Guide To... S2E6 "The World Cup" (June 12, 2010)

As Bill Shankly once said, Some people think football is a matter of life and death.

I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

The World Cup is the most watched sporting event in the world, with 32 teams battling it out for the most coveted prize in football.

For the first time in history, an African nation will host the tournament this year.

Seen as controversial by some and by others as an example of soccer's ability to be progressive and inspiring.

How will England fare?

Which teams are the front-runners?

And who are the rank outsiders?

To discuss the beautiful game, I'm joined by Stephen Merchant, a ward-winning writer and graduate of the University of Warwick.

Who?

And Carl Pilkington, a man with a head like a fucking football.

An orange one.

Oh, I'm finished.

Come!

Alright.

What are you doing?

I'll try to calm my gums down.

Well, you don't do it with water.

What do you do it with?

Do you do it with gums down?

You do it with meditation and hard drugs.

What's the problem with your gums?

When I'm stressed out, my teeth know.

What?

What are you going to say that again?

When I'm sort of stressed out, my gums and my teeth know before I do.

It's like a weakness.

So, what's up?

You've got a toothache then?

I thought you went to the dentist.

I did the other week.

Well, what's wrong with your teeth then?

It's just because you're stressed.

I don't know.

Why are you stressed?

What have you got to be stressed about?

I don't know.

That's what's weird with stress, isn't it?

No.

Your body can be stressed without you realising.

That's what you're doing.

No, stressed.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're stressed because you feel stressed and then your body gets weak because you're...

No, because I'm pretty good.

I never feel stressed.

That's part of my problem.

I am stressed, but I don't know about it.

That doesn't make any sense at all.

It's number one killer.

What?

You never get stressed.

If you don't feel stressed, how are you stressed?

But you must be stressed if you're talking for testimonials.

It's like saying, I didn't feel I had a pain, but apparently I did.

Listen, go on.

I was in Israel recently.

I had a bag put over my head, chucked in the back of a van.

Now, the thing is, I kind of thought, well...

It wasn't a blind date, by the way, and he wasn't being arrested or kidnapped.

It was a training thing, wasn't it?

For kidnapping situations.

No, I didn't know.

What, you didn't know they were going to do it?

Brilliant.

No, they don't tell me anything, do they?

That's good.

So, what happened then?

So, the thing is,

that happened.

I had a panic on a little bit.

Afterwards, they took the bag off.

I realised everything was alright.

I was calm, but my body was shaking.

And that's what I was saying.

That doesn't make any sense.

My body, as far as my body was concerned, it had just been kidnapped.

Right.

But I knew I hadn't.

Anyway, football.

You know the bag they put over your head?

Was it like a tennis racket cover?

What what shape was it?

You sure they just didn't go and thought, Oh, I thought I'd just bought the world's biggest orange?

Come on, let's do this.

Right.

Soccer.

Yeah.

The World Cup.

We thought we'd jump on the bandwagon with every other fucker who's doing a World Cup podcast.

Um, uh, even though we've got nothing to say about it.

Whoa, what?

I've got a few things.

Yeah, but it's gonna be so disappointing.

We're gonna get excited.

We're going to sit down.

In fact, if you're listening to this now, England are probably out of the fucking World Cup.

I disagree with you.

I'm right behind the lads.

Yeah, right, okay.

But do you remember, because I've watched the World Cup a few times with Ricky in different projects we've been doing in the past, we've been in different situations.

Do you remember when?

I think it.

The last time we qualified, we were doing a project and we were we watched it together in a hotel room.

Well, we were watching extras, right?

And making extras.

Making extras, yeah.

And

we watched it.

We said, oh, go into my my room.

I went to C's room.

But, of course, in the hotel room, it was just like a big bed.

So we sat on the bed together, and we thought that was a bit intense.

So I put a line of pillows down.

But I don't understand what.

He was put a line of pillows between us.

Now, he knows I'm not going to jump on it.

No, I know.

He's not going to jump on me.

No, but he's still terrified that some kind of...

like some kind of paparazzi is going to sort of parasit down the building and peer in and take a photo of us.

And that's before we've got time to explain that we're just watching the football, it's already printed going, well, this is clearly evidence of their gay.

There's no way that they could possibly be sat on a bed just as friends.

No, but hold on though.

Why were we naked?

Why didn't we just pop some trousers on?

But I didn't remember that you, even though it was my room, you forced me to sit in the chair.

That was one of those really uncomfortable box chairs.

I said, it's weird.

I can't get excited.

We're having a beer.

Okay.

So now we're drinking.

Now we're drinking in bed.

On the bed.

No, no, no.

We had our clothes on.

We're on the bed watching football.

But I couldn't go, come on, England, with a little man sitting next to me in the bed.

Not a little man at all.

No, big man.

And so I just thought, let's pop the pillows down.

That wasn't enough.

I said, Steve, I can't do this.

I can't watch football with a man on a bed.

I said, so...

go in the chair.

When I sat in this chair, which is if you're a man of my size, those tiny little crappy hotel box chairs are no good.

It's ninety bloody minutes plus the end of the it was my room, I was furious.

I felt like I was um uh uh like an old rich man just waiting to die and my my little man servant used to come and sit and watch football with me in the last days of my time.

I'm in bed going, oh it's gone again.

He goes all right I'm up later.

Look, Rooney's taking a penalty.

No, it's gone.

It's all out.

I go, oh dear.

So oh yeah, let me clean it up.

We can put this on pause.

It's Sky Plus.

Let's open a window.

Yeah, yeah.

But the thing is that the most,

often I think football fans are very homoerotic.

They're hugging each other, jumping on each other, swapping shirts and stuff.

So there's nothing wrong with being intimate watching a football game.

Yeah, but I don't think gay people do that.

Gay people don't run around hugging each other and swapping shirts, do they?

They get stuck in.

Carl, would you sit on a bed, right, with Stephen in a hotel room, right, watching football?

Okay, you're pouring, you're pouring each other wine and beer and shabby.

Well, no, there wasn't that music playing.

There was the roar of the crowd and John Watson doing commentary.

It's not a sexy sound at all.

What do you think, Carl?

Someone said, oh, come to my room.

We're watching football.

You got there, and he went,

Well, who was on the bed first?

What happened?

Who was on the bed first?

Well, he probably got up to answer the door.

So he, so, I don't know.

I came in.

I thought, well, there's only a bed here.

We sat down.

We thought, yeah.

No, but it wasn't.

It was a chair there.

Well, yeah, but you know full well that if you're in a room with Ricky, he's the one who's going to leap straight on the bed and demand that you.

I just had a chair.

Well, why would you be concerned with lying on a bed next to me?

What's up with that?

It's a bit weird, isn't it?

Why is it weird?

I don't understand this.

Because I've changed my tune.

It's a bit weird lying on a bed with a mate, just watching football.

Yeah, you don't do that when you go around a house, do you?

Yeah, but it's because you have a sofa and things.

We didn't have that in the...

Yeah, but when you visit someone in hospital, you don't say, move over.

You don't pop yourself down next to them.

You sit on a chair next to them.

No, because you're not there in a relaxed situation for 90 minutes enjoying a game of sport.

It's just a more formal environment.

Because you're quite a sport fan, aren't you, Carl?

Yeah, but not in.

I don't like getting into things too much.

Because it can always be disappointing.

I've never seen you get into anything, to be quite honest.

No, I am a football fan, but

I've got it now to a point where

if they lose, it only bothers me for about half an hour.

Yeah.

And then I move on.

Because the thing is, I'm not in control of it.

There's nothing I can do to alter that team.

If I could go in and say, listen, you're lazy, you get your finger out, you move up front, but it's different.

But it's totally

like getting annoyed.

with nature.

There's nothing you can do.

So let it happen.

Watch it if you want, but don't get annoyed about it because it's totally out of your hands.

Interesting that Carl's team tactics also sounds like he could be directing a gay porn.

You get your finger out.

You get up front.

You're lazy.

Oh, that's amazing.

What do you think of these people, though?

I love it that everyone's an expert.

Everyone's a pundit.

You see these fat people in pubs going, well, he's lost a few yards up front.

Yeah.

You fucking score a goal then, fatty.

wearing a football top yeah I hate that exactly yeah they shouldn't make them for them shouldn't make them in that size it should be one size only if you're fit enough to play football you can wear one if you're a fatty you're not

you look ridiculous anyway but what's that last what are you talking about so you'll be a big fat slob with his belly out in an England shirt going I could score from there go on then let's have a go

hey listen calm down don't be slagging off the fans because that's what it's all about all football's all about the supporters isn't it you know let's not forget these people paid millions to entertain us.

If we want to drink till we're fat and eat pork pies and then put on an English shirt, we'll do it.

That is the British way, that is the English way, that is what we want a war for.

What difference does it make if we win or lose?

That's what I always look at-the end result.

How can you say you like football and then give us that argument?

The only reason to watch football is the excitement of the challenge.

Yeah, it's entertainment.

It's nice to see a better skill on the business.

But that is because it's entertaining.

Yeah.

But what I'm saying is, enjoy the game for what it is and then forget about it.

If fat Bob in the pub

he's got his football top on.

Just.

He gets all annoyed when England, you know, lose.

Yeah.

What difference does it make?

What difference does it make if they lose there or lose in the final?

That's the point.

Well, I'll tell you what difference it makes.

I knew a fat Bob, okay?

That wasn't his name, but I'm changing the name to protect the innocent and him.

And he's not innocent, right?

Was it Fat Dave?

It was a big fat bloke, right?

And he worked on one of the crews

that used to bring in equipment where I used to work at the Students' Union, okay?

And

he was massive, right?

And

I think it was 1990 or 1992, the Euro, right, when England got knocked out and he went mental.

And he was so angry, he went out and he wanted retribution.

Okay, luckily there were no German people around, but the closest he could find was a sausage van.

Some poor fellow who delivered sausages and he turned it over.

He got the van and he turned it over because it was selling sausages, so he thought that's German enough.

No, well, if he's fat, he's probably just annoyed that it wasn't open.

I am very excited because Peter Crouch is in the tournament.

Now, Peter Crouch.

You identify with him.

I love Crouchy.

He's exactly the same height as me.

6'7.

He's sort of lanky and awkward looking.

Right, but brilliant.

I mean, still a very...

You know, let's not forget that he is playing in the national squad.

He is a striker.

You know, he's got an excellent track record of scoring for England.

Admittedly, maybe not in the super top important games, but nevertheless, tremendous.

He's like your role model.

He's like your pin up.

He's a role model.

He wrote an autobiography, which I was going to call my autobiography, Tall Stories.

Crouchy got there first, but good luck to him.

I give it to him.

I'm happy for him to do that.

I once got, someone came up to me in a club once and said, are you Peter Crouch?

I said, yeah.

I thought, she thinks I'm crouchy.

What's the problem?

Let's see how far we can get with this before the truth will out.

But I was disappointed.

I wasn't sure you wore glasses.

No, exactly.

I'm sort of off duty, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I don't wear them on the field.

Do you think he'd have had a different career if he'd have worn glasses from the age of five, like you?

This is one of the reasons I've not been a great footballer.

Have you ever seen me doing any form of athletics or sport?

No.

Because I like to think I look quite elegant.

You know, I feel like I'm actually in control of it.

But when I look back, if someone's videoed it, I look like one of those giant costumes in It's a Knockout.

you know, where the arms are flapping and they fall dead, they just fall over it, no weird expression on their head.

Yeah, but one of the things I was disappointed that I was looking at because obviously around this time of the year, there's lots of advertising because of the footballers are all getting endorsements.

And I was looking to see what each one was doing.

And Wayne Rooney, he's got endorsement deals with Nike, with Nokia, Coca-Cola, Lampard, Pepsi, and Adidas.

Peter Grouch, you know what he's advertising?

Go on.

Pringles.

It's not the coolest one, one, is it?

Pringles.

I mean, even the name Pringles.

It's sort of like an insult, isn't it?

Who's that Pringle?

Hold on.

Is that Crouchy?

No, it's Steve Merchant.

I mean, I love Pringles.

Yeah.

And I'm pleased to see Crouchies associated, but I was talking about it.

Don't bother mentioning Pringles thinking you're getting some free Pringles because he went on about munches and then we got another fucking sniff.

Well, true.

True.

What do you think of that, Carl?

But are you a fan of Crouchy?

You must be.

They're all much of a munchiness.

Honestly,

I didn't want to come in here and start talking about football.

I'll watch it.

Um

I want to come in here and talk what what what a thing to say.

What?

Imagine Gary Lineker going, hello, well, obviously I didn't want to be here today, talk about football.

Fed up, I've got better things to do.

No, no, but it's something you talk about.

I mean, it's it's ridiculous coming in here talking about it before we've even kicked a ball.

Who knows what's going to happen?

If there's one thing that's good about it, is that innit?

Not knowing it.

Well, that's what I don't understand.

I don't understand all this punditry.

Why we have a three-hour build-up, then they talk about it after him, then they talk about it for half hour afterwards.

I mean, for me, it's like it's kickoff.

Who won?

They did 3-1.

Alright, cheers.

Let's get on with work.

But also, we like the whinging after.

We are a, you know, this country loves a moan.

They love it.

Yeah.

I love it.

Love a good moan.

I don't know how we'd be if we won.

We'd go, all right,

what would you talk about?

Yeah.

See, back in 1966, people weren't as miserable.

Right.

Okay, let's, well, hang on, I'd like to hear this theory extrapolated.

Well, they weren't, were they?

People were,

you know, the war had happened not that long ago.

Right.

People getting on with it.

66, everyone's smart.

You know, you dressed up if you went out.

You know, they weren't on as much money.

The footballers.

Footballers.

It was just a game of football.

Whereas now, it's like all this build-up going on.

Just get on with it.

You know, I'm sick of it.

Honestly, I'm sick and tired of hearing about it.

I'm with you.

I'm with you.

I do think it's ridiculous that

there's a match and the programme before it's like two hours before it and then an hour after it.

Well, that's just a shameless attempt to keep people.

I mean, let's be honest, you and I have been guilty of being involved with that.

We've done various little skits and sketches in the past.

But that's fun.

I mean, we do that for us, not for them.

I don't care whether people like it or not.

I did it because it was fun.

I dressed up you and a dwarf.

The day doesn't get better than that.

Well, I was in a pub watching that year, and I'd forgotten that we'd done that, or at least that it was going to be shown that day.

So I'm in this pub, it's crammed, obviously.

And that comes on, the turn is on the big screen, and suddenly that's that sketch, right?

A couple of things among me.

One, no one was paying attention.

I was furious.

I was thinking there's a couple of good-looking birds here.

Well, at least on the fucking tunnel, aren't they?

Oh, look at the tunnels.

I mean, the sketch was Ricky James and Mark Davis and Dwarf out playing crouchy.

No one not paying attention.

The few that were not amused at all could not get.

My mother, of course, remembers famously said, That's the funniest thing you've ever done, which we knocked off in about 20 minutes.

No one in the pub seemed interested.

And then a few people looked round, looked at me, looked at the screen, sort of shrugged, carried on going.

Nothing.

Nothing.

But also kind of it's it is embarrassing that situation.

I was on a flight,

internal flight in America.

And you know, on the the internal flights, you don't get individual screens.

They give you individual players, but there's also screens all down the aisle for people, right?

But Ghost Town was on.

Looked over.

Someone watching the extras.

And

I had to make sure that at no point did I glance up at the screen like he's watching himself and make sure I flicked over whenever it came up the office or extras.

Yeah, if I'm on the tube and I'm flipping through the paper, sometimes there'll be an interview with you that I'm not aware is going to be in the paper, yeah, and I have to flip on by because I don't want to plug on the tube because I'm all reading about your mate, are you?

Yeah, don't get enough of him, do you?

Need to be reading it, you know what I mean?

Carl,

have you been recognised?

Do you ever get recognised much?

Yeah, now and again, but I haven't done anything of any worth.

Other it's almost like recognising a neighbour or or something because they sort of go it's him and then the other one might go what's he do god i don't know it's not like i've done something right of any worth of any worth yeah yeah none of us are doing of any worth it's all relative to the entertainment industry you know what whatever you think of the office you know i'm very proud of it but i haven't secured a bunker in enemy territory i haven't given a kidney away do you know what i mean it's all relative it's just did you entertain anyone did you you know bring a smile to someone's face?

Was it a laugh?

I think you're forgetting all those emails I pass on to you for those people that have had traumas in their lives, you know, the earthquake victim, there's people that have lost relatives or had you know, terrible life-threatening diseases, and they say the podcast got them through.

Doesn't that warm the cockles of your heart?

Well, normally it's it's gone straight to you, and it, and you just forward it me on, so it's it's almost like spam to me.

It doesn't, it doesn't feel as special because it's like, here you go, look at this, you know, unbelievable.

I've got the new iPad.

I've had it for a few months, actually.

It got sent to me by the inventor.

That's who you're dealing with there, Steve.

You've got it on you.

You're still getting free shit.

My favourite app on this is that you just type in what you want it to say and it says it.

Carl has got a head like a fucking orange.

But can't.

That's good, that.

That's almost certainly what it was designed for.

I haven't seen that on the advert.

Carl has got a head like a fucking orange.

The cunt.

Great.

She sounds like a Radio 4 news announcer.

So what is that for?

For doing that?

Carl has got a head like a fucking orange.

The cunt.

Yeah.

Did I mention his round head?

Good.

Right, and so uh.

I think I first became really excited by the World Cup that famous year when Maradona did the handball.

Do you remember what was that, 1969?

1996.

Yeah.

Oh, that was so exciting.

Because obviously he'd been so brilliant in that tournament, and then he did cheat, as we all know.

Yeah.

What do you make of that?

Do you remember that moment, Carl?

That was very formative for you.

I know what I made of it.

The cunt.

I don't know, isn't cheating part of all games now?

Hang on, here we go.

That's controversial.

There's a lot of young people who look up to Carl as a role model.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's the world we live in now, innit?

It's

get what you can, how you can.

But what's your feeling?

Are you the sort of person?

I mean, have you ever cheated in a game?

Are you that sort of person?

I just think my dad does it a lot.

What in board games, innit?

Yeah, just cards.

You know, Monopoly.

How does he cheat in Monopoly?

Just nicks a lot of the money.

Oh, just straightforward nicks the money.

I hadn't thought of that.

I love that.

But how do you not notice he's been doing it?

He He doesn't.

I'm busy looking at what properties I've invested in and stuff.

And the money's just there, isn't it?

See, I don't see the point of changing.

No, I don't.

I say that to him.

I say, you're kidding yourself.

You're kidding yourself.

But to him, he's broke the system, isn't he?

He's got round the rules.

What do you mean I can only have that much?

Who says I can?

Bosh.

Get some more money.

Buy some more hotels.

And in a way, that's life, innit?

All people with loads of money now, you kind of go, have they made that honestly?

Right.

You know, I've passed big houses in London and I think gangsters gotta be gangsters to have a house like that.

Yeah.

There's no way a normal job, someone who's because I know I'm trying to make money and I know how hard it is to make money.

Because the more money you make, the more hands are out there taking little bits.

So how the hell has this man bought this house?

It's gotta be a crook.

So do you yourself cheat?

Would you consider yourself a cheater?

Are you honourable?

In games.

Well, just generally, do you cheat on anything?

No, do you know what?

The other week, I'd had a cup of tea and some fish and chips

from this pub, and they only took for one.

And I went back the next day and said, Oh, you didn't charge me for my fish and chips.

What a fucking moron.

I paid.

No, I didn't tell about the tea, though.

Got a free tea?

The free tea, yeah.

I just thought, well, you know, it's pretty good that I've gone back to pay for that.

How much is a tea bag?

The water's free.

Yeah.

I'll have that for free.

So that again, that's just me.

It's like the Mars bar and the paper round.

It's me going, well, I've been good.

The fish would have cost money.

Potatoes are pretty cheap.

But I'll pay for it.

But for my goodness, as a little gift, I have a free cup of tea.

But who's giving you the right to make that decision?

That's me, that.

That's me.

I'm deciding there.

I'm in charge.

I didn't have to go in there.

I didn't have to go back and pay.

But I went back and paid.

Tell you what, Carl, treat yourself.

How's that?

Have the cup of tea.

All right, I will do.

There's the fish and chips.

If she was good at her job, she'd have remembered.

I thought she would have done.

In a way, it annoyed me that she didn't go, oh, yeah, so you did.

Well done.

Thank you very much for coming back.

She just was like, Did you?

No, she looked at me.

She looked at me like we didn't even know.

Yeah, I was worrying about a staff member sort of getting done or having to pay for it.

I know where you're coming at, though.

One of my first disappointments with football,

I was 10 years old, okay.

And

one of the teachers was some in charge of the football team, my junior school.

And I went down

to Tutty's, it was a shop in Reading with my mum.

So it's white socks, black shorts, white shirt.

Went to, knocked on his door.

I said, I've got my kit.

He went, well, the trials were yesterday.

You've missed it.

That was it for a year.

Right?

Next year, where the trials, where the trials, got the trials, okay.

He was going, well, I want to give it 100%, right?

Really try hard, really try hard.

He's watching people play, right?

I made sure that every time I ran by him, I was out of breath.

Every time I ran by him, he sort of looked at me.

I think, yeah, right.

Came to it, he said, the team is this, I'm left out, right?

He went past me and he went, you've clearly got asthma.

So you didn't make that team either?

Yeah, and I didn't.

And I vowed that day never try hard hard at anything.

Yeah, well, you've certainly kept that up.

Yeah.

What's your thoughts on that, Carl?

Were you playing?

Do you play sport at school?

Um, a little bit, but it was never taken seriously at school.

Anyway, it was, I think, the PE teacher was a geography teacher as well.

So it's like, you know, what do you know?

It was all that.

Basically, he put some tracksuit pants on that were always too tight for him.

I'd see everything.

But what were you looking at at?

Because you couldn't help it.

It was in the days when clothing was tight as it is.

And then it was like lycra tracky bottoms.

Oh, right.

And everyone used to say, look at the state of heart.

You thought he was stealing sausages from it was ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

So he didn't know what he was doing anyway.

If anything, it was dangerous because he didn't know

what was the capability of a 10-year-old kid's body.

He put you through loads of stuff.

He didn't like me anyway because he wasn't that good.

If you're not that good, teachers don't like you.

I thought you'd be pretty good.

I wasn't interested.

That's the thing.

I did relay and I got done for swearing, got whacked on the ass with a batten.

Hold on, why were you swearing in relay?

When did that come into it?

When do you need to swear in relay?

You're running around.

How do they get it?

Because the lads wouldn't slow down, so I couldn't pass it on.

So I sort of said, fucking slow down.

And he heard me and then went mental at me.

But yeah, so it was never.

I mean, Darren Campbell,

the athlete, I've told you, I don't know that I was involved in his training.

No.

Don't know where that is.

Yeah, Darren Campbell, the uh, I think he won a gold medal.

Didn't he used to push you around in in a bath or something?

It's not the last of the summer wine.

It was

in my go-kart.

Right.

And you used to.

It was a motorised go-kart, and you had to pick it up at the back, run with it at speed, and then drop the wheels down, the engine kicked in.

But hold on, though, that means you always needed two people to get you going on a go-kart?

No, one.

He did it.

Well, where were you?

Sat in it.

Well, then you did need two, then, to get it going.

What are you on about?

I was sat in it.

Yeah.

He picks it up, runs with it, drops it down,

wheels start, engine starts, off I go.

But what would you have done without him?

Well, I couldn't have done it.

So you do need two people then for this moment, or one person.

I'm sat in it.

Yeah, but counting you, it's two people needed.

Yeah.

Fuck me.

What's so bad about that?

Well,

how can you have a play with yourself then?

And you go can't.

Sorry, this was part of his official Olympic training.

No, no, but I just feel like that was part of his early training, which is the important bit in any, you know, job or

something.

We should explain, people don't know, he was the bloke who used to push the bobsleigh in the Winter Olympics, wasn't he, for the England team?

No, he was a runner.

Well, how is that part of his training then?

Pushing a fucking go-kart.

What was he doing?

Because he's running.

But he's running about a yard.

No, no, sometimes more than that.

Quite a lot.

And it's just.

God, what do you want?

It's Darren Campbell pushing me go-kart.

You seem to be taking half the credit for his gold medal.

All you've done is sat on your ass, you lazy twat.

I just kind of think he was at the age where it's important he could have made a decision not to go into it at that point.

And I think he was never keen to get in the go-kart.

Yeah.

He was always keen to push it.

And I used to let him.

Now, if I said, no, I don't want you pushing me go-kart, who knows?

I'm just saying, I was there at the start.

Doing nothing, providing nothing.

Sitting on your ass.

Sitting Sitting around.

Letting someone else do it.

What athletes have you helped?

Well, I didn't know this was a.

Let's do a podcast about athletes we've helped.

You've not helped them come.

Kind of come prepared.

I bet if he ever did a book, an autobiography, he'd go, they, you know,

the early years, Darren Campbell.

Now, I want to know if he has done an autobiography because we're going to be looking this up.

I remember the training.

I'm making a note of that before next time we do anything.

Round up Pilkinson's.

Darren Campbell.

Pushing a go-kart.

Pushing.

Bald.

You weren't bald, Dan, were you?

Hair Trainerman.

In

crap, cheap.

Wasn't

correct.

120 quid it was.

You know how many paper hands that is?

What I like when

you're watching football on the television is if it goes to a close-up of a footballer, it's just kick the ball out, Mr.

Gar is gone for a free kick, or whatever.

If you stay on any footballer for more than 10 seconds, they would either swear or gob.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, that's a fact.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've never needed to gob that much.

I don't care how knacking I am.

I'm never gobbing like that.

It's weird, though.

The other week, I just sat in the garden.

Slathering

just to see if it would ever run out.

And it's amazing.

I don't know where it all comes from.

What is the strangest

thing?

That's amazing.

Just to see if it would run out.

So now he's got to the point in his life where,

as a hobby or a pastime, or just to count down the minutes before he dies,

he sat in the garden.

Slavering to see if he'd ever run out.

I mean, that's amazing.

Where does it all come from?

Well, you create it, don't you?

But from what?

I'm always getting done for not drinking enough water.

Salivary glands.

But it's amazing.

Honestly, I just sat like that with my head forward and just let it drip.

Fuck

me!

So Suzanne comes into the garden, and all she sees is her boyfriend sat like something from one part of the cuckoo's nest, like scribbling, battered around the head with a cricket bat.

No, she wasn't.

Did you answer that to a dictator?

Yeah.

What did he do?

Battered me.

You've got a trench up your ass as well.

Yeah, that makes me slather.

No, just sat there.

What a fucking mind.

What a div you are.

And I just had my head there, and it continuously.

I think I got bored of it before it stopped.

Oh, God!

I have never heard anything like this.

I've got a second opinion.

It's unbelievable.

He just sat there with his head down, slathering, letting it just.

You weren't even sort of like, gobbin, you would just let it

letting it sort of drop.

So

you've got nothing else going on in your life, but you've got time to do this.

So your brain wasn't even engaged.

How long are you there for?

I'll tell you what, no joking, probably a good

15 minutes.

15 minutes of sitting with his head forward,

letting him salivate onto the grass.

But do you reckon you could do that amount of time?

I would never do that.

No, we're never trying.

I'll never try.

I'd never have that amount of time.

I've never, I've never.

I tell you now, you will never see either of us sat there for no reason in the garden with our head forward and our mouth open seeing how long we can create saliva.

Unless I've just come out of a coma.

Yeah.

Yeah, or a gas attack.

Yeah.

No, I have a lot of.

I'm sort of Gaws Unlimited.

That's a great new dance duo.

And it.

Please welcome to the stage.

It's Gaws Unlimited.

Amazing.

Didn't you have a little bit of a problem in China with them all, Goz?

Goz Unlimited.

Oh, God, I tell you.

They're just spitting all the time over there.

I don't know what it's all about.

All the time.

That noise of

that continuously.

Everywhere you look.

That good sort of footballer ball of God that they sort of spit and it kind of flies a couple of.

I can't do it.

I've tried.

I can never do it.

If I try and spit, it just dribbles down my shirt.

I don't know why I can't do it.

That's amazing.

I've tried in the past.

past because it used to be cool.

I remember when I was a kid hanging out outside the spa.

What you've got to do is you've got to sit in a chair in the garden, just put your head forward and open your mouth and just let the all comes out.

And you'll probably get bored after about 15 minutes if you're a fucking moron.

I like when you're watching the football on TV and it just goes quiet for a moment.

There's like a lull in the action, and you just hear that sort of plaintive horn.

Yeah.

Come on, England.

Come on, England.

I just find it so kind of mournful.

And it's just the fact that someone's taking the effort to take it.

I don't know what instrument that is.

Is it a trumpet or is it just.

It never sounds as elegant as a trumpet.

I don't know.

It's some kind of horn.

It's sort of, it's reminiscent of like battle, though, isn't it?

Yeah.

Like there was, you know, you had all the cannons and everyone, then there was one bloke that just had to walk, one bloke that carried the flag.

But it's never triumphant.

You imagine you would have it at the funeral of a great footballer.

Yeah.

Echoing around the stadium.

It's just, it always makes me slightly depressed.

Although, it is safer to be him in a football match than when you're walking into battle.

Because if you're the fellow with a flag, you're going, well, you're a walking target.

Yeah.

Everyone can see target practice.

And then, and even if it's dark, I go, I can't hear it, but I just shoot with the sound of that trumpet.

Yeah.

And no one likes the fucking trumpet.

No one wants to hear the trumpet.

What's the trumpet?

What?

What do you mean, a trumpet into war?

Well, there used to be people that would, you know, carry an instrument that would go, dun, dun, dun-dun-da-da-dirt, or, you know, in a battle.

Yeah.

Keep them marching up, keep them around the soldiers, bloat with a flag, bloat with a drum, bloat with a trumpet.

I mean, think of this.

This

is the end of Scots guard, yeah.

Diversity.

Super bowl at the back, super at the back, just.

I'm not having this.

I don't believe that these.

Of course, I did.

Back in the day.

Are you sure that that happened?

What about the bagpipes?

What about them?

We better start going because I'm running out of breath.

It's a good job this podcast is free because if you just paid for that.

It's not a good sound anyway.

If anything, it might annoy you and then you're more angry and then you go mental with a gun.

I think that's what it's more about, innit?

Because there's certain instruments that aren't appropriate for a war, like maracas, maracas, yeah, you know what I mean?

It's just a bit too carnival, grand piano.

Oh, well, that wouldn't be appropriate at all.

No, that thing, that sort of

penny whistle or whatever.

When someone gets shot in the ass, that is when the major goes, oh, okay, well, oh, bloody hell,

yeah, yeah, yeah, no, definitely.

Yeah,

cymbals are a good sound for a war.

Cymbals.

Clashing cymbals.

Timpanies.

Very good exciting.

Cymbals, timpanies.

So at what point?

But one of those keyboard guitars.

Yeah, that's not as cool.

It's funky.

Yeah, it's cool.

Oh, the batteries are falling out.

You don't need a wild wild pedal in a war.

No, no.

So why is that stopped then?

No,

they still have military bands, don't they?

Yeah, but that's more, that's what I'm saying.

That's more like

a Sunday sort of bandstand,

let's play, we will rock you.

Yeah, yeah, but the thing about modern technology is, you know, helicopters and tanks, it's going to get drowned out, isn't it?

Years ago.

Yeah, nowadays, they send in a sort of really good sort of mega mixed DJ.

Yeah, Joe Bunny.

Yeah, exactly.

Westward's up there, going giving it.

He's doing like scratching and.

Come on, the place is mad deep with Taliban.

Yeah.

What do you think about George Best using up his liver, then getting getting another one and getting pissed again?

Clever.

Well, that's always going to encourage it, isn't it?

I've always said that.

What?

The moment we can replace stuff, people just go, oh, sod it.

What would you do if you gave someone a kidney and mess with it?

And they started just

doing drugs and shit and

well, I wouldn't hand it out to someone just like that, would I?

I think you should be allowed to say, Right, who's it for?

Can I meet them?

And then have a chat with them.

Saying, have you learnt your lesson?

Well, I'm I'm going to do it.

Okay, okay.

I'm a little kid who wants a kidney, okay?

And you've come to me.

I'm at the top of the list.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you doing?

Good.

Are you going to give me one of your kidneys so I can live?

I don't know.

Well, I'm at the top of the list, so.

Why is your head so round?

Right, so definitely not.

Why?

He's a little kid.

He's a little kid.

He's a pale.

No, I need a kidney.

He's a cheeky though, isn't he?

No.

Cheeky.

Please.

No, please, round heads.

Can I have your kidney?

No, you you can't.

Oh, come on.

You've got to kill me.

I've seen another kid.

I see another kid.

No,

I'm top of the fucking list.

Give me one of your kidneys, you round-headed twat.

No.

And I wouldn't feel bad about not giving it to you.

Well, hold on, though.

Can we have a second opinion from the nurse?

Wanker.

Thank you, nurse.

I would not feel bad about walking away from that kid and saying you cannot have a kidney.

So you're gonna, you're gonna.

Do you know what?

I'm gonna take this kidney out and bin it.

Hey, wait.

Do you know who that kid went on to become?

Your one?

Winston Churchill.

Right, well maybe I helped.

It's like Darren Campbell all over again.

I made him stronger.

I was tough with him.

He saw how tough the world is.

No, but he didn't.

It this is an alternative universe where he died because you never gave him that kidney.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, you can't worry about that then, can you?

If you're gonna start going that far back and forward and stuff.

But I think it I don't know what I'd expect someone to be like.

Just want them to go, what do you eat?

I'd I'd say write down your diet.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to really, I'm going to treasure this kidney.

I'm going to treasure it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to really work hard and I'm going to make something life more than you did.

So I'll.

So,

your kidney is going to be a lot better off than me than you, you lazy tosser.

I'll tell you that.

If you want achievement, then you know, I'm going to go to school, I'm going to do really well, unlike you, you thick little round-headed shit.

So, the quicker you get the fucking kidney out of your used body and into mine, we'll all be happy, won't we?

Okay, well, I'll go away and think about it for a month.

Well, no,

there you go.

Don't have to get nasty.

Sick of it.

Always helping people out.

That's a big ask, isn't it?

If I came to you Rick in all seriousness

and you could give me a kidney, would you give me a kidney?

What if I end up needing it?

Well, yeah, but that's the point, isn't it?

That you're doing something can be.

Can I have it back?

Can I have it back if I need it?

What?

No, because I need it.

already i've mine a failure i need at least one i need at least one yeah you need one okay yeah right okay this is on loan because if my other one goes i want that back because then i'll be on one well no you yeah but then we're both on one no no right you've got your yours yours are fucked so you might as well be on none i've got two okay i will give you one yeah right with the express understanding that if my remaining one packs up I want that one back.

It's on loan.

If we both live out our life, then so be it.

But if this other one goes and they say, well, you need another kidney, I go, right, I know where I've kept one for the last 10 years.

So you're going to come to me.

You've gone, not, not.

I've opened the door.

My beautiful supermodel wife is there.

She's going to go.

Oh, his kidneys are brilliant now.

Yeah, I'm loving it.

It's great.

He never stops having the sex.

Yeah.

She's making us iced teas.

She says, come in, Rick.

Yeah.

Sit down.

So good.

She says, I love you.

Thank you so much.

I'm trying.

I don't know.

This lovely man.

I know you've not got long to live because you're old.

Yeah.

You've had a good inning.

Well, you've had a good 10 years, though, haven't you, with with this kidney?

And that was a, you know, but

I love this man.

You can return to the kids.

And so young and we can't.

Give me back my fucking kidney.

We've got two beautiful children.

Right, I'll tell you what.

Give me my kidney back and have one of theirs.

Two beautiful kids.

Yeah.

There's small little kidneys and kids.

There's four to choose from.

They're growing you.

They're growing you.

It's like when you put a little plant in a big pot.

They grow.

They're catch up.

The kidneys are growing too.

So I'll have my kidneys back, and you've got four to choose from there.

Take one of each and you'll have two little kidneys to make one big kidney.

Johnson, can you have have this man removed from my house?

Would you give anyone a kidney, Carl?

Suzanne?

I'm sure you would give Suzanne a kidney.

Well, obviously, you'd give Suzanne a kidney, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

Well, would you, or are you just saying that?

Dispose I would.

I don't really like the idea of it.

So, if what you're saying, what are you saying to Suzanne right now if she's listening to this podcast?

Carl, good luck.

Bit of good luck.

You know, I need a kidney.

And it's got quite rare.

Well, we've got the same sort of blood group and everything.

So,

yeah, you've got two, I've got none.

Bibbity Bob, one each.

Let's have a good life.

Yeah?

I don't know.

Yeah, you'll have to have it.

Which one are you thinking of going for?

Because

I think the right one's a bit dodgy because they had the kidney stone.

Well, you keep that one.

I love that one.

I'll have the left one.

No, I'll tell you what, you have that one, because when I was in all the pain, you were going, it can't be that bad.

So you have it.

It's in good working order.

they've looked at it, yeah, but it is prone to stones

that he's using this to get back at her for saying it cannot be that bad.

It's like poetic justice, he can give her the kidney she didn't believe was that painful.

So, let her have that.

And

I don't know what's life like with one kidney,

you've got to be more careful, you've got diet, you know, for specific diets, yeah, it is more dangerous, more of a strain on it, but you know, Don't like talking about it.

It's all

freaks me out.

Freaks me out.

It's all doing stuff now.

The kidneys doing stuff.

Yeah.

My teeth are hurting still.

Still got a little bit of toothache going on there.

I've got a sweat on.

All stuff's going on without me knowing.

Germs whizzing round.

I've had jabs for rabies.

I've had hepatitis A and B.

I don't even know what that does.

I've had A and I've had B.

That's whizzing round my body.

Body's in shock, innit at the moment.

It doesn't know what's going on.

I've had how is it notifying you of the shock?

Well, the thing, like I say, I keep getting this sweat.

And

what else have I had?

Typhoid.

Doesn't they shouldn't?

All this stuff shouldn't be in my body, should it?

And we don't really know, do we?

They're saying, Yeah, have this, have that, shove it in your arm, it's alright.

But we don't really know.

Long-term effect.

I've got rabies in me.

I never thought I'd have to have that.

tetanus

I've had

T B

well enjoy the World Cup everyone

come on England come on boys

had um

One for if they get bit by a dirty monkey

well that's about it for the Ricky Gervais Guide to the World Cup.

Um it was very uh informative and interesting chat there.

Um if you've enjoyed this one, you can get the entire back catalogue.

All the guides.

There's 10 guides on iTunes.

It's under.

What is it under now?

They keep moving it around.

They didn't like us clogging up the chart in the audiobooks.

We were basically taking up the whole charts.

They made a new section, which is, isn't it like programmes and periodicals or something?

And now we're the top 18 in that.

So,

yeah.

Also, of course, Ricky, if people like Carl's ramblings, they can see him and us in animated form.

The Ricky Java show coming soon on DVD.

Just go to amazon.co.uk or amazon.com or play.

I'll just guess if you're going to go to a shop.

Good luck, England.

And thank you so much to Positive Internet.

Those guys allow us to do these free podcasts.

Someone's got to pay for these, and those guys do and do a great job.

So enjoy the free ones, but buy the ones for a couple of quid as well, please.

Carl wants another house.