689 - Larry Craig - live

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Oh, I read it.

You're listening to the DOIP!

Is there a reason that you two aren't clapping?

Everyone clapped.

Okay, go ahead, keep going.

This is an American History Podcast.

For each week, I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American History, just me in the eye.

And Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about, hashtag ketamine.

The story.

Yeah, that was the...

Sure.

Let's do that.

Thanks, man.

139712.

July 20th, 1945.

Larry Craig.

Jenny's dad

was born to Dorothy Lenore and Elvin Oren Craig on a ranch 24 miles from the nearest paved road near Midvale, Idaho.

Okay.

He's not even from there.

He's from like close to there.

Okay.

Well, it is very mid.

Very mid.

I like that, though.

I like that space there.

That's what I'm after.

That's what we need.

Don't acknowledge what I said.

Keep going.

The ranch was homesteaded in 1899 by his grandfather.

That means he stole the land from the

am Gutfeld next Thursday, so chill.

Larry grew up on the ranch and was educated in a one-room schoolhouse.

Nice.

We'll get back to that.

We'll get back to that.

So he's raised Methodist.

He was accepted into the University of Idaho where he was student body president and a member of the Delta Chi.

Delta Chi, the Delta Chi Chi boy.

Fraternity.

Sure.

Whatever.

They're all bad.

Stop.

He became president of the frat.

Nice.

That's impressive.

That is.

His fellow frat members called him Mother Craig.

Huh?

That doesn't bother me.

Well, because he was so on top of things.

You know what I mean?

No.

Very on top of things.

What do you mean?

Just

always on top.

The way it should be.

That's the man's role.

A man would come forward years later to say that when he was considering pledging the fraternity, Larry took him into his bedroom and, quote, made what

made what said he.

No, that's not written right.

Made what he said.

Oh, made what he said,

what he, sorry, I'm trying to read this.

Here he goes, we're okay.

Everyone back to one, three, two.

Okay.

Made

what he took to be an invitation to sex.

Okay.

Yeah, now the name rings a bell.

Now that we're at that part.

During this time, he served as future farmers of America national vice president.

Mm-hmm.

It's fucking sweet.

Are there any future Farmers of America members?

No.

You don't need to shout out no.

Somebody yelled, I know, someone answered for the whole group and were like, no.

Yeah.

Well, one woman, one woman he dated on and off for a year said, quote, I don't imagine that he ever held my hand.

I always felt like I was an accessory.

I might as well have been his briefcase.

It's fucking hot.

Some hot shit.

Women expect too much from me.

I mean, would you just give us a break?

Holding your hand, treating you like a perk.

Come on.

We're busy.

Just let me put it in the future.

We're future farmers.

Let me put these papers in you.

I'll open you with a code.

Larry graduated with a degree in political science.

He was trained by an old school speech guy and won speaking contests.

His bedroom at the ranch was filled with trophies.

You're a little too impressed by what you just heard.

Carl, you ever been in someone's room with trophies?

You're like, that's a sad little life you got in here, huh?

A lot of ribbons.

What's your plan?

Like, how many college guys in that time are going to speech contests?

It was like him and like a lump of shit

named Bob.

Second place.

I keep thinking about why people had a lock on their, like, how important you have to think you are to have a lock on your briefcase with your three little digit passcode.

The fucking balls on you to be like, there you go.

Well, you don't know.

I mean, I.

No one can get my printed papers.

You have a lot of stuff in there.

Remember the guy who turned his briefcase into a suck machine?

We're not allowed.

Quit kink shaming that guy.

Man's an American hero.

We did get a lot of shit for kink shaming.

Don't make fun of the guy who's got a dick-sucking briefcase.

It was tough.

We both were like, I think I feel okay going back at these people and being like, look, God bless him.

I'm glad he got to do it.

But he was married with his wife in his house.

He went to his garage and like he was rebuilding a Trans Am made a suitcase that sucked his dick

That is that's funny.

It's very funny That's a funny setup

So he Larry is clearly going to be a politician

And he went to George Washington University in D.C.

to pursue a graduate degree but bailed after just months and came back to the ranch in 1970.

Okay, he failed.

Okay, so he went back to his trophy room.

Yeah.

I can talk good.

Yeah.

He then joined the Idaho National Guard.

Okay.

And in 1970...

I think that's pretty cool.

That's what makes it an action verb.

And I think that's pretty cool.

It's probably the only thing you can do.

I think that's pretty cool.

It's probably the only thing you remember.

Oh, shut up.

Last night you gave me like a fucking, you were like, ooh, you pneumodicum.

Ooh, I did.

Yeah,

last night he said,

and the whole place came, it went quiet because everyone's like, wow.

That is not what happened.

Only you.

Only Dave was like, hold on a minute, boy.

Have you been opening those things with pages in them?

That's my work.

Go work on your Swedish accent, you fool.

In 1974, he ran for the state senate, and the incumbent had retired, so he runs unopposed.

Okay.

And he got 700 votes.

That's still, that's, why don't, can I do that?

Can I run unopposed?

Can we make a documentary called Running Unopposed?

Yes.

Where I just run for something unopposed?

All you have to do is be a Republican, and no Democrat runs against you anywhere.

Well, I'm out.

He opened a donut shop.

Uh-huh, sure.

Oh, sorry.

He serves three terms in the state senate.

Okay.

And while he was in the state senate, he opened a donut shop called Donut Haus.

Donut Haus, like it's like a German, like okay, the Donut Haals.

With two other guys.

It went bankrupt in 1978.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's okay.

He ran for Congress in 1980, pivoting to

be more conservative for the Reagan Revolution.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Greatest president.

His Tem opponent brought up the bankruptcy because Larry had taken out a

$70,000 small business administration loan for the donut shop while being against bailouts.

But that's.

Look, this is what I think people need to understand.

If you're in government,

you love socialism for yourself.

It's just we don't get it.

Right?

So they,

there's a safety net for you, and when we need it, go fuck yourself.

Yeah.

I wish they just had a modicum of, oh, never mind.

So Larry won with 54% of the vote, because it was a big Reagan.

Because he's a Reagan guy, sure.

He's a classic Reagan Republican.

He wants to sell the public land, make people on food stamps work, balance the budget, et cetera.

That just sounds big and beautiful to me.

So

he did sponsor a bill to ask Reagan to name a week as National Old Time Fiddlers Week.

What the actual fuck are you clapping for?

Did it happen?

You don't even know if it happened.

Listen to you, weirdos.

Did it happen?

Lady who came in super late knows everything.

Is there a National Fiddlers Week?

There's what?

Jesus Christ.

I was like, what is she talking about?

There's a pirate.

I mean, he's kind of a pirate.

He's an old guy with a pirate.

That is so.

That's what we call piracist.

Not just any guy who loses an eye as a buccaneer, you asshole.

Some of these people don't have fiddles.

Guys.

Look, if you don't have a fiddle, you could just be a person getting in the picture.

Excuse me, some of us are here to fuck the fiddlers.

Old time.

No young fiddlers.

Get the fuck out of here with your young bullshit.

In the summer of 1982, CBS broke the news of gay sex between congressmen and underage congressional pages.

CBS interviewed a 17-year-old male page who said he had sex with congressmen.

A male page.

There were absolutely no allegations made that Larry was involved.

As far as anyone knows, he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

And the next day, he issued a public denial.

That's awesome.

I wasn't there.

We have learned that several congressmen are having sex with the person.

Well, not me.

Excuse me.

And I wasn't even near that.

Right.

I didn't even know they were doing that.

They are gay and with the other men gay.

I'm saying that we.

Who are they?

Hold on.

No.

No.

No.

Okay, we're not actually talking, we're just saying in Congress.

We don't know who any of the.

Oh, I don't know who they are either.

I have no idea.

I have no idea.

I don't know anything about it, and I wasn't there.

I'm not gay.

So let's stop that right now.

You know what I'm into?

Vagina.

That's a passion of mine.

When you say it like that, I disagree.

No, I love a bit of

grandma's old medicine.

What?

Vagina.

Vagina.

That's what we used to call it.

Did you say grandma's old medicine?

Well, it's not grandpa's.

That's disgusting.

And I just want to make sure you understand.

Trying to figure out if I was involved in that would be a waste of your time.

Because I wasn't.

I like ladies.

A lot, actually.

And I like men to do stuff to ladies.

But I don't want to watch.

And if I was, I'd be watching the woman.

For you see,

I'm not a guy who likes to be with men.

Quote, I have done nothing that I need to be either publicly or privately ashamed of.

I am guilty of no crime or impropriety, and I am convinced that this is an effort to damage my personal character and destroy my political.

Really?

Nobody was saying anything?

Nobody said anything to him.

No one said anything.

Of course, this caused the Idaho Statesman newspaper to question why he made that statement.

Oh, my God.

What are you even talking about?

I've already cleared this up.

Why are you even asking a question when I've already told you?

That's not something I'm into.

I like women a lot.

Yeah.

Here, go find me one.

I'll kiss her right now.

Okay, no, we're good.

And I love it.

I don't want to do any other stuff with her, though.

With you here.

Later.

I think I'll figure it out.

I don't think you will.

Oh, I think I'm going to be very good with it.

Yeah.

Don't come on knocking.

Okay.

Larry's district administrator said, quote, We do not know.

We do know there is no substance to them.

I mean, he's a farmer and rancher from Midvale, for God's sake.

So, what do they think?

He can't be out there.

gay he's airborne he's not in the water in mid-vale like an M-Night Shyamalan movie

do you see that mist

look out some of the city gays coming it's airborne well the corn's ruined it's gone gay this year

what are you talking about papa it's inedible

His mom and dad wrote a letter to the Idaho statesman chastising the paper for its coverage.

This is

okay.

Because they were like, Why are you saying you're not gay when you're doing it?

I didn't.

Why do you keep saying the word gay around me?

Larry said he had to come out and deny it because there were a lot of people.

I'm coming out

and denying it.

Let me finish.

Good lord.

Can a man take a breath before the rest of his sentence?

I've never felt so good and free about coming out

As a straight man.

He had to come out and deny it because a reporter had questioned him.

But the New York Post said they just asked him standard stuff, like, have you heard anything?

Who have you heard about?

Any names mentioned?

No.

He denied something no one accused him of.

No.

Larry.

Now feels boxed in, so he asks the FBI to interview him.

Get your best gay squad on me.

Not like, hold on, I said that wrong.

Get.

Can you imagine?

Like, the FBI probably went from speakerphone to like, hold on, what are you asking for?

I want a group of you to come interview me about being gay, which I'm not, and I'll say that.

We're kind of busy with other stuff.

Yeah, I just need like two guys down.

Doesn't need to be guys, can be girls too, but I don't know if they're

ideally guys, younger ones.

But

come down here interview me I'll deny the whole thing try me right now ask me if I'm gay and and they should have mustaches yeah

ask me if I'm gay are you gay

no

The FBI report said Larry went on record stating he had never had sex with either a page or, quote, engaged in a homosexual relationship with any person.

It's a lot of of smoke.

It's weird.

Absolutely weird.

Well, it gets weirder.

Larry then hired a polygraph examiner to give him a test.

I was literally going to suggest that he takes a poly.

This is crazy.

I mean, I'm not gay.

Jesus, what the fuck?

I'm from fucking Midvale.

I'm a farmer.

The examiner concluded, quote,

This was weird.

This whole thing was super strange.

I honestly don't understand it.

He asked himself the questions.

I just stood there.

The examiner concluded, quote, Craig is not a homosexual.

Proof.

Case fucking closed.

Jesus Christ.

He's holding up the paper.

Look at that.

Look at how balanced I was during that question there.

He gets the newspaper headline framed and put on his wall.

Well, well, wow.

Looks like somebody's not at all gay.

Isn't that right?

Larry then sent the statesman his military records to counter rumors that he left the National Guard because he was gay.

The record said he was honorably discharged for having flat feet.

Which was really disappointing because I couldn't go to the gay clubs and date, or nothing, nothing.

Okay, so

just

outsider POV, it seems like Larry's not gay.

I mean,

at this point,

every gay person in America is like, oh my god, he's so fucking gay.

And

they're like, oh no,

he's gay.

So later, the page,

the 17-year-old page came forward and said,

later he comes out and says he made it all up.

Oh, okay.

But in 1983, the Ethics Committee recommended reprimands for two congressmen, a Democrat and a Republican, for having sex with pages.

It wasn't criminal because the age of consent in D.C.

DC

was 16 and the pages were 17.

Wait say that again yeah

so two two

I think I'm gay

two congressmen had sex with pages

and the pages were 17 and that's consent in DC 16 legal I'm not saying you know what hey you're puritanical

I'm saying, and that was okay,

question mark.

Jeez, stop talking.

I just can't believe you're saying it's okay.

No.

It's not okay.

Oh, thank you.

But the legal age

you're saying

was 16.

So it's, yeah, so they can't kick him out of Congress because,

I mean, they should have.

But and they're just male pages.

I think they were both just male pages.

Yeah, because I guarantee you there were like a lot of like underage women who were like

pardon?

Yeah.

No, that's fine.

But

so the page banging, 100% happening.

A year later, Craig married and adopted

adopted married a woman and adopted her kids, three kids.

See?

That'd be a pretty crazy move for a gay man to make, wouldn't it be?

Look at that.

Susan.

Poor Susan.

Poor, poor Susan.

As Larry's cutting that cake, like,

oh.

I'm still going to eat it.

Maybe I shouldn't have followed Reagan.

I'm going to get my cake and eat it too.

You know what I mean, honey?

Who was the guy?

What?

The guy who just came up here and handed me wine.

Who was he?

No one did that.

That didn't happen.

Oh, dear.

No one did that.

It was my page?

It was pretty cute.

Rumors quickly began.

Sir, shut up.

Rumors quickly began that it was a sham marriage to derail gay rumors.

Larry supported any anti-gay legislation that came along.

I mean, that.

And

he went after Barney Frank.

Frank was a Massachusetts congressman who came out as gay in 1987.

Now,

so what had happened with Barney was he had hired a male escort and they became close over time, as you do.

It's like a pretty woman.

Well, you finally meet someone who looks at you and is like, I like you.

What?

What's it like?

You got to pay.

You got to pay to play, buddy.

I'll pay.

I have paid.

How much to pretend you like me?

We don't even need to do anything.

There's not enough to do.

I just put on the dollop.

Will you just enjoy this in front of me?

Oh, my God.

I'm pausing.

Can I bring an escort?

Amp it up a little, will you?

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Hiring an escort to listen to your own podcast with you?

Yeah.

And then I pay her more to just laugh harder.

I'm on a good run.

She's like, I can't fake it that much.

I'm out of money.

All right, so Barney hires a male escort.

He falls in love with them, it sounds like.

He moves in with Frank.

Frank is paying for the...

Escort's living, basically, right?

Everything he wants.

But then he finds out the escort is still escorting on the side so frank gets mad and kicks him out so the escort now goes and tries to get a bidding war going for his story but no one bites and and the washington times ends up printing it for free cool that's cool There are then calls for a house investigation into Barney Frank.

Some believe he had used public money to pay for the escort, which is the issue.

But, you know, they're making it up.

Yeah, they're making it up.

Yeah, like he's going to be like,

I'm not going to pay this $200.

I'm getting this out of someone write me a government check.

Make it out to

sexy Bill.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's going to be a bit difficult for me to make out that check for you.

That's my body Frank impressed him.

I can't believe that this F-court had betrayed me.

So House Minority Whip Newt Gingrich did not want Republicans.

I can't wait for the end of this.

Go ahead.

I guess we're booing great Americans now.

Is that what we're doing?

Yeah.

So he does not want Republicans to go after Frank, but Larry is on the ethics committee and he is demanding that it happen.

Well, there's a gay man in the house.

We need to stop it.

So Republicans start floating rumors that Gingrich is trying to avoid going after Frank because Frank and his people were

because Frank and his people were threatening to name all the closeted gays in Congress in both parties.

So they're saying that, yeah, so

there's a lot of gay members of Congress that are in the closet and

Frank's like, if you come after me, I'll fucking out all you Republican hypocrites.

Because a Democrat being gay is fine because they're not

passing laws to fuck with gay people.

But anytime a Republican is gay, they should be outed.

Yes.

And then burned alive.

Because they're Republican.

Right, not because they're

legislative.

Not only because they're gay, because they're Republican.

Come on.

We only burn Republicans alive, you guys.

My God.

I can't believe any of you.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to stop you.

Isn't that scary?

Why does it sound like every person in the audience also has a microphone?

Well, guess what?

They used to build theaters better.

That's why, Gareth.

So Gingrich eventually wins, and Frank was just censored for fixing parking tickets for the escort.

For fixing parking tickets?

Yeah, he got them out of parking tickets.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Who paid for the fucking escort's parking tickets?

Also, I'd be like, look, just park closer to where I live.

Right?

Just fucking park where it's legal.

I said, park me in.

You can park behind my car.

But Larry Craig's final vote was for more punishment.

So he was like, I'm not gay.

Just can't stop.

So after four terms in the House, he runs for the Senate in 1989.

Now, he's all about passing a balanced budget amendment, but was also very opposed to tax increases.

He's into guns and digging up minerals and getting more oil and logging the forests.

So he won 61% of the vote.

He wins.

You guys love that here.

What the fuck?

And now he is a senator.

The Idaho statesman asked Larry about an allegation that he was gay made by his opponent in the Senate race, and Larry said, Why don't you ask my wife

who I am fucking

ask my wife if I give her dick all the time.

Huh?

Mr.

Paperman.

Ask my wife.

I mean, that's what he's saying, right?

It's amazing.

It's just.

He's.

Oh, fuck.

And look, he's a classic Republican.

In 1991, he blamed environmentalists for causing the Exxon Valdez

oil spill.

Well, to be fair, I mean,

think about it.

If they hadn't stopped all the precious pipelines well, yeah, they wouldn't have to use ships

Well, if it's an oil company's fault, why wasn't the vessel named after an oil company?

I don't know what he's talking about

What the fuck is happening tonight?

I just want you to have that is this are you just people from the audience

Are we that are we that available to be murdered on stage?

Thank you

Like,

have you?

This is how Caesar dies.

Okay, number one, you are not Caesar.

Stop it.

You're nothing like Caesar.

And they all keep going back through that portal back there.

Okay.

Continue on no, it's too long.

We're not gonna read it.

You know what?

We're gonna set that precedent that if someone comes on stage and gives us a letter, we read it like Santa

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, good instincts

quote

had the environmentalists

Let a pipeline be built, there would never have been a chance for a drunken captain to get his hands on that oil.

Oh, I forgot he was drunk.

He's that drunk.

Yeah, he was ripped.

Oh, yeah.

Well, now, I mean, I'm not so mad at it.

Yeah, I know.

You feel sorry for me.

It was just a little greased up.

He wanted to have a nip.

Yeah, he's out there nipping.

Larry said he preferred the

U.S.

drill for

oil in Alaska's National Wildlife Refuge.

Oh, he'd rather do that.

Yeah, than men.

But didn't the X-Xine, the Exxon guy came out and he was like,

I never had a drink in my life.

I'll take a lie detector about it.

I'm not drunk I am.

If I'm so drunk as this half-drunk bottle of Jim Beam,

if I drink it.

Exactly.

Look at all those birds.

That's where, that's the first time when I was like, wait, what's I was like, what are we doing?

What's going on?

And they were like, we're trying to clean the oil off of all these birds.

And you're like, is this a good thing we're doing?

better than solar yeah and that's why that's why dawn now has ducks on their their packaging because they're just yeah yeah that's where it started dawn dawn was like for a while dawn was like we're the oil spill dishwashing liquid

And everyone was like, okay.

And then that transferred to two ducks are now on their bottle.

And you're like, why are there two ducks?

It's like, well, when we completely ruin the oceans, Dawn really gets the grease out.

Right?

What are your plastic bottles made out of?

Ducks.

So

the Idaho Democratic senator responded to this and said Craig's logic was twisted, but then he immediately praised Larry for working to get the lower Salmon River federally protected.

Because that's a Democrat.

They can't just go, no, he's fucking crazy.

They got to go, he's crazy.

But one time he helped a river.

Larry strongly opposed prohibiting job discrimination against gays and strongly opposed expanding hate crime legislation to include crimes against gays, and strongly supported legislation and a constitutional amendment to prohibit same-sex marriage.

Ugh.

Yeah, I mean, the manifestation of thou doth protest too much

in 1995 at New Hampshire Senator Bob Smith's birthday party, four senators sang happy birthday.

And when they were asked to sing at another event, one said no, and Larry stepped in.

What?

Oh my god, and he's with fucking

John Ashcroft.

Who sang who sang that, like, wrote the song about the eagle?

Oh, the threesome here.

Oh, hi, everybody.

We're the totally unfuckables.

We're here to give you tonight a red edition.

This is going to be unbelievable.

Songs called, I'm Not Gay, I've Never Been Gay, and I don't even know what it is.

Trent Lott said he formed the singing group to improve relations between right and moderate Republicans.

Right?

We want to cover the spectrum

of complete, total fascist lunacy to pretty bad.

They were called the singing senators.

Oh, fuck me.

They sang Elvira at a Kennedy Center fundraiser.

What is that?

Elviru.

Is that real?

Elvira, yeah.

Okay, how does it go?

Let's see if I can pull it up here.

I mean, I can't sing it for you, but I would love for you to sing it.

I don't think this thing is loud enough.

I'm not hearing myself enough.

You're a Westerner.

This is called a country western song.

Okay, so it's already an old man who can't hear.

That's how this started.

It was an old man going, I can't hear in my what?

Okay.

We're going to

get it guys to Elvira here.

Elvira.

Elvira

My heart's on fire

Elvira

It's pretty good

she's got eyes that look like diamonds

Lips like cherry wine

That girl sure enough make my little heart shine

I got a funny feel

up and down my spine

because I know that my Elvira's mine,

I'm not gay, I'm not gay.

Elvira,

my heart's on fire,

Elvira.

Oh my god, end it.

Giddy up, oh, bop,

It's pretty good.

It is pretty good.

It makes me think of how like Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries should start something.

A poetry jam.

No, they should go singing.

It'd be great.

That was pretty good.

I'm not going to lie.

I mean, aside from everything else outside of there, that was okay.

It's a shame they're human demons.

So

that was Elvira at the Kennedy Center, which was at a fundraiser, which was put on by Ray Ivey of Consolidated Natural Gas.

Well, that's not fun anymore.

They perform with the Oak Ridge Boys in Branson, Missouri.

Sure.

So they're, you know, his life is great.

Things are good.

Things are good.

In 1996, they sang at the Republican Convention.

In 1998, they released an album called Let Freedom Sing.

Oh, this fucking, this freedom shit.

The fuck are you talking about?

But when Bush became president,

Ashcroft became attorney general, so he left the group in 2001.

So the group ended.

Oh, Ashcroft.

They ended.

Ashcroft was that good.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

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October, thanks, Dave.

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Before Bush became president, Bill Clinton was consumed by the Monica Lewinsky scandal in which he got blowjobs from an intern and once put a cigar in her vagina, removed it, put it in his mouth, and said, quote, it tastes good.

Hey, our hero.

Democrats.

It's like, I didn't put a cigar in her pussy, just ask my wife.

How could I be a sexual assaulter?

I'm married.

It's impossible.

He was 49, she was 22.

Oh, man.

But I bet he was really empathetic and really counseled her through it and didn't.

And that the media didn't ruin her or Jay Leno.

Oh, he didn't put it it in the thing.

Okay.

So

obviously this consumes everything.

Republicans are trying to impeach Clinton.

It's led by Gingrich,

who at the time is having an affair with Callista Bissick, a house aide, and told his wife he wanted an open marriage.

And didn't he leave his wife on her deathbed?

No, I think that was the first wife he did that to.

Oh, right, yeah.

He said to his wife, quote, you want me all to yourself.

Callista doesn't care what I do.

The idea that he, like, I need to be able to play the field.

Look at me.

Look at all that cum I have stored in my torso.

Call me NASA because I'm going to be shooting rockets all over D.C.

The idea that this man leaves anyone is shocking, let alone because the new woman will let him fuck others.

Well, it's not fair to keep that to yourself.

Oh, God.

God made so much of me to spread around.

Jesus.

So

their affair was well known in the house for years.

Everybody knew.

So now he's

telling us he's been after Clinton.

Which, again, he's no fucking hero, obviously.

No, they're both awful.

So then he marries Callista.

Oh, and the representative Callista worked for was outed gay Republican Steve Gunderson.

Oh, okay.

So

what's the connection?

Well, just because the whole thing is.

It's just that

they're all legislating against what they actually are.

That's another level of fucking bullshit.

So Larry comes out and says,

I can't find it.

So he comes out and says terrible things about Clinton.

He's like, you know.

Yeah, he's like, he's missed.

Yeah, he's the institution of marriage, it's unchristian, it's blah, blah, blah, all that shit.

Something like that.

So the Senate certainly can bring about a censure resolution.

And it's a slap on the wrist.

It's a bad boy, Bill Clinton.

You're a naughty boy.

You're a bad boy, Bill Clinton.

You're a naughty boy.

You're a bad boy, Bill.

You're a naughty boy.

Allow me to use that huge hand.

Ah, Bill, you're such a bad boy, Bill.

I mean, that is.

Let me get that cigar.

Ew, tastes nasty.

He is clearly thinking about.

Boy, I mean, again,

not that we have to bottom line the idea that

who could give a fuck be gay.

Who gives a fuck?

I don't want to.

I don't know what you.

Not you.

No, but I'm just not gay.

Like, I don't have to be gay.

But watching this play out over decades in public is torturous.

Yeah.

You're just like, you.

But he's raised.

He's a farmer.

I know he can't be gay.

He's a farmer.

He can't be gay.

But like he's raised very religious.

And that's what this comes down to.

Yeah, that's wrong.

Methodist.

Okay, so Larry got an industry partnership award by the Mining and Minerals Education Foundation for his work on behalf of mining companies.

Nice.

What a great senator.

That same year, he voted against a bill to extend a federal definition of hate crimes to cover sexual orientation.

He took in thousands of dollars in donations from Enron.

A year after 9-11, he said there were probably Al-Qaeda cells in Idaho.

It's true.

It's true.

Al-Qaeda cells in Idaho.

It's true.

Oh, God.

Where else would they go?

Can you imagine?

I mean, honestly, the idea that they would be here.

I know it's so funny.

The plan is pretty simple.

We'll go to one of the whitest parts of America

where we will blend in perfectly at their Walgreens, at their Albertsons.

He was opposed to Iraq at first, but then he came around saying,

Saddam himself is a weapon of mass destruction.

A review of the weapons issue is fine, but not the continued haranguing from war critics who underestimated the prospects for success in Iraq.

Yeah,

well, we've been eating a lot of crow.

Anti-bigot.

Yep.

In both 2004 and 2006, Larry co-sponsored constitutional amendments to ban same-sex marriage.

Both failed.

In September 2006, a gay man said he was in a men's restroom at the Denver airport

when a man in the next stall moved his hand his hand slowly palm up under the divider.

Yep.

Which we all know is the universal sign for toilet paper.

Freaked out, the man waited outside the restroom and recognized the palm-upper when he came out.

It was Senator Larry Craig.

But wait, didn't he...

Was this the...

Is there another incident after this?

I don't know.

Okay.

By the way, imagine cruising at the Denver airport.

Like, I've been to the Denver airport.

The last place you want to see what's going on in anyone's pants is the airport.

The sounds coming out of the Denver airport men's room.

It's so hot.

The amount of times where I've been like, oh my God, the shit line at the men's room at the Denver airport.

I can't go in there and not get on.

Every time I go in there.

Hard as a fucking rock.

There should be a line of women who want to remain celibate, straight women women who want to remain celibate at the Denver airport.

And just shove them in there.

Yeah, I know.

And just watch the men waiting, like, are you almost done shitting?

It's so hot.

It smells like farts inside of urine.

It's just sex.

Pure sex.

It's just cattle.

Oh, and he's there like, you want to fuck?

In 2006, Trent Lott and Craig announced they were putting the singing senators quartet back together.

Fuck yeah.

They had two really solid prospects, Senator Bennett and Senator Thune.

Larry quotes, Senator Thune has a lovely tenor voice.

Beautiful mouth.

So around this time, there is a gay blogger named Mike Rogers.

His blog was called Blogged Active, and he outed closeted Republicans who voted against gay rights.

Great.

So Rogers went on the Ed Schultz show, the radio show, and claimed Larry had gay encounters and accused him of gross hypocrisy, quote, without a doubt in my mind, I am absolutely solid about the sources.

The greatest defense against libel and slander is the truth.

So he says he's done extensive research and he's taken trips to the Pacific Northwest and he's interviewed men who said they had sex with Larry.

But did they talk to his wife?

He has a wife.

You know, that means you can't be gay.

Good for him.

By the way, on the Ed Schultz radio show, Ed Schultz had a show on MSNBC that was canceled when he talked about how going into Iraq was a bad idea.

Wow.

Way to bum everybody out.

So he also said he met a guy in D.C.

who said the same thing.

And a guy said he'd had sex with Larry in the bathrooms at DC's Union Station.

Oh my God, it's worse than the Denver airport.

Larry's staff said that Larry...

Larry's staff said Larry is married.

And the accusations have no basis.

In fact, he's married.

Yeah, I know.

He took a fucking lie detector to me.

No, no, no.

Hold on a minute.

I bet, now, just because I bet there's some people listening who are saying he could be hiding the fact that he's having a gay lifestyle outside of his marriage.

No, he can't.

Because we said so.

Right.

And he made a promise.

Right.

To a woman

who's in hell.

And once a year on the anniversary, Larry gets some sort of secret injection into his ball bag so that his penis will stay hard for eight minutes and he fake orgasms inside of this poor lady.

He's not gay.

And he married a briefcase.

A woman, a mayor, he's married to a woman.

He's married to a woman.

For the love of God,

it's crazy.

The Idaho statesman then began an investigation.

Oh, for God's sake, he's married.

About this time, on the congressional website called Congress Cooks,

Larry unveiled the famous Idaho super tuber recipe.

Take a whole Idaho potato and core it, then slide an entire hot dog into the wet, moist hole

from the back

and bake it.

This guy likes hot dogs too much.

I mean, he's just...

He's crying to be outed.

In May 2007, after several months of investigation, questioning 300 people,

the Idaho statesman sat down with Larry and his wife and asked Larry if he had been doing it with dudes.

I'm married.

He told the paper he had never had sex with a man

and you know his wife's right there.

So comfortable for her.

He said, quote, I've been in this business 27 years in the public eye here.

I don't go around hitting on men.

And by God, if I did, I wouldn't do it in Boise Idaho, Jiminy.

I wouldn't do it in Boise.

I'd do it in Mansey.

I'm not going to fuck here.

I'm going to fuck at some weird airport or something.

I wouldn't do it here.

I'd do it in the the Denver airport and put my hand under the stall like a pauper begging for pecker.

Terminal three

Terminal three outside the Delta.

Good lord.

Desk

If a man drinks at the water fountain for 30 seconds or more and goes in the bathroom, then maybe you go in and follow him in.

Let me ask you this.

If you suck a man's dick and picture it as your wife, is that gay?

I didn't think so.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prep for Tuber Month.

I do mouth kegels.

Oh, stop it.

Disgusting.

So now, Larry plays.

I bet he does.

Sorry.

The statesman plays an audio recording of a man describing having sex with Larry.

It was really bad because he kept saying, this isn't gay.

The man was a Republican who said they did blowjobs in bathrooms.

I like the way you put the.

That's like how eight-year-old me would say it.

Those guys did blowjobs in bathrooms.

Okay.

As the recording played,

Larry's wife teared up and said,

quote,

I'm incensed that you would even consider such a piece of trash as a credible source.

And then Larry yelled, Jiminy God!

This guy's got to stop saying Jiminy so fucking much.

Jiminy, Jiminy, I'm bringing it back.

In June 2007, Larry had been in the Senate for 18 years.

Ashcroft, Larry, and Lott put on a performance of the singing senators.

And was Santorum one of them?

No, Larry said it's now a trio.

Lot often compared being gay to alcoholism, kleptomania, and sexual addiction.

So that's one of the guys in his singing group.

On June 11th, Larry was flying from D.C.

to Idaho and had a stopover at the Minneapolis airport.

I love a laid-over.

He stopped to drop a deuce in a bathroom.

Did he?

But before he went in the stall, as we do, and ladies don't know this, but you're in a male bathroom.

Yeah.

You stop and you look through the crack of the stall next year's for about two minutes.

Yeah, and

I don't know where you're going, but allow me to jump in.

We like to look at it, and if you're in there, you like it when people see you like that.

That's

it's awesome.

Whether Whether you're the showman or the one watching the performance, both are awesome.

It's

you at your best moment, and whenever you see that little eyeball go up there like it's a retinal scan, it's awesome.

Yeah.

And you go like, no, and someone's like, oh, sorry.

And you're like, it's fine.

That's cool.

That's right.

So we do a scan.

Go ahead.

It's called a man scan.

Go ahead.

Then,

he went into the stall next door and sat down.

Yeah, and by the way, just to be clear, if there's other empty stalls, you still want to go as close to the other fella doing the stuff.

Right.

It's very important that you kind of, we call it the buddy system in there.

And it's not crazy to be a little chatty with your bud.

Your colons will sync up.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I don't know, and I don't know if women know it, but it's based on the moon.

Yeah.

That's right.

So he taps his foot several times.

Yeah, well, again, he's a showman.

He's a music man.

He's probably thinking of Elvira.

And the man in the other stall would later say, quote, I could hear several unknown persons in the restroom that appeared to be using the restroom for its intended use.

Well, that's a,

by the way, that's a great way of putting it.

There were other people in there doing what they thought, doing what we are used to doing in there.

And then one guy who had a different agenda.

So he's in the bathroom.

The men are making regular man noises.

Larry then locker room talks.

He bumps feet.

With the man in the next stall.

Yeah.

Which happens.

That's like the kid and play.

That's just like standard bathroom stuff.

Anyway, they're tapping feet, which I love.

I do that sometimes.

Another guy in a stall.

Okay, hold on.

It's just like a foot five.

It's fine.

You're like, hey, cool.

Hey, nice shitting over there.

And that guy's like, hey, man, you'll start shitting soon.

That's awesome.

And you're like,

thanks, brother.

That means a lot to me right now.

Hey, man, I heard that thing flush.

Are you done?

No, man, it just went off on its own.

I dropped my phone and I had to pick it up.

And that thing thought I was done.

Hey, man, hang in there.

Make sure to white your bubb cheeks because they might be wet now.

That's a really good point, my man.

Okay, so Larry bumps feet with the guy.

In the next stall.

Is this who you named your dog after?

Yeah.

and then he swipes his hand under the stall like he did in Denver.

Yeah, but he keeps speaking ones without any TP.

Well, this is, yeah, this is just I need toilet paper.

You got any TP?

And then he does it again.

Got any TP?

And then he does it a third time.

Come on, man.

I need some TP.

This is just normal stuff.

And then Larry said, quote, Next thing I knew, under the bathroom divider comes a card that says police.

And Larry yelled, No!

Jiminy!

I gotta tell you, look,

I'm not pro-law enforcement, but the under-the-stall badge drop

is fucking awesome.

Just they let him do three swipes, too, to like, yeah, keep going, motherfucker.

Yeah, and then be like, oh, I get it.

Uh-huh.

And he's like,

am I about to suck a cop's dick?

Tell me you're in the YMCA.

Tell me you're in the YMCA.

Tell me you're village people guy.

So

he had the misfortune of bumming feet with an undercover cop who was in a toilet stall because there had been complaints.

of men having sex in that public restroom in the Lindbergh terminal.

The police had already made 41 arrests.

That's fucking...

All right, I got a couple things.

So first of all, there is a forum.

There is an internet forum that's like, go to fucking stall four in the Lindbergh terminal.

Also, the idea that he probably picked that layover to be like, that's the best place.

And then they were probably like,

the travel agent was like, oh, we have a layover of an hour.

He's like, anything like six, seven hours you got to go?

Like, I'll hang out there.

But on top of that, fucking shout out to anyone who works undercover, sitting in an airport shitter all day.

Like, they must have had one of those ceremonies where that dude got some metal and he like walked out like

What's going on there with your leg?

Unfortunately my leg doesn't work too.

I had to sit

20 hours one day in the Lindbergh terminal in

Minneapolis bumping feet with people who work in government legislating against their own personal interests

because they've been taken into a neo-fascist cult pretending that that's the only way to survive.

He was taken to the airport police station.

Also hilarious.

Larry.

APD.

Larry handed the cop his U.S.

Senator business card and said, quote, what do you think about that?

I think you're a real fucking prick for saying that you don't like A people.

The cop just was the cop just asked for his driver's license and told him he could plead guilty and go home or plead not guilty and deal with what comes.

Oh.

So he was charged with peeping and disorderly conduct, a gross misdemeanor.

Very gross.

Very gross.

Look at his flag pin.

Fuck.

So can we get rid of the flag pin now?

That's how I know to fuck him.

He was photographed, fingerprinted, and released, and he went about his way back home to his wife, back to his life.

I wonder when he told her.

On June 22nd, probably on the return flight, he came back to the airport police station to complain about the way he was treated.

And I might be in the bathroom for a little while.

And he said he wanted information from them for his lawyer.

And on August 1st, Larry signed and mailed a guilty plea.

and paid a $575 fine.

Which, by the way,

for whatever they're, I mean,

okay, yeah, you're a senator.

Yeah.

Part of the plea stated that he was not innocent, so he has to say, I'm definitely guilty.

Right.

And on August 27th, Roll Call published a story about Larry's arrest.

The next day, the Idaho statements dropped the results of their gay Larry investigation.

It included the dude from the fraternity, a guy who said Larry cruised him at the Boise REI in 1994.

Boise.

Who knew that was such a hot bed?

You need a spotter?

Anyone need a spotter?

Just putting chalk on his hand.

He said Larry followed him around RAI for about 30 minutes.

That's fucking crazy.

You look at canoes?

You look at the canoes?

What?

What's that?

You like canoes?

What?

What?

You want to get a canoe?

You want a bicycle?

No, I don't need it.

Do you work here?

No.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'm figuring out what I need.

Camping, you like, okay, you want want to go camping equipment?

You want to check out camping equipment?

So I'm curious, what is your role?

Do you have this tent here?

What is your role here at REI?

See if it's comfortable.

See if you can sleep in your campaign.

I don't need a tent.

I'm not here for a tent.

What is your role here at REI?

Hey.

You know what my role is?

Yeah.

Blue eyes.

Yeah,

I'm...

I'm good, dude.

I'm just shopping, okay?

Oh, you're good.

You've been following me for 30 minutes around REI.

Like, that's crazy.

You want to go to the airport?

Why would I go to the airport?

I'm in a fucking REI.

Just saying, airport's pretty hot right now.

I'm just gonna, I'm looking for an algene.

You go to the bathroom ever?

What do you mean?

What is your question?

Just asking, you go to the, you ever go to

airport bathrooms?

No.

No, I don't travel a lot.

No, I'm here for rock climbing, so I'm gonna

get out of here.

Leave me alone.

For real.

REI.

Huh?

Just saying.

Did you just say REI?

Yeah.

So do you work here?

I don't know.

Why do you keep saying REI?

Maybe I work here in some way.

Do you work here?

I'll tell you what, you don't look like you work here because you're wearing a fucking suit with a flag pin.

So I don't think you do work here.

Should I put the pole up?

Put the pole up?

Flip the flag over so the pole's up.

Should I put it up?

What, like you're mailing something?

The staff.

the hard part of the flag should I put it up

should I

I'll tell you one thing yeah this is the weirdest REI I've ever been to

There was also a 40 year old.

I'll check out the 10.

Okay.

Also, the 40-year-old Republican who said he had sex at DC's Union Station.

So that day, Larry holds a press conference.

Hilarious.

Jesus Christ.

This dude needs us to stop being on record.

Hey, Larry, less is more.

If he just sang Elvira.

Elvira.

Elvira.

Where's Trent Lott?

Where are my friends?

Thank you all very much for coming out today.

I will read a statement.

First,

please let me apologize to my family, friends, and staff and fellow Idahoans for the cloud placed over Idaho.

The cloud he got over Idaho.

Why would he apologize?

Can you guys hear it at all?

Yeah, you can be good kind of.

So, why would you apologize for, but you didn't do anything?

Well, I think it's because he was entrapped.

Okay.

And so he's brought a lot of negativity because of all this gay stuff that he's not involved in.

At the Minneapolis airport,

I did nothing wrong, and I regret the decision to plead guilty, and the sadness that decision has brought on my wife, my family, friends, staff, and fellow Idahoans.

And for that, I apologize.

In June, I overreacted and made a poor decision.

While I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Minneapolis airport or anywhere else, I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in hopes of making it go away.

I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, staff, friends, or family.

That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it.

Because of that,

I have now retained counsel, and I am asking counsel to review this matter and to advise me on how to proceed.

You know, you know who, you know, here's the thing.

He opens it by saying he did nothing wrong.

And you know who agrees that he did nothing wrong?

Are your friends on the left, Larry?

We agree.

You didn't do anything.

Maybe you're cruising in a bat, but there are people who accept you for you.

You just refuse to join the people who actually will give you empathy, and you decide to stick in your fucking weirdo cult and pretend your whole life is something that you're not.

So he goes on to blame the Idaho statesmen for relentlessly and viciously harassing him.

And he ended by saying, quote, I am not gay and never have been gay.

That is iconic.

I remember that one.

I'm not gay.

I never have been gay.

Like, one of them will work, Larry.

I'm not gay.

I never have been gay.

I never tried gay.

I've never been with a gay.

I'm not a gay.

But he now has to step down as a senator liaison with Mitt Romney's presidential campaign.

Mitt said, quote, he's disappointed the American people.

Which is also

Larry, yeah, you know, but Larry.

They're fucking, that's who they are.

Didn't, I don't want to ruin anything, but didn't he have an excuse for why he was, didn't he say?

We'll get there.

Okay.

Larry would later say Mitt

threw him under his campaign bus and quote backed up and ran over me again.

Well, you'd still rather be that than the dog he left on the roof for six hours driving through the mountains.

The statesman called for him to resign.

The Minneapolis airport cops then released the audio of his interview, and that made the story go fucking crazy.

One big reason being that during the interview, Larry said when he shit, he had a wide stance to keep his pants from falling down.

I have a wide stance.

Which may have been

Combine.

Like, he's a training camp.

I have a wide stance.

I have a wide stance when going up.

What are you?

I mean, the idea.

Yeah, I gotta, I'm launching.

I sort of, I really,

when I go to the bathroom, it's like this.

Yeah.

Mostly.

I either.

I call it the bird.

I do a wide chaplain, or sometimes I do the catcher.

You don't do the catcher?

Not in that way.

I have a wide stance.

I do what they call sumoing.

So Republicans now start turning on him and saying he should resign.

McCain, Susan Collins, but Arlen Specter.

But I'm not sure if he should resign.

Arlen Spector said he should withdraw the guilty plea and fight it.

McConnell and Lott asked him to step down

as the top Republican in three committees, which he did.

Right.

So stay in the party, just don't be pressed.

Yeah, don't.

On September 1st, he held another press conference and said he would resign as of September 30th.

What year?

This is 2006, I think.

Okay.

Maybe seven.

But on September 10th, his lawyers filed a motion to withdraw his guilty plea, saying it was, quote,

not knowing and intelligent and therefore was in violation of his constitutional rights.

So the New York Times is now running headlines about Republicans who are saying they're disowning him.

They're like, done with him.

For those of you listening, the signs read, it's 12.15 p.m.

Do you know which stall your senator's in?

Craig is a nasty, naughty boy,

and Craig is not gay.

He's a pervert.

The late night shows and other shows made endless jokes about Larry's wide stance.

Larry got two of his kids to go on, well, adopted kids, on ABC's Good Morning America.

And they said their dad isn't gay.

That is fucking child abuse.

No, they're adults now.

That's still child abuse.

Making your fucking kid...

My dad has never jerked a guy off.

What?

I can't say that.

Talk about a Hail Mary, yeah.

I mean, honestly, imagine like if you would,

if your dad was like, will you tell these people that I'm not gay?

Uh, all right,

I feel like it's possible.

Okay, what if they get what if they start grilling me?

Like, I don't even know he's not gay.

Because my dad,

I want my dad begs the shit out of my mom.

I hear it, I hear it.

I hear it

the whole time.

He's talking shit, he's telling her to change because he's fucking

alpha in there, dude.

Trust me, dude.

There's no buy at most.

So his son, Michael Craig, said his dad was a victim of circumstance who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Over and over again.

And the two kids said they sat down with their dad and he told them the truth and looked him in the eye.

Looked them in the eye.

Yep.

Michael, now probably not a great character witness because two women had restraining orders against him.

One for breaking a woman's nose and he was once charged with statutory rape.

Larry's other kid, Shay, had a warrant warrant out for her arrest for breaking into her ex-husband's house and destroying his property.

Well,

look, that, look,

what does that prove besides their characters completely in question?

You're being pretty unfair, my guy.

Larry, Ben Larry and his wife had to issue a statement to ABC News, quote, Let her stop.

Senator Craig and his wife said, raising children in their teens and as they become adults is never an easy task.

Few people have gone through life without a few bumps.

So now he's throwing his kids into like

he's just ruined his kids lives.

This guy's truly, this is what's crazy.

This guy's in charge of like government strategy.

And all he's doing is screaming without words, actions that he's gay and then making his throwing his kids under the bus.

Yeah, Michael broke a woman's nose, but

kids go through a few bumps.

It's a couple bumps, okay?

We've all been there.

But the scandal helped salmon.

Larry, what?

Salmon.

Salmon?

Larry was a very powerful politician who backed big oil and big timber, and leaving the committees left a void so Democrats are able to push legislation to preserve endangered salmon.

That's why the world is dying.

The Minneapolis airport announced the bathroom where Larry was arrested would get stall partitions down to the floor.

By the way,

that's great.

That's the best thing he got done in Congress in the Senate.

That is a way better experience.

And some places they ended up putting like little ways to cover the little slit there, yeah, which is the best.

Because

I know how to pop it out, yeah, I know, I definitely, yeah,

yeah,

but that was because the bathroom had become a tourist destination.

A common question at the information counter at the airport was:

Can you please tell me where the Larry Craig bathroom is?

I want to visit it.

But, okay, so here's my question though.

So

how are you having sex in there?

Like

is one guy getting up on the toilet?

But then the other guy, so the other guy, is he supposed to look like he's peeing?

That's not me.

I will tell you.

Somebody really knows.

I know.

My gay hairdresser buddy told me one time about

a Macy's that was a total cruising destination.

And what he said was that you would buy something cheap and get a big bag.

And you'd get two big bags and then you'd put your feet in the bags.

So if someone looked under, they'd just see two bags and both sets of feet were in the bags.

To which I said, genius.

That's why the gays should be running everything and not.

Yes.

and not these gays.

That's the real ones.

Genius.

Genius.

He was like, you buy a fucking pair of socks.

He's like, you're up there, you bank fucking in.

Because they were looking.

So if anyone looks in there, they're like, oh, those bags are just shuffling around a little bit.

Hey, that Macy's bag is squirting.

Guy's really enjoying what he's trying on in there.

But yeah, because you can moan because you might be.

Yeah, you're trying.

I can't fit into this anymore.

Okay, so

the guy who ran the nearby shoeshine shop said, quote, people have been going inside, taking pictures of the stall, taking pictures outside the bathroom door.

Man, it's been crazy.

That's also horrible if you don't know about that and you're just

dropping a deuce and you're like, all right, now do one of me saying cheese.

Hey, no, hey, no.

Oh, fuck.

So

on September 26th, after officially filing his motion to withdraw the guilty plea, Larry said he would not resign and would wait for the court's judgment.

A week later, the judge denied it.

All right, now I'm out of here.

Larry then said he's still not going to resign and would serve out his term and then retire because

he had to clear his name in the Senate, and the only way to do that is to remain in the Senate.

And I think that tonight

is good proof that that did happen.

Yes.

His name was definitely cleared.

He also appealed to the Minnesota Court of Appeals.

In December, the statesman reported eight men said they'd had sex with Larry.

This is

eight men in.

This is why

this is why his strategy is unbelievably stupid in all this.

He's like, I will clear my name by making you never forget about what my name is associated with.

Yeah.

I mean, he made it worse.

The longer he stayed in, the more attention it was.

So one was an ex-sex worker, Mike Jones, who had, he's the guy who took down the Reverend Ted Haggard.

Larry paid him $2 for a bang in Denver.

By the by.

I know, but it was years ago.

We've had inflation.

There was probably a lot of inflation that night.

Another was an Idaho Republican who was an IT guy and a bear.

He met Larry at a D.C.

strip club, and they went back to a house on Capitol Hill and Larry took off his suit coat and then blew the guy and then the guy blew Larry and then Larry left the room and came back with condoms and lube and then they had anal sex and then Larry became agitated quote after the sex he just wanted me to get out of there Larry put $20 in my pocket and said quote I can buy and sell your ass a thousand times over you were never here

Jesus Christ you were never here

look that's fucking alpha shit, man.

That's some.

Who's the dad in that front?

That's bad pillow talk.

$20.

Yeah, fuck you, buddy.

Yeah, why can't he just say, why can't he just say he has to get up early in the morning?

I mean.

Yeah, you could also just be like, hey, man,

I'm a center.

Can you not tell people about this?

Yes.

I could buy and sell you.

Here's 20 bucks, motherfucker.

But there is probably some weird.

He's probably got some.

It has to be so distorted at this point what he's going through when he's fucking.

Yeah.

like he's probably just like, I'm a big, brave, straight man now.

And the guy's like, bro, what the fuck?

We just sucked each other.

What are you talking about?

No, you get out of here.

My wife will tell you I'm not gay.

Really, like, I see your cum still.

Senator, I can see your cum still.

That's not mine.

This is all a trap.

I have a wide loogie.

I'm crazy.

And that's why we don't need a public.

The paper reported a lawyer for one of the pages.

Okay, so now we're back to the 1982

where he first flipped out.

Where he freaked out.

Here's why.

So the lawyer of that page

now said Larry was named by his client and was in a December 1982 Health Ethics Committee report as Congressman C.

But nobody knows who the fuck Congressman C is.

Surprise they're keeping him anonymous at that time.

Even in the internal investigation, is he Congressman C?

So nobody knows his name.

No, the House Ethics Committee is only reporting him as Congressman C.

So he's just completely fucking freaked out.

Yeah, so he flipped out for no.

Yeah, he was named like he was told he was named, but nobody else did.

And then he he was like, I will take a polygraph.

And they're like, Are you Congressman C?

And he's like,

That's cuckoo.

I'm married soon.

Quote, Williams said he had sex with them two or three times.

I can't remember, two or three.

I get it.

The statesman compared travel records and sex times,

and it all synced up.

So they,

so the

so the guy's like I fucked him in an airport bathroom and then they're like let me see your travel and they show him the travel records and then they would look at Larry's travel records and they were there at the same time.

So

fucking funny.

That's when you're like, that's why I'm a reporter.

Checking boarding passes like this, their layers

matched.

Some rumors.

So

Larry said this statesman had lowered itself to tabloid journalism and then he had a college girlfriend, but he wouldn't name her.

But even if he did, who fuck, that's all he does.

I was with a woman.

A woman was in the room.

In February 2008, the Senate Ethics Committee admonished Larry for improper conduct and trying to evade legal consequences.

On top of the gay stuff, he used campaign funds to pay his legal fees.

And you can only use campaign funds to pay legal fees if they are official senator duties.

And most of the 200,000 had gone to the appeal.

So in November, it was announced the defense fund Larry had set up six months earlier had only raised $4,645.

Too much still.

The St.

Louis Saints, a minor league baseball team in Minnesota, announced Larry Craig Baublefoot night.

I take it, I'm gonna add an addendum to my pitch of gaze should run everything

and whoever came up with that.

Quote: The keepsakes consist of a miniature bathroom stall with a couple of lower legs and feet.

One of the feet is spring-loaded and taps.

That is fantastic.

That's fucking good.

Fantastic.

Through all of this, the Idaho Republican Party does not call for Larry's resignation.

And he retired in January 2009 when his term ended.

And in 2012, the FEC sued him for misusing campaign donations.

Larry argued it was official business and reimbursable because he was traveling between Idaho and D.C.

quote he cites a U.S.

Senate rule in which reimbursable per diem expenses include all charges for meals, lodging, hotel fans, cleaning, pressing of clothing, and bathrooms.

And bathrooms.

What is he talking about?

What does that even mean?

What is he talking about?

Sounds like he found a loophole.

By the way, you put that one in the middle if you're going to have it in there.

Cover your tracks a little bit better.

Larry was fined $45,000 and ordered to return $198,000 to Treasury.

Now, out of government, he starts a lobbying firm, New West Strategies.

It's basically for mining companies.

He keeps dipping into his old campaign funds for expenses.

He gave his wife Suzanne $1,000 a few times using vague descriptions, which is wildly illegal.

FEC rules state ex-lawmakers should close down their accounts six months after leaving office, but he's far from the only one who broke that law.

Larry to this day continues to work as a lobbyist on on behalf of mining interests.

I was hoping he was gone.

The bathroom was demolished around 2015.

That's a shame.

That is a shame.

In 2016, the bathroom that replaced it won the 15th annual America's Best Restroom Contest, hosted by Syntus, a company that cleans and provides supplies to bathrooms.

A happy ending,

Which Larry loves.

Oh my God.

What a fucking piece of shit.

Just, what an

abysmal piece of shit.

Yeah, outside of even all that, like the leading the double life and legislating,

even outside of that,

all the ethical illegalities and lapses that just don't ever get punished, and you just now, we are, we still deal with this.

They are never actually punished for shit.

And if they are, it's so rare and so small.

And that's why we live in what we live in now, which is just like endless.

It's a great country.

Exactly.

Thank you for bottom lining it.

It's a great country.

It's a great country.

But, you know, fucking, what a huge piece of shit.

What an enormous piece of shit who sets just sets the whole movement back as far as possible and yet he's one of the people who would benefit from the rights of it the most.

We're not going to read it on stage.

We're not going to read it in front of people.

Okay.

Sir, this would be a very strange thing to read.

Okay, the sources are the Idaho Statesman, the Spokesman Review, the Times News,

a lot of Idaho Statesman,

ABC News, MiningeducationFoundation.org, KTVB.com, MPR News, USA Today, Fox News,

CNN, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Now, The Smoking Gun,

Towler Road.com, Gainesville.com, and Allison Dagnus, Sex Scandals in American Politics: A Multidisciplinary Approach to the Construction and Aftermath of Contemporary Political Sex Scandals.

Shorten that shit, Allison.

Well, Dave,

we're not going to ever read anything anyone hands us on stage again.

But maybe we end with this because this one might have a little bit of value.

As a 14-year-old, I participated in a federally federally funded civics education program.

It was essentially civics debate.

We did competitions and as a junior in high school we won the state of Idaho.

We got paid funded to compete in Washington DC against others as the youngest team to make it to D.C.

During our trip we got the privilege to meet senators and representatives in their D.C.

Capitol offices.

Craig insisted on meeting our eight student team.

One by one, 14 to 15 year olds allegedly, alone in his D.C.

office.

I entered, he put his arm uncomfortably around me, and told me how important it was to tell my parents to vote for him.

While I tried to put physical distance from him, read this.

I have a lawyer on retainer and don't really care.

This should have been on the behind the bastards.

That's the full truth.

Wow.

Well, that's an ending.

Well, have a a good night, everybody.

Thank you for coming out.

Appreciate it.

What's up, doll heads?

Join the Gear Force.

Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

That's right, I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois.

Two shows, a 7:15 and a 9:30.

But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th.

Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September 16th.

Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th.

And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.

on September 21st.

I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th.

Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th.

Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.

Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd.

Two shows.

And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.

And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at RoosterTFeers.

Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

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