131 - The Past Times with Jen Kober

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, Jen Cober.

Hi, Jen. Thank you for being back with us.
Hi, thanks for having me and putting up with all my

internet connectivity problems. Jeez, Lord.

Where are you with internet issues right now? I am in Fayetteville, Arkansas. I'm performing tonight at the Walton Center.

The Waltons who famously own Walmart. Walmart, I thought so.
Hey, don't.

So Arkansas, they love their college baseball team.

And

they just lost in the World Series in what was the saddest self-destruction I've ever seen in sports.

And they're so don't bring it up.

Don't say, what the fuck did you people do? I won't.

Well, look, I live in Baton Rouge now.

Our team won the whole thing. You do know.
Did you watch the game, the Arkansas LSU game? It was.

I've never seen a team. I did not.
It was this. It was...
Oh, no. It was the saddest, like three plays in a row in which they just did the wrong thing.

And like, one guy had the ball hit off of him and rolled 20 feet to the fence. Like, it was just, oh, she went away.
Jen's gone.

Jen left.

But it was sad. Do you think I should wink more? No, that's a question I'm not going to answer.
You just did.

Be honest, though. It's a little titillating, right? Nope.
Nope. Now I don't know if we're using this for the podcast or not.

But we're using this. Nope.

Yeah.

I miss Jen.

I think we're about to do one on our own. Jen.
I think I fixed it. Jen.

What in the fuck?

Look at this. This is why this is.
I've said this to y'all. This is...

I'm just amazed. On a fucking wheel running the internet here.

I'm just amazed that they have internet there.

We're all impressed by them.

All right, so we'll jump back in. So, Jen, did you watch the Arkansas team lose?

I did not. I was sadly on an airplane when that was all happening, but didn't get to watch it in real time.
But

I kept getting, you know, the Facebook notifications of people just like, holy shit, what the hell?

It was a pretty holy shit thing.

Well, Jen, you're on the road a lot.

Are you performing mainly at oligarch centers or will you do smaller town shows and stuff? I do them all. One night I'm in an oligarch center.
The next night I'm in like the loony bin in Tulsa.

Like you just never know. Well,

the looney bin in Tulsa was just bought by Amazon. Oh, no, Bezos.

You fuck.

Well, people can go to Jen Cobra, Cobra with a K

dot com for all your dates and everything. You're wearing a Make America Gay Again hat.

Dave and I are not gay. Are we allowed to wear that hat? What is the

ally in all this hat?

Yes, I would wear it as an ally. I have,

because it's Pride Month and I've been doing an insane. This month I did 22 shows in

30 days.

Oh my God.

It was a crazy, crazy month.

And after every show, I would give away. I have these little enamel sort of rainbow pride pins.

Some of them are little flags, some of them are little hearts. Some of them are popsicles.
Some of them are little hands making the heart sign. So

the straight people were getting upset.

They were like,

there's not a pin for straight people. So I went and bought

for the straight people that have a little rainbow on them. And they say, you are safe with me.

I cannot.

The insecurity. I know.
They're like.

Of everything is so. I had one guy in Tulsa tell me, he said, because, you know, on the ads that I posted on social media for the show, it said that it was my Pride 2025 tour.
It just was part of it.

Sure. Because it was late, June.

And one guy wrote, I am so sick of these gay people trying to cram their agenda down our throats. I was like, dude, that's the gayest thing you've ever said.
What are you talking about?

Cram it down your throat? What kind of gay shit is that?

You are queer, son. You need to come

sessions here.

It is so fucking crazy how

it's just the, you know what? It's just like the, it was like Black Lives Matter, and then it was like, but do all lives matter? And you're like, yeah, can we like hold, just give it a fucking minute.

Like, what are you doing? Like, I'm white, and I'm hurt by the Black Lives Matter movement.

It's really sad when you have to have a movement just saying you fucking matter.

I know.

You have a month. Can you imagine? It would be so great to live in a country with straight Pride Month and every and the gays were in charge of it, watching what would happen to the straights.

That would be the most boring

parade I've ever seen.

Now, now you're crossing a line, Jenny. Now you're not actually crossing a line.

You guys are fuck straight people. We have all the colors.
We've taken the entire rainbow.

And just when you thought we left you the pastels and black and brown, we took that shit too for the trannies. I'm telling you, we do it all.

We have gray. Yeah, we got gray.
No, I think gray is in there. Fuck.
I mean, it rhymes with gay, so it's difficult anyway. Oh, Jesus.

There's no move left to become gay. We're all going to die.

We're all going to die. And that's the good news.
It won't matter when we're just skeletons.

All right, Jen, you know what we do here. This is you're a fan favorite, so you're back.
And you know what we do. We're going to go through this newspaper.

And we're going to start by guessing the year of the paper. Again, there's no context.
This is just for fun. You'll go first, and Dave will probably make it so you win.

But I, a couple days ago, guessed one two years years short, and the guest won still. So feel no.
There was a reason for that. No, there wasn't.
Shut up.

There was a five. He had a five in his

sense. No.
That's the way we change it up, is that there's different ways to win. It's offensive to my people, the English white straits.

So, Jen, go ahead.

Why don't you take a guess? I'm going to say 1977. Wow.
Thank you. I think you pushed it.
I really do. You got cocky.
It's Kay Pride Month. You're feeling yourself.

I don't think it's going to be Sunday night. I don't think it's going to be night.
I think I'm going to go with a 1902. It is 1883.

1883.

Closer. Since we only had one guess, I'm going to say Jen's.

You heard my guess. No.
No, I couldn't hear you. 1902.

Oh, I didn't hear that. No, all I heard was Jen's guess.
So Jen wins. You ran out the clock, Gareth, and because of that, you lost.

You got to jump on that, and you got to get your guess in there just a little bit quicker.

That's why we have buzzers.

It is the Wheeler County Gazette from Cumminsville, Nebraska.

Oh, dear God.

He wants to do it. We got corn.

We got corn. Cumminsville.

Cumminsville must be like, stop taking pictures near our signs.

Well, there were no pictures in 1880.

No, but I mean, now, is Cumminsville still a town? Sketching pictures of our town.

You know, you didn't have to come all the way to Cumminsville to sketch the townside, it meant a lot to me. Cumminsville, Nebraska, did you say, Dave? Uh, yeah, it's in Nebraska.

I mean, it's probably,

I think they changed it. I think

they changed the name, they probably changed the name. They're like, Look,

there's too many teenage boys coming around here making fun of us. Look, we're going with the name Jizzom Time.

Oh, no, wait,

it's still there.

It's still there.

It's still there. And how many serial killers are from there?

Many.

Oh.

Wow.

Oh, and there's a South Cumminsville in. There's also a Cumminsville in Kentucky and one in New York.
Oh, that's crazy. Yeah.
I'm going to do a tour of it. Those Cummins boys really got around.

Those Cumminsville kids.

It doesn't look like it's even really a town, though. It just says says it's an unincorporated community.
Yeah, but that's cool.

It doesn't say how many people live there. So

it's a sham. Wow.
Oh, my God. Shout out to you.
Listen to this. Cumminsville was established in 1881 and was the first town in Wheeler County.

It was named for pioneer homesteader Frank Cummins and was located in Beaver Valley. Beaver Valley.
I mean, they had

Jesus Christ, the jokes are writing themselves.

Beaver County, Cumminsville Beaver. Next town over Slip.

Yeah.

In the Anal Mountain Range.

So there's a local matters thing here,

column. It's just got a bunch of little things.
Like deer signs can be seen in the sandhills south of town. I think they mean poo

because signs is in

little

quotations.

That means that's probably poo, right? They're probably saying that there's

Jen. I don't know if you're like me, but anytime I hear a grown-up say poo, it's fun.

I saying I think they mean poo is just particularly fun. I think they mean poo.
That's the name of my new podcast.

I only say poo when referencing a bear wearing no pants.

But man, when he takes a shit, that's funny.

Well, nothing gets on his pants, that's for sure. Nah, it's the move.
You know, more shit in your pants. That's what's great about that move.

I mean, if your name's Pooh, you're really careful to be like, I can't shit anywhere. No one can see it.

And

I don't react well to honey. Yeah, dude, you're friends with an ass.
Hey, look, it's an ass in Pooh. Oh, no.
Why do we hang out? This is, we're low hanging fruit.

And then Tigger's like, ooh,

tigger, Jesus Christ, it's obvious. Tigger, please.

Prairie chickens are said to be numerous in this vicinity. Okay.

It's a story they put in the that is helpful, though. The beginnings of free-range chicken right there.
Yeah. Prairie chickens that just roam the world freely.

Yeah, there's a lot of prairie cock in Cumminsville in the beaver district.

I'm looking for prairie cock. Well, boy, you're going to have to go to Cumminsville.

I need me a couple of juicy breasts.

I've got to get a couple of juicy breasts on that cock.

The young folks of clearwater are talking of a dance soon cumminsville youths are anxious to assist let us know the date

i mean

what's the so it's like the commons boys had to invite themselves to the dance like hey we'll put decorations if we can go

They were so,

I mean, imagine a dance

like back then when all you, you just like fucking was just so far far off the radar when you were like, Maybe I could fuck tonight. Like there must have been a lot of dance content.

I don't think any of them were worried about sex. I think they were like

just just

they were those were the boys that were like to just touch the tip. Those were the boys.
Yeah. I think they were.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The soakers of the world. Shout out soakers.

There's probably a high Mormon population there in the Cummins.

Boy, can you imagine trying to pull off a soap? What a nice. I didn't even know what that was until I became friends with a Mormon girl from Utah who had militants and laughed my ass off.

Well, I think you should explain it to people. So, apparently, what it is is because Mormon,

unmarried Mormon folks, you're not supposed to have sex.

So, what they do is they insert the penis into the vagina and let it it soak

in the juices. There could be no movement.
Like Mary do is they some he puts it in and then they have somebody else jump on the bed to make the mulch and that's called the ocean. The ocean.

That's the ocean.

So so you've got soaking, which is just putting it in, and the theory is just let it sit there. And God's like, I don't hate it.

And then you've got your friend jumping on the bed, and that's apparently okay too. So you're just like, jump closer to my balls.
Jesus Christ, jump near my balls.

And then, so I okay, so then I heard about bagpiping, which blew my mind. Any clue on what bagpipes are?

I mean, I know how a bagpipe is played, and I'm getting a very specific mental picture in my head.

Well, to secure the bagpipes, one puts a strap over their shoulder, and one could argue that the bagpipe looks a little like a ball bag. So, bagpiping is armpit fucking.
Oh, wow.

Have a good show, guys. I'm out of here.

Wow.

Yeah.

So, guys, so Mormons invented the worst three-way of all time.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think you need another person there to bagpipe. No, I think it's just

when you come, you don't hear it for like 10 minutes. I believe that's

Pepper, just for the record, just to bring them back up.

See, now that's good.

Soaking kill and Dr. Peter.

So thank you.

What a mixed bag. I don't know how to feel.
Yeah.

What's wrong with you? And this is. Don't let a mixed bag pike.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
Yeah.

When I was in New York studying acting, there was a young Mormon,

young, she's 25 or whatever. Sure.
And

after a while, everyone was like, oh, if you get her as a scene partner, she'll let you make out.

You would go into her. She'd be like, yeah, come over to my house and we'll do the scene.
And then you'd walk in and she'd go, okay, Okay, just nothing from uh the waist down.

And you could just make out and feel her boobs. That was what

I never meet a Mormon. Yeah, come on.

Mormon. I want Mormon boobs.
That would have been a hell of a taste. Well, yeah.
It is nice, isn't it? Yeah, it's nice.

It's harder for you, though, Jen, because they, they're, they have to be two steps removed from their process in order to be like, like,

letting, letting an acting scene, a straight acting scene partner come over and kiss them and feel their boobs is like, that's the pathway to being open to everything.

Wanted 500 bushels of corn and the same of oats delivered in Cummingsville. Jesus Christ.
Jen called it. This is the most farm.

Yeah, this is just, it's like a farm list.

It's also like a wish list like, hey, if you're having a dance, we'll come help. Hey, if you got any food, well, thank you.
Like, what?

Who's got oats? Tasty chickens. No, it's just one.
It's just one creep with a paper, and everyone's like, don't go there. That guy's freaking.

Charlie Staple has our thanks for two luscious watermelons, the first we have seen this season. They were so large, Charlie, that we invited our friends to partake with us.

You should have brought them to the dance.

You should offer a dance with two watermelons. The ladies are going to be like, fuck yeah, let's dance.
I mean, make them earn the watermelon. You like juicy thing with seeds in them?

Right this way, ladies.

Yeah, well, how great it must have been to like get a watermelon.

Like for them to be that sought-off, like after, and then you actually get one to be like, oh my god.

I mean,

that's a big win, a watermelon in Cumminsball. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Len Robinson comes to the front with two large radishes, one measuring 28 inches in diameter in circumference, and the other 22.

Stop it. These are the production of the sandhills.
This is a radish you carve with a knife. What?

This is a Thanksgiving radish. It's 20.
It's a pumpkin carving radish. Yeah, this is a 28-inch radish.
This is glorious. You feel yourself.
I think the Gimme Jack-o-radish. Yeah.
Yes.

Yeah.

Len Robinson comes to the front with two large radishes.

He comes to the front with two large radishes. I mean, everything in this paper is insinuative.
Well, this is what I, are they having some sort of like,

in Cumminsville, you would think, I mean, it's no surprise that they're comparing size of things. But the fact that what they've chosen is garden vegetables is what's making me laugh.

Hey, hey, look, I got these two big O, big ass radishes. Man, the circumference on these bad boys is off the charts.
And then

when it's coming forward, and then Charlie's like, hey, but I got, they didn't compare to my watermelons. It's not like they were watermelon radishes.

Can you imagine showing up to a watermelon event with radishes? It's like, these are delicious.

Anyone want

a bitter ground pepper? You're like, get the, those are disgusting.

Dave likes radishes. He's already

lost radish.

It's like, that's like some serial killer shit. That really is.

A 28-inch radish. Just leave me alone for a week.

Nobody will want to be around you. Don't worry about it.
Put me in the room with the radish.

You what? And they make the little radish look like a rose.

Yeah. That's because it's mainly garnish.
It's mainly, nobody is supposed to sit there and eat it like a fucking apple. It's psychotic.

Why don't the last time you talked about this and I was pro-radish? You did not go read the Patreon comments that were largely pro-radish. You are lone.
You're getting the psychos out.

That's just psychos are trying to find a home, and they're like, finally, a radish leader. Us regular people aren't chiming in because we're like, enjoy all that.
Sorry, I have a palate.

However, watermelon radishes are delicious and are a thing. Interesting.

Peace is possible. Thank you, John.
Interesting. Thank you.

We can both be happy. I still am mad at Dave.

Thank you, Dan.

The

Schuler Herald. A serious accident occurred in a grove east of town on Sunday last.

A young gentleman and lady named respectively, what is J-O-S-Dot? What's that short? What's that abbreviation? Jocelyn? Joss? Jocelyn, maybe? Jocelyn Severin and Francis Cironi,

maybe Joseph? Sure. It's a dude.
We're walking together when Severin pulled a pistol from his pocket. Okay, well.
Escalating.

So

a guy's walking with a lady, a couple of

young couple, and then he just whips out a pistol. Mm-hmm.
Yep. They call that toxic masculinity now, but it used a simpler time.

You can just take a pistol out when you were having a walk with a woman and nobody freaked out. What happened? What he said is that a gun in your pocket are you just happy to see me?

And he was like, no, no. Yeah.
That's a gun. I can't get get hard.

He pulled it for the purpose of shooting at a bird. This is such a dude thing.
Just walk with the lady. Just enjoy the lady.

Nobody's impressed with that. And he kills the bird, and then he just sticks it back in his pocket, and she's supposed to swim.
That's exactly what it is.

Anyway, what were you saying? You like to shop? It reminds me of...

I knew a comedian and she was in New York and she went to a movie on a date, the first date with this guy. And he came out and you know the cardboard cutouts they have

with some actor. He just, after the movie, they're walking out, and he just runs up and rips the head off and like looks at her like she'll be excited.
And she's just like,

I don't know what to see you anymore.

This is our last date.

It's such a dude thing where you're saying because you rip a head off, other dudes are like, hell yeah. He still has Tom Cruise's head in his closet.

He's like, don't worry, I started fucking this instead of her.

Yeah, that is such a guy thing. I dunked.
Did you see how I dunked that trash? Like, cool. You're

okay.

As and as he was swinging the gun around to the proper point, it accidentally discharged

the ball lodging in the young lady's shoulder.

Okay, so I'm not buying the story, but okay. He just shot her, you think? He shot her.
Yeah, he did. He shot her.

That's more relatable.

That was a bird on your shoulder five seconds ago.

I swear swear to God.

Bird.

That's way more relatable. It's way more relatable to be like, I shot this woman in the arm than to be like, I was trying to get a bird and then I swung it too much.

You can see the signs. It's poo.
Look, look.

They said, I thought it was a prairie chicken.

I got too excited. Oh, my God.

Dr. Woods was called, and he extracted the ball.
The wound is not dangerous, and the patient is doing well. The wound is not dangerous.
I mean,

every wound is dangerous in 1883, number one.

You only have to shoot her once. She's going to learn that once.
Yeah. And now she knows.

It's very true. It's you shoot a woman once and she understands how to treat you for a lifetime.
Right.

Now she laughs at all my jokes. Yeah.
By the way, that was quite an investment I made.

I too have to see some watermelons in the front.

Now I just have to take the gun out. She agrees with what I'm saying.

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North Bend Flail.

That's a weird name for a paper. The flail, F-L.
So what are these are just sort of pinched articles from other periodical articles? They're pinching articles.

And really, so far, not super interesting. So, okay.
Well, I don't know. The young lady getting shot in the eye.
I enjoyed that one. That one was enjoyable.

Yesterday, while the young son of C.P. Dickerson was herding about three miles west of town, he discovered the remains of a human body.

Well, that's fun.

Stand by me, Cumminsville, honestly.

I just,

it's so fucking hilarious to just be like walking and be like, that is a skeleton.

Man, unattended die.

This isn't the same.

Yeah. Don't don't.
Come, come.

Word was sent to town, and this morning a company went out to investigate. They found the bones of a full-grown woman of probable maturity.
So it was a bird.

Yeah. Well, she had a bad one.
So probable maturity.

So they were like, probably an adult woman. It's like, do we need a new coroner? I think it was a grown.
Yeah, no shit, dude. Those are like fully formed bones.
It was a big. This was a big.

And I think a woman, because look at all the holes in the pelvis.

Oh, guys have that too? I don't know. I'm lost.
I don't know what it would be.

The skull showed marks of intelligence. So we're thinking now a man.
The more that we are examining, we're starting to think it might be a man. This had a brain horizon.

Marks of intelligence.

They brought a corner.

They brought a guy out and he's like, so you're the expert, right, Jimmy? Yeah,

she's a big and full woman, wow,

smart, smart, big rack, everything you'd want.

A real winner.

Dr. Woods was, oh no, that was the last one.
A cotton flannel skirt and a calico waist was all the clothes with it.

Well, that's

that they found a lesbian.

Flannel skirt. Come on, man.

She had to be,

we have to wear flannel somewhere, and she's on the prairie, but she had to find a flannel skirt.

Yep.

I believe it was a lesbian. He likes to eat dirt.

It shows signs of manliness and intelligence. It must be a lesbian.

She's tracking it. There might be more around here if we're not careful.
Stay low.

Guard your water gels. Guard your water gels.

Guard your water guns. There's a whole herd of lesbians coming through.
Run, lesbians.

We call that a lesba gaggle.

When you run into a whole group of them at once.

The bones were brought to town and are in charge of Dr. Lynn.
They're in charge of him? So the skeleton's your boss?

Okay.

There you go. Take orders from that.
There you are.

It was pretty smart. It had holes in the head.
Anyway, take care.

Next story.

Miss Hattie West of Ponca.

Ponka is a terrible name for a town. I don't agree.
Ponca City of Oklahoma is one of the worst places I've ever been in my life. See?

Jen's going everywhere.

She's literally been everywhere. Ponca.

Hey, Ponka, how's it going? It's great to be here. Imagine saying that with a straight face.
Ponka, are you guys enjoying Pride Week?

What's Ponka's Pride situation?

You seen two players behind a bomb one time?

It's like a statue the time we saw girls hold hands.

Miss Hattie West of Ponka had an experience the other day.

I bet she did.

In the like of which, not many girls would have come out with equal credit.

What the fuck does that mean? What happened to?

Fucking, it's big. Does that mean she came out the same way she went in, or does that mean? No, she handled it better than most women.
Yeah. Okay.

I think.

She was driving alone from Ponca to Sioux City. Well, now it's like Jen.
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
She was at the Walmart Center.

And when on a lonely part of the road, a drunken Indian stepped into the road. Jesus Christ.

Well,

I mean, you got to, you know, use the terms of the time as horrible as they are. Sure, yeah.
Yeah.

Drunken Indian, come on.

Yeah, it's not great. It's not great.
I am ready to be canceled today.

Yeah, you're really itching for it. I mean, if you're going to write about something fascinating, how about a sober Indian? Jen Coburn no longer appearing at the Walton Center.

Somehow, Sean Campbell before podcast airs. It's very weird to grow up in California where we basically killed all the Native Americans.

And then going to like the Midwest or places like this, Nebraska, Iowa, and experiencing the racism against Native Americans. And you're like, wait, what? What's happening? Yeah.

How dare you take this place before us?

It's just insane. Disgusting.

So a drunken Indian stepped into the road and caught her horse by the bits.

Now, I would think that would be testicles, but it's not. Oh, I would think it's nuts.
It's what the horse bites into. Like, you know, the thing.

I definitely thought it was like Austin Powers style.

I've grabbed its bits, baby. Yeah.
And at the same time, telling her to get out of the buggy. Fortunately, she had a shotgun with her.
That's the great equalizer.

Well, she was getting, like, wagon jacked by.

Yeah, she was, by the way. I mean, I've been wagon jacked before, and it is, it's a challenge.

I got wagon jacked behind Circus Liquors in

the valley. I love a wagon jacking.

So, but if you're, it's, if it's 1883, you're traveling between two towns in Nebraska, you have a fucking shotgun if you're a lady. Like, you're not cruising that route without

in case anybody grabs the bits of your horse. Yeah, she's a bird.

Uh, she picked up the shotgun and drawing a bead on Mr. Indian.
I mean, Jesus Christ, I love that they're trying to be respectful.

And what is your name, sir? Will Mr. Indian do?

She told them to let go of the horse. A glance at her face seemed to convince the Winnebago.
Okay,

so

I didn't know this. I didn't either.

But yeah, Winnebago is apparently named after a tribe. It's not cool how we do that.
It's fucking ridiculous how.

God damn colonizers.

White people, such stuff. We are the tie.
It's me. I.
I'm the problem. It's me.

I just,

we get shit sometimes for shitting all over white people, but how can you not? Like, it's, it's just endless. Yeah.
It's just like a tribe of Indians. And we're like, we will honor your tribe.

This vehicle that takes trashy tourists from state park to state park and the tube in the back where they empty the feces they've produced on the road from their Cheetos. We call it the Winnebago.

You're welcome. No, no, don't touch it.
Don't even look at it. Don't touch it.
Thanks. It's not for you.

Honestly, we just wanted our land.

We will be driving into your land and ruining it by putting our grills and our used oil and trash all over that is not recyclable. We will put potholes all over this desert.

We will ruin it and in a vehicle named after you, the Winnebagos. You're very welcome.

Okay.

There you are. Yeah, cool, man.

Yeah, it is. I guess we'll.

Are you drunk? Aren't you all drunk? My friend James said you got. Oh, sorry.
I don't. No, I'm in a fucking accountant.
I'm going to work. Language.
Don't love it.

Have some respect, buddy.

She seemed to convince the Winnebago that she meant business, and so he sullenly retired and let her proceed on the way.

The Indian followed her half, nearly half a mile, but but a wholesome fear of the

must-be-gun kept him at a safe distance. Now, imagine if the

lead male in this story was white. Do you think it would make any paper anywhere in the 1800s? No, because he would have shot a bird.
I seen a prayer and kick it. Leave it alone.
Yeah.

I'm looking to get wagon jacked. Also,

that story is very young white lady made of a story feel to it. Yeah, that way when she shows up with the Indian baby, she has something to say.

That's totally what he wants.

Oh,

that makes sense.

That tries.

Look, some Native American dude in the middle of nowhere just doesn't suddenly grab your horse. Like, it's just.
Oh, it's happened to me a bunch. That's happened to my Honda a ton of times.

It reminds me of that scene in Blazing Saddles when they're trying to cross the

West and they just put up a toll booth and he says, Somebody's going to have to go back for a shit ton of die.

Just one Indian out there just waiting for a white lady to

wow boom by. Yeah, yeah.

Finally.

Killed in an elevator. What? Oh, like a grain elevator.
It has to be like a grain elevator or something, right? Nope.

The boy in charge of the passenger elevator at the Grand Pacific in Chicago lost control of it Tuesday. I have no contention of when anything was invented.

The elevator feels so future.

Yeah, but I think,

you know how in old movies like that, the guy has the up and down thing there. The crazy boy.
That must must have controlled.

He was like pulling the elevator out. Yeah.

It might be like the Flintstones, where there were like 30 chimps in the shaft, too, just yanking on the rope or something. I'm pretty sure that's what it was.
Is that accurate, Dave? Yeah.

He had a history guy.

He advised two persons in the elevator to jump out at the next landing. Is it bad when the guy in charge of the elevator suggests you jump out as soon as possible?

someone who's never experienced that. I'm just curious if that's bad.

It speeds down. I mean, I'm also wondering what kind of a door is on the elevator.
Honestly, no door? I don't, I mean, maybe not. It's just a little bed sheet that they made a curtain out of.

Yeah, yeah, just beads. I bet it's just that when they had the little like cage thing that they

opened up. And even then, like,

you might want to jump out on the next floor, mister. Oh, Christ.
All right. Go!

Hurry!

So, in doing so, one of them, a painter named Christian Jacobson, employed about the hotel, was killed. Oh, fuck.
So, he tried to jump out. So, he must have been like cut in half or something.

Not now.

You know, time it better.

You don't jump out of a movie elevator. It's funny that he was a painter and now his blood's all over us on the walls.

His last piece.

Oh, Jacob. And then the coroner shows up and goes, I think this was a tiny little girl.

No!

Oh, no. I don't know.
What do I know? I think.

Killed by a constable.

This again.

Some things never change.

They call me ICE.

Martin Caller, 31 years old, was shot and killed by Constable Johnson at the suburb of Highland Park, Chicago Wednesday night. Wow.
The constable fled after the shooting.

Is that a good sign when the law enforcement also takes off?

Shit, cops, run. You are cops.

Shit. 5-0, get out of here.
What? What?

An attempt was made by friends of the dead man to burn Johnson's house. There you go.
By the way,

I like it. I like the idea that if you can't find them, you just burn their home.
Like, all right, let's just burn their house down.

that'll teach them. Let's get rid of all their stuff.

They're claiming that the killing was unprovoked. Well, yeah, he ran away.
It was absolutely unprovoked. He didn't play it well.
The cop didn't play it well.

The constable did not handle that well by Floyd. No, you got to go like, there is a prairie bird on his shoulder.
Yeah, you plant the prairie bird. That's what I like about today's policing.

Yeah, they got good lives. Yeah.
Yeah, you don't run. You just go like, he said he's going to shoot me.

Okay, then.

All right, I'm going to go home.

I'm tired. That murder got me all tuckered out.

So tired from that murder.

Johnson put in an appearance the next morning, suffering from knife wounds claimed to have been received by him in attempting to arrest Kayler and some boy companions.

Nope, he made those that morning. He goes home and just stabs himself.
Yeah. What are you doing, honey? Ah, corroborate.
I'll see you in a bit.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, your job is weird. Yeah, it's strange.

Oakland. A daring robbery.

That's it, okay. That's it.
That's the story. Conclusions are not in this paper, but Oakland.
No, they're like, you know, figure it out yourself. I gave you all the...
Yeah. Yeah.
It's bullet block.

A daring.

A daring robbery was committed yesterday afternoon on the road about one and a half miles north of this village.

Scary. Sure.

Charles Oakson and son had just arrived from Illinois to take possession of his farm, which he had purchased a month ago.

Okay.

Sure. He bought a farm.
Yep. Mr.
Oakson and boy started up to the farm with a team and a farm wagon and had two or three trunks aboard.

Just before leaving Main Street, a young man

asked for a ride saying he wanted to go up to Lions.

We got to give him a ride because

small town. Sure.
You got to give him a ride. Okay.

It's just neighbor. It's neighborly.
Sure.

You remember hitchhiking? Did you hitchhike when you were younger? No. What the fuck? What do I look like? 60? Did you hitchhike? Oh, yeah.
We hitchhiked. We literally hitchhiked everywhere.

Yeah, that's insane to me. Jen, anything?

I tried to hitchhike one time when I was like 15 years old in Los Angeles. We got in a guy's car.
I've never been so scared in my life. And this whole car smelled like pee.

And I was like, we got to get out.

And we did.

You know,

if you girls want to piss, just go ahead. I was.

I mean, just.

Don't worry. You hitchhiked, Dave?

Oh, my God, dude. We hitchhiked.

Yeah, when I was in high school, everybody hitchhiked everywhere.

It wasn't hitchhike. It was pre-Uber.
This is what they called

Uber thug. Yeah.

But look, I got a ride from Father Guido Sarducci. Wow.

Yeah,

he lived near me, apparently. And

I got a ride from a guy with a boner. And that was warm off.

He was in gym shorts. Dragon.

Yeah, we get it. Yeah, you were cute.

And then a guy who showed me his gun. So those are probably the three.

McNan and the boner were different guys?

Yeah.

Might have been the same guy, and your trauma might have separated them.

The gun was the boner guy. I was in.
It's a great title. It was the first year of college, and I was...

So that was kind of a long ride, like maybe 25 minutes, but the gun guy.

The boner sustained the whole ride?

Yeah, he was rubbing it. Oh, okay.
Well, now the plots. So he's doing a bit of wagon jacking.
Yeah, he was wagon jacking. He was hoping I'd join in, but I did not join in.
And if you did, it's okay.

Nobody would think judging. I would judge you.
I know, but I would judge. Jen, stop.
Let's get him up here.

I'd be like, what? I want to go queer you are. What's going on?

At least he could wear that hat family. Wearing a brown.

Dave, I didn't know you were gay. I'm not, but I sucked a guy's dick through his gym shorts when I hitchhiked in high school.

Okay, welcome aboard.

That don't make me gay, Cohen. That don't make me gay.

All right. So, if everyone who sucked the guy's dick through his gym shorts because they were hard and he was giving him a ride is gay, then this old nation's gay.

The guy with the gun was between San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara, so that was a much longer, much more terrifying ride.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, so.

A seat was given to him on one of the trunks behind Mr. Oakson and the boy.
All went well until they reached a secluded spot besides a large cornfield, which is all, that's all of Nebraska. Yeah.

One mile and a half from town when the quote meek young man in the rear opened his grip sack. Uh-oh.
Ah, boy.

Sounds like with the gym shorts. You get a rear grip sack.
That is.

That's hard to handle. I'll tell you.

Look, sometimes you just gotta release the grip sack.

There's only one way to do it.

And he pulled out a revolver and he demanded their money. Or he said, quote, you're dead on the spot.

The old gentleman had just deposited several thousand dollars in the Bank of Oakland and had only about $10.

Okay, so that was good. That was money.
Yeah.

So he took it together with a watch and a chain, also $25 and a watch from the boy.

Constable Wallen, on hearing of the facts, called out several citizens and started in pursuit, but darkness coming on, most of them returned and reported he was not found. Hmm.

They didn't need that last part. Yeah.
Okay. So we're not really getting any closure there, obviously.
Yeah. No.
See what was on Unsolved Mysteries Cumminsville.

That's a great show. It's a great show.
That's going to ruin my life.

Why would I want you to tell me all about a fucking crime only to tell me you don't know who did it? How unsatisfying. What is that?

That's why I didn't hitchhike. I would watch that show, and then it was Robert Stack, like in a graveyard, said

he's still out there looking for boys like you, Gareth. I was like, oh, my God.

So scared. The reenactments.
Can you imagine booking one of those reenactments back in the day? You're like, things are pretty good. I just booked an unsolved mystery.

I'm a wife abuser, but they're saying they want to bring me back for a murder guy.

Look, we hitchhiked because we trusted people. We didn't have this fear of society like you have.
You're talking about a guy with a gun.

He was just showing it off. Yeah, it's weird.
Don't get weird. I didn't get shot

by either guy. I just showed him my grip sack.
That's all.

I just had to ride with my grip sack out the whole time.

Hey, man, it's going to be a long ride. You might want to take your nuts out.

Okay.

Hey, man, your paws are probably going to get pretty sweaty. What do you say we do bags out for this trip?

Okay, so this is an ad, so I got to read it.

Oh, this is Squarespace. Sorry, Jen.
So the product is

Mensmans. M-E-N-S-P-M-E-N-S.
M-A-N-S. Menzmin's.

Pastimes is brought to you by Mensmans. Go ahead, Dave.
Read the copy. Mensmans peptinized beef tonic.
So Dave and I, sorry about that, you have to be here for this, Jen.

So Dave and I, look, we love a tonic. We've been into pork tonics for a while.
But Dave, correct me if I'm wrong, this is the best beef tonic I've had. I mean, we love this beef tonic.

It's such a good beef tonic. Oh, it's just, I mean, who doesn't have a bit of bouillon and think, I wish this was carbonated? And Gareth, this one is peptinized.
I love the peptinized one.

So use promo code code pastimes at checkout when you're getting this new beef tonic. So the pastimes, sorry, you have to be here for this, Jen.
This is just kind of how we make the money.

So this beef tonic is just unbelievable. We love it here at the pastime.
I'm drinking a little bit of it right now. If I seem spicy, that's because.
Now remember, use promo code pastimes at checkout.

Tell them the Dallop sent you. You'll be glad you did it.
You know what happened? He invented this beach tonic. And when everybody saw that it was bubbly, they were like, that's kind of girly.

Why you got this bubbly beach tonic? That's this kind of girly. He was like, no, no, I'm calling it men's men.

It's only for men's.

It's to burn a hole through a lady's throat.

Now have a sip of men's men's. And then they're all like, I don't want to be called not manly.

I'm going to break the girly fizzy beef juice. There you go.
That's beef juice.

I can look it up, but I do believe peptinized is like partially, you put it in a through a process that like partially digests it. What?

Hey, this is Jim. He's gonna drink it, and then we'll take it out of him halfway through.

What are we gonna have him play with? Real mensman is meant to be regurgitated and then drunk by the next guy. That's that's how you know you're a real mensman.

This is the uh mensman is different from all the other brands because it's half taken down already. You're gonna love it.
We treat you like a baby bird. Here you go, mensman.

Sure, this beef tonic. Peptonize refers to the process of artificially pre-digesting food, typically by using enzymes like pepsin or pancreatic extract to aid digestion.
So

they are taking it out. They are taking enzymes out of people and mixing that in? Or there is someone...

No,

they're taking, well, it is a pancreatic extract, or I don't know what pepsin is, but it breaks breaks down the proteins into smaller

peptones, peptides, amino acids. So it's breaking things down.
You have the gift of being able to make things. And what you chose to make was some half-digestive, fizzy beef juice.

I mean, he could have cornered the market on methathy to put his little mind to it.

Does anyone know where I could buy some pancreatic enzymes?

By the way, we laugh, but then the liver king exists. So what do we do?

The only preparation to be of beef containing its entire nutrious properties, it contains blood-making, force-generating,

and life-sustaining properties.

I actually just got a text. Dave Mensman's dropped out.

I guess they didn't like, they didn't care for our grasp on their product. That sucks.

All right. Well, that was a good ad.

Yeah, that's great. I'm definitely thirsty.

A party of Cumminsville gentlemen consisting of A.B. Unungst, G.M.
Hume, and Dick Linderman, F.W. Jesus.
F.W.W.

Daw Dob and Dick. What the fuck? Just...
No, shut up. Shut your goddamn mouth.
Dobbin Dick in Cumminsville? Yeah, Dobbin Dick. Dobbin, Dick.
He was caught by Constable Johnson.

Well, well, well, Dobbin Dick. If I'm not surprised to see you here again,

they thrust themselves on the hospitality of F.R. Big and Old.

Big and old? What the fuck? Shut up. This is not real.

This is not. Are you being serious? This is like a cartoon.
I'm serious. Big and old.

I'm going.

That's my type, by the way. That's my porn search engine.
Big and old.

It could be big and old, but big and old. Seems big.
Big and old.

Fred brought out the watermelon patch and told the boys to go in. Mr.
Bignold had some of the finest melons that ever grew, but they are gone. I'm not, Jen, have at it.
I'm not doing it. This is.

It's so obvious what's

their obsession with watermelons is just repugnant.

Suspicious. It's killing the town.
It is. It is killing the town.
And the Indian population.

Yeah. Yeah.
Absolutely.

A shower of fish is reported to have fallen at Monte Morlos, Mexico.

A shower.

Sounds like something Trump would say.

Is that like in that movie Magnolia when it started raining frogs? The frog rain. Yeah, I guess.

Showering fish.

Raining fish. Yeah.
Sometimes fish just fall from the sky. A lot of times.
Yeah.

Yeah.

That's happening all the time in Tampa. Will the loaves fall as well? Can we get like a whole dinner? Fish and chip.

Please, Lord, how about some tartar sauce, Hale?

Pius Pickering says his crop of frogs this year is not so large as last year's, but he has an immense crop of hay oh cool shit dude what what the fuck are you what a follow-up to be like i don't have any frogs but i have straw cool dude yeah no

hey no

yeah

oh here we go burt unengst brought a mammoth radish to our office last saturday what is with this town that measured 19 and a half inches in circumference comfortable. That's shit.

That ain't 23 inches in length.

That ain't shit. 10 pounds.
That ain't shit.

We had a 28-incher earlier.

Like a baby arm.

But Bert.

Yeah.

It's really upsetting. Just nothing about it.

What a horrible time. And it was like, come on over.
We're having radish for supper.

Cumminsville has a turnip eater who would like an engagement. For further particulars, address address the Gazette.
Turnip eater.

What is the diet? It is horrendous. And by the way, it's still pretty much the menu in Britain right now.

But it's horrendous. It's eaten vegetables there in Nebraska.
It's a lot of root. It's a lot of root ones.

So a turnip eater just contacted the paper. He's like, hey, can you get it out there? I'm looking for a turnip.
Yeah, we need articles.

The way the town was trying to get invited to the dance. It would be great to put turnip eater on Craigslist and just see who hits you up.

Turnip Eater, looking for a connection. Hello, I'm a turnip.

Yeah, just some guys like, hello. Come on over.
We'll build trains. I'm in a turnip costume.

The longest thing, this is just a one-sentence little blurb. The longest thing, your friend's favorite story.

It's about when you hitchhiked.

That's like the milk of the day.

Oh, right. Yeah, that's like your goose and gallant

for Clemensville, Nebraska.

Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Vanderbilt has had an attack of genuine charity.

An attack. The rich don't feel empathy.
They have attacks of generosity. Well, he's there, Bezos.
He's the richest man. Yeah, right.

While in the White Mountains, he learned that 30 of the waiters in the hotel where he stopped were college students earning money during the summer vacation to further their education. Right.

So he's like, look at these young men working.

Students. Wonderful.
Wow.

Mr. Vanderbilt left behind him a check for $3,000 to be divided amongst the students, giving them $100 each.

The act was probably as noble as anything Vanderbilt ever did. So that is about $2,800 in our

his big, exciting, wealthy, philanthropic contribution to our youth was three fucking grand. Like, come on.

Yep.

And the paper's writing about it, like, what a great gesture.

Every time you hear that, you're just like, these people should not exist. The idea that you're just like, wow, what philanthropy from a guy who will never miss it.
Wow. No, he's nothing.

Y'all got $100 and a big radish. There you are, boys.

That's the tip.

All right, last one.

A boy who was tried recently in Kentucky on the charge of carrying a concealed weapon was acquitted on the ground that he was too small to conceal a weapon so large. Thank you.
That's what I'm saying.

Wait, was that going even put it? Step a little closer to the mic, boy. Wait, would I even put it?

Very good point. This boy's too tiny.

It's bigger than I am.

I can't even pick it up.

How do I pick it up?

Oh, you're so cute. This boy didn't commit a murder.
Look at the size of him. Why, he's the size of a matchstick.
I've seen radishes bigger than this boy.

Why, he's only 17 inches in support.

The paper got three radishes last week, bigger than that. Then he pulls out a gun.
You fell right into my trap, Judge. Jesus Christ, little boy.
Oh, God, he's a Native American.

I see a burden on your shoulder.

Now, watch it.

What's with your gym shorts, little man? You know what to do.

Empty the gun. Does anybody want to go to San Luis Abyssmo?

The old-fashioned way?

Oh, Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Well, more normal stuff from American history, Jen. Thank you for joining us.

Happy Pride Month. I'm excited to see Dave in a hat like that.

People can go to jencober.com for all your stand-up dates. Are you going to slow down with the road for a minute, or are you still just out there doing what you're doing? I'm here doing it, man.

I'm safe enough to get to another country.

Oh, good idea.

I don't know why.

Maybe somewhere where there are big radishes and lots of watermelons.

Well, we've got the place for you.

Well, thank you, Jen. Hilarious as always.
Much appreciated. And

happy Pride Month. And again,

it is an offense to us as straight whites. Well, there's only six days left.

There's only six days left. You'll be okay.

Ah, it's hell.

It's big. You don't know.
You don't know what it's like for us. Yeah.

Imagine feeling so marginalized for one month out of the year.

All right. Thank you.
Take it easy.

Thank you.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What could be better than seeing Gareth Reynolds do stand-up? Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information. I will be in Omaha on November 28th and 29th.

I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia on December 2nd, Seattle, Washington, December 3rd, Eugene, Oregon, December 4th. Then I will also be in Kansas City, Missouri, doing a makeup show.

Come on, everybody. Shake off the new year, January 2nd, January 3rd.
And just announced, I will be back in Portland, Oregon at Helium Comedy Club on February 6th and February 7th.

That's going to be a five-show weekend over two nights. So go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.
Join me.

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