A Day in the Life of Karl S1E1 (October 28, 2010)

Carl, what doesn't annoy you?

That's the question, really.

I'm not going to sit here and

different things annoy me.

But I don't just go about getting annoyed.

Stuff happens.

No, no, no.

Stuff happens.

What's annoyed you this week?

I mean, I tend to get annoyed when people around me get annoyed.

I'm never the one who's going in somewhere getting annoyed.

I'm quite happy-girl, lucky me.

You're going to laugh, that's rubbish.

There is nothing about no one would ever say that.

No one ever.

How would you describe Carl Pilkington?

Oh, he's happy-go-lucky.

Whenever I see him, he's skipping along, whistling a tune.

I whistle a lot, I've told you.

Yeah, only to annoy people when you're playing Scrabble.

No, I just.

At the end of the day, I think the problem is most of the day I'm on my own.

Right.

Right?

I'm doing DIY at home.

I'm quite happy.

No one's there annoying me.

I go for me lunch later than everyone else, so I don't have to see people.

He's like Quasimodo,

isn't he?

It's like

coming down when everyone else is not there.

No one's around.

Suzanne!

No, but then that's the problem.

Suzanne then comes home.

She's been sort of with people, so she comes in with loads of energy.

And I'm going, just slow down.

Stop going on.

Then she's breaking stuff.

And that's probably the last thing she's doing.

She's breaking stuff.

She's heavy-handed, heavy-handed with all the stuff I've been fixing.

She broke the shutters.

What else did she break?

Well, you you could have done a good job.

I did do a good job.

Shutters?

Where do you live in the Old West?

What do you mean, the shutters?

Some shutters on a window.

She

everywhere.

I like it.

I don't want them to see me.

What a mum.

So, what else has she broken?

She's always breaking stuff.

The light switch outside.

Heavy-handed.

Don't.

She forces things.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

It doesn't matter how hard you hit it or how hard you pull it.

Just tell me if it doesn't work and I'll sort it.

That's what I do these days.

I'm like a

to Suzanne's house.

I'm wandering around and replacing stuff that she's fucked up.

Jesus.

So uh so she annoys you.

She comes home.

You've had a lovely day of peace on your own.

So the only person that likes you and talks to you annoys you.

And uh when you're at home doing your DIY, I'm I want to picture that scene.

What d d okay, right.

We've never done this before, right?

But let's do a typical day.

We've known known each other now.

How long have we known Carl?

Nearly 10 years.

See a long time.

So, let's do a typical day in the life of Carl Pilkington.

So, my first question is: what time does Suzanne have to wake up?

Does that annoy you?

Does she have to get up earlier than you?

Because she's got a proper job.

The alarm goes off.

What time?

About seven.

That seems early.

Yeah, but I'm used to it now.

Okay.

Now you spring out of bed, make her a cup of tea, do you?

No.

Right.

I'll let her get up, mess about.

By mess about, you mean get ready for work.

Yeah.

Right.

She's not being quiet.

So I'm then I'm awake now.

Right.

What do you mean she's not being quiet?

Well, she's just banging about, like I say, heavy-handed.

I don't know how she does it.

It's just doors and stuff.

Everything seems like

the hulks in the house.

Bounding about.

Just don't be heavy-handed with it.

Even like pulling the curtains shut and stuff, because it's not her who has to fix it.

Do you know what I mean?

When she's yanking at them and pulling them open, it's like just pull them like that.

I've put them on a nice rail, just pull them slowly like that.

It's things like that.

This sounds like these jobs aren't done correctly.

That's what we're doing.

They are done properly.

No, because if you get a like a, you know, if you get a bad pair of jeans and someone's like, oh, you've ripped it.

A good pair of jeans, they won't rip, but no, just look after it.

It doesn't matter if you've got good jeans or poor jeans.

Treat them the same.

Look after your stuff.

I've always been like that.

I know.

I've told you from a young age, I didn't like people sitting on my bed after I'd made it.

It was like, I've gone to the trouble, I've made it, there's no creases in it, don't sit on it.

There's a chair there, use the chair.

True, okay.

That's mental, but yeah, it's not mental.

It's like it's the behaviour of something.

It's not mental.

Yeah.

So, Suzanne's question about the place.

So, the doors, I mean, what's up with the doors?

Do they squeak or has the catch been done wrongly on them?

Or

is it the wrong word or something?

No, just heavy-handed.

Right, okay.

So, then she has a shower.

Right.

If I have a shower, I like to go second because I've got the Mr.

Muscle spray that she doesn't do properly.

Right.

Do you breakfast together?

Just sit on the bed.

I have some.

Oh, I haven't even made the bed yet.

Yeah, yeah, it's made.

Well, don't sit on the bed if it's made.

It's not a mess.

I've sit on the chair.

I've calmed down.

That's what I've said to her.

As I'm getting older,

I'm easing a bit.

Yeah, you're like Doris Day.

So sit on the bed, look at the bag.

Why are you having breakfast or sat on the bed?

It doesn't make sense to me.

Either have breakfast in bed, classic, or the kitchen table.

The radio's in there, and it's just kind of.

So you get up, make breakfast, and go back and sit on the bed because the radio's.

What's going on with the crumbs, Rick?

I don't know what the crumbs are doing, but I've got to do that.

I don't know why I've got two radios.

Hang on, you don't know what I'm having.

I'm having cornflakes.

No crumbs with cornflakes.

No.

So you haven't.

Two of you are sat there.

Are you sat on opposite sides of the bed looking at each other, or you've both sat on the side of the bed looking at the wall, listening to the radio, eating a bowl of cornflakes?

Yeah.

Really?

Are you sort of cross-legged on the bed or your legs are down on the floor?

It's down on the floor.

Right.

Fully clothed now.

You've had the showers.

I might have a t-shirt on and my undies.

Okay.

I haven't haven't put my socks on yet.

I don't like socks.

I'd put them on last.

Why don't you like socks?

They just cut off your freedom.

I don't know how socks can cut off anything.

It's alright if your feet are cold, they're nice to put on, but I don't know.

My socks are never that well-fitting, so I don't really enjoy them.

But won't you get socks that fit you?

Because I'll never buy socks, do I?

They should be the same size as your shoes.

I've got other people buying for me, and they're never quite right.

But hold on, though.

This is a rule you've imposed on yourself.

I'm only telling you because you've asked.

I didn't come in here moaning about it.

Socks cut off your freedom.

Never heard that before.

I mean, Mandela said it.

Well, yeah, liver and socks compared to the Berlin Wall.

Yeah, I think William Wallace said it as well.

Right.

Yeah.

Imagine that in Brave Arch just takes his socks off and goes, freedom.

Yeah.

Anyway, then I'll say, right, on your way to work, take the bin bag out.

Right.

She'll do that.

And then I get on with whatever I've got to do that day.

Little kiss on the cheek on the floor.

Why do you say pat on the head?

Pats you on the head.

I'll just sort of rub the back of her head.

There you go.

See you later.

Then what?

You're there?

You've got your pants on.

You've got your t-shirt on.

You're ready for it.

It's on the news.

You listen to what's being said on the radio.

We'll have a little discussion about it.

Sometimes she's in the mood for it.

Sometimes she'll go, don't worry about it.

Right.

Now,

what would she say that to then?

What would you worry about if you heard on the news?

I heard something about worms getting teeth.

Right.

And she was kind of going, you know, you're not meant to worry about this news story.

This war's going on stuff.

You never listen to them.

Do you remember the story of the worms with the teeth?

Should we be alarmed ourselves?

What was the information?

It was just saying how

it was all about nature versus nurture thing, right?

And saying how worms that are growing up in a family where there's loads of food around.

What do you mean, growing up in a family?

Just a family of worms in the soil.

Right.

They're going through the soil.

If there's loads of food

for everyone, they don't have to fight for food,

they're quite happy.

They don't have teeth.

The ones like the rough of worms, where there's not enough, it's like a massive family, the kids left, right, and centre,

but they haven't got the nutrients to feed them all.

They fight against each other, and the ones that they're growing teeth now.

I didn't hear the new story, so I'm going out on a limb here.

I don't think it was about a worm being maybe more working-class and chavvy, though, with big families.

Look at that word, big family can't even feed them all.

And then you've got middle-class worms going, well, we've got enough food for everyone because we haven't overbred.

You know what people are like now?

They've got researchers watching all sorts of stuff.

Right.

Keeping their eye on everything.

When you don't have to worry about it.

A worm with teeth, if they've got teeth or not, to me, it is not a problem.

Not a problem at all.

I normally save a worm if I see one.

So I have it in the rain on a pavement.

If I see it there, I go, someone's going to stand on that and I chuck it and I sort of watch it for a bit, see which way it was going, give it an helping hand.

See which way it was going.

Like it had an aim.

No, they do, though, don't they?

They're always always going somewhere.

Yeah.

You can't sell.

You don't know which side its head's on.

Do you check that it's got teeth first?

Because there's

some crunchy food or there's some soft food.

Like I said, it doesn't concern me, but I listen to it because it's on the radio.

Okay, so

it's five past eight.

Suzanne's gone out.

You've rubbed the back of her head.

She's took the rubbish out.

You're there.

Pants.

T-shirt.

No socks.

No socks yet.

What happens to the bowls of ex-corn flakes?

Where do they go?

Have you got a...

I wash up.

You wash up.

That's the next thing you do, is it?

Right, okay.

Now, then, do you plan ahead for the day?

Do you think to yourself, Carl, make a list of stuff to do, or do you just let it go?

I'll let it happen.

I don't like the

worst thing for me is planning.

I told you before,

you don't get anything done by planning as well.

I don't like the idea of waking up, going, I've got to do that today, because that's when you don't look forward to doing the thing.

Whereas I get up, I'm washing up, I'll look at a wall, and I'll go, Those tiles aren't very good.

I'm going to rip them off.

Jesus Christ.

This is amazing.

This is amazing.

I mean, forget Idiot Abroad.

Forget the Ricky Gervais show.

Let's just have 24-7 Carl Cam.

Just, but think how that would look.

He gets up.

Suzanne leaves.

We get him to, you know, he looks at a wall.

He goes tearing the tiles off.

It looks like the behaviour of a psychopath, doesn't it?

Oh.

So, are there handles on the inside of your house?

This is what worries me, though.

The fact that you're always doing DIY suggests that you didn't do a good job in the first place.

Steve,

I never ever do the same thing twice.

Once it's done, it's done.

I do it right.

I take my time.

I'd get it done right now.

So this is other people's workmanship that you're undoing and doing properly.

Okay, right.

Now, the radio's in the bedroom, so you can listen to the radio when you're doing your work.

I'd normally drag it through.

You drag it through.

How big is it?

Well, it's just a little clock radio thing.

So it's plugged in.

Yeah.

Then.

Well, hang on a minute.

Let's go back back because presumably, you've you've dismantled the tiles, you've got to pop down and get all your supplies, haven't you, from BQ or somewhere?

Well, I went to home base, might have a walk there if the weather's nice.

Yeah, um, you know, 25-minute walk, that's all right.

25 minutes a bit of a jaunt though, because you've got to carry all the stuff back, haven't you?

Depends what I'm buying.

If I'm just buying a tub of the DCIF, I can handle that.

It's if you're getting heavier stuff,

um, what do you do in that case?

Drive, okay, get the motor, yeah, but I don't shift in that because you lose your parking space.

Do you park?

I move in the car because he loses his parking space.

So don't use the car for fear of losing the parking space.

Yeah, not if I can help it.

Now, question.

When you go to home base or BNQ or some sort of tile shop or a lumber yard,

do you affect a more working class accent?

Like I've heard Steve talking to his carpenters?

I always do that, yeah.

I don't have to talk to anyone.

I know exactly what I'm getting.

Straight in there.

I know the layout.

I've been in there plenty of times.

I might have a bit of a browse whilst I'm there, like looking at different tools.

So if it wasn't for meeting up with me and Steve and Suzanne being home between, I don't know, six o'clock at night and eight the next morning, you wouldn't talk to anyone, would you?

Do you have any friends that you might talk to?

Yeah, talk to some people on the phone.

But then I soon get bored with that.

Right.

About five minutes in, I realise I'm not listening anymore.

Who's the last person?

You have to name names, but just give a generic name.

Who's the last person?

Who's a

old schoolmate, or is it someone you've met more recently?

Show people.

Someone more recently.

Right.

And, you know, it's fine at the beginning.

It's like, oh, yeah, that's good.

So, what were you talking about that you got bored about?

I can't remember because I got bored with it.

And I'm normally.

You see, the thing is, these days, people haven't got your proper attention, have they?

Because it's a mobile, so you can carry on doing what you're doing.

So I was ripping old raw plugs out of the wall.

Jesus.

And he was talking.

And I kind of thought, I hope he doesn't say, what do you think of that in a minute?

Because I wasn't listening.

Right.

So, what's the point of having the conversation?

I don't know.

But hold on, I call you up.

It's the presumably the first phone call you get.

It's the first phone call I make.

I call you up, and I go, What's going on, boy?

Right?

Yeah, but most of the time I don't tell you because you'll go, right, what you do in doing DIY, pay someone to do it.

And we have to have all that every day, the same chat.

If I'm not doing DIY, I wouldn't be doing anything.

And then I get grumpy.

Suzanne comes home, she goes, what have you done today?

And I go, nothing.

And I get fed up then.

Because

I work harder for your career than you do.

I'm always doing stuff to try and get you to do stuff.

I'm always trying to get you shows and things.

And I'm always trying to get you to get out there and do something towards it.

I've done it now.

I've done it.

We did the programme.

It goes out on the telly.

Job done.

People want to watch it.

They watch it.

There's no point me cropping up on loose women, asking people to tune into my programme.

They either want to watch it or they don't.

If they're watching loose women, I don't want them watching my programme.

There's a lot of crap on the telly, and that's why, in a way, people go, oh, it's amazing, isn't it, you're on the telly?

No, not really.

Because there's loads of garbage on there.

Anyone can get on it.

It's not special anymore.

It used to be special in the 80s when there was like three channels, four channels.

Now it's a doddle.

But that's why you should make special TV.

I like the fact that

in anything you do, 90%

in any framework, in any genre you you work in, is crap.

That's why it's nice to be in that 10%.

That's why it's nice to do something that's special.

You know, the great thing about Idiot Abroad is people haven't seen anything like it before.

I'm so proud of it.

It's great.

So, the fact that you're in a genre where something is 90% crap, that makes you look better.

You should relish that.

No, because I don't think people who are watching loose women like it.

They want some sort of

flump telly, don't they?

You don't have to think about it.

Do Do you mean the programme, the flumps?

He didn't say flump, he said flump.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now this is.

Now, are you spelling flump?

It's F-L-U-M-P-H.

PH, Flump.

P-H-Flump.

P-F.

P-F.

PF.

Flump.

Okay.

Flump Telly.

Yeah, Flump Tell.

Flump Telly.

So,

so.

And what would be an example of Flump Telly?

What's Flump Telly?

No, I don't want to go slagging stuff off, but I'm just saying I watched Lumpy.

What's

It would be a typical person.

Is it awful those awful

docu soaps when people live their life like an open wound saying, look, me, Fanny fell off.

I haven't seen that.

But yeah,

all that sort of stuff.

I do, honestly, the amount of telly I watch now compared to a few years ago, it's non-existent.

Suzanne comes home at night.

I might watch a grand designs to get some tips off it.

Other than that.

So that's work.

You count that as work, don't you?

Research is.

At least you learn something.

Does Suzanne like grand designs?

She likes to see the end result to see what it looks like, but she gets bored at the beginning when it's just a load of bricks.

She's got enough of her home.

So, so.

And then we'll just sit and have a game of crib.

You'd have been happy in the Blitz, wouldn't you?

You'd have been happy down in one of those subway stations.

Oh, Suzanne, what?

What?

Chimney's gone.

Oh, no, what was that?

Doodlebug.

I better go up there.

Oh, leave it.

Well, it's fine.

Bloody heavy-handed, them Germans.

Bloody heavy-handed.

But let's go back a bit here.

So

you've gone on BQ, you've got your supplies, you've done a bit of tiling.

Good job.

Please, you're halfway through.

Spot a lunch around three-ish.

What do you do?

Do you pop out for lunch?

Depends sometimes, Suzanne.

As I pat her on the head, she sometimes says, there's some hammy in the fridge.

I'll go alright.

I'd love it.

Like, there's a little choreograph.

If I, oh, I better pat her on the head.

I don't know what I'm going to eat today.

Oh, uh, Carl Finks, like Pavlovian conditioning.

Yeah.

Last time I patted on him then, she told me about some food and things.

Bye, love, take the rubber shout.

I'm in the fridge.

Cheers.

Brilliant, yeah.

Okay.

So I'll eat that.

Now, just so the radio's on the whole time?

Is there, because I want to picture this.

You're not working in silence.

Radio's on the whole time.

That little squeaky radio that's sort of halfway in the doorway of the bedroom and the lounge or whatever.

You've got the radio.

And what station you listen to?

Do you listen to music?

You listen listen to the music.

Sometimes I listen to sort of speech stuff.

Sometimes I listen to music.

What would be speech, like a kind of one of those phone-in programmes or phone-ins do me heading a bit?

I like, you know, reports on stuff.

Right.

Just little.

Radio five maybe?

Yeah, five live.

That's all right.

So you like to be informed as you go?

Um, yeah, just so it gives me something to talk about,'cause if you're not with anyone all day, your brain's not doing anything, is it?

Whereas me listening to them, it's like having someone in the room telling you stuff without you having to chat back.

I prefer that.

I'm a big I'm a a bigger listener than I'm a talker.

Yeah.

Whereas these days a lot of people are talking but they're not listening.

Perfect.

Although you're not listening to actual humans like your friends when they call you up.

Because they're just mired.

And do you make sure that you get everything done and dusted before Suzanne comes home?

So she comes home to a spotless place.

Yeah.

And you so she comes in, do you instantly show her the work you've done or do you just let her notice it for a second?

Sometimes I just leave it and see how long it takes for her to go, oh, you've done that.

Okay.

And if she doesn't notice it, are you annoyed or are you excited to tell her?

Sometimes I forget.

He does it again the next day.

That's when you look a bit shoddy.

I should do that.

Wow, sometimes you forget.

And so it's not the equivalent of when a lady comes to him and says, oh, you haven't noticed me new hairdo.

Is it sort of the equivalent for you?

If she hasn't noticed, you don't get frustrated.

Now, you do notice her new hairdo's, don't you?

Because you say you don't like them.

So what does she say about your tiling?

No, most of the stuff I do, she goes, that's good.

But sometimes she'll go, why don't we just get someone in to do it?

But before or after?

Well, it depends what it is.

If it's something that's big and has been bothering her, but it's not bothering me, I'm saying I'll sort it out.

But what's an example of something that's big that bothers her and not you?

Um

I had some wires hanging out the wall

that I needed to uh patch up the plaster.

Now these wires

were they exposed wires, for example, that you could have touched them and got an electric shock or yeah.

Well, that is a big thing, isn't it?

Yeah, but we haven't got kids running about the house.

Who's coming in messing with wires on the walls?

Just don't touch it.

I know they're there.

You know they're there.

We don't need to put up a sign.

We don't need to cone it off.

We know they're hanging out.

I'll sort it.

Don't worry about it.

She's going to get someone in.

Well, no, I won't get someone in.

Because, you see, the thing is, she got someone in once when the oven blew up.

Right?

I said, Leave it, I'll sort it, I'll look at it.

No, you don't know what you're doing.

Get someone in.

No, let me have a look.

No, get someone in.

She calls someone up, they come round the old 80-pound call-out charge business straight away.

They pull it out, they go, It was the fuse and the plug.

Now, I could have sorted that out, but she didn't give me a chance.

So now it's good now because I've got that on the old back burner.

So every time she says, Let's call someone out, I'll go, oven.

So I'm glad in a way that she did.

But so now she just leaves it.

She doesn't interfere.

Carl, Carl, Carl, I've got terrible pains.

Oven.

Have you sorted that problem?

Not yet.

No, so the wire's still hanging out of the wall.

Yeah, yeah.

But I know what to do.

It's just that I want to do the other jobs first.

Yeah, but she's concerned about that one, and it's also very dangerous.

It's not that dangerous.

Steve.

Oven.

I mean, you said if I speak to anyone in the day, I normally speak to my mum and dad at some point every day.

Really?

Do you?

Every day?

You speak to your mum and dad?

Yeah.

Could you take us through a typical conversation with your dad?

He calls up.

What does he say?

What does he say?

He said, I've just been out, got your mum some medicine.

Well, every time he calls, he's

telling you the last call.

Oh, I see.

Sorry.

Right.

What's the weather like?

What's up with your mum?

Oh, she's got a cough.

It's cold, isn't it?

Winter, cold.

Yeah.

Expectrum, did you get a tickety cough or a chesty cough?

I think it's chesty.

Getting expectrum.

Because they've got like a coal fire.

And it's when I go there, I'm always coughing and that.

It's like smoking 20 a day, having one of them in the house.

So she's always coughing.

So,

yeah,

she smokes 20 a day.

Been out.

Got some veneline.

Does she smoke, your mum?

No, she used to.

Yeah.

Jacked it in when I was born.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Good.

It'd already done the damage.

Yeah, she smoked more through the pregnancy.

She looked at it and went, oh, I'm not smoking again.

Yeah, or drinking.

Look at that fucking head.

So, yeah, he said, oh, the weather's bad.

Is it bad there?

I went, yeah.

He said, I've just been out, got some medicine.

What are you doing?

I said, I'm ripping tiles off the wall.

He said,

Oh, that's good.

He said, Your mum wants me to do the tiling in the kitchen.

I said, Why don't you do it?

He said, Oh, it's too much of a big job.

I said, Just do a wall at a time.

He said, Yeah, it might do.

I'm getting fucking bored.

He said,

He might just sort of plaster over the tiles and sort of, you know, paint over that.

I said, Well, it's not that good, though, is it?

Because if you drill into it

and you smash a tile in, the plaster that's on the tiles can crack and go right across.

So it's easier just to take them them off, so it doesn't take that long to take'em off.

Just do the job properly.

I'm actually in the weekend, Rick.

So anyway, he just said, Oh, I might do that.

But he's got nothing else to do.

So that's why I was saying.

Ah, sorry, go on.

And then my man might get on and uh

look forward to this.

She just tells me a bit of it.

She like, What was it the other day?

She said, Oh, have you seen them tablets that are food?

She's just so like you.

She's just like you.

Oh, God, was she a fucking astronaut?

Have you seen them tablets?

What a food!

Go on, what are the tablets that look like food?

No, that's what it is.

It's like the Spaceman food.

They've come out and we're just chatting about them.

She's saying, oh.

What do you mean they've come out, really?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because we live in a busy world and everything where people haven't got time to have a proper lunch.

Are you sure this isn't like one of those innovation things

when you can buy oxygen in a canister?

Well, you didn't buy one of those ones, really?

Yeah.

What would you need oxygen in the middle of the morning?

Well, because I was having a race with my mate, and I thought, oh, I just have a bit of that on the way around.

It didn't work.

How far were you running?

I don't know.

It was a race over a mile.

And I thought, oh, so you were laden down with an oxygen.

I was a fair advantage here.

While he was out training, I was just buying some of the innovations catalog.

Yeah.

So you were running and you had a little sneaker.

You pulled it out and you went, what?

Curses?

I took it beforehand.

I thought, well,

of course it.

Well, one, it didn't work.

But what's it supposed to do?

Because I thought it would oxidate my blood more so I could.

I mean, it was well, it was flawed.

It was a flawed argument.

It was a flawed argument.

How much did you pay for it?

To be honest, I don't know.

I don't know, five quid or something.

So,

you had a life in which you had enough time knowing that there was a race coming up to order something from the Innovations catalogue.

Yeah.

What was this race?

We had a little challenge.

Was this a common thing?

You had often.

I think I was on the doll at the time.

I think I was about 25.

I mean, if you're on the doll and you barely got any cash, you're buying air.

Oh, geez, yeah, yeah.

I look back now,

it was a folly, yeah, oh, dear.

That's what Ricky, how he occupies his free days, Carl.

Come on, 20 odd years ago,

I don't.

Now I actually work out.

Now, whoa, I'd like to race him now.

How is Eusine Bolt?

Yeah, he's good.

He's good.

He's kind of away.

So your mum calls up.

What does she say?

She said there's a new pit out that's a meal, yeah.

We chat about that for a bit.

And then

she always says, watch the road at the end of the call.

Really?

No, she always said that.

Watch the road.

She doesn't mean the film the road with Vigo Morgan said.

No, she's just paranoid that I'm going to get run over.

Right.

So every time I've never been run over.

No.

Well, that's because she always tells you to watch the road, yeah.

Yeah, maybe that's the case.

And do you watch the road?

I mean,

she means just stare out the window and watch the road.

Yeah.

She's fascinated by it.

Exactly.

Watch the road.

There's cars going on.

It's moving things.

There's big bits of metal with wheels.

So, oh, you did walk into a field of nettles once, though.

Let's not forget that.

So you have a call, like a scintillating film conversation like this every day with your parents.

Yeah.

And does she always try to find a piece of new information she thinks might interest you?

That's sweet though.

That's sweet that you talk to his parents every day.

I remember when I went off to university, um, uh, my brother-in-law dropped me off, and my mum came up with me, and she was leaving, and she was sort of crying.

And I was making up, I was, I was pretending to be really sort of sad and winding about.

And then I thought, oh,

I better call her up.

She said, call me, right?

So I think I waited till the following Sunday, it'd been about a week, right?

And I called her up, and

I couldn't just call her up.

I suppose I had to be ironic because I was probably embarrassed about calling my mum.

Like, I wanted to speak to her, too.

So

I just called her up, and

she went, hello.

I went, mum she went yeah I went Ricky she went what's the matter I said I think I'm blind she went what I went now how's it going she went you silly bleeder I nearly had a heart attack

that's great

so if you want to spice up calls to your mum pretend you've had a terrible accident and that you're blind I like it when I phone my gran and the only people that ever phone my gran is me, my sister or my parents.

No one else ever calls.

And every time she picks up, she goes, Hello, like it could be a monster that's going to come through the phone line.

But also, it's like she's never like each time she hears it ring, it surprises her.

Like, there's a noise in the house, and she wanders around, she finds an object that's ringing, and she doesn't know what it is.

And she sort of hits buttons and tells her, Hello.

Well, she's tried three already, and but what annoys me is she'll say, Hello, Gran, and she'll go, Who's that?

Oh, come on.

You must recognise me by now.

I'm the only person who calls except about three other people.

I'm not the girl.

And my granny, she's had this for years.

It's not just that she gets.

She'll go through all of the family's name until she gets to.

So my light is to do that.

My light is to do that.

She knows it's me, but she'll go, hello, Ron, Elaine, Alex, Steve.

Exactly.

Yeah.

But it's the same with each member of the family, whichever one of us she's talking to.

It's the other one's love.

Yeah.

Oh, dear.

So you've spoken to your mum and dad, you've changed the tiles, you've had lunch.

The tele's not on.

Suzanne comes in.

You've made her dinner?

No.

Right.

What happens there?

Now, what happens there?

What time does she get in?

You've done all this by about four or five, have you?

About, well, I'm tidying up.

I normally keep my eye on the clock.

I'd like to give myself like 40 odd minutes to clean up.

Right.

Kitchen's all clean, ready for her to make the tea.

Ready for her to make the tea?

Even though you've been...

I know you've been tiding, but that was a sort of...

job you gave yourself.

You didn't have to do it.

No, but I don't do cooking.

She knows that.

This isn't even a discussion.

Right.

She knows.

Like today, I've got to get some thin chips.

So I'll do that.

You mean fries?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, it's frozen in the bag or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got to get some of them.

And what are you having?

What you're having tonight?

Scampy.

So

that's shot bought scampy.

Just what do you do?

Just

deep fries.

I don't know.

I think it's just stuck it in the oven.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So she'll do all that.

I'll eat it.

And sorry, let me just move on for a second.

I'll eat it.

He's listing it in his day's work.

I'll eat it.

I say, I've eaten that.

She goes, thank you.

Oven.

Do you ask her how her day's been?

I'm just interested when she comes in, you know, she's at a busy day.

She's, well, let me listen, don't jump to conclusions, Rick, all right?

Okay, so she's just a little bit of a clean.

Okay, let's act it out.

Okay, you've just cleaned up, right?

The last bit there.

You look back, them tiles look good.

You look at the clock.

Oh, what time is it?

She usually comes through the door.

Well,

I don't know,

it can change.

She calls and warns me.

Right.

Let's go through.

Take me through, okay?

The end of the day.

Right.

Vacking up, cleaning up all the mess.

Oh, phone's going.

Who's that?

Suzanne.

Alright.

Yeah, coming home.

Alright, then.

See you in a bit.

She'll go.

I'll uh

I'll put the kettle on or at least fill it ready.

'Cause she normally calls again.

What do you mean?

She calls again.

What?

She calls again when she's out of the tube.

Let's do it.

Let's hear it.

What's going on?

Alright.

You out the tube.

Yeah, do you have a cup of tea?

Yeah.

Alright, see you in a minute.

Uh flick the kettle on.

Get the tea bags out.

Make a cup of tea.

Milk?

Bit of milk.

Sometimes I'll say, Oh, get us a little little treat when you come out of the tube.

So she'll get me, you know, a bounty or something to go with a cup of tea.

She'll come in.

It's about 40 tea, though, isn't it?

Yeah, but it's going to be another 40-odd minutes.

So you have a bounty before you have a meal?

Not every day, just sometimes.

If I fancied, if I need a sugar low, I've got a touch of diabetes.

No, you haven't.

I have.

I feel like a bit shaky.

Oh, so you just made that up.

So you have got no evidence whether you've got diabetes.

I think you've got evidence of it, but I've think I don't.

So there's no evidence, but let's believe in it anyway.

Well, I have a bounty that normally sorts it out.

To me, that's a sign of diabetes.

Otherwise what's wrong with me?

So um you're just a greedy fucker.

No, I'm telling you, I sometimes need it.

I get a proper urge for a Mars bar.

I go I've got to have one.

What do you have a bounty for then?

No, just to mix it up'cause I get sick of Mars bars.

Do you?

Well when you have when you or when you say get me a bounty, have you got an urge for a bounty then or a Mars bar?

Um well it's just that they're both quite equal in sugar content.

Yeah, but

there's a a lot that's you specify then when you say get me a treat she says well well what?

Sometimes you have a Mars bar, sometimes you have a Mars bar bar.

No that's that's enough for me.

I've got when when she comes in, it's a talking topic, innit?

What have you got me?

Topic?

Sometimes it gets you a topic.

You know, it's it's it's something to chat about, isn't it?

Right, okay.

So, uh, has there ever been a time, sorry, I just gotta get this straight, Steve.

Sorry, Rick, I just wanted to say could could you imagine you and I having a conversation about what chocolate bar you ever brought me.

What did you get me, Rick?

Uh, I've got your bounty, is that all right?

Thanks, mate.

That's as long as that conversation can possibly go.

You're talking about it, it's a talking point.

Yeah, so what happens?

So, what was the last last time there was a discussion about what she bought you?

Did she ever bring you a bounty?

And you go, I was really hoping for a Mars bar.

I think the last time she got a bounty, I sort of said, Oh, they do a three-pack now.

Do you know how they just have two bars?

They do a three-one.

Right, what did she say?

She said, Did he?

So I want out of this relationship.

No, but that's how a chat starts.

And they'll go, Yeah, that's why there's fatter people now.

Everything's in bigger amounts, innit?

It used to just be one, like a Milky Way.

Now you can get a three-pack.

And then they're saying, saying, Oh, there's fat people, because that's the thing.

She's sort of been talking to people all day.

I've been tiling, listening to the radio, hearing reports of obesity.

So, this is a chance for me to tell her what I've learned, in a way, right?

So, I'll end two with that.

I bet she loves coming through that door.

Well, she comes through, took a coat off, I'll go, Oh, she'll go, are we having scampy still, or have you gone off the idea?

And then I'll go, oh, you know, we should get them tablets.

My mum's been talking about.

She goes, What tablets?

I go, the food.

So, see how it's all coming together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, it's like that, and that's that's what does she say to the idea of now living on tablets instead of having some scampion chips when she comes home after a hard day's work?

What does she say?

She just sort of goes, all right.

She says, all right, yeah.

So, this important information which you're imparting that you've gathered during the day, her response to that is, all right.

So, and then I'll just get her attention at some point.

I'll say, there's worms with teeth.

I'll get her attention at some point.

I'll say it.

I'm going to bring out the good big guns now.

She's ignoring me.

Okay, wait for this.

Suzanne, I see you.

You're ignoring me.

Yeah.

Worms with teeth.

Oh, God.

Amazing.

So, what does she say to worms have teeth?

I can't remember.

She just sort of said, oh, have you got the facts right?

I said, yeah.

That's kind of it.

And she'll either go, all right, or she'll.

I mean, it's pretty rare that it's anything more than that.

So it's not a conversation, really, is it?

No.

Because the response twice now has been, all right.

Right.

So

so

she's looking forward to some championships.

She hands over your bounty.

You go, oh, they do three.

Yeah, whatever.

Right.

What happens next?

Take us through.

I'll sort of say, anything to report?

Anything gone on today?

And she knows

I sort of phase off again.

It's like a phone call.

She'll go, oh, so-and-so's leaving or whatever.

And I don't know these people.

And I'm not that interested.

And she senses that.

Yeah.

Yep.

So she'll go, have you paid the insurance?

I'm going, no, I forgot.

She's going, I've told you to do that.

I said, yeah, but I've been doing the tiling.

She's going, yeah, but you didn't weren't meant to do the tiling.

I should sort the insurance out on the washer because the washer keeps breaking.

And she won't let me fix it, even though I know what it was, it was a heating element.

I said,

I know how to fix that.

But she was going, no, I don't want you messing with it'cause it's if you flood the kitchen out, it's you know, it makes a mess.

So, anyway, so I've got to sort that out.

I still haven't done it.

I should have done that today.

Then have a game of crib.

Oh, God.

Oh, it's like being in an old people's home.

I know.

But I'll tell you what,

put the telly on, because there's some flump on there that might give you an insight.

No.

No?

No, not until.

Like I've said to you before, unless she knows what she's putting it on for, it doesn't go on.

Right.

None of this flesh.

So when she says, let's put the telly on, you go, okay, Suzanne, what are we going to watch?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

And she goes

and she goes, I don't know.

Should we have a look what's on?

I say, look what's on first.

But have you got a Radio Times or a dozen?

Yeah, I've got a lacquer magazine that comes with a paper at the weekend.

I go through that.

If there's anything on your fancy, we'll look at it.

If not, we don't need it on, put the radio on.

Right.

And then she has a look and she'll go, the apprentice is on.

I'll go, okay.

You can have it on.

Right.

If she goes, oh, there's.

I can't remember a time when I've said, no, you're not having that on.

Um you're quite patriarchal, aren't you, wouldn't you say?

What do you mean?

Well, the man of the house rules the rules, yeah.

You pretty much stay the rules down, don't you?

No, because she still does what she wants, even though I'm saying you're clumping about again, making a racket.

She does it more, but it works, doesn't it?

Yeah, sounds like it.

And um, so you've you've had a lovely game of crib with Suzanne, because you know, the magic's still there.

And uh, what time do you hit the sack?

Dunno, about 11.

Do you go to bed at the same time?

Yeah.

So that's it.

Yeah, that's the day we were.

Well, hang on, we haven't finished yet.

So, any conversation before bed?

Depends if the radio is on.

I might say, look, here's that story about the worm.

Yeah.

And then she'll go, yeah, but look, it hasn't got teeth.

It said this, that, and the other.

And I'll go, oh, yeah,

forgot.

Good night.

That's the end of that.

Another day closer to death.

Well, that was a free podcast.

I suppose we'd call that a day in the life of Carl Pilkington.

That's a little thank you to all the fans who bought the audiobooks.

It's not much of a gift, is it?

Wow, it's something, isn't it?

I mean, I know Carl did it begrudgingly, but thank you for downloading the audiobooks.

All these years, Carl's very grateful, really.

It means he can go and buy as much grouting as he'll ever need.

And thank you to people who've bought the book, An Idiot Abroad, and

watched the programme.

If you still can't get enough, Carl, the DVD An Idiot Abroad is out.

That's a lovely Christmas gift for all the family.

Order that now at amazon.co.uk or Carl.

Yeah, or your retailer of choice.

You're a retailer.

You're a retailer of choice.

Or go out and buy it.

Get off your ass and buy it.

Go out for a walk and buy an idiot abroad on DVD and the book.

And what a lovely Christmas gift the Ricky Gervais show would make as well on DVD.

Animated ramblings from the round-headed moron.

Some people don't even realize that the idiot abroad is Carl Pilkerton from the Ricky Gervais Show.

If you're on Twitter and Facebook and MySpace, or if you've got just friends you actually talk to via the mouth, then tell them if they enjoyed An Idiot Abroad to get the Ricky Gervais show on audiobook or DVD.

And while you're at it, buy my new stand-up on DVD, Science.

I don't know.

I don't know, Rick.

That seems a shameless plug.

Well,

what was all the other shit then?

Yeah, that was just talking to the fans.

That's because you get a third of all the other stuff.

Alright, let's not talk.

Let's not reduce it to money.

Carl's on it.

On what?

On the science DVD.

I've done a special programme where I interview him for science, which is amazing.

But my favourite bit is probably when he meets Warwick Davis.

His little...

I stitched him right up.

He thought he was going to have a talk about science.

We hid Warwick, right?

We had to keep it in a different room.

And then Carl sat down, thought he was talking about science.

And I went, got a little fella, and Warwick walks out.

And your little face.

And Warwick confronted him over some of the words he's used: midget.

Yes, I remember the famous midget

hippopotamus story.

Yeah, I'm sure you used the word midget there far too many times.

Yeah.

So there's a few things to buy at Christmas.

Go out and buy one of our DVDs or books.

This was free.

Now pay for something.