693 - Juan Cortina - Live

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You're listening to the dollop.

This is an American history podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a son of a bitch. Hey.

Hey, he's just making him a local, y'all. Gareth Reynolds has no idea what the topic is going to be about.

Now, wait a minute. There's a third chair.
There's a third chair. Uh-oh.
We got a guest. It's the guy that I had-hold my soap.
Yeah.

It's his soap boy.

Do you want me to introduce him? Sure, we could do it together. You want to do it together?

He is from a little podcast called

El Dala

Adora.

Yes.

That's right, he stole our idea and made it huge in Mexico, which is what they've always been doing

Hello

How's it going? How you doing Eduardo? Thank you for being here.

Enjoy the hands are still kind of slippery from holding all that soap Yeah, no, you're lubed up. Oh wait, I got to tell one story.
So the guy was helping us tonight Yeah

said he was like when we were in the elevator, he was like, my wife, when she heard the dollop is coming, was really excited. I was like, oh, that's really nice.

And he's like, but I guess it's a different show. They spell it D-O-L-U-P.

I was like, what? What? Yeah. There's one, and it's like a drag podcast.

And she was like, really excited. And then he's like, so what's yours history? I was like, yeah, but it's like, I wear a pink hat sometimes.
So it's totally like,

we're fluid. I mean, that is Texas drag.
Yeah,

this is. Completely.
It's like, hey,

I'm going out as a lady tonight.

Well, when you put it it in to the search engine, it's like, no, you mean the dollop.

Our show.

No, yeah, it's literally like, you don't mean what you're saying. That's good.
And then I put in Doolip and it says, I am a gamer and I'm mostly caught up in school, so I don't post that often.

Hit that kid up. Let's see what he's up to.
That's awesome. Let's follow that thread a little bit, Dave.
Start talking to this kid.

I'm a gamer. I'm a gamer.
I am mostly caught up in school, so I don't post that often. 100% fishing for all the weird dudes yeah

well he got one he sure fucking did

without question how you doing little dollar fella

what games you like i like park cheesy

and you know sometimes sometimes love can be a game

just talk to my ex-wife shelly

why don't you read the goddamn thing

is your hat on too tight like what No. Always.
It's the opposite. It's loose.

You can't come to Texas and tell us how to do stuff, Eduardo.

I am sorry. Yes, sir.
Luciento.

By the way, I burned Baño and Luciento. That's it.
I got nothing else.

May 16th, 1824.

Juan Cortina.

I think it's called Juan Cortina. I think that's the right way to spell it.
It's going to be a long time. This podcast is going to be a nightmare.

I mean, you can say John Curtin. That's what it means.

Juan Cortina. John Curtin is awesome.

Was born in an Adobe and rock house in Camargo, Tamalipas, Mexico. All right.

There's a Camargo in Chihuahua where I'm from. I don't know if it's the same one.
I don't think so. But

yeah, I think it.

It was born to Trinidad, Cortina, and Estefana Gossiacochia.

What the fuck did you try to say? Yeah, look, I can't. I mean, to me, it looks like...
Stefana.

If I was to translate this, it would be

Goose Coco.

They were a wealthy cattle ranching family, and the family's land grant was over 260,000 acres. Wow.
Fuck.

That's a lot. Yeah.

And how many acres is that in today? Seven. I think it's like 500,000 now.
Wow. Yeah.

Inflation is out of control.

It's doubled at least. Yeah.

So his dad was an Alcade of

a town in Mexico. He was a what? Alcade.
Alkade? Like your dad? I called? Alcalde? That's just, he was the mayor.

How'd you say it? Alcalde. That's fucking bullshit.
He's a mayor

He was the actual mayor he's a mayor of his town and his mom was considered a very cultured woman and she had a bunch of half-siblings

and After three years they moved to Matamoros Which is just across the border from Brownsville Texas Okay, I think

I think it's pronounced Matamoros, but it's fine Matamoros

So

the years he grew up there, there was a lot going on. This is just before he was born, Mexico gained its independence.

Congratulations. Yeah, some of us are wooing.

The first few years of his life, there were many horrible raids by Native Americans. And when he was 12, Comanche warriors attacked ranches near Matamoros, killing people and taking livestock.

So Juan hates Native Americans.

So can I just say, welcome to America, buddy? Yeah.

Was he given his green card like right then and there?

When he was a teen, nearby towns and villages revolted against the Mexican government. When he was around 18, 200 Texans raided across the Rio Grande in retaliation for

Mexicans attacking San Antonio.

So fucking think about that.

I don't know, man. And the Texans were defeated.
I didn't do anything.

I'm just tonight's DEI hire.

I don't know what's going on.

We're not paying you.

That tracks.

You just DEI.

And Juan watched as people cheered in a Matamoros

as the defeated Texans were marched through the streets.

That's the thing.

You guys probably don't read about that in your Texas history books, do you?

Not so thirty. They're all about the Alamo.
Yeah.

They're not laughing very hard at that stuff.

Still not over it

now a local Irish merchant said Juan was a quote bold and daring fellow who spent time working with horses and as a guide for travelers and he and his vaquero friends spent time out on the prairies and in the chaparral and they went to fandangos and they drank and they gambled and they danced and they got into fights i mean what else were you gonna do it was i know right that's like yeah that's the whole thing yeah go see movies fandangos

As a young man, everyone knew you did not fuck with Juan.

Quote, the man who crossed Cortina courted trouble and danger.

So he's a bad boy. But like you on Twitter.
That's right.

Oh, was he just blocking people? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He just blocks people that people would message whoever his friends were and be like, hey, can you ask Juan to unblock me?

Like, no, you know what you did. Yeah, yeah.

He dressed well. The ladies were very into him.

Everyone liked Juan. He had charisma.
He was 5'6, very, so really tall.

Yeah.

Very good looking. He had green eyes and a beard.

Not educated. And as an adult, did not know how to read or write.

So fucking catch. Yeah, that also tracks.
Yeah, hot and dumb. Yep.

At 20, he joined the Guardia Nacional de Tamaulipis.

Tamalipis. Guardia Nacional de Tamaulipis go ahead.

Let him struggle.

Okay.

They're bad boys. What are they all about?

It's an army of some sort. Sure.
And he rose to the rank of corporal. And around this time, he seduced an older widow with three kids.
He seduced an old widow with three kids. Yeah, fuck yeah.

So he took three kids to the widow and she was seduced by that? Yeah, that's right. Hey, what do you think of these three kids? Yeah.

I mean,

I never learned

them so fast than that. Yeah, you get a widow, you show her three kids, she comes in, and then he's banging away.

Jesus.

It's called hot sex.

You guys don't know how to set a trap.

His parents were super not into it. Into what? The seduction? Yeah,

being with the older widow. They didn't like that they wanted him to be.
How old is the widow? A widow.

She's like 30-ish, and he's like. That's fucking hilarious.
They were like, oh, what an old bag. She's 31.
Yeah.

Yeeky.

And then he married his cousin when he was 21, and she was 16.

Fuck me.

That's fucking hot.

I didn't know Mexico had an Arkansas.

We have like three.

but then he abandoned his cousin which really upset his mom that's a crazy family that's a horrible family reunion

that is an awkward family how dare you divorce your cousin

she's right over there

but he does keep banging the widow

and then they had a kid oh nice He would actually end up marrying the MILF in like four years.

You mean the widow? You just turned her into a MILF. Oh, he would actually end up marrying the widow.
Yeah.

Hey, buddy, try to keep it focused a little bit.

I mean,

she already had three kids, right?

By definition, she's a MILF. Who wants to fuck her? She has three kids.
Okay, keep it in your pants.

So he ended up jagging off to the MILF picture after the show. I mean, he ended up.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Juan built a ranch called San Jose about 10 miles from Brownsville, and the Republic of Texas became part of the U.S. in 1846, and then Mexico broke off diplomatic relations.

We've done so much for you. So much.

We still let you make tacos. That's fine.

You try to take that away from us. Yeah.

And we made Taco Bell and del Taco for you.

You're welcome. Do you have Taco Bell in Mexico? They tried to

go and set up a few in Mexico City and they were just ran out of town.

They had to make a run for the border. They already.

That's so fucking great.

That's fucking

so fucking good. Oh my God.
That is so great.

Do you want to have a Dorito taco with hella sauce? Get the fuck out of here.

Are you interested in a beef taco?

No, senor.

English. That would be a great movie, actually.
We didn't talk about trying to come to Mexico. That would be great.

So the U.S. claimed the Mexico border was at the Rio Grande, while Mexico said it was Rio Nueces.

Yeah.

There's actually, where I'm from, there's

like right by El Paso, Texas. We have a couple of parks that are like in a where the river used to be because it moved.
So we gained like.

Oh, the river moved. Yeah, like the, I mean, it was a, it had water back then.
Crazy times. So.
A river with water? Yeah, I know. It's weird.

So the riverbed sort of moved after a flood, so they were fighting over like a strip of land, and we kept it.

Congratulations. That's awesome.

Security, everyone who clapped, let them. Yep.

At the time, what we're talking about, this giant swath of land is disputed. But the main area we're talking about is the little red slashes between the Nueces River and the River.

Nueces means nuts, by the way. It means what? Nuts.
So they're fighting over the nuts strip. So that which is like the landing strip, but for a guy.
Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, look, it's the Gulf of Mexico.
That's not even there anymore. anymore.

Miss it? Eh, it's fine.

It's ours, bitch.

And the American Canal.

Well, at least we don't have Taco Bell.

Wait a minute.

I like it.

So the U.S. Army is is sent to the Rio Grande, and a Mexican army is sent also there.

And Juan said patriotism caused him to, quote, take up arms and to fight against the invaders.

The Mexicans.

No. He was in that area.

So he was used as a scout by the Mexican army, and he took part in fighting and was a combat veteran when he was just 21. Wait, wait, now I'm confused.

Are you sure Cortina or Curtin was his last name, or that was just his attire?

Do you want to know his full name? I didn't want to have to do this because it's just this is going to be an assault on Spanish.

We are about to witness a hate crime.

Juan Nepo Muceno Cortina Goscia Gosciacoche.

Juan Nepomuceno Cortina. What the fuck was the last one? Gosia Coche.

Dave, that's just the MILF picture. Oh, okay, yeah.

Yeah, I get why he keeps it around. Juan Nepomuceno Cortina Gosia Cochella.
Yeah, there we go. Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, what he said. Yeah.

But he's called Cortina in history books. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, I just want Cortina because it's really complicated.

Everyone's like, I'll give you that one. Yeah, that one's crazy.

The Mexican army is defeated, and the U.S. marched into Matamoras in May 1846.

So Juan's humiliated by this. His property falls into the hands of the enemy, and the army sets up

a supply base at his childhood home. That's fucked.
Oh, wow.

Juan lived a nomad life at this point. He was wandering and fighting.
Wandering

Yeah

Now you can mute him. Yeah,

he was wandering and fighting isolated

I just did it You see it feels good, right? No, I haven't seen you smiling in years like that. He liked it Look at him.
He liked it

And he is fighting isolated American units and, quote, fleeing.

Okay.

Now, Mexico City falls to the Americans in 1847. Boo.

Yeah, the dead. By the way, right now, Mexico City has also fallen to the Americans.

They're just moving here. In a different way.
Yeah, they're just moving there and taking the spice out of life. Yeah, we're just walking around being like, Do you have ranch dressing?

I'd rather a war.

What's the Wi-Fi?

Give a QR code. I don't like a sticky menu.

Oh, God.

Tell them about the Karen story. About what? The woman who with the parking.
Alright, so there's this place like in southern Mexico and this Mexican

guy just parked in front of a house, you know, by the curb, because the curb is public property. Yeah, parked.

Yeah, so he just parked there, and this American lady, this expat, you know, quotes, comes out and she's upset and she calls the cops on the Mexican guy to have his car removed.

And then she's upset because the cop is not speaking English.

And the cop is just like, que?

No, it's not okay.

Speak English.

Do you know where you are?

Bingcha Viefa. What are you going to talk about?

Yep.

Oh, fuck. We're going to be able to do that.

The best. Yeah.
By the way, in Mexico, we call them Karin. Not Karen.
It's Karin. Karen.
Yeah. That's way better.

Karen. Or we call her, you know, Binch of Cap.
But that's a different thing. Yeah.

They get it. They have Mexicans and Houstons, right? Yeah.

It's sad. We're going to have to invade you guys again.
Yeah.

So Mexico City falls. The Treaty of Guadalupe Hildago is signed, and Juan cursed and rewarded.
Guadalupe dalgo. I'm sorry.
It's just,

I don't want to do this, but it just hurts. It's why you're here.
Yeah, I get.

Yeah, but you're wrong. Juan cursed and ridiculed it, feeling it was humiliating for Mexico, and he returned to his mother's land and his ranch.

But his land is now.

He just went back to Cryden in his mansion. Yes.
Yeah, he just went back to like a quarter of a million acres. He was like, but

they keep taking from me.

So his land's now in the U.S., and he's living living amongst the enemy that he hates.

So he gets a job working for a contractor at Fort Brown.

So now he's helping the armor that he fought against

and

he would help wagons trains going north. And the first one

was

75 wagons and Juan was put in charge of it. And a little way through, he gets into an argument with the wagon master.
Oh, no.

You don't want to fuck with that guy. No, he's the master of wagons.
Yeah, yep. But he doesn't understand a lot of English.
And when his boss arrives, sounds like a caron. Yep.

When his boss arrives, Juan was, quote, aside the wagon master and choking him.

I mean,

that's really the universal language. Yes.

Choking the wagon master.

You must listen to my wagon horse.

Shut up. The man's face was black and his tongue was protruding from his mouth.
He was almost dead. Oh, shit.

Did not get fired, though.

Because Mexicans are awesome workers. That's because Mexicans are great workers, and even if we try to kill our masters, they still employ us.

By the way, sorry about dropping the soap earlier.

I mean, you do a good job. What am I going to do? Sometimes you kill me.
Yep. Happens.

Very next job. Herding some mules.
He gets into another argument and ended up. The mule daddy.

and he kind of had a strike. He took a bunch of Mexican herders with him and they all walked off the job.
Oh wow. But his boss still

complimented him and said he had been faithful and effective. Next he finds work with a guy, Kentuckian,

to buy and drive 80 mules north to Kentucky. Is that a distance? Yes.
Okay. Yeah.

You won't go about 80, 85 mules north.

Take a a ride, go five mules. I mean, you guys will use anything but the metric system.
I don't care.

Because it's better.

You people should be switching. Come on.
It's obvious. It's about 14 Taco Bells south.
Yeah.

It is so funny that we came up with a... We probably were like, everyone will come around.
Everyone's like, no, it's fucking dumb. We're like, well, fine.

No, we can't come around because we don't know how long we have to go around because the fucking distance is measured in mules. It makes sense if numbers don't matter.
Yeah,

love of God,

stop fighting it. We're right.

We came up with a better one. I mean, leave it to the country with like the worst math scores ever.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Buddy, we're just we got rid of the Department of Education to get those up, first of all.

Yeah,

you ain't seen

something yet.

What matters is what Jesus thinks

He hated education,

yeah what's what's the circumference of a circle whatever Jesus wants it to be yeah boom think about it put that in your calcutator

Try that mouse

So just days into this drive the Kentuckian is found dead and some people said Juan had killed him. I think he did.

I mean, they were just trying to talk and got out of hand. Yeah.

Juan's very close friend, Adolphus Glavaki,

said Juan took the mules and sold them to the army. So now Juan is indicted in Brownsville, but he's never apprehended.
Okay, and he's got a third.

He likes making money, obviously, and he's okay with killing, it seems like. Months later, Juan is two two of his friends are accused of robbing a wagon train and then stealing some sheep.

A wagon train? Yeah, a train of wagons. Okay.

And then stealing some sheep. A lot of people are wrestling at this point in the area after the war.

And Brownsville is an awesome spot to bring goods in by ship and then smuggle them into Mexico without paying a tax. Okay.

That still happens, by the way.

You said wrestling? Wrestling.

Cattle wrestling. Uh-huh.
You did this yesterday where you actually think that I'm talking about wrestling cows. I'm hoping.

What I'm doing is hoping. I'm hoping that they're coming up with characters.
No one is actually wrestling cows. It's wrestling.
Yet.

Yet. Yeah, it could be awesome.
I mean, isn't the head of the Department of Education from the WWE?

It's really not.

That just happened to you.

So the city is attracting those type of people who are involved in those kind of crimes, and a lot of Europeans are into that. And they come...
Europeans committing crimes? You can imagine.

What is this? It's crazy.

And they challenged Mexican Texans for control of the land. And Spanish land grants, which go back all the way to 1767, are now being disputed.

And a lot of Mexican Texans never even knew their rights under the Treaty of Guadalupe Hildago, and their lack of English puts them in a really bad spot.

And several Americans just make a fortune on taking advantage of these people. Imagine.
That still happens.

Just Americans making money, taking advantage of people? Yeah, that still happens. No, what? I don't think that's fair.
No? All right.

We're talking about the past. Yeah,

that stopped a long time ago.

You were going back. I mean, measles is back

because we want it back. Because the best way to get rid of measles is to make sure every kid gets it.
The dust bowl is coming back. I mean, we wanted the dust bowl.
We like dust. We're into it.

These are all choices.

It's called manifesting, dude.

I'm sorry. I'm just.

You just came here to shit off. We're doing good stuff.
No, I know.

It's just weird for me as a Mexican to be on the other side of it.

What do you mean by that, asshole?

Explain yourself.

Take a Taco Bell!

It's like, it's weird to gloat to Americans about stuff.

I'm telling you, we will climb up. I figure it's the most reluctant applause.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. And we're fucking here's.
Because they're like, yeah, you're right. Oh, shit, you are right.

Mark my words, we will be climbing that wall.

We're coming.

You take

Mexican urine and you drink a Mexican urine it will stop the measles

Dave's thirsty so

go go down to Mexico and

to El Paso and if you ask them if you ask them for urine Dave's RFK give it to the young children Dave's RFK sounds healthy.

It sounds like what happens to RFK during a full moon or something. It's like

he's like fully like

That's RFK pre-worm.

It's after like the baby, the bear that he dumped in New York, but before the worm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pre-worm.

That's why he did heroin. He was like, cause I can't and then

oh, sweet Jesus, that's fucking good shit.

It definitely was the worm who was like, I'm a heroin addict, too. And he was like, well, that's not very good.
So he just likes that one vaccine?

And boy, howdy-diddy.

I take the flu shot every morning.

So Juan is now concerned about his mother's land, and he goes to this mass meeting in Brownsville on February 2nd, 1850. There's speakers there, and they're like, Texas has no claim to this territory.

And then everyone at the meeting signs a petition to create the Rio Grande territory, which would be separate from Texas. But they're being duped by land speculators, basically.

And it's a big scheme. And so Texas now creates a commission to look

into all the land grants. Right.

And

the whole thing, it goes back to like the Spanish game, and then they're like, this is ours. And then the native Mexicans were like, what the fuck? And now there's like,

I don't know, hundreds of years later, somebody else is like, oh, well, that land is not for the Spanish anymore. Now it's for the Texans.

And then the Texans are like, well, what the fuck is happening? And I don't know. It's still going on.
It's weird. I'm confused.
You should. That's where we want you.
Yeah, thank you.

That's exactly where we want you. That's right where we want you.

Because you guys got the cartel, so we're going to have to take a lot of land. I'm going to make a buffer zone.
So we're going to have to fill it with Taco Bells. A couple hundred miles.

About 600 mules worth of money. That area is actually going to be called the Taco Bell Strip.
Yep. Taco Bell Strip.
All right.

And you'll like it. You'll come to enjoy the bean burrito and the bell bean.

Have you had the Dorito Shelled

Burrito Supreme? I actually have had a Doritos taco loco, whatever. Yeah, locos, yeah.
Yeah, I'm ashamed to admit that I actually liked it. Okay,

we are finding common ground here.

But I think it's just because I lack melanin.

He is a very white Mexican gentleman. White Mexicans exist.
We are called white.

And we are also the worst. No,

I have seen the white Latino all over South America America where they seem to be in charge of everything, which is interesting.

We're still not letting you in.

Nice try. Cannot come in.
Nice try.

Son of a boy. You got too white.

One's mother, Estefana, had to hire lawyers to fight for her land. Against claims now being made by these rich Brownsville guys.
And a judge rules for her,

but that pisses off the rich guys so much that the judge was impeached. Wow.
That still happens.

Yeah, it does.

Imagine.

But she still has to pay for the trial, defending her own land. That's crazy.
And she has to use some of her land to pay the lawyers. That's perfect.
And his ex-buddy, Glavecki, remember Adolphus?

Yeah,

stood as a witness as she signed away a portion of her Brownsville land for $1 to the guys who had sued her,

even though she won. Right.
So it's perfect. Yeah, she's still

the American way. Yeah, they win no matter what.
So Juan is fucking pissed at this conspiracy that's taking place, quote, vile men

in a secret conclave who took Mexicans' land. And he does not believe the new Americans and the Mexicans could live in peace.
So Brownsville's Anglo-merchants wanted to create a free trade zone.

These people always

filibusters wanted to create a Republic of Rio Grande in northeast Mexico. So, that's a private country they wanted to make.

Juan's cousin, Jose Maria de Jesús Carvajal. That was actually pretty good.
Wow.

Bam! Yep.

So,

becomes the leader of a separatist movement bankrolled by merchants, and he raises an army of 400 men and promises to return escaped slaves to Texas. Cool.

Oh, my God.

So he starts taking over towns. He's just a separate militia.
Sure. Right.

And Juan defends Madam Oros when they attack, and Carval is defeated. So he beats his cousin.
Nice.

And in 1855, Juan resigns from the military as a lieutenant, and Brownsville is now a boomtown, and laws were made to make it more civilized.

Did that work?

That never works.

And one can't ride animals on sidewalks, and bathing is now regulated in the river. Wait, what?

We're making laws to make the place more civilized. So you can't

ride your fucking pig on a sidewalk. And what's this last one? You can't just bathe in the fucking river.
Oh, you can't.

Still. Come on.

And they tried to cut down on rowdy parties. Jesus Christ.
Let's fucking kill that shit at like 10. Come on.
Right. Well, if there's no rowdy parties, I'm not going to bathe in the river.

Why would you, if you're not coming from a rowdy party, why would you ride your pig on the sidewalk? Yeah. Is it riding pigs? Is that really what they're afraid of? I'm assuming.

I don't think I've ever heard of Mexicans having rowdy parties.

I don't think that's a thing.

I don't think anybody here has a neighbor who has like

banda music playing at three in the morning. No.

You mean the culture that turned the accordion into a rock musician?

How the fuck did they...

Goddamn teenagers made accordion rock?

It's actually not bad.

It's not right, but it's not bad. It's not right.
It's definitely not right.

Not a lot of Mexicans took part in the city government, even though the population was mostly Mexican.

The local priests called the rich in Brownsville, quote, the scum of society. Yeah, well,

exactly. We celebrate that.

Of all the rich, the one Juan came to hate the most was his friend. The one one? What?

The Juan Juan hated the most. The one Juan that came to hate the most was his ex-friend, Adolphus Glavaki.
I knew it.

The one who said he murdered in Kentucky and stole the livestock and then fucked over his mother. Yeah, that motherfucker, yeah.
Yeah.

Glavaki was in local politics. He'd been a bunch of different offices over the years.
He was city alderman in 1857.

But so many people didn't like him when he was city alderman that the council passed a resolution calling for him to be removed. So they had to pass a law to get him out.
Yeah.

He's like, no, no. He's He's a dick.
Yeah, right. Okay.
So he wasn't that much of a dick. Yeah.
No, yeah. Legally, you fucking suck.

Get out.

Everyone who agrees that Adolphus is a fucking boner, get yes, yes. I fucking hate that twat.
Come on. Can we legally call him a twat? Yes, granted.
But be respectful.

Don't overuse it.

Actually, no, we can't, because I can see the look in your eyes right now, and you're going to abuse the privilege. I want to ride it on a cyber truck.
No.

We call that riding a pig down the sidewalk.

So when Glubecki and Juan had been friends, he had helped Juan's family with legal and financial matters, but Juan hated the conflict of interest.

during all that, and he once charged him with mismanagement and waste of his aunt's estate. And by 1858, they're now just pure fucking enemies.
They just fucking hate each other. Nice.

And Glovecki went before a grand jury and got three indictments against Juan for cattle stealing.

One was a, quote, brown-spotted, frizzly-haired cow. Yep, we know the type.
Yeah. A brown frizzy.

Absolutely.

And Juan began saying he would. I know it's kind of stereotypical, but everything's been brown so far.

Here we go. Four brown, brown's bill, brown cows.
I haven't noticed. I don't hear you.

I don't know what you're talking about. All right.
No, it's fine. Jesus.
It's not all about race, dude.

You're in America, okay? We're not all about race. Yeah, please.
Don't make this race war episode about race. Yeah.

It's about the new city's rights, right?

It's about the free trade zone, man. Of course, yeah, it's about the free market.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
So what if we're painting the black parts of our cows in this country? Don't worry about it.

It's fine. Those are just the spots.
It's just what we're doing. We're whitening them.
Don't worry, buddy. Angel cows.

All cows are angel cows now.

Juan began saying he would kill a dolphus on sight. Nice.
Now, there's a lot of inequality in the area. There were the rich guys, mostly white, who dressed really nice.

And then most of the population are Mexican and poor. They're dressed in rags.
They're living in huts.

Juan is a ranchero, and he dresses nice, but

he's related to the poor, and political situation very tense. Right.
And elections had a ton of fraud.

I'm sorry, but is he a brown savior?

He's a bit of a brown savior, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Elections have a ton of fraud, and in 1850, 21 votes were cast before the polls opened. But that's fine.
That happens.

That's a pre-vote. That happens.
No, that still happens in Mexico. Yeah, it still happens here.

Yeah, that's just classic.

There's already some in here. Oh, my God.
I already won before the ballots open. That's such a relief.
That's like Putin.

It's an honor to be a president again. The elections next week.
It doesn't matter.

In Ramonarino, a judge took the ballot box home at the end of the day. That's fine, though.

You're flagging that sort of stuff. Didn't that happen in Florida in like 2000?

It happened in Ohio in 2004.

Oh, yeah, both times George W. Bush won.
Oh, yeah, he didn't fucking win. Guys, look,

we like winners. He won, obviously.
Look how good of a job he did.

Now he paints dogs in Crawford. Sorry, everybody.
We like him. We do like him.
He's great. Thank you for him.
Should I just take the hat off now? I think it's going to his brain. Yeah.

Just exposed brain.

I'm fine.

Careful, they'll make you Secretary of Health.

So for elections,

Mexicans would claim to be Americans, just on and on. It's just tons of shit.

Anglos are still mostly winning elections, though, and Juan became involved in importing Mexicans to vote.

This is truly, like, exactly what Trump has invented. Yes, it is.
We got a guy, and he's bringing a bunch of Mexicans to vote, and they're voting for the

Liberal Democrats. And

they're putting five to ten of them inside of a donkey, bringing them across the... You see it a bunch of times.

They're voting with drugs. They're bad ombres.

They're all named fentanyl. You've seen it a hundred times.

I was talking to the CIA. They said, we don't know what to do.
There's so many of them.

I said, what can we do? They said, you got to nuke the border.

I'm both horrified and.

So we're building a Taco Bell. Oh, God.

And we're going to pay for it. The Rio Nachos Bel Grande.

With a dipping sauce.

Didn't he do like influencer marketing for like a can of beans last time around? Yeah, he did.

It was

Goya. Yeah, he was like, Goya is unbelievable.

So he hates beaners, but not beans? I don't get it.

I can say it, okay?

Can you?

Can you say it?

I shouldn't, but I can. You're allowed to.
It's very disgusting. When Dave said it backstage, that was offensive, though.

He had no right. He had no right.
And we again are sorry.

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Garrett Squarespace, of course. What is it? All-in-one, encompassing.
They do websites. They do domains.

They do everything you need to set up a business on the morning.

They don't do yard work. That's actually a whole different thing.
A little confused as to what we're doing. Well, I'm talking about with a website and

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if you want a profit, you can put up merch and you can do videos. I'll tell you what, I like a little bit of profit.

They host videos. We use Squarespace.

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Does he use it? He's no longer with us. My God, did this take a dark turn?

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I'm tired. We are also brought to you by

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There's no way you can name a number. No way.
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There's a newspaper in the area called the American Flag Newspaper. The American Flag Newspaper?

That's something else news. Right, yeah, again.
If my pillow guy, if the MyPillow Guy had a paper

called the Flag of America.

Quote: Quote, an hour before the election, they are fast friends. Mexicans, my very good friends.
An hour after the election, they are a crowd of greasers.

Oh, yeah, sure.

That's fine. We're sorry.

It's not your fault. No, but we didn't mean it.
It's cool. We love...
Look, you're not just greasers. You're great.
No, no, it's okay. It's fine.

I mean, that doesn't happen anymore. It's not like candidates nowadays

tell people, like, oh, yeah, we like you, and then forget about them when they win, right?

Not in this country, my man. Yeah.

Nope. Nope.
Fire everybody, everybody's equal. It's called socialism.
It's called communism. It's called what?

Anarchism? I don't know.

Sorry, I'm trying to look up the pictures because they disappeared on me. I mean, I get to go back to Mexico.
It's your problem.

Never thought of it.

Imagine 15 years ago hearing about I get to go back to Mexico. People be like, what?

Now we're like, take me with you. What's it like?

Milk.com. What the fuck?

We saw your other tabs.

The rest of my pictures didn't load, so whatever. The what? The rest of the pictures didn't load, so just fucking deal with it.
So we're going to be.

Well, if we're going to be on one picture, I think we all want to. We're going to be on this guy.

It's a good picture.

So, free alcohol flows. There's also intimidation and force of the polls.

So, Wand now becomes so in through his working with the election guys, he becomes so influential that in 1859, he's appointed to the County Democratic Committee, even though he's still under indictment for murder and wrestling.

Wow, criminals in office, huh?

The The Democrats, too. Yeah.
And now a lot of Mexicans are angry as their land is being taken through legal maneuvering and debt seizure and terrorism. So the whole place is...

It's like the that's on the list.

You know, debt stuff, terrorism. It's all, we're just figuring it out.
I'm sorry, were the Mexicans burning Teslas or something? What?

Did you dare? Yeah.

Yeah, they were.

Even back then. Even back then, yeah.

On July 13th, Juan rode into town to go to a saloon and a restaurant that he often went to, and in the street, he saw town marshal Robert Shears, who was an ex-Texas Ranger, pistol whipping an old Mexican man who had once worked on Juan's mother's ranch.

Now, Shears is from Kentucky, had a bad temper. He was known for chewing an excessive amount of tobacco and squinting his eyes in an annoying way.

I think, really, that's the worst part of it, yeah.

That's it, right there. So Clint Eastwood.
Yeah. Used to be cute.
Yeah. Then it got like weird.
Yeah.

Like the pistol whipping, fine, but the squinting, I mean. He might not have known what he was.
His eyes might have been closed and he might have just, his gun might have jammed or something.

We don't know. It's also

look at me like that again. It's also very sunny in Brownsville.

It is sunny. Yeah, you got to get a squint on.

Juan asked him why he was beating the guy. That's a really funny first start.

Like, instead of stopping it to be like, what's going on?

That guy's face is smashed. You broke an old man's head.

And Juan didn't like the answer, so he quote, quote, Juan, he answered me insolently, and I punished his insolence and avenged my countrymen by shooting him with a pistol and stretching him at my feet.

Viva Mexico!

Easy does it, Aurora. I'm sorry.
Easy does it, huh? I don't know what got into me.

And then Juan pulled the beaten man onto his horse and rode out of town with him. And as he did, all the Mexicans jeered.
Woo!

Woo! The marshal was not dead. Arima, Arima.
Wait, what?

The marshal would recover, and Juan rode to Matamoros, and then a 25-man posse was put together to hunt Juan.

But by the time it came to riot out of town, only five would go.

What happened there?

Just cold feet, or they just were like... They're scared of Juan.
They're scared of Juan. Okay.
Right.

Juan Cortino was now a hero to poor and underprivileged Mexicans on both sides of the border, and he was indicted in Brownsville for attempted murder. So he brings his family to Mexico.

And in Mexico, he is now given a captain's commission in the Federal Army.

I get it. Yeah, I get it too.
Yeah.

He starts recruiting men, and he's soon out 100 men. And he swore to get revenge on the sheriff and every man who had joined his posse.
Oh, shit. So that's why the 20 didn't show up.

They're like, technically,

I did not do it. So,

yeah.

So Glovecki is now deputy sheriff, and he's pretty sure Juan just wants to kill him.

So what gave it away? Yeah.

Was it the part where he said, I'll kill you next time I see you?

Or when he tried to kill him?

I don't know, man. Make signals.
It's weird.

On September 28th, 1859, Juan Cortina and 70 men crossed the Rio Grande at 4 a.m.

And his men would become known as

Cortinistas. Cortinistas.
Cortinistas, yeah. Yeah, the Cortinas.
The Cortiners, yeah. Yeah, Cortinistas.
Yeah.

And they entered Brownsville shouting, quote, Viva Chino Cortina.

Yeah, that's fine. What's Chino mean? Chino? Yeah, it's a pant.
No, Chino is like a Chinese. Yeah.
It's a what? Chinese. Whoever has like a, you know, you're lying.

If their eyes are vaguely Asian,

we call them Chinese in Mexico. I'm not proud of it, but it happens.
Are you being serious? I am being serious. You're fucking serious right now? I know no.
He's setting a trap for the whites.

Don't fall in it. I am fucking serious.

No, I am serious. No, no, no, no, no, I am serious.
So they're running across the border going, go, chink. What the fuck's happening right now? But that's the end of the show.

Not tonight's forever. I thought.

So much for the good guys. Look, we're not all perfect.

Okay.

Well,

Lo Siento, I don't know where to go. I don't know.

I don't think you're allowed to be racist. Is that correct? I don't know how it works.
Not really.

It's wrong. It's wrong.
Yeah, okay. We can do it.
I just am being clear. Oh, yeah, sure.
It's kind of a philosophy here.

No, I mean, for some reason, we just, anybody who has, like, my wife has, like, squinty eyes. I don't think we're allowed to have this conversation.
I'll be honest with you.

Your wife has squinty eyes? I don't think you're allowed to say that. I don't know that term, but.
So that you call her Chino around the world.

No, I don't, but you're thinking it all the time, aren't you? You're just sitting there thinking, Chino, Chino.

You disgusting racist. No, but you're less than a white, and I'm a white.

They used to call my mother-in-law China. China? What the fuck is happening? That's just China's pronouncement properly.

Because she had, like, no, because we have masculine and feminine forms, so Chino is for men. China.
Oh, yeah. I love how your racism is even

grammatically created.

So what if you're going to get it? If you're going to be racist, at least get your grammar right, Gareth.

If you've got...

Hey, Chino, it's China.

Get it right.

It's insulting.

I'm a woman. Respect their pronouns while you're being racist, please.
I'm a MILF.

I am a China.

Why are we walking around with pants? Like the Chino. What? We shouldn't be doing that.
No, no, none of it. That changes everything.

No.

These are my racist pants. Yeah.

Hey, honey, you see my racist pants?

I want to go troll some people.

You see my misogynist shorts?

The ones that camel toe right up front?

Want to go troll the lives at a hot dog stand.

We're mamoose knucklers.

Oh my god, Mexico was doing so well up until now.

Fucking.

We need to build a wall.

Guess who's going to build that wall if it gets built?

Chinos.

No, not the chinos. There's a part.

Dude. No.

No.

Don't say Chinos. No, they just.
The Mexicans and the Americans agree that Chinos should build the fucking wall.

They did build the railroads. Stop talking.

In what pants?

Mexicanos. Yeah.

They were wearing Mexicanos.

Mexicano pants. I'm just going to curl up here.

We'll see you guys later. Well, that's why it's great that these rotate.
So you could sort of... It's kind of like the voice.
Mine doesn't.

Dave, when you say something I like, I'll turn around to see who said it.

Viva Mexico! Woo!

Anyway, where were we?

Well, we were just coming together in our horrific racism. Yeah.

It was just a race-off.

I mean, that just happens when you get three guys together on stage.

And they also chanted, Maran a los gringos.

Oh, that's racist. Maran los gringos.
Los gringos?

Kill the gringos, I think, right? Quachingena samara los gringos. Oh, what? What's happening? How do you say, kill the gringos? Yeah.
How do you say it?

Say it into the microphone, kill the gringos. Maten a los gringos.
Say kill whitey. Say it.
Maten al blanquito.

Say it. name Whitey.
Wait, you're comfortable with that. What?

I'm sorry, dad.

So the poor of the city joined the attack, and Juan's raiders were in small parties of four or five each with

a specific person

they were seeking to kill. So he's just hit squads, yeah.

Yeah, he's got squads, death squads. So

they tried to to raise the mexican flag over the town but they couldn't find a rope what

imagine because yeah the whites had all the ropes i'm sorry what

uh they're in use

or pending use

we're having a great

a great rope shortage

Glavaki hid in a store on Levee Street as the Carnistas took guns, ammo, booze, and horses from homes. He kept control of Brownsville for a day and then he rode out of town.

He was now the first man to strike back against the racist society that many Tejanos believe was evil. I mean, you got to fight fire with fire, right? I agree.

Yeah, but then we look at it like someone came at us with fire out of nowhere.

What the hell happened? We were sitting around doing nothing. Our fire's allowed.

That night he gathered more than more men on the border, about 200, and said he wouldn't attack again if he could bring his livestock and personal

property into Mexico.

But also that he would, quote, kill those who had offended him once the opportunity offered. See, that's quite a second part of that.

I want peace. Just allow me to cross the border in peace.
Okay, we will. Plus, I have a kill list, and I plan on hitting them.

I'm done with the bullshit.

Retribution, I think it's called, right? Yeah. All right, that's cool.
Men came to negotiate, but Juan was very adamant that he was going to kill his enemies.

I mean, we're really talking. Remember, this guy is 5'6 ⁇ .
Like, he's... Yeah.

Have you ever seen a Chihuahua?

Have you ever seen a little Chihuahua dog just barking at a pit bull or something? I have. 5'6 ⁇ .

I mean, I'm like slightly taller than he is. I'm like 5'.

I'm like 6'2 ⁇ . No, you're not.

See, that's why you got to get to the metric system. God damn it.
Yeah. You're lost right now, baby.
You're lost.

Yeah, I'm 5'8 ⁇ , and it's fine. I do like going over to negotiate with him, and he's like, I'm going to kill him.
So what if you just...

I mean, remember when he talked to the wagon master, he choked him near to death. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

He was like at death's door. He doesn't take shit.
No, and he killed the other guy, too.

So when he rode into Matamoros, he was greeted as a hero. And then he issued a pronunciamento.

Pronunciamento, yeah. Pronunciamento.

Ironically, pronunciar is also, you know, how you say words.

So it's like a proclamation, but it's also like the same word is used for how you pronounce words, which you not pronouncing it right is just amazing.

You know, I really feel like I'm living inside of Duolingo tonight.

Yeah, let me tell you something.

I did not expect here

to be treated like this in Trump's America.

You're a white man under attack, huh, brother?

This is exactly what we've been talking about.

Let me ask you this. The way I pronounce it.
Yeah. As a white man.
All right, well, take it. It's the way it's pronounced.
Okay.

Anyway, he said something, and then

that's the way a lot.

When you take them out of the bubble and they say what they say, they're just like a weirdo shouting.

All right, grandpa, look, get off the chair.

Because they tried to take it away from me.

I'm a white. All right, sir, listen.
This is a cracker barrel. Sit down.

I have waffles.

Is that where they all meet at the Cracker Barrel?

I mean, well, if you can't afford Golden Corel. Yeah.

Not in this economy, Garrett. Eventually they'll all be at Denny's.

So basically he just said, yeah, he said, fuck everybody, and that was it, right? Yeah.

And the pronunciamento. That's better.

Which basically said that he, as a U.S. citizen, would fight the land speculators, and then Mexicans living in Texas would defend themselves to the death.

Brownsville.

The Mexican citizens were like, we're doing what? To the what? Hey, we didn't all.

No.

I just came here for the booze and the horses. What the fuck is happening? I want to be home by four.

Brownsville's postmaster said Juan was, quote, formally proclaiming a war of races.

Yeah. Yep.
Another on that.

I mean, at least it was formal, you know.

Hey, Luke, can I get another thingamadoodle?

Thank you. I'll have one while we're having it.
Luke's at our merch table back there, and we have a everybody say hi, Luke. Hi, Luke.
Hi, Luke.

If you see Luke, give him a snack. He likes him.

Do you heard about the snack today in the van? No. Oh, my God.
Holy. What did he do? Dude, what happened?

So we have a little segment on the Patreon called Luke Eat Snacks, and people send the the worst things you can eat.

And some

Sophia Lopez from El Monte, California, sent

we'll never forget her name

for what she did. It was a crime what she did to us.
It's a Chinese

Chino.

It's a Chino.

It's like

to say it.

Not in bed anymore

It

it smelled before the box was opened smelled she sent it was like fermented tofu or something

But then

it's we can't do it justice but I no it needs

no justice

when the seal was cracked I almost vomited in the van

But

it was open and it was the worst thing I've ever smelled without question Ever. We were in a van.
Like, we were not in, like, a location we could leave.

It's the kind of thing you would throw in a cyber truck.

And then the cyber truck would just turn into dust.

So this woman sent Luke like a biological weapon. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
She sent him like COVID, the next COVID. And he took a spoonful of it and actually ate it.
I had to eat it.

And I am almost vomiting. We're all almost vomiting.
He almost threw up in a liquid death box.

The irony.

And then we literally had to pull over and go to a gas station and fill the car with air fresheners.

Open all the doors and he bought like, I'm not kidding, like 20 air fresheners. Well, I mean, we had to attack.

We were attacked, and we're Americans. We strike back with real force.
That's right.

And then we threw it out, and Luke, we were like two hours later, like, it's nice the smell's gone. And he was like, It's still in my beard, and I can taste it.
And we're like, oh, well, that's,

I mean, you are the one who put it in your mouth, to be honest with you. So it's literally a biological weapon.
It was the worst.

I don't know how you get to be this old and not know about the worst thing on earth. Like, there is a new category of the worst thing on earth.
Yeah. It's the only thing he's not been able to swallow.

And believe me, I've tested it.

This is a family show. Yeah.
I made a family in his throat.

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck.

We're having fun.

So

in Brownsville, They said all the raiders were Mexican, and the city is now in a state of fucking panic.

No one knew who to trust.

They made barricades out of 80,000 bricks, and at night. So they built a wall.
They built a wall.

Isn't it amazing that the technology hasn't changed?

We're still like, hey, you got to build a, but it has to be really tall. That's all we've got.
Yeah, they fuck. It's got to be more bricks.

Bigger.

Taller wall. Oh, my God.

We haven't thought of the wall tall enough.

At night, the Anglos huddled in the central part of town.

The American flag paper quote, to the American press, Brownsville had become Fort Gringo.

I'm even a little confused by that one. Yep, so they're trying to reclaim the word, I think.
Yeah, right.

The G-word. Yeah.

They sent a message to Mexican General Carvajal asking for help.

And he sent

help.

Help. And he sent 50 militiamen from Matamoros to Brownsville to protect U.S.
citizens.

So

thank you. So now, so now the.
Thanks, Luke. Thank you, Luke.

You know what? Now that you mentioned it, I could smell it.

Yeah, look, you smell it.

It's just the regular hum.

That's his normal odor.

Right, so they've asked the Mexican

general for help. He sent men.
So now, Mexican military are in Brownsville to protect the scared gringos from the American

with the militia.

It's a little backwards. Yeah, no,

it's fucking crazy.

So

they also appealed to the Texas state government and President Buchanan.

So more, as it's going on, more people are joining Juan because he seems like a badass at this point.

So the villages along the Rio Grande and even from the interior of Mexico are all starting coming over to his side. Quote, some were almost naked.
Why?

Is there a reason? Yeah, we were ready to party.

Playing that goddamn accordion rock.

why naked is that just sort of that they didn't have any money and they couldn't buy clothes they literally had nothing is that right i mean they had nothing but a dream i mean that's how it is in my movie

i i read that script and i've told you that someone has to have money in it

we will build a wall

No, it's a barricade of bricks. It's not a wall.

In Corpus Christi Ranchero, it said he was taking advantage of, quote, idle, vicious, depraved, thievish, ignorant, and fanatical population.

Was he running for president?

When he said all this? But he did get 6,000 in donations from people in the Matamoros.

And in D.C. and Austin, they have no idea what the fuck is happening.
The border is very complicated. Imagine.

I like how one guy laughed at Austin had no idea what was happening.

The border is very complicated. The Texas Senate wanted the governor to send a thousand Texas Rangers, but the governor's not sure if he should do that.

And by October, wanted taking his army to his mom's land. Which sounds like a really weird thing.
Yeah.

Got to take the army to my mom's land.

Mommy hit his mouth. His mother's motherland.

Yeah.

You mean Mexico? Yeah, I agree. So he sets up fortified camps on his mom's land.
It doesn't sound manly. Sorry.
He sets up fortified camps on his mommy's land.

Better.

Stay on his MILF's land.

He's not fucking his mom. Hey, come on.
Somebody else was. Yeah.

Some of us are getting there in a different way. Let us go, babe.

And they even sent out groups, and they would take control of local villages.

He spends a lot, most of his time in Matamoros, where he just walks on the streets and is treated as a hero.

And then Brownsville concluded they are safe, and the Mexican militia leaves. And then the sheriff and Glavaki arrest one of Juan's best friends near his ranch.

And Juan said if he is not released, he would, quote, lay the town in ashes. So let him go.
That's what you do. You let him go without question.
Let him go. Yeah, you're not like, well, I don't know.

This guy seems like a fucking wimp. Yeah.

And in Brownsville, people said they would rather die than release him. So Juan attacks.

He taxed with 40 men in broad daylight, just shooting into the town. Did he attack just the one time?

It's literally all I keep thinking about. The amount of times I'm like, uh-huh.
Yeah, there was just one of them.

I'm asking you to just release my Juan friend.

It's one friend.

And the mayor

had gotten a howitzer from a steamboat. What? It's how you fucking do things.

Yeah, you go to the boat and you go, can I get a machine gun? Absolutely. We are a steamboat.
Why wouldn't we have a howitzer on here?

Here you go. Anything else you want? Grenades, nukes?

And he asked the Mexican military for help and they brought a cannon.

Well,

not a howitzer. So the Brownsville Public Safety Committee, who are just basically rich assholes, created the Brownsville Tigers Militia and they put in charge a Scottish sailor.
Fuck yeah, they did.

What the fuck is happening? I'll tell you what the fuck is happening.

This shit just got fucking real.

War

It makes perfect sense.

I mean, Juan was barely starting to understand American English, and then you sent him away from the business. There's not going to be a problem with any accents in this one.

I'm speaking perfectly clearly, Juan. I think you can understand every part of it.

Questasiendo?

You what? Questas diciendo. No, I don't understand that much.
But listen, what you've got to do is come around the back.

That's the zone, mate. They look at it that way.
You come back around, you go, oh, no, I've done nothing that. no seriously what the fuck are you saying no

no you're trying to make anything like that i got a bit like that right he's coming around the corner he's got a bit of squint you go oh my god what have you got a bit of a chino

wow don't say wow to me like that i'm allowed to say it i'm married to one

it's absolutely bloody fine in there anyway what was he up to then got a bit of snakey boys haven't i

tell you what you want to find out it's authentic, Scottsman. Have a look underneath, see if you've got the real saga bagpipes.

Bad news, mate. The humidity is not played well upon me.

Christ almighty, I've got to sit down there for a fucking orchestra. I'll tell you that much.

Have a look, see.

Oh, sick and tired of me, too.

You find your back of your little thing then.

Come on

again, I am both impressed and horrified.

So they are joined.

The Brownsville Tigers, led by this Scottish guy, Arthur. They trust me, I've got this.

Are joined by 75 Mexican militia. That communication, as we said, must have been amazing.
And they attack Juan at his ranch.

And the howitzer and the cannon fail.

I can't believe we've been unable to do it with a weapon status this, high. This has never happened to me before.
I must be nervous.

Got a bit of stage fright. Let's just rub each other's backs.

Unfortunately, before we got near his house, I shot everything all over.

So nervous. It's a compliment, if you think about it.
I was so excited to take him. That when I got there, I just finished right into the hill.

Give me 10 minutes to reload. Maybe we can have another go.
Yeah.

Let me have another shot, please. You promised me a Lagnus monster.
Well,

what can I tell you? You got a baby shark.

Apologize.

So they attack Juan at his ranch. The howitzer and cannon fail, and they push the howitzer into the river to stop Juan's men from taking it.
That is where you know you're fucked.

Yeah, you're just dumping dumping shit into the water. Hide the weapons from the other guys.

Hide our best weapon from our opponent. The tigers' muskets wouldn't fire because it was drizzling.
Oh my god, that's so fucking sad. By the way, I've had that happen before as well.

I need to have a dry condition. Otherwise, the musket won't shoot properly.
That's kind of a paradox, right? You have to be dry to get wet.

Well, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Chafing, all that, yeah.

You want the right amount of whip, but too much. All of a sudden, you're slipping in and out.

Don't know where you're going. Bing, bang, back door, oopsie poopsie.

Oh, it's happened. It's happened.

Oh, they're the bite two inches apart. You get confused.

Sorry about that.

Don't blame me. That was God's design.

Oh, he should have put one in the center of the chest if he wanted it to be clear.

Life's a bloody riddle, and so are the genies

the genies

the genie's

and they late they let this guy run the army hey

trust me

I'm just really hard

yeah because that's what he needs encouragement

you think that guy's even when that guy dies, he's a zombie, okay?

Trust me.

So they also discover that their cartridges are too big for their muskets, so they end up fleeing in panic.

A tiger quote: Our men commenced arriving in town, some on foot, others on horses, mules, and asses, almost sorry, mostly double, and many of them without arms.

There was just one guy who rode in on a pig. It was weird.

I rode in on a fucking ass once with no arms.

Junior College.

In the battle, Juan Cortina had lost two men and several were wounded. The Tigers lost one man.
The Cortinistas pulled the howitzer from the river and had the cannon.

I mean, in retrospect, tossing it all in the river isn't really great. Like, they were like, oh, we got it.
It's in the river. Maybe it was a bad idea to have a Scottish sailor lead the landfight.

You watch your fucking mouth, mate.

Well, I'm sorry. I thought the river would take the howlets and fire down there.

They also

got gunpowder and other ammo.

Now Juan

told the squinting sheriff and Glavecki to meet him on the battlefield, or, quote, I am about to march upon the town and have sufficient force and artillery to batter down the houses.

And then he started shooting off the cannon every morning at 6 a.m. to freak out everyone in Brownsville.

That's how you do it.

Every morning, he's like, he's fucking trolling me, he is

showing off.

All of this led to more recruits joining Juan's army. And they came not just because they hated the gringos, but also because Juan is very charismatic and a leader.

75% are very poor men from Mexico, and they fly the Mexican flag flag at his camp, even though it's a found rope. Nice.

It was in the river.

Get rid of this as well.

Actually, I might go under for a bit.

The river's magic.

The Brownsville Tigers went to Corpus Christi and said crazed Cortinistas had taken Brownsville and executed all of the tigers. Sorry, a Brownsville tiger.

So one guy goes up to Corpus Christi and is like, there's a slaughter everybody's dead they're eating the dogs they're eating the cats

the one

sending the most paranoid messenger they're eating dogs they took our jobs they ate the cats

one of the guys ate me

I'm dead

And then that guy founded Waterburger. Yeah, that's.

So headlines now spread across the world, and the Corpus Christi Guards militia is quickly formed.

And the editor of the Ranchero warned a quote, idle, vicious, depraved, thievish, ignorant, and fanatical population was on the loose, and they must be crushed. I think he missed some adjectives.

I think he didn't use them all.

Fucked, bullshit.

They believe Juan had 900 men who swore to kill every white man and take all land up to the Colorado River. It's just disgusting.
When you hear about that sort of racist shit, it's just so hard.

Right? Yeah, it's just taking white men on the water. I mean,

you guys have been through so much. Yeah, we have.
I mean, people keep trying to take the stuff we took. It's like, stop.

Stop it. It's not fair.
This is a classic story of how we tried to be nice to Mexicans. Yes.
Right. And then they're all making it about race.
We give you the gift of Taco Bell and you reject it?

We accept, though.

We accept, though, you're.

What about fucking

fucking? What about Del Taco? Nobody likes Del Taco. What the fuck?

I got bad news. We got the biggest Del Taco.

Oh, is he the one guy keeping it in business? Yeah. He's the one guy.

How dare you.

How dare you? Oh, my God.

He walks in and they wake up off a cot. It's like, oh, shit, someone's here.
Hey, how are you? You know, this isn't Taco Bell. Oh, cool.
All right. What do you want? Yeah, we're excited.

Writers were sent to communities all over the West to warn them and find volunteers. So they think he has 900 men.

They think he's a giant army. The New Orleans Daily True Delta paper, quote, We are being warred upon by atrocious savages who would as soon beat out the brains of an infant as shoot an undoubted spy.

It is a war upon the American race, and its full extent, no one knows. So, you guys have had the same press secretary since then?

You gotta love how we turn America into a race. Like, also, like, we heard.
Well, that's all they won, right? Just the one race. Yeah.

I mean

it really is nuts. It's nuts.
I mean

it's pronounced nues. I'm sorry.
Sorry nues.

It really is nueses. Thank you.

No, no, no. Gracias.

Denada. Huh?

So now all so now all over Texas, they're envisioning this murderous serape wearing Mexicans coming to kill everybody.

And plans were made to engage. I mean honestly it's because the serapis or serapis are so comfortable.
Like, you really feel like wanting to kill somebody when you put on one of them.

Say it, Dave. I don't know if you've seen Clint Eastwood, but those are ours.

Don't chino!

Don't chino on me, motherfucker.

I don't even know what we're allowed to say and not say anymore, to be quite honest with you.

But those are ours, like we took them back in the 70s in the Westerns. We took them, you took them back, yeah,

and then we didn't reclaim them because we're like, oh, yeah, sure, you can have them. I mean, exactly, and now

we wear them in Sedona,

exactly. You can keep them.
They're ours. Now I don't want them.

He's trying to trick us. No, they're ours.
Yeah.

Yeah.

We took them. Yeah.

We won.

USA, American race.

We won.

I'm scared.

It's pretty straightforward, dude. Everything we do is right.
Everything you do is wrong.

Just fucking admit that you took an L.

No, it's okay. I'm sorry, Dad.

All right. I don't know why I'm getting angrier.
I mean, I don't know. It's crazy.
I'm fucking furious right here.

The hat's not helping. I'm pink hot right now, dude.

So people are making plans to invade Mexico. And then on October 16th, John Brown attacked Harpers Ferry, Virginia.

And in Texas, they thought this, in Texas, they're like, this has to be connected to Juan Cortina's race war. That's so fucking.
John Brownsville.

God damn it, they're attacking us. Whites everywhere.
A white guy attacking whites, like, oh no, it's airborne.

Wait, the same guy that went to Corpus Christi went up and said, like, they're attacking Virginia now. What the fuck?

And then

wildfires break out across northern Texas. Oh, that still happens.

And the San Antonio Daily Herald says this has to be connected to the race war.

There's just wildfires breaking out for no reason. I like how they're so afraid of somebody that's not them.

Like, they're so afraid of somebody who's not white that they turned him into a wizard somehow. Yeah.
He's just starting fires from a distance, like from hundreds of miles away. I don't know.

It's amazing.

The Mexicans have a dragon. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's just, it's always, it's just like Alex Jones was the first guy to put it online. They've been like, they've been doing it the whole time.
You know, you got these Mexicans now.

They're running like rampant.

They got big old wizard staffs and they're shooting their wizard staffs. They turned John Brown, last name Brown, not a white guy, obviously.
They turned him into a looking guy. He's a shapeshifting.

All right. He's a shapeshifting man, obviously.
They're lighting fires. They're doing it.
John Brown, Mexican. They're coming here.
They're taking our Taco Bells. They're rejecting them.

Taco Bell, by the way, new Pizzagate.

I think I like the Scottish guy better.

All right.

It's not a problem.

Can't you see in the next like couple years that they think that Mexicans are invading through tunnels under Taco Bells.

Couldn't you see them saying that? Yes. Oh, no joke.
Like a couple months ago, about half a mile from where our studio is, they found a tunnel.

People were just being smuggled down there. It was fun.

We lost a revenue stream, but we'll recover.

So an old general decides it's time to take action and to send troops from Fort Leavenworth, Kansas

to the

general. Yeah, like he's

already getting into it.

They always are ready to get into it.

Well, time to crack the knuckles.

We're back, boys.

But three days later, he messages

Washington, D.C., and says, no, actually, it seems like none of that stuff is happening. And he called the rumors, quote, mostly false.

But the Texas Rangers are already on their way.

Okay.

Read the room. Yeah.

You're about to literally.

I forgot it became illegal this week. You can't read the room anymore.

Illiterate the room.

So 60 Rangers arrive outside of Brownsville at 11 p.m. on November 10th and blow their bugle.

And the good people of Brownsville then start shooting at them.

That still happens.

Checkmate, bro.

So a ranger had to sneak in around the back and get into Brownsville, and he explained that they're actually Rangers, and then they were, quote, heartily welcomed by the citizens.

We're on your side. I am.
Oh, all right, sorry.

Juan some Taco Bell?

Yes.

That night, Juan's friend was dragged out of his cell by a crazy. Remember, he has that friend who got arrested.

So he was dragged out of a cell by a crazed mob, and they lynched him in Market Square. And the Rangers are like, we have nothing to do with it.

But later it was learned that they were completely responsible.

More groups of men calling themselves Rangers then begin arriving at the border. And Juan laid a trap for a group of Rangers who thought they were pursuing a small group of men, men,

but there was an ambush. And three Rangers are killed.
Several Cortenisses are killed. I was about to woo and then I remembered I'm in Texas.

You read the room.

It'd be amazing if it was the baseball team though.

Nolan Ryan's just like,

Nolan, you're out of your element. The catcher's just like.

In revenge, the Rangers attacked Santa Rita, burning homes and chasing out women women and children. Nice.

Got them.

I mean, they're to blame, right? All the time. Like, oh, yeah, what do we do? Oh, I know, let's go, like, burn their homes.
Yeah.

Well, look, when we save women and children, it's a big deal, but they're also,

you know.

Wow.

Well, I'm just sick of them not counting the men. It's always women and children.
What about the white man?

How many white men, Dad? Go ahead, read the thing. None.

Hurry.

No, no, let's just take it in and move on. It's fine.
Okay.

Give me the iPad.

I'll read. No,

I will go with what my friend here says.

The Rangers prepared for a large attack, thinking they would easily take out the Cortenistas at their main camp.

The Rangers had to pull back in confusion and disarray and fled down the river while being chased.

How's it going?

As they fled, the Mexican army was on the other riverbank and shouting Viva Cortina and waving the Mexican flag. Viva Cortina!

Imagine winning a battle and there's just guys on the other side like showboating. Woo! It's like you're Patriot fans.

It's Philadelphia all over again.

The Rangers attack the next day. Again, they're repelled.
But now the U.S. Army is on the way.
way.

And the president has decided it's time and Juan sent out another

pronuncio to fire the people up to fight, to avenge their loss and land and the killings.

Quote, many of you have been robbed of your property, incarcerated, chased, murdered, and hunted like wild beasts.

So the local papers are horrified by this piece that he put out and said an army was on American soil under a foreign flag.

And the Cortinistas just keep raiding farms now and taking livestock. It's retribution.
Wrestling cows?

Yeah.

Yeah,

they're wrestling cows. It happened.
I bet they were waiting for it. It finally happened.
Yeah, finally. Fuck yeah.

When the army arrived, they combined forces with the Rangers. Now they have far superior weapons.

But when they go to fight the Cortenistas, a heavy fog hits. And no one can tell who is who.

And much of the fog. Oh, they couldn't see race anymore.
They couldn't see anybody.

It's our worst nightmare.

We are all equal.

Oh, fuck.

Shit, I can't tell who's dark and who's regular.

Rogan said this would happen.

The book of Rogan was true.

Maybe it's time for us to take an opportunity to recognize that we're all the same. No.
Okay.

They'll kill that one.

So much of the fighting becomes hand-to-hand, and the Cortenista army is routed. Oh, my God.

Many were killed. A bunch fled to Mexico.
Fled to Mexico. And Juan took what was left of his men and continued to retreat upriver.

And the Rangers were, quote, burning ranches and farms along the road, friends and foes. Oh, friends.
Just like, yeah, the Rangers are just friends. Fuck you.
They're just assholes.

I'm just surprised the Rangers have friends.

They murdered anyone who they thought was sympathetic to Juan. Oh, fuck.

And Juan's men are also burning and plundering as they go. Both sides are just

destroying everything. Perfect.
Yeah. So, are we doing both sides now? Is that what we're doing?

There are fine people on both sides. Nobody's saying that they're.

An Army major, quote, the whole country from Brownsville to Rio Grande City, 120 miles, and back to the Arroyo, Colorado, has been laid to waste.

And then Juan fled to Mexico.

No, he gets to go back to Mexico.

We deported him.

He's been deported.

No, that's fine. I mean, just like he was received as a hero, yeah.
Tomorrow, you're deported. Oh, no, I get to go back.

Deported. Please let us say we're deporting you.

Fills us with this weird pride. I get to be deported back to Mexico.
What airline is deporting you tomorrow?

And do you have a connection during your deportation?

No, it's a non-stop from Southwest. It's fine.
Southwest deportation.

Yeah.

You are now not free to to move about the country.

So it's a thorough U.S. victory.
And when word reached Matamoros, there was a large demonstration where they shouted, death to the gringos.

In Texas. Muerta los gringos.
Muerta. Oh, wait.

I like how there's a few people here who understand what I'm saying. They're really excited.
Some people are very excited.

A shocking number of people get away from the people.

Kill us, kill us. Harry, hurry.

It has to happen. It has to happen soon.
Soon.

In Texas, they call it a great victory for civilization. Oh, fuck me.
Wow. Unreal.

And they believe peace would now return.

Return? It wasn't even there in the first place.

But Cortines remained active in Texas. They still had a lot of support in Mexico, and it becomes a guerrilla war.
And most people in the valley still supported and aided Juan Cortino.

Most of the Mexican military still supported him. And Juan was seen in Matamoros walking about freely and recruiting men.

And one day, shots from a riverboat rained down on a ranch. Hello!

Guess what, baby?

Hi, Vios Mio.

I dug up a hole at

Now I've got toys.

Oh, bloody hell, the boat's taking a water. Shit!

No!

So it... I died, and now I'm a zombie.

Is it all in your head? Yes, right.

He just wakes up, he's been bitten by a weird fly. Oh, no.
Not the craziest dream.

Push the howlitzer in the river.

So

shots from a riverboat rain down on a ranch as it's passing, and men at the ranch start shooting back.

Turns out

It was rangers on the riverboat, but word spreads that an innocent riverboat was attacked by Cortenistas. And that leads to 40 Rangers invading Mexico.

So this gets the filibusters excited.

That still happens. I don't want to say it anymore.

This gets all the...

I took no pleasure in saying it anymore, but it still happens.

Well, you know, your fault.

This gets the filibusters excited. Your head has slowly dropped to the other side.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Every unmotivated attack.

So filibusters get excited, believing it means war, and then they can start crossing the river to seize ferry boats and taking land. And the U.S.

Army has to tell them there is no war, and they have to stop.

Please.

But want.

Say that again, because that sounds insane. The U.S.
Army said

the U.S. Army had to tell them to stop? Yeah, because there's a bunch of filibusters.
The U.S. Army intervened with peace.
Yeah,

the U.S. Army is like, all right, calm down.
No. When the U.S.
Army tells you to calm down, violence doesn't solve everything.

We're the Pentagon.

So, this is worse shape. So

it is a weird one we came up with. Too many sides.
Yeah.

Not in war.

So Juan is basically dragging Mexico into a war with the U.S.

And Mexico sends General Garcia to arrest Juan. And the general comes back to Mexico City and said, quote, he saw nothing of Juan.

But he also told the Americans where Juan was.

I believe he said, I saw no Juan.

That's a great one.

But he also told the Americans where Juan's camp was, and so the Rangers crossed the border again.

Thank you. That made up for the woo over there.
Good. I'm getting them on my side now.
Thank you.

One by one.

Oh my god, that is so funny and so racist.

I'm allowed right now. Take it easy, Chino.

But

they confuse the Mahamoros

Mexican National Guard with wands men and attack them.

Oh, we'll look the same to you. No, no, no.

It was a fog. There was a fog, motherfucker.

It was one of those fogs. They got over there, like, look at all these goddamn wands.

It's a fog.

It was another one of those racial fogs.

Fog of war.

And then the Rangers stole all the nearby livestock they could and went back to the U.S.

So just, that's a crime.

That's a shocking crime. Shocking.

Next, the Rangers crossed the border and attacked Reynosa, but there were no Cortenissas, just angry villagers in the Mexican National Guard telling them to get the fuck out of Mexico. That's war.

So everything's getting super chaotic. And the Rangers are.
It's barely getting chaotic. Wow.
Just started.

And the U.S. has to respond, and they decide to send Colonel Robert E.
Lee. Oh, fuck.

What the fuck?

This will solve the racism problem. I heard there.

Did somebody order extreme racism?

Allow me to put a little oil on the racial fires.

So Lee gets there and he demands Mexico arrest all Cortinistas.

And an army major said the Rangers were clearly trying to start a war. And at Reynosa, they shot at any Mexican going to the river for water.

And then the city put cannons in position to fire back at the Rangers.

Viva Mexico!

This is like Rocky Four. We don't take no shit unless you tell us to take it.

So, Sam Houston is sworn in as Texas governor.

And

hold off

he he does say that mexican texans are being stereotyped as criminals and that they are actually quote good and true citizens who should be treated as such by all texians but

dave why not texicans that's what it said in the thing i don't know Texians pops up at some point and Texicans? Texians.

Texians? Yeah, that's back when they were like their own country, right? Where they wanted to be their own thing. Is that what it is when you guys were your own country? You were Texians?

Immigrants from America that live in Texas were Texans.

Okay. Yeah.

So do you want a mic?

I'm a Texas history.

Okay, so the

Texans. Show off.
So the Texans. Not for long, you're not.

You've been doged, sir.

So all the immigrants into Texas are Texians.

Tejanos. I don't think you're allowed to say that term, sir, but

thank you for trying.

Okay.

Now explain Chinos, motherfucker.

You racists.

They're slacks.

Oh, they're lazy? They're slacks. They're slacks.

Wow. Unbelievable.

It is crazy. It is crazy.
It's what happens, man. Mexicans get into the U.S.
and they forget where they came from.

So Houston sends commissioners to the border, and people are not very happy about that. Sure.

The people thought they would negotiate with Juan, the commission. Right.

And people in Brownsville just want vengeance. They don't want to negotiate.

They're also shocked to learn the Rangers, quote, were burning ranches and hanging and shooting Mexicans without authority by law and are more dreaded than Cortina.

So the commission comes down to find out, like, what's this fucking Mexican guy doing? And they find out that the Rangers are actually the problem.

That still happens. Yeah.

Like, what's more shocking that it's happening or that they're surprised that it's happening?

What?

And many filibusters had actually come from around the country and were there and ready to invade Mexico, which included pro-Southern men who wanted to turn Mexico into a slave empire.

Yeah, we call that outsourcing nowadays.

But also, at the same time, Juan Cortina had inflamed deep-seated anger of many lowly richeros.

So the commissioners quickly concluded that if something was not done, the situation would turn into a, quote, war of the races. Again?

We want that. Yep.

They believe the U.S. should take possession of a large,

large border sections of Mexico to stop it. So their solution is like take over.
Oh, their solution was to make us the 51st state?

Part of it, yeah, to take a bunch of it. Yeah.
All right. You're welcome.

It's like what we have to do with Canada, right? No, I'm no longer welcome. That's the problem.
Oh, sorry. I misunderstood.

You're not welcome. No, it's that will they won't that we have with Canada right now

The legislature gave Houston authorization to raise a cavalry and many congressmen wanted Houston to act and quote punish Mexico Which I agree with

always have always

have

the solution is

what Punish Mexico. Yeah.
Always punish Mexico. I mean at worst case it's something to do.
You know what I mean? I mean, you guys don't know this, but they charge me a tariff for this beer.

And somehow you're paying for it? I don't get it.

It's going to work out.

Trust me.

We're paying for your beer, but we're going to be tired of winning.

Exhausted.

But then the U.S. Army headquarters sent word to D.C.
in mid-March that Juan Cortina had left the border and the war on the Rio Grande was over.

So Houston had missed his window to invade Mexico. Oh, no.
It's sad.

And he stated, now he had to state that filibusters gathered there were in violation of the law and so all the filibusters start drifting north and they're sad.

And then the Rangers start also moving north. And Texans learn of all the devastation that has happened on the Rio Grande Valley.

They had burnt San Derito and Rancho del Carmen, and rumors start that they had violated Juan's wife and daughter.

And though Houston confided in a State Department man sent to observe that he was still itching for a war with Mexico, he wrote to the president, All that prevents Governor Houston from moving on Mexico with a major force is money and a justifiable pretext.

Oh, they wanted to actually justify the thing

in our own way.

In our way, where we're like, oh, yeah

he if he if he had kept up fighting houston would have invaded like he would have gotten his invasion

but now the mexican military is cooperating with the american military juan cortina moved his family into the burgos mountains in the south and the mexicans promised the u.s they would find him and arrest him And though pro-war papers tried to rile things up, an American officer wrote in July 1860 that the Rio Grande Valley was, quote, perfectly quiet since the departure of the Rangers.

The papers still blamed any crime that occurred on Juan. And Juan, however, joined with the liberal army of Benito Juarez to fight against the conservative army generals

Miguel Merman and Leonardo Marquez. And for now, there would be no war with America.
Right, yeah. You know, actually, the city where I come from is named Juarez because of Benito Juarez.

The guy that he went to fight with. Really? Yeah.
You named Benito Juarez? Yeah, because I mean, he became like the

savior of Mexico. He was an asshole and he was also tiny.
But

at some point during the revolution, because we had the Mexican independence in 1810, and then by 1910, like, you know, Benito Juarez was like right there by the middle. But then

when the revolution was happening in 1910, because we had some asshole dictator for a while, I don't know if you know what that's like, but

But

like

the capital of Mexico kept moving. And for a while, Ciudad Juarez was the capital of Mexico.
Oh, really? Yeah, and then it went downhill.

Literally? Yeah.

You moved it downhill. A little bit, yeah.

I mean, I'm pretty sure the Mexican history teacher knows it better than I do, but.

Is he right, sir?

Oh, he's Texas. Oh, yeah, you're a Texas history.
Now he's not in the line with you anymore. He's like, easy.

Build a wall between our friendship.

A brick barricade.

So the source was Cortina defending the Mexican name in Texas by Jerry Thompson.

That's hilarious that it's by a guy named Jerry Thompson.

Hi, my name's Jerry Thompson, and let me tell you about Gordino and Mexico. I've really got this down.

I mean, that's just what is called the Gortino War, but you could actually do,

I mean,

it goes on for like, then there's more fighting and stuff, and the Mexicans are fighting amongst them.

These people seem, let's say,

at some point, I decided to cut it off because it's just like, it doesn't even, it stops making sense. No, I mean, I don't know who's fighting who anymore.

Did it ever make sense to begin with?

And, like, now it makes a lot of sense. It makes so much sense.
But yeah, we almost went to another war with Mexico.

Almost.

I'm sad that Sam Houston did not get to have his war. I think we all are.

And now we're in Houston. I only have one thing to say.

Viva, Mexico! Hey, no!

Not in America, you motherfucker!

Get him! Someone else do it. I'm sitting.

Well, I think it just puts a finer point on everything that's always going on, which is that.

Well, all this stuff is new that's happening now. Yeah.

And

white people are pretty normal.

Yeah.

You guys are great. No, we're definitely.
We don't get panicked over nothing. It's not our thing.
It's not something we do all the time.

There should just be like a mass therapy where we just are like in a room like, hey, what is this? I was told there'd be marshmallows in John Cougar melon camp.

And then like the door locks and it's like, you guys are,

you gotta fucking deal with some shit real quick. Gonna walk through history.
This is our land. Quiet.

If you come at me with John Cougar Mellon Camp, you understand why we invented accordion rock, right?

Wow.

Now we have to invade Mexico. Honestly,

that statement was an act of war.

How fucking dare you.

Thank you guys for coming out. Give it up for Eduardo Espinitos, everybody.
gracias Juston

Pima Mexico thank you guys appreciate it

gracias

hey dollop fans I know you love the dollop you love listening to the dollop do you want to watch the dollop you're like Gareth what are you talking about by the way it's not Gary it's Gareth well We have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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