131 - The Past Times with Ryan Dalton

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week.

Put the money down, Dave, the great Ryan Dalton.

Let's get back to the money.

No,

no, right?

This is what you could win.

This is what you could win today.

All right.

That's going to be very interesting for the opening because there is a contest and Dave oftentimes makes it so the guest always wins.

So it'll be very interesting to see if Dave decides to buck his stupid convention

or just send you $100, Ryan.

It's price right now.

Either way, Venmo is at the Ryan Dalton.

No, no, no.

You'll get that one.

What?

What?

Nobody, don't come on the show and promote your Venmo.

How long?

You also get melatonin.

How long until comedians are on stage plugging their Venmos?

That has to happen.

Oh, I think I've seen it before at the end of the show.

It's donations.

I've seen that.

But like during the set, it would be good to have a Venmo joke where you just promote your Venmo.

It's like the part where the comedian does merch.

They just ask

Venmo is this.

That occurs too.

Well, Salty Dalty, it's nice to have you here.

What are we doing?

Is that his nickname?

Or are you just...

Yeah.

I've never heard that?

They call him Walking Dalty or Salty Dalty.

That's something we do on this podcast here, Dave, that maybe

you're not in on.

It's a long-running joke where

you don't talk about it.

Go ahead.

Gareth found out that I like a certain sexual thing done and that I should be shamed for it.

No, don't do that.

I'm not putting salt on your dick.

No.

No, no.

That's more of a punishment.

Say it.

I guess

the clinical term is analingus.

Clinical term.

I found this out before we were all open to everything, you know?

Yeah.

And boy, I'll tell you, we had some fun.

Yeah, and he still does to this day.

Like, I haven't seen him.

My kink.

Right now.

My kink is enjoying that you like analingus, so don't shame what I love.

That turns me out.

See, gotcha.

Either way, yeah.

And

I like to lick his asshole.

All right.

The dog will be ready.

But, Ryan, talk to me about the Formula Funcast.

That is your

new...

What is it?

It's an animated Formula One racing experience.

Would that be?

That's right.

That's right.

That's basically it.

I play a character by the name of Jason Waterfalls, who's an ex-methyl-communist.

And what's his policy on butt stuff?

Well, he's down for it.

He's pretty much up to anything.

He's an ex-method pitchman who's trying his hand at stand-up comic, and he lives in a stand-up comic.

He lives in a place called Montezuma, Colorado, where him and a few other people host this podcast that he invested all of his savings into.

And right now, they're covering the craziness that is in the white-hot sport that is F1 racing.

And they tune into every race.

That's how you do a pitch.

Yeah, that's right there.

And then you watch these guys who don't really know much about the sport talk about the sport and guess upon everything that's happening and stumble through tire strategy, teams, and everything.

So they talk all things F1.

You've got some stuff.

I'm just

funny, Dave?

You're sure.

You've got stuff talk.

Yeah, we all want to get there.

I thought about when Randy Johnson threw a pitch and eviscerated a bird two days ago.

I just driving saw a bird and I thought, Randy Johnson.

Yeah.

It just, it just

turned into pepper.

It just comes into your head when you look up and see a bird once in a while.

You're like, A man killed a bird with a baseball.

With a baseball.

Every time I've been to a game, I went to a Guardians game on Saturday.

I was out and there in the outfield.

I'm like, man, Randy Johnson did kill a bird

in the middle of this game in the middle of the baseball.

He's walking around like a regular man right now.

What the talk about the worst luck for a bird ever.

He's just flying.

He's just flying through a stadium.

We should have known that we were on a bad timeline when that happened.

We should have been like, we got to start changing some stuff.

We're pitchers are killing birds with baseballs now.

This is

not good.

All right, Ryan.

Well, you're in our our world now.

You're not in the world of Formula One racing.

You're in our world now.

Wait, I can't hear you, Ryan.

And I think that's good, honestly.

Ryan, you're muted again.

You're muted.

Ryan, occasionally,

sorry about that.

Ryan, his computer mutes him just because it doesn't want to hear a back and forth between you two.

And it's

upset by what you are doing.

One of the few things that AI has gotten right is stepping in when there's pits.

Ryan, how we like to start this is that Dave has picked out this

stupid newspaper.

And you and I are going to guess what year it's from.

The winner gets $100, whoever's closest.

And it's not price is right rules.

You are allowed to go over.

It's who's ever closest, but you do get $100 if you get it right.

By the way, don't be one of those dicks who's like, where's that money?

If two months from now, there's no follow-up.

Just be cool.

Yeah.

So I'll send an email right now.

Hold on.

You will not.

So this, put your hands down.

So this could be from the 1700s, the 1800s.

Could be the 1900s.

But I just want you to pick a year.

What's your gut?

What's your hole telling you?

Why?

What are you doing?

Use your butt, Oracle.

I want to say 1954.

Interesting.

I don't think you're right.

I think it's 1888.

Oh,

man.

Ryan wins.

It is 1885.

Shut the fuck up.

Why do you do this?

What do you mean?

I'm three years off.

Ryan, I've actually guessed it right before and lost.

So I saw Dave Hill

within a year.

Yeah.

Ryan had a five in his, and that's how we were judging it today.

Oh.

Rules of five.

August 15th.

August 15th, 1885.

That's how we keep

the guessing game fresh is by having different ways that you can get closest to the number.

August 15th, 1885.

The Tarcheo Avalanche, Tarcheo, Missouri.

Which I don't think is a place.

I've never heard of it.

I don't know.

I was in Timonium.

Oh, no, that's Maryland.

Whatever.

Who gives a shit?

It doesn't matter.

I'm actually going to leave.

I'm leaving.

A lot of people confuse Maryland and Missouri.

They have M's.

They're states.

There's a lot of Missouri.

Is Missouri the worst state in the country?

No, it isn't.

What is?

I don't know.

I would say if you look at statistics, it's Mississippi.

But as far as anecdotal, I'm still sticking with Arizona.

You suck, Arizona.

Hmm.

I don't know.

It's a tough one for me because Florida's pretty grotesque.

I just went to Florida and I did not want.

I wanted to go in with my bias, just a wagon.

And I was like, it's,

I don't hate it.

It is a nice tropical place.

It's the people that's the problem, but not all the people are bad.

There's, there's, it's not a huge

state.

It's a lot.

It's big.

It's a vast state.

They've done a ton of gerrymandering.

You know, I actually met him when I was out there.

He's good.

Yeah.

He's good.

He's sexy.

He's good.

Yeah.

All right.

So, Timoni America.

I'll leave it at Oklahoma then.

A full-grown fraud.

A writer.

I really thought you were going to say frog, and that was also exciting.

But go on.

Oh, wouldn't that have been good?

A writer in the Harrelson in Georgia banner, sorry, thus exposes one of the most transparent frauds of the age.

I herein and hereby take occasion to expose another one of the frauds that is being daily and hourly perpetrated on our unsuspecting men.

Finally.

Poor man.

Sweet little men.

I say men for the reason that the women have got better sense than to be victimized by it.

Come on.

It's a double whammy on the man.

I allude to the shirt that is made wrong, side foremost, with a back alley to it split open on the south side.

Not even a window in front.

Ryan, shirt with a back alley.

I think we,

I mean this this sounds like this fashion statement, whatever.

It sounds like it's a reverse cape that this guy's upset about, right?

It is a little aprony.

Oh, yeah, that's interesting.

A reverse cape.

So

made wrong side foremost with a back alley to it.

Split open on the south side, not even a window in the front.

That is

it's a drape.

Yeah, you're right.

It sounds like a reverse cape.

Yeah.

Which is

look.

But this person is correct to start out the paper about this if that's what's going on.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, again.

It's a useless shirt.

Gareth.

I don't.

What are you doing?

I don't shirt shame here.

I just want...

You guys are shirt shaming.

So

gross.

As a fraud, I align it alongside a circus show.

Hitting hard.

This is a shirt circus.

A circus.

It keeps out the air on the front side and is about.

Well, that's a big complaint I have: air.

The air contacts

with a front side, but what about the back side, Gareth?

Well, the back's cold.

Total ventilation.

Yeah, exactly.

It's sort of seven-year itching.

Listen, you know me.

I hate pants.

But I

know you're air blocked.

You're a hotback guy.

I'm a big hotback guy.

Yeah, I'm the same.

I like a hotback.

Okay, it keeps out the air on the front side and is all, and is about all it does keep out for the fleas, red bugs, et cetera, walk in at the back door.

And when they

once get there, they are at home till Sunday at least.

So this man

ticks?

I mean, it sounds like a red bug.

It sounds like

just

infested.

This man is just infested with mites and ticks and

his only defense is a shirt.

I mean,

so it's complete.

This man has not found pants, correct?

Yeah.

Well, these are, but he's, we're talking about his upper half, so the pants don't matter.

He's not

a cape.

Yeah.

He's wearing a reverse cape, as Ryan is pointing out.

But he keeps saying back door.

Is he mad that he bought it?

I think he's.

I think he has buyers of it.

Is this a letter to, is this like early Yelp right now?

Like, he's letting people know he's sure to bullshit.

He's leaving a review on like Target.

a website or whatever.

Right.

Which are, by the way, that should just be a hobby.

Illegal.

Do we ever get any time to just go on Target and just read the angry comments?

Oh, my God.

The operation can't be successfully performed with.

Oh, wait, what a luxury it is to scratch.

The operation can't be successfully performed with a locust back shirt on.

I was about to forget to tell you that I have one.

Gareth, I already included that in because you were yelling about it.

obviously

about it.

It is nearly worn out, and I am glad glad of it, too.

How do you wear that word?

He wore it so much that it's a toast.

And he's like, this shirt sucks.

I don't think they had a lot of clothes back then.

So you've got a shirt.

You're like, this is my shirt.

Yeah.

This shirt took three months to get knitted, so I'm going to stick with it.

It wasn't yet.

Well, there weren't, I mean, it wasn't mass manufacturing of clothes yet.

So we did have to sew.

How are we worshing?

River?

Yeah, we're probably.

Well, no, they have a worshipping tub.

I've had a worshi tub.

Okay.

A screen tub in low tide.

They would washing low tide.

That's right.

That's what I meant.

That's good.

I am nearly worn out too.

Last Tuesday.

I'm done.

By the way,

I'm done with this shit.

What's great about this is my back is burned and all covered in bugs.

It's almost like, Frank, just button it up in the back.

Maybe turn it around so it's in front.

Then it's like a thing we have already.

And stop writing that letter.

Having this conversation with him where he's like, I just, I'm fixing it for myself.

There's no way out.

No way out of this.

Over.

Last Tuesday it was cloudy, and that is the time when we went,

when we town fellows hoe our gardens.

I hoed mine.

I hoed a while with my coat on, got hot too, and pulled it off.

Soon got on my vest and went at it right.

About three o'clock, my friend John Baskin, who was hoeing his garden about 100 yards off, hallowed out, hello, squire, your back is mighty red.

I felt around, and sure enough, it was so sore I had to quit work and go to the house, and it's been getting sore ever since.

And Dr.

Fitz says, when I get a brand new hide on my back, he hopes I'll take better care of it.

I think this person might be just clinically infected.

Is this the

report of the world's first sunburn?

I mean, it's a guy who doesn't understand.

You mean when your skin grows back?

No, like a new, like raw hide or something to put on his, like some leathery back cover.

Ryan, it's around this time when I like to remind you that this is the first article in a newspaper.

Okay.

Okay.

So this is the lead out as a guy who got infested with bugs.

Oh, this is top story.

This is the number one story in the paper.

Okay.

It's about a guy who.

Infested with bugs and then severely burned.

Can we really get a picture of this shirt?

Because the...

I don't know.

It fully turned into smock for me during this explanation that he's out there naked in just

a front cake.

It's like a a front cake that's the best definition.

It's like they put a hospital gown on him, right?

Yes.

Yes.

That's what I'm picturing.

And he's just out there, nude Hoen

and he got bit and burned

because he never names the shirt.

It's not, it doesn't have a name.

I think it's on Tuckett.

The smallest baby.

News story.

I would have led with that.

I agree.

She lives in Philadelphia.

But the first one was full-grown fraud.

So everything is like size is a grabber.

It's about size.

Her height is but a trifle over five and a half inches and her weight less than three pounds.

Well, I'm sorry.

This is not okay.

Yeah.

Well, hold on.

She is round, plump, and shapely, as bright as a new dollar, and sound as a drum.

So she's just a healthy, tiny baby.

I don't at five inches.

She's a healthy tiny baby.

Five inches and three shots.

Sometimes they come out.

She's an action figure.

Maybe they didn't realize that.

And she doesn't move.

She sits on the mantle.

Oh.

Oh, well, where you put a baby is where you want to put it on the mantle.

Have I introduced you to my daughter, Ruth?

Her name is

Decora Mabel Summers.

In spite of her diminutive size, Miss Summers has a robust voice.

I'm not a bit of calling a premature fetus just I don't think she's premature.

I don't know what she is, but she ain't born, but she ain't alive.

In spite of her

diminutive size, Miss Summers has a robust voice, which can be heard from the garret to the cellar without straining an ear.

And her physician declares she is as healthy a child as he has ever met in the whole course of his professional career.

So she's fine.

She's just small.

You have a bias against tiny babies.

I mean, I guess we were smaller back before, like, you know, health and medicine and

maybe the essentially back in the 1800s, we were all three apples tall.

If we're talking about baby scale, he's right.

Back then, we were all three apples tall.

And we sat on the mantle when we were born.

That's where we were.

You're talking about crab apples for it's i'm not even gonna get into this we were we were known as mantlers yeah this is a tiny this baby is not first of all this baby is not three apples tall so even with our new way of thinking no yeah no she's exactly why would it five and a half inches that's three apples if you got some sweet apples okay apples are you talking about where you get your apples first of all i'm talking about a honey crisp well then this baby is one honey crisp height you are out of your tits sir

yeah no yes no sir yes sir that is insane you are insane

her mother

miss mary emma summers is a strong and healthy woman 35 years who is also the mother of five other children all good size

Her father, Harry, is a barber by trade.

And when questioned about his youngest daughter, he said, quote, yes, she is a little tot, and I have been advised to exhibit her about the country as a curiosity.

The doctor assures me she will never attain any size.

She is now the smallest baby that ever is known to live.

None of this is till the end of this week.

The tour ends Friday, when she will.

Come on down.

Hurry.

By the way, if you got a cold, get in nice and close.

This girl's got an immune system that's roaring.

Since her birth, she has not grown a half an inch in height, though she is a trifle heavier.

She's a stillborn child.

She got

thicker.

We should be doing venues.

She's growing wider, Gareth.

What does that even mean?

She's putting on weight.

So she's just becoming a line?

Well, she's doing what she's supposed to do.

She's an ear of corn.

I don't even.

You're so anti-tiny baby.

Stop.

Don't shame me for being anti-baby.

Immediately after she was born, I weighed her, and she scarcely pulled the scale down to the two-pound mark.

Today, she is just two pounds and three-quarters, and that includes her clothing.

She was born on Decoration Day.

That's why we call her Decora.

Fatty.

That's right.

If there was child protective services, they would be stepping in back then.

Are you looking up Decora?

Are you trying to find some sort of...

Yeah, nothing comes up except for this news story.

I wonder why.

Because this did not happen.

This is not real.

This is just a way to sell tickets to some bullshit.

And then you think that there's like a doll

instead of a...

Yeah, it's like a dimly writ...

like a dimly lit dime store room where they're just like,

oh, stay there now.

Don't get closer.

Decora's crabby.

Okay, here's a story from

months later.

Oh, I can't look at this one.

And it's in Australia.

So they're talking about it in Australia now.

The funeral of Decorah?

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe she.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean,

I don't know what to say, but that's it.

Do you need me to say anything?

Because I'll tell you that it's totally bullshit.

What we don't like is naysayers on this podcast.

Is that right?

Ryan, thoughts?

The child real fake?

I know.

Look,

I think it's the best part: is that, look, we're going to get her out working.

She's going to go into show biz real quick.

She doesn't, if she doesn't, she's going to get into the factory and start making these backless shirts.

Right.

Little decor in a factory.

She's got tiny.

She's got tiny hands.

She can make the buttons.

Excuse me.

Can you lift me up there, please?

I'm trying to keep my hands out there.

Hello.

I just.

Hello.

You know what?

What day?

What day, Panda?

When do we get to this?

This is not an anti-tony baby podcast.

I think I get the Talloon.

I got it to get a bitch of drink.

Hey, let's bang some.

Let's bang some of those workers at Dr.

Taloon.

The fuck?

I'm four days old now.

You're going to take so much.

You're going to take so much heat for this episode.

I'm right there.

First off, I should be working with Cole.

I'm starting the subreddit thread.

Go, go.

Yeah.

Go.

Me.

Go.

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Barbara Fisher, the witch of the Allegheny Mountains.

The bringing of a lawsuit in a justice's court in one of the back regions of this country by a young man against his mother to recover damages for the loss of a dog, which he claims she bewitched so that it ran in a circle until it died with exhaustion.

Dog got sick, witch did it?

Well, the dog ran in circles until it died.

Right.

I mean, which is unusual.

Yeah.

To burn a witch?

I've heard of that, but to sue a witch?

It's America.

Yeah.

You throw a witch in water, and if she starts swimming, you sue her.

You never heard about the third option.

Suing a witch.

It is brought in notice that.

Oh my god, a witch's court.

We're gonna bring that's gonna happen soon.

There's gonna be a witch's, yep, there's gonna be a witch's court.

So it seemed like the judge didn't really want to hear what you were saying, even though you had receipts.

Well, he'll see one day.

We'll show him

tools are going to turn green.

So,

where am I?

Okay.

Sorry,

it brought in notice that the fact that there is an almost general belief of witchcraft, charms, and magic spells among the farming population in those isolated localities.

So, blaming poor crops on witchcraft.

And dying dogs and whatnot.

Right, yeah

uh

and that there are many old women who are regularly consulted by young and old and in whose arts and supernatural powers they put the greatest faith I mean any old woman was a witch yeah what's the difference between going to a church and

right and if the crops ain't growing it's not the water that's not falling from the sky it's the witch we we've alluded to this before every time how long until this country, because of crop failure, starts doing a version of this?

Oh, not long.

Over under, let's say 12 years.

12 years, over under.

Yeah, evil.

Just evil's responsible for it.

I'd say under

12 years into

blaming drought on witches or fairies.

Because Ryan's right.

It'll be evil at first, and then you have to find a source for the evil.

Always.

That's the best.

At the trial

or lawsuit, mentioned several of these witch women testified in the case, and the curious and absurd beliefs they profess were given in great detail.

The principal one, and the one most sought for advice and counsel,

is Barbara Fisher, who lives in the drunkard settlement five miles from Reinholdsville.

I think a drunkard settlement are prohibitionists.

Oh, I'm

sorry completely.

That went from where I wanted to go to where I'd never be.

Right.

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that's what it is, but I could be wrong.

But I, um,

uh, she lives in a small cabin in the mountains.

She's 80 years old.

She's bent and gray.

Well, you don't want to be gray.

Oh, that's the textbook witch.

Bent, gray.

Cabin, woods.

The cops for filing the report.

I mean,

pretty obvious what's going on here.

She's bent, she's gray.

She's got a broom in her house.

We We don't know.

Lives alone.

Woods.

Lives alone, woods.

Cabin.

Cabin.

Check, check.

Come on here.

What are we doing here?

But she is still active and well-preserved.

Ma'am, where are your potions, please?

You got any potions in here?

Not really, but it is.

You could look under the bed.

There might be something.

But I did.

Johnson, check it out.

She's got a broom.

Yeah, she's got a broom.

I sweep.

Is this your cap, ma'am?

Yes.

Put your hands behind her.

What?

You are under arrest for the presumption of witchcraft.

She is still active and well-preserved.

She's well-preserved like a five-and-a-half-inch baby.

Hello.

She is shrewd.

She's a shrewd, cunning old woman and lives alone.

She's so independent that she will take...

He's really...

Ryan's really

close on.

Shrewd cunning.

I'm seeing the evolution of a slur in the very beginning.

Shrewd cunning.

How can I shorten that down?

How do I get that and just like land it on a hard T?

How do I do that?

We're seeing the beginnings of it.

Cunning is so cumbersome.

Shrewd cunning.

She's so independent that she will take the case of no one who is a neighbor to her or who thinks she lives in any large town unless the applicant only wants her to treat for a common ailment requiring no wonder working.

So, okay.

An old woman who wants to be left alone unless you have a health question is a witch.

And then doesn't want like

people from other towns, like cities coming.

Yeah,

she's like, leave me alone.

Doesn't want annoying people to come up to her.

Witch.

I will say the next time I get my oil changed and they try to upsell me, I'm going to be like, no wonder working.

Yeah,

no wonder working.

Leave that out.

Just the oil change.

Yeah.

A sufferer from hurts, fits, burns, and similar ailments, she will treat it once.

And men, women, and children come from far and near to seek her aid.

Hey, you that lady that fixes fits and burns?

Yeah.

Chief witch.

If a child is deformed, demented, or afflicted in any way, it is taken.

My daughter is three inches tall and only grows sideways.

You got any.

normal, she's normal.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, it is taken to Dame Fisher.

If a farmer has a horse stolen, the first thing he does is to consult the old woman and implore her.

Can I borrow a moment of your time?

My shirt is so long in the front, and the back is

like I just am covered in bugs.

Yeah, you did this.

I turn it around.

Oh my god, a witch.

and implore her to aid him in recovering the lost animal and detecting the thief.

If there's trouble with cattle, if crops look bad, her aid is the first thing sought.

So she stands really like a very good witch.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's just helping people.

And one dog spun a few times and died, and now we're getting out of here.

Well,

I think that's what happens when a dog has like brain issues.

So

Brain worms.

Yeah, the dog had like a brain issue.

I've never heard of that.

Is that actually a thing where they run around?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'll dogs.

Not all dogs are good.

No, not all good dogs.

Not all the goodest dogs.

Sometimes you get a couple, you know.

Hell, yeah.

You get a couple weird wood dogs.

Yeah.

What?

There's some parasite dogs.

Yeah, but there's still, I mean, what are you going to do?

You don't, you know.

What are you going to do?

There's bad dogs.

There's bad dogs.

Take it to the witch house.

Wow.

Reddit is

fire with your shit right now, babe.

You are so reddit fucked right now.

What are you doing?

This is recorded.

This is recorded.

I love when people are like, there are no bad dogs.

And then it's the way people raise them.

Right.

So they were raised, they were raised to be bad.

Yeah.

Like criminals.

It's a classic nature versus nurture,

which I love.

Yeah, but you can raise a dog to be a bad dog.

Get him, Reddit.

She stands at ready at any time to extend her aid.

And if she fails, it is attributed unanimously to a lack of faith.

in her

on the part of the person she's working with.

So it's just like church.

In her healing operations, she has no medicines but depends upon her charms.

Her powwows consist of breathing on the afflicted part, waving the hand over it, and accompanied by a few muttered words.

I know where I know what Ryan would say hurt.

Yeah,

my butthole hurts.

Say it,

say, say it, my butthole hurts.

Say it, go in and say it like you mean it.

Yeah, say it like

whisper, get closer,

yelling it like a mine.

There's an echo.

She's only one of many witch women who are consulted by their creditors.

It feels like they were just like the preferred term is witch women.

Most of these women live alone.

Each has a mysterious book, sorry, mystery book, which is an ancient volume

printed in the German language.

Say witch German.

Witches consulted when charms are to be worked.

Old Mother Rossk,

who lives in Reinholdsville, had the entire

nursery rhyme start.

It's terrible.

It's terrible.

That guy was like, I should probably rethink this opening.

That is fucking chaotic.

Had the entire farming neighborhood working every night for weeks in search of gold.

That's not a witch.

That's a slave owner.

That's like someone who's, that's just, that's someone who's just putting people to fucking work.

She's a witch.

And when they failed to find it, she gave as a reason that some of them had a cow with blood in its horn.

And until that could be found and killed and the blood drawn from the horn and spilled on the ground in the moon's third quarter, it would be useless to look further for the treasure.

I know

she was right.

I know we couldn't find any.

Let me ask a crazy question.

Does anyone have a cow with blood in its horn?

Because if so, we're going to have to wait.

Oh, Christ.

You have to do it.

I've been taking it all weekend.

Betcha, I've been keeping the blood.

Ugh, that's just

strange and odd.

How was I supposed to know?

That would be what you should have said.

All right.

Well, we just have to wait three quarters or something now.

Whatever it is.

Nobody told me that's going to stop the gold.

Christ, Ted.

I got to tell you, the blood horn thing sounds like a stall stall tactic until you find gold.

I think that's right.

Yeah.

I think that's something you just keep adding on to.

Oh, you found the blood horn?

Well, was it a brown cow?

See?

Spots?

Does it have

two spots?

Got to need five of those.

Keep singing, boys.

So this goes on and on, so I'm going to cut to the end because it's just giving examples of what witches do.

But

in the potency of the witch hazel the wonder workers chiefly rely it is burned to ashes in the blossoms used

young women carry its leaves in their bosoms as a love charm and sleep with them under their pillows to make their dream to make them dream of their lovers But of the persons who testified in the lawsuit, only one said he had never had a relative bewitched.

The witness who testified in

a fucking criminal lawsuit against witches is such a great time.

It's great.

Law we figured out, but superstition remains.

We are suing witches.

The witness who testified in behalf of the person who claimed his dog had been bewitched declared that since he had sided with him, his well had gone dry, his cow gave bloody milk, and his three weeks baby had refused to be suckled, and he expected it to die at any time.

The Justice of the Peace.

He's on a bad run.

Yeah.

I mean, also, he's in the water.

Yeah.

No water.

I mean, I'll just go back to the water.

Yeah, well, the baby won't suckle.

Here, I'll get some milk from the cow.

Don't

the justice of the peace endeavored to ridicule the idea of witchcraft to the people present, but they insisted in their belief, and he gave the owner of the dog a judgment of $3 for the loss of his dog, the woman admitting that she had dosed it to death.

Oh, shit.

Well, okay.

I guess that's an open and shutter right there.

Who'd have thought?

You'd think there'd be a little cross-examination.

Why the twist at the end there?

All right, I poisoned it.

All right, give him $3.

We can all go home.

I mean, pretty expensive dog for back in the day.

$3?

Yeah, absolutely.

That is an expensive dog.

That's a real expensive.

I think that's like, I thought that was what a horse cost.

Yeah.

Well, listen to you with your fucking riot.

$3, man.

Back then, you could get a horse.

You can't change for a dog.

Yeah.

You get a horse for that cash and a barn door.

You could probably get a house for that.

For a leftover for a house, yeah.

It might have been a great dog.

That makes a lot more sense.

Let me look it up.

$3.18.85.

I'll say it was.

Yes.

I'll say it was $100.

No, I'll say it was $50.

No, No, it's going to be like $4,000.

It is

to

calculate.

Oh, no, it's $99.

I'm going to leave the show.

$4,000?

There were only 4,000 ones printed that year.

That's it.

First of all, Ryan, I'm the human calculator of the show, so we will edit this part out.

We cannot have you snoring my good name.

No, we're not going to do that.

Yeah, we will.

Cut this out.

No.

No.

Cut it out.

You came in green today.

Secretary Endicott seems to be the right man in the right place.

He has just decreed that all the military dudes who have been sitting around in the eastern cities in soft places shall go to the front and do a little active service.

Fuck yeah.

You're a man for a war.

Back up.

Round up people who aren't white.

Stop.

Wait, wait.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

I'm saying this.

We're saying the same thing.

These guys are hanging around.

We should put them to use.

Separate people.

Oh, we're talking about now.

That was.

This was all cool back then, not now.

Yeah, this is a different time.

Yeah, this was when the white people should have been rounded up by a group

for illegal immigration.

Oh, we were involved in

Panama,

Haiti.

Yeah, and

the Sino-French War, which included battles in Vietnam.

We had a little bit of stuff going on there.

Oh, and the Apache, the Apache conflict.

So, yeah, we were doing our stuff.

I bet that's about

the Apaches, I would imagine.

Because they said Eastern cities, you know?

Yeah, I was, Ryan, you thinking Apaches?

I'm thinking Apaches.

Yeah, definitely.

No Navajo, but definitely Apaches.

Thus

Apache conflict.

Bingo.

Agreed, Dave.

We come back with affirmative.

Here's just a little blurb.

The Institute is booming, and so is the girls blooming.

Such a

great talent.

Honey, you mind if I put something really really creepy in the paper?

George, you are very

down at the bottom.

Your sweat's brown.

I'm just going to put something about the girls.

Selling well water, huh?

Well, there's some little teenies outside, little teeny girls.

What?

Teenagers, young women running around out front of the newspaper.

I'm going to put a little blurb in here about it.

They're blooming.

Okay.

They're blooming.

You're gassed.

Why are you.

Okay.

It's like running.

Okay.

Watching them is like...

Okay.

It's like running through a field.

Lay down.

Lay down.

Don't write anything for a little while.

Sleep this night.

There you go.

Damn.

There you go.

All right.

Damn.

God damn.

All right.

I'm going to blow the lights out here.

I'm still like,

is this what he's seeing or is this early weather reporting?

Like, it's hot enough that the women are hot to me.

I don't know.

It seems weird to call him hot.

I think he's the Institute is booming.

Okay.

So that's like something is taken off, right?

Yeah.

And so is the girls blooming.

So he's got to say that the girls are becoming women, right?

I think that's what it is.

I don't think there can be any other interpretation unless they're actually.

unless it's like a Last of Us thing and there are some

fungi hitting and the girls are actually

becoming flowery because the fungus is

manifesting within them and turning them into a plant kind of thing.

I've watched The Last of Us and I'm lost, Ryan?

Thoughts?

Yeah.

Well, that's a terrible thing.

I thought this guy was charged up because it was sundress season.

That's what I was getting out of it.

Yeah.

That's how I feel.

I don't think the fungus stuff is.

I think the fungus in The Last of Us is in the writer's room.

Yeah, might as well.

Dr.

A.D.

Gillam is gone.

Fuck.

Too soon.

We only mention this fact for the fear that there may be some who did not know that he was here.

That's a little

rough.

Yeah.

So for those of you just finding out, what a roller coaster.

It is.

Here's the guy, and he's gone.

Yeah, you could have been going to a doctor this whole time, but you chose a witch.

Instead, you've been digging gold at the witch's house.

I didn't know it was Macau.

Yeah.

Doctor right down the street.

It is a small loss that he's gone, and a small loss to those who did not know he was here.

He came here several months ago and started a pro-bituary?

He started a prohibition drugstore.

It's not an obituary.

Okay.

Sounded like he started a prohibition drugstore

with a view of catching the prohibition trade and medical practice.

So he's trying to start an alcohol-free

drugstore.

I assume that's a drugstore.

People must have gone in to get a drink, or maybe we're also talking about,

did prohibition include like heroin and

hilarious

if they were like, booze is doing it.

Now, here you are, John.

Shoot up.

I bet it included opium and cocaine.

I wonder.

I think that would maybe be seen as medical.

So he got neither.

The prohibitionists traded to the other drugstores and failed to employ him in sickness.

And so the doctor shook the dust of Tarchio from his feet, taking all of his fanaticism with him.

The prohibition cause will be...

gainer by his absence.

The the doctor made the assertion in summer that if he had a drop of Missouri blood in his veins he would cut it out

he's not happy that means this place sucks

sounds kind of I've said but I've said that about Missouri we I we've driven through there and you've tried to cut out whatever part of you came into contact with it

they're a little uh

is that it that is an obituary it's a real no no we suppose that after he gets across the line, he will take a course of Turkish baths or go to some other cleansing process in order to purify himself.

Goodbye, doctor.

Your short residence in Missouri may have taught you a valuable lesson after all.

So he rolled in with like a, he's like, these people will enjoy my

prohibition business.

And people are like, nah, we're good.

And then he left.

And these, the newspaper is upset about it.

Super weird article.

Super weird.

Sometimes.

Not necessary.

Yeah, like fill it.

Yeah, kind of like

I guess goodbye to the dick doctor who is here.

He's out.

He's out.

Yeah.

And I guess he's taking his lame store that sucks with him.

Yeah, his shit store.

So this guy had a personal problem with him.

Yeah, it sounds personal.

It does.

Yeah, this is very personal.

A lot of power-hungry editor at this rag.

That's right.

uh

peoria enterprise

talking about but bed bugs said a fat drummer from new york jesus

are you guys what are you guys talking about infestation

talking about bed bugs tell you i've had my share of experience with them You've heard of bed bugs coming down to the hotel register and looking to see what rooms guests were assigned to, haven't you?

Well, I was the man who discovered that.

Okay, so he stayed in a hotel that had bed bugs.

Yeah.

How great is it that bed bugs have like hung around for that?

They're timeless.

Like that we're still like, these fucking assholes.

They're a real problem today in many major cities.

They are

a huge comeback.

Absolutely.

Yes.

And they are.

In New York, they like get into stores.

Yeah.

like department stores and stuff.

And yeah.

That's just heaven for bed bugs.

Bed bugs going into like a New York store, like, boys, we eaten.

Well, I was the man who discovered that.

Then you've heard of

the bugs that got into a bed, the legs of which were set in pans of water, I suppose.

They climbed up to the ceiling and dropped down on their victims.

So there's a theory that you put the legs of the bed in like water cups and that prevent, like they're una, it's like you mote the legs of your bed and these ones are mission impossibling

in.

That's correct.

They deserve it.

They're ought.

They do.

Give it up.

Let them suck the blood.

Let them go.

Yeah, let them feast on your back.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was how they thought to stop bed bugs was to put something on the.

I don't hate it.

The puzzle.

I wouldn't say no to it as I don't know how to stop bed bugs outside of not being gross um you ever had them ryan uh no but i've seen them in many high quality hotel rooms i've stayed in my oh yeah like literally like

oh yeah

of course hotel beds are literally the most disgusting things on the face of the planet

under the sheets literally on yeah yeah you lift the sheeps up yeah sheeps or the sheets the sheeps and the sheets what do you what do you do if you find them uh You report what's going on, and you probably don't end up sleeping on that bed that night.

That whole hotel talk.

I had ants in my room once, and I calmed down, and I was like,

It was like real bad.

And the guy comes up, he's like, So we're going to raid the room.

You might want to stay out for like 45 minutes.

I'm going to put my foot down here and say, I'm going to need to be relocated in this establishment.

Yeah.

Raid the room.

No.

So I stayed in actually where this story is from, Peoria.

I was doing a comedy club there and I was in a hotel room and I woke up at night and I turned on the light and the floor was covered in weird bugs.

And I was just like,

what

in the fuck?

I mean, I have no idea what they were, but they were just all over.

And I was just like, oh, these things come at night.

Like, this is a, this is just a thing that happens.

They're not here tonight.

These bugs come at night.

So I grabbed all my shit and went out.

But like,

we're just not.

The lady was just like, yeah, we'll put you in another room.

I was like, so you knew, you knew.

That was the same room as you know.

The ants thing was how much they were like, oh, yeah, we got a whole protocol for ants.

Some fucking dude just comes here and sprays raid.

Fix it.

The thing about the hotel model is that you really, like any complaint, you're like, you can't.

Yeah, you're going to be gone in two days.

Yeah.

It takes three days to solve it.

And you're like, you're not going to do shit.

You really can't think very much about what happens in a hotel.

No.

No.

You just got to go in there and sleep.

That's just plow through it.

Yeah.

Do some bad.

Howie Mandel was right.

He wasn't right about a lot, but hotel living, he seemed to be right.

He just

would make roads of towels everywhere he went.

Yeah.

I mean, I get it.

I do too.

I knew someone who used to

bring

flip-flops to take showers and walk around the bathroom in.

That's not a bad idea.

I don't hate it.

I know somebody who brings the Ziploc bag to put the remote in just to use the remote because I said that's the dirtiest thing in the whole.

That is the dirtiest thing.

Yeah.

See, I used to hand sanitize the remote and I've stopped.

I should go back to that.

That's what we're saying here.

Right?

Great.

We're just giving you more neuroses to go forward with.

I think this is what I need.

More protocols.

i try to come on the ceiling all right everybody that's the pastimes

well i am the very man this is he's talking about them dropping down from the ceiling well i am the very man they lit on but that's nothing compared to an experience i had a few weeks ago down at peoria

Never saw such enterprising bugs as there are in that town.

Me too.

Wow, look at Dave.

Is your bread?

I'm with this guy?

Wow.

Going down to the hotel register

is an old game with them, and they about played out.

Yes, this is my experience.

Oh, do you know, Dave?

You're alarmed, take your pills.

Do you know how crazy it is that I've never thought about how back then you always had to go to the front?

Like, you'd be on like the third floor and be like,

oh, here we go.

If it wasn't fixed, you'd be like,

you see, there are so many infernal

many bugs in the hotels there that competition is pretty strong.

And the bug that depends on the register for a living is going to get left.

All the wide-awake, business-like, prosperous bugs in Peoria accompany guests to the depot and there run up and down the platform watching which hotel bus gets the most in the incoming passengers and the fast ones.

So they're saying

are they saying the bugs leave Peoria with

the guests?

I thought I guess maybe they are.

It definitely sounds like the bugs are staking out doing their homework.

That is the bus they get into.

Yeah.

I feel like they mentioned up top that they the bugs actually kind of checked into their own room at the hotel.

Yeah.

Like as guests.

And probably they had a credit card.

I love that too.

Yeah.

Also fun.

I know this to be a fact because I am one of the fattest men on the road, but he's talking about fat with bugs, I think.

I have a wealth of bugs.

I'm a train wreck man.

I'm 8,000 bed bugs in a man outfit.

You think you have bugs?

I have a gross of bugs.

Sitting next to him on a bus.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Oh, my God.

Will you ring the bell so the bus stop?

I gotta get to Peoria.

Bugs coming out of his mouth.

Albert the elephant, the elephant Albert of the Barnum show, who was shot a few days ago because he had killed his keeper.

Christ.

He's a murderer, Gareth.

I do love that, how it's like if an animal in enclosure attacks...

a human we're like well this thing's crazy this animal's out of control but then they didn't didn't isn't that what they didn't do with the orcas?

They would just ship them around.

I think they're still doing it.

I think they're still shipping killer orcas like around to other places and then they kill other people.

I think that's right.

Well, I remember that.

Yeah.

They definitely ship them around, but I don't, I mean, their life, it's

and I think, I do think about the effect all the time that Blackfish came out.

We were all like, what the fuck?

And now SeaWorld's back on air.

Like, come on, dad.

It's like,

we got a roller coaster now.

Yeah, we're expanding.

And you're just like, Jesus Christ.

Well, the one thing will ever stop.

The one in Vallejo had to close down.

Now it's

a theme park.

We had a SeaWorld in Cleveland.

Did you know that?

That's the set.

I mean, I've not seen the West.

I used to work there.

Oh, what did you do there?

I was in guest relations.

I did not clean the bone.

I was in guest relations.

Is this where the asshole stuff is?

There was a year where one of the ski boats lost control and

flew into the audience and basically up somebody's nose.

What?

That's a true story.

What did you do?

You know who else was there?

Jason Dallas was there.

He worked alongside with me.

How did he do?

And,

well, I wasn't.

Luckily, I was off that day.

My buddy Jason.

It was a nightmare.

It was a massacre.

It was national news at the time, which was big

since there was no internet at the time.

There was barely internet at the time.

This was a national news story.

Ski boat goes into stands.

Is that what stopped the sea world in cleveland uh no i don't know what it stopped but i remember going it's very odd that we have watched sea world in cleveland there's a video yeah there's video if anybody wants to uh google it sea world boat accident of 1996 on youtube and they they go through the whole thing

sea world aurora oio families gather for a day of water shows dolphin tricks and killer whales and for 4 000 visitors the day wouldn't be complete without a boat show.

But as this 18-foot speed boat approaches the crowd, the jet drive housing units shatters.

Suddenly, the driver can't steer, and he can't stop.

The crowd has no chance to react.

And you're there.

Well, he had the day off.

What a day to miss.

Thank God I missed that day.

That was a day that

an hourly employee shouldn't have to sit there and answer to the wave of people who were traumatized by watching a blog post somebody's nose.

Wow.

Wow.

It's pretty long.

Oh, wow.

It is a huge thing.

I'm going to have to watch it later, but

it's a good six-minute video.

And

wow, I never heard of that.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, man.

It's fun, man.

It's pretty brutal.

That's why you go to SeaWorld.

Yeah.

And the ribs, because I worked at a rib restaurant there, too.

You get the ribs.

Sorry, I'm going to have to find some.

I'm going to throw up in a drawer

looking at a rib restaurant and see what the smokehouse right behind the killer whale stadium man those those animals those are big fish huh i think they're

you all get ribs yep

uh okay the elephant albert of the barnum show who was shot a few days ago because he had killed his keeper was given to the smithsonian institute by mr barnum and two of the Institute staff were sent to dissect him.

The head and trunk were first removed, and then the hide was taken off in two pieces, being split in the back and belly, just like a shirt.

The hide was in many places an inch and a quarter thick, and the work required nearly three hours.

The skeleton was then

now.

The skeleton was then dissected and every bone saved intact.

The firing party that executed Albert consisted of 29 men, 12 of whom fired at the heart and 17 at the head.

During the autopsy, six bullets were found in the heart and they had all been flattened.

In the evening, those Epicurean tastes dined on the elephant steak.

Oh my God!

Jesus Christ!

Oh,

that is savage!

It is bad.

It is bad.

We are bad.

And I respect him for not wasting meat at the same time.

I don't know.

Stop it.

We are bad.

The guy who's just during, I mean, imagine during an autopsy being like, am I crazy to think we should grill this thing up later?

No, hold on.

It gets worse.

And it is reported that many

who

many of the diners did not know what they were eating

pronounced the steak unusually fine in flavor, but a bit tough.

So they didn't tell them what they were feeding them.

This T-bone's misshapen uh these ribs are kind of big these are big i mean it's like eating like the flintstones

this calamari's very chewy aman

yeah

jesus christ

what's for dessert elephant ears uh this you gotta tell

although look If I'm eating meat and I don't know what it is, I'm not eating it.

You know what I mean?

Like, if they're like, yeah, no, go eat the mystery meat.

But they're not calling it the mystery meat.

That's the whole thing with when you go to like a restaurant and you're like,

when I read this article that calamari was pig anus, and there was a whole operation of like that being kind of unearthed.

Is that true?

Yes.

Calamari is pig anus?

In some places, they were buying pig anus and just deep-frying it like calamari.

It can't be

a pig anus would be a, it's like a, it's like a muscle, it's a sphincter.

An anus isn't a little chewy guy.

Well, you know, Ryan.

Ryan.

Ryan, Ryan.

I don't know, but

there's people you do know.

I know a few people who do know.

And I got to tell you, their reviews across the board.

Has anyone ever come up and said?

Calamari.

And if I could only have cocktail sauce with this, was there.

I got my drawers full of fused, but I need to

order a new drawer to throw up.

Nobody feels good.

Oh my god.

Fuck.

Imagine that text.

Can I get a quote?

Dala Mare.

One more.

Sure, yeah.

Let's capitalize.

A married woman from Mound City was up here not long ago.

I'm going to take her to Mound City.

Passing herself off for a single girl.

Good for her.

Her husband wrote to certain parties there inquiring about her and asked them to try and influence her or induce her to return to his bed and board, but they never let her know that they were onto the racket.

So

she goes to another town to try to have a good time with some fellas.

And then her husband finds out and he writes to guys there and he's like, hey, can you?

And so all these guys she's trying to hit on have a good time with are like, you know what?

You should go back.

You should go back to Mound City.

So your husband wrote me a letter.

You should go home.

no they were all like oh this lady's here to have a good time yeah

there's no way i'd be like cody go to your husband

about two weeks ago she left on a southbound train and it is to be hoped that she returned to the arms of her despairing hubby yep no way

at all

uh

the first hot wife

agreed I mean,

how long does it take you to figure out that she's cheating on you?

Like, is it the first time she's gone for days on end and then comes back by train?

I mean, that's kind of

suspicious in a time before almost travel.

And women not probably leaving without granted permission regularly.

Yeah.

Boy, you sure are going to Mountain City a lot.

And you return with no goods.

Well, Salty Dalty, Ryan Dalton, the king of Cleveland, thank you for joining us.

Expect the hundred dollars.

And

exciting.

Exciting.

People should go.

Where can people, you want to drop a website one more time just so people know where to go?

World of Montezuma.com is

our brand there.

And

you can see the Formula Funcast there.

And we stream live every race day on all the platforms,

all the places you can stream, your YouTubes, your X's, your Kick, your

Kik,

TikTok.

We stream the live race days and then post the stuff to YouTube and then all the socials and stuff like that.

And Gareth said he's definitely going to do it.

And that's exciting.

David's on the fence.

I can see that.

I can see that by his pensive look.

But I don't blame him.

But Gareth said he's definitely going to do it.

I'm in.

And

don't contact me.

And

oh, I'm contacting you.

Well, Ryan, we live in hell, but it was nice to escape for an hour with you.

Yeah, thank you.

It added levity to the hour, and that will go back to dyster.

What's on the rest of the day for you today, Ryan?

What do you got coming up?

Oh, real cool stuff.

Looking at other people's social media to see what they're doing and posting and all sorts of F1.

It's called research.

It's called researching your competitors.

What are you doing?

Pants or shorts on right now.

What are we doing?

I'm wearing shorts right now.

Boxers or no?

I don't wear boxers.

I wear boxer briefs.

Yeah.

You got them on?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, Ryan.

We'll see you later.

Thank you, Ryan.

Thank you.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it and the more you share it the more you give it to people the more you follow lakeside all that stuff the better chance we have of making a lot more of them we're already making a second one so go there and watch the rube

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