BONUS: Monkey News (Compilation)

Tell us about this monkey, Carl.

You're gonna love this one, Steve.

Yeah, so last week we were talking about how a lad left his family because there was problems at home and that.

He went and lived in the wood, he got airy.

No, leave it there, we haven't got time to go into that.

That's what happened.

And that's what happened.

He lived with the monkeys, he went airy.

That's what happened.

Looked into some other stuff about airy kids and all that.

Came across this story about a bloke who worked in a zoo.

Oh dear.

Troubles brewing.

Loving his job and that, but

it's quite a lonely sort of job because you don't see many people, you're just dealing with animals all the time, right?

So anyway, he gets a bit pally with a monkey because it's the closest thing to a human.

Well, that apis.

Right.

Yeah, but you can't really go that close to apes.

What type was it?

Just let him tell the story.

Was it a chimpanzee?

I reckon it was a chimp.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter, doesn't it?

So he gets pally with him.

Right, so he gets pally with him.

Well, Well, have they gone holiday together?

Well, no, I mean, it starts off,

it starts off just checking each other out and, you know, probably sharing lunch and that together.

Yeah.

Right.

Anyway, this goes on for a while.

He's,

you know, they're getting on well and that.

And then after a while, right, the monkey starts sort of imitating him a bit more and sort of walking upright.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Right.

So he thinks, oh, that's a bit weird.

Anyway, they get on really better and what have you.

So he thinks

he could live at home with me, this, because we're getting on the storm.

Yeah.

So he texts him home and before.

Is this the beginning of Beneath the Planet of the Apes?

I think it is.

I think you've seen this on video.

I'm worried because he's already imitating it when they're moving in together.

I'm thinking it's maybe a bit like single white female.

Single white zoom.

Oh, brilliant.

So, anyway.

So, it's moving in and it's getting used to sort of the normal human life.

It's having a cup of tea in the morning.

Yeah.

PG tips.

It finishes the day off with a

finish the day off with what?

With a little brandy.

He moves to move a piano at one point, doesn't he?

He finishes the day off with a little brandy.

He pours himself away.

Is he wearing a smoking jacket?

I'll tell you what, Carl.

You're a maniac.

No, this is why it attracted me.

It's amazing, right?

So he's having his brandy and that, loving his life.

Next thing you know, he sort of,

I don't know if he loses it.

or it gets shaved, but the top half of his body is hairless.

He's hairless.

Right?

Apart from his head.

Right?

So he's he's got a nice girl.

So it's the opposite of the kid.

Yeah.

But that would happen.

Well, hang on, but so you don't know if he's shaved or if he's not.

How did it say?

Then the hairless...

What?

I'll bring it in for you, the story, and then you can see if I've come wrong.

So anyway,

so this is going on, and he's having a great life.

Then the zookeeper starts getting a bit annoyed because he's having a better life than the zookeeper.

The zookeeper's in the zookeeper.

This is such.

So the zookeeper's still got to do a day's work.

The monkey's at home, he's partying.

Well, it gets to a point when he says there's no point in you coming in to the zoo because the whole reason of you being there is because you've been kept there.

Right.

And he didn't want to bring the memories back.

So he said, You stay at home.

You are just.

You're talking such a.

Just let him finish.

God, I don't know if I can sit here and listen to this drivel.

Let me.

I'm finished.

It's nearly over anyway.

Sounds extraordinary, Carl.

So he's walking upright, he's having a tea in the morning, finishing the day off with brandy.

Gets a bit out of hand, only tries it on with the zookeeper's wife.

How does he do that?

Well because he's around humans a lot he becomes a bit of a charmer.

But what is it that he could do to seduce her?

Pick fleas out of her?

He didn't say.

He's built.

He was built.

Yeah it's well known.

What about that?

What do you mean what about it Carl?

It's obviously not true.

It's obviously not true.

This wasn't on the internet.

This was in a book.

So it's not a quick joke and just put it on a website.

This is in a book.

I don't understand how that works.

I love that he becomes a charmer.

He's got better taste in brandy.

What was it that he was doing that seduced her?

I don't know.

Maybe because he was at home more than the zookeeper was.

But what would he be doing?

He's not going to be talking with her.

They're not going to be playing Trivia Pursuit.

Maybe, maybe she liked the silent type.

It didn't go into that.

He just said that's when the trouble started.

Oh, my God.

But is that what Suzanne did when she brought you in?

Talking to the sunbirds yesterday.

Have you got anything interesting about a monkey or an ape so we can do chimpanzee that?

I know something that a lot of other people will know, but I'll...

Well, let's do it then.

Chimpanze.

What's it called again?

Where should we do a jingle?

Do a little jingle for us then.

Oh!

Chimpanzee that!

Brilliant.

That's great.

So I look forward to that every week.

Yeah.

And what's going on?

Going on is the chimp fact.

Right, it's about

this monkey ages ago.

Of course.

Don't know where it happened.

17th century?

I think it was a chimp.

Got caught having a fag.

Do you know it?

What do you mean, do I know it?

Oh, narrow it down.

Loads of chimps are caught with woodbinds.

So it was sent to court

and it was an underage.

It was.

But it got someone to go into the news agent forum did it get a bigger gorilla to go into the news agent to get a 20 waffmans it ended up doing time

because it was it was

wait a minute

that's as much as i know so there's no point question that is as much as you know innit quite literally sorry but why did he go to prison uh it's it's against the law to have a monkey having a fag wherever you want

in a built-up area

what are you talking about it's against the law for a monkey to have a fag what if it got it himself even if it just

if it earned it himself, just like moving tyres round or mucking out the zebras.

I don't know the full story.

That's you don't know the full story, do you?

But do you think you never do, do you?

I assume it was a monkey from a zoo, right?

Yeah.

Do you think it'd be fed up, though?

Because in a way, it's home from home, and it

when I read it, I didn't think it was that bad because I just don't know.

Oh, they don't put monkeys in prison.

They didn't put the monkey in a prison.

They're overcrowded.

They haven't got the space.

Well, again, I'll find it and give you

where I got it from.

Chop Harris was furious because the monkey got the top bunk.

Yeah.

Can I just uh

okay, then oh chimpanzee that another one next week.

I don't think so.

But you'll like this one.

Um

what I've found is uh found out like a lot of monkeys' names, like that's how I found out about Oliver.

Yeah.

What do you mean you found out a lot of monkeys' names?

Well there's a lot of monkeys out there and you think they're just called monkey and what have you, but they're all given names, right?

So this one that I found about, bit of a weird name anyway, it's actually called Crap, its name, right?

And so,

they're not born with those names, it's not like their parents give them those names, you know, they're just chimps, yeah.

But this one, right?

And um, it's called Crap, yeah, I know,

right?

But do you know what it's famous for?

What crap?

Yeah, no one is it involved with this show,

it's

um

the first monkey

to have its name tattooed on its head,

Yeah, again, I will say not by choice.

There is no way that a chimp would go down to Camden Lock and go, are you a registered tattooist?

I am, yes.

Yeah, yeah, it's the cleanest, yeah.

Okay, um, can I look for your book?

Can I look for your book?

Um, I'm gonna do something quite gothic, but um, uh, I'd like, you know, what's your name?

Crap.

Oh, I'm not sure I can do that because you're not drunk, are you?

I have another drink.

I have another drink.

I've had some, I've had some mbongo, and that's all.

But no.

What are you talking about?

The first monkey to have its name tattooed on its head.

What are you talking about?

There's gotta be more information.

Don't tell me you're leaving it there.

There's gotta be more information.

That was it.

And then I read it thinking, well, that's weird, because that means there's loads of monkeys with tattoos on their head.

If that's the first one.

No, it could be still the only one.

First and only.

Yeah, but would they report that?

What do you mean, would they report it?

This isn't the Washington Post you're reading.

This is mentalists who do websites about themselves every day

what

there's got to be a why is that news why is that news what how did you come across that

well you read first nut monkey with tattoo head w I mean what are you talking about but why did it have its name tattooed on its head

didn't they didn't say it didn't say that I mean yeah I know it's mad but but he didn't say why was that enough for you though did you feel satisfied having read that did you you not have a

there's no way that that is in the Guinness Book of Records.

There's no way that that is uh excited in the Guinness Book of Records.

I just read it as like, what a weird name for a monkey.

And then, ooh, you want to have that on your head?

What would be a good name for a monkey?

I don't know, uh

anything but that, really.

Yeah.

Uh Dave.

Ted.

But what do you think of that then?

Well, I don't know what to think about it, because I don't know what I don't know what you're telling me.

I don't know I don't know that that's news.

I don't know that it's true.

I mean, I don't know where to start with that.

Right, come on, monkey news.

It's not called monkey news.

Chimpanzee, we're not going to pack all the monkey stuff in.

We've got a quarter of an hour.

What other show can say that?

We're not going to pack in all the monkey news.

We've got 15 minutes, but we can't get all the monkey information.

Right, come on.

Well, you're going to love this one.

Go on.

Let's have the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee that.

Right.

Um.

I don't know how recent this was.

Oh, God.

17th century?

But it it happened in Acne, right?

If you're outside London, that's in a place in London.

And it's this monkey that's going about Acne, nicking DVDs.

Even the monkey didn't go for videos.

Even the monkey knew.

Well, there's no point in getting on VHS.

Do it back.

Right, and there's a girl called Lisa who works in our office here, right?

And I mentioned it to her because she lives in Hackney.

I said, uh, you familiar with this?

And uh, she said, Oh, I remember something about it, which annoyed me.

The fact that a monkey's running riot, but she couldn't, she didn't know the full story, and she lives there.

What do you mean, a monkey?

Do you mean a chimpanzee or a monkey?

I don't know.

Is there a zoo in Hackney?

Is there a zoo there?

I don't know what sort it was.

But it it was like.

Is there a zoo in Hackney?

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's what I was asking.

So get on with the story.

So anyway, so yeah, it's been robbing stuff.

And

the other bit that really puzzled me, right, is the fact that.

And you're not easily puzzled by monkey news.

They took fingerprints.

What do you think about that?

Well, they took fingerprints, presumably, because they didn't know it was a monkey to start with.

No, they did.

They saw it.

They saw it, nicking stuff, and they said, get fingerprints.

So that means there's more than just one doing it.

I'm going to have a heart.

He had to fax them to Interpol.

Yeah, yeah.

We know that is, yeah.

It's bright, it's Brian the Monkey.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry, I don't understand.

He was stealing DVDs.

Specifically, DVDs.

DVDs, I think it said watches and stuff.

What, breaking into homes?

Yeah, in Hackney.

Maybe.

Are you sure it wasn't a kid with a mask on?

No, seriously.

How is he breaking into homes?

At the drain pipe.

They're good, aren't they?

They're good, aren't they?

But how would they steal?

So is that the news?

Well, that's what.

How much do you want?

Is that monkey news?

For this week.

Well, I don't know that it's true.

Again, I've got it.

There was other stuff.

There was another story that I found about a monkey, but I would like to know from someone in Hackney if...

Do you know what I mean?

And I missed that one on Crime Watch, which would have been good.

Right?

But there was another story about one that

kept getting on buses, not paying its fare.

Not paying its fair and just sat in a corner reading the paper.

Reading the paper, Carl, you're an idiot.

Well, that wasn't in London.

You're an idiot.

That was in America.

It wouldn't read the paper.

Why would it read the paper?

Because it was its way of sort of going, oh, well, if I'm reading something, maybe the inspector...

The inspector will notice my hairy hands.

Oh, Carl, you're such a fool.

Well, Philip.

Carl, Carl.

I've just had a news flash that an infinite number of monkeys in Hackney are nicking an infinite number of typewriters.

Yeah.

We don't know what for.

At this stage, we've got no more information.

And they've taken back an infinite amount of graduate on video.

Then this is rubbish.

Sorry,

sorry, what was the monkey news?

Quickly.

No, no, no, no, no, we've got to save monkey news.

Is it quick?

Is it quick?

Going into the record?

What the monkey news?

Is it quick?

Yeah.

I can tell it to you quickly.

Quick then.

Right.

Jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee that.

Go.

Shambles.

Hurry up!

There's a monkey in India, right?

On a railway station, waiting for the train.

No, don't mess about because I've got to get through it quick.

There's

monkeys sat there, and this robber nicks somebody's handbag or something, goes running off down the platform.

The police are chasing them.

Monkey steps in, trips the fella up, pins him down.

Police come and arrest the fella.

He tripped over the monkey.

Okay, play a record.

He didn't?

He tripped over the monkey.

The monkey was waiting for a train.

He tripped over the monkey.

The monkey was waiting for a train.

He tripped over the monkey.

Did you check the timetable?

Okay, leave it.

Alright,

there's been a few things, but one that springs to mind

is they found a load of monkeys somewhere.

This is brilliant.

I mean, imagine this if this was news.

Go on.

Where?

Somewhere.

I think it was in the 17th century?

I don't it doesn't matter that bit.

Find a load of monkeys that are

having a good chat.

Go on.

They're having a good chat.

Alright.

We've found monkeys that can talk.

Yeah.

About f that they've worked out they've got about five hundred and thirty four different words that they're using

to like have a chat about something.

More than you.

Yeah, what did they chat about then?

Just, you know, things things that monkeys are worrying about.

You know, where do you get that from?

You know, who does your hair?

You're going up with her again, are you?

Have you seen that?

Sorry, you can't just leave that.

No, no, no.

I'm just intrigued.

I'm just intrigued to know what else.

Is there anything?

Were they discussing the humanity?

Did you see that programme on 124?

Yeah, he can walk upright.

Yeah.

But on a wall,

do you mean

they taught themselves this language?

Yeah.

Where?

Where is this?

In the wild, is this, is it?

Not sign language.

It's in some jungle somewhere.

They found these monkeys.

He heard some explorers over there cutting through the woods and that.

And he heard his name.

And he thought, that's what he went, what do you want, Roll?

He went, it wasn't me.

I didn't say.

I didn't say, oh, snodgrass, where'd you get that gun?

Yeah, exactly.

Well, it was only me and you here.

Yeah.

It's weird, isn't it?

No, it's not weird.

It's not a trick.

Right, come on then, what's next?

But what I'm thinking, I mean, that did happen.

So, well,

right, it's that time again, isn't it?

Monkey news.

Yeah, monkey news.

Monkey, monkey news.

Right, if you're a new listener, this is where we do a bit of monkey news.

Oh, imagine him giving these chance.

I'm a news poker.

Like News Night Review or News at 10.

Over to Carl Pilkington.

Yeah, all right.

Monkey's gone mad again.

Go on.

Right, we've done quite a lot of good stuff.

The one that sort of picked up most of the fuss was probably Ollie the Monkey.

I love the fact that they're all monkeys.

He's a chimpanzee.

He's an ape.

Well, today, right, we're looking at one that's uh

it's called Coco.

Oh, yeah, the one that's the sign language one.

Well, what I've read about him is he speaks, right?

God, highly educated,

photographer,

Oh, Carl!

Carl!

I love the fact that when he gets

a gifted ape, he has to look up to him.

He realises that he is superior.

I love that.

And there also lights going on computer chat rooms.

I can't take this any lots.

He's unleashing sick.

Oh, gosh.

Right, that's that's pretty amazing.

You know, if an infinite number of monkeys are in an infinite number of chat rooms, they'll eventually type which is your favourite episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Exactly, yeah.

Carl Filkinson, you're an idiot.

Hang on, I'd love to have some monkey news, though.

Go on then, got any monkey news?

Yeah, I've got some monkey news.

Come on then.

No, Rick, come on, cheer up.

Well, it's sort of like he moans that he's got too much time on his hands, and he comes up with that shh.

Okay, shite.

Monkey news, the jingle, please.

Oh, chimpanzee, see that?

Monkey news.

Okay, there's been quite a lot of stuff going on.

There was a few bits in that guinea book of records book that cost me twenty quid yeah well that's not news is it they printed that probably last september so that's there's one in there new music new music new new monkey news from last september you're a lord come on waster police ricky monkey news um right there was this this monkey in uh in a zoo in brazil right right

and uh this little man monkey little woman monkey and uh you're a scientist aren't you go on.

And they said uh the people in charge were like, oh, wouldn't it be good if they had kids?

Brilliant.

Right.

So uh anyway the chimps used to stand sort of you know they'd have the little caves each and they used to sort of they used to sort of uh lean on the fence having a bit of a chat and stuff with each other.

Gossiping yeah the equivalent sort of thing.

Yeah.

So anyway they were getting on a storm and like the zookeepers were like Can you hear that cheapest chimps this week?

Okay, it was fascinating.

Yeah just just gossiping, I understand.

So was any monkey news?

I know, it's cheating.

What was the monkey news this week?

Come on.

It was from last September.

So

stood there having a chat and the zookeepers were like, I wonder if they're ever going to have kids and that.

Anyway, it went on for ages, you know, this just chatting, no sort of action.

So what the zookeepers did was...

They said, I know how they'll have kids.

Are we letting that go?

They were just chatting.

Are we just letting that go?

You know what I mean?

I mean, just doing whatever monkeys do.

So, um,

so yeah, so the zookeepers were like, yeah, I wonder when they're gonna, you know, have some kids.

Anyway, what they decided to do, to sort of do to egg them on,

bought one of them a suit, won a wedding dress.

Right.

Keep going.

No, I'm like, shut up, Jervise.

Fade him down if he's going to interrupt.

I want to hear after that.

They got married.

So they got married.

Yeah, they got married.

Right.

What?

That's the end of it!

This is why I don't.

Right, that's the end of monkey news.

That's the end of monkey news.

Don't do that again.

You've got no features left.

Why don't you like that?

Was this not a story?

It's about two chips chatting, which doesn't happen.

The zookeeper's going, I wonder if they're going to ever have kids.

And come on, they got married.

That's the end of the story.

What are you talking about?

Hang on, just calm down.

Let me just check that you didn't make a mistake there and didn't lose out.

What do you mean you didn't make a mistake?

Wait a minute, he may have just left out a fundamental piece of information.

What, the story?

That would have made it into a story.

Right.

Let me just check the facts.

So they bought them wedding outfits.

They were married.

Did they propose to each other or did they just forcibly marry?

Encouraging.

And then what was the outcome?

Once they got married, what happened?

They fell in love?

Yeah.

What?

It's not a marriage, Carl.

It's not a real marriage.

I don't know what you've got in your head.

It's like the head of Homer Simpson.

I'd go in there and there'd be a wedding reception and there'd be a couple of fights and they'd be talking about stuff.

They got married, they fell in love, did they have children?

Um they're not back off their honeymoon yet.

Play record.

You've got no features now.

Well, anyway,

today's story

was emailed in.

So he didn't even do anything towards it.

So when you say I've been working on monkey news,

you

printed that out.

So is the making of monkey news you checking your email?

Well no, I'm always looking at different options, you know, how much is going on.

This is what makes me laugh when he says he's really busy.

Yeah.

I'm doing other stuff and I'm doing other stuff.

People are sending in monkey news.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You get an email.

Is it from Reuters?

Well, listen, it's from Steve.

Uh now what it is, is this monkey, right?

Yeah.

Don't know where it was.

Mm-hmm.

Uh but there's a bit before the monkey anyway, right?

Jeez.

No listen.

Right.

It's a bank.

There's this bank, right?

Busy bank.

Normal day everything's going normal, right?

Busy bank, people going in, doing what they do, seeing about mortgages and stuff.

Everything's normal, everyone's happy, right?

So anyway, it's quite busy one day.

Fella comes in

with a gun and a balaclava on.

That's an oopy.

Right, I'm telling you now, Carl, if this fella turns out to be any ape or monkey-related species, you're never doing this again.

You are never.

So, just if you want to finish it, it's at your own risk.

But if this fella who robbed the bank turns out to be a chimpanzee, that's the end of monkey news.

Okay, let's hear the end.

It's a lovely day in a lovely bank.

Everyone's happy.

Everything's normal.

A man comes in in the Balaclava.

Man comes in,

starts waving a gun around.

Let him finish the story.

Starts waving a gun around.

Absolutely good.

So everyone's thinking, oh, God, you know, I wish I didn't come in here.

It's not going to be a good day.

I've told it the man.

Shut up.

Let's hear it.

Everything, you know, oh, God.

He's telling everyone to get down on the floor.

Yep.

In what, in English?

In English?

Yeah.

In English.

So everyone's panicking, everyone's getting on the floor thinking this is it, this is, you know, it's all over.

Yeah.

Just when you think, you know,

it's all bad news.

Yeah.

It's all bad news.

Doors swing open.

Little monkey wanders in.

God, it's worse.

Shut up, Rick.

Little monkey wanders in, right?

The robber's like, what's going on here?

He's telling it to get down on the floor.

I don't think it was taking any notice.

No, it was just busy asking for coffee.

It runs in.

I don't know if it was going to withdraw or deposit or whatever.

It wanders in, right?

Goes up to the robber.

Where did it come from?

Shut up.

Will you let him finish the story and then ask questions?

That's only fair.

Okay.

Wanders in.

Runs up to the fellow with the gun, takes the gun and the bag of money off him.

Everyone's like, yay, you know, we've been saved.

Then the monkey starts backing out with the gun and the money.

Shut up.

Sit down and finish.

I'm having this.

He does a runner with the money and the gun.

No one's seen it since.

You are an idiot.

I mean,

you have said some stupid things in your time.

What are you talking about?

It's a story that happened.

No!

What are you talking about?

What do you mean it backed out?

It came in.

Was it an accomplice?

Was it an opportunist monkey robbery?

What are you talking?

Think, Carl.

Think.

I know it's mad.

That's the idea of monkey news.

We're telling people

how monkeys are pretty, you know.

They're mental.

They're up to no good.

What do you think?

They've never seen the monkey since.

What, did he have a getaway car?

Waiting, did he swing his way to freedom?

Where was this?

There's no details.

Don't talk rubbish.

Well,

Steve emailed it in.

He's got it off the net.

And the funny thing is,

the funny thing is,

it wasn't just him who sent it.

I had that a couple of times, so a few people obviously read the story and said, you know, that'll be good for monkey news.

It doesn't say anymore.

It doesn't say if he went off to Spain.

It doesn't say, you know, what, you know, if he's on Crime Watch.

It doesn't say any of that.

It's just saying that's what he did.

That's the story.

And that's what Monkey News.

I've heard that they're making a movie version with Phil Collins.

So I look forward to that and Judy Waters.

So that's this week's Monkey News.

Have you got any?

You know, anything that's going to be

in your time.

That's the end.

No, that is the end.

That's the end of monkey news.

No more monkey news.

Okay, so monkey news, please.

Alright, let's hear the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Right.

Now, before I went away.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Brilliant.

Right?

Right.

Before I went away, I told you about Alfred.

He was the monkey where there was a robbery going on in a bank.

And then he nicked the robber's loot and backed out with a gun.

He sort of stole, he robbed the robber, didn't he?

Yeah.

Did he take his gun as well?

He took all the weapons.

He took all the weapons.

He was like a couple of robbers.

He managed, because they were so amazed that a monkey was coming in.

It was like...

Don't talk, shite, twice.

Anyway.

So, anyway, got a follow-up to that.

Okay, then what was that monkey's name?

Alfred.

That was Alfred.

So, anyway,

because a lot of people wanted to know, well, you know, what did he do?

Did he go off and have a holiday?

Did he?

No, no, no.

So

the follow-up is

what happened is the monkey had the guns, had the cash, which was $250,000.

Sure.

Right?

It went back to the zoo,

right?

Alright, Carl, you're talking shut.

I'd get angry with you when you won't let him finish his monkey news.

Can't we just get that fish?

Imagine if people were interrupting Governor McDonald.

It wouldn't happen.

I want to make sure I don't get anything wrong.

No, of course not.

Let's go check the internet.

So the monkey goes back to the zoo, right?

Where all the zookeepers come out and go get him.

He's got the guns.

He hands out a couple of guns to his mates.

What?

His monkey mates.

His monkey mates.

So they've all got a couple of guns in his mouth.

Oh, Carl.

Steve, I can't, mate.

I can't.

Honestly, I want to scream.

Please, I really get annoyed with you.

They tried to

do him a deal.

They said, how about this?

I'm going.

Tell him that.

I'm not going.

No, I can't.

Step out from it.

Okay, we'll just do it.

Don't listen.

Step out, and I'll paraphrase what I hear for you when you come back in.

Step out.

Now, please, I'll need to hear.

I need to do the end of the day.

This is monkey news.

This is important stuff.

Ricky now has left the room.

He can't bear to hear, which is surprising to me.

Right, so anyway,

so yeah, they've got the money, and they say to the zookeepers, How about

we'll give you some cash?

Yes.

And they go, Sorry, hang on, sorry, the zookeepers said that to the monkeys.

Yeah.

Right?

No, no, no.

The monkeys who have got the £250,000

say to the zookeepers, we'll sort you some money out if you let us go.

So the monkeys say to the zookeepers, we'll give you some money.

Yeah.

You don't see any problem with that?

Right, listen.

Okay.

It's nearly finished.

Right, I'm listening up there.

This is ridiculous.

Don't mean the monkeys say.

What do you mean the monkeys say to the zookeepers?

They were probably holding the money out, like kind of going, look, you know, we'll do your deal.

Right, okay, come on.

And what happened is,

I think they were happy with that, I think they left and that was that.

They they they wanted to get out of the zoo because they didn't like it in there.

There's the thing.

Right, I I don't just have a look.

Right, Carl, think.

Right, how did they get out in the first place, this one?

Just let Steve have a So why did he go so he went and robbed he thought o what he knew there was gonna be a robbery that day, did he?

He might have been getting some money before they went to escape and then that happened and they had more money.

They might have been withdrawing some stuff out.

What do you mean?

No.

He was planning on leaving the zoo.

He's going to get his savings.

What are you talking about?

What have you read there, Steve?

I've got a feeling this is a review of one of the Planet of the Apes films.

I think he's escaped from the Planet of the Apes.

I'm not certain.

It could be beneath the Planet of the Apes.

Right, I mean, Carl, think, think,

please think, right?

So this monkey, right, he leaves the zoo, right?

So he leaves the zoo, which he can do, presumably what?

Are they leaving the keys or what?

They're chatting to him.

I might as well.

He goes to a bank.

What's he thinking of doing?

Sees a robbery, probably by chance.

He probably wasn't tipped off, was he?

Or has he got one of those police scanners?

Probably got one of those police scanners, isn't it?

Well, I think he was going to the bank to get a mortgage to build a lot.

I think you wanted an extension, didn't he, on his cage?

Think of that.

And so

I love the fact that the hands out the guns and they do a deal.

It's honestly,

you've got the best mind

working on radio today.

It's incredible.

So we're doing it then.

Let's play the jingle.

Oh,

chimpanzee that monkey news night.

Excellent.

Good.

So we'll sort of get some monkey experts on maybe next week to dissect it.

Right.

You ready?

Yeah.

Alright, there's this monkey.

It's called Jack.

Alright.

I got pally with this bloke who worked in a railway station.

How?

How?

Pen pals?

I don't know.

I didn't say all that.

I didn't get to the internet.

I'm sure.

Channels on the internet.

So, anyway, he's helping him out all the time.

It's this fella's job, right, to sort of make sure it's safe for the trains to come in, that sort of thing, right?

But he's always working on his own, so he's got his mate Jack in with him, right?

This little monkey.

And, you know, they're having a good time.

They share lunch together and stuff like that.

Anyway, it gets to a point when the fella whose job it is, right, starts getting old.

And Jack, the monkey, starts getting more involved.

Presumably, this is a chimpanzee as opposed to a monkey.

You mean when you say monkey, it's a generic term,

you mean chimps, usually, don't you?

Yeah, corner.

So, you know, he's clocking the fella doing his job, and he's thinking, I can do this.

Right, the monkey.

I love it.

He's helping out, he's pulling down the levers and stuff.

So the train's sort of coming on the right line.

Sure, sure, sure, yeah.

He's clocking it, he sticks his head out of the little window, see the trains coming, and that.

I have British Randolph listening, yeah.

Right?

In the end,

the fellow whose job it is, he lost a leg for some reason, couldn't work anymore.

Gave Jack the job.

Yes.

Okay.

The railway company, happy with that.

I'm sure they interviewed a number of people, but he was the best monkey for the job.

And that's good, isn't it?

Well, it's not true.

Right, once again.

Well, it's not true.

Don't hand Steve a piece of paper that someone put on the internet who is probably a bigger mentalist than you.

That's not proof.

It's not true.

At no point did a railway company give a chimpanzee the job of signalman.

It was ages ago.

What?

Steve, when was it?

Before trains, probably.

Well, it's in the 1880s.

Yeah.

According to this piece of paper, which is what you've based your monkey news on.

Now, of course, I think ITN and a lot of the news channels, they tend to get lots of independent confirmation of their news before they give it out as fact.

But you've got an email from someone, so let's assume that's real.

It says for this, Jack was officially put on the railway payroll, earning two cents per day, and have half a bottle of beer on Saturday.

That's what we pay you, isn't it?

He doesn't even get the beer.

Oh, dear, he's not allowed to drink, are you?

Someone emailed in actually and said, Uh, Carl, some years ago, did you die?

and they took your face and transplanted it onto that of a chimpanzee.

It would make a lot of sense.

Right, anyway, better monkey news.

That's been uh been sent in

right.

Uh, Gareth in Catford.

Right, good work, Gary.

Um, Basically, it's about this

monkey.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

In the jungle.

It's got a gig out in airdressers.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

It's got itself a nice little job going in airdressers.

As what?

It gets people sitting down.

And what it does before the people have their hair cut,

it sort of sits there and it goes through people's hair, makes sure it's clean, and people are loving it.

Right.

So it's a pet monkey.

It's nothing to do with it getting a gig in an airdresser's.

It's a pet monkey.

It's not working at a monkeying guy.

Yeah.

No, no, seriously, it's in there.

I think it might have started off as a job and then it's a good idea.

So what does it say?

It says junior £15, stylist £35, monkey £63.

It's in the jungle.

It was wondering about.

And maybe, maybe it did did say.

It looks good.

Its hair looks good.

Someone thought, and you know, never ever.

You see, people make that mistake with hairdressers anyway.

I always say, well, if the airdresser's got a good haircut, go to where he's going.

Right.

Right?

Because that's what I thought when I read it about having a good haircut.

How often do you go to the hairdressers?

Well, not that much anymore, but I used to always think that.

You used to go to a bloke who told me had his shack on a railway bridge that used to shake when a train went over.

Because it was two quid.

Yeah, but before that, I've never had that much luck with hairdressers.

Before that was another place, and it was run by sort of, you know, these

sort of wannabe gangster type people.

Oh, yeah.

But they'd, you know, you'd go in for a while.

What do you mean by wannabe gangsters?

Well, sort of just petty crime stuff.

You'd go in for a haircut and then you'd walk out with a video recorder.

Do you know what I mean?

You'd have to take it.

No, I know, but they'd sort of spend ages flogging you that whilst cutting your hair.

It was their thing.

It's like, right, sit down, you're right.

Yeah.

Sit down for the weekend.

What do you think of?

Maybe a sony.

Yeah.

So, and so that's when I stopped going there because it was like, just what I haircut, I don't want to be asshole.

It was once said that you had the hair of a Chinaman.

It's the fellow who worked in a railway station haircut.

Will you know?

I mean, he's been around a bit, clearly, if he runs a shack next to a railway station.

So, um,

just go back to Monkey News.

I didn't quite follow why he's he, he's still, he's still, his, his salon is in the jungle, or where is it?

No, he was doing his doing what he does in the jungle, right?

Right.

Um

he was walking about, he wanders into the airdressers.

Yeah.

Maybe they didn't have him on like as a job straight away.

He was just there.

This is nice.

He sat there picking the knits and

oh Carl, I don't know where to start.

It's just that it's that it's the embellishment.

You don't walk in he walked from a jungle to an airdresser's.

I mean you're an idiot.

You really are.

I'd love to see you try and get a job in an airdresser.

If there was another monkey up for it.

You'd never get a job.

So he was good at that.

People said this is relaxing.

Apparently he had really nice hands soothing yeah on people's heads they said let's put him on the payroll so let's put him on the payroll what do you mean

now i'll give you that okay this is the news item is it

customers are queuing up to have their hair done at a salon in the jungle by a monkey judy a pig-tailed macaque has a reputation as the best exterminator of headlights in com cane

she is so good some customers fall asleep under her gentle touch regular amporon chekema said Judith's hands are so soft and gentle I really feel I can relax.

But you know that is doing what it does naturally.

It's looking for like salt and stuff in the hair.

Yeah.

And knits.

It's not on the payroll.

It doesn't complain about when it gets when it gets deducted at national insurance.

It's not part of the union.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But a good monkey news, you know, backed up with good tabloid journalism.

Yeah with solid evidence there.

So now that's I think maybe we should start marking the monkey news, Rick.

I don't know what you think.

Give me it marks out of ten, maybe?

For both interest and validity.

Well, for interest, I'll give it seven.

For Carl's.

Carl believing that there was something to this monkey, thinking it had a job and getting paid.

But it was also doing kind of perms and colouring.

Two.

Yeah.

Ridiculous.

Again, ridiculous.

More monkey news next week.

Hopefully, let's just hear that jingle again.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

So let's have official monkey news.

Play the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Alright, we've got to be quick.

Go on.

This is something that was sent in to me ages ago, and I don't know why I haven't done it yet, because it's brilliant.

We were talking about monkeys typing,

the Shakespeare theory, and all that.

Well, this is about a little monkey called Marty.

It's in some science lab.

It's in there.

It was wandering about out of its cage.

The lab fella was busy on the phone or something.

And

it's wandering about.

It goes up to a PC that's in the corner, a little computer, types down, my name is Marty.

So the fella got off the phone, saw this on the screen where the monkey sat there.

Says to his mate, have you done this?

Right, hold on, Carl.

Let him finish.

Before you question, always let him finish.

I don't know what to do.

Time's against us.

Come on.

He said, have you done this?

He says, done what?

He said this on the screen here, saying, my name's Marty.

Right?

He goes, what are you talking about?

I did have an argument with his mate saying, you're lying.

You did it.

Monkey sat there, typing, this isn't a practical joke.

My name is Marty.

Right, and that's the end of the story?

I'm not coming in next week.

I think we need a week off.

I actually think we need a week off.

It's doing a web chat or something.

You can go online and have a chat with it.

The monkey's doing a web chat.

I don't know.

Has he got up yet?

His favourite Buffy the Vampire's over here?

Have a look at that?

Have a look at that.

Right.

Do you believe that, Carl?

So

no, but do you believe it?

Do you believe that monkey could type that and then say this is not a practical joke when he's all arguing?

Weird, isn't it?

Do you reckon, Steve?

Yeah, well, it's obviously a wind-up.

It's a joke.

It's not even...

You haven't even got some of the the facts wrong.

It's just a wind-up.

Have you noticed the date?

Is it April the 1st?

It is April the 1st.

You are joking.

But it was sent.

You're an idiot, Carl.

It was sent on April the 1st, Carl.

So you're saying the monkey knows it's April the 1st, but you're not going to be able to do it.

No, it's doing a wind-up.

Yes.

Yeah, I think the monkey has thought I'll do it on April the 1st so that people think that it's a wind-up, but actual fact I am a monkey that can type and read.

Well, it's that time.

It's getting exciting.

We've got Rockbusters results, but before that, a little bit of monkey news with...

Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news.

Carl Pilkerton.

Brilliant.

I haven't read that for a couple of weeks.

Go on in.

Alright, so

that this little monkey

lives in Morocco.

Right, I'll just warn you now, you're on thin ice from last time.

Okay, so make sure, is this real?

It's been a little bit.

Don't tell anything you think about it.

As you're saying it, think to yourself, is that true?

Do monkeys do that?

Do they think like that?

So, go on in.

So, anyway, yeah, so there's this magician in Morocco, right?

Got a little monkey working with him, right?

Um, the way it used to work, uh,

magician used to do his thing on stage, do a little bit of magic, people loved it.

Then the monkey came out, had a little cap, walked around the crowd and stuff,

uh, got the money, had a good little team thing going on, right?

Yeah, so anyway, the monkey's name was 86,

right?

Because back then, there were so many monkeys, it was like, oh, what names?

Do you know what I mean?

What names?

So they just named it.

So this little monkey takes a lot of time.

He had 86 monkeys other monkeys.

No, no, no.

It's just that because a lot of monkeys were sort of working back then, helping magicians out, you know, doing bits and pieces, busking, what have you.

But Rick, you know how there's so much.

But why would there be a confusion with that?

I i if he only had one monkey, where's the confusion?

People would go, I'm not going to go and see that.

I want to see 86.

He's the better monkey.

Do you know what I mean?

What does it matter?

I don't know what you mean.

Well, why do they need w

where was the confusion?

With people going to the circus and going, what monkey are going to see tonight?

I don't know.

It wasn't a billing, was it, with a monkey?

But Rick, it's just the same with humans.

You know, there's so many humans now that we can't give them names anymore.

Yeah, they're numbers.

Exactly, yeah.

There's so many humans, you know, with five billion people.

We can't give them names, it's impossible.

But, you know, with a few monkeys, number 122, go on.

So, anyway, so there he is.

86.

86.

With his art, walking around, getting the money.

Anyway, the magician sort of

thinking about moving on.

Because in Morocco, he'd sort of done all the tourist traps.

So he had a word with the monkey.

He said, how about we...

See?

No, let him continue.

Think.

He let him continue.

He didn't have a word with the monkey.

Let him continue.

So, what do you think about going over to Spain?

Yes.

God.

Sure.

So the monkey was in agreement.

So he said, all right, go on then.

Right.

So

they'd get in the car.

And like, the magician knew he'd have a bit of a problem on his hands because you're not meant to take monkeys out of the country.

Yeah, right.

So he thought right what I'll do, I'll uh I'll get a car, right?

Right.

Uh stick the monkey in a boot, right,

uh get on the boat and hopefully sort of you know stick it in a in some luggage and what have you.

Yeah.

We'll be over there, we'll be earning big money, everything's gonna be great.

So the monkey's like brilliant.

So they get in the car, they're on the way to the to the boat.

and uh pull over at a petrol station

and uh just before filling up he opens up the the boot and he goes you're all right and then it's like yeah yeah it's found

so

he leaves the boot open so it can breathe and get a bit of fresh air whilst it's filling up goes in to pay the money

pays the money goes I'm just paying for the

this monkey is not going to drive away in that car or we're never doing this feature again

Carl what happens what's up what's number 86 up to

86

so uh that's the ending isn't it that's the story come on let's finish it a little bit yeah

brilliant brilliant.

You're going to love it.

Right, so he's in the petrol station and he's going, right, I'll pay for pump four.

And the fellow says, what are you talking about?

Pump four, isn't that a monkey?

No, sometimes I use numbers for monkeys, sometimes I use no, I mean pump four.

Sure.

So he says, what are you talking about?

There's no car at pump four.

Right.

Keep going.

Sticks his head out of the door.

The monkey's giving it some.

Went over to Spain on its own.

I don't know what to do.

Hang on, let's just get a couple of the facts right here.

What do you mean, a couple of the facts, right?

There are no facts.

So number 86.

Number 86.

He drove to Spain.

Honestly, Carl, you must know.

It was an automatic.

Right.

How did he...

You must know that is shit.

There is no way a monkey.

That's the thing with a skinny.

He gets stopped at customs.

How would he get through customs, Carl?

Did he passport no he was sneaking about because he didn't have a passport?

So we parked and then snuck through.

Do you want the facts?

Let me see it.

Well, I'll examine this, Rick, then we'll play records.

Play record because I found that.

That's nearly as bad as the armed robbery.

Right, go on.

Play record.

Better suede.

Yeah, stay together.

My favourite.

One of 86's favourites.

Is that monkey news for this week?

Have we not got any other monkey news for this?

Well, it's just it hasn't been that good.

I mean, the one that I found out here

because we've covered so much in the monkey world, right?

The fact that we've done a monkey that was a sort of half-man, we've done a monkey that got a got a decent job in a train station, um can you think of any of the other well that's just some of the great monkey news from the past.

That's what I mean, so that's what you've got to compete with.

So, even though this is quite amazing, um

Just tell us another monkey's got married.

Oh, not another monkey getting married.

What do you mean?

It's got uh another one, you know, it was knocking about with some uh woman monkey for a bit.

A woman monkey.

They decided to, you know, get married.

Yeah.

They did.

What do you mean they decided to get married?

Was it pressure from her parents?

They had a good do.

And.

I love the spread.

I love the peanut volemons.

Yeah.

Celebrated in a pub, and then they both went off to the cage at night.

That's what I mean.

Even though that is quite impressive because...

It's not true.

Or it's a joke.

It's nothing.

It's not.

On an OVA website, official sort of news website.

Two monkeys have married in Romania

after a whirlwind romance.

Well, that's.

After a whirlwind romance, God, yeah.

Yeah, a quick one hanging onto the rope.

Yeah.

She was in the tyre.

Yeah.

He saw it.

He went, I'll have a go at that.

They go, we've got to marry her now.

Her parents came and said, do you just...

Did you just

knock him one off?

She went, I can do that for you.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Go say the monkey bridegroom was scared by the number of people attending the wedding and refused to get out of of his cage.

His bride was.

It's not Bloody Hello magazine again.

No, it wasn't.

No, I think it was like last-minute nerves.

Right.

Like, you know, I'm single now.

It's like, you know, it's the big step.

Yeah.

But his bride enjoyed every minute of it.

She was loving it.

Yeah, she looked lovely, by the way.

She looked lovely.

She looked reports she only appeared to have problems with her veil and dress.

Do you see?

You know,

this is the guesting.

I hope they didn't ruin it like Anthea Turner and maybe get sort of put sponsorship PG Tips or something.

Tips

with strong plum brandy so they got them drunk as well so they carried on the celebrations at the pub and the bride was taken to a new husband's cage at night

I

I really well I apologize play record right come on now oh chimpanzee that monkey news earlier than usual

I'll have to save this link now monkey news we've done a lot of stuff right on monkeys

and most of it has been It's bollocks.

No,

has been like...

Happy stories.

Oh, is this a sad?

Is this going to be like our tune?

R monkey tune.

Simon Bates and welcome to our monkey tune.

No, but do you know what I mean?

We've done stuff about a monkey that robbed a bank.

Yeah.

Why is that happy?

He had a great life after that.

What, and Marbea?

Yeah.

Right, we did

the one who

saved someone's handbag in a railway station.

We've had a lovely marriage.

A couple of marriages.

A couple of marriages.

A couple of monkey marriages.

Yeah.

It was the one who got a job in a railway station.

Yeah, the hairdresser.

The one who set up a business in Spain.

I don't even remember that one, that one either.

I mean, I'm willing to believe that that happened.

Go on then, Carl.

But anyway, yeah, so today's

isn't that happy, really?

It's about some monkey, I think it was a chimp.

He was an ape.

Go on.

It tried to.

I mean, the story sets off at a sort of a weird thing.

It's something about he went to Russia to do some business.

What are you talking about, Carl?

I didn't.

He jumped past that bit, though.

It didn't start there.

Do you know what I mean?

He didn't tell you what he was doing.

It just said, there's this monkey went to Russia.

Just do some business.

Do some stuff.

I do.

A bit of monkey business.

And

anyway, didn't work out.

Didn't work out.

They were furious.

We wanted a surgeon.

You send us a monkey.

Anyway,

ended up being homeless.

Oh, no,

what?

Couldn't even get into a not you know like a tree hostel or anything like that.

That's that's that's the problem.

And

ended up uh yeah, ended up homeless.

Got in with some uh

some tramps.

I don't know where to stop.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Um yeah, so he's knocking about with some tramps and stuff, um

you know, sharing drink and what have you around a little fire.

Um

they

broke into some home that sort of squatted.

Right, so they're not homeless anymore.

Um problem was, yeah, he had a

roof over his little hairy head.

Yeah.

And he goes, oh, this is good.

This is, you know, we're having a good time.

This is sorting me out.

Yeah.

He He had his.

He should say it in Russian, though.

But what was he eating?

I don't know.

Don't know what it didn't say.

But they're in this house.

Well, he could only be eating sort of like, you know, fruit, nuts, vegetables.

I mean, they fat class leaders sort of don't eat, you know, pork pies and stuff.

But they've got McDonald's in Moscow now, so.

Sure.

He probably checked.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, there was a bust.

There was a bust in the flat that they were squatting in.

All the other tramps sort of knew what was going on, legged it, left

little chimps out there, got arrested.

And they thought it was a real fella at first.

They were like, get him, you know, he's obviously just a scruffy bloke who hasn't had a shave and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Hasn't shaved his back for a while.

Or his face.

Yeah, yeah.

His head.

Yeah.

Got him down the station.

And the boss was like, what's going on here?

We've got a monkey here.

He was like, what?

So you arrested the monkey.

So the arresting officers hadn't noticed all the way to to the station that he kept slipping out of the handcuffs and was going

for the entire journey.

They didn't notice till they got there.

What, did they put a hood over his head maybe and just like, you know?

I don't know.

I'll give you the

story if you want.

There's the headline.

What is it?

What's the headline, Steve?

I don't want to see it.

The headline, this is once again from supposedly reputable news organisation Ananova, homeless monkey arrested in Russia.

Sorry, did you read on or did you see the headline and make up that whole story?

Most of it is there.

What isn't there?

What bit isn't there then?

I think, you know, Steve can have a look over it, check it out and stuff.

Point out the embellishment for me, Steve.

Will you?

Well, what it doesn't say is that the police didn't realise it was a monkey.

That's what I was guessing.

That's what I was guessing.

Really?

That they got it back and they said, well, you know, we've got a monkey.

And they go,

yeah yeah oh god we have some more uh monkey problems in the week have you seen the alfords advert with monkeys in no there's a new advert out for alfords selling bikes and stuff yeah got some monkeys in it it's caused an uproar why

people are saying it's uh you know dressing them up in track suits and that

is uh

taking the mickey out of manchester it's you know it's not nice for the animals and that so there's been loads of complaints

or something, do they?

I imagine?

I think they kept the track suit.

Yeah.

Well,

nearly the end of the show, but we wouldn't.

You know, we wouldn't let them down, would we?

You know what it is now, don't you?

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Right.

Now, whilst I was in Cornwall,

I wasn't online, right?

I didn't have the internet, so it's like, oh, what am I going to do?

And I didn't come back till yesterday.

And I thought there's loads going on that I don't know about in the monkey world and stuff.

I was hoping to get some from the zoo that I was meant to be going to.

Of course, that didn't happen.

So I said to my dad, Do you know anything about monkeys?

Have you got any stories with monkeys?

Brilliant.

This is it.

No, this is what Trevor McGonald does.

Turned out at a quarter to ten, he goes,

Nothing.

Dad, anything happened?

You got anything politics?

Anything politics, dad?

This isn't monkey news, I'm just giving you this free.

Yeah, brilliant.

Turned out one of his mates used to have a chimp.

Right.

Uh what do you mean one of his mates used to have a chimp?

Well two two of his mates.

Many of his men.

Oh sorry yeah.

I was thinking it sounds a bit far-fetched living in Manchester like.

But if there was two of them He had a chimp.

Um I had to thump it in the head.

So doing what, answering back?

Oh God.

Tried it on with his wife.

I just thumped it in the head for trying it on with his wife.

I love it.

I love it.

It's a proper fist fight in a pub in Manchester.

I'd call him up, but he's one of them who like swears all the time.

I mean, it'd be good to get him on.

Let's interview him.

Can we not interview him pre-recorded?

We can bleep out the swear.

I'd love to hear his story.

Yeah, well, well,

we're not scared of work, are we?

No, you're not yourself if you can't be bothered.

Yeah, I have a word, I have a word, I sort it out.

Yeah, try something.

Well, Well, don't tell us the rest of the story then.

Let's let him say it in his own.

No, but there was another one as well.

When you say you can get him on, but he swears a lot, you mean the monkey?

I'm assuming he's more coherent than your dad's mate.

But there's him, and there's some other fellow he knows who had a funny name, I'll have to find out, because you'll love his name.

But he was a drag artist.

Yeah.

And

I think he said he went my dad went round one day, I don't know why, right?

Went around there, knocked on the door, chimpanzeed.

Carl, I don't know what you're doing, mate.

I don't know where this place you live.

Next door, there's an horse in the front room.

There's chimps running round.

Mad.

Anyway.

Chimpanzered!

Is that it?

Is that the end of the story?

There's a chimpanzer in the door, and that's the end.

Are you sure it wasn't the drag artist before he's shaved?

No, sure it wasn't your gran?

Because I like the really airy ones that decide they can be female impersonators.

Yeah, your gran.

Anyway.

Go on then.

This is the monkey news.

So you got that for free.

What's this going to be like?

Let's have more jingles.

Okay.

Oh, chin pants.

See that?

Monkey news extra.

Okay.

Right.

Another phrase.

We've been talking about phrases today.

Yeah, we have to.

Don't teach your granny when she's shaving.

Yeah.

Don't teach your granny to suck eggs.

Yeah.

Don't look a horse in the mouth.

Don't let the chin pass the jaw if you're tucking your cock in.

Familiar with the phrase monkey business?

No, never heard that one before, Carl.

That's brilliant.

Right, well, it came about.

This has been emailed in, and I haven't really had a chance to look at it, so I'm just weighing it up now.

This is the biggest shambles on air, isn't it?

Really?

I'm ashamed of it.

I mean, what was Dr.

Fox?

Dr.

Fox must have been really polite.

He must have been thinking, I don't know how to put this.

He must have wanted to scream and go, you shouldn't be in the radio authority.

My parents listen online.

I can't look them in the eye.

Right, I think I've weighed it up.

Long time ago, right?

Yeah, in the

Amazon jungle.

Yeah.

Right?

Little family of monkeys in there.

Right.

Having a good life.

Right.

Didn't have any predators in there.

Right.

So they were loving it.

Yeah.

They had a load of food around them, they had loads of banana trees.

Right.

No, I don't think so.

No, they did.

Sorry,

everything's going great, so they're happy in that.

They go to bed.

Wake up in the morning, load of bananas gone.

Oh, hang on, interesting.

Hold on, wait a minute.

So

either your dad's been around or...

This isn't the great Amazon banana robbery, is it?

So anyway, turns out

it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island, from the rough bit.

From the rough bit!

From the rough bit!

I love it!

They wandered into a middle-class area.

They're the ones with the earrings and the leather jacket.

Oh, that is brilliant from a rough part of the island.

So the monkeys thought, well, there's no point getting into a fight with them because they're harder than we are.

Yeah, of course, and they carry chains.

But I love all this conjecture.

They've got click knives and tattoos.

Yeah, go on.

So basically, they said,

Let's do some business with the bananas.

Let's do some business with the bananas.

This is a shit.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Christ!

Right, come on, we haven't got much time left.

Oh, God!

What do you mean they said?

Forget it.

No, no, forget it.

Come on, come on.

Switch the record off.

Switch the record off.

Switch the record off, pal.

What are you talking about?

What did they do?

Let's do business with the bananas.

Yeah.

So, they said, well, rather than them coming robbing them,

we'll we'll flog them

so that put a stop to it then the people the monkeys came they didn't have money they said give us some monkey you know give us some bananas um and it says uh so what they exchanged bananas for bananas for for for berries and nuts

so that's where the phrase monkey business no no comes from business to set up

right there god that's the end of that as well so that's the end that is a shame that's the end of rock busters and monkey news well done you've done it in one show.

Oh, chimpanzee up, Monkey News.

Excellent.

So Monkey News Time on XFM, Carl Pilkington, the man in the hot seat.

Carl, what have you got for us?

Okay, monkey news this week.

we've covered a lot of stuff

we have indeed

now do you know like

there's places where you can go for like weekend rests and stuff and you can you relax you sit in a little spa you might have a swim and stuff.

Well they've got a place done for monkeys.

Of course they have.

Right.

They can go there, they can they relax forget about all the stuff they've got going on in their head.

They can have a manicure.

It's got nice meals.

It's not called called a manicure, though, it's called a chimper cure.

Beauty treatments.

Yeah.

Right?

Look good and stuff.

Yeah, well, look good, feel good, yeah.

Now,

you might think, well, that's pretty normal.

Well,

the bit I haven't told you about

is actually run by a couple of chimps.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, you're a maniac.

Oh but Christ!

Oh, it's just

by a couple of chimps!

Of course it's not!

No no no it is, because think about it.

No, not think about it.

What do you mean yes it is?

Of course it's not run by a couple of chimps.

What do they do?

Get a loan?

Right, if a chimp wants to have a rest.

Yeah.

Where would you go to?

A place that's run by humans that don't what don't they don't know what chimps needs are?

No!

My point is this, how did they get it together?

How did the two what two chimps, what Mr.

and Mrs.

Chimp, went for a learner and said, I'll tell you what we need, a spa.

I think it started off quite simple, right?

Just,

you know, basic, basic stuff.

But they've expanded over time because it's become so popular.

It's gone mental down there.

Sure.

Go!

You've all heard about it.

Now, the thing is, the problem is this, right?

That isn't even the top and bottom of it, right?

Christ.

The problem is...

It's been going on and on and on, right?

It's been earning a lot of money and stuff.

The monkeys are happy.

The monkeys that go there are loving it.

They're telling friends and stuff.

They're all coming to it.

Now, the problem is

it's this little monkey, little man monkey, and little woman monkey, right?

Yeah.

They were sort of girlfriend and boyfriend.

Sort of.

It's an open relationship, they can play around if they want.

Well, the problem is they're not married, right?

Now

the lad monkey, fella monkey,

he's getting quite old.

And the problem is because it's his name that's down on all the all the fans.

Let him finish.

I'm getting scared now.

Let him finish.

It's his name on the business.

And the problem is

his missus is kind of like, what's going to happen?

Sure.

Where are you getting this from?

Internet.

Carl!

I don't know where to start.

This is the customer.

Just hear the end.

This is ridiculous.

So the problem is.

The female monkey is worried that the male monkey is worried about dying.

What's going to happen with the business?

What's going to happen?

Of course.

Right.

Now.

What do you mean, the business?

That is the business.

It's a joke.

Healthy.

Rick, you're not listening.

His name's on the phone.

The male monkey's name.

It's in his name.

Now, the problem is, the woman monkey has got some kids, but because they're not blood relatives, it's not going to be handed down to them.

And the corporate...

Oh, they're they're kids from a previous monkey marriage.

Yeah, right.

So that they're not going to get it.

Um

let me just check this out.

Yeah, otherwise you don't want to check the facts.

Otherwise, you could look like a twat

spouting shit on the radio.

Please check the facts for scientific significance.

I'm already just a bit worried because they're saying that the people in Ohio, which is where they've got

the little health thing going on.

So that makes it more believable that it's Ohio.

I thought you meant it was Berkshire, in which case it would be rubbish.

It looks like the local people are trying to get in there, they've seen the success of it.

Sure.

And they're trying to go in and and take it over and stuff.

Yeah.

So, give me the piece of paper.

Throw it away.

Play a record.

That's the worst.

That's the worst one I've ever heard.

And you are, there's something wrong with you.

You're educationally subnormal.

Right.

It's the time that most people, I imagine, have been waiting for.

Monkey news.

Play the jingle.

Okay.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Right.

Come on.

Come Come on.

You should be ready, Carlos.

That was amazing, innit?

Nicholas Witchell.

Um

oh the bomb.

No, no, that's not the first.

Come on!

No, it's always difficult, innit, to sort of find something that's good each week, right?

Last week, we did the chimps.

It is for us, yeah.

We had the chimps who were running a health spa.

We've covered the one who nicked a car to go on to Spain, to show his future out.

All shite.

The hairdresser, I think he's you know, we've done that one, the little monkey hairdresser.

This week we're looking at monkeys

that they're using.

Do you know, like, monkeys?

They know how, like.

I've lost the will to live, Steve.

Oh, I don't want to do it.

Well, come on.

Just

come on.

What a monkey's good at.

What are monkeys good at?

Yeah.

Well, running small businesses.

Yeah, they're very good at.

Yeah, yeah, they love Spain.

Oh, and foiling bank robberies.

Yeah, they're great.

Well, something else they're good at, right?

It's like weighing up the situation.

If you stick them in a in like a a field with loads of o like obstacles on it, right, they're good at sort of, yeah, I can get over that and I climb over that, I'll swing from there to there, that sort of thing, right?

Okay.

So the people in charge of somewhere I've thought somewhere I thought we can use that, we can use that skill, right?

And what what the what they've done is they've got a load load of uh little monkeys, right?

They've given an IQ test,

and the ones that score

above 80,

right, get to produce this show next week,

join the army.

Right, how do they join the army and what do they do?

They just, what they do is they set little obstacle courses up for them, they do that, they do a cross-country run, they do the IQ test.

Yeah, okay.

And then once they've done all that, they make them a little uniform, made to measure little uniforms.

Slightly longer arms, shorter legs than usual, yeah.

Yeah.

And basically, then they start how to use a gun and that sort of thing.

Yeah, of course they are.

You're talking rubbish again.

This came through literally, you know, pretty late on.

So you've not had a chance to cooperate all the facts as usual.

Just have a look.

Right.

It's the interest.

The bit I'm looking for is: well, A, why are they doing it?

Why are they doing it?

Yeah.

Why do we need monkeys in the army?

And secondly, why are we giving them guns?

I'll just check to see if any of that is.

And I love the the fact that we only let gays in recently.

Yeah.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Yeah.

I can't read it.

That's just too much pressure on it.

But it's rubbish.

But it's rubbish.

They don't get it.

Again, it's the way that there are things.

There are animal cores, right?

There are horses, there are dolphins, sea lions.

You know, there are lots and lots of animals in the army, but they don't have to pass

an obstacle test as such, and they're not taught to fire guns.

You've straightaway assumed that they're going to be there's going to be loads of squads of men and then just one little monkey in the middle.

Like, you know, he did he came second on the test.

He's in.

He's in, boys.

What do you think, Steve?

You've read it?

Well, as ever, Carl, this is an arbitrary email sent by one of our listeners.

You know what Ricky and I think of them.

And so we're not really basing this on hard evidence.

We're basing it on the ramblings of one of our listeners.

Rubbish.

Once again, lazy, rubbish, uncorroborated, nonsense.

The stupid test that you got wrong.

Rick, that sounds like monkey news to me.

Play the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Excellent.

A particularly aggressive jingle this week.

Wow.

Yeah, looking forward to this monkey news.

Carl.

Right.

Come on.

So what's her name?

What?

What?

What?

Brilliant.

We've done a lot of monkeys who got involved in crime and stuff.

We had

the one on the train station, Nick in a bag.

We had the one who went into a bank.

Who cares?

Went into a bank

and walked out with the money and stuff.

Yes.

Didn't happen either.

But the thing is, you never sort of found found out what happened to them if they sort of got worse, got more involved in terms of the money.

Brilliant.

What they found out in India is

they've got a prison.

It's just for monkeys.

You mean wild animals?

You mean a zoo?

Yeah, yeah, a zoo or a kennel or something that where they've they've it's been uh garn mental or something.

It's a prison.

Yeah, is it is it does it have fraud cases?

It's got it's

mainly sort of animals that are attacked things.

My mainly violence, I bet.

That's my...

That and that and theft.

Second stuff.

Feft.

Say it again.

Feft.

Say it again.

Robin.

No, let's go back to that word.

We're going to keep doing it.

We've got six minutes.

You're going to say the word right before you go to Hastings.

Well, do you say it?

You learn the genuine how to say it.

Well, all right, Robin then.

It's been caught robbing.

Say it again, though.

Who's Robbin?

Who's Robin?

So they've got this presentation.

This is extraordinary.

Say it again.

No, you're not going to say it?

No, go on then.

So they've got a prison for them, right?

And there's 11 of them in there, 11 monkeys

that are in there for life.

Because that's...

I think there's one just got out on parole.

Right?

No time off of the parole.

But there's 11.

There's 11.

I'll give you the bit of paper because I thought this was.

You thought it was a bit weird.

No, Carl, what are they in there for then?

Because I mean, they're in there for life, so I'm assuming it's murder, is it?

Premeditated murder?

They're not crime bosses, are they?

They're not

prostitution and gamblers.

Are you sure they're not?

They're just the pawns

and the head sort of like orangutans up a tree going,

remember, you don't know me.

You're on your own.

They might go down, you're on the phone with me.

Take some of your gorillas down there and sort him out.

Oh, the great banana robbery.

I wondered if they'd get them.

Right, go on then.

Okay, let me see.

Now, I don't know what source this is, as ever.

Is it just ever sent back to the back of a fag packet found in the toilet?

Well, no, I mean, someone's clearly, if this is nonsense, then someone's clearly gone to a lot of effort because it does open with the headline, parole unlikely for inmates of monkey prison.

Yeah.

Officials say 11 inmates are India's only monkey jail.

Officials, no, what kind of people work at a monkey jail?

when you work

it says officials say 11 inmates at India's only monkey jail are unlikely to ever be released the prison in Patilia houses monkeys apprehended by game wardens in Punjab state for thieving and attacking people

the Daily Telegraph reports how the monkeys at the prison in Montebay

snarl and glare at visitors from their heavily barred cages.

Two monkeys were released a year ago after exhibiting good behaviour for 18 months in the jail.

They have remained out of trouble.

Prison can work, that's good.

So

so

they were aggressive wild animals that were taken away from the public for their own good

i'm robbing them up

wildlife officials believe part of the problem has been caused by thieves training monkeys to help them lorry drivers training monkeys as guards for vehicles and itinerant entertainers

ill-treating monkeys as helpful and it's the it's the monkey that takes the wrap it's a shame that isn't it that is awful they didn't know what they were doing did they?

So there you go.

What do you think of that though, Carl?

What would you if you if you could visit them like Lord Longford or something?

What would you what would you say to them?

You go there and they you get a visit a week or something, you know?

So can you get us a video?

Do they get uh conjugal rights?

Do you reckon?

You wouldn't be interested in that though, would you?

What's what they get what?

Would you be happy to give them their conjugal rights?

Yeah, would you?

Fair enough.

All right.

Off to Hastings.

Off to Hastings.

Excellent, man.

Well, that's nearly it.

It's the big one.

It's what people tune in for.

They're probably tune in about 10-2 these days.

For monkey news

with

Carl Pilkington.

We hear the jingle.

Only four to go.

Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news.

Right, this one's about a...

It's been emailed in to me.

Right.

I haven't really had time to check it out this week.

No, you're joking.

It's been busy with me.

Ooh, I hope it's not stupid.

Goes back to 1908 and the person saying it's you know it's a good story and that and they're surprised they haven't picked up on it yet.

The Olympics, right?

In 1908 in London.

Apparently it was meant to happen in in Italy, but it was cancelled.

Don't know why.

Right?

And it happened in London.

Anyway, 400 meters.

Right, it was meant to

There was a fella who was going to do the run, right?

And the favourite to win it was this Bulgarian guy, right?

He was like an European.

Okay, these are a few things it cannot be.

One, he injures himself, so a monkey steps in and wins.

Two, he does a drugs test.

It turns out that he is a monkey.

So if it's either of those, right, I'm going to go mad.

So anyway, so the fella, right, this favourite, everyone's putting the money on him, thinking, yeah, he's going to do it.

Is he hairy or heavy?

Is this bloke hairy?

So anyway, so the race happens.

Yeah.

And everybody's lined up, ready to run.

And, you know, everyone's saying, yeah, he's going to win, he's going to win.

And suddenly, a bit of murmuring going on.

People going, oh, what's going on here?

He's eating a banana.

And there's a fella.

There's a fella in the lane next to him.

Yeah.

Right.

He's going up.

Who's that?

He doesn't look familiar.

Oh, Christ, can't.

Right, doesn't look familiar.

Who's he?

What's going on?

What's going on?

What's going on?

Yeah, what is it?

What is it?

Who is it?

I mean, what is it?

So they go in.

So they say, well, he might not be that any good.

Do you know what I mean?

He might not be good.

He might.

Just a bit short.

He's only three foot six and he's hunched over on his knuckles.

I don't realise it's fancy dress.

So I don't think he's going to be any good.

So the race starts.

Oh, he put his finger up his arse.

That's weird for a runner to do that before a race.

It's weird, yeah.

Race starts.

Yeah.

The fellow that no one recognises wins it.

People go, what's going on here?

Yeah, sure.

Do you know what I mean?

We had our money on the favourite.

What's gone on?

Who is this guy?

Anyway, he's stood up there, right?

He's looking well happy.

He's lifting the trophy and everything.

Long arms don't have that trophy's higher than.

So anyway.

He's only three foot, but the trophy's nine foot in the air with those long arms.

Sounds suspicious.

Go on.

They had the picture in the paper the next day.

Sure.

And everyone's going, yeah, he was fast and everything, but

quite hairy for a runner.

Oh, for f.

I'll tell you.

Quite hairy for a runner.

Because normally they shave themselves, don't they, to make them faster and going, how did he manage it?

It's really airy in that.

So anyway, he wins the stuff.

He walks away with a cup.

The people who are in charge of the running, or like the Olympic committee, look further into it.

Turns out it was a chimp.

Right, keep talking.

No, don't keep talking.

Why encourage you?

Shut up.

This is monkey news.

If you can't handle the news.

It's news from 1909 and I haven't heard about a chimp winning the Olympics.

Be quiet.

What happened there then?

400 metres, right?

No,

don't talk shit.

The amazing thing.

It took so long for the Olympic Committee, right, to find out that it was a monkey.

It was going mad.

It was going like manic.

It went into loads of races.

It was picking up loads of like.

No, shut up!

I became a celebrity.

he was doing it was doing endorsements on TV.

Don't talk shit!

It said he managed to win the same race four years later in Athens because

you know we're working our way up to the grand finale, the bit where Carl spouts absolute nonsense from a dodgy source on the internet about about a monkey who did something impossible.

Let's cue up the jingle.

Hang on.

Alright.

Perfect.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Yuff.

Right.

Let's have a look.

This one's from

some woman, right?

Yeah.

And

she was taking part in the London to Brighton bike ride.

Right.

Lovely day, weather's good and everything.

What year?

She's

just

a couple of months ago.

Um she's done all the training, right?

Done all the training and stuff.

Uh got a brand new bike for it, got a little puncher outfit and stuff all set for the day, right?

It's a nice day, she sets off the all-star peddling and that on the way to Brighton, yeah, right?

So she's she knows the route and that, got her little headphones on, cycling along.

Uh suddenly, right, okay, I'll stop you now.

Um, if uh a cyclist overtakes her and it's going really fast and it's all hunched over, but it's it's got like lots of cycling gear on and a helmet and goggles, and they can't tell what it is, but they just know it's like a little hairy fella who hasn't bothered shaving his legs, which is weird, isn't it?

Because cyclists usually shave their legs, and this guy had really hairy legs.

But and it won, they gave it the medal, it won three years running, they gave it to the key to the city,

it had its own game show.

And then someone said, Hold on, though, this fella's all hunched over, and he's only three foot five and his arms are longer than his body.

It's a chimp.

If it goes anywhere near that, we're never doing it again.

More monkey news next week?

She's cycling along.

Anyway, she's cycling along, right?

And

this tricycle.

I couldn't predict that.

There's always one element you could never anticipate.

Yeah, yeah.

A kid's tricycle with a little kid on it.

Little hairy kid with a helmet.

Okay, just go on then.

Well, the tricycle comes whizzing past.

Yeah, strong legs, in there, Jimps.

So she's thinking that.

But didn't get a chance to see the cyclist.

Oh, yeah, couldn't quite see the cyclist?

Go on.

Yeah, research scientist Carl Pilkington.

Hello.

So anyway, she gets to the end line, right?

And they got talking that, so it was a nice day, nice race, and all that.

So did you see

a little thing on a tricycle?

A person, surely, just a human.

Did you see that?

No, did you see that bloke on the tricycle?

So anyway, turns out...

Yeah, but what did you say things.

Well, there's no suspicious.

I mean, what did you say?

Did you see that fellow on a tricycle?

Anyway, so it turns out

it was a chimp.

You're joking!

Well, Christ almighty, there you go.

Unbelievable, and it looks the chimp all along.

So anyway, right, so the woman's like,

We're never doing this again.

Checking out the news, right?

There's nothing on it.

She checks out XFM monkey news.

Right, okay, I'm stopping there again.

Right?

If it turns out she doesn't do it, right, and the circus goes, we're looking for our chimp.

It used to ride this tricycle and it escaped with police chasing it.

So she listened to XFM, see if I'd picked up on the story.

Yeah, sure.

I didn't have it and stuff.

So she got in touch with the organisers of the London to Brighton bike ride.

Said, look, saw a little hairy fella.

Why did she care?

Because she wanted to know.

She thought it was a bit odd.

It turned out it was a chimp.

They weren't happy about it.

Of course not.

Because now the owner of the chimp wants to enter it into the Tordi France.

I'm gonna die.

Oh, God.

In 2005.

Now, a couple of questions.

I trust you'll be able to answer these.

Oh, God!

Steve, help me out.

How did it get hold of the tricycle?

I don't know.

Okay.

No, no, that's fine.

That's not the important point.

Look, that's important.

What's the matter with you, Steve?

He doesn't know that.

How did it know to...

Well, firstly, how did it know which way to cycle?

But more importantly, how did it it know there was a major bike ride?

Just following the crowd, Steve.

What's the matter with you?

The owner of it had trained it and said.

I knew it,

it had already done the run beforehand, before the big day.

No, it hadn't.

Like I said, it wants to do the Tour de France in 2005.

No, it doesn't.

But there's something about animal rights.

If they don't let it enter, they can kick up a bit of a fuck.

The animal rights is that it's cruel to make a cheap ride a bicycle.

Not that it's prejudiced that it'd go, is it because I is hairy?

You idiot.

Mike.

So.

Wow, that is the worst.

That is the worst one yet.

Absolute twaddle.

Absolute rubbish, Carl.

Have you got a tricycle?

Unbelievable.

Steve.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Okay, monkey-related news from Carl Pilkington.

Right.

Uh, do you know the monkey that went into space?

Yeah.

Yep.

It happened in 1958.

Right.

Now you know that.

Yeah, yes.

What did he do next?

What did the monkey do next?

One appearance on Celebrity Squares and it was like forgotten.

Right.

Yeah, cut a novelty record.

Yeah.

It's just like Rick Waller.

I'll tell you what happened.

He got back.

Heroes welcome.

NASA sort of said, you know, you did a good job.

And that's where a lot of people think, you know, it all ended.

Sure.

But NASA were like, well, hang on a minute.

Spent a lot of time.

We've trained him up and stuff.

So he's like, you know, he's saying, sure, sure.

You know, I've learnt a lot.

I've still got it.

All I've kept it.

All I know what to do.

So they said, right, we'll use you.

So he turned into like a bit of a trainer at NASA.

We might have send you out on the top of an organ.

He put on this little bell hopper.

He's like, can you smoke fags?

I'll have a go.

So

they were getting in new monkeys.

You know, the main man at NASA was saying, can you teach these the same?

He's going, of course I can.

Do you know what I mean?

I remember it all.

I know what's going on.

I'll tell them what button to press, what to do in emergencies, that sort of thing.

It was technically sort of employed by the army.

Can I just fit in here?

I don't know the story, Carl.

And I might embarrass myself here.

You've got an army of people out there that have probably send me an equally deranged email from a different website.

But I'm pretty sure when they sent the monkey into space, it was to monitor his physiology.

he didn't press any buttons or learn to dock or take off

it's just it was just the effects of weightlessness and space on

basically a primate I'm pretty sure he was tied in with electrodes to his head

so

well yeah I'm pretty sure I could prove but even if that were the case and he had learned to press one or two very basic buttons definitely not definitely not even if it were the case I'm pretty certain they wouldn't have brought him back to train up Neil Armstrong

right definitely But go on, going, Neil, what are you going to say when you come out there?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I was thinking of just saying, I know I'm on the moon.

What about I've noticed that you've got little legs, right?

But mankind stepped forward.

Well, how could I put that?

I was just going to say, I know I'm on the moon, it's great to be here.

I wish you were here.

I've got things like that.

Yeah, go on.

Anyway, basically, he got back.

They sorted him out with a nice pension.

He was happy.

Because of the rank that he got,

he was like, you know, he had loads of medals and stuff.

He said, right, we'll make him a colonel.

He got that.

Like I said, he got a pension.

And he died in 1969.

He was buried with his wife.

He passed away.

His wife?

I'm sure it just goes on to a different website about something completely different.

You're talking about Buzz Aldrin.

Yeah.

His page is missing.

Oh, dear.

Well.

That.

Carl,

if someone could call in, did they train Laika the dog to sort of like, you know, dock and re-energy?

Did he, like, they didn't bother?

They didn't even bother.

They just sent him up there and then they didn't have technology to bring him back.

And they just went, yeah, that's that.

That's brilliant.

Well, I can do that.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Really?

Yeah.

What do you think of that, Carl?

Rubbish, innit?

Sort of bright down a bit.

But the little monkey made a colonel, hero, big hero.

What was he in?

What craft was he in?

Spatnick.

Just hang on a minute.

He was in

Jupiter AM.

Let me see that piece of paper.

Yeah, I can guarantee there's nothing there about his training other than let's hope he's not sick on the control panel when we shoot him up at 400 Gs.

Oh, dear.

I love the fact that you think this monkey was a hype.

Do you know what I mean?

When you think of these things that are less in the monkey's face, do you think of the planet of the apes?

Like they're sort of talking sort of chimps and gorillas and they're in tunics on horseback with snub-nosed rifles?

What do you think of?

Just a little monkey getting on with it.

He knows his job.

He knows what he's got to do.

He'll get us on with it.

Look, he's pressed the button.

What's he pressed the button?

This takes me back.

Do you remember 1965, I think it was?

We're going to use him to train other DGs.

That's it then.

Goodbye.

Thanks.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Okay, monkey news.

Do you want a bit?

Yes, please.

Please jingle.

This rash is weird.

Oh, chimp pants, see that?

Monkey news.

Right.

Right, they were filming a documentary, right?

This telecompany.

Yeah.

Do you know a documentary?

Which one?

Which one?

Which one?

Dunno.

No, right.

What was the documentary about?

About monkeys.

Yeah.

Where was it?

Where was it?

Right, when was this?

I haven't got a date.

Okay.

Recently, though, since the advent of television, obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, a bit of extra monkey news if you want it.

Okay, always do you know the um monkey news extra go on do you know the halford's ads

halfred's ads i don't think so no what happens alfords they've they've uh you know they sell nuts and bolts and stuff right uh they were using monkeys in the ads okay um

yeah

and what happened

don't they sell bikes alfred's well mainly bicycles and and motorbike stuff in there

Okay, so yeah, so they're using monkeys in the other world.

I can't handle it.

What?

I can't do this.

Look at him.

I don't care what he's doing.

And it well basically, right?

They've uh

they uh there was a load of asshole because they were using these monkeys in this Alpha tab vert.

Yes.

And what happened?

Get to the point.

It turned out there wasn't a problem because they were mechanics in the first place.

What they were monkey mechanics?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Mental.

What are you talking about?

That's not a story.

Anyway, listen, let's get back onto it.

Right, listen.

Right, so they're making this documentary.

Right?

And they stumble across a little gang of little gang.

Come on, just

get on with it, please.

Please, little gang of monkeys.

That's the first time I've ever laughed.

I'll hear that.

I know.

Well, Brilliant, what do you want?

A cake?

Come on.

Can we play a song?

Oh.

I don't understand what is wrong with you, you freak.

It's making me laugh.

Tell us the story.

Alright then.

Alright.

So anyway, right, so this documentary being made.

They found a little gang of monkeys.

Right, play a song.

I don't know what's going on here.

I apologise.

Got a hidey level away.

According to the Beatles on XFM 104.9, I'm going to raise with me Steve Merchant.

Right, Carl, come on.

Monkey news.

Where everyone's composed.

The jingle, please.

Oh, chin bancy that monkey news.

excellent okay

right where were we we would just start again there's some people making a documentary

the what okay making a documentary in uh in the jungle on that right stumble across a little gang

okay okay come on all right um

a little gang of monkeys yeah

come on So the camera crew are there filming it.

Yes.

Everything's going normal.

There's nothing nothing odd about it.

Okay.

They're not running a restaurant, they've not got any barbershops, nothing.

No.

Just regular monkeys going about their business, yeah.

So anyway.

What normally happens is the monkeys

sleep with the partner.

They don't sort of sleep around and that.

Once they've got a girlfriend or the boyfriend or whatever,

they stick with them, right?

But anyway, they were watching this one, right?

And it's going around a bit, sleeping around.

Oily.

And it was getting fatter.

They thought, thought this is a bit odd.

Yeah.

Right?

So I followed it round

and see it having it away.

Turns out, little prostitute.

Oh, God.

It's a little monkey prostitute.

It was getting fatter because it was charging them bananas.

What a lovely boy.

Charging them bananas.

What was it?

A boy or it was a.

Woman.

Little woman monkey.

That's the most extraordinary monkey news I've ever heard.

Oh!

That is genius.

Has this documentary been televised?

I don't think it's been on yet.

And that's all the information you've got.

Yeah.

And is that

one banana for everything?

No, half a banana is for

a poor job.

Right.

If you want full-blown monkey sex, it is two and a half bananas.

Sure.

Let's just play a song.

Anyway, it's what everyone's been waiting for.

It's what Card exists for for the last time.

It's monkey news.

Oh, chimpanzee that!

Monkey news!

Right, are you familiar with Undreth Monkey?

Keep talking.

Undreth Monkey?

Undreth.

Yeah, like as in like

one more than 99.

Hundredth.

The one hundredth monkey.

Yeah, are you familiar with that?

No.

No.

Anyway, thanks.

That was my good news.

Next week, Adam and Jeff.

What do you mean you're going to leave that?

Well, I thought it was a popular phrase this morning.

What 100th Monkey?

Yeah.

What do you mean a popular phrase?

What?

What why?

What?

Because you're going to do songs and phrase with it next week.

We've said it was before.

100th Monkey.

No, it's just.

It says the expression 100th Monkey.

What's the story?

Well, it's from the 1950s, right?

And the way that they got it because

they were following some monkeys about, right?

And they started...

Who was?

Who Who was?

Journalists.

Oh, yeah.

Why?

Just to see what they're up to.

Okay, so they're following some monkeys around.

Yeah.

What was it?

What?

A documentary?

Anyway, one of them.

Come on.

Come on.

One of them washed some potatoes.

Right.

Okay.

Let's leave that right.

Let's leave that.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Come on.

A monkey.

Are you washing potatoes?

Can we leave that one a bit?

No, no, no.

You've got to do it now.

They're following a...

What is it?

Local family.

Is it family of monkeys?

It was just one chimp and it was washing a potato and they thought, that's a bit odd, right?

Yeah.

It turns out that that ended up teaching another monkey how to wash a potato.

No,

they go down and wash them in the sea because they like the taste of salt.

The weird thing is, though,

when it got to the hundredth monkey, right, even though it hadn't been taught how to wash a potato, it automatically knew.

It knew what to do.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

It was in them.

It was in them that they knew that when they get a potato they had to wash it.

That isn't the monkey news.

I'm just saying that's where the expression comes from, but you haven't even heard of that.

Well, there's a couple of things there.

It could be another upshot, and

instinct is part of your genetics ending out.

Washington potatoes.

But you can't pass on acquired characteristics.

So that's nonsense.

If you mean that

someone was taught they had a child and it knew it.

There's no chemical memory as such in what you're talking about.

So that wasn't in the monkey news.

No, the monkey news, you know, we've covered a lot of stuff.

There's sad, sad stuff, weren't they?

Yeah.

There's some funny stuff in there, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Do monkey news!

Football team.

A monkey football team?

Yeah, in

Costa Rica.

Oh, yeah.

Got all the team members there, right?

All the different things.

Little goalkeeper.

Apparently he's on transfers from some other club.

But the bit that got me attention is, apparently, he's a holder of PhD of physics.

Well, the goalkeeper.

Yeah, just the goalkeeper.

The others haven't done that much.

The others haven't done that much.

Well, I believe that he's got better exam results than you, Carl, but I don't believe he's got a PhD in physics.

Obviously.

Do you know what the name of the team is?

Oh,

so if the telegraph are listening, that is the sort of quality entertainment you get.

Where's the monkey news?

It's been a bit quiet, and it I've been in the last three months.

There was something that I found last week about

one that was in an old people's home.

It escaped from some zoo, it was wandering about, it was enjoying itself, and then when it got to the night time, it was like, oh.

What am I going to do?

And the first place it came across was like this old people's home.

Went in there.

I think it was there for about a week and a half without anyone realising.

No.

No, no, no.

No, no, it did.

So the helpers and the nurses and the social workers and the matrons and all that, they thought, well, Mr.

Sanders looks a bit hairy.

But I mean, that happens.

You know, he comes out of your ear and your nose when you get to about 70.

And he's stooped over.

Yeah, of course he has.

He's got bow legs.

Yeah.

And he eats more fruit.

Of course he does.

Well,

that's when they realised.

Why?

'Cause someone in the kitchen said, hang on a minute.

Getting through more bananas than we know.

What else you got?

Monkey news.

Well, let's do monkey news.

You want to do it now?

Yeah, we may as well have some monkey news.

Let's have some monkey news.

Let's do some monkey news.

You made enough noise there, really.

You want to?

Sorry, but it's sometimes I like to move around, lounge, and that, and at the mic.

Sure.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, let's have the jingle.

We've not heard it for a while.

Oh, chimpanzees that monkey news, you f.

Right.

I haven't read this through properly so far.

No, no, no.

I'm doing Zoom.

Right.

What do you mean you haven't read it through properly?

Basically, right?

It's about problems with chat rooms and that, right?

A lot of people, it's like the new way of meeting people and that, innit now, chat rooms.

You get on there, you can.

Right, if you say someone was having a meeting with someone, they were going to meet.

I'm not going to drive it to appropriate meetings.

There is not an animal in the world that doesn't quite understand.

I know the story.

You said you said the the divorce.

Did they get mails three months later?

Do you realise, oh, there's a lot of bananas gone from my fridge?

This is what an awful lot of people are.

I want a divorce.

This is what an awful lot of damage is.

You say that monkeys can do Shakespeare if they're given the time.

No, that's not it.

Let's not get into that division.

It's a philosophical conundrum.

Please, let's not get into that debate again.

It's about the

philosophy again.

So, this one, though.

So, this chat room, right?

And the thing is, with chat rooms,

you have like a big boss who's looking over it and making sure nothing dodgy is going on.

Right.

Right?

So, certain keywords come up and.

Is that Dr.

Zayas?

Right?

So, anyway,

they were looking over it, trying to look for dodgy stuff, but they kept coming over like really strange things.

Like, instead of saying, Do you want to meet in a restaurant or bar?

Right, it'd be like, Do you want to meet in a tree?

What tree do you want to meet in a tree?

Right, okay.

Are you sure you know?

That's the end.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

I'm just gonna listen to the end of it.

You're an idiot.

You're an idiot if you believe that shit, honestly.

No, I'm just telling you what's online.

Let's hear the rest of it.

You're nearly.

You're ill.

You're nearly.

Okay, well, I don't want the PC term for this, so I really apologise.

You're nearly retarded in some aspects.

Instead of sort of saying, wear something sexy, they'd say, make sure you bring plenty of bananas.

Right, you're talking absolute.

Okay.

Are you making up the monkey news now?

Because you can't find it anymore.

And instead of saying, should we get married?

They're saying, how swollen and red is your ass?

You stupid fool.

No, that was me.

Have we got monkey news?

Have we left monkey news behind?

Monkey news!

Come on!

What happened?

You can't offend monkeys.

I'll tell you what is annoying.

Steve's told me about a film that is about a monkey going off with a woman.

The Charlotte Rampling thing, where she's a film called Max Monomura.

Yeah, she has an affair with a monkey.

Gone.

What happened?

You wouldn't like it.

You wouldn't like it.

You wouldn't like it.

It's not like it's.

It's weird and you wouldn't.

Carl, it's not like a nature programme where he wears a bowler hat and can talk.

Okay.

The nature programmes that you seem to see.

Yes, I've got to think I haven't seen that one.

No, yeah.

Come on.

Do monkey news.

Well, monkey news this week.

Oh, Chimpanzee that monkey news, you fff.

Right, it's about this monkey that was knocking about in the 1950s.

Right.

Just

known in the LA area.

Right.

And apparently.

Again, I haven't really checked all this out.

I've just picked up bits that look interesting.

Wore a golden mask and like a cape and a leopard skin belt and stuff, right?

So people didn't know that he was a monkey.

Of course they didn't know, yeah.

He just thought they thought he was this bloke who's going around and he was helping out crime situations and stuff.

Right, you're an idiot.

So one, this disguise, that you see a three-foot-six bloke with arms the length of his body.

No, well that's the funny thing, right?

They knew, they sort of thought, it's a bit odd, you know, he's stocky, yet extremely flexible.

yeah, and hairy because he only wore a white mask and a belt and a distinctive jawline and stuff.

And then, uh, right, apparently, like, he used to sort of get to his

nothing.

We say get through, does it?

You've you've you've decided you can pitch this month and go around solving crimes, and

let him finish the story, time's running in.

So, it sort of gets to its crime by like swinging from the trees and cutting wood, right?

But people just thought it's a normal fella,

of course.

Then, what happened was he this is the bit that's going to annoy me, isn't it?

helped some fellas out, like, you know, and for a reward for a reward, they were like, Do you want some money?

You know, you've you've helped save our lives during a crime and stuff.

Do you want some money in that?

And he just went straight for the shopping bags, got a couple of bananas and apples, right?

And as he was bent down, looking into the bag, getting the bananas and apples, they pulled his mask off, little monkey.

So he wasn't allowed to work for the police anymore?

It ended there.

Sure.

Well, no.

They got rid of monkey news.

Is there no monkey news?

No, it's gone on this week.

Don't talk to you.

There must be some monkey news.

It's not like it's real news.

You tell us stories about chimps from the 18th century.

Don't give me nothing happened this week.

You just didn't look at the internet.

Dead look.

And there's no news.

Nothing happened.

There was one little bit of monkey news about

how you can now buy tea that's been picked by little chimps because it...

Because it tastes good.

That's what they're saying.

Right.

Why does it taste good?

What do they do to it?

I don't know.

It just annoyed me.

Is it those chips from the PG tips?

Well, that's that one.

Are they dressed up having funny conversations?

Everyone made a fuss about, you know, that's cruel, making them pick a piano up.

Yeah.

If I was a chimp, I know what job I'd prefer.

Sure.

Do you know what I mean?

Doing removals rather than standing in the field picking tea and that.

I love the fact that he probably thought that was a documentary.

He only thought:

a trailer for a Channel 4 programme.

Right, haven't got long.

You better give the the winner.

We've got monkey news coming up.

We haven't really got any monkey news.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

There's nothing going on, seriously.

Don't talk

about a few weeks haven't you?

But don't drink, no, no, that I...

Right, right.

This really annoys me when you say there's nothing going on.

Because you call it monkey news, but it's not monkey news.

You have stories, dubious stories, but shut up a minute about chibs.

It's always chibs, which annoys me.

You call it monkey, because they're apes, right?

And it's often from the 18th century.

So it's not news anyway.

So don't tell me there's no monkey news this week.

is, if there's monkey news worth doing, I'll know about it.

And there isn't anything, so let's leave it.

Right, okay, you are gonna give me some monkey news.

Okay, well, I'll tell you, I'm telling you, you are gonna give me some monkey news, or we're not leaving.

Right, well, my mum sent me some.

Right, right.

I got a little letter from her doing the usual sort of stuff, telling me what she's been up to, and that.

It was a little thing about

somewhere in Lincolnshire or something.

Right, could you

do a bit of monkey throwing?

what do you mean because some fella got attacked by one once and sort of to remember him on this certain day they go oh it was today wasn't it and that fella got attacked by a little monkey and that and the uh

something about chucking monkeys about that's horrible i don't know if they're real i think it's just like to remember all right but that's that's the only sort of stuff that's knocking about out there but it's not that what that's not my mum and dad on it looking all the time

there must be more monkey news than that.

There isn't nothing going.

I mean there's there's bits and pieces.

There was a bit about Donna,

how when she has a kid, she's gonna let a gorilla look after it for a week or something.

But apart from that, it's it's dead out there.

Well, I don't know what that means.

She's uh well that's it.

Well it's not true.

She's not gonna let a gorilla look after a job.

She is apparently a a fella works with him or something.

And uh

this is rubbish.

It's not rubbish.

How can she let a gorilla look after a baby for a week?

Well forget it's a.

Have you ever heard her speak?

I showed those looking, people send monkey news all the time for Carl, and I showed him one earlier which said there's a new monkey hospital that's been opened.

Carl was a human being.

For the treatment of monkeys, right?

But he immediately thought it was run by monkeys in white coats.

Did he really?

Yes, and he was disappointed because it wasn't.

He was assuming there'd be little janitors.

Is that what you said?

Yeah, little janitors mopping up.

Carl.

Little chimps with the ECG machines, whatever they're called.

Yeah, exactly.

Brilliant.

He was almost angry.

Yeah.

Disappointed with it.

And what's this about Donna

giving her baby to a gorilla for a week?

It happened.

No, it didn't happen.

She had a baby.

They went on the honeymoon.

They left it to a little gorilla to look at it.

Don't talk!

Absolutely.

Don't talk.

Oh, again, there's people online now, so they can have a look at Ananova.

Do you want to give her

some stuff away?

Do you have some.

He believes it, and that's it.

But the more these things sort of like pop up and come true, wor the more worrying it is.

The more worrying it is for everyone.

I imagine if Donner Air had left her baby to a gorilla.

It's absolute.

It's libelous, you saying that.

It's libelous.

It's not.

Well, someone will send it in in a bit and then you'll feel daft again.

So I'm not even worrying about it.

Okay.

So that's pretty much that.

Is there time for monkey news?

I think we've got to have monkey news.

And then that second track from the Ryan Adams.

Let's go with the jingle there if we can.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Right.

Now,

it was back in the 1980s.

Right.

So it is quite topical then.

When did this happen then?

1980s?

Yeah.

It's about a

Colombian F1

sort of

Formula One driver.

Apparently these races were going on.

Right.

And

someone kept winning them.

Right, okay.

Forget it.

Forget it.

No, don't do it.

Because it's rubbish.

Right, so someone kept winning the races.

So,

this

someone, this human, that kept winning the race.

So, this human being that kept winning the races, Carl, what was his name?

His name is Jimmy something.

Yeah.

How tall is he?

Well, something just told me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what's your story?

You might find out if I tell you the story.

Right?

Go on.

So, anyway, he kept winning, and everyone was like, oh, he's brilliant, this guy, who is he?

And all that.

But his gimmick

was

never showing his body and face.

Never took his helmet off.

You are an idiot.

No, I took his helmet off, right?

You know the short trousers he used to wear?

You know, his trousers were about a foot long, but his shirt...

The sleeves are really long.

Anyway, right, so because he wouldn't take his helmet off,

he was taking part in the F3, which is like the lower ranks of Formula One.

Just get to it.

Just get to it.

Everyone thought it was like a famous driver who's taking part in that.

Just get to being a monkey.

Anyway, what happened was there was a crash one day.

Yeah.

And the car tipped over, everyone's like, oh.

He ran up a tree.

They were expecting when he ran away with the ambulance, people up a tree and started eating a banana.

So the marshals ran over, and the ambulance people were there, and they were about to take his helmet off, and the marshal was like, Don't take his helmet off.

They give away the secret that he's on.

He gave away the secret and that.

Yeah, chimp.

Yeah.

Took his helmet off.

Jimmy Chimp.

Jimmy Chimpers.

Little monkey under there.

No, definitely not.

Okay, let's play Ryan Alamo.

Did he survive?

Let me just cover questions.

Did he survive?

Yeah, he did.

Yeah,

he was allowed to keep all the awards that he won.

but he wasn't allowed to take part in any other races.

Yeah, didn't happen.

This is Ryan Adams.

We'll see you next week.

Play the jingle.

Oh!

What is it?

Chimpanzee that.

Oh, yeah.

Chimpanzee that!

Monkey news!

Right, well, the last one of the year.

It's not that good, but this is all that's been going on all week.

Yeah.

Little monkey.

What happened is it's this plane, right?

Air afloat, I think it is, Russian airline.

Having a good flight, everything's going normal and that.

This is going going to be live with us.

The pilot, so I mustn't interrupt myself.

How tall was the pilot on this flight?

Okay, listen, we've had a few complaints, people saying don't interrupt,

okay, don't interrupt me.

Okay, I'll work through it.

It's like the weather girl complaining whilst Trevor McDonald's doing that.

Okay, all right.

Go on then.

Go on in.

Alright, so

the flight's going well.

Food's been served and all the rest of it.

Anyway,

someone gets upset about not having many nuts.

Right, they've not got their nuts.

They hand the nuts out on that.

One of the sort of passengers is going mental.

What's he saying?

He's just saying that.

What language is he talking?

Is he Russian or English?

So, anyway, there's a bit of a fight going on.

Stuff fight starts happening.

People are going, what's up with that little fella?

The little hairy boke.

So they decided to drop.

What's wrong with Bob Oskins?

And why is he screaming?

Why isn't he talking in his usual cockney accent?

Why is Bob Oskins screaming and grabbing at nuts?

So,

you've ruined it.

Come on, come on, forget it.

Why

Right, Rick, turn his microphone off.

I can't interrupt you.

Right.

So, anyway, so there's a fight going on.

Nots are going everywhere, right?

So, um,

anyway, so they managed to tie him down, they get him on the floor, tie his legs up, and that, right?

His little legs.

Get him to the get him to

see you later.

Have a good Christmas.

No, come on, how dare you?

Finish the story.

All that happened is they got back.

Uh it turned out that he shouldn't have been on the plane anyway.

Why?

His passport wasn't valid.

Right.

Um,

and And you can't cause problems on planes and that.

So he got put in a cell for a bit, turned out it was a little monkey.

Quick question.

How did he complain about the shortage of nuts?

Yeah.

He just was going mental.

Right, he didn't actually call over a stewardess.

He just said.

Well, how did he get on the plane in the first place?

What ticket did he have?

Have a good Christmas and that.

But you know it's rubbish.

You must know that's rubbish.

You must know that's rubbish.

All the best.

You must know that's rubbish.

Where is he going?

Excellent man.

Monkey news.

We might as well leave it.

No, come on.

Come on, tell monkey news.

No, it's nothing that great, really.

Is it worth playing the jingle?

Quickly?

Go on then.

Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news!

Right, it's about a monkey.

It's about this woman monkey who was born in 1834.

Right?

Half monkey, half woman.

No.

Not true.

It happened, apparently.

It was in the Daily Mail.

Right?

Okay.

A Victorian Ape Woman was her name.

Yeah, I christened this

thing Victorian Ape Woman.

Well, we thought Sandra.

No, I'm calling it Victorian Ape Woman.

She was about four foot.

No, didn't happen.

She had lovely thick black hair on her head and on the back of her legs.

And

so stockings.

Let's have a look.

And she didn't need a bustle because of a huge ape-like arse sticking out of the back of her dress.

She was good at reading and sewing.

Well, well, it was good because they didn't have opposable thumbs.

She could speak three languages.

Yes.

Human, monkey, and monkey-human.

Twenty offers of marriage.

Does that annoy you, Steve?

Ah, absolute twaddle.

That's more rubbish than your soul weighing an ounce.

The Victorian monkey weighing out.

See you next week with some more twaddle.

I was worried we wouldn't have the old magic in 2004, but we're still talking shit.

Merry New Year.

Right, well, uh, we're running out of time here.

Yeah, we had Carl winning a little film, but I think we've really got time for monkey news, you know?

Yeah.

What are you thinking, Carl?

Yeah, if you wanna do that?

Yeah, let's do monkey news.

Alright, hear the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee that, monkey news.

Uh, right, there's this monkey, right?

Oh, yeah.

I think his name was number six or number seven or something, right, in this in this lab.

Right?

And uh, anyway, it's in there.

Away with like, you know, the rabbits and little mice and stuff like that.

And uh

the nurse, right?

The nurse, not well, not the nurse, the the woman who works in the lab.

What would you call her?

A nurse?

Depends.

What what depends what her job was?

If she was a lab assistant, you call her a lab assistant.

I mean they probably call her by her name.

Right, lab assistant, right?

So uh so she's

probably Kirsty.

Kirstie Morris.

Well she's in there, right?

Yeah.

And she don't work with many people on that, she's mainly on her own with, you know, just putting lipstick on rabbits and stuff like that, right?

Chim Fantasy?

So uh

Chim Fantasy, she's putting on lipstick, Chim Fantasy legs.

He gets Pally,

right, with this woman.

Because, you know,

it gets to a point when she sees him every day.

That's the way he tries to string out it.

Like, it's a narrative love story.

The chimp put his hand out and grabbed her, and then you're thinking that he made a move on her.

So, like, he's allowed to ask.

He's allowed out of the cage and whatever, yeah.

So, um, he's wandering about, and as time goes on, he's watching what she's doing more and more.

So he notices like the code on the door, right?

Whatever, 247 or whatever.

And he goes, right, I've clocked that, I've got that, I'll remember that, right?

And then he goes, right, there's a lot of lipstick and that knocking about a lot of makeup.

Right, okay.

No, no, there's no way.

No, because Steve, you know what's going to happen.

I know what's going to happen.

So he's there.

It's going to make it.

And he's going, well, if it's there, you know what I mean?

So while she's messing about with the rabbit, he gets there, he's in front of the mirror, putting a little bit of lippy on.

Here you are!

No!

I know!

It's gone too far!

No, it's gone too far, Steve.

Your mic's off, Rick.

He's finishing the story.

Turn mine off as well.

It's looking pretty good.

I didn't mention the mascara.

It's looking alright.

So it knows the code on the door, 247.

So when she's sort of messing about with a rabbit, right?

He goes, right, right.

So it knows the code on the door, 247.

So when she's sort of messing about with the rabbit, right, he goes, right, here's my chance.

He's looking good, two, four, seven, out the door, watch a man's there, he's like, Alright, Kirsty, right?

Let's not talk shit!

Alright, well, this is the final one.

Play the jingle.

Oh, chickpansy, that monkey news, you

right.

Well, uh,

this monkey news story, right?

It's about uh this fella, a couple of fellas in Texas,

sort of

running a farm.

They're definitely fellas.

Well, I'll talk to those.

Okay, they aren't human beings.

These two are human beings.

Time's against us.

They're running this farm and that.

And anyway, so they're outside getting the cattle.

And he turns around, right?

He says, that cow's.

A couple of monkeys walking about.

So he knows what's going on.

So anyway, so it's in Texas.

They don't know what to do with the monkeys.

There isn't a zoo.

It's fairly barren there, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

Not much going about.

So the other fellow who runs the farm with him said, look, we need a bit of an hand.

Right?

So I said, let's teach them some stuff.

And the monkeys were happy with that because they were lost anyway, right?

So they had a lot of things.

That's the thing to do.

They were roaming around.

They were looking for work.

They'd hide a motorhome.

They'd get out of their way.

Maybe it's like the whole

Bruce Banner wandering around going, I need some work.

You won't get angry, will you?

So anyway, right?

So

they taught these monkeys how to ride a horse.

They've both got a...

So

Charlie and Eston's not going to pop up.

Are you sure you weren't watching a video last night and thought it was a documentary?

They've both got a horse each, right?

They've been given like a little lasso and all that.

Oh, don't talk shit, Carl.

Anyway, it's going well, and it carried on for about two years, this, right?

It's like, you know, r rounding up the cattle every day and all that.

So, um,

the two fellas are chatting going, it's worked out well, isn't it?

Well, if there's a hostile takeover and they sort of like buy up 51% of the shares,

for this to continue, the monkeys are getting old a bit now.

We need uh we need a little woman woman monkey in here to sort of get some kids going for future farm people.

Four McLean, yeah.

So they get a little woman monkey in there.

They decided to only hire a monkey to manage.

Why not?

It's working.

Why mess with something when it's not broke?

So they get the little woman monkey in.

They have kids and all that business, right?

But the problem was, right, when they first got the woman monkey in, it was like, well, which one's going to have the woman?

So they started sort of fighting a bit and what have you.

Because they'd seen the owners of the farm.

They'd like to be able to do that.

Don't tell me the baby monkeys didn't want to go into the family business won't enough to be a lawyer.

They had a bit of a shoot-off.

Shut up.

They got two monkeys, right?

Don't tell me.

Because they'd seen the owners.

They'd seen the owners with guns and whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds funny.

So

they had a bit of a shoot-off.

Yeah.

That's how they sorted it out.

And who won?

I think it was George.

The one called George.

Right.

So I think they had 17 kids.

The farm's still running.

So that's like the last little monkey used there.

Good looking.

Ricky the end to that one.

If you were to rub your nipple against his lips while I held him down.

Alright, come off, Rick now.

Come on.

No, I'm not.

Thunder root.

Last round on this and then

you're gonna be good.

You can check this all out on the webcam.

I thought I got my fingers.

Get his arm out of the way.

Get the arm out the way.

Pick them.

Mary's breast sweetie.

So good.

Just talking to the finale, it's uh it's monkey news, obviously.

Well, I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news, yeah.

Oh,

there isn't.

Uh, I've been away, haven't I?

Oh.

There's been no monkey news.

You can't get.

No, no, but I haven't had a proper chance to sort of, you know.

Carl, your monkey news is of spurious tales from the 17th century sometimes.

So let's have one of those.

Let's have a monkey who dressed as Zorro and they thought he was a woodsman, but when they took his head off, he was only a four-foot hairy chimp.

Let's have one of those ridiculous stories.

Well, we've done that, though.

But do you want to go back on some of the ones that you're going to have to do?

Oh, just what is the monkey news?

There must have been some monkey news this week.

The only thing that sort of stood out.

Do you know, like, they're having problems.

You're just making this up.

Where's your information?

Where's the piece of paper?

Where's the document?

What is this?

Because I've been away, so I haven't got anything wrong.

Listen to this.

But it's bare enough when he's reading it, he gets it wrong.

When he's just riffing, it's going to be absolute twaddle.

Let's hear it out.

Right, do you know, like, they're having problems getting new

people to be policemen?

Oh, fuck.

Go on.

They've uh, in America, they're taking them on to

sort of join the SWAT team.

They've taken what on?

Some little monkeys.

Okay.

Given them walkie-talkies and all that.

And well, they can't talk.

They're just walkies.

Yeah, they're giving them some walkies.

What do you mean?

Being given commands and that.

And they're good at that.

Well, so it's one way.

They tell them they've got the little thing strapped to them.

They're good at like getting into small,

you know, small places and that, and

sort of, you know, cracking stuff and all that.

Like I say, it's just half a story I just picked up on.

That's not a story.

But what do you want?

Monkey news!

And what we what is it time?

I think so.

Yeah.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Right then, so uh there's this monkey right

in Canada, it's in a zoo in uh

Toronto I think it is.

Um his name's Pascal

right and uh what happened was all the the people in the zoo uh

sort of said, you know, what can we do?

Uh sort of spice the day off a bit.

So they left embellishing no way this is a new story.

So they left.

Any dates?

Just let him read the news.

I'll look for more rescuers.

No, because she always says today,

so you know it's news.

She doesn't say, right, there was a monkey, right?

Well, in Canada, right?

Just finished it.

We're on it.

A couple of weeks ago, in this zoo in Canada,

they got a camcorder.

Right.

And they said, let's leave it for

the monkey to have a play with.

So

anyway, they passed it around.

One of BAFTA.

And a couple of chimps and that were rubbish at it.

They were like filming the floor and all that.

And the fingers were always in shot and stuff like that.

But anyway, there was this one chimp called Pascal.

Annoys me that he calls them monkeys though.

They're not monkeys.

They're apes.

He was a dab hand at it.

He was like

filming stuff.

Really good shots, you know, sort of nice nude and that.

He used the lighting properly and all the rest of it.

No, he didn't.

This is the news.

What are you talking about?

This is the news.

Oh, Steve, it's so annoying.

You know, it annoys me so much.

Things like that.

He was a dab under, he was doing really good shots.

It really annoys me.

Let's hear that.

Anyway, right, so he started

at night, like when the zookeepers went home, he started filming other monkeys on the go, like, like, whilst they were at it, right?

And he was filming them and what have you.

The Ron Jeremy of the Zoo.

You know, it's going to end up on the web.

So anyway, the zookeepers came in the next day, and it's like, let's see what shots he's got.

Anyway, he's got all this, like, you know, all these monkeys at it, and what have you.

So, this is, honestly,

you don't know what this is doing to me, Steve.

Can I stop him now?

So, they thought, like, actually, there's a few monkeys who aren't at it enough.

Do you know what I mean?

They have problems or what have you, so let's give them the videos.

That is so untrue.

This is so untrue.

It's so untrue that it was filmed by a monkey.

It's so untrue.

Rick, I don't know who to believe.

Oh, God, you're talking so much shit again.

You must know that's not true.

There's no way.

I put a load of tapes out on that.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Don't keep talking.

Look at me.

You must know that's not true.

Can we just feel that you're the end of this teacher?

You had to go at me last week because I didn't have the full story.

I've got the full story.

You're still not happy.

There is no way that by chance.

One, all this, oh, what should we do?

Let's give him a camcorder.

That could happen.

He then films him at it.

That might happen.

It might happen, but I don't think he'd keep the camera still.

And two, they go, hold on, no, yeah, this is good.

This is good shit.

This porn's good shit.

Anyway, look at that.

He's got a lovely shot, yeah, yeah.

So this is ridiculous.

Let me just recap, because I lost my way there.

So the monkey has filmed the monkey porn, and now they're showing it to the other monkeys.

Is he directing it?

Do you hear him saying stuff?

It's like, you know, chimpimp one, two, and three and all the rest of it, right?

But anyway, so they've got all these other tapes, because what happened was,

they said he's quite good at this.

Oh!

And what?

And the animals are happy having him around because he's not a human, he's just one of the gang.

Do you know what I mean?

So they started putting him in with other things like, you know, ostriches, right?

Shit.

And do you know they have a problem with pandas in Japan?

They've sent him out there

filming a bit of.

Where are you going?

Honestly,

you really annoy me.

There's no way this is happening.

It's just here at the end.

Why can't he just find a real story about

a monkey?

Let's hear him.

At the end,

he's going to China.

He's filming the pandas and whatever.

No, he's not.

They wouldn't send a monkey director!

They would not send a monkey director!

So, listen, it's time, isn't it?

We've only got a few minutes left, so you better play the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news.

So, monkey news, if you've only just started listening to the show.

Oh, you poor fool.

Monkey News is where Carl reports for us all the latest monkey activity.

A headline or a word or someone, someone, someone he overheard in a pub, and then totally embellishes it and makes it ridiculous and impossible.

He believes it though.

He believes every word he's saying.

Let me say that before you hear, when you hear this, whatever it is, I haven't heard it, twaddle.

Remember, Carl totally believes it.

Go on.

Right, so anyway, right, I think it's in

LA this happened.

I think.

What does he think?

So these people are in a restaurant having a lovely meal.

Is one of them short and hairy, but totally covered from top to bottom in a spacesuit so he didn't know it was a monkey.

It's not one of the customers, one of the waiters?

So they're having a lovely dinner, probably one of the best sort of dinners they've had, right?

So, the waiter comes over and it's like, you know, can we just say I've had a lovely meal and that?

Right, it's the chef.

Because it is.

Can we see the chef?

Yeah.

So,

can we just, you know, see, see the guy who cooked it?

Of course.

Short fellow, hairy.

So,

to be honest,

the waiter said, Look, it's busy, you know, he's got meals to cook and what have you.

He hadn't really got time.

He says, It only took a minute.

He says, No, I prefer, you know.

So, this is a restaurant in LA that serves brilliant food.

I'll pass your message on and what have you, right?

So, um,

so he sends for uh monkey POY.

So it's a bit off, anyway.

So, so they go up, so they go out,

they go out to the car, and they notice the uh the kitchen doors open, yeah, yeah.

Of course they do, because they're going to discover something that I don't know.

So they just discover, and on this, just out of interest, this uh, where's this um chef train before before we see him or reveal you know what he might look like or like to eat?

Yeah, um, um, so anyway, so uh, so they pop their head in and think, we'll just we'll just nip in and go you know love love love fruit salad or whatever.

So they stick to the house.

We better see the human chair.

You never guess what.

Go on.

A monkey stood on a chair, right, cooking veg.

Right, so anyway, so they're like, what's going on there?

What do you mean he's cooking veg?

What is he doing with it?

Well he's he's stood on a chair by the by the cooker and he's uh chopping stu chopping stuff.

Oh he says he's chopping as well no, he's not like that isn't it yeah it's got a little uh you know d i he's got the the bosses in there, they're like a bit shocked.

So he's a bit panicking because he's got this monkey working for him.

So they say to him, what's going on?

We didn't know this is what's going on.

Why have you got a monkey cooking stuff?

So he said, well, this is.

There was a monkey, I should point out, who probably doesn't need instructions from its girlfriend.

Oh, forget it.

Play the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Right.

There's this monkey, right?

Yeah.

And it had been.

Do you know you hear about monkeys being badly treated and stuff like that?

Yeah.

So anyway, it goes into this home.

It's 14, this monkey.

It's called Matty, right?

Goes into this home where it's looked after.

How much mean home?

Just like just a little monkey home, right?

Okay, so,

yeah, but they haven't got any other monkeys there, right?

What have they got there?

They've got just other animals and that, but not that many monkeys.

But anyway, because he's there on his own, again, you know.

When you say monkey, do you mean the chimpanzee by the way because you usually do yeah

i can't believe that um journalist thought this was scripted

so uh so anyway yeah so it gets it gets sort of pally with the people working there and that and uh it's smoking fags it's having a drink at night and all this right what do you mean it's having a drink at night it's all here it's all here steve i mean we haven't really got time but

it's all here like it's proof you've got another stupid story that someone has put onto the internet someone sitting at home in their bedroom has put onto the internet So it's over the bag, it's drinking a lovely glass of Bangrock Station.

The wine that's perfect for a barbecue.

Anyway, it's loving life.

It's forgetting about its past and everything, right?

When this other monkey comes along.

Oh, no.

Come on, brilliant.

Go on.

That comes in.

Something's said.

Right, forget it then.

Forget it, forget it, brother.

Okay, let's play the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee, see that?

Monkey news.

Right, this uh this happened in uh Pittsburgh, right?

Uh there was a rock band

and uh

it's sort of they've got this studio in in Pittsburgh and what have you and they're laying down tracks and stuff like that.

And in the in the studio that they use, right, there's this uh this monkey works there.

I don't know, he throws that in, like

like he throws that in, this monkey works there.

No, it's just got a little gig there, he sort of uh it carries the equipment in, guitars.

He doesn't.

He does.

No, he doesn't.

He just sort of cleans up after the bands.

No, he doesn't.

Emptying the ashtrays.

Doesn't that?

He does that.

That's the gig it's got.

Anyway, right.

Gets women out of the crowd that they want to go resilient with one arm.

Drag them back.

So, anyway, right, so the band's in the studio.

And one of the band members brings some A ⁇ R fella to the studio to have a listen to the latest track.

So they hit play, and

they're all there going, yeah, brilliant, this is good.

Anyway, so the fella says, yeah, I like the track.

I especially like the bass on it.

This is bullshit.

This is rubbish.

And they haven't laid down a bass on it.

So this is, have you heard it?

So they know the bass.

Please don't do that.

The AR fella goes, and it's like

the band members have stood about and they're going, that's good that he liked it.

And I'm saying, yeah, but what's he all about with the bass?

No, this is rubbish.

This is absolute rubbish.

Where did you get this from, please?

Because we never get to chime in this game.

This is absolute nonsense.

So they played it back.

Yeah, and it's the chimp playing bass.

Definitely not.

So they were like, that's weird.

We haven't got a bassist.

Anyway, so they go, well, whatever, right?

We haven't got a bassist.

So they go, whatever, let's go on.

Forget it.

Okay.

Right.

Oh, chimpanzee, see that?

Monkey news.

Right, there's this card game going on

in in the uh

a big hotel in uh in Vegas, right, right, the Lux Luxor Hotel in Vegas.

Yeah, uh, there's a major card game, all the all the big players and that

were uh were involved, right?

They're all invited.

Anyway, so they all uh they all meet up in this dark room at the back of the

dark room, but hairy fella.

So it was brilliant at Pocas.

Yeah, so it's a it's a big game and that everyone's been waiting for it.

So it's played in the back room, not in the main entrance bit, right?

So, anyway, like I say, it's dark in there and what have you.

And the players went in.

There was already someone sat in there, right?

Right.

But the short bloke couldn't quite see him.

Was it a short, hairy bloke with slightly longer arms than legs?

Couldn't see him.

Where are his arms slightly longer than his legs?

Holding his hand of cards with his feet.

Anyway.

So the cards were dealt, right?

Cards were dealt.

Games going on.

His cards with his feet.

Game went on for hours, right?

The terrible thing is that not even we're listening to Carl now.

Literally no one is listening.

There's a lot of smoking going on.

It's going on.

A lot of eating, a lot of eating and nuts going on.

That was a bit weird because they don't normally get through as many, but for this night.

So, um, come on, let's just play Bruce.

Goodbye, everybody.

See you maybe Christmas time.

Goodbye.