144 - The Past Times with Carmen Lagala

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All right, everybody.

Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Carmen Ligala.

Thank you for joining us so much.

Thank you for having me so much.

It's exciting.

You said before we started, this is really big for you.

We appreciate that.

That was nice to hear.

This is the biggest thing I've done all day.

Yeah, no, and it is late.

For those listening, it is 9 p.m.

9 p.m.

is when we're recording.

Carmen, you're on the road.

You have a special called Sweet Batch.

People can just go look at that on YouTube.

That's the best way.

For free.

For no reason.

Yeah, for free.

For free.

So how are you recouping the

shooting of the special?

You're just hoping that.

Yeah, that's the way to do it.

Isn't that great that the way that always works out?

Yeah.

We used to, back in the day, we used to make money off the stuff.

No, it's really amazing.

And here's what's weird.

Seems like some people are getting very rich.

Yes.

And then the artistes are

not sharing in the spoils.

It's interesting.

Well, have you considered going on a podcast and saying racist and anti-trans thing?

On this one.

I plan on really really

spiking my numbers on this one um but no congratulations on the special thank you for being here what are you on the road a lot right now i'm here and there yeah uh i'm in i don't even know like i'm somewhere well done tomorrow um i want to say somewhere tomorrow like yeah somewhere

no you live in the moment you live in the moment now that you've just recorded your special are you enjoying uh

just kind of going out there and not feeling rigid and regimented?

Or are you like feeling like you're trying to invent?

Where are you at in your process of,

are you still doing the special?

No, God, no.

No, as soon as it was recorded, it was over.

And people will show up to my shows and be like, I thought you were just going to do stuff from the special.

I'm like, what?

Who?

Isn't that funny when people think that?

Yes.

What an honor it would be to just be like, and now I'm still doing the material.

Well, have you ever heard of Denny Johnson?

He was like

really early comedian, early 80s.

But

he wrote 45 minutes in like a month and then toured on it.

I'm not kidding for 20 years.

It's awesome.

He never did anything else.

Like, never tweaked it or anything.

He just did exactly what he was doing.

It's amazing to never

tweak.

No, it's perfect.

It was crazy.

People aren't laughing that much.

I'm not changing it.

No, that happened with Pablo Francisco, I think, for a while, where people are like, he is still doing like movie announcer man.

Yeah, I've heard he still does that, but people love it.

That's what they want to.

I mean, he is so fucking funny.

All right.

Well, it's not about him.

Your special sweet batch is way funnier than anything he's ever done, except for when he fell off stage.

It's my impression of Pablo for 52 minutes.

We're all doing Pablo.

I mean, let's be honest.

All right, so Carmen, we're going to go through this old weird newspaper.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I I do that all the time.

What made you do that?

Do you?

Yeah.

I like the ones that they just weren't, didn't have a lot going on sometimes, and they're just like.

So you're probably going to enjoy doing this show.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

This is pretty much.

I'm like, I'm like,

Astra today.

You're like,

a lot of that stuff.

Well, let's start with this then.

What we like to do is we like to start off by having the guests try to guess what year you think this will be from with no frame of reference.

I'll also take a guess.

You'll win no matter what happens because Dave's a bit of a psychopath and has issues with me.

But,

you know, it could be, I mean, it could be 1800s, 1900s, maybe 17.

It won't be above the 2100s because we haven't gotten there yet.

We don't do future 1200.

1312?

That would be our earliest.

You're talking tattoo tablet times?

Yeah,

the tablet times.

Good ring.

I'm going to guess

804.

Ooh, Carmen wins.

It is 1906.

Oh, I was close.

Yes.

And you were well, not really.

It's just

the grand timeline of all existence.

I was, I'm pretty close.

That's

it.

If you think about it that way,

since mankind began.

Show mankind.

Listen to him mansplaining.

I like to call it womankind personally.

Allie, go ahead.

It is July 5th, 1906.

The central Nevadan.

Central.

Yeah.

There's a lot going on in the middle of Nevada.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah.

It's a great state.

An extra Sunday.

Finally.

Now, the question is, how are they spelling it?

If it's another day of the week or some kid just hit the jackpot on his birthday, there will be 53 Sundays this year, an occurrence that will not happen again for 110 years.

I still am curious on the spelling because either way, it still works for me, to be honest.

Did it just happen?

I think it did, yeah.

Is this the leap?

2016 piece?

Okay.

What?

It must have been, yeah.

I missed it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We get into the central Nevada news this day.

Damn it.

How often does leap here happen?

Is it fun?

Before.

My uncle was born on a leap day.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

They love that joke where they're like, I'm 12.

And you're like,

okay.

Yeah, we get it.

That's hilarious.

Oh, they were shorted a sense of humor, but they got that one line.

But get to do that joke.

They tore off that for 20 years.

They get to do that joke, but then you just don't buy them birthday gifts.

Yeah, yeah, cool.

12.

And you can be a pedophile.

It's a nice little loophole.

Oh, my God.

No, I'm 12.

That's what Trump said.

These are all leap children.

This extra Sunday can be utilized in attending church, calling your best girl.

Wow.

We are

going on.

Reading the scripture?

Wow.

So it feels like one and three are pretty related.

Playing with the children.

Easy.

Sitting around masturbating.

Wait a minute.

Stop adding them.

Stop adding them.

Sit around masturbating.

Paint the fence.

Kill your neighbor.

Bury him in his own yard.

Breaking in a two-year-old cult.

Breaking in what?

A two-year-old cult?

Colt?

Yeah, a horse.

C-O-L-T.

Colt.

Not a cult.

I thought I heard cults.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I said cult.

I was like, what are they into cults in mid-Nevada?

I can see it.

Interesting.

Breaking a house.

You can break a cult.

You can get a two-year-old cult.

You can go to church.

You can.

Yeah, hit your horse.

You can hit your kids.

Oh,

and then they say, or some other way.

Oh, so there's some other options, too.

It doesn't necessarily need to be religiously based or calling your best girl.

110 years from this date, you will probably be paying the penalty or enjoying the pleasures of the method in which you chose to spend this extra Sunday.

This writer needs to chill the fuck out, obviously.

That is high stakes on an extra Sunday.

They were like, Frank, can you pad the paper a little bit?

Yeah, yeah.

He's like,

if you don't send this paper to 15 more people,

your children will die in a barn fire if you do not.

Too much novel.

again.

There's a lot of wordplay because it could be too much reading or too much of a sort of interesting thing.

Is it same author?

Yeah, well, yeah, it doesn't say who the back then they didn't say who it was.

It's usually just the guy.

That's why the article can be so bad.

Yeah, it's just it is just the guy who edited it.

He's like, mm-hmm.

Pansy West.

Pansy, terrible name.

Yeah, great.

Employed in a dance hall at, I can't read that.

Ionopab, maybe?

Shot herself through the left breast Thursday morning, dying instantly.

Oh, she's not.

That is my least favorite

breast.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm going to shoot one, honestly.

If you're going to shoot one who doesn't

pick.

I always go left.

As a man who understands the human body, maybe I would have put a heart?

Well, okay, I'll jump in with my note if we're going to do notes now.

It seems like she died from the gunshot.

So yeah, it's more, I like that, it's definitely a man who wrote this because he's like, we're mourning the boob.

The woman's dead, but Jesus Christ, why couldn't she have died through the stomach?

There will be a breast memorial tomorrow.

I'm eulogizing her left hit.

She had been reading a novel entitled Thrown on the World, and it is supposed that in a sudden fit of despondency, she took her life.

Oh, shit.

Jesus,

this headline could use so much work.

But this is what they always do.

They have no idea about psychology, and they're just like, well, she looked at the cow and it looked sad, so she killed herself.

Like, no,

a long time went into this.

Sad, despondent woman shot herself through the chest, and this guy was like, lady red book, shot it.

That sounds like a.

Maybe she didn't want to work at a dance hall.

Stop.

Yeah, what does that mean?

uh dance direct could have a couple meetings but it's where the kids would get it's where the you know it's where the kids would go you'd take your best girl you'd hang out you'd do the sock hop you know

you'd you everyone would start to feel fluids building up inside themselves and there was nothing they could do about it until they got married fluids be a good it could just be a place where people would go to dance she could be a paid

she's paid to dance with fellas oh or maybe she like like stood on a little stage and danced.

Yeah, but I remember.

I mean, I have no idea.

I met, when I first moved here, I met a girl and she worked at a dance hall, and they would give guys tugs.

They would dance, they would get paid to dance with them, and then they'd give them a tug.

It would be like the, well, I'm paid to dance, but then they'd

like dancing dancing, not like

stripping.

Regular dancing, and then they took them off.

Yeah, that's what Dave's pitching.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They just dancing and jacking.

I don't know.

I mean, everybody's got their thing.

I listen.

How do you just go to dance?

You're going to the dance and jack again, aren't you?

To dance with you.

You don't like to dance with me, so I got to go down there and get to dance with you.

Well, no, then you made the dance the jack.

All right, everyone.

Do the jack.

This is how it's legal.

So she's like the heat ledger of her time.

She is.

Yeah.

She took her life after reading the sentence.

How do they know what sentence she read?

What is going on here?

Absolute bullshit.

Look, I'm going to cut open her brain to see what sentence she read.

It was this one.

Or maybe she's reading out loud, yelling it.

That's the only way.

This is the sentence.

That life had become a trouble and a burden greater than she could bear.

They did not know the swift, sudden, terrible death came to her as a blessing in disguise.

It's a dark, I mean, yeah, I guess, I guess I would, I get it.

Why did she read with a loaded gun?

Isn't that how you read?

Sometimes you just take the loaded gun and you go under each other.

It's her book.

It's the bookmark.

Some people do it with their fingers.

Some people will do it with their tongue.

Yeah.

No, I don't read enough to know.

This was

this year, 1906 specifically, was the year of the shot left breast.

So this book did a lot of damage.

That's awesome.

Especially being the author.

Like if somebody listened to your podcast and people were like, the last sentence they heard was

Dave saying some shit.

Gareth doing a terrible Australian accent.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

If it was during the ads.

Oh, no.

Not during the ads.

It was during an AG1 spot.

She couldn't handle it anymore.

She was age 25 and formerly resided in San Jose, California.

That's sad.

I mean, let's just enjoy the fact that she probably would have passed away by now, anyway.

So I think we can.

She would have died naturally.

Interesting.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, they just

love to try to figure out why someone

leading with it being a breast that was shot is very

strange.

Yeah.

Injured by a bomb.

That was the third.

That'll happen.

Bombs?

Just injure.

Definitely injure.

Yeah.

This guy, the guy jumps on the scene.

He's like, any boobs near it.

Medic!

Wednesday morning, while Donald, eldest son of Mr.

and Mrs.

A.

Hoskins, why not just say Donald Hoskins?

Okay.

Was attempting to fire off a bomb.

Okay.

This is America.

I have a question.

Okay.

Why was he firing off a bomb?

America, Nevada.

It never covers that.

Well, I hope so.

Maybe not.

And there's a strong chance it won't.

It's just a weird way to start it.

Well, it's just like, yeah, the given information is just like, obviously he was letting off.

I mean, how are you going to spend your leap year Sunday?

It's 1906.

Yeah.

Yeah, what else are you going to?

It exploded the full charge of the powder striking him in the face.

Oh, shit.

He bombed his own head.

This is like an acne cartoon.

Yeah, really.

He's He's sooty.

His face turned black.

He's just a little sooty and saunters off.

He lit the fuse in the bomb, and after waiting some minutes and failed to hear a report, he went forth and was leaning over, attempting to light it the second time when it exploded.

I mean, kind of relatable.

They've all lit fireworks.

It's so deep with that.

The approach to check is very...

I feel like your approach to a whistling peat is a little bit different than than a bomb.

First of all, you think I'm whistling peats?

What do you?

You insult me, my friend.

What's your favorite fire?

The cannons.

Big boys.

The daddies.

The ones where the owner's got to come out and unlock a cabinet for you.

Is that a thing?

In Wisconsin,

really?

No.

But

no, but I get, I mean, what a nightmare to be like, did it go off?

I don't, there's a problem like inspecting your bomb fuse when it goes.

You got to wait a long time.

he waited a couple minutes it doesn't sound like he waited very long what was the terminology for waiting again he waited some moments he waited some minutes some minutes some minutes some some

some

good amounts

what's your what's your carmen what's your uh what do you do in this bomb situation what's your usual well we know we now know yeah

i probably would have done exactly what he did did he die i

completely co-sign that move.

You can't walk away and be like, well, that's that.

I'm literally getting a chair and having a beer and waiting an hour.

An hour.

I'm

hours too much.

But we don't like a bucket.

I don't know anything about bombs, but I also think that this guy didn't either.

So if we're on the same wavelength, maybe there's like a bucket and I'd put it over the bomb.

I like this line of thinking.

Hold on.

Yeah.

No, I like it.

No, no.

I believe it.

I am, again, co-signing.

I believe that is a better approach.

You've come up with the Wiley Coyote solution.

Yeah.

And then I sit on the bucket and I wait some minutes.

And now you're losing me.

Now

you're not sitting on your bomb bucket.

Otherwise, the bucket blows up all by itself.

You got to hold the bucket.

All right.

I'm getting a tub.

I'm tubbing over it.

What I thought you were going to say.

I get a bucket and I fill it with water and put the bomb in it.

I thought that's where you were going.

No, you put it over.

There's a zone of protection now.

A cover in left tits.

Yeah.

It would just be so funny to watch guys.

The tit coroner is my favorite character.

Is she alive or dead?

Well, her boobs are toast.

There's still a pulse, but there's no point in trying to keep her alive.

Look at this tit.

It's over.

The tit coroner.

I can hear you.

Quiet, you

let your boobs talk.

He was frightfully burned about the face, and it was feared for a time that his eyesight was destroyed.

But we learn he is able to see a little out of one eye.

But owing to his face being in such a swollen condition, Dr.

Pope is unable to state what extent he is injured.

I love doctors.

I mean, his face is some injury.

How bad was the bomb?

It wasn't that big of a bomb.

Yeah, it's big.

Like an M80.

No, you're out of your mind.

No, this is a bigger bomb.

No, but then he wouldn't have eyes.

He wouldn't have a face.

He basically doesn't is what they're saying.

Well, it's swollen.

He does.

Bomb.

He's got bomb heads.

An M80 would do that.

Yeah.

You're a whistling Pete.

Wow.

The way you're spinning a yarn over here.

I think we could all be doctors

then.

Do you ever feel like really confident that in 1906 you would have been like a perfectly reasonable doctor?

You could keep up

with quite a good one.

Yeah.

Although I am taking my brain of knowledge from now back with me.

Back then, I'm sure I would have been a guy who would just be like, you got trolls.

Ankle trolls.

Yeah, two.

Ankle trolls.

I've had that.

It's the worst.

It's not great.

It's not great.

Everything I think is a troll.

You got a bunch of trolls in your neck.

You understand?

You keep losing babies because you got tummy trolls.

They're the worst variety.

It probably started in your ankle.

They migrated.

At last accounts, he was resting very easy.

He's dying.

He has no face and head.

He's like, it's fine.

I'm doing well.

He's resting.

Resting.

He's just in bed dying.

And they're like, it's pretty cool.

He's sleeping really.

Like, super deep.

Like, not even breathing.

Like, he's dead sleeping.

We sincerely hope that his injuries are not bad and that his eyesight.

What a weird injury.

Both have been confirmed.

They did not do any reporting on this story.

It's like a separate guy.

I'm the bottom liner.

I don't read the article.

I just write a weird thing at the end.

Hopefully, he's okay and the bomb didn't hurt him.

What you just are writing at the end of is an article about a bomb hurting him quite badly.

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Bowed in grief.

Girls of university forbidden to partake of tamales.

What?

What?

Yeah, none of those go together.

Finally, you know what I mean?

I agree.

This is

this is important.

Is it?

College girls should not be allowed to have tamales.

Like, what are we doing?

Specifically, college girls are not allowed to have tamales.

Bowed in grief.

Bowed in grief over

not being able to have tamales.

Now, see, if it was hot tamales, the candy, I'm understanding a little bit more.

The classic 1906 candy hot tamales.

Yeah.

Maybe it's like their milk challenge.

Yes, now we're doing it.

Because regular tamale, I'm like, I like it, but as far as it's like low on my border level, tamale's

on my list of

Mexican food, tamale's is low.

Low.

It comes in a little

steamy.

It's good, but again, it seems like a heavy lift when you could just put stuff in a tortilla.

Yeah.

Whereas the tamale, it's like exhuming a body.

You're like, whoa, and then you eat it.

You're like, it's kind of dry,

but good.

It's wet, but also dry.

Yeah.

How did you make a dehydrated soaking thing?

What did you guys do?

You got to lift the hot little shell around it?

Cries of woe resound through Manzanita Hall at the State University, and the fair damsels who are getting knowledge injected will not be comforted.

And all because

their hot tamale supply has been cut off.

Now, explain to each other.

I'm assuming it's.

Yeah.

I'm assuming it's a...

Yeah, right.

I'm assuming it's an all-girls.

It's a punishment.

It's got to be an all-girls college.

Oh, see, I wouldn't even be that confident.

I could very easily see a 1906 institution be like, only men get this.

Why?

Because fuck everything.

I can't believe in 1906.

That's it.

No more tamales for the girls.

We're going to figure out who's doing dance hall tug jobs by removing your tamale line.

They couldn't have all of these fair damsels.

It's pretty generous.

Yeah.

Yeah.

True.

Yeah, there's definitely a couple.

You're saying some are naughty damsels.

Is that what you're saying?

Unfair damsels.

Troll damsels.

Don't let them in your ankle, boys.

Keep an eye on them.

It appears that for years when the north winds howled and the snow flurried such a fucking annoying article on me,

the co-eds gathered about

why are you writing it like it's a night's tale?

That's how you write a tamale story.

He wanted to be an author and he got bylines about tamales.

Yeah, yeah.

This tamale is a bit of an odyssey if you think about it.

Hank, just write the goddamn article.

I will.

It was three-part story.

A breeze hit the forehead of some of the

damsels.

Yes, go on.

That's it.

Okay.

And the co-eds gathered about the fires.

Co-eds.

And sucked at tamales wrapped in corn husks.

Whoa.

What?

Wait, is that how you're supposed to do it?

What?

Are you supposed to eat it?

I've been eating them wrong.

I have been eating them.

I have been also eating them.

I should point out.

The Mexicans are just looking at you like, Jesus Jesus Christ.

Oh, you're really good.

Like, you idiot.

Why is it wet and dry?

Because you're such a fucking idiot.

But now all this has changed through the latest ultimatum of the matron, who has just issued an edict that hereafter she will open all packages that come into the place after dark and that tamales, etc., are tabooed.

What?

How many fucking tamales?

What is happening?

It's night tamales.

Are they eating the tamales like

just a dude's a cross?

Look at the way these girls go.

Would you like another one, Gloria?

Oh my good, get more co-eds, tamales.

This is amazing.

Here you are.

But there's more to come.

The tamale man has become enraged.

Jesus.

You don't want to wake a sleeping giant.

You don't know who you're fucking with.

Oh, my God.

God.

And has ordered this ad taken out of the college paper and threatens further boycott.

So

he's enraged.

So

they forbid tamales on campus.

And so his response, his enraged response is to take the ad out because no one can

eat them.

So why would I have an ad?

That's...

All right.

What a strange little slice.

And he threatens a further boycott.

You mean like he's boycotting?

Like, why don't you get a boycott?

They can't eat the tamales.

All right.

I'm taking my business and leaving.

No, your business is shut down, tamale, man.

Nice try.

I quit.

You've just been fired.

You ever played tamale chess?

Meanwhile, the girls are sad.

No.

I mean, it is, it's, again,

of all foods to be like.

You can't handle it.

What?

If they were so good.

Like, if you told me right now, you'll never have another tamale, I would be like, be like, that's fine.

I think I made that decision.

It seems like a huge pain in the ass.

I made that decision years ago.

Steaming it again.

The tortilla has far surpassed our tamale technology.

Well, you can't eat the outside of the tamale because it's corn leaves.

Well, that part you can't.

Now I'm jumping ship from you.

Do you eat?

I don't eat that part.

The corn leaf?

Yeah, you don't eat the corn leaf?

Yeah, so what are you talking about?

It's so funny to do that.

Some guy just eating it like a banana.

Pretty bad.

i do remember when i was a kid the first time i ate reese's peanut butter cup like hearing the hype and not knowing that there was paper underneath it i'm like being like it's pretty good but that lower part ain't working great for me someone was like hey dumbass i was like oh oh this is good oh this is very good no it's like a tamale oh this is quite good actually

Now that I'm not joking on paper, this is quite a delicious treat.

Charisa, how many did you eat before you?

I think I was halfway through the second one when I was like, someone was like, buddy.

Yeah, no, you can take it apart.

Yeah.

And I was like,

I didn't learn about wrappings until I was 30.

Yeah, cereal was crazy.

Yeah, it was not good.

He was going to get knife and a fork on the box.

Yeah, I was like, that tricks are good, but man, I'll tell you what, none go down too easy.

So they must have banned them because if the girls were sucking them, then they thought that was the thing.

Is that true?

Well, if they do say sucking at the tamales, then that must be what the deal is.

Jesus Christ.

Or the tamale man was like super hot and

getting all pregnant.

Would you like to suck a tamale?

It was code.

There's so many tamale babies.

He just had hot dogs.

More tamales?

Meanwhile, the girls are sad, the tamale man angry, and the matron sits stern and silent in accordance with those pictured in storybooks.

You know, I am actually really open now to the tamale man just being a hot Lothario hearing their social media.

Yeah, I like that better.

I do too.

That's the best scenario because the rest of it's so it was a hot tamale.

But then you know it's not that because that that you're like Carmen came up with like a you came up with like a reasonable

like well maybe I get it like he's he's but then you know it's it's 1906 so it's just completely unreasonable and stupid.

Yeah.

No, it's just again like

just control the level it's control.

Yeah,

it's because it's because a bunch of co-eds like something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a problem.

Well, that was like, that's everything.

Every time like youth is like rock and roll, no, I don't think they were like, the devil will eat you, you fools.

Oh my god, they lost their mind around this time at rag dancing.

Disgusting.

A new fad.

Here we go.

Yeah, here we go.

It is now a settled thing in the fashionable world that fasting will be the next fashionable fad.

Whoa!

Oh, wait, sure, that's not this year.

No,

this is before we knew about ketosis.

Fasting is really in right now.

Yeah, fasting is so in.

We mean

not eating.

Didn't we have like what is ours called?

Just like little, just little like fasting chunks.

You do like 12 off, three on.

Yeah, what do they call it?

It's called

a window.

Intermittent.

Intermittent.

Intermittent.

Intermittent.

Intermittence.

Intermittent.

Intermittent.

Intermittencement.

Yep.

Intermittencement.

Miss.

Oh, they.

I'm on a tamale fast.

They don't put her name.

They put S and then a bunch of dashes.

Like, they don't want

to.

We're not allowed to know her name.

That's rare.

Because, see, Carmen, a lot of times in the paper, they will put the address of where someone lives back then.

Like, literally, they'll be like, you know, they'll disparage a woman and they'll be like, by the way, she's in unit four of 1455 Maple Avenue.

Just doxing in the early days.

A constant doxing.

Miss S will fat first fast two day.

It says two.

T T W O.

Okay.

Which doesn't make sense.

Two days off.

That makes sense.

Well, first fast, two, it wouldn't be days.

This is before they invented the S days.

That's right.

Two day, and then the other ladies will look her over.

Fucking what?

What?

At least it's not a guy.

The only redeeming moment I'm finding is that it's not like, and then Dr.

Clark will come in and have her, give her the once-over.

Nude, preferably, he said.

Okay, you've been fasting two days.

Take off all your clothes.

And if she's making progress and can stand it, she will find out from the other ladies how much she is improving in beauty and go ahead for another week.

Oh my God.

Jesus Christ.

Just let him eat tamales.

What the fuck?

Wait, was she fasting for a week?

No, two days.

No, but then another week.

No.

Yeah,

if the two days are successful, then she's going to keep going.

But if it's not successful,

it shouldn't be after two days.

She's like,

it should be no difference.

Yeah.

Yeah, then she's like, well, fuck it.

It doesn't work.

After two days, she's like, I had a weird taste in my mouth.

I'm a little agitated.

If she is still improving, she will go ahead and eat something as long as her beauty continues to improve.

Oh, fuck me.

Like, we're still a really damaged species, obviously, but this feels particularly dark.

What about not eating?

Yeah.

Oh, you're looking good.

None of us should eat for the boys.

Then the rest will fall in line, and Carson will have all the good-looking women in Nevada right here at home.

This is fucking weird as shit.

No, this got really good.

This is a really good story.

And all the women.

The goal is for every woman to be a 10.

This is a really good story.

Stopping.

Central Nevada's got the hottest bitches.

We all know it.

We'll say.

They're so great out there.

They don't eat food.

Having driven through Nevada, you definitely are like, everyone's perfect here.

I don't think I've ever driven through central Nevada.

Oh, Nevada.

You go up around this way or you go like you don't go through the center.

If you've driven through 20 minutes of Nevada, that's not Vegas.

You've driven through the entire state.

Yeah.

It's all that.

It's all you being like, boy, this sucks.

And then being like, why does someone live there?

And it's just like one family is like, well, that's right.

What are they doing?

Hello.

We've been here since 1906.

Our son lit a bomb.

The stagecoach broke down.

He went to check it.

That's how we are.

It's like if Fallout were a town.

Isn't that cool?

Hello.

I just saw a picture of people in Vegas around a pool like swimming, and then they stopped to look up because off in the distance they're setting off a nuke.

What?

Yeah.

People would go there recently?

No, it was like.

I thought maybe a baby nuke.

It was like when they were testing in the desert, but people would just hang out in Vegas and be like, oh, look at that one.

Yeah.

Look how beautiful she is.

I mean, by the way,

it's not, it seems,

I still think that would happen today.

They were just lying about, like, people are like, you sure it's okay?

They're like, absolutely.

If you're 30 feet away, you're fine.

It is okay.

It's fine.

It's fine.

We're going to start setting them off on July 4th.

Where's Area 52?

Is that Arizona?

51?

I don't know.

Area 58.

Area 52?

What the fuck?

You guys heard about Area 58?

We didn't know there were more areas.

You've got to see Area 61.

Or Area 8.

This place is crazy.

Is it 51 or 52?

No.

Area 51.

It is 51?

And then they are Reno.

I don't know what it is.

Oh, it's no, what is it called?

It's

what the fuck is it called?

It begins with an R.

We do have little computers in our pockets.

Yeah, but I don't use those.

People right now are listening.

Like,

how do you not know this?

You idiot.

I don't care.

It's

Roswell.

Yeah, Roswell.

Oh.

In what state?

Oh, no.

I still remember.

Well, there's a place called Area 51 Fireworks.

I think that's it.

Don't go there.

If you need a big boy, talk to Andy.

He'll come up with the key for the glass cabinet.

Carmen, where do you live?

What's your exact address?

I think it's probably fair now to get that out there.

Where are you, L?

No, I'm in New York.

I'm in Brooklyn.

I'm in Prospect Lifford's Garden at the moment, which

I lived in Prospect Park for like five years.

Yeah, and then he lived in the park.

Yeah, he lived in the park.

Stole frisbees, buried them.

It was real weird.

I went through a shrub stage.

Yeah, Dave was a big shrub guy back then.

He's the reason there's a fence around that park.

That's true.

Okay, Roswell's in New Mexico.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

Exactly.

I'm glad I didn't answer that part.

Okay.

Is it in Vermont?

I don't know.

Roswell, Vermont.

Yeah, if she's still improving, she'll go ahead and eat nothing as long as her beauty continues to improve.

That's going to be fine.

The rest will fall in line.

The rest will fall in line.

That's good.

It's very good.

So they experiment on the one of them, the weakest one.

Yeah, they bring in the weakest one.

She's starting to improve.

None of us will eat.

You know what?

None of you guys should be eating.

And Carson will have all the good-looking women in Nevada right here at home.

I thought that was one guy named Carson for a second.

Carson, he's just got a cult.

He's like, hell yeah.

Hey, all right.

You're all looking fucking smoking right now.

This is awesome.

Thanks, Carson.

And he's fat and ugly.

Yeah, of course.

He's just a big, bald piece of shit.

Finally, y'all are looking good.

Excuse me while I take a ham break.

I love my hand break.

The Gabil can just imagine a lot of Carson ladies telling the first faster how she looks.

And then

they did how the conversation would go.

Oh, no.

A dialogue?

Oh, Mrs.

S.

How lovely.

Such an improvement.

Oh, my.

I'm dying to get a chance to fast myself.

I'm, I'll not eat a bean for a week.

And outside the door, we hear it something like this.

My, wouldn't that kill you?

If she fasted a year, it might help, et cetera, et cetera.

It's just a play about anorexia.

Yeah.

A supportive group of anorexics.

That's great.

Well, this is mostly, isn't this mostly just men telling women that they should fast?

I would be very interested to know the gender of the author.

It has to be some guy who's like, perfect.

And they won't eat a bean.

No beans.

That'll be good.

No tamales.

I mean, so far, we're just shaming women out of calories.

Yeah.

Oh, here's good.

Here's a good one.

No more hugging.

This paper has some issues.

This guy writing this paper is really fucked up.

And now hugging is tabooed while waltzing.

While waltzing?

Do you hug when you waltz?

I mean,

the sexual energy in people was.

I mean, could you imagine how much you just wanted to

back then?

I mean, you want to now, but my God, it must have been making you crazy.

But what a hug, a 1906 hug would do.

You'd be like, Jesus Christ.

Like, you would be home like,

I'm going to be in here for a little while.

Oh, the hug.

Like, hugging.

And that was like in like junior high, you'd maybe be like,

and a hugging.

You know, you were like sending a message.

But back then, you were like, this is all I have.

She hugged me.

I got a hug.

The United Professional Masters of Dancing of America say that hugging must go.

Fucking thing.

Too many people.

Dancers are saying...

People aren't taking waltzing seriously enough.

Yeah,

it's highly important.

They're using it to grow.

Although, let's be honest.

Yeah,

honestly, it is just a way to, if you were dancing and you saw there's some fucking guy just hugging people.

Like, hey, Andy, Andy,

figure out another time to do that part.

Hello.

Yeah, it's just one of the things that you're doing.

Okay, keep,

yeah, keep your feet moving too.

This is a waltz.

All right, Andy, Andy.

I'm waltzing.

Get the tasers.

You must now waltz at arm's length.

Oh, now, see, now it's ruined.

Middle school dance all over again.

Yeah.

Holy Spirit room.

New York dispatches contain the announcement that no one is to be admitted to a class unless he promises to conform to the ruling.

Break it.

I promise I won't hug anyone.

And that's right.

Yeah,

I'm not going to hug.

You're not allowed to come back in here.

You've said that for the last three weeks.

I'm not going to hug this time.

No, we're done.

Nope.

Nope.

Do the box.

Step out of here.

Get away.

Let me show you.

No.

Well, show me what?

No, I won't be hugging.

That's a really weird thing to prove.

Come here.

No.

Can't come close to you for not a hug.

Yeah, that's how I want to show you.

I can't do it.

Hypnotizers.

Fuck it.

If that ruling were to hold good in the language of Moody, it would be nearly hell, but it won't hold.

Moody.

Who is Moody?

I don't know.

Just some guy who's like, fine, fuck it.

I don't even want to try.

Might as well try to force people to eat food without salt.

What the fuck is happening?

I thought that the waltz was a little bit distant from each other.

Yeah, I think it's like kind of hand-on, like wastey.

You know, but there's.

But there's, you know, there's going to be people that are like,

again, people just want to.

If you're in a society that you can't go near the other sex, then you're going to try to do it wherever you can.

Yeah.

So there's just, there's just

like you're touching, you know, you're touching a little.

So you're like,

we should get this closer together.

May I hug.

May I come in for a hug?

Also, there's tons of people at a marriages that don't want to be in their marriages, and so they should go to a dance class and be able to,

right?

What are you talking about?

Fucking cheating.

This is amazing.

The Minors' Ten Commandments.

M-I-N-E-R-S?

Some people.

That's a fair question.

Stop fuck us.

Stop fucking us.

Please help.

Healthcare.

Less coal.

Can we do it above ground?

It's pretty scary down here.

Thou shall not slumber late in the morning, but shall rise ere it is day and break thy fast.

For the goeth late to the mine getteth no candles, causing the transgressor to grope in darkness and the shift boss to indulge in profanity.

That is, and I'm not kidding, one of the craziest things I've ever heard.

What in the fuck?

So get up early.

If you don't, you won't get your mind candles, and then you're just going to be groping around and getting yelled at.

How did you understand that?

I heard.

Right?

I didn't either.

I don't know.

I'm really drunk right now, you guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

Gems.

No, I don't know.

I don't know.

But it does.

You understood that immediately.

I mean, the key terms of the dark groping.

I think the papers sort of conditioned me.

I've been groomed by this periodical.

Thou shalt not take up thy position in the center of the cage when descending or ascending the shaft.

Neither

shalt thou open it.

That holds with inner and outside of a mind.

This is

a sexual article.

Yeah, there's a lot of

tell tell me how to grope the chef, absolutely in time from the

gap.

Before finishing, take a break.

Make sure everyone's satisfied.

Thou shalt thou appropriate in thy person more room than the law allows, for thou are but of little consequences among the whole cage load of men, no matter what thou thinkest to the contrary.

And I'm talking about you, Stephen.

You, Stephen, you weird center standing pervert.

But they're saying,

if it's just you and another person, don't stand in the middle, which I know from elevator etiquette.

When it's like, sometimes you'll get on an elevator and someone will stay standing in the middle.

And you're like, dude, can you just,

can we fucking got a lot of room here?

Or have you ever had this where you're sitting on a plane, someone sits middle, your window, and then no one sits aisle and that person's like, I'll stay middle.

And you're like, what are you doing?

You could read him this command.

Yeah, I would be like, I have a paper to give you.

No, not the Waltig thing, but I will hug you if that's okay when I feel it's time.

I'm a big hugger.

I'll have the tamale.

Thou shalt not hesitate on the station or smoke thy pipe and talk politics with the pump man for verily the ship's boss might suddenly appear and heaven help thee if he findeth the chute's empty.

So he can't.

No, he can't smoke or talk.

He can't smoke or talk.

He can't smoke or talk politics.

One guy, for sure.

They are the worst guy.

They're just like, no one shall do this.

Yeah.

You know, I like that Ron Paul.

Anyone want to go in the shaft elevator with me?

I'm going to sit in the middle.

Huh?

Anyone?

I got a candle.

I'll blow it out to grope.

I love that some mind boss thought this is how he could get through to them.

Yeah, the mind boss is like, don't don't talk politics.

You might awake and realize we're screwing you so hard.

Thou shalt not waste with the ore.

Oh, sorry.

Thou shalt not mix waste with the ore.

Neither shalt thou mix ore with the waste, though nor thy partner, nor the mucker within thy drift.

For surely as thou dost these things, the mine will stop paying dividends and thy name will be mud over the length and breadth of the map

didn't need to translate from that um

don't shit in the bucket that's meant for the ore yeah don't put dirt and other shit rocks in the ore you know what i like about this and i'm air quoting article is that

If you really wanted to get across the rules of a mine, you could do that.

But this guy was like, I'll put it through the biblical filter and make it super annoying and complicated to understand whatever I'm saying.

Yeah, it's really, yeah.

Oh, you're gonna love this one.

Uh-oh.

Thou shalt not eat onions when going on shift.

That's a rule for all the time.

For everywhere.

Jesus Christ.

Does anyone want some more?

Does anyone want to try some onions?

Before every shift, I eat an onion like an apple.

Just blows out the candle.

Someone's touching my crotch.

Even though they can be cheap as real estate in Clifton, unless thy partner participated likewise, for that bulbous root exciteth bad feelings in the heart of the total abstainer and causeth the interior of a mine to be an unpleasant place.

I disagree with that.

I think that's very much about one guy.

I agree.

I agree.

Carmen is right.

100%.

It's some fucking mine.

You can eat an onion and go to a mine.

This is insane.

I hate to keep relating it to planes.

Bulbous ones.

But it's like when the person walks on with a Euro or something and you're like, what?

Now we all got to live in lamb onion land because of you.

Like, if there's some guy just down in the mine crushing onions all day.

That's good.

You guys want onions?

What did you guys bring for lunch?

I think I'm going to do a bunch of onions again.

Thou shalt not address the boss by his Christian name, neither shalt thou contradict him when thou knowest that he is lying.

But what?

Thou shalt meekly say yes or no to all that he suggests and laugh when he laughs and keep on laughing

when he relateth a story, even though it be older than thy grandmother.

So that's the thing.

So is this making fun of the rules?

Is this making fun of

me?

You guys have to laugh at my stories, okay?

Call me Mr.

and laugh at my stories.

I think they're making fun.

Okay, that makes more sense.

I just

1906 1906 sarcasm very difficult to pick up on

yeah

uh they thou shalt not have an option concerning thy place of work for thy employer payeth a fat salary to a school of mines expert for constructing in his mind bonanzas that don't exist

so thou shalt refrain from theorizing and concentrate that efforts on drilling and blasting an abundance of powder.

Hmm.

So now they're saying.

Don't try to fight for anything.

It's futile.

No, they're saying

they're basically talking shit about like McKenzie guys coming in and taking all the money.

Oh, the brain, the think tanks.

Yeah.

How many more commandments on this?

Let's just go to the last one.

Thou shalt work and break ore every day, the Sabbath included, for verily the board of directors aforementioned hath assumed the prerogatives of the Almighty.

And if thou refuseth to toil as they dictate, thou and thy dog, and all that thou possess possesseth possesseth having a lisp during biblical times must have been difficult now that i'm thinking about it we'll be hitting the trail for tinopa okay so yeah that was about talking shit about the mind guys okay

i believe they were uh doing a little sketch comedy there

yeah but honestly i really you cannot tell what is sass and what is fact yeah that happens a lot I think, in these old papers where you are kind of like, what?

And the person's like, I'm having some fun.

And you're like, you just wrote like a hell article.

Yeah.

And being silly.

Lincoln County girls are practical.

Uh-oh.

This is not going to be good.

No.

The Lode Express says a caliante young lady was being criticized for marrying a man well up in middle age instead of a youth.

Wait.

I'm going to need to know the woman's age at some point.

Is she old or is he old?

He's old.

Taylor's oldest time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

So wait, she's getting shit on for

wearing a gun.

As it should be.

As it should be.

She's the adult.

What is she doing?

Leave this poor old man alone.

Oh, dick.

You're going to youth him up.

It's a Belichick situation, maybe.

Yeah.

or a clinton geez

the a young woman said quote my observations have been that it is better to be hitched up with an old horse that knows how to pull the load

that'd be great if he was overhearing this honey what are you talking about what'd you say

i'd rather an old dying colt

an old horse that knows how to pull the load with a fool than with a fool colt that can't do anything but prance and kick and want to run away

Okay, is that about

well honestly

she said that

yeah

some bars right there

honestly

I can't really argue with her that I mean as a per as a person who's gotten older very true so much easier to break me now

way more breakable now just yeah okay fine we can go over there instead of like nah I'm not looking to get locked out I'll be like that sounds good my stuff's there

Pins man's hand to timber.

Excuse me?

Are you...

Pins man's hand to timber.

Are you reading or talking?

Jerry Reese, a miner at the Brunswick, was accidentally injured Saturday afternoon by a fellow workman who drove a candlestick through his left thumb.

Okay.

Accident.

I have some questions.

Yeah, how?

It's time for dinner.

Candlestick.

Maybe a candlestick is some sort of thing that just holds up the candle in the mine, you know?

Must be.

Let's have a look.

Oh, are we still in the middle of the morning?

The accident happened.

What?

Yeah.

This guy's a miner.

The accident happened underground.

Reese placed his hand against a timber at the same instant the other turned to drive his candlestick in it.

All right, so it's some sort of

mining tool.

Yeah, okay.

Maybe it's not a literal candlestick.

I'll be, I'm on the case here Pretty

thin round blade passed through.

Oh, okay.

It is, yes.

It is a very

quite stabby.

You would put it in the, like, in the wall, in the rock wall,

and

then, so it would jam in there, like, it's got a sharpened point, and then you would place your candle in that.

Yeah.

Okay, so this guy put the stabby part through his pal's hand.

That happens.

It sure does.

The thinned round blade passed through the bone.

And as a doctor from that era, you don't want it going through the bone.

Oh, we got to take off the left side.

Well, we got to kill you.

The whole body's gone.

Pinned the thumb to the Tinder.

Reese, a nervy fellow, withdrew the candlestick himself.

A who?

A nervy fellow.

Does nervy mean he's tough?

I think you said nervous.

He has anxiety.

Did he?

No, aren't they saying it the other way around?

Oh, no, you're you're right.

Yeah, he probably has grit.

Yeah, he's got grit.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

He was like,

I'm dead inside.

I'll yank it out.

He was also like, take the fucking thing out.

And the other guy's like, I don't know what

I was.

And then he just ripped it out of himself.

Yeah, die of trauma.

Come here.

Edwin Stevens of Washington says that all the cities of the earth will be destroyed by earthquakes in 1982.

Oh, we've moved on from the thumb?

Yeah, we moved on.

Yeah,

that's over.

That's past, obviously.

Yeah, we did.

That did it.

Yeah, I know.

I'm a little squeamish still.

But I do like it.

This guy just predicted that all cities will be gone from earthquakes in 1982.

Okay.

Which, again, if you're in 1906, predictions are just great if you're not going to live to see them.

There's a 6.7.3 in El Salvador that year.

There's a 7.3 in El Salvador that year.

Yemen had a really big one.

Afghanistan had a really big one.

So he sounds like he nailed it.

There were eight seven to seven nine earthquakes.

Eight.

We're lucky we're still here.

I don't know.

I can't tell.

I'm just nodding.

The only worry this causes us is aroused by the fear that the graceful contour of our grays graves may be marred.

Jesus Christ.

This is like, he's like a Joe Rogan of the time.

Yeah.

Very

small conspiracies and they're like, put it in the paper.

Jamie, what do you think?

I actually don't think any of that's going to happen, Joe.

I choose to believe.

Do you think Jamie will ever be like, fuck, shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Would be great.

Your fact checker just jumps off the balcony.

Jamie, where's Jamie?

Jesus Christ, this window's open.

Jamie!

Keeps them guessing.

Politicians are wondering just what vote the socialists will be able to poll in Nevada this year.

Remember the days when there were socialists?

Yeah.

Several thousand members of the party are believed to have come here from Colorado and elsewhere during the past two years, and their course will have an important bearing on the state politics.

Two years ago, the socialists and union labor vote practically controlled the situation in Nye and Esmeralda counties.

It's always fleeting.

Anytime unions have power or any of that, they're just the evil is.

Well, they take them out.

Like, they're really good at destroying them.

And that is what makes America great.

Again.

We've been great the whole time.

I heard a Brooklyn horn.

I did hear a Brooklyn horn, too.

Yeah.

You hear a horn in the background?

I heard a horn.

See, you're so used to it, you don't even notice.

We're not allowed to honk in Los Angeles, so we don't.

We notice.

Yeah.

Just smooth.

We're a gracious people.

Oh, last one.

Yeah.

All right.

Here it is.

Here it is, Carmen.

Big finish.

Lock in, everybody.

Last one.

Come on.

Finish strong.

Ready?

Let's show these fucking listeners who's boss.

This is amazing.

This is.

An Oklahoma girl jerked her head back suddenly to keep from being kissed and dislocated her neck.

Oh my God.

Oh, wow.

And there.

I don't even know if it was in the paper, though.

Yeah.

I mean, imagine the level of recoil to have a spinal injury like that.

Not to make the man the victim, because obviously he's pushing, but to find out that you were rejected so hard that a woman has like spinal trauma.

Like, because it is like, it's like you've seen it at the,

I mean, I've seen it in the movies.

The guy who's like, come on, try, like the Pepe Le Pew, and it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She very well could have been faking it just so he would stop.

And he didn't.

And he still was like, in the hospital.

He took flowers.

He still didn't get the clues.

How's your neck?

Oh, no.

Hello.

I think she's into me.

Yeah.

She's playing those games.

It's a classic cat and mouse.

Oh, my God.

Cat try to kiss.

Mouse fake spinal injury.

Cat goes visits her in the hospital.

Keeps trying to kiss her.

Doctors intervene.

Pull cat back.

So there's only two sentences to this article.

You guys ready for the next one?

I think.

Carmen, I think you'll especially appreciate this.

At such critical times, dear girls, it is always safer to stand up and take your medicine.

Oh my fucking God.

Jesus Christ.

What was she wearing?

What the fuck?

Jesus Christ.

Well, finally, we know the gender of the author.

Wow.

What a

horrible.

Wow.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, see, this is why you can't reject men, women.

Your back will hurt.

So just take your medicine.

Fuck.

Oh, well, Carmen, thank you for being on the show and taking your 1906 paper medicine as we all just have.

We appreciate it.

People should go watch Sweet Batch on YouTube.

I hear you're commenting back to everybody, which we think is really nice.

That's how do people find out about that?

Oh, yeah, they've all been nice comments, but I do it on Instagram and the mean ones.

I just do you really?

Yeah, I think of it as like a fun activity.

You know, I'm on the train a lot.

I'm, you know.

Yeah, exactly.

When you're bored and not doing anything, why not just respond to people?

That's how I feel.

I don't do it.

I won't do it.

The mean ones are, are you getting a lot of misogynistic ones?

Not on the not on YouTube.

So if someone wants to listen and by time, yeah, not on YouTube.

Just on Instagram.

You're inviting it.

Yeah.

Well, and remember, if someone writes a mean comment on your video and you attack them with a better line, the fellas just need to take their medicine and shut the bunch of people.

Just take your medicine.

Take your medicine is so fucked up.

Take your medicine.

Well, Carmen, thank you so much for joining us.

I do.

We appreciate it.

Yeah, you're great.

So come back whenever.

We're doing another one if you want to.

No, I'm just kidding.

But it'd be great if someone else came in now.

I was like, oh, excuse me.

Oh, sorry.

Carmen.

I've been in somebody else's episode for two seconds.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Exactly.

On the walk.

Stay tuned for the next episode with this confused.

Another walk-in of rejected walk-ins.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of The Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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