133 - The Past Times with Wil Anderson

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hi Garris um so you were transferred over to me because you were waiting on some results yeah some biopsy results

um you don't have your appointment until July 8th I believe your results will be released then and there did someone call you in regards to them yeah they did

oh very strange okay um

let me because I unfortunately don't have access to the results let me go ahead and speak to someone might be a different department and then I'll go ahead and ask them to give you a call back is that okay okay is it weird?

Is it weird to get a call early?

No, it just means that they were probably in earlier. I just have to identify which department tried reaching out to you so they can provide the results to you, okay? Okay, thank you.

And then I have your first name and data birth. If you can please verify that, Gareth Reynolds.

Perfect. Okay, you should be receiving a call, hopefully, before the end of today, okay? Okay, thank you.
Thank you.

Bye.

You're listening to pastimes. And by pastimes, I meet my ex-podcast host, Gareth Reynolds.

If you could just provide me the road you grew up on and the name of your first pet, I think I have all the information I need to access your files.

Wow. That was a letdown.

Is there any reason that they might have called earlier? It would have been great if she'd just gone. Oh, yeah, they normally only call if it's bad news.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's bad. It's like, oh, you got an early call? Like, but you picked it.
Oh. Oh, you got the early call.
Oh,

that's not great. I'm going to transfer you to the morgue.
Oh, boy.

Do you have a will? I do. He's waiting to do my podcast.

Well, you can just explain to him on the record how you would like your assets divided after your death.

Firstly, who gets Dave? That's very important.

I think you do.

Oh, no.

How do you mean? Oh, no. He's not a gremlin.
Oh, no.

That's debatable, honestly.

I think the show started. Should we do an intro?

Yeah, sure. You're listening to the past times.
You know what we do here each week? We go through a newspaper from Bernadette, David History, picked that up at night. I'm Dave Anthony.

I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it. Neither is this week's guest, the great Will Anderson, who we've been waiting to have back, like I've been waiting to have my biopsy results from my back.

Yeah, I will say this. This has not been the early call.

This has been in the works since the newspaper we're going to be talking about today was actually published.

This was originally a topical podcast when you asked me to do it.

Yeah.

Well, it's not about my biopsy results. Hi, Will.
Hello. Welcome back.

It's good to see you both. We miss you.
Thank you. Thanks.
How have you been? I'm good. I'm good.
I'm really good.

We were in, I'm in Sydney at the moment, and in the last couple of days, there's been massive storms off the coast of Australia. So, like, you know, flights were grounded all over the place.

The weather seems to be changing for some reason that no one can identify. So,

anyway, if you guys have any notes on why that might be happening, if you could pass those down, that'd be very handy. I can't think of it.
You tried removing health care from the citizens?

That's been going pretty good for us.

We've been doing pretty good with that move yeah well i mean i think that really puts it back on the citizens to take more care of themselves right yeah like if you've got no safety net you concentrate more on that tightrope walking that's what i'm always saying here's what's great is uh my biopsy results um

i had the biopsies taken when i had health care and i've since lost it so that can be interesting i mean that's what they were calling about maybe that's why they were calling early they're like we've got two more weeks of this where we can get you in before this all is rushed through or

we're just going to remove the moles regardless we don't care just come in we'll whip them all out cancerous or not this is your last chance they've all got to go really what i should have done in retrospect they're probably just like you have to pay a fee for a results fee

if you'd like to know um

oh no they don't do that uh you're gonna be in montreal is this true yeah this is true that's as close to america as i'm comfortable at the moment. Get on this way.
Come on, Miss Wigga.

Yeah, you've never said anything about Trump. Come in.

Come here.

Don't be scared. Load up your phone with your phone with all your memes and head over.

Get over here.

Yes, I am going to be at the Montreal Just for Last Festival. July 25th, I'm doing my solo show, Will Legitimate.

So if there is any listeners in that part of the world who want to come along, that would be great. We do big in Montreal.
So this is you're going to see a bump.

But I just can't help but think that it would really help if you came here to do an in-person visit. That's right.
That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,

I'd love that. I would absolutely love that.

Die with us.

It's so funny.

My flight on the way back goes through America. Oh.

Where?

Well, it's okay. Not technically through America, if you know what I mean.

We never leave.

as long as I don't turn left at the airport and keep going right, I'm still so safe. But I will technically be in America.
There's a fee for that. You got to pay a fee.
It's $8 to just fly by.

Got to buy a submarine. It'll be $25 billion.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck. It's so bad.

Does everyone there realize how bad it is? You must. You must just be like.

Does Does everyone? Yes, because

you were our only plan. We've got more invested in America than America has.

We're

like a... predominantly English colonized country in the middle of Asia.
Like China could invade Australia with the kids who played drums at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.

They'd be like,

we're getting the band back together and we're taking over Sydney by Monday.

We have bought like 20 submarines from America that are meant to be delivered in 20 years from now. And for me,

yeah, it's not a good idea to publicly announce the timeline. Unless you're saying it's 20 years, then it's actually 10 years.
Because

the absolute funniest thing that China could do is just wait until the week before they arrive.

Do you know what I mean? Like, as they hear they're coming over, just like, all right, we'll take them now. Plus, we get those 20 new subs.
Hey!

What the fuck?

Sorry, no.

Well,

it's good to talk to you. It just, it's been too long, and we thought maybe you were sitting there thinking America was doing well, but I guess we've had that shattered up.
No, no, no.

I mean, we're fully invested in America, like, you know, to our absolute detriment. So please pull it together.
We've got our thesis.

It's like investing in Enron. It's just not a good idea.
Yeah, Enron the country turns out not great.

It's been Enron.

Well, people, where can people get tickets to your show, Will? Did you already say that? Comedia.com.au or like go to the Montreal website. I'm sure.

Okay. All right.
And we'll be flying over America. So that'll be great.
So, Will, I don't know. I don't know.

The show's changed a lot. Because

you were maybe on the second episode or something. Yeah.
Yeah.

The show's just changed a ton.

Now we guess what year this paper could be from, and you get to guess first because Dave is going to tell me that I got it wrong no matter what. So, you can take first crack at it, Dave.

Don't even talk. What are you talking?

Dave,

go ahead, Will. Uh, 1802.
It's a great guess. It's a great guess.
I'm going to guess this is going to be an Australian paper, so I think that's fair. And I'll go 1849.

Nope.

Will wins. It's 1858, and it is the Syracuse Daily Courier and Nation.
And the reason that Will wins is because of your just

grotesquely confident spouting that it would be an Australian paper. What a...
That's not wrong. I just was telling you.

It's just so proposed.

The contest was the year, and I was closer. Well, you took yourself down, though, didn't you? At some point, it becomes not about the year.
Whatever. It becomes whatever.

Look, we don't want hey we have company could you keep it together while we have a guest

christ he hasn't been on the show for four years

get it together the syracuse daily courier and union syracuse new york saturday may 1st 1858 will have you ever been to syracuse No, I don't think so. Where's the shithole?

It's upstate New York, kind of middle-ish New York, the state. Yep.
I've performed it there, Funnybone, a few times, and they call it the the Murder Mall.

The Murder Mall? Yeah, things are good. Because people get shot there all the time? Yeah, multiple murders.

Here's a fun, just quick Americana story. The first time I went there, my numbers were real bad, and I was kind of feeling bad.
And then

I just started, like, people on Twitter were like, I'm braving it to the murder mall to go see Gareth. And I was like, what?

And the club was on the fourth floor of the mall, and there had been a shooting there the weekend before. So like people were a a little skittish.

And I go to the club, and the guy who was the manager at the time, he was like, Sure, you heard about the shooting last week.

I want you to know the club is the safest place to be if there is another one. And I was like, What? Because I was like, You're on the fourth floor, like, impossibly not the safest place.

He goes, My wife and I both open Carrie,

so you don't need to go anywhere. And I was like, Cool, all right.
Well, good vibe. I'm excited for the weekend.
This is great. Wow, well, first of all, Murdermole is my favorite Oasis song.

So I've got to put that on there.

And I

will say that just when you said there's so many murders at the mall, because I still have that Australian mindset, my brain didn't immediately go to, of course, the most obvious answer, which is somebody went into the mall with a gun and started shooting people.

Like in my head, I still had like the Midsummer Murders British Mystery Vibe where I'm like, there's been a poisoning in the food court.

No.

No,

it's just murders, actual shootings.

Somebody bought a sausage roll with foraged mushrooms, and now 18 people have gone down near the KFC.

Nobody's leaving it until we figure out who's done this. No, actually, Brad, Brad got executed outside of the men's restroom for looking at a guy weird.
So it's a little bit weird.

All right, free

Are the police going to show up?

They shot an innocent guy.

Oh, Lord. This is not.

But also, don't eat the food. It can't kill you.
My God,

what is this?

Why is this so full? I don't know.

We kind of stopped caring about everything.

I was thinking that it was Mr. Plum in the library with a candlestick.
And this is just this city? No, this is literally everywhere you go in this country now. What?

What?

Also, the libraries are closed.

Also, what's a library? Ethic, I'm going to be sick.

A lot of the time when you're in Australia, they will say audiences in America are good comedy audiences. You know, like they know how to be an audience, they know how to behave as an audience.

But I think something we've never taken into account is they're also just grateful that they've survived by making it to the comedy club.

And, you know, they know that they might not survive making it home again. So you might as well stand and applaud at the end.
Yeah, absolutely.

There's a, and, and there's just an energy, like, there's an energy to being like, I don't think anyone's shooting at this show.

Like when you get halfway through it, you're like, I got a pretty good feeling that guy would have already shot.

That was a good hour where we did not die. I don't don't feel that threatened.

It is amazing that a comedian has not been shot on stage at this point, though. Oh, yeah, but you know, there's somebody out there who wants to be to go viral.

Like, you know, that the next Matt Rife just is one shooting away.

Like, if you are wounded on stage, I mean, Jim Jeffries had been a huge UK comedian for ages, but didn't become an international star until he was like, remember, he got punched on stage and it went viral of him being punched on stage.

And then he kind of became this huge international act off the back of it.

You can't tell me if somebody, I mean, you don't obviously don't want to kill shot, but if you like, if one of your jokes was so good, someone popped you in the shoulder, you can't tell me that doesn't get you a Saturday Night Live hosting slot.

Well, and what we're in the sling, all sketches still in the sling. That's right.
What we should be doing is prepping for our line after we get shot right now to show the quick one, too. Yeah.

You know, I'm just like, well, my jokes didn't hit, but that did, you know,

whoa, you know,

it's depressingly fun. We'll be there in no time, Will.
We, we've definitely will be there. So get ready.
Ready the couch.

Oh, yeah, you just mean you and Dive coming to site. That's okay.
I thought you meant the Americans coming to invite.

That comes 10 years later.

Don't worry. We can't get it together.
When you guys are like, save us from China. And we're like, all right, we'll invade you.
Wait.

We're moving in. That's how we're saving it.

All right, Dave, let's start the premise then. All right.

Last week near Bainbridge, Chenango County, there was found under an old stone wall an overcoat of a fashion worn some 40 years ago and a pair of old rifle pistols with flint locks. It's exciting.

That's a hairstyle. It's a mystery.

The stone wall is some 40 to 50 years old and stood near where a public house was kept many years ago. This discovery will probably lead to a panic.

Are you allowed to predict panics like that?

Why would it lead to a panic? No, that was how.

Why would that lead to a panic?

But also,

even the idea of predicting a panic through the medium of newspaper. Like, a panic seems more immediate than, like, I'm just taking this straight down to the printers, and then the panic will ensue.

Hopefully, it hasn't started by the time they print.

Panic predicted.

This paper from Wednesday is talking about the panic we did on Monday. Yeah, like it's a cold front.

It just missed us.

It hit Albany.

um the ootian herald says a laboring man who was spading a gentleman's garden

oh i thought he was gonna say cat yeah i thought so too i really thought that's the direction it was going in there you go a chest

you need me to desex this garden mate

uh

at steuben street cornhill to his surprise was struck upon a human skull. Oh.
Wake

the last story, they found a coat. Yeah.
On further investigation, the skeleton, apparently, of a full-sized man was dug out. Oh.

So they found more than a skull. The skull was just the tip of the rest of the body, it turns out.

Yes. Yeah.

Holy shit, there's more.

Wouldn't you write the story as they found a

skeleton found? I mean, it's a real teaser, isn't it?

They found a skull and they also found a neck and they found a couple of shoulders and you'll never believe what they found next where's three a where's three

how it came there is a mystery which has not been solved

well yeah that's what happens when you find a body like man died immediately no The place had been occupied as a garden for some years, and the body must have been buried there a long time ago.

The skeleton was in a good state of preservation and no fractures.

No fractures were observed. I think it's just Keith.

Well, okay. So they really had a good look.

Yeah. And

I mean, there's not much more to that except for body found in Garden. But

they really stretched that one out quite a bit. Well, I mean, it's 1850.

No predictions of panics, though. Like it feels far.
It feels like this one's been there for a while. No one's going to panic.
This is also before headlines. They didn't have headlines.
Although

this might be my doctor.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Hello?

Hi, this is Marlon with our electric heating and dare. I'm reaching out in regards to the appointment that had been requested for today.

I've been trying to get a hold of you, but I haven't been able to get a hold of you in regards to confirming.

I wanted to see if by any chance

you were available either tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon. Sure, tomorrow afternoon's great.
I'm just waiting on a biopsy.

Okay, perfect. No worries.
We'll see you tomorrow afternoon. All right, appreciate it.
Thank you. Bye-bye.

Nothing.

Yes.

A biopsy, you say. Oh, well, that's fantastic.
So you'll be here tomorrow afternoon.

will you be alive then all right take care then is the hating still going to be an issue

couldn't give a shit should call back i'm a little freaked out

sorry sir

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Mattress side.

Here we go. That's when you kill a bunch of mattresses.
Yeah, we got you.

Hold on.

We're not both necessary. Now, it's

seen that way, really.

Why'd you bring two?

Well, one's kind of more of a box bring.

The Panama Star of the 18th says that on the Panama, so now we're getting Panama news. Okay.

Unless Panama is a town in New York. Sure.

The Panama Star of the 18th says that on the previous Thursday evening, two young girls were brought into town from Pedora and delivered up to authorities charging with murdering their mother under the following circumstances.

Oh, okay.

The girls wish to go to a Fandango.

Oh, yeah.

Related. You know,

even in Australia, you you know what a fandango is, right? Well, from I know what a fandango is from obviously the Queen song that mentions a fandango. There you go.

And asks, and poses the question, can you do the fandango?

But I was, that I was always thought that the fandango was like some sort of dance or something based on the context clues from oh, it's a it's a party. So when he says, can you do the fandango?

He's like, can you come to the fandango? It's a fandango, it's a dance.

It's a lively portuguese dance

all right right and their and their mother refused her consent

notwithstanding which they managed to get away and returned at an early hour in the morning all right so they did what girls do young young ladies snuck out they went to the fandango that's right

on reaching home the mother attempted to correct them Angry words ensued, and one of the girls struck the old woman to the ground with a stick. Boom.
That's how you do it. Yeah.

How I murdered my mother. Great show.

Who's grounded now?

Who's grounded, bitch?

Who's in the ground?

You're going in the garden like the other one.

Just like dad.

These girls love the Fendang.

Whilst the other plunged a knife into her bosom. Well, Jesus Christ.

Why not? This is more of a stabbing than anything. Yeah.

A younger sister who was present alarmed the neighbors, and the two murderesses were arrested and brought into Panama and delivered up to authorities. Wow.

Jesus. I mean, you know, they wanted to go to the party.
Fandango's the Devil's Dance. I think we're all in a.

You know, they showed their mother who's boss. Right.

Now she knows. The old club.
I mean, she doesn't because she's dead, but she. They went clubbing twice.

In a way. They were kind of two Fandangos, weren't they? Yeah.

Teach your mom to speak up. I like it.
Yeah, I'm for it. USA.

USA. This may be our America showing, but yeah, kill your moms.

Obviously, in Australia, you know, we have the Fandingo, which is just a twist on that.

But you do have to watch out if it takes. Of course you do.
And it's a chocolate.

Bloody tie, Stacy.

The most singular coincidence is mentioned in relation to the lamented Dudley Ting,

whose death in consequence of an accident making amputation of the arm necessary, all our readers know.

A lot of death early in this one. Yeah, we're really getting into it.
So, but hang on, his death resulted in the amputation of his arm? Is that what they just said? Because that's

like

a death in consequence of an accident. Right.
So

the arms come off and then the death has happened.

I hope. I do like going the other way, though.

His arms are going to have to come off

to get him in the coffin. Yeah.
That's right. We've made the coffin slightly too small.

The good news is we have a solution. Can we just fold the stairs? He will never be able to do the arm movements from the Fandango again.
He was days of Fandango and go done.

Hey, boss, can we just fold the arms on top like that? No, no, no. We'll take them off.
We got it.

We'll keep him in the box. We can put him down near the feet.
There we are. Yep, exactly.
There we go.

he's still all in there there we go

just kind of stack him a little bit that's

an afterlife i'm sure they can reattach them yeah we go that's nice that's good

kurto guy up in heaven i can't put these back on

um

The last sermon preached in Jane's Hall by Mr. Ting was from the text, Show Thyself a Man.

At the close of his earnest remarks,

he asked pardon if he had said anything to offend any member of his congregation, and added, quote, I must tell my master's errand and would rather that his right arm were amputated at the trunk.

What?

So he said, is anybody offended? Uh-huh.

And if anybody offends angel, age-lord comedian of the time, he's like, oh, he's not saying anything anymore.

I'm canceled, am I? Anyway, I'll be on a 150-day tour.

I can't cut a man's arm off after he's passed away.

I must tell my masters, Aaron, would rather that he, that his right. Oh, so he's saying that, you know,

rather than offending you, I would rather my arms get cut off, basically. Oh, yeah, okay.
And then his arms were cut off.

Well, at the same time, laying his left hand upon his right arm at the very place it was afterwards cut off. Oh, okay.
Yes, right. So later he's had to have his arm cut off.

And earlier in the day in his speech at church, he's been talking about the fact that he would rather have his arms cut off. And then later on, his arms have been cut off.
Right.

Wow. Right.
so that is a story

yeah it's something holy

gosh god was like

god was like yeah you were like i told you that you were good and uh you you pushed it you pushed it you could have just done the bad sermon and moved on but you had to push it kid and uh

you know

god's up there with the list that with the transcript he's like it says right here mate right here you literally said out loud in church the place where i'm always listening it was hyperbole

I'm sorry. Yeah, and by the way, I can't put this bag on.
Like, I've tried.

It's a huge marketing move.

A man named Charles Menor, an adopted son of George Hosteter, proprietor of the Tremont House, while walking on the railroad track on Thursday afternoon, was

run over by the switch engine

and had his arm broken in five places and his hand badly mutitated mut mutilated

well so he didn't really get run over I mean kind of kind what's a switch what's the switch I guess I guess if you're you can fall under a train and based on based on all the films I've seen yeah you can and just like lay low and it'll go over you but he must have had his arm out his arm out it took and earlier that die he'd been talking about the fact that he loved trains so much he was willing to lose lose an arm for once.

This man has an arm epidemic.

Gentlemen, I am begging you to stop saying you blankety blank or cut off my arm. I'm begging you.
If it keeps happening, I'll cut my arm off. No, no, no, Phil.

A bear! A bear!

Wow!

Why did he just take my arm?

The mortician comes in and he goes, look, we didn't mention it at the time, but that skull skull we found in the garden, no arms.

Whoa.

Wait a minute.

So, like, they find a man who's like, like, gone around this town, taking everybody's arms and fashion them into something sort of like he wants to be the human spider or something.

Like, it's got like it's me, the millipede. Jesus Christ, Barry.
The fuck?

Aha!

You all laughed at me when I said I could millipede myself 10 years ago, but I've been taking arms one by one and turning myself into the millipede.

The human millipede. The human millipede.
I've been up without ridicule over the ages. It's very clear what this means.
I'm the man with a million legs, and that's it.

Barry, I got to be honest, we're probably going to ridicule you more now.

He got all these arms dangling off his head. I eat his lettuce.
What?

I'm in your gardens at night.

Not so funny now, is it? My blood's greenish.

So.

Not sure what to do next because I kind of

never thought past this moment, but nobody's,

y'all aren't as freaked out as I am. I've been taking the arms of these citizens for 10 years.

Didn't you think it was strange that people, hold on, didn't you think it was strange that people were losing arms? Yeah, but we're totally desensitized to it. Like, we've seen so many arms come off.

Like, nobody here has an arm anymore.

Are any women attracted to my new form? I'm quite lonely. No.

Can I ask one follow-up question, please, human milipate? Did you ever consider taking any legs or just exclusively arms?

In retrospect, as far as movement goes, legs would have been wise.

Do millipedes have legs? Who knows? I was unable to really figure out what they are, to be honest. How many legs do they have? I mean, I'm only one guy or millipede.

Perry, a lot of those look like dog legs. Some are dog legs, summer table legs.

It's been pretty difficult, to be quite honest.

Is anyone here a bug doctor?

Some of them aren't taking in the way that I would hope.

All right. All right.
Well, good to see everybody.

I don't know.

We kind of just want to watch you walk out of town now.

I can't walk too far.

okay,

it's one of the thousand issues I've come up with, honestly. Hey, Barry, yeah, cats, is that a woman?

All right,

like, like half of them went up. That was crazy, yeah.
That kind of, it's kind of cool in a way,

yeah, see,

not so crazy now, am I?

Do any women have their hands up? I'm trying to kind of scam the guy. Can the guys

will the the guys duck so I can see the potential? Someone's got to want it.

Come on.

Come on. You ever done it, Millie style?

It's where you lay under me and

hello.

All right. I will see you guys.
I am going to get out of here.

Did I even read this end part? Surgeons were sent for who amputated his arm close to his body. Did I even get to that? I don't think I got to that part.
No.

Wow.

But that's fun, too.

You put it on his neck.

There we go. Perfect.
A perfect match.

Settled. The dispute as to whether Miss Fremont's name is Jesse or Ann has been decided by the like that she didn't weigh in.

Right. By the publication of her father, Colonel Benton's will.
Her name is jesse jesse and

jesse

oh

so that both parties in this important controversy were right and both were wrong important controversy this was big every

talk around town that jesse ann was called jesse or ann and nobody could work out whether her name was anne or jesse and it turns out in her father's will

it it's jesse ann

it's like a gender reveal but in a will yeah it's a real um

steep drop-off from all the murder stories, isn't it?

Hey, who is that guy in the garden? We don't know, but her name is Jesse Ann. Isn't that crazy?

As soon as the Millipede guy walks out of town, they're like, now back to this Jesse Ann.

One side of the town starts sending Jesse, the other one's Jenny Ann.

We'll find anything to divide us.

We just like being right or wrong and angry. We don't actually care.

A deadly color. The new Azoff green of the Paris spring fashions is dyed with such poisonous materials

that the seamstresses who prick their fingers while sewing it lose the use of their hands. Holy shit.

And the leaves. They lose the use of their hands.

Hands again. Yeah, back to the hands.

It feels like the editor of this paper has like the kind of reverse Quentin Tarantino thing.

You know, he's always got like close-ups of feet in his stuff. This was like, yes, and then here's another story about something that happened to a hand.

Have I told you anything about the time I saw a woman put her finger in soup?

This is a paper. I know, but I don't.

Wow. She burned.
I asked if I could lick it. Sir? I don't know.

How great are arms?

And ladies have been taken violently ill from wearing shawls of this color. So we've got to, this is so,

this really is so American, even though this is outside of American. But the idea of like, a color will kill you, but people are like, but I love it.
It's so great. It's so radium, too.

The last line is, the tint is very brilliant. It's beautiful.
It's beautiful. So worth it.
Where did you get this? She's dead, sir.

How'd she die? Die.

She died.

It was right there in the name. It was the time to die.
I know she's dead, but how did she die? Die. Hang on, is this a bit?

I'm a new coroner. Now, this woman's died.
She did. She was died and she's died.

She did die, and now she's died. From? She previously died, and she died from the die.
She's dead, though. Yeah, she died.
Died, yeah. From

the die.

What was the die? From the diarrhea. Oh, God.
She died.

And she died.

She died area.

Didarria.

A word to parents.

The sad accidents which have occurred on the line of the railroad in this city within a few days past induce us to offer a few words of admonition to the parents and guardians of children.

There is a recklessness and want of care manifested on the part of children in this city. Yeah.

Yeah. Children are so greedy.
I just, when kids are reckless, I don't.

Which is utterly shocking to witness. They run heedlessly into danger without a single thought or manifesting the least regard for life.
They are stupid.

I mean,

as the trains pass our window every day, we behold with horror, little boys hanging on to the sides of the freight trains and the platforms of the cars.

Well, yeah, they're boys. Sure.
It's literally their job. That's their job.

You do crazy shit when you're a boy. Sure.
So you're a boy.

Yeah, I mean, there was literally a story in the Melbourne papers this week about like the fact that like kids are still running on the top of the trains like all around Melbourne and stuff and how dangerous this is and I saw like in New York they're apparently like yeah running on top of trains it's apparently it's big on TikTok so yes not much has changed since the 1840s because it turns out that now you can pretty much do the exact same thing and whack it on your TikTok

I mean Because yeah, I've seen that and I've seen news shows on it where like they because kids are like paralyzed and shit because they ran into a tunnel wall or whatever.

And they're and their friend, and they're just like, don't do it to their friends. And their friends like, but I got it, but I got the juice, man.
I got to do it.

It's very, hey, you only live once.

Sure.

I get it. The dollop, though, sorry, the pastimes does not, uh, it does not promote.
train running and topping. The dollop does, though.

We should point out the dollop is super into children jumping and running on trains. Yeah, it's a, it's a complex.
it's the american spirit that's right

and please fettered and please as we say on the dollop if you're going to jump from rooftra to roof train carry a gun yeah do it loaded locked and loaded

absolutely or don't or just have it out in your hand

uh

they jump off and on at discretion notwithstanding the vigilance of the conductor and those in charge who have strict injunctions to drive them off seeing this as we do from our office window daily, our only surprise is that more of these foolish boys are not killed than there are.

We would suggest to Perry. Perry feels a bit disappointed.
I've got to say

so many of them are living.

We're looking out the window, really hoping to see one go down. We saw one guy, like one guy, lose one arm.
That's it. That's all we've seen.
Did someone lose an arm? God damn it, Barry.

Hey, I'll take it.

We know.

Where's Jesse Ann?

I will have a wife. The millipede needs a queen.

We would suggest to parents the necessity of cautioning their children against

this truly dangerous practice and in such strong terms that it will be remembered.

If parents would enforce this, there would be little cause for recrimination between citizens of Washington Street and the railroad company, and accidents would become few and far between.

Let parents and guardians adopt the suggestion by all means. Yeah.
Why doesn't the train slow down when it gets to town?

That's no fun.

Why are you barreling through?

We got to keep it moving. I'm just saying, why are you barreling through? Because time is money, baby.
USA.

All right. What's more important, getting somewhere on time or your son? Exactly.

Yeah, you put it that way.

The trophies secured by the English upon the fall of the city of Acanton were of some value, but the gain of the English was no comparison to the loss suffered by the Chinese.

For very little, besides the powder, rockets, and blue lights, are of any practical value to the British Army. The stink pots mentioned cannot be used by any civilized nation.

What?

This took a weird turn. Stink pots?

Stink pots. Yep.

Still, the question, I think, is valid.

I mean, are we talking about the sort of things you could order from a comic book when you were little? Like

X-ray specs and

please? Like stink pots.

Like, were we using stink pots in battle?

Do stink pots mean something else other than what I think it means?

I don't think it can mean anything else. It's just got to be a stink pot.
A smelly pot? Yeah.

The odious missiles are said to be offensive beyond. Odious missiles.
I love odious missiles. One of my favorite bands

are said to be offensive beyond human endurance, indescribably so, as testified to those who have had the misfortune to come in contact with them. It is.

It's a historical weapon,

an earthenware pot filled with noxious materials used in warfare. Right.
Yeah.

Yeah. What do you put on?

All the arms that you didn't.

Yeah. Huh?

They are placed in a small float just large enough to contain them.

And the man who is to manage the offensive operation, they are then allowed to float with the tide until the proper position near the side of the ship is attained, which is always in the night.

And the match is then fired.

And if all works well, the hideous missile is landed on the ship's deck, and the efflubium is so offensive and powerful that no human lungs can inhale it for one moment, and an immediate stampede must take place.

It's got sulfur, gunpowder, nails,

and noxious materials. So it's just

general whatever we can find.

A bit of a whatever.

It's a real

dim sim approach of just like mystery meets of just combined it all together. We'll just do the chicken nuggets of warfare.
Whatever we've got here, we'll just chuck in and blend up.

It was just a simple idea. It was like, it'll be smelly.
And someone's like, we should put nails in it. It was like, we're getting away from the original pitch.

And glass.

Basically, it is just something that stinks that you can light on fire that you shoot at your enemy, right?

So it's the equivalent of somebody like putting a shit in a brown paper bag and lighting it on fire outside somebody's door. That's basically what they were doing-a warfare version of that.

But, how much better is that weapon on the porch if you put a bunch of nails in it? Yeah, just put some nails in there, Jesus Christ. My fart,

my fletch cut.

Got him, got him, bam, got his ass

t-talk 2030.

Oh, man.

Just falling over after he stops the shit out of me. He's down.

Also, that shit will give him a terrible infection. He's so infected now, dude.

Your foot is fucked, man.

Yeah.

Yeah. Enjoy the next six weeks, motherfucker.
It's over. It's burned, hold, infected, and won.

The poor creature whose duty it is to execute this Chinese mandate does so at the sacrifice of his life.

Oh, that's interesting.

So it's a maybe to

mention.

The annexed are the items. Quote, at the capture of Canton, 430 guns were found in the city, 300,000 pounds of powder, 5,000 rockets, 2,000 blue lights, 3,000 stink pots, and 6 tons of bullets.
Wow.

A letter from China estimates the loss of lives by the bombardment of Canton at 10,000.

Wow. Jesus Christ.
So

we sound horrible.

The white. I assume this is Britain, right?

Because they were always

was it, or was it done to Britain?

No, it wasn't done to Britain. The Chinese never attacked it.
Oh, then it is cool. Oh, thank God.
Yeah, English army, English Army upon the fall of the city of fucking

on,

yeah.

So, you got a yellow stink pot, haven't you? Yeah, that'll teach you. Knock it off,

yeah,

could see one of those at like a Premier League game. Fucking hell, someone's done a stink pot, paw.

Yeah.

The body of a murdered schoolmaster is said to have been found on the road not long since with his head full of fractions.

Oh, that's he was studying math. I don't know what that is.
You're not able to like in the blood are just like decimals. He was thinking math.

That would be so fucking great if you bludgeoned someone, their thoughts thoughts spilled out. Oh my god.
Oh, that'd be the best.

Look at this.

But then many more people are going to get away.

You know, Peter Thiel's working on that.

I feel like this is just the work of somebody who was so wrapped with the fact that the priest who was talking about wanting to lose his arms lost his arms that they're like, you know what?

We're just putting everybody's job into this bit. Like,

the maths guy was murdered. He was thinking about maths.

There was quadratic equations spilled all around him.

There's just a bunch of X's and equals signs over here, sir. This man was a teacher.

Officer Eagle has in his possession at the police office a copper boiler. taken from a boy who had probably stolen it on Friday last.

The boiler is a good one, and the owner can have it by applying at the police office. Wow.
Yeah. Yeah, that's my,

yeah, that's my

boiler, actually. Yeah.
What did it? There's an inscription on it. What did it say? Yeah, it said,

oh, you first.

Yeah, you say, you know what? Actually, you say what it says, and I'll tell you if it's my boiler based on that. Copper boiler.
Yeah, copper boiler. Yeah, yeah, copper boiler.
Yeah, yeah. Yep.

For boiling coppers. Well, probably the wrong time to bring it up, but uh,

sorry, excuse me,

murder police,

murders, a lot of police. How did they catch you? Well,

it all started with the boy. This guy's a hell of a detective.
Never should have brought in in the pressure.

That's my first mistake. I put a boy on, and he stole the boiler

moving day. we presume all our readers who have changed their location the 1st of May have already found out that last Saturday was moving day.

What a bore is this moving out.

What with upsetting furniture, cracking mirrors, breaking crockery, tearing up carpets, crosswives, squalling children, and cold dinners, it is enough to put the patience of several jobs to the test.

We notice at many private residences Saturday that preparations were being made to move out. It was a busy day.
And if it had proved a rainy May Day, woe to husbands and wives and woe to the help.

So they're just saying moving sucks. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I feel like this feels more like your

editorial slash opinion piece about like the issue of the day. Like it's got a real sort of like, what is the deal with moving? Why is moving so hard? How bad is moving?

And if it rains,

way more. That's what I'm saying.
If I got a paper for you, you're gonna have to sift through 40 arm articles.

What? Just keep reading. So, there is a lot of murder in today's papers.
Don't worry.

We'll get to the moving stuff. It's right at the end there.

They found a man in the garden. Keep reading.

Who's the millipede? Good, just get that one.

You know how it is with moving day when you've got to move your couch and your chair and all those bodies.

You know who could really help on a day of moving?

The millipede.

That guy's like a weird Grendel guy that lives up in the hill.

You know how it's hard in this town to actually get anyone to help you move because everybody's arms have been removed for some reason.

Well, it's going to be hard to get all this stuff out of here. The guy took our arms.
Well, well, well, well, well.

Comes crawling back. Not so crazy now.

You're the one crawling back.

Well, come on.

That was such a cheap shot, man.

I'm not crawling. Come on now.
That's crawling. I would call that crawling.

Can I finish?

You can rent me to help you move. Why would I want a crawlopede to help me move? Not a crawlopede millipede, asshole.

All right, listen, there's been a whole baseline of disrespect cooking through this town in a bad way lately. All right,

there are any women around here. No, there's no women.
Stay away from the women. Why? I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to the women. Yeah, stay away from the women and stay away from the children.

We think you might be a millie pedophile.

Come on now.

Come on now. That's not cool.
Now, let's just stop those rumors right right now.

I would never.

Good God.

Are those rabbit legs? Yeah, some of them are feet.

What?

And there's a chicken and one. I sold a frog to me, too.

But

I never touched a youth.

That's disgusting. Wait, there was a state.
No, I did not.

You got like 30 farm animals hanging off you at this. It's just

guys,

can anyone move further than a man with like 800 legs of varying species? I mean, look at me. I would say a lot of people can move.
You're incredibly slow.

I'm pretty fast considering what I've been through.

Do you understand how hard this is to live like this?

You did it to yourself.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

What if we all moved in together?

And we shared our wives.

Come on.

Pool our wives. Come on.
Absolutely not. It's close.
All right. All right.

Then maybe we just start a campaign to take some of these off of me. What? No.

Now you don't want the elves? Well, or we add more. Do you guys think it's cool? No,

all right. Let's go.

I cannot tell you how bad you smell. Yeah, look,

look, look.

You're like a human stink pot.

Say,

hey, you know what? Let's add some nails. No,

I can't reach back there. Get away from back there.

They just nail him to a fence. Oh, real

Hilarious.

Oh, we're still on moving day.

Right. We noticed at private residences Saturday that preparations were being made to move out.
It was a busy day. Oh, Ari the Rain.
We fear the indulgence in strong adjectives and strong,

well, we mean the free use of a strong pump handle would seriously affect the numbers in attendance at our city churches yesterday. But keep your temper, and all be well for another year at least.

I mean, so moving days over, and it's good, maybe it's a who cares. Uh, who cares? Yeah, was there, was there specifically a day in which people moved house? Like, was it a horse's birthday situation?

Yes,

uh, May, I think

I think it was May 1st. Everybody in every city moved all at once.
It was

every lease ended, and you had to move and everybody moved on the same day. Everybody moved.
Hold on. Can we.

What happened back there, Will? Well, a horse's birthday situation.

Is that not a common thing?

Do you not know that all horses have the same birthday, right? Will, what's going on? What are we going to do?

Should we stop recording? Are you okay?

What's going on?

That all horses have the same birthday. August the 1st or something, I believe.

and horses.

And you were raised on a farm, correct? Yeah.

Are we sort of doing an adult Santa reveal right now?

All horses have the same birthday.

This is...

Is this not a real thing? Oh, you know what?

I've just Googled it. And how's this?

In Australia, all horses celebrate their birthday on August the 1st.

I did not know that this was not an international thing.

I just assumed it was a thing that happened everywhere in the world. But it turns out, just in Australia, we...

August 1st is horses birthday.

I swear to God. God, this is the deal, okay? America completely failing.
And as soon as we're like, it's over for us, Australia will open its mouth and we'll all be like, wait, what?

What are you talking about?

Horses have August 1st.

The thing that I love the most about that is

I just delivered that so as if that was a fact that everybody knew.

I was like, I didn't, I thought you were doing a bit where you didn't understand what I was talking about. And then I'm like, oh, no, no, no.

It turns out just my country has decided that all horses, out of convenience, that

all horses should have the same birthday. All horses, it just does.
How did it even start?

I don't know.

I think it's for racing and like that, like, you know, because of horse racing and stuff. There's no justification that is going to work, by the way.

You can keep trying, but wherever you're headed right now. Well, it's based on racing.
Oh, oh, okay. Oh, that helps.

Did you have horses on your farm growing up?

No, we didn't have horses on Farm. Oh, horses.
Okay, here's what it says. It's all about simplifying things.

Horses at a race are grouped by their age, and having one universal birthday makes it easy to organize competitions.

I don't even understand what that means. That's insane.

It's so funny how it keeps. Yes, all thoroughbreds have the same birthday.

So it's just a couple of guys like, stop with the fucking math.

Oh, holy shit. Well,

not since

you dropped Chinese whispers as something is crazy like this happened on Australia. Now, that one's racist, but also you guys come up with some weird shit.

All horses have the same. Dave was like, exactly.
So,

holy fuck. Wow.
Okay. Well,

oh, just when you thought moving day wasn't weird.

Well, I mean, horse birthday is coming up, guys.

What's everyone getting every horse?

What a long Australian horse birthday. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday.

I mean, it's better than having to log on to Horsebook every day to see

which horse has their birthday and then send them a generic message to their horsebook page that they will probably never read.

They'll scroll past it the best of times and you're like, why are you doing this? Whereas we have one day, horse birthday.

True. I mean, if you don't think about it, it makes sense.

Racebook's a different thing.

I'm actually like a good race book right now, and it's pretty alt-right.

It's actually very much like Facebook.

It was an easy transition.

They literally just took the little line off the earth and it was right there in front of our faces the whole time. It's pretty much the same, actually.

A curious circumstance is related in Lyons, France, a Lions France journal.

An old gentleman of some property in that city, Martin by name, was wounded in the side by a musket ball at the Battle of Jena and had to be carried off the field.

He was cured in about two months, but the ball could not be extracted. Oh, so he just got a metal ball's deep.

It's just weird to hear from Barry. Like, no one wants to hear that from Barry.

It, however, caused him to. I went to the bathroom.

I millipede. Hey.

Are any women chuckling? No.

All right. See you later.
It, however, caused him no serious inconvenience, though at times he felt it move a little.

A few days ago, a large boil arose on the side,

and he at last applied to it a poultice. Putis.
Putis.

Poultis. Pultis.
P-O-U-L-T-I-C-E.

Putisse. Poute.
Put.

I don't know. On removing it on Saturday Saturday last, the ball, to his astonishment, fell out after having been in his body for 52 years.

Oh, my God. That must have felt good.
Talking about a stink pot. Jesus, that thing was

awful. That must have been great.
That must have felt great. Oh, 52 years.
That's a long time to have a musket ball in your side.

Trust me.

What?

Yeah.

Just as Grimes.

My dad put one in my side when I was four. Here you go.
Now I know you're mine.

Damn. Okay, so this is okay.

So the headline here is distinguished visitors. And it's a list.

Our goodly little city was quite honored on Sunday by the visit of a party of distinguished chiefs and braves of the Dakota Nation.

And so the following are the names of the party.

One, the man who was struck by the Re

Two, the Smutty Bear.

What? The Smutty Bear. The Smutty Bear.
That's a word.

Yep.

I'm looking for smutty bears in my area.

I'm not a warrior per se.

What's your role in the drunk smutty bear?

Hey,

look at my dick. Let's just say I play cleanup.
Smutty Bear.

Was someone sitting here?

Smutty Bear. What?

The Mad Bull or Crazy Bull.

The Elk with a Bad Voice. Oh.

The standing elk, the Walking Elk,

the Leaping leaping thunder,

the iron horse. You know, I love just how uncreative they were around the elk stuff.
So, like, yeah, you're the you're the leaping elk. That's pretty good because you're leaping.

You're, I guess, you're standing. Yeah, you're standing elk.

Yeah, you're kidding.

What is my elk? Yeah, you're bad voice. You're a weird voice elk.
No, I'm fine. No, you're sounds funny elk.
That's what you are. Fire causes autism.

Keep your heads away from that open flame. I'll tell you what nation we're from, not Vexa Nation.

We're a people, too.

The leaping thunder, the iron horn, one who knocks down two.

Wow, that's pretty good. One who knocks down two.
Yeah,

that's really good. Yeah, yeah.

I am one who knocks down two. Yeah,

the fast bull,

the grabbing hawk.

I'm on probation.

Smutty bears and I get along great.

Smutty bear and the girls are washing clothes down by the river.

Let me help you wash. Let's get all of our clothes off while we wash them, right, girls?

Mind if I drink the river water where you washed?

Smutty bear. What?

Okay, if I just dip my balls in again,

we should swim over here. There's some poop.

Jesus Christ.

The little white swan.

The owl man.

Hello.

Spins his head around. Hi.
Who?

The white medicine cow that stands.

It's been a long road to get to my name.

And the last one is the pretty boy. Oh, the pretty boy.

Hi. The pretty boy.
Hey, fellas.

Hello. It's tough, though, when you're like, it's fine to be a pretty boy when you are a pretty boy, but it's so much pressure.

Like, like some of the other ones, you can just like, you know, smuddy bear can be smuddy bear for life.

Yeah, whereas for the pretty boy, there's like a you know, there's a ticking clock on being the pretty boy. Yeah, oh, for sure.
He's like 35, just like, hey, guys, what's up? Yeah, yeah,

hey, pretty boy.

Hi.

Mine eye won't close.

Jesus Christ, pretty boy. What?

Kind of cute. Isn't it endearing? Jesus Christ.
He stood too close to the fire.

Elk with Weird Voice, shut up. I'm just saying.

We should fire all the elders.

Oh, fuck. Well, we didn't get my biopsy results, but the results from this episode are in, and they're positively fun.

Sorry about that.

Will

people can see you in Montreal. Montreal is just for laughs.
Just for laughs. July the 25th.
We'll legitimate my solo show. Come along.
We'll legitimate.

You are. It's been too long.

Please come back soon.

And again, we're really open to you visiting America. I know for a while you were here.
hanging out. I don't know why it took off, but.
Hey, I don't know why you didn't stick around.

Seems like you left a little early, right?

I feel like the last time I talked to you on American soil, you said something like, My God, I have to get the fuck out of here. Yeah,

you know, you have plans not to come back to somewhere immediately where you send for your stuff. Like,

I'm not going back to get it myself. I'm getting someone who's already there to ship it to where I am.
Are you talking about David Gareth six months from now? Yeah.

I've already secured a place in Australia.

I'm already mailing my stuff.

I mailed all my stuff, and the address just said Australia, please.

And then I taped $400 on the front of the box.

Oh, fuck. All right.
Well, thank you for joining us, Will, and good luck in Montreal, and we'll see you soon in America. Thank you.
Lovely to talk to you.

Thank you for having me.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What could be better than seeing Gareth Reynolds do stand-up? Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information. I will be in Omaha on November 28th and 29th.

I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia on December 2nd, Seattle, Washington, December 3rd, Eugene, Oregon, December 4th. Then I will also be in Kansas City, Missouri doing a makeup show.

Come on, everybody. Shake off the new year, January 2nd, January 3rd.
And just announced I will be back in Portland, Oregon at Helium Comedy Club on February 6th and February 7th.

That's going to be a five-show weekend over two nights. So go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.
Join me.

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