145 - The Past Times with Nate Craig

Malcolm Glaubau here.

This season on Revisionist History, we're going back to the spring of 1988 to a town in northwest Alabama where a man committed a crime that would spiral out of control.

There was this joke that said that it was easier to get forgiveness in the Church of Christ for murdering somebody than it was to be divorced.

From Revisionist History, this is The Alabama Murders.

Listen to Revisionist History, The Alabama Murders, wherever you get your podcasts.

This is Larry Flick, owner of the Floor Store.

Leaves are falling, and so are our prices.

Welcome to the Floor Stores Fall Sale.

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The Floor Store, your Bay Area Flooring Authority.

authority.

All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week.

Nate Craigson.

Hello, Nate.

Hello, thank you very much.

Thank you.

I've kept myself oblivious to any and all previous current events for this episode, and thank you for adding me.

Sorry, just to be clear, you mean you've ignored history in totality for this show?

100% clean slate.

Let's go.

You don't know anything that's ever happened.

Just

absolute bird brain, fire away.

Well, it's not a quiz show.

Do you know what the show is?

I just want to be.

You've done it before.

I don't know if you have stricken that from the memory as well.

NFC Central Season Preview.

Let's go.

Happy to be here.

Go, Packers.

Hey,

let's not dip too hard into the north because, oh, baby.

Oh, baby.

I've been talking Bear fans off a cliff.

Oh, well, that game was crazy for that.

A lot of fun.

I finally made, I was like, I feel bad for you guys.

That was terrible.

That was the shortest false dawn that I think anyone's ever experienced in football.

Oh, man.

They were dancing.

They all had everywhere.

By the end of the first quarter, everybody in the stadium had Dikka sweaters on.

Yeah, well,

they did a ring of honor before the game again, where it's like, stop honoring the 85 Bears, you fool.

They can't stop.

Dude, they cannot stop.

At this point,

they're honoring the Rex Grossman defense.

They're just

the Kyle, the Kyle Orton era.

They're retiring the NFC championship flag.

I mean, it's like, come on, guys.

My son goes, do you remember the 85 Bears?

I go, yeah, of course.

And he goes, old loser.

Well, if you really want to blow his mind, show him the Super Bowl shuffle.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I forgot about that.

No.

Show him the shuffle.

I think that qualifies as cringe.

I think that would be.

Yeah.

I believe you're right.

Back then, it was, I mean, I think it went platinum.

Oh, it's huge.

It was huge.

Yeah.

They were like, what?

The football players are doing a rap song.

The early rap, you're always like, I could definitely do this.

It's like, eventually it started to pick up, and you're like, oh, okay, there's a lot going on here.

But for a while, it's just, I mean, the easiest thing.

Even the Bears can do it.

Yeah.

If Jimmy can't do it, I sure can.

I mean, dude.

They really leaned into that one.

and it blew everybody's mind.

It blew everybody's mind.

Speaking of mind-blowing, Nate, your new special, Married to It is out on YouTube.

Where's the best place for people to go get it?

Just search Nate Craig?

Yeah, Nate Craig, that's just my YouTube channel.

And then, of course, you can pay for it on Patreon and OnlyFans if you'd like to.

So if people want to see you do it with your anus spread, they can go to your OnlyFans.

Other than that, they can.

Second show show way different than the first show.

Yeah, you got to do that.

And you did it at the MGN.

Shout it in Vegas.

First show indoors, second show outdoors.

I just feel like, from an editing standpoint,

a mistake.

A mistake editing-wise?

Or no, you stand by that discussion?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, it's, you know, it's just,

you know, you just gotta.

You just gotta edit in the ping pong balls for the first show, and then otherwise you're good.

The juxtaposition says everything about modern society.

It's really just a commentary on the divide in modern society.

Okay, sure.

All right, let's

not do that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look here, buddy.

I'm telling you where to buy my special.

Okay.

Just because you don't like the directions.

Okay, go get, go get MapQuest.

Go get Skip Bronger back in here.

Let him dial up.

Let him Google search my special.

Stop.

That's an off-camera thing.

We're not going to talk about when you walked in on us doing another.

We're not going to talk about how you treat your guests,

how you

cheat on your guests with that

bronger.

Stop.

In his indie movie.

We wanted to know.

We do this thing where we want the next guest to know their place.

Well, we like to get in their head.

We really like their mind games.

Yeah, come on in.

11:45.

Oh!

Pants down.

Didn't you get the message?

He means nothing to us.

Well, Nate, you've been on the show before, so you know what we're going to do.

We're going to go through a newspaper.

You thankfully have had a blind spot for history just in preparation, which is appreciated.

Unnecessary, but appreciated.

So we're going to guess what year this paper's from, Nate.

You don't, there's no hints.

There's no clue.

No hints.

No hints.

It's just old.

So

you start.

Yeah, go ahead.

When you think

other than the names of the perpetrators, those are always those.

I remember that helped us last time, but

fire away.

We'll see what we can do.

Well, you're just going to take a shot in the dark, yes.

That's how we're doing it.

Okay.

I can give you the first headline.

The first headline is a wicked country.

A wicked country.

Oh, boy.

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

That's talking about somebody other than America.

And I am going to say that this is about

Germany.

This is World War.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

I'm playing with a dish rag.

This is, I'm saying this is.

What are you doing with a dish rag?

This is none of your business.

I'm cleaning up.

What are you doing with a dish rag?

Nate.

You clean up how you clean up.

Are you wiping shit down right now?

My kid did wake up in a

bag of his own shit this morning.

So

yes, to be honest with you, still.

He finally didn't wake up in a bag of your shit.

So let's just call this progress.

A shit bag.

Yes, just a couple of us over here.

I'm going to say this is 1944.

I like it.

I like what you're doing there.

I really do.

I'm going to go 1906.

I think it's about America.

Oh,

so close.

Nate wins.

It is 1910.

All right.

You're under.

I won.

You heard him.

I won.

You were under, but that's got to go over.

Even Price's right rules, which we don't play, would say that I were doing the opposite of Price.

I believe I would be winning both showcases.

I said that ahead of time, that we were doing the opposite of the

sort.

A guest

higher, higher wins.

No, it doesn't, Nate.

Higher wins.

You know what?

You are such a fucking baby.

The rules were explained.

Our guest won.

You're a baby.

Man.

Man, man.

Sorry about it.

Nate, I'm sorry.

Nate, I am sorry.

You know what?

This is why the podcast is successful because you guys can't agree on anything.

And

you invented bizarro prices right rules, which benefit me this time.

And

I didn't write the rules.

No,

we do have a first take, energy.

1910, who's it talking about?

Well, who's the evil car?

What's going on?

It's America.

Well, hold on.

It's October 14th, 1910.

Stark, Florida, the brat bradford telegraph

okay everybody excited about that no a wicked country you want us to be honest no

you should be a wicked country missionary appalled by the conditions existing in alaska Alaska.

See, they, yeah, but they're always, they always do this because they're, they just want to get in there with their religion.

But, you know, they'll say, look how, look how the savages are living, that kind of shit.

Yeah, the savages.

Yeah, this was, this was written by an oil company um

yeah so yeah

so wait a second so so it's it's not a it's not a uh uh a country an actual country it's the uh proverbial country

i don't know if is alaska part of america yet i don't know probably not part of america but what was it prior to that was it a country no uh i think it was just like a back back patch kind of thing

literally

just like yeah just a hooa a wicked country Just a frigid hooa where you kept warm.

But I went there not too long ago, and it's a great country.

It was not a state until 1959.

So until then,

just some backwater bullshit place that really.

What was it?

Not part of Canada.

I think it was part of Canada, I think, or Russia.

It became a U.S.

territory in the 1890s.

Oh, so it was a territory.

So we, what did we kind of Puerto Rico it a little bit?

Yeah.

Yeah, we owe you nothing.

We owe you nothing, but we're taking everything.

Yeah.

Especially if you're savages and

yeah, especially if we review you as unrefined.

We will have your land and your substances.

Okay, it became an incorporated

organized territory in 1912.

So we're not going to be able to do it.

So then before then, it was just

a spot.

I don't know.

A part of Canada, maybe?

I don't know what it was.

Just Alaska?

It was just Alaska.

I don't think they ever should have been free.

I don't think they ever should have been free, though.

They haven't shown that kind of

recorded on Riverside.

They haven't shown that.

Do you want to be your own terrorist?

Build one peer.

build one peer

and we'll think about it

in all my travels since i started in my missionary work in 1871 covering more than 150 000 miles this was my saddest trip I never saw that way.

This is like how YouTubers start their videos.

This is definitely like, this feels like the opening.

i never saw as much wickedness in all my life as i did in the northerly cities and mining camps yeah alaska was a

nightmare of dudes who had all gone up there and it's just a terrible

place yeah it's horrible it's like we were just every dude in the in the states like i'm gonna make money i'm going to alaska and then it was just cities of dudes sounds hot yeah i'm thinking about uh bible study from noon till three if anybody wants to nobody showed no nobody nobody's open to them to the makeshift uh

prayer shelter they're gonna be tits

no it's a bible study no

i haven't seen it

in two years

that's when i stick it in a yak

He's looking at his schedule.

Unfortunately, I'll be yak banging.

Noon toon to 1:30.

This statement was made by J.

Logan Sample, Presbyterian missionary, 77 years old, who has just returned from a year's visit among mining camps of Alaska and is enrolled to his home in Pittsburgh.

Oh, really,

really late in life to rethink your faith in humanity.

77 to be like, oops, that's not the time to make that trip.

You gotta make that when you're when you're 20.

Was his last name?

Sample?

Sample, yeah.

Sample, yeah, sample.

He's up there taking samples.

The mining, mining camps were like one of the worst places ever.

Like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just not good.

No, that was like, yeah, you want to see real toxic masculinity.

Dude, I'd do a mining camp.

I think, like, I think those like those like operational,

you know, like oil company quadrants are still pretty fucking lawless.

Like, there's no, yeah, they have a lot of people.

I think anywhere where you

anywhere where you quarter like 40 men is going to be pretty bad after like two months.

It'll be, everything's Lord of the Flies eventually.

Yeah.

It's exciting.

He's lucky made.

He's lucky he lived to tell about it.

Honestly.

Monsignor sample.

Monsignor.

Spent $75

an hour.

A tale of extravagant living was told to the police by Cesario Munez, who with Alfonso Garcia is under arrest in San Francisco, charged with robbing J.M.

Sumaga, a millionaire mine owner of the the city of Mexico, of $50,000 in jewels and $2,000 in cash.

Good, great.

That's a lot of fucking money back then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jewels.

And you're.

Yeah, jewels is great.

You're supposed to, like, if you're a robber and you get a big score, you're supposed to live extravagantly.

That's the whole, you're not going to be like,

this is before Goodfellas.

We didn't know.

You're supposed to hide it.

Yeah.

Wait a second.

So these guys,

does it say where in Mexico?

Like, how, how far, that's a, that could be a.

It just says Mexico City.

It doesn't say where.

Oh, Mexico City.

Okay.

And they made it all the way to San Francisco with with 60, 70K and jewels and

this and this

mining barons property.

Yeah.

That's good.

Yeah, what's up?

That's a that's a movie right there.

Just the chase alone.

I mean, they could see each other.

You know, it's like what?

It's like, it's It's like one wagon and then 200 yards ahead.

It's like there they go.

Danny on us.

It's like narcos, but like

you definitely have that moment where you're like, we're going to need to drop some weight if we're going to make it.

When you reckon we should throw some of the jewels out.

I ain't looking at the jewels.

Right.

Right.

They started out.

There were six of them.

Yeah.

Now hold on.

You're going to need me.

I don't need you as much as I need those golden nuggets.

Dude.

And they make it all the way to San Francisco.

Also, side note, great place to show up was 60K in whatever year that was, I'm sure.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck you.

That was the place to go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Muny says,

then Garcia proposed that they set about spending the money without delay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Smart.

Let's go fucking this guy's.

Let's go now.

It's time for Crystal.

Like, We're going crazy.

What do you think the most, what year is this again?

This is 1910.

Crystal is still 1910.

Sorry.

Wow, what do you think the most expensive?

$75, what costs $75 an hour in 1910?

Holy crap.

A prostitute

teacher.

Not.

Future sex work.

I don't know.

There's nothing you can find at $75 an hour then.

No, it's limitless.

Everything.

That's a lot of fucking...

$75 an hour then is fucking crazy.

They're living like a dumb and dumber montage.

A ride in a car, actually.

Yeah, a ride in a car.

Yeah.

A bath.

Yeah.

Fresh bath water.

It's $2,500 today.

$2,500.

So

it is a lot.

It's an elite,

elite status.

Okay.

Yeah, you can.

I don't think I could do it.

Amune estimates that during their waking hours, they lived at the out rate of $75 an hour.

So they're just spending $75 an hour, which you could do.

Not when they sleep.

He wanted to be very clear that that stops when they're sleeping.

You don't spend money when you're.

If you're spending money when you're asleep, you're doing it wrong.

It's an average.

They got a suite at the Continental, and so you factor that in.

Yeah.

Haven't you guys ever robbed a fucking mine in Mexico City before, guys?

You got to do it.

You got to do your paperwork.

There's got to be a spreadsheet if you're going to burn through 60k in 1910.

You factor the sweet money in 24 hours of the day.

Your dog agrees with me, Dave.

Dave.

Dave.

This is why I wanted to record in the studio today.

Dave, don't.

I'll come into this.

the

studio.

We're not inviting you, Nate.

Face to face with Matt.

Well, I bet Brong, I bet Matt Bronger was invited too.

Stop, Nate.

Come on, he means nothing to us.

Just dripping water.

We used him as a warm-up for this episode.

Shiny, oiled-up Bronger in the studio.

No, good lord.

Nate, we're doing this online.

Well, well, well,

I don't think we are.

So they got a suite

at the Continental and

they got a steady stream of hoo-was

and

then what?

They get caught?

Oh, okay.

The detectives recovered $583 in money and $1,000 in jewels.

So they spent $49,000 in jewels.

Holy shit.

So

they're just buying.

They're just walking in with

a fucking bracelet

to get a drink.

They pay for eggs, Benedict, with emeralds.

I think it's safe to say those jewels are in the ground somewhere yeah how many emeralds what's 18 in emeralds of this tab

uh mune as they say has promised to find the remainder of the loot oh yeah for sure he's gonna absolutely yeah he's gonna help you out with that yeah no doubt

I also think any mine owner should be robbed, so I'm okay with that.

I agree.

It's one of those ones where you just go, yeah, I don't care.

It's like when people are filming people like robbing a right aid or a CVS and you're just like, yeah, let them.

Okay.

Who gives a shit?

I don't care.

Go hog wild.

You know?

I don't give a fuck about a CVS.

You know what?

That's, that's, what's that called when, when people, uh, like

an ESL employee stock

options, like when you let, when you basically, like, you have like actually like a good,

somebody who like built a successful company, but they, they don't really care about the money.

They just want to have like,

they love all their employees, so they open it up and pay everybody and like, and then everybody's invested in like of all times to do that, like you have like a bunch of like valuable land and a mine.

Like, yeah.

So it's like, hey, dig in, boys.

You're part of this.

Let's go.

That's just not how you run.

That's just, that just doesn't even make sense to a mine, a mining baron.

No, no, once you get barren brain, it's over.

You're not, you don't think like that.

But that's so true.

There are a lot of those, not to be a homer in Wisconsin.

There are so many companies in Wisconsin where they're just like, like they do that, where it's like, yeah, you get 2% or something like that.

New Glaris, Spotted Cow.

Yep.

It seems like

a fun way to live forever.

Seems like a fun way to live.

Seems like a fun forever.

You don't know what Spotted Cow is, Dave?

I do know.

Everyone knows what Spotted Cow is.

Oh, okay.

Wisconsin asshole.

Oh, really?

Wow.

Okay.

All right.

Well,

all right, hot shot.

Okay, hater.

All All right, buddy.

Okay, all right.

Somebody likes, uh, somebody likes white.

Somebody likes white clothes.

We get it.

Hey, well, let me go with Matt Bronger and have you a little fun, huh?

The way you treated us earlier.

That was bullshit.

Well, well, well, it's fine.

It's fine.

It's a decent beer.

It's not worth whatever you guys are doing with it.

It's a good beer.

It is actually a fucking chocolate sundae.

It is actually phenomenal.

Yeah, I know it really is.

And they have other beers that are just as good, which you don't know about because you don't care.

And you turn your head and you buried into the sand.

Yeah.

Fucking ostrich trying to turn your egg

cloth and whatever you drink to feed your beast, but you don't know how because you don't have employee-owned breweries in rural Wisconsin that make sweet cream.

Yeah, that we survive on, and that's why we're the coolest.

Yes, yes.

You're like number one in alcoholics.

Because it's so good.

Because I made dessert beer, you fool.

That's how you survive.

that's how you survive when you know when when when when when when when alcohol's and for lunch when you got alcohol for lunch how do you not have well how are you not an alcoholic i'll be honest honestly it's a technicality i'll be honest

how do you stay warm in those colder months how do you stay and how do you

they're not that way in minnesota because they're losers

you fool it's because they got a mining baron running their breweries nah

they got They don't got the mentality.

They don't got the mentality.

They don't bring their employees in to make the high-quality product, which is a historical

quality

of Wisconsin businesses.

Listen a little bit every now and then.

Dave, you might learn something.

Yeah, once you pick up the business.

Also,

cheese curds are fucking gross.

All right.

I'm driving to Dave's house.

I got this thing.

Finish the episode.

I'll be there.

The fuck makes wet cheese.

What's wrong with you?

What is your deal?

Buddy, I mean, I like, we're happy to hold your hand.

If you want to take a trip,

we can show you God's country, okay?

You're a good

wicked country.

Your wicked country where there's no such thing as curds or good beer.

You're just surviving on high noons and cheat and crap.

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah.

Enjoy yourself.

Yeah.

Sounds fun.

Why don't you just let someone into your heart every now and then, wouldn't you?

No,

live forever like Trump in front of a stack of Big Macs.

You go ahead.

Go for it.

Enjoy yourself.

Enjoy your little life.

Living on finecrafted

food and booze that was made by people that care.

Wet beer and wetter cheese.

Yeah.

Yum.

Yum.

I like walleye.

Okay.

All right.

That's a start.

Well,

we don't hate what you're saying right now, but we're still a little pissed off at some of the earlier stuff.

Yeah, some of the earlier stuff seemed vitriolic.

Yeah, and you'll be having walleye on Friday, but you'll also need to get into the wet cheese a little bit, okay?

Thank you.

Absolutely not.

Never, never putting my hand into a bag of wet cheese.

Well, we'll feed it to you.

We'll gave you a chance.

We'll do a key bump.

It's called a key bump.

We feed it to you.

Yeah.

Nobody's going to go.

We go to a bathroom as three guys, and then we'll just hand it to you.

One in each nose hall.

Yeah, you'll be fine, dude.

Sucks.

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Haunted house mystery.

Police trying to solve queer doings in New Jersey home.

Yes, careful.

Queer doings.

Careful.

I'm hoping it is what we think it is.

That would be a great haunted house.

It's one of those ones where you just stick your hand at stuff and you're like, oh, gross, it's guts.

It's spaghetti.

You gotta warn the condo association.

Yeah.

You gotta let people know.

All right, so

this is spaghetti, but it's supposed to be guts.

My son just fisted your boyfriend.

It was weird at the end when I had to suck all that goo out of that hose.

It's the inside of a body.

It's the inside of a dead body.

But it's not a dead body.

Well, it's how

the dead body made an orgasm sound at the end.

No,

he's a disgruntled spirit in a rotting corner.

He's a zombie.

He's caught in a no-zone.

He seemed pretty scruntled.

Scruntled.

He seemed...

What's the opposite of disgruntled?

He seemed like he was in a good mood.

Scruntling scruntling loudly.

Scruntled is to be satisfied.

Five scruntless

will scrunt again.

Sorry.

A haunted house mystery is occupying the attention of Sheriff Harris and his deputies at Newton, New Jersey.

George Dunlop, a wealthy farmer, reported that for two months, his big colonial farmhouse had been haunted and that he and his wife have been driven almost frantic by rappings and other weird noises and by similar acts of the colours it was the Super Bowl shuffle

it was terrifying it was an actually haunted house

terrible rapping sorry

he said some people quarterback

he said some pieces of clothing had been cut in pieces and a Bible had been slashed well

what are you gonna do

don't leave it around don't leave it laying around sounds like the church said he could marry his uh cousin's daughter, and she too was never happy about it.

Thank you.

Canned goods had been spilled, and his rubber boots, which he left in the kitchen, had been thrown into a cistern.

See, these are the like most, these are just weak hauntings.

Like, he's just like, some of my cans were spilled, my boots had been tossed, some of the clothes have been cut.

The Bible was slack.

Like anything that

was terrifying, awful, terrifying.

One of the tools was rusted.

The fence had a nail missing.

We can't live.

Anything.

Anything like a sheep?

One of the horses.

Anything?

Some of the wool was poofy.

Was there like a sheep's head removed or like did it?

Never removed, no.

But

what are the logs that splintered?

Wow,

we was crazy.

We can't rest, we can't live.

My question is: the cans that were that were emptied out.

How were they smashed?

Were they opened?

We opened them.

We opened them and we ate the contents, and then they were trashed.

Huh.

From the ghost spirits had taken them.

Yeah.

So they sounds like you might have a

maid.

So it sounds like you might have a maid.

No, we don't have a maid.

We we go into the barn a lot of times and we'll drink.

We'll come down the next day and there will have been hauntings.

One of the ghosts puked all over a bale.

Did you remember?

Do you remember where you were at that point?

No, we were there earlier in the night having drinks.

And then the next morning we came up and the ghost had eaten some of the preserves and there was yarf all over our hay.

Sounds like there's a gap in your memory.

Yeah, how often are you drinking?

Always.

Okay, always drinking, always in the barn.

And it's funny that you mentioned that.

These hauntings are occurring in the window of our extreme alcohol ingestion.

You know, alcohol is illegal.

One of the ghosts had sex with my wife.

Okay, well,

and he flew through my crotch because it looked like a Krispy Kreme.

What?

Yeah.

I had a dried

ghost goo.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we're going to have to find him or them or whatever they are.

Do you know what a Krispy Kreme is?

Yeah.

I'm not sure what that is, but we're going to take you down.

We're going to lock you up.

We're going to see if this happens while you're not at your house.

How's that sound?

It won't happen.

It sounds wrong, and

it will happen.

These ghosts know no bounds

one of them actually threw up in my mouth when i slept the other night can we talk to your wife for a second sir

uh i don't think that'd be a good idea

wait why does she not is she okay

she doesn't drink she doesn't drink so she yeah so she's got a whole theory that's just wackadoodle okay well we won't have to we won't have to take her uh downtown but if anyone should go downtown it's her i need to stay here to on ghost watch.

You know, they actually spilled oil out of one of our lamps.

And what do you think the significance of that is?

Oh, you're the cops.

I'm just here giving you info.

I don't know.

Okay,

all right.

Yeah, I don't appreciate, I don't even appreciate the question.

These ghosts are my wife and putting donut glaze on my penis.

They make her come,

yeah.

No, that's the worst part.

They can, they always,

they never can.

So,

all right.

Well, you guys should be getting out of here.

All right.

Well, thanks for the

visit.

Yeah, I'm really, I can't wait for closure.

On four occasions, articles have been thrown downstairs when no one was on the upper floor, and later, three fires were started in the house.

All right, well, I should point out they are lighting fires fires in the home too.

I forgot that detail.

Mr.

Dunlap's stories of the strange happenings in the old mansion are corroborated by a score of neighbors.

The sheriff, after investigation, arrested a female relative of Dunlap's, but she denied any knowledge of the reason for the ghostly doings and a further investigation is being made.

Okay, so she's up to something.

Why would they arrest her?

I don't.

Well, are you saying that the cops have to be right, Dave?

Because you've always been a homer for them.

A cop has absolutely never been wrong.

When has a cop in

ever, ever, yeah, ever.

Fair sounds like this man had a slave that got out of the basement and he caught you're pitching a parasite.

Yeah, it's a it's a it's a real it's a real uh

uh

the call is coming from inside the house situation.

I mean, if you were like robbing this guy and he was like starting to be like, we've had some real, and you're like, oh, shit, he knows.

He's like, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep.

Witch.

No, you didn't say witch.

No, no.

That will have some sort of implication.

Just call her a ghost and that's good.

Ghost is safe.

Ghost is safe.

Don't get canceled.

Damn it, Clem.

Witch is so cliche.

Oh, here we go.

Fucking witch shit again.

Public speaking explained.

The Japanese visitor to this city was asked to make an after-dinner speech.

He arose.

I'm very nervous about this article.

Yeah, you should be.

He arose and began quaintly.

I often wonder, he said, why it is you Americans will hinder your digestion by making these after-dinner speeches.

We Japanese rest after our meals, it is much better.

You don't cook

to our country and tell us we don't get to make a speech after supper.

How dare you?

I love the idea of just napping right after supper, like in a restaurant.

I mean, this was a time when a Japanese guy was like, no, take a rest.

I know that I traveled with a Japanese

delegation over the United States and everywhere the Americans would make us dine, then ask us for speeches afterward.

We would much rather have dined at our hotels and retired afterward to rest for the following day.

By the way, this is a speech that he's making after dinner.

He's telling you to fuck off.

Well, he's finally doing a speech about how much he doesn't want to do this anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like you Americans just you invite us over here and then you want to see us struggle with not our native language after I've just eaten a steak.

Speech.

A steak that's three times the size of what we would serve ourselves in our country, by the way.

You just gave me a you gave me a you just gave me a 26-ounce porter house and now I have to and now I have to make sense without my interpreter.

Yeah.

And now I get a freeze steak, a t-shirt, and a picture on the wall, and I have to make a speech.

You guys made me eat the bone and gristle.

Now I got to do the ABCs.

Look, let's go smoke some opium

and just sit on the patio.

I asked someone why it was this universal after-dinner speech making among the American men at public dinners, and he replied that the American man never had a chance to say anything at home, and that was why.

What a fucking amazing perception of 1910 male existence.

My wife won't let me get a word in.

Also, wait, did the

Japanese businessman say that?

Took a shot like that?

Wow, what you asshole the assholes.

Yeah, honestly.

He brought the ruckus right there.

He's like, I don't know why you keep making me get up here after a steak dinner.

Maybe it's because you're completely chained in your basement of your house.

Now, hold on a minute.

Women, am I right?

That's how you get a big applause.

Women.

Yeah.

You guys get it.

Fell 800 feet.

Oh, no.

You mean dies?

How do you think this guy did?

JC Mars, the daring Western aviator who deals in thrills while you wait, plunged 800 feet through space and landed in Ambrose Channel at the foot of New York Bay while making an airplane flight to Fort Wadsworth, Staten Island.

Now,

wait, exactly what happened?

He landed as a man or as a plane?

It sounds like he fell out.

It sounds like.

Sounds like he pushed himself off a cliff in a wheelbarrow.

And

that's right.

And that's aviator on his business card.

Yeah.

So he's gone.

The 500 horsepower motor on the flying machine went wrong.

It's one way to say it stopped working.

Sure.

It went wrong.

Mars was fished out of the water, unhurt, by a tugboat, and his Curtiss eight-cylinder flyer was picked up by a wreck.

So he jumped out separately and then the plane crashed.

He's the original Sully Solomberger.

He saved his life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He saved his own life.

Yeah.

There's no way

he fell 800 feet and 800 feet in the water.

Substantial.

Yeah.

He'd splat.

He'd splat.

Did you water?

500 horsepower?

That's that's

that's a decent amount.

50 50 horsepower.

Oh, 50 horsepower.

That's nothing.

It's like a lot of money.

like a lawnmower.

But I mean, that'll get a big, that'll get a

fan blade moving pretty good.

You know, I mean,

if you take off fast enough, it'll go.

And then he's, and then he's just, and then he's just

we had Michael Winslow on the show.

And that was pretty good, my friend.

Oh,

the space police are here.

You think Mike Winslow is like to his agent, just like, can I just get

one dramatic role?

Can I just,

I don't want to do the noises for one.

I just want to show people that I can really act.

It's him.

It's him and

Denzel.

Tim and Denzel.

It's like he's dying in a hospital.

The Oscar clip is he's dying in a bed, and it's like

him and Denzel.

Oh, no, he flapped the line for glory, him and Denzel.

Yeah,

earn this.

Mr.

Winslow, in this scene,

you're being whipped by your friend, and you have to take it and cry.

no, not a Scooby-Doo.

Not Scooby-Doo.

Don't do Scooby-Doo.

That's that's not

it's not it's it's not Shaggy.

Shaggy is not the one with a bull whip.

It's uh this is this is Matthew Blackburn.

It's a really somber,

it's a it's a humiliating somber scene.

It's very, very rough.

Mike,

how'd it go, Mike?

How'd the read go?

I think book did I have?

Testament.

Testament to Michael Winslow's sound effects.

All we can do is

imitations, impersonations.

The best.

The best.

Because

we can't do a good gong sound.

Yeah, you can't, exactly.

You can't do a Michael Widslow impression.

No.

No one's ever heard him really speak.

Burglars high old time.

For a week, lived sumptuously in deserted New York home.

When Henry Morris of Brooklyn returns from his vacation, he will find that his home on Putnam Avenue has been looted by two burglars of the storybook type.

Storybook burglars.

Sounds like this guy has yet to discover his house.

Sure.

That's fair.

My first interview,

if I'm the detective, is with the person who wrote this article.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the owner of the house's name again?

It is Henry Morris.

Oh, Morris.

Hey, man.

His pipeline is a street.

Yeah.

Hey, Morris.

You seen your living room lately?

No,

I'm on

vacation.

I have.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Okay.

Well,

everything looked good on our end, but just.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You're a reporter?

Yeah, no, everything looked good.

I just checking in on everybody these days, and your

living room came across my right

i you uh you're everything's good your uh your lamps your uh the golden statue of uh

of your grandparents is still there

you're a reporter in my home you're no no no no no no i just i mean everybody talks about your living room and how fancy it is and uh you know your your uh your your

the antique uh china set and the crystal uh chandelier that's all there that's all right where it is i just have been waiting to

honestly write about it because I'm a big antiques guy and everybody talks about your living room.

But it's good.

It's good.

Enjoy your vacation and we'll catch up.

We'll catch up when you're back.

And I'll maybe get a little bit of a double channel.

I'm slightly uncomfortable.

No, no, he's, you know, he does.

He's got no idea.

He's he's on vacation.

He's, you know, he loves

so many candelabras.

He's off in some

foolish, stupid man.

Boss, got a question.

Why do we call him anyway?

What was the...

I don't.

I just

like to

see if people have a clue so that I know

how worried how we how much we got to spend to cover our

processing.

Okay.

Real ragtag bunch these guys.

I mean, just

yeah.

Yeah, GJ.

Hey, boss,

did you get the newspaper article written?

Yeah.

Hey, remind me again what the plan is.

I don't know.

I thought you had it.

Boy, all this stuff sure is valuable, but it's not worth a cent compared to humiliating people in the newspaper.

Yeah.

But I'm starting to think this is why we always get caught.

I'm still on the phone, you idiots.

Well, well, well, well.

Keep going.

You're getting it hung up.

Long story, you're in the paper

Mr.

Edward afternoon.

From the appearance of things, the burglars had been there about a week.

Every dish in the cupboard had been used.

Slow rob is just, I think

we've lost the slow rob.

We have.

Yeah.

The long loot, the fortnight of robbing.

This is about humiliation.

Yeah, it is.

Well, I also like the idea of testing out what you want to take for a minute, being able to give the stuff a test dry.

Is this the road for me?

The worst part is what they leave behind.

Yeah, that's it.

Damn it.

Keep your fucking trash.

It's just a globe.

They live in his house.

They use his shit.

They eat everything.

They do God knows what all while talking about it in the local newspaper.

Yeah.

And then

before he even gets home.

Yeah.

every dish in the cupboard had been used.

There was ice in the refrigerator, showing that the men had taken proper care of the beers and wines, which they brought in,

some of which still remained.

So, wait, wait, I'm sorry,

they brought their own shit to party and like left a lot.

Yeah, they're partying.

They're renting.

They just like, they were just like, okay, we don't need that ketchup.

Just leave it for the next fella.

They left it like a condo yeah you're just like there's a little open sake in here for some reason

this mayonnaise is from 1991

yeah there's baking soda mustard sake

i love an empty cigar box yeah oh yeah an empty cigar box

and the large assortment of empty bottles told a story of happy hours

Every portable article thieves, this is awesome.

They had a good time.

Yeah.

Every portable article of value in the apartment had been taken, including Mr.

Morris's wedding wardrobe.

Oh, not the medical.

Dave, you wore a wardrobe when you got married, right?

Isn't that right?

Yeah,

sometimes they take it out and just wear it around.

How do you remember this?

Investigation by the police revealed the fact that several neighbors had seen two strange men leaving the building, one of whom was attired in a frock coat

and leather shoes.

So it's kind of it is kind of

what it is, I think.

This guy put on a frock coat, a leather leather shoes, and a silk hat, and was just, these guys were having

an awesome time.

I mean, he was dressed like a groom.

He's like, sir, yes.

The other carried a suitcase that was apparently heavy.

Yeah.

Dragging just a suitcase of just valuables.

I mean, that's fucking amazing.

They'll walk you.

Like, hopefully the cops don't stop us because this is a pretty bad one.

It was like a, it was like a week-long all-around town weekend at Bernie's.

Yeah.

This guy's shit.

And everybody in town knew it happened.

It was old news by the time he got back from vacation.

They're Laurel and Hardying down the street, just sort of like, you fool.

A fine mess you've gotten us into now.

Well, I can't lift the heavy end.

I'm wearing the wedding wardrobe.

I can't.

I'm wearing the wedding wardrobe.

Merry Fish Fry Party.

It might see, it's mighty nice, pleasant, and interesting to make new friends, especially when new friends are charming young people in love with themselves and all

crazy start to any article.

Viewing life from the Merry Standpoint of of goodwill and good cheer.

How to be popular in the newspaper.

Recently, it was the writer's happy lot to be an invited guest to go singing and fish frying with a jolly party of young folks.

Pine.

But no, no, no, that's Wisconsin.

That's when you're going to get your walleye.

Friday fish fry.

Yeah,

it's a nice party to be invited to.

I have no idea how, you know, this reporter decided to start an article like that.

It's crazy.

Sad.

He was very excited.

Friendship is when you get along with someone.

He was very excited about being invited to something.

And then all of a sudden, the next thing you know, you're being invited to a party.

And that's pretty cool, too.

Somebody was invited.

to a dinner this weekend.

I speak from experience when I say going to an event is pretty freaking cool.

Some of you may have been to a party.

The rest of you might go to a party.

But let me tell you, they're a big deal.

Allow me to peel the curtain back a little bit and talk about the time I went to a party with cool people who also happen to be my friends.

They probably

don't have to read this and probably don't want me to tell you everything that went on at this party, but I'm here to say that it's pretty cool.

There's drinks and cups and fish that's been fried.

I told a really cool story that everybody was really happy to hear.

Okay,

it wasn't my first party, it won't be my last party,

but

it was probably cooler than any party that you went to this weekend.

The editor.

All right, look.

So,

article-wise.

Sounds pretty great.

Sounds pretty cool.

Sounds pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm glad you went to a party and you did good.

There was so much fish and they even had brandy.

And

they had

they let us keep our shoes on.

It was fantastic.

Crazy thing to highlight, obviously, about the shoes, but there's candles on the table.

I understand.

I understand.

I guess what we're going for in this periodical is more,

it needs to have some.

you want to name names, you have me to name names like the Epstein list, but for a no, no, no, no, no, no, it's like it needs to have value to society.

Why is it why is it interesting?

That's right.

Why is this

a big party and I got invited to it?

I know, but that's the thing.

It seems like you're just happy you got invited.

Do you understand?

Well, you weren't at the party.

I mean, I talk about the party.

You read, keep reading, keep reading, keep reading.

The party is in there.

I talk about the party.

All right,

all right.

We'll keep reading.

All right, we'll see.

Reese.

Oh, Wayne.

Our party didn't care a continental whether Alligator Creek was to be

canalized or public roads automobilized.

The philosophy of life to all was that the cheerful always die young because they never grow old, that years do not make age.

It's all the same, whether 16 or 60.

All right.

So, um,

see, See?

I don't see.

See?

What are you talking about?

There was alligators in the backyard and young people everywhere.

No.

It was.

Mr.

and Mrs.

Mr.

and Mrs.

J.W.

Edwards were the venerable chaperones.

Did you ever see a motherly hen go frantic when she

is?

Who is she?

When she beheld her duck egg chickens plunge into water?

Well, that was her.

What are you talking about?

That was her.

We fed the crocodiles.

We had to feed the crocodiles.

The hosts had a friend, and she was also invited to the party.

She was a very nice lady.

She had a nice dress, and

she had several ducklings and ducks.

And

everybody sat on the patio.

We had our drinks and our

look, sit down.

First of all, sit down.

Sit down.

All right, all right.

First of all, control yourself.

We had no scene and we're not at Samson Lake, but we were all at sea with hearts fluttering for supper in the lovely night breeze on a level sward of pine needles with the green grass growing all around and around.

And not the fish.

This was Holly Wagus.

All right, all right, get out, get out, get out.

A bright fire was built so we could see each other laugh under the box stars.

Our Commodore, Captain Mally Jones, sifted sand to farmer Provats and soon returned with chickens,

farmer boys, a fiddle, and a banjo.

And while the palan boiled, us boys and girls danced all denominational known on the face of the globe and in the good old town of Stark.

After a merry supper and a dozen alligator songs by a renowned captain, we all voted the chicken pelou to his first try of the season.

What are you talking about?

Boss, sounds like you mad you weren't invited.

I don't even understand.

Well, you didn't like not getting invited.

We all yelled ho!

We all yelled ho.

Have you never been to a party where everyone yells hoe at the end?

Sounds like no.

You're angry.

I doubt that this happened.

We feasted.

Oh, it happened.

The alligators feasted.

There was waterfowl.

There was regular fowl.

There was fishes.

There was sand.

Cravats.

Are you name-dropping sand right now?

You're name-dropping sand.

Who cares?

Fancy sand.

And there was cravats.

And people had sand in their cravats, and it was on purpose.

And that's what happened at this party.

Okay.

Look, look, look, look, look.

I'll admit this paper is in need of some more articles.

You don't believe it because it's unbelievable, but I'm here to tell you that.

It's very believable.

You ate chicken fish in a yard.

It was.

As if it was that simple.

It was much more.

It was much more.

There was spells.

So much more.

It was as if the universe had cast a spell.

No, it wasn't.

You have been to a barbecue, sir.

You have not been to a feast where people yell

Bam!

All right, we'll put it at the end.

Save the rest of life.

I like it.

Now get out.

Oh!

Next party, they give him an NDA.

Science.

This guy.

You told all our secrets.

Oh, my lord, Ham.

Oh, we're having everything we could ever desire.

It's like I died and went to party heaven.

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

A Scottish superstition in Scotland, bringing a flowering hawthorn into the house foretells a death in the family.

Why would you say that?

That's right.

If you bring in flowering hawthorns, someone's gonna pass.

Absolutely destined to be that way.

There's no way you're in there.

Why are you bringing that into my home?

There, someone's gonna die.

I'm surprised I'm still breathing.

good lord it's a miracle we've all made it through the night

it's an absolute shock you've been you've taunted feet you have what did they bring what what is what is the foretold

hawthorn a flowered hawthorn yeah

oh

the mayor brought a smoking witch's cauldron into the living room

they they they're they're they're they're there's no chance of survival now.

That's it.

We're all dead men walking.

We're all dead.

It's over.

It's either the bottom or the top.

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, you don't.

Thanks, there's nobody.

Welcome to the arches.

Everyone's big.

Flower Hawthorne.

Oh, you cares the house.

You care.

You killed your curtains.

The curtains dead.

Half the clan has perished because the flower hoffer.

Why would you bring this into the home?

No one will live.

This scene was cut out of Braveheart.

This was the scene that was cut out of Braveheart.

Yeah.

But do we need it?

Charlie Kirk.

I saw that, Dave.

I don't want to say Kirk died.

What is did someone murder Charlie Kirk?

I assumed that he

got shot.

His male.

Oh, really?

All right.

I know he got shot.

Oh my God.

Oh

my God.

The video is insane.

I mean, this is just another step in America losing its fucking mind.

Yeah, totally.

You know, I've always said, like, everybody talks about how Fox News is bad for society.

Dude, AM Radio did more, did the heavy lifting.

Like, AM Radio has zombified so many people in their fucking cars over the years.

The The blowback's going to be crazy.

That's, that's what I, that's, that's the thing.

It's like,

but this was, this was going to have to go.

It is.

It's the eventuality anyway.

Everything's already on the timeline.

It's like, is it getting moved up or staying in, you know, an odd arm's length?

But it is going to be

never let a good crisis go to waste.

But that video is fucking crazy.

I couldn't really see it.

It was blurry.

You see him get, like, does he get shot in the face?

Neck.

Oh, my God.

I mean, I can't imagine that he survives what I just saw.

Well, it's like Preston is saying he's dead, but I don't know.

Well, Nate, thanks for joining us on the past times.

Yay.

As we live through our own strange newspaper days.

As our society is actually about to go back to 1910.

As we are about to return.

Wow.

This is fucking crazy.

Good to prep on

how things go

in the new era that we'll be living in.

Oh, my God.

Minus one century plus after

people decide to.

Well, let's.

I don't know what we'll keep of this part.

50.

Your special is called Married to It.

We can get it on YouTube.

Or if people want to be traditionalists and pay for content, they can go to your Patreon.

Can they just go to Patreon and just search your name, Nate Craig?

Nate Craig.

Yep.

You're fantastic, Nate.

OnlyFans, I'm at good husband.

Very interesting.

Very interesting wrinkle there at the end.

Yep.

Thank you for joining us.

We love you.

You're the buddy.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you, buddy.

Let's meet up and haunt the bar together sometime.

Go pack it.

Yeah.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What's up, Gare Force?

Dollheads?

It's Gareforce.

Listen, I don't know what's going on anymore.

Listen, go to GarethReynolds.com because I have a lot of shows coming up.

I'll be in San Diego, California, September 21st.

Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Springfield, Missouri, the 26th, 27th, four shows.

Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.

I will be in Wichita, Kansas on September 30th at Vorcher's.

I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.

Fort Wayne, Indiana for two shows on October 3rd.

Then I'm taping my special at the Den October 4th.

Saturday, October 4th, at Chicago, Illinois.

GarethReynolds.com.

Also, I'll be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th, 7th, 8th.

I'll be in Omaha, Nebraska at the Funnybone, November 28th, November 29th.

I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, December 2nd.

And then I will also be in Seattle and Eugene right after that.

GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Come on, Gareth Force.

let's party.