150 - The Past Times with Mike Bridenstine

Speaker 1 What if I told you there was yet another tool where you could get surface-level data insights in static, uninformative dashboards?

Speaker 1 There are 170 of these products, and luckily for you, we're not one of them.

Speaker 1 Hex is a new platform for working with data. We combine deep analysis, self-serve, and trusted context in one platform with purpose-built AI tools for data work.

Speaker 1 Over 1,500 teams like Ramp, Lovable, and Anthropic use Hex.

Speaker 1 Learn why at hex.ai.

Speaker 2 Your global campaign just launched.

Speaker 3 So your brand always shows up polished, protected, and consistent everywhere. Learn more at adobe.com/slash go/slash express.

Speaker 2 All right, everybody, Welcome to the pastimes. It's a podcast.
Is it? No, it's not a podcast. It's a series of technical hurdles until nobody wants to record a podcast anymore.

Speaker 2 You know what we do here? Each week we go through a newspaper from a random dated history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony.

Speaker 2 I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great Mike Bridenstine. Hi, Mike.
Hi. Thank you for having me.
How are you? I'm fantastic. Thank you for being here.

Speaker 2 I feel good.

Speaker 2 Thank you for hanging in there, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm sorry about Gary. I'll be honest, I've been at it for 30 minutes today.
Yeah. So you guys just got around seven, and that's

Speaker 2 the right time. Yeah, Dave rolled in very confident that everything would be set up, and it was, which isn't.

Speaker 2 Was pretty much. Except for all the stuff we just did.
Well, yeah, but I climbed a ladder. I turned on lights.
I plugged in.

Speaker 2 There's been a lot of ladder talk since I got here. Yeah.
And it seems excessive. Well, there's a matter of time until there's a rope attached to whatever.

Speaker 2 But you're calling that thing there a ladder.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because a lot of people would just call that a stepstool. When you get to my age, stepping stools become ladders.
It's just got two steps. Yeah, but that's that's a dance where I come from.

Speaker 6 How many steps there have to make a ladder?

Speaker 2 I think that's a really good question. Four.
Four steps. I think that's a pretty good answer.
I'll be honest.

Speaker 2 I'm the one getting raked, but that's a pretty good answer.

Speaker 6 When does a step stepstool become a ladder? Four?

Speaker 2 I believe that's I mean, that's what put Siddhartha in Nirvana, if memory serves, was a question like that. That's right.

Speaker 2 Mike, will you tell us about your book that is out now that came out yesterday? Where can people get it? But then will you kind of tell us what that is about a little bit?

Speaker 6 It's called Kansas City Comedy. You can get it on.
Unfortunately, Amazon is the best place to get it.

Speaker 2 I love Amazon. I'm a big fan.
We're all there.

Speaker 6 I looked up the the most infamous set I'd ever heard of. And when I started talking to people who were at this comedy set in 2001, they were like, well, you know where this was, right?

Speaker 6 And so I found out it was at Stanford and Sons in Kansas City, which basically, this is one of those, like, they would try to pay people in chicken wings and cocaine type clubs. Yeah.

Speaker 6 And then I found out that the owner.

Speaker 6 of that club, when he was in college, got robbed at gunpoint when he was selling weed, got a fake FBI badge, and went on a string of 33 fake sting operations to try to get his money back.

Speaker 6 And then he came out to Hollywood to pitch his story. They bought it and then all of these bad things started happening and they thought he faked it.
So we tried to prove it was true.

Speaker 6 So these three guys go rob a drug dealer. Two of the three of them get fucking murdered in the process.
And then he goes and runs this club.

Speaker 6 So all of these, like the story kept getting crazier and crazier.

Speaker 6 And then I would talk to people from Kansas City, like I talked to, like, or people who knew about it, like Paul Provenzo, would be like, the story that you're working on is the best one, but do you know about Emery Emery in the wheelchair?

Speaker 6 And so I found this.

Speaker 2 Wait, Emery Emery's involved. He faked.

Speaker 6 being paralyzed in a wheelchair for two fucking years just so he could get a standing ovation at a theater and then stand himself.

Speaker 2 Oh my

Speaker 2 god. You know what sucks about this? The podcast is not going to be nearly as good as what's happening right now.

Speaker 6 No, it's like, this is like, I've done stand-up for like almost 25 years, and this is easily the craziest three stories I've ever heard, like in one book.

Speaker 2 So it's called,

Speaker 6 it's, it, and two of the stories have, it all happened in Kansas City. So I made it about Kansas City.
So it's called a Kansas City comedy. And I is the most fun I've ever had writing anything.

Speaker 6 And I actually think like people will enjoy these stories and stuff.

Speaker 2 I believe so.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's just like it was a lot of fun to write. And yeah, I hope people check it out.

Speaker 2 That's awesome. Well, that is shocking.

Speaker 2 That is,

Speaker 2 honestly,

Speaker 2 the standing ovation one is sticking with me even more than the first one, which is

Speaker 2 have you ever met Emery Emery? No. Okay.
No.

Speaker 6 He came to the release party last night. He told me that if people, if he had been wearing a tie on stage, the gasp in the theater would have taken the tie towards the crowd.

Speaker 2 And then and then A.

Speaker 6 Whitney Brown was the headliner, and everybody who was there was like, A. Whitney Brown spat in his face when he got to the great room.

Speaker 2 Wait, so A. Whitney Brown was under the impression that he was also had a form of paralyzation.

Speaker 6 For two years. Like, James Inman was like, we were going to stab him in the legs to see if he was really paralyzed.

Speaker 2 And I was like, why didn't you?

Speaker 6 And he goes, because what if he's paralyzed?

Speaker 2 And I was like, fair enough.

Speaker 2 That,

Speaker 2 that is

Speaker 2 absolutely incredible. How have I never heard that?

Speaker 6 So the story, I'll tell you the craziest story. It's like

Speaker 6 this guy, Kyle Paris. And we had heard this story because he moved to Chicago where I was doing, where I kind of started.
And he found Roadkill on the way to the open mic.

Speaker 6 And he put a possum in his cooler. and then he took it out on stage.
He was pretending he was an animal trainer and he's like, oh no, my animal died.

Speaker 6 And this thing is like, it's July in Kansas City, so it's rotting on the freeway. And then he put a vacuum cleaner in the possum's mouth and he's like, let's get out, whatever's choking it.

Speaker 6 Turn the vacuum on.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 And whatever is, a vacuum sucks in. A vacuum also blows out.
And so there's like a hundred people in this open mic and they're trampling over top of each other. People are vomiting.

Speaker 6 The GM is throwing pint glasses at his head and like threatening to kill him. And then he got kicked out of the club, banned for life, and he's sitting on the curb.

Speaker 6 And the comics are walking out, being like, What the fuck, dude? And he looked at all of them because he had to wait and he wanted to get his vacuum. He left it inside.

Speaker 6 And so, like, everybody that was like yelling at him, he was going, I just thought it would work.

Speaker 6 And so

Speaker 6 I'd heard this story for years. I found people who were there and it just started like snowballing from there.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, they don't, we all, we all romanticize Andy Kaufman, but you forget

Speaker 2 it was a world of bombs. And then

Speaker 2 we look back with great reverence.

Speaker 2 But that,

Speaker 2 you know what really sucks about that is that he missed the clip era because talk

Speaker 2 about a clip.

Speaker 6 Yeah,

Speaker 6 the quote that I loved in the book is this, uh, his best friend telling me like how viral he would have gone. She's like, You've seen Matt Reif.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I, I did, I used to do, well, I did it a couple of times, touch a fish night. So I would, when I was hosting at the Holy City Zoo,

Speaker 2 I would go buy a fish and I would tie it to the ceiling so it would hang down. And I wouldn't let anybody do a set until they touched the fish.
A dead fish? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's just like a, it's like a trout or something.

Speaker 2 And I could not believe how many people

Speaker 2 would be screaming like

Speaker 2 the Apollo log. It was fucking crazy.
And that just made me want to do it more. Oh, that is so funny.

Speaker 2 And I guess Sand of Lore is also my favorite.

Speaker 6 Sand of Lore is like my favorite thing.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 that's quite a... That's quite a combination of a few

Speaker 2 things. But unfortunately, Mike, we're not a regular podcast, so we can't just...

Speaker 2 This is probably the most we've talked to a guest about what they're trying told you.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, we, no, no, we really uh, we pushed you. But let's get to the premise of this show, even though people are dreading it.
Um, we're gonna go through a newspaper, Mike.

Speaker 2 You heard the intro. We're gonna start with guessing what year it's from.
You, as our guest, get to guess first.

Speaker 2 Um, the range is probably 1700 to be 20 years ago. I don't know.
We don't know, but go ahead and guess. You'll win either way because Dave is a real prick.
I'm a prick.

Speaker 6 1866.

Speaker 2 Good. Okay.
Feels good. That's not it, but he wins, which is amazing.

Speaker 2 1927. What's your deal?

Speaker 2 I just feel

Speaker 2 I felt this vibe.

Speaker 2 The guessing is the whole thing. He was in such a happy way.
He was way off. It's not even about necessarily.

Speaker 2 No, it isn't. He looked so happy when he was saying.

Speaker 2 I would have been. I get happy.
I've named it directly the year a couple times. It made me very happy.
My favorite thing is guessing years years incorrectly.

Speaker 6 So that's why I was so happy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you could tell.

Speaker 2 So now I got to guess first. I just, you really are, you know, it's like when you're playing tic-tac-toe and you're like, I can't win.
You know what? It's so weird to

Speaker 2 watch.

Speaker 2 a co-host of a show

Speaker 2 not be able to feel joy for a guest. Shut up.
I mean, that's what's going on here. All right, 1927.
Where's the paper from? I'll guess that. March 9th, 1927, the Kansas City Post.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Hey, we were just in Kansas City. I'm going back there.

Speaker 2 Couple people.

Speaker 2 I got a new closer, by the way. I'm trying to remember.

Speaker 2 Well, it's a possum in a vacuum.

Speaker 6 It'll close the club.

Speaker 2 Don't worry. Yeah.
It'll definitely close the club. It's a full closer.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 Don't kill bandits. Kiss them.
Yankee merchants policy. Oh, let's see.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Don't kill bandits, comma, kiss them, comma. Yankee merchants policy.
It's still just not a good headline. I think that's called progressive in 1927, Kansas.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's sexy. I don't hate it.
It's just kiss them. I like that.
Brockton, Massachusetts.

Speaker 2 You know, I love when we do a Kansas City paper and all the stuff. Local news.

Speaker 2 Was that a Brockton, Massachusetts? Kisses frustrated a holdup here today.

Speaker 2 It is, it would, your wires would get crossed if someone just kissed you during a holdup. Yeah, what would well, it depends.

Speaker 2 Like, if you're, if the dude's really homophobic and I like to lean across the counter and I'm like,

Speaker 2 1927,

Speaker 2 Brockton, Massachusetts. I bet that is

Speaker 2 like homophobia there. They don't like gays at that point.

Speaker 6 No. Or they didn't know what they were.
They might not have known what they were.

Speaker 2 Are we pretending like they do now?

Speaker 2 Well, now they know what they are.

Speaker 2 They know what they are.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they know what they are. Yeah, they're like, it's what you, if you don't finish your shot, it's what you are.

Speaker 2 You don't have to go to Duncan, it's what you are.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 When a bandit entered his store and demanded money, Sam Alderman became so excited that he kissed him on the cheek.

Speaker 2 The hold-up man was so surprised that he left empty-handed. Yeah, it is.
It is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Speaker 2 The old-up man was so surprised that he left empty-handed, and Alderman was so pleased that he chased the bandit and kissed him again before he got away.

Speaker 2 This is not real. This is not true.
This is absolutely not

Speaker 2 the chasing and kissing made it a lot less true for me. Isn't that how you prefer a kiss though? To be chasing

Speaker 2 you a little bit? I mean, I'd rather that than be chasing.

Speaker 2 You know? Yeah.

Speaker 6 You got to chase me a little bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's right.
You like a little bit of a chase. Oh, I like the chase.
Yeah. I love a chase.
So the guy was getting robbed kissed him.

Speaker 6 He kissed him, and so he's like, okay, I'm not going to rob you anymore. He runs.
Then the guy runs after him and kisses him again. Am I getting this right?

Speaker 2 Kissed him again, yeah. Yeah, kissed him again to sort of celebrate that it was over.
And you would think the guy, well, I wonder what he's holding him up with. It doesn't say clock,

Speaker 2 it doesn't say he had a weapon or anything, so he just walked out. Give me your money.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I would kiss a robber. I think that's wrong.
I don't believe you. I would gently kiss,

Speaker 2 starting the lips, and then go down to a nipple. Hey, buddy.

Speaker 2 Go ahead and do it.

Speaker 2 You okay, pal? You doing all right over there? I'm never okay. Yeah, things seem a little bad for you.

Speaker 6 How bad was that accident on the way here?

Speaker 2 Later today, Dave posts about his divorce that's coming. By the way, everyone, what I would do a robber.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 We might get a divorce because she bought tickets to a play this weekend

Speaker 2 that is called ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Speaker 2 And she goes, it's, it's, it's, I want, I don't want to tell you what it's about. And I go, no, you have to.
And she goes,

Speaker 2 she helps, she solves problems for people in the audience. And I'm like, so it's not a play.
It's a crazy person.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 We might get divorced.

Speaker 2 Better than going to that. Right? Yeah.
Easier route. She's like, what about we just have a night out? I go, yeah, but what about a good one? Oh, you read this story.
I need to Google this play.

Speaker 2 Colorado judge upholds the right to get drunk in home. Yeah,

Speaker 2 hell yeah. What the fuck? Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 okay it is it's prohibition

Speaker 2 oh

Speaker 6 okay you can allow it in 27

Speaker 2 yeah it's basically where we got to with weeds eventually yeah like we were just like just fucking do it i mean obviously we've pushed it since then and i love it uh this is colorado springs colorado if you live in colorado springs you can get as drunk as you please provided you stay in your own home that in effect was the ruling of Judge C.W.

Speaker 2 Haynes, a municipal court,

Speaker 2 of municipal court in the case of C.A. Glover, charged with drunkenness.
A lot of C's. What judge at this time is not getting drunk at home?

Speaker 2 Well, they all are. Yeah, and we came out of

Speaker 2 the judges used to just be in bars.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Did you know this?

Speaker 2 Way, way back when

Speaker 2 most court cases were in saloons for a long, long time. It's great.

Speaker 6 That's where you voted or something, too.

Speaker 2 And so, yeah, everything happened there, right?

Speaker 6 Everything's in there.

Speaker 2 Go in there, make love to your wife. Oh, Dave.
The whole business.

Speaker 2 You need to go to this show, my king. Okay, say it.
Well, let me finish this. Quote, it is a man's inalienable, inani,

Speaker 2 inalienable right. Judge Haynes said in dismissing Glover to get as drunk as he pleases if his inclination is so misguided

Speaker 2 in his own home without interference of the police, if he is not committing a breach of the public.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing: I would say it's the option, he's like doing it like you should be blackout drunk at home. If he instead was just like, you should be allowed to drink in your house.

Speaker 2 That argument, it feels a lot more clear and concise to me that a guy should be able to get as drunk as he wants. Like, you should be, sir.

Speaker 2 I'm on your side in this case. You should be able to get absolutely shit pied.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Somebody take pictures of your asshole to an ex-drunk.

Speaker 2 Or yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Somebody walked past this guy's window or something in 1927 and is like, I don't care for how drunk this man is in his home, and I'm calling the police.

Speaker 2 Yeah, somebody had to have reported him. Yeah.
He's in

Speaker 2 a judge. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, what's the play about?

Speaker 2 About About two hours too long.

Speaker 2 It look actually has a lot of positive reviews, but I don't know what that means. I mean, it doesn't.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I mean, I feel like they shouldn't be allowed to do plays anymore.
She's the breakout star of the Edinburgh Fringe, the New York Times. Okay.
Edinburgh Fringe. Big deal.

Speaker 2 Describe it. She's a the breakout star of the Edinburgh Fringe doesn't mean that it's good.
It just.

Speaker 2 I mean. I mean, the French is okay, but it's also like.
I don't know how I feel about talking this much shit about another performer on. I mean, didn't the penis guys come out of there?

Speaker 2 Puppetry of the penis? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's not my thing either. I don't want to see guys play with it.
If I'm going to see guys playing with their dongs, I'm going to go to a bathhouse.

Speaker 6 Touch a fish first.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 exactly. I don't know.
I think you should go to this. I really do.
And I'm not just saying that.

Speaker 2 It seems like a perfect show for you and your wife to go to this. It doesn't

Speaker 2 describe it.

Speaker 2 I don't know what the fuck it is. Oh, it doesn't say? Not really, which is great.
That doesn't make any sense. It's 70 minutes, no intermission.
I think you can. 70 minutes.

Speaker 2 Okay, 70 minutes is not terrible. I was really expecting like two and a half hours.
It contains haze and fog. 70.
Need you no more? I don't want to be in haze and fog. Come on.

Speaker 2 Be a guy. Live a little bit.
I spent enough time in haze and fog.

Speaker 2 By the way, I went to the screening last night of Pistachio Wars. Oh, how is it? She's

Speaker 2 Losh Yasha Levine's documentary about the Resniks.

Speaker 2 It's fucking dystopian. It's dying, Yeah.

Speaker 2 But really good. But it's dystopian.
That's my favorite shit to watch. Yeah.
It's pretty dark. Stuff where I'm like, wow, we're fucked.
That was really good.

Speaker 2 It's funny because at the end you go, oh, we don't have a water problem in California. We have a rich person problem.
Way better. There's tons of water.

Speaker 2 It's just rich people.

Speaker 6 Didn't they take all of the water of like central California?

Speaker 2 Basically, yeah. That's pretty cool.
It's pretty cool. Which is cool.

Speaker 2 I mean, they basically use the same amount of water that we use in Los Angeles a year just to grow almonds and pistachios, which are a totally, essentially useless crop in the grand scheme of things.

Speaker 6 Unless you're on keto and then it's like a pretty good snack.

Speaker 2 No, no, for keto, absolutely 100%.

Speaker 2 100%. I meant to say boom, but I said beam.
I don't know if anybody caught that. Nobody.

Speaker 2 I'm just trying to hang in the conversation. Hey, man.
You're doing a lot of out-loud talking about the things that you should be thinking, FYI.

Speaker 2 Revolver shot causes uproar in the courtroom. Court used to be awesome.
Yeah, right?

Speaker 6 Court TV back then was would have been amazing.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, you used to go to court.
You'd be like, fuck yeah. I saw a shooting today in court.
Yeah, the judge was drunk as shit.

Speaker 2 He said he called it his home. Who shot somebody?

Speaker 6 A drunk judge brought a gun.

Speaker 2 The man in charge of law.

Speaker 2 Guilty.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 Judge Jerry execute. Bang.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is a

Speaker 2 bailiffs were invented.

Speaker 2 We need someone here to just be like, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
That the judge will listen to. This is out of Indiana.

Speaker 2 Accidental discharge of a revolver today threw into turmoil the courtroom where Frank McErling, Chicago gangster, is on trial for the killing of Thad

Speaker 2 Fancher. Yeah.
I mean, he should be killed for that name. Killed him over his name.
Thad Fancher. Yep.
Thad Fancher.

Speaker 2 Crown Point attorney. The hearing was halted for several minutes until it was discovered James McNeese, special prosecutor, who was carrying the weapon in the briefcase.

Speaker 2 Normal. Brushed against a table in a room adjoining the courtroom, causing the revolver to go off.
Jesus Christ. So

Speaker 6 the trial is about a mobster who killed an attorney, and then another attorney's gun went off.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's a little on the nose.

Speaker 2 That's how, yeah, that's that's how There's going to be a trial for this. I'd hate to slip to bump into a building.

Speaker 6 Like a, you know, like

Speaker 6 how they used to threaten each other.

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 2 fuck that table. That's what you say after your gun goes off.
I don't know. I wanted to hear from the defense side, too.
He should be in your house.

Speaker 2 Vincent McErlane, brother of the defendant in the room at the time, had a narrow escape. So he almost got shot.
How do you

Speaker 2 get it? He didn't get shot. It just went off.
He had it. It went by him.
Boring. Boring part of the story.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So this is interesting. So, Preston, there's a story here, and then he said

Speaker 2 he put in a follow-up that he found three weeks later.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's great. We'll have a

Speaker 2 little time jump. That'll be fun.
That is good. That's good work there, Presty.
Three-inch measure for biscuits beats Kansas Pie Bill. You know what? I don't think I need the follow-up.

Speaker 2 now that i uh you know what i i i i kissed the bandit too early on this one

Speaker 6 dirty gotta kiss him again on his way out yeah

Speaker 2 um what is it read it again it's very stupid three inch measure for biscuits beats kansas pie bill Okay. Pie bill.
But I do think there should be a three-inch regulation on biscuits.

Speaker 2 I just, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not throwing my hat into that ring. You like a big biscuit?

Speaker 2 Well, look, you die to each their own.

Speaker 2 With palantir, I'm not going to say.

Speaker 2 Topeka, the Oklahoma legislature. I love that it's a story from Topeka about Oklahoma.

Speaker 6 Anyway, we have no news.

Speaker 2 The Oklahoma legislature today appears

Speaker 2 to have, sorry, appears to have gone Kansas one better in the matter of culinary reform.

Speaker 2 Oklahoma wants to regulate the size of biscuits, fixing their width at three inches. It's not.
It's crazy. It's not.

Speaker 2 Fuck you, Oklahoma. Look still.
At some point, you have to stop the size of a biscuit because at some point it's no longer a biscuit. Very.
Don't you pine for the days when this was an American

Speaker 2 issue in this country?

Speaker 6 In the 20s in Oklahoma, they were like bombing black neighborhoods.

Speaker 6 And this is what they were doing. Like the state legislator.
Should we stop this from them from burning down neighborhoods with planes? No.

Speaker 2 We got to regulate biscuits.

Speaker 2 Many houses have to close their windows because of dust. Oh, yeah.
There's dust. There's race riots.
There's

Speaker 2 biscuits. Killers of the Flower Moon was in Oklahoma during this time.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just killing all of the rich Native Americans. A biscuit is a biscuit.

Speaker 2 It's like abortion back then.

Speaker 2 What are we going to do about this size of a biscuit? once it becomes four inches? It's a cake.

Speaker 2 The hell it is, Jackson.

Speaker 2 Biscuits can be whatever. Biscuits can be whatever.
Who the what the hell is this? I'm just saying, I think it could be as big as it wants to be. Shut up, Patty, not now.

Speaker 2 A British person called a cookie and biscuit. And they're like, hold on, that's a good man.
That is very serious. You got people eating back alley biscuits.

Speaker 2 back alley biscuits, 15-inch biscuits. Hey, going into biscuit basement clubs, hey, buddy.
Yeah, come here, man. You want a biscuit? Uh, that's a little big, isn't it?

Speaker 2 I mean, you know, welcome to the back alley. We make them big out here.
Hey, Freeze, are you guys eating big biscuits? No, these are cakes, sir. They better be referred to as such.

Speaker 2 a copy of a bill setting out a reform in the size of biscuits was received here today from Oklahoma City can you imagine receiving that like this is an act of war what are we gonna do Kansas is urged to join in the uplift movement

Speaker 2 The uplift movement.

Speaker 2 I'm out. If the three-inch wide biscuit reform is good for Oklahoma, the sponsors of the bill believe Kansas ought to try it out too.

Speaker 2 You want to have a standard. You want to have a standard.

Speaker 2 That's like when someone gives up drinking, and they're like, you should.

Speaker 2 Well, if you're going to have biscuits crossing state lines,

Speaker 2 you want to have a standard biscuit size. Because if you bring

Speaker 2 a four-inch biscuit from Kansas into Oklahoma, now what is it?

Speaker 2 You know, I don't. It's like that continued to be used.
I know you used a lot of words, but I'm not. No.

Speaker 2 So Senator James W. Finley of Chanute, who recently championed the abolition of mince pie.
Oh, my. Well, by the way.

Speaker 2 By the way.

Speaker 2 By the way,

Speaker 2 I'm listening to this guy a little more than I was before. Go ahead about the mince pie.
They suck. They do suck.
They are the fucking worst.

Speaker 2 My grandma, when I was growing, like in England, my English grandma, you would think that she would like Brewster's millions mince pie every, like you would be like, nobody wants 800 of the like you would just be the pressure for the family, and every time I'd eat it, it was just like an undercooked apple puke.

Speaker 2 That's nice.

Speaker 2 And I'd just be like, yeah, it's really good. Excuse me while I go eat like chocolate.

Speaker 2 She was a great kisser, though. What's your deal? She passed away, asshole.

Speaker 2 it's just not i feel like people more people should say that about other people's grandmothers i think you're way out of line you are way out of line compliment i'm oklahoma you're cancer did she like kiss your cheek

Speaker 2 fuck off

Speaker 2 and was it you leave joan no mike no

Speaker 2 kiss when she did it though

Speaker 2 Mike, you're better. You do not.
She's asking a genuine question. You do not go to Dave's level.
You don't want this. I think you do.
I think we all do. No, shut up.

Speaker 6 So when she kissed you,

Speaker 6 it wasn't good when she kissed you. It was as bad as the next pie.

Speaker 2 She kissed me a lot better. I mean, when we kissed, it was...
Shut up. It was tongue.
So I doubt he. You're not allowed to do grandma stuff.
That's not a lot. Mom stuff is the borderline.

Speaker 2 Can't go grandma. Leave Nan alone.
Grandma's next level.

Speaker 2 Grandma's real weird. Who recently championed the abolition of mince pie? I kissed your son.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, I think you just admitted to a crime.
Yeah, I think I did.

Speaker 2 I was just

Speaker 2 talking about consenting adult stuff.

Speaker 2 When he's 18, I'm going to bang your boy.

Speaker 2 Got him. That's

Speaker 2 eventually. He's going to condom.

Speaker 2 Got him. No.
He's a top.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 2 What do I care? Well, as long as we're doing it.

Speaker 2 What do I care? As long as I'm involved.

Speaker 2 The abolition of mince pie has been asked.

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 2 So Senator James W. Finley of Ashinoot, who recently championed the abolition of mince pie, has been asked to study the Oklahoma biscuit reform bill and make a report.

Speaker 2 So wait, so they're like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 You dealt with this pie shit. You got opinions about this.

Speaker 6 Like, this is what his field was.

Speaker 2 Say that again, Mike. We lost you.
Say that again. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 6 He championed the abolition of the mince pie. So they were like, this falls on your desk, sir.
This is like your

Speaker 2 area of expertise. You're the pastry psycho.
You know about foods. Also, he was probably like, we need to abolish.
And everyone was like, finally. And he's like, mint's pie.

Speaker 2 Christ, asshole.

Speaker 6 He has no teeth from cavities. That's why he hates it.
That's his organ stuff.

Speaker 2 And chocolate's next.

Speaker 2 No plight is bigger.

Speaker 2 He was probably a big boy, I bet. I bet he.

Speaker 2 Well, that guy, that guy handles food stuff.

Speaker 6 He's missing a foot or two.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A biscuit ends at three inches. Now, someone roll me over to that area.

Speaker 2 Okay, so

Speaker 2 this is a couple weeks later in the New York Times. What is a biscuit, legislators ask? Oh, the fucking New York Times.

Speaker 2 Having disposed of minor problems of state, the Oklahoma legislature comes to the momentous question, what is a biscuit?

Speaker 2 One legislator, which is a conversation we just had. Yeah, it was a nightmare.
One legislator believes the biscuits are biscuits only when they measure at least three inches in diet. Fucking abortion.

Speaker 2 At least. We're dealing with like, when is a baby a baby? He's saying that it can't be smaller than three inches, this guy.
He's saying a biscuit has to be over three inches. Also wrong.

Speaker 2 And has an introduced bill to that effect. This causes Kansas to chuckle.
And of course, like, who was not going to laugh at that?

Speaker 2 A few years ago, Kansas started this kind of legislation by requiring that hotels and rooming houses. bed sheets be not less than nine feet.

Speaker 2 This law was a target for ridicule, but it stands and has been copied in other states. That I get.
That I get too.

Speaker 2 You can't short sheet, motherfuckers. If you're if you're paying for a room, I want a full sheet.
Five towels enjoy.

Speaker 2 You're not a hotel.

Speaker 2 Okay, so

Speaker 6 that logic is like, okay, somebody ordered a biscuit and they were given like a tiny biscuit, and then they were like, this ain't no biscuit.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, now I'm on favor.

Speaker 2 I am as well, and now I'm picturing the big, obese senator making the point so much better.

Speaker 2 That is not a biscuit. That's a potato chip.

Speaker 2 That's a roll.

Speaker 2 The sheet law was a target for ridicule, but it still stands and has been copied in other states. A noted Middle Western man.

Speaker 2 Should we go back to that? Should we go back? Should we bring it back? Middle Western? Like how Tolkien would describe Wisconsin.

Speaker 2 Middle Western. A noted Middle Western man was once asked at dinner if he would have another biscuit.

Speaker 2 He glanced scornfully at the diminutive tea biscuits and said, quote, yes, I believe I will have another half dozen of these.

Speaker 2 That's such a Midwest thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It is such

Speaker 2 alleged biscuits. It is such alleged biscuits that the the Oklahoma

Speaker 2 legislature would compel to take another name. The Oklahoma legislature legislature.
God, I can't read today.

Speaker 2 The Oklahoma legislators recalled that they had grandmothers who made real biscuits and they longed to preserve for their children's children an old and honorable institution, and they were good kissers.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 They called kisskits.

Speaker 2 Little cheek biscuit. Give them a kissket.

Speaker 2 You know, okay, I'm going to be honest with you.

Speaker 2 I'm starting to get it a little bit. I think if you go to a restaurant, you want to be able to go within reason that you're ordering something with some consistency.

Speaker 2 This is, this is, this all leads to a super big gulp. Yeah.
Well, eventually, yeah. Yeah.
It leads to Mike, um, with Mike Bloomberg being like, now

Speaker 2 you can have two big sodas, but not one huge. Cool, Mike.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 I can't do that.

Speaker 6 Middle Western fatty kind of did like a, that's not a knife, this is a knife, like to the biscuit.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm with it. Yes.
I'm in favor.

Speaker 6 Don't little biscuit my Middle Westerns.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. I think that is, that's pretty much, but I do, I have a, I have a better understanding now.

Speaker 2 Again, I do pine for the era where like senators were like, this is huge. This all leads us to, I'm going to sound like, this all leads to Trump.

Speaker 2 This is why we got Trump.

Speaker 2 I think that there should be more fights over the size of food.

Speaker 2 I think, I do believe we're having that fight to the death right now with snaps. I guess they are to the death.

Speaker 7 Imagine this: your house burns down, or your partner passes away, and you call your insurance company, and the claim gets denied. No payout, no safety net, just loss.

Speaker 7 It sounds extreme, but it happens every day. Insurance policies are full of exclusions that leave people vulnerable.
That's why My Policy Advocate exists.

Speaker 7 They review your coverage, uncover gaps, and explain everything in plain English. They don't sell insurance, they help you understand what you already have.

Speaker 7 Visit mypolicyadvocate.com and protect what matters most.

Speaker 2 This is Larry Flick, owner of the floor store. You know that thing that snuck up on you last year called the holidays? Well, they're coming again.

Speaker 2 But it's okay because our pre-holiday sale is already here. Now through November 17th, everything in the store is 30% off.
Carpet, hardwood, laminate, waterproof flooring, I mean everything.

Speaker 2 An installation before the holidays is guaranteed. It's our biggest sale of the season, but it ends Monday.
Go to floorstores.com to find the nearest of our 11 showrooms from Santa Rosa to San Jose.

Speaker 2 The The Floorstroard, your area flooring authority.

Speaker 4 In the heat of battle, your squad relies on you. Don't let them down.
Unlock Elite Gaming Tech at Lenovo.com.

Speaker 4 Dominate every match with next-level speed, seamless streaming, and performance that won't quit. Push your gameplay beyond performance with Intel Core Ultra Processors for the next era of gaming.

Speaker 4 Upgrade to smooth, high-quality streaming with Intel Wi-Fi 6E and maximize game performance with enhanced overclocking. Win the tech search.
Power up at lenovo.com.

Speaker 2 Lenovo, Lenovo.

Speaker 2 Our diets today are dominated by ultra-processed foods packed with sugar, low in fiber, and cause issues like diabetes and high blood pressure.

Speaker 2 What if you could transform that processed food into real food that nourishes your body? That's what Munch Munch does.

Speaker 2 It absorbs excess carbs and sugars from the food you eat, blocking them from your body so you can enjoy your favorite meals with fewer calories, more stable blood sugar, and better gut health.

Speaker 2 It's like turning apple juice back into apples. Visit MunchMunch.shop today and start transforming your food into fuel.

Speaker 2 Monkey proves smarter than German scientist.

Speaker 2 Fucking take that, Germany. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I really, we should, we could blame this monkey for two world wars. Yep.

Speaker 2 This is out of London one.

Speaker 2 British scientists are chuckling over a Berlin monkey intelligence test where the monkey demonstrated greater intelligence than its human instructor. Okay.

Speaker 2 That seems like it backfired. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The German inserted a banana in a tube. I've done that.
In the presence of a monkey. Well, that's just asking for trouble.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then poked it out of the tube with a stick.

Speaker 2 He repeated. This isn't, this is not science.
This is just a guy having fun with a monkey. By the way, we're debating biscuit size.
Fucking Germany's doing way better stuff.

Speaker 2 This is 100% what I'm doing with my monkey. Like, this is the kind of games we get up to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Banana tubing.
Banana tube. Without question.

Speaker 2 By the way, if you had a monkey and you had a tube, you'd be like, I'm going to fucking figure out a game with this one guy.

Speaker 2 Hey, buddy, you want to get it out of the tube? You'd be like, I'm trying to get it out of the tube. He'd be like, it's pretty cool, huh?

Speaker 2 Get it out of that tube, dude.

Speaker 6 If you have a monkey, a tube, and a stick, you're going to come up with games to play.

Speaker 2 Berlin MacGyver.

Speaker 2 He repeated this operation 20 or 30 times, and the monkey all the while watching the operation gently. How fucked up is this banana after 30 times? Yeah, he has a fucked up monkey.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no doubt. Or you're just horribly wasting bananas.

Speaker 2 I mean, like, if you got a monkey, you got a banana budget. But if you're putting, if you're putting a banana into a tube and then pushing it out,

Speaker 2 what are you doing with it after? Are you just taking it again and doing it again?

Speaker 2 Is it squishing in? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I wonder if it's peeled or not. It's got to be peeled.
I feel like it would be. Oh.

Speaker 2 Maybe.

Speaker 2 So a big-ass tube, and then it's a full banana in its. It's called a sheath, right? Yes,

Speaker 2 it's a banana sheath. Yeah, it's bananas still sheathed.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, that would make a little more sense than a.

Speaker 2 Either way, can we just be happy for this guy to have a monkey? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The monkey all the while watching the operation intently.

Speaker 2 Finally, the German left the tube with the banana inside of it and the stick alongside and retired from the room to watch the monkey's action through a peephole.

Speaker 2 This dude is fucking

Speaker 2 honestly. This is what I'm doing.
He's not doing great. This is what I'm doing, my monkey, for sure.
Like, I get this. I mean, this is a science.

Speaker 6 If you have a peephole and a monkey, you gotta look through the peephole at the monkey. Yeah, like, I get it.
It all makes sense.

Speaker 2 Which comes first? The monkey banana tube or the peephole? I'm not getting a monkey until I have a peephole. Well, you know that, like, in his head, he was like, but if I had the peephole,

Speaker 2 then he was like, well, shit, now we're on a slippery slope. Like, I am am a scientist to stop me from

Speaker 2 yeah now it's like maybe I'll teach it to identify blue eyes

Speaker 2 the sky's the limit of this one

Speaker 6 maybe it'll know which one should not have babies you know

Speaker 2 which uh which one of these is a biscuit and which one is a roll

Speaker 2 that's right

Speaker 2 Directly the coast was clear,

Speaker 2 what? Yeah. Directly the coast was clear, the monkey picked up the tube, inserted it upside down, and gave it one vigorous shake.

Speaker 2 The banana tumbled out immediately, and the monkey calmly proceeded to peel it and eat it with evident satisfaction.

Speaker 2 She's not peeled. Yeah.

Speaker 2 His operation had been simpler and quicker than the scientists. Okay, so he was like, look, you push it through with a stick.

Speaker 2 And the monkey's like, why don't I just turn it sideways and have it drop out, idiot? And then a reporter was like, this can't go unwritten about.

Speaker 6 Wait, so this is 1927 Germany. That means that there's like 25% unemployment right now in Germany.

Speaker 2 And this guy's

Speaker 6 pushing bananas through tubes.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is a story that gets in the paper. Like, what the fuck are we doing?

Speaker 2 But again, I mean, the Germans are on the precipice of really...

Speaker 2 They're going to put some stuff together. They don't take this well.
I guarantee you this guy was working on like poison gases in 10 years. Yeah, he's got the monkey to figure out how to kill people.

Speaker 2 Can you do something, anything else?

Speaker 6 And he's like, I could do gases.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, I have a peephole

Speaker 2 and some tubes.

Speaker 2 Burglar bites victims and dives out window.

Speaker 2 So, okay, we have bandits getting kissed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and now burglars are... Okay.
What else are you going to do? You're in there. There's someone not.
So someone unbitten. What are you going to do? I like a biting burglar.
This is awesome.

Speaker 2 Leaving teeth marks.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
This is insane. That's a good question.

Speaker 2 It's upsetting.

Speaker 2 I'm not happy about this at all. You know, when you'll like, you'll be on like YouTube, like watching something, and then you'll be like, actually, I want to watch this instead.

Speaker 2 That's this with the paper. Be like,

Speaker 2 what the fuck? This burglar is biting people.

Speaker 2 Biscuits? That ain't a biscuit. Leaving teeth marks on the arms of his intended victims as the only clue to his identity.

Speaker 2 A burglar last night escaped from a room with 1000 oh at 1001 east 12th street by plunging headfirst through a window well he's not i mean you gotta go yeah i don't know if you're like i got notes i don't know yeah i mean this guy you could door it but if you're gonna win to it do it headfirst kick it kick it then do it

Speaker 2 one one foot out it's a window you go through headfirst you go hard okay

Speaker 2 Harry Diamond and Floyd Welborn, occupants of the room. Yep, that's right.

Speaker 6 The best name.

Speaker 2 A lot of people talk about the Hope Diamond, but have you heard of the Harry Diamond?

Speaker 2 It's a bunch of cubes on a rock. Nobody wants that one.
How are you? That's a man. How are you? Hey, Harry Diamond.
How are you? You guys like diamonds? Yeah. I'm worth a lot.

Speaker 2 You know how hard diamonds are supposed to be.

Speaker 2 Here you go. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Harry Diamond and Floyd Wellborn. Floyd Diamond.
Wellborne. Occupants of the room were aroused from sleep by the entrance.
I love aroused from sleep.

Speaker 2 I woke up jacking off again.

Speaker 2 By the entrance of the burglar through a transom.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's where you put

Speaker 2 someone you're holding ransom in a trance. What is a transom? A transom.

Speaker 2 Now we've got to look it up because these are old-timey words that, you know, people don't really understand anymore because they're stupid. We stop using words when they become dumb.
Right?

Speaker 2 I'm not really listening to you.

Speaker 2 I can tell Mike isn't either.

Speaker 2 I'm back.

Speaker 2 I'm back.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 Transom is a horizontal beam or window above a door or other opening in architecture. Okay, so it's that little window above doors.

Speaker 6 You got to dive through it.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's the diving part of the door, if anything.

Speaker 2 I mean, they left it open, right? Probably because it was hot or something. Sure.
But who decides to go through that little fucking slot?

Speaker 2 Someone who's very capable gymnast. Skinny little bitch.
Yeah, he's like the guy in Ocean's 11. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dive sideways.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
When they. I mean, I'd be like, let him go.
I mean, that guy. What the fuck just happened? That was like a spirit leaving a room.
I love your tricks. He

Speaker 2 does anybody have any clues?

Speaker 2 He bit me? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Got his teeth, but then he sort of flew. Like the breeze took him out.
We got to look through

Speaker 6 records of everybody.

Speaker 2 I believe he was a gas with teeth.

Speaker 2 That's kind of what I am sometimes.

Speaker 2 That, having just gone on tour with you, absolutely true. When they grappled with the intruder, he snapped at both of them, biting them on their arms, and escaped empty-handed.

Speaker 2 The injuries were treated at general hospital. So he just

Speaker 2 bit people twice for nothing. Hey, fucking, it all worked.
I mean, he didn't get his. I don't think it did.
Well, that's a big problem. He has a fantastic entry and escape plan.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but the whole point was to get stuff. Yeah, but still, if you're not caught, it's a successful burglary.
Don't agree.

Speaker 6 That is a good question. Is it successful if you get away with nothing?

Speaker 2 I think we believe the answer is very clear. What if it's about the rush? Then it's a, then you're,

Speaker 2 then it's weird. What you're doing is weird.

Speaker 2 You're just there to get it. You're just going into a bank with a mask and a gun.
Oh my God. Put it in a bag? No.

Speaker 2 I'm fine. No.
Don't worry about it. He's a little scared, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's freaking out, huh?

Speaker 2 I don't know where his his daddy is.

Speaker 2 I'm independently wealthy. I'm going to think about this.
It's Tom Cruise. This is all I can do anymore.

Speaker 6 That old guy in the Jinx would rob grocery stores.

Speaker 6 And he had a lot of money. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I never saw the Jinx.
Dole buddy. Is it about Jinx?

Speaker 6 It's an old rich guy who murders.

Speaker 2 It's a documentary, right? Yes. Yeah.
And he would rob.

Speaker 6 He'd pickpocket grocery stores, even though he was like a multi-millionaire.

Speaker 2 Yeah. He's like one owner rider.
Yes. Fucking rock in there.

Speaker 2 Steal. So he also really was into dating rock stars.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And was in Stranger Things.
Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he's great at it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Railroad fireman's wife sent to jail for beating mate.

Speaker 2 Hmm. Is out of Oakland.
Because she beat up her husband, and beat up is in quotation marks. Because she beat up her husband, a railroad fireman, Miss Ethel Hatchin, must serve 30 days in jail.

Speaker 2 Raymond Patchin, the husband, was beaten by Miss Patchin, who weighs 155 pounds. They're really

Speaker 2 all kinds of shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is like someone. Yeah.

Speaker 2 When he objected to another man paying attention to her, Patchin suffered black eyes, bruises, and the loss of several teeth. He told the court.

Speaker 2 She does. Why does that freak you out? Because we hear a lot of shit.
That really rocks. Because

Speaker 2 do you know the beating you have to inflict on someone for teeth to come out? Like, it's not a punch. It's like the guy's on the ground and you're repeatedly fucking throwing blows at him.

Speaker 2 Like, it's a beating. That's interesting.

Speaker 2 There's bites. No, no, no.
There's been bites. There's been gunshots.
Kisses.

Speaker 2 I've been around you and we've talked about brutal murders. This teeth thing got you.
Well, I just can't believe that a beat.

Speaker 2 It could have been British.

Speaker 2 And then you just need to shake them a little bit. Scottish would make more sense.
Hey, no, no. Gosh, they're all gone.

Speaker 2 Careful. It's like moving a piano.

Speaker 2 Mike, has your wife ever beaten you until teeth come out?

Speaker 6 Never.

Speaker 6 She also doesn't weigh 155, but you know.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 The almost dollop will be right back.

Speaker 2 Thieving wife gets six months. Yeah, it'll teach you.
Miss Florence Kuntz, convicted of stealing husband's.

Speaker 2 Careful, easy does it now. Let's call her Mrs.
Seward.

Speaker 2 Convicted of stealing husband's clothes. Six months for stealing her husband's clothes.
Well, did she take all of them? Well, this is also when if he wore pants, they were like, way to go.

Speaker 2 The war on men continues.

Speaker 2 Miss Florence Kuntz guilty found guilty.

Speaker 2 It says several days ago, but I bet that's supposed to mean several. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Several days ago for stealing her husband's clothing, motor car, and diamond ring today. Okay, well, they left that clothes part out.

Speaker 2 Stole car and ring.

Speaker 2 Like, how do you not like six pairs of socks missing?

Speaker 2 Also, a car and a mansion.

Speaker 2 And Diamond Ring was today sentenced to six months in jail by Judge Hutchings of the Wyandotte County District Court. Miss Kuntz said she would appeal the sentence.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Miss Kuntz, you go to jail. It's Kuntz.
Mrs. Kuntz, you just take a man's

Speaker 2 pants. Please.
You take a man's pants

Speaker 2 and expect him to... You're going to the slammer, lady.

Speaker 2 You're going to be saying cunts where the sun goes. Lord, Shang.
Hey,

Speaker 2 are we talking?

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 just for the pants?

Speaker 2 Yeah. This pants related.
Diamonds are a very ubiquitous item. And the car, anyone could get a car.
But this cunt took his pants. No, it's Kuntz.
Yeah, all right. Six months.
Where's the hammer?

Speaker 6 Will you spell her name for me?

Speaker 2 Slowly.

Speaker 2 K-O-O-N-T-Z.

Speaker 2 Yep, that's the exact swear word. And what happens when she falls in a pool? It's C-U-N-T-Z.
Is that.

Speaker 2 Did I get this?

Speaker 2 I think we've really clicked into something for me. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Anyone else getting those turkey dun nipples?

Speaker 2 I'm a fucking freezer. I made a couple diamonds on my chest.
Nope.

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 2 Can you never say turkey done nipples again? Sure. Thank you.
And the lock. I will.
That is a promise.

Speaker 2 you got it buddy

Speaker 2 youth makes poison but suicide fails what a loser youth makes poison jesus can you imagine making your own poison and then drinking enough to not die

Speaker 2 i got diarrhea yeah yeah

Speaker 2 this is at budapest so we're really we're really stretching for news at this point wow

Speaker 2 drinking a mixture of tobacco and heads of matches soaked

Speaker 2 boiled in water He's like, there's one that boiled in water.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is that? I don't know. We don't have internet.

Speaker 2 How do you make poison? I don't know. Where does it come from? Tobacco, I think?

Speaker 2 Fire kills you.

Speaker 2 Make fire.

Speaker 2 Boiling it.

Speaker 2 That was the method of suicide tried without success by Ermi Repas. a baker's apprentice in this city.

Speaker 2 Imagine if he's a baker's apprentice, you come home and your son's cooking that. You're like, he is not listening to the baker.
That smells like shit.

Speaker 2 What do you think?

Speaker 2 Mind if I have a bite, hon?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's just really. I mean, what is he teaching him? And he fucking had matches floating and whatever it's soup he's making in there.

Speaker 2 Repus was found wandering about the streets in a dazed condition.

Speaker 2 When he had recovered from his stupor, he explained that he became tired of living, but did not have enough money to buy poison, so he concocted his own.

Speaker 2 This is the saddest story I've heard in a while. It's not great.
Admitting to it is strange. Like, I would just be like, well, I won't tell anyone about my wrong poison.

Speaker 2 Now you're in the paper.

Speaker 2 It is funny.

Speaker 6 Like, he admitted to it. Like, this is a cry for help, really, because he's, you know.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is. That's.

Speaker 2 This seems like he knew it wasn't going to kill him, but that people would feel bad for him. He might not have even made it.

Speaker 2 He might have just been like, by the way, yesterday I tried to make a poison.

Speaker 2 This is a terrible way to ask for money, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Or maybe some lady read it. She was like, oh, he sounds sweet.

Speaker 2 Or maybe there was like a note and it was just like, I know you're probably wondering, how did I know to make the perfect poison?

Speaker 2 And then they

Speaker 2 do anything. He's like, no, but I've been shitting my pain.
I've really been shitting all day. I made a diarrhea concoction.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So the good news is I finally invented a way to get diarrhea quick.

Speaker 2 Macon Resident. The guy who came up with laxatives, when he discovered that, was probably like, nobody's going to want to do that.
Yeah, what the fuck have I done? What am I getting?

Speaker 2 Nobody's going to need this.

Speaker 2 Macon Resident. I made shit and juice.

Speaker 2 Cholera? Yeah. I got some shit and juice.
Macon Resident marries for third time at 93. Again, this is not a story.
No.

Speaker 2 Macon, Missouri. A marriage license was issued.
Is M.O.? M.O.'s Missouri, right? M.O.'s Missouri.

Speaker 2 A marriage license was issued today to P.A.

Speaker 2 Could be Montana. It could be Montana.
That's the nice thing. I think Missouri's.
Yeah, Mississippi would be MI. I think it's Missouri.
Mississippi's M.I. So, yeah, Missouri's M.O.

Speaker 2 What's happening right now, Mike, from our experience, is someone's in Reddit talking about how dumb we are. How dumb we are right now.
Someone just posted in Reddit.

Speaker 2 Because oddly enough, we don't know everything. It's very weird.
I don't know how we got like this. Martana's M.O., you idiot.

Speaker 2 You fucking moron. The fuck.
This is why I don't fucking listen to these fucking idiots.

Speaker 2 This whole podcast was two idiots doing a front for a helix ad. I don't even know what MO is.
It's Mo.

Speaker 2 Anyway, Missouri. A marriage license was issued today to P.A.
Gibson, 93 years old, and Miss Mary A. Hale.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Fuck you for not putting her age in here. Yeah, I agree.
Right? 15. What's her address of bra size? 15.
Yeah. Oh, what a creepy, happy couple.

Speaker 2 Miss Gibson, Mr. Gibson, is...
Boy, they're a real weird couple. He's a grown man, and she's not at all an adult.
That was like back then. Wow.

Speaker 2 Everyone's talking about this summer-autumn couple.

Speaker 2 Mr. Gibson is the oldest male resident of the county.
His father, Robert Gibson, used, whoa, lived to be 119 years old. What the fuck? That's crazy.
Jesus.

Speaker 2 They had to have been like skipping a year or something.

Speaker 2 They were like asking him. He was like 73 with horrible dementia.
I'm 119.

Speaker 2 My God.

Speaker 2 Miss Hale is the mother of C.F. Hale, an attorney of Brevere.

Speaker 2 She has been a housekeeper for Mr. Gibson.
Mr. Gibson's second wife died about a year ago.
Nice. So she's smart.
She's moving in. She's going to get the inheritance.
Yeah, she's cold smithing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's very, yeah, Yeah, good call. She's

Speaker 2 great. She's moving up.
Good for her.

Speaker 6 At first, I thought the story was going to be that it was a scandal. He was married three times, but they're mostly just like, this guy's fucking old.
Why won't he just die? That's the story.

Speaker 6 Because he's 93.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
The story should be, why isn't this guy dying? Continuing to get married.

Speaker 2 Just dying. Fucking weird.

Speaker 2 14-year-old farm boy seeks right to wed divorcee. This here we go.
This I like. This is something

Speaker 2 it is not good, but it's a boy. I'm like, this kid.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Remember the lady in, like, yeah, I want to say it's, I want to say Washington State.

Speaker 2 And she had an affair with her students, yeah. And they had two kids, and she went to jail.
And when they got out, they still stayed together. Well, now they're divorced.
They are divorced. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I really thought that would work out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Laterno? Mary Kay Laterno, I believe. Laterna.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 That's crazy.

Speaker 2 That's really sad to hear they didn't make it. No.
Because it's weird.

Speaker 2 When you date a boy

Speaker 2 and then, you know, they start to change when they hit like 20. Well, it's also like she got out of jail.

Speaker 2 Like, he must, you know what it's like when you're like in a relationship where you're like, this is not good. Like she was at jail and he was like, I can't do it now.

Speaker 2 Like his life was just like, well, now I can't do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Now she's out.
Well, she's pregnant. Now he was like 30.
He was like, you know, honestly, this has fucking been bad.

Speaker 2 I was like 13.

Speaker 2 I didn't know what was coming out of my penis. Look him back.
You raped me. And so I just feel odd about this.
Yeah. But every dude, I was like his age when that happened.
And I was like, awesome.

Speaker 2 100%. I mean, when you're a kid, when you're a kid, you hear those stories.
You're like, yeah, the teacher. I got some fantasies about teachers.
And then now they really are banging the kids.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's really taking on. Now they're really banging the kids.

Speaker 2 Every time that happens, every time it happens to like a boy, like a 15-year-old, I just literally have to like bite my tongue.

Speaker 2 I'm just like, look, I'm not saying it's right at all, but I'm telling you, me at 15, this would have been, you know, penis Christmas. Yeah,

Speaker 2 no one was mad at

Speaker 2 your ass.

Speaker 2 Now it's like, like, you know, it's like... People were you had to be like, for sure, it's disgusting.
But honestly, you know, he was probably pretty happy.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I can't even tell you the level of hormones that are going on in your body. 15-year-old boys is all they're thinking about.

Speaker 2 Again, we shouldn't be talking about it. I know, no, it's totally

Speaker 2 sensitive to people. That's so wrong.
We're literally saying, if we were 15-year-old boys,

Speaker 2 did a teacher won't have sex? I was just saying, if I was 15 and my teacher banged me, I would be like,

Speaker 2 I would like literally be in the police station, leave her alone.

Speaker 2 But yeah, what we're saying is she shouldn't do it. But we are saying 15-year-old boys want to have sex.
Yes, that's exactly the nuance. Yes.

Speaker 2 It's wrong to do it, but I've seen some of these teachers and I just think me at 15, sweet mother of God, this

Speaker 2 damaged woman. You know what else? Here's what's great now.
They're fucking arresting them. So it's like, not only are you banging your teacher, then you're like, fucking, she's gone.

Speaker 2 And everyone's like, feels bad for me. This is awesome.

Speaker 2 The thing that's crazy to me is like when the woman has like a husband and kids,

Speaker 2 and you're just like, what are you doing? Oh, yeah. She's crazy.
How did you think this would go? Oh, being the husband, you're like, wait, what happened?

Speaker 2 Wait, what?

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 2 It's really. Yeah, you'd have you.
If you're the husband, you're like, I guess I'm moving across the country. Dude, I would just be.
Well, I would certainly be homeschooling.

Speaker 2 You're not going there. It's a problem.

Speaker 6 I'd start making tobacco and matches juice to try to get out of the situation.

Speaker 2 She's dead as diarrhea again.

Speaker 2 Give me more matches.

Speaker 2 Okay, prospective bride is 27 and Maine village dads block match.

Speaker 2 This is out of Maine, obviously. Their matrimonial plans

Speaker 2 blocked by town officials, a 14-year-old farmhand and

Speaker 2 27-year-old. When you know, you know.
27-year-old divorcee

Speaker 2 expect to start legal action here with a view of wedlock.

Speaker 2 We're in love with each other. So

Speaker 2 this does happen usually with women. I've been single for a long time.
It usually doesn't happen with

Speaker 2 an older teacher or older woman, like 45, 50. It's usually a 20-year-old.

Speaker 2 Well, sure. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Letty Foster, town clerk, refused to issue a marriage license to Willie.

Speaker 2 Tried to legally get it done. All right.
And will you just sign off on this, please, whenever you're ready? This is my husband and I. How are you, ma'am? Can I see your

Speaker 2 pubes? Do you have pubes? I do not have pubes.

Speaker 2 We can't do this. We can't do this.
This is insane. We can't allow this.
When I yank on it, nothing comes out, but I feel it.

Speaker 2 I'm not there. Stuff has to come out.
Just sign right there so me and my wife can get out of here. My God, you're a child.
Yeah, you have anything to step on? Eye contact would probably help.

Speaker 2 Letty Foster, town clerk, refused to issue a marriage license to Willie Buzzell, husky farm worker. Husky farm.

Speaker 2 Toss his body under the bus.

Speaker 2 What a description. Oh my God.
He's 14. The husky child.

Speaker 2 This poor guy,

Speaker 2 I mean, reading this in the paper, you're like, well, dude, fucking what?

Speaker 2 A minute ago, you're like, the kids, like, you know, and now you're getting me called a husky farm worker. It does hurt.
It's not good.

Speaker 2 And the woman of his choice, Miss Thelma. Tibbets, mother of a five-year-old child.
Oh, my God. That's fucking astonished.
Nine years older. That's fucking awesome.
This is my nine-year-older stepdad.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll play with the train if you don't want to.

Speaker 2 Kanan Sleckman affirmed the ruling. Willie's parents, Mr.
and Mrs. Leslie, I can't, Lyle,

Speaker 2 no, Leslie Buzzle, have approved their young son's marriage plans. But even that, the Seleckman said, would not cause them to reverse their decision.
So the parents were okay with it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 those might be the bigger villains. They don't want to feed him anymore.
They're not good. Yeah.
They're like, go ahead, boy.

Speaker 2 I don't know. What do you do?

Speaker 2 How does he fuck keeps eating? I don't know what I do. So Finn, Finn's 14 and

Speaker 2 he's with a 20. What the fuck do you do? Because.
What do you do? You're like, absolutely not. Yeah, but like, how do you, how do you do? Absolutely not.
Lock him in the house?

Speaker 2 Like, it's hard to keep people apart if they want to. I think you lock him in the house.
Okay. I genuinely think you're.
I literally, I would think I would be like, we got to move.

Speaker 2 Like, that's all I could think of. It's like, get the fuck out of there.
Yeah, but then you can't. You send him to school every day.
You'd be like,

Speaker 2 maybe I kill her. Okay.
Well,

Speaker 2 we'll be right back. Thank you.

Speaker 2 We do not believe the marriage of proper one.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 sorry. We do not believe the marriage a proper one.
And we believe that we. Sorry, he like cut off part of this.
Preston, you're in so much trouble.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know. I can't read it.
Are Are you justified in holding up the marriage of this boy to this woman? Declared Horace Bean Chan.

Speaker 2 And do you, woman, take this tiny boy

Speaker 2 to be your little husband? Yes.

Speaker 2 I love him. He's so small.
I'm ready.

Speaker 2 It is no.

Speaker 2 I need a grounding force.

Speaker 2 It is no reflection. I'm fucking everything.
Jesus Christ, shut up. You're anything with a heartbeat and a hole.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm telling you. How did you get to be such a little creepy lech at 14? I'm big.

Speaker 2 You're husky. I'm husky.
People are calling you husky. I'm built like a linebacker.

Speaker 2 It is no reflection on anyone that we have done this, but it was held up and refused on account of young Willie Buzzle's age. It's fucking

Speaker 2 crazy. The selectmen said they expected to succeed in delaying the marriage until a bill now before the Maine legislature is passed.

Speaker 2 This bill would prohibit the marriage of anyone under 14 years of age without consent.

Speaker 2 So it's legal right now. This is a legal.
Also, if you're going to make a law, you could go higher than 14. That's it.
You got to be over 14 to get married. Okay.

Speaker 2 So just

Speaker 2 to the rest of

Speaker 2 my fellow legislators, I would just like to say that when

Speaker 2 they hit 16, they are just wonderful.

Speaker 2 If we're going to pass pass this law, let's slip in my biscuit legislation.

Speaker 2 Because I tell you what,

Speaker 2 this goddamn waitress, she brought over what looked like raw dough. Okay.
I said, that's not a biscuit. And she said, what are you going to do? Pass a law? And I said, yes.

Speaker 2 And that was four years ago, and my life is fading. Okay, I will agree.
When is a boy a man? When is a biscuit a biscuit? Yes, thank you, sir.

Speaker 2 And I think that we are seeing things eye to eye, and we should pass these two bills.

Speaker 2 I tell you, 16 is the right age. I'll rule on it for you both.
Guilty of that. Welcome to Creepy Legislature.
He's got a gun.

Speaker 2 Everyone down.

Speaker 2 Oh, it says she first met Willie when she went to his parents' home to work.

Speaker 2 God damn. I mean, he was probably like...
I can't believe she's about to fuck me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they must have been having a fun time before this whole marriage thing came up. Well, that's it, Mike.
You're out. You did it.
Thank you.

Speaker 6 Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2 Can you believe it? I had a good time.

Speaker 2 Your book sounds very good, and it does sound like something dollop fans would be. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 So I'm actually thinking I should get it. Maybe do a dollop on.
Oh, that's fucking great. Right? Yes.
Do that, and we can have Mike on. Yeah.
I would love to.

Speaker 2 Should people just put it in the search engine, Mike? Is that the best way to do it?

Speaker 6 Yeah, Kansas City Comedy in the search engine. Mike Briden sends my name if you can't find it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, Mike, it's been a goddamn honor and a pleasure. I just

Speaker 2 can't tell you how good the book sounds. So people should just go get it.
We'll put this out soon.

Speaker 2 And yeah, we'll do a fucking dollop on it. Or you know what? Mike could do the dollop on it for us.

Speaker 2 We could do a flippy. I don't know.
You can read it to us. Could do like a special pastimes you do.
We could do that in the studio at ATC, maybe. Yeah, okay.
Cool.

Speaker 2 If you want to. If not, if you want to keep the magic preserved.

Speaker 2 Whatever you guys want, I'm happy to do it.

Speaker 2 I think we're trying to help you, Mike. So don't do the thing where you're like, I'm doing you a favor.

Speaker 2 We're doing you the favor, buddy. I got to make a thing.
We're doing you the favor. It got to sound like your idea.

Speaker 2 I get it. I love that.
All right, Mike. Thank you very much, man.
Appreciate it.

Speaker 2 What's up, doll heads? Just a reminder, always throw those doll heads on stage. We love them.
Hey, Gareth Reynolds here.

Speaker 2 I will be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th through November 8th. I will be at the Omaha Funnybone the 28th and 29th of November.

Speaker 2 And I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia on December 2nd, Seattle, December 3rd, and Eugene, December 4th. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Speaker 5 If you've noticed your energy, focus, or gut health isn't what it used to be, IM8's Daily Ultimate Essentials can help you feel your best again.

Speaker 5 This great tasting, all-in-one wellness drink combines the benefits of 16 supplements in one scoop and is clinically proven to support energy, digestion, and overall wellness.

Speaker 5 Co-founded by David Beckham and developed with experts from Mayo Clinic, Cedar Sinai, and a former NASA chief scientist, it's vegan, gluten-free, and NSF-certified for purity.

Speaker 5 Visit imatehealth.com/slash iHeart and use code iHeart for 10% off. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

Speaker 5 This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.