134 - The Past Times with Drew Morgan

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Speaker 41 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Speaker 41 Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 41 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Drew Morgan.

Speaker 43 Thank you for joining us, Drew.

Speaker 42 Thank you for having me. Hello, fellas.

Speaker 43 We're very, you're now you like you said before, we've completed the trifecta. We've had Trey, we've had Corey, who's just a Tasmanian devil to work with.
It must be tough for you.

Speaker 42 He's a problem.

Speaker 42 And now we have you.

Speaker 42 Yeah, he makes it easier and harder. Yeah, he've had all of the well-read guys now at this point.

Speaker 42 Corey is definitely, you know, podcasting or live or improv type stuff. That's definitely his four.

Speaker 43 He's the loosest cannon.

Speaker 42 He is the loosest cannon, the biggest cannon. Yeah.

Speaker 42 The biggest cannons.

Speaker 44 Trey's more the guy yelling in a truck guy.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah. Well, they're very good at the internet, and I'm more of a dish best served live.
And, you know, I've known that about myself for a while now.

Speaker 43 Speaking of which, if people want to see you live, they can go to DrewMorganComedy.com. You'll be in Knoxville.

Speaker 42 I'll be in Knoxville next month.

Speaker 43 Next month, and then where else are you going?

Speaker 42 I'll be in Denver in July. I have a two-year-old, and I'm sort of almost two-year-old.
I sort of promised myself to be off the road as much as possible. So I'm going to be touring next year.

Speaker 42 He's almost two, and it's great.

Speaker 43 You feel like when the child's three, you can be an absent father? Is that sort of what the?

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 42 I'm going to go out for cigarettes and come back at the end of this weekend at Chuckle Fox.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I do think that, actually. I do.
I mean, like, it's a joke, but, like, yeah, I think if you get the first three years right, right? That's what Gabor Monte says.

Speaker 42 He's the smartest man on the internet.

Speaker 43 I haven't even talked to my dad, so I don't know. Go ahead, Dave.
Your dad passed away. What were you going to say?

Speaker 44 No, your hat says Virginia is for losers.

Speaker 42 Lovers. Losers.

Speaker 44 Losers. Interesting.

Speaker 42 It's a Virginia is for lovers. It's a gay hat.
It's a rainbow right there. Gay fan gave me that.
Had it on at Chick-fil-A yesterday. Walked in kind of thinking, hmm, wonder if I get any eyes.

Speaker 42 Wonder if I get any judgments. I did from a gay couple.

Speaker 42 Only people who noticed, they were looking at me like, Ally, huh? Why are you buying this chicken? Bitch, why are you buying this chicken?

Speaker 43 Let's just not tell each other. Nobody tattle.

Speaker 42 No, I think they were looking at me like, I don't think you're gay. Where'd you get that hat?

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 43 It is interesting how Chick-fil-A did. People decided was so delicious that they were able to overcome the fact that they were basically like, no gays.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 44 I'm going to be honest, not that delicious.

Speaker 42 Well, Dave's dumb. I also want to say, on top of that,

Speaker 42 I want to say on top of that, I would argue, Gareth, who I'm only exclusively talking to you now about this topic,

Speaker 42 it got better. It was better when it was against the rules.
Interesting. You know what I mean? Little shame.

Speaker 43 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
So they didn't actually step up with recipes. It just kind of felt naughtier.

Speaker 42 Yeah, it felt naughty.

Speaker 43 It's still the same food. Well, good for you.

Speaker 44 Do you want to know the only thing I eat from there?

Speaker 42 The kale salad. The kale salad? Well, I didn't want to know.
I thought I might. I was like,

Speaker 43 Dave, why'd you you do that double down?

Speaker 42 You don't even like the fries? Do you just hate peanut oil? Is that what it is?

Speaker 44 I just, yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 44 My kid loves it, so I take him there, but I just get the kale salad. I enjoy the kale salad.
I usually order two and throw it in a bowl.

Speaker 42 Yeah, we can hear the joy in your voice when you describe how much it is.

Speaker 43 Well, it's funny because you're only a voice, and the picture you're frozen on is sort of a quizzical, like, hmm, I don't understand how things work.

Speaker 42 So I don't know why, but I can see him.

Speaker 43 It's just blurry. Like, I like Oh, see, I just have a picture.

Speaker 42 So I've got a Bigfoot blurred out. You know, I just really enjoy the kids.

Speaker 43 I think you'd like my experience. It's, I think, better.
But listen, we're not here to suck spectrums, dick, and talk about how great they are.

Speaker 43 And real quick, Drew, your other podcast. You have another podcast.

Speaker 42 I have a podcast with the hilarious and great Carmen Morales and our good buddy DJ Lewis called Gravy Baby. And the concept there, we call it

Speaker 42 good vibes for trash people.

Speaker 42 You've heard of toxic positivity. This is positive toxicity.

Speaker 42 Our goal is to talk about stuff that brings us joy, but without any eat, pray, love, bullshit. And I got to say, last few months, been a tough gig.

Speaker 42 Go of it.

Speaker 43 Not sure why.

Speaker 43 Seem fine.

Speaker 42 But the concept of the idea was like dickhead comedians getting into the space of joy. So it's not just like ephemeral looking white women who whisper.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 42 Yeah. Like the show when you're not basically we were all sad and we were like, hey, we want a podcast where we don't end up going into the abyss every week.

Speaker 42 Let's make ourselves talk about what makes us happy. And since we're all kind of curmudginy, it's been fun.

Speaker 43 You know, that's very similar to why we started the pastimes. We were like, the dollop's so depressing, but we find a way to make this one depressing as well.
It's really the skill somehow.

Speaker 43 It's a little lighter.

Speaker 43 Well, get ready to jump in the deep end, Drew. You're about to get pastimed.
So

Speaker 43 we will start by guessing what year this paper is from. I don't have any idea.

Speaker 43 I do think you'll go first, and I do think that you'll be closest in the eyes of Dave, who

Speaker 43 has some mental issues that he sort of has manifested into this part of the show.

Speaker 43 Nobody really cares for it. It's just strange and whatnot.
But why don't you go ahead and guess a year, Drew?

Speaker 42 Go ahead for it. Okay.
What a dynamite intro to the concept that was. Thank you.
Thank you, Gareth. You're welcome.

Speaker 42 No, it's great. We did this because we were sad.
It sucks. Dave's nuts.

Speaker 42 I told him before we started I was going to attack them both. I don't think they believed me.

Speaker 44 No, we did. We did.

Speaker 42 I'm going to go.

Speaker 42 I think it's a little bit. Little just left.

Speaker 42 I just froze. I held it.
i'm gonna go night i'm gonna go 19. i think it's it's a slightly more current i know you guys go far back sometimes i'm gonna go 1952.

Speaker 43 that's interesting i do like it i like that guess do you

Speaker 43 shut up i'm gonna go uh wrong

Speaker 44 1888 wrong so wrong it's 1909

Speaker 43 so

Speaker 44 so 19 so

Speaker 44 gareth loses because drew's in the 19s and that's told you how

Speaker 44 But that was the rules going in. I told you.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Congratulations, Drew.

Speaker 43 You see what I'm talking about, Drew?

Speaker 44 Today's winner.

Speaker 42 Yeah, something like a price is right thing where I went over, so I'm automatically done. No,

Speaker 43 not so crazy now, am I?

Speaker 42 Happy night to you.

Speaker 44 This is the Trenton Evening Times, Trenton, New Jersey, January 21st, 1909.

Speaker 43 So they were always doing evenings, too.

Speaker 43 There was that. because every time we go through these papers, there's not enough.
It's so boring, but they were like, it's got to be morning and evening.

Speaker 44 Yeah, it's very common to do morning and evening papers.

Speaker 43 It's interesting.

Speaker 42 All the way up until like

Speaker 44 1990 or so. Like, that was a thing.

Speaker 42 Oh, wow.

Speaker 42 So in 1909, Trenton had a morning and an evening paper? That's kind of crazy to me. Yes.

Speaker 43 It's crazy because I don't think right now Trenton would have enough news for a paper.

Speaker 44 Well, it's

Speaker 44 yeah, that's true. But remember, newspapers is all they had.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 44 At all. Like, this is like their CNN.

Speaker 43 All right. Well, why don't, at the end of this, we will decide if this evening edition was necessary or not.
And I'm going to, I'm going to go ahead and guess that it wasn't.

Speaker 44 Okay, this headline. Flying hoof.

Speaker 43 Yep, I can already kind of weigh in and say that this wasn't a necessary paper.

Speaker 44 This story is very long.

Speaker 44 Citizens tell of seeing the tracks. Trail leads right up to the houses.
And this is all the headlines and sub-headlines.

Speaker 44 Trail leads right up to the houses and then disappears as though he or she or whatever the thing is has taken flight into the realms of space.

Speaker 44 Now, what were you saying, Gareth?

Speaker 43 I mean, I didn't think we'd start off with Narnia shit.

Speaker 42 Damn, what a bang, Narnia.

Speaker 44 It's the news.

Speaker 43 Someone tracking it when the footprints go. They're just like, then it turned into an orb and went to Saturn, most likely.

Speaker 42 Can we get a date other than the year? Is this a Christmas gag?

Speaker 44 January 21st.

Speaker 44 Not a lot of people.

Speaker 44 This is the fucking news in Trenton.

Speaker 43 It's pretty good so far.

Speaker 43 What is this, a winged beast?

Speaker 44 The quote flying hoof. So that's the name of this.

Speaker 43 We're tracking Pegasus.

Speaker 44 Is on its or her or his way to Trenton.

Speaker 43 Scary. It's very much like the Santa Tracker, just now that we've got the Christmas vibe out there.

Speaker 44 There are evidences that the route selected is more or less circuitous, but the mystery Jersey Devil is surely in this neighborhood.

Speaker 43 Now I am lost.

Speaker 44 You've never heard of the Jersey Devil?

Speaker 43 I've heard of the Jersey Devils, the hockey team.

Speaker 44 Okay, but

Speaker 44 they're named after the Jersey Devil.

Speaker 42 Which is like a what, like a Mothman type deal? Yes.

Speaker 44 I mean, it's, yeah, okay, yeah. I mean, that's kind of close.

Speaker 44 Let me look it up. But

Speaker 42 what's the word for that?

Speaker 44 In South

Speaker 44 In South Jersey and Philadelphia folklore in the U.S., the Jersey Devil, also known as the Leeds Devil, is a legendary creature or cryptid said to inhabit the forests of the Pine Barras of South Jersey.

Speaker 44 He's often described as a flying biped with hooves, but there are many variations.

Speaker 44 and that's what the that's what the hockey team is named after.

Speaker 42 Well, there you go, okay, cryptid. That was the word I was looking for.
Um,

Speaker 42 okay, 1909, Jersey Devil. I feel like 1909 is too late in the game to be this superstitious on the front page of the paper.
This is this is a rag.

Speaker 43 I agree, I agree, and I also fear how soon it will be before Trump, like we're talking about it again.

Speaker 42 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 42 cryptid 30.

Speaker 42 But But now,

Speaker 42 did the CIA exist in 1909? Now we can throw that element into it. Now it would be like, well, I'll tell you what the New Jersey devil is.
It's an op. Yeah.
You know?

Speaker 42 It's Paraguay. Yeah.

Speaker 43 But cryptid is also a little too close to crypto. So

Speaker 43 to worry, there's going to be some cryptid coin. There's a lot of fears.

Speaker 42 Dude, I'd invest in Mothman coin.

Speaker 44 Yep.

Speaker 43 Hey, how's Moth? You're on Coinbase. How's Moth doing?

Speaker 43 Shit, Moth's down. Moth keeps going going down.

Speaker 42 Dude,

Speaker 42 the red eyes could light up when it's doing well.

Speaker 43 That would be enough for me.

Speaker 42 I'm already in. Fuck Doge.

Speaker 44 In fact, the footprints of the wonderful Air Hoss, Leeds, Satan, and Winged Dog, as it has been variously described by different persons.

Speaker 43 First article in the paper, Winged Dog.

Speaker 42 Or Satan. Is it?

Speaker 42 If you saw a winged dog or Satan, it would be top journalism.

Speaker 43 I mean, if you saw it, it feels like this.

Speaker 42 Okay, but I'm just saying, if somebody's like, there's a winged dog, you'd be like, yeah, or Satan. Yeah.

Speaker 42 I'm not knocking on that one.

Speaker 43 If real, include for sure.

Speaker 44 It's been described by different persons claiming to have actually seen the species. are already discoverable at the White City Park.

Speaker 44 And last evening, it's tracks in the rear yard of the home of Harry Clymer in Yardville.

Speaker 43 Fake name.

Speaker 42 They were in a yard in Yardville. Yeah.
The whole thing's fake. Yeah.
This didn't help.

Speaker 44 I can't believe you guys.

Speaker 42 I think Dave wrote this, and I agree. He got tired at the end.
He was like, fucking Yardville, I guess.

Speaker 43 Well, Harry Clymer is also another name for Sasquatch.

Speaker 44 Thank you. That's a good point.

Speaker 44 Everything's coming together. Now you guys see.

Speaker 44 So while the hoof seems only to be.

Speaker 43 I'm trying to teach you guys.

Speaker 44 Okay. So while the hoof seems only to be flirting with us now, the residents are a little bit.

Speaker 43 I love a hoof flirt. When a girl puts her hoof in your crotch.

Speaker 42 I love a hoof flirt.

Speaker 44 The residents in the neighborhood of the state hospital and Cadwallader Park are momentarily expecting its appearance.

Speaker 42 So people are watching. So they're waiting.

Speaker 44 They're waiting. They're out watching, waiting for the Jersey Devil.

Speaker 43 You can find the winged dog and the devil aren't going to, they don't love crowds.

Speaker 42 You don't know. Maybe they didn't know that in 1909.
Maybe they hadn't learned how private Bigfoot was.

Speaker 43 He's so private.

Speaker 44 Maybe this turns into

Speaker 44 the Jersey Devil attacking a crowd and killing

Speaker 43 many. I feel like we would have heard about it, though.

Speaker 42 That's the world's first hockey riot. Yeah.

Speaker 44 It's not like you heard a lot about the Mothman until the movie came out. You didn't know about it.
It killed so many people.

Speaker 42 I knew about it because I'm from Appalachia, but I understand your point. It's well made, well taken.

Speaker 43 I think a little too sweet of a reaction, but all all right true

Speaker 44 early this morning came news of a suspicious presence of tracks in the snow at groveville william uh mckam oil employed at the trenton offices of the united revolving door company so they got the united revolving door company what the united revolving door guy i just

Speaker 44 I just want to point out that you guys had a bigger reaction to the United Revolving Door Company than the winged devil.

Speaker 42 Yeah. Because this sounds way more made up, dude.
That's how fucked up America is right now. A company that makes one thing and it's in the title.

Speaker 42 That's not a company.

Speaker 42 Companies are now called, like, you know, dark face or whatever. And what they do is buy up all the houses so they can't afford to live in them anymore.
United Revolving Door.

Speaker 42 This is a Dick Tracy episode.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God.

Speaker 43 You're talking about Big Door?

Speaker 42 Big Door's in on this?

Speaker 43 The Monopoly?

Speaker 42 Now I know who's behind this flying dog.

Speaker 43 A United Revolving Door Company. What do you guys do?

Speaker 44 We make the...

Speaker 44 The door goes around. We make concrete.

Speaker 42 Interesting.

Speaker 44 So William... uh had his attention called to the strange weird prince and upon investigation declared that the flying hoof had surely arrived.

Speaker 42 Okay, so let's hear a little more evidence.

Speaker 44 Not a cloven hoof. Quote, I recognized the tracks from those reproduced in the papers.
So he's like a science guy.

Speaker 43 Is he?

Speaker 44 Yes. He's seen the tracks in the newspapers.
So he is.

Speaker 42 So the guy who works for the door company is our hoof expert. Yep.
That's right.

Speaker 43 And where he gets his facts from are from the paper.

Speaker 42 I don't mind that part.

Speaker 43 I do when it comes to winged dogs. No, permission denied.
Don't even ask

Speaker 44 and the guests hostile.

Speaker 43 No, what Drew's on your side, first of all, and no to me.

Speaker 43 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 42 By the way, everyone listening, this is why I said I was going to be hostile because they were already acting like this.

Speaker 42 That was my motivation. I was like, all right, I'm just going to attack you both because you keep acting like this.

Speaker 43 Smart. It doesn't seem like you're for lovers, though.

Speaker 42 And there is no mistaking

Speaker 44 losers. It's

Speaker 44 for losers. And there is no mistaking them.
They took, sorry, they look to me as if the hoof was that of a young colt, not a cloven hoof, as I've heard of it's being described.

Speaker 44 And there are spaces for 100 feet or more between the regular steps in the snow,

Speaker 44 suggesting beyond a doubt that the visitor flies.

Speaker 42 Science.

Speaker 42 Damn, you didn't leave any room for it being 100 feet long. Nope.

Speaker 43 Nope, didn't. Nope.
Invisible and 100 feet long. No, just every now and then he's got to stop.
He flies for

Speaker 42 kind of like a duck flight. Like a bound.

Speaker 44 So your suggestion is that the Jersey Devil is like a snake, like a really long serpent creature.

Speaker 43 Who are you talking to?

Speaker 44 None of us are insinuating that.

Speaker 42 With one hoof that drops down? He's just asking me

Speaker 42 why I would even bring up the idea that it was 100 feet long. I don't know.
I think for comedic effect, but I'll do that again. My fault.
Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 43 But again, I think we're picturing more of like a millipede or like a caterpillar just with longer space legs. Because if it was a snake, you would see belly prints.

Speaker 42 Yeah, okay. See, I like wearing a dog.

Speaker 42 No, yeah,

Speaker 43 much like, yes, exactly.

Speaker 42 By the way,

Speaker 44 the absolute worst dog in the world.

Speaker 44 Absolute worst dog.

Speaker 44 Whoever's listening to this, whoever's editing this podcast should know

Speaker 44 that the wiener dog is the worst dog ever, Alex.

Speaker 43 Dave, I don't even think you've seen his license plate.

Speaker 42 What's that? His license plate

Speaker 43 is, I'm not kidding, Weens.

Speaker 42 Weens. Oh

Speaker 44 my God.

Speaker 43 I saw him one day and I was like, no, I saw him one day and I was like, check out that idiot. And he was like, that's my car.

Speaker 44 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 42 Are you okay? when that happens?

Speaker 44 Yeah, he does get very mad when I say how bad of a dog the wiener dog is.

Speaker 42 I'm going to be honest, I was going to defend wiener dogs, but now I don't want to be on that side.

Speaker 43 No, you don't want to be on the side of Alex.

Speaker 42 You know what? It's like it's like it's literally how I feel about guns.

Speaker 42 I grew up in the South. I kind of like guns, but then I hear the pro-gun people talk, and I'm like, Well, I'm not going to let anybody know that I feel anything that those people are.

Speaker 43 That's a bit much, isn't it?

Speaker 42 Yeah, look at his license plate. It's actually literally the same.

Speaker 43 Yeah, I like wiener dogs, but not I'm not going to enable this man. Yeah.
I won't validate this insanity.

Speaker 44 Seen at White City, the following message on a postal explains the appearance of the hoof prints at the White City.

Speaker 44 Dear Editor, in regard to the curious hoof prints seen in different parts of New Jersey, I thought I would let you know that there are as far up as the White City.

Speaker 42 Charles Stupana. It makes sense that this was happening in the White City.

Speaker 43 Yeah, of course. Yep.

Speaker 44 Charles Stupanese and myself

Speaker 44 were going over some muskrat traps.

Speaker 42 Traps.

Speaker 42 Dave, can you read it like

Speaker 42 just after Silent Films ended the first talkies? Can you do that kind of voice? I don't know.

Speaker 42 Me and Charles Musgrave are up in the White City and there was hoofs on the ground, 100 feet apart, big as the fucking moon.

Speaker 43 Looking for musgrave prints, they were following it up.

Speaker 42 A nap of teeth. Charles Stupanese and myself were going over some muskrat traps on sunday and saw the footprints in the snow muskrat traps we met a man from the revolving door company

Speaker 43 and followed them up he said they were having trouble retaining employees for some reason he said the whole establishment is like a in and out

Speaker 44 and followed them up for about a mile and gave it up. My friend saw them again Monday in the White City grounds and followed them again, but had to give it up for a bad job.

Speaker 44 I have never saw anything like it before.

Speaker 44 Yours respectfully, Clarence Williams.

Speaker 42 And this is in the snow, obviously. It's January.
We're in New Jersey. That's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 44 That's right.

Speaker 44 Otherwise, you wouldn't see it. It would just be, you know,

Speaker 44 grass, right? In the summertime, you don't see the Jersey double prints.

Speaker 42 There might be a marsh in New Jersey in 1909. I don't know, man.
I mean, New York, the city is sinking because they built it on a wetland.

Speaker 43 And it looks like they're going to elect a socialist.

Speaker 42 Fucking wow.

Speaker 42 Sinking.

Speaker 42 Sinking. Like the cost of rent, finally.

Speaker 42 That's disgusting.

Speaker 42 I think we can move beyond the notion.

Speaker 42 Well, maybe not. How do you guys feel about it? This many eyewitnesses, and since it's a newspaper, not a

Speaker 42 situation of the television. Although, I don't know, this story clearly came out weeks after people have been talking about this.
So what do you guys think?

Speaker 42 Is everyone full of shit or is this a prank?

Speaker 44 No,

Speaker 44 these are dated January 20th and then this one is January 19th. So these are all the past couple of days that people saw.
I think it's

Speaker 43 some liars at the top and then it's really easy to get a bunch of idiots to be like, I seen it too.

Speaker 42 I agree with that, but I'm wondering if there was ever a hoax or a weird thing that happened that started this. Like, wasn't the Genesis something interesting?

Speaker 44 You know, it started as someone seeing the Jersey Devil.

Speaker 42 That's a good point. I do like, let's go back to that opening.

Speaker 42 Didn't it say something like, this is clearly something that has related to the New Jersey Devil, but it wasn't calling it the New Jersey Devil?

Speaker 42 Did they already prove that the New Jersey Devil can't fly?

Speaker 43 They are hilarious, by the way, that the devil can't fly. Oh, anyone going east?

Speaker 44 They're not saying it's not real. They're just saying that.

Speaker 42 That's how God kicked him out of heaven, dude. Like, if he could fly, this would have taken off somewhere other than hell.
No,

Speaker 43 he's in Jersey.

Speaker 42 Oh, God, I miss hell.

Speaker 44 Riverside story. A correspondent of the Times in Riverside sends the following.
This city has joined the South Jersey towns in the What Is It stir?

Speaker 43 Is this whole fucking thing about this fake bullshit?

Speaker 44 Yeah, what do you mean fake bullshit? We're trying to fucking... Jesus Christ.

Speaker 42 Open your fucking mind.

Speaker 43 I am.

Speaker 42 The end of the animal. I'm not afraid of my podcast to talk talk about what makes you happy.
My God.

Speaker 43 We literally would not know what to do with ourselves.

Speaker 44 The unknown animal, believed by local residents to be a one-legged. I told you.

Speaker 42 I fucking told you.

Speaker 43 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 42 He's got one leg.

Speaker 43 Shut up. What somebody's just a hopper?

Speaker 42 One-footed bird.

Speaker 44 A one-legged, one-footed bird has been lurking about the city the past 36 hours. Though never seen, its tracks are found mainly about small buildings and chicken coops.

Speaker 44 Okay, so we're narrowing down its habitat.

Speaker 42 It's a one-legged bird that can fly. Okay, here's my question.
People who worked for the paper in 1909, do they not know what the fuck a bird track looks like?

Speaker 42 My son knows what a bird track looks like. If I walk my son out in the woods and I'm like, what the hell's up with this bird track every hundred feet? He's gonna be like, it's a bird.
It can fly.

Speaker 42 He's not gonna be like, I don't know. I think it might be the devil, dad.

Speaker 44 Well, how many of those birds had hooves that your son said? That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 42 Who the fuck said it was a hoof? If it is a bird, who looked at a bird track and was like, that looks like a hoof?

Speaker 44 The people of Jersey who know.

Speaker 42 Yep. Seems like you're running out of argument, Dave.

Speaker 44 Of Joseph Mann's, and next morning he found his pup dog dead.

Speaker 42 Look,

Speaker 43 nobody's happy a pup dog's dead. But what does that have to do with the price of eggs?

Speaker 42 Yeah, believing that

Speaker 44 he was a victim of his testimony in a recent assault scandal, he reported the matter to Justice Ziegler, who detailed him.

Speaker 43 Do you imagine reporting this to a judge?

Speaker 44 Who sent Officer Borton to investigate?

Speaker 42 Officer Borton.

Speaker 44 Quote, Manns declared that the culprit.

Speaker 43 Officer Borton shot the devil.

Speaker 44 Jesus, you're just.

Speaker 42 Yeah, if this would have happened in the South, we'd have got some sick songs out of it, at least. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 44 Manns declared the culprit wore small horseshoes on his shoes, the tracks of which he found all about the place, even on the top of the building.

Speaker 42 Well,

Speaker 42 I have a theory.

Speaker 42 That's a lie.

Speaker 42 No, this is my theory. I trust Borton.
Borton's a good man. He's going to make detective next year.
I stand with Borton.

Speaker 42 I think that...

Speaker 42 Whatever event caused this bird to lose its leg, it also lost part of its other foot so that it doesn't look like a normal bird track.

Speaker 44 Interesting.

Speaker 44 Very interesting theory. I like it.

Speaker 42 Is it? Yep.

Speaker 44 Later, the justice was.

Speaker 42 He fucking was, Gareth. Yes, he was.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 44 Just none of it. You little mopey bitch.

Speaker 44 Later, the justice was startled to find similar tracks in his backyard, and he immediately

Speaker 44 made six plaster molds. He made six plaster molds.

Speaker 43 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 44 The tracks were made in a single yet exact line resembling those of a small pony.

Speaker 42 The plot.

Speaker 43 I literally, I literally, I can't even track the story about the tracking of whatever this is.

Speaker 44 The plot thickens.

Speaker 43 No, it doesn't.

Speaker 42 It has no plot. It has thickened.
It is meaty and thick. Is plaster a common thing in 1909? I guess it's like how they made their walls.
It's just like a strange thing.

Speaker 42 They're like, hey, the depression's coming up, but I can just waste some materials on this fucking pony bird.

Speaker 43 Well, this was back when this is the Roaring Tens almost. I mean, this is plaster.
Everyone had fuck you plaster at this point.

Speaker 44 Yeah, it's true.

Speaker 42 The plaster is not where we should be hunting.

Speaker 43 Yeah, well,

Speaker 43 the plaster is, it's, look, it's an issue. But it's also tracking on top of a building.

Speaker 43 Now we're just talking about, I mean, it really feels like what we've determined in the paper is that this could be anything.

Speaker 44 The impressions about half an inch in the snow were about two and a half inches long and arc one and a quarter inches wide all day long crowds of persons thronged the squire's premises and visited his office to view the molds a murder could hardly produce more excitement so people are fucking

Speaker 42 that's the standard

Speaker 43 murder yeah man 1909 suck dude this is exciting man hey did you hear there was a murder let's get the fuck out of here i don't want to see the devil someone got killed this is almost as fun as the murder last year.

Speaker 43 Man, how great is a murder?

Speaker 42 Pretty good.

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Speaker 44 it's pretty good dude i love a good murder gloucester couple see it nelson evans of that city and his wife bella have come forward to tell of seeing the strange beast at two o'clock in the morning so they saw it gareth it's been did they did they

Speaker 42 were these fucking people doing out at two in the morning that's not decent well

Speaker 44 mr evans is a is a paper hanger and living on mercer street in the domain of the duke of gloucester he is in a

Speaker 44 church.

Speaker 42 He's a church member.

Speaker 43 Literally, what is happening with everything?

Speaker 42 Church members.

Speaker 44 So is his wife.

Speaker 42 They go to church garrisons.

Speaker 43 Yeah, the Duke of Gloucester's a paper hanger.

Speaker 44 Neither of them.

Speaker 42 The paper hanger lives in the quarters of the Duke of Gloucester. Oh, correct.

Speaker 42 Which I got to be honest. I thought 1909, we were done with that shit.
I thought that was kind of like the whole point of us, but maybe I'm.

Speaker 43 No.

Speaker 44 Neither of them ever

Speaker 44 even tasted Applejack. Miss Evans tells her strange words.

Speaker 42 I'm Apple's words. The wrestler? I think he's saying

Speaker 43 Applejack.

Speaker 44 I think he's saying that they're on the straight and narrow. They're not fucking Applejacking around.

Speaker 42 He's saying they're not drunk.

Speaker 44 Is that what you're getting? I think so.

Speaker 42 These two have never tasted Applejack. Never even had a sniff of it.
I like that you made Applejack a guy because it would be great if he popped up and argued. That's not true, ma'am.

Speaker 42 You tasted me last year. It was in the summer.

Speaker 43 I was having an affair with Applejack. I'm begging a lot of the wives.

Speaker 44 Okay, Mrs. Evans telling of her strange experience.
There was a strange noise in the yard. It sounded like a clatter of pots on a stove, as if somebody was throwing it.

Speaker 43 Nobody got their story straight.

Speaker 44 I poked my elbow into Mr. Evans' side and whispered to him, Nels, get up quick.
Something is wrong in the yard. My husband got out of bed and saw something on the shed roof.

Speaker 44 He called me and I went to the window, something about two feet high and running around out there on two feet.

Speaker 42 The devil's tiny.

Speaker 44 At first I was scared and stepped back from the window, but I looked out again and got a good view of it. It made no noise at all until it began flapping its wings and then it sounded seize,

Speaker 42 seize,

Speaker 44 seize,

Speaker 44 just like this muffled sound a woodsaw makes when it strikes a rotten place. While I was looking, the animal rose on its wings and flew away.
It wasn't a pony, for it walked on two legs.

Speaker 44 I saw something like arms by its breast, but it was too dark to make out plainly. It wasn't a kangaroo, for it had feathers.

Speaker 44 I could see that on the side toward the light, and it had wings and a long necks. It face was just like the face of a horse.

Speaker 43 Oh my God.

Speaker 42 Terrifying.

Speaker 42 Dude, I realize you guys don't give a fuck about Mothman, but like, literally, this is how Mothman started too. Really? People hadn't seen shit back then, and sometimes there was a new bird.
Yeah.

Speaker 42 Because even, even in her descriptions, you can tell they have no reference points. It probably was a chicken.

Speaker 42 They're like, what did it sound like? Pots and pans? That's because that's all that ladies ever owned.

Speaker 42 What do you mean to say it sounded like pots and pans?

Speaker 43 I know two sounds, my husband and pots and pans. And it wasn't at all my husband.

Speaker 42 Sounded like a wood saw. I remember going into a little girl one time.

Speaker 43 We're trying to limit her sounds.

Speaker 42 Although she did throw kangaroo in there. Where the fuck did that come from?

Speaker 44 I was saying they've seen drawings of kangaroos. Like, that's probably because people are, when, if you go to Australia, you're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 42 Can you start drawing? She's like, it wasn't a kangaroo. We know, lady.

Speaker 43 It had feathers, so it definitely wasn't a kangaroo, if that's what you're thinking.

Speaker 42 I know what you guys are thinking. It's definitely an Australian marsupial in the middle of the New Jersey winter.
But

Speaker 43 it wasn't. That's probably where it put all of its pots and pans in its little pouch.

Speaker 42 Yep. And I had an idea.
He should join the Revolving Door Company. They could expand.
Pouches, pots, pans, and doors.

Speaker 43 I seen him on the roof, and he sounded like a bunch of pots and pans on his hind legs, and he he was about two feet tall.

Speaker 43 I think it was a bus boy.

Speaker 42 Cross River 2.

Speaker 44 Hoof prints found in Philadelphia were inspected yesterday's lives.

Speaker 43 There's a whole goddamn paper just about this fucking bullshit.

Speaker 44 By person who examined the tracks in Woodbury, Gloucester, and Westville. So now someone's looking at all the Gloucester.

Speaker 44 Gloucester. They said that unquestionably the marks were made by the creature that on the east side of the Delaware is called the Jersey Devil.

Speaker 42 Ooh,

Speaker 44 plot thickens. Mr.

Speaker 44 Sorry, Dr. J.F.
Zendel, no, he's a mr.

Speaker 44 osteopathist living at

Speaker 42 whatever 25.

Speaker 43 Osteopath is about to weigh in on the prince.

Speaker 42 That's right.

Speaker 43 As a doctor, this is definitely a devil.

Speaker 44 Declared yesterday that he had found the trail in his backyard on the top of his shed and roof of his house.

Speaker 43 Oh, so it's a real shed hopper.

Speaker 44 It's flapping and flying around.

Speaker 43 Flapping and flopping and flying around, two feet tall on its hind legs, shed hopping.

Speaker 43 Sounding like pots and pans.

Speaker 44 W.H. Kentrell, also in Philadelphia, led some reporters to his backyard, and there are hoof prints on the south side of the house and running.

Speaker 43 This is a 100% prank.

Speaker 44 As if the visitor flew a little way and then began to walk again. Now, quote, now,

Speaker 42 now I have to talk about this.

Speaker 44 All the fellows at the office will be laughing at me, but the tracks are there, sure enough.

Speaker 44 I wager, too, that the thing that made the trail walked on two legs. I noticed the hoof prints on Monday and wondered at it then.

Speaker 44 Fascinating. It's fascinating.

Speaker 42 Stop talking.

Speaker 44 Mr. Cantrell's backyard has a high fence around it, and the gate.
at the alley is always locked. Explain that, Reynolds.

Speaker 43 There's just a whole bunch of bullshit. Someone got into the gate.

Speaker 44 That's your scientific.

Speaker 42 That was dynamite, Gareth, just shitting on all of our theories all day long, and that's what you came up with. Bunch of bullshit.
It was a revolving door.

Speaker 42 It's a revolving gate. That's pretty good.

Speaker 43 It's a revolving gate.

Speaker 42 Burlington.

Speaker 44 Really scared. From Burlington comes a dispatch to the effect that the devil's footprints mystery has become a very real terror to that vicinity.

Speaker 42 The devil's footprints mystery. I like how the paper just is getting more and more like, and by the way, these things we were speculating, now facts.
And this is in the same paper.

Speaker 43 It's not like four weeks later that they're like, now we're a little more nervous. And later in the paper, they're like, we're now convinced after reading the top of it.

Speaker 42 I hope someone commits a murder soon so we can stop hearing about this.

Speaker 43 I have a bad feeling this is it. I have a bad feeling this whole evening edition is just this and ads.

Speaker 44 Has become a very real terror to that vicinity with the discovery that practically no part of the city and surrounding countryside has been immune to visits of the uncanny creature of creatures, which have been stirring all over South Jersey.

Speaker 44 Old men who remember the days when the Leeds devils scared lonely communities of the county believe this terror has returned.

Speaker 43 It took a long time off, but the devil's back.

Speaker 42 This is a common thing.

Speaker 42 People were so bored. Man, I'm glad we got smartphones.

Speaker 44 While black settlements of the area

Speaker 44 said the marks of those of what they term flying death.

Speaker 44 Interesting. So

Speaker 44 the people who are not white have

Speaker 44 also a description of that.

Speaker 43 They even agree. Right.

Speaker 42 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 42 I do like the twist. They're like, that's just death, honey.
Like, that's all that is. We don't have to compare it to a dog or a kangaroo.
Dead is few.

Speaker 43 But I also think that they probably were like, you know what? If white people are seeing a devil, we've been seeing it for a while too. Let's just agree with them.

Speaker 43 They were like, you know, we've seen a terrible devil. He's got no moral moral compass and will do anything to punish.
And they were like, yep, right. We saw that.
We saw that.

Speaker 42 Up in White City.

Speaker 43 Why are you telling us about the devil? Yeah. Up in White City.

Speaker 42 Death. You talking about death?

Speaker 43 Did yours look like a kangaroo, but without feathers?

Speaker 42 Sure. Whatever you want me to say.

Speaker 43 Whatever gets you out of here fastest.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Undoubtedly, the beast bird that made the tracks were numerous as they vary in different spots from the size of the horse's hoof

Speaker 44 to but two inches in diameter. Even the largest, however, lead through fence holes less than two feet high.

Speaker 42 Wow.

Speaker 43 I love how it has to go through the fence.

Speaker 43 The devil is like, I can almost fit through here.

Speaker 44 We learned a lot.

Speaker 43 Did we? Yep.

Speaker 44 We did. We learned a lot.

Speaker 42 I feel very scholarly.

Speaker 44 I mean, basically, you just took a science course.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Gareth, I need you to believe in science more.

Speaker 43 I am feeling relief that we might be done with this part of the dumbest paper we've so far had.

Speaker 42 I listened to a couple episodes, and you say that every episode.

Speaker 42 I don't think you do. That's a theme.
You're like, this paper's stupid. Yeah.
Yeah. And you just hear what we just said, man.
They don't know shit.

Speaker 43 No, I know. And that's stupid to me.

Speaker 42 Yeah, they're out there bloodletting to get over the blues.

Speaker 43 Also stupid.

Speaker 42 Get over the blues.

Speaker 42 I agree.

Speaker 42 It is more interesting, though, than like, you know, whatever's going on in my town right now.

Speaker 42 I bet if I brought in my town's newspaper right now, you, Gareth, would be like, our papers from back in the day are better.

Speaker 43 I agree.

Speaker 43 It's not that they're not entertaining, but they are insanely stupid.

Speaker 42 Yeah, those go hand in hand a lot in this country. It's good to know that that might be our culture going back to at least 1909.

Speaker 43 Stupid people being verbose.

Speaker 42 is I was thinking about how I know I'm biased. I do wish this was in a southern town just so our voices could have been.

Speaker 42 I would have loved to gone with the wind.

Speaker 43 I did do a southern voice earlier.

Speaker 42 It's a well, yeah, it was stupid in your prejudice. So that's what you did.

Speaker 42 That's right. You're like, a dumbass? Doesn't make it feel like Drew.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 43 It's Drew's people.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 42 In New Jersey in 1909. You guys know how famously there were so many southerners in New Jersey in 1909 walked around talking to newspaper reporters?

Speaker 43 This map was weird back then.

Speaker 42 Stop.

Speaker 43 New Jersey was basically South.

Speaker 42 Yeah. And then Mason Pictures weighed in on the controversy.
Oh, the guy they named it after.

Speaker 44 Have you guys considered not being dipshits?

Speaker 42 Yes. Jesus.

Speaker 43 Who thought Dave was going to come to my rescue, Drew?

Speaker 42 It would be a lot. But he was afraid I was going to take away his dumbass, you know, and his brain.
People really hang on to that, whoever it is.

Speaker 44 It would be a little irritating, right, to live in a place in the country where everyone's just like, this is the voice for dummies.

Speaker 42 Even

Speaker 44 the Simpsons has that character where they're like, also, there's a suffering.

Speaker 42 Everyone has that character.

Speaker 42 I have that. Everyone does.

Speaker 43 That's what's funny about Corey roaming around the forest near his house, being like, Let me tell y'all why the Republicans have fully shit the bet of game. And you're just like, easy, Corey.

Speaker 43 It's easy now, boy. You don't want to be forest liberaling.

Speaker 42 Maybe it was just Corey jumping around the woods in New Jersey. Drunk.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 43 After doing four podcasts, it looked like a kangaroo. Yeah, he's just like, I raised $4,000 for homeless people last night.

Speaker 42 I don't even remember doing it.

Speaker 42 I think it was the kangaroo because he kept pulling stuff out of his stomach area and drinking it.

Speaker 42 You see the fucking sandwich under his shirt.

Speaker 43 Corey is a kangaroo. The southern kangaroo.

Speaker 44 Secret marriage of none revealed.

Speaker 42 Ooh. I'm in.
I'm so in.

Speaker 42 That's hot.

Speaker 44 Pope Pius will be asked by Archbishop Miller to grant a special dispensation for Sister Adelia of the St. Francis Hospital Corps, who...

Speaker 44 In the disguise of a cook's garb, eloped last August with Jacob Walter, who was her patient.

Speaker 42 Oh, wow. Her patient? Yeah.

Speaker 42 That man knocked out like four fantasies in one night, dude.

Speaker 44 He did, didn't he?

Speaker 42 He did.

Speaker 42 He had a one-woman orgy.

Speaker 42 Tonight, you're a nurse. Oh, shit.
Now you're a nun. Oh, God.

Speaker 42 The pub's watching us.

Speaker 42 That one-legged bird flies by. The devil's here, too.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God.

Speaker 43 Mind if I join? That's a lot of feathers.

Speaker 42 Curious if it lists his ailment in this story.

Speaker 44 Oh, the elopement.

Speaker 42 What was wrong with my boy?

Speaker 44 The elopement has just leaked out early in the summer. Walter was taken ill and sent to the St.
Francis Hospital. So that's it.
He's just taken ill.

Speaker 44 But that's what happened back then. You got taken ill.
Yeah.

Speaker 42 Took everything. Yeah.

Speaker 44 Their sister Odilia attended him.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Sure.

Speaker 42 Yeah. Damn.

Speaker 44 He fell in love with his nurse and his love was returned.

Speaker 44 Walter left his bed one night.

Speaker 43 It's got to be great. Like, it's going to be crazy when you're like, I think the nun is giving vibes.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Like, you'd have to be like, no way.

Speaker 42 Dude, this dude's game is immaculate.

Speaker 43 It's really amazing to be able to like nun pull.

Speaker 42 Nun nurse pull.

Speaker 43 Nun nurse pull is shocking.

Speaker 42 This is against many of her rules.

Speaker 43 You've got to, like, she has to be making the first move. You can't.

Speaker 42 Yeah. She's into it.
She's into breaking multiple. She's eating Chick-fil-A chicken in a gay Virginia hat.
Yes.

Speaker 43 She gets it. She's off limits.

Speaker 44 Do you think she gave a handy?

Speaker 42 Yeah, I think there had to be something.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 42 She kissed his neck, and then they had to get married because of the law.

Speaker 43 Yeah, she was like, I've betrayed the Lord. We're legally married now.

Speaker 44 Walter left his bed one morning, and Sister Adalia did not go to early mass in the chapel.

Speaker 44 Instead, she went into the kitchen and exchanged her uniform for the street clothes of one of the cooks and she and Walter were married by a justice of the peace

Speaker 42 buddy she did what she went into the kitchen and was just like put on my nun outfit yeah she just put a chef's hat on and she was like now I can escape they chefs are allowed to leave are nuns not allowed that's a much funnier visual thank you for that but it definitely said traded which means she just got a cook to give her the cookie excuse me would you like to be a nun for the day and I'll be a cook?

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 42 Hell yeah, dude. See, now I'm making the dumbass southern, but this guy's fun, so I like it.
He's got a cigarette hanging out on one lip. And this fucking nurse came in here, just got undressed, dude.

Speaker 42 She was butt-ass naked. She's like, give me your clothes.
I got to go marry this guy. I was like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? God wants me to do it.

Speaker 43 Pope Pius doesn't notice. Sister, can we bother you to come into the chapel for a minute?

Speaker 42 You got a full beard. I reckon I probably could figure it out.
Come here. All right.
All the guys. nuns gather round.

Speaker 42 I ain't giving those sick dudes hand jobs like that last broad did.

Speaker 43 Easy now, sister.

Speaker 42 That's not how a lady talks.

Speaker 43 All the nuns gather round. We've gotten some word that some of the patients are hitting on some of you.

Speaker 43 Please, no dipping in the chapel.

Speaker 43 So.

Speaker 42 Well, hell man, you're the one called a meeting this time of day. What the fuck am I supposed to do, Pope?

Speaker 42 Language, sister.

Speaker 43 Good lord.

Speaker 42 Well, also, pies. Where's the pies at, dude? What the fuck are we doing in here?

Speaker 43 It's much to learn, sister. With a beard and a cigarette.

Speaker 42 Well, what I want to get back to is

Speaker 42 she did this. I was giving my boy a lot of credit, and he clearly had some game and or was gorgeous.
But if she ran into the kitchen and that quickly got some of the...

Speaker 42 She's the one

Speaker 42 pulling the gears. You see what I'm saying?

Speaker 44 There's got to be tons of nuns who go in when they're super young and they're like, you know what? I would like to fuck.

Speaker 43 yeah well it's also i not to make the

Speaker 43 the man was probably like get married uh do you want to hang out a little she was like it's the only way

Speaker 43 we just made out a little bit that's a morphine

Speaker 43 and she's like finally my true calling you like

Speaker 43 gay

Speaker 42 I don't know. I think growing up in the part of the south that I did, I kind of understand what happens with kids at 19 and they've been waiting to fuck, but God won't let them in their brain.

Speaker 42 I think as soon as she was like, he was like, yeah, I'll wear a wedding ring, a hat. I'll wear your clothes.
I'll do whatever you want. We can get tattoos as long as you let me bust, sister.
Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 42 And then getting married. That was like.

Speaker 44 That was in the card he wrote her. As long as you let me bust, sister.

Speaker 43 As long as you let me. I didn't know Hallmark made one of these.

Speaker 43 As long as you let me bust.

Speaker 43 I mean, I would also like the Justice of the Peace was was like, and you,

Speaker 42 standard cook, take this man to be your, take this patient, take this man in his

Speaker 43 OR scrubs.

Speaker 42 He's coughing. Yeah, he's just got a hospital.
Has he still got TV?

Speaker 42 You get the rope split in the back. Yeah.

Speaker 43 This is a strange ceremony, obviously.

Speaker 44 After the excitement of the wedding had somewhat subdued, the pair began to think their separation from the church.

Speaker 44 they began to think of their separation from the church they appealed to father schmidt of saint a bonn I can't read that and it was through his intervention that Archbishop Miller has appealed to the Pope to give his consent to a church wedding oh they just want the pope oh they want to make the wedding oh they want to make

Speaker 42 yeah yeah they're like I still want to be Catholic I just didn't want to be a nun that feels fair it is interesting this is news

Speaker 43 Well, a rogue nun

Speaker 43 that feels, I guess, in small town. Like a movie.
Again, evening news, too. This is the problem in the evening news.

Speaker 44 It's like a film you'd see on TV.

Speaker 42 I guess it's just embarrassing for them, I feel like. Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah. Or maybe they did it themselves.
Maybe this is part of the ploy to get back in the church. Maybe they got a PR guy, you know, in their team.

Speaker 43 I like that the cook still hanging out as a nun this whole time.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 43 You know, these wafers could be a little tastier. Quiet, sister.
What do you know about flavored profiles?

Speaker 42 That's not a wafer. That's an opium pill.
That's for the patients. God damn, man.

Speaker 43 He starts getting feelings for one of the patients.

Speaker 44 Sister,

Speaker 44 we found the actual sister.

Speaker 43 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 44 Well, she's come forward and said she's a lot of people. She took the cook's

Speaker 44 clothes and went off and got married.

Speaker 42 You mean that lady cook that's always lying on me?

Speaker 43 You mean that fibbin lady cook?

Speaker 43 Who are you going to believe? Her, you're hot as none.

Speaker 42 Her, actually, yeah. Oh.

Speaker 42 But we need you to stay on. You're the only one who can lift fat George.

Speaker 43 But you've been so helpful in the crucifix cleaning.

Speaker 44 Judge, she's a fabricator, said prisoner to the court.

Speaker 44 Judge, she's a fabricator, said Henry Martin to Justice Harris in the Central Police Court this morning, luring his wife's charges of

Speaker 44 luring, that can't be the right word. Oh, during his wife's charges of non-support.

Speaker 42 Martin...

Speaker 43 I already know who I believe.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Martin, who was arrested by patrolman Saul in the 2nd District Tuesday, denied every charge made against him.

Speaker 44 His wife claimed that he had not given her a penny towards support of their eight-year-old boy for four months and that he had not even been home in that time.

Speaker 44 Well, yeah, he's

Speaker 42 awesome.

Speaker 42 Yeah, he's not there.

Speaker 43 See, this is what you're trying to avoid, Drew, but just go live.

Speaker 42 Just go live.

Speaker 43 Just go live.

Speaker 42 Yep.

Speaker 42 It's funny. I don't think I can beat the charges.
I mean, I do have a criminal law background, actually. I used to be an attorney.
I think I'd do better than judge she's a fabricator, you know?

Speaker 42 I'd at least like come in with some fake receipts. Like, look at this Venmo picture, Judge.
I feel like I've Venmo'd this bitch. Look, it says it right there.
Four formulas.

Speaker 44 I feel like you shouldn't say,

Speaker 44 I feel like I've Venmo'd this bitch.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I know. That was kind of

Speaker 43 Dave.

Speaker 44 I feel like the judge wouldn't like that.

Speaker 42 I think you should leave it to me. You know, when I was with the law school,

Speaker 43 Dave, he's a fucking ex-lawyer.

Speaker 42 Leave it to me.

Speaker 44 Yeah, but I'm starting to get why he's an ex-lawyer as opposed to still a lawyer. Does that make sense?

Speaker 43 Wait a minute. This isn't Dave.
This is just a cook in a Dave outfit.

Speaker 42 I knew it.

Speaker 44 His wife claimed he had not given her a penny towards the support of their eight-year-old boy for four months.

Speaker 43 That's allowed back then.

Speaker 44 And not even at home. She further stated that when he was living with her,

Speaker 42 why is he still living at home? Why does he go with a revolving door company?

Speaker 43 Get to the mine.

Speaker 42 Get to the revolving door front lines.

Speaker 44 When he was living with her, he pawned everything in the house from her shoes to the silver knives and forks in the drawer. Well, to buy alcohol.

Speaker 42 I'm going to go out on a limb here. Is this guy drunk?

Speaker 44 To buy alcohol. That's correct.

Speaker 43 Honey, where are the knives?

Speaker 42 We don't need those.

Speaker 42 We're drinking it.

Speaker 42 I'm as baffled as you are.

Speaker 44 You can't cut whiskey.

Speaker 43 Are you telling me someone got rid of your shoes and your forks?

Speaker 42 That's crazy.

Speaker 43 And we're not going to leave here until we find out which son of a fucking bitch did it.

Speaker 42 The woman said that the trouble. I didn't make no knives or forks.

Speaker 42 I mean,

Speaker 43 just go into the bar. That'll be 275.
How many forks is that?

Speaker 42 Let me call my manager.

Speaker 43 Here, take four forks and a fifth. I'm going to be here for a little while.

Speaker 42 Are these your boys' forks?

Speaker 42 Last time you came in in here and you gave me

Speaker 43 no these are grown fork these are grown man forks okay here's a couple knives and forks and then these are my these are my heels these are these are my heels too if i could just have a little bit more whiskey inside of that glass

Speaker 44 the woman said that the trouble started in the west where they went to live about three years ago and after standing the abuse as long as she could

Speaker 42 She

Speaker 44 came to the city and secured a position. And later they were reunited and lived together for about eight months.
Yeah, so why wouldn't you take him back after

Speaker 43 within eight months he's selling he's hawking your forks?

Speaker 44 Martin claimed that after the reunion he worked in the Willetts pottery drawing from that firm for the eight months about $700 of which he gave his wife the greater share.

Speaker 44 He showed the court a book with entries of his earnings during his employment in the pottery and also said that his wife had bought a lot at Hart and Morris Avenue with this money.

Speaker 42 Okay, so she brought a Venmo receipt, like I fucking said, Dave.

Speaker 44 He does. He has a fucking receipt.
Now, that's.

Speaker 43 Do you want to say you're sorry to Drew, Dave?

Speaker 42 No.

Speaker 42 Dave, what is that?

Speaker 43 Is that a winged bird?

Speaker 43 Is that a hoofed bird?

Speaker 44 I have some Jersey Devils in the house. Whoa.

Speaker 44 Miss Martin admitted that she owned the lot,

Speaker 44 but said that her money had bought it. Okay.

Speaker 44 So she owns property. The woman told the court.

Speaker 43 She's doing well, and this guy's just a piece of shit.

Speaker 44 The woman told the court that she owned four lots in Wilbur that were in her own name and not a penny in her husband's money had helped pay for them.

Speaker 43 He was definitely at the bar trying to trade a lot, though, for like gin.

Speaker 42 I don't know.

Speaker 42 I'm turning a corner here. She's got four lots?

Speaker 42 She's coming at my man for even more. How'd she get four lots if he didn't give her any money? In 1909?

Speaker 43 Yeah, this is. You see, right now, anyone listening, this is what toxic masculinity is talking about.

Speaker 44 Overseer of the poor Dearden was the complainant, Miss Martin, having gone before him asking that she have help either from her husband or from the city. And Martin was remanded further

Speaker 44 until further evidence can be secured.

Speaker 42 Another woman holding a good good man down.

Speaker 42 That's right.

Speaker 44 He seems like a fine man.

Speaker 43 I really wish I'd, when I started dating my girlfriend, I'd just started stealing her forks.

Speaker 42 Is it too late? What's the cutoff?

Speaker 43 Am I okay to just...

Speaker 42 It's never too late to start stealing forks.

Speaker 43 Just a pinch or not or cutlery.

Speaker 42 As your attorney, I recommend you steal forks tonight.

Speaker 43 It just would be so great to just like imagine being in a relationship and starting to be like, yeah, there's more forks missing, but

Speaker 42 we're both baffled. And when she takes you to fork court, this won't be admissible because this is protected by our attorney-client privilege.

Speaker 43 Fork Court is

Speaker 43 please, please show me fork court.

Speaker 43 Bam out, bounce.

Speaker 42 Now entering the fork court. Bow now, bounce, bounce.

Speaker 44 Jack is still in bed.

Speaker 44 Jack Maureen is still drinking and still visiting the police stations. This time, he is taking his meals at the second district.

Speaker 44 He was arrested this morning on Broad Street by Patrolman Maguire for being drunk and disorderly. He will be given a hearing tonight before Judge Roos.

Speaker 43 Stop feeding him.

Speaker 42 Jack's still at it. Yep.
I think the food is good.

Speaker 43 I think if you're just showing up to...

Speaker 43 I mean, I think at some point it's like his jack in the box. Like, he would just get hammered and be be like,

Speaker 42 that's where he actually came from. He kept going into the box, and that's how.

Speaker 44 Blame mice for this fire. Mice gnawing on matches are supposed to have started the fire which occurred in the cigar store.

Speaker 42 Who is the arson guy?

Speaker 43 Well, I believe.

Speaker 42 He's also the devil bird guy.

Speaker 42 Yeah, honestly.

Speaker 43 Well, I could tell you one thing. I'm the guy who's been tracking the devil, the hoof devil bird.
This is 100% mouse fire.

Speaker 42 Listen, I may have done a bad bit earlier being an attorney on Venmo, but my limited time in the criminal defense world,

Speaker 42 figure out who got the insurance on this case. Mouse arson? I mean,

Speaker 42 that's wildly, wildly beautiful for someone to do it. Tough to prove.

Speaker 42 Tough to prove. If the whole world believed mice can chew on matches and start a fire,

Speaker 42 I would own nothing but ashes right now and a big pile of fucking money.

Speaker 44 The technical name for it is Marson.

Speaker 42 Okay, that's not.

Speaker 42 No.

Speaker 42 Oh,

Speaker 42 man.

Speaker 42 This goddamn kangaroo hopped in here with a bunch of matches in his pouch. I mean,

Speaker 43 literally every animal they saw was like, potential criminal.

Speaker 42 That bird was the devil.

Speaker 43 That bird's the devil. These mice are lighting house fires.

Speaker 43 I'm paying my lawyer and forks.

Speaker 42 And the nuns, the nuns are fucking giving hand jobs.

Speaker 43 The nuns are cooks, and the cooks are jacking off.

Speaker 42 I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 44 Mice gnawing on matches is supposed to have started the fire, which occurred in the cigar store of Thomas Terrell. It's a cigar store.

Speaker 42 So? So they let the cigar burn in.

Speaker 43 Yes, I agree.

Speaker 42 It was the same guy. The same drunk.
Do the character, Gareth. He's hammered.
He started the fight.

Speaker 43 No, you guys are showing up here with a head full of ideas, but let me just put some of them out of your mind right away. This is 100%

Speaker 43 a mouse issue.

Speaker 43 And you look around here thinking,

Speaker 43 was I in here smoking cigars? Drunk?

Speaker 42 No.

Speaker 43 I don't even was I smoking a little bit but then let me tell you where this plot got a little bit thicker all of a sudden when a mice came in here and they decided they do it.

Speaker 43 They put on their teeth just to make sure she gets like their teeth and babies. And they buy the matchbooks.
Next thing you know, bing, bang, sulfur, boom. That's what did it.
I'm lucky to be alive.

Speaker 42 I think they did it on purpose because we said you can't smoke in here.

Speaker 43 Oh, yeah. Well, I started kind of putting up that sign that says no mouse smoking.
That burned down, but it was up there. You better believe me with that.

Speaker 42 I seen it and I can read to third grade.

Speaker 43 Hey, you guys didn't see nothing. Here you go.
Fork for everybody. Everybody gets a fork.
You guys didn't see nothing.

Speaker 42 The fire marshal's like, I was going to arrest him, but he paid me off in a fork because made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Pretty good.

Speaker 43 Yeah, the cops are just searching his place. They lift up the mattress and it's just all forks.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 42 He's got an Scottish. He's got an empire.
He's got to get an empire.

Speaker 44 Passersby noticed the flames and turned in an alarm, which was responded to by Chief Allen with engines two and three in Truck One. The flames were quickly extinguished.

Speaker 44 The damage amounted to about $200.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I did it. I did it, and I do it again.
Is that mice talking? That's right, I do it again. I did it again.
That motherfucker told me I can't have a cigar. I'm a cool ass motherfucker mouse.

Speaker 42 Fuck that.

Speaker 43 It just rips off the mouse costume, and it's a nun.

Speaker 42 Good luck. I don't know what I'm doing.

Speaker 43 I'm quite lost. I don't know.

Speaker 42 $200 was that back then. It can't be that much.
$10,000?

Speaker 42 Yeah, it'd say maybe even less.

Speaker 43 I don't know.

Speaker 43 Not worth it.

Speaker 44 Trenton men make a ton tub for Taft.

Speaker 42 A ton tub for Taft.

Speaker 44 The JL

Speaker 44 Yep. The JL Mott Company just completed a mammoth bathtub for President-elect William H.
Taft.

Speaker 44 Mr. Taft will use it during his voyage on the battleship North Carolina from Charleston to Cologne and return.

Speaker 44 The bathtub is now on exhibition at the main offices of the Mott Company in New York and is seven feet, one inch long, 41 inches wide, and weighs a ton.

Speaker 44 It will hold four men and is large.

Speaker 42 One Taft.

Speaker 44 And is the largest ever manufactured, the Mott Company says.

Speaker 43 He was 340 pounds, which is big, but so

Speaker 44 not big. It's not that big.

Speaker 42 No, this is just like the $200.

Speaker 42 I think it's pretty big in 09.

Speaker 43 Yeah, what is that in today's weight, Dave?

Speaker 42 Yeah, I think the tub was smaller than.

Speaker 43 It's the size of a mouse. I mean, to be so big that they make a special tub for you is obviously embarrassing.

Speaker 42 This is boy math. You've heard of the girl math or whatever, like all that that the kids are talking about.
This is boy math. Yeah.
Yeah, so fucking how many tubs we got to get this lard ass

Speaker 43 just so the president could just be like, that's nice.

Speaker 43 That feels good. You know, my asshole hasn't been underwater in a decade.

Speaker 42 That's so nice.

Speaker 42 He's going to Cologne. Is that where he was going?

Speaker 43 Yeah. So he wanted to smell good.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 44 The bathtub is one half as large, again, as the ordinary bathtub of the most ample proportions. The ordinary bathtub weighs only 400 pounds.
The bathtub is to be fitted especially for Mr.

Speaker 44 Taft's comfort. And if he should take a fancy to its pond-like dimensions,

Speaker 42 wow. I mean, a fucking pond.
This is the first hot tub. My man had a hot tub.
Yeah, he did, yeah. On a boat to Cologne.
Yeah.

Speaker 42 Imagine being a dude who got a hot tub made for your boat to go to Cologne. And then you find out later you weren't even the best William H in American history.
You were were a solid.

Speaker 42 No, what you did was incredible. We got a guy who beat you, though, dude.
He played it drunk in a way that we've never seen before.

Speaker 43 I was on my forks.

Speaker 42 Shameless.

Speaker 44 There is no reason why it should not be transferred from

Speaker 44 North Carolina into the White House with other personal baggage of Mr. Taft.
Manufactured.

Speaker 42 This company's from North Carolina, and this made the New Jersey paper. That's right.
This is basically.

Speaker 42 I definitely thought this was like local boys made good. Like, can you believe they asked our tub makers to get this fat ass's own boat tub? But it's just like, this is the news.
Interesting.

Speaker 42 I'm not complaining. It's just like, that surprised me.

Speaker 44 It's national news, yeah.

Speaker 42 That's big.

Speaker 44 Manufacturers do not make tap-sized bathtubs for the trade, and how to get one that should be of adequate proportions and luxurious white enamel was something of a problem.

Speaker 44 From Norfolk, an order for a bathtub, Taff size, came to New York with instructions to find one. The tub has been found, and it will be ready on the warship for Mr.
Taft, thanks to Trenton Labor.

Speaker 43 Dude liked baths.

Speaker 43 And the story is that he got stuck in the bathtub at one point, right? I mean, that was something that happened, so this might be right before this, or he just got fatter.

Speaker 44 No, it's probably fake. And then this story hit the national news, and someone ran with it and made it up.

Speaker 42 Oh.

Speaker 44 I don't think he actually got stuck in that.

Speaker 42 Oh, so people were shit talking to him. And and then so then they started doing bathtub stories on him.
Yeah, it was a bit sad for him.

Speaker 43 Yeah, it's tough. But again, he got his bath.

Speaker 43 I mean, if they're building a specific bathtub, that might be that's when you're like, you know what, I'm going to walk a little bit more when my tub is making the news.

Speaker 42 I guess also, and maybe this is ignorant of me, and I apologize if it is, folks listening. I think weighing 340 back then, that takes some effort.

Speaker 42 Yeah, probably. Well, Drew is about to say, you know,

Speaker 44 well, no, it's a time when you're,

Speaker 44 I mean, he could have just been a naturally giant dude. I think you're allowed to do that.
There's not a lot of people that weigh that much back then. It's not like a.

Speaker 42 Yeah. That's what I'm saying.
He was fucking hoarding the food. This isn't like a thyroid problem.
The motherfucker was rich and being a dick. I'll be drowned in the bathtub.
You know what?

Speaker 42 Fuck you, Gareth.

Speaker 42 Took a lot of turns.

Speaker 43 Well, you said you came in here to throw some haymakers, Drew, and you surely did.

Speaker 43 Thank you, the great drew morgan for joining us people can go to drewmorgancomedy.com for your dates um

Speaker 43 yeah you you came in to fight and you fought you fought well

Speaker 43 i don't know if anyone's ever won the show but i think you won the show yeah damn that was my goal yeah better guest than corey

Speaker 42 Hell yeah. All right.
Later, Drew. Fuck you, Corey.
Fuck both of you. Dave, you're still blurry.
Thank you. Fuck fat people in 1909, but not today.
Not today, but in 1909. And also, fuck nuns.

Speaker 42 Oh my god.

Speaker 43 Christ. All right.
This has been the pastimes. We'll be right back with an all-new episode.