BONUS: Educating Ricky (Compilation)

Well I've got a few different topics.

Go on.

Do you know like how you taught me about Hitler and Shea Guevara and Winston Churchill?

I'm going to come in with topics every week and this week I've got

ghosts.

No, Hanging Bacon is one of the topics.

Say that again?

Hanging Bacon.

Hanging Bacon.

Francis Bacon.

No, all the titles are sort of named to sort of make sort of tease you and get you more interested in it.

Hanging Bacon.

Well, you've certainly intrigued.

Go on.

What's another title, Bonn?

Hairy Chinese Kid.

I'm going for that one.

If there was a university degree with that title.

Yeah, no, I'm going to go for Hairy Chinese Kid.

And the final one.

Yeah.

Alien Gives Man a Beard.

Right.

I'm gonna be a man.

Alien gives man a beard.

I am gonna first.

Right, listen, Carl, you've gotta tell me, right, first, right, let's do it.

No, we're not gonna do it now, anyway.

What do you mean, we've got to do it now?

I mean, that's this is the first interesting thing you've said in an hour, okay?

The listeners have just been subjected to rubbish and

mistakes and everything for the last six months.

Please, we've got to do Alien Gives Man a Beard.

What is that?

Tell us that.

Right.

Sorry, this is just you telling me something, is it?

This feature is you telling me something.

I'm teaching you something.

Educating Ricky.

So are we playing it now?

We're already into this feature.

Well into this feature, are we?

Yeah, I suppose we are, yeah.

Should there not be a jingle?

Yeah, can we have a jingle?

That's a good point, because look, I come up with ideas and you dismiss them straight away, so I'm not wasting any time making stuff.

Right.

Well, okay, let's play.

Let's play Educating Ricky.

Right.

Brilliant.

Go.

Right.

Ding a linga liling a liling liling.

Educating Ricky.

Right, what are we going for then?

Hanging the bacon, airy Chinese kid, alien gives man a beacon.

I think alien gives man a beacon.

I've liked to leave.

Right, there's this fellow, I think it happened in America,

and he saw a bright light in the sky.

And he stood there.

This is a true story, isn't it?

Yeah.

He stood there.

Yes, because it isn't Steve.

And he saw this bright light and it came closer and closer, and it was a UFO, right?

Yep.

And he looked at it and it disappeared.

right?

And he gets back in his car.

He looks in the mirror.

And he looks in the mirror.

Yep.

He's only got a beard.

You sure it wasn't someone else who got in the car?

And he was still standing out there.

And it turned out, he got home and said to his wife or his girlfriend,

it's a bit weird.

So I just got out of the car to look at a bright light.

And

I got back in the car, I grew a beard, and she said, Never mind your beard.

Where have you been for three days?

And what had happened is he's passed out because he was pissed.

No.

The UFO had taken him for three days, but he'd only thought that he'd only looked at it and it went away.

But what had happened is he took him and he grew a beard because he hasn't had a shave.

Right, okay.

I mean,

was Will Smith or Tommy Jones anything to do with this at all?

Did you see this on a video maybe and thought it was an educational film?

No, it's from a book that some kind person sent in to me.

Here.

Can I just ask again?

Again, I'm just throwing this right back at you.

Do you think there's any other possible answer here?

A man is absent for three days from home.

He's got a limit of time that it could take to grow a beard, lest we forget.

What if he hadn't actually seen a bright light in the sky?

What if he was lying?

What if he was lying?

He'd got knocked unconscious.

He'd had a car crash.

Just lying.

No, just lying.

Or he was just lying.

Yeah, he'd been on a bender getting pissed for three days.

And that was an excuse to his wife.

And they went,

Dennis, what are you going to tell your wife?

Well, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're not going to believe I was out with you, lads.

Just say you're only away for a minute.

No, she didn't.

No, I wasn't away from it because of the beard.

Oh, yeah, look, it looks like you've been out for three days.

Well, we have.

That's right, okay.

We've got to cover that then.

Alien abduction.

Great one.

Okay, let's try that.

Do you see?

That's a little scenario there that could have been played out.

So when you say educating Ricky, what have I learnt from this?

Never listen to you again.

That's all I've learned so far.

Never listen to you again.

We'll add a little bit more in here, right?

Well, no, what do you mean, add a little bit more?

We'll add a bit more to this to this, what I'm educating you about.

Go on.

Right?

There's only a law in America that says if you touch a UFO, you're going to get done.

Now, why would they make a rule?

I don't know that.

Do you know how all their rules have come up?

Carl, I genuinely do not know what you're talking about.

Right, do you know like how I'm not?

Do you know what I'm saying?

I have no idea.

Okay.

Do you know how to hear?

I'm I'm listening to Capitol and these heads.

I got Foxy on for yesterday.

Let's bin that.

No way, Craig.

I don't want to hear about Airy Chinese kids.

But we've got...

Thanks for staying, listening.

Right, okay.

Educating Ricky.

What have we got?

Airy Chinese kid, go on.

Right, yeah.

This is the...

I didn't want to do this.

I didn't want to do it.

Well, I wanted to give you three and I gave you one.

It was like the alien man gets a beard or whatever.

Yeah.

which was total rubbish, so this one should be better, maybe.

Hairy Chinese kid.

Right, well, we've talked about hairy people in the past.

Sure enough, haven't we?

You know, the little kids who grew up in woods and hung around with wolves and that.

Yeah, again, you're confusing the, yeah, they're not,

there were some people that were born a very astute.

They were not the people who were brought up with wolves.

You just put that together in your Homer Simpson type mind.

Right, well, this this is like a sort of sort of close to that sort of story.

But the weird thing is, right, Chinese people aren't that hairy.

As a nation,

no, seriously, that's a well-known fact.

They don't have that much body hair and stuff.

So, this little kid who was born over there,

he was like covered in the stuff.

Was he?

And it was only his nose that wasn't hairy.

The rest of his body was caked in hair, right?

And his hair sort of

hair was it?

Thick, thick hair.

No, what I mean is, was it sort of

like a pony's mane, so he just looked like an ewok?

You know what I mean?

Just like hanging down, sort of straight dark hair.

In the picture, it looked like

it grows from his eyebrows, it grows from his eyebrows quite thick, and then it just goes all the way over his body.

You don't think it was just really long eyebrows that he'd done a comb over?

No, it was all over his body.

It had a picture of like his back and that.

Had he styled it?

Had he styled it at all?

Did he have it equiff or no?

It was just

all over him.

And they were like, you know, this is a bit weird.

Happening in China

where we're not normally that hairy.

That was the scientist we would in there.

The press, the local press and that were getting him down, calling him Monkey Boy and all this.

Stinking Chinese press.

But the doctor.

Yeah.

Oh, they're cruel, aren't they?

The doctor.

Like those game shoes.

That's Japanese, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's what they are.

And the doctor said,

I was

talking through all that time where we were just like talking together there.

Because I turned round and I still saw he was talking.

So, anyway, the local press can only see the hairy boy, the Mickey Boy.

And they were like being tight, taking the Mickey out of him.

And the doctor said,

he's only hairy.

Said he's a healthy young kid.

The only faults he's got is he's got a little bit of eczema and a boil.

He said, everybody should just treat him the same.

And I think he grew up a healthy kid.

Yeah, so that's that's the uh that's that's the end of the story.

That's not a story.

Why?

But I've got nothing I don't know what to say to that.

So someone was someone in China was born slightly hairier than the rest and he was normal apart from Eczema and a boil.

That to me isn't a story.

But

i if it is, I've got a million.

I mean it's sort of like bloke from Manchester, went a bit bolder than the rest, got a job on radio.

He were normal.

I mean that's not a story, is it?

Do you know what I mean?

Alright, then.

Hang on, hang on.

Hold on, he's got the big guns.

You're not going to give us hanging bacon, are you?

Yeah.

Come on, then, come on, then, come on.

Come on, this is it.

No, this is a good one.

This is the one.

And this is a story, right?

Do you know the saying

chewing the fat?

Good one.

It's one of my favourites.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Do you know what it means?

Talking.

Right.

Well, do you know where it came from?

No.

Right, what they used to do years ago when people didn't have much money.

Is this the same as throwing the baby out of the bath water?

No, it's not the same.

Well, it's not the same saying.

No, but I mean, is it as wrong as that was?

Well, let me tell you.

We'll see.

Okay.

Like, people go out to work and

with the money, they'd buy food.

Oh, yeah, come on.

This is a good system.

Go on.

What do you mean?

People go out to work with the system.

And if you're quite well off, you might treat your family to some bacon, right?

But do you know, like, in these days, if people earn a lot of money, they might buy a nice suit

or a car.

But what are you saying?

You're saying, wait, wait, let me get this straight.

You're saying that you go out there work and get money to buy things to live, and if you get sort of enough money to live and you've got some left over, you might treat yourself on like a suit or a car or something.

Is that what you're doing?

Yeah.

But back then, if you earned money, they'd say, This is olden times.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let's get some bacon in.

And what they'd do, they'd hang it in the kitchen.

Or to show it off?

To show it off to all the neighbours and friends.

Because if you had hanging bacon, it was like he's doing all right for himself.

Yeah.

So they had loads of bacon hanging up, and people would come round, right?

And whilst they stood in the kitchen talking about whatever they're talking about,

they'd say,

Do you have a bit of rine?

And they'd rip a little bit of rind off.

And whilst they're having a chit-chat,

chew on the rine.

Well, I think that's probably true.

I haven't heard that, but that one to me sounds true.

Do you see the difference between that one and a man was abducted and grew a beard?

Can you see the difference in why I accept that story?

Different stories for different things.

Different stories for different things.

So, see,

that's a nice story.

If it's true, I don't know that it's true.

I mean, but it seems totally possible, viable, quite interesting.

I won't be quoting that myself until I verified it, but that's, you know, I won't be telling anyone the bloke got in a car and he had a full-faced beard.

Why has car been towed away?

Because it was a quiet road, was it?

It It wasn't in the way.

Are you filling in the banks again?

That wasn't in the book, was it, that you read?

See, this is the thing.

Sometimes I think you make up bits of the story as though they were a fact.

That doesn't seem right.

Well, that's all you can do, isn't it?

So that's educating Ricky, will we?

Brilliant.

Do that next week.

That is brilliant.

No, I think that was good.

I enjoyed that.

I learned something from that.

I want to get a...

I mean, this is all from one book, is it?

Yep.

That's an interesting book.

I don't want to dwell on it, but with a hairy Chinese kid,

what did they say about that?

What was the...

I mean,

was it once there was born a kid who was slightly more hairy than everyone else, but it's alright, he only had a boy.

How did they word it?

How did this capture your imagination?

It was a picture that grabbed me, first of all.

Sure.

And it was like, God, what's up with him?

And that's when I read it.

Did you see the boil in the X-Mole or just the hair?

No, you see, because his face is like just under his eyes, it's sort of nice and smooth, and his nose is sticking out, and that's not hairy.

But the rest of him, he looked like he had the sort of a balaclava on or something.

And then I read on, and it's like this is a hairy kid in China.

Yeah, yeah.

So

anything else in there?

Because I mean, I like, I like that.

We'll do more of that next week.

How is that alongside Hanging Bacon, Aiden

Abduction,

a hairy Chinese kid?

And a little interesting fact about the derivation of a phrase.

What do you mean?

You didn't understand a word of that.

So last week we started good sort of play on words that we had going.

Got it.

The well-known film Educating Rita.

Yeah.

And that's become, thanks to Carl Pilkington's brain, it's become.

I've tweaked it a bit and now it's Educating Ricky.

Brilliant.

Right?

And that was a new feature we started last week, if you weren't listening, where I teach Ricky stuff.

What did you teach me?

Taught you about that little Chinese hairy kid.

Yeah, you didn't teach me anything.

You said there was a kid that that was born that was slightly hairy, it's another Chinese hairy kid.

Where the saying chewing the fat came from,

that was good, that was interesting.

And a man who had a beard

that had been abducted for three days.

Again, that was rubbish.

Lest we forget.

That taught me more about you than about alien abduction.

But what happened last week is

we sort of talked about it all in one go.

And you can't.

Where is this?

You've done what?

You've spread it out over the show.

Well, I've spread it across the two hours because I always found that if you try to to be taught too much in one go, you just can't take it in, and it'll be wasted.

Is that your experience of school?

They taught you in three-minute bursts, yeah, and not every day, yeah, every other when you felt like it, yeah, right.

So, that's what we're going to do, right?

Uh, so we've got educating Ricky coming up, educating Ricky across the two hours, okay.

Look at that, and what I do is I've made little headlines again, and you decide which story you want to go over first.

Well, give me the first headline, no, no, no, not yet, we'll do that.

Well, give me a teaser, hang on a minute, I'm telling you what else.

Right.

Right.

So, okay.

The way this works is.

What would you rather be, Carl?

I teach you superheroes.

Three things.

A frog boy.

Yeah, that you could leap.

You could leap onto a house, but you had to go

first and leap onto a house.

Your

frog boy.

That could come useful, couldn't it?

That's very useful, yeah.

Amployed, where you've got your hands and microphones, and you can talk into your hand and your whole body.

It's like 100 decibels.

You can go, oi, come here.

And people hear you from miles away, amployed, right?

Right, or or saddo, right?

And that means that you can go to anyone and go, all right, and they just don't know why, they just get fed up for the whole day.

Which of those would you prefer?

Don't answer that, don't think about it, don't think about it.

The frog thing, do I look like one?

Or

no, you're just you and your little Ben Sherman and everything.

And they go, and people walk along and they go, Oh, look at that young child from on on that roof.

He's gonna fall.

Which Frogboy was there?

And you go, Brilliant up.

And you go down, you go, Bill it up, and they go, It's it's him.

And they don't recognise you when you're squatting.

They go, I don't know who you are.

And you leap up there, David, and you come up and they go, Where's Frogboy?

and you're standing up and you go, Don't know, he went that way.

Yeah, I'd probably have that one.

What's he doing with Frogboy?

Okay, that's fair to go.

Okay, go on.

Right, so uh

then that just go out.

What?

God, I got a bad.

Hey, look, Rick, Carl's really playing this show.

He's really worked out.

He came in early, he was writing things down.

And there's me just coming up with rubbish.

And you just talking rubbish.

So, Carl, I know you've been thinking this through.

What have you got?

So, educating Ricky, we did it last week.

It's where I teach you some stuff.

But rather

than just teach you something or tease you, so you want to know more, so you want to take in information.

Right?

So, if only people would have taught you like that, Carl.

And also, it's the name of a film, sort of, nearly.

Coming up soon, Henry VIII.

Well, how many waves?

Come back tomorrow, Carl, to find out.

The little headlines I've got to sort of tease you with the story.

Yeah, this is going to hurt me, and I'm not very well.

Go on.

Right, we've got.

So, this is what.

Sorry, I've just got lost for a minute there.

This is Educating Ricky, and these are the stories that you're the things you're going to tell him.

Yeah.

But these are just headline versions.

These are headlines.

Because not the actual fact.

And then I think people will remember things.

Okay.

Alright, so you're bullet points.

Who can forget Hairy Chinese boy?

Indeed.

I shall never forget that.

Yeah.

So,

first headline.

Don't do that to it.

You know it can't live without an head.

I've got no idea.

It could be about the French Revolution.

It could be about anything.

I know what it is.

No, you think you do.

No, no, it's something I taught you.

Is it the fact that cockroaches can live for nine days without a head?

That's part of it, but it's something different as well.

Oh, I thought it would bring it up.

Okay, okay, brilliant.

So

next one.

Do you won't work it out.

If only it was raining.

Brilliant.

Okay.

And the last one,

What's Tomato with You?

What's Tomato with You?

Look how fleas it is.

So you're obsessed with puns, aren't you, at the moment, Kay?

It just works.

I think it works.

Yeah.

We love puns.

So, there you go.

So, which of those are you going to choose, right?

Oh, well, I'm going to have to choose.

Don't do that.

You know it can't live without it.

Carl, what's the story then?

Right, so what did you say you're going for?

You've got your three titles, your three teasers.

Well I think I'm going to go for don't do that to it, you know it can't live without an edge.

I'm looking forward to this.

So this is educating Ricky for those that have just tuned in.

Now something that Ricky told me about when he was educating me was that a cockroach, if you cut its head off,

it lives for a week.

Yeah.

Right?

And the only reason it dies is it can't take on water.

It doesn't have a great time in that week though, does it?

I mean it doesn't get much done, I don't know.

It just needs water, and because it can't find any without its eyes, it eventually dies.

So

you can't drink.

Anyway.

So,

have you heard that one about worms?

Okay.

I have got one.

If you cut a worm in half,

a lot of people have said in the past that it'll turn into two worms.

Right.

But that isn't actually true.

Okay.

Who said that?

No, it used to be like, you know, uh

kids at school.

They said it on yeah, kids at school and stuff.

So that, you know, a lot of people think that.

Don't pick him up on stuff, Steve.

It's bad enough.

So, but what they can do, if you get a worm, right,

and

you

find out which end its head's at,

if you sort of you've got its head there on the left-hand side, right?

And if you sort of cut it in half,

but not in half, so there's more of its neck than the tail, if you know what I mean.

Yeah,

the bit that you've cut off will sort of die, and the rest of the worm will get better.

So, in a way, you can cut it in half and it'll survive, but only one half will survive.

Okay,

yeah,

what have you learned that?

I wish you hadn't chosen that one.

I know, I know, because it's not, it's nothing, is it?

How would you tell a worm's head from its

put it in a bowl of flour and wait till it farts?

I told my mate that, right, and he went, What if it coughs?

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

So

it is there is a bit of truth in that myth of cutting one in half.

Where did you get this information?

I don't understand where you get this information.

It was from the Fatian Times.

It was like the myth, the myth about worms.

That was the big article that week.

Did it take you as long to read that article as it took you to tell us just then?

I like the fact that it starts off debunking a myth.

But we have no enough anyway.

You know

the big thing about cutting the worm in half and making two worms.

No?

Yeah.

What was the other one?

Well, it's not the thing to do either, by the way.

Don't go doing it.

No.

It's not very nice.

It's cool.

It can get barred.

And it's pointless.

There's no scientific worth in that.

Well, there you go.

Okay, then.

So the others, now, you see what I do.

No, I tell you the other titles, you're not having them yet.

That's the whole idea of this.

People will be driving or about to go out doing the shopping.

They'll think about that now.

What was the other two?

Well, the other two.

They won't think about that.

They've forgotten that.

No, they will.

They will.

No, they've forgotten that already.

If only it was raining, and what's tomato with you?

I'm looking forward to that one.

No, you've got to tell me.

Look, look what's happening.

You see, you already want more education.

And this is what listeners will be doing.

I tell you, I wish you were a teacher.

I so wish you were a teacher.

Do you know what I mean?

Kids would be saying, I know it's half half past three, but I don't want to go home.

I want more.

And that's what I'm doing with you.

I'm teaching you.

Why are you teaching me things about not the gut worms enough?

What's tomato with you?

Please tell me what's tomato with you, Carl.

In a bit.

No, in a bit.

Rick, I'd tell you,

he's thought the show through.

He's teasing the audience.

You're excited.

They're listening.

Yeah, maybe.

No, it's Educating Ricky Part 2.

Oh, is it?

Yep.

I wasn't even listening.

He's doing all the work.

I wasn't even listening.

Oh, and they spilled some water now on that.

Right, what's this one again then?

Right, what's the teaser headline?

Teaser headline is What's Tomato with You?

Brilliant.

Yeah?

Grilli.

How excited were you when you came up with that?

You couldn't wait to come in and tell us, could you?

I just said that.

I think it's a good one because you won't forget it now, will you?

I mean, like the worm one.

What's so special about the worm?

You know, a lot of people think that if you cut a worm in half, two worms will grow, but no.

What happens is if you cut the head end slightly nearer the tail than the head, the tail will die, but the worm with the head will be okay.

So it's exploded a myth, and taught me something.

Right, so the second one, part two of Educating Ricky.

What's Tomato with you?

What this one's about is

ages ago.

There's a scientific thing.

There's never a date.

There's never a country

down.

Okay, settle down, children.

This is A-level history.

Right.

Once upon a time.

Yeah, yeah.

When a mental place with swords was a king, forget his name, but he was a loony.

So, and it was

literally ages ago.

So, good luck in the exam.

So, like, you know, alright, many years ago.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, cleared that up.

They thought tomatoes were poisonous.

Right?

Because what.

Hold on, are they going to be proved wrong at the end of this story?

Well, what?

Because I don't want to give away the ending, but is it someone to do with the.

Are they poisonous tomatoes?

No.

Oh, you're having that.

I don't believe it.

Go on.

They could have been eating tomatoes all this time.

Oh, Steve, what's the matter with you anyway?

Okay, so.

Let's just recap quickly.

Recap quickly.

Many years ago, when people thought tomatoes were poisonous, go on, yeah.

They didn't know they were poisonous then because we were still eating them.

But what was happening?

Well, they are not, but they're not poisonous.

Ah, but hang on a minute.

All right.

I'm just going to listen.

I'm not even going to.

I'm going to take it now.

Okay, I'm not going to tackle it.

So, if you remember, years ago they didn't have like pottery plates.

They had they had lead plates, right?

What are you talking?

Sorry, what year is this?

Let's talk about

plates made out of lead.

And what they'd end up doing, they'd they'd say, Right, do you want a tomato?

and they'd go, Yeah, all right and they'd put the tomato on the lead plate and cut it and because of the acid in the tomato, right, it would sort of uh sort of uh make the lead runny and the lead would go into the tomato and they'd say, Oh, it's lovely this and they'd be eaten it.

They'd get food poisoning, lead poisoning, what have you, and they'd be really ill.

So, they thought tomatoes were poisonous, so they didn't eat them for many years.

And when you say they, do you mean the people of Narnia?

Yeah, this did not.

Where was this happening?

Sort of in Britain.

I hope there's no uppity pupils at this school when they go, what do you mean, sir?

Oh, if you're going to

fed up with you, do you understand?

No.

So, so the answer is.

No, no, no, you've got.

No, no, no, right, right.

Okay, first of all, Carl, where'd you get this information from?

Where from?

1420 as well?

Do you know?

You can't remember.

I don't know where I got that from.

I don't know where I got it from.

But

why don't you think that makes sense?

But, but

what?

Someone once got lead poisoning from a tomato.

Not just one, loads, and then all of a sudden.

Why is this educating me?

Because I'm telling you, that tomato is shit.

I can't take anything away away from this.

I don't know what to take away from this.

What am I learning?

What am I learning?

Don't mix lead with tomatoes.

Why is this educational in any shape or form?

What are you telling me?

A long time ago in the land of Glunk, right, where the ninnies did slib, right, they thought tomatoes were poisonous because they ate plates of lead.

What are you talking about?

We all know tomatoes aren't poisonous.

Is that the moral of the story?

Don't believe these people that I'd never heard of before.

What are you talking about, Carl?

I think it's a bit weird.

It is a bit weird, yeah.

These are the same people that were spreading those malicious worm rumours.

My anger was coming back.

I've got a little warm.

We've got

educating Ricky.

Because you taught me that people used to eat tomatoes off lead plates in the land of Narnia last week, which was good.

It was the only tomato they ate off the lead plates, by the way.

Why didn't they think other fruits and vegetables were poisonous?

No, it wasn't.

It was because tomatoes had acid in them.

That was the problem.

You see, you don't

listen.

But lots of fruits have acid in them.

Yeah, but they didn't eat them back then.

They didn't have bloody kiwi fruit and stuff.

They were bloody.

You're a producer.

I start saying shit and cock and stuff.

You start saying bloody.

Tits.

Right.

So, what is this?

What are you doing now?

This is educating Ricky.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I look forward to this.

Three topics that I teach you every week.

Yeah.

Now, obviously, I should just remind people: you normally summarise each of these in a kind of bullet point heading, which you tease us with.

So, what have you reduced them to this week?

Right, we've got

Stocking Aiken and Waterman.

Stocking Aiken and Waterman.

Yeah.

What else have we got?

We've also got

his vault.

Yeah?

It's not what?

It's not his vault.

Okay.

Yeah.

And we've also got get a lobe of this.

Get a lobe of this.

Yeah, Carl, they're a genius.

Before we do educating uh Ricky, this is where Carl thinks he can give me something of interest and teach me something to take away.

Last week I found out that uh somewhere in a strange land people thought tomatoes were poisonous'cause they ate them with lead.

Um things like that.

Um what was the other one you told me?

Uh what else was it last week?

Uh bits of worms cut me off.

Yeah.

Oh, I s I s uh sent him a text message.

I was on the train, a bit bored, and uh I read in I think it was Metro scientists have found out that um

uh worms get stressed and they found out that uh the fat ones um didn't live as long and when they checked the thin ones that lived longer they found out they had a gene for de-stressing them.

Right, Carl, what did you remember what you said?

No,

he went, well that's stupid, isn't it?

He said did these other ones die of natural causes?

I went, yeah, he went, all right, because it could be that the fat ones couldn't get off the pavement quick enough enough and got squashed.

So maybe the scientists go, yeah, we didn't.

Yeah, they just come to think of it, they were flat as well as fat.

I think the reason that the worms are getting stressed is because people like Carl are cutting them in half to try and make two snakes.

Yeah.

Two worms.

Yeah.

That's the concern.

He said they can't even commit suicide if they're stressed by cutting their throat.

I also sent what I thought was quite interesting: that the scientists have found that the elephant hasn't got the best memory.

The sea lion has, based on

they've got a sea lion and they got it back into the old laboratory ten years after it had taught it a simple trick and it could still do the trick.

What did you say to that, Carl?

I'd say they don't go up to much anyway.

So if you do teach it something, it is going to remember it.

Sure.

Because it's got no else to do.

Yeah.

And then it also, I mean, I like sea lions, they look nice and everything, but what do they do?

Sea lions?

Yeah, what they're here for.

It's another jellyfish as far as I'm concerned.

Like, it's there and people know about them, but what do they do?

Yeah,

what do we do?

What do we do, Carl?

What do we do?

A cat first, Steve said, is good for your heart.

Why is it all geared to what's good for us?

Well,

anyway,

educating Ricky.

Good, we've settled that then.

Go on.

The titles that are meant to sort of pull you in.

We've got if

what was it?

Stocking Aiken and Waterman.

You've got It's Not Is Vault

and Get a lobe of this.

Get a lobe of this.

So, which pun do I pick first?

I think I'll go for get a lobe of this.

Get a lobe of this.

Yeah, get a lobe of this, yeah.

Well, that's

that's a story about a girl who

she was deaf

for four years.

And

it happened quite a bit back this.

What year, or was it

ages ago, was it?

About, yeah, quite a bit back.

She was deaf for about four years.

Having an argument with a mum, it it said, which I didn't quite understand,

because I don't know how they do that.

But she was having an argument,

and a man pushed her against a wall

and she banged her head, and her hearing came back.

Okay.

Was she wearing a walkman?

And it fell out.

And she'd realise, well,

there's no explanation.

There's no explanation.

Well, why is that teaching me something then?

So I knew you'd say this, right?

So I thought, right, I'll stick something on it.

Do you know that bees are deaf?

No!

You can't just...

No!

No!

If you ask someone something, they don't answer, they don't tell you something else, just I'll tell you something else then.

I can't answer that, I'll tell you something else.

Imagine that.

If you asked a teacher,

look,

how do birds fly?

Wow, if you're going to do that, tallest building is.

I mean, what.

That's poor.

That was the equivalent, Carl, of running away from me.

Yeah, the intellectual equivalent of going, look over there, there's a monster.

Listen, what do you mean?

Okay, so

her head is a little bit more.

There's no explanation.

There's no explanation.

Or you don't know.

Well, there isn't one, Italy, really.

Did the doctors not look into it?

No, I think they just said, oh, that's good.

But again, I don't...

Where did this information?

If you read this on the stat, is that all they pop up?

There was once a deaf woman who hit her head.

And then came back.

There were bizarre things about being deaf.

Was there three like?

I've got that book.

Yeah, it's a good book, that.

Was there three more pages you just couldn't be bothered to read on?

Yeah, no, no, it was just a little bit, and it was a little bit more.

Was there a little picture, a cartoon picture?

No pictures, I just read owl.

Ow, you don't want to know if you don't want to learn, you know.

Yeah, okay, okay, uh, um, it's not his vault.

Let me have it's not his vault.

You've got to save this.

This has got to teach me something.

It'll be an interesting story.

Right, it's not his vault.

This fella

what year?

80s.

I'd say in the 70s.

Okay.

Would you?

Any evidence for that?

Does he wear flares

in the story?

Is that your reason?

No, it's a bit like Yorigella, this fellow, right?

Where he's electric.

He's electric.

And

if he walks past the telly, the telly would fizz.

If he walked past the radio, it all goes like that.

His hair stuck up all the time.

And

he'd be having a bath, and everything would be alright.

And then the power would sort of switch on in his body, and the electric in his body made him jump out of the bath.

So.

What do you mean, so?

What is that so?

What does that so mean?

You've given us nothing.

You've given us nothing.

You'd have to at least give us the scientific explanation.

Yeah.

Electric heels have 400 volts in them.

Oh, is this the running away again?

What was that one called?

Yeah, but they're.

It's not his fault.

But there's a reason.

It's not his fault.

It's not his fault.

I thought it was going to be somewhere about.

I think we should do these the other way around.

I think he should tell us the story and then we'll hear the pun.

It's not his fault.

It's not his fault.

Right, let's leave it.

Do the last one.

Do the last one.

Carl's saying we're never doing this again because we don't appreciate it.

Carl, you don't know how good this feature is, mate.

Right, last one.

Yeah.

Stocking Akin and Waterman.

Go on and tell me about that one.

What's that?

What am I going to learn from this?

Right, well, do you know the saying, pot a sock in it?

I like it already.

Do you know the saying?

Yeah.

Right, well, do you know where it comes from?

I assume it's shut up, so I'll stuff your mouth with a sock to shut you up.

Years ago.

Yeah.

Sorry, am I right?

No, not really.

Ages ago.

1970s?

50s.

I could say.

Do you know the old.

I'd say.

Do you know the old gramophone?

Yeah.

With the big horn on it?

Yep.

Right, well, those stereos didn't have a volume control on them.

Right?

So they'd be listening to the colour.

So you'd put a sock in the

mute.

You'd put something like a sock.

That's a real one, you see?

That's taught me something.

That's good.

That's excellent, Carl.

that is the that is the only one that counts like chewing the fat if they're true I'm assuming they are it works it's of interest I haven't got it verified yet but that is educating Ricky that's brilliant I will say the other two were more entertaining

so you know I don't know do you understand the distinction though between that one and electrical man

and uh um or I've hit the head I can hear you ma'am yeah

can you see the difference though or

all three because I when I read all three, I took something away from all of them.

So what did you take away from the intellectual man?

I just thought, oh, imagine that.

Imagine how annoying that would be.

But that's not education, isn't it?

And it's not taking anything away.

Think about it, right?

We take our lives for granted all the time, don't you?

You get up in the morning, it's like, oh, I'll get up and walk for a shower.

Some people can't walk, right?

This guy, he can't even have a bath.

You know what I mean?

It's nice to have a bath, isn't it, when you've got time on your hands and you can relax.

This guy can't even do that.

It might be alright for a bit, but he's not really enjoying it because at any moment it could strike.

Yeah.

So he can't even do that.

He can't comb his hair because it keeps going a mess.

Yeah.

He can't watch his hair.

He's knocking you out.

Does he fight crime?

What does he do with his powers?

I think he just has to sit around because no one, he can't work with machinery.

Right.

Because he'll probably blow a fuse.

Yeah, so he just sits around.

Think about it.

What can he do?

What normal things can he do?

Skateboarding.

Going for long walks.

Yeah.

Put a wetsuit on.

Well, he couldn't do that.

Why?

Water and electricity.

No, no, no, wetsuits aren't actually wet.

They're dry initially.

Just put a whole wetsuit on and walk around with flippers and we'll get a little bit more.

A wetsuit's not like a dinner jacket that's like really wet.

Yeah, all I'm saying is think.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, okay.

And what was

the girl deaf four years into Ed?

Yeah.

That's just.

What have you learned from that?

What is that?

Well, imagine how happy you'd be.

Remember that time when I nearly died when I choked on a Mr.

Freeze Pop?

No, tell us that one again.

No, I told you, didn't I?

Tell us again.

Yeah, but the people will remember it.

They won't.

They weren't listening.

Go on.

What happened?

It was ages ago when my mum and dad used to go out shopping on a Friday.

Get the food in.

Get a week's load of food in the cupboard and that.

And we'd, you know, they'd come in with all the food.

And we'd all be like, oh, God, you know, there's no food left on a Thursday, really, so we'd all be hungry on the Friday by the time the food got in.

I love that, but they wouldn't either.

I imagine like jackal puppies.

Yeah.

Just like

licking your parents' mouth for food as they come through the door.

So they're coming in from the supermarket, they're emptying the box.

Ah, kid had got some biscuits and what have you.

Just a frenzy, just a feeding frenzy, like pigeons.

I grabbed the Mr.

Freeze Pop

and knocked it back really quick, but it wasn't frozen.

So I knocked it back so it was like a liquid and it went down the wrong way, right?

And I was choking, right?

And I nearly died.

It must have been about how long can you go before you die?

A couple of minutes a day.

Right, I reckon about a minute 50.

Right?

I was really close to dying.

How do you know you were close to dying?

Did your life flash before you?

No, but I just was like

there's loads of instances of him eating pots.

Yeah, exactly.

I just had to do 40 of those.

Whatever, right?

What do you think you'd see if your life flashed past you?

What do you think which elements would stand out for you, do you think?

Well, what?

Start now, go back.

What do you remember?

What's the first thing you remember?

As a kid.

Yeah, just anything now.

Being in the hall and having our dog look in my face.

That's That's your earliest memory.

Yeah.

Okay, well,

what's the next one?

Right, next one's probably

being at primary school with Lindsay.

Yeah.

Was that your girlfriend?

Well, a little friend who was a girl.

Sure.

And we used to have like tins with letters in, and you'd have to write stuff.

But anyway, what were we doing?

Right, so anyway.

I'm intrigued by the dog that was licking your face.

Well, Binna.

We might be.

No, it's a great feature.

I just think you need to be a little bit more careful about what you consider the education.

All right, well, we'll work on it next week.

Play tune, and what have you offers?

Because we've got a big competition that we've got.

Can't do the competition.

We've only got 20 competition.

We'll come back with rock busters.

We've also got Educating Ricky, where Carl educates me.

The one last week, a girl, right?

She was deaf, and she was having an argument with her mum, and she pushed her and shit her head, and then she can hear again.

Don't know what I learned from that.

No.

It might be.

It might be subliminal.

Someone might be going, it might be a metaphor that I will learn from.

Yeah, like a parable.

Yeah, yeah.

So, look at his face.

We might as well be talking Dutch, might we, Carl?

Say something quick, it's radio.

I don't understand what you want from me.

Oh, we're only joking.

Right, so

educating Ricky.

I've worked a bit harder this week.

We've got some good stuff.

Okay.

I'll give you

the teaser headlines, the headlines in a bit.

Yeah.

Dead in Vegas.

Scorpio Rising.

Featuring the voice of.

Is it Noel Guy?

Liam, innit?

Is it Liam?

Sounded a bit like him.

Liam, yeah.

Yeah.

Excellent, yeah.

Right, okay, let's uh let's get this show well and truly on the road.

Um, we better start educating Ricky next, Carl.

What have you got for me?

I can't wait for learning.

I need learning.

I need education.

We should just explain

obviously for those that have just tuned in, Carl tries to teach Ricky three things each week.

Based on the pun title, and yeah,

each of them, just to tantalise Ricky, is abbreviated into some kind of headline.

A cryptic clue

involving a pun.

So, what have you got for us this week?

They are really cryptic this week.

First story, little headline, is

don't worry about him, he candle it.

He candle it.

Yeah, sounds a bit like he can handle it, but it's not.

What is it?

Second one.

I'll get a lobe of this.

I'm

gonna get a loaf of this.

Some classics.

Who could forget?

Get a lobe of this.

Coming soon.

And stocking at Kien Waterman.

Go on.

Second one, I'm committed to this treatment.

I'm committed to this treatment.

Yeah.

Alright, tantalising.

Yeah.

And the last one,

the police are causing a bit of a stare.

Look at the way he looks when he says it.

I wish we could.

Can't we get Carl on Telly?

There's got to be a way.

With all the cable channels, anyone can get on tele these days.

Let's phone up.

Let's get you on choice or something.

Just a little.

Just Carl.

What are you going for?

Oh, he can handle it, I think.

Don't worry about him.

He candle it.

He can handle it.

Okay, let's hear this one.

Right, are you familiar with

the phrase burning the candle at both ends?

Yeah.

Do you know how it's come about?

I know a man who does.

I assumed that it was to get more light in the room.

How would that work?

Well, they'd put it sideways and light both wicks.

So I have one candle, they could get two.

No, go on.

Nope.

What it is.

I know it's leaking, it means

you're doing too much, you're staying up too much, you're not getting enough sleep.

Well, years ago,

when they didn't have light bulbs and that.

Oh, yeah, what year is this?

Literally ages ago, specifically.

Yeah, quite a bit back.

Okay.

Didn't have light bulbs and that.

So they used to have candles in there.

When did the light bulb come in?

Because I can't remember at the moment.

I don't know.

Okay, go on.

So, um,

yeah, so they've they've got a light bulb.

You're not you wouldn't know you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're not a historian, go on.

Uh, and people who worked a lot of hours,

yeah, how many?

Literally, lots to get up early in the morning because they have to be up early, yeah, and it's dark outside, so they'd light the candle and he'd wear it out a bit, and then they'd be getting in late as well, yeah, and like they'd be like, oh, it's dark, I'll have to light the candle again, and they're burning candle at both ends of the day, so that's where the saying comes from: burning the candle at both ends.

So

that's a little lesson.

Lesson one.

Okay.

Can I have.

No, no, you can't have it.

You can't rush into them, Rick.

You've got to.

You've got to slope that one in.

Any questions for Carl off the back of that?

What do you think?

So

people were.

I mean, basically, where this comes from is people were

literally burning the candle at the end of the day.

Sure.

There you go.

So we've still got.

Go on.

I'm committed to this treatment.

I can't wait.

This is like Christmas Eve.

I've got to open another present now.

I'm excited, Carl.

I'm going to learn so much from this.

What's the choices again?

What's your choice?

You've got left.

Still keep phoning your answers to email.

Email, sorry, yeah.

The answers to rock busters.

Right, okay, how'd you get in, Ricky?

Part two.

Right.

I'm committed to this treatment.

Yeah.

I've gotta go for that one.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Or the other one is the police are causing a bit of a stare.

He still says it like it's the best thing he's ever come up with, which

it could be.

Right, go on in, I'm committed to this treatment.

Right, do you know the saying

is it just sayings now?

Uh are they all sayings?

No, no, no, no, they're not.

Okay, oh the other one isn't.

Uh

frog in your throat.

The saying there's a frog in your throat.

I assume it's when you croak a little bit, you sound like a

frog.

No.

Right, might might sight seem a bit weird, this one, right?

But years ago.

Oh, yeah.

So what is that clue committed to this treatment?

It's about frogs committed.

Probably works better with a K and an E R written down.

Well, also, if you pronounced it committed,

but not committed.

I'm committed to this treatment.

Right, go on then.

That's genius.

So, yeah.

But what?

You get you go to the doctors and you go and throat's hurting a bit.

Right.

And what they did ages ago.

Ages ago, what year was this approximately?

We are going back quite a bit with this one.

Oh, okay, go on.

And the doctor would say,

I imagine years ago, go on.

And the doctor would say, Right, keep your mouth open.

I need to look at your tonsils.

And

the jaw would ache a bit because because they weren't as quick back then because they didn't have the technology and stuff and they'd have to like stare at it and study it and stuff.

And like they get an achy jaw,

keeping their mouth open, yeah, like you get

when you pull a mars bar or whatever.

So um

they'd sat there and they used to always close the mouth and it used to annoy the doctor.

So, what they did, they used to get a toad

and put it in the mouth, rubbish, okay, keep rubbing it.

Keep talking, keep talking, and um, that way they couldn't close the mouth because either they'd squash it, right,

or apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

So the doctor would have them for breaking the law.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, but it's poisonous, right?

A toad's back.

You should never lick a toad's back.

Or put it in your mouth, really.

Just stop that.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can I just ask one question?

Go on, yeah.

Just ask one question.

I've got a few, but

sure.

My initial thought is, it sounds like a brilliant bit of sort of medical knowledge there.

It's a great idea.

My only thought is how does the doctor see past the toad at your tongue?

What's he actually looking at with the mouth open?

Surely the toad is in the way.

He didn't say.

Sorry, and my question, my first question is, was this on the internet?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, Carl, that is bollocks.

That is.

I mean, I

well, alright then.

Let's turn this round.

Where does the saying you've got a frog in your throat come from?

Probably because you sound a bit croaky.

Probably that.

Probably because you sound a little bit like a frog when you've got got a sore throat.

Carl, did you not question it just for a moment when you read it?

Just for a second, didn't you think?

That seems an odd approach.

Firstly, why a frog of all the different?

Because he's poisonous, it's poisonous.

A toad is a little bit.

So it's a toad as well.

Yeah, well, it worked.

I'm committed worked.

No, I was going to change it to, have you heard the news toad day?

But I won with the frog.

Oh, God.

Right, so

that's rubbish.

So that's rubbish.

Next, can I have...

Let's play a tune, let's come up with a rubber.

Open wide.

Oh dear, that's interesting.

Oh, Duncan.

You've actually got a frog in your throat.

How did it get there?

I put it in there.

That's the most ludicrous story I've ever heard, Carl.

Why don't you think when you read these things?

I think there's always going to be a bit of truth in all of these.

I mean, that fella called up, didn't he?

And

he said, I'm not sure about the, you know, putting a frog in your throat if you've got problems with your tonsils or whatever.

But he said, years ago,

if someone had toothache, they'd get hold of a frog and strap it to the face.

Yeah, sure.

So maybe down the line, you know, maybe they did.

Maybe they'd do it.

I mean, Caligula made his emperor, a horse, an emperor as well.

But I mean, you know, it doesn't.

Go on.

Dick Anderson's been back in time.

Excellent.

I think, so he's obviously.

We've turned him around.

He loves it now.

He's been tuning in.

He loves it now.

He says, Ricky, thanks for a really forgettable two hours of radio.

I think I'll spend the time next week counting my feet.

That's from Richard Anderson.

So we've turned him round.

No, do you know where the phrase counting my feet comes from?

Well, in the olden days, right, and I'm talking ages ago, when you really loved something, you used as a sign of respect, like say a radio show, you'd count your feet.

And that's where that comes from.

Well, what about the

frog thing

with a poisonous back?

It's rubbish.

That's true.

No, they put toe-toes of

secretions in there.

Why, why, why?

They didn't put it in people's mouths.

No, so, well, I'll tell you why.

When

a badger or a heron tastes the toad, it's horrible.

The toad might die, but it's for the good of the species because then think how many toads looking like that heron could eat in its lifetime.

So the fact that one toad sacrifices have all those other toads in that heron's manner will be sad.

I mean, you know, we've talked about animals a lot on the show, right?

And when made a toad, sure, right, okay, well, I'm gonna stop you there, I'm gonna stop you there, so don't worry, don't just let him carry on, right?

Okay, like

there's annoying things out there, you know, jellyfish is a big problem with me.

I don't understand why what they do in the sea and stuff, right?

Right, but we'll leave them.

Got it,

we won't, we won't talk about jellyfish with the toad, right?

Um, if it's to protect itself, yeah, right, now so

it's to protect its species,

yeah, but that surely, right, if the toad had a choice, if God said, right, what I'm going to do for you here,

you can have something like a lobster's got claws, big claws, do have a fight,

or I can give you something that if someone's having a go at you, you've got to try and persuade them to lick you back as a defence.

Yeah.

What use is like

God's.

Well, I'll tell you why.

What is God's?

The fact that there are still toads around is a testament to that defence working.

That's all I'm going to say.

Okay?

If the toad had died out, you'd have a point.

But they're still around.

It works.

Alright?

And don't start slagging God off.

He's got a lot on his plate.

I mean, basically, I think he took on too much.

Particularly in one week.

Exactly.

Carl's getting all flustered because I put an elastic band around his head.

And we've had a definition of

because there's an update to that, really.

Go on.

We did just have

one definition here of a frog in the throat.

Apparently, this has come from some internet site, so who knows how convincing it is but it says frog in the throat meaning suffering from temporary hoarseness needing to clear the throat origin from the old English frogger meaning hoarseness that's from Chris now that sounds slightly suspect to me but

frogger I mean is it it seems odd that it would derive from that when it so clearly appears to be you sound like a frog when you when you have a sore throat yeah but but but the word frog could come from frogger because it sounds like it'sn't frog a game you could play on the

screen but listen hang on there's an update to that because just to.

You may be trying to show off, but I think you're about to embarrass yourself as well because you've been slagging off young Carl.

It says here, another email, it doesn't tell us who it's from.

Although it's hard to believe now, at one time, medieval physicians believed that the secretions of a frog could cure a cough if they were coated on the throat of the patient.

That in itself sounds repulsive.

But what makes the idea even worse is the application of the secretions.

Instead of painting the treatment on, something which may also have seemed rational, a live frog was placed into the mouth of the sufferer where it remained until the physician decided that the treatment was complete.

Apparently, Shakespeare's son-in-law, that's a question right there.

I don't know what that means.

Anyway, it's no wonder that today a froggy or croaky attempt at speech is said to be a frog in your throat.

So you can see that what's happened there is Carl's misread or been slightly misinformed about a medieval practice.

In a sense, you're both winners just for taking part.

What's your final one, Carl?

Well, the final story is

the police are causing a bit of a stir.

I can't wait.

Um it's about this fella, uh I think it's in England somewhere.

Yeah.

Don't know when it happened, but uh literally ages ago or basically well it's when I think it's when they were trying to crack down on like drunken people walking about in the street.

Oh yeah.

And they found this fella.

It's that bit that way.

And uh found this fella and uh all the local people were saying oh look at him wandering around he's he's drunk and what have you.

That's not right.

Get the police in.

He got arrested and that and they got him in the court And the judge was there, and he says,

So, you know, what's all this?

What's going on?

What are you doing wandering about?

When you've had a drink, you know the rules.

You shouldn't be doing that.

You had a glazed expression on your face.

Blah, blah, blah.

What do you have to say for yourself?

He only had a glass eye.

So he had two glass eyes.

No, he had one.

But that was

about to sort of lock him up.

Was he pissed up as well?

Well, he was pretty livid.

But was he also drunk with a glass eye?

No, no, that's the weird thing.

He wasn't even, he hadn't even had a drink.

So I just thought because he had a weird step.

Just because his eyes were all glazed.

Yeah, where'd you get this from?

Why are you telling me this?

Why are you telling me this?

I mean, thank you because it's, you know, killed a couple of minutes.

But why is this educating me?

What are you telling me?

Because there's a bit of a thing there, a bit of a fable, that don't always judge a book by its cover.

Yeah?

So the guy, he hadn't even had a drink.

He's probably just been shopping.

Yeah.

walking down the street, and everyone's like getting involved.

Like, what's he doing?

Hang on, I don't understand.

He's walking down the street, happens to have a glass eye.

He was doing nothing else to suggest he was drunk.

You don't pick people up just because their eye looks like a bad thing.

But even if it happened, why are you telling me?

With no particular detail.

I know this, but they were going to get.

There's not enough information.

I know, yeah.

No, there's a bit of a lesson there, educating Ricky.

Just, you know, just watch what you say.

Don't always jump to conclusions.

The only education I can take from that is that if I ever do become a policeman, I shouldn't just arrest people because they look a bit drunk.

I should just tap their eye with a pen.

Oh,

on you go, yeah.

Guys, can I just look at that?

I'm just going to email Richard Anderson and tell him I agree.

Come on.

Right, educating Ricky.

He's my favourite bit now.

You're just going to tease us, aren't you, with three headlines if you want to.

And I'll choose one, then we've got the other two as well.

Yeah, that's how it works.

And at the end of it, you learn some stuff.

Like I say, I'm struggling a bit with knowledge.

At last he confesses.

Yeah, go on.

So the three headlines for you to pick from.

We've got first one:

We'll have a big fire tomorrow.

I got a feeling there's some vegetables involved.

Maybe.

Second one,

he's a bit of a nuisance.

Okay.

And

third one:

I'll bacon in the morning if you're sick of having you.

Oh, that one.

I'll bacon in the morning if you're sick of having me.

Right, I'm having that one.

That's brilliant.

Right, well, it's a saying:

do you know cold shoulder, giving someone the cold shoulder?

Yeah.

If you have someone round at your house and

you're trying to get rid of them, and they're hanging around and stuff, and you're like, oh, I wish they'd go.

I'm tired, and that.

Well, years ago.

When?

Literally years ago.

Well, ages ago.

Sort of.

I think it said medieval times.

Yonks ago, then.

Yonks agree.

Medieval.

We're going back quite a bit on this.

Well, you know, when you find out these books, why don't it just pop down when it was?

Just make a note.

I don't think it says all the time.

It just sort of says, you know,

a few years back.

Yeah.

No, no, it doesn't.

Never.

All right, I'll make an effort next week.

Okay.

So, oh, it's annoying that, because my girlfriend said to me, just make a note of the time, they'll stop having a go at you.

And I kind of thought, oh,

didn't listen.

I don't think it matters anyway in this one.

We're looking at the saying, right?

So it's giving someone a cold shoulder.

And what it is, right, ages ago, there weren't enough houses for people.

Right.

Because there wasn't much money being made.

You know, there weren't big businesses.

People weren't earning good money like they are now.

So there wasn't as many houses.

So what you ended up getting is like, you know, the rich people having a nice place to live.

And the poor people were like wandering about, you know, looking for places to live and that.

And what they ended up doing is they had like

people would go around to the mate's house and say, Look, I haven't got anywhere to live, it's a bit cold.

Can you let me stay?

Right?

So they'd go,

all right, then you can stay a couple of days.

But they ended up staying for like weeks, yeah, right?

So to sort of get rid of them,

what they'd end up doing, they'd be making the dinner and they'd be making a lovely dinner like a bit of meat, nice warm meat, and nice veg, gravy, and everything.

This happened every time, did it?

This is where the saying came from.

This is what happened, Rick.

This is happening every time.

It was in that vague book.

The book of vague things and stuff.

Right, so

yeah, so they'd be making a nice meal, but what they did, they looked after all the family, and a person who won't go home, they just give them some like sort of a cut-off of cold meat.

Right.

So they'd say, you're giving them the cold shoulder.

Meaning.

Okay, that's rubbish.

Okay,

absolutely.

Why does that necessarily work?

Yeah, yeah.

Why do they always, in every situation when you want to get with a lodger, well, still feed him every day, but make the meat lukewarm.

You always leave then.

Yeah.

Oh, this food's lukewarm.

I'm going to go out.

I'm going to become homeless.

And they go wandering through the water.

Hold on, are you giving me the cold shoulder?

Yes.

Do you want me to leave?

Yes.

Just say leave him.

No, I like to do it cryptically.

That way, in years to come,

someone will have a little saying about it.

Well yeah, that that was our bake on in the morning.

If you've had enough of me, we'll leave that.

So come back, well the others just tease us again with the others.

We'll come back to Luce.

You've got he's a bit of a nuisance

and we'll have a big fire tomorrow.

Look at the way when I went to school, there was two kids with them big heads.

Now

never see them.

No one else saw them anyway, Carl.

It was only you that saw two of them not related and wouldn't hang around with each other because you think they thought it would be too obvious.

Webbed webbed fingers and big heads.

That's amazing.

And there was a kid with the pigeon chest.

Oh, yeah, and the and the lady with the head like a bag of spuds.

Let's not go through these again.

It just raises too many questions that can't be answered.

Yeah.

Right then.

So, um, we've got, um, we'll have a big fire tomorrow.

Yeah, go on.

Is that the one you want?

That's different.

Right.

Um I think

this was like round the seventeen hundreds.

Bluffing.

Um

who was the king then?

Dunno.

Go on.

But it's uh it's about the word bon bonfire, right?

Bonfire.

Bonfire.

Yeah.

Do you know where it comes from?

No, go on, no.

Right, what happened is it's got nothing to do with Guy Fawkes and that, which is what I thought when I saw it.

It's got nothing to do with that.

But ages ago, at seventeen hundreds,

um they um didn't have enough houses like I mentioned.

Okay, yeah.

So if that happens, you get people living on the streets,

you get diseases, people aren't cleaning properly,

so you get more deaths.

Alright.

So think about it, you've got all these dead bodies lying around.

Uh they're running out of space'cause there's like I don't know don't know why they're running out of space.

But

they haven't got much.

I don't know why, really.

I was going to say they should have just buried them, but

it was probably more land back then than now.

He doesn't need anyone else in the room.

Yeah, we could leave and we'd come back and he'd go and sort in it.

Yeah.

But anyway, for some reason.

They presumably, if it if it's going to be they burnt them, it's presumably to do to that it also kills the parasite or whatever's carrying the parasite on them, as opposed to burying them and not killing the disease.

Well, yeah, so that's that there you go, you've worked it out.

They piled them up and they turned it into a celebration because there was a lot of fed-up people at that time.

Is this the word bon, meaning good?

No, no, no, I'll tell you in a minute.

Go on.

So, you've got all these people who are like going around and like, oh, you know, so-and-so died the other day, and you know, nearly every week someone they knew was dying.

So, you can imagine, like, just constant, like, being depressed.

So, and they've got all these bodies lying everywhere.

It's like, oh, God, what are we going to do?

So, they said, we're all too fed up at the moment.

So, let's make this a better wish.

This was 1701 by the time they got together.

So, they said, what we need to do is have a big party.

So, they said, yeah,

see what you're thinking.

So, they go, right, well, we'll put all the bodies in a big pile

and they're all diseased and that.

So, they set fire to the bodies

and they said, let's have this as a celebration to remember them by.

And, you know,

we'll have a drink and that and have a chat.

We'll have this big fire going, and it came from bone fire.

Ah, right.

So

it was all the bones.

Bonfire is bone fire.

Yeah.

Excellent.

Yeah?

That's interesting.

So that's how it came about.

Yeah, in the 1700s.

Yeah.

That was?

No, probably.

I reckon it was 1600.

Probably earlier.

I reckon it was the plague.

I reckon it came from.

But interesting stuff.

Interesting Interesting stuff.

Did you celebrate Bonfire Night?

Is that a big celebration for you?

Do you like the fireworks?

I'm sick of fireworks.

I just think they're rubbish.

Yeah,

I'm not impressed.

I've never been impressed by fireworks.

Even as a kid, you know, you'd have to go to sort of community kind of gatherings with the bonfire and fireworks, and some local vicar or whatever would come out and

the adults think the kids love it.

And if they just got together and said, should we go this year?

They'd all go, no.

Absolutely.

Let's not go this year.

What would be better is if the vicar had wheeled out like a massive rocket, climbed in, gone last one to the moon as a bender, and then fired himself off.

Now, that I'd pay to see.

That's a firework display I'd like to see.

As it is, it's just

a dear.

That's excellent, Carl.

Yeah, I'm not keen.

No, sorry, what clue was that?

We'll have a big fire tomorrow.

Bone marrow.

Bone marrow.

It's genius.

We've had a few emails.

Anyone got it right, Carl?

Anyone got it right?

Mickey, educate Ricky.

That's the final one.

We've got to get that out out of the way.

We've got to get Rockbusters as well then.

Corner.

But we've only got five minutes left.

Come on, just do Educating Ricky.

Right, God.

The last one that we haven't done is

he's a bit of a nuisance.

Go on in.

Again,

not really that interesting.

Thanks.

No, again, I spoke to you in the week and he had much better things.

Like when I told you about Brian Blessed climbing Everest, and for some reason, it made him

played havoc with with his belly, and

he followed through and he had to clean up.

Shat himself.

Yeah,

using ice and stuff.

Why are you telling me that Brian Blessed?

In what way is telling me that Brian Blessed shit himself once in any way educational?

Because I was saying how

he was climbing Everest, right?

You might give it to him.

He's an actor and that, but he gave that a go.

Yeah.

It played.

What's the point of that, you'd say, wouldn't you?

You'd say, God, he's, you know, oh, so he's alright.

Me doing a boxing match for no reason is rubbish.

But him climbing over us and shitting himself

is commendable.

Right, and he's only going to go and do it again.

He's going to climb it again.

Yeah, but he might not shit himself this time.

What's the point in going?

Nothing's changed up there.

Yeah,

it shouldn't be.

Well, it has.

They probably have probably cleared out by now.

Right.

But

it's slip on it.

I can't hear you.

I'm just telling you this one because come on.

Just do it.

Do it now.

Steve, how are we doing?

Look, no, no, never mind that.

Look, just tell me what that means.

Oh, he's a nuisance.

Oh, this is so annoying, Carl.

I'm going to go mentor.

Right, talk.

Right, listen, I'm just pointing

a bit of a nuisance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Apparently, the old fella who used to hang people

in the 1800s?

Yeah, yeah.

He used to be able to tell somebody's weight just by looking at them.

Right?

That's a bit of a bonus fact.

We'll be the judge of that.

The thing, the the thing that I wanted to tell you is

money for old rope.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I can't even be bothered.

Yes, you're going to tell me now.

Come on, Carl.

I mean it.

Basically, money for old rope came from the right.

What was all that about?

He can tell someone's weight.

I was like,

and blind blessed, shitting himself.

What are you...

What?

No, don't you.

No, tell me that now.

You nearly made me swear then.

Just I'm getting really annoyed.

I'm getting really annoyed now.

Tell me this back, Carl, or I'm gonna go mental.

Come on, Carl, the time's running out.

Well, that people, years ago, when people used to be hung, right?

Right.

If you didn't like the person who's been hung, look, oh god, I really don't like him.

And so you never forget the term.

But even if they're being hung, we take that as red.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they never forget afterwards to get the hangman to get the rope and to cut it up into little pieces and it'd sell them.

It'd sell the little pieces of the rope to people.

See, Carl, that's the most interesting thing, if it's true, that you've come up with.

Right, okay.

And so, what's

you so they sell the rope?

They sell the rope, and it's money for old rope.

Money for old rope, meaning, like, you know, God, it's easy to make money, all they have to do is cut it up and sell it.

I'm Carl Pilberton in the chair now.

The um

the talked about, the acclaimed

educating Ricky.

Right, well, just in case anyone's new, doesn't normally listen, um, basically, I'm educating Ricky.

Do a bit of research in a week, find stuff, news, history, anything that's interesting.

Three stories, I give them a nice little headline.

You take your pick.

Between now and three, you're going to learn three things.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So the headlines are:

I'll be no buying one of them.

Give us that again.

I'll be no buying one of them.

Nice, okay.

We've also got got Hippopotter News.

Okay.

And

can you believe it?

Chick, can you believe it?

Well, I'll go for Hippopota News.

Hippopota News?

Hippopota News.

Right, well, this one,

I'm not going to take the credit here.

I heard Christian talking about this on breakfast, right?

Because it's a good, good,

good story that happened.

Basically, I don't know if I told you about it last week when we're having our spaghetti.

But.

I think you did.

I know what it is.

I know what this is.

I've not heard this.

Right, there's a little midget.

There's a circus.

I've loved it already.

Circus going on somewhere.

I think it was in America.

Is that present day or old times?

I'm talking like in the last three weeks.

Okay.

Right.

Little midget,

circus, really packed-out show.

People are loving it.

Steve, you'll ask the same question I did, I know.

So

there's Little Midget jumping up and down on the trampoline.

What's what's circles in

good money to see it?

So, everyone's clapping, and he's getting carried away

because he can't believe he's like, he can't believe they're loving it.

I didn't know they'd like a little person on a trampoline, but they love me.

But, you know what it's like when there's a crowd of people sort of encouraging you to sort of go higher and stuff?

Yeah, and I'm sure he knew it was getting out of hand, but he was jumping and he was coming down the road going higher, and he's going really high in the air, right?

So he's doing this.

Crowd are clapping.

There's a hippo, right?

Just sat next to the trampoline, getting ready to come on and do his act.

Oh, right.

I thought he was in the audience.

Getting ready to do his act, Steve.

So

what do you mean he's sitting by the trampoline waiting to do his act?

Why is he sitting in the dressing room and they go, five minutes,

Mr.

Muss?

Five minutes, Mr.

Muss.

So, anyway, right, so the hippo's there.

He's getting annoyed, is it?

Because the midget is annoying.

He's going, after I follow this,

this is really annoying.

They're going to be...

Oh, no.

So he's thinking...

He's already done the trampoline.

My poco stick out.

He's never going to work.

Yeah, go on.

So there's the Hippo waiting.

See, it's a great story, and I just know he embellishes it.

I get slightly wrong.

Go on.

So there's a midget jumping up and down.

The hippo's getting annoyed.

The crowd are going mad.

The midget's loving it.

Can't believe his luck.

Although we think, you think, he probably knows he's dicing with danger.

Yeah.

So, next thing you know, they're all saying higher, higher.

He gives it one big, like, heavy sort of landing on the trampoline.

Goes really high, but goes off at a funny angle.

Oh, hypotenuse.

Okay.

Yeah.

And sort of flies off.

He's my use.

Sure.

Flies off at a funny angle.

Hippo's there, swallows him whole.

Crowd of clapping, thinking that's why the hippo was waiting there.

Rubbish.

Rubbish.

It's not rubbish, though.

No, maybe there was an accident in a

circus with a midget and a hippo.

But at no point was this hippo waiting to go on going, come on.

The midget flew off at hypotenuse and landed in the hippo's mouth and was swallowed whole.

This is what you investigate.

That is great.

I have to say, though, Rick, when I heard midget trampoline hippopotamus, I was thinking accidentally waiting to happen.

Yeah.

So,

maybe.

You should never put those three together.

Never.

It's a recipe for disaster.

Everyone knows that.

Midget trampoline hippopotamus.

Are you mental?

I'm asking for trouble.

Well,

you know, when he told me it, he said, and the midget, he didn't mention the hippopotamus.

And he said, the midget went on, and soon he fell off and the hippo at him.

And I said, sorry, what was the hippo doing there?

He went, it's a circus.

I've never heard of a circus having a hippo.

What do hippos do?

What can they do?

You can't drain them anymore.

Aren't they like very deadly?

They're huge, aren't they?

You can't have a hippo in a circus.

Sure.

You're not thinking of Zippo?

He's neither claimed.

Yeah.

No, no,

it wasn't some sort of where Zippo was eating a midget and it's it's some sort of horrible sexual act.

No, it was definitely I heard it on Breakfast right.

Oh, okay, sorry.

No, it's definitely fine.

Okay, good.

Well, let's play a record then.

I'd like to play a classic Springsteen.

We're all fans of Springsteen there.

This might be his debut album, I'm not sure.

Greetings Raspberry Park.

I think it is, yeah.

New Joysey.

And this is Growing Up.

It's great.

It's classic.

Educating Ricky, part two.

Right, what's the clues left?

Well,

we've got left the headlines: I'll be no buying one of them.

And we've also got

Chicken, you believe it.

Chicken, you believe it.

So they're the two that I left.

Which one's you wait for?

Chicken, you believe it, is not that picture, is it?

That we saw.

Which picture?

The bloke with the.

No, no, no, no, no.

Right, okay.

God, that was bad.

Right, okay.

So I was just going to explain.

We can't really discuss this on here, can we?

Well, we can.

Steve brought in Carl the best book ever, which is What Is It?

I found it when I was moving house.

It's an FHM publication.

It's kind of like lots of grotesque pictures and stories and like the book of the book of freaks and weirdos and carl opened it and the first one was like

well you couldn't believe your luck could you what was it what was what was number 50 a bloke with two heads and he said what's number one yeah and then number six there's a bloke who's a squid or something octopus yeah yeah yeah he's loving it and number one he said well it's just a fella under a rock and i went oh no read on i think i know about this and it's the fella that was found he caused a landslide while having sex with a chicken and they pulled him off and there he is the chicken so carl could not believe his luck so it's not that chick can you believe it I love that one going for that one yeah right well we've talked a lot on the show about um we've talked a lot on the show yeah yeah yeah yeah um about animals without heads

we haven't

we haven't we know we talked about cockroaches could live without a head for seven days yeah we've talked about that and then of course there was the um the well-known one about the uh the fellow who had his head cut off and he he blinked and you said to his mate count how many times I blink when my head comes off.

Yeah,

when you told it to me, you said his head came off, and he said, as he said,

quick, count how many times I'll blink.

And it was Nick Frost that had to go, no, Carlton, no, he said it before.

And

that was lovely.

So, yeah, we've talked quite a lot about things' heads coming off.

Go on, then.

Well, this one, right?

Back in 1945.

You looked it up the date.

Got a specific date.

Mate Jonathan sent this one.

You know him as well.

He's lad at the BBC, right?

He emailed this one in.

So thanks for that.

Chicken, it's called Mike.

There's a chicken called sorry, I missed a bit there.

There's a chicken called Mike.

There's a chicken called Mike.

Okay.

What happened was it was living on a farm, right?

Loads of chickens knocking about.

And the owner of the farm is like, you know, getting ready for tea, and his wife says,

go out and get a fresh chicken because my mum's coming round.

So he thinks, well, I want to get a good one in because I want to impress her.

Back then, even then, they wanted to impress the mother-in-law on that.

So they said, Alright, I'll just nip out and get one.

So

he sees Mike, chicken, running around.

This is during the war or after the war?

1945?

I'd say that was after.

No, ended.

Well, it ended in 1945.

Yeah, September gone.

So chicken's running about.

He thinks that one look, you know, that looks alright of that one.

So he picks it up

and

he cuts his head off.

Puts it on the block, cuts his head off, runs about a bit, like they do.

He thinks it'll stop in a minute.

Keeps running about.

What's going on here?

He's now like chasing a chicken without a head.

Yeah.

He's saying it should die in a minute.

Anyway, doesn't die.

Chickens walking around with no head.

Lives for 18 months.

Yeah.

Chicken with no head.

Yeah.

What do you think of that?

Well, I'll tell you, I've heard this story before, Rick, and

the explanation, as I understand it, was that certain vital cords, spinal cords, weren't severed when the head came off.

So that was why it continued to live.

I don't know if that sounds plausible.

It's fine, absolutely fine.

How did it take on

protein and energy?

The fella who owned it, he said, well, hang on a minute.

He said, I could kill it now.

But I've got a wonder chicken here.

But he's thinking, it must really want to live.

Sure.

If it survived that, I've got something here.

So

what he does, he gets a little eyedroplet thing that he used to use on it.

Obviously, not anymore.

And he filled it with grain and water, and it had a big hole in its neck where its head used to be.

Incredibly.

And he dropped it.

You know what?

I mean, that is possible then.

Without infection, if he was taking on things, it is possible.

Why?

Why what?

Why did he do it?

How cruel is that?

I mean, well, it's not cruel because the chicken obviously, you know.

He said if he thought it was a bit fed up, he would have killed it.

He said, but he was running around quite happy.

Well, it wasn't fed up at all because it had no brain.

What do you mean, well?

I'm just saying what.

It was nothing.

It was just sinew and nerves and electrical impulses breaking down energies, right?

That's all it was.

It didn't have a brain.

So it was.

But I'm worried about the psychology of keeping a pet without a head.

I'm worried more about what the farmer was thinking than the other.

But I tell you this:

the question I'm asking is: was the mother-in-law impressed?

I mean, that's what he said.

That's why he said the shots.

This is lovely, but it's just a head where you don't kill a chicken all at once.

I thought we were having chicken for dinner.

Come and look at this running around the yard.

Oh, dear.

There you go.

You've learned something there.

Yeah, I have learned something.

Yeah, yeah.

So,

one more.

That farmer, I have learned that farmer was very strange indeed.

I have to say, to be fair to Carl, I've feeling when I read it, the reason he kept it alive was as a novelty.

He sold, you know, he got charged people to come and see the incredible headless chicken called Mike.

Right.

So there we are.

That's great.

So,

Educating Ricky.

Number three.

One, you've had Hippopotamus,

you had Chicken, you believe it.

And

the last one is

I'll be no buying one of them.

I love that one.

Interesting one, this.

I mean, I spent probably three days looking for this stuff.

right and another one that I came across right and I was gonna use

what a great life you've got I was just you know going on the internet and that and I also look in magazines found a story about a bloke who

I don't know he was messing about with a chainsaw and he's

I don't know he's messing about with a chainsaw he was juggling a midget and uh while I was taking his alligator for a walk and um go on and his arm uh come off right Come off!

What do you mean, his arm came off?

The chainsaw took it off.

Oh, yes, okay.

Oh, again,

he's going, oh no, oh, so uh, there's a picture of him on an exercise bike, sort of just with a little stump, sort of balancing, but he's getting on with his life, he's happy, and everything, everything's fine, he's not complaining, it's his own fault, he's got no one to blame, right?

So, anyway, he goes to the doctor's, and the doctor said, I can do something there.

So, he goes, Well, it's alright, you know, I'm getting by all right, don't worry about it.

And he goes, No, no, we've got an arm in, right?

We can

attach that, a real arm, from someone who's, I think, they passed away or lost an arm or something.

And they lost an arm and didn't want it back.

Yeah, but I love it.

Are you using that now?

Because I know someone.

Because I know a blood catcher.

Yeah.

Well, can't you just put this one back on?

Well, it's first come, first serve, really.

I was just, listen, I was just building a bionic man.

We've replaced one arm with a robot's arm, so we've got a spare one.

So the doctor's going, let me put it on.

He's like, well,

all right then.

So

he does the operation.

Everything's fine.

He's loving it.

He's happy again because he said he can brush his teeth.

Right, okay.

If this is, if this is going to be.

He's lovely again because now he can brush his teeth.

Right.

If this is going to be, and it was a leg, or

it was a chimp's arm, or

it was, yeah, it was two left arms, right?

I'm going to s kill you.

Oh, let's leave it there.

What is it?

What's the answer?

No, it's not that.

I'm just saying.

What is it?

Okay.

So

he says,

go on and do it.

So he sews it on.

And like I said, he's happy.

He's brushing his teeth.

He can have a pint in a pub.

He's lifting a pint with it.

All his mates are happy for him.

It goes on for about two years.

Everything's fine.

Then it all starts going flaky.

Oh, I knew it would.

Was it made of chocolate?

Alright, so it all goes all like gammy.

And then for some reason, it's going gammy.

It goes gammy.

And it gets longer.

Of course it does.

So there's a picture of him, right, stood in the magazine.

He's stood there with his arms by his side.

One arm's normal.

The other one is like past his knees.

He can pull his socks up without bending over.

So is this going to be

they gave him the arm of an eight-year-old child who would have been the tallest man in the world?

No, he just said, Oh, what am I going to do?

And the doctor said, Oh, there's not much we can do.

And left it.

Wait a minute, you can't do that.

Carl, you've got a credit explanation.

Was it an incredible plastic arm?

An incredible expanding arm.

Did he fight crime later?

No.

Well, that's the end of the story.

You've got no scientific explanation.

That's why I didn't pick it.

But you just told it to us anyway.

Yeah, but I'm just saying the sort of knowledge I come over when I'm looking for the good knowledge.

Yeah?

Why did this arm grow?

He must have had an adult arm.

They couldn't have given him an arm.

I don't know.

I don't know.

It's just why I'm.

It's rubbish again, isn't it?

Well, I don't know.

It's an interesting story, but you should have read it.

It's not, and it is rubbish.

It didn't matter.

There were photos.

Yeah.

But you should have read to the end of the article, Carl.

No, I did.

And he said that, you know, he's not happy and he wishes he wouldn't have had it done and all that.

And, you know.

Are you sure this wasn't entirely unexpected?

No, seriously.

He was saying, you know, his teeth are nice and clean again because he could brush them and that.

But his arm's getting in the way.

Ruining his shirts.

So I'll leave that.

Let's play tune this come back with the next one.

Because I love the fact that that.

This is like Ronnie Corbett telling one of his jokes.

That wasn't even the story.

He was.

Well, Carl, that's about it.

And we got sidetracked on the last educating rookie.

You telling me about a man whose arm grew.

Well,

something went wrong.

I'm not saying it grew.

Just saying.

The rest of them shrunk.

It went long.

It went long.

Is that growing there?

What do you mean it went long?

Did it grow?

or what did it come loose?

That's that's what I was thinking.

Oh, so it was hanging by a thread that's made it look long within the skin.

It's like how you can stretch a pair of tights if something it's too heavy on.

It's like tights.

They are very much.

So the one so one that we didn't get round to on educating Ricky was uh I'll be null buying one of them.

Go on.

Um are you familiar

with the with the same white elephant?

Something is a white elephant.

I don't think so.

Hold on.

You phoned me last night and said, what does white elephant mean?

And I told you.

Yeah, I know, but I know where it came from, but I just was wondering what it was about.

So how in what way is educating Ricky you calling me up and asking me something?

Do you know how it came about?

You've given away some of the secrets of the show there, it would appear.

I didn't realise he was phoning you for information.

Well, you just asked me what the term white elephant meant in sort of like colloquial.

Did he say,

Why are you interested, Carl?

No reason.

No, go on, go on.

What it is, ages ago, when.

So, what do we understand white elephants mean?

Well, something that's useless, that's like a bit of a, you know,

something that you wouldn't want around that's just stood there doing nothing.

Yeah.

I'm looking at you, Carl.

So, uh.

So, years ago, when people used to use elephants,

when people used to use elephants?

Yeah, more than they do now.

Right.

More than they do now.

This doesn't involve a midget, does it?

No.

So, you know, they'd use them in the workplace and stuff, sure,

as factories.

Yeah.

So new stuff you need, isn't that?

Yeah, security cards.

Can't trust them with the buns, though.

That's why they stopped using them.

Oh, God, go on.

So there was loads of

elephants knocking about.

And the thing is, right.

If you have a lot of something,

you also have a lot of demic ones, don't you?

A lot of what?

You know, sort of demicy ones, ones that aren't right, really.

Demicy, demicy.

Well, you know, like they weren't, they weren't properly.

They weren't.

They weren't properly.

They weren't demicky or girl.

What are you doing?

Right, I'm getting to the story.

So, what I'm telling you is.

They were a bit demicy, so they weren't properly.

Have you started making words up?

Yeah, you Stanley Unwin reincarnated.

Demicky?

Yeah.

There was a lot of albino elephants knocking about.

Where?

Where is this?

Old McKinsey.

Africa.

I can't guess.

Should we say Africa?

Yeah.

If an answer's got a question mark at the end, I'm not sure.

It's either Africa or India, but I'll give you a clue.

Will these elephants, do they have big ears or little ears?

I didn't sort of notice the size of the elephants.

What I noticed is they were white because they were albino elephants.

Okay.

Right?

So

that's why the heading I'll be null buying one of them.

Okay.

I'll be null buying one of them.

So

what would happen is people who didn't know what they were doing, like, you know, you get people making a mistake buying cars that are full of problems and that.

Back then, when people were buying elephants, they'd go up to someone and say, I'm after an elephant, and the fellow would say, Yeah, I've got one here for you.

This is a nice one.

And it was all white and stuff, and it had like blue eyes.

You should never trust a used elephant salesman.

It was just this elephant that's white with blue eyes.

This is great.

So, so a fellow who didn't know what he was doing would buy the elephant and he'd get it back, and it'd be all sort of lazy and stuff on the worst kind of stuff.

And he'd say, What's up with this?

And his mate, who's a bit of an expert with elephants, and go, Oh, where have you bought that from?

And he'd say, Oh, I got it off that fellow.

And he goes, Oh, all this embellishing nonsense

with the story.

You shouldn't have bought that.

So he goes, Why?

And he says, It's only albino, innit?

And he's like, What does that mean?

And he said, Oh,

it gets tired.

It's not that good at doing work and that.

You shouldn't have bought this from you.

But elephants back then were like a god.

You know what I mean?

You couldn't say, Oh, I'm sick of this, then I'm going to abandon it or or anything because elephants were seen as like pretty high up on the chain of things.

So they'd end up being stuck with an elephant, that's an albino, couldn't do much, gets tired, basically gets in the way.

So they said, that's where they're saying, like, you know,

got a bit of a white elephant there.

What do you reckon, Rick?

I feel like I haven't been educated.

I feel like I've lost something.

So at a time in my life, I can never get back.

I feel like I've sort of been soiled and I don't know where to start.

I'm angry.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm angry.

Sure, yeah, I can see that.

And all that rubbish around.

Look at his little face.

What was all that shit about a second-hand elephant salesman and his mate knew about elephants?

What are the dad blue eyes?

What are you...

Well, albinos have red eyes for a start.

Oh, that's it.

We've run out of time.

Oh, what?

What?

I mean, what are you going to do about this next week?

Are you going to actually do some educating next week?

And what about rock busters?

Are you going to make the clues proper cryptic clues?

Well, that's the teaser, isn't it?

That's what we'll leave them with.

Will it be any?

Oh, I need some learning.

I need some knowledge, Carl.

Educate me.

Might be able to help you.

We've got three things, as always.

I'll give them a little heading to tease you as to which one you want to learn first.

Yeah.

First one is:

is the tip included?

Is the tip included?

Like it.

Second one, I want to come here in hindsight.

I wouldn't have come here in hindsight?

Yeah.

And the third one, I'm a going to have to thump you.

I'm a going to have to thump you.

And you've trolled what the internet is.

So if I can get into the mindset of this plant, is the tip included?

Well, obviously, that's probably not going to be about a weight.

If that's someone losing the end of his knob, I assume.

I'm a going to have to thump you.

That's a man who lost his arm in a fight, but then picked it up with the other arm and smacked him with it

what was the middle one I want to come here in hindsight hindsight hind hindsight yeah yeah it's someone was blinded by baked beans so what you going for then I think I better go for um

I'm a gun I have to thump you right well this isn't I've been struggling again to be honest with you

searching iron low for stuff and and some of these I had to leave till this morning right because there's just not enough knowledge out in the world is there that you don't know about?

I found out about something in the week about a guy who

was playing tug-of-war.

This is bonus material, isn't it?

He was playing tug-of-war.

Oh, his arm came off.

Only his arm came off.

Yeah, he got caught up in the rope.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

He didn't.

He didn't get caught up in the rope.

He just was trying that hard and didn't want to lose.

He kept holding it.

He allowed his arm to be pulled off.

He really wanted to win.

And

the other team pulled it and his arm came off.

No.

No.

I don't know who to believe.

Well, and think about it.

If he's gripping,

as soon as there's tension, like the arm coming out of the socket, the hand might release.

I think his arm got caught up in the rope.

And so it was involuntary, as opposed to him going, well, my arm's coming off, I'm not going to lose this.

That's the fact that's a bonus fact.

That's educated me.

A man lost his arm.

Oh, interesting.

Go on.

I'm going to have to thump you.

Do you know the saying, shoot your face?

Yeah, I've heard the well-known Shakespeare, innit?

Do you know how it came about?

Uh, no, Joe Dolcey.

Oh, go on.

It's uh

ages ago.

Oh, yeah, literally, literally.

Like knights who wore armour.

Okay.

That's uh armor gonna have to thump you, that's how it came about.

Okay, armour.

Um they they wore all the stuff and they had the helmet and saved the the guard in something at night

stood outside a castle or something and there's probably going to be two of them right so they stood there talking and that

and uh talking about stuff

and the future sort of yeah medieval stuff one of them one of them's like oh we should shut up you know I've been stood here for hours and he's going on and on

so he'd say shut your face

meaning

shut the guard down on your helmet

and I can't hear you then

so shut shut your face shut your face

That's how it came about.

Well, I suppose that's.

It would be interesting if I could just rely on it as well.

I'm not sure it's true.

I know.

I just never know.

It needs to be cooperated.

It's like, I don't know where he got it from, but anything via Carl is precarious.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like maybe you should give us your sources next time.

You know, tell us where it's got it from.

Got it off the internet.

Yeah, but where on the internet?

I can't remember where that one was.

I mean, I always go through like the news pages and stuff, and I can't.

This news should be updated because they've only reached the 17th century, which is last week with people eating tomatoes off the wall.

No blankets, I look at news, and there was stuff about a woman who was in a shop and she,

I don't know, they had some workmen in, workmen in doing the shop up, and they had some wood glue left out, and she asked for some pear juice.

And then the guy went and thought the glue in the thing was the pear juice, and she went and drank that.

But that's not really news.

No.

So I thought, well, we're not really.

I wish you hadn't told us.

There was one about...

So there's some poor woman now whose tiles have fallen off because she tried to put them up with pear juice.

Yeah.

See, that's the that's the danger of mixing up pear juice with toxic glue.

Your wallpaper and your tiles and everything just fall down.

Be careful, everyone.

Be careful.

There's something about kids having hamburgers.

It makes them fat.

Hamburgers.

Hold on.

What?

Having food with high fat content can make you put on weight.

Don't believe it.

You're an idiot.

What's the next one?

No, let's play tune.

You've still got to come.

You've still got.

I want to come here in hindsight.

And you've still got.

Is the tip included?

Carl just

said to me, yeah, here's something.

You can't hold your breath to death.

Have you tried it, Carl?

Just another little lesson.

Because someone here is at a really low end.

They were going to commit suicide.

They just start holding their breath and you know.

Oh, screw it.

Ah!

Ah!

Well, what did you learn in the week, right?

I'm always doing all the educating.

I asked you, you were talking about watching a programme about jellyfish.

Yeah.

And I said, well, that'll be interesting.

I'll try and find some stuff out, but I couldn't find anything that I didn't already know about them.

It must be difficult for you to find anything you don't already know.

So, what what did you learn about jellyfish?

I I agreed with you by the end of it that they should be wiped off the face of the earth because they're balls of water in membrane, right, that go around stinging people to death.

Let's lose them, Carl.

Let's lose the jellyfish.

Yeah?

That's what I think.

I was stung by one.

You know?

You got stung by one?

Yeah, I was on holiday and got stung by one.

Yeah.

And I don't understand.

You don't understand them?

I'm not a fan of them.

So that's that.

So that's sorted out the jellyfish conundrum.

We've solved that particular worry.

Right then, so take your pick then.

I asked him if he could have any animal the other day.

Did I ask him on air as well?

Don't know.

Off air, he said, I've got it down to two.

Right, and this was,

he said, What favourite animal looking at?

Or could I own one?

And I went, you could own one.

And he went, right, but could I own one or would I have I have trouble?

I went, Carl, you've got all the expertise, you can just have it in whatever it needs.

And you go down there.

He went, right,

and I won't regret it and get fed up.

I said, no, Carl, just what animal, if you could have any animal, what animal do you know?

He went, I've got it down to two.

I went, what is it?

He said, either the rhino or the hippo.

What's your logic?

Well, I've

I don't know.

That was then.

I mean, ask me tomorrow.

I might have two other favourites.

Do you know what I mean?

When was that?

A couple of weeks ago.

When was that?

Well, you were there.

Yeah, but, you know.

What are they today?

Quickly now.

First of all, quickly now.

Any animal I want.

You could have any animal in the world.

One that's maybe extinct.

Anything you want.

Right, I might have.

I might.

Just for today.

Just for today.

I might have a scorpion in a little box.

A little scorpion in a box.

What's your thinking?

It's the chimp every time.

It's the chimpanzee or the gorilla.

No.

But have I told you that programme about the scorpion?

How they all help each other out?

Right.

The scorpions all help each other out.

No, no, no, this is brilliant.

Right?

Somewhere in the desert.

Okay.

There's these little monkeys.

There's like these little monkeys that are underground or something.

And there's holes.

Is this beneath the planet of the apes?

The fourth of the series.

Are they talking out?

Forget it, actually.

No, and you've got it wrong anyway.

They're not monkeys.

There's little monkeys under the ghost.

What are they doing then?

They're toiling into underground minds.

They're lizards, if you remember.

And the lizard goes to sleep.

And the bloke comes along.

You've told this.

Monkey.

From monkey.

That's what happens in his mind.

From lizard to monkey.

Oh, evolution would have been so much easier if Carl was around.

But turn it into a monkey.

I'm fed up with a lizard.

Just promise me once again, Carl.

I've asked you before, promise me you'll never have children.

Go on, right, okay.

Right, what are you having?

What are they again?

Is the tip included?

Yeah, go on that one.

Right.

In Turkey.

Nice.

Um, it's not, actually.

That's where I went, and there was them little fellas after Suzanne in the kitchen.

What?

What do you mean?

We stayed in a we went to Turkey.

You went to Turkey and there were some little fellas?

Well, they had quite a few sort of midgets working in the kitchen.

Why?

Is it is it a theme

holiday?

I don't know.

Night get them cheaper or something.

Was it

they were were working in the kitchen and one of them fancied Suzanne kept sort of eyeing her up and she was winding me up saying oh not irring up and down just eyeing her up

no it's like a pick pick what you want to eat type buffy but you have people clearing the tables and that ready for you to come along

tables and uh

and you know he was just keeping an eye on her what did he say though was he what was it was he was Turkish so I don't know what he was saying but he was a was it

a little fellow yeah did he what do you mean a little fella?

What do you mean, little fella?

Sort of dwarf-like.

What do you mean, dwarf-like?

He had magic powers, or he was four-foot.

What do you mean, Carl?

A little bloke, just like a normal bloke, but small.

If you'd stood in the desert, you wouldn't know.

But he'd be hot and then.

Right, Carl.

You should not joke for the monkeys.

Yeah, underground.

There's underground middle.

You can't just say there was a little midget fella who was eyeing up my girlfriend and then leave it.

What do you mean?

What was happening?

This is a story to us.

This is much more interesting to us than and she was deaf right and she ate her head that's much more interesting I don't understand how this how it manifested itself did you come over and say something no do you know you know when it's like girls know don't they when when some someone fancies them what do you mean there was lots of them as well do they that's worth knowing

right come on right so you went into this you went to this holiday yeah and you went into the the what the dining room or something yeah downstairs and you looked over this is all there's no one serving yeah and they go on a minute hold on you looked down and there was a little waiter there was loads loads of them running around busy.

Why, though?

Why?

Because it's summer.

What do you mean?

Because it wasn't.

They had more.

They come out in summer.

They come out in some way.

What do you mean they had more?

What do you mean?

Because it's busy, isn't it?

Why were they all midgets?

I don't know.

Maybe it doesn't heat stunt your growth or something.

No!

Well, they just happened to.

Maybe it was a thing that they did for tourists or something.

I don't know.

I just got on with my meal.

It was a holiday.

Do you know what I mean?

God.

So some midgets serving.

I'm not going to ask any questions.

Right, okay, yeah.

So they're all little fellas running around, and this one always was like, you know, oh, do you want a new server yet?

You know what I mean?

Going out of his way to serve.

So for turning on the jar.

Yeah, he always got out of his way.

The others weren't.

Right.

I think what was happening is he'd been working with Santa all winter.

Little summer break.

This one was your waiter, and so he was being polite to you.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But what did Suzanne say then?

Well, she was using it to wind you up.

What was she saying?

Well, just like, you know, look.

He may be small, but he's

built like a.

Yeah, he's all men.

Were you jealous of a midget then?

You were jealous of a midget.

It is a bit annoying, isn't it?

Why?

It wouldn't bother me as much now, because I've been with her for ages.

Right.

But at the time, that might have been one of our first holidays, and it's like you don't want to

pay for this holiday.

And then you get off with a midget.

So, anyway.

But it doesn't matter because you got chattered by a bearded lady.

Tell you what.

No, that's got nothing to do with that.

What were you going to say?

What were you going to say?

I was going to say the hotel was half-bored, and maybe.

Oh, right.

I thought you were going to say it's just one of her shortcomings.

So, listen, right?

I did one boy.

Born again, right?

Just get this educating Ricky out of the way.

So, Turkey, yeah.

So, what is this again?

Educating Ricky is a tip included.

Apparently, a fellow was on holiday in Turkey.

He's just having a normal holiday.

Weather's good.

You know, he's having a good time in the morning.

Weight is her all-normal height.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's having his meal.

He hears a load of screaming going on in the kitchen.

Has his girlfriend wandered in there?

They do.

With a stepladder.

The circumcised people in the kitchen.

And apparently.

What are you talking about?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, slow down.

We respect that for a minute.

What are you talking about?

I'm excited about two things at once here.

One, they circumcised people in the kitchen.

Two, I guessed it was someone losing the end of their knob.

I started thinking like Carl Pilkington.

Extraordinary.

That is amazing.

Apparently, it was going on.

It wasn't just a one-off either.

Well, when I say a one-off, I mean they did it more than once.

And

it was there for a week, and apparently, the first night it was quiet, and then the rest of the week, every day, it'd be like having his breakfast, or even his lunch, or even his tea.

He'd be doing it all day.

You'd be here in Spain.

Lunch and breakfast, fair enough for it.

Isn't it tea time?

Don't do that.

And apparently, it's a tradition over there.

You can't even make a complaint about it.

It's like, well, you should have, you know, should have found out before come over it.

See, I can't believe this is.

Sorry, I can't believe this.

He was in a restaurant in a hotel and there were people having circumcisions in the kitchen.

I'm even worried that we're bordering on the racist here, suggesting that that is positioned that Turkish people cut the end of their cocks off in the kitchen

at meal times.

I think you're wrong, Carl.

This just sounds ludicrous, Carl.

No, I don't think it happens everywhere.

Right.

I think this is

this hotel.

Certain places.

Certain hotels.

Certain hotels.

What is it?

Like two-star?

Yeah.

Why did he go to the Fallskin Inn?

It was his own fault, wasn't it?

Sorry, that's it, is it?

Have they clued?

That's the story.

You educated me.

Right?

Once a fella saw some Turkish people cutting the tip of their normal kitchen.

Thanks very much.

Thanks very much, Carl.

Got any more?

Well, there's things you can learn from it.

Either don't go to Turkey.

No!

Don't have calamari when you're over there.

Carl.

Okay, Carl, one more.

Can we just...

Don't get the ump just because so far you come up with nothing.

What's the last one?

Give us the teaser clue.

It was,

I want to come here in hindsight.

I wouldn't have come here in hindsight.

Yeah.

Right, give me some education.

This would be the thing that teaches me something.

I can feel it in my bones.

Come on.

There's a kid in Kenya.

He was messing about with some beans.

Magic.

We guessed that as well.

You did, yeah.

He's fed up because we've guessed his puns, I think.

He put one of them in his ear.

Yeah.

The mum or the dad said, oh, what have you done that for, or whatever?

So I'll have to take you to the doctor's now.

So they took the kid to the doctor's.

And the doctor said, oh, he said, I can get that out.

I can sort that out out for you.

So he took it out, and the doctor said, Right, that's £3.50.

And the dad said, I've only got £2.70 on me.

And the doctor said, Right, well, and he put the bean back in his kids' ear.

I don't know what to say.

I mean, I don't know what to say.

I mean, a couple of questions for me very quickly.

Are you sure that those were definitely the sums involved with them?

Well, the equivalent of whatever the deal with in Kenya.

It was the equivalent of £3.15, $2.75.

So, what currency was it, Carl, that you translated into sterling?

I don't know.

No, it was saying in the thing, it said the equivalent of

the.

Did it say that?

Yeah.

Carl, look at me.

Look at me.

Did it say that?

Yeah, it said

that was the.

Did it say that?

Yeah.

Yeah, it did.

It definitely said that.

Definitely.

Yeah.

So it's just like, I suppose,

I don't know.

I mean, all these things,

the idea is, it's not like a lesson.

It's like, I'll tell you this, see what you can get from it.

Sure.

So, look at what I've told you already.

The knights who said, shut your face, that's like

that explains itself.

Yeah.

Turkey with the circumcisions in a restaurant.

Yeah.

And that'll hold me in good stead.

Yeah, go ahead.

Don't go there, whatever.

This one,

if you're in, can you don't put beans in your ears or something?

Doctor's.

Or carry £3.50 or the equivalent of.

It's just the idea that the doctor put it back in his ear.

He forced it back in his ear.

So is it still there to this day?

I mean, is there any update on that stuff?

Or did he go back with the £350?

I presume he either went and got a second opinion, see if he could get it cheaper for another doctor.

Or he said, right, I'll come back next week after I've been paid.

Or he saw how the doctor did it and thought, well, I'll have a go at that.

Shall I get home?

Yeah, for free.

But he never said

how it ended.

No, no.

But, I mean, I apologise for this week's.

I mean,

I haven't got that much out of it.

Coming up on the show, we've got Educating Ricky.

I'm not happy with this.

Oh, really?

Because the last few weeks have been genius.

What is the dropping quality of the education of me?

Well, it's just, like I said, I've wasted a lot of time this week searching on the web, right?

You wasted a lot of time searching on the web because you come up with things that aren't true.

Won't you look in books and verified sort of like journals?

Where is the new book, though, innit?

No.

The where is the news?

The new book.

That's what we're going wrong.

So I've been searching.

Is Ali anything?

I spoke to you in the week

about Monday or Tuesday.

What did you say?

There's nothing happened this week in the world.

There's nothing going on.

There was a new car wash that you can can put dogs in.

There was a car wash you can put dogs in?

That's the only thing that's happened in the world.

And that and the jellyfish.

And we've covered that.

So.

Could you just quickly tell us about the car wash with the dog in it?

I don't know what's going on.

That didn't make the topic.

I didn't waste that much time on it, to be honest.

It just said,

you know, how busy are you?

Have you got a dog?

How about saving some time?

There's some car wash out.

It's not a car wash, it's dog wash.

You take it down there, put your coin in, put your dog in, and it comes out clean.

See, there's nothing in it.

Is this is this called a bath, isn't it?

No, but it's like a machine.

Right.

There's a machine.

But but we'll li you know, that's why I didn't pick it.

Carl, come on in.

I need some education.

I know it's rockbusters.

I need education.

I need somebody.

But we've promised the rock busters.

Educating Ricky, I will be ditching before Christmas.

Why?

It will be going.

Why?

'Cause there's nothing outside.

It's just struggling.

I was thinking on the way in today, today, I can either do

doing something more with Steve because we've done like the Ricky angle.

Either we can do...

Educating Steve?

No, either like a bit of a call my bluff type thing, but it's like a con merchant and I have to like trick you.

Okay, so I'm the con and you're the merchant.

And then, or I was thinking something that you just do, do some work and you have a moan for a bit.

And

that's like a wine merchant.

You just like whine on about something.

again,

doesn't it?

You've worked like that first.

Yeah, that's like I told you I've come up with a couple of sitcoms for me.

One is I've got an imaginary navy called Merchant's Navy, just

a navy in it, and the premise is I've got a navy, and another one is I live in

the

if you've got any ideas there, Carl, that would be much appreciated.

Another one is I live in quite a salubrious part of North London, and that's called Merchant of Little Venice.

And I live in Little Venice.

Again, I don't know what happens.

I don't know what happens, but

any ideas, Carl?

I've got one when I play an Italian waiter, and it's called Shut Up of Java.

Yep.

So that's the one we're working on there, actually, to follow up with the office.

Do you like that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll do something with that.

We have still got educating Ricky.

Let's have one.

I'll give you the title.

Give me the titles, yeah, right, yeah.

Right, you've got three bits of info that's gone on in the world or

possibly sort of info.

older times.

We never go further back than the 17th century, do we?

Well, no,

let's make it clearer.

There's three bits of information that people have put on the net, whether or not they're true.

And that he still gets it a little bit wrong in translation and sort of adds bits to it.

Yeah.

Go on.

So we've got.

I love it when he plays out those historical dialogues.

It's like the 15th century when he goes, so anyway, a bloke says to himself, I'll tell you what, I'll do.

So the horse isn't happy.

Yeah, go on.

Right, so the three that you've you've got to pick from, you've got uh get your kit on, we're off down the butchers.

Yeah, well, get your kit on, we're off down the butchers, yeah.

We've got um Wash Up With You.

Wash up with you.

Wash up with you.

And uh the last one I couldn't really think of a good title for, so it's just uh why don't they just get a diary or some paper or something?

It's mine, Steve's favourite bit of the whole show.

This is what we do this show for now: educating Ricky.

Yeah, go for it, Carl.

Who said that learning can't be fun?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, I'll go for the one.

What's the one about the butcher going down the butcher's shop?

You've got to get your kit on, we're off down the butcher's.

Yeah.

You're going for that one?

Yeah.

Well, do you know the saying

don't let the cat out of the bag?

Yeah.

Do you know do you know what it means?

Yeah, don't give away a secret.

Right.

Well, do you know how it came about?

No.

Well.

Ages ago.

Before.

Ages ago.

17th century?

Yeah, before like.

Yeah, yeah, 17's good.

Yeah.

Before like, you know, proper butchers and Jewests and supermarkets and that used to get these blokes who who sold meat.

Right.

Right.

Butchers they were called then, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

But the difference was they didn't stay in the same place, they moved about.

Right, so they'd they'd turn up on a street corner, right?

And he'd have like loads of carrier bags of like carrier bags, yeah, with you know, with meat in and that, and people would plastic carrier bags, yeah, with mobile butcher on them, yeah, yeah, right.

So, uh,

yeah, go on.

People went, right, yeah, I need some meat, right?

So they'd go up to this bloke and say, what have you got?

And he'd say, well, I've got a, I've got a, you know, you can have a bag full of pig, or you can have a

whatever, a bag full of chicken, whatever.

And they'd go, yeah, how much?

They go, you know, call it call it a fiver, whatever.

And they'd buy them,

and to make more money, they didn't always fill the bag with what they said was in it.

I thought that might be the case.

Right?

So, what they did.

But I don't see what.

Okay, so sometimes they would put a cat in the bag and pretend it was chicken or whatever else.

Yeah, so.

But why is a cat any cheaper than a chicken?

Because cats are wandering around the streets, aren't they?

Chickens aren't.

So they'd get a chicken, they'd put a chicken on the top so that when they look in it, they'd go, yeah, that's alright.

Got a bag full of chicken, they'd get home to make the dinner.

And they'd be like, what are we having tonight?

And they'd go, well, you'll never guess.

And they'd have like, you know, well, you can have a chicken leg.

And, you know,

it would be good.

But they'd have to defrost a pizza.

Yeah.

Did they mind that they were eating cat then?

In those days?

He didn't say.

He just was saying about the saying,

don't let the cat out of the bag.

It's like, you know,

if they see see that, they're gonna go mad.

I'm mildly disappointed with this story.

It's alright if it's true, but you know, there's something about it.

It's just

I want to know more.

He always leaves you.

Is it Carl doesn't quench your thirst for knowledge, he creates more.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Well, yeah, he's like the pot noodle of information.

Yeah, do you know he never I want to go?

I've got nourished by it.

It's like if he for every fact he tells me, there's ten others that spring up that I have to get clear.

So it was the people that were doing this.

this, it was the dodgy butchers that coined this phrase.

Were they saying to each other, don't let the cat out of the back?

I.e., what I mean by that, Jack, is don't let them see the cat what we've stuffed in there.

Dodgy butcher, there's another phrase, isn't it?

So that's the first one.

Is that a euphemism or is that?

Yeah, dodgy butcher.

As his meat delivered around the back, sure.

So

that's that one.

So let's get your kit on the stand.

It's a euphemism for homosexuality.

Okay.

And meat, presumably, in that, means different things.

It doesn't,

it's a word that is also a male word.

It doesn't mean chicken or cat, necessarily, in that context.

Well, I suppose it could.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Carl's look just looks.

Look at him.

Carl looks at you like a cat.

Whenever we leave him behind, if we don't talk straight at him and let him see our lips moving, and it's, you know, monosyllabic and very easily done.

Look, he's lost in that conversation there.

You just drifted off, didn't you, Carl?

No, I just was also thinking thinking on animals and that, something else I was going to use.

Go on.

Was

this a radio show, is it?

I just suddenly caught myself.

This is nothing.

I've told you that before.

It's been bad today.

No, but I mean, it's the way, this casual way that it's like we almost have no regard for our listener.

And I'm not proud of that.

I just don't know what to do about it.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't know how to do this properly.

I mean...

We're just chatting here.

It's only Anderson who's seen through us.

And that surprises me that more people haven't.

I mean, what are the figures like?

Do people listen to this show?

I'll find out for you.

You keep saying that, but um,

yeah, there's this parrot, and uh,

apparently,

I mean, it's unique if nothing else.

I mean, when you wake up, we've woken tomorrow, you're not even gonna hear him start a lie with it.

There is this parrot, go on, there is this parrot, yeah, go on, and it can talk and that.

Someone's obviously you know, tore it out, speaking that, and um,

it flew away

and it's living in this church.

And people are at the church doing hymns and that.

Trouble's brilliant.

In between.

If that parrot was owned by an old miner who used to swear a lot, then the vicar

is going to be really annoyed.

That vicar.

That vicar's going to.

Go on.

I just hope it stays quiet, Rick, during the vicar's sermons.

Yeah, go on.

Have you read it?

No, go on.

Have you read it?

Because that's what happens when it's going to be.

During the hymns, it's sort of effing and jeffing and stuff.

Effing and jeffing.

And everyone's like going, oh, you know, it's quite funny, really.

It doesn't know what it's doing.

Everyone's having a laugh.

But it's causing a havoc at funerals.

When did this happen?

Not years ago.

John was a much loved man.

Even Ranker.

So, anyway, so that was another song.

What can you say about Uncle John?

Bollocks.

Oh, Carl,

I love the fact that when you look at things, you go, that's interesting.

The power that swears at funerals.

That would be amazing.

And it stays with you.

You see, for a simple man, you retain an awful lot of knowledge.

It's just all rubbish.

Do you know what I mean?

If you just replaced all this rubbish with good stuff, you'd be an intellectual, really.

Because, I mean, your attention is fantastic.

Did I lose you again there, did I?

Was it the word retention?

Right, Carl, come on in.

Educating Ricky.

So don't let the cat out of the bag, that's where that comes from.

Comes from a crafty butcher.

Right, go on in.

So the next little headline is

wash up with you.

Wash up with you, go on.

You want to know about that?

Yes.

It's a survey that they did.

Survey that they did this week.

They?

Yeah,

some university did some survey.

Brilliant.

Did a world test on washing up.

And each country were given 140 pots to clean.

Brits were the quickest.

Turkey were the slowest washing up.

The Turks.

It's not because the little fellas that work in the kitchens were no, is it?

Big outreach.

Spain.

Spain were the cleanest, and the Germans were pretty good as well.

I don't know where to start with this.

Honestly, Steve, I don't know where to start with that.

Look at this.

It was really light, right?

We've had the parrot, right?

These are things that I found.

Found the parrot, right?

I've told you about the dog in the car wash.

Right, you didn't tell me about that.

You said there's a car wash for a dog.

That's all you told me.

Yeah, but the parrot, you said there's a parrot.

What?

It's a problem at funerals.

That's nothing.

That's nothing.

That's nothing.

Do you understand?

And

they used to eat cats.

What else have we got?

There's an elephant in India with sore feet.

Why?

There's an elephant in India with sore feet.

I'm interested.

Why?

Why?

I don't know.

What are you talking about?

Come on, come on, what is it?

What is it?

Think.

It's an elephant, and it was really old.

It was about 76.

Right.

And it had sore feet because it's old and

the roads are bad and that.

So they said, what are we going to do?

And the town was like, oh, you know, we're used to seeing it around.

It's part of the thing.

You know, we don't want it to have sore feet.

So they got some slippers made for it,

and it had like a picture of the elephant looking happy, wearing some slippers.

I love him!

I love Carl, his world.

Where did you see this picture?

That was on the internet, right?

That's a lesson, though, for any elephants listening.

You know, don't wear stilettos to work if you're not because you can do your feet in.

So,

don't elephants have really bad memories?

No, they have really big memories.

Oh, do they?

Oh, that's good then.

No, I just thought they forget where they put them.

I thought there was something about elephants having bad memories on that.

It goes on, where's my f slippers?

I saw it left them by the test.

So, sorry, there's a leather walk around wearing slippers.

Yeah, yeah, there's that that's in NGS.

Those sort of old man ones with the sort of chef in the middle.

Well, round ones, I imagine.

Yeah, yeah, big round ones.

There was that going on.

And is it happening?

Is it happier?

I mean, does it feel more locked to it?

Looked it.

Did it look it?

Don't go and tell the elephants, please.

What else is there?

There was a woman who's had a breast insured for 150 grand.

Right.

Okay.

Information then?

What?

Third-party fire and theft?

Dunno, it just

had a picture of her with them, like, you know, out.

I just thought, yeah, he should get them covered.

He's done another real joke.

That's a proper joke.

He's look at his little face, he smiles.

I'd like to see you on one of the sort of TV panel games.

If they could bring back sort of celebrity squares, he'd be amazing as the centre square.

Oh, that would be incredible.

Or on Countdown in Dictionary Corder.

Dictionary.

I imagine him in Dictionary Corder.

I come up with cat.

Yeah.

Memblent.

Yeah, what does that mean, Carl?

Just anything you want it to mean.

And what I've got, there's a dog that's got a cough in Singapore because it smokes 20 a day.

Right, okay, another one.

No, no, no, no.

That's the last one in it, so I'm going to say that the last one we've got is where I don't discuss.

Sorry, what was that?

Wash up with you.

That was it.

But they put they.

Was that it?

The survey of washing pots in mind.

I didn't understand it.

You said Italy were the cleanest.

No, Spain.

No, Brits were the quickest.

Yeah, we were the quickest, but Italy was the

Turkey were the slowest.

Spain were the cleanest.

But why weren't we clean then?

Because we were washing it.

Why were we not paying attention to the colours?

We did it rubbish.

We did it quick.

We did it quickly, but

who was doing it?

Was it Annette Newman or Ainsley Howard?

She's quick.

Both of them are quick.

Yeah.

Well, they've got like kind of slaves that do it for them.

Did we use fairy liquid?

Dunno.

Did we use a whole bunch of boyscotts?

I didn't say that.

I just

It just said,

you know, that, that, that.

Who had the softest hands?

So it didn't.

It doesn't say it, anyway.

Why is it we don't get notified that this is taking place?

I don't know.

When I was a kid, no one ever said, you know, we need recruits because we're doing a survey on who can wash up the quickest.

Are you disappointed yourself with that one, Carl?

It is pretty dull, to be fair.

And that is why we've got to bring in either Con Merchant

or a wine merchant or set up a device.

Yeah.

Would you be able to if I asked if I put you on the spot in the next sort of after the next record would you be able to give an example of how corn merchant would work I mean is there something you could do just to sort of explain

record should we play record

I can do better than that what ads go on we're doing educating Ricky right final one come on Carl right what was it it was uh

why don't they just get a diary or some paper or something to write on yeah yeah because

I couldn't well I couldn't think of a heading for it it's basically uh

people who have tattoos I've never understood it right?

That they have something put on their arm.

Well, sorry, have we started the educator?

Is this part of it?

Are you educating me?

This is something that will be useful in my life that I didn't know about.

Yeah.

Go on.

No, it's just that they've got a machine now

that does tattoos.

Tattoos.

You come up with a design you want, and you sort of this machine scans it and

you put your arm in this thing and you press print or whatever, and then it does the tattoo on your hand or on your hand.

What like loads of little needles that follow a pattern on the computer?

Basically, yeah.

Is it a real tattoo?

It's a proper tattoo.

It's a proper one.

The fella said

as long as it goes like it pierces the skin with a

skin.

No, it must be lots of little needles or a moving needle that can clean up.

How is this cleaned?

Like in between each person?

Dunno, probably.

I don't know.

Well, no, it's only that if if it's one needle, it's just the head, isn't it?

If it's one needle that moves, does it like a

like loads of little.

What are we gaining from a a machine doing it?

Just because you know they're gonna sort of mess it up.

But hold on, how do you keep your arm still?

'Cause your skin moves slightly.

It's sort of strapped to your arm.

Right.

And the fella said that the tricky thing was in all this it was the fact that um you know nobody would let him test it out on anyone else so he had to do it himself.

But did it work?

Because the thing is with a tattoo eye they can see when your skin's moving, they can see what they've done, and they keep wiping it and looking.

Whereas a machine's just got to trust itself.

So I think one needle

could go wrong.

If it's a lot on the it just came down, like you know, a thousand needles that was an imprint.

Yeah,

but

obviously I'm asking someone who hasn't delved any further than there's a machine that can give you a tattoo.

That's all you've got at the moment, isn't it?

Well, I'm yeah, basically.

That's what you've got.

I mean, that's what I've got because I'm not a fan of tattoos.

I don't.

But where did you read this again?

This was

on the internet.

Yeah, yeah, it was, yeah.

And I just don't understand why people do it.

That's what got me attention.

Because me.

So,

what have I learned from this?

That if you wanted to get one, you know, you can get one done by a machine now.

You know, people say machines are sort of taking over and that.

And there's another one.

But it's just the fact, I mean, I don't know.

So give us the snappy title of this educational.

Why don't they just get a diary or some paper or something to write it on?

That's what I always think.

When I see people with loads of tattoos, like there's that fellow who we were talking about the other week in Scotland who was covered 99% in tattoos.

It's just like, what have you done that for?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

You can't get rid of it now.

You've done it now.

One of my uncles, right, Tattoo Stan,

he's just caped to them.

Right.

I don't think he's my proper uncle, but it's just like, my dad's got.

Tattoo Stan.

No, my dad's got got a bad.

That's a province in Russia, isn't it?

My dad's got loads of mates who are.

When do you say he's not your proper uncle?

Do you know how, like, when someone comes on?

He's my uncle Stan.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

And there's like, there was my dad had loads of mates like that.

There was John the Screw.

Right.

So he either worked in a prison or he liked to have sex.

Cabby.

Cab driver.

Okay.

There was Jimmy the hat.

I don't know what he was.

Jimmy the Hat.

Yeah.

And

no.

No.

There was

there was fred the veg

sorry fred the veg used to get us like big bags of potatoes and that fred veg yeah okay and there was there was tattoo stan and he was just cake to them and i used to always look at him thinking why have you done that i must have only been like you know so i suppose if you're born with a name like tattoo stan

you're destined

really like a 1950s gang i'm worried about like i'm worried about doing a bank job what was his name the hat what was his name jimmy the hat i'm worried about jimmy the hat not having a hat.

I don't understand it.

Are you sure he didn't have a hat?

Not when I met him.

Did he ever wear a hat?

I didn't see him like much.

Do you think it was a joke like, you know, when your mate's sort of like, you know, eight foot and huge, you call him Little John or Tiny?

Do you think?

Well, the fact that he never wore a hat.

Yeah, they went, hold on, I've noticed something about Jim.

Go on.

No hat.

And I go,

true, let's call him Jim the Hat.

Jimmy the hat, yeah.

But my uncle Stan, he had like loads of them.

He did them himself.

Oh, dear.

And And it was always things.

What was it, things like it was that he had like the cross cut here,

made in Britain.

And

if you're going to do them yourself, I'd say at least make sure you're good, you're sort of a good drawer.

Yeah, and don't do it in the mirror so it comes out backwards.

Well, that was the other thing.

But like, I remember he did, um, I mean, names are all right.

He had like all his kids' names down his arm.

What are they called?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Stan Jr.

Yeah.

And Paul Shit's to bed.

And Charter.

Oh, Wabai K.

Yeah, yeah.

Frankie never amounts to anything.

Oh, God.

So he had like...

Johnny, I don't think he's mine.

So he did all this stuff.

I don't even know what I'm telling you about, Tatu Star.

No, nor do I, Carl.

Hey, to be honest.

I don't know that if...

I don't know if...

Maybe you just have to picture this, but my sister had to take a photo once.

She was working in like a factory.

Not to denigrate people who work in factories, but there happened to be a particularly odd ball, kind of lank-haired, weird guy working in this factory.

And he made his own, he did his own tattoos.

And she took a photo of it because she was so extraordinary.

He'd drawn it himself.

Now, bear in mind, it was the kind of thing you saw when you were doing art when you were like 15.

This was the sort of person who designed their own

heavy rock album cover.

He's that sort of person.

You're not far off, Rick.

No.

You're not far off.

I'll tell you what it was.

He had this tattoos on his back.

It took up his entire back.

She took a photo of it for me.

He drew it himself.

He had it tattooed himself.

And it was just too much detail.

Too much detail for a tattoo.

It needs to be fairly simple, I think, to make it clear.

It was

a naked female vampire having a shower.

Why was she having this shower?

Had a shower.

That's why she was naked.

Yeah.

And so she had

she was presumably

been out in a lot of blood.

Yeah, well,

she was naked, so you could see

her naked body.

She's quite a beautiful vampire, relatively speaking.

Although the symmetry of her face was somewhat off.

The only thing I think that gave her a bad spine was that

she did have some pointed teeth.

I think that was how you knew she was a vampire.

Was she looking at the brain?

And the fact that she was having a shower was very interesting, isn't it?

He said to the eyes, listen, I want a naked bird, right?

But I don't want it to be gratuitous.

And he goes, well, you can put her in the shower, because then they went, pop her her in the shower.

That leads gives some kind of a picture.

Yeah, that's the show.

That's the plot.

I mean, you know, it's justified within the story if she's in a shower.

Sure, sure.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll have that.

Carl.

So.

Yeah.

Okay.

Any other nicknames your friends of your family had?

What was your nickname, Carl?

Just Pilky.

Because for a minute, I thought Carl the Veg would have made a lot of sense.

Yeah, Carl the Veg.

And

why has your dad got a little tattoo dopey twat on his arm?

Can I just interrupt you guys?

Because we've just had an email here.

I hate to query you, Carl, and you're educating Ricky section because I know you put a lot.

Don't read this, let me just read it for you.

Just an email here from Olivia, and this has also been corroborated by someone else.

I forget who it was.

She just tuned in, and she just heard you explaining the expression letting the cat out of the bag.

So it's all to do with cats that were put in bags by dodgy butchers, possibly the 17th century, we're not too sure.

Anyway, she claims, well, let me see.

She says she uses both the words twaddle and crap

in relation to your definition.

She says, letting the cat out of the bag is an old shipping expression from when sailors used to get flogged for their misdemeanours.

The cat

is the cat of night tales, of which it was a kind of whip thing that they used to keep hanging in a bag below deck.

If it was discovered that a sailor had done something wrong, the cat would be let out of the bag and you'd get a whipping.

Hence, don't let the cat out of the bag.

You need to cover something up with the bad.

She's talking nonsense.

No, she's not.

She's the truth.

Because the one I read about that was there's not enough room in here to swing a cat, right?

And that was people who worked on a boat.

Yeah, but that's the same way.

Well, that's fine, they're just functions for the people.

It's not going to keep going on about people working on a boat to get their own.

You can't have two crazies about the same thing.

They're not going to deal with their time.

Think how many metaphors have birds in them.

And, you know, it's ridiculous.

Why can't you have you can have as many sounds as you like about anything, Carl?

There's not a rule.

They don't go, we've made one up about the cat and nine towns.

Well, cheers for that, Oliver.

Olivia.

Olivia.

Don't see your email coming up with the rock busters' answers.

So

you got to give us the answers.

Let's give them out.

The first one was.

He wanted to stop educating Ricky because nothing had happened.

He said, He said, Look what happened last week.

I scoured the net.

He said, all I found was a dog in a car wash and a parrot and a vicar.

I tell you what, there ain't much more going on this week.

We are talking sh what, listen, me and Steve, yesterday, we took a day off to prove you wrong, wrong, and we've come up with two of the most incredible things I told you about, and they're amazing.

So, there are things out there, or was it just, but just go for truth, go for truth and science, and discovery.

The fact is strange than fiction, you don't have to

revert to sort of like God and ghosts.

I know, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But the funny thing is, you know, like last couple of weeks, I've been saying there's not much going on.

Yeah, I found out when I was looking that there was a day in 1930, right?

It was a good Friday, there was no news, there was nothing going on.

They had to put a music video on or something on the telly because there was nothing going on

with the educating Ricky, but you know.

Let's see.

Let's see.

You've got three titles

that I tease you with.

Different stories.

You take your pick, and I teach you something that did happen.

A little bit of venom.

Yeah, go on.

The first one is don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher.

I bet that's beacon-related, knowing you.

You've got enough is anus.

Say that again.

Enough is a

anus.

Enough is enough.

Wow.

But it's changed to enough is an anus.

Yeah, and you've got.

You've also got

will it be a bloke?

Oh, oh no.

Will it like a bloke or a woman?

What?

Will it like a bloke or a woman?

Will it?

Yeah.

Will it like a bloke or a woman?

Wow.

Yeah, so there you three stories.

Okay.

Well, that sounds good.

So, um,

three stories.

Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher.

Enough is a nurse.

And we'll have that one then.

That one.

Yeah.

Right, well,

do you believe in palm reading and stuff now?

Yes.

Sorry, yes.

Sorry, I forgot.

Yes, of course we do.

Right, well, there's a fellow who

he used to do palm reading.

But a lot of people, he found that when he went up to him in the street and said, Do you want your palm reading?

He was like, a lot of them were like, You know, oh,

you know, I'm a bit ashamed of my nails and stuff because they're a labourer or they're a cleaner or something like that.

I know a lot of labourers are slightly embarrassed by their nails.

No, but

look at my bloody hands, Reg.

That's that hod carrying.

Did I ever tell you that I got picked at school to

make tea and serve biscuits to old people because I've got good nails?

No, go on, because I already walked in the story.

Oh, that's about it.

I mean, it'd be, we used to do like, I think the ad teacher must have been getting something, maybe getting his mum in there for free or something in this old people's home.

So, um,

so

he offered the kids at the school.

Uh, he said, Right, all

sit at your desk and put your hands on the table.

And everyone did.

And he walked past mine, he said, Not bad, not bad.

And he said, You've got the afternoon off.

You can go and serve biscuits and tea to the old people.

What did you say?

I said, alright then.

Yeah.

Good afternoon.

But anyway, so

what did he do?

He just sort of walked around and went, You alright, do you want Bourbons or Daija?

I'd bet you'd get on with old people, wouldn't you?

I'd love to see you.

Especially the senile one.

Yeah.

No, but I'd love to see you on VH1.

Just in a link.

They just go, you know, they've just played

Robert Palmer, right?

And it comes to you in a little park and you just sit next to an old lady and go, all right?

And you you go, yeah, not too bad.

You go, what do you think of London?

Crap, innit?

And she goes, yeah, it's awful, innit?

And you just gather talk, and you go, all right, well, she doesn't like it in excess.

That's what I'd like to see.

I still think my idea is better.

So, what are you going for then?

Oh, you've picked one, haven't you?

Yeah, so this fellow.

So, there's Palmists going around the streets.

Yeah, he's going around and

they're losing money and overfist.

Yeah.

Alright, so

they said

he's reading people's

bottoms now.

Sorry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't quite follow that.

He was a palm reader.

That wasn't making money.

So now he's going up to people in the street and saying, can I see your arse?

Basically, yeah.

So from being a palmist to an arsonist?

Well, they just.

That's what he does.

He said there's the same sort of lines and that you get on your hand.

You get them on your bottom.

And he can read them.

Right.

Yeah, he's not a pervert or anything or making up as he goes along no that's that's it that was that so sorry if a man came up to you in the street and said can i have a look at your ass can i read your ass

you'd you'd drop your trousers would you no no no if he went up to them and they said oh i'd rather you didn't because i'm a labourer i've got bad fingernails no that's why i've seen that's what the a lot of labourers they're showing their cleavage you think but actually they're having their ass red absolutely that's a lot of that's what it is and then right so is that the end of the story yeah but then because that's it educating ricky Ricky is there to bloke who reads arses.

No, but you're a mentalist.

What are you talking about?

But then, do you know, like, now and again, I come up with a little jokey line.

I thought I'd make an effort today for VH1 or MTV.

Yeah.

Little line there.

Don't worry, it won't last.

It might just be a splash in the pan.

Okay.

Phil Collins next.

Yes, Joey, just take some Phil.

So,

we've got to get that out of here.

Carl Zane Pilkington.

Educating Ricky, will we carry on?

Yeah.

Right, you've got left.

Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher.

And

will it like fellas or will it like women?

Well, you said wool before.

Yeah, wool it.

Go on and I have wool it.

Right, now this is similar to the one you were talking about before, right?

They found out that

they

scientists, scientists,

have found out

that,

like now, one in ten rams are gay.

One in ten Rams are gay.

Yep.

Yeah.

So that was like, woolly.

That's how I could get that in.

They got a load of gay and straight Rams.

Right.

Right.

They worked out which were which first.

They said, right, that's that bunch there is a gay bunch.

They looked better, they just had more pride in their appearance.

And the other ones, you know, the straight ones.

And then they gave them to this scientist and said, right, go on, do what you've got to do.

And they took the brains out of all of them.

Just to check.

And they did tests on the brain, and it worked out that they've got something smaller in the brain.

The gay ones have got something in the brain that makes it smaller.

And they said, right, well, that's probably how it's going to work on males, on like males, and females and like humans.

So, you took from this that

gays have smaller brains than straight people?

No, there's something in the brain.

So, if someone's saying,

you know, I'm a gay, or they're not sure or whatever, they will now be able to find out.

So you can go to the doctor to find out if you're straight or gay.

Is there any gay in my brain?

Let's have a look.

You've got a little bit of a gay in you, yes, a little bit of gay in there.

Yes, you've got the

little bent cell there.

Well,

that's why they did it anyway.

I don't understand how they could differentiate which was straight and which were gay to begin with before they then gave it to the scientist.

Wasn't that what the scientists figured out?

How could they tell?

There's one theory that is genetically determined.

There is a theory that's genetically determined, but I don't think it's as easy as pulling a sheep's brain apart and finding a little pink sort of like blob in there and going, right, we've taken the guy out, now he's going to go and shag some ewes.

I don't think it's that straightforward.

Although

homosexuality does occur at a similar sort of rate in animals, I think.

Yeah.

You knew that, didn't you?

So that's that one.

I mean,

I just like the idea of the farmer figuring out which is straight and gay.

Well, that one's wearing quite a camp-looking neckerchief, isn't it?

Yeah, so I'm thinking maybe.

Isn't that, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love the fact they can.

Okay,

that was a big fan of Sophie Elliott Spexter.

They put on ABBA and see which ones dance.

That's how they can.

They put on Barbara Streiser and see which ones sing along.

It is rubbish.

What did I find out?

Did you just say that is rubbish?

No, I found out other stuff in the week that didn't make the top three.

Wow, wow.

We haven't even had the this must be mediocre stuff.

This must be really bad.

Yeah, or it might be dubious.

Go on.

There's a woman in Ireland

who has been with a fella for 11 years.

She always was saying to him, you know,

when are we going to get married and that?

And he's like, oh, we don't need to.

You know, we're happy and that.

You know, like I am with Suzanne, it's like, there's no point really.

Unless you have a kid, I don't think you need to, do you?

So

he was like, we'll do it in time, in time, and all that.

Anyway, he comes home from work one day.

He says, oh, go on, then we'll get married.

She was so shocked, her hair fell out.

Did you get that?

Wow.

That's extraordinary.

And what did he say?

Oh, not marrying you, Baldy.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

she was so shocked her hair fell out.

I love the idea of it just going to the ground.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What else?

That's rubbish.

That's rubbish.

That's rubbish.

Next.

You've also got.

It's weird, isn't it, Rick?

That the stories that we made up are more plausible than the facts we actually give.

I think we tried too hard.

I think we tried too hard.

That's what he's willing to believe.

He's willing to believe that a woman's hair fell out when her husband came out saying, let's get married then.

Or you're all romantic.

Yeah, then, here's a good one.

Go ahead, then.

Right, in Dubai, this woman went to Dubai for a holiday

and

she was over there and apparently in the markets.

Buy this?

They sell lizards.

Oh, God.

Right, just like for people to buy.

So she buys one, not knowing that you're not really meant to take them out of the country.

Sure.

Puts it in a bag.

Yeah.

As you do.

What have you?

And then she gets to the airport when she's going home.

She's thinking, I can't really leave it in my bag.

So she puts it on her head.

Where's her head?

Wears it as a hat.

She wore the lizard as a hat.

Yeah.

People on the plane were just like, yeah, everything's fine.

You know, they're doing the cross-checks and that.

Have you got your seatbelt on?

Yeah.

There's a woman there with a lizard hat.

Everything's going well.

She gets off the plane at Manchester Airport.

Lizard sticks its tongue out.

The air hostess says, What are you doing with that?

She goes, I've had it.

I've had it.

Lizard said, I just found her in Dubai.

They said, I've had this with me all journey.

And they said, well, you shouldn't have done.

And they took it off her.

Yeah, I think that is true, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, what about that?

Yeah, good, yeah.

Yeah.

That educated me.

Right, what anymore?

Well, what's that taught you?

That's taught you, you know, be careful when smuggling

some kind of hat.

Yeah, just say lizard, creep your tongue in, you quack.

Not at the customs officer.

Yeah.

And uh what else have you got?

Anyone didn't quite make it?

Anything to declare?

Oh!

I've got a lizard on my list.

We've got an old saying one if you want that.

Go on then.

Are these ones?

Sorry, are these ones that didn't make the list?

These are the ones that didn't make it.

Oh, right, huh?

Because I always get more in than I need to, just in case.

Just think if someone's just tuned in now.

Is Anders listening?

Well, I'll tell you, Dickie Anderson.

I've got an email from Richard Anderson, Dickie Anderson.

Go on.

The dick machine, which the big dick, the big dick, which is no, this is interesting.

I mean, I think we're wearing him down.

Ricky, I think your show might be improving.

Go on.

That sense of despair and loneliness I normally feel when listening to your show doesn't seem so bad today.

He's desensitised to it.

Yeah,

he's we're we're we're wearing him down.

Oh, he's just giving up.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you listen to us long enough on your stand.

Right, so let's get out of this house.

We've got one more

educating Ricky to.

Go on and quick then.

I need educating.

Right.

Don't rub it too hard.

You'll get a rusher.

How is he going to outwit Darren Brown?

You said something in the break.

Oh, I have to say, yeah, Darren Brown, who we bumped into as well, and he did this incredible trick where he puts £40 down on the table.

He says, I can tell you which hand you've got a pound coin in.

Let's say five times out of five.

You know, so I have a pound coin in one hand.

I put it behind my back.

I bring my hands out.

And he can tell me every single time which hand it's in by asking questions, by doing various questions.

Well, he doesn't ask it, he just goes, no, you might put it in that one, you might do the same again, but then you're an intelligent person, you're probably not.

You go, so it's in that one.

And he does it every time.

It's incredible.

It's absolutely majestic.

I mentioned this to Carl.

Yeah.

And well, Carl, you tell me how you think you could outwit Darren Brain.

Because your dad used to do this trick, you told me.

My dad used to play this.

How old were you?

I don't know, probably about ten.

So you probably weren't as sharp as you were now then.

So he used to play it.

And the way of telling what hand he's got it in, his hand looks bigger.

So that's all you've got to do.

I thought he did it then.

That's how you do it.

To catch Darren out.

So, no, to catch Darren out.

It's not different because he did it with golf balls.

But to catch Darren out, Carl told me,

he did it with a spud.

To catch Darren out, the hand which hasn't got the coin in, just make it slightly bigger.

Just make it just like extend it slightly so slightly larger, and that'll catch Darren out.

You'll never be able to see it.

That's how he did it.

Just put a pound in each hand and wind him up.

Just go, no, you're wrong.

You are brilliant, Carl.

Do this one.

did your dad used to do the one where he takes your nose off off of your face and puts it between his fingers

did you keep going to the doctor yeah yeah go on right you know how that's done you know he's not actually taking your nose his thumb is his thumb last one yeah don't rub it too hard you'll get a rasher it's been a mess today what do you mean it's been a mess it's been a mess what has this what the show yeah how has it been any worse it's just all over the place there's no sort of it's not tight it's not tight like it you know is um and she'll be going away with this thinking that's what the show would be like she listens to the show she knows it's a shambles every week gone well uh don't rub it too hard you'll get a rasher yeah do you know the saying ham it up

yeah gone yeah right well do you know what it means well it means to overact

right well years ago w with uh with actors in musicals and stuff did um

the actors used to look pretty ill on on the stage'cause they didn't have proper makeup and that.

Right.

Right.

So what they used to do

to make themselves look like they're facing pigs?

Well, they got bacon, rubbed it on the face, and it made the face a bit sticky because of all the

pig fat and a bit of lard and stuff like that.

And then they'd go and get some bricks.

Bricks.

Yeah, house bricks, rub them together, make some sort of red dust from the brick, and then put the dust on the face.

And the fat and the lard and that would make the dust stick to the face.

And

they'd look well under the lights.

And that's where they.

So they smell great as well.

Yeah, well.

Lovely.

Everyone likes to smell of bacon.

No.

But so that's the old

ham it up.

That's where that comes from.

You know, if it's true, I've no reason to think that it's not.

So that's your third educating Ricky today.

So what have you learned?

Nothing.

Absolutely sodd.

You've got your hamming it up.

Yeah.

Rams are are gay.

They know which ones are gay now.

And

the fella who can hand read

an house.

If you missed the rest of the show, what are you going to make of that?

Have you just tuned in?

You are a maniac, Carl.

You mentioned educating Ricky.

We've only got, do you know, we only have like three instalments?

Yeah.

We've only got two today.

Why?

Wind.

Just.

Well, you clearly weren't busy Christmas shopping, so what are you?

What's the next thing?

Yeah.

well like I say every week it's a bit of a struggle finding stuff that I can teach you I bet you were gutted you missed that programme aren't you?

Well I'm interested in stuff like that because I like learning which gets us on to educating Ricky.

Oh excellent, slick.

We've had a good year of stuff teaching and stuff.

Yeah I've learnt a lot.

Can you remember any of the programs?

Of course I can.

There was a deaf girl and she hit her head and she could hear.

There was also

some people who ate tomatoes thought their poisonous on lead.

There was also a fella who a doctor who gave a blood transfusion with some parrots from the pet store.

Because the doctor in America, and it was the olden days when the lines were bad, said give him his parents' blood, and the doctor this side thought give him some parrots' blood.

So that was true, and that educated me.

That was facts.

What have you got for us?

Well, we've only got two, because I've taught you about jellyfish today, like we need them.

So we've only got two, two things to go at.

And I give them a little headline so you remember them to make them snappy.

The two headlines you've got, oh, what a catostrophe.

Okay.

And the second one is, well, you'd think it beat Bughead, wouldn't you?

What?

Well, you'd think it beat Bughead, wouldn't you?

You'd think it beat.

No, you'd think it'd be.

You'd think it'd be bugged, wouldn't you?

Bughead.

Bug Ed.

This can't be.

If this is anything with a bug living without a head, I'm not interested.

Because we've done it.

All you've done is find.

Let's just do what a catastrophe.

Which one?

Which one are we going to do?

No, do the bug head one.

Right, well, the bug.

The bug head one.

Well, we've talked a lot about animals and haven't we, without heads.

Surprisingly, we have.

I think a disproportionate amount on it.

If you're a new listener, this is the first one you listen to.

You'd be surprised.

We've done all that.

We've covered worms.

The way, if you cut their head off, it grows back.

If you don't cut too high above its neck.

We've covered

the fella who blinked.

Yep.

I can't go into it again.

Right.

We've had the chicken with no head that lived for eight months.

And we've had a lot of fun.

And we've got the cockroaches living for a week without an head.

Right.

Right.

But it's a bit more on the cockroach front, really.

They've found

that if you get a cockroach

and you cut its head off,

and then you find a cockroach that's still got its head, but it hasn't got any legs.

Right.

Right?

It's not over for both of them.

Right?

Because what you can do, you get the one that's got the legs

with no head, sort of running around, get the one with the head, sit it on top of it.

Right.

Get a little tube

so that the fluids.

So is this Auntie's going out of the room?

This is like Blue Peter.

You get this for Christmas.

Right?

You get a little tube, you sit that on top so the bodily fluids are still running between the two.

Right.

The head of the one on the top will control the feet of the one on the bottom.

Okay.

What about that?

Good.

And uh will it continue to live?

Um, yeah.

Okay, you don't know that for sure, do you?

That was just a that was just a question that really wasn't expecting.

Well, what what do you think of that?

Good, yeah, it's great.

Yeah, just a primitive nervous system that can yeah.

yeah.

Did you expect us to be more impressed and excited by that?

Did you fall off your chair when you read that?

You literally topple off.

Did you think you were going to be the Frankenstein of the insect world?

No, I just was thinking if they can do that, you know,

can they do

humans?

Because I also did a bit of research.

Did you come to the

sort of conclusion that apart from the moral aspect of it, that the human was probably more complicated than

yeah, but do you know what I mean?

Things move on, don't they?

Modern science, Rick.

You know, I had Benettone as a kid, now they've got PlayStation 2 and the difference in 10 years.

They have found that if you lose your head, a cockroach can live normally on your body, but not the other way around.

Your head on its cannot control its legs because it's too complicated for your brain.

So, yeah.

So, then other research, because I thought if you don't learn from that, I'll give you something else for free, right?

For free.

That they can clone people.

The only reason they don't do it, right?

Say if Ricky needed

a lung, right, they could clone you and make you the same, but the only reason they don't want to do it is because it it'd be a bit horrible, wouldn't it?

And it would take sort of 18 years for me to get an adult lung.

And there's all kinds of moral implications.

Yeah.

What do you mean, yeah?

You hadn't thought of that.

So, sorry, so because

lest we forget, Rick, he ended with the only reason they don't do it is because it's a bit horrible than that.

Which scientist said that?

That's a quote.

That's not it.

That's not the other one.

That's it.

No, no, no, no, no.

That was just, you know.

We've got another one to come.

Oh, I'll just go to the next one.

The headline: Oh, what a cat toastrophey.

So this one, right?

Okay.

So, just educating Ricky.

Oh, God.

What a cat toastrophy.

Yeah, let's do that then.

There's this woman, right?

Yeah.

This woman, she's reading Guinness Book of Records

and

she's flicking through

and she notices that there's a world record for a cat

with 27 toes.

So she reads it and she thinks, well, that's not right.

Because her cat has got 28.

What do you mean her cat's got 28?

Her cat's got 28 toes.

So she was like, Well, hang on a minute, mine should be in there.

So that was.

She she was d d she said.

She's the record.

Yeah, she did the gizmography.

The woman with the cat with twenty eight toes looking through and it said the record for uh the cat's toes was twenty seven.

She's like, Hold on.

Hold on a minute, Ross.

My cat's got one more than that cat, so go on.

Um anyway, so she said uh you know, the person doing the interview with her said you know is it happy?

And uh she said yeah yeah, you know she it it's great and it it's it's really good in the snow.

Right.

It gets through a lot of nail virus.

Well you know that's that's what it said, right?

He said it's really good in the snow.

So I just was thinking

I mean that's it really

that's the end of that story.

Brilliant.

But what I'm thinking is right.

It was two cats welded together.

Carl, now Carl, you promised me that you were gonna reintroduce Educating Ricky.

Yeah, I'll just Yeah, we can do that.

Have you got it?

Have you got something that will something that I won't know that's correct and that will interest me?

Yeah, there's loads of stuff.

Is it anything to do with monkeys?

No, we've got monkey news coming up.

We've got monkey news coming out.

I've watched it.

And they're now over to XFM for monkey news with Carl Pilkington.

No, we're not yet.

We're not doing that.

Educating Ricky is

educating Ricky.

Oh, that's interesting, and it's correct.

Hang on a minute, though.

What I do is I tease you with headlines.

Oh, go on then.

And then you have to sort of go, that one sounds good.

Go on then.

I want to know more about that, educate me.

You've got uh

well

that that nelly died

that Nelly died.

Okay, okay, because you're about an elephant.

Go on.

You've got that, you've got uh, well,

uh,

not well.

Take well for as red.

So they all start with well, okay.

Nob body has been that lucky before.

Okay.

Or you've got get a lobe of this court case.

Right, okay.

I'm going for knob body has been that lucky before.

Right, it's a

story about this kid who was born, right?

Was he?

Yeah, he's popped out, like, and the dad and the mum saw the baby, and it was like, oh, that's a good-looking little kid.

Sure.

And we're proud of that.

And then

they're surprised that it's a good-looking little kid, it's theirs.

Like,

it could have been a frog, and they'd have gone, oh, he's got your eyes.

And then the doctor goes, Yeah, it is, but

look at that.

What?

He said, It's a boy and hasn't got a knob.

I love the doctor saying that.

I love this GP or this midwife saying that.

Oh, little book, yeah.

Yeah, but no knob, baby.

Mr.

and Mrs.

I mean I think.

Right.

No but I'm speeding it up a bit.

Alright come on so the baby's gonna be a little bit more like that.

So the baby's like the doctor and the doctor says that and the woman's like oh it's our first as well and stuff right she's really got it she's just

gonna be like so uh

just a knob doctor says yeah

quite cool

by god so the doctor says well I'll leave it with you for a bit get used to the idea right

as opposed to throwing it away So he wanders off.

He comes back with a smile on his face.

Found the knob.

So the mum and dad are like,

what are you smiling about?

He says, you're not going to believe this.

Baby's just been born.

It's got two.

Right?

You can have one of them.

And they did a little

operation.

Where did you get this information from?

That's in a book.

What book?

Is it the book that you carry around with you?

No.

With the woman with three legs, the juggler with nine arms, and the bloke who found dragging a chicken under a rock.

Is it in that book?

Weird though, aren't it?

Well, it's not true.

It is true.

What, in the same hospital, there was a baby born without a knob.

Luckily,

it's Carl.

It happened.

You swear to God you're not making a baby.

The doctor came back smiling because you won't believe it.

There's a baby there with an excess of a knob.

It happened, honestly.

All these things are not made up, the educating stuff.

That's why I do it, isn't it?

Teaching you stuff.

Always teaching you stuff.

Alright, if anyone can confirm the baby in the next door, they're going to confirm it because they're going to go to the same dubious website that Carl got it from.

I always try to be level-headed and reasonable in these situations.

It's always Guatemala or Mexico.

A battle

Rodriguez was born without a knob.

Luckily, baby next door

was wearing two knobs.

What a load of shape.

Play a record.

Carl, what you got lined up for us now?

Yeah, that's how educating.

Come on.

It's when Carl looks on the internet and finds a weird story about um you know the the double double knob um fun and tells me about it and it's usually not true.

If it is true, I know it already.

Go on in Carl.

Um

They aren't really weird stuff, it's just stuff that's gone on.

That's interested me, that's all it's about.

I should just confirm that we've had a number of emails that say the baby born without a knob and then having one transplanted from a baby that luckily enough had two knobs is apparently true.

Yeah, no, listen,

listen.

I don't question that you could be born with a deformity and get someone's, you know, fingers knobbed.

What I'm saying is, it didn't happen when the doctor goes, I'll leave with it.

I don't believe it.

That baby's got two knobs.

Exactly.

What a coincidence.

I bet that little bit of information isn't in there, is it?

Sure.

That he went out the door and get a coffee, came back, bloody out.

I don't know, I'm not, it's an extra knob, I found an extra knob.

We put that knob on there, perfect.

Right, well, you've gone, you've uh, you've opted for the headline, it Nellie Died.

Yeah, it's about this elephant, yeah,

80 years old in Africa.

Right, it's had quite a good life on that,

um, but then what happens is

I don't know what it's been eating, but um its teeth fall out.

Yeah, that's what they're

most elephants die of that because they grind them down, the the teeth, until they can't chew any more.

And they most elephants are old.

Uh dying of old age with an elephant is the fact that you haven't got teeth anymore.

But it's had a good innings, it was eighty, yeah.

Um

so anyway.

They pop the food up and feed it to it and it lived quite happily.

No, what they did was the village got together, said uh

um made it some false teeth

made it some teeth out of wood

wooden teeth for this elephant.

That's 80.

What do you think of that?

I don't know.

I don't know if it's true.

I don't know what I mean.

No, forget that.

You've been proved wrong once.

It is true.

What do you think about that?

Carl, it's like saying, Yeah, me auntie Norris or a ghost.

What do you think about that?

There's no comment.

I can't comment on it.

Would you have gone to the trouble, is what I'm saying?

To build an elephant.

It's 80, It's Haiti.

Yeah.

With all the problems Africa's got and that, and they're messing about making teeth for an elephant.

What problems have Africa got?

Well, there's not enough food to go around, so if an elephant's dead, that's a bit more food left.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, but you're assuming this is in the middle of a village where there was famine and starvation.

It might have been South Africa, Kenya.

You don't know.

It's not all Ethiopia.

If it's a busy city, people in the village wouldn't have time to be messing about with making teeth and that, would they?

It was a little village.

Little village.

Yeah.

And a local elephant.

The local elephant?

A local post office.

I'll meet you by the elephant.

No, to be fair, Rick, I think I saw Bob Goldoff on TV saying, please, people, stop making elephants' teeth.

They are eating all the food.

We're sending it over.

They're the first one.

Where's the number?

Where's the teeth?

I don't know.

It's possible.

It's possible.

It's possible they've made this elephant

some dentures.

It is possible.

Wouldn't it have been easier to just salt it?

Exactly.

Fresh it up, serve it some soup or whatever.

Yeah, if you're making it's teeth, you know, it's a village.

I wouldn't have thought it would work for very long, and I wouldn't have thought the elephant would understand that it was teeth.

So I wouldn't have been able to thought that villagers could do it.

I mean, top veterinary surgeons could have done some of it, but I think they made it all goodwill, but I don't want to thought it worked, so they probably ended up dying or pulping it like I suggested.

But, you know, thanks very much.

Play a record.

Right, okay, you've got the final educating Ricky Carl.

Get a little over this court case.

Yep.

Uh what happened was, right, uh

fellas in court for something that he shouldn't have done, right?

Yeah.

You've got all the detail then at your fingertips.

And the jury says uh

he's guilty, right?

And the judge went, What, he's not guilty, off you go then, right?

He miss herd it.

Um

they couldn't do anything about it because once once the judge has sort of said you're not guilty, off you go.

Off you go, you can go home.

And the jury were like, oh, yeah, what are you doing?

They said he's guilty.

And I was like...

What do you think of the Thorns album?

I'm quite a big fan, Rick.

Yeah, I like that sort of old country sound.

I think

I like a combination you made, man.

That was

really good.

The Jayhawks, thanks for that one.

It was the Angin one, wasn't it?

There was the Yangin one that happened.

I used to there.

What bands have you been checking out recently?

Any new things?

Just exploring all kinds of stuff.

Obviously, you know, I like dipping back into the old stuff.

I've told you I've been appreciating a lot recently, Rick.

Billy Bray.

Oh, brilliant, yeah.

Great guy.

Great guy.

Isn't he playing something?

Yeah, he went on to try and get away from it.

He had a yang in one when the fellow was.

Sorry, mate, go a good one.

When the fellow was hung.

Well, hung.

He was hung.

He was hung.

He was hung by a rope.

So, isn't that...

No, no, I think it wasn't.

Wasn't he a Chinese emperor?

Wasn't he hung?

Yeah.

Sorry, he was hung.

Some fellow who'd done something, and they hung him.

Oh,

it's not a word anymore.

He was hung.

Well, don't be doing that again, because you said squoze wasn't a word, and then I've shown you a menu today that someone sent, and it said fresh orange.

Yeah.

Squoes.

Inadvertent commas, and next to it was the word colour spout C-O-L-O-R.

So presumably either American menu, right, in which case there's loads of American words that we don't use, or it's just a badly typed piece of work.

Anyway, there was a boat that was on.

He was on in that.

But he di he didn't die.

Ung and that.

He was definitely a Chinese de Hong on that, yeah.

I remember him now, yeah.

He didn't die, and they said, Oh, just hang on a minute whilst we change the rope and that.

And he stood there waiting, changed the rope.

They tried to do it again, and

didn't work.

It didn't work, right?

So

they got another rope, right?

Didn't work.

And

then they had to let him go because it's like a there's a well-known saying or something from

this thing.

Have you seen

do you like uh Oh My Car is On by um Tim Burton's single?

I don't know.

Time's brilliant.

Yeah, prepare.

Um let's play a record now and we'll um we'll um talk more of it later.