BONUS: Suzanne (Complete Compilation)

Did you buy Suzanne a gift in the end?

Which she you surprised her with on the other end?

Yeah, after that show that we did before Christmas.

I was walking home thinking, oh, might as well treat her then.

Um

went and got her a a necklace.

No.

She uh she said she wanted a necklace but I didn't know which one but went and got one.

Yeah.

And she was happy with that.

Yeah.

Um that shut her up.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But um

yeah.

And did she get you a gift back?

She did get me something, yeah.

See, we knew she would.

Yeah, but the thing is, right, she got me a little Game Boy Advance to take on holiday because she knows I get bored, lovely.

So that that was good, but I was like, hang on a minute.

I know how much I spent.

Oh, fuck.

And I know how much these are, right?

But I was clever, though.

When I got to the airport, I bought her to get me an extra sort of get to bought me an extra game for it.

Yeah.

Got the value.

Of course.

When you were growing up, did you wait to ask your mum for sweets right at the counter so the woman sort of would sort of embarrass her into getting you it

uh what you mean just slip it in the basket well no just go just wait wait till there's some uh you know a stranger watching before you ask for sweets um can i have a kinder egg did you sit in front of suzanne when it got to

suzanne can you get me something else because remember i bought spent more on that necklace than you did like game boy advance and the woman in dixon's goes oh you better get him something else she goes oh bloody yellow right then

no

She she did well though.

She's done well to keep you, hasn't she?

Because you're such a fine.

You're quite a catch.

Yeah, she must wake up every morning and go, oh, I am the luckiest girl in the world.

She told you that the other night.

What?

She said the other night how good it is living with me.

Yeah, I said to Suzanne, it must be great because I only see him two hours a week and I like to squeeze his little head.

You can do that all day, every day.

Does she ever squeeze your head?

No.

No?

No.

It's like that thing, though, isn't it?

It's like when you work in a chocolate factory.

You get sick of it, don't you?

It's there all the time.

Yeah, she must think, well, I could squeeze that head any time I wanted.

It's not worth it.

I just yeah.

What about your Christmas?

What is it better than Rockbusters?

Uh it's all right, I did it in a bit of a rush because I was only in yesterday, wasn't I?

Well yeah, if you take three holidays a year, then there's not enough time for the work.

Me and Steve like to you know put our priorities into you know doing the work, coming up with a good product and getting a holiday when we can.

You know, we haven't I haven't really

it's for Suzanne, isn't it?

She's the one who likes going away with you.

So I'll just go, yeah, so I'll go with her and do me better when you were playing game boy right and you'd looked in a hole and you were reading your book what is she what is she doing

she'll sort of

she'll make things seem more interesting to me do you know what I mean so like when we're at the hole and the bus driver said you've got an hour here I sort of said why have you got an hour here I go to a funeral with someone who I loved in the ground and don't spend an hour around it.

Why do I want to...

Do you know what I mean?

Can I just ask Carl how he got on over Christmas?

Because the last time I spoke to him, you hadn't bought a present for your girlfriend.

I had sales on Tentooks all Christmas.

Well, you changed it.

After that show, I felt bad, even though I shouldn't have done.

Because

you hadn't bought your girlfriend a Christmas.

But I said to you, I booked a table at a hotel in Covent Garden, had Christmas dinner there, which was nice, right?

It's good food and everything.

It didn't feel like enough to me.

Well, then I went out and treated some stuff.

No, no, no.

A couple of days before Christmas, he went,

I took Suzanne to that hotel we're going to go to for Christmas dinner.

We had tea and cakes.

And I went, oh, you treated her?

He went, no, she paid for it.

But I was just showing her what it was going to be like.

That was her extra treat.

She paid for it.

I love that.

Brilliant.

Yeah.

Well, it was a dear it was like 150 quid for a meal for two, which is pretty dear.

So I'm not going to buy her cakes as well.

I love that.

Alright, love, everything you want.

You pay for your own pudding.

I'm not mental.

But so you you did you treated her to some other stuff.

Some bits and bobs.

Well, so she bought, she chose them and you paid for them.

What, the presents?

Yeah.

Or you chose them and she paid for them, but you know, it's not the cat.

I got them on the way home that Saturday.

Well done.

And what did you buy?

Well, just some bits.

Might be personal, Steve.

Well, I don't care.

Some bits.

So leave out the personal bits.

What bits?

Just little things.

And then yesterday...

Night.

A monkey wrench in a new washer for the shower.

Yeah.

Some recordable CDs

that you need for your job.

So,

when you gave those prisons to her, did her face light up?

Right.

I don't want to tell you what they were, right?

But she wasn't that impressed.

You're going to tell us what mate right now tell us what they are.

You even know what they are.

She told you.

On Christmas Day.

Hold on, wait a minute.

But it doesn't matter what they are.

It does matter what they are.

It doesn't.

Just ask, Carl, it's you, mate.

Ignore it.

It doesn't matter.

Oh, God.

We just remember.

Yeah.

Right, but don't.

There's no need.

I've got to tell him, Carl.

I really want your permission because I don't want to be a you know, I know it's not, but we know it's not that embarrassing, it's really quite sweet.

Yeah, but in a way, right, the way I look at it is, right, Christmas, even when I was a little kid, right, is not.

Please let me tell him, Carl.

Well, let me just tell you first now.

Let me tell you why I didn't go all out on the old present front.

Right, justify yourself.

Right, first of all, I've covered it up since then anyway, right, with that present because I bought some shoes yesterday.

And she did say, I'll give you the money for them, but when I get home, I said, it's alright.

I said, you can have them.

So,

not only did I buy her some food on Christmas Day, I got her shoes.

She's probably had a ton of shoes.

And they feel like a horse.

It's not like.

Yeah, there you go, there's your shoes, there's your food.

Right.

Bed down.

See you later.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is that.

Buy her fed and clothing.

Yeah, did you comb her hair?

She's done well this year, right?

Uh-uh.

So

the thing is.

She's done well this year.

It's like you're a single parent on a council estate with a smack problem and you still managed to buy

some echo when I was a kid right it wasn't about what you got I remember one year when I was about eight right

oh it's gonna make me cry innocent this no it's not I'm just saying the way it is right I woke up at about four in the morning and I was like oh what have I got and I couldn't sleep I was that on edge it's the excitement of Christmas innit it's like oh what's wrapped up I need to know and it's the fact that people are saying no you won't know until tomorrow yes so that annoys you and winds you up.

So I got up at four in the morning, opened me presents, and then went, right, I know now, went back to bed, had a great sleep.

Yes.

Right, so it's nothing to do with the excitement of what you get, it's the excitement of not knowing what you've got.

And then what happened when you got up to go down with a presentation?

But hang on, so what you're saying to me is that you could wrap up a brick because the thrill of Christmas is in hoping and being excited about what it is, not the actual gift itself.

Yeah.

Is that what you did?

That's the brick.

Did you get a brick?

No, let me tell you now what he got.

He got her a present night and she said, Cheers came, I said, yeah, he got me.

It was

it was an industrial sized packet of condoms.

It was a joke gift.

No, it wasn't a gift.

No, it wasn't a joke.

It wasn't even a joke.

I went home that Saturday after there, passed boots, thought might have something here.

They were on like some value.

Right, you w you passed the boots.

Right, that's the other cup.

You passed all the other past the manga stuff.

That's the lovely vanity cases.

Yeah, the foot spas.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.

How much are these, love, for 100?

$4.99.

Yeah.

Do I get them reduced if I buy in bulk?

So, how many did you buy?

What was it?

I don't know, probably about 100.

Right, okay.

And is she allowed to use those with anyone?

Did you wrap them?

Could you just go and have a wild?

Well, you don't need to wrap it.

They're already wrapped, aren't they?

Oh.

And then what did you say?

What's she ever doing?

Wait, wait,

Carl, why don't you?

Come on, play a record and we'll come back to this.

You're worsted to my father, let's

just take us through the moment where you gave this gift.

Freely.

So, when you went into boots, right, you thought, all right, 100 condoms.

Brilliant.

Okay, did you wrap up?

I don't know if it was 100, probably 80.

Right, okay.

Yeah, right.

You gotta go mad, do you?

Wrap them up.

I'm just, I, you know, I'm just resting easy knowing that he's not trying to breed.

Right?

No.

Yeah.

So I got her then.

I got her grease on DVD because she's always watching that.

So just think of when her mum said, what did Carl get you?

Some condoms and grease.

I was just so glad he said on DVD.

She was surprised anyway, right?

Because.

Yeah, I bet she was.

No, when she got her.

She was thinking like jewellery.

That showed her.

That surprised you, hasn't it?

Alright.

So hang on, William.

You thought it was a holiday, didn't you?

Yeah, look at your face.

You don't know me at all.

So hang on, so did you give these on Christmas Day?

Right, what happened is she got in from work that Saturday, right?

And I said, look, under the tree.

Knack her job.

At least it's Christmas.

She's coming again.

I said, look, you got some stuff under the tree.

So she's...

How did you give her a sugar lamp?

Right, she was really chuffed with that.

But she said, she was a bit puzzled because I didn't know we had any wrapping paper, right?

So I ended up using wallpaper.

You didn't take it off the wall, though.

No, no, it was some left over, right?

So she said, why have you used wallpaper?

I said, well, I didn't have any paper, and you were getting in in a bit, and I wanted you to have a surprise.

So she said, can I have a feel of them?

I said, no presents.

He thought, right, I've got the right thing.

Yeah.

Right.

And then Christmas Day, I said, no, don't get carried away.

It's nothing really good.

You know, we said we weren't going to buy each other much.

So there you go, open them.

Yeah, go on.

Can I just ask, had you received your presents from her yet?

Yeah.

So what had you received?

What do they have?

Some shoes.

Nice.

Right.

Getaway game for PlayStation.

Nice.

I'm just tightening up the value of those shoes.

And just also think about how much fun and pleasure you get from them.

Yeah, yeah.

Although, of course, condoms I can see

the appeal.

Also, add to that bit 150 quid for a meal.

If you're going to start totting up, 150 quid for a meal, I bought some shoes, 72 quid.

Yeah, that was after the event, though.

Doesn't matter.

Alright, so you received these, dare I say it, thoughtful and nice gifts.

You handed over the box of condoms.

They were wrapped up.

She unwrapped them.

Go on, take us through it.

Walk us through it.

Well,

it's not something you play with on Christmas morning.

Oh, God.

Oh, boy.

Right, but when she opened it, what did she say?

What did she say?

Well, I wrapped him twice as well.

So she thought it was something really good.

Extra protection.

Right.

So she thought it was something really good.

And then.

So the disappointment would be double.

Yeah, quite, yeah.

And then she just opened it and went, oh, yeah.

What's on the telly?

And that was ungrateful.

What an ungrateful woman that is.

Fancy stuff.

Fancy not wanting

a box of economy condoms from Boots.

I said to her about the thing about, you know, it's all about the surprise and that, innit?

Yeah.

You explained that to her.

Yeah.

What, after she'd unwrapped it?

Yeah.

And she was she was alright about it.

Yeah.

She understood.

Rick, you know, I suggested to him that he buy his girlfriend a gift.

I'm worried I've done more damage to the relationship by suggesting that than if he had just forgotten.

Next time you've got to go shopping for her yourself, Steve.

I think I might do.

You've bettered go shopping for her yourself.

I'm glad it's all over though.

It's mental.

Yeah.

It annoys me, the whole thing annoys me.

And she knows that as well.

yeah she's you know what she still insists on having Christmas once a year well wow

I'm you know no but uh well anyway what did you get I can't think what you what you bring to the relationship Carl I don't know what it is she's getting from you in this relationship it's like she's doing a joke

eighty times

come come Carl I love it you're brilliant I know what she's getting he's the he's the he's the

He's not thoughtful.

No, no, but he's thoughtful.

It's the best he can do with the brain he's got.

Do you know what I mean?

He's doing his best.

He's absolutely doing his best.

There's no...

He's working at the limit to his power.

Do you know what I mean, though?

He's done as well as he can with what he was given.

Sure.

And that's admirable.

I think he's done better than you'd expect.

I bet his teachers didn't even think he'd get this far.

Do you know what I mean?

What, find a girl?

No, well, yeah, a job, a girl.

Do you know what I mean?

Clothing himself.

He's done really well.

What do you think, Carl?

Do you think you've done well?

I think I've done alright compared to some of the mates.

What are they doing now?

Probably not that much.

Do you know what I mean?

Mrs.

Matthews said I wouldn't be an iFlyer.

I think I'm doing alright.

Do you know what I mean?

I have a holiday every year.

Got somewhere to live.

Yeah, got a new flat, haven't you?

Yeah, so.

So where are they then, the condoms?

Did she show them to her family and friends?

No.

Take them into work?

Look, what Carl.

I'm surprised she told Ricky, actually.

I was a bit disappointed in that.

Yeah.

Because I didn't go shouting away.

But she was so excited, Carl.

Clearly.

He was just so pleased and proud.

Alright, play record, we'll come back to it.

No, that's it now.

Like when you go down Christmas and you're excited about a present and it's like some condoms.

Well, I love that

moment.

Yeah.

I don't know how he's going to top that next year.

I don't know how he's going to top that.

All I can think of is some corn plasters.

Right.

That's all right, love.

The batteries are included.

Got you a pumice stone.

Right.

Oh.

So, what did you do for New Year, instantly?

Well, I met I cocked it up a bit.

You're joking.

You're joking.

You're joking, mate.

Go on.

I went and booked a table.

You got the wrong day.

Booked a table at a restaurant that was shut.

What?

I booked a table at a restaurant, and the one that I called, it wasn't the one.

The call had been diverted.

So Suzanne said, call them up and see what they're serving.

I forgot to do that when I booked the table.

That's

right.

Because the thing is, right, it's a restaurant in Covent Garden, but they've got one in Victoria.

But when they answered and they said, no, no, no, no, no, Victoria, I thought that was the person who was answering the phone.

Do you know how some people say the name?

Right.

Right?

So then, when I called them up and said, what's your phone?

You thought he sounded a bit funny.

Right?

So,

I'm confused, Carl, but probably not more than one.

Rather than you would have done it.

Okay, it was a branch of a

way that you want to give the restaurant away.

So he phoned it up.

This one in Covent Garden.

They answered the phone.

The restaurant's not called No, no, no, no, no.

No, no,

they said, no, no, no, no, no, Victoria.

Why can't we do the restaurant?

I don't know why.

It's not either.

Are we scared that, like, are you scared people are going to sort of see you in there?

Because it's your regular haunt?

No, it's just that, you know, you've got to pay for stuff, haven't you?

Right.

I mean, it's.

Okay, anyway, so you went to the...

I already mentioned it before, New Year, but it's not.

So did you go all the way to the restaurant to find out that it was closed?

No, no, no.

What happened is I called it.

Was that the name of the restaurant again?

Right, the restaurant's called Christopher's.

They've got one in Covent Garden, they've got one in Victoria.

He phoned up, he wrote the book, it's a lovely restaurant.

I've been there often.

I recommend it to him.

He phones up, he said, Can have a table for new,

they said, No problem, sir, right?

And then Suzanne said, Oh, you better call up, see if they'd see if they've got any haddock on the menu.

And he went, Hello, and they went, Hello, Christopher's.

Victoria went, Victoria.

They went, Yeah, he went, Oh, no, that's it, so then I just said, No, forget it, I'm not going all the way over there.

So I cancelled it, right?

So when I called up Tuzan, said, Look, I made an error.

The place we were going to is shut.

Was she surprised again, North?

So we're not going, so she said, Oh, try some other places.

And I did.

They were all booked up.

Right.

I was fed up anyway.

I hate New Year.

It's always like this, isn't it?

So

I said, look.

You know the common factor in all these stories.

You hate Christmas, you hate birthday.

It's your New Year.

It is you.

So I said, I'll sort something out.

So I went to Tesco's.

Leave it with me.

Went to Tesco's, boots with Tesco.

Got our lovely plate of condoms.

Did you just stay in and play with her and birthday?

Blowing them up.

Look, I've done some balloons.

Well, it was.

We did stay in.

And I watched that thing, you know, Undred Greatest Moments, which was annoying me.

Did you see?

There was a nudist on it.

You know how I feel about them?

Yeah.

Did you see?

A man with two knobs?

There was a man with two knobs on it.

And a nudist who

just wanders about the house.

But it said that when he visits people,

I was thinking, who lets him visit?

Exactly, yeah.

But he must go there with trousers on and go, hello, lovely to see you.

Can I just pop all these off?

Well, not really, no.

And I'll tell you what what annoyed me the most, they had a white sofa.

If you were a nudis, you'd get you'd get a darker one.

So, anyway, right, so we ended up watching that.

That annoyed me.

And then I was tired by about eleven and I said, Oh, let's go to bed.

And she said, You can't.

And that annoys me, the fact that because it's New Year, you gotta stay up.

And it's like, Well, why?

Can't we just you should bring it forward so in case you're watching it?

It's a quarter to ten, quarter to ten.

Well, you say, yeah, well, you stay up, and it's like my eyes were dead heavy, and and I was like, oh, I want to go to sleep.

So just stay up and then it's midnight and you go up in your year, then you go to bed.

Yeah.

Well not everyone, because some people have a little party.

So it's over with anyway.

Yeah.

Are you 86 years old?

Can you just sit to me?

Oh, do you know the quotes that Ricky gave me last week and I turned them down?

Yeah.

I got home.

Girlfriend had a go at me.

They don't know you turned them down.

What you know is that he said he didn't want to take the book at the end of the show, he said, I'm not taking it, it's too difficult.

I'm going to go and get a nice one and go on coming.

Yeah, so I went home and Suzanne said, Where's the book?

She was really looking forward to having a look at it.

I said, Oh, I gave it him back.

I wasn't up for that.

And yet, last week I was ill and stuff.

I wasn't in the mood for learning.

Yeah, so I'm not having it.

She goes, This is where you went wrong at school.

She said, This is exactly where you went wrong.

She said, You know, you liked infants, you liked

your colouring in and you're painting stuff.

She said, But as soon as it gets to the heavy stuff, you just, you know, you're like a horse with its blinkers on.

Yeah, so you just shut yourself away.

So I said, no, I just

could have done if I wanted to.

So anyway, we went and bought a quotations book.

So I have got some quotes to see.

Yeah, what's the quotation book you bought?

So I was asking him to read Keats and Wilde, Wordsworth, Shakespeare.

What did you buy?

It's quotes with like Eric and Ernie and that in it.

That's what I've done.

Go on, use an everyday thing.

Yeah.

And pod it with today's problems.

Right?

Go on.

So, like,

my girlfriend, yeah.

She might like to go shopping for clothes.

I hate it.

Right.

But because of because I love her, I put up with it.

Ah, that's nice.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So you you love that little curtain.

You can't stand the smell of the stuff you've got to feed it.

But because you love it, you go, Well,

you know, I'll put up with this just for a few minutes and then I can like squeeze its head later and give it a little

So holiday, where'd you go on holiday?

Uh, Sardinia.

Good?

Yeah, it's all right, yeah.

Uh nice food and and that, it's important, isn't it?

Yeah.

And nice beaches and what have you.

Always like a nice long beach to walk down.

Yeah.

But so we're having a nice walk, right?

You know,

nudists do me heading.

Sure.

Not a problem, though, is it?

It's not being scared of spiders where they might jump out under the chicken chicken sink, kitchen sink at you.

You know what I mean?

It's not a big problem being having your head done in by nudists.

Yeah, but it just annoys me.

It sort of ruins the day a little bit.

Because it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Right.

Take your clothes off if you feel uncomfortable.

It's much more relaxing.

Yeah, but...

Well, anyway, right, so I'm walking along the beach, right?

Lovely long beach.

I'd be here, you know, watching the sea, picking up shells and that.

What are you wearing?

What's your natural beach club?

When he says picking up shells, I imagine he's on all fours going, oh, yeah.

That, you know what I mean, looking at things,

washing his nuts in the sea to get them tasty.

Yeah, going into the sea and then kind of shaking himself and all the water flows off.

Yeah.

I've just got, you know, flip-flops on, pair of shorts, and a little

light shirt.

Sure.

So, anyway, walking along, and

Suzanne goes, oh, look.

And there's this woman,

German, I think,

coming out of the.

How can you tell you a German?

I'll get to it.

Forget me on their armor.

She came out, it looked like she was smuggling seaweed.

I'm going gonna burst!

I'm going to burst!

Oh god!

And the funny thing is, right?

She uh.

She was a bit hairy down there, was she?

Mental.

I felt bad because I hadn't had a shave for two days, right?

Looked at her, just it was ridiculous.

She might as well have kept her trunks on.

It was just like she was wearing furry trunks, right?

So anyway,

so I'm walking around.

Yeah, go on in.

So Suzanne's like, oh, look, and I'm like, oh, not again.

You know, because every time we go away, there always seems to be one of these.

Is she by herself, this woman?

Well, the weird thing was, she was with her husband, right?

But he had shorts on.

He was happy.

Right.

But every time, like, because I walked past her and he sort of ran off because he's embarrassed.

Do you know what I mean?

There's nothing normal about it.

What can he do?

He can't go, all right, mate.

Because he knows it's odd, right?

Sorry, how old was she?

It's hard to tell when someone hasn't got clothes on.

Do you know what I mean?

They always look older, don't they?

When they haven't got clothes on, anyway.

But I'd say she was about 40, 41.

So,

yeah, so I walked past, and the annoying thing is, she got there on a bike, right?

No clothes on, little pair of boots next to the bike.

So if you can wear boots, just pop some shorts on.

You know what I mean?

That takes more effort for me, putting boots on.

So put the shorts on.

So anyway, so the husband kept running off.

I walked past and and I I'm getting annoyed'cause I'm saying, well, we've got to walk past them again on the way back.

I like the fact that they're run scrutinling away when Carl walks past.

Like when you lift up a bit of um sort of iron sheet in the woods and loads of mice run away.

It's like whenever Carl goes that nudists run away.

Okay.

So but no, so so we sort of come walking back and what have you and and you know, I have a have another look and what have you and he runs.

Why are you gonna look why you have another look if it offends you so much?

Oh, you might as well just just have a look.

Do you you know what I mean?

If she's putting it on show and what have you.

But the interesting thing was, I just wondered whether the husband.

If the husband were renewed, you'd have looked at his tackle.

Because remember, when you went to see those two strippers and it was a woman and man, they whipped their shots off, you said you looked at his tackle first.

I think any bloke would.

Wow.

You would.

You just check it out.

It's natural, isn't it?

You just go, oh, right.

It is normal or whatever.

'Cause you don't know if you do you know what I mean?

You don't know if what you've got's right until you see someone else's.

No, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, got it.

anyway so um but he got us talking because I was then as soon as I saw her sort of today's been ruined a bit so I'm walking up the beach

walking up the beach with Suzanne going how does it happen do you know what I mean why do people do this what's what's what fun are they getting out of it and like

and um I just was thinking is there any chance that that fella right didn't even know

that she was a nudist until they went away

do you know what I mean because I said to Suzanne if if say if I met Suzanne, it's like we're getting on, yeah, everything's fine.

And then you go off on holiday and you go, you haven't got much luggage.

She's like, no, no, it's fine, this is plenty.

You don't think that's weird.

And then we go down the beach and she whips her knickers off.

I'd be annoyed, but there's nothing I could do.

Do you know what I mean?

Sure.

So I'm just wondering whether that's what happened to this fella.

Every time someone came walking up, he was like, oh, God, this is embarrassing.

And he kept nipping off.

Yeah.

Finding something else to do.

Look at some shells.

So, I'm wondering, Rick, if at some point, maybe today or in future shows, we should get a nudist, you know, one of those official nudist spokespeople.

You know, because there's all these nudist organisations, get them on the phone, justify themselves to Carl, because, you know, i in his mind they are, what would you say, weirdos freaks?

I just don't I don't quite get it.

I was reading something in one of the supplements last weekend, and some journalist went round to some

whatever you call it, some resort or whatever, and mixed coffee nudes and that.

And it's just lame volleyball.

Well, the annoying thing was, bowls.

Why is that annoying?

Well, don't play a sport where you've got to bend over.

Well, I've got another food-related item here.

Now, Carl, I got a little email via my agent sent from someone here, okay, sent from someone at XFM, okay?

And I won't say it was, she just said,

I thought this might be good for Ricky to use on Saturday.

And obviously, what happened is Suzanne sent you an email in the week.

It was Wednesday,

and you've returned it, but I think you've returned it to the wrong email address.

You returned to someone here, who, of course, immediately forwarded it to my agent for ridicule on the show.

Don't panic, it's nothing that bad.

Okay,

it's

an email from Suzanne talking about your tea that night.

Was Suzanne out on Wednesday night?

Was the England game something?

Yeah.

So you were alone.

You were home alone where you went tonight.

Did you enjoy your meals?

Was it a quiche?

Go on.

Right.

From Suzanne to Carl.

Take the quiche and put it on the baking tray.

Cook for 30 minutes on 190.

Take lettuce and put on plate.

Take three tomatoes, wash and chop into quarters.

Place on lettuce.

Take an avocado, chop in half, remove the stone,

peel skin and slice.

Place on salad.

Put salt and pepper on and a dribble of olive and balsamic vinegar dressing.

Right?

In brackets, small bottle behind the coffee air.

Right, in case he's reaching for bleach.

That's it.

Everything else away.

Right?

Then sprinkle a smidge of parmesan on top.

Remove keys from the oven, cut into quarters and put on plate, eat.

Oh, wow.

Does she have to do that every single time?

She's actually...

No, it's just that.

I'm not that good at cooking, right?

And to be honest, that was a lot of hard work.

I didn't bother warming it up.

And I did without the avocado.

Why?

Why?

Too much messing about.

He didn't even do that with instructions.

It was too much.

Yeah, I'm not that good at cooking and stuff.

That's not cooking, though, is it, Carl?

That's just heating up a quiche.

That's cooking it is making the quiche.

Yeah, but I'm just kind of a little bit of a cookie.

Could you have figured that out?

She might have left that note for you.

Why does she have to tell you what the olive oil and bassant vinegar was?

Because I've put sort of cooking oil on my food once, and I said, all right,

it's ever since, right?

Years ago.

I'm going to die.

Years ago.

Leaving Mr.

Magoo at home.

It was ever since I put sausages in the toaster.

And then he set a flat.

What do you mean?

Because do you know like when you're grilling food in a pan and all that?

Yeah.

Sort of sausages spurt and it goes everywhere, doesn't it?

And it makes everywhere greasy.

So I thought, well,

just want to warm them up.

Yeah.

Pung them in the toaster.

What happened?

And she sort of caught one of them.

Well, she stuck and it sort of caught on fire, I imagine.

Well, she came in just as I was sort of plunging it, and might have came in from work.

Said, what are you doing?

I said, no, I'm the sausages.

Well, the oven isn't on, on, I know, they're in here.

What you turn it off, they're panicking and that.

I've never been into it.

I know Leon's a cooking and school and stuff.

I don't bother that.

Oh, every time Suzanne comes home, she must think, Please leave the house still there.

Please not let me hear a fire engine as I come around this corner.

Oh, God, she comes.

Oh, God, thank God.

I bet she's always happy to see you when she gets home and you haven't burned the place down or introduced some howler monkeys or something.

Is there are people who are in sort of care in the community who don't need instructions on how to prepare for it.

Oh, they can do it.

Yeah, you show them once.

Yeah, they're good.

Whatever you do, don't put sausages in the toaster, Johnny.

Do you know what I mean?

They don't put sausages in the toaster.

They put their fingers in.

Are we doing rockbusters on some?

Okay, we've had a couple of emails, Rick.

Someone, actually Ian, he's emailed in.

He said that because of the blinking postman, it's his wife's birthday today.

She's had no cards or presents because presumably because she's got no friends, but also because of the postal strike.

Well, you won't be able to use that excuse for Suzanne's birthday again because she knows that the postal strike won't be on around that time.

All right, Carl.

But anyway, so would you just say happy birthday to Tracy?

Have those condoms run out yet that you got for Christmas?

Carl.

Still got them.

Have you?

Just say happy birthday to Tracy.

Happy birthday to Tracy.

And then as Wayden, who's droning to let us know, he's actually listening in Northern Ireland.

So

we've gone international.

Sure, now there's also a questionnaire.

A questionnaire has been sent in by Ruth Chamberlain at Cord Wayner's College.

Cord Wayner's College?

Seems a weird.

Cord Wayner College.

It used to be, yeah.

It's either used to be a polly or a laundress.

Anyway, it's...

It's something that she's doing for.

She's studying product design for the fashion industry.

And anyway, she's got some questionnaire.

And we're obviously, we're too busy and important to fill out the questionnaire.

But we thought maybe you could answer it, Carl.

Carl, look, he's yawning.

He's looking round.

He's only got to do two hours and he gets a a whole day off and he's getting paid for it.

Do something, Carl.

Be grateful.

You've probably ruined a man's career.

He's ridiculed now for doing this, getting you so weak where he should have

squosed your head and kicked you out of the building.

So let's have a little bit of effort.

You've only got an hour and a quarter to do, then you get two days off, all right?

Right.

Right, Carl, it's a questionnaire about happiness.

Oh, yeah.

There's one person.

Well, that should answer it right where.

The first question, Carl.

On a happy scale of one to ten, where are you on the happy scale?

Is it at this moment or in general?

Well, I would say generally.

Okay.

Yeah, but you don't always have to like.

I mean, I think I'm happy in that, but I don't always show it.

You never show it.

No, but it doesn't mean I'm not happy in that.

Like, I'm alright at the moment.

I'd say I'm probably on a.

I was probably on about an eight.

I was probably on about a nine when I woke up, right?

And then

sort of fell out with Suzanne over a haircut.

Yeah.

She went for a haircut and came back with something that I didn't like.

Sorry, what did you say?

So when your girlfriend walked to the door, she had her hair done, you said, I don't like it.

Do you say that?

You can tell by the look on my face.

But you say, no, I'm happy with it.

I just can't tell.

I'm loving it.

Because then she might have it done again.

Oh,

I just cannot get over you.

I really can't.

No, but you haven't seen it.

So then I was fed up, but then I thought.

Sorry, what authority have you got to talk about haircuts?

Yeah, you had that.

You had the.

Well, officially from a barber in Manchester above a railway station in a shack, it was £2 a cut.

Told you you had the hair of a Chinaman.

Well, you wish you had the hair of a Chinaman.

Now, you've got nowhere.

You're a little bald man with your mouth open.

So don't.

Is she listening to this, Suzanne?

Sitting at home with a woolly hat on?

I don't know.

But she knows now, doesn't she?

What did you say?

What did she do about it then?

You said you look like someone out of Slade.

Interestingly, that's what I look for in a girlfriend.

Oh, God.

Which one, Slade?

That one with the funny.

Not Dave Hill.

Yeah.

The one with the crooked fringe and the goofy teeth.

She has her teeth done as well, did she?

She had two front teeth put in.

Dumper.

So anyway,

so prior to that, you're on a nine.

Then you saw the haircut, you're on an eight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm probably on about a six at the moment.

Why?

What's happened?

Well, while Star Sailor was on, a bit more head squeezing going on.

So, yeah, about a five or six.

So generally speaking, what would you say you're about?

You're a little five or four.

All right.

What would you give someone who wasn't very happy?

What would you give them?

What are you thinking, Carl?

Depends why they're not happy.

They're low, okay.

So, what would you give them?

I mean, if you, yeah, depends, innit?

If it's someone who's just lost their arms and legs in an accident, you don't give them a lollipop.

Sure, or some mittens,

you give them a hat, yeah,

yeah, and dare dare I say it, a smile.

A skateboard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know.

You've got to answer the question.

Alright, so hang on.

Let's assume that you've upset your girlfriend because you slayed off her haircut.

What are you going to do?

You're going to make her happy.

How are you going to cheer her up?

And not buy her a baseball cap.

I don't know yet.

I haven't thought about it because I've got this to sort out, haven't I?

So when I get home, get her some gel or something.

Oh, God!

Oh, Christ.

Okay.

And

just name something that always puts a smile on your face, can't.

It always cheers you up.

If you're feeling a bit blue, it always cheers you up.

A monkey, innit?

Learning something.

Right.

That's a bit weird.

I love the qualifier.

I think it was two different sentences.

I think it was learning something.

That's a bit weird.

Learning something that's a bit weird.

Okay, and finally,

if you could have something to make you happy, what would it be?

Little chimp, wouldn't it?

Little chimp in a suit.

Well, don't answer for it.

Don't put words into me.

You could have anything you want, it'll cheer you up and make you happy.

What would it be?

You can't say a skin of titanium.

It's got to be something possible.

Yeah.

X-ray vision.

No.

What would you have?

It can be conceptual.

It could be world peace.

It doesn't have to be, you know, a new watch.

Someone else wish for that.

Sure.

It would be a waste.

Yeah.

Why should you do it?

And then someone else gets a nice new watch and there's world peace.

You're walking around.

It's nice and peace, but you know what time it is.

He's swanning around.

He's got a lovely new watch and there's no threat of him being bombed.

Exactly.

I'm quite happy the way I am, really.

I don't, I don't really want to be a woman.

But you're on a four.

Yeah, you're a happy scale of four.

You're on a four.

Surely you want to get to ten.

Surely the point of life is to be on ten.

Yeah, but what's what's a ten?

Do you know what I mean?

No.

What's what's a ten?

Contentment, absolute contentment.

Joy in your heart.

Inwardly and outwardly.

Not walking around with a little round mancape with your mouth open going, what's the point of that?

I've done it once.

Is that why you've still got all the condoms?

Because you've done it once.

What's the point of that?

Alright, we're going to get over here.

Some air gel.

Come on.

Ten.

Just one thing that would make you happy.

That would cheer you up if you were feeling low.

Tuesdays off as well?

I'd have the MD.

Just, you know, resign straight away, shall I?

I honestly don't know what would make me happy just like that.

Because I am happy.

I know you say I'm fed up in that.

Do you know what?

He wouldn't want to be too rich.

He said, because if I was too rich, then Suzanne would say, let's go around the world.

He said he wants to be rich enough, so they're happy in that, and they got their bathroom and everything, but they still can't afford any more holidays a year.

Think of that.

Think of that wish.

Think of that capping your wishes.

Do you know what I mean?

Putting a ceiling on your ambition.

i love it it's genius look at his face play a record you mean it's like if you'd won that ticket around charlie's chocolate factory

and he'd said actually carl i want you to take over the factory it was a test you'd have said i just wanted to look around the chocolate factory yeah i'm happy to go back no no he'd have said he said i'll have i'll work it but i'm not working mondays play a record

like give him a chocolate factory if you're a kid

idiot Give him the fat one at least.

He'd enjoyed it more.

And what?

Carl, we're on happiness, Carl.

I was trying to explain to Carl that the aim you know, is really to get on a 10.

Yeah, fat happiness.

I love the fact that he started on a nine.

But I love the fact that he's happy with four.

Yeah, I love that.

No, but what I mean is, right, I'm not looking for like happiness.

No.

I'm only fine.

I'm not looking for happiness.

What?

What's that for?

What I mean is, right,

I'm happy when I'm not fed up.

So what I mean is...

I'm happy when I'm not.

Is this in your new book, Psychology of the Mind?

What is that?

I'm happy when I'm not fed up.

That's like an eight-year-old trying to explain happiness.

Johnny, what is it when I...

I'm happy when I'm not fed up, Miss.

Well done.

Good boy.

That's it.

You're happy when you're not fed up.

Talk like an adult.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying to you, though.

I don't.

I'm happy most of the time.

It's just that when things niggle me, I find that I realise when I'm annoyed more than when I'm happy.

But Carl, every time we talk to you, you are whinging about something.

You've got something that annoys me.

But he's one of those people that if he whinges louder and he gets away with it, like he's in it.

I think he goes, oh, I'm really busy.

I come in and and he's doing nothing, he's chatting because he's having big, long chats with them about how someone's wound him up.

And they all come and they go, Oh, Carl's fed up because he's got this show.

You know what I mean?

He's wormed his way.

Hold on a minute.

You came in, you came in moaning about the post and that today.

Yeah, but everyone's annoyed and frustrated by that.

Their small business is going out of business, but you haven't had me.

No, you're not, because you're sending you letters.

No one.

You've got no friends.

You've said that yourself.

Yeah.

You've openly declared you don't want friends.

They're too much hassle.

Yeah.

That is that is my job.

Friends is that is the point of life to me.

I can't wait to see them.

I squeeze their head.

I welcome them in.

They're annoyingly annoying me.

They're annoying.

Annoying me.

I love it.

Friends are annoying.

He's even scared of doing some with a friend or

getting a gift because he goes, I have to buy one back now.

It's sort of like life's a bit of a chore for Carl, innit?

Well, anyway, alright, let's leave that aside.

Obviously, you're never going to be entirely happy, although apparently you are already on the brink of happiness.

All you have to say is your hair looked nice.

That's all all you have to say yeah it looks good yeah and that's it end of story what's the point in that

what is the point she doesn't really she doesn't really care what you think but she doesn't want to hear that she looks like dave hill from slate she's not having her haircut just to please you carl

despite what you might think

he's taken aback by that yeah yeah yeah

now uh

You weren't speaking to Suzanne last week at this time because

you said she had a a haircut, probably quite an expensive haircut.

She's a lady in media.

She's got to look good.

She goes, she probably doesn't go to the barber like you or just shave it at home.

Probably spent quite a little bit of money on it.

She came home.

She thought, well, my my

sweetheart, my lover, my sweetheart, my, you know what I mean, the man in my bow is going to

love this.

Well, he adores everything about me.

He's going to love my hair.

She walked in.

Hello, Carl.

All right.

You look like Dave Ill from Slade.

Is what you said to the poor woman.

And then talked about it on air.

She was furious about that.

So, what did you do?

She did listen, yeah.

She wasn't happy.

You slagged her hair off.

Yeah.

So, this is probably annoying her now.

Well, no, it doesn't matter.

We can do a lot today because she's at work.

And of course, no one's going to tell her.

Let's have a chat about a fat ass, shall we?

Hold on.

Oh, dude.

Oh, dear.

You are in so much trouble.

That's a

Lois realised.

He has a little bit worried.

Oh,

didn't you go and buy her a coat or something?

I took her out on Sunday and treated her to a new coat and that.

But I offered as well,

I said I'd pay to have it done again.

Oh no, Carl, you have oh God!

Oh my Christ.

So she listened to the show.

What did she say?

You got home, she'd heard you slagging her hair off.

Imagine that.

He thinks that's a good thing.

We've won the pools.

Brilliant.

What are we doing?

Well, you can have facial surgery now, love.

It's sort of like, it's just, oh, Christ.

You offered to have it done again.

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I got home, and

she's like all being nudie with me, right?

Yeah.

You thought something's wrong?

She must have listened to the show when I was slagging off her hair.

Well, his first thought was, she's probably looked at herself in the mirror.

She agrees with me.

Yeah.

Yeah, that barber's been round again.

Yeah.

And

she just said, oh, that wasn't very nice of you, was it?

So I just said, hang on a minute.

I said, that's what we do on the show.

When I'm slagging off, you know, Chinese people looking old or whatever.

I said, you never interfere.

I love the fact.

She's got to get her priority.

I love the fact that she's in the same queue as a billion people you've never met.

Yeah.

That's fantastic.

She's in the same queue.

Well, hey, well, you can complain when I was in the case.

Because Carl, I don't think Carl has ever admitted he might be in the wrong, ever.

Certainly not to your eye.

So did you know?

That is so true.

Isn't it?

That is so true.

He's never admitted that he might be in the wrong.

So did you in this instance agree that maybe you'd overstepped the mark?

No, I just said she she took it badly.

Do you know what I mean?

I mean it's only a haircut.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well.

Steve hasn't seen it, so

you can't start interfering on this one.

No, okay.

No, I haven't seen it, but

I very much doubt she looks like Dave Hill from Slade, who, if I'm,

unless I'm mistaken, used to cut his hair with garden shears blindfolded.

So, you know what I mean?

And did her teeth stick out when she started speaking with a Brummie accent as well?

I've got used to it now, anyway.

And so, did you bought.

So, at some point, you came calling back and you said, Do you want me to buy you a coat?

I just said, Let's leave that.

Let's go out and have a good weekend.

Sure.

But get your hat before we go.

And then

she treated it to a new coat, and that's sort of a nice coat, so it takes

people will look at that rather than

looking at the head.

Because it does it do flash, it's got obscenities across the back.

If anyone who knows Carl's girlfriend is listening

and maybe you're a work colleague and you're listening to the show.

Because I think this is terrible.

Get her to phone him now.

Get her to phone him now.

I mean, get her phone.

I've got an XFM number or something.

What's the fat ass complaint line?

Because you are in deep shade.

You're right, Carly.

How you doing?

Yeah, I'm alright, yeah.

Yeah, come on, up, up, up, bigger buggado.

Up, up, up, yeah?

Project, project.

There's people out there wanting to cheer up their Saturday afternoon.

We're the boys for it, yeah?

We're like quick, quick fitters.

Come on.

Alright, Carl.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on.

Come on.

I'm alright.

I'm up for it.

That's it.

This is the height of excitement.

This is it, is it?

This is you off your head, is it?

High on life.

What does Suzanne say about you saying that a big ass?

Go on.

Should we recap what happened last week?

Well, the week before,

he

said that her haircut looked like Dave Hill from Slade.

She didn't like that.

So that's what I said to her.

She was a bit grumpy.

Went, yeah, I didn't mention her fat ass.

Still thinking that she would never hear about this.

What happened when you went home?

She heard about that off a mate.

Yeah.

And we sorted it out.

Didn't have to buy her anything.

I just sort of said, come on, you know what the show's about and that.

Stop moaning.

That was alright until about Thursday

when I was reading about

you know like they say there's this like two worlds and that and

whatever I'm doing now here there's another one of me doing the same yeah but well no he's probably taking some time off

probably having a week off yeah

but I was just talking about that and she was saying nah that doesn't happen and I sort of said well they definitely won't have aircut like yours

right and that sort of started the argument again it's almost like you haven't learnt your lesson also it's like you're talking about about it again on air almost, in a way, so our mates could hear again.

It's

very short.

Sure.

Carl,

if I cut a hole in a box and you knew there was an orange in there, right, and you put your hand in,

would you be stuck there trying to get that orange out, do you think?

Or would you just let it go and sort of tip it upside down to get it out?

What do you mean?

I think that answers your question.

Is that a carbon box on your hand?

So is there any other things you want to criticise Suzanne for while we're on here?

Anything else?

Anything that's been niggling that you thought you should get off your chest?

The hair, the arse.

Nah, leave it.

Everything else you say.

Leave it.

I think so.

Okay.

That's good.

I think leave it.

Well done.

I mean, it's not what people listen for.

So,

right, redeem yourself.

Have you got the film thing you're in?

Right, yeah.

I'm in a film.

It's Pulp Fiction this week.

Right.

Right.

Changed that a little bit, tweak the storyline a little bit.

Okay.

It's just a little bit.

To make it better, yeah.

It's just a.

Do you know how I've talked about Suzanne's hair and that?

Yeah.

About when she got it caught and didn't like it and that.

So it's sort of about that.

Listen to it, there'll be a question at the end.

You can win some good stuff.

Yeah, well.

And this is a scene where

they're in the restaurant.

Do you know when they're about to do the robbery?

Yeah, play.

So it's not a restaurant, change that, it's a barber's.

Right.

Alright?

Okay.

There you go.

Is there going to be be a question after this?

Yeah.

Alright.

Girlfriend came in here earlier, had a haircut, I'm not happy with it.

Look at the state of that.

Well, don't laugh.

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to cause any fuss, but just

want you to sort it out.

Afraid I can't do that.

Well, you can do that, because it looks a mess.

Look, my friend, this is just where you and I differ.

Well,

you've got to do something, because look at it.

When she came through the front door at home, I thought Dave Ill out slade had walked in.

Funny, I was thinking the same thing.

Look, I don't want to cause any problems or anything.

She hasn't even seen it properly yet.

She sort of had it cut and came straight home and didn't look at it.

Suzanne, just look in that mirror.

Look what they've done to your head.

God damn it, what is it?

Suzanne!

We're not gonna do anything stupid, are we?

I'm the manager here, and there's no problem.

What do you mean it's not a problem?

Look at the state of her hair.

Be calm, Cooperate.

And this will all be over in a minute.

I'm going to go home.

Well, we're not going anywhere until we sort your air out.

I'm not walking home with you.

With your air like that.

It's embarrassing.

So let's just get it.

You die.

No, forget having it die.

Just get it cut.

Colour's not a problem.

Just sort it out.

Just get rid of it.

Let's see what we can do.

Right, good.

Look at it, look at the state of it.

I'm trying real hard.

Suzanne, just keep your head still there so we can...

Just hang in there, baby.

You're doing great.

I'm proud of you.

Just sort that bit out there.

Just put that.

My barber says I've got the hair of a Chinaman.

Have you heard that before?

What?

What's so funny about that?

Is it serious or what?

Freaking me out.

If my answers frighten you, you should cease asking scary questions.

It's almost over.

There you go.

It's not brilliant, but I'll have to do, won't it?

I reckon we'll have to buy her a hat on the way home.

Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Do you think Suzanne's listening?

It's alright, isn't it?

I like the fact that in that she's represented with a sort of dimwit southern accent.

Yeah.

Your girlfriend.

So I'm sure she would have appreciated that.

It was nice, yeah.

It was a nice.

I don't know what kind of copyright infringements that has made.

Yeah.

Well, the question is:

what did I say is odd about my hair?

Odd about your hair?

Yeah.

Fans of the show will know that already, I'm sure.

Yeah, so

email in ricky.jva.xfan.co.uk.

Or, yeah, just email, actually.

Yeah.

Bud.

Right.

But are you comfortable being nude and that?

We've done this.

Well, I don't know what this is.

We did this last week about: are you comfortable being nude?

You're probably most comfortable being nude.

It's just probably not in public.

Well, Ricky's only really comfortable nude when he's eating.

Yeah, yeah, there's nothing to get, you know.

Yeah, you can just wipe yourself down.

Yeah, you just sit in the bath, yeah.

No, but I've talked about that, and then when I went home, I was talking to Suzanne about it, and she said, What's all that about?

You don't like being nude, right?

And I thought,

it's not

like I'm part of an Alan Bennett play.

It's just, I love the way you talk.

Remember once, right?

I don't know if you should talk about this, really.

But well, that means you should, so go on, go on.

Oh, yeah.

Right, we went to

Tenerife, right, one year.

And I'm still living in Manchester United.

I'm scared now.

Yeah, I've always said that.

No, I'm just

thinking about Suzanne, but she's one of the things that I've been talking about.

Well, I don't want to know anything about Suzanne

because it's it involves me more

but I'm just explaining to you that I don't like being nude.

Yeah, so you're in Tenerife?

In Tenerife, right?

Didn't have much money, stayed in this apartment that wasn't wasn't that nice, right?

Had the cockroaches in it and stuff, right?

Didn't have much money to go out at night.

So we're in this sort of death trap of a of an apartment, right?

Anyway, it's when I was younger, right?

I had a bit more energy.

So

you know, start having it away a bit.

It's a joy.

Beautiful.

I've been here to work, love it, God.

Right, so, you know, doing what I do, right?

Someone starts banging on the door.

So Suzanne said,

see me knocking on the door, right, okay.

Knocking on the door, right.

So Suzanne said, you better get it.

So I said, oh, I can't get it now.

Can Can I?

I'll have to wait a bit.

Right,

I can't answer the door.

Cool.

So, the banging's getting louder.

Yeah.

Someone at the door.

Yeah.

And she's like, Oh no, but it must be important.

I'm like, in a minute.

Just so anyway,

I don't want to know anymore.

No, come on, finish the story.

Open the door.

It's a fireman.

So I just stick my head round and he's going, you'll have to get out.

The building's on fire.

So I'm like, in a minute.

Sorry, you weren't still having sex at this point.

No, no, but you know, I've still sort of got to wait a minute or I can't get my pants on.

Oh, Carl, I wish I'd I'm so sorry.

Right, go on.

So

now

the place is burning down.

So it could be a serious big fire going on.

Yeah.

I'm sort of waiting.

You can hear people sort of screaming and that.

Panicking.

Is that because the door's open and you're nude?

The fireman saying, will you get out?

Will you get out?

I'm saying, in a minute.

Right.

And Suzanne was saying, you know,

think of something that's not sexy.

Sure.

So I was thinking of people, you know, thinking maybe dying in a fire might sort of cow you down.

Yeah.

Then the fireman said, we need a big pole.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Go on.

But what I'm saying is that, to me, I wouldn't have wanted to go out and be safe.

Over, do you know what I mean?

Over being naked.

I don't like walking about without on.

So what what I'm saying is,

I love the idea of everyone huddled and there with all the firemen.

It just with the camera's fans long and it's Carl.

Yeah, a local news report.

Naked.

With still.

You have gone out.

We're now on.

But why do I have to go out with Mount on?

I'll just grab a pair of jeans.

Alright, but you've just, you know.

What?

There's a fire, Carl!

Yeah, because I'm not sure.

See, not everyone looks at men's packets.

That's only you remember.

Most of the other firemen wouldn't be going, oh, look at him.

But what interesting is he pleased to see us?

Carl, how long did it take?

And did the thought of dying in a fire help?

After a bit, but the fireman sort of had a go at me.

Sure.

What do you mean?

Well, he wasn't happy that I was dawdling.

Well, to be fair,

but what can you do?

Answers on a postcard

to the usual address, XFM, care of Mr.

Scarlet.

Well let's just get these right right.

No, no, let's play around.

What do you reckon, Carl, to you know, being Ricky's friend?

Did you find that an exhilarating experience?

Something that you enjoyed?

It's all right for about an hour, and then anything over that is when he's just messing about and he wants to hit me on the head with a tray.

We went for lunch yesterday, didn't we?

And that was more than an hour, wasn't it?

Yeah.

And we had a drink in the week, didn't we?

That was more than an hour, wasn't it?

That was a good...

Is he okay when it's just the two of you?

Because I find as soon as there's a third person.

Well, there's a little bit of that, right?

But I went out with Ricky, like you said, right, for a drink in a week.

And,

you know, I went home and Suzanne, the girlfriend, said,

Where have you been?

I said, I've been out for a drink with Ricky.

Hey, you've been out for a while.

What have you been talking about?

I sort of sat there for a minute and I thought,

there's nothing that I can tell her we've been talking about that she'll show any interest in.

She said, well, you must remember something.

I said, I can't, I can't.

She goes, no, something, just anything that you're talking about, what you're talking about.

I said, right.

The one I remember,

one of the topics that came up was: imagine that the only way to have a kid was you had to sleep with a squid.

How many kids would you have?

I would say it was the future, and the squid's like, you know, but the only way they could do it now is like, filter, you had to sleep with a squid.

I was going, would you?

He's going, what do you mean?

I was going, would you?

There's not a time he hasn't got with a conversation buzzing in his head that he got confused about.

Would anyone want a kid that much?

Does the child look like a squid when you have it?

No, it's not.

I was going, no, no, it's normal, but it's like a filter with the system.

The only way you can do it to make sure

you have to impregnate the squid and it's a filter and then you can test your behavior in the future.

Did the busted lads mention that?

But you live underwater.

That's where I got it from.

I said, well, you probably sort of like get quite friendly with him eventually.

You probably would be weeding with the squids.

So

what does Suzanne make of Jumax?

She met him a few times.

Yeah, she just said, oh, she can understand why we sort of get on, because we both sort of come up with daft stuff all the time.

But I'm quite happy to have a discussion.

And then the way that she talks about his partner, like the adult.

Well, I don't know.

That is exactly how I see Suzanne.

If she wasn't there, I don't think you'd get out of the house in the morning.

She'd have tied your shoelaces together.

Yeah, he'd have your ears.

He'd forgot to put your trousers on.

The fire alarm would be going off, and you know, someone would have left a frying pan on.

The builders would be sort of like throwing you round.

Yeah, I imagine she's a sound.

It makes you like a rain of sandwiches.

Well, she's noticed that I don't ask as many questions now.

Because, like, last night was one of the first times in ages that I'd asked her something, right?

What did you ask?

Where's the bathroom?

No, right.

Do you know, like, I'm always thinking stuff when I'm bored, right?

If it's when I'm washing up or what have you.

And last night

she was watching

that midsummer

murders.

Midsummer murders, right?

I don't like it.

I think it's rubbish.

Right.

So

another thing you've got in common, then?

No, but do you know what I mean?

But I watch it.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

She really likes it.

He was watching the microwave.

She's going, Carl, no, this is the telly.

This is the telly.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, this chicken, this chicken.

I've seen this before it's me before it comes round again in a minute.

Carl, come that's the what's the washing machine, Carl?

So she's watching it, loving it, and that, and I'm I'm bored'cause it's just, yeah, it's a boring programme.

So uh so I'm sort of looking through magazines that we've got trying to find animals without heads.

And uh it was in one of her magazines, and there's this article, right, about

these identical twins, brothers, right?

And one of them meets this girl, right?

And it turns out she's got an identical

identical sister.

Right?

So they both go out.

So two identical twins, men going out with two identical twins, sisters.

So I was looking at it, going, oh, that's weird.

Because you see them, like, they're always wearing the same cardigans and that, and that's like...

But then, yeah, but if you're an identical twin, then you probably would fancy the same sort of person, wouldn't you?

But then, I was asking, she was going, she's getting near the, you know, the plot, the murderer.

If they had a kid, would they look the same?

Yeah.

Well,

not necessarily, because it it depends on what genes are passed over.

Even though they've got the same exact sets of genes, that you don't pass on all the genes, do you?

It's 50-50, but you don't pass on exactly the same genes in each sperm, let alone with an identical twin.

Yeah, but even though you don't do that, like my brother and sister don't look like me, but you know they were related.

Because they share 50% of your father's jeans.

Yeah.

No, you share 50% of your father's genes and 50% of your mother's, but not the same 50%

on two occasions.

I think you completely lost your stick.

When you brought in the word genes,

I thought you were thinking, what would you say?

No,

they wouldn't necessarily know.

They could do by

like Oliver Harley looks at Stan Laurel when he's just nailed his hand to a wall or something.

So you just

went, ask Ricky tomorrow.

Yeah, and then

turned up John Nichols.

And then turn it up.

Yeah.

Ah, that is brilliant.

It was a holiday when we went to Tunisia.

And the scouts have pissed you off, surprise, surprise.

Yeah.

But the annoying thing was, you know, when you go on, it was a cheap holiday, and like the lesson here is, you know, if you've got a good holiday, you've got to like spend some money.

And we didn't on this one.

We spent about, I don't know, 400 quid for two of us for like a month or something ridiculous.

And we got there, and you know, you get to the hotel and you go, We have made a mistake.

You know, it's a ropey hotel.

You know, you can tell like that the blinds and stuff as you're walking, they're all dirty and stuff.

Well, let's make the most of it.

You know, let's not get down about it.

It's a holiday, it's got a rest.

And you try and make the most of it, and we had to meet.

Do you know, like, you have one of those things where you get to your destination, and the rep says, right, you know, go and unpack your bags and that, go and suck yourself out in the room.

And tomorrow morning, we'll meet up at 10 o'clock.

And I'll go through, you know, the best sort of place to go for camel rides and, you know, the best deals I can get you.

That sort of thing.

Can anyone here walk like an Egyptian?

So

she says, right, tomorrow morning, meet 10 o'clock in the Discotec.

So we get up and we have breakfast, and it wasn't a good breakfast.

The kitchen was like a bit horrible.

The food wasn't good.

and it was run by sort of midgets

what do you mean it was run not there's anything wrong with that there was little fellas running around and the annoying thing was one of them sort of started to fancy my girlfriend

how did he manifest his his affection no you're not saying there's anything wrong with midgets are you just saying it was strange yeah but even midgets should be cleaning on on car

i don't know but it's also that thing of that you know they've got little fingers and and it's sort of

i'm so sorry no no no i'm not it's it is a bit of a phobia of mine Do you know what I mean?

They are nice people and that.

But the annoying thing is...

So what was he doing then?

How did he I don't understand how he was chatting up your girlfriend?

Was he crawling under the table so you couldn't see?

Just kept it.

Whispering to her from underneath there.

Stop it.

I don't want to get a complaint on our last show.

There's not many niches.

What's going to happen?

Can we just finish this and start up again in a couple of months?

Oh, yeah.

Why are they again?

Is the tip included?

Yeah, go on that one.

Right.

In Turkey.

Nice.

Um, it's not, actually.

That's where I went, and there were them little fellas after Suzanne in the kitchen.

What?

What do you mean?

We stayed in her.

We went to Turkey.

You went to Turkey and there were some little fellas.

Well, they had quite a few sort of midgets working in the kitchen.

Wives?

Is it a theme?

Is it a theme holiday?

I don't know.

Get them cheaper or something.

Was it.

They were working in the kitchen, and one of them fancied Suzanne and kept sort of eyeing her up.

And she was winding me up saying, oh.

Not eyeing up and down, just eyeing her up.

What was she doing in the kitchen?

No, it's like a pick what you want to eat-type buffy, but you have people clearing the tables and that, ready for you to come along.

Are they low tables?

And uh.

And, you know, he was just keeping an eye on her.

Well, what did he say, though?

Was he a little?

He was Turkish, so I don't know what he was saying.

But he was

a little.

A little fellow, yeah.

Did he talk about it?

What do you mean a little fella?

What do you mean, little fella?

Sort of dwarf-like.

What do you mean, dwarf-like?

He had magic powers, or he was four-foot.

What do you mean, Carl?

A little bloke, just like a normal bloke, but small.

If you'd stood him in the desert, you wouldn't know.

But he'd be hot and then right, Carl.

You should watch out for the monkeys.

Yeah, underground.

There's underground.

You can't just say there was a little midget fella who was eyeing up my girlfriend and then leave it.

What do you mean?

What was happening?

This is a story to us.

This is much more interesting to us than, and she was deaf, right?

And she ate her head.

That's much more interesting.

I don't understand how this it manifested itself.

Did he come over and say something?

No, do you know?

You know when it's like girls know, don't they, when someone fancies them.

What do you mean there was lots of them as well?

Do they?

That's worth knowing.

Right, come on.

So

you went to this holiday, yeah?

Yeah, and you went into the dining room or something?

Yeah, downstairs.

And you looked over there.

You thought this is all there's no one serving.

Yeah.

Hold on a minute.

Hold on.

You look down, and there was a little waiter.

There were loads of them running around busy.

Why, though?

Why because they got summer?

What do you mean?

Because it wasn't.

They come out in summer.

They come out in summer.

What do you mean they had more.

Because it's busy, isn't it?

Why were they all midgets?

I don't know.

Maybe it doesn't heat stunt your growth or something?

No!

Well, they just happened to.

Maybe it was a thing that they did for tourists or something.

I don't know.

I just got on with my meal.

It was a holiday.

Do you know what I mean?

God.

So it's a midget serving.

I'm not going to ask any questions.

Right, okay, yeah.

So they're all little fellas running around, and this one always was like, you know, oh, do you want a new serve yet?

You know what I mean?

Going out of his way to sort of.

Yeah, he was going out of his way.

The others weren't.

Right.

I think what was happening is he'd been working with Santa all the winter.

This one was your waiter, and so he was being polite to you.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But what did Suzanne say then?

Well, she was using it to wind you up.

What was she saying?

Oh, just like, you know, look.

He may be small, but he's built like a.

Yeah, he's all men.

Were you jealous of her midget then?

You were jealous of her.

It is a a bit annoying, isn't it?

Why?

It wouldn't bother me as much now, because I've been with her for ages.

Right.

But at the time, that might have been one of our first holidays, and it's like you don't want everybody's got a holiday.

I've paid for this holiday.

And then you get off with a midget.

So, anyway.

But it doesn't matter, because you got chattered by a bearded lady.

I'll tell you what.

No, that's got nothing to do with that.

What were you going to say?

What were you going to say?

I was going to say the hotel was half-bored, and maybe.

Oh, right.

I thought you were going to say it's just one of her shortcomings.

So, listen,

play it around.

Carl's found love on the street before, haven't you?

How's it going with your bread, Carl?

Are you married?

No, no, no.

How long have you been out with her?

Going out with this?

Seven years.

Because, I mean, you're quite a simple man.

Yeah.

You're sort of a simple man.

In a nice way.

I mean, you're like Helen from Big Brother.

You're sort of nice enough, but.

But I look normal.

Well, yeah, you sort of do.

But you could be one of those that just suddenly go mental with a pen.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Have people through the eyes.

Yeah, yeah, you sort of look normal.

But I wouldn't really want to wind you up to a point of frenzy.

How did you meet your girlfriend?

Through work.

What, through her work?

You found out and said you.

She works at the same place.

Oh, you're right, right, right, right.

You're quite an enigma, aren't you?

Could you give us more on that?

At work, you met her at work.

What, she came in selling sandwiches?

She was going through the bins outside.

What do you mean, you met her?

Why are you having an attack on me?

You're all the one who's sucking lonely.

Oh, he's done you again.

He's done you again.

Yeah, but what I thought was interesting was I just scratched at him and he just went mental.

Yeah, no.

He's like a bear caught in a trap.

It's funny, innit?

You'll never learn.

Well, I was just interested to find out what the story was, because it might be a really romantic story.

Well, it's not.

Alright, geez.

I mean, he doesn't want to talk about his love affair.

I was thinking about you in the week.

And, like...

Does it worry you?

I mean, you sort of joke about it now and we're talking about it in the office, you know, like, oh, is Steve really touched about the way he looks?

Oh, what's this?

Where's that come from?

He's done it again.

He's done you again.

I was walking home the other night and I was thinking about it.

And do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?

You did start it though, didn't you?

Well, Carl, I'm glad you've brought this up.

Because no, no, because I mean, for me, you know, a lightweight, frothy entertainment show on XFM on a Saturday afternoon is exactly the place

where I want to discuss the desperate, lonely future that's inevitably coming my way.

Oh god, I in the week, I called Carl up and said, How are you, mate?

You went not too bad.

Now, as you know, his girlfriend's been away for ages, hasn't she?

Covering the World Cup, the African Cup

Nations Cup.

She's a sports journalist.

Wow, yeah.

Alright.

I love about you thinking, what does that mean?

Well, she's not much of a journalist, Rick, to be honest.

I've read some of her stuff.

No, but she's not on air.

She does stuff, you know.

Yeah, behind the scenes.

Yeah.

Sure, sure, sure.

A lot of journalists do.

You're not going out with Kate Adie.

That's what you want to to make clear, isn't it?

Yeah.

Now,

so she'd seen none of the meteoric rise of Carl as a boy.

She's been away for all the whole time she's been.

A raffon become a wit.

A cult figure, to be honest.

And he hadn't told her this.

So

apparently he went home and she was sitting there looking a bit grumpy.

He went all right, she said, Yeah.

She went, should we go out then?

She went, I'm not sure I want to go out with an idiot.

Oh no!

Yeah, because she went, Loch Ness monster, won't you just think?

Of course the Loch Ness monster lives in in Loch Ness.

And she was giving a bit of a hard time.

And she went, that's why he said, that's why

I didn't tell her.

I didn't tell her, really.

Same thing happened when I was at school, and I had to play drums in Little Donkey.

Carl,

are you thinking of starting a family?

Only if, like, an accident happens or something.

Yeah.

Were you there, Rick, when we were chatting about this the other day?

Oh, yeah, no.

What did you say?

Well, we're talking about his career and because he's on MTV and I was going, oh, you've got to do this now.

He's going, look, if it happens, it happens.

I've said to to San, if it happens, it happens.

She goes, what are your plans?

I was saying with Beau.

She said, are we going to have kids tonight?

I go, look, if it happens, it happens.

I'll go, well, how would it happen?

He goes, if a condom splits.

Amazing.

I love the idea that that's the way you plan for a child.

Imagine telling them that.

Where was I conceived?

Can't remember, the condom split.

Yeah.

You're an accident.

I love that.

The romantic nature of that is a good idea.

I thought I was told I was an accident, but you know, it doesn't matter, is it?

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

Do many people sit down and say, right?

Do you think we should?

Yes.

Well as they lay down.

Yeah.

I'm busy.

You can't play you can't sit down you haven't got time for that discussion.

No it doesn't mean the conception, I think it means bringing up a child till it's eighteen.

But the thing is as well, it's one of them, isn't it?

It's like if you think about having one you go well

the sort of negatives you know outweigh the positives

I think.

Right?

Cool.

But if you have one you go oh it's not that bad is it?

So what are the positives and what are the negatives?

Like I say, the negatives outweigh it.

I can't think of that many positives.

They get in the way, don't they?

Cost you a lot, costs a lot of money.

Same with marriage, like Suzanne's saying, Well, we get married, so what for?

Well, marriage doesn't cost anything.

Well, it does.

Well, no, you know, if you go to the registry office and then buy a house, but then what's the point?

Well, tax breaks, you know, presents.

I don't think you get them anymore.

Don't you?

I looked into that.

You are romantic.

What would you rather have?

A ring or a 3% saving?

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

Well,

I don't see the point anyway.

I got down on one knee and presented him with some inland revenue forms.

Just to show the benefits.

That is great.

I mean, if you are planning it, I think you've got to involve me and Steve in the radio station because it'll be...

I mean, you take quite a lot on, don't you?

So if you've got a kid at home and you're not sleepy, you haven't steps until you're 12, you've got this, you've got MTV, you've got a kid, you know, it might be one step too far because I wouldn't want, I wouldn't, I wouldn't want to push you over the edge.

Go on, sorry.

No, I just was going to say, I was talking to Suzanne last night about it and saying,

you know,

about earning money and that.

And she said, well, you're already sort of earned a little bit more than me.

So, you know, if you get loads of money, she said, I'd be happy staying at home and doing nothing, maybe looking after a kid.

I said, oh, so that's not happening.

I said, I could have a load of money now tucked away.

I could have won some money and I wouldn't tell you.

I I still want sort of that check offer every month.

Cause I get a cheque offer to sort of pay the bills.

Yeah.

And I think you need to keep that in a relationship.

Sure.

Do you know what I mean?

Work as a team.

Yeah, that's not working as a team.

Of course it is.

Well no you share everything.

Sharing everything is working as a team.

Whether you earn stuff on thir thirty-five grand back.

It's not like you think that oh no I've uh I won the pools but I give her off she'll get lazy.

She'll just sit around the house doing nout.

So she's still got to go to work and a job she hates.

Yeah.

I tell you though she thinks that it'd be the worst thing that could happen if we got a load of money.

Because she'd want to go to Egypt.

I tell her I'm not going.

Why would she want to go to Egypt?

I don't, that's what I said.

No,

why does she want to go to Egypt?

She wins a lot of money.

She said it's meant to be pretty good.

So the incredible wonders of the pyramids and the Sphinx and so on, that's not of any interest to you.

I've seen it though on the telly and that.

I don't want to go all that way just to see it.

Exactly.

Exactly.

That's pretty much.

Do you experience other cultures, other lifestyles?

Travel broadens the mind?

Well,

you don't.

No, not really.

You've seen enough different ones here, haven't you?

Yeah.

There's parts of

women you haven't seen yet.

Yeah.

Okay, well, so

you don't want to make enough money.

You don't want to make a lot of money because you're worried that Suzanne might want to go to Egypt.

And then that will be.

And that's what I'm going to do.

I don't want to tell her that I'm making a lot of money.

I can still tuck it away.

Right.

And what will you do with it?

But

when you turn up in a big converted limb, it goes,

da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da we're going to a bingo.

Where'd you get the car from?

Never that you mind.

Right?

Won't you be suspicious?

When you've got a pet chimp.

You know what I mean?

What are you, I mean, yeah, what would you spend it on?

Is there nothing that you want for?

No, I've never.

No, there's no at the moment.

Honestly,

I'm quite happy.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't ask for much.

But you're not happy.

You're always whinging and mooning.

Always whinging.

Clearly, there's something wrong.

If someone gave you, okay, right, let's be serious.

We're not talking about billions, right?

But if someone gave you a cash injection, just a one-off cash payment of £250,000, okay,

what would you do with it?

I mean, that's too easy, because that should obviously be a house.

That should be the best house you can find in London.

Probably what I've gone to a tornado.

Carl's in a bad mood already.

He's been in about three minutes and he's in a bad mood getting stressed.

If you can't hack it, leave.

What's the matter with you?

No, I'm just saying.

It's been.

I was meant to enjoy last Saturday off and I didn't.

Why not?

Why is that our fault?

Because you weren't here.

Just because.

I don't know.

But.

Are you not in the Christmas spirit?

Why didn't you enjoy last Saturday?

What did you do?

Right, I went all the way back up north again, right?

Because it was Suzanne's dad's birthday, right?

I was busy last week, didn't have time to get him a present or anything.

Didn't have time to get him present.

So So I got to Houston Station, bought a card for him, which was a Christmas card, so he wasn't happy because he was saying it's my birthday.

And I said, well, I won't be seeing you again.

So I've got a joint card.

And then we went out.

Did you get him a present?

Well, no, because we went out on Saturday night for something to eat at this pub that he likes that does nice steak and onion rings, right?

So he should have been happy anyway.

But you pay for it?

No, no.

But you should have been happy anyway.

Suzanne pays for that because it is her dad, right?

Not mine.

So I said, all right, what can I do?

I said to her.

So she said, just buy a few drinks or something.

Anyway, I didn't get around to getting drinks because I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I didn't get around to getting the drinks.

Right, so I said, right, I'll pay for the cab.

Right?

Oh, what a lovely Christmas gift that is.

Yeah, £2.50.

I paid, no, it was like

three quid back.

So six quid you spent on him?

Well, no, I spent more.

See, that's what he said.

He said, you get the Bolton and back, can't you?

He said, oh, you've spent on me six quid for my birthday.

I said, no, I haven't, because I gave the taxi driver a ten.

I'm a little bit worried about his attitude as well.

Because even if, I mean, that is a stingy present, but you don't go.

I mean, let's be be honest, that's the worst Christmas gift ever.

Because, I mean, you're pretty bad, like we discussed in the past, but at least you spend a bit of money.

Yeah.

It's just thoughtless.

It's nothing.

I'm not giving him any time.

I mean, I would.

And I knew my demographic.

They loved it, my family.

They couldn't believe their luck.

You know.

A tenor.

You spent a tenor on him.

Well, the cable was six quick.

But the thing is,

I don't think he's saying that.

I think it's the fact that this is like, you know, frittering away.

He would have loved it.

I'm sure he would have been appreciative of a lovely £10 gift that you cared about and bought.

A book he probably likes fly fishing, doesn't he?

By J.R.

Hartley.

If you'd have bought that, he'd have gone, that's what I was looking for.

Or E, what I was looking for, Carl.

E, bloody hell, Carl, you little bald twat.

That's just what I wanted.

So, all right, so just come see.

So, what have you got planned for Christmas?

Is this what?

I mean, have you, are you spent, are you doing the same Christmas Christmas?

Excellent.

You've paid me milk bill for this week.

That were re nice.

I'm spent this year.

So, have you planned anything for Suzanne or you just yeah I'm taking her out Christmas Day for something to eat well don't does she know that is that is that she's working today so she'd you should you know so

what Christmas gift have you got

that's it I'm taking her out what you haven't got you haven't got a present no because we've spent a lot

that's half yours though you're gonna be eating you're not gonna just be sitting there watching her eat going oh I'm hungry but I spent all you're gonna be eating as well that's half yours so you've got she's got nothing to unwrap

like a cat who's hit she's got nothing to unwrap there's nothing she's gonna hand something over to you, because I've met the woman.

She will.

She'll hand something over.

You'll open it.

You'll love her.

I might get something in today.

You shouldn't take me to begrudging in the middle of the day.

God.

Right, right, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, we're going to bundle.

Time for White Van Man.

White Van Man.

Yes, for those that those that don't buy the sun, they think it's beneath them.

White Van Man is a column they have, I think, every day actually, and they just get sort of some, you know, Joe Public to kind of of comment on the week's news just seems to me uh you know that it might be interesting to uh to get Carl's views yeah on some of the things

not because we think that Carl hasn't got a valid sort of viewpoint no because Carl sees the world differently to some people that's all that's that's what's interesting you know like an artist does or a exactly yeah he's very bohemian in his outlook yeah do you uh do you feel that you're up to scratch on this week's news I don't like this but don't you just relax why not it's pressure no no no because you just have to give us your first

honest answer that's all we've ever asked of you Carl and that's all you've ever given us.

Your honest, your first from the heart

view, yeah?

Don't worry, just for that.

Just chill in.

Are you worried that people are listening and thinking you're an idiot?

If the girlfriend's listening now, go and have a wash or something.

Go and have a wash?

That's not very nice, is it?

Is it the opposite of Napoleon and Josephine?

Yeah, go on.

Go on.

If you're going to visit me again, Josephine, for quite sake, what?

I'll lead you in with something fairly easy.

A music-based question.

Kylie Minergue vs.

Dido as Queen of the Brits.

What's your view there?

Go and have a watch.

It doesn't really matter, does it?

What does it really matter?

With the Brits.

What do you make of the real-life Mowgli who's surviving in a Transylvanian countryside?

Apparently, I don't know much about this story.

I don't know.

You know Mowgli, he's the guy from the bungalow.

Yeah.

Little kid that grew up with bears and animals and stuff.

Apparently, there's a real-life one in Transylvania.

What were the things in gremlins?

What were the what?

In gremlins, they were.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, this is an example.

This is what your girlfriend said.

Think.

What were the things in gremlins called?

I can't remember.

Just, I mean, really.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Just really, really think now, Carl.

Just with all with everything you've ever...

With all the brain power you've ever used,

think what the things in gremlins were called.

It's not there.

There's a clue here.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

By the way, you know when he was called about Mowgli?

You know, he said was going to talk about Mowgli and you said, oh, what are the gremlins called?

Yeah.

Were you thinking of, oh, Magwai.

Magwai.

Yeah.

But they were still called

gremlins, yeah.

Yeah.

I know what you're thinking.

I know, to be fair.

But my girlfriend won't be listening now, so

she'll still think I'm a bit daft.

She n how c why why would she ever think that?

How long have you been going out with her?

About eight years.

Well then w why would she ever think you're daft?

That's the only stupid thing you've ever said of the Magwai thing.

Why would she ever think she's going out with a,

to be honest,

a

retard?

I think it's a very beautiful relationship you must have, you know, because it's odd.

I mean, she's a professional journalist or whatever.

Yeah.

You know, and she works for, is it Radio 5 or something?

BBC Sports.

BBC Sport.

So

English quite good.

Is English quite good?

Her?

Really good.

Yeah?

So.

And did she do her exams?

Yeah.

She's quite bright.

Sure.

So what do you bring to the relationship?

I I think uh take the pressure off her

take the pressure off her

to do what?

You know like

when she's had a stressful day and she comes home and talks to me I think

you would relax me and that's the truth.

Honestly, if I you know Carl you can just he can just go well it's all right.

Do you know what I mean?

He doesn't you don't get stressed.

He sits in his little booth now.

He doesn't talk to anyone, his little sound booth, ill the week.

And you just you just you're in your own little world, aren't you

steve yes carl came round to my flat

uh it was tuesday night wasn't it nice place now um thanks now

last week after the show i think you guys were in the time you were in the toilet like carl got out the lottery uh ticket that he'd bought he went i'm feeling really confident tonight he was going i was going i laughed he went no no seriously he said look at the numbers and i looked at them and i think they were four six eight twenty thirty six forty eight weren't they he's going, I've just got a feeling about those, I'm not sure.

He went, although, you know, my girlfriend said that, you know, if I won the lottery, we'd probably split up because we like such different things, meaning she likes to travel and he doesn't.

And so he said, he said, so what I said was, well, if I win, then I won't tell you.

I'll just treat you a little bit more.

Brilliant.

That's brilliant logic.

That is great.

Anyway.

I'll look after her.

Oh, I imagine you take care of her, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a good guy.

How would you do it then?

You'd just sneak little gifts in slowly over many years.

Yeah.

You don't think she'd rumble the fact that you like don't work anymore and drive a Lamborghini?

Well, I'd still do this, I think.

What, just like as a kind of beard, as a cover story.

Yeah, just so you'd pretend to come to work, but maybe off partying and stuff in the daytime.

Yeah.

Clever.

Now, he didn't win.

Okay.

I phoned him up Saturday night, he went one number.

One number.

I think it was eight, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was all there was a lot of eights on my piece of paper, weren't they?

So I think it was either an eight or an eighteen or a forty-eight.

And he went and he and he was was disappointed.

He said waste of time.

I went, well he said, no, waste of time.

He said, I've worked it out.

I went, go on.

He went, there are 26 letters in the alphabet.

I went, yeah.

He went, think how many words you can make out of them.

He went, there are 48 numbers on the lottery.

I went, yeah, 60 million to one.

He went, yeah.

I looked into that in the week, right?

And there's even less letters in the Welsh alphabet.

They've only got 20.

And yet they've got loads of words as well.

So even 20, the chances

if there was twenty numbers and you had to pick six winners, it'd still be really

unlikely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You should be a mathematician.

And anyway, so we got talking about it.

We got talking.

That was me, him and Jane right there.

And uh and I told Jane that he said, Well, oh if you won the lottery, no, he doesn't like travel.

And she went, Well, you like travelling?

And he went, Well, I'm ri I don't like planes, I don't tr I'm really scared of planes and that.

And she went, Well, if you won the lottery, you could could d have a world cruise and he went no she went if I said I went no he said

if you go on a world cruise what do you do next year

I know a few gay people and they start to party late on that's what in Soho right girlfriend got in a cab right Suzanne was in a cab and the cab driver was taking her to an early start right she works for the BBC early start four in the morning it was going down it was mental in Soho at four in the morning They were all still like starting the night out.

How do you know they're going?

It's so old, isn't it?

Obese.

It's always when my girlfriend's working away, I always think about odd things.

Do you think odd times?

Doesn't she leave you shiny things or videos in so

you don't get too depressed?

You can...

Well,

last night when I sent you that text.

That was...

Right.

Right, let's play a record.

This sounds intriguing because I'm not sure.

It is intriguing.

It's incredible.

Right, play a record.

Right, wait for this text that Carl sent me.

I woke up this morning, yeah, feeling fine.

It's not a blues song, and I turned my phone on, and it was from Carl, and it went, forget it, I've made my mind up.

And I thought, wow, what is that?

Forget it, I've made my mind up.

Yeah, I went, Carl, what is it?

He went, oh no, it's about the text I sent you last night.

I went, well, what was it?

I just got this text.

He went, ah.

Oh, I was just wondering.

I was thinking last night.

He says, supposing you have to have your hands removed.

Sure.

Right?

And the doctor said, well,

you can either have them stay like that with stumps or I can sew feet there.

What would you have?

And I was bleary-eyed and I went, the stumps.

He went, yeah.

I went, all right.

He went, yeah.

And then what was his follow-up text to that?

And then I got the text.

It was obviously before it, and it went, and it was like quite serious.

What would you do?

If so, not doing your hands, would you have stumps or the feet?

Now, the way, when I said, he's made his mind up, and I went the stumps, he went, yeah.

I think secretly he decided on the feet, but was too embarrassed to tell me.

There's a little

bit of what would you do?

Because it's it But why did you think of this?

Why did you think of this?

Girlfriend is away, right?

Yeah, no, that's not why you start thinking bizarre surgery devices.

I'll let you into my little mind, right?

Last night, I um I had some beans on toast, right?

She was away.

It's good already.

She was away, she had some beans on toast.

She went wild.

Yeah.

Right?

Now, I was stood up.

I live on like a high street, right?

So I'm washing up.

I'm looking out the window.

First thing that had my attention is I can look into other people's flats, right?

Yeah.

And it was weird how all these different lives were going on.

I was watching them.

And everybody had the telly on and was watching Volcano.

right which was on last night right and i thought oh that's weird right i can see them all watching it And it was like a little Chinese lad who was dancing around in some underpants.

And then there's a little old woman who lives downstairs who was reading a book, and she's always reading a book every night.

And it's like, I have a better life than her.

And then there's like some sort of bouncer who's always getting ready to go out late at night with all the black on.

He looks like a bouncer.

So I was watching all this life going on.

I thought, Did you witness the murder while you were doing this?

Yeah, it was like that sort of sliver film where that bloke had loads of tellies watching it.

So that was going on in my mind.

And then I was washing up

and I picked up the plate and I thought it's amazing isn't it the the human body the way you can just sort of you know I want to pick that up and you do yes and the way your hands work right you've got five little digits but it's it's just the right amount to do what

to do what you've got to do right

so

so I'm washing cleaning the plate sorry Carl stop it's just the right amount might be one of the most genius things I've ever heard said I would love David Attenborough to phone you up and say car how do i word this about the evolution of the mammalian front uh limb just go we'll just say it's the right amount

but it is it is one extra would get in the way yeah one less would just make it a little bit more tricky when picking up a bit of a slippery dish

or buying gloves

a slippery dish so then i was thinking oh imagine like going to the doctors and he's saying yeah everything's all right your art's good and everything but your art's good what your larry's or yeah

your heart, you're in good form and whatever.

Yeah, that's good news.

You know, I had Gianno in earlier, he's not looking good.

But you're alright, but your hands need to come off.

Right.

That's bad.

I get a second opinion in this shoe.

Oh, God.

But I bet a good news: I've got a nice pair of feet I can sort you out with.

And he puts them on, and then I was thinking, right, first of all, washing up, what would that be like?

Steve,

that'd be tricky.

And then the second thing was it'd probably ruin sort of the shape of your jumper.

Because you have to keep putting the feet through there.

And then I thought, but I could still cycle in.

Okay.

But you could run in.

Well, that's the thing.

You'd be really fast.

Well, that's what I was thinking.

I thought, I could still cycle because I could balance.

And then I thought, but the only thing is I probably couldn't pull the brakes.

Because of little short things.

And then, like you, I thought, but then again, you'd run in half the time.

so that's what was going on in last night right that's what I was thinking about but so you know my girlfriend's always saying

you know what impresses you yeah you know because you were saying the other day do you want to go to Egypt and said no not really she goes but don't you want to see the pyramids not interested it's like I've seen them on the telly you know sure are they going to be that much more amazing when you see them in real life good point good point how did you ever move out of your street in Manchester but hang on no sorry I'm interested to know because this is a this is something that he came up with and this is someone that loves him and and that he respects.

So I'm interested to see what was your answer to what impresses you?

I don't think I did answer it.

I just said, you know, the odd things.

You just said, I'm asleep.

Little things.

Little things.

Like, I ran home the other night and said, oh, I've just learnt something today.

She goes, go on.

And do you know, Lego bricks?

Oh, yeah.

The name came about because some kid's ma'am,

the kid was messing with the bricks, and she said, Lego of them and come and have your dinner.

Play record.

It's got to be rubbish.

It's got to be rubbish.

I mean the one thing I do like about um this show uh for all its faults is the honesty.

Yeah.

I mean that can be good and bad.

I mean it's I mean some people think it's it's sloppy, arrogance, laziness, you know, faultlessness.

Yeah.

But

I like to think it's honesty.

It's like a peek into the to the mind and workings of Carl Pilkerton.

He just said to me, because he was shaking, because he said to me, and I quote, he said, oh, he's just whitering to himself, I must remember to eat next time Suzanne's away.

I know.

I know.

I must remember to eat next time Suzanne's away.

No, but you did.

I mean, I wonder if I lived on my own, if I'd still be about.

Because I'd just neglect myself.

Yeah.

So, I mean, for all I've eaten.

A lot of self-abuse.

Is that exactly?

I had lasagna last night that I messed up.

Why did you mess up?

I watched it for too long.

It was like a brick.

Right?

And she called up and said, have you eaten no hen?

Yeah.

She went, was it nice?

What do you have?

I said, Lasagna, was it nice?

I thought, I don't want her to worry, because she's probably been out and had a good meal with all the work people.

I didn't want to say, well, I'm, you know.

Then she went, okay, fine, fine.

And I go, that can't go.

Yeah, I bet he cooked it like a brick.

I bet he threw it away.

Anyway, ginatonic.

And I had Scotch pancakes for breakfast.

That is all I've had.

So I'm starving.

I'm shaky.

Plus, I've got that restless leg syndrome still going on, which I can't get rid of.

What's restless leg syndrome?

I find

if I go to bed, right,

my body's tired, but my legs aren't.

Are you like Michael Flatley?

You have to get up and do a bit of tap dancing.

Do they just keep going even when you're asleep?

They're just moving about, so I have to get up and stretch them or something.

Or I've worked out that if I put a pillar on like the bed post down at the other end, if I have my legs higher than my heart, it calms it down a bit.

Is this why Suzanne works away so often?

I don't know, I don't know, it's weird.

To get a decent night's sleep.

I put it down to smarties and that it's like a sugar thing.

But

stop eating them.

Apparently Bob Mortimer's got it as well.

No, he's got arthritis.

Has he?

You told me in the week that you'd mastered moon walking.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can do that.

Is that one of the things you did, like in the middle of the making?

It's moon sleepwalking.

He just gets out.

He finds himself walking backwards and he wakes up and goes, oh God, I'm brilliant.

I'm brilliant at this.

Right, so listen, what we're doing now, we're doing we're getting a debate going about

actually, right?

Go on, we're struggling, go on.

No, no, you can help me out here, Carl.

You've got an idea.

I can see it in your eyes.

He's got a brilliant idea.

Wait for it, go on.

No, no.

It's something when I was looking on the web, found something out.

Go on.

It's a story about a woman who had a baby.

Who had a baby.

What are you talking about?

Now, listen, Carl, you're going on holiday.

You need a little rest, don't you?

Yeah.

What's the vibe?

What's the vibe of the day?

What's the

crack on holiday?

Come on.

Where are you going?

Madeira.

Right.

Good.

It's for Suzanne's dad, right?

My girlfriend's dad.

He's 60, so.

Yeah, that's the average age in Madeira.

Checking out.

It's good it's quite little quite, yeah.

So my Damo went to Madeira

and he was worried about sort of terrorism on the plane.

And he looked around and he thought, well, if someone gets up, someone will wrestle him to the floor.

And he looked around, and he was the only one he realised could have got out of his seat quickly enough.

So you'll enjoy it.

It's quite quiet.

It's nice.

He'll be alright.

I mean, it's the first time a mum and dad have been away, so.

Whatever?

Abroad, yeah.

So they're worrying about...

They just don't understand the rules and stuff, so they're panicking a bit.

And then in the week, he comes up.

They're going to take livestock.

Yeah.

Well, it's getting like that.

He was like, Are they filling loads of dirags with heroin as we speak?

No, but do they know about passports expiring, don't they?

I mean, they're not completely stupid.

They know about all that, right?

Yeah.

And he called up in the week.

One of the questions said,

What's the best thing when you're going abroad?

It's the best thing to use to carry tea bags.

So it was like, what are you worrying about that for?

They'll sell tea bags out there.

And he's like, well, we want to take our own.

It's like, they'll sell tea bags.

And he's worrying about that.

He's saying, can I put it in a glass jar?

So put it in a glass jar then.

He said, oh, I'll bubble wrap it.

So he's bubble wrapping a tea thing.

It's just, I mean, it is annoying me a bit because it's meant to be a week off from you annoying me, and already he's niggling me.

But you are easily wound up.

You are a very finickety little fussy person.

You don't like any slightest bit of pressure.

See, I thrive on pressure on it.

Working here, working there.

That's always doing stuff.

Monkey News.

Oh, yeah, Monkey News.

I've got an email I read it to on here, it's rubbish, but that's one feature.

That's my dick done.

That's all I have to do.

I'll tell you what, when I'm away next week, do monkey news and see what you can find out.

Alright.

Carl Pilmerton is on holiday next week.

Where has he gone?

Mauritius, was it?

Madeira.

Madeira.

I think with

his girlfriend's parents.

You remember last week he was worried they'd never been abroad and her dad was saying how was

play to pack tea bags?

Yeah, Carl's going, you'll get him over there.

And he's going, we're going to put him in a jar, go put him in a jar.

I phoned him up in the week, just before he went, I think before I said, have a nice time.

And Sunday, and he said,

guess what he's doing now?

What?

He said, he's packing margarine.

Of course he is.

Steve's a bit quiet.

He's got a bit of a sore throat.

Oh, a bit of a sore throat.

Murder.

All week.

It's been murder, Rick.

We couldn't work all this week because

Steve's been in.

Carl, you're not impressed?

I don't understand why having a sore throat

sort of

right what if the sore throat was so painful it was like you've got broken glass and razor blades in your throat.

You can hear now that I'm not even speaking from down in the throat, I'm speaking from the very top of it like that, so it sounds a bit weird.

But you're right.

What?

Your hands are all right, aren't they?

Yeah, but we talk when we're writing, don't we?

I can barely talk.

It was in mur it was agony.

I couldn't sleep because it was so painful.

Even when I was just lying there, motionless, it was hurting.

I I just was surprised'cause I got back off holiday and

called Ricky and said, Alright, is Steve alright?

And he said,

Oh, he's had to go back home or something, and he's stayed there because he's got a sore throat.

Yeah, I didn't understand why you can't just go home.

I mean, how old are you?

What?

I don't understand why you've got to go at your mum and dad's when you feel home.

I happened to be at my mum and dad's, my mum and dad's, now I'm talking like you,

when this sore throat really kicked in.

So I thought I may as well stay and get a bit of the creature comforts of home.

Do you know what I I pictured though when he told me?

See, my parents aren't like yours, Carl.

Your father would have popped down to the phone box and maybe looked to see if there were any kind of throat loss and distress.

Yeah.

Whereas my mum phones at the doctor first thing she can, I'm straight down there with my dad.

They're snapping into action.

They're trying to sort me out.

It's a bit like that Ronnie Corbett.

Sorry.

Sorry.

You're right, Carl.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

It's just like.

You just went on holiday with your parents.

Well, not me mine.

No, Suzanne's, and it won't be happening again.

So

that's that sort of thing.

We'll have more of that a little bit later.

Interesting.

But it's just that th I mean, we were talking about it last night'cause I was saying to Suzanne, I said, Oh, Steve's, you know, he's been living at home all week.

She said, Oh, he's a little bit of a drink.

I like the way he talks about you behind your back as well, fine.

And she said,

What's up with him?

And I said, Oh, he's he's got a sore throat or something.

She went sore throat.

So, um she said, Well, you don't know how serious it is.

Don't be, you know, don't be a fan with him tomorrow,'cause, you know, if he's coming in, he's still not right.

'Cause she's she always sticks up for you.

Yeah.

Right.

And she said,

she said, and anyway, you're no good when people are ill.

I said, I'm going, what are you talking about?

So apparently, when we first sort of started going out, the first time she was ill, she kind of thought she saw the real me

'cause she was ill ill in bed and that.

And I said, Oh, get up.

Of course, you can drink the you can drink alcohol with these.

And I just was like, you know, you make yourself feel worse if you lie in bed.

I said, come on, we need to go shopping.

And she said, you go shopping.

I said, no, I'm not because I'm rubbish at shopping for food.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm alright at getting that night's food, but once it starts, like, you've got a plan.

Sure, yeah, you're dropping the bananas, you're dropping.

You forget all sorts of stuff.

Because

they were the floor.

Well, she was like feeling hot on that.

She said, I've got a temperature.

I said, well, come to the supermarket and not hang about in the chicken for lunch.

Frozen chicken section, cool yourself down.

Yeah, sure.

And

it made her worse so now she was like do you remember that and i was like

who's that who's that hot woman sitting in the chicken fillets that's carl's girlfriend

she's obviously ill again even when it was can i ask because after last week's uh show when you had your breakdown um you went off to hastings with your uh girlfriend stroke carer Suzanne um now what does she because whenever we meet Suzanne we bumped into Suzanne recently with the BBC Ricky and I she's always very nice to us very polite we have a nice little chat but I'm always wondering what is it that she thinks of us really you You know, because I'm assuming you immediately go home and whinge.

No, but they tortured me.

You saw they tortured me on air.

Now, what does she make of us?

Did she listen to the show last week?

Yeah, she did, yeah.

She knew I was annoyed.

Right.

So she sort of gave me a look, like,

you know what I mean, like that.

Because we went to A.

That wasn't because you had like Marmite or something over your face.

No, no, it was like, no.

So we didn't talk for a bit.

I just was like, you know, getting over it, thinking, I'm sick of this.

Yeah.

Right?

You know, is the new kitchen really worth it and all that?

I phoned him up and left a message after the show.

I said, you seemed a bit quiet when you left.

I just want to make sure it wasn't anything I said.

But no, no one.

You're still doing your Samaritan.

Yeah.

Did it ring or did you just ignore it?

Let's go to answering machine.

I think I turned it off.

I left it off.

Don't know.

I just left it off all day.

But what does she make of us?

Does she genuinely think, does she not really like us?

It's weird because there's no one

who she doesn't really like, which annoys me because she says to me, well, she says to me, I'm the opposite, do you know what I mean?

I'm like, oh, everybody annoys you.

Yeah.

And it's like, well,

but that's my choice, right?

And that's why I don't bother getting mates and that because it's just hassle.

Yeah.

But the problem is, sometimes me being like that affects stuff that she wants to do.

So, you know, if a mate...

Like, see her family and friends.

Well, let's not say her family or friends, but say if one of her mates had a a baby.

Right.

Right.

Right.

I mean, you know, naming their names.

So this happened.

Well, I've just got to

watch what I'm doing, haven't I now?

Because of all

the builder who knows you, slapping him off and saying indic stuff.

Yeah.

So, you know, she's got a few mates who have had kids recently.

Right, so one of them had a kid, yeah, go on.

Right.

And

she wanted to go and see it.

Right.

And she said you can come with us.

And I was like,

you know what I feel about babies.

Sure.

You've seen one, you've seen them all.

Yeah.

They all look like Mousemith.

Why do I need to see another one?

Right?

And she's like, yeah, but come and see it.

You know, you get on with them.

Come and see them.

And I was like,

it's a long way away.

Do you know what I mean?

That's probably narrowed it down again.

Yeah.

So,

and that annoys her, because I can't be bothered.

What did you say?

Did you say, oh, no, I'm not coming to see him, I don't like him.

I'm not going all the way to Swindon.

What is he?

Or Birmingham or uh or Cornwall or whatever

you know who you are if you had a baby sort of in the last

and Carbon show up and Suzanne said what does what Suzanne what what excuse did she say you're working or busy or well to be fair I was working right and they are nice people and so now you're backdragging because now do they listen do they do they listen to the show

they might they might do so you know they listen to the show so once again you've got an anecdote where the people who you've admitted to not liking to see their baby or care about them are listening to the show

Maybe it's I don't know, maybe the builder's listening.

Once again, most people are like'em.

Just summer their baby.

Just sneeze in the chili pot.

When the kids are old, they're all going to see'em.

Do you know what I mean?

When it's got its own little character.

As a baby, it could be any baby.

You know what I mean?

It's got nothing to offer me.

I know what you mean.

I know what you mean.

It could be a toy baby.

But you know what I mean?

It could be a bag of sugar.

No, I know what you mean, yeah.

When it can start talking and, you know.

Yeah.

It's got good toys and stuff.

It's well worth going, but at the moment.

Yeah,

I'll see you when it's fancy.

Oh, you want to go like, yeah, brilliant, put it to bed, let's have a game of Scrabble.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah,

but yeah,

that's what we were talking about on our way to Hastings last week.

For me, you know, that's where I went to chill.

Do you have a bit now, or what?

What were you doing?

I wanted you to tell Steve about your holiday.

Because you told me,

go on.

Steve, I mean, bad idea.

I had a feeling anyway about going away with Suzanne's mum and dad.

Because I've never been into sort of family holidays anyway, right?

Even when you see it, whenever I've been on holiday and you see like families on planes and that, and they're all having a laugh and a joke, loving it, and then on the plane going back, you can see that they've gone off into groups and like you know, the dad isn't talking to the daughter and all that business.

So I thought, asking for trouble, but you know, I do everything once, do you know what I mean?

Boxing, dancing, going on holiday with parents and that.

Give it a go, see how it goes, right?

So, um, not your A-levels, but fairly.

It started off bad, didn't it?

Because last week I told you that

you know, our dad called us up and said, you know, I want to take some tea bags with us to Madeira.

Yeah, what's the best way of packing them?

Yeah, right, so I knew there was going to be problems like that,'cause the thing with um Suzanne's family, right, they like having a routine, they know what they're doing every day, they know what they're having for tea every day, it's the same thing every week and stuff like that.

So, I thought this is gonna be interesting, this'cause

they can't do what they normally do.

Sure, I love it.

I love you treating it like an experiment, just watching them all the time.

So,

the first problem was they'd never flown before, so I was winding them up a bit.

It's murder, it's really horrible.

You know,

plane goes all over the place.

And my mum had done some research saying, Well, I've been reading about it, and

more people,

more, there's more chance of me being killed on a donkey than there is on a plane.

So I upset her.

I said, when we get there, let's see if there's any donkeys on the beach.

Yeah, right.

And she didn't like that.

So.

Oh, what?

The joke about you hoping she died.

Yeah.

Oh, what's up with her?

Right, so we get there, and

you know,

they see the villa and that, they're quite happy with all that business, right?

All that stuff.

And then, as time went on, I was getting a bit sort of fed up with them being around us all the time.

Because

I think you should have your own time when you go on a holiday with the family.

You should say, right, you go off and do your thing.

We'll do our thing, and we'll meet up later and talk about what we've been doing and stuff.

Anyway, so it gets to like the Thursday.

We've been away since

Monday, right?

And I said, right, we're going out tonight.

So my mum says, yeah, we'll come with you.

I said, no, no, it's just us.

We're having a bit of time on our own, right?

Is it true you said to her, you told me this, you said to her, you started to annoy me, I want to drive my own own.

Well, I just said, well, I told her at the start, I said, It's going to be interesting, this because people annoy me when they're around me a lot.

Sure, so I wasn't nasty to her, I just was saying people, not her.

All right, do you know what I mean?

I'm just saying, you're gonna get on my nerves.

So, um, you hailed a donkey for her.

So, no, but seriously, right, with the fly-ins, you know, those stockings that you can get because of uh deep vein thrombosis, sure.

She had them on in the cab,

brilliant, and it's only a two-hour flight as well, so that was annoying me.

So, um, so anyway, it gets to this gets to this, um, you know, the the th the Thursday night when we when I'm going out with Suzanne,

and uh

a man's like sat sat on the on the sun lounger outside, so I'm so where are we going tonight?

I said, No, like I said, it's just it's just us, we're going out, having a bit of time to ourselves.

So, uh I could see as the day was getting on, she was realising that she's got a night in with like her husband, right?

Uh she started her face started to like look miserable.

Sure, I thought, I'm loving this.

So I said, right, I'm going in to go and have a shower, go and get ready for the tonight.

It's going to be great.

And winding them up.

Just wind them up because they can't come.

Because he said they can't.

Right, so I go upstairs,

have a shower on that.

I come down,

and my mum's smiling.

Oh, I'll.

So I'm thinking, hang on a minute, what's going on here?

So I went to Suzanne.

I said, why is your mum smiling?

She's not coming.

She said,

no, but my dad said he'll take her out now.

So, in a way, she was happy because she'd got her own way, which annoyed me.

That annoyed me, sure, because you wanted to be a little bit more.

Well, you don't even want her husband taking her out.

Well, it's just the fact she didn't want to go out.

She was happy to stay in and have sausage, egg, and chips that they'd found from some shop that sold English food.

So, that's almost like what they do if they're out there.

Sausage, egg, and chips.

So, she was happy with that if we were staying in and having that.

But because we were going out, she was fed up.

Right.

So, she's smiling.

So, she's going, Yeah, I'm going out now.

So, I said, Well, enjoy yourself.

She said, Where are you going?

I said, Well, it doesn't matter, does it?

You don't need to know.

Sure.

You're not going to where we're going.

Oh, you just don't want us to be in the same restaurant.

I said, Yeah, that's right.

I said, Well, what a night out of my home with Suzanne, it's our holiday as well.

I don't know, I can talk to a lady.

This is not even his own parents.

This is someone else's parents.

These are the parents of the womi of the woman he loves.

But but even Suzanne sort of agreed with me.

There's only so much time you can spend with your parents, that's why you leave.

That's why when you're ill, you don't go home to'em.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because the slight difference between y y me and you, Carl, is that not everyone in the world annoys me.

Well, look, n not everyone does.

Just I can see what I was I felt a bit guilty that week when he said I was annoying him, but I realise it's not my fault now.

No, everyone annoys him.

Yeah.

So, uh, yeah, it was it was an alright holiday.

It was good to get back.

Brilliant.

Uh, I won't be doing it again.

No.

And what now would you say is your relationship with Suzanne's parents?

Is it is it a frosty one?

Uh

no, I just think they know that

that I don't like brother for a long time.

Yeah.

I mean when when we were packing a man was upset because like she really liked the place where we were staying right'cause it was quite a big villa'cause there was a few of us there was a brother as well with us right.

So uh a man said oh I love it here.

She said uh I'm definitely going to book this place again.

I said it's a bit big you know a bit big for two of you in it just being sarky like we're definitely just

you know I won't be coming again.

You're like I don't know what you're like Carl you're just you're a monster.

You're an absolutely monster.

You want to do what the ghost is?

Speakers are fine.

I say as I gibbered wat the wibble.

Yeah.

And never the weir will sleep.

You're like a middle-aged man.

You're like an old man.

You're like an old man and you're what, 30?

And just imagine you scraping along in clogs and a flat cap, going, oh, that tree's got to come down.

Yeah.

Puncturing a kid's ball if he kicks it into your garden by mistake.

Yeah.

Refusing to give it back.

Yeah, gather round, round, gather round.

Yeah, there were once Chinese kid as hairy as that cow, which is weird because there's not many Chinese people that are hairy, but this one, I tell the it were back in 1990.

Granddad, are you eating a Twix?

But why do owls have to turn 180 degrees to look the other way?

'Cause they've got big eyes.

Yeah, and what's that mean?

What do you mean, what's it?

Can I can I just I don't think you should have children.

Suzanne's always saying, you know, let's you know, she'd she'd like to

hear tiny feet running around a flat and stuff.

I just said,

let's get a little midget cleaner.

Okay.

If you'd like to Carl to humiliate himself for money, email him.

Well, Suzanne was surprised that I was like, last night I told her about it.

Why did you do that?

I don't know what I feel now.

That's not good.

I don't know, that's not good, is it?

And she just said, well, you know,

you don't like chucking money away and that.

and it was funny because we got talking about uh when when we bought our first flat in Manchester, right,

uh I bought a I bought a bed right didn't have much money and uh

what annoyed me is I bought the bed and it turned up and I said where's the mattress

and they said well you don't get you don't get a mattress with the bed you've got to buy that separately and I was like well that's not a bed then right so I didn't have any more money

Suzanne's at work so I thought well I don't want to stress her out at work and that that, telling her we haven't got a mattress for the bed.

I had a word with my dad, right?

He knew a mate who had one in the back of a van, right?

He said, I'll have a word with him, he'll let you have it.

Got the van, brought it round, stunk of diesel and that, but I thought, but it's it's free, it'll do.

They brought it up, I stuck it in the spare room.

Suzanne got home, she looked at the bed, she said, That looks all right.

She wears the mattress, it's in the next next room, but I thought I won't tell her because she won't like the idea.

She went in, just the room stunk of like petrol fumes and that.

She said, What's going on?

I said, Well, it's a mattress didn't come with a bed.

So I've sorted you one out.

I've got this off my dad.

And

we didn't have one night on it.

She said, get rid of it.

Yeah.

I had to go and ditch it.

I don't know what she was thinking.

One of your father's friends is driving around in a van with a mattress in the back.

Yeah.

With his serial killer.

I mean...

And doesn't want to sleep on it?

Let's go and silence the lamb.

What kind of a cheap skate is she?

What kind of a woman is she?

That she won't sleep on a mattress that has been in the back of a transit van.

Yeah,

covering petrol, diesel, probably urine, and Christ knows what else.

Oh, so you know.

Can't have to leave early last week, but um, you can you stay to the end this week, mate.

Or yeah,

you don't need another holiday.

Oh, oh, he's started already.

I mean, you know, Steve's made you look like a bit of a twat already, and it's only five past one.

But the only reason you don't go on holiday is because you have to spend money.

Ormany's come straight back.

I can't come back to that.

Oh, it's just

dynamite.

It's just absolutely

last holiday, Steve had.

He sort of found a third world country so he could live like a king for a week.

It was Cuba, wasn't it?

Going to Cuba, amazing.

You can almost rule the place.

If it weren't for Castro, I'd have been in charge.

Kind of cash I was flashing around.

They'll do anything for a dollar over there.

It's extraordinary.

Literally.

I mean, it's amazing.

Yeah.

Oh, definitely.

And I went to Kenya before that.

So he thought to the prostitute.

You said no.

Kenya.

Yeah, well, it was $2.

I mean, I've not made a money.

Do you have a good holiday, Carl?

Yeah, it was alright.

It's alright.

Went down to Cornwall.

And you were going to some odd people down there, Steve.

Well, don't look at me.

I'm not from Cornwall.

Well, you're from that sort of area.

Well, not really, but they're weird.

Genetically means.

Right.

They're weird.

Well, you must have slid right in.

Why are they weird?

What do they look like?

It's all sort of odd people.

A lot of old people, but not just old, sort of messed up old.

What do you mean, messed up old?

You can't just say that.

There's a woman with a funny neck.

Okay, in what way was that funny neck?

Why did she have a funny neck?

If you were writing an essay, you wouldn't say there was this woman with a funny neck.

How would you describe it?

She

sort of had her head like pointed down all the time.

Don't do it, it's his radio.

No, but just for you, I'd do

my

okay, right.

So, brilliant.

I don't know.

I was saying to Suzanne, what happened, you know?

What do you think?

Because Suzanne knows everything.

That's the good thing about her being with you you just ask her what happened to her and Suzanne goes Carl I don't know I haven't been here before Suzanne your girlfriend or mummy as you call her

oh sparks are flying a little bit of chocolate can you just lick a tissue and wipe it off oh she said it might have been like because back in the olden days they carried stuff on the the olden days what do you mean the olden days this woman was probably what 50 uh no she looked about 70.

yeah but like i do on cheeky freak of the week right I always turn it round and we get like something good out of it.

Something positive, yeah.

I said to Suzanne, I bet she finds a lot of money.

Yeah!

Always staring at the ground, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

So maybe she just had new shoes and she was admiring them.

Yeah.

Do you think of that?

Before you point the finger and judge.

And Kyle Pilkington.

Kyle's all a little bit, I don't know, he's a bit frustrated.

He's sort of a bit sweaty and fed up.

Today, aren't you?

Because of the heat.

It's too much though, isn't it?

He was taking it out.

He wanted to fight.

You know, he doesn't use like a fight.

I sort of lean on him and try and rub his head.

Yeah.

But today he was sort of leading it.

He was sort of like getting a little bit.

If I didn't know better, I'd have said it was sexual frustration.

Well, I was watching, Rick.

If you don't want me saying, I was watching, not in that way, just watching the water.

I was going, oh, I want to hit you.

And I was thinking, does he want to hit me or does he want to do something else to me?

Exactly.

What were your thoughts, Carl?

Exactly.

I mean, I saw him sort of wrestling with you on the floor, and you clearly weren't enjoying it, but he was really.

Yeah, what was that going on?

What's the change?

Why are you suddenly sort of...

What are you trying to say?

No, I'm just saying it was weird that you suddenly

were, all

a bit sort of a bit gay?

No.

Is that what you're saying?

No, but what was...

Suzanne accused me of that in a week.

Why?

So being a bit gay.

She said, I'm sure you're gay.

Why?

Just because I was moaning about stuff.

She said, oh, you're a drama queen.

Right, well, that's...

What were you moaning about?

Not having enough gay sex.

No.

That she didn't have a knob.

It's going, oh, why don't you get yourself a nice little knob?

Yeah.

I mean, can I call you Frank?

Could you wear this false beard?

Yeah.

It's just.

Well, we'll talk about it later.

It was about the Seven Wonders.

I just wasn't that impressed.

He said, look,

we're saying that, yeah, well, we've got a top show coming.

But if you are a little bit, kind of, just a little bit sexually, you know, don't be afraid to let it out.

I mean, if you want us to relieve you of it.

I'll tell you what, let's have a little bit of Maggie Mae by Rod.

Georgie.

That's your favourite song, isn't it?

Oh.

That's weird, isn't it?

Strange, isn't it?

That's weird.

I'd like to hear Rod Stewart singing about a lovely lady, please, Carl.

As would I.

Listen.

Do you want to set up Songs of Phrase?

Oh, God.

If you've not heard the show before...

I thought we weren't doing this this week.

No, I thought we weren't.

No, we'll do it once, right?

And then next week's the last one, so we'll do Rockbusters, Leave and for leave.

That might be the last one ever, depending on whether Carl decides to come back in October or not.

I'm bored of it.

I told you I'm bored of it.

Why are you bored with it?

I get bored quick with stuff.

Yeah.

I told Suzanne the other night how lucky she was.

I haven't got rid of her yet.

She's...

Kelly.

Things.

Did you put on a soft music though first, did you?

You didn't just like start getting that around her.

Dude,

you know you're a very lucky girl.

Sorry?

Well, I used to get bored with you and that.

Yeah.

Oh, do you?

You're lucky you haven't pissed off.

Yeah.

Do you want a little champagne or what?

Well, she was annoyed the other day.

Oh, what's that on your ear?

Don't worry about it.

Pigeons, yeah, aren't they?

We're walking to the pictures, right, to go and see Bruce Almighty.

Sure.

Why?

And

just something to say, innit?

Yeah.

So you were trying to sneak in the back.

So on the way, cutting across Leicester Square.

And those fellas who sell roses, he comes over.

Do you want one?

Do you want one?

So don't do that.

She's allergic to them.

Right?

So we'd go away.

Yeah.

She got all annoyed about that.

Because she's not allergic to them.

Well, she's not allergic now, but they're about three quid each.

But the point of mankind, it's not that she really wants a rose, it's that you're willing to spend three pounds on it.

Taking us to the pictures.

How much was that?

That was eight quid each.

Did you pay for it though?

But didn't you ever...

If I know you, you had her dressed up as a small child.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me and my son, please.

Or you've made her sit on your shoulders and wear a long coat.

Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, listen, songs of phrase then.

What are we going to talk about now?

Sort of cut off.

Sort of heads gone now.

It's concrete news.

Yeah.

Why is your bread?

Why is it you feel?

It seems like since we've come back on air, you have become dimmer.

I mean, it is extraordinary.

It's like BSC has kicked in.

We just forget.

We just forgot.

Maybe it's been a long time we've forgot just how stupid he is.

Yeah, it's proper.

It's the silences.

You know, he forgets we're on the radio.

There's just a lot of people.

I know, it's unbelievable.

And it's our name on this.

They put a poem.

But as I said before, you know, he is.

That's no offence.

He's not a bright lad or educated or anything like that.

But some things he says does border on the retarded.

I've been trying to take in too much information, though.

That's the problem recently.

Well, I've said to you last week, I've been reading more books and what have you.

And trying to take in too much.

But the problem is,

even watching tele and that now, Suzanne said to me, you know, stop doing that.

Stop watching tele late at night and going to bed because

it's making your brain too active.

And I'm sort of

and I, you know, I'm trying to get to sleep and I can't.

And then when I wake up, I'm thinking, she had a go at me the other day, right?

Because it was a night after watching the fat baby, right?

Woke up in the morning, and she had a go at me because as soon as I woke up, I said,

something like, how can you freeze time?

She says, are you going to say good morning or whatever?

I'm going to do the best.

Just imagine it, right?

It's that the sun comes out through the window.

She's like, Carl's like this little head.

His eyes opened, he goes, one of those floppy night hats.

How can you freeze time?

Oh, God.

But it's because, like, whatever, the night before, I might have heard that on the news or whatever, and it's just been sort of whizzing around my head.

Sure.

And, you know, it was a big debate.

I thought,

have they found a way of doing it or something?

What are you talking talking about?

They've done something about freezing time and all that.

See, this isn't information.

This is nothing.

That is nothing, that they've done something about freezing time.

Imagine Jeremy Paxman coming on going, I had the issues tonight.

Said something about freezing time.

It's you.

Think before you talk.

No, but I don't worry about how to do it.

I just think about what effects I've had.

Oh, they haven't asked you to get involved.

This is what you.

No, you shouldn't explain it.

It's a tough thing, isn't it?

But what's the point of me worrying about it?

It's not a

Do you know what he said to me the other day?

This is unbelievable.

This is one of the most stupid, incredible things I've ever heard.

He was talking and he suddenly stopped and he was thinking about it and he went, oh, I don't know what he went, you'd never see a black ghost.

Extraordinary.

True, though, isn't it?

I've never seen any ghost, full stop.

There are no ghosts.

There aren't ghosts.

No, what I mean when you just see them in like magazines and that.

Play a record!

So, Kyle, you were going to a wedding last week.

Was it last week or the week before?

No, it was last Saturday night.

Yeah.

And he went, he said,

looking forward to it.

He went, no, it's going to be boring.

Suzanne was listening.

Knows that the couple were taping the show.

So she had to get in there before you, didn't she?

She went up to him and said, Look, when he, you risk match the show, and he says it's going to be boring.

He didn't mean you, he meant weddings in general.

I love the fact she has to run around and clean up after him.

It's great, isn't it?

How was it?

Do you like weddings?

You're not a fan of them.

They're only good for the people involved, aren't they?

What are you talking about?

You're getting free food, free booze, free music?

Yeah, but it's not, it's just all they're hanging about, and there's loads of people there you don't know.

Absolutely, I agree.

Do you know what I mean?

You've got to make an effort.

Yeah.

And

even the bit that was important, right, when they were getting married, right, there wasn't enough chairs because it was, you know, all the family gets the chairs, don't they?

So I was sort of stood out.

Stood out the back of that watching.

and

I couldn't hear what was going on because a woman was breastfeeding the baby.

Oh.

But what?

Well, how loud was this baby guessing away?

You couldn't hear what was going on.

It was slurping and that.

And she was like...

I just thought, how hungry

is it?

Could it not have waited?

Because you've all got away from the buffet or whatever and later.

I don't know.

But also just in the sky.

Well, there was two, wasn't there?

Why didn't you?

I didn't know I was

the only thing that annoys me with weddings is the gift.

It's the gift thing.

Because, like, you buy these gifts, right?

You spend a little bit of money, maybe.

You know, I like to be a little bit lavish if I go into a wedding.

Oh, well, no, come on, you get a gift, right?

You paid it.

And I don't know about you, Rick, but I like to see the response.

When I give a gift to someone, I want to see that the feedback from that.

This is very much.

I want to see what it is that's Jane Bought on

and put my name to it.

Yeah, yeah.

Because sometimes I have to think, oh, thanks for the.

I go, oh, no worries.

No worries.

No worries.

But, you know, certainly, we've talked about it before but certainly you know it's that the amount of the amount of money spent and the amount of time given to the gift should be correlated by the amount of the response you get absolutely if I give a book token a shrug is fine

but if I give you know sizable I want kind of I want them to be showing it to friends if it's a bar I want them to show it to Barman

look what Steve Merchant got me he's the greatest man in the world yeah exactly yeah you go to a wedding you turn up with a gift you could have spent you know upwards of fifteen pounds on it you turn up you walk in you say excuse me where's the bride and groom I want to give them this gift and some bloke normally the brother-in-law says oh no no, the brother-in-law's mate.

Yeah, sorry, they're too busy to see you right now.

Just stick the gift on this big table with all the other ones.

Yeah.

And they'll get back to you in a week.

It may be six to eight weeks after the honeymoon.

They may write you a note.

They won't thank you personally, they'll write you a note.

It'll be a general thank you.

And

your name in different types.

Yeah, but it might have some vague reference to, you know, to what you did, but it won't really be personalised.

Yeah.

The set of mugs, again, will be in different types.

Thank you, Steve Merchant, for your wonderful gift.

We love mugs.

Yours.

And a photocopied signature.

Exactly, yeah.

Yeah, it's not right, is it?

Oh, damn.

And also, of course, as well, and if there's a baby involved, you know, perhaps they had a kid out of wedlock and that's why they're getting married.

There's normally the little baby signature as well.

Like, oh, like the baby signed it.

From Paul and Sharon.

And little Binny.

Be Ben.

Be Ben these days.

I reckon.

What do you think, Carl?

How was the wedding, by the way?

Um Suzanne sorted something out.

What?

I don't know.

Oh, actually, no, we we're going away, having a week away with them.

That's that's that's your gift?

Yeah.

No, we're going away to Cornwall this night, and uh

uh yeah, that's it.

We've we've sort of paid for the for a place to stay and they're coming along and that.

And their gift is to spend a week with you in a s confined space.

They'll have a great time in that.

Will they?

Yeah, it's fine.

Sorry, can I get a pen?

I'm making a note of how many times you say and that during today's show.

And so far, there's three.

I've noticed three.

I'm just going to

note it because I think we can have a competition here.

And if you can predict how many times he's going to say and that, the closest one wins some of the crap DVDs that we've got on offer.

Hold on, tell them we've got a lad of 49.

Definitely.

Is this the book that you nearly finished reading but you realised all the pages are in the wrong order?

He bought a cheap book,

a second shop, started reading it loving it, then he started reading about this bloke, and he went from jail to school, and then he looked at the page numbers, and they were all out of order.

How annoying is that?

You never read books, do you?

I never read one, right?

And Suzanne, it was a week and we were going to Astings because you two were dummy adding, right?

She said, I'm going to take you away so you relax and what have you.

So, ended up not relaxing because it was like putting a jukesaw together.

I'd started reading it on the train thinking, loving this.

It's a really interesting story about this fella who, you know, didn't have a great life as a kid, starts getting into a bit of crime, what have you, turns out to be the governor.

But it wasn't as easy as that, because like you say, it was started off at school.

Then he was in prison.

And he's like, oh God, he started young.

And then next thing, he's like, married.

And he's like, hang on.

He's like 12.

And then

he's had a heart attack.

And then, like, but I just thought it was part of the thing because I read chapter one and then it did say chapter 12.

But I thought, right, it's like that sort of done in that stylish way that everyone's dead.

What kind of a biography?

I was born in the East End.

Take one onion.

Add some this is the idea that an East End villain's gonna write his autobiography but think I'm just gonna play with the form a bit.

I mean they're quite post-modern with this.

No, but

barely able to write probably yeah.

Well you wouldn't say that about him Steve I wouldn't I think he's an educated man.

Go on next Carl

Yeah just because it was like two for a tenner that shouldn't be like oh well you you know you got a you got a good good offer.

No, that's rare.

I'm sure the bloke selling it did not know that the page was out of order.

Let's face it, Carl, you read it and didn't realise.

Yeah.

So you play Lady Blank.

You've got almost half the way through before you realised.

Oh no, no.

Yeah.

But anyway, you know.

Still, that teacher, and that's put you off books for life, hasn't it?

Well, I don't like getting into books now.

I just read snippets of information.

Play record.

Play record.

No, I was just going to tell you about a bit of information that I was reading.

I can't.

Well, we play recording.

No, no, no, we've got time for a bit of bit drivel before we finish why I'd rather appear a tune and come back for drivel because I think people are tuning for drivel so let's tease them let's have a record then some absolute shite from Carl Pilkington excellent all right Carl what did you learn right uh like I say I don't like reading books there's too much

time busy and that yeah

I don't like reading books actually but go on so I have done so go on right so

I was looking in this magazine right and it was more about do you know I'm I'm not that impressed with Einstein and Newton and that lot.

No, why should you be?

What have I ever done?

Go on.

No, but you know you know the fact you see the the Columbus thing, he's another one, isn't he, who got a bit of praise for finding America.

Yeah.

And it's like

it would have someone else would have come across that at some point.

Yeah.

Right?

And yet news this week, they've found two new types of frog.

Right?

No one's making a fuss.

And look how small they are compared to what he bumps bumps into.

And that's what I'm saying.

People make a big deal out of all these people who are finding stuff, right?

So the next fella.

I mean,

my head's buzzing, but I can't be bothered.

I actually can't be bothered.

Don't think this reaction's a good reaction.

I don't know where to start with this drivel, but carry on.

Right.

So anyway, the next fella who...

The next fella?

See, I don't know.

You're talking riddles.

The next fella I'm going to talk about, Einstein.

Everyone raves about him all the time.

So I'm trying to get into my head

why he's amazing and that.

So I did a bit of reading up on him in this science magazine.

Now, I read it.

It's only, you know, I don't know, 200 words, whatever, trying to get across what he worked out.

But I read it last night.

Is it relativity you're talking about?

Yeah.

Well, to say, yeah, like I just made that word up.

Yeah.

You heard that's yeah, yeah, that was.

Okay, so the 200 words, as far as you recall.

So anyway, so I read it and I was was like,

I don't know

what is going on about here, right?

So Suzanne was with me.

I said, can you read this?

She said, I'm watching Sex in the City.

I said, right, but can you read it and explain to me what I don't understand here?

She says, well, I'm, I don't understand it.

It's great.

It's like, she's thinking,

I haven't got kids.

And yet he still wants me to help with his homework and I'm watching telly.

I've been at work all the time.

So she said, look, go in the bedroom, read it out loud to yourself.

Maybe it'll make more sense if you read it out loud.

So I said, right, I'll go and do that.

Then it was good because it was cool in there anyway, right?

So I went in there,

so reading it out

twice.

Went back and I said, I don't get it still.

So she said, right, wait ten minutes, and I'll sort it out.

So I was sat there looking at it, trying to work it out before she had to look at it.

I was like, no, I forget this.

Now, what he was saying is,

if

you send the man to the moon,

right?

Yeah, he was saying

to the fella fella

in in the rocket,

it would seem like 20 years to him.

Yeah, not the moon, but yeah.

No, it was, that's what it said.

It said the moon.

Well, it wouldn't, because it's only about

no, but listen, listen.

So it took twenty years to the fella, yet people who are on the earth, it would seem like 2,000.

Yeah, because

time is relative, not not

I don't what what do you mean?

Right.

Well Well, listen, the fact is that it's tending towards the speed of light where it really makes a difference.

They've even done it with atomic clocks where they've

sent one up even in Concorde and it's like 0.01 of a second difference.

What is the watch?

Yes.

Yeah, because

greater speeds.

But why does speed affect how a watch works?

Right, I don't think.

Speed is a conversation.

Sorry,

Steve.

See what I've done.

I don't think this is a conversation to be had on a Saturday afternoon on a radio show.

But I'm just saying, though.

It's not me, is it?

It's speedy.

You went quiet, Steve.

No, because

I'm not going to explain it to you.

I would explain.

It's speed equals.

Basically, velocity equals distance over time.

When velocity doesn't change, and nor does distance, time has to.

That's his theory.

Yeah?

What's your point, Mr.

Gunn?

What's your point?

I'm just saying

because you don't understand.

I was trying to explain to Newton that basically formulated the laws of the universe, the three laws of the universe.

Even playing snooker, I'm trying to drop something.

I was going, well, equal opposite reaction and all these sort of stuff.

And he was going, what did he do apart from the apple on his head with the gravity?

And I went, well, what do you mean?

And he went, well, why was it a problem?

If we would have been floating round, I'd have called him in.

But since we're not, we don't need him.

That's what he said.

Play a record.

You're a buffoon.

A transsexual, it's not a transvestite.

This isn't just a builder in a dress.

They have hormone replacement as well, so they get Eastrian

and electrolysis.

So they have, you know, their face looks different.

They don't go bald.

They're slight.

You know what I mean?

They're the real thing.

A transsexual is now the real thing.

Biologically and politically.

But they'll still be a man, won't they?

Well, it'd be embarrassing if they don't tell their new partner and there's pictures of them, you know, down the plub when they were 24.

But you probably sort of get over that, don't you?

They go, did the fellow with the beard

drink in the yard of ale?

That was me.

Well, interesting story.

Probably should have told you this before the honeymoon.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like you can have all that done, right?

This stuff, you know, you could have your bits done, right?

You can have like

false teeth, but you know that when you see an old person with a good set of teeth, it's like, well, they're false.

There's no way you've got good teeth like that if you were brought up in like the 30s.

But what would you do if Suzanne said, Look, I've got a terrible secret, and she shows a picture of this kid, this little boy, growing up, you know, playing football, and then the pictures stop at 20, before just before you met her, and she goes, and she shows you a nice pair of bollocks in a jar.

She goes, They were mine.

Well, first thing is, he'd take back the gloves you bought her last week.

Would you go, oh,

I can't go out with you now?

Or would you say, Well, you're the same person?

I've blown his mind.

I've really ruffled him.

I've really freaked him out there.

She is into sport.

Should we play a record while you give her a call?

No.

But look, what I'm saying is,

it doesn't matter what you have done.

We can wrap this up here because I've got it sorted, right?

It doesn't matter what you have done.

At the end of the day,

it's obvious that you've had it done.

If you're a fella and you've been changed to a woman, I could spot you, right?

If...

You can't, though.

I tell you what, I was at Suzanne's mum and dad's right up north last week, and I went to the off-licence, right?

And I went in there, never seen this fella before, right?

Soon as I walk in, I eye him up behind the counter, go, all right, mate.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hello.

I noticed he's got a wig on, right?

Yeah.

Now,

it was, I kind of looked and I thought, yeah, it's a wig, whatever.

And then I thought, I wonder if it is.

And as I got to the till, I said, how much is that?

He said, you know, 50 pence.

So great.

And as he turned to the till.

till, will you buy Susanna gift?

As he turned to the till and he did that sort of angle, you got the profile, you see the bit sticking out of the back, you go, that's a wig.

I know what you mean, I know what you mean.

It's like a little, it just, it just, the last inch just lifts away from the neck.

Yeah, yeah.

Everybody who goes in that shop will probably know him as having a wig and that.

He keeps him happy, but everybody knows.

So what I'm saying is, it's like.

But could I just say transsexuals put in a little bit more effort than a fella who's plonked a rug on top and held it down with some duct tape?

Do you know what I mean?

You know, the only giveaway often with a transsexual is the big hands.

They can't do anything about that.

That's the only thing, you know.

But, I mean,

transvestites are different, you know,

they are builds in the direction.

You go in a supermarket, you turn around, you see a six-foot woman, huge head, you go, all right, love.

Do you know what I mean?

You know, you don't, you know, down below,

she's packing more than us three put together.

That's what I'm saying.

But, you know what I mean?

If Eddie Izzard, right, you're meeting Eddie Izzard, right?

Who likes to pop on a dress now and again, right?

If what's the politics with that?

Do you go, because he walks in, he's all in evening gown, and he goes, all right, Carl.

And you go, all right, Eddie.

And it's in a busy pub, and you go, oh, why is he?

And you go, do you say, do you want a pint of bitter?

And slap him on the back, like what am I?

Or do you go, that's lovely.

That's a lovely dress.

Do you know what I mean?

What do you you do?

What do you do with a transvestite?

Would you compliment a transvestite?

On their lovely dress.

If he was wearing a nice dress.

In the same way that you would if Suzanne was wearing a nice dress.

In a different way, I'd probably say, that dress, you know, looks nice.

Be even nicer on a woman.

Right.

Do you know what I mean?

So you try and change the way they think.

Yeah.

Yeah, you'd want to teach them a lesson.

Yeah, sure.

In a way.

It's one of them things I can't get my head around, to be honest, right?

I can handle airy Chinese kids.

Is it true to say that you've never been able to handle a trans vest date?

Listen, Carl, you're going on holiday.

You need a little rest, don't you?

Yeah.

What's the vibe?

What's the vibe of the day?

What's the

crack on holiday?

Come on.

Where are you going?

Madeira.

Right.

Good.

It's for Suzanne's dad, right?

My girlfriend's dad.

He's 60, so.

Yeah, that's the average age in Mid in Madeira.

Checking in.

My mate Damo went to Madeira

and he was worried about sort of terrorism on the plane and he looked round and he thought well if someone gets up someone will wrestle him to the floor and he looked round and uh he was the only one he realised could have got out of his seat quickly enough.

So he'll enjoy it, it's quite quiet, it's nice.

He'll be alright.

I mean it's the first time a a mum and dad have been away so whatever?

Abroad, yeah.

So they're worrying about.

They just don't understand the rules and stuff, so they're panicking a bit.

And then in the week, he comes up.

They're going to take livestock.

Yeah.

Well, it's getting like that.

He was like.

Are they filling loads of durags with heroin as we speak?

No, but do they know about passports expiring, don't they?

I mean, they're not completely stupid.

They know about all that, right?

Yeah.

And he called up in the week.

One of the questions said,

What's the best thing when you're going abroad?

It's the best thing to use to carry tea bags.

So it was like, what are you worrying about that for?

They'll sell tea bags out there.

And he's like, well, we want to take our own.

It's like, they'll sell tea bags.

And he's worrying about that.

He's saying, can I put it in a glass jar?

I said, put it in a glass jar.

He said, I'll bubble wrap it.

So he's bubble wrapping a tea thing.

It's just, I mean, it is annoying me a bit because it's meant to be a week off from you annoying me, and already he's niggling me.

But you are easily wound up.

You are a very finickety little fussy person.

You don't like any the slightest bit of pressure.

See, I thrive on pressure on you.

Working here, working there.

I was always doing stuff, monkey news.

Oh, yeah, Monday news.

Um, it's my birthday, mm-hmm.

Right.

Um, went home after doing working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Right.

Uh, girlfriend was like, Open your card, open your card.

And I said, No, it's my birthday on on Monday, I'll open it.

You obey by the rules, don't you?

On birthdays, birthday rules.

Well, there's no point.

Well, exactly, chaos leads that way.

Yeah, right.

So, uh.

Not an anarchist, never has been.

So anyway, sh she was kept going on and I it was doing heading so I said all right I'll open it.

So I opened it, ticket fell out.

Surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands.

So and what was your reaction?

I mean first one was we haven't got enough money for this but I didn't want to ruin it so

so I didn't I didn't go on about that and I said oh it'd be great.

So I can't wait.

How did you say in that tone of voice?

Well it was good timing because I was tired and everything and I'm not a big holiday fan but the timing was right.

Do you know what I mean?

It's the same as last night.

I don't always like a curry, but last night

you get that sort of, oh, yeah.

Curry feeling.

You had a gold feeling.

You thought, and and then lo and behold, like you were eating the curry.

It's weird, isn't it?

Isn't it weird, the paranormal?

Isn't it weird?

Isn't it weird?

They work in mysterious ways.

So, anyway, right.

The island,

if I was on Washuria, I'd probably say it's a bit barren.

Okay.

Not much there.

But if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather.

Are you?

No, what I mean is it'll be a good holiday.

If you get a hotel, right, the weather's always good, so you're so you'll have a nice time.

That was a common, yeah, yeah, gorgeous.

And all that, and the food was all right, and everything was going all right.

I was just having a nice, relaxing time.

And how do you sort of spend your time on a holiday?

You just lie around?

Is that a holiday?

That sort of holiday, just lying around.

I bought a book.

You bought a book?

Yeah.

Okay, Ghosts?

No, it was short stories, right?

No, it was about like

special days in our time and time before me and stuff.

And it was like it was telling you about how in, I think it was 1814, the Thames frozen up.

And all these stories are told by eye eyewitnesses.

Right?

So there's some fellow who was around in 1814

and the Thames was frozen and people used to put market stalls on there and they'd do the shopping.

It was like a sh it was like an Oxford Street.

Was that Mad Liar Charlie?

No, because he's famous for that.

Yeah, I'm sure, you know.

I think that was Mad Liar Charlie.

Yeah.

So I was reading that, and then after a couple of days was a bit like, oh.

Boring.

Yeah, you can do you can only do sort of so much lying around and so much reading.

So Suzanne said, no, let's go on the beach.

Have a walk.

You ain't gone on the beach.

Where have you been up to this point then?

In your room?

No, just like around the pool, just relaxing and having a swim and that.

So she said, let's go on the beach.

So I said, alright then, yeah.

So

wandered down to the beach and

first impressions are yeah, it's alright, it's clean.

Hotel, yes.

Roof, good.

Food adequate, beach clean.

Next.

So I'm walking along and everything's good and, you know, there's a woman feeding fish bread, which I thought that's different.

And look that.

He likes originality.

He loves a bit of originality.

He was feeding fish bread.

This woman was there, like up to her knees in water.

Yeah.

And she was stood there.

Was that a sea?

Chucking, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Chucking this bread.

And I thought, what's she doing?

And I stood there and watched for a minute.

And there was little fish coming up, having the bread.

I thought, oh.

So I

carried on walking, and

everything's going well.

And then this fella comes towards me.

Everything's going well.

Yeah, that's a little bit falling over.

Clean, clean feeding bread.

Two points of originality.

Fella comes walking towards me.

Oily.

He's only got no pants on.

So I said, Suzanne, what's going on?

Why isn't he gentle?

Like, she knows more than it is.

So she said, oh, yeah, yeah, it's she said, yeah, it's a nudie speech.

It's just going to be a long story.

Could you pour that coffee?

Can you give me the coffee over?

Sorry.

Sorry, this is really bad.

Yeah, because he's pouring.

Thank you.

Just amuse yourselves while we talk the coffee.

Thank you very much.

I have a cup of coffee, Carl.

Thanks, yeah.

Cheers.

Cold.

Right, good.

Okay.

So great.

Thank you.

So she said, yeah, it's a uh it's an oodie speech.

So I said, Well, why what

I said we're all mixed mi it's all mixed up.

Normally on a nudie speech, it's an oodie speech and you don't go wandering on there when you get your clothes on and that.

So it annoyed me a bit'cause there wasn't any signs.

So this fella's getting closer.

Well the knob out was a sign.

Yeah.

Right, so he's getting closer and he walked past me, it was an old fella uh, and he walked past me, had a hat on and a little pipe, and a big rucksack on his back,

right?

So, he got me thinking, strictly naked.

I'm walking along, and I'm thinking,

right, why do people want to do this?

So, straight away, it was, I wasn't on holiday anymore because most of the time when I'm on holiday, I don't think about anything, right?

Your mind's a blow.

I just switched off

all of a sudden, this has got in my head now, and I turn around to look at him and check out his eyes

and the bag, and this bag, right?

I swear

it was massive, right?

What?

You know,

the bag, the bag.

It's ruckside.

It's ruckside.

All right, okay.

When I said, he said there's an old couple coming towards me, I said, what was lower?

The voice bollocks or the woman's ticks?

And he said, well, that was another point.

She might as well have wore knickers.

That's what he said to me.

So you saw the bag.

So it annoyed me, yeah, because the whole idea and it, this is what I think.

I mean, I might be wrong, right?

Might be wrong.

Chances are.

you never have been you never have been before being nudist right

what's it all about

when I went to the bastards with you and I wasn't really enjoying it you can't he said what you can't tell us this grateful you're so many you're like a little charity case you're like oh I had chicks queuing up around the block you'd usually have to you someone like you would have to write to Jim or fix it or Esther ransom to get to meet us sort of people and now it's on your doorstep amazed that you didn't didn't enjoy it.

Why didn't you enjoy it?

You got to walk down the red carpet.

You went in.

There was George Best, one of your footballing heroes, was there, a load of other big names.

You sat there in a prime position.

You came backstage with a load of other big names.

You had a lovely bit of grump.

You were filming this thing for the DVD we're making.

That's you.

That's you, a cameraman, on our DVD.

And yet you think, oh, and now you look grumpy because you had a couple of pints and you've...

Oh, I can't believe it.

So tell us why you didn't enjoy it, because the ceremony, what didn't you enjoy about that?

It was interminable, wasn't it?

Far too long.

Wasn't it awful?

Three hours.

Sorry.

I thought you were going to say something.

Really?

Sorry.

Three hours.

Yeah.

I mean, I suppose for you two, at least, you know, you were going to get something.

Sure.

Yeah.

But

with me, it's like...

I mean, I've never graduated or anything, so.

Have you not?

I'm trying to think of a situation.

Basically, I sat there three hours knowing that I'm not going to get anything out of the night.

Yeah.

Right?

Now,

did you?

Sorry, when we invited you and you said yes, did you think you were up for an award?

No.

I thought we were going to be sat round tables having a nice bit of food whilst people are going up there winning awards.

But three hours of the same thing over and over again.

I mean, if a film's three hours in the cinema, you go, well, it's long, but you know, I wonder how it's going to end.

But this was just like the same thing over and over again.

Some guy going up, thanks a lot, cheers for the bit of brass.

And then going down, sitting down the same thing over and over again.

I wouldn't, honestly, right,

I'd say it was one of the worst things I've ever had to do.

I enjoyed the night afterwards when we did have a bit of lamb and a nice bit of veg and that.

That was alright, and I went home and I was happy, and I got the little freebie bag that you're talking about that we gave away,

which wasn't much good stuff in it.

Oh, right!

What would you have done on that Saturday night?

Suzanne Suzuki.

What would you have done if, or the Sunday night, rather, what would you have done had you been at home?

I would have stayed in with Suzanne, right?

Watching Telly, having a nice bit of pate on toast or something, cup of tea, watching 24.

But instead, I had to buy an expensive suit so I didn't show you up, right?

How much did you spend on your suit?

Well, in total, right, because you know, the shoes and the suit and the shirt and the tie, it was about 600 quid.

That's the most expensive evening ever.

That's what I'm saying to you.

And the daft thing is, it's dark in there.

I don't know why you've got to wear a nice suit.

You can't wear a track suit, for goodness sake.

It's dark in there.

Just a shirt and that.

It doesn't mean you're a better person wearing a suit.

No, it doesn't mean you're a better person.

No.

We're not claiming it made you a better person.

No, but that annoyed me.

Yeah.

I mean, it was an experience, isn't it?

That's why I went, because you think, if I didn't go, if I would have said to you when you invited me, no, Steve, I don't want to go, then I would have never known, right?

And I've

that's my sort of thing in life, right?

If something comes up, you should take it, even if you're not going to like it, it's a bit of an experience.

Right.

You know what he said to me?

I phoned him up because we had to meet up, and obviously he had to pose as my gay lover.

Yeah.

You said something to me like, I've bought a suit, I'm looking good.

He said, I'm looking good.

People will think, How on earth did he end up with that good looking guy?

So he got into the help.

That was bad.

He got into it.

Such an insight.

Fair record.

I just must say that we've had an email from Darry Foss.

Lots of people who have emailed in and say, well done on the BAFTAs and well done on your room 101.

They really liked her.

Thank you.

There's one guy, Darrell says, Ricky, has your dad only got one D-Mob suit?

Because I know you notice, but Ricky wears the same suit every single time he appears on TV.

Because he spent a fortune on it, gave it Taylor and only got one.

It was a good suit and he suit it all the time.

And it's winter as well.

It's like a pure wall, so I'm sweating everywhere I go.

Anyway, usually it's too much cheese.

I won't be buying another.

I won't be buying another one.

Ever.

That's it.

Suzanne told me today, right, because

I've handed it in today to have the trousers turned up a bit.

Why?

Because it was a bit of a bodge job for the night.

Yeah.

Right.

It was just some pins sort of holding it up the other night, but you didn't notice, and I didn't tell you, because I thought you'd be getting on the stage and saying, look at that freak over there

with his pants hemmed up.

But

I took it to the place to get it done.

Suzanne tells me that I'm going to start shrinking now.

I'm getting to that age where you start going small.

If I just go back to insults briefly, go on, nobody's saying.

Oh, no, no, I see that.

Goofy, that's it.

No, no, no, no, because that's what he said.

It's in the head.

What do you mean he said that?

No, did he say that?

No, I mean...

When did you call me Goofy?

No, he didn't.

He said I'm in the head.

Come on.

Come off it.

Why?

Who's calling me goofy?

I'm not even goofy.

Goggle eyes, fair enough.

You can sort your look out.

I can't.

What do you mean I can sort out?

How can I sort my lookout?

I'm not even goofy.

That's not fair.

He's got the proper features.

What?

Just needs sorting out a bit.

I can't help it if my hair's not good.

I noticed the other day when Carl was sitting on your knee having his picture taken.

It's a long story.

He's got a completely spherical head.

It's slightly too small.

I'm not being funny because I mean, you know, I'm not perfect.

But he's got a completely spherical little head.

He looks a little bit like a baby hamburger.

You know, hamburger off McDonald's.

He looks like a little baby hamburgler.

And it's sort of quite put upon.

Suzanne thinks I look like that thing in that Julex advert.

Do you know when the woman pulls the head off that?

That little plasticine.

And then they make a new head for it.

And it's like a little head.

Really?

That's your girlfriend saying it.

I know.

Anyway, listen, let's get back to business here.

He went to see that musical.

Really?

Yeah, on New Year's.

you know what it's like, on New Year's Day, there's nothing to do.

Sure.

So you go and see some people doing Madness songs?

No, I took Suzanne out for a walk, right?

Yeah.

Went round Covent Garden.

Right.

Passed the place where it was on.

The stage door was open, you snuggle in.

Well, I said Madness are alright.

Because when you think about it, Madness songs are quite sort of musical anyway, aren't they?

So you can't be.

They're quite musical.

Do you know what I mean?

He needs that by the Browns.

I thought it was alright.

I enjoyed it.

Blur the musical would be good, wouldn't it?

Blur the musical would be excellent.

Yeah,

so you bought tickets there and then and just went in.

They're not selling, are they?

It's fairly quiet because we only paid the lower price and we got upgraded for free.

Nice.

So you enjoyed it, did you?

I'd loved it.

And would anyone like to come on stage with us?

The little bald fella.

Yeah, I've got an ugly girl.

And what home are you from?

What are you doing tomorrow?

Well, I'm going by.

No, you're coming here tomorrow.

Come here tomorrow.

We've got.

How do you get so many breaks and holidays?

Because

you went away with Suzanne's parents you've just been away with your parents that's a couple of weeks ten days so that's probably about three weeks in all you had that you went to Manchester you were you had that day off because your trousers were wet I mean and you've you know I mean I suppose because you've you've only got one job and you know I've got a lot more this is just one of my jobs but I mean d don't you ever count your blessings go God thank God I just I can have time off I d I don't work too hard you know I'm not stressed too much

it's just all to do with when you do work do a lot so I've I get a lot done.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

I'm always doing stuff.

I mean even though when I was in Cornwall, right?

I'm sat there on the grass.

Oh, I'd love to just sit on the grass.

Tripping shit out.

I know, yeah, well you know.

Me dad and Suzanne are playing crib, right?

I'd sort of fallen out with them.

Your dad and Suzanne are playing crib.

You live in the 1940s.

Yeah, why'd you fallen out?

Because with crib, have you ever played crib?

Yeah.

Right, you've got to be pretty good at maths.

Sure.

You've got to make your cards add up up to 15 or whatever.

Well, yeah,

I was just going to correct you on.

You've got to be good at maths.

Yeah.

What?

Algebra, quantum physics?

What?

No, just just adding up.

Adding up to 15.

Brilliant.

You almost do it on your fingers.

The guy's.

You could in Cornwall.

But my dad's really good at maths.

And he said, how many have you got?

And he always counts, isn't it?

15, 2, 15, 4, 15, 6, 3, 3 for your and all that.

Do you know what I mean?

And he adds it up really well.

Right, so I was like, right, hang on a minute.

And he goes, no, what do you mean, hang on?

What have you got?

He goes, oh, forget it.

I said, this isn't fun.

If you're going to start getting all to with me.

Sure.

Forget it.

I love it.

But he's only, I'm sure he's, I don't know him, but I'm sure he's just winding you up.

His victory is you going, ah, forget it.

I'm not playing.

Well, anyway, right, so it doesn't matter.

I think I'll go off and do some prep, right?

Do some research for Saturday.

Found one of Suzanne's magazines, right?

Flicking through, because there's always interesting stuff in there.

There was something about um

about swingers.

Right.

And I was like, What's all that about?

Yeah.

And it had an interview with some people talking about, you know, how the uh

sleep about a bit.

Yeah.

And I thought

if my wife looked like that, I probably would.

'Cause there was a few pictures of them and they were all pretty ugly.

Yes.

I thought.

Right.

So I took that in, soaked that up, thought, there you go.

Uh, carried on reading.

There was a bit in there about how women still have crushes, right?

Yes.

And the woman was going on about

how she's 38, right?

But she still fancies Chris Martin from Cold Play.

And, you know, even though it'll never happen, she's still got that little bit in her head that thinks one day she'll leave Gwyneth, right?

And

end up with

her, right?

Anyway, so I'm flicking.

I'm thinking this is a bit boring, but I'm flicking through it all.

And

is this a rock boss?

It's Clue.

No, no.

Right?

And I read I read further on, read thur further on, right?

And uh she said, you know, w we I like to go out with my mates and we come up with lists in pubs of people who like, oh, you know, they they'd be nice to go out with.

She also came up with a a list of unlikely lust objects, I think she called them.

Yeah.

Guess who was in that list?

Ricky Germain.

Think again.

Carl Pilkinson.

Right, next one.

Johnny Vegas.

said,

lanky co-writer.

Rubbish.

Lanky co-writer.

What do you mean, lanky co-writer?

Well, don't need to say anymore.

He said,

hang on, wait a minute.

Let's not talk about...

I don't know what you're laughing at my expense.

I'm an unlikely lust object.

Yeah.

But you,

yeah, what was it called?

The list?

The

unlikely lust object.

Yes.

You were in there, right?

Who else was?

But you weren't in there.

Richard Madeley.

Fine.

Yeah.

It's a good looking guy.

Alistair Campbell.

Brilliant.

Another handsome dude.

What are you talking about?

How can you, how are you?

What you think I'm ashamed or embarrassed about that?

I'm proud of it.

What magazine was it?

I need to buy a couple of them.

Yeah, it wasn't.

You need to get a t-shirt made.

Yeah, and did she leave her number?

Yeah.

But it's that, I mean, it is boring in hotel rooms, because I told you before about when I was in Edinburgh and had nothing to do, there was nothing on the telly.

And you sort of you've eaten the short red biscuits and that

and

so that's when I read the the phone book to see how many that's when you read the phone book well to see how many Macs were in Scotland Macat Macintosh yeah and it was like you know 42 pages yeah yeah Jonathan I don't know if he'd already done that

and yeah he said he uh

he he shaved his arse now when we say shaved his arse

cheeks is

all of it yeah all of it I think you say that I think But other than the cheap...

But then we got to the fact that me and Jonathan, if we pulled our wealth, we could have shaved Carl's ass for £1,000.

Right.

And he said, yeah, for £1,000, you could shave my ass.

Suzanne said, can I say this, Mitt?

Your girlfriend said what, Carl?

She was annoyed.

She says, well, I'm not allowed to go there.

Why is anyone else?

And, of course, the whole table stopped and leant in and said, what?

It doesn't like me touching him there.

I went, what do you mean?

This is too much information.

It was too much information.

I like the fact that you've had this conversation with her.

I like the idea that she touched your ass once and you went, Woo, hands off.

Yeah, I love you, but keep your hands away from the arse.

Do you know why he said he's talking about the most intimate part of the ass, the middle arse he's talking about?

And he said, I said, why?

He went, it's a bit gay, in it.

I said, how can a girl touching it be a bit gay?

If you stop behind it, it could be anyone.

Oh, God.

And it seemed, I mean, you can imagine the conversations we were having, right?

And it just, it's that thing that the waitress heard something every time she came over.

She heard the words, like,

car gone.

Jonathan Ross saying I shaved my arse.

Yeah, yeah.

And, oh, dear.

But it was, uh, yeah, it was a good night, wasn't it?

So, it's the thousand pounds now, innit?

Um but presumably you'd give Suzanne half anyway, so everyone would be happy.

You've used the arse to best effect.

She's got she's got half out of it, so she's she's made as much out of your arse as you have, in a sense.

Me and Jonathan are happy.

Yeah, but to be fair, it's his arse on the line.

I know, but I mean, you know, this is not like she's getting a bum deal.

Well, she's getting five hundred, you know,

quid.

No, I've never done that.

But um

do you reckon?

Just thinking some more.

Can I just ask, before you play a record, um

if we were to shave your arse, let's say we did it for charity or something, got sponsorship,

how would we do it?

Would we use one of those big kind of old-fashioned razors?

No, no, I'd use a big safety.

I'd just straight up.

And would you use a gel or a phone?

No, no, I just, first of all, yeah, I think I just

lather it up.

So you lather up his ass first.

I do the outside bits, just go,

straight down, big broad strokes, clean, right?

Then I'd have to go in the crevices and

I'd need an assistant.

I'd pop it apart and just very gently go in there.

I might even use electronic equipment just so there was no sort of like nicks.

Okay.

So how did

or I might wax the internal middle ass.

How did Jonathan do it?

Because he did it on his own, didn't he?

I just use mirrors.

Why don't we I'll ask him.

We'll call him later.

But

I don't know.

Well,

perhaps you listening have once shaved your ass maybe during an exam or something.

What I think, and this is conjecture, but I think he was probably there.

He'd had a shower.

He's shaved his face.

I thought, well, he's naked.

He looks down and goes, oh, what a hairy ass.

Well, I've got the razor in this hand.

I've got the mirror there.

You know, I'm not on stage for a good ten minutes.

Yeah.

There's one thing I don't like going on stage with is a hairy ass.

Bang, dwind, wallop.

Done.

On stage.

Thanks.

See you later.

See you next week.

Yeah?

What are you thinking, Carl?

It's just if that.

How hairy was it?

Do you know what I mean?

How airy was it?

Because I imagine, I mean, you're saying mirrors and stuff.

But is it?

I mean, how how old is he now?

He's 40.

And they say your your

testicles drop quite a bit once you start getting old, don't you?

Yeah.

So that he's got to make sure they're out of the way.

Yeah, but I don't think I mean I can speak for myself

as a similar message, Jonathan, that, I mean, you know, there's millimetres in it.

It's not like we tuck him in our socks in the morning.

They're still in the same place.

You really wouldn't know the difference.

It wouldn't if we filmed it in you know time-lapse camera, they wouldn't it it wouldn't be like a bungee jump do you know what i mean they wouldn't be moving a lot

yeah all right do you think he's a i told him he's a good-looking fella steve would you would you agree with that i told jonathan that he said that he and he he just went for it as well yeah so you you've you you've spent a lot of time picturing jonathan's arse naked arse

you'd let him give you money for for arse touchery yeah where's your girlfriend's got

and you're saying he's a good-looking man do you want to play a record and think about what you've done interesting

You were...

You played Bruce Springsteen last week.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

And you said he had got a load of trouble on his hands when he had

a hanky in his back pocket.

Did I say that on air or on the back?

Well, we were just saying that famously on the cover of the Born to Run, Born in the USA album, it's just him, isn't it, with just his backside, basically, with a red hanky.

Wasn't he looking?

Well, I just.

did it for research purposes for this amazing link.

And

yeah, he had a red handkerchief, I think, in his right-hand pocket.

And apparently, that signifies homosexuality.

Apparently, I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, I thought it was which way you'd take it.

I don't know.

Those are myths, aren't they?

Right, yeah, exactly.

I don't even know if this is.

No, well, I read up about it.

Okay.

Right.

Just for research.

And it's all sort of, you know, they've got all different coloured ankies.

Are they?

Yeah.

Right?

And it depends what pocket you put it in as well.

So you've got like the different colours, different pockets.

Yeah.

Sorry, how many variations are there?

Different pockets is what?

Well, you say your back pocket, your right back pocket.

But what do they mean?

What do you mean?

Well, what do they signify?

You can't just tell us they signify so much.

What do they signify?

Well, some stuff that we don't really want to talk about, to be honest.

What?

Sort of stuff that gays are into.

Wait.

So what do you mean?

We're Arbor Stroyson records.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Eurovision.

No, like a couple of things that were there that I know we can mention.

He said something about.

I love what he thinks he can't mention.

I love it.

Decency.

What is this?

1956?

No, no, no, but I mean it isn't just, you know, having it away.

Give it away!

I love it!

Having it away!

You get up to some weird stuff.

I love about it.

He didn't want to offend, but he's offended a lot more people by saying they get up to some weird stuff.

Right.

In your opinion.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

No, but don't.

If there is something that I don't know about that it's like you can't say on the radio.

Yeah, I'd rather not.

But what do you mean, weird stuff?

Well, one of them, right?

If you've got a red anky, right?

Yeah.

In your right pocket.

Like Bruce?

Yeah.

That's exactly what Bruce had, yeah.

Right.

Well, apparently, then, Bruce is an armpit freak.

An armpit freak?

Yeah.

No, really?

No.

No.

That's very specific.

Girl.

Seriously.

Well, what right?

Okay, right, okay.

What else is there then?

Sorry, is there some kind of homosexual body that sat down and came up with this at some point?

When you say, we've got, well, this is getting crazy.

You've got, like, a blue handkerchief in your top breast pocket.

I don't know what that means.

You need to sit down.

There's some kind of summit, figure out what it means.

Yeah, it's just that

you're not free from it either.

So if you were to go in in like a gay bar, which you know, you might do if you straight anyway, because there are, you know, good places, I think.

Right?

You can't actually go in there if you've got a cold because every coloured hanky represents something.

Right.

So if I was to go in and had a bit of a sniffle,

I could get into all sorts of trouble.

Well, pull out a Marks and Spencer's white linen hanky.

That means you like to be tied up and whipped.

Yeah.

There was another one,

armpit freak we've covered.

Armpit freak is done.

We've covered armpit freak.

I don't really know what that means.

Right, okay.

Yeah.

But there was just one other thing, like a blue and white one, is if you're into sailors

to sailors yeah if you have a little blue and white anky that's in your left pocket right um blue and white equals sailor so I wanted to ask you something you know but again we've got to be careful here you know when um uh you wouldn't leave the the building that was on fire because um

uh you were

you were standing proud hang on we need this there's some people now who don't know what you're talking about you Carl you're on holiday yeah on holiday in Tenerife right Yeah.

You'd had a moment of intimacy with your girlfriend.

Yeah.

A knock on the door.

You had to stop and get up.

You peeked around the door.

It was a fireman saying, get out, but you didn't want to leave because you had a.

Yeah.

It was a little, yeah.

But

what I don't understand is you maintained that while looking at a Spanish man dressed as a fireman.

Is that true?

Is that the fact?

You maintained, I'm sorry, I'd say, you maintained a

rousal whilst looking at a gentleman dressed as a fireman.

No, no, no,

these are the facts, and they are undisputed.

Did you maintain I'm not a machine though?

Do you know what I mean?

I can't turn it on, turn it off.

I just thought talking to a fireman, you'd have probably lost it.

I don't know, but you didn't.

No, but the other thing was, I mean, I was talking to Suzanne about it again, right?

She said, What are you talking about that for?

I said, oh, it just cropped up, right?

Yeah.

And the dilemma was, you see, I wanted to try try and make sure that it was a proper fire because that was the last condom we had, right?

So it would have ruined the night.

So I didn't want to like, it was like, you know, well, what's going on?

Do we need to get out?

Yeah.

Is it a proper fire?

Yeah.

And you're talking to this man in uniform, what did he look like?

Was he quite...

Was he good looking?

Did he look like Ricky Martin?

Was he good looking?

Was he good looking in his uniform?

I can't remember.

Can't remember.

Did he have a moustache?

Better play record, wouldn't we?

Is this bringing it back?

What?

You look uncomfortable.

Did you just switch this on with your hands?

I'd want to go.

I don't want to know about it.

That's why I don't go to the doctors or anything.

That's like a brilliant approach.

And

remember him saying

he's going to die of cancer because he doesn't check his balls.

He doesn't like the feel.

Of course, of course.

What do they feel like, your balls?

Like a wet chamois leather leather

with two marbles, two cum quats in a wet chamois leather.

No, but I just say.

Why are they wet?

Sweaty.

No, they're not.

I'm just saying smooth.

Are they smooth?

Yeah, because a chamois leather's smoother when it's smooth.

Do you shave them?

No, I don't.

In case a fireman pops around, you want to look your best.

It looks like your head.

You know, a fireman pops around, there you are, and he goes, oh, nice, smooth.

So you never go to the doctor's?

I don't like it.

But if you found some bubos under your arm or something, you.

I'd wait for a bit and I'd say to Suzanne, what do you think of that?

Just see if it develops into plate.

Well, yeah, because you know, don't you?

And old bandages around your head and a bell.

Suzanne, what are you out?

Can you get me a bell?

Exactly.

Brilliant.

There was this kid at our school we took the piss out of for basically the rest of his time there.

Because when he was about 11, someone said, Hell, would you want to die?

Right?

We're doing drowning fire or that.

He said, I want to die of old age in my mother's

Now, are you familiar with

this thing that they can do if you're dead?

Right?

No, no, not if you're dead.

It's like if you're ill and you know you're gonna die, right?

I don't know what this is anymore.

Extraordinary.

Have a rest.

Imaliers.

Im a liar.

What what what

listen this is an interesting fact.

Come on.

So if you're ill but you know you're gonna die.

Yeah, you can have this thing done in Detroit where you get put in a fridge.

Right.

And if they work out, you know, what's wrong with you in 20 years' time, you go, right, that fella is in the fridge.

He had that.

We can sort it.

Let's get him out.

And

you sort you out.

Yeah.

Is this the first time you've come across this idea?

Yeah, I read it the other day.

I didn't know.

I've never heard of this before.

So it's quite easy.

It's actually preserved.

It's good, innit?

They put you at sort of like sub-zero temperatures so stop all cellular activity.

So does

do you do you stop aging at that point?

Yeah.

You're it's suspended animation.

So

well what's the what's the law on it, right?

'Cause say if I say if I f add something, right?

Yeah.

And uh I said, oh,

put me in a fridge and and when when you've got the cure and that, wheel me out and sort me out.

Say if they did that

and it was like 40 years

and

in 40 years time they get a cure for me.

Would I have to stay with Suzanne?

Because she'd be 70.

Do you mean what are the rules?

Should you be allowed to date a younger woman?

Well it's not fair is it?

Or maybe it's like good news.

Good news sort of you out, but is she a bad person?

I don't think she'd mind bad news.

She'd have the best 40 years of her life.

Yeah.

And plus they're never going going to find a cure for what ails you.

That is genius.

That is brilliant.

You come out, you're cured, and you go, oh, no.

I love the fact that's what Evie lines though.

If you could think while he was in that state, you'd be thinking, oh, God.

She's losing her looks.

Oh, dear.

But everything else as well, like, my job wouldn't be here.

No.

No.

Although the figures would have gone up a little bit.

Flats probably gone or knocked down or whatever.

Sure.

Mostly families would be dead.

Yep.

So what's the point?

What what what how do you know about it?

Who's done it?

Well famously Walt Disney apparently.

I mean Walt Disney actually did die but had his body preserved so that should they one day be able to bring back people from the dead they'd need they'd need words

but with him nothing is going to change because when he comes out Mickey Mouse will still look the same.

Sure.

I'm plugging all that.

Play a record.

I don't know where your mind is.

Play a record.

It's It's brilliant!

You just say words!

Ab a rest!

Now, when we were talking to Carl in the week, the things we were talking to Carl is that you come up with something that's sort of like quite innocent, and he goes, ah, well, that once, right?

And you realise that it's comedy dynamite.

He doesn't know it, but we want to go save it.

And he let out,

you were filling in a form, weren't you?

It's sort of all like your girlfriend thinking you're a div.

And it's happened before, isn't it?

Because she came home and you'd filled out a form to get a job once, hadn't you?

Yeah.

What was that for?

Girlfriend of Tally.

And on it.

Well, look, Carl, explain.

Yeah.

Um

you

you see this is what annoys me with job applications because rather than just saying do you want the job and what can you bring to this business yeah do you want the job is a good one because the thing is

that sort of influencer boys, right?

Because if they say no, I don't think they want the job.

Yeah, but listen,

I mean, I presume with what you do, you have to take people on and stuff.

What a fight, you mean?

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I think it's more important that you're willing to graft and put the hours in

than say that, you know,

you did well at school.

Yes, sure.

Because if I wanted to, I could have done well at school.

Of course.

I just didn't want to.

So where's this going?

So you had the application form?

So when it came to the qualifications bit and that, I couldn't fill them in because I didn't have any qualifications.

And it was also asking about your languages.

And I put down English quite good.

English quite good.

And this girlfriend came and seen the form that he'd sent off, and this was a copy of it.

And so she went, oh, you know what I mean?

So that's what started, you know, the disappointment.

So they're going to get that and think that you're not English?

I don't think I've got it, it was ages ago.

Right.

How long ago was it?

Oh, well, it was when I was still in Manchester, so

five years ago.

I don't think you've got to know.

No,

no, I think you'd.

There could be a long list.

I mean, there's probably a lot of admin problems in that organisation, but they've probably.

But what I meant by it is that me English, you know, I can speak English, but I don't know all these long words that people use all the time yeah oh

god oh can I just tell this quickly

in the week

I'm talking to you now the listener

usually I don't yeah Carl said oh

about embarrassing him on air and that and he's worried about his education and he was worried about not knowing long words like we come up with any long words and he said no I was I was scared you were gonna ask me some about someone and he's a Eastern European leader his surname is Milosevic and Carl said so I learnt it this week and learnt it so you can't catch me out in case you said.

I said, what?

And he said,

he thought about it and he went, Flobodan Milosevic.

It's got a surname right though, doesn't it?

So what's his name, right?

That's how Bill and Ben would address this leader.

How would they have said it?

Flobodan Milosevlovs.

What's his name?

Slobodan Milosevic.

Yeah.

Well done.

Anyway, Carl, look, you almost let it slip then as you were talking about your filling out that application form.

There's some big news that everyone needs to know, which we were stunned by in the week.

Although, the more we sort of talk to you, the more more it starts to fall into place.

Yeah.

But, Carl, what's the story?

That I haven't got

my exam results from the GCSEs.

He never turned up to get his exam results.

He was working.

And so, how many did you take in the end?

Because you weren't even sure about that worry.

You think you took maths and English, don't you?

Yeah.

And you think you've handed in the artwork for art, don't you?

No, art was continual assessment, wasn't it?

Coursework.

And what was it that you made?

I made a man sort of putting his arms into a car.

You've made a model of a man putting his arms into a car.

What was this?

So that one's passed.

Is that a homage to Break-Ins in Manchester?

Was this?

Oh, look, he does what he sees.

You've got that.

That's safe.

You definitely got that one.

So you've taken art.

You've taken English and maths, you think.

So this is what we're going to do, listeners.

We're going to try and find out his exam results for him and tell him next week.

Like

we're going to call his score, we're going to try and track him down and we are going to have a a little envelope, and we are going to give Carl at the age of 29 his O-level results.

GCC's, yeah.

Now, Carl, so you took maths, you think, you took English, you took, do you remember turning up to do this?

Do you remember sitting in the room filling in the forms?

Yeah.

Okay, and how did you feel you did?

I didn't, I don't think I did well.

You don't think you did well?

Did you revise?

No.

Why didn't you revise?

Because I don't really believe in it.

Okay.

Well, it's just that if you don't know it, then you don't know it.

You shouldn't have to start looking at a a book.

If I went to the doc if I went to like the hospital

and the doctor said, oh, you need your appendix out, but hang on a minute, I've just got to read up on it.

Yeah.

That isn't good enough.

Okay.

He should know.

And that's the way I feel about it.

To be bare, though, he did do the revision beforehand.

Yeah.

They don't usually pass on like maybe like when they're in practice.

Yeah, information they took in by osmosis.

Yeah, yeah.

And they Bloke comes in and goes, Can I just see what you did with that?

And I goes, You've passed.

Yeah.

Phew.

That's a good one.

Good job I watched Casualty.

I just like the way, you know, the things that interest me, I remember.

Things like snakes not having ears and stuff.

I didn't have to read about that.

No, you just learned that.

You saw it on that Ian Wright programme.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And this is what Carl said to me.

He said,

only, no, it's actually, I called Carl up the week, and Rhys was with him.

You know, Reese used to be an exoplanet, and he took the phone and he went, Carl's worried.

I've seen that programme.

He said, snakes don't have ears, right?

He said, so you can creep up on them and pick them up.

And he said, Carl's worried.

He said, how would you ever put them down again?

Because then they they know that you're there.

I woke up the other night, quite late.

Worried about that.

And I said to my girlfriend, I said, How do you put a snake down?

She said, What are you talking about?

I said, That Ian Wright thing, this guy managed to pick up a snake.

And do you know that thing where they clamp its head on a jar to get the poison out?

I do know.

Right?

They did that, but they didn't show you how they got rid of it.

And I thought, it could really get nasty because it's obviously annoyed that you've had its head pressed in the jar.

Yeah.

Right?

They hate that.

Now,

especially as it's fair to their mates.

When you lift it off,

you've got hold of it.

Yeah.

If you go to chuck it down, it's going to turn on you.

It's going to go wild, isn't it?

So, I just wondered.

Well, what you do is you never put it down, Carl.

Yeah,

that's why that bloke has got about

11 or 12 just carrying him.

Exactly.

Yeah, you never put it down.

You sling it.

Who cares?

You just throw it, don't you, really far?

I don't think you should throw.

So, Carl, listen, don't worry.

We're not asking you to get involved with snakes.

We're just asking you that.

You did.

We've got a song with a story.

Yeah.

Yeah, doing that.

What is it?

I don't want to sort of tell you what it is yet.

Because the song isn't that great.

Do you know what I mean?

It's not a song that's like an XFM song, but every time I hear it on, say, like, magic or whatever,

I have an argument.

105.4.

Yeah, I have an argument with Suzanne that, you know, what I think it's about.

And she says, don't be stupid, it's not about that.

And I say, no, it is.

And so we're going to decide who's right.

Well, I don't know what song you're talking about, and I don't know what the argument is, but Suzanne's right.

Definitely.

No doubt about it.

Well, I'll listen, but I'm hoping that once people sort of listen to it again with my thoughts, every time I'm talking about it, well, this song sums up what people should think of you.

It's don't believe a word.

Alright?

That's the sort of links I'm capable of.

If that was in the bag, I suppose so leave it.

Carl, are we doing your uh story with the song?

Is that what you want to do?

Yeah.

Well, excited about it.

Right, last what was it the other week?

We did uh

pinball wizard.

You said if he's deaf, don't be blind, he doesn't even know he's playing pinball, which is

don't go to putting money in it.

That's all I'm saying.

Let him play pinball, but don't waste 20p or whatever.

Good point.

This week, right?

Do you know I was saying...

It is a good point, actually.

It is a good point.

Again, though, it wasn't a documentary.

It was just...

It's not...

Didn't really happen.

Yeah, well,

do you know I was saying sometimes I listen to a song?

I like a song to be obvious, what it's saying.

Pinball Wizard was a good song.

You need a song to be obvious.

In the ghetto, ghetto, you know, it's a kid growing up, and they get rough area, gets killed for nicking cars and messing with guns and that.

Uh living in the city, growing up in New York, rough area, how you cope with it and that, right?

But they've got to be as simple as that.

Otherwise I'm not that big.

I've got a brand new combine harvester on the machine who's brand new.

It's brand new.

Even though it's new, he's willing to lend it out to other people.

No, but what I mean is, if you start trying to be clever,

the the story's lost on you, innit?

Yeah.

Not necessarily me or Rick, but yeah, sure.

Go on.

We know what you mean.

Go on.

I'm Primates.

Yeah.

Well, this song here, right?

It's not an X-M song, and you'll probably hate the song, to be honest.

Go on, what is it?

What's the song?

Yeah.

It's Wonderful Tonight.

Right?

Eric Clapton.

Okay, it's alright.

It's a sort of bluesy sort of ballad from the late 70s.

Yeah, it's alright.

But I'm always arguing with Suzanne, because every time I hear it, I'm getting different pictures in my head of what's going on.

and I'm convinced it's about like this little cripple fella in a wheelchair, right?

And he's knocking about with his wife.

We don't say cripple anymore, do we, Steve?

Do we say cripple?

I don't think we've said that since

seven years?

I think it's the seven years when we stopped.

Alright, little, just a little fella in a wheelchair, then.

Okay.

And the story, it's all sort of

how he's being pushed about by his.

Again, that's not literally.

By his wife.

She's wheeling him about.

She's wheeling him about.

They go to a party.

Everyone sort of looks round and looks at him.

What makes you think?

What makes you think that he's in a wheelchair?

What's the clues?

What's the worst?

There's loads of little things.

It's like

I say,

something about his wife walking around with me and all that.

Well, because she is, she's pushing him about.

But were they all walking around?

If someone said, oh, she was walking around with me, I'd think they were both walking around.

There's a few people who are not.

But that's not a good question.

There must be a reason why you suddenly thought that fella's in a wheelchair.

My wife's walking around with me.

And I feel alright.

And she's always saying, Do you feel alright?

And she's always asking him how he is.

Just listen, let me play, right?

And try and picture the scene.

But now I'm only thinking of a little fella in a wheelchair.

When I listen to it, and you know, just everything that's been said,

understand why I'm thinking what I'm thinking.

No, never.

Yeah, there's no clue.

But the thing is, that's what I'm picturing.

But that doesn't mean it happened.

You picture people that are half-manned, half-moth.

It doesn't mean it's possible.

Do you know what I mean, Carl?

What you think is usually not true.

Suzanne is totally right.

There is no reason I have never, ever thought that Eric Clapton was singing about a little fellow in a wheelchair.

And the one clue in that, there's two, isn't it?

Are you alright?

Well, let me say that, a little cripple.

And

I'll give you the car keys.

Oh, why is she driving?

He's got his legs.

Pushing him around and that.

Pushing him out.

So you'll do one more next week then.

Okay.

I'm just finding more and more things are annoying me.

Really?

Like, even.

Like, how about Sony's night, right?

You've got a lot of

respectable people going to that thing, you know, people who are high up at the BBC and that.

Yeah.

And

just the way, you know, it's a posh night, there's people there with dinner jackets on and stuff.

And then I went to the toilet for a wee.

Old fella in there.

I thought he looks like he's been in the radio game for years, probably done loads of award-winning Sony stuff.

You know,

all the BBC documentaries to do in-depth stuff.

And I thought, you know, I wonder if I'll be like him when I'm older.

I wonder if I'm as good as him.

Thinking all that, he's having a wee in the next year, I know.

Farts.

I know.

Yeah.

He just farts.

Old fella in in a dinner jacket, probably hired.

And I thought it was a good idea.

They try to, they think, well, I better do it in here.

And it's sort of like a trumpet.

And

everyone just goes, yeah, that's fine.

What's up with that?

You know, yeah, I know what you mean.

Is it just the arrogance of doing it?

He just did it.

It sounded like a lost whale.

And he didn't sort of go and try and clinch it.

It went, it carried on.

And then he went, oh, that was a good one.

Really?

Old fella, must have been about 70.

Oh, dear.

Well, better out than in.

Yeah.

But it's not that

I wasn't brought up like that, you see.

Right.

Because I did it, I mean, I never really did it that much as a kid.

Sure.

And then I was at my mum and dad's.

Sorry, you never did it that much as a kid.

What, for artists?

Yeah.

Okay.

Not just like, you know, as a joke and stuff.

We are taping this for next year's Sony Award, aren't we?

We're taping this, what we're talking about now, aren't we?

Danding.

Because this is, go on.

But I was at my mum and dad's, right?

And Suzanne was sat on the floor in front of me, and she was like, oh, rub my neck, it's hurting.

So I thought, oh, and I hate doing that, it really bores me.

She's your girlfriend for goodness.

I know.

Dale Winton's different.

You're getting paid for that.

Go on.

So I thought, the only way to shift her is I'll let one go, right?

So I did that.

I love that.

Such a loving relationship.

I love that.

That's great.

She's doing the washing up badly.

She won't ask me again.

What have you done?

I've smashed the cups up and I've written in excrement across the wall.

Well, that's no good, isn't it?

Well, I won't do do it again then.

Maybe the marigolds all do it.

I've nailed the cat to the fridge.

What's up with that?

Go on.

Yeah, so I did that and it worked.

She sort of got up and said, Oh.

And my dad said, What do you do that for?

What was he thinking?

So I said, Oh, I hate rubbing a neck.

Does any adding?

So he says, You know, I've never trumped in front of your mother

for 40 years.

Sorry, where was this?

Chiggly, why is this family talking like this?

Young Carl, I've never trumped in front of your mother in the 35 years

why you what what i don't know what

no it's just it's just that he said you know we we've done a lot of things in the family

what did he say that for what he's never he's never

trumped in front of your mother he just offered that information up well he just was surprised that i did it he said where have you got that from yeah well the

lower intestines i thought what's he you have to imagine imagine there's a class of farting oh we haven't we haven't told our kids about farting.

He doesn't do it.

We haven't told him about it.

We haven't.

No, we don't do it in front of them.

You have to learn it, do you?

No, I know, but there's a there's a place.

That's what I was always told.

Go on.

There's a place for that.

Cornwall.

So, um and and my mum, that you know, it's the same.

She she doesn't do it.

Right.

If she if she goes to the toilet to, you know, do do what you gotta do.

She uh

she makes sure like she she'll sort of say things like, Are you going out for a walk?

Are you going out for a walk?

Does she think that does she know that you're broadcasting this?

Well, yeah.

You're probably around at the neighbours now listening.

Yeah.

Any of you gone out for a walk?

Yeah,

so she, what, she kind of she waits until everyone's left or?

She she doesn't like the thought that everyone do you know like cats don't like you staring at them when they're doing it.

I've never stared at a cat while it was doing anything.

Have you ever had a pet cat?

What do you mean?

Yeah, go on, go on.

No, it's just that cats,

you know, if you get on a little litter tray.

Yeah.

I remember being told, like, no, when it does use, it don't sort of go and look at it.

It puts it off.

I was the same as a kid.

Who comes and looks at you when you're on the barn?

No, no, when I was a kid and I was in a nappy, right?

I used to always

like

there was a corner in the kitchen that I'd always go to.

And everyone would be.

Why did you go to the toilet?

Because they had a nappy on.

Oh, yeah.

Right, how old were you?

Fourteen or fifteen?

About three or something.

And I used to always go to this corner and everyone said, Right, he's going to the corner.

Don't watch it, don't start it.

The thing is, I can so imagine you, because you've got the same head.

Yeah, it looks like a baby.

It's just the baby's head.

But with that, would you, okay, would you put a nappy on for fifty quid?

No.

Yeah.

Just and just be just sitting, just do your work, right?

Well, anyway, just sit in the corner.

So I'm not getting it, I'm not doing that, right?

So yeah, your mum's like that.

And something else, she's good.

I mean,

people might at dinner party, oh no, Mrs.

Pilkerton, just in the corner, just don't look at her.

Don't look at Mrs.

Pete.

She's just in the corner of our kitchen.

Don't just look at her.

What's she doing?

She's just doing her business.

There she is.

There she is, squatting.

Are you going for a walk?

Sorry, you were saying, Carl.

Another trick I've learnt from her, right?

If you're using, say, a friend's toilet or something

and

you don't want to leave your mark,

just use go down the toilet and flush it.

Use a

take a box of matches with you.

Yes.

Send fights and curse.

Send fights and curse calls and dislike.

Burn the place down and have a wonderful crap and just leave when the fire brigade get there.

I don't want to lose complete sight of those.

I'll maybe ask you a couple of those in the week just to see you keep your mind on it.

But Hitler,

tell us a story.

What have you learned?

Do you want to ask some questions?

No, not really.

Just sum it up in a minute.

We can't do it in a minute.

Well, can I ask some questions then?

Where was he born?

Austria.

Tell us about his early life.

Right, he was a young lad.

Brilliant in his early life.

Okay, yeah.

What's the name?

His ma'am was his dad's second cousin, which is a bit weird.

Yeah, that is weird.

They had five kids.

Yeah, it's usually first cousin where I come from.

Oh, that's unfair, isn't it?

There's no need for that.

There was five kids but only two of them including hitler um

including uh him and his sister survived the others died at an early age okay right

um anyway so they grew up and um the mum died and the dad died and that and he thought oh what am i going to do because he didn't do well at school didn't have many qualifications no liked art did you have a gcsc in history liked art right and then um so he said right i'm going to go out to munich

I missed a bit out, actually.

Jewish people were in Austria, he didn't really like them.

Okay,

he thought they got, you know,

special treatments and stuff, and just didn't like them.

So, he went to Munich and

he joined the army, right?

Yeah, yeah,

and um,

he was in the army and he got injured, right?

So, he went to hospital, and whilst he was in hospital, uh, the World War I ended, and he was like, oh, God, I want to go.

I was joined that,

So,

don't, because you're breaking the concentration.

I'm not even sure I want to join in on this one, just in case.

Okay, right, go on.

Right, so

he's in the hospital.

He gets a bit better.

He's never that fit, though.

He's one of these blokes who was always ill.

That was on something like 30 tablets a day or something.

Comes out of there,

joins some other army.

God, you know, I knew it all this morning.

I could see it running to ground.

I just see his face going,

I'm not knowing the fact, am I?

I joined another army, and he was

trying to help each other.

Here's a good bit.

I remember this bit.

He thought that war to men, right, was like childbirth is to women.

That's how important he thought he was.

Oh, right.

Right?

So it's like,

you know, you fight for nine months, and and at the end of it you own something, right?

So um

he goes on and all that.

He's in Berlin.

Yep.

And uh he's he's you know he's he's uh he's fighting his way through like, you know, trying to take all the countries and that.

And he does uh

does he do Berlin?

Does he?

Is is he is he uh is he Chancellor yet?

Uh what year is it?

Th thirty five.

He's now he's now he's now the dictator of Germany.

Right, he's in charge, yeah.

And this is when, you know, he he gets his own back on the Jewish people and that, and he's he's uh he's got his own little armies uh

and he's setting fire to Jewish businesses and and all this.

And uh

anyway, cut a long story short, he uh please do

he uh when he came to like f fighting Britain, yeah, came a bit sort of unsh unstuck.

Yeah, right, satisfying

is it, this world domination at all Britain was there, France was helping out.

Yeah.

Americans were helping out.

So he thought, oh god, so

he goes into a bunker in Berlin.

Yeah.

And it's all kicking off.

And apparently, like, Germany sort of surrenders.

Yeah.

Says it's all over, forget it, we can't beat you.

He was really annoyed with this, and he thought, oh, I can't show my face around here.

So he uh

'cause he would be embarrassing.

He's he's with his missus, who nobody knew was his wife, Eva, in this bunker.

Yeah.

And um

so he said, I've had enough of this.

He shoots himself.

She poisons herself.

And the chauffeur buries him or something, or burns them.

And in all the time he was in charge, 50 million people died.

So that's 1918 to 1945.

Yeah.

It's not like that.

Between Travis and the red-hot chili peppers.

Next week.

That's fantastic.

That's remarkable.

I have to say that you sort of lost your grass somewhere along the line because you started off confidently.

But

I've had a really busy week, and last night I was like whizzing through it.

And then this morning I woke up, and you know, Suzanne had been away for about three days, right?

I hardly spoke to her.

She's been busy, I've been busy.

First thing to say when I wake up, oh, just ask me some stuff on Hitler.

You are romantic.

That's great.

That's how stressful it's getting.

But I knew it all this morning.

No, but that's fine.

I think you've summed up that, you know, you've done that.

Right.

It's time for the the newest quiz in town

this is where Carl

inserts himself into a seminal film.

Last week um he was the little kid in Sixth Sense

you remember to uh great acclaim the critics loved it they said a triumph uh this week he's fiddled with the graduate um this is the scene where of course uh

uh he goes upstairs to the hotel room and

he's

on the cards.

She's a dead set, Mrs.

Robinson.

Here we go then.

So are you ready for it?

And I've

brought some condoms from home that Suzanne got for Christmas.

A hanger.

Tell you what, I've uh

I've got wood.

What?

Just saying I've uh I've got wood, I've got metal ones as well.

What sort do you want?

Either one would be fine.

Alright,

there you go.

Are you afraid of me?

Uh

no.

No, I've I've seen weirder things than you.

Uh

have I ever told you about the the two lads I went to school with who had big heads

web fingers as well, but not related and uh weren't mates, but both had the same thing, which

is a bit bit weird.

Uh yeah, I've never found out what was wrong with them.

Can I ask you a personal question?

As long as it's not about my head being round, because Ricky's always going on about that.

He's saying I've got a round head.

Well, you can admit that, can't you?

No,

I'd say it's a normal sort of shape.

It's just round.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah, but what do you mean?

So is yours.

Ed should be round.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Not ashamed, it's just a normal shape.

And you can talk.

Look at your saggy arse.

Anyway, get your knickers off.

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

I've come back.

Oh, that was a joy.

Oh, dear.

And why didn't you sleep last night?

I'm just...

I haven't slept well for

since I was about 12.

Do you sleep well, Steve?

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

You can't lick that go.

I haven't slept well since I was 12.

Do you know, like, a proper...

I used to love going out of bed as, like, a kid.

Yeah.

Whereas now it's like, oh, am I going to sleep tonight?

And I sort of wake up about four times.

Whereas when you're a kid, I remember really loving, like, going out of bed.

There was one time where

I actually laughed myself to sleep because I couldn't believe my luck.

He's so wrong with him.

What do you mean you laugh?

I've never had it when you're really tired and you get in bed and the pillars feel

so cold.

And it's like, I can't believe this.

And

it happened twice.

Once when I just went to bed and I was really looking forward to to it.

And also when I I helped my dad out once, like through the night, he worked at like at this paper company, right?

And uh I helped him out and I got in at about four in the morning with him, got in bed and I just was like I had oh I was laughing my head off.

I had to put the pillow over my head'cause I I couldn't believe my luck.

Like I I was like oh this is greatness and going to sleep.

I I just have to say life up north is so extraordinary.

And there but you must be the easiest kid in the world to please.

No wonder she knew she was just go get a cake.

It's sort of like what what was he expecting we were saying?

You were expecting an extra hour in bed, but we got in cake as well.

Got in bed without any supper.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Yeah.

Your own bed.

How long was it before you got your what did you used to do before?

Just some straw in the corner?

No, just that that thing of when you're really tired and do you ever do this with Suzanne now?

Do you ever laugh yourself to sleep with her?

No, that's what I'm saying.

She can't sleep'cause you're chuckling away.

I'm just I don't know what's up with me.

I've got a lot going on.

What what what do you mean you've got a lot going on?

I don't know.

I was talking to the security bloke before saying, do you sleep?

Have you got much going on in your head and stuff?

And I don't know.

He wasn't insulted by that, I'm sure.

Going up to someone and going, have you got a lot going on in your head?

That is brilliant.

It worries me.

It's interesting that your lack of sleep coincides with the diaries and the writing of the bread and potato story every day.

I don't know if...

Once you had that responsibility.

Why don't you

every night go to Hu Fay's, get some bread and potatoes, you don't have to eat them, then go to bed, and I think you'll be chuckling yourself to sleep in no time.

The reason I did this was to get that kitchen, right?

Now,

as we speak now, right?

Builders in the flat.

He's been annoying me.

Of course he has.

Of course he has.

What's he been doing?

Well, when he turned up on

Monday, right?

Wanders in.

And the first thing he says to me is,

he said, the pub across the road, is it any good?

I said, well, it doesn't matter, does it?

You're working on the kitchen.

Think of saying that to a builder.

Probably making conversation.

Probably meant, do they do a a toasted sandwich?

Because I've got a half-hour lunch break, not an hour, like Carl Pilkington.

So I'll probably go and get a nice, you know, cheese and tomato sandwich.

That's genuinely what you said to me.

Yeah, because he said that.

So Suzanne had a go at me saying, why have you said that?

He hasn't even started on it yet.

I cannot believe that.

You're unbelievable, Carl.

And you say it's us that are rude, Chris.

I was rude.

I just was letting him know.

Do you know what I mean?

I know what he said.

He knows what he was there for.

He had it down on his little docket.

Do the kitchen this week.

He didn't come there and go, what the f- Why did I come out for?

Was it to go to the pub for a week?

Why am I wearing these overalls?

Yeah, who's the little bald main twat insulting me?

Let me just check.

Let me call the head office.

I wasn't having a go, though.

I mean, they should have finished it yesterday, and they're there now.

On their own.

And what annoyed me is they turned up late today.

Oh, look, Carl, I've just realised something.

They're probably listening to the radio that's I assume tuned to XFM, isn't it, in your kitchen?

Yeah, but they don't know it's me, do they?

Do you know what I mean?

No.

They'd go, he's got a whiny mount voice as well.

So's the bloke who owns this place.

And the bloke who owns this place, when I said, what's that pub like across the road, said, well, you won't be bothering that, he's working on this.

No, he won't be able to put tune together, will he?

You've suddenly, the pen has dropped, hasn't it?

You've suddenly realised, look at his face.

He's suddenly realised they might know it's him.

And they could be listening, and they're going to clean you out, mate.

Oh, if you are the builder working in, uh, where is it?

I won't say the address, but it's Central London, isn't it?

Yeah.

Go mental.

Have whatever you want.

Opposite that pub that you like.

He'll probably be in there now, so he won't be like that.

Or insulting.

Insulting the British workman.

He should have been in the middle.

He should have been at 8 this morning.

He would have annoyed me anyway.

I really don't understand why they've got to start so early, right?

But he said he'll be there for 8.

Turned up at half nine, right?

Wanders in.

And what annoys me is he could have left all this downstairs.

He had a paper under his arm, one of those crossword books, and a pot noodle.

Now, I'm not being funny, funny, but most of them took up quite a bit of time.

A crossword book is not happy with just the one that's in the paper.

If you're listening, if you are the builder that's listening now doing Carl's flat, what about pissing in the laundry basket?

You've realized now that the builder could well be listening, knowing exactly who you're talking about.

There's a chance of it.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I didn't think about it, but you're right, you know, was tuned on to that.

I think he did flick it on, thinking about it, thinking back.

If so, yeah,

he's probably listening now.

No, he probably isn't.

He probably listened to about a half hour.

If he's got any sense, he turned it to heart or virgin or magic or something.

But, you know, there is a chance.

Good advice to the listeners.

Yeah.

If you've got any sense.

If you finish your crossword puzzle.

I think, you know, according to our figures, there's a 5% chance of him listening to it.

So

if we want to be accurate.

Although he is in a house with it tuned to that, so I think it puts him right up to 50% straight.

But again, Rick, he's got a job of work.

So why would he be listening to this show?

Well, he's doing a crossword at the moment.

Yeah, well.

You better hope he's not listening.

Well, I mean, they do annoy me.

I'm sticking by it.

Yeah, go on.

You might as well keep digging.

Yeah, go on.

No, I'm just saying.

They do annoy me, the way they wake you up at 8 and then.

Well, that's when they start work.

Because I've told you, I mean...

Oh, we'll leave that one then.

Yeah.

No, but it's like...

The other day when they came in, I always liked to test them.

I mean, when I had some work done on the last flat I was in, right, that was renting, the builders were in sort of in the shower out and that.

They woke me up about half past seven.

Yeah, right.

Were you in the shower?

No, no, I good thing about cleaning the shower, there's never any hair down the plug hole.

Yeah.

Right.

So I I left early to come to work, right?

Sure.

Um, and I thought, I wonder what they're doing.

I wonder if they have started.

So I walked back to go back in.

They'd left the flat and I was outside having Starbucks

and it just annoys me that they couldn't do that first.

Do you know what I mean?

Have your breakfast first, then come and wake me up.

But don't wake me up to then get me out of the flat and then say, alright, let's go and have breakfast.

Well, they've probably got to get in, haven't they?

What for?

What for?

They can put all the tools in the little lobby bit.

Do you know what I mean?

Just winds me up.

Sure.

Now, the thing is, the guy today who's doing the tiling, well, that's narrowed it down a bit more.

Right?

When I knew he was in there, I went out for a bit, I had a cup of tea and a bacon butty, right?

At a cafe.

And I went back and I was really quiet.

I put my key in the door and opened it really quick to see what he'd be doing and he had actually started work so fair play to him

what if he'd just been exfoliating himself naked on the kitchen floor yeah I'd say right caught you

don't use

it yeah

so uh yeah

if you're listening go through the wardrobes upstairs

yeah you won't get anything I've put everything in places where they wouldn't think of looking for jewellery and stuff so you're thinking that where do we put the jewelry

I'm not saying go on so you're thinking that they're gonna thieve from you as well Okay, so if you're listening,

don't think about the obvious places when you're looking for the jewelry.

No.

But I do things like I would do things like, you know,

just pop a little bit of urine

maybe in the salt cellar or something.

Just do something.

One thing I do is I take the take the toothbrushes in the bathroom, just put them in the toilet, brush it, and then take them back again, just put them back in there.

Leave them nothing.

Leave them out.

When they were coming last week, I brought the biscuits to work.

Suzanne was like, no, we're not.

You brought it

to me.

No, no, no, it weren't that tiny.

It was just a packet of good quality cookies.

Good quality cookies.

You thought I'd be down with the rest of the day.

Oh, God.

That's what Suzanne always says.

Don't know, you know,

why you like this.

Because,

you know, it's not as if you've been sort of harmed as a kid or anything.

But I like the fact that you once said to us that you don't need friends.

You don't like friends because they're a bit of a pain.

Because they call you up and they want to be with you.

Yeah, but mates are a hassle.

I woke up today, right?

And I think it was on, might have been on Five Live or something this morning in the bedroom, right?

And they were talking about how it's Nelson Mandela's birthday.

80 odd.

20,000 people turning up at his party.

I thought, I'm glad I'm not here.

I couldn't be doing with that.

20,000 people.

Think of the carpet afterwards.

I mean, a good percentage of them will put in out fag butts on his carpet.

After Tommy Walsh and Charlie Dimmer, what's her name?

did lovely the lovely patio and a water feature.

He's going to come back and he's going to go, oh, it's ruined.

And what's he he doing for his birthday?

Karaoke?

Chinese meal, big karaoke?

I wonder what Nelson Mandela's birthday party is like.

Big cake.

An enormous cake.

Yeah.

Was fire and jumping out.

Yeah, it was first girls, isn't it?

Well, everyone.

I don't know.

We are the only three people that hasn't met him.

I thought everyone.

The file would have been in the cake.

Yeah.

Just in case, you never know.

And if Winnie calls, I'm not here.

Have you not invited her?

No, of course I've f no, definitely not.

Poor Nelson.

Happy birthday.

How old is he?

85.

No, God bless him.

God bless him.

Imagine.

Oh, God.

Just imagine if he was in charge.

We did put him in charge of the country.

Terrifying.

Wouldn't that be amazing?

Let him run the country.

Just for a week.

Or the mayor.

What would you do if you were the president or the Lord Mayor of London or the Prime Minister?

I wouldn't do it.

Like, he's going to be off of it.

It's a hypothetical question, Carl.

No, but Suzanne was.

Alright, meet me, Mrs.

If you're a new listener.

You keep her, Sure.

You help her.

She was watching the news, trying to follow some heavy stuff.

And I'm like...

The weather?

What?

I just was like bored and I was reading about that mouse that had an ear on its back and stuff.

So she said, well, you take notice of this.

You know what Ricky and Steve are like.

They try to teach you stuff and you don't even want to learn.

So to try and get me interested in it, she was like saying, what would you do if you're president and stuff?

And I can't be dealing with any of it.

What did you come up with?

You must have spoken.

What did you come up with?

Did you come up with anything?

I had a little

design of it, right?

I said

I'd have like red and blue to sort of, do you know what I mean?

Both sort of major sides into one to the desired.

Well, that's broken the back of it.

That's a pretty good manifesto so far.

Anything else?

What's on the second page?

I had like

KP Looks After Me.

That would be the badges, would it?

Yeah.

That's good.

I'm a KP nut.

yeah

yeah brilliant that's about as far as i went with it

what would you do what about you know policies transport um crime uh uh you know just just law and order um yeah how would you what would you do how would you deal with crime what would your initial approach be would you introduce guns should police carry guns nah no

would I have to worry about that?

Okay.

No, good point.

Good point.

No, what I'm saying is, though, I mean, Tony Blair isn't sorting everything out, is he?

No, but he has a say in most things.

Does he?

Well, go on, then, what are the problems at the moment?

I need sorting out.

Well, generally,

what's the best way to combat it?

Would you bolster up the prison system?

Would you introduce more community service?

Would you go harsher

for say,

I don't know,

drugs.

Would you go harsher or less harsh?

There's pros and cons and both, isn't it?

Because, of course, you can't see to condone it, but some people, you know, you don't want to go through the court system and cost taxpayers thousands of pounds of money for someone, I don't know, the difference between smoking a spliff and dealing crack.

Do you know what I mean?

You have to all these things.

Have I lost you?

Yeah, I'd just think about it for a bit.

Do you know what I mean?

Brilliant.

You think about it for a bit.

Yeah.

Probably ask Suzanne.

This is amazing.

Yeah.

What about the foreign situation?

Would you have supported Bush in his war on again on terrorism?

You're aware of this war that we had recently?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, if I was new, though, couldn't I just say, Look, new slate.

Do you know what I mean?

Let's start again.

Yeah, of course you can.

I'm in charge now.

Let's, you know, let's see if we can sort this out.

What would you do then?

Then see what happens.

Brilliant.

Just suck it and see.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Yeah.

This is excellent.

Now this is this is not really your jurisdiction.

This is not really your area, but I imagine you'd have some powerful friends.

You might have a say on it.

What would you do about single-sex marriages?

Same-sex marriages?

See, this has got Cameron.

I thought Cameron had blown it on Big Brother because they said,

you know, what do you think about gay fellas getting married?

And he went, I know.

In the Bible, it says, you know, a man and a woman.

And I thought, oh, he's put off a lot of...

I don't think many Christians tune into Big Brother, but we know the gays love it.

They love Big Brother, don't they?

The gays.

Yeah, so so interesting.

What would your take be on that?

Same-sex marriages?

And then what?

Having a kid?

Well, just start off with.

That's all right, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

Just let them get on with it.

If it's not affecting anyone else, sure, sure.

Right?

But it starts getting tricky.

Right.

And you get a kid.

Okay.

Go on, why?

Well, it's just tricky, innit?

Do you know what I mean?

Well, yeah, you could be right.

I'm not giving any.

I mean, you know, we're not.

There's no right or wrong.

If you were in, like, if you lived in the jungle, right, with no one else, right,

and you just had these two fellas, right,

looking after you,

but

because you've got no one else looking in on that saying, oh, you're a bit weird, aren't you?

Do you know what I mean?

But as soon as you come to the moment,

why have they got married?

Do you think the gay people turned to a bloke because they couldn't get a woman?

If there's two fellas go away and they're in the jungle, they go, we're definitely not going to find a woman here.

We might as well bum.

That's not how homosexuality starts.

People don't.

It makes you wonder.

No, no, it does make you wonder.

Guys don't go, well, I'll tell you what, I haven't seen a woman I fancy yet.

I'll try a bit of knob.

No, no, no.

But what I'm saying is, right?

If you're brought up in like a little jungle, right?

Yeah.

How are you brought up?

Someone just puts you there.

I don't know what this is.

I'm not going to be able to do it, Steve.

I can't be bothered by this.

I can't be bothered running the country.

Like, I'm too much trouble for you.

KP takes care of me.

Right, fair enough.

What I'm saying is, right,

if you're brought up in a jungle,

right?

What do you mean brought up?

Just let him finish.

What does he mean?

I'm just let up, though.

Like Tarzan.

You've got to tell me what you mean by brought up.

Wolves, chimps, what?

Right, well, there's a good example of what I'm saying to you.

Right.

Right.

What I'm saying is, there's a fella, right?

He's brought up in the jungle.

Shut up.

Just let him finish.

Let him finish.

There's no women about.

He doesn't know about women.

He doesn't understand what women are.

Right.

Right?

But another fella walks in the scene.

Yeah.

And he gets Pally with him.

What does he talk about?

Then they've both got needs.

But this scenario is ridiculous.

How has he lived?

Or does he know what's his reference point?

I can't be bothered with this.

Honestly, Saturday shouldn't have been, you know, day off and that, not worrying about problems.

So, that's it.

But maybe, I'll tell you what.

a good idea, Carl.

Just beg.

Just to ask for, get asked for other things.

What do you want?

What do you want for Christmas?

You must have a big fan back there willing to make you things.

Maybe like a little,

I don't know,

gloves, a pair of gloves.

She's like a baby hat.

If you want to send a necklace in for Suzanne, that'd be handy.

Oh, yeah.

That's what she wants.

Is Suzanne listening today?

No, she's out.

Right, okay.

This is the dilemma.

Me and Steve yesterday were trying to convince Carl that it would be a good idea to buy Suzanne a Christmas present.

Okay?

Now,

why aren't you going to buy a Christmas present?

Explain, Carl, why you don't think you should buy a Christmas present?

No, I've told her I'll get her one, but in the new year.

We're going away on holiday and that, so there's no point taking stuff away.

Yeah.

Going to Lanzarote next week.

Just get somewhere in the sales after Christmas.

Yeah.

Right.

Me and Steve were trying to explain to Carl that she would love it if you bought her something on Christmas Day.

Yeah, but she knows now.

knows what i've told her no well i'm gonna tell her do you know right this dear listener this was carl's worry

i said i bet she's got you something and carl was worried in case he got her something and she hadn't got him something yeah he'd be livid he didn't want to be down he didn't want to be a present down yeah look at his face so buy her a nice necklace don't spend just but spend 100 quid you know just a little token we're going away we're not taking her away on holidays no you're not taking her away holiday what what you're paying for it, are you?

Yeah.

Are you really?

Well, half and half and that.

Right.

So he's meant for you to go on holiday.

That's good of you.

So the gift is your company, really?

She's done all right.

She's doing all right.

Why do you talk like you're 60 years old?

She's been working under mine.

She's, I don't know that she's doing all right.

Do you go into her and say, Suzanne, you're bloody lucky?

I mean, you've fallen on your feet.

Look who you've got.

I'm not sure she has done all right.

I don't want to be critical, but

oh, dear.

So, what are you going to get in the sales?

What are you going to get in?

Depends.

I'm thinking, I mean, I'll give her the choice.

She can have Kingsley and all Bob Marley.

Right, I'll let her decide there.

Oh, dear.

I can't wait to see you.

Where are you going, Lanzarote?

Yeah.

Where's that?

Don't know.

Suzanne's sorting it.

I said, Lanzarote, I said, is that

Africa or is it Spain or or Portugal?

Just told you, Dano, and you know,

well, what's the currency went?

Donald?

I said, Suzanne booked this one, did she?

Yeah.

I thought, uh so um where is it?

Is it is Lanzarote

African or foreign?

Somewhere like that.

Somewhere foreign.

I was looking last night and uh

doesn't look that good.

There was like one of the highlights of the things it says you've got to do is go and have uh apparently they've got restaurants in caves.

And that's like one of the things they say you must do.

So if that's a highlight, do you know what I mean?

So we'll do that.

Go and see what that's like.

When you're on the beach, Carl, do you wear the very, very tight speedos?

No.

Do you walk over?

Sort of longish shorts, t-shirt on, probably with a sort of a light shirt on top of that.

Right, sure.

So quite quite wrapped up there.

Do you wear a hat?

Because obviously the bald head there is risk of sunburn.

No, I just put a bit of lotion on it.

Lotion on there.

Yeah.

Just have a bit of a wander.

Wander down the beach, have a look.

See if there's any old blokes with their tackle out and a backpack.

A lot to look forward to, so

there you go.

Well, we're looking forward to finding out how you get on.

And interested to know what she gives you on Christmas Day.

More scintillating chat after this next song.

Right, better placebo.

Yeah, love it, love it, love it, love it.

Special needs.

Three holidays, Carl's had this year.

Last year.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd love to have three holidays.

You've got to start putting the work in those.

You had two holidays, though.

No, you had three holidays.

You went away with uh Suzanne and her parents yeah what doesn't count it does count if you book if you book two weeks off the firm you go away and you go how much holiday well it didn't really count it wasn't a really good holiday can I have them days back please you

oh my new year's resolution is to be nicer to you but well

no but talk sense

talk sense you've had three holidays this year and I'm just saying you you're in your thirties now and thirties is when you should be really putting the work in

to reap the benefits in your forties fifties sixties seventies eighties nineties and and 100.

Carl, what's your New Year resolution?

What about think before you speak?

See, I'm allowed to laugh.

I've allowed to laugh at things other people say, Carl.

That is a good suggestion.

How was your holiday, Carl?

It was alright.

Right, brilliant.

But I don't see on the kind of, on the ratio of good to bad in Carl's mind, that might be amazing because we know it might be amazing

anyway.

I'll tell you what, can we have a cracking little tune and then come back and hear about Carl's hollow?

I'd love to do that.

Let's keep it tight.

You went to Lanzarote.

People said, Don't go to Lanzarote.

They told you it was Lanzarotti.

They told you, were they right or wrong?

They were right, yeah.

Really?

Yeah, it's a bit ropey, yeah.

Is it why?

Just uh

not there.

If it wasn't for the for the volcano they had, it'd been acid.

That's their big draw, is it?

it?

That's it, basically.

That's all they've got going for them.

When you learned it, was it really hot?

Initially, were you quite excited?

You were thinking this is warm.

Yeah, we can't complain about the weather.

The weather was alright, sure.

You know what I mean?

That's what I went for, but it'd be nice if there just was something else.

What did you do all day then?

Did you read your original book?

No, I didn't read that.

I read that book.

Do you know the book that I bought?

And all the chapters were messed up.

Oh, yeah.

But I bought a better version of that.

Alright.

And I read that.

Excellent.

And then.

Did it make more sense in order?

Yeah, a lot easier to follow.

Yeah.

And then we

went and had a look at the volcanoes and that.

They've got 36 of them to look at.

How many did you look at before you realised that you've, you know, pretty much you've seen one volcano, you've seen them all?

Probably about six or seven.

Really?

And then when you got into the eighth, you thought, no, I know what this is going to be, Suzanne.

This is going to be like a mountain with a hole in the top.

Yeah.

Really?

But it happened years ago as well.

It's like, just keep a couple, fill the rest in, tidy it up.

Fill the rest in!

Volcanes and builders.

No, seriously, though.

Okay, four million tons of concrete, please.

They're an absolute death track.

Yeah,

what do you mean, fill them in?

Do you know what a volcano is?

Just a hole, isn't it?

That's happened.

Well, it's more than the hole.

It's more a portal to the magma in the centre of the earth.

Back in 1730, it happened.

And they still haven't sorted it out.

Well, when you say it happened,

volcanoes were made a lot longer than 17k.

But the one that did Lanzarote in.

right sort it out what do you suggest how can they fill it in it's joined it's all joined

the big plates of the earth are all joined

with the with the trade centre thing that happened they cleaned it up sorted it out we've moved on that's what I'm saying whereas lanzarotti have just gone leave it it happened back in 1730 you misunderstand me

how in the name of God can you fill in a volcano you ignorant

no but it's not just the holes, they've actually left the lava everywhere.

That's what I mean.

It's not just the big holes, there's lava everywhere.

But it's molten rock, they can't just pick it up like they're like a carpet.

Put it in the holes, the holes are there ready, just push it all in.

That's what I'm saying.

What exactly is there then?

Is it just a kind of moon-like kind of surround with just kind of dust and rocks?

That's exactly what you see.

I was there when the the Mars thing went wrong.

I would have just sent a camera crew there.

Filmed out of that, right?

And so here we are.

This is it.

Ignore the little coffee shop in the background.

This is Mars, because that's where it's like, just loads of dust.

Yeah.

Holes everywhere.

Tidy up.

Little round-headed aliens complaining.

Just like Mars.

So

what's the best bit about the holiday?

Come on, pretend you're Judith Chalmers.

I have been doing.

I would have done all that.

I would have said that.

Don't bother.

I mean, the hotel was good.

Yeah.

That was alright.

What was that like?

It's alright.

Just, you know, clean.

That's all you want, isn't it?

See, that's not quite what Judith Chalmers does.

She doesn't go, what's the hotel like?

Alright, yeah, clean, isn't it?

Alright.

But what was it like?

Was it, what was it?

Three-star, four-star?

Does it have a swimming pool?

What was it?

Yeah, it had a swimming pool on that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's good.

You know, I think it was one of the better ones on the island.

Okay.

Nightlife?

Wasn't really...

There wasn't really any...

There was a bar, there was some bands playing.

Not very good.

Food.

Food got a bit boring.

Yeah.

It was always the same food every night, but they sort of themed it and made out as if it was different.

So, like, on Mexican night, it'd be chicken with a...

nacho on it.

Right.

Right.

And Chinese night, sort of chicken with a little prawn cracker on it and stuff.

That got a bit boring.

That's me just turning on my phone because I want to read to you a text that I got from Carl.

I think you sort of sum up the holiday in this text, don't you?

Do you remember it?

I can't remember.

Let's have a look.

Let's have a little look.

Let's see.

What did Suzanne, your girlfriend, make of it?

Similar view to you?

That they should fill in the

holes?

Yeah, it's just that thing.

You see, I went on a coach trip, right?

And you go and see the volcanoes.

Like I say, there's 36 of them.

Yeah.

Which in how many do you need?

And when we're on the coach going round all these volcanoes, the fella on the front's going and look out your left window at the moment,

there's a volcano.

And if you quickly look out of the right-hand side there, there's another one.

And on the left, it's just like, alright, we've seen it.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And that trip, I mean, we'll talk about that trip in a bit more.

Right, this is the text I got from Carl, right?

Alright.

Being up to a volcano.

Being in some

dead artist's house who built his house in the lava.

They said they would show me science with volcanoes, but all they did was chuck some water

in a hole and it shot up in the air.

No dwarves in the canteen, no scousers here, but there is a Swede woman with a big head.

She looks effing gourmless with a cap on.

Alright, so a little reference there to a Swede woman?

What's that mean?

Do you mean Swedish?

Yeah.

Or she looked like a vegetable.

A Swedish one.

But they've all got sort of quite big built, aren't they?

And I sent him a text.

Oh, well, it's good to have beer on there because I'm working.

He sent back, so am I.

Just been watching Sky News.

There is a school for monkeys who want to get a band together.

Is that monkey news for later?

Well uh

but out of ten then um what

what would you give it out of ten?

All food, food, location,

relaxation, you know, enjoying that.

That's that's

six.

Okay, brilliant.

Next week, where are you going next week?

You're not on holiday next week.

Got away with Suzanne's mum and dad again.

Five holidays.

Play records.

You've got to put some work in, you're in your thirties now.

You've got to knuckle down.