Guide To... S2E3 "The Future" (December 29, 2009)

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To quote the scholar and political theorist John Schar, the future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created, created first in the mind and will, created next in activity.

The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating.

From the schoolboy dreaming of big adventures to the scientist envisioning groundbreaking discoveries, we all care to imagine what the future will bring.

Many people have attempted to predict the future, others to mould and control it.

But what do we really know of the future?

How does the past inform it?

And what educated guesses can we make about the shape of things to come?

To discuss these questions and more, I'm joined by Stephen Merchant, award-winning writer and graduate of the University of Warwick.

Hello.

And Carl Pilkington, fucking Hmong.

One prediction for the future, Carl, is from an academic study, what the world will be like in about 75 years from now.

And a big prediction they're sort of sure of is that androgyny will rule.

There'll be so little difference between men and women, apart from the biology.

Economically, socially, it won't matter who the biggest breadwinner is, that's already being phased out.

If you're in a traditional heterosexual male, female couple, it'll be who stays home, who earns the most, or whatever.

It won't be governed by gender.

And that's getting less and less anyway, as it is now.

But soon, you won't even need a female or a man in your life.

You'll just need the egg or sperm.

And uh you'll be able to have any coupling you want or or not.

Thoughts, Carl?

That that isn't what I've heard.

What were you heard?

I heard that.

So you got you you read an academic study, Rick, but let's find out what Carl's been reading.

I heard we're uh

you know, we're all gonna go ugly.

Different point though, isn't it?

That's a different point.

Not listening to a word Ricky said.

No, it's just it's just uh if we all sort of go ugly,

that will sort the population out there.

He gets an extra syllable in the word ugly.

Ugly.

Ugly.

Ugly.

So that dangerous sorts the population out because people aren't sort of having it away.

They're fine.

Well, no, well, then that doesn't sort of.

What do you mean?

Sorry, Rick, I don't understand what the hell he said there.

Are you saying, because everyone's ugly, everyone won't want to have it away more with the ugly person?

Yeah.

Okay, I still don't.

You seem to understand what he's talking about, Rick.

I'm still confused.

What he thinks is that

if we're all ugly, then we still have this strange paradigm of beauty that won't exist, so we won't fancy anyone as natural.

No, they'll still sort of fancy because at the end of the day, we're animals, aren't we?

Yeah, so we'll still have it away, but not as much as they'd like to do now because it's all based on looks.

Sorry, so but what's this got to do with the world?

Like, describe describe a typical town or country.

Exactly, right.

Imagine London, you've still got the gherkin, you've still got the big wheel.

It's just everyone's ugly, right?

And they're and they're doing all the same jobs, are they?

Everyone's still, yeah.

The world's got to carry on.

What do they look like?

What's ugly?

Just imagine, like, haven't you ever seen anyone when you've just gone, pfft, look at that?

Yeah.

Right, well, like, like that.

Yeah, but hold on.

It's ugly by today's standards, is it?

So I throw forward to 75 years, you'll go, oh, everyone's what we call ugly.

But what's up with society?

What do they think of everyone?

They won't suddenly go, oh, ain't it annoying?

We've got uglier.

Because it's not ugly.

Because we have got better looking, haven't we?

If I look back now

at a school photo,

you look at my class and you go, what was going on then?

You couldn't tell the difference between some of the girls and the blokes.

No, but that's not true.

Because he is honestly

a nutrition.

And I see that.

Yeah, when I see an old episode of Bullseye, I think, Jesus, the men look like rakes with no teeth and a moustache.

And

they're bald with their hair down like a paedophile.

And he goes, Now, how old are you?

And I thought, 52, 50?

He goes, I'm 22.

He said, what?

Yeah, but that's more because of the sort of people that used to go on bullseye.

I I mean, you know,

Paul Newman was never going to pop on bullseye.

No, exactly.

You know, because he was actually a plumber from, you know, the 60s.

And then think of the people that he grew up with.

I mean, some of them live in holes now.

Yeah.

So, you know, I don't think

the class of Pilkey 1982 doesn't really count.

When he said we've got better looking, I thought he was going to talk about cavemen.

Not his score photo.

I mean, what happened there?

There's been no evolution in that time.

What are you talking about, Carl?

We've got better looking now, haven't we?

I wonder if he's confused it with the paradigms of beauty have changed, haven't they?

So in the fifties, Marina Monroe was considered, you know, very desirable.

Whereas that body shape on women more recently

has become less

lots of skinny women are seen as a paradigm of beauty.

But so that has maybe changed.

But we will change.

Yeah, we'll change 35 years.

I mentioned before about

your little finger.

There'll come a time when that'll go.

I've said, I've watched it, I've kept an eye on what my little finger is doing.

Sometimes it doesn't matter, it never helps out.

All the others are grabbing all the stuff.

That one just sort of sits there watching.

So you could get rid of that, and I think that that will go in evolution.

Think of the books he could have read when he was doing that, when he was monitoring his little finger.

I've been watching my little finger.

But again, it's what you mean.

Look, 75 years is nothing.

The only thing that changes in 75 years is trend, fashion, economics.

The gene pool doesn't change unless there's been some sort of really weird mutation due to an external force.

I don't know.

For things of science fiction, where we all accidentally drank plutonium and got three eyes and one leg, it doesn't happen that fast.

I've told you before: if you shaved a caveman, he's basically us.

He's basically us.

Yeah,

yeah.

But,

you know, the little finger will be, let me tell you, millions of years.

I think what's more interesting about the future, Carl, is the fact that technology integrated with humans will be fascinating.

So, for instance, they're talking about the fact that in the future we may even be able to have chips in our head that allow us to access the internet or an equivalent of it directly, mentally.

Imagine what I was going to say, not French fries.

Hang on, though.

Wha at what point are we us then?

We are.

This is good.

Go on, go on, go on.

No, because if I if I can go on the internet at any time,

then that's going to know more than me.

What does that mean?

Okay.

When I don't know an answer to something now,

which is a lot of stuff.

Really?

It's gone.

You watch University Challenge and the stuff them kids on that know.

I was just thinking, where have they stored that?

Where's that gone in their head?

How have they left that somewhere and it's just sat there waiting to be used?

For me, if something doesn't get used within a time period, that's it.

But you're getting forgotten again, okay?

That's application and training and all that.

I don't think that's it.

But basically,

you've got about the same hardware.

I haven't, honest to God, I haven't.

I know I haven't.

Your brain capacity is.

It's not the same as theirs.

It's not the same.

Well, you might not be what's considered as academically intelligent as them, but again, an awful lot of it is, you know, nurture more than nature.

Your brain's good.

Your brain is up there.

Don't worry about that.

Well, it isn't.

But listen, so what I'm saying is, if I want to know the answer to something, I go on the internet.

Yeah, right.

Now, if I've got a chip in my head with Google on it,

I'm never going to use my head.

I'll just be forever on Google.

I'm never going to use my head.

Well, I'm not, because what.

What's your head is there?

Because I'm going to get it wrong.

The chances are I'll get it wrong.

So divert that.

It's like saying...

No, no, you can't bypass the brain straight to Google.

And so if you're having a chat socially, it's not like they're going, oh, Carl, how are you?

And you're not there.

You're asleep and Google's talking.

I think you'll find that they're letting me.

For jealousy naked ladies.

No, only for questions, though, that I don't know.

But what I'm saying is, because I don't know a lot of the answers, I'll just say, forget it, leave it connected to Google.

So then I'm not me anymore.

Well, what are you doing?

Where's you gone?

I'm looking at Google.

So it is you.

No, but what Steve just said is we'll have a chip in our head

that can access the internet.

So why bother you?

Because you're still the go-between.

You, Carl, are the go-between between the internet and whatever your mouse says.

You can beat the internet.

He knows everything.

So, you're accessing the information like it was part of your brain capacity, but you're still processing and using that information.

Hold on, where does Google get the information from in the first place?

Someone on one of them bright people on Google.

The University Challenge was putting

a human being.

But I'm going to get lazier.

I don't watch a University Challenge and go, I want to be like them.

I'm going to start reading books.

I've accepted I'm never going to be like them.

I can't play along.

All I tend to do is

I say to Suzanne, right, to every question now, I'm going to have egg as the answer.

And I'm hoping that one day.

What an amazing game!

What an amazing intellectual position!

What a lucky lady.

What does Suzanne say to that?

Well, she just sees it.

It works.

She just plays along, and then I'm saying, oh, it might be this one, whatever.

I love that because I remember once, it was about

five years ago, Carl and Suzanne round near Christmas, and me and Jane were there.

We were playing different parlor games like charades and that.

And then one game, you have to do that thing where you have to beat and you have to do animals, and you have to go

first.

One is A, then B.

So you say Ardva.

Next one goes beaver.

Next one goes cat.

It came to Carl, he panicked and he went egg.

And he was on egg.

So you're sat there watching the University Challenge and on a good night it's you know well-known Jeweler Fabergé is well-known for his jewel-encrusted watch.

The Arty Dumpty is commonly pictured as a living egg.

Sometimes

if you keep saying the same thing eventually, it's like a broken watch.

Oh, but his one looks like hey.

Yeah.

I've just got more chance of getting it right.

Sure.

But also, he told me when he plays University Challenge,

he said he's given up ever trying to get an answer.

So now he tries to to guess who's going to answer the question.

Another great guy who's hands rounded on.

And then he looks.

How do you do with that?

That's not.

I'm normally alright on that.

I'm normally alright on that.

There's got to be something else.

There's another evolution thing, though.

When you watch brainy people on that, or wearing glasses.

What does that tell you?

We are reading too much.

We're wearing the eyes out.

And that you can't argue with that.

Because the evidence is there.

Most people on University Challenge, which is a quiz show if people don't have that in the country,

the it's the brainiest quiz of all time, innit.

To be honest, I don't know why they don't go on Who Wants to be a Millionaire or something.

Because they'll get a better prize than a what do they win on University Challenge?

Because they'll be stitched up by a question of uh who's in Holly Oaks.

It will be the yeah.

But that's the smogger as well.

It'd be what character does Andy Lincoln play in this life?

And they won't get it and you'll go egg, and you'll be correct.

But

that's the thing, isn't it?

This snobbery on braininess.

The way that.

If you're a specialist in,

I don't know what something.

Well, no, don't help him.

Go on.

You've started a conversation.

You're halfway through a sentence.

You've got a point.

You can't bear it now.

Okay.

Say if you're a specialist in

Latin tattoos.

Latin tattoos!

I didn't know you wanted something so specific.

So that's a tattoo you have on your arm with Cogito or Goso underneath?

Or is it a tattoo?

Well, it's the only reason Latin's still alive, isn't it?

Right, right.

Tattooists.

So

you go on Mastermind,

and people will go, oh, he's clever, isn't he?

You got 40 correct in 60 seconds.

Now, if you go on and say

any questions about Coronation Street between 1990 and 92, people go, oh, he's a bit of a knob.

Because there's a snobbery to education.

Yes.

There is.

But a question is still a question, isn't it?

Well, to a certain degree, although,

yeah, that's fine.

But there's no application to knowing who played Ina Sharples.

Whereas, presumably, there is something useful in well, not perhaps Latin tattoos, because none of us understand exactly what that is.

But if you're a knowledge, you have a knowledge of astrophysics, obviously that's going to be, you know, as Ricky says, it's going to take more application to become an expert on that than watching Coronation Street twice a week.

But it's still information that you've had to learn.

You've not learned it though, have you?

You've just sat down in front of the telly and it's just piped into your brain very directly and very easily and enjoyably.

Let's say the people working on that microchip that one day you'll have in your brain, are they not doing something more interesting and valuable for society than

the Coronation Street fella?

No, because Coronation Street is that fella who knows a lot about it, at least he's enjoying his time watching that.

Oh, we're not saying he's not enjoying it.

Sorry, he's enjoying it.

But, you know, a brain in a jar can be enjoying it if it doesn't know it's a brain in a jar.

Right?

So, what are you asking me?

But we were talking.

Didn't seem a difficult point, what we were saying.

What we were saying is.

Okay, one more go.

What do you mean?

The chip in the brain

isn't part of filling your head with stuff, the journey of filling it with that stuff.

What do you mean?

Whereas, if I just, if I'm say, if you had a baby, the baby pops out, it cries a bit.

Do you go, right?

What do you want your baby to be interested in?

And you say, I want it to be

a plumber.

You go, right, when it's two, we're going to stick a plumber chip in its head.

Right, yeah.

It's not right, is it?

No.

No.

I don't know why you chose plumber either.

Well, we still need plumbing.

Yeah, I know we do, but it's odd that they would have chosen plumber because

such kind of small

ambition for

they want the sort of thing to go through the business.

They own a plumbing business.

They want the baby to carry on the business.

They want the baby to be able to plumb.

It goes on now where

parents force the kids into riding horses.

And you see the kid without the parents about it, and you go, do you like horses?

And they go, not really, being forced to get an horse.

You can't stand them.

And people would go, That's wrong.

The kid should have the freedom to decide if he wants to get on a horse or not.

That's right, yeah.

Well, what about this chip in the head?

But you've made this scenario.

You've made the scenario.

They're not putting chips in babies' heads.

I thought you said they were.

No,

I think Steve's wrong, I don't know, I haven't read it, but I imagine he's saying it's the next step in convenience with technology and an interface between a human and a research tool or fun.

You know, computers went from being the size of a room to a thing you can wear on your watch.

So the next step may be, oh, you won't forget your palm top, you won't forget your iPod, you won't forget your laptop.

It's in there, it's an in there.

No, that makes us lazy.

But you straight away thought that now that it went to some sort of weird

laboratory where it's all white and there's just a doctor, and everyone's in a silver suit, right?

And they go, We're removing

the self.

We're removing the self and putting in chip.

You are now a computer boy.

I'll watch Coronation Street.

Well, you won't in a few seconds, but

I hate Coronation Street, me.

Carl, it's not a question of,

it's not that Google is now Carl.

It looks like Carl, but it's just spamming, you know, little pop-ups about offers you can buy and cheap holidays here and there.

He's not the man I married.

Right, look at it like this.

Jesus.

Look, I see it all the time now.

Go on.

You go,

where are you going?

to someone.

And they go, I'm going to

Dorset.

Oh, aye.

What road are you taking?

Don't know.

I'll just pop on the sat now.

Now,

that's a start, innit?

Okay.

Let's act that out with me, okay?

I'm going away for the weekend, Carl.

Are you?

Yeah.

Where are you going?

Dorset.

Oh, yeah.

How are you getting there?

Er, car.

Oh, right, yeah.

Which way are you going?

Um, dunno.

Why do you wanna know?

Oh, just just

making a friendly chat.

Just, you know, I'm I'm interested in geography.

Which way are you going?

Well, I don't know really.

I've got a sat-nav in my car and I'm gonna get in there and what do you want

easy, isn't it?

Well I don't I'm not a I'm not a pidgin.

I don't mean you got an A to Z?

Well well yeah but it's yeah, I'm a computer with the A to Z.

What's the difference between looking at an A to Z and

it's not easy though?

Not really, no.

No.

Why?

Why is it any different that I've got it computer eyes so I can go along?

The A to Z is a bit dangerous, isn't it?

It's a bit don't have to go to A to Z when you're driving along.

Clive, who are you talking to?

Because we need to hit the road, we need to get going.

What is this

fucking idiot who wants to know what road I'm taking?

Which is a fucking boring thing to ask him.

I'm sorry, who is this Twaf because we really are?

He's a fucking dickhead.

I think he's an A to Z salesman, by the way.

I mean, by the way, we're just telling him we're using the Saturn Av.

It's the quickest, most efficient way of doing it.

No, but look, look, who the fuck are you?

Would Columbus found America if he had had a Sat nav?

Yes,

he didn't put it in America, and it would have taken anything.

He only found it because he got lost.

Now, if everybody.

Just hold on, hold on.

How would an undiscovered country be on a sat-nav?

No, go on.

But I just mean.

There's a difference between the sat-nav and the map in that regard.

Because I have found some lovely little cafes on roads I've never been on.

And I've easily gone from finding a continent to a continent.

I love that.

I love that.

Little creatures.

I am off to discover the unknown world.

Where are you going?

Well, I don't know, yes, the unknown world.

What are you taking?

Just a boat, no, all lazy swim, you go.

I love the fact that he's so Luddite now, he's annoyed at the sat-nav.

I mean, you'd have probably given Columbus a hard time or got a compass.

Don't you know where north is, you twat?

I just think there's something in being lost.

I never feel lost.

I just think, oh, I've had a diversion.

Because you find new things.

I'm forever.

Suzanne's asking the French peasant where the.

I just think, you know, Columbus.

Alright, what's the most interesting thing you found when lost?

Like I say, they normally.

I found a shop that was like a fancy dress shop.

Amazing.

Do you need fancy dress stress?

Do you never go to Columbus?

I went to Dorset for the weekend.

You never go.

Why do you need a fancy dress shop?

That sounds like the one thing you would hate is fancy dress.

Yeah, but I like looking at the.

They have like a space helmet in there.

Right, so you found a fancy dress shop.

Where are you supposed to be going that you had time to get sidetracked and go in a.

I think I was going to a meeting.

Which is quite.

That's amazing.

That's the last time.

You don't want to get lost doing that.

Because I always give myself loads of time because I get lost a lot.

I always give myself loads of time.

No, I'm just saying

that's how you find little treats along the way.

And next time you pass it, or next time someone says, Do you know where the fancy dress shop is?

You can go, yeah, I do.

Because I've no idea because I was lost.

I don't know where I was.

No, normally I lost.

Well, I'm not going to tell you, Lazy Kun, haven't you got an AZ?

Well, that's harsh.

Yeah, find it yourself, you lazy mad.

Or I might get lost.

Good.

You might find another one.

It just goes back to the chip thing in the head.

I think you've got to learn along the way.

We can't get lazy.

We can't have chips in the head knowing how to plumb.

That's what it's all about, isn't it?

And making mistakes.

If you make a mistake, I've done some wiring, got a little shock.

Won't happen again.

It will.

I've seen that experiment with you before.

What have you learned?

You keep going on about all this learning.

What have you learned?

What have you learned?

Okay, sum up.

Sum up

mankind's foray into the future.

I want this.

This will be the introduction to a book about the future.

It will then be read in a hundred years' time and go, Carl Pilkington was the most prophetic genius that's ever walked the earth.

These are his words from 2010.

Just some predictions.

Just sum it up.

Just sum it up.

I believe, start off with, I, Carl Pilkington, believe that mankind in the future will.

Okay, start off with that sentence.

Just have like a top five.

Well, no, just make just predictions.

Just predictions.

Okay, okay.

Yeah.

And then a little, and then a little thing to remember.

And remember ye this.

So I, Carl Pilkerton, predict that in the future mankind will.

Start off with that.

Start off with that sentence.

I've given you that one.

Alright, I'm Carl.

And

the future.

He's already gone off-road.

It's a scary place.

But

the future's got to happen.

There's no getting away from that.

Okay, your predictions are.

Well,

we're all.

It's not a sound bite.

I've got to think about.

I've got to get in the middle of the morning.

Think first,

and then say, okay, starting from now,

these words of wisdom will be inscribed on a wall of a museum one day.

Proceed.

Wall of a laboratory wallet.

I think trousers are going to be stopped being made.

Just because you see kids now, they've got pants around their ankles.

They're going further and further down.

So I think

that's evolution, just getting rid of the trouser.

It's just dropping naturally.

That's the evolution of the trouser because it's dropping increasingly.

And you see nowpants.

So they're just dropping.

I think they'll get to a point when they just don't bother wearing them anymore.

Right.

Prediction one.

That's an amazing one.

They'll stop making treasures in the future, okay?

We're going to get weaker.

That's already happened.

They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps a doctor away.

Now they're saying eat five fruits.

So we've definitely

evidence.

You can't argue with that.

I probably put that first first because he goes, right, what's number two?

So swap that round.

Okay, that's number one.

Give them the pants second.

Yep.

They used to say, and after the day, keep the dogs away.

They used to say.

They used to say, put your trousers up.

Don't they say, put them down again.

Number three.

Right, number three.

Oh, the scholars are now waiting with bated breath when they find this old scroll and they go, Ooh,

what can number three be?

I reckon we'll blend all our food.

Oh, God.

He was going to make a point about about rice.

I never thought I would be.

We'll blend all our fish.

Like they did for babies, you mean?

Just, yeah, I just think when you think about all the stuff we eat now, cavemen, chewing on big lumps of meat,

we had wisdom teeth.

Now they say, oh, tuck them out, you're not using them.

Why not use them?

Because your food's soft.

Sorbet.

Soups.

You know, everything's softer, doesn't it?

When you you get an avocado, they say, is it soft?

Everyone's squeezing the food before they buy it.

No one wants anything tough.

Yeah.

So I think chewing is a sort of

thing in the past.

We haven't got the time to chew.

Everyone's like, hurry up, eat that.

You don't have to go out for dinner with Ricky.

He's like, hurry up.

Like, I'm still eating.

But he does blend his food, I think.

Okay, so blending food.

Great.

I reckon

what else do we do do now?

So I've done teeth,

done trousers.

I've come up with this idea

these sort of like glasses, but you can live wherever you want to live.

What do you mean?

Everything that's real, you're not looking at that anymore.

This is really the future.

I'd put this at number ten.

This is like we're only doing five, fuck me.

So what you mean is that you look through the glasses and instead of seeing what the real world, you see a tropical European world.

So if if you're a young kid and you like the idea of living in the urban ghetto

with all graffiti on the walls and that, you can see that.

Yeah, but hold on.

Are you walking around?

Because you'll be bumping into stuff, won't you?

No, why not?

No, what you mean is that the stuff that's there in the real world is being digitally reimagined in your glasses.

So what was a nice country lane is suddenly now an urban lane.

It's a lot of the graffiti on it.

Sure.

Absolutely mental, pointless, whatever work.

Absolutely.

One of the baddest things you've ever said.

Really weird, that one.

It could be done.

I reckon it could be easily done.

Why would it be?

Okay, okay, that's the last one, that's number four.

I've loaded bollocks.

So, what's number five?

There'll be more letters in the alphabet.

Why?

Why?

No, we're not running out of words.

Well, we are.

We are definitely running out of words.

It's using the letters we've already got and making new words.

No, but we haven't got enough now.

Of course we have.

Have you any idea?

You could you could have a word with nine L's before you run out.

Yeah, and they do in Wales and what have you.

That's because their alphabet is shorter than ours.

They've only got something like 24 letters over there.

Right.

They go mental with the L.

Now what we do is we've got 26 letters,

but we are now struggling.

We're struggling.

We are.

We're not.

Let me say stupid.

Boswallocks.

In shampoo.

Now there's a word where they've gone, well we've invented something, eh?

We've got something we're putting in shampoo.

Boswallocks?

Boswallocks.

You just made that.

No.

Isn't that the go.

New with Boswallocks and ceramide.

Ah.

Yeah, but that's a new word because they have to invent.

They come with a new word.

But it's a terrible word.

Why?

Boswallocks.

Yeah, it's another word.

Is that real?

You've missed it.

Yeah,

it's yeah.

Now, this is what I'm saying.

So years ago when they came up with all the sensible ingredients, uh

sodium.

That sounds sodium.

That sounds alright.

He likes sodium, he doesn't like boss wallocks.

It sounds like something like an ingredient.

Well, yeah, but that's because you're used to it.

Is this a load of Bosworths?

Are you winding me up too?

It's real.

It's real.

And that's because 26 letters, we've wasted them.

Years ago, we went mental with the

pneumonia, sticking a P on it.

And

there's loads of words where you go, what's that letter doing in there?

Whereas now, they can't do that.

They've gone, whoa, pull that back.

Why is that letter there?

And now you've got stuff like abbreviations and stuff.

Let's not waste letters.

Let's just control it a little bit.

Things, cars are called things like

GTI or something, because they're going, well, I can't think of a word to call this.

So they're giving them letters.

Think of a word now.

Think of a word that hasn't been made up.

What do you mean?

What?

What tell me a word that hasn't been made up?

All words have been made up.

No, one that hasn't.

That can be used.

Say if I invent something now to put in shampoo, what can I call it?

Quick.

Cranberry.

No, it's too close to that.

No, we can't get that past the advertising person.

Scrimpton.

Scrimpton, yeah.

It said Joe Ricky two goes and you accepted his second one.

Well, I think we've uh I think we've um sorted out the future.

Wow

since obviously the days of Nostradamus there's been many people who've tried to foresee the future.

Carl, I'm not sure if you're familiar, but there's endless um you know predictions.

Apparently there are other planets that may collide with ours.

You know, there's some scientific basis on this and obviously I don't know if you've been seeing the posters for that recent film 2012 well that's based on this notion of some kind of Mayan calendar which supposedly predicts the end of the world as being 2012 but if you knew with certainty that today was the end of the world how would you spend that final day I mean this seems weird to me but I've I think I would I'd like to experience a lot of the extremes of existence.

So for instance, I've always wanted to smash up a bar.

Do you know what I mean?

It seems strange, but I've always wanted the exhilaration of just smashing all those bottles.

Like you see in a film, but I'm not sure.

But would you enjoy it as much knowing that you're going to die in eight hours?

I don't know.

I suppose it's the sense of abandon.

You know, I mean, maybe I'd murder a person.

You know, just so, you know, I don't know.

But I think I'd probably go mental.

Because I've always been a very reserved person, you know.

I've never got into a fight, I've never caused a rumpus.

Yeah, but that's a worrying thought because

we don't have to have the end of the world for it to be the end of your world because a lot of people know that they're terminally ill, so they don't go around smashing up bars and killing people.

But I suppose I know there'll be no repercussions ultimately because

everyone's gone, so there's not going to be mourning families.

But then how dare you deprive that person of his last eight hours or ten hours of life?

I don't care, because it's the last day on earth.

Well, that's true.

I know the moral guilt I'll feel is over in a few hours.

Morality isn't relative just to repercussion, is it?

Because

the point is to do things without repercussion, but often people say, you know, would you do it if you never got caught?

Or would you do it if you know

there is repercussions for that person, as grave as they might be, just because

you feel that it's no big deal either way, that they're only going to live another eight hours, they might feel differently.

And you're saying, well, you won't care because you won't be around.

But then, why do people care about their loved ones when they won't be around?

Why do people get a will ready?

Because my point is that they know that those people will continue to live for an indeterminate amount of time.

So you do care about the other person's life.

Of course I do.

Oh, no, of course I do.

But my point is, knowing that everyone is going to be wiped off the face of the earth the following day,

all those repercussions are no longer quite the same.

I'd find it hard to divorce myself from my morality that's in ground just because it doesn't matter anymore.

Yeah, but I mean, I

honestly, to me, it seems that

we're approaching

just

the end of all things.

And so I'm saying that there's something about the fact that we're all going to end that somehow seems very liberating.

What would you do?

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arm.

Now, obviously the future is relative.

Us talking now, the future is one thing, the past is another.

But to someone in the past, we are in the future.

So, Carl, if you could go back

into any era, okay,

you are what you are now, you are you as you sit there now, your age, with all your memories and all your input and all your advantages on

ages gone by, and all your advantages over people gone by,

where would you go?

What would you do?

Don't worry about ramifications, Like if you squash a butterfly, you come back here and we're all speaking a different language.

Yeah, but I don't believe all that.

Of course, you should.

They should have picked something better than a butterfly.

The thing about if you kill a butterfly, there's a volcano somewhere.

Right.

There.

Okay, what did that noise mean?

Yeah.

It's just passing the book, isn't it?

It's kind of like blaming a butterfly.

They only live about a day.

Do you blame it, and it's dead anyway, and there's no evidence left.

It's a stupid argument.

Is that a theory?

Is that you're blaming a butterfly for a volcano?

I'm not sure that's it, is it?

Yeah, when it wafts its wings,

right?

When a butterfly wafts, if you stop the waffery, then the whole world has changed because there was no waft on a certain day.

Okay, but that means that everything's part of the causal web.

It's a model for determinism.

So things do, yeah, of course, things have an effect on everything else.

Yeah, but I'm just saying that's a bad example, the butterfly doing its wings.

Well, no.

Something.

that butterfly, that butterfly might have flown into a car window and frightened someone and they crashed.

You were a wasp.

Why is that very important?

Because you do panic.

I've been in a car when there's a wasp knocking about.

It's terrifying.

Yeah, I can see how that could cause a disaster.

Not a butterfly, you just go open the other window.

I look like you've won him over to that theory now just by substituting a butterfly at boss.

Let me think back to perhaps when you were a teenager or even before when you were growing up, you had visions, I suppose, of your own personal future and how that would play out, how you could change the way you lived your life in order to affect the future.

I mean, I'm very lucky in some regards in that one of my ambitions was always to be involved with comedy.

And I was very excited about that, and I was lucky that I've managed to achieve that.

A lot of people don't even know what they want from their future.

Well, the other thing is that when you dream of where you'll be in 20 years' time you don't change the future.

You don't change the buildings and

you just think of yourself sort of richer having a happier life.

You know what I mean?

And also I used to always I was always slightly more handsome in the future.

Because I kept imagining I would grow a little more handsome.

People kept saying, my grandmother kept telling me you'll fill out.

When you fill out a bit, she was obsessed with me filling out.

This is why she would feed me endlessly.

The idea that somehow if I was less gangly.

Yeah, it worked with me though.

It's funny because um I still forget what I look like now in the present.

In my head, I still look like I used to look.

Then I catch a little glimpse of myself in the shop window and go, Who's that foul?

Oh, no.

You know what I mean?

I'm so much better.

But you did have a lot you've you've journeyed a long way.

I mean you good looking lad and you are I mean it's preposterous.

I mean everyone I work with or meet who's seen a picture of you as a teenager doesn't understand it.

I mean I pretty much look the same, you know what I mean?

I haven't changed much.

I'm still a constant disappointment to myself, in a way, you know.

When I put on a tuxedo, that's the best I'm ever going to look, and I don't look like James Bond.

Whereas you at least had a moment where you looked her.

I mean, honestly, it's Jane I feel sorry for.

Because I mean, she did not sign up for this.

We've all changed.

No, I've seen pictures of her in the past.

She ain't changed much.

No, I don't mean that.

I mean, we've all changed.

We all changed.

Carl used to have hair.

Yeah, but Ian, by your own admission, I had it for long.

You didn't have hair for long, did you?

You started going.

I didn't want to hang around my hair.

It was never.

I've told you it didn't feel needed, so it went.

I never did anything with it.

It was the hair of a Chinaman, wasn't it?

Even the hairdresser said, He said, You can do nothing with this.

So, what do you mean?

He said, It's just too

limsy.

Limsy?

Sorry, was that that limp or flimsy, I reckon?

Well, no, that limsy is uh is a Chinaman.

But

Limsy gave his name to the

limp hair of the Chinese.

So, you think your hair bailed on you because it was not getting treated well enough?

I think that's true.

I think that's how it works.

But, yeah, I know what you mean.

You sort of

think about

if I've changed and that, but I don't think I have that much.

Still have the same sort of thoughts.

I like olives now,

which I didn't like probably three years ago.

Right, wow.

But you can, if you eat four in a row, you get a taste for them.

And I thought, go on, then I'll have five.

I thought, yeah, they're all right, these.

So that's different.

But other than that, I mean, it's not a good idea.

So, what were your dreams and ambitions when you were young?

Didn't have any.

It was kind of uh five years old.

What do you want to be?

What was your thoughts for the future?

I didn't worry.

At five years old, you're not worrying about working that.

Ten.

What's your hopes and fears of all these years are met in thee tonight?

I wasn't worrying about work till about

thirteen, fourteen.

I was thinking right.

You know, people who were new had left school.

they weren't getting work.

And I was thinking, oh, I don't want to be like that.

That's when I did boxing.

You know, I could have gone down that route.

Got into boxing, didn't I?

How many fights do you have?

About three or four.

How many

does when does brain damage kick in?

I guess it can.

I guess it can happen almost instantly.

That must be.

That must have been part of it.

Did you really get a bad beating on one of those fights?

Yeah, Leroy gave us a right good clackering.

Clackering.

Yeah, the thing is, your jab was a bit limsy, but Leroy's was clackering.

Then there was the dancing.

I don't remember this.

What break dancing?

Well, I did that.

I did a bit of body popping.

Yep.

Did you ever really think that you might do this in the future?

You never know, do you?

But did you, at the time, do you remember thinking

I wouldn't mind doing this?

I must have must have thought that for me to go, well, let's try and join Twiggy's dance club and all that.

And

my mum and dad always sort of, you know, if you want to give it a go, give it a go.

With the boxing,

you know, my dad was saying, Right, I'll get you the proper shoes and that.

And my mum was like, Don't don't bother getting him then yet.

Let's see if he sticks at it for like four months,'cause we were about thirty quid for that.

Let him carry on in my furry slippers.

Then with the dancing, it was the same thing.

I said, Oh, I need some leg warmers and that.

And uh these tights are just as good.

Come on, no,

but

my dad gave me um

like his uh he he cut like the sleeves off a shirt.

Amazing.

And they were your leg formers.

Yeah.

Amazing.

But it's funny when you're a kid, it doesn't bother you.

But surely cut them off a jumper.

No, I I don't know why.

I know it looked damp.

They had cuffs on leg warmers.

That's amazing.

But when you're in the middle of the middle,

it must have looked Lancel and Bowen doing a handstand.

But then, you know, that didn't last long.

And then my dad, you know, I was getting older now and he's like, Dad needed his shirt back for a wedding.

Yeah, as long as he didn't take his jacket off, it was fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Dad, I'm losing my hat, I need a hat.

I don't need a bloody hat.

Pop my pants on Cloud.

But then you've got to make sure you try and get a job, and school was sort of safe.

So you're 15 now.

Hang on, why did the Twiggers?

Why did you stop going to Twiggers?

Well, it was short, wasn't it?

Amazing.

Why it closed down?

It closed down.

It had a load of toilet rolls in there.

It'd been turned into like a storage unit.

I've never really

had like a dream.

I've just bumbled along.

Because, like I've said,

it's that thing of

sort of

limsy.

It's like call my fucking blood.

There's no point sort of wishing for too much because if you don't get it, you'll be fed up.

So it's better just to sort of go, well, let's see what's around the corner.

This is what I've said to you about a sat-nav system.

Right.

It's the same thing.

Yeah, sure, I have the sat-nav.

Type in where you want to go, and it'll take you straight there.

But what I say is, use the back streets.

Have a look around.

Turn off.

Don't go straight ahead.

Turn right.

The little dead ends.

Have a look.

You might get mugged.

Have a look.

Don't go down the dead ends.

Why not?

You've got a reverse background.

Dead end.

No, but have a look.

Well, there's nothing there.

It's dead end.

What's the road doing there then?

Well, it's a dead end.

But there must be something down there.

There's nothing.

It's dead.

It's just ends.

It's just a wall.

Right, so it's not a problem.

Reverse.

But don't go down in the first place if you know it's a dead end.

Don't tell people to go down the dead end.

They've got to reverse out.

Difficult.

Well, I'd say just have a look.

You see, that's the difference between me and you.

I'd have a look down the dead end.

It's dead end, don't worry.

It's dead.

Just nothing, mate.

Dead end.

Rubbish?

Yeah, no, nothing.

Nothing at all.

Yeah, no book going there.

Dead end.

Right, so I'll go, well, I'll just have a look for myself because I don't believe you.

Okay, well, go on then.

Right, I'll have a look.

Oh, look at this, I found.

What have we found?

Box of money that you didn't know about.

All I'm saying is it could be a bad thing.

He has still got the brain of a 10-year-old.

Hasn't he?

He's still got the brain of a 10-year-old.

I'm just set your stall out.

Right.

So, where's the stall?

Where are you sitting store?

Not in the dead end.

Because there's no thoroughfare.

It's a closed thoroughfare, yeah.

You want you want to be on a sort of public highway.

Where are you setting your stall out?

Yeah.

What are you selling?

What are you selling?

Well, this is what I'm saying to you.

What are you selling?

I'm selling a mixture of stuff.

What?

Like what?

All sorts.

What have you bought it with a bag of money you found in the dead end?

Leg warmers.

So you've got new leg warmers with.

Do you want gofflings for them?

What?

Do you want gofflings for them leg warmers?

Well, why would I do that?

Well, you've got to fucking look smart, ain't you?

You can't.

So you're selling.

What are you selling?

You set your stall out.

Yeah, right.

Now,

isn't it dangerous to sell all the same product in that shop?

Right.

Where's the analogy going?

This is a metaphor.

This is a metaphor.

Yeah.

What are you selling?

What you're selling first?

Bang.

Two, three, four.

No, but this is what I'm saying to you.

This is what I'm saying to you, though.

I just said to you.

Yeah.

You...

Well, I don't know what you wanted to do.

You haven't told me.

Right.

I'm saying to you.

She'll be telling you what I want to do even I wanted to be well at five years old I wanted to own a sweet shop until my mum said you know you've got to buy the sweets first.

Right.

From ten, I wanted to be like a scientist.

Fifteen, a vet kicked in.

But at some point, you jettisoned all of that to try and pursue a pop career.

20, I wanted to be a pop star.

25, I thought I'd better get a job.

At 30, I did.

Me saying turn off the main road and do a right

is saying just have a look around in the same way that if you go into a shop.

It was a metaphor, wasn't it?

Yeah.

It was, yeah.

Yeah.

In the same way that if you go into a shop, you're thinking I'm getting a quarter of bum bombs.

Right, a bum bums.

Bum bums.

But by the time you get to the counter,

and you get some licorice all sorts instead, because you thought, actually, I forgot about them.

Sorry, now this isn't a metaphor, is it?

This is a real shop now, isn't it?

I just mean you're going to be let down.

You're going to be very, very disappointed with life

if,

you know.

If what?

If what?

If what?

If.

If what?

The thing you're aiming for

doesn't happen.

But what if it does happen?

I'd like to take issue with this because there's a lot of young people who listen to our podcasts.

And if they listen to you, this tripe that if you try for something in life, it won't happen, so don't bother, I think it's a bloody disgrace.

Imagine if Leona Lewis had thought that when she went on the bloody X-Factor.

She wouldn't have got punched by that bloke.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

But you know what I mean?

She would not have been living her dreams.

Yeah, but we don't know what Leona wanted to do.

She might have been.

She would have been a singer.

That's why she's done it.

She might have had a back-up plan.

Yeah, but she fulfilled the main ambition, which was to sing.

That's why she went on the show.

She didn't go on there because she thought I might want want to work down a branch of water stones.

You think she went in there and said quarterbum bumps, this is X Factor, but she went, oh, go on in.

What have I sing?

Well, what about

the girl who looked like a fat baby?

She went on there with a dream.

It's not going to happen.

Oh, yeah.

But the point is, I'm not saying you all have to go on the X Factor if you're a hopeless idiot.

I'm saying if you've got a little bit of talent and you pursue it, it might take you somewhere.

If you want to be a vet or a doctor or pop star, you might have a chance.

You may as well have a stand for it.

Then said, no, that's alright, I'll just sit around in the underpants.

Yeah, they're doing a new one, the X-ray Factor, where you can actually, you know, become a top radiologist.

But I've said this for an idea.

I think they should do that.

Because how many singers do we need in the world?

You see, that's the thing.

We're talking about the future.

I think it we're not going to talk anymore.

I think we're we're all g we it's going to be like living in an opera.

The way things are going on now, everyone wants to sing.

Yeah, whereas if you did a T V programme to try and get a doctor, you know, X-ray Factor.

You know, it's all about, you know, getting in young kids, do live surgery.

You know, there's big queues anyway.

People are queuing up to have operations done.

So you say, look, Hilda, you have got a problem with your left bunion.

You can either wait for your proper doctor in hospital, but it's going to be a two-year waiting list.

A year free Saturday night live.

Because we've got two 17-year-olds who are going to do it.

Hilda, she comes out.

They.

It's a little voice.

I've never done do a little voice before.

So I'm going to wait.

Okay, okay.

So this this is, okay, what is this?

This is a talent show where people can have a go at being a doctor.

Well, this is like something from the Middle Ages.

But

they need volunteers who would rather have an apprentice, someone have a go.

It's not even an apprentice, it's someone with no training at all.

Yeah.

They learn how to do major operations in a week.

But no, not major ones, that's for the final.

Oh, of course, yeah.

You can't transplant one.

But you build a transplant for the final.

So anyway, so it's Hilda.

And Hilda's not the person, she's not operating, she's just the person who needs a bunch of people.

Do She's the foot problem, yeah.

So she comes in, they have a quick chat with her.

Have a chat with her, how's your life been?

Bit of co-play under her.

She's going, oh, it's terrible, I can hardly walk, and all that.

And they go, right.

Here's a phone, he looks like a baby.

And then.

And you think this is a good thing?

You don't see any problems with this so far.

You've not identified any concerns yet.

If it means you get younger people into other jobs other than singing.

I agree with you.

I think it's crazy that everyone now just wants to be famous, a singer, or something, and we don't need them.

They're just contriving it.

All they're doing is knocking the last one off the number one.

It's just a factory.

But I'm not talking about everyone should try and be a singer, am I?

What I'm saying is sometimes you're allowed to pursue your dreams, and

you may fulfil those dreams.

There's nothing wrong with that.

It may be that you want to operate on a woman called Hilda or Bunyan.

Pursue that cream.

But according to your negative views, we shouldn't even try and do that either.

What he's saying is.

Go on.

What's he saying?

Leona was an example.

I'm not saying everyone should try and be like Leona.

Listen to his point, Stephen, because he's got a a very good point coming up.

Here it goes.

This is it.

Okay.

He hasn't said

a normal word yet, but he's going to say some now, and they're all going to be profound.

People's dreams aren't their own dreams.

Oh, hold on.

What do you mean by that?

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

No, no, no, no.

He'll explain.

You don't need to ask me any questions.

He'll explain.

Because

they think they know what they want because they see it on the telly.

They see, you know, someone singing a song and they go, I want to do that.

So all I'm saying is, change the dreams.

Change the dreams.

Yeah,

surgery, they're watching that, they're seeing Hilda happy with a better foot.

The doctor's getting all the praise, they go, I want a bit of that action.

That's what it's about.

They don't want to be singers, they want to be known, they want to be famous.

So, fine, have a bit of fame, but do some good, fix Hilda's foot.

Sorry, was that the end of the point?

Yeah, because all we've done, we've changed the dreams.

Dreams are well, you've hit on a good point there, because what is astounding is that when you you know, um people are inundated with praise for people who are just clothes horses, they are just skinny nobodies who don't do anything except have their picture taken and they're role models for you know I'm not talking about um you know anyone in particular, but it's just these people who

you know want to be seen with other celebrities and marry celebrities and be a celebrity.

People think that's an easy life because because they're getting rewarded for it.

And yet, someone who's stuck in a laboratory trying to come up with a cure for AIDS, they don't know or care about them.

Okay, can I just point out, though, that if we're going to have a go at people being successful, making money and being well known for doing nothing of any value, I point you to the man sat opposite me here.

And that's, hey, I tell you, there's times when I, you know, lie awake at night thinking, what were my dreams?

Yeah, but

I've got a new boy

and two ounces.

I'd love to be a little doctor.

Yeah, I mean, you know, it's past me now.

There's no way I can go back.

Well, you would have been

wrong.

Carl Pilkington!

Hilda!

What is it?

What now, Hilda?

What's up with you?

I've got terrible piles.

There's some sort of blockage up there.

I haven't gone to the.

Excuse me.

I haven't gone to the toilet for a week.

Well, Carl, can you unblock Hilda's ass?

Now live, unblocking Hilda's ass.

Carl Pilkington!

I thought she had bad feet.

No, her feet were...

No.

Jed would fix her feet.

There's a lovely job.

That's why they stayed in last week.

Her ass is worse than her feet.

It's'cause she's been off her feet for so long,'cause she couldn't walk.

Her ass took the brunt of it, and it's just terrible.

Piles have have burst, and it's blocked up there.

Well, all she just eats is cheese because she's so depressed.

I'd just I'd probably knock it on the head there.

I'd just say because I'd just say, like going back to the the street thing.

I've gone down the wrong avenue.

I've got this isn't for me.

I didn't know I'd be, you know, eye to eye with this.

What's that?

It's not for me, and that's how you find out that it's not for you by doing it.

Right.

But at least I gave it a go.

So this is the same as you had one fight with Leroy, you went along to a dance studio, it was shut, you've seen Hilda's ass, and it's turned turned you off properly.

It's all again, you've just abandoned it.

Yeah, well, that's have a go!

Have a go!

Just feel inside Hilda's back passage, feel the blockage.

No, because the audience have already decided they've seen a weakness in me, they're going to vote me out.

It's not by me getting dirty fingers for this.

Well, that's about it for the Ricky Deva's Guide to the Future.

The next audiobook in this series is The Ricky Gervais Guide to the Human Body.

Look forward to that.

We'll do.

It's goodbye from me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, goodbye.

And the little round-headed shaven chimp that is forever Carl Pilkington.

Audible hopes you have enjoyed this program.