Guide To... S2E5 "The Earth" (February 23, 2010)

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Testing.

Testing.

This is almost the environment more than it is, isn't it?

We already publicised it as the Earth.

Well, yeah, but it doesn't matter.

I mean, yeah, but that's fine.

The Earth.

We talked about the Earth.

Well, no, we talked about what?

I said, what do you mean, why is it called the Earth?

You mean why is the Earth called the Earth?

It's just something I never never say.

I never say earth.

I say world.

Well it depends.

It's not called the world is it?

Because a world is it's relative.

Mars is a world.

It's the world because it's our world.

But there are many worlds aren't there?

You could say the world of something.

You couldn't say the earth of something.

The earth is the name of the planet.

But when do we need that?

What?

When do we need to say the earth?

When we're referring to the earth.

When does that ever happen?

Well, for instance, right now, when we're talking about the Earth, being that this is the name of this

book.

To distinguish it from other planets.

If I was in.

I know, but when's that ever going to be a problem for me?

What?

It's not all about you.

If I was in a rocket.

Yeah, right, here we go.

I'm sat at the front.

Sat in the front, sat in the sky.

The pilot goes, Carl, come up here, mate.

And I look in the mirror and I see

mirror in the rocket.

Mirror, check, reverse, indicate.

Brilliant.

and i see the world i'd say look oh don't the world look magnificent what do you mean yeah yeah that's how i'd say it i wouldn't say earth i wouldn't dream of using the word earth but then you're in a different you could say well this is our world now for the next year this is our world this spaceship say no not really

looking back over there i'm looking at there's our world there's our there's england there not anymore mate we're moving to mars We're going to start a whole new world.

And which world are you talking about, Carl?

Let's call it the Earth and Mars.

Like we always have, you dope gun.

That's the name of this planet.

That's what I'm saying, though.

It's not our problem.

We're never going to leave it.

So it's our world.

To leave it as a world, it's a bit of information.

You don't write so-and-so road, London, England, Earth.

You don't need it.

What other words are you annoyed by?

Other words are out there you're thinking, why is that there?

Because we do not need it.

It's one of them where I come across something.

They're not always in my head.

It's just.

I'm trying to think of something that I've seen recently.

That's a word.

I'll say some words, Carl.

You tell me whether you like them or not.

Okay?

Yeah?

Route.

What sort of route are we talking about?

Good question.

What about

a pre-planned journey?

No, you don't need it.

You just go which way are you going?

I thought you meant beetroot.

What you like?

You don't mind beetroot?

Depends what I'm having.

He doesn't mean the food, he means you don't mind the word existing.

This is because you have such a limited vocabulary that it annoys you and intimidates you that people are using words, correct words, the correct English language.

Are you happy with chair?

Should we keep chair?

It works.

It's fine.

Are you happy with the chair you sit on or the chair who's in charge of like a forum or a meeting?

What would we call a bloke who's in charge of a meeting?

Chief.

Chief?

Okay, what about bloke who's in charge of

Native Americans?

I don't know any.

Again, not going to to affect my life.

What would you call him?

He's a bloke in charge of all the Indian.

Seriously, not a problem.

It's a problem for someone.

So you've got to hit him with head chief.

Head chief.

Oh, so he's.

That means he's a bloke in charge of people who are in charge of meetings.

That's confusing.

I'll confuse you.

I don't know who you are.

I'm confused, actually.

I'm confused here.

I mean, some words I know you're not happy with.

There are certain numbers you're not keen on.

What about number seven?

Would you get rid of that?

I've heard about that tribe where it is just like they have three.

They say that's all they need in their life.

One, two, three.

Really?

Yeah, give us three of them.

And then actually, it gives them another two with M3.

It's all like just easy.

I love the fact that they're still saying they're talking like that.

I'm still doing the market.

Yeah.

We should have a word for this three and this two.

Nah, fuck it.

I very rarely want three, then two.

Keep it three, they're two.

How many do you need now?

Just one and another one.

Or say two.

Oh, yeah, I could say two, yeah.

Do you want one more?

If I wanted three, I'd say three.

Do you want one more?

Yeah, do you want to give us three and one?

As the writer and pioneering ecologist Rachel Carson once wrote, Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.

Earth, third rock from the sun, and the only known planet in the universe to accommodate life, was formed about five billion years ago.

Extensively covered by saltwater oceans, it supports a myriad of organisms, the most evolved of which is man.

Yet, how we humans interact with our world could be sowing the seeds of our own destruction.

With environmental concerns still high on the political agenda, what is the future of life on Earth?

How are we coping with the threat of global warming?

And is our newfound ecological concern too little, too late?

To discuss the past, present, and future of the Earth, I'm joined by Stephen Merchant, award-winning writer and graduate of the the University of Warwick.

Hello.

And Carl Pilkington.

Oh, look at his roundhead to card!

Alright.

I've been hit by global warming recently, Rick, a couple of times actually.

I don't want to be one of those people that's like, oh, you know, because of the snow and the rain, and that's obviously to do with global warming, but it probably is.

I was flying out to the States, you know, just hopping over stateside.

Yeah.

And on the old plane, over those those bleak, kind of snowy days recently.

And they got us all on the plane.

We sat on the runway for four and a half hours.

Four and a half hours.

While they de-iced the plane.

Now, it's good that they de-iced it, but I don't want to be told that the plane needs de-icing.

I didn't know planes could get iced in a way that they needed to be de-iced.

Sometimes, Rick, if it's a chilly morning, right, got the old car, what I'll do is I'll pop the engine on, okay, let it warm up, pop inside, have another cup of tea, come back out, it's lovely and warm and toasty in there.

That's what I'd like to seen them do with the old plane.

Pilot goes, Don't you get on yet?

Let me

warm it up.

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

But also, when it's up at 30,000 feet, it's like minus 50, 60 degrees.

It must get iced up anyway.

There's not some guy on the wing scraping around plastic thing.

If you've got a window, you've got to pull in here.

We've got to put in here for a while.

It's iced up.

Yeah, I mean, that's it.

But also, I didn't see anyone de-icing, so I don't know how they do it.

It's not presumably with, you know, like I sometimes use a CD case if I've got one of those scrapes.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

I don't know if there were people with, you know, probably with a vinyl record scraping away, but yeah, four and a half hours to de-ice hit.

Bunch of people on there whinging and phoning and calling and making me annoyed anyway.

Get to Los Angeles, city of angels, famously, you know, glorious weather all year round.

That's why people move there.

Pissed down with rain the entire time I was there.

I know you hit the storm.

I think I moved out of LA and went to New York the day before it turned horrible, didn't I?

The problem was, I hired a car, right, and I was going to get a relatively cheap car.

they persuaded me to upgrade to a Mercedes convertible I thought yeah I'll look good driving around LA you know and that couldn't use the the top down obviously every day I'd get in this car every day it would be pouring with rain I could hear it splattering on the fabric roof thinking I'd just paid nobody odds for this and you know every time ever you're breaking this cloud I would instantly stop and lower this thing and drive around sub-zero temperatures just to have the top down I would like to

see like you know at 85 degrees just whizzing down the freeway at 90 miles an hour.

But your glasses would fly off.

They would.

This is the problem.

That's what I've never really thought.

Plus, I lost my sunglasses.

So I have to wear a hat in order to keep the sun out of my eyes.

And

all I had, or I thought I'd need to take it out of me, all I had was a kind of, what I like to think is a rather fashionable Justin Timberlake style Trilby.

Oh, it's not that

makes you look like one of Bill and Ben.

See, I think it makes me look like

Tom Waits or a sort of 1960s news reporter.

Oh, right.

But you've got to be a little bit more.

That's all Bill and Ben.

You've got Bill and Ben, the flower pot, man.

The problem with it is when I bought it, again, I was suckered into it.

A bloke sold it to me, told me, he was a street vendor, and he told me I looked amazing.

I'll be honest.

I'll be honest, I gave him the cut straight away.

Did you have a game of Find the Lady

as well?

You're beginning to wonder if I was part of his sales pattern and he wasn't just a lovely fellow who's trying to help me out.

But yeah, it's not quite big enough, so instead of sort of pulling in tight down by the ears, it sort of sits pork pie-esque on top of my head.

Right.

And it is in danger of flying off.

It did fly off into the back seat when I was driving.

Luckily, I could stop and pop it back on again.

That's great.

It didn't fly off and

you know.

You don't want that as you're cruising past a couple of sort of Playboy bunny types in an open top Cadillac and you're just grinning to them and your hat flies off.

Or it hits a big Alz Angel on a chopper bike in the face.

He just scratches his bike, you stop, and you go, It's my hat.

Yeah.

And he goes,

Exactly.

What annoyed me was we went, I was with my mates and we were driving around and we had a bunch of friends and they said, oh, can you pick up a couple of friends of ours?

And we picked them up, a couple of girls.

I thought, well, ding here we are, good-looking girls.

They got in the car.

Instantly, we were going, There's not much legroom.

I was thinking, For God's sake, it's funny Mercedes.

I couldn't even impress them with it.

It's costing me a fortune.

Like, gay, go, this is a lovely bit of motor, but no, winding screw I never met before.

First thing we say,

let's accept

that at some point about 13, 14 billion years ago, there was nothing.

There was no space for the nothing to be in there was no darkness no light nothing okay literally nothing except

what is nearly a point in space that contained everything in the known universe okay suddenly that

exploded and in a matter of minutes

the universe was pretty much as it is now and in all the debris in all the dust, things started to cling together.

One of which was the Earth.

Can I have Carl pick up the story from there?

Yeah.

So there we are.

We've got the Earth.

We've got this big

planet.

Probably nothing for quite a bit.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just sort of floated about.

Yeah.

But it wasn't causing a problem because it wasn't annoying anyone.

No.

See, we don't get a chance of that these days.

No.

You pop something down, someone says, move that.

Dangerous, what is it?

Yeah.

Back then, nothing.

So it's hanging around.

And

if you leave something somewhere, something will sit on it.

Right.

Okay.

If you leave something somewhere, something will sit on it.

Yeah.

We'll say like a bin bag.

I can put a bin bag outside.

Bin men don't come until Friday.

Sure.

But I want to get, I don't want it in the house.

It's got a chicken in it.

Yep.

I pop it outside, right?

It's sat there for a few days now.

Just time, time, like, you know, a day before the bin men are coming, I pick that up and take it round the front.

Right.

It's got a slug living under it.

Uh-huh.

Right.

Like one of those little wood lice things might be there.

Yeah.

Snail.

Yep.

What's your point?

You point a young earth.

It's four and a half billion years ago.

It's whizzing round the sun.

Something's going to sit on it.

Yeah,

something had to sort of happen, didn't it?

I'll I'll tell you what it's like.

In the same way

penicillin

happened.

Go on.

It was the bread was sat there.

It goes off.

Air would have created the greenness.

Oh god, this sounds like the Bible.

That is like the Bible.

Air created the greenness.

That's amazing.

Come on, come on, because I wanna

I'm learning here, I'm learning.

And once you've got something, that that leads to otherness.

This is like a monk that just sat down.

We all sat cross-legged listening to the wise old man.

I know.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to write a thing of how everything was created.

Hang on, carry it, I'm interested.

Yeah, so where are we?

So we've got...

So we had greenness, and now we've got.

So Pierre created the greenness, and then what is it?

Then we have

just otherness.

Other than the greenness.

Because once you've got...

Greenness comes otherness.

Once you've got one thing, others come.

Yes.

Yeah, I created the greenness, then you've got otherness.

If you create something, others will come.

Build it and they will come.

But it's sort of right.

But tell me, take me on.

Continue this story, because this is fascinating.

So, where are we now?

If I was to stand on the earth at this moment in time, what would I see?

Not that much.

You wouldn't want to stay.

But there's greenness.

Little patches of greenness.

A little bit of rubble knocking around.

A bit of rubble.

It was a bit of rubble.

Okay.

We've still got a long way to go.

We want to get to life, don't we?

So let's skip forward, Carl.

So everything was right, okay?

It was the right distance from the sun.

Okay.

But even if it wasn't that we'd have, we would have still been creating.

No, we wouldn't have done that.

Something would have done.

No, we wouldn't have.

I want to hear Carl's opinion on this, Rick.

I'm not interested in facts.

I want to hear Carl's opinion.

So, are you saying

if the atmosphere around the Earth wasn't about 99%

nitrogen and oxygen with 1% other gases, we'd have still had something else?

Something would have been around.

I'm not saying

it might be better than us, it might be worse than us.

What would it look like?

Well, they say it's hard to say because they say, don't they, that it's the conditions that mould you into the shape and colour

and,

you know everything else that makes you the person that you are.

Okay, let's take Pluto.

We know that's the farthest away.

So it is dark and cold there.

Right.

How do you imagine the creatures that will develop there will be?

Big eyes and Airy.

But how did they evolve?

How did they evolve, though?

Because we evolved.

Hold on.

You always say animals change to suit the conditions.

I'd have thought if planet's dark, you don't need eyes because things that live underground or at the bottom of the ocean,

they don't have eyes or

colour because there's no point.

Yeah, but what I'm talking about, are we saying we're living inside Pluto or on the top of it, like we're doing?

Why would we live inside Pluto?

It couldn't support life, full stop.

But

this is one of the most ridiculous conversations we've ever had.

Seriously considering that everything is based on a ridiculously false premise.

No, Carl.

We're saying now that the world's overcrowded,

there's too many people on it.

We're running out of houses.

People are living in basements.

Now that's only one step away from being moalish.

We're already going underground because we're running out of space.

Yeah.

Right.

Come on.

I want to hear his point.

It's like being garbage.

So

mole people.

They don't acknowledge the crust of the earth.

So you're saying within five years there's going to be sort of mole-like people living in basement flats with no eyes.

But hold on though.

in your, according to you, the lower they go, the colder and darker they go, the hairier and better eyes they'll have.

Well, it depends.

No, I was only saying they'd have better eyes if they were on a dark planet where they're outside, so they still have to look out for things that they could trip over.

If we're doing, if we're doing, if we're going underground, that's their sole concern.

That's the whole evolution.

We don't want to trip over.

I don't agree with my knees.

You've got knees.

They got them on Earth.

Coincidence, isn't it?

What I'm saying is, right, and I've always said this:

we are not the same as the first man that nature made.

No,

no, we're not, no.

And that's where we went wrong.

And if we didn't interfere, we might have been more suited to the conditions now.

Auntie Nora.

I'm cold.

She doesn't want double glazing.

Why not?

Just because she's worried that when people come round and sort of knock on the door, she won't hear them, because it's all sort of double glazed.

But they're knocking on the door.

No, no, but she said that no, she didn't like a bell, it makes her jump too much.

How do they get in now?

Well, it's the thin door and thin glass.

You hear it.

It's not like soundproof, like double glazing is.

What?

So they have to knock on the door.

They knock like that on the door.

And she can hear that because

it a glass door.

No, they want to put that PVC door in in my hands.

I don't know.

So she's scared by.

She doesn't want a doorbell because that alarms her, but the knocking is fine.

The knocking's fine because you get to know knocking.

Why don't they have a bell that when you press it, it makes that noise?

Because they haven't done that yet.

Well, you know, that's an idea.

I think you could do a sample of a like that.

So when they press the doorbell, she hears, that's easy, that's done.

You could sort that out for her.

Well, I don't want to start getting dragged into it because.

But why don't you tell her, say, Auntie Nora, have double glazing, be warm, be safe.

Hear the knock of the bell on the doubly door.

This is it, though, isn't it?

She wouldn't be around now if it wasn't for people interfering, coming up with tablets,

making weak people live longer.

Right.

You're annoyed at that.

I know he's such a fascist, isn't he?

And you're a weak person who has been allowed to live.

Eugenics is where you'd be happier.

Do you recycle and not leave the tap running and turn off lights because you're worried about a child born in a hundred years' time?

No.

No.

No, because I don't think

at the end of the day,

we have to face facts here.

Gone.

The world

is old.

Hold on.

The world's old.

Really old.

And it's the same as if you've got a gran who's 70,

there's not much you can do for her.

You can, yeah, you can say you're warm, but at the end of the day, she's still going to be shit in her pants.

She's still going to be, you know, forgetting things and all the rest of it.

And you might be taking care of her, but at the end of the day, the good days are gone.

Right.

Yeah.

So, in a way, like the world, it's got to a point that it's old.

And yeah, we can say say turn the tap off, turn the lights off,

close the windows, stop letting heat out.

The earth in metaphorically is shitting its pants.

You've only got to look at what's happening, right?

It's freezing, innit, at the moment out there.

Ice everywhere, snow everywhere.

Now, an old person,

what happens to them?

They're always cold.

It's like the earth, innit?

The earth now is freezing.

It feels the colds more.

It's winter as well, it's also because it's winter, but yeah.

And I think if you try and make it better now, you end up doing more damage.

Would that make any sense at all?

Does any sense

at all?

Well, just you can sometimes

it's too late to make something better.

Like, I've had old relations who smoke like 50 a day.

Doctor said you've got to stop smoking.

They stopped smoking.

Two weeks later, they're dead.

Shouldn't have stopped them smoking.

Their insides.

Well,

their insides are used to all that pollution.

Yeah.

Take the pollution away.

What will the world do?

That is a good point.

This is scientifically grounded, is it?

You've done a lot lot of the research, read a lot of the information about this.

Or is it just a wild harebrain speculation, again, backed up with nothing?

Is it bullshit?

Which of those two is it?

I just, like I said to you, I just think it's a theory.

That's what it is.

You're not telling me it's a coincidence that about three of my old relations have died because the doctor said stop smoking.

Well, it might be because they're very old.

And.

Well, yeah, they were old, but it's weird how, you know, why stop them smoking?

They're old.

Sure.

Let them have a fag.

Jesus.

You know, they've got nothing else in their life.

You've taken that away, they die.

Let them have a fag.

And it's the same with this world.

It's polluted now.

I mean, there's rubbish everywhere.

Isn't there?

You've just been in the streets and stuff.

Just, yeah.

You know, different levels of.

I've noticed how rubbish changes depending where you live.

Just like when I lived in the centre of town, it was rank.

It was like human, human sort of poo.

Oh, what?

Yeah, I want to see down at down alleys and that.

What, tramps, you mean?

It must be.

I don't know.

I didn't sort of drive doing it.

But very human.

It wasn't dog-like.

How do you know it's human?

Just the way it looked.

What do you mean?

Well, you'd walk past it and you go, that's looking out there, Suzanne.

Yeah.

Look at that all there.

That looks human.

Oh, yeah.

And what does Suzanne say?

Yeah, can we walk somewhere else from now on?

This isn't.

Why are you walking up and down this same alley?

I just wanted to show you the human poo.

It's a cut-through.

Were you having a shit yourself?

It's the cut-through that we used to always use.

And

most of the time, it was just like smell of wee, really strong wee.

And you'd see if you could hold your breath for the full thing.

A little bit of fun, a little bit of romantic fun after a nice

restaurant.

I remember when he took her for a walk around the car park.

So,

but yeah, but now I've moved to like

you know, a posher bit of London.

You still get litter, but it's I saw like a rice cake

on the floor.

That's like

just hummus tubs.

Yeah, but it's still rubbish, innit?

Yeah.

It's still rubbish.

Who left this crouton maker laying on it?

So, don't you see what I'm saying, though?

The way the world,

we've changed more than the world has.

We can't handle anything now, can we?

Look at it, like I say, a bit of snow, a bit of cold, everything comes to a standstill.

Oh, I can't go out, it's dangerous, you'll slip over.

People having time off work.

Yeah.

What would you do, right?

If you run a business, right, your business could go under, right?

It snows a bit.

You've got 10 employees, you're paying them well, and they go, I can't come in today, Carl.

A bit icy.

I'll do it.

I'll do it, okay?

Right, they're snowed in, right?

You're running the business.

What are you running?

It's a.

Let's not.

Don't want to beg myself up.

It's just a few runs.

It's a new bends.

I make a new bends.

New bends for

toilets.

So you run a...

Okay, right, okay.

So

you pay them all right, don't you?

I'd say most of them are above average.

So you're you're there.

What time did you get in?

About quarter to nine.

Quarter to nine, waiting for them to come in at nine, yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, right.

It's snowing.

It's a bit snowy.

You got there.

It took you a bit, well, you'd set off early, did you?

Give me some a bit more time because I had to put the heating on the camera.

Okay.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Hello,

KP Plumbing.

Oh,

is that Miss Philbert?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

Who's that?

Oh, it's

Sheila.

Listen.

Sheila, shouldn't you be here by now?

Yeah, no.

I was going to set off.

They'll set off now.

Stop wasting time.

We've got a big order on.

No, I know.

We're all on on a bonus here if we get this done.

I'll see you in 10 minutes, shall I?

I can't make it.

What?

I can't make it.

Why not?

The car won't start and it's slippy on the drive.

I just can't get out.

Get the transport.

I'll see you in.

I'll give you 20 minutes, alright?

Don't worry about it.

Where's your call?

I'm also scared of the ice.

I'm scared of the ice.

I'm not going to come in today.

It's dangerous.

So, what are you going to do?

Well, I'm just going to wait until the ice and snow goes away, and then I'm going to come in.

I've been predicting it's going to be about two weeks before you clear up.

I can't really travel in this.

It's a bit dangerous.

Well, I'll tell you what.

You stay at home.

I'll replace you because I need someone to come in with you.

Well, you're firing me because I can't get into work with this.

Well, I got into work, Sheila.

Yeah, I know, but you don't live with me, do you?

If you did live with me, then you're not going to be able to do it.

It was bad where I was as well.

Do you know how bad it is here?

Why don't you come round and have a look how bad it is here?

You drive my car.

Well, you come round and drive my fucking car because I'm snowed in.

You fucking calling me a cunt.

And I'll tell you, if you fire me, I'll tell you to drive you, you ball in wanker.

Right, you're fired anyway for that.

You're in fucking trouble then.

Right then, see ya.

Right.

And then she's done with.

She's weak anyway.

Ring, ring, KP plumbing.

Hi, uh, uh, is that uh, Miss Pilkinson?

Hi, it's Bob here.

Um, yeah, um, a bit of trouble.

Um,

and my area, it's absolutely snowing, it's possible.

No one's getting out.

I live near Sheila.

Bob, listen, yeah, well, Sheila's just been on, she's saying she can't get anywhere.

She can't, I've just seen her out there trying to dig her car out, and she's hurt about it.

She's really funny, tried hard to get to work, but she can't do it because she's not very rich and her car doesn't work, she hasn't got the right tyres.

And there's no public transport, they've cancelled those wrong snow on this country.

I'm not going to make it in today, son.

So I'll see you tomorrow, oh boy.

Well, no, you're saying you'll see me tomorrow.

Yeah.

But you'll probably call up tomorrow with the same thing.

Well, I need to snow in tomorrow.

I can't run a business like this, Bob.

Yeah, it's not my fault, is it, really?

So go around to Sheila's and like slag me off if you want.

But I'll tell you what,

you're not coming back here.

Fuck off.

One chance.

Give them one chance.

Well, you didn't even give them one chance.

No, because they've done it before.

Oh, fucking hell.

Just annoys me.

Do you recycle?

Um

I give a lot of stuff to ox on.

Well yeah, that's the sort of recycling, yeah.

Hand-me-downs and passing passing on things.

Well, it's probably it's probably a better form of recycling, isn't it?

You're not destroying anything and remaking it, you're just letting someone else wear a jumper that you don't wear anymore.

So that's, yeah.

Don't really do all the, I don't separate stuff.

I don't sort of put there's the cans, there's the paper.

You don't do that?

You just throw it away, do you?

Yeah, that's very

branding with that.

That annoys me when you're just putting it in landfill, mate.

Come on.

Yeah.

But I haven't got all the bins.

There isn't enough room for all the bins.

Yeah, we have to do that.

You've got a recycle box you stick outside.

Yeah.

What are you on about?

Recycle box, yeah.

I haven't got one.

Well, no, you've got to ask for one.

I tried to get rid of a

sofa, right?

I was getting a new sofa.

Had the old one.

You try and get rid of one of them, it's murder.

Right, I called up the council, said I want to get rid of it.

They said, We're not coming around there till Friday.

It was like a Monday.

I said, It's in the way.

So I put it outside.

They said, You put it outside, you'll get a fine.

I said, Yeah, but you don't know where I'm going to put it outside.

Yeah, it's not outside my house.

So they said, Well, you do that, we've got your number.

What's the sofa like?

I said,

Well, if we see that,

so um, they said, If you if you want to pay to have it collected, we can come and get it tomorrow, 30 quid.

I said, I'm not paying for it, that's madness.

Yeah, so hung up, annoyed, called my dad up.

He said, Oh, I saw this thing on the telly saying that you can donate your furniture to people who haven't got a sofa.

Look it up on the internet.

So, I looked it up, there's a firm that does it.

Right, cheeky sods.

Called him up, said, I've got this sofa here, I want to donate it to someone who hasn't got a sofa.

He said, Oh, what's it like?

Is it in good condition?

Yeah, it's alright, yeah.

Well, why are you getting rid of it?

I said, Because we've moved into a bit of a bigger place, and the sofa looks daft in the corner, it's too small, so I'm getting a bigger one.

There's nothing wrong with it.

How big is it?

How many people does it sit?

So it depends how big you are.

You can sit two people on it, but it's not the comfiest.

But it's in good condition.

It's none of your nonsense-like stuff.

It was expensive when I bought it.

He said, Right.

He said,

Is it safe?

So I said, What do you mean?

He said, Is it fag-proof?

So I said, I don't smoke.

He said, Well, go and get the lift the thing up.

He's got me running around looking at my sofa when I'm giving it away.

I had to lift it up.

It had a picture of a fag on it.

I said, Yeah, it's got a picture of a fag on it.

Could I just point out for our American listeners, fag is a slang for cigarette.

When he says, Is it fag-proof?

He's not going to open the cushion, and someone's going to go, You sleep!

So, I should explain that straight away.

So, anyway, it turned out it was fag-proof.

They came and picked it up, took it away.

But look at the hassle, look at the hassle it takes to get rid of something.

And then they say to you, Do not be dumping stuff on the street.

You know, it's that thing of having to wait for certain days of the week, and you can't always keep keep hold of something for a certain day of the week because it's big.

A mattress is one of them things you can't get sort of rid of, or you can't stick it somewhere because it's in the way.

It's a big, clumpy bit of furniture, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's not a bit of furniture, really, a mattress, but I know what you mean.

Well, it's a new sideboard.

Yeah, don't lean on it.

It's a bit spongy.

What are you keeping it?

We can't keep anything in it, it's just full of springs and stuff.

It's not only a piece of furniture, to be honest.

Well, it's part of it.

It should be on a bed, to be honest.

It's part of a furniture bit, isn't it?

Did I I tell you that time when...

I don't think you could even ever count a mattress as a piece of furniture.

Of course you can.

It's functional.

And where'd you stop?

Is it a pillow, a piece of furniture?

Is it

a blanket?

Oh, a nice bit of furniture you're wearing.

They'd be trousers.

They're furniture if you pop them up against a wall.

Did I tell you that time when we first bought a flat?

Go on.

Bought a flat in Manchester, right?

Yeah.

You know, when you first buy a place, it's expensive, isn't it?

And it's a big bit of furniture, a flat, isn't it?

So, you know, we bought a sofa, we got a table.

Sorry, you don't mean you bought a sofa, you ended up with a table.

No, no, no, you bought a sofa.

Now, I was, I was, I didn't, I didn't know.

Suzanne sent you to buy a sofa, you came back with a table.

Now, back then, I wasn't as wise as I am now.

What was he?

Some snot in a jar.

Can I just apologise to any slot in a jar that's listening and was offended by that comment?

Alright.

So I ordered a bed.

I ordered a bed.

Yeah.

It turned up.

Oh, well done.

Okay, now that's a victory.

I thought.

It went down shingleing this.

That's not the end of the story, isn't it?

So

I thought, I'm going to get this in the bedroom, set it all up.

Suzanne comes home from work, the bed's done, she'll be well happy.

Yeah.

So I get it all up there in the lift and what have you.

I think it's it seems like I'm missing something here.

Put it together, no mattress.

Why would you not notice there was no mattress?

No, it's just because it's like, you know, I'm thinking, yeah, I've got all the screws, I've got the slats for that at the bottom, there's the post and that.

So put it together.

Where's the softy, spongy bit of furniture that usually sits on top of the more rigid bit of furniture?

So I called them up.

I said, there's no mattress with it.

He said, no, it's not part of it.

So what do you mean it's not part of it?

A bed isn't a bed without a mattress.

It's a climbing frame, right?

True.

So

they said,

you know, you can buy one.

We have got them in for that thing.

But it was like 400 odd quid.

And I don't know what to do with that.

I don't want you telling me this.

I know this.

I've walked beds.

I understand this is out of water.

Well, the mattress isn't a bed.

No, the bed is something else.

Yeah, but that's wrong.

You cannot use a bed without a mattress, is what I'm saying.

So don't sell it without it.

No, but some people replace the bed frame with the old mattresses.

That's fine.

Once you've invested in it and you go, oh, will I buy a new bed or will I just buy a new mattress?

Fine.

Well, you're not going to keep selling beds with new mattresses in case you've already got a mattress.

What?

A bed and a mattress without any pillows and blankets is no good, but you don't expect that to come with it.

At least you can sleep on that.

You can sleep on a spongy bit, you can chuck a coat over you, you can use a push-off of someone.

I'm thinking some fuckwit might buy it without the mattress, we better include it.

So, anyway, so I was like, oh, I didn't think of this.

I didn't think of this.

So I called me dad up.

I didn't think so.

Called me dad up.

Dad?

So fuck quick son again.

Alright, son, how's it going?

What have you done?

Bought a bed without a mattress?

So I said, listen, I've bought that bed.

There's no mattress on it.

You know, can you get us one?

So he said, oh, I'll have a word.

I'll call around.

So he calls back like an hour and a half later.

He said,

got your mattress.

Go round to Alf's.

Alf is me sort of uncle who isn't an uncle.

Oh, right.

He's the one who I've told you about.

I had two tellies we've talked about on the podcast.

Two tellies, one that works picture-wise, one that works on sound.

Perfect.

Slept in a rubber dinghy, right?

Now, the thing is, I remember Alf, yeah.

he said, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got a mattress, come and get it.

So I go down there.

Why does he sleep on the fucking mattress if he's got mattress?

Why does he do it in a fucking boat if he's got a mattress?

He's terrified of flooding.

Yeah.

So anyway, I get there and it's in his van.

Dragged the cat's van.

Sorry, he's running around with a mattress in the back of a van.

So I thought Suzanne's going to be happy.

Dragged it out of the van, chucked it in the car, thought she won't even know.

Do you know what I mean?

So I dragged that back, thinking, oh, am I going to make it rush out by this point?

Thinking, oh, she's going to get home.

Anyway, get home, drag it into the lift and what have you.

Drag it up, drag it into the bedroom, stick it up.

Take it up.

The constitute falls off it.

Put the sheet on it and that.

Suzanne comes in.

She goes, what is that smell?

Source of water.

She said, it's like...

Oil and feasible.

Hold on, why didn't you smell it?

No, it doesn't make sense.

I think I just sort of got used.

Maybe because I got in the back of the van, it smelled that.

I thought that's in the van.

Then I got used to that smell.

Yeah.

It's in the back of my car, folded up.

I'm concentrating on trying to get this bed made before she gets in.

Sure.

Plus, I used to wear a blindfolder instead of sunglasses in those days.

So, anyway, she's going, what is it?

I said, I've got this off half.

She said, we can't have that.

She said, you know, it's a new flat, nice, clean flat and everything.

We've got this old thing that stinks.

Get rid of it.

It was murder getting rid of that.

And I had to tip it.

I went around the back of some supermarket and left it there because you caught

illegal flight tipping.

Well, no, because I think it's illegal and bad when you're chucking it out, say, at a bus stop or somewhere on a high street or something, and people are going, That looks a mess.

I chucked it near the bins at a supermarket.

I'd gone out of my way.

I thought, Where is this not going to be offensive?

Why couldn't you just go to the tip?

I think I did try the tip.

Oh, no, no, there's a massive queue.

There's a massive queue.

So laziness for excitement.

A massive queue.

I remember it.

Stretford, that was.

I remember the cue for the tip.

I know.

I remember, yeah.

I remember driving past it and I haven't got time for that.

And that was.

So don't go on about you couldn't get rid of it.

It's because you could be asked to queue up, you lazy bastard.

You couldn't get rid of it.

What was he thinking?

Why was he panicking?

One, why did he get a bed without a mattress?

Two, why does he call his dad to get him out of mattress-related problems?

His dad gets...

Alf, Alf's got one in the back of a dirty old fucking van.

Alright, that should be alright.

No, but the thing is, what I'm saying is, when I was in that bed shop and I'm going, oh yeah, good bed, good bed.

I'm sitting on it.

I'm sitting sitting on a mattress with it.

At no point did he say, now, have you thought about what sort of mattress you want?

Have you got orthopaedic problems or whatever?

That didn't come up.

He said, There's your order, there's your address.

I'm not a bed man.

I go to the bed man to get bed advice in the same way.

Same problem here.

I've had work done recently with a dad.

What?

How to get rid of a body?

Let me call that.

Had work done recently, right?

Bathroom retiled.

Yeah.

It's been a nightmare.

Polish fella.

Right.

Not a word of English, which makes it hard.

I've got him in as a professional to do it.

He's sticking grout down the toilet.

So then, like, he sort of...

Not who's grout.

Is that another mate?

You know, after they put like the grout in the tiles to finish it off, anything that's left, he didn't put it in the bin and get dispose of it properly.

He stuck it down the toilet.

And now it's there.

The grout's there at the bottom of the toilet.

Is it really?

Yeah, with a screw in it.

Well, you can drain it, can't you?

You can turn the water off, get rid of it, drain the water.

No, he wants him to go around the U-bend.

Well, no, you'd get it out there, you'd dry it off when you said there's no water in there.

Well, just stick your hand in the locker.

Get your hand in there.

Why don't you put a bag of it?

Last time I did that, last time you called up when I had my hand down a grid, and you were going, what are you doing?

Get someone out to do that.

Yeah, but it's putting a marigold on and taking the screw out, innit?

Oh, yeah, the screw's not a problem.

I'm not that bothered about it.

Yeah, the screw's there, yeah.

So you could have taken that out, no problem.

Yeah, but it's half a job, that, innit?

I want to get rid of the grout first, and I'll get rid of the screw.

Yeah.

But I will, I'm not scared about putting you.

You called up, I was up to my shoulder, Stephen, like glunge

me, what annoys me, Ricky, he makes up his own words.

I'm going to use that for flat animals, mate.

So you're up to your arm in glunge.

Yeah.

Yeah, and Ricky called and it's again, it was in Kent.

The bloke had done the kitchen, been pouring down cement into the grid outside.

I'm sort of washing up.

Look outside.

There was a water all over the place.

What's going on here?

Yeah.

I go out there, all the the water's like because it runs to a grid outside, you know, that sort of system.

Yeah, yeah, it's not flowing, it's not going down, is it?

Sure, there's loads of water there, right?

So, I call up the main fella who does the kitchens.

There's a message there: sorry, I'm away in Cyprus.

Right,

so I can't get hold of him, right?

So, he's he's ballsed it up, but he's on holiday now, he doesn't want to know.

There's all this, like I say, gloopy stuff.

I'm scooping that up with my hand.

Seriously, it must be close to my shoulder.

Not my problem, really, but all these people, you're saying recycle properly, don't pour stuff.

All these bottles you get now, dimestos, it has like little pictures of dolphins looking unhappy because people are pouring bleach down a sink or whatever.

I've never had that problem, I've never upset a dolphin, but I know if I hadn't sorted that out, it would have caused loads of problems for me and the neighbour, and it would have been my problem.

And that's what I'm saying.

I'm not that selfish, really, when it comes to the environment of the people around you.

And also,

do do start caring about the dolphins please because they're all we've got on this planet why don't you care about what's happening what are we going to swim with if not the dolphins yeah

it's never going to happen never gonna happen what if you

had

a little div

right didn't have long to live what do you want to do and he went swim with dolphins so you don't want to do that i go oh uncle carl killed them all with domestos They're all bleached and they're all broken.

It'd be some other animal.

Anyway, it's not about the dolphins, it's about the ocean, isn't it, that the dolphins are in.

Told you, if dolphins were in the Thames, they wouldn't be that keen jumping in there saying, Oh, let's swim with a dolphin.

Right.

Says you wanna swim with a carrier bag in the Caribbean.

Oh, yeah, I'd love to

It makes no difference.

I'd love to see that on North Edwards.

We've got a little kid here.

What's your name?

Andrew.

And uh, you want to go swimming?

Yeah.

What with?

Dolphin.

Okay, well, we can't

arrange the dolphin.

They've all died out because of environmental ignorance.

Would you like to swim with a carrier bag?

Well, good, we can do that.

We can chuck it in the pond, get in.

And you can take him out with you after, and he can be your best friend.

Come on, Tusco.

You know what's the problem, don't you?

That's why.

Do you know the carrier bag problem?

Sure.

I was in the supermarket and it's that point when

they'd turn round and said, Do you want a carrier bag?

And I said, Yeah, Yeah, I bought like milk, loaf.

I think I bought some pie clips.

It's like a thin crumpet.

I think you told me that before.

There's a word I'd get rid of.

Pieclet.

There's a word I would get rid of.

Thin crumpet.

I've got time to say thin crumpet.

I do not need a specific specific thing.

Thin crumpet.

That's not a crumpet.

Why?

Too thin.

Call it a pie clip or fuck off.

I'd spend over a tenner anyway.

Right.

I get to the tennis.

Can you make a pie clip by squashing a crumpet thin?

It's tough to

talk if you cut one in half.

No, it doesn't.

It's not the same.

I've tried squashing a crumpet.

The pence is a crumpet that you need a thicker.

It depends where you go.

They got thicker.

I'm not enjoying the thicker crumpet at the moment.

Why?

Because the outside burns and the inside does nothing.

It's like eating dough.

I've cut them out on my diet.

Have you?

You can go straight into the pie clips now, isn't it?

It's also just not the 1950s anymore.

So I bought all this stuff.

It's over a tenner.

She said, you want a carrier bag?

I said, of course I do with all this, you know.

She said, five pence.

I said, You what?

She said, five pence for a carrier bag.

I said, I come here all the time for the party.

No, I'm right behind this.

Right behind this.

Why?

Charging for carry bags and

lazy bastards.

I take carry bags down to the supermarket every time I go down there.

Yeah, we've got a drawer full of carry bags.

Steve, can I just put a question in?

I do normally.

I reuse them.

But I didn't know.

I was on my way home from work that day.

Fine.

But that's not the problem.

So be it.

You bought it.

Come on with a note.

5p, otherwise you carry one with you.

And you got another one.

Right, so I said, how's that going to work?

How's my five pence going to help the environment?

Typical.

That is the attitude.

That sums it up, and it sucks.

Sometimes it goes away with something else, doesn't it?

You're just the turtles.

It's the turtles.

Right, yeah.

Yeah, turtles.

That's right.

They get caught up in them, yeah.

Terrible.

She said she said.

They think they're jellyfish.

They're jellyfish and they go, oh, I'll swallow it, yeah, and then choke.

So I said, right, so it's all right, I can kill a turtle, can I, for five pence?

You're not that bothered then.

Why do you want to kill a turtle at all?

Because if carry bags shouldn't be out there,

ban them.

But don't say, you're killing turtles with free carry bags.

If you want to kill a turtle, five pence.

Oh, there you go.

There's five pence.

I won't kill a turtle.

That's what's annoying me.

It's not compulsory, though, is it?

But what they're saying is that that five pence goes towards something, doesn't it?

What?

What's it going towards?

Well, we don't know.

Why are they going to be a bad guy?

She just told me, she said, we can't give you carry bags anymore because you're killing turtles.

See, there's no way she says we can't give you...

Carl Pilkinson, stop killing fucking turtles.

Five pence.

All I'm saying is, if carrier bags are killing turtles, stop making carrier bags.

Because the thing is, I can afford two carrier bags.

Two turtles are dead since I've been going in there.

So, does it matter?

Does it matter that much or not enough or what?

What's the point here?

There could be for that 5p, you could get a little fell out there.

When he sees a turtle going,

he goes and sticks his finger down his throat.

But what taste are they getting out of a jellyfish, anyway?

Wow, will they?

Carrier bags bear, innit?

Oh, it's pikely.

Someone threw a perfectly good pikelet away.

Talking about the earth, Carl is going around the earth.

Myself and Stephen have set Carl up with a dream job.

Not only have we got him a TV programme

on Sky, but he's going to see the world.

It came out of Carl not being impressed by anything.

And Steve had this idea, and we've talked to the producers.

And we're basically sending around seeing the seven wonders.

Okay, the seven most amazing things on earth.

According to polls and opinion, it's a bit of fun.

We know they might not be the most amazing things on earth, but

if Carl finds all seven of them unimpressive and boring, there is something fundamentally wrong with him, we think.

I've only done Egypt so far.

And what do you think of it?

They're probably the greatest and earliest civilisations.

Yeah, they hang up on about that a lot.

Well, and it's like that's slowing them down, I think.

Unlike the English, we don't drone on about our great past.

No, we shouldn't.

I don't think we should.

Carl, move on.

You go on about doing boxing when you turned up once and got battered by Leroy.

Yeah, because you asked me about it.

But the thing is, they're constantly, it's like they haven't moved on.

Everywhere you go, you see the Sphinx or a pyramid on something.

And it builds it up too much.

So that when you actually get there,

you feel like you've seen it so many times that it doesn't impress you that much.

But I like the,

you know, it's different.

I liked all the, you know, locals and stuff and the way they are and that.

And that's good, isn't it?

Oh, are they?

Just a lot of old people.

Yeah, a lot of old, and the old and the young mix more than our lot do.

Uh, there was only a couple of things that I didn't like, and that was uh the toilets.

Toilets are pretty depressing, sure.

Why?

What's up with them?

Just um,

it's just a hole in the ground, isn't it?

Right, and I like the toilet, it's sort of you know, me time,

and to sort of go in one of them, you don't want to hang around, you sort of just want to do the job and get out.

But my insides don't work like that, you like to sort of relax a bit, and

And you can't do that there because you've got flies whizzing around your head.

And there was one time when we were out and about and I'd had a bit of hummus or something.

Because you can't get away from all that.

I'd been dipping my bread in it and I suddenly thought, oh, it barely feels funny.

Got to find a toilet.

Cut through this market.

Didn't know one was there, but you sort of smell it.

It's like getting close to one.

Yeah, it stinks.

Go in, there's like a fella sat there, really old.

He must have been about 93, about two teeth.

Sat there with a rag and you have to pay him to use the toilet.

What's the rag for you?

This doesn't wipe your ass for you.

I don't know, I don't know, but

the toilet's never been clean by the looks of it.

I had to give him like five Egyptian pounds, whatever that is.

I don't know how much that is, but I don't know what he's doing for that money because the place I've never seen him op.

So I go in there, open the door, and it's like one of them holes in the ground.

I'm gonna go, oh god, can't use that.

Push the next door open, that's the same.

Oh, get to the end one, open it,

normal, normal toilet.

All right, thing done, brilliant.

Sit down there, do what I do, look round, no toilet paper.

Oh, no.

He's waving the rag over the top of the cubicle.

Yeah.

War of money.

£10.

So I'm thinking, oh, God.

I'm thinking, can I just get up?

Because it was quite a clean, you know, I thought.

That was quite a clean drop.

Sure.

So I'm thinking.

Don't they use water though?

Don't they use water?

Well, they have a hose pipe, yeah.

Yeah.

But I didn't fancy that.

Well, that's cleaner, though, isn't it?

A hose pipe.

I really get it.

How can it be?

Why?

Because that's just going to.

That's not going to clean it properly.

It's going to get rid of some bits, isn't it?

It's like when you clean a car.

Yeah, you use a hose, but where's a sponge?

Ah!

Sure.

So.

You rinse off a plate, but then you always give a little wipe.

Exactly, but I like it.

That's when the bloke knocks on the door and goes, you need a sponge?

Yes.

So I'm in there, I look at the door, there's no handle on the door.

So I'm trapped in there anyway.

Someone's nicked the handle.

so I can't open the door.

I'm sat there, there's no toilet paper.

I'm calling, I'm calling like the people I'm out there with.

They've got the phones off because we're meant to be filming.

So I'm thinking, well, if I just wait, eventually they'll call.

They'll panic, yeah.

And they did after about hello.

Oh, it's Carl.

What do you need?

A handle and some toilet paper, please.

So they called up and they had to come down.

That fella don't let you in unless you pay five Egyptians.

And they all had to pay five.

I mean, I don't know why they all had to come in to see the song.

It's a bit of going.

Did they bring you some toilet paper then?

No, they got it from

the fella with the

money to.

You should have paid for some on the way in.

I think that's what you do.

But they don't give you

a full roll.

They give you a strip.

Right.

Which I'm pretty wasteful with toilet paper.

I prefer to do a good job, use it up, replace it, rather than five sheets.

I've never done that in my life.

So my brother taught me something.

When he was in the army, army, he said you used to have to sort of put your hand through it, get it all, then use that paper to get it off your hand.

What?

When you're in the army, they taught survival techniques.

Right.

And they said, if you're a caught with very little toilet paper.

It was a survival technique.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did he die?

Died of a dirty ass.

Hold on, wait a minute.

Right, what is this technique?

You get the toilet paper.

Right.

Use two sheets.

Right.

Fold it over.

So you've got, Normally to one sheet is two ply.

You've got four ply.

It's like a bog glove, a bog paper glove.

Yeah, so you put your hand through it so you make a hole.

What do you mean?

Make a hole.

Make a hole so your hand goes through it.

Yeah.

Then you can wipe your

ass with that.

What with your hand?

Yeah, and then the toilet paper that's left you pull it off like that and you wipe your fingers with it.

So you've still got shit on your hand?

This is horrible.

Why don't you just wipe your ass with the toilet paper?

Because you've only got a couple of sheets because you're in the jungle, right, and it's survival.

It's always survival rate.

So what's the difference between wiping your ass with your hand and trying to get shit off your hand or wiping your ass with a toilet paper and pulling your fucking trousers up?

I don't know why this is a technique.

That's some sort of mad sergeant's idea.

What I like to do, boys, is I like to smear shit all over my face and then use the one sheet of toilet to wash my face off.

It doesn't make any sense at all.

Should I suggest something for you?

You like wiping your ass with your hand.

You don't like paper and water.

You like a sponge.

One of those big foam hands that you see at sporting events.

So you just go in with that, like Kenny Everett, you go in there with two big sponge, you sit down, you wipe your ass, you just leave them up, you just leave them up.

I know you could cheer about it as you need.

Whatever it won't.

Be careful with the giant sponge finger that it doesn't go up the arse and cause damage.

That is a problem.

Oh, God.

Well, that's it in the last series of the Rookie Drace guide to's.

Maybe Maybe the last guide to ever.

Maybe the last audiobook ever.

Who knows?

As you've seen, we've running out of ideas.

Well, I've had enough.

Yeah, so have I got that?

Well, I mean, that was about the environment, and we certainly recycled some old shit there.

So it's goodbye for me, Ricky Durays, Stephen Merchant.

Bye.

And the global village idiot that is Carl Pilkington.

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