134 - The Past Times with Drew Morgan

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Drew Morgan.

Thank you for joining us, Drew.

Thank you for having me.

Hello, fellas.

We're very, you're now you like you said before, we've completed the trifecta.

We've had Trey, we've had Corey, who's just a Tasmanian devil to work with.

It must be tough for you.

He's a problem.

And now we have you.

Yeah, he makes it easier and harder.

Yeah, he've had all of the well-read guys now at this point.

Corey is definitely, you know, podcasting or live or improv type stuff.

That's definitely his four.

He's the loosest cannon.

He is the loosest cannon, the biggest cannon.

Yeah.

The biggest cannons.

Trey's more the guy yelling in a truck guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, they're very good at the internet, and I'm more of a dish best served live.

And, you know, I've known that about myself for a while now.

Speaking of which, if people want to see you live, they can go to DrewMorganComedy.com.

You'll be in Knoxville.

I'll be in Knoxville next month.

Next month, and then where else are you going?

I'll be in Denver in July.

I have a two-year-old, and I'm sort of almost two-year-old.

I sort of promised myself to be off the road as much as possible.

So I'm going to be touring next year.

He's almost two, and it's great.

You feel like when the child's three, you can be an absent father?

Is that sort of what the?

Yeah.

I'm going to go out for cigarettes and come back at the end of this weekend at Chuckle Fox.

Yeah, I do think that, actually.

I do.

I mean, like, it's a joke, but, like, yeah, I think if you get the first three years right, right?

That's what Gabor Monte says.

He's the smartest man on the internet.

I haven't even talked to my dad, so I don't know.

Go ahead, Dave.

Your dad passed away.

What were you going to say?

No, your hat says Virginia is for losers.

Lovers.

Losers.

Losers.

Interesting.

It's a Virginia is for lovers.

It's a gay hat.

It's a rainbow right there.

Gay fan gave me that.

Had it on at Chick-fil-A yesterday.

Walked in kind of thinking, hmm, wonder if I get any eyes.

Wonder if I get any judgments.

I did from a gay couple.

Only people who noticed, they were looking at me like, Ally, huh?

Why are you buying this chicken?

Bitch, why are you buying this chicken?

Let's just not tell each other.

Nobody tattle.

No, I think they were looking at me like, I don't think you're gay.

Where'd you get that hat?

Yeah.

It is interesting how Chick-fil-A did.

People decided was so delicious that they were able to overcome the fact that they were basically like, no gays.

Yeah.

I'm going to be honest, not that delicious.

Well, Dave's dumb.

I also want to say, on top of that,

I want to say on top of that, I would argue, Gareth, who I'm only exclusively talking to you now about this topic,

it got better.

It was better when it was against the rules.

Interesting.

You know what I mean?

Little shame.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So they didn't actually step up with recipes.

It just kind of felt naughtier.

Yeah, it felt naughty.

It's still the same food.

Well, good for you.

Do you want to know the only thing I eat from there?

The kale salad.

The kale salad?

Well, I didn't want to know.

I thought I might.

I was like,

Dave, why'd you you do that double down?

You don't even like the fries?

Do you just hate peanut oil?

Is that what it is?

I just, yeah, I don't know.

My kid loves it, so I take him there, but I just get the kale salad.

I enjoy the kale salad.

I usually order two and throw it in a bowl.

Yeah, we can hear the joy in your voice when you describe how much it is.

Well, it's funny because you're only a voice, and the picture you're frozen on is sort of a quizzical, like, hmm, I don't understand how things work.

So I don't know why, but I can see him.

It's just blurry.

Like, I like Oh, see, I just have a picture.

So I've got a Bigfoot blurred out.

You know, I just really enjoy the kids.

I think you'd like my experience.

It's, I think, better.

But listen, we're not here to suck spectrums, dick, and talk about how great they are.

And real quick, Drew, your other podcast.

You have another podcast.

I have a podcast with the hilarious and great Carmen Morales and our good buddy DJ Lewis called Gravy Baby.

And the concept there, we call it

good vibes for trash people.

You've heard of toxic positivity.

This is positive toxicity.

Our goal is to talk about stuff that brings us joy, but without any eat, pray, love, bullshit.

And I got to say, last few months, been a tough gig.

Go of it.

Not sure why.

Seem fine.

But the concept of the idea was like dickhead comedians getting into the space of joy.

So it's not just like ephemeral looking white women who whisper.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like the show when you're not basically we were all sad and we were like, hey, we want a podcast where we don't end up going into the abyss every week.

Let's make ourselves talk about what makes us happy.

And since we're all kind of curmudginy, it's been fun.

You know, that's very similar to why we started the pastimes.

We were like, the dollop's so depressing, but we find a way to make this one depressing as well.

It's really the skill somehow.

It's a little lighter.

Well, get ready to jump in the deep end, Drew.

You're about to get pastimed.

So

we will start by guessing what year this paper is from.

I don't have any idea.

I do think you'll go first, and I do think that you'll be closest in the eyes of Dave, who

has some mental issues that he sort of has manifested into this part of the show.

Nobody really cares for it.

It's just strange and whatnot.

But why don't you go ahead and guess a year, Drew?

Go ahead for it.

Okay.

What a dynamite intro to the concept that was.

Thank you.

Thank you, Gareth.

You're welcome.

No, it's great.

We did this because we were sad.

It sucks.

Dave's nuts.

I told him before we started I was going to attack them both.

I don't think they believed me.

No, we did.

We did.

I'm going to go.

I think it's a little bit.

Little just left.

I just froze.

I held it.

i'm gonna go night i'm gonna go 19.

i think it's it's a slightly more current i know you guys go far back sometimes i'm gonna go 1952.

that's interesting i do like it i like that guess do you

shut up i'm gonna go uh wrong

1888 wrong so wrong it's 1909

so

so 19 so

gareth loses because drew's in the 19s and that's told you how

But that was the rules going in.

I told you.

Yeah.

Congratulations, Drew.

You see what I'm talking about, Drew?

Today's winner.

Yeah, something like a price is right thing where I went over, so I'm automatically done.

No,

not so crazy now, am I?

Happy night to you.

This is the Trenton Evening Times, Trenton, New Jersey, January 21st, 1909.

So they were always doing evenings, too.

There was that.

because every time we go through these papers, there's not enough.

It's so boring, but they were like, it's got to be morning and evening.

Yeah, it's very common to do morning and evening papers.

It's interesting.

All the way up until like

1990 or so.

Like, that was a thing.

Oh, wow.

So in 1909, Trenton had a morning and an evening paper?

That's kind of crazy to me.

Yes.

It's crazy because I don't think right now Trenton would have enough news for a paper.

Well, it's

yeah, that's true.

But remember, newspapers is all they had.

Yeah.

At all.

Like, this is like their CNN.

All right.

Well, why don't, at the end of this, we will decide if this evening edition was necessary or not.

And I'm going to, I'm going to go ahead and guess that it wasn't.

Okay, this headline.

Flying hoof.

Yep, I can already kind of weigh in and say that this wasn't a necessary paper.

This story is very long.

Citizens tell of seeing the tracks.

Trail leads right up to the houses.

And this is all the headlines and sub-headlines.

Trail leads right up to the houses and then disappears as though he or she or whatever the thing is has taken flight into the realms of space.

Now, what were you saying, Gareth?

I mean, I didn't think we'd start off with Narnia shit.

Damn, what a bang, Narnia.

It's the news.

Someone tracking it when the footprints go.

They're just like, then it turned into an orb and went to Saturn, most likely.

Can we get a date other than the year?

Is this a Christmas gag?

January 21st.

Not a lot of people.

This is the fucking news in Trenton.

It's pretty good so far.

What is this, a winged beast?

The quote flying hoof.

So that's the name of this.

We're tracking Pegasus.

Is on its or her or his way to Trenton.

Scary.

It's very much like the Santa Tracker, just now that we've got the Christmas vibe out there.

There are evidences that the route selected is more or less circuitous, but the mystery Jersey Devil is surely in this neighborhood.

Now I am lost.

You've never heard of the Jersey Devil?

I've heard of the Jersey Devils, the hockey team.

Okay, but

they're named after the Jersey Devil.

Which is like a what, like a Mothman type deal?

Yes.

I mean, it's, yeah, okay, yeah.

I mean, that's kind of close.

Let me look it up.

But

what's the word for that?

In South

In South Jersey and Philadelphia folklore in the U.S., the Jersey Devil, also known as the Leeds Devil, is a legendary creature or cryptid said to inhabit the forests of the Pine Barras of South Jersey.

He's often described as a flying biped with hooves, but there are many variations.

and that's what the that's what the hockey team is named after.

Well, there you go, okay, cryptid.

That was the word I was looking for.

Um,

okay, 1909, Jersey Devil.

I feel like 1909 is too late in the game to be this superstitious on the front page of the paper.

This is this is a rag.

I agree, I agree, and I also fear how soon it will be before Trump, like we're talking about it again.

Oh, yeah,

cryptid 30.

But But now,

did the CIA exist in 1909?

Now we can throw that element into it.

Now it would be like, well, I'll tell you what the New Jersey devil is.

It's an op.

Yeah.

You know?

It's Paraguay.

Yeah.

But cryptid is also a little too close to crypto.

So

to worry, there's going to be some cryptid coin.

There's a lot of fears.

Dude, I'd invest in Mothman coin.

Yep.

Hey, how's Moth?

You're on Coinbase.

How's Moth doing?

Shit, Moth's down.

Moth keeps going going down.

Dude,

the red eyes could light up when it's doing well.

That would be enough for me.

I'm already in.

Fuck Doge.

In fact, the footprints of the wonderful Air Hoss, Leeds, Satan, and Winged Dog, as it has been variously described by different persons.

First article in the paper, Winged Dog.

Or Satan.

Is it?

If you saw a winged dog or Satan, it would be top journalism.

I mean, if you saw it, it feels like this.

Okay, but I'm just saying, if somebody's like, there's a winged dog, you'd be like, yeah, or Satan.

Yeah.

I'm not knocking on that one.

If real, include for sure.

It's been described by different persons claiming to have actually seen the species.

are already discoverable at the White City Park.

And last evening, it's tracks in the rear yard of the home of Harry Clymer in Yardville.

Fake name.

They were in a yard in Yardville.

Yeah.

The whole thing's fake.

Yeah.

This didn't help.

I can't believe you guys.

I think Dave wrote this, and I agree.

He got tired at the end.

He was like, fucking Yardville, I guess.

Well, Harry Clymer is also another name for Sasquatch.

Thank you.

That's a good point.

Everything's coming together.

Now you guys see.

So while the hoof seems only to be.

I'm trying to teach you guys.

Okay.

So while the hoof seems only to be flirting with us now, the residents are a little bit.

I love a hoof flirt.

When a girl puts her hoof in your crotch.

I love a hoof flirt.

The residents in the neighborhood of the state hospital and Cadwallader Park are momentarily expecting its appearance.

So people are watching.

So they're waiting.

They're waiting.

They're out watching, waiting for the Jersey Devil.

You can find the winged dog and the devil aren't going to, they don't love crowds.

You don't know.

Maybe they didn't know that in 1909.

Maybe they hadn't learned how private Bigfoot was.

He's so private.

Maybe this turns into

the Jersey Devil attacking a crowd and killing

many.

I feel like we would have heard about it, though.

That's the world's first hockey riot.

Yeah.

It's not like you heard a lot about the Mothman until the movie came out.

You didn't know about it.

It killed so many people.

I knew about it because I'm from Appalachia, but I understand your point.

It's well made, well taken.

I think a little too sweet of a reaction, but all all right true

early this morning came news of a suspicious presence of tracks in the snow at groveville william uh mckam oil employed at the trenton offices of the united revolving door company so they got the united revolving door company what the united revolving door guy i just

I just want to point out that you guys had a bigger reaction to the United Revolving Door Company than the winged devil.

Yeah.

Because this sounds way more made up, dude.

That's how fucked up America is right now.

A company that makes one thing and it's in the title.

That's not a company.

Companies are now called, like, you know, dark face or whatever.

And what they do is buy up all the houses so they can't afford to live in them anymore.

United Revolving Door.

This is a Dick Tracy episode.

Oh, my God.

You're talking about Big Door?

Big Door's in on this?

The Monopoly?

Now I know who's behind this flying dog.

A United Revolving Door Company.

What do you guys do?

We make the...

The door goes around.

We make concrete.

Interesting.

So William...

uh had his attention called to the strange weird prince and upon investigation declared that the flying hoof had surely arrived.

Okay, so let's hear a little more evidence.

Not a cloven hoof.

Quote, I recognized the tracks from those reproduced in the papers.

So he's like a science guy.

Is he?

Yes.

He's seen the tracks in the newspapers.

So he is.

So the guy who works for the door company is our hoof expert.

Yep.

That's right.

And where he gets his facts from are from the paper.

I don't mind that part.

I do when it comes to winged dogs.

No, permission denied.

Don't even ask

and the guests hostile.

No, what Drew's on your side, first of all, and no to me.

Jesus Christ.

By the way, everyone listening, this is why I said I was going to be hostile because they were already acting like this.

That was my motivation.

I was like, all right, I'm just going to attack you both because you keep acting like this.

Smart.

It doesn't seem like you're for lovers, though.

And there is no mistaking

losers.

It's

for losers.

And there is no mistaking them.

They took, sorry, they look to me as if the hoof was that of a young colt, not a cloven hoof, as I've heard of it's being described.

And there are spaces for 100 feet or more between the regular steps in the snow,

suggesting beyond a doubt that the visitor flies.

Science.

Damn, you didn't leave any room for it being 100 feet long.

Nope.

Nope, didn't.

Nope.

Invisible and 100 feet long.

No, just every now and then he's got to stop.

He flies for

kind of like a duck flight.

Like a bound.

So your suggestion is that the Jersey Devil is like a snake, like a really long serpent creature.

Who are you talking to?

None of us are insinuating that.

With one hoof that drops down?

He's just asking me

why I would even bring up the idea that it was 100 feet long.

I don't know.

I think for comedic effect, but I'll do that again.

My fault.

Yeah, that's right.

But again, I think we're picturing more of like a millipede or like a caterpillar just with longer space legs.

Because if it was a snake, you would see belly prints.

Yeah, okay.

See, I like wearing a dog.

No, yeah,

much like, yes, exactly.

By the way,

the absolute worst dog in the world.

Absolute worst dog.

Whoever's listening to this, whoever's editing this podcast should know

that the wiener dog is the worst dog ever, Alex.

Dave, I don't even think you've seen his license plate.

What's that?

His license plate

is, I'm not kidding, Weens.

Weens.

Oh

my God.

I saw him one day and I was like, no, I saw him one day and I was like, check out that idiot.

And he was like, that's my car.

Jesus Christ.

Are you okay?

when that happens?

Yeah, he does get very mad when I say how bad of a dog the wiener dog is.

I'm going to be honest, I was going to defend wiener dogs, but now I don't want to be on that side.

No, you don't want to be on the side of Alex.

You know what?

It's like it's like it's literally how I feel about guns.

I grew up in the South.

I kind of like guns, but then I hear the pro-gun people talk, and I'm like, Well, I'm not going to let anybody know that I feel anything that those people are.

That's a bit much, isn't it?

Yeah, look at his license plate.

It's actually literally the same.

Yeah, I like wiener dogs, but not I'm not going to enable this man.

Yeah.

I won't validate this insanity.

Seen at White City, the following message on a postal explains the appearance of the hoof prints at the White City.

Dear Editor, in regard to the curious hoof prints seen in different parts of New Jersey, I thought I would let you know that there are as far up as the White City.

Charles Stupana.

It makes sense that this was happening in the White City.

Yeah, of course.

Yep.

Charles Stupanese and myself

were going over some muskrat traps.

Traps.

Dave, can you read it like

just after Silent Films ended the first talkies?

Can you do that kind of voice?

I don't know.

Me and Charles Musgrave are up in the White City and there was hoofs on the ground, 100 feet apart, big as the fucking moon.

Looking for musgrave prints, they were following it up.

A nap of teeth.

Charles Stupanese and myself were going over some muskrat traps on sunday and saw the footprints in the snow muskrat traps we met a man from the revolving door company

and followed them up he said they were having trouble retaining employees for some reason he said the whole establishment is like a in and out

and followed them up for about a mile and gave it up.

My friend saw them again Monday in the White City grounds and followed them again, but had to give it up for a bad job.

I have never saw anything like it before.

Yours respectfully, Clarence Williams.

And this is in the snow, obviously.

It's January.

We're in New Jersey.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's right.

Otherwise, you wouldn't see it.

It would just be, you know,

grass, right?

In the summertime, you don't see the Jersey double prints.

There might be a marsh in New Jersey in 1909.

I don't know, man.

I mean, New York, the city is sinking because they built it on a wetland.

And it looks like they're going to elect a socialist.

Fucking wow.

Sinking.

Sinking.

Like the cost of rent, finally.

That's disgusting.

I think we can move beyond the notion.

Well, maybe not.

How do you guys feel about it?

This many eyewitnesses, and since it's a newspaper, not a

situation of the television.

Although, I don't know, this story clearly came out weeks after people have been talking about this.

So what do you guys think?

Is everyone full of shit or is this a prank?

No,

these are dated January 20th and then this one is January 19th.

So these are all the past couple of days that people saw.

I think it's

some liars at the top and then it's really easy to get a bunch of idiots to be like, I seen it too.

I agree with that, but I'm wondering if there was ever a hoax or a weird thing that happened that started this.

Like, wasn't the Genesis something interesting?

You know, it started as someone seeing the Jersey Devil.

That's a good point.

I do like, let's go back to that opening.

Didn't it say something like, this is clearly something that has related to the New Jersey Devil, but it wasn't calling it the New Jersey Devil?

Did they already prove that the New Jersey Devil can't fly?

They are hilarious, by the way, that the devil can't fly.

Oh, anyone going east?

They're not saying it's not real.

They're just saying that.

That's how God kicked him out of heaven, dude.

Like, if he could fly, this would have taken off somewhere other than hell.

No,

he's in Jersey.

Oh, God, I miss hell.

Riverside story.

A correspondent of the Times in Riverside sends the following.

This city has joined the South Jersey towns in the What Is It stir?

Is this whole fucking thing about this fake bullshit?

Yeah, what do you mean fake bullshit?

We're trying to fucking...

Jesus Christ.

Open your fucking mind.

I am.

The end of the animal.

I'm not afraid of my podcast to talk talk about what makes you happy.

My God.

We literally would not know what to do with ourselves.

The unknown animal, believed by local residents to be a one-legged.

I told you.

I fucking told you.

Shut the fuck up.

He's got one leg.

Shut up.

What somebody's just a hopper?

One-footed bird.

A one-legged, one-footed bird has been lurking about the city the past 36 hours.

Though never seen, its tracks are found mainly about small buildings and chicken coops.

Okay, so we're narrowing down its habitat.

It's a one-legged bird that can fly.

Okay, here's my question.

People who worked for the paper in 1909, do they not know what the fuck a bird track looks like?

My son knows what a bird track looks like.

If I walk my son out in the woods and I'm like, what the hell's up with this bird track every hundred feet?

He's gonna be like, it's a bird.

It can fly.

He's not gonna be like, I don't know.

I think it might be the devil, dad.

Well, how many of those birds had hooves that your son said?

That's what I'm saying.

Who the fuck said it was a hoof?

If it is a bird, who looked at a bird track and was like, that looks like a hoof?

The people of Jersey who know.

Yep.

Seems like you're running out of argument, Dave.

Of Joseph Mann's, and next morning he found his pup dog dead.

Look,

nobody's happy a pup dog's dead.

But what does that have to do with the price of eggs?

Yeah, believing that

he was a victim of his testimony in a recent assault scandal, he reported the matter to Justice Ziegler, who detailed him.

Do you imagine reporting this to a judge?

Who sent Officer Borton to investigate?

Officer Borton.

Quote, Manns declared that the culprit.

Officer Borton shot the devil.

Jesus, you're just.

Yeah, if this would have happened in the South, we'd have got some sick songs out of it, at least.

Oh, yeah.

Manns declared the culprit wore small horseshoes on his shoes, the tracks of which he found all about the place, even on the top of the building.

Well,

I have a theory.

That's a lie.

No, this is my theory.

I trust Borton.

Borton's a good man.

He's going to make detective next year.

I stand with Borton.

I think that...

Whatever event caused this bird to lose its leg, it also lost part of its other foot so that it doesn't look like a normal bird track.

Interesting.

Very interesting theory.

I like it.

Is it?

Yep.

Later, the justice was.

He fucking was, Gareth.

Yes, he was.

Jesus Christ.

Just none of it.

You little mopey bitch.

Later, the justice was startled to find similar tracks in his backyard, and he immediately

made six plaster molds.

He made six plaster molds.

Jesus Christ.

The tracks were made in a single yet exact line resembling those of a small pony.

The plot.

I literally, I literally, I can't even track the story about the tracking of whatever this is.

The plot thickens.

No, it doesn't.

It has no plot.

It has thickened.

It is meaty and thick.

Is plaster a common thing in 1909?

I guess it's like how they made their walls.

It's just like a strange thing.

They're like, hey, the depression's coming up, but I can just waste some materials on this fucking pony bird.

Well, this was back when this is the Roaring Tens almost.

I mean, this is plaster.

Everyone had fuck you plaster at this point.

Yeah, it's true.

The plaster is not where we should be hunting.

Yeah, well,

the plaster is, it's, look, it's an issue.

But it's also tracking on top of a building.

Now we're just talking about, I mean, it really feels like what we've determined in the paper is that this could be anything.

The impressions about half an inch in the snow were about two and a half inches long and arc one and a quarter inches wide all day long crowds of persons thronged the squire's premises and visited his office to view the molds a murder could hardly produce more excitement so people are fucking

that's the standard

murder yeah man 1909 suck dude this is exciting man hey did you hear there was a murder let's get the fuck out of here i don't want to see the devil someone got killed this is almost as fun as the murder last year.

Man, how great is a murder?

Pretty good.

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it's pretty good dude i love a good murder gloucester couple see it nelson evans of that city and his wife bella have come forward to tell of seeing the strange beast at two o'clock in the morning so they saw it gareth it's been did they did they

were these fucking people doing out at two in the morning that's not decent well

mr evans is a is a paper hanger and living on mercer street in the domain of the duke of gloucester he is in a

church.

He's a church member.

Literally, what is happening with everything?

Church members.

So is his wife.

They go to church garrisons.

Yeah, the Duke of Gloucester's a paper hanger.

Neither of them.

The paper hanger lives in the quarters of the Duke of Gloucester.

Oh, correct.

Which I got to be honest.

I thought 1909, we were done with that shit.

I thought that was kind of like the whole point of us, but maybe I'm.

No.

Neither of them ever

even tasted Applejack.

Miss Evans tells her strange words.

I'm Apple's words.

The wrestler?

I think he's saying

Applejack.

I think he's saying that they're on the straight and narrow.

They're not fucking Applejacking around.

He's saying they're not drunk.

Is that what you're getting?

I think so.

These two have never tasted Applejack.

Never even had a sniff of it.

I like that you made Applejack a guy because it would be great if he popped up and argued.

That's not true, ma'am.

You tasted me last year.

It was in the summer.

I was having an affair with Applejack.

I'm begging a lot of the wives.

Okay, Mrs.

Evans telling of her strange experience.

There was a strange noise in the yard.

It sounded like a clatter of pots on a stove, as if somebody was throwing it.

Nobody got their story straight.

I poked my elbow into Mr.

Evans' side and whispered to him, Nels, get up quick.

Something is wrong in the yard.

My husband got out of bed and saw something on the shed roof.

He called me and I went to the window, something about two feet high and running around out there on two feet.

The devil's tiny.

At first I was scared and stepped back from the window, but I looked out again and got a good view of it.

It made no noise at all until it began flapping its wings and then it sounded seize,

seize,

seize,

just like this muffled sound a woodsaw makes when it strikes a rotten place.

While I was looking, the animal rose on its wings and flew away.

It wasn't a pony, for it walked on two legs.

I saw something like arms by its breast, but it was too dark to make out plainly.

It wasn't a kangaroo, for it had feathers.

I could see that on the side toward the light, and it had wings and a long necks.

It face was just like the face of a horse.

Oh my God.

Terrifying.

Dude, I realize you guys don't give a fuck about Mothman, but like, literally, this is how Mothman started too.

Really?

People hadn't seen shit back then, and sometimes there was a new bird.

Yeah.

Because even, even in her descriptions, you can tell they have no reference points.

It probably was a chicken.

They're like, what did it sound like?

Pots and pans?

That's because that's all that ladies ever owned.

What do you mean to say it sounded like pots and pans?

I know two sounds, my husband and pots and pans.

And it wasn't at all my husband.

Sounded like a wood saw.

I remember going into a little girl one time.

We're trying to limit her sounds.

Although she did throw kangaroo in there.

Where the fuck did that come from?

I was saying they've seen drawings of kangaroos.

Like, that's probably because people are, when, if you go to Australia, you're like, what the fuck?

Can you start drawing?

She's like, it wasn't a kangaroo.

We know, lady.

It had feathers, so it definitely wasn't a kangaroo, if that's what you're thinking.

I know what you guys are thinking.

It's definitely an Australian marsupial in the middle of the New Jersey winter.

But

it wasn't.

That's probably where it put all of its pots and pans in its little pouch.

Yep.

And I had an idea.

He should join the Revolving Door Company.

They could expand.

Pouches, pots, pans, and doors.

I seen him on the roof, and he sounded like a bunch of pots and pans on his hind legs, and he he was about two feet tall.

I think it was a bus boy.

Cross River 2.

Hoof prints found in Philadelphia were inspected yesterday's lives.

There's a whole goddamn paper just about this fucking bullshit.

By person who examined the tracks in Woodbury, Gloucester, and Westville.

So now someone's looking at all the Gloucester.

Gloucester.

They said that unquestionably the marks were made by the creature that on the east side of the Delaware is called the Jersey Devil.

Ooh,

plot thickens.

Mr.

Sorry, Dr.

J.F.

Zendel, no, he's a mr.

osteopathist living at

whatever 25.

Osteopath is about to weigh in on the prince.

That's right.

As a doctor, this is definitely a devil.

Declared yesterday that he had found the trail in his backyard on the top of his shed and roof of his house.

Oh, so it's a real shed hopper.

It's flapping and flying around.

Flapping and flopping and flying around, two feet tall on its hind legs, shed hopping.

Sounding like pots and pans.

W.H.

Kentrell, also in Philadelphia, led some reporters to his backyard, and there are hoof prints on the south side of the house and running.

This is a 100% prank.

As if the visitor flew a little way and then began to walk again.

Now, quote, now,

now I have to talk about this.

All the fellows at the office will be laughing at me, but the tracks are there, sure enough.

I wager, too, that the thing that made the trail walked on two legs.

I noticed the hoof prints on Monday and wondered at it then.

Fascinating.

It's fascinating.

Stop talking.

Mr.

Cantrell's backyard has a high fence around it, and the gate.

at the alley is always locked.

Explain that, Reynolds.

There's just a whole bunch of bullshit.

Someone got into the gate.

That's your scientific.

That was dynamite, Gareth, just shitting on all of our theories all day long, and that's what you came up with.

Bunch of bullshit.

It was a revolving door.

It's a revolving gate.

That's pretty good.

It's a revolving gate.

Burlington.

Really scared.

From Burlington comes a dispatch to the effect that the devil's footprints mystery has become a very real terror to that vicinity.

The devil's footprints mystery.

I like how the paper just is getting more and more like, and by the way, these things we were speculating, now facts.

And this is in the same paper.

It's not like four weeks later that they're like, now we're a little more nervous.

And later in the paper, they're like, we're now convinced after reading the top of it.

I hope someone commits a murder soon so we can stop hearing about this.

I have a bad feeling this is it.

I have a bad feeling this whole evening edition is just this and ads.

Has become a very real terror to that vicinity with the discovery that practically no part of the city and surrounding countryside has been immune to visits of the uncanny creature of creatures, which have been stirring all over South Jersey.

Old men who remember the days when the Leeds devils scared lonely communities of the county believe this terror has returned.

It took a long time off, but the devil's back.

This is a common thing.

People were so bored.

Man, I'm glad we got smartphones.

While black settlements of the area

said the marks of those of what they term flying death.

Interesting.

So

the people who are not white have

also a description of that.

They even agree.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do like the twist.

They're like, that's just death, honey.

Like, that's all that is.

We don't have to compare it to a dog or a kangaroo.

Dead is few.

But I also think that they probably were like, you know what?

If white people are seeing a devil, we've been seeing it for a while too.

Let's just agree with them.

They were like, you know, we've seen a terrible devil.

He's got no moral moral compass and will do anything to punish.

And they were like, yep, right.

We saw that.

We saw that.

Up in White City.

Why are you telling us about the devil?

Yeah.

Up in White City.

Death.

You talking about death?

Did yours look like a kangaroo, but without feathers?

Sure.

Whatever you want me to say.

Whatever gets you out of here fastest.

Yeah.

Undoubtedly, the beast bird that made the tracks were numerous as they vary in different spots from the size of the horse's hoof

to but two inches in diameter.

Even the largest, however, lead through fence holes less than two feet high.

Wow.

I love how it has to go through the fence.

The devil is like, I can almost fit through here.

We learned a lot.

Did we?

Yep.

We did.

We learned a lot.

I feel very scholarly.

I mean, basically, you just took a science course.

Yeah.

Gareth, I need you to believe in science more.

I am feeling relief that we might be done with this part of the dumbest paper we've so far had.

I listened to a couple episodes, and you say that every episode.

I don't think you do.

That's a theme.

You're like, this paper's stupid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you just hear what we just said, man.

They don't know shit.

No, I know.

And that's stupid to me.

Yeah, they're out there bloodletting to get over the blues.

Also stupid.

Get over the blues.

I agree.

It is more interesting, though, than like, you know, whatever's going on in my town right now.

I bet if I brought in my town's newspaper right now, you, Gareth, would be like, our papers from back in the day are better.

I agree.

It's not that they're not entertaining, but they are insanely stupid.

Yeah, those go hand in hand a lot in this country.

It's good to know that that might be our culture going back to at least 1909.

Stupid people being verbose.

is I was thinking about how I know I'm biased.

I do wish this was in a southern town just so our voices could have been.

I would have loved to gone with the wind.

I did do a southern voice earlier.

It's a well, yeah, it was stupid in your prejudice.

So that's what you did.

That's right.

You're like, a dumbass?

Doesn't make it feel like Drew.

Oh, okay.

It's Drew's people.

Yeah.

In New Jersey in 1909.

You guys know how famously there were so many southerners in New Jersey in 1909 walked around talking to newspaper reporters?

This map was weird back then.

Stop.

New Jersey was basically South.

Yeah.

And then Mason Pictures weighed in on the controversy.

Oh, the guy they named it after.

Have you guys considered not being dipshits?

Yes.

Jesus.

Who thought Dave was going to come to my rescue, Drew?

It would be a lot.

But he was afraid I was going to take away his dumbass, you know, and his brain.

People really hang on to that, whoever it is.

It would be a little irritating, right, to live in a place in the country where everyone's just like, this is the voice for dummies.

Even

the Simpsons has that character where they're like, also, there's a suffering.

Everyone has that character.

I have that.

Everyone does.

That's what's funny about Corey roaming around the forest near his house, being like, Let me tell y'all why the Republicans have fully shit the bet of game.

And you're just like, easy, Corey.

It's easy now, boy.

You don't want to be forest liberaling.

Maybe it was just Corey jumping around the woods in New Jersey.

Drunk.

Yeah.

After doing four podcasts, it looked like a kangaroo.

Yeah, he's just like, I raised $4,000 for homeless people last night.

I don't even remember doing it.

I think it was the kangaroo because he kept pulling stuff out of his stomach area and drinking it.

You see the fucking sandwich under his shirt.

Corey is a kangaroo.

The southern kangaroo.

Secret marriage of none revealed.

Ooh.

I'm in.

I'm so in.

That's hot.

Pope Pius will be asked by Archbishop Miller to grant a special dispensation for Sister Adelia of the St.

Francis Hospital Corps, who...

In the disguise of a cook's garb, eloped last August with Jacob Walter, who was her patient.

Oh, wow.

Her patient?

Yeah.

That man knocked out like four fantasies in one night, dude.

He did, didn't he?

He did.

He had a one-woman orgy.

Tonight, you're a nurse.

Oh, shit.

Now you're a nun.

Oh, God.

The pub's watching us.

That one-legged bird flies by.

The devil's here, too.

Oh, my God.

Mind if I join?

That's a lot of feathers.

Curious if it lists his ailment in this story.

Oh, the elopement.

What was wrong with my boy?

The elopement has just leaked out early in the summer.

Walter was taken ill and sent to the St.

Francis Hospital.

So that's it.

He's just taken ill.

But that's what happened back then.

You got taken ill.

Yeah.

Took everything.

Yeah.

Their sister Odilia attended him.

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah.

Damn.

He fell in love with his nurse and his love was returned.

Walter left his bed one night.

It's got to be great.

Like, it's going to be crazy when you're like, I think the nun is giving vibes.

Yeah.

Like, you'd have to be like, no way.

Dude, this dude's game is immaculate.

It's really amazing to be able to like nun pull.

Nun nurse pull.

Nun nurse pull is shocking.

This is against many of her rules.

You've got to, like, she has to be making the first move.

You can't.

Yeah.

She's into it.

She's into breaking multiple.

She's eating Chick-fil-A chicken in a gay Virginia hat.

Yes.

She gets it.

She's off limits.

Do you think she gave a handy?

Yeah, I think there had to be something.

Yeah.

She kissed his neck, and then they had to get married because of the law.

Yeah, she was like, I've betrayed the Lord.

We're legally married now.

Walter left his bed one morning, and Sister Adalia did not go to early mass in the chapel.

Instead, she went into the kitchen and exchanged her uniform for the street clothes of one of the cooks and she and Walter were married by a justice of the peace

buddy she did what she went into the kitchen and was just like put on my nun outfit yeah she just put a chef's hat on and she was like now I can escape they chefs are allowed to leave are nuns not allowed that's a much funnier visual thank you for that but it definitely said traded which means she just got a cook to give her the cookie excuse me would you like to be a nun for the day and I'll be a cook?

Okay.

Hell yeah, dude.

See, now I'm making the dumbass southern, but this guy's fun, so I like it.

He's got a cigarette hanging out on one lip.

And this fucking nurse came in here, just got undressed, dude.

She was butt-ass naked.

She's like, give me your clothes.

I got to go marry this guy.

I was like, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

God wants me to do it.

Pope Pius doesn't notice.

Sister, can we bother you to come into the chapel for a minute?

You got a full beard.

I reckon I probably could figure it out.

Come here.

All right.

All the guys.

nuns gather round.

I ain't giving those sick dudes hand jobs like that last broad did.

Easy now, sister.

That's not how a lady talks.

All the nuns gather round.

We've gotten some word that some of the patients are hitting on some of you.

Please, no dipping in the chapel.

So.

Well, hell man, you're the one called a meeting this time of day.

What the fuck am I supposed to do, Pope?

Language, sister.

Good lord.

Well, also, pies.

Where's the pies at, dude?

What the fuck are we doing in here?

It's much to learn, sister.

With a beard and a cigarette.

Well, what I want to get back to is

she did this.

I was giving my boy a lot of credit, and he clearly had some game and or was gorgeous.

But if she ran into the kitchen and that quickly got some of the...

She's the one

pulling the gears.

You see what I'm saying?

There's got to be tons of nuns who go in when they're super young and they're like, you know what?

I would like to fuck.

yeah well it's also i not to make the

the man was probably like get married uh do you want to hang out a little she was like it's the only way

we just made out a little bit that's a morphine

and she's like finally my true calling you like

gay

I don't know.

I think growing up in the part of the south that I did, I kind of understand what happens with kids at 19 and they've been waiting to fuck, but God won't let them in their brain.

I think as soon as she was like, he was like, yeah, I'll wear a wedding ring, a hat.

I'll wear your clothes.

I'll do whatever you want.

We can get tattoos as long as you let me bust, sister.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then getting married.

That was like.

That was in the card he wrote her.

As long as you let me bust, sister.

As long as you let me.

I didn't know Hallmark made one of these.

As long as you let me bust.

I mean, I would also like the Justice of the Peace was was like, and you,

standard cook, take this man to be your, take this patient, take this man in his

OR scrubs.

He's coughing.

Yeah, he's just got a hospital.

Has he still got TV?

You get the rope split in the back.

Yeah.

This is a strange ceremony, obviously.

After the excitement of the wedding had somewhat subdued, the pair began to think their separation from the church.

they began to think of their separation from the church they appealed to father schmidt of saint a bonn I can't read that and it was through his intervention that Archbishop Miller has appealed to the Pope to give his consent to a church wedding oh they just want the pope oh they want to make the wedding oh they want to make

yeah yeah they're like I still want to be Catholic I just didn't want to be a nun that feels fair it is interesting this is news

Well, a rogue nun

that feels, I guess, in small town.

Like a movie.

Again, evening news, too.

This is the problem in the evening news.

It's like a film you'd see on TV.

I guess it's just embarrassing for them, I feel like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or maybe they did it themselves.

Maybe this is part of the ploy to get back in the church.

Maybe they got a PR guy, you know, in their team.

I like that the cook still hanging out as a nun this whole time.

Yeah.

You know, these wafers could be a little tastier.

Quiet, sister.

What do you know about flavored profiles?

That's not a wafer.

That's an opium pill.

That's for the patients.

God damn, man.

He starts getting feelings for one of the patients.

Sister,

we found the actual sister.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, she's come forward and said she's a lot of people.

She took the cook's

clothes and went off and got married.

You mean that lady cook that's always lying on me?

You mean that fibbin lady cook?

Who are you going to believe?

Her, you're hot as none.

Her, actually, yeah.

Oh.

But we need you to stay on.

You're the only one who can lift fat George.

But you've been so helpful in the crucifix cleaning.

Judge, she's a fabricator, said prisoner to the court.

Judge, she's a fabricator, said Henry Martin to Justice Harris in the Central Police Court this morning, luring his wife's charges of

luring, that can't be the right word.

Oh, during his wife's charges of non-support.

Martin...

I already know who I believe.

Yeah.

Martin, who was arrested by patrolman Saul in the 2nd District Tuesday, denied every charge made against him.

His wife claimed that he had not given her a penny towards support of their eight-year-old boy for four months and that he had not even been home in that time.

Well, yeah, he's

awesome.

Yeah, he's not there.

See, this is what you're trying to avoid, Drew, but just go live.

Just go live.

Just go live.

Yep.

It's funny.

I don't think I can beat the charges.

I mean, I do have a criminal law background, actually.

I used to be an attorney.

I think I'd do better than judge she's a fabricator, you know?

I'd at least like come in with some fake receipts.

Like, look at this Venmo picture, Judge.

I feel like I've Venmo'd this bitch.

Look, it says it right there.

Four formulas.

I feel like you shouldn't say,

I feel like I've Venmo'd this bitch.

Yeah, I know.

That was kind of

Dave.

I feel like the judge wouldn't like that.

I think you should leave it to me.

You know, when I was with the law school,

Dave, he's a fucking ex-lawyer.

Leave it to me.

Yeah, but I'm starting to get why he's an ex-lawyer as opposed to still a lawyer.

Does that make sense?

Wait a minute.

This isn't Dave.

This is just a cook in a Dave outfit.

I knew it.

His wife claimed he had not given her a penny towards the support of their eight-year-old boy for four months.

That's allowed back then.

And not even at home.

She further stated that when he was living with her,

why is he still living at home?

Why does he go with a revolving door company?

Get to the mine.

Get to the revolving door front lines.

When he was living with her, he pawned everything in the house from her shoes to the silver knives and forks in the drawer.

Well, to buy alcohol.

I'm going to go out on a limb here.

Is this guy drunk?

To buy alcohol.

That's correct.

Honey, where are the knives?

We don't need those.

We're drinking it.

I'm as baffled as you are.

You can't cut whiskey.

Are you telling me someone got rid of your shoes and your forks?

That's crazy.

And we're not going to leave here until we find out which son of a fucking bitch did it.

The woman said that the trouble.

I didn't make no knives or forks.

I mean,

just go into the bar.

That'll be 275.

How many forks is that?

Let me call my manager.

Here, take four forks and a fifth.

I'm going to be here for a little while.

Are these your boys' forks?

Last time you came in in here and you gave me

no these are grown fork these are grown man forks okay here's a couple knives and forks and then these are my these are my heels these are these are my heels too if i could just have a little bit more whiskey inside of that glass

the woman said that the trouble started in the west where they went to live about three years ago and after standing the abuse as long as she could

She

came to the city and secured a position.

And later they were reunited and lived together for about eight months.

Yeah, so why wouldn't you take him back after

within eight months he's selling he's hawking your forks?

Martin claimed that after the reunion he worked in the Willetts pottery drawing from that firm for the eight months about $700 of which he gave his wife the greater share.

He showed the court a book with entries of his earnings during his employment in the pottery and also said that his wife had bought a lot at Hart and Morris Avenue with this money.

Okay, so she brought a Venmo receipt, like I fucking said, Dave.

He does.

He has a fucking receipt.

Now, that's.

Do you want to say you're sorry to Drew, Dave?

No.

Dave, what is that?

Is that a winged bird?

Is that a hoofed bird?

I have some Jersey Devils in the house.

Whoa.

Miss Martin admitted that she owned the lot,

but said that her money had bought it.

Okay.

So she owns property.

The woman told the court.

She's doing well, and this guy's just a piece of shit.

The woman told the court that she owned four lots in Wilbur that were in her own name and not a penny in her husband's money had helped pay for them.

He was definitely at the bar trying to trade a lot, though, for like gin.

I don't know.

I'm turning a corner here.

She's got four lots?

She's coming at my man for even more.

How'd she get four lots if he didn't give her any money?

In 1909?

Yeah, this is.

You see, right now, anyone listening, this is what toxic masculinity is talking about.

Overseer of the poor Dearden was the complainant, Miss Martin, having gone before him asking that she have help either from her husband or from the city.

And Martin was remanded further

until further evidence can be secured.

Another woman holding a good good man down.

That's right.

He seems like a fine man.

I really wish I'd, when I started dating my girlfriend, I'd just started stealing her forks.

Is it too late?

What's the cutoff?

Am I okay to just...

It's never too late to start stealing forks.

Just a pinch or not or cutlery.

As your attorney, I recommend you steal forks tonight.

It just would be so great to just like imagine being in a relationship and starting to be like, yeah, there's more forks missing, but

we're both baffled.

And when she takes you to fork court, this won't be admissible because this is protected by our attorney-client privilege.

Fork Court is

please, please show me fork court.

Bam out, bounce.

Now entering the fork court.

Bow now, bounce, bounce.

Jack is still in bed.

Jack Maureen is still drinking and still visiting the police stations.

This time, he is taking his meals at the second district.

He was arrested this morning on Broad Street by Patrolman Maguire for being drunk and disorderly.

He will be given a hearing tonight before Judge Roos.

Stop feeding him.

Jack's still at it.

Yep.

I think the food is good.

I think if you're just showing up to...

I mean, I think at some point it's like his jack in the box.

Like, he would just get hammered and be be like,

that's where he actually came from.

He kept going into the box, and that's how.

Blame mice for this fire.

Mice gnawing on matches are supposed to have started the fire which occurred in the cigar store.

Who is the arson guy?

Well, I believe.

He's also the devil bird guy.

Yeah, honestly.

Well, I could tell you one thing.

I'm the guy who's been tracking the devil, the hoof devil bird.

This is 100% mouse fire.

Listen, I may have done a bad bit earlier being an attorney on Venmo, but my limited time in the criminal defense world,

figure out who got the insurance on this case.

Mouse arson?

I mean,

that's wildly, wildly beautiful for someone to do it.

Tough to prove.

Tough to prove.

If the whole world believed mice can chew on matches and start a fire,

I would own nothing but ashes right now and a big pile of fucking money.

The technical name for it is Marson.

Okay, that's not.

No.

Oh,

man.

This goddamn kangaroo hopped in here with a bunch of matches in his pouch.

I mean,

literally every animal they saw was like, potential criminal.

That bird was the devil.

That bird's the devil.

These mice are lighting house fires.

I'm paying my lawyer and forks.

And the nuns, the nuns are fucking giving hand jobs.

The nuns are cooks, and the cooks are jacking off.

I don't know what's happening.

Mice gnawing on matches is supposed to have started the fire, which occurred in the cigar store of Thomas Terrell.

It's a cigar store.

So?

So they let the cigar burn in.

Yes, I agree.

It was the same guy.

The same drunk.

Do the character, Gareth.

He's hammered.

He started the fight.

No, you guys are showing up here with a head full of ideas, but let me just put some of them out of your mind right away.

This is 100%

a mouse issue.

And you look around here thinking,

was I in here smoking cigars?

Drunk?

No.

I don't even was I smoking a little bit but then let me tell you where this plot got a little bit thicker all of a sudden when a mice came in here and they decided they do it.

They put on their teeth just to make sure she gets like their teeth and babies.

And they buy the matchbooks.

Next thing you know, bing, bang, sulfur, boom.

That's what did it.

I'm lucky to be alive.

I think they did it on purpose because we said you can't smoke in here.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I started kind of putting up that sign that says no mouse smoking.

That burned down, but it was up there.

You better believe me with that.

I seen it and I can read to third grade.

Hey, you guys didn't see nothing.

Here you go.

Fork for everybody.

Everybody gets a fork.

You guys didn't see nothing.

The fire marshal's like, I was going to arrest him, but he paid me off in a fork because made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

Pretty good.

Yeah, the cops are just searching his place.

They lift up the mattress and it's just all forks.

Jesus Christ.

He's got an Scottish.

He's got an empire.

He's got to get an empire.

Passersby noticed the flames and turned in an alarm, which was responded to by Chief Allen with engines two and three in Truck One.

The flames were quickly extinguished.

The damage amounted to about $200.

Yeah, I did it.

I did it, and I do it again.

Is that mice talking?

That's right, I do it again.

I did it again.

That motherfucker told me I can't have a cigar.

I'm a cool ass motherfucker mouse.

Fuck that.

It just rips off the mouse costume, and it's a nun.

Good luck.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm quite lost.

I don't know.

$200 was that back then.

It can't be that much.

$10,000?

Yeah, it'd say maybe even less.

I don't know.

Not worth it.

Trenton men make a ton tub for Taft.

A ton tub for Taft.

The JL

Yep.

The JL Mott Company just completed a mammoth bathtub for President-elect William H.

Taft.

Mr.

Taft will use it during his voyage on the battleship North Carolina from Charleston to Cologne and return.

The bathtub is now on exhibition at the main offices of the Mott Company in New York and is seven feet, one inch long, 41 inches wide, and weighs a ton.

It will hold four men and is large.

One Taft.

And is the largest ever manufactured, the Mott Company says.

He was 340 pounds, which is big, but so

not big.

It's not that big.

No, this is just like the $200.

I think it's pretty big in 09.

Yeah, what is that in today's weight, Dave?

Yeah, I think the tub was smaller than.

It's the size of a mouse.

I mean, to be so big that they make a special tub for you is obviously embarrassing.

This is boy math.

You've heard of the girl math or whatever, like all that that the kids are talking about.

This is boy math.

Yeah.

Yeah, so fucking how many tubs we got to get this lard ass

just so the president could just be like, that's nice.

That feels good.

You know, my asshole hasn't been underwater in a decade.

That's so nice.

He's going to Cologne.

Is that where he was going?

Yeah.

So he wanted to smell good.

Yeah.

The bathtub is one half as large, again, as the ordinary bathtub of the most ample proportions.

The ordinary bathtub weighs only 400 pounds.

The bathtub is to be fitted especially for Mr.

Taft's comfort.

And if he should take a fancy to its pond-like dimensions,

wow.

I mean, a fucking pond.

This is the first hot tub.

My man had a hot tub.

Yeah, he did, yeah.

On a boat to Cologne.

Yeah.

Imagine being a dude who got a hot tub made for your boat to go to Cologne.

And then you find out later you weren't even the best William H in American history.

You were were a solid.

No, what you did was incredible.

We got a guy who beat you, though, dude.

He played it drunk in a way that we've never seen before.

I was on my forks.

Shameless.

There is no reason why it should not be transferred from

North Carolina into the White House with other personal baggage of Mr.

Taft.

Manufactured.

This company's from North Carolina, and this made the New Jersey paper.

That's right.

This is basically.

I definitely thought this was like local boys made good.

Like, can you believe they asked our tub makers to get this fat ass's own boat tub?

But it's just like, this is the news.

Interesting.

I'm not complaining.

It's just like, that surprised me.

It's national news, yeah.

That's big.

Manufacturers do not make tap-sized bathtubs for the trade, and how to get one that should be of adequate proportions and luxurious white enamel was something of a problem.

From Norfolk, an order for a bathtub, Taff size, came to New York with instructions to find one.

The tub has been found, and it will be ready on the warship for Mr.

Taft, thanks to Trenton Labor.

Dude liked baths.

And the story is that he got stuck in the bathtub at one point, right?

I mean, that was something that happened, so this might be right before this, or he just got fatter.

No, it's probably fake.

And then this story hit the national news, and someone ran with it and made it up.

Oh.

I don't think he actually got stuck in that.

Oh, so people were shit talking to him.

And and then so then they started doing bathtub stories on him.

Yeah, it was a bit sad for him.

Yeah, it's tough.

But again, he got his bath.

I mean, if they're building a specific bathtub, that might be that's when you're like, you know what, I'm going to walk a little bit more when my tub is making the news.

I guess also, and maybe this is ignorant of me, and I apologize if it is, folks listening.

I think weighing 340 back then, that takes some effort.

Yeah, probably.

Well, Drew is about to say, you know,

well, no, it's a time when you're,

I mean, he could have just been a naturally giant dude.

I think you're allowed to do that.

There's not a lot of people that weigh that much back then.

It's not like a.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

He was fucking hoarding the food.

This isn't like a thyroid problem.

The motherfucker was rich and being a dick.

I'll be drowned in the bathtub.

You know what?

Fuck you, Gareth.

Took a lot of turns.

Well, you said you came in here to throw some haymakers, Drew, and you surely did.

Thank you, the great drew morgan for joining us people can go to drewmorgancomedy.com for your dates um

yeah you you came in to fight and you fought you fought well

i don't know if anyone's ever won the show but i think you won the show yeah damn that was my goal yeah better guest than corey

Hell yeah.

All right.

Later, Drew.

Fuck you, Corey.

Fuck both of you.

Dave, you're still blurry.

Thank you.

Fuck fat people in 1909, but not today.

Not today, but in 1909.

And also, fuck nuns.

Oh my god.

Christ.

All right.

This has been the pastimes.

We'll be right back with an all-new episode.