131 - The Past Times with Ryan Dalton

Transcript

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Speaker 41 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Speaker 41 Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week.

Speaker 33 Put the money down, Dave, the great Ryan Dalton. Let's get back to the money.
No,

Speaker 42 no, right? This is what you could win. This is what you could win today.

Speaker 33 All right. That's going to be very interesting for the opening because there is a contest and Dave oftentimes makes it so the guest always wins.

Speaker 33 So it'll be very interesting to see if Dave decides to buck his stupid convention

Speaker 33 or just send you $100, Ryan. It's price right now.
Either way, Venmo is at the Ryan Dalton. No, no, no.
You'll get that one. What? What?

Speaker 33 Nobody, don't come on the show and promote your Venmo. How long?

Speaker 42 You also get melatonin.

Speaker 33 How long until comedians are on stage plugging their Venmos? That has to happen. Oh, I think I've seen it before at the end of the show.

Speaker 33 It's donations.

Speaker 33 I've seen that. But like during the set, it would be good to have a Venmo joke where you just promote your Venmo.
It's like the part where the comedian does merch. They just ask

Speaker 33 Venmo is this. That occurs too.

Speaker 33 Well, Salty Dalty, it's nice to have you here.

Speaker 33 What are we doing?

Speaker 42 Is that his nickname? Or are you just...

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 42 I've never heard that?

Speaker 33 They call him Walking Dalty or Salty Dalty.

Speaker 33 That's something we do on this podcast here, Dave, that maybe

Speaker 33 you're not in on. It's a long-running joke where

Speaker 33 you don't talk about it.

Speaker 33 Go ahead.

Speaker 33 Gareth found out that I like a certain sexual thing done and that I should be shamed for it. No, don't do that.

Speaker 42 I'm not putting salt on your dick.

Speaker 33 No. No, no.

Speaker 33 That's more of a punishment.

Speaker 33 Say it.

Speaker 33 I guess

Speaker 33 the clinical term is analingus.

Speaker 33 Clinical term.

Speaker 33 I found this out before we were all open to everything, you know? Yeah. And boy, I'll tell you, we had some fun.

Speaker 33 Yeah, and he still does to this day. Like, I haven't seen him.
My kink. Right now.
My kink is enjoying that you like analingus, so don't shame what I love. That turns me out.
See, gotcha.

Speaker 42 Either way, yeah. And

Speaker 42 I like to lick his asshole.

Speaker 33 All right. The dog will be ready.

Speaker 33 But, Ryan, talk to me about the Formula Funcast. That is your

Speaker 33 new...

Speaker 33 What is it? It's an animated Formula One racing experience. Would that be? That's right.
That's right. That's basically it.

Speaker 33 I play a character by the name of Jason Waterfalls, who's an ex-methyl-communist. And what's his policy on butt stuff?

Speaker 33 Well, he's down for it. He's pretty much up to anything.
He's an ex-method pitchman who's trying his hand at stand-up comic, and he lives in a stand-up comic.

Speaker 33 He lives in a place called Montezuma, Colorado, where him and a few other people host this podcast that he invested all of his savings into.

Speaker 33 And right now, they're covering the craziness that is in the white-hot sport that is F1 racing.

Speaker 33 And they tune into every race. That's how you do a pitch.
Yeah, that's right there.

Speaker 33 And then you watch these guys who don't really know much about the sport talk about the sport and guess upon everything that's happening and stumble through tire strategy, teams, and everything.

Speaker 33 So they talk all things F1. You've got some stuff.
I'm just

Speaker 33 funny, Dave?

Speaker 42 You're sure. You've got stuff talk.

Speaker 33 Yeah, we all want to get there. I thought about when Randy Johnson threw a pitch and eviscerated a bird two days ago.
I just driving saw a bird and I thought, Randy Johnson.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 42 It just, it just

Speaker 42 turned into pepper. It just comes into your head when you look up and see a bird once in a while.
You're like, A man killed a bird with a baseball.

Speaker 33 With a baseball. Every time I've been to a game, I went to a Guardians game on Saturday.
I was out and there in the outfield. I'm like, man, Randy Johnson did kill a bird

Speaker 33 in the middle of this game in the middle of the baseball. He's walking around like a regular man right now.

Speaker 42 What the talk about the worst luck for a bird ever.

Speaker 42 He's just flying. He's just flying through a stadium.

Speaker 33 We should have known that we were on a bad timeline when that happened. We should have been like, we got to start changing some stuff.
We're pitchers are killing birds with baseballs now. This is

Speaker 33 not good.

Speaker 33 All right, Ryan. Well, you're in our our world now.
You're not in the world of Formula One racing.

Speaker 33 You're in our world now.

Speaker 33 Wait, I can't hear you, Ryan. And I think that's good, honestly.
Ryan, you're muted again. You're muted.
Ryan, occasionally,

Speaker 33 sorry about that.

Speaker 42 Ryan, his computer mutes him just because it doesn't want to hear a back and forth between you two. And it's

Speaker 42 upset by what you are doing.

Speaker 33 One of the few things that AI has gotten right is stepping in when there's pits. Ryan, how we like to start this is that Dave has picked out this

Speaker 33 stupid newspaper. And you and I are going to guess what year it's from.

Speaker 33 The winner gets $100, whoever's closest. And it's not price is right rules.
You are allowed to go over. It's who's ever closest, but you do get $100 if you get it right.

Speaker 33 By the way, don't be one of those dicks who's like, where's that money? If two months from now, there's no follow-up.

Speaker 33 Just be cool. Yeah.

Speaker 33 So I'll send an email right now. Hold on.
You will not. So this, put your hands down.
So this could be from the 1700s, the 1800s. Could be the 1900s.

Speaker 33 But I just want you to pick a year. What's your gut? What's your hole telling you?

Speaker 33 Why? What are you doing?

Speaker 33 Use your butt, Oracle. I want to say 1954.
Interesting. I don't think you're right.
I think it's 1888.

Speaker 33 Oh,

Speaker 42 man.

Speaker 42 Ryan wins. It is 1885.

Speaker 33 Shut the fuck up. Why do you do this? What do you mean? I'm three years off.
Ryan, I've actually guessed it right before and lost. So I saw Dave Hill

Speaker 33 within a year. Yeah.

Speaker 42 Ryan had a five in his, and that's how we were judging it today.

Speaker 33 Oh.

Speaker 33 Rules of five. August 15th.

Speaker 42 August 15th, 1885.

Speaker 42 That's how we keep

Speaker 42 the guessing game fresh is by having different ways that you can get closest to the number. August 15th, 1885.
The Tarcheo Avalanche, Tarcheo, Missouri.

Speaker 42 Which I don't think is a place. I've never heard of it.

Speaker 33 I don't know. I was in Timonium.

Speaker 33 Oh, no, that's Maryland. Whatever.
Who gives a shit? It doesn't matter.

Speaker 33 I'm actually going to leave.

Speaker 42 I'm leaving.

Speaker 42 A lot of people confuse Maryland and Missouri.

Speaker 33 They have M's. They're states.
There's a lot of Missouri.

Speaker 42 Is Missouri the worst state in the country?

Speaker 33 No, it isn't.

Speaker 33 What is? I don't know.

Speaker 33 I would say if you look at statistics, it's Mississippi. But as far as anecdotal, I'm still sticking with Arizona.
You suck, Arizona.

Speaker 33 Hmm. I don't know.

Speaker 33 It's a tough one for me because Florida's pretty grotesque. I just went to Florida and I did not want.
I wanted to go in with my bias, just a wagon. And I was like, it's,

Speaker 33 I don't hate it.

Speaker 42 It is a nice tropical place. It's the people that's the problem, but not all the people are bad.
There's, there's, it's not a huge

Speaker 33 state.

Speaker 33 It's a lot. It's big.

Speaker 42 It's a vast state. They've done a ton of gerrymandering.
You know, I actually met him when I was out there.

Speaker 42 He's good. Yeah.
He's good. He's sexy.
He's good.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 33 All right. So, Timoni America.

Speaker 42 I'll leave it at Oklahoma then.

Speaker 42 A full-grown fraud.

Speaker 33 A writer. I really thought you were going to say frog, and that was also exciting.
But go on. Oh, wouldn't that have been good?

Speaker 42 A writer in the Harrelson in Georgia banner, sorry, thus exposes one of the most transparent frauds of the age.

Speaker 42 I herein and hereby take occasion to expose another one of the frauds that is being daily and hourly perpetrated on our unsuspecting men.

Speaker 33 Finally.

Speaker 33 Poor man.

Speaker 33 Sweet little men.

Speaker 42 I say men for the reason that the women have got better sense than to be victimized by it.

Speaker 33 Come on. It's a double whammy on the man.

Speaker 42 I allude to the shirt that is made wrong, side foremost, with a back alley to it split open on the south side. Not even a window in front.

Speaker 33 Ryan, shirt with a back alley. I think we,

Speaker 33 I mean this this sounds like this fashion statement, whatever. It sounds like it's a reverse cape that this guy's upset about, right? It is a little aprony.

Speaker 42 Oh, yeah, that's interesting.

Speaker 33 A reverse cape. So

Speaker 42 made wrong side foremost with a back alley to it. Split open on the south side, not even a window in the front.
That is

Speaker 42 it's a drape. Yeah, you're right.
It sounds like a reverse cape.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Which is

Speaker 33 look.

Speaker 42 But this person is correct to start out the paper about this if that's what's going on.

Speaker 33 Well, I don't know. I mean, again.

Speaker 42 It's a useless shirt.

Speaker 33 Gareth. I don't.

Speaker 42 What are you doing?

Speaker 33 I don't shirt shame here. I just want...
You guys are shirt shaming. So

Speaker 42 gross. As a fraud, I align it alongside a circus show.

Speaker 33 Hitting hard. This is a shirt circus.
A circus.

Speaker 42 It keeps out the air on the front side and is about.

Speaker 33 Well, that's a big complaint I have: air. The air contacts

Speaker 42 with a front side, but what about the back side, Gareth?

Speaker 33 Well, the back's cold. Total ventilation.
Yeah, exactly. It's sort of seven-year itching.

Speaker 33 Listen, you know me. I hate pants.
But I

Speaker 33 know you're air blocked.

Speaker 42 You're a hotback guy.

Speaker 33 I'm a big hotback guy. Yeah, I'm the same.

Speaker 33 I like a hotback.

Speaker 42 Okay, it keeps out the air on the front side and is all, and is about all it does keep out for the fleas, red bugs, et cetera, walk in at the back door. And when they

Speaker 42 once get there, they are at home till Sunday at least.

Speaker 33 So this man

Speaker 33 ticks? I mean, it sounds like a red bug.

Speaker 33 It sounds like

Speaker 33 just

Speaker 33 infested. This man is just infested with mites and ticks and

Speaker 33 his only defense is a shirt.

Speaker 42 I mean,

Speaker 33 so it's complete.

Speaker 33 This man has not found pants, correct? Yeah.

Speaker 42 Well, these are, but he's, we're talking about his upper half, so the pants don't matter.

Speaker 33 He's not

Speaker 33 a cape.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 42 He's wearing a reverse cape, as Ryan is pointing out.

Speaker 33 But he keeps saying back door.

Speaker 33 Is he mad that he bought it?

Speaker 33 I think he's.

Speaker 33 I think he has buyers of it.

Speaker 33 Is this a letter to, is this like early Yelp right now? Like, he's letting people know he's sure to bullshit.

Speaker 42 He's leaving a review on like Target. a website or whatever.

Speaker 33 Right. Which are, by the way, that should just be a hobby.
Illegal. Do we ever get any time to just go on Target and just read the angry comments?

Speaker 42 Oh, my God.

Speaker 42 The operation can't be successfully performed with. Oh, wait, what a luxury it is to scratch.
The operation can't be successfully performed with a locust back shirt on.

Speaker 42 I was about to forget to tell you that I have one.

Speaker 42 Gareth, I already included that in because you were yelling about it.

Speaker 33 obviously

Speaker 33 about it.

Speaker 42 It is nearly worn out, and I am glad glad of it, too.

Speaker 33 How do you wear that word? He wore it so much that it's a toast. And he's like, this shirt sucks.

Speaker 42 I don't think they had a lot of clothes back then. So you've got a shirt.
You're like, this is my shirt.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 33 This shirt took three months to get knitted, so I'm going to stick with it.

Speaker 33 It wasn't yet.

Speaker 42 Well, there weren't, I mean, it wasn't mass manufacturing of clothes yet.

Speaker 33 So we did have to sew.

Speaker 42 How are we worshing?

Speaker 33 River?

Speaker 33 Yeah, we're probably.

Speaker 42 Well, no, they have a worshipping tub.

Speaker 33 I've had a worshi tub. Okay.
A screen tub in low tide. They would washing low tide.

Speaker 42 That's right. That's what I meant.

Speaker 33 That's good.

Speaker 42 I am nearly worn out too.

Speaker 33 Last Tuesday. I'm done.
By the way,

Speaker 33 I'm done with this shit.

Speaker 33 What's great about this is my back is burned and all covered in bugs.

Speaker 42 It's almost like, Frank, just button it up in the back.

Speaker 33 Maybe turn it around so it's in front.

Speaker 33 Then it's like a thing we have already. And stop writing that letter.

Speaker 33 Having this conversation with him where he's like, I just, I'm fixing it for myself.

Speaker 42 There's no way out.

Speaker 33 No way out of this.

Speaker 33 Over.

Speaker 42 Last Tuesday it was cloudy, and that is the time when we went,

Speaker 42 when we town fellows hoe our gardens. I hoed mine.
I hoed a while with my coat on, got hot too, and pulled it off. Soon got on my vest and went at it right.

Speaker 42 About three o'clock, my friend John Baskin, who was hoeing his garden about 100 yards off, hallowed out, hello, squire, your back is mighty red.

Speaker 42 I felt around, and sure enough, it was so sore I had to quit work and go to the house, and it's been getting sore ever since. And Dr.

Speaker 42 Fitz says, when I get a brand new hide on my back, he hopes I'll take better care of it. I think this person might be just clinically infected.

Speaker 33 Is this the

Speaker 33 report of the world's first sunburn?

Speaker 33 I mean, it's a guy who doesn't understand. You mean when your skin grows back? No, like a new, like raw hide or something to put on his, like some leathery back cover.

Speaker 33 Ryan, it's around this time when I like to remind you that this is the first article in a newspaper.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 33 Okay. So this is the lead out as a guy who got infested with bugs.

Speaker 33 Oh, this is top story. This is the number one story in the paper.
Okay.

Speaker 33 It's about a guy who.

Speaker 42 Infested with bugs and then severely burned.

Speaker 33 Can we really get a picture of this shirt? Because the... I don't know.

Speaker 33 It fully turned into smock for me during this explanation that he's out there naked in just

Speaker 33 a front cake. It's like a a front cake that's the best definition.

Speaker 42 It's like they put a hospital gown on him, right?

Speaker 33 Yes. Yes.
That's what I'm picturing. And he's just out there, nude Hoen

Speaker 33 and he got bit and burned

Speaker 42 because he never names the shirt. It's not, it doesn't have a name.

Speaker 33 I think it's on Tuckett.

Speaker 42 The smallest baby.

Speaker 33 News story. I would have led with that.
I agree.

Speaker 42 She lives in Philadelphia.

Speaker 33 But the first one was full-grown fraud. So everything is like size is a grabber.

Speaker 42 It's about size.

Speaker 42 Her height is but a trifle over five and a half inches and her weight less than three pounds.

Speaker 33 Well, I'm sorry. This is not okay.
Yeah. Well, hold on.

Speaker 42 She is round, plump, and shapely, as bright as a new dollar, and sound as a drum. So she's just a healthy, tiny baby.

Speaker 33 I don't at five inches. She's a healthy tiny baby.
Five inches and three shots.

Speaker 42 Sometimes they come out.

Speaker 33 She's an action figure.

Speaker 42 Maybe they didn't realize that. And she doesn't move.

Speaker 42 She sits on the mantle.

Speaker 33 Oh. Oh, well, where you put a baby is where you want to put it on the mantle.
Have I introduced you to my daughter, Ruth?

Speaker 33 Her name is

Speaker 42 Decora Mabel Summers.

Speaker 42 In spite of her diminutive size, Miss Summers has a robust voice.

Speaker 33 I'm not a bit of calling a premature fetus just I don't think she's premature. I don't know what she is, but she ain't born, but she ain't alive.

Speaker 42 In spite of her

Speaker 42 diminutive size, Miss Summers has a robust voice, which can be heard from the garret to the cellar without straining an ear.

Speaker 42 And her physician declares she is as healthy a child as he has ever met in the whole course of his professional career. So she's fine.
She's just small.

Speaker 42 You have a bias against tiny babies.

Speaker 33 I mean, I guess we were smaller back before, like, you know, health and medicine and

Speaker 33 maybe the essentially back in the 1800s, we were all three apples tall. If we're talking about baby scale, he's right.

Speaker 42 Back then, we were all three apples tall.

Speaker 33 And we sat on the mantle when we were born. That's where we were.

Speaker 33 You're talking about crab apples for it's i'm not even gonna get into this we were we were known as mantlers yeah this is a tiny this baby is not first of all this baby is not three apples tall so even with our new way of thinking no yeah no she's exactly why would it five and a half inches that's three apples if you got some sweet apples okay apples are you talking about where you get your apples first of all i'm talking about a honey crisp well then this baby is one honey crisp height you are out of your tits sir

Speaker 33 yeah no yes no sir yes sir that is insane you are insane

Speaker 33 her mother

Speaker 42 miss mary emma summers is a strong and healthy woman 35 years who is also the mother of five other children all good size

Speaker 42 Her father, Harry, is a barber by trade.

Speaker 42 And when questioned about his youngest daughter, he said, quote, yes, she is a little tot, and I have been advised to exhibit her about the country as a curiosity.

Speaker 42 The doctor assures me she will never attain any size. She is now the smallest baby that ever is known to live.

Speaker 33 None of this is till the end of this week.

Speaker 33 The tour ends Friday, when she will.

Speaker 33 Come on down. Hurry.

Speaker 33 By the way, if you got a cold, get in nice and close. This girl's got an immune system that's roaring.

Speaker 42 Since her birth, she has not grown a half an inch in height, though she is a trifle heavier.

Speaker 33 She's a stillborn child.

Speaker 42 She got

Speaker 33 thicker. We should be doing venues.

Speaker 42 She's growing wider, Gareth.

Speaker 33 What does that even mean?

Speaker 42 She's putting on weight.

Speaker 33 So she's just becoming a line?

Speaker 42 Well, she's doing what she's supposed to do.

Speaker 33 She's an ear of corn.

Speaker 33 I don't even.

Speaker 42 You're so anti-tiny baby.

Speaker 33 Stop.

Speaker 33 Don't shame me for being anti-baby.

Speaker 42 Immediately after she was born, I weighed her, and she scarcely pulled the scale down to the two-pound mark. Today, she is just two pounds and three-quarters, and that includes her clothing.

Speaker 42 She was born on Decoration Day. That's why we call her Decora.

Speaker 33 Fatty.

Speaker 33 That's right. If there was child protective services, they would be stepping in back then.

Speaker 33 Are you looking up Decora? Are you trying to find some sort of...

Speaker 42 Yeah, nothing comes up except for this news story.

Speaker 33 I wonder why.

Speaker 33 Because this did not happen. This is not real.
This is just a way to sell tickets to some bullshit.

Speaker 42 And then you think that there's like a doll

Speaker 42 instead of a...

Speaker 33 Yeah, it's like a dimly writ... like a dimly lit dime store room where they're just like,

Speaker 33 oh, stay there now. Don't get closer.
Decora's crabby.

Speaker 42 Okay, here's a story from

Speaker 42 months later.

Speaker 33 Oh, I can't look at this one.

Speaker 42 And it's in Australia. So they're talking about it in Australia now.

Speaker 33 The funeral of Decorah? Yeah.

Speaker 33 Yeah, maybe she.

Speaker 33 I don't know.

Speaker 42 I don't know. I mean,

Speaker 42 I don't know what to say, but that's it.

Speaker 33 Do you need me to say anything? Because I'll tell you that it's totally bullshit.

Speaker 42 What we don't like is naysayers on this podcast.

Speaker 33 Is that right?

Speaker 33 Ryan, thoughts? The child real fake?

Speaker 33 I know.

Speaker 33 Look,

Speaker 33 I think it's the best part: is that, look, we're going to get her out working. She's going to go into show biz real quick.

Speaker 33 She doesn't, if she doesn't, she's going to get into the factory and start making these backless shirts. Right.
Little decor in a factory.

Speaker 33 She's got tiny.

Speaker 33 She's got tiny hands.

Speaker 42 She can make the buttons.

Speaker 43 Excuse me. Can you lift me up there, please?

Speaker 33 I'm trying to keep my hands out there.

Speaker 42 Hello. I just.

Speaker 33 Hello.

Speaker 43 You know what? What day? What day, Panda?

Speaker 33 When do we get to this?

Speaker 42 This is not an anti-tony baby podcast.

Speaker 43 I think I get the Talloon. I got it to get a bitch of drink.
Hey, let's bang some. Let's bang some of those workers at Dr.
Taloon.

Speaker 33 The fuck?

Speaker 33 I'm four days old now.

Speaker 42 You're going to take so much. You're going to take so much heat for this episode.
I'm right there.

Speaker 33 First off, I should be working with Cole.

Speaker 42 I'm starting the subreddit thread.

Speaker 33 Go, go.

Speaker 33 Yeah. Go.
Me. Go.

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Speaker 42 Barbara Fisher, the witch of the Allegheny Mountains.

Speaker 42 The bringing of a lawsuit in a justice's court in one of the back regions of this country by a young man against his mother to recover damages for the loss of a dog, which he claims she bewitched so that it ran in a circle until it died with exhaustion.

Speaker 33 Dog got sick, witch did it?

Speaker 42 Well, the dog ran in circles until it died.

Speaker 33 Right.

Speaker 42 I mean, which is unusual. Yeah.

Speaker 33 To burn a witch?

Speaker 33 I've heard of that, but to sue a witch?

Speaker 33 It's America. Yeah.

Speaker 33 You throw a witch in water, and if she starts swimming, you sue her. You never heard about the third option.

Speaker 33 Suing a witch.

Speaker 33 It is brought in notice that.

Speaker 33 Oh my god, a witch's court.

Speaker 42 We're gonna bring that's gonna happen soon. There's gonna be a witch's, yep, there's gonna be a witch's court.

Speaker 33 So it seemed like the judge didn't really want to hear what you were saying, even though you had receipts. Well, he'll see one day.

Speaker 43 We'll show him

Speaker 33 tools are going to turn green.

Speaker 42 So,

Speaker 33 where am I? Okay.

Speaker 42 Sorry,

Speaker 42 it brought in notice that the fact that there is an almost general belief of witchcraft, charms, and magic spells among the farming population in those isolated localities.

Speaker 33 So, blaming poor crops on witchcraft.

Speaker 42 And dying dogs and whatnot.

Speaker 33 Right, yeah

Speaker 33 uh

Speaker 42 and that there are many old women who are regularly consulted by young and old and in whose arts and supernatural powers they put the greatest faith I mean any old woman was a witch yeah what's the difference between going to a church and

Speaker 33 right and if the crops ain't growing it's not the water that's not falling from the sky it's the witch we we've alluded to this before every time how long until this country, because of crop failure, starts doing a version of this?

Speaker 33 Oh, not long.

Speaker 33 Over under, let's say 12 years. 12 years, over under.
Yeah, evil. Just evil's responsible for it.
I'd say under

Speaker 33 12 years into

Speaker 33 blaming drought on witches or fairies.

Speaker 42 Because Ryan's right. It'll be evil at first, and then you have to find a source for the evil.

Speaker 33 Always.

Speaker 33 That's the best.

Speaker 42 At the trial

Speaker 42 or lawsuit, mentioned several of these witch women testified in the case, and the curious and absurd beliefs they profess were given in great detail.

Speaker 42 The principal one, and the one most sought for advice and counsel,

Speaker 42 is Barbara Fisher, who lives in the drunkard settlement five miles from Reinholdsville. I think a drunkard settlement are prohibitionists.

Speaker 33 Oh, I'm

Speaker 33 sorry completely.

Speaker 33 That went from where I wanted to go to where I'd never be.

Speaker 42 Right. Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that's what it is, but I could be wrong.
But I, um,

Speaker 42 uh, she lives in a small cabin in the mountains. She's 80 years old.
She's bent and gray. Well, you don't want to be gray.

Speaker 33 Oh, that's the textbook witch. Bent, gray.

Speaker 33 Cabin, woods.

Speaker 33 The cops for filing the report.

Speaker 33 I mean,

Speaker 33 pretty obvious what's going on here. She's bent, she's gray.

Speaker 33 She's got a broom in her house. We We don't know.
Lives alone. Woods.
Lives alone, woods. Cabin.
Cabin. Check, check.
Come on here.

Speaker 42 What are we doing here?

Speaker 42 But she is still active and well-preserved.

Speaker 33 Ma'am, where are your potions, please? You got any potions in here? Not really, but it is.

Speaker 33 You could look under the bed. There might be something.
But I did. Johnson, check it out.
She's got a broom. Yeah, she's got a broom.
I sweep. Is this your cap, ma'am?

Speaker 33 Yes. Put your hands behind her.

Speaker 33 What? You are under arrest for the presumption of witchcraft.

Speaker 42 She is still active and well-preserved. She's well-preserved like a five-and-a-half-inch baby.

Speaker 33 Hello.

Speaker 42 She is shrewd. She's a shrewd, cunning old woman and lives alone.
She's so independent that she will take...

Speaker 42 He's really...

Speaker 33 Ryan's really

Speaker 33 close on. Shrewd cunning.
I'm seeing the evolution of a slur in the very beginning.

Speaker 33 Shrewd cunning. How can I shorten that down? How do I get that and just like land it on a hard T? How do I do that?

Speaker 33 We're seeing the beginnings of it.

Speaker 33 Cunning is so cumbersome.

Speaker 33 Shrewd cunning.

Speaker 42 She's so independent that she will take the case of no one who is a neighbor to her or who thinks she lives in any large town unless the applicant only wants her to treat for a common ailment requiring no wonder working.

Speaker 42 So, okay.

Speaker 33 An old woman who wants to be left alone unless you have a health question is a witch.

Speaker 42 And then doesn't want like

Speaker 42 people from other towns, like cities coming. Yeah,

Speaker 42 she's like, leave me alone.

Speaker 33 Doesn't want annoying people to come up to her. Witch.

Speaker 33 I will say the next time I get my oil changed and they try to upsell me, I'm going to be like, no wonder working. Yeah,

Speaker 33 no wonder working. Leave that out.

Speaker 33 Just the oil change. Yeah.

Speaker 42 A sufferer from hurts, fits, burns, and similar ailments, she will treat it once. And men, women, and children come from far and near to seek her aid.

Speaker 33 Hey, you that lady that fixes fits and burns?

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Chief witch.

Speaker 42 If a child is deformed, demented, or afflicted in any way, it is taken.

Speaker 33 My daughter is three inches tall and only grows sideways. You got any.

Speaker 33 normal, she's normal. Oh, thank you.

Speaker 42 Uh, it is taken to Dame Fisher. If a farmer has a horse stolen, the first thing he does is to consult the old woman and implore her.

Speaker 33 Can I borrow a moment of your time? My shirt is so long in the front, and the back is

Speaker 33 like I just am covered in bugs. Yeah, you did this.

Speaker 33 I turn it around.

Speaker 33 Oh my god, a witch.

Speaker 42 and implore her to aid him in recovering the lost animal and detecting the thief. If there's trouble with cattle, if crops look bad, her aid is the first thing sought.

Speaker 33 So she stands really like a very good witch.

Speaker 42 Yeah. Yeah, she's just helping people.

Speaker 33 And one dog spun a few times and died, and now we're getting out of here.

Speaker 33 Well,

Speaker 33 I think that's what happens when a dog has like brain issues. So

Speaker 33 Brain worms. Yeah, the dog had like a brain issue.

Speaker 42 I've never heard of that. Is that actually a thing where they run around?

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah. You'll dogs.

Speaker 33 Not all dogs are good.

Speaker 33 No, not all good dogs.

Speaker 33 Not all the goodest dogs. Sometimes you get a couple, you know.
Hell, yeah.

Speaker 33 You get a couple weird wood dogs.

Speaker 33 Yeah. What? There's some parasite dogs.
Yeah, but there's still, I mean, what are you going to do? You don't, you know.

Speaker 33 What are you going to do? There's bad dogs.

Speaker 42 There's bad dogs.

Speaker 33 Take it to the witch house. Wow.
Reddit is

Speaker 33 fire with your shit right now, babe.

Speaker 33 You are so reddit fucked right now. What are you doing? This is recorded.

Speaker 33 This is recorded.

Speaker 42 I love when people are like, there are no bad dogs. And then it's the way people raise them.
Right. So they were raised, they were raised to be bad.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Like criminals.

Speaker 33 It's a classic nature versus nurture,

Speaker 33 which I love.

Speaker 42 Yeah, but you can raise a dog to be a bad dog.

Speaker 33 Get him, Reddit.

Speaker 42 She stands at ready at any time to extend her aid. And if she fails, it is attributed unanimously to a lack of faith.

Speaker 33 in her

Speaker 42 on the part of the person she's working with. So it's just like church.

Speaker 42 In her healing operations, she has no medicines but depends upon her charms. Her powwows consist of breathing on the afflicted part, waving the hand over it, and accompanied by a few muttered words.

Speaker 33 I know where I know what Ryan would say hurt. Yeah,

Speaker 33 my butthole hurts.

Speaker 33 Say it,

Speaker 42 say, say it, my butthole hurts. Say it, go in and say it like you mean it.

Speaker 33 Yeah, say it like

Speaker 33 whisper, get closer,

Speaker 33 yelling it like a mine. There's an echo.

Speaker 42 She's only one of many witch women who are consulted by their creditors.

Speaker 33 It feels like they were just like the preferred term is witch women.

Speaker 42 Most of these women live alone. Each has a mysterious book, sorry, mystery book, which is an ancient volume

Speaker 42 printed in the German language.

Speaker 33 Say witch German.

Speaker 42 Witches consulted when charms are to be worked. Old Mother Rossk,

Speaker 42 who lives in Reinholdsville, had the entire

Speaker 33 nursery rhyme start.

Speaker 42 It's terrible.

Speaker 33 It's terrible. That guy was like, I should probably rethink this opening.
That is fucking chaotic.

Speaker 42 Had the entire farming neighborhood working every night for weeks in search of gold.

Speaker 33 That's not a witch.

Speaker 33 That's a slave owner. That's like someone who's, that's just, that's someone who's just putting people to fucking work.

Speaker 33 She's a witch.

Speaker 42 And when they failed to find it, she gave as a reason that some of them had a cow with blood in its horn.

Speaker 42 And until that could be found and killed and the blood drawn from the horn and spilled on the ground in the moon's third quarter, it would be useless to look further for the treasure.

Speaker 33 I know

Speaker 33 she was right. I know we couldn't find any.
Let me ask a crazy question.

Speaker 33 Does anyone have a cow with blood in its horn? Because if so, we're going to have to wait. Oh, Christ.

Speaker 42 You have to do it. I've been taking it all weekend.
Betcha, I've been keeping the blood.

Speaker 33 Ugh, that's just

Speaker 33 strange and odd. How was I supposed to know? That would be what you should have said.

Speaker 33 All right. Well, we just have to wait three quarters or something now.
Whatever it is.

Speaker 42 Nobody told me that's going to stop the gold.

Speaker 33 Christ, Ted.

Speaker 33 I got to tell you, the blood horn thing sounds like a stall stall tactic until you find gold. I think that's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 33 I think that's something you just keep adding on to.

Speaker 33 Oh, you found the blood horn?

Speaker 33 Well, was it a brown cow?

Speaker 33 See?

Speaker 33 Spots? Does it have

Speaker 33 two spots?

Speaker 33 Got to need five of those.

Speaker 33 Keep singing, boys.

Speaker 42 So this goes on and on, so I'm going to cut to the end because it's just giving examples of what witches do. But

Speaker 42 in the potency of the witch hazel the wonder workers chiefly rely it is burned to ashes in the blossoms used

Speaker 42 young women carry its leaves in their bosoms as a love charm and sleep with them under their pillows to make their dream to make them dream of their lovers But of the persons who testified in the lawsuit, only one said he had never had a relative bewitched.

Speaker 42 The witness who testified in

Speaker 33 a fucking criminal lawsuit against witches is such a great time. It's great.
Law we figured out, but superstition remains. We are suing witches.

Speaker 42 The witness who testified in behalf of the person who claimed his dog had been bewitched declared that since he had sided with him, his well had gone dry, his cow gave bloody milk, and his three weeks baby had refused to be suckled, and he expected it to die at any time.

Speaker 42 The Justice of the Peace.

Speaker 33 He's on a bad run.

Speaker 42 Yeah. I mean, also, he's in the water.

Speaker 33 Yeah. No water.

Speaker 42 I mean, I'll just go back to the water.

Speaker 33 Yeah, well, the baby won't suckle. Here, I'll get some milk from the cow.
Don't

Speaker 42 the justice of the peace endeavored to ridicule the idea of witchcraft to the people present, but they insisted in their belief, and he gave the owner of the dog a judgment of $3 for the loss of his dog, the woman admitting that she had dosed it to death.

Speaker 33 Oh, shit. Well, okay.
I guess that's an open and shutter right there. Who'd have thought? You'd think there'd be a little cross-examination.
Why the twist at the end there?

Speaker 33 All right, I poisoned it. All right, give him $3.
We can all go home. I mean, pretty expensive dog for back in the day.
$3?

Speaker 33 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 42 That is an expensive dog.

Speaker 33 That's a real expensive. I think that's like, I thought that was what a horse cost.
Yeah. Well, listen to you with your fucking riot.
$3, man.

Speaker 33 Back then, you could get a horse. You can't change for a dog.
Yeah.

Speaker 33 You get a horse for that cash and a barn door. You could probably get a house for that.
For a leftover for a house, yeah. It might have been a great dog.

Speaker 33 That makes a lot more sense.

Speaker 42 Let me look it up. $3.18.85.

Speaker 33 I'll say it was. Yes.

Speaker 33 I'll say it was $100.

Speaker 33 No, I'll say it was $50.

Speaker 33 No, No, it's going to be like $4,000.

Speaker 33 It is

Speaker 33 to

Speaker 33 calculate.

Speaker 42 Oh, no, it's $99.

Speaker 33 I'm going to leave the show.

Speaker 33 $4,000?

Speaker 33 There were only 4,000 ones printed that year.

Speaker 33 That's it.

Speaker 33 First of all, Ryan, I'm the human calculator of the show, so we will edit this part out. We cannot have you snoring my good name.

Speaker 33 No, we're not going to do that. Yeah, we will.
Cut this out. No.
No. Cut it out.

Speaker 42 You came in green today.

Speaker 42 Secretary Endicott seems to be the right man in the right place.

Speaker 42 He has just decreed that all the military dudes who have been sitting around in the eastern cities in soft places shall go to the front and do a little active service.

Speaker 33 Fuck yeah. You're a man for a war.
Back up.

Speaker 33 Round up people who aren't white.

Speaker 33 Stop. Wait, wait.
Yeah. Yeah.
What? I'm saying this. We're saying the same thing.
These guys are hanging around. We should put them to use.

Speaker 33 Separate people. Oh, we're talking about now.
That was. This was all cool back then, not now.
Yeah, this is a different time.

Speaker 33 Yeah, this was when the white people should have been rounded up by a group

Speaker 33 for illegal immigration.

Speaker 42 Oh, we were involved in

Speaker 42 Panama,

Speaker 33 Haiti.

Speaker 42 Yeah, and

Speaker 42 the Sino-French War, which included battles in Vietnam. We had a little bit of stuff going on there.

Speaker 42 Oh, and the Apache, the Apache conflict.

Speaker 33 So, yeah, we were doing our stuff.

Speaker 42 I bet that's about

Speaker 42 the Apaches, I would imagine. Because they said Eastern cities, you know?

Speaker 33 Yeah, I was, Ryan, you thinking Apaches? I'm thinking Apaches. Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 33 No Navajo, but definitely Apaches.

Speaker 33 Thus

Speaker 33 Apache conflict. Bingo.
Agreed, Dave.

Speaker 42 We come back with affirmative.

Speaker 42 Here's just a little blurb. The Institute is booming, and so is the girls blooming.

Speaker 33 Such a

Speaker 33 great talent.

Speaker 33 Honey, you mind if I put something really really creepy in the paper?

Speaker 33 George, you are very

Speaker 33 down at the bottom.

Speaker 33 Your sweat's brown. I'm just going to put something about the girls.
Selling well water, huh?

Speaker 42 Well, there's some little teenies outside, little teeny girls.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 42 Teenagers, young women running around out front of the newspaper. I'm going to put a little blurb in here about it.

Speaker 33 They're blooming.

Speaker 33 Okay. They're blooming.

Speaker 33 You're gassed.

Speaker 33 Why are you.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 33 It's like running. Okay.

Speaker 42 Watching them is like...

Speaker 42 Okay. It's like running through a field.

Speaker 33 Lay down. Lay down.
Don't write anything for a little while. Sleep this night.

Speaker 33 There you go.

Speaker 33 Damn. There you go.
All right.

Speaker 33 Damn.

Speaker 33 God damn.

Speaker 33 All right. I'm going to blow the lights out here.

Speaker 33 I'm still like,

Speaker 33 is this what he's seeing or is this early weather reporting? Like, it's hot enough that the women are hot to me.

Speaker 33 I don't know.

Speaker 33 It seems weird to call him hot.

Speaker 42 I think he's the Institute is booming.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 42 So that's like something is taken off, right? Yeah. And so is the girls blooming.
So he's got to say that the girls are becoming women, right?

Speaker 33 I think that's what it is.

Speaker 42 I don't think there can be any other interpretation unless they're actually.

Speaker 42 unless it's like a Last of Us thing and there are some

Speaker 42 fungi hitting and the girls are actually

Speaker 42 becoming flowery because the fungus is

Speaker 42 manifesting within them and turning them into a plant kind of thing.

Speaker 33 I've watched The Last of Us and I'm lost, Ryan? Thoughts? Yeah. Well, that's a terrible thing.
I thought this guy was charged up because it was sundress season. That's what I was getting out of it.

Speaker 33 Yeah. That's how I feel.
I don't think the fungus stuff is.

Speaker 42 I think the fungus in The Last of Us is in the writer's room. Yeah, might as well.
Dr. A.D.
Gillam is gone.

Speaker 33 Fuck. Too soon.

Speaker 42 We only mention this fact for the fear that there may be some who did not know that he was here.

Speaker 42 That's a little

Speaker 33 rough.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 33 So for those of you just finding out, what a roller coaster.

Speaker 33 It is. Here's the guy, and he's gone.
Yeah, you could have been going to a doctor this whole time, but you chose a witch. Instead, you've been digging gold at the witch's house.

Speaker 42 I didn't know it was Macau.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Doctor right down the street.

Speaker 42 It is a small loss that he's gone, and a small loss to those who did not know he was here. He came here several months ago and started a pro-bituary?

Speaker 42 He started a prohibition drugstore. It's not an obituary.
Okay.

Speaker 42 Sounded like he started a prohibition drugstore

Speaker 42 with a view of catching the prohibition trade and medical practice. So he's trying to start an alcohol-free

Speaker 42 drugstore.

Speaker 33 I assume that's a drugstore.

Speaker 42 People must have gone in to get a drink, or maybe we're also talking about,

Speaker 42 did prohibition include like heroin and

Speaker 33 hilarious

Speaker 33 if they were like, booze is doing it. Now, here you are, John.
Shoot up.

Speaker 42 I bet it included opium and cocaine.

Speaker 33 I wonder. I think that would maybe be seen as medical.

Speaker 42 So he got neither. The prohibitionists traded to the other drugstores and failed to employ him in sickness.

Speaker 42 And so the doctor shook the dust of Tarchio from his feet, taking all of his fanaticism with him.

Speaker 42 The prohibition cause will be... gainer by his absence.

Speaker 42 The the doctor made the assertion in summer that if he had a drop of Missouri blood in his veins he would cut it out

Speaker 42 he's not happy that means this place sucks

Speaker 33 sounds kind of I've said but I've said that about Missouri we I we've driven through there and you've tried to cut out whatever part of you came into contact with it

Speaker 33 they're a little uh

Speaker 42 is that it that is an obituary it's a real no no we suppose that after he gets across the line, he will take a course of Turkish baths or go to some other cleansing process in order to purify himself.

Speaker 42 Goodbye, doctor. Your short residence in Missouri may have taught you a valuable lesson after all.

Speaker 42 So he rolled in with like a, he's like, these people will enjoy my

Speaker 42 prohibition business. And people are like, nah, we're good.
And then he left. And these, the newspaper is upset about it.

Speaker 33 Super weird article.

Speaker 33 Super weird. Sometimes.
Not necessary. Yeah, like fill it.

Speaker 33 Yeah, kind of like

Speaker 33 I guess goodbye to the dick doctor who is here. He's out.
He's out. Yeah.
And I guess he's taking his lame store that sucks with him.

Speaker 42 Yeah, his shit store. So this guy had a personal problem with him.

Speaker 33 Yeah, it sounds personal.

Speaker 42 It does. Yeah, this is very personal.

Speaker 33 A lot of power-hungry editor at this rag. That's right.

Speaker 33 uh

Speaker 42 peoria enterprise

Speaker 42 talking about but bed bugs said a fat drummer from new york jesus

Speaker 33 are you guys what are you guys talking about infestation

Speaker 42 talking about bed bugs tell you i've had my share of experience with them You've heard of bed bugs coming down to the hotel register and looking to see what rooms guests were assigned to, haven't you?

Speaker 42 Well, I was the man who discovered that. Okay, so he stayed in a hotel that had bed bugs.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 33 How great is it that bed bugs have like hung around for that? They're timeless. Like that we're still like, these fucking assholes.

Speaker 33 They're a real problem today in many major cities. They are

Speaker 33 a huge comeback. Absolutely.
Yes.

Speaker 33 And they are.

Speaker 42 In New York, they like get into stores. Yeah.
like department stores and stuff. And yeah.

Speaker 33 That's just heaven for bed bugs. Bed bugs going into like a New York store, like, boys, we eaten.

Speaker 42 Well, I was the man who discovered that. Then you've heard of

Speaker 42 the bugs that got into a bed, the legs of which were set in pans of water, I suppose. They climbed up to the ceiling and dropped down on their victims.

Speaker 33 So there's a theory that you put the legs of the bed in like water cups and that prevent, like they're una, it's like you mote the legs of your bed and these ones are mission impossibling

Speaker 33 in. That's correct.
They deserve it. They're ought.
They do. Give it up.
Let them suck the blood.

Speaker 33 Let them go.

Speaker 42 Yeah, let them feast on your back.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah, that was how they thought to stop bed bugs was to put something on the.

Speaker 33 I don't hate it. The puzzle.

Speaker 33 I wouldn't say no to it as I don't know how to stop bed bugs outside of not being gross um you ever had them ryan uh no but i've seen them in many high quality hotel rooms i've stayed in my oh yeah like literally like

Speaker 33 oh yeah

Speaker 33 of course hotel beds are literally the most disgusting things on the face of the planet

Speaker 33 under the sheets literally on yeah yeah you lift the sheeps up yeah sheeps or the sheets the sheeps and the sheets what do you what do you do if you find them uh You report what's going on, and you probably don't end up sleeping on that bed that night.

Speaker 33 That whole hotel talk. I had ants in my room once, and I calmed down, and I was like,

Speaker 33 It was like real bad. And the guy comes up, he's like, So we're going to raid the room.
You might want to stay out for like 45 minutes.

Speaker 33 I'm going to put my foot down here and say, I'm going to need to be relocated in this establishment. Yeah.
Raid the room. No.

Speaker 42 So I stayed in actually where this story is from, Peoria.

Speaker 42 I was doing a comedy club there and I was in a hotel room and I woke up at night and I turned on the light and the floor was covered in weird bugs. And I was just like,

Speaker 33 what

Speaker 33 in the fuck?

Speaker 42 I mean, I have no idea what they were, but they were just all over. And I was just like, oh, these things come at night.
Like, this is a, this is just a thing that happens. They're not here tonight.

Speaker 42 These bugs come at night. So I grabbed all my shit and went out.

Speaker 33 But like,

Speaker 42 we're just not. The lady was just like, yeah, we'll put you in another room.

Speaker 33 I was like, so you knew, you knew.

Speaker 33 That was the same room as you know.

Speaker 33 The ants thing was how much they were like, oh, yeah, we got a whole protocol for ants.

Speaker 33 Some fucking dude just comes here and sprays raid.

Speaker 33 Fix it.

Speaker 33 The thing about the hotel model is that you really, like any complaint, you're like, you can't. Yeah, you're going to be gone in two days.
Yeah. It takes three days to solve it.

Speaker 33 And you're like, you're not going to do shit.

Speaker 42 You really can't think very much about what happens in a hotel.

Speaker 33 No.

Speaker 42 No. You just got to go in there and sleep.

Speaker 33 That's just plow through it.

Speaker 33 Yeah. Do some bad.
Howie Mandel was right. He wasn't right about a lot, but hotel living, he seemed to be right.
He just

Speaker 33 would make roads of towels everywhere he went.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 42 I mean, I get it.

Speaker 33 I do too.

Speaker 42 I knew someone who used to

Speaker 33 bring

Speaker 42 flip-flops to take showers and walk around the bathroom in.

Speaker 42 That's not a bad idea. I don't hate it.

Speaker 33 I know somebody who brings the Ziploc bag to put the remote in just to use the remote because I said that's the dirtiest thing in the whole. That is the dirtiest thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 33 See, I used to hand sanitize the remote and I've stopped. I should go back to that.
That's what we're saying here.

Speaker 33 Right? Great. We're just giving you more neuroses to go forward with.
I think this is what I need. More protocols.

Speaker 33 i try to come on the ceiling all right everybody that's the pastimes

Speaker 42 well i am the very man this is he's talking about them dropping down from the ceiling well i am the very man they lit on but that's nothing compared to an experience i had a few weeks ago down at peoria

Speaker 42 Never saw such enterprising bugs as there are in that town.

Speaker 33 Me too.

Speaker 33 Wow, look at Dave. Is your bread? I'm with this guy?

Speaker 42 Wow. Going down to the hotel register

Speaker 42 is an old game with them, and they about played out. Yes, this is my experience.

Speaker 33 Oh, do you know, Dave? You're alarmed, take your pills. Do you know how crazy it is that I've never thought about how back then you always had to go to the front?

Speaker 33 Like, you'd be on like the third floor and be like,

Speaker 33 oh, here we go.

Speaker 33 If it wasn't fixed, you'd be like,

Speaker 42 you see, there are so many infernal

Speaker 42 many bugs in the hotels there that competition is pretty strong. And the bug that depends on the register for a living is going to get left.

Speaker 42 All the wide-awake, business-like, prosperous bugs in Peoria accompany guests to the depot and there run up and down the platform watching which hotel bus gets the most in the incoming passengers and the fast ones.

Speaker 42 So they're saying

Speaker 42 are they saying the bugs leave Peoria with

Speaker 42 the guests?

Speaker 33 I thought I guess maybe they are. It definitely sounds like the bugs are staking out doing their homework.

Speaker 42 That is the bus they get into. Yeah.

Speaker 33 I feel like they mentioned up top that they the bugs actually kind of checked into their own room at the hotel. Yeah.
Like as guests. And probably they had a credit card.
I love that too. Yeah.

Speaker 33 Also fun.

Speaker 42 I know this to be a fact because I am one of the fattest men on the road, but he's talking about fat with bugs, I think.

Speaker 33 I have a wealth of bugs.

Speaker 33 I'm a train wreck man.

Speaker 33 I'm 8,000 bed bugs in a man outfit.

Speaker 33 You think you have bugs? I have a gross of bugs. Sitting next to him on a bus.
Excuse me, ma'am. Oh, my God.

Speaker 33 Will you ring the bell so the bus stop?

Speaker 33 I gotta get to Peoria.

Speaker 33 Bugs coming out of his mouth.

Speaker 42 Albert the elephant, the elephant Albert of the Barnum show, who was shot a few days ago because he had killed his keeper.

Speaker 33 Christ.

Speaker 42 He's a murderer, Gareth.

Speaker 33 I do love that, how it's like if an animal in enclosure attacks...

Speaker 33 a human we're like well this thing's crazy this animal's out of control but then they didn't didn't isn't that what they didn't do with the orcas?

Speaker 42 They would just ship them around. I think they're still doing it.
I think they're still shipping killer orcas like around to other places and then they kill other people. I think that's right.

Speaker 33 Well, I remember that. Yeah.
They definitely ship them around, but I don't, I mean, their life, it's

Speaker 33 and I think, I do think about the effect all the time that Blackfish came out. We were all like, what the fuck? And now SeaWorld's back on air.
Like, come on, dad. It's like,

Speaker 33 we got a roller coaster now. Yeah, we're expanding.
And you're just like, Jesus Christ. Well, the one thing will ever stop.

Speaker 42 The one in Vallejo had to close down. Now it's

Speaker 33 a theme park.

Speaker 33 We had a SeaWorld in Cleveland. Did you know that?

Speaker 33 That's the set. I mean, I've not seen the West.
I used to work there. Oh, what did you do there? I was in guest relations.

Speaker 33 I did not clean the bone. I was in guest relations.

Speaker 42 Is this where the asshole stuff is?

Speaker 33 There was a year where one of the ski boats lost control and

Speaker 33 flew into the audience and basically up somebody's nose.

Speaker 33 What? That's a true story. What did you do?

Speaker 33 You know who else was there? Jason Dallas was there. He worked alongside with me.
How did he do? And,

Speaker 33 well, I wasn't. Luckily, I was off that day.

Speaker 33 My buddy Jason.

Speaker 33 It was a nightmare. It was a massacre.
It was national news at the time, which was big

Speaker 33 since there was no internet at the time. There was barely internet at the time.

Speaker 33 This was a national news story. Ski boat goes into stands.

Speaker 42 Is that what stopped the sea world in cleveland uh no i don't know what it stopped but i remember going it's very odd that we have watched sea world in cleveland there's a video yeah there's video if anybody wants to uh google it sea world boat accident of 1996 on youtube and they they go through the whole thing

Speaker 47 sea world aurora oio families gather for a day of water shows dolphin tricks and killer whales and for 4 000 visitors the day wouldn't be complete without a boat show.

Speaker 47 But as this 18-foot speed boat approaches the crowd, the jet drive housing units shatters.

Speaker 33 Suddenly, the driver can't steer, and he can't stop.

Speaker 47 The crowd has no chance to react.

Speaker 33 And you're there.

Speaker 33 Well, he had the day off. What a day to miss.

Speaker 33 Thank God I missed that day.

Speaker 33 That was a day that

Speaker 33 an hourly employee shouldn't have to sit there and answer to the wave of people who were traumatized by watching a blog post somebody's nose.

Speaker 42 Wow. Wow.
It's pretty long.

Speaker 33 Oh, wow. It is a huge thing.

Speaker 42 I'm going to have to watch it later, but

Speaker 42 it's a good six-minute video. And

Speaker 33 wow, I never heard of that.

Speaker 33 Oh, my God. Yeah, man.
It's fun, man. It's pretty brutal.

Speaker 42 That's why you go to SeaWorld.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 33 And the ribs, because I worked at a rib restaurant there, too. You get the ribs.
Sorry, I'm going to have to find some. I'm going to throw up in a drawer

Speaker 33 looking at a rib restaurant and see what the smokehouse right behind the killer whale stadium man those those animals those are big fish huh i think they're

Speaker 33 you all get ribs yep

Speaker 42 uh okay the elephant albert of the barnum show who was shot a few days ago because he had killed his keeper was given to the smithsonian institute by mr barnum and two of the Institute staff were sent to dissect him.

Speaker 42 The head and trunk were first removed, and then the hide was taken off in two pieces, being split in the back and belly, just like a shirt.

Speaker 42 The hide was in many places an inch and a quarter thick, and the work required nearly three hours. The skeleton was then

Speaker 33 now.

Speaker 42 The skeleton was then dissected and every bone saved intact. The firing party that executed Albert consisted of 29 men, 12 of whom fired at the heart and 17 at the head.

Speaker 42 During the autopsy, six bullets were found in the heart and they had all been flattened. In the evening, those Epicurean tastes dined on the elephant steak.

Speaker 33 Oh my God!

Speaker 33 Jesus Christ!

Speaker 33 Oh,

Speaker 33 that is savage! It is bad. It is bad.
We are bad. And I respect him for not wasting meat at the same time.
I don't know.

Speaker 33 Stop it. We are bad.
The guy who's just during, I mean, imagine during an autopsy being like, am I crazy to think we should grill this thing up later?

Speaker 42 No, hold on. It gets worse.

Speaker 42 And it is reported that many

Speaker 33 who

Speaker 42 many of the diners did not know what they were eating

Speaker 42 pronounced the steak unusually fine in flavor, but a bit tough.

Speaker 33 So they didn't tell them what they were feeding them.

Speaker 33 This T-bone's misshapen uh these ribs are kind of big these are big i mean it's like eating like the flintstones

Speaker 33 this calamari's very chewy aman

Speaker 33 yeah

Speaker 33 jesus christ

Speaker 33 what's for dessert elephant ears uh this you gotta tell

Speaker 42 although look If I'm eating meat and I don't know what it is, I'm not eating it. You know what I mean? Like, if they're like, yeah, no, go eat the mystery meat.

Speaker 33 But they're not calling it the mystery meat. That's the whole thing with when you go to like a restaurant and you're like,

Speaker 33 when I read this article that calamari was pig anus, and there was a whole operation of like that being kind of unearthed.

Speaker 42 Is that true?

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 42 Calamari is pig anus?

Speaker 33 In some places, they were buying pig anus and just deep-frying it like calamari. It can't be

Speaker 42 a pig anus would be a, it's like a, it's like a muscle, it's a sphincter. An anus isn't a little chewy guy.
Well, you know, Ryan.

Speaker 33 Ryan.

Speaker 33 Ryan, Ryan.

Speaker 33 I don't know, but

Speaker 33 there's people you do know. I know a few people who do know.

Speaker 33 And I got to tell you, their reviews across the board.

Speaker 33 Has anyone ever come up and said? Calamari.

Speaker 33 And if I could only have cocktail sauce with this, was there.

Speaker 33 I got my drawers full of fused, but I need to

Speaker 33 order a new drawer to throw up.

Speaker 33 Nobody feels good.

Speaker 33 Oh my god.

Speaker 33 Fuck.

Speaker 33 Imagine that text.

Speaker 33 Can I get a quote?

Speaker 33 Dala Mare.

Speaker 42 One more.

Speaker 33 Sure, yeah. Let's capitalize.

Speaker 42 A married woman from Mound City was up here not long ago.

Speaker 33 I'm going to take her to Mound City.

Speaker 42 Passing herself off for a single girl.

Speaker 33 Good for her.

Speaker 42 Her husband wrote to certain parties there inquiring about her and asked them to try and influence her or induce her to return to his bed and board, but they never let her know that they were onto the racket.

Speaker 42 So

Speaker 42 she goes to another town to try to have a good time with some fellas. And then her husband finds out and he writes to guys there and he's like, hey, can you?

Speaker 42 And so all these guys she's trying to hit on have a good time with are like, you know what? You should go back. You should go back to Mound City.

Speaker 33 So your husband wrote me a letter. You should go home.

Speaker 42 no they were all like oh this lady's here to have a good time yeah

Speaker 33 there's no way i'd be like cody go to your husband

Speaker 42 about two weeks ago she left on a southbound train and it is to be hoped that she returned to the arms of her despairing hubby yep no way

Speaker 33 at all

Speaker 33 uh

Speaker 42 the first hot wife

Speaker 33 agreed I mean,

Speaker 33 how long does it take you to figure out that she's cheating on you? Like, is it the first time she's gone for days on end and then comes back by train?

Speaker 42 I mean, that's kind of

Speaker 33 suspicious in a time before almost travel. And women not probably leaving without granted permission regularly.
Yeah.

Speaker 33 Boy, you sure are going to Mountain City a lot.

Speaker 33 And you return with no goods.

Speaker 33 Well, Salty Dalty, Ryan Dalton, the king of Cleveland, thank you for joining us. Expect the hundred dollars.
And

Speaker 33 exciting. Exciting.

Speaker 33 People should go.

Speaker 33 Where can people, you want to drop a website one more time just so people know where to go?

Speaker 33 World of Montezuma.com is

Speaker 33 our brand there. And

Speaker 33 you can see the Formula Funcast there. And we stream live every race day on all the platforms,

Speaker 33 all the places you can stream, your YouTubes, your X's, your Kick, your

Speaker 33 Kik,

Speaker 33 TikTok.

Speaker 33 We stream the live race days and then post the stuff to YouTube and then all the socials and stuff like that.

Speaker 33 And Gareth said he's definitely going to do it. And that's exciting.

Speaker 33 David's on the fence. I can see that.
I can see that by his pensive look.

Speaker 33 But I don't blame him. But Gareth said he's definitely going to do it.
I'm in. And

Speaker 33 don't contact me.

Speaker 33 And

Speaker 33 oh, I'm contacting you.

Speaker 33 Well, Ryan, we live in hell, but it was nice to escape for an hour with you. Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 33 It added levity to the hour, and that will go back to dyster. What's on the rest of the day for you today, Ryan? What do you got coming up? Oh, real cool stuff.

Speaker 33 Looking at other people's social media to see what they're doing and posting and all sorts of F1. It's called research.
It's called researching your competitors. What are you doing?

Speaker 33 Pants or shorts on right now. What are we doing? I'm wearing shorts right now.
Boxers or no?

Speaker 33 I don't wear boxers. I wear boxer briefs.

Speaker 33 Yeah. You got them on? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 33 All right, Ryan. We'll see you later.

Speaker 33 Thank you, Ryan. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Some of these days,

Speaker 2 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 2 Some of these days.

Speaker 48 Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop.
You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

Speaker 48 By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

Speaker 48 So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

Speaker 48 It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it and the more you share it the more you give it to people the more you follow lakeside all that stuff the better chance we have of making a lot more of them we're already making a second one so go there and watch the rube

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