131 - The Past Times with Jen Kober

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, Jen Cober.

Hi, Jen.

Thank you for being back with us.

Hi, thanks for having me and getting up with all my

internet connectivity problems.

Jeez, Lord.

Where are you with internet issues right now?

I am in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

I'm performing tonight at the Walton Center.

The Waltons who famously own Walmart.

Walmart, I thought so.

Hey, don't.

So, Arkansas, they love their college baseball team.

And

they just lost in the World Series in what was the saddest self-destruction I have ever seen in sports.

And they're, so don't bring it up.

Yeah, that doesn't.

Don't say, what the fuck did you people do?

I won't.

Well, look, I live in Baton Rouge now.

Our team won the whole thing.

You do know.

Did you watch the game, the Arkansas LSU game?

It was.

I've never seen a team.

I did not.

It was this, it was.

Oh, no.

It was the saddest, like three plays in a row in which they just did the wrong thing.

And like, one guy had the ball hit off of him and rolled 20 feet to the fence.

Like, it was just, oh, she went away.

Jen's gone.

Jen left.

But it was sad.

Do you think I should wink more?

No, that's a question I'm not going to answer.

You just did.

Be honest, though.

It's a little titillating, right?

Nope.

Nope.

Now I don't know if we're using this for the podcast or not.

But we're using this.

nope

yeah

i miss jen

i think we're about to do one on our own jen i think i fixed it jen what in the fuck

look at this is why this is said this to y'all this is

i'm just amazed on a fucking wheel running the internet here

i'm just amazed that they have internet there

We're all impressed by them.

All right, so we'll jump back in.

So, Jen, did you watch the Arkansas team lose?

I did not.

I was sadly on an airplane when that was all happening, but didn't get to watch it in real time.

But I kept getting, you know, the Facebook notifications of people just like, holy shit, what the hell?

It was a pretty holy shit thing.

Well, Jen, you're on the road a lot.

Are you performing mainly at oligarch centers or will you do smaller town shows?

I do them all.

One night I'm in an oligarch center.

The next night I'm in like the loony bin in Tulsa.

Like you just never know.

Well,

the Looney Bin in Tulsa was just bought by Amazon.

Oh, no, Bezos.

You fuck.

Well, people can go to Jen Cobra, Cobra with a K

dot com for all your dates and everything.

You're wearing a Make America Gay Again hat.

Dave and I are not gay.

Are we allowed to wear that hat?

What is the

I think you are?

You can be an ally in all this hat.

Yes, I would wear it as an ally.

I have,

because it's Pride Month and I've been doing an insane this month.

I did 22 shows in

30 days.

Oh my God.

Crazy, crazy month.

And after every show, I would give away.

I have these little enamel sort of rainbow pride pins.

And some of them are little flags, some in her little hearts, some of them are popsicles, some of them are little hands making the heart sign.

So

the

and I, the straight people were getting upset.

They were like, is there, there's not a pin for straight people?

So I went and bought

for the straight people that have a little rainbow on them.

And they say, you are safe with me.

I cannot.

The insecurity.

I know.

They're like.

Of everything is so.

I had one guy in Tulsa tell me, he said, because, you know, on the ads that I posted on social media for the show, it said that it was my Pride 2025 tour.

It just was part of it.

Sure.

Because it was late June.

And one guy wrote, I am so sick of these gay people trying to cram their agenda down our throats.

I was like, dude, that's the gayest thing you've ever said.

What are you talking about?

Down your throat?

What kind of gay shit is that?

You are queer, son.

You need to come

sessions here.

It is so fucking crazy how

it's just the, you know what?

It's just like the, it was like Black Lives Matter, and then it was like, but do all lives matter?

And you're like, yeah, can we like hold, just give it a fucking minute.

Like, what are you doing?

Like, I'm white, and I'm hurt by the Black Lives Matter movement.

It's really sad when you have to have a movement just saying you fucking matter.

I know.

You have a month.

Can you imagine?

It would be so great to live in a country with straight Pride Month

and the gays were in charge of it watching what would happen to the Straits.

That would be the most boring

parade I've ever seen.

Now you're crossing a line, Jen.

Now you're not actually crossing a line.

You guys are frustrated, people.

We have all the colors.

We've taken the entire rainbow.

And just when you thought we left you the pastels and black and brown, we took that shit too for the trannies.

I'm telling you, we knew it all.

We have gray.

Yeah, we got gray.

No, I think gray is in there.

Fuck.

I mean, it rhymes with gay, so it's difficult anyway.

Oh, Jesus.

There's no move left to become gay.

We're all going to die.

We're all going to die, die.

And that's the good news.

It won't matter.

We're just skeletons.

All right, Jen, you know what we do here.

This is you're a fan favorite, so you're back.

And you know what we do.

We're going to go through this newspaper.

And we're going to start by guessing the year of the paper.

Again, there's no context.

This is just for fun.

You'll go first, and Dave will probably make it so you win.

But I, a couple days ago, guessed one two years short, and the guest won still.

So feel though.

There was a reason for that.

No, there wasn't.

Shut up.

It was a five.

He had a five in his

cents.

No.

That's the way we change it up is that there's different ways to win.

It's offensive to my people, the English white straits.

So, Jen, go ahead.

Why don't you take a guess?

I'm going to say 1977.

Wow.

I think you pushed it.

I really do.

You got cocky.

It's gay pride month.

You're feeling yourself.

I don't think it's going to be night.

I don't think it's going to be be nice.

I think I'm going to go with a 1902.

It is 1883.

1883.

Closer.

Since we only had one guess, I'm going to say Jen.

You heard my guess.

No.

No, I heard it.

I couldn't hear you.

1902.

Oh, I didn't hear that.

No, all I heard was Jen's guess.

So Jen wins.

You ran out the clock, Gareth, and because of that, you lost.

You got to jump on that, and you got to get your guess in there just a little bit quicker.

That's why we have buzzers.

It is the Wheeler County Gazette from Cumminsville, Nebraska.

Oh, dear God.

Who wants to do it?

We got corn.

We got corn.

Cumminsville.

Cumminsville must be like, stop taking pictures near our signs.

Well, there were no pictures in 1880.

No, but I mean, now, is Cumminsville still a town?

Sketching pictures of our town.

You know, you didn't have to come all the way to Cumminsville to sketch the downside.

It meant a lot to me.

Cumminsville, Nebraska, did you say, Dave?

Yeah, it's in Nebraska.

I mean, it's probably not.

I think they changed it.

I think

they changed the name.

They probably changed the name.

They're like, look,

there's too many teenage boys coming around here making fun of us.

Look, we're going with the name Jizzom Time.

Oh, no, wait.

It's still there.

It's still there.

It's still there.

And how many serial killers are from there?

Many.

Oh.

Wow.

Oh, then there's a South Cumminsville in.

There's also a Cumminsville in Kentucky and one in New York.

Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah.

I'm going to do a tour of it.

Those Cummins boys really got around.

Those Cumminsville kids.

It doesn't look like it's even really a town, though.

It just says it's an unincorporated community.

Yeah, but that's cool.

It doesn't say how many people live there.

So

it's a sham.

Wow.

Oh my gosh.

Shout out to you.

Listen to this.

Cumminsville was established in 1881 and was the first town in Wheeler County.

It was named for pioneer homesteader Frank Cummins and was located in Beaver Valley.

Beaver Valley.

I mean, they had

Jesus Christ.

The jokes are writing themselves.

Beaver County, Cumminsville Beaver.

Next town over is the

high

in the anal mountain range.

So there's a local matters thing here

column.

It's just got a bunch of little things.

Like deer signs can be seen in the sandhills south of town.

I think they mean poo

Because signs is in

little

quotations.

That's probably poo, right?

They're probably saying that there's...

Jen, I don't know if you're like me, but anytime I hear a grown-up say poo, it's funny.

Saying I think they mean poo is just particularly fun.

I think they mean poo.

That's the name of my new podcast.

I only say poo when referencing a bear wearing no pants.

But man, when he takes a shit, that's funny.

Well, nothing gets on his pants, that's for sure.

No, it's the move.

You know more shit in your pants.

That's what's great about that move.

I mean, if your name's Pooh, you're really careful to be like, I can't shit anywhere.

No one can see it.

And

I don't react well to honey.

Yeah, dude, you're friends with an ass.

Hey, look, it's an ass and Pooh.

Oh, no.

Why do we hang out?

We're low-hanging fruit.

And then Tigger's like,

fruit.

Tigger, Jesus Christ.

It's obvious.

Tigger, please.

Prairie chickens are said to be numerous in this vicinity.

Okay.

It's a story they put in the

beginnings of free-range chicken.

Right there.

Yeah, prairie chickens that just roam the world freely.

Yeah, there's a lot of prairie cock in Cumminsville in the beaver district.

I'm looking for prairie cock.

Well, boy, you're gonna have to go to Cumminsville.

I need me a couple of juicy breasts.

I gotta get a couple of juicy breasts on that cock.

The young folks of Clearwater are talking of a dance soon.

Cumminsville youths are anxious to assist.

Let us know the date.

I mean,

what's this?

It's like the Cummins boys had to invite themselves to the dance.

Like, hey, we'll put decorations if we can go.

They were so...

I mean, imagine a dance.

Like back then when all you just like fucking was just so far off the radar when you're like, maybe I could fuck tonight.

Like, there must have been a lot of dance comments.

I don't think any of them were worried about sex.

I think they were like

just

just

they were those were the boys that were like to just touch the tip.

Those were the boys.

Yeah.

I think they were.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The soakers of the world.

Shout out, soakers.

God bless you.

There's probably a high Mormon population there in the Cummins world.

Boy, can you imagine trying to pull off a soap?

What a nice.

I didn't even know what that was until I became friends with a Mormon girl from Utah who had

laughed my ass off.

Well, I think you should explain it to people.

So, apparently, what it is, is because Mormon,

unmarried Mormon folks, are not supposed to have sex.

So, what they do is they insert the penis into the vagina and let it soak

in the juices.

There be no movement.

Like mirrors.

What they do is they some he puts it in and then they have somebody else jump on the bed to make the mulch and that's called the ocean.

The ocean.

Yeah,

that's the ocean.

So so you've got soaking, which is just putting it in, and the theory is just let it sit there.

And God's like, I don't hate it.

And then you've got your friend jumping on the bed, and that's apparently okay too.

So you're just like, jump closer to my balls, Jesus Christ, jump near my balls.

And then, so I okay, so then I heard about bagpiping, which blew my mind.

Any clue on what bagpipes are?

I mean, I know how a bagpipe is played, and I'm getting a very specific mental picture in my head.

Well, to secure the bagpipes, one puts a strap over their shoulder, and one could argue that the bagpipe looks a little like a ball bag.

So bagpiping is armpit fucking.

Oh, wow.

Have a good show, guys.

I'm out of here.

Wow.

Yeah.

So, guys, so Mormons invented the worst three-way of all time.

Yes.

Well, I don't think you need another person there to bagpipe.

No, I think it's just

when you come, you don't hear it for like 10 minutes.

I believe that's

Dr.

Kepper, just for the record, just to bring them back up.

See, now that's good.

Soaking and Dr.

Epper.

So thank you.

What a mixed bag.

I don't know how to feel.

Yeah.

What's wrong with you?

And this is.

Don't let a mixed bag pike.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When I was in New York studying acting, there was a young Mormon,

young, she's 25 or whatever.

Sure.

And

after a while, everyone was like, oh, if you get her as a scene partner, she'll let you make out.

You would go into her.

She'd be like, yeah, come on to my house and we'll do the scene.

And then you'd walk in and she'd go, okay, just nothing from the waist down.

And you could just make out and feel their boobs.

That was what

I'm proud of.

I never meet a Mormon.

Yeah, come on.

That would have been a hell of a taste.

Well, yeah, it is nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it's nice.

It's harder for you, though, Jen, because

they have to be two steps removed from their process in order to be like, like,

letting an acting scene, a straight acting scene partner come over and kiss them and feel their boobs is like, that's the pathway to being uh open to everything

uh wanted 500 bushels of corn and the same of oats delivered in cummingsville jesus christ jen called it this is the most farm this is yeah this is just it's like a farm list

It's also like a wish list.

Like, hey, if you're having a dance, we'll come help.

Hey, if you got any food, well, thank you.

Like, what?

Who's got oats?

Tasty chickens.

No, it's just one, it's just one creep with a paper and everyone's like, don't go there.

That guy's freaky.

Charlie Staple has our thanks for two luscious watermelons.

The first we have seen this season.

They were so large, Charlie, that we invited our friends to partake with us.

We should have brought them to the dance.

When you offer a dance with two watermelons, the ladies are going to be like, fuck yeah, let's dance.

I mean, make them earn the watermelon.

You like juicy thing with seeds in them?

Right this way, ladies.

Yeah, well, how great it must have been to like get a watermelon.

Like for them to be that sought-off, like after, and then you actually get one to be like, oh my,

I mean, this is that's a that's a big win, a watermelon in Cumminsball.

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, Len Robinson comes to the front with two large radishes, one measuring 28 inches in diameter in circumference, and the other 22.

Stop it.

These are the production of the sandhills.

This is a radish you carve with a knife.

What?

This is a Thanksgiving radish.

It's 28.

It's a pumpkin carving radish.

Yeah, this is a 28-inch radish.

This is glorious.

You feed yourself.

You need to begin megamised Jack-O-Radish.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Len Robinson comes to the front with two large radishes.

He comes to the front with two large radishes.

I mean, everything in this paper is insinuative.

Well, this is what I are having some sort of like

in Cumminsville, you would think, I mean, it's no surprise that they're comparing size of things, but the fact that what they've chosen is garden vegetables is what's making me laugh.

Hey, hey, look, I got these two big O, big ass radishes.

Man, the circumference on these these bad boys is off the charts.

And then

it's coming forward, and then Charlie's like, hey, but I got they didn't compare to my watermelons.

It's not like they was watermelon radishes.

Can you imagine showing up to a watermelon event with radishes?

It's like, these are delicious.

Anyone want

a bitter ground pepper?

You're like, get the, those are disgusting.

Dave likes radishes.

He's already

lost radish.

It's like, that's like like some serial killer shit.

That really is.

A 28-inch radish.

Just leave me alone for a week.

Nobody will want to be around you.

Don't worry about it.

Put me in the room with the radish.

You what?

And they make the little radish look like a rose.

Yeah.

That's because it's mainly garnish.

It's mainly, nobody is supposed to sit there and eat it like a fucking apple.

It's psychotic.

Why don't the last time you talked about this and I was pro-radish?

You did not go read the Patreon comments that were largely pro-radish.

You are lone.

You're getting the psychos out.

That's just psychos are trying to find a home and they're like, finally, a radish leader.

Us regular people aren't chiming in because we're like, enjoy all that.

Sorry, I have a palate.

However, watermelon radishes are delicious and are a thing.

Interesting.

Peace is possible.

Thank you, Charles.

Interesting.

Thank you.

We can both be happy.

I still am mad at Dave.

Thank you, Den.

The

Schuler Herald.

A serious accident occurred in a grove east of town on Sunday last.

A young gentleman and lady named respectively, what is J-O-S-Dot?

What's that short?

What's that abbreviation?

Jocelyn.

Jocelyn.

Jocelyn, maybe?

Jocelyn Severin and Francis Cironi,

maybe Joseph?

Sure.

It's a dude.

We're walking together when Severin pulled a pistol from his pocket.

Okay, well.

Escalating.

So

a guy's walking with a lady, a couple of

young couple, and then he just whips out a pistol.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

They call that toxic masculinity now, but it used a simpler time.

You can just take a pistol out when you were having a walk with a woman and nobody freaked out.

What he said is that a gun in your pocket are you just happy to see me?

And he was like, no, no.

Yeah.

It's a gun.

I can't get hard.

He pulled it for the purpose of shooting at a bird.

This is such a dude thing.

Just walk with the lady.

Just enjoy the lady.

Nobody's impressed with that.

And then she kills the bird and then he just sticks it back in his pocket and she's supposed to swim.

That's exactly what it is.

Anyway, what were you saying?

You like to shop?

It reminds me of...

I knew a comedian, and she was in New York, and she went to a movie on a date, the first date with this guy.

And he came out, and you know the cardboard cutouts they have.

Some actor, he just after the movie, they're walking out, and he just runs up and rips the head off and like looks at her like she'll be excited.

And she's just like,

I don't want to see you anymore.

This is our last date.

It's such a dude thing where you're saying because you rip a head off, other dudes are like, Hell yeah!

He still has Tom Cruise's head in his closet.

He's like, Don't worry, I started fucking this instead of her.

Yeah, that is such a guy thing.

Yeah, I dunked.

Did you see how I dunked that trash?

Like, cool, you're

okay.

As and as he was swinging the gun around to the proper point, it accidentally discharged

the ball lodging in the young lady's shoulder.

Okay, so I'm not buying the story, but okay.

He just shot her, you think?

He shot her.

Yeah, he did.

He shot her.

That's more relatable.

That was a bird on your shoulder five seconds ago.

I swear to God.

bird that's way more relatable it's way more relatable to be like I shot this woman in the arm than to be like I was trying to get a bird and then I swung it too much you can see the signs it's poo look look they said I thought it was a prairie chicken

I got too excited oh my god Dr.

Woods was called and he extracted the ball.

The wound is not dangerous and the patient is doing well.

The wound is not dangerous.

I mean,

every wound is dangerous in 1883.

Number one,

you only have to shoot her once.

She's going to learn that lesson.

Yeah.

And now she knows.

It's very true.

It's you shoot a woman once, and she understands how to treat you for a lifetime.

Right.

Now she laughs at all my jokes.

Yeah, by the way, that was quite an investment I made.

I too have to see some watermelons at the front.

Now I just have to take the gun out.

And she agrees agrees with what I'm saying.

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uh north bend flail

that's a weird name for a paper the flail flow so what if these are just sort of pinched articles from other yeah periodical

they're pinching articles and then really so far not it super interesting so okay well i don't know the the young lady getting shot in the eye i enjoyed that one that one was enjoyable um yesterday while the young son of cp dickerson was herding about three miles west of town he discovered the remains of a human body

well that's fun

by me

I just

it's so fucking hilarious to just be like walking and be like, that is a skeleton.

Many unattended diaries.

This isn't the same.

Yeah.

Dong, dong.

Come, come.

Word was sent to town, and this morning a company went out to investigate.

They found the bones of a full-grown woman.

of probable maturity.

She was a bird.

Yeah, well, she had a bad word.

So probable maturity.

So, they were like, probably an adult woman.

It's like, do we need a new coroner?

I think it was a grown.

Yeah, no shit, dude.

There's like fully formed bones.

It was a big.

This was a big.

And I think a woman, because look at all the holes in the pelvis.

Oh, guys have that too?

I don't know.

I'm lost.

I don't know what it would be.

The skull showed marks of intelligence.

So we're thinking now a man.

The more that we are examining, we're starting to think it might be a man.

This had a brain horse.

Mark's

corner.

They brought a guy out, and he's like, so you're the expert, right, Jimmy?

Yeah,

she's big and full woman, wow,

smart, smart, big rack, everything you'd want.

A real winner.

Dr.

Woods was, oh, no, that was the last one.

A cotton flannel skirt and a calico waist was all the clothes with it.

Well, that's helpful to the coroner that they found a lesbian.

Flannel skirt.

Come on, man.

She had to be, she had we have to wear flannel somewhere, and she's on the prairie, but she had to find a flannel skirt.

Yep.

I believe it was a, he like eats dirt.

It shows signs of manliness and intelligence.

It must be a lesbian.

He's tracking it.

There might be more around here if we're not careful.

Stay low.

Guard your watermelons.

Guard your watermelons.

Guard your watermelons.

There's a whole herd of lesbians coming through.

Run, lesbians.

We call that a lesba gaggle

when you run into a whole group of them at once,

the bones were brought to town and are in charge of Dr.

Lynn.

They're in charge of him?

So the skeleton's your boss.

Okay.

There you go.

Take orders from that.

There you are.

It was pretty smart.

It had holes in the head.

Anyway, take care.

Next story.

Miss Hattie West of Ponca.

Ponka is a terrible name for a town.

I don't agree.

Ponca City, Oklahoma is one of the worst places I've ever been in my life.

See?

Jen's going everywhere.

She's literally been everywhere.

Ponka.

Hey, Ponka, how's it going?

It's great to be here.

Imagine saying that with a straight face.

Ponca, are you guys enjoying Pride Week?

What's the Ponca's Pride situation?

You seen Joe Clairs behind a barn one time?

stands like a statue the time we saw girls hold hands.

Miss Hattie West of Ponca had an experience the other day.

I bet she did.

In the like of which not many girls would have come out with equal credit.

What the fuck does that mean?

What happened to?

Fucking...

It's big.

Does that mean she came out the same way she went in, or does that mean...

No, she handled it better than most women.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think.

She was driving alone from Ponca to Sioux City.

Well, now it's like Jen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She was at the Walmart Center.

And when on a lonely part of the road, a drunken Indian stepped into the road.

Jesus Christ.

Well,

I mean, you got to.

you know, use the terms of the time as horrible as they are.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah.

Drunken Indian, come on.

Yeah, it's not great.

It's not great.

Yeah, you're really itching for it.

I mean, if you're going to write about something fascinating, how about a sober Indian?

Jen Coburn no longer appearing at the Walton Center.

Somehow she'll camp before podcast airs.

It's very weird to grow up in California where we basically killed all the Native Americans and then going to like the Midwest or or places like this, Nebraska, Iowa, and experiencing the racism against Native Americans, and you're like, wait, what?

What's happening?

Yeah.

How dare you take this place before us?

It's just insane.

Disgusting.

So a drunken Indian stepped into the road and caught her horse by the bits.

Now, I would think that would be testicles, but it's not.

Oh.

I would think it's nuts.

It's what the horse bites into.

like, you know, the thing.

Oh, I definitely thought it was like Austin Powers style.

I've grabbed its bits, baby.

Yeah.

And at the same time, telling her to get out of the buggy.

Fortunately, she had a shotgun with her.

That's the great equalizer.

Well, she was getting like wagon jacked by.

Yeah, she was by the way.

I mean, I've been wagon jacked before, and it is a challenge.

I got wagon jacked behind Circus Liquors in

the valley.

I love a wagon jacking.

So, but if you're, it's, if it's 1883, you're traveling between two towns in Nebraska, you have a fucking shotgun if you're a lady.

Like, you're not cruising that route without a shotgun.

You need to, in case anybody grabs the bits of your horse.

Yeah, she's a bird.

She picked up the shotgun and drawing a bead on Mr.

Indian.

I mean, Jesus Christ, I love to try to be respectful.

And what is your name, sir?

Will Mr.

Indian do?

She told them to let go of the horse.

A glance at her face seemed to convince the Winnebago.

Okay,

so

I didn't know this.

I didn't either.

But yeah, Winnebago is apparently named after a tribe.

Isn't that cool how we do that?

It's fucking ridiculous how...

goddamn colonizers.

White people are such the

guy.

It's me.

I.

I'm the problem.

It's me.

I just,

we get shit sometimes for shitting all over white people, but how can you not?

Like, it's, it's just endless.

Yeah.

It's just like a tribe of Indians.

And we're like, we will honor your tribe.

This vehicle that takes trashy tourists from state park to state park and the tube in the back where they empty the feces they've produced on the road from their Cheetos, we call it the Winnebago.

You're welcome.

No, no, don't touch it.

Don't even look at it.

Don't touch it.

Thanks.

It's not for you.

Honestly, we just wanted our land.

We will be driving into your land and ruining it by putting our grills and our used oil and trash all over that is not recyclable.

We will put potholes all over this desert.

We will ruin it and in a vehicle named after you, the Winnebagos.

You're very welcome.

Okay.

There you are.

Yeah, cool, man.

Yeah, it is.

I guess we'll.

Are you drunk?

Aren't you all drunk?

My friend Jim said you got.

Oh, sorry, I don't.

No, I'm in a fucking accountant.

I'm going to work.

Language.

Don't love it.

Have some respect, buddy.

She seemed to convince the Winnebago that she meant business, and so he sullenly retired and let her proceed on the way.

The Indian followed her nearly half a mile, but a wholesome fear of the

must be gun kept him at a safe distance.

Now, imagine if the

lead male in this story was white.

Do you think it would make any paper anywhere in the 1800s?

No, because he would have shot a bird.

I seen a prayer and kick it.

Leave it alone.

Yeah.

I'm looking to get wagon jacked.

Also,

that story is very young white lady type of story feel to me.

Yeah, that way when she shows up with the Indian baby, she has something to say.

That's totally what he wants.

Oh,

that makes sense.

That tricks.

Look, some Native American dude in the middle of nowhere just doesn't suddenly grab your horse.

Like, it's just oh, it's happened to me a bunch.

That's happened to my Honda a ton of times.

It reminds me of that scene in Blazing Saddles when they're trying to cross the

west and he they just put up a toll booth and he says, Somebody's going to have to go back for a shit ton of die.

Just one Indian out there just waiting for a white lady to

finally

killed in an elevator.

What?

Oh, like a grain elevator.

It has to be like a grain elevator or something, right?

No.

The boy in charge of the passenger elevator at the Grand Pacific in Chicago lost control of it Tuesday.

I have no concept of when anything was invented.

The elevator feels so future.

Yeah, but I think,

you know, how in all movies like that, the guy has the up and down thing there.

The crazy boy.

That must have controlled.

He was like pulling the elevator up.

Yeah.

It might be like the Flintstones, where there were like 30 chimps in the shaft, too, just yanking on the rope or something.

I'm pretty sure that's how it was.

Is that accurate, Dave?

Yeah, I had a history guy.

He advised two persons in the elevator to jump out at the next landing.

Is it bad when the guy in charge of the elevator suggests you jump out as soon as possible?

I've never experienced someone who's never experienced that.

I'm just curious if that's bad.

It speeds down.

I mean, I'm also wondering what kind of a door is on the elevator.

Honestly, no door?

I don't, I mean, maybe not.

It's just a little bed sheet that they made a curtain out of.

Yeah, yeah, just beads.

I bet it's just that when they have the little like cage thing that they

open up.

And even then, like,

you might want to jump out on the next floor, mister.

Oh, crap.

All right.

Go!

Hurry!

So, in doing so, one of them, a painter named Christian Jacobson, employed about the hotel, was killed.

Oh, fuck.

So he tried to jump out.

So he must have been like cut in half or something.

Not now.

Time it better.

You don't jump out of a movie elevator.

It's funny that he was a painter, and now his blood's all over us on the walls.

His last piece.

Oh, Jacob.

And then the coroner shows up and goes, I think this was a tiny little girl.

No.

Oh, no.

I don't know.

What do I know?

I think.

Killed by a constable.

This again.

Some things never change.

They call me ice.

Martin Caller, 31 years old, was shot and killed by Constable Johnson at the suburb of Highland Park, Chicago, Wednesday night.

Wow.

The constable fled after the shooting.

Is that a good sign when the law enforcement also takes off?

Shit, cops, run.

You are cops.

Shit.

5-0, get out of here.

What?

What?

An attempt was made by friends of the dead man to burn Johnson's house.

There you go.

By the way,

I like it.

I like the idea that if you can't find them, you just burn their home.

Like, all right, let's just burn their house down.

Well, that'll teach them.

Let's get rid of all their stuff.

They're claiming that the killing was unprovoked.

Well, yeah, he ran away.

It was absolutely unprovoked.

He didn't play it well.

The cop didn't play it well.

The constable did not handle that well by force.

No, you got to go like, there is a prairie bird on his shoulder.

Yeah, you plant the prairie bird.

That's what I like about today's policing.

Yeah, they got good lives.

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't run.

You just go like, he said he's going to shoot me.

Okay, then.

All right, I'm going to go home.

I'm tired.

That murder got me all tuckered out.

I'm so tired from that murder.

Johnson put in an appearance.

The next morning, suffering from knife wounds claimed to have been received by him in attempting to arrest Keller and some boy companions.

Nope, he made those that morning.

He goes home and just stabs himself.

Yeah.

What are you doing, honey?

Ah, corroborate.

I'll see you in a bit.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, your job is weird.

Yeah, it's strange.

Oakland.

A daring robbery.

That's it, okay?

That's it.

That's the story.

Conclusions are not in this paper, but Oakland.

No, they're like, you know, figure it out yourself.

I gave you all the, yeah.

Yeah.

It's bullet blocks.

A daring robbery was committed yesterday afternoon on the road about one and a half miles north of this village.

Scary.

Sure.

Charles Oakson and son had just arrived from Illinois to take possession of his farm, which he had purchased a month ago.

Okay.

Sure.

He bought a farm.

Yep.

Mr.

Oakson and started up to the farm with a team and a farm wagon and had two or three trunks aboard

Just before leaving Main Street a young man

asked for a ride saying he wanted to go up to Lions

Well, you got to give him a ride because

small town.

Sure.

You got to give him a ride.

Okay.

It's just neighbor.

It's neighborly.

Sure.

You remember hitchhiking?

Did you hitchhike when you were younger?

No, what the fuck?

What do I look like?

60?

Did you hitchhike?

Oh, yeah, we hitchhiked.

We literally hitchhiked everywhere.

Yeah, that's insane to me.

Jen, anything?

I tried to hitchhike one time when I was like 15 years old in Los Angeles.

We got in a guy's car.

I've never been so scared in my life.

And this whole car smelled like pee.

And I was like, we got to get out.

And we did.

You know,

if you girls want to piss, just go ahead.

I was

just.

Don't worry.

You hitchhiked, Dave.

Oh my god, dude, we hitchhiked.

Yeah, when I was in high school, everybody hitchhiked everywhere.

It wasn't hitchhike, it was pre-Uber.

This is what they called

Uber thug.

Yeah,

but look, I got a ride from Father Guido Sarducci.

Wow.

Yeah, he gave me, he lived near me, apparently.

And

I got a ride from a guy with a boner.

That was one of them.

It was in gym shorts.

Dragon.

Yeah, we get it.

Yeah, you were cute.

And then a guy who showed me his gun.

So those are probably the three.

The gun and the boner were different guys?

Yeah.

Might have been the same guy, and your trauma might have separated them.

The gun was the boner guy I was in.

It's a great title.

It was the first year of college, and I was.

So that was kind of a long ride, like maybe 25 minutes, but the gun guy.

The boner sustained the whole ride?

Yeah, he was rubbing it.

Oh, okay.

Well, now the plots.

So he's doing a bit of wagon jacking.

Yeah, he was wagon jacking.

He was hoping I'd join in, but I did not join in.

And if you did, it's okay.

Nobody would think judging.

I would judge.

I know, but I would judge.

Jan, stop.

Let's get him over here.

I'd be like, what?

I want to go where you are.

What's going on?

At least he could wear that hat properly.

Wearing a brown.

Dave, I didn't know you were gay.

I'm not, but I sucked a guy's dick through his gym shorts when I hitchhiked in high school.

Okay, welcome aboard.

That don't make me gay, Cohen.

That don't make me gay.

All right.

So, if everyone who sucked the guy's dick through his gym shorts because they were hard and he was giving him a ride is gay, then this old nation's gay.

The guy with the gun was between San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara, so that was a much longer, much more terrifying ride.

jesus christ

uh okay so

uh a seat was given to him on one of the trunks behind mr oakson and the boy all went well until they reached a secluded spot besides a large cornfield which is all that's all of nebraska yeah

one mile and a half from town when the quote meek young man in the rear opened his grip sack uh-oh Oh, boy.

Get a rear grip sack.

That is

hard to handle.

I'll tell you.

Look, sometimes you just gotta release the grip sack.

There's only one way to do it.

Turn the line.

And he pulled out a revolver and he demanded their money.

Or he said, quote, you're dead on the spot.

The old gentleman had just deposited several thousand dollars in the Bank of Oakland and had only about $10.

Okay,

that was money.

Yeah.

So he took it together with a watch and a chain, also $25 and a watch from the boy.

Constable Wallen, on hearing of the facts, called out several citizens and started in pursuit, but darkness coming on, most of them returned and reported he was not found.

Hmm.

They didn't need that last part.

Yeah.

Okay.

So we're not really getting any closure there, obviously

yeah no see what was on unsolved mysteries comin's though oh

that's a great show it's a great

ruin my life

why would i want to you to tell me all about a fucking crime only to tell me you don't know who did it how unsatisfying what is that

i was like that's why i didn't hitchhike I would watch that show, and then it was Robert Stack, like in a graveyard, said he's still out there looking for boys like you, Gareth.

I was like, Oh my god,

so scared.

The reenactments.

Can you imagine booking one of those reenactments back in the day?

You're like, Things are pretty good.

I just booked an unsolved mystery.

I'm a wife abuser, but uh, they're saying they want to bring me back for a murder guy.

Look, we hitchhiked because we trusted people, we didn't have this fear of society.

Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

A guy at a gun, it was he was just showing it off.

Yeah, it's weird.

Don't get weird.

I didn't get shot

by either guy.

I just showed him my grip sack.

That's all.

I just had to ride with my grip sack out the whole time.

Hey, man, it's going to be a long ride.

You might want to take your nuts out.

Okay.

Hey, man, your paws are probably going to get pretty sweaty.

What do you say we do bags out for this trip?

Okay, so this is an ad, so I got to read it.

Oh, this is Squarespace.

Sorry, Jen.

So the product is Mensmans.

M-E-N-N-S.

It's a newspaper.

N-A-N-S.

So the Pastimes is brought to you by Mensmans.

Go ahead, Dave.

Read the copy.

Mensman's peptinized beef tonic.

So Dave and I, sorry about that you have to be here for this, Jen.

So Dave and I, look, we love a tonic.

We've been into pork tonics for a while.

But Dave, correct me if I'm wrong, this is the best beef tonic I've had.

I mean, we love this beef tonic.

It's such a good beef tonic.

Oh, it's just, I mean, who doesn't have a bit of bouillon and think, I wish this was carbonated?

And Gareth, this one is peptinized.

I love the peptinized one.

So use promo code pastimes at checkout when you're getting this new beef tonic.

So the pastimes, sorry, you have to be here for this, Jen.

This is just kind of how we make the money.

So this beef tonic is just unbelievable.

We love it here at the pastime.

I'm drinking a little bit of it right now.

If I seem spicy, that's because.

Now remember, use promo code pastimes at checkout.

Tell them the Dallop sent you.

You'll be glad you did.

You know what happened?

He invented this beach tonic.

And when everybody saw that it was bubbly, they were like, that's kind of girly.

Why you got this bubbly beach tonic?

That's this kind of girly.

He was like, no, no, I'm calling it men's men.

It's only for men's.

This would burn a hole through a lady's throat.

Now have a sip of men's men's.

And then they're all like, I don't want to be called not manly.

I'm going to break the burly fizzy beef juice.

There you go.

Nice beef juice.

I can look it up, but I do believe peptinized is like partially, you put it in a, through a process that like partially digests it.

What?

Hey, this is Jim.

He's going to drink it, and then we'll take it out of him halfway through.

What are we going to have him do?

Mensman is meant to be regurgitated and then drunk by the next guy.

That's how you know you're a real mensman.

This is the mensman is different from all the other brands because it's half taken down already.

You're going to love it.

We treat you like a baby bird.

Here you go.

Mensman.

Sure, this beef tonic.

Peptonize refers to the process of artificially pre-digesting food, typically by using enzymes like pepsin or pancreatic extract to aid digestion.

So

they are taking it out.

They are taking enzymes out of people and mixing that in?

Or there is someone.

No,

they're taking, well, it is a pancreatic extract, or I don't know what pepsin is, but it breaks down the proteins into smaller

peptones, peptides, amino acids.

So it's breaking things down.

You have the gift of being able to make things.

And what you chose to make was some half-digestive fizzy beef juice.

I mean, he could have cornered the market on meth if he'd have put his little mind to it.

Does anyone know where I could buy some pancreatic enzymes?

By the way, we laugh, but then the liver king exists.

So, what do we know?

The only preparation to be of beef containing its entire nutrious properties, it contains blood-making, force-genering, and life-sustaining properties.

I actually just got a text.

Dave Mensman's dropped out.

I guess they didn't like, they didn't care for our grasp on their product.

That sucks.

All right.

Well, that was a good ad.

Yeah, that's great.

I'm definitely thirsty.

A party of Commonsville gentlemen consisting of A.B.

Unungst, G.M.

Hume, and Dick Linderman, F.W.

Jesus.

F.W.W.

Dodd Dobbin Dick.

What the fuck?

Just no, shut up.

Shut your goddamn mouth.

Dobbin Dick in Cumminsville?

Yeah, Dobbin Dick.

Dob and Dick.

He was gone by Constable Johnson.

Well, well, well, Dobbin Dick.

If I'm not surprised to see you here again.

They thrust themselves on the hospitality of F.R.

Biganold.

Big and what the fuck?

Shut up.

This is not real.

This is not.

Are you being serious?

This is like a cartoon.

I'm serious.

Big and old.

That's my type, by the way.

That's my porn search engine.

Big and old.

It could be big and old, but big and old, seems to be.

Big and old.

Fred brought out the watermelon patch and told the boys to go in.

Mr.

Big and Old had some of the finest melons that ever grew, but they are gone.

I'm not, Jen, have at it.

I'm not doing it.

This is

it's so obvious.

What's

their obsession with watermelons is just repugnant.

Suspicious.

It's killing the town.

It is.

It is killing the town.

And the Indian population.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

A shower of fish is reported to have fallen at Monte Morlos, Mexico.

As shower?

Sounds like something Trump would say.

Is that like in that movie Magnolia when it started raining frogs?

The frog rain.

Yeah, I guess.

Showering fish.

Raining fish.

Yeah.

Sometimes fish just fall from the sky.

A lot of times.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's that's happening all the time in Tampa.

Would the loaves fall as well?

Can we get like a whole dinner?

Fish and chip.

Please, Lord, how about some tartar sauce, Hale?

Pius Pickering says his crop of frogs this year is not so large as last year's, but he has an immense crop of hay.

Oh, cool shit, dude.

What?

What the fuck are you?

What a follow-up to be like, I don't have any frogs, but I have straw.

Cool, dude.

Yeah.

No.

Hey!

No.

Yeah.

Oh, here we go.

Bert Unengst brought a mammoth radish to our office last Saturday.

What is with this town?

That measured 19 and a half inches in circumference.

That ain't shit.

That ain't shit.

23 inches in length.

That ain't shit.

10 pounds.

That ain't shit.

We had a 28-incher earlier.

Like a baby arm.

But Bert.

Yeah.

It's really upsetting.

Just talking about it.

what a horrible time.

When it was like, come on over, we're having radish for supper.

Cumminsville has a turnip eater who would like an engagement.

For further particulars, address the gazette.

What is the diet?

It is horrendous.

And by the way, it's still pretty much the menu in Britain right now.

It's a lot of vegetables there in Nebraska.

It's a lot of root.

It's a lot of root ones.

So a turnip eater just contacted the paper.

He's like, hey, can you get it out there?

I'm looking for a turnip.

Yeah, we need articles.

The way the town was trying to get invited to the dance.

It would be great to put Turnip Eater on Craigslist and just see who hits you up.

Turnip Eater, looking for a connection.

Hello, I'm a turnip.

Yeah, just some guys like, hello.

Come on over.

We'll build trains.

I'm in a turnip costume.

The longest thing, this is just a one-sentence little blurb.

The longest thing, your friend's favorite story uh it's about when you hitchhiked

that's like the nilk of the day

right yeah that's like your goose and gallant

yeah real for plumbings well nebraska yeah yeah

um

mr vanderbilt has had an attack of genuine charity

attack

an attack the rich don't feel empathy they have attacks of generosity.

Well, he's there, Bezos.

He's the richest man.

Yeah, right.

While in the White Mountains, he learned that 30 of the waiters in the hotel where he stopped were college students earning money during the summer vacation to further their education.

Right.

So he's like, look at these young men working.

Students.

Wonderful.

Wow.

Mr.

Vanderbilt left behind him a check for $3,000 to be divided amongst the students, giving them $100 each.

The act was probably as noble as anything Vanderbilt ever did.

So that is about $2,800 in our.

His big, exciting, wealthy, philanthropic contribution to our youth was $3,000.

Like, come on.

Yep.

And the paper's writing about it, like, what a great gesture.

Every time you hear that, you're just like, these people should not exist.

The idea that you're just like, wow, what philanthropy from a guy who will never miss it.

Wow.

No, he's

nothing.

I've got $100 and a big radish.

There you are, boys.

That's the tip.

All right, last one.

A boy who was tried recently in Kentucky on the charge of carrying a concealed weapon was acquitted on the ground that he was too small to conceal a weapon so large.

Thank you.

That's what I'm saying.

Wait, was that going to even put it?

Step a little closer to the mic, boy.

Wait, would I even put it?

Very good point.

This boy's too tiny.

It's bigger than I am.

I can't even pick it up.

How did I pick it up?

Oh, you're so cute.

This boy didn't commit a murder.

Look at the size of him.

Why, he's the size of a matchstick.

I've seen radishes bigger than this boy.

Why, he's only 17 inches and support.

The paper got three radishes last week bigger than that.

Then he pulls out a gun.

You fell right into my trap, Judge.

Jesus Christ, little boy.

Oh, God, he's a Native American.

I see him burn on your shoulder.

Now, watch it.

What's with your gym shorts, little man?

You know what to do.

Anybody want to go to San Luis Abyss

the old-fashioned way?

Yo, Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Well, more normal stuff from American history, Jen.

Thank you for joining us.

Happy Pride Month.

I'm excited to see Dave in a hat like that.

People can go to JenCobra.com for all your stand-up dates.

Are you going to slow down with the road for a minute, or are you still just out there doing what you're doing?

I'm out here doing it, man.

I'm safe enough to get to another country.

Oh, good idea.

I don't know why.

Maybe somewhere where they get big radishes and lots of watermelons.

Well, we've got the place for you.

Well, thank you, Jen.

Hilarious as always.

much appreciated.

And

happy Pride Month.

And again,

it is an offense to us as straight whites.

Well, there's only six days.

Only six days left.

You'll be okay.

It's hell.

It's big.

You don't know.

You don't know what it's like for us.

Yeah.

Imagine feeling so marginalized for one month out of the year.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days,

hey, dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics.

That means fewer stains and more peace of mind.

Designed for real life, our sofas feature changeable fabric covers, allowing you to refresh your style anytime.

Need flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa effortlessly.

Perfect for cozy apartments or spacious homes.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and built to last.

That's why over 200,000 happy customers have made the switch.

Upgrade your space today.

Visit washable sofas.com now and bring home a sofa made for life.

That's washablesofas.com.

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