Guide To... S2E7 "Comic Relief" (March 6, 2011)

Saint Francis of Assisi once said, Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance.

Acts of human charity have been documented since the beginning of recorded history, yet even now in the most democratic and economically advanced nations, charity is still necessary.

Does this mean that charitable acts are failing to effect meaningful change?

Should charity even be the responsibility of individual citizens, or is it the obligation of government?

Do hand outs make people lazy and dependent instead of resourceful and responsible for their own livelihoods?

Is it every man for himself or are we all in this together?

To discuss these questions and more, I'm joined by Stephen Merchant, award-winning writer and graduate of the University of Warwick.

Hello.

And Carl Pilkinton.

Fuck gonk.

So.

Red nose day comic relief has come round again.

Yeah, um red nose day is obviously the very specific date in the calendar for the whole generic term comic relief, I think.

It's normally when the telecast happens.

Yes.

People know that that's the day when they can dress up, do charitable acts.

But of course, comic relief is a charity that's working all the time for disenfranchised all over the world.

And you can go to the website all year round, which is comicrelief.com.

I think there's also rednoseday.com, which is if you particularly want to donate for this year's appeal.

Have you always been a strong champion of comic relief, Carl?

Not really.

Why was I expecting that answer?

But we're doing a bit of charity now, we're donating our time.

It's not much.

It's not costing us anything.

But I do loads of stuff without going on about it.

I don't think you should shout out about the bitch leafy charity, because then who are you doing it for?

Oh, exactly.

I mean, well, this is my thing, isn't it?

There's a lot of people that only do it if it's in the public eye.

It's to do it really to be a busybody or to show off or to feel good about themselves.

And I suppose that's good and bad.

I mean, if it gets you involved, if it does some good, my gift to the world has been you, Carl, to be quite honest.

I feel that you're the world's.

I'm sure there's people in Africa going, we prefer blankets.

Yeah.

Doing a wills charity, isn't it?

Is it?

Sort of.

I mean,

if you make a donation to a charity within the will, I suppose that's quite charitable.

But just giving money to your relatives isn't, is it?

Of course it is.

Well, it shouldn't.

It can't sell it for nothing, but it's, I don't know.

It's giving something away that you have no use for.

Exactly.

Yeah, but forget that.

It's someone is getting something when they've done nothing for it, really.

Well, I suppose it is charity, but charity is usually infused with some sort of altruism.

It's usually to do with

giving a piece of something that is kindly because you could do with it.

I mean, not strictly.

I think you can give away something you don't need, but it's hardly donating a kidney, is it?

Or some of your wages.

It's like it's not charity on your part because you're literally not around anymore.

So it's no longer you giving it.

It's just somebody else.

But I could either give it them or not give it them.

Once I'm dead and I've turned to mush, I shouldn't be worrying about Suzanne's mum getting a table

without me leaving her.

Well, I've called up my dad first.

Why are you doing a wheel for the show?

Because of this travel thing, thing you're doing, and it can get dangerous, you know.

But why have you done a wheel up to now?

Because you sort of, I don't know, I felt sort of young and free.

Whereas now.

I've never, that's number or two words I've associated with Carl.

He's always seemed like a man who's in his late 50s.

Yeah, but I've certainly never the idea that you're free.

Even if we're just talking about the head alone,

it's the head of a late 50s.

Free of hair?

Yeah, totally free of fucking hair.

I'm sort of getting on first name terms with my doctor.

Oh, really?

Chatting more.

Oh, what is it this time?

How's your middle finger?

Not too bad, Carl.

All that sort of thing.

So it's just made me think.

Have you had that done for the will, by the way, for insurance?

I think you have needed any for a will.

I think you do.

There's nothing on prostate exam.

No.

Listen, for insurance purposes, I think you need to have

a testicular exam for testicular cancer.

You're just leaving the high-risk

testicular cancer, actually, and you're entering the high-risk for prostate.

And you can have both at the same time.

You could have both

at the same time.

If he's a very dexterous doctor,

I wouldn't want that.

Why?

Too much like.

It's just too much going on.

It's like someone juggling you.

Yeah.

It's like being examined by Squiddy Diddley.

And so you said you called up your dad?

Called him up.

I said, is there anything you want

if I die?

Right.

And presumably, you know, Suzanne,

she's getting the lion's share.

She is.

But then the fellow who was on the end of the phone talking us through it all was going, oh, you should get married.

I was was going, oh, shut up.

He's saying, well, it makes things a lot easier when it comes to this.

And it's like, well, that isn't a reason to get married, is it?

Well, so she can have all my stuff.

I said, I've wrote on the bit of paper that she can have it.

I'm not bothered.

What did you wrote?

What did you wrote?

You know, that

whatever we've got, she can have.

Yeah, right.

That's fine.

That's as good as a

marriage, then it's.

But it's something about tax.

If you're not married, you have to hand over more.

Well, she'll get, yeah, I suppose if it's money, she'll pay tax, net.

Yeah.

I think you get so much, and then it's like ridiculous tax rate.

Yeah, but she's going, that's why we should get married.

I'm going to be paying tax.

I'm going, hang on a minute.

She's already like thinking about money loss instead of me disappearing.

Yeah.

She's going, yeah, we should.

And I'm saying, look, you'll be getting a load of money.

I said, if I die on this programme anyway, I'm insured.

You'll be getting about a million pounds for that.

Yeah.

I said, so that's that's something you haven't got now.

Yeah.

You've got nowhere near that now.

I said, so even if you have to pay tax on that,

I don't think it'd be right to get married just in case I get killed.

Well, you are married, aren't you, Ridic?

Well, then you must get the paperwork.

No, because then everyone wants a party.

No, that's not a party could go to the bathroom.

You should be doing

honestly.

People start going, Oh, you should do this, and no, it's not a proper wedding unless you do that.

Have your two sets of parents met?

No.

That'd be good, would it?

Well, I suppose it's the reason to, innit?

At least if you're getting married, there's a reason for them to meet.

At the moment, there's no reason for them to meet.

They'd get on each other's nerves.

My dad wouldn't get on with a man.

Why?

Just wouldn't.

She doesn't like me, so she won't like my dad.

Because he's just an exaggerated version.

So

I think

it doesn't need to happen.

But you could just knit down the registry office, get it done, done and dusted, and you just phone up your folks and say, it's already happened to you.

I said that.

I said, listen, if we had to do it, I said, if it was like we've got to do it for some reason,

I said, I'd do that.

We can have it done by two.

You can be back in work for three.

Because at the end of the day, there's no other, there's no, you know, we've known each other for years.

We're not going to suddenly turn into some sort of Tom Ang's Med Ryan film just because we've got married.

It's going to be the same.

Exactly the same.

Except she'd want a joint bank account or something.

That's the only other thing.

That would probably change, and I don't like the idea of that.

Why?

Just, I like to know what's going on.

There's enough people sticking their hand in my account, charity-wise and all that, without an extra hand going in.

Who happens to be the love of your life?

I'm not moaning about it.

I'm just saying it works the way it is.

You hear about people getting married, and it doesn't last.

Adds extra pressure.

What pressure is it going to add?

It's not going to add any pressure.

I suppose that you resent the fact that the only reason you'd be getting married is because she gets your money after your death tax-free.

What if you gave her a series of challenges so that she sort of earned the right to have that money?

It just keeps her on her toes.

Because whilst we're not married, it's easy to go, I'm sick of this.

So

it keeps her.

It keeps her on her toes.

It keeps us both sort of.

Because you're such a find, she's got to work hard to keep you, hasn't she?

You never do anything in order to sort of maintain this relationship, as far as I can tell.

I'm not saying you're not, you're a bad boy, but in terms of romantic Meg Ryan-type stuff,

you never do anything.

Me and Jane were out with them and Suzanne the other night, right?

At dinner, and honestly, he is so, so grumpy.

He was saying about uh

for Christmas, right?

He said, You've had a floor,

you've had a floor.

Now, what did that mean?

We had a new floor put in.

But how is that her floor?

Because she wanted it.

But you walk on it too.

I paid for it.

I don't understand what you want.

But don't you understand that, like,

you know, a romantic break or

clothes or perfumes, you know, sort of things that are kind of indulgent for a lady.

That's that's a gift.

Not a new floor.

That is like something that you give to some little African fella on Comic Relief.

In fact, I think I saw it once.

He didn't have a floor.

Exactly.

They built him a floor.

I remember watching it with you, and they gave him a new pair of shoes and the floor.

He went, hold on, floor or shoes, not both.

When that tsunami hit, and it was like a month after Christmas, they showed

that Britain had given £2 billion...

pounds, right?

He was going, that's enough.

He said, before, they were living in mud-utt, now there's an Arndale centre.

So you think charity is all right as long as people don't get above their station with charity?

I think it should be there as a little

booster.

Something's happened that they didn't expect.

They're all a bit in shock.

I don't think

they'll feel bad because all they ever seem to do, these countries that are struggling, they never give anything back.

Right.

They've always got their hand out.

Right.

And it's been like that since I was a kid.

Remember being a kid?

People knocking on the door, my mum going, don't look at the door, there's someone there.

And we'd just pretend we were.

Charity's dark at home, not at your home.

No, but because it's all the time.

I mean, my mum didn't like answering the door anyway.

Even if it was the pools, man, she'd sort of say, don't move, and he might not see that we're here.

So you just froze where man was at the door.

Well, you just because the front room was near the door, so people could see in.

Right.

So you just sort of stayed there and pretend that either you were in the room.

So, like, some sort of predator, like, they can't see if you don't move.

Even if he was peering in through the window and he could see you in there not moving so he looked through and there was three people just frozen right right like statues right just their eyes looking at him yeah and if confused they're clearly dead I'll move on

there's obviously been a gas leak

and did you did you say sitting or stand up or did you sort of like throw yourself down

we just sat we just sat on the you know where you were and you just stayed still but did he ever look in and see?

I don't know, because you didn't turn around, did you?

So you would pretend you couldn't hear the door?

It's the easiest.

Honestly, the amount of times people would come round, it's either.

It seemed to be the 80s, had a lot of it because it was all the Avon thing, wasn't it?

It was perfume, Tuberware.

What?

Tubberware.

Tupperware.

Yeah, the plastic boxes.

I won't be with his diet.

It's dishes for fat people.

Here we go.

Oh, these are big, good, they are.

They're for fat fuckers, like you tweet down some.

It was the pools, man.

Right.

Just a lot of charity stuff.

Just a lot.

It seemed to be the time, the 80s, that they suddenly found out they can sort of scave money off people.

Yeah, there's a lot of scaving.

So that's why we used to ignore the doors.

I just love this image of you.

Yeah, you're in the lounge.

You're having a little boogie as Christmas.

Someone's tapping on the glass.

Freeze.

They just go, well, we'll move on.

Yeah, good year for us.

Hammer time.

Silence.

Okay, right.

Let's do the scenario.

I'm at the door.

I can see you're in there.

Might as well come open the door.

Carl?

Carl, why are you staying so still?

Are you trying to avoid me?

It's working.

Carl, your eyes are moving.

Can you come to the door, please?

I suppose in the end, you've got to move.

Carl, no, I'm going to stay here.

I'm just going to stay here until you have to move.

Carl!

This is the most pointless podcast we've ever done.

Me shouting your name and you pretending not to be here.

Okay, and I'll move on then.

Right.

It works.

Yeah, it works perfectly.

Because once they've got you, that's the whole thing with charity.

Once they've stopped you in the street, if you've stopped, that's it.

Keeps on going.

You're handing something over.

I mean, the amount of times I've been stopped, I mean, the good thing now is you've got an iPod, so you can just either pretend you're on the phone or listen to music.

Or just stay very still.

Just freeze.

When someone says, Can I trouble me for.

Oh, he's totally frozen.

That would be amazing because they're normally in one spot, aren't they?

Yeah.

So it's just

a bit of a straightforward.

For seven hours.

hours.

It goes dark.

Well, I've finished my shift.

I'm off.

And then you just see, your eyes just see them walk away like that, and they all meet in their little tunics.

And then you start walking, they look back and you freeze, and then they walk on.

And then you can go home seven hours late.

If you would like to donate to comic relief, why not visit rednoseday.com?

Ever since I was young, I've always liked going in charity charity shops, particularly because, you know, you find sort of interesting old records in there.

Never sort of gone in there to buy clothes and stuff, but you know, books, whatever.

And I was in a charity shop, you know, and I've patronised them for years.

And I noticed out through the window, there was like a paparazzi guy, and he was taking pictures of me through the window.

That was a bit weird.

And obviously, the old ladies in there didn't have any idea who I was, so they just thought that was a bit strange.

And then it was in one of the magazines, like the kind of celebrity magazines.

Oh, here's Steve Merchant.

You know, despite all the money he must have made from his various projects, he's still going in charity shops.

And you just think, but sorry, how is that a bad thing?

Should I give my money to a charity?

Isn't that a noble cause?

I mean, obviously, that's not the reason I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

To save 50p, of course.

But

they don't know that.

No.

You won't be going there and go and keep the chains, love.

You never have said that.

Never said that.

Never said that in your life.

No, occasionally I'll shoplift it.

I'm no mug.

70p?

Don't you think that seems frustrating, though?

Yeah, but what do you expect?

What are they going to do?

They're not going to say Steve Merchant Heart of Gold, are they?

I just thought all these things would slowly accumulate towards the OBE.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

I think you've got to do a bit more than get Roger Whitford's greatest hits for 10p.

My mum's always in them.

And because my mum goes in them, my dad sort of got into going into them now because, you know, the weather's not good or whatever anything, it's rather than standing outside.

He went in one and he was after a jacket.

Just like a

sort of a you know, casual but quite smart.

Yep, he's quite a big bloke, so it's difficult to find them, right?

So he's in there, sees the jacket, goes, Oh, look, here's that sort of jacket that I'm after.

Picks it up, tries it on, it fits, it's good, this isn't it.

She's going, yeah, yeah.

Well, she's looking at you know, a toad that

you put money in or whatever.

So he gets to the counter, and it's got a price tag on it, eight quid, right?

So he said, I'll give you

six quid.

He had six quid in his pocket.

Yeah, yeah, I'll give you six quid for that.

She went, no, it's it's eight pounds.

Now that's wrong, innit?

That's a that's a good price, and it's six quid.

They've got it for nothing, yeah,

and she wouldn't have any of it.

He said, Surely, surely something's better than nothing.

If you don't give me this for six quid, it's going back on the back on the anger.

And they said, No, sorry.

Yeah, but they might later sell it for eight pounds.

But they might not, and it's been given to them for free.

But what does it matter?

But the older.

Who's come up with the price of eight quid?

Who is this?

Yeah.

But

she's not there to haggle.

Someone's priced it up and she's just a volunteer.

Maybe she thought of it that she was losing the charity two pounds as opposed to gaining it six.

But they haven't gained anything because he put it back on.

And how many people want it?

How many people are looking out for that jacket?

It might have been the principal.

She might have thought, oh, you can't haggle when it's for charity.

It was a fair price.

Someone, I give a lot of stuff to charity.

A lot.

Most of the time, just because it's nearer than the wheelie bin is.

It's just a way of getting rid of garbage most of the time with me.

Stick it all in a bin bag.

Good stuff on the top.

The stuff that you're embarrassed about.

Stick it in the bottom of the bag.

What are you embarrassing about?

Just old shoes, trainers.

Some of the books you've written.

Socks.

Underpants.

Underpants.

You do not give underpants to charity.

Washed.

But who's going to

wash, I know, as opposed to just like peeling them off.

I don't know why you've got a problem with underpants, but shoes.

You see, I'm just going to buy underpants from a charity shop, though.

I mean, I don't care how low you are on the socio-economic level.

You can get about 14 pairs for a quid in some places.

I know.

I don't know who's buying underpants.

I don't know who's buying your underpants.

Definitely, though.

I mean, if they were signed.

Yeah, but I don't know.

That is something I like doing, though.

When I've given to charity, I like going past the shop and seeing if it made it in the window.

Any success?

Yeah, recently the one not far from here had me egg cups in the window.

So it's like, oh no, that's...

What, you've got a new set of egg cups, so you've got rid of your old ones?

Yeah.

I don't think we've got any egg cups.

Haven't you?

No.

I don't think so.

No, I've boiled eggs.

I can't imagine you it it would take you'd be too impatient to boil an egg, Rick.

Well, I I yeah, I just don't it's there's those things you think of never buying, you know, like you know, egg cups, a whisk.

No, but you do eventually.

I suppose you gotta, haven't you?

Yeah.

It's things that were just always there when you grow up, isn't it?

That you have to go and you think, you know, think of it, but not secondhand, though.

But there's nothing wrong.

Honestly, it's hardly been.

I mean, it's made the window space.

That's how good it was.

It had hardly been used, that egg cup.

Because it was a doubler.

And I think they were quite small for the egg size that I get.

I think they were made more for the small egg than I have the large egg.

Right.

So it was, it was never really used.

It's like your underpants.

But, um.

Are you ever been a charity shopper, Rick?

Uh, yeah.

Uh uh what I used to do a lot of was some was records and and uh

tapes and things like that, but it ended up sort of being ironic.

It really ended up like getting, you know, some of like Shane Rich's greatest hits.

Yeah.

And things like that.

A bit of a dilemma that my auntie Noah had.

She likes charity shops as well.

She's got a neighbour.

Went out to Graceland's.

Big Elvis fan.

They came back.

She said,

How was Gracelands?

He said, Oh, it was brilliant.

Best holiday with her had.

Probably go back again.

Back again.

We've got a gift for you.

They get out this clock, like a little sort of, it's like a Swiss, you know, the Swiss sort of, looks like a little house, like a cuckoo clock.

But on the hour, little Elvis comes out the top and goes, oh.

So she went, oh, cheers.

She's not really into Elvis.

She's more into Jim Reeves and Glenn Campbell and stuff.

But what can you say?

She said, oh, thanks.

Thanks for that.

She put it in, took it in the house.

Maybe they could get attachments.

Maybe you get a little Jim Reeves to pop on the spring.

Change it anything you like.

Like So Solicre, you can get a little So Solicre, and

that pops out.

Or however.

So anyway, it's in the house.

She's thinking, I'm not going to put that up.

It's not her sort of thing.

So she thinks, give it to charity.

Of course.

She goes down to the charity shop, gives them that, thinks nothing of it, goes off to the pub for her afternoon drink.

Anyway, next day she's going out for her afternoon drink again.

Passes the charity shop.

It's in the wind.

And the chances are her friends are going to pass by.

That was a dilemma.

Of course.

Do you have to buy it back?

That's really a hugely inflated price.

For those that are American listeners, comic relief here is a sort of,

it happens every hour of the year.

And, you know, people often do things in their workplace or at school.

They can dress up.

They can raise money in different fun ways.

And

we were told in a school assembly, it was comic relief next Friday, everyone has to come along, dressed up in fancy dress to school on that day.

Has to.

Yeah, they said, have to dress up.

They said,

you pay 50p towards comic relief, and you have to pay a pound if you don't dress up.

That's annoying, isn't it?

So, of course, I'm looking forward to this because, you know, I'm a sort of aspiring comedian and that.

Get to dress up like a clown, right?

Spent quite a lot of time getting the old clown outfit together.

What did that look like?

The shoes, obviously, I just wore my regular shoes.

Exactly, yeah.

But I had the red nose, a wig,

you know, the whole deal.

Big bow tie that my mum made for me.

Like, you know, I thought this is going to be the best day ever, right?

Get to school.

I want you to picture this scene, right?

During the assembly in my class of 30.

School uniform, school uniform, school uniform, school uniform, school uniform, school uniform.

Lanky kid dressed as a clown.

School uniform, school uniform, school uniform, school uniform.

There was three people in the entire school who dressed up.

But Steve, you're 50 people.

Yes.

But then, worse than that, it turns out I was furious because I look like an utter dick, obviously.

It turns out that what happened, I don't know whether I missed this information, but apparently the headmaster must have had another assembly where he told me that he wasn't allowed to enforce that rule

about making people pay

against their will.

So obviously no one showed up dressed like an utter dick except me and about two other knobs.

What disappoints me is that for a man who was a self-professed,

aspiring comedian, you chose the least funny thing in the world to dress as.

Yeah.

Clowns are anti-comedy.

They suck comedy out of the room.

It's not.

You're right.

And this is from a man who wanted to dress as Hitler at the Golden Gloves.

Now that's Eno's funny costume is what he did.

But you were saying about the guys who bother you in the street.

Did I tell you that when I pretended to be foreign to try and get out of that?

Did I tell you that story?

Amazing.

Because I used to, a technique I used to develop at university was whenever people bothered me in the street, I would pretend to sort of generic foreign.

I can't really do a foreign accent, but I would just be like, like, if someone asked for directions, I was always worried about giving them the wrong directions.

So I would just, sorry, I don't, I don't really, uh, how you say, you know, it's just kind of vague foreign.

Brilliant.

And I've periodically used this method throughout my life.

And not so long ago, a guy stopped me with one of those charity tunics.

And I sprang into my old trick.

I was like, sorry, I don't.

An elderly Russian one.

I don't know what voice that is.

I don't know what accent is.

It went from vaguely French to sort of Eastern European beggar.

Yeah, I don't know what it was.

And the guy...

I don't.

He says, well, let me explain to you about it.

Sorry,

not from...

This world.

Yeah.

I am from a planet.

And the guy said,

are you Stephen Merchant?

No.

Sorry.

Not when you were fighting for me.

Oh, yeah.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, because it hadn't occurred to me.

It was like a lapse of concentration.

it was a lapse of concentration because, um, and did your bow tie spin round and you squirted in the water and ran away.

That's what I'd have done.

Because, you know, it's one of those things where, you know, you don't always remember that you've been on the team.

It's not like I instantly remembered that.

Amazing.

So, but look, so he says, Are you Steve Merchant?

And then you're at this position where you've got to go, either you've got to admit what you did,

or you've got to carry on the lie.

And I chose the second one.

I was kind of like,

I don't know who that is.

I don't know what you're...

And he was like, oh God, really?

You look a lot like him.

I've never heard.

I don't.

In fact, you are Stephen Matching.

Freeze.

I'm always getting stopped.

I mean, there's so many charities now.

I think that's the other problem, actually.

that there's so many now.

Years ago, a problem wouldn't have been a problem.

Whereas today, it's someone's got this problem, someone's got OCD, and we're collecting for that.

It's not just starving people anymore, it's everything.

One little fault, they're out there with a clipboard.

Yeah, a lot of new bank diseases.

A lot of new diseases,

particularly for the sort of rich and famous, diseases that really

poor people do not suffer from.

So I was in

WH Smith's

probably buying a Valentine's card.

Oh, okay.

So there you go, you see.

So I do do a bit.

And.

is this the cheapest one you've got, love?

And I bought, I bought a big bar of like Galaxy.

Oh,

cheaper than a box of chocolates, but yeah, still nice.

For me, that, because he had an offer on, right?

This is what I'm saying.

Okay, she's getting a card, isn't she?

This is what I'm saying.

I felt awkward because she could see that.

Oh, he must have some money.

What a big bar of Galaxy.

Because you can afford some chocolate.

Well, it was like an impulse buy thing.

Yeah.

Right.

So she's thinking he's got money to burn.

Yeah.

So at first I didn't know who she was.

And a small card.

Yeah, follow him.

So she's there.

I'm thinking she just works in WH Smith.

Morning, sir.

All right, how's it going?

Oh, have you got a minute?

So I'm thinking, oh, is it WH Smith saying, you know, how often do you buy the galaxy?

Because they always do sort of surveys and stuff.

So she said, oh, you like chocolate?

I went, yeah.

She said, yeah, I have a chocolate.

Oh.

Little chocolate.

Yeah.

I ate it.

Then she goes, right, are you aware of the problems in the world?

So So I'm thinking, oh,

what's this?

You see, they've been clever there.

Yes.

I can't say no and walk off.

I've had a bit of chocolate.

Sure, right.

So you freeze.

Just freeze.

We're closing up now.

We're closing the shop.

So I said, oh, yeah, there's a load of problems.

I'm sick of it.

So she says,

no, not yours, sir.

So some people are starving.

Yeah, and I explained to her, I said, listen, I said, I've got loads of these charities every month.

I said, my bank account is literally.

Because I don't use my current bank account that much.

So you look at it with a statement, it's like Tools for Africa.

Right.

Help the aged.

Deaf Kids.

There's another one.

Dot com.

DeafKids.com.

There's loads.

It's Tools for Africa when they send people like Carl over to help out.

Yeah.

That is comic relief.

Tools for Africa is another name for comic relief if you watch it.

So anyway, I said they do all this.

She's going, oh, that's very good of you, but you know,

we need your money as well.

So she's saying, but just as much as you can afford, you know, every little helps and everything.

I've been here all day.

Look, as you can see, I haven't had much luck.

It's not that busy in the shop.

Oh, alright, then, right?

So I give her the details.

She looks at the amount.

She goes, right, now the options are: we've got, you can tick the five-pound box, the £10 box, the £20 box, the £50 box.

This is a monthly payment.

She said, Well, I'll put you down for a tenner.

Forget the fiver.

She just leapfrogged that straight away.

You can't go back, can you?

Because then you feel bad to sort of go, well, you've got a five-pound one there, tick, tick, that one.

Yeah.

So you can see I've got the chocolate, sort of wasting your money on things that aren't necessary when there's people dying around the world.

Yeah.

I said, right, yeah, tenor, fine.

And, you know, I filled it all out.

I left the shop.

Yeah.

Spent more on that than I did on the card and the chocolate.

Right.

So you spent under £10 then, basically.

So

I get home and everything, forget about it.

I keep seeing these statements going out.

It looks like Gandhi's bank account, the amount of stuff I'm giving away for charities.

Sure.

I forget about it, though.

forget it.

I'm doing me bit for charity.

I should feel good about it.

Anyway, something kicks off in the world.

Right.

Ring, drink, ring, ding.

Hello?

Is that Mr.

Pilkinson straight away?

I'm thinking, oh, who's this?

This isn't good.

Oh, hello.

It's so-and-so charity.

Are you aware of the problems in the world?

I said, Yes, I am.

There's lots of them.

Yeah, but have you heard about the latest one?

I said, Yeah.

She went, well, I'm just calling up to say thanks for the donation that you give us every month, but it's not enough.

So I said, Yeah, well, I think I give enough.

I said, You're not the only ones here.

I said, I've got five charities on the go here.

Yeah.

I said, You know, I've given you what I can afford.

She's going, Yeah, but let me just tell you about the problems.

There's so many people missing here.

This is bad.

These are dying.

I'm going, I know, I know.

I was told all this when I signed up, and I agreed to that amount.

The £10 that I said, I'm happy to give you.

That's what I can afford.

Call some other people up who aren't giving you a tenor.

Yeah.

She goes, No, but we haven't got their numbers, you know, and we understand that you're a supporter of our charity, and you know, just a little bit more will help.

I said, Listen, I can't.

I've given you that amount if you want.

If it's not enough, let's stop the direct debit now.

Right, so if it's not helping you, let's cam it and I'll give it to deafkids.com.

I said, Because they're not calling up, neither in no, but they can't a good thing with them.

So she said, No, I don't want to do that.

I said, Well, that's it.

Then she and she wouldn't let it go.

And in the end, she got an extra £1.50 off me.

Right.

But that shouldn't be allowed.

I think they should have like one year where they go this year,

you know, hungry people.

Next year,

people with a limp.

Just like they do with the China thing, with the year of the cat, year of the rabbit.

It's very clear.

Yeah.

It's that year.

That's who we're helping this year.

If you've got that problem, it's your year.

You're going to have a good one.

And who decides?

Just have some meeting.

Just have a meeting.

But who gets together in the meeting?

What would be the first year?

What would be the first year?

This year?

Right, well, we'd look at it and we'd go, right, what are we hearing a lot of problems about?

And someone goes, so-and-so's hungry.

Go, right, are we all in?

Are we in to give this lot food?

And we're not just going to give this food.

So it's not everyone who's hungry, it's specific people.

So it's like hungry.

Starving, people who are starving.

If someone goes, oh,

I've got,

I don't know,

what's another problem?

Adenoids.

Me, kids, deaf.

Well, maybe next year.

Maybe next year.

It's not your turn this time.

We can't help everyone at once.

Because that's life, innit?

You've got to give and take in your own life.

There's things that I want.

I can't have, do without, have something else.

But there's so many causes that

are not used before your charity.

I know, but what can you do then?

Because we're not sorting it all out anyway.

I'm paraplegic.

Right?

Oh, I need help really bad.

I'm paraplegic.

But so does everyone else.

Well, why are you giving it to the hungry now?

Because if we don't help the hungry now,

they can't wait.

You can wait.

right oh oh god i'm blind

is this a different person yeah i'm blind right well you're not hungry though are you well a bit peckish yeah well where's the fridge

i can't find the fridge can you help me to the fridge

otherwise will be hungry as well i'm blind and hungry i'm blind and hungry because i don't know where the fridge is like you win

but carl this this is just it's a chaotic idea it's chaotic because people who are hungry, there's always going to be people who are hungry.

But you're not going to just, because there's always going to be new people.

But I sort the problem out.

They've eaten all the food.

It doesn't last forever, the food,

I sort it out properly.

How do you sort it out?

Because I'll go, right, not only are we just giving you food, we're giving you some seeds.

We're giving you a pan.

What do you think they haven't thought of?

Here are the theory, please.

Sort it out.

Don't just give food.

That's going to run out.

Right.

Give them a proper.

You see, the problem is, there's companies who jump on the back of all.

Do you know when I was in the jungle?

When I was in the jungle, right?

On that travel thing.

I was in that tribe, right?

Now, some company had given that tribe a laptop because it makes them look good.

They can send out a press release.

Well done to so-and-so computers.

They supplied the tribe in, you know, outer Amazon with a computer.

I saw it.

They were using it as a breadboard

because they don't know what it is.

They've got no electric.

It's useless to them.

Right.

And that's what charity does.

Companies use it to make them look good.

When I was there and I really needed to go to the toilet, I was thinking, oh, tribe, I wonder what their toilet facilities are like, right?

Thinking it might be better than just doing it in a hole.

Surely they've built a toilet.

They're not stupid people.

They kill animals.

They know what they're doing.

They know how to cook.

Surely they've built some sort of unit.

Turns out...

They don't.

They still do it in a hole.

But some company had been there, some plumbing firm, and given them a toilet, right?

The bloke who, who, you know, the producer who was out there, he said, Oh, you'll be happy.

There's a toilet round the back there.

I'm thinking, oh, brilliant.

I go around there, it is a toilet, but it's not plumbed in.

Sure, so it's just a vase with shit in it.

It doesn't work.

And this is what we need to do.

We need to get out there and say, This is how it works.

Educate them.

Okay, so let's do this then.

So it's with the seeds.

You're not giving them.

And so I'm a starving African.

Hello, Carl.

Have you got any food?

Got any food?

Got any sandwiches?

Well, they have.

But if I give you my sandwich, there's someone else behind you, and they'll all come out.

So, what are you going to do then?

What are you going to do?

I'm going to help you.

How?

What are you going to do?

I'm going to make you think about how to make food for you.

Oh, okay, right.

Have you ever grown anything before?

No, no.

Right, well, here's some seeds for potatoes.

Oh, thanks, Carl.

See you later.

Do I just put them in the ground, yeah?

Put them in the ground and water them.

Oh, there's no water, you dope cunt.

There is some.

No, there's no water you dope cunt.

That's why we're starving you dopey cunt.

Right, well, at that point, that's where I go, well, this is a lost cause, eh?

Right.

Because there's no point.

Curve your sandwich after all.

No, you're not having it.

You're not having anything.

So, not only can I have a sandwich, you've given me seeds with no water, you useless bald-headed fucking twonk.

Right, but all I've done there is made the mistake of the computer firm who's giving a laptop to a tribe, it's useless, right?

But there's got to be another way around this.

Go on, then either move, right?

Because every year they're going to be queuing up, saying, I'm hungry, give me a sandwich.

No, you're not having another sandwich.

Once again, it's an utterly ill-informed discussion.

I'm just saying, there's no point queuing up every year.

If you want a sandwich, here's a sandwich.

The next year, can I have a sandwich?

Where's your brother?

He died.

It's not sorting anything.

It's buying him an extra day, an extra month or something.

It's partless.

The point is, like Wiki's just banged up, is that some of these countries, the...

The conditions...

He died.

The conditions are not there to just be able to plant potato potato seeds.

So, what are they meant to do then?

Do you think we should go out every month, every year, with sandwiches?

Is that your answer?

Like some sort of buffet, an all-you-can-eat thing once a year?

Oh, God.

You see, it is bad.

You know, I don't want to come across harsh.

They've got nothing.

We waste stuff here.

Waste annoys me just as much.

Right.

When I see sandwich shops chucking stuff out and bin bags binning it, when there's people out there who are hungry, it's ridiculous.

But I don't understand.

Right.

It's a problem that isn't being solved so your so your conclusion for these people because there's no water where they are right is move that that is your honest they should move well well what's your solution well i i i don't know i don't know the ins and outs i don't i don't even pretend to know um

but but i tell you it's not just just it's sticking a what's that saying

I don't know, it's sort of sticking a plaster over a hole or something, and the plaster comes off, it's the problem again.

Yeah, that's the same.

That's the same.

I think that was Mark Twain.

No.

Sounds more like candy.

If you would like to donate to comic relief, why not visit rednoseday.com?

Oh, I've got to tell you something, Steve, that cropped up when we were at dinner the other night.

Carl said

the most exciting words.

He said, I've had another film, I do.

Wow.

Does it star Clive Warren?

No, it doesn't.

He's gone bigger than that.

Whoa.

Carl, turn the film idea.

Yeah, but you slagged it off on that.

No, I was just trying to.

We're all chipping in, saying, well, that, you know, they're all trying to help.

No.

Suzanne, you see, you had a go, and then Suzanne thought, oh, I'm going to have a go here as well.

If I'd have told her that home, she'd just go, eh, that'd be that.

But suddenly, Jane was chipping in.

Everybody was having a go.

I didn't see anyone else coming up with anything.

Well, they didn't realise it was a script editing meeting.

Yeah, they they just thought it was a dinner they're just saying oh that you know they're no i'll tell you why it cropped up i saw it it was another thing in the that free paper yep it was something about you know the way we're advancing fast right

which reminded me of the you know my film the love of two brains and stuff

how's that is that being made yet as have you had any and it was just saying you know about um how bodies

can get reused in a way recycling is the ultimate what did it say about that though because i you didn't you didn't go into that what

It was hinting at bodies being reused.

When you say hinting, you said that.

Was it a bit of a headline didn't read on?

No, what?

No, it was scientists saying in the future, it's that other thing, in the future, this is what we've had to do.

Do you mean like Frankenstein being reused?

Old body parts fused up.

Yeah, but that was all different.

It was like a short arm and a long leg, and that.

This is a full body.

Right.

So pitch the film idea to me.

Yeah.

Sell it to me.

Like, I'm a Hollywood executive.

Sell me the film.

Right, well, I'll probably tell you about the science facts there, but I've read that.

Okay, let's start.

Let's start from scratch then.

Oh, thank you so much, Carl, for coming in.

We heard there was a rumour that you're dealing with another British film company about a thing with a man with two brains with a guy called Clive Warren, we haven't heard of, but Rebecca de Mormon, we're very excited about because

she wouldn't be

a lot to

get.

So

this film wouldn't cost much.

Right, so like I say, I've read

they're going to be sort sort of the ultimate in recycling.

If anything happens to the brain, they can reuse the body.

You've got to remember that.

By the time this film is made, that's probably going to be bigger news.

Fantastic.

So it'd be great if it can coincide clearly.

No, no, we love that.

We love this sort of research.

We love this level of research.

It's exciting.

So what I was thinking is

I'm picturing

probably.

It doesn't matter.

It's not as fixed.

It doesn't have to be this person.

But I'm thinking Tom Tom Cruise.

Okay, Cruzy, yeah, excellent, excellent, yeah.

And the way it works is do you know Tom, by the way, or have you got an in there?

Or

no, no, okay, but you just

sort of film

he'd sort of be into.

I think it would be exciting.

Okay, great, okay.

Um, so at the order coffee, did um

what did Cheryl get you a coffee?

Yeah, okay, thanks, great.

So you're hungry at all?

Do you want to?

No,

no, no, great.

So, uh.

Cheryl, I might have a tea, actually.

Cheryl, if you could.

Will we wait for the teas before she comes in?

She'll just sneak in.

She will be very quiet.

She'll be like a doormat.

She won't even know she's coming.

You just.

You've got your coffee.

I don't need a tea.

You don't want anything.

No, no, I'm fucking.

Go.

Actually,

I will have a tea, actually, Cheryl.

Two teas, Cheryl.

Thanks.

Okay, go.

Right.

Thanks, Cheryl.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Sorry, is there sugar in this shell?

Go shut the door behind you.

Thank you.

Okay.

Go.

All the way.

Go.

Tom Cruise.

I got Tom Cruise.

That's what I've pictured so far.

He's just done Mission Impossible 7.

Right.

In this film.

Oh, in the film.

So he's playing himself?

No, what you're seeing on the screen is Mission Impossible 7.

Like I say, if we don't get Cruise, it can be Born Identity and it can be what's it?

Oh, so if we get Cruise, he is playing himself.

yeah and he's just made and he's just and in this film he's just made mission puzzle 7 it's the future is it this no what you're seeing right is mission impossible 7 on the screen so i've gone into the cinema and i think i'm going in to see mission impossible 7 or i'm going in knowing it's this film yeah so i'm going into seeing what it's okay what's this film called

i haven't got a title yet we'll just call it car pilkington project 2 right okay so you go in the opening thing is Mission Impossible 7.

You think I'm serious?

I thought it was just KP2.

I'm confused.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I came in to see KP2.

This is not the film I came to see.

I'm talking to the usher.

I'm talking to the usher.

No, this is the film.

It just, what you're seeing is Mission Impossible 7.

I don't understand.

Right, listen.

So, what happens is then it sort of pans out.

You see, it's a telly.

There's a bloke watching Mission Impossible 7.

Right.

His girlfriend's watching it going, oh, I love Tom Cruise.

He's there going, I can't be doing with him.

So it is set in the future, though, this, because we're assuming that he's made seven, so this is a.

Yeah.

How far in the future is it?

Well, when will Mission Impossible 7 be made?

I don't know.

Probably about two years, the way it's going.

Right.

So, yeah, 2013.

Right.

And this is already.

This is underway, then, is it?

This practice of recycling the body.

Yeah, yeah, by then.

It's well known that it's out there as a scientific thing.

Let's not get bogged down in the lot of these things.

We can iron out as I see in the script.

So you see Mission Impossible 7.

Cheryl, are any of those biscuits still knocking around?

Do you want to do this meeting?

Yes, I do.

Sorry.

Sorry, he's a bit easily distracted.

But I will have a biscuit as well, Cheryl.

So, okay, I've been watching this.

It's Mission Impossible 7.

It's pulled out.

There's a guy in his room in his lab.

His girlfriend's watching it.

She's loving it.

She's a fan of Tom Cruise.

He's a little bit niggled.

He wanted to watch something else.

Sure.

She decided on the DVD.

He sat there annoyed.

I can't be dealing with Tom Cruise.

I can't believe they've made seven of these films.

He's a rubbish actor.

I should be the actor.

You know, I've been doing acting for years.

But he's not an actor.

Well, he is.

Okay.

But he hasn't quite made it.

He's in Pantos.

He's sending a lot of demos off.

But he's just.

It's funny because I remember this is one of our notes to make it more plausible, this film, because you did know he was an actor before, did you?

Yeah, well, this is how it works, isn't it?

Right, interesting.

Yeah, well, you two don't know about that meeting, do you?

Right.

So, right, so he's a struggling actor.

So, what happens is next day they get up.

Right?

Yep.

She's still going on about Tom Cruise.

Loves him.

Drink some sick of him.

She loves him.

My biscuit's gone in my tea.

I left it in there too long because he cut me off.

Just hang on.

Let me just think.

Can I get the spoon, please, guys?

Yeah, sure.

Do you feel it?

Oh, it's all gone.

It's all soggy.

That's soggy.

Cheryl, can we get some more of those biscuits in here, please?

Do you want to wear more?

Yeah, I'd love to hear it.

I'd love to hear more.

I'm just conscious that Colin Firth's coming in.

He's one of Oscars.

And he's got an idea

about

a prince with a George Palette.

Anyway, listen, so

what happens is he gets so annoyed with his girlfriend, liking Tom Cruise.

He plans to kill him.

So he plans to kill Tom Cruise.

Now, this man is a driving actor.

He's obviously based in the UK because he's in Panto.

So he flies to Hollywood.

No, the equivalent of the...

Yeah, he's a bit part player.

Yep.

So he sees Tom Cruise.

He kills him somehow.

Now, it's some way.

Right, how does he kill him?

Because this is all new to me.

I don't want to put everything down on paper.

This is just a rough thing.

The final pitch in the restaurant.

Tom Cruise just dies on the set of Mission Impossible 7.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

So he dies in the film in Mission Impossible 7.

They're doing that thing on the strings.

He cuts, he lands.

Right.

His body is in perfect condition.

But how is she watching the film?

Yeah, did they put it out even after Tom Cruise was filming?

No, no, sorry.

He was filming Mission Impossible 8.

So he's okay, so he's filming the next one.

They film the next one.

Mission Impossible 8.

Okay, sure.

He's annoyed.

He's going, I can't believe they're making more of these films.

I can't get a gig, and you'll be churning this crap out.

Yeah, okay.

So he's on his springs.

On his wires, yeah.

On his wires.

And accidentally, springs sounds better.

He's bouncing around like a baby growth.

His strings cut, smash,

Tom Cruise dead.

Right.

Right?

Right.

The bloke hears this on the radio on the news.

Yeah.

The girlfriend's fella.

Hears it on the news.

He can't believe it.

He's like, yeah.

Takes his eye off the road a little bit in the celebration.

Truck plows into the car.

So he's killed as well.

Well, is he?

Okay.

Little interlude.

Fades up.

Comes out of.

you're seeing it out of his eyes.

You see his eyes sort of opening, you know, when you see him out of the eyes, you see the eyelids,

and you see his girlfriend there sort of looking at him, like a bit, bit startled.

Sure, yeah.

And he's going, oh, what happened?

And she's going, it's all right, it's all right.

And he's going, oh, get me a mirror.

She's going, I don't want to get you a mirror yet.

Okay, hold on, what's going on?

You've had a bad accident.

Probably terribly disfigured, is he?

This is what he's thinking.

Oh, how bad do I look?

You know, you fancied that Tom Cruise.

Oh, I gone the other way.

She's going, it's alright, it's alright.

It can't be be relevant, though, that Tom Cruise was killed at the same time.

I don't need to think about Tom Cruise.

I'll put him out of my mind.

Put him out of my mind.

Anyway, what's he going to look at?

All mirrors out of the room and everything.

He's just

learning to walk.

He's going, Why can't I look in a mirror?

And the doctor's going, no point.

Yeah.

No point.

You've got to get used to this body.

What do you mean?

It's great that Tom Cruise just did a small carry at the bottom of the camera.

This is good as well because we're seeing it through the.

What's the voice like, by the way?

The bloke's voice.

It's the same.

Just the same as it was through you.

So the whole thing is through his eyes.

I haven't seen his face.

No.

Then

he gets walking.

It's almost time to go home.

Yep.

His girlfriend comes in.

It's her job

to tell him the news.

She says, there's the mirror looking there.

He looks in it.

He's Tom Cruise.

Right.

Because he had his accident on the set.

He had the accident.

They ended up in the hospital.

Quick, quick, we've got got to act quick.

This is the time.

This is the future.

Right.

Where they use

bodies, all the rest of it.

So Tom Cruise is dead.

Tom Cruise is dead.

His body's squashed, but.

What's his name?

Brian?

Yeah.

But Brian's brain is in Tom Cruise's body.

Just a donor body.

He just happens to be.

He just happened to.

That's how you're doing.

Yeah, it's just meat.

Just like a lung donor.

A heart donor.

So this is Brian.

He just looks like Tom Cruise now.

He's got Tom Cruise's flesh.

Now, at first, initially, he's annoyed.

But

the voice is still the same as his was, even though it's got Tom Cruise's mouth.

He's got a bit of both.

A little bit different.

But okay, sorry, just practically, who is doing the voiceover then for the...

It's Tom now.

So Tom's sort of doing an impression of this actor.

Brian's inside Tom.

His name is Brian, but when you look at it on the telly, when the camera woozes round

and you see him sat in his bed, it's Tom Cruise.

Sure.

Right, okay.

His girlfriend's over the moon, because she loves Tom Cruise.

Right.

He's gutted because he couldn't couldn't stand him.

He can't stand the films.

He's thinking.

Yeah, but he must be thinking, I look like Tom Cruise, one of the most loved actors of his generation.

And he'll think so, but he's not because he's in shock remember.

He's expecting to see himself when he looks in the mirror again.

It must be shocking, yeah.

So

he's going, I can't stand this.

And she's going, calm down, calm down, you'll get used to it.

I don't want to get used to it.

And she's sort of saying, look, you're alive.

Right.

Stop moaning.

Brian.

Stop moaning, Brian.

She's calling him Brian, I assume.

She says.

And Tom Cruise just had a sort of donor card that allowed his body to be given away, did it?

Yeah, it's the future.

Right.

This is 2013, Steve.

Things have changed.

Clearly.

Right.

What's his girlfriend's name?

Claire.

Claire and Brian.

Okay, great.

Just a different body, just a slightly different look.

Alright, so he's seen that he looks like Tom Cruise.

He's shocked, but he's getting used to it.

He doesn't look like him.

He is him.

Okay.

No, he's not him.

He's Brian, isn't he?

Yeah, but to most people, it's

when he leaves the hospital.

No, Tom, I thought you you were dead.

It's Tom, it's Tom.

He's going, really?

And he's going, Oh, I knew this would happen.

It's doing me heading.

Are they paparazzi?

Do they paparazzi think it's Tom?

No, no, no.

Let him explain.

Sorry, because you heard this.

This is weird though, because it so he looks like Tom Cruise.

So he wheels out, he's in a wheelchair.

Okay, he's going, I'm sick of this.

Uh, the other patients are going, Tom, I thought you were dead.

And he's going, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's annoyed.

He gets in the car.

He gets out there, right?

And he sees a poster up on the side of the road for Mission Mission Impossible 8.

Hold on, though.

It's finished.

I thought he died while they were filming.

It's not finished.

But now, these days, he's shouting about films before they made.

It's like Lord of the Rings, isn't it?

Yeah, they're going, Lord of the Rings is in the making.

And they're going brilliant and all the hype and everything.

Even after that.

Seems premature.

No, the poster was already up.

That seems premature, given that a man died during the production.

It doesn't matter.

I've taken the posters down.

But then I don't work in Hollywood.

So the poster's up there, and he sees it as he's in the car driving past.

And he thinks,

that can't be finished.

They both look at each other.

This is your chance.

You want it to be an actor.

This is the chance.

Yeah.

Right.

Go back to the studio.

So he goes in.

Hello.

You don't know me?

And they go, oh, we think we do.

And you go, no, you don't.

I'm Brian.

Tom died on your film set.

They must know that.

They must know

that Tom's just dead.

Because his family must have been there.

If you want, it makes no difference.

We can tweak the script.

You are, because before, he was a plumber, by the way.

It was a plumber who was turning up going, I'm going to finish Mr.

Impossible 8.

So that was very much for that.

And I could sort out your lavatory.

You get the idea.

Right, no, no, we don't get the idea.

So this is.

Brian has turned up looking like Tom Cruise.

He said the film company, right, who must know that Tom Cruise died on their film set.

What were they going to do when they went up?

They would have to wrap it up.

They would have to wait.

You said they'd put the posters up.

yes the posters are up before they've even finished so they're cancelling the film until he walks in basically yeah oh so they are cancelling the film they're cancelling it okay

so um we're afraid that um uh production has stopped on mr bus rule uh eight due to the death of tom cruise hang on a minute what i'm brian

who's brian oh my god you look exactly like tom cruise oh have they done that thing where they put brian's brain in tom cruise's body yeah oh but it's not tom cruise you can't act like him

i'm an actor yeah but oh he was good because he was like one of of the best actors.

He's not that good.

I never rated him.

Yeah, but a lot of people did.

But a lot of people didn't.

So let me bring in a new audience for you, eh?

I've got to bring a bit to this.

Right.

So

the film people.

So just tell me, what happens?

Do they sign up the new guy?

So it's not in the news.

It must be in the news that they're going to be.

Are they pretending that it's really Tom?

They can't do that.

No.

But they're quite unscrupulous.

So they've told the world that Brian is taking over.

Brian, right?

He used to be a plumber, but it's Brian.

He has no surname.

Brian.

He's like McDonald's chair.

Exactly.

Yeah, yes.

Yeah.

So

Brian, right?

Is that Brian with?

It's above the title.

Brian.

I bet it's Brian with a Y.

Brian with a Y by Wish Impossible 8.

This won't work.

Where's Tom Cruise?

It's not the same.

So this, of course, gives it a boost because

the flagging franchise is being rejuvenated.

The press, the news that's out there.

Yeah.

Tom Cruise and his new film.

Well, it's not Tom Cruise.

They can't say that.

Well, it is, though.

When you look at him, you go, oh, it's Tom Cruise.

Well, Well, no, you've got to say a bloat that looks like Tom Cruise.

The body of Tom Cruise.

Yeah.

The acting of Ventiku Brian.

In a new movie.

Mission Impossible 8, starring the bones and skin and stuff of Tom Cruise with Brian's Frank.

Do you like Tom Cruise's face and not his acting?

Did you all enjoy Mission Impossible 8?

Oh,

No, wait, sorry, I really want to hear the ending of this third movie.

Please let me ask questions.

You had your chance to ask him questions.

Right.

So, where are we?

In a sort of 90-minute running time of a movie, where are we now in the film?

Are we about two-thirds of the way way through it?

We're close.

We're close to the end.

Okay.

So, Mission Impossible 8 has been made.

So, what's the end of our movie?

Not of Mission Impossible 8, but the movie you're making.

What's the ending there?

Do we ever get to see him in Mission Impossible 8?

Yeah, but I think what happens is

he becomes the person who he never liked.

Right.

And it's, it's, I just want to get across the moral that who are we?

Are we the people in our body or the people we look

what's important in life is it the way you look or the way you think and he changes because he looks like tom cruise he becomes the man he never liked but you see to me just from the outsider's point of view even if i was to accept all the other premise of this movie which is clearly horseshit

what would have been more interesting is that they don't tell the world that it's a new guy that they tell the world it's tom and they've brought him back to life yeah i love that that seems more interesting because they're

there's tension they're lying to the world and this guy he wants he's getting the glory that he always wanted as an actor but he's lying and that's a more interesting tension is he going to declare actually i'm not really tom i'm brian i've been lying to you all and it that seems like a more interesting dilemma instead you've got we've brought back the walking corpse of tom cruise with another man's mind i mean but i think if the whole world's accepting of that yeah no but you do want to see that i think you'd i think a lot of people would just want to see it for that morbid factor of.

My god.

Yeah, but you're saying.

But this is.

You mean they want to see your film because of this morbid factor?

Yeah, this is a fiction.

This is a fiction.

This didn't really happen.

You mean the final act of the film is us seeing Mission Impossible 8, starring the real Tom Cruise playing just his own cadaver.

And I mean, it's an Oscar-winning performance from Tom.

I don't know how he's keeping in check who he is.

What's his girlfriend think of this?

Who's

Brian's?

She's loving it, isn't she?

Because she always liked Tom Cruise.

What did Brian look like, just out of interest?

He's just sort of

an older-looking.

Well, who would play him?

Who would play him in this film?

Probably.

This has got to be American.

I'm not like that.

What's his name?

The bloke who was in Cheers, probably.

Ted Danson.

Ted Danson.

Ted Danson.

So Ted Danson is Brian.

This is so confusing.

Because Ted Danson's supposed to be someone that we've never heard of, even though he's Ted Danson.

And Tom Cruise is playing himself, the famous actor Tom Cruise, who is now inhabited by Ted Danson, who's not Ted Danson.

Ted Danson!

Ted Danson as Brian.

Ted Danson as Brian as Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible 8.

Wow.

So, have you got a title yet?

No.

No, I just wanted to know if you're in.

Surely, the wife of Brian.

The wife of Brian.

Who's played Claire?

Well, I'm up for you.

You know, that's why I've come to you.

I thought you were

Rebecca De Mornay.

Okay.

She is so hot after the love of a brain, or whatever it was called.

You want to go where everybody knows your name is Brian.

Well, that's about it for this special free guide to in aid of Red Nose Day Comic Relief.

If you have enjoyed this, or even if you haven't, please make a contribution, big or small, to Comic Relief.

You can visit rednoseday.com to do that.

We'd appreciate it.

Little Richard Curtis would appreciate it.

He's definitely going to get an OBE at some point, if not for knighthood.

Yeah.

Give him both.

Carl, look at it this way.

Supposing people come to this,

they didn't like the office, extras, me,

Steve, Idiot Abroad, the Ricky Java, so they didn't like any of that.

But they thought, hold on, they're doing something for charity.

I'll check this out.

They've had a whale of a time.

They've laughed at everything.

They're going to go and buy all the guides still available on iTunes now.

That is shameless.

Also, I'm doing a live stand-up comedy tour at the end of the year.

You can check out the details on RickyJavaze.com.

Just do something for charity or not.

It's up to you.

So it's goodbye from me, Ricky Demais, and thank you.

Goodbye from Stephen Merchant.

Goodbye.

And from the little round-headed buffoon that is Carl Pilkington, it's a goodbye.

And a big thank you to Positive Internet.

Those guys make these little free podcasts possible.