130 - The Past Times with Luke Simmons

It is fall 2025.

The Dollop podcast is going on tour in October.

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October 22nd, Lincoln Theater in Columbus, Ohio.

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26th, the Barrymore Theater in Madison.

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Luke Simmons.

Hey, hi, Luke.

Hello.

We're in a van.

We are in the van, some would call it.

We're in a park.

Sort of.

We're at Inspiration Point in San Francisco.

Yeah, right.

So you're pissed?

You pissed about it?

Yeah, don't dox us.

I'm not doxing you.

Now everyone's...

Oh, my God.

Look at all the people.

Oh, God.

Showing up.

Luke,

you've been a train wreck today so far.

You put oats in the toilet and missed it a lot.

You

dropped something out of the van a minute ago and you made a crazy sound.

I just said, no.

Yeah.

Yep.

That'll do.

It was okay, that was just an enameled cup.

What would you say has been your biggest stumble on this tour?

Because there's been a lot,

and then we can give you ours.

That's a great question.

It shouldn't take that pretty smooth sailing, honestly.

Okay,

okay, well, Dave, go ahead.

What was the eggs?

Dave's was the eggs.

What happened?

He came into a hotel room and he had the cart to bring all the bags and stuff out.

And in his other hand, he had stopped by the breakfast bar and gotten a bowl of scrambled eggs.

Huge bowl.

And he went to put it on the table, but he missed the table by like six inches.

And then the eggs, what happened?

On the ground.

My favorite was

when we were having some technical difficulties on stage during a live show at the beginning in

maybe Portland.

It might have been Seattle.

I can't remember.

But either way,

he was there and

he

came on stage and he just swapped out the HDMI three times and nothing was working.

And we were kind of like swapping out the HDMI.

And then someone else completely fixed it.

But while that was all going on, as he was walking off stage, he tripped over the wire connected to the computer and the computer got tugged off of the table.

Not off.

Yes, off.

To the edge.

No, off.

I caught it.

Yeah, we caught it.

So it stayed on because you grabbed it.

It was off the table.

It was off the table.

Teamwork making the dream.

Off the table.

And then he came out and did champion hands like he had done something.

I did.

I kept people thinking that work was getting done on the wire situation with my busyness.

They like to feel like, people like to feel like there's action being taken, even if...

I don't think you know what people feel.

That's why you have cones out on the roads that are never getting fixed.

Because it feels like something.

He's doing the thing again.

He's just filling the world with words that are just

empty to just take up time so you're tired.

You can't make an omelette without spilling a few eggs.

Luke is the human equivalent.

It's the manifestation of the Ropodope.

He's just going to make you feel tired and want to stop.

This week's paper is the Alden Eagle from Alden in Minnesota.

Now you guys are going to guess the year.

Whoa, look at you taking the reins.

Luke, go ahead.

No, I don't know who you're going to.

I don't know who you

would you rather get this right or wrong Luke or I?

I can't tell.

That's tough.

Yeah.

1919.

He's wrong.

1902.

It's

1880.

Gareth, you won.

I can't.

What just got said?

Oh, look at you.

Hey, I'm so proud of you.

What?

Big day.

He hates you.

January 23rd, 1880.

All right.

Now, Luke, you realize the guest on this show doesn't say anything.

I don't know where Alvin.

Okay.

Just listen to you guys.

You listen to me.

You can compliment me.

It's like being at a live podcast.

Right.

Not at all.

It's just like a two one-man podcast, like a private screening.

Right.

All right, Dave.

All right.

So this is reprinted from the Hastings Gazette.

I had a feeling.

When a newspaper man hears the remark that his paper doesn't amount to much after he has worked nine days in the week and racked his imagination all to slivers to produce a good paper he feels like turning the business over to his mother-in-law and after due meditation resolves to drown himself in a cup of benzene oh my god what is this is the first article yes it's curious i like that before they had facebook people had to angrily post in the newspaper they ran nobody appreciates the newspaper guy so i guess he'll just kill himself and give his mother-in-law the targeted to the mother-in-law is great.

She probably read that paper.

I was like, Frank is gone.

He's absolutely nuts.

Deb, you have to leave him.

And by the by.

So, okay.

Seems aggressive.

Yeah, it's very aggressive.

Yeah.

Next, next article.

There's no follow-up?

No, there's

what would the follow-up be?

Yeah, he just, he just mad.

Yeah.

But, like, did they not respond to a particular article?

Who?

The readership.

No, he heard someone.

Oh, no, the readership.

The guy, the newspaper man overheard someone talking.

So I want to hear a little bit more about that.

The who, what, when, where.

We've got the what.

It is a great recording.

Made.

Also, like, there's a lot of details.

Can I point out that Luke doesn't know how newspapers work?

You don't get to then request the follow-up.

It's in print.

It's already happened.

I know, but I'm saying.

You want a documentary.

I see why this newspaper is not doing well.

How do we know it's not doing well?

Because the guy's losing his mind because people don't like it.

But he's talking about the Hasting Gazette.

The Alden

Eagle did not make this comment.

He reprinted it from the Hastings.

Now he agrees with it.

Yeah.

And he thinks that you should.

I agree with it.

Yeah, shut the fuck up.

Enough.

Yeah.

Leave me alone.

Let me do my shit.

Yeah, I don't need your replies.

Look, I'm partying.

Let me cook.

A carriage containing Mary Anderson was run away at Wheeling, Virginia.

The choice girl.

Wheeling?

A carriage ran away at Wheeling?

Wheeling, Virginia.

Don't enter Wheeling if you don't want the.

If you want control of your wheels, get out of wheeling.

I like how you're stuck on Wheeling and the choice girl, you just...

Should you be calling girls choice?

Yeah.

Yes.

So

the one advantage to that time was that you can be like, she's choice.

She's really choice.

She's choice.

I'd like to hit her with my carriage, if you know what I mean.

Wait, what, sir?

What do you, sir?

Two men are having a conversation.

What are you doing?

What does that mean, sir?

Have you seen the film Death Proof?

What?

He did a Death Proof joke yesterday, though.

I watched Death Proof recently.

He's trying to work these death proof jokes in.

And it's not going to hit.

What are you going for?

I totally forgot about Death Proof.

Have you seen it?

Well, that's Luke's angle.

Have you seen it in the last week?

Because Luke watched Death Proof.

Luke watched Death Proof, and now he's like, I got more jokes about Death Roof.

You mean that movie that bombed that nobody really saw?

That's the one.

I'm doing death.

If you did see it, these jokes would slap.

Like a lady under a carriage, if you know what I'm saying.

I don't.

That's the guy.

Why does he keep coming over?

The choice girl was thrown out.

And only.

When the guy sees that, he's like, choice again.

She look how choice she is on the ground.

Nice.

Oh, boy.

The paper went down.

We lost the paper.

What?

Well, it turns out we need a good interaction actually here.

It's a good thing we came to this high altitude where there isn't one.

Should we move it?

Yeah,

go down.

Lower altitude?

I think we want to go that way.

Alright.

Now it's coming back.

Yeah,

but we can just do it over.

We can actually do it right now if we want.

Why don't we drive to better Wi-Fi?

Yeah.

The choice girl was through.

Now we're driving.

This is the first time we've done this show driving.

Yeah.

Go left?

Uh, yeah.

I can't.

You could say we're the wheeling podcast.

Whoa.

Why would we say that?

Choice.

Because we're wheeling around.

I wouldn't call that jogging.

For wheel.

The choice girl was thrown out and only...

But you see, Felton.

Fucking fuck.

This is crazy.

This is not okay.

And the choice girl was thrown out and only for the fact that the driver caught her in his arms, she would have been thrown down a precipice and smashed as flat as a piece of blotting paper.

There's a lot going on.

I never realized precipice was like,

what, an edge?

It's just like a

precipice is something you get like a cliff, like a type of.

I've never heard of it like that.

I've always heard of a precipice.

I mean, it makes sense.

Okay, and if

she fall down like the internet's better here.

It's just parking here, maybe.

What did she fall down like?

A piece of blotting paper?

Well, no, she would have.

Oh, but he carried her.

Driver caught her in his arms.

I feel like it was set up.

I feel like this guy set it up so that he could seem like a hero.

Sounds sort of romantic.

It's like a street cute in rom-com terms.

So here's what just happened, and I'm going to tell you why it happened.

I'm going to tell you why I'm okay with it.

It's a good pun.

And he just took time to let it kind of cook.

And I liked it.

Dave, thoughts on the street cute

um i yeah i'm fine with saying because he later that night it was probably a skeet cute he used some he used some fun language hey maybe i'd like to throw myself down your precipice okay push that i mean that's a choice you're gonna have to edit that out yeah um most of this will be edited out we had we rather we had rather drive team at wheeling virginia who's talking had rather drive team at so that doesn't make sense we had rather drive team at wheeling virginia than to dwell in the tent of the wicked okay this is the same what's happening this is the same article this is the we just left the part where he says the girl was saved and then he went tent of the wicked opened for lamb of god when i saw him they're great

um great goodness why does all this fool luck happen to who's this guy a prospector just took over the paper what's going on oh boy it feels like the this is now a quote from the lady who hit her head a bit before she got pulled back she didn't hit her head Well, they said he grabbed her, but they didn't say whether or not she was buffeted about the wheel.

I think she hit her head after he caught her.

I think that would come up.

Can we just say now we're looking at a golf course?

Beautiful.

There's a guy in the Scottish Highlands over here.

It's beautiful.

What's happened here?

This has worked out great.

Here, we can do this.

Look at this.

The world's most interactive podcast.

What has happened?

What are you doing?

Luke, audio is pretty important.

She's go away.

That didn't work.

Luke, go.

Why would you think that it would work?

Oh, Oh, my God.

I encourage everyone to go to Patreon for the Nightmare.

Have you ever met you?

Luke, go back to the back, boy.

Have you ever met you when you tried to do something midstream that works?

I've tried it in the past, and it's happened.

Without tape, Luke would be lost.

The amount of tape he uses in his.

I'm doing a video now on my angle.

So they can see the golf course.

Let's record the podcast,

Luke.

Let's record the podcast part.

They're getting a big treat.

They get to see how the sausage is made.

The sausage boys.

I'm not sure this was a good idea.

No, it wasn't.

Great goodness, why does all this fool luck happen to obscure individuals who probably don't know enough to enjoy it?

So they're saying that what happened to this young lady was enjoyable because she got caught.

Right.

But it doesn't, it seemed like it would still be bad.

Well, she's complaining when she should just be happy that a handsome man.

She's not even safe.

But the the carriage ran away and then it crashed and she got saved.

Yeah.

It's not a good experience.

It's not a good experience, but it's better than her crashing.

But the men don't see it like that.

You sound like the kind of individuals who don't appreciate this great good luck.

That's fair.

Applicable to any community.

The following communication addressed to the editors of the Hoka Herald is not signed by the.

This paper's insane.

It's insane.

I don't really understand most of it so far.

Is not signed by our old friend Nemo.

What's going on?

So, is this just like a bulletin board in a cafe, in like a cafe where people are just talking shit?

I don't Nemo.

Fuck you, Nemo.

My mother-in-law's a real.

See you next Thursday.

I saw a carriage crash, but the lady got caught.

Go back.

I'm fixing it.

What are you doing now?

Just tilting it down a little so we can get a little more to the body adioties

for the fans.

Well, it is good enough to be read here and everywhere.

Quote, there are three or four things, says the correspondent, which to a stranger are special indications of intelligence and culture in the citizens of any village:

good fences and attractive front yards.

So, if you see good fences and attractive

front yards, you know that front yard is choice, it's a smart cultured community.

Excuse me, sir.

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm salt burning.

Oh, yeah.

Sir.

And that, ironically, for where we are, is how golf started.

Yeah.

So the Good Fence's attractive front yard show culture and home comforts within.

Good sidewalks, good school buildings, good hotel accommodations, comfortable, cozy churches, and a well-cared-for cemetery indicate general public intelligence and refined tastes.

Well, don't go around the America of today.

You will not be happy that every 76 has an Arby's now.

Well, it's such a simple time to be like,

that's what matters.

A nice yard, good streets, good school.

It's like, yeah, no shit.

They're saying you take care of your community, okay?

Like, you plan well.

Which you should.

But America, like, when was the last time anyone was like,

I mean, that just is so far from, as we drive through America quite often,

it's not in a good spot.

If that's your metric.

I am glad you are disposed to agitate the subject of better church accommodations in our thriving little city.

A fenseless, dilapidated church, weather-beaten and black.

Weather, not if, but

the weather has done its joke.

What would you say is the point of this paper so far?

We're getting to it.

Weather beaten and black with the windows out and the cold in, carpeted only with a nut brown three-ply carpet of tobacco juice.

Well, you promised me some clarity soon.

And then, what are you doing?

Well, we're chitting on the church right now.

Okay.

Indicate a state of barbarism in the.

I mean, you shouldn't have tobacco juice all over your church.

I completely disagree.

One of the best parts about going to church is how you can just do, you can just

spit.

Yeah, shit.

Spit, shit, punch,

whack.

You think of a bar.

Barf.

You think of a bar.

Crap.

You think of a bar.

Hit.

It's not a bar.

Drink.

You're thinking of

do bumps.

Sometimes for communion, you go up and the priest will just put a little dip under your tongue.

Yeah, so you guys aren't thinking of.

You know, one time the priest tried to put the wafer in my mouth, and I just started sucking his fingers.

That's how he became a little bit more.

And then

I looked into his eyes and I said, oh, sorry.

I guess I misunderstood.

And I waked and I saget away.

And then I went into the confessional room, but I did the sort of the like beckon finger.

Come hither.

I went, come hither.

You guys are thinking of a church.

No, you're thinking of a biker clubhouse.

Nah, it's church.

Okay.

Where a guy named Scar runs the place?

Yeah, that's a park.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

It's Father Scar.

Indicate a state of barbarism in the community far worse than that found in the once cannibal islands.

The custom of bringing dogs to church, which have no souls to save, to the non-speak.

I think you should be able to dogs to church.

100%.

You should absolutely bring it it over.

Who's that?

And by the way, have you ever met a sinner dog?

Some of those dogs sinned.

Some dogs are really bad, boys.

It feels like a chicken and the egg, where if you're not bringing the dogs to church, how are they supposed to be saved?

You know, he's saying dogs can't be saved.

They have no soul.

I got a pitch.

I disagree that.

Dog church.

Yeah.

We should come up with dog church.

People would flock to dog church.

If there was a church you could bring your dog to.

Yeah, where you're just like, yeah, we're going to absolve your dogs of sin.

Yeah.

Could be.

I really think there are parts of California where that would work.

Hamster Church.

Well, I don't, let's sidebar, because Dog Church feels like it has reached and then what you're doing

in success, maybe.

Skunk Church.

They're going to get real upset when they find out who the priest is molesting a dog church.

Diddling.

Doodles?

We were talking about that earlier, right, Dave?

I don't know if we were.

So Luke.

This show shouldn't just be callbacks of times

off the pod.

Let's try to make it self-contained.

Sorry.

Yeah, it shouldn't be stuff that Luke was just saying in the back of the bed.

Luke's doing callbacks to stuff that bombed him on his own.

He's like, remember that?

Nobody can guess what I meant when I said Dave Diddles doodles.

Which have no souls to save to the annoyance of good people who have souls might possibly be tolerated among heathen during their civilizing process, but no longer.

Popping paper balls,

silly giggling, and pop and J behavior in God's house.

Pop and J?

In God's house.

Isn't that a break dancer?

Bespeaks a want of civilization which Christian heathen would never be guilty of.

I really

the point of that is make church nice.

I think, yeah, like, let's not clean it up.

Let's not have a shitty church, I think, is what he's saying.

Yeah, because it's dirty and it doesn't have a fence.

But the dogs think about it.

Dog church is huge.

Dog church is huge.

Dog church could be really big for this show.

Because sometimes they do outside churches, but inside church with dogs.

Yeah, a dog church.

Yeah.

It'd be fucking.

I would go go to dog church.

I would go to dog church, too.

The entire choir is just dogs howling along to the organ.

Well, now that's maybe.

I guess.

That seems a little annoying.

It's going to be.

That does take it in a new direction.

I was thinking it would be like a regular

church.

And there's just a church.

And like a preacher.

And there's dogs just singing.

And

the preacher.

Yeah.

Right.

You're going to start like an ecclesiastical war calling one church regular.

I think there's a lot of singing churches who people think are just regular.

Like, oh, I feel like you're trying to walk away from your dogs are in the choir.

I love dogs in the choir.

No, I remember you said it.

All dogs singing choir.

I think he's trying to back it, but using a crazy justification.

That's probably a Luke angle.

You're going to start the dog troubles throwing trash accusations that singing dog churches are not regular.

That guy shanked that so fucking bad.

I didn't think you'd be able to give, I didn't think you'd be able to give the listeners the true Luke experience.

Well, I'm confused and tired.

But you're still going.

But I think you've done a pretty good job so far.

Where I'm like a little lost.

I don't know what to do.

But you still seem more confident than ever in everything.

If people don't understand, this is what it's like driving in the van with Luke.

He just goes on tangents and you're like, oh, yeah.

I'm not going to respond.

And not responding to him is like, they want me to go further with my song.

The green light.

Yeah.

A Michigan man has actually invented a flying machine.

Now we're fucking talking.

We're back.

Holy shit.

That was close.

This episode, I was checking the ratings.

It were bad, but now we're back.

Are we?

Yeah, flying machine.

And the only defect that can be discovered

is that a person cannot fly with it.

Well, that's a bummer.

So you made a bird?

I made a paper airplane.

You made a bird that...

Okay.

It's a drone.

Yeah, he made a drone.

The defect, it is believed, can be remedied.

Well, smaller people.

I'm recreating a gun to shrink the passengers.

We think once we find a baby willing to serve as pilot, we should be.

I've made a flying machine for squirrels.

It'll be perfect.

Unfortunately, local mothers refuse to aid the course of science.

Yeah, we were watching a guy look for

baseball.

It's way over that way.

Oh, he's just gonna.

He's gonna cheat, right?

He's about to drop one out of his pocket, the son of a bitch.

You'll watch this guy cheat.

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Good goodness.

That was dense fog yesterday morning.

You couldn't recognize a person six feet off.

A man might be walking along the street and come right up face to face with a man he owes.

We prefer any kind of weather to fog.

What is this in reference to?

The flying machine?

The guy almost hit the van.

Is the flying machine still?

This is the next story.

Oh, okay.

The next story after the flying machine is started.

Oh, okay.

To be continued, I believe it's called.

Or no.

Well, Luke would like to know everything about where this story goes, please.

Oh, so he just took it out of the rough.

He didn't cheat or he did.

Oh, he just put it.

But that guy's really bad at golf.

I mean, I should remind you guys that we are doing a podcast.

As far as what people's expectations are of the show, it's probably to do the thing.

So, he's gonna try and hit it out of the sand.

Yeah, but they can't see him, but nobody can see him or him.

They're both in sand.

I mean, I'm looking at him, and I don't give a shit.

Now, this guy's come over the van because he almost hit the van with his belt.

I again couldn't care less.

A man who had $65 stolen from him received a note with $25 saying, I stole your money.

I like that.

Yeah.

So, so they just gave him $40 less.

Well, remorse gnaws at my cautions.

I feel bad, so I'll take the $40.

And he can't find his ball.

We could help him out.

I could help him out.

No, I think we just...

Maybe do the podcast.

And I sent some of it back.

When it gnaws again, I'll send you some more.

So he's paying a gnawing fee.

He's got a gnaw tax.

So that guy just left without his ball, so I can go steal his ball when they leave.

Yeah.

Yeah, so.

So there's just a tax.

But why keep the money if you're...

that's how loans should work when it bothers you?

You just drop a little money their way.

Yeah, you just throw a little money back at the place that lent you the money.

It feels weird that I took all this money and not paying you anything.

Robbing and then starting to give it back by feeling bad.

I don't feel right about this.

Doing without his beer.

Now we're talking.

Thousands of workmen toil to keep some rich brewer rich or clothe the wives of rum sellers in silk white, their own while their own wives dress in cheap calico.

So they're saying that

sounds like a Karl Marx brewery kind of vibes.

But wait, wait, it's because they're making money off of their alcohol and they're dressing nice, and then their wives are dressing like you know, not they're not getting a slice of that.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, okay.

To

such, we commend this anecdote.

Anecdote.

Oh, I was hoping it would be an anecdote.

That'd be so much better.

We've come up with a potion to make you see women as equals.

It's the only way.

In England, there was a man named William Bailey, who once had been a...

Is William.

By the way, every man in England at this time was named William Bailey.

Yeah.

Not a lot of people know that.

That's right.

Who had once been a farm laborer and who now owns an establishment whose business amounts to thousands and thousands of dollars?

They make a cream liqueur.

What just happened?

I don't know.

Bailey's Irish cream?

Ah!

Oh.

Boom.

Suck it, Dave.

Well, that was because we had moved on, but now I get it.

Well, we were still talking about all the Baileys.

Yeah.

Some years ago, this man, so it's a rich guy's.

It'd be great if every guest got the business that Luke gets.

They'd be like, I don't want to do this show anymore.

Hey, I don't like your joke just there.

I didn't care for that one.

Defend your joke.

Defend your joke.

So

he used to be working class.

Now he's rich.

Right.

Some years ago, this man happened to cross a wheat field and saw some laborers at work mowing.

He was dressed in a fine suit of black, but walked over among the laborers and asked one of them if he might be allowed to mow.

And this is a story of him being good?

Well, the man said yes, and Bailey took a scythe and began to work.

He had...

He cut off the laborer's leg by

keeps slashing the man.

Just keeps.

Oops.

Oh, boy.

Those men are dead.

It goes back.

I tried to work a day as a man.

We need new gardeners.

As it happens, I found some new clients for my prosthetic limb business, which is booming.

He had not been long engaged when one of the laborers said, in some surprise, noting his attire and deeming him a wealthy gentleman, why, you have mowed before.

Yes, I have, Bailey responded.

And I used at one time.

This is pathetic.

And this is like when I see valets,

this is what I'm like.

Because I used to valet and I loved it.

So when I see valets, I'm like, you guys do a lot of Wood of Fridays Wild?

And I'm like, what?

I'm like, and the Fridays here.

What do you got a lot?

Are you guys street park?

And they're like, we're parking all over there.

I'm like, oh, I could get hairy.

You know, I remember the first time I drove a Prius.

I didn't think the damn thing was starting.

And they're like,

all right, dude.

And I'm like, all right, well, you boys, keep your nose clean.

Hey, I know I didn't.

All right, fellas.

Yes, I have.

And I used to, at one time, drink beer regularly when I did.

Fuck you.

So he used to get shit-faced while he did this, which is fine.

You can do this work, drunk.

It's called mowing and plowing.

But while I was mowing one day and drinking my beer, the idea suddenly came to me that I could mow just as well without beer.

This is such an 1890s revelation.

I realized alcohol didn't need to be involved in everything.

I don't have to be drunk to work, I said to myself.

Getting hammered to mow on the next installment of ye undercover boss.

It's his undercover boss.

Oh, I couldn't work without beer, interrupted one of the laborers.

I could never get on.

It's amazing.

He might work.

You're fired.

Well, well, continued Bailey.

After I began to mow without beer, I soon discovered that I could get on without mowing altogether.

I love that he's quitting mowing.

We should like that very well, said the laborers.

Oh, no, returned Bailey.

You cannot do without your beer, and you will go on mowing all your lives without doing anything better.

What the fuck?

I really don't shit out of this guy in the field.

I don't understand the re-

His point after all of that was like, oh, you are trash man.

I'm a better sort.

You guys are fucked.

Good day, garbage.

They've all got scythes.

Like, cut him.

Cut his ass.

Oh, it'd be great.

That was like that woman at the show the other night who showed us that pamphlet, and it was to make a guillotine, and it was just like how to make a lemonade stand.

Oh, yeah.

And it's a pictures of it.

It's like a lemon.

It's supposed to be a quote-unquote lemon cutter.

You got to post that.

The criminal calendar.

This is good.

I like the criminal calendar.

Happy Looters Day.

As E.B.

Wells, paymaster of Southside Gaslight and Coke Company, was riding along Deering Street, Chicago on the 16th in a buggy.

Three masked men assaulted him, knocking him senseless with a slung shot.

Slung shot.

It's got to be a slingshot.

Yeah, but they're saying past tense.

Secured $4,000 in gold and silver and escaped in a buggy taken from in front of a grocery store in which its owner was trading.

So

they did a robbery and a carjacking.

Yeah.

A wagon jacking.

That's good.

I mean.

Yeah.

I'm on their side.

There's not enough context, but I do like that your gut is to always go with the criminals.

Yeah.

Well,

he's got enough money.

He can.

He's also the paymaster.

It's not his cash.

Ooh, the paymaster.

No.

Postmaster General Key has decided that Queen Bees shall not be kept from the males.

A lot of these stories...

Do you know what that what?

Do you have any idea what he just said?

Some guy got robbed twice.

No, no, no.

The queenmaster.

The last, yeah.

But then he jumped over to the postmaster.

Now it's the postmaster.

Who's now in charge of the bees?

The queen bee.

No, he's saying what can be mailed.

And in this case, he's saying, yes, we will allow you to

send in the mail a queen bee.

Shut up.

Yeah.

That is not true.

That's exactly what it is.

That can't be true.

Why would it be true?

What the fuck, fire this man?

You know, that's how you get chickens in America, right?

After much deliberation, I've decided you can mail bees.

But not male bees.

Only female bees.

One female bee.

One female bee.

At a time.

By the way, the colony is like, what the fuck?

Well, I think that's why they were worried about mailing them, because they'll follow them.

That could get pretty crazy.

That would be fucking hysterical.

Because it's not like anything.

But also I got a whole bunch of bees that seem real interested in this one envelope?

It would be like when you turn your car on and you realize the mob has put a bomb in your engine.

You open the letter and then a queen bee comes out and you're like, oh no.

But this is before there's cars or anything, so nothing's really moving that fast, so bees could follow you.

What are you talking about?

This is not what the story is.

No, but you can mail bees.

That's probably their concern.

You shouldn't be able to mail bees because it's mailing a bee.

You can...

One time I...

No, it's a queen bee, and so

it would be followed by the hive.

You can't be mailing bees.

Why not?

Because it's horrid.

I bet you look it up right now.

I bet you can mail a queen bee.

I bet that never changed.

If you can mail a queen bee, I'm going to eat Luke's ass.

Because you can still mail chickens.

Well, fingers crossed.

Have you gotten chickens in the mail?

You brought this up now a couple times.

I considered it, but I can't have chickens where I live.

Well, just send it back to somebody else.

What does that mean?

Just slap return on sender.

You can mail a queen bee.

I told you.

But it's like not in an envelope.

What?

I didn't say it was in an envelope.

Well, I guess I was picturing an envelope.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I thought it was easier.

When I said you can mail a chicken, did you think they put that in an envelope also?

For a minute.

Why do you think everything in the mail goes in an envelope?

Don't.

You do.

You do.

Don't you?

Luke, rough him up.

One time my dad was...

Ah, goddammit, not the one time.

My dad was driving back from a Grateful Dead concert in the 70s, and he said they pulled up to a toll booth, and the man at the booth looked around the car at them, and they were all pretty clearly hippies.

And he just goes, Hey, you boys want a chicken?

And whoever was driving just was like, Uh, okay,

because he was kind of freaked out by the question.

Dave's face, right, Daddy.

And the toll booth operator just handed them out a live chicken that I guess had fallen off a truck and he didn't know what to do with.

And he's like, I'll let these hippies take the chicken.

And they took it home, and it lived on their speaker system for about a week.

And then G said one day it just left.

So, this is a very honestly, that feels like an article from the paper.

Man,

I am built to be a newsman from the 1800s.

Go ahead, I've got lots of anecdotes.

Luke.

I don't really know how to wrap up.

Luke.

Yeah, no, that's one thing I know.

The syntax is very confusing at times.

Yeah, absolutely.

At least you know that your stories a lot of times end with you like, hey, I got to yell.

I've seen some choice ladies, and I've tried to stop them from getting hit by carriages.

Go ahead.

Not always successfully.

That was a classic Luke story.

The other chicken one is just a classic Luke story.

And you've heard it twice before.

It was Luke's dad's story, but...

No, no, no.

That's your story.

I've taken it.

One of Worthington's school teachers recently took six revolvers from the little boys in his department.

We've got to arm the teachers.

America.

Got to arm the teachers.

We used to be a proper country.

Kids should come to school.

Six revolvers.

Yeah, well, they all had one at least.

That's one of the worst shots I've ever seen.

That guy shanked it sideways.

I think someone just went.

And he's golfing alone because no one wants to golf with him.

I golf alone.

An owl was shot west of Glencoe the other day, which measured four feet eight inches from tip to tip of its wings.

Jesus Christ.

So why'd you shoot it?

It was hooting at me.

Why would you shoot it now?

That is really offensive.

Yeah, why would you shoot the

owls?

They used to shoot everything.

That's why we have to have laws against it.

And that's why we're going back.

It's time to shoot owls again.

I want to arm the owls with six revolvers.

I agree.

Dave?

No.

Wow.

Enemy of owls, Dave Anthony.

We don't need...

The last thing we need to introduce to America is armed birds.

You don't think the drones are going to have guns?

Completely disagree.

The drones are going to have guns, but they completely disagree.

We don't need guns.

You're off on this one.

The French have taught eagles to go after drones, the French police,

because people were illegally using drones in Paris.

So they taught a bunch of eagles to attack the drones.

That's what we should be doing.

So?

Do we think that's true?

I think he believes it.

Google it.

I think he believes it.

Does that count?

On Monday last, John Dench of Rich Prairie, an old man over 70 years of age, killed a wild cat near his stable.

Oh my god, and then started to his son's house about

40 rods to tell him about it.

What's 40 rods?

We got to look it up because I bet you that's a story.

What do you think 40 rods is?

40 yards.

No, it's

right.

It's like a tenth of a mile or something.

It's going to be one of those like racing, it's like a furlong.

What?

A furlong?

I don't know.

Rods as a distance measurement.

A rod perch or pole.

It's British, of course.

Excuse me?

Disrespect.

It is defined as 16 and a half feet.

Okay.

So he walked.

I think I'm right.

What'd you say?

I said it was a yard.

No, it's 16 and a half feet.

Five and a half yards.

Quick math.

It's five and a half yards, yeah.

So it's not, so you're wrong.

I know, but I think it's important that we learned a lot about ourselves on the way to that.

So it's like a 200-ish yards.

He shot a cat and walked to his kids' house.

So he's walking two football fields away.

He's walking two football fields away.

There was not much news.

Excuse me, this man murdered a cat.

He didn't murder it.

It was trying to kill his horses, I assume.

What are you talking about?

It was near his stable.

Didn't try to kill his horses.

Cat and equine can live in harmony.

We're not talking about.

Feline and equine could live in harmony.

We're not talking about

a domestic cat.

cat we're talking about like a a a wildcat or something like a it's a bobcat i'm gonna mail you five bees but it's but it's a cougar a fucking bobcat or something it's not like you're thinking of again you're thinking of like

jose we're not talking about jose we're talking about murder cat either you're with us or you're against us

i'm gonna send an armed owl after you He only went about half the distance, so about a football

when he gave out and for some reason, for some unknown cause,

was found several hours afterwards dead and frozen boom that yeah don't fuck with cats bro yep don't fuck with cats nothing to do with killing the cat you kill you kill a cat you die nine lives you don't die

you kill a cat you die that's not how you can kill an eye for an eye one life for nine lives a die for a die you guys are not you guys shouldn't be speaking team cats team cats

well the noise i'm not okay with

a Emmanuel staff of Castle Rock, Dakota County, was induced the other day by a couple of

smooth-tongued, seductive chaps who pretended to be agents for light draft plows.

Hi, we're all from light draft plows.

What is light draft plows?

How are you doing, sir?

Light draft plow has to be like a like a light

plow for the field

to sign notes to the amount of $150.

So they convinced him to give him money.

Give him money through

fake plows.

He will probably be soon called upon to pay the notes in the hands of an innocent holder and will find that he has been swindled to that amount.

How is the paper so far ahead of this condon?

This guy?

This guy was reading this article like, wait, what?

The Great Deal?

I just read it.

Those smooth-tongued chaps were none other than I,

your faithful reporter.

But how do they know?

I don't know.

Luke's kind of got the only answer.

Why do I report about it before it's done?

It makes me hard.

Wait.

I get off on the trickery.

We got to pull the plug on this reporter.

This reporters become a real liability for the paper.

Sir, feel my smooth.

Smooth chaps.

Sir, sir.

Stop with your reporting.

They're assless.

Oh, my God.

What is he talking about?

My champs.

I know the chaps.

We know what you're talking about.

We understand.

We also don't want to know what you're talking about.

We hear the words.

We just don't want know.

The breathe blows through.

The breathe blows through.

I tried to say breeze, but my tongue didn't work.

It's too slippery and smooth.

Okay, I'm just gonna.

He will probably be soon called upon to pay the notes in the hands of an innocent holder and will find that he has been swindled to that amount.

Intelligent farmers who take and read the papers ought to escape all such swindlers.

This is a paper ad.

Yeah, it's an ad.

They're saying buy the paper and you'll know about the swindlers that are out there.

All right.

How much you want?

I don't, nothing.

I'm not.

I'll take one year's subscription, boy.

This just in.

Newspaper readers swindled out of a year's subscription by a smooth-tongue

advertisement from a man in assless chaps.

Stop with the chaps.

What are we doing?

Sitting comfortably on the chair of his desk, avoiding splinters because it is sanded smooth.

I'm real locked in on my chaps.

I don't think you're locked in.

I think instead of like, you know, there's the angel and the devil on the shoulders, there's just two Luke's on his shoulder, like, go

further.

Let him cook.

Push.

I don't think let him cook has ever been set around you, Luke.

No.

Good lord, no.

Except for the like with the toilet covered in oats.

Student deviltry.

Nice.

Some medical students planned in Baltimore one day last week a daring freak.

Uh-huh.

Diddy?

Huh?

Yeah, that is a what did he call him?

Freakoffs.

Freakoffs.

Freak offs.

Yeah.

Okay.

Which miscarried only by a mere chance.

They went up to the top of the Washington Monument about five o'clock in the evening.

Jesus Christ.

I like where this is going.

When it was fast growing dark.

One of them wearing an extra coat.

Okay.

Another an extra pair of pantaloons.

Uh-oh.

Are they going to dress the monument?

And another carrying old boots.

Uh-oh.

They're making a fake.

They're going to good sun.

They're making a fail.

They're making a fake man.

And other material concealed with which to manufacture the effigy of a man.

Oh, no.

They quickly did.

So they call it a manument.

Pick yourself up.

Got them.

They quickly did their work almost too quickly, for their design had been observed by several people on the street below, whose presence on the corner attracted the attention of the keeper.

So people knew.

People saw them making a man.

Did the people say they make a man or did the people.

For the design had been observed by several people.

Okay, so they saw him making it.

They saw him making a man.

This is the Washington Monument.

Yeah.

You can't see up there what's going on.

Oh, yeah.

I don't think it's as tall as you think it is.

Yeah, you've always thought it was taller than it is.

You've always had this real blind spot for the Washington Monument.

It goes

to the state building, Dave.

Sometimes when the moon comes over, you can step off the monument and onto the moon.

Well,

this had a lot more troubling real quick.

But see, then it'd be lit up real well from that moonlight.

So why are you bringing Dave in today?

He thinks you can step off the monument and onto the moon.

But only when it's not full.

If it's full, you'll slide right off.

That's right.

You got to get on the little step part.

Apprehending that a tragedy was impending, he rushed to the top of the shaft where he was.

I've rushed to the top of the shaft before.

One time I put a man on top of my shaft and made him rush towards it.

Effigy.

Where he was at first startled.

Effigy.

Ah.

Oh.

Get your hand off.

Dave, climb on that moon.

Okay, so.

By the way, this is the keeper of the monument running up there.

I got to show me the keeper of the monument of today.

Where he was first startled by seeing a pair of boots hanging over the parapet.

Oh, no!

We got a man on the monument!

And nearby, a slow match burning.

There's a guy!

So they set it up so we could.

They're about to light him on fire, the effigy?

It's an effigy.

You burn it.

Excuse me, sometimes effigies don't burn.

Sometimes it's just nice to put one at the dinner table and pretend like there's someone else there with you.

Sometimes you hang them.

Yeah, I've done a lot of stuff with effigies.

Sometimes, if they're high enough quality silicone, you create a real relationship with it.

Luke, are you banging your effigy?

I don't know if I agree with that.

Luke, you're banging your effigy.

It's my effigy F.

On closer examination, however, he discovered the trick, which had been artfully planned.

The effigy had a rope about its neck,

an end of which was tied to the lightning rod.

Uh-oh, they were trying to bring it to life.

Back in the future, I think a Frankenstein said.

It's alive!

Another cord was around the waist of the figure, and to this the slow match had been attached, which,

when it had burned the cord,

by the the time it had grown quite dark, would have caused the figure to slip over the parapet and left it for Sunday morning hanging, a terrifying spectacle to all good folks on the way to church.

Pretty good planning.

Yeah, that's not bad.

And I do like this prank that they're like, we're going to goof and make them think a guy's dead up there.

Yeah, a guy hung himself.

Real Ruvan.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, good for them.

It's pretty smart.

That's OK Go's new music video.

Jesus Christ.

That was a blast from the past.

For the two people who got it, they were like, that's pretty good.

That was the end of the story?

Yeah.

Okay.

How do you feel about it?

I mean, I just, I wish the keeper had, you know, followed up.

Let us know.

Did he.

But

Luke, here's the thing with news.

Sometimes you're just going to get the first part and they'll do follow-ups later.

I think you want books.

It is later.

It's a lot later.

No, no, no.

This is a paper from the.

Have we explained what this podcast is?

How late we wait.

It's hundreds of years later, and he's not followed up.

This is a paper from one day.

Well, like, you know how if you picked up the paper today, it would just tell you like the most relevant news.

It wouldn't wrap up those stories for you.

They're not going to wait to wrap the stories up.

And that's why I don't pick up the paper.

Luke is requesting more reply guys.

Well, 18th century reply, guys.

Nope.

Let the effigy swing.

Nope.

We're done.

That's the end of you, Luke.

That was a good shot.

Nobody cares.

That was a good shot.

I've thought a lot about the little town that I live in now has like a

free newspaper they put out quarterly.

That's just

advertising for local realtors.

But I want to get a bunch of printings made of my own rival local newspaper and just do stories like this.

Do you want to counter what they write in their free paper or are you just going to do a different paper?

Like, are you going to have replies to their stories?

I might.

I might sort of take some aim, do some corrections at, like, the like new ice cream place opens.

It's like, well,

we'll see about that.

A little takedown of that story.

Luke?

What?

Like, do you, do you, you know, words are coming out.

How are you feeling about them?

If you were a kitchen, the dishes would be inedible.

And ineligible.

Ineligible.

Okay.

Life-saving rules.

Some healthy maxims to be pasted in the hat for use of emergencies.

Oh, that's fun.

You do write a little note to yourself inside your hat.

Don't you love to read the maxims which some wise man writes for the newspapers?

Useful rules which are intended to save human life and alleviate human suffering.

How funny would it be if like in two days we see that Luke has pasted pictures from like Maxim in his hat?

I wouldn't at all.

You're like, what?

Surprised.

Just like, yeah, this girl's pouring beer on her jugs.

It's an ex-body spray ad.

Maxims.

There is always so much practical common sense in them.

Here's a batch, for instance.

For dust in the eyes, avoid rubbing and dash water of them.

Okay.

Super, super smart.

Hard to read that with dust in your eyes.

Wait, what were the rules?

It's when you gotta just

remember.

There was something I was supposed to do.

Oh, God, I wish I could see.

There's so much dust.

Somebody read my hat to me.

Going around town.

Sir, could you read my hat directions?

It was just a picture of a lady with beer on her jokes.

Oh, that's right.

I gotta jerk off.

Thanks for the reminder.

Thank you.

I'm gonna go behind this fence here.

There's no fence there.

Oh, yeah.

Well, just catch it in my hat.

Oh yeah, that's how I paste them.

This is especially useful when you are on the cars and there isn't a drop of water in the country nearer than the engine or the next lake 43 miles behind you.

The idea that he said 43 miles is totally weird.

Sounds very specifically like something like me.

There's a lake 43 miles behind me, for instance.

Now this next one's very helpful for Luke.

Remove insects from the ear by tepid water.

Never put a hard instrument into your ear.

Let's Luke.

please please repeat it remove instrument remove insects from the ear with tepid water never put a hard instrument in your ear all right i heard that

yes that is pretty advice now isn't it suppose an indian peace commissioner gets an insect in his ear when he is out in

when he is out in colorado is that man to suffer until he can reach the mississippi river in order to get enough water to fill his ear what a nightmare walk that is think about it walking to the mississippi River to stall a moth.

From Colorado to get that moth?

At that point, I think you go for the hard instrument.

Have you no, Luke?

I don't know.

Now, Luke, have you ever had a bug in your ear?

Not to my knowledge.

Well, that says that there's a bunch living in your head, to me.

Before passing through smoke, take a full breath and stoop low.

That's so funny to be like, I don't agree.

Exhale and jump.

Why would you take a full breath of non-

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, hold your breath.

Just imagine now what a circus a smoking car would present if every man who entered it kept that rule posted in his hat.

Why would you hit him?

Why is this guy obsessed with hat rules?

Why are you all in your hat?

I think he's saying these are bad rules.

You know what?

It's like the new, it's like the Bill Maher segment of their day: hat rules.

Oh, sure.

If everyone entered the smoking car with a big breath, that's gonna work just fine.

How about this?

We make our decisions to hold our breath if we want to or not.

Suck poisonous wounds unless your mouth is sore.

He's not reading, he's telling you to go do that, Luke.

Okay.

Suck poisonous wounds unless your mouth is sore, enlarge the wound, or better, cut the wound without one delay.

If that isn't a lively piece of advice for a sane man to give to healthy people.

Now look, allow me to suck your wound.

I don't have swords.

I don't have a wound.

I don't have swords in my mouth.

We can make one.

Listen here, don't you do anything of the kind.

And if you get a scratch on the throat, don't enlarge it or cut it out.

And if you get a wound on the back of your neck, don't try to reach it with your mouth.

Somebody will try that someday, and there'll be a broken neck in the family.

I think he's got to be being funny.

It's got to be a joke at this point.

Yeah.

You can't suck the back of your own neck.

I can too.

Watch me.

That's how Luke goes.

Wolves still make the night hideous with their howling, especially was this case last Thursday.

Wow.

You know, it's pretty fucking sad that we live in a time where you will never hear a wolf, like while you sleep.

You'll never be like, ah, the wolves are too much.

But

we play our cards, right?

You could hear a beautiful choir singing in dog church.

Dude, let the dog church choir die.

I still think it's a viable option.

But people hunger for hell songs.

Read the title of that article, Jesus Christ.

The dying earth

written by?

What's the guy's name?

Professor Proctor in New York.

Oh, okay.

My friends, even our earth must die.

Oh, my God.

It must go the way of all the earth and other earths.

This is a Trump speech.

In the course of 25 more millions of years,

it must deadhead its way among the stars.

You want to read it in Trump voice?

Sure, okay, yeah.

Well, people don't like Trump, but I'll read it in Trump voice.

Here's Trump's latest speech.

My friends, even our Earth must die.

It must go the way of

all the Earth and

other Earths.

In the course of 25 more millions of years, it must deadhead its way

among the stars.

It must dry up.

Bottom of the seas will leak.

The waters run out.

Mars and Venus' seas are so leaking now.

The moon is dead already, poor thing.

And

no one kind enough to bury her.

When you look on the face of the moon, you look on the face of a corpse.

It's all nonsense to talk of the moon's rising or setting or getting up or setting down

or the moon's looking down on us.

It does nothing of the sort.

It's dead and can't look anywhere.

And the earth is dying.

In 25 million years,

it'll be nothing but cold cinder.

No seas,

no men, no women, no girls, no boys.

No children, no fashions, no newspapers, no politics.

If Nancy Pelosi gets her way, no politics, no revolutions, no wars, no rumors of wars.

No theaters, no plays, no critics,

no nothing.

All blank, dry, dead, dull, dusty, deserted, doleful,

and dreadful.

The sun will get up every morning for nothing, no life at all, at all.

The animal, mineral, and vegetable kingdoms

all destroyed.

The earth will be deserted and dusty, hung with mold

and hung with codwebs.

Rats will burrow everywhere, and all sorts of weeds will choke up our parks and gardens.

Now, friends,

something should be done

before it's too late to raise a monument of our departing earth.

Some organization should be formed to see it buried decently and provide for the payment of the funeral expenses.

Well done, well done.

Oh my god,

100% of Trump's page.

Holy shit.

All right, you got one more for little Luki boy

Mexican robbers are real hildalgos

and always steal and murder like gentlemen.

Are you just asking for another Trump speech?

And always steal and murder like gentlemen.

Wow.

Being especially polite to the ladies whose jewelry they appropriate.

A bandit chief, after shooting a gentleman dead because he refused to give up the keys to his house.

This is a backhanded compliment.

This is because he just shot and killed a guy.

Yeah.

Addressed the widow thus with hat in hand.

Madame, we are gentlemen and never could be guilty of rudeness to the fair.

Pray accept this diamond as a memento of the deceased and believe me your slave to command.

My compliments to your distressed orphans.

Oh my God.

You gotta love the like

the way that people would commit crime and then be like, I want to give you a tip.

It's about manners.

Yeah.

It's my diamond.

So I stole $65 from you.

Here's $20.

I murdered your husband.

Here's a diamond.

It was his, but now it's yours.

Not going to read this last one, but the headline is the heathen Chinese, and it has two E's on it.

Okay, Luke, where can people find you besides in the van?

You're what, at Luke H.

Simmons?

I'm at Luke H.

Simmons on most of the things.

You go on tour with me often if people want to see you do stand-up.

And if people ever want to see you really in your element, they should see you at a dollop show where you are Dick Van Dijking it doing 800 different things for us that we appreciate

and

you sure you mess up a number of those things, but overall when you put the marbles on the scale, it's a lot of good.

But man, the mess-ups are usually the marbles end up all over the floor.

Yeah, and sometimes you eat a couple marbles and like a home alone style trap, and I'm doing six-foot vertical airborne before I come down hard on my lower back.

But the other day I got to saw the head off a cabbage patch, kid.

Had a show.

Had a show.

Can I also just recommend that people go and sit at the ninth hole at the end and just watch how bad people are at golf?

I don't want to jinx this, but I'm shocked that one of these holes hasn't shattered

it.

Yeah, it's a really crazy place to have a parking lot.

Yeah, no, it's not.

Well, it's because golfers do it.

It's 20 feet from the it's for people golfing, not people doing a podcast.

Here, here's a little treat for we'll end the video like this.

There you go.

You can see what we're seeing.

Got one right in the right in the sand.

Oh, no, he came on the green.

Look at you.

For those who didn't believe it,

for those who said it couldn't be done.

And I'm done.

And then the earth died.

And then the earth died.

Okay,

yeah.

What's up, Gareforce?

Dollheads.

It's Gareforce.

Listen, I don't know what's going on anymore.

Listen, go to GarethReynolds.com because I have a lot of shows coming up.

I'll be in San Diego, California, September 21st.

Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Springfield, Missouri, the 26th, 27th, four shows.

Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.

I will be in Wichita, Kansas on September 30th at Vorges.

I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.

Fort Wayne, Indiana, for two shows on October 3rd.

Then I'm taping my special at the Den, October 4th.

Saturday, October 4th at Chicago, Illinois, GarethReynolds.com.

Also, I'll be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th, 7th, 8th.

I'll be in Omaha, Nebraska at the Funnybone, November 28th, November 29th.

I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, December 2nd.

And then I will also be in Seattle and Eugene right after that.

GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Come on, Gareth Force.

Let's party.