119 - The Past Times with Ronny Chieng

Transcript

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

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Speaker 6 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Speaker 6 Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 6 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Ronnie Cheng.

Speaker 7 Ronnie, thank you for joining us.

Speaker 3 Thanks, thanks for having me on this thing. I have been on this before.
We talked

Speaker 8 on all you've been on.

Speaker 3 You said you have that one, too. You just said finally we have this guy back finally

Speaker 3 on back no back

Speaker 7 no you said finally we have him on I'll play the tape again I mean I'll stop the whole fucking recording.

Speaker 3 I'm gonna take the side of our guest and I just say you're being rude and you yeah all right yeah that's fine all right and and I do take your point though that Dave is becoming sexier I haven't seen him in person in a while and he's something's working for him we had dinner the other night at a friend's house and he showed up like he was gonna try to fuck and it was like there

Speaker 3 one woman and she was married, and Dave showed up.

Speaker 7 He's drinking gin.

Speaker 3 So he's always been like that, but now his face matches the Poisson, right?

Speaker 8 That's basically it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Now he's got that pervy gray beard.

Speaker 3 Ronnie, you're listening.

Speaker 7 I, you're doing very well. You're doing so well

Speaker 7 that you're, no, no, no. You're now in the stratosphere of when we ask what you want to promote, you don't even need any,

Speaker 3 success.

Speaker 3 No, it's just whatever.

Speaker 7 We have such a meager follow. What's the point of even

Speaker 3 promoting?

Speaker 3 Well, no, no, no, no, no, no. The truth is I got nothing to promote.
So thanks for having me on. Well, you're great.

Speaker 7 You are crushing it. So there's no point.
I would like to promote the dollop tour. We're going on tour.
This will probably be out after that. Who gives a shit? Okay.
Life's a prison.

Speaker 3 Life is hell. We're all turned into it.

Speaker 8 We have another tour.

Speaker 3 No, no no no um let me let me guess you're going to australia no no oh actually no i don't want to go out of the country because we might not be able to get back in oh okay what a dream it would be you guys were like the forefront of touring podcasts in australia yeah you guys were that first wave yeah we were yeah since then there's been so many waves that that first wave gets kind of it's not as big of a wave as it used to be and then that wave's drinking a lot more because the wave's like i used to be so big and now i'm just like a regular wave You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 No, you guys in Australia, you guys are like, everyone loves you. We're very big here, too, Ronnie.
I mean, yeah, yeah, you're big in America too. You're big in America, too.

Speaker 7 We're so big, we're promoting on the podcast. I mean,

Speaker 8 people call us the Joe Rogan of podcasting.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 which is huge. That's a huge compliment.

Speaker 3 You're the Joe Rogan of vintage newspaper podcasting.

Speaker 7 It's a niche Rogan. We're a niche Rogan.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we're a niche Rogan.

Speaker 7 We still love mushrooms. Ronnie, the way, I don't know if this was the way we did it the first time you were on the show, but

Speaker 7 we're going to guess what year this paper is from.

Speaker 7 And the winner gets nothing.

Speaker 3 So that's exciting.

Speaker 7 So if you would like, you can guess first.

Speaker 3 No, I will say.

Speaker 8 No, no clues. Just guess.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I will say you'll win no matter what, because Dave's a shithead.

Speaker 3 Oh, wait. Am I supposed to guess without hearing Dave at all? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Just guess.

Speaker 3 What the fuck is this? Prices right without the

Speaker 3 clue.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 8 Wouldn't the prices right be better?

Speaker 3 So I have nothing to read off of other than Dave's face. Okay.

Speaker 3 Dave's face is looking pretty way back. It seems it's going to be pretty far back.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go with 1930.

Speaker 7 That's great. That's great.
And that is what Dave's face to me is screaming 1872. Dave?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 8 No, it's 1900.

Speaker 3 Okay. We're close.
So Rodney wins. Now he doesn't know.
Okay. No, I don't think

Speaker 3 yep.

Speaker 8 January 5th, 1900. The Hollis Times from Hollis, New Hampshire.

Speaker 8 Close to where this cat is from.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. I used to live there.
New Hampshire represents. Yeah.
Okay. I used to live there.
And only now as an adult back in America do I know how random a place New Hampshire is to be.

Speaker 8 Yeah, right?

Speaker 3 But when I was there, I thought it was great.

Speaker 7 Here's a pitch. Can we drop the new? Hampshire do.
I mean, we've

Speaker 7 not, we're not really, right? Do we need a separator?

Speaker 3 Yeah, back then, everything was new everything.

Speaker 7 Yeah, back then. I get it.

Speaker 3 Back then, they're like, holy fuck, New York.

Speaker 7 Now it's like, yeah, it's Hampshire.

Speaker 3 I'll fight this, and I'll fight you, Dave. You want to drop the new from New Hampshire?

Speaker 7 Yeah, I'm ready to go, Hampshire.

Speaker 7 And York, New York, too. It's just York now.

Speaker 8 What about Jersey?

Speaker 7 Keep it.

Speaker 8 Jersey kind of already is. Nobody calls it New Hersey.
Old Jersey.

Speaker 3 That's what I want to call it.

Speaker 7 old jersey

Speaker 3 well then how are you gonna differentiate it from your home homeland in England?

Speaker 7 Nobody's making look if someone's that lost then we don't need them to survive

Speaker 3 Hampshire no the new makes it Dave is right. You can go Jersey without the new Jersey you the Hampshire is no Hampshire sounds weird without it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, it's weird.

Speaker 7 It doesn't roll off I think the people listening are yeah we're off topic, but the people listening are on my side.

Speaker 8 Go ahead, Dave. Well, should we call Maine Ain? Like, what do you want to do? How far do you want to take it? Call it Manus.

Speaker 3 You want to call it Michigan? Please start reading. Please start reading.

Speaker 8 Hollis Times.

Speaker 8 There's no headline here. Miss Phoebe Hunt, known as Grandma Hunt, was 100 years old Wednesday.

Speaker 8 That's old for then. Yeah.

Speaker 3 1900? 100 years old?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's

Speaker 7 200 in today's years.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 8 She was born in Wyndham on January 3rd 1800. She is the only centenarian in this section if not in the state Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, not surprising.

Speaker 8 There's like eight people in New Hampshire at that point.

Speaker 3 So right, and one of them was 100 is crazy.

Speaker 7 She had to be very ready to die.

Speaker 8 Well, I think

Speaker 8 at this point, you got to wonder if she's a witch.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Especially from the northeast. Like 100, 100 years now, like, I wonder if,

Speaker 3 like you know if you're born in in um

Speaker 3 if you were born in 1924

Speaker 3 and you live till now you'd be like the world is different oh my god but if you're born in 1800 till 1900 you're probably like ah it was pretty much the same yeah you're like oh there's

Speaker 3 kind of a car yeah we had horses and wheels and fire

Speaker 3 there's better holes to poop in

Speaker 7 that's it that's the biggest thing poop holes are better and the whiskey's better

Speaker 7 Whiskey's worse. And now up to 50% of your kids live.

Speaker 3 Crazy. Crazy.

Speaker 8 We're going back. The event brought much joy to herself as well as to relatives and friends.
She kept open house and arrayed in her best cap and dress.

Speaker 8 She greeted all who came in the same cordial manner, which has made her so well beloved about here, and which many society people might well imitate.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 8 She's lived strictly a temperate life, never smoking as do some old-time ladies. Always cheerful.
She's fond of standing erect before one and saying, Ain't I straight?

Speaker 3 Which indeed she is.

Speaker 7 And I do that, and that's a crime.

Speaker 3 I mean, it's that like

Speaker 3 I know, I know English is my third language, but I have no idea what that meant. Like,

Speaker 8 I've never heard of it in my life. Ain't I straight?

Speaker 3 Ain't I straight? She's talking about posture. She's like, wow, look at me.

Speaker 7 Yeah, because she's old.

Speaker 3 So she's like, her spine should be curving and she should look like scoliosis under skin but instead she's just like i ain't hostrite again in 1900s even if you're perfectly healthy you probably look like your scoliosis you gotta look horrible yeah everyone has scoliosis they didn't know what babies look yeah regular spine people are like look at you john you're ill

Speaker 8 She made a visit to Pelham last fall riding in a wagon both ways. Many of our pastors have reason to thank her for the socks.
She has knit them.

Speaker 3 All right. So, life well lived.

Speaker 8 I mean, that's a nice story to start out with.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it is very small town paper,

Speaker 7 boring.

Speaker 3 She was, yeah. Well, she was an entrepreneur.
She made her own socks.

Speaker 3 She had a car. She was still going around.
She went to Pelham. I wonder how far that is.
On a wagon?

Speaker 8 It's got to be a ways.

Speaker 3 It's got to be big.

Speaker 3 And also back then, you know, you go on a wagon ride to Pelham at 100 years old, you probably would die.

Speaker 3 So she, you know, she was adventurous, is what I'm saying. Yeah, and straight and really

Speaker 8 straight.

Speaker 8 Erectile.

Speaker 3 Curved. Yeah.
Yep. She's a straight old alive thing.
That's very heartwarming, actually, to live to 100 in America

Speaker 3 now, much less.

Speaker 3 Now it's shocking.

Speaker 7 Well, I remember seeing like something where there's some city that has the most,

Speaker 7 like in Japan where it's like the most most hundred-year-olds. And they have like, they have a parade for you.
So you're like, people are like, I'm going to do it.

Speaker 7 And then they get a parade and everyone's like, way to go.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I think

Speaker 3 they're called like blue zones where people live to be 100. I can't believe New Hampshire was a blue zone in Chicago.

Speaker 3 No, no, no way.

Speaker 3 No way. No way.

Speaker 7 No, now

Speaker 7 there are probably a couple of blue zones in America, but they have to be like Hawaii or they have to be like separated from

Speaker 3 the mainland. Yeah, they cannot

Speaker 7 be attached to this tumor.

Speaker 8 I mean, when you're in Hawaii, you're like, oh,

Speaker 8 air's clean.

Speaker 3 Yeah. How about that? Yeah.

Speaker 7 And the thing in that, in the blue zone thing, when you talk to the old people, a lot of them are just eating sweet potatoes.

Speaker 3 They're just like, potatoes. You're just like, wow.
The secret with potatoes is. Yeah, always.

Speaker 8 British soldiers at play.

Speaker 7 Nice.

Speaker 8 There is one thing, and not a new thing, to be noticed about the British soldiers in South Africa, which bodes ill for the Boers. Oh, God.

Speaker 8 It is that Tommy Atkins takes his luck in the field with the same matter-of-fact ease, which in other times has made the British soldier seem unbeatable by any save of his own blood and bone.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 8 I think Tommy Atkins is some kind of athlete, right? That's what I would.

Speaker 3 Well, he's the Atkins diet. Yeah.
This is maybe.

Speaker 3 Wait, that's him?

Speaker 3 It's also weird. It's also weird for you Americans at 1900s to praise the British.

Speaker 3 They were unbeatable, but America beat them.

Speaker 7 It was tough because we loved their colonialism, but also

Speaker 7 we're happy to be away from them.

Speaker 3 You hit it the T, yeah. Yeah.
But we

Speaker 8 were back. We were back on board at this point.
We liked them again. Right.
Because at some point we were both like, hey, we both like killing brown people.

Speaker 3 We both like such a non-white people. Will they, won't they? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Just classic.

Speaker 8 It's, you know, I mean, it's something you can't understand, but killing non-white people, it's a really bombing.

Speaker 3 It's addictive. Yeah.
It is.

Speaker 3 It is. I know.

Speaker 3 I read the 1776 book.

Speaker 3 And man, they were fighting, man. The English and the.
So this is 100 years earlier.

Speaker 3 They were like when the, I don't need to tell you guys this. You guys are well-educated Americans who deal with history every single day.

Speaker 3 But, like, when the U.S. declared independence from the UK,

Speaker 3 Great Britain sent everybody to invade New York.

Speaker 3 Like, the book describes New York Harbor as like the hundred ship invasion. It was just all British ships.

Speaker 3 Everyone was shitting their pants because the British were like, you guys want to be independent? Okay, well, fuck. We're sending everybody.
They sent everyone to invade it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and they still lost. It was crazy.
It was crazy to fight a superpower and win. America fighting that was insane.
But anyway, now they're friends.

Speaker 8 Now we lose wars all the time. So we lose ourselves.

Speaker 7 We're losing a war inside of ourselves.

Speaker 3 Pretty handily, too.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we're fighting wars that are, yeah, because it's intangible cultural wars and we're losing. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's good.

Speaker 8 His generals may walk into ambush and get him jolly well peppered with Mauser-lead pencils.

Speaker 3 They're going to get jolly well peppered.

Speaker 8 With Mauser-lead pencils. So shot.
That's what.

Speaker 8 Right? That's what that is. Jolly well peppered with Mauser.

Speaker 8 But he keeps his appetite and spirits and indulges in his sports.

Speaker 3 Whether it is in ladies' point of this article, this article is

Speaker 7 about, it's like a happy piece about a college.

Speaker 3 It's a fluff piece for the British about how

Speaker 7 It's like Stephen Miller on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Speaker 3 What makes it tick? Sorry,

Speaker 8 sporting.

Speaker 3 Sport was the headline. Was that a headline?

Speaker 8 The headline was British soldiers at play.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Speaker 8 Whether it is in Lady Smith, Kimberly, or Miff King, the Britisher's chief concern when he is not rushing out to fight is that when off duty, he may indulge in the same pastimes which would fill his chunky 12-stone body with joy on the green of his home village or in the fields of his squire.

Speaker 3 Holy shit. I guess Chunky was

Speaker 3 like positive.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 7 I think there it sounds like he was just like skin and sausages.

Speaker 8 What, Gareth, what's 12-stone?

Speaker 7 Oh, fuck. Well, it's 14 pounds of stone.
So

Speaker 7 it's a lot. Yeah,

Speaker 7 he's a big boy.

Speaker 3 And he's indulging.

Speaker 7 So what he likes to do is fight, and then he's like Peter Dinklage, but fat and big.

Speaker 3 He's pounding one.

Speaker 3 What's that in kilograms? Oh, fuck. Oh, boy.
Oh, we can't do it. Converting

Speaker 3 KGs. What are you doing? Come on, baby.

Speaker 7 Come on over. Pounds, baby.

Speaker 3 Pounds.

Speaker 3 I still can't figure out. You can't? No, I can't figure out the...
Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's got to be tough.

Speaker 8 There's no reason to. Look, it's all going away.
We're going to stop existing soon, so you don't need to keep knowing it.

Speaker 3 Here we go. You learn it just in time to

Speaker 3 learn Fahrenheit. Yeah.

Speaker 8 The sons of most other races lie behind siege walls with straightened faces, tense nerves, and beating hearts while they expect new strife.

Speaker 7 Wait, are we in a what are we in right now?

Speaker 3 An artist?

Speaker 8 So now he's talking about, yes, in the in the

Speaker 8 fighting with the British, the other side are very tense and nervous, hiding behind walls in the war, while the British play sports. Right.

Speaker 8 But your blooming British beggar,

Speaker 3 hies?

Speaker 8 H-I-E-S? Is that a word?

Speaker 3 I don't know. Never heard of that.

Speaker 8 Hides himself to a comfortable corner behind the battlements where he may cut cards or shake the dice pot.

Speaker 3 That's not a sport.

Speaker 3 His sport is cheating.

Speaker 3 His sport is degenerate gambling.

Speaker 3 His sport is rolling dice in a corner. That's awesome.
That's really funny.

Speaker 3 And also, I think they were talking about the article, they say that this is British station in Africa, I think. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay. So, who are they fighting in Africa?

Speaker 8 Well, the Boers. Yeah.

Speaker 8 It's the Boer War. So it's the, yeah, you're fighting

Speaker 8 people who want to

Speaker 3 live there. Oh, fuck.
Okay.

Speaker 7 That's ridiculous. It's such a funny thing.
It's even war is such an unfair term for what that is.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 3 Fighting a war.

Speaker 7 We, the cause of having everything, and them wanting to exist.

Speaker 7 Jolly on then.

Speaker 3 Here's some dice.

Speaker 7 And then you like see him out like playing dice and he's like, hello.

Speaker 3 And they're like, Jesus fucking Christ, this is

Speaker 7 oblivious assholes.

Speaker 8 Between scraps, he plays polo, golf, and football just as he does at home while shells are dropped around him.

Speaker 8 And Irish, Scotch, or English, he thinks he is the luckiest soul on earth to be what he is and as he is. This is crazy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, what a puff plays.

Speaker 8 Yeah, it is. It's amazing.
It's an amazing puff play.

Speaker 3 They play golf and what was that? The other thing? Polo. Polo.

Speaker 8 Polo and football, yeah.

Speaker 3 Wow. The big three.
They had a full-on, you know, it was like, they had like an English country club

Speaker 3 in the war zone.

Speaker 7 And they're also actively,

Speaker 7 you know,

Speaker 3 killing, probably like nearing genocide. Yeah.

Speaker 7 And they're just like, I say, fancy a bit of a pony golf, do you?

Speaker 3 Yeah. To play golf in a war zone is very bad.
Crazy shells dropping around him. You're fucking trying to drive this thing.

Speaker 3 You're trying to hit a

Speaker 3 nine iron into a hazard.

Speaker 7 As the horses, the horses spooked again for some reason.

Speaker 3 Good lord.

Speaker 3 Well, I wonder why,

Speaker 3 what was the, do you guys know the context of like

Speaker 3 America's attitude towards that particular war?

Speaker 8 In that

Speaker 3 the Bar War or the

Speaker 8 prohibition

Speaker 8 so the Boers were Dutch.

Speaker 8 So I take it all back.

Speaker 7 Oh, so they're what they're so the English and the Dutch are fighting over Africa.

Speaker 8 Yeah, of South Africa, yeah.

Speaker 7 That's so classic.

Speaker 8 That's cool. Classic Europe.

Speaker 7 It's classic white, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's classic Europe. White Europe.

Speaker 7 What makes you think this land that isn't ours at all is yours? It's ours.

Speaker 8 I'm sure people were screaming about that, that I didn't know that.

Speaker 3 But again, you'll find that I don't read about war.

Speaker 8 It is now so in South Africa. We're still in the same story.
It was so in Spain when waiting behind their entrenchments for Napoleon to come and

Speaker 8 eat them, the British soldiers chased their foxes sent for from home, ran foot races, wrestled, and played their games.

Speaker 8 It was so when they followed Marlborough to meet the great Louis, taking along with them their spurring gamecocks and fighting dogs.

Speaker 8 That's not, that's, I feel that's not as sportsmanish.

Speaker 3 Wow, these British really liked their games, right? They were like, yeah, we're gonna war, we're gonna bring our fucking games.

Speaker 7 It's written like that Rolling Stone article about Burt Kreischer that got Van Wilder made.

Speaker 3 He's a cuckoo.

Speaker 3 And what is that about Napoleon eating?

Speaker 7 What does that mean, Dave?

Speaker 8 Yes, for Napoleon to come and eat them.

Speaker 3 Napoleon.

Speaker 3 Are we

Speaker 3 metaphorical?

Speaker 3 Yeah. And I mean, they're obviously referring to when the

Speaker 3 French attacked England. Were they cannibals, though?

Speaker 7 Sure. England wasn't eating people.

Speaker 3 Are you saying sure?

Speaker 8 Yeah, why not?

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 7 Feels like...

Speaker 8 Pretty ambivalent. I mean, most people aren't cannibals that you accuse of being cannibals, so why not accuse the French?

Speaker 7 Trump will be doing that in no time.

Speaker 3 Eating people.

Speaker 3 No, it's saying other people are eating them.

Speaker 8 And while eating people, though, he's okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right, yeah, right. Well, he'll eat people.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so the British are fun-loving warmongers. That's good.

Speaker 7 Yeah, good attitudes about it.

Speaker 8 It was so when Charles watched Cromwell and the king killers' Ironsides chased the Royalists.

Speaker 8 Only then both sides by turns fought and played their games and loved their sports, but tweets their bloody battles.

Speaker 3 Do you think the

Speaker 3 superior officers were like yelling at them the way people yell at people using phones now? It's like, stop holding your game cock and fucking stand to post. We got people coming in.

Speaker 7 Cutting cards.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Still at war, guys.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, seriously.

Speaker 3 It sounds like this article actually makes. If I was the Dutch reading this, I'd be like, let's just attack these fucks.
Yeah,

Speaker 3 we're overestimating their power. Yeah.
They're all playing games all the time. They're playing games.
Let's go.

Speaker 7 War sounds okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah, sounds like

Speaker 3 a nice camp. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 I promise you're gonna laugh.

Speaker 4 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

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Speaker 8 The member hastened to obey.

Speaker 8 Former member Reed had a great moral influence over the members, and whether willingly or unwillingly, they were wont to obey his requests.

Speaker 8 One afternoon, when the House lacked a quorum, one of its messengers was dispatched to hunt up an MC at Harvey's, a famous restaurant in town.

Speaker 8 Quote, the speaker would like to have you come up to the house as there is no quorum, said the messenger to the member who was enjoying a broiled lobster.

Speaker 8 You tell the speaker to go to thunder,

Speaker 3 he said.

Speaker 8 I'm going to finish my lobster.

Speaker 7 This guy. I don't know, but I hate government, but love this guy.

Speaker 8 Bring it back. Go to Thunder, bring it back.

Speaker 8 That needs to be a saying that we say.

Speaker 7 So he can eat lobster.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but that's a good New England man right there. It is.
Yeah, he's eating lobster and he's telling the whatever to go fuck himself. Yeah.

Speaker 3 They need a

Speaker 3 things never change.

Speaker 7 That'd be Ted Kennedy in like 50 years.

Speaker 3 Like, I'm having a blowjob.

Speaker 7 Can't you see I'm in the middle of having my cock sucked?

Speaker 3 I mean, famously, you guys know, you guys know that like lobsters were like

Speaker 3 trashed. Pests.
Yeah, they're trash.

Speaker 7 They still are to me i think it's just it's like eating a rat like why would you eat it it's gross i would eat rat eating a cockroach yeah you would eat rat well it's just an excuse to eat butter right that's the whole thing with the lobster yes it is it's very much like the oyster we've talked about the oyster before where it's like anything where they're like douse it so you don't taste it but lobster is still gross okay i mean i think the

Speaker 3 the thing with lobster is that you the amount of meat you get per lobster is so you know you kill this thing and it's like you get to eat like a tail tail.

Speaker 7 That's yeah, yeah, and it's a lot of fucking work.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's to crack it open. And also, by the way, lobsters are biologically

Speaker 3 lobsters are biologically immortal. So, if we didn't eat them for their tail, they would live forever.
Is that true?

Speaker 7 Yeah, we should not be eating them.

Speaker 3 Well, fucking, we kill them.

Speaker 3 They could live forever, but we kind of

Speaker 8 love us taking the earth.

Speaker 7 Humans, it is amazing because if we were ever to actually like dip into that philosophically, we would be like, This is look, we believe in balance, but these, if they live forever, we should not eat them.

Speaker 7 And instead, we have them in tanks, like, help, help.

Speaker 7 Like, that one looks juicy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's awful. Awful.

Speaker 8 Well, I don't eat them, so I don't know what you know.

Speaker 3 Well, I remember. Oh, you should.
Is they're actually delicious. They're fucking tasty.
Yeah, they taste forever.

Speaker 8 I like the smaller version. I like the crawfish.

Speaker 3 Crawfish is even worse. It's like you kill like one million of of them to have like a bite.

Speaker 8 Anything

Speaker 7 people are like, eat the brain, suck the brain. I'm like, that's where I'm like, not in.

Speaker 3 Grow up.

Speaker 7 That's crazy. It's crazy.
It's crazy that you're anti-the thing with more meat and no brain sucking, and the tiny little version where you got to eat brains. You're like, now that I like.

Speaker 7 I love sitting in some weirdo's yard with eating off a newspaper.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 8 So the speaker would like to have you come up to the house as there is no quorum, said the messenger to the member, who was enjoying his broiled lobster. You tell the speaker to go to thunder.

Speaker 8 I'm going to finish my lobster. Very well, sir, assented the messenger.
I will do so. And he left the room hurriedly.

Speaker 8 But as soon as his back was turned, the belligerent member rushed down by the backstairs through a side door, into a cab, and was up at the house long before the arrival of the messenger.

Speaker 8 What the fuck just happened?

Speaker 3 He chickened out, he talked tough, and then he got scared, and then he went to work. Yeah, he told the messenger to tell his boss to go fuck himself.

Speaker 3 I'm eating lobster, and then he was like, Actually, I'm a pussy, and then he jumped in the cab and got there before the message.

Speaker 7 Yeah, he was probably eating with someone who was like, That's pretty important. He's like, I should go.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's the 1900s equivalent of unsending a message. Yeah, yep, yep, he unsend the message, and he went to the market.

Speaker 7 And you just see, you just see that that's what I love on WhatsApp where it's like someone deleted it. You're like, that's even worse.

Speaker 7 What the fuck are you doing over there?

Speaker 3 Yeah. He'd just say to me,

Speaker 3 he got there before his own fuck you got to his boss.

Speaker 7 Well, yeah, and it must have been so satisfying when the messenger came in and was like, he told me to go to Thunder. He was eating lobster.
He's like, boy, what are you talking about?

Speaker 7 I've been here for 10 minutes.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Christ.

Speaker 7 With butter shining on his double chin.

Speaker 7 Sound like me?

Speaker 8 Do you want to know the, you know, the topics that are hot right now on newspapers.com?

Speaker 3 Sure. Is this okay?

Speaker 8 I just noticed it. Number one is bread recipes.

Speaker 8 And then

Speaker 8 so you're looking through newspapers for old bread recipes?

Speaker 3 No, people, I think I could see someone going like, I want to make a vintage bread.

Speaker 7 I could definitely see that in Silverlake.

Speaker 3 I could definitely see that. Some hipsters going like, I want to make bread the way they made it in 18.

Speaker 3 How do I make it when yellow fever was a thing?

Speaker 3 Oh, typhoid loaf. Yeah.

Speaker 3 When scarlet fever was a thing, I want to taste what that was.

Speaker 7 Anyone want a scurvy roll?

Speaker 8 Also, Thomas Edison, the invasion, 1939 invasion of Poland, Bonnie and Clyde, the Ed Gein murders, and Humphrey Bogart. That's what's hot.
Ed Gein murders.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Those are good. Also good.
Nipple belts.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Was it a nipple belt?

Speaker 8 He made a nipple belt, yeah.

Speaker 3 He also made

Speaker 8 lampshades from skin things.

Speaker 3 I love how long you guys have been doing this, that you guys know all this. It's great.

Speaker 8 Sid is getting sad.

Speaker 3 Look.

Speaker 7 You know how sad it is when I know things?

Speaker 7 That's how we know the show's gone on too long.

Speaker 3 Like, if I know things, it's probably time to call it.

Speaker 7 Like, if I'm saying stuff like, wasn't that right when the canoe was invented?

Speaker 3 And it's like, yeah, it was. And I'm like, I remember remember that.

Speaker 7 It's like, what are we doing anymore? The whole ruse of this is knowing nothing.

Speaker 8 Look, Ed Geen used the whole body,

Speaker 8 which is what, like, Native Americans did with the buffalo. See, I'm not saying too much.
Maybe he

Speaker 8 was more advanced than we give him credit for.

Speaker 3 He was many things, but he was also environmentally conscious. Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, he was. Yeah, he was

Speaker 7 ate the teeth. Everything.

Speaker 8 One-fingered gloves.

Speaker 7 Wow, that is mind-bending.

Speaker 3 I can't really wrap my head around that one. Right.

Speaker 7 Is that a mitten? Is it a mitten?

Speaker 8 I don't know. No, because is a mitten two?

Speaker 7 Well, I could see them having the great thumb debate back then.

Speaker 8 Is the thumb included in the one-finger glove or is the thumb separate? That's what we're going to find out.

Speaker 3 It's a glove with a penis. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 8 The penal glove.

Speaker 3 Penal gloves. I've come up with a one-fingered glove.

Speaker 8 Oh, it fits here, too. I'm not straight.

Speaker 8 Gloves had long been made in very great variety, but a novel thing.

Speaker 7 What an awful, like, if I was reopening this paper, I'd be like, I'm not reading this.

Speaker 3 You would scroll. You'll scroll.
Yeah, I would be like, yeah, it's that.

Speaker 7 No, let me use this as a bread recipe.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 You know what it is?

Speaker 7 Like, it's like whenever you do open a recipe online and the first fucking page of it is just some weird dive into this weirdos world where they're like, I've always really enjoyed eggnog, but the holiday season is so much more.

Speaker 7 And you're just like, where's the fucking recipe? Like, that's what this is.

Speaker 3 Intro's too long. Intros too long.

Speaker 7 The history of gloves is pretty fascinating.

Speaker 8 Do you know why they do that?

Speaker 7 I found out you want to kill them?

Speaker 8 Because Google made some sort of thing that your recipes would only get bumped up if you included

Speaker 8 a story or some sort of narrative before you got to the recipe. That's crazy.
So they made all of the people sharing recipes who wanted to get hits create.

Speaker 8 it's terrible.

Speaker 3 Everybody hates absolutely awful. That's so stupid.
And I also, on a kind of separate point, like I also hate how we all talk about the algorithm like it's a mystery.

Speaker 8 It's like some human wrote it.

Speaker 3 So just tell us what the fuck you want. Honestly.
Yeah,

Speaker 3 stop with the mystery. And we have a whole sub-industry of people who are hired to help you figure it out.
Some guy made it. He just tell us what it just tells what it is.

Speaker 7 Oh, that guy. The guy who was like,

Speaker 3 that guy was like,

Speaker 3 I think recipes need a short story at the start. So we're going to put it.
Like, just fucking tell us it. Yeah.

Speaker 7 It's so musky. Just be like, and then there'll be a short story at the beginning of every recipe.

Speaker 3 Like, okay.

Speaker 7 Now people need to show the end of what they're putting up first.

Speaker 7 They're like, Al, are you okay?

Speaker 8 Do you think people will buy fewer musk-flavored treats in Australia now?

Speaker 3 Musk? Oh.

Speaker 7 What, like musky, the scent musk?

Speaker 8 It's a flavor down there.

Speaker 3 Is it? I don't know.

Speaker 8 Yeah, like candy and stuff.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Musk is a candy.
I'm thinking

Speaker 3 about candy. Musk is a scent.

Speaker 8 I think it's a mouse.

Speaker 3 Musk is a scent. I know.
I don't know about candy. I've never heard of it.
Maybe.

Speaker 3 If you go to Australia, I think you'll be unfortunately surprised at how many people outside of America are fucking

Speaker 3 MAGA.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 8 No, a musk stick. A musk is a thing.

Speaker 3 Oh, man. You know them a lot of Australian.
I do. I know hood of a musk stick.
Never heard of a musk stick.

Speaker 8 Well, there's a whole that right now.

Speaker 7 That's what impregnated Grimes.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Hello. My mic.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 8 Gloves have long been made in very great

Speaker 3 struggle. Gloves have often been made.

Speaker 7 Why? Just tell me what's happening. Gloves have always had quite a ride.

Speaker 8 But a novel thing in this line is a one-fingered glove, or perhaps it might be called a one-fingered mitten.

Speaker 8 In which the thumb and first finger are provided for precisely as they would in any glove with a covering for each, while the other three fingers are enclosed in a mitten-like part.

Speaker 7 It's actually very lobstery.

Speaker 3 It's a very lobster-clawed design. So you get a free finger, a thumb, and then you lump in the three.

Speaker 7 Ronnie is doing actually a very impressive job. There's really good dexterity on that hand.

Speaker 8 It's Star Trek-y.

Speaker 3 This is Ninja Turtle glove.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that is Ninja. That's what they, yeah, that is what it is.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and this. No, this is dumb.
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 3 Pick a lane. Are you a glover?

Speaker 8 Because what we're saying is just do a glove, right?

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 I'm saying if you want to do some dexterity,

Speaker 3 put some articulation into your glove you wouldn't do

Speaker 3 Thumb first finger and then three fingers because that's uncomfortable you would do thumb two fingers and then another Oh, you're pitching hoof. Okay, yeah, but even that is

Speaker 7 Yeah, it's not great, but I get that a little more you have the spock lock.

Speaker 3 Yeah, this

Speaker 7 I say pick a lane. Well, look, obviously it didn't last because

Speaker 7 I've never heard of this fucking style of glove or mitten.

Speaker 3 I guess it's a glitter.

Speaker 8 Maybe it's time to bring it back.

Speaker 7 No, that's not what anyone's saying.

Speaker 3 It's a like the Japanese invented the boot that had a separate toe. I think it's called like a Tobi thing, where they were the first people to like put a slit in the boot, right?

Speaker 3 The army boot so that the toe was separated. Yeah.
And then that allowed them to basically conquer half the world because they figured out wait what just happened? That's so amazing.

Speaker 3 Because it was more comfortable for them to wear. No, because they were able to grip slippery ground more in Southeast Asia.

Speaker 3 And so they just had a grip advantage and they just defeated half of Asia.

Speaker 8 These are the kind of facts that Joe Rogan loves.

Speaker 3 And so if you separate the toe, you conquer the world. You separate the mitten and you get nothing.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You get like a, you get arthritis. You know what I mean? Because you got to do that the whole time.
And then

Speaker 3 it hurts. You get finger pain.
Good idea, wrong body pot, and it's a difference between you know that's what the American was doing.

Speaker 7 He was like, What happened? Uh, with this, we're gonna do we're gonna conquer the world with our free finger mitten.

Speaker 3 It's like shark tank, they're like, We see your margins, they're not good,

Speaker 3 dude. Shot tank is hilarious.
If this was the first shot tank, it's so great.

Speaker 3 Welcome to Glitton's out right away. Yeah,

Speaker 8 mittens are warmer, but a driver must wear gloves or have at least one finger free to enable him to handle the reins.

Speaker 3 Oh, so this is before a car, so you've got to have

Speaker 3 holding the reins.

Speaker 3 Yeah, have a glove.

Speaker 3 Have a glove.

Speaker 8 It's a backward step.

Speaker 7 We don't need it.

Speaker 8 The one-fingered glove is made for the special convenience. With the thumb and forefinger free, he can handle all the lines

Speaker 8 all right while his hands

Speaker 8 for the rest of them protected as they would be by mittens yeah you guys just don't get it yeah it's just obviously very stupid yeah i'm okay one-finger gloves are also bought by shipping clerks and bookkeepers and others around markets yeah because you gotta go but you again you cannot pitch me on the great advantage of having one fingered free when we have five well maybe you don't want these three fingers to be lonely Super weird pitch.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? I take it back though. I was being stupid.
I said you should go one, two fingers, and two fingers. I'm assuming your hand is open all the time.

Speaker 3 But if your hand is closed all the time, then the one, one, three actually,

Speaker 3 you know, if you do finger, if you do finger guns,

Speaker 3 it's for pointing. Finger guns.
Yeah. Yeah, finger guns.

Speaker 7 I don't hate the double. I still like this.

Speaker 8 Yeah. I don't think that's as useful as the, yeah, because the finger pointing.
What if you're a guy who does this all the time?

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's like literally the target is like the shooter audience. where he's like unfortunately the mitten does not provide me my separating point

Speaker 7 and sir let me show you the glitten now this is great

Speaker 8 where Where more or less of the business must be attended to outdoors, a man can't very well handle a pencil with mittens on his hands, but he can swing

Speaker 3 one

Speaker 3 with the same thing. You got to pick a lane.

Speaker 7 You got to pick a lane. Are you writing or are you, you know what I mean? You take it off.
It's actually very similar.

Speaker 7 You know, the glove technology now where they're like, you can use your phone with the glove. It didn't work either.

Speaker 7 You know what I mean? It's gloves.

Speaker 3 It's just gloves. It's just gloves.
Pick a lane. Yeah, it's gloves.
We don't need to reinvent a glove. No.
You don't need to reinvent it.

Speaker 7 Trying to like text with a glove on is very maddening now.

Speaker 3 They're like,

Speaker 3 yeah, go ahead. No, no, you go ahead.
I have nothing.

Speaker 3 Sorry. No, I was just going to add, Dave, is this like an ad or is it like an article?

Speaker 8 No, this is just a story.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay.

Speaker 7 It's probably an ad.

Speaker 8 No, it's really not. It's just, it's just a guy.
Because the next story is about a rough rider's bicycle. A cycle designed to go over rough country has been tried on the Horse Guards Parade.

Speaker 8 For the purposes of the trial, the parade was made into rough country with slabs of timber and miniature heaps of brick.

Speaker 8 The machine is said to have cleared these with ease and its rider to have cleared them with comfort. If this be so, the public will soon be a better customer for the invention

Speaker 8 than the war office. Half success is better in such a contrivance than none at all.

Speaker 8 The cycle is exceptionally sensitive to obstruction, and anything that tends to brace its nerves against ordinary difficulties of that sort will be a great boon.

Speaker 3 Dirt bite.

Speaker 3 It was like reading, not many people could read back then, and

Speaker 3 they also made the language really tough.

Speaker 3 So so even if you could read you couldn't understand what was i know you know yeah they put too many words in there they put way too many words in constantly too many words and it's yeah it's very like this is how you do the story hey they made a they made a bike that can go over uh rough road we got a rider like bricks and yeah

Speaker 3 it rides over bricks yeah this might have been the this might have been like the tesla of the day people were like whoa this bike can go over rocks

Speaker 7 because if you tried to take it up a rock it wouldn't move

Speaker 3 yeah but this one could yeah i guess was it like a penny fothing one with the big front and the small bag or i don't know but i will say that i do believe the boer war had was the first time that people used bicycles in the war that's hilarious which war so that's the boer war the

Speaker 7 the one we're just talking about the bicycle but that didn't last very long it seems did it the bike the bike and war yeah i don't know but i feel like the tech moved past that pretty i mean imagining people on bikes for war

Speaker 7 is good times.

Speaker 3 It was a good, like two months of that tech

Speaker 3 before it became.

Speaker 7 Well, imagine like trying to bat. Like, I think that would, like, the horse does all the work for it.
You don't need to, like, focus on what the horse is.

Speaker 7 The bike, I would imagine when there was incoming fire, you would just be like, oh, shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 7 It just resulted in a lot of British people on there. Like, ew, damn.

Speaker 8 Harder to shoot. out from under you.

Speaker 3 Harder to shoot on the bicycle as well because you got to battle.

Speaker 8 Yeah, harder to shoot bicycle, maybe.

Speaker 3 I love how, like, like, you know, how like 90% of our society and technology is from military technology? It's pretty cool. Yeah, it would be pretty wild if like bicycles were invented for war.

Speaker 3 I didn't even feel like, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 Well, it's just something like Q would pitch to James Bond. Like, his next item, James.

Speaker 3 It's called a war bike. Oh, and that's how, like, and that's how, like,

Speaker 3 what's it called? Like, X-Games BMX biking was came from that.

Speaker 3 From war. Yeah.
You know those, what do you call the dressage? You know, dressage. Yeah,

Speaker 7 Dave is a big dressage guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the horses. The little dancing horses.
Yeah, and then someone was asking what that was. Like, how does that relate to war? Because all the Olympic games are like war games, right?

Speaker 3 You know, like Javelin is like throwing the spear and then, you know, and Marathon was like scouts scouting and then running back to tell the general the information.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Yeah, so dressage was

Speaker 3 it? Yeah, it was. It was after you killed someone on your horse, you train your horse to stomp on them so they would die.
Oh, that's

Speaker 7 way fucking darker than what I imagined.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. So dressage was like if you injure your opponent, the horse will come and finish the job by like stomping on his head.
Yeah, man.

Speaker 7 I got really mixed feelings about that, but I'm pretty much in. And I think we should bring it back where if you're performing dressage, you should have someone you don't like under your horse.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 7 If If you're in competition, it should be allowed to stomp that.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm sure that's what they're visualizing. The competitors.
They're like, wow.

Speaker 3 This guy.

Speaker 7 Has a sport ever become less exciting from one move? You take out the horse murdering dressage is like, what are we watching?

Speaker 3 Yeah, just horses doing the tangles. Yeah, yeah, that's really happening.

Speaker 8 Insane.

Speaker 7 That's awesome.

Speaker 8 This is just a blurb. Since the dawn of history, those nations which have flourished most have cultivated some form of athletics.

Speaker 3 Man, really on this. But everybody does

Speaker 8 all fucking, all countries have athletic.

Speaker 8 Everybody has that. There's no way.

Speaker 3 Is the New York Post? Why is this so pro sports? And a man is a man when he's doing it.

Speaker 3 Period.

Speaker 3 You guys just love sports. Yeah.

Speaker 7 The next article is about kids using litter bottles.

Speaker 8 um the cocaine habit is spreading death and desolation throughout this country

Speaker 8 it would seem about time that the lawmaking process both state and national should make some move to prevent the spread of the nefarious traffic in the drug wow 1900s i thought they were all down with cocaine

Speaker 8 But I think they're now starting to realize like, hey, man, this is getting kind of weird.

Speaker 3 Really? In 1900s? Wow. I thought that was prime time.
cocaine was like sugar they just uh put some coke in your you know whatever doing bumps off of lobsters yeah

Speaker 3 yeah i thought that man 1900s they were what they some guy was like hey listen this is a problem

Speaker 7 great run though like for what a man i mean it really takes so much for us as a society to be like

Speaker 7 Everyone's getting a little crazy.

Speaker 3 Everyone at 5 a.m.

Speaker 7 Like, they're kind of geeking out a little bit. Like, they're getting annoying.

Speaker 7 Like, just at a saloon with some guy, like, did I ever also tell you about the time that I drank all that ale out of a barrel but the guy didn't even know like yeah you ever tell you about that time you're like jesus christ and

Speaker 3 this saloon's weird

Speaker 3 where did they did you guys know where they like cocaine wasn't coming from mexico back then right it was i think it was it was oh okay okay all the way to northeast wow yeah you could

Speaker 8 yeah you could engage well because it was a it was a pharmaceutical so the the pharmaceutical companies would have been the ones buying it and pushing it.

Speaker 7 Handing your pharmacist the prescription for cocaine.

Speaker 3 I'm gonna

Speaker 3 just

Speaker 8 so doctor, listen. On Friday, I have uh, it's called a party.

Speaker 4 Well, here are you gonna, you want to have a good time?

Speaker 7 Yeah, I'm gonna write you uh eight milligrams of, we're calling this an eight ball, eight milligrams of chaot.

Speaker 8 And I'm going to Vegas also the next week.

Speaker 3 Here's what I do.

Speaker 7 If this chach is too much and they don't have it, get low-grade booger sugars to save you.

Speaker 3 Do you think those guys who were like, were thinking like, hey, we should just produce this in the U.S.?

Speaker 3 Was there ever U.S.-made cocaine? I mean, I've had it, and it's pretty much baking soda.

Speaker 3 It's like,

Speaker 7 somehow it doesn't make you chatty, but your dick still shrinks.

Speaker 3 This is all downside?

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 3 And this guy who was writing about was probably in the minority, right? He was like, hey, cocaine might be bad for us. I was like, shut up.
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, Chuck.

Speaker 8 Fuck this guy.

Speaker 7 What are you doing, Larry?

Speaker 7 Or the pharmacist has to explain to you, like, has anyone explained to you how to use cocaine?

Speaker 7 You're going to want to, if you're at a bar, go to the bathroom, put it on the toilet seat.

Speaker 3 Can I put some bag?

Speaker 2 In my gums? Can I put the coils?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you want to do it.

Speaker 7 That's called a gummer.

Speaker 3 That's a good idea. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Absolutely.

Speaker 8 Can I put some in a cigarette?

Speaker 3 Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 7 You can actually snow cap it, we call it. Go for it.

Speaker 3 Okay. It's best if you have a look looking glass and you put it on your looking glass.
Yeah, that's perfect.

Speaker 8 Can I mix it with a downer?

Speaker 7 You're going to want to if you want to try to go to bed about 5-6 in the morning. You're going to want to take a little Xanax.

Speaker 3 Let me write you a little prescription for that.

Speaker 7 Hey, how great is our society, by the by?

Speaker 8 Yeah. Now we do this with fentanyl and oxy.

Speaker 3 Anywho.

Speaker 8 A citizens of Eldered, Pennsylvania,

Speaker 8 started and carries on a nitroglycerin and dynamite factory. Sorry, a citizen S.

Speaker 8 So a lady, a citizen S

Speaker 8 has started and carries on a nitroglycerin and dynamite factory. A miss of Rochester owns and operates a butcher shop.

Speaker 8 Two women of Passaic, New Jersey have just been arrested for turning an illicit distillery. And yet, there are some men

Speaker 8 mean and prejudiced enough to deny the advantages of female higher education.

Speaker 3 wow what a weird turn of the article it became a pro

Speaker 3 female education article

Speaker 8 based on yeah i mean is he saying that ladies can probably about to go and it's going to go to a recipe at any second

Speaker 3 he this this this guy is pro-suffrage he was like women should be in school look they made illicit nitroglycerin and explosives so yeah clearly they can handle the workload yeah and they're doing it without cocaine Yeah.

Speaker 7 But yeah, that is very, very progressive for 1900 to be like, man, let's educate women. It was like, I told you we shouldn't have let them wear pants.
Listen to what's happening now.

Speaker 3 Now they want schools.

Speaker 7 Then they're going to stop fucking us.

Speaker 3 It's also amazing that

Speaker 3 they got arrested for it. Because you figure in the 1900s, nobody was arresting anyone for anything.
I mean, it's so.

Speaker 3 And these dudes were, they got arrested for making explosives. Like,

Speaker 3 that's such a specific.

Speaker 3 yeah you know like someone had to like someone had to like find out and then they had to alert someone who cared yeah it had to be

Speaker 7 it had to be egregious for them to be like even murder they'd be like stop doing that yeah they were like either handle it yourself or yeah

Speaker 3 so man these these women i wonder

Speaker 3 good for them i guess yeah

Speaker 3 yeah

Speaker 8 uh judas the betrayer the decoy steer of the Chicago Stockyards and his work.

Speaker 8 One of the sites of the great cattle yards in Chicago is an old white ox named Judas.

Speaker 8 An ox may rise to eminence by his cunning and wisdom, as well as a man, and Judas has risen.

Speaker 7 This is such a weird this is like a Disney plot.

Speaker 8 He came to the yards a good many years ago, and while he was yet a frisky steer, and he was immediately purchased by one of the great packing houses and driven from the train

Speaker 8 to a distant yard. The life of most animals at the cattle yards is very short, a week at most.

Speaker 8 A few days after the arrival of Judas, the herd of cattle which occupied the pen with him was selected for killing.

Speaker 3 Select it.

Speaker 7 Select it. Congratulations.

Speaker 8 Boys, it's time.

Speaker 3 It's had a good week.

Speaker 8 The way to the packing house led down a long alley, way

Speaker 8 an alleyway with high fences on each side, then up a narrow chute and into the building.

Speaker 8 And for some reason, the cattle seem to know what is coming, for they always object to being driven up the chute.

Speaker 8 Well,

Speaker 3 they smell the death.

Speaker 8 That would be the thing. Animals don't run towards death, so that would be the thing is they're like, it smells like death.
So they had this amazing coming where they're like, don't go towards death.

Speaker 7 You can probably hear the screams inside of the other cattle.

Speaker 3 That's probably nice.

Speaker 3 I also, I know, I don't want to preempt this story. I don't know how it's going to end, but like, you know, considering how religious everybody was back then, why would you name something Judas?

Speaker 7 Yeah, it's throwing me off a little bit. Yeah, I guess there's going to be a betrayal that's coming up.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but yeah, it's got to be.

Speaker 8 Judas was no exception. He plunged madly about among the herd, and the cattlemen had more trouble with him than any other.

Speaker 8 And now there's a little illustration of Judas in action, and it's basically just a steer walking down a area near a building

Speaker 7 but you gotta love the illustrations i know they were like saying to the artist like look we don't have time but he was supposed to be like really upset i don't know what to tell you dude

Speaker 8 at last however he seemed to realize that sooner or later he must go and he made a

Speaker 8 a virtue of a necessity, trotted quietly up the chute, and the other cattle followed after him.

Speaker 8 Thus he ran until he had just reached the door of the packing house. Then he turned and galloped down a side passage and escaped while the other cattle went onward into the building.
So he found a

Speaker 8 okay. So I just want to say like as a heartwarming story.

Speaker 8 I'm not a guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it is a heartwarming story. I'm not a guy who

Speaker 3 cow lived.

Speaker 8 But if you're killing cows, would you not have a door for one

Speaker 3 to run out?

Speaker 3 What do you mean?

Speaker 8 Would you not have an escape door?

Speaker 3 Oh, obviously, yeah, you gotta have it.

Speaker 7 Yeah, no, if they want it bad enough.

Speaker 3 Well, the escape doors for the breeding. That's the one you select to breed the next batch because you know this guy's the strongest.

Speaker 8 Yeah, this guy's the smartest and strongest. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 Judas had been so very clever that the good-natured natured cattleman let him go for that day.

Speaker 7 Okay, they're killing hundreds of cattle. The good-natured cattlemen.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 7 What a bunch of sweethearts.

Speaker 8 They're being nice.

Speaker 7 Yeah, so sweet.

Speaker 8 For geniuses to be appreciated in steer as well as a man.

Speaker 8 The next day, however, they drove him up again with another herd. And this time, he made not the slightest objection, but trotted forward quietly with the other steer.
Horrendous. This is

Speaker 8 a confident leader. They behaved admirably.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 It's probably going to end like Charlotte's Web, I guess.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I mean, honestly, like the fact that there was one feel-good moment and and they're like, and the next day, Judas was ground beat.

Speaker 3 Okay,

Speaker 3 awesome. What the fuck?

Speaker 8 Just as Judas reached the door of the building, he dodged again so suddenly that the men couldn't turn him and escaped as he had done before while the herd behind him went creating into the killing room.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, we know what's happening.

Speaker 7 Just

Speaker 7 highlight Judas. Stop telling us that every other one was divided in 30 seconds.
And 80 others went on what they call the shock floor

Speaker 3 it's just like it's like the movie the the the killing field where that lady wakes up in the killing field it's the same thing but judas got out again

Speaker 8 since then judas has been a regular employee of the cattle yards every day

Speaker 7 yeah no so we now have him shepherd his friends That's why they're calling him Judas.

Speaker 8 Every day he leads up a herd of cattle and every day he dodges just at the door of the building. So he's leading his fellow cows to their death.

Speaker 3 Wow. So Judas is a fucking piece of shit.
Yeah, what a piece of shit. That's awful.
Jesus Christ. That's awful when, you know, desperate times, people do cows.
Yeah, that is this. We've heard of this.

Speaker 3 We don't even need to cite the nightmarish people who take that role. But Judas, Chris.

Speaker 3 He is safe. It's fine.
He is safe. I mean, I'm still here, aren't I? Trust me.
I'm doing fine.

Speaker 3 Awesome.

Speaker 8 He has saved the cattlemen no end of trouble and delay with a riotous herd since he began his service. He has grown fat and sleek on the good living in the yard.

Speaker 3 Judas.

Speaker 7 So Judas the cow is now like eight cow sizes. And they're like, Judas, what's going on? He's like,

Speaker 7 hey, fellas,

Speaker 7 let me show you to paradise.

Speaker 7 Just follow me over this way through this alleyway.

Speaker 3 And ignore the blood and the screams.

Speaker 4 Judas, why are all these?

Speaker 7 And it's just screams of joy.

Speaker 3 Follow me a little further. Oh, you're going to love what's behind these doors.
It's

Speaker 3 blood of joy, too.

Speaker 7 Are you so excited? You're going to squirt some out of you.

Speaker 7 You boys are about to have the time of your life.

Speaker 3 No, man.

Speaker 3 Just like gets handfuls of more grass.

Speaker 8 So highly are his services regarded that the cattlemen provide him with a white blanket on cold days to keep him comfortable.

Speaker 3 This is fucking insane.

Speaker 8 I'm sorry, boys. It's time to put on my smock.

Speaker 7 I mean, he's like Cruella Deville. He's like, I have a coat of Dalmatian.

Speaker 7 Judas, what's going on? Don't worry about it.

Speaker 3 He's got like gold rings. Is that chinchillo coat?

Speaker 7 Follow me, fellas. Let me show you how to dig these cool cats.

Speaker 3 Judas, what's going on with you?

Speaker 7 Judas took a human wife.

Speaker 3 Oh, you fucker.

Speaker 8 You got blood on my chinchilla coat.

Speaker 7 You're going to be murdered extra.

Speaker 7 I mean, you're gonna go extra paradise today

Speaker 7 by the way i've introduced y'all to shelly we're engaged

Speaker 8 uh and thus he is living to a green old age but he bears the disrespectful name of judas the betrayer

Speaker 3 i see he was he was named after the fact i thought i was like why would you call this cow before the fact

Speaker 3 yeah that's a real nature nurture if you name him judas yeah i guess become a real betrayer.

Speaker 7 That is fucking nuts.

Speaker 8 This is a little section called

Speaker 8 News and Notes for Women.

Speaker 3 This is going to be awesome.

Speaker 7 Keep those legs together, girls. No one wants to sniff the clam.

Speaker 3 What? 1900?

Speaker 8 New jewel boxes. Treasure boxes.

Speaker 7 Blinking is a huge turnoff.

Speaker 8 Treasure boxes for the odds and ends that get lost so easily if scattered about the dressing table are circular in form of substantial Russian leather and fitted with a glass-topped cover.

Speaker 8 Though this circle of glass, one can see what is in the box without unscrewing the lid, which is an advantage for the time-pressed modern butterfly.

Speaker 3 That's the news for women. I guess that was

Speaker 3 like the page that the husband would be like you can read this yes

Speaker 8 here's your section read about your

Speaker 7 like dirty money here you go gladys now shut up for eight minutes and read that would you

Speaker 7 there's some shit in this about your knickknack box yeah good news now you can finally see through it without unscrewing it you idiot

Speaker 3 uh

Speaker 8 One woman's pleasant occupation. Raising mockingbirds is furnishing a southern southern girl with an interesting occupation and good income.

Speaker 8 Her brothers catch the young birds in the nest before they learn to fly and convey them to the cages, where, as they grow, they are taught nearly everything in the way of a song or whistle that a mockingbird can acquire.

Speaker 8 And that is a great deal.

Speaker 7 Not for the mockingbird.

Speaker 8 Well, the mockingbird is the worst bird. There's no worst bird on earth.
The mockingbird is a hellish nightmare.

Speaker 8 They never shut the fuck up. They are just constantly screaming other bird noises.
They're a terrible bird and they they should all be caged like this.

Speaker 3 They're

Speaker 3 the ones that featured in that Looney Tunes cartoon where those two black birds were being total dicks. I think they're crows.
I've noticed what crows are. I think they're crows.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 8 No, the mockingbird literally. I forgot about those.
The mockingbird literally is a mocking bird. It just hears another bird and then does their sound.
That's awesome.

Speaker 8 But the problem is, a lot of times they like to do it in the middle of the night because that's when they do their mating shit and they wake up.

Speaker 3 Eddie Murphy of birds. Yeah,

Speaker 3 they can do anyone. If they listen to it for five minutes, they can do anybody.
They mimic it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I love it.

Speaker 7 In the middle of the night to do another bird's mating call to try to fuck other birds.

Speaker 3 That's awesome.

Speaker 3 Is that why they're doing it?

Speaker 8 That's so great. Fuck the fuckboy of birds.

Speaker 7 Yeah, the fucking bird.

Speaker 7 That would be so awesome. Yeah, just like a woman's like, oh shit, I think there's a cardinal up there.
Hey, it's like catfishing.

Speaker 3 It's OG catfishing of birds.

Speaker 7 You're not a cardinal. I'm not, but I'm really not a fuck.

Speaker 3 Oh, are you?

Speaker 3 Oh, no,

Speaker 3 they could just keep it on. It'd be like,

Speaker 3 I am a cardinal. Would a cardinal.
That's why they do it at night. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Come out of the shadows.

Speaker 7 I shouldn't.

Speaker 7 Now lift up your feathers or whatever, however, we do this.

Speaker 8 However, we do this.

Speaker 3 Shoho.

Speaker 8 After a course of instruction, the birds are rented for $50 a season to the visitors who winter at the hotels and cottages.

Speaker 8 The birds furnish pleasant entertainment for invalids who spend a large part of their time indoors and will pay a price for the companionship of these faithful creatures.

Speaker 3 That is wild. Wow, they were like the first like Spotify or something.
Yeah, that's

Speaker 3 50 bucks was a lot of money, man. Yeah, yeah.
In 19 it's a lot of money now

Speaker 3 1900s 50 bucks was like you could buy a house or something.

Speaker 7 Yeah invalid

Speaker 7 Shit.

Speaker 8 We want to do one more real quick Dave one last one yeah. Okay.
A new this is also in the ladies section a new veil recommended especially for driving has a transparent eye shield underneath which is

Speaker 3 a sheet

Speaker 7 What innovation is it to have a veil you can see good news ladies

Speaker 7 You've all been whining about how important vision was while operating a motor vehicle.

Speaker 3 Well, those days are over. Yeah, seeing is believing.

Speaker 8 Yeah, a transparent eye shield underneath, which it is said to protect the eyes from the dust,

Speaker 8 it has becoming qualities too, without which a veil must not seek favor, no matter how useful it may be as a screen.

Speaker 3 So it's amazing that that it's for dust. That's like the saddest.
It's just so weird.

Speaker 8 What about goggles? People have goggles.

Speaker 7 Yeah, drive. Hey, girls, how about some driving goggles?

Speaker 3 A veil? Yeah.

Speaker 7 But so men are just driving around without

Speaker 7 the dust really throws me for a loop in this.

Speaker 8 Yeah, your face is getting dusty, yeah.

Speaker 3 Sure, but like, I mean, these, these want, they want driving Ferraris, you know?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's that is very true. Like, what?

Speaker 8 Well, I mean, you're talking about dirt roads, so I just think there's dust everywhere.

Speaker 3 I mean, but there was dust everywhere outside the roads, too. You know, yeah,

Speaker 3 it would be worse walking while cars are.

Speaker 8 Yeah, no, that's true. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 So it's just, and our solution is veil only the women. Yeah.
Here you go, girls.

Speaker 7 Cover those stupid eyes.

Speaker 3 When I think 1900s, I do think dusty, though.

Speaker 3 I do too. Yeah.

Speaker 7 No, I remember one thing I remember about, like, I don't even know.

Speaker 7 I don't remember what year the Dust Bowl was, but the one thing that always sticks with me is that if you had any plates or anything, everything had to be turned upside down before you used it.

Speaker 7 And I'm like, I just can't wait to get back to it.

Speaker 8 Yeah, we're coming back. There was a big dust arm in Dallas last week.

Speaker 7 There you go. Perfect ending.
Ronnie, thank you for joining us.

Speaker 7 Learned so much.

Speaker 3 I learned so much. Thanks so much for having me on.
I love these. I think you guys really educating everyone on how much it sucked to live in the world in the past times.

Speaker 7 If we were to cut a promo, that would 100% end up in it.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 7 That's like when they say the name of the movie in the movie.

Speaker 3 It's just like, I don't know, I just have a beautiful mind.

Speaker 7 Well, thanks so much, Ronnie. Appreciate you.

Speaker 3 No, I love you guys. Thanks for having me on.
Go fuck yourself. Oh.

Speaker 3 Some of these days.

Speaker 3 You'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 3 Some of these days.

Speaker 2 I promise you're going to laugh.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

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