693 - Juan Cortina - Live

Hey,

the dollop is brought to you by mood.

Not just like moods, because

they don't moods don't have sponsors.

No, we're talking about mood.

Correct.

Online cannabis company revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges.

You know, you got sleepless nights, you can't sleep a little bit.

You got stress-filled days, you're a little bit freaking out on edge.

How about a little mood, Gareth?

Take it, enjoy it mood mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100 federally legal thc blends they'll deliver them discreetly right to your doorstep that's discreetly oh yeah you don't even know this person's been there no no one walks up and screams there's stuff in here

it's like santa That's right.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code dollop.

Yeah, they got gummies.

They got everything.

It's the stuff.

It's the gummy.

It's the way to go.

Big fan.

Big fan.

Totally.

You got sleepy time gummies that'll put you in.

Sleepy time gummies are so helpful.

Yeah.

I can.

Yeah.

Many people struggle with sleep.

Get a sleepy time gummy.

What makes these different is how they've paired THC and other canabinoids, which is a word that

people shoot

with herbs and adaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or really anywhere for that matter.

Special stuff.

And they have gummies for literally everything.

Immune support, menopause relief, PMS symptoms, mental clarity, sexual arousal.

Oh, boy.

But you can get that from just listening to my voice.

And each one

is tested using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but listeners get 20% off their first order with code DOLUP.

Head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies, and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code DOLUP.

at checkout to save 20% on your first order.

It seems everyone gets a tip these days.

Deliver food?

Get a tip.

Drive around town?

Get a tip.

Serve a drink?

Get a tip.

But here's one tip that can help you find a higher-paying career.

Merit America can help you get the training and support to find and succeed in an in-demand job, like data analytics or HR admin or supply chain planning.

It may be the last tip you ever need.

Learn more at meritamerica.org.

You're listening to the dollop.

This is an American History Podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a son of a bitch.

Hey.

Hey, he's just making him a local.

Y'all, Gareth Reynolds has no idea what the topic is going to be about.

Now, wait a minute.

There's a third chair.

There's a third chair.

Uh-oh.

We got a guest.

It's the guy that I add-hold my soap.

Yeah.

It's his soap boy.

Do you want me to introduce him?

Sure, we could do it together.

You want to do it together?

He is from a little podcast called

El Dalla

Adora.

Yes.

That's right.

He stole our idea and made it huge in Mexico, which is what they've always been doing.

Hello.

How's it going?

How are you doing, Eduardo?

Thank you for being here.

My hands are still kind of slippery from holding all that soap.

Yeah.

No, you're lubed up.

Oh, wait.

I got to tell one story.

So the guy who was helping us tonight

said he was like, when we were in the elevator, he was like, my wife, when she heard the dollop is coming, was really excited.

I was like, oh, that's really nice.

And he's like, but I guess it's a different show.

They spell it D-O-L-U-P.

I was like, what?

What?

Yeah, there's one, and it's like a drag podcast.

And she was like, really excited.

And then he's like, so what's yours history?

I was like, yeah, but it's like, I wear a pink hat sometimes.

So it's totally like,

we're fluid.

I mean, that is Texas drag.

Yeah,

this is.

Completely.

It's like, hey,

I'm going out as a lady tonight.

Well, when you put it in to the search engine, it's like, no, you mean the dollop.

Our show.

D-O-No, yeah, it's literally like, you don't mean what you're saying.

That's good.

And then I put in Doolip and it says, I am a gamer and I'm mostly caught up in school, so I don't post that often.

Hit that kid up.

Let's see what he's up to.

That's awesome.

Let's follow that thread a little bit, Dave.

Start talking to this kid.

I'm a gamer.

I'm a gamer.

I am mostly caught up in school, so I don't post that often.

100% fishing for old weird dudes.

Yeah,

well, he got one, he sure fucking did

without question.

How you doing, little dollar fella?

What games you like?

I like Park Cheesy,

and you know, sometimes

love can be a game.

Just talk to my ex-wife, Shelly.

Why don't you read the goddamn thing?

Is your hat on too tight?

Like, what?

No, always the opposite.

It's loose.

You can't come to Texas and tell us how to do stuff, Eduardo.

I am sorry.

Yes, sir.

Luciento.

By the way, I burned Baño and Luciento.

That's it.

I got nothing else.

May 16th, 1824.

Juan Cortina.

I think it's called Juan Cortina.

I think that's the right way to say it.

It's going to be a long night.

This podcast is going to be a nightmare.

I mean, you can say John Curtin.

That's what it means.

Juan Cortina.

John Curtin is awesome.

Was born in an Adobe and rock house in Camargo, Tamalipas, Mexico.

All right.

There's a Camargo in Chihuahua where I'm from.

I don't know if it's the same one.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I think

was born to Trinidad, Cortina, and Estefana Gossiacochia.

What the fuck did you try to say?

Yeah, look, I can't.

I mean, to me, it looks like...

Stefana.

If I was to translate this, it would be

Goose Coco.

They were a wealthy cattle ranching family, and the family's land grant was over 260,000 acres.

Wow, fuck.

That's a lot.

Yeah.

And how many acres is that in today?

Seven.

I think it's like 500,000 now.

Wow.

Yeah.

Inflation is out of control.

It's doubled at least.

Yeah.

So his dad was an Alcade of

a town in Mexico.

He was a what?

Al-Kaid.

Alkade?

Like your dad?

Called?

Alcalde?

That's just, he was the mayor.

How'd you say it?

Alcalde.

That's fucking bullshit.

He's a mayor.

He was the actual mayor?

He's a mayor of his town, and his mom was considered a very cultured woman, and she had a bunch of half-siblings.

And after three years, they moved to Matamoros,

which is just across the border from Brownsvilleville, Texas.

Okay.

I think it's pronounced Matamoros, but it's fine.

Matamoros.

So

the years he grew up there, there was a lot going on.

This is just before he was born, Mexico gained its independence.

Congratulations.

Yeah, some of us are wooing.

The first few years of his life, there were many horrible raids by Native Americans.

And when he was 12, Comanche warriors attacked ranches near Matamoros, killing people and taking livestock.

So, Juan hates Native Americans.

So, can I just say, welcome to America, buddy?

Yeah.

Was he given his green card like right then and there?

when he was a teen, nearby towns and villages revolted against the Mexican government.

When he was around 18, 200 Texas raided across the Rio Grande in retaliation for Mexicans attacking San Antonio.

So fucking think about that.

I don't know.

And the Texans were defeated.

I didn't do anything.

I'm just tonight's DEI hire.

I don't know what's going on.

We're not paying you.

That tracks.

You just DEI.

And Juan watched as people cheered in a Matamoros

as the defeated Texans were marched through the streets.

That's a good thing.

You guys probably don't read about that in your Texas history books, do you?

Not so third.

They're all about the Alamo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're not laughing very hard at that stuff.

Still not over it.

Now, a local Irish merchant said Juan was a, quote, bold and daring fellow who spent time working with horses and as a guide for travelers.

And he and his vaquero friends spent time out on the prairies and in the chaparral.

And they went to fandangos and they drank and they gambled and they danced and they got into fights.

I mean, what else were you going to do?

It wasn't.

I know, right?

That's like, yeah, that's the whole thing.

Yeah, go see movies.

Fandangos.

As a young man, everyone knew you did not fuck with Juan.

Quote, the man who crossed Cortina courted trouble and danger.

So he's a bad boy.

But like you on Twitter.

That's right.

Oh, was he just blocking people?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He just blocks people that people would message whoever his friends were and be like, hey, can you ask Juan to unblock me?

Like, no, you know what you did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He dressed well.

The ladies were very into him.

Everyone liked Juan.

He had charisma.

He was 5'6, very so really tall.

Yeah.

Very good looking.

He had green eyes and a beard.

Not educated.

And as an adult, did not know how to read or write.

So fucking catch.

Yeah, that also tracks.

Yeah, hot and dumb.

Yep.

At 20, he joined the Guardia Nacional de Tamaulipis.

Go ahead.

Let him struggle.

Okay.

They're bad boys.

What are they all about?

It's an army of some sort.

Sure.

And he rose to the rank of corporal, and around this time, he seduced an older widow with three kids.

He seduced an old widow with three kids.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

So he took three kids to the widow and she was seduced by that?

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, what do you think of these three kids?

Yeah.

I know, I mean,

have you ever learned

so fast in that?

Yeah, you get a widow, you show her three kids, she comes in, and then he's banging away.

Jesus.

It's called hot sex.

You guys don't know how to set a trap.

His parents were super not into it.

Into what?

The seduction?

Yeah,

being with the older widow.

They didn't like that they wanted him to.

How old is the widow?

A widow.

she's like 30-ish, and he's like, That's fucking hilarious.

They were like, Oh, what an old bag.

She's 31.

Yeah,

yeeky.

And then he married his cousin when he was 21 and she was 16.

Fuck me.

That's fucking hot.

I didn't know Mexico had an Arkansas.

We have like three.

But then he abandoned his cousin which really upset his mom.

That's a crazy thing.

Yeah, that's a horrible family reunion.

Yeah

That is an awkward family.

How dare you divorce your cousin?

She's right over there

But he does keep banging the widow

and then they had a kid.

Oh nice He would actually end up marrying the MILF in like four years.

You mean the widow?

You just turned her into a MILF.

Oh, he would actually end up marrying the the widow.

Yeah, fucking...

Hey, buddy, try to keep it focused a little bit.

She already had three kids, right?

By definition, she's a MILF.

Who wants to fuck her?

She has three kids.

Okay, keep it in your pants.

So he ended up jagging off to the MILF picture after the show.

I mean, he ended up.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Juan built a ranch called San Jose, about 10 miles from Brownsville, and the Republic of Texas became part of the U.S.

in 1846 and then Mexico broke off diplomatic relations.

We've done so much for you.

So much.

We still let you make tacos.

That's fine.

You try to take that away from us.

Yeah.

And we made Taco Bell and del Taco for you.

You're welcome.

Do you have Taco Bell in Mexico?

They tried to

go and like set up a few in Mexico City and they were just ran out of town.

They had to make a run for the border.

That's so fucking great.

That's fucking

so fucking good.

Oh my god.

That is so great.

Do you want to have a Dorito taco with hella sauce?

Get the fuck out of here.

Are you interested in a beef taco?

No, senor.

English.

That would be a great movie, actually, when talk about trying to come to Mexico.

That would be great.

So the U.S.

claimed the Mexico border was at the Rio Grande, while Mexico said it was Rio Nueces.

Yeah.

There's actually,

where I'm from, there's like right by El Paso, Texas.

We have a couple of parks that are like in a where the river used to be because it moved.

So we gained like.

Oh, you got property.

Yeah, we got it.

Well, the river moved.

Yeah, like the, the, I mean, it was a, it had water back then.

Crazy times.

So a river with water?

Yeah, I know.

It's weird.

So the riverbed sort of moved after a flood, so they were fighting over like a strip of land, and we kept it.

Congratulations.

That's awesome.

Security, everyone who clapped, let them, yep.

At the time, what we're talking about, this giant swath of land is disputed.

But the main area we're talking about is the little red slashes between the Nueces River and the river.

Nueces means nuts, by the way.

It means what?

Nuts.

So they're fighting over the nuts strip.

So that.

Which is like the landing strip, but for a guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, look, it's the Gulf of Mexico.

That's not even there anymore.

Miss it?

Eh, it's fine.

It's ours, bitch.

And the American Canal.

Well, at least we don't have Taco Bell.

Wait a minute.

I like it.

So the U.S.

Army is sent to the Rio Grande, and a Mexican army is sent also there.

And Juan said patriotism caused him to, quote, take up arms and to fight against the invaders.

The Mexicans.

No, he was in that area.

So he was used as a scout by the Mexican army, and he took part in fighting and was a combat veteran when he was just 21.

Wait, wait, now I'm confused.

Are you sure Cortina or Curtin was his last name, or that was just his attire?

Do you want to know his full name?

I didn't want to have to do this because it's just.

This is going to be an assault on Spanish.

We are about to witness a hate crime.

Juan

Nepo Muceno Cortina Gossiacoche.

Juanepo Muceno Cortina.

What the fuck was the last one?

Gossia Coche.

Dave, that's just a MILF picture.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Yeah, I get why he keeps it around.

Juanepo Muceno Cortina Gosia Cochella.

Yeah, there we go.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, what he said.

Yeah.

But he's called Cortina in history books.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I just want Cortina because it's really complicated.

Everyone's like, they'll give you that one.

Yeah, that one's crazy.

The Mexican army is defeated, and the U.S.

marched into Matamoras in May 1846.

So Juan's humiliated by this.

His property falls into the hands of the enemy, and the army sets up

a supply base at his childhood home.

That's fucked.

Oh, wow.

Juan lived a nomad life at this point.

He was wandering and fighting.

Wandering.

Yeah.

Now you can mute him.

Yeah.

He was wandering and fighting isolated.

Yay!

Yeah.

I just did it.

And you see, it feels good, right?

No.

I haven't seen you smiling in years like that.

He liked it.

Look at him.

He liked it.

And he is fighting isolated American units and, quote, fleeing.

Okay.

Now, Mexico City falls to the Americans in 1847.

Boo.

Yeah, the dead.

By the way, right now, Mexico City has also fallen to the Americans.

They're just moving it.

In a different way.

Yeah, they're just moving there and taking the spice out of life.

Yeah, we're just walking around being like, Do you have ranch dressing?

I'd rather a war.

What's the Wi-Fi?

Give a QR code.

I don't like a sticky menu.

Oh, God.

Tell them about the Karen story.

About what?

The woman who with the parking code.

Alright, so there's this place like in southern Mexico, and this Mexican

guy just parked in front of a house, you know, by the curb, because the curb is public property.

Yeah, parked.

Yeah, so he just parked there, and this American lady, this expat, you know, quotes, comes out and she's upset.

And she calls the cops on the Mexican guy to have his car removed.

And then she's upset because the cop is not speaking English.

And the cop is just like,

no, it's not okay.

Speak English.

Do you know where you are?

Bingo.

What are you going to talk about?

Yep.

Oh, fuck.

We're going to be.

We are.

The best.

Yeah.

By the way, in Mexico, we call them Karin, not Karen.

It's It's Karin.

Karen.

Yeah.

That's way better.

Karen.

Or we call her, you know, pinche vieja, but that's a different thing.

Yeah.

Wow.

They get it.

They have Mexican Houstons, right?

Yeah.

It's sad.

We're going to have to invade you guys again.

Yeah.

So Mexico City falls.

The Treaty of Guadalupe Hildago is signed, and Juan cursed and ruined.

Guadalupe Dalgo.

I'm sorry.

It's just,

I don't want to do this, but it just hurts.

It's why you're here.

Yeah, I get.

Yeah, but you're wrong.

Juan cursed and ridiculed it, feeling it was humiliating for Mexico.

And he returned to his mother's land and his ranch.

But his land is now.

He just went back to Cryden in his mansion.

Yes.

Yeah, he just went back to like a quarter of a million acres.

He was like, but

they keep taking from me.

So his land's now in the U.S., and he's living amongst the enemy that he hates.

So he gets a job working for a contractor at Fort Brown.

So now he's helping the armor that he fought against,

and

he would help wagons trains going north.

And the first one

was

75 wagons, and Juan was put in charge of it.

And a little way through, he gets into an argument with the wagon master.

Oh, no.

You don't want to fuck with that guy.

No, he's the master of wagons.

Yeah.

Yep.

But he doesn't understand a lot of English.

And when his boss arrives,

when his boss arrives, Juan was, quote, aside the wagon master and choking him.

I mean,

that's really the universal language.

Yes.

Choking the wagon master.

You must listen to my wagon horse.

Shut up.

The man's face was black and his tongue was protruding from his mouth.

He was almost dead.

Oh, shit.

Did not get fired, fired though.

Because Mexicans are awesome workers.

That's because Mexicans are great workers and even if we try to kill our masters they still employ us.

By the way, sorry about dropping the soap earlier.

I mean you do a good job.

What am I going to do?

Sometimes you kill me.

Yep.

Happens.

Very next job.

Herding some mules.

He gets into another argument and ended up

and he kind of had a strike.

He took a bunch of Mexican herders with him and they all walked off the job.

Oh, wow.

But his boss still

complimented him and said he had been faithful and effective.

Next, he finds work with a guy, Kentuckian,

to buy and drive 80 mules north to Kentucky.

Is that a distance?

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

You won't go about 80, 85 mules north.

Take a ride, go five mules.

I mean you guys will use anything but the metric system I don't get it

because it's better you you people should be switching come on it's obvious it's about 14 Taco Bells south

it is so funny that we came up with we probably were like everyone will come around everyone's like no it's fucking dumb

no we can't come around because we don't know how long we have to go around because the fucking distance is measured in mules it makes sense if numbers don't don't matter.

Yeah.

Love of God.

Stop fighting it.

We're right.

We came up with a better one.

I mean, leave it to the country with like the worst math scores ever.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa.

Buddy, we're just got rid of the Department of Education to get those up, first of all.

Yeah.

You ain't seen

something yet.

What matters is what Jesus thinks.

He hated education.

Crazy town, yeah.

What's the circumference of a circle?

Whatever Jesus wants it to be.

Yeah.

Boom.

Think about it.

Put that in your calcutator.

Try that, Mouse.

So just days into this drive, the Kentuckian is found dead.

And some people said Wand had killed him.

I think he did.

I mean, they were just trying to talk and got out of hand.

Yeah.

His very Juan's very close friend, Adolphus Glavaki,

said Juan took the mules and sold them to the army.

So now Juan is indicted in Brownsville, but he's never apprehended.

Okay, and he's got a third, but he likes making money, obviously, and he's okay with killing, it seems like.

Months later, Juan two of his friends are accused of robbing a wagon train and then stealing some sheep.

A wagon train?

Yeah, a train of wagons.

Okay.

And then stealing some sheep.

A lot of people are wrestling at this point in the area after the war.

And Brownsville is an awesome spot to bring goods in by ship and then smuggle them into Mexico without paying a tax.

Okay.

That still happens, by the way.

You said wrestling?

Wrestling.

You know, cattle wrestling.

Uh-huh.

I did this yesterday where you actually think that I'm talking about wrestling cows.

I'm hoping.

What I'm doing is hoping.

I'm hoping that they're coming up with characters.

No one is actually wrestling cows.

It's wrestling.

Yet.

Yet.

Yeah, it could be awesome.

I mean, isn't the head of the Department of Education from the WWE?

It's really not.

That just happened to you.

So the city is attracting those type of people who are involved in those kind of crimes.

And a lot of Europeans are into that.

And they come...

Europeans committing crimes?

You can imagine.

What is this?

It's crazy.

And they challenged Mexican Texans for control of the land.

And Spanish land grants, which go back all the way to 1767, are now being disputed.

And a lot of Mexican Texans never even knew their rights under the Treaty of Guadalupe Hildago, and their lack of English puts them in a really bad spot.

And several Americans just make a fortune on taking advantage of these people.

Imagine.

That still happens.

Just Americans making money, taking advantage of people?

Yeah, that still happens.

No, what?

I don't think that's fair.

No?

All right.

We're talking about the past.

Yeah, no, that stopped a long time ago.

You were going back.

I mean, measles is back.

Because we want it back.

Because the best way to get rid of measles is to make sure every kid gets it.

The Dust Bowl is coming back.

I mean, we wanted the Dust Bowl.

We like dust.

We're into it.

These are all choices.

It's called manifesting, dude.

I'm sorry.

I'm just.

You just came here to shit on.

We're doing good stuff.

No, I know.

It's just weird for me as a Mexican to be on the other side of it.

What do you mean by that, asshole?

Explain yourself.

Take a Taco Bell.

It's like it's weird to gloat to Americans about stuff.

I'm telling you, we will.

I figure it's the most reluctant applause.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

We're fucking here.

Because they're like, yeah, you're right.

Oh, shit, you are right.

Mark my words, we will be climbing that wall.

We're coming.

If you take

Mexican urine and you drink Mexican urine, it will stop the measles.

Dave's thirsty.

So

go down to Mexico and to El Paso.

And if you ask them, if you ask them for urine, Dave's RFK.

Give it to the young children.

Dave's RFK sounds healthy.

It sounds like what happens to RFK during a full moon or something.

It's like

he's like fully like,

that's RFK pre-worm.

It's after like the baby, the bear that he dumped in New York, but before the worm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, pre-worm.

That's why he did heroin.

He was like, cuz I can't and then

oh, sweet Jesus, that's fucking good shit.

It definitely was the worm who was like, I'm a heroin addict, too.

And he was like, well, that's not very good.

So he just likes that one vaccine?

And boy, howdy diddy.

I take the flu shot every morning.

So Juan is now concerned about his mother's land, and he goes to this mass meeting in Brownsville on February 2nd, 1850.

There's speakers there, and they're like, Texas has no claim to this territory.

And then everyone at the meeting signs a petition to create the Rio Grande territory, which would be separate from Texas.

But they're being duped by land speculators, basically.

And it's a big scheme.

And so Texas now creates a commission to look

into all the land grants.

Right.

And because the whole thing goes back to like the Spanish game and then they're like, this is ours.

And then the native Mexicans were like, what the fuck?

And now there's like,

I don't know, hundreds of years later, somebody else is like, oh, well, that land is not for the Spanish anymore.

Now it's for the Texans.

And then the Texans are like, well, what the fuck is happening?

And I don't know.

It's still going on.

It's weird.

I'm confused.

You should.

That's where we want you.

Yeah, thank you.

That's exactly where we want you.

That's right where we want you.

Because you guys got the cartel, so we're going to have to take a lot of land.

I'm going to make a buffer zone.

So we're going to have to fill it with Taco Bells.

A couple hundred miles.

About 600 mules worth of money.

That area is actually going to be called the Taco Bell Strip.

Yep, Taco Bell Strip.

All right.

And you'll like it.

You'll come to enjoy the bean burrito and the bell bean.

Have you had the Dorito Shelled

Burrito Supreme?

I actually have had a Doritos Taco Local, whatever.

Yeah, I'm ashamed to admit that I actually liked it.

Okay

We are finding common ground here

But I think it's just because I lack melanin

He is a very white Mexican gentleman white Mexicans exist we are called white

and we are also the worst No,

I have seen the the white

Latino all over South America where they seem to be in charge of everything, which is interesting.

We're still not letting you in.

Nice try.

You cannot come in.

Nice try.

Son of a boy.

You got too white.

One's mother, Estefana, had to hire lawyers to fight for her land against claims now being made by these rich Brownsville guys.

And a judge rules for her,

but that pisses off the rich guys so much

that the judge was impeached.

Wow.

That still happens.

Yeah, it does.

Imagine.

But she still has to pay for the trial, defending her own land.

That's crazy.

And she has to use some of her land to pay the lawyers.

That's perfect.

And his ex-buddy, Glavecki, remember Adolphus?

Yeah.

Right.

Stood as a witness as she signed away a portion of her Brownsville land for $1 to the guys who had sued her, even though she won.

Right.

So it's perfect.

Yeah.

She's still,

it's the American way.

Yeah, they win no matter what.

So Juan is fucking pissed at this conspiracy that's taking place.

Quote, vile men

in a secret conclave who took Mexicans' land.

And he does not believe the new Americans and the Mexicans could live in peace.

So Brownsville's Anglo-merchants wanted to create a free trade zone.

These people always

say.

What about a free market?

Yeah.

Filibusters wanted to create a Republic of Rio Grande in northeast Mexico.

So, that's a private country they wanted to make.

Juan's cousin, Jose Maria de Jesus Carvajal.

That was actually pretty good.

Wow.

Bam!

Yep.

So, Carvajal becomes the leader of a separatist movement bankrolled by merchants, and he raises an army of 400 men and promises to return escaped slaves to Texas.

Cool.

Oh my God.

So he starts taking over towns.

He's just a separate militia.

Sure.

Right.

And Juan defends Madam Oros when they attack, and Carval is defeated.

So he beats his cousin.

Nice.

And in 1855, Juan resigns from the military as a lieutenant, and Brownsville is now a boomtown, and laws were made to make it more civilized.

Did that work?

That never works.

And one can't ride animals on sidewalks, and bathing is now regulated in the river.

Wait, what?

We're making laws to make the place more civilized.

So you can't

ride your fucking pig on a sidewalk.

And what's this last one?

You can't just bathe in the fucking river.

Oh, you can't.

Still.

Come on.

And they tried to cut down on rowdy parties.

Jesus Christ.

Let's fucking kill that shit at like 10.

Come on.

Right.

Well, if there's no rowdy parties, I'm not going to bathe in the river.

Why would you, if you're not coming from rowdy party, why would you ride your pig on the sidewalk?

Yeah.

Is it riding pigs?

Is that really what they're afraid of?

I'm assuming.

I don't think I've ever heard of Mexicans having rowdy parties.

I don't think that's a thing.

I don't think anybody here has a neighbor who has like

banda music playing at three in the morning.

No.

You mean the culture that turned the accordion into a rock musician?

How the fuck did they...

Goddamn teenagers made accordion rock?

It's actually not bad.

It's not right, but it's not bad.

It's not right.

It's definitely not right.

Not a lot of Mexicans took part in the city government, even though the population was mostly Mexican.

The local priests called the rich in Brownsville, quote, the scum of society.

Yeah, well,

exactly.

We celebrate that.

Of all the rich, the one Juan came to hate the most was his ex-friendly.

The one one?

What?

The Juan Juan hated the most.

The one Juan came to hate the most was his ex-friend, Adolphus Glavaki.

I knew it.

The one who said he murdered in Kentucky and stole the livestock and then fucked over his mother.

Yeah, that motherfucker, yeah.

Yeah.

Glavaki was in local politics.

He'd been a bunch of different offices over the years.

He was city alderman in 1857.

But so many people didn't like him when he was city alderman that the council passed a resolution calling for him to be removed.

So they had to pass a law to get him out.

Yeah.

He's like, no, no, he's a dick.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

So he was that much of a dick there.

Yeah.

No, yeah.

Legally, you fucking suck.

Get out.

Everyone who agrees that Adolphus is a fucking boner, get yes, yes.

I fucking hate that twat.

Come on.

Can we legally call him a twat?

Yes, granted.

But be respectful.

Don't overuse it.

Actually, no, we can't, because I can see the look in your eyes right now, and you're going to abuse the privilege.

I want to ride it on a cyber truck.

No.

We call that riding a pig down the sidewalk.

So when Glubecki and Juan had been friends, he had helped Juan's family with legal and financial matters, but Juan hated the conflict of interest.

during all that, and he once charged him with mismanagement and waste of his aunt's estate.

And by 1858, they're now just pure fucking enemies.

They just fucking hate each other.

Nice.

And Gloveccki went before a grand jury and got three indictments against Juan for cattle stealing.

One was a, quote, brown-spotted, frizzly-haired cow.

Yep, we know the type.

Yeah.

A brown frizzy.

Absolutely.

And Juan began saying he would.

I know it's kind of stereotypical, but everything's been brown so far.

Here we go.

Sport brown, brown's bill, brown cows.

I haven't noticed.

I don't hear you talking about you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

All right.

No, it's fine.

Jesus.

It's not all about race, dude.

You're in America, okay?

We're not all about race.

Yeah, please.

Do not make this race war episode about race.

Yeah.

It's about the new city's rights, right?

It's about the free trade zone, man.

Of course, yeah, it's about the free market.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

So what if we're painting the black parts of our cows in this country?

Don't worry about it.

It's fine.

Those are just the spots.

It's just what we're doing.

We're whitening them.

Don't worry, buddy.

Angel cows.

All cows are angel cows now.

Juan began saying he would kill a dolphus on sight.

Nice.

Now, there's a lot of inequality in the area.

There were the rich guys, mostly white, who dressed really nice.

And then most of the population are Mexican and poor.

They're dressed in rags.

They're living in huts.

Juan is a ranchero, and he dresses nice, but

he's related to the poor and political situation very tense.

Right.

And elections had a ton of fraud.

I'm sorry, but is he a brown savior?

He's a bit of a brown savior, yeah.

Okay.

Elections have a ton of fraud.

And in 1850, 21 votes were cast before the polls opened.

But that's fine.

That happens.

That's yeah, that's fine.

That's a pre-vote.

That happens.

No, that still happens in Mexico.

Yeah, it still happens here.

Yeah, that's just classic.

There's already some in here.

Oh, my God.

I already won before the ballots open.

That's such a relief.

That's like Putin.

It's an honor to be a president again.

The elections next week.

It doesn't matter.

In Ramon Arino, a judge took the ballot box home at the end of the day.

That's fine, though.

Those are those you're flagging that sort of stuff.

Didn't that happen in Florida in like 2000?

It happened in Ohio in 2004.

Oh, yeah, both times George W.

Bush won.

Oh, yeah, he didn't fucking win.

Guys, look,

we like winners.

He won, obviously.

Look how good of a job he did.

Now he paints dogs in Crawford.

Sorry, everybody.

We like him.

We do like him.

He's great.

Thank you for him.

Should I just take the hat off now?

I think it's going to his brain.

Yeah.

Just exposed brain.

I'm fine.

Careful, that'll make you Secretary of Health.

So for elections,

Mexicans would claim to be Americans, just on and on.

It's just tons of shit.

So

Anglos are still mostly winning elections, though, and Juan became involved in importing Mexicans to vote.

This is truly like exactly what Trump has invented.

Yes, it is.

We got a guy and he's bringing a bunch of Mexicans to vote and they're voting for the

Liberal Democrats and

they're putting five to ten of them inside of a donkey, bringing them across the you see it a bunch of times.

They're voting with drugs.

They're bad ombres.

They're all named fentanyl.

You've seen it a hundred times.

I was talking to the CIA.

They said, we don't know what to to do.

There's so many of them.

I said, what can we do?

They said, you got to nuke the border.

I'm both horrified.

And

so we're building a Taco Bell.

Oh, God.

And we're going to pay for it.

The Rayo Nachos Bel Grande.

With a dipping sauce.

Didn't he do like influencer marketing for like a can of beans last time around?

Yeah, he did it was it was a

Goya.

Yeah, he was like Goya is unbelievable

So he hates beaners, but not beans.

I don't get it.

I can say it, okay

Can you

Can you say it?

I shouldn't but I can you're allowed to it's very discouraged when Dave said it backstage.

That was offensive though.

He had no right.

He had no right.

And we again are sorry.

Done up is brought to you by

Squarespace.

Gareth Squarespace, of course.

What is it?

All-in-one, encompassing.

They do websites.

They do domains.

They do everything you need to set up a business on the land.

They don't do yard work.

That's actually a whole different thing.

A little confused as to...

Well, I'm talking about with a website and a domain.

And

if you want a profit, you can put up merch and you can do videos.

I'll tell you what, I like a little bit of profit.

They host videos.

We use Squarespace.

What for the yard stuff?

No, no, we use Squarespace.

We have four or five websites with Squarespace, sources page.

Yeah, man.

Man off the street instinct would tell me you

like this product.

I do like this product a lot because we've been using Squarespace for years.

They've been using us.

It's,

yeah, it's,

it's, I would say it's a parasitic relationship, but it's not.

We're the parasites, they're the hosts.

Strange what you're doing.

Yeah, it is.

We love it.

It's very easy to use.

The templates look great.

I mentioned it's easy to use because if dummies like us can do it, then I think anybody can do it.

I can't.

I'm not allowed to drive cars.

But like, everything's there.

The way it's set up to just go in and

pop stuff in and change stuff and really just set it up.

It's super easy.

Even my father could do it.

Does he use it?

He's no longer with us.

My God, did this take a dark turn?

But Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid right in one place.

From consultants to from consultations to events and experiences and showcasing offerings.

And, you know, you get a customizable website design, and it's what you need.

And you get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices, online payments, host videos like Gareth does.

Gareth has a lot of feet videos up, which

I'm trying to get taken down, but he just won't take them down.

Foot daddy.

But it's hurting the brand.

But he puts them up.

Look, you can make smarter business decisions with Squarespace Intuitive, built-in analytics tool, review website traffic, learn where to focus

engagement and track revenue with bookings, invoices, product sales, all in one place.

I don't like that you're unplugging and plugging things in during the

so head to

space a little.

Head to squarespace.com slash dollop for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Yeah, that's squarespace.com slash dollop for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Yeah.

You're a good boy.

I'm tired.

We are also brought to you by

rocket money.

Look,

a lot of people aren't aware of how much you spend each month.

Do you know how many subscriptions you pay for right now?

Many.

You can't name it, right?

Can you?

There's no way you can name a number.

No way.

And especially if you have like two people in the family, like sometimes my wife, I'll be like, oh, I canceled Peacock because we're not using it.

And then all of a sudden I go back and look and she's redone.

Peacock.

So I'll jump in.

Dave Stanton, rocket money is good to passively, aggressively fight with your significant other.

Well, no, you can go in and go, oh, we have that again.

And then you go, oh, but then you go, I was going to get rid of it, too.

There was a show I wanted to watch, so it was good that it was home.

But the way I found out it was back was by looking at Rocket Money.

And boy, were you mad.

But anyway, you probably have more subscriptions than you think.

And so

the app we're talking about, Rocket Money, is designed to help you manage your money better.

Find out what subscriptions you have and take care of it.

If you need to lose it, lose it with Rocket Money.

Get rid of that subscription.

Save Save a little pocket money, get yourself a little rocket money.

Absolutely.

That's what I always say.

What Rocket Money is: is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions and monitors your spending.

It helps lower your bills.

You can grow your savings.

And I know, Gareth, you'd love to grow your savings.

Oh, boy, how'd he do it?

I just like to say stuff to make you respond when you're bending over and plugging things.

No, it's nice.

It's good.

My neck is, I'm getting a Rogan neck.

If you've got a goal you'd like to save for a Rocket Money,

analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put a little extra money aside.

Do you think Luke just came in here and just kicked every cord out of everything?

Yeah.

Okay.

Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you, which it did for me.

It saved me $300 a year on my internet.

The app automatically scans your bills, finds opportunities to save, and then goes to work to get you better deals.

They'll even talk to customer service for you so you don't have to, which is huge plus.

So Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the premiums, apps, features.

We both have saved tons of money.

As I just mentioned, the internet, but also subscriptions.

I've had like four or five canceled now.

Ten?

Yeah.

And

you had weird ones.

Internet radio, like who does that anymore?

But that was you.

Goat watcher.

Goat watcher.

So look, cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with rocket money go to rocket money.com slash dollop today that's rocket money.com slash dollop rocket money.com slash dollop

hey

the dollop is brought to you by mood

not just like moods because yep they don't moods don't have sponsors no we're talking about mood correct online cannabis company revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges.

You know, you got sleepless nights, can't sleep a little bit.

You got stress-filled days, you're a little bit freaking out, on edge.

How about a little mood, Gareth?

Take it.

Enjoy it.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% federally legal THC blends.

They'll deliver them discreetly right to your doorstep.

That's discreetly.

Oh, yeah.

You don't even know this person's been there.

No, no one walks up and screams, there's stuff in here.

It's there.

It's like Santa.

That's right.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code dollop.

Yeah, they got gummies.

They got everything.

It's the stuff.

It's the gummies.

It's the way to go.

Big fan.

Big fan.

Totally.

You got sleepy time gummies that'll put you in there.

Sleepy time gummies are so helpful.

Yeah.

I can.

Yeah.

Many people struggle with sleep.

Get a sleepy time gummy.

What makes these different is how they've paired THC and other canabinoids, which is a word that

people shoot

with herbs and adaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or really anywhere for that matter.

Special stuff.

And they have gummies for literally everything.

Immune support, menopause relief, PMS symptoms, mental clarity, sexual arousal.

Oh, boy.

But you can get that from just listening to my voice.

And each one

using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but listeners get 20% off their first order with code dollop.

Head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies, and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code DALUP at checkout to save 20% on your first order.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

And as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit carrington.edu/slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

Start your journey toward the perfect engagement ring with Yadav, family owned and operated since 1983.

We'll pair you with a dedicated expert for a personalized one-on-one experience.

You'll explore our curated selection of diamonds and gemstones while learning key characteristics to help you make a confident, informed decision.

Choose from our signature styles or opt for a fully custom design crafted around you.

Visit yadavjewelry.com and book your appointment today at our new Union Square showroom and mention podcast for an exclusive discount.

Hey,

the dollip is brought to you by mood.

Not just like moods.

Yep.

Moods don't have sponsors.

No.

We're talking about mood.

Correct.

Online cannabis company.

Revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges.

You know, you got sleepless nights, can't sleep a little bit.

You got stress-filled days, you're a little bit freaking out, on edge.

How about a little mood, Gareth?

Take it.

Enjoy it.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% federally legal THC blends.

They'll deliver them discreetly right to your doorstep.

That's discreetly.

Oh, yeah.

You don't even know this person's been there.

No, no one walks up and screams, there's stuff in here.

It's there.

It's like Santa.

That's right.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code dollop.

Yeah, they got gummies.

They got everything in.

It's the, it's the stuff.

It's the gummy.

It's the way to go.

Big fan.

Big fan.

Totally.

You got sleepy time gummies that'll put you in.

Sleepy time gummies are so helpful.

Yeah.

I can't.

Yeah.

Many people struggle to sleep.

Get a sleepy time gummy.

What makes these different is how they've paired THC and other canabinoids, which is a word that

people shoot

with herbs and adaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or really anywhere for that matter.

Special stuff.

And they have gummies for literally everything: immune support, menopause relief, PMS symptoms, mental clarity, sexual arousal.

Oh, boy.

But you can get that from just listening to my voice.

And each one

tested using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but listeners get 20% off their first order with code dollop.

Head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies, and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code DALLOP at checkout to save 20% on your first order.

Start your journey toward the perfect engagement ring with Yadav, family-owned and operated since 1983.

We'll pair you with a dedicated expert for a personalized one-on-one experience.

You'll explore our curated selection of diamonds and gemstones while learning key characteristics to help you make a confident, informed decision.

Choose from our signature styles or opt for a fully custom design crafted around you.

Visit yadavjewelry.com and book your appointment today at our new Union Square showroom and mention podcast for an exclusive discount.

This NFL season, every moment counts.

It's the ultimate season to score, powered by TCL, the official TV partner of the NFL.

And believe me, football has never looked better.

Picture this.

Kick off on a massive 75-inch TCL QD mini LED TV.

The brightness is stunning.

The colors explode with intensity, and the motion is so smooth.

You'll feel like you're on the sidelines.

Whether it's touchdowns, movies, or gaming marathons, TCL delivers performance that brings it all to life.

TCL makes it easier than ever to upgrade with savings up to 50% off select models.

Don't just watch the game, own it.

TCL is the official TV partner of the NFL.

Available at all major retailers.

Visit tcl.com for details.

That's tcl.com.

TCL, the ultimate season to score.

There's a newspaper in the area called the American Flag Newspaper.

The American Flag Newspaper?

That sounds like a fucking news.

Right, yeah.

If the My Pillow Guy had a paper.

Called the Flag of America.

Quote, an hour before the election, they are fast friends.

Mexicans, my very good friends.

An hour after the election, they are a crowd of greasers.

Oh, yeah, sure.

That's fine.

We're sorry.

Yeah, it's not your fault.

No, but we didn't mean it.

It's cool.

We love...

Look, you're not just greasers.

You're great.

It's okay.

It's fine.

I mean, that doesn't happen anymore.

It's not like candidates nowadays

tell people, like, oh, yeah, we like you, and then forget about them when they win, right?

Not in this country, my man.

Yeah.

Nope.

Nope.

Fire everybody, everybody's equal.

It's called socialism.

It's called communism.

It's called what?

Anarchism?

I don't know.

Sorry, I'm trying to look up the pictures because they disappeared on me.

I mean, I get to go back to Mexico.

It's your problem.

Never thought of it.

Imagine 15 years ago hearing that I get to go back to Mexico.

People be like, what?

Now we're like, take me with you.

What's it like?

Milk.com.

What the fuck?

We saw your other tabs.

The rest of my pictures didn't load, so whatever.

The what?

The rest of the pictures didn't load, so just fucking deal with it.

So we're going to be, well, if we're going to be on one picture, I think we all want to.

We're going to be on this guy.

It's a good picture.

So free alcohol flows, there's also intimidation and force of the polls.

So Juan now becomes so in through his working with the election guys, he becomes so influential that in 1859, he's appointed to the County Democratic Committee, even though he's still under indictment for murder and wrestling.

Wow.

Criminals in office, huh?

The Democrats, too.

Yeah.

And now a lot of of Mexicans are angry as their land is being taken through legal maneuvering and debt seizure and terrorism.

So the whole place is...

It's like the that's on the list.

No, debt stuff, terrorism.

It's all we're just figuring it out.

I'm sorry, were the Mexicans burning Teslas or something?

Did you dare?

Yeah.

Yeah, they were.

Even back then.

Even back then, yeah.

On July 13th, Juan rode into town to go to a saloon and a restaurant that he often went to, and in the street, he saw town marshal Robert Shears, who was an ex-Texas Ranger, pistol whipping an old Mexican man who had once worked on Juan's mother's ranch.

Now, Shears is from Kentucky, had a bad temper.

He was known for chewing an excessive amount of tobacco.

and squinting his eyes in an annoying way.

I think really that's the worst part of it.

Yeah.

That's it right there.

It's the Clint Eastwood.

Yeah.

Used to be cute.

Yeah.

Then it got like weird.

Yeah.

Like the pistol whipping, fine, but the squinting, I mean.

He might not have known what he was.

His eyes might have been closed and he might have just been his gun might have jammed or something.

We don't know.

It's also

look at me like that again.

It's also very sunny in Brownsville.

It is sunny.

Yeah, you got to get a squint on.

Juan asked him why he was beating the guy.

That's a really funny first start.

Like instead of stopping it to be like, What's going on?

That guy's face is smashed.

You broke an old man's head.

And Juan didn't like the answer, so he quote,

Juan, he answered me insolently, and I punished his insolence and avenged my countryman by shooting him with a pistol and stretching him at my feet.

Biba, Mexico!

Easy does it, Adoro.

I'm sorry.

Easy does it, huh?

I don't know what got into me.

And then Juan pulled the beaten man onto his horse and rode out of town with him.

And as he did, all the Mexicans jeered.

Woo!

Woo!

The marshal was not dead.

Wait, what?

The marshal would recover.

And Juan rode to Matamoros, and then a 25-man posse was put together to hunt Juan.

But by the time it came to riot out of town, only five would go.

What happened there?

Just cold feet, or they just were like...

They're scared of Juan.

They're scared of Juan.

Okay.

Right.

Juan Cortina was now a hero to poor and underprivileged Mexicans on both sides of the border, and he was indicted in Brownsville for attempted murder.

So he brings his family to Mexico.

And in Mexico, he is now given a captain's commission in the Federal Army.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah, I get it too.

He starts recruiting men, and he soon had 100 men.

And he swore to get revenge on the sheriff and every man who had joined his posse.

Oh, shit.

So that's why the 20 didn't show up.

They're like, technically,

I did not do it.

So,

yeah.

So Glavecki is now deputy sheriff, and he's pretty sure Juan just wants to kill him.

What gave it away?

Was it the part where he said, I'll kill you next time I see you?

Or when he tried to kill him?

I don't know, man.

Make signals.

It's weird.

On September 28th, 1859, Juan Cortina and 70 men crossed the Rio Grande at 4 a.m.

and his men would become known as

Cortinistas.

Cortinas.

Cortinistas, yeah.

Yeah, the Cortinistas.

The Cortiners, yeah.

Yeah, Cortinistases.

Yeah.

And they entered Brownsville shouting, quote, Viva Chino Cortina.

Yeah, that's fine.

What's Chino mean?

Chino?

Yeah, that's a pant.

No, Chino is like a Chinese.

Yeah.

It's a what?

Chinese.

Whoever has like a, you know,

if their eyes are vaguely Asian,

we call them Chinese in Mexico.

I'm not proud of it, but it has to be.

Are you being serious?

I am being serious.

You're fucking serious right now?

No, no, he's setting a trap for the whites.

Don't fall into it.

I am fucking serious.

No, I am serious.

No, no, no, no, no, I am serious.

So they're running across the border going, go, chink.

What the fuck's happening right now?

But that's the end of the show.

Not tonight's forever.

I thought.

So much for the good, guys.

Look, we're not all perfect.

Okay.

Well.

Lo Siento?

I don't know where to go.

I don't know.

I don't think you're allowed to be racist.

Is that correct?

I don't know how it works.

Not really.

It's wrong.

It's wrong.

Yeah, okay.

We can do it.

Just being clear.

Oh, yeah, sure.

It's kind of a philosophy here.

No, I mean, for some reason, we just, anybody who has, like, my wife has, like, squinty eyes.

I don't think we're allowed to have this conversation.

I'll be honest with you.

Your wife has squinty eyes?

I don't think you're allowed to say that.

I don't know that term, but.

So you call her Gino around the world.

No, I don't, but.

You're thinking it all the time, aren't you?

You're just sitting there thinking, Gino, Gino.

You disgusting racist.

No, you're white, and I'm a white.

They used to call my mother-in-law China.

China?

What the fuck is happening?

That's just China's pronouncement properly.

Because she had, like, no, because we have masculine and feminine forms, so Chino is for men.

China is a feminine feminine.

Oh, yeah, I love how your racism is even

grammatically created.

So what if if you're going to get it?

If you're going to be racist, at least get your grammar right, Gareth.

If you call...

Hey, Chino, it's China.

Get it right.

It's insulting.

I'm a woman.

Respect their pronouns while you're being racist, please.

I'm a MILF.

I am a China.

Why are we walking around with pants?

Like the Chino, what?

We shouldn't be doing that.

No, no, none of it.

That changes everything.

No, these are my racist pants.

Yeah.

Hey, honey, you see my racist pants?

I want to go troll some people.

You see my misogynist shorts?

The ones that camel toe right up front?

Want to go troll the lives at a hot dog stand.

We're mamous knucklers

Oh my god, Mexico was doing so well up until now

Fuck it

We need to build a wall

Guess who's gonna build that wall if it gets built

Chinos No, not the Chinos

dude No

no

don't say Chinos.

No, they just the Mexicans and the Americans agree that Chinos should build a fucking wall.

They did build the railroads.

Stop talking!

In what pants?

Mexicanos.

Yeah.

They were wearing Mexicanos.

Mexicano pants.

I'm just going to curl up him here.

We'll see you guys later.

Well, that's why it's great that these rotate so you could sort of it's kind of like the voice mine doesn't

Dave when you say something I like I'll turn around to see who said it

Viva Mexico

anyway where were we

well we were just coming together in our horrific racism yeah

It was just a race-off.

I mean, that just happens when you get three guys together on stage.

And they also chanted, Marana los gringos.

Oh, that's racist.

Maran los gringos.

Los gringos?

Kill the gringos, I think, right?

Quachingena somara los gringos.

So what?

What's happening?

How do you say, kill the gringos?

Yeah.

How do you say it?

Say it into the microphone, kill the gringos.

Matena los gringos.

Say kill whitey.

Say it.

Maten al blanquito.

Say it names.

Way too comfortable with that.

What?

I'm sorry, dad.

So the poor of the city joined the attack, and Juan's raiders were in small parties of four or five each with

a specific person

they were seeking to kill.

So

he's just hit squats, yeah.

Yeah, he's got he's got squads, death squads.

So

they tried to raise the Mexican flag over the town, but they couldn't find a rope.

Imagine.

Because, yeah, the whites had all the ropes.

I'm sorry, what?

They're in use.

Or pending use.

We're having

a great rope shortage.

Klavaki hid in a store on Levee Street as the Carnistas took guns, ammo, booze, and horses from homes.

He kept control of Brownsville for a day and then he rode out of town.

He was now the first man to strike back against the racist society that many Tejanos believe was evil.

I mean, you got to fight fire with fire, right?

I agree.

Yeah, but then we look at it like someone came at us with fire out of nowhere.

What the hell happened?

We were sitting around doing nothing.

Our fire is allowed.

That night, he gathered

more men on the border, about 200, and said he wouldn't attack again if he could bring his livestock and personal

property into Mexico.

But also that he would, quote, kill those who had offended him once the opportunity offered.

See, that's quite a second part of that.

I want peace.

Just allow me to cross the border in peace.

Okay, we will.

Plus, I have a kill list, and I plan on hitting them.

I'm done with the bullshit.

Retribution, I think it's called, called, right?

Yeah.

All right.

That's cool.

Men came to negotiate, but Juan was very adamant that he was going to kill his enemies.

That is.

I mean, we're really talking.

Remember, this guy is 5'6.

Like, he's.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen a Chihuahua?

Like...

Have you ever seen a little Chihuahua dog just barking at a pit bull or something?

I have.

5'6 ⁇ .

I mean, I'm like slightly taller than he is.

I'm like 5'.

I'm like 6'2.

No, you're not.

See, that's why you got to get to the metric system.

God damn it.

Yeah.

You're lost right now, baby.

You're lost.

Yeah, I'm 5'8.

It's fine.

I do like going over to negotiate with him, and he's like, I'm going to kill him.

So, what if you just.

I mean, remember when he talked to the wagon master, he choked him near to death.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He's like at death's door.

He doesn't take shit.

No, and he killed the other guy, too.

So when he rode into Matamoros, he was greeted as a hero.

And then he issued a pronunciamento.

Pronunciamento.

Pronunciamento.

Ironically, pronunciar is also, you know, how you say words.

So it's like a proclamation, but it's also like the same word is used for how you pronounce words, which you not pronouncing it right is just amazing.

You know, I really feel like I'm living inside of Duolingo tonight.

Let me tell you something.

I did not expect here

to be treated like this

in Trump's America.

You're a white man under attack, huh, brother?

This is exactly what we've been talking about.

Let me ask you this.

The way I pronounce it

as a white man.

All right, well, take it.

It's the way it's pronounced.

Okay.

Anyway, he said something, and then

that's the way a lot.

When you take them out of the bubble and they say what they say, they're just like a weirdo shouting.

All right, Grandpa, look, get off the chair.

Because they tried to take it away from me.

I'm a white.

All right, sir, listen.

This is a cracker barrel.

Sit down.

I have waffles.

Is that where they all meet at the Cracker Barrel?

I mean, well, if you can't afford Golden Corel.

Yeah.

Not in this economy, Gary.

Eventually they'll all be at Denny's.

So basically he just said, yeah, he said, fuck everybody, and that was it, right?

Yeah.

In the pronunciamento.

That's better.

Which basically said that he, as a U.S.

citizen, would fight the land speculators, and then Mexicans living in Texas would defend themselves to the death.

Brownsville Mexican citizens were like, we're doing what?

To the what?

Hey, we didn't all.

No.

I just came here for the booze and the horses.

What the fuck is happening?

I want to be home by four.

Brownsville's postmaster said Juan was, quote, formally proclaiming a war of races.

Yeah.

Yep.

Another on that.

I mean, at least it was formal, you know.

Hey, Luke, can I get another thing in my doodle?

Thank you.

I'll have one while we're having it.

Hey, Luke's at our merch table back there, and we have a...

Everybody say hi, Luke.

Hi, Luke.

Hi, Luke.

If you see Luke, give him a snack.

He likes him.

Did you heard about the snack today in the van?

No.

Oh, my God.

Holy.

What did he do?

Dude.

What happened?

So we have a little segment on the Patreon called Luke Eat Snacks, and people send the worst things you can eat.

And some...

Sophia Lopez from El Monte, California sent

we'll never forget her name

for what she did.

It was a crime what she did to us.

It's a Chinese

Chino.

It's a Chino.

It's like

not in bed anymore.

It smelled before the box was opened.

Smelled.

She sent.

It was like fermented tofu or something.

But even it's, we can't do it justice.

No, it didn't need to be.

When the seal was cracked, I almost vomited in the van.

But

it was open,

and it was the worst thing I've ever smelled, without question.

Ever.

We were in a van.

Like, we were not in, like, a a location we could leave.

It's the kind of thing you would throw in a cyber truck.

And then the cyber truck would just turn into dust.

So this woman sent Luke like a biological weapon.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

She sent him like COVID, the next COVID.

And he took a spoonful of it and

tried to eat it.

And I am almost vomiting.

We're all almost vomiting.

He almost threw up in a liquid death box.

The irony.

And

we literally had to pull over and go to a gas station and fill the car with air fresheners.

Open all the doors, and he bought, like, I'm not kidding, like 20 air fresheners.

Well, I mean, we had to attack.

We were attacked, and we're Americans, we strike back with real force.

That's right.

And then we threw it out, and Luke, we were like two hours later, like, it's nice, the smell's gone.

And he was like, it's still in my beard, and I can taste it.

And we're like, oh, well, that's.

I mean, you are the one who put it in your mouth, to be honest with you.

So it's literally a biological weapon.

It was, it was the worst.

I don't know how you get to be this old and not know about the worst thing on earth.

Like, there is a new category of the worst thing on earth.

Yeah.

It's the only thing he's not been able to swallow.

And believe me, I've tested it.

This is a family show.

Yeah.

I made a family in his throat.

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck.

We're having fun.

So

in Brownsville, They said all the raiders were Mexican, and the city is now in a state of fucking panic.

Yeah.

No one knew who to trust.

They made barricades out of 80,000 bricks and at night.

So they built a wall.

They built a wall.

Isn't it amazing that the technology hasn't changed?

We're still like...

Hey, you gotta build a button really tall.

That's all we've got.

Yeah, they fuck.

It's got to be more bricks.

Bigger.

Taller wall.

Oh my god.

We haven't thought of the wall tall enough.

At night, the Anglos huddled in the central part of town.

The American flag paper quote to the American press: Brownsville had become Fort Gringo.

I'm even a little confused by that one.

Yep, so they're trying to reclaim the word, I think.

Yeah, right.

The G word.

Yeah.

They sent a message to Mexican General Carbajal asking for help.

And he said.

I knew that.

Help.

Help.

And he sent 50 militiamen from Matamoros to Brownsville to protect U.S.

citizens.

So noble.

Thank you.

So now the.

Thanks, Luke.

Thank you, Luke.

You know what, now that you mention it, I could smell it.

Yeah.

Luke, you smell it.

It's just a regular hum.

That's his normal odor.

Right, so they've asked the Mexican

general for help.

He sent men.

So now, Mexican military are in Brownsville to protect the scared gringos from the American

with the militia.

It's a little backwards.

Yeah, no, it's

fucking crazy.

So

they also appealed to the Texas state government and President Buchanan.

So more, as is going on, more people are joining Juan because he seems like a badass at this point.

So the villages along the Rio Grande and even from the interior of Mexico are all starting coming over to his side.

Quote, some were almost naked.

Why?

Is there a reason?

Yeah, we were ready to party.

Playing that goddamn accordion rock.

Why naked?

Is that just just sort of that.

They just didn't have any money and they couldn't buy clothes.

They literally had nothing.

Is that right?

I mean, I had a dream.

They had nothing but a dream.

I mean, that's how it is in my movie.

I read that script, and I've told you that someone has to have money in it.

We will build a wall.

We will.

No, it's a barricade of bricks.

It's not a wall.

In Corpus Christi Ranchero, it said he was taking advantage of, quote, idle, vicious, depraved, thievish, ignorant, and fanatical population.

Was he running for president

when he said all this?

But he did get 6,000 in donations from people in the Matamoros.

And in D.C.

and Austin, they have no idea what the fuck is happening.

The border is very complicated.

Imagine.

I like how one guy laughed at Austin had no idea what was happening.

The border is very complicated.

The Texas Senate wanted the governor to send a thousand Texas Rangers, but the governor's not sure if he should do that.

And by October, he wanted taking his army to his mom's land.

Which sounds like a really weird thing.

Yeah.

Gonna take the army to my mom's land.

Mommy hit his mouth.

His motherland.

Motherland.

Yeah.

You mean Mexico?

Yeah, I agree.

So he sets up fortified camps on his mom's land.

It doesn't sound manly.

Sorry.

He sets up

fortified camps on his mommy's land.

Better.

Stay on his MILF's land.

He's not fucking his mom.

Hey, come on.

Then somebody else was.

Some of us are getting there in a different way.

Let us go, babe.

And they even send out groups, and they would take control of local villages.

He spends a lot, most of his time in Matamoros, where he just walks down the streets and is treated as a hero.

And then Brownsville concluded they are safe, and the Mexican militia leaves.

And then the sheriff and Glavaki arrest one of Juan's best friends near his ranch.

And Juan said if he is not released, he would quote, lay the town in ashes.

So let him go.

That's what you do.

You let him go without question.

Let him go.

Yeah, you're not like, well, I don't know.

This guy seems like a fucking wimp.

Yeah.

And in Brownsville, people said they would rather die than release him.

So, Juan attacks.

He taxed with 40 men in broad daylight, just shooting into the town.

Did he attack just the one time?

It's literally all I keep thinking about.

The amount of times I'm like, uh-huh.

Yeah, there was just one of them.

I'm asking you to just release my Juan friend.

It's one friend.

And the mayor

had gotten a howitzer from a steamboat.

What?

It's how you fucking do things.

Yeah, you go to the boat and you go, can I get a machine gun?

Absolutely.

Or a steamboat.

Why wouldn't we have a howitzer on here?

Here you go.

Anything else you want?

Grenades, nukes?

And he asked the Mexican military for help, and they brought a cannon.

Well,

not a howitzer.

So the Brownsville Public Safety Committee, who are just basically rich assholes, created the Brownsville Tigers Militia, and they put in charge a Scottish sailor.

Fuck yeah, they did.

What the fuck is happening?

I'll tell you what the fuck is happening.

This shit just got fucking real.

War.

It makes perfect sense.

I mean, Juan was barely starting to understand American English, and then you sent me a business.

There's not going to be a problem with any accents in this one.

I'm speaking perfectly clearly, Juan.

I think you can understand every part of it.

Questasiendo?

You what?

Questas diciendo?

No, I don't understand that much.

But listen, what we gotta do is come around the back.

That's the zone, mate.

Then look it up that way, you come back around, you go, oh, no, I've done nothing that.

No, seriously, what the fuck are you saying?

No,

no, he's trying to be anything like that.

I got a bit like that.

Right?

He's coming around the corner, got a bit of squint, and you go, oh my god, what have you got?

A bit of a chino.

Wow.

Don't say wow to me like that.

I'm allowed to say it.

I'm married to one.

It's absolutely bloody fine, isn't it?

Anyway, what was he up to then?

Got a bit of snakey boys, haven't I?

Tell you what, you want to find out if it's authentic, Scotts, but have a look underneath, see if you've got the real real saga bagpipes.

Bad news, mate.

The humidity has not played well upon me.

Christ almighty, I've got to sit down there for a fucking orchestra.

I'll tell you that much.

Have a look, see.

Oh, sick and tired of me, too.

Thank you.

Get back at your little thing then.

Come on.

Again, I am both impressed and horrified.

So they are joined.

The Brownsville Tigers, led by this Scottish guy, Archie.

Trust me, I've got this.

Are joined by

75 Mexican militia.

That communication, as we said, must have been amazing.

And they attack Juan at his ranch.

And the howitzer and the cannon fail.

I can't believe we've been unable to do it with a weapon status this, eh?

This has never happened to me before.

I must be nervous.

Got a bit of stage fright.

Let's just rub each other's backs.

Unfortunately, before we got near his house, I shot everything all over.

So nervous.

It's a compliment, if you think about it.

I was so excited to take him that when I got there, I just finished right into the hill.

Give me 10 minutes to reload.

Maybe we can have another go.

Yeah.

Let me have another shot, shot, please.

You promised me a Loganus monster.

Well,

what can I tell you?

You got a baby shark.

Apologize.

So they attack Juan at his ranch.

The howitzer and cannon fail, and they push the howitzer into the river to stop Juan's men from taking it.

That is where you know you're fucked.

Yeah, you're just dumping shit into the water.

Hide the weapons from the other guys.

Hide our best weapon from our opponent.

The tigers' muskets wouldn't fire because it was drizzling.

Oh my god, it's so fucking sad.

By the way, I've had that happen before as well.

I need to have a dry condition.

Otherwise, the musket won't shoot properly.

That's kind of, it's a paradox, right?

You have to be dry to get wet.

Well, absolutely, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Chafing, all that, yeah.

You want the right amount of wet, but too much.

All of of a sudden, you're slipping in and out.

Don't know where you're going.

Bing!

Bang!

Back door!

Oopsie poopsie!

Oh, it's happened!

It's happened.

They're about two inches apart.

You get confused.

Sorry about that.

Don't blame me.

That was God's design.

Well, he should have put one in the center of the chest if he wanted it to be clear.

Life's a bloody riddle, and so are the Jennies.

The genie's

the genies.

And they let this guy run the army?

Hey!

Trust me.

Whoa!

I'm just really hard.

Yeah, because that's what he needs, encouragement.

You think that guy is...

Even when that guy dies, he's a zombie, okay?

Trust me.

So they also discover that their cartridges are too big for their muskets, so they end up fleeing in panic.

A tiger quote: Our men commenced arriving in town, some on foot, others on horses, mules, and asses, almost, sorry, mostly double, and many of them without arms.

So they just

one guy who rode in on a pig.

It was weird.

I rode in on a fucking ass once with no arms.

Junior College.

In the battle, Juan Cortina had lost two men and several were wounded.

The Tigers lost one man.

The Cortinistas pulled the howitzer from the river and had the cannon.

I mean, in retrospect, tossing it all in the river isn't really great.

Like, they were like, oh, we got it.

It's in the river.

Maybe it was a bad idea to have a Scottish sailor lead the land fight.

You watch your fucking mouth, mate.

I'm sorry.

I thought the river would take the howle it's far down.

They also

got gunpowder and other ammo.

Now Juan

told the squinting sheriff and Glavecki to meet him on the battlefield or quote, I am about to march upon the town and have sufficient force and artillery to batter down the houses.

And then he started shooting off the cannon every morning at 6 a.m.

to freak out everyone in Brownsville.

That's how you do it.

Every morning, he's like, he's fucking trolling me, he is.

Showing off.

All of this led to more recruits joining Juan's army.

And they came not just because they hated the gringos, but also because Juan is very charismatic and a leader.

75% are very poor men from Mexico, and they fly the Mexican flag at his camp, even though it's a...

Oh, they found rope.

Nice.

It was in the river.

Get rid of this as well.

Actually, I might go under for a bit.

The river's magic.

The Brownsville Tigers went to Corpus Christi and said crazed Cortenistas had taken Brownsville and executed all of the tigers.

Sorry, a Brownsville Tiger.

So one guy goes up to Corpus Christi and's like, there's a slaughter.

Everybody's dead.

They're eating the the dogs, they're eating the cats.

The one

sending the most paranoid messenger.

They're eating dogs.

They took our jobs.

They ate the cats.

One of the guys ate me.

I'm dead.

And then bad guy founded Waterburger.

Yeah.

So headlines now spread across the world, and the Corpus Christi Guards militia is quickly formed and the editor of the Ranchero warned a quote idle, vicious, depraved, thievish, ignorant, and fanatical population was on the loose and they must be crushed.

I think he missed some adjectives.

I think he didn't use them all.

Fucked bullshit.

They believe Juan had 900 men who swore to kill every white man and take all land up to the Colorado River.

It's just disgusting.

When you hear about that sort of racist shit, it's just so hard.

Yeah, it's just taking white menu.

You guys have been through so much.

Yeah, we have.

I mean, people keep trying to take the stuff we took.

It's like, stop.

Stop it.

It's not fair.

This is a classic story of how we try to be nice to Mexicans.

Yes.

Right.

And then they're all making it about race.

We give you the gift of Taco Bell and you reject it?

We accepto.

We accepto.

You're.

What about fucking

fucking?

What about Del Taco?

Nobody likes Del Taco.

What the fuck?

I got bad news.

We got the biggest Del Taco.

Oh, is he the one guy keeping it in business?

Yeah.

He's the one guy.

How dare you?

How dare you?

Oh, my God.

He walks in and they wake up off a a cot.

It's like, oh, shit, someone's here.

Hey, how are you?

You know, this is a Taco Bell.

Oh, cool.

All right.

What do you want?

Yeah, we're excited.

Writers were sent to communities all over the West to warn them and find volunteers.

So they think he has 900 men.

They think he's a giant army.

The New Orleans Daily True Delta paper, quote, We are being warred upon by

atrocious savages who would as soon beat out the brains of an infant as shoot an undoubted spy.

It is a war upon the American race, and its full extent, no one knows.

So, you guys have had the same press secretary since then?

You gotta love how we turn America into a race.

Like, also, like, we are.

Well, that's all they won, right?

Just the one

race.

Yeah.

I mean,

it really is nuts.

It's nuts.

I mean, no, it's pronounced nuces.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, nues.

Nueces.

It really is nues.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

Congracias.

Benada.

Huh?

So now all so now all over Texas, they're envisioning this murderous serape-wearing Mexicans coming to kill everybody.

And plans were made to engage.

I mean, honestly, it's because the serapis or serapes are so comfortable.

Like, you really feel like wanting to kill somebody when you put on one of them.

Say it, Dave.

I don't know if you've seen Clint Eastwood, but those are ours.

Don't chino!

Don't chino on me, motherfucker.

I don't even know what we're allowed to say and not say anymore, to be quite honest with you.

But those are ours, like we took them back in the 70s in the Westerns.

We took them you took them back, yeah, and then we didn't reclaim them because we're like, oh, yeah, sure, you can have them.

I mean, exactly, and now

we wear them in Sedona

exactly.

You can keep them.

They're ours.

Now I don't want them.

He's trying to trick us.

No,

they're ours.

Yeah.

We took them.

Yeah.

We won.

USA, American race.

We won!

I'm scared.

It's pretty straightforward, dude.

Everything we do is right.

Everything you do is wrong.

Just fucking admit that you took an L.

No, it's okay.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I don't know why I'm getting angrier.

I mean, I don't know.

It's crazy.

I'm fucking furious right now.

The hat's not helping.

I'm pink hot right now, dude.

So people are making plans to invade Mexico.

And then on October 16th, John Brown attacked Harpers Ferry, Virginia.

And in Texas, they thought this,

in Texas, they're like, this has to be connected to Juan Cortina's race war.

That's so fucking.

John Brownsville.

God damn it, they're attacking us whites everywhere.

A white guy attacking whites like, oh, no, it's airborne.

Wait, did the same guy that went to Corpus Christi went up and said, like, they're attacking Virginia now.

What the fuck?

And then

wildfires break out across northern Texas.

Oh, that still happens.

And the San Antonio Daily Herald says this has to be connected to the race war.

I like how they're so afraid of somebody that's not them.

Like, they're so afraid of somebody who's not white that they turned him into a wizard somehow.

Yeah.

He's just starting fires from a distance, like from hundreds of miles away.

I don't know.

It's amazing.

The Mexicans have a dragon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's just, it's always, it's just like Alex Jones was the first guy to put it online.

They've been like, they've been doing it the whole time.

You know, you got these Mexicans now, they're running like rampant.

They got big old wizard staffs and they're shooting their wizard staffs.

They turned John Brown, last name Brown, not a white guy, obviously.

They turned him into a looking guy.

He's a shapeshifting.

All right, He's a shapeshifting man, obviously.

They're lighting fires.

They're doing it.

John Brown, Mexican.

They're coming here.

They're taking our Taco Bells.

They're rejecting them.

Taco Bell, by the way, new Pizzagate.

I think I like the Scottish guy better.

All right.

It's not a problem.

Can't you see in the next like couple years that they think that Mexicans are invading through tunnels under Taco Bells?

Couldn't you see them saying that?

Yes.

Oh, no joke.

Like a couple months ago, about half a mile from where our studio is, they found a tunnel.

People were just being smuggled down there.

It was fun.

We lost a revenue stream, but we'll recover.

So an old general decides it's time to take action and to send troops from Fort Leavenworth, Kansas

to the old general?

Yeah, like he's

already getting into it.

They always are ready to get into it.

Well, time to crack the knuckles.

We're back, boys.

But three days later, he messages

Washington, D.C., and says, no, actually, it seems like none of that stuff is happening.

And he called the rumors, quote, mostly false.

But the Texas Rangers are already on their way.

Okay.

Have you read the room?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're about to look at the

things.

I forgot it became illegal.

We can't read the room anymore.

Illiterate the room.

So 60 Rangers arrive outside of Brownsville at 11 p.m.

on November 10th and blow their bugle.

And the good people of Brownsville then start shooting at them.

That still happens.

Checkmate, bro.

So a ranger had to sneak in around the back and get into Brownsville, and he explained that they're actually Rangers, and then they were, quote, heartily welcomed by the citizens.

We're on your side.

I am.

Oh, all right, sorry.

Want some Taco Bell?

Yes.

That night, Juan's friend was dragged out of his cell by a crazed mo.

Remember, he has that friend who got arrested.

So he was dragged out of a cell by a crazed mob, and they lynched him in Market Square.

And the Rangers are like, we have nothing to do with it.

But later it was learned that they were completely responsible.

More groups of men calling themselves Rangers then began arriving at the border.

And Juan laid a trap for a group of Rangers who thought they were pursuing a small group of men, but there was an ambush.

And three Rangers are killed.

Several Cortenissas are killed.

I was about to woo, and then I remembered I'm in Texas.

You read the room.

It'd be amazing if it was the baseball team, though.

Nolan Ryan's just like...

Nolan, you're out of your element.

The catcher's just like.

In revenge, the Rangers attacked Santa Rita, burning homes and chasing out women and children.

Nice.

Got them.

Yeah.

I mean, they're to blame, right?

All the time.

Like, oh, yeah, what do we do?

Oh, I know.

Let's go, like, burn their homes.

Yeah.

Well, look, when we save women and children, it's a big deal, but they're also,

you know.

Wow.

Well, I'm just sick of them not counting the men.

It's always women and children.

What about the white man?

How many white men, Dad?

Go ahead, read the thing.

None.

Hurry.

No, no, let's just take it in and move on.

It's fine.

Okay.

Give me the iPad.

I'll read.

No,

I will go with what my friend here says.

The Rangers prepared for a large attack, thinking they would easily take out the Cortenistas at their main camp.

The Rangers had to pull back in confusion and disarray and fled down the river while being chased.

How's it going?

As they fled, the Mexican army was on the other riverbank and shouting viva cortina and waving the mexican flag viva cortina

just

imagine winning a battle and there's just guys on the other side like showboating

it's like you're patriot fans

it's philadelphia all over again

The Rangers attack the next day.

Again, they're repelled.

But now the U.S.

Army is on the way.

And the president has decided it's time.

And Juan sent out another

pronunciamento to fire the people up to fight, to avenge their loss and land and the killings.

Quote, many of you have been robbed of your property, incarcerated, chased, murdered, and hunted like wild beasts.

So the local papers are horrified by this piece that he put out.

and said an army was on American soil under a foreign flag.

And the Cortanese just keep raiding farms now and taking livestock.

It's retrobeaching.

Wrestling cows?

Yeah.

Yeah,

they're wrestling cows.

It happened.

I bet they were waiting for it.

It finally happened.

Yeah, finally.

Fuck yeah.

When the army arrived, they combined forces with the Rangers.

Now they have far superior weapons.

But when they go to fight the Cortinistas, a heavy fog hits.

And no one can tell who is who.

And much of the fog.

Oh, they couldn't see

They can't see anybody.

It's our worst nightmare.

We are all equal.

Oh, fuck.

Shit, I can't tell who's dark and who's regular.

Rogan said this would happen.

The book of Rogan was true.

Maybe it's time for us to take an opportunity to recognize that we're all the same.

No.

Okay.

We'll kill that one.

So much of the fighting becomes hand-to-hand, and the Cortenista army is routed.

Oh, my God.

Many were killed.

A bunch fled to Mexico.

Fled to Mexico.

And Juan took what was left of his men and continued to retreat upriver.

And the Rangers were, quote, burning ranches and farms along the road, friends and foes.

Oh, friends.

Just like, Yeah, the Rangers are just foes.

Fuck you.

They're just assholes.

I'm just surprised the Rangers have friends.

They murdered anyone who they thought was sympathetic to Juan.

Oh, fuck.

And Juan's men are also burning and plundering as they go.

Both sides are just

destroying everything.

Perfect.

Yeah.

So, are we doing both sides now?

Is that what we're doing?

There are fine people on both sides.

Nobody's saying that they're.

An Army major, quote, the whole country from Brownsville to Rio Grande City, 120 miles, and back to the Arroyo, Colorado, has been laid to waste.

And then Juan fled to Mexico.

No, he gets to go back to Mexico.

We deported him.

He's been deported.

No, that's fine.

I mean, just like he was received as a hero, yeah.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, you're deported.

Oh, no,

I get to go back.

Deported.

Please let us say we're deporting you.

All right.

Fills us with this weird pride.

I get to be deported back to Mexico.

What airline is deporting you tomorrow.

And do you have a connection during your deportation?

No, it's a non-stop from Southwest.

It's fine.

Southwest deportation.

Yeah.

You are now not free to move about the country.

So it's a thorough U.S.

victory.

And when word reached Matamoros, there was a large demonstration where they shouted, death to the gringos.

In Texas,

oh, wait.

I like how there's a few people here who understand what I'm saying.

They're really excited.

Some people are very excited.

A shocking number of people are getting a lot of people.

Kill us, kill us.

Hurry, hurry.

It has to happen.

It has to happen soon.

Soon.

In Texas, they call it a great victory for civilization.

Oh, fuck me.

Wow.

Unreal.

And they believe peace would now return.

Return?

It wasn't even there in the first place.

But Cortenesis remained active in Texas.

They still had a lot of support of Mexico, and it becomes a guerrilla war.

And most people in the valley still supported and aided Juan Cortino.

Most of the Mexican military still supported him.

And Juan was seen in Matamoros walking about freely and recruiting men.

And one day, shots from a riverboat rained down on a ranch.

Hello!

Guess what, baby?

Ay, Vios Mio.

I dug up a houlet.

Now I've got toys.

Oh, bloody hell, the boat's taking a water.

Shit!

No!

So it...

I died, and now I'm a zombie.

Is it all in your head?

Yes, right.

He just wakes up.

He's been bitten by a weird fly.

Oh, no.

Ah, the craziest dream.

Pushed a howlitzer in the river.

So

shots from a riverboat rain down on a ranch as it's passing, and men at the ranch start shooting back.

Turns out

it was rangers on the riverboat, but word spreads that an innocent riverboat was attacked by Cortinistas.

And that leads to 40 Rangers invading Mexico.

So this gets the filibusters excited.

That still happens.

I don't want to say it anymore.

This gets all the

pleasure in saying it anymore, but it still happens.

Yeah.

Well, you know, your fault.

This gets the filibusters excited.

Your head has slowly dropped to the other side.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Every unmotivated attack.

So filibusters get excited, believing it means war, and then they can start crossing the river to seize ferry boats and taking land.

And the U.S.

Army has to tell them there is no war, and they have to stop.

Please?

But want to...

Say that again, because that sounds insane.

The U.S.

Army said

the U.S.

Army had to tell them to stop?

Yeah, because there's a bunch of filibusters.

The U.S.

Army intervened with peace.

Yeah,

the U.S.

Army's like, all right, calm down.

No.

When the U.S.

Army tells you to calm down, violence doesn't solve everything.

We're the Pentagon.

So.

This is worse shape.

So.

It is a weird one we came up with.

Too many sides.

Yeah.

Not in war.

So Juan is basically dragging Mexico into a war with the U.S.,

and Mexico sends General Garcia to arrest Juan.

And the general comes back to Mexico City and said, quote, he saw nothing of Juan.

But he also told the Americans where Juan was camp.

I think, I believe he said, I saw no Juan.

That's a great one.

But he also told the Americans where Juan's camp was.

And so the Rangers crossed the border again.

Thank you.

That made up for the woo over there.

Good.

I'm getting them on my side now.

Thank you.

One by one.

Oh, my God.

That is so funny and so racist.

I'm allowed right now.

Take it easy, Chino.

But

they confuse the Mahamoros

Mexican National Guard with Juan's men and attack them.

Don't you look the same to you?

No, no, no.

There was a fog.

There was a fog motherfucker

it was one of those fogs they got over there like look at all these goddamn horns

it's a fog

it was another one of those racial fogs

fog of war and then the rangers stole all the nearby nearby livestock they could and went back to the u.s

So just that's a crime.

That's a shocking crime.

Shocking.

Next, the Rangers crossed the border and attacked Reynosa, but there were no Cortenissas, just angry villagers in the Mexican National Guard telling them to get the fuck out of Mexico.

That's war.

So everything's getting super chaotic.

And the Rangers are.

It's barely getting chaotic.

Wow.

Just started.

And the U.S.

has to respond, and they decide to send Colonel Robert E.

Lee.

Oh, fuck.

What the fuck?

I still solve the racism problem.

I heard there.

Did somebody order extreme racism?

Allow me to put a little oil on the racial fires.

So Lee gets there and he demands Mexico arrest all Cortinistas.

And an Army major said the Rangers were clearly trying to start a war.

And at Reynosa, they shot at any Mexican going to the river for water.

And then the city put cannons in position to fire back at the Rangers.

Viva, Mexico.

This is like Rocky IV.

We don't take no shit unless you tell us to take it.

So Sam Houston is sworn in as Texas governor.

And

hold off.

He does say that Mexican Texans are being stereotyped as criminals and that they are actually, quote, good and true citizens who should be treated as such by all Texians.

But?

Dave, why not Texicans?

That's what it said in the thing.

I don't know.

Texians pops up at some point.

Texicans?

Texians.

Texians?

Yeah, that's back when they were like their own country, right?

Where they wanted to be their own country.

Is is that what it is when you guys were your own country?

You were Texans?

Immigrants from America that live in Texas were Texans.

Okay, yeah.

And then the natural.

So do you want a mic?

Okay, so the

Texans.

Show off so the Texans not for long, you're not.

You've been dojed, sir.

So all the immigrants into Texas are Texians.

Tejanos.

I don't think you're allowed to say that term, sir, but thank you for trying.

Okay.

Now explain Chinos, motherfucker.

You racists.

They're slacks.

Oh, they're lazy?

They're slacks.

They're slacks.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

It is crazy.

It is crazy.

It's what happens, man.

Mexicans get into the U.S.

and they forget where they came from.

So Houston sends commissioners to the border, and people are not very happy about that.

Sure.

The people thought they would negotiate with Juan, the commission.

Right.

And people in Brownsville just want vengeance.

They don't want to negotiate.

They're also shocked to learn the Rangers, quote, were burning ranches and hanging and shooting Mexicans without authority by law and are more dreaded than Cortina.

So the commission comes down to find out, like, what's this fucking Mexican guy doing?

And they find out that the Rangers are actually the problem.

That still happens.

Yeah.

Like, what's more shocking that it's happening or that they're surprised that it's happening?

What?

And many filibusters had actually come from around the country and were there and ready to invade Mexico, which included pro-Southern men who wanted to turn Mexico into a slave empire.

Kind of.

Yeah, we call that outsourcing nowadays.

But also, at the same time, Juan Cortina had inflamed deep-seated anger of many lowly richeros.

So the commissioners quickly concluded that if something was not done, the situation would turn into a, quote, war of the races.

Again?

We want that.

They believe the U.S.

should take possession of

large border sections of Mexico to stop it.

So their solution is, like, take over.

Oh, their solution was to make us the 51st state?

Part of it, yeah, to take a bunch of it, yeah.

All right.

You're welcome.

It's like what we have to do with Canada right now.

No, I'm no longer welcome.

That's the problem.

Oh, sorry.

I misunderstood.

You're not welcome.

No, it's that will they won't that we have with Canada right now?

The legislature gave Houston authorization to raise a calvary, and many congressmen wanted Houston to act and, quote, punish Mexico, which I agree with.

Always have.

Always will, always have.

The solution is

what?

Punish Mexico.

Yeah.

Always punish Mexico.

I mean, worst case, it's something to do.

You know what I mean?

I mean, you guys don't know this, but they charge me a tariff for this beer.

And somehow you're paying for it?

I don't get it.

It's going to work out.

Trust me.

We're paying for your beer, but we're going to be tired of winning.

Exhausted.

But then the U.S.

Army headquarters sent word to DC in mid-March that Juan Cortina had left the border and the war on the Rio Grande was over.

So Houston had missed his window to invade Mexico.

Oh, no.

It's sad.

And he stated, now he had to state that filibusters gathered there were in violation of the law, and so all the filibusters start drifting north, and they're sad.

And then the Rangers start also moving north.

And Texans learn of all the devastation that has happened on the Rio Grande Valley.

They had burnt San Erito and Rancho del Carmen, and rumors start that they had violated Juan's wife and daughter.

And though Houston confided in a State Department man sent to observe that he was still itching for a war with Mexico, he wrote to the president: All that prevents Governor Houston from moving on Mexico with a major force is money and a justifiable pretext.

Oh, they wanted to actually justify the thing

in our own way.

In our way, where we're like, oh, yeah.

If he had kept up up fighting, Houston would have invaded, like he would have gotten his invasion.

But now the Mexican military is cooperating with the American military, Juan Cortina moved his family into the Burgos Mountains in the south.

And the Mexicans promised the U.S.

they would find him and arrest him.

And though pro-war papers tried to rile things up, an American officer wrote in July 1860 that the Rio Grande Valley was, quote, perfectly quiet since the departure of the Rangers.

The papers still blamed any crime that occurred on Juan.

And Juan, however, joined with the liberal army of Benito Juarez to fight against the conservative army generals

Miguel Merman and Leonardo Marquez.

And for now, there would be no war with America.

Right, yeah.

You know, actually, the city where I come from is named Juarez because of Benito Juarez.

The guy that he went to fight with.

Really?

Yeah.

You named her Benito Juarez?

Yeah, because I mean, he became like the

savior of Mexico.

He was an asshole and he was also tiny.

But

at some point during the revolution, because we had the Mexican independence in 1810,

and then by 1910, like, you know, Benito Juarez was like right there by the middle.

But then

when the revolution was happening in 1910, because we had some asshole dictator for a while, I don't know if you know what that's like, but

like the the capital of Mexico kept moving and for a while Ciudad Juarez was the capital of Mexico.

Oh really?

Yeah and then it went downhill.

Literally?

Yeah.

You moved it downhill.

A little bit yeah.

I mean I'm pretty sure the Mexican history teacher knows it better than I do but is he right sir?

Oh he's Texas.

Oh, yeah, you're in Texas.

See, now he's not in the line with you anymore.

He's like, easy.

Build a wall between our friendship.

A brick barricade.

So the source was Cortina defending the Mexican name in Texas by Jerry Thompson.

That's hilarious that it's by a guy named Jerry Thompson.

Hi, my name's Jerry Thompson, and let me tell you about Cordino and Mexico.

I've really got this down.

I mean, that's just what is called the Gortino War, but you could actually do,

I mean,

it goes on for like then there's more fighting and stuff, and the Mexicans are fighting amongst the ladies.

These people seem let's it's it like at some point I decided to cut it off because it's just like it doesn't even it stops making sense.

No,

I don't know who's fighting who anymore.

Did it ever make sense to begin with?

I'm like, now it makes a lot of sense.

It makes so much sense.

But yeah, we almost went to another another war with Mexico.

Almost.

I'm sad that Sam Houston did not get to have his war.

I think we all are.

And now we're in Houston.

I only have one thing to say.

Biba, Mexico!

Hey, no!

Not in America, you motherfucker!

Get him!

Someone else do it.

I'm sitting.

Well, I think it just puts a finer point on everything that's always going on, which is that

well, all this stuff is new that's happening now.

Yeah.

And

white people are pretty normal.

Yeah.

You guys are great.

No, we're definitely...

We don't get panicked over nothing.

It's not our thing.

It's not something we do all the time.

There should just be like a mass therapy where we just are like in a room like, hey, what is this?

I was told there'd be marshmallows in John Cougar melon camp.

And then like the door locks and it's like, you guys are,

you gotta fucking deal with some shit real quick.

Gonna walk through history.

This is our land.

Quiet.

If you come at me with John Cougar Mellencamp, you understand why we invented accordion rock, right?

Wow.

Now we have to invade Mexico.

Honestly, that statement was an act of war.

How fucking dare you.

Thank you guys for coming out.

Give it up for Eduardo Espanitos, everybody.

Gracias, Juston.

Pima, Mexico.

Thank you, guys.

Appreciate it.

Gracias.

What's up, doll heads?

Join the Gear Force.

Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

That's right, I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois.

Two shows, a 7.15 and a 9.30.

But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th.

Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September 16th.

Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th.

And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.

on September 21st.

I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th.

Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th.

Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.

Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd, two shows.

And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.

And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at RoosterTFeers.

Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Join me.

You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.

And now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

At American Public University, we respect the hustle and we're built for it.

Our flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

At APU, the bigger your ambition, the better we fit.

Learn more about our 40-plus career relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu.