BONUS: Do We Need 'Em (Compilation)

Diffing all his mum and everyone.

Yeah,

thankfully.

Carl's in a bad mood already.

He's been in about three minutes and he's in a bad mood getting stressed.

If you can't hack it, leave.

What's the matter with you?

No, I'm just saying.

It's been.

I was meant to enjoy last Saturday off and I didn't.

Why not?

Why is that our fault?

Because you weren't here.

Just because.

I don't know.

But.

Are you not in the Christmas spirit?

Why didn't you enjoy last Saturday?

I went all the way back up north again, right?

Because it was Suzanne's dad's birthday.

I was busy last week, didn't have time to get him a present or anything.

Didn't have time to get him a present.

So I got to Euston Station, bought a card for him, which was a Christmas card, so he wasn't happy because he was saying it's my birthday.

And I said, well, I won't be seeing you again.

So I've got a joint card.

And then we went out.

Did you get him a present?

Well, no, because we went out on Saturday night for something to eat at this pub that he likes that does nice steak and onion rings, right?

So he should be happy anyway.

But you pay for it.

No, no.

But it should have been happy anyway.

Suzanne pays for that because it is her dad, right?

Not mine.

So I said, all right, what can I do?

I said to her.

So she said, just buy a few drinks or something.

Anyway, I didn't get around to getting drinks.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I didn't get around to getting the drinks.

So I said, right, I'll pay for the cab, right?

Oh, what a lovely Christmas gift that is.

Yeah, £2.50.

I paid, no.

It was like

three quid back.

So £6 quid you spent on him?

Well, no, I spent more.

See, that's what he said.

He said, I'm getting the Bolton and back, aren't you?

He said, oh, you've spent on me six quid for my birthday.

He said, no, I haven't, because I gave the taxi driver a ten.

I'm a little bit worried about his attitude as well.

Because even if, I mean, that is a stingy present, but you don't go.

I mean, let's be honest, that's the worst Christmas gift ever.

Because, I mean, you're pretty bad, like we discussed in the past, but at least you spend a bit of money.

Yeah.

It's just thoughtless.

Yeah.

It's nothing.

I'm not giving him any time.

I mean, I would.

And I knew my demographic.

They loved it, my family.

They couldn't believe their luck.

You know.

A tenor.

You spent a tenor on him.

Well, the cabaret was six quid.

But the thing is,

I don't think he's saying that.

I think it's the fact that this is like, you know, fritter in a way, and I would have lost it.

He would have loved it.

I'm sure he would have been appreciative of a lovely £10 gift that you cared about and bought.

A book he probably likes, fly fishing, doesn't he?

By J.R.

Hartley.

If you'd have bought that, he'd have gone, that's what I was looking for.

Or E, what I was looking for, Carl.

E, bloody hell, Carl, you little balls, twat.

That's just what I wanted.

So, all right, so just calm down.

So, what have you got planned for Christmas?

Is this what I mean?

are you doing the same thing?

Christmas is excellent.

You've paid me milk bill for this week.

That were re nice.

I'm spent this year.

So have you planned anything for Suzanne or are you just yeah I'm taking her out Christmas Day for something to eat?

Well don't just you know that?

Is that is that she's working today so she d is she would you know

so what Christmas gift have you got?

I say I'm taking her out.

What you haven't got you haven't got a present?

No'cause we've spent a lot of time.

That's half yours though.

You're gonna be eating you're not gonna just be sitting there watching her eat going, oh, I'm hungry but I spent all you're gonna be eating as well.

That's half yours.

So you've got nothing to unwrap.

It's sitting there like a cat who's got it.

She's got nothing to unwrap.

There's nothing.

She's going to hand something over to you because I've met the woman.

She will.

She'll hand something over.

You'll open it.

You'll love it.

I might get some in today.

You shouldn't take me to begrudging in your life.

God.

Right.

Right, so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we're going to

try and stick in some Christmas songs.

We're not playing all Christmas songs, but I've brought in a couple of so this is Christmas, John Lennon, The River, Joni Mitchell, Fairytown New York, one of the best Christmas songs ever.

What about a bit of Pretenders?

That's a good one.

2,000 Miles.

Pretenders, 2000 Miles on XFM 104.9.

This sort of Christmas edition.

We're not here next week, are we?

No.

Carl is, aren't you?

Well, you are in a way.

I was doing the best of, ah, is it the best of?

Yeah.

Brilliant.

Have you been putting it together?

Not yet.

Okay.

I'll do it today.

Tell me what bits you want in it and I'll sort it out.

It's not for me to say.

Yeah, it is a best stuff.

Or maybe people could email him with their highlights of the year for them.

I'm trying to think what they were.

I mean, mostly

Carl.

It'd be mostly Carl, won't it?

Mostly Carl, gibberish from Carl.

I think it'd be an awful lot of educating Ricky from Carl.

Well, ricky.gervase at xfm.co.uk if you've got any thoughts on stuff you'd like to hear again.

Is there anything you'd like to hear of Carl saying something stupid, me and Steve laughing or slapping him?

Yeah, that's basically the competition, isn't it?

Well, there's a couple of instances where I tried to kiss him, I think, and you encouraged me.

Yeah, those are some highlights for me.

I wish I'd a video that.

Yeah, so do I.

You mentioned educating Ricky.

We've only got, do you know, we only have like three instalments?

Yeah.

We've only got two today.

Why?

Why?

Just.

Well, you clearly weren't busy Christmas shopping, so what are you?

What's

like I say every week, it's a bit of a struggle finding stuff that I can teach you.

But at the same time, what we have got, we've started the feature, I teased MTV with it, right?

So I thought I'd best start doing it before they get someone like Zane Lowe presenting it or something.

So, do we need them?

Do we need them?

You should explain: do we need them for those that don't like the show?

Well,

it's sort of education about animals and stuff, and if we need them.

So, like

David Attenborough once said,

you can get rid of people off the earth and it would carry on, there's no problems.

But, you know, get rid of a monkey and

you could have problems on your hands.

So, is that a direct quote from Attenborough's current audience?

I think so, yeah.

So, what I've done today, right?

He always starts having it with right, so then, yeah, Yeah, exactly.

And he always ends things.

You got yourself all quite cool, all sorts of cool stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

So that's that, that's done.

That's coming up.

Enjoy that.

Enjoy that.

I've spoken to a woman about

jellyfish.

Oh, yeah, because I know you're not a fan.

Not a fan of them, so we'll be speaking to her.

Women or jellyfish?

This is a woman.

Are you

sure?

So we'll be sorting that out before three o'clock.

We'll be finding out if we need them.

That one's a bit.

He's great and he's great.

And then we've got a Christmas edition of Rockbusters, which I found out yesterday.

Go on.

Channel Four have ripped it off.

Go on.

It's on their uh teletext thing.

That's gracious.

Yeah, on their teletext page, someone said.

What are they doing then?

Like Rockbusters, they're copying the format.

Are you sure they're not copying blockbusters?

No, no, it's it's uh someone said it's a cryptic clue of a band and that and initials and you work it out.

That is despicable.

I mean

so they've th they've fundamentally ripped off the idea of being out allowed to do a cryptic clue to get a band.

Yeah, but these sort of clever cryptic clues.

They don't have ripped you off, then, have they?

I'm just saying.

Hey, I should just point out, because it's Christmas time, we've had an email from Dickie Anderson.

Oh, Dickers.

Yeah, R.A.

is, well,

I suppose he's a long-time listener.

Yeah.

And he emails us most weeks.

Ricky,

if, as I suspect, I'm your only listener, I wouldn't bother with your show today as I've got to attend some family Christmas nonsense at Auntie Marion's house.

And so Gattie Anderson.

And he's good because, considering he hates the show and everything we stand for,

he does take the time to email every week.

That counts, that counts to advertisers.

I think we've got a lot like him.

We've also had a lovely Christmas card here from Alexandra, right?

Who's wishes that she loves the show, she loves you, Carl, and she's enclosed some biscuits for you to save you a bit of money because she knows you goes out and get your own biscuits.

Then we've got some lovely little packet of five.

Why don't you wrap them up and you can give them to your girlfriend?

Don and Blitzen from the About a Boy Sound Trap by Badly Corn Boy.

Christmas theme there, Christmas theme there.

You spotted the Christmas theme.

Yeah.

Carl's not really in festive mood, but I can't imagine Christmas is your time of year, is it, Carl?

Well, I'm not sure any time of the year is, really.

I actually when I was about

I think when I was about seven I enjoyed it.

Was that the one?

Was that the year, the big year for you?

You've got loads of stuff you don't have to worry about anyone else, but once you've got a job.

What did you get when you're...

When were you doing your payground?

How old were you then?

I was about 13, 14.

That was then your own man, wasn't it?

Yeah, I had to buy stuff.

Oh, but you're still not having a good time.

I didn't realise this.

No, it's just that Christmas.

And that's coming from him, Carl.

My dad always said.

Oh, I stood here, dad.

So Christmas morning was for, like, you know, for me.

So he used to stay in bed.

So he never.

That's brilliant.

That's a great thing to say, ain't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Christmas morning's for you.

Run wild, do what you want, just don't bother me.

That's great.

Dad, it's Christmas.

Do I have to do anything?

No.

So my mum used to get up because she used to like to see my face light up, you know, when I opened my presents.

And then

fireworks.

And then

I have to go to my bedroom from about six o'clock onwards because my mum and dad were into having big Christmas parties and I wasn't like old enough to go.

So they'd say, right, you know, you've had your fun now.

You go up to your bedroom, stay in there.

Yeah, I remember one year, right?

I got a train set, that's what I wanted.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

Playing with it all day.

I thought, I don't mind about the party, I'm happy staying up here playing with this.

Brother comes in, he's had a few, right?

He's going, yeah, I gives a go on yourself.

How old is he?

He's a bit older than me, so he might have been like,

let's see.

Well, let him be 18.

Yeah, probably about 18, 19, something like that.

I was, well, I had a train set, so I don't know, about 14,

something like that.

Right, so I'm playing on that, loving it and stuff.

And then he comes in and goes, oh, gives a go.

He turns the transformer up to like fourteen.

He went really fast for about five seconds, broke it, and then he went back downstairs.

Wow.

So Christmas I hadn't even got to go.

Sounds like the Conservative government with British Rail.

Satire that.

It's satirical.

I just thought that there's satire.

It's terrible.

Because only satirical shows this thing already.

It doesn't work in any way, because

the analogy falls down apart from there being a train.

Think it through, though, British Rail was trains.

Yeah, and the government broke the trains and made it.

Well, they didn't break them, like not officially breaking them, but they kind of

worked perfect.

Oh, I'm very pleased with that.

And I can't bend.

And no one's asked him to be on the Vargas View.

It's weird, isn't it?

Because it is strange that.

When you've got a satirical mind that's as quick as that, yeah.

And he's broke your little train setting.

So, what did you do?

I just watched Tally and I had some sausages.

I bet you were happy with that, though, weren't you?

It's a bit annoying, though, isn't it, when your main present of the year has been broke.

And did it ever get you fixed?

No, that was it.

That was it.

Put away.

I'm intrigued why your parents wouldn't let you come and join the festive fun.

Was it like when he had the borch down there?

Was it like eggnog everywhere and stuff?

Well, no, but I mean, that's fair enough.

Six is a little bit early, but I just think, you know, if you're your kid, you know, he had his fun, put him to bed, put him to bed at eight, maybe.

On Christmas Day, I thought that was a day for family.

Well, not if there's a party going on.

I don't have the party on Christmas Day as well.

Well, that's another option.

Yeah.

Your parents are weird, aren't they?

A strange breed.

Well, I think that was a year, right?

You're talking about buying presents and stuff.

I think I did treat me mantally.

I didn't buy my dad anything.

I think that was like when I got a bit older, I used to get my dad something because he wasn't that bothered anyway.

So I got my mum.

It was a cheap shop.

Of course.

Thank God for that.

Called Snips.

So I went in there and I thought, let's see what I can get her.

And remember Victoria Plum?

I don't think so.

Well, it's like a fairy character.

Right.

And my mum's into gnomes and stuff.

So I thought, right.

She wasn't pleased with you then.

Victoria Plum.

I I was thinking, is that one of the neighbours?

Is it like a brandy or Victoria Plum?

Victoria Plum.

Victoria Plum, yeah, it's like a little fictional sort of character.

Okay, okay.

So I saw it, I thought, yeah, she'll love that.

So I did my paper round, saved up for two weeks, right?

Got that sorted, went to SNPs, bought the Victoria Plum.

Next day, I'm in town with her, right?

So I think, ah, I know what I'll do.

I said, come in here in a minute, right?

So we go in and we're looking around and I tested her, right?

I went, Collapse there, that's alright, innit?

And she goes, Oh, it's bloody awful.

Oh, Carl.

Oh, Carl, I just, I, I, oh, God.

So then, Christmas Day comes, and I said, Don't bother opening it.

She said, No, no, why?

Oh, no, why don't you still give it to her?

So, well, it's too late, I'd already bought it.

Oh, Carl.

So she opened it, and I was like,

and she said, Oh, that's nice.

I said, Why are you saying that?

I said, The other day, I said, It's bloody awful.

She said, Oh, no, I thought you were pointing at something else.

Oh,

no.

So that's why I don't get anyone anything anymore.

Oh God.

Bang record.

Oh God.

Oh.

That's good, isn't it?

My bad?

Gold rush.

Let you down.

I'm actually quite affected by Carl's Victoria Plum scenario.

Just the fact that, like, that

eagerness.

He wants to make sure it's a great present.

He's saved up his paper round.

He thinks it's like a gnome,

but modern.

I'm worried that you're using it as an excuse now, and that's why you're not buying anyone any gifts, because you've had your fingers burned once.

I mean, you were six, seven years old.

To be fair.

No, you weren't.

You're about 13, weren't you?

If you're doing your paper round, yeah,

it must have been

11 or 12 then.

Alright.

Yeah, so I'd saved up.

Oh, no, I'm not using it as a thing.

It's just.

Where'd you get your mum this year?

I've sent them some money so they can get a passport.

Fucking get a passport?

Where are they?

Are they trapped somewhere?

They're in a holding bay somewhere in Dover.

What do you mean who's a truck driver who's going to sneak them across?

What do you mean?

So they can buy a passport?

What do they do?

Sell it when they're above

it down in their life.

No, they haven't got that much money, right?

They've never been abroad.

And the mate said they might tack them next year.

And they said, oh, we haven't got a passport, so I thought.

I've never buy a passport, have you?

Cause you know, you're God-given right as an Englishman.

No, you've got to pay for them, they're 30 quid each, so you better add to, otherwise, they're calling me.

Right,

boring with a passport.

Well, Gordon, you've sent them 60 quid in England, have you?

Well, check.

Right, I love that.

Have you watched intelligence France will come on and they go, Oh, what do you think of that?

She goes, It looks bloody awful.

Don't open it.

Don't open it.

Don't open it.

So you've not paid for a holiday for them.

No, I've I've just sorted out the well.

It's the better prize, isn't it?

Because they can't go anywhere without it.

Well, the passport keeps on giving.

Yeah, it's the passport.

Ten years, ten years.

That is, yeah.

So, but no, I never used to.

I mean, I can't think of other things.

I used to get my dad once, once I started getting him stuff, it used sort of used to be a dressing gown.

But as an extra surprise, I used to put like a cigar in the pocket, so he'd think that was it.

Yeah.

Then he'd put it on and put his hand in the pocket.

Right, but then he'd just hit you because you thought you'd nicked it.

Oh, dear.

So you bought a jacket with a cigar.

That was quite a thoughtful.

Didn't you sneak a cigar once on Christmas?

Well, it was when that's when they used to have like the big dudes, like I say, you know, they were known for it.

Like the whole estate used to know that, you know, we were having a party.

Yeah.

To them.

So they'd all come round.

So they'd all come round and have food and drink and that.

I can't imagine.

I cannot imagine how unpleasant that must have been.

Awful.

Awful.

And you locked in your bedroom with a broken train set.

Yeah, crying.

And looking at Victoria Plum, whatever that was.

In the bin.

Oh, in the bin, yeah.

And here a mum saying, and he got me this.

He got me this piece of rubbish.

You could hear him just throwing it against the wall and laughing

laughing.

And you'd come down, just be in pieces with loads of spit on it.

Just loads of scratches.

And all the poneroids of them just like laughing at it and pointing, stamping on it.

Alright.

Just brought all the blood in back.

But no, I used to get up in the morning and then they'd still sort of all be there asleep on the floor and on the sofa.

Oh, that's awful.

Oh, that's terrible.

Christmas is surely the one day a year which is a family thing.

It's for the kids.

They're the ones that are.

That was Boxing Day.

Well, I know.

It's over.

Back on the bike.

All right.

Who's going to pay for this?

What, me?

Yes, Carl.

You're doing two rounds today.

Yeah, was your paper around supporting the entire family?

So I used to get up and go downstairs and they'd be asleep, so I'd be mooching about trying to find another present that's still working.

I love the idea that these people from the estate had like squashed his presents.

Yeah, so I found a cigar that had been sort of lit up and then put out.

So I thought, oh, I'll have a go at that outside Madigo, and that's the last time I smoked.

Right.

I tried it, I thought, I don't like that.

I love the fact that he does everything once.

Yeah.

In his life.

It's a line of I've done everything once.

I don't need to do it again.

Oh, dear.

You know, I said in the past year, Rick, that my grandparents, so I love them dearly, but it's like for the last 30 years they've been waiting to die.

I know.

It's like they just sort of, it's like, you know, the novelty wore off of like

kind of bored of it.

Like, yeah, in the 40s, it was brilliant.

All sat around the old Joanna and Foxy Lee singing.

They loved that.

The 50s, you know, that was great as well, because that was the post-war years.

It was a bit tight in the pocket, but it was all right, everyone pulled together.

And then the 60s came along, all the crazy music, the funny hair.

Let's stay in bed.

And they eventually stayed in bed.

And it was one Christmas when my grandmother said to my dad, What's like for Christmas?

What do you fancy for Christmas?

And this must have been, I don't know, 20 years ago.

She said,

what do you fancy for Christmas, Ron?

And he went, well, you know, I could do with a nice big kind of warm winter overcoat.

She said, don't worry about that.

Don't worry about that because your father will be dead soon.

It's what you can have is.

Meaning my granddad.

Well, to be honest with you, my father's still waiting.

Which is good news.

Good news for my grandfather.

That's good news for me.

He's freezing.

He's freezing.

How is he today?

He's fine.

Okay, oh, I'm freezing.

It is such a weird mindset there.

I think it's that to me is what sums up people from that older generation, the 40s and 50s.

And it seems to me that you've got that kind of mindset.

It's like you were born in the 30s.

Whenever you talk of your childhood, it's like you had like a baked potato to take away.

Well, I know.

The other thing is, I think that that sort of generation, it seems that the man is dependent on the woman.

There's a total dependence.

Oh, absolutely.

If she dies, he's done.

Yes.

He's done for.

It just pine away.

If he dies, she's got 30 years of pottering.

Absolutely, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

And going to like, you know, the youth club and the church.

It's sort of like that.

It's sad, of course, it's sad for them, but it's not the end of their life.

No, she's not.

And it sort of is the other way around.

I don't know why that is.

It's terrible.

It's a little melancholy thought for a lot of people.

I know, it's really, but you brought it down.

You've brought it down.

This isn't a nice show at all.

This is terrible.

But enough people are just killing themselves.

What?

Well, I didn't really want to make it a Christmasy-type show because I don't really like it.

Oh, he's done it again.

Well, he did Christmas once, didn't like it.

No, he's just playing record.

I'm not religious or anything.

What are you?

You're not anything.

Teenage Fan Club from the XFM Christmas album, and that's Christmas Eve.

Their guitar sounds are just brilliant.

They're just always so nice.

Alright, Carls, you like that?

Is it like Teen H Fan Club?

Yeah, yeah, they're good.

I feel like you've never kind of enjoyed the wonder of Christmas.

I don't think I can ever get the sense, maybe except when you were very, very young.

You know, that kind of bright-eyed, you know, thinking of Santa, you know, kind of landing on the roof and coming down the chimney and drinking the sherry or whatever.

I like the idea of it, right?

The sort of, you know,

I used to get a couple of annuals every year, you know,

and I was allowed to open one on Christmas Eve.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Just

so they could throw it on the fire.

Quick skim through, do the fruits on your

to light the cigar off the cooker.

But anyway, listen, a good friend of ours, Ross Noble, he's been brilliant.

He's given me this picture, Carl, which he's got from a magazine.

He loves you.

I'm going to say, I think this...

I'll just lose it then.

Obviously, it's not going to mean much to the listener.

Oh, this is a good thing.

It's currently available.

I think it's in the current edition of Bizarre magazine.

So you might want to buy some of it.

It's not horrible, though, is it?

There's a certain grotesqueness about it.

Oh, it's a good thing.

It's a deformed person, isn't it?

Well, to a degree, but I think what it's going to do for Carl is give him, I think, just, I think for you and I, Rick, we're going to see his face lighting up, lighting up, like opening a wonderful Christmas gift.

Oh, you know what?

I think I've seen this.

Is this the one with the kid with the big head?

I'll be honest with you, Carl, it is.

Have you seen it already?

Let me just show it to you again so you can come.

No, we haven't done it again.

I haven't seen it.

It's like

we shouldn't be laughing at that.

No, but that is like the kid who I went to school with.

That is the same.

So, do you recognise him?

Seriously,

that is the same thing he had.

I have to say, it does look like it's been computer generated.

It's so odd.

But look at the chart's face.

Reaction.

Don't take another photo of me.

I'm not sure this is right.

It's not right.

It's not right.

But I was hoping that that would give you kind of just a little glimpse of.

We've had a request as well on the best bits to someone wants to hear you talking about your mates with the big heads.

I don't believe it, because every time we go there, we get some sort of complaint about something.

About what?

Well, for some reason, that always goes from the story with my dad going to Blackpool for taking those kids there.

And what kids?

Leave it.

No, what?

No, there's people that know what we're doing.

I'm going to tell you when we put a song on.

No, well, I know what it is, but you can't just say that.

Is it when?

Okay, is it when your dad put a kid in the weedy bin?

Because he was getting it ironed.

Yeah, so what we're going to be doing is going to

be too controversial.

We're going to.

What's the name?

No, the thing is, right, you were just saying about what are you?

About Christmas.

That's the funny thing, right?

Because in our house, there's no one who's religious, right?

No.

My dad got annoyed when I went to church that day.

He was like, What are you doing that for?

Of course.

I went to see a gig in Liverpool.

Remember the band The Christians?

Yeah.

He thought I'd join some club.

Yeah.

I said, I've been to see the Christians.

He was saying to me, Mama, what's he doing going out with them?

Yeah.

And then the other thing is, because I'm not christened or anything, my mum used to say to me, Don't tell anyone that because there's witches and stuff.

I just thought I wanna I wanna go back and see something.

I just wanna go back and see him at seven.

One day, one day in the life of Carl at seven.

Three ghosts visiting tonight

and take him back through time.

But we could go with him.

But we can see some of the ghosts.

Yeah,

Christmas person.

Oh, remember that?

That's incredible.

So she wasn't visible.

She thought maybe someone could take your soul because you weren't Christian.

It's like

there's cults and that, isn't it?

And if they find out you're not Christianed,

I don't think they care.

I don't think a lot of cults care.

But But what can they do if you're not Christian?

I don't know.

I just said, all right, because then through that time, there must have been a time when...

Oh no, now they know.

Yeah, but I'm older now, so I'm alright.

She used to worry about me playing out on the streets.

Oh, she was worried about whether you were naive and stupid and easily led.

Yeah, no, no, no, good point.

No, you're right now, yeah.

So, yeah, good.

Rockbusters.

Rockbusters.

We'll tell the prizes, Steve.

Yeah, we have a Christmas gift.

This is Christmas gifts.

I don't know if you've received them in time to actually pass them off as gifts.

I wonder if I can tell that

Ross Noble story that he told us.

I don't know.

We'll have to discuss that when the records play.

Okay.

Okay, so you heard a track from it just then.

This is the XFM Christmas album.

I think that's been knocking around here in the office for years, hasn't it, Carl?

Or is it new this year?

It was brought out about two years ago.

Christmas songs are

Christmas songs.

Yeah, it's not bad.

It's Scott fans on there, like Dandy Warholes, The Web Brothers are on there, Drugstore, Ben and Sebastian, Flaming Lips, all sorts.

So we've got that to give away.

We've also got this Smashing Pumpkins compilation, which we've seen, again, that seems to be knocking around for weeks.

Another one of those 50 years of the greatest hit singles.

I don't know, culture clubs on their queen on

seeing the cult film.

Yeah, the cult film will come back to you shortly.

This, I think, is one of the most exciting gifts.

If you have a video flare and you want to get trimmed, then surely Big Brother 3 champion Kate Lawler and her cardio combat video, in which I think she uses kind of, I don't know, military boxing training to get you trim and talk.

And looking as good as her, then you can get that as well.

We've also got an exclusive 7-inch single from the White Stripes, a kind of Christmas single.

Is that from them?

Yeah, yeah.

That must be quite rare.

That's probably quite rare.

That is worth something.

And the current badly drawn boy album, Have You Fed the Fish, which I think is slightly mediocre.

They've gone up, actually.

I think that the level of prizes there has gone up.

Not a bad selection, but here is the big movie.

And actually, I have to say, this is not a bad one.

No, it's not.

Again, it's not terrible at all.

It could be worse.

It's James Cannon in the original Rollable, not the disastrous remake that came out recently, but the DVD version of Rollable.

So that's there as well.

So something fairly interesting.

It's worth winning.

Right, come on then.

Let's do Rock Buster.

Will we play a song together?

It's paid your time to get a pen and paper and that?

Yeah.

So we're doing it next.

Yeah.

Carl Pilkington.

The man of the moment with his rock busters coming your way with all his great prizes.

Yeah.

Right, how are we doing it now?

I noticed Heat Magazine sort of put a bit of a spanner in the works.

Why?

Because they were saying, oh, maybe it'll be a Christmas edition of Rockbusters.

And I'd already sorted them out.

I wouldn't worry, Carl.

Well, what I've done, I've cleverly tweaked them to make them Christmasy.

So, the Christmas bet in it has got nothing to do with it whatsoever, but I just thought.

So, you mean the clues have a Christmas element?

But it's nothing to do with the answer.

Yeah, it's nothing to do with the answer.

So, what he just asked the normal ones in our ring a bell, I'll shake some bell.

I'll tell you that, but in sort of speech.

So, the first one:

there's a load of letters there asking for advice.

Put them on Claire's desk.

Owen uh have a good Christmas.

Oh God.

Right, so there's a load of letters asking for advice.

Put them on Claire's desk.

Owen, have a good Christmas.

Right, bear in mind people that the Christmas element may not be relevant to the

and the initial letter is F.

Right?

That's F.

Alright.

Right, the second one.

Ask your mum if you should

after you've wrapped the presents.

Ask your mum if you should.

Ask your mum if you should after you've wrapped the presents.

That's

S.

S.

Alright.

And the last one.

A couple of people were arguing in the supermarket at the fruit and veg counter, but it's it's busy in there because it's Christmas.

That's B.

B.

Oh, God.

So

they're the three.

Will I just recap?

Yes, please, yeah.

I've

no idea.

I don't know what to start thinking.

Well, right, there's a load of letters there asking for advice.

Put them on Claire's desk.

Have a good Christmas.

Have a good Christmas.

Second one, ask your mum if you should.

After you went to Christmas.

S.

And the last one, a couple of people were arguing in the supermarket at the fruit and veg counter.

But it's busy in there because it's Christmas.

It's busy because it's Christmas.

That's a B.

So they're the three things.

It's email only.

This one, please remember that.

Ricky.gervaise at xfn.co.uk.

Ricky.gavaise at xfm.co.uk.

Brilliant.

Carl looks happy with them.

He looks very happy.

So they're quite good.

They're good.

Alright, is there going to be more rock busters in the new year?

We're not sure.

I'm still

thinking about new ideas that we can do.

Um are we starting Ricky Diculous today?

Have you done that?

Couldn't be bothered.

Couldn't be bothered.

Come be hard.

Look forward to Ricky Dickulus.

He's worried about he said asked and he just stopped because he's worried'cause he's the producer.

Yeah, well I've got to set a standard.

Oh dear.

Carl, you have mate.

You have.

So that's that.

We've still got to come.

Oh, I'll tell you what, why don't we have a lovely tune?

Right, you make the tea.

We're opening these biscuits from Alexandra.

We'll be enjoying that, right?

Maybe segue so we can have a nice little rest.

I don't want to talk through it, it'd be rude.

And then we're coming back, and as part of like Pilkington, Parkinson, and do we need them?

Do we need them?

Carl has interviewed an expert on jellyfish.

Brilliant, so we've got that.

Plus, of course, we've got two parts, a two-part educating Ricky.

Educating Ricky still.

Will we go Christmas theme or not?

And we've still got things like the Pogues, John Lennon, Joni Mitchell, just David Bowie.

There's gonna be some great music and some great music and some fun chat?

Lovely.

Good, we've had our little biscuits, haven't we?

Yeah, good fun.

We're loving it,

I think I can just sum up the station, can't I, Steve, with that just last comment?

You're probably right.

Uh, I just came in, I just went to the toilet there, and uh, um, uh, it's a disabled toilet because it's close to it, so uh, you know, you go there.

I had a wee, I thought, oh, the thing doesn't work, didn't it flush?

Okay, but I said, oh, the toilet doesn't work, doesn't flush.

And Carl went, no, you just stick your hand down and pull that wire up at the

hand in the water.

I mean, just when did that Western water?

When David Bowie interviewed Zoe, and come on, yeah, there's torn smooth glass.

He goes, all right, bro, just stick your hand down, pop the shit down

the U-bend and just wipe your hands on your pants.

Thanks very much.

I mean,

sums up this station, doesn't it?

Absolutely.

Tin pot.

Have you ever done this?

This is one of my most embarrassing moments.

Because some of you'll see.

You'll see.

Well,

you'll realise what I was going to say.

What happened, Rick, was I almost leapt to the end of the story.

Right.

But I realised I had to go back a few steps.

I just don't.

Have you ever cut?

It was going to be coming.

But you'll understand in a minute when I finish the story that it's not coming in the traditional sense.

Oh, right.

Because it also is followed by coming out of.

Oh, sure.

All right.

Yeah.

And nutty trousers.

Oh, trousers.

Okay, okay.

All right, so now awkward moment.

If you're Christmas shopping, maybe you're in a big department store

and you see the disabled toilet and you think to yourself, I can nip in there, I can use that, you know, because it's close to hand because I've got to wander miles for the regular toilets.

I went in there once, in the 20, I did it at a disabled toilet, just snuck in, came out, disabled person.

Furious, that was, but it's really awkward because it's like because it is like it's their sort of private domain.

You know, it's like it's like they're part of an exclusive club.

They've not got many perks in life, and that's one of them.

And here I was, you know, kind of exploiting it.

But they can't, well, yeah, I suppose they can be annoyed.

But

you do affect a limp.

Do you know?

I normally do.

I often do.

I've affected a limp many times.

Like, for instance, yeah, if I take the lift in a building when it's only one flight of stairs, right, and they know and I get up on the first floor, I always affect a limp coming out.

So that justifies why I haven't come up the stairs.

Like, who is it that I'm scared is going to sort of say something?

Yeah.

But

it's the same thing as if someone asked me for directions.

I always pretend I'm foreign.

I always go, I don't.

Why do you do that?

Because I'm just terrified of giving them the wrong directions.

I don't know, I don't live

because I sort of, you know, I feel bad.

Because what I used to sort of give directions was I like giving directions, I like helping people out.

But then I realized I didn't really know.

He used to hang around going, you right?

Yeah, we're fine, yeah.

Do you want to know where to go?

I tend to have a go even if I don't know.

Exactly.

But I'm always terrified they'll come back and find you and go, you led us astray.

So now I just affect a foreign accent.

There was a fellow the other day, about two weeks ago, and I was walking in.

Little old woman, little old fella, came up to me and said, Where's Wimpole Street?

So I said,

Oh, I do know it.

So I think it's over there.

And then I'm not very good with street names, but I'm good that if you say, Oh, there's a boot on it, do you know what I mean?

If there's something near it, it's like the same with directions when I used to drive a lot.

Yeah, or historical facts.

I don't know, like, old motorway names, you know, like

M this and M that.

I can never remember that, but my dad used to always say, Right, there's a horse in the field, turn right, and stuff like that.

And it's the same with this fella.

He sort of said, you know,

where's Wimpole Street?

And I said, well, what are you after?

And he said, I'm after some blood.

And he goes,

Yeah, there's doctors around there, aren't they?

So I was like, oh, so that didn't help me.

What do you mean he was after some blood?

He said, oh, I need some blood.

He must have had an illness.

No, he just must have needed some new blood or something.

He had some illness.

And I was like, you know,

why did he go to the petrol and get some power?

No, but he didn't have fangs and a cape, did he?

Yeah.

No, but do you know what I mean?

Oh, that didn't help me out.

What if he said, well, some pile cream, actually?

Can you.

You go, oh, we want boots then?

Yeah.

He would have been alright.

But I didn't know where to start with that.

I need some blood.

Yeah, it's over there.

Yes.

Sort of pointed him away.

But so he was losing consciousness.

You sent him the wrong way.

He's dragging himself along the pavement.

Is there blood this way?

Get to the gap.

She's growing ever deeper.

Well,

we've got to do

Pilkington, haven't we?

Do you want to?

Yeah.

Okay, we should explain this, I think.

Well, it's Carl's new idea for a TV show.

He wants to do a TV show called Do We Need Him, where he goes round and he talks to experts like David Attanford, David Bellamy, maybe Lenny Henry doing David Bellamy, right?

If he can't get the real one,

and he just picks on an animal that he doesn't really like, doesn't think you need him, and an expert will tell him

if we do, if this is the first installment.

Let me put a song on, right?

Now we've got him, and then I can set it up and stuff and talk, you know, because

explain it and that.

Let's do a classic, let's do a big stomp in one of the best Christmas songs of all time, shall we?

What are you thinking?

Fairy Tale in New York.

Excellent.

Oh, it's always my home featuring Christian McCall on XFM 104.9, the Christmas edition.

Indeed.

Next week, we've had loads of suggestions, Carl, for your best bits.

It's basically all your best bits.

Me and Steve are largely irrelevant in the voting.

So, yeah, you can compile

your best bits next week, and they'll be loving it.

We've had a quest for the the uh little Chinese fellow in his pants, a horse in the house, cutting your hair on the railway station.

I mean, if you haven't heard those stories,

what does that mean?

The little gentleman in your pants, you've got to be tuning in next week to find out what that is.

The only thing is the old horse in the house was in the last best of, was it?

Yeah.

Well, that that doesn't stop, what's his name?

If you're one of those people that want to see these clips again,

tune in.

Every

night, 84.

Yeah.

Someone killed me.

I think I'm going to live forever.

It's like we said before, who goes to the recording of one of those?

There's a lot of people in the audience.

Yeah.

Aren't there?

That would be great.

Ticket three Arrow in the Night.

And they laugh at his jokes, but I mean, I don't know how to do it.

I think how many takes it, you know, I mean, how long it takes to record that.

The show's about three hours, so the recording must be about nine.

Have you ever seen Kirstie's home videos on Skyline?

I think so.

It's Kirstie.

It's got dogs falling downstairs.

Yeah, it's like you've been frame, but it's falling over in the weather.

He's got audience laughter.

But I'm assuming it can't be a real audience.

I'm assuming it must be like a damage.

They've just lifted it from the Flintstones.

They laughed from the Flintstones.

Robin forgetting the Flintstones had an audience.

If you watch the Flintstones, there's laughter when Fred does something funny.

The idea of people being shipped in.

But we were talking about Chicago Time.

I like the idea that some jokes weren't as funny as others.

Like the director going, we'll put a laugh on that.

And it's not as funny.

I think Dinos should not as funny.

Dinos should get a round of applause every time he comes in.

Everyone knows him, the kids love him, isn't it?

We're making it up, yeah, and Barney getting disappointed'cause his jokes never get disappointed.

Yeah, he's like wise, exactly.

Okay, Carl, here we go.

There's an exciting feature that will I I think will be picked up by Channel Five.

It's gonna be Carl Pilkington Do We Need Him, where Carl goes round checking out animals with uh top experts asking whether we need them in the world.

Yeah.

So, um we s yeah, this is the first one, we won't do it next week, but I'm already sorting out the contact.

We will be looking at octopus because they're a bit weird.

So, that's that's what you've got to look forward to in two you know in 04.

If you have an animal that you feel is unnecessary in the world, then email us and I'm sure Carl will investigate for you.

Well, the other thing as well, whilst we're on to that, I want to sort of have a bit of research with me.

So, when I speak to the like the bloke of the woman about the octopus, right,

I want like

well sort of response from listeners so I can say, Well, 70% of XFM listeners said we should get rid of them.

Sure.

Do you know what I mean?

Like John Snow does on Channel 4 when he does all like politics stuff.

So if you agree with me, just send an email saying yes.

So yes, we should get rid of them.

Yes, yeah.

Yes, get rid of them.

Because you're always,

the house believes always we should get rid of these animals.

You're picking animals you want to get rid of.

So yes is get rid of them.

No is don't get rid of them.

Well and not no, it's Noah because they go on the ark.

The ones we keep go on the the ark.

That element I've completely forgotten about, and I think that's a wise move because I don't think that's working.

I don't think you thought through the whole Noah.

And that's just complicating in the show, I think.

So, yes, yes, we get rid of them.

Noah, they're saved on the ark.

Right, okay, so there we go, there, Jellyfish.

So, we are today we're looking at jellyfish in Pilkington.

Right,

I'm talking to Vicky, who works in an aquarium in Anglesey in that.

Yes, it is, yes.

Right, brilliant.

Today, we want to find out if we really need jellyfish.

I've got a bit of a problem with them anyway,

because I've been stung by one.

And I've done a little bit of research into them, so I'll tell you what I know about them.

Okay.

You know, you might learn some stuff from me.

Oh, you never know.

And if I'm talking nonsense, just tell me.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Right, so first of all, they don't have eyes, do they?

No, they don't.

Right.

So I'm right with that.

No lungs.

No lungs?

They haven't got a heart.

No hearts, heartless.

And they're made up of like 97% water.

Yes, they are.

So they're pretty useless, really.

Well, they have got a nervous system.

They're actually about 650 million years old.

So they've evolved and they've outlived the dinosaurs and they're even older than the sharks.

And they can even outfox us

because NASA scientists have worked with them to try and work out how they operate in weightlessness.

And they still don't know how they do that.

Took them into space actually to figure out

how they did that.

Seems like a bit of a waste of money, but

do you know Port Maddock?

I used to go there a lot for my holidays and there used to be a load of them washed up on the beach.

People on motorbikes used to go over them and stuff.

Yeah.

Well, we get the moon jellyfish, that's the ones with the, they've got pink bits in the middle.

Yeah, they're reproductive parts.

I think that was them.

I think they're the ones that went over on the bike.

You could see pink bits.

What do they do?

If the jellyfish went,

would we have a problem on our hands, do you think?

Okay.

You might have a bit of a knock-on effect because things like turtles eat jellyfish.

Yeah, but do we need turtles?

Well, don't forget that when you take take out one, when you take out something from the marine system, something normally feeds on it.

I mean, they're not just there for the fun of it, something either feeds on it or feeds on what they excrete.

What you're saying is they exist to sort of feed others and also to eat some stuff that's.

Well, yeah, they control the population of other fish and species that might otherwise be a problem.

Okay, well,

let's kind of wrap this up, right?

The question that I'm asking today is: do we need them?

Say if

Noah

had his ark, right,

you've swam and got on the boat, you're alright, you're safe, he's going to keep you to sort of populate the world as well, right?

So it's you and him.

Uh-huh.

He's not a bad-looking fella, so you're happy.

He says to you, Vicky,

do we need them?

Absolutely.

I don't even know why she even gave you that interview.

When you start off with, right, yeah, trying to find out if I need you, but what did you tell her to get her to talk to you?

Just said, I'm doing some research on stuff.

Did she think you were a schoolboy or something?

No, she just said, alright, she said, you know, how long will it go on?

It's not long, just like five minutes, have a quick chat.

And she was, she loved it, didn't she?

She sounded happy to take part in that.

So, I love the fact that you've got an expert and you suggest that she's going to be having sex with Noah.

He's a good info, so you're happy.

She goes, yeah.

I mean, I don't know why you stopped there.

I didn't go into good positions or something.

I can't belie

the problem is, really, I didn't get to the bottom of what I wanted to say because.

Oh, no, you did.

That's it.

That's done now.

That's a pretty good academic work.

That's proved, don't you?

No, but the turtle thing, you know, when she said, oh, if you get rid of them, the turtles, you know, won't have anything to eat.

But when she said that, I mean, I couldn't say it because it would have taken her off and confused her.

But well, she's a scientist, she's easily confused.

Well, say, like, when Suzanne is working, right?

I'm not a very good cook, so I always get like an Indian in.

What?

Because,

right, I'll have an Indian.

Right now, say if for some reason it closed, I get a Chinese.

So why don't the turtle just there's loads of stuff in the sea?

But I didn't want to get too heavy on her.

But

it's pretty deep.

Oh,

that is genius.

But we'll look at.

But so the fact that she said, yes, you need

jellyfish, does that mean that you've changed your...

I mean, what I'm saying is, does her answer go?

Does that say it does, yeah?

It does, does it?

It does, yeah.

Whatever I get the expert to say, I try and get them in a corner.

Right, you try and argue him into a corner.

She wasn't having any of it, so we've got to carry on having them.

So, in the new year, we'll be looking at octopus.

Okay.

Yeah, great.

Good for Christmas.

I think there's a car with his Victoria plum.

I want to see a Victoria plum.

I want to know what it is.

Does it look like a little gnome?

It's a woman gnome.

A female gnome?

Yeah.

A little gnome.

And did your mum collect gnomes?

She likes anything gnomes, she likes fairies, she likes

Indians.

She collects all that stuff.

And it doesn't matter what it is.

What do you mean?

You know, like a proper Indian with all the headgear on.

She likes anything with them on, like, you know, it can be a fridge magnet,

it can be

just anything.

A lot of Native American wisdom is around the fridge magnet because they think it has special powers of adhesion.

Yeah.

Yeah,

that's you read some of their

writings, the great works.

Now,

it reminds me, talking of gnomes, he said to me in the week, he went, oh, did you see that programme on Telly last night about dwarves and fellas without legs nicking cars?

And I went, no.

He went, oh, it's amazing, right?

Because they haven't got legs and that.

They scoot along and they can nip into a car like the Dukes of Hadza.

Explain what, Carl.

No, you see, I didn't see it.

Someone else told me about it.

That's what I said to you.

I said, Did you see it?

Because I missed it.

And it's about these little fellas

who

specialise in car nicking.

And the thing I wanted to know is,'cause this lad who sort of watched it only watched half of it.

Is he like you?

Well, I said I can understand how it's easy to get in, but then how do you get away?

Because you can't reach the pedals.

Yeah.

Can there be two of them?

But presumably you open the car for someone else.

What is it?

What do you mean?

What?

So he's steering and he's like, right, press the brake a bit.

And then there's then there's one that's just legs but without the top half.

I don't understand how this helps them though.

What are they what why are they why does this make it easier for them to see?

Because they can just get through the window really quickly, like in the Dukes of Hazard.

What?

'Cause their legs don't get in the way.

Right.

Do they just run?

And just but what do you mean the wind I mean what so someone's driving along?

I didn't see it.

They leave the window open.

I didn't I didn't see it.

Do they leap in when there's someone still driving the car?

I don't know.

Well there's too many things left unanswered here.

I can't go in.

Someone's seen it and they can email in.

But that sort of.

This panic to you, anyway, I imagine.

I bet you were gutted you missed that programme, aren't you?

Well, I'm interested in stuff like that because I like learning, which gets us on to educating Ricky.

Oh, excellent, slick.

We've got a good year of stuff, teaching and stuff.

Yeah, I've learned a lot.

Can you remember any of that?

Of course, I can.

There was a deaf girl and she hit her head and she could hear.

There was also

some people who ate tomatoes thought their poisoners on lead.

There was also a fella who, a doctor who gave a blood transfusion with some parrots from the pet store.

Because the doctor in America, and it was the olden days when the lines were bad, said give him his parents' blood, and the doctor this side thought said give him some parrots' blood.

So that was true, and that educated me.

That was fact.

What have you got for us?

Well, we've only got two because I've taught you about jellyfish today, that we need them.

So we've only got two, two things to go at.

And I give them a little headline so you remember them to make them snappy.

The two headlines you've got, oh, what a catostrophe.

Okay.

And the second one is, well, you'd think it'd be bughead, wouldn't you?

What?

Well, you'd think it'd be bughead, wouldn't you?

You'd think it beat.

No, you'd think it'd be.

You'd think it'd be bugged, wouldn't you?

Bughead.

Bughead.

Bughead.

This can't be.

If this is anything with a bug living without a head, I'm not interested.

Because we've done it.

All you've done is fast.

Let's just do, oh, what a catastrophe.

Which one?

Which one are we doing?

No, do the bug head one.

Right, well, the bug.

The bug head one.

Well, we've talked a lot about animals and haven't we, without heads.

Surprisingly, we have.

I think a disproportionate amount on it.

If you're a new listener, everybody listeners, you'd be surprised.

We've done all that.

We've covered worms.

The way if you cut their head off, it grows back.

If you don't cut too high above its neck.

We've covered

the fella who blinked.

Yep.

I can't go into it again.

Right?

Yes, I'll go into it again.

We've had the chicken with no head that lived for eight months.

And we've had a lot of fun.

And we've got the cockroaches living for a week without an head.

It's a bit more on the cockroach front, really.

They've found

that if you get a cockroach and you cut its head off,

and then you find a cockroach that's still got its head, but it hasn't got any legs.

Right.

Right?

It's not over for both of them.

Right?

Because what you can do, you get the one that's got the legs

with no head, sort of running around, get the one with the head, sit it on top of it,

get a little tube

so that the fluids.

So is this Aunt Isgo out of the room?

This is like Blue Peter.

You can get this for Christmas.

Right, you get a little tube, you sit that on top so the bodily fluids are still running between the two.

Right.

The head of the one on the top will control the feet of the one on the bottom.

Okay.

What about that?

Good.

And will it continue to live?

Yeah.

Okay, you don't know that for sure, do you?

That was just a question out of the brewery wasn't expecting.

What do you think of that?

Good, yeah, it's great.

Yeah, just a primitive nervous system that can.

Yeah.

yeah.

Did you expect us to be more impressed and excited by that?

Did you fall off your chair when you read that?

You literally topple off.

Did you think you were going to be the Frankenstein of the insect world?

Yeah, no, I just was thinking if they can do that, you know,

can they do

humans?

Because I also did a bit of research.

Did you come to the

sort of conclusion that apart from the moral aspect of it, that the human was probably more complicated than

yeah, but do you know what I mean?

Things things move on, don't they?

Modern science, Rick.

You know, I had I had Benatone as a kid, now they've got PlayStation 2 and the difference in 10 years.

They have found that if you lose your head, the cockroach can live normally on your body, but not the other way around.

Your head on its cannot control its legs because it's too complicated for your brain.

So, yeah.

So, then other research, because I thought if you don't learn from that, I'll give you something else for free, right?

That they can clone people.

The only reason they don't do it, right?

Say if Ricky needed

a lung, right, they could clone you and make you the same, but the only reason they don't want to do it is because it'd be a bit horrible, wouldn't it?

And it would take sort of 18 years for me to get an adult lung.

And there's all kinds of moral implications.

Yeah.

What do you mean, yeah?

You hadn't thought of that.

So, sorry, so because

lest we forget Rick, he ended with the only reason they don't do it is because it's a bit horrible and that

which scientist said that?

That's not it.

That's not the other one.

That's it.

No, no, no, no, no, that was that was just, you know.

We've got another one to come.

Oh, I was just going to say that.

Did we just skip the headline again?

What's the headline?

The headline, Oh, what a cat toastrophey.

Looking forward to it.

Mark.

Yeah, a bit more catalog.

It's from his um covers album, which is called Snowbird.

He's so happy that the XMM listeners understand his stupid clues and he knows it annoys me.

We've got to write

out the answers just quickly, just in case someone sort of missed one of them.

I'll just quickly do on you.

Yeah, go on.

First one, there's a load of letters.

There's a load of letters there asking for advice, put them on Claire's desk.

Oh, a Merry Christmas.

Ask your mum if you should.

Oh, a Merry Christmas.

A couple of people were arguing in the supermarket

counter, and that's B.

Okay, we'll give those answers out shortly.

I just have to show you something, Rick, before we move on.

I know we've got another educating Ricky, but someone just sent this in.

They've been looking on eBay for Victoria Plum.

You're joking.

Come here and see the photograph.

Oh, God, that's fantastic.

Oh well, yeah.

Cover that.

That's it.

Oh, God, he's got that for his mother.

It's the worst piece of cat I've ever seen.

Carl!

Oh, Carl.

Imagine how gut oh.

Gutted.

Imagine how look think of him now, right?

There it is.

That's That's the worst thing I've ever seen.

I tell you, it looks like a diddy man gone wrong.

It looks like a diddy man prostitute.

That is.

Is that the one colour?

Well, it was a different colour.

I had a yellow at mine.

How can they get telling them that?

Okay, so going to eBay.

So you need to log on to ebay.co.uk.

I'm sure you've used it before.

It's the online marketplace, e-b-a-y.co.uk.

And if you type in Victoria Plum, I'm assuming that you can trap his dad.

That's amazing.

That's the worst piece of the picture.

Just think how cute he was as a kid, though, doing that.

Just think of him just going,

just seeing that and thinking, oh, I like that gnomes.

She likes gnomes.

It's the worst thing I've ever seen.

I mean, to be fair, I mean, I don't know what her prize collection of gnomes looks like, but I can't imagine they're much better than that.

I mean, gnomes are a fairly grotesque thing.

But certainly, your mum's takes on discretion is.

Did you ever, those houses on your estate, you'd go in there, and it was just loads of those dolls still in their packaging all around the room.

room.

And sort of like one of those homes that ought to keep the sort of packaging on the three-piece suite.

Why don't you buy another one for her for Christmas?

Yeah.

It's £3.99, it looks like

that's £2.49 because that was £2.99.

Well,

oh, buy it, Carl.

So I've got her I've sorted out her passport this year anyway.

I'll get her that next year.

Nice.

Okay.

So, last educating Ricky,

what a cat toes.

Yeah, let's do that then.

There's this woman, right?

Yeah.

This woman, she's reading Guinness Book of Records

and

she's flicking through and she notices that there's a world record for a cat

with 27 toes.

So she reads it and she thinks, well, that's not right, because her cat's got 28.

What do you mean her cat's got 28?

Her cat's got 28 toes.

So she was like, well, hang on a minute.

Mine should be in there.

So this is.

Do I miss the very beginning of this?

She was.

She did it through the Goosebug record.

She's the record.

Yeah,

the woman with the cat with 28 toes, looking to, and it said the record for the cat's toes was 27.

She's like, hold on.

Hold on a minute, Ross.

McGuire.

My cat's got one more than that cat, so go on.

Anyway, so she said, you know, the person doing the interview with her said, you know, is it happy?

And she said, yeah, yeah, you know, it's great.

And it's really good in the snow.

Right.

It gets through a lot of nail virus.

Well, you know, that's what it said, right?

It said, it's really good in the snow.

So I just was thinking, I mean, that's it, really.

That's not it.

That's the end of that story.

But what I'm thinking is, right.

There were two cats welded together.

No, she said,

you know, it's happy.

So is the other sort of disabilities where,

in a way, it's not all bad.

Oh, crap.

No, do you know, like, that book Steve brought in for me?

And there was a fellow there, wasn't he, who had three legs who was a juggler.

And I was like, what's the point of that?

What do you mean, what's the point of that?

What's the point of that?

He's not taking advantage of having three legs, is he, being a juggler?

He said he should be a footballer.

Right?

So

no, but in a way, he's used it, hasn't he?

He's probably not even that good at juggling.

But because he's got three legs, people have gone way all given a chance.

Let's go and see him anyway, see if he's any good.

Yeah.

Right.

So what I'm thinking is, is he anything else?

We've mentioned

the the midgets today who are good at robbing cars because they can get through the windows like Juke Savannah.

Sorry, so listen, listen.

Look, I'd just like to say, if you're the radio authority listening, we are in no way suggesting that one

midgets forte in life is robbing cars, or that if you're a midget sitting at home feeling sorry, something you should go out robbing cars.

I'd just like to say, this is Carl Pilkerton talking.

The views of Carl Pilkerton,

but it was a T V programme, so it's not me, I'm just saying what I've seen on TV that you didn't see

that somebody told me about.

Yeah, just so you could be wrong, just like a lot of your spurious fancy to see on the internet.

You know, I'm just saying.

Yeah, so is he anything else?

We've seen the fellow with the three bags.

So what you're saying is, is there a disability that is actually an advantage?

Yeah.

Right,

Steve mentioned about the disabled Lou.

They're always really roomy and like got multi-gym s facilities in them.

Multi-gym facilities?

Multi-gym facilities?

What do you mean, Carl?

There's always bars everywhere and that, innit?

That's not parallel bars.

Multiple gymnastics.

Yeah, I'm just saying, though.

Do you know what I mean?

So in a way, they've got that.

So always, what I'm saying is, when you look on the brighter side, that Elephant Man would have never got up and gone, oh, look at my hair today.

Nor do you.

No, but.

Do you know what I

You're a maniac.

Forget it.

I thought we'd

get a serious discussion going here.

Well, okay then.

So this is a serious discussion, is it?

Yeah.

Okay, well let's treat it sensitively then.

If you really want a serious discussion and talk about whether there are some disabilities that aren't advantage,

let's think of some then, shall we?

Well I've I've said three already.

Yeah, you can't say um uh

if you're deaf, um Bobby Davera won't annoy you.

That doesn't count as an advantage.

Do you understand?

Do you know what I mean?

Carl's looking at you thinking, that's brilliant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we'll leave it then.

I'll come up with a better feature for next year.

We'll bend that.

We'll bend that.

So, you've got any disabilities?

We'll bend that.

Like, that was going to be a feature.

But you were hoping that that would be a spin-off feature.

Disabilities are actually.

It's another form of do we need them?

But Carl, think of it.

It's like that joke.

A bloke that as he wakes up in the hospital, he says, good news and bad news.

Bad news is we've had to apply to take both legs.

What's the good news?

The fellow in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

See, that's not an advantage.

It's a joke.

That doesn't really happen.

People don't go, oh, that is good news.

Yeah, I'll probably get a quid from.

Do you know what I mean?

But the fellow with three feet, what would he do?

Well, he'd buy a pair and then just nick one of those because they put out one shoe, don't they?

Yeah, if you've got one leg, you can nick shoes.

Good point, Carl.

Now I'm getting you thinking.

Yeah.

Right, so we'll do Rockbusters Answers next then.

Happy Christmas.

War's over and all that.

Indeed.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

Brilliant tune.

Great tune.

I've had a great time.

I've had a great time.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

I hope we haven't offended you by some of Carl's rantings.

Just think of what he's gone through in his life.

That Victoria Plum incident.

Carl, I've got a little gift for you here before we go.

Okay.

I haven't got you anything.

Well, no, you haven't got your girlfriend anything.

I'll expect it back.

It's not exciting, but it's worth taking.

In fact, why don't you just re-gift that straight away?

It's all right, cheers for that.

It doesn't even look at it.

Champagne, champagne, champagne.

That's not the champagne we got free from the BBC, is it?

It's not actually, no, Rick, because

that is far too good for the likes of Carl.

Oh, right.

And I wasn't going to give it to you.

You wouldn't appreciate it.

That's just sparkling wine.

Oh, but I love that.

Yeah, you won't.

He doesn't know.

I'm seeing Carl on Christmas Day because he's around Christmas Day in London, so I'll get a little gift then, Carl.

Right.

That'd be good, wouldn't it?

It'd be a nice little.

Okay, answers.

We must give the answer.

You would have to go to bed at six, though, so we can play.

Right, here's the last clues of the year.

You had uh, there's a load of letters there asking for advice.

Put them on Claire's desk.

Go on, F.

That was for foreigner.

For Rainer.

I don't know what you mean.

Claire Rainer.

She took advice, she gave people advice.

So that's foreigner.

That is shit.

Right.

I'm sorry.

Many Christmas, that is absolute dark.

A lot of people got the right answer.

I know.

Well, that annoys me even more.

The second one, ask your mum.

Foreigner.

Foreigner.

Second one, ask your mum if you should.

That was S.

That was Shalamar.

Shalomar.

Shalama.

Right?

No, bizarrely, what was the clue there?

Ask your mum if you should.

No, we got a lot of people saying smashing pumpkins as the answer to that.

I don't know who's saying that today, mum.

Smashing pumpkins.

Merry Christmas, mum.

Smashing pumpkins.

Thank you very much.

Nice wallets.

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

Smashing plum kids.

Your dad bought them for me for Christmas.

And the last one.

Lovely plums.

What one Victoria is?

Oh, God.

We've got to wrap it up.

We've got to wrap it up.

Come on, then.

A couple of people were arguing in the supermarket at the fruit and veg car.

That was B, that was banana drama.

They were like, having an article.

What is banana drama?

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What group is banana drama?

What group is banana drama?

You're a fool.

You're a twat.

When you say that, you accuse her.

You accuse Carl of that.

You're also accusing lots of the listeners, including the winner, Nicola Rogers of London.

And she wins those great prizes, and she got them back on.

Banana drama, man.

So, can we finish there now?

Yeah.

What do you mean, can we finish there now?

Let's just play the ads and go.

What?

No, what are you talking about?

We're going to play Johnny Rogers.

Can we play that now?

Goodness, we can't.

Look at you.

We haven't got time.

Merry Christmas, Carl.

Merry Christmas, Carl.

Let's give him a little kiss.

Oh, a little kiss.

Oh,

It's the best of.

You've been voting in all week, sending your emails.

So here's the clips that you wanted.

Carl Pilson in the chair now.

The

talked about the acclaimed

educating Ricky.

Right, well, just in case anyone's new, doesn't normally listen, um basically I'm educating Ricky.

Uh do a bit of research in a week, find stuff, news, history, anything that's interesting, um three stories, I give them a nice little headline, you take your pick.

Between now and three you're gonna learn three things.

Yeah?

So um the headlines are

um I'll be no buying one of them.

I'll be no buying one of them.

Nice.

Okay.

We've also got hippopotamus.

Okay.

Okay.

And chicken you believe it.

Can you believe it?

Well, I'll give you hippopotamia news.

Hippopotamus.

Right, well, this one, it's

I'm not going to take the credit here.

I heard Christian talking about this on breakfast, right?

Because it's a good, good, uh, good story that happened.

Basically, I don't know if I told you about it last week when we were having our spaghetti, but um

no I think you did.

I know what it is, I know what it is.

I've not heard this, right?

There's a little midget

already circus going on somewhere, I think it was in America.

And um, is that present day or old times?

I'm talking like in the last three weeks, okay, right.

Uh, little midget uh circus, really capped out show, people are loving it.

Um,

Steve, you're asked the same question I did, I know.

So, um, so there's little little mids that are jumping up and down on a trampoline.

I thought it's so positive.

So,

everyone's clapping and he's getting carried away

because he can't believe it's that, he can't believe they're loving it.

I didn't know they'd like a little person on a trampoline, but they love me.

But you know what it's like when there's a crowd of people sort of encouraging you to sort of go higher and stuff.

Yeah, and I'm sure he knew it was getting out of hand.

But he was jumping and he was coming down the road going higher, and he's going really high in the air, right?

So he's doing this.

Crowd are clapping.

There's a hippo, right?

Just sat next to the trampoline, getting ready to come on and do his app.

Oh, right.

I thought he was in the audience.

Getting ready to do his app, Steve.

So

that was a trillion question.

What do you mean he's sitting by the trampoline waiting to do his app?

Why does he sit in the dressing room and they go, five minutes,

Mr.

Muss.

Five minutes, Mr.

Muss.

So, anyway, right.

So, the hippo is there.

I get noisy because this because the midget is

going to follow this.

This is really annoying.

They're going to be, oh no.

So, he's thinking, he's already done the trampoline.

My poco sticker, he's never going to work.

Yeah, go on.

So, there's it.

If they're waiting,

this see it's a quiet story, and I just know he embellishes it, or he gets slightly wrong.

Go on.

So, there's a midget jumping up and down.

The hippo's getting annoyed.

The crowd are going mad.

The midget's loving it.

Can't believe he's luck.

Although we think, you think he probably knows he's dicing with danger.

So, next thing you know, they're all saying hi, higher.

It gives it one big, like, heavy sort of landing on the trampoline, goes really high, but goes off at a funny angle.

Oh, hypotenuse.

Okay, yeah.

And sort of flies out.

Sure.

Flies off at a funny angle, who hippos there, swallows him whole.

Crowd are clapping, thinking that's why the hippo was waiting there.

Rubbish.

Rubbish.

It's not rubbish, though.

No, maybe there was an accident in

a circus with a midget and a hippo,

but at no point was this hippo waiting to go on going, come on.

The midget flew off at a hypotenuse and landed in the hippo's mouth and was swallowed whole.

This is what you embedded.

That is great.

I have to say, though, Rick, when I heard midget trampoline hippopotamus, I was thinking actually the waiting to happen.

Yeah.

So,

maybe.

You should never put those three together.

Never.

It's a recipe for disaster.

Everyone knows that.

Midget trampoline hippopotamus.

Are you mental?

I'm asking for trouble.

Well,

you know, when he told me it, he said, and the midget, he didn't mention the hippopotamus.

And he said, the midget went on, and soon he fell off, and the hippo ate him.

And I said, Sorry, what was the hippo doing there?

He went, it's a circus.

I've never heard of a circus having a hippopotamus.

What do hippos do?

What can they do?

You can't drain them.

And you're asking,

aren't they like very deadly?

They're huge, aren't they?

You can't have a hippo in a circus.

You're not thinking of Zippo.

He's neither claimed.

Yeah.

No, no, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't some sort of where Zippo was eating a midget and it's it's some sort of horrible sexual act.

No, it's definitely I heard it on breakfast, right?

Oh, okay, sorry.

No, it's definitely funny.

Yeah, okay,

okay, good.

Uh well let's play a record then.

I'm Ricky Jermaine's uh with me Stephen Mercher.

Uh it's the best of you've been voting in all week, sending your emails.

So here's the clips that you want here.

We me and Carl went out, right?

Um and uh with um me and Jane, Carl, Johnny, and Gigi, wasn't it?

Gigi wasn't it?

Is it important?

No.

Okay.

But we were walking on the street.

Carl was there though, and you you can back me up on this.

We had a curry, we were walking back, and this little funny homeish fellow, didn't he?

Oh, I've got to tell you before I go, didn't he?

Yes.

He came up to me, right?

And he recognised me.

And he came up to me and he went, Oh, he said, I've just nicked five of your DVDs from HMB.

And he shook my hand.

He was so happy with it.

And I went, right, excellent.

He went, all I do is I just swing the bag over the top like that when I'm going out.

And he had a bag full of DVDs, didn't he?

And he was so pleased to tell me that he'd stolen.

Isn't that great?

He said they're going like op cakes.

He said,

how good they are.

I know.

We get paid for them, though, don't we?

So we, not the stolen ones, don't we?

No.

What do you mean?

Did you sign them for him?

I did he will, you idiot.

So, um, he just nicked five.

Yeah.

He said he was homeless, was he?

Well, I, I, he don't know, maybe.

No, surely, how would he have seen the show?

He just walked past Curry's one.

Yeah,

he's been a trainer for it.

Interesting.

I don't know if he was homeless.

I did I didn't go into his home life.

He shook his hand, though, and

he made Carl look smart.

Do you know what I mean?

So, uh

how does he s sell them?

Where does he sell them?

Does he go to people and go, do you want an office D V D?

They're not nicked.

Yeah, four quid, yeah, exactly.

Are they stolen?

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They've still got the tags on them.

Well, it's like those people who, um, you're those cab drivers that you'll meet at three in the morning who've just got a car.

Yeah.

Just went out with a car.

Yeah.

And

I'll pick people up and charge them.

I got in one once.

I said to him, the guy just pulled up.

I said, he said, I was in East London.

I'm going back to North London.

I said, yeah, going to Swiss Cottage.

He went, sure, hop in.

We set off.

He went, do you know the way?

I said, well, I'm not really know.

I thought you'd know the way you're in a cab yard.

He went, no, I don't really know the way there.

I said, have you got an A to Z?

He went, no.

I thought, Well, if you're going to go out just on the, you know, just winging it as a cab driver, two things: take a map and a torch.

He didn't have either.

He said, Well, I'll probably get to Camden.

I said, Right, I'll direct you from there.

Drove on for about five minutes, making conversation.

About five minutes later, he went, Do you know the way to Camden?

I thought you knew the way to Camden.

I don't really know the way.

I thought

it was loose.

Let me out.

You know, awkward.

Exactly.

And that's it.

I don't know who's got that sort of time on their hands that they just think it's three in the morning.

I'm at a loose end.

I think I'll go out doing a bit of cabbing.

Well, yeah.

Because your dad was a cabbie, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was, yeah.

Couldn't stand it, but it's good money.

He was the professor.

He wasn't like a councillor, though.

What was he doing when he put that little forest gum in a weedy bin?

That was part of the cab company thing.

They had to do like a charity event once a year, and he did it one year.

Never asked him again.

Tells the story again.

I'd rather not.

Because we got a few sort of

complaints about it.

Why?

Why do you get complaints about it?

Because

you put a kid in a bin and it's not the thing to do.

But we could use it as a sort of sobering lesson for people.

Yeah,

tell it like

you shouldn't do it.

Yeah, but that's how I did it last time, but people still didn't like it.

All the stuff I tell you,

we don't take the nick out of people on purpose.

It's real life, isn't it?

And that goes on in life.

I was saying that in hospital, though, you know, I was in hospital.

Yeah.

You know, he did some jokes about old people and that.

And he said, at the end of the day, if something makes you laugh, it's funny.

Do you know what I mean?

So,

what you meant to do.

And laughing's good for you.

Yeah.

So.

But being laughed at isn't as good for you, is it?

No, but there's probably more people laughing at one person.

So if you balance it out, there's only one person who's upset, and there's a bunch of people laughing.

So it's.

Give me an example of that.

Give me an example of that.

For instance, Carl Pilkington as he talks and the people listening.

Yeah, yeah, no, give me the example of like, so

you know.

Well, I can't because, again, that's what I'm saying.

I can't tell you the story because

there might be someone out there who

this person might even be listening and think, I forgot about that and you've brought it all back to me.

So I prefer to leave it, but I think people know.

Why did he put him in the bed in the first place?

Because he was getting out of hand.

What was he doing, though?

You see, I can't explain whether he can, that'd be silly.

I prefer to

leave it, honestly.

What was he doing?

Was he annoying him?

He was annoying my dad and the other people in the cab.

Right.

And he thought, how can I deal with this before it gets too out of hand?

Yeah.

He pulled over and put the lad in a wheelie bin.

I'm going to bear.

So we'll leave that.

XFN 104.9.

Ricky and I are on holiday.

Obviously it's Christmas time, but Carl is here in the studio.

He's pressing buttons.

Alright, Carl?

Alright.

What do you make of the first genetically modified baby?

Oh.

Are you worried about this?

Do you know what did they do?

Let me see what it says here.

Well, isn't it just

choosing the

eye kind of thing?

Well,

this is the concern, isn't it?

That in the future you'll be able to decide whether it's a boy or a girl, how intelligent it is, what it looks like, is it handsome, is it ugly?

Obviously, no one will choose an ugly baby, and so on and so on and so on.

And so it means that, you know, where will it lead?

Where will it end, Carl?

Are you concerned?

I've thought about this a lot, Carl.

What will us three look like in the future if they're being genetically modified beautiful people what will be we be like how will we be considered in society

but we've talked about this before haven't we about the cloning thing yeah that's a bit weird but um

I don't think it matters because at the end of the day right you might look like some other kid but it's the way you've brought that you're brought up that will change your features and the way you are you know your personality if you lie you get a long nose don't you well no but listen right because I remember when we you know I was growing up on this estate this is going to be good

no no it's not it's just an example of how this doesn't work.

So we don't need to worry, sort of thing.

Sure.

Okay.

So I'm growing up on this estate, and there was this woman about four houses down, right?

Who's a bit rough?

Right?

Didn't fancy her.

Oh, God, no.

Right?

But she had a baby.

Well, tell me about her first.

I'm interested in this woman.

What was she?

It was a very

man in a house.

I mean, I didn't grow up in a posh house or anything.

I'm not saying that if you live in a bit of a rough house, you're a bad person.

What does she look like?

But anyone can

clean up.

You're like Tony Green with a fag on.

They didn't clean up much, right?

Oh.

Which, even if you've not got a lot of money, you can still try and make a place look nice.

Yeah.

Right?

But she didn't.

And a kid used to take a horse into the house.

Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, Neddy.

Whoa, Neddy.

What do you mean a kid used to take a horse into the house?

Where did he get a horse?

Must have nicked it from somewhere.

Must have nice.

You've seen a horse in it.

What is that from outside the saloon round the corner?

Was it just tied up with the villain?

That?

Oh, that's great.

I don't know.

Big Jake.

I don't know.

So, let me get this up.

This was before the lynching stopped or happened.

Where did he get a horse from?

What do you mean he must have nipped it?

He's going to say, Where'd you get that from?

I bought it.

All right, then.

Keep it out of the kitchen.

I don't want you going cutling, Russell.

Where did he get a horse from, Carl?

And how long did he have it for?

Was he leading it or riding it?

Mum, open the door.

Open the patio door as well.

He looks like we got us a runaway.

What do you mean?

I don't know, but the thing is, they couldn't afford to buy one because they're not cheap.

So I'm just guessing.

Maybe that's wrong of me.

But I think...

He had a horse?

Yeah, right.

That's why the family didn't have any money.

They'd spend it on the horse.

Exactly.

That's what I'm saying.

I don't think they would have bought it.

So anyway.

I used to whisper, Carl, in case they're listening.

Yeah, and they could be in the room next door.

It's keeping it as well.

Oh.

So I was like in the car with my dad, coming into the avenue, and you used to have to drive down it to turn round and,

you know, sort of go back to our house.

You had the traditional method of transport.

Yeah.

And

the horse was in the lounge.

Reading a paper.

Just like walking around.

Oh, God.

What?

And when I was doing it, I've I tried to earn myself some money once by flogging little flowers in plastic cups.

What?

This is genius.

It just keeps coming.

What do you mean you're trying to flog little flowers?

What do you mean?

Let's play a record.

Let's play a record and come back to this.

It's not just unravel and unravel.

It's all flowers.

It's deeper and deeper.

It's like an onion, isn't it?

We've created a whole world here where there's a man living with a horse.

Just walking around the land.

I've no job from the West Country.

I've never heard anything like that.

I just think of a big, sort of, like, orange carpet and

a re-diffusion telly, and this horse going, I'm fed up in there.

Exactly.

This is real.

I am not taking the rubbish out again.

Yeah.

Right, play a record.

Let's have Velvet Underground.

We've got that line down.

Here, the classic from the first album, I'm Waiting for the Man.

Let's come back to the horse and it's little flowers in pots.

What do you mean?

Velvet Underground and Nico, which apparently peaked at a disappointing 171 in the US charts.

Look at that.

And that's obviously Louis developed underground and waiting for the man.

Yeah, great track.

So we were talking, we were doing White Van Man, and we got onto

genetically modified babies, but somehow Paul started telling a story about someone with a horse, and then he got onto he was trying to make money selling flowers.

Just do the flowers.

Well, hang on, I just want to recap slightly.

So, there was a family, and who had the horse in the family?

It was because you lives on an estate in Manchester.

So, the mother, the mother was a right pig, apparently.

I don't know if that's right.

I don't need to go that far.

But what I'm trying to do is like make a picture for you so you understand what's going on.

So, what a picture of it.

Who did she look like?

Um,

bit of a, and no disrespect to her, bit like Pauline quirky quirky, yeah

I knew you were gonna say that I knew it was gonna be Pauline.

Does he have any tats?

Does he have any tats?

I never got that close to it.

Okay, alright.

So and so who had the horse?

Was this her son or her daughter?

No, it was her daughter.

Her daughter had stolen a horse?

Yeah, from I don't know where.

There was a I think there was some stables down the road or something.

And they they kept the horse in the house with them.

They kept it in the house.

They didn't have it for long.

No.

So and you said you were in the house one day and you saw the one.

No, what happened was I was um

they did this thing at school about raising money for charity, right?

For some local charity, and they said you can do anything to raise money, and they came out with all these ideas.

I thought, that's good.

But was the charity?

But forget the well, I don't know, I thought, forget the charity.

Yeah, that's just a charity making overweight.

So you're a charity.

So

I asked my ma'am for some, she used to have a lot of flowers around the house.

I said, Can I just take some snippings off them?

And I'll go and buy some plastic cups and got some soil out of the garden, planted the bits of plants in them.

Yeah.

Got a tray, had about 25 plants on it, selling them for 25 pence each.

Excellent.

Selly?

Yeah, so loads.

Did you just cut?

You didn't just cut them and stick them in your cars?

Yeah, I wouldn't have survived.

But I think people sort of thought, well, good on him for trying.

But anyway, so I went round to theirs because I thought their house could do with a bit of colour and stuff.

Yeah.

So it's a bit rough.

So as I went.

The horse went, thank God for breakfast.

They've been feeding me kitty cat.

So I got up to the door and they opened the door, and it was one of them houses where no carpet.

Yeah, no horse in the living room.

They've all been there.

And the horse was walking around the living room.

I looked quite happy and everything because

I always say that about Adam.

Like BW was on.

But think about it, right?

If you were a horse, where would you rather be?

In a little wooden hut with a load of hay, or in like a house with a

three-piece suite, and an Italian that.

Tell me that.

No, but I was saying this the other day.

And an Atari.

Right?

I was walking through London with a lot of people.

Oh, when I was 64, rubbish.

Exactly.

Walking through London with Suzanne.

Right.

And you know, like homeless people always have dogs.

And she said, oh, I hope I hope she looks after it.

And I said, they've got.

That dog is happier than most dogs.

Right.

Because people always walk past and give it a pat on the head.

Yeah.

It's with its owner all the time.

Yeah.

It's out in the open.

It's not locked up in a house.

Yeah, it doesn't eat.

But other than that.

No, it does eat.

Oh, they're always all right.

So that's what I was saying.

I think this horse was doing all right for himself.

Well, not many horses have got got their own house

for a start, yeah.

But anyway, that's that's what I'm doing.

That's by the by.

Yeah, so anyway, this family is a bit what we were talking about, it was about closing.

Politically modified kids,

all that stuff, yeah.

Right now, what I'm saying is, you could say, you know, right, Steve, you could have a baby, right?

And Ricky could see it and say, God, I want one that looks like that.

Yeah.

Right?

It could happen, Rick.

Come on, work with him.

So you take it to your doctors, and I don't know what they do, they inject it with something or whatever.

Yep, that's how it's done.

And get a little baby, and there it is, it looks the same.

Now, the thing is, you separate, you both go off and do your own things.

Now,

you look at Stephen, this is.

You look after your baby.

Yeah.

You treat it well, you give it good food and

all the vitamins and stuff.

Ricky just gives it cheese.

Right?

So then it changes its looks.

It goes a bit fat.

You know, it gets tired easily and that sort of thing.

Now, when this family...

Why am I just feeding a baby cheese?

Right, this, this, um, this, this, this family who had a horse

in their house, yeah, they had a little baby, and my man went round and said, You're not going to believe this, but it's a beautiful-looking baby, right?

Yeah, and I was like, Well, you know,

and uh, the weird thing is, it was a good-looking kid, but as time went on, they didn't really look after it, and I'm not saying like abusing it, but it used to run around, it used to play out till like 10 at night, yeah, uh, it used to chase cars, right?

It was a bit

Did it have hoods?

Yeah, no.

Chase cars.

What's our pig chases cars?

Oh, God.

Was it called Rover?

The weird thing.

Liam, it was called, right?

Now, the weird thing is, it was a good-looking kid, but as time went on and all that, like, not eating properly, and its hair was all patchy.

It's not Liam Gallagher, is it?

And chasing cars on that, and it became an ugly kid.

It's definitely Liam Gallagher.

And that's what I'm saying, right?

You can clone all you like, but at the end of the day, it's what you brought up.

Wow,

wow, that was a hell of a point.

Oh, God.

But am I right?

Oh, you're always right, Carl.

My name is Gervaise with me, Steve, and Carl.

Carl, why have you got a headache?

You've got a headache?

Just a bit stressful'cause the moves moves on this uh

this week.

Oh, you're living edge?

Oh, by the way, the XFM listeners came round to my house and bought the food on and table.

Did they?

Were they happy with it?

Quite normal.

They were well happy.

Couldn't believe the look with it.

Would it be quite normal?

Was it been quite normal?

Well, I was a bit scared, innit,

getting people round.

I imagine they were scared.

And were they excited to see you?

I mean, you know, could you tell that they were pleased to see you?

No, I don't think so.

I mean,

you're Carl Pilkington.

Yeah, but

the fellas sort of, I mean, they brought the whole family round, which was a bit odd.

But it's not often they get the chance to visit a living creek.

Anyway.

Anyway, no, they were nice.

You're moving now.

He said, he phoned me up today.

You know, it was absolutely tipping it down.

He had to cycle in.

Because he said, because of the move, he doesn't want to leave his bike around there.

And he said.

He said,

and Suzanne.

Oh, I can't say this in case he's listening, can I?

He won't know, will he?

He said, Suzanne's hired the oldest removal man in London.

You should hear him.

And the thing is, right?

We booked him.

We booked him because everyone else happened to be booked out, but this fella's free.

Right?

So he called up this morning.

I've never spoken to him, but he was on the phone.

He sounded about 90.

Yeah.

Can't think that he's going to have to do all the work.

And the thing is.

Well, it it seems all you want is some were the originals.

Right, Listen.

It seemed to be cheap because it's £50 an hour.

How long is it going to take him?

Yeah.

When's the move on then?

He came round today to bring some empty boxes and he was struggling with them.

So

it actually happens on Wednesday.

Oh, God.

Anyway.

I woke up this morning, yeah, feeling fine.

It's not a blues song.

And I turned my phone on, and it was from Carl, and it went, forget it, I've made my mind up.

And I thought, wow, what is that?

And I thought, forget it, I've made my mind up.

And I went, Carl, what is it?

He went, oh, no, it's like the text I sent you last night.

I went, well, what was it?

I just got this text.

He went,

oh, I was just wondering.

I was thinking last night.

He says, supposing you have to have your hands removed.

Sure.

Right?

And the doctor said, well,

you can either have them stay like that with stumps, or I can sew feet there.

What would you have?

And I was bleary-eyed, and I went, the stumps.

He went, yeah.

I went, all right?

He went, yeah.

And then what was his follow-up text to that?

And then I got the text.

It was obviously before it, and it went, and it was like quite serious.

What would you do?

So, he's not doing your hands, would you have stumps or the feet?

Right now, the way when I said he's made his mind up, when I went to stumps, he went, Yeah,

I think secretly he decided on the feet, but he was too embarrassed to tell me.

There's a little

bit of what would you do because it's it but why did you think of this?

Why did you think of this?

Good friends,

right?

Yeah, no, that's not why you started thinking bizarre surgery devices.

I'll let you into my little mind, right?

Last night, I um I had some beans on toast, right?

She was away.

It's good already.

She was away, she had some beans on toast.

She went wild.

Right?

Now, I was stood up.

I live on a high street, right?

So I'm washing up.

I'm looking out the window.

First thing that had me attention is I can look into other people's flats, right?

And it was weird how all these different lives were going on.

I was watching them.

And everybody...

had the telly on and was watching volcano right which was on last night right and i thought oh that's weird right i can feel them all watching it.

And it was like a little Chinese lad who was dancing around in some underpants.

And then there's a little old woman who lives downstairs who was reading a book.

And she's always reading a book every night.

And it's like, I have a better life than her.

And then there's like some sort of bouncer who's always getting ready to go out late at night with all the black on.

He looks like a bouncer.

So I was watching all this life going on.

I thought.

Did you witness the murder while you were doing this?

Yeah.

It was like that sort of sliver film where that bloke had loads of tellies watching his life.

So that was going on in my mind.

And then I was washing up and I picked up the plate and I thought, it's amazing, isn't it?

The human body.

The way you can just sort of, you know, I want to pick that up and you do.

Yes.

And the way your hands work.

You've got five little digits, but it's just the right amount to do what you've got

to do what you've got to do, right?

So

I'm cleaning the plate.

Sorry, Carl, stop.

It's just the right amount.

Might be one of the most genius things I've ever heard said.

I would love David Attenborough to phone you up and say, Carl, how do I word this about the evolution of the mammalian front limb?

Just go, I'll just say it's the right amount.

But it is.

It is.

One quarter would get in the way.

Yeah.

And one less would just make it a little bit more tricky when picking up a bit of a slippery dish.

Sure, or buying gloves.

A slippery dish.

So then I was thinking,

imagine like going to the doctors and he's saying, yeah, everything's alright, your art's good and everything.

Your art's good, what your Larry's, or

you're in good form and whatever.

Yeah, it's good news.

You know, I had Gianno in earlier, he's not looking good.

But you're alright, but your hands need to come off.

Right.

That's bad.

I get a second opinion,

but I bet a good news: I've got a nice pair of feet I can sort you out with.

And he puts them on, and then I was thinking, right, first of all, washing up, what would that be like?

thought, Steve,

that'd be tricky.

And then the second thing was

it'd probably ruin sort of the shape of your jumper.

Because you have to keep putting the feet through there.

And then I thought, but I could still cycle in

to work.

You could run in.

Well, that's the thing.

You'd be really fast.

Well, that's what I was thinking.

I thought, I could still cycle because I could balance.

And then I thought, but the only thing is I probably couldn't pull the brakes

because of the little short things.

And then, like you, I thought, but then again, you're running in after time.

So, that's what was going on last night.

Right.

That's what I was thinking about.

How long did this take?

Well, how long has it took to wash up?

Right, because I imagine you've just been there for like all night,

probably 25 minutes.

How long did the little Chinese fella dance for in his pants?

He's always doing it.

Last night, he was at it for like 10 minutes.

Yeah.

And his girlfriend never sits in the same room as him.

She's always sat in the bedroom.

She's going,

you dance in pants again, I'll go in next door.

Well, she was in the bedroom.

She's always in the bedroom, sat on the floor on the mobile phone.

Right.

All the time.

Yeah, it's weird how people's lives are just like, it is like that Groundhog Day thing.

It's like, you know, he's jumping about in his underpants.

The old woman sat there reading a book.

Yeah.

And that's what got me thinking about my life.

Are you sure she's not dead?

Every time you look down there, she's just looking to it.

She's just reading this book.

The pages never turn.

She never seems to finish it.

She never moves from her chair.

Are you sure the Chinese

door again?

That little round-headed fellow's looking in.

He's looking in at me.

The bouncer goes, Don't worry, love, I'll go and beat him up.

And he's always getting ready.

That's true, that's true.

They see you staring at him, washing up, going, I could have feet here.

And they get scared.

The old woman's dead.

Carl, can you tell us roughly which neighbourhood you live in?

So that we know.

It's central.

Central, is it?

Yeah.

Wow, imagine if that little...

Was he a Chinese fellow, did you say?

Yeah.

Imagine if he was listening now, I'd love him to call in and explain these actions.

Well, he might be on some other radio station talking about a lad who's always washing up and looking at his hands in a mysterious way.

But do we have this doctor, this doctor, that would go, well, all right, Carl, I've got, you can either leave them as stumps or I've got a little pair of feet.

Why,

I mean, I told Jane this, and Jane went,

is that the only choice?

Could you say I could have some dead man's hands?

Have you got any of if you where do you get the feet from?

Where do you get the feet from?

Can I have can I have pa what would you rather have then?

Human feet or monkey paws?

Well, I mean that wasn't an option last night.

If the doctor's saying, No, it was an option last night, but don't forget it's in your head, Carl.

This didn't happen.

I'm just saying at the time that's all the doctor had to offer.

But you know, it's your head, you can go anywhere.

No, no, no, it wasn't a real doctor to offer.

It's in your head, you can go anywhere.

You're not trapped.

Yeah, but if you can do anything, then you'd say, well, sort of out some other hands.

Fair point.

Let's fair record.

You're listening to the best of basically Carl Pilkington.

Right, you're ready then.

So, just in case you haven't heard it before, I give you some initials of the band or an artist.

We're not doing rock busters now, are we?

Yeah, I thought, well, we'll just.

We could keep that going.

Then we've got.

I love educating Ricky.

That's my favourite thing now.

Well, what do you want to do, Steve?

Let's do the clue.

It's just that he's sort of bigged up the prizes.

And so, this is only by email.

Give the email address out now for people to write it down now, Carl.

Right, it's ricky.gervase at xfm.co.uk.

Ricky.gervase at xfm.co.uk.

Only entries on email.

You're going to get three clues.

You've got to get them all right.

And you win all you win all those prizes said.

Okay, Carl, go on then.

Right, and just a quick example.

The f one of the first ones we did, it was like AK and the clue was exploding pet and it was autonomous kitten, right?

So you understand how it works now.

These are your clues.

The first one, um

that army has got some some well-nice trenches.

That army has got some well-nice trenches.

Excellent.

And the initials there are D-W.

Do you write some of the questions for 15 to 1?

Go on.

So that army has got some similar phrasing.

The second one.

What were the initials there, Carl, on that person?

D-D-W.

D-W.

Yeah.

Right, the second one.

The top of them curtains are all wrecked.

All the materials are all worn.

He He acts it out there, Lou.

We've got to get him on telly.

We have got to get him on tele because his little face and his

gestures.

That's the second one, the initials being H V.

Okay, the top of those curtains are wrecked.

All the materials are all worn out.

HV.

And the final one,

here's the final clue.

I was in Texas the other week.

I tripped and landed on my knees in a puddle.

What's the initials?

WH for that one.

So I was in Texas, I tripped up, landed on my knees in a puddle.

So that's WH.

Incredible.

He's got it.

Is it great?

It's fantastic.

It's desperate.

Okay, Time to join the record.

Tell me during the record.

Murray, you're playing for these compilation albums.

We've got the fat boy Slim DVD, Linda Green on VHS.

And of course, Executive Decision starring Kurt Russell as well.

10104.9, Ricky Dubai, Steve Merchant.

We're not actually here.

It's the best ol.

Okay, what's the next one?

What's the educating wiki?

I don't know.

Uh,

see, like I say, I was looking around, and there's stuff that is interesting.

I was looking on the web, but there's no point.

Well, it's just I found one about um what's the point

about a lad who um eight years old,

but he's still breastfed.

Now, I don't know if you can get anything out of that.

Is that what his mum said?

What do you mean I don't know if I can get anything out of that?

You don't need to.

No, it's just that.

Where do you read that?

That was on the internet.

Wow.

Well,

you're always

unspecific when you mention it.

It's just it was on the internet.

Well, I'll try to think what I put in.

I think I put in why to see if I'd confuse the computer.

I did a search, put in why, and he came up with funny things that like why is this person doing that?

Why is that and it had a picture of this eight-year-old lad sort of you know on his mum's nipple and um it was saying you know

is this healthy?

You sure that wasn't asking you that question?

Uh what you fuck I put in why just looking at the computer

go what do you mean?

Yeah, stop it.

Yeah.

Oh, look, yeah.

Last week, I was walking

home with him and I went,

he was saying something stupid.

And I went, I've got a competition for next week.

Let's do a phone in.

And it's called Carl Pilkington, Genius or Fool.

Yeah.

Right?

And he went, no, no.

I went, why not?

He went, well,

it'd be confusing because they say there's no difference between genius and being a fool.

Do they're not?

No, that's not.

No, no, but it's rubbish.

And people say there's a fine line between madness and genius and

you know, it's a ridiculous soundbite.

They don't say there's a fine line between a genius and an idiot.

Well, the people who do are idiots.

Yeah.

So what would you do there, though, just to sort of wrap that little thing up?

What would you do?

That lad loves his mum's...

His mum's milk.

What are you asking me to come up with?

No, I'm sorry.

A title for the story.

No, no, no, no.

It's just what would you do?

What do you mean, what would I do?

Well, it's causing a bit of a problem in the area.

What area?

In America

a problem are they?

George Bush is worried about this kid who's breastfeeding at eight.

Imagine it like this, right?

Right.

Listen, Carl, what are you asking me about this spurious story you saw on the internet?

I saw on the internet there's an eight-year-old lad, he likes his mum's milk, and it's saying, is this right?

Should he?

No, it's not.

But what what do you want Ricky to do about it?

It's not his responsibility.

Is it yet?

But the little town that he lives in, they're all causing an uproar, right?

Going, this isn't right.

you know.

I can't let my kid play out in case he's in the garden with his mum getting a bit hungry, right?

So,

what should they do?

Because his mum's saying, Well, he likes it, yeah, and he, you know,

what so what do you do?

I don't know the laws.

No, but I'm not asking you to sort out the laws, I'm just saying, if you lived in that neighbourhood, what would you say if you went up to him and said, Look, everyone's getting a bit fed up with this, look.

What would I do?

What do you mean, what would I do?

What are you asking me?

Right, it doesn't matter.

No, no, no, no.

What are you asking me?

What are you asking me and Steve and the public?

Say if you live next door to this woman, right?

The kid's hungry, eight years old, he's out playing on his bike, and he goes, Mom, I'm getting a bit peckish, and he goes, all right, son.

She whops one out

and he starts having his milk, right?

You live next door, you're putting your washing out, and you see this going on.

You're getting a bit sick of it because it's gone on for months.

Eight years, I see.

Why is it your business?

Why are you such a nosy neighbour that you're concerned?

What would you do, Carl?

Let's turn it back on you.

What would you do?

What's your solution?

What would you do?

Well,

I thought I'd say, right, why are you doing this?

And she'd say,

because he likes it.

And I'd go, all right, then.

Put it in a bowl first.

Jesus.

And you think that would sort that out?

No, because I was thinking about the whole thing, right?

And you do that when you're a baby, and everything's alright, innit?

Yeah.

No one butts an eyelid, a little baby having a bit of milk from its mum's breast, right?

You'd almost say it was natural.

But you grow out of it.

It's like you don't see.

It got me thinking about things you don't see.

And you don't see.

You put this into a computer.

Show me things you don't see.

What else have you seen?

Well, you don't see like an old man having a twix.

You never.

Oh, that's a

good thing.

You know the terrible thing about all this, Steve?

Is he right?

You don't see it?

No, you know, that's a terrible thing.

So, what they have got, right, they've made old man's toffees, haven't they?

They've come up with raw.

Is that a song?

Oh, oh, God.

He's dosing all this.

So, they've got their worders, right?

Look at him.

You think you're giving a lecture at Oxford?

No, no, no, it's not going anywhere.

No, go on, sorry.

Go on.

I'm just saying.

Right.

You grow out of things.

Yeah.

And the old man, I'm sure when he was a kid, he'd have a Twix.

But now it doesn't look right, so he's angry.

It doesn't look right!

I don't think Werthers' originals were specially designed for old people.

I think they were sweets that just happened to have been made for years.

That's why old people eat them.

They didn't go, hang on, there's a market here.

I've noticed old people aren't eating Twixes.

Quick, let's make some old man sweets.

But the little advert, he gives it to his grandson as well, doesn't he?

He goes, Albert Worth's original.

I think it cuts though before he throws it back in his face and goes, Get me a Twix.

You've been voting in all week, sending your emails.

So here's the clips that you wanted.

You've got a real problem with Rick Waller, haven't you?

I just he probably turns my stomach.

I know, but don't because he's arrogant as well, though.

Exactly, I don't know.

To explain to people that

it's his it's his whole thing that you it's the whole package, so to speak, that you don't have to be a bit of a double-decker.

Well, there's another thing in this quote, because uh it's not just the fact that he eats too much.

He tried, apparently, to lose some weight, and uh it says he said, The first month I lost 11 pounds, the next I lost a stone, but in the third my body did somersaults and I put on nine pounds.

I had a slip up.

I can't say when, why, or how, but it just sneaked up on me.

Yeah, I don't believe it.

Yeah, I believe it just sneaked up on me.

My body's never done a somersault in its life.

No, it just sneaked up on me.

Yeah, I know.

It was the cakes again.

Yeah.

It was the same old cakes as the body.

It's exactly the same.

The same sleep eating.

Yeah.

It's called.

It was the KFC bucket, again.

It was a family-sized KFC bucket for breakfast.

Poor man.

The other thing is that I don't think that that's a very good shock tactic for a doctor to tell a 20-something, well, to be honest, you've got 20 years to live.

That's not...

And when I was 20, the thought of dying at 40 was fine.

I didn't want to live to 40.

I just thought, oh, what can you do when you're 40?

Just laying around doing nothing, eating cheese and cheese.

And then you got there and you discovered...

No, but someone said

Sophia sent me something and she said I realise you're not Graham Norton but I had to send you this and she sent me the top of a little cream cheesy thing and it's it's the brand name is Gervaise

I mean they've named the cheese after you I think it's a big French company and this is from the Czech Republic it's all over Europe and so it's that would be a dream come true wouldn't it if they named a cheese after no I think it's I think it's uh probably you know ancestors and so I've cheese is in my blood sure quite literally is yeah another heavy Friday night wasn't it it comes out of pores like those play-doh things I can squeeze out different shapes.

Jay, bring the Stilton in.

It's Friday night.

This is a fright.

Exactly.

But yeah, so we can't really have a go at Rick Waller.

I eat too much, but

you're not big.

And I know one of the other contestants on the Fat Club side.

Another one is Jono, Jono Coleman.

Oh, we love Johnno.

Now, Jono, I don't know.

You know Jono.

He's that guy who does, he used to be on TV, and I think he does a breakfast show on A Rival Station, doesn't he?

He's happy, isn't he?

He's so trivial.

And he's a really nice bloke, Jono.

It's funny because he does a breakfast show on Heart,

which is wrecking his own the bat of irony.

Oh,

I love Carl.

Thanks, Carl.

I can see where you're coming from.

Yeah, that's good.

But we've met Jono a couple of times.

We saw him at a couple of, not wishing to say not to show off, but a couple of awards dues.

Yeah.

And that's showing off.

But people would see him dead there.

Well, yeah, but

we went to one where everyone was in like tuxedos or suits and ties.

Not Jono.

Jono was wearing a pair of Bermuda shorts.

Big Bermuda shorts, lean-legged shorts with just these little.

But I saw him again another time and he had shorts on at a similar event.

And I've seen him since in the street.

And he's all.

I don't think.

I'm wondering if he can wear trousers.

I don't think he can actually wear trousers.

I don't know if there's a medical reason for that.

Whether he's just his legs are too fair.

I think the material is a waste of money.

I think it's just that you can get shorts that big and they're comfortable.

And you know, why do you, I mean, to be quite honest, I don't want to squeeze into a tuxedo anyway.

So if you can go, I'd love to turn off those things in Bermuda shorts.

Well, of course, flip-flops.

But do you think he started off by wearing maybe he just had the upper half was a tuxedo with the tie and then the shorts and the shorts underneath, and he would just have to come in, sort of sneak behind, you know, a sideboard,

or a party plant, or his kids, bring his kids ahead of him.

Yeah, you know, you are wearing treasure, aren't you?

You are in treasure.

Of course I am, yeah, yeah, yeah.

In you go, kids move a bit.

Well, no, yes,

exactly.

Of course,

why would I be wearing treasure?

This isn't falling into one.

So now I'm going to make a wacky effort to sort of, you know, the next stone is, I've heard he's going in a grass skirt and a garland around his, and he's going to come in limboing.

But you did ask if you could go to the bafters in a dressing game, did you?

Just for ease.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go on.

Right.

Is this talking about diets and stuff, right?

Go on.

They've come up with a drug that

they tested it out on a mouse, right?

They said, you know, it's a problem.

Weight is a big issue in the world.

And, you know, a lot of people are depressed and that, probably like Rick Waller.

Well, I'm depressed, luckily, Rick Waller.

Well, you know.

No.

I mean, you could sort out Rick by, you know, Jono is an old man, he's got loads of money.

He's not old.

No, but he's getting on a bit.

He's a bad old man.

What I mean is he does his own shopping, right?

So I bet it's.

What do you mean?

Because he's like, how old is he?

35.

Right?

He's got loads of money.

He does his own shopping.

So when he goes to the supermarket and he passes, you know, the sponge cake section, it must be tough when you've got loads of money to burn that you go, oh, just one more.

Yeah.

One more.

So just we are getting close to libel here, I think.

No, no, no, but I'm saying how it is, because I've tried losing a little bit of weight.

Have you?

And it is difficult when you, you know, you're in Waitrose and you see a little chocolate muffin and you think, well,

one more, and I'll do without.

I do like a little chocolate muffin now and again, yeah, right?

Is that your favourite thing?

So the thing is,

it finishes points.

So the thing is, right?

Now, with Rick, he lives at home with his mum.

So why doesn't his mum just say, I'm going to buy less this week, and if you eat it all, you're not getting any more?

Yeah.

That sort of thing.

Doesn't he live short, sharp shop?

I bet he does.

I bet he does.

So you don't actually know if this is true or not.

No, but anyway, right.

So this drug they've come up with.

They've tested this on mics, haven't they?

No, I'm just I'm worried if they haven't tested it on mics.

Thank God for that.

It's definitely been tested on mics.

Definitely.

They fed a mouse a load of cake.

Yeah.

Right?

And it went a little bit chubby and he said, right, stop a minute.

And then they gave it this drug that makes you lose weight.

And its weight went down, but the only bad side effect was its eyes were popping out.

Well,

that seems to be fine then.

Let's give it the Jono.

There doesn't seem to be any problem at all.

Yeah, Struth, Doc, look at these.

Oh, Jesus, Johnny, your eyes are popping out.

That happened to the mice.

Sorry?

That happened to the mice.

But what do you mean?

That's the option.

What do you mean?

That's the option.

So I love the fact that your choice is either be like a fat, happy man who has the odd sponge cake or a stick man with eyes on stalks.

I mean, Steve's chosen that.

All right, come on.

I thought we were taking off Rick Waller and the fat people.

Sorry, man.

I'm trying to go at the fat people before we start on me, Rick.

Yeah, no, I didn't.

I thought.

Oh, yeah.

It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I've got some issues, your body issues.

I mean, Rick Waller's grotesque, you know.

Yeah, sorry, but I'm just a little bit weird.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, so you play some.

Well, I've got a little bit of thinking.

Alright, XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Meritchin, Carl Bilmerton, not here.

It's the best of.

You've been voting in all week, sending your emails.

So here's the clips that you wanted.

So take us back a few steps, Carl.

What's the story?

Right, so I did some research.

Let's just recap again.

The guy, there was a guy you read about who had his head chopped off, he was guillotined.

He had said to the people around him, I am going to blink once I've had my head cut off to show that.

So you weren't having any of it?

Well, no, possibly for a few seconds till the the oxygen stops being fed to the cells because the blood has drained away.

But, you know, nothing spectacular.

So,

along the similar sort of lines, right, this is quite a few years ago.

This fella sort of upset the royal family doing something.

So, they said that this isn't good.

It wasn't Ben Outwind at that Jubilee thing, was it?

I can't remember where it was, and they said, right,

we're going to cut your head off.

You know,

you've got to show people you can't be doing what you've been doing.

What was this, the 1970s?

What you said a couple of years ago, you mean maybe sort of.

Was Was it the olden days?

Ages ago.

Ages ago, sure.

So, um, so, yeah, fair enough.

Yeah.

So, very philosophical.

Yeah, imagine now he was near school.

This was literally ages ago.

He's like, Yeah, Clayman Charler's history of Britain.

Yeah, yeah.

And even before that, which is young

before, when it was all mental and different.

Sorry, Carl, go on.

So he's having his head cut off and he's resigned.

It's the day before, he's kind of got it into his head now that I'm not going to have my head much longer.

So let's make use of this.

He said,

I wonder how long the body can stay alive without the head on it.

So they were like, oh, I don't know.

So.

Hoover.

The jailers?

Whoever he was.

So he said, no, wait a minute, I've got an interesting scientific experiment, Jaydener.

Well, fair enough.

What is it?

So he said, what I want to do,

he said,

you know, surely it's my last right, you know, I'm gonna be I'm gonna be dead tomorrow.

So um let's he didn't draw it out this long, did he?

Yeah, he said let let's let's let's test this out, you know, he said, Do us a favour, he said, you know, it's my last day, um what I want you to do is you're gonna cut me head off, let's put a white line on the floor

and see if you know,'cause there's no point asking how far he can sort of walk without an head if there isn't a line because you you don't know what to count.

Do you know what I mean?

If it's just if he loses his head and he's running around all over the place, you can't really count it.

That's not impressive enough.

So, they said, let's make a white line.

Who's in this?

He did all they did.

I think they started to join in with him and say, well, let's make this a

go on.

They got Norris McWhorter again.

The Guinness people.

Oh,

yeah.

So they said, let's get this white line.

Yeah.

Dedication's all you need.

We'll do this.

We'll do this tomorrow.

He said, alright, then I'll see you in the morning.

I'll see you in the morning.

Night night, sleep tight.

Bye-bye.

I love the fact that God knows exactly what was said.

He doesn't know the story or what order it is in or whether he's in the middle.

He knows exactly what was in the story.

He knows the interview.

Alright, then, see you in the morning.

I'm not like that.

Oh, you joking.

Don't let the bed bugs.

What?

Yeah, anyway.

So he gets up.

Do you want a paper tomorrow?

No, I'm alright.

Go on.

He gets up and they say, right, you know, today's the day.

And he said, well, you know, I've got used to the ideas.

So here's a white line for you.

Got used to the idea.

Go on.

So

they go, right, you're ready then.

And he said, I go on.

And they cut his head off

and

the body walked 32 steps without a head.

Wow.

32 steps.

Incredible.

And

that's the lesson, really.

Did it get as far as the white line?

It walked along the white line, did it?

Yeah, it stayed along the white line, did 32 steps, and then started to stumble a bit and it just fell over.

But you know, it was a test that that your body can still keep alive for a little bit

when you wash your head.

Absolute twaddle.

Absolute twaddle.

What do you reckon you can do then without an head?

How many steps?

Nothing.

There'd be muscular spasm.

Right?

It would twitch a bit.

Yeah.

You could not distinctly take 32 steps.

The body could.

It's the doctor sit on the line.

The fellow that bought six parrots.

Yeah.

And uh

no, you put it up thirty-two steps.

Right, so you're heading out.

You're doing a bit of line down.

Right, you don't believe that for something that you do believe that a cockroach can live a week without a head.

It can.

Slightly different.

Slightly different kind of fish there.

Why?

Wow,

insect to

human

is what I'm thinking.

That difference.

There's not that much difference in coming to.

Do you know that a snake has a heart and lungs and kidneys and stuff?

Go on.

No, well, I'm just saying.

So, you're making out as if they're a totally different.

Species.

I am.

I am making out.

I mean, call me old-fashioned.

Do you know what you're talking about?

I don't want you embarrassing yourself here.

Yeah, I am suggesting they're totally different beings.

Yeah, that is.

Yeah.

Now, Carl, the cockroach is a very different thing.

The interesting there is that it lives.

It lives without its head.

Because a lot of it's on.

Some of them are phototropic, chemotropic.

Some of them just literally have irritation and muscle memory.

I mean, they do have a central nervous system, but it's very different.

So, if you lose the head, it bypasses a lot of that anyway.

Or does it run around?

The reason it dies is because it can't take on water.

But it's very different to a man, right, having consciousness and then losing that, and the body's still going, No, I remember, I think I remember what I was going to do here.

So I'm going to carefully walk 32 steps along this white line.

I imagine you just go looking around going, Mr.

Bit.

Maybe the head's in the corner going, left, yeah, left, yeah,

left, oh, isn't that

well let's just put it out.

I mean, if anyone listening has maybe had a relative bit of headache, maybe in a horrendous car accident, where they got up, maybe they went for a walk,

you know, they had a little chat.

Oh,

get in touch.

You are my favourite being.

You are my favourite species.

Now, you car may not be particularly different genetically from a cockroach.

You are a genetic.

Why do cockroaches do that?

Why you haven't made them?

Let's play a record with that.

Do you know what I told him this?

I send him little facts on text messages just to inflame his

interest.

I just sent him a cockroach can live nine days without his head.

He texted back, what's the point of that?

Yeah.

What's the point of not doing experiments, these cockroaches?

It wasn't boring last week to have.

Anyway, on top of all that, you're thirsty.

So it's the worst week of your life, isn't it?

That week without your head.

XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky James with me, Stephen Murchiller.

You're listening to the best of basically Carl Pilkinton.

Carl's all flustered because there isn't a record set up, but he's getting all tizzy.

He's been more worried about his competitions and sorting out putting records on red.

What?

I'm asked to start Steve's song for a lovely one.

Well, I'll tell you what, why don't you carry on with your Educating Ricky section?

I'll have a look on the screen.

We'll keep it going, Steve.

Go on.

Go on and write.

Okay.

We've had a few emails.

Anyone got it right, Carl?

Anyone got it right?

Educating Ricky, that's the final word.

We've got to get that out of the way.

We've got to get a rock buster as well, though.

But we've only got five minutes left.

Come on, just do educating Ricky.

Right, God.

The last one that we haven't done is he's a bit of a nuisance.

Go on in.

Again,

not really that interesting.

Thanks.

No, again, I spoke to him the week and he had much better things.

Like when I tell you about Brian Blessed climbing Everest, and for some reason it made him

played havoc with his belly and

he followed through and he had to clean up.

Shat himself.

Yeah,

using ice and so on.

Why are you telling me that Brian Blessed

in what way is telling me that Brian Blessed shit himself once in any way educational?

Because I was saying how

he was climbing Everest, right?

I didn't give it to him.

He's an actor and that, but he he gave that a go.

Yeah.

He played.

What's the point of that, you'd say, wouldn't you?

You'd say, God, he's, you know,

oh, so he's alright.

Me doing the boxing match, there's no reason is rubbish, but him climbing Everson, shitting himself

is commendable.

Right, and he's only going to go and do it again.

He's going to climb it again.

He might not shit himself this time.

What's the point in going?

Nothing's changed up there.

Yeah, it could probably be.

Well, it has.

They probably have probably cleared out by now.

Right, but

his sleep on it.

I can't.

I'm not telling you this one.

Come on!

Just do it.

We'll do it now.

Steve, how we're doing?

Look, no, no, never mind that.

Look, just tell me what that means.

Oh, he's a nuisance.

Oh, this is so annoying, Carl.

I'm gonna go mental.

Right, talk.

Right, listen, I'm just

right.

Nuisance is a bit of a nuisance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Apparently, the old fella who used to hang people

in the 1900s.

Yeah, yeah, he used to be able to tell somebody's weight just by looking at them.

Right?

That's a bit of a bonus fact.

We'll be the judge of that.

The

that i wanted to tell you yes um

money for old rope do you know what i'm saying

i can't even be bothered yes you're gonna tell me now come on carl i mean it basically money for old rope yeah from the right what was all that about he can tell someone's wife

and bonaverse is hitting himself what are you what let him tell you

no tell me that now you nearly made me swear then just i'm getting really annoyed i'm getting really annoyed now.

Don't win this back, Carl, or I'm going to go mental.

Come on, Carl, so I'm trying to know.

People, years ago, when people used to be hung, right?

Right.

If you didn't like the person who's been hung, you'd go, God, I really don't like him.

And so you never forget the person.

Because even if they're being hung, we pay that as rope.

Yeah, yeah.

So they never forget afterwards to get the hangman to get the rope and to cut it up into little pieces and it'd sell them.

It'd sell the little pieces of the rope to people.

See,

Carl, that's the most interesting thing, if it's true, that you've come up with.

Right.

Okay, and so what's what's you so they sell the rope?

They sell the rope, and it's money for old rope.

Money for old rope.

Meaning, like, you know, God,

teasers wouldn't make money,

all I have to do is cut it up and sell it.

I'm cynical.

I'm not so convinced though.

We're really tight, we haven't even got time for a last talk.

We've got an ad break, and we've got to get out.

Okay, give you the answers then.

This is ridiculous.

So,

do you want to pick a winner?

I've got a winner when you give us the answers.

Okay, so the first clue was: that army has got some well-nice trenches.

Yeah, that was DW.

Who's that?

Dandy Warholes.

That's brilliant.

The top of them curtains are wrecked.

All the material is worn.

HV.

It's Holly Valance.

Oh, he got a phone call for what was saying, I haven't heard it.

And she went, she was talking to her off-air.

And she went, What is it?

Someone says, Oh, those curtains.

She went, all right.

She said, You know, the thing around the top of the curtain is a palmetto, not a valence.

And he went,

cut her off.

My auntie's always making valances on everything.

I'll tell you about that next week.

I'm looking forward to that.

Is this the one that farted for five minutes?

Yeah, the very same.

So we'll talk about that.

I was in Texas, I tripped up, I landed on my knees in a puddle, WH,

Wetney, Houston.

Wet near Houston.

Yeah.

So you're a maniac.

So who's a winner?

We've got Pete Catherine and Laura in Newcastle upon Tyne.

They're listening online, I assume.

And they're on the

groups.

And remember, they've got loads of stuff.

They've got the DVD here, they've got Linda Green.

They've got Stone Roses, they've got another compilation.

And executive decisions.

What did you read about Brian Blessed?

Is it actually true or have you a lie with someone?

It was an interview with him in it.

And what did he say?

Come on, what did he say?

He said I climbed Everest and I played off it with me belly.

Let's talk about it next week.

We're really out now.

Oh, you're a fool.