Guide To... S2E4 "The Human Body" (January 26, 2010)
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This audio program is presented by Audible dot com Audible Audio that speaks to you wherever you are
As Aldous Huxley once said, Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs.
Made from the same stuff as algae, the human body has evolved into the most complex organism in the universe, an animal with power of introspection, conceiving complex metaphysical notions of morality, beauty, and love, while at the same time battling time, illness, and even death with even more sophisticated scientific weaponry.
While we may still marvel at its complexity, what do we know about the human body?
What are its wonders and limitations?
And with scientific and medical technology moving ever forward, how will the human body evolve over the centuries to come?
To discuss these questions and more, I'm joined by Stephen Merchant, award-winning writer and graduate of the University of Warwick.
Hello.
And Carl Pilkington, a man without formal academic qualifications or any awards to speak of, but he's good at other things.
Cleaning windows, for example, with his fucking tongue gump.
It's a bit harsh, isn't it?
Alright.
All your your cells
die and are replaced many times over in your life, except the brain cells.
You only lose them.
You lose hundreds and millions and trillions, right?
And you've still got plenty left, don't worry.
Or most people have.
So only a small percentage of the cells you're born with remain yours, the brain cells.
So supposing you're 99%
different
all the time, you're changing.
Is that the same person?
Well, you'd say, yeah, because you've got the important ones, the brain cells, which keeps your memory, your personality, your input, the you.
But then, as we talked before, if you took your brain and put it in someone else, would you be the same person?
Well, then it defines the person.
Yeah, it's the brain, isn't it?
It is the brain, but then if you look different, you'd be treated differently and you have a different personality.
You could still the same person, but people change anyway.
People's personalities change.
And if you're in a car accident and you lose all your memories,
you've got the same hardware.
People have had complete personality changes.
Particularly through Carl.
I knew someone who knew someone whose
girlfriend was in a terrible accident and she lost a lot of her memory.
And so the person she was with, her boyfriend or fiancé, she no longer related to them in the same way.
And equally, he, obviously, that wasn't the same woman that he was afraid of.
But was it his fault?
Was it his fault?
What's that got to do with it?
What's that got to do with it?
No, was it his fault?
Was the accident?
Well, what's that got to do with it?
Because you would be fed up, wouldn't you?
That's a completely different point that he was making.
No, it wasn't.
He said a woman had an accident.
Yeah, but we were talking about, are you the same person well hang on let's hear what carl's point is you said yeah you know this woman was in an accident yeah it's terrible that it's sad yeah now all i'm saying is your opinion just popped in there
sad yeah she went off it passed on your condolences yeah she went off the fella yeah all i'm saying is you're saying oh it's because a brain had a knock and went oh i'm not into him anymore but all i'm saying is if it was his fault who was driving the car and it happened because of him you would sort of go yeah but that's not the point i was making at all what's it wasn't it was a he wasn't involved, but B, it was because she got a form of amnesia, so she didn't relate to him in the same way because the life they'd spent together, she no longer had a memory of.
And equally, when he was talking to her, she was no longer the person that he'd first met.
Do you see what I mean?
So that's what my point was.
Not because he was in.
Oh,
yeah, no, I can understand that.
That doesn't surprise me that much, I suppose.
At the end of the day, it is what you go through, isn't it?
Yeah.
You can harp back, you can talk about stuff.
Harp back.
You can harp back.
Is that what a good relationship is based on?
If there's a lot of young people out there listening, they're wondering what to look for.
I think that's the best thing about getting old, isn't it?
You can sit down and do nothing but think about a lot.
If you're a baby, you've done that, you're lying there, you can't walk.
I can't remember being a baby, and I put that down to it being boring.
Because you only remember the birthday.
You can't remember your birthday.
No, it's you remember the good things in life, don't you?
I'm quite happy.
I can sit down for a good hour or so and just think back and go, oh, that was good.
When was the last time you reminisced?
Well, my mum and dad have been around, haven't they?
So, been reminiscing a lot.
Yeah.
What were you thinking of it?
We were just chatting about Tic Tacs.
One of the great memories, yeah.
Happy memories.
No, because I.
You see, here's the thing.
You're saying how that woman changed when she had her head caved in.
He never said that.
What did you?
Well, the brain accident.
Yeah.
Brain accident, yeah.
The tic-tacs.
Now, I used to love them.
Yeah.
When I was younger.
Yeah.
My dad got a load of them.
What this year?
No, no,
years ago when I loved them.
I said, I love TikToks, me.
He met one of his mates.
Did you get Nick him from the sweet shop?
No, no, no, that's not him.
No, he knew some mate who could get his hand on a load.
And
he must have got about 30 crates of Tic Tacs.
30 crates of TikToks.
Honestly, we'd have about 24 on each crate.
We got them, stuck them in a cupboard under the, just in the kitchen, the corner.
Yeah.
Now, I worked my way through about six crates.
It's quite happy.
In how how long?
I don't know, in about two weeks, three weeks, or something.
Right.
And then after that, I'm getting sick of these.
Right, yeah.
You were minty fresh, but you're lovely fresh breath.
Yeah.
But I mean, I haven't got that much more to tell you about it.
It's just
bear in mind, this was something he was recently reminiscing with his parents about.
They were sat around, and we've already learned up to an hour could go by reminiscing.
Sat around for an hour talking about the
responses.
I've got nothing to say about it.
I mean, I was nearly going to say, what did you do with the empty little flicky Tic Tac boxes?
And you realise that that's utterly done and boring.
Well, I was struggling.
I don't know what this hand look is, other than a bloke.
You said your dad, I like Tic Tacs, me.
He went, all right, I talked to Albert.
Albert, you got Tic Tacs.
I've got 30 crates if that'll do.
Yeah, I'll bring him out, put him under cover.
He's gone through 12 crates.
What's his breast like?
Fucking lovely, but he's been sick all over the counting place.
Oh, do you want some more?
No, of course we fucking don't.
You'll talk about that in a few years' time.
Cause I've been around for about a fucking hour.
And then we bring it up on an audio book.
But I think that's how we got onto it.
Because even though I tried to get rid of a load, I used to give them to mates, take them to school, say, have some tic-tacs, yeah, you can have them for free.
We used a load in the cat litter tray.
No, no, we didn't, we did, it was just ways of getting rid of them, Jesus Christ, sort of freshy, sort of freshy smell, isn't it?
That's the same sort of condensity, in that, innit?
Condensity is the same condensity, same condensity, yeah.
So I got rid of them like that.
And then the weird thing was, even though I'd got shut of them all,
you'd be backing up and you'd always hear one ting its way up the tube.
It's tinging its way up the tube.
It's tinging its way up the tube.
It's tinging its way up the tube.
Ding tong, ping pong.
It's tinging its way up the tube.
That sounds like something from Willie Wonka.
Oh, God.
No, it's just, I'm just demonstrating that because that's how many of them there were around the house.
You'd drop them, they'd go in every corner and like Pac-Man or something.
They'd be everywhere.
You'd be backing it up.
Tinging it up.
Sheila's getting married.
How do I get a confetti.
Don't buy any confetti.
Go to a cupboard understairs.
So, um, so yeah, that's a little memory there, isn't it?
It is a little memory.
That is a really little memory.
It's a strange tic-tac house in Salford where everything is made of tic-tacs.
Wow, that must have been a hell of a
hell of a time you have with your parents there and the old tic-tac remembrance.
But it's better.
You see, you're saying, oh, what a boring story that is.
But whenever we gravelled the drive, yeah, smell it.
Suck the drive if you want.
Fucking ya.
I know, but it's different.
When my mum and dad are there and they can remember that, and they're going, oh yeah, yeah, the tic-tac incidents and stuff.
What's known as the tic-tac incident?
The tic-tac incident.
Let us never speak of the tic-tac incident.
I just imagine the clock ticking.
There, it's Christmas Day.
What are you smiling at?
Oh, remember it used to ting up the tune.
You should think about selling this to Hollywood.
Listen, what what do you remember then?
What do I remember?
That's an amazing thing to say.
That's a difficult question to answer.
Yeah, I don't.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Why, out of interest, though, and this will sound naive, why don't we remember the very early moments of our lives?
Is it because it would be too harrowing to remember the point at which we
sort of born?
Because I don't really remember anything from those first few years.
Is it just because the brain's not fully formed at that moment?
I don't know.
The memory's not sufficiently developed.
It's got to be trauma, on it.
It's the things.
Again, we were talking about me being younger, and the youngest I could remember back to was 1978.
How old were you then?
Where were you born?
72.
What
you couldn't remember earlier than six?
You can remember back to about two or three, most people.
What year?
No, no way.
No way.
Me and mum and dad don't even remember me then.
Because you're not doing anything.
This is what I'm saying.
Mum and dad don't even remember me then.
That's amazing.
Because
they pinpoint things to all the tiktoks they remember me.
Do you remember when Carl was six?
Of course I do.
Five?
Yeah.
Four?
Oh, yeah.
Three?
No.
Two?
No.
Because you're not doing anything, are you?
But my mum and dad don't even remember me then.
And it's weird.
I remember must have been about two sitting on a potty surrounded by Lego.
I remember that.
Very
strong image I have of that.
No, I don't remember that.
No, you don't remember that.
What do you mean?
What, you don't remember Steve sitting on a potty surrounded by Lego?
I mean, I can't remember having a potty.
I remember having a Totty.
I'm not suggesting you have the same memory.
Why do we eat a Tic-Tac while you're having a shit?
Okay, so what is your very first memory?
The one that cropped up the other day was having my eyes sort of glued together by
gangsters.
Where's the fucking tic-tacs?
No.
We lost our truck for you, guys.
When I was on holiday, I slept near the window, and the window was open.
And I used to wake up in the morning with my eyes shut.
My mum and dad thought I was having a lovely lie-in, and it was just coming off my eyes.
But what?
Why are they?
I'm in a bed.
Why were they glued?
What do you mean they were glued?
But why didn't you say, Mum dad, I'm not asleep?
My eyes are glued together.
It's just you get a build-up on the eyelashes.
Yeah, yeah.
And it all.
But when they came in and you could sense them looking at them, I didn't know they were there.
What do you mean?
Why didn't you say so?
And so you lay there dead still.
Well, you should have sprinkled some tic-tacs around the bed, then you'd have heard them crunching in as they came in.
Yeah.
Oh, what do you mean?
Wait, so your eyes are stuck together, you're lying there, you're still.
You're awake, but you can't open your eyes, so you don't say anything.
Well, why?
What happened?
It happened a lot.
It happened a lot.
But your memory was that this was scary to you because you thought you'd gone blind.
Probably, and it hasn't happened since, so it's something you remember happening, isn't it?
It's like the kidney stone thing.
That will always stay with me because it's like I was in agony.
Yeah.
And that's what I'm saying about trauma.
It's quite frightening when you're a kidney.
So we don't remember trauma.
But you were saying you don't remember trauma.
No, I.
Do you remember that conversation we had a few minutes ago?
Maybe it's because I had time to lie there and think about it.
Because I sort of wonder that if having vision does get in the way.
No, it's a good one.
Okay, go on.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Yeah, go on.
Well, just
your eyes are, you know.
Go on.
What are they?
They're the thing that makes you do the things you want to do, aren't they?
Your eyes.
What do you mean, interesting?
Go on.
Everything, everything.
You might want to.
You might like drawing.
Right.
Your eyes.
That's an example, though, isn't it?
Because then you might like music and you don't need your eyes for that, do you?
Well, yeah, because you've still got to find your way to the record shop to find the record you want.
No, someone could
put it for you, or you could
what I mean is your eyes
say, say, rather than smells, you might be the perfume energy.
Let me just think.
Wine tasting.
I've just always thought
blind people
are probably good listeners.
Right, yeah, that makes sense.
Yes.
Which means
that they'll be more brainy.
Possibly.
They won't waste their eyes on watching rubbish telly no yeah sure
um
but bear in mind you learn a lot don't you just from what you see you absorb a lot of information from what you see yeah but but blind people are gonna say right i'm not gonna be defeated here right i'm gonna make sure that i still feed my brain with stuff right
whereas if you've got eyes your eyes can sometimes say well
Don't listen to that intelligent thing there.
Watch some rubbish on the telly.
Yeah.
Your eyes eyes are saying that, are they?
Who are they talking to?
I'm just saying, if you've got eyes,
you're more drawn to things that keep your eyes.
What are you drawn to, though?
Keep your eyes, keep your eyes interested.
It's like everything, it picks your food for you.
Does it?
No, it does.
It does.
Of course, it does.
That's why they advertise food in a way that the look, those adverts on the telly, look at this.
This isn't an ordinary pasta.
Yeah.
So you'd eat
a nice plastic apple, would you?
It looked like a lovely, lovely, it looked like an apple, eat it.
Presentation is 90% of what goes on now in this world.
Whether it's clothes, is that a statistical picture?
That's because you know what the thing you like looks like.
So you recognise it, you go, oh, I like that.
You don't go, oh, I like the look of that.
I ate it last time, and I liked the look of it as I was eating it.
You go, I know what that is.
That's the thing that tasted good.
Not always.
No?
I think there's a lot of cakes out there, and I've been conned where my eyes have gone, that looks good.
I'll go, can I have one of them?
And I get it, and it's just like air with cream on it.
But that's nothing you're doing.
But you've just contradicted your own point.
No, I haven't.
I've said my eyes have said, this is what you want.
Yeah.
And I've been disappointed with it.
So your eyes shouldn't pick your food then, should they, really?
They shouldn't.
No, they do.
Well, again, the next time
the eyes go again, remember?
Yeah, but I'll say, I'll sort of go, hang on a minute.
You remember last time?
This is different.
You are the strangest man
there's nothing weird about you are the strangest person I've ever met so are you mistrustful of your eyes you don't trust anything you've seen there you quit
here's a clearer way of describing it go on holiday brochure right your eyes look at it look at this villa here look at that it's got its own pool close to all the amenities
get there my eyes what have you picked because it's not who's arguing now who's angry with your eyes were your eyes angry then no i was angry okay so your mouth and brain are angry with your eyes because one my nose has kicked in, I'm next to the bins.
Right, okay.
You couldn't see that in the brochure, and the eyes couldn't see that.
That's true, true, true.
The bottle banks again, they're close by.
My ears are going, what's the racket?
Yeah.
My eyes are going, sorry.
What?
Your eyes are saying sorry.
I'm just saying, you can't trust your guns.
I don't care.
I'm surprised they felt guilty.
I love the fact that is
sense of humour biology is based on the numbskulls.
I don't know why you you must pick stuff based on what your eyes thought initially.
Well it depends.
But Carl, they're not detached in this separate way.
They're not different operatives or with different agendas.
It's all connected.
It should be.
If I look at a picture in a brochure or a magazine and I think, oh, that looks nice, my brain instantly says, be careful though, because that's a publicity tool in order to try and sell me this particular idea deal.
Chances are it doesn't look exactly in real life like it does in the brochure.
I'm instantly thinking that.
I'm not going, hey, I'll book that.
And then two weeks later, I get there, I can't believe I'm fucking disappointed.
Ears, what do you make of it?
Well, I'm livid because I can hear some fucking racket.
All I'm saying is, you don't see that many disappointed blind people.
You don't see that many disappointed blind people.
You're not let down that much.
They're not let down.
Spurious.
You've got no information for that, no evidence for that at all.
You've just made that.
You don't see many disappointed blind people.
I've always been fascinated in biology in general.
And I remember when I was about 13 or 14, I got this book, Man's Body, an Owner's Manual.
I was fascinated by it.
It's like a sort of textbook, is it?
About it's great though, because it's got absolutely everything from you know, um, life and death.
And then I was worried that you could chart when you die from sort of things like you know, where you were born, socioeconomic group, um,
have you had fill-ins, and all that.
I was like, oh, I'd worry, and you give yourself a point system.
But, um, it's a fascinating book, it's got everything, and of course, all the stuff about male sex organs.
You know,
I can't think of the number of men that went home and got a a ruler after reading about averages.
There's a nice little chapter here.
What is the average?
You have to push really hard with the ruler until it's sort of like going right into your stomach, and then you can get it up to like two or three inches.
Lovely chapter here on sexuality.
I want to read one.
This is under the homosexual activities.
It goes into what they like.
Anal sex, it explains what that is.
It's anal sex.
this is inserting the penis into the partner's anus.
Normally with the aid of an artificial lubricant, so it gives you all the details there.
Now, in addition to anal intercourse, many homosexuals have practiced fisting, inserting a hand or fist or other objects into the anus as a form of sexual stimulation.
Experience has shown, however, that this practice should be avoided since it can cause gay bowel syndrome.
No, I'd never heard of that.
Wow.
Gay bowel syndrome.
Gay bowel syndrome.
Fissures, like lesions and stuff, and other damage to the walls of the rectum.
So you'd go to the doctor and go, oh, I've got problems with those.
Well, you've got gay bowel syndrome.
Are you gay?
Yes, I am.
Yeah.
Alright.
Have you been sticking another man's fist up your anus?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We like that.
Okay, well, my advice to you is to stop that because it's causing damage.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
I'm not going to stop it, by the way.
I'm not going to stop it.
I'm going to carry on doing that.
And then just keep coming back here with a sore ass, if that's alright.
And you can just fix it, can you?
Because
in fact, I'm going to go home now and do it.
Even though you've told me that I probably shouldn't.
Gay bowel syndrome, you say.
Carl, what do you think about that?
Sticking a fist up your ass.
Wasn't meant to be, was it?
I mean, it's not, you know, it's going to do damage, isn't it?
It's it's like
you've got to know when to stop putting stuff in a carrier bag
and it's the same as that innit because it rips yeah someone told me this recently at a party
uh fascinating fact um see what you think of it carl he told me that apparently if you've got time on your hands you can put your fist inside someone else's arse and then you can work your hand very slowly up through the person's body takes about about two hours, apparently.
And eventually, it's what he told me.
You can touch that person's heart.
Right.
And it's like the most intimate thing you could ever do with someone else.
That's bollocks.
That's what he said.
That's what I've done.
How could you touch their heart?
One, the alimentary canal is about 30 feet long, so you'd have to either have to have 30, you have to be Mr.
Tickle, right?
Or you'd have to be rolling up the alimentary canal as you go, like a stocking on a pole, right?
And then when you get up there, how can you touch the heart?
You'd have to rip through the esophagus, which would would kill them, okay?
If that if the arm going all the way up there
the wrong way didn't kill them.
I like the idea of someone saying that to a loved one.
All right, love.
Love, little surprise for you.
The kids are at your mother's.
Yeah.
I've put the phones off the hook.
They're kids out for two hours.
Actually, they're better out for four because I'm going to need to get it back out again.
Yeah.
Where's the marge?
It's like imagine the doorbell goes, you've got to sign for a package.
Who told you that at a party?
A psychopath?
I don't know.
And then he was convinced it was true because he went online to try and,
even when we were at a party, he found a computer and he started typing in fist heart stuff.
And I said, you better delete that in case the person whose computer
also, if the aim is to touch the heart, right, go buy the mouth, it's shorter.
Let's pop it down the mouth.
Yeah.
Carl thoughts.
I mean, there's getting to know people.
I mean, do you know how people say, oh, you shouldn't use a toilet with the door open and all that?
Because it ruins
you knowing too much and everything.
But that for me, where do you go from there?
Yeah.
But I've you know me, I mean, I've got nothing against uh gays and that, but I have I've they puzzle me s to this day.
There's still things that happen when uh I go, What is all that about?
Like what?
I went to what's her name?
Arley Street.
I went for a a check up
and uh like a medical.
Posh, you know, Arley Street, it's like the top doctors, and I've never been before, all posh buildings and that.
Uh, went up to the counter.
I said, uh, here's the doctor.
They said, name, yeah, give us ten minutes, go and wait in the waiting room.
Dead posh waiting room, dead fancy, big leather furniture and that.
Loads of magazines.
I mean,
like a news agent in the middle of the room on a table, loads of them.
So I'm looking through, and there's the, you know, there's the top quality ones, you're a squire, you know, GQ, classy, yacht weekly,
all that, country life.
Boys.
Boys?
There's one there, yeah.
Boys.
What's that?
Right, lifted up like the one on top of it.
And it's like boys with a Z.
Two fellas stood there.
Looking sort of Italian-looking.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Remember Brother Beyond?
That sort of look.
Right.
Sort of greasy air.
Dungarees on.
No shirt, though.
No shirt, just dungarees sort of unbuttoned hanging down a little bit.
So no one else is about.
I'm never going to buy a magazine like that.
You're going to tell us you look through a cabinet.
I had a little
look just because I thought, you know, like I say, it's one of the things.
You're always looking to learn, aren't you?
You're always looking to learn.
Yeah.
Always open.
You know, there might have been something in there that I go, right, I get it now.
I understand why they like doing that or whatever.
Yeah.
So she said I was going to, you know, 10-minute wait.
I can have a quick flick through.
Picked it up, had a look.
Still none the wiser.
Well, what did you see when you opened it up?
Just loads of.
I mean, like I've said to you before, about I don't know why they like looking at knobs when they've got one of their own.
Right.
There's no surprises there.
You're not going to go, oh, that's a good thing.
Sure,
lots of that.
Yeah, but they can't get to it, can they?
They can't get to their own.
Who can't?
Well, if they want a little
little chew, a little notch, they can't get to their own, can they?
They'll break their back.
But they can't get to this fella's in the magazine.
It's only a picture, they're just looking at it, they might as well look at their own.
That's what I mean.
Yeah, just have a look at it.
They just stood there, they're not up to anything, they were just sort of stood there.
Some had like car oil on the face.
There was one sat on a I don't know, just like a mechanic type thing, car oil on the face and like rubbed on the chest and that.
Sure.
Not about.
There was someone sat on um like a a one of them square things of hay,
yeah,
like sort of sat on it, straddling it.
Yeah.
That was been uncomfortable.
Yeah, yeah, just looking like it's normal.
That's crazy.
No farmer walks around like that.
What was the other one?
There was a motorbike.
They always like them.
I'm going through and then the content is all
puns.
Right.
It's all, you know,
it's a couple of weeks ago.
I should have wrote some down.
Everything was to do with knob.
Right.
That's the only bit they're interested in.
In the nail bottom.
Look at this bloody striving this huge throbbing thing.
The bike's not bad either.
Yeah, all that.
Loads of them.
It was just
all just cock.
Just 100%.
Let's just talk about the knob.
That's a good name for a gay maker.
100% cock.
100% cock.
Did it not at any moment maybe slightly underview you that you might the doctor might come in and see you reading boys?
No, because I wasn't sure.
What about if I walked through?
Because I remember once when you were in hospital, about to have a tube going down your knob, and you were sitting in your pants with stockings on, and I walked through and you were horrified.
So, what if I'd have walked in then and went,
I would have just said, look at this.
Look at this, it's free.
And I'd have said, Why did you bring that with you?
No, I would have just said, Look, does it look like I brought it with me?
Yeah, yes, it does.
So you would never see, you would never see a gay magazine in a doctor's waiting room.
So I think you bought that and then pretended that it was that.
That's the thing.
I was amazed by that.
Because there was no, like, you know, there was no Mayfair or anything.
They just catered for, like, if you wanted a bit of knob action.
It was really, I mean, really, I could have complained.
Because if you're going to have this, where's a bit of the other?
Yeah.
You've had a bit of this, where's a bit of the other.
I know one of the things that that they had, and I thought they'd really struggling with like ideas.
They had a Sukkoko.
As in Suducco.
Yeah.
Sukoko.
Sudcocco.
Surely Sudiko is better.
No, because it was like Sukkocco.
Yeah, but it's Dick as as well.
Subdico.
Yeah.
Well, and it was still a Suducco style puzzle, but it just had that name.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just everything.
It was just Suducco, but called Sukco.
That's amazing.
That is amazing.
Now, if I was gay, do you know how like?
Let's have a game of Lubo.
Let's have a game of Nobopoly.
Noberation.
Noberation.
Let's have a game of chess.
Cock.
Let's have a game of fuckaroo.
Well, that works for either sex.
Yeah, that's true.
That's how we spend our time.
Okay, fuck a poo.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Human intimacy is a very strange thing because kissing is a bizarre thing, isn't it really?
I mean, I don't know what the evolutionary origin of kissing is.
You know what I mean?
It's quite a sort of strange.
It's like anything.
It's a strange thing.
It's because if you start reading about all the weird stuff that goes on, like people who have it away with dead bodies and that, it's because you've planted the seed in your head.
And you start going, oh, I'll give that a go.
Like food.
You either want an olive or you don't.
Some people will go, I'll try it.
Some will go, they're not for me.
Do you want an olive?
Uh, no, but you can shove your hand at me so far to touch me up.
Uh
you haven't got any olives.
I have got some olives, but if you are fed up with olives, I've got an arse here going begging and only and uh thirty foot along the anime's nail is a little heartlite, you know.
But the thing is,
if you give that a go and you enjoy it, then you want to do it again.
Yeah,
do not try and do that.
Do not try and stick your hand so far at someone's ass you can touch their heart.
There is no point to it.
It is a myth that it could happen.
You will end up murdering someone.
Sorry, state of affairs where you've got to put that message out there.
Yeah.
But that's it, isn't it?
That's the other thing, isn't it?
That
you don't hear of animal fetishes and animal phobias.
You know, you don't get a lion who's a little bit nervous about antelope.
I don't like antelope meat.
And yet you have people here who are um all those weird things of people who um can only have sex with a pavement, which is a good thing to you know, you'll never be lonely unless someone suddenly drops you on a desert island and you go, I'll never see a pavement again.
What do you think of that?
Those people that just think, you know.
Well, they're just idiots, aren't they?
There are some weird people.
You know, you've got some clever ones, you've got a lot of divs.
There's more divs on the world than better ones.
Wow, that's a brief sentence to say.
Yeah, he's right, though.
He's right.
As gobbledygook as that was, he's absolutely right.
I think Carl isn't a div.
I think he's a better one, but doesn't know it.
I think he's.
it's strange because I think that um he's got all the other evolution of the human being, but um he doesn't know which side is bread's buttered.
He doesn't realise he's cleverer than he is.
The number of times I find a theory that he said in gobbledygook, but it's true.
I think that
I just think he's been dealt
a bad hand in the brain department.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah,
thoughts, Carl?
Well your brain's in two bits, innit?
Yeah.
And I wonder if one half is really good, the other half's messing it up.
Yeah.
That could be the case.
Yeah, well it is split into two, yeah, and they are responsible for different things.
Yeah.
It's like these sort of families where there's a kind of really bright kid and then a sort of wayward child who just gets into drugs and stuff.
Sort of like that up there.
Yeah.
In your head.
Because you have quite sort of out there nebulous thoughts and you've got a lot of common sense.
Haven't you?
And just having that
other sense of like, this is dodgy.
What spoiler sense?
Just that sense where you just go, I don't know why, but something's telling me we shouldn't be here.
And you go, alright, let's go.
And you move from it, and you don't know what that is.
You don't know what's decided that.
You know, it's like when you're lost.
A part of my brain's got me lost, but then there's another bit that I don't know what it is where they go,
go left,
and you do, and then you go, remember that time when you called me and I said, I don't know where I am, and I couldn't concentrate.
Think of that, think of that.
I called him, I went, God, what are you doing?
I don't know where I am.
What do you mean you didn't know where you were?
You got lost, or in London, you got lost.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I went wandering, and then you know, it's when he first moved into his new place, he was walking back from his old place to his new place, and he didn't know where he was.
He tried to really get lost in London, though.
I'm just cabby.
Well, yeah, yeah, I don't want to do that because you feel bad pulling one over and then saying, Where am I?
Yeah, they do appreciate that, do they?
But I found my way back, didn't I?
Yeah, but you told me one time that
you much prefer getting lost.
Do you love wandering around and getting lost?
You said that's much better.
It was a cold day.
It was a cold day.
I just wanted to be at home.
I had things to do.
There's a time and place to be lost.
One when, go on.
Well, the place you don't lose.
Where's the place to be lost?
Somewhere you don't know.
Right, good.
Okay, so the time?
When you're not in a rush.
Right.
But that time I was in a rush.
And it was cold.
So a typical argument in your head is what?
I'm lost.
I'll do one side of the brain.
You do the other side of the brain, okay, in your head, okay?
Carl.
What?
This isn't where we should be.
You want to go home, don't you?
This isn't your house, because
it's a field.
You live in a house, don't you?
Why are we standing in a field?
This isn't your house.
You're meant to go home, but you've walked into a field.
No, but that wasn't.
I've never been that lost when I'm walking across a field.
At the edge of the field, I'd go, hang on a minute, this isn't right.
I won't get in the middle.
I won't go that far.
I'd go right.
I definitely shouldn't be here.
You did once.
You were in the middle of a field and your dad had to rescue you, that's when I was a kid because I was reading as I was walking.
And he never read again.
But there's another sense.
I was in the middle of nettles there.
Yeah.
I'd walked.
It was at
my brother's wedding in Cornwall.
And I was walking near a cliff edge.
Reading a book.
Okay, so, so, so, so, okay.
So
walking.
Carl, I know you're enjoying this book.
Can I have a word with you?
Just look to just look past the book a minute.
It's just...
There's a big drop.
Yeah.
Well, that's what happened.
And then that's when the other sense is went, hang on a minute, minute, I'm being stung.
Load of nettles and stuff.
And I just had to wait there for aging.
So my dad sort of thought, where's Carl?
I was there for about an hour and a half.
You should have bugged.
Fuck me, like a cartoon.
But why are you wandering off reading a book when it's your brother's wedding?
No, this was like, we were in, I think it was
St.
Ives in Cornwall.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was in St.
Ives.
And
just, you know, it was a nice day and that there was no telly in the place.
It was a horrible house.
It was haunted
actually.
No, honestly.
No, not honestly.
It wasn't haunted.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
So you saying honestly it was haunted means fuck all.
It's the most it's the weirdest place and weirdest sensation I've ever had.
I spoke to a woman called Mrs.
Battersby.
Right.
Who sat on my bed keeping me up all night.
My mum came up, she said, you look shattered.
I said, yeah, I'm had a kid all night.
She said, why?
I said, I've been talking to Mrs.
Battersby.
She said, who's that?
I said, no, some old woman.
No, I can't remember it now, but that's what I did then.
And then, uh, sorry, sorry, so Mrs.
Battersby didn't exist.
Is that what you're saying?
She was the ghost.
Yeah.
Wasn't the landlady?
No, there's no landlady.
It's a big house,
about 12 bedrooms in it.
Right.
Dead, dead cheap to stay there because it was a wreck.
Did you have a flu at the time?
No, I had nothing like that.
I just.
So you were sitting up, but you were awake, and you were having a conversation with Mrs.
Battersby.
What did she look like?
I can't remember.
I can't even remember having the chat now.
Right, but so at the time I was like, oh, she just doesn't shut up.
Chatting all night.
So you don't remember this happening?
Or you do remember it happening?
No, I remember that, like, if I see my mum now and I mention St.
R, she'll go, oh, yeah, Mrs.
Battersby.
She remembers coming in because she was older than me, wasn't she?
So to her, my mum.
Was she?
Oh, Mrs.
Battersby.
She was older than the Battersby.
She was older because I'm calling her Mrs.
Battersby.
If she was my age, I'd probably say, oh, it's Susan or whatever.
Right, sure.
You call older people
by the same name, don't you?
Yeah.
Anyway, so she kept.
Don't know.
I'm thinking of pictures at the wedding.
Why do you have to go through other things to just have a memory?
I don't understand why you haven't got direct access to your memories.
How old do you reckon you were?
Your mom was older, though, yeah.
You must have a vague idea of when this is happening.
I'm thinking about it now, I'm thinking.
I'm picturing the picture of myself at this wedding.
Okay.
And how old are you?
What you doing?
How tall?
I'd say I look about.
I'd say I look about seven or eight looking at the picture.
Right, okay.
Right, okay.
So, Mrs.
Battersby is chatting away to you.
You don't remember what she said, but you do remember having the conversation.
No, he doesn't remember it at all.
I don't remember the chat now.
Well, then, why are you telling us about it?
You must remember it.
Because you're telling us about it.
It's not your memory.
Because it's a memory.
My mum's reminded me of it.
Yeah, but all it says is, oh, this is so far removed.
This is hearsay that your mum said you spoke to a ghost once.
You don't even remember the ghost.
Mrs.
Battersby.
No, you don't even remember it because your mum reminded you of it.
In a court of law, if there was a ghost caught, they'd go hearsay, say, throw now,
right.
You don't have a memory of Mrs.
Batsby.
I know that when I was a kid, I ate a beetle.
I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.
Now, I can't remember that now.
You can't remember that, but you rem you know it happened because your mother told you it happened.
Exactly.
Right.
But the fundamental thing is that we can believe
that we can believe you ate a beetle, right, because that is something that could happen in real life.
But what we're questioning is that you spoke to a ghost.
Me, I thought it was a different ghost.
What sort of beetle was it?
Just one of the standard beetles, just the black, shiny one.
Thing is, right?
A couple of years ago, we were in the Ivy and the food came, and there's a big blob of wasabi, right?
It was like a um
called an Oriental hors d'oeuvre, right?
And I looked over at Carl and he's like,
drinking water.
I said, What was it?
He said, I have a.
I said, that was a blob of wasabi.
He said, I thought it was one mushy pea.
That's a classy restaurant, isn't it?
Serving one mushy pea.
Well, they do that, don't they?
Small portions.
It's all trendy, isn't it?
I love the fact that it's exactly the same thing.
They've swapped beetle for wasabi and literature for pea.
You see things, you see something.
It's a good job you remember that anecdote, though, because he doesn't.
Exactly, yeah.
In years to come, we'll be going, ate some wasabi once, did you?
Well, according to Ricky, I did.
Yeah, I was in the Ivy and I thought, I thought it were mushy pea.
So hang on, I just want to go back to Mrs.
Battersby because you confidently said, you confidently said,
it was the most haunted place, but you've got no real evidence for it.
Because even
you claim you had this encounter, you don't even remember it.
But you don't remember everything in life.
But you supposedly had a conversation with a ghost.
I didn't know.
When I was younger, I didn't know.
But you remember the specifics of an ant walking around?
Yeah, so you thought, ah, so I see.
If you'd have had the memory, it would just be a nice old lady on the end of your bed all night.
Right.
And then.
Then when I mentioned it, my man was saying, what do you mean, Mrs.
Battersby?
Who's Mrs.
Battersby?
When you're a kid, you're not terrified, are you?
No.
Nothing scary.
I mean, I'm beginning to think who the fuck is Mrs.
Battersby, I must admit.
So, yeah, that was
a weird place.
I mean, there was no telly.
All they had for sort of company was a calculator.
Carl, you're the strangest little man that's ever lived.
Company!
He had to come in.
There goes Carl with his friend.
Who's his friend?
It was a Sanyo 4197G.
I love that.
That's amazing.
Call calculator.
Do that boobs thing again.
My mum dad used to go out.
Just shots of him with his campfire on the beach.
Sunday.
Maybe beautiful and yeah.
Or plus 60,
what would it be?
More every friend would have you like,
oh God.
Just imagine shots of him in Vietnam.
He's carrying Tommy
when the batteries tied the hat on the funeral for him.
His barrels were all over the floor.
Oh, fuck me now.
The only company was a calculator.
I used to knock around with a brick.
Oh, fuck me.
Carl, the human body is one of the things that you're actually genuinely fascinated in.
This is one of the things that you admit
is quite amazing.
And I think we all agree with that.
Here's some quite incredible stats and facts about the human body.
Or think of this.
50,000 of the cells in your body will die and be replaced with new cells all while you're listening to this sentence.
Go on.
Well, that's it.
What's the sentence?
That was the sentence.
What was the sentence again?
Well, it doesn't matter.
The sentence doesn't matter.
50,000 just dying and being replaced, replaced in that type of thing what are they doing different cells do different things some are taste buds some carry hemoglobin and oxygen to other cells yeah some are skin some are liver I've heard about skin I've heard a lot of skin sort of what you've heard
rumour about skin you have a lot of skin what's just it keeps all your stuff from falling on the fucking floor well it's it's the thing that makes you what you are as well isn't it more than more than anything but without the skin you're just a skeleton you look all the same.
No, you're not just a skeleton, no.
Other than your lungs and your heart and your kidneys and stuff.
What I'm saying is, I don't know.
I went to all the flesh on top and all the blood vessels and everything.
I went to that bodies exhibition.
Yeah.
He knows all about the human body because he went to the bodies exhibition.
Do you know where the German fellow cuts bodies up?
Yes.
No.
He had a load of people on show.
Could have all been the same family.
Because everyone without the skin on their head looks the same.
Other than height,
everybody looks exactly the same.
And that's why racism is so stupid.
Well, it's a good point.
Good point, isn't it?
Yeah.
That saying that, though, I did think most of them were Chinese.
What made you draw that conclusion?
It's just the eyes.
I didn't have any eyelids.
Honestly, if you've seen it, it looks something that.
And they're a bit mad, aren't they?
They do all that endurance stuff.
And I thought this is the ultimate way to go in it.
I think they're just the Japanese, yeah.
Yeah, completely different race, culture, country, nation.
Right, well.
Well, the Japanese, then.
I reckon they've donated their body to it.
You started off saying you cannot tell anything about where they come from because they haven't got any skin.
It was just the eyes.
It didn't didn't occur to you.
I mean, was there not any information saying where the bodies were sourced for?
They don't tell you, they just tell you that if you want to be part of an exhibition later in your life,
put your name down.
And what did you learn about the body from this exhibition?
Well, I told you.
You know, we all look
similar.
At the end of the day, your skin is what makes people look different.
Yeah, that's the bit that makes you look like you, doesn't it?
Yeah.
That's the bit that you can tell how old somebody is.
Yeah, that's what you recognise.
You don't recognise someone's skeleton and their brain.
Unless it's the elephant man.
But then again, with the skin on, I couldn't tell you how old he was.
There's something about his head and everything that he's just ageless.
He could buy a packet of fags and be underage.
He could get on a bus and say he's an OAP.
I have not got a clue how old the elephant man was.
There's no distinguishing things for his age, is there?
But with most people,
it's the skin that does it.
Strip all that away, and they were all stood upright as well.
They weren't sort of unched.
Right.
Unched to have been straightened up.
Not unchanged.
Is that the German bloke?
Unched.
But what did I learn?
That's what you're asking me.
Can I answer that?
Sure.
Fuck all.
Oh, there we are.
The skin, of course, you are right in saying, is an extraordinary thing.
I mean, it is
almost unlike any man-made item.
It's one of the most waterproof things, obviously, one of the most durable,
one of the strongest and yet stretchiest.
I mean, it is a remarkable achievement.
One square inch of skin
has four yards of nerve fibers.
In what?
In one inch?
In one inch, square inch of skin.
It's got 1,300 nerve cells.
and 100 sweat glands in a in a square inch of skin and 3 million cells right and three yards of blood vessels.
Tiny, those tiny little things, and they make up three yards' worth.
But I understand you need the blood bit, but the nerves, I'd shorten the nerves.
What do you mean?
I wouldn't have as many nerves.
I think if I could change it.
Well, it depends because there are different amounts per square inch.
You've got less on the back of your hand than on the finger tips, obviously.
And I think
the most nerve endings are tip of the spine.
Tip of the finger.
Well, that's probably going to be be quite sensitive.
Unnecessary, innit?
In that, in that.
Unnecessary.
It is really.
Why is it unnecessary?
Because I'd say what you want.
I think you need them in your fingers because you're picking up hot stuff.
Sure.
I've never put my knob somewhere that I thought I didn't feel that.
There's a quote.
There's a quote.
If you're sticking it somewhere bad, or you shouldn't be, so it's your own fault, isn't it?
Is what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I don't think it's just for your penis to be able to identify hot stuff.
No, I think it's for other reasons why it's super sensitive.
Is that hob hot enough for your soup?
Well, I got literally.
Well, you don't need a thermometer.
Well, no, no, no, no.
The thermometer's not accurate.
Well, it is.
It's a murky thermometer.
Well,
you need some, you know, I don't want a reading, I want a feeling.
No, no, you don't need it in that bit.
Well, the penis is sensitive, I assume.
Because of the sexual stimulation, yes, because you need.
You don't need the nerves for that.
Well, you do, yeah, because you need.
Well, something needs to stimulate it for it to know, to send a thing to your brain, and you go, all right, we're we're mating here, we need to
get half our genetic material to that egg.
I lost him, didn't I?
Yeah, when did I lose him, though?
When you tried to explain how babies are boring,
Carl,
every human being spent about half an hour as a single cell.
I've heard about that.
What do you mean, you've heard about that?
I remember reading it.
I read it.
I think I went to the Science Museum.
And it was on the wall.
And I just thought, oh, I would have hated that.
What, being a single cell?
For half an hour.
But then, when was there ever a chance of a single cell knowing anything?
Yeah, if you look at it like that, it's not a problem, yeah.
It never was a problem.
Why are they telling us then?
Oh, for God's sake!
This is a guide to.
We're trying to educate.
I mean, you know,
this is for people to.
You know, it's just an interesting discussion, isn't it?
So,
we are going to come up with some facts.
There are going to be some things that we don't know the answer to.
There's going to be many things you don't know the answer to.
Sometimes you're right, sometimes you're wrong.
Sometimes we learn something, sometimes we don't.
It's just adding to the debate, really.
I just thought it was quite an interesting thing.
What do you think when you read that?
What goes on in your head?
I think it's incredible that that's how it starts.
That you see
there, that then it divides and divides again.
It's a cognizant being.
Yeah.
That every cell knows what it's got to do.
It's remarkable.
It's remarkable.
DNA.
Stunning.
Yeah, I'm surprised there's not weird, more weird stuff knocking around.
I've always said that.
But what's weird?
Just something that doesn't look like the rest of us.
Nothing looks like the rest of us.
There's nothing
otherwise, I mean, how many people are in the world?
Six billion.
Six billion.
Six billion people.
Yet, you don't walk down the street, and I'd expect every fifth person to be like, what is that?
Look at his head.
He's got three legs.
Why?
Why is the arm on the back of his head?
Why isn't there more defects in it?
Well, there has been.
Not that.
There are many.
Do you know like the total recall?
Yeah.
Like that?
Where everyone's a little bit weirder.
I mean, you know, there's only so much you can do.
I mean, even in that film, there was a woman with three tits.
You know, I'm not talking about having like a shoe for a head.
I'm just talking about
that.
He'd like to see more three-titted women, is what you're saying.
Yeah, one.
We'd all like to watch it.
I mean, it doesn't matter.
Mix it up.
At least then it's a bit more of a surprise.
What are you going to get?
One giant boob.
And it's a shame because it does make the world more interesting.
But what's more interesting than the world?
You're endlessly bored by the world as it is.
We're amazed.
We sit here amazed by these facts, by thinking about the cosmos.
You're endlessly bored by that.
Always looking for something new and weird and alien.
Do you know that they've estimated that there might be about five million species of animal, right?
But
they think
there might be another 20 million all-insects.
So they've stuck it about one,
but they wouldn't be surprised if there's another 20 million species of insect.
I wouldn't.
Right, okay.
Thanks very much.
No, because you start off with the big stuff, don't you?
If someone comes along, I mean, I'm still surprised when they say things like, we found a new duck.
And I think, well, that's not hard to find.
If you're talking about bacteria, I'd go, well done.
Where did you find it?
No, that's the other way around.
A new elephant.
Wow, really?
No.
Where was that hiding?
No, I'd be annoyed that someone's not found it.
It's not my job to find new stuff.
Right.
So it's not my problem.
But if someone's on the payroll and they're out there trying to find new species,
I found a new llama.
I'd go, well, where's it?
Why have you missed this?
Right.
Annoyed.
Yeah.
Not wow, there's a new llama.
No, but it's harder to find.
Attenborough, he's been doing his job for years, hasn't he?
Yeah.
He was excited that he found a small frog.
He found a a frog he stuck on his finger.
He said, I've been looking for that for ages.
And you could see.
He was delighted.
Yes.
He was chuffed.
That was chuffed for him.
He's been looking for it for ages.
Right.
Now, the thing is, respect due to him there.
His eyes aren't as good as they used to be.
Right.
He found a small frog.
He's been looking for it.
He kept looking.
I'd have given up if I was him.
But he kept looking, he found it.
There it was, a little frog on the end of his finger.
Right.
It wasn't on his finger all along, was it?
I've got more respect for him finding that, something so small, than someone else whose job it is to also be rooting around for new stuff, coming round the corner with an elephant, saying, Look, what I've got, I've been looking for this.
Yeah, but that's not looking hard enough.
No one's looking for an elephant and has failed to find it.
These people who are on the payroll looking for elephants are not a family.
By definition, they're not looking for new species because they don't know they exist.
It's a surprise.
No one goes out and goes, what are you looking for today?
I don't know.
Say a letter.
D, duckling, let's look for a new duck.
Where are you going to look?
Pond.
Alright.
I know, but sometimes it's the slightest thing.
I mean, we've done a lot of insects.
Yes, it is.
There you go.
I found a spider with like an orange leg or a fish that swims upside down.
It's like, put it the right way up.
I mean,
it's not worth noting.
I'd say, it's got to be a dramatic difference.
Right.
Right.
There's some dramatic contradictions.
You'd be annoyed when someone found a new elephant.
You'd think that was a sizable discovery, but no, that would piss you off because they should have found it before.
They find a fish that's swimming around upside down, put it it up the right way.
How different does the elephant need to be?
It comes around the corner, you go, that's just like another elephant.
How does it have to be different, right?
What to you has to be different?
To the point that I don't know it's an elephant.
That I go, like our hippos related to the elephant.
What do they look like then?
Well, we're all related.
We're all related.
No, we're not, we're not, though.
Yes, we are.
It's a tough thing to say that.
No, we are all related.
It's just a matter of degrees.
You understand what it means to be related to your brother, don't you?
Yeah.
So you understand what it means to be related to
your cousin.
Yeah, it starts getting a little bit really already at cousin.
Already at cousin.
There's cousins I don't talk to.
I haven't seen cousins.
Right, well, we're not.
So let's forget chimp then.
My dad said over Christmas that who do you think you are was on.
He said, oh, why don't you do that?
I said, because it's looking up dead people.
There's cousins who I don't even talk to.
Yeah.
I've no idea.
They're annoying when they cry about their great-great-grandmother who ends up, yeah, there, yeah.
Don't even know him.
Don't even know him.
And all it's going to do is dig up problems, innit?
You're going to find someone out who did something wrong, and you're going to get the blame for it.
I don't want to know.
If my cousin was Einstein, very nice.
Yeah.
But at the end of the day, that's the problem.
If that person was Einstein, then you really are an underachiever.
No, but do you know what?
If he was, I'd know about it.
I don't reckon you would know about it.
I reckon I'd say.
I don't reckon your family would be that impressed with Einstein.
He would have just stayed in touch with me.
He was always the the weird one with a scruffy air and his tongue out.
Yeah.
No.
I reckon the stuff we know is enough now.
And all we tend to do is find problems.
All the mystery is still in the world.
The mind-body problem.
What a bring.
How to save the world.
Yeah, but we know, are we?
We know it's dying.
We don't know how to fix it.
Not yet, we don't.
Turn your lights off.
But then we do.
You turn yours off.
Let's get sick of it.
Leaflets through the door all the time.
Turn your eating off.
Turn the lights off.
Living like a mole.
I love his little internal dialogues out loud.
They're fantastic.
The little discussions he has with himself.
Oh,
I can't wait till he's old.
That's going to be amazing, us three.
We're about 75, 80s.
He's fucking moaning.
Oh, we're in a little home together.
I just suck.
Fucking out.
Oh, Carl.
Do you remember when you were 73?
No, do I fuck?
Tell us the tic-tac I didn't do again.
Well, that's about it for the Ricky DeVay's Guide to the Human Body.
Hope you enjoyed it.
I hope you learnt something.
I know Carl didn't.
Next one, the final one in this series is The Ricketer's Guide to the Earth.
Carl, are we going to do any more guides or?
I think we've covered the main stuff you need to know.
Yeah.
It was good doing the guides though.
I like the attempt of learning.
I remember our early ambition was to actually be educational as well as hopefully entertaining, and I feel perhaps at times we've perhaps slightly short-changed listeners in terms of what they're learning.
Well, they're not learning anything because also,
even as you know, compared to Carl, we are educated, but we're guessing a lot of the stuff, and he flummoxes us
sometimes.
I mean, it was fun trying to be pompous and professorial enough just
to fight Carl's ignorance.
I think we've learnt more new words from Carl than we've learned anything else.
Yeah.
There's been a lot of the made-up words, and perhaps more than ever before.
And also, some of the most abstract conversations I think we've ever had.
I mean, Carl's, as he gets older, becomes more and more arrogant and confident.
He said a new one to me the other day.
There was a problem downloading one of the guides on iTunes, and
he said
they've added to the fuckerage,
which is good.
So, till the next time, it's goodbye for me, but you have Stephen Merchant, goodbye, and Carl Pilkington.
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