703 - William Penn Patrick

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Thank you guys.

This is awesome.

We probably should have had them announce this because the energy felt pretty bad, to be honest with you.

Everyone felt really confused.

But we stopped touching microphones.

So, yeah, we do it like

a press conference of the enormous.

So

just imagine if we were giants who are declaring our eligibility for a certain sport.

So thank you guys for coming out tonight.

And real quick, keep it going for us.

How awesome are we?

This is just

crazy.

We've been doing this show for 28 years.

We voted for Reagan we started the show when we regretted it and

and we're so back

hello yeah

we love being back in Sacramento don't even

we were driving over and I was telling Garrett that some parts look like 1996 Russia and I think that

I think that's pretty cool.

Just a guy walking across the street.

Don't worry about traffic.

Go ahead and have a saunter.

No, you had that Indiana Jones last crusade: the penitent man shall passwalk.

Jesus Christ, sir, there's like a whole city around you.

And he's like, I got this.

And everyone's like, we don't want to kill a man today.

So we'll.

I guess.

Well, that's how you learn.

You do it once, and you're like, they all stop.

Totally be careful.

Yeah, that's true.

And the liquor's right over there, so you gotta

have liquor.

Crack, math.

Sure.

Yeah, no one's doing liquor anymore.

It's all.

You're listening to the dollar.

Oh, yeah.

So American History Podcast,

I, Dave Anthony.

Read a story from American History.

Luke went to the sharper image.

It got us.

Got us a couple room deodorizers.

So

you guys,

it's like a shit show at a map.

This is great.

Right in the middle of the intro is perfect, too.

Right.

So, so classic Luke.

And then he just dropped it.

Did you see it?

He dropped it and the bottom came off like he's like, I'm Luke, Smash.

How's it going?

Good.

Do you want to say anything?

Hi, Sacramento.

Sexy little voice he has.

Cute little bitch.

Jesus Christ.

All right, action.

Miss Jenny Morgan.

March 31st, 1930.

William Penn Patrick was born on a dirt farm in Lees Mill Township, which is a tiny town,

in Eastern, North Carolina.

Not much is known about William's childhood, but when he was 15, he dropped out of high school, borrowed five bucks, and left his impoverished home.

Okay.

What year are we in?

We are in 1930.

Okay.

So.

So nice.

Yeah.

These are good.

Five bucks is like, whoa.

Holy shit.

I'm going to buy a house.

The roaring 20s are back.

So in his own words, quote, all I had was the clothes I could get into a cardboard box.

Didn't everyone say that in the 30s?

Isn't that how they all say it?

Like everyone was like, all I had was a handful of clothes, one mitten, and five dollars.

And now I'm rich.

And now, now look at all these potatoes

His father disagreed telling Newsweek quote he was no poor boy.

His father told Newsweek he was no poor boy.

He left home because he wanted to.

So Patrick says that during his adolescence he was,

quote, a very scared young man.

I'm still scared about some things, but the only way to remove fear is to attack.

Shit.

So

it started off, I was like, that's every teenager's experience.

I was like, well, that's not how I felt.

I was like, I'll do theater.

You need to kill people.

Attack.

So we're going with Patrick.

That's his name.

Yeah, Patrick.

So he joins U.S.

Air Force.

He served in the Korean War and rose in the ranks to become a staff sergeant.

All right.

Which is

like a manager.

That's what, whenever I worked in restaurants, that's what I would call the manager.

You're the staff sergeant.

Stop calling me that.

I will disobey your order.

So this is probably where he developed his lifelong obsession.

Here we go.

Here it is.

Yep.

Go ahead.

With planes.

Here we go.

Not, all right.

Especially

with fighter planes.

Okay, okay.

But Patrick did not fly a single mission in the war because he was in the veterinary service.

That, when he got out, that must have been so confusing for him to be like, I'm a veteran veterinarian.

What did you do?

I worked with cats and hamsters.

Yeah, I served in Korea.

I was a vet veterinarian veteran veterinarian.

Call me a vet veterinar.

Yep, so

I was what we call a veterinarian.

It's tough.

A lot of...

That means you petted the...

No, like, I worked with house pets, but I have since been discharged.

For.

What was I discharged for?

Yeah.

Being slow at thinking of stuff.

Yeah.

Animals were used in the Korean War by the Air Force.

By the Air Force, mostly dogs to guard bases.

And they did try a...

Mostly dogs.

What else were they used?

It was snakes.

Foxes.

This turtle!

And they did try it.

Look at all these shells!

That could get confusing

over time.

Think about it.

They did try a pigeon-guided missile once.

Dude, I read, I told you about that on an episode.

That is the craziest shit in the world what they were doing.

Do you have their, what they did?

No, I

put pigeons in missiles.

Yeah.

And the pigeons were like trained to keep pecking towards the X.

Yeah.

And so like the pigeons would be like, all right, all right, doing good.

It was like, you fucking no, it's over.

How many times would a

pigeon fly a mission?

A mission?

I don't think they did it too many times, because I think

they were like, they're not focused enough at the end.

So by pecking it, are they

what's the is it pigeon powered by pecking?

No, well no, it's just dropping.

So the pigeons are just in it, but they're like moving it closer to the X that it wants to go to.

So they drop it and then the pigeon is like...

Someone online is going to be like, Garrett's floating more.

But they were like moving it towards the target it was going for by trying to like peck at the X and it was like controlling it a little bit.

That's cool.

You're allowed to react.

You don't have to apologize.

That's okay.

People are cool.

You found it interesting, which I liked.

I like the things that humans come up with.

And I feel like B.F.

Skinner came up with it.

And maybe I'm also crazy.

But Patrick didn't have anything to do with the animals.

His job was to make sure the food was clean.

Jesus Christ, what a fuck.

This is the job you want in the war.

Yeah.

yeah, cleaning the job.

Their kibbles ready.

Yeah.

Did you wash it?

I sure

shined it up good.

I shined it up nice.

You should see how shiny that wet food is.

Once his time in the Air Force was up, he moved to Sacramento to go to college.

You're definitely going to be happy with that.

Which he did not love.

Home of the A's.

Quote, we're not, quote, we're educated not to believe in ourselves and most people are afraid of life.

Fortunately, the education didn't take.

Swear to God, every time I'm done with this guy, he pulls me back in.

The education did not take.

I'm allergic.

So

when he was 20 years old, he created, he came up with a master career plan.

Here we put it.

Which you do at 20.

That's how you do it.

For sure.

First step, become a multi-millionaire.

Boom.

Step two, enjoy the fuck out of that.

Step three, see step one.

Fuck off!

Second step, become the governor of California.

Boom!

Suck it.

Third step, the White House.

Boom!

From there, he began a string of failed business operations.

Boom!

Step one and a half!

Step point five!

Fail a bunch!

Step four, run this subway into the ground!

Step five, get asked to leave this subway restaurant.

Step six, I stole some baked ladies.

Step seven, I'm banging the empty bag of lace.

I got lazed

step eight, Sheriff.

Step nine, made a fecal poster in my cell.

A fecal poster?

Step ten, looking for step nine.

Do you know what businesses are?

Step 11!

Figure out what businesses are!

Step

stepdad won't bail me out!

So

he sold pots and pans to people on a military base.

What's just...

Next president!

Do you guys need any pots and pans?

No.

What about you guys?

Any pots and pans?

Buddy, get out of here for the last time.

You guys just came back from the war.

Would you like a pan?

Are you guys looking to baby bake some pastas?

Or a soup?

I can clean your rabbit's food.

Step 15.

Oh, no.

Is he old now?

Oh, yeah.

After the pots and pans, he ran a gas station.

That's more straightforward.

I mean, that's way like

cooling on a military base to sell pots and pans.

Then he he went door-to-door selling jewelry.

See, now we're back.

Then he ran a wig shop.

I gotta say,

as funny as the, it really says a lot about the job market back then because now it's like, do you want to do DoorDash?

Back then he was like, ah, sell pots of pans.

I ran a gas station.

Now I'm a wigsman.

He failed at everything.

He tried.

He had a dozen or more ventures.

He just kept failing.

So Patrick now thinks that he is a loser.

Well,

I feel bad for him, but also, you know.

Until one day, at the age of 33, when he walked by a garage sale in San Rafael, California.

Oh, shit, that's where I'm from.

Right near where I'm from.

A garage sale changing your life is nice.

You ever been to a San Rafael garage sale?

It's no fucking joke.

All right.

Ask you to calm the fuck down.

It's no fucking joke.

You guys have your little ET.

Have your little Wisconsin garage sales.

Would you like a casserole pan?

What the fuck?

First of all, that's an estate sale.

Nobody's selling that when they're alive.

People in Wisconsin are laughing so hard at you.

Selling a casserole pan.

Believe me if you sold it, it would be called a casserole because that's what's rolling in.

Thank you.

So some women were selling an industrial amount of fruit-scented cosmetics.

What?

Where are we headed?

Oh my god!

That's like I fell into gold!

I thought this guy was gonna like fly a plane into something.

A fruit-scented cosmetic?

Fucking ain't right.

Okay.

How would you like a banana mascara?

Step 42.

Strawberry lip gloss.

So they had a company, Zolene, and it was going out of business, so they were liquidating everything.

However, despite all of his business failures, Patrick was able to pony up $16,000.

What the fuck?

Today's money is about $166,000.

This garage sale is like, Jesus Christ.

Act calm, Joyce.

Act calm.

He bought.

Yes, that's a fair offer.

Absolutely.

Good negotiating.

Step 51.

Fucking idiots.

So he buys all the makeup and he starts a new company, Holiday Magic.

Holiday Magic had nothing to do with Christmas.

Its inventory consisted of fruit-laden products like Strawberry Frappé Cleanser.

Strawberry Frappé Cleanser?

That is so confusing.

It'd be like putting on my fruit.

Like, this is strange.

Moon magic face powder.

Fruit tang skin toner.

Why does each one of these keep sounding like something below the belt?

Wait, the moon powder's for your face.

I put on some tang magic.

It burns.

Of course, lemon, delight, eye, and throat oil.

Throat oil.

Yeah, girl.

That sounds like a little piece of paper that would be like an ad out of Playboy.

Throat oil?

That's interesting.

Hey, what do you do with throat oil?

Oh, you just got to throw it down your

throat.

It really keeps your throat nice and moist.

Well, it's pretty moist in there already, because it's a little bit more.

Uh-huh, buddy, you think that.

I remember I used to be like you, and I was like, yeah, my throat's fine.

No.

It was like sand in there.

Then I started using Holiday Magic lemon-scented throat oil.

And I swear to God, I'm swallowing cucumbers without chewing.

I went down to the construction site.

They're putting an extension on my house for free.

Yeah.

What does that have to do with the truck?

Well, it's just it slips down there.

And those guys are kind of pervy.

So sometimes I just go down there and I'll just swallow hot dogs or cucumbers without a bite.

Just so those the things glide down like they're a bullet train

and they come out the same way too.

Holiday magic.

Okey-dokey.

Instead of a more traditional business model, Patrick went with something different.

At the top of his organization were the holiday girls who would would go door to door or throw makeup parties for bored housewives.

Oh wow.

What a nightmare.

It's upsetting.

Ready for a party?

Come on, everyone, let's use some throat oil.

Who's that man in your bushes?

Step 61.

A holiday girl could spend $4,500 or around $35,000 today to become a master distributor.

So it's a pyramid scheme.

So he started a holiday magic pyramid scheme.

It's just $35,000,

and then I just have to get 10 people to do the same thing under me.

Doop-de-doop-de-doop.

That's the magic.

And then they all had their own team of holiday girls.

Above them were general distributors who had a team of master distributors.

Hold on, what's that?

That

And to get there it would cost you today's equivalent of around $70,000.

One level up

there is a small group of the best salesmen who are now executives who had salaries of $100,000, which is around a million in 2025 money.

Right.

And sitting at the very tippy top was Patrick.

Right.

So there's one guy at the top,

and then a few, and then a dozen, and then a bunch, and then a shitload, and then the rest.

Yeah.

Structurally, that thing's not going anywhere.

That's a foundation I can live with.

There's an ad in the Miami News.

Quote.

How would you like to make $108,000 this year in your spare time?

Nonsense?

No.

magic holiday magic to be exact okay yeah i'd be like uh no what

do you want to make 108 000 part-time sure

chug this lemon throat oil

where you lost me

You want to go out on my boat?

What?

No.

What do you mean

keep fucking up this part yeah

oh sorry you can make money I got confused I don't I'm not going out on your boat

are you nodding like I don't know no no I'm certainly out that was crazy

but I'm still here

because this era's the worst

Thanks to this unique business model, and it is unique at the time.

Is it?

That's the fuck.

You gotta love that.

The first people that came up with the pyramids came up.

That's awesome.

These people are idiots.

So Patrick didn't need to give a shit about how much makeup he sold.

The real money was coming from the people who wanted to sell it.

Oh fucking genius.

And with the promise of making a hundred thousand a year they were lining up to pay for the privilege.

And he wrote to his employees about their arrangement in a company magazine with a piece called Sovereignty.

Sovereignty.

Quote: measure your independence against the salaried employee of any company.

Compare your growth, your income, and your opportunities with their security.

Would you like to be limited to a salaried security and menial mediocrity?

I doubt it.

Would you like to be limited to a salaried security?

It's so funny.

Yeah, would you like security?

Yeah, yeah, to know what I'm going to make?

Absolutely.

That's really good.

Would you like security?

No.

No, no.

I want unpredictability.

Live out on the edge where you'd fall apart and insecurity of roulette.

You could be really rich, but have the floor ripped out from under you at any moment.

Wow.

Okay.

Wait, you're the guy about the boat earlier.

Now!

Did you consider the throat?

Yeah, I thought about it.

Yeah, my husband said that's fucking crazy.

Not that I only listen to him.

I'm also very independently minded.

I have so many cucumbers to get rid of.

This triangle-shaped business model was unbelievably successful.

So he started countless other companies with the exact same business model.

Fucking awesome.

Awesome.

Selling clothing, vitamins, door-to-door fuel additives.

Like

it's called diesel sprinkles.

This is,

you know how Jimmies make ice cream better?

That's what diesel sprinkles do.

You're going to love that.

It's Jimmy's for the car.

You know what your boat needs is some lemon oil.

There we go.

How many times have you wished your exhaust was a rainbow?

Well, with the new Sherburnt fuel, you can get just that.

So Patrick instantly becomes a multi-millionaire off of the company's, especially Holiday Magic.

And he disavowed writing checks, only spending cash from the wad in his pocket, which was always around, quote, oh, $10,000 or $15,000.

Not as they put a pyramid on money.

Because the whole thing's fucking bullshit, dude.

Oh, my God.

But hold on.

You bought into a fucking...

We're the fucking bottom of the pyramid scheme, dude.

And the president's not even the top.

He's at the executive level.

We don't even know the motherfucker who's at the fucking top selling us the fucking holiday magic bullshit.

So just think about that.

Like, we'll get back to the story and enjoy the fuck out of tonight.

But when you leave, I want you to think about that a little bit too.

Why did they put a pyramid on this shit?

Because we're scum sucking pieces of shit who just bought into it.

We're sucking the cute.

Go ahead.

Feels like I'm starting to lose something.

Go ahead, buddy.

At the end of the show, we're going to announce our new dog coin, by the way.

We have to do that.

Oh, it would be so funny.

It would be the crazy.

It would be so funny.

Would anyone alienate their fan base faster?

They'll be like, hear us out.

The dog coin would just...

Most coins, when they send them out, they do this, but ours would just go, what the fuck?

Yeah.

What is this shit?

I'd be like, shit.

Having accomplished step one of his career plan, he turned his sights towards step two, running for governor of California.

Wow, he's going for it.

Awesome.

In 1966, against Ronald Reagan from the right.

Oh, shit.

Well, slow down.

Dare I say that's a little whackadoodle.

And he got under 2% of the vote.

That's awesome.

It's a heavy number huh it's just a big number yeah that's great yeah

he blamed his electoral disaster on one man

mervyn d

field

son of a bitch

cannot wait to find out why this fucking little

guy mervin

wait what do you mean he's blaming you why

Mervyn ran the California poll,

and Mervyn had Patrick polling at around 1%.

And Patrick thought the slanted poll was convincing people not to vote for him.

Think about it.

It's very Trumpy.

That's like that Iowa poll that he like sued over.

It's very like...

People saw that I was doing shitty, so I did shitty.

Besides himself, Patrick started telling people that Mervyn had been paid off to bury him with terrible numbers.

Love that this guy's he's foolish.

He's taking money to lie to people.

Anyway, here's my lemon-scented throat coat.

Go door to door.

Mervyn sued Patrick for slander and easily won.

Patrick said that made no difference to him, that he couldn't find any evidence.

He still believed Mervyn had sold a slanted pole.

So Mervyn's lawyer then read aloud a passage from one of Patrick's sales pamphlets: quote, Anyone who will not listen to the truth and accept it is dishonest.

Not me, I wrote that shit.

Fucking idiots.

The jury ordered Patrick to pay $300,000 to Mervyn, which is $3 million today.

Which is nothing to him, really.

No, he's got so much money.

Good for Mervyn, though.

I hope this was pre-3 million because

He looks like a goodwill mannequin

That's that's actually about the same amount that Patrick spent on his campaign of his own money Where he lost to Reagan by one and a half million votes

It's a lot

Patrick May lost the election, but he wasn't done influencing politics as a rich ultra-right guy.

Yeah, see that's the thing you don't need to run You just pay him.

Yeah.

Imagine some fucking rich prick.

Isn't it crazy?

Very quickly.

How fucking crazy do you have to be?

It's a good time to go to the back.

Shut up.

How fucking crazy do you have to have been?

You know what?

Get back to the story.

Fuck them.

Yeah, you assholes.

You're missing important information.

Not just the weird thoughts of a tired boy.

Hurry up.

You want to do your little thing when you're in the middle?

Let's do a squarespace now.

He famously declared at the meeting of United Republicans in California that Supreme Court Justice Earl Warren shouldn't be impeached, he should be hanged.

That same week, he sued the AAFL CIO for $51 million in damages because they called for a boycott against his company for his right-wing views.

Holy shit.

He also started palling around with Robert DePugh of the Minutemen, the Cold War's first large-scale right-wing paramilitary group.

That's fun.

That's fun.

You got to get a paramilitary group.

What a valuable piece of information to the story.

I bet that'll come back.

Sure glad I was here for it.

I don't know if I've ever seen a lady with a more of a who gives a shit looking like that.

She doesn't care.

I will be honest, it was startling.

I feel like I walked out on her show.

So the Minutemon, Minuteman's.

The Minutemon.

It's the first reggae paramilitary group.

It's the first reggae right-wing paramilitary group in America.

I'm Ronald Reggae.

Well, pass to the left.

Or should I say the right.

We're going to fuck up the unions, Mark.

Careful.

Their stated purpose was to use guerrilla warfare to repel the communist invasion that they believe was happening everywhere from the White House to your house

I just can't

so but it's like what is it like every three years we do I mean they just right-wing people just sit around going

as everything collapses they're like you can't let communism come here things might get bad

careful easy does it

a popular sticket stick it, a popular sticker of theirs read, quote, see that old man at the corner where you...

Nope.

See that old man at the corner where you buy your papers?

He may have a silencer-equipped pistol under his coat.

That literally is what they ended up doing.

They just keep,

they're like the cheating dude who's like, you're cheating on me.

Like, you're doing the fucking thing.

That's one of those stickers, too.

You'd be driving and you'd be like, I got to pull up to read it and be like, why did I do it?

Fuck this guy.

See, that guy on the right, he's got a silencer pistol under his jacket.

That old guy.

Oh, that was not done.

That fountain pen in the pocket of the insurance salesman that calls on you might be a cyanide gas gun.

What about your milkman?

Traitors, beware!

Even now the crosshairs are on the backs of your necks!

What what was it?

What was it?

Who was this for?

This is still the makeup.

Oh, patriotic Americans.

Is this still the guy who's selling like lip gloss and shit?

Well, this is the group that he's now.

Yeah, right.

Okay, so.

So, yeah, so just

watching stuff.

Also, are you interested in buying some lash lifter?

Sorry about all that stuff about the fountain pen having cyanide inside of it.

depew introduced Patrick to George Wallace

for the show tonight

an insanely racist, segregationist Alabama governor to be his running mate in 1968 under the Patriot Party ticket.

Oh, fuck.

But

sadly, it fell apart after Patrick didn't make good on his promise to fund the opening of a Patriot Party headquarters in every major American city.

Patrick was a prominent member of the John Birch Society,

whose apocalyptic conspiracy theories and unhinged activism

radicalized the American right, and is one of the primary reasons the Republican Party is what it is today.

Awesome.

Awesome.

It turned out great.

It's really good.

They're all dead.

You know how?

Why?

Commies.

Commies.

Commies.

A new communist.

Chelsea Handler was killed by it.

Is that Chelsea Handler?

It's hard to tell.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah?

Is that Chelsea Handler?

I don't want to guess anymore.

You know what?

All white women look the same to me.

I think you're based.

I think you fucking snuck in there and became cool, man.

You betcha.

You betcha.

Stop looking at me.

Yeah.

One of the birches he bankrolled was Dan Smoot, the former FBI agent, right-wing propagandist, who once published the newsletter Fact Forum with H.L.

Hunt.

Oh, fuck.

Smoot!

Jesus Christ.

This is quite a who's who.

So throughout it all, Patrick was always writing everything from pamphlets to poems.

Poems.

Yeah.

Blueberry mascara.

Oh, that'd be great.

This poem is called Blueberry Mascara.

He started veering into the world of self-help, although from an individualist and Randian sort of way,

from his poem Resistance, quote, the mediocre person, the average person is, ruled by circumstances.

This is a guy who went to a garage sale and bought makeup.

He paid $116,000 of today's money for lip shit.

And he's like,

you're surrounded by like weaklings.

You've got to attack.

It reminds me of that time I signed for a rubbish sale and bought a bunch of rouge.

You've got to attack.

This is the guy who's selling pots and pans

at a military base.

After they they cook for us well it might be nice to

fuck

I bought a lot of cookware

anyone need me to train a dog to

I don't know

the mediocre person the average person is ruled by circumstances if you are a person of circumstance the cure for their disease is courage

Does that mean anything?

Yeah, bongos would help that a lot.

It's courage.

Selfishness is a normal and necessary human quality that everyone has and uses.

That's the same.

Go ahead.

If we as individuals were not selfish, we would never have anything.

That is the same must.

Come on, man, it's poetry night.

It would be hysterical to go to a poetry night and read this shit.

Just people like, I don't know, man.

Listen, cats, I got some stuff that's been really scratching at me lately.

And I gotta get it out.

This next poem is called You're Weak and Poor.

I call this shiny food.

Selfishness

is a normal and necessary human quality.

That was the pause?

Yeah.

But it's the same shit with the musk, like empathy is a weakness, this whole idea of like, you've got to attack to get everything in the world and fuck anyone who stands in your way.

It's about killing everyone near you so you have the most shit that you don't need.

And nobody likes you.

Cats.

This

foray into self-help coincided with the late 60s, early 70s California self-empowerment movement, which combined pseudoscience affirmations and sometimes tough love.

One contemporary in this

time was L.

Ron Hubbard.

Oh, good.

His program was called Scientology.

And that went away.

I was doing a show here one night and the

feature got off stage and he did a joke about Scientology and got off stage and walked back right there and he was standing there.

And the guy walks up to him and he goes, I heard your Scientology stuff.

Yeah.

What was your name?

Yeah.

And he tells it, he takes out a notebook and writes it down.

Only a fucking feature comic would be like, I'll tell you my real name.

It's just nice to be singled out at some of these events.

How was the show?

Someone asked me my name.

Bring him into Scientology.

This next guy is such a suppressive person.

You guys are going to.

You should see this guy on the e-meter.

He's got full of so many petons.

So, uh.

Luke, can you eat a little quieter?

Can you house your chips at a slower rate?

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Well, and they also, there's other stuff besides just the oral pills.

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Nope.

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Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be home!

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Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

So, Patrick,

he said off on my name, Mind Dynamics.

Quote, a program that purported to increase people's IQ, improve their reading speed, relieve pain, speed the healing of injuries,

and increase extra sensory perception take bigger shits shoot bigger loads everyone's gonna like you more

with my new everything will be better pill

trust me give me your fucking money

you're gonna be rich and your knee's gonna stop hurting

everything will be good your shitty neighbor will die your good neighbor will be more cool you're both gonna get that other neighbor's house yeah

Your grass will be taller.

You can smoke it if you want.

If not, it becomes the police and busts the people who looked at it.

Yeah!

So, they would do this by teaching clients to turn on their alpha brain waves.

You gotta turn on your alpha brain.

The Joe Rogan experience will be reda, reda!

What would you do if Joe Rogan asked to have you on?

I don't think I want to give you my answer.

I'll fly myself to Austin, Mr.

Rogan.

Did you see that he had Bono on?

It was.

And then Bono said something and then he immediately went on Twitter and called him an idiot.

I mean, he's right.

By the way, yeah, that's what I was going to say.

It's like, that's the perfect zone because you're like, well, I'm not going to stand up for Bono.

Because Bono's charities, he's like, I raised too much money to healthcare AIDS.

And it's like, like, didn't you take most of it?

And he's like, uh,

check your iPhone.

I put an album in it.

You fucking asshole.

I'll never forgive them for that.

Everyone was like, that's it, go fuck yourselves.

The Edge hasn't spoken since.

So

people

loved mind dynamics.

A senior vice president of Pepsi swore by it, telling the New York Times that he is, quote, now able to give 40-minute speeches without using notes and that his powers of recall, of vital information, have vastly improved.

And you, employees are like, oh, fuck.

Thanks to Mind Dynamics, your lunch is the worst.

Oh, fuck.

With its success, Patrick set out on a new venture by taking Mind dynamics and bringing in the world of business.

And the new project was called Leadership Dynamics.

Oh, fuck, it's so great.

Now, obviously, this became mandatory for anyone at Holiday Magic who wanted promotion to attend.

I can't believe that business still exists.

Okay.

So everyone had to attend for one three-day course in today's money, $10,000.

I mean, they.

Do you want to get to the top of blueberry?

What are you talking about?

Lip balm.

Blueberry mountains?

Lip balm?

Okay, blueberry lip balm.

That's different.

Blueberry lotion.

Are you talking about a mountain made of blueberries?

Blueberry dandruff.

What's going on?

Shampoo.

Blueberry dandruff shampoo.

It gives you dandruff.

Blueberry eye drops.

Blueberry eye drops?

Yeah.

I don't think you're.

Have you looked at the product line lately?

That's Christ.

I bought a lot of blueberries.

I don't know what to do with them.

Blueberry lung fluid.

Leadership dynamics was first and foremost about radical honesty, bearing your deepest fears in front of a room of mostly strangers when confronting that fear with courage and attacking it, like we do here.

You first.

Well,

come on, you weak bitch!

Okay!

Blueberry Mountain is a strange country,

but they took it a little too far.

Of course.

Now,

percentage-wise,

what are we talking about men to women?

Oh, I'm sure it's

95%.

Yeah, it's gotta be at this point.

Like the 5% of women were like, okay.

This is insane.

Is that door locked too?

Now you eat my blood.

For example, a London hotel banned them, claiming they set the dance floor on fire.

Well, disco had just started, Dave, so.

How else are you going to learn to lead?

Imagine.

How did their business meeting go?

The room burned.

When attendees were asked to bear everything, they were asked to do it literally by getting fully nude.

Once nude, some say they were then made to beat the shit out of each other.

Yeah, beautiful.

Beautiful.

How great is a naked fight club?

Like when you're like, I think we're losing the threat of what the purpose of this organization is.

Well, do you mind if at least I be naked?

You can wear whatever you want, but I'll be nude.

At some point, they just start punching more because they're getting hard.

Yeah.

This isn't happening.

Now put some watermelon serum on it.

One student, quote, I was black and blue from head to toe.

My cheekbone was sticking out over an eighth of an inch.

Dizzy.

Not that much.

Dizzy spells, continuous pain in the chest and ribs and stomach.

My wrists were infected and I had continuous

nightmares.

No,

no,

that's not an injury.

Your wrist is broken.

What's it infected with, Doctor?

Look at it, it's infected.

My wrists are infected.

Oh, no.

And I had continuous nightmares.

Oh, well, that'll do it.

According to the book, The Pit, a group encountered defiled.

Participants were locked in cages.

Wait, I cannot...

I'm so fucking tired of saying this.

How else can you become a leader except to be put in a cage and have another man pee on you?

They're not peeing on each other.

Whipped and peed on.

No!

And made to eat their own vomit.

Do you want to be CEO or not?

Oh my god, like

just imagine

when this land was colonized

just taking the Native Americans to this and being like, so basically, this is the plan.

Seems like you guys are doing pretty good with crops and stuff, but watch this guy eat that guy's puke.

It's mixed with some of his piss, but he can't reach all of it because some of it's out of his cage.

This costs $10,000.

They're eating puke.

There's nowhere left to go in this story, sir.

This is, to me, as funny as it gets.

When guys are in cages,

all right, now eat your puke.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, all right, good, good, good.

That's some self-made gruel there, boy.

Oh,

shut the fuck up.

This is insane.

I'm not writing it.

This happened.

I'm literally saying what they did.

But how great to piss on a guy in a cage, if I'm being honest.

You like that, you little weirdo?

There you go.

There's a little lemon-scented throat coat for you.

Some were told they thought they were dead to the possibilities of life, so to confront that, they were shoved into a coffin.

Can you imagine the luggage parts when they're bringing them in?

What is this again?

It's a business seminar.

We teach sort of CEO techniques.

And those coffins, well, just ten for the guys who think they're no longer breathing.

That's after they eat their puke and they've been pissed on.

In their cage.

Can we light a fire in that room?

I Anywhere think in conference room B and C, are we allowed to light a fire in that room?

No, it's a no-fire room.

Okay, that's fine.

We'll just light some of the conference.

You actually can't pee in there?

Well, we have tarps.

We're not going to pee in the room.

The guys will drink most of the pee.

It's called bird bathing.

Once again, I don't know why they're having that reaction.

I'm merely

taking a very simple reality and moving it two degrees to the right.

I really think I've done very little.

You can go ahead and just keep that deposit.

You're not going to be getting that back.

When Patrick was finally sued over leadership dynamics, he told his questioner that the coffins were, quote, very nice.

You would like it.

I'm not getting inside of one of your coffins, Patrick.

When asked if anyone with claustrophobia had been placed in a coffin, his response was, quote, well, let me say this.

If they did, they got over it.

Nope.

No, they didn't.

Some of his employees were tied to a cross.

It's called, it's called.

Of course, a woman doesn't understand.

What is this?

This is Paul being a business person.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

How many times do I have to say it?

Do you want to run shit like Jesus did?

Now wait, now wait, now wait.

Look at America.

It's working.

Let the white man cook.

We got this.

We got it.

Patrick made sure to tell the court that no one was nailed to the cross.

By the way,

they were just tied there for hours and hours.

I'm going to do my impression of

his lawyer when he said that.

In one session, a man was forced to perform a blowjob on a dildo while women who were attending a separate class were brought in to watch.

What was their class?

A lot of you, a lot of you would do that.

Surviving Hilton.

Is that Frank?

Don't tell my wife.

I'm here.

What are you doing?

I can't believe this is to be.

Where are your clothes?

Why are you in a cage?

I just can't believe this is to become the manager of McDonald's.

What's all over your chin?

That's vomiting, piss.

Who's vomiting?

Who's piss?

Oh my God.

Honey, I'm a winner.

You take that tilde out of your mouth.

We are leaving out one.

Oh, fine.

Finish sucking it, and then we're leaving.

Don't bring the cross, you idiot.

Untie him.

Is he nailed?

No.

That would be ludicrous.

We're not crazy.

We're not crazy here.

When asked about the below job, Patrick said, quote, well, to put it bluntly, there are a lot of men that come to class that have forgotten how to use theirs.

What?

You limp tick motherfucker.

Suck that tildo.

Is this guy sucking his own dick?

I don't know, but that doesn't make sense at all.

A lot of guys don't remember how to suck their own dick because it's really hard.

But they've all tried.

No matter what they say,

they've all tried.

No matter what they say,

they've all

tried.

And here's what's crazy:

a few of them have gotten it.

And those are reactions we'd love to see.

This reminds me of

this Read-It post where a guy said he fucked up because he went over to partake at a threesome.

And then during the discussion beforehand, he said he could blow himself.

So he did, and they were like, okay, leave.

Who the fuck goes anywhere when you can suck your own dick?

Are you kidding me?

People are like, you see Gareth?

Yeah, he don't come out anymore.

Ever since he mastered that yoga class, we haven't seen him.

Nah, I think I'm going to smoke weed and suck my dick again.

Sorry.

Nobody can beat what I'm doing here.

So the lawsuits start piling up.

And they became too much of a headache and the Leadership Dynamics Institute closed its doors.

And that's why we have no fucking leaders in America, because you're all too woke!

Boom.

But the legal problems didn't end there.

People began asking more questions and seeking more information about holiday magic.

I can't believe it.

I know, it's still, it's still...

It sounds, by the way, for people who are eating puke and sucking dildos in a business center in a hotel,

Holiday Magic is a pretty good name.

It sounds like where they stayed.

It used to be a holiday inn.

Then Patrick came to town.

A Canadian college student felt duped and immediately asked for his money back.

He went to Canadian.

Go back up there then if you don't like what we're doing.

Down here is for the showman.

Go back there if you want to move this stuff around.

He went back.

He went to the Better Business Bureau who wrote a letter to Holiday Magic on his behalf.

A few days later, the student went into the offices to see about his refund, but a man held up the letter.

Quote,

he held it in front of me and then tore it in half and threw it away.

He said that showed what the company thought of the Better Business Bureau and the government.

By the way,

back then, probably not great, but now.

Yep, working.

The person at the Better Business Bureau who was typing was like, sorry, can I will you go back a little bit more?

A little lost.

When an undercover reporter attended a sales pitch meeting to recruit new members, he asked if it was a pyramid scheme, and

the head salesman laughed.

Quote, have you ever heard of Jesus Christ?

Yeah, hear him out.

Sure as I

He was a pyramid scheme.

He had 12 master distributors, and Christianity has not become the number one religion yet.

Christ's pyramid scheme has never reached a point of saturation like ours has.

What, literally?

Go find your point.

What are you even...

So the apostle, like,

and the whole thing's myrrh, man!

It's this is not normal.

No, no, it's indefensible.

So he's like, the more I talk, the

longer I'm getting away with it.

In 1973, a judge found the company guilty of running an unfair and deceptive marketing scheme and ordered them to refund investors, aka all the people who had thought they were signing up for a job.

On top of that, that's just for the

the holiday magic one so all the people who went to their business training seminars are like are we gonna

do that was like ten thousand dollars to be getting that back or

on top of that the securities and exchange commission said they defrauded their workers of about 1.6 billion in today's money and that holiday magic's promise of making a hundred thousand a year was fraudulent In fact, they said that in order for all the investors to bring in six figures a year, every single person in America would need to be recruited.

Well, that's the plan before a bunch of fucking nerds got in the way.

Patrick's obsession with fighter planes and his unlimited amount of cash led him to start a company called Spectrum Air, which rented out vintage aircraft and repaired private planes.

How is he...

How is he still out there?

What do you mean?

He's got money.

It's time to fucking get him.

I mean, but is nobody like, dude, look, you paid Two Steep Buke at a holiday inn.

Like, that's criminal.

But he made money from that.

I

see your point.

Shortly after a spectrum, so

this is, did everybody get that?

So

they rent out vintage aircraft and repair private planes.

Right.

So shortly after a spectrum repair job, one plane immediately fell out of the sky, killing the pilot.

They're not supposed to do that, by the way.

On the contrary, my friend.

That's a big part of the business model.

Patrick was ordered to pay the widow about $6.5 million in today's cash.

Imagine.

And in 1972 an employee got in a Korean war-era F-86 fighter plane from Spectrum and promptly crashed into an ice cream parlor, killing 22 people, mostly kids.

I like how the ice cream part really affected people more.

People have been dying.

Oh my god, while they were eating ice cream?

No, no, no, no, no.

Did any of the...

The plane wasn't supposed to be flown in the first place.

Oh, good.

It was supposed to be used as part of a memorial in front of a town hall in Canada.

Why the fuck was the guy in it?

It was like one of those planes they put in front of airports.

He was like, all right, clear for takeoff.

141, you are actually just a model attached to the ground.

All right, we're turning on a bunch of the stuff here.

Here, Kevin, ready to go?

Runway four clear.

We're about to head out of here.

Once again, you are not a real player.

You should not be taking off.

You are basically a goddamn statue.

Did not go out.

I'm surprised the gear's even working in there.

This is 149, Mayday, Mayday.

Absolutely, Mayday.

All right, we're getting ready to go here.

Ladies and gentlemen, buckle your seatbelts.

I know you're a bunch of dolls that I brought from my ex-wife's house.

I'm having what they'd call a clinical clinical meltdown right now.

I drank a bunch of bleach and get ready.

We're all now in mad illusion.

Here we go, clearing and we're up in the beautiful skies.

Today's movie will be Mission Impossible 3.

Mission Impossible 3 brought to you by a man who believes that aliens live inside of his belly.

Have we all ever stopped to consider that Tom Cruise is just trying to kill himself and none of us are stepping in?

So now both the Canadian and US governments had no idea how it was taken from storage in Canada and ended up in Patrick's hands.

So he's like paying people to steal planes.

We don't even know.

That don't work.

He's just getting planes that are like out of commission.

And by 1973, this incident had cost Patrick today's equivalent of around $64 million and it's still going up all the time because lawsuits are still happening.

So, lawsuits are totally piling up.

He's getting sued or had injunctions against him in Arkansas, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, and New York.

When's he become the president?

Step 1428:

Sell decommissioned planes

to victims

within striking distance of the Baskin Robbins.

Stick to the plane, Patrick!

The Attorney General of California, Avell Younger, hit him with a series of suits that attacked the pyramid scheme business model in all of his companies.

Patrick went after Younger then, suing him, alleging harassment, intimidation, and deprivation of property rights for the money he had stolen from his workers.

That's the best.

I do love that counter.

Yeah.

You broke the law.

I'm taking you to court.

Well, that's making people think I'm a fucking asshole.

I'm taking you to court.

He took out full-page ads and papers charging that Younger was using lawsuits against him to get attention in advance of a run for governor.

The ads had headlines like, Is lynching legal in California?

With a cartoon of himself with a noose around his neck.

Man, they just,

money is cancer.

What are you talking about?

It's great.

God, you know what?

That's the fucking thing about you fucking libs.

You know,

you hear the story of a guy who's wildly successful, creates many businesses, and you're like,

he peeing on people.

Like, it's fucking crazy.

You know what's happening?

He creating jobs, man.

It's so funny that for a minute I forgot he peed on.

He had people pee on

in fucking kennels.

All right, Doug, go to your crate.

And he piss on Doug.

Sunday's gonna be wild, everybody.

We're just wrapping up Saturday.

As the walls closed in, Patrick took to the sky.

And he's flying.

He's flying.

He's got money.

He's got planes.

He's flying.

He loved doing

aerobatic tricks, especially when a newbie was in the cockpit with him.

So he likes to show off.

He's like, look at what I can do.

I can't.

I can't.

Dave, I'm hoping.

No.

I'm hoping this ends.

Why would it?

The way it has to.

Oh, it's a fucking.

This is a guy who's fucking enjoying himself.

Give me me what I need, please.

So he and a buddy jumped into a PF-1 Mustang plane and took off.

Oh, this is great.

Nobody knows what happened next or why, but in the middle of the worst moment of his personal and professional life, Patrick's plane crashed into a field 80 miles north of San Francisco, killing him and his passenger.

Cheering death.

My God.

Yeah, we need to start normalize.

Like, we need to be very,

we need to normalize the death of motherfuckers.

We have to be allowed to cheer.

We have to be allowed to cheer when they die.

And just keep, like, the news when this happened would be like, it's Centric Billionaire

passed away today.

Known for some strange techniques when it came to making money.

He's widowed by a family of dogs with the cleanest food in the world.

Certainly strange, but there's no need to be rude to the man who died and made a guy eat his own piss puke.

In Patrick's own words, quote, there was...

Did he hit a Mr.

Freeze?

Quote, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being wealthy.

God, you have made me an eagle, and I will break the shackles of fear and ignorance which have bound my wings.

That

should have broken out of those a little harder

that with the freedom of truth I will soar above the mountains and clouds and see the wonders of the earth and the great wealth and the great wealth and happiness you have made available

but you got to use less like sky in your window if you're

gonna

fly high in the sky on the wings of my money

unable to be brought down unless I'm ready.

Maybe we shouldn't have put all those Jimmies in the fuel tank.

He was great.

That's it?

He's dead?

Oh, fuck.

Well, yeah, he died.

He crashed.

Research by Josh Androwski sources.

Mental flaws, shell shock.

The pyramid schemer has has convinced his targets to climb into coffins.

New York Times, Fringe, the Strange and Terrible History of the Far Right in High Weirdness.

New Times, Twins, Falls, Idaho, Sacramento Bean, Miami News, Ottawa Citizen, Daily Independent Journal,

and the Anaheim Bulletin.

How much did you know about this guy before?

Yeah, I told him.

I read a tiny bit, and I was like.

See what you can find?

Yeah, I was, because the headlines were like, so

there was once a really crazy fucking lunatic right-wing and I was like, yeah, so that guy will be good

He sued Avon.

He sued Avon.

Yeah.

Oh, because they were a rival makeup company, so he was like, fuck you.

All right, you can do door-to-door makeup sales, but you can't make dudes piss on each other.

That's my move.

Well, I mean, obviously it's just like, this is the fucking problem.

Like, when are we gonna stamp out this behavior, these humans?

When are we going to...

Success?

No, no.

The idea that, like,

you know what I mean?

Like, it has to stop.

Like, when do we stop?

Success?

Oh, fuck.

Will it ever end?

No.

No.

Oh, God, no.

If it would have ended, it would have ended a while ago, but

we're just ramping up.

We're ramping up again.

We're about to all enter the hotel banquet room together.

It feels like the lesson was go bigger.

Take care of the servers, whoever helped you tonight.

Come back to the next show.

We appreciate it.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

What's up, Gareforce?

Dollheads, it's Gareforce.

Listen, I don't know what's going on anymore.

Listen, go to GarethReynolds.com because I have a lot of shows coming up.

I'll be in San Diego, California, September 21st.

Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Springfield, Missouri, the 26th, 27th, four shows.

Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.

I will be in Wichita, Kansas on September 30th at Vorges.

I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.

Fort Wayne, Indiana for two shows on October 3rd.

Then I'm taping my special at the Den, October 4th.

Saturday, October 4th at Chicago, Illinois, GarethReynolds.com.

Also, I'll be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th, 7th, 8th.

I'll be in Omaha, Nebraska at the Funnybone, November 28th, November 29th.

I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, December 2nd.

And then I will also be in Seattle and Eugene right after that.

GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Come on, Gareth Force.

Let's party.