, what I will say is you timed it out right.

And I do appreciate that.

This is right now.

I'm looking for something like this.

Junior high is a little tough, but you guys are making it easier with this whole brand new sibling.

Now I have something that the people at school want to talk about, which is cool because

this feels cool.

I love the energy around this.

Mike, do you know what a divorce colony is?

No.

It's awesome.

So back

then, and I think it was still going, I think it was still going on at this time,

you couldn't get divorced in a lot of places.

So people,

there were like divorce destinations where you would go, you'd have to live like three months and then you could get a divorce.

So it was like a way for Vegas and Denver and places like that to attract people to spend money and help the economy.

So, this probably was going on.

And then, because sometimes you would bring your new bride out and she'd just wait for you to get the divorce, and then you'd come back

to Cleveland married or whatever.

As someone who finds even Love Island too trashy to watch, I would watch a show about that, about the

three months of waiting between couples who are done.

Yeah.

Divorce.

Yeah.

Divorce quality would be amazing.

Yeah.

Probably really good sex, I imagine.

They're great.

They're kind of just done, but they're like, but you have to still pee around each other.

Well, you would also probably find that like you're starting, some of them would start to fall back in love a little bit.

Right.

Or at least like they'd be mic'd up and there'd be, you know, there'd be stuff.

It'd be a good show.

Mic'd up?

Yeah, mic'd up.

It would also be, it would also be a great place to be a single dude.

I don't know if that works for the show.

It's a different show.

Maybe you have a single guy in there.

maybe like a gardener.

Maybe.

I

gardener, great,

just a guy with a horse cock.

Is this what it was like in the writer's room of AP BioMike?

Was it?

Are you getting it?

It was

this, but more similes

because that's what you're demanding.

Yeah, I was like, guys, I need jokes.

Guys, hard jokes.

What's it like?

Should be a relationship thing.

Come on.

That would be the greatest.

The simile writer's room.

What's it like?

Every note on his script.

I like it, but it's not.

You know what I mean?

Slapping a chalkboard that just says, what's it like?

What's it like?

Come on.

Related to something.

I'll start it off.

That's like when...

Go, go, go.

Come on.

Come on.

You, what's it like?

When you lick a frog, you're out of the room.

We sent you home yesterday.

There was a reason why.

Get out.

There's the one guy who just keeps pitching the same

like licking a frog.

They can all be like licking a frog.

I mean, pitching that is like ordering the same thing at lunch every day.

That guy's got it.

Bingo.

Bingo, put it in.

Put it in.

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Uh,

Made a catch.

The following dispatch from Deadwood, North Dakota will be read with interest.

Deadwood was real.

By many people of Calispel who knew Coventry when he was a resident of this town several years ago.

He was not particularly prosperous.

The eldest daughter of Otto Grants, the owner of the million-dollar mine north of Lead, was married yesterday afternoon to Henry Coventry.

City of Lead.

What else are you going to call it?

How are the people of Lead doing?

They seem very ill, quite an infirmed area.

I don't know what's going on.

Well, we left Lead and we went right to Mercury.

We were just so sick of whatever was happening.

Did you notice the headlines don't have nouns?

They don't say, oh, yeah.

They just go,

made it big or whatever.

Yeah, they're like, find out below who or where.

It's really, they're just like, want to know the noun?

Keep reading.

Pay for the newspaper.

Pay for the setup.

Get the noun.

An hour before the ceremony, the groom was arrested for practicing medicine without a license.

By the way, that was legal then.

Stop.

Yeah, that was okay.

You could try to fix people.

It's like mainly,

are we not in the era of where being a doctor was just sort of like being like a race car?

You were just like, I do it.

I think that it ended very recently before this.

Very recently.

But that's how you become a race car driver.

You just say, just.

You notice I cut myself off before I got it all out, probably for a reason.

You know, honestly, when I started thinking, I was like, you are simply just thinking of the Days of Thunder.

And that's not the regular story.

I want to be a race car driver.

Isn't that more comedians?

You do one open Mike, you're like, I'm a comedian.

Well, I mean, you know, that's how Mike and I started.

Yeah, let's stop.

There's a woman at my dog park who's a recently retired accountant who now just is like, I'm a stand-up now.

And

she does a lot of classes.

Did you guys ever do classes growing up?

Not for a stand-up, no.

And I'm always fascinated by these classes.

and I'm like, what did he do in class today?

Because

it seems like a little bit,

I was going to say a scam, and I don't know if she'll listen to this, but she can get something out of it.

It's at least practicing and having other people give feedback, I guess.

But it's a little...

I don't want to ask how much they are because that would maybe make me worried about it.

$7,000.

It'll make you sad.

It will make you sad.

It will.

Oh, yeah.

It'll be way, way more.

I think the only real benefit is that you're in a warm room for like your first 20 sets.

And then when you do your first show show, it's like you're all putting on a play together, you know.

But either way, at some point, you're going to go to an open mic and want to eat poison.

And that's when you're really going to be like, oh, fuck.

That's the first real feedback.

Yeah, that's where you're like, oh, no.

Is that the dog?

Yeah, he's growling at a person walking by.

I'm on the dog's side 100%.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Keep an eye on on whoever that is.

Yep.

Yeah, he does not care for it, does he?

Good.

Good.

How many people has he killed?

He's killed four thieves.

And so, if this woman is about to take a left and try to jimmy my door open, she's gone.

You can find out.

I didn't know people were still Jimmying.

That's awesome.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't know there was still a Jimmy.

That's like,

I don't have it.

That's like looking at a frog.

Stop.

No more.

Christ.

And then you get into like a vicious cycle where every time he says that, the other guy has to say.

And that's like ordering the same lunch every day.

And that's like, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Simile hell.

Doctor, we're stuck in a simile loop.

Okay, so his bond was placed at $250, which was furnished by the the father of the bride, and the wedding went on.

The couple started for a year's trip through Scotland.

The Duke claims connection with the Duke of Coventry of Scotland.

This guy's just a liar.

He says he's a doctor.

He's related to a Duke.

Yeah, this guy's a comet.

She married a comment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So much easier.

So

he's the music man.

He's got a.

Yeah.

He's like, the shipment of trumpets is coming tomorrow

from the Duke.

Is that what that plot is?

He just says they're coming soon.

I think so.

If you ask me what a plot is for a musical, I have no idea.

You loved Hamilton, though.

Dave's a big Hamilton.

Oh, I loved.

So great.

So great.

We watched Hamilton to raise money for a charity like three years ago.

I watched it with Dave, and it was genuine hell for him.

I mean,

I hated it, and I'm the only one who.

No, you're not.

No, there's a lot of us.

It's very,

you have to keep it pretty quiet.

Like, speaking of a writer's room, like the AP Bio Writer's Room was so mad that I didn't like it.

And

first, I just didn't like the idea of it.

I was like, well, it's like rapping about, you know,

presidents, and that's not cool.

But

then they bought me a ticket to go as like the end of the year gift.

And I was very, I was like, I'm going to

fucking love it.

They were sure it was going to flip you, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I kind of thought so, too, because anytime you see an actual production of anything, it's like, wow, the whole stage turned or something.

And I don't think the stage turned.

And they did just rap about like old stuff.

And I was able to report back to me.

Like, I was right.

I was right before.

Well, we did.

Dave was so pissed because

Hamilton is not the awesome figure as portrayed.

Like, Dave's like.

He's a piece of shit.

Dave's like, he's such a piece.

He's like, Burr's great.

Burr was great.

Like, and I was like, everyone was like, buddy, shut the fuck up.

And he was like, we're doing the Hamilton thing.

And then, and then, man, he did a three-parter.

Well, I think a three-parter on Hamilton, and you are, and on Burr.

Like, he was fully on Burr.

He was fully like, Burr was the one.

And by the end, you were like, man, Hamilton sucked.

It's so crazy.

Not like Burr was one of the first guys who was like, shouldn't women have equal rights?

And like, you know, it was like that guy.

I did not think you would dislike it because you thought Burr was getting the short end of the stick.

It's classic days.

There are many reasons.

There are many reasons I dislike it.

I dislike all musicals.

I can't stand them.

Well, you're right.

The rapping at the beginning.

I watched it over

2020 or whatever, and I would think I was just starved for anything because I was just getting drunk alone.

I was like, this is good.

And then on the rewatch, I was like, was I going through?

To be like, yes.

There is one part where I laughed out loud because it was

the son dies and he used to practice French, run around practicing French, and the mom scream cries, counting to 10 in France and says, Cat sin,

or something.

And I was like,

were you alone no

okay that it would be so great if you were alone because you're smoking is he smoking

you're like Robert Je Niro and Cape Fear

smoking his cigar in the front row

counting to 10 stupid stupid

oh fuck

oh shit anyway

all right.

Great president.

Sandy Ten Brook is the proud possessor of a young alligator about 10 inches long,

which he received on Monday from Florida.

Of course.

I like how that still tracks Florida.

Yeah, yeah.

Sure.

It's been going for a while.

I like that.

Obviously.

Yeah.

The least curious part of it for me was what day she got it.

It's just that she has it in Montana.

Oh, she got it Monday.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, imagine that to start your week off.

That's crazy.

I had a way different Monday.

Yeah.

Monday.

Mondays are known for being pretty boring.

Not hers, Mike.

I think the best thing about Mike's assumption is that a woman would be a professor at this point in time.

Well, Sandy has christened his alligator Senator Clark

and has further carried out the idea by keeping it in a soup tureen.

A soup tureen?

Yeah.

Like a big bowl.

Do we know what that is?

Yeah.

I think it's like a big bowl, yeah.

Okay.

Interesting.

But again, there's a lot of stuff there that we don't know what they're talking about.

We don't know who Senator Clark is.

So the joke is missed.

I think the clear part that matters is that she got an alligator.

And it's he, it's a he, yeah.

Like, you're not allowed to correct me on that.

Quick misgendering Sandy.

I think that's a guy.

Think about it.

But

I mean, that thing, don't they need lots of water famously?

Well, there's water in Montana.

It's cold, though.

I think they like warm water.

I don't think they like really cold water.

I don't like snow.

I've never seen one in snow.

No, yeah, that's not snow gators.

That's not a term I've heard of.

By the way, how fucking awesome would that be?

Let's get it.

Can we get that going?

I bet it's a sci-fi movie already, like when they used to make those films.

Now, see, Dave, I don't mean to give you notes, but you start this paper off with those explosions and a snow gator.

Hey,

I'm liking what I'm hearing.

All right, you're talking Hamilton numbers.

They're all black and gray.

I picture them black and gray, and they're like fast.

They can go across the top of the snow.

That'd be a good idea.

But you just see eyes kind of pop out from a snowbank a little bit.

You're like, oh, snow gator.

I like coming up with new animals.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We were laughing about in Gremlins that they're like for the first 10 minutes of the movie, people have to keep seeing a new animal, basically.

And they're like, oh my God, what is that?

It's like a new animal.

And then

by the halfway point, new people are seeing them for the first time, but they aren't surprised anymore.

They get more.

People are like, anyway, how's Gizmo?

Yeah.

It's pretty cool.

Did you see the game?

Yeah, that new talking bear.

That's so fucking

This is why you shouldn't watch movies with writers.

Oh,

that's kind of stuff.

That's kind of stuff.

My wife would just be like, you can't talk.

No, I just literally,

when I'm with a normie, and we call you normies, but when I'm with a normie watching a movie, the whole time I'm just sitting there.

I just do a lot of this.

I don't think they developed that character in the right direction.

Yeah.

Or I do this one.

How much?

They clearly dropped a scene from this movie right there?

Yeah,

you know what?

I this is what I do: ADR.

I do a lot of that.

That's ADR.

Here, I'll show you.

Rewind it.

Look how we can't see his mouth.

Can't see his mouth.

See how his head's not moving to what he's saying.

ADR.

Who mixed this?

Can you look up who mixed this?

Hit pause.

Does Prime tell you the mixer or just the actors?

John Fogarty.

Wow.

He was back then.

Yeah, he's so good.

Yeah.

John Fogarty, a miner, fell 45 feet in the never sweat mine in Butte Saturday and was instantly killed.

Jesus Christ.

Just a brute.

So here's one of my things.

Yeah, just mine deaths.

I feel like mines are like hard enough to deal with as it is, but you probably shouldn't have 45-foot holes in them.

Yeah.

But that's what they are.

Isn't that the whole

thing

down?

I believe it does.

Sideways, or there's an elevator if it goes down.

There's not just a hole.

I believe it.

Dave,

I don't know a lot, and I famously know very little, but I think a big part of the mine is the hole that goes down.

I think it's been in mines, and a lot of the mines go sideways.

But if you go down, that's a cave.

You went on a cave tour.

You didn't go mining.

I've been in the Darwin quadrangle.

Don't start with me.

Super awkward okay

all right doctor in the quadrangle what yeah what

don't make me tell you about a gypsum mine in the darwin what are you doing have you just been sitting

what

it goes sideways all the mines in the quadrangle go sideways like every one of them's up you're going up the mine ends in the sky You're in God's country by the end.

What did you just say?

It's a place where there were a lot of minerals mined at one point in California.

So there's a lot of abandoned mines out there.

And I've been in the mines.

Yeah, I went in there a little bit.

Right now you're acting like you're best friends with Matthew McConaughey and you're proving it, but you're talking about going into a mine.

Yes, I've gone.

Yes.

I actually

man has gone into a mine.

Good simile.

Any man.

Anyways.

Also, this one they named the Never Sweat Mine, I noticed, which is,

I guess, like

a selling point, yeah, to get people to start working there.

And then they're immediately like, ah, no, you sweat in this one.

You sweating all of them.

That's what said, no coal.

Yeah, they're all coal.

That's spoiler.

They're all coal.

The no back pain mine.

Everyone gets laid mine.

Come on down.

The committee of the State Board of Education appointed to investigate the trouble among the faculty at Montana State College of Bozeman said they are unable to find anything to investigate.

What?

So

there is nothing to this news story.

So, what does that even mean?

That's like a fireable,

that's a fireable return.

Well, there's nothing to investigate.

You're the investigator.

You don't need me on this.

Well, they sent them to find what all the trouble was, and they're like, yeah, there's nothing here.

There's no trouble.

No trouble.

Why'd you send me?

Yeah.

Yeah, go send them to the bottom of That's not a different people.

No.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, anyway, that guy died.

John Filbert is.

Helena and Anaconda are at it again.

This time, baseball is the bone of contention.

The other person's name?

Helena and Anaconda?

It's a town.

They're towns.

I know.

And they hate it.

There were snow Anacondas.

By the way, what I was picturing just now,

real different.

Two guys that hate each other, and every week they get together and they're like, what will be our point of contention this time?

Yeah.

Like, how about baseball?

Well, one of them's a snake in my head.

Right, right.

Yeah, all right.

All right.

We're back.

At the first game between the two clubs, one of the Helena players abused the umpire and was ordered out of the game and off the grounds.

Abused the umpire.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, he was giving him shit for bad calls.

It's like

Dave's kid plays a lot of baseball.

You can see he's got that.

Yeah, he's talking to him as you're supposed to.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I don't do that.

It's very dumb to give the umpire shit because then he makes calls against your team.

So, no, it's dumb.

You follow him home.

I heard that was a regional thing.

I don't have kids.

But is that true that California, the parents don't yell at the umps and refs the way they do in the middle of the country?

I don't know.

We don't.

We mostly don't yell at the,

I mean,

at the age of 12, everybody does because it's like, it's very animalistic at that age with the parents.

It's fun.

But once you get past that, no, nobody really yells at the umps.

Every once in a while, maybe you might be like, blue, like you might hear that once in a while.

What's that?

Yeah, nobody.

Blue.

Blue.

It's what you call the umpires blue.

Yeah, so that's, it's not that much.

I wouldn't be surprised if they did it back east more, though.

So what Mike's getting at is we would love to come to one of these games and maybe

have a couple pops and,

you know, let the ref know, ump is it, whatever it is, yell at the guy who's in charge a little bit.

Did I ever tell you my

did I have I ever told you the story of my greatest comeback ever at a

drunk guy at a baseball game?

I thought it was going to be a spoiler.

We were down 30 points and I was on fire.

No.

Okay, what's your comment?

There's a thing.

There's a thing called Big League something,

and it's basically they've created these parks where their little stadium, they look like your favorite ballpark.

And it's so 12-year-olds and 11-year-olds can go play.

Like replicas.

But in the middle, in the middle between all the fields, they put a bar.

And all the, they have them all over the place, and they have bars in every one.

So the parents get shit-faced.

And so we are at this game, and this guy is plastered, and it's like 100 degrees out.

And he keeps heckling one of our players.

He's like, you panty waste.

Like he's doing all this, you little sissy.

And none of the parents, and we're just waiting for the parents on their side to be like, hey, Frank, chill.

And nobody does anything.

So he yells something.

And I finally stood up and I went, hey, my dad used to come to games drunk too.

And it was embarrassing as shit.

And then all the other parents go, hey, that's not cool.

And I was like, he's calling our kids.

He's calling a toddler on the pantyways.

Come on.

What are you talking about?

I mean, you went like clinical, though.

That is fucked up.

You went.

You went to the heart.

I went where you belong.

You hollow that man out quickly and you leave him for dead.

See, there's that mind talk.

Yeah.

There's that Darwin quadrangle.

Yeah, you quadrang him.

That would be like Darwin quadranting him.

But don't say a thing about him,

but

But they took that guy out of there immediately after that, and he was gone.

So it all worked out.

It's tough on his son, for sure.

Yeah.

One great.

That's

one great.

One great.

Someone had to get hurt.

Jesus.

The kid was already in hell with his dad up there calling

candy witch.

I mean, it's just a kid.

Kenny's like, I bet, yeah.

Hopefully people don't really know he's drunk though.

And then

everybody knew he's drunk.

I mean, just that maybe they're

thinking that.

I will say putting a bar in the middle of that is

a great decision.

It's crazy.

It's a great decision.

It's one of the crazy.

It's a great decision.

I've never thought about being a parent until I heard that.

Now I'm like,

I could probably pull it off.

It's up there with like, yeah, you can bring a gun into a bar.

It's like one of those incredibly dumb because people are always like, parents are terrible at games.

And you're like, How about booze?

Yeah.

Wow.

There's a another dog.

I'm going to try to go through my whole dog park group.

Another dog park.

Yeah.

And really slow play.

Don't be afraid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mike, what's your dog park?

Is it the Los Los

Silver Lake one?

The Los Velise one?

No, I used to do that Silver Lake one, the big hot dirt circle.

Yeah, the hot dirt.

Yeah.

Now I do the Eagle Rock, Fake Grass, or Field.

Oh, okay.

But there's a retired cop there, and he comes to a lot of my,

or comes to like a comedy show once a year or something, which is nice.

But he always is like, they're going to have a metal detector?

Can I bring my gun?

And I'm like, does UCB have a metal detector?

No, man.

But also,

no, I don't know.

No, maybe?

Maybe.

Not really the vibe.

Second City does.

Second City.

UCB doesn't.

Right.

Right.

I know you can bring firearms into Second City.

I'm just trying to think about UCB.

The old one, I know you could.

I don't know about the new one.

It's always the biggest bummer to, I'm backstage and talking to the other comics, and I'm like, my friend's here.

He's got a gun.

It sucks.

What?

No, just do your regular stuff.

Like, don't.

I probably should have brought it up.

Don't get thrown off.

But this guy definitely has a firearm.

He's to the right.

So don't even look.

I'm sorry.

I should have said where he's sitting.

All right.

Back to the Helena

Anaconda

baseball thing.

At the first game between the two clubs, one of the Helena players abused the Empire, was ordered out of the game and off the grounds.

To get even, he assaulted the Empire after the game.

That's how you handle it.

He'd already been abusing him, I guess.

Well, to get even with himself a little.

No, but I see what he's saying.

He's saying, like,

he abused him, so to kind of make it better, uh, he beat him up.

He beat him up, which is, yeah, he beat his ass.

Now things are good.

Now it's even, Steven.

Now, now he's like, no,

don't do that again.

Okay, it's fair now, right?

Yeah,

now we're even

for this, he was suspended for two weeks and fined $50,

whereas the Helena managers sulked and said they wouldn't play unless McCarthy was reinstated.

To the discredit of the league managers, be it said that the Helena Club had its way and McCarthy was allowed to play again pending an investigation.

That's like an appeal.

It's kind of like an appeal.

Most Montanans would have been pleased to see President Lucas insist on McCarthy's suspension, even at the expense of Helena's withdrawal.

The the loss would not have been irreparable.

So they're saying...

I'm a little lost because this story is pretty inside baseball.

Well,

what they're saying is it's like, it's like, you know, they started, something got a little heated in the middle.

Dave, Dave, did you hear the.

He ended up licking the frog.

Oh, fuck.

Jesus Christ.

Same lunch.

How's the writer's room on that show?

It's good, but but it's a lot of pressure.

It's like every day I have to create a diamond in my hand.

I don't know.

Okay.

Down in St.

Louis, the wives of the employees have taken a hand in the streetcar strike and are assaulting those of their own sex who patronize the street railway.

All right.

So

women are beating up women over the

strike.

You're not supposed to go out on strike.

And

when people go on strike, you're not supposed to use the

railway.

You stay off it.

So ladies are going to get beat.

Ladies are going to get beat.

I don't think that quote will age great, but we have the clip.

No.

No, ladies going to get beat.

Show the clip.

Run the clip.

No, no, this is the clip.

This is the Instagram clip.

Just you.

No, show the clip.

No, it's not that tonight.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Now you have to go track down footage of women beating up women around 1900s.

Show the clip.

I think we have a clip.

I think we have a clip of this.

And you're involved with that footage?

Yeah.

That's what I'm here to promote.

Do you want to tee up?

Yeah.

Do you want to tee up the clip?

Yeah, so yeah.

So in the 1900s, a bunch of women beat up other women because they were kind of crossing the strike line.

So I think we have, I think that's what this is.

But it was a great project to be involved in.

Are you in there?

No.

No.

I just, no, that's it.

So,

yeah, there you go.

That's it.

Oh, Dave, you're muted, which is the best part.

Even the school ma'ams have been warned that it will be safer for them to walk to the scene of their labors than to use the streetcars.

Under circumstances, it will be in order.

It might have been school, yeah, school ma'ams.

Either way, school ma'ams is better than moms.

I don't, yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Under the circumstances, it will be in order for the teachers to strike for an increase of salary to cover the cost of the carriage hire and life insurance.

Now I'm a little lost

in strike logic.

Yeah, they always have something fun and cool, like umpire gets beat up and then it gets into they go wandering off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is a little inside strike.

Nice.

No?

Anyone?

I agree that one didn't worry.

Well, let's just revisit the last one because I think that one really didn't.

Okay, go ahead.

Calispel should feel proud of its band.

There are a few musical organizations in Montana of the size and age of the local band that render such good music.

There is no better advertisement for a town than a good band, unless it be a good newspaper.

Oh, fuck off.

How dare you?

Key to a good newspaper, a good writer.

That guy's definitely one of the guys going through a divorce.

I mean,

and the band didn't do anything.

He just likes them.

I thought it was going to be,

they won something, but no.

No, he's just saying every town should have a town band.

They sound pretty good.

I actually am a little bit for bringing that back.

Like having a town band would be, yeah, just kind of like, you know, in your town.

You're like, all right.

Fuck yeah.

Hey, hey, things are going to be all right.

You know, I would like that a little bit.

Is that how it works?

Yeah.

You just hear bam and you're like, hey, this town's coming along.

Hey, it's not so bad.

That's me.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, it's not going to be that bad for long.

You just got on the march down Main Street playing.

Yeah.

Although, like hour two, I'd be like, these guys need to shut the fuck up.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, they do.

I've heard Dixieland over and over again.

This is crazy.

God, that's a little harsh.

What?

Fuck him.

Things are not going to be okay.

Things are back to how they were before I liked the band.

Buffalo for calispel.

Mr.

C.E.

Conrad has purchased one-eighth of the Allard herd of buffalo, which have been ranging for a number of years, past on the Flathead Reservation.

This is my son, C.E.

He's a good boy.

He's a buffalo man, like his dad.

He can't hear because of a stampede.

We do the whole.

You guys did the whole movie, but buffaloes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It will be.

It's a four-hour podcast.

Yeah.

I mean, the only, we kind of Mel Brooks that in the middle with the whole he can't hear the herd sort of.

I don't know what we were kind of going for there.

We got a little deep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do it

Every time.

We got tired by the end, and a lot of it became oil again.

Yeah, the milkshake.

Well, we couldn't figure the milk, like the milkshake stuff was not working at all with the buffalo.

This makes no sense.

So then we kind of like,

I don't, honestly, I don't know.

I don't even know why we edited it.

We were all kind of, it was attrition.

The buffalo don't seem to lose much of their wildness by the herding process, and Mr.

Conrad wisely nominated the bond that the shaggy creature should be delivered.

It is expected that this part of the contract will be somewhat difficult to fulfill, as the buffalo will be much harder to handle than the ordinary range steer.

And it will be a ticklish job to get them from where they are ranging now to the pasture.

That's definitely something I'm going to start incorporating into my life.

Go ahead.

This could be a bit ticklish with the traffic and all.

I don't know.

I don't love it, guys.

This could get ticklish.

What?

Could be a bit ticklish.

I think the whole evening is going to be pretty ticklish.

I think next time the guy with the cop with the gun shows up to your show, hey, things might get a little ticklish out there tonight.

There's a guy with a gun.

There's a guy packing.

Could be a bit ticklish, but don't be thrown off.

Oh, fuck.

The present plan of transportation is to load the battle.

That is a big word for me, not to cut you off, Dave.

This is a big moment.

You're going to see a newbie.

Ticklish.

You're going to hear this a lot from me.

It was a bit ticklish.

Things could get a bit ticklish.

A bit ticklish.

You're going to hear me say that.

I don't know.

I think it might get a bit ticklish.

Only if you tickle us.

No, no, I could just.

That's that's weird.

That's not what this is.

I'm pissed off by that.

Now, stop saying that.

That's not what I'm talking about.

You keep doing that.

Things could get a bit ticklish.

I'm not happy.

The present plan of dressing

things could get a bit ticklish.

Jesus, I'm going to go see a comedy show.

Things might get a bit ticklish.

Covered in blood.

Things got pretty ticklish out there.

Officer, that is when things turned a little ticklish.

Sorry, what?

That's when things

got ticklish.

Your Honor, my client was in a ticklish mood.

And things turned ticklish.

What are you in for?

Yes, things got a bit ticklish.

Let's just leave it at got a bit ticklish.

Let's just say things got a little ticklish on the outside.

Ah, fuck.

Moving buffalo will be more ticklish than

steers.

Than steers.

It's more ticklish.

It's a bit ticklish considering they are enormous beasts.

Getting

stampeded to death.

Man, that did did it a bit ticklish on him, didn't it?

That's why you work with horses.

Cows, whatever they are.

I don't know.

It's a bit ticklish.

The present plan of transportation is to load the buffalo on a barge at the foot of the lake and have the steamer tow the barge to Demersville, which will be only about five miles from their destination.

Five miles transporting buffalo on a steamship.

No, no.

Then they're only five miles.

I think they're coming from a lot further away than five miles.

Oh, and then they have five miles to walk.

This ends with them going, what if we just killed them all instead?

That was a good idea.

That's way better.

So they're having to move them all over the place.

That's a way better idea.

Because

hey, look, meat.

Yeah.

There aren't any anymore, are there?

I mean, I know, like,

I drove through like a weird living zoo thing once that has like a couple of people.

I I like a dead zoo.

This is a bit of.

You should have said that on the outside of this place.

Do you see the rotten tiger?

Things got a bit ticklish.

I think they're a buffalo.

Just like in the wild?

I think.

Not a ton.

I mean, there's, you know, it's.

I think we're diminishing everything.

They are considered near-threatened.

There's 200.

Gotta love our world.

Plains.

2,500 2,500 left.

Conservation.

There's 420,000 in commercial herds.

What the fuck are you?

Oh, so they're still killing them for food?

Well, that's for Rogan.

Outside of Rogan, how many are there?

I mean, look, they're not extinct because you can see them on Catalina Island.

So,

right?

Come on.

They're in a mine?

Come on, boys.

What do you mean?

Yeah, they're in a mine.

There's Buffalo in Catalina.

Did you not know that?

No.

No.

There are.

There are some in the living zoo I drove through.

Yeah.

You know, life's a living zoo.

There was like three of them, and then you go through another gate and there's like four wolves.

It's pretty cool.

You know,

your whole story is a little bit ticklish.

Where was this?

It was in between, I was driving to Michigan from LA, so it was in between there.

This is, I see this a lot driving on the road where you'll be in Kansas and you'll be like, giraffe.

Oh, God.

I don't feel good.

Oh, no.

They're like, one giraffe.

You're like, that's horrible.

Come see one giraffe and a jaguar.

You're like, oh,

yeah.

No.

By the way, they're threatened.

The Allard herd is probably the only buffalo left in the West outside of those in the national park.

The close visitage of a herd of buffalo will add in no small degree to the attractiveness of ball as a point of interest to visitors.

Yep.

Sure.

So they kind of acknowledge this is our last batch of them.

We got to get them on that boat.

Hold on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

That's it.

That was fun.

Well, that's the end.

That's the pastimes.

That's the pastimes, Mike.

You did it.

So now, Dave, you can finally tell us who won the guessing of the year.

I think that'd be a good way to end.

Yeah, that was Mike.

Interesting.

All right.

well i heard the yes uh it's mike

mike o'brien thank you for joining us business trips your podcast with brad morris who will be on uh this show soon uh anything else to have people follow you when's that next when's the next show you're doing with the armed officer um that that

would be a lesion in like two weeks so hopefully this comes out before but in la if people are around check that out where can people get tickets alysion website Yeah.

And there's a link in my Instagram bio.

And yeah, I think things are going to be a lot of fun.

Will you say what your Instagram is?

Mike O'Brien12345.

It is.

A lot of mics.

You're probably, you're one of the

really,

you have one of the funnier Instagrams.

Just very quickly,

Mike did sort of

like catalog modeling for a while, but then the best thing he would do is he would

into like

a live feed of someone famous.

I might not even be able to get through it.

He'll go in a live feed of like DJ Khaled or something where he's like, you know, DJing.

And Michael will be like, all right, this is going to be awesome.

And then the next screenshot will be like, I ate a bunch of crab meat earlier today to get ready for tonight.

And the next one will be like, oh man, really digging this event.

Stomach's a little gurgly.

And then the next one will be like, oh, man, I'm in the bathroom.

This is surrounded by thousands of comments.

He's just having some little meltdown.

You rolled it out perfectly.

Yeah, always some

second or third one has to mention what was eaten.

And then

there was one specific one that always had a shout out by the DJ to Donnie Wahlberg.

And so after I'd like blasted my pants or whatever, I'd always say, Is Donnie Wahlberg in here?

That was such a like they were always like, Michelle Obama's in here, and Donnie Wahlberg.

And you're like, What?

I bet that

don't announce when Donnie's in here.

Well, this guy's having horrendous food poisoning.

Ah, shit.

Well, thank you so much, Mike.

Thank you for having me.

This was so much fun.

Yes, come back.

Please come back.

Would love to.

Awesome.

Good to see you guys.

Some of these days.

You'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of The Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.