133 - The Past Times with Wil Anderson

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 2 I promise you're gonna laugh.

Speaker 3 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 3 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 5 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Speaker 1 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 8 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 9 Terms apply.

Speaker 4 The first impression of your workplace shouldn't be a clipboard at reception. Sign In App turns check-ins into a moment of confidence for your team and your guests.

Speaker 4 Visitors, contractors, and staff can sign in by scanning a QR code, tapping a badge, or using an iPad in seconds.

Speaker 4 We handle the security, compliance, and recordkeeping behind the scenes, so you can focus on people, not paperwork. Enhance security without compromising visitor experience.

Speaker 4 Find out more at signinapp.com. That's signinapp.com.

Speaker 4 Hi, Karis. Um, so you were transferred over to me because you were waiting on some results? Yeah, some biopsy results.

Speaker 4 Um, you don't have your appointment until July 8th. I believe your results will be released then and there.
Did someone call you in regards to that? Yeah, they did.

Speaker 4 Oh, very strange. Okay, um,

Speaker 4 let me, because I unfortunately don't have access to the results. Let me go ahead and speak to someone, might be a different department, and then I'll go ahead and ask them to give you a call back.

Speaker 4 Is that okay? Okay, is it weird? Is it weird weird to get a call early?

Speaker 4 No, it just means that they were probably in earlier.

Speaker 10 I just have to identify which department tried reaching out to you so they can provide the results to you, okay?

Speaker 4 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 10 And then I have your first name and data birth. If you can please verify that.

Speaker 4 Gareth Reynolds.

Speaker 10 Perfect. Okay, you should be receiving a call, hopefully, before the end of today, okay?

Speaker 4 Okay, thank you. Thank you.
Take care. Bye.

Speaker 11 You're listening to pastimes. And by pastimes, I mean my ex-podcast host, Gareth Reynolds.

Speaker 4 If you could just provide me the road you grew up on and the name of your first pet, I think I have all the information I need to access your files.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 4 That was a letdown.

Speaker 4 Is there any reason that they might have called earlier? It would have been great if she'd just gone. Oh, yeah, they normally only call if it's bad news.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 That's bad. It's like, oh, you got an early call?

Speaker 4 Oh. Oh, you got the early call.
Oh,

Speaker 4 that's not great.

Speaker 11 I'm going to transfer you to the morgue.

Speaker 4 Oh, boy.

Speaker 4 Do you have a will? I do. He's waiting to do my podcast.

Speaker 4 Well, you can just explain to him on the record how you would like your assets divided after your death.

Speaker 4 Firstly, who gets Dave? That's very important.

Speaker 4 I think you do.

Speaker 4 Oh, no.

Speaker 4 What do we know about Dave? He's not a gremlin. Oh, no.

Speaker 11 That's debatable, honestly.

Speaker 4 I think the show started. Should we do an intro?

Speaker 4 Yeah, sure. You're listening to the pastimes.
You know what we do here each week. We go through a newspaper from Miranda, David to History, picked that up at another than Dave Anthony.

Speaker 4 I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it. Neither is this week's guest, the great Will Anderson, who we've been waiting to have back, like I've been waiting to have my biopsy results from my back.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I will say this. This has not been the early call.

Speaker 4 This has been in the works since the newspaper we're going to be talking about today was actually published. Yeah.

Speaker 4 This was originally a topical podcast when you asked me to do it.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, it's not about my biopsy results. Hi, Will.
Hello. Welcome back.

Speaker 4 It's good to see you both. We miss you.
Thank you. Thanks for watching.
How have you been? I'm good. I'm good.
I'm really good.

Speaker 4 I'm in Sydney at the moment, and in the last couple of days, there's been massive storms off the coast of Australia. So, like, you know, flights were grounded all over the place.

Speaker 4 The weather seems to be changing for some reason that no one can identify. So, Dave.

Speaker 4 Anyway, if you guys have any notes on why that might be happening, if you could pass those down, that'd be very handy. I can't think of it.
You tried removing health care from the citizens?

Speaker 4 That's been going pretty good for a while.

Speaker 4 Arn, we've been doing pretty good with that move.

Speaker 4 yeah well i mean i think that really puts it back on the citizens to take more care of themselves right yeah like if you've got no safety net you concentrate more on that tightrope walking that's what i've always said here's what's great is uh my biopsy results um

Speaker 4 i had the biopsies taken when i had health care and i've since lost it so that could be interesting i mean that's what they were calling about maybe that's why they were calling early they're like we've got two more weeks of this where we can get you in before this all is rushed through.

Speaker 4 We're just going to remove the moles regardless. We don't care.
Just come in. We'll whip them all out, cancerous or not.
This is your last chance. They've all got to go.

Speaker 4 Really, what I should have done in retrospect. They're probably just like, you have to pay a fee for a results fee,

Speaker 4 if you'd like to know.

Speaker 11 Oh, no, they don't do that.

Speaker 4 You're going to be in Montreal. Is this true? Yeah, this is true.
That's as close to America as I'm comfortable getting at the moment. It's this way.
Come on this way, guys.

Speaker 11 Yeah, you've never said anything about travel. Come here.

Speaker 4 Come in.

Speaker 4 Don't be scared.

Speaker 11 Load up your phone with your phone with all your memes and head over.

Speaker 4 Get over here.

Speaker 4 Yes, I am going to be at the Montreal just for last festival. July 25th, I'm doing my solo show, Will Legitimate.

Speaker 4 So if there is any listeners in that part of the world who want to come along, that would be great. We do big in Montreal.
So this is, so you're going to see a bump. um

Speaker 4 but i just can't help but think that it would really help if you came here to do an in-person visit that's right that's right

Speaker 4 yeah

Speaker 4 i'd i'd love i'd love that i would absolutely love that i'm

Speaker 4 die with us

Speaker 4 it's so funny my my flight on the way back goes through america oh where

Speaker 4 well it's okay not technically through america if you know what i mean like we never leave you yeah like as long as as long as I don't turn left at the airport and keep going right, I'm still safe.

Speaker 4 But I will technically be in America. There's a fee for that.
You got to pay a fee. It's $8 to just fly by.
Got to buy a submarine. It'll be $25 billion.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh, fuck. It's so bad.

Speaker 4 Does everyone there realize how bad it is? You must. You must just be like.

Speaker 4 Does everyone?

Speaker 4 Yes, because

Speaker 4 you were our only plan. We've got more invested in America than America has.
Like, we're

Speaker 4 like a predominantly English colonized country in the middle of Asia. Like, China could invade Australia with the kids who played drums at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.
They'd be like,

Speaker 4 we're getting the band back together and we're taking over Sydney by Monday. Like,

Speaker 4 we have bought like 20 submarines from America that are meant to be delivered in 20 years from now.

Speaker 4 And to me,

Speaker 4 yeah, it's not a good idea to publicly announce the timeline. Unless you're saying it's 20 years, then it's actually 10 years.

Speaker 4 Because the funniest, the absolute funniest thing that China could do is just wait until the week before they arrive.

Speaker 4 Do you know what I mean? Like, as they hear they're coming over, just like, all right, we'll take them now. Plus, we get those 20 new subs.
Hey!

Speaker 4 What the fuck?

Speaker 4 Sorry, no.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 4 it's good to talk to you. It just, it's been too long.
And we thought maybe you were sitting there thinking America was doing well, but I guess we've had that shattered up.

Speaker 4 No, no. I mean, we're fully invested in America, like, you know, to our absolute detriment.
So please pull it together. We've got our thing.

Speaker 11 It's like investing in Enron. It's just not a good idea.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Enron the country turns out not great.

Speaker 4 It's been Enron.

Speaker 4 Well, people, where can people get tickets to your show, Will? Did you already say that? Comedyer.com.au or like go to the Montreal website. I'm sure.

Speaker 4 Okay. All right.
And we'll be flying over America. So that'll be great.
So, Will, I don't know. I don't know.
The show's changed a lot because

Speaker 4 you were maybe on the second episode or something. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 The show's just changed a ton.

Speaker 4 Now we guess what year this paper could be from, and you get to guess first because Dave is going to tell me that I got it wrong no matter what. So you can take first crack at it.

Speaker 4 Dave, don't even talk.

Speaker 11 What are you talking?

Speaker 4 Dave,

Speaker 4 go ahead, Will.

Speaker 4 1802. It's a great guess.
It's a great guess. I'm going to guess this is going to be an Australian paper.
So I think that's fair. And I'll go 1849.

Speaker 4 Nope.

Speaker 11 Will wins. It's 1858, and it is the Syracuse Daily Courier and Nation.
And the reason that Will wins is because of your just

Speaker 11 grotesquely confident

Speaker 11 spouting that it would be an Australian paper. What a.

Speaker 4 That's not wrong. I just was telling you.

Speaker 11 It's just so.

Speaker 4 The contest was the year, and I was closer.

Speaker 11 Well, you took yourself down, though, didn't you? At some point, it becomes not about the year. Whatever.
It becomes whatever.

Speaker 4 Look, we don't want...

Speaker 4 We have company. Could you keep it together while we have a guest?

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ. He hasn't been on the show for four years.

Speaker 4 Get it together.

Speaker 11 The Syracuse Daily Courier and Union, Syracuse, New York, Saturday, May 1st, 1858. Will, have you ever been to Syracuse?

Speaker 4 No, I don't think so. Where is

Speaker 4 shithole?

Speaker 11 It's upstate New York, kind of middle-ish in New York.

Speaker 4 The state. Yep.
I've performed at their Funnybone a few times, and they call it the Murder Mall.

Speaker 4 The Murder Mall? Yeah. Things are good.

Speaker 11 Because people get shot there all the time.

Speaker 4 Yeah, multiple murders.

Speaker 4 Here's a fun, just quick Americana story. The first time I went there, my numbers were real bad, and I was kind of feeling bad.
And then

Speaker 4 I just like started, like people on Twitter were like, I'm braving it to the murder mall to go see Gareth. And I was like, what? And the club was on the fourth floor of the mall.

Speaker 4 And there had been a shooting there the weekend before. So like people were a little skittish.

Speaker 4 And I go to the club, and the guy who was the manager at the time, he was like, Sure, you heard about the shooting last week.

Speaker 4 I want you to know the club is the safest place to be if there is another one. And I was like, What? Because I was like, You're on the fourth floor.
Like, impossibly not the safest place.

Speaker 4 He goes, My wife and I both opened Carrie,

Speaker 4 so you don't need to go anywhere. And I was like, Cool.
All right. Well, good vibe.
I'm excited for the weekend. This is great.
Wow. Well, firstly, Murdermole is my favorite Oasis song.

Speaker 4 song so you've got to put that on the infra

Speaker 4 and i i will say that just when you said there's so many murders at the mall because i still have that australian mindset my brain didn't immediately go to of course the most obvious answer which is somebody went into the mall with a gun and started shooting people like in my head I still had like the Midsummer Murders British Mystery Vibe where I'm like, there's been a poisony in the food court.

Speaker 4 no

Speaker 4 no it uh it's just murders actual shootings

Speaker 4 somebody bought a sausage roll with forage mushrooms and now 18 people have gone down near the KFC

Speaker 11 nobody's leaving until we figure out who's done this no actually Brad uh Brad got executed outside of the men's restroom for looking at a guy weird so it's a little weird

Speaker 4 all right free to go are the police gonna show up

Speaker 4 uh they shot an innocent guy

Speaker 4 oh lord this is not uh

Speaker 4 but also don't eat the food it can't kill you my god what is this

Speaker 4 why is this so full i don't know we really we kind of stopped caring about everything

Speaker 4 i was thinking that it it was mr plum in the library with the candlestick and this is just this city no this is literally everywhere you go in this country now. What?

Speaker 4 Yes!

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 11 Also, the libraries are closed.

Speaker 4 Also,

Speaker 4 also, what's a library? Ethiop, I'm going to be sick.

Speaker 4 A lot of the time when you're in Australia, they will say audiences in America are good comedy audiences, you know, like they know how to be an audience, they know how to behave as an audience.

Speaker 4 But I think something we've never taken into account is they're also just grateful that they've survived by making it to the comedy club.

Speaker 4 And they know that they might not survive making it home again. So you might as well stand and applaud at the end.
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 4 And there's just an energy, like there's an energy to being like, I don't think anyone's shooting at this show.

Speaker 4 Like when you get halfway through it, you're like, I got a pretty good feeling that guy would have already shot.

Speaker 4 That was a good hour where we did not die. I don't feel that threatened.

Speaker 11 It is amazing that a comedian has not been shot on stage at this point, though.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. But you know, there's somebody out there who wants to be to go viral.
Like, you know, that the next Matt Reif just is one shooting away.

Speaker 4 Like, if you are wounded on stage, I mean, Jim Jeffries had been a huge UK comedian for ages, but didn't become an international star until he was like, remember he got punched on stage and that went viral of him being punched on stage.

Speaker 4 And then he kind of became this huge international act off the back of it. You can't tell me if somebody, I mean, you don't obviously don't want to kill shot.

Speaker 4 But if you like, if one of your jokes was so good, someone popped you in the shoulder, you can't tell me that doesn't get you a Saturday Night Live hosting slot. Well, and what we're in a sling.

Speaker 4 All sketches still in the sling.

Speaker 11 That's right.

Speaker 4 What we should be doing is prepping for our line after we get shot right now to show the quick one, too.

Speaker 4 Yeah. You know, I'm just like, well, my jokes didn't hit, but that did.
You know, know,

Speaker 4 whoa, you know.

Speaker 4 It's depressingly fun. We'll be there in no time, Will.
We, we've definitely will be there. So get ready.
Ready the couch.

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 4 you just mean you and Dive coming to say. That's okay.
I thought you meant the Americans coming to invite.

Speaker 11 That comes 10 years later.

Speaker 4 Don't worry. We can't get it together.

Speaker 11 When you guys are like, save us from China.

Speaker 4 And we're like, all right, we'll invade you. Wait.

Speaker 4 We're moving in. That's how we're saving it.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 All right, Dave. Let's start the premise then.
All right.

Speaker 11 Last week near Bainbridge, Chenango County, there was found under an old stone wall an overcoat of a fashion worn some 40 years ago and a pair of old rifle rifle pistols with flint locks.

Speaker 11 It's exciting.

Speaker 4 That's a hairstyle.

Speaker 11 It's a mystery.

Speaker 11 The stone wall is some 40 to 50 years old and stood near where a public house was kept many years ago. This discovery will probably lead to a panic.

Speaker 4 Are you allowed to predict panics like that?

Speaker 4 Why would it lead to a panic? I didn't know that was how.

Speaker 4 Why would that lead to a panic panic? But also,

Speaker 4 even the idea of predicting a panic through the medium of newspaper, like a panic seems more immediate than like, I'm just taking this straight down to the printers, and then the panic will ensue.

Speaker 4 Hopefully, it hasn't started by the time they print.

Speaker 4 Panic predicted

Speaker 11 this paper. This paper from Wednesday is talking about the panic we did on Monday.

Speaker 4 Yeah, like it's a cold front,

Speaker 4 it just missed us,

Speaker 4 it hit Albany.

Speaker 11 The Utian Herald says a laboring man who was spading a gentleman's garden.

Speaker 4 Oh, I thought he was going to say cat. Yeah, I thought so too.
I really thought that's the direction it was going in. There you go.
A chestnut.

Speaker 4 You need me to dese this garden, mate?

Speaker 11 At Steuben Street, Cornhill, to his surprise, was struck upon a human skull.

Speaker 4 Wait, Wait,

Speaker 11 the last story, they found a coat. Yeah.
On further investigation, the skeleton, apparently, of a full-sized man was dug out.

Speaker 4 Oh, full-size. So they found more than a skull.
The skull was just the tip of the rest of the body, it turns out. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Holy shit, there's more.

Speaker 11 Wouldn't you write the story as they found a body?

Speaker 4 Like, skeleton found. I mean, it's a real teaser, isn't it? They found a skull.
And they also also found a neck. And they found a couple of shoulders.
And you'll never believe what they found next.

Speaker 4 Where's 3A? Where's 3A?

Speaker 11 How it came there is a mystery which has not been solved.

Speaker 11 Well, yeah, that's what happens when you find a body. Man died.
Immediately, no.

Speaker 11 The place had been occupied as a garden for some years, and the body must have been buried there a long time ago.

Speaker 11 The skeleton was in a good state of preservation and no fractures

Speaker 11 no fractures were observed i think it's just keith

Speaker 4 well uh okay so they really had a good look

Speaker 4 yeah and uh

Speaker 11 i mean there's not much more to that except for body found and garden but uh yeah they really stretched that one out quite a bit well I mean, it's 1850.

Speaker 4 No predictions of panics, though. Like, it feels fine.
It this one's been there for a while. No one's gonna panic.

Speaker 11 This is also before headlines. They didn't have headlines.
Although, wait, this might be my doctor. Hang on.
Here we go. Oh, shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Hello?

Speaker 4 Hi, this is Marilyn with our electric heating and dare. I'm reaching out in regards to the appointment that had been requested for today.

Speaker 4 I've been trying to get a hold of you, but I haven't been able to get a hold of you in regards to confirming.

Speaker 4 I wanted to see if by any chance you were available either tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon. Sure, tomorrow afternoon's great.
I'm just waiting on a biopsy.

Speaker 10 Okay, perfect. No worries.
We'll see you tomorrow afternoon.

Speaker 4 All right, appreciate it. Thank you.
Bye-bye. Thank you.

Speaker 4 Nothing.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 4 A biopsy, you say. Oh, well, that's fantastic.
So you'll be honest for that.

Speaker 4 Will you be alive then? All right. Take care then.
Is the Hades still going to be an issue?

Speaker 4 Couldn't give a shit. Should call back.
I'm a little freaked out.

Speaker 4 Sorry, sir.

Speaker 4 Sorry, David. That's all right.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 2 I promise you're gonna laugh.

Speaker 3 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 5 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Speaker 6 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 8 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 9 Terms apply.

Speaker 12 Cal State East Bay was founded on a belief that every student holds incredible potential.

Speaker 12 And when that potential is unlocked, doors open to opportunity, to purpose, to a better future for their families and communities.

Speaker 12 Our students are modern-day pioneers, breaking new ground and paving the way for generations to come.

Speaker 12 Here, they find an intellectual oasis, a place to pause, reflect, and rise, gaining the knowledge and confidence to make their mark on the world. Enroll today at csuestbay.edu slash start.

Speaker 14 You're entitled to your money back back when flight and hotel prices drop.

Speaker 4 Axel makes sure you always get paid, and it all happens automatically.

Speaker 14 Axel finds price drops and works with airlines and hotels to get your money back. Most members save more than $300 a year.
Membership is just $35 a year, and you're guaranteed to save more than that.

Speaker 14 If you don't, you get a full refund. Axel makes sure you never miss an opportunity to save on travel.
Visit helloaxel.com/slash pod to start saving today.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 2 I promise you're going to laugh.

Speaker 3 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 3 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 5 Okay, what you can do is point at someone else.

Speaker 6 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 8 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 9 Terms apply.

Speaker 15 Imagine this. Your house burns down or your partner passes away, and you call your insurance company, and the claim gets denied.
No payout, no safety net, just loss.

Speaker 15 It sounds extreme, but it happens every day. Insurance policies are full of exclusions that leave people vulnerable.
That's why My Policy Advocate exists.

Speaker 15 They review your coverage, uncover gaps, and explain everything in plain English. They don't sell insurance, they help you understand what you already have.

Speaker 15 Visit mypolicyadvocate.com and protect what matters most.

Speaker 16 You know that one friend who always shows up looking sharp, but swears he didn't try?

Speaker 4 That's Jack Archer.

Speaker 16 Timeless style, crafted for comfort and engineered to move with you.

Speaker 4 From the boardroom to the back nine, Jack's got you covered.

Speaker 16 Jack Archer, the fit you've been looking for.

Speaker 16 New customers get 15% off your first order. Upgrade your wardrobe today at jackarcher.com.

Speaker 11 Mattress side.

Speaker 4 Here we go. That's when you kill a bunch of mattresses.
Oh, we got you.

Speaker 4 Hold on.

Speaker 4 We're not both necessary. No, it's not seen that way, really.

Speaker 4 Why'd you bring two?

Speaker 11 Well, one's kind of more of a box bring.

Speaker 11 The Panama Star of the 18th says that on the, so Panama, so now we're getting Panama news.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 11 unless Panama is a town in New York sure the Panama star of the 18th says that on the previous Thursday evening two young girls were brought into town from Padora and delivered up to authorities charging with murdering their mother under the following circumstances oh okay

Speaker 11 the girls wish to go to a fandango

Speaker 4 oh yeah

Speaker 4 you know you got even even in australia you know what a fandango is right well from i know what a fandango is from, obviously, the Queen song that mentions a fandango. There you go.

Speaker 4 And asks, and poses the question, can you do the fandango?

Speaker 4 But I was, that I was, always thought that the fandango was like some sort of dance or something based on the context clues from oh, it's a it's a party. So when he says, can you do the fandango?

Speaker 4 He's like, can you come to the fandango? It's a fandango's a dance.

Speaker 4 It's a lively Portuguese dance.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 11 their mother refused her consent,

Speaker 11 notwithstanding which they managed to get away and returned at an early hour in the morning. All right.
So they did what girls do. Young

Speaker 4 ladies. Snuck out.
They went to the Pandango. That's right.

Speaker 11 On reaching home, the mother attempted to correct them. Angry words ensued, and one of the girls struck the old woman to the ground with a stick.

Speaker 4 Boom. That's how you do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 How I murdered my mother. Quite true.

Speaker 11 Who's grounded now?

Speaker 4 Who's grounded, bitch?

Speaker 4 Who's in the ground?

Speaker 4 You're going in the garden like the other one.

Speaker 4 Just like dad.

Speaker 4 These girls love the Fendang.

Speaker 11 Whilst the other plunged a knife into her bosom.

Speaker 4 Well, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 4 Why not? This is more of a stabbing than anything. Yeah.

Speaker 11 A younger sister who was present alarmed the neighbors, and the two murderesses were arrested and brought into Panama and delivered up to authorities.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 11 Jesus. I mean, you know, they wanted to go to the party.

Speaker 4 Fandango's the Devil's Dance. I think we're all in the,

Speaker 4 you know, they showed their mother who's boss.

Speaker 11 Right.

Speaker 11 Now she knows. The old club.
I mean, she doesn't because she's dead, but she.

Speaker 4 They went clubbing twice.

Speaker 11 In a way. There was kind of two Fandangos, weren't they?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Teach your mom to speak up. I like it.
Yeah, I'm for it. USA.
USA.

Speaker 11 This may be our America showing, but yeah, kill your moms.

Speaker 4 Honestly, in Australia, you know, we have the Fandingo, which is just a twist on that.

Speaker 4 But you do have to watch out.

Speaker 4 Of course you do. And it's a chocolate.

Speaker 4 Bloody tie, Stacy.

Speaker 11 The most singular coincidence is mentioned in relation to the lamented Dudley Ting,

Speaker 11 whose death in consequence of an accident making amputation of the arm necessary, all our readers know.

Speaker 4 A lot of death early in this one.

Speaker 11 Yeah, we're really getting into it.

Speaker 4 So, but hang on. His death resulted in the amputation of his arm.
Is that what they just said? Because that

Speaker 4 feels like a consequence.

Speaker 11 So his death in consequence of an accident. Right.
So

Speaker 4 the death has happened.

Speaker 4 I hope. I do like going the other way, though.
I do too. His arms are going to have to come off

Speaker 11 to get him in the coffin.

Speaker 4 Yeah. That's right.
We've made the coffin slightly too small.

Speaker 4 The good news is we have a solution. Can we just fold the stairs? He will never be able to do the arm movements from the Fandango again.
He was days of Fandango and we're done.

Speaker 11 Hey, boss, can't we just fold the arms on top like that?

Speaker 4 No, no, no. We'll take them off.
We got

Speaker 4 we'll keep him in the box. We can put him down near the feet.
There we are. Yep, exactly.
There we go. Looks like a dog.

Speaker 4 He's still all in there. There we go.

Speaker 4 Just kind of stack him a little bit. That's it.
There's enough to life. I'm sure they can reattach them.
Yeah, we go. That's nice.
That's good.

Speaker 11 Kurto guy up in heaven.

Speaker 4 I can't put these back on.

Speaker 11 The last sermon preached in Jane's Hall by Mr. Ting

Speaker 11 was from the text, Show Thyself a Man.

Speaker 11 At the close of his earnest remarks,

Speaker 11 he asked pardon if he had said anything to offend any number of his congregation, and added, quote, I must tell my master's errand and would rather that his right arm were amputated at the trunk.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 11 So he said, is anybody offended?

Speaker 4 And if anybody was offended, he was an edgelord, edgelord comedian of the time. He's like, oh, I can't say anything anymore.
Didn't want to offend you my arms on here.

Speaker 4 I'm cancelled, am I? Anyway, I'll be on a 150-day tour.

Speaker 4 I can't cut a man's arm off after he's passed away.

Speaker 11 I must tell my masters, Aaron, I would rather that he, that his right. Oh, so he's saying that, you know,

Speaker 11 rather than offending you, I would rather my arms get cut off, basically.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, okay. And then his arms were cut off.

Speaker 11 Well, at the same time, laying his left hand upon his right arm at the very place it was afterwards cut off.

Speaker 4 Oh, okay. Yes, right.
So later he's had to have his arm cut off. And earlier in the day in his speech at church, he's been talking about the fact that he would rather have his arms cut off.

Speaker 4 And then later on, his arms have been cut off. Right.

Speaker 4 Wow. Right.

Speaker 11 So that is a story.

Speaker 4 Yeah. It's something.
Holy shit.

Speaker 11 God was like, yeah, you were shit. Like, I told you that you weren't good.
And

Speaker 11 you pushed it. You pushed it.
You could have just done the bad sermon and moved on, but you had to fucking push it, kid.

Speaker 4 And,

Speaker 4 you know,

Speaker 4 God's up there with the list with the transcript. He's like, it says right here, mate.
Right here. You literally said out loud in church the place where I'm always listening.
It was hyperbolic.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry.

Speaker 11 Yeah. And by the way we i can't put this bag on like i i've tried

Speaker 4 but

Speaker 4 it's a huge marketing move

Speaker 11 uh a man named charles menor an adopted son of george hosteter proprietor of the tremont house while walking on the railroad track on thursday afternoon was run over was run over by the switch engine oh and had his arm broken in five places and his hand badly mutated

Speaker 11 mutilated.

Speaker 11 Well, so he didn't really get run over.

Speaker 4 I mean, kind of.

Speaker 4 What's a switch? What's the switch?

Speaker 11 I guess if you're you can fall under a train

Speaker 11 based on all the films I've seen. Yeah, you can.
And just like lay low and it'll go over you. But he must have had his arm out.

Speaker 4 He had his arm out.

Speaker 11 It took a long time.

Speaker 4 And earlier that die, he'd been talking about the fact that he loved trains so much he was willing to lose an arm for once.

Speaker 4 This

Speaker 4 has an arm epidemic.

Speaker 11 Gentlemen, I am begging you to stop saying you blankedy blank or cut off my arm.

Speaker 4 I'm begging you. If it keeps happening, I'll cut my arm off.
No, no. Don't, Phil.

Speaker 4 Why? A bear! A bear!

Speaker 4 Wow!

Speaker 4 Why didn't he just take my arm?

Speaker 4 The mortician comes in and he goes, look, we didn't mention it at the time, but that skull we found in the garden, no arms.

Speaker 4 whoa

Speaker 4 wait a minute

Speaker 4 so like they find a man who's like like gone around this town taking everybody's arms and fashioning them into something sort of like he wants to be the human spider or something like it's not like it's me the millipede Jesus Christ Barry

Speaker 4 you all laughed at me when I said I could millipede myself 10 years ago. But I've been taking arms one by one and turning myself into the millipede.

Speaker 4 The human millipede. The human millipede.
I've been ended up without ridicule over the ages. It's very clear what this means.
I'm the man with a million legs. And that's it.

Speaker 11 I got to be honest, we're probably going to ridicule you more now.

Speaker 11 you got all these arms dangling off.

Speaker 4 I eat his lettuce. What?

Speaker 4 I'm in your gardens at night.

Speaker 4 Not so funny now, is it? My blood's greenish.

Speaker 4 So,

Speaker 4 not sure what... to do next because I kind of

Speaker 4 never thought past this moment, but nobody's, nobody's

Speaker 4 y'all aren't as freaked out as I. I've been taking the arms of these citizens for 10 years.

Speaker 4 Didn't you think it was strange that people? Hold on. Didn't you think it was strange that people were losing arms?

Speaker 11 Yeah, but we're totally desensitized to it. Like, we've seen so many arms come off.
Like, nobody here has an arm anymore.

Speaker 4 Are any women attracted to my new form? I'm quite lonely. No.

Speaker 4 Can I ask one follow-up question, please, human millipate? Did you ever consider taking any

Speaker 4 legs or just exclusively arms?

Speaker 4 In retrospect, as far as movement goes, legs would have been wise.

Speaker 4 Do millipedes have legs? Who knows? I was unable to really figure out what they are, to be honest. How many legs do they have? I mean, I'm only one guy or millipede.

Speaker 11 Perry, a lot of those look like dog legs.

Speaker 4 Some are dog legs, some are table legs.

Speaker 4 It's been pretty difficult, to be quite honest.

Speaker 4 Is anyone here a bug doctor?

Speaker 4 Some of them aren't taking in the way that I would hope.

Speaker 4 All right. All right.
Well, good to see everybody.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 11 We kind of just want to watch you walk out of town now.

Speaker 4 I can't walk too far.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 It's one of thousand issues I've come up with, honestly. Hey, Barry.
Yeah. Cats.
Is that a woman?

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 11 Like half of them went up. That was crazy.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 It's kind of cool in a way.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 See?

Speaker 4 Not so crazy now, am I?

Speaker 4 Do any women have their hands up? I'm trying to kind of scam the guy. Can the guys

Speaker 4 will the guys duck so I can see the potential? Someone's got to want it.

Speaker 11 Come on.

Speaker 4 Come on. You ever done it, Millie style?

Speaker 4 It's where you lay under me. And

Speaker 4 hello.

Speaker 4 All right. I will see you guys.
I am going to get out of here.

Speaker 11 Did I even read this end part? Surgeons were sent for who amputated his arm close to his body.

Speaker 4 Did I even get to that? I don't think I got to that part. No.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 4 But that's fun, too.

Speaker 4 You put it on his neck.

Speaker 4 There we go. Perfect.
A perfect match.

Speaker 11 Settled. The dispute as to whether Miss Fremont's name is Jesse or Anne has been decided by both like the shit at Weigh In.

Speaker 11 Right. By the publication of her father, Colonel Benton's will.
Her name is

Speaker 4 Jesse.

Speaker 11 Jesse Ann. Ann.

Speaker 4 Jesse Ann. Jesse Ann.

Speaker 11 So that both parties in this important controversy were right and both were wrong.

Speaker 4 Important controversy. This was big.

Speaker 4 So there was big talk around town that Jesse Ann was called Jesse or Anne, and nobody could work out whether her name was Anne or Jesse. And it turns out in her father's will,

Speaker 4 it's Jesse Ann.

Speaker 4 It's like a gender reveal, but in a will. Yeah, it's a real

Speaker 4 steep drop-off from all the murder stories, isn't it?

Speaker 4 Hey, who is that guy in the garden? We don't know, but her name is Jesse Ann. Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 11 As soon as the Millipede guy walks out of town, they're like, now back to this Jesse Ann.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 One side of the town starts sending Jesse, the other one's standing and

Speaker 4 we'll find anything to divide us.

Speaker 4 We just like being right or wrong and angry. We don't actually care.

Speaker 11 A deadly color. The new Azoff green of the Paris spring fashions is dyed with such poisonous materials

Speaker 11 that the seamstresses who prick their fingers while sewing it lose the use of their hands.

Speaker 4 Holy shit.

Speaker 4 And the leaves. They lose the use of their hands.

Speaker 4 Hands again.

Speaker 11 Yeah, back to the hands.

Speaker 4 It feels like the editor of this paper has like the kind of reverse Quentin Tarantino thing.

Speaker 4 You know, he's always got like close-ups of feet in his stuff. This one's like, yes, and then he's another story about something that happened to a hand.

Speaker 4 Have I told you anything about the time I saw a woman put her finger in soup?

Speaker 4 This is a paper. I know, but I don't.

Speaker 4 Wow. She burned.
I asked if I could lick it. Sir? I don't know.

Speaker 4 How great are arms?

Speaker 11 And ladies have been taken violently ill from wearing shawls of this color.

Speaker 4 So we've got it. This is so

Speaker 4 this really is so American, even though this is outside of America. But the idea of like a color will kill you, but people are like, but I love it.

Speaker 11 It's so great.

Speaker 4 It's so radium, too.

Speaker 11 The last line is, the tint is very brilliant.

Speaker 11 It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
So worth it.

Speaker 4 Where did you get this? She's dead, sir.

Speaker 4 Had she die? Die.

Speaker 4 She's died to die. She died to die.
It was right there in the name. It was the time to die.
I know she's dead, but how did she die? Die. Hang on.
Is this a bit?

Speaker 4 I'm a new coroner. Now, this woman's died.
She did. She was died and she's died.

Speaker 4 She did die, and now she's died. From she previously died, and she died from the die.
She's dead, though.

Speaker 4 Yeah, she died. Died, yeah.
From

Speaker 4 the die.

Speaker 4 What was the die? From the diarrhea.

Speaker 4 Oh, God. She died.

Speaker 4 And she died.

Speaker 4 She died area.

Speaker 4 Didarria.

Speaker 11 A word to parents.

Speaker 11 The sad accidents which have occurred on the line of the railroad in this city within a few days past induce us to offer a few words of admonition to the parents and guardians of children.

Speaker 11 There is a recklessness and want of care manifested on the part of children in this city. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Children are so needy.

Speaker 11 I just, when kids are reckless, I don't.

Speaker 11 Which is utterly shocking to witness. They run heedlessly into danger without a single thought or manifesting the least regard for life.

Speaker 4 They are stupid.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 11 as as the trains pass our window every day, we behold with horror, little boys hanging on to the sides of the freight trains and the platforms of the cars.

Speaker 11 Well, yeah, they're boys.

Speaker 4 Sure.

Speaker 11 It's literally their job. That's their job.

Speaker 11 You do crazy shit when you're a boy.

Speaker 4 Sure.

Speaker 11 So you're a boy.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I mean, there was literally a story in the Melbourne papers this week about like the fact that like kids are still running on the top of the trains, like all around Melbourne and stuff and how dangerous this is and I saw like in New York they're apparently like yeah running on top of trains it's apparently it's big on TikTok so yes not much has changed since the 1840s

Speaker 4 now you can pretty much do the exact same thing and whack it on your TikTok

Speaker 11 I mean because yeah i've seen that and i've seen news shows on it where like they because kids are like paralyzed and shit because they ran into a tunnel wall or whatever and

Speaker 11 they're just like, don't do it to their friends. And their friends are like, but

Speaker 11 I got the juice, man.

Speaker 4 I got to do it.

Speaker 11 It's very, hey, you only live once.

Speaker 4 Sure.

Speaker 4 I get it.

Speaker 11 The dollop, though, sorry, the pastimes does not

Speaker 4 promote.

Speaker 11 train running and topping.

Speaker 4 The dollop does, though. We should point out the dollop is super into children jumping and running on trains.
Yeah.

Speaker 11 It's a complex.

Speaker 4 It's the American spirit.

Speaker 11 That's right.

Speaker 11 And please.

Speaker 11 And please, as we say on the dollop, if you're going to jump from roof train to roof train, carry a gun.

Speaker 4 Yeah, do it loaded. Locked and loaded.
Locked and loaded.

Speaker 11 Absolutely.

Speaker 11 Or just have it out in your hand.

Speaker 11 They jump off and on at discretion, notwithstanding the vigilance of the conductor and those in charge who have strict injunctions to drive them off.

Speaker 11 Seeing this, as we do from our office window daily, our only surprise is that more of these foolish boys are not killed than there are.

Speaker 4 We would suggest to Perry feels a bit disappointed. I've got

Speaker 4 so many of them are living.

Speaker 4 We're looking out the window, really hoping to see one go down. We saw one guy, like one guy, lose one arm.
That's it. That's all we've seen.
Did someone lose an arm? God damn it, Perry.

Speaker 4 Hey, I'll take it.

Speaker 4 We know.

Speaker 4 Where's Jesse Ann?

Speaker 4 I will have a wife.

Speaker 4 The millipede needs a queen.

Speaker 11 We would suggest to parents the necessity of cautioning their children against

Speaker 11 this truly dangerous practice and in such strong terms that it will be remembered.

Speaker 11 If parents would enforce this, there would be little cause for recrimination between citizens of Washington Street and the railroad company, and accidents would become few and far between.

Speaker 11 Let parents and guardians adopt the suggestion by all means.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Why doesn't the train slow down when it gets to town?

Speaker 4 That's no fun.

Speaker 4 Why are you barreling through?

Speaker 4 We got to keep it moving.

Speaker 11 I'm just saying. Why are you barreling through?

Speaker 4 Because time is money, baby. USA.

Speaker 4 All right. What's more important, getting somewhere on time or your son? Exactly.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you put it that way.

Speaker 11 The trophies secured by the English upon the fall of the city of Canton were s of some value, but the gain of the English was no comparison to the loss suffered by the Chinese.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 11 For very little, besides the powder, rockets, and blue lights, are of any practical value to the British Army. The stink pots mentioned cannot be used by any civilized nation.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 11 This took a weird turn.

Speaker 4 Stink pots?

Speaker 11 That's it. It's stink pots.
Yep.

Speaker 4 Still, the question, I think, is valid.

Speaker 4 I mean, are we talking about the sort of things you could order from a comic book when you were little? Like

Speaker 4 X-ray specs and

Speaker 4 speckies?

Speaker 4 Like stink pots.

Speaker 4 Were we using stink pots in battle?

Speaker 4 Do stink pots mean something else other than what I think it means?

Speaker 11 I don't think it can mean anything else. It's just got to be a stink pot.

Speaker 4 A smelly pot? Yeah.

Speaker 11 The odious missiles are said to be offensive beyond

Speaker 4 i love odious missiles one of my favorite bands

Speaker 11 are said to be offensive beyond human endurance indescribably so as testified to those who have had the misfortune to come in contact with them it is it's a it's a historical weapon yeah uh an earthenware pot filled with noxious materials used in warfare right yeah

Speaker 11 yeah Yeah. What do you put

Speaker 11 all the arms that you didn't?

Speaker 4 Yeah. How?

Speaker 11 They are placed in a small float just large enough to contain them and the man who is to manage the offensive operation, they are then allowed to float with the tide until the proper position near the side of the ship is attained.

Speaker 11 which is always in the night and the match is then fired and if all works well the hideous missile is is landed on the ship's deck.

Speaker 11 And the efflubium is so offensive and powerful that no human lungs can inhale it for one moment. And an immediate stampede must take place.

Speaker 4 It's got sulfur, gunpowder, nails, and noxious materials. So it's just

Speaker 4 general whatever we can find.

Speaker 4 It's a real

Speaker 4 dim sim approach of just like mystery meets of just combined it all together. We'll just do the chicken nuggets of warfare.
Like whatever we've got here, we'll just chuck in and blend up.

Speaker 4 It was just a simple idea. It was like, it'll be smelly.
And someone's like, we should put nails in it. It's like,

Speaker 4 we're not getting away from the original pitch.

Speaker 4 And glass.

Speaker 4 Basically, it is just something that stinks that you can light on fire that you shoot at your enemy, right?

Speaker 4 So it's the equivalent of somebody like putting a shit in a brown paper bag and lighting an umpire outside somebody's door. That's basically what they were doing-a warfare version of that.

Speaker 4 But, how much better is that weapon on the porch if you put a bunch of nails in it? Yeah, just put some nails in there, Jesus,

Speaker 4 my fart.

Speaker 4 I'm covered in shit, my fletch cut.

Speaker 4 Got him, got him, bam, got his ass.

Speaker 4 TikTok 2030.

Speaker 4 Oh, man.

Speaker 4 Just falling over after he stops the shit out. He's down.

Speaker 4 Also, that shit will give him a terrible infection. So infected now, dude.

Speaker 4 Your foot is fucked, man.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Enjoy the next six weeks, motherfucker.

Speaker 4 It's over. It's burned, holed, infected, and won.

Speaker 11 The poor creature whose duty it is to execute this Chinese mandate does so at the sacrifice of his life.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 11 That's interesting.

Speaker 4 So it's a maybe to

Speaker 11 the annexed are the items. Quote, at the capture of Canton, 430 guns were found in the city, 300,000 pounds of powder, 5,000 rockets, 2,000 blue lights, 3,000 stink pots, and 6 tons of bullets.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 11 A letter from China estimates the loss of lives by the bombardment of Canton at 10,000.

Speaker 4 Wow. Jesus Christ.
So

Speaker 4 we sound horrible.

Speaker 4 The white.

Speaker 11 The white. I assume this is Britain, right?

Speaker 11 Because they were always.

Speaker 4 was it, or was it done to Britain?

Speaker 11 No, it wasn't done to Britain. The Chinese never attacked it.

Speaker 4 Oh, then it is cool. Oh, thank God.
Yeah, English Army.

Speaker 11 English Army upon the fall of the city of fucking wrong.

Speaker 4 Yay!

Speaker 4 So, you got a young stink pot, haven't you? Yeah, I'll teach you. Knock it off.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 4 could see one of those at like a Premier League game. Fucking hell, someone's done a stink pot.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 11 The body of a murdered schoolmaster is said to have been found on the road not long since with his head full of fractions.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's.

Speaker 11 He was studying math.

Speaker 4 I don't know what that is. You're not able to like in the blood are just like decimals.
He was thinking math.

Speaker 4 That would be so fucking great if you bludgeoned someone, their thoughts spilled out. Oh, my God.
Oh, that'd be the best. Look at this.

Speaker 11 But then many more people.

Speaker 11 You know, Peter Thiel's working on that.

Speaker 4 I feel like this is just the work of somebody who was so wrapped with the fact that the priest who was talking about wanting to lose his arms lost his arms that they're like, you know what?

Speaker 4 We're just putting everybody's job into this bit. Like,

Speaker 4 the maths guy was murdered. He was thinking about maths.

Speaker 4 There were quadratic equations spilled all around him.

Speaker 4 There's just a bunch of X's and equals signs over here, sir. This man was a teacher.

Speaker 11 Officer Eagle has in his possession at the police office a copper boiler taken from a boy who had probably stolen it on Friday last.

Speaker 11 The boiler is a good one, and the owner can have it by applying at the police office.

Speaker 4 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Yeah, That's my

Speaker 4 boiler actually. Yeah.
What did it there's an inscription on it. What did it say? Yeah, it said

Speaker 11 you first.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you say, you know what? Actually, you say what it says, and I'll tell you if it's my boiler based on that. Copper boiler.
Yeah, copper boiler. Yeah, yeah, copper boiler.
Yeah, yeah. Yep.

Speaker 4 For boiling coppers. Well, probably the wrong time to bring it up.
But

Speaker 4 sorry, excuse me, murder police. Jesus murders a lot of police.
How did they catch you? Well,

Speaker 4 it all started with the boy. This guy's a hell of a detective.
I never should have brought in your purchase.

Speaker 4 That's my first mistake. I put a boy on and he stole the boiler

Speaker 11 moving day. We presume all our readers who have changed their location the first of May have already found out that last Saturday was moving day.

Speaker 11 What a bore is this moving out.

Speaker 11 What with upsetting furniture, cracking mirrors, breaking crockery, tearing up carpets, crosswives, squalling children, and cold dinners, it is enough to put the patience of several jobs to the test.

Speaker 11 We notice at many private residences Saturday that preparations were being made to move out. It was a busy day.
And if it had proved a rainy May Day, woe to husbands and wives and woe to the help.

Speaker 4 So they're just saying moving sucks. Yeah, I mean, I feel like this feels more like your

Speaker 4 editorial/slash opinion piece about like the issue of the day. Like it's got a real sort of like, what is the deal with moving? Why is moving so hard? How bad is moving?

Speaker 4 And if it rains, it sucks way more. That's what I'm saying.
If I got a paper for you, you're going to have to sift through 40 arm articles.

Speaker 4 What? Just keep breeding. So there is a lot of murder in today's paper.
He's done. Don't worry.

Speaker 4 You'll get to the moving stuff. It's right at the end there.

Speaker 4 They found a man in the garden. Keep breeding.

Speaker 4 Who's the millipede? Go skip that one.

Speaker 4 How it is with moving day when you've got to move your couch and your chair and all those bodies.

Speaker 4 You know who could really help on a day of moving?

Speaker 4 The Millipede.

Speaker 4 That guy's like a weird Grendel guy that lives up in the hill. No, I know.

Speaker 4 You know how it's hard in this town to actually get anyone to help you move because everybody's arms have been removed for some reason.

Speaker 4 It's going to be hard to get all this stuff out of here. The guy took our arms.

Speaker 4 Well, well, well, well, well.

Speaker 4 It comes crawling back. I'm so crazy now.

Speaker 4 You're the one crawling back.

Speaker 4 Well, come on.

Speaker 4 That was such a cheap shot, man.

Speaker 4 I'm not crawling. Come on now.
That's crawling. I would call that crawling.

Speaker 4 Can I finish?

Speaker 4 You can rent me. to help you move.

Speaker 11 Why would I want a crawlipede to help me move?

Speaker 4 Not a crawlipede millipede, asshole. All right, listen, there's been a whole baseline of disrespect cooking through this town in a bad way lately.
All right,

Speaker 4 there any women around here.

Speaker 11 No, there's no women. Stay away from the women.

Speaker 4 I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the women.
Yeah, stay away from the women and stay away from the children. We think you might be a millie pedophile.
Come on now.

Speaker 4 Come on now. That's not cool.
Now let's just stop those rumors right now.

Speaker 4 I would never.

Speaker 4 Good God.

Speaker 4 Are those rabbit legs? Yeah, some of them are feet.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 4 And there's a chicken and one. I sold a frog to me, too.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 4 I never touched a youth.

Speaker 4 That's disgusting.

Speaker 11 Wait, they were saying that.

Speaker 4 No, I did not.

Speaker 11 You got like 30 farm animals hanging off you at this. It's just.

Speaker 4 Guys,

Speaker 4 can anyone move further than a man with like 800 legs of varying species? I mean, look at me.

Speaker 11 I would say a lot of people can move. You're incredibly slow.

Speaker 4 I'm pretty fast considering what I've been through.

Speaker 4 Do you understand how hard this is to live like this?

Speaker 4 You did it to yourself.

Speaker 4 Barry.

Speaker 4 Hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 4 Hey.

Speaker 4 What if we all moved in together?

Speaker 4 And we shared our wives.

Speaker 4 Come on.

Speaker 4 Come on. Absolutely not.
It's collected. All right.
All right.

Speaker 4 Then maybe we just start a campaign to take some of these off of me. What?

Speaker 4 Now you don't want the elbows? Well, or we add more. Do you guys think it's cool? No.

Speaker 4 All right. Let's start.

Speaker 11 I cannot tell you how bad you smell.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Look.

Speaker 4 Look. Look.

Speaker 11 You're like a human stink pot.

Speaker 4 Say.

Speaker 4 Hey. You know what? Let's add some nails.
No.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I can't reach back there.
Get away from back there.

Speaker 4 Hey.

Speaker 4 Hey.

Speaker 4 They just nail him to a fence. Oh, real fun.

Speaker 4 Hilarious.

Speaker 11 Oh, we're still on moving day.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 11 We noticed at private residences Saturday that preparations were being made to move out. It was a busy day.
Oh, Ari the Rain. We fear the indulgence in strong adjectives and strong,

Speaker 11 well, we mean the free use of a strong pump handle would seriously affect the numbers in attendance at our city churches yesterday. But keep your temper and all all be well for another year at least.

Speaker 4 So moving day is over and it's good, maybe.

Speaker 11 It's a who cares?

Speaker 11 Who cares?

Speaker 4 Was there specifically a day in which people moved house? Like, was it a horse's birthday situation? Yes.

Speaker 4 Maybe a horse's birthday situation.

Speaker 11 I think it was May 1st. Everybody in every city moved all at once.
It was

Speaker 11 every lease ended and you had to move and everybody moved on the same day. Everybody moved.

Speaker 4 Hold on. Can we?

Speaker 4 What happened back there, Will? Well, a horse's birthday situation.

Speaker 4 Is that not a common thing?

Speaker 4 Do you not know that all horses have the same birthday, right? Will, what's going on? What are we going to do? Should we stop recording? Are you okay?

Speaker 4 What's going on?

Speaker 4 That all horses have the same birthday. August the 1st or something, I believe, is horses.

Speaker 11 And you were raised on a farm, correct?

Speaker 4 Yeah. Who is this? Are we sort of doing an adult Santa reveal right now?

Speaker 4 All horses have the same birthday. This is

Speaker 4 something.

Speaker 4 Oh, you know what?

Speaker 4 I've just Googled it. And how's this?

Speaker 4 In Australia, all horses celebrate their birthday on August the 1st.

Speaker 4 I did know that this was not an international thing. I just assumed it was a thing that

Speaker 4 it turns out just in Australia we

Speaker 4 August 1st is horse's birthday.

Speaker 4 I swear to God, this is the deal, okay? America completely failing. And as soon as we're like, it's over for us, Australia will open its mouth and we'll all be like, wait, what?

Speaker 4 What are you talking about?

Speaker 4 Horses have haggers first. But the thing that I love the most about that is that I just delivered that so as if that was a fact that everybody knew.

Speaker 4 I was like, I didn't, I thought you were doing a bit where you didn't understand what I was talking about. And then I'm like, oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 It turns out just my country has decided that all horses, out of convenience, that

Speaker 4 all horses should have the same birth. All horses.
It just does. How did it even start? I don't know.

Speaker 4 I think it's for racing and like that. Like, you know, because of horse racing and stuff.

Speaker 4 Justification that is going to work, by the way. You can keep trying, but wherever you're headed right now.
Well, it's based on racing. Oh, oh, okay.
Oh, that helps.

Speaker 11 Did you have did you have horses on your farm growing up?

Speaker 4 No, we didn't have horses on that.

Speaker 4 Okay, here's what it says. It's all about simplifying things.
Horses in a race are grouped by their age, and having one universal birthday makes it easy to organize competitions.

Speaker 4 I don't even understand what that means.

Speaker 11 That's insane.

Speaker 4 It's so funny how it keeps. Yes, all thoroughbreds have the same birthday.

Speaker 4 So it's just a couple of guys like, stop with the fucking math.

Speaker 4 Oh, holy shit. Well,

Speaker 11 not since

Speaker 11 you dropped Chinese whispers as something is crazy like this happened on Australia. Now, that one's racist, but also you guys come up with some weird shit.

Speaker 4 All horses have the same. Dave is like, exactly.
So,

Speaker 4 holy fuck. Wow.
Okay. Well,

Speaker 4 just when you thought moving day wasn't weird.

Speaker 4 Well, I mean, horse birthday birthday is coming up, guys.

Speaker 4 What's everyone getting every horse?

Speaker 4 What a long Australian horse birthday. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday.

Speaker 4 I mean, it's better than having to log on to Horsebook every day to see

Speaker 4 which horse has their birthday and then send them a generic message to their horsebook page that they will will probably never read.

Speaker 4 They'll scroll past it the best of times, and you're like, Why are you doing this? Whereas we have one day, horse birthday.

Speaker 11 True. I mean, if you don't think about it, it makes sense.

Speaker 4 Racebook's a different thing.

Speaker 4 I'm actually logging into Racebook right now, and it's pretty alt-right.

Speaker 4 It's actually very much like Facebook.

Speaker 4 It was an easy transition.

Speaker 4 They literally just took the little line off the air and it was right there in front of me.

Speaker 4 It's pretty much the same, actually.

Speaker 11 A curious circumstance is related in Lyons, France, a Lions France journal.

Speaker 11 An old gentleman of some property in that city, Martin by name, was wounded in the side by a musket ball at the Battle of Jena and had to be carried off the field.

Speaker 11 He was cured in about two months, but the ball could not be extracted.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 11 So he just got a metal ball.

Speaker 4 Ball's deep.

Speaker 11 It's just weird to hear from Barry.

Speaker 4 Like, no one wants to hear that from Barry.

Speaker 4 It, however, caused him. I went to the bathroom.

Speaker 4 I millipede. Hey.

Speaker 4 Are any women chuckling? No. All right.
See you later.

Speaker 11 It, however, caused him no serious inconvenience, though at times he felt it move a little.

Speaker 11 A few days ago, a large boil arose on the side,

Speaker 11 and he at last applied to it a poultice.

Speaker 4 Putis. Putis.

Speaker 4 A poultice.

Speaker 11 Pultis. P-O-U-L-T-I-C-E.

Speaker 4 Putis. Poute.
Put.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 11 On removing it on Saturday last, the ball, to his astonishment, fell out after having been in his body for 52 years.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God. That must have felt good.

Speaker 11 Talking about a stink pot. Jesus, that thing was

Speaker 4 awful. That must have been great.
That must have felt great. Oh, 52 years.

Speaker 11 That's a long time to have a musket ball in your side.

Speaker 4 Trust me.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Just those grimes.

Speaker 11 My dad put one in my side when I was four.

Speaker 4 Here you go. Now I know you're mine.

Speaker 11 Damn. Okay, so this is

Speaker 11 okay.

Speaker 11 So the headline here is distinguished visitors. And it's a list.

Speaker 11 Our goodly little city was quite honored on Sunday by the visit of a party of distinguished chiefs and braves of the Dakota Nation.

Speaker 11 And so the following are the names of the party.

Speaker 11 One, the man who was struck by the

Speaker 11 two, the smutty bear.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 11 The smutty bear.

Speaker 4 The smutty bear. That's a website.

Speaker 4 Yep.

Speaker 4 Are you a smutty bear? I'm looking for smutty bears in my area.

Speaker 11 I'm not a warrior per se.

Speaker 4 But Siam, what's your role in the drug, Smutty Bear?

Speaker 4 Hey,

Speaker 4 look at my dick. Let's just say i play cleanup

Speaker 4 with someone sitting here

Speaker 4 smutty bear what

Speaker 4 uh

Speaker 11 the mad bull or crazy bull

Speaker 11 the elk with a bad voice oh oh

Speaker 11 the standing elk the walking elk

Speaker 11 the leaping thunder

Speaker 4 the iron horn You know, I love just how uncreative they were around the elk stuff.

Speaker 4 So, like, yeah, you're the you're the leaping elk. That's pretty good because you're leaping.
You're, I guess, you're standing. Yeah, you're standing elk.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you're young. Yeah,

Speaker 4 what is my elk? Yeah, you're bad voice, you're weird voice elk. No, I'm fine.
No, you're sounds funny, elk. That's what you are.
Fire causes autism.

Speaker 4 Keep your kids away from that open flame.

Speaker 11 I'll tell you what nation we're from, not vaccination.

Speaker 4 We're a people too.

Speaker 11 The leaping thunder, the iron horn, one who knocks down two.

Speaker 4 Wow, that's pretty good. One who knocks down two.
Yeah, I like that. That's really

Speaker 4 good. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I am one who knocks down two.

Speaker 11 The fast bull,

Speaker 11 the grabbing hawk.

Speaker 4 I'm on probation.

Speaker 4 Smutty man and I get along great.

Speaker 11 Smutty man, the girls are washing clothes down by the river.

Speaker 4 Let me help you wash. Let's get all of our clothes off while we wash them, right, girls?

Speaker 4 Mind if I drink the river water where you washed? Smutty bear. What?

Speaker 11 Okay, if I just dip my balls in again.

Speaker 4 We should swim over here. There's some poop.

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 11 The little white swan,

Speaker 11 the owl man.

Speaker 4 Hello.

Speaker 11 Spins his head around.

Speaker 4 Hi. Who?

Speaker 11 The white medicine cow that stands.

Speaker 4 It's been a long road to get to my name.

Speaker 11 And the last one is the pretty boy.

Speaker 4 Oh, the pretty boy.

Speaker 4 Hi. The pretty boy.
Hey, fellas.

Speaker 4 Hello. It's tough, though, when you're like, it's fine to be a pretty boy when you are a pretty pretty boy, but it's so much pressure.

Speaker 4 Like, like some of the other ones, you can just like, you know, Smutty Bear can be Smutty Bear for life. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Whereas for the pretty boy, there's like a, you know, there's a ticking clock on being the pretty boy.

Speaker 11 Yeah. Oh, for sure.
He's like 35.

Speaker 4 Just like, hey, guys, what's up? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Hey, pretty boy.

Speaker 4 Hi.

Speaker 4 My eye won't close.

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ, pretty boy. What?

Speaker 4 Kind of cute. Isn't it endearing? Jesus Christ.
He stood too close to the fire.

Speaker 4 Elk of Weird Voice, shut up. I'm just saying.

Speaker 4 We should fire all the elders.

Speaker 4 Oh, fuck. Well, we didn't get my biopsy results, but the results from this episode are in, and they're positively fun.

Speaker 4 Sorry about that.

Speaker 4 Will,

Speaker 4 people can see you in Montreal. Montreal is just for laughs.
Just for laughs. July the 25th.
Will Legitimate, my solo show. Come along.
Will Legitimate.

Speaker 4 You are. It's been too long.

Speaker 4 Please come back soon.

Speaker 4 And again, we're really open to you visiting America. I know for a while you were here hanging out.
I don't know why you took off, but.

Speaker 11 Hey, I don't know why you didn't stick around.

Speaker 4 Seems like you left a little early, right?

Speaker 11 I feel like the last time I talked to you on American soil, you said something like, My God, I have to get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 4 and I'm a man of the wood.

Speaker 4 You know, you have plans not to come back to somewhere immediately where you send for your stuff. Like,

Speaker 4 I'm not going back to get it myself. I'm getting someone who's already there to ship it to where I am.

Speaker 11 Are you talking about David Gareth six months from now?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 11 I've already secured a place in Australia.

Speaker 4 I'm already mailing my stuff.

Speaker 4 I mailed all my stuff, and the address just said Australia, please.

Speaker 4 And then I taped $400 on the front of the box.

Speaker 4 Oh, fuck. All right.
Well, thank you for joining us, Will, and good luck in Montreal. And we'll see you soon in America.
Thank you. Lovely to talk to you.

Speaker 4 Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 2 I promise you're gonna laugh.

Speaker 3 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 3 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 5 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Speaker 6 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 8 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 9 Terms apply.

Speaker 13 I keep telling myself I really should eat more fiber, more greens, more whole foods, less takeout, but another boring salad?

Speaker 4 No thanks.

Speaker 13 That's where Inspired Go comes in. They deliver chef-crafted salads and snacks that actually taste good.

Speaker 13 Crisp lettuce, a rainbow of toppings, homemade dressings, and everything you need to feel your best. No chopping, no planning, no sad lettuce.

Speaker 13 Get up to $77 off across your first four orders at inspiredgo.com. That's $77 off across your first four orders at inspiredgo.com.
Inspired Go, healthy eating made way too easy.